#this would've worked pretty well in a longer season. but you only have two episodes left in the show so *why* are you doing it now

[sorenlionheart]

when i look back at my t/oh hyperfixation i do find it a little surprising i kept up with the show past season 1, not to say the show is bad but it went in a different direction than what i expected for better or for worse

[ladyjayde]

Okay, I have some things to say about the first season of The Magnus Protocol... This might be a long one but I don't care ✨

SPOILERS OBVS IF YOU'RE NOT UP TO DATE

I'd like to mention beforehand that I absolutely ADORED TMA, and I'm a big fan of Jonny and Alex's work. Maybe this is just me having too high expectations for this series, but I have spoken to some of my friends who also listen to this podcast and have listened to Magnus Archives and pretty much everyone agrees. So here we go

I'm not feeling it. I didn't enjoy this season at all in all honesty. The only moments that excited me was the lore we had for the TMA characters to which, as far as we know, have nothing to do with this story. It was all filler to please the fans which is appreciated, but every statement in this season felt unimportant. Sure, we had Mr. Bonzo and a couple others that we saw again as part of Gwen's work, but they never truly felt like a threat to me. If anything, most interactions they got felt coincidental more than anything.

Which leads to my second point, there was no action in the season and it made it political and boring to me :/ I understand that's this is how TMA kinda started as well, with a lot of build up and set up for the world. BUT, at least we got SOMETHING by the end of the season. There was real danger and survival instinct activated for the characters. TMAGP has none of that... They jump in, no questions asked and no questions answered. There's no thrill, there's barely any suspense. It feels empty.

And now the characters themselves. Well, except from the very charged introduction to all of them at once that lead many fans to be confused and have difficulty identifying each of them in the first few episodes, they are pretty mundane. None of their stories truly engage with me. Don't get me wrong, I still love them, but they feel a bit boring and all too similar to each other. They get lost in the plot and don't feel like individuals. It's like they're forgetting who they are in order to feed into the plot.

Now, with all of that being said, here's what I think could've helped make this a better series.

1. Make it a longer series. As of now, there's only one episode left which, yes, is supposed to be double length, but nothing has happened yet for me to want a second season. Even if it has taken an extra year or two, I would've rather waited. So, unless something very intense happens next Thursday, I don't think S2 will be in my "Need to listen" list. Too much setup, not enough fear. Like, I'm not even worried that Sam or Celia will die in the next episode. They have so much plot armor I'm certain they'll survive.

2. Make the statements have an effect on the characters. Only Sam seems to take interest in them. But with the others just setting them aside and ignoring the stories, it makes us feel like they're unimportant as well. And it sucks, cause TMA's statements had an effect on the characters and changed their ways of thinking. Now, they're just there to be there and not much is coming out of them.

So yeah, this is MY PERSONAL OPINION and I still want to support Rusty Quill for all the beautiful podcasts they create for us, but TMAGP was not it for me. I love this fandom, I love the lore and the writing itself, but the story didn't hook me in as much as I would've liked it to.

I might regret all of this by next week when the last episode comes out, but for now, these are my thoughts.

I'll get back to you all next week to share my overall thoughts on the S1 of The Magnus Protocol.

Feel free to comment or repost with your own thoughts! I'd love to hear if I'm alone in this or if people agree

Love you all <3

[thecrusadercomrade]

How do you think the final two episodes of Season Two would've went if Sarah actually survived and not died because the writers left her on standby like and NPC? Would she have made it to The Final Season?

(Bonus if you can squeeze Luke or Nick into the equation) because they didn't deserve what they were given.

Okay! For the sake of fulfilling your bonus request, I'll say that Nick survived the trailer park. He wasn't shot, or bitten, or whatever it was that actually resulted in his death. Working together with Jane, they're able to lift the debris off of Sarah and save her life during the big walker attack.

Sarah isn't going to be doing much for the rest of episode four, since she's still basically in shock. Nick sides with Luke during the argument about whether to let Rebecca rest or set out immediately, and so the group hunkers down for a few days at the observation tower.

Wow, this is REALLY long. Adding a Read More here so that it's not taking up your entire dashboard if you don't want to read it.

During the fight with the Russians, Nick tackles Sarah to the ground to get her out of the line of fire, saving both of their lives. Due to their similar circumstances of having lost their dad/father figure and being seen as a liability by others, Nick has a soft spot for Sarah and focuses on looking out for her.

Over the course of episode five as they travel towards the half-built house, Sarah slowly starts to come out of her shell a little bit, though she only really talks with Clementine and Nick. She spends time bonding with them even as the rest of the group is falling apart, a little bit of peace even as the rest of the group falls apart. Seeing how injured everyone is, Sarah starts to express interest in learning medical skills like her dad, though of course they don't have any supplies for her to start learning at the moment.

Nick is on Luke's side for all the arguments that take place in episode five, but when Luke dies at the lake, Nick blames himself for not being able to keep the walkers at bay well enough. Nick is so angry in the aftermath, that when Kenny starts beating on Arvo, accidentally hitting Clementine and terrifying Sarah, Nick gets into a physical altercation with Kenny to make him stop. It only ends when Jane comes into the room with the duffel bags.

Skipping forward a bit, things mostly go the same with Bonnie, Mike, and Arvo stealing the supplies, though Nick also grows increasingly tense with Kenny due to their earlier fight. Nick doesn't have a much higher opinion of Jane due to her thinking Sarah is a liability.

When the fight at the rest stop happens, Sarah pretty much shuts down with fear. Nick keeps Clementine back, and he's the one to interfere in the fight instead. Rather than try to physically break things up, he fires a gun between them, forcing them to stop. The sound of the gunshot causes AJ to start crying, revealing his survival.

With Kenny having shown how dangerous he can be, and Jane's deception revealed, Nick is finally fed up. He decides that he and Sarah are leaving on their own before either of the two can get them killed, and he invites Clementine to come along as well. For the purposes of this ask, I'll say that Clementine accepts.

Jane protests, but Kenny agrees that he's no longer safe, telling them to take AJ as well and raise him right. So Nick, Sarah, Clementine, and AJ depart the rest stop together, leaving Kenny and Jane behind.

I don't want to write out all of ANF, but I'll say that Sarah learns some medical skills in the New Frontier, and when they're kicked out she apprentices under Eleanor to keep learning, earning their little group a permanent spot in Prescott. She'll be very disappointed when Eleanor betrays them all.

I'd say they have a decent chance of making it to the Final Season. Maybe Nick would die in season three, but overall ANF wasn't quite as bad about wiping out the entire cast as previous seasons, and since Clementine and her group aren't the main focus of the season, they stand a good chance of making it through. Sarah will never be some epic walker killer, but she knows how to defend herself by this point, and she's a really good medic, not to mention still really friendly. I think she'd be alright.

Sorry if this was really rambly. It ended up way longer than I expected XD.

[blondebibliophiliac]

The Owl House Notes

I have watched TOH several times over the past year and a half, and I will never get over it. All the character development, the little pop culture references, the world development. Ugh. It's amazing. So here are some notes.

we all know that the Clawthorne family is the family that Evelyn, the witch that Philip and Caleb met, is from. I feel that it's only right that Hunter is an honorary Clawthorne, too. He's literally a clone of Caleb. Obviously the Clawthornes are the descendants of Evelyn and Caleb's relationship. So I feel it's only right. I know we've all accepted Darius as Hunter's dad/dad-figure, but it would be cool if he was included in the Clawthorne family, too.

I think it's pretty obvious by now that I love the found-family trope. As someone that had family problems growing up, I value the bonds that end up being stronger than familial bonds. Now, Luz basically has 2 moms plus a bonus parent (Raine) and 3 siblings (King, Hunter, and Vee), and I love that. If you haven't seen fanart of all of them, you're missing out. It's just amazing.

Speaking of their relationships, I love to see how they accept and even request physical affection. In the beginning, Eda and King are confused and almost repulsed by Luz's hugs. King quickly becomes more accepting of these hugs, even getting angry when Amity gets a hug from Luz before him, calling her a "swindler and a thief". But in the last episode, Eda runs to King and Luz to give them hugs and kisses before they play the Collector's "games". I wonder if physical affection was prevelant in the Boiling Isles because in the second episode Eda asks "What is this" when hugged by Luz. I think it is because Willow and Gus hug Luz when they show up to the Owl House. I think Eda just isn't used to physical affection, or maybe she isn't used to it from strangers.

Here's another thing I'm wondering. The Bat Queen states that she doesn't remember the witch that held her staff, but that she was the staff for a giant. You know who was giant? Papa Titan. What if her witch was Papa Titan? It would make sense, because he's been dead for hundreds of years, and the mind loses memories after so long. Also, she takes care of all the other palismen that were lost, including Flapjack, whose witch was Evelyn. If we can assume that the events of TOH take place in the late 2010's/early 2020s, then the age of these palismen makes sense. Anyway, I think that The Bat Queen could've been Papa Titan's palisman because there are no other signs of giant beings on the Boiling Isles or in the Demon Realm.

At some point, we catch a glimpse of the "recipe" for creating clones. If you didn't catch it, here it is: Galdorstone, Palistrom Wood, Stonesleeper Lungs, Bone of Ortet, and Selkidomus scales. This would partly explain why there's a shortage of Palistrom Wood, why the Galdorstones are so rare and so well hidden, and why Belos instructed Hunter to hunt down the Selkidomus in season 2. It also explains why the clone he attempted to possess in the final episode didn't work out. He likely didn't have all of those materials or didn't have enough to make a fully formed clone. When he initially tried to take over one of the clones, I was worried that there would be two Hunters walking around and that Belos would try to impersonate Hunter, which would have derailed all of their plans. The Bone of Ortet, by the way, is basically just a bone of the one you wish to clone.

I wish there could've been a longer season 3. Although I love the 3 episodes we were given, and I think they're perfect, I wish it could've been drawn out. I would've loved to see the gang in the human world more, to see the rebuilding process of the Isles, see them do a field trip to the human realm from the university. But, I'll take what we were given.

I love the random pop culture references we get. During "Eclipse Lake" we get a Dragon Ball reference and I found that extremely hilarious. In "For the Future", Caleb says "It's not like a swarm of ghosts will inexplicably appear if you say his name...I think", which gives us the second Harry Potter reference of the show (the first one appearing in the first episode where Luz is trying to fly on Owlbert and says "expecto"). It's just great. I love to see it.

I always have more thoughts about the show when I watch it. I need to start adding them more often.

[justmenoworries]

My unorganized thoughts about Hazbin finale because I am feeling all the feelings.

Positives

The songs? Absolute bangers. Both of them. The Chaggie "More Than Anything" reprise got spoiled for me but I still loved it. We stan a supportive couple ready to go to war together. The reprise for "Happy Day in Hell" at the end was a nice touch. Loved that it was Lucifer who picked up the slack to cheer up Charlie. Mans finally becoming the dad who stepped up.

The battle as a whole was awesome. Hot take, but if Adam didn't have the spawn infinite enemies cheat all bad guy armies seem to have in these situations, the Hotel definitely would've won.

