#thoughts and prayers that today goes by fast

[hythlodaes]

last day of work before vacay xoxo

[vivian-pascal]

Like a Prayer

dbf!joel x f!reader

summary: Since you last saw Joel, he's been on your mind nonstop. You just can't get him out of your head. You miss him, and sure enough he misses you. So, you both plan something and decide to play a little game. (part two to Summer Love)

warnings: age gap, teasing, f!masturbating, dancing, fluff, piv (wrap it up) hand job, lil bit of sub!joel, joel cums fast, fingering, breast play, joel's dirty mouth, bit of feelings, breeding thoughts, lap grinding, description of what reader wears, reader is on birth control, aftercare

"Ugh!" You slam your head against your bedroom door for the five thousandth time today. You just can't take it anymore. He's everywhere. The last time you saw him, you barely got to say good bye to him and you haven't seen him since.

Yes, he texts you, but that only makes it worse. He sends you the most teasing and crude messages that just make you yearn for him harder. It's been horrible, let alone for Joel.

He dreams about you almost every night. The sweet moans you let out for him, the touch of your soft fingertips on his rough body, the way you moved and whispered sighs into his ear.

He is so uncontrollably in love with you. Love? Love is something he'd never be in again. Especially with his best buds daughter, who, not to mention, is at least a good twenty years younger than him.

Your blasting 'As long as you love me' by the backstreet boys on loop and your dad keeps coming upstairs to check on you and see if you're mentally okay.

He cracks open the door and sees you with your forehead resting on the wall and your arms hanging down. "You alright honey?"

You turn your head and nod. You look back down at the ground and sigh loudly. "That doesn't sound like you're okay, sweetie." He walks over to you and turns the volume down on your radio.

You stand up and lift your head from the wall. "What are you doing?" He looks at you with confusion and a sarcastic look on his face. "Turning the volume..down?"

"No, dad, turn it back up." You cross your arms and give him a death stare. He only looks back at you and crosses his arms too. If you want to play, he'll play too. "No."

"And why not?" You quirk your eyebrow waiting for his 'good' reason on why he should turn your music down.

"Because, honey, i've been hearing that song on blast and loop, for the past, let me see." He lifts his arm up and checks his watch. "Two hours, and I can probably sing every single verse to that song. So, I think you should take a break from the music, or play a different tune."

You look at him with shock. How dare he? If he doesn't like The Backstreet Boys or that song, then he can go away. You were doing just fine with that song on blast and loop for the past two hours and he just ruined it.

"Or, I keep the song on, and keep it on blast for another two hours." You give him a sweet smile as you turn the volume back up, grab his arm and lead him to the door, pushing him out and shutting the door in his face.

You smile at your good work and go back to the spot on your wall. Listening to the lyrics and singing them in your head. Dreaming of Joel and only wishing he were here with you right now.

Just as your about to bang your head on the wall for another couple hours, your phone pings and you instantly go over and grab it. It's Joel.

Hey sugar

hi joel

Whatcha up too?

oh, you know, the usual

You set your phone down and plump onto your bed. You haven't seen Joel in so long its making you go insane. When you hear the ping from your phone, you read the message and your face goes red.

Hm, let me think, the usual, as in your knuckles deep in that sweet, creamy pussy thinking about me huh? Oh darlin'. Can't wait to just devour you whole once again, you taste so sweet f'me sugar, man you make me hard.

You slowly put your phone down, grab a pillow, and scream as loud as you possibly can. He can't make this anymore worse for you can he.

You stare at your phone as you rest your head on the pillow. You look at the message and read it over and over again. Your hand slowly tracing circles around your torso and then into the waistband of your underwear.

You circle your clit softly and sigh at the feeling. You imagine Joel as you soak in the feeling of pleasure.

You think back to when he had you pinned against the bathroom door while he shoved his face into your pussy. The feeling of his nose, his mouth, the way his tongue moved so perfectly. The scratch of his beard on your thighs. His hair, tugging it and hearing him groan into your core.

You arch your back as you begin to rub your clit faster. Sticking a finger into your pussy as you whimper at the feeling.

You just wish it were him doing this. His big, calloused hands would run along your beautiful frame, his fingers would go deep into your core and fill you up just right. He'd praise you like no other. Filling your ears with pure filth.

Your mouth goes agape as you come. Imagining Joel on top of you, resting his sweet little head on your shoulder as he pounded you to death.

You close your eyes and take a deep breath. You remove your hand from your panties and grab your phone.

"Sweetie?" Your dad calls from downstairs. "Yeah dad?" You open the texts from Joel and begin to type one up. "I'm going out with Todd and Jim, I'll be gone for about four hours, we're goin to a bar alright?" You smile cheekishly as you send your message. "Yeah, bye dad have fun! Love you!" You hear the door shut and you smile as fireworks go off in your head.

dads going out, come over now please

Desperate I see, I'm on my way babygirl.

You roll your eyes as you read his message. You get up and look out your window to make sure your dad is really gone. You then go out into your closet and pick your outfit.

You go with a skimpy, white dress that cuts off at the knees and a cute white bow in your hair. You smile as you twirl in the mirror.

You hear a knock on the door and immediately rush downstairs. You quickly make sure your dress looks good and fix your hair as you open the door. And there he is, in all his glory, Joel miller.

You gasp when you see him. It's been so long, too long. He smirks down at you. He's wearing his same old pair of jeans and a flannel.

"Well hello darlin'. Been quite some time." He grins as he sees your flustered state. You look him in the eyes with desperation and grab him by the collar. Pulling him into your face and smashing your lips together.

He stumbles as he walks inside with you and shuts the door. You let go of his lips and release his collar as you start to unbutton it. "Woah, woah, I didn't know you were this desperate hon, I would've come over a whole lot earlier."

You death stare him as you get on your knees and run a hand over his bulge. He groans and closes his eyes at the feeling. You throw off his flannel and unzip his jeans. He takes off his shoes and turns around to put them in the corner, when he looks back, his mouth drops.

Your there, in nothing but the sweet, little bow in your hair and your panties. His jaw tightens as he walks towards you and grabs your hips.

"Well don't you just look so yummy." You giggle as you smirks down at you. You walk over to the couch and grab his hand. He sits down with his legs wide as you sit on top of him.

You run your hands through his hair and mold your lips together. He groans into the kiss as his hands flow down to your waist. You begin to grind against his covered crotch. His hands help you with the motion and he whimpers in your mouth.

You can feel him getting harder and harder by the minute. Your grinding motions quicken as his hands pull you into him faster. "Oh yeah darlin'. Just like that." He rests his head against the back of the pillow as you run your nails along his chest.

He shivers as you get to the waistband of his boxers. Skimming your nails along the soft curls. You carry your hand downward and over his bulge.

He flinches as he watches your movements. You run your nails along his covered length. Feeling his cock through his boxers, running your nails along the veins and tip.

He lifts his hips as a plea to remove his boxers. You only giggle as you keep teasing him. "D-Darlin'" He throws his head back as you grab his shaft through his pants. He whimpers at the feeling and lifts his hips once more.

You give him mercy as you release his cock from his boxers. He groans loudly as he feels your soft hand on his dick. He throws his arms over his eyes as he feels you run your nails along his soft skin.

Precum dribbles from the tip as you circle it with your nail. You admire the way it twitches and leaks for you. You admire how Joel is so desperately trying not to grab you and rail you too death, and how he's just barely holding on because of you.

He moans loudly as you lean down and lick a stripe up his cock. "I can't-" You giggle softly. "Can't what Joel?" You position your covered pussy over his cock and begin to rub against him. His mouth opens as he sees your soaked cunt over his dick.

His thighs begin to tremble as you quicken your pace. His cock twitches and cries under your core. He throws his head back once more and groans. "I'm cumming." He speaks threw gritted teeth. "What Joel?" When you look down at your panties, you soon get your answer. "Oh."

You sit back on his thighs as you watch his cock soften. His face is a flush red as his arms cover his eyes. "Joel did you just die or something."

He lifts his arms from his face and looks down at you. His eyes soften when he sees how absolutely stunning you look right now. He sits up and brings his hand to your face and rubs circles on your cheek with his thumb.

"Probably darlin'." You roll your eyes as he smirks and grabs your hand. He stands up from the couch and picks you up. You wrap your legs around his torso as he carries you upstairs and into your room. "Wait Joel, no-" But before you can say anything else, he's in your room.

"Yes sweetheart?" You grumble as you pick stuff off your floor and throw them into your closet. "Are you seriously cleaning up before we fuck?" He stands there, in your doorway, butt as naked with his arms crossed and a look on his face that says 'you better get your ass on the bed before I make you'

You roll your eyes and throw the stuff on the floor once more. He grins as you crawl onto your bed and lie on your back. He removes your panties as he crawls up your body and kisses your nose. "Baby girl, I don't care if your room is messy."

You giggle as he kisses your lips. You wrap your arms around his neck and through his hair. He deepens the kiss and groans into your mouth. He runs his hand down your body and between your legs.

He slowly circles your clit and you arch you back from the pleasure. You moan into his mouth as he runs a finger through your slit. You kiss his lips harder as he rubs your clit faster.

"Joel." You moan when he inserts a finger into your weeping hole. "I'm here baby, right here." He kisses your neck as his fingers work their magic.

You arch your back as you moan loudly. He feels your juices as you come and groans. "There ya go honey." He brings his hand up from your core and licks it clean. You stare at him with lust and tug his hair as you kiss him once more.

"Ready f'me?" You nod as he lines himself up. That's another thing you love about Joel. He's sweet and will always make sure your okay with something.

You gasp as you feel his cock seethe into you. He rocks his hips forward and you close your eyes.

He kisses along your neck and up to your lips. He groans against your mouth as he thrusts his hips faster. You arch your back as his pelvis knocks into your clit with each thrust.

He runs his hands along your body and rubs your breasts. He rolls your nipple between his fingers and latches his mouth onto your neck as you squeeze his cock.

He kisses and sucks that spot as you arch your back further off the bed. He grunts as he thrusts up and into you faster.

He can tell your close as your moans get louder and your breathing quickens. "Cmon baby, come with me."

You grab his face and collide your lips together as you come. Moaning into his mouth as you feel his thrusts get sloppier as he comes. Filling your pussy with his dripping seed.

His hips come to a stop as he rests his head against your forehead. You open your eyes and see that he's already looking at you.

You stare at his face for a bit. Looking at how beautiful he is. He looks into your eyes with love. He wants to hold you, wants to stay with you forever, he wants to love you. But he can't.

He kisses you once more before getting up and heading to the bathroom, leaving you all alone, for now.

He returns back with his shirt and a soft cloth, this feels all too familiar. Like he'll just clean you up and leave you once more.

You smile as he sits in front of you. You sit up and he taps your knee to spread your legs. Your raise as eyebrow as you do what your told.

His eyes droop as he sees the sight in front of him. Your gorgeous pussy leaking his cum. God, he wonders what you'd look like pregnant. With his baby, that he put into you. No, he shouldn't think like that, you're his best friends daughter after all.

He shakes the thoughts from his head and puts the soft rag against your core. Wiping away his hard work. He throws the rag down and into your hamper as he lifts your arm and puts his shirt on you.

You lift the fabric to your nose and sniff in. You open your eyes and look at him. Oops, you forgot he was here.

He smiles softly down at you and gets up. You follow him as he heads downstairs. He picks up his clothes and puts on his boxers. You don't want him to leave you just yet because you know that right after his shoes are on, he's out the door. So, you come up with an idea.

He pulls his jeans up and then he hears music. He turns around and sees you smiling at him with your finger in your mouth. You walk over to him.

You wrap your arms around his naked shoulders. He chuckles as you begin to sway your hips. "And what's all this darlin'?" You giggle as he steps side to side with you. "Just a little dancing." He smiles sweetly at you.

Like a Prayer by Madonna plays in the background as you both giggle and dance together. He grabs your arm and twirls you around. His hands on your hips as you sway your hips to the beat and he pulls a John Travolta move and you laugh and giggle at him.

You stare up at him as the beat begins to come to an end. You just stare into each others eyes and you want to say it so badly. Want to claw at his chest and make a hole in his heart for you. You want to scream to the whole world that you are so deeply in love with him. Joel Miller.

He stares into your soft eyes. He looks into each one. He would love to just take you back to his house and stay with you forever. He wants to hold you and kiss you and love you till the day you die. But you both know you can't and never will.

The music comes to an end and he stands with you in your empty living room, with no shirt on and his hands on your waist. He leans down and slowly kisses your lips with deep passion and love.

He's never kissed you with such tenderness. When his lips release from yours, you look up at him with tears in your eyes. He smiles down at you and brings his hands to your face. Just say it, just say it, please just say it.

He boops your nose with his finger and goes to grab his shirt but realizes you have it on.

