#this is stuff I've been ruminating on for well over a year now and wanted to put down in writing for sharing and input

[tinylongwing]

Vide Noir's dual narrative structure

All right, here it is, me making good on at least one of my meta threats. Lord Huron's album Vide Noir can be interpreted as an album with two parallel, contrasting narratives - that of the lead protagonist Buck Vernon, as well as that of Johnnie Redmayne.

Disclaimer: this is an interpretation I think is pretty sound and well-reasoned, but I make no claim to any of this being proven canon information.

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For those unfamiliar or who need a reminder, the primary narrative is this: the year is 1967, and we start near the end of Buck's journey, as he awakens from being black-brained (Lost in Time and Space). Having just suffered an overdose on the drug vide noir, his memories are slow to return to him, but return they do - his fiancee, Leigh/Lee Green (from here on Leigh but both spellings have been used), left him without a word one night, and he decided to follow, heading west to Los Angeles from their home town of Detroit, Michigan. He's been struggling to find her, checking every bar in the city in case she was booked to sing at one as her move was the result of her chasing her dream of becoming a singer. He doesn't remember a lot about himself, really, after that overdose, but he remembers her, and his love for her makes him desperate to find her.

We're then taken back to the night he left to find her (Never Ever) and his journey is mostly linear from there - he meets a fortune teller, Lady Moonbeam, who tells him that pursuing Leigh will end in his ruin, but he refuses to accept her advice and pushes on (Ancient Names I & II). He laments that he's been some kind of fuckup, that maybe he chased Leigh away through his own behavior, but that he still loves her and begs for her to return (Wait By the River). At some point around here he also learns of the drug vide noir and contemplates using it himself for clues.

(Note that unlike in the movie, in the album, nothing suggests that Buck suffered from a murder attempt by Z'Oiseau's henchmen but that instead he may have overdosed himself in an attempt to find Lee. However, there's plenty of reason to suspect that the film is the canon interpretation here anyway and the henchmen kidnapping Buck just doesn't make for a song I guess.)

One way or another, he winds up black-brained, where some deep existential truths of the universe are revealed to him (Secret of Life - namely that everyone and everything dies in the end, and that a human life is brief, fleeting, and ultimately meaningless within the context of the universe as a whole). He somehow reawakens rather than dying (Back from the Edge) and, again, understands that nothing he does will ever matter, has never mattered*, but that *even though* he's suffered greatly already on this quest, he's still committed to trying to find Leigh, pitting himself against that careless universe (The Balancer's Eye).

So he keeps searching (When the Night is Over) until he finds a clue, or a helping hand of some sort, that leads him on the right path to his beloved Leigh (Moonbeam). We get one more reminder of the forces at work here - vide noir is some awful stuff, it nearly killed him, Leigh herself is hooked on it now, it shows you terrible truths and nightmares beyond human comprehension (Vide Noir) - and when all is said and done, as Buck thinks he's about to "rescue" Leigh from her fate and bring her back to his fantasy of a perfect happy life together, she rejects him. He came all this way through time and space, and she doesn't love him at all in the end (Emerald Star).

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I consider this the primary narrative here because it makes use of all the songs on the album, it has a clear start and ending and a mostly linear structure, and the album basically serves as a soundtrack to Buck's fool's errand. The film agrees - every scene is centered around his journey, after all. But we have context from Lord Huron's other albums, as well as the lyrics and musical stylings of multiple songs on Vide Noir, that show us that Buck isn't necessarily the only narrator on this album. Strange Trails, of course, came out three years prior, and features songs by multiple fictional bands performing songs which serve as narration for a diverse cast of characters. Unlike on Strange Trails, where each track has a writer or band specifically named and assigned to it as well as a character narrative, Vide Noir does not give us such conclusive information, but we can still put clues together to understand at least some of who the in-universe performers might be on Vide Noir.

Most likely, multiple of these songs are by the Buck Vernon Band - this is pretty obvious. Buck's semi-autobiographical music is all over Strange Trails, usually referencing a girl he loves, sometimes referencing that the girl left him, often giving her different names, all starting with L (Fool For Love's "Lily", and "Louisa").

But the other band that we can easily identify as performers on Vide Noir are the Phantom Riders. For those who need an introduction, this is the band composed of four members of the World Enders gang, with Dale Redmayne at the helm as lead writer. They were seen previously on Strange Trails as well, with banger surf/rockabilly hits like Hurricane, Until the Night Turns, and The World Ender. As a storytelling tool, they are primarily brought in to tell us about the man-turned-undead horror entity known as The World Ender himself, and then otherwise mostly we get their songs about Dale's brother Johnnie Redmayne, who is introduced to us in Strange Trails as a fun-loving and presumably fairly young guy, a thrillseeker and hedonist, who lives for the moment as if the world could end any day. The Buck Vernon Band jumps in between some of these songs with an interjection to tell us that wait, Johnnie is dead, or was, but he got back up. In Dead Man's Hand, Buck speculates that Johnnie could have been murdered or may have killed himself, accidentally or intentionally, upon first seeing him. It's in Vide Noir that we actually learn more about the circumstances of Johnnie's death.

Before we get to that, let's first identify which Vide Noir songs are by the Phantom Riders. This isn't all that hard to do. Any song that references The World Ender is presumably theirs - that gives us Secret of Life right away ("I sit alone in the dark, and I try to remember the words you spoke when you summoned the Ender"). This is reinforced in the Alive From Whispering Pines webseries, episode 423 - Secret of Life, when played, shows a skeleton prop the band has jokingly referred to as Cobb Avery on their social media posts in the past, and after the song ends in this episode, the tune continues in a slowed and distorted fashion through a clip of a WBUB movie version of Dead Man's Hand showing Johnnie rising from the pavement when Buck is about to bury him.

Ancient Names Parts I and II are presumably written by the same band as a two-part song. In the Vide Noir film, the Phantom Riders are performing Part II in the underground club. Additionally, in Alive From Whispering Pines episode 426, after Tubbs Tarbell is done reminiscing about the band and their nihilism, Ancient Names Part II is the next song covered - and often in this series, the structure of the segments between songs are intentional and related to either the song they precede or the song they follow, so it's likely that the placement of the Phantom Riders' appearance followed by a track they're associated with is meant to help confirm them as the performers. In addition, Ancient Names Part I references a fortune teller, and we know from the film that the fortune teller in question, Lady Moonbeam, is associated with the World Enders and knows the Redmaynes.

The last track on Vide Noir that is most likely theirs is the title track, Vide Noir. We have two points of evidence for this - one lyrical ("Many evils have I enjoyed, prowling the night raising hell with the boys" which feels like a pretty direct reference to the World Enders' nighttime violence) and one musical - the main melody of Vide Noir is identical to that of Ancient Names (and Fortune Teller's Theme, actually). In Strange Trails, using the same melody for multiple songs was an easy way to tie Frankie Lou's songs together, and here we can see that it ties two Phantom Riders tracks together directly, indicating that not only are they both by the same band, but that Vide Noir is a followup to Ancient Names part I, in which our fortune teller did warn us things would go very, very wrong.

(And besides all of that, the Phantom Riders tracks on Vide Noir all tend to be similar in musical style - psychedelia-flavored garage rock with a heavy bass line, in contrast to other songs on the album.)

With those songs identified, we should also be aware of just how much Lord Huron seem to love their dual narratives. In Strange Trails, we have a really concrete example of this with The Night We Met. This song was in-universe written by Frankie Lou, presumably about her doomed relationship with Z'Oiseau and how much she wishes she had never met him to begin with (as she echoes in her dialogue in the Vide Noir film when speaking to Buck in her dressing room). However, the music video for this song shows not Frankie and Z'Oiseau, but instead Buck, driving west, while reflecting on his own failure to keep Leigh, wishing he could go back in time and fix things, and meanwhile kind of hallucinating her as he goes. In the album Long Lost, we get another dual narrative in I Lied, which is performed by Donny and Midge but is also sung by Leigh in Vide Noir, foreshadowing her breakup with and lack of love for Buck. There are certainly other dual narratives in both of those albums to be found as well - so what we should keep in mind here is that often, songs can be written and performed by a character or band in order to narrate for themselves or someone close to them, but that just as in our real-world movie soundtracks or our favorite character playlists on spotify, those songs can be applied to other characters in different (but somewhat similar) situations than the ones they were written for.

So! We have four Phantom Riders tracks on Vide Noir, all of which were presumably not written originally in-universe about Buck Vernon, because why would they be, Buck and the World Enders only briefly cross paths and at the very least we know that Ancient Names Part II was written well before he ever met them. Instead, it makes the most sense if like the bulk of the Phantom Riders songs, these tracks serve Johnnie's narration instead.

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If that's the case, what does that give us? Winding around and through Buck's journey is this second storyline. Johnnie Redmayne, having used and enjoyed vide noir himself abundantly ("I had a vision tonight that the world was ending" as one probable example), decides it's time to get his hands on bulk quantities so as to get the Enders in on controlling the flow of the drug in LA rather than letting Z'Oiseau maintain a monopoly, thereby also increasing revenue for the members of the gang.

It's Moonbeam who warns him to knock it off first. We know, thanks to the film, that he'd spoken to her at some point about his plans to investigate the source of the drug at Tobey's arcade and try to get his hands on some to sell. Whatever his exact plan was, in Ancient Names Part 1, Moonbeam warns him that pursuing this is going to get him killed. Vide noir isn't just a drug, it's something extremely dangerous, tied to dangerous people, and he needs to get away from "her" (and note that frequently throughout music history, drugs have been personified as a "her" or an unnamed lover, whether for poetic reasons or to evade censorship that might come from talking directly about drug use - and Cursed, off Strange Trails, is one more in-universe example, where "her" refers both to Leigh Green and to drug use, specifically vide noir).

Immediately afterward, Ancient Names Part 2, in addition to serving as a very classic sort of World Enders nihilism anthem, can easily be interpreted as Johnnie saying "fuck that, I do what I want, you only live one life anyway and even if it kills me, I want to make my mark before I go out." Death is something hypothetical - sure, it'll get him some day, it gets everyone, and maybe Moonbeam is even right, but he isn't going to let her warning stop him.

On Strange Trails, Buck and Johnnie cross paths at Dead Man's Hand. On this album they only cross thematically, and the pivotal moment of intersection might be Secret of Life. This song may be the point at which Buck learns some forbidden secrets revealed by taking vide noir as discussed above, but its lyrics speak a lot more specifically to Johnnie's experience, implying some connection between him, vide noir, and the World Ender.

