#thr only thing i did this weekend is work but it feels like i didnt actually do anything at all

[goatboard]

ah anxiety....

[chappedlipjournal]

I had a dentist appointment last friday and it went shockingly well. And im very pleased about that. But i was so anxious all day. Couldnt focus. Couldnt work. It was genuinely horrible. I decided to get a treat afterward but they made my order wrong and thr guy who took my order was really condescending about it and i couldnt see what i had ordered because the screen wasnt working. So then i decided to go back but the road was closed and a guy yelled at me for it bcuz i had to turn around. And i ended up having a melt down in my car. Which sucked a lot honestly. It was just too much. By the time i got home i was pretty miserable. So i decided to watch heartstopper.

And its such a cute show. And for the most part light hearted. But the last episode really caught me off guard. Theres a brief mention of charlie's self harm. Which i didnt see coming at all. I knew he struggled with an ED that was most likely to be explored more. But I had no idea that he cut too. Since I was already feeling pretty bad it immediately triggered me. Like shivers down the spine triggered me. And i could feel it. I didnt relapse.

But i think for the first time i saw/felt what other people may have seen when they looked at me. I saw this boy, this young boy, who had so much inside him. So much hate and disgust and anger and i think in some ways grief. This toxic sludge he was just stuck in so he did the only thing he could think of. And i saw him and i realized that no one should feel like that, no one should be made to feel like that. And that's the first time I've ever really FELT that. I knew it logically. I wouldn't want anyone to go through how i felt between 12-16 roughly. But I saw Charlie sitting there, knees to his chest, and I thought this boy should have never hurt like that. I should have never hurt like that. I've never included myself in those statements before.

I don't think any of it has ever really clicked for me before. I see those affirmations and I believe them logically but I didn't feel them. And I think I do now. I think heartstopper fundamentally changed the way i think about my own self harm. Which is the last thing i expected from this show. Like genuinely.

And i thought more about charlie over the weekend. How he wants control. How he doesnt eat sometimes. And i know when i was like 13/14, I was on the presipice of an eating disorder, anorexia most likely. I was restricting quite heavily. I was fixated on the mirror. I wanted to be smaller. I wanted to be thinner. I wanted my clothes to be loose. I would eat cough drops for breakfast. I would pick the tiniest plate i could for dinner. I would eat in my room. I was calorie tracking. I was working out on an empty stomach. I know if i had continued down that path that i would have developed an eating disorder without question. And im conscious of that time period in my life even today. Whenever i think abour restricting or tracking what i eat or trying to shape my diet in such a way that i could get better results in the gym, i dont because im scared i will fall into that same mindset. I dont think that this is a relationship that i can fix on my own anymore than i already have,

But i think about all this and i think about charlie skipping breakfast. I think about him saying he ate somewhere else. Teenage me is like him in so many ways. And I just never expected it.

And then, Nick asking Charlie to promise to tell him if it ever gets that bad. I just. I think it's a well meaning gesture. It comes from a place of care and concern and love. But honestly, I can think of nothing worse that a loved one could make me promise. Because I would inevitably fail to tell them. I would keep a secret. This is 100% informed by my own experience, which I think is closer to an addiction than not. But i just see it as setting myself up for failure. And i really really hope that the show did not set up charlie for failure on that account.

But seeing nick and seeing the way he looked at charlie, how he listened, how he cried and hugged him. Im just mind blown.

And that sort of led me to my third point this weekend. And i think im angry. I think im angry that experts dont really understand non-suicidal self-injury. I havent been able to do a lot of research on it for a while. But the supporting evidence and the body of literature that i am familiar with is just so lack luster and ambigious. And it infuriates me when i think about it because charlie deserves better, i deserve better.

One line in heartstopper completely reshaped my world view and im still coming to grips with that honestly. But it feels like a massive step toward healing. A step i didnt know i needed.

Now i just really need netflix to not fuck it up. Based on what i have seen, i think the cast and alice oseman care deeply. But after the shit show that was 13 reasons why (which i used to watch to trigger myself on purpose) i dont really trust them.