I'll admit, I wasn't too jazzed about Sir Pentious replacing Mimzy in the main cast but he kind of redeemed (lol) himself for me this episode. Bro was both one of the funniest and most heartwarming characters in the finale get yourself a man who can do both. The unholy (lol) noises I made when he showed up as a redeemed soul in Heaven. Good for him! He deserves the best. Also I find Sera's and Emily's reactions to the reveal kind of interesting. Emily is overjoyed seeing that Charlie's idea works, but Sera looks... mortified? Disgusted? Kinda tells us which one of these two really deserves the title of Big Good. Side note, but it's kind of funny how the only physical change a redeemed sinner goes through is that their color scheme is now pastel instead of goth.

ADAM FUCKING DIED YESSIRRRRR! GOOD RIDDANCE BITCH NO ONE WILL MISS YOUUUU (Except for Lute, but no one gives a fuck about what Lute thinks, cry harder hoe)

Charlie's and Lucifer's true formssss! Razzle and Dazzle getting to be badassss! (R.I.P. Dazzle, hope you somehow end up in Heaven too)

Alastor Vs Adam. Cool fight, surprisingly not as one-sided as one might've thought. I mean, Alastor still lost but he lasted a lot longer than most of the others who fought against Adam (Poor Sir Pen)

Vaggie and Lute rematch, I fucking called ittttt!

Seeing everyone gear up and fight for the Hotel was cool, seeing so many Exorcists get axed off was cathartic as fuck.

Lute losing a part of her body because of Vaggie, just like she took a part of Vaggie's body was *chef's kiss*.

Lucifer Vs Adam and Lucifer just... not taking the fight seriously at all until Charlie almost gets hurt. He was really just toying with Adam for the entire first half and when he started getting serious Adam got trashed so fucking quick, I love it.

Charlie fucking shanking Adam and stopping his punch Just Like That. I lover her, she's such a badass. Sure wish we could've seen more of that (foreshadowinggg)

Vox acting as the greek chorus for the events of the episode works surprisingly well. Ngl I thought his constant commentary would get annoying really fast if they kept cutting away from the action just so he can say a funny. But no, they actually managed to time it pretty well. Props to Adam Stein (writer for this episode).

The Negatives (Yes, They Exist)

The other Vees did not need to be here. Seriously, we're starting off with Vox alone in his control room and we could've stayed there. Velvette and Valentino didn't even talk for the majority of the episode. And I'm not a fan of how Val continues to be played for comedy. Unfriendly reminder that this man is a r*pist and an abuser. If you needed a V for the funnies, Velvette and Vox are quite literally right there. (Can you believe Velvette had no lines this episode but fucking Val had both a speaking role and a not insignificant part of the ending song? Weak.) You can still have the ending scene of the Vees hanging out and planning after the aborted Extermination, literally nothing changes if you cut Val and Velvette from the cutaway gags.

Not a fan of how Lucifer stole the spotlight. "But you said you liked the Adam Vs Lucifer fight-" Yeah, I did. Doesn't change that this shouldn't have been Luci's fight, it should have been Charlie's. We've had hints this whole season that Charlie is actually way stronger and wrathful than anyone thinks and that she's actively working to keep up her cheerful and friendly persona. Her stabbing Adam with her trident was a nice start, but after Lute killed Dazzle and seriously endangered Vaggie, this should've been the moment Charlie decided "Alright that's it, no more Miss Nice Girl, I didn't want this to end in bloodshed but these assholes are going down." This should've been the moment where the gloves come off. How much more impactful would it be if Charlie was the one beating down Adam but stopping before killing him? If the show made it clear Charlie could murder this asshole, but she doesn't, because she's still better than he ever will be. What a way to show that Charlie truly does believe in the good in everyone or at least still believes in non-lethal solutions to the conflict between Heaven and Hell! But nope, Charlie gets two badass moments, then is banished to the side-lines and to the role of damsel Lucifer has to save and who has to be the metaphorical angel on Lucifer's shoulder who stops him from offing Adam (for some reason). If we needed to get Lucifer involved, maybe have him show up earlier to help the Hotel but get hurt somehow, forcing and motivating Charlie to step up as the future ruler of Hell. Speaking of-

Why the fuck was Lucifer so late to the fight??? Yeah yeah, I know, depressed shut-in, but in "More Than Anything" he literally calls Charlie "the only thing worth fighting for" in Hell. He knew the Extermination was coming. Yeah, maybe Charlie didn't tell him that the trial in Heaven went south and that Adam's Exorcists were going to target the Hazbin Hotel, but you'd think he'd have noticed something was up??? More importantly, if he really wanted to support Charlie's dream of saving the sinners in Hell, why didn't he take part in the battle from the start??? Why didn't Charlie ask him to fight alongside her??? Yeah, Charlie is reluctant to ask Lucifer for anything because they don't have the best relationship, but we've had an entire fucking episode of them growing closer and Lucifer assuring Charlie he'd help her. And this wasn't just a matter of pride, Charlie's friends and her girlfriend were in danger of getting killed, you're telling me she'd choose her own hang-up over all of them??? "But if Lucifer was there, the fight would've been over too quick-" refer to the previous point. Angels can be hurt and killed by angelic weaponry, there were like over a hundred Exorcists on that battlefield and don't tell me Adam would be above fighting dirty by attacking while Lucifer is distracted. There. Easy way to take Lucifer out of the fight and make way for Charlie.

Not a fan of how Cherri Bomb x Sir Pentious was bullrushed in this last episode. Yeah, we established Pentious likes her, but Cherri had like no interest in him until Angel commented he might have two dicks. Which, I guess her being after a purely physical relationship could work, but we all know that's not what Pentious wants. Their "romance" gives "He Was a Boy She Was a Girl" vibes. Like Velvette and Valentino, nothing in the episode would've been lost if that particular plot-line was dropped.

"The future of Hell belongs to the Vees" Yeah but does it though? Does it? Sorry, but I'm having a hard time taking these three seriously as a threat. Vox got effortlessly trounced by Alastor (and contrary to what the Vees believe he isn't missing, he came back), Velvette talked a big game about fighting the Exorcists but then did absolutely nothing and Val would eat dirt so fast against anyone who can actually fight back. Plus "Overlords hanging by a thread"? Which Overlords, exactly? Alastor? He's not dead and like previously stated, he's not 'missing'. Rosie, Carmilla, Zestial and the rest of the Overlords are just fine, the Extermination was centered around the Hazbin Hotel this time, no other turf even got scratched. "Nature abhors a power vacuum" What power vacuum? Again, no Overlords even died! No territory outside the hotel was destroyed! Are they just on a high from Alastor's supposed disappearance? I hope that's it, because otherwise damn, you three fucking suck at being Overlords.

[entomophagouserisian]

Incoming: some weeb shit I've folded one of my favorite math things into (permutations)

So I recently went back to Revolutionary Girl Utena because my girlfriend hadn't seen any of it yet and I hadn't seen much beyond season 1 (I know it's a foundational work of sword lesbianism and regret not having gone harder on it before).

I was kind of laughing with her about how edgy the translated lyrics of Zettai Unmei Mokushiroku (Absolute Destiny: Apocalypse, the song that plays during the scene where Utena climbs up to the arena every episode) and I noticed that there wasn't a translation for a chant at the end of it that hits my ear in a very pleasing way.

The chant in question:

Mokushi Kushimo

Shimoku Kumoshi

Moshiku Shikumo

The reason there is no translation is that it's mostly gibberish. They took the word "Mokushi" (Apocalypse) and rearranged the syllables in all possible ways to create this particular piece of poetry. The repetition of syllables in this way ends up feeling really good to my brain when I hear it and I have therefore been alternating between trying to memorize it and analyzing its structure for the past few days.

Unfortunately in order to present my process for this analysis I'm going to have to teach you some basics of the mathematical conception of permutations.

(The following aside into math is actually wholly unnecessary to my overall analysis, so feel free to skip to the clearly marked conclusion at the end if it feels like too much or you just don't feel like engaging with it)

A permutation is any reordering of a set of objects. Note that it's just reordering, it doesn't include deletions or the introduction of new elements or new copies of old elements. Commonly if we want to analyze permutations directly, and more specifically to talk about the permutation where the first object goes to 2nd position, second object to 3rd, third object to 1st, we use (123) (read as 1 goes to 2, 2 goes to 3, 3 goes to 1). As well, if the 3rd object stays put and the first two swap places, we would use (12) (read as 1 goes to 2, 2 goes to 1) to describe that. If no change is made, we usually just use (1) (read as one goes to one or the identity) to describe that. (This is very much lacking the rigor and generality that I would've preferred, but this post would've been substantially longer if I'd gone into that much detail, so I'm kind of hoping someone can come in with just this much explanation and understand what comes after)

So my first step in my analysis was to try to record how each of the "words" related to the base/actual word Mokushi (this is admittedly where it would be quite useful for me to change over to hiragana, but I don't know it and don't have a keyboard downloaded for it and don't feel like downloading one just for this post or copy/pasting the hiragana repeatedly, sorry to those of you who study/enjoy Japanese)

So, rewriting the chant as the permutations applied to Mo-Ku-Shi (written this way to emphasize the 3 objects being permuted):

(1) (132)

(123) (12)

(23) (13)

It was fun but didn't get me anywhere (other than verifying every possible ordering was present, but I was already pretty certain of that) so I instead chose to look at what permutation is happening at each step in the sequence rather than just how they compared to the original:

* (132)

(132) (13)

(132) (132)

Here, we see a much more obvious pattern. For all but one transformation, we are permuting by taking the first syllable and pushing to the end, moving the other two toward the beginning of the "word". To hear it, it is very easy to recognize the 2-syllable repeats happening throughout that first pulled my attention. However, this one permutation couldn't be done exclusively if they wanted to cover all possible permutations, as applying (132) 3 times brings you back to the original word, so the third Permutation is instead (13) which just reverses the syllables in this case since there's only 3 of them, but this also notably changes them to a "word" not yet seen which can bring us to the two we are still missing by applying (132) two more times.

