#this must be so fucking confusing with the lack of context

[orkbutch]

I really love that the origin playthroughs add real, otherwise inaccessible context for what the origin characters are experiencing and how their world view works, its amazing. That said first experiencing the actual lived reality of Shar's wound on Shadowheart's hand was fucking gutting. Not a mere bad = pain shock collar, but traumatic visions of being abused as a child forced into her head. Your Goddess who you love and who you fear utterly holds a controller that allows her to trigger & retraumatise you at any moment, and she does it when she arbitrarily disapproves of your thoughts and feelings.

Not only is that obviously deeply controlling and traumatising itself, it also captures an experience I think is really interesting, and may be unique to Shadowheart's Lack Of Autonomy Trauma (tm); it turns her automatic internal self, not just her body or thoughts but her Feelings, into things that she fears, and things that betray her. Who she is becomes a threat that she must resist expressing or even experiencing at all, because Shar may notice and punish her for it.

This is why I think of Shadowheart as most likely to be highly dissociative (on top of yknow, the lost time, the focus on oblivion, the routine abuse and the alienation from herself), because she can't really retreat inwards. Even the internal world is unsafe and needs to be escaped sometimes. When thats the case, you either sedate yourself (which I hc that she probably does too often) or you fracture, and numb out.

I think this is why Shadowheart seems to be the least obviously angry of all the companions toward her abuser; anger, even secretly held within to fester into resentment and rage, could not be abided. It had to be totally muted. When she turns from Shar, she is not angry but fearful, regretful, sad, confused. Even when she's free from the wound, she is more mournful than angry. She is ashamed, and deeply devestated. But she doesn't express rage. That emotion is still locked away for her.

I wonder how this impacts Shadowheart's self-trust. Her ability to believe herself, to trust her thoughts and emotions are real. I speculate that Shadowheart internally probably would dismiss lots of thoughts, feelings and desires she had as her being stubborn and disobedient. They were punished as such since she was a child, why wouldn't she believe it? It's difficult to live like that. Nothing feels certain. Nothing but something undeniably bigger than yourself, like faith or a God or the abuser that has put themself there.

When I think about that and the wound on her hand, and Shar's utter cruelty... I'm just floored by how brave Shadowheart is. In most cases, if you've befriended Shadowheart and been nice enough, she will choose to save The Nightsong without any input from you. She is so, so brave. She wants to fight for what feels right, for freedom, and for herself, even when she knows what Shar can and does do to her. She faces down the wrath of a capricious Goddess she's personally angered, and handles it with unsettling grace. Shes so used to pain, and making herself nonexistent, but she still fights for herself. I just love her so much

[omgthatdress]

In case there’s ever been any confusion on the subject: FUCK J.K. Rowling.

Since Rowling turned TERF, there’s been a lot of needed re-evaluation and criticism of the Harry Potter series to come out. YES they lack in diversity. YES the goblins are anti-semitic. YES there’s fatphobia. YES to all of that, but to say they weren’t very good books to begin with? Fuck that. They were wonderful books. The world-building got stretched too thin when taken outside of the original 7 books, but within the context of Harry and Harry’s story, it’s rich, immersive, and delightfully imaginative. They created a place where weirdos and outsiders could easily imagine themselves happily fitting in. They taught me incredibly important lessons about choosing to be a good person, even when it’s incredibly difficult to do so. Lessons that I think about when I’m doing my own writing or facing a difficult choice.  And ironically its these lessons that I learned from Harry Potter that are the reasons that I’m never buying anything from J.K. Rowling ever again.

Cutting Harry Potter out of my life has been hard. I have so many fond memories related to the books and memories, only to have them tainted by the hatred Rowling would later spew. There are phrases in references that have embedded themselves into my vocabulary so much that I say them without thinking. There are times when I wish I could easily just slip back into that world where I could read fanfiction and look forward to going to the theme park in Orlando, or buy fun fan-made merch on Etsy. But that’s gone.

J.K. Rowling has done immeasurable harm to the trans community. For as difficult as it has been for me to do away with Harry Potter, I can’t imagine what it must feel like to be a trans fan, to have your very existence denied by someone who once was such a bright light, and then to see lingering hatred suddenly be given a very big, very loud voice. To be called either helpless and confused and unable to make the right decisions about my own body, or to be called a predator and a rapist and a threat to women. Yes, her opinions align with those of the Nazis. She wants to eliminate trans people from existence. And that doesn’t even begin to cover the blood Rowling has on her hands after the murder of Brianna Ghey. 

Giving up on Harry Potter fucking sucks. It’s something I used to truly love, and I hate letting it go, but it’s something I have to do, because it is simply the right thing to do. There is no half-assing it, you can’t somehow undo purchasing Hogwarts: Legacy by donating to a trans charity. You have to cut the tumor out completely, or else it will grow and metastasize.

Goodbye, Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Hogwarts.

FUCK YOU, J.K. ROWLING.

[shinesurge]

I, for one, would love to read your thoughts on comics vs novels.

A similar bugbear I have is the conflation or comics and animation, two mediums that are both lamentably infantilized. In my opinion we've seen this more in the past twenty years with the mainstream acceptance of anime in the US, the idea that comics are just a storyboard for animation, or just an ancillary tie in.

Utterly foolish.

Hard same about the lack of respect for animation AND viewing comics as a jumping off point for more """legitimate""" forms of art, that's a whole different conversation but UGH ughgjsldjf. Guillermo Del Toro has a lot of good stuff to say about it and he's smarter than I am hehe

ANYWAY I reserve the right to come back and write another essay on this later when I have more time and stamina but my opinion here mostly boils down to the difference between looking at a picture and reading a word, right

In prose, as an author, I have room to take time and use the EXACT words I want to communicate. Those words have definitions, and while I can already hear poets (and my fellow english majors i'm sure) complaining that words are extremely malleable and context dependent, ultimately they DO have definitions no matter what because the writer chose them.

Like, okay, Phineas is looking at Ulrich and I go, in a scene where Phineas is leading, "Ulrich's face is unreadable." It doesn't MATTER what other ways you could read that, I THE AUTHOR have indicated that the thing to take away from this is "Phineas cannot get information from Ulrich's face." Ultimately there's no other way to interpret that sentence in that context, literally just by virtue of having to describe the interaction with words that have definitions I have dictated what I want the takeaway to be. We can discuss that decision all day long, but it IS a concrete aspect that can only ever be concrete, and it must be acknowledged in any analysis; jumping to prose is WILD because I suddenly have infinitely more influence over the audience. Not an inherently bad thing! It is a feature of the medium! BUT

In a comic (IGNORING the thousand billion framing/coloring/lighting/paneling/layout decisions that could multiply the context) this scene would probably be the audience looking at two characters from the outside, with zero concrete guidance from me the author for how exactly to interpret the interaction. Every single reader who looks at those panels could find something different about the art to extrapolate different data from and ALL of their findings could be correct. Looking at their expressions could feel different to everybody, maybe she CAN read his face and still feels confused, maybe she DOES get it and is choosing not to share for reasons. Could be anything!!

And again, listen listen to me I respect prose SO so much and I am not saying at all that it isn't an equally complex and nuanced medium worth analyzing. I went to school specifically for this, almost ALL my biggest artistic influences are prose writers. This is apples and oranges don't anybody dare take this as me putting down writing as art. My point here is I am goddamn tired of comics not getting their due as an extremely complex form of art on its own from anybody anywhere, audiences or publishers or critics or (it often feels like) anyone besides us freaks who are masochistic enough to make them. It's the single most frustrating thing I've encountered in my career and I have no idea what to do about it tbh.

Tangentially, I'm also sick of people going "no totally, comics ARE art. I read Watchmen AND Sandman :)" or like, trotting out some harrowing black and white autobio. Those are fine! It's FINE, I love Sandman, but please fucking god I am begging people to consider newer comics and more varied art styles too, additional good comics HAVE been produced in the last 20 years, and also comics aren't ONLY worth something when they're either working hard to downplay the fact that they're cartoons or dealing with fully realistic heavy topics (or in Sandman's case, allowed a pass because Gaiman is a respected enough creator to be allowed to do his thing).

I'm just tired dude I love comics so much and I believe in telling stories with them that are allowed to be just as weird and varied as stories any other format. We shouldn't have to constantly justify our existence to everybody before we even get to discuss the art itself, I'm so fucking frustrated lmao

[h0n3yk1tt3n]

The last post full of out of context quotes was getting long as fuck so MORE QUOTES WITH @biscuitbakerbecca LETS GO

•2024 is being a 2020-whore

•Phone a little confused but it got the spirit

•Whatever, writing gay fanfic on the clock in rebellion

•:(((((( Saddy Discord is homophobic

•"I did not have sexual relations with your daughter"

•Goddamn these dads just ain’t daddys

•Why must we have an organ that hates us so

•bby girl the food doesn’t go on the floor

•"Is it lazy of me to not change Jeremy’s parents names between fics or am I just Keeping Consistent"

"I'd call that consistency but that's just bc I'm lazy lmao"

•We don't talk about

Hands

•Apparently so scared I used the wrong “to”

•✨️climate change✨️

•The narrative has a cruel sense of humor

•NO NO ITS TOO LATE FOR ME TO THINK ABOUT AXE LADY

•Money can buy science

•You gave me enough dad feelings by putting him in a coma I'm never gonna recover

•GOD FUCKING DAMMIG

•DAD FEELINGS HAVE ENTERED THE CHAT THANKS BECCA

•Maybe if I pass out while writing I’ll dream up an epic fight scene to write poorly

•L2C Jer is full of rage but Jake still outclasses him in everything

•Pussy before pussy amiright????

•Abracaoof

•Deliberate misgenderers get the stab stab

•Jolly ranchers do not make up for your lack of proper gendering skills peasant

•THE WILDERNESS IS PLOTTING AGAINST YOU

•MICHAEL MELL DID YOU MANIFEST AS THE BUG I JUST KILLED???

•MY GOD BECCA WHOS NEXT

•i am not beating the angstlord allegations

•man i traumatized you so bad you blocked out the memory

•I love shoving customers under the sink

•fr we both took our childhood hyperfixations and went "what if blorbo" and just ran with it

•Like dude you just made a pez dispenser for your spider jizz

•…sighed is a word last I checked

•Idk what to put on the shoes

•I was hoping Jeremy would stab him

•American English is so dumb sometimes. No, I'm gonna spell cancelled with two Ls. I'm gonna spell worshipped with two Ps. SHUT UP ITS GREY OK MISS ME WITH THAT GRAY SHIT

•You only know how to write caffeine addicted hero Jeremy, I only know how to write overprotective nearing the point of obsession Michael

•Scraped out of it with tinnitus and ptsd BUT STILL

•So what I'm hearing is they're switches

•I want Jeremy to fight people all the time the man has so much rage in such a sick Victorian child body

•Why did I think you lived with six people

•Mother nature is smokin some shit

•Discord are you smoking the same shit mother nature is

•Oh GOD ITS ACCUMULATING

•Twinkie: Lol

•Tbf this goes way too hard to be in a fast food drive thru

•Sex On A School Night WOULD be an awesome band name

•Fae portal closed before everyone could go thru

•Bitch ass tic tac

[acorpsecalledcorva]

The neuroplasticity (or lack there of) of CDDs is really interesting in how it manifests over time. Because in so many ways I really am still a 5 year old child quietly crying myself to sleep, or a 17 year old girl desperately trying to establish an identity of my own in a world that feels like it has no place for me awash a sea of hormonal changes (second puberty really hits so different and yet so similar). But it also really does afford the room for real growth and change.

