#this is the basic bitch section of the niche part

[non-plutonian-druid]

babies!

i hope none of you thought i *wouldnt* be making centaur delores. As usual, her level of realness is ambiguous but it's a silly au so the answer can be "very" if that's what floats your boat. Also, note that she's taller than five is. that's what we in the business call "foreshadowing"

[ID: Two drawings of baby apocalypse five and real person! delores as centaurs. In the first, they are both standing looking at each other. Five is looking skeptical; almost, for example, as if he ran into another person in an empty wasteland where he was expecting everyone to be dead. Delores is smiling mischievously, because she knows she's about to make a friend. In the second image, Delores is rolling around on the ground with her horse legs going everywhere. Since her horse half is a foal, this is a lot of legs to be going everywhere. Five has his hands on his hips as he looks down at her. In both, Five is wearing an apocalypse survival outfit, while Delores is wearing a cute top. End ID.]

[potatotrash0]

Hey idk if youve done this alreadh but im curious about your body headcanons for the sdr2 cast!! An anon sent some in for characters previously (the one where they said things like angie has vitiligo and stuff-i love them and they really stuck with me haha) and i wanna know your headcanons!! :D

Hmhmm this one I might be listing off the spot lmao. I feel like my hcs are mostly just. Common hcs but hey I never said I wasn’t basic skdjksjdks

cw for. Everyone. Yeah kdjfksjdks

Hajime…..I like to think he’s slightly buff? Maybe that’s not the right word. Toned? Idk, I hc that he jumps around hobbies a lot because he wants to find something he’s good at, so that includes sports. I like the idea that a few stick with him, like swimming and basketball. I imagine he also has light scrapes and scars on his legs from falling, both with skateboarding and general Clumsy Shit.

Also this one switches a lot but with Trans Hajime, I can see him with top surgery scars.

Oh ah, I like freckled Hajime!! It’s cute. This one goes with the sports hc, but I like the idea that he’s kinda tanned. Entirely unrelated but I also like the idea that he has calluses from playing guitar.

Chiakiii!! She’s soft bc I said so. Specifically her thighs, arms and stomach + some stretch marks. And moles all over. Projecting big time onto a cute fictional girl, call that self care <333 /j

uhh other than that, I imagine she has bags under her eyes from staying up late gaming. Also tan Chiaki my love. Shh I know she probably doesn’t go outside for days on end. In my defense I tan easily and I imagine she does too. Again with the projection. Shhhh

Oh oh!!!! I forgot to mention but!!!! Chiaki gets a ton of moles. I saw the boob mole and went !!!!!! fellow mole haver!!!!!! and went nuts. This is the one weird niche entirely irrelevant thing that can get me to like a character, just. Being able to point at them and jump up and down with joy over them also having moles. Idk why it’s just therapeutic <33

Nagito’s bony. Skinny mf. Could probably cut cheese with his elbows. Maybe grate it on his collarbones. Cuddling with him would be a fight to see if you can find a position that doesn’t end with something poking you in the gut. I mean this affectionately, he’s bony as shit but he’s my bony fucker <3

Pale asf, sunburns if he’s in the sun for more than two minutes. His eye bags could hold the entirety of his life’s trauma. Sharpest features ever. Sometimes I hc that he looks greasy, and other times I hc that he looks ethereally pretty in a ghostly way. Either way he always looks like he’s had the soul sucked out of him by a Dementor.

You can probably definitely see the veins in his hands. They’re. Very There. Also I’ve brought this up before but he definitely has big ass hands. L a r g e hands, all the better to head pat you with. This was originally so much more pining but I decided no I’ve exposed myself enough on this blog skfjksjdkd

Oh last minute thing, I think he’d be tall as fuck. Specifically 6’0 or taller. Also he probably (definitely) has at least a few scars from his childhood, particularly that plane crash. And I like to think he has glasses when he’s older. I’m so sorry that his section is so long I have so many thoughts about him ;;;;;

Okay uhh Imposter? Mmm. Idk actually. I do think they’d have callused fingers but soft hands. Probably from having to adapt to using a ton of different talents for their Imposter Agenda. Also stretch marks probably, all over their body.

Teruteru uhhhhh. God. Can you tell I don’t think about some characters ;;;;; Idk I don’t have much that differs from canon. I like him. Oh but he probably has cook hands? Chef hands, whatever you wanna call them. Probably faint scars from cuts and burns from when he was still learning how to cook from his mama.

Mahiru……hmm well freckles obviously dkjfksjd. I think she’s tanned as well since I feel like she likes sunlit shots. Idk I don’t have much. I like to think she’s got a stockier body type though.

Also not necessarily her body but I like her with an undercut!

Peko’s buff <3 it’s canon <333 /j

N ee way yeah. Buff Peko my love. Also she probably has a few scars from handling her sword when she was younger and less experienced. I also feel like she would have contacts she wears when she trains bc fuck exercising with glasses

I don’t really have anything for Hiyoko until she gets her growth spurt. Afterwards, I imagine she’s tall and kinda thin? Mainly bc of fast metabolism probably, though when she’s older maybe she’d be a little less spindly.

I don’t know if her hair would be bleached or not, but if it were, I like the idea of her letting her actual hair color grow in. If not, I think Ibuki might help her try a few sections of dyed hair? Idk I just like the thought

Ibuki is a fellow bony bitch. I mean this lovingly. She’s skin and bone. Skeleton rocker lady

Probably tan, I imagine she spends a lot of time in the sun. She strikes me as a summer person. Oh, I also saw some art of Black Ibuki with vitiligo and loved that!! Also calluses from shredding guitar, obviously

Hmmm I like the idea that she rollerskates? So possibly some bruises or scars on her arms or legs from falling on concrete when she was still learning. Oh oh I imagine she has a ton of piercings!!! On her ears, nose, lips, brows, tongue, belly button…….maybe she has a split tongue too idk. Also she totally gets a ton of tattoos when she’s outta Hope’s Peak, prove me wrong.

Mikan uhhh. I like tall Mikan. She deserves the height. 5’8 to 6’0 Mikan good 👍

Hmm she probably has scars all over, particularly on her arms and legs. Uh. Idk I imagine she’s curvy probably. What do I say for her I don’t have anything skjdksjdks

I’m not even gonna lie I don’t have a damn thing for Nekomaru. Or. Wait nevermind here’s a concept: buff Nekomaru but like. If you’ve seen those wrestlers who have fat on them that hides some fucking crazy strength? Yeah that’s him. Also hairy asf.

Gundham……tall vampire vibes. I’d say he’s a stick but also I feel like he’s the slim type of muscular. Idk how to describe it. Shigaraki type muscle? Male gymnast. No nevermind those guys have visible muscle. Shigaraki type it is

Hmmm I think this is canon but probably a few scratches from his pets. His arms and legs mainly but I’m sure the Devas have scratched up his neck at some point or another. Just a little though. Also piercing fiend Gundham my beloved. I also like him having a couple tattoos when he’s older. Ibuki probably helped him heheh

I’m torn between Fuyuhiko being skinny as shit and Fuyuhiko being tiny and buff. I like both………hhh

His hair is probably bleached. Peko probably helps him re-dye it when his roots start growing in. I also like him having glasses

Uhhh tooth gap Fuyu’s cute. I used to have a super small one before I got my braces, I imagine it’s the same for him. Him, Ibuki, and Gundham are probably Tattoo Buds.

Kazuichi…..I want so bad to say he’s a weakling just to make fun of him but he’s a mechanic that probably works with heavy machine parts a lot and he probably has some sick biceps. But he probably also smells like hair dye, oil, metal, and Monster Energy. Win lose situation I guess.

I like to think he has a couple piercings? Not as many as Ibuki, but maybe he’s got like. Second or third place in the class. Also he totally filed his teeth to be sharp like that

Akane!! Buff lady, could probably deadlift me or something. She’s definitely got some scars from running around, especially when she was first learning parkour. Ummm oh, I like to think she has a chipped tooth or smth like that from falling roughly as a kid.

Soniaa <33 in my heart she will always be tall and have at least some muscle. Novoselic is a war country if I remember correctly, she’s definitely got some military training in her.

Idk why but her with heterochromia just popped into my head. That pretty greenish blue gray that she has + maybe brown or hazel? I think that’d be cool. And hip dips.