You clear your throat and walk over to he door. He's soon behind you and tugs at the flannel your wearing. "It's alright sugar, you keep it, it's hot out anyways." He smirks at you as you shyly smile up at him.

He walks out the door and waves goodbye. "Bye Joel." You say with sadness as you close the door. You walk back up to your bedroom and shut the door, plunging your face into your pillow and crying your eyes out. You are so so so deeply in love with him and you don't know what to do anymore.

part i part ii part iii

tags!!

@guelyury @livingonthehems @ursagittariusgirlfriend @iamsherloocked @heartpascalispunk

@pinkcrystal44 @amyispxnk @simplewanderer @tupelomiss @heartramen

@kotourasan123 @mermaidgirl30 @brittmb115 @littlevenicebitch69 @sinful-mind-joyful-thoughts

@morallyinept @magpiepills @javierpenaispunk @rav3n-pascal22 @yorksgirl

@itsokbbygrl @mountainsandmayhem

[comet-forgot-you]

how about just fucking the shit out of river? like completely slutting her out typa thing. idk, i think ab it constantly.

insufferable

river x reader

summary: river’s insufferable.

warnings: 18+ pls, smut, strap use, strap warming, overstimulation, i think thats all

a/n: guys im back. ik i posted yesterday but like, now im back and im not struggling to keep my eyes open while writing this. do not repost for any reason.

river was annoying. her nonstop whining and complaining while you worked made your head hurt and if it weren’t for the deadline that was fast approaching, you would’ve done something about it. she’d come into your office and complain about how much time you were spending in your office working and begging you to spend it with her instead.

today was no different, with the deadline being tomorrow, and you being so close to finishing, your stress was multiplied. river was no help, sitting in the chair on the other side of your desk and talking non stop. you couldn’t keep your attention on the work in front of you, every train of thought being interrupted.

your head drops in your hand, jaw clenching as she continues talking. “river,” you let a deep breath out.

“hmm?”

you sit back in your chair, spreading your legs ever so slightly. “come here.”

she raises a brow, “why?” you say nothing, waiting for her to come stand in front of you.

“are you mad? i can just, you know, leave you alone so you can finish.” she rounds the desk to stand in between it and you. you scoot your chair closer to her, hands holding onto her hips. she looks down at you, dark eyes watching every movement you make.

“m’ not mad, riv,” you say, hands tugging at her waistband, pulling the elastic back and letting it snap against her skin. “you don’t need to leave, i know you just want attention,” her eyebrows furrow.

“i don’t- what? i don’t need attention, i’m not a pet.” she crosses her arms.

“mhm,” you hum. your hands leave her waist and pull your sweats down just enough for your strap to spring out. “you don’t need attention? guess i can take it off then,” you mumble. you go to take it off but rivers hands stop you, eyes meeting yours.

“i lied. i do need your attention, please? need you.. need it so bad,” her words are rushed and you lean back in your chair.

“c’mon then.” river’s quick to remove her pants, throwing them onto the chair she had abandoned. she goes to straddle you, but you shake your head, hand pressing against her lower stomach to stop her movements. “no, you’re gonna keep it nice and warm until i’m finished working, got it? one sound from you and you won’t cum, understand?” she nods and you smile. “good.” you turn her around, pulling her to sink onto your strap.

her hand covers her mouth in an attempt to prevent the noises that threaten to escape. the second the silicone bottoms out completely, you scoot your chair back to your desk. river fixes herself to be out of your line of sight, her hips rolling against the strap every so slightly. if you weren’t so focused on finishing your work, you would’ve reprimanded her for it.

you finish much faster than you had planned with the newfound silence of your office. river’s juices dripped from her stuffed cunt onto your skin. you kiss her shoulder, closing the laptop that had taken up almost all of your time and pushing it to the side.

“did so good, riv,” you mumble against her shoulder. she’s quiet, eyes wide and full of need as she looks at you. her hips had yet to stop rolling against you. you stand up abruptly, river’s chest meets the wood of your desk.

you push her down, hand between her shoulder blades. you lean over her body, the strap sinking deeper into her cunt at the new position. she bites her bottom lip. “its okay riv, wanna hear you now,” you mumble in her ear. a loud moan falls from her lips as you thrust into her at a quick pace.

“fuckfuckfuck.” it falls from her lips like a prayer. your lips attach to her neck, sucking marks into the skin. needy whines fall from her lips as you fuck into her, her movements limited with the position you pinned her in.

“should’ve done this forever ago, hmm? would’ve finished working days ago.” skin slaps against skin with every thrust. river stands on the tips of her toes in an attempt to bring herself more pleasure. moans echo off of the walls.

you pull yourself off of her, speeding your thrusts up. river’s thighs shake, struggling to keep her position. each thrust gets harder to complete as she nears her orgasm.

“gonna cum all over my strap, hmm?” river nods frantically, hair stuck to her face. “go on, then.” river’s orgasm pulses through her, her calves giving out as she falls limp against the wooden desk. you pull out, flipping her to rest her back on the wood. “one more, yeah?” you sink back inside of her, pushing her thighs apart for better access.

she whines when your thumb grazes her clit. “i can’t, so, shit, too much.” you chuckle, shaking your head.

“nono, you were so needy for attention, you can take it, right, baby?” your rub gentle circles on her clit, thrusts much slower than your previous pace. she whines at your continuation, doing nothing to stop your actions, instead, she spreads her thighs apart, arching her back off of the desk.

“i cant take it,” she mumbles out, heavy breaths falling from her lips. you smile, pushing her shirt up to expose her chest.

“i knew you could.” you roll her nipple between your fingers and river lets out a loud moan, hips bucking into the strap. you speed your thrusts up, hips burning at the movement.

skin slapping against skin, the squelch of river’s cunt taking your strap, river’s moans, it all echoed off of the walls, sending heat to your core.

“pleaseplease,” her words are slurred, tears prickling at her eyes. “just..” shes cut off by her own moan. “please, baby.” shes too fucked out to form coherent sentences, mutter pleas like her life depended on it.

her orgasm pulses through her for the second time, moans sounding like music to your ears. you rub her skin gently, attempting to help her regulate her breathing.

“good job, riv.” your voice is quiet, her breathing slowing with every exhale. you slide the strap out of her slowly, eliciting a whimper from the girl. you place a kiss on her lips. “lets go take a shower, yeah?” she nods as you pull away from her, offering her a hand to get up.

you collect the clothes river had thrown carelessly, standing next to the chair. river’s legs shake with every step, a small limo making an appearance. you try your best to contain the laugh that threatens to escape your throat. you meet her where she walked, wrapping your arm around her waist. “how about a bath instead,” you murmur, pressing a kiss to the side of her head.

[seven-stars-in-his-palm]

okay so a couple of days ago i saw this ask on @fellshish's blog about a need for a full 1941 discorporated aziraphale angst fic, realized i had an entire outline already in the hull, and... this happened:

a "what if crowley didn't miss in 1941" fic, including but not exclusive to the moment itself, the hours leading up to it, and the aftermath; a fanfiction (chapter 3/4)

summary:

It's Fell the Marvelous' awaited debut performance on the West End. He has his marksman, his turnips, and things appear to be going as planned—that is, until said marksman does the one thing he was supposed to avoid. Not missing. (or: the bullet catch goes wrong, and due to a tiny technicality, crowley's afraid aziraphale is gone for good. and crowley himself—for the first time in quite a while—is well and truly alone.)

warnings: full of blood, sweat, kissing while crying, blown up heads, prayers, nostalgic churches, polaroids, alcohol, and aziraphale being a discorporated bastard and bitching his way back to earth while a plot we should probably be focusing occurs as we ignore it entirely. and written extremely slowly. oxymoron but i couldnt get this out of my head fast enough and now you must endure it (should you choose to accept). i think i'm gonna be pretty proud of this though. excited!

(also thank @tforthetea for the inspiration because a conversation with them helped spark this the first time. all hail)

ao3 link for those who didn't check the title, and fic under the cut! :)

chapter 1: number thirteen

One of the things Crowley liked gloating about on occasion was that he was older than Death Itself.

He wasn’t technically wrong, per se. The humans think him mad, and the demons think him stupid, but he was still right. Human concepts, despite their hold on the population and overall importance, were non-existent before or even during the Beginning. The Four Horsemen and other ideas evolved right alongside the humans, so technically, Crowley was older than all of them. He rather liked having something to lord over War (in his head), during the few unfortunate meetings he would have with her. Famine was a non-issue, and Death could not touch him regardless of how much he didn’t like him. There were failsafes.

Now, however, actually being in the room that Aziraphale could potentially walk into and never come out of, Crowley would gladly take all of it back and pretend he never even thought about it at all.

The damned magician. Crowley never caught his name, but if he had, he would wrought him with the most annoyingly small curses that no one would ever believe to be true after today. Tonight wasn’t just about impressing the audience or even repaying that wine-filled debt, it was about them. Tonight, Crowley was to play the trusted stooge, and…shoot the angel. Point blank. In the face. And make it look real. And not discorporate him. And not get them fired. And—

There were a lot of things to consider, alright? To contrary belief, Crowley did, in fact, not think Death was silly or stupid. He’d also been there when It was born, you know. Crowley liked Abel. Watching It happen was, plainly, fucking terrifying. It brought up something new, and change was just as scary as Death. Ask anyone, and they’d tell you.

Crowley has been running that unfortunate meeting involuntarily through his head for the first ten or so minutes of waiting for the actual show to begin, while also listing out the terrible things he would do to the magician man had he ever held the opportunity again. He’d been sort of gunning (no pun intended) to stay backstage and avoid the riffraff, but been ushered out the dressing room the second he’d given his (admittingly harsh) two cents on the situation. Aziraphale said he wanted privacy before the big show, but Crowley knew he was just ticked. Aziraphale was an angel who thrived with a supportive devil over his shoulder.

So, Crowley is just milling around in the crowd as the Allied soldiers and their companions filter in. They come and go—a Lady even comes to check on him at point, mentioning odd vacant gazes and looking over shoulders paranoid-like, but he waves them off before they can pry. He really shouldn’t be so worried—even if Aziraphale…‘didn’t make it through the night’, he’d eventually be fine. As long as he discorporated a certain way, nothing too lethal—some deaths were harder to come back from others.

They’ve been discorporated before, of course. That was how Crowley knew this. Six millennia offered many opportunities for the event. But never, and it was never, at each other's hand. On paper, yeah, they killed each other on occasion, but truly…

Crowley shifts nervously, sending a glare at anyone who got a bit too close, but the brief discomforts aren’t enough to lift his spirits. There was one entity faffing about who refused to bugger off even with direct acknowledgements, though that might be because Crowley was imagining It. Or It really was here, and interested in the affairs of potential angel discorporation. Or a bomb was going to fall here and It was just beating the rush. The theories were far from endless.

Death appeared back there as soon as Crowley had been kicked out. He’s simply been dealing with it since then, and It probably wasn’t helping to lift his spirits. He shouldn’t be so antsy—both logic and mechanics deemed it so.

They’d be fine, Crowley repeats to himself near constantly, finding a proper seat in direct line of sight where Aziraphale will be standing. He readjusts his tie as the humans sit around him, creating a perfectly isolated bubble of red velvet seats. What did it matter that twelve humans died doing this before? They weren’t human. Death had no claim on them. It couldn’t take them even if It so desired.

Crowley scowls at the hooded figure standing near the entrance of the theater, cold scythe gleaming under the warm bulbs of the West End. Its just…standing there. Making no move to come closer, either. Odd.

Crowley sinks lower into his plush seat, as if trying to avoid Death’s gaze. But being one of two immovable objects on this Earth, It’s always on him. If Death had a goal, there would be no point in warding It away.

Seeing Death is a famous bad omen, and would send a chill down his spine had it been anywhere else. At this moment, however, Crowley is simply irritated. If It was looking for another soul in this theater, that was fine by him, let It take them, but It would not be ruining whatever this was. Humans were ever plentiful—there was only one angel deserving of Earth.

Before Crowley can decide whether or not he should be stupid and confront the omen in the room, the lights go dim. The crowd’s murmurs die down, and Crowley has no choice but to stay seated and watch the show. Aziraphale wouldn’t be coming on until the Ladies of Camelot had their first number, but Crowley could easily endure it. The gaze aimed straight at his head could be ignored.

World be damned if It took the angel’s enthusiasm. They’d be fine. Crowley just has to remember that.

-----

Things are, indeed, not going fine.

Crowley is meant to go up on stage any second now. Aziraphale has no inkwell in his gloved hand. No amount of snapping is removing said turnip from line of sight. He reads the pamphlet—then again, then again, then again, but there is no second option for apparently miracleless individuals.

Fucking. Hell.

Whatever false bravado Aziraphale is spewing is null and void compared to the should-be-non-existent nerves running through frantic hands and finding absolutely nothing useful. Crowley flips through the same two pages—give the stooge the bullet, poise, and shoot. The miracle would’ve ensure that the bullet would never leave the barrel. But now—now, well, he really regrets not considering a Plan B. Did they ever consider a Plan B? Apparently not.

