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eddie-redmayne-italian-blog · 4 years

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The Long Journey and Intense Urgency of Aaron Sorkin's 'The Trial of the Chicago 7'

by Rebecca Keegan September 23, 2020, 6:00 am PDT

The director of the Netflix film, which stars Sacha Baron Cohen, Jeremy Strong, Eddie Redmayne and Yahya Abdul-Mateen II, reveals why it took nearly 20 years to get the project about the politically motivated prosecution of protestors made and why it couldn't be more timely: "I never imagined today would go so much like 1968."

In October 2019, hundreds of protesters marched down Chicago’s Michigan Avenue toward the Hilton, chanting phrases like "No justice, no peace!" and "A people united will never be defeated!" as police in riot gear descended on the crowd with billy clubs and tear gas. Earnest and energized, clad in 1960s period costumes and flanked by vintage police vehicles, this group thought they were acting out the past, staging a scene from Aaron Sorkin’s The Trial of the Chicago 7. As it turned out, they were performing the future, too.

Sorkin’s film, which opens in select theaters Sept. 25 and hits Netflix on Oct.  16, tells the story of the riots at the 1968 Chicago Democratic National Convention and the circus-like trial of political activists that followed the next year. Thanks to Hollywood development hell, the movie is arriving 14  years after Steven Spielberg first mentioned the idea to Sorkin but just as its themes and plot points — civil unrest, a self-proclaimed "law and order" president’s vilification of protesters (Nixon then, Trump now), the police’s excessive use of force, tensions within the Democratic Party over how far left to move — have become bracingly current."I never wanted the film to be about 1968," Sorkin says in an interview over Zoom from his house in the Hollywood Hills on Labor Day weekend. "I never wanted it to be an exercise in nostalgia or a history lesson. I wanted it to be about today. But I never imagined that today would get so much like 1968."For only the second time in a career spanning nine films as a screenwriter, Sorkin serves as director with Chicago 7, helming a sprawling ensemble cast that includes Eddie Redmayne as anti-war activist Tom Hayden, Sacha Baron Cohen as Youth International Party (Yippie) provocateur Abbie Hoffman, Succession’s Jeremy Strong as counterculture figure Jerry Rubin and Watchmen’s Yahya Abdul-Mateen II as Black Panther party co-founder Bobby Seale. There are undeniable parallels not only between the film and the present political moment but also between the performance-art activism of the actors and the men they’re playing, most vividly Cohen, who, like Hoffman, has made a career of political self-expression through comedic stunts, including crashing a far-right rally in Olympia, Washington, this summer while pretending to be a racist country singer. (Cohen, who shoots most of his satirical projects incognito, impishly calls reports of his appearance at the rally "fake news.")Eight months after Sorkin filmed the protest scenes in Chicago, Abdul-Mateen was marching in Black Lives Matter protests in West Hollywood, as was Strong in Brooklyn. "There’s power when a lot of people come together to protest out of anger, out of frustration," Abdul-Mateen says. "Everybody has a role in the revolution; this film shows that.

"Though the movie feels crafted for this political moment, it was born of another. At Sorkin’s first meeting with Spielberg, "I remember him saying, 'It would be great if we could have this out before the election,'" Sorkin says. The election Spielberg was talking about was 2008’s, when Barack Obama and Joe Biden faced John McCain and Sarah Palin.The film hit multiple roadblocks, beginning with the 2007-08 writers strike and continuing as financing faltered repeatedly, a fate illustrated by the more than 30 producers who can claim some sort of credit on Chicago 7. It took another unscheduled detour this summer after Sorkin finished it as the pandemic worsened, and the odds of original distributor Paramount mounting a successful theatrical release before the Nov. 3 election seemed increasingly slim. For some involved with the film, there is a question about the ethics of Hollywood inviting audiences to return to theaters before a COVID-19 vaccine is widely available. "

There’s a moral quandary that we, the motion picture business, have to be careful that we don’t become the tobacco industry, where we’re encouraging people to do something we know is potentially lethal," says Cohen.Before his visit to Spielberg’s Pacific Palisades home to discuss the project on a Saturday afternoon in 2006, Sorkin knew next to nothing about the Chicago 7. The federal government had charged seven defendants — Hoffman, Rubin, Hayden, David Dellinger, Rennie Davis, John Froines and Lee Weiner — with conspiracy for their participation in the protests against the Vietnam War outside the Democratic National Convention. (Originally the men were known as the Chicago 8 and included Seale, who asked to have his trial separated from that of the others and postponed so that he could be represented by his preferred lawyer, who was ill; that trial never took place.)

When Spielberg proposed a movie about the riots and the trial that followed, Sorkin, who was 7 in 1968, said, "'You know, that sounds great. Count me in.' As soon as I left his house, I called my father and said, 'Dad, do you know anything about a riot that happened in 1968 or a crazy conspiracy trial that followed?' I was just saying yes to Steven."Despite his ignorance, Sorkin was a logical choice to write the project: Having penned Broadway’s A Few Good Men and its 1992 film adaptation as well as the long-running NBC series West Wing, he’d shown a flair for dramatizing courtroom procedures and liberal politics, and he turned in his first draft of the Chicago 7 script in 2007. Originally, Spielberg planned to direct the project himself, but by the time the writers strike was over, he had moved on and a number of other potential directors circled, including Paul Greengrass, Ben Stiller, Peter Berg and Gary Ross, though none was able to get it off the ground. "There was just a feeling that, 'Look, this isn’t an Avengers film,'" Sorkin says of the studios' move away from midbudget dramas and toward action tentpoles in the 2010s. "This isn’t an easy sell at the box office. And there are big scenes, riots, crowd scenes. How can this movie be done for the budget that makes sense for what the expectation is at the box office?"As the project languished, Sorkin tried writing it as a play, ultimately spending 18 months on a fruitless effort to fashion a stage treatment. "What I didn’t like was having a script in my drawer," he says. "I was just thinking, 'Jeez, this is a good movie and it feels like it’s stillborn.'"It was the confluence of two events that ultimately revived the film with Sorkin in the director’s chair in 2018 — the 2016 election of Donald Trump and the 2017 release of Sorkin’s well-received directorial debut, Molly’s Game, which doubled its production budget at the box office. "This is before George Floyd and Breonna Taylor and police protests or confrontations," Sorkin says. "This is just when Donald Trump was musing nostalgically about the old days when they used to carry that guy [a protester] out of here on a stretcher and punch the crap out of him."With Trump’s throwback rhetoric lending the subject matter a new timeliness and Sorkin’s directing chops confirmed in Spielberg’s eyes, the movie moved forward with its screenwriter at the helm.

Cross Creek Pictures came in to finance, and Paramount bought the domestic rights. But all those years in development had left an expensive imprint on the project — a jaw-dropping $11  million had been spent on casting costs, producing fees and the optioning of Brett Morgen’s 2007 documentary about the event, Chicago 10, leaving just $24  million for the actual 36-day production.

One way Sorkin attempts to achieve a sense  of scope despite that budget is by intercutting real black-and-white news footage with his dramatized protests. He rounded out his large cast with a deep bench of experienced and award-winning actors including Oscar winner Mark Rylance as defense attorney William Kunstler, Oscar nominee Frank Langella as Judge Julius Hoffman, Joseph Gordon-Levitt as prosecutor Richard Schultzand, Oscar nominee Michael Keaton as former U.S. Attorney General Ramsey Clark — with the filmmaker and many of his actors working for scale. (Abdul-Mateen and Strong both became first-time Emmy winners Sept.  20.)Sorkin shot the protest scenes on location in Chicago and built a courtroom set in an old church sanctuary in Paterson, New Jersey, because none of the available courtroom locations in the Garden State conveyed the scope he wanted. "If we’re saying the whole world is watching, I want a packed courtroom for six months full of press and spectators," Sorkin says. "I wanted the big, cavernous feeling of the federal government and its power coming down on these people."

Julian Wasser/The LIFE Images Collection via Getty Images/Getty Images "The movie is tribute to the bravery of the protesters of 1968 [pictured] and today in Belarus, on the streets of America, in Portland," says Cohen.

Among the vestiges of Spielberg’s original plan was the casting of Cohen as Hoffman, which required the London native to affect a Boston accent and return to a subject he had studied as an undergraduate at Christ’s College in Cambridge, where he wrote a thesis paper about Jewish activists during the civil rights movement. At 19, Cohen had interviewed Bob Moses, the leader of the Student Nonviolent Coordinating Committee, which Hoffman was involved in before he founded the anti-war Yippie movement. "Honestly, I was very proud of the fact that Jews were involved in the Black civil rights movement in the '60s, and there wasn’t much written about it," Cohen says, explaining his youthful scholarship.

There’s a clear line to draw between Hoffman’s 1960s theatrics — which included throwing fistfuls of money into the gallery of the New York Stock Exchange and vowing to levitate the Pentagon — and Cohen’s contemporary TV and film pranks. Perhaps among Cohen’s most memorable and pointed gags was getting Vice President Dick Cheney to gleefully autograph a waterboard kit, which the comic did while posing as an admiring Israeli anti-terror expert for a 2018 episode of Who Is America?, his Showtime series. “What I wanted to do was to show that he was proud of torturing," Cohen says. "I could not believe how happy Cheney was to be sitting next to an uber-fan. So, yes. Ultimately in the shows and the movies that I do, I’m trying to be funny, but yeah, I’m trying to get out the anger that I have within me."

Cohen sees Hoffman’s unorthodox protest methods as pragmatic. "The Yippies were underfunded, and he was using theatricality to gain attention for his aims," Cohen says. "He wanted to stop the war. And how do you do that? You use stunts and absurdist humor to try to effect change." The actor estimates that, after researching Hoffman, he pitched Sorkin hundreds of lines the activist had really delivered. "As an annoying person with a lot of chutzpah, I was emailing Aaron every other night until morning, 'What about this line? What about this line?'" Cohen says. The writer-director, known for his exacting prose, politely tolerated the suggestions while largely sticking to his own script.

As Rubin, Strong is playing Hoffman’s conscientious jester sidekick, a role wildly different from the tragic, wealthy approval seeker he portrays on Succession. Strong added some of his own dramatic flourishes, including painting words on his chest for one courtroom scene and bringing a remote-controlled fart machine to disrupt Langella’s imperious judge. "I wanted to channel as much as possible that spirit of the merry prankster and of joyous dissent," Strong says. Hoffman and Rubin’s real-life personae were so large that Sorkin at times asked his actors to dial down their faithful portrayals, requesting, after one particularly jubilant take, "less cowbell."

Sorkin’s script draws a sharp contrast between Hoffman and Rubin’s campy methods and Hayden’s more reserved approach to the anti-war movement, with the tensions between Hoffman and Hayden supplying the film’s key relationship in a kind of begrudging brotherhood of the peace movement. To learn more about Hayden, Redmayne studied remarks that Jane Fonda, who was married to the activist and politician from 1973 to 1990, made upon his death in 2016. In his own life, Redmayne is cautious when it comes to discussing the role that he, as an actor at the center of a huge studio franchise (Warner Bros.’ Fantastic Beasts) might have in political life. "I find it endlessly challenging," Redmayne says of navigating his public activism. "There’s the elitist thing. It’s speaking up on climate change but being conscious that you’re traveling a lot. One has to be aware of one’s own hypocrisies, because they can be detrimental to something you believe in. So sometimes I find that I have to live my life and speak to my advocacy in a way in that it’s around friends, family and people I know rather than making something public."

Abdul-Mateen has begun his acting career largely associated with fantastical roles, like Dr. Manhattan on HBO’s Watchmen, Black Manta in Aquaman and Candyman in the upcoming Jordan Peele-produced remake of the slasher film. Playing Seale represented a chance to do more grounded work and to depict a man who had loomed large during Abdul-Mateen’s childhood in Oakland, where Seale co-founded the Black Panthers in 1966 and later ran for mayor. Seale’s inclusion in the original Chicago riots indictment was controversial and strange — prosecutors accused him of conspiring with men he’d never met after visiting Chicago that week for only a few hours to deliver a speech. For the prosecution, Seale functioned largely as a prop to tap into the fears of white jurors and white Americans watching the news coverage, and during the trial he had no attorney. "I wanted to key in on, how did Bobby Seale survive this trial?" Abdul-Mateen says. "How did he survive the gross mistreatment by the United States government, and how did he go through that with his head high and not be broken? It was an exercise in finding my pride, finding my dignity."

In one scene, Seale is brought into the courtroom bound and gagged, and throughout the trial he is kept separate from the white defendants. "Although it was meant to be a humiliating act, I walked out with my chest high, with my head high. Bound and gagged and everything else. It would be very dangerous for a Black man in that time, even sometimes today, to show the proof of the wear and tear that oppression can take on a person, because that can be seen as a sign of weakness, and a sign of weakness is an open door that it’s working." For the moments of lightness that Cohen and Strong bring to the movie, Abdul-Mateen supplies ballast. "It’s important for the right reasons and at the right time to make art that makes people uncomfortable," he says.

Niko Tavernise/NETFLIX. On the set, from left, Yahya Abdul-Mateen II, Mark Rylance, Ben Shenkman, Aaron Sorkin and Eddie Redmayne

Spielberg has remained involved in the film "in an emeritus role," Sorkin says, "from giving me good script notes to casting to notes on early cuts of the film." He also showed up to the New Jersey courtroom set. "When you have to direct a scene in front of Steven Spielberg, you’re not at your most relaxed necessarily," Sorkin says. Spielberg did not, however, take an executive producing credit on the film and declined to be interviewed about it.

The decision to switch to a streaming release came after an early summer marketing strategy call between Sorkin, Paramount chief Jim Gianopulos, other Paramount execs and some of the film’s producers. "At the end of the call, Jim said, 'Listen, we don’t know what the theater business is going to look like in the fall. We have troubling data telling us that the first people back in movie theaters are going to be the people who think that the coronavirus is a hoax,'" Sorkin says. This was clearly not the intended audience for a movie whose heroes are liberal activists. "I said, 'I don’t think the Idaho militia are going to be the first people coming to this movie,'" Sorkin says.

The group agreed to explore alternatives and gave Netflix, Amazon, Apple and Hulu 24 hours to watch the film. After a bidding war, Chicago 7 landed at Netflix in a $56  million deal against its $35  million production budget, with a robust marketing campaign and promise of a theatrical release. "We knew we didn’t have the option of 'Let’s wait a year,'" Sorkin says. "This is what we’re thinking about and what we’re talking about right now, and it just would have been a real shame to not release it now."

After Chicago 7 opens in limited release, Netflix will add more theaters in the U.S. and abroad throughout October, expanding upon the film’s premiere on the service, a strategy akin to what it provided Oscar best picture nominees The Irishman and Roma, albeit in a wildly different theatrical environment.

As Hollywood opens up to more production, Sorkin, and many of the Chicago 7 actors, have begun returning to work. Abdul-Mateen has been in Berlin for The Matrix 4 and Redmayne in London for Fantastic Beasts 3, while Sorkin is shooting a West Wing reunion special at the Orpheum Theatre in downtown L.A. that will premiere on HBO Max in October as a fundraiser for When We All Vote and include video appearances by Michelle Obama, Bill Clinton and Lin-Manuel Miranda

For the real-life Chicago 7, the denouement consisted of ultimately being acquitted of conspiracy. Judge Hoffman sentenced Seale to four years in prison for contempt of court, one of the longest sentences ever handed down for that offense in the U.S., but those charges were overturned on appeal. Just three of the original eight defendants — Seale, Froines and Weiner — are still alive, but the legacy of the case lives on in contemporary protest movements. "The movie is tribute to the bravery of the protesters of 1968 and the protesters of today in Belarus, on the streets of America, in Portland," Cohen says. "These people now are risking their lives, and they’ll continue risking them."

https://www.hollywoodreporter.com/features/the-trial-of-the-chicago-7-aaron-sorkin-and-stars-on-films-timeliness-to-election-and-why-everybody-has-a-role-in-the-revolution

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animationforce · 4 years

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Helen McCarthy and the importance of women in anime and manga fandoms

(This interview took place in 2019, now published for the first time in a two-part series. Read part one here.)

