#this is scheduled im typing this rly fucking early in the morning

[phagodyke]

the delivery stuff isn't even a real problem I'll just ask for the slip and pay the prescription charge its fine. I'm just stressing myself out abt it bc even tho I do want to at least try meds bc theyre statistically v likely to help me manage shit I'm very reluctant to medicate bc anything that "artificially" affects how I think/feel scares me

the titration providers love sending me huge blocks of text right when I'm at my least capable of processing the written word

[jurygarroth]

IT’S HERE!

The Minecraft Diaries Snow Fairy collab is now live on Youtube!!

Thank you guys so much for your support from the interest check and beyond. I’m super excited to start this with all of you, I hope this becomes something really fun and cool to work on and watch when the final product comes out!

To apply, please fill out this Google form. Applications close at the end of July 1st, 2023. All artists and artist-animators are welcome. Tell your friends! And let me know if questions arise. Askbox and DMs are always open.

[transrightsjimin]

im sorry im not rly in the BE hype atm :((

rant coming which has nothing to do w the album but everything w stress nd fatigue nd crying nd more job stress nd sensory overload and me turning everything into a worse issue in my head etc etc

i was this morning when i saw the mv nd watched the vlive but i obv slept way too few bc i went to bed late nd woke up early for the live and i had to rush a lot w errands nd an appointment w my autism coach nd at said appointment we called a dude from the municipality to inquire abt jobcoaches nd it turned out we misunderstood what jobcoaches are as they are who u get referred to when u have a job, nd the guy found it hard to figure out what type of trajectory(?) would best fit me for help nd now i have time to think abt it and will speak him again in 2 weeks or sooner if i want to. im just so tired nd a bit hungry and on edge and one sec, im in the side of the house tht faces kids playing around aka screeching as if theyre dying every second nd its majking me only more on edge!!!!

but urgh i cried so bad during the appointment and was prob way too rudde to her before the appointment, bc she talks loudly nd sounds rude nd confronting but just naturally bc ofher tone nd language nd urghgh h thikning abt jobs nd trying to talk nd not cry too hard when trying to explain stuff to the man over the phone was rly hard, like obv its fine if he knows im crying but its just hard to talk when crying nd im just so devastated thinking abt jobs!! i dont know what type of job i could handle nd it feels like im making everythig up bc i did somehow finish two studies in uni and im privileged enough w education and whiteness tobe more easily selected for a job by e.g. last name on my cv and i shouldnt be this picky but god i cant handle smth as physically demanding and underpaid as this, im tired 4/7 days that im not working nd what i earn in those 3 days is still not enough to cover rent bc they pay only for the delivery time itself instead of more hours!!! it just feels like wtf am i doing bc the municipality guy did admit im not the usual person he works w bc i had an education, as if i dont belong in the group but its really just an issue of having -100 confidence and no job experience!! like i rly dont strive for a fancy job or ‘’’career’’’, i just bneed something that i can pay my monthly expenses w and have a bit left to save up for e.g. emergencies, additional medical bills (like the 350 euros from the adhd diagnosis and therapy, which my autism coach will contact my adhd therapist abt, like if that bill can be delayed or split up in a payment plan), paying back for loan debt eventually and MAYBE soon god forbid i save up for smth fun. and i “need” the job also to have a daily activity and some structure in my life bc a large part of the reason my schedule is so fucked up is bc i have no more set time tht i need to be anywhere or any strictness or reason to get up nd so i just dont ghhh

im always looking for reasons why i cant do smth and why smth would go wrong and im already looking at every area where getting help w getting a job can go wrong like e.g. me being too stubborn abt companies i dont agree w or me thinking i cant do anything just bc i have not much working experience outside of mail delivery :(

nd then there was this A B C task list system my adhd therapist proposed in wihc i keep track of my most to least urgent + important tasks every day nd we werent sure where to keep track of that kind of list and she suggested sticking a paper to a wall (i think id rather use my wardrobe) to write it on and change or replace that every day and it sounds like a hassle but i rly need to do it every day, nd i can try other methods but thatd be either writing it on my phone but im not always on there nd theres not a type of file i can make that doesnt move back chronologically as i make new notes

ALSO im just very frustrated w myself bc my mom wanted to come over w food and i know she was too sudden w it but if only i left on time for the stores it wouldnt have been an issue. i feel like shes rly sad she couldnt come visit. fucking hell i rushed so much back and forth from the stores that i forgot to put the leftover letters from work yesterday into the outdoor mailbox and i already stress abt this bc my current teamcoach (aka manager) is more stricter w this stuff nd recently asked for a statement / explanation by me on why there were 29 letters w/o sticker from a route i did  counted from the collected mail that were in outdoor mailboxes, and i did not do that but my only alibi / reason for not making that huge mistake was that i hadnt posted any mail yet that day and obv he wasnt happy w that. i sometimes had dreams / nightmares recently where i was late again or fucked up w a new route and got fired for it and thats quite an awful scenario / fear to me bc thats exactly why my dad was fired by his previous employee, for being late too often nd we’re the exact same. it just sucks bc i know many ppl who worry abt being late arrive to early at shit bc lol anxiety but i still arrive late every day WHILE being stressed abt it nd my whole fucking issue is that i need to break w bad patterns MYSELF, like whether i get help for autism stuff or adhd or sleep or whatnot, the homework / assignments / tasks / advice they give me, in the end i still need to be the one to do it and push through and make a change or put more effort into not going continuously back to the same distractions or demotivating black-white thinking