[browncesario]

okay i would love to hear your review on dan howells book but i also understand that it might be too painful to talk about lmao

ok SCREAM

yeah pika and i read it together last night and it was PAINFUL. like first things first it was always going to be bad writing, but i didn't know it would be that bad? we've all been members of the too many commas gang at one point or another but i literally don't know how this got published. was there an editor. because he literally would make these three bullet lists for these skills that all meant the same thing because he has literally no idea what he's talking about!!

and like listen. the fact it's a self help book is problematic enough. the fact it's a self help book written by someone who found out what therapy was 5 years ago is revolting. the fact it's a self help book written by somebody who's target audience is the 11-17 demographic, making this a mental health guide for KIDS but not written as if it was for kids (which while i'm an advocate for bodily autonomy there's an entire paragraph on masturbation so don't tell me it's for kids), is deplorable.

then you can even just get into the content of the book. my personal favorite part is how there's an entire section where dan straight up mansplains maslow's hierarchy of needs and DOES SO IN HIS OWN WORDS AS IF HE CAME UP WITH THE CONCEPT!!!!!! COMPLETELY DESPITE THE FACT THIS STRUCTURE HAS FALLEN OUT OF FAVOR IN EVEN THE MOST BASIC OF DISCUSSION due to it's incredible racism, classism, and ableism!! (which, i have no idea how john got past this one considering there's an entire part in tfios debunking it and talking about how insulting it is but whatever dad)

literally the content of this book is exactly what you'd find on page one of google for "i'm sad?" he has that entire part where he's clearly trying to fill the niche of like "this is a grab bag of techniques while i tell you how hard it is to be a child of divorce" like bitch shut up!!! the only thing it would be qualified to do is as assigned reading for a middle school wellness class, but only if you were really desperate.

just the sheer narcissism of thinking this book was appropriate for him to write as somebody with no qualifications, very little primary experience, and a dwindling target demo of kids whose parents didn’t offer them therapy. it honestly makes my stomach churn. what kind of entitlement. 

[surejo]

( victoria pedretti, cis woman ) hey ! have you seen JOSEPHINE “JO” CORMAC around ? SHE works at the HOT COCOA STAND at big bear resort, but they must be off their shift by now. well, if you do see them can you let me know ? they’re 24 years old & they’ve been working here for TWO YEARS. they tend to be +OPTIMISTIC & +EMPATHETIC, but can also be -IMPRACTICAL & -PASSIVE. the other employees have labeled them THE IDEALIST. thanks a lot ! ( the few nights the stars can be seen, books worn down by dog-ears and marks left throughout the years, the first crisp breeze of autumn, the duality… of t.s. eliot ) 

OK. a few notes before i get started:

1) i hope everyone loves how i literally j copied my ivan stuff. url format? ‘sure jan’ lives on. theme? too lazy to find a different one that’s easy to work with. luv that for me. 2) speaking of this theme i forget if i addressed this on ivan’s blog but tabbed bullets don’t appear tabbed.... so if anything seems like it doesn’t make total sense.... it is supposed to be tabbed™. 3) get ready for drama!!!!! you may ask yourself “but the app looks so tame! there will be no drama!” but you are wrong........ because she loves cats. the t.s. eliot book......... the musical........ even the movie.

ok jo,, is also a resurrected character,,, hence how i already kno,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, that she loves cats. anyway ! let’s begin ! (listen,,,, the intro format will at least be a little different from ivan’s ok im evolving)

QUICK FACTS:

full name: josephine “jo” rose cormac

date of birth: march 6, 1995

*does not perfectly reflect the below big three zodiac chart because that’s too much math

zodiac big three: pisces sun, gemini moon, cancer rising

gender & pronouns: cis woman & she/her

sexual orientation: bisexual ( preference for women bc we luv that for her but we also luv leaving things open to chemistry )

education: bachelor in english - literature that she is doing nothing with

enneagram: 2w1

mbti: infp

various inspirations: eleanor crain ( the haunting of hill house ), dolores price *as a child and towards the end of the book ( she’s come undone ), fox 8 ( fox 8: a story ), “why try to change me now?” - fiona apple (cover), “be still” - the killers

BACKGROUND INFO:

triggers: verbal/mental/emotional abuse/gaslighting, very slight implication of spousal abuse, brief mention of car accident/death & drowning

( ivan and jo’s breakout pop-punk single: “fuck happy backstories!” stream it on spotify ! )

jo......... was born into the wrong family, let’s get that out of the way.

it was pretty clear she was a ploy to save the marriage of her parents ( who have names: lucy and benjamin, luv that for them ). it didn’t seem like they’d ever picked up a parenting book, gone to a parenting class, rly prepped for being a parent at all...... in their entire lives.

that being said, her mom was actually decent at parenting. her major flaw, though? ok, so you know how kids usually have that one bedtime story that they love and want it to be read to them over and over? well lucy complied ! but y’all wanna know what that book was ?

t.s. eliot’s “old possum’s book of practical cats” whfeiuldjkn

anyway ! when jo was seven, after many failed attempts and simple threats, her mom was finally divorcing benjamin for realz. due to his volatile nature, it was becoming very clear that she was the more fit parent and she almost got sole custody ( the only reason benjamin was motivated for it in the first place was the power so?? )! how exciting!

but the keyword is ‘almost’!

alexa, play ‘my heart will go on’ but the off-tune flute version

just as the proceedings were going through, jo’s mother was hit by a drunk driver on new year’s eve. the car skidded onto some ice, minimal damage done... then the ice broke.

jo and benjamin both devolved after that. jo withdrew more into herself and pretty much coped by..... just reading old possum’s a LOT (hate that for her). all mopey, benjamin became much less outwardly violent. the keyword is ‘outwardly.’

ya, instead of j bein like “i will just chill” he was like “i will just make my rage more subtle because in this house, we love intimidation, manipulation, hostility, the blame game, and gaslighting! uwu” managed to convince jo that her mother’s death was somehow her fault, that he was the only person she could trust, that she will never be able to live without someone else, etc., etc.

a few years in and a cycle of many impromptu sleepovers began. luv that for her. hate that for her, but luv that for her. 

there is a lot i cld talk abt here, but it all seems like it cld j be tl;dr’d as: “basically became the surrogate daughter of a bunch of other people”

as for things that r not tragique™, jo was v much a drifter when it came to friends. managed to make a fair amount bc she does not seem like she will put a tadpole in ur hand like ivan. also j a people-pleaser but that’s starting to get into her personality which is another section.

did go to college. luv that for her. has NO CLUE what she’s going to do with her degree, but she can make some really sick niche william faulkner jokes. 

began seasonally working at big bear during the winter break of her last year in college because bitch needed some money!! wound up loving it and was like “i think,,,, i will continue to do this,,,, the people here,,,, r cul,,,,”

still visits benjamin every once in a while. not a way to say that uwu you should forgive ur abusive parent(s) uwu rather that jo.... still has slight belief in him. just to end on something emo.

THE REST IS HISTORY!!!!

TL;DR:

started life out as a saddie, not a baddie. still not a baddie, but no longer as much of a saddie. loves “cats” and there is no irony to that statement. can make good niche literary jokes, but that’s about it.

PERSONALITY/MISCELLANEOUS INFO:

a child. a literal child. a child to the point that she should have supervision when she goes on grocery trips because she falls for marketing ploys so easily. can’t believe she hasn’t fallen into a pyramid scheme yet.

an absolute dumbass. again, can make some great niche william faulkner jokes, but ask her the order of the planets? “...well mars is somewhere in there.”

unironically LOVES cats - both the musical and movie. thinks jennifer hudson’s grizabella is the best. will start sharing random facts about it or old possum’s book of practical cats if she runs out of things to talk about but feels pressured to keep talking. was broken when she first read a different t.s. eliot poem and realized he was actually super dark. the only thing that got her through it was a comparison to batman :\ bruce wayne is old possum’s, batman is everything else.

to take a brief break from fun personality facts, v down on herself bc benjamin’s words rly!! stuck with her!! convinced she is an absolute idiot and does not trust her own memory. v indecisive bc of this and always longs for someone to help her figure things out. tries to distance herself from memories of her mother because, again, benjamin got to her. her love of cats doesn’t help that, but... can you believe that’s her coping mechanism? makes up for it by giving all of her love 2 everyone else!! we love tragedy!! and needing to go to therapy!!

secretly knows her love of cats is weird and dumb. a part of her knows why it’s considered one of the worst musicals ever. but LISTEN. we luv rly weird coping mechanisms!

big dreamer. will develop the most impractical goals. she usually knows they are impractical, but still..... uwu

has decided everyone is good until proven bad! except for,,,, like,,, murderers and rapists,,,,

is #StraightEdge for the most part,,,, literally has a drink maybe three times per year

says “like” a whole lot for someone who majored in english with a concentration in literature and should therefore be more eloquent.

i am not great at these sections!! feel free 2 j refer to her zodiac, personality tests, and character influences!!

literally fox 8. i put the others there bc she’s similar but wow,,,, if u read fox 8 (it’s a short story i recommend it i luv george saunders u can find a pdf online),,,, she is fox 8. 

here u go here is a sample that doesnt need context: "Fox 4 woslike: No ofense, Fox 8? Your ideas are not super praktikal. Dreem, dreem, dreem, said Fox 11. Fox 41 woslike: Fox 8, does this honestly never get old for you?"

OH ALSO. she has a slet. a cat,,,,, named asparagus,,,, whom she calls “gus”,,,,, and y’all know WHY.

recent development: has downloaded tor so she can get on the dark web. why? because she thinks there will be more funny animal videos on there. is shockingly good at navigating it.

CONNECTION IDEAS:

close friends bc we luv that –– roman (nuanced), aylie (nuanced), hazel (nuanced), cleo (nuanced), vic (nuanced), marco (nuanced)

childhood friends whom she possibly had impromptu sleepovers with bc that is v soft and,,,,, y’all i left the city blank for a reason. –– hazel, marco, 

on that note, the person who was like “wait,,,,,,, u know that book was turned into a musical right,,,,,, like,,,,, a musical literally everyone knows” and shook jo’s world

good influence / bad influence –– cleo, vic, 

~*confidant*~

roommate

exes –– ian,

reciprocated pining

unreciprocated pining

someone..... who has accepted..... that she likes cats.... in a way that is not ironic. will see the movie with her. –– aylie, 

an enemy,,,,,, aka this person was like “cats is literally the worst thing in the entire world” and now they r on jo’s very short hit list –– riley

idk!!! im also obvs up for brainstorming!!! luv that!!!

