#this is my worst semester ever
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In my "can't continue under this circumstances" era.
#two days ago my mobile data got corrupted and each and everything from my mobile was gone#that was literally the worst thing i ever went through in this month and i used to write my diary digitally so that was gone too#cloud backup was off from the last few months and i thought I'll on this again after this semester#this was like my own library burned in front of me and i didn't do anything#but anyways everything happens for a reason#stay positive#dark academia#words
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...😭
#i've never had a job in my own field that i've liked as much as i've liked my current one#the semester is ending soon and today i heard my contract will not be renewed bc the person i'm substituting will return to work after all#i've been feeling so tired and a bit poorly after the nokia arena show and i probably should have called in sick today#as i was absolutely useless today#and then after my only class today my students came to me with a gift?? 😭#a pink enamel moomin mug and some chocolate and a paper on which they had written nice things about me + a drawing of a dachshund 😭#and i burst to tears right there in front of them because i was so touched (and also because i'm just really really tired and emotional)#i'm so tired about having to apply for new jobs and having to start all over again#i'm so tired of having to do shitty short-notice substitutions again#i feel like i deserve better than that but on the other hand i fee like life's giving me exactly what i deserve and maybe this is it#i'm dreading the summer because idk if i'll have a job to go to in the autumn#and even if i did find something it won't be like the job i have now#also. it's may day eve and the weather's lovely#and i'm hiding in my apartment with the curtains closed so i won't see all the people going out and having fun with their friends#for me may day eve has never been like that. i've always felt so very excluded from those celebrations#on top of that i got yelled at by a bus driver and i'm the worst friend that ever existed#i'm trying to quit on whining about my sad little life but it gets so lonely#please know i'm not writing this for attention or pity. i know y'all have problems of your own and i'm just being a dramatic crybaby
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good morning everyone. message to my fellow college students: please survive
#squishy talks too much#i feel like this semester has been the worst semester ever for me and everyone i know#i am typing this while listening to glee music in my earbuds instead of my 8 am lecture#it’s so rough out here#but please survive we have to survive
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i can pick up my drawing pen and not cry i CAN I CAN I CAN
#venting sorry#cy barks#im in semester 5 and i need someone to throw me across the room rn.#does anyone know how to be honest to your parents about being so so done w college without mentioning wanting to kms..#like its soooo funny i get face to face to them and i go yeah man class is going awesome (hasnt been attending for two weeks)#im so okay and feeling so normal (took a hike to a nearby hill with my friend and ended up having rhe worst breakdowns)#hey guys depression is shit and i wish no one would experience it EVER.
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RAISING THE DEAD!!!
[ID: a digital drawing of takuto maruki, sumire yoshizawa, and goro akechi from persona 5 royal. takuto maruki is wearing his metaverse suit and is raising his arms to the air. he is looking up at goro and sumire and smiling. sumire yoshizawa is above him to his left. she is laying sideways and is wearing her shujin academy uniform. her hair is in a ponytail and she has no glasses on. there is a chalk outline around her body and there is blood by her head. goro akechi is above maruki to his right. he is wearing his outdoor winter outfit and is lying down on his side. there is blood coming from his sides. both sumire and goros expressions are indiscernible, but there eyes are closed and they look peaceful.]