A longtime fan of Japanese comics, British writer Helen McCarthy was determined to showcase women’s place in art and fandom.

Before she achieved acclaim as a manga expert, McCarthy experienced significant sexism in the world of publishing. In the ‘80s and ‘90s, comics and cartoons were considered “kids’ stuff," therefore no specialized knowledge was required to review or write about them. As a result, publications reviewing manga often gave assignments to male staff instead of paying a specialty (or female) freelancer.

“My personal issues with sexism really aren't different from anyone else's, and sadly things haven't changed enough in almost 40 years,” McCarthy said via email. “Patronizing, condescending gatekeepers, both male and female, remarks about my appearance, questions about my personal life, uninvited chat-ups, the lot. I had no physically unpleasant experiences because despite being small and apparently defenseless, I am sarcastic, loud and threatening when necessary.”

To combat this sexism and gatekeeping, McCarthy made Anime UK gender neutral as a matter of policy. It made sense to do so, as very few writers at the time had working knowledge of Japanese animation. Today, however anime and manga news sources like Anime News Network (ANN) are typically open to hiring anyone who has the skills they require.

But despite that inclusivity, McCarthy added that “women starting out in the field seem to face more active hostility and negativity. It baffled me that those attitudes come both from a section of the male anime community and from women who collaborate with patriarchal views, or men impersonating women online.”

While women have always existed in the world of anime and manga, as artists, fans, or anything in between, they have never been the majority. In recent years, women have claimed space for themselves in manga fandom, and are “very feisty, very vocal and very well organized,” McCarthy noted.

McCarthy recalled a group of young teen women who created an anime-focused zine, developing a space for girls like themselves. A number of those artists are now scholars, professionals, and “just astonishing people.” There is also a cohort of Western manga artists who were teenagers when McCarthy began writing about Japanese animation in English. Among those remarkable women are Leah Holmes who is working on her PhD and studying the unrecorded early history of anime in the UK, as well as artists Laura Watton, Emmeline Dobson, and Mary Beaird whose Elephant, Elephant, Hippo, Rhino…? comic strip is a favorite of McCarthy’s.

More than 30 years later, McCarthy sees the fandom as a much more inclusive place where women can not only claim their right to be there, but have their own space. Sites like Crunchyroll, My Anime List, Naruto Forums, as well as a long list of fan-made forums and social media platforms, have provided anime and manga fans with the space to get together and discuss the things that they love without fear of being ostracized. This space has allowed female fans to showcase their prolific commitment to the genre.

“Now I see young women claiming their rights, staking their claim in anime and manga fandoms,” McCarthy said. “[They’re] producing amazing artwork, producing amazing costumes. And the great thing is that there are now more and more young men who are willing to work with them on their own terms."

Despite the strides that women have made in the world of anime and manga fandoms, there is still significant misogyny and sexism within the genre. Although some stories feature a strong female protagonist (and sometimes multiple female protagonists), problematic, sexist tropes exist throughout manga/anime. As user Zylania noted on the forum Amino, women are often portrayed as stupid, defenseless damsels in distress. Their breasts are often oversized, distracting focal points for male characters and, in some cases, the women don’t even have heads or faces to differentiate themselves. In some anime and manga, females are never shown above the neck. Additionally, the increasingly popular Ahegao shirts — a term from hentai (Japanese pornography) for a woman’s often exaggerated orgasm face—are sold at manga/anime conventions, which puts female sexuality under a distinctly male gaze.

“Japan is a modern, developed society like America, Russia and Europe, and racism and sexism are not exactly dead in any of those areas,” McCarthy explained via email. “It's a combination of centuries of male privilege and prioritizing the male gaze and male concerns. The attitudes and history that gave the Internet the Captain Marvel trolling incident are alive and well all over the world. Most Japanese people have very good manners, which can make it seem as if outdated attitudes like that couldn't possibly exist there, but Japan isn't some fairyland where everyone is magically polite, reasonable and politically correct, except in our dreams.”

However, feminist women and works do exist in the genre, though it can be difficult to find them. San from the film Princess Mononoke and Major from Ghost in Shell are two characters often referenced by fans who are looking for strong, iconic women. McCarthy said Princess Mononoke is Hayao Miyazaki’s best example of a feminist character, since San does not rely on a man (Ashitaka) to rescue her and exists independently from male characters. San is free to live as she pleases and does not ultimately “belong” to Ashitaka by the end of the film.

So how can a feminist watch anime and still be empowered? McCarthy encourages women to watch everything they can. “Women in the fandom have to know what’s going on outside of what they’re watching. If you don’t know what the men in the community are watching, you can’t combat the concepts they are being given about you as a woman,” she said.

McCarthy encouraged feminist anime fans to be fearless. “You decide what's feminist and what isn't. I hope that that encourages a few other young feminists to go out and do what they do so beautifully, which is just be great women.”

After decades spent writing books and articles, and making appearances, McCarthy has spent the last 10 years slowing down. McCarthy is most concerned that the work she’s doing is worth being done—and being done well.

She has devoted her life to advocating for inclusivity in fandom and hopes to pave the way for other women to follow in her footsteps. McCarthy encourages other women to embrace their potential, especially as men become more in tune with the equality presented through feminism.

“My response to anyone who tells me they can do better work that I do — and trust me, there have been and are a lot of them — is to say, ‘Please, do it,’” McCarthy wrote. “I absolutely love reading great work by other people. I will be delighted to read yours, either right now or when you stop wasting your time sniping at other people and get around to writing it.”

READ PART ONE HERE

Amanda Finn is a Chicago based freelance journalist who spends a lot of evenings in the theater. She is a proud member of the American Theatre Critics Association. Her work has been found in Ms. Magazine, American Theatre Magazine, the Wisconsin State Journal, Footlights, Newcity and more. She can be found on Medium and Twitter as @FinnWrites as well as her website Amanda-Finn.com.

#anime #manga #japanese animation #women in animation #helen mccarthy #amanda finn

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my-one-love-is-music · 6 years

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Summary: Jason and Tim hated each other. Their friends new this. But when they end up in the same history class, their differences have to be put aside when they're assigned seats next to each other and their teacher has strict requirements for partner discussion and a group project. But there's something else that worries Tim about being partnered with Jason. Their history teacher is notorious for pairing up people she thinks will end up getting married one day. But surely, she can't know that...right?

A/N: I am so happy to finally get to share this fic! This was part of my 2018 Nanowrimo project and the second of three fics I wrote. I loved the concept and I'm starting to wonder if I've run out of useful high school aus because they all seem to be enemies to friends to lovers nowadays and I'm sure y'all are getting bored with that....But I was also so happy to do a collab for this project and one of my good friends drew the cover art for this. Sadly, he no longer has a tumblr I can direct you to to give him the love and support he deserves but I will definitely pass on all the praise that he deserves because the cover art is amazing and I am in love with it.

Also on AO3!

Tim sneered as he turned the corner and spotted Jason leaning against the locker next to Kori, his arm pressed against the metal row of lockers and giving everyone a look at his lean torso encased in a tight tee.

“Don’t look like you’re going to die just from being in the same space as him,” Steph muttered, catching the look he was giving him.

“He’s annoying. And full of himself. He doesn’t even care about school, so I don’t know why he’s here. He skips class all the time,” Tim muttered.

Steph raised an eyebrow. “And you’re one to talk? Tim you’ve skipped class to sleep in the back of the library before. You have no idea where he goes.”

“I’ve caught him behind the school during fifth period. I bet he smokes.”

“Have you ever smelled cigarette smoke on him? Or better yet, seen him with a lit cigarette in his hand?” Steph huffed.

“Well, no, but-“

“But nothing. Don’t make people into villains when you have no idea what they’re doing. He could have a study hall fifth period. You’re the one who was cutting class when you saw him back there.”

“Since when are you on his side?” Tim scoffed as they turned the corner and Jason was finally out of sight again.

“I’m just saying that you’ve judged him a while and maybe you should try and get to know him before you hold a grudge for life against him.”

Tim rolled his eyes as he pushed into his afternoon class. “It’s not like I’m going to see him after high school anyway so what difference does it make?”

“You never know,” Steph grumbled, making a beeline for the space next to the teacher’s desk that had a small chair tucked away. The one positive of them being in the same class Steph was TA-ing in was that they got to see each other. The drawback was that Tim would have to do actual work while she got to fuck around.

“Not so fast,” Ms. Edwards said as Tim approached the last aisle. “What’s your name?”

Tim checked a groan. This was going to be one of those teachers. “Tim Drake,” he muttered.

She nodded and checked something off on the paper in front of her. “You’re going to be in that row. Fourth seat back.”

Tim changed course and made for his seat. He was in the third row and even though he didn’t get the back corner like he wanted, he was relieved he wasn’t in the front. He just hoped this teacher wouldn’t keep assigned seats for the rest of the year.

He made a face at Steph who just smirked back and crossed her arms. He heard the door open but didn’t bother looking up to see who it was.

“Name?” Ms. Edwards asked.

“Jason Todd.”

Tim’s head whipped around so fast it made a horrible cracking noise. He winced and rubbed the side of his neck. He stared at Jason where he was waiting for his seat assignment.

“You’ll be in the fourth row, fourth seat back,” she said, pointing at the seat next to Tim.

Tim’s stomach dropped to his toes. He swallowed, thinking he might be sick. Because Jason was going to be sitting in the seat next to him and he just realized which teacher he had. Ms. Edwards was notorious for sitting students next to each other who she thought would get married one day.

He could only hope that she didn’t do that until later in the class and her first seating arrangements had no bearing on her romantic ideas.

Jason turned to find his seat and froze when he saw Tim. His lips turned down in a scowl and he grumbled something under his breath as he tightened his grip on his backpack strap and made his way down the aisle.

Tim crossed his arms and looked away. He was going to ignore Jason for the entire class. He’d ignore him for the entire year if he had to. He caught sight of Steph who was grinning at him like an idiot, glee filling her gaze.

Tim glared daggers back. He knew it was impossible, but this was exactly the kind of meddling she would take part in. Especially since she was saying all that weird stuff about him and Jason earlier.

Several more students filtered in before the bell rang and Ms. Edwards directed them all to their new seats.

“Good afternoon everyone,” Ms. Edwards started, stepping into the center of the room. “I’m your history teacher for the year. I’ll pass out the syllabus to all of you shortly and something I want to make all of you aware of before we get started is that there’s going to be a lot of discussion this year. Every day I’ll have a question or two on the board for you to complete with the person sitting next to you. This person will also be your partner for the project you’ll complete this semester and the paper you’ll write together next semester. If you fail to hold proper discussion during class time, it will negatively affect your grade.”

Tim paled as Ms. Edwards looked around the room. She picked up a stack of papers and handed them to the first person in each row. He took his packet numbly and passed the last two behind him. He didn’t even see what was in front of him. He was going to be stuck sitting next to Jason for the whole year and he’d be expected to talk to him every day and complete a project.

This was going to be the worst.

Tim tangled a hand in his hair and willed the minutes to tick by faster so he could run out of the room and never look back. If he was lucky, he could get switched to another class. If he wasn’t lucky, maybe he could skip every class and hide in the library, doing all his homework and the project alone to make up for it.

He risked a glance at Jason and found he didn’t look much happier about the arrangement, his lips pulled into a thin line as he frowned down at the paper in front of him, hands curled into fists on the top of his desk.

Tim chucked his textbook into his bag after they were passed out, and barely listened to whatever else Ms. Edwards had to say.

Once the bell rang, he bolted from the classroom utterly relieved and not caring that Steph had to sprint to catch up with him when he turned the corner for his next class.

“This is so unfair,” Tim swore as he shoved a handful of fries into his mouth.

“Maybe this is fate telling you to give Jason a chance. Maybe you could actually be friends instead of hating each other’s guts all the time,” Steph said, waving her hand around innocently enough.

Tim narrowed his eyes. “That’s bullshit. What did you do? Did you somehow tell our teacher to sit us next to each other?”

“I did nothing,” she sniffed. “I’m insulted you would think otherwise. And when would I have gotten the chance to tell her? Today was our first class.”

“I know your meddling when I see it, Steph. Don’t try and tell me this wasn’t your plan. If you had nothing to do with it why were you telling me to stop judging Jason?”

Steph shrugged and stole one of his fries, dipping it into her chocolate shake. “I just thought it was time you moved on. My tolerance of your complaining about him has reached a new low and I’m tired of it. There are thousands of better ways you could spend your time than by ridiculing someone who really hasn’t done anything to you other than indulge your petty arguments.”

Tim growled and stared at his fries, willing them to burst into flames for no other reason than the satisfaction that came with destroying something.

“Look,” she sighed. “Just give him a chance. If you don’t talk to him, you’re going to fail the class and we both know Jason probably isn’t going to let you negatively affect his grade.”

“What are you talking about? He doesn’t even care about school!” Tim asked, nearly catching the edge of his basket of fries while waving his hands around wildly. He needed to make Steph understand how crazy everything she was saying sounded.

None of it was making any sense and he was ready to bury himself under the covers and pray it just went away.

Steph huffed and shook her head. She didn’t say anything else but did steal two more of his fries even as he glared at her. He nearly shoved the rest of the basket in her direction, but instead took one of his fries and swiped it through her shake as she squawked and tried to bat his hand away.

He shoved the offending fry into his mouth and grinned as he chewed, feeling a little better about the whole Jason situation.

Tim sneered at Jason when he sat down next to him and Jason gave him the same look. Tim crossed his arms and sank down in his desk chair, staring at the head of the person in front of him. He was going to ignore everything. He was going to ignore Jason. And he was going to ignore this class.

The bell rang over their heads and Ms. Edwards took her spot behind the podium.

“Your prompts for today are on the board. Discuss those and the short reading from last night while I take attendance. Once you’re all finished, we’ll begin our class by opening the floor up to any interesting insights you may have discussed.”

Tim saw Jason shift out of the corner of his eye, but he defiantly kept his gaze away from him. Jason huffed but didn’t say anything.

Someone cleared their throat in front of them and Tim looked up, his heart stuttering when he saw Ms. Edwards standing in front of them with her arms crossed.

“Is there a reason why the two of you haven’t begun to discuss last night’s reading?” she asked, raising an eyebrow. “Everyone else has already started and yet you two continue to sit here in silence. I believe I made myself clear yesterday that there were no exceptions to partner discussion.”

Tim let out a breath and leaned forward. “I can’t work with him,” he said, jabbing a finger in Jason’s direction.

Jason huffed. “Yeah because you make working with you so easy in the first place.”

Ms. Edwards held up a hand. “I don’t want to hear it. I don’t care if the two of you don’t get along or tear each other’s throats out in the hallway our outside of school. When you’re in my class, you’re going to do the assignment I’ve left for you. If you refuse, I’ll have you both booted from class before you can even blink.”

