#this years really special to me because i didnt think i'd actually live to see this

[butchdykekondraki]

2024 yippie

[devouringcalamity]

For the record: I didnt stalk anyone. I hadnt thought of him in years before I decided to try and find out what he was up to these days. Lying to me repeatedly about how special to you I'd be and how all I needed to do was cut your name was coercive when you were trying to prey on the fact I got attached. But honestly I don't blame you for that. I blame you for acting like either of you are fucking victimized by me briefly entering your lives. I didnt manipulate your gf into doing anything. I didnt fucking sexually abuse her good fucking lord. If thats what I did then imagine what you fucking actually lying and coercing me into harming myself for you to get a kick from is, especially in the context of preying on my attachment to you, its just more fucking abuse. But no, sending anonymous messages to see how she'd react is not, in fact, abusive. Especially considering I told her and stopped after. No i didn't send messages for years. No didnt do half the shit I even said I did because despite the fact I seem real easy for falling for your fucking extremely obvious (to the point I labeled each fucking obviously guilt trippy manipulative message, because it was so obvious it made you look like you were doing it on purpose to be hot or whayever or that you were fucking stupid) despite the fact I went along with it, I'm not fucking stupid. I know you loved thinking I was an evil evil girl, oh no I did sooo many bad things. And you, of course, got off on it. Especially because you told me from the start you had a fucking philia for criminals and paraphilic offenders. So I embellished things that were misunderstandings into assault so you'd, one, feel bad for me and tell me its okay, two, so you'd think I trusted you, and three, because for a whils there you got off on it. So unfortunately no, I'm not a rapist or a pedo or whatever other awful things you said. No I never intended to let you replace my bf, for days I've been letting him know every lie that I tell you so he can laugh as I paint him as some offending pedophilic abusive monster. Its funny, cause its such an easy lie. Cause you cant ever ask for proof. So, unfortunately, I don't have the shit you think I do, and I didn't do what I said. Sorry to spoil the fun. But it serves you right. I never did get any money or real good attention from you so it wasnt too worth it. But all I lost was what, a random BPD attachment I knew was unhealthy? I mean I hoped maybe you'd go back to giving me the attention you gave me before, but oh well! No great loss. So to summarize. No I didnt do the shit youre accusing me of, yes you're an abusive manipulator, yes I lied to you to seem even worse to make you take control, yes you failed to even do that in a way I wanted, yes you failed to get revenge, and yes I will leave you both the fuck alone. This was profoundly unfun once you decided to be a fucking freak about me telling your gf you were a bad partner because you were almost bragging about how she'd stay with you no matter what abuse you put her through. Oh and blocking you in a BPD moment. So after that, I really did lose attachment. And you failed to actually make it fun for me. So why the fuck must you always pretend youre the victim, when this all started with your actions hurting your gf, and me implying you were in the wrong. So sorry. So sorry I told her you cheated and were a pedo, even though you thanked me. So sorry that made it okay to coerce and abuse me. So sorry I tried to see if she'd be more interesting. So sorry I lied about being a rapist and a pedo to make you hard and to get you to consistently reassure me and tell me how good of a person I am and how you're just as bad. Sorry that me trying to tell your gf about your abuse was enough to warrant you blowing up our friendship and then deciding to plot out my suicide and to ruin my life. Sorry I believed you when you said I was special and you just meant it in a pseudo intimate relationship way, and trusted youd changed. But yes I'll leave you the fuck alone. Remember this all happened because of your actions.

Considering you deleted all the incriminating messages i cant show more concrete “proof” of your degeneracy; but theres no reason for you to be scared ill report you if all your little pedophilic offences are fake.

The sexual abuse you did was coercion under the basis of withholding information, its also just freak behaviour in general.

Anyways, you cut deep enough to get a scar and thats really all i wanted, its more sad you did it, despite being “so aware” of what im doing.

[jealousmartini]

HAPPY MARCH🥳

`☆ ⋆ ｡ It's the beginning of a new month! ｡ ꕤ~ .

Quick confession. I didn't start the year the way I promised myself I would as a master manifester, a shifter and an art studentin college😭 plus today's the last day of my 2nd project and I will just say.. I didn't prioritise my time as well as I should have. So I'm not gonna let myself cry over wasted time along side incomplete work and lock in🤞🏽

But anyway I want to share my plan for this month. I am going to keep on top of:

☆ Journaling, Scripting and Vaulting

In my introduction, I said I would introduce myself as I would in my better current reality and really embody my drself. I'll be honest, the closest I have been to embodying my drself was daydreaming being my drself🧍🏿‍♀️ So I want to change that once and for all. I am sick of wishing I was her instead of realising I literally am her ffs.

So, I think vaulting as I am my drself and tracking my manifestation journey is an awesome way for successful embodiment. Because essentially when I am vaulting about my (dr)self, I am just affirming to myself about who I am by saying "I am this" or "I love having that" or maybe "my blah blah blah is so cute" and "I am so grateful that xyz".

☆ Practicing entering the void

Okay so I already understand that the void is nothing special (to me at least). The only reason why people think its special is because of the fact that you instantly recieve your desires once youve affirmed them when in the void (please for the love of god dont think you cant manifest instantly outside of the void. It is just a tool). It is literally just a deep meditative state. You are literally just meditating. It's the stillness state. The state of just being. Your I am-ness. So now that I have taken the void off the pedestal, I feel like I can enter the void anytime I try now and I will this march.

☆ Persistance/Loyalty to the new story

Something I've struggled with is persistance to my manifestations simply because of what I see in the 3D. Even when i've persistantly affirmed to myself for something not to happen or to get something, sometimes the opposit happens and I'll get what i didnt want.. but im content with it because it actually turned out alright, and I'll just settle for that. But whats really interesting is that Ive learned to always stay neutral to it anyway. I understand that nothing in the 3D has any meaning whatsoever. The the 3D is neutral and circumstances literally don't matter. Only I have power of the 3D and nothing in the 3D can have power unless I let it. And this applies to who i choose to identify as. Do i identify as someone who doesnt quite have everything she wants or do i identify as someone with everything i could ever want. So usually if I see something i don't like I'll just shake it off. Which brings me to

☆ Revision

Ive been in the loa community for 5 years and I learnt about revision 2 years ago through a revise your past subliminal. I didn't even know you could actually rewrite your past so this kind of opened me to really understanding the law of assumption applies to everything.

Since then I've been using revision subliminals here and there to revise certain scenarios and whatever, but I haven't really been using revision to its true potential. As I have learnt I can change the past, I will be vaulting/scripting my desired past through different eras of my life that I've already lived. So stuff like what highschool I went to and how I did in it, erasing unfavourable moments and replacing them with something better suited to me to align myself with my actual (dr)self

☆ Using general blanket affirmations and making specific affirmations that resonate with me to rewire my mindset and self concept

I already do this but 1. I don't do it as much as I'd like to and 2. I am altering the way I think about myself and everything in general. So I guess the way I used to affirm kind of felt robotic, forced and fake. So I figured I will use the generalised blanket affirmations I actually like to use and not the ones I'm told to use that I don't connect with, as well as make my own affirmations personalised to what I identify as and embody. This brings me to my next topic.

☆ Subliminals

Okay so I saw this post from another loa blogger talking about subliminals and they said that changing the reason why you use subliminals can really improve your manifestation journey. So instead of using subliminals to get something, use them to remind yourself you already have it. Use them to help you persist in in the fact that you are the version of yourself who HAS 1 million pounds or that you HAVE your dream life. Use them to REMIND yourself, you are already the version of you who has it. This goes for ANY and ALL subliminals by the way. Use your desired subliminals to repeat back what you identify as guys!

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ────── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──────

MARCH IS MINE YOU GUYS DONT EVEN UNDERSTAND

Anyways Ciao!!😘

Im so shy to tag but wtv!: @urimaginarygirlfriend @realistically-shifting @4ellieluv @faeriemarie

[sagemoderocklee]

Writers Truth & Dare Ask Game

🍄 🍬 ❄️ 🏜️ 🦴

🍄 ⇢ share a head canon for one of your favourite ships or pairings

got a lot of headcanon asks today in my inbox lol... uh for this ill go with my headcanon about Tenten not being without family since ive got two asks for that levels thing i reblogged earlier to answer

so my hc and how i usually approach Tenten is that she comes from a weapon smithing clan. Her clan originally came from Dragon Kingdom, but like... so, so long ago. like a thousand years ago. they were originally trading in what is now Fire, and eventually some started to settle instead of going back to Dragon Kingdom. They established themselves as blacksmiths and as times changed, became weapon makers almost exclusively. Her clan still makes other things besides weapons, but they specialize in weapon making.

Tenten lives with her grandmother since her parents died during Obito's assault on Konoha with the kyuubi. Tenten's clan lives in the industrial district of Konoha, and Neji (who is alive thank you) moves there after he and Tenten have been dating for a bit.

Tenten, of course, prioritizes fighting with weapons, but she also is a good smith herself, and does a lot of unique work with weapons.

I gave Tenten's clan a name, of course, so her family/clan name is Nie, which means 'pattern of a sword blade'.