It was after all of this that I properly noted that that middle step reversed the previous "word" and I mentally zoomed out to notice

~~~~Conclusion~~~~

the chant is set up to mirror itself. The pairs 1&6, 2&5, and 3&4 are all the reverse of one another, ordered such that for all but one pair heard in sequence, there is a 2-syllable repetition when moving from one word to the next. (Yes it took me this long to notice it was mirrored. No all that permutation work was definitely not necessary, but forgive a [likely autistic] math nerd for her indulgences.)

It's just a silly chant in a cartoon but it made me happy to see permutations in it and I am sincerely moved by the poetry of making gibberish out of a dark and serious word like apocalypse by listing off anagrams.

[raayllum]

I know it’s a longer one, but I vote for Rayla’s Position In The Narrative as a Dual Antagonist!

*cracks knuckles with shania twain music* let's go girls

So I've talked about this very briefly before in the context of a much larger meta about something completely different, but 'Rayla is the only character who enters the show as an Antagonist for both the humans and the elves. She is the first character to be caught in the middle, opposing everything the human characters are currently all trying to save (King Harrow’s life), and also ruining whatever chance her mission has of success, angering and endangering her fellow assassins. Much of season one, then, is pushing her into a more positive role for the humans, and much of season three examines whether or not she is right to oppose the elves — and how to reverse it if she can. This is part of why she wrestles so intensely with the ‘failure’ of both her own mission and her parents’

After all, neither Viren nor Claudia are an antagonist in any way until 1x03. Soren doesn't arguably become an antagonist at all until S2. Part of this is because Soren and Claudia, while they face set backs in what they were trying to do (protect the royal family; keep the egg on their side), they don't 100% shit the bed, so to speak. Claudia would've had the upper hand if Callum hadn't blind sided her and even then they struggled to get rid of her smoke wolves and she got out of the chain herself. Soren did successfully protect Callum and reeled from the loss of Harrow, but was still confident in his ability to find the princes when he thought that was the mission Viren was giving him.

Which is to say: Soren and Claudia don't go looking for redemption until much, much later, if at all; Soren only reaches that precipice 2.5 seasons later in 3x05 and then finds in full in 3x09. And even when they are opposing the heroes, they are not opposing their father; they are still aligned with a certain side. Likewise, even though Callum and Ezran are working against some humans, they have confidence that they are making their mother proud with the mission they have taken up and are later reaffirmed in their choices by Harrow.

Rayla doesn’t have any of this reaffirmation. Even Ethari, with their brief reconciliation in S3, doesn’t offer her much, if any, hope or comfort beyond their initial hug. 

Rayla enters the show, has one scene, and immediately shoots herself in the foot, because she fails at the one uttermost thing she was absolutely supposed to do on a mission we have every indication she begged/fought to be on within an inch of her life, and she chokes at the finish line.

R: I am pretty awesome at everything... right up until the moment when it really matters. I dunno. I hesitate. I think too much. Get confused about the right thing to do. Then the next thing I know, I've failed.

Then, to make matters worse, she covers up her failure and lies about it until it’s forced out by circumstance. Then, even after being removed from the mission, she resolves to make up for her mistake and heads to the castle in secret... and then defies and fights her mission leader. Thus, Rayla is squarely an antagonist for the first two episodes and it is only because we see her spare a human / struggle (both things our favourite princes are not privy to) that we root for her and trust her when she begins to turn in 1x03. 

And in fact, much of 1x03 revolves around narratively ‘rehabilitating’ her as she follows Ezran’s lead, answers the boys’ questions, defends them, stands against Runaan to protect them, and is cinched by her vow to Callum: “Say the word and I’ll go back in that tower with you.” Say the word and I’ll fight against the rest of my troupe / people for you. 

She goes from being both an antagonist to the humans and elves to switching right around and becoming an antagonist to her own people, the elves as well as her own family, with her and boys becoming their own side and their own team in many ways. Otherwise known as, in Rayla’s words:

But even once she’s switched sides, this double antagonism doesn’t just go away. Rayla is often directly opposed to whatever the boys want in S1-S2 - to go to the Banther Lodge, to take the boat, to take the easier path up the mountain, to trust Soren and Claudia at the Moon Nexus, to have Callum go out into the storm, or to try to save the dragon in forest. And in addition to this double antagonism, much of S1-S3 is Rayla’s reformation and redemption arc to both sides of the war, to both the humans she would have hurt and to the elves she left behind.

However, and this is where it gets somewhat tragic, is that it’s not like S1-S3 are smooth sailing for Rayla. She continues to consistently fuck up, often regardless of the support other characters’ offer in action or in word. 

Which is to say: Rayla is also the most antagonist to herself. She gets in her own way, she trips herself up, and all of that just compounds and reaffirms her belief that the problem is her. She can switch sides, run away, get people to back off, take or learn every possible maneuver, and disaster will still follow, because the disaster is her.  

Which is to also say: Rayla focuses so hard on redeeming herself to other people, to other causes, to other nations, she forgets that redemption is also supposed to be for herself, let alone that in so many cases she has nothing to forgive herself for. Not all, as we see in TTM and S4 and the way she blows her own life to pieces and Callum is caught in the crossfire most of all, but much of it. Even in the way she comes back into season four, knowing that she fucked up in some capacity, and that now she has to make up for it. 

In many ways that what makes S4 so complicated for her, as Rayla is simultaneously at her best and her worst. On the one hand, she’s come home to try and let go (as far as we know). On the other hand, she still can’t let go, and she’s lost what made her Rayla in so many ways in her time away. Which just makes me think of this quote from a recent podcast interview with Head writer Devon Giehl and writer Iain Hendry on the show (reflecting on Rayla in 4x08 rather than 4x04, mind you):

 You see her through seasons one through three like — just seems like any opportunity, she’ll be the one to make the big sacrifice. She’ll go out there to try and save the dragon, she’ll go and try and fight Viren and his army alone to protect everyone and so on. So the fact that once again she defaults to ‘I have to give up something painful to myself.’ [...] But I think you don’t do the — usually, you don’t do the greater whole any good by completely sacrificing yourself, and I do think that is often the lengths, like you said, a lot of the Moonshadow elf culture norms and mantras go to eventually is ‘You have to be willing to completely forget who you are’.

So now it seems, perhaps, that her heart is finally hard enough to do whatever it takes. 

Or is it?

Rayla reminds Callum that destiny is a book he has written himself. That the pen and paper is in his hands. That the Narrative is his to control. And I think it’s particularly purposeful that Rayla says this in response to Callum pigeon-holing them both into the roles they initially started out in. Callum, feeling powerless and out of control as a ‘regular’ human or as a dark mage, submitting to the terror of doing horrible things. Rayla, being asked to be a proper assassin, and kill the accidental snag in her plans, her mistaken target, for another’s sins. He’s asking her to be his antagonist again, if he’s forced to be hers. 

And, of course, this extends even further into the season finale, in which Rayla does the last thing the world that Callum wants, running after Viren again, highlighting what’s changed about their dynamic and what hasn’t, the ways they’ve grown to understand and accept each other, and the fundamental misunderstandings and clashes they’re still having. If you want to read more about this exchange and interplay of foils I’d recommend reading this meta here :)

Last but not least, I’d like to close this meta off by saying that there is one character who shares this dual antagonism from the start, and that’s Aaravos. He ‘helps’ people while really making them indebted or flat out pawns in his game. He offers gifts that leave the mages who take them dead shortly thereafter. 

He opposes the elves and dragons, yes, but has no love for humanity left in his heart. He opposes and orchestrates the downfall of each effort of peace. He will use humans and discard/destroy elves and dragons alike with little recourse. He doesn’t care about anyone, and Rayla (used to at least, and still does, deep down) care about everyone. 

And just one of the many ways they parallel each other across the seasons, but particularly in season four.

[londonspirit]

Well then...

It's been two weeks since the final episode (HOW?) and i have finally sorted my thoughts enough to write little about it (mainly for myself - as always).

First of: I fucking LOVED it!!! Yes, it wasn't perfect but that's only the studios fault and nobody else's.

(although I do have a few issues with the editing of especially the last episode: there's too many things wrong to ignore it. There's tiny bits not lining up before which is fine because one can overlook them; Ed going in for the kiss at the beach from the left and the close up is from the right, things like that. In the last epi there's too much of that: the crew behind them when Izzy dies, that's just bad editing; although once again, I'm pretty sure that's the studio's fault, if they could've done it like they wanted to, there would've been reshoots for it *sighs* It's a shame, because that scene is beautiful otherwise; sad as hell but incredibly well done. Taika and Con are really going for it, and it's amazing!)

Edit: knowing now that they cut FORTY fucking % I only keep my 'critics' because this is mainly for me! Knowing that, I am even more in awe about what they managed to make with that!!! They are all fucking MAGICAL for making this show as beautiful and amazing as they did!!!! And I really hope ONE DAY we can get a Director's Cut or something that's gonna make it all more smooth and just that more coherent, just like DJ would've wanted it to look!!!

Anyhow, i loved it. Im so happy to now have 8 more episode to obsess over again, to rewatch whenever I want and revel in the fucking MAGIC they gave us! The writers have really outdone themselves this season! It's tight and fast-paced but it still works fantastically well!

Personally, I've never been more in love with Taika - his acting was outstanding this season!!! Absolutely NO notes on that!! That man's soo fucking talented that whenever he says otherwise I wanna smack him over the head and shake him. I REALLY hope he does more of this because it was insanely good and I want more. (also: he's never looked more gorgeous!! the HAIR! the BEARD! the fucking EYES!!! GUH!! I wanna give him all the awards for this role alone but that's just me!!! So yeah, much much love for him!!) Same goes for Rhys - they're both soo fucking good together, and I cannot wait for them to do more drama because they'd fucking smash it! And not to forget the rest of the cast: every single one gave their absolutely best and I loved every single second of it!!!

What else? The fucking LOCATIONS!! God, I've always wanted to go to AoNZ but this season made me so much more needy!!! (not happening anytime soon but yeah, ONE DAY!!). Sooo stunning, sooo damn beautiful!! GUH!!!

Also: Guest stars!!! First and foremost: FAMILY!! Say what you want about that, but I fucking LOVE when shows do that!!! Taika's kids made me squeal soo much in the BTS vids already, but having DJ's wife in it as well??? With a rather substantial role? And her absolutely smashing it?! Totally made that episode even more amazing!!!

VERY much in love with Ruibo!!! Her Queen was incredible and I loved every second she was on screen!! Her character was so nuanced and wonderful and perfectly balanced. I REALLY hope we can get her back for a 3rd season - she fucking rocked it!!!

And we got ALL THE KISSES!!! I mean, I was hoping to get some more, and something a little more passionate than in S1 (don't get me wrong, I still love that one but yeah...) And we got soo many!! And soo many wonderful ones!!! And no I can't pick a fav: I love them all. The moonlight one had me losing my shit all over the place (at work no less) - the callbacks, Ed's fucking EYES and Stede's shy glances!! GUH, that was just soo delicious!!! The Calypso one was just hot as hell and I may have cursed them for not making that longer!! And the beach one was just utter perfection! Their faces, their smiles, Ed's 'I love you' still makes my stomach all gooey!!!