#maruki does worst therapy ever. asked to become necromancer#REALLY proud of this one. ' raising the dead goro and sumire ' has been in my notes app for a while#i promise i'll draw other characters eventually i just need to get the third semester worms out of my head :-(#persona 5#persona 5 royal#p5r#p5#takuto maruki#maruki takuto#goro akechi#akechi goro#sumire yoshizawa#yoshizawa sumire#kasumi yoshizawa#yoshizawa kasumi#p5r spoilers#p5 third semester#joeys art
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shoutout to songs that are good but that you can’t listen to anymore because you feel physically sick being taken back in time to whenever you first discovered them
#ah man like half my liked songs playlist is stuff from last semester/year…#and there’s some good stuff there but i was going through absolute Hell. i don’t want to remember my time as a freshman#like the song itself feels like poison#i remember one time i was having a full blown panic attack which i am not normally prone to#and i attempted to calm myself down by listening to this one relaxing pretty awesome song on loop#well uh. as you might guess i can’t listen to that song anymore or i feel like my chest is going to cave in#like wow i do not want to remember that experience that was one of the worst things i’ve ever been through#peach rambles
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im genuinely the dumbest person alive
#im so fucking angry with myself im SO stupid#like yes im only 20 ive never really handled my finances alone before#this is only my second year of paying rent EVER there was bound to be mistakes#and im lucky to have a family that can support me when those mistakes inevitably occur. but my fucking goddddd#basically i didnt plan ahead and turns out my TOTAL student loan for this year covers my TOTAL rent this year#but ofc the installments dont cooperate and the sums are different per semester etc#so instead of looking ahead and going 'oh shit my last loan won't be enough to cover my last rent installment'#and using that very easy to make observation to figure out that i need to be saving the leftover money from my loan throughout the year#i instead went 'omg i have leftover loan this term!' and fucking spent it#im short £600. im going to owe my parents £600#and yes in the grand scheme it's not a huge amount of money like it could have been#but not only will i not be able to pay my parents back until july bc i CANT take out of my america savings#and i definitely cant start saving up £600 ON THE SIDE OF TRYING TO SAVE A GRAND FOR AMERICA#but on top of that being in debt to my mum is the worst thing in the entire world and now i have no choice but to be in debt for 3 months#before i can even start paying it back. like that's 3 entire months that she's going to use it as a stick to beat me with#like not only does she sometimes REFUSE to take money that i earn waitressing bc she insists on having the debt paid through actual labour#but she's also just a complete bitch about it and i know it's very spoilt to expect not only to be covered when i get into debt#but to also expect her to be nice about it but like. im not asking her to CODDLE me i get initially it makes sense for her to be angry#but she could at least acknowledge that i ALWAYS beat myself up over shit like this way more than anyone else will#like im so mad rn im trying not to cry just bc im so FRUSTRATED and the entire time she's fucking shouting in my face#about how she moved out at seventeen and had three jobs at uni and no one to support her etc etc#and just name-callling shit im already calling myself like it was an HONEST MISTAKE#she's acting like i purposely went behind her back and took £600 when i was very visibly horrified when i figured it out#and i immediately came clean to her regardless of how scared i was to admit it. im just so mad like i know i sound spoilt#and like im huffing and puffing over something that could have been SO MUCH WORSE if i didnt have my parents to cover me#but like. i can pay her back within 2 WEEKS of waitressing. ive never handled my rent before. i didn't do it on purpose#and im more annoyed with myself than she can ever be and she KNOWS that about me. so like. please dont shout at me lol#it's just i was SO proud of myself for saving for america and how hard ive worked and i should have known i was gonna fuck it up somehow#& now the £1500+ i'll total have saved for america that i worked so hard for is gonna be tainted bc i owe £600 all bc of my own stupidity#hella goes home
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today is literally the worst day ever this is the worst news i have ever been given in the past 4 years.
#me.txt#i would say the worst news ive ever been given EVER but then i remembered my dad died. woops.#i am absolutely crushed ive just been sitting here in silence for almost an hour#no matter what i cant keep them. i dont want to get in trouble i quite like having a place to live#just. man. MAN.#even if i could keep them i know i wouldnt be able to afford rats AND a cat#rats alone when i only had one job during the semester was almost too much money + work for me#like i didnt plan on adopting another set of rats anyway. even tho i love my boys. its just too much work for me.#im so sad i wanted to at least see them to the end of their little lives :(#but they have to go now. :(((#at least i'll have a cat but man. man. i love my baby boys so much.