It may be that as we see with Buck in the film, perhaps Johnnie too has suffered the effects of being black-brained prior to taking it due to the time and space-bending effects of the drug (notice, for example, in Strange Trails we get Johnnie's story in a scrambled chronological order) and here he's confronted with the harsh truths of what those past visions of his possible future mean for him: he has been set on a path that is no longer avoidable due to his eventual future overdose. So perhaps it's at this point that he acknowledges that he is going to die sooner rather than later and that his life and death will not have meant anything to the greater cosmos, but this information, which was new to Buck, is not something Johnnie fears. Johnnie is hardly new to this point of view. He's seen past echoes of the knowledge imparted by vide noir throughout his life, both in his future visions of the end of the world (again see Until The Night Turns) and in the knowledge passed on through other World Enders, including their own motto ("The fair, the brave, the good must die", or in Secret of Life here, "The darkness comes for all of us").

(As an aside, there's still a lot to unravel with Secret of Life that I haven't touched on here. It's a fascinating song with some really mysterious lyrics. I've speculated at length in the LH discord about some additional interpretations this song could yield but won't veer off topic here.)

And yet despite what looks like a very certain and dire end, Johnnie maintains hope that perhaps he, too, will live past this. Because if Cobb Avery did, why can't he? This is part of the gang's core mythos - their founder is a dead man. He clawed his way back out of the grave for revenge, they thought it was just so fucking cool that he was unkillable that they had to join him, and together they dismantled the Winthrop Corporation, one murder at a time. When the police finally caught up to him, they lynched him - but the noose did nothing, for he was already dead, and now in the form of a skeleton, he called the gang to his side (see Strange Trails: The World Ender comic book). In the ensuing chaos, he flees, the gang heads west and relocates to east Los Angeles, and in the time contemporary with the events of Vide Noir, he is still present among them but this appears to be unknown to the public (Daily Trails prop, by Kim Berens, used in both Vide Noir and Alive From Whispering Pines where it was modified to Ten years later).

Whether The World Ender is readily visible to and known by most members of the gang at this point is unknown, but we know that those who were black-brained can see him (in the film, Buck sees him approaching, bumps into him, plunges into a hallucination of his own future, and when he comes too, the Ender is gone). Given the Secret of Life lyrics, it's reasonable to guess that Johnnie at least can see the World Ender just fine and one way or another, in speaking with him and in conjunction with consuming vide noir, has learned enough secret knowledge to make some kind of choice - and this is what later enables him, too, to drag his way back to the world of the living.

Fate catches up to Johnnie and as we learn in the film, his death was at the hands of Z'Oiseau's henchmen for trying to gain access to dealing in vide noir. Like Buck, he is black-brained - forced to swallow enough of the drug to kill him. And so the track Vide Noir opens with the Fortune Teller's Theme previously heard in Ancient Names Part 1, and that tune is woven through the track - Moonbeam's "I warned you, I told you so" to both of these fools who disregarded her advice. Although, again, the lyrics are clearly meant primarily to narrate for Johnnie - "Many evils have I enjoyed, prowling the night raising hell with the boys, getting high on a pure black void" sounds a lot more like what Johnnie gets up to than Buck. We are given a glimpse of his last words and final thoughts as life slips away and his consciousness is sent straight to the final edge of the cosmos.

---

So ultimately, this is what we're left with:

Vide Noir is an album that tells the story of Buck Vernon, whose fiancee has left him. His journey culminates in a near-brush with death, in finding Leigh, and in learning that she does not love him and that he's nothing, his life is worth nothing more than dust and that none of it mattered or will ever matter, that once he eventually dies he will vanish and be forgotten in time.

Vide Noir also tells the story of Johnnie Redmayne, who for once tries to do something that isn't just for his own hedonistic pleasure but that might actually help bring in money to support his friends and family, but he's too headstrong and impulsive to listen to the warnings he's given, and is killed in the attempt.

One lives who probably shouldn't have and comes out at rock bottom and now has to work out how to move on from here, and one dies a nihilist who should presumably just accept the inevitability of death, but has the knowledge and absolute stubborn determination to enable his eventual return, following in the footsteps of Cobb Avery.

And what happens to both of them afterward? Well, we don't know. Hopefully some day (SOON?? BEN PLEASE) we'll get the opportunity to find out!

[bidonica]

Hey! I see you're into fragile/higgs ship and caught myself quite like them too recently (tho i've been in DS fandom already for a year and mostly thought about them as a friends)

Just wondering why do you like them? Do you have any headcanons/interesting thoughts? I'm very curious 👀

Hi! First of all apologies for the wall of text you're about to get, but unfortunately you came knocking at my door after I spent nearly two months ruminating about this ship basically by myself sooo I'm dumping it all here

Well the short (lol) version is that in my first playthrough I mostly just absorbed the characters and storyline, but by the time I got to their final scene on the Beach I was like wait a minute... their whole shared storyline feels way too loaded for them to simply have been business associates, that shit is personal, even Higgs wanting to damage Fragile feels way too pointed to just be justified by "he was a turncloak with a secret agenda." Now, I'm not against a "they were simply close friends" interpretation, it works just as well to explain the emotional weight of their falling out, BUT I also cannot ignore the zest, the flavor, the spice of them actually having been involved romantically at some point. And honestly going into my second playthrough with the shipping goggles on I can't help thinking that Fragile speaks about Higgs like he was an ex that hurt her, and the way that she is suspiciously cagey about the specifics of their relationship makes my ears shoot up like a German shepherd.

On a Doylist level I also find it interesting that Kojima gave Higgs extra backstory that connects him to Fragile in the Director's Cut, and also how the behind the scenes for the DS2 mocap show Troy and Léa sharing a scene... I think Kojima is not done intertwining their story and we'll get more info in the sequel.

Now for the headcanons... I have enough that I might or might not be writing a long-ish fic about it, but I want to finish this Director's Cut playthrough before completing it (I could just look stuff up on the wiki but that's not fun). Also I have some art in the pipeline about it that I hope to post within the week. Anyway, the bite sized version of how I envision their relationship:

I hc Higgs as being immediately attracted to Fragile but not really acting on it, while she develops her attraction after getting to know him a little. Then she's down bad but she doesn't even realize it until it's so obvious it hits her in the face

A few people at their joint Fragile Express/whatever Higgs' operation was called co-op assume they are an item long before anything ever happens, because they just hang out together a lot. They have a similar penchant for corny jokes and puns and enjoy some light banter; Fragile finds Higgs' flair for theatrics endearing, while he is drawn to how gentle she is because he has known so little softness in his life (also he thinks she's insanely pretty, which duh. It's self evident because Léa Seydoux) (it's his first serious girl crush anyway; I hc him as bi and as having had mostly experiences with men before her)

They bond over their DOOMS condition and Higgs is fascinated by Fragile's powers, while she is less enthused by all the collateral effects. In my hc, at this point she has yet to become as skilled at traveling through dimensions as she is in the game, which makes her reluctant to agree to Higgs' requests to show him the Beach. This sows the seeds of his resentment towards her, because he feels she has a privilege she doesn't make use of and doesn't want to share.

They are both pretty touchy feely (canon!) so when their relationship goes from friendly to romantic it gets physical immediately and enthusiastically. Yes even accounting for the worldwide lowered sex drive. If there's one thing I never do is put characters in horny jail 🫡

 I think Fragile got to know a version of Higgs that was quite different from what we see in the game, which you sort of can gauge from the more optimistic pages of his diary. Like there's a part of him who's starved for love and connection and a sense of belonging and gravitates towards people like Coffin (he never had a mother) and Fragile herself; ironically, the pull towards Amelie answers to the same need but in reality it feeds on his more nihilistic, call-of-the-void side. I'm not saying that Amelie brainwashed him or anything, but I think she saw what was already there – a  deep seated resentment towards a hostile world and towards those he feels got handed a luckier deal than he did, that he countered by clinging to the notion of being special because of his DOOMS, but then there's someone like Fragile who's even more special and doesn't seem to be doing much with it. Amelie gave him a chance to fulfill what he felt was his potential and shared her power with him, but the tradeoff was severing  the connections he had, "killing" the part of him that wanted to be loved to make space for what he perceived as a higher form of love ("I found someone who completes me" which he says to Fragile specifically like he wants to rub it in her face? Like she wasn’t  enough to fulfill that role?)

That’s why I think it’s significant that he lost his hands with his power-up, because the (holding, welcoming) hands are strongly associated with Fragile; and to me it makes sense if he purposely ruins her body also because it’s a way to stifle his attraction to her. There’s also a lot of projection because HE is the one who’s felt like damaged goods all along, who grew up being  crushed psychologically and physically. I also think that both of them coming close to annihilating the other but choosing not to – leaving them in a dicey situation but not entirely without escape – shows in some twisted way that their bond still exists, which makes me giggle and rub my hands like a nasty little goblin knowing we have another game coming.

So… That’s the gist of it. Sorry for rambling on but as I said, I don’t really get the chance to talk about this ship much – greetings from rarepair hell, etc.

[thedovahcat]

Gorillas and the New Year (Plus Price Increases)

Wow we made it to the end of 2023! Somehow...! Barely maybe for some of us.

For me it's been a lot of climbing out of the rat bucket I found myself in last year and the first half of this year. Maybe a little beyond that. I feel like now with college on the horizon, I'm just starting to be able to reach the rim of said bucket. It's been very hard and challenging, but honestly, probably necessary if I was ever going to start breaking any unhealthy cycles in preparation for my new upcoming school years.

This is the last chance I get to actually form some kind of career, something I didn't think I'd ever care about because I was always so willing to throw in the towel, and for a multitude of reasons. I've talked about it before in other posts, my lack of confidence that I was ever smart enough or like...good enough for anything beyond art... and this isn't a dig at art. But I've just had this whole self discovery thing all year where I'm realizing a career in art is not for me. I've been doing this for ten years now, maybe a little less but let's round up, and it's taken me all this time to realize as much. Unfortunately, I just had to go through it in order to realize as much, but it wasn't all bad. I made a ton of friends through it, I got my first full time job from it and gained much, I was able to buy my first car with it, a whole lot of firsts happened because of my skill in art. Not that it's like...spectacular or anything but I'm pretty proud of how far I've come. I don't know where I'll end up with my style, as I want to keep drawing as a hobby, but it's fun seeing it evolve year after year slowly into something I really dig.