And then there's Izzy. *sighs* My little angry raccoon man. Our indestructible little fucker. Con motherfucking O'Neill. UGH!! I hated him (Izzy, not Con) all the way through S1! There was not one redeeming feature on that bastard. BUT... when you've read all the Ed/Stede fics and you start to look for something new and then find some beautifully written Izzy/Roach ones and then start to like him and eventually read more and then end up reading (and writing) some SteddyHands and you're like 'yeah, I can see it now'. It also helped A LOT that Con's such a darling man and so real for it all, and you have too much time to fall in love with him after all... So naturally you start to like S2!Izzy. And then you start to love him, and you fucking ADORE the SASSINESS he's got this season. (Still not over the morning after Izzy - the SASS was through the fucking roof!!!) AND THEN THEY LET HIM SING!!!! DEAR GOD!!! I would've loved for a full on musical episode (I mean, that talent show would've been such a GREAT opportunity for that!) The ENTIRE cast is freakishly talented and they all could've pulled that off. So naturally I was VERY HAPPY that at least they let Izzy sing!!! I'm still not over that!! (And Im highly amused that even some of the crew had no idea that he could do that!!! I mean... he got a fucking OLIVIER award to prove it!!!) (but then again, I spend way too much time on YT to find his stuff so that's probably just me!) AND DID HE DELIVER!!! The whole party bit, with the make-up and the shyness at first and then just BURSTING it out was just sooo fucking beautiful!!! Every damn frame of that was a bloody masterpiece and I'd KILL for the bits they cut - I'd pay a very good price for a DVD with ALL the deleted bits because I KNOW that DJ had to tighten that baby down massively!!! I NEED THAT!!! *exhales*

So yeah, S2 made the impossible possible and made me LOVE Izzy fucking Hands! Which im certain was their plan all along - otherwise his death wouldn't have been this devastating!!! Which is fucking WAS!! I cried at work (thankfully there was nobody there!)! And im still not over it!! I totally understand WHY they did it. Doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt. (here the strange editing sort of took away from the PAIN of it all a bit but if you concentrate on Ed and Iz it can be ignored).

*sighs* I'm just so sad that some people went and attacked our beautiful writers like they did. I know it's only a small part of an otherwise amazing fandom but I HATE that they're soo fucking loud - i can only hope DJ and his writers know that most people love what they did! (and NO, I do NOT wanna discuss it. you can be sad, yes, and you can be mad too but you do NOT go and shit-talk the writers or send them death threats - that's an absolute no-go! And no, in a show that's all around queer and has a lot of disabled character, it's not homophobic or ableist - it IS after all just a tv show. If YOU put too much of your own wants into it, that's on YOU! Ugh, sorry, didn't want to get into this but it makes me soo mad!!!) Once again, I'm very glad that I follow only the right people, no need to block or unfollow anyone on here or on Twitter! *blows kisses*

So yeah, despite some small flaws and scenes I KNOW have been cut, I love the second season just as much (if not more) than the 1st one. I can only hope that the studios decide to let DJ finish it. Im so happy with what we got - fanfiction can totally work with that. But I would love to see more Ed and Stede (trying and probably failing) to run their Inn, see the crew of the Revenge get into insane adventures, maybe even meet some more new characters (JC and BM still need to make a cameo!) - there's still soo much story to tell and I would LOVE to actually SEE it on screen!!!

I also would LOVE for the cast and crew to be able to finally talk about it, promote it, share stories and pictures and everything during a 3rd (and last) wave of MADNESS surrounding the show. Everyone deserves to bask in the love we have for them and our show. S1 had barely any promo. S2 aired during a strike. S3 could make up for all of that and get cast and crew the love, recognition and adoration they soo very much deserve!!!

[beautifully-lumpy]

the beautiful person's journal - #4: the troubled production of the late 2010's videos, and my teenage self's concerns

(just gonna give a little disclaimer...i obviously don't know jim personally. in this post, i'll be discussing the SPECULATIONS i had about the caddicarus show's production between 2016 and 19 that i gathered through public information on his social media accounts. these are my PERSONAL opinions! you may have different ones about this era of the channel, but i...was an observant little autistic teen.)

so, i'm pretty sure i've established several times now that i'm a fan from 2014. and if you happened to know me between 2014 and 2019, you'd probably remember that i was very much a proud 2014-15 era caddicarus fan.

and i had a reason to be proud! i came along the same year as the release of the legendary dalmatians 3 video. the channel went up over 200k subscribers that year - from 100k-something to 300k. it went up to 400k in 2015 before the stagnation period. us buzzcut/apartment-era fans were the most populous group of beautiful people before the 2020 reset. the community interacted a lot, the caddicarus show was fortnightly and it was putting out bangers such as the vib-ribbon, playstation cheats, snow white, and cheesy episodes.

but by mid-late 2015, some problems began to arise. there were rising debates in the fanbase about whether or not the caddicarus show should upload more frequently. the ballz and blossom blast episodes were very controversial. and the puppicarus show was the final nail in the coffin for the older community - it sent the fandom into violent fights and debates in the comment section. it was one of the first times our fanbase was truly divided...the only precedent for this would've been the stanley parable tinker time, which couldn't hold a candle to these events.

and after this incident...the caddicarus show became weekly in february 2016, which was HUGE at the time. all the beautiful people rejoiced as this was the first time in history we've had weekly episodes. AND with two bonus videos every week? what's not to love?

well...even back then, i was simultaneously excited...and worried. i was ecstatic about the show becoming weekly, and i was also excited about the channel getting new branding...and as you may recall, my expectations were a bit too high for the latter.

but i was very worried about caddy. this 21-year-old dude who had just moved into a family situation is now gonna have to pump out three videos a week, while staying consistent in quality and being there for his family?

and you know what? i had a lot of fun with season 6 when it came out. i have a lot of fond memories waiting for the video to come out every sunday, and during that waiting time, me and my fandom buddies would create stuff like memes and fanart.

and season 7 was fun too! that month of terrarr was by far my favorite, and the fall of 2016 is EXTREMELY nostalgic.

by the beginning of 2017, he'd moved to the current house and was still keeping a consistent schedule. current quickies was replaced with the caddy show, which had longer videos and more variety. film fridays was replaced with cinemaggots but it was still a show about movies nonetheless. and hey! even after all the other shows were phased out in 2016, there was still something for everyone on the caddicarus channel! don't like the monty python madness on the caddicarus show? check out the slower-paced caddy show instead! don't like video games? well, cinemaggots is the show for you!

season 8 was still great, but it wasn't as great as the two preceding it. well, surely things can only get better, right...?

season 9 was...a season alright.

sure, after re-evaluation i like it a bit more, but at the time...woof.

and this, my friends...is where i personally thought the cracks began to show.

i was thinking to myself at the ages of 15-16 in 2017-18 - why does jim feel like he needs to appeal to everyone? yeah, he has to make money and pump out these videos to feed his family, but is that really working? look at these view counts! they don't even begin to halfway reach the sub count! people aren't tuning in like they used to! the charm is going away! does jim not realize that the caddicarus show used to be an event? in 2014-15, if i got a notification on my phone for a caddicarus upload that said "... - caddicarus" at the end of the title, my ass dropped EVERYTHING i was doing. the caddicarus show was SERIOUS business.

who in god's name was itching to watch drive thru reviews?? film fridays?? tinker time?? most people who subbed to caddy were coming for the caddicarus show. but when he makes it weekly, not only does the feeling of it being an event go away, but it becomes routine and formulaic along with the other shows. every episode has the same structure, with these repeated jokes sprinkled in. "here's a crappy kids' game, here's me analyzing it in-depth for 20 minutes, obligatory content creator friend saying 'CADDY i played this WRETCHED game on my OWN channel, PLEASE caddy you are going to DIE if you play this', obligatory miluk reference, obligatory side character cameo for obligatory lore, here's me shooting the crappy kids' game, please remember to stay beautiful." this mindset is ultimately weakening the show. i can guarantee if he changed up his format and made the caddicarus show fortnightly or monthly again, the quality could go up AND his mental health would improve. please jim. we're worried about you.

...ok, those weren't my exact words. but i'll participate in a family prayer before i show y'all direct excerpts from my 2017-18 caddicarus random book on wattpad.

but those were still the thoughts that were brewing in my head. i was campaigning for monthly caddicarus episodes on my wattpad, i was always worried whenever he'd talk about his mental health. i thought that the schedule wasn't only hurting the video quality, but also him.

and...my suspicions were correct.

caddy has talked about this on many streams, interviews, and convention panels, such as the arlo podcast and this final fantasy stream; this work mindset absolutely destroyed him. paraphrasing these interviews and panels and streams, he would have mental breakdowns where he'd shut himself away from his family and the internet. he was making videos just for the sake of making them.

of course, when i was 14-16, this stuff wasn't really public knowledge yet. but i looked at clues such as the sub rate which began to stagnate as soon as late 2015, and the view counts of videos which began to suffer. caddy had thought he needed to pump out more videos to have his channel perform better, which obviously wasn't the case. he was stuck at 500k for over two years...these days, he takes about 8-9 months to gain 100k subs.

so now that i know a lot more, i understand fully why the quality of the show slipped.

i stopped watching in march 2019...and from what i was being told by a fandom friend who kept updating me on what was happening, things weren't really improving as much. december 2019 was one of his worst months for mental health. looking at this capture of his socialblade, he was bleeding subs in may 2019 and it was one of his worst months yet. that same month, he published the now-unlisted PUBG video, which was extremely divisive. it was also the same month where he tried to start a new film review show that he quickly pulled because he realized he was about to fall into the trap of having multiple shows again. and according to this community post and this video, he almost shut down the channel twice in 2019 because of how poorly it was performing.

needless to say, i stayed very worried about him throughout that year while i was pursuing other fandom endeavors. i would just feel sad watching the view counts deteriorate.

this quote from one of the community posts i linked says a lot:

As it turns out, this was more a strategic early move to save myself over anything. I know exactly how I get when I get overworked, and it isn't good. Uninspired, stressed, rushed, even sick - so before I got too into it and allowed to to negatively affect the Caddicarus Show, I nipped the movie review series in the bud before it could get too out of control. I REALLY need to stop letting these ideas get to my head. If I feel inspire to create more, PLEASE remind me to channel that ALL into Caddicarus. I'm insane.

this was EXACTLY my concern with the channel...and here it was being said back to us by the man himself.

i never said a word to him about this stuff. i never tried to get attention, i was never overly angry about it, i just had criticism. but this answer from the 2022 TMG panel just confirms to me that caddy had these same thoughts all this time since 2016...but he couldn't act on them because of the financial situation. and that combined with the mental health stuff...it feels kinda weird looking back on certain years of the show, especially 2019. when i think about the shit caddy was dealing with during the time, it kinda taints them.

here's a comment from jim in the replies of a top comment on the behind the scenes episode. the comment in question was a person reminiscing about the older videos and wishing caddy didn't rag on them so much:

there's a lot of confusion as to why those older videos are tagged as such. but they're tagged for a reason. and it's not just because of the video quality. trust me, i was confused and irritated when i saw he'd done that, but after returning, i started to understand. of course, i don't support him straight up privating or deleting them, but simply tagging them is a good compromise. the thing is, a lot of us have amazing memories with these older videos. and i recall him making a tweet that went something like "the more i hear about my older videos the more i want to delete them", and all the lumpies and germs promptly began telling him "DON'T."

so, the 2016-19 era was pretty rough. but it's good knowing that things did get better from there. jim went through so much adversity and bullshit and it paid off astoundingly. this channel has seen hell, been through hell, and crawled out of hell before its putrid hands could pull it back in. caddy adapted, learned to game the system, stopped caring about numbers and staying relevant, and proceeded to create the best videos he's ever done...while rejuvenating his channel in the process. it had returned to a 2014-like community and sub rate...the sense of community that 15-16 year old me had longed to return. the loving community had faded away after the 2016 changes and i missed it so.

and just how rejuvenated was his channel? well...

just this past august - one day after my 8th anniversary of becoming a fan - he achieved what a lot of us in the fanbase thought was impossible for years. for a while, it looked like he'd never reach it. but with all his determination, resilience, and strength...he made it. and my god, i am so glad i was able to watch all this history unfold.

you are amazing, jim. 💜

[kiss-my-freckle]

This post references 8 episodes (1x21, 3x1, 3x2, 3x3, 3x18, 3x19, 3x22, and 5x11) 4x1 is written alongside 3x22, if you feel like adding.

Season 3 is written a certain way. It's basically pulled full circle and ends opposite the open. Elena dies in 3x22 because she fell for Damon in 3x1. I consider 3x22 a rebirth opposite her birthday, and water is typical for a rebirth. Caroline literally refers to her as a newbie vampire. Anyway, this is how things work in season 3.

3x1 is Elena's birthday. This is when she falls for Damon. 3x2, she outs her feelings to Damon. His parallel is in 1x21.

When I say she was "crazy" about Damon before she turned just like Charlotte was, just watch what she does. In 3x2, she's like... "You're scary as hell, Ray, but we can't leave Damon. If he gets bit by you..."

Alaric is trying to get her off the mountain and she's arguing with him about it. Elena never minds the risk of her getting killed by Ray.

Skip to 3x18. She was literally arguing with Stefan to save Damon when saving Damon wasn't necessary because, in their minds, killing Finn would've killed Rebekah and saved Damon in the process.

This only goes to show how "crazy" she was about Damon while she was still human.

It wasn't until after they killed Finn that Elena learned the Originals were no longer combined as one, and that killing an Original would kill their entire bloodline.

That's why Stefan is upset in 3x18. He saw what Damon saw in 3x2. These two episodes literally parallel each other, they simply shift brothers.

She could've kept going, but she didn't wanna risk Damon. Stefan then gave her no choice but to help him. This is where the difference in 3x2 matters as I consider it straight-up manipulation on Stefan's part. "Stefan's out there somewhere. And now Damon, and we're just sitting in this car?" Rebekah had Damon, but Stefan was safe. He knew damn well that Elena wouldn't risk losing him, so he threatened to face Finn by himself.

Elena hates this, btw.

Insert Rebekah's dream to show what Elena feels. 3x2 is the very reason Damon believes it's real.

3x2 and 3x18 work in combination to show what Damon already knew. He wants her confession. Their scene in her bedroom plays out like Klaus and Caroline in the woods in 5x11.

"What changed your mind, Elena?" "I'm talking about the fact that you're also in love with Damon."

Because Damon understands the position she's in, her confession to him is like his apology to Mason. Good enough. That's why he has no problem leaving once she admits it. That's all he wanted.

"I didn't want to see you get hurt, okay? I was... I was worried about you. Yes, I worry about you."

This follow-up line of Damon's was a guarantee that Stefan would find out about Elena's feelings for him, it was just a matter of when. 3x18 was that when.

"Because when I drag my brother from the edge and deliver him back to you, I want you to remember the things you felt while he was gone."

Like Damon, Stefan's parallel is in 1x21.

Damon then opens 3x3 in her bed. That's when you can combine scenes... 3x3, 3x18, and 3x19.

"You know you were dreaming about me. Explains the drool." "Actually, I was having a pretty good time in there."

3x19 is a huge foreshadow. Consider Elena a ghost once she kisses Damon.

[fayevalcntine]

I'm still confused over some people insisting that Edwina is placed on a pedestal by this fandom because honest to God, where??? I went in watching season 2 expecting to be solely interested in Kate and Anthony and have now ended up feeling like this entire fandom has no idea how to discuss character arcs and proper dialogue writing because it's gone from threatening writers of various episodes to insisting that Charithra is somehow to blame for Simone's lack of exposure by the show's Twitter account. Even if you consider Edwina's arc lacking or her dialogue not proper for the scenes, there's still some pretty obvious reasons as to why she reacts the way that she does and instead I'm being told repeatedly that she somehow had no right to be angry over being misled and lied to?? Even people that say "well she had a right to be angry about the lies but she had NO RIGHT to be angry for this long!" and the time span in question where she's been angry is like, a week's worth of time at most. I've seen siblings hold grudges over stuff that is way lesser than this for longer periods of time yet somehow, Edwina being angry over what happened for longer than a day is the most unrealistic part here apparently.

If Edwina is guilty of anything it's of being the more passive sibling of the two but even that is something that Kate insisted upon because she didn't want Edwina to have to worry about their money problems to the point where she would've married the first man that showed her interest. She's not guilty of "going after Anthony" when frankly a 29 year-old adult was the one who pursued her and then proposed to her in front of both his and her family, she's not guilty of "not seeing Kate and Anthony's chemistry" when again, Anthony was publicly courting her. Edwina's main fault in all of this is a result of various other circumstances that came into play in her and Kate's lives. To say that it's somehow a character fault that she considered Anthony a good candidate for a husband is also ridiculous because even with Kate's "pls find love amongst these gentleman", Edwina still had to make sure her act was perfect enough to guarantee the proposal of any man, especially when both her and Kate insisted that she's worked twice as hard to come off as better than the other debutantes. Also, people even now side-eyeing for her considering the Queen's suggestion that she meet the prince are fucking ridiculous because like, y'all wanted her to know the truth about her family's money problem, but now you don't want her to go after the rich guy who could give all of them enough money to live on?

TLDR; but saying "let WOC in fiction be flawed" is meaningless when the fandom in question only has the capacity to apparently understand one of them and then request that the others never be taken into consideration in any way. And this goes for practically all of the characters in question, not just Edwina!

[sanchoyo]

danny phantom season 2, ep 12-16 thoughts! these episodes, in comparison to the first 10 or so, felt way more laid back and low-stakes, which I appreciate sometimes. I didn't appreciate how lazy jack's halfa design was in masters of time, it made me so annoyed I redesigned it. 👎🏻 u_u

see prev episode thoughts in this tag <3

-'picking a fight with me and my upgraded form!' 'you upgraded to a mullet?' DANNNNY. YOU CANT SAY THAT TO TECHNUS. YOUVE HAD A MULLET TWICE NOW ('fun' split danny, and evil future danny BOTH HAD THEM). I HAVE THE RECEIPTS.

-danny seeing technus hurting valerie and yelling I AM GOING TO BREAK YOU IN HALF. SAMEEEE <3

-axion labs is now a part of vladco. FUCK YOU VLAD. hes not even really IN this episode, but just thought I'd throw out a nice fuck you anyway.

-'capable of blasting a single person into space in (2) minutes!' tucker. that would kill someone. i mean yeah they might get to space, but theres NO WAY THEY WOULDNT CATCH FIRE, OR THEIR ORGANS WOULDNT LIQUIFY BECAUSE OF THE STRAIN. THEY'D PROBABLY PASS OUT BEFORE THEN, BUT. ...no, okay, I get why vlad bought this company. this is RIGHT up his alley.

-danny KNOWS VAL DIDNT DO THIS, THAT SOMEONE STOLE THE SUIT. AND SPENDING ALL NIGHT CHATTING WITH HER. <3 and val is a 9TH DEGREE BLACKBELT?? danny's mom is, too!! omg and she hunts ghosts, his parents would love her. and her fav fruit is kumquat bc its a funny word. im so with danny val is amazing. I love her and I Do Not Want To Hear It From Sam.

-I knew danny wanted to be an astronaut, but the bowling tidbit is like. yes give me more useless info abt these characters, I love tiny details that make them feel more human, and im glad hes got hobbies aside from ghost stuff, we dont really see a lot of that!!! (I mean, we knew 'fun' danny from when he split himself in half liked bowling, so obv it makes sense he LIKES it, but hes very GOOD at it. so proud of him, bowling king) val calling him neil armstrong and them teasing each other. LOVE THAT.

-technus you are my favorite grandpa for setting this up. SAM WHY ARE YOU BEING SO CREEPY BE HAPPY FOR YOUR FRIEND!!! STOP SPYING ON THEM!!! who actually cares if technus did 'set them up' together, theyre having fun and enjoy each others company!!! 'you think the universe wants you two to be together?' 'i dunno, but maybe /I/ do!' EXACTLY DANNY!!! SOO TRUE.

-and valerie being happy sam said she wants to try and be happy for them and make room at the lunch table for them. and hugging sam over it. VAL NEEDS MORE FRIENDS.

-VAL GOING AFTER TECHNUS IN HER SUIT WITH (1) MILK, AND (1) TREE BRANCH AND KEYS!!!. I LOVE YOUUUU BEST GIRL. her new suit kicks ass

-dannys like 'HEY IM AN ASTRONAUT :D' AW. ...HES IN SPACE... the fact he's actually intending to give her the ring. with SAMS NAME ON IT?? IM CRINGING DANNY NO. YOU CANT DO THAT...thank god he didnt. thank god valerie cut it off and said they can just stay friends for now. tbh, they both have a lot on their plates!! they obv both still like each other...it can be a future thing!! when she knows about phantom! youre 14 theres no need to rush. I just want her to have friends and be happy :(

-...danny struggles to do (1) pull up. SAME. but all the ghost fighting in phantom form REALLY doesnt carry over at ALL? that sucks

-sam being as fit as she is, is not just a goth. shes a goth jock.

-honey I Shrank Our Kid, One of his Enemies, and his Bully: the episode

-dash's crush on phantom is So Obvious. fitness buddies :) watching them interact always makes me laugh. also, phantom, with PANTS. 'how many costume changes you gonna go through, what is this, vegas??' DASSH DJKSFHASKDF

-MADDIE GOING AFTER THE MOUSE WITH A BROOM, WHAT THE FUCK. AAAH. JUST BUY SOME KIND OF MOUSE TRAP.

-danny likes lime and vinegar chips. which sound very good.

-'our boy finally has the physical prowess of a 60 year old president!' ...poor danny LMAO

-'what's wrong with beauty pageants' oh tucker you sweet naïve child. what ISNT wrong with them. who approved this for a high school?? (I mean, yes. unfortunately child pageants exist, but...) also danny and tucker once again treating the pretty girls like objects. I need to meet the grown man who wrote this, I just want to talk...

-prince aragon's dragon form reminds me of maleficent (color scheme wise) which is always a bonus. considering the episode is called beauty marked, I feel like the sleeping beauty references are deliberate

-sam with the fake fangs. once again her accessories never miss. hate the 'not like other girls, girls who get sucked into this kind of thing are all shallow and all want to be carbon copies' bs tho.

-sam trying to be the Worst Bride, being rude as shit. DORA IS GOING TO GET KILLED. DID YOU MISS THE PART WHERE SHE SAID THE PRINCE WILL HAVE HER HEAD IF YOU ARENT THE IDEAL BRIDE. YOU /KNOW/ DANNY WILL COME SAVE YOU. JUST ACT CHILL UNTIL THEN. even if you were doing fine to get him to take off the crown, consider maybe not letting his poor sister get punished also?? sure, she could also take off the crown and has dragon powers, but did you know that for sure?? dora didnt even really realize it until you guys talked!! (or at least, she was scared to stand up to him. you had no guarantee she would...) but. good for dora. ANOTHER friendly ghost to add to the List :)

-tucker is so under appreciated in his time. if he was doing a tech-based campaign today he'd have a better shot. people in 2004 had NO IDEA how much tech would be a part of our day-to-day lives...altho. tbh if you're going to be running for student council president, maybe you should..focus on things to actually improve the school? since he's going for a tech angle, he could say like, he would be running fundraisers for the schools computers to be upgraded, etc? we've already SEEN he can be good at money-making entrepreneur type stuff!!

-oh my god wait. this episode is JUST YUGIOH?????! A REBORN PHAROH USING A TEENAGER AS A VESSEL?? YESSSSSS