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hm. having a style crisis again. the cyclical curse of the artist is never-ending
#I am the best artist of all time -> eh -> meh -> this is the worst drawing ever made I should quit -> eh -> I am a god#my final college semester starts in like a week so this is Excellent timing :////#anyway maybe no new fanart for a bit lol I’ve been fighting the same windwaker drawing for like a week now
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sometimes i'm just awake in the middle of the night and it suddenly hits me all over again that i'm literally only halfway through college and already i'm making a film with my number one comedy hero????? like what the hell that's the type of goal i expected to be chasing for my entire career but it's happening now!!!
#this is literally the luckiest i've ever been#and tbh the fact that it happened mere months after probably the worst depressive episode in my life makes me feel like#the universe is rewarding me for getting through the shit mental health i had to deal with back in november#(yes november had some high points too w/r/t my show other girls being completed. but holy hell other girls took a LOT out of me)#also i have no idea if i'm actually gonna be able to do this but my mom and i have been looking into the possibility of me graduating early#so i can get my degree by the end of 2024 (potentially even doing my last semester online)#so that i can move to canada and establish myself more in the toronto comedy scene asap!!!#bc like. ngl i feel like with this documentary. i've basically accomplished what i wanted to get out of college#nothing's gonna top this while i'm still a student. and i already have a very solid support system up in toronto which will only grow#(and yes that support system includes three people who worked on the kids in the hall. genuinely how is this what i'm graduating into???)
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Feeling the academic burn out to the point where I straight up wrote that I'm burnt out in a reflective essay
#only going to be slightly awkward when I next see that professor lol#btw I hate reflective essays#please don't make me write about myself#this semester is straight up like how much of the worst assignments and content ever can Ashley handle#just have to get through to May and I will be free#struggling my way through#it's been a long day#the only thing keeping me going is knowing that I'm 6 days away from seeing FOB#ashley rambles
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If I had a nickle for every time I had to leave class early because a tescher threw a triggering topic on the class without actually thinking of how it might impact students I'd have two nickles. Which isn't a lot but fucked up it happened twice.
#First it was a video of chimpanzees attacking and killing other animals without warning#Now this new teacher wants me to debate against allowing euthanasia even though putting my dog down was one of the worst thing I've ever#had to do. But he was suffering and it was the right thing. And then this teacher demanded I argue against it#Without even fucking thinking about how fucked up it was to randomly assign students to fight against the idea of euthanasia#tw animal death#I hate this class so goddamn much I've hated it since day 1 I hate it hate it hate it#It isn't even relevant to how I want to use my major#But it's mandatory and became mabdatory literally my last fucking semester of school so I have to
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um yall… sam’s roommate pulled up to coffee like. um. dressed like this. btw. and their hair is just like. a better fluffier mullet. is this surprising
#just wanna express what i’m dealing with btw because the hair thing sort of hit me like a truck earlier and then i was like#well girl wait… literally… come on lmao… also we both wore sweatervests hashtag twinem#it’s so chill though coffee was really fun#we ended up hanging for like two hours and then i was like fuckkkkk g2g to class and they walked w me partway there#and then almost dapped me up gave me a hug at the worst possible intersection there were so many people walking fuck the construction fr#but like. yeah it was chill im glad i reached out even tho like idk things r... ok.. w sam but we’re certainly not like 🤞#and i think they just had a semi recent breakup and drama and im like. um. largely unwell#and need 2 just get through this semester so i rlly forced myself to chill and go in with no expectations and it was just :-)#i was charmed by how passionate he was talking abt the weather and stuff like within minutes of meeting#i was listening to a very excited spiel about el nino and the tornadoes in wisconsin and etc oh and they came up w an ocean fact for me#and also ugh they played piano for so long growing up and can still like. do it. fucckcjkkk. and demonstrated#this rlly odd chord. um. like stretching and flexing their hand. srrryy lol i’m just giggling#lol and i mentioned my hair journey at one point and they were like ‘yeah? tell me about it’ shut UP… oh and also#knew exactly the stairwell i was talking abt when i described my favorite and we managed to chat abt that ugh it was so dorky#like. aw wow this person is just really cool#i also think they’re stupid hot but like idk since we actually um communicated and etc it's taken out a lot of the#tendency i had/have to be like 'sigh what if -' and er mythologize ppl. i suppose could be said. like aw we're just yapping and we're loyal#story likers now and if they ever want to just like make out sometime that’s so chill but regardless like we ball 💪#yayyyyyayyyyy me when i can be normal about things!!!!! 🫶🙈#abby talks