I wish i could shout this revelation from the rooftop but i cant so this anonymous tumblr blog will have to suffice.

[billionairesitgirl]

Do you have any tips to help someone who keeps failing? I have been trying for several years now to get started and feeling more and more hopeless every year. I have attended $$$ events, lost weight, moved closer to major cities. Then of course COVID struck and made things worse. Is there something I can do that can help me gain an "in" or are certain things just not meant for some girls.

KEEP TRYING !!!

Yes i screamed it...  but that’s because thats the most important thing in succeeding.

Secondly Congrats on taking the steps and trying..... 

(THIS MIGHT MAKE MAKE YOU NEUROTIC.... If you already are then DO NOT DO THIS)

The following is also important 

1.) Have you asked your self why you keep failing?

Take a pen and paper and spend an entire day by yourself. Think, play things over in your head and Analyze.... This is probably the only time i truly suggested, over analyzing the crap out of your life, decisions, faliures and successes. 

(a) What mistakes, do you keep making? or What mistakes do you think you keep making. 

(b) what makes them mistakes 

(c) Would those actions have worked out better in something else or displayed to someone else 

(d) who and/or what would this action work on

2.) List your obstacles ... Every single one you could think of... 

Make 3 categories

 .....Obstacles you have gone through - What caused it? who caused it? (Regardless of who caused it... You owe some responsibility... so still own up to it... But remember BE KIND to yourself...) 

There is a fine line between being kind to yourself  and completely absolving yourself of any responsibility when owning up to the responsibility of things gone wrong

......Obstacles repeated - How do you NOT repeat this Again?

.......Obstacles Imagined and Obstacles that could still happen (based on different things, character flaws, finances, men’s personalities, race, looks, nature) Get as detailed as needed.  

Man plans and God unplans ... 

However, as humans we have ability to at least create contingencies... try to come up with possible contingency plan and POSSIBLE action on how to still not stand still when one of those obstacles appear... Basically figure out another way to scale through, wiggle through, swim through... whatever way (As long as there is life, health and will... there is a way.... After all people have clawed out of dungeous using only a stick or even their finger nails)

3.)  What have you tried that didnt work? or keeps failing... List it

4.) What ever #3 is that didnt work... What is the alternative that you haven’t tried. 

5.) Clearly you see this as an investment if you have lost weight, moved etc... What is missing in the picture? (I don’t know you, nor have I spent time with you or know your thinking process or views... So this is something even if you dont know what is missing... You have to sit and think... Sleep on it, give it time but remain introspective but be mindful to know when clarity presents itself. 

Being brutally Honest with yourself is the only way to know what is missing and where you are missing. 

Example: I met a gorgeous black girl A few months ago. From the get go, I knew she was hypergamous... The men also knew. But there was something missing and i couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Until we were all talking with the men present. 

She carried herself as a pretty girl, sweet and bubbly... But she made the mistake of trying to emulate the white woman’s countenance... So she could be doted on same as a white woman... I can’t explain this in detail.

But while it is good to emulate things noteworthy in other people... She lost her self and her own personal spark.  As a black woman... She avoided the pitfalls of a stereotypical black woman (quote on quote)... in the process, she mistakenly lost her goddess quality and blended in with the rest.  The men moved on from her. 

My Point is: WHAT IS MISSING... Are your run of the Mill? What is your core

6.) Standard - 

Do you have set standards? expectations of yourself and of the Men and of your surroundings?

Do you keep it? Do you up hold it or do you switch or lower it under pressure? 

Not to give too much information... I refused to live in the poor neighborhood when i moved off college campus. I lived in a condo and lived Smack in the center of the wealthy part of the city. I was not in this lifestyle then... But it was simply my standards... And even though it meant staying on campus longer till i got it... I did that.

Example 2: I have friends who do not care what hole they enter to get entertained (granted you can meet people anywhere)... But I am not the type that goes out very often... So why will i waste my few outings in some frat boys bar or club. So I go to high end places.