** descriptive connections page is here ( only people who i’m messaging are on it, but i ?? would love to plot w everyone ?? so don’t make the short list make u think i’m trying 2 limit it 2 these ppl auhfoeidla )

LIKE THIS OR HMU TO PLOT !

[anyhao-archived]

1OFAKIND

9 member boy group

debut song: DUNK IT!

debut album: welcome to 1nderland

members:

mattie (16)

dancer, vocal, maknae, ‘02 line

energetic & hyper; cute & charismatic

still in school + incredibly short but still growing

drama queen & loves bothering RBF a lot

doesn’t speak any english despite his english (stage) name

the main advocate to get a cat. when they go to the shelter he doesn’t even bother going in the dog section. he goes straight to the cats and is literally the epitome of the “pls mom can we get him :(((” cliche while showing a cat to the CEO

he likes to joke that his only skill is cooking pizza rolls to absolute perfection. everyone knows that is a LIE but its funny so.

nathaniel (16)

dancer, rapper, speaks basic spanish, ‘02 line

mischief twin with mattie (though nathaniel’s a little eviler, and less hyper) the other members can’t leave them alone for a minute (like that 1 scene in community where the guy goes to get the pizza and a minute later the apartment is on fire) -- yeah.

calls the CEO “mom” jokingly until he slips up and means it

dropped out of school but getting his GED slowly. takes online classes and jack +suhyun help him

the first to volunteer for brightly colored hair (he gets the bright blue that vav’s ace had in dance with me)

suhyun (18)

vocal, composer, can play piano and guitar, born in 2000

soft, sweet and polite boy. well liked by everyone

he gives off the impression of being shy and quiet but he’s really not. he just waits for the right moment to roast someone. its not that he’s shy he just. really doesnt have much to say. when he does, though, everyone listens to him. more often than not its a quip at another member

speaks english pretty well, almost fluent

literal aegyo king. he looks so soft and sweet he’s already cute, but when he does puppy eyes and asks jaeyong/the CEO for something they immediately give in to him. he uses it for bad & selfish reasons, and refuses to do it on command (like on shows)

self proclaimed fashionista, gets irritated with the members when they purposely dress bad

the second to volunteer for colored hair (gets a dark red/burgundy)

haeyoung (19)

power vocal, dancer, 2nd leader, born in 1999

helps jack with choreographing

drama queen (part 2) always tries to one up mattie

even despite the rivalry to be dramatic, he LOVES mattie. he loves all the younger members, which is why he’s elected as 2nd leader -- to be an advocate for the younger members who sometimes perhaps don’t have the courage to complain to the hyungs

he loves dogs but animals don’t seem to like him. 

one day he gets fed up with being ignored by daisy and dramatically falls to the ground in the practice room floor and whines about daisy hating him. one of the members kick him to get up but he refuses. daisy slowly comes over, as if sensing his distress, and licks him on his face.

to this DAY he maintains that he did not cry, the members are all slandering him! from then on, though, daisy sleeps on haeyoung’s bottom bunk bed with him

he’s recently got his driver’s license but no one likes to be in the car with him. he’s literally a mess and no ones sure how he got the license

he followed the hair color trend: a light, cotton candy pink color

he LOVES SPARKLES!!!! always asks for sparkles in his makeup. his aegyo skill is second only to suhyun. haeyoung always just. GOES for it. he’s less pleading and more cutesy high voice pitch. half the members cringe, and half of them love it. the one who seems to enjoy it the most though is jaeyong, surprisingly.

minchan (20)

vocal, dancer, and visual, ‘98 line

dumb and dumber with wooyoung. (minchan is the dumber) literally never knows what’s going on. tends to get lost, and if wooyoung is there, wooyoung’s lost too. jaeyong finds them and drags them back by their collars

though he’s mainly a vocal, he’s a wonderful dancer, too. he’s got (some) background in ballet, which makes his dancing perfect for this group

an amazing artist and incredibly creative. he designs their album designs and helps with photography. he’s also incredible at makeup and loves to do members’ makeup. sometimes he teams up with suhyun to give a full makeover to one of the members -- makeup, hair, outfit, etc. their victim is usually haeyoung or jack.

a dog person, came up with daisy’s name

he’s got light brown hair, and he makes sure to make it fluffy every day

he prides himself on learning certain niche skills. he’s first aid and cpr certified. he can also knit! he’s also the best cook in the dorm (not the only one, but certainly the best)

wooyoung (20)

dancer, rapper, knows basic english, ‘98 line

loves dogs & is best friends with minchan. he’s the dumb portion of the dumb & dumber duo, even though both of them really aren’t idiots

HIMBO!!! like he is kind of dumb (in a good way at least) and he’s the one who posts the most selfies. he enjoys stripping and ripping off his shirt

he likes to edit videos, and learns how to compose from suhyun. he’s the one members go to if they’re having tech issues.

somehow, he is a technology nerd but also a gym rat?? he’s THAT GUY who takes gym selfies and meanwhile jaeyong’s in the background with his shirt off lmao

he’s the actor of the group. if there’s an offer to be in a drama or whatever he’d be the first to be picked

also has background in dance! more street style though, like pop/locking or bboying. when he and minchan work together their dancing is beautiful. almost like art in its own form

BJ -- aka: RBF (21)

stable vocal, dancer, face of the group, ‘97 line

doesn’t like to be touched

dramatic, but not drama queen type. more like draping himself over pieces of furniture in silk outfits while there’s candles barely lighting the old room

has black hair that needs a trim, always wearing black clothes, bracelets, etc. (like the cliche emo in middle school in 2009)

what a fucking MESS! he’s always cheating during games and refusing to move/work out more than strictly necessary. 

his stage name is literally BJ (their CEO thought it was funny, and he was always like ??? until jack told him what that means in English LOL and he’s SO SCANDALZIED! he’s that member who does a solo interview while the rest are off fuckin’ around. he does an entire vlive for this one rant. hes like, hey guys. now i know why you all laughed when i was introduced. jack told me what bj means in english! so im gonna change my stage name. i like the idea of letters. what do you guys think of rbf?’

‘you know what that stands for, too, right?’

of course! resting bitch face! don’t you think that suits me? nd thats how he goes from bj to rbf. their ceo thinks rbf is hilarious, too

he seems aloof but he actually has a lot of emotions. he tends to rant about anything, and jack’s the only one who rly listens to him.

he’s closest with suhyun, bc hes the only member who seems to understand him more than at a surface level. basically they’re a yin/yang type of friends

is very happy with his appearance. he likes being that dancer with swaying hips and lifting his shirt up. sexy dance! 

jack (21)

rapper, fluent in english, choreographer, ‘97 line

closest with jaeyong (they were together at a different company before)

quiet, responsible, and well liked

makes sure all members are heard and understood. he also teaches them english (especially mattie)

basically: hes the long suffering mother type and lives in the bedroom with mattie and nathaniel to watch over the mischief twins

probably the most intelligent but doesnt act like it. kind of a nerd and wears glasses, but he’s ... well built. looks good. hes basically the “hot nerd” with flannel and beanies cliche

his only downfall is he’s extremely unlucky. everything he touches breaks or falls apart lmao. like, he’s the tallest member and gives off ‘rough’ vibes but. he’s constantly tripping, or falling down stairs. however the members know better than to laugh at him lol they’ve seen him angry.

‘im not angry. im just disappointed’ the rest of the group: WE ALL KNOW THATS WORSE!

maknae line (mattie, nathaniel, and suhyun) are constantly following him around like little ducklings. it comes natural to mattie and nathaniel, and suhyun just enjoys being there lol

jaeyong (23)

leader, eldest, main rapper, born in 1995

he’s got experience in the industry and leads the rest of the group with that knowledge. he debuted briefly at the previous company but disbanded early. he left the company with jack and now they’re in the new one.

main driver!! he drives all the members everywhere and its an ongoing joke that hes a chauffeur. however he’s got... a little bit of road rage lmao

GYM RAT! he’s jacked!!! he rarely shows his abs though, preferring to tease fans lmao however wooyoung keeps taking pics of him when he’s shirtless in the gym (both on purpose and on accident)

he’s also a bit cliche. if jack was long suffering mom(TM) then he’s the slightly detached but well meaning father(TM) ! not afraid to call out his members, but listens with an open mind. he’s a great mediator if there’s any issues within the group

though jaeyong is the leader, jack tends to be the one herding all the kids and making sure they eat. jaeyong is more about pep talks and being strong, giving great speeches, etc. 

even though he seems like he’d be rough around the edges, he’s incredibly loving. in multiple ways. he teases, he rough houses, LOVES hugging the members until they cant breathe. he’s... also very susceptible to aegyo. like he cant help but be swayed. he will never admit it but haeyoung and suhyun’s aeygo make his heart race

[earwaxinggibbous]

Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2019

So 2019 was kind of a weird year, wasn’t it? Not just for like, life, though it was weird in that aspect, but in music.

