#this is mostly about people’s reactions to josh but just in general tbh

[bandsanitizer]

the way that it doesn’t just make me sad but angry that idols are expected to apologize not just for disappointing fans and their members but for harming them by so much as even having a dating rumor bc is it that bad they found love? or something that could become that? is it that bad for the people you supposedly love and support to be happy? yes I know the industry basically runs on the parasocial relationships but isn’t it high time to recognize that someone else’s happiness is not an attempt to ruin yours? that even if it is painful or difficult for you, that is not the responsibility of the idol. they should not need to apologize for their own happiness and events within their personal life which half the time come out as leaks (read: invasions of their privacy) rather than on their own time. and to go as far as to say it implies they don’t deserve their job or should leave their group… artists experiencing things in life? the emotions of affection and infatuation and love and endearment and everything else that comes with a romantic relationship? that’s only going to give them the capacity to create greater and more enriched art. i’m not saying they’re in a relationship to do (and I certainly hope not) but if you need any reason at all to refrain from causing these idols harm in the way you claim their happiness has so deeply harmed and disappointed you, then take it as them living. that life needs art and art needs life.

[bi-wizard-queen]

My personal experience with Lily Orchard (as a viewer, I have never actually spoken to her)

I was a fan of Lily Orchard from 2014 until 2020 (an on-off fan I guess, like I watched her casually but I have, y’know, other things going on).

I was 17 when I started watching her (I was really into MLP: FiM at the time and she was one of many Brony Analysts I watched) but I will admit she was engaging in a way the others weren’t for me so I kept watching her. I even followed her on Tumblr

I remember back in 2016/17 I stopped watching/following her for a while because I was upset with her very blasé opinion on Palestine and her general liberal politics (I’m a socialist btw) but I came back (most people I like to watch don’t have political views as left wing as mine, that’s something I just accept) but stayed off her Tumblr.

That changed when the ToonKritic stuff happened in 2018 (TL:DR a Brony Analyst was exposed as a sex predator) and I was drawn to Lily’s very angry and cathartic video on it and so I followed her on Tumblr again for more of her takes.

Since I followed HER I took her side in any of her fallouts even if I was initially surprised by them. I also adopted some of her views (not on everything but I was massively on the “Queer should never be used by LGBT+ people” and “Rebecca Sugar is a Nazi sympathiser” views back in 2018/19) despite still being more left wing than her.

I never agreed with her disdain for Bernie Sanders for example even when I was a big fan - ironically I now don’t really like Sanders but that’s due to him not being left wing ENOUGH

I remember when Lizzy broke up with her I was MASSIVELY on Lily’s side. She is very good at framing things in a way that makes her the most sympathetic. I believed EVERYTHING she said about Lizzy and I even retroactively made Lizzy seem worse in my head.

I really need to emphasise that I thought Lizzy was this flaky, transphobic, racist and abusive bitch who relies on daddy’s credit card. I even took Lily’s opinion that Lizzy making her OC Elethyn asexual was her actually being homophobic.

I’ll be honest at this point I sort of stopped watching her as often, that was mainly because 2019 was my final year of uni so I was sorting out moving and getting a job. I also stopped using Tumblr as often for the same reason.

But when lockdown started in March 2020 I was bored and started getting back into a bunch of YouTubers I hadn’t really watched in a while. It was mostly a pleasant experience tbh and even with Lily I enjoyed her Disney recaps that she did in 2019 (though her incest jokes made me uncomfortable)

And then I watched her 2020 update video which was basically her “I hate my fans” video. Like she spent 15 minutes talking about how much she hates her fans and I remember thinking “oh wow this is awful, I’ll go check her Tumblr to see if she’s okay”

There I found some posts about someone called “Opal”. After looking this up, I found the post about Opal’s fanart and Lily’s absolutely horrific reaction to it. This is where my eyes were opened — I’d had these little doubts over the years that I’d pushed aside but this was crystal clear. She had yelled at a minor who had done nothing wrong and refused to back down.

It made me realise, “oh wow she’s always been like this”.

It made me want to look more into her, I think the blog thassabadtake existed at that point so I looked through there and others came later. I also went on Twitter to find info on Opal and then Patch and Lizzy who I realised weren’t the cartoonish villains Lily made them out to but her victims.

(I didn’t bother with Josh since he always rubbed me the wrong way and even without Lily I would dislike him for being a conservative)

But I was always just lurking. I’ve sent some anonymous messages to some of the blogs but I never posted anything on my Tumblr. Because I didn’t want to “corrupt” it (and also people I know IRL follow me and I don’t really want them seeing anything about her).

I again sort of forgot about her for another year or so until I got curious a few months ago and found that things had gotten a LOT worse and that her sister (who I remember her shit talking in vague terms for YEARS).

But since I had a policy of not reblogging anything about her on my blog I was still just lurking so I decided to finally make a side blog just to get my thoughts out a bit

[saltpepperbeard]

A Jotato’s THG Story (novel?)

So a few days ago, the lovely @everlarkedalways asked me to Weave My THG Tale™. And, in being VERY on brand in regards for my THG Story, I’m late to the party lol! Mostly because of work, partly because I was avoiding Ballad spoilers, and a tad bit because...I’m a potato. BUT, now that I am free of any large projects and finally have Ballad in my hands, I’m finally able to look past my potato roots and talk about how a certain wATER POTATO ARCHER CHANGED MY LIFE lmao.

Ara has jokes though, let me tell you. “Keep it short” l m a o; THIS IS ABOUT TO BE A NOVEL AND WE KNOW IT. ARE YOU READING BALLAD? HERE’S A NEW 500 PAGE BOOK FOR YOU TBH-

I’ve told this story a few times before, but it’s always delightful to look back on things and see all the twists and turns I’ve experienced with this franchise. The most notable being, I started out HATING Hunger Games lol!

I was in ninth grade when THG started to become like, a global phenomenon. Everyone was reading it, everyone was talking about it, and it was everywhere. And for whatever reason, instead of actually sitting down and, idk, GIVING IT A TRY LMAO, my reaction instead was to DESPISE IT. Guess it was that edgy, irate, “I’m ABOVE the general masses ha look at me,” fresh-out-of-middle-school mentality. And also, my justification for hating it so much was along the lines of, “Wow it’s just a series about kids killing each other? WHAT’S THE APPEAL???”

Which like fjlksjdksds...If I could look back on my early 2012 self?

She had no idea what was in store for her lmao.

Anyway, the premiere of the movie came and went, and I was still hard set in my ways. THAT WAS, until that same summer. I can’t exactly remember which clips I stumbled upon first? But I know I came across the Joshifer+Liz Banks interview, and also a ton of Perfectly Legal Movie Clips™ on YouTube. Both of which silently chained my soul without me realizing LMAO. I remember thinking that the main actors were so cute and played off each other well (AGAIN LMAO, GIRL, BIG STORM COMING), and also remember being totally intrigued by all the clips I watched. It was mainly clips of Katniss in the arena, and I think it made me realize that wow hey, there’s an ACTUAL STORY HERE, WITH A FEMALE PROTAGONIST NO LESS.

The story gets a tad fuzzy for me here, but I do believe I got the books and quickly read through them shortly after I essentially watched the entire movie on YouTube through clips jdksljdks. I can’t really recall what I thought about the books really? Because, I think I BREEZED through them. I was so excited that I just ZOOMED TF THROUGH. I inhaled the series in one GIANT GULP. I think I even read THG in a single day jdlsjklaads. It definitely wasn’t a cautious read through to get a better sense of the detail and literary devices. 