Got a little off topic, but yes. So there's been that whole battle, along with the other side of it where I still worry if I'll be able to succeed in this Computer Science path I've chosen. I've met a lot of nay-sayers and doomspeakers about it, but I suppose that's the way it is with near everything. After all, -I've- turned into a doom speaker about an artistic career too. It's hard not to keep that to myself sometimes, only because I just don't want people to end up in the same dead end hole as I have where you can't advance your job anywhere, and you don't have a degree so people are even less willing... Gosh I feel like I've ended up turning into my parents in a way, they're the same. Harsh but fueled by concern. I come off that way a lot unintentionally and I feel bad about it. So I'm trying to combat. It's ...well it's going. It's my whole personality at this point lol.

So there's been those angles, there's been a lot of social changes in my life in regards to who I put my time into and what and where. It's gone pretty good on that front. I'm setting boundaries harder than I ever was before, and even then I'm still a bit shaky on things, but I've got what I call an obsessive mind, so if I don't do anything to help myself, then I'll be ruminating on shit I don't like for the rest of my college years, and perhaps life. And that's definitely not what I need right now. I gotta bring my A game to this and really put my neck out there if I want to succeed like a normal person lol (or whoever those go-getters are called. Something I am definitely not by heart.)

Started playing D&D 5e for the first time with my friends and honestly that's been like the top point of my year. I've been wanting to play for so long but things just never panned out or were a good time for it, and I was scared by all the numbers. I have gotten over my fear of numbers for now by scoring so well on that placement test earlier this year, so lol! Whatever it takes. I just really miss having some kind of group thing to look forward to weekly or maybe every 2 weeks, or whatever the case. Feels good when you feel like you belong somewhere, or people are looking forward to the same stuff you are. Always nice.

And I've started some new RP storylines with people I've known a long time, and unearthed some old ones that had been on hiatus for yeaarss, so that's also been really nice and exciting as well! Sure we're not all glued to the screen 24/7 anymore like when we were younger, but just a little fiction break in between life stuff happening is so welcome. I've been having a super hard time getting this 'escaping-life-through-fiction' thing I have under control, and I won't say that it is.... but it's considerably shifted into RL has taken priority over computer. Which, yes, good. Not that I ever had a problem with -that-. I knew it would be like this when I wasn't working. When I -am- working again though, I won't be so worried. I'll always care more about my irl job than silly things going on online, which is the goal I'd like to reach eventually.

Commissions were really really good this year, I tallied it all up, and even though it only came out to me being able to pay for a semester and 2/3rds, I'm still really really happy so many people have come back over and over to buy from me. It all feels worth it, my art journey. And I'm very much happy to continue it, for my own sake and for your sake! I love seeing your characters and I am very happy ya'll trust me enough with them time and time again. Despite all I've said, I'd be more than happy to offer commissions to people and draw for myself for quite some time yet.

...You're probably still holding your breath about the prices huh?

Sadly, as with anything, now that I have college to think about and, at the moment I can't really mentally handle a real job and school at the same time, I'm going to keep running commissions to do in between my school work (alongside rather). They might come out a little slower, but that's how it'll have to be a while.

At most I want to increase the sketch prices by $5 for each category (bust, half, full), and see how that does until the middle of the year. If it's all well and dandy, I will increase them again by another $5. Originally I wanted to bump it up ten all across the board, but I feel that's too much of a spike compared to what people are used to. Not to mention I'd have to raise the prices of all my other items, which will also see an increase come middle of the year. This plan isn't solid yet so don't hold me to it. I will make the necessary announcements when it's time!

Anyway, I wanted to thank everyone this year for just overall being there and helpin' me out tremendously when I needed it. The efforts are not taken lightly or forgotten, and likewise once I am able, I can't wait to be able to help all of you in the same way ya'll have helped me. Really, aside from financial and life stability lol I honestly miss having a job cuz it allowed me to spoil so many people. I really really miss that. So I'm working hard to get there again.

For now, here's to 2024! Come what may. We'll make it to the end some way or another, so buckle up.

[dianight]

Maybe a bit too sincere.

I've been having a rough couple weeks. Probably more, I just don't remember things very well because it all blends together. Last 2-3 days I've been on a sort of block where I want to do things but I just can't start. It's something I always struggle with, once I am going I keep at it but it's the first step that gives me a hard time.

Today after lunch I found myself stuck again, unable to decide. I managed to force myself to start practicing and from there it was actually fine, until I got interrupted by some software issue. Resolved(?) now but interruptions of any kind break my flow, stopping any momentum and generally putting me in an awful mood. It's the second time it's happened this week, where I was getting out of the metaphorical hole only for some unpredictable circumstance to not let me have a moment for myself.

I've been thinking it over for a few hours since then. What do I even want at this point? I'm aimless now and I'm not really sure how to find something that I want and am able to do. So I wondered about what the ideal scenario would be like. Unfortunately that ideal will never come to be since I've already had (one of) the worst possible outcome of coming out to my supposed friends (note the rage) so the world where I come out and I'm loved and accepted doesn't exist. So what now?

Everything I want requires money in some form or another. I've been unable to find a job for the past 2 years. The first one I didn't really look too hard but it did catch my attention that I didn't get any calls back from the majority of interviews. This summer was particularly bad and I was genuinely losing my mind with the amount of emails, calls and meetings that eventually end up in not hearing back from them.

And the more I think about it the more frustrating it is. I need money, but I need a job, but I need to move, but I need the means to look for a place and a job that lets me afford that place. Not many options left. And that's ignoring the "unnecessary" stuff like laser and clothes and other such matters which also cost money.

Could be worse, I could be sleeping on a shed in the garden and crying myself to sleep almost every night while I freeze. And believe it or not thinking about that does help somewhat; it's been much much worse and I got out of there, comparatively speaking I'm having a pretty easy time now.

And I do often say that it's the little things but this is not little at all. Getting ostracised for coming out is not at all how I expected things to go. I'd rather not elaborate. But that sort of support is what ideally would help me in situations like these. And when I'm really, really thinking about what I want to do and I come back to that moment and I really, really wanted that to go differently. A big part of my life, ripped apart.

So I have to focus on the more pragmatic stuff. And I end up on the same conclusion: I need money. And looking at job postings makes me depressed since it's just so much for so little. I've done the math already. It's grim. With a roommate it would maybe, hopefully work out. But that's another thing to search for. And my mind goes back to that moment. It's a bit of a depressive despair spiral to be alliterative.

Not sure what the point even is here. I was sort of ruminating/meditating about it and that post about the trans woman's fantasy crossed my mind. It was(!) my fantasy to be loved and accepted, you know? I guess that was asking for too much.

Tomorrow there are things to do and places to be so I'll probably be feeling a bit less down since pretending to be human requires a minimum of effort and attention so I won't be thinking about these things too much.

But it does get to me in moments like these.

[theghostpinesmusic]

So, when I first started writing about Goose jams regularly, I had a huge backlog of Euro tour shows to watch, and I thought it would be fun to occasionally write about a notable jam from the tour as I worked my way through the shows. Then I got to the end of the tour, weighed in on a few jams from Goosemas as well, and now...there's no more new Goose for the foreseeable future, for what seems like the first time since I started listening in 2019.

I'm going to survive, probably: it's actually been really fun diving back into other music over the last month-plus since Goosemas. I've caught up with some artists I used to love that had sort of fallen off my radar (Fleet Foxes, Wilco, Tallest Man On Earth), tried a few things I'd been meaning to try that I bounced off of (Dawes, Mt. Joy, Lord Huron), discovered some great new stuff (that Andre 3000 album is legitimately good), enjoyed some other jam bands (Spafford, JRAD), and remembered that I do, in fact, love Phish. And that's just in a month of listening!

While Goose's break from touring might mean that the scope of the jams I write about will broaden (I'll definitely share some Phish clips soon, and maybe some Spafford stuff), and it will definitely mean I write less of these posts than I have been lately, I do want to take some of the band's time off to return to some of the jams and shows that have had the biggest impact on me over the last four years.

This band has not only constantly grown and improved over the last four years, they've also blasted out such a nonstop barrage of content over that time that a) it's been hard to even hear/see/absorb it all once, let alone ruminate over much of it, and b) now that the fire hose has been off for a month, the prevailing attention-span-addled fan's attitude seems to be that Goose is done, and it's time to move on to a new fire hose.

To be clear, I'm not writing these posts to argue with some internet strawman, but once you engage with enough of these people often enough, their negativity sort of burrows into your brain and sets up shop (at least if you're me). The best counter to this, I've found, is to stay off social media and write stuff that makes me happy instead.

So, in that spirit, expect to see the occasional "archival" Goose post for the next few months as I revisit jams from the past, both from shows I attended in person and from shows that I just like a lot.

We're going to kick things off with "Rosewood Heart" from the 2/3/22 Wonder Ballroom show, which I attended. Because I haven't covered "Rosewood" yet, I'll have to talk a little about the song first.

And, because this show happened in early '22, I'll have to briefly talk about COVID-19. COVID first, I guess.

So, I could fill (and occasionally have filled) virtual pages of this blog with my thoughts on my experience of COVID-19 and the various ways in which it (mostly horribly) divided my life into thirty-eight years Before and (as I write this) four years After. But I want to focus on the jams today, so suffice to say that 2020 through 2022 was rough for me, like it was for many people.

In tough times, I often turn to music for perspective, escapism, catharsis...you name it. And of course, during 2020, new music was in short supply. Live new music was, basically, not happening. Honestly, as much as I love Goose for their songs and their jams, I think part of the reason I fell so hard for them during this time was because they were the only band still playing. That not only meant they were still putting out new music, it meant that you could watch a livestream of, say, Bingo Tour, and see evidence that someone out there was still doing something besides sneaking to the grocery store at 10pm and hand-washing their tomatoes. This is why, to this day, 3/27/20 is still one of my favorite Goose "shows." It's a good show, but under the circumstances at the time, being able to livestream it made me feel like maybe the world wasn't literally ending.

To cut a long story short, things slowly got better. I saw a bunch of shows in the summer of 2021: Phish at the Gorge and Shoreline and JRAD at the Frost and the Hollywood Palladium. It was a bit freaky to be around such large groups of people at the time, but my mental health was such that I also couldn't imagine not going. Standing out under the sun on the Gorge lawn was sort of the first time I'd felt normal in a year and a half at that point.