I can’t tell if 2019 was an incredibly strong year for music or a weak one. This, to me, is a sign that we’re transitioning into a new era of popular music. The youth are once again taking the reigns of the music scene as did the punks of the 70′s and the grunge kids of the 90′s. Meanwhile, the oldheads flounder for relevance in the face of this new adversity. “Nobody could’ve expected this!”, said no-one ever.

There was a lot of great pop this year, which I will get to, but there was also a lot of bad pop. All of it was either by shitty new artists who have no talent or previous hitmakers swimming around in their own piss. Regardless, it was all interesting to look at. You won’t see any “this entry is short because this song is boring” sections. I also won’t have to rant and rave constantly about the reprehensibility of certain artists, though it will come up. So I guess 2019 was a better year to talk about bad music.

Less do dis.

10. Senorita - Camila Cabello and Shawn Mendes

I can’t explain why I hate Camila Cabello so much. I didn’t even realize I hated her until, like... now.

I thought Havana was okay, and her work with Fifth Harmony was tolerable, but every other single she’s dropped has been fucking excruciating. Bad Things sucked, that one song where she can’t pronounce the word “heroin” properly sucked, and this song sucks.

Much like Selena Gomez above, Camila Cabello is yet another female singer who lacks the ability to display any chemistry with anybody, even her actual real friend Shawn Mendes. As well, like sister Gomez, she fills the chart niche of sexy Latina women for men to drool over. “I love it when you call me senorita” is one of the corniest and stupidest lines ever written. She may as well have said “it gets me hot when you call me Ms. Cabello” because that’s essentially the equivalent. 

There’s nothing sexy about the airy whimpering or the obnoxious “ooh-la-la”s or the way Shawn harmonizes, which implies he also loves it when you call him senorita. Nobody actually bothered to think any part of this song through because nobody ever thinks very hard about writing Camila’s songs. Otherwise Bad Things wouldn’t have accidentally sounded like an abuse anthem when it was supposed to be kinky and sexy. And it’s how creepy lyrics like this got by in Senorita.

If he says you’re just friends then you’re JUST FRIENDS. Did we learn nothing from Ann-Marie and Marshmello last year?

This is just yet another lame, plotless, meandering love/sex song by Camila Cabello who has a good voice, but only ever performs these god-awful sex jams with no sex and no jam. And it’s unfortunate because this is sort of the lot dealt to most Latinx artists. Pop-friendly artists like Camila are divvied up into racial categories without anyone even noticing, and most likely she will only ever write and perform sex jams because that’s what a Latina woman in pop is pushed into. Not that I think she has any problem with it, it’s more indicative of a bigger problem than specifically one with Camila herself.

People have been sexualizing the Latinx community since the dawn of time, and while the new movement of Spanish music might change this, it sure as hell hasn’t started yet.

At least it isn’t seven minutes long like Te Bote.

9. Money in the Grave - Drake and Rick Ross

Drake had 25 hits last year, and only one of them was a song I might say I actually like. I remember I said there’d be no boring songs, but... Drake hasn’t been interesting in a long time. Even when I found out about his secret son, or the fact that he was with a significantly younger woman, I just kinda shrugged and said “oh”. Drake has to be on his way out. How much longer are people going to stand this?

Money in the Grave isn’t as turgid as 2018’s Nonstop, or as audibly inept as the 2017(?)’s Pop Style, but God. At this point, every Drake song sounds the same. The man is incapable of bringing forth any kind of emotions, his beats are pathetic drum loops, nothing he writes has any personality. It’s almost funny how boring his music is.

Rick Ross, if you remember him, was known in his time for writing shouty drug dealer anthems. He yelled a lot, and I was sitting with bated breath waiting for him to fucking 6ix9ine scream over this track, only to be disappointed when he lowered into a calmer register for this tune. Drake even made Rick Ross boring, and Rick Ross is one of the funniest bad rappers I can think of, aside from like, Soulja Boy.

I no longer understand what niche Drake fills. You can’t dance to this, you can’t get high to it, nobody’s gonna think you’re cool if you enjoy it, the lyrics aren’t even passably interesting. It’s the same rap cliches as always, perhaps with a new coat of paint, but said paint is the same color as it already was previously, and makes no change. 

No wonder Drake endorsed Lil Baby. Nobody else can equal his talent at sounding bored.

8. Bad Guy - Billie Eilish

So here’s an unpopular music critic opinion: I don’t like Billie Eilish.

I’ve known of her for a long time, and never once has she drawn my intrigue. I’ve gone all over asking people why they like her, and I’ve heard all sorts of answers. Her voice is good, her lyrics are good, her production is interesting, her subject matter is deep... whatever it actually is, I couldn’t tell you. But in the end, I basically feel the same way about her as I do about Twenty-One Pilots. She’s an artist in an oversaturated micro-genre who, despite being of lower quality than her contemporaries, managed to do something different enough that she rose up in the latter part of the genre’s life. In Billie’s case, it’s the trend of female alt-pop singer-songwriters who write about things like politics, feminism, and ESPECIALLY mental health.

Lorde was the original, but we also have Lana Del Rey, the more pop-friendly Halsey, Marina and the Diamonds, the dreaded Melanie Martinez, to some extent even Alessia Cara, just a whole bunch of them. They all had their own unique personality. Billie Eilish’s personality is that she has none.

Okay, I’m being a little mean. I do think that Billie’s music videos are actually very interesting, but good music videos does not a good musician make. Her voice is more of a phlegmy whisper than people let on, and her lyrics... like, what, what makes them so special? And why didn’t wish you were gay get ANY backlash when it’s basically just a backwards version of Little Big Town’s Girl Crush?

Bad Guy is the worst of her singles without question. Its beat, much like most of her songs, sounds like two people accidentally banged on top of the Cassio and somebody pressed record. Her voice continues to be boring and flat, for some reason she has to whisper everything, and the lyrics are some of the most mind-numbing shit I’ve ever heard. Which moron at corporate told the 17-YEAR-OLD to write a “steal yo man” song where she threatens to seduce my dad? Like, ignoring my own personal history with my dad, you are literally a CHILD.

Generally speaking, the song sounds like someone gargling mouthwash in my ear for a minute or two, but like, very quietly. Which is kind of pathetic for a song called Bad Guy. You sound like a pretty average guy to me.

It’s obvious from the music video that Billie’s main inspiration is grunge, and if that isn’t the case I’ll be surprised. The weird imagery and intentionally dressing like a homeless person to every public thing she does gives off big Nirvana energy. One could argue that Billie Eilish is a good segway into teaching the youthsters about the ghosts of music’s past. There’s just a few problems with that.

One: Bad Guy sounds nothing like a grunge song.

Two: Billie Eilish does not have a grunge voice.

Three: Billie Eilish just... isn’t doing it right.

Billie Eilish’s parents are two wealthy actors and she was basically born with the ability to get into the business easier than other people. I’m not saying that you can’t be a grunge artist if you’re wealthy and have a decent family life, but I am saying that Billie’s music doesn’t convey any kind of grunge appeal. There’s no roughness or rawness to it because she could immediately walk into a producer’s studio with a wad of fifties and ask for a sick beat. Her music displays no emotion, and emotion is the main draw of grunge. Like, Kurt Cobain wasn’t a very good singer, but he knew how to perfectly channel how he was feeling. Grunge music is about feelings, not polish. And Billie Eilish is all polish.

I’m not gonna get all angry because grunge is being gentrified by a tiny girl when it was originally started by broke heroin addicts and lesbians, but I am gonna get angry because her music sounds worse than albums made on a budget of 600 dollars by a guy who has had one voice lesson his whole life.

She should just go into modern art.

7. Worth It - YK Osiris

Originally I was gonna give this spot to a different song. Worth It was so immediately bad that it rescued Lil Baby from my list this year.

Don’t expect to be this lucky next year, bitch.

But we’re not talking about that squealing douchebag, we’re talking about THIS squealing douchebag:

YK Osiris. I have no idea where he came from, I think he was part of last year’s XXL Freshman Class? He’s more of a singer than a rapper, so I’m not sure why he was, other than the predetermined idea that all black artists in pop are rappers. I wouldn’t even call him a singer, because the man cannot sing.

At the beginning of the music video, you see dozens of paparazzi swarming around YK Osiris’ car as he exits with a girl. This is the set-up for the song’s impressive amount of self-fellating narcissism, as YK Osiris assumes he has fans. Who the fuck listens to YK Osiris? I mean, clearly someone, because he charted, but like... what does a YK Osiris fan look like? Do women actually like hearing him wheeze into their ear? Like BEES?

NO MORE BEES!

Hearing this fucking chicken nugget talk about whether or not I’m worth eet is the lamest thing. Why does she have to be worth it? Are YOU worth HER time? Who the fuck are you? The attitude is very, I guess, mid-70′s Paul Anka-esque. And now I’ve made you imagine a YK Osiris cover of You’re Having My Baby. I also remember Todd in the Shadows compared this song to Earned It by The Weeknd, but I dunno if I get that vibe.

I mean, Earned It is a song about like... BDSM sex, presumably. So that’s more of an “if you’re good master will make you squart” kind of thing. This is more some sentient dildo insisting that you prove his worth to him before you’re even DATING. That’s a red flag on the same level as meeting a guy who lives alone and still puts a lock on his fridge. Like, what’s in there? What’s in the fridge? Is it human meat?