BUT, despite my excitement, I still hadn’t reached the God Tier “OBSESSIVE” stage yet. The light bulb hadn’t fully come on yet. It wasn’t until late 2013 when Catching Fire came out that I REALLY STARTED TO GO BALLISTIC LMAO. Actually, one of my fondest THG memories comes from this time, because I think it was really like, the OFFICIAL starting block for my obsession.

I was riding on a bus to a Theatre Competition, and my best friend had just gotten the CF Soundtrack for us to listen to. I remember being absolutely enamored with it- Mirrors, We Remain, and Lean in particular. And idk, something at that point just kind of told me that Catching Fire was going to be my anchor. Sure enough, after the competition was over, said friend and I went to go see the movie together.

And I astral projected lmao. I ACHIEVED HUNGER GAMES ENLIGHTENMENT. THE LIGHT BULB SWITCHED TF ON.

I was quick to see it again the following day, and I think saw it another two times in theaters after that. I also started drawing fanart of it, and looking for more pictures/interviews. And the want for more content, the DESIRE to go crazy about it, is what eventually lead me to finding the fandom here on Tumblr. I had had a Tumblr since 2012, but never really used it with a purpose. But when I realized there were people posting all sorts of stuff about THG? Boom- another light bulb. I followed tons of people, and officially changed my url to what it is today. “Star’s” for my internet alias at the time, and “Mahogany” for my love of Effie/that Iconic Line.

HOWEVER LOL, Tumblr would lead me towards a different side, something I didn’t expect to get pulled into so hard at all. Because, I distinctly remember coming on one night in December of 2013, and seeing @joshmopolitan and a few others posting about Josh going to the UK game. And that of course, lead me down the Celebrity Rabbit Hole, and lead me towards the Chaotic, Wonderful, Crazy-

JOSHIFER FANDOM.

((Also, before you crinkle your nose, *raises cane* BACK IN MY DAY, EVERYONE SHIPPED JOSHIFER LOL. *Snow voice* DON’T LIE. Like, everyone thought they were cute to some sort of degree, or believed they were going to get together. Shoutout to the Joshifer Golden Days, man.))

And thank goodness for it tbh. Because it was JUST when I was itching to write fanfiction with everyone else, and just when I was struggling HARDCORE with writing Everlark. @joshmopolitan and @youarebeingridiculous were sort of my introductions into RPF, with @youarebeingridiculous giving me nudges towards my first Everlark fic, before also nudging me towards my first Joshifer fic. And when my first Joshifer fic garnered attention/when I had a blast writing it? ANOTHER. LIGHT. BULB LOL.

So I was dead af from that point on. I was absolutely drawn in. Even though I was still invested in THG, Joshifer was definitely my main focus from 2014-2016ish. I was there for the typical ship wars, there to read and write all the fanfiction, there to read all the theories, and there to partake in all the crazy moments. Shoutout to Cannes 2014 in particular lmao; I was in the car and my phone started going off like CRAZY, with many of my friends SCREAMING at me about the events/articles that had transpired.

Being attached to Joshifer also allowed me to write my first, and so far only, full length, These Words are a Lie. It started out as just a four part series, two parts of which I actually published. Befffooorrre getting to the third part and realizing I had WAY too much to deal with/explain/write, which consequently lead to me pulling them down and expanding upon them! And thus my messy, lovely, 25 chapter peanut journey started lmao. Though I look back on it now and realize how disjointed it was, I’m so thankful I was able to see that story completely through. I’m also very thankful for the SUPPORT and following it got. Wouldn’t have gotten through without y’all! 

ANYWAY LMAO, because this is my THG story and not my Joshifer story, let’s get back to that. 2014 was WHACK because...LG was utterly tripping with its promotional material. And to think, it was just the START of odd/lacking promo, seeing as they were SOMEHOW WORSE WITH MJ2 LMAO. But even though I was incredibly salty at the time, it was so fun to be mad and chomping at the bit with everyone else lol. The SUFFERING OF NOT HAVING ANY NEW CONTENT BROUGHT US CLOSER TOGETHER. Also, going to Best Buy to watch the teaser trailer under Heavy Guard??? Was an EXPERIENCE LOL??? But man was I so stoked to get my poster and pin, because that was some of the first merch I got!

ALSO, MJ1 was the time where I got the idea to create a small YouTube series called “Tributes React.” I really really wish I could have been in the fandom earlier, because it would have been, dare I say, FIRE LOL to react to more than just the MJ1 and MJ2 trailers. But it was so so fun regardless, and everyone’s participation was incredible! And now all of our early, embarrassing, INTENSE fangirling is stuck here/memorialized forever PFFFF.

And, not to mention, Fran Solo himself watched one of them. Someone tweeted the video at him, and he tweeted back that it made all the hard times worth it. MY GREATEST FANDOM ACCOMPLISHMENT RIGHT THERE???

And finally getting to watch MJ1 in theaters lmao omg. I went with my friend before, and also one of my guy friends. And the entire time, he was HARD STARING AT ME WAITING FOR ME TO CRY LOL. SO HE COULD TEASE ME. AND HE GOT HIS WISH BECAUSE OF COURSE THE LAST 30 MINUTES OR SO UTTERLY RUINED ME. I remember shivering so so SO bad when the rescue mission for Peeta started, and having to hold my friends’ hands when they were creeping through the Tribute Center, and utterly SOBBING when Peeta attacked Katniss. Because...hello...I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again...WAY WAY MORE INTENSE THAN THE BOOK LMAO??

And then came the beginning of the end. I remember that promo time was even DRYER for MJ2 lmao, and that we were all DYING. Like, I think the big trailer didn’t release until like, SEPTEMBER??? WHICH...LG WHAT THE ACTUAL-

And we were also back to watching trailers in Best Buys jfkssdkdlsk. My Best Buy was also DUMB and didn’t have any posters, but @infinitegraces​ was awesome enough to send me numerous copies! Bless you, thank you; I had them on my wall all through college lol! DESPITE THEM BEING A HAUNTING REMINDER OF HOW HARD LG SMACKED US LMAO.

Despite my salt towards the INITIAL promo though, the premieres and what not definitely lead to MJ2 having a special place in my heart. I had just gone off to college, and was a timid, lonely little freshman with nowhere to turn. But the fandom was there for me, and MJ2 promos/premieres gave me something to be excited for. It all kept me going through that ROUGH first semester, and was there for me before I met my best friends. So thank you MJ2, and thank you all for sharing that excitement with me! <3

Also, I’d like to mention that I was SO desperate to continue the tradition of seeing the premiere with my friend thaaaaatttt...I left for Thanksgiving break two or three days early/skipped class JUST to make it back home in time to see it with her lol! I WASN’T HERE TO PLAY GAMES, Y’ALL. THG > ACADEMICS APPARENTLY PFFFF.

After that though, things kind of quieted down. I found friends and activities in college, the movies were done, and Joshifer was dying out. It lead me to use Tumblr sporadically, not posting AS much as I had before. I still had tons of love for everything, and still enjoyed coming on whenever I did!

Then I sort of stumbled upon our “renaissance,” like the lovely @everlarkedalways​ posting re-reads and re-watches. It tugged me in again, and made me excited to post content! I also branched out and began to write Everlark, and began talking about them/the books/meta more than I did in my earlier years. 