Getting there is a blur. Aziraphale is essentially shoving the rifle into Crowley’s care, which is honestly becoming a worse idea by the second. He’s switching between the demon and the audience so quickly that Crowley can’t tell who he’s addressing. They’re deathly quiet, and Crowley would feel embarrassed if his heart that shouldn’t be there wasn’t pounding with too much blood in too little time. His mind is a soup. Muddled, feverish, and incredibly foul tasting. You wouldn’t want to drink it even if you were starving.

“I would ask you,” Aziraphale says loudly, cutting through the fog of utter mental mush, “to take this bullet, and load it into the rifle. Very carefully.”

Crowley nods belatedly, squeezing and turning parts of the gun to get the non-existent warmth running back through his fingers. He takes the bullet, and turns it round a few times while Aziraphale stares at him with excruciating anxiety. Is he stalling? Honestly, even Crowley wouldn’t be able to tell you.

“It's perfectly simple,” Aziraphale mutters softly, pushing the gun a bit closer. “Aim for my mouth, but shoot past my ear.”

Crowley can’t find himself to agree here. He’s staring at him, and that would usually get him to listen regardless of shades, but Death is boring into them like the harshest of theater critics. His skin is slick, almost clammy, threatening to let the gun slip and fire a stray bullet anywhere but its intended target. His back is sore, oddly enough. Irritating.

Crowley has questions, like he always does, but the time has long passed. What he wants to ask is ‘do I just squeeze that little bit there?’ pointing at (what looks like) to be the trigger—but then that would just make Crowley look incompetent, so he swallows it back and nodly lightly. He’s never fired a gun like Aziraphale seems to believe whole-heartedly, but he’s certainly watched it happen. He’s picked up enough of the motions to figure it out on his own.

That thought still doesn’t help when he’s being told to insert the bullet, though. Crowley fumbles through it, opening a mislaid hatch or two, but manages before Aziraphale could raise any alarms. He’s already stood back in position (when did that happen?) when Crowley raises the loaded rifle for all to see, proclaiming as such. He bites back the tremor threatening to appear—he wasn’t nervous. Excited, more like it. Excited to finally get an excuse to make a throw at the angel non-suspicious like.

That was all it was. Really.

Crowley turns the rifle one last time as Aziraphale spins more useless pageantry for the audience to woo at. They’re both grinning, but tightly and annoyingly false. It wasn’t the eyes that were the problem—what, do you think that demons ever got stage fright? Absurd!

It was just...well, there weren’t just humans in this audience. Crowley couldn’t forget the shadow looming at the end of the theater no matter how tight he grips the side of the weapon. But, just like Someone had laid out all that Time ago—Death could only perceive them.

It could not touch them.

It would not touch them.

It would not touch him, if he could help it.

The drums begin their incessant titter as Aziraphale finally turns to Crowley properly, blue cloak glimmering under the warm light of the stage before them. “A-are you ready, sir?”

Crowley would scoff at this if he could. Sir. Only humans ever addressed him that way; angels look down on him, demons sneer at him. Though he supposes this angel would be different—always throwing the curveballs, him.

“When you hear my signal,” the angel says, voice growing quieter, “shoot.”

Aziraphale removes his tophat, revealing preciously white curls. This pings something, the remaining traces of damned sense he’s got buried inside. Crowley isn’t sure what has possessed him—but he shakes his head. It’s all he can do. Don’t make me do it, he nearly warns out loud. Not if you know what’s good for you.

Aziraphale stills, but not before mouthing words that would be akin to an ashamed mumble if he were close enough. Trust me.

Trust me.

Satan, he got him there. That’s why Crowley was here, after all. Stooge. 100% Reliable Marksman.

Right.

Aziraphale isn’t nearly as good as Crowley at hiding his anxious gaze. “Ready?”

Oh, Heavens no. He never would be, but no better time than the present. Or something like that. He can’t recall where it came from.

“Aim…”

Crowley can’t ignore it anymore—he’s shaking. Extremely so, at that. It’s knocking around the air in his lungs very unkindly. It’s quite difficult to aim. His head is bobbing around in the scope.

Just about…

There it is.

Crowley waits—just like he’s done for the last…however long. A long time. His arms are starting to hurt, frankly. He rests his finger over the trigger to ease the trembling a tad.

And the magician remains silent.

Crowley ignores the sweat crawling down his neck. (Wasn’t it supposed to be freezing?) He waits some more—it’s not like one can forget where you are. Benefit of the doubt and such.

Nothing still. Nary a nod.

He’s been staring at him for a minute. The crowd hasn’t uttered a peep. Is Crowley just supposed to…do it? Did they talk about this? They must have. They talked about this. They talked about it, right? Yeah. Yeah, they must have—

"Fire!"

He startled him.

The reason why he listens is easy to explain. Aziraphale made Crowley flinch. A bit of a spook, really, not that bad of a fright. A sudden jolt—a tap on the shoulder, one that said ‘oh, look, you’ve got perfect aim already! Shoot!’

And he did.

What’s the first rule of approaching someone with a weapon again?

Right. Don’t fucking scare them.

The handle is warm. Slick, heavy, shaky. The scope aims with guilty target missing at the helm. A puff of smoke is spewing from the barrel. A thump, a sickening thump, deafening in the cricket silence of a post-trick world.

And Aziraphale…is on the floor.

(Where else would he be, really?)

There, obviously. On the floor. With a blown-up head. Bleeding like blessed Heaven. Bleeding like bloody Heaven, while Crowley has to take in the sight and smell the blessed thing.

It fits. They fit. Like a perfect crown on a decapitated head.

God, his head’s just gone, isn’t it?

A noise cuts through the thick silence like a stubbornly determined knife. Far away, above it all, there it rings. It’s muffled, soft, and almost awkward in the way it cuts through the air. A camera click. A reluctant, malicious camera click.

And that was just the perfect way to say it, no? He blew his brains out. Crowley blew his angel’s fucking brains out with a fucking gun that he’s never fucking held before.

Trust me.

Well. That, no doubt, was Aziraphale’s fault—it’d be a funny old world if angels and demons went around trusting one another.

-----

hgh. hope that was decent. chapter two coming as soon as it can because im invested now :))

[make-me-imagine]

Personal Life Update - Possible Long Term Hiatus

So for anyone who cares about this sort of thing, I thought I would make a post. A few weeks back, both of my parents got sick. We thought with the same thing, possibly covid at the time.

While it was confirmed that my mother did in fact get Covid, she also contracted pneumonia. She has copd so this made it quite difficult for her. So she went to to the hospital.

My dad turned out to have something much worse. He developed diverticulitis (pockets in the intestine), fairly common, but, he got severely inflamed and got an infection. He got very sick, very fast. He had been receiving treatment for Liver Cancer previously, but those treatments were only making him worse.

For the last few weeks me and my brother have been making two-hour trips every other day, to visit both of them.

My dad was getting dialysis treatments because his kidneys were in rough shape, but was having a hard time in the hospital. He was not being treated well, and wanted to come home, so he did.

Today me and my brother brought our dad home so he could be comfortable somewhere he feels safe. He will no longer be receiving dialysis or cancer treatments. He will be set up with a hospice service from home hopefully tomorrow.

I do not know when my mother will return home, or what care she will need from this point on either. She has recovered from covid and pneumonia, but must be on a cpap machine at night at this point or she declines in her health/breathing.

I have no idea how much longer I have with my father. Could be days, could be a year. The same goes with my mother, though she is not well, she is better off than my father in some ways.

I have been taking care of my mother every day for the last 5 years. And now I'll need to help my dad as well for as long as he needs.

I may release content on days that are better and I feel like writing, maybe for stress relief. But I cannot promise that I will be able to post anything. I will be around, but just might not be writing for a while longer.

To anyone who sends their love, prayers, or kind messages, I thank you in advance. Please do not be offended if I do not reply right away or at all.

xx

[one-of-many-journeys]

Day 1

The Embrace

Two days before the proving. Rost wants to go hunting today. I’ll enjoy his final lessons. Things will change after the proving, but I’ve got a plan for that.

Tasks for the day: hunting game for Grata, shards and blaze for fire arrows. Rost has something planned

Ended up taking out the whole herd for practice. Took a nasty fall off a rock, hit by a Watcher blast. Blinded too. Amateur mistake.

Met a wounded man who wanted help from anyone, even an outcast. I tracked his daughter, Arana. She was stuck up on a Brave trail circled by Watchers. Started pelting down too. I took out all 4 without them seeing me. Sort of.

Bought a tripcaster off Karst, finally. Got Arana’s spear back from a Scrapper, managed to tease it away from the herd and take it out mostly from a distance. She and her father were kind to me. It was…different, but nice.

Walked back along the bridge by the southern gate in full view of the guards and towers. Soon they won’t scorn me. Call it savouring their bitterness for the last time. The view is as beautiful as ever. The river goes on further than I can see.

Climbed the rock trail the fast way and got Grata’s prayer beads for her. No idea how she made it up there to begin with.

Met Rost at the north gate and tried to sleep until dark. Beyond the Embrace for the first time to hunt a machine called a Sawtooth, twice the size of a Strider and ten times as fierce, rending claws, like an oversized scraper. The huge blaze canister on its belly made an easy target, and I put my Tripcaster to good use bringing it down to shock. Good haul from the carcass. With all the fire and ruin, you’d have thought there were a stampede of the things. Apparently there were only three. I got the last one.

The tribe owe me one already. Maybe Rost is right, and they’ll need me, even be grateful to me after all this time. I don’t know if I can accept that. I haven’t really thought about what I’ll do once I know the truth about my mother. That’s what all of this has been for. Happiness beyond that? Maybe. As long as Rost is here, if silent, and the wilds continue to surprise.

[scribeforchrist-blog]

Letting The Light Change Me 

MEMORY VERSE OF THE WEEK

=========================

+ 1 Corinthians 13:3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

=========================

VERSE OF THE DAY 

========================

+ Luke 12:35-40  “Be dressed ready for service and keep your lamps burning, 36 like servants waiting for their master to return from a wedding banquet so that when he comes and knocks, they can immediately open the door for him. 

=========================

SUBJECT: Letting The Light Change Me 

=========================

** SAY THIS BEFORE YOU READ; HERE’S SOME CHRISTIAN TRUTHS **

I AM WALKING IN THE LIGHT 

I AM LISTENING TO GOD 

I AM CHANGING THROUGH HIM 

I AM NEEDING JESUS 

========================

READ TIME: 8 Minutes & 10 Seconds

========================

THOUGHTS:

=======================

    I remember when I was younger, New Year's would come in. I would stay up all night watching the clock, playing video games, and waiting for the year to ring in because I was young and energetic. As I got older, I would drink the New Year's in and then drink it afterward; it was something I did every New Year sometimes I would be so dunk I would fall asleep.

    As I got older and gave my life to Christ, I spent my New Year's night bringing it in with prayer. I will pray from 7:00 pm to midnight, praying and giving God thanks and being grateful for another year; you see how life changes and how when you give your life to God, your goals and your perspective changes.

     I couldn’t stay up because I wasn’t being watchful when I was in the world. I didn’t care about my time but when I gave my life to Christ.  I wanted to spend those hours with him. I wanted to be watchful and pray; a lot of times, Jesus is asking us to be watchful over our time and what we do; we talked about Hezekiah the other day and how he was praying for God to give him more time and a lot of us are losing time because we aren’t being watchful and considering our time with him. Still, today, we are going to talk about this parable.

  In this parable, he tells us to stay ready, not to be servants with no oil, and to be ready for service. Many of us aren’t ready because we are too busy doing things we shouldn’t do daily. He allows us to get it right and the oil we need, but we must bring our lamps to God.

  Verse 38: It will be good for those servants whose master finds them ready, even if he comes in the middle of the night or toward daybreak.

  The verse even says even if he comes in the middle of the night, we must be ready. If Jesus comes back right now, will you be ready? A lot of us can't say we are; a lot of us are unprepared because we feel we have the time, and we don’t, and age doesn’t have anything to do with it; the young are dying, just like the old, and if we keep saying the phrase I’m young, I’m young we are going to look up, we will be older; God is calling us to be ready. Is your lamp ready?

   Verse 39 But understand this: If the house owner had known at what hour the thief was coming, he would not have let his house be broken into.

  I can tell you precisely what I would do if I were robbed, and just because I can tell you doesn’t mean I'm ready; a lot of times, we aren’t ready because we think this can't happen to us, but when we set a life of prayerfulness in order , when we set a life of mediation and fasting we are getting ready by placing our time with God. A lot of us don’t want to sacrifice the time to pray to God because we feel God understands we have a lot to do, and he does, but he expects us to want to spend time with him.