🍬 ⇢ post an unpopular opinion about a popular fandom character

drawing a blank beyond all my usual things like gaara being obsessed with naruto being stupid or like the way ppl generally approach Gaara is ableist and disregards his history prior to Yashamaru tryna kill him or lee not being anbu/akatsuki/hokage etc and also ppl making lee sexy is stupid like he's weird looking and thats fine and i think his weird looks are charming and cute... all of which ive talked about before

um i guess ill say that sakura being self-centered is actually a really important and interesting character trait. it doesn't make her an awful, irredeemable character, it's just a character flaw and i think ppl who love her tend to ignore that about her because the people who absolutely hate her are always callin her a bitch etc. like i love sakura but she can be a bitch and i think that's interesting and okay and like if you really like a character you can lean into their flaws without that being like a condemnation of the character. she doesn't have to be like sunshine and daisies to be a good character

❄️ ⇢ what's your dream theme/plot for a fic, and who would write it best?

the dream theme/plot for a fic is one i'd probably just write myself. not like for any reason other than if i have an idea i usually wanna execute it myself, and at this point a lot of my ideas exist within the worldbuilding ive done and not that other ppl dont or cant but my interest are always gonna lean more into the political spectrum of storytelling and i think that's generally my niche and not as many ppl write those stories.

i think if there was absolutely something i didnt wanna write id honestly probably not wanna read it either, so im always like shit at answer these kinda questions cause once i have an idea im like 'ok ill write that someday'

🏜️ ⇢ what's your favourite type of comment to receive on your work?

always gonna love long comments that talk about the themes of the story, that bring up things the reader thinks is foreshadowing, direct lines from the fic, and so on. i like when ppl are like rlly analyzing what ive written and telling me their thoughts and what they think is gonna happen. i think by far my fave thing is ppl tryna guess what's coming and seeing how close or how far off they are, and when ppl do pick up on foreshadowing that is just... chef's kiss.

🦴 ⇢ is there a piece of media that inspires your writing?

i find inspiration in a lot of things and it rlly is gonna depend on what im writing at the time. sometimes i get inspired by music (a lot of my gaalee fics were originally inspired by Florence+the Machine song for instance), sometimes it's like a poem or a book, or a tv show, but it rlly is always gonna depend on what im writing.

but my perspective is that art begets art. art is always in a state of inspiring more art, whether its the originating artist being inspired by their own work or another being inspired by their work, i think art is at its core always birthing more art.

with fic i dont think i could pinpoint one single thing that's inspiring me at any given moment, but i am often being inspired by other things whether it's music or just like an article about something.

[gutsfics]

pls tell me all about devi before the events of ilitw!! what kind of activities did he do? who were some of his friends? did he still talk to any of the people from his childhood friend group? if so, who? etc. etc. anything else you want to share!!

ok this is gonna kinda jump around a bit bc thats how my thoughts are rn :3 i love this ask though thank u for letting me talk about my special guy

so after Jane's death, he did try his best to hang onto the friend group for a while (especially Noah) but due to not having a very good therapist, his kid logic made him think "thinking about Jane makes me sad, and not thinking about her i can be happy, but i'd rather think about her and be sad forever than evetually move on and forget" so he kinda shut himself off from everyone so he could hold his memory of her forever

his parents tried their best to help him but the therapists they took him too didnt believe him when he told them about Mr Red (or when they did believe him, they only believed him if they were reading lines that weren't there and assuming that Mr Red was a real living guy in the woods and jumping to conclusions about it) so maybe like a month or two after Jane died he just... stopped talking, bc what was the point of speaking if no one was going to listen? and then he stopped talking to anyone ever until half way through his freshman year of highschool when he told Cody to "gargle my cock and balls"

because of Devi being mute for all that time, he didn't really have any friends (which he was fine with for reasons stated earlier) & a lot of people found him kinda weird and offputting for the most part, especially when he got really into expressing himself through art, specifically photography. a lot of "ew that weird quiet kid is taking pictures of things again what a creep" but for the most part he just shrugged it off

Cody used to think he was kinda cool bc he was quiet and goth and in 6th grade asked him to the fall formal but Devi turned him down and that's when he started bullying him. he tried to turn it into a "HAH WELL OBVIOUSLY NO ONE WOULD WANT TO GO OUT WITH YOU YOU CREEP WEIRDO YOURE STUPID TO THINKING I WANTED TO GO WITH YOU" which somehow worked on everyone around them despite the fact Devi turned him down

after he started talking again, he joined the yearbook club & got really good at the composition of pictures of people & formatting them on the pages, but bc he was still a bit of a loner at this point no one else in the club realized just how much he did? especially after the older kids in the club graduated, bc they were the ones encouraging him and teaching him how to do the formatting and stuff. ive actually been rotating a fic in my head where post ilitw Lucas goes to the yearbook club to see how theyre doing bc its almost time to get em printed and its like. not even half done and also theres a memorial page for Cody but not for Devi????

in Sophmore year he took a Japanese class for an easy foreign language credit, which Tom was also in for the same reasons and they became friends :3 not as close as Tom and Andy at this point, but they'd hang out at lunch when Andy was busy and sometimes go to eachother's houses after school. but after that year the teacher for the class made sure to put them in different periods bc they would kinda. make fun of him a little bit in japanese bc he was a white guy who thought he was way better at the language than he actually was and that made him big mad

of the original group, he was probably closest with Lily when he started talking again. and then not as close w Ava and Andy but he talked w them fairly often. Lucas, Stacy, and Dan he really only saw when he was doing yearbook stuff, w that conversation he had w Dan junior year being the longest conversation he'd had w any of those three in a while (all three 100% knew he was the backbone of yearbook btw. & when people were being like "ew that weirdo goth kid w the camera is here again" they were the ones to be like "ITS FOR YEARBOOK, ASSHOLES.")

he and Noah avoided each other as much as possible. sitting next to Noah during that assembly the first day of senior year was the first time in years that one of them didn't immedeatly turn around and walk out of the room upon seeing the other in it (they lowkey had each other's scheduals memorized to better avoid each other) (for the most part Any picture of Noah that might show up in the yearbooks were not taken by Devi) (although. ngl. Devi did take a few candid photos of Noah occasionally. which he promptly would delete bc he felt bad about it. a little bc he and Noah hadnt talked in forever but mostly bc he felt like "creep weirdo with a camera" was an accurate description of him when he did that)

[corvidshipping]

6, 8, & 13 ~ rebeccaselfships

hiii i definitely didnt forget i reblogged this ask game entirely hahaha

talk about any special/memorable moments you had with your F/O(s) this year! Which stood out to you the most?

i'd say probably the BIGGEST moment so far was my engagement to jes... the wedding to whom i still have not planned not because i started getting executive dysfunction for directly after finishing the playlist and before drawing any wedding art hey let's just say we're enjoying our engagement ok? also. also the jes letter that one anon sent me. i think about that like 2x a day probably. there were a lot of special moments though!!

in which ways did your F/O(s)/selfshipping help you this year?

selfshipping has helped me SOOO much since i started in that it's basically tricking ur brain into self love i mean think abt it... these little guys we love so much, everything we imagine them saying to us and doing for us and all the love we imagine them giving us is coming from us... and also at least in my experience, so many of the characters i love so deeply i love because there is something in them (and it can be either a talent or a shortcoming) that i see reflecting myself, self recognition through the other yadda yadda you know. and also being in the community in general has helped me reach out to people thru a common interest i would neeeever have had the social skill to talk to otherwise, which is nice :-) and i love learning about other ppls f/os even (especially!!!) when theyre from smth i have NO clue about so thats nice. but a specific moment i think is when i developed my lil crush and decided to f/o eddie when i was sick/quarantining with covid. isolating like that was actually a huge toll on my mental health, i'm a person who loves solitude and privacy in large amounts but forced solitude is really something else. WAY too much time alone with my thoughts, not being able to really do anything but watch youtube videos and draw to take my mind off it, not to mention i was in a pretty big fight with my irl bestie at the time and that was... not great for my mind to keep going back to while isolated in my room. i really do think the 2 people that got me through it were my sister (who kept me company digitally from the living room the entire time!!) and eds.

if you’ve had any F/O(s) for longer a year, did you find out anything new and surprising about them this year? Did this change your relationship change in any way?

hmmm probably cliffie is the first example that comes to mind, there was so much character development in the past ... 2 seasons i think? that came out this past year. we learned so much more abt how his mind works and his insecurities and i think it only made me love him more. poor guy is so flawed but hes trying soo hard and he loves his family soooo much and he wants to fix what hes done :( love him.

ty so much for sending rebecca!!!! i hope you had a good new year's with mirko and hawks and umbreon!!! feel free to send me anything u got to do to celebrate if you want! :o)

end of the year ask game!! send anything u want. send unrelated things. send f/o gush. send memes. send me YOUR answers to prompts idc.

[thewaywardbruja]

~ Witchy Update! ~

Hey guys!

I just want to start by saying welcome to my crazy, all of my new followers! Haha. I'm active mostly on my twitter, @/ThreeWitchy as well, but I do try and stay active here.