The guitar solo in this song is the only thing about it that’s... worth it. ZING!

6. ZEZE - Kodak Black ft.Travis Scott and Offset

ZEZE is a bad song. Plain and simple. It’s the essence of bad.

It feels like... it wasn’t even finished. Like everyone involved came in the next day to finish tweaking it only to find out that it was already sent out to be published and sold. I feel like there are things missing. Like yeah, the steel drums are nice, but where’s the rest of the instrumentation? There’s a drum and a steel drum and then nothing. Why does this song feel so naked?

Kodak Black sure doesn’t help, still sounding like he’s half-man half-screaming rubber chicken and mumbling like an actual infant still figuring out the whole “talking” deal. It’s not like Travis Scott or Offset add anything. I can’t remember what they did. ZEZE sounds the way I imagine taking ketamine and cocaine would feel. This song is so amateurish, I almost have good will for it.

If this was made by, say, a couple of high school kids dinking around with a Garageband, I might find it a little cute. The problem is that this song was made by several Whole Ass Adult People who have enough money to not make shit that sounds like ZEZE. It’s cute until you remember that Travis Scott produced big sexy SICKO MODE and yet somehow his presence couldn’t make ZEZE sound like it was made on a higher budget than 20 bucks. Someone even put an echo on Kodak’s voice, like that’d make him ANY BETTER.

It doesn’t help that I have continuing ill will towards Kodak Black because he’s a sex offender and nobody seems all too pressed about it. (Some rappers even congratulate him for having a rough past, like yeah, I guess some of those serial killers really did deserve better, huh?) I won’t be satisfied until he’s wearing orange pajamas on an island far away, and until then my feelings stand.

As it is, ZEZE is a song so chintzy-sounding and lame that I can’t imagine who would enjoy it. This song has the same energy as one of those hula girls you put on the dashboard of your car: Cheap and ugly.

5. The Git Up - Blanco Brown

Whenever something new is created, there’s always a leech.

I probably don’t need to tell you about the monstrous year Old Town Road had on the pop charts. For weeks and weeks, Lil Nas X was blocking people from his throne at the top of the Billboard Hot 100, bumping off new faces like Billie Eilish and oldheads like Taylor Swift. Old Town Road knew no mercy. This is the year that a gay black kid singing about horses ruled the world.

And Blanco Brown wanted a piece.

Blanco Brown is one of those artists who started out producing and writing for other hitmakers. He worked on some song by 2Chainz, a couple by some woman named Demetria McKinney, he produced that accursed MILF song by Fergie, a lot of relatively famous people. But he looked at Old Town Road and realized that he, being a black man from the lovely state of Georgia, could also do that.

He could not do that.

The Git Up is a husk of a song, only validated by the fact that it achieved what it was aiming for: TikTok memes. It’s as shameless as Watch Me, but doesn’t even have the small sense of excitement Silento gives off. Blanco Brown’s The Git Up and the “challenge” that it’s attached to are pathetic. The only reason Blanco isn’t too ashamed to go outside after writing this is because he knows plenty of people have fallen into his trap, and that they’re bigger fools than he is.

I started off hating Old Town Road, but over time I’ve sort of come to love it. There’s innocence in it. Lil Nas X didn’t mean for it to be a number one hit, it just happened. A lot of artists were trying too hard this past year, and I suspect it’s why Old Town Road made the pop charts its bitch. It didn’t have to try.

A lot of people will point at rock bands for being “fake”. If they draw inspiration from grunge or punk, and they don’t have the proper edge, many will point and laugh. But just because something is fun and hip doesn’t mean it’s easier to make. In fact, I feel it’s a lot easier to tell if someone’s making a shitty pop song for any reason other than themselves. A lot of people thought Lil Peep was faking, and he really, really wasn’t. There’s grey area in topics like depression, but Blanco Brown (and anyone like him) is as transparent as a window. I see through his mock-excitement, his cute little dance challenge, his “innocent” song. We all do.

I believe Tyler Durden put it best:

“Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken.”

4. I Don’t Care - Ed Sheeran ft. Justin Bieber

Speaking of being fake...

I don’t know if Ed Sheeran realizes how embarrassing this song is. More than any other song he’s been involved in. More than Shape Of You, or that one song on Revival, more than anything. I Don’t Care is an exercise in humiliation.

Generally speaking, I don’t like Ed Sheeran’s music. I think he’s had a couple good songs, we all like Sing and Castle on the Hill, it’s not like he’s untalented. But every time he’s gotten a big hit these past few years it’s been so shitty or mediocre that I wanted to scream. I’m not sure why, but all of his fans seem to flock towards his worst songs. And of all of them, I hate I Don’t Care the most.

Usually the problems with Ed Sheeran’s music just revolve around his meek, tiny personality and his weird style of lyricism. The level of detail he gets into can be both an asset and a detriment. I remember I basically described Shape Of You as a virgin anthem, because Ed Sheeran exudes dorkiness. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, and when it comes to nerd music I’d rather take Thomas Dolby, but he definitely had a style.

I Don’t Care is Ed’s Intuition.

As in, the Jewel song. The blown-up pop song released by Jewel, a previously sincere folk singer who played acoustic guitar and sang about break-ups and The Media(TM) and stuff like that. Ed Sheeran is a lot like Jewel, if you think about it. Both of them are skilled lyricists who play acoustic guitar and sing about personal topics, and both of them suddenly decided to throw that away and make a sell-out pop hit. If this kills Ed’s career, they’ll have had basically the same musical trajectory.

Ed Sheeran opens the song by saying he’s at a party he doesn’t wanna be at, and that’s how the song feels. You, the listener, are at a party you don’t wanna be at. What good did adding Justin Bieber to this song do? Oh, right, that’s what made it a hit. I Don’t Care goes far beyond Blanco Brown’s brand of shamelessness. Blanco Brown specifically wanted a dance challenge hit. Ed Sheeran just wanted a hit. Any hit will do. He brought in guaranteed hitmaker Justin Bieber, tossed out his acoustic guitar for fully electronic production, and sang about something vague and already done. And the worst part is that it WORKED.

I imagine this was almost entirely through radio play, because this song is so radio-friendly and milktoast it’s unreal. With a stupid music video greenscreening Ed’s face onto shit and “ooh ooh”s and all, this song exists to pander. It wasn’t created for humans, rather, it was created for the pop music algorithm that’ll shove it into people’s laps without them asking. There’s no artistic integrity, nothing worth thinking about for longer than its runtime. It made it to the Hot 100 because it can be played in grocery stores and clothing stores and really any kind of store. Ed Sheeran is a God of nothing, and I can’t imagine he’s proud.

3. No Guidance - Chris Brown ft. Drake

This song is bad on every possible level. Starting off with the fact that it’s nine minutes long. It out-lengths last year’s overly long garbage fire that was Te Bote. 

And then you look at the credits and know exactly who’s to blame for all this:

I don’t know if Lil Dicky anticipated giving Chris Brown’s career a second wind with Freaky Friday, but I think that’s what he did. I defended Lil Dicky last year, and I’m still not clear on how much he actually wanted to work with Chris Brown since that’s not really the kind of thing famous people are honest about, but this wasn’t Lil Dicky’s hit. This was a springboard to launch Chris Brown back into the limelight. Earth didn’t even chart. I wouldn’t be surprised if that was the last gasp of Lil Dicky’s career in the spotlight.

But I’d take Freaky Friday over No Guidance any day.

No Guidance is the formal beef-squash between Chris Brown and Drake. Apparently they both dated Rihanna at some point and allegedly had an actual literal bar fight. Despite Drake claiming he still loves Rihanna, he’s also choosing to publicly make up with and work with the man who got her hospitalized at 19 years old. Then again, Rihanna also wants nothing to do with Drake.

(source)

Over time, Drake has proven himself to be his own flavor of scumbag, a weirdo who dates younger women and pretended not to have a son. Perhaps this is his way of getting back at Rihanna. Or he’s simply using Chris Brown’s new power to bolster his own career. Regardless of why it is, it’s gross, especially when he’s dropping bars like this:

Someone else here is looking a little violent, no?

On pure quality, it sounds like every other Chris Brown song, just with Drake tossed into the mix haphazardly. It’s a lame song about hitting on some girl where both artists drop references to their old songs because that’s the easiest way for a failing artist to feign relevance. Assuming nobody features Chris Brown on another massive hit next year, there’s a fair chance he’s done for, and after years of oversaturation, the public finally tires of Drake. No Guidance is a nothing song with scummy shit going on behind the scenes.

RIP Lil Dicky.

2. 7 Rings - Ariana Grande

I never really understood the hype around Ariana Grande. She has a few songs that I enjoy, and her voice is very good, but nothing by her really stands out to me as an amazing song. Ariana stans are relentless. When I posted my review of the thank u, next album some complete stranger replied to it with “Uhhh ok sis”. Like barring the fact that I’m not a girl and we’re not related... it’s an opinion, calm yourself.

Frankly I don’t know how people enjoyed this song. Her stans are insane, but surely not that insane, right? I mean... this isn’t a song. It’s a MISTAKE.