That change comes at a cost though, which is that I constantly feel alienated from my past selves. I cannot remember what I used to think, or why I thought it, only what I did and said and maybe what I was interacting with and try to work out my thought process from that. It's like most people are playdough, constantly being reshaped to a lesser or greater degree but still containing all that they were, while I'm Lego, I can be disassembled and reconstructed, but the pieces are solid, adding new bricks as needed and discarding those that are not (or putting them in storage at least).

We are also, of course, products of our environment. When your life is marred by identity uncertainty, we look to our surroundings to give us clues of who we might be. When I was on Reddit and browsed /r/all I would see the occasional tumblrinaction post about the plural community, fictionkins, and IRLs and think "well that's definitely not me. Discovering I was trans and coming to terms with being a marginalised identity, it was discord communities that taught me what that could mean and what I should be ready to fight against. On twitter I was lucky, I found the traumacore/empty spaces community that helped me to process the images I saw in my head that I didn't understand, and use my trauma as a tool of creation.

Taking part in the system community, it was the older focused communities that helped me to understand myself. I honestly don't know what my syscourse stance was back then, if I even had one. There are aspects of the wider online community that just don't vibe with me, some were a little damaging, others were simply incomprehensible to me. Joining Tumblr definitely shoved it in my face though.

The only thing I can imagine is that I must have thought that endogenic plurality was this "other" thing, I knew about DID, what switching and fronting and host and protector and system meant in that context, but endogenic plurality was something else that didn't concern me and I hadn't really come across it yet. So I was absolutely confused as fuck when I came here and saw people using all those "DID" words to mean something else. When anti-endos said "you can't form a system without trauma" that made absolute sense to me at the time because system meant DID and that's caused by trauma, why are people claiming to have DID things and using DID words while also saying that they don't have DID? Actually I do still kinda think the terms should be separate but it's not a battle I can be fucked to argue about anymore.

Because the point is that while online spaces might not change all that much, and there will always be people who join those spaces and be influenced by the culture in them, there are always other spaces that will influence them differently. So while it's absolutely frustrating as fuck to see anti-endos repeating the same horrible origins discourse, and endos saying fucking awful stuff like "I think traumagenic systems cling to trauma as a cause because they feel insecure about being a system", we need to accept that it will still keep happening while the spaces exist and remember that the people from those spaces are the ones with the opportunity to change. To learn, to see things from a different perspective, and most importantly grow.

And if they refuse to? If they keep spouting the same points over and over and over again, refusing to back down or learn, reigniting old arguments and digging stuff up from the past because they just can't let go of it? Just leave them to it I guess, we'll all be off making ourselves and each other better ^^

[boyinafandom]

YOU

Part 1

Song of this installment

Yes I’m bringing this 2020 banger back SHHHH

This is technically an au

In this au there are:

•Toby, still has Tourette's, although barely mentioned when in his pov because he's used to it and tunes it out now

•he still has his canon mental illnesses don’t worry

•he has no cheek scar-he has a lot of freckles though, that he covered in the first story with makeup, because it’s an easy thing to identify him with.

•his family isn’t dead, he’s just fucking crazy or sum idk (this is subject to change though? When i find lore, because in most cases psychopathy is made from child abuse-although it is believed that it may be genetically passed so…)

•reader is trans ftm (read part one for like context in there transition) not apart of the au but im TIRED AND SICK OF THE STRAIGHT FEMALE Y/N WE NEED MORE TRANS REP

TRIGGER WARNINGS

•kidnapping

•implied that someone (and everyone) Y/N knows and works with is now dead

• torture 

•manipulation

•MOMMM TOBYS BEING A MINDLESS HEARTLESS CRAZED FREAK AGAIN

Summary

It’s been about a three years since the whole “clock em over the the head and tie him up in your basement” incident, you thought it was over.

You were sorely mistaken.

______________________

Y/N’S pov

I changed jobs, moved away,changed my name for the 6th time in my life time(while only being 27). Started over. AGAIN. Because I’m incapable of keeping the creeps away.

.

.

.

I don’t know why I didn’t kill him like I did the others.

You know, usually, when the restraining order doesn’t work, instead of telling the police, you take matters into your own hands,but he’s slippery, more then I thought, he got away, how could I have let this happen, now look at me?

Locked in a basement, and cold, uncomfortably dry basement, waiting for who I can only assume to be the man I thought I so blissfully got away from (and almost managed to kill) a few years back.

And now that I say all this. You must be deeply confused, so allow me to explain.

______

September 4th 2024

12:34 AM

It’s freezing, and my makeup is starting to come off, thankfully I brought my mask. Why is this place still going on this late anyway? I mean, I get wanting a good midnight scare, (I work as a scare acter now) but it’s a freezing September night, the only people who are showing up are drunk…and..shit..someone is coming, ok- got to get into position

I borrow myself into the corn field..and wait

…

…

…

AND SUDDENLY I LEAP OUT AT THEM WITH A SCREAM

Dowsing them in fake blood and landing on top of them…I was not meant to land on them…shit..

I hear an audible groan

“Oh shit I’m sorry man! That was not meant to happen-“

“Naw man it’s fine-“

He sounds vaguely familiar,but who doesn’t,right?

I get off him, and he starts to get up

Shit I wasn’t supposed to break character, I then feel my alarm go off in my pocket..

My shift ended?? Then what is this guy doing here?

He smiles at me a wide..sharp toothed smile..

“What’s the alarm for?”

“My shift ended, it’s close time. What are you doing this far out?if I may ask?”

“You may, and I got here about an hour ago. I made it this far out because I…don’t actually know..?”

He does a full 360* turn and looks heavily confused, like he knew what he signed up for, but doesn’t know how he got where he is now.

“You uh..want me to walk you back?”

His neck jerks and he says a fast yes, clicking his tongue and stuttering

“You uh..good?”

Either he’s a tweaker he has tics, please god don’t be a fucking tweaker.

“So..why’d you come out this late?”

I say, since he completely ignored my question

“Hm..? Oh uh-? Just felt bored”

His hand jerks

It’s hard to see in the heavy lack of light. If it wasn’t for the moon shining over us, I wouldn’t even be able to tell if he was a man or woman,but…he reeks of copper..

Copper..

“So..you work here? Or do you volunteer??”

He asks

“I uh…work here..also sorry, this walk will take a minute, this is the end of the scare trail after all”

I say with a chuckle

He looks at me

“What’s funny?”

“Hm?”

“You laughed, so what’s funny?”

I start to feel a prickle up my spine at the sudden change in demeanor,cold running up and down my body.

“Oh um..nothing sorry, just trying to break the tension that’s all..”

___

At some point after light conversation we end up back on the well lit trail…and then I see his face. He’s covered in freckles, and fake blood and he has a..large scar on his eyebrow..

Odd

I cut rogers when I tried to get rid of him for good

Whatever

We keep waking and then I smell something, it reeks of copper and cigarette smoke, Jaden usually smelled like cigarette smoke..

It starts to click

I walk over to the source of the smell..

Then I see it, this blobbed red thing..

“Hey uh..I realized i never got your name”

The guy says

“Where did you get that scar..?”

I say without turning around, peering into the ditch trying to see if my suspicions were correct

“You.”

And then then I feel him, his hands on my face. a wet rag over my mouth and nose, I try to hold my breath and fight but I quickly start to lose air..and then I breath it in..and lose consciousness…

_____

And that kids,is how I got locked in this creeps basement…

Fuck I hope Charles ok…

Shh..I can hear movement upstairs

______

TOBY’S POV

This is GREAT. I finally get to see you again-mostly because you were to dumb to recognize me, shame really, I thought you loved me tiger.

We’re in love! So how did you not recognize me????it’s fine I suppose, I already killed the bitch you replaced me with. I mean seriously??? A bleach blonde twink??? I am so much better than him.

So

Much

Better.

As I make my way down stares,to you,I kind of realize-that you,mhm you tiger-probably don’t recognize me. It’s a shame, you didn’t see to recognize me when we saw each other again.

I hope you didn’t forget about me.

I slowly creak the entrance to you’re sell (that I made just for you! By HAND, because I truly care about your comfort) and there you are, immediately on alert, jerking about in your seat, thrashing about.

“Your only gonna make it tighter,tiger, I’ll untie you soon, you just have to stop struggling and relax”

You stop,surprisingly, and try to find the source of my voice.

“MFGHH!! MFH MOH”

You bark at me, to bad your mouth is gagged, I’d love to hear what you have to say.

“Hm? What was that?”

I mutter with a smirk, walking over to my table, and picking up my flaying knife

You hear the metal clink, I hear the scared whine you make.

“You’re about to be in a lot of pain tiger. Too bad you deserve it.”

You start to cry. But you didn’t comfort me when I cried…because you weren’t there.

“Stop crying, it’s gonna get a lot worse,Y/N.”

I pull the cloth out of your mouth, and you immediately go silent, like a whine or even scream is born and killed in your throat, maybe you think your silence with get you off easy, but it won’t. So don’t bother.

“Don’t bother struggling.”

I stab into your top of you’re left thigh, bluntly and brutally, and you cry harder, screaming so loud your voice breaks.

“Mhm. Let me hear you pretty boy.”

I pull it a little farther out and watch the blood gush out of your thigh, you’re screaming and crying, not begging though.

“It doesn’t matter how loud you scream, no one can hear you, this place is sound proofed.”

You stop screaming, and then huff something out, it’s so quiet I can almost barely hear it like it’s taking up all of your strength.

“Yknow…you’re a pretty good actor….”

I can’t help but not laugh, I mean complementing me? Really? That’s not gonna get you out of this.

“Why are you laughing? What’s funny?”

You mutter

I quirked an eyebrow

“Oh nothing…”

I rake the blade into your thigh one more time, this time you only jerk your spine in response.

Now I’m never letting you go.