I'm doing okay, just been focusing on my witchcraft, and moving forward with my journey. I have been doing tarot, and other forms of divination and White and I are getting closer, and closer by the day. I love talking to her. Shes so playful, and loving, and we have gotten so close, I even asked her if she trusts me completely now, since it had been so long since we had spoken and she said a very powerful "Yes" - It made my heart warm.

I also talked to her about Austell, and she confirmed what I already believed, that she is my familiar, and that she chose her for me, and that White has known Austell in all of her lives. That made my heart happy. To know that Austell has known White that long, felt so special. <3 Its rare - and I treasure it. <3

I have really enjoyed doing small spells, and focusing on my craft.

I started College last week! I am so excited to do what it takes to get what I need to join the Police in 2 years. I am taking a Fundamentals Math Class ( As I didnt meet the requirements for the Math GCSE - ie I AM TERRIBLE AT MATH ) and the English GCSE. And I think today I finally get my College ID. :D

I am so happy I applied myself to go to college and do something positive with my life. Its what I need to make my dreams come true, and even if its not happening in the time I wanted to, its happening the way its supposed to. <3

Its giving me time to focus on my witchcraft, and my job. I left my last job on Friday, and am starting a new one later in the week! I am so excited. Its the job I've wanted, even though its still retail, its at a better place to work. Full-time jobs are extremely hard to come by in the UK right now. So working 20 hours is pretty good. Its higher than what I was working before. :D

Baby steps, I'll get there <3

As for my Witchcraft, I'm doing well, my mentor / adopted sister is always helping and giving me advice, and giving me the freedom to be who I am meant to be. My husband is actually getting involved now, doing cleanses and other things, which feels so special <3 I found a discord group, and am a moderator on there, and am getting a lot of support from them. Its been such a fun journey thus far. I am really enjoying sharing my journey, my ups and downs, and as a beginner I hope that I can help other beginners have the confidence to keep going when things feel rough. I love every aspect of my craft, and what I am developing. Its 6 months this month since I started practicing and I wouldnt change it for anything. Its been so eye opening and I am finally finding who I am through it, and it feels amazing. My identity, through my witchcraft is just <3 I'm really stepping into my own and it feels amazing. I'm finally finding who I am. Finally putting my past behind me, and it feels amazing. Thats not to say I dont have triggers, or my CPTSD has just disappeared, it hasnt. But I am so glad for how far I've come <3 I cant wait to see what life has planned for me in all aspects of this! <3

My plan for tomorrow is to start early in the morning and just whip out all of my tarot posts. I think once I get all those uploaded with or without photos then I will be able to feel a lot more comfortable posting on here. I just feel like everything is out of whack now and out of time. And I hate when that happens. I've been doing a lot of Tarot readings, and then there was a period of time when I stopped because of stuff going on IRL so I'd like to record all of those things down here. Just so theres a safe place for my readings as well in case something happens to one of my journals. I found out that White is now communicating with me through The Light-Seer's deck as well as the Familiars deck, so its been fun using both of those, but they both have separate journals to accompany them.

So yeah, thats where I am at now. I am working hard to get things back on track online and keep track of things, and I hope you'll join me on this journey <3

Blessed Be ~

And have a great day <3

-

[binkszamsstuff]

Captain fuck a slut

Summary: steve must chose between the what he wants and what he is told he needs.

Steve Roger's x shy reader

Warnings: there really none but some agnst. This is comedy. Lol

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

You sat there playing with a ball of blue electricity in yous hands, the blue ball crackled and popped as you tossed it back and forth in your hands. The anger built towers of sorrow and fury in your head and heart.

When you first woke up this morning you had smile on your face, a spring in your step the happy and playful mood snapped in half when you walked into the living room to see sharon sitting on Steve's lap making out. it was like a painful slap in your face, the months of you and steve flirting, hand holding cuddles on the couch, launch and dinner dates all gone. You were quiet and shy not a lot if people could get you out of your shell but once you let them in you laughed and talked, spent time and showed your love.

You've been an avenger for two years now all of them comfortable with you and you with them. They made you feel heard and loved, you where no longer the shy quite girl around them. Specially steve.

you and steve kissed just last week it was like fireworks set off in you like you were in a teenage movie. But you liked that steve made you feel like that, yoing love that never dies. But it did, it died before it actually ever lived, you marched right past them a glum look on your face. Anger and heartbreak made home where the love once lived 'I thought he liked me?'

You questioned to yourself, whe. Sharon pulled away fro. Steve her eyes met yours, her lips pulled onto a smug smirk. There you sat at the breakfast nook watching the man you had fallen in love with kiss and rub up against another.

"hey baby, I was thinking about going to that little theater" your eyes went wide, you knew that little theater all too well. Yet our grandparents used to take you to se movies. When Steve got out of the ice you showed it to him. It was your safe, the place was sentimental, the place that held many childhood dreams and memories. The place that you trusted steve with, he knew why it was your favorite and how much it meant to you.

You also knew that she was just trying to make you upset and shit it was working. "No, let's not go" said steve, he knew that her saying that cut you deep. That you trusted him with that place and Vulnerability, you let him in and he just booted you out. "Please steve it's my favorite!" You scoffed "what? Do you have a problem y/n" you usually didnt make a scene but now a fucking film was coming their way. The team snapped their heads in your direction, bucky giving a 'this bitch' look at sharon. "You know what I do have a problem, the problem is your Entitlement to everyone and everything. Just because you aunt was a badass and a hard worker doesn't make you one! You think you have the right, that you work so hard. WELL NEWS FLASH! Your a selfish second generation nepotism baby who needs grow the fuck up! You dusty whore. You suck! Your the lowest rancking agent here literally the only reason why you haven't been fired is because we all take pity on you. You shoot a gun like your in a carnival game, no aim what so ever."

Bucky was the first person to laugh. Then the rest of the team letting out ohhhs and uh's as you let the brat know how she really was.

"You selfish, dumpster diving bitch with an ugly ass attitude. Who the fuck are you flash Gordon." You turned on your heel to walk out but stopped half way "nice jod steve, EVERYONE I'd like to present to you captain fuck a slut."

Everyone etheir burst out in laughter the other half eyes went wide. Bucky was laughing like he had just watched a comedy "woop YAY! yeah thats my doll" bucky laughed while clapping.

5 months later

Steve is an ass but bucky has a better one. Sharon and steve broke up 2 months after that he begged you to be with him and that he loved you. That sharon was a mistake that he should have chose you. But know your dating bucky and life without steve is better.

[doctorguilty]

today's reason for crying over loving my s/o was

inviting them to go to the beach in Jersey with my family since them visiting again will overlap with that but being nervous because I brought an ex s/o one (1) time and it was the worst trip I ever had because that person was just so bored out of their mind because I guess it just was NOT exciting enough for someone who routinely goes to like seaworld and disneyland like money grows on trees and it made me feel like completely garbage because nothing I did was entertaining enough, like sorry for growing up poor and this is what I got to do once a year and it's special to me

but Gloomy reassured me that is not acceptable behavior and they would be very happy to go with me and just have a chill relaxing time because they're like me who doesn't want to need to do a million things to have fun on a vacation.. they've also never been to a boardwalk before ever or like a coastal beach iirc cause they live in quebec like down near like Montreal-ish so it's like. less traveling jsut going to the states and visit lakes ..... and they haven't seen like wild crabs or barnacles which is so like !!!!! I love wildlife and I kinda nerded out about how on iNaturalist there isn't a lot of documentations of things in the area we go to so there's so many things I want to find and take pictures up to upload cause like. that site truly is pokemon go but better to me and I talked about how I've dug up clams before and they were like, excited to see a clam and I started getting really emotional and I was like, you'd really enjoy doing all that stuff with me??? you'd genuinely enjoy looking at clams together? and they were like yes ;-; and I started crying because it's so like. idek how to put it into words it just really feels like I'm being loved for who I am and someone TRULY wants to be with the person I am like. being excited to be shown a clam ... It think back to all the people in my life from childhood to adult hood I'd enthusiastically hold my hands out to show worms and bugs and whatever and people are like "ok seth I see it yeah cool okay" like the things that make me happy are very trivial to other people, which kinda ties right back into the stuff abt the aforementioned ex like......... it really shattered my perspective at the time like I remember sobbing on the rooftop lounge of my hotel looking out at the ocean in the night and being like, this is all pointless isn't it? everything I love is insignificant.. I'm insignificant..

I didnt think I'd open my heart again to bringing another person ever again because I never wanted to face that feeling again but I feel differently this time ....... someone really, actually loves me. it just makes me cry

[honeybeekao]

DUDE i didnt know you liked musicals! For a good 3-4 years this was a theatre blog so im always excited to hear the newer mutuals i followed for anime reasons are also into musicals. What are your top 5 favorites?

i think enstars has a connection to musical theatre. just a theory *staring at my mutuals*

MY TOP 5???? thats hard i love so manyyy aough okay Okay . how to order this..