    Do you want to spend time with Him to get ready? It's just like anyone that goes to the gym, and they go every day, day in and day out, whether it rains, sleets, or hails; their at that gym giving it everything they got, and we must do the same every day because we never know when its going to be our last day , the person that’s going to the gym is going for a purpose what is your purpose for prayer time with God , I hope it's not to ask for things but to spend time with God, to soak in his presence.

   Verse 39-40 But understand this: If the house owner had known at what hour the thief was coming, he would not have let his house be broken into. 40 You also must be ready because the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him.”

   We must be ready not to spend our time being idle but spending time waiting for Jesus and his return; no, we won’t know the time, and that’s why, at all times, we need to do what he asks of us and obey his word and treat others with pity and mercy a lot of us don’t want to do the things he’s asking us to do but to say we love Jesus we must follow His commands , in his word it says if you love me keep my commandments.”

  • Luke 13:3 I tell you, no! But unless you repent, you too will all perish

   •Luke 13:5 I tell you, no! But unless you repent, you too will all perish.”

  He says this two times within this chapter: repent unless we all will perish. A lot of us haven’t completely repented; some of us think repentance is just words, but it’s action, our actions must say: I repent of this or I am sorry, but some of us go back to doing what we are doing with no true change; change comes when we turn away from what we are doing and truly see that what we are doing isn’t good. We see people who sin, and we say, oh no, they're wrong, but what about us , some of us are constantly going back to our old ways? To be ready, we must spend time with God and ensure our hearts is in the right position . 

  ***Today, we talked about changes; sometimes it happens because of the season. Sometimes changes happen because we become older and we see that we can’t do what we used to do, and what we used to do in the world was something we did because we were blind, but now we see, and we see that Jesus is the light of the world and the light in our life without this light the word says we are blind.

  •Ephesians 5:8 For at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light

 • John 12:35 So Jesus said to them, “The light is among you for a little while longer. Walk while you have the light, lest darkness overtake you. The one who walks in the darkness does not know where he is going.

    Without Christ in our lives, we don’t know where we are going , every day we have a chance to change what we are doing, and I know changes are tough mainly if we are used to doing things outside of what God wants for us, but when we start God will help lead us the rest of the way, let him lead you today .©Seer~ Prophetess Lee

========================

PRAYER

========================

Heavenly Father, we thank you for today and for never leaving or forsaking us. Lord, we need you so badly today; we ask that you give us peace and continue to show us the way we need you in our lives; we ask you to be with us daily as we carry our cross. Lord, we don’t deserve mercy, but we ask you for it today in our lives; in Jesus Name, amen 

========================

REFERENCES 

========================

+John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.

 

+ 2 Corinthians 4:6 For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.

 

+ Matthew 4:16 The people dwelling in darkness have seen a great light, and for those dwelling in the region and shadow of death, on them a light has dawned.”

========================

FURTHER READINGS 

=========================

Proverbs 3

Leviticus 3

Genesis 5

1 Samuel 7

 =========================

[jaxteller87]

my little empath 6

The smell of engine oil and leather filled the air as I tucked the last herb into the small pouch, whispering a prayer under my breath. Over the past few weeks, I’d given Jax more crystals than I could count. They always came back either broken or lost, but I didn’t mind. He felt bad, but I knew better— those crystals were just doing their job. They weren’t meant to stay with him forever, just long enough to serve their purpose. This time, though, I wanted something different. I carefully tied the pouch, filled with herbs I knew by heart, and pressed it into his hand when he walked through the door.

“Babe…” he started, eyes flicking down to the little pouch, already shaking his head.

“Humor me,” I said with a laugh, nudging him gently. He sighed, tucking it into his pocket, but not without a little more protest first.

“What if this one gets lost like the others?” He gave me that look— the one that said he didn’t believe in all this, but he couldn’t stand disappointing me either. “I don’t know if you’re buying these nifty little pouches or if you’re making’em, but I really feel shitty when they get lost cuz of me.”

“It’s doing what it’s supposed to,” I whispered under my breath, more to myself than to him.

Jax raised an eyebrow. “Okay, but if this one gets lost again, I’m taking a break. I feel bad, you know? You put all this effort in, and they just end up gone or busted.”

He didn’t know about the crystal I’d hidden in the sachet on his bike. That one? It wasn’t going anywhere. I smiled to myself, letting the moment pass with him thinking he earned a minor victory over the situation.

The next day, I met with my mentor, Carol— a woman with a soul as old as time. She welcomed me with her usual calm smile like she knew something I didn’t, as always.

“So, today, if you feel comfortable, I’d like you to give me a reading,” she said, her voice soft but steady.

A nervous laugh escaped me. “Are you sure? What if I freeze up and forget everything you’ve taught me?”

“You won’t,” she assured me, her eyes gleaming with quiet confidence. “And if whatever reason you feel like you’re going to— or if it happens, it’s just me— no worries, my dear.”

I was hesitant but also more intrigued and excited at the idea. “Well, alright then.”

I shuffled the cards at the table, my heart beating a little too fast. She asked for a general reading, knowing I wasn’t quite ready for something specific yet. Love, career, all that... I needed more practice before diving into that. The smell of burning sage drifted through the air as I sat across from Carol, my hands fidgeting nervously in my lap. Her little shop, tucked away in the back of town, was always a sanctuary for me—dim lighting, shelves filled with candles and crystals, and an energy that made you feel like time slowed down the moment you stepped inside. But today, the calmness wasn’t enough to keep the nervous flutter in my chest from taking over.

As I laid the cards down, something clicked. The stories they told came easier than I thought they would, like I was finally starting to understand this language of symbols and intuition. I took a deep breath, looking down at the deck in front of me. The worn edges of the cards were familiar, but suddenly, they felt heavy in my hands. “Alright,” I whispered. “Here goes nothing.”

“Just a general reading, okay? Nothing too specific,” she said, leaning back slightly in her chair. “We’ll leave love and career for another time.”

I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding. A general reading was something I could handle. I spread the cards out in a fan, letting my fingers hover over them before pulling three. I laid them down in front of us, face down. The flicker of candlelight danced across the surface of the cards, as if urging me on.

“Okay,” I said, turning the first card over. “The Tower.”

Carol’s eyebrows raised slightly, but she said nothing. I swallowed hard. The Tower: Sudden change. Upheaval. Destruction that leads to transformation.

I cleared my throat. “So... the Tower. It’s... well, it represents change. Like, big change. Something unexpected, but not always bad. Sometimes things have to break down to rebuild, you know?”

Carol smiled, her eyes never leaving mine. “Go on.”

I flipped the second card. The Lovers.

I blinked, glancing at Carol for a hint of what she was thinking, but her expression was unreadable. I shifted in my seat, trying to find my voice. “The Lovers... it’s about choices, right? It’s not always about love, but about making decisions that go along with what your heart is telling you.”

I felt Carol’s gaze sharpen. “Yes. It’s often about aligning with your true self; very good. Keep going.”

I reached for the last card, my fingers trembling a little. I flipped it over and stared at it— The Moon.

“The Moon...” I trailed off, searching for the right words. “It’s about intuition, I think? About facing the unknown and trusting that even in the dark, there’s a path.”

I looked up at Carol, waiting for her reaction. She studied the spread for a moment, her fingers lightly tracing the edge of The Moon card. “You know,” she began, her voice soft but firm, “this spread speaks more to you than it does to me.”

“Me?” I asked, feeling a jolt of surprise.

She nodded. “The Tower. You’ve been through some upheaval recently, haven’t you?”

I thought about Jax, the club, the constant danger that seemed to follow us wherever we went. “Yeah... you could say that.”

“And The Lovers. You’re standing at a crossroads, Amber. There’s a choice you’re being asked to make, one that will test your heart.”

Her words hit harder than I expected. She wasn’t wrong. With Jax, everything always felt like a choice between the life we wanted and the life we had to live.

“And The Moon,” Carol continued, her eyes locking with mine. “You’re stepping into the unknown. But your intuition is your guide. The cards don’t lie, my dear. Trust them— trust yourself.”

I sat back, feeling like the air had been knocked out of me. The cards had spoken louder than I anticipated. Carol saw it in my face and reached across the table, placing her hand over mine. I felt like she had tricked me (in a good way) into reading my own future. “You’re ready, Amber. You just need to believe that.”

I let out a shaky breath. “Do you really think I’ll get the hang of all this? Reading for other people, I mean.”

Carol chuckled. “Of course! You already have the gift. It’s just a matter of honing it. You picked up on things in this reading that weren’t even about me—they were about you. That’s intuition. That’s the craft.”

I smiled, a little uncertain but grateful for her confidence in me. “Maybe one day I’ll be as good as you.”

Carol squeezed my hand. “You’ll be better. You just have to trust yourself. Stick with it, Amber. You’ve got something special.”

I nodded, taking it all in. She stood up, gathered the cards with a careful, practiced motion, and handed them back to me. “Now, go home and let this reading sit with you. Reflect on it.”

I took the deck, feeling a little lighter, like maybe— just maybe— I was starting to understand this world. The herbs, the crystals, the cards... they weren’t just things I did to feel better. They were part of something deeper, something that connected me to Jax, to Carol, to myself.

“You really think I did good, though?” I asked again, unsure if she was just hyping me up or if she wholeheartedly thought I did well.

“Yes. Please, stop doubting yourself— you’ve been on this path long enough to know how damaging self-doubt can be when balancing the energies of the universe. You did wonderful, Amber. You should be proud.”

“Really? Did I actually pick up on things?” I asked, feeling a little lightheaded from the adrenaline.

“You sure did. You’re going to make a great reader one day if you stick with it,” she smiled, the kind that made you believe it, too.

As I left Carol’s shop, the weight on my chest eased, the candles flickering behind me like a silent farewell. The Tower, The Lovers, and The Moon— three cards that held more truth than I realized. I wasn’t just protecting Jax with my little pouches and crystals; I was learning to defend myself, too.

A couple of days later, Jax showed up at my parents’ place. He looked worn out, more so than usual, like the world was sitting heavy on his shoulders again. He dropped onto the patio chair beside me, pulling out the pouch. It was empty.

“Babe, I lost everything but the bag itself. Which is... odd.” He chuckled, a little embarrassed.

“That is…odd.”

“I’m sorry—”

I couldn’t help but grin. I knew the herbs had done their job. “It’s okay, babe. Don’t feel bad,” I said, leaning over to kiss his cheek.

He paused for a moment, then looked at me with a smirk. “Show me. I know, for some reason, you don’t want to tell me what you put in these, but I won’t make fun of you. I promise. Humor me, please.”

I laughed, shaking my head as I rolled into the house. “Alright, wait here.”

I came back with a tray full of my supplies, laying them out on the table like a magician about to perform. “This is everything I use.”

Jax looked down at the assortment— herbs, crystals, little vials of oils—and raised an eyebrow. “All of this is supposed to protect me?”

“Yup,” I said proudly. “Well, it’s not supposed to— it will.”

He picked up a tiny jar of cayenne pepper, eyeing it suspiciously. “And what’s this for?”

I chuckled. “That’s for when I know there’s a chance of bloodshed or bullets. Adds a bit of ‘bite,’ they say.”

He leaned back, shaking his head with a smile. “So this is the armor you were talking about a while back?”

“Exactly,” I grinned, leaning in to steal a kiss. “Donna started making these for Opie, too. We do it together sometimes, usually outside. It just feels... better that way.”

Jax nodded, still looking at the herbs and crystals like he didn’t fully understand but respected the effort all the same. He carefully put the new pouch into his back pocket, like it meant something more to him than just superstition.

“Well, thank you. Again.” His voice softened, and I knew he meant it.

I smiled, watching him as he stood, knowing that no matter how tough he was, no matter how many times he pushed back, he carried a little piece of me with him wherever he went, even if it was just in a small, worn-out pouch.

[the-lesser-light]

Sometimes Shabbat doesn't always feel as relaxing as it should.

We've all been there:

-The match broke or wouldn't strike.

-The candle wouldn't catch the fire and the flame traveled up the match too fast, burning my fingers.

-I knocked over the candles.

-I set off the smoke detector with the candles (That Havdalah candle is mean)

-The Challah burned or wouldn't rise.

-I got sick and could hardly get out of bed.

-An unexpected plan came up and I didn't get to have a nice relaxing dinner and instead had to go do something.

Times like these can be rough. We sit there feeling like we can't even do Shabbat right. We're supposed to end the week on a good note with praise and relaxation and love. Instead we sit here frustrated and frantically trying to do it all right because the Shabbat is the only thing that is certain.

When these things happen, take a minute. Just stop and take a step back.

Keva and Kavanah. Routine and Intention.

When the routine is broken, it is easy to let things spiral. Then we find ourselves simply performing Keva.

You have to stop and remember why you are doing this in the first place. What does the Shabbat mean to you?

Reset yourself. Do something out of order that brings you joy. If singing the Shehecheyanu make you happy then sing that first. Do you just love the Chad Gadya song but it's no where near Pesach? Belt out a line or two or the whole thing.