____

I KNOW I SAID I WOULDNT MAKE A PART TWO BUT HERE IT IS. Eat up smucks:3

Also sorry that I’ve haven’t post a fic of any kind in like a month in a half, life likes to rake its nails down my back while licking my ear lobe lol

[yourlocaldisneyvillain]

Honestly as a virgin I am more than just a little confused what defines a top and a bottom in cis sapphic relationships cause like... if you're the top what kind of sexual touch do you get before you're classified as the bottom? O.o

okay so. i am by no means an Expert lol, i can speak from my own experience only. i am not super well versed in certain terminology, but i can offer my understanding of it and how i see it myself. that being said!!! ->

on tumblr dot com (and the internet in general, but here especially) you will find a lot of the top/bottom, dom/sub terminology. now, the dom/sub thing goes more into the bdsm direction, but people sometimes use top/bottom, dom/sub thing interchangeably, even though they are not the same thing. to return to the top/bottom thing -> it's actually terminology that comes from cis gay men to mean like, who is the one penetrating and who is being penetrated, which is a dynamic in which that term actually makes any sort of real sense haha. other queer people have adopted the term (even straight people have), twisting its meaning and applying it how they feel works for their own sexual habits (not a bad thing per se, but it's good to know where the term originated). nowadays i think people use it mostly to mean like, who is more dominant, who is more submissive (venturing into that dom/sub territory, but not in an intense way like if you went the super kinky bdsm route), and what that even means is honestly up to interpretation of anyone engaging in any sort of sexual act. but yeah, if we are talking about cis sapphic relationships the term can't be used in its original meaning, obviously. for one, sex between two women doesn't have to involve penetration at all, so who is the one being penetrated hardly matters, plus why would being penetrated even mean you are more submissive?? when you start to really deconstruct this shit it sorta gives you a headache lol. so what *does* it mean in sapphic sex, then? well, the unhelpful answer is that it kinda means what you want it to mean. how i personally use it is like, if my relationship has some sort of sexual power dynamic (in terms of like, who is the one initiating, taking charge or guiding where the sexual encounter sorta goes, if there is any sort of dom/sub dynamic we want to engage in for fun or pleasure), or i sometimes use the term in the context of like, i am the one providing pleasure for the other person and maybe i am not letting the other person reciprocate. HOWEVER!!!!!!! big disclaimer now!!!!

this top/bottom shit is stuff you hear from people on tumblr dot com lol (and a lot of them are like chronically online, into some super niche sexual shit, or super inexperienced, not that there's something necessarily wrong with that, but they lack the perspective real life offers you haha, so if you use their advice and worldview irl you probs won't get very far). in most people's lives, in most healthy relationships, there is not like this top/bottom, dom/sub dynamic going on at all times, or at all. there doesn't have to be a top and a bottom in a sexual relationship.

i thought the Drama(TM) in my inbox about whether i am dominant or submissive was very entertaining, and if asked i will definitely describe myself as more dominant, but honestly that's not a way i think about my sexuality. i don't like.... go around the world thinking hehe yes i am a Top(TM) and don't like pursue women being like hehehe i am a top looking for a bottom i Must Dominate someone or i will Combust. i just like. enjoy kinky sex sometimes and that sometimes includes some sort of top/bottom dynamic, and if it comes to that you know which one i am lol. i have ALSO spent a lot of my younger years fucking around in my slutty phase with the mindset of like, there *has* to be a power dynamic in sex and that has led me to like engage in certain things i guess. however, BIG DISCLAIMER, that was really not a great period of my life -> i am a person who has a complicated relationship to sex, and if was often times very unhealthy.

TW: MENTION OF SEXUAL ABUSE IN THE NEXT PARAGRAPH i am a survivor of sexual abuse, on which i will not elaborate, but suffice to say it was an ongoing thing that fucked with my brain, and i dealt with it as a young woman the best i could and knew how. i thought there had to be a power dynamic in sex because my first encounter with it was someone repeatedly abusing their power over me. it was not the greatest haha. only recently have i improved my relationship to sex. i still like kinky shit tho lol, but i think internet ppl would still consider me kinda vanilla ahahaha. so yeah, that's just like, some context for all these things i say i guess. END TW

so yeah, sapphic sex definitely does not need to include any sort of top/bottom dynamics. if you want, you can experiment with that, see what you're comfortable with and think about what being a top or a bottom would even mean to you personally. also a lot of women just use top/bottom to mean who is doing the pleasuring and who is being pleasured, so maybe that's something you vibe with, maybe not. irl, things just sort of happen. you just like, find a girl you like, you want to make her feel good. when i like a woman, i like lose my mind if she kisses my hand or smth. the last thing on my mind is like 'how will i Dominate Her' lol. you just sorta go with the flow, see what feels good for her, show her what feels good for you, you share something together, moments of intimacy, passion and connection. you don't think about who is a top or who is a bottom. if that is something you are both into, you can explore some kinkier stuff. maybe she's like oh i like to be pinned down and fucked and you're like GREAT would love to do that for ya, that would turn me on and i'd enjoy it, ya know. so you venture into that top/bottom dynamic and shit. but it's not something that *has* to happen, that's only if you're into that. do it bc (or if!) it's fun and bc you enjoy it and bc you like to see your partner enjoy herself, it's not a must.

okay i think i said most things i wanted to say. sorry this is so long, i just felt the need to offer advice no one has offered me when i was a virgin haha. don't stress, when you find someone you like and trust enough to have sex with, you can experiment with things you are interested in and see how you vibe. maybe top/bottom dynamic will not apply to your sexual experience!

if you have any other questions i'll be happy to answer them to the best of my abilities! take care <3

[jooskyimo]

Jared: "Ethan"

(content tags: NSFW, M+M, language, f-slur/homophobic language [in a 'joking' context], obsession, emotional abuse, dissociation, murder,) [ending has a song linked for emotional effect.]

PART ONE, THE BUS

June 15, 2017.

There's this guy on his phone standing near me. He looks so pretty. I mean, he's facing away from me, so I haven't seen much of his face, but he has cool hair. It's red. Never really had a ginger guy before.

I think I'm gonna make a move. We'll see what happens, and I'll make a new entry later.

I closed my notebook and put it back in my backpack. As I looked back up at the man, he looked over at me, and I gave him a friendly smile and a wave. He seemed to giggle a bit, and he waved back. He really was pretty. That made me smile, genuinely this time, and I broke our eye contact to reach down and grab my camera from my backpack.

I always loved the way old camera footage looked, and the experience of using tapes to record, so when my friend Henry gave me his old Sony Handycam, I was pretty excited. I knew immediately what I wanted to use it for. I remember thinking that it was sad that Alan was gone too early to get a tape of him, but then I realized it might be cool to use it for these more, for lack of a better term, casual victims. Having a whole collection, one for each of them. Hell, it might pose a nice mystery for future detectives or true crime fanatics if the first tape was called "Victim 2".

When I looked back up, he was looking away again, which was ideal because I had already equipped the camera. I started recording and zoomed in on him, now talking to someone standing next to him. His smile really was beautiful. Maybe... Maybe even better than Alan's. I suddenly got butterflies, a feeling I hadn't gotten since that night with Alan, almost 2 years ago now. I felt like a kid again, crushing over boys in math class. Why do I feel so weird about this guy? Why is he the only one who's making me feel this spark again?

Holy shit...

I'm falling in love.

He looked back over at me, and every part of me wanted to toss the camera in my bag, but for some reason I didn't. I just sat there like an idiot, watching through the camera as his confused expression turned into another laugh. As he started to walk over to me, I was finally able to control my body again and put down the camera.

He got to my seat, and sat down next to me. "What's that for?"

"Huh?" I stared at him with my mouth slightly agape, probably looking like an idiot.

He pointed at the device in my hands. "Making a movie?"

I chuckled nervously. "Yeah. I guess."

He put out his hand. "Well, my name's Ethan. You know, for the end credits." I shook his hand, still in shock and awe. The person I was just fawning over was right here next to me. And he was gorgeous. Freckled skin, blue eyes, a beautiful smile...

He was perfect.

"Well? You gonna tell me your name, or are you gonna stare at me and hold my hand for the rest of the ride?"

"Oh. No, sorry." I let go of his hand. "I'm Jared."

"Jared. Hmm." He leaned back. "I like it."

I must have blushed, because he smirked and looked pretty proud of himself.

"So, what are you recording for, Jared?" There was an emphasis on my name, as if he was trying to use the word itself as a joke. I never was a submissive guy, never into degrading or anything, but man, this guy's teasing me was really turning me on.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

"Oh, y'know, just... Stuff. Regular, normal stuff." Dude, what? Think before you talk.

"Well, Jared, if I'm gonna be in the final cut of your 'regular, normal stuff', then I'd like to know what it is."

"It was a dare from a friend. Do a backflip and get 50 bucks, or record someone on the bus. Almost broke my neck, and well..." I gestured at the camera. "Missed out on 50 bucks. And now... Y'know."

He smiled. "Yeah, sure. Well, I hope your 'friend' isn't planning on using that footage for, uh... Personal use." He nudged me with his elbow and smiled. I stuttered trying to respond. "Calm down. I'm kidding. Oh shit, this is my stop." He stood up. "Seeya around, Jared." He waved before leaving the bus with the person from before.

I watched him and his friend walk down the street and turn the corner to a shopping center.

I opened my notebook and made a note of what stop he had got off the bus at, and the street he'd turned on.

Damn. Should’ve asked for his number.

I knew I couldn't lose him. 2 years of never being able to find the perfect guy, and then this dude just appears out of nowhere?

I wanted him.

I needed him.

Update. Holy shit.

He came up to me. He asked my name. He didn't get mad at me. He was so nice and funny and amazing...

It's him. It has to be. He's the next one.

PART TWO, THE SHOPPING CENTER

June 16, 2017

Oh my god. He's here again. Thank god. I've been riding the bus so long it's on the third loop of its route. I started to think he wouldn't be taking the bus today.

He's dressed even better than yesterday. Is it for me?...

"What's up?"

I slammed my notebook shut and looked over. My face was definitely red.

"You have a diary?" He smiled.

"Heh. Hi, Ethan."

He leaned his head on my shoulder. "Can I see?"

I gulped and opened to another page when nothing too weird was going on in my life. Just some stuff about how hard work is and how tired I am. He grabbed the book, and read while quietly saying the words out loud to himself and smiling softly, seeming genuinely interested in my rant about customer service.

I took the book back. "It's... I just..."

"Dude, I have a diary too. It's fine." He laughed.

"It... It's a healthy habit."

"Yeah."

We looked at each other for a while, and for a second I swear I felt him getting closer... Slowly, barely noticable, but he was. I wanted to kiss him so bad...

"Yo, Ethan! Shopping center! Lesgo!" A tall man with brown hair and a similar smile to Ethan's shouted across the bus, waving at Ethan.

"Oh shit. Uh, I gotta..." He got up, and paused. "Eh, fuck it. You wanna come shopping with us?" He held his hand out. "Not every day you run into an interesting stranger." I smiled and nodded, but bypassed the gesture and stood up, making a beeline for the door.

I wasn't used to regular human interaction, and I doubt I ever will be.

I followed him and his friend, who introduced himself as Gavin but told me to call him G, and we found ourselves in some store that had the same feel as a Hot Topic. I don't remember if it was a Hot Topic or not - I was far too busy staring at Ethan to care.

As we walked around the store, and Gavin and Ethan were grabbing anything and everything that they laid their eyes on, I became increasingly aware of a weird feeling starting to make itself known. It was something close to jealousy, but something else was hiding behind it. Anger? No. I didn't feel angry at all. It was like... Calmness. I felt jealous, but not like I always did where it made me feel like I'd kill the next person who pissed me off. No, this was like a strange comfortability. I felt like a third wheel, following behind the two friends who were joking and smiling with each other, but somehow I knew Ethan didn't feel the same way about Gavin as he did about me. It didn't make sense, I knew that. We hadn't even known each other for 24 hours. But I just knew. I could feel it. I smiled to myself and kept walking.

An hour and what had to be at least 300$ of merchandise later, they were done and I followed them out of the store to a park near the shopping center. We made our way to a pretzel stand next to some benches, one of which Gavin immediately ran to to claim our seats, laughing as an approaching couple gave him dirty looks and turned to find another bench, and Gavin responded by laughing at them.

"Look at the menu, Jared."

"Huh?"

Ethan smiled. "Aren't you hungry?"

I nodded. "Sure. I guess I'll get a pretzel. With cheese sauce."

Ethan turned and ordered, and I checked my phone. I didn't have any messages, as usual, so I pretended to be busy until we could sit down.

"Thanks."

"Of course." Ethan gave me my food and started eating. "Oh my god," He moaned after taking a bite. I'm sure I don't even need to tell you how it affected me. "It's so fucking good. You sure you don't want food, G?"