1. newsies

it being my first full show to be in makes it really special for me. like not only did i learn So much, it was my one escape from my troubling situation so i associate it with home kinda. the stage at the time felt more welcome than anywhere else as a 15 yr old.

i loooove the music.....i will sing the entire soundtrack and ruin my voice idc it has no skips (the bottom line is fun! it reminds me of sweeney todd HSUDKFHJ)

plus, it's like So fucking funny. newsies humor gets me

2. be more chill

yeah okay so bmc used to be my favorite, like i'd vowed to call it my favorite forever because i was So attached. and i still love it. totally kinned jeremy in middle school i literally got a blue cardigan to dress like him (and the gender envy for will connolly was my life for a year) MY BMC ERA WAS SO. god, i got my MOM into it. i'm very normal about my interests.

the humor in it also really gets me, and bmc gives me the same nostalgia feelings as newsies.. it's like, oh god you are So familiar and precious to me! augh!

3. the lightning thief musical

george salazar did bring me here, you're right. (bmc is the reason im here is how influential i think it was on me tbh)

i looove the lightning thief novel and the musical is sooo percy is painfully relatable. good kid hits me like a fucking truck i love that song.

THE MUSIC OF TLF IS JUST. IT FEELS LIKE HOME. not because of nostalgia (also because of nostalgia) but! it's like, inner child ig. i used to listen to the soundtrack when volunteering at an animal shelter. so i associate it with summer. and also Ough. just OUGH!!!!! yknow???? i wanna see the lightning thief musical live So badly

4. les miserables

hehehe hello saddest fucking thing i was in! les mis is brilliant, i LOVE watching the anniversary performances! (we dont talk about the movie) it's just so. so so heavy and depressing but the score is beautiful and the story hurts And i got to die on stage which was my favorite part. my favorite song is Look Down just because i had such a RAD solo in it. i got to walk/run through the audience singing and jumped onstage.

5. how do i piiiick augh okay Here im just gonna list the rest that i like because i cannot choose a 5th favorite

-six

-heathers

-into the woods

-book of mormon

-mean girls

-come from away

-rent

-guys and dolls

-little shop of horrors

(i sorta know spring awakening and falsettos, but ive yet to Actually delve into them. ive been meaning to for yearsss)

afhfhg musicals <333

[kornito]

SOURCE: https://korngiant.tripod.com/kornisgoodforu/id10.html

Dead

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

All I want in life is to be happy", it's that simple. People say that it's become their own anthem. It's like whenever I start to feel good, something comes and takes it away and I feel like I'm nothing again, like I'm dead.

Falling Away From Me

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

The song is about domestic abuse and that there ways to get help whether it's telling someone or calling a help line, there are ways to get out of those situations. Noone has to be treated like that.

Trash

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

"Trash" is about how I threw my world and everything out. I threw her away. I threw my old self away. It basically comes back down to the sex thing. The battles I did on the road, this whole album is what I went through because I was on the road and I went crazy.

Beg for Me

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

"Beg For Me" is more of an angry thing because the whole thing for "Beg For Me" is the crowd. The only time I was good on tour was when I walked up onstage and that's what the song is about. Feeling wanted is something one thing I've always needed. I was shuffled around so much when I was a kid...Being up onstage was the only point was the only time when my anxiety would go away for an hour.

Make Me Bad

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

I need to feel the sickness in you" ... It's spawned from f**kin', basically, from having sex. That's where that line comes from, but it means a whole bunch of things to me. "Make Me Bad" was about the battles I had being on the road, being married and being with other women. I'm not married anymore... beause of my lifestlyle, and I just couldnt do that to my wife anymore. So that ended. But does it make me bad that I have a dick and I have f**ken other feelings to be with other people? Why should I be with just one? It seems like human beings are genetically engineered to procreate. Thats what we do, f**k everything, and that's what our natural insides want to do. It is hard to find someone like that. But she was a good woman and I didnt want to keep on... I did the right thing, I was a man about it. It was better for me to tell her and let her go on with her life and find someone who could help her and be like that. So that song was spawned by that, does it make me bad to want to be with other women? In a sence it was my only drug, why... because I dont drink anymore, I cant drink. I've been sober for a year. I dont have any other vices. So at least doing that could be something.

Hey Daddy

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

"Hey Daddy" where I was schizophrenic and there were these voices telling me to do sh*t... To kill myself, basically. Daddy is one of my nicknames, so its like I'm talking to myself the whole time. It's hard to explain.

Dirty

Song Meaning: Jonathan

"I feel like a fucking whore to record companies." "You know how it is...the way we are used and marketed." "How they make all the money off us and we don't make shit!" "The only way we make money is to go out on tour and sell merchandise" "Basiclly we write all the music and turn in and they make all the money." "So I feel like that and also I feel like a slut cuz I'd go out at night and fucking girls and so I said fuck it, I'm going to do it. The only way to escape is to have sex." "Its all kind of different issues."

Its On!

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

It's On is my sh*t peer pressure song. Me being so stressed out going out and partying. Everybody's just going 'Come on dude, it's on.' That's partying, it's alcohol, cocaine, women. All that wrapped into one. I wrote a song about it. And the chorus I talked about Why am I really doing this? It's all my fault that I'm doing this because all the alcohol, the booze an the chicks do is just make it worse. They just rearrange all the problems in a different order that I can deal with at that moment.

Freak on a Leash

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

One of the best titles I've heard ever for a song. That's my song against the music industry. Like me feeling like I'm f**kin' a pimp, a prostitute. Like I'm paraded around. I'm this freak paraded around but I got corporate America f**kin' making all the money while it's taking a part of me. It's like they stole something from me, they stole my innocence and I'm not calm anymore. I worry constantly.

Got the Life

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

That's a song baggin' on myself. How everything's always handed to me. How I look up to God and don't want this anymore. Like I want something more out of life than all this. And I've got everything I really need but I sometimes don't like. I don't know how to explain it. I have to let it sit through the songs more to actually get into what I write. I truly know, really, the meanings of the songs almost. That's what I'm getting out of it right now.

Dead Bodies Everywhere

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

That was the song about my parents trying to keep me out of the music business. My father was in it and he knew how it was and I totally understand now that I have a son. I want Nathan to be a musician but I him don't want him to go through the hell I went through. That's the same thing my Dad was doing. A lot of people can relate to it, because it's like the Dad's wanting their sons to be football players and their sons want to be doctors or something. That peer pressure its like trying to make them something they're really not. And the Dead Bodies thing is like so I did it and all I got out of it was dead bodies everywhere and got all traumatized. Thanks a lot Dad, Mom.

Children of the Korn

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

That's the song that Ice Cube is on Cube came up with the title. I fed off of what he wrote, he was talking about growing up and puberty. Dictating what he can do, like how you gonna tell me how to live and who to f**k? And all this stuff. And I took that and in my stuff I was talking about being a kid always known as the f**kin' town faggot. It's funny how things change. That some of these people picked on me and all of a sudden look who's laughing now. Also in another of the verse I talked about all these parents f**kin hating me for what I do, saying I'm corrupting their children, but in turn these parents need to step outside of themselves and really listen to what I'm talking about. Then I think they can understand that they were kids before. They're just really quick to judge me. All the Children of The Korn are all our Korn fans. All those kids going through that sh*t and feeling what I feel.

B.B.K.

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Big black cock! That's what I call a jack and coke. Those little glasses they serve in Europe and everything. That's what I named it, big black cock. And that's another song about me dealing with the pressures of this album and how I, you know, I'm trying to kill myself, but you know? Do I really want to kill myself? Things I'm just questioning myself. Most of this is self-structured.

Pretty

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

It's a story about this little girl that came into the coroner's office when I was working there and she was f**ked by her dad. She was an 11 month old little baby girl. Her legs were broken back behind her and he just f**ked her like a toy doll and chucked her in the bathroom. It was the most heinous thing I've ever seen in my life and I still have nightmares about it.

All in the Family

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Fred was there after Korn TV and we said, 'Let's do a song together, Hey, man, let's go back and forth and rip on each other like an old school battle.' I don't know who's idea it was, I can't remember if it was mine or Fieldy's or Fred's but we came up with the idea and we started writing and we worked on it together. I came up with some bags on myself for Fred to say. It was all in good natured fun.

Reclaim My Place

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

This one is about the whole band and about all my life being called a homosexual. And then I became this big rock star in a band and I'm still called a fag even by my own band. So it's like I was f**kin' pissed off at them. It's like erase them all because I'm gonna reclaim my place and say hey, they owe a lot to me for what I did, and I owe a lot to them back. But, it still kinda sucks. I've never ever gotten away from that fag f**kin' title. Just because I'm a sensitive kinda guy. Kinda feminine it really sucks.

Justin

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Justin, that was the kid dying terminally with intestinal cancer. His last dying wish was to meet us and it really freaked me out. That threw a whole bunch of new kind of pressures on my head. That's really intense. Someone's gonna die and his last thing he wants to do is come hang out with us. So I truly just freaked out. It's like why would you want to meet me? What makes me so special? And in turn I talk about how I admire his strength and his life. I couldn't stare at him because he was so content he was gonna die. No one could look him in the eyes. And I totally admire his strength. I wish I had it.