It's the Kavanah that really counts.

Maimonides once said, “Prayer without kavanah is no prayer at all. He who has prayed without kavanah ought to pray once more. He whose thoughts are wandering or occupied with other things need not pray until he has recovered his mental composure. Hence, on returning from a journey, or if one is weary or distressed, it is forbidden to pray until his mind is composed. The sages said that upon returning from a journey, one should wait three days until he is rested and his mind is calm, then he prays.”

If your Shabbat isn't going well, then redirect how your Shabbat goes. I'm pretty sure G-d won't mind if you do things out of order or sing holiday songs at the wrong time of year. If this is what you need to do to find relaxation and what you need to properly find your rest and devotion, then do it. If you need to read Ruth instead of the normal Halftorah, then read some Ruth.

There's enough stress going on right now for the Jewish community. You have to take one day a week to step away from it. Let yourself be happy. Let yourself say "Well that isn't going well. We're eating the Challah early today."

[nyxmisfortune]

Hermittober day 2-Time

Paring- Bdubs x reader

Warnings-Angst

Summary-You thought being in the life games would be fun, and it was. For awhile.

Notes-Day two! Hurray! I did not watch Bdubs's POV in Last Life, so if it isn’t perfectly accurate. I’m terrible at angst, and I’m sorry about that. And also, all of my fics for this month are pretty rushed and aren’t of great quality. I’m really sorry about that. I’ll be skipping day three as well.

Time was always an odd concept to you. Sometimes it can go so slowly, others it feels like you’ve just barley opened your eyes and it’s time to fall back asleep. 

Today was one of those slow days. Usually it wasn’t slow on the life server. It felt as if your brain knew something it just wasn’t willing to tell you. 

You roll out of bed and find that Bdubs was already awake. Your lover had always been in early riser in all the years you knew him. You on the other hand preferred staying up at night and sleep in late. There were many days were Bdubs practically had to drag you out of bed in the mornings, and days were you had to cling to him to get him to stay with you ater you’d pulled an all nighter.

After a moment of looking you didn’t find a note from Bdubs anywhere. You quickly got up to go ask Cleo and Scar if they knew were he went. Instead, you find him in the kitchen. You walk over and hug him as he cooks. You can’t help but smile as you feel him laugh. It vibrates his stomach and erupts out of his mouth.

You wish things could still be that way.

All you could hear was the loud dinging of a clock in your ears as your timer starts to run out. 1 minute left. You just prayed Bdubs wouldn’t have to see you die. And of course, your prayers weren’t awnsered. Bdubs walked into the room. “.....Y/n?” You weakly look up a him. “Oh um… Hi Bdubs” 

He drops to his knees next to you. “Why didn’t you tell me?” He whispers, looking at the clock in your hands. “I didn’t want to worry you…” “Worry me!? You’re going to die soon!” Bdubs begin to panic. 

“Hey, Hey no- You’ll see me after, you know that.” You try to reassure him, but it didn’t quite seem to work. You only wish you had more time. “That doesn’t make losing you any easier.”

“I know, I-” You could feel the air leave your lungs. You could barely hear Bdubs frantic screaming. Youl fall back against the wall as you begin to see spots in your vision. The only thing you can hear is the ticking of a clock. It only gets louder the less time you have.

Sometimes time goes slowly. Sometimes it goes to fast. Right now, you wern’t quite sure what you wanted. For this to be slow, so you can stay here for just a bit longer, or fast so you can go home. It’s not like you had a choice anyway. You heard the clater as your clock fell o the ground and shattered. 

Times up.

[jiliansky-blog]

God of dreams. Chapter 4

Pairing: Morpheus x FemaleReader

Rating: PG

Words: 3300

Morpheus was a god of dreams. That was a lot to think over. I almost waited for him to take me to his world, while I was sleeping, but he didn’t do this. But I was touched that he told me his secret. He was different and he doesn’t look like any man I know. And when I was thinking about him, my heart beats fast. Oh no, that was a dangerous path. I was too close to breaking our arrangement. But it’s something that I can’t control I’m afraid. I was planning to flirt with a stranger. And I start to fall in love with him. But if my love can help him, I will do whatever I can. This time he surprised me. He was already waiting for me on the terrace. And smirked, when he saw me. “Oh, did you sleep?” I asked. “I don’t need to sleep”, he replied. “Why?” “You came too early here”, I smiled and sat right in front of you. “Are we planning to go to some other place?” “If you want to”, he nodded. “I want to have some decent breakfast and coffee”, I said. “Very well”, he said. “Then I will take you to the place which we visited yesterday, we can take food with us and go to the beach”. “You liked the picnic, admit it”, I smiled. “I like the good company”, he smiled. “Do we have time before the next excursion?” “Yes, plenty”, I said. And he took my hand as usual and we went to yesterday's place, he ordered food and coffee and we went to the closest beach.

I couldn’t help but sit too close to Morpheus and he didn’t mind it. I felt like it was the rightest thing in the world to do. “Did you sleep well?” he asked. “No nightmares?” “No”, I was enjoying everything this morning. “Actually I thought I met you in my dreams, but it didn’t happen”. “My apology”, he said. “I was busy and I didn’t realize that you want to visit my realm. Or to meet me in your dream”. He smirked and I blushed. He teases me, I realize. But two can play this game. “Of course, I do want to visit your realm”, I replied. “And of course I want you to be part of my dreams”. There it goes. He was blushing. The cutest thing in the world. “You did this on purpose”, he admitted. “I don’t know, what you are talking about”, I replied, smirking. And then he leaned to me and captured my lips with his. I forgot about the food and kissed him back, hugging his neck. Oh, I didn’t realize I craved this. “I missed you”, I whispered. “In your sleep?” he asked. “Yes”, I put him closer. “I want you to stay today with me. It's rather lonely without you there, you know?” “Are you sure?” he asked in a husky voice. “Yes”, I have the urge to drag the man to my cabin right that moment. But we have plans. And I decided that waiting will be worth it. “Very well”, he nodded. Something in his eyes said to me that I won’t be able to wait all day. But at least he will be with me all this time. We finished our breakfast and still have time on the beach, but then we should go to the guide. Today we have a tour of the Acropolis. “Places blessed by gods”, I noticed. “And abandoned by them”, Morpheus said. “Did you have time, when people pray to you?” I asked. “I’m not a god”, he said. “And?” I asked. “I don’t need prayers to exist”, he said. “But ancient Greeks believed that I was a god and did pray sometimes”. “Did it help you?”I asked. “Yes”, he smiled. “I don’t need prayers, but people still believe in me deep inside their hearts. That is why I exist I think”. “So now you will never disappear”, I smiled. “If I will believe in you with all my heart”. “Only if I want to”, he smiled but sadly. This smile makes my heart squeeze with pain. He didn’t think about it for real, didn’t he? “I hope, you won’t”, I said. “It would be sad if humanity lose you. I wouldn’t want it”. “Why?” he asked. “Because you are a miracle”, I replied. “Not just because you are an immortal entity, but because you are a handsome, clever, kind, and gentle man”. He blushed again and smiled not with a sad smile. “I am also arrogant, selfish, and cold”, he whispered. “I didn’t see this side of you yet”, I admitted. “For me, you are the most charming man alive”. “I’m not man”, he smirked. “And technically not alive”. “Perhaps, it’s explained “the most charming part”, I smiled. “It’s wonderful”, he said. “What?” I looked at him. “You see me better than I am”, he replied.

“Maybe you are better than you think”, I admitted. Acropolis turned out to be ruined. But once upon a time, it was a city full of people, who believe in gods. “Did people of ancient times make wishes to you?” I asked. “Sometimes”, Morpheus said. “It was like a goodnight prays”. “And what do they wish for?” I asked. “For casual things, but more often for good dreams”, he replied. “Now people rarely make wishes before sleep”. “You didn’t hear my wish yesterday”, I smiled. “Oh?”He raised an eyebrow. “Now you will never know”, I smirked. “Cruel woman”, he smiled too. “Let me disagree with this statement”, I said. “I still can be persuaded tonight. Perhaps, I will whisper it into your ear”. “Oh, now you have my interest”, she replied.

We were for about an hour under the sun. And now we were allowed to visit the café nearby, which of course has high prices for tourists. Fortunately, that wasn’t a problem for Morpheus. He definitely wanted to spoil me. “I want an ice cream”, I said. “And a lemonade”. “Very well”, he said, fulfilling my wishes. “You are spoiling me”, I said, when he brought me my order. “It’s only the begging”, he said. “Can I spoil you?” I asked. “You have already done this with your attention and kind words”, he said. “No one ever told me such things”. “Shame”, I smiled. “What are we planning to do next?” Morpheus asked. “I don’t know really”, I said. “I would like to walk around a town with you if you don’t mind. Maybe, we will find some interesting place”. “I don’t mind”, he smiled. We listen to the history of the place once more and I imagined Morpheus in some black chiton or something, as a Greek god. Might be very sexy. “You are daydreaming about me”, he whispered. “Or so now you are reading my dreams?” I smirked. “Your dreams were too loud”, he replied. “Oh?” I smirked. “You were thinking about me”, he admitted. “I did”, I smiled. “I would like to see back then. And I would like to see your realm. It must be beautiful”. “One day you will see it”, he said. “But can you show me?” I asked. “Perhaps”, he smiled. “Oh, you are so mysterious again”, I rolled my eyes and smiled. “You like my mystery though”, he smirked. “I do”, I replied

When we return to Athens, we went to the city. I was hungry already. We buy some food in the shop and went to the shore. “I would close this moment in the bottle”, Morpheus said suddenly. “So it can stay with me forever and nothing changes”. “We still here”, I said. “Why are you so sad?” “You won’t stay with me forever”, he sighed. “No one ever has”. “Do you want me to stay with you?” I asked.

“I want to”, he said. “But it would be difficult”. “Why?” I asked. “We can’t be with mortals”, he sighed. “The consequences will be disastrous. And I don’t think that you can stay with me”. “Because you are arrogant and cold?” I asked. “No, I don’t believe in that”. “You know for three days and a half”, he replied. “I don’t know if I’m capable of a long and happy relationship. I was nothing but a disappointment for other people. Everyone says that I’m a hard person to deal with”. “It’s not true”, I reassured him. “I’m sure, you won’t hurt me. And I promise to not hurt you in the future too”. “It’s not that simple”, he sighed. “Then explain”, I looked at him and kissed his cool cheek. “I want to help you”. “Perhaps, another time”, he said and then kissed me as he was thirsty his whole life and I am the water.

I kissed him back. His kisses and touches were melting me and making me forget the entire world. I wanted him to forget the rest of the world too. I wanted to tell him what I feel. Wanted to tell him that I would like to be with him for more than one week. But I didn’t know how he reacts, and I didn’t want to ruin this moment. “You are too delightful, my little dreamer”, he whispered. “I don’t want to hurt you, and I don’t want to ruin you”. “So won’t”, I said. “Come with me, I know the place you like”, Morpheus said and help me to stand up.

I followed him through the city. And eventually, we came to the one of restaurants. I heard the music in this place. “Shall we dance then?” I asked. “I don’t dance, Melory”, he said. “So why do you bring me here?” I asked. “Let’s go, it will be fun”. And I grabbed his hand and took him to the dance floor. He pouted displeased, but then took the initiative in his hands and started to lead. “I don’t like this dance”, he said, swaying me. “Oh, I think you are enjoying yourself”, I laughed. “That’s not exactly a dance”, he noticed. “But it’s fun”, I said. “I don’t like it, but I like the sound of laughing”, Morpheus confessed and suddenly I was pressed close to him. “I think as much as I love your smile”, I whispered. “My smile?” he asked. “Yes, you have a very charming smile”, I said. “I would like to hear you laugh. You are always so restrained. Why?”

“My laugh is not so charming”, he answered. “Others said it’s a terrible sound. So I don’t want to frighten you with it”. “I don’t think you will scare me with your laugh”, I said. “But even if it's weird I would like to hear you laughing”. “Does a smile, not enough?” he asked. “It is enough”, I smiled. “But anyway…alright, I don’t want to push you into anything. Just saying, that you don’t need to be afraid of scare me”. He smiled and suddenly kissed me. His kisses always make me forget about the world around us. And I kissed him back. “We made quite a show here”, I whispered. “Do you want to go somewhere else?” Morpheus asked. “No, I would like dinner with you for now”, I smiled. “And a wine. And then we can go somewhere else”.