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started actually spiraling out today i am. unwell
#ri speaks#had literally the worst fucking day dude#found out i had to write an APPEAL. for a job i really want. because i failed a class last semester.#and then Moments Afterwards#fucking three people texted me#all at the same time.#and i love my friends i do#but it was truly too much#i was like. already freaking out and then#i was sitting there like. god. im the worst friend ever (<- did literally nothing wrong)#and then i skipped my night class because i was like fully starting to have a panic attack#AND THEN. someone emailed me back and “updated” me on something i ALREADY KNEW and i was like oh my god. i cant do this.#because like. i ALREADY felt guilty about that#and then that just compounded it#but its literally not my fault i knew. but whatever#and they literally wont care theyre like the sweetest person I've ever met#i went to dinner and was like. so fucking nauseous from stress#AND THEN. AND THEN.#i got home and started to feel better#AND SOMEONE FUCKING#DROVE UP TO THE SIDE OF MY BUILDING#GOT OUT OF THEIR FUCKING CAR#AND THREW A MASSIVE SNOW BALL AT MY WINDOW ONLY#AND THEN DROVE AWAY#like i just. what the fuck dude#i cannot i really just cannot#i think everyone thinks im crazy for like being weirded out by the snowball thing but they don't get it#like. fully none of my friends would have done that#and it was so specifically my window#like i just cannot fucking do this im having the fucking worst time
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Working on my Honors Thesis paper about pop culture misconceptions of the gender and racial dynamics of the Salem Witch Trials while listening to the YouTube channel Gooba and Jetpack’s playlist of Nancy Drew music and typing ambience makes me feel like I am Professor Beatrice Hotchkiss working on a new book about Elinor Penvellyn, and that’s all I want in life.
#seriously this has been the worst semester ever and I’m doing the majority of the writing in just a few days please pray for me#at least my advisor is an actual angel#nancy drew#nancy drew games#clue crew#her interactive#nd#curse of blackmoor manor#treasure in a royal tower#Penvellyn#professor hotchkiss
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yall.. ive been gathering up energy since the semester ended and i finally cleaned out my fridge today.. there was over 20 dishes to wash and a 30 gallon trash bag filled completely i also broomed and mopped my room and the kitchen and wiped down the counters
#it was insane bro#i cant believe i was living like that#like wow i knew livoing alone was gonna cause some chaos but this might be the worst it ever got so far#fortunately i am moving soon#so i think that will help a lot of things#for one i think theres a dishwasher (hopefully it works)and laundry in the building#two its 20 minutes from my school#three the layout is much smaller so it will be less cleaning#the layout is also a favorite of mine from other places ive lived so i think i'll even enjoy cleaning..#bathroom is also my favorite layout so cleaning it and myself should be more approachable as well#overall if theres no hidden horrors in that place i should be much better off#also back in my favorite neighborhood so im happy about that very much#anyways i feel like ive been living in such chaos the last semester and now im resetting and its good but also im worried#bc what if it goes back to that state of chaos i just cant i hate when im in that state i cant think logically#and when i cant think money gets wasted and i feel like shit from not taking proper care#overall bad experience and i just want long term goodness and stability man#ive had enough last semester had to wake up early too much and classes were WAY TOO LONG ive learned 1.5 hr class 2x a week is better for m#actually audhd#actually adhd#actually autistic#🧃#but one step at a time right.. i can do it..#i wonder how much adhd meds would help#if only i could get DIAGNOSED somewhere grrrrrrrr#i bet they would help with the executive dysfunction#which is the main issue#and maybe i need to start paying more attention to my sensory needs so i use up spoons slower#i was doing more of that last spring and it was a good semester despite the stress from that chemistry class#this semester is all my favorite subjects and only 4 classes#earliest class is @ 11 and thats only twice a week
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