Seed

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Seed. That's all about the same thing again. I laying in bed in my hotel room, thinking about do I really need all this stuff? All this pressure on me? Because I'm a stressed out freak. It's about Nathan, it's about every time that I look into his eyes, I see myself how I used to be, innocent and stress free. I'm kind of jealous of it. It really sucks, I used to be that way. It's like I have to work so hard at this thing in my life. I have to become a stressed out freak. I put food on the table for my child. Every time I look in his eyes, I just see myself staring right back at my @ss laughing. I was like care free, innocent as a child. It's really weird and I'm really jealous of it.

Cameltosis

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

That's a love song. It's about women in general, women who hurt me. It's Tre's lyrics. He's going on about chicks and my chorus is like I'm so scared to love anyone and really let them in after I got hurt really really bad by a girl. I've let Renee in a little bit, to be honest, but I'll never be that in love ever again. That's what I'm saying, if you've loved twice, you're gonna get f**ked, 'cause you usually do.

My Gift to You

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Renee always wanted me to write her a love song and that's why I called it My Gift To You. It's my gift to her, you know how I get sick. I always had a fantasy of f**king her and choking her to death. I fantasize about what it would look like me in her body and watching me do it. So it's like a really sick f**ked up song. I did it totally like, I love her so much, I want to take her out of this world. It's really strange. She used to leave notes on my pillow like 25 ways she'd like to kill me. She's got this weird death fetish. We're kinda f**kin' freaky. She got it. She's all 'Thank you that's kinda f**ked up. I was expecting a f**kin' I love you, baby kinda song.' I'm all, 'No, you know me.' I mean I can't do that.

Chi

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Chi is about a lot of alcohol and drug abuse. People turn to that when they have problems so that they won't have to feel their pain. The song was named after Chi Cheng from the Deftones. We named it after him because he used to call it reggae, and he loves reggae music.

Lost

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

It's the sterotypical thing about your best friend meeting a chick, and then you're nothing

Swallow

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

That's about being paranoid. Drug-induced paranoia.

Good God

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

It's about a guy I knew in school who I thought was a my friend, but who f**ked me. He came into my life with nothing, hung out at my house, lived off me, and made me do sh*t I didn't really wanna do." "I was into new romantic music and he was a mod, and he'd tell me if I didn't dress like a mod he wouldn't be my friend anymore."

"Whenever I had plans to go on a date with a chick he'd sabotage it, because he didn't have a date or nothing. He was a gutless f**king nothing. I haven't talked to him for years.

Mr. Rogers

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Back in the day when I was a speed freak, um... even further back when I was a little kid watchin' Mr. Rogers, that sh*t was scary. He was a freaky old man... Land of Makebelieve and Mr. f**kinMcFeely and sh*t... made me sick. So back when I was doing speed, like for 5 or 6 days I'd be trippin out and my brain would start to get freaky and get schizophrenic and stuff, and I'd tape it and watch it everyday over and over... I don't know, I was sick in the head. As a kid he told me to be polite and all it did was get me picked on. I f**king hate that man. Thanks for making me polite and trusting everyone, and easy to take advantage of. So I spent 3 months on that one song, just tweakin' on it, and it was totally just my Mr. Rogers obsession, about how evil I thought he was. Pretty much drug induced.

K @ # Ø % (Kunt)

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

People think it's sexist but it isn't. It's more subconcious b*tching at all the women who've been with me in my life. It's not about women in feneral, just those women who hurt me." "Initially, we wrote it to send to American radio for a joke, because they always chop up all the other songs. So we were going to send a 'real' single seven days later."

A.D.I.D.A.S.

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

It stands for all day I dream about sex. It's about how much of a pervert my ass is, and how I daydream about what a stud I am. But when it comes down to it, I'm a f**king pussy and I'm in there jacking off.

a** Itch

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

That was the last song I wrote, and I was so burned at writing out lyrics because everytime I write I get depressed because I start thinking about things, you know? So the whole song is about that. In the chorus it says, 'Before day, my sun will be dying'. It's because I put myself on the line all the time and for what? Because people aren't going to be listening to it anyway.

Kill You

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

It's about a relative I first met when I was 12. I f**king hate that b*tch. She's the most evil, f**ked up person I've met in my whole life. She hated my guts. She did everything she could to make my life hell. Like, when I was sick she'd feed me tea with Tabasco, which is really hot pepper oil. She'd make me drink it and say, 'You have to burn that cold out, boy'. f**ked up sh*t like that. So every night when I'd go to sleep, I'd dream of killing that b*tch. In some sick way I had a sexual fantasy about her, and I don't know what that stems from or why, but I always dreamt about f**king her and killing her

Ball Tongue

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

The meaning of ball tongue is simple. Some thought it had to do with oral sex, but in fact its about a guy we had to work with on a t-shirt (Jeff Creath). He either had a pierced tongue or a wart or something on his tongue and he was a dick to us.

Different live: Jonathan goes into a Rap (by Coolio) Called "Loddi Doddi" in the middle of the song.

Clown

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Korn was playing a show in San Diego for a clothing card. This skinhead guy came up and started flippin' me off. When we started, I bent down and the guy took a swing at me. Our tour manager, Jeff, got into it and knocked the guy out. I wrote this song about him: 'Scared to be honest with yourself/you're a cowardly man.

Faget

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

Everyone thinks I'm bashing gay people in this song, and I'm not. It's really about me going through high school being called 'pussy,' 'queer' and all that stuff, about getting picked on by all these jocks.

Shoots and Ladders

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

It was written because all these little kids sing these nursery rhymes and they don't know what they originally meant. Everyone is so happy when singing but 'London Bridge' is about the Black Plague. All of them have these evil stories behind them." "The lyrics are all from nursery rhymes, and a lot of nursery rhymes go back to the Middle Ages. They're actually pretty twisted if you know the stories behind them, like about Black Death and stuff.

Helmet in the Bush

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

It's about a speed problem that I had. You know, you do a lot of speed and -- if you're a male -- your penis retracts severly. The guy heard at the beginning of the song is La Caco, a friend of the band. His real name is Michael and likes taco bell. He's a really Nice Guy and he has been friends with the band for years

Daddy

Song Meaning, Jonathan:

People think daddy' was writen because my dad f**ked me up the ass,thats not what the song's about. It wasn't about my dad or my mum. When I was a kid I was being abused by someone else and I went to my parents and told them about it. and they thought I was lying and joking around, they never did sh*t about it. They didn't belive it was happening to their son. I don't like to talk about that song, this is the most I've ever talked about it...

[glossvrse]

CHERRY is the debut EP of ATHENA, better known as YEJIN, a South Korean vocalist and member of up-and-coming South Korean girl group, GLOSS. The EP was released January 1st, 2021, alongside a music video of the main song, CHERRY. Lyrically, the whole concept of the EP is about the love you feel for not only your significant other, but for your friends and others.

The music video, which was filmed by ATHENA herself, accompanied the release. In the music video, ATHENA was seen dancing around and playing guitar. It wasn't professional whatsoever, though the fans thought it was sweet.

[ TRACKLIST ! ]

These songs are merely inspirations, meaning the lyrics and meaning are not going to pertain to the songs in GLOSS-VERSE.

01. CHERRY ! ーー INSP.

"This song is," Yejin chuckled briefly, obviously amused by her own thoughts, "Pure, unadulterated love. Before I even came up with the lyrics, I had the melody in my head playing over and over so I played it on my guitar. Oh my gosh, when I tell you this song made me grin just to think about it and it wasn't even born! I've always been inspired by the elements of love, because it's not just your significant other you hold love for. It can be your friends, your family, your coworkers, your pets but it can also be your little cute frog tea set your friends told you not to buy." It appeared Yejin was speaking almost from experience.

02. BAD FRIEND ! ーー INSP.

"So, right after I wrote CHERRY, I just knew I needed this to be content packed." She explained, using her hands to talk, habitually. "Like I said previously, I hold absolute fascination with the concept of love, however, love isn't always a good thing. Sometimes love can be destructive and anarchy. When I thought of this song, I thought of a friend I made back in High School. I loved her to bits, though we realized we couldn't be friends because we were kind of hurting each other with our friendship. Did you know, even though I broke off our friendship, I still love her to this day? Basically, this song is the epitome of "you can love someone even though they are not in your life anymore."

03. CHOSEN FAMILY ! ーー INSP.

"This is, by far, my favorite track on this EP. This song is about the love you hold for the people who are your family. I mean- just 'cause you guys don't have the same bloodline doesn't make your family less family-like. The special thing about our chosen family is that we have a say. You don't get to chose who birthed you but you get to choose the people who surround you. My chosen family has gotten me through so much that I couldn't help but express my love. I love you all~!" She smiled, making a heart then continuing to wave her hands.

04. LOVE IT IF WE MADE IT ! ーー INSP.

"Yes, this song was named after the 1975's song. I really like that song, though I did want to change up the concept of it a little. Now, this song is pretty flexible with meaning, but all meanings lead back to the title. I would absolutely love it if we made it." Yejin paused, trying to collect her words, "See, I always tell myself 'hey, it's gonna be okay', and I find I say the same thing in my relationships. When I get into fights with members or friends, I always assure them it's going to be okay. This song is kinda like "yeah, we have ups and downs, but that's what a relationship is all about. Though, we are still going to make it through and I'd love it if we did."