“But I need this class to graduate!” Jason cried, leaning forward in his seat.

“Then I suggest the two of you get past whatever issue you have with each other and get to work. I won’t give you another warning. This is your last chance.” She turned on her heel and walked back to her desk.

Tim caught sight of Steph who was hiding her laugh behind her math homework. He glared at her but she ignored him, trying not to disturb the rest of the class even as Ms. Edwards shot her amused looks.

Jason sighed next to him and Tim braced himself for what was coming. He turned in his seat and faced him.

“Look,” he started, voice tight with dread. “I know we basically hate each other but I can’t not be in this class and get the credits I need to graduate. So, can we just…I don’t know, do the minimum amount of discussion to get Ms. Edwards off our backs?”

Tim dragged his gaze away from where he was glaring at Steph and met Jason’s eyes. His shoulders were tense, and he looked ready to bolt and Tim couldn’t blame him when he felt the same way.

“Aren’t you forgetting about the semester project that will require us to work together outside of class?” he quipped, raising an eyebrow.

“We can meet once in the library and divide up the work. The rest we can handle over email and don’t even have to be with each other while we work. Sound doable?” Jason asked.

Tim scrutinized him for a moment. The whole situation wasn’t ideal, but it wasn’t impossible to deal with. Tim just hoped the rest of the year went by quickly so he could get as far away from Jason as possible and go off to college where he’d be able to live his own life.

“Fine. Works for me,” Tim agreed.

Jason let out a breath and relaxed back in his seat. He turned to the whiteboard and scanned the questions Ms. Edwards left for them. He made a face and Tim snickered.

“Are the questions not to your liking?”

Jason made a pained noise in the back of his throat but didn’t look away from the board. “They’re just so simple. The textbook was pretty clear about the first kinds of recorded history and how that’s changed over the years as language evolved. I don’t know why we need to outline that.”

Tim shrugged. “Maybe to make things easy since it’s the beginning of the year?” he asked.

Jason scoffed. “Life doesn’t just take breaks and history is important. We should be diving in and trying to understand as much as possible, not easing ourselves into things for the sake of avoiding difficulty and conflict. Human history is full of that.”

“Do you just, read history books for fun every night before bed? Are you one of those History Channel documentary guys?”

Jason shrugged. “Not really. I look up what I can but I’m more of an English guy than a history one.”

“Then why do you care so much about this class?”

Jason raised an eyebrow and leveled him with an unimpressed look. “Are you serious right now?”

Tim shrugged and nodded, glancing at the other people around him who were still deep in conversation. Ms. Edwards’ gaze roved over the room, not settling on any one pair too long as she smiled gently.

“We all need a history class to graduate and this was one of the most advanced our school offers. If I want to possibly get some scholarships for college, I need to ace this class. If I get kicked out of this class or fail it’ll show up on my transcript,” he huffed.

Tim swallowed, feeling nausea curl in his stomach. “Oh,” he mumbled.

Jason sneered. “I know rich kids like you don’t have anything to worry about when it comes to paying for college or any other expenses in life, but some of us actually have to work for it.”

Tim shifted in his seat, his discomfort growing. “Look,” he sighed. “I’m sorry okay. I didn’t mean it like that. I just didn’t realize.”

“Of course you didn’t. People like you never do,” Jason growled.

“Alright everyone, bring your attention back to the front,” Ms. Edwards said, straightening behind the podium and oblivious to what had just transpired between Jason and Tim.

Tim pressed his lips together and turned in his seat, facing forward once again. He didn’t know what he would’ve said if given the chance, but he felt like he needed to say something to Jason. Or maybe prove that not all rich people were like that. But he didn’t have much of an argument when he really had things so easy and spent his time judging Jason when he didn’t know the first thing about him or what he was going through.

He pulled out his notebook and slapped it onto his desk. He flipped it open to a clean page and marked it with the date. Every reason he had for hating Jason’s guts or avoiding working with him faded away in the face of Jason’s reality. He had no choice but to make sure they both aced this class for the year and he was damn well determined to make it happen no matter what it took or how much time he’d have to spend with Jason.

Tim turned the corner and froze when he saw Jason and Roy walking towards him. Jason glanced at him but didn’t make any other move to address his presence, continuing on past him.

Tim tightened his grip on the straps of his backpack and ducked his head. He didn’t know what he was expecting but maybe having a common goal in history class was enough to diffuse any other interaction between them.

Although now that he was thinking about it, he was almost certain every interaction they’d had in the past was started on his part. He couldn’t deny that he was the most hostile of the two and he wondered if they would’ve fought so much if he let Jason go on his way and kept to himself.

He still felt guilty over the day before and thought he needed to make it up to Jason somehow but any form of apology he could think of felt empty or meaningless when it came to Jason.

Tim sighed and hurried through the hall to his next class. He’d have to keep thinking, but he was sure the only thing he could do at this point was put all of his efforts into history even if it was at the expense of his other classes.

Tim nodded at Jason when he sat down next to him in history class. Jason nodded back and they didn’t say anything as they waited for the bell to ring. The other people around them chatted with their partners, ignoring the prompts on the board for the moment, but enjoying the bonds they were already starting to form.

Tim doubted he and Jason would ever reach that kind of familiarity with each other before the end of the year. He frowned when he realized there was a slight ache in his chest at the thought of missing out on that kind of understanding.

He sucked in a quiet breath when the bell rang and straightened, readying himself like he was going to war. He turned to face Jason who was already watching him.

“You want to start or me?” Tim asked, gesturing at the board.

Jason cocked his head to the side and sneered at the board. “These questions are still more annoying than anything else. It’s like reading quiz level of difficulty.”

Tim couldn’t help himself when he chuckled. “Then what do you want to talk about?” Tim asked, propping his fist against his cheek.

Jason blinked at him, seemingly surprised for a moment. He shrugged and Tim watched a light blush flood his cheeks.

He huffed. “I guess my main problem with the civilizations of the past is not caring about their records. Like, they could’ve made so much amazing art or music or writing. Hell, even public records would’ve been great to have centuries later so we could have a better understanding of what people did, but they just didn’t care and either let it get destroyed or didn’t bother to store it.”

“Can you really tell me that you save your daily schedule in the hopes that it’ll one day be an important historical document?” Tim asked.

Jason scoffed. “Please, like anyone would find anything important in my daily schedule.”

Tim smirked. “And you just answered your own question. Those people back then probably didn’t think anyone would see the worth in the records they were keeping. Or they didn’t have the capacity to even imagine anyone living a hundred years in the future, let alone a year, when they didn’t have much of a concept of time. They probably didn’t think anything would still exist after their lives ended.”

Jason grumbled something under his breath. “Okay, fine I guess you’re right. I still don’t like it though.”

Tim chuckled. “You’re not meant to like it. A lot of historians don’t like it because we have no idea what life was like back then but that’s just the state of things. At least now we have the internet that can keep a digital record of human life.”

“As long as an apocalypse doesn’t happen that totally wipes out the internet and all digital records,” Jason shot back.

“If an apocalypse is happening, libraries and museums won’t last much longer than the technology blackout. They’ll get burned or destroyed, by humans or natural disasters. Whichever category the apocalypse ends up falling into anyway,” Tim said.

Jason narrowed his eyes. “You seem to have a put a lot of thought into this.”

Tim wrinkled his nose and shook his head. “Not really. It’s just kind of common sense when you think about.”

Jason narrowed his eyes and leaned forward. “How so?”

Tim matched his posture and grinned, bracing his elbows on his knees. “Okay, so…when you’re considering the future of the human race, as far as an apocalypse goes, you have two options. It’s going to be caused by humans or it’s going to be a natural disaster.”

“What about aliens?” Jason interrupted.

Tim waved his hands. “We’ll only take that into account once we find proof of alien life.”

“But there’s plenty of potential on moons and planets which already exist in the universe. Scientists have found conditions similar to Earth’s where life could’ve developed.”

“That’s true, but we don’t know if there’s life there or not. Now stop interrupting so I can explain this to you,” Tim huffed. “The human causes are most likely going to be nuclear, unless society just somehow regresses and we basically abandon organized civilization, which I don’t exactly see happening, but who knows, we could end up driving ourselves into extinction since we can be so stupid sometimes.”

Jason breathed a laugh and Tim swallowed, having to take a moment because he never would’ve imagined Jason laughing when they were together, let alone being the reason Jason laughed.

“Okay,” Tim continued, voice a little unsteady. “The other option is natural disaster which takes out all forms of electricity and destroys major cities, killing large population centers and crippling government and organization.”

Jason nodded. “Okay I’m with you so far, go on…”

Tim grinned. “If the nuclear option happens, that’ll short-circuit all technology so the world will go dark. Some systems might still stay online but if you don’t have the workers to keep things going, those won’t last long, and last time I checked, every person in the world didn’t have the skills to maintain advanced technology systems or power plants. If the natural disaster occurs, again, you won’t have the workers to keep those systems online and all digital footprints will probably get wiped if there’s no one to get them back online and if none of those files are backed up, they’re going to be lost. Not to mention that buildings and businesses in the major natural disaster centers are most likely the most advanced so the hardest hit to cultural records is going to come from big cities located near the coast.”

Tim grinned as he sat back. He could see Jason turning over all the information in his head. He crossed his arms and nodded.

“Okay,” he conceded. “But that doesn’t mean there won’t be enough for future historians to piece together the past and understand what life was like before all that happened.”

Tim shrugged. “That’s assuming this whole cycle hasn’t been repeating itself and past civilizations did have those records, but the destruction was too great that practically nothing survived.”

Jason narrowed his eyes. “Has anyone ever told you that your brain is a terrifying place?” he asked.

Tim chuckled. “More than you know.”

“Okay, everyone let’s come back together,” Ms. Edwards said, catching their attention.

Tim’s smile slipped from his face. He swallowed and turned to face the front of the room, belatedly realizing that he’d actually enjoyed his conversation with Jason. As off-topic as it was.

Tim glanced at Jason as they passed in the hallway after lunch.

“Well that’s interesting,” Steph said beside him, voice taking on a conspiratorial edge.

“What is?” he asked, barely paying her any mind, his thoughts already on his history class that afternoon.

“You walked within two feet of Jason and didn’t tear each other’s throats out.”

Tim rolled his eyes but kept his gaze on the hall ahead of them. “Don’t act so surprised. We have to get along for class. It’s not worth it to fight in the hall.”

“Yeah, but you don’t have history for another period and there’s no teacher around to make sure you act civil around each other right now. And last time I checked, you didn’t give much of a shit about getting to class when you were around Jason.”

“Just shut up,” Tim grumbled, stuffing his hands in his jeans’ pockets.

Steph snickered next to him. “You want to know what I think?”

“No, not really.”

“Okay rude,” she huffed. “And I’m going to tell you anyway since you’re not being nice to me. I think that you actually like talking to Jason and you’ve realized that he’s really not a bad guy.

“And you know what I think?” Tim shot back. “I think you’re crazy for thinking that. We might be getting along now, but I can guarantee that once we get the grade for this class and pass with flying colors, we’re going to go back to hating each other’s guts. It’s not going to change anything, as much as you’re going to insist otherwise.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that,” Steph said, finally catching his attention. He glanced at her and found her smirking at him. “You seemed pretty happy to talk to him about your theories on parallel universes the other day. I think you even smiled. And he seemed more than invested in what you were saying for someone who’s just acting as your project partner.”

“Don’t get so excited, it doesn’t mean anything,” Tim grumbled, ignoring the little stab in his chest at the thought. He wasn’t going to spend time thinking about what that meant. He couldn’t be getting attached. Not to someone who hated his guts and didn’t give a shit about him if it didn’t benefit him in some way.

Tim glanced up at Ms. Edwards when he snatched the folded sheet of paper back from Jason’s fingers. They’d gotten into a heated discussion at the beginning of class and neither of them had been able to leave the topic alone, so they resorted to passing notes in class while their teacher lectured with the most elaborate Powerpoint Tim had ever seen.

He unfolded the paper, jotting down a couple notes in his notebook before he scanned Jason’s words.

You can’t seriously think that people in the past didn’t find remnants from other civilizations. Or even dinosaur bones. I’m sure more than enough fossils have been lost because of poor care or ignorance.

Tim huffed and grabbed his pen, hunching over his chair to scribble out his response.

Maybe so but if that was always the case then what made people curious enough to keep the first fossils we still have? Maybe they were seen as a kind of trophy or sign of status. Maybe dinosaur bones caused wars or feuds to break out because people were desperate to claim them.

He folded up the paper and slid it off the desk, passing it back to Jason.

“Boys?” Ms. Edwards asked, clearing her throat.

They both jumped and looked up, finding Ms. Edwards standing at the entrance to the aisle between their rows, her eyes on the square of paper held between their hands.

“I’m sure whatever conversation you’re having is incredibly interesting, but I am trying to teach a history lesson. So please put that away. You can continue your conversation after class and if I see it again, I will confiscate it.”

Tim let go of the edge of the paper like he’d been burned and slid down in his chair. “Sorry,” he mumbled, picking up his pen to focus his attention on his scrawled notes.

Jason shoved the note into his backpack and sat forward, tangling his fingers in his hair as he picked up his pen to take more notes.

Ms. Edwards nodded and returned to her podium, to the muffled snickers of the rest of the students. She cleared her throat, silencing the class and moving to the next slide in her lecture.

Tim diligently took down the notes and main points she’d prepared for them and hoped his blush went away a lot faster than the lingering heat in his face suggested it did.

Jason unfolded the sheet of paper as soon as he was in the hallway and free of Ms. Edwards scrutiny. He was embarrassed over being caught passing notes in class, but he couldn’t help it if his conversations with Tim were interesting and kept him as occupied as their class lecture did.

He could handle both of those things and knew it wouldn’t cause him to fall behind even if it didn’t look good to the teacher. As long as she didn’t kick him out of class that’s all that mattered.

He scanned Tim’s response and rolled his eyes. As much as Tim was interested in sci-fi and had opinions about alien life and surviving any form of the apocalypse, he still had an astounding lack of creativity or understanding of human curiosity.

“Why do you have such a specific expression of exasperated amusement on your face?”

Jason glanced up and found Roy standing in front of him, eyeing the paper in his hands. He folded it up and shoved it into his pocket.

“Nothing,” he answered, pushing past him to walk down the hall to his last class of the day.

Roy grinned and hurried to keep up with him. “This doesn’t have anything to do with your lovely little partner in history class does it?”

Jason flushed but tried to glare at Roy to keep him from touching that topic.

“Oh it does!” he said, sounding more delighted than Jason thought he had any right to. “I’ve gotta say, I wasn’t expecting this kind of drama to happen during our senior year, but I am so excited that it did. You’re like a real-life soap opera. I need to start carrying popcorn with me.”

“Just shut up,” Jason grumbled. “This has nothing to do with you.”

“Whatever you say,” Roy teased.

Jason rolled his eyes and tried to hurry to his last class in an effort to ignore whatever scrutiny Roy would give him over what was going on between him and Tim, not that it was any of his business. But Roy had a habit of sticking his nose into things where it didn’t belong.

“Okay, now that you’ve had time to get to know each other and jump into the early dredges of history we’ve covered since the beginning of the year, it’s time to start picking out your topics for you history project,” Ms. Edwards said as Tim turned to pick up his conversation with Jason where they’d left off the day before.

Tim sagged back in his chair, wishing their teacher couldn’t have waited until after they got their usual conversation time to introduce their project.