"I'm good, man! I don't wanna eat today. Fasting. We're going to that buffet tomorrow, remember? Wanna get my money's worth, man."

"Oh shit. I totally blanked on that, dude." He turned to me. "J, you like sushi?"

"Yeah, I guess." Sushi definitely isn't one of my favorite foods. Not by a long shot. But I'd genuinely take a bullet to the face for this guy, so scarfing down a plate of raw fish didn't sound so bad. I looked at the bags of stuff they'd just bought. "How can you guys just... Buy all this stuff? You didn't even think about it."

"You judging me?" Ethan raised his voice in a joking way.

"What? No! Absolutely not."

"Well, I mean, not every college student has the money to spend like we do. You probably think I've got rich parents and I'm a spoiled little bitch, huh?" I stared at him and didn't answer. He laughed and punched me in the shoulder. "I'm joking. No, but seriously, G's dad is insanely loaded. He gives me an allowance every week. And it's nothing compared to what G gets. Ain’t that right, G?"

"Yeah, man. It's awesome. I could hook you up, man, if you want some."

"Why're you talking about it like drugs?" Ethan laughed and Gavin got up and stood like he was about to fight someone, his fists up in front of him and his feet planted firmly on the grass.

"What're you trying to say, faggot? I could sell drugs, man!"

"No you couldn't, pussy." Ethan got up too, and they started fake fighting.

"Yuh huh, man! I'm tough!"

"You're a pussy."

They threw insults and light punches, and it ws pretty entertaining, but it got more entertaining when they were done and Ethan walked back towards the bench and took off his shirt. He was absolutely stunning, sweating and panting softly. He must have noticed me staring, because he tossed his shirt over my head and puched my arm again.

"You checking me out, Jared?" I grabbed the shirt off my head and looked at him, met with his smile. He was sitting closer to me than I thought, our faces as close as they were when we were on the bus earlier. He fixed my hair, then he looked at my lips, then back into my eyes. I fully expected a kiss, and the feeling of butterflies grew in anticipation, but instead he reached his hand up and wiped my cheek with his finger and licked it. "Mmm. Cheese sauce." He smirked before getting back up and running towards Gavin, tackling him to the ground and screaming.

I put my backpack over my lap, and took my notebook out.

I don't even know what to write about what just happened. He's definitely flirting. And it's a little intense. But not in a bad way. I feel so good right now. I can't believe what's happening today. Holy fucking shit.

He invited me to dinner tomorrow. Should I make a move? I usually just would, but he makes me nervous. It feels so weird.

We'll see how this goes.

PART THREE, THE KISS

June 17, 2017

I've never been this excited for a date before. I mean, he didn't say it was a date, and yeah, his friend will be there, but whatever. In my mind, it's a date.

I'm gonna try to get him in bed tonight. I know it sounds fast, but god damn it, I've never needed a guy like this. He drives me insane.

Wish me luck, diary.

I closed my notebook and started getting ready. I'd spent the last of what little extra money I had on a white button up shirt, which I wore with jeans and Converse sneakers.

Man, I seriously need to take Gavin up on his offer.

As I was about to get on the bus, I heard someone call my name. I turned and saw Gavin and Ethan running up to me. They said hello and we got on, sitting together in the very back. I was next to the window, as I always am, and Ethan sat right next to me.

"Didn't know you lived in this area." I said, taking off my beanie as the bus started moving.

"Yeah. Didn't realize I was so close." Well, we are definitely close. I scooted the tiniest bit closer to him, trying to close the small gap. "Gavin doesn't live here, though. His house is over on Mango Blossom."

"Wow. Rich people houses. I mean, makes sense."

"Oh yeah!" Gavin leaned forward so he could see me from behind Ethan. "J, you want that allowance I mentioned?"

"Oh. Dude. That would be awesome."

"No problem my man. I got you. My dad's gonna wanna meet you first. But here, take this." He took out his wallet and handed me a hundred bucks.

"Damn, this much? In cash? Aren't you scared of getting mugged?" I chuckled.

"Nah. That's pocket money, man. Plus, the chance of me being mugged isn't higher than anybody else's as long as I dont go around flashing my money or looking all wealthy and shit. S'why I dress like you two."

"Hey!" Ethan punched him.

"Kidding!"

"Yeah, sure man." He turned back to me, putting his hand on my upper thigh. I didn't expect it at all, and it got me excited. It was a little hard to hide, especially since my backpack was over by Gavin, so I adjusted my coat.

He smirked at me. "Saw that, J."

Fuck.

"I... It's not..."

"It's okay, man." He laughed, then leaned closer, lowering his voice and moving his hand higher on my thigh. "I meant to."

"Oh my god."

He took his hand off of me. "Oh. Sorry, Jared, I thought-"

"No! I, um... It wasn't a bad 'oh my god', it's just... Uh..."

Before I could get any more words out, I found his body pressed against mine, his hands on the back of my head pulling me closer, and our lips touched. I felt electricity shooting through my body. We shared a deep kiss before he leaned back in his seat and pumped his fists.

"Whoo! God damn! I have been wanting to do that since yesterday. Fuck." He looked back at me. "You are an amazing kisser."

Gavin clapped and whistled, and the couple other people on the bus started to look back at us with judging looks. "What a show! Encore!"

"Shut the fuck up, G." Ethan closed his eyes, relaxing and grabbing my hand, interlocking our fingers. "You're amazing." He looked at me. "Oh... I'm sorry for not asking before I did that. I should've, but... The moment was..."

"No. Trust me. I get it." I smiled. "You make me feel the same way."

"Faggot." Gavin fake coughed, lighting a cigarette. Ethan slapped it out of his hand. "Hey, what the fuck, man?"

"Not allowed on the bus, G!"

"Oh, but you fags can make out and grind on each other? Come on. You're practically inside each other." I knew he was just making fun of us, but it made me briefly fantasize about Ethan, and that made me harder than I already was.

"We fucking kissed for like 3 seconds, asshole."

"Whatever." He leaned down to pick up his cigarette. "S'my last one, man... Damn..." He grumbled and trailed off.

"Sorry he keeps saying that, by the way, Jared. Just how he is. He's joking, don't worry. He isn't gonna hate crime you or anything. Honestly..." He leaned in and whispered. "I think he might be closeted. Y'know. Got internal homophobia or somethin'. But hey. That's just my theory."

"Fuck are you saying about me, Ethan?"

"Nothing! Jeez!"

Jesus. He's a lot more brave than I thought.

I really don't understand why I like him so much. He's nothing like Jared. Not reserved at all. And definitely not submissive. So why the fuck am I into him? He makes me feel so weird. Like I don't even want to be dominant anymore.

I don’t care. I'm obsessed with him, and that's all I've been looking for. I need him to stay interested in me. If he asks me to wear a fucking collar with his name on it or some shit, so be it.

I love him.

PART FOUR, RAW MEAT

Same day. Just later. It's weird how much more I'm writing in here now. 2 pages in a day? I'm gonna need a new notebook soon.

Anyway. We just sat down at the buffet. Gotta be honest, this place looks fancy as fuck. Even for Gavin.

God, I fucking need Ethan so bad. I don't care anymore. I want him to tie me up and edge me till I cry. I want him to choke me while he fucks me. I want him to overstimulate and torture me. I'd never say something like that about someone before, but damn, man. He's just so tall, so assertive, so fucking hot...

I bet his dick is huge.

"What're you writing about? You look really... Invested in it." Ethan smiled, leaning over from the other side of the table to look.

I pulled the book away and shoved it in my backpack. "Nothing. Just, y'know. Journal entry."

He smirked. "Sure. Journaling in the middle of a buffet."

"Well, what else would I be writing?"

"Some fucking gay fantasy about Ethan, probably." Gavin chuckled, sitting in his seat and setting a down a plate full of food. An old couple turned their heads from a nearby booth. "Mind your fuckin' business." The couple looked away and whispered to each other, giving Gavin judging looks. "Jesus. No goddamn privacy in public."

"You just figured that out? Wow, good job!" Ethan blew the end of the paper wrapper from his straw at Gavin.

"Fuck off. Else I'll have to beat your ass again."

"Oh, sure. You beat my ass." They both laughed, and Ethan looked at me, his smile fading, and he rested his head on his hand. "You don't laugh much, do you?"

"Oh... I mean... I don't know. Been a rough past few years. I'm just trying to get used to feeling good, I guess."

"Hmm. Well, start by getting some food. How do you like your fish, man? Like it raw? Or like, baked? Or-"

"'Course he likes it raw." Gavin interrupted through a mouthful of rice.

"Shut the fuck up, asshole." Ethan barked, pushing him so hard he almost fell off the bench. I let out a quiet laugh. "Aw, see? You can laugh. Just gotta make shitty gay jokes, I guess." He smiled. "Come on. Let's see what they got." He got up and took my hand, leading me to the food.

"I do, by the way." I responded quietly, starting to pile different sushi rolls onto my plate.

"You do what?"

I hesitated for a moment. "Like it raw." Obviously, I'd never taken it raw. Actually, I'd only tried bottoming a couple times, and those were with toys. But I did like it when someone else was taking me raw, so I wasn't fully lying.

I couldn't look at him after saying that, so I kept looking for food to add to my already overloaded plate.

Ethan paused, and I looked back towards him. "Jesus fucking Christ, Jared." He put his plate on the counter and took a step toward me, grabbing my waist. "You trying to get me to take you home early? 'Cuz you know I don't have a problem taking you into the bathroom right now. And if I do, you'll be walking out with bruised knees." He smirked, looking down at me. I blushed and smiled to myself, and he let go of me and we walked back to the table.

I didn't even taste the food. Didn't hear any of their conversations or any of Gavin's dumb jokes, either. I just couldn't stop thinking about Ethan, and what he'd said about taking me to the bathroom...

I couldn't stop thinking about Ethan.

Back on the bus. Gavin's almost fucking passed out in the back. Pretty sure Ethan's taking me to his house. Cool.

PART FIVE, SCREAM

I don't know what Ethan wants to do with me, but I'm fighting the thoughts about hurting him as much as I can. Part of me Most of me wants to do to him exactly what I did to Alan; tie him up, grind on him till he cums, slit his throat, fuck his body... Eat him.

But the rest of me is telling me not to.

It's so weird for me. Loving people. Why am I like that? Why do I have that urge to murder the people I'm attracted to? Why the fuck is killing people so hot to me? Never really asked myself that.

And now I know why. I feel like shit now. I'm gonna just stop thinking about it and hope the night ends well: with me swallowing Ethan's load. And who knows? Maybe I will kidnap him and torture him or something. We'll see.

"You gonna keep writing in your diary, or you wanna cuddle?" Ethan said, walking out of his kitchen with two cups of hot chocolate and setting them on the coffee table. He sat on the couch next to me and wrapped one of his arms around my shoulders as he searched for a movie on his TV.

"Sorry. Lot of stuff happened today. Lots to write down." I put my belongings on the floor and leaned back into his arm.

"You seem like a horror movie guy, huh? Like 'Scream'?"

"Hot guys covered in blood? Absolutely."

He huffed a laugh and put on the movie. Of course, I didn't pay any attention to it. Too busy thinking about Ethan, as usual.

Fuck, I'm so hard...

"Hey, uh... Where's the bathroom?"

"Just down that hall, first door on the right."