“As lady wishes”, he smiled. And we picked the table outside, while everyone else there applauded for us. We ordered a sea dish and whine and got cocktails for free. “It made my day”, I smiled. “Do you always like to dance in public?” Morpheus asked. “No, only with you”, I said. “If my friends see me now, they wouldn’t recognize me. And I hope I changed in a good way”. “I don’t see anything bad in you”, he admitted. “Wonderful”, I smiled and made a sip of a cocktail. “You are really something”, he smiled. “No, I’m ordinary”, I said. “I can’t believe that I caught the attention of the god of dreams. Thank you for being with me”. “You saw something in me, that no one saw before you”, he replied. “You saw me out and share your time with me”. “I’m happy to help you”, I smiled. We finished our dinner and then walked around the city one more time. My head was a little bit dizzy from the cocktail and wine. “Do you like this city?” I asked. “This city is alright I guess”, he said. “Not the most terrible”. “What city do you like most?” I asked. “I don’t know”, he said. “London, I think”. “I’m from London”, I bit my lip and then looked at him. “How do you think we can meet there after our vacation?”

There came silence. He was considering my words or perhaps, he was thinking about his future plans. “Do you want to see me more?” he asked. “Of course”, I smiled. “You want to break our arrangement”, he admitted. “Well, if you can meet me after the vacation, why not?” I said, trying not to panic over his reaction to my proposal. “Why not indeed”, he just said. “You don’t mind, don’t you?” I asked. “I’m not”, Morpheus replied. “I just thought that we can leave it as a good vocation dream and not…complicate things”. “What if I want to complicate things with you?” I asked. “Very well”, he nodded. “I hope, you won’t change your mind”. “I won’t”, I smiled, silently sighing with relief. “I won’t refuse the most amazing man of my life”.

He kept silent, and I knew what he thinks about. About all the flaws he had. “I know that you are not perfect”, I said. “But no one is perfect. Me neither. Sometimes we love people enough to accept their flaws”. “Oh?” he asked. “Don’t tell me, no one ever does this to you”, I said. “No”, he sighed. “Everyone left eventually. I'm almost used to it”. “No one can used to it”, I said. “It hurts every fucking time”. “Did this also happen to you?” Morpheus asked. “Yes, unfortunately” I nodded. “You can’t used to people leaving. And you can’t used to them breaking your heart. And doesn’t matter how many times you tell yourself that it won’t hurt this time”. “Indeed”, he agreed. “I suppose, it won’t help you, that you are not human”. “No, it doesn’t”, he nodded.

“I’m sorry”, I sighed. “You don’t need to apologize”, he said. “It’s not your fault”. “So now you’re afraid to be left with a broken heart, when are ways are parted, right?” I asked. “You are afraid of pain”. “I can’t afford it now”, Morpheus replied. «But I don’t want to break your heart”, I said. “We are doomed to be apart”, he said, “It’s only a matter of time”. “No, I don’t want to believe it”, I said. “We can make it work. Can you just trust me? A little more? Please?” “It doesn’t depend on me or you”, he sighed. “But I trust you”.

And I kissed his cool cheek and then took him to the cabin. I want to forget about my loneliness tonight and so does he. “Do you really think it’s a good idea?” he asked. “Why not?” I smiled. “Do you want tea or something?” “No, thank you”, he replied. “Do you want wine?” I asked. “No, you are already drunk enough”, he admitted. “How rude”, I noticed.

I wanted to go to the kitchen, but he caught me by the hand and put me closer. I was sure I saw stars in his eyes. “Everything is alright”, he whispered and kissed me. I melted into this kiss. His lips taste like wine and the kiss became more impatient. I pressed closer to him. “You taste good”, he whispered. “Then continue”, I whispered back. And I took him to my bedroom. He looked around curiously. “It small, but comfortable bedroom”, he admitted with a smirk. “Are you teasing me?” I asked. “Perhaps, a little”, he said before undressing me. His hands left goosebumps on my skin. And I looked him in the eyes. “You’re beautiful”, he whispered. “May I?” I asked, blushing and touching his black clothes.

He nodded and I began to undress him. I didn’t even remember when I undress someone the last time. Especially a man. “I’m not going to disappear from your touch”, he whispered and make me laugh. “You don’t have to touch me as I am made of porcelain”. “I just…nervous a little bit I suppose”, I smiled. I took out his black shirt and was stunned by his white skin and muscular body again. He was perfect. Strong, but thin, as I like. “Do you enjoy the view?” he teased me again. “Pretty much”, I smiled.

And he kissed me again. Passionately. His hand wandered on my body and in the next, we were on the bad. He kissed my neck, and my shoulders, leaving marks there. Touching and kissing every part of my body. “You are stronger and braver than you think”, he said. “Is that so?” I smiled. “You don’t believe?” he asked. “Of course I do”, I smirked. “Just teasing”. And I was punished by a little bite. He kissed me for a very long time. And then he undressed fully. “I wanted you”, he whispered. “You have me”, I replied.

And then he took me and everything else disappeared. We made love for a few hours and I was completely exhausted but happy. “How are you?” he asked, looking softly. “Yes”, I smiled. “Can you stay?” “If you wish”, he smiled in response. “Don’t disappear”, I whispered, laying my head on his chest. “I won’t”, he promised. So I let sleep took me. I finally was fully content.

Morpheus I was lying on the bed and thinking that I was perhaps on the edge of breaking my part of the agreement too. I am a hopeless romantic as Death once told. I can’t help myself. This woman saw me out and broke my walls easily. Falling in love was as easy as breathing. Especially when she doesn’t see all my bad sides. I let my mind slip into the Dreaming. Lucienne was glad to see me again.

“My lord”, she smiled. “Is everything okay? How does your vocation go?” “Good, Lucienne, thank you”, I nodded. “Very good actually”. “I’m glad, my lord”, she replied. “Can I be honest?” “Of course”, I nodded again. “You look much happier than a week ago”, she noticed. “How can you tell?” I asked. “You smiled and looked like some burden was taken out of your shoulders”, she said. “And we are all happy for you”. The burden of my loneliness. But some other for placed in my heart. “She is mortal, Lucienne”, I said. “You know what it means”. “Well, you kissed, dated, and spent a night together”, she said. “And I didn’t hear about any catastrophe yet”. “Yet”, I repeated. “Maybe, nothing will happen”, Lucienne admitted. “What are you going to do now anyway? Are you going to leave her?” “I don’t know yet”, I said. “I’m afraid I fall in love again. This time it’s easy. She sees beauty in me and trusts me and appreciates everything I do. And she does it as easy as breathing too. I don’t understand how it’s happening.” “It's love, my lord”, she smiled. “I learn from books that it’s illogical. I don’t think you should leave her”. “If I won’t leave her”, I sighed. “She would suffer and lose everything else. I don’t want to be the reason for her ruinations”. “Then you need to work something up”, she said. “Together, my lord”. “I already have tried to find the answer”, I replied. “But I didn’t succeed. I don’t want to hurt her. I won’t”. “You won’t hurt her, my lord”, she smiled. I wasn’t sure about this. And I was willing to do whatever I can.

@shadowqueen1318 @mypsychoticlove @justathirstyhoe​@ladymoztaza

[astershere]

A deal with god

I have returned with the offering of brotherly angst featuring Diluc and Kaeya (I'm writing, a shocker, I know, writer's block is kicking my ass so hard)

So have this angst piece with a happy(?) ending that I bullshitted out in 3 hours, too scared to stop so the inspiration doesn't die.

This hasn't even been properly proofread so mistakes may have slipped in, it's 3am and I'm getting tired

CW: Talks about death, a mention of potentially killing someone (No killing actually happens)

Spoilers for Diluc and Kaeya's character stories

Summary: Kaeya goes to Mondstadt's archon with a rather unusual request and Diluc is not amused

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As the citizens of Mondstadt slept peacefully in their homes, a lone hooded figure could be seen exiting the city. The figure slowly made its way to Windrise, dropping to its knees in front of the large tree and beginning to pray quietly. After finishing its prayer, the figure lifted its head, pulling the hood off of his face. He pulled out some offerings, setting them down at the foot of the Statue of the Seven before returning his prayers for the god of Anemo to appear.

Hours passed with no sign of the Archon, and the man began to grow desperate. Just as he was about to give up and head home, the wind picked up, forming a barrier around him and the tree. The man lifted his head to look at the tree in front of him, eyes filling with hope for the first time in years. Soon, a winged figure holding a lyre appeared in front of the man.

”Kaeya Alberich. What for, do you seek your Archon so desperately?”

Kaeya lowered his body in a bow, carefully thinking back to how he’s heard people address the Archons in the past ”O’ mighty god of Anemo, Barbatos, I endlessly thank you for gracing a mere Khaenri’ahn heathen like myself with your presence”

Barbatos nodded, gracefully motioning for Kaeya to stand up. ”Please, raise your head and share your woes, then let the wind carry them wherever it goes”

Kaeya warily stood up before Barbatos spoke up again.

”What do you seek, dear child?”

Kaeya’s face fell serious. He could feel the tiniest tug of hesitation in his heart. Is he really ready to let it all go? Perhaps if someone had stopped to talk to him on the way here, he’d have changed his mind, gone back home and moved on with his life... The hesitation subsided just as fast as it appeared and he looked up at the god in front of him

”I wish to make a deal”

The Archon sighed and closed his eyes ”Very well…”

There was a knock on Diluc’s door.

”Rise and shine, son! We have a long day ahead of us!”

Diluc heard his father’s hearty laugh outside the room and stretched.

”Coming!”

The redhead got out of bed and walked over to his wardrobe to get changed.

”I have work today so I should change straight into my… uniform…?”

Diluc shook his head.

”I must still be half-asleep, getting confused by my work uniform” he chuckled to himself, but couldn’t quite shake the uneasy feeling growing on the back of his head. The young knight shrugged, blaming it on still being groggy and headed down for breakfast.

The breakfast was unusually quiet. Both father and son were just silently eating until Crepus called out to his son.

”Hey Diluc?”

The young man was snapped out of his thoughts by the voice.

”Yes, father?”

”Is everything alright? You’re being uncharacteristically quiet”

Diluc looked surprised ”Oh, everything’s fine, I just have this odd feeling…” He trailed off before shrugging, brushing it off with a small smile ”I’m probably just tired”

Crepus smiled and nodded ”That’s good, as long as you’re okay”

Diluc’s uneasiness kept growing as the day progressed, reaching the point where he could no longer concentrate on his work. He was sitting in his office with his head in his hands, trying to figure out why he was so out of sorts today. He felt like his memories were wrong, like his father wasn’t supposed to be here, like he wasn’t supposed to be a knight.

The man was brought back out of his head by a knock on the door. He shook his head, tidying his clothes and straightening his back before calling out.

”Come in”

A worried Jean entered the room.

”Hello, Jean. What brings you here?”

The woman sighed before sitting down opposite of Diluc

”I just wanted to check in with you, you haven’t really been yourself today”

The blonde paused for a moment before carefully continuing

”...Are you missing sir Kaeya again?”

Diluc felt a stabbing pain in his head and winced. His thoughts were getting even more mixed up, a memory flashing in his mind.

Diluc was standing in pouring rain in front of the winery, glaring daggers at a crying Kaeya. He couldn’t tell why, but he was overwhelmed by pure wrath and betrayal coursing through him as he pulled out his weapon, ready to attack.

”Diluc!”

He was brought back to reality by Jean’s worried voice. Her hands were holding on to his arms, as if holding him stable.

”What happened? Are you okay?”

Diluc looked at her for a moment, gathering his thoughts.

”Where’s Kaeya?”

Jean stared at the man dumbfounded before her expression morphed into one of compassion and worry.

”Diluc… He died years ago, remember?”

Diluc felt his heart break at her words. That wasn’t right, Kaeya was alive and well, he didn’t- Realization struck him like lightning from clear skies. All these memories were wrong. It was his father who died, not Kaeya.

Diluc turned to Jean.

”Could I have the rest of the day off? I… have to take care of some business”

Jean looked at him with a worried expression and smiled softly.

”Of course”

Diluc was sprinting through the streets at full speed and busted into the Angel’s Share.

”Woah, Master Diluc, where’s the fire?” Charles chuckled from behind the bar.

Diluc completely ignored the bartender’s question and asked his own

”Where’s the bard?”

Charles pointed up and Diluc ran to the second floor, scanning the room with his eyes. As he spotted the familiar bard dressed in green, he made a beeline to his table.

Venti looked up as he noticed someone sit across him, swirling the fruit juice in his glass.

”Ah, master Diluc. What brings you to me?”

”What did you do?”

Venti fell serious at the question, looking down at his glass.

”So you’ve noticed... I have to say, you caught on much faster than expected”

”Just tell me what you did!”

The bard sighed heavily and looked up at Diluc again.

”Last night, Kaeya came to Windrise, praying for hours on end for Barbatos to appear. I eventually did, and he asked me to make a deal with him”

Diluc’s breath hitched in his throat.

”Wh- what kind of deal?”

”He wanted to switch places with master Crepus”

Tears welled up in the redhead’s eyes.

”You mean he..?”

”Yes. He asked me to alter history so that he was the one to die instead of your father on that day”

Diluc felt his heart shatter at those words, desperation filling him.