Of course, all of those shows were outside and it was easy to socially distance on the various amphitheater lawns (the Palladium is an indoor venue, but it wasn't sold out and it was easy enough to wear a mask and stay out of other people's bubbles during the show). The Goose shows I had tickets for in the spring of 2022 - the first headlining shows of theirs I would ever see and my first in-person Goose show since 2/20/20 - would all be indoors. What's more, in the months before these shows, following the halcyon days of summer '21, more and more concerts had become superspreader events, and frequently shows and entire tours were getting cancelled either because the performers themselves got COVID, or because the band couldn't justify the risk (to themselves and to their audience).

In summer '21, seeing Phish and JRAD had felt like reassurance: not all of my old life was gone, after all. But getting to see four full Goose shows in person in February of '22 felt like a possible step forward into a life beyond whatever the last year-and-change had been.

I was, of course, totally terrified for weeks before the shows that a) someone in the band would get sick, b) I would get sick, c) the tour would get cancelled for safety reasons, d) my car would break down, e) the weather wouldn't cooperate and I wouldn't be able to cross the mile-high pass to Portland, which frequently becomes a death trap during winter storms...

...and so on. It almost seems silly now (and is sort of hard to explain) how desperately a lot of people clung to this or that one good thing they had to look forward to during those times, and for me, for most of early 2022, it was those shows. I had lost so much over the previous year, it sort of felt inevitable that these shows wouldn't happen, that there would be some tragicomic denouement to the one thing I had allowed myself to look forward to.

But everything worked out!

My first show of the run was in Bend, on 2/2. This was a bit poetic, as my first (and only) Goose show before this had also been in Bend (the 2/20/20 one). It was a great show, but the venue was way oversold, so my wife and I hung way in the back, where we could approximate social distancing, and we wore masks the entire time. Of the two Wonder Ballroom shows on 2/3 and 2/4, conventional wisdom is that 2/4 was better, and the band clearly liked it better, too, as they posted the entire show on YouTube...but, I found 2/3 to be way weirder and more interesting for my money, including the "Rosewood" that I'm actually, finally going to get to here shortly. My last show of the run was at the Neptune Theater in Seattle, which was an absolute scorcher of an "encore" show...suffice to say, I went home happy.

While I certainly wouldn't say that this "Rosewood" was the best jam of the entire run (in my opinion, it's in about fifth place), there's a great video of it, and like I said a million words ago, I haven't written about a "Rosewood" yet.

Despite my ranking-language in the previous paragraph, I try to avoid rating and ranking art these days ("Comparison is the thief of joy," and all that)...but if you put a gun to my head and commanded me to pick a favorite Goose song (this is a weird situation, why are you doing this to me?), there're pretty good odds that I would choose "Rosewood." It's an older song of theirs (first played in 2015!) but also always sort of a rarity (only played fifty-five times total over eight years). There's a version of it on their first album, Moon Cabin, which doesn't sound a ton like the current iteration of the band (because it's not), but still gives you a nice snapshot of what makes the song great. In short, it's got some of my favorite compositional flourishes (especially on bass and keys) without being overly compositionally complex, the lyrics do that thing Rick does so well where they allude to a sort of mythological or existential lesson without getting so abstract they lose meaning, and...it's just a real pretty song, you guys.

So, finally, this version in particular. I was stuffed into an oversold Wonder Ballroom in Portland with hundreds of other fans, I was trying not to whack anyone with my poster tube, and I had already sweated through my mask, but I was pumped to hear my first live "Rosewood Heart."

It might just be me, but I feel like this version draws out the introductory noodling a bit longer than usual, before the drums kick in earnest at 0:52. We move quickly from ethereal swells of sound to cascading piano and guitar lines before Rick comes in on vocals. You'll notice immediately during the softer parts of the song how fucking loud the audience was throughout the show. Please go to a concert only if you plan to listen to the music. There are many other places in the world where you can talk.

I love how the feel of the song changes with the bridge section at 2:22. Trevor's bass parts here are particularly great. The piano break at 3:04 is also fantastic. The jam proper starts after the song's vocal outro, at 5:52.

Rick starts off with the lead, and the first thing I notice listening back is how much tinnier and thin his guitar sounds than it typically sounds during a '23 show. This isn't necessarily a good or bad thing in my opinion, but he's almost got a '09-'10 Trey Anastasio effect (what we jaded Phish fans called "the whale call" at the time) going on here. I like it way better when Rick does it, actually.

This beginning section of the jam has a really jazzy feel, because of Rick's playing but also the beat Ben is laying down and the scattered piano chords Peter is playing. It's pretty abstract compared to your "usual" Goose rock jam, which is neat.

Rick starts building some momentum at 7:40, and the band picks up the energy to match his shredding. There is an absolute Wall Of Cymbals here that is just great. Post-peak, there's a few minutes of high-energy shredding before Rick steps back at 10:00, setting the stage for the next jam space.

After a short, spacey interlude, Peter starts developing a riff (do you call it a riff when it's on piano?) on piano. Along with some great, nuanced drumming from Ben, this sets the stage for the next portion of the jam. This almost-but-not-quite-disco jam is a great example of what I often think of as Goose's "default" 2022 jamming style. Basically, Peter homes in on a particular "sample" that he plays over and over on keys for a few minutes while everyone else plays around him. It's something that happens a ton during many of the band's twenty-plus-minute jams from this year. I don't know if it's a matter of Peter not wanting to or being able to lead jams in other ways (he's a fairly new keyboard player, as per my understanding), or if this is just a reflection of the band's electronica influence (see songs like "Creatures" and "Into The Myst,") but they got a lot of mileage out of the approach during this year, to the point that I enjoyed it at first, but was getting a little tired of it by December. They'll come back to it occasionally these days, but to my ears, Peter's approach to improvising on keys is way more varied than it was two years ago.

All that said, the keys "sample" does provide a great foundation for this jam, as long as you're not being a grumpy, jaded fan about it. Rick adds a lot of flavor on rhythm and melody guitar, the percussion dropping in and out adds variety, and Trevor builds a nice, comfy wooden fence around the whole thing to keep it reasonably contained.

Things slow down a little at 17:10, when the bass drops out and then the drums switch up. Rick changes his playing shortly after to something that sounds a ton like "Atlas Dogs" in a cool way and the lights even change to something a bit more nightmare chic to reflect the jam's dark turn.

This second build really feels like it's driven by Trevor, and I'm here (there?) for it. The camera's focus on Jeff tearing it up also brings into focus what the percussion contributes to the energy. Rick, of course, comes in at the end to cast out all demons and nearly destroy the FOH camera setup.

The video fades out at the end as the jam wraps up, though in "real life" this was a transition into a great version of "Indian River."

If you've read all the way to the end of this, God help you. I didn't mean to write this much, but writing about music is a) fun and b) a way to procrastinate doing the writing I'm actually supposed to be doing. So, thanks for enabling me!

I'm not sure what I'm going to cover next, but I'd love to rewatch/revisit some of the other '22 shows I attended, especially the Dillon shows and NYE in Cincinnati, so...maybe that's next?

[moreonthisanon]

06/25/2023

I wanna change the subject for this week.

Because, like i said before, i don't want to talk about the same thing every entry and bore myself and everyone reading. So, instead of that, i figured I'd finally write something down about the friends I'd lost years ago, because of reasons i know and that are too long and exhausting to explain for the public.

So sorry for not giving you any context, regardless, im sure a lot of people can relate to this in some way.

If memory serves, it's been about 5 years since i had the big fall out with my 2 friends. At the time i thought they were my friends, but i guess they had other ideas.

With this entry, i wanted to really reminisce about what it was that happened, why it happened, and what it has done to me in the present, all that good stuff.

Which is the exact reason i made this account to analyze my trauma and maybe get something from it. Really think about the events that have played out in my life and see what i could learn from them or how they effected me and how i think now. I definitely have less drive to talk to people or open up enough to make friends again that's for sure, so that's a thing.

Getting back on track, i wanted to really ruminate on what they said afterwards and how it effected me and how i feel about it/them now.

To give you a jist of context, so you can attempt to understand the basis of what happened:

× Prior to the end of it all, there was already a gradual conflict going on between us everytime we interacted. So the blow up was bound to happen. It was just a matter of when.

× My husband and I were already on edge all the time because that was just the beginning of the stress that continued for the next 6 years to now. So it didn't help when they'd complain about not being able to hang out because we were busy with work blah blah blah.

× As well as underlying speculation from my end about them because of what i heard from my husband of what they told him about me, so of course he told me.

× So when the big scene came: I said something , not trying to be rude or mean in any way, about my friends baby she had. Neither of them liked it. They attacked and cornered me (on Facebook). That's when i cut it off. I said I'm done, I'm taking a break from us. From you. From this. We've been nothing but at each other's throats about misunderstandings for a year, I'm tired of it. I was already dealing with a lot at the time. It was too much. So i dropped it and literally unfriended them and left all of our group chats. They considered it dramatic, anytime they said anything, we blew it up and made them to be the enemy. Good stuff, you know.

× As of now, i refriended them, but i have not talked to them. Occasionally i congratulate them or say happy birthday, but that's it. One of them tried to talk to me recently, cautiously, but it didn't go too far.

Before i refriended them, i don't know how long after the blow up, if it was the day of or after, i don't know. They both sent me a paragraph basically saying:

'A lot of things were said that shouldn't have been said, we're all stressed, it's okay if you don't wanna be friends anymore, even tho i don't wanna lose my friend of 10+ years, I'll be hear if you ever wanna talk again.'

So basically, they understood that it was over the top, cool. But i haven't responded to either of them.

Which brings me to the part where i look back on what happened and think about the 'What now?'

Now at this very moment in time, I've already decided that we will never be friends again. At least not what we were. And even then, i can't bring myself to think how different it could possibly be if we tried. Another fight would surely happen again, right?

So, it's already been decided, we can never be friends again.

But the thing that's gets me every time i think back about it and their last paragraph sign offs.

At the end of it all, neither of them ever actually apologized to me.... That's what really sticks out to me. So I'm thinking, that's why i can't forgive them, among other things of course. That's the one thing holding me back and stopping me from getting over it 5 years later...right?

At the time I'm sure they still thought they were in the right. So they thought nothing of it, they just wanted me to stop being dramatic and come back to them, probably. I won't speak for them. I wouldn't know. But there was no 'I'm sorry' or 'I was wrong' in their paragraphs anywhere.

Maybe to them, 'A lot of things were said that shouldn't have been said...' was their apology, but it wasn't enough for me without the actual words. And it still isn't.