"Thanks."

I walked down the hall and into the bathroom, locking the door. I looked in the mirror and sighed deeply.

Am I really gonna jerk off in his bathroom? I mean, I have to, right? I don't want to go back out like this... God, I fucking suck.

Before I could unzip my pants, I heard Ethan yell my name.

I ran back into the living room, to find Ethan standing by my bag, holding my notebook open to today's page.

"What the fuck is this? 'Slit his throat'? 'Eat him'?! The fuck is this, Jared?"

I stared back at him, unable to respond.

"Jared! Fucking explain this shit! Were you gonna fucking kill me?!"

"Ethan... I-I didn't mean..."

"No. Don't fucking do that. Just tell me what this means. What is this? What is wrong with you?"

"I'm sorry, Ethan."

He grabbed my bag and shoved it into my arms, then pushed me out the front door. "Fuck outta my house. Don't call me. Don't come to my house. Don't fucking follow me around. Should've seen it as a red flag when the first fucking thing you did was record me on the bus. Fuck off, Jared." He slammed the door.

I must've spent a good hour or so sitting in his front yard and looking into his window, watching him pace around as he yelled to Gavin on the phone. Eventually, after I was done crying and Ethan had shut off all the lights and presumably gone to his room, I left.

Fuck. Fucking fuck. What do I do? God damn it. I shouldn't have left it open. Fuck, I shouldn't have even written that shit. Who writes shit like that? Who thinks shit like that?

Shit, what is wrong with me???

Fuck. He was the one, man. Fuck.

Fuck!

PART SIX, LETTER

Okay. I just got home. I don't fucking know what I'm gonna do, but I know I need to get him back.

Maybe I could tell him it was a prank? No, that's a horrible idea. Fucking idiot.

God, I wish I could just go back to 3 hours ago. I'm actually the fucking worst.

No. I'm not that bad. It's not my fault, right? I can't control my own thoughts. It's just how I am. No shame in that.

Okay. I need to actually come up with something.

He said don't call. He didn't say shit about letters... I'll send him a letter.

Yeah. I'll tell him...

Fuck. What do I even say??? Fuck it. I'll just figure it out as I go.

Done. Told him to meet me at the park.

I mean... It's not an awful idea.

I'll meet him at the park, and... Talk to him. Yeah.

We'll just talk.

But I'll take some of my supplies. Just in case.

I'm gonna go deliver the letter.

Wish me luck, journal.

PART SEVEN, PARK

June 18, 2017

I really hope he shows up. I don't want this to be like me and Alan. I want Ethan to genuinely want me.

I want to keep him for myself, and I want him to like it.

But if this ends up going the same way Alan did... I want to at least try to keep him alive longer, because I regret the early ending with Alan so, so bad.

I can't mess this up.

I sat on a bench near the wooded area of the park, constantly turning my head and searching the paths for Ethan.

I had doubted he'd show from the second I had the idea, but I especially doubted it now it was almost 7 in the afternoon. I'd been sat there all day, not eating, or drinking, or moving at all, just waiting.

You could never even begin to imagine the relief I felt when I saw a tall figure in a coat approaching, and I recognized it as Ethan. I also felt extremely nervous.

I expected a punch to the face and him screaming in my face and calling me a stalker or something, but instead, he sat calmly and quietly on the bench beside me, almost as if he hadn't even noticed I was there. As if he wasn't even here for me.

But to my relief, and slight terror, he was. After a long wait, he broke the cold silence.

"Why did you want to meet, Jared?"

He didn't look at me. He just looked forward, towards the lake. I couldn't see his face past his coat's hood, but I saw his breath when he spoke. I honestly hadn't even realized how cold it was until that very moment.

"I wanted... To say sorry, I guess."

"That’s it?"

"And that... I love you."

He scoffed, still not even glancing in my direction. In fact, he turned his head even further the other way, now looking in the direction of a swing set a few hundred feet to the side of our bench.

"I really fucking do, Ethan. And I'm genuinely so sorry I wrote that stuff about you. It's just... I write shit like that a lot. It's kind of a way to vent. It's all fantasy. I wouldn't hurt you, I would never-"

"I know, man." He finally looked at me, his nose and cheeks rosy and his eyes watered slightly from the cold, making them twinkle under the streetlights and the moon. He looked so beautiful. More than he ever had. And it made me feel bad about what I had done to him. Genuinely bad. I never felt that before. 100% genuine remorse for making a person feel the way I had made him feel. And it made me hang my head and stare down at my foot as I tapped it against the cold sidewalk below.

"I know you wouldn't do that stuff. It's just..." He paused again, and I looked at him. "Fuck, man. I really liked you. Well, I still do." That made me smile. He saw my smile, and smiled back, but it wasn't the smile he usually had. It was downturned. False and saddened. "You disappointed me. That isn't an easy thing to come back from. At least for me."

He scooted closer to me. "Listen. I don't want you to think I'm some vanilla gay who hasn't ever experimented. That's all Gavin." We both laughed a little at that. "I do think that that... Stuff... Has its place. It can be hot, y'know? Rape play, knife play. All that. But seriously, you writing that stuff about me before we'd even had a genuine one-on-one about each other was not cool."

I nodded. "I understand. Fuck, I'm so sorry, Ethan, I'm-"

He pulled me into a hug. "It's okay. I forgive you. Just..." He let go and leaned back, but kept a hand on my shoulder. "Let's talk about it first, man, okay? You can write all the shit you want, say all the shit you want, do all the shit you want. I'm okay with it. But talk to me about it first. You wouldn't want to find out that I was writing stuff like that about you without you knowing, would you?" I shook my head. Obviously, it was a lie. One of the things I'd always dreamed of was having someone like me do the things I do, to me. But I didn't feel like now was the best time to let him know how crazy I was.

He nodded, and pulled me into a hug again, this one longer than the first. "I think I love you too, Jared."

I cuddled him closely and we didn't let go for a while. In fact, we didn't really let go. It just became... Not a hug. We inched closer, hugged tighter, then I ended up sitting on his lap, then his arms moved lower, and he used them to push me down onto him so he could grind up against me.

"Are you sure...?"

"There's nobody here. And I don't care either way. I'm fucking horny." He smiled, unbuckling his pants and pushing them down a bit, along with his boxers. I looked down. His cock was just like I imagined. He was cut, and 7 or 8 inches, and it was so pretty and perfect...

"Warm me up?" He smiled, and it was genuine this time. I nodded excitedly, and stood quickly to pull down my pants and boxers as well, then sat back in his lap.

He spat in his hand, and rubbed it all over his cock, throwing his head back and groaning. "Fuck, Jared..." Hearing him say my name like that did something to me. I already wanted this, but that made me crave it. I felt more desperate for him that I'd ever felt for anything, ever. He lifted his head back up and looked into my eyes, putting his fingers in his mouth and slowly sucking them, moaning and laughing, sticking his tongue out and showing me how deep he could finger-fuck his own mouth...

Fuck, I love this. Holy fucking shit.

Finally, he pulled his fingers out of his mouth, and reached down to press them against my hole.

"Oh, fuck!" My back arched and I gasped.

"Mhm, you like that?" He purred, his voice souding even deeper than usual. I whimpered and nodded. He pushed a finger in and I collapsed, falling into him, my arms around his shoulders. "Yeah? You like that, don't you, little slut?" He asked softly in my ear, his breath hot against my skin and making me shiver.

I felt my cock kick, and precum dripped out and onto his lower stomach. "Oh my god. Please say that again. Please. Please, fuck..."

He hummed and pushed in deeper, pressing against a spot that made my head spin. "My little fucking slut."

"Fuck, Ethan, I might-"

He moved his free hand to my cock and held it tightly at the base. "Not yet, baby. I wanna mess with you. I wanna fuck you up."

"Do whatever you want to me. Please. Anything. I need you so bad, Ethan, please." I begged, whimpering as I lightly rubbed my cock against his.

"Yeah, frot that pretty cock against mine, slut. Fuck." It felt so amazing. His dick was so warm and wet, and combined with his moans and dirty talking, I almost came all over him. But before I got too close, as if he knew, he grabbed my waist and stood me up in front of him. "Okay. We gotta take this home. I know what I said but I just realized I'd rather not get arrested."

I nodded. "Yeah... That's a good idea." I panted, dressing myself and walking with him to the bus stop.

We had a hard time getting into his house on account of the fact that we didn't stop kissing. We stumbled into his living room and fell onto the couch, and Ethan pulled off both our clothes.

"Fuck. You're just... Amazing." He said breathlessly, his hands roaming over my skin as I straddled him. "So hot."

"Thank you. You are too." I responded, leaning down to keep kissing him. After a moment, he reached down, grabbed both of our cocks, and started stroking. I felt like I was going to explode. "Please..." I repeated the word, whimpering between quick, deep kisses.

"Please what, baby?" He smirked against my lips. I moaned and shuddered at the sound of him calling me that.

"Please. I need you inside me." He groaned, leaning his head back, his pace quickening. "No! Stop, please, Ethan, I'm gonna-"

"Just a little more, baby. I know you can hold back." He raised his other hand to my chest, and slid it up to my neck, wrapping his hand tightly around it. He looked me deeply in the eyes, a sadistic flash in them that I hadn't seen before. "You fucking love that, don't you? You love being my little bitch."

Something about that word. Him calling me that. It felt so bad, but so good. I hated being degraded, but from him it was the most pleasing thing I'd ever experienced. It made my brain melt, and led to a very confusing orgasm.

"Fuck, Ethan, m'cumming!.." I cried out, slightly choking from his grip on my neck. I grabbed onto his shoulders tightly as I felt myself trembling as I shot cum all over his cock and stomach.

He smiled, the sadisctic look only growing stronger. "God. You're such a good boy for me, Jared." He kept stroking, his pace fast and steady.

"Ethan, please! I can't... I can't do it..." I closed my eyes tightly, begging for him to end the extreme overstimulation I was feeling.

He stopped and loosened his grip on my neck, and I panted, trying hard to catch my breath. Just when I thought he was giving me a break, I suddenly felt him force himself into me, and I made a loud, pained noise.

"Ah! Too much, too much, please..."

Hearing the sincerity in my voice, he immediately let go of my neck and reached up to cup my cheek, that look in his eyes replaced with genuine concern. "Sorry baby. I-I didn't mean to do it so fast. Are you okay?"

I nodded slowly, leaning into his touch. "It... Hurt, but it didn’t feel bad. I think it's okay."

"Alright. Just... Tell me when it's okay for me to move, okay?" I hummed a confirmation, and closed my eyes, processing the situation.

He really cares. Holy shit.

I opened my eyes, giving a small nod. "You can move. Just go slow."

He slowly pulled out, then pushed back in.

"Mmm. Slower."

He did it again, more gently.

"Good."

He kept going, and after a bit he'd sped up a lot more, but I didn't care to tell him to slow down again. He was trying his best, and it felt really, really fucking good. And I didn't wanna interrupt the sounds coming from him, either. They were amazing. So fucking filthy, and yet almost angelic at the same time. Especially towards the end.

"Fuck! Baby, I'm gonna fucking cum." He moaned loudly, a soft whimpering sound following it. I sat up straight, and started riding him, letting him enjoy himself without working any harder than he already had. My leg muscles burned like hell, but it was so worth it.