”But why? Why would he do that?”

Venti looked at Diluc empathetically.

”I take it you don’t remember much about the real past?”

Diluc shook his head.

”Please tell me…” his voice cracked as he choked down a sob. He just couldn’t understand why Kaeya would do that. Sure, he loved his father but that didn’t mean he’d rather have a dead brother.

Venti nodded solemnly.

”As you wish… As you already know, in the real past master Crepus was the one to die on your 18th birthday… That very same night Kaeya came clean, telling you he was from Khaenri’ah, and that he was sent to Mondstadt as a child to serve their interests''

Diluc’s face turned into shock as he realized what happened in the memory. He covered his mouth with one hand and closed his eyes as he began sobbing harder, realizing what he had done.

Venti smiled sadly and placed a hand on Diluc’s shoulder.

”I see you know what happened that night… You attacked him…”

Venti pulled a dull gray Vision from his pocket and placed it on the table.

”This is the only reason he survived… He received a Cryo Vision during that fight. If he hadn’t, you would’ve overpowered and likely killed him…”

”The two of you were never the same again. You treated each other coldly and never got along. You held onto that feeling of betrayal, not listening to his attempts to explain. Kaeya raised his guards, never letting anyone in again and fired back at you with just as bad an attitude… Despite all this, he still loved you dearly. All he wanted was his brother back”

Venti paused as Diluc broke down into sobs again, patting his shoulder and waiting for him to calm down.

”Just tell me when you’re ready if you want to hear more”

Diluc weakly nodded for Venti to continue, his shoulders shaking.

”You grew more and more distant, until yesterday Kaeya decided to ’fix everything’ as he phrased it”

Diluc looked at Venti with bloodshot eyes.

”You can fix it, right?”

His voice cracked as he sobbed.

”Please tell me you can fix it…”

The bard let out another sigh.

Diluc practically leaped out of bed the next morning, looking at the two Visions resting on his nightstand. His own Pyro one was glowing bright red as usual, and next to it was a Cryo one, glowing and cool to the touch as it should be. Tears welled up in his eyes as he grabbed the Visions and rushed to his brother’s old room.

Kaeya woke up to Diluc rushing into the room and tackling him in a hug.

”Woah, hey, what’s all this about?” The blue haired man chuckled, trying to figure out what happened. He wasn’t supposed to be here, he was supposed to be dead.

”You idiot!” Diluc shook Kaeya’s shoulders.

”Why would you do that?!”

Kaeya looked at him, confusion evident on his face.

”What do you mean why? To give you the life you want and deserve, obviously!”

”The life I want? Do you really think I want you dead?”

”Do you really think I don’t? You tried to kill me!”

Tears began streaming down Diluc’s face again.

”I’m sorry… I wasn’t thinking straight, but… I never hated you… I just didn’t know how to approach the subject anymore after the fight”

Diluc pulled Kaeya into a tight hug.

”Never do something like that again, okay?”

Kaeya smiled softly and hugged Diluc back, now crying himself.

”I promise”

Diluc pulled away from the hug to look at Kaeya, smiling.

”Welcome home, brother”

[lizzybeth1986]

Character Playlist: Hayden Young

I realised this year that even though Hayden's was the first appreciation week I'd ever organised, I had never gotten around to creating my own playlist for them. And I've always had songs I associate with them...so I figured now would be the best time to compile them!!

Most of them deal with similar themes of self-discovery and love - both themes I find in abundance in Hayden's story. There are three foreign-language songs, for which I'll attach the translations - one Hindi, one French and one Japanese.

Tagging @haydenyoungappreciationweek and @sazanes for HYAW Day 1: Indescribable! Find the Spotify list here!

On a Day Like Today - Bryan Adams

On a day like today the whole world could change

The sun's gonna shine, shine thru the rain

On a day like today no one complains

Free to be pure, free to be sane

In the Lap of the Gods (Revisited) - Queen

No beginning, there's no ending

There's no meaning in my pretending

Believe me, life goes on and on and

Forgive me when I ask you where do I belong

Indescribable - Olivia Broadfield

Too indescribable

I've got to think it over

When you kiss me like that.

Too indescribable

I've got a sinking feeling,

I don't like where this is at.

It's My Life - Bon Jovi

This ain't a song for the broken-hearted

No silent prayer for faith-departed

And I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd

You're gonna hear my voice when I shout it out loud...

All the King's Horses - Karmina

There is a reason I'm still standing

I never knew if I'd be landing

And I will run fast, outlast

everyone that said no...

Safar - Masala Coffee

Duniya ik kitaab, padhna hai pura

The world is a book; I will read every page of it.

Raahi hoon main hamesha...

I am a traveller, I have always been...

Nayi duniya nayi ruhan

New worlds...new souls...

Rahat har raah deti hai

Every road gives me solace

Safar hai takhti musafir ki

The voyage awaits its voyager

Manzil ki parwah kahaan...

Who cares where the destination is!

Lyrics and Translation

What was I Made For - Billie Eilish

Think I forgot how to be happy

Something I'm not, but something I can be

Something I wait for

Something I'm made for

Alone Part II - Alan Walker, Ava Max

We all need that someone

who gets you like no one else

Right when you need it the most

We all need a soul to rely on

A shoulder to cry on

A friend through the highs and the lows

I'm not gonna make it alone

anatomy - kenzie

It's just anatomy, you're only half of me

And still, you don't know me at all

You've been my missing piece, so why aren't you missing me?

Guess I meant less than I thought

(while the original context of this song was about the singer's feelings about her father's abandonment of their family, I thought the lines worked well for a Hayden thinking about a parent that didn't exist 😞)

Sun - Sleeping At Last

Our once barren world now brims with life

That we may fall in love

Every time we open up our eyes

I guess space, and time

Takes violent things, angry things

And makes them kind

Dernière Danse - Indila

Je remue le ciel le jour, la nuit

I move mountains, day and night

Je danse avec le vent la pluie

I dance with the wind the rain

Un peu d'amour, un brin de miel

A little love, a bit of honey

Et je danse, danse, danse, danse, danse, danse

And I dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance

Et dans le bruit, je cours et j'ai peur

And in the noise, I run and I'm scared

Est ce mon tour

Is it my turn?

Vient la douleur

Here comes the pain

Dans tout Paris, je m’abandonne

Throughout Paris, I abandon myself

Et je m'envole, vole, vole, vole, vole

And I fly, fly, fly, fly, fly

Lyrics and Translation

Then You Look At Me - Celine Dion

Day by day

I find my way

Look for the soul and the meaning

Then you look at me

And I always see

What I have been searching for

I'm lost as can be

Then you look at me

And I am not lost anymore

orion - Kenshi Yonezu

Even in dreams, my heart is somehow never at its best—

So don't bother worrying... about my grievances and tears.

Pulling a string from my unraveling sweater, I constantly tried to weave a constellation,

Using our fingers as the stars.

It ended up so terribly haphazard that we both had to laugh!

If you were truly there with me in that moment... that's more than enough

Lyrics and Translation

You Gotta Be - Des'ree

Listen as your day unfolds

Challenge what the future holds

Try and keep your head up to the sky

Lovers, they may cause you tears

Go ahead, release your fears

Stand up and be counted

Don't be ashamed to cry

[feedingtheflockministry]

A Prayer to Hold Fast to God

“Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him; I will protect him, because he knows my name. When he calls to me, I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will rescue him and honor him.” - Psalm 91:14,15 (ESV)

You may have heard it said that the only things guaranteed in life are death and taxes. I must say that something was left out of that list. Difficulties, troubles, tough times, and really hard situations. It seems that not a day goes by when someone I know faces some sort of hard, some sort of difficult struggle. Whether small and irritating or absolutely devastating and life-changing, we all have many moments in our lives that drop us to our knees as we pour out our cries to the Lord.

A few days ago, I heard someone speak words that sent me to the depths of despair. There seemed no hope in this medical diagnosis. I felt my heart drop, my thoughts began to spin, my breathing became shorter and shallower. Cries of no, and why swirled around my head as they crashed into the more focused thoughts of there must be another way through this, there has to be a solution!

No matter what life throws at us, we can find strength in this Bible verse. These words from Psalm 91, penned so long ago, by a man who lived a life filled with many troubles, can fill our hearts with hope. The way through the darkness, the troubled times are found in the beauty of these words.

Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him. Know the Lord, seek to grow closer to Him, search to find Him in the pages of the Bible. Hold to the promises found in Scripture, make them a part of your every breath and He will deliver you in the midst of that fear of the diagnosis, the pain of your broken heart, the worry of your thoughts.

I will protect him, because he knows my name. These powerful words are a reminder to us that we must know God. We must know the power of His name and understand His character. Each moment of our lives, whether filled with good or with pain, we must learn to know Him more, to cling to Him deeper, to pray to Him in sincerity and humility, and to fall more in love with Him. He is a good Father, and He will protect those who are His children.

When he calls to me, I will answer him. When we call on Him, when we pray to Him, He will answer! When the answer comes, trust Him. Perhaps he doesn't answer in the way that you want but remind yourself that it's in the way that He deems best. He alone knows the future; He is God.

I will be with him in trouble, I will rescue him and honor him. He will rescue you and He will honor you. That honor could be fulfilled by answering your prayer in exactly the way that you want, or it could be that He honors you in some other way, in a way that glorifies Him as it brings you peace, a deeper understanding of who He is and an opportunity to become more like Jesus. No matter the news, the relationship struggles, the pain and turmoil that you are walking through, He promises that He will be with you in your trouble.

So, in the midst of the unknowns and the ‘what next’ questions that flood your mind, turn your eyes back to Jesus. Rest in Him, trust Him. He promises to deliver you, protect you, answer you, be with you, rescue you and honor you. Those are the truths that you can know that you can focus on as you go into your next moments and into every situation that stands before you. He is God, and He is a good God who loves you, hears you and stays with you through every single breath of your life. Remind yourself that you are never alone in the midst of your troubles when you have the God who created everything and who loves you so incredibly right there by your side holding you through them.

Let’s pray:

Dear Lord,

Thank you for these words of promise. You are a God who keeps your word. Be with me today as I cling to you in every one of my situations. Deliver me from the traps and lies of the enemy. Protect me from the fiery arrows that are falling down upon me. Answer me Lord when I call. Rescue me and honor me Lord as I cling to you, as I look to you, and as I love you with every cell in my body. May others see you through the way that you fulfill your promises in my life.

In Your name, I pray, Amen

By Tiffany Thibault

[roman-catholic-mass-readings]

8th February >> Mass Readings (USA)

Wednesday, Fifth Week in Ordinary Time 

or

Saint Jerome Emilian

  or

Saint Josephine Bakhita, Virgin. 

Wednesday, Fifth Week in Ordinary Time 

(Liturgical Colour: Green)

First Reading Genesis 2:4b-9, 15-17 The Lord God planted a garden in Eden and placed there the man whom he had formed.

At the time when the LORD God made the earth and the heavens – while as yet there was no field shrub on earth and no grass of the field had sprouted, for the LORD God had sent no rain upon the earth and there was no man to till the soil, but a stream was welling up out of the earth and was watering all the surface of the ground – the LORD God formed man out of the clay of the ground and blew into his nostrils the breath of life, and so man became a living being. Then the LORD God planted a garden in Eden, in the east, and he placed there the man whom he had formed. Out of the ground the LORD God made various trees grow that were delightful to look at and good for food, with the tree of life in the middle of the garden and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

The LORD God then took the man and settled him in the garden of Eden, to cultivate and care for it. The LORD God gave man this order: “You are free to eat from any of the trees of the garden except the tree of knowledge of good and evil. From that tree you shall not eat; the moment you eat from it you are surely doomed to die.”

The Word of the Lord

R/ Thanks be to God.

Responsorial Psalm Psalm 104:1-2a, 27-28, 29bc-30

R/ O bless the Lord, my soul!

Bless the LORD, O my soul! O LORD, my God, you are great indeed! You are clothed with majesty and glory, robed in light as with a cloak.

R/ O bless the Lord, my soul!

All creatures look to you to give them food in due time. When you give it to them, they gather it; when you open your hand, they are filled with good things.

R/ O bless the Lord, my soul!

If you take away their breath, they perish and return to their dust. When you send forth your spirit, they are created, and you renew the face of the earth.

R/ O bless the Lord, my soul!

Gospel Acclamation cf. John 17:17b, 17a

Alleluia, alleluia. Your word, O Lord, is truth: consecrate us in the truth. Alleluia, alleluia.

Gospel Mark 7:14-23 What comes out of the man, that is what defiles him.

Jesus summoned the crowd again and said to them, “Hear me, all of you, and understand. Nothing that enters one from outside can defile that person; but the things that come out from within are what defile.”