“As I’m sure will disappoint many of you, you’re not going to have complete freedom over what you research, but I do have a list of time periods and topics you’re all going to choose from. I’ll go around and each pair will draw a number from a hat. We’ll go in order of the numbers to choose which topic you’d like.”

Ms. Edwards crossed the room, handing a stack of papers to the first person in each row.

“These papers have a list of the requirements for the project and the list of topics is on the back. I’ll give you about five or ten minutes to go over all of this and discuss things with your partner before we draw numbers. If you find you really don’t like anything on this list, I am willing to assess any proposals you might have, and we can work something out so everyone’s happy. Okay? Okay.”

Tim scanned the page in front of him, reading through the requirements for source material and what would be needed for their presentation. They’d have to put together enough information for a six-minute presentation with a Powerpoint but he was happy they could use a video aid as long as it wasn’t longer than a minute.

Tim flipped over his page and looked down the list of topics. He glanced up at Jason who was staring at the list too.

“Thoughts?” Tim asked with a sigh.

Jason glanced up at him and shrugged. “There’s some interesting topics. Nothing I’m overly excited about but we could do something about the Romans or the Vikings.”

Tim nodded. “The Vikings might be pretty interesting actually. And since we can use videos in our presentation, we can use that to give some background information before diving into something specific about them.”

Jason smiled. “Yeah that would be great actually. We could probably find something in a History Channel documentary. Or even a short Youtube video.”

Tim snickered. “Of course you would go for the History Channel. I knew I was right in tagging you as a documentary guy.”

Jason rolled his eyes. “So, we’re agreed on Vikings for our first choice.”

Tim nodded.

“We should probably have one or two more back-up topics.”

Tim sighed. “Romans could be one. I don’t know, what else would you be interested in?”

“Ancient China?” Jason suggested. “Maybe the silk road.”

Tim nodded. “Yeah okay. There’s probably a lot of information about that too and at least we can use a mixture of documentaries and books.”

Jason smiled and blinked when a basket appeared between them. He glanced up at Ms. Edwards who had an eyebrow raised at him.

“Oh, right,” he mumbled and reached into the hat. He snatched a small piece of folded paper and pulled it out, letting Ms. Edwards step past them to the next pair.

“Well?” Tim asked. “What’s the damage?”

“The moment of truth I guess,” Jason mumbled. He opened the slip of paper and winced.

“Tell me we’re not last?” Tim begged.

“We’re not last,” Jason admitted. “Our number is thirteen.”

“So third to last,” he grumbled.

Jason nodded.

Tim bit his lip and slumped against the back of his chair. He wasn’t going to expect anything. He knew they probably wouldn’t get their first choice of topics and maybe not even their second choice. He just hoped they got something they wanted.

“Okay everyone,” Ms. Edwards said, stepping behind her podium again. “Are we all ready to start picking topics?”

Tim glanced around the room and saw groups giving each other death glares as they began the fight and hopefully won the favor of the draw to get their desired topics.

Tim bit his lip and crossed his arms when the first number was called. The group took one of the most popular topics and he heard several groups groan and start frantically whispering about their other choices. What was picked first wasn’t one they were looking for, offering a little bit of a relief their choice hadn’t been taken yet. But as was always the case when it came to picking topics in class, there were still a lot of groups to go.

The whole process was agonizing, and it felt like ages between one group and the next as they picked what they wanted. Their second choice was snatched up after the first six groups had gotten their assignments and Tim was amazed that their third choice was taken before their first pick.

Tim glanced at Jason who looked just as shocked as him.

“Okay,” Ms. Edwards said. “Number thirteen. Who has number thirteen?”

“We do,” Jason said, raising the piece of paper in his hand.

Ms. Edwards smiled and raised an eyebrow, waiting for them to voice their topic.

“We’re going with the Vikings.”

She nodded and marked something down on her sheet before turning to the next group. Tim let out a breath and sagged in his chair. He scrubbed a hand over his face and shared a look with Jason.

“I can’t believe we managed to get our first choice.”

Jason nodded. “I don’t think that ever happens for people so far down the list like us,” he agreed. “We should get to work on this as soon as possible. The sooner we get it done, the sooner we don’t have to worry about it anymore.”

Jason nodded. “Do you want to meet in the library after school and we can divide the work up?”

Tim nodded. “Yeah. We can find some sources and outline what we want to cover.”

“Quiet down,” Ms. Edwards said, bringing their conversations to a close. “I know you’re all excited to get working on your projects, but I still have today’s lesson to get through. Later next week we’re going to be picking presentation days. You’ll find the range on your assignment sheets so start thinking about what dates would work best for you. And if you really are that excited to get started on your project, you’re more than welcome to get started in the library after school.”

Tim buried his face in his arms after he dropped into a chair at the table Jason had already snagged in the library.

“You okay?” Jason asked.

Tim huffed and nodded. “Just exhausted. You know, the usual I guess.”

Jason chuckled. “Well it’s almost the weekend. Only a few more days to get through.”

“Yeah but now we have this project to work on.”

“But that doesn’t mean you can’t sleep in,” Jason argued.

“Fair enough,” Tim grumbled and finally sat up in his chair, rubbing his fists against his eyes. “Any idea of where we can start with this?”

“Well it’s a history project,” Jason drawled. “So, we can start by outlining which parts of the history of the Vikings we want to cover. Their origins would be a good place to start and their general practices.”

Tim nodded. “I can find a documentary to reference over the weekend. And I’ll look for some reference books, too.”

“Do you want to focus on their everyday lives?” Jason asked, pulling out his notebook.

Tim nodded. “Yeah, I can do that. Aren’t they famous for their raids?”

Jason paused. “I think so? I’ll make a note of it and we can figure it out later. We should probably meet a couple times to put everything together.”

“Does this weekend work for you? I know I was just complaining about sleeping but at least we can order pizza and chill while doing work.”

“Yeah sure,” Jason said, eyebrows raising in obvious surprise. “Does Saturday work?”

“Yeah. Here,” he said, pulling out one of his sticky notes. “Let me give you my phone number and we can text each other a good time.” He shoved the piece of paper with his scrawled number across the table.

Jason took it and pulled out his phone, putting in the digits before he shot a message back to Tim. He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and watched as Jason pocketed his phone.

“I feel like we should be doing more work than that,” Tim admitted. “But I also know some of this will have to be done on our own.”

Jason nodded. “Yeah…I kind of feel the same way. But we’re also going to have time over the weekend to do this and I don’t really see the point in spending hours in the library right now.”

“You mind if I just hang out and do some of my homework for tonight?”

He shook his head and pulled out his math textbook. “I was thinking of doing the same thing. Might as well use the time we’ve got here.”

Tim smiled and pulled out his chemistry textbook and the worksheet they’d been assigned. The silence between them was easy as they got to work, pencils scratching against different sheets of paper.

Tim grinned and held up the two pizza boxes in his hands when Jason pulled the door open.

“You brought pizza?” he asked.

Tim rolled his eyes and pushed past him, taking in the small apartment. “Of course I did,” he scoffed. “I couldn’t not bring brain food and you’re letting us work here when you didn’t have to.”

Jason shrugged, shoulders stiff with the movement.

“So…are we going to work in the living room or at the kitchen table or would you prefer your room?” Tim prompted when Jason didn’t make a move to direct him anywhere.

“Right, yeah,” he said, snapping out of whatever daze he’d been in. “We can go to my room. I’ve already got all my stuff spread out over the floor.”

Tim nodded and followed Jason to his bedroom. The floor was covered in books and papers, but Tim didn’t have an issue finding a spot for himself. Jason helped him move his homework out of the way to set the pizza down.

He flipped open the top of the first box and grabbed a slice before stretching his legs out in front of him and pulling his laptop from his bag. Jason was a little more hesitant to take a slice of pizza and he didn’t relax right away when he settled back down among his piles of papers and ideas.

Tim hummed under his breath and opened his programs.

“So,” he started, taking another bite of pizza. “I was thinking we could use this video in our presentation. I know we can’t take up more than a minute, but it gives a pretty good explanation as to the practices of the Vikings.”

Jason nodded. “Lay it on me.”

Tim turned his computer and let the clip play, the sound filtering through his speakers clearly.

“Looks good to me,” he agreed. “I think that would be good to put between the history of the Vikings that I’m covering and the start of your section.”

“Yeah, that’s what I was thinking, too. Have you put any slides together?”

“No. I didn’t really feel like I was ready to do that, and I think it would be better to do that together anyway.”

Tim nodded and opened his web browser. “We can use the free software through Google so we can both access it.”

He quickly set up a presentation and sent the link to Jason’s email.

Jason grabbed another slice of pizza and pushed himself to his feet, sitting down in his desk chair to bring his desktop to life. He tapped away at the clunky keyboard and Tim smiled when his name appeared in the corner of his screen.

Tim added a few slides and stuck the video in the middle of them, knowing they’d both add more slides as they needed and compiled their work together.

Silence fell between them, but Tim didn’t find it uncomfortable in the slightest. Jason prompted him to pass him the pizza every now and then and they ate most of it as they worked on their project in companionable silence. Tim had never expected to be in the same room as Jason for so long without fighting. He never expected to be in Jason’s home in the first place.

Tim startled when he heard the front door slam, his fingers jerking against the keys and making his sentence deteriorate into a bunch of jibberish.

“Jason?” a woman called.

“Shit, sorry,” Jason mumbled to Tim, pushing himself from his chair. He hurried from the room, pulling the door shut behind him.

Tim strained to hear what was being said but couldn’t make out much more than the soft murmurs of their voices. He sighed and went back to his work, wiping his fingers on a crumpled napkin to keep the grease off his keys.

Jason returned a few minutes later. “Sorry about that,” he apologized. “I guess we lost track of time. I thought you were going to be gone by the time my mom got back from work.”

Tim shrugged. “It’s not a big deal, really. If you want me to, I can go…”

“No really, it’s okay,” Jason said in a rush, holding up his hands. “My mom’s fine with it, too.”

“Although,” Tim continued, smirk pulling at his lips. “I don’t know if we really need to do that much more work or we’re going to have this finished today.”

Jason sat down in his chair and grinned. “That might not be such a bad thing.”

“Maybe not but we’re still a month out from when presentations even start.”

“Well,” Jason said, “if we’re not going to work on this anymore, you feel like watching a movie? Or do you need to get home? I guess I shouldn’t assume-”

“A movie would be great. We still have some pizza left anyway that I’m dying to eat. What do you have?”

Jason grinned and pushed himself out of his chair. He pulled a large bin out from under his bed and shoved it in Tim’s direction. Tim started sorting through the cases as Jason picked up his schoolwork, putting it in a small pile on his desk.

“I don’t know if I’m going to be able to watch all of the ones I want in one sitting,” Tim warned as he made a small pile next to his hip, flipping through the next few cases.

“We can always continue this next weekend,” Jason said with a shrug.

Tim swallowed and ducked his head, hoping to hide the grin that pulled at his lips. “Sure. If you don’t mind having me around.”

“Not at all,” Jason said, voice light. “We have to finish our project anyway.”

“Let’s start with this one then,” Tim said, passing him one of the cases he’d picked out.

Jason looked over the title and nodded. “This is a good one. Just let me get this set up.” He turned back to his computer and inserted the disk into his tower. He clicked several things and enlarged the screen so it took up his whole monitor.

He glanced over his shoulder and paused. “It might be easier if we both sat on the bed,” he said, flush rushing to his cheeks as he pulled the curtains over the window behind his desk.

“Yeah, no problem,” Tim said, pushing himself up from the floor. “It makes sense since we only have a computer monitor to work with.”

Jason heard the bed shift behind him and fought not to look until he hit play and stood up from his chair. He spared a quick glance in Tim’s direction before he crawled onto his bed and leaned back against the wall next to Tim.

Their shoulders brushed as they settled into place and even though there was some space between them, Jason could still feel the warmth wafting off Tim.

He swallowed and fought to focus on the movie, ignoring why he was so distracted by their proximity in the first place. There were project partners and really nothing more even if it felt like they were edging into that kind of territory.

Jason didn’t want to get his hopes up. And he questioned why he’d even have to worry about that in the first place.

“Oh come on,” Tim protested, eyes focused on Jason’s computer screen.

He angrily shoved a handful of popcorn into his mouth and Jason hid his smile behind his sip of soda.

They’d worked on their project for about an hour before they both got distracted and bored and decided to put it to the side in favor of continuing their movie marathon. They were ahead of where they needed to be anyway, and Jason knew that taking some time to enjoy themselves on a Saturday wouldn’t put them that far behind.

He glanced to the side, taking in Tim’s profile. He wasn’t sure if he was imagining it, but he thought they were sitting closer than they had the week before. Every time Tim reached to grab a handful of popcorn, their biceps brushed together, sending a jolt of warmth against his skin.

Tim’s eyelashes almost seemed to brush his skin when he blinked, and Jason wondered if they were as soft as they looked. His eyebrows were turned down because he was annoyed with whatever choice the protagonist was making and Jason couldn’t blame him when he had the same thoughts.

Every time Tim offered some insight or commentary into the plot of the movie, Jason was drawn in by his thoughts. When he laughed, his nose would crinkle up in an adorable way as his eyes nearly squeezed shut and he leaned back against the wall to keep himself upright.

Jason froze and pulled his gaze away from watching how Tim’s blue eyes were focused on the screen, soaking up every detail of the film they were watching and no doubt catching things Jason would never understand. He swallowed and fought down the rising panic in his chest that wanted to drown him under his new revelation.

He wasn’t supposed to be interested in Tim. They were supposed to hate each other’s guts. They had hated each other’s guts until they were paired together for their history class. And it didn’t help anything that their teacher had paired them because she thought they would work out romantically.

Jason grabbed a fistful of popcorn and shoved it into his mouth. Tim moved next to him and Jason almost thought he’d been found out but he did nothing more than hold the bowl towards him so he could have more of the snack.

He ducked his head in a half-nod and grabbed another handful of popcorn to keep his mouth busy. He was afraid that his realization would burst out of him and incriminate him. He couldn’t find Tim attractive. He couldn’t think he was cute. Not when Tim probably only tolerated him at best.

Tim would hate him if he knew about his growing feelings. They’d never be able to get along again, and it would put them right back where they’d been at the beginning of the year. And Jason was just starting to realize that he never wanted to go back to that place. He realized how much he hated it and had hated it when he was still there.

He’d just have to suffer through their work sessions on their project and the time they had to spend together in class. Beyond that, he’d need to keep his distance. He’d need to get some of the distance that used to be between them back.

He couldn’t push Tim away fully. He was too selfish for that and he didn’t think Tim would let him if he tried. Not when he was content to spend a couple hours together without an issue.

Jason swallowed. He’d make it through the year. He’d spend as much time with Tim as he could, but he wouldn’t become weak to what he wanted. They’d get through their project and that would be it. The only time they’d spend with each other after this would be in class.

He could deal with it. It would be enough. Even if it wasn’t what he wanted.

Tim shoved the door to his bedroom open and let it slam shut behind him. He dropped his backpack on the floor and tried to keep himself from hyperventilating as his chest tightened and his breaths came faster.

He swallowed and fought to push the memories of sitting next to Jason on his bed for a handful of hours from his memory. They weren’t friends. They could barely be classified as friends. They were just bored and needed to get their project done for class. It meant nothing more than a grade and he was trying to convince himself of that.