- MoreOnThisAnon

[hotdrinkaddict]

okay okay okay i havent even finished disco elysium yet, i've found the killer etc etc but i havent hit the credits yet blah blah

that's to say i dont know what happens when you have a bad relationship with Kim

BUT I SHALL WONDER NONETHELESS with one of those "read more" bars since i've already clogged up some dashboards enough

okay okay so

there would be points throughout the game where it becomes really obvious that This Isnt Realtiy and you would have the option to acknowledge or ignore it

If you keep searching for the cat and ignore the weird stuff eventually you find the cat at which point the dream breaks down and you wake up

now again i havent played or seen a 'Kim doesnt trust you' run so i don't know what happens in it like where he dies or just gets injured or whatever and so forth

so after quick "BITCH YOU WERE DREAMING THE WHOLE TIME WAKE THE FUCK UP" from the mind peeps Harry wakes up with whatever injuries he sustained from the shoot out

he gets up to go find kitsuragi and after some asking around and getting weird/vague answers you go to Kim's police car and call the precinct to find out he died in the shoot out and you have to finish the investigation on your own. harry hangs up and falls to ground sobbing. the game ends.

BUT acknowledging the weirdness and unreality will lead to one of the mind peeps to break through like

PERCEPTION: "the smell of rubbing alcohol and detergent. the numb feeling of your [limb] as pain killers course through your body. you wear clean clothes and rest in clean sheets"

HALF LIGHT: "height: 180 cm. weight: 100 kg. greasy brown hair and a mustache that crosses your face ear to ear."

AUTHORITY: you are Harrier Du Bois. a man of 44 years, born in '07 you are an officer on the job investigating a murder"

ESPRIT DE CORPS: "forceps and tweezers. metal punctures skin and metal must penetrate it again to remove the debris."

ELECTROCHEMISTY: "you were shot in your [limb]."

PAIN THRESHOLD: "the pain doesnt matter. you have to stand up and find him"

EMPATHY: "Kim Kitsuragi. the officer paired with you on this investigation. a polite and orderly detective from another precinct here with you to aid the murder investigation."

VOLITION: "an investigation you've yet to finish"

INSULIDIAN PHASMID: "Wake Up." (Dolores/Dora would also do wonders here for 'harry moves on from past love' theming)

in this instance you didnt find the cat in the dream and upon waking up it's still listed in your to-do list. you wake up, walk around, and ask everyone where to find your cat

everyone is confused but like it's Harry Du Bois so they all point you in the direction of Kim/that man in the orange coat and Harry respond like: "yes my cat is ginger. he's pretty and nice and smokes one ☝️ cigarette a day"

LOGIC: "cats dont smoke cigarettes"

YOU: well, MY cat DOES because he's COOL

and when you do find kim his model is the cat's model until you get close enough yo interact with him and like Wow Wait that Kim Kitsuragi and Harry gets to have a nice little break down and a "bro i love you so much moment"

The detective stands on the boardwalk arms rested over the railing. between his fingers is a lit cigarette, half its length already burned away.

EMPATHY: he's been here a while. worrying.

The sudden sound of familiar footsteps on the boardwalk jolts him out of his stupor. ash falls from his cigarette as he whips around to meet your eyes

KIM KITSURAGI: "Officer, you're awake." he pauses. "The doctors said you wouldnt be awake for at least two more days"

INLAND EMPIRE: He sits by your bedside waiting for you to wake up. He's worried you wont.

ESPRIT DE CORPS: the anxiety and rumination is too much to withstand. an ocean breeze and cigarette to clear and head and burn away worries. to escape the possibility of losing a man you've grown to care for over the course of only a few days.

EMPATHY: the horror of coming to care for such a broken stranger so quickly. he wanted to be by your side when you woke up.

> Well they were wrong, I'm awake

> I thought you died

>> You were a cat. In a dream I had.

> Oh Pissfaggot my sweet kitty I've missed you so much (you get to name the cat)

KIM KITSURAGI: "ah, while in your coma? well dreams can be quite strange sometimes." He faces to you now. Limbs tense and immobile, unsure what to do.

ELECTROCHEMISTY: The anxious moment before lovers lock lips, eyeing each other to see if they'll say they want it with their words or body language.

YOU: "I couldnt find you. I asked all around town and no one knew where you were. Even the Insulidian Phasmid didnt know."

KIM KITSURAGI: "Oh, a stressful dream?"

> yes, i was so worried

> nah, you werent a good cat

>> a dreadful dream

> Yeah!!! Pissfaggot, I cant believe you forgot your lighter!! It was friday you always smoke under the bridge by moonlight on fridays. I was worried sick looking for you to give you back your lighter!!!!

KIM KITSURAGI: "well, I'm here right now." He lowers his cigarette, a comforting smile plastered on his worried face. He raises his foot to put it out on the sole of his shoe.

DRAMA: The falling action. Resolution. The cigarette was lit to replace you, to fill in the void your comatose state left him in. You are no longer asleep. He no longer needs the cigarette.

>> Hug him /HAND EYE COORDINATION (Medium)

> Kiss him /SUGGESTION (Heroic)

> Hit him /PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT (Impossible)

> "That's good." (Proceed)

(dice roll) 🎲🎲 SUCCESS

You jog up to him and crash your body into his. His arms wrap around you as he braces against the impact preventing you from toppling him over on this rickety boardwalk.

PERCEPTION: the smell of his after shave penetrates your nostrils. it smells nice. he's very nice.

ELECTROCHEMISTY: that's not the only thing I'd let him penetrate if you know what I mean

LOGIC: We are in no condition to have sex.

ELECTROCHEMISTY: the pain would make it better.

COMPOSURE: oh my GOD, shut the FUCK UP i have a CHECK COMING UP

His warmth blankets you. You barely notice the cold winter air biting into your flesh. This is your partner. The man you braved certain death with. The man you're solving this investigation with. The man you trust. A man that trusts you.

> Don't Cry. /COMPOSURE (Impossible)

>Bawl your fucking eyes out on his shoulder. (Proceed)

and that's enough disco elysium fanfiction from me today wahoo. so ye those are ideas for a fictional game that does not exist that i should probably learn to make maybe

also if he failed the hand eye coordination since it's the boardwalk he would've fallen through the old wood

so like i know little witch disco elysium misses the point of disco elysium but imagine a fan game where you're the little witch looking for her cat but every so often you get og disco elysium dialogue

like you interact with a bush or something and suddenly electrochemistry is talking about the smell of a rotting corpse? weird. or the hotel owner being very polite and helpful with finding your cat but randomly he's really pissed about a room you stayed in (you didnt) and he calls you officer (you're not) Cuno is there completely unchanged

and then Empathy or someone breaks through and it's revealed you were actually Harrier DuBois just dissociating and/or high off of something and he's created a complex mind prison where he's not cop investigating a murder

the game switches from whatever cutesy graphic it would naturally have to og disco elysium graphics but you still have the task of finding the cat which you assume is the murderer yada yada but then you have trouble meeting up with Kim it's a bit of a hunt asking around

and THEN it's revealed the cat is actually Kim and Harry was searching for his anchor and friend in this investigation and since it's a fan game it's gay too and the game ends there

also the Insulidian Phasmid is there the whole time and cryptically tell you to Get Out Of the Mind Prison and also ships kimharry because giant bug shipping middle aged men is funny

[elodieunderglass]

Firstly, I wanted to say thank you for finally making Moby Dick comprehensible to me over a decade after I attempted to read it and bounced aggressively off it! But the thing I actually wanted to ask and boggle about is, you get a full year of maternity leave??? I think literally the company with the most mind-bogglingly generous policy I ever worked for (I'm in the US) only gave 7 months, and the place I'm at now only gives I think 3 or so.

You're very welcome! It's very exciting to me that a line by line translation of Moby Dick can make it so much more accessible.

On your second point - yeah! I'm always happy to talk about parental leave policies etc and how different countries handle them, not in a smug "Well, in the UK..." way but in a, "here's very concrete examples of how policies can work, and the material impact they have on people" sort of way, because that's genuinely something that needs to be communicated. Just like with the environmental crises, we are all limited by our ability to imagine the Healed World and what we need to do to get there. So what are some policies that are a bit more Healed-World-ish than the reality that many people live in, and how do they actually work? You are welcome to send me asks! Rumination below the cut.

I wouldn't have had kids if I'd stayed in the USA. I've chosen to have 3 in the UK. This is directly because of maternity leave, free childcare hours for toddlers, quality of childcare, accessibility of school/daycare, flexible working policies, generous holiday leave, and other factors like that. Does that seem weird to say? Should I have moped about in floods of divine baby-desire and universal mother-yearnings and stuff, and sacrificed everything to have squidgy babies? IDK, I've never felt any of those things: I love the children a lot as people and I'm obviously terrifically glad they're here, but I wouldn't have had any desire to have them in the first place if I hadn't been sure they'd have decent childhoods. And a childhood where a parent resents them because that parent had UNFULFILLED INTELLECTUAL GOALS, or where there's always stress because of MATERIAL DIFFICULTIES, wouldn't be decent. My desire to acquire the children has been very much based in the knowledge that I can afford them (financially, emotionally, socially, career-wise, mentally) without sacrificing or martyring myself. So, literally: even though I have 2 life-defining children and one more on the way, even though I'm considered in my immediate social circles to be a real earth-mother crunchy-type, even though I work part-time to spend time with the kids and so on: if I didn't live THIS life, I wouldn't want the children. So I think it’s interesting to see how a simple piece of policy, a difference between nations, so totally impacts and directs the course of an individual’s life.

RE: the actual practicalities, it breaks down a funny way. In the UK, they hold your job for you for up to a year, usually hiring a temporary maternity cover: if they can't give you the same job back, they have to give you a similar one. If you return in 6 months it’s like you didn’t leave at all and get the exact job back. Maternity leave is usually taken for about 9 months, with paternity leave often adding an additional 3 months, and children usually entering childcare at the age of 1.

The actual way that this gets calculated is pretty complicated. My job offers 6 months on full pay, which is a "benefit" - otherwise the default is only 6 weeks on full pay. After the full pay runs out, you're on SMP - Statutory Maternity Pay - which is £156.66 per week. SMP runs out at nine months. If you want more time than that, your job gets held for a full year, but you'll be on 3 months unpaid. -> HOWEVER, you've been accruing annual leave the whole time you've been off, so when the baby is 9 months old, you might expect to have about 6 weeks of holiday that built up. Holiday is taken at full pay rates. So depending on how much holiday you have, you just return to work while on vacation and get paid again.