"Mm! Cumming! Fuck, let me fill you up, good boy..." He grabbed my hair with one hand, pulling me in to kiss him as he came. His moans filled my mouth, and I had to try so hard not to let myself get close to cumming again. "God... That was... You were incredible." He gasped, finally pulling away from the kiss.

I collapsed onto him, and he wrapped his arms around me. "Thank you. I wouldn't have wanted to lose my virginity to anyone else, Ethan..." I mumbled, my head still foggy from the pleasure.

"What? I thought you said you'd been with guys before?"

"Hmm?"

"At dinner. You said you liked taking dick raw."

"Oh. Yeah. I was kind of lying. I just wanted to say something to make you attracted to me."

He laughed, and the movement of his chest against me made me smile. "Well, you didn't need to do that, trust me. I already liked you."

"I'm so happy right now, Ethan."

"Me too, J."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"Please don't ever leave me."

He paused for a moment. My heart started racing, and I thought I'd gone too far. But then he replied, reaching up to run his hand through my hair. "I won't leave you, Jared. Ever." I smiled against his chest, and with the gentle movement of his breathing, slowly drifted to sleep.

PART EIGHT, ANNIVERSARY

June 18, 2018.

"I won't leave you. Ever".

That's a promise nobody should break.

Especially not someone who made that promise to me.

I guess, technically, he never broke the promise. He never left me. Not by choice, anyway. But God, I'd be exaggerating if I said he still loved me towards the end.

But he still tried.

"Babe, how many fucking times do I need to tell you to clean this shit up?" Ethan scolded, picking several cereal boxes off the dining table and putting them into the pantry. I sat on the couch, scribbling into a notebook.

"They're fine on the table. Easier to get before work in the morning. Nothing wrong with putting them there."

"And do you think maybe you could stop writing in that book and help me clean? Gavin's coming over for the party. I'd like it if you showed a little interest in it. It's our anniversary, man."

I sighed, lowering the book and looking over at him. His hands were on his hips, and he wore dish gloves and an apron. I tried to hide a smile at how cute he looked. "You know I love you. And I'll help, but I just..." I got up, walking over to him and moving his hair from his face. "You know this book is important."

"I'm supposed to be important too, Jared." His eyes were watering, and it made me feel like someone was squeezing my chest.

"You are, Ethan." I put my hands on his cheeks, pulling him closer. "You're my world. You know that."

"Yeah." He smiled, but I could still see he was hurt. "Do you mind helping your world out with the dishes?" He quipped. I smiled back and nodded.

"Absolutely. Of course. Just let me finish this chapter, okay?"

Ethan's eyelids dropped a bit, and his smile immediately dropped to a disappointed frown. "Yeah. Alright, Jared."

"You don't seem happy."

"I'm... I'm fine."

"Ethan." I leaned my face closer to his.

"I'm fine." He repeated, staring back at me with a look that almost made me feel nauseous. He looked so fed up and tired.

I should've done something. I should've hugged him, kissed him, told him how much he meant to me, and how I could see how hurt he was. But instead, the only thing I could get out was a quiet

"Okay."

He turned away to start washing dishes, and I could tell he was fighting himself so he wouldn't start sobbing.

I didn't know what to do. I hated myself. In that moment, I realized how much I was affecting him, and how bad of a partner I was. I stood behind him, arguing with myself.

Why aren't you good to him? He doesn't deserve you. You need to stop this.

It kept going, and I felt a tear fall down my cheek.

I felt like I was losing myself. And at that moment, I pretty much was. I felt emotions so strong that I started to not feel anything. I just stood there, trying to move, or comfort him, but I couldn't. I felt weird and broken.

The next thing I remember is him on the floor. I really wish I knew what happened, but I promise you that I don't. It was like I blacked out. Or my brain just locked away the memory. Whatever happened, I know what the outcome was. I saw it.

He was laid on the tile, facing up. Blood splattered his face, and he looked petrified. He looked so scared. And as my eyes moved down his body, and I saw even more blood, and more, and more, and then the wounds, and then the knife, still stuck inside him, I felt myself coming all the way back into my body. The memory is clearer and clearer.

And something weird happened.

I vomited. Almost immediately. I stood up, leaned over the sink, careful not to step on him or bump him, and I threw up.

I didn't feel good. I didn't think it was hot, or cool. I couldn't look at what I did and think or feel anything except disgust. Not because of the gore, you know how I react to that. It wasn’t that. It was the fact that I knew exactly what I'd done. I knew what had just happened.

The person I loved for over a year was laying in front of me. I was looking at his corpse, and I was the reason he was dead.

PART NINE, SPLITTING UP

Looking back, I know I treated him like shit. I see that. I don't need anybody telling me how horrible I am. I never did romantic things for him, never bought him flowers or chocolate. I didn't appreciate him enough.

He'd have been better off with anyone else. That's obvious. He'd still be here, walking around, enjoying everything. Being the fucking absolute joy he always was. He deserved to be alive. But I'm fucked up, and he was unlucky enough to get on a bus with me. Unlucky enough to love me back, to look past all the signs that he should have just run away and never looked back. Unlucky enough to be trusting, and nice, and way, way, way too forgiving.

I feel like I know why I did it. But I honestly am not completely sure. I guess I just got so angry that he was sad because of me. I got so mad that I killed him. Because I felt like I wasn't enough for him, and I never would be.

I say it's a guess because that same thing happened so many times before with Alan, and I didn't kill him for a very long time. I don't know why it hurt so much more with Ethan, but it really fucking did.

I'm so sorry for taking you from this world, Ethan.

I wish I could say he was the last one. I wish I could say losing him made something click, and that I got help and changed and stopped falling in love with people and killing them. But you're reading my journals. You found them, and you know there's more. So many more.

I should probably be more interactive with you, shouldn't I?

You're going through a lot reading this. You deserve to know that I appreciate it. So, yeah. I do. Thank you for reading these. For whatever reason you are. Maybe it's because you care about my story, or because you think it's hot, or maybe you just really fucking hate me and you want to know about my most vulnurable moments. Whatever the reason is, I'm glad someone's seeing this.

Or maybe you aren't seeing this. Maybe nobody will ever find these, and they'll be in that spot forever. And that would be my fault for burying these notebooks in such a random place.

I really hope someone's reading this.

[egg-emperor]

I'm glad my perspective and opinion has changed, especially on Eggman in Frontiers and how I can say I'm at least ranging in interested in to liking all aspects of his and Sage's portrayals and combined dynamic now. Despite everything that happened the past few months, it feels like a happy ending to not feel bitter anymore and be at peace.

It's unfortunate that I'm this late to understanding the entire picture despite small details I did catch onto even at the beginning- but I think what didn't help is, besides the four Eggman scenes that were leaked, my next look were memos spammed on my dash with wild assumptions treated as fact and were quick to upset me without full context.

Even when I got to play the game a couple of days early and had a headstart to give it more of a chance to form my own opinion before it really blew up, I was too pissed and tired to give a chance or pay enough attention to what was going on because of my reaction to those leaks. It significantly lowered my amount of interest and excitement.

You must understand- I was so excited for a main story game again after five years, to see what Eggman was up to, to see him finally be newly simultaneously voiced and animated again for the first time in years. Years of waiting only to have a lot shoved in my face out of order and context wasn't nice, so I went from excited to confused and angry fast.

At first I really thought they fucked up my favorite character ever and I was devastated. He's very important to me and I was looking forward to seeing what writing and animation there was to enjoy and what kind of analysis and appreciation posts I could make. It was even one of the things that kept me pushing through hard times for years to see.

It was easy to believe that the worst had happened when a loud majority of fandom were saying it. But over time, the more I looked, the more I was like wait the reasons I say that I don't like Eggman's portrayal or the dynamic with Sage actually aren't present in the game, I just wasn't agreeing with how it was being seen as in the fandom specifically.

I realized that was the case with the Maria Egg memo right away when I reacted with confusion to how people got the idea that Eggman was neglected in childhood from it (only for Flynn to also say that isn't implied) but then realized it's the same case with the dynamic with Sage, Eggman's morality or lack of, and everything else much later.

Then I was like oh wait so it's just the same old story when it comes to canon vs fanon lol. Idk where my head was at up until I had this huge sense of clarity, I was a mess XD But everyone who sensibly offered new perspective without insulting or casting me out helped and I'm very thankful for the respect, patience, and for taking the time to explain.

Truth is, I actually love being proven wrong when people actually take the facts into account and provide supporting evidence for their beliefs, instead of insisting I like something just because they do (especially when it's for reasons not actually present in the game) because I want to learn. I judged too quickly, I was too harsh, I realize there's a lot more to be enjoyed.

I don't want to be miserable and hate things like some think, it's not fun. my criticisms only ever come from a place of great passion. I care and want the best out of Eggman characterization and for them to keep all the things that make him so great and lovable present in him. I'm really happy to know he hasn't gone anywhere and I can enjoy it!

I'm glad I love canon Frontiers Eggman, I'm just not a fan of the most popular fan interpretation right now because I feel that, just like me initially, some are overlooking details, context, and moments that make Eggman and Sage's portrayals and dynamic a lot more complicated and complex as commonly depicted and I hope to highlight them in my posts.

I'm really happy and relieved that it turned out to actually be something I can find interesting and enjoy and inspires exploration and creativity in me to analyze, appreciate, and create from! It's what I was really hoping to feel all along and in the end my love for Eggman remains as strong and enthusiastic as ever 🥰💜🥚

[kenas-artstuff]

Hello! i'm getting the brainworms so i apologize for the length of this ask and if it's not that coherent

So on the subject on MiA with adult protagonists i'm thinking about the potential with like Riko getting to have her first true adventure and taste of freedom after a shitty childhood (or lack of thereof), finally getting to experience new things even as a young adult is still such a cathartic experience and can cause childlike wonder. it's relatable and still tragic in a way so there's no loss at her not being a kid!!

She can still be knowledgeable and kind despite what happened to her and realistically a bit oblivious bc let's be real early 20s are a confusing mess for anyone. i think she might even hit it off still very well with a Prushka around her age bc there could be a contrast and wonder in Riko's early life without her parents, and Prushka who despite being in the Abyss still somehow had a parent (parents?? depending on how you picture the Umbra Hands when they're not in factory reset mode) and some semblance of a childhood. Their time together might be too short for that if sticking with canon but i'm a bit weak for Prushka introducing Riko to basic childhood experiences that she didn't really have bc of the orphanage and how much it sucked

Riko and Reg being young adults could still 100% cause them to be treated like inexperienced children by other delvers bc it is essentially what they are. and it would make more sense i think that ppl just let them go into the Abyss in this case instead of just accepting that a bunch of little kids are going down there unsupervised like in canon yknow. sure it's a fucked up world but what the hell

It's clear that MiA doesn't need the main cast to be children bc it's shown plenty that it can do shock value if it needs to. hell one of my favorite scenes is still the one with Gyarike in the field of Eternal Fortunes; the state the delvers are in the and powerlessness of Reg & co next to Gyarike who is much more experienced, pragmatic, and here to do what must be done works so incredibly well in my opinion. it hits hard and is a wonderful slap to get you back into what MiA is like if you experience it through the movie

There would still be enough shock value, there would be wonders and discoveries, there would still be Horrors, but at the very least we wouldn't have to experience the author being a creep 💀 your rewrite is just gonna become the canon in my mind truly

YES SO MUCH YES TO ALL OF THIS!!!!