When he got home away from the crowd his disciples questioned him about the parable. He said to them, “Are even you likewise without understanding? Do you not realize that everything that goes into a person from outside cannot defile, since it enters not the heart but the stomach and passes out into the latrine?” (Thus he declared all foods clean.) “But what comes out of the man, that is what defiles him. From within the man, from his heart, come evil thoughts, unchastity, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, licentiousness, envy, blasphemy, arrogance, folly. All these evils come from within and they defile.”

The Gospel of the Lord

R/ Praise to you, Lord Jesus Christ.

----------------------------

Saint Jerome Emilian 

(Liturgical Colour: White)

(Readings for the memorial)

(There is a choice today between the readings for the ferial day (Wednesday) and those for the memorial. The ferial readings are recommended unless pastoral reasons suggest otherwise)

First Reading Tobit 12:6-13 Prayer and fasting are good: but better than either is almsgiving accompanied by righteousness.

The angel Raphael said to Tobit and his son: “Thank God! Give him the praise and the glory. Before all the living, acknowledge the many good things he has done for you, by blessing and extolling his name in song. Honor and proclaim God’s deeds, and do not be slack in praising him. A king’s secret it is prudent to keep, but the works of God are to be declared and made known. Praise them with due honor. Do good, and evil will not find its way to you. Prayer and fasting are good, but better than either is almsgiving accompanied by righteousness. A little with righteousness is better than abundance with wickedness. It is better to give alms than to store up gold; for almsgiving saves one from death and expiates every sin. Those who regularly give alms shall enjoy a full life; but those habitually guilty of sin are their own worst enemies.

“I will now tell you the whole truth; I will conceal nothing at all from you. I have already said to you, ‘A king’s secret it is prudent to keep, but the works of God are to be made known with due honor.’ I can now tell you that when you, Tobit, and Sarah prayed, it was I who presented and read the record of your prayer before the Glory of the Lord; and I did the same thing when you used to bury the dead. When you did not hesitate to get up and leave your dinner in order to go and bury the dead, I was sent to put you to the test.”

The Word of the Lord

R/ Thanks be to God

Responsorial Psalm Psalm 34:2-3, 4-5, 6-7, 8-9, 10-11

R/ I will bless the Lord at all times. or R/ Taste and see the goodness of the Lord.

I will bless the LORD at all times; his praise shall be ever in my mouth. Let my soul glory in the LORD; the lowly will hear and be glad.

R/ I will bless the Lord at all times. or R/ Taste and see the goodness of the Lord.

Glorify the LORD with me, let us together extol his name. I sought the LORD, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears.

R/ I will bless the Lord at all times. or R/ Taste and see the goodness of the Lord.

Look to him that you may be radiant with joy, and your faces may not blush with shame. When the poor one called out, the LORD heard, and from all his distress he saved him.

R/ I will bless the Lord at all times. or R/ Taste and see the goodness of the Lord.

The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them. Taste and see how good the LORD is; blessed the man who takes refuge in him.

R/ I will bless the Lord at all times. or R/ Taste and see the goodness of the Lord.

Fear the LORD, you his holy ones, for nought is lacking to those who fear him. The great grow poor and hungry; but those who seek the LORD want for no good thing.

R/ I will bless the Lord at all times. or R/ Taste and see the goodness of the Lord.

Gospel Acclamation Matthew 5:3

Alleluia, alleluia. Blessed are the poor in spirit; for theirs is the Kingdom of heaven. Alleluia, alleluia.

Either:

Gospel Mark 10:17-30 Go, sell what you have and give to the poor; then come, follow me.

As Jesus was setting out on a journey, a man ran up, knelt down before him, and asked him, “Good teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?” Jesus answered him, “Why do you call me good? No one is good but God alone. You know the commandments: You shall not kill; you shall not commit adultery; you shall not steal; you shall not bear false witness; you shall not defraud; honor your father and your mother.” He replied and said to him, “Teacher, all of these I have observed from my youth.” Jesus, looking at him, loved him and said to him, “You are lacking in one thing. Go, sell what you have, and give to the poor and you will have treasure in heaven; then come, follow me.” At that statement his face fell, and he went away sad, for he had many possessions.

Jesus looked around and said to his disciples, “How hard it is for those who have wealth to enter the Kingdom of God!” The disciples were amazed at his words. So Jesus again said to them in reply, “Children, how hard it is to enter the Kingdom of God! It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for one who is rich to enter the Kingdom of God.” They were exceedingly astonished and said among themselves, “Then who can be saved?” Jesus looked at them and said, “For men it is impossible, but not for God. All things are possible for God.” Peter began to say to him, “We have given up everything and followed you.” Jesus said, “Amen, I say to you, there is no one who has given up house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or lands for my sake and for the sake of the Gospel who will not receive a hundred times more now in this present age: houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and lands, with persecutions, and eternal life in the age to come.”

The Gospel of the Lord

R/ Praise to you, Lord Jesus Christ.

Or:

Gospel Mark 10:17-27 Go, sell what you have and give to the poor; then come, follow me.

As Jesus was setting out on a journey, a man ran up, knelt down before him, and asked him, “Good teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?” Jesus answered him, “Why do you call me good? No one is good but God alone. You know the commandments: You shall not kill; you shall not commit adultery; you shall not steal; you shall not bear false witness; you shall not defraud; honor your father and your mother.” He replied and said to him, “Teacher, all of these I have observed from my youth.” Jesus, looking at him, loved him and said to him, “You are lacking in one thing. Go, sell what you have, and give to the poor and you will have treasure in heaven; then come, follow me.” At that statement his face fell, and he went away sad, for he had many possessions.

Jesus looked around and said to his disciples, “How hard it is for those who have wealth to enter the Kingdom of God!” The disciples were amazed at his words. So Jesus again said to them in reply, “Children, how hard it is to enter the Kingdom of God! It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for one who is rich to enter the Kingdom of God.” They were exceedingly astonished and said among themselves, “Then who can be saved?” Jesus looked at them and said, “For men it is impossible, but not for God. All things are possible for God.”

The Gospel of the Lord

R/ Praise to you, Lord Jesus Christ.

---------------------------------

Saint Josephine Bakhita, Virgin   

(Liturgical Colour: White)

(Readings for the memorial)

(There is a choice today between the readings for the ferial day (Wednesday) and those for the memorial. The ferial readings are recommended unless pastoral reasons suggest otherwise)

First Reading 1 Corinthians 7:25-35 A virgin is anxious about the things of the Lord.

Brothers and sisters: In regard to virgins, I have no commandment from the Lord, but I give my opinion as one who by the Lord’s mercy is trustworthy. So this is what I think best because of the present distress: that it is a good thing for a person to remain as he is. Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek a separation. Are you free of a wife? Then do not look for a wife. If you marry, however, you do not sin, nor does an unmarried woman sin if she marries; but such people will experience affliction in their earthly life, and I would like to spare you that.

I tell you, brothers, the time is running out. From now on, let those having wives act as not having them, those weeping as not weeping, those rejoicing as not rejoicing, those buying as not owning, those using the world as not using it fully. For the world in its present form is passing away.

I should like you to be free of anxieties. An unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord. But a married man is anxious about the things of the world, how he may please his wife, and he is divided. An unmarried woman or a virgin is anxious about the things of the Lord, so that she may be holy in both body and spirit. A married woman, on the other hand, is anxious about the things of the world, how she may please her husband. I am telling you this for your own benefit, not to impose a restraint upon you, but for the sake of propriety and adherence to the Lord without distraction.

The Word of the Lord

R/ Thanks be to God

Responsorial Psalm Psalm 45:11-12, 14-15, 16-17

R/ Listen to me, daughter; see and bend your ear.

Hear, O daughter, and see; turn your ear, forget your people and your father’s house. So shall the king desire your beauty; for he is your lord, and you must worship him.

R/ Listen to me, daughter; see and bend your ear.

All glorious is the king’s daughter as she enters; her raiment is threaded with spun gold. In embroidered apparel she is borne in to the king; behind her the virgins of her train are brought to you.

R/ Listen to me, daughter; see and bend your ear.

They are borne in with gladness and joy; they enter the palace of the king. The place of your fathers your sons shall have; you shall make them princes through all the land.

R/ Listen to me, daughter; see and bend your ear.

Gospel Acclamation

Alleluia, alleluia! This is the wise bridesmaid, whom the Lord found waiting; at his coming, she went in with him to the wedding feast. Alleluia!

Gospel Matthew 25:1-13 Behold, the bridegroom! Come out to meet him!

Jesus told his disciples this parable: “The Kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins who took their lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom. Five of them were foolish and five were wise. The foolish ones, when taking their lamps, brought no oil with them, but the wise brought flasks of oil with their lamps. Since the bridegroom was long delayed, they all became drowsy and fell asleep. At midnight, there was a cry, ‘Behold, the bridegroom! Come out to meet him!’ Then all those virgins got up and trimmed their lamps. The foolish ones said to the wise, ‘Give us some of your oil, for our lamps are going out.’ But the wise ones replied, ‘No, for there may not be enough for us and you. Go instead to the merchants and buy some for yourselves.’ While they went off to buy it, the bridegroom came and those who were ready went into the wedding feast with him. Then the door was locked. Afterwards the other virgins came and said, ‘Lord, Lord, open the door for us!’ But he said in reply, ‘Amen, I say to you, I do not know you.’ Therefore, stay awake, for you know neither the day nor the hour.”

The Gospel of the Lord

R/ Praise to you, Lord Jesus Christ.

[sweetswesf]

Check In

What I Did

Cleaned

Shopped for a new pair of jeans

Sent some friends some Christmas gifts

Led my professional black software engineering group last minute after the original leader couldn't make it

Online shopped for some Carhartt overalls

Reread an old journal...it happened to be a retelling of one of the hardest moments in my relationship with my mom that I think about often

Got invited to ride down to LA by a person I thought didn't want anything to do with me...she may just be using me, but, hey, whatever, I benefit from this situation too...

What I Learned

A lot of people care for me

Don't wait...tomorrow is not promised

But also...wait on God...

Don't be so quick to write people off

Don't be so quick to give people so much information

Feeling

A lot of days recently I have been feeling lonely despite the outpouring of support and check ins I've been receiving...I really want a romantic love...a friend asked if I was talking to anyone, and since about February of this year, I've had NO ONE that I was talking to in a sort of flirty stage

I know God has something great for me

Impatient...impatient for love, friendship, a new job, my family situation to get better, the scale to go down, to move...I constantly have to remind myself, "just wait..."

Bad that I doubted some folks...

Kinda paranoid, NGL, but I need to remind myself God's at the helm

Sad I've got looks from so many companies, some of which I really want to be at...and I am just not prepared...despite me working really hard...

Reading old posts I made made me really sad...I repress so many bad memories that, reading it back, made me feel a bit better about taking this time away to heal...it was so long that I had to stop reading...so much stuff I willfully forgot the minor details of but never forgot the major events and how they made and still make me feel

Kind of tired and that I need a helper...I

Shopping & internet are distractions

Nervous...I think of my gym crush a lot, but that's only because I'm more desperate for male attention right now, and he's the ONLY consistent one that I see every day...I've got a feeling that he may be curious about me but I've been wrong before and I don't want to be wrong this time because truthfully, I don't think he's who I should be with...not sure if it is lust, loneliness, or if it would actually be good to explore a relationship with him...it's times like these where I need to just go with my gut and listen more in my prayers about it

Hearing that another colleague has already done about 40 algorithms and I have only done a fraction of that, made me feel like I've been wasting time, but I have been making progress...I do need to make a little more though...time goes by fast

Glad that I waited on God and didn't go down to LA, because now I've got a trip out...and I bought the 2nd plane ticket by accident, but I guess it wasn't an accident, because now I'm going down and will use it on the way back up!

Takeaways

I should read the resources my therapist recommended

I want to stop dwelling on the past

I'm going to switch up my study schedule and focus more on algos

I'm not sure if I'm ready to stop being so hard on myself...I don't know if I am or not...

How I Got Myself Out of a Rut

Cooked for myself and ate the food that I had in my fridge, not the pizza I knew I really wasn't going to like after a few bites or food from elsewhere

Prayed

Finally decorated my Christmas tree

Goals Completed

Found a therapist

Stopped listening to people worried about their own circumstances and remembering God works on his own time and that I am in no rush...

Got back on the ball

Being kinder to myself and stopping guilting myself if my energy isn't always on 100%

Goals After Today

Strengthen my relationship with God

Understand the main concepts I need to from Interview Cake, AlgoExpert, etc. in 6 months, NOT less than 3

Drop my body fat percentage to Marion Jones, Michaela Cole, or Jade Cargill levels

Consistently fight urge to fill up my time with social media/YouTube

Fully forgive my family & build a great relationship with them

Be more confident & faithful

250 steps/hour & 10k steps/daily consistently

Drink more than 64oz a day consistently

Go on a date with a guy I actually like who actually likes me too

Learn more about my gym crush & get him to ask for my number

Get a house similar to that one in Spain

Update my personal app