-tucker using his new minion to feed him grapes and carry him. AND LOCUSTS ONTO THE BULLIES. I love how when he's possessed, he gains winged eyeliner.

-this episode is giving me big 'plankton makes everyone in bikini bottom his slaves and build monuments of him from the spongebob movie' vibes. and the pharaoh has a traitor who works for him? VERY big yugioh vibes. aknadin confirmed

-I like that danny is still completely exhausted after using ghostly wail. (still patiently waiting on him to get duplication)

-LOVE the fenton's 80s outfits. I get hes 14 and embarrassed by everything they do because theyre his parents, but. cmon, this is one objectively cool thing theyve done. love 80s fashion.

-...was vlad just standing on that streetlight waiting for danny to come out? how'd he know they'd be coming out the back? how long has he been up there???

-oh, wait, his ecto-acne has flareups? that SUCKS. danny was...well I dont want to say he was LUCKY HE HALF-DIED, but he was lucky his was pretty instant (I'm assuming that had to do with the power/scale of the portals being different?) I remember in the ep we met him, vlad made a point of saying he was stuck in a hospital for a long time, so. that really actually sucks and I feel bad. not that it excuses anything he's done...but like. it does suck.

-vlad being so sure danny wouldnt help him he made it somehow contagious to his friends to make sure he'd get help? danny is a nice boy, he wouldve helped if it was anyone else. the only reason he wouldn't have is because of the shit vlad did to him, on purpose. vlad 100% dug his own grave by being the biggest asshole, so it is very hard to feel bad for him.

-clockwork is back!!! and making danny learn lessons The Hard Way. Uhhh, okay. I kind of get Danny’s logic, that time traveling this far back would prevent vlad from becoming a halfa also, ergo no arch nemesis or ectoacne to worry about. But the fact that was basically the first solution Danny came up with to solve this problem is actually so funny. It’s so extreme

-APPRICIATION FOR THESE 80S LESBIAN BG CHARACTERS.

-vlad telling maddie in the lab (in the 80s) he has something he's wanted to tell her 'for a long time'...how long have they known each other? I assumed they met in college, since jack always calls vlad his college buddy/roommate, so jack and vlad for sure met in college, but did vlad know maddie longer? thats surprising if so. Tho we don’t know what year of college they’re in so they could mean they met as freshmen and a few years have past…speaking of maddie shes crushing the 80s look.

-vlad blames jack, but. maybe dont stick your face 2 inches from the portal??! THIS FEELS LIKE LAB SAFETY BASICS. IF SOMETHING HAS POTENTIAL TO BE DANGEROUS, DONT GET NEAR IT. WITH YOUR FACE UNPROTECTED IN ANY WAY. (altho jack didnt really give a Big Warning besides screaming BONZAI. so. also that, but cmon.) also, they need gloves, goggles, and to pull all of their hair back tbh. but fuck lab safety, I guess!

-cryyyyinnng at how lazy they were with jack's ghost form design, its just plasmius' design on jack!!! you couldve given him his own design!!

-there. I did that in about 10 minutes and its somehow less lazy than what made it into the show. embarrassing! better yet, I think the episode would've been better if maddie would've gotten the ectoacne. or maybe its just me, wanting to see her design! anyway. I'm sure people have already done redesigns of them both as halfas. I have to go look after I finish this watch through. Also mildly frustrated jacks resentment and bitterness is basically also a copy paste of vlads backstory. They’re different characters, I really don’t think jack would stew in bitterness and jealousy the same way vlad would!! I also don’t think he’d give up after one time of trying to hunt ghosts and getting laughed at. Our canon timeline says different…I dunno, I get it was for laughs, but I’m annoyed because the POTENTIAL this plot has…

-did vlad really wear a stupid cheese hat to his wedding. ok actually that kinda rules. and the cheese door knocker. the dairy-only buffet table. vlad still got rich, just on being the New Dairy King. (Assuming that means he owns a lot of dairy businesses?) ok! this actually is great. hope maddie isn't lactose intolerant!

-'no matter how hard I tried, I could never get rid of my ghost half, the half I knew Maddie could never accept' ohh, ouch, what a horrible thing to say to her HALF GHOST SON. 'YOUR MOM WILL NEVER ACCEPT YOU' BASICALLY.

-maddie strapping danny to the table with a lazer pointed at him in a secret lab she keeps from vlad that she makes a point of saying is sound proof so he can scream all he wants...CHRIST. DANNYS POOR PYSCHE.

-also, not to feel bad for alternate vlad (because, he did lie to maddie saying jack blames her and never wants to see her again...) but. being married to a woman 20+ years and she immediately goes back to jack? if she didnt love vlad and feels like she had to hide shit from him, and says she wasted her best years with him, WHY MARRY HIM. it feels like leading him on!!! cannot believe im feeling bad for vlad, but. this alternate timeline vlad is significantly Less Horrible than Our Vlad. did she not think she'd get funding for her ghost stuff? (which, fair assumption since they're considered 'ghost fanatics/nuts in canon...but...) why did she think jack or vlad would be her ONLY OPTIONS? be like your sister. be single. Actually, this au could’ve been really interesting if after the accident, vlad lied to her and said jack never wanted to see her again, but she stays single. Imagine how much that would bug vlad… like, in her mind, it was never a competition it was jack or no one type situation…

-danny being like 'leave him ALONE' this jack is a HOMEWRECKER, DANNY. let them go to court and settle this at the least. ...or just throw vlad into the portal. (100% human, defenseless vlad) CHRIST, MADDIE THATS BRUTAL. THATS MURDER.

-danny seeing his mom immediately accepting him and his dad being half ghosts in this universe, if I was him this would be a great sign that his universe's maddie would also.

-*maddie voice* "clockwork will help!" *2 seconds later, with clockwork* "I will Not Help." TOUGH LOVE KING. YES LET DANNY SEE THE SODA HIMSELF AND DEVOLP BETTER OBSERVATION SKILLS.

-when clockwork ""reset time to the way it was"" just before danny "meddled"" ...did he really erase a whole alternate timeline? ...damn. because maddie and danny both called it an alternate timeline by name, it splitting when the college incident went different, so it wouldnt have really mattered if he reset it, right. like because danny's timeline is on a different stream? why didnt clockwork just. show danny a replay and not Reset That Timeline. wh...I wonder how many people that Erased From Existence. Anyway! once again stating clockwork is casually terrifying!

[eagles-translated]

Season 3 Prediction Post | Felicia Kroon

This is the prediction post for Felicia in the upcoming season of Eagles! I will be making prediction posts for the other main characters as well.

I think Felicia is going to have a really tough time this season (as per usual, even if I would've liked to see her happy through this season).

The description of season 3 on SVT Play mentions that "Ludde and Felicia’s relationship is still affected by their history and it also turns out that their plans for the future are not entirely in sync". From this, I'm pretty certain that something is going to happen between her and Ludde that causes yet another rift in their relationship. I'm sure they'll spend at least a few episodes together before this happens, though. From these shots alone there doesn't seem to be any problems between them. They're also seen together at Ola's funeral (which will happen in the first episode of the season), so my prediction is that something will happen that creates tension between them but they won't actually break up. They'll spend time apart and maybe even take a break from each other, but they won't officially be over.

I think it would be too repetitive to have them break up again after spending a whole season apart. That isn't to say that they won't have problems—namely with Felicia's drug problems that still haven't been properly addressed, plus the abortion Felicia had that we still don't know anything about. During a fight with Jack, he threatened to leak Felicia's abortion to the press. We don't know when this abortion took place but I have two guesses to this. My first guess is that maybe she found out she was pregnant after she and Ludde broke up, and that she decided to have the abortion around the time when she ran off to the US. If this is true, then it makes sense that Felicia told Jack about it. When Felicia came back from the US in the beginning of season 2, she had virtually nobody she could talk to. She wasn't friends with Amie anymore, Elias was in Karlskrona, and her parents were right in the middle of a divorce. Felicia didn't even feel like she could talk about the divorce with her mom when they were together in the US, so she certainly wouldn't open up about having had an abortion. Being in a situation like this where she was really struggling and having nobody to talk to, I'm sure Felicia really overwhelmed. And when she reconnected with Jack and they got closer she finally had someone to talk to about all her problems and tell this secret to. All this was of course prior to Felicia finding out that Jack had cheated on her. The other alternative is that Felicia got pregnant after getting together with Jack, and then got the abortion. In season 2, episode 7 (conveniently titled Secrets) we see a scene of Felicia and Jack making out on a bed. Things are getting pretty steamy between them but Felicia stops Jack and quickly apologizes. He's confused and asks what wrong—it's not that she didn't want to do it or that she was still upset over the text Jack sent to his summer flirt Olivia, so what is it? We get the explanation that Felicia has a lot going on in her head and that things are tough for her. Jack says she can tell him anything and the scene ends there.

Maybe she'd just found out she was pregnant, and that's why she didn't feel like doing anything with Jack. It's very plausible that Felicia told him after the scene ends and maybe Jack knew she was going to get an abortion (or had already done it, prior to that moment, and felt ill because of that). Point is, that scene could be where Jack found out about the whole thing only to use it against Felicia later when his true colors came out. Anyway, knowing Felicia had an abortion at some point and that Jack will most likely use the information to ruin her reputation, maybe this is the reason for the drama between Felicia and Ludde. He might even find out from the tabloids and question her about it. I think when the news drop in these gossip magazines is when Felicia has her mental breakdown (or maybe the culmination of everything). We've seen a few behind the scenes shot of her being emotional and possibly having cried in a forest.

Here is that scene pictured in the trailer, where we see Felicia reacting to hundreds of comments (most likely) made about her from people on social media. There's also a shot of her running through the forest, maybe trying to run away from all her problems.

These are, from the looks of it, all hate messages. In the trailer we hear Felicia say "I'm so ashamed", which could allude to her being ashamed over the news of her abortion spreading. Maybe Jack even twisted the circumstances to make her look bad, which could explain why these comments seem so aggressive. When Ludde finds this out (maybe preoccupied with the whole trial where Jack reported him for getting violent at the party where Ludde hit him with a crutch and also his brother potentially getting out of prison) I'm sure this will cause a strain in the relationship. It would probably be really overwhelming to find out this secret in the middle of all that. I also feel like Ludde is the type of person to get angry over Felicia not having told him—in the trailer we hear him yelling "what the hell are you thinking?"—rather than being calm and collected over it. This could lead to Felicia's drug problems getting even worse. There's this shot of her in the trailer saying "What do you have?". This could be about anything, really, but it could also be Felicia going back to her bad habit of abusing hard drugs when she hits a low point.

I'd like to think that Ludde notices how Felicia is having a really tough time and helps her with the drug problem, but I doubt it. Maybe it would make more sense if her family helps her, considering how Mats knows a little about the struggles she's had and how Elias is aware of it.

There are two more shots in the trailer that I'm unsure of, namely these ones:

The first one is Felicia being caught off-guard after noticing a man having walked up to her. This could be Ludde or even Jack, who has been pretty absent from both trailers. Maybe he goes back to the US after the whole trial ordeal and having told the media about Felicia's abortion, or maybe not.

The second picture is Felicia reacting to something. She's shocked. I don't really have any guesses for what this could be except for maybe her seeing for the first time that her abortion secret is no longer a secret. But for all I know the abortion could be a way smaller plot point than I originally thought, or maybe even something that was completely made up by Jack?

To finish this off, I revisited this comment made by @elliephunk80 on an old prediction post i made on the final three episodes of season 2 where I claimed that Jack probably cheated on Felicia.