just URGH im so easily annoyed nd sensitive, also as in sensitive on a tactile level nd it doesnt help tht my room is a mess nd im super stinky from bts BE excitement and from squeezing my skin a lot last night, nor does the fact that i have rly bad coordination / awareness of my surroundings nd continuously bumping into shit or getting caught on smth help, which is also another reason im just so slow at work bc if i try to walk or deliver mail faster i keep end up bruising nd tripping or tear my hands on all these hard to move or sharp mail box slots if im not careful nd slower, which does still happen but not as bad when im careful

im also rly dizzy rn from haing slept too few and just urgh i “need“ a stupid fucking job, i need the money i need the structure but my god does actual labour and having to deal w colleagues every day and trying to keep up w stuff and be fast and precise enough in whatever the job is, sound horrifying hhhgghgh

OK RANT OVER IM SICK OF ME TALKING SO MUCH

[jakganim]

I'm back, and I didn't mean "coming on to strong" as in the girl making the first move but like,,being really serious in the relationship early on? Mostly I'm just nervous to talk to him bc I think I'll make a fool out of myself and expose my feelings before I have a chance to be his friend D:

ahh i see i see!! yikes i can see how that could be an issue :((

honestly, i believe in you!! you never really know til you really know. my only advice ever in these situations is to really try and get to know the person. (assuming you’d like any advice from me at all lmao i’m not very good at this) i think it’d be better for the both of you! either you find out you rly like this person and wanna pursue further or you find out it was just a crush and won’t be anything more. no matter what happens, it’s nice to have closure. unless of course you enjoy just watching from afar, which is also understandable.

edit: don’t ever be afraid of ur nerves. tbh sometimes they’re extremely helpful and endearing. when ppl are nervous when they first meet me, i appreciate that more. it means that despite it all they decided to talk to me. that’s courage more than anything else. and if u make a fool of urself, don’t hesitate to laugh about it. be upfront about it too. like hey man it’s hard for me to talk to strangers first but hEY im tryin. and i’m sure he’ll appreciate it too.

no matter what, like i said, i’m rooting for you!! even if i can’t be helpful, i’ll be with you on this journey if you want :’)

and now for a fun anecdote about jordan & crushes, under the cut cos i ain’t tryna drown everyone in my love life (or lack thereof to be more accurate) but i swear this is relevant!!

so one time a few yrs back, i had a crush on this complete stranger. i saw him once on the bus i took on my commute to school everyday. the crazy thing was, i took a bus and two subways to get to this school and he ended up being on that same bus, and later the same subway cart, which led me to believe he went to the same school as me. he did. it’s hard to make friends when you go to a commuter school. sometimes i see ppl and never see them again so i didn’t think much of this guy. he was cute was all.

later on that week i saw him waiting for the same bus going back home this time. i msged my cousins (we have a gc on katalk lmao) and was like mY DUDES. I’VE SEEN THIS CUTE GUY TWICE ALREADY. IF I SEE HIM A THIRD TIME IT’S FATE RIGHT? and they were like talk to him if you see him again.

now i’m normally not the type to talk to strangers out of nowhere ok? i mean, it’s all case by case but even tho i’m psycho crazy i’m still an introvert at heart and p shy.

BUT I KID YOU FUCKING NOT, AS FATE WOULD HAVE IT, i saw him again on the bus. this time it felt a lil like the world was pushing us together. my bus gets crowded at a certain stop in the morning cos it stops picking up people at a certain point so i’m lucky to get a seat. but there was an empty seat next to me. i knew it’d get taken though so i didn’t rly care to see who was getting on the bus (there was a huge line waiting) but when the person sat next to me i automatically looked up at them out of habit and legit did a double take bcos lo and behold it’s Bus Guy. same hat, same bag, same everything, all black getup. up close he’s cuter. i was like semi freaking out at this point. it was now or never. either i was gonna take that crazy leap of faith and talk to this guy, or regret not being the crazy one for once.

so i legit was just like hey i know this is weird but i’ve seen you on this bus a couple times already and i recognize ur bag and you go to /insert school name here/ right? and he was like !!! yeah!! and wtf we hit it off, he was very straight up and open and i LOVE that in a person. i love when they speak their mind and are receptive and all that. we were very compatible, talked like nonstop and exchanged info. he thought it was really brave of me to just suddenly talk to a stranger. i thought it was too. we were both surprised tbh. we became bus buddies. whenever we could we tried to match our commute schedules. everything was awesome, i was like i wanna be friends with this guy forreal cos like i said, it’s hard to make friends for me. or close friends at least. and commuting buddies?? the best.

turned out he had a gf and was about to graduate and was just really working on getting his life together. and when i found out he was taken i wasn’t even mad. ye i was a lil disappointed bcos imagINE but at the same time, he was such a cool dude. i gained a new friend. and knowing he had a gf meant i could get over this crush, no regrets. the worst that could’ve happened was he turned out to be a douche and then i would’ve DEFINITELy gotten over the lil crush. but he wasn’t a douche and i think it was super cool that we met like that, even if it started with me going wOW HES CUTE. and now it’s a cool story i get to tell ppl. moral of the story: make a friend if you can. take that step and i swear things will happen :’) you got this fam.