05. WHERE U ARE ! ーー INSP.

"Okaaay so, I wrote this song at 3 AM. I actually wrote it prior to debut. It's a bit of a confusing song to some, but it's simple. I wrote this song about a scenario I had a dream about. Imagine you are lonely, working a mundane life. But every time you fall asleep, you see the person of your dreams *in* your dreams. Like a soulmate, every single night. This song is "I wish I could escape my mundane life and go to live where you are, which is in my dreams."

[ MV OUTFITS ! ]

ATHENA filmed this MV on her own with her own camera and edited it on her own as well. It's obviously not extremely high quality since it isn't professional, but it gives it a lot of charm with shaky camera angles and abrupt cut offs. Some scenes are when she's at the local park or Han River, just dancing around, walking and giggling. Some scenes are in her room, where she's writing and playing her guitar while grinning at the camera. The rest of the scenes aren't even of her, rather her members and the people around her. Some are her zooming in on the GLOSS member's faces while they're talking and laughing.

[ HIGHLIGHTS ! ]

This digital release was so surprising, it caught everyone off guard

NOBODY expected this release

A lot of these songs Yejin had came up with predebut

Yes, she wrote all of them and came up with acoustic demos

It came from Yejin's heart so please be gentle with it

Though some people didn't understand that

There were a lot of people complaining about the lack of GLOSS content

Like "you cant give a group a comeback but you can focus on one member"

At this point QUARTZ had given GLOSS two comebacks within the span of a year

SO YES CONTENT WAS A LITTLE DRY BUT YEJIN TRIED TO SAVE IT AND PEOPLE WERE BOYCOTTING HER AND TAKING THEIR FRUSTRATIONS WITH QUARTZ OUT ON HER SOLO CAREER

Anyways it didnt effect Yejin but in the end, the ratio of reflections who liked it and who didnt were pretty balanced

Not much happened with this release except that it got SO POPULAR

Hot take: Yejin was carrying GLOSS on her back

If not for this release, GLOSS would've forever been nugus

These songs brought a lot of international fans in because it blew up on TikTok

Yes the reflections who werent mad at Yejin were commenting on every trending video with her songs saying "THIS IS YEJIN HYUNGS GIVE CREDIT TO OUR FOUNDERS"💀💀

[lunarkat87]

It's been so long since I posted to this blog. I guess I stopped when I lost touch with my best friend who was like a sister. I've been wishing I could talk to her for guidance for so long, but I had to let her go for myself. She was attempting to push a guy on me when I wasn't ready, and purely so I would have a reason to move back to our hometown. Didn't she remember how bad that place was for me? I was homeless for nearly 4 years, bouncing between places, never secure, just surviving. Every time we talked I could feel my energy depleting, but she was my best friend, so why would I leave her? She was getting married, so naturally she was focused a lot on that, and I was meant to be her maid of honor. And as the MOH, it was my job to stand up for the bride, and to get the bridal party in order. So when I saw how much they kept hurting her, and how she was more sad about her experience as a bride than happy, I stepped up to the plate. Me, the girl terrified of her own shadow on some days. But I did it, and she called me her only friend, and her other bridesmaids did not like it, so they ran to her.... and she called me a bully. It was in that moment that my heart was broken, that she could think I had bullied people into something. She was ultimately my soul mate, we were meant to be in each others lives... and suddenly I was reduced to this one word. And all the pain, all the hurt I had over the years preceding this came pouring out, how she guilt tripped me, how I needed her and she wasn't there, how just because it wasnt what she wanted to do she didn't stick to plans with me. How she blew me off time and again, and how she stopped seeing me and I always had to travel to see her. And it was done. And what broke my heart more was the relief that I felt after I sent her an email. I loved her, so why would I be relieved? But as I write this today, I wish I could talk to her. Because she was and has always only ever been, the person that understood me. Who understood my heart, my mind, my emotions. Who helped me heal from my ex-fiancé that cheated on me. On the days I felt like giving up, and not being able to see through the blinding pain she was there to support me. She sent me quotes, she texted me every day, she made sure I was okay. And she always knew deep down I wasn't, and she was okay with that. She didn't expect or need me to be. And I wish I could have her now, because as I write this that fragile heart that I had finally fixed, has broken and shattered all over again.

You see, I met a guy. It had been 2 years, and I was ready to open myself to the idea of love again, especially because I realized I did not love my ex anymore, nor had I for a long time. I had tried dating in between those years, but it never felt right, or like I was ready. But after spending time on my own and feeling empowered, I downloaded a dating app. But it wasn't long before I began to dislike it, I don't like judging based off of pictures, and only a few words. I was feeling discouraged, maybe I wasn't ready... but then the app pinged for someone they thought I might like. I saw him and thought, wow he is handsome, he has a smile that I could melt from, and.... was that a racoon on his head?? I had to know, and so I hoped he would respond. And there began my downfall, because he did.

We spent an entire week texting, and I found myself eager and smiling at my phone. I was actually excited, and couldn't wait to meet him in person. We even came up with nicknames... he was Cinna-Ron because he asked me if I thought he was as sweet as a cinnamon roll... and he was, but even more so. My heart pounded as I waited to meet at the boba shop where he would pick me up for our date. And when he finally arrived, he was even more amazing in person. And he brought me burgundy colored carnations, it was that moment I knew I'd love those flowers forever. He opened my door for me and was a true gentleman, and when he leaned in to kiss me, I felt the world slow and my heart stop. All I could think was "wow~" we spent the whole night together, talking and kissing and flirting and I was convinced I had never felt more alive. And so began my hope.... that evil, snaring, soul crushing light..... the hope that things would keep going well, and that he felt the same way. To my excitement he did, and it was like I had known him forever. I was so unbelievably happy, and excited, and absolutely terrified. Because deep down I knew he was going to break my heart.... and so I ignored all of my alarms, my instincts. "Run away, he is going to hurt you" "don't let him in, keep him at a distance" "this will only lead to pain" and I could feel my heart shake from fear... like it knew it wouldn't survive another fracture... but I stood my ground, I was going to fight myself and trust for once, because he was nothing like anyone I had ever met before. He made me feel safe, he was why I took so long to come back, because I wanted to give him a real unicumbered chance at loving me, instead of pushing him away. I was happy being alone, I was content with myself and who I was, but I wanted to share it.... so I let him in.

Not long after I began to have health issues, an excruciating pain developed in my abdomen that I never found a real answer for. I hurt my wrist at work, and was in a minor fender bender that hurt my upper back. I was in my last year of Nursing school, and so the stress began to overwhelm me and I started overeating again. Before I knew it I was 30 pounds heavier.... but worst of all the darkness started creeping back in.... here was my depression again.... and crippling anxiety.... it began to be too dark to see any light.... I failed 2 exams in my last semester.... but I still had hope and light because he was there. Reminding me I was smart and I could do it.... and when I opened up about my mental health, I told him I would understand if he didnt want to stay because he didnt sign up for that... and he told me he wasn't going anywhere.... and so I had some hope to hold onto.... because I knew the real Kat was in there still, but the world was piling it on and I was suffocating, and he was patient enough for me to get back to me again. A week later he changed his mind.... he decided he couldn't "reciprocate as strong of feelings" for me as I had for him. A polite way of saying he doesn't love me, and knew he never would. And just like that, hope was gone....

Did I imagine it? The last 8 months? Was I really the only one who fell in love? Did I misread all of his actions as just really strong like and not love? The only reason I was open about my feelings towards him was because I genuinely believed he felt the same, his actions spoke louder than his words, or lack thereof. And I said I would wait for when he was ready to say it back, because I wasn't going anywhere and he made me believe he felt the same.... little did I realize he had one foot out the door from the start of our relationship. He thought the feelings would grow but they never did.... so when he smiled at me and held me close did he feel nothing? Was there not a fire roaring in his chest for me? Did not every fear and care melt away? Did the sound of my voice not send a thrill through his heart? Did he not look at me and feel pure happiness? What happened? What went wrong? What changed? It was me. It had to be me. Why else would he decide this now? He couldnt see the girl he first met anymore, I was a whole new person to him and he did not like what he saw or how he felt with me. And so he decided it wasn't "fair" to me if he kept me because he couldn't "reciprocate as strong of feelings."