Example 3: I met a man who recently sold his company with upwards of $80 Million... I wasn’t told... I was aware of the process and listened to him through the proceess complain about delay in the closing and trying to avoid tax etc

He was deperate to meet me in person. As a matter of fact the day he closed. He flew me to his city (I went cause i was bored).  Long story Short... He is the type of man that got lucky... There isn’t much in terms of comparison... Thinks he knows everything, thinks himself black people’s savior and makes comments such as “If there were black women like you”...  Has some racists views he doesn’t think is racists... I met his friends... I liked one (But he just recently got remarried and was the smartest of the bunch). They had pissing games who had thr most rolex collection etc... He was crazy about me... Still is even without so much as a kiss and i spent a weekend there. (Had my own hotel room)

But, I knew while the money was there, he was generous and was crazy about me... It would drive me nuts being with him and interacting with his friends... My standard here is that I won’t deal with any man who so much as stresses me mentally especially as I am a black woman... I won’t take nonsense.

My Point is : What do you compromise on that you do? It is a long road being steadfast to your standard... But it has been worth it for me.

Do not use anyone’s standard... Create your own and work on keeping it... Men will despise you for it... But respect you all the same.... It is a weird placed to be.

7.) What type of events do you attend. When you attend events, go out etc... What do you do? How do you approach these events? Do you wing it? Do you plan it?  Are you fearless and confident or shy or just pleasant enough to exchange pleasantries alone? What vibe do you give off? 

How do you dress? Different styles can come across different ways... Some ooze Sexy, some ooze elegance with a hint of sexy, some basic, some regular, some say just another event person

8.) Closer to Major cities : what part of that do you live? Even if you are not in the center of things... Where do you go when you go out? How often to do go to wealthy areas, who do you interact with there? 

There is a plethora of questions who have to ask yourself.

With Covid I have met people (but then, I work for myself and have more freedom to move around and also take mini vacation in other cities) And I already have a network... So, I have a  leg up -  

But, I know girls here and people are also still meeting people.

What is stopping you? What avenues and methods have you tried? Have you thought outside the box? 

Hopeless? No... Wrong direction... As you fail you learn things that dont work so that should make you hopeful. 

Also, I am a big beliver in manifestation and law of attraction. Feeling hopless will only make things more hopless...It will attract more faliure...

Find ways to think more positively, ways to turn negative things into potentially positive things... In this case you do not have to be rational... Imagine everything negative happening has a positive... 

e.g  : A man cancelled on you = It wasn’t meant to be... It might have turned into a terrible situation for you... Thank God or the universe for saving you from whatever it is you arent aware of. 

eg : Covid happening : Time to make more money, invest. Brush yourself up, level up some more, learn new ways to meet this men and become more resilient so you come out fire when, the world isnt tupsy turvy

e.g : Getting older: Perfect, the more sure and certain you become in yourself, the more you actually find out what makes you stand apart, the more you find out who you are and realize that whatever amount a man was going to give you last year, you’ve outgrown it with age, maturity, acheivements etc.

You get the gist.... NEVER FEEL HOPELESS

You can feel sad... But not hopeless... Dust yourself up and try again...

Maybe one day i will take time out to share some of my own short comings and faliures... Cause i think we share the successes much more;  that people think there aren’t mistakes and faliures and short comings... I have had them, and I continue to work and fix them. 

The only thing is after my introspection... and brow beating myself and figuring it out...i don’t like to dwell on the faliures... I put my self to work updating myself. Besides I think sharing more good news brings more good news and vibes... But, there isn’t anyone that can claim to not have had obstacles and faliures.

Finally: My sister beleives everyone has a destiny... But everyone is also capable of changing theirs... 

With regards to your question...  About certain type of girls ...

The Answer is NO...

Some people might find it harder, or lack the resources and know how

But trying, pushing ones self, acquiring knowlegde and doing whatever it takes (of course within reason and comfines of morality ) Is what makes the difference.

As i write... I know women who took their entire savings to go to ST Barts for New Year...  (Would I? NO) But some would... My point is. 

You will go as far as you are capable of seeing yourself go.

