#this reminds me how incredibly much I do NOT want to go to the gynaecologist in June like I haven't been in years and it's good like that

[raulfernandez]

Every single fucking time I think my mum had gotten over bodyshaming me she finds something new to be upset about cause wtf did my ankles do to her

[nicoleflanagan]

Since it’s coming towards the end of the year, I wanted to just reflect. i thought it would be nice to end the year on a positive note and talk about my highlights of 2017 and my hopes for 2018!

HIGHLIGHTS

Endometriosis Awareness Month Photo Challenge:

I had the pleasure of collaborating with my friend and endo sister Tills (@chronicallytilly on Instagram) for endometriosis awareness month. We created a photo challenge and invited our fellow endo sisters to take part. The aim of the photo challenge was to show various parts of our lives with endometriosis and in doing so, raising awareness. I was so overwhelmed with the response from everyone and Altogether, there was 2,765 posts from people that took part.

I loved connecting with so many of you and getting to know you all that little bit more. The photo challenge was a really good way to support each other in our journeys. Learning something new about you all everyday showed me that although we are fighting the same battle, we are all extremely different as individuals. It’s a reminder that endometriosis doesn’t discriminate but together we are such a strong community and we can fight for more recognition.

I was so happy and proud to create something with a friend that raised so much awareness for this awful chronic condition.

My 24th Birthday:

My birthday this year was a highlight because it was a day of many achievements. I suffer from social anxiety and being around people for long amounts of time can be difficult. I struggle even being around family for long periods of time. My family travelled from Yorkshire to see me for a few days and they stayed with us. I had to let go of my control, I had to accept that I couldn’t “escape” as they were in my home. It meant entertaining and keeping up appearances. It was difficult for me. I suffered from panic attacks, but I got through it. I know I’m making it sound like spending time with my family is a chore but that’s not what I am trying to say. I just struggle being around others and not being able to control my environment. The more people I am around the less control I have. It’s not realistic, I know that, but I can thank my obsessive-compulsive personality disorder for that lovely symptom. The reason this is a good thing is because I didn’t just run away or ignore my family. I took part in conversation and was present throughout it all. It was good to spend quality time with them because my family and I aren’t always the closest of units.

On the evening of my birthday I went to a meal with my closest family and friends. It was in a busy/pub and for those of you that know my journey, know that I rarely leave the house, never mind go somewhere that has alcohol and a lot of people. It was huge for me and at our table alone there was 17 of us. I was also flaring and had a migraine coming the entire night, but I really enjoyed the evening. I had a great time and it’s good to look back and feel genuinely happy about a memory. It was also good to spend time with everyone I love. I felt “normal” for a while and I felt confident In the way I looked.

The obligatory birthday selfie!

My boyfriend graduated from university:

The special day!

Firstly, I am so proud of him. He went to university whilst not only caring for me but also his step dad who suffered from ending emphysema who sadly passed away at the beginning of 2015. He also worked at the local college two days per week coaching their football academy. He is the most selfless person I have ever met, so seeing him graduate and get his diploma was something I wouldn’t have missed for the world. It was one of those days where I had to put whatever my fears and anxieties were to one side to support the person I love. He graduated at a really busy venue in a completely different city. I had never been there before and there were thousands of people. You could barely put one foot in front of the other and I was a mess inside. It’s not only a highlight for me because my man graduated but also because I got through that day with a smile on my face. I pushed myself and fought against everything that my mind was telling me, and I did it. It was so worth the pain and anxiety. I would do it all again if it meant I got to see him complete another milestone in his life and that makes me so happy.

My third endometriosis surgery:

I had my third laparoscopy and treatment of endometriosis. It was good to finally know what was going on in my body. There was endometriosis everywhere and my surgeon removed what he could without damaging organs. I also had cysts drained and my Mirena coil changed while I was in surgery. This surgery is going to result in another one next year. This is because my rectum has been pulled back and is cemented to my uterus. I’m getting referred to a specialist who is more experienced in cases like mine in order for my rectum to be freed. I’m not expecting relief from this particular operation, but it was re-assuring to know that my pain and other symptoms were not in my head. This second surgery is another avenue for me to explore and hopefully afterwards I can work towards managing my illness a little better.

Just out of recovery!

Healing, slowly but surely.

My 2st weight loss:

Due to all the hormone treatments I have tried to manage my endometriosis and the fact that I am not as active as I used to be means I have gained 4 stone in weight in the space of 3 years. With support from my gynaecologist, I managed to lose 2st this year. It sounds like a lot, but I know in myself that I could have done better. I would get my period and just want to eat everything in sight. I have no will power but I’m working on it. The exercising part was difficult because the pain would often get in the way, but I finally found something that worked for me and that was walking. I slowly increased the distance and I was surprised at how good I felt afterwards. It was good to be in pain because I’ve achieved something. No matter how small, a victory is still a victory. I also have been using protein world products to aid in my weight loss as it was recommended by a close friend and that really helps shift the weight quicker!

The start of my weight loss journey!

HOPES

I wanted to set myself some goals/hopes this year because I think it would be good for my mental health to have something to work towards.

Lose that last 2 stone:

One of my best friends is getting married in April and I want to not only look good but feel better in myself. I miss the confidence I used to have, and I also think that losing weight will only have a positive affect on my physical health!

Get the ball rolling on my next surgery:

Those of you who follow me on Instagram know that I had surgery in November 2017 to treat my endometriosis. Unfortunately I need another surgery to remove my rectum from my uterus. I am scared, and I have no idea what the surgery will entail. I am still awaiting my follow up appointment with my gynaecologist to talk about things in more detail. I hope I don’t have to wait too long to see him because I really just want to find out what my next steps are and hopefully from this surgery, find some relief for my symptoms.

Gain some more control of my anxiety:

In the new year I want to start pushing myself that little bit further. Reflecting on my mental health, I realise I ‘bury my head in the sand’ with a lot of situations. I’m such a perfectionist and if I am not sure about something, I won’t even try. I avoid things that make me anxious because I hate feeling scared and if something has made me anxious in the past I make sure I never get in that situation again. I’m happy in my bubble but I’m realising that I’m missing out on so much of life and it really isn’t healthy to never leave my bedroom.

I’m going to put myself in uncomfortable situations in hopes that eventually it’ll get easier to cope with mentally. I know it isn’t going to be easy because I can’t even visit my parents without being physically ill from my anxiety but even try will be an accomplishment. I also want to try new things, whether it be food or an activity. I’ve already started trying to see my friends more and since then my friends have been telling me that they missed me, and it feels like the old me is showing her face! That made me feel great and I plan to carry on trying to be more present in my loved one’s lives.

To meet my spoonie sisters:

I started my Instagram account almost three years ago and have had the pleasure of meeting some incredible human beings, I’m lucky enough to call some of you my friends! I love being able to connect with others that understand what I’m going through. I don’t have to pretend with any of you and you all show me so much support that it’s overwhelming. I’ve learned a lot by connecting with so many of you, especially that I am not my illness. I am so much more than that, and so are you!

I’m particularly close to a couple of you (you know who you are) and I am determined that 2018 will be the year I don’t have to send hugs through instagram and I’ll actually be able to see you face to face.

You all have such amazing souls and I’m thankful for all of you.

I hope you all have had a wonderful 2017 and that 2018 is even better.

Highlights & Hopes. Since it's coming towards the end of the year, I wanted to just reflect. i thought it would be nice to end the year on a positive note and talk about my highlights of 2017 and my hopes for 2018!