Ultimately I don't believe I ever really had a chance with him, because he kept me at a distance emotionally. I realize now he never truly opened himself to me, and when he saw how serious, how real a relationship with me could be. He chose to run instead of opening his heart to being hurt. So you know what, maybe I do deserve better than that. I deserved the person he made me believe be was, he started out all in but I didnt realize he had that foot out the door, especially after I told him those three words. He has an idea of what he thinks love is like and how it's supposed to last, but doesn't realize that love is different each time you find it. He always told me he loves love, so why didnt he want the love in front of him? I think he still holds his heart for the one girl he ever really loved. So he'll never find what he is looking for because each new person he brings into his world, he never really gives a chance to, they'll never fit that mold. How can he expect to love someone, if he doesn't allow himself to? And yet, here I am... still wondering why I was not enough.... it's never enough.... and so I've closed my heart to love permanently. Because I can't stand this pain.... I feel so tricked... and so betrayed... the only quote befitting this is by Bob Marley "The biggest coward of a man is to awaken the love of a woman without the intention of loving her." How do I trust love if it ever comes again? Because what I mistook for love from him, was apparently nothing.... how do I trust actions now? How do I trust myself? And how did I mean absolutely nothing to him? Why am I the only one hurting? How was I so blind? I was foolish to believe someone like him actually loved me... it never crossed my mind that he didn't... he never made me feel otherwise.... I hate this. But what can I do? He'll never regret this decision, that isn't like him. Why would he regret leaving someone he doesn't love? He'll never miss me, for the same reasons. I can't make him love me if he doesn't. I'll be a fleeting thought for him, but for me he'll always be that maybe. I'll always find myself wanting to talk to him, wishing I could be with him. And if he ever does find love, I'll likely envy that girl. Because she must be something truly special to awaken his love... so I'll go back to finding myself. I'll try to finish school amidst this chaos in the world, become a nurse, buy a house with a backyard for my dogs. And be content knowing that I don't want love, I don't want this pain. I reached for too much happiness and light, and so the universe has ripped all of that away from me, reminding me that I don't get that kind of contentment. School hangs in the balance, still unsure if they will be able to continue due to Covid-19. The man I thought loved me is gone, and my love with him. That bright shiny future I thought was waiting this year is gone. So now I'm lost to wander alone. But this time I choose to be, because this pain isn't worth my sanity, or my life. I'm tired of surviving, I want to live.... Goodbye my sweetest of cinnamon rolls... I know you'll never see this... but I hope you know the love I felt was real...

03/19/2020 2220

[youcancallmemeimei]

Hieloowww, Happy Munday! hope your monday isn't as munday as it sounds XD sry i'm so munday today. How's this week? hope this week isn't as crazy as your last week!! and yes! I also want to go back to the very beginning of the time, because I actually had put my tiny teenage soul into a small capsule like a few few years back and buried it by a pine tree. I meant to dig it back up but I handed over a shovel to another one whom I thought could hand it back to me when it becomes the right time, but seems like that ain't happen yet so haha yea I have some things that I miss and those could be the reason why I want to go back in times to just live those early memories again. I don't know, but yea it sounds very romantic in that sense =D, I've ordered some samples of those 3 perfumes that you mentioned! kinda excited because I never held any women perfumes in my crib before actually hahaha i might fall in love with the air around my living room after I get those samples wknos lmao but yeah, i heard the smell is one of those senses that keep our memories together through the long journey, I really wish I had a chance to smell some more scents in the past and sometime I also wish some of my memories had tied with some scent so I could remember it more vividly, but sadly some of the most important ones I have no memory of smell, well.. but if the brain-triggered smell which only exists in one's brain could also be considered as a type of smell than I have those kind of scent that ties with those important memories. like even if you don't actually smell a thing your brain perceive some memories as a form of smell or they function as some sort of smell, that sometimes like when you feel so happy or so excited you may feel like you are smelling something so sweet and fruity and floral, namean? lmao. speaking of your biggest biggest inspiration can I take a guess? hmm.. I think it could be God!? but I could be wrong lol and you could enlighten me about it too! I'm willing to listen and learn about it because it sounds so interesting :D!!! Is your celebrity crush a Cha Eun Woo? hahahaa I have to admit he's just way too good looking even to same sex species but am not gay hahahaha you really have KISSED someone ?! hahaha jkjk!!! how did that happen to youuuuu om that sounds so exciting hahahhaha you should boast about it and tell your story about the first kiss!! hahahaa and what happen with your crush a couple of years ago? would you wanna share some of those story with him owwww!! but you said you kissed a friend?!?! omy!! hahahaha how that happened? and are you guys okay as friends now?hahahaha I'd be so embarrassed see the other one for some long time if the person and I end up being just friends after that happen hahahahah (or I might would end up just enjoying that distance wknos but how bout you? hahahah). and sorry about hearing that people changed their minds after you revealed your heart to them... that mustn't be good memories to keep.. but you know there is always the time when you reveal and it becomes reciprocated although you don't actually seek for that reciprocation you'd rather just focus on what can be done from your side and keep your best for that person because who knows the new person that you pour your love into and reveal with honesty could earn you a better and more delightful one =D !! I mean.. let's just not lose our hope or close our doors to the others because of the bad memories of the past you know.. not everyone is same although some of the past has been repetitive for you.. like for myself I also have tendencies in my life that steers itself towards a certain direction like everytime and regardless of my will, and I also had closed myself away from all of surroundings for many many years and I think still I do for the most of part but I really still believe closing it up completely and leaving others for guessing games and with uncertainties will also need those "door-open" moments at some point for it to be fully realized as you dreamt to be, idk I just think and speaking things LMAO. -cont’d

Hi Hi Hiiii!

i mean shouldn't you be the one with the shovel? Imo you shouldn't depend on anyone to take your tiny teenage soul our of that small capsule you buried under that pine tree, people are busy dealing with their stuff, you should do it yourself, because if you don't do it no one else will, you can ask for help to do it faster, but at the end of the day its yours not theirs.

What do you think about the perfumes? do you like them? now you have a wider view of myself hahaha i hope you like them tho, please give me your honest opinion!!!!!1 please please! you might fall in love with them or me, who knows right?

And i mean obviously my biggest inspiration is God, but i'm talking abut a human being, someone i know, a HUMAN hahaha

Yeah my celebrity crush is Cha Eunwoo lmao i have a big fat crush on him, what a man hahahaha i want one for me

about the first kiss... guess what, i dont remeber anything about it, i dont remember with who, when, how, i have no clue, weird isnt it? it should be something special, magical, but i have no clue :(

Do you mean my crush who liked me? We're still friends hahaha nothing happened, we just liked each other and thats it.

and the friends i kissed yeah, i was a crazy kid back then, we're still friends tho, he says he's in love with me but i don't really care lmaooooo it happen in school days, he gifted me a cupcake (because i love cupcakes and he's a cheff) and i gave him a little kiss as a treat or as a thank you haha

and people change because they get power, once you tell them how you feel that becomes a weak point on you, but i dont see them as unpleasant memories to keep tbh, i keep them because it showed me who they really were, for example my crush who liked me, i told him and he was like, no way, baby i like you too, and he didnt change at all, so that thought me that no matter how much fragile (? i might look to him, he would never take advantage of that with the "power" i gave him, he'd believe me and not test me, and we've been friends for 5+ years and he's never used that power against me, he's had girlfriends and stuff but he's never said "do you remember when you used to like me? or when we used to do this and that years ago?" or things like that, and thats the people i like to keep around me you know? those that would never take advantage of you no matter the situation.

[rainbowserenity]

I think what makes it more confusing is that i just recently came into terms that im bi bc everytime i would see a girl I'd be like damn she's so pretty (and then I'd look at her legs bc im a leg girl lmao and die bc wow legs esp girl legs) and about being repulsed, its happened before too. I was dancing around a stringing along a friend for a few months going back and forth between liking them and being grossed out before dating him basically out of pity and immediately regreted it. TBC

Needless to say that didnt turn out very well and i actually ended up breaking a 10 year relationship. I know it was terrible for me to do that and I'll never do it again. I thought it was just a special case but getting grossed out again? It really makes me think. And idk if its just guys either bc i never had anything romantic with a girl before so i cant really compare it to anything.  Theres also the fact that he asked me on a date while having a gf (which was fucked up) so it could be that             

But i also feel like that's not it at all LOLOLOL im sooo confused. Am i gay or ???* JDJEKEORJRH             

ohhhh sweet anon, I’m sorry that dating your friend ended so badly :( I think that’s always a risk when you go from friend to something more, though, so even if you went into it perfectly, there was always that chance...that’s fucked up he asked you out while already having a gf though wtf. like I’m all for poly people, but this clearly wasn’t a case of that

I wish I could just say HEY YES, YOU’RE HELLA GAY, but like I said, you’re really the only one who can decide that, though from what you’re telling me, you’re definitely leaning in the rainbow direction lol. I feel you on the legs thing, though I’m more of a collarbone girl myself...collarboooonneesss...

erm ahem

personally, I think that since the relationship with that guy ended so badly, you shouldn’t rush into anything else, but do keep your options and mind open. you said you only recently came to terms that you’re bisexual - have you come out to friends/family at all? I only mention this because once I came out when I was younger, a friend of mine and I pretty much immediately started dating because she hadn’t known til then that I liked girls lolollll. you just never know who’s hoping you swing that way...though I realize that this isn’t quite the norm, but you never know

of course, if you haven’t come out, don’t do just in hopes that it’ll get you a date or anything. do it because you want to and because it might put you a step closer into figuring out who you are

in all honesty? I think you should just live your life and do what feels right. this might sound like copping-out advice, but the answers will come in time. it took me until my late twenties to figure out that I was some form of asexual, and I figured out that I was gay when I was...18, 19? something like that. and honestly, sometimes I’m still not completely sure wtf my orientation is, but I’m comfortable with where I am now because I just do what feels right and try not to think about it too hard

if I could give you a solid, tangible piece of advice, it’d be to swear of males, at least for now :x see what it’s like to flirt with and hopefully eventually date a girl and if that changes any feelings of disgust. consider it a clean slate since you’ve never had anything romantic with a girl before and don’t compare it to dating that guy out of pity. just let it be what it is

honestly, I hope any of this is at all helpful or comforting. you’ll figure things out in time, I’m sure of it. and you’re definitely not alone in being confused about shit

here’s a director cupcake just because

[fluffi]

so should i reply in tiny font or just regular font?