And of course, said renaissance lead me to attending TOASTCON LMAO. Which I somehow managed to name. On accident. *Dabs unironically*

That of course, was such an amazing experience. Going to movie filming sites has always been on my bucket list, so getting to go to HUNGER GAMES SITES??? WITH FANDOM PEOPLE???? GOD TIER??????

I was also suffering from major panic/anxiety problems that summer, having just graduated college and being thrown out in the Real World™. So once again, THG and its fandom were there for me when nothing else could be. And despite me feeling off mentally, despite me feeling plagued by fatigue, I still thoroughly enjoyed meeting everyone/having such a once in a lifetime experience. Also, getting to FLEX on my friends when we watch the movies and go like “I WAS THERE! I WAS THERE!! I WAS THERE!!!” is...A Time PFFFF.

Then of course, I started working a full time job, and shifted a bit away from Tumblr/the fandom. Not DELIBERATELY; more like, I was too Mentally Tired to really do much after work. But now that Ballad is here, and now that we have new content once more? I feel like I’m waking back up. Hell, I even went to Atlanta to see MORE film sites right before the virus started to make its rounds.

And so here I am lol! A SEASONED THG VET WITH SEVEN YEARS AND COUNTING UNDER MY BELT. I would very much love to tag everyone who had an impact on me, and/or who I’ve interacted with and shared fun times with over the years. But A. Everyone really out here CONSTANTLY CHANGING THEIR URL’s, and B. The number would be Too Great and I would inevitably forget someone on accident.

SO THEN, if you’re reading this, and we’ve ever shared some kind of THG experience together, thank you, from the bottom of my heart. THG has been such a wondrous experience for me, and it’s lead me to meet all sorts of amazing, talented individuals. It’s also been there for me during darker times, and has supported me in every way possible.

I love you all, I love being here, and HERE’S TO MANY MORE TAGS/RAMBLES IN THE FUTURE LOL! Like lmao, a new movie, you guys??? WHAT??? TRIBUTES REACT ANYONE???

-Jotato Out <3

[purplesurveys]

1043

survey by egooverdose

Japan: What is one stereotype you associate with Asian countries/people? :/ :/ Uhm...

Jelly Bracelets: Do you have any? In which colors? Have you ever broken one? I seem to have forgotten what these refer to, but I’m sure I had a couple that didn’t last long. I wasn’t much into bracelets as a kid. Joakim Berg: Who is your favorite foreign singer|musician? Do you translate his or her lyrics? Beyoncé, I guess. All Americans are foreigners to me. I don’t translate her lyrics, nor do I do that with any other songs in English.

Josh Todd: Do you have any tattoos? If yes, what made you decide to get them? No, but I’d love a couple that symbolize important things or people, like a bowl of nachos for Nacho and each of my dogs’ pawprints.

kent: Say something in a foreign language? The word ‘kampana’ is Filipino for bell.

Kundera: What is one philosophy you have regarding life|living|purpose? Idk, I’m starting from scratch after the shitstorm that was this year. I have to find one again. I’m not rushing, though, and I want to give myself as long as I need to regather. Fuck knows I need to be kind to myself right now.

Learning: What is something you enjoy learning about? Off the top of my head, anything that doesn’t involve machines tbh. I can read about anything Wikipedia and encyclopedias have to offer, but I draw the line at factories and automobiles and engineering and robots and stuff lmao, it’s just not my thing.

Minimalist Interior Design: How would you design the inside of your own home? You already mentioned it; minimalist. I don’t want a lot of furniture and a lot of color in my space. I’d be happy with a minimal number of items organized in a meaningful way with some pastel shades here and there.

Miserable Weather: What is a weather-type that you like that not many others do? Thunderstorms, I guess? It’s been a hit or miss for me these days though; I’ve found myself crying more when it rains...but for the longest time I’ve enjoyed bleak and rainy weather. I’m not planning to drop it as my favorite just yet.

Morning: Are you friendly in the morning, or are you barely awake? I’m friendly at work from the start to the end of my shift because it’s the nice thing to do, and because I have to be. But I’m almost always anxious and on the brink of breaking down every morning. Since it’s WFH, no one from work has to know that.

Music: How important is music in your life? It’s slowly becoming significant again. I got a Spotify subscription for myself after years of sharing with Gab’s account lol, so I’ve been revisiting the music that I had to set aside for months while I had to grieve on my own. It was brutal the first few days and I cried a lot when I heard my go-to sad songs again, but I soon realized I need releases like that and so I’ve been a little more unafraid to listen to music each day.

Oasis: What is a band you remember liking from your childhood? Paramore? HAHAHAHA they were the first band I ever loved, man. And I’m happy I get to say I still very much love them.

Opinions: Do you ever get mad at people for not having the same opinion as you (i.e. Abortion being wrong|right, Meat-eating being wrong|right)? If it’s the kind of opinion that will step on fundamental human rights, like being vehemently against same-sex marriage, then we will have a problem. Otherwise, I don’t care if someone prefers Android or having pineapples on their pizza unless they’re being an asshole about it.

Orchids: What is your favorite type of flower? Does it grow where you live? Peonies. Idk, I guess so? I don’t speak flowers.

Outerspace: Do you think there's a possibility of life out there? There sure is; the universe is so vast. I wish we’re able to learn more in this lifetime, though; I wouldn’t want to miss out on future discoveries.

Photo-Editing: Do you edit any of your pictures? In what ways? Sometimes I’ll add a cute or flattering filter; that’s the furthest my editing skills go. I don’t use advanced applications like Photoshop and I don’t know how to remove moles or stray hairs or whatever.

Photography: If you like to take pictures, what is your motivation? I’m not into photography per se, like it’s not a hobby of mine or anything; but I do like taking photos of special or funny events. It’s nice to have a memento for a little bit of everything going on in my life.

Poland: Would you ever consider living anywhere cold? Yes. Maybe not Norway or Finland levels of cold, but somewhere considerably cooler than the humid hot mess I currently live in. When I went to Jeju four Aprils ago, they had the p e r f e c t temperature I could ever ask for and it was sooooo perfectly and comfortably cold in that I got to walk around in shorts but I never shivered or got goosebumps.

Potatoes: What is your absolute favorite food? It used to be burgers, but my mom has been making so many cheeseburgers the last few weeks that I need to take a break from them lol. Right now, my favorite would be sushi.

Questions: Do you like to ask questions, or answer them? Answer them, hence this blog.

Quirks: What are some weird things about you? Depends on what you count as weird. By far, people have been weirded out the most by the fact that I don’t eat fruits and will avoid them like the plague. I don’t mind the reactions and it’s actually turned out to be a great icebreaker, so I whip out that factoid pretty often haha.

Quizzes: When was the last time you were tested on something? I had a blood test last May because we needed to know if my fever was dengue or something else. Turned out to be a UTI.

Radiohead: Do you like any depressing bands? After Laughter is sad as shit but I wouldn’t say Paramore is generally known by this image. None of the other bands I listen to would count as ‘depressing.’

Rings: How would you describe the size of your fingers? They’re long and slender, which I love.

Satire: Do you enjoy political satire? It’s a hit or miss. I generally don’t seek it out.

Singing: Who do you know personally that has a nice singing voice? Leigh.