I really ship Felicia and Ludde but I hope you’re wrong about Jack being unfaithful. If she reunites with Ludde I dont like the thought of her going from one unfaithful man to an other. Can’t even think of what that would do to her… If that’s the way its gonna be I just hope she stays single for a long time to rebuild.

I think this is a really interesting point to bring up. Felicia and Ludde are framed as the main couple of Eagles and that they're destined to be end-game no matter all the obstacles they have to go through to get there.

But perhaps they're not really meant to be together? As the season description from SVT said, "[...] it also turns out that [Felicia and Ludde's] plans for the future are not entirely in sync". We also know how many problems these two have had from the relatively short time they've spent together as a couple. Maybe the best thing for Felicia is to be single and work on her mental and substance abuse problems, and the best thing for Ludde is to reconnect with his brother who probably needs a lot of support after getting out of prison.

Nevertheless, I'm really interested in seeing how season 3 turns out and how much of this was completely wrong lmao. My main hope for Felicia is just that she's happy and getting proper help at the end of the season, because I'm getting a little tired of how much the writers have been bashing her. For some reason Felicia always has it the worst—and I can understand to some degree why with her whole backstory and the pressure of being a public figure—but that doesn't mean we necessarily need three whole seasons to show how much Felicia is struggling. I really hope season 3 is when she finally receives the support she needs from the people around her.

[there-must-be-a-lock]

Set  Yourself On Fire

Word Count: ~1550

Warnings: Depression and suicidal thoughts. No, seriously, this is not a happy fic. It centers on Sam and his mental state between seasons three and four, so. Yeah. Demon blood, sad Sam, self-loathing, etc. Some mentions of Sam x Ruby, but the pairing is not the point. 

A/N: For @idreamofplaid​‘s “Thanks For The Memories” Challenge.  My episode was “I Know What You Did Last Summer.” 

I snagged bits from a drabble I wrote called “Might As Well,” which was about this same time in Sam’s life, and worked them into this. 

Thanks to @fangirlxwritesx67​ and @fookinghelljensensthighs​ for read-throughs, and to @stunudo​, @thoughtslikeaminefield​, and @lastactiontricia​, who helped me work through the fine points of the psychology that was going on here. 

Title from the Stars song Your Ex-Lover Is Dead: “When there’s nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire.”  

The whiskey stings when Sam splashes it over the cut on his arm. It’s a good kind of pain, blindingly sharp and clean, and for a moment it takes his mind off the slimy ache in his chest and the filthy squirming guilt in his gut. 

Dean’s looking at him again, searching and suspicious.

“Why do you trust her so much?” he asks, and Sam doesn’t want to meet his eyes. 

“I told you.” 

“You got to do better than that. Hey, I’m not trying to pick a fight here. I mean, I really want to understand. But I need to know more. I mean, I deserve to know more.” 

He does. Dean deserves that and so much better. 

Sam tilts the bottle again, watching the booze wash away the blood as it burns him clean, and he takes a sip, as if that’ll do the same thing to the ugly wound in his chest. There isn’t enough whiskey in the world to sanitize his insides. 

He knows he can’t tell the whole truth, but Dean deserves to know more. The question is, where does he start? 

He could start with the moment the dirt closed over the grave. Sam, Bobby had said, so quietly. Sam, don’t. And it was funny, how much Sam had always wanted that; he always wanted a father figure who would ask him to stay. I can’t, he told Bobby, and he lurched away, staggered to the car, started driving.

He can’t tell Dean about the days that followed, because he doesn’t remember much of them. Two, three, maybe four days slipped away while he hid in a shitty motel, drinking, and the memories that remain are disjointed flashes in his mind: the ugly floral duvet under his cheek as he collapsed face-first into the bed, the cold white bathroom tiles and the bruises they left on his knees, a ceiling fan distorted through salt-swollen eyes as he watched it spinning lazily overhead, the taste of bile, the blood on his knuckles, the broken shard of mirror that he picked up and turned over in his hands for longer than he’ll ever admit. 

No. He can’t start there.

“She saved my life,” he says hoarsely, and Dean waits while Sam tries to find the words. 

He still hears John, sometimes: Why are you crying? Be strong. Be brave. Get over yourself. Other people got it a lot worse, y’know. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. 

He’s gotten better at ignoring John’s voice, over the years, but it’s harder to ignore his memories of Dean. Dean blinking back tears, forcing a smile. It’s going to be okay, Sammy. I’m fine, Sammy, don’t worry about me. He’s always wanted to be like his big brother, and his big brother wouldn’t let himself wallow the way Sam had. His big brother would’ve found a way to fight back. 

The crossroads demon had been his only real hope. 

Just take me. It’s a fair trade. 

The worst part was, that no didn’t really surprise him. Of course his life wasn’t worth the same as Dean’s. Of course it wasn’t enough, he wasn’t enough, to save his brother the way Dean had saved him. 

Sam wasn’t sure who he was without Dean, without a mission, without anything to hold onto. 

He’d gotten in the car and started driving. He thought about heading West, out to the cliffs and curves of Highway One; the guardrail was so flimsy, and the Pacific would be steely-grey and welcoming. He thought about heading East, all the way to Maine; the shoreline was rocky and rough, and the crabs would find his body. He could go to Florida, drive into a swamp, let the muck swallow him slowly. He could go to the Dakotas, drive out into the desert, park there and wait, and the vultures would descend eventually. He wondered if anyone would notice that he was gone. 

He can’t tell Dean that.  

So he doesn’t tell Dean about the directionless days. He starts with the day Ruby found him. 

He doesn’t tell Dean about the relief he felt, when he thought Ruby was going to kill him. He doesn’t tell Dean about the cold crush of disappointment in his chest when she stabbed the demon instead. 

He tells Dean about her new body, “100% socially conscious.” He tells Dean about the plan to find Lilith: “I wanted to go right away.” 

Sam had asked, What do you want from me? 

A little patience. And sobriety. 

Sobriety made it harder to sleep, and insomnia made it even harder to remember what was real. He didn’t feel real. He felt like a faded, dull husk of a person, a sunbleached copy of a photograph instead of a breathing human with a heartbeat. Ruby told him to use his strength, but he didn’t have anything left. 

Sam didn’t much care if he died, and some days he wasn’t even sure he was still alive. 

He can’t tell Dean that. 

He sees the way Dean looks at him sometimes. He sees the exhaustion in Dean’s eyes, the worry flickering behind that, and Sam doesn’t want to add to the weight on his big brother’s shoulders. 

Ruby said, Just give it time, Sam. It'll get better. I'm not talking about pulling demons. I know losing Dean was…

I don't want to talk about it. 

The anger tasted ashy in his mouth. It burned, but in a purifying way, like a forest fire clearing the land for new growth. The anger helped him focus. He balled his hands into fists, imagined punching her, imagined that pretty face swollen and bleeding. 

He doesn’t tell Dean about that. 

You know what? Where do you get off slapping me with that greeting-card, time-heals crap? What the hell do you know? I used to be human. And I still remember what it feels like to lose someone. I'm sorry.

He almost did punch her, at that. 

When she kissed him, it was Dean’s voice in the back of his head saying, this is wrong. He shoved her away. 

“I knew it was wrong,” Sam confesses, and he can’t meet Dean’s eyes. “But…” 

He didn’t care, in the moment. It was his brother’s opinion that had always mattered; he always wanted to make Dean proud. But Dean was dead, and Sam had been drifting for so long, and Ruby’s skin was warm and soft and real under his hands.

It was more like a battle than a kiss. It was teeth and claws, ripping each other apart, but every bite and every scratch felt like a reminder that Sam was still alive. 

“Sam?” Dean snaps. “Too much information.” And there it is, there’s the disgust Sam knew was coming. Dean’s lip curls and Sam feels like a child again, clumsy and stupid next to his strong, steady anchor of a big brother. 

The half-truth sits uncomfortably in his throat, and Sam has to work to get it past his lips: “I’m coming clean.” 

There’s something monstrous inside him, something warped and wrong. There’s always been something wrong with him. 

He thinks of the vial in his pocket, the burst of copper on his tongue like a mushroom cloud, the silent dare in Ruby’s big dark eyes and the way she sighs when he slices her open. It burns a little hotter every time he drinks, and he must be charred and black inside by now. 

He hasn’t felt clean for a long time. 

That’s the thing about fire, though; it cleanses, purifies, and maybe he’ll burn up hot enough to take Lilith with him someday. Self-immolation seems inevitable, at this point. His life doesn’t mean much, but maybe his death will. 

“Pretty soon after that,” Sam says, “I put together some signs. Omens. Lilith was in town, and I wanted to strike her first.” Ruby had looked so goddamn concerned, when she realized, and Sam had hated her for it. You don’t want to survive this. This isn't what Dean would've wanted. This isn't what he died for.

“She came after me,” Sam says. “She saved me.” 

He hesitates. 

He doesn’t tell Dean about the blood. 

Sam remembers the night after that failed attack. He remembers watching Ruby cut herself for the first time: his stomach roiling and his skin crawling, the blood welling up and beading into shiny pearls of red. He imagined it sliding down his throat and staining his guts that same dark crimson. 

He doesn’t tell Dean about the way it sizzled on his lips, crackled and sparked inside him, lit him up in a whole new way. He doesn’t tell Dean about the next demon, the way the black oily smoke poured out all at once, faster than he’d ever seen it leave a human before, and the way his veins sang with the power. 

He doesn’t tell Dean about the too-hot shower afterward, when the fizz was long gone and he scrubbed himself raw trying to get rid of the itch that it left behind. 

He didn’t like the way he felt with Ruby, but at least he felt something again. 

“If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t be here,” he tells Dean quietly. 

He doesn’t ask, Do you regret dying for me? Was I worth it? 

He’s not sure he could live with the answer. 

.

.

.

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[colour-outside-the-liness]

Oh Disneyland Paris sounds fun yeah! Were you and your roommate already close then? I went to Walt Disney's world with my aunt and cousin when I was like 11 but it would've been way more fun if I could've taken my best friend with me for sure. Maybe we can go to the one in Paris now that she lives just 3h away from me! Oh I see, sounds like LA was really fun for you yeah! your roommate didn't mind third wheeling tho? Hahaha

Yeah Canada is beautiful but what I liked about it the most was the massive improvement in quality of life I had compared to where I was living before and just being able to be who I am and people accepting me for it. Not being worried about violence 24/7 felt pretty fucking great too. So yeah I highly recommend living there if you ever get a chance. But I am loving Portugal so far, people are a bit more judgemental here tho but I like that it's easier to travel to a lot of countries I've always wanted to go to. Everywhere you go there are pros and cons tho so sorting out priorities is key. But Toronto is my favourite of all the places I've been, before living there for a year I had already been two times!

Jesus 50 states, sometimes I forget how big the US is. And you can totally do it if you plan it out! After watching Bly Manor tho I really want to go to Vermont especially during autumn season looks really pretty! There's this fic I love (only the sun by prestonarchives) where Dani and Jamie go on a road trip from Vermont to Maine and I did their entire journey on Google maps street view bc I was so obsessed with this one chapter fanfic I had to immerse myself entirety in it hahaha. So now I want to go there irl. Here's the link if you haven't read it before!

https://bit.ly/3BLy4WR

Omg I totally remember reading that on CBML and being a bit confused bc I was like why would she think you can't see the moon from the great wall of China HAHAHA but I thought it was really funny and endearing yeah it's even funnier now that I know you said it irl haha.

Oh so ENFP-T means extraverted, intuitive, feeling and prospecting personality with a bit of turbulence. Which just means you're curious, perceptive, enthusiastic, an excellent communicator, festive and good-natured. On the other hand you can be disorganized, unfucosed, a people pleaser, overcommitted, too optimistic and restless.