So if you want a change in your pattern... You have to break the wheel... Try something new you haven’t tried yet... And a new approach. 

Question for you: “Gain an in?” Into what circle do you want an in? What type of man

#hypergamy, #datingtips #sugardatingtips #sugardatingadvice #levelup #levelupadvice #sugardatingtip #sugardating

[pbandjesse]

Its my birthday!! Happy 28th birthday to me. This is an especially special birthday because its 2/17/19 and I was born on 2/17/91. And it was very special because i got to spend it with my very favorite boy. I feel so loved and happy and it's just been wonderful.

I slept alright enough last night. James was accidently pushing me off the bed. And that upset me only because I was so tired but I didnt want to wake him up. And we had left the light on and i didn't want it to be anymore. I got up to turn it off and he stole more of the bed. So I had to wake him up enough to move. I slept alright enough.

He got up and went to check out the free breakfast, and I stayed in bed until like 830. I was basically dressed and ready once he got back and we decided to have the free breakfast. It was a little colder today. But no less beautiful. 

Breakfast was a waffle but it was sour tasting so i gave up on that, and we just hit the road. To Asbury Park!

A bit farther then James originally thought but thats alright. It was about an hour and it was nice. A calm drive. We Iistened to music and got to the beach around 11. 

Once we parked we went to the beach. The sand was very soft and a bit hard to walk on. We collected shells and stones. Some sea glass. Took pictures. I touched the ocean a little. It was beautiful. 

We went up onto the boardwalk and went to the pinball museum. We got wrist bands for a half hour of unlimited play and went in. 

It was busy but not horribly so. Im not great at pinball but it felt much less high stakes just being able to keep going. We played some non pinball games to. Like ski ball. And some baseball and golf ones. I really liked the pinball ones that you had to knock stuff down and the older ones that had the flippy numbers. I was the best at the golf game though and I had a lot of fun. We really could have stayed if we didnt have other plans. James had fun too. Im really glad we got to go. 

We walked back to the main street in search of food. And I got a little upset when we couldn't find somewhere without a crazy long wait. Finally though we found a french patisserie around the corner and it was perfect. 

There was live music. Everuthing was black and pretty. They gave us muffins with white chocolate butter and raspberry jam. I got a veggie buger and it was really great and i ate sime sugar cubes because I am a child. 

But it was wonderful and I felt really happy. 

We left there and headed back to the main street, to the paranormal museum. Its also a book store, so while we were early that was all good. We looked around. Watched some of thr video. And then hsd our tour of the museum. 

At first it was just us, but another couple joined us. The girl was very scared of everything and that honestly made it better. She had great reactions. I knew some of the stuff. Like the mourning jewelry and some haunted dolls.  But I learned some stuff and the place for sure had some energy about it. Im a believing sceptic if you know what i mean. But i felt very effected by the space. I got to hold one of the haunted dolls and was very jokey about it. But then I started getting hot chills all the way down my chest to my toes. And i didnt want to freak everyone out so i gently told the tour guide and she did some smudging of sage just in case. The feeling went away after that. 

It was fun and weird. There was a singing couch. And we got to play with EMF readers and i jokingly said i would check my furby and she set it out a whole bunch. So furbies are haunted just fyi. I had a really good time. At the end though both me and James knocked things over and made a ton of noise and thankfully didn't break anything but we couldnt stop laughing. 

We went to some antique places next. Toys and clothes and video games. At the secons location we went to i found a ring with a hand holding a ring and i loved it. I like hands in jewlery. And so James bought that for me. Im going to turn it into a pendant. Its from Germany and it makes me really happy. 

We made one more stops for a cupcake and it was messy but really good. And I was happy and in love and it was just really nice. 

We drove around the town and saw the big church and all the neat houses and it was just really fun. I had such a good day, a great birthday. 

We headed back to our hotel after that. It was a long drive. And we got a little turned around in the dark. James got a little upset at the beginning because we needed gas and were having trouble getting to a place. But it all worked out.