Skinny Jeans: Would you wear them? Or do you hate them? I wear them, but I hate them. 

Smashing Pumpkins: Listen to the band, or take it literally and actually GO smash pumpkins? xD Neither.

Snakes: Would you ever wear snake-skin pants, or other animal clothing? I used to wear leather shoes because it was required for school. I avoid the practice now.

Snow: What, to you, is the best part about snow|snowy weather? You tell me, lol. I’ve never experieinced snow before.

Space: Do you like to have your own space? Are you independent? It’s definitely important to have it every now and then; I’m actually taking this survey from a Starbucks because I needed so baddddd to get out of the house. It’s the first time I’m out on my own without having to do errands since March, and it feels kinda nice.

As for being independent, I’ve been mostly a dependent person and I like having people to lean on, but my breakup has also been pushing me out of my comfort zone and to try out new things just by myself. We’ll see where this takes me in a few months.

Starry Nights: When was the last time you gazed at the night sky? Last Saturday.

Stockholm: What foreign country would you like to go to for a shopping spree? Do I really have to go to another country for this? Hahahahaha idk maybe Shanghai? The people there were dressed so well when I visited.

Studded Belts: Do you own any? What do you think of them? Nope.

Suave Shampoo: What is your favorite shampoo scent? Brand? I don’t have a preference for either. As long as it’s able to clean my hair, it’s fine.

Sunglasses: What kind do you own|wear, if any? Do you like them? I don’t really. I don’t like my vision getting tinted.

Surveys: How many surveys do you think you have taken since you've started? My old survey blog has nearly 1500 while this one has a little over 1000, then add what’s probably a few hundreds that I did in 5th grade but never saved anywhere...so maybe somewhere between 2500 to 2700 in total? Hahaha I honestly thought it would be more.

Sweden: Do you ever feel like you should have been born in another country? I think nearly everyone from the Philippines thinks this.

Swedish Fish: What is a candy you often enjoy? Gummy anything.

Tea: Do you like tea more than coffee, or the other way around? I love coffee; I’m drinking one right now :D I never enjoyed tea.

The Beatles: My brother gets mad if people say they aren't the best band ever; what about you? Then I guess I shouldn’t be talking to him.

Theories: What do you think will happen to you after you die? Sleep.

Thom Yorke: If you met your favorite musician, what would you ask him|her? If we were in a Covid-free society, all I’d ask for is a hug, really. I wouldn’t have anything to ask them.

Thought: What do you spend most of your day thinking about? I’m still grieving about the stuff I’ve already covered.

Thought-Provoking Conversation: What do you consider deep? This would be a little hard to verbalize and I don’t really feel like describing rn. I guess you can say this question in itself is deep, ha.

Tokyo: Where is a busy place you would like to go to? Aw man what an innocent question. I wish I could show this survey-maker what a trainwreck 2020 has been and how ‘busy places’ virtually don’t exist anymore, at least for now.

Unpretentious Gestures: If someone pays you a compliment, do you take it to heart, or do you pass it off as just flattery? I take it to heart, but I’m not always able to receive it well.

Video Games: Do you think they cause people to become violent? No. I spent my childhood going on killing rampages on GTA and I’m still unlikely to resort to violence.

Vocabulary: What was the last word you learned? The term ‘low latency.’ 

Warsaw: What is a funny fact about your heritage? Good question, but I can’t think of any at the moment. I don’t really think ‘funny’ when I look for facts to absorb but now I want to look this up haha.

Web Design: Have you or could you build your own site? My principal requirement for my Online Journalism class was to make my own website/blog, actually. But Covid blew up and we ended up having to cancel the entire semester altogether, so my classmates and I never got to pursue more of that class other than our first few meetings, which were used for lectures.

Winter: How long|cold are winters in your area? It does not even exist.

Words: How many pages of words do you think you type a day? Maybe like 5 or 6. It’s a WFH set-up, so I’m exclusively on the laptop typing away the entire week.

Writing: Do you try to avoid it, or do you embrace it? I embrace it as long as I don’t have to write fiction or prose. I like writing, but only through journals and surveys.

[justkpopjokes]

SVT’s Reaction to Being Outed for Dating a Guy

A/N: I’m perfectly fine with it, here you go bub!! And I hope fans of all pronouns/identities feel welcome on my blog, so if y’all want to request more pride stuff or specifically for fanboys, they/them fans, etc, then feel free to! Reaction & drabble requests are still open~

I hope you all enjoy this even if it may not be completely accurate ^^ ♡

S.Coups

Wbk he’s 100% supportive of the LGBTQ+ community, so he’s definitely aware of how Korea thinks of his relationship and doesn’t care about Korea’s opinions of him as an LGBTQ+ person. He still does a good job at hiding his relationship for his boyfriend’s sake, though.

Honestly, being the best leader he is, Cheol is the one with the situation under control... on the outside. He deals with the company and the media really well, but on the inside he’s an emotional mess because he’s worried about how his bf would react to the whole ordeal. Again, it isn’t the pride stuff he’s worried about; he cares for his boyfriend and wants him to feel safe after their relationship is exposed.

...Will smother his bf with love once they're free from the drama tho lol

Jeonghan

Jeonghan’s worried at first but he quickly gains the confidence that everything will be alright as long as he and his boyfriend maintain a healthy relationship. He’s not going to let the company tear them apart, much less “fans” and the public! He meets with the company early on to get everything sorted out and confirms his relationship (if his bf approves) so they don’t need to worry about being too secretive about it.

And after all the professional stuff? He lowkey owns it tbh. His way of dealing with the media is holding his boyfriend’s hand in public to show that “yes, we’re dating; your opinions aren’t going to change anything!” What a king.

Joshua

Because he’s from the USA, Joshua would be the most comfortable in this situation compared to the others. He's definitely worried and shocked, especially when the company says they need to talk to him about dating rumors. But his opinion is swayed by how his boyfriend feels, rather than the opinion of literally everyone else who doesn’t have a say in the relationship 🙃

If his bf doesn’t want to make the relationship super public, he understands completely; Josh will definitely want to show him off though! ;) A v caring man who probably posts the occasional selfie with his boyfriend. His mans should expect some guitar serenades too!

Jun

When the company calls him in to talk about dating rumors, he makes sure his boyfriend is with him, or at least tells his bf about how the company wants to proceed. He gets through everything while trying to be strong and not to show any doubts he has.

But c’mon, he would be the one that’s super giggly and obvious about his relationship after he’s outed. He posts funny pics with his boy on Weibo whenever they’re chilling together! (As Jun’s bf... you’re gonna have to tolerate that lmao.)

Hoshi

Honestly doesn’t really care about the company’s opinion that much. Probably posted pictures of one of the places they went on a date at and then someone got suspicious. He’s more concerned about his group members though, so he asks for their opinions and advice before even asking out his now-boyfriend. (Probably still asks for advice after he starts dating said boyfriend lol)

He’s worried about carats and Korea’s opinions, but he’s also not gonna let that stop him from loving and appreciating his boyfriend! His mindset is that they’ll get through it, and they’ll get through it together.

Wonwoo

His big brain is very aware about how he/his relationship is be viewed by the locals. Writes a statement explaining the situation if it was revealed in a really rude way (*cough* Dispatch). Ultimately he handles the media and rumors really well!