Jason didn’t like him. He tolerated him and he knew he just put up with his presence in his home, but he didn’t like him. And even if Tim was drowning under the beauty of Jason’s intelligence and every comment he made that got Tim to laugh, he couldn’t do anything about it.

Tim squeezed his eyes shut when his brain wanted to fixate on the size of his biceps and how great he looked in whatever he decided to throw on for the day. And then there was his secret nerdy side…

He shook his head, fighting to push his thoughts to the back of his mind. The longer he lingered on them, the closer to the forefront of his brain they would be and if that happened, they would not doubt get him into trouble. And if he didn’t get himself into trouble with Jason, then he would definitely out himself to Steph and he couldn’t allow that to happen.

Tim would fight to get through the end of their project and then he’d bury anything he felt for Jason under the rest of his classes and his homework. He knew there wasn’t going to be anything for them once this project was done.

They’d be back to where they were before it happened and would have no more interaction than their conversations in class.

There wouldn’t be any more movie nights. There would be fewer witty conversations. And Tim would struggle with the loss of a great relationship he could’ve had for years but would no doubt be out of his reach because of the choices he made in the past.

Tim sighed and threw himself onto his bed. He buried his face in his pillows and was determined to block out the rest of the world for a few hours at least. He didn’t want to think about anything.

And if he did think about something, he wanted to be able to bury it in his dreams so that his suspicions of soft-looking lips and tight hugs would never see the light of day and he’d never risk embarrassment over his attraction to the one person he was supposed to hate for the rest of his life.

Tim kept his head down as they neared their project deadline. They finished ahead of schedule and used the extra time they had to prepare to practice their presentation once a day in the library after school.

Now that they didn’t have to prepare anything and had their portions of the presentation practically memorized, there was no longer an excuse for longer conversations or their movie marathons.

Something ached deep in Tim’s chest when he couldn’t go over to Jason’s house and lock himself away in his room while they watched a movie. He’d never get to sit close to him on the bed or share snacks or talk about the most ridiculous thing from whatever movie they put on.

He tried to ignore the pain that seemed to hurt him deep inside whenever the light caught Jason’s eyes just right, or he caught him laughing at something Roy had said to him in the hallway. He missed pulling those deep belly laughs out of Jason.

Steph had noticed where his gaze lingered and asked him about it, but he wasn’t ready to admit his feelings, let alone talk about missing the time he’d gotten to spend with Jason over the course of the semester.

When the moment of truth finally came, he got through their actual presentation in a daze but knew he hadn’t messed up a single line from how many times they’d practiced.

Jason grinned at him when they finished, and their class offered polite applause. Tim returned Jason’s enthusiasm easily even if something inside his core shattered that Jason didn’t like him for anything more than the grade they were working to get together in the class.

And now it was all over.

The days following their presentation were painful. They barely talked before class started and Tim constantly glanced in his direction but didn’t get any sign that Jason might be missing their usual camaraderie like he was. He wasn’t able to focus on any of the other presentations that were given, thoughts swirling in a toxic circle that always came back to the same thing.

Tim’s sleep got worse. He stayed up late staring at the ceiling, worried that he’d done something to piss Jason off as the distance between them continued to grow. He didn’t know how to fix anything between them and thought they were back to the point of no return. He was sure if they didn’t change things before their semester ended, they’d never get back to the point where they had been.

Jason forced his eyes closed but knew he wouldn’t be able to sleep any better than he had been the past few weeks. The sounds of the city outside his apartment were too loud. They accused him of all the mistakes he’d made in his life, the most horrible of them the distance growing between him and Tim again.

Things had been going well between them. Every second they spent together outside of school was like a small victory for him and what he wanted in life. They hadn’t even gotten through every movie Tim had wanted to watch before it was time to give their presentation and their time working on their project had ended.

They still saw each other in school and had class together and Jason was ecstatic they got the best grade in the class on their project, but things were awkward between him and Tim like they never had been before.

Sure, things hadn’t been easy when they were forced together at the beginning of the year but that was more because of the lingering animosity between them. They’d never been awkward.

And now he was sure he’d been reading the signs wrong between them. Even if he had to suffer through his growing attraction for Tim, he was happy to have him as a friend. But now that even seemed out of reach. He didn’t know how to fix it either.

If he asked Tim what happened he’d probably scoff and say that they were only spending time together because of their class and that would make things even more awkward because Tim would know he’s interested.

He’d become the school joke because there was no way Tim would keep that quiet if they were still the furthest thing from friends they could be.

Jason huffed and rolled onto his side, burying his face in his pillow. He could only hope that they could fix things or at least get back to where they had been before their presentation.

He wouldn’t survive if he had to stew with this uncertainty for the two weeks of winter break.

Tim glanced at Jason when he sat down in his seat next to him in class. They’d passed each other in the hall earlier but neither of them had made eye contact or any other sign of recognition.

He wanted to say something, but he seemed to be at a spectacular loss of words as of late. Even their conversations in class which used to delve into the most random topics never strayed from the questions Ms. Edwards wrote out on the board for them.

The bell rang over their heads and as the other groups around them started their discussion, Tim sluggishly turned in his chair.

“Hey,” he said.

Jason glanced at him and turned in his chair, leaning heavily against the back of his seat.

“So, what did you think of last night’s reading?” he continued, nearly wincing at how stilted and formal the question sounded like they hadn’t already spent a whole semester talking and working on a project.

Jason shrugged. “It was interesting. I want to know more about the ritual practices that were touched on in the middle of the chapter. It didn’t go into much detail.”

“Was that really the most important section to focus on though?” Tim asked.

“Does it matter if it was or not?” Jason scoffed. “I found it interesting and would’ve liked to know more. Obviously, they can’t go in depth on every topic or the textbook would weigh a thousand pounds.”

“Right,” Tim huffed and rolled his eyes. “I guess you can just watch a documentary and get the answers you want.”

Tim swallowed the bitter taste that filled the back of his throat. This wasn’t how he wanted their conversation to go. It felt wrong and tainted. They couldn’t go back to how they’d been. He didn’t want them to.

They stared at each for a moment and Tim sighed.

“Okay everyone,” Ms. Edwards said, cutting off what he was about to say. “Let’s get things started, shall we? Who wants to go first?”

Tim turned to face the front of the room and pulled out his notebook. He sagged down in his chair and tried to push any thoughts of his crumbling relationship with Jason to the back of his mind. He’d fix it later.

Tim felt more irritable the closer to winter break they got. If the stress from studying for finals wasn’t bad enough, he always seemed to be plagued with thoughts of what was going on between him and Jason.

His sleep schedule was beyond fucked up and it had nothing to do with trying to cram as much studying in as possible. His brain never shut up and Steph was avoiding him after he snapped at her because he couldn’t handle his own shit.

“Okay I’m going to take pity on you and forgive you for snapping at me yesterday,” Steph huffed, sitting across from him at lunch.

Tim glanced up from his tray of sad looking food. “I’m sorry about that,” he mumbled.

“I know you are, but you can’t take out your teenage angst on everyone else. Especially your best friend,” she said, giving him a onceover. “Normally I would hold out until you came crawling back to apologize, but you look so sad I decided to take pity on you.”

“Thanks.”

Steph stared at him for a minute and Tim tried not to shift under her scrutiny. “You really need to fix whatever’s going on with you.”

“I don’t know how.”

“Here’s a thought: talk to him.”

“It doesn’t matter. It won’t do any good,” he said, throwing his plastic fork onto his tray.

“God, you’re so hopeless sometimes. Okay, fine,” she huffed. “If you’re not going to try to fix this and just let whatever happens, happen, then you can’t be sad and moan and groan and get mad at me. So, get your shit together and talk to him, or shut up and get through the next week before break.”

Tim slouched further in his chair and ran a hand through his hair. He nodded and shoved a cold fry into his mouth, chewing bitterly.

Tim threw himself onto his bed when he got home from his last day of school. He’d struggled to get through his history final without being distracted by Jason next to him. Even when he finished his test and turned it in, he still couldn’t do anything because they weren’t allowed to talk and Jason took more time than he did.

He didn’t want to risk trying to pass a note and getting caught by Ms. Edwards either. She could’ve thought they were cheating and as desperate as he was to repair what was between them, he wasn’t going to risk Jason’s grade even if he didn’t care that much about his own.

Tim was ready to bury himself in bed and ignore the rest of the world for two weeks. He didn’t want to go to his parents’ Christmas party, and he didn’t even care about what happened on Christmas and the pile of consolation prizes his parents bought for him.

The only thing he wanted was for things to be fixed and if it meant willing away the time off they had, then he would give it all away and jump right into second semester.

His heart ached and he almost wished he could show up at Jason’s front door and settle in for a movie night with pizza and ice cream.

Tim sighed and yanked his blanket over him, forcing his eyes shut in the hopes that he might finally be able to get some sleep.

Jason stared out his bedroom window. Snow was falling gently between Gotham’s buildings and the road was already covered with a light dusting of snow. It would turn to slush soon even with the reduced traffic on the streets because of Christmas.

His mom was still asleep after getting in late from work the night before and he hadn’t managed to pull himself into the kitchen to start making breakfast. He’d pulled out the small plastic Christmas tree they kept in their place when he got home after his last day of school before break and managed to put it up, the mindless task letting him empty his head for a few minutes.

There were two boxes under the bent and crooked branches. Their gifts always bordered on practical. They didn’t have the money for anything extravagant and they learned early on they only really wanted things they had a use for rather than the meaningless trinkets that filled store windows during the shopping season.

Jason sighed and pushed himself away from the wall. He grabbed his hoodie from the back of his chair and slipped it over his head. He carefully moved into the kitchen, keeping an eye on his mom’s room to make sure he wasn’t waking her.

He pulled the milk from the fridge and filled a small saucepan. He left it to heat up as he put the jug away and grabbed the cocoa powder and the sugar from the cabinet.

Jason pulled the whisk from the jar on the counter and measured out the cocoa and sugar, slowly mixing it in the heating pot.

He heard a noise come from his mom’s room and sighed, hoping she would’ve had a bit longer to sleep in before she was roused and brought back to the land of the living.

Her door opened and she wasn’t quiet or subtle as she approached.

“Hot chocolate?” she asked, voice still rough from sleep.

“Yeah,” he murmured, watching the cocoa dissolve into the milk.

“Have you eaten breakfast yet?” she asked.

He shook his head. She moved around him and grabbed a pan to set on the stove next to him. She pulled two mugs from the cabinet and left them next to Jason for when their drinks were ready. She grabbed the carton of eggs and a bowl and began to crack eggs into it in preparation for scrambling.

She paused after closing the egg carton and reached across the counter for the small radio plugged into the wall. She turned it on and quickly changed channels before settling on a station playing Christmas music.

Jason smiled as she began to hum along and prepare their breakfast. He turned off the stove eye he was using and poured the hot chocolate into the two mugs.

Something still ached in the back of his chest and he tried not to dwell on any thoughts of Tim, but he was going to let himself have one day where he didn’t beat up on himself for thinking about him. He could worry about Tim and their crumbling relationship later. They might have the chance to fix things once their spring semester started, but right now he had some time with his mom on Christmas and he knew he wasn’t going to see her much for the rest of his break, so it wouldn’t do to be in a sour mood.

Jason hummed along to the radio under his breath and pulled a loaf of break from the cabinet, popping two slices into the toaster before he clinked his mug to his mom’s and they both took a sip.

Tim paused in front of the double doors to his school and took a deep breath. It was cold and snow was drifting down over his head, but he needed a moment before he faced the day ahead of him.

He was going to fix things with Jason. He didn’t care what Jason’s reaction was and if it turned out he still hated him, then knowing that was better than drifting in an abyss of uncertainty.

He hurried up the steps and pushed through the doors with the people around him. He shivered at the warmth that enveloped him, glad the school wasn’t being stingy with the heat considering the freezing temperatures outside. He studied the crowds around him, searching for Jason’s familiar profile.

Steph waved at him, trying to catch his attention. He waved her off and mouthed ‘later’ in her direction. She frowned, eyebrows drawing down in her confusion but nodded and let him move away.

Tim kept an eye on the hall as he stopped at his locker. He pulled it open and grabbed his books for his morning classes and shoving his winter coat inside before slamming it shut. He pushed up onto his toes to look over the heads of the crowds around him. He huffed when he didn’t catch sight of Jason and continued down the hall.

He didn’t know where Jason’s first class was, but he knew if he wandered around long enough he’d find him somewhere. Unless he was hiding out under some stairwell.

Tim shoved his way through a line of people and turned the next corner, eyes sweeping up and down the hall. He caught sight of a head of red hair and blinked, hurrying forward, thinking it might be Roy and where Roy was Jason was a step ahead.

He slowed when the student turned, and it was definitely not who he was looking for. Tim huffed and continued, turning down the next hallway where another row of lockers and classrooms were.

“Looking for someone?”

Tim jumped and whirled around, finding Jason had snuck up on him. He narrowed his eyes and looked him up and down.

“Where did you come from?” he accused.

Jason hiked his thumb over his shoulder at the door to the bathroom a few feet behind them.

“Oh,” Tim sighed and relaxed.

“You didn’t answer my question,” Jason said, shoving his hands into his pockets. “Were you looking for someone?”

Tim cleared his throat and shifted on his feet. “Yeah actually. I was looking for you.”

“Me?” Jason asked, brow furrowing. “Why?”

Tim sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “Look, I don’t know if you feel the same way or what, but I really missed how well we got along when we were doing our history project. I liked being able to hang out with you and watch movies and I want to do that again. If you do, anyway…”

Jason stared at him for a minute, turning the words over in his head. He nodded and smiled. “Yeah, I’d…I’d really like that actually. I missed getting to spend time with you, too, and we still have a stack of movies to get through.”

Tim chuckled and felt his face flush with their proximity. “Movie day this Saturday?” he asked, biting his lip.

“And every Saturday after until we get through them?” Jason offered, voice small.

Tim nodded eagerly. “Yes. Yeah. That sounds good.”

Jason nodded. “Cool.”

They stared at each for a moment.

The bell rang over their heads and pulled them out of their daze.

“I uh, have to get to class,” Tim said, stepping around Jason to head back the way he’d come.

“Yeah,” Jason agreed, turning to face him. “Me too. I’ll see you in class, I guess?” he asked.

Tim nodded. He paused for a second longer, letting himself soak up Jason’s appearance before he turned and disappeared into the throng of students hurrying to their first class, the anxiety and unhappiness finally uncurling in his chest and letting him breathe a little easier.

Tim grinned as he rounded the corner to his history classroom. He stopped short when he saw Jason coming from the other direction. He was walking with Roy who had an arm around his shoulders.

Tim frowned, anger curling in his gut at the easy contact the two of them were able to share. He finally had their friendship back, but he was starting to realize that wasn’t enough. He wanted to be able to have such casual personal interactions with Jason like Roy did.

Actually, what he wanted was to be able to curl into Jason’s side and lean his head against his shoulder as they curled up in his bed and watched a movie. He wanted to play with Jason’s fingers and hold his hand. He wanted to see if Jason’s lips were as soft as they looked and wanted to run his fingers through Jason’s hair.

Tim ran a hand through his hair and shook his head, pushing the thoughts from his mind. He couldn’t think like that. Things were finally back to normal. He was going to be friends with Jason and the rest of the year was going to be great. He didn’t need anything else from him. He wouldn’t let himself linger and fixate on those kinds of things.

Not when it could easily destroy everything they’d just repaired.