If you return to work at 6 months, which is sort of the minimum normal time to take off, you get your exact same job back. If you take longer than 6 months, you get that "offer of an equivalent job" but no promise of having your job back - which can worry people. So sometimes people happily choose to take only 6 months off, because they want their exact same projects back.

So what will happen with me is

6 months off on full pay, Dr Glass takes about 1 month off on full pay parental leave at the beginning to provide support

(Child2 enters age where they get 30 hours/week free childcare, daycare bills drop to basically just Child1's afterschool programs from here until last bullet point. As Dr Glass and I both work part time, this means that each day of the week will have a mix of different children, activities and work. We will hopefully be able to bank a little bit of childcare-budget to coast on for the next bits.)

3 months off where I'll only make £624 a month SMP: it’s not nothing and so should be grateful, except for the relentlessness of life. I also get £150/month from the government for having two children - nothing for the third because that would be encouraging families to rely on benefits and have children for money, or something, naturally. Dr Glass will be working, but no family can really lose almost half a wage and be cheerful about it, so we'll have to coast on savings banked from the room freed up in the childcare budget. (we thought it would just about work before the cost-of-living crisis, when we filed our plan paperwork, and gotta say, it’s looking pretty scary now.) we’ll prioritise the mortgage and utilities in cash, and should be able to coast it.

2-ish months off but "on holiday," i.e. back on full pay

Dr Glass overlaps one month off on full pay (holiday + shared parental leave) plus two months totally unpaid, i.e. Unpaid Leave, i.e. Dr Glass keeps his job and simply takes two months off, making £0 a month. Again, this will be hard to get through, but as we know it's coming, we have time to make SOME savings to live on. This allows Dr Glass to have time with his last child, which is a priority for us over debt, and gets the baby comfortably to the age that our nursery accepts.

Both parents return to work. Baby will enter daycare aged 1 (Child2 remains on free hours, daycare bills go back up to mortgage-level payments, finances return to exactly where they were before Baby3.) hopefully we’ll be able to quickly pay down any debts incurred with two full wages.

You can see it's doable, but there are some scary flippin' periods and a tremendous amount of footwork. We've somehow managed during harder times; with Child1 I was the sole breadwinner for the household and was at a job where I only got SMP, so I went back to work at 6 months and Dr Glass was a SAHP for a long time; with Child2 it was pandemic and lockdown etc, and no childcare was available, so we all ricocheted around the house together for a year. So clearly something absolutely bonkers is going to happen in 2023, but if it doesn't, we might actually have one (1) normal baby-leave.

As you can see, it's NOT the Healed World, but it has aspects that you'll want to include in the Healed World. You can see the impacts on things like family design - the kids all being 3 years apart for affordability, as that's when the free childcare hours kick in - and the way that fathers are still sort of wedging themselves in. You can see how it gets cobbled together and stressful, and the bits where you have to coast over patches that could just as easily destroy a family (watch this space! We might go completely fucking broke! We’re about £200 away from it at all times as it it!) You can see that there are some privileges (having a partner, partner having a job) that materially affect the experience people have. You can see how sometimes people can take a year and others return to work at 6 months (I've done both! Both can be great and both can suck, but it's MUCH better when you choose it for yourself, rather than being forced financially.) you can see that some cruel and stupid policy decisions are meant to punish poor people in the UK for having children despite the lack of internal logic (no child benefit for over 2 kids, when child benefit is meant to help you raise citizens.) You can see places where a conservative politician could shit on one vulnerable place (like the UK’s free childcare hours for three year olds! Liz Truss was thinking about killing it!) and entirely destroy my family at a stroke. You can see that for all my stance of “I am not a martyr” for my children, I’m expecting to have spent several years of my life flippantly being marginally-waged for the sake of having them: but also, you can see the difference between the support the UK gives my stance, and the support a 20-year-old military wife in the American heartland gets with her first baby: you can see how eased the paths of my children are, how isolated hers will be. You can step back from the worldwide generational immolation of mothers, their narratives of sacrifice and drudgery, and unpack how much of that is truly necessary, and how much damage could have been resolved by simply rinsing off the TERF shit, offering a few scraps of healthcare, and giving them a few fucking months off work.

We are all worldbuilding the Healed World: it makes sense to understand the different ways it could work. I’ll longpost about any policy you guys would like until then.

[boyswanna-be-her]

what are the things you look for / notice in your favourite horror films?

I've been ruminating on this for ten days and I'm still no closer to having perfect answers, so here goes nothing.

The fastest surefire way to make me ADORE a horror movie is to actually freak me out. Now, that bar has clearly risen over the years. When I saw "Blair Witch Project" and "The Ring," they both scared the living daylights out of me and REALLY got under my skin, but with all the horror I've watched since, I doubt I'd have the same response.

At the same time, even if I were exposed to those two today, I would love them without them scaring me, and I think that's what I want to dig more into.

I love Blair Witch because the actors are goofy and fun and feel so real (which, I mean, it's mostly improvised so) as people. I love it because it has a cohesive style, because it has moments of genuine interaction, because it riffs on the ancient fears that we all have when we're out in nature after dark, alone.

I love The Ring because the script is immaculate--spare and sparse and often just as bleak as the color palette used in the film. I love the visuals and how you can feel the cold and damp in your bones. The effects are gross and good. The actors are rigid, almost the opposite of Blair Witch Project in that they are so scripted that they feel much more like Movie Characters than Mike The Sound Guy I Met In Class.

And despite the fact that they're very different, I think the places where they intersect really show what I look for and notice in my favorite horror films--your original question. I notice whatever the film has going for it, truly. I am a kind, forgiving horror viewer if your movie has really ANY sort of point of view--be that a cohesive visual language, characters that are compelling on several levels, or be it a general theme/subgenre that the movie leans into, like mean and nasty brutality just for the sake of it or balls-to-the-wall gore.

If I don't know anything about a movie, but I'm thinking about streaming it, I fast forward to 25 minutes in. By 25 minutes, I need the movie to have established SOMETHING, and it's a pretty quick read. If I click forward and the acting is garbo or the production is way too ugly to look at or the character interactions have no tension... I'm not wasting my time.

And although there are some tropes I like more than others, I'll give anything a try because there are endless ways to do horror that's appealing to me. It's how I can love stuff that's SO unreal like "Mandy" or "Rosemary's Baby" as well as the mumblecore stuff like "Creep" and "Dashcam" and the mean shit like "Climax" and "Titane" and "Martyrs" and even the goofy stuff like "Psycho Goreman" and "Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things." Why I can watch "Nope" a dozen times because it's a masterpiece, and also "Spree" a dozen times because it's so, so gleefully stupid.

I think a mistake I made for a long time was searching for stuff to scare me because eventually it's just... not happening. You can't keep chasing that dragon because you'll just stop being scared by movies and you won't enjoy anything. Lean into bad movies, explore things that you don't think will scare you (not that you asked for my advice). It's amazing the things that you don't think will get to you that actually DO end up fucking you up so exquisitely.

PS The only movie to truly scare the hell out of me recently was "The Sadness" and not even because of the concept or the gore but THE CRAZY CRAZY STUFF THE PEOPLE SAID TO EACH OTHER. Holy shit it got to me. Just relentlessly the most freaky shit someone could come up with and they're screaming it at you!!!!

[unhinged-summer-fun]

Danktober Week 2 Roundup

Day 08: scene 02. [joel miller x f!reader] waxplay / match / national motorcycle ride day

Day 09: foreplay (long time) [marcus moreno x f!reader] praise kink / nest / international beer and pizza day

Day 10: in sickness and health [frankie morales x f!reader] pregnancy / crabby / world mental health day

Day 11: hiccup [agent whiskey x f!reader] sensory deprivation / bluff / national face your fears day

Day 12: scene 03. [joel miller x f!reader] humiliation / forget / national farmers day

Day 13: masquerade [marcus pike x gn!reader] public + scent / kind / world sight day

Day 14: waiting for the sun [din djarin x f!reader] role reversal / empty / national i love you day

[link to week 1 roundup]

[full danktober list here]

End of week recap under the cut!

Nearly halfway through the month already?! Compared to last year's Flunktober, I found myself more inspired and comfortable with starting (and stopping!) these prompts as I pleased. Some of them don't quite come across that way in the context of the work (seven thousand words of Marcus Moreno later) but after 35k later (SHEESH) I am basking in that light of inspiration like never before. I have no pressure or expectation of myself to make every fic a series, or every series complete.

It makes me wonder if the fervor I experienced is in any way going to carry on through November and beyond.

How in the fucking christ did I post 25k in just one week yall. HOW. Literally the posted word count for both weeks is 34.9k right now. The sum of all 31 days right now is over 65k and is only looking like it's gonna grow even more.

What went well? The week as a whole went exceptionally smooth, as I'd had all seven of these in first-draft before October 1st was even close to getting here. I've started getting a pattern down to posting the morning of. I uploaded the fics into the queue and waited for the time to come for them to be posted, and with that ready to go I was able to backtrack and re-distribute links across my masterlist. The first week was definitely way more difficult, but I found my stride!

What didn't go well? Farmer Joel Day 08 didn't do nearly as well as I thought it would. Compared to the snip I posted on Day 02, this one just shat the bed in terms of attention/sharing. While I don't do this kinda stuff for numerical validation, I do get fairly discouraged when all I see are a few likes and no feedback. There were a few points this week where I wondered glumly if anyone would fucking care if I stopped posting for the challenge.

What surprised you? Honestly, how affected I would be by the downtick in engagement. I credit that a lot with my therapy homework though, honestly - I've been ruminating on a negative core belief of mine from my childhood that I don't need or deserve praise or positive attention. I need to do some work to distance my codependency on notes/feedback, because it had me questioning whether I even continued.

What didn't surprise you? The same goddamn thing happened three separate times where I went to edit down a work and ended up lengthening it by several score greater than I started. On one hand, it proves that setting something down for a while and picking it back up is a great way to reintroduce yourself to your creativity without the pressure of finishing something.

Which work did you like writing the most? Farmer Joel on Day 08. It was the first thing I ever wrote for Joel, and while it's atmospheric as all hell, I truly love the cohesion of the story - even if it lacks a ton of context divulged later on!

What are you excited for about next week? Primal Play with Joel Miller and the fun crossover of two of my AUs: Mesh Network and Puppy Marcus. The reader in that coming Puppy Marcus next week will be an F!Reader instead of the typical GN!Reader that's with Marcus, but the Reader in this instance is the one in Mesh Network.