In terms of his members and boyfriend... he needs a lot of validation. He’s worried for sure, so he needs a lot of love and reassurance that he’s doing enough to keep his bf and the group safe. Hides from the media until the rumors die down or gets comfortable enough to show his relationship in public.

Woozi

Jihoon’s pretty responsible, but he knows that if he’s outed, he’s outed. He talks with the members about it since he’s worried how it will affect them and his boyfriend. (If his man is a celebrity like an actor/idol too... hoo boy he's so stressed.😢) He definitely worries that the media will harass his boyfriend or knetizens will ask him to leave the group.

Once the members and boyfriend comfort him and give him a lot of love, he’s calmed and is back to being himself! Keep his relationship mostly private, but probably writes a love song that carats just know was inspired by his boyfriend!

DK

He could care less about the company or the general public; what’s important is his bond with his boyfriend, his members, and carats (in that order). Mr. Sunshine Seokmin is emotional about the drama happening. He loves his boyfriend with all his heart and it shows, so he’s scared his bf will leave him out of fear or stress :(

He understands if his bf wants to break up and talks with him about it, but to his joy that won’t be the case!! After the stress passes, he’s still careful about how much of their relationship is shown to the public. But he’s definitely open to pda if his bf is okay with it! He’s excited to share his life an experiences with his boyfriend and to celebrate theirs too.

Mingyu

The company brought up dating rumors to him pretty quickly because of his previous ‘scandal’ and they want to prioritize his safety and avoid another once. But once he’s outed, he knows there’s no going back, so he goes with the flow and starts posting pictures of him and his boyfriend with no fear!! He either posts on his Instagram account if they ever start using their accounts again, or he lets his bf post pics wherever he wants. He’s cautious, but also, who cares?!

He tries to separate his relationship from Seventeen as much as possible, but doesn’t shy away from the idea of doing a Vlive with just him and his bf. Definitely a couple trying to show Korea that love is love and Mingyu can date whoever tf he wants!!!

The8

Minghao’s super professional about everything and cautious because of Korea’s views. But if there is a slip-up (maybe during or after a date where someone snaps a picture), the moment he sees that someone has found out about his relationship, he talks about it with his bf. The members are told right after and he makes plans to talk to the company.

His priority is his boyfriend’s privacy and safety, especially if his bf isn’t a celebrity; Minghao’s super protective and is more cautious the next time(s) they go out together. If the relationship is eventually confirmed, it’s intentional and to show that he’s living his best life and that carats should too! (Though he probably won’t say anything about his relationship other than that.)

Seungkwan

He’s fine at first since the meeting with the company went well (thanks to Seungcheol's support) and the company suggests they reveal the relationship. But right after, Seungkwan’s an emotional wreck... there are times he feels like crying because of people leaving super inconsiderate comments and other times he feels enraged because of negative comments about his boyfriend. He takes a break from social media because of this.

Once the rumors died down and carats accept his relationship, he’s gushing about his man whenever he gets the chance! Interviewers are always asking him about what it’s like to be LGBTQ+ in a kpop group, but he always redirects the conversation to be about his boyfriend and how happy they both are!! I refuse to believe Seungkwan will be anything less than an amazing, caring boyfriend despite the whole situation.

Vernon

Vernon’s another member that’s more focused on how his boyfriend feels about the situation, rather than the company/Korea/fans’ reaction. It's scary for him to be outed like that, but his family (biological & svt) is very supportive of him and his sexuality! He would ask for a lot of advice from other LGBTQ+ idols (including fellow members, if they happen to be dating a guy at the time) for how they dealt with the initial wave of drama and criticism.

Just another boy that’s chill on the outside but is gonna need a lot of love to get through it all :’) Keeps most of his relationship off of social media, but if his boyfriend wants to post something, he’s okay with that!

Dino

He’s nervous mostly about the company’s reaction and the status of his relationship. He trusts that carats will be supportive, but he’s worried that the company or bf will react badly, so he talks a lot with the group first about his relationship even before he’s outed! He also discusses everyone’s reactions with his boyfriend. He wants to handle it well to show he’s capable, especially to his younger siblings & family, so the only person to know if he’s really feeling stressed is his boyfriend and maybe the members!

After being outed, he still wants to keep his relationship private. He doesn’t stress to much if he’s caught out with his bf once or twice, but he values his privacy and will only show his bf off if they are both in a secure point in their relationship.

[ganymedesclock]

Compiling for the meme. Also I want to say as an aro/ace person, for “hotness level” I will merely be evaluating character aesthetics and how appealing I find them, since otherwise everyone would be solidly reading “meh”.

Since these got super long, I’m splitting these up and doing all Voltrons, and then all TFA asks.

@a-trolli​ said:  for the character ask, lotor of course!

general opinion: fall in a hole and die | don’t like them | eh | they’re fine I guess | like them! | love them | actual love of my life 

Me, Clockie Radioactivesupersonic, loving Lotor as a character???? The very idea. 

In less mocking news I’ve been pretty much consistently excited about Lotor since pre-s2. I kid you not- my earliest meta on the subject was analyzing the “Weblum Galra” (Acxa’s s2e9 appearance) from the s2 trailer and speculating that was either Lotor or an agent thereof. I did a comic about it. 

hotness level: get away from me | meh | neutral | theoretically hot but not my type | pretty hot | gorgeous! | 10/10 would bang

Whether or not you agree with every decision of VLD’s writing, it’s visually gorgeous and Lotor is no exception. VLD’s offering of Lotor is easily one of my aesthetic favorites- the DDP design is a good contender and the classic poncho is an interesting statement, but, ultimately, the sleek blue-black armor, the added volume to his hair, even personalizing touches like those electric blues and the curl of hair next to his face are very nice touches. The “Mulan” strand in particular does a nice job adding a sense of youthfulness to his design, and AJ LoCascio does such a good job giving him this rolling, statesman’s eloquence. 

hogwarts house: gryffindor | slytherin | ravenclaw | hufflepuff

Lotor’s a raven who makes occasional passes at imitating a snake, methinks. He values power and loyalty, can be brash in certain situations, and is quite diligent, but, ultimately what Lotor respects the most is the pursuit of knowledge. Basically every time Lotor’s overcome a wall, it’s because when the going got hard, he hit the books. Given he started studying Altea towards his exile, it raises the clear implication that he responded to feeling bereaved and alone by seeking more information, and used that information to build a sense of belonging.

best quality:

Probably his sense of strategic observation, opportunism, and ambush tactics. It’s just a real delight to watch an effective strategist, especially one like Lotor where he’s not quite a villain so you can actually root for his plans to succeed.

worst quality: 

I mean, the part where he keeps ending up alone after his interpersonal connections spectacularly self-destruct and he cuts them off out of fear, but that’s not exactly mostly on him, now is it HAGGAR.

ship them with: 

Primarily Allura.

brotp them with: 

Did you know that before s4 I had a pet theory that Lotor had met the Generals when they all were children and they’d grown up together. I still think about that. 

needs to stay away from:

beep beep, Honerva it’s child protection services and they’re not impressed with your bullshit excuses about the rift.

misc. thoughts:

I don’t have a lot since I tend to just aggressively pour my Lotor thoughts right into the tag but just once I want to see Lotor get frustrated by something and have a frustrated huff that flutters his single forelock.

@thenorthernphoenix​ said:  For that character thing you're doing: Lance

general opinion: fall in a hole and die | don’t like them | eh | they’re fine I guess | like them! | love them | actual love of my life 

MY BOY.