Tim ducked his head and pushed through the door to Ms. Edwards’ classroom. He hurried over to his desk and slid into his seat, dropping his backpack on the floor. The board was empty of the usual questions they had at the beginning of class and Ms. Edwards was already standing behind her podium and smiling at the students in their seats.

Tim didn’t look up as the door opened but he saw a figure slide into the chair next to him out of his periphery.

“Hey,” Jason greeted, voice light and happy.

Tim glanced up, unable to stop the smile that pulled at his lips at seeing Jason next to him. “Hey,” he greeted, turning in his chair. “What’s up?”

Jason shrugged. “Not much. I’m ready to go home but I wish I wasn’t back to having homework to do.”

Tim chuckled, thinking about all the books he’d have to take home. “I know. I’m ready to ignore all of it instead and hope it just magically works out.”

“I don’t think that’s the best idea. But as long as you do the work for this class, I don’t really care,” Jason shot back with a grin.

Tim nodded slowly. “Of course.”

Jason sighed as he walked out of History. He couldn’t stop the happy smile that graced his lips. He was happy. He felt lighter than he had for weeks and winter wasn’t looking quite so gray as it had over break.

He had Tim back and he was going to get to hang out with him more often than he thought. He could even survive without the movie days they were already planning, satisfied with the light conversation they would share in class.

“What’s that look for?”

Jason rolled his eyes. “What are you talking about?”

“That smile,” Roy said, poking him in the cheek. “You look kind of dopey. What fairy godmother came and granted your wish?”

“No one, duh,” he shot back.

“Well I know it’s not school that has you looking like that so what happened. Spill all of your dirty secrets for me, Todd.”

Jason batted his hand away from his face. “It’s nothing.”

“Uh-huh,” he grumbled, not sounding like he believed him in the slightest. “I don’t believe you. This doesn’t have anything to do with why you were such a grouch over break, does it?”

Jason swallowed and looked away, eyes unconsciously searching the crowd of students in the hall.

“Okay, so it does. Now…who was the person that got your pants in a twist before break…” he said, sounding contemplative.

Jason’s eyes landed on Tim in the hall. He was standing next to Steph while she dug through her locker. Jason was on the verge of smiling at just seeing Tim, but when Steph placed a hand on his shoulder and pressed a quick kiss to his cheek his stomach dropped.

Jason’s jaw clenched, his teeth clacking together. Anger curled in his gut at the sight. Tim looked exasperated and swiped at his cheek to wipe away the lip gloss. It eased Jason’s anger slightly, but he still didn’t like that someone else could touch Tim the way he wanted to.

“I thought you hated Drake,” Roy said, grabbing his arm.

Jason froze and glared at him. “What?” he asked.

He waved at Tim. “Drake. I thought you hated him. I mean I know you had that whole project with him and everything, and you had to do some work together so he went over to your place, but…” Roy trailed off as his eyes widened.

Jason sighed, eyes sliding shut as Roy put all the pieces together.

“Dude, what the hell?” he asked. “When did that happen?”

“When did what happen?” Jason asked, bracing himself for the biggest shitstorm of all shitstorms.

“When did you start dating him?”

“What?” he asked, eyebrows furrowing.

“You and Drake. When did that happen?”

Jason opened his eyes. “Roy, we’re not dating.”

Roy frowned and glanced back at Tim. “Then why did you…” He paused and his eyes somehow got even larger. ��Holy shit,” he breathed. “You’re not dating, but you want to be.” He made a face. “Great, now I have to deal with your lovesick, angsty ass over this whole thing. Please don’t do the whole emo teenager in love thing. I can’t handle any more of that with you.”

Jason rolled his eyes and tried to step around Roy, intent on getting to his last class without catching Tim’s attention while he was having this conversation.

“I’m not gonna do the whole emo teenager in love thing. And nothing’s going to happen between us. Tim doesn’t like me like that, and I think that’s something we can all agree on.”

“I dunno man. I think if you got over your hatred for him then he could, too. You already spend a ton of time outside of school with each other. And willingly I might add. None of us ever expected that to happen so I think anything’s possible at this point now.”

Jason sighed. He wished that was true, but he didn’t think it was possible. There was no way things could work out that well in his life. He didn’t get the happy fairy tale ending. Guys like him never did.

“Can you believe people are already planning things for prom?” Tim scoffed when he pushed through the door to Jason’s apartment for their weekly Saturday movie day. “Like, I don’t get what the big deal is. Prom isn’t that impressive and yet people are getting all worked up over getting tickets and finding dates when it’s still forever away.”

Jason snickered and shut the door behind them. “It’s not that far away. Just a couple of months. And I guess if you have to make limo reservations or whatever, you’re going to want to get that done as soon as possible.”

Tim huffed and threw himself onto Jason’s bed, staring at where their next movie was already set up. “I guess. I still don’t get why it’s so important. I mean yeah, I did go last year but it wasn’t that great so what’s so great about this year? It’s not going to be that different just because I’m a senior.”

Jason grinned and hit play on his computer before crawling onto the bed next to him. “Maybe other people are just more romantic than you and think that even if something was bad before that doesn’t mean it can’t get better with time.”

“I guess, but I still don’t really want to go.”

Jason shrugged and pulled his knees up to his chest, eyes focused on the screen. “Then don’t go. There’s no one saying you have to. I’m not going.”

“But I can’t not go,” he cried, running his hands through his hair.

“Okay, you’ve officially lost me,” Jason said, rolling his eyes. “You don’t want to go but you have to go. How is that even possible?”

“Because Steph wants to go, and she’ll stop at nothing to get me into a tux and a limo.”

“Ah so she’s the one who’s forcing you,” Jason muttered, trying to ignore the familiar souring in his gut whenever he saw Tim and Steph together.

“Yeah,” Tim huffed. “I don’t see why it matters that I’m coming along. She put together a huge group and will have plenty of other people to talk to. But, of course she won’t let me sit at home and eat oreos on the couch when an overpriced night that I’ll forget about ten years from now is the highlight of spring semester.”

“That doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy it,” Jason huffed, slouching back against the wall. “Pick out the restaurant or stick yourself next to the refreshment table. Are you even paying for your tux or the limo rental?”

Tim was silent before he bit out a soft, “No.”

Jason shrugged. “Then it doesn’t really matter that much. Enjoy it while you can, and you can duck out early if it really gets to you that much and you’re not having fun.”

Tim fiddled with the comforter spread over the bed under him. “Thanks, I guess. What about you? Are you going to be there? Wait…you answered that already. Sorry, stuck too far in my own head, I guess.”

Jason tightened his hold on his knees. “No, you’re right I won’t be there. I’ll probably just be hanging out here all night.”

“Why aren’t you going?” Tim asked, looking up at him.

Jason kept his gaze on the computer, not wanting to see Tim’s reaction to what he was going to say. “No one to go with is the biggest thing, I guess. And I can’t really afford to rent a tux. It’s kind of a frivolous expense and since money’s already pretty tight, I don’t want to ask for something like that.”

“I wish I could stay in and hang out with you,” Tim grumbled.

“If you ever work up the courage to say no to Steph, you can,” Jason said with a shrug, forcing his hopes to stay considerably low.

Tim grumbled in the back of his throat and curled onto his side, content to sag into the warmth of Jason’s blanket and let the hours slide away in the face of their movie marathon.

Tim tugged at the bowtie around his neck. It felt like just yesterday he was complaining to Jason about going to prom and now he was stuck in the constricting suit. Steph would undoubtedly criticize a handful of things about his appearance and the lack of effort he put into it.

His interest in prom had only seemed to wane as the semester continued and he dreaded the day as it slowly approached. He still wished that he could stay at home and curl up in bed or go over to Jason’s and watch movies with him.

He sighed and let go of his bowtie. He smoothed down his suit jacket and ran a hand over his hair to make sure none of the strands were out of place. The one thing he could be happy about was that instead of going to a fancy hotel like the year before, prom was being hosted at their school so he could make an escape at any time and he wouldn’t be too far from home.

The doorbell echoed down the hall and Tim sighed, shoulders slumping under the weight of what he was about to do. He trudged out of the bathroom and headed for the stairs.

“Tim!” Steph sang from where the butler had already let her in.

“I’m coming, I’m coming,” he huffed.

He swung around the corner to the foyer and found Steph in all her purple glory. Her hair was curled and clipped at the side of her head and she wore large silver earrings and a resplendent necklace around her throat.

“Could you look any less happy?” she asked, rolling her eyes.

“I told you I didn’t want to go,” he grumbled, following her through the door and down the steps to where the limo was waiting in the drive.

“And I told you we had to go because it’s tradition and we can’t miss out on our last prom ever.”

“We went last year and, no offense, but this is more your thing than it is mine,” he said, sliding into the backseat. He nodded tightly at the other people who’d already been picked up, not as close with any of them as he was with his best friend.

“And what would you be doing if you weren’t going to prom?” Steph asked, voice high and sweet as she levelled him with a knowing look.

Tim flushed and shifted in his seat, not wanting to start their usual argument over Jason they’d been having as of late. It was bad enough Steph was accusing him of having feelings for Jason and he had to deny it at every turn, but it was almost worse that Tim was actively battling his crush and had been since January.

He wasn’t sure if he was happy or heartbroken that he wouldn’t have to be faced with Jason again once May rolled around and they walked across the stage to receive their diplomas. He didn’t want to part with him. As much as he’d hated him before, he couldn’t imagine not having him in his life now that they’d gotten the chance to bond over movies and homework and Jason had become someone he considered a friend.

Tim stared out the window as the limo wove through the streets in his neighborhood and turned towards the streets of Gotham. The others around him started talking and Tim tuned it out once their initial attempts at trying to draw him into their conversation failed.

He wondered what Jason was doing. He wondered if he’d made popcorn and which movie he was watching, if he was watching one at all. He might not have been in the mood to watch a movie and was reading a book instead. He hadn’t made much progress through the pile on his bedside table lately, more concerned with getting his assignments for his AP classes done and studying for the tests that would be coming the next week.

“Tim. Tim!”

He jolted and looked up, finding Steph standing with a hand on her hip in the limo door. Everyone else had already crawled out and were waiting for him. He flushed and hurried to step out of the limo.

Steph shut the door behind him and reminded the driver what time he’d need to be back to pick them up.

Tim trailed behind the group as they headed for the open gym doors. Balloons swayed in the nighttime air and music filtered out from the darkened interior.

They stepped inside, a few white strobe lights flashing over the dance floor. Softer, electric lamps lit up the refreshments table in the corner and the tables around the perimeter of the room.

Tim’s smile was tight as he took his picture and hurried inside, not caring if he left Steph and the others behind.

“Tim, what’s wrong with you?” Steph asked, catching his elbow.

He heaved a sigh, looking around the room. “Nothing, I just, wanted to get a drink is all.”

She stared at him, eyebrows furrowing but let his arm go as the rest of their group came up behind them. “Okay, if you’re sure. I think we’re going to head on out to the dance floor.”

Tim smiled and slipped away as she turned to talk to everyone else. He walked around the back of the table and filled a paper cup with punch. He tossed it back and swallowed, the sweet taste bursting to life over his tongue.

He sighed and crushed the cup in his hand, tossing it into the waiting garbage can. He spotted Steph moving through the crowd as she dipped her head to the beat of the music. Tim knew he’d be expected to dance to at least one song during the night but the thought of getting into the midst of the thrashing bodies was horrific and one he didn’t want to participate in.

Tim shuffled over to the corner, hoping the shadows would keep him concealed from Steph’s prying eyes. He tilted his head back, letting it hit the painted brick behind him. His heart was several streets away at Jason’s apartment. That’s where he wanted to be. That’s where he knew he could be happy.

He straightened spine snapping into place and he glanced at the dance floor again. Steph was completely consumed with the people around her and he knew he wouldn’t be missed as long as she was surrounded with people who cared as much about prom as she did.

Tim glanced at the gym doors and started for them, intent on leaving prom and all of this behind. He darted around people crossing the floor for drinks or the dance floor and fought his way through the wave of people that pushed through the double doors after getting their pictures taken.

“If you leave, there’s no reentry!” one of the volunteers called after him.

Tim waved his hand over his head and took off, sprinting across the parking lot for the sidewalk. The toes of his dress shoes nipped at his toes, but he couldn’t find it in himself to care, not when he finally had the chance to close the gaping distance that had been pulling at him for most of the night.

His suit jacket flapped against him as he ran and turned the corner. He barely noticed his labored breaths as he crossed the next street, barely making it across before the light changed and cars whizzed through the spot where he’d just been.

He charged down the sidewalk, darting around people who stared at him, no doubt worried that he’d lost his mind and would last out at the next person in his path. He practically sighed when he caught sight of Jason’s apartment building and jumped off the edge of the sidewalk, high-tailing it across the two lanes of traffic that ran in front of the building without a care in the world.

He shoved the broken gate open and took the stairs two at a time before he made it to the floor of Jason’s apartment. He swallowed and fought to catch his breath as he walked the last few feet to stand in front of his door.

Tim raised his hand, hesitating for only a moment before he knocked several times. He pressed his lips together to try and calm his breathing and waited, hoping he hadn’t misjudged everything between him and Jason. He heard the muffled sounds of someone moving around inside and Jason’s grumbling reached his ears as he approached the door.

It stopped when he no doubt glanced through the peephole and saw him standing there.

The lock clicked and the door was yanked open a second later, Jason staring at him with wide eyes as he braced a hand on the doorjamb.

“Tim?” he asked. “What are you doing here? You’re supposed to be at prom. Hell, you’re wearing a tux!” he cried, looking him up and down.

Tim smiled, trying to put Jason at ease even though he was still a little breathless. “I left.”

“You left?” Jason asked. He ran a hand through his hair, obviously trying to make sense of everything going on around him. “Jesus just…get in here,” he said, pulling Tim inside.

Tim stumbled slightly but righted himself quickly when Jason shut the door and locked it before turning to face him.

“Okay, explain,” he said. “Why did you leave prom?”

Tim shrugged, losing some of his earlier confidence but he knew he couldn’t beat around the bush. They’d been doing it for long enough and the end of the year was crawling closer with every day that passed. Tim was going to run out of time if he didn’t make a move soon and at least try to go after what he really wanted. And if he ruined it, then he wouldn’t have to see Jason ever again after graduation.

“I realized prom wasn’t where I wanted to be.”

“I know that,” Jason huffed. “You spent months complaining about having to go. But why are you here?”

Tim took a deep breath and squared his shoulders, trying to meet Jason’s eyes even in the face of possible rejection.

“This is where I wanted to be.”

“In my apartment?” Jason asked, making a face.

Tim huffed and rolled his eyes. “You know, for someone as smart as you, you can be really fucking stupid sometimes.”

“Just tell me what you mean!” Jason cried, running his hands through his hair.

“I wanted to be here with you,” Tim shot back.

Jason froze and stared at him, eyes wide.

Tim sighed, shoulders sagging. “I didn’t want to be at prom. I wanted to be spending time with you. Here or anywhere. I don’t really care as long as you’re there.”

“Tim, I-” Jason started and stopped before staring at him.

“I…like you,” Tim said, voice careful and steady. “I have for a while and I realized the only way I actually wanted to be at prom was if you were there with me. But if I’m being completely honest…if I had to choose between being with you at prom and being with you here so we could chill and watch movies, I’d definitely choose being here.”

Jason gaped, mouth moving as he tried to find something to say. “Okay,” he finally said, voice higher than normal. “Okay, so that’s a thing.”