We listened to podcasts. Made one pit stop. And once we got back to town we drove around main street deciding what to eat. We chose an Italian place abd got fries and a salad and pizza, and everything was good. Service still weirdly bad in a fairly empty restaurant. But everyone was nice. And I was tired but with my boy and happy. 

And now were at the hotel. Getting ready to sleep. Tomorrow were going to walk around the town a bit before we go to the nature center and then back to Baltimore. James has given me an excellent birthday weekend. And I am so I grateful to him. And to everyone who sent me well wishes and to my family who I love so much. I hope you all sleep easy tonight. Be safe out there!

[prissypickle]

I did it

One year ago today I finished highschool. One year ago today I finished the toughest journeys of all times. Highschool was probably one of the worst experiences of my life. There was so many people who ruined it but there was so many people who made it better for me. My freshman year I attempted suicide and was admitted to a mental hospital and and no school wanted to take me in. At the time Fir Ridge Campus didn’t take in freshman. So I had no choice but to drop out. David Douglas straight up told me that I couldnt go there. I had too many problems and They couldn’t give me an education. In spring of my freshman year I enrolled in an online school called metro east web academy. Of course with all my mental health issues I had no motivation to do any of it. In the end I only got one credit for it. And that was for creative writing. I’m with ICTS which is where people come outd to your house three times a week for therapy. So I was with them for six months. It was hard saying goodbye. But then I went yo seeing a therapist once a week. I was still cutting often. But back to my schooling, I didn’t do anything and my mom was so pissed at the david doglas school district because the refused to put me in a school and finally she wrote a three page nasty letter saying how I needed to be in a school and thats how I got to fir ridge.

My freshman year I was so scared. I couldn’t tell you how scared I was. I didn’t go to school. I was fucked up in the head, cutting and I didn’t know anyone. So I didn’t really talk to anyone on my first day. But within a few days I met a small group of friends that I could relate to. Which was great. The next best thing was that there was a school counselor and a therapist that came to the school. So on top of going to seeing a therapist once a week I went to see him once a week. He was from Trillium services. He was a great therapist. I saw him from 45 minutes to an hour. My school counselor was mamed Michael and he was probably the best counselor anyone could ask for. He understood me. When I needed my space he let me sit in the office or library and do my work. When I had my mental break downs he gave me a quiet space. He was amazing. I have terrible anxiety with loud noises and whenever we had a firedrill I would cry and have a panic attack when there was he warned me and brought me to the office telling me when so I wasnt as afraid. As I said. He was the best school counselor anyone could ask for.

I had this friend. Her name was Iris. I cared for her so so much she was my first friend I made in middle school and she went to a diffent school but she had problems at the time and so she was looking into my school and I was thrilled. But before ahe came she also had issues and so she went to a rehab place. I called her family every day to see how she was doing. I sent flowers and cards because well, wouldn’t a best friend do that? When she got out she started at Fir Ridge Campus a bit later. I was so happy we reunited again. We started having sleep overs and everything. Okay? But one time during a sleepover she stole her parents credit card and bought something, which was a peircing kit and I had no idea so she came to my house when it was delivered and took it before I was home. I’ll also mention around two years ago she stole my ipod. But anyway so this happened and it happened once more but with tea but ahe sent it to her house instead of mine. So her mom was like “you arent ever allowed to see her again” blaming me for her daughter peircing herself. That was the hardest thing for me to hear because she was my best friend. Or so I thought she was. I believe this was all happening during my Junior year or late sophomore I cant remember it was so hectic. Ill come back to this bitch a little bit later.

But my Junior year I did this amazing thing called camp pheniox. That was the second the best and worst part of highschool. Its a two day overnight camp plus 4 weeks of after care. During the two nights you broke yourself down talking about the horrible things in life and at the end you are rebuilding yourself and raising up into a pheniox. During the process you did multiple activites which were happy, sad and heartbreaking realizing how fucked up and broken you were on the inside. One of the days you clumb a tree and tell everyone what you committ to. And I said I committ to my family and my support system. And then you had to walk on a tightrope with another person and jump when you couldnt do it anymore. And the other classmates are completely in control of the rope and your harness. Then the second activity we did was get in a harness and go up and your classmates pull you up until you say stop. Basically a gaiant swing okay. So I was letting go past teachers which I will get on explaining to more. And then letting in good teachers and then you yank it and I did a 90 foot free fall and holy shit was that fun. As i said it was the best and wors part of it because i landed up in teen intensive outpatient because I was cutting and I was extremely depressed.