I genuinely deeply love Lance. And not just because I genuinely deeply love Heart aspect characters in general. He totally blindsided me as far as VLD characters- I latched hard onto Keith and Pidge first, then Shiro. Lance took a long, hard time growing on me! (I love Hunk and Allura too, they just didn’t do time as my Reigning Fave before Lotor stole that particular crown)

Which I think is kinda hilarious, since, uh, well, Lance is probably the character out of VLD I think I have the most in common with, and I think leaping to the notion that the rest of the cast is just a little more interesting than Lance is a very Lance thing to do.

hotness level: get away from me | meh | neutral | theoretically hot but not my type | pretty hot | gorgeous! | 10/10 would bang

I stand by what I said with Lotor, VLD is a nicely designed show, and Lance is cute. You wanna ruffle his hair. I’d say he doesn’t have any particularly striking or eye-catching features. A lot of his appeal as a character is less his physical features or clothing and more the body language with which he wears those things.

hogwarts house: gryffindor | slytherin | ravenclaw | hufflepuff

Of the Hogwarts headcanons I’ve posted this is one people often fight me on and I think this is because of a differentiation- I think people often sort characters based on who’s good at the particular House’s virtue, and not what they value. Knowledge takes many forms, and Ravenclaw isn’t obligatorily the domain of the most erudite- that would be pursuing a single, narrow facet of knowledge which doesn’t exactly speak to the wisest.

To me, Lance is a Ravenclaw because he’s motivated heavily by curiosity. He’s earnestly fascinated by people, by the world, by situations. We can tell a lot from the characters by how they respond to their Lion first meeting them- and Lance’s reaction to Blue is basically to just stroll right in and make himself at home. As soon as Blue seems like someone who has something to say, Lance is all ears. 

best quality:

Empathy and compassion

worst quality: 

I mean, it’s not exactly unforgivable but definitely the one that tends to bite him the most often is his tendency to just wildly try things when he’s got no expertise in a given area/ isn’t sure.

ship them with: 

Mostly Keith, but I’m decently amenable to him with Hunk or Allura. 

brotp them with: 

The whole team tbh but I think him and Shiro and him and Pidge are both underrated dynamics. Also, my undying esteem to the first person who writes him and Lotor getting stranded on a planet and having to work their way out with the power of emotional bonding and a lot of sarcasm.

needs to stay away from:

The Langst crowd. In seriousness, can’t think of anybody that’s a Lance-specific hazard and not generally bad for everyone else’s health.

misc. thoughts:

the Lance face from the WINNER flag is still my favicon. as it should be.

@oxfordmodernfairytales asked:  For the character ask thing, Shiro?

general opinion: fall in a hole and die | don’t like them | eh | they’re fine I guess | like them! | love them | actual love of my life 

Shiro’s come through a lot, and, while I think there are some ways he could have been fleshed out more, it’s really good to see him back on his feet again and I’m optimistic about this thing with the IGF Atlas. He really lights up when he’s on the bridge, and it’s nice to see. 

hotness level: get away from me | meh | neutral | theoretically hot but not my type | pretty hot | gorgeous! | 10/10 would bang

Given the amount of thirst art I see about him, it’s fair to say the fan consensus of Shiro is he’s way hot, and I do think he looks very handsome and charming but I don’t quite find him an Unstoppable Stud of a man. Being fair to Shiro this is probably a lot more to do with my sexuality than anything about his looks.

hogwarts house: gryffindor | slytherin | ravenclaw | hufflepuff

Josh Keaton aired this as his personal headcanon and, honestly, I’d see it. While Shiro is brave, and can and will challenge things directly that he sees as wrong, his greatest successes as a character are games of endurance. Both of his dry, sarcastic comments- one in s2e2 and one in s7e6- involve a cheerfully recited Long List of things that have failed to kill him so far. And what stands out about him to Keith in s7e1, their first meeting, isn’t the charismatic foot Shiro puts forwards- it’s his refusal to give up on Keith.

best quality:

All of the paladins get angry at cruelty, but Shiro has this particular eviscerating fury that really only comes from someone who passionately, earnestly believes in a good world and cannot tolerate the idea that you’re breaking from it.

worst quality: 

His tendency to put himself second and suffer in silence for long periods. He’s the biggest advocate of teamwork and the last one to open up about drowning, even when the water’s up to his chin.

ship them with: 

Adam, in that... as much as we saw him at a chapter of conflict, I’m a little frustrated at the note it ended on. I think it’d be really interesting to see more out of these guys- their stubbornness, strength of will, and, also, their connection and how much they care about each other.

brotp them with: 

His team, of course, but, honestly, he and Allura make a darn good platonic power couple. Let’s see more situations like s1e10.

needs to stay away from:

HAGGAR...

misc. thoughts:

his monolids... are not eyeliner.

[actuallylorelaigilmore]

Hey, I saw you were doing headcanon stuff! So, I have this like burgeoning headcanon that Josh x Donna's first daughter is wlw. I don't know if you build off of other people's headcanons, but this one has been with me for a long time, and you are such a talented writer and storyteller in general that I thought maybe you'd be interested in taking a crack out of this very specific headcanon?!? I've just been projecting a lot of brainpower towards it and I want to talk to someone else about it!

Okay, so first, all my future headcanons for TWW spring from this original post that’s gotten around a bit. I’ve written a tiny bit of kidfic using them as well so I decided to connect yours to mine because tbh I love this idea and heck yeah, at least one of their daughters should be queer :D that’s just way more fun than if they’re both straight.

So, given what I’d already sorted out for the future, here are my thoughts. There are oh so many ideas behind the cut because apparently I can’t sleep but I can create a bunch of people out of thin air.

Their eldest daughter, Brianna Joan, started insisting everyone call her ‘Jo’ when she was five. They were both surprised by her stubbornness on the matter, but Josh was secretly pleased since her middle name was a tribute to his sister. Donna assumed it was a phase she would grow out of, like a lot of kids when they’re young and establishing their independence. She didn’t–and Jo later believed it was the first hint that she was never meant to be the girly daughter they might have expected.

Charlotte inherited her mother’s grace under pressure, along with her dancer’s form and creative flexibility. While Jo had Donna’s sass and sense of humor, she shared her dad’s brown hair and eyes, constant need to be in motion, and impulsive streak. Josh liked to say Jo got his athletic prowess, too, but Donna always countered with ‘your what now?’ and made the girls laugh. Jo surpassed him in sports talent by junior high, thanks in no small part to coaching by Charlie’s not-so-little-anymore sister Deena.

Junior high and high school were rough, especially girl’s softball and basketball. The rumors and slurs about which girls were probably gay because they were a little too good on the court or the mound bothered her, especially when she got sick of her unruly hair and cut it off at fourteen and the kids started aiming them at her…but it was hard to do the right thing and stand up to them when she was starting to wonder if maybe they were right.

The first crush she developed on an older, female student that she actually admitted to herself was a crush happened a year later, when she was trying to survive her entrance into high school. She came out to her best friend at sixteen and felt bad that she didn’t tell her parents first, but her dad was still working with the White House occasionally during his “retirement,” and her mom was starting her campaign for Congress, and the last thing Jo wanted to do was make that harder.