Thanks for reading! if you want to be notified when these roundups come up, go to the danktober masterlist and read the taglist information at the bottom. <3 besitos

[rixxy8173571m3w1p3]

The Truths Found On Petram Viridios IV (3/?)

A/n: this is a long chapter. Hope you guys like it. In this chapter I referenced @hoodoo12 fic Inked

Read Part 1, Part 2

________

Chapter 3: Do You?

"Are you having a good time?" he wondered as you were picking at your meal, and drawing faces in it.

"It's been pleasant enough." you admitted; shifting in your seat to sit up properly. "You've certainly made it easy on me."

You appreciated how the time passed so easily with the chemist's want and eagerness for conversation. He was well-spoken, and nothing lacked but whether it was you or your wandering mind, you had the feeling of wanting to go home; to relax on Rick's couch and watch a silly movie, but the night would go on. Intrigued by your earlier statement, V'gha studied you for a moment, not so unlike the way Zeta-7 would. Flexing his thick fingers, and smirking as though he had found the secrets of the universe and not intending on sharing it, he rested his chin on his now clasped hands."Would you care to elaborate?"

"Sure. I believe it's because, despite our differences, you're not so bad. I was worried that you were going to be overly serious, but it's been fun chatting with you."

"Well," he started, "I hope you won't be offended by me saying this, but I thought you were going to be more Neanderthal."

"You know," you giggled. "I get that a lot."

It never occurred to you to expect anything to really happen right now, but through half-lidded eyes, there were flecks of melancholy along with another emotion you couldn't quite detect. It passed quickly as light amusement colored his voice. "Is self-deprecating humor common among your kind? It doesn't matter. You nonetheless contain an intellect that I can only describe as affable. Are all humans this way?"

"I don't know, I can't speak for my kind, but I can speak for myself. I think in my case," You considered with seriousness, trying to refrain from sharing too many details. "it's what happens when you live as I do; close to a mad genius who enjoys his work as much as his garden. No really," you paused, playing around with your cloth napkin. "it's nothing special. I wish I could give you a highly detailed explanation, but I don't consider myself much of an intellectual. I do learn something new everyday. I think that counts for something."

Nodding in agreement, he made an attempt to consume his meal of fried klema paste, but could only manage a small bite as he too gave up on trying to believe it was halfway edible. "If I would've been in my lab, I could've shown you a recipe for a formula that attracts insectoids large enough to feed a family for a month. Even the bitter, old, beetletoids would taste better than what we've been served tonight."

You had a feeling that the meals were chosen by a machine that couldn't determine what would be better; pleasing the taste buds or feeding the vitamin deficiencies; it seemed to be the latter.

"I'm sad to tell you that I don't eat insects or insectoids. Though," you smiled. "I appreciate the sentiment. Where I'm from, you either love them or despise them. There isn't much of an in-between. For my part, I admire them. Like, there's these cute little guy's called roly-polys. They kind of look like little pills and they hang out in dead leaves and stuff. Oh, and don't even get me started on iridescent insects. They're just so beautiful, like living jewels. Too bad I don't have an eloquent explanation to give you."

"Do you mean to say that insectoids or insects as you refer to them, are minuscule creatures where you're from? How fascinating. And stranger still," he gestured at your outfit. "I was just thinking that you appear somewhat iridescent yourself."

He must've been referring to the sequins on your dress which were mildly reflective and multichromatic. "That was the point," you joked readily. "to look as though I could fly away at any moment. At least that's the story I'm sticking with, but don't tell anyone I left my private jet at home."

"Well, it does suit you. Has anyone told you that?"

If he meant either your dress, attitude, or both, then Rick had but you weren't going to tell him that. "No, but thank you."

"Really," he insisted. "I mean it. I…..I can't help but feel as though I know you." Leaning slightly forward, though not so much that it would violate the law, and squinting, he wondered. "Are you sure we haven't met before?"

The multiverse thing was another classified subject on the infinite list of what you weren't allowed to talk about. For all you knew, he might've met another version of yourself or met you in passing in your travels with Rick. "No, we haven't. Maybe I remind you of someone."

Realization struck him, and he dug around in his pockets and pulled out a blank white card. Laying it out on the table, he pressed the corner of it, and it produced a hologram; it was a Salamandrian with vibrant coloring and stripes that made you wonder if they glowed in the dark. "That's why I've been perplexed. You remind me of her; an old colleague of mine."

"She's beautiful."

"Yes, I thought so too. We used to work in the same lab together and were close to a breakthrough which could've assisted with premature aging which my species are prone to, but it wasn't meant to be. We ran out of funding and while working on another project, she collapsed. Before I knew it, she succumbed to rapid aging. Cha'thxa was amiable like yourself and loved to joke around. I believe that's why we were good friends."

"It's always the good ones. I'm sorry."

Replacing the card back into his pocket, he sobered. "It's alright. That was half a lifetime ago, but it's odd how events can trigger these recollections. Thank you."

"For what?"

"For these interactions of ours. It made me feel youthful."

What? Now that couldn't be right. If it hadn't been such an odd thing for him to say, you wouldn't have given a second thought to how he had spoken and carried himself. Really, you thought he was younger than yourself. "How old are you exactly? You don't look mature."

Taking a long sip of his beverage, he admitted with amusement. "Let's just say that the equivalent in human years is roughly 64.322 years old."

"What? No way. I wouldn't have ever guessed, but it shows what I know."

Though you weren't an expert on reptiles either, so how could you have known?

"Would it have really mattered? The only difference it would have made was perhaps in the way you would've treated me. I don't enjoy being treated as though I'm feeble-minded and will collapse at any moment."

"I promise, I wouldn't have."

"If only it were that simple. I've done the same, except I did the opposite and discriminated against someone far younger than I was and believed them foolish, but now that I've seen more of the world, and have familiarized myself with the universe through my travels and mostly through my studies, I realize how wrong I was. These days, I intend to live out the rest of my life to the fullest and to not be ashamed of it. And keeping in mind with that," he paused, ruminating on what he was about to ask. He continued. "I hope this isn't presumptuous of me to ask, but I'd love to invite you to my home planet." And with that winning, sharp-toothed smile, he explained. "Warm bodies are now allowed to visit and I would love to show you my dwelling. I believe you'd enjoy the view of the river. You seem to be the type that would never tire of good company."

It was a shame that he was such a fascinating creature, for you two might've been able to be good friends in a different life. "I do enjoy good company and most likely I would love the river, but under my current circumstances, I'm sorry to say it probably wouldn't be a good idea."

Calmly, he wondered. "Is it because of that human we saw a few hours ago is your mate?"

"Yes," you answered without hesitation. "I would consider him so."

"Forgive me then, for I didn't know, but I should have come to that conclusion." he remarked sheepishly. "You reek of him and your hormones changed every time I asked you about him."

"Look," you sighed, feeling a little embarrassed at the series of events which led up to this. "it's alright. I think it's the guidelines of this event that prevent us from being in each other's presence, but even if it's a crime, I wish he was here. I'm sorry if I acted out of place otherwise."

Giving you a wink, V'gha rose and gently took your hand; not only was it against the law, but against his character. You were going to pull away, but he said in Rick's voice. "Terminate simulation."

______

You removed the headset you had forgotten you were wearing. "Oh no, did I mess up again? Would I have died of food poisoning? Dysentery? I swear this is harder than the Oregon Trail."

"N-no, you did alright." he said at first, thoughtfully tapping at charts across his multiple screens set up. "Every time you were presented with a-a challenge, you followed the protocols and procedures just as you were instructed, but it's when you depart the ship which has my calculations going all over th-the place. Gosh, I now realize that it - it doesn't matter which of the guests are assigned as your companion. There is a 33.682% chance that they'd take a romantic interest in you, while there's only a 7% chance of you taking interest in them."

"Ricky, what in the world are you talking about?" You were sure that all of it was simply meant to be a learning experience and that none of it was real. However, considering it was meant to be a realistic simulation, the possibility of romance was there, despite how minimal the chances were. "I thought the reason we were going through the simulation was so that I wouldn't jeopardize the mission. Am I to understand that you don't want me to go because you discovered there's a small chance that a guest or two might fall for me?"

He scratched the back of his neck, wary to meet your questioning gaze. "Gee, I wouldn't have phrased it th-that way. I just....I-I don't like it."

"Oh my goodness," you couldn't help but exclaim. "Rick, are you jealous?"

It was always surprising when he was for it happened so rarely, and when it did you were more flattered then concerned. You continued. "I thought these scenarios always end the same way. You know I only want to be with you, even at the risk of my life. Why these aliens would take an interest in me, I'll never know, but it's cool that the people I'm assigned to are fascinating characters. Doesn't it prove that I'm ready for this mission? I kept the sharing of valuable information to a minimum, and I got along with mostly everyone."

"Gee, I don't know. Y-you're almost ready. However," he pointed at his computer screen. "there are anomalies in some of the earlier models which are concerning. In scenario 3, 7, and 15, the chances of my extermination were 18.475% because I-I allowed myself to get distracted from the mission. In scenarios 17, 19, and 25, there's such a minuscule change that we can forget them altogether. Yet, in the last five scenarios, especially this last simulation, it jumped to 42% and I ended it before things w-would've gone sour. Golly, studying the patterns between them all taught me that you're attractive t-t-to multiple species."

"What can I say, must be my animal magnetism." you teased as you wiggled your eyes brows.

Thoroughly worried, he sighed. "It appears so."

"Come on Ricky," you softened. "I'm only kidding. Listen, why don't you disguise yourself as V'gha, while one of your robot clones handles the mission? Out of all of them, V'gha was one of the nicest. We can knock him out temporarily."

"That could work, but that's highly risky."

"How so?"

"Because staying alive means I-I can't do this."

Wrapping an arm about your waist, the beginnings of a smile were taking place. "For this, I'd get my arms chopped off. It's due t-to the fact that centuries ago a war broke out from a single incident that occurred b-between two rivals who fought for the love of a Milleannos grounds protector whose sole purpose was to guard and tend to the bud that would never bloom in their lifetime. So, this kind of behavior between us is a big no-no. At least as non-royals of Petram Viridios IV." And pressing a kiss to your temple, he chuckled. "I don't know what'd happen to me if I did that, but I-I wouldn't want to find out."

"Do the inhabitants of that planet learn their traditions through tall tales?"