Tim chuckled, his chest warming at seeing Jason flustered in front of him as he tried to process everything Tim just admitted. He shoved his hands into his pockets and rocked back on his heals.

“So…” Tim said, glancing around. “Not that I’m not happy to have finally told you that, but I wouldn’t mind you telling me if you feel the same? Because if not-”

“I do!” Jason said, waving his hands in front of him like he was afraid Tim was going to walk away. “God yes, I feel the same way. It was driving me insane because I thought you didn’t want to be anything more than friends and then when things were weird between us after our history project I thought-”

“I know,” Tim agreed, wincing at the memory. “That wasn’t a happy time. And winter break was awful because I didn’t get to see you and I didn’t get to talk to you. Everything sucked and I couldn’t wait to start school again if it meant getting to see you in class.”

“Me too. And I like you, too,” Jason said, cheeks turning pink. “I guess I should actually say that and not let us keep going around in circles but…yeah I like you, too.”

Tim grinned, feeling happier than he had in a long time. “I know this is kind of sudden but I already ran out of prom to come here do you think we could-”

“Movie marathon?” Jason asked hopefully.

Tim nodded.

“I’ve already made popcorn,” Jason said, stepping past him.

“Wait,” Tim said, catching his elbow.

Jason frowned and looked down at the hand on his arm before giving Tim a questioning look. “What is it?”

“Do you mind if I…” Tim trailed off and sucked in a breath before he rocked up onto his toes and pressed his lips to Jason’s cheek in a quick kiss. He wanted to go for the lips, but he wasn’t sure where Jason’s boundaries were since things were all kind of new between them.

Jason pressed his lips together, trying to hide the pleased smile that pulled at his lips.

“Come on,” he muttered, tugging Tim down the hall to his room.

Jason started the movie that was paused on his computer and made himself comfortable on the bed, moving the bowl of popcorn around to keep it from spilling.

Tim bent over and unlaced his dress shoes before pushing them off. He slid his jacket from his shoulders and draped it over the back of Jason’s desk chair. He yanked off is bowtie and breathed a sigh, happy to be free of the constricting material.

He crawled onto the bed next to Jason and pressed their shoulders together. Jason glanced at him and met his gaze, smile small and personal and sweet. He shifted towards Tim and reached for him before hesitating.

“Can I…” Jason asked.

Tim nodded and waited a beat as Jason’s hand came to rest on his cheek. They gazed into each other’s eyes, the movie playing in the background as they gave it none of their attention.

Jason ducked his head and pressed their lips together. Tim sighed and wrapped his arm around Jason’s shoulders, sliding closer. Jason tilted his head forward, searching for more contact.

Warmth spread in Tim’s chest and he was happy to spend the rest of the night, and even wishing he could have spent the next day, curled up with Jason and getting to know him in all the ways he hadn’t gotten to yet.

“You look amazing,” Jason whispered, staring into Tim’s shining blue eyes.

“So do you,” Tim agreed, grin crooked as they slowly turned in the middle of the dance floor.

Moonlight cascaded through the skylight over their head now that the lights had been dimmed and candles flickered on the tables surrounding the dance floor.

“Can you believe we’re finally here?” Jason asked, glancing around at the tables around them.

“I know,” Tim sighed. He pressed their foreheads together and closed his eyes, trusting Jason to guide him around the floor. He wouldn’t let him fall. He’d never let him fall. Or he’d catch him if he went. “We’ve been planning this for so long and now it’s finally here.”

Tim tightened his hand on Jason’s shoulder, the cooler temperature of the band around his finger pressing into his skin. Jason pulled him closer, flattening his palm on Tim’s lower back.

“And to think so many things could’ve gone differently, and we might not have made it here at all,” Jason whispered.

Tim chuckled and pulled back, grin nearly hurting his cheeks. He glanced around and saw other couples had begun to join them as they danced.

“Ms. Edwards?” Tim asked.

Jason bit his lip, trying to fight down his own grin. “Exactly what I was thinking,” he agreed with a low laugh that made warmth curl in Tim’s stomach whenever he made Jason laugh.

“It’s been eight years since we’ve had her, but none of this would’ve happened without her.”

Jason’s brow furrowed. “It’s kind of scary that she was able to see so much potential between us. Especially when we hated each other’s guts.”

Tim shrugged. “Yeah but someone had to kick some sense into us. And finding even ground was easier through schoolwork than if we’d been forced together for something else. We wouldn’t have stayed in the same room long enough to talk if it wasn’t a requirement.”

“And now I can’t imagine anything better than being stuck with you.”

Tim pulled his hand free from Jason’s and wrapped his arms around Jason’s shoulders. He pulled him down for a kiss, one of the first they’d gotten to share as they started the rest of their shared lives together.

If you enjoy my work, please reblog or consider buying me a ko-fi!

#jaytim #molim writes #high school au #enemies to friends to lovers

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meredithritchie · 6 years

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Mask of Anonymity: Anonymous Asks as a Teen Outlet

[The following is an article I wrote for a campus submission. I retained the rights to publish it here, as well. It regards my experiences as a fandom blogger.]

“Hi, I’ve been suffering with what is probably depression for years without any help and recently it’s been getting worse,” begins the anonymous message that drops into my inbox one night. It’s a teenager asking me how to keep themself stable until they can get a diagnosis from a pediatrician. I tell them I’m proud of them. I tell them I’m not an expert. I tell them to be kind to themself. I tell them they’re loved.

Since founding my Tumblr blog in April of 2017, these messages have become almost routine. In just a few months of actively posting my fanedits and fanfiction online, I amassed almost five thousand followers. In this particular fandom, where the most popular bloggers have ten thousand followers, that’s a dramatic amount. Via the blog’s anonymous ask feature (colloquially called “anons”), anyone in the world can drop a question into my inbox without revealing their username, even if they aren’t one of those five thousand. Many if not most of these followers are minors, and some of them are not even of the minimum age to use the site: thirteen. My sister is twelve and loves watching fandom videos on YouTube, and in one year, she will be old enough to make an account with access to my blog and the blogs of all five thousand of my followers. I wonder if she’ll be one of the faceless messages I get in my ask box.

“Could I ask for some advice? It's about gynaecologists and vaginal health while being trans.”

“What I’m wondering is, how did you go about narrowing down lists of colleges to go to?”

“I basically cant[sic] think anymore and it's really hard to do school work because of this. Do you have any advice?”

“How does one stop obsessing over someone, when that person will never be theirs?”

“Hey I really need some help like older sister stuff help”

“I had a breakdown at school today. At least I think that’s what happened because I don’t remember it clearly.”

Some of it is generalized, and some of it is specific, but it all comes from a recognizable place of teen struggle and fear. Sometimes these messages linger in my inbox, as I try to struggle for just the right words. Other times I feel urgency, and dash off a response as quickly as possible. I re-read the post later and wonder if I said the right things, if I said what I meant. I’m not the only one.

Other fandom blogs, some even larger than I am, have turned off anons or closed their ask box entirely because of an influx of personal rants, requests for help, and even suicide notes. While Tumblr’s anon feature is meant to be a place for shy and intimidated users to express themselves in a way that isn’t possible via conventional social media like Facebook and Twitter, the double anonymity of a hidden screenname offers confidence to say things that are otherwise difficult or even unsayable. When it comes to personal questions and statements, many young people lack a safe location to speak them, and the ask box offers a unique relief. Many teens don’t want to speak to their parents, teachers, or guardians about their sex life, their mental health, or their personal problems. Even Googling answers sparks fear that a teacher will confiscate their phone, or a parent will borrow their laptop, and evidence will be left in view. With a generalized segregation of America by age, most teens also don’t have other adults which they can speak to on a friendly basis, let alone speak to face to face for advice on difficult issues. Often the only adults that young people interact with face-to-face are authority figures like older relatives, teachers, and coaches. In the absence of face-to-face interactions, teens instead turn to the leaders of their fandoms, who often foster online personas as Fandom Rens, Moms, Uncles, and Sisters. Plenty of older fandom members cultivate this image, though “older” is relative and in a small community these members may be only eighteen or nineteen years old, though they are generally in their twenties and thirties. While many fandoms have a primary userbase of tweens and teens, these senior members often run the most popular blogs and produce the highest quality fanart, fanfiction, and other fan content. During fandom “discourse,” these older members often lead the way and resolve conflict.

“Discourse” in fandom is not like discourse in the academic sense. While academic discourse encompasses many elements of rhetoric and debate, fandom “discourse” is essentially a euphemism for argument, frequently with an ethical element or discussion of “problematic” behavior. This discourse can involve either relationships between real human beings like celebrities and fandom members or the content of any fictional work contained in the fandom canon. The wide umbrella of “discourse” covers everything from discussion of whether a fandom celebrity’s recent comment was racist all the way to whether fanwriting two characters romantically is incestual when both characters are figments of a third character’s imagination. In essence, discourse gets hairy, complicated, and even philosophical. Like real political and social issues and like fandom itself, discourse gives some young people a sense of belonging and also the feeling that they are on the side of right and reason. An individual’s choice to participate in discourse becomes part of their identity.

In this way, fandom becomes what Mary Louise Pratt refers to as a contact zone, “where cultures meet, clash, and grapple with each other.” Through fanfiction “AUs” (alternate universes) fans of color write white characters as PoC, queer fans write cisgender/heterosexual characters as LGBT+, and neuroatypical fans write neurotypical characters as autistic, depressed, anxious, or otherwise neuroatypical. While alternate universe only emerged as a genre with the rise of the internet, these stories reflect a longer history of the insertion of the subordinate into dominant texts. Pratt refers to a text called The First Chronicle and Good Government, in which a man native to South America uses the language of his colonizers, the Spanish, to talk about the experience of the indigenous people, “in which the subordinated subject single-handedly gives himself authority in the colonizer’s language and verbal repertoire.” Through this text, Pratt touches on what she calls transculturation, a product of the contact zone, in which “members of subordinated or marginal groups select and invent from materials transmitted by a dominant or metropolitan culture.” In the modern world, the dominant culture produces Steve Rogers, a cisgender man, and fandom reinvents him as a transgender man. The dominant culture creates Hermione Granger and Harry Potter, two white children, and fandom reinvents them as black and Indian. The dominant culture offers Legolas and Gimli, both ambiguously straight, and fandom reinvents them as a gay couple. For young marginalized people encountering this kind of contact zone for the first time, fandom becomes a community that is irreplaceable and unique, where they have the ability to express themselves and see themselves in characters.

Between the aspects of community in fandom itself and the discourse which offers a cause and creates both positive and negative relationships, it is hardly surprising that young people turn to fandom elders when they encounter a problem. After watching older fandom members participate in, manage, or even quell discourse, younger fandom members begin to look up to them as people who have all the answers, as leaders of this unique community. The availability of anonymity makes the opportunity even more enticing. A kind older fandom member becomes everyone’s shoulder to cry on, everyone’s outlet, and everyone’s therapist. While this may serve as a resource for plenty of teens, there is always an associated toll taken on the mental wellbeing of the members who serve them. Fandom creators want to help their followers, but may be struggling with their own past or present depression, anxiety, PTSD, eating disorders, body image issues, and attacks on their identity.

Self-proclaimed “Fandom Grandpa” @randomslasher (known in the community as LJ) runs the largest art and writing blog in my fandom and has struggled with a history of anon rants and anon requests both to themself and to their partner Thuri, who also runs a popular blog. As long ago as 2013, LJ posted, “I don’t think I will ever understand people who hide behind a mask of anonymity for the sole purpose of making someone else feel bad. Just because we can do something doesn’t mean we should [emphasis original].” LJ has made additional posts before and since requesting that people abstain from ranting into their inbox, but the issue continues for LJ and other major bloggers who gain new followers every single day. Many of these anonymous messages are never published, as evidenced by posts like this one, which appeared on LJ’s blog in 2018: “Anon i’m sorry to hear that, but that wasn’t a safe ask to send someone without a trigger warning, and i won’t publish it. Try to get help if you can.” The message of the post alone is ominous, and one can only guess at the content of the ask.

The teenage years are known to be a time of struggle, both personal and social. This is significant now more than ever as depression and anxiety rates among teens rise, and many teens experience suicidal ideation, unhealthy relationships with their own bodies, and struggles with their gender and sexuality in addition to the classic problems of teenhood which should be no more serious than asking someone to homecoming, getting a driver’s license, or taking a chemistry exam. However, as student struggles become more severe, especially among marginalized groups, resources to cope with this period is not moving apace, and young people use fandom as a resource to get answers and to express themselves. Older fandom members are suddenly bearing the weight of hundreds of teen struggles, and most of them have no formal training or resources to cope with them.

#writing

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dawnfelagund · 6 years

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The B2MeM Effect: On Community and Commenting

For the past few months, I have been thinking and posting a lot about commenting, namely what causes it to go up (or down) and how we, The Tolkienfic Fandom, can improve commenting on stories. All of the research I’ve done points to the fact that comments have dropped off in recent years, and this harms us as a community. Figuring out how to fix this is important to me. In a post I wrote in December for @longlivefeedback, I synthesized some of my data and ideas on the subject of commenting, drawing the conclusion that a sense of community encourages commenting:

[My] data suggest that non-commenting authors don’t feel as deep of a community connection as Tolkienfic authors and community members in general. As noted above, 78% of participants want to leave comments more often on what they read. Perhaps not surprisingly, given the above, for non-commenting authors, that number drops to 63%. This suggests that, in addition to confidence, a community connection fosters a desire to comment.

Last month was Back to Middle-earth Month (B2MeM, @backtomiddleearthmonth). As an admin of this event, I noticed something interesting as I perused the fanworks being posted: The comment counts were much higher than normal for the Tolkienfic fandom. This sent me back to this earlier idea that community facilitates commenting.

I waited a month and returned to the first two weeks of fanworks posted for B2MeM. I also looked at AO3 and my own archive, the Silmarillion Writers’ Guild, and the number of comments being posted on those sites during the same time period. Here is the frequency of comment counts for the three sites:

There is more discussion and data below the jump

Methodology

I looked at all single-chapter English-language fanworks posted on the three sites between the dates March 1 and March 14, 2018, inclusive.

Note that not all fanworks were fiction: There was also meta, art, and playlists, although most fanworks were fiction.

I looked only at top-level comments on sites that use threaded comments.

AO3 data came from the category TOLKIEN J. R. R. - Works & Related Fandoms.

I collected this data on April 14, 2018.

Additional Data

During the two-week period analyzed, the following number of eligible fanworks were posted to each of the three sites:

AO3 = 169

SWG = 19

B2MeM = 55

The median number of comments received on each site for eligible fanworks:

AO3 = 1

SWG = 1

B2MeM = 4

The percentage of eligible fanworks that did not receive any comments:

AO3 = 33%

SWG = 26%

B2MeM = 9%

Some Observations

In every measure, commenting was best on B2MeM. If you look at the graph I posted above, on both the SWG and AO3, fewer fanworks have higher numbers of comments. The exact opposite is true on B2MeM: relatively few fanworks have between 0 and 3 comments. The number of fanworks receiving 4 comments, however, jumps and only slowly declines through 8 comments. This is the window where AO3 drops and the SWG disappears entirely.

B2MeM stories, not surprisingly, received a much higher median number of comments. Furthermore, you have a less than one in ten chance of posting a fanwork to B2MeM and receiving no comments, compared to a one in four chance on the SWG and a one in three chance on AO3.