It wasn’t like she thought they’d be upset, or disappointed in her, exactly. But a tiny part of her did have doubts, after a couple of her friends had come out to their liberal parents and hit a cruel wall of family double-standards. Surely Josh Lyman and Donna Moss, champions of progressive causes, wouldn’t be that way…she hoped.

Just to be safe, Jo told them the week after her mom won her Congressional campaign, when it would cause the least trouble if they did freak out. Donna wasn’t surprised, not even a little, and only shared her worries at night with Josh. She knew how hard it was to be a woman in the world, and it could only be more painful for their eldest facing additional discrimination on top of that. “We just have to love her even harder,” Donna whispered, “and hope it’ll be enough.”

Unlike his wife, Josh was–as always–oblivious. Jo coming out was big surprise, but one he was happy about. She trusted them enough to tell them, and include them in her confusing teenage life. Surely that meant they were on the right track. “And hey,” he offered up in the initial shock of her disclosure, “I can’t exactly blame her. Women…are great. I’m a big fan. Of them.”

Just like he did with all the girl’s activities over the years, from dance to soccer, Josh threw himself into being a parental ally until he annoyed Jo with his enthusiasm. PFLAG, marches, fundraisers, sponsoring local clubs…"which one of us is gay again?” she would mutter to her sister with an eyeroll sometimes, out of earshot of the DC dad with the rainbow t-shirt passing out mini flags.

She was grateful though, especially after she survived college, and law school, and volunteered at a nonprofit that exposed her to so many kids whose parents didn’t care if they lived or died, simply because of who they turned out to be. Josh started getting handmade cards for his birthday and Father’s Day every year, filled with Jo’s illegible handwriting–that, he knew, she definitely didn’t get from him–telling him how much she loved and appreciated him. He put them on the fridge next to the sketches her little sister sent, like they were both still in grade school. Donna teased him about that, but whenever their friends visited she was the first one to casually point them out.

In the family, Charlotte was the only one that ever gave Jo any grief about her sexuality. It was mostly sibling sniping, because Charlotte was quieter than her sister but even more competitive, and she was never quite able to catch up with the three year gap between them. Still, it made Jo uncomfortable in her late teens because she and her baby sister were always so close growing up, and she couldn’t tell if the snark was coming from someplace deeper. When Charlie was fifteen, she got a week’s suspension for breaking a boy’s nose after he called her valedictorian sister a slur she refused to repeat to anyone. Jo worried less after that, and the sarcastic comments never happened again.

Toby’s son Huck came out as bisexual in college, and Jo joined his twin sister in being his closest support system while he braced for his parents’ reactions. There was a lot of hugging, and some knowing looks between Toby and Josh when the kids weren’t paying attention, and Huck had to pay Jo twenty bucks because she promised it would go over fine and he was certain it would be a disaster. He never learned to love the Yankees but he shared his father’s temperament from an early age. He and Charlie dated briefly in their twenties, causing a minor scandal to ripple through the connected families.

CJ’s daughter Nora, who was like a distant cousin Jo never got to visit enough in sunny California, only allowed the family to use her full name. She got a lot of weird looks when strangers overheard, or friends found out how old-fashioned it was, but Jo liked to call her by it anyway when they chatted. She never got to meet her dad’s mentor, and she thought based on the stories she’d heard that he would be embarrassed but proud to learn that Claudia Jean named her firstborn Leonora after she left the White House.

Nora was the one who introduced Jo to her future wife, an architect based out of Sacramento with an independent streak and temper that secretly reminded Josh of one of his exes. Unlike him and Amy, Jo and her fiance were a happy fit, sharing similar political beliefs but no professional rivalry. They spent as much time at home swapping stories and advice about their demanding careers as they did on community activism. Jo mellowed out a little after they got married–”she’s so much like you,” Donna told Josh with a smile–and they moved five times in three years before buying a house and starting their attempts to have a family.

That was the first time Jo ever really surprised her mom, who cried when she found out they were expecting. “I thought…you never talked about wanting kids,” Donna said carefully, and Jo just grinned that bright grin that was so much like her father’s. “I needed some time,” she told her mom, “to figure out what I wanted. But I think that if I manage to be half as good at it as you were, I’ll be an amazing mom.”

Josh and Donna bantered anxiously in the waiting room while each of their eldest daughter’s three kids came into the world. Two she gave birth to, and one she didn’t. They spoiled them all the same.

And when Charlotte brought the Lyman-Moss legacy back to the White House, Jo’s youngest son got to hunt Easter Eggs on the lawn. He stood next to his aunt during the photo op, just one of a dozen kids surrounding the first female President of the United States.

[chiseki]

Figured I’d make this an intro post, since I’m pretty much using this alternate url as an “out” url compared to my usual vagueness.

I’m Joshua. Yes, that matches the sidebar, so it’s not really surprising here.

And that would surprise an entire two people following my main blog that know me irl because the rest were previously informed. Maybe three people, I forget if the last one is on tumblr or not.

Which is, by the way, ““““““““fun”““““““““

Yup, having like three local friend circles that had relations to each other outside of myself, and only one of them being in the know is fun.

You can basically stop reading at this point, because from here on out is just gonna be a massive time rewind to.....jeez, fuck if I know when, my childhood? I promise there will be time skips, we don’t need that mess played at normal tempo. (Also some funny stories after the giant gap in the text, if you want to scroll for that).

Most of this story is actually located in college, but the only real indicator (aside from having a general dislike of dresses) was way back when I was in all of second grade--apparently I was so damn insulted I burned all these facts into my memory--and an older kid was brought into the classroom, gave us this cool sales pitch about do we want to learn to shoot a bow, go camping, build campfires, etc

and then was like “OH YEAH THIS IS THE BOY SCOUTS IT’S BOYS ONLY”

I was so hyped lol.

Wound up being in a mediocre girl scout troop later, and my brother obviously got directed into boy scouts. At which point I got to find out that their camping trips were mostly getting rained on and finding black windows and getting taught woodworking by a dude missing a chunk of finger.

So more suffering than child me would have expected, but they still got to build fires and go REAL camping and shoot bows and rifles and shit.

Meanwhile, in girl scouts, we went to this one set of cabins every year. We never stayed in the damn cabins, because someone would find A Bug in there, or a spider, and then someone ELSE would have the same issue, and no one wanted to be in a cabin alone let alone be the only one in the cabins at all, and we always wound up sleeping in the air conditioned lodge that was visible from the damn cabins.

Except the one year where we went to a different camp, stayed in the legendary caboose, and there was a bat sleeping on the outside of the window so no one wanted to sleep there except me.

My scout group was weak.

I miss the cookies, though.

Anyway, due to not being forced into gender-targeted toys and getting to play with whatever the fuck I wanted, I also have jack shit for anything resembling an early warning sign aside from the above.

Actually, scratch that, I was not really a fan of dresses. I mean, this was fair in general, since they were usually scratchy, didn’t fit my arms/shoulders right, were designs I had no say in, and everyone would get on my case if the dress might get even a LITTLE dirty. Had some skirts I liked in middle school, but even that was a mess of having to wear tights because my genes have never resulted in anything resembling a thigh gap.

And I was like, constantly trying to play with the guys in grade school. And they’d periodically get that “NYEHHHHHHH GUYS ONLYYYYYY” shit going on. That was never not infuriating tbh.

Flash forward to high school, still basically left to my own devices. Only indicator here was that I was just tickled fucking pink whenever I heard that I either passed at cons or was at least tossed in the “maybe.......?” zone.