"I-I don't know, but it doesn't seem that far-fetched. It's um - it's possible that over time, they've needed t-to learn sets of skills in order to survive in the once harsh terrain, but seeing how they were able to preserve their culture for hundreds of thousands of years, they must be doing something right. Still, knowing all this, I-I doubt I could keep my cool and stay away from you. Apparently, the simulations tell me the same thing."

"In that case," you softened. "I might have to remove myself from this mission. After all, I don't want you to think I'm trying to woo a few strangers."

"Boy, I-I didn't mean it t-t-to sound that way."

"Of course not, but you told me the truth. And you're entitled to it in some respects. Though, while you spoke of data and calculations, you didn't ask me how I felt. Why not dear? I'm not ashamed to tell you."

Yet, he seemed ashamed to ask. "Did - did you feel anything?"

Smoothing out the lines about his mouth and eyes with your fingers, you confessed. "I felt flattered by their attention, and their company wasn't that bad. I felt……well, like a person in society, who meets and meets dozens of people, and only really takes interest when the conversation is somewhat comfortable and familiar, but I wanted you there to enjoy it too. " Pointing towards the monitors, you continued." If you take a closer look at the data on my brain waves, changes of hormones, and heart rate, then you'll see where my mind and heart truly was. In nearly all of them, I saw parts of you. Not so much physically, but there were personality traits that were so much like your own, I almost didn't feel so lonely. Yet, I never stopped searching for you in them, and in the world around me, in silence, in smiles over knowings, and in reminiscences, hoping you would come and could be in my reach."

Resting his hand atop yours, he sighed. "Th-that explains a few things."

"Does it? I know you were watching as it played out. And don't think I didn't know what you did this time around. I know it was you on that stage, veiled, and far away. Was that also part of the simulation? It…it felt so real. Somehow our souls were closer then they'd ever been."

"I added the possibility of being asked t-to play the Tremen orb bush. When played, it does induce a trance-like state, but during that part of the simulation, I-I tried to keep you calm because y-you were in the beginning stages of a panic attack."

It must've been because of the claustrophobic feeling of being in a chamber. So you hadn't been alone. "Dear, did you hold me and keep me safe?"

"In a manner of speaking. Y-you weren't in any immediate danger, but I didn't want you to feel uncomfortable. So I - I moved my chair over, held your soft hands," he confessed shyly. "and talked to you for a little while. It must've helped for soon enough your vital signs were back to normal."

Yes, he was that sort of man; the kind who'd want to take care of you, and make sure you're alright; who'd give up a day in his garden to spend a dozen ensuring that within dreams you'd live to see another. What did you ever do to deserve him?

"I see. You know Rick, despite not bringing it up, I'm sorry that I had to pretend not to know you."

"That's okay."

He understood, way too easily did he understand. Digital planes with hundreds of foreign figures, blades of grass duplicated to fill in spaces, dreamland feelings which were wisps of real ones, he withstood them all. Slipping in and out of realities were preparations for the real tests which had and would continue to come your way. You admired his fortitude because till now he's dealt with the hardships incurred purposely and accidentally.

"Even if it was potentially part of the mission, and you knew I had to do it, it didn't feel good. How….how could I hide the fact that I have such a wonderful friend? You've been one of the dearest, closest friends that I've ever had."

Leaning down, he touched your forehead with his; releasing a breath you didn't know he had been holding. "El mayor - el mayor obstáculo para el amor es… es el temor s-secreto de no ser dignos de ser amados."

"But you are worthy." you reassured him.

"So I am." he accepted.

"Dear, in trying to protect what we have, lying was necessary. Yet, I don't want to pretend that we aren't anything. I love you too much to do that. I don't have any sign or mark of belonging to anyone, and that could've been one of the reasons there were misunderstandings. With V'gha and the others, I was only being friendly."

"I-I know."

"Even if you know, I'm still going to remind you." Resting a hand on his chest, his nervous heart seemed to dance. "Underneath my hand, lies the kind heart of an emotional, passionate genius, and I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world."

Holding you a fraction tighter, his breath ghosted your cheek. "Really?"

"Mhm."

"Can I-I tell you something?"

"Yeah?"

"Everyday with you is better than the last. If we lived on Venus," he chuckled. "our days would've been 5,832 hours long. That's th-the equivalent of 243 Earth days."

"That's a long time. Hmm," you sighed, relishing in the nearness of him; breathing in the scent which wafted off his sweater and labcoat. You thought to yourself, this is how it should always be. "I wish I could've been born sooner so you wouldn't have had to be lonely. If I could've done that much, I would've been able to repay you. Still, despite my disbelief about our relationship at times, it's one of the reasons I carry the necklace. You know, the one you had given me on that memorable day that you were…" you paused as you felt him sag into himself, pulling away from you slightly as though he were ashamed. You continued on. "on that day when those Guard Ricks came because you were needed on the citadel. I regret that I put you through so much stress that day, but I'm glad you don't resent me for it." Pulling out the necklace, you couldn't help but tear up a little. "I look at this beautiful gift every time I need to be reminded that you always believed in me, adored me, and was part of your world."

"Y-you're not part of it, you are my world."

"And you are mine. There's no way I'll ever forget you."

Though, there was a chance you could or that he could have your memories erased; there were things you weren't supposed to know, but did. There had been stranger cases before, and just in case, you had made copies of your memories. "Why, if you ever have to use that memory eraser thing on me or on yourself, I promise I'll remember for the both of us. So please," you urged, giving him a half-impatient, half-loving shake. "don't think that what we have is so easily broken, because I love you and believe in what we are together."

Neither of you spoke for a while after that, but he gave your hands a good squeeze when he came to a resolution. "What if….what if I gave you a sign?"

"I'd think of an Ace Of Base song," you lightly teased. "and then I'd wonder what you could mean."

Rubbing your back, he said above a whisper. "I mean t-t-t-to say, do you…..¿Quieres casarte?"

"What? Did you just…can you repeat that?"

"D-do you want to get married?"

Pulling away from him, you wondered. "Wait, is this real?"

He nodded. "Y-yes."

"And I'm not in a lotus-eater machine right?"

Smoothing out your hair, he confessed. "N-no, I hope not."

After spending days going through multiple simulations, it was easy to assume that everything wasn't real, and was still part of another simulation within a simulation. You pinched yourself and saw that everything was in place. It's not that you weren't happy, it was just that this was a surprise you hadn't been expecting. For his part, he studied you and found that he liked what he saw and pulled out a little box. "I had wanted the moment t-to be perfect, but I don't think that's possible. I can't…..I don't want to be without you anymore."

"I think I need to sit down for this."

Leading you over to the computer chair, you took a seat while he stood before you; antsy and ready to confess. "Mi corazón, I have wanted to do this for so long, but I - I was too afraid t-t-to ask. I think now, I finally can."

Removing his labcoat, and setting it down, he pushed up the sleeve of his sweater; displaying the tattoo he had gotten a few years ago; a single sunflower with such detail it almost looks three dimensional. If it weren’t for the curve of his arm, it would appear that he took the bloom, shrunk it down, and simply laid it on his inner forearm. "When I got this, I wanted something as beautiful as you with me, always, and - and sunflowers are your favorite. You told me they were the epitome of happiness."

You nodded. "My best memories are associated with them."

"I suppose that still holds true, so I'm going to put my faith in that. To explain, I would like to tell you a few things concerning happiness. Everyday I-I go to work, I look forward to the moment I get to see you when I return. Though, when I come home, and the house is quiet, it's easy to remember that I live alone. However, when I see that the pillows have been rearranged in a way I um - in a way I hadn't left them, or find a mug in the sink, or piles of books that hadn't been read yet, I know I'm not alone; that y-you've been here. Gosh," he sniffled, doing his best not to cry. "when I see your sleeping figure on the couch or in the hammock outside, I think to myself that I want this t-t-to be my life. T-to be our life. You're what's missing in th-the equation to my happiness. When I met you, it's like the sun finally came out and I could finally bloom. We might carry bits of - of happiness, but I-I feel incomplete without you by my side. And I think y-you feel the same."

Taking hold of your left hand, he kissed it and his voice was colored with happiness again. In earnest, he wondered. "So, my beautiful little sunflower, as far as getting married is concerned, do you - do you want to?"

Tbc

[kyzveryown]

I've been using social media way too much in these past couple of years. Prior to 2017, I hardly ever used any apps outside of Tumblr which I used to treat like a public journal. I had (well, still have) a Twitter for my music and whatnot but I was and still am never active on that. Youtube was nothing but "a giant record store/sample library" (I make music) and I'd occassionally post some of my photos (street photography) and sketches on Instagram. A lot has changed since then.

Nowadays I'm on Twitter every single damn day wasting my time scrolling and liking shit and I hate it. I perodically check Tumblr out of boredom and eagerness for notes (still waiting on that "Top 10 Anime" post to hit 1,000 notes). And now I watch people discuss and play video games on Youtube which was something I told myself I'd never do. And Instagram? I stopped logging in since I haven't taken any photos or drawn anything in over a year. I've become one of those "chronically online" people. It's not a good feeling.

One thing I noticed is I've stopped writing and venting my thoughts. I used to do that on my personal blog but I don't use it anymore. This one is my main blog now. And I'd rather not post any personal shit here because that's not what this blog is for. So, I've just been keeping everything on the dome for the better part of three years but it's taken a toll on me. You have to get stuff out every once in a while. You can't just let your thoughts sit like that. I have to start journaling or whatever again because my mind is always on 1,000%. I be praying for my mind to shut the fuck up lol.

Real shit, I want to stop using Twitter. I use it for news and liking art but that's about it. It's a huge waste of my time - time that could be spent working out shit in my life, or writing the many stories I've started, or working on the compilation of songs I've been sitting on for years now. And it isn't just Twitter either. Genshin Impact has had a chokehold on me for the last year and a half to the point I don't play anything else and waste hella time constantly ruminating over it. Thankfully, I'm starting to step away from the game. It's not good for my mental.

I'm not as creative as I used to be and that shit bothers the fuck out of me. I haven't gotten proper sleep in six years either.

Truth be told I'm burnt out...

...and I'm tired.

I just wanna go home [back to New York]. *sigh, I just wanna go home, bruh. It might sound like some depressing shit but I feel like that's where my heart is. But I am where I am so...it is what it is. Just gotta roll with it. I don't wanna get much deeper than this because again, that's not what this blog is for. But I felt like I had to write something for once, you know, just get some shit off or whatever. But that's that.

I'm out.