I'm especially a fan of your point abt Riko and Reg being treated like the inexperienced rookies they are, and omg I didn't even think of the logistics of whole adults just letting 12 year olds go on a suicide mission. jesus fuck man O_O This just cements my decision to make them adults even more LOL

Also the point of Riko being able to enjoy a wondrous, free second childhood in the abyss because she had to grow up basically ostriziced and put under her mother's shadow, all while being stuck in Orth as her friends kept growing up and delving deeper and deeper... FUCK MAN... This makes me think of what to change her title to bc at first i was thinking of "Sovereign of Hope" instead of Children, but with this context, she could also be the "Sovereign of Wonder" or "Truth"... SO MANY POSSIBILITIES

AND THEN PRUSHKA, who I always imagined to be just a bit older than Riko, would be a wonderful opportunity to show Riko that sort of family and childhood bond, and having true friends and doing fun little things together! ESPECIALLY to show Riko that she ALREADY ACQUIRED THOSE in Reg and Nanachi, and was just too focused on the abyss and finding her mom (coughLive up to her mom's projected legacycough) to really notice what kind of bonds she actually formed - and all that VERY neatly ties into the whole theme of bonds between people and their shared wishes!!!

Ahhhh thanks for all the brainworms I am eating them up like crazy >>>>>>:)

[incarnateirony]

https://ghost-of-bobby.tumblr.com/post/703587448023908352/httpsfilmneworleansorgproductions-still-says

“Still says SPNWin production is wrapping on the 15th. Does that just mean they film elsewhere if there’s more?”

“The work is done, I’ve been saying. There’s a few spare filming days left, but if there *is* super secret filming it’s just, not on the radar.”

https://ghost-of-bobby.tumblr.com/post/702907898894942208/do-you-think-spnwin-113-will-be-filmed-before-or

“Do you think SPNWin 1.13 will be filmed before or after NashCon (16-18 December)?”

“After.”

Pick one, dude.

*GASP* YOU MEAN NORMAL PEOPLE UPDATE THEIR INFORMATION AND DON'T DOUBLE DOWN WHEN THEY ACQUIRE NEW CONTEXT??????? AND SOMETHING I WAS ASKED A MONTH AGO HAS DIFFERENT CONTEXT???

THIS IS SHOCKING NEWS!!!!

this is what sane, well adjusted people do, that pursue information consistently and don't get lazy like you dumb fucks. We also don't get stubborn. WEIRD HOW THAT WORKS!!! You find new information. You integrate that information. You adjust your conclusion. This fandom should try it some time. Try actually listening instead of thinking you found a weak point. Around when I discussed updates of 12-13 filming shuffling things, that's when I Adjusted My Understanding.

Try. It. it does wonders, you friggin psychopaths. and it's the plot.

single braincell amoebas that only want to attack and halfass read things only one way and not explore, expand or adjust are about to have a REAL BAD TIME with TW.

If you actually READ, I later explained 12-13 was shuffled and signaling got confused, and we weren't clear if there was any filming reserved. Then, I got a direct message that everything I was waiting for was done!! Then, crew started going home like bianca!

So I, unlike 2po and you guys, don't try to find a way to shove this into my pre-established thought box. I listen, and I adjust, and once again I cannot insist enough: this is the plot.

It *appeared* after because the filming schedule and it still being on 12. I *listened* to what I was told and updated on and *found* that they were shuffling filming. I quickly broadcast this, including lack of clarity if complete shuffle or a few scenes. Now, I again got told, and again listened, and again updated my information. Now, take the art of assumptions and willingness or refusal to listen and update and graft that over the show's misunderstandings. Congrats, you just failed the plot trying to anonymously win an internet fight.

You'd be surprised how well the world works and how clear reality gets once you learn to function like this even when there's soulless cockroaches like you shitting in my inbox acting confused at the concept.

Abra. Hadabra. It. Is. Done.

Cope. You can't stop it.

This shit only looks like an incontinuity if you, yourselves, are incapable of understanding changing opinions to comply with updates of context and information in the real world. Then yeah, this series of posts might have lost you, if all you let yourself comprehend is letting yourself double down against reality and context, or trying to force things into fitting your previous context. Those posts must have been real scary to watch update while we talked to the crew for clarity.

[theslightestbitofahint]

TL;DR: Your friends who are in school are doing their best. Please don’t critique them for having difficulty.

I was talking to someone I trust yesterday about the frustrations I’m having with my Technical Writing instructor. I signed up for that course because one writing element I struggle with is over explaining/adding what others consider too much context. Because I’m going into a field where grant funding proposals, business reports, and project presentations are frequent requirements, I wanted to work on how to not commit the same writing crimes I have in the past.

The instructor is using a translation of Aristotle’s Rhetoric as our core text. They have also given students complete liberty in choosing writing topics for many of the course assignments. I chose a research topic that I’m interested in, a very specific one, because I figured doing those assignments using that topic would be helpful for general writing I have to do for my internship and a couple of other courses involving that topic. And then I got confused by some of the wording in the assignment instructions that made me wonder if I was supposed to choose a topic from the course’s materials. So I told this person that I was confused and why.

They tried to be gentle in their response, but I was hurt all the same. They pointed out that I have had difficulty in the past with understanding instructions for writing assignments, and instructions in cooking recipes. And maybe the issue was not the instructors’ lack of writing with clarity, but my difficulty with reading comprehension. They suggested that I slow down and read only a few words at a time. This was after I told them that the instructor for this course sent out an announcement last week addressing confusion “several students” had come to them with over a different assignment. And after I had this person read a short paragraph in this week’s assignment that literally made no sense, even with context provided in the previous paragraph.

I spent the rest of the night mulling over past confusion and assignments I didn’t understand, trying to see if the problem really lies with me. My confidence has been completely shaken. How foolish I must be to think I could ever succeed in professional environments if I can’t even understand undergraduate-level assignment instructions. I spent way too long on everything I wrote today-which wasn’t much- and everything I read.

I’ve been trying to be more patient with people pointing out areas that I may actually be the problem, because they do exist and that wont change if I don’t find a way to adjust. But honestly… this just… it doesn’t feel like one of those areas. Sure, I fuck up recipes because I get too ahead of myself. Being confused by poorly-written writing assignment instructions, however, cannot possibly be my fault. And having someone who knows how deeply I’ve struggled with feeling competent in academia look me in the face and say what they said fucking knocked the motivation to try- not even to do well, to try- right out of me. I seriously considered withdrawing from school last night and this morning, with 9 months left to complete my degree.

And now I don’t feel like I can even talk about school with this person. Because I can’t take another blow like this. Not from them.

[perpetual-fool]

   I was entertaining the idea that maybe other people just learned things 'in bad faith', and that corrupts communication. Like, when people say X they actually mean Y, so people learn that X means Y. But I'm now fairly certain that they really are just saying things in bad faith.

   If people were just confused, then they could have learned what I meant. I've gone over things so many times, and even when people did seem to understand they inevitably "forgot" later. Further, I could have learned what other people mean. It would just be another meaning, like how "would you like to" means "please do this".

   And really, for the things that do have a 'double' meaning, I don't actually know that it ever means the 'standard' meaning. Like, I can look up the definition of 'friend', and it basically means someone you like and trust. But every version of a 'friend' I've seen has been a superficial set of behaviors and dictations about how you're supposed to feel about those behaviors. I don't know that 'real' friends are actually a thing, and if it were then 'friend' would no longer be an appropriate word for it.

   All this aside, other people must be 'understanding' in a way that's fundamentally different from what I'm doing. There's no way they could 'understand' anything and act the way they do. Further, the whole concept apparently means different things in different languages (according to stack exchange). Like, supposedly, in Japanese they use the same word as 'divide', meaning to separate from negative connotations. I heard elsewhere, but only vaguely recall, was that it came from this ancient king of some sort, with a portrait of them literally standing under one of their gods (and I presume it means 'to obey' in that context). I don't have a good way of explaining what I do, 'integration' maybe? making it a part of yourself? But still, doing that is what's required to comprehend and be sure you comprehend. So maybe other people are just differently-brained regardless. Though maybe to some extent it's just miscommunication, and there would be some purpose in making my own not-Ithkuil to communicate genuinely. (I already know Ithkuil proper lacks concepts I need. And, ya' know, it's a fucking mess and would be a nightmare to use in real-time.) -

   Unrelated, dealing with the bad feelings seems to require dissecting every little thing, poking at it until I see how it ticks, and then replacing that. I'm still having spells where I'll remember something triggering and then.. I don't have a word for it. I'll be completely overwhelmed and can barely think.

   Currently, there's a few things going on. I blame myself for what I did when I couldn't control myself. The feelings were genuine, but I was only lucid enough to observe what happened. If it were in some fantasy story brought on by a spell from an evil wizard or something, it'd be unambiguously not the character's fault. But since it's brought on by stress it's my fault? The same for being unable to think or ask certain things, if it were brainwashing in a story it wouldn't be my fault. And there's the idea beaten into me that intent or ability or knowledge have no bearing on morality. Like, if I did a bad thing but didn't know better, or the outcome wasn't what I intended, or I couldn't stop myself, then I'm still bad for doing it. And there's still the conditioning that giving in to my feelings is bad. For instance, there's this band with a silly theme. And I kind of like the idea, but I feel bad for liking the idea, and I feel vicariously bad regarding the people that do it well 'cause it's silly and therefore bad, but also I feel bad about the people who aren't doing it well, and I feel bad about feeling bad about the people who aren't doing it well, and finally I feel bad for feeling like I could do it better. Which then goes full circle with feeling bad about liking the concept. And I'll try to just replace these ideas when they come up. It's kind of asinine. Like, if these things were bad, being unable to think clearly about them prevents me from changing my behavior. For instance, in the vein of liking things, I was browsing around Netflix one night trying to find something.. with which to indulge in escapism? dunno how to phrase that. I ended up browsing through anime, which I haven't been seriously into since high school. And I guess for old times' sake I thought, "I'm just gonna watch some motherfucking Inuyasha". It's dated as all hell but it's the story that really matters, right? But I found I just wasn't that into it. If I'm supposed to feel like it's bad 'cause the tropes are contrived or whatever, I could just experience that and be unimpressed. Making it forbidden just adds an aura of mystery that makes it more appealing than it deserves. And if I like the theme of 'average girl tames wild boy' I should be able to enjoy that even if the animation looks like ass and the characters are one dimensional. Cringe is fucking bullshit.

   I'm pretty sure I've gone over at least some of this before. I suppose that's due to the difference between knowing something in abstract and understanding it in practice. And I suppose it's like most of the skills I know of: learning a skill is mostly not a matter of learning to do things right, it's mostly learning how to recover when things go wrong. And it has all been so very wrong.

[cold-r-ain-in-june]

I saw your wip list and after passing out several times I am here to beg on my knees for more information about these two:

please!!!!

(also hi and I love you and I hope you’re okay <3)

you really saw jason narration and jason getting love and you ran with it /lovingly

both of those are so over complicating for no reason (especially in my head since the amount that i wrote compared to the amount of plot in my head is embarrassing) and they almost were the same fic (they intersect a lot time-line wise) but they have a different focus and themes and narration style and i just split it into two different works to make it simpler

i do love complicating things as you can see

anyway (useless) sneak peeks because i barely have anything:

death of percabeth aka the long awaited percabeth break up thats always brought up jn my other fics:

(this must be so funny without context ngl)

jason/greeks aka jason is living his best life and percabeth is going downhill

love you too ciara!! hope youre alright too!!

thank you for the ask love <3

[ianthe-is-a-bitch-and-i-love-her]

I've noticed something very interesting about the structure of The Locked Tomb series recently, in that it is a series that is immeasurably more than the sum of its parts. Not that that's an uncommon thing for serialized media, it's literally the point of the format to tell a deeper story as a whole than is told in any one installment, but I think tlt is a particularly extreme example.