Flash forward to college. I honestly don’t remember what set me off on thinking about it, but started eyeballing my gender with a microscope. Unfortunately I couldn’t apply a litmus test like sexuality, so there was a lot of “uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhfuck” going on.

Actually, I think part of it was that on the forum I hung out on, a lot of the old regulars had assumed I was a dude until a childhood friend had dropped a pronoun several times in succession & asserted its correctness, which then led to a discussion along the lines of “whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat”.

But yeah, started testing the waters.

Also tried going to a LGBT+ club like, once. With the gal I was either dating at the time or was about to be dating, my memory is shit tbh. “HEY SO HOW ABOUT WE ALL JUST COME OUT TO EACH OTHER, A BUNCH OF STRANGERS <33333333″ still freaks me out, honestly. I get why it’s generally done, but like, no thanks. But I was horrendously obvious in ducking about the gender question and she totally called me out on it later in private lol. Also got me my first binder, but I digress.

Anyway, basically spilled on “I’m.....probably..............? a dude...........? jsyk??????” to my immediate friends, which was met with a lot of “.....YEAH ACTUALLY THAT MAKES SENSE” and a “hang on I need a dictionary........ok I get it”

I think I was the least smooth part of anything resembling a coming-out just due to like, me not wanting to have to tell people to do things for me? It’s something I find extremely awkward, like I know it’s that horribly stereotypical dating thing of “what’s wrong, bby, what do I have to do” “I DON’T WANT TO HAVE TO TELL YOU WHAT TO DO” but.

And that’s an entire digression about how my relationship with my mother often included me saying a lot of shit I had to say convincingly, but didn’t mean at all, and probably led to me having fuckall faith in what people say, most especially when under a forced prompt. I could do an essay on that, but not here.

Which, admittedly, I’m gonna rewind here because I think it’s funny in hindsight, but it means the dictionary reaction went like “SO...........I’M.............TRANS?” “What?” [thinking this is pushback on the idea] [PANIC MODE] “UH” “Like, literally, what does that word mean, I've never heard it in my life.” “OH. WELL. Heh. Uh. That internal reaction I had was embarrassing then, oops.”

Anyway.

Then the collective action was, “well, have you picked a name what do you MEAN you haven’t picked a name, we can’t just run about calling you by your deadname after all that”

And I tossed some names out, that I’m not going to list, because they were just fucking awful. So I got interventioned and the method became throwing names at me until they stuck.

Adam? Nah I knew an Adam and I can’t unassociate with that

Noah? Violin teacher’s third kid was named Noah. Same issue with Gabriel and Caleb.

Benjamin? I fucking grew up with a Benjamin he would kill me.

you get the idea.

And those were like, actual reasonable rejections. At least half the time I was just like “I DON’T LIKE HOW IT SOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNDS.” Take, for example, Josh. I 1) knew one in high school and he was a piece of work and 2) I just, inexplicably, don’t like how the word sounds.

Which is part irony and part masochism that JoshUA stuck.

I mean, that name had pre-existing connotations for me. I had played..........a game.........in high school. And given that my options were pretty shafted to Stereotypical White Boy Names if I didn’t want to stick out like a sore thumb, some positive(?) pre-existing connotations were going to be needed.

Incidentally, I had a v. sweet trans girl offer me her deadname, which was a cool name, but just, like, didn’t fit me in particular so. She also picked her name by RNG tournament, with the top 10 baby names for her year being the competitors. Which was neat and worked well for her, but I know I would have just re-run the fucking tourney if I didn’t like the winner lol.

But anyway, continuing on to a less flowery story. I’ll add some blank lines so it’s skippable. No need to set off every other person with gender issues here.

Decided to come out to my family. Apparently time fuzzed down my memories of being devoured by mosquitos outside while my parents were trying to decipher that their kid was holding hands with a girl in the back of the van and that girl had been planned to sleep over that night, and despite the fact that booth teens wouldn’t be jumping to sex that fast nor had the equipment to make a kid between them....it was Reason For Concern like a straight couple sharing a bed.

I mean, my mom was convinced that anything touching the nether regions was SEX and PREMARITAL SEX was EVIL. But I digress.....again.

So. I tell them. And the reaction ranged from “well ok I mean you’ve always been weird” (thanks, bro) to “uh I guess my last name’s odds of getting inherited just doubled........?” to “HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME”

Yeah. That last one was word for word. Some stuff was thrown, lots of crying (”I CAN’T EVEN DO MY MAKEUP AND IT’S YOUR FAULT”)--both of which were not my doing, though I got shocked(?) into my own set of tears iirc.

I think I set a speed record for climbing back into the closet. Like, a week later, everyone was pretending it never happened. I sorta emotionally cut ties with my mom at that point--kept it civil, but Did Not Want to discuss my life or friends at all with her or in any way that would get back to her.

So obviously, no one in my family knows I go by Joshua. If they asked, I would tell them, but lo and behold, zero questions, they never brought it up again, etc. And I’ve been very careful about not letting that knowledge spread, not putting it on the internet in a way that connects back to my legal name, being primed at any point to pretend “Joshua” is a mutual friend and to not respond to that name if someone accidentally calls me by it.

Incidentally, during Yet Another Family Counseling that was at least performed at an individual level this time, my mom apparently told the counselor that she thought she handled that well. Last I checked, making the situation about yourself and doing the whole “woe is me, the mother, with a child like this” shpeal was not “well”.

And I mean the WHOLE shpeal. If you’ve ever had the misfortune to see the posts by parents of trans kids that wax soliloquy about losing their child and mourning their “death” (especially the ones that aren’t all “but I got a new kid!”) like, the ones especially cut from the same cloth that would be like “my child is autistic but ~I~ am the inspiration for waking up in the morning” like no, your kid is the inspiration for dealing with you.

And if anyone is wondering, this is basically the Midwest Stereotype for....LGBT, interracial dating, etc rejection imo. Seemingly ok with it, but NO WAIT HANG ON, NOT MY CHILD. Like, I legit had trans kids explained to me (albeit without terms for it) at a relatively young age by my mother and yet. “X exists but not in our good christian neighborhood” attitude. Ugh.

So where was I? Hmm, yes, funny Joshua stories. Ok I have like ONE story. One of my friends that was in the know finally got me to play Trails in the Sky. Now, this sucker has a chunk of text lead-in with a ~mysterious~ boy that young Estelle’s father has brought home, and the whole discussion skips his name, ending on “my name is....”. Then it time-skips to present day, finally casually dropping this dude’s name, which, obviously, is Joshua.

My friend did not tell me this.

No warning, nada. Only Estelle had really come up in conversation.

And then we collectively dragged another friend into the abyss with us, except he wasn’t in the know. We also had him streaming his playing sessions when our schedules coincided, which led to--because of a shitty accuracy stat--him yelling (as we did) “JOSHUA!” frequently in combat.

I debated on just responding “Yes?” randomly one day in the most casual closet-exit possible. Then procrastinated by deciding to just be out with it at the end of the first game since he’d also played twewy.

Some of you have probably started to eye my avatars with judgement in your hearts. That’s fair.

Anyway, we had forgotten about another character that practically had his name, so at least I had someone to share my weird feelings with.

And then, he started the second game, and I didn’t hold back on responding “yes?” every time “Joshua” was used as an interjection.

Also because of that one post about biblical names, I will respond to any use of “Jesus”.