Between Gwen Stefani and Ariana Grande, sampling The Sound Of Music for your pop song is a dangerous game. And really, she should’ve sampled like, anything else. Because nothing says “wealthy, savage girl” like a cute song about your favorite things, I guess!

I’ve never felt quite so immediately gross and uncomfortable as I did when listening to 7 Rings. I have no problem with women flexing, of course I don’t, but this isn’t flexing, it’s mocking. 7 Rings makes me feel like I’m being bullied.

Ari had a horrible 2018, and she’s more than allowed to flex a little, but I can’t imagine why anyone would want to essentially play the villain of a high school movie. She’s not Cher Horowitz or Regina George, because then at least she’d be entertainingly bitchy. I judge a flex anthem based on how much I get excited for the person being wealthy and cool. This song makes me want to commit a robbery.

The lyrical content isn’t the only bad element. It also sounds like shit! 

Ariana Grande is a belter. Everyone knows she’s here to sing and not... rap. Which is exactly what she does on this song. The filters she puts over her voice during the rapping sections are just... gross. When she drags out certain words it hurts my ears. That and apparently multiple people have accused her of stealing their flows, though that’s really hard to say since it’s an incredibly generic rap flow. Also, she samples Gimme The Loot by Biggie Smalls, a song about robbing people. Which makes sense because if you bought Ariana’s album, you were robbed! Congrats!

But in the end, the most damning thing about this song is its lyrics. Why should I be excited about this absolute bitch having tons of money? Why should I care when she has the gall to say shit like this?

There were ten writers on this song and nobody thought of saying “hey, maybe the phrase ‘happiness is the same price as red-bottoms’ is a little fucking shallow!” 

And I’m not making any judgments on Ariana’s character in real life. I’m sure she’s a perfectly nice person, but if this song was supposed to project some sense of camaraderie and a “we did it!” attitude, it fails. What it does project is a snide, rich girl looking down on you for not just buying yourself out of depression. Never write a song like this again.

Honorable Mentions

Happier - Marshmello and Bastille

I’m not gonna be the first to say every Marshmello beat sounds exactly the same, but every Marshmello beat sounds the same. I picked this one because it charted highest, but really it makes no difference which Marshmello song I pick on.

Sweet But Psycho - Ava Max

This song reads like a 12-year-old’s deviantART journal.

Drip Too Hard - Lil Baby and Gunna

Like I said, this song almost got on the list proper. It’s a slow burn. At first you feel like the beat is solid, and Lil Baby rides it decently enough, but then it keeps going and the flows never switch and Gunna basically sounds the same as Lil Baby and you begin feeling like you’re losing your mind.

Thotiana - Blueface

People kept memeing about this. I thought it’d be fun. I hate you guys.

God’s Country - Blake Shelton

Namedropping The Devil Went Down To Georgia does not make you Primus. Because you are not creative or interesting.

Trampoline - Shaed

I wouldn’t have even given this song a second thought except apparently it’s hit the alt-rock charts? Where is this rock? Like I get we’re pushing the boundaries of genre but I think the bare minimum of a rock song would be a GUITAR.

Knockin’ Boots - Luke Bryan

This song is dumb. But I’m oddly amused by how dumb it is, so it may live.

Baby - Lil Baby and DaBaby

Sometimes things sound like a good idea, and then they’re not. This didn’t even sound like a good idea and it proved to be an even worse idea. Something definitely could’ve been done with this, but Lil Baby is essentially a creative void that consumes all it sees.

Someone You Loved - Lewis Capaldi

Another song that’s too dumb for me to really get mad at. God knows, Capaldi is putting a hell of a lot of effort into something. What it is, I’m not sure, but he’s doing his best.

With those out of the way, we move onto

Number One:

You Need To Calm Down - Taylor Swift

"I AM LAID LOW BY THE HUMAN RACE. ME, AN INNOCENT WOMAN, MUST DEAL WITH ‘HATERS’ EVERY SINGLE DAY. MY HEART HAS BECOME WEAK WITH ALL OF THE UNKIND WORDS. DARE I SAY... I AM OPPRESSED?”

It’s ironic hearing Taylor Swift tell me to calm down. She hasn’t been calm for a long time. She sure as hell isn’t calm in this song. It’s basically the equivalent of someone screaming “I AM NOT ANGRY!”

Like, you’re... still mad about the snake thing? It’s been a few years now and you’re still bothered enough by an emoji that you referenced it in a song about how not-bothered you are? I mean, apparently this song (as well as ME!) is about celebrating individuality. It definitely is celebrating an individual: Taylor Swift.

I think a big theme of this year was “embarrassing”. The Git Up was embarrassing, I Don’t Care was embarrassing, but none of them are more embarrassing than this. You could probably do a list of the ten worst Taylor Swift lyrics and it’d be mostly this song. And if the lyrics aren’t terrible enough, it also blatantly copies the beat from Sunflower, the second-biggest hit of the year and a personal favorite. Like, a fellow critic remixed them together and the backing track is essentially unchanged.

And then we get to the gay stuff.

I’m not the first to point out that the underlying message of this song is pathetic at best and offensive at worst: “I have haters, and gays have haters, so we’re basically the same.” This is essentially Taylor Swift hoping she’ll get an invite to judge on RuPaul’s Drag Race.

There’s just kind of an eensy weensy problem.

Gay “haters” are like... ACTUALLY DANGEROUS.

They’re not just the goofy, protest-sign waving boomers she depicts in her music video. An internet comment is harmless. Homophobia isn’t. Homophobia leads to suicide, gets teens kicked out of their homes, causes hate crimes, it can cause incredibly serious harm. Someone sending you a fucking snake emoji isn’t the same as years and years of systematic oppression!

Does Taylor Swift have to worry about her safety when she tours in more conservative areas? Does she have to fear the possibility of losing friends and family ties when opening up about herself? Does she have to worry about letting the public see who she dates, beyond the usual celebrity drama? Do people shout slurs at her on the street? Do churches and politicians campaign against her right to marry?

Of course not.

Taylor Swift has always made everything about herself. She’s lied and been petty for years and years in her music. Imagine lying about KANYE. You don’t need to lie about fucking Kanye to make him look bad! He does it himself! She was the victim that time, and every time. But at no point until now did she stoop low enough to openly compare herself to oppressed groups because people are mean to her on the internet.

Like this isn’t even about articles or tabloids or anything, it’s about people being nasty online. The phrase “shade never made anybody less gay” is basically a crackhead way of diminishing our suffering. It’s not “shade” we’re worried about, Taylor, it’s having our fucking legal rights taken away. Your biggest worry is “haters”. Haters aren’t going to ban you from being married.

This song is phony, it’s a rip-off of a much better song that literally came out in the same year, it’s repetitive, it’s petty, and most of all, it tries to diminish the oppression of the LGBT+ community by boiling down all of our pain and suffering to simple “shade”.

I will not calm down.

Woo-ee. That was something alright. We’ll be moving onto the best list soon, if I don’t get caught up in my other quarantine activities.

[cbk1000]

Saturday, Sunday, fortnight, April, may, July, September, minutes, tomorrow, yesterday, today, forever :)

saturday: what gets you excited whilst writing? When I know where I want a plot point to end up, but I don’t know exactly how it’s going to get there, and I sit down to write and suddenly it just clicks beautifully into place. 

sunday: how frequently do you take requests or prompts, if at all? Very, very rarely, honestly. I have to really like an idea, because if I feel half-assed about it, I just can’t do anything with it. It amazes me that there are people on here who are basically prompt-filling automatons who can still spit out quality work even though they’ve already written like 50,000 pieces that week and they’re just taking whatever random anonymous request they’ve gotten and running with it. My brain is like, “Listen, you can write 500,000 words on this very specific niche topic and nothing else. Go ahead and try to write a cute little coffee shop AU, bitch. I’ll make you forget the entire fucking English language.”

fortnight: what wip do you plan on posting next, if at all? Well, for a while it’s going to be the Merlin fic I’m working on, because I’m deep into my medieval literature/Arthurian romance phase and I don’t seem to be coming up for air anytime soon.

april: have you ever written and/or posted a crackfic? I kind of feel like my Originals series was just a bunch of smaller crackfics all smushed together into one giant novel. Kol did kill people while dancing to Christina Aguilera, after all. And Klaus had a chariot built for himself and made his minions pull it like fucking horses. It was either me trying to be Literary and Deep or there was a musical number; there was no in between.

may: a fic you have regretted posting? I honestly regret most of the things I post because it makes me horribly self-conscious putting my work out into the world and I become overly fixated on the quality of it (or lack thereof) instead of just enjoying a lifelong hobby--but still here I am, cracking away, because I keep yearning for the Validation.

july: what’s the hottest fic you have written and/or posted if you write smut at all? Ooh; tough question. I think I’m pretty bad at writing sex, so I really don’t know. 

september: share a comment or review which still warms your heart? It’s a really long one, so I’ll just share part of it:

‘somehow the detail about the trees in the wind and the sunlight, right as Arthur dies... that knocked me tf out... um it like zooms you out from the very close tableau of just Arthur and merlin together in their own little world, and brings the perspective back out to like remind you that now its just merlin there, and he isn't safe in his little zone with Arthur anymore and theres a whole impartial world around him and it feels so viscerally lonely... how did you do that.... just by mentioning some trees........................’