Like, gtn is the only book in the series that works at all as a standalone story. In most series, if you skip a book, you'll be confused about specifics and backstories and what have you, but you'll probably be able to follow along and get the gist of the theming, even if you miss some details and subtleties.

With this series, though, the subsequent books (especially HtN but also NtN) are essentially incomprehensible if you've skipped the previous books. They don't follow a predictable trajectory from the previous books that can be back-extrapolated from their stand alone contents. Like, genuinely try to imagine what you would think the previous books must have been about if you just read Nona. Imagine what you'd think the themes were. It's completely out of wack.

This is because each new book in the series isn't just a continuation of the previous books - it is in dialogue with the previous books. Each new book is a commentary on what came before, a reinterpretation that forces you to rethink or even reread the previous books with a different perspective that draws more layers of meaning to the surface. It makes the series feel like a knot that you're slowly unpicking - each new thread that is revealed to you changes how you perceive the weave of the previous threads.

I fucking love this. It makes the series incredibly rereadable, and it rewards spending a lot of time contemplating and theorizing about what you've read, which is excellent because the books are written in such a way that they invite you to ask questions without giving you answers. It make you feel ecstatic when you achieve a new level of understanding of a story you had thought you already understood.

There's a drawback to this, though, in that it makes the first read-through of a new book in the series the worst read-through. Again, HtN is infamous for this, verging on incomprehensible on a first pass but bristling with rich meaning and evocative prose on a second, but it's a trait that applies to all three books released so far. On a first read, lacking the context of the later series, GtN's story feels straightforward, sometimes juvenile, full of relatively simple but evocative characters, and burdened with what seems to be needlessly obtuse and obscure worldbuilding that only exists to slow down the reader's attempts to solve the murder mystery and to act as a backdrop to be cut through by Gideon's harshly modern and irreverent quips. (Sidenote, but as much as that is a thing that a lot of the fandom really enjoys, I know a few people who found that choice extremely jarring and unpleasant. It is a polarizing structural choice, it just doesn't seem like it because people who don't like it don't often stick with the series long enough to get invested in the deeper themes and plot of the series).

NtN too follows this format, although we don't yet have the added context of it's sequel, so a lot of what it has to say remains maddeningly out of reach. It certainly enriches rereads of the previous books, though; a lot of people have gone into great detail about how Nona's perspective on Kiriona reframes our perception of Gideon as a narrator. And John's accounting of the end of the world and the Resurrection adds so many more layers to all the interactions we witness in HtN.

It's just a very unique way to build a story, to start with something fairly simple and self-contained and then spend the next two books layering more and more meaning on those events. For me, it's not the characters (much as I love them) but the structure of the series that keeps me so fucking obsessed with these books.

[sarcastic-sketches]

Creche Guardian

Kitsune!Anakin context here but TL:DR a Force Temple takes issue with Anakin’s human form and transforms him into a Kitsune as that’s more becoming of the Chosen One and better reflects his Force connection. Anakin is not impressed.

A side effect no-one expected from Anakin’s transformation was for the younglings in the Creche to love him. They already had childish awe for him on account of all his nonsense and daring feats. He's a General, the Chosen One, and one of the youngest Knighted Jedi. That has many connotations. But most importantly to them, he now comes with massive fluffy tails??

He has to go to the creche as part of his duties after he's knighted to teach them what he has learned to get where he is… only to have about four kids bury their faces in his tails (which now number three) that are built like cushions almost immediately.

Crechemaster: ... Ah Anakin: Help me

There is no escape Skywalker, enjoy your new Creche duties. And he... does?

I've spoken about my thoughts on Anakin burying any parental instincts he might have once had, in another life, but when he tries to pry the kids off of him they are all just so sad. They don't want him to go and jesus christ does Anakin long to be wanted. Even if he’s a little confused by their antics and overwhelmed by all the questions. Of which none have to do with his Knighthood. Kids are simple in comparison to adults so Anakin stays put. Just for this session, he says to himself, only to be found three hours later by Obi-Wan, fast asleep with colourful chalk dusting his fur and children passed out all around him, using the tails as pillows. The Crechemaster looks delighted.

With the transformation, Anakin had slight concerns because he felt that the Kitsune form was actually just a reflection of the monster he could become from within; his propensity for rage and violence. But the kids don’t see a monster. They see a massive fluffy creature who likes to play with them. Anakin has always had mischievious streak, he likes to play games. It goes a long way to helping him accept the more negative parts of himself and that there are always facets of one's being that won’t always be good - it’s how you choose to deal with those faults that matter.

When he eventually develops more tails as the war goes on, he submits to having some of his free time while on leave from the frontlines be in the creche (He’s not as desperate to see Padme in this AU). Sometimes teaching, sometimes helping the Crechmasters wear the more energetic ones out by racing through the Room of a Thousand Fountains. Sometimes just dozing in the middle of a pillow fort, bracketed by his tails on all sides like a padded chair with the younglings haphazardly lying all over them because soft. They feel especially well rested after having a nap on him and seem even more energetic when they wake up, to the Crechemasters consternation. (Like conductive charging your phone but with the literal walking talking Force Nexus)

He has so many little siblings. They’re so small and so fucking funny. He’s realising that kids are hysterical actually and he’s now a big brother to lots of baby Jedi who he can introduce to all the Temple droids, as well as show them all the service tunnels and ventilation routes. He can teach them verbal binary with whistles just to piss off the Crechemaster (revenge for not helping him in the first place) and suddenly all the kids are just conversing in short beeps and trills to a pack of mouse droids.

Anakin: My army grows Mace: Skywalker, for the love of…

Kids are simple, but they are also more delicate and he can’t let his lack of emotional control hurt them. They react poorly to his outbursts of irritation.

Anakin: I'm a monster. I made them cry. Obi-Wan: Ah. What happened? Anakin: Two kids had picked a fight with each other. I tried to separate them but they're so wriggly. I must have lost my temper or gotten snarly because suddenly all of them were crying. Obi-Wan: ... Anakin: I'm awful. How do I fix it? Obi-Wan: If I had known all it would have taken was childcare to get you to learn patience and mindfulness I would have thrown you in there years ago Anakin: You'll help me? Obi-Wan: Anakin, of course I will

Oh man, imagine when he works out how to do illusions.

It would require a level of control he does not currently possess (ever in canon tbh) but he has enough power to make them very convincing. Maybe he practices for the kids? He recreates stories into visual shows, just weak manipulations of light at first but then the more he does it, the more his natural flair comes through and he can make entire productions fill the creche rooms. He bases his stories off of tales his mother used to tell him (given his mother is still alive it's not nearly as traumatic to talk about).

Every Jedi knows that Skywalker is prone to attachments, so obviously him spending so much time with the kids has a lot of them worried but there are new baby force sensitives coming in and younglings are always leaving to become initiates. It gets him used to the idea that though he doesn't see them anymore they're not actually gone. Things come and go with time.

Still, if anyone were to hurt any of the younglings they would have to deal with a very angry, very big Kitsune guarding the doorway and all his many sharp teeth. I’m not saying he’d kill a bitch in the Temple, but the Order would absolutely never see the intruder again.

Kitsune are possessive, they guard what is theirs.

He may or may not skip chances to meet with the Chancellor when he’s planetside simply because he did promise to spend time with the younglings next time he was in the Temple. The Chancellor will understand. You just don’t disappoint kids.

The Chancellor does not understand and actually accuses the Jedi Order of keeping Skywalker from him, only the Council had no idea that Anakin wasn't meeting with the man anymore. Intentionally or not. Obi-Wan may or may not victory-punch the air when he hears the news and goes to spend time in the Creche with Anakin and all his tiny siblings. Anakin has decided that the part of his Kitsune self he wants to embody is the Protective element. He becomes the Big Brother to so many and solidifies his role as a family member within the Order regardless of how he thinks the Council views him. Loyalty secured.

Then there’s Order 66…

There’s AUs where O66 gets prevented because he manages to get his head out of his ass, but what if he does all that, works on himself, finds a place within the Order he’s happy with and O66 happens... anyway? Palpatine was ready to hit the button regardless in RotS, he just wanted to know if Anakin was in or not. In this AU, he most certainly is not. Plus, Palps doesn't have quite the same strangle hold on him as he does in canon. Got nothing to bargain/manipulate him with either since Padme isn’t his secret wife so their relationship wasn’t a card Palpatine thought he could play.

So, O66 happens and people are in the same places as they are in canon. Only when the call gets sent out this time, Anakin is actually in the Temple already. In the Creche. He has to face down against his own men in blue and white, who are not listening to a word he's saying and actively trying to kill him. Him and the younglings he's with.

Anakin is remembering Fives ranting about clones being forced to kill Jedi and wishing he were here now. Fives who is still out there somewhere, having run when Fox conveniently missed his shot but no-one has seen him since. Anakin is thinking of Rex, who is with Ahsoka, and how this could destroy them both. To say he's a little conflicted is an understatement but it probably only takes one very near shot at one of the kids for Anakin to bug out.

You do not go after his kids.

He doesn't normally go full fox mode in the halls anymore because he's gotten fairly big, but it certainly works as a body shield to stop any more shots making it through while he shepherds all the younglings into the ventilation system where the clones can’t follow. Anakin tries to go easy on his men, incapacitate rather than kill because he knows what is wrong here, but good god they are not making that easy and he is so very angry.

It doesn’t occur to him, until much later, that he referred to the younglings as his kids. Those parental instincts hit him hard.

When he feels it’s safe to do so he follows the younglings he squirrelled away by going Teeny Fox Mode and finds them all huddled together at a junction. They’ve met with a couple of Padawans whose Masters had also yeeted them to safety and a group of Initiates who have learnt the value of hiding in the ventilation system from Ahsoka Tano (It’s the Gathering gang, I love them so sue me). As a Knight, they kind of all default to Anakin to know what to do and there are not a lot of options. They can’t stay in the vents forever and they have to get off Coruscant, but to do that they need a ship big enough to cart all of them away that can leave atmo.

Then he remembers there's a Paladin-class corvette being retrofitted as the new Crucible ship in the hangar. The hangar is not as empty as he would like when they get there but the Crucible II is still there and he’s got no other choice but to chance it.

He can now use every trick he’s ever learned to get the clones patrolling there to leave; his illusions, better force control, himself as a meat shield. All to get the kids into a transport and the fuck off Coruscant. Ganodi mentions she has flight sim training and is immediately put in the co-pilot seat. They miss Bail arriving at the Temple by a few minutes as they leave the planet and jump to hyperspace. Anakin wants to find Obi-Wan, Ahsoka, Padme, and Rex. Anakin has no idea what Palpatine has done at this point all he knows is he is now responsible for these baby Jedi and needs help. Please someone help him.

He’s covered in blaster burns, very confused, angry, and sad all at once. One of the Padawans, suggests naptime in a fit of hysteria and Anakin thinks that’s the best idea he’s ever heard. Ship wide naptime. Sure, why not.