hybe should do better in spreading out the comebacks of the groups under them :/ they're already at a huge advantage, might as well use it strategically. AHA streaming mvs is so convenient for a multi. the filler vids i could use in between could be mvs from the other groups that i stan. also you know what, i still haven't watched a single final performance bc im waiting for a friend to watch with me :D

i have a chinese movie recommendation in case you want something to cry over. i still love its ost and it's been months since i watched it. i'm not sure if you watched it already but more than blue. i've never cried over a movie as much as i cried for that one. the angst *chef's kiss*. i'd do anything to wipe my memory of it and watch it again for the first time.

also sungchan is mc-ing in inkigayo every sunday! and honestly, what the hell is nct hollywood :D but a part of me thinks it's just going to be a bunch of asians living in america like johnny that'll be a part of it. just a hunch tho. imagine having all 4 units coming back in a year with like 1 unit per quarter of the year. i'm not sure if sm even has the money to do this, especially when they filed bankruptcy recently.

and i've seen a lot of twitter memes saying taro's ghosted stans T_T alexa play ghosting by txt T_T sm come on give him smth to do, you're wasting talent.

the mall didn't burn down entirely (like from the outside it looked fine). the ventilation system caught fire so it was more internal—ceilings and all that. covered things with soot(?) and ashes so the entire mall was closed for nearly 2 years. and hey, i've experienced a school fire too back when i was younger. i, too, thought it was nothing but a fire drill until i saw the charred remains of the buildings behind our school : D thankfully, no one died.

the new nct track is for a samsung commercial AHAHA it's funny because nearly everyone uses apple TT_TT and the mv screams neo culture tech tho (well as it should lmao). yes, i was talking about that part in hot sauce but yes, it grew on me too.

ateez really know how to do a performance. they put the standard so high for me when it came to performing. their facial expressions and overall stage presence just impresses me. it's been a while since i've seen idols draw me to them by those standards.

ah, the long stan list! good luck in getting through it and i hope you do have fun as you go :] (also you can check out aurora by ateez and whiplash by tbz. the songs popped up in my head as i was typing this reply, you might like them)

ohhhh, what was the pd48 scandal? i don't watch survival shows so i don't know any of the stuff going on. would you care to elaborate? about their disbandment :(( i hope you're okay now tho! are the other girls still debuting in new groups? anyone eyeing an acting career instead of being an idol?

YES, A PATTERN IN THE BIASES (if you count an analysis of two ppl as a pattern, that is.) because it's the same pattern i have for my biaswreckers :D jake & seungmin, not only do they have the same animal to represent them, they have the same 'golden retriever' type of personality that just makes you go all soft. ygwim ;n; i wish i could elaborate but both boys just devastate me in the same level and my friends pointed out that they were quite similar in some aspects.

jaemin used to send really long bbl messages :< like if there was anything he loved most it was nctzens and it was obv in his messages. speaking of dream, album repackage news today! idk what to feel bc my hot sauce albums haven't even arrived yet :D + i'm dead br0ke.

how do you even manage to read 30k TT__TT i cant handle long fics bc of my attention span :D also, yes, i found the user now, i'll check if i'll like their works soon. <33

YES YOU SHOULDVE BEEN THERE T_T what a day that was. i think seungmin is still sweet and active in bbl. not a single cent goes to waste with him. also i think i'll post the drabble some time this month.

and oml seungmin vs jake :o let's see how that goes O.O XDD

clickity-clackity AHAH do you have a mechanical keyboard? :c i wanted one too but i haven't got around to saving up for one. but yes indeed, typing asmr v relaxing \m/

sunny hyuck day, fullsun sunday, fullsunday T_T feels were very strong that day. i kept seeing edits on my twt tl and i would just s o b : D i've only stanned nct for a year but i've seen him grow so much i just wanted to crie i love him sm :') yk my mom didn't cook spaghetti for my birthday, but she cooked for hyuck's? : D

and i checked ur recs blog and indeed, full of nct T_T

also have i mentioned that your desktop thing amuses me so much HAHAH i got confused for a sec if i had twt opened or tumblr. plus, i've been wanting to mention that i noticed that our mobile themes are opposites. black and red, white and blue. it's cute XDD <3

help, people have been telling me that our asks are long but i highkey love it. i added a ‘keep reading’ for the mobile users though, sorry in advance hh.

honestly, both works. tiny font saves space but regular font does more justice for my poor eyes haha. its your call!

hybe comebacks :( yeah enhypen got lucky because they came back right before cb season so they got three wins (yay)! on the bright side, txt just got their first win and bts has six wins, so it all works out i guess. omg yes, the streaming thing is perfect. i stan like 20 groups so i have a never-ending cycle of filler mvs and its always so helpful. ooh for the final performances - you wont regret watching any of them! literally wild, kingdom's budget and talent are wild.

ooh, I don't watch any cdramas lmao. i want to but i can barely finish kdramas. if its a movie ill watch it! ive never heard of more than blue but ill check it out <3 where can i watch it?

yes yes i have just realized that sungchan is yujin's co-mc! i watched their special stage (which is literally adorable) and was today years old when i realized that the dude is sungchan pls. nct hollywood was so unexpected and i still have mixed feelings about it now. LMAO JUST ASIANS LIVING IN AMERICA...help. that would be interesting (?) but the concept reminds me of those horrendous awesomeness tv shows. lets hope sm pulls this off well and proves me wrong. lmao all 4 units coming back would probably happen, but i hope none of them get overworked :( i constantly feel like mork lee has four clones :'( also...sm filed bankcruptcy??? dang, what happened?

ugh omg yeah shotaros talent is seriously being wasted in the basement right now. as for fires, scary T-T i wasnt that fazed by them until the australia wildfires happened, and i learned about the consequences of fire and got really scared. its good that the entire mall didnt burn down though! although its weird that no one is opening it :( schools really need to tell us the difference between drills though, it might be dangerous for those rebellious kids.

yeah i just realized that the nct track is an endorsement which partly explains why i cant listen to it. the mv's visuals are stunning!! the set and people are so gorgeous aa i cant

oh yeah im not an atiny but i have acknowledged since 2020 that they have one of the best, if not the best stage presence and expressions on stage for 4th gen. i think their only worthy competitor would be stray kids actually. theyre truly one of a kind and all of them are cute especially that yeosang guy. i will definitely check out your song recommendations though!

oof the pd48 scandal is extremely complicated. to condense it in a few statements: all of the girls' rankings have been rigged since the very beginning and it was rumored that they already had their end group before the show even started. it was like this for pf48 and pdx101 (group x1) which was why x1 disbanded within a month of debuting, and izone were on hiatus for like 4 months. im not the best at explaining stuff like this haha, but i think you get it. you can check out yt or search up 'pd48 scandal', a ton of articles and videos. as for new groups, nothing has been made clear yet. theyve only made instagram handles for now and appeared on variety shows haha. as for acting career, hyewon was supposed to do acting but was forced to join pd48 so maybe she'll continue acting afterwards? nothing is confirmed yet!

lmao two similarities, its okay it counts. ah, true, i can see their similarities now that youve mentioned it, as well as how jeno is kind of like that. however, i am currently attached to jaemin so we'll see what happens from there hehe. i swerve easily.

jaemin on bubble grr, that would be a whole experience. from the bare minimum of vidoes ive seen for him wbk jaemin is so whipped for czennies. ah yes repackage! i saw the post on instagram and went to the comments to see everything screaming ‘iM bROke!’ and it was lowkey hilarious lmao. kpop is really trying to suck our money T-T.

ope the longest fic ive read is like...40k words i think? and it was by jeonginks. ill read anything eiko produces lmao, theres always so much substance in her work. ooh, tell me what you think of luvdsc’s stuff, i just finished binging their entire masterlist lmao.

seungmin vs jake yeah, i havent been catching up on skz enha content because im still obsessing over the dreamies but when that saga is over then im going to focus on my ults lmao (which might include dream soon, hehe).

yes yes i have a mechanical bluetooth keyboard that i use to connect to my computer! it literally sounds amazing lmao, its only 10am here but i feel like im going to doze off from the clickity clackitys already. i cant wait for you to get one! tell me when you do, we can match hehe.

hyuck is an aodrable brat please. hes like the best comedian of nct at this point, so hilarious and filled with variety i love him. he rose up my bias list pretty fast too. LMAO YOUR MOM IS SO COOL I LOVE HER ALREADY. if only my mom would cook for my ults’ borndays.

yes my rec blog is a mess right now, ill organize it soon haha.

omg thank you and yes my website theme is one-of-a-kind. even i get confused when i open it or edit it, and i constantly get comments about it. also i just realized our opposing theme colors and i love it! its adorable.