I was really excited that someone thought I had evoked so much emotion with one small detail. The whole comment honestly made my fucking life and I still go back and reread it when I feel bad about my writing, but that particular section always gets me.

  minutes: how long does it normally take you to complete a fic? It really just depends. I can be a pretty fast writer because I type very quickly, but sometimes I have a lot of research to do on something and obviously that slows me down a bit. It also just depends upon how long a fic is. Although I did once write over 300,000 words in like three or four months; I think I was on crack.

tomorrow: favourite ways to write fluff? I like little teeny casual domestic details. Like someone just resting their feet in someone’s lap or even just casually sharing a chair. In one of my fics one character gets some ketchup on his chin and the other is basically like, “Wow, this fucking fool; totally would die for him.” Just little human moments instead of anything grandiose.

yesterday: favourite way to write angst? I hate the Misunderstanding™ and I’m a go big or go home kinda’ girl, so, oh, look, these two characters are in love and it’s beautiful but oh no guess what--it’s 1914, WWI time, bitch.

today: have you made any progress in any wips today? Not today; I write several days out of the week, but Mondays I’m usually dragging ass a bit so I give myself a break on this most unholy of weekdays.

forever: do you balance fic writing with original concept stuff? Not really; I tend to get absorbed in a single project and I’m just not good at juggling more than one story because then I feel like I’m cheating on the other one. Also, I can’t just, like, be casual and write a drabble. I have to write 500,000 words or I die.

[dailymusingsofamedic]

25th May 2020 - Orff

Carl Orff (1895-1982)

Gisei, Das Opfer (1913) https://open.spotify.com/album/74d2v19w4fuI8aPcRkVi99?si=MqdFYt9VRIuezbY-YEqMGg

‘O’ is another letter that doesn’t have huge amounts to offer in terms of composers. I’ve chosen Orff because I’m genuinely intrigued to see what else this composer has put out apart from Carmina Burana. I wonder if Orff suspected that his magnum opus would be used in every single ‘dramatic’ moment in reality TV for the intellectually challenged from now until presumably the end of time. You’ve all heard Camrina Burana, but what else did Orff do? I’ve chosen a fairly early work of his, written at just 18 years of age. It’s a story of a Japanese calligraphy teacher who kills one of his pupils, but not the right one, and his parents are sad, basically. Apparently heavily influenced (perhaps pillaged) from Debussy, it was not performed until 2010. Also, Orf is a viral skin infection passed to humans by infected sheep and goats, colloquially known as scabby mouth in the farming community. And who said I couldn’t get music and medicine into the same blog?

Get ready, this is a long one!

Above - do we think this might me set in Japan?

1.       Vorspiel: introduction. A very quiet and tender opening by the eerie female voices. Also with some windy noises. A few lines spread around the woodwind, and then things begin to get a bit more exciting with the introduction of the tune in the cello part (maybe viola). I think the choir are humming. I don’t know about Debussy, but the section from 1:35 sounds exactly like Ravel’s Daphnis et Chloe. Not quite as nice though. I mean, there’s no denying this overture is nice to listen to, and quite interesting, but it doesn’t sound new. Interesting trombone solo with wind machine. Aren’t they synonymous? Ehhhhh. 3:35 is a shock. Is this where the boy gets killed? No idea.

2.       Vorspiel: No demo yama. Right, so this is still the overture. The section with strings harp and female voices from about 0:56 is really cool, atmospheric. 1:36 sounds a bit ominous again, with tremolos, then some brass, then hahaha that tuba solo at the end is cracking me up. Firstly, is that all people think tubas can do. Plod plod bitch. Secondly, what happens to the sound at the end of the last note?? Is it a weird vibrato? Is it running out of air? It sounds like such a wispy sound considering the instrument it’s coming from.

3.       Vorspiel: Die Gottheit nahm das Opfer am. This means ‘the deity accepted the sacrifice’. That seems like a big plot point considering we’re still apparently in the overture. Or as google translate calls it: foreplay. Scary baritone and interesting textures with the brass in the next section, both muted and un-. Oh the singing sounds German, at least he used a real language in this opera. The accompaniment sounds like accompaniment, and by that I mean, I feel like there should be some singing over the top a lot of the time when there isn’t. Lots of lovely tuba. Ooooh 2:24 could be more in tune I think…it does sound quite high to be fair. Actually, the rest of the singing so far has been pretty good. Lots of hard Ts. 3:35 is a really interesting section, it’s very grand but then diminishes into being pretty scary again very well.

4.      Vorspiel: Dann…tiefste Nacht. Then deepest night. 0:13 onwards all feels a bit familiar as well, from other composers works. I have to say it doesn’t sounds very ‘deepest night’. The last movement did more. I had a heart attack at 1:21. There’s lots of variation over the next few minutes. I’d love to see what’s meant to be happening on stage. Without that, it does feel a little disjointed. The little harp scale up to 3:55 brings us to a really lovely section actually. That harmony’s interesting, as is the instrumentation. Laughed again at 5:05. How else would we know we were in japan if not for some exposed gong/tamtam notes? It’s tuned for the singer to come in at least! “Doot Doot Doot” is fun. Then the shit hits the fan.  The orchestral accompaniment does sounds at times a little like a concerto for orchestra, with solos from bassoon, tuba, double basses. It’s nicely written. Again the end of this part feels like I need to be watching something alongside it. The texture at the end is fantastic. I don’t know what’s playing but I like it.

Above - Cut the vorspiel, I’m ready for the main event. Also, if you look closely you can see the TV I’m thinking of buying. 

5.       Oper: introduction. Ok so we’re into the actual opera now. Well, nearly, we’ve finished foreplay anyway. Nice controlled accelerando, and the clarinet part’s pretty cool, before we’re back to the first section. I like this so far. A great introduction to the meat of the work.

6.       Oper: Wollt ihr Ruhe halten. Or as my other half often says to me when they’ve run out of my favourite dim sum at Ping Pong: ‘Do you want to keep calm?’. Solo violin pretending to be a butterfly (Schmetterling) isn’t very nice. I’ve never heard a butterfly sound like that. The duet from 1:15 is lovely, however brief.

7.       Oper: Sakura! Sakura! I’m hoping this is how star of Rupaul’s Drag Race Season 12; Rock M Sakura got her name, but I feel like the reference may be a little niche. Starts off with the waily woman from the last movement. Now she’s wailing ‘Sakura’ though. Who is Sakura? I feel like actually this could do with a little more accompaniment than just harp. The singer is a little overpowering at times, although her pianos are really soft and well done.

Above - life imitating art.

8.       Oper: Ist’s erlaubt? It’s allowed. What’s allowed? A synopsis would really ameliorate my listening experience I’m sure, but that’s effort, and I can’t read, type, and listen at the same time. Another excellent tuba demonstration at 0:25. There’s a nice cough at 0:59. Is this a live recording? Maybe this is the only time it’s ever been performed. Are trombone chords every in tune? Not according to 1:53 of this. 2:33 all gets a bit exciting briefly. The string entry at 3:15 is very inaccurate. That must be the violas. More out of tune trombone at 4:03. I feel like the orchestra are maybe sight-reading because they know this isn’t going to be a roaring success…Again 5:00 onwards is very directionless. All jokes aside, the tamtam playing is great, and the sound is dampened at exactly the right time. It’s really effective. At 6:02 what is happening? Is that two tubas? Or a tuba and something else being badly played, out of tune on top. I can’t tell, but it’s bad. HA that dramatic ending is then followed by one solitary note on the tamtam which sounds very much like an accident.

9.       Oper: Sei nicht mehr Traurig. Don’t be sad any more. Or, what Alex says to me 2 weeks after we went out for that dim sum-less meal. Interesting harmony. Quite waily again though.

10.       Oper: Oh! Bauerngeischter. Oh! Peasant hunt!!! That is not what I was expecting. Oh wait, it’s actually Bauerngesichter – peasant faces, much better. Fanfare central. Maybe it is a peasant hunt too? Bassoon trills are fun. I have absolutely no clue what that is 0:38. If anyone could enlighten me, I would be very grateful. Is it a contrabassoon played high? I honestly have no clue; it could even be stringed at a push. Beefy last note though. I mostly spend the rest of this movement wondering what that instrument was. I can’t find the bloody instrumentation anywhere. Snapped out of my stupor by laughing at the random extra tuba note at 3:11. HERE IT IS AGAIN at 3:46. So weird, so out of tune in the higher portions. That’s why it’s on its own I think.

Above - Orf; why you should wash your hands at the petting zoo!!

11.       Oper: Hinter uns lag die Stadt. The city was behind us. If you listen carefully at 0:02 you can hear the tuba player stick his hand in a crisp packet. Nice combination of the bass, and high register of the harp, I like that quite a lot. It’s more interesting than the bass and tuba duet afterwards. 2:00 is straight out of Daphnis again for 2 seconds. The trombone chord at 3:22 is eventually in tune, but it doesn’t start that way.