I wonder what Jamies and Danis mbti are as well as their zodiac signs 🤔 I think Jamie might be an ISTP-A bc she's definitely an introvert, very practical, stubborn, assertive, layed back and energetic at the same time. And Dani is either an ENFP-T like you or an ESFJ-T with the whole selfless thing going on.

AE already made it canon that Jamie's an aries (and it makes sense) but I can't figure Dani out. I've thought about her being a leo ♌ bc she's generous, passionate, warm-harted and dominant in her own way and THE HAIR haha. But she's got some pisces ♓ vibes going on too...idk. aaand I'm back at it again with the astrology signs haha.

To be fair your recent drunken exp it was dark and at least you didn't think the road sign was a bear or something (don't know what kind of wild animals you've got over there) that you wrestled with and ended up in a ditch and your best friend let you believe that happened for 3 years up until recently haha. 😂 but yeah some things happen for a reason, having life threatening health issues doesn't sound great tho, but I guess it's a good thing it stops you from drinking too much and making dumb decisions. And hey maybe I secretly want that to happen again idk maybe moving countries is not exciting enough, I have to go out and make a complete drunken fool out of myself in a completely foreign place hahaha. I guess that did kinda happen last month when my best friend came to visit me from Spain and we got drunk on wine, I got lost on the way back home and it was way past curfew. 🤔 shit I'm 29 will I ever learn...

Episode 9 is 😢😍🥰😰😭🤬☠️ just the worst roller-coaster I didn't even know I was on. Haha I was more pissed off than heartbroken the first time I watched it ngl.

Well then maybe the way you do accents is friendly and funny so people can't really get mad at you haha. Like Dani! Oh so that's called a Geordie accent! I see, it's really really cool. AE said Jamie is from Lancashire but that's a whole county isn't it? Idk if there's a specific accent to this region. Knowing you speak kinda like Jamie is something else tho, I think if anyone who spoke like her ever talked to me irl I wouldn't be able to pay attention to what they were saying 😂 just the accent haha.

Oh so you already have 4k something words for it nice. I'm kinda starting to feel an obsession with this medieval AU growing in me, I made a Pinterest board just for it ngl hahaha but I'm still resisting creating anything for it, I did a face study yesterday for Dani and Jamie to see if I finally pick up the idea and just do it but my brain was still like "I don't want to do this rn" and was just being a little bitch about it so I'll just let it cook for longer see if we can reach an agreement eventually (if ever) haha.

Glad to hear you had a good weekend! Even if it left you feeling exhausted in the end. And yeah it makes sense for you to say you don't have favourites haha! Have a great week Colour, take care! 👋✨

Yeah me and my roommate have been friends since we were like 14 so when we went to Disney Land we asked if we could be roomed together because we've been best friends for that long now... been best friends since school and now we live together. She's seen me at my best, my worst, has seen me in all my stages in life and has been there for a lot of the rough stuff I've been through and I've been there for all the stuff she's been through!! Nah she didn't mind at all we had some moments where me and my ex would just go and be a couple and have dates but my ex didn't want me travelling that far alone so invited my roommate too because she didn't like the thought of me flying 11hours alone or being in airports alone so my roommate came with me and we had a great time Awwh good I'm glad it was such a nice place and that you didn't worry about violence all the time but I'm so sorry you ever had to worry about that anyway that can't be easy. I would honestly love to live in Canada I really hope I get chance one day... I'm glad you're loving Portugal but sorry people are judgemental there but I am glad it's easy for you to travel around to other places... oh yeah every place has it's pros and cons I mean England has some pros but it sure has a lot of cons too so I know all about that Yeah America is SO big but I do want to get around all 50 states at some point and I am stubborn enough and determined enough to make it happen eventually even if I don't get around them all until I'm like 70 I'll make it happen haha!! No I haven't read that fic but it sounds amazing so I'll definitely check it out thank you for sending me the link Yeah... that really happened to me and it was just a dumb moment where I had this momentary lapse of knowledge in my brain and now I look back at that question and I'm just like... "you idiot" and this is why people are shocked when I get questions in quizzes right because I have said some really dumb stuff but I'm glad people found it funny and endearing... and I'm glad it makes it better to know I really said that haha Oooo I didn't know that, I like that and I think it's definitely fitting for me!! I think from what you've said about what ENFP-T means Dani could easily be that too and I don't know anything about the other one but I will take your word for it matching Dani because you know way more about this stuff than I do. I have no idea for Jamie though. And with zodiac signs I love that Amelia looked at Jamie and thought she was an Aries, as for Dani I have NO idea what her zodiac would be... in CBML she's a Leo but in MoU with what I have planned for her birthday she'd be a virgo but I don't know anything about zodiacs... all I know is all the pieces I've ever met have been the opposite of what Dani is so maybe that has something to do with their whole charts but I know a lot of other people always make her a Pieces and I trust what other people say about zodiacs more than what I know about them because I really know NOTHING about them haha Nah I knew it was a road sign because of how heavy and hard it was- nah we have no bears where I live... I don't think we have many dangerous animals where I live... got a couple of badgers that can be pretty aggressive but that's about it we don't have much that is scary here or at least not in the little part of England I live. Having life threatening health issues has been hard and since having my spleen removed in January (that was the surgery I needed to try and fix the issue I had) things are even harder now because I have to take antibiotics for the rest of my life to stop me getting any infections because if I ever get a chest infection now or a really bad cold it can be really dangerous but I take it all in my stride and not drinking is just a way to make sure the antibiotics actually work properly and to make sure nothing happens to me... and like you said, means I don't do anything dumb too... haha drunken stories are the best I have been lost a few times when I've been drunk... and I don't think you do learn, I have siblings that are

like 40 and still do dumb shit... I know at 27 I am still doing dumb shit too I don't think I'll ever learn haha 😂 Its such an emotional roller coaster and honestly I was just devastated the first time I watched it... no TV show or movie has ever made me cry the way Bly Manor did when I first saw it and it still makes me cry now. I can cry just thinking about that last episode. I definitely mean it in a friendly way so I hope it comes across like that. Yeah the accent in Billy Elliot is a Geordie accent and its my favourite accent there are other accents around the north that are called different things. Yeah Lancashire is a county and again in Lancashire there are loads of different accents I can't really pinpoint Jamie's down to a city I just know it's Northern. I'm from Yorkshire but don't have a strong Yorkshire accent I just have a Northern accent, like people never believe I'm from the place I'm from because I don't sound like I am but you can definitely tell I'm northern... honestly there are so many accents in England... you can drive for two hours in any direction in England and the accent will change like two times at least it's insane... see a lot of people say that but I am not a HUGE fan of the northern accent and I think it's because I grew up there. I much prefer Dani's accent to Jamie's but like I said to me, Jamie just talks normal there is no accent really haha Yeah 4k words for it but it's all jumbled up it's not like a chronological story yet it's just all over the place haha but I hope I can get it all structured properly soon!! Awwh good I'm glad you're already interested in this medieval AU!! That makes sense you're resisting creating for it but I think it's so cool you did a face study for Dani and Jamie even if you didn't wanna finish it I think letting things cook for a while is always a good idea if you're not in the right headspace right away I had such a good weekend but I am so tired and today I had a busy day too celebrating my roommate's boyfriend's birthday so I've had so many days that have been so busy and right now I am just really to sleep haha!! Yeah definitely don't have favourites but I have spent more time with one of my nieces than the others simply because I always look after her if her mum and dad are working and I'm not... like until I start this new job I am looking after her for an hour every day after school while she waits for her mum and dad to finish work but I don't have favourites haha!! Thank you so much I hope you had a great weekend and that you have a great week too!!

[novoplata]

Updates.

I haven't been writing in this blog properly in the past couple of months, but I've been busy for sure. I guess, with May coming to an end soon and the second half of 2021 greeting us soon, it's high time to come up with another entry entitled 'updates'. Here goes: Stretch and roll. I've been living a pretty active lifestyle in the past 10 years or so (with the exception of quarantine season 2020 during which, I'd gained 12kg), and although I've always been aware of the importance of stretching and warming up sufficiently, I've never really practiced it -- until last week when I was hit with a case of patellar tendonitis. I've injured by knees every now and then throughout my years playing soccer, running and grappling, but I must be reminded that those injuries had happened when I was significantly younger. I remember getting a swollen knee after doing LSD runs two days in a row. I would rest the next day and proceed to run my fastest 10k race ever the following day with no issues. Today, I can't be half as careless with my joints. My knee currently has been tight and swollen for over a week now. It had momentarily felt better after I'd taken the weekend off to rest, only to return with a vengeance following a high-impact WOD on Monday.

This episode of knee injury smacked me with the reality that recovery is a going to be A LOT slower as an older athlete. I used to get away with skipping stretching and warmups; looks like that's no longer the case. Oh well. I now bring my foam roller to work, in case I need to roll away that creeping tightness in between meetings. Growing older takes a little bit of getting used to, obviously. Work. I landed another project last week, yay! It was actually supposed to be an interview for the post of Corporate Communication Manager, but I was later told by HR that they aren't looking to pay as much as my current salary. In the end, we mutually agreed that freelance is good enough. With three projects currently in the pipeline, I'm back in the 'grace' season in which, if it isn't for grace, I would've crumbled under stress already. In the previous years, this was also the same season that would mark me dropping out of my fitness routine. Not gonna happen this year. Prioritise. I have the tendency of overdoing things I like, like work and exercise. In the past six weeks or so, I've been doing double training days on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, plus the regular CrossFit WODs the remaining days of the week. For a while, I thought my protein supplement and close-to-on point diet would let me get away with it. Nope, nope, nope. Now, injured knee in tow, I'm forced to prioritise my bodybuilding training, as I'm expected to go on stage in August. All these while, I had been reluctant to skip my CrossFit classes because I've been making good strength progress in the past couple of months. I was afraid that missing a couple of classes a week will hinder my progress, or worse, take away from it. Now, I know that I just can't be greedy with progress. I will need to prioritise what matters most at this moment and catch up on my strength gains after my physique comp. Besides, it's better to do well doing one thing at a time rather than juggling two things at once mediocrely. Do what you can. Regardless of my little injury, I still insist on doing some movements modified (ahem, scaled) as opposed to skipping the entire workout. Today's SWOD was a barbell complex of a squat snatch + hang squat snatch + overhead squat. As I'm currently unable to squat below parallel, I ended up doing the complex with one power snatch and two hang power snatches. Surprisingly, I still managed to lift 37kg for a 3RM power snatch, which is not too far from my last squat snatch PR of 38.5kg. The last time I tried power snatching 37kg was two months ago and I remembered it feeling so heavy and difficult. In fact, I'd only managed to lift it once and failed the next few attempts. Today, the 3-rep complex felt fairly easy. The movement was almost a strict, muscle snatch with minimal jumping. Can't wait to try for a PR once my knee is healthier! I must still be getting stronger.