Community Comparisons

Back to Middle-earth Month is an annual Tolkienfic fandom “holiday” that has run every March for the past twelve years. It began in 2006 as an anonymous meme intended to keep excitement high in the fandom after the Peter Jackson films. A few fic fandom groups, including the SWG, began sponsoring B2MeM events that year. Eventually, only the SWG continued participating, until they brought on other groups to help them organize annual events. In 2013, B2MeM shifted to LiveJournal as a centralized location, slowly separating from its sponsoring groups. Last year, the event migrated to Dreamwidth, where the 2018 event was hosted. The event’s history is described in greater detail on Fanlore.

B2MeM has always had a strong sense of community. I believe there are several reasons for this. For one, it is a month-long event, and past events have been rather intense (the infamous 2012 bingo event even resulted in the creation of an unofficial support community), generating hundreds of fanworks in some years. Some events require a degree of interaction on the community, i.e., it is not always enough to just sign up, make a fanwork, then post and ghost. Its original format as an event run on Tolkien-specific fanworks groups provided ready-made communities, who then interacted during March (rather like branches of an extended family coming together at an annual family reunion). Even once it became a standalone entity, its centralization on LJ/DW rather than Tumblr continued to make it easy for participants to interact with each other and creates the sense that participants are posting for other community members rather than the public. Participants often return year and year, and in some years, the excitement around the announcement of B2MeM events has been quite high. Finally, B2MeM frequently includes a comment challenge as part of its annual event, not only encouraging commenting but communicating the importance of commenting to culture of B2MeM.

The SWG and AO3 are archives, not communities. The SWG is a relatively small site and, because it only accepts Silmarillion-based fanworks, has a more limited purpose than B2MeM and especially AO3; however, perhaps because it is a small group catering to a narrow set of interests, it has more of a “feel” of a community than AO3. Like a small town, it is relatively easy for “everyone to know everyone,” if the effort is made to interact. The SWG also sponsors regular challenges--including comment challenges--and other group events. Therefore, feedback is slightly better on the SWG than AO3 despite the fact that the former is much smaller than the latter. If a sense of community is indeed important to commenting, it is perhaps not surprising that feedback is most dismal on the sprawling, multipurpose AO3.

Other Confounds and Factors

There are a few other factors to keep in mind, however.

First of all, there is overlap between all three groups, and B2MeM may influence the data on other sites. Some fanworks, for example, were posted to B2MeM and one or even both of the other sites. A B2MeM participant who may have read and commented on that story on AO3, for example, may choose instead to comment on the B2MeM site, driving AO3′s data lower and inflating B2MeM’s. Furthermore, because activity on B2MeM can be so intense--some authors create and post a fanwork every day or nearly so--these authors’ energy may be redirected from reading and commenting on sites outside B2MeM.

There was also a decrease in commenting as the first two weeks of B2MeM progressed. This graph shows the number of comments for each fanwork posted between March 1 and March 14.

Notice that the very high comment counts are almost all in the first week. As the second week winds to a close, commenting slows down. Most of the fanworks that received no comments were found in the second week.

This suggests that the “B2MeM effect” may be at least somewhat dependent on the fact that B2MeM is a time-limited event driven in a large part by a brief burst of excitement and energy. Is it possible to sustain B2MeM levels of commenting across longer periods of time? How much of the “B2MeM effect” can be explained by excitement and energy around an anticipated annual event that slowly wanes as the month wears on?

Conclusions

That a sense of community plays at least some role in the “B2MeM effect” is, I think, a reasonable conclusion from this data. B2MeM generally has more fanworks posted than the SWG and less than AO3. It pulls from varied corners of the fandom. And yet comment counts are unusually high. I believe that at least part of this is due to the sense of shared endeavor that has grown up around B2MeM. It is not merely an archive for one’s work but an event where part of the fun is construed as seeing how others respond to the same challenges and--perhaps most importantly--participants see one of their roles as lending support to each other through those challenges, often in the form of feedback.

If we want to improve commenting in the Tolkienfic fandom (and other fandoms facing this problem as well), I believe we must fix the lack of a sense of community first. This is not to say that there is no community in the Tolkienfic fandom now. Clearly there is. Personally speaking, I have friends I’ve made through the SWG, LJ and DW, and Tumblr with whom I interact regularly; I’ve met at least one person met through each of these sites in person. However, the Tolkienfic fandom looks very different today, in 2018, than it did ten or twelve years ago, when most fannish activity occurred on Tolkien-specific archives and social media sites. Nearly all of these groups incorporated a community component. Sites like the Henneth-Annûn Story Archive, for example, had extensive forums for members to interact with each other. Nearly all sites had mailing lists and sometimes journal communities where members could further interact, discuss questions of canon, and talk about their writing in a more informal setting than the comments on an archive. The sense of community was very different then: You interacted with a more limited group of people, but you interacted more deeply with those people. Perhaps not surprisingly, commenting was more frequent then.

Today, the fandom is increasingly moving toward consolidation on a handful of enormous, multipurpose sites, namely AO3 and Tumblr. It is unsurprising that community is harder to achieve here, especially since neither site provides tools that facilitate it. (Even Fanfiction.net, the big multifandom archive before AO3 came on the scene, had forums.) So what to do?

We need more events that specifically seek to encourage interaction and community. There are more people active in the fandom now than ever (aside from the bursts during and immediately after the films) and yet fewer events and challenges than there were ten years ago (and most of those are being run by veteran fans or organizations that have been around that long, like @legendariumladiesapril and @teitho). Seriously, anyone can run an event. (I was profoundly unqualified to start the SWG and launch B2MeM into a major event; I survived and you will too.)

Events should encourage collaboration, interaction, and commenting, not just post and ghost.

We need more spaces built and controlled by members of our own community. We are losing Tolkienfic archives at an alarming rate. If you answer yes to the question, “Are you in the Tolkienfic fandom?” I would encourage you to support at least one site or community that is not Tumblr or AO3. (And “supporting” can look like stopping by every week or so and reading and commenting on a story or two.) The link above has a list of Tolkienfic archives; it would be lovely to see some of them come off of the inactive list. There are still active communities on Dreamwidth and LiveJournal. There are even still mailing lists just waiting for someone to care enough to resurrect them.

But in order to achieve the former, we need an open-source, current software option for building fandom sites, and one that can be used by someone with minimal web development experience. When the school year is over, I plan to pursue the development of a Drupal module for a fiction archive. If there is someone able to do this in the meantime, message me and I’ll gladly hand over the reins. In short, I strongly believe that if you want to build an independent community for fans, you should be able to do so.

#tolkien #b2mem #commenting #fan fiction communities #fan fiction feedback

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warenakita · 3 years

Text

Interview with Lensa Seni (Cendana)

For the first time, we were on the opposite side of the interview table! A weird feeling but welcoming one nevertheless. We'd like to thank Lu Yin for giving WK the opportunity to sift our thoughts on why we do what we do. Anyway, here's what we wrote back to Lu Yin upon receiving the questions via email. You may also read the published interview by Lu Yin here.

1.How did the Warenakita Collaborative come about? How has its goals, focus or strategies changed over the months?

BQ: Nisa and I created Warena Collaborative (WK) to give a name to our collaboration in 2020.

Our first collaboration documents the natural pigments we used in our practice of ceramic and printmaking. Hence the old Malay name “Warenakita” which means “warna kita” or “our colours”.

Our goals have always been to share our/other creative journeys, findings and resources with those that can benefit from it. WK focus has always been about craft, design and natural philosophy (natural science or study of nature). Our strategies? Always adapting with the tides of interest, resources and (economical) platforms. We get bored easily so it’s very important to have fun and enjoy the things we do here or change it up to make it anew.

2.You focus on the crafts of work that are made from natural environment. Also, you combine arts and science together to address issues that matter such as climate change. Through this project, why is it important to address these topics?

NN: Balqis and I are both practicing very different crafts, Balqis with sun printing and myself doing ceramics. However what we share and feel strongly about in both our practices is the appreciation of nature; the beauty and wisdom that nature offers. While working with elements of nature, we can’t help but re-examining our understanding and perception of the world around us, questioning the world view or the Weltanschauung. Oftentimes, we find that the ways we live our life are not aligned with the natural order of things, which consequently generate undesirable effects. We have become so used to the ‘unnatural’ way of life because it is deeply embedded within the fabric of society, local and global scale at large. We were never intentionally trying to fight for environmental causes such as climate change but by immersing ourselves in the natural world we cannot help but be aware of the issues surrounding it. We start realizing that the world and everything in it is much more intertwined and connected than we ever give much thought of. Everything that we do, some ways or another will have its consequences, be it positive or negative on our surroundings. That’s what we hope to share with our audiences as well, the intricacies and complexities of our world, that we are very much connected and dependant on each other. To put it simply, we are a part of nature.

3.How did the both of you meet? What are your individual entry points or reasons to working on this project and these themes?

BQ: We both first met at a mutual friend’s exhibition in Zhongshan Building, two wall flowers fending for themselves. As two in-silo makers, we both voiced the lack of financial and resources to support young practitioners. A lot of (online) check-ins, sharing our insights and figuring out ways to move forward together. Basically being a good cheerleader to one another. On a plus side, we both compliment things we lacked in each other. Nisa is quiet but she has a powerful observation that packs a punch and perhaps on my side, I contribute through my love for order and planning. Empowered from our collaboration, we want to support other alternative practitioners too . By giving them this platform (Alternatif Sundays), a safe space to share, inspire and garner potential collaborators from other disciplines.

4.Could you explain the creative process behind working on Warenakita Collaborative, from selecting the participants to supporting their projects?

NN: At the moment, we are running a project called Alternatif Sunday under the banner of WarenaKita Collaborative where we highlight stories of great interest and importance which are aligned with the intention of WarenaKita. We begin by identifying potential individuals, groups or projects to be highlighted. Once Balqis and I agree on them, we will have a brainstorming session with the invited guest(s)/collaborator(s) where we get to know more about them personally and also their works. After the brainstorming, we will start to formulate and prepare for the interview session which is the culmination of the collaborative efforts. After the interview, we will move on to the editing and curating before we release the content. We are still new at this, so it has been pretty much a lot of trial and error, exploring different ways and platforms that we can best utilize to create the most beneficial outcome. We’ve been utilizing a lot of the online platforms, as a response to the current situation we are in. We are still in that process of learning, exploring and growing alongside our guest(s)/collaborator(s) and we are extremely grateful that they have been so supportive throughout the entire process.

5.What are the criteria when selecting the participants to support them?

BQ: Local practitioner(s) that works in silo (solo, isolated or works in niched practices) in the field of craft, design or science. We want to highlight those research and practices working in the interjection of culture, tradition, history, ecology & scientific knowledge. Many creatives benefit from multi-disciplinary backgrounds and collaboration so we want to show and highlight that as much as possible so we can encourage an ecosystem of practitioners. One that can help each other and drive on healthy collaboration and competition.

6.What were the challenges you faced in this project? How did you overcome them?

NN: One of the major challenges would be balancing between the commitment for WarenaKita and our own practices and works. WarenaKita came to be as a passion project for both Balqis and I, meaning that we are investing our own time and effort into this while still running our own creative practices and businesses, as well as working other jobs. So we have to adjust the amount of commitment that we can give to WarenaKita depending on our availability and capacity. For now, we are in the middle of recruiting more people to get on board and be part of the team as well as building up our portfolio to apply for funds and grants to ensure long term sustainability of the initiative.

7.From the episodes in the first IGTV series, which story impacts you the most and why?

BQ: Each individual's story impacts us in one way or another. But on a personal level, Afiq and Shu's “The Last Glow” collaboration has challenged my worldview with its message. I can't unsee the damage we have done to our ocean nor its inhabitants. Ignorance is not a bliss. Last but not least, Huda & Dr Azril's sharing in “The Darkroom Practitioners”- based on a mutual love for slow craft and traditional image-making. Just talking and listening to both of them gives me so much hope and courage to persevere in my own journey. I can't emphasise how important it is to listen and share our own creative journey with others in order to relieve and empower each other. We need to practice more empathy and solidarity.

8.What exciting episode in your upcoming series we will be looking forward to?

NN: We do have a number of guest(s)/collaborator(s) in our mind, from diverse backgrounds and places. Among them are an artist-curator, a Singaporean writer, paper artisan, furniture designer, art teacher and many more. We are always on the lookout for potential guest(s)/collaborator(s) so the list will grow as we go along.

9.Since the pandemic, people in the art industry have shifted gears to incorporate technology such as showcasing exhibitions on social media and websites and running online discussions via Zoom and Google Meet. For your case, how do you transcend your art with technology? How has technology benefited or hindered you in the creative process?

BQ: With practitioners that use their hand, traditional tools and variety of materials or components for making, the physical and tactile experience with their work and clients are still superior over online presence. However, we don't deny the limitations we faced today with the inability to meet or travel as freely we did before.

Social media and websites helped to boost our business presence whereas online discussion via Zoom & Google Meet allow the best of face-to-face, real-time conversation with audience or potential clients during this pandemic. With the right strategy, technology can assist hands-on practitioners to cast a wider net of clienteles and sustain their business in these hard times.

But personally, for small practices, it's a double edge sword. For instance, too much social media and time spent online takes away the spirit and time for creation and exploration. We as practitioners need to be in full presence, in the physical field or consciousness to develop our craft. Each practitioner needs to find their own balance in order to avoid tech anxiety which Nisa and I personally faced from time to time. No doubt about that.

10.What are your opinions about the craft industry adapting to modern aspects (such as science and technology) in Malaysia?

NN: Craft originally has never been separated from science and technology. Take ceramics for example, the craftsmen need to have a good understanding of the clay material and other minerals, which involve to some extent geological and chemistry knowledge. They need to know how to control and predict the firing, which requires extensive experimentations and a whole lot of trials and errors to be developed. It’s just that the knowledge was never formalized in writings and books but was passed down from generations through verbal communication. Craft was not something trivial, but accompanied with long time dedication and commitment to knowledge and learning. However today it feels like most of our crafts have lost that meaningful tradition and perhaps that could be one of the reasons why the general perception of craft is rather shallow and reductive. I hope we can revive that tradition again, that craft should be practiced alongside the pursuit of knowledge. That’s how we can bring meaning and value back into our craft practices.

11.In 5 years, what do you hope to see in the Malaysian craft scene?

BQ: I hope for the craft scene in the coming years to be more embolden to make our tradition relevant to the younger generation, to thrive together in a symbiotic ecosystem not based on driving away competition but rather on support and encouragement for one another. To not just celebrate the objects, art or tradition but also the very people, community and individual that is the 'heart' of the craft.

Today we see a lot of young craft practitioners are starting out and they are looking for the meanings and values to their particular crafts, us included. I hope to see more meaningful exploration of craft that is accompanied with the pursuit of knowledge, wherever the knowledge can come from; be it from nature, the wisdom of the past or the modern technological advancement and research. There is so much value and lesson in craft that we take for granted or are not aware of, and I hope to spread the joy and appreciation for craft, for simple things in life. Naturally, the preservation and appreciation of craft will continue on as we see more practitioners are dedicating their passion and commitment and most importantly, love into the craft that they are producing. People will notice, and they will become appreciative. It’s also important to see more of such stories being told out there so that the voices of the craftspeople, researchers and thinkers can be amplified to reach a wider public. There is strength in numbers, so I also hope to see more craft communities emerge where ideas and knowledge can be shared and discussed actively.

Check out the published article in Cendana website here.

#artsandcrafts #crafts #sustainablefuture #futurecrafts #artscience

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pigmentplantplace · 3 years