12.       Oper: Ihr wart doch heut’ beim Mahl des Bonzen? If you had given me 1,000 goes at guessing this translation, I would never have come out with the correct answer: You were eating the fat cat today? This seems to be a rather rude question judging by the bloke’s reaction. This baritone bit is quite recitative-y, I just wish I could understand what they were saying. From 2:00, the orchestral parts are exciting, if a little forced. 2:50, we see this weird tuba vibe again. And the chord at 3:06 is actually really nice, as Roxxxy Andrews would say: thick and juicy. String entry at 3:30 is very messy again. Another heart attack at 4:48. So screechy. More of the same until the end.

13.       Oper: Entlasst nun eure Schuler, Genzo. Now release your students Genzo. Heard across the country in March, when money-grabbing boarding schools tried to keep their students during the pandemic for ‘safety’ reasons. More tuba. 0:14 – what is this person playing at. The entry of this mysterious companion of the half decent tuba sounds like they flutter-tongue that entry. I often joke “Oh I could do a better job” but in this case, I think I actually could. IS it just a low horn? I can’t tell. Lots of to-and-fro between a couple of the men now, but I don’t know what about. One sounds much angrier than the other. I assume the calligrapher is the friendly sounding one, but that’s a very stereotypical assumption.

14.       Oper: Hm! Seltsam! Hm! Strange! You’re telling me. Nice little bit of spoken word. It’s actually nicer than hearing them belting all the time. There’s a glass harmonium or some glasses being played at 0:50, sounds quite cool. Probably not worth the expense of renting one. Christ, calm down at 1:08. They briefly switch to English at 1:53, but ‘can shoe size’ doesn’t make much sense, or is at least very cryptic. Someone undoes their Velcro shoe at 3:09, maybe that’s what it’s referring to. 3:34 is nice, and I get the Debussy vibes here. Again at 4:00.

15.       Oper: Macht auf! Macht auf! Open Up! X2. Orff does love whacking two very low instruments next to each other and just hoping they can play in tune. Spoiler alert, they can’t. I like the dramatic knocking on the door. Just sing, love, it’s louder. The lady sounds worried about something. If only I knew what. 2:09 is fun. The chord at 3:23 sounds exactly like what you would hear in a film set in Transylvania when the camera pans to Dracula’s house. More shit low playing at several more points in the next section. 4:50 to the end is great actually.

16.       Oper: Die Sonne sinkt! The sun is setting (I assume, I didn’t actually look that one up). The tuba and miscellaneous other instrument’s last hurrah before a random piano plays 3 chords, someone coughs and the strings forget to come in; all before 1:00. Why is there now a piano? Wouldn’t the harp have done the same job? The end is quite simple, but it sounds nice. Although the last chord is uncomfortable and sounds very unfinished. Deliberately I’m sure.

Overall – 6/10. Well that was a couple of hours of my life I will never get back. I’m perhaps being harsh because opera obviously isn’t meant to be just heard, and with the right staging, and acting and me being able to understand the plot, it might be a nice little work. A lot of the problems I have with this are actually with the playing rather than the writing, although many of the tuning issues may be attributable to weird instrumentation. Either way, it’s certainly got areas of interest, but there’s lots of weak parts too. It’s not going to be accompanying the talentless droves on the X-Factor any time soon, put it that way.

Below is what Orff intended for his music, in its purest form:

[2017mdia4120-blog]

Kirsten Cupach

Part 1

1) My first memory of social media use is communicating with friends on AOL instant messenger, or AIM. My username was krazikay214. Everyday after school, I’d log onto AIM and begin chatting with friends about absolutely nothing, essentially. I can recall spending hours on my “buddy info”, an “about me” section that utilized different fonts, colors and gifs.

My first memory of social media use by a family member is my cousin’s MySpace. At that time, my dad forbid my sister and I from signing up for MySpace, so instead, we’d watch my cousin scroll through her own account for hours, organizing and reorganizing her “top friends list” and stalking her crush.

2)   The first blog I can remember following consistently was The Sartorialist, a fashion blog by photographer Scott Schuman. At that time, I had dreams of becoming a fashion journalist. Schuman’s job as a fashion blogger most closely mirrored my career goals at that time. His blog was my inspiration, and eventually, I began a blog similar to his. I’d photograph pictures of my friends and analyze eachs outfit, clothing piece by clothing piece. Eventually, my interest in fashion faded and my blog fell through. I still scroll through The Sartorialist on occasion, however.

In hindsight, I applaud my younger self for finding inspiration in such a modern way. While I did follow fashion magazines, The Sartorialist was my go-to for the latest trends, new designers and fashion do’s and don’t’s. To this day, I don’t follow any blogs as closely as I did The Sartorialist. The blogs I do read, however, are similar in that they are quite niche. Most of the blogs I read today are feminist blogs, like Bitch Media’s Bitch Blog and Everyday Feminism. The content specifically differs from that of The Sartorialist, but both empower women, just in different ways.

3) To prepare for a career in social media, I’ve enrolled in the social media certificate program, which has helped me understand the aspects of social media, social media techniques and so much more. I’ve also been lucky to be given two internships that had me running and analyzing each company’s social media presence. My first internship, I worked for Eversource Energy in New Hampshire working in the communication department. My second internship, I worked for Dominion East Ohio Natural Gas Company in Cleveland in the public affairs department. In addition, I’ve garnered a strong social media presence on Twitter with nearly 600 followers. Furthermore, I am connected on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, Reddit and Pinterest.

Part 2

1 )  

1 - Social media has completely changed the relationship between buyer and seller. Social media is becoming less and less of a “luxury” and more an absolute essential for companies. According to the website for The Consumerist, 70 percent of consumers rely on online reviews before making a purchase. According to the Wall Street Journal, 5,000 surveyed shoppers made 51 percent of their purchases online. This data suggests that a brand’s online presence is essential. Companies like Denny’s and Netflix, for example, have successfully garnered huge social media followings due to their humourous and consistent Twitter presence. Social media is a means of customer service, marketing opportunities and the opportunity to hear what their consumers have to say and make the proper adjustments to their products.

2 - Social media users have also changed the way money is shared, with apps such as Venmo and SquareCash making exchanging money incredibly easy. Both allow people to simply exchange money, but both incorporate social aspects, as well. Because your friends are able to follow your transactions, naming each transaction has become an art. These sorts of apps make it incredibly simple for people to exchange money. For my roommates and I, SquareCash has made paying our bills simple and stress-free.

3 - Social media users have completely changed the definition of the word “relationship” through their use of social media. Apps like Tinder and Grindr have given users the opportunity to essentially “shop” for hookups or significant others. Television shows like Catfish have cashed in on the growing presence of online romantic relationship.

2 )

1-  Kroger has recently incorporated something called Clicklist. Basically, shoppers are able to go online, order their groceries and pick them up without having to leave their car. It’s technologies like this and the data mentioned above surrounding the ways in which consumers shop that lead me to believe that the way people shop will completely change in the next few years. In my opinion, traditional methods of shopping will become obsolete as more and more people begin to take advantage of opportunities like Clicklist and the convenience of online shopping. The introduction of Cyber Monday in recent years is yet another example of the changing trends in shopping. Who wouldn’t prefer the comfort of his or her own home over the crowded parking lots on Black Friday? Social shopping is making shopping easier, as well. Facebook and  Instagram have both adopted “in-line buy buttons,” according to The New York Observer, that allow shoppers to make purchases within the social media app instead of being taken to the store’s website.

2 - Virtual reality will continue to become more mainstream. Facebook as already adopted a “VR-esque” feature that allows users to maneuver through panorama pictures. In my opinion, more and more apps will begin to adopt similar features. Social media users will soon be able to record their adventures and experiences, post them to his or her account and allow others to share in his or her adventure or experience through virtual reality. Virtual reality will also change the way gaming apps are played. In the same way video game companies are adopting virtual reality to enhance the gamers’ experience, app developers will begin incorporating means of virtual reality into games.

3 - Technologies like Apple Pay will take off and wallets will become a thing of the past. In my opinion, one of the biggest reasons it has yet to take off is because of security concerns. According to Richard Eldridge, CEO of Lenddo, “The biggest challenge is maintaining security standards and ensuring customers knowingly provide personal information. Banks will also have to implement sophisticated social media policies.” Even more impressive is Amazon’s “no checkout” grocery store. According to the website for USA Today, Amazon is testing a grocery store in downtown Seattle where customers walk in, shop, and walk out without having to wait in line. According to the USA Today article, “Customers tap their cellphones on a turnstile as they walk into the store, which logs them into the store’s network and connects to their Amazon account through an app.”

Sources

The Consumerist

https://consumerist.com/2015/06/03/nearly-70-of-consumers-rely-on-online-reviews-before-making-a-purchase/

The Wall Street Journal

http://www.wsj.com/articles/survey-shows-rapid-growth-in-online-shopping-1465358582

Kroger, Clicklist

https://www.kroger.com/onlineshopping/signin?redirectUrl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.kroger.com%2Fstorecatalog%2Fservlet%2FOnlineShoppingStoreSetup

The New York Observer

http://observer.com/2016/01/5-big-changes-coming-to-social-media-in-2016/

Richard Eldridge

https://www.weforum.org/agenda/2016/04/how-social-media-is-shaping-financial-services

USA Today

http://www.usatoday.com/story/tech/news/2016/12/05/amazon-go-supermarket-no-checkout-no-cashiers-artificial-intelligence-sensors/94991612/