But back to the teacher thing. There was a history teacher her name was Karen and she was a bitch to me. She hated me. And She KNEW i struggled with anxiety and she KNEW that I hated being with loud people and so I always needed to go to the office to see a counselor and I always finished up my work at home. And finally she was like you have to go to detention to finish this. And so Im in the office complete sobbing and my council waves it off. And other time with her was when my counselor talked to her about it she didnt talk to me for 3 DAYS like seriously she was so immature. Then When I came back from thr weekend she didnt call on anyone else but me. Then at the end of the week there was a new seating chart and I came in late because I was talking yo the trillium therapist okay and she shows me my seat and Im calm and I say no. And shes like yes. And I calmly explain to her why I cant go sit next to him because be gave me anxiety. And then she PROCEEDS to yell at me infront of the whole class who is now stairing at me and Im completely crying now infront of the class go to the principals office to fucking write me a refferl because i was arguing with her. Which the princapal immediately threw it out. The princapal at the time was absolutely amazing. She took me out on the track as I cried and walked with me.

So my junior year is happening and I went to camp pheniox and outdoor school it was great okay. So I went to outdoor school for my third session and I broke my ankle and had to stay home for a week and you remember this Iris girl who is my best friend??? Well not anymore. When I was away at outdoor school where I couldn’t DEFEND myself she went to the counselor and said. That I raped her and drugged her with majauana. And In like balling my eyes out because Im so fucking confused and why she did that. And so the counselor literally asked if I did it and Im like what the fuck do you really think I did it. And Im like crying at her because Im so upset. Like who in the right mind would accuse someone of rape. I mean I work with children. I was a swim instructor at the time. If she went to the police I could’ve been arrested and fired from my job which she didnt go because she knew she was a lying skank ass bitch. Also they couldve drug tested me because I wasnt even smoking at the time! And so Im in the office and my counselor is like “what are you feeling?” And I littlerly upfront say” I want to punch this bitch in the face,” she she looked at me “you cant do that” and Im like “no shit I cant do it. I want to but tgat doesnt mean I am going to.” And she sighs like after and hour of fuming she tells me Im not allowed to tell ANYONE and Im like fine whatever.

But I go to my momma jill and tell her and I like an crying to her and shes just holding me. But seriously then the vice principal calls me in during third period to talk more about what happened ALSO i had a freaking alliby because I was at fucking teen Intensive outpaitent during the time she accused me! Basically it was a whole clusterfuck

. It got 100% worse when there was an assembly and youll never guess who was running it the skank ass Iris. So she started talking about rape. And then she says “someone here raped me” and then she looked over at me. I kid you not. And my dad was there and he stood up and I cant remember exactly what he said but it was along the lines of “you shouldnt accuse anyone of rape either,” he said or something like that Im to busy crying and my teacher holding my hand. Finally my dad comes over to me and says were leaving. So my worst fear now the whole school knows that Iris accused me of rape and drugging her. So im literally in the gym having the WORST mental breakdown of my life and I mean screaming at the too of my lungs dropping to the knees hitting the floor. There was the security guy and Joey one of the teachers along with the princapal and vice principal trying to calm me down. And my dads crying because hes upset because of what Iris had said. And they told me to stay home for a few days until I could calm down.

So I came bac the following monday. I was so depressed I wanted to die. I almost had another suicide attempt but I thought about Taylor Swift and how I would never get t meet her and that just made me hold onto life just a little bit longer. So by the end of the year it was time for prom and so I was nominated for.... you guessed it prom court equivalent to prom princess/prince and can you guesd who was nominated too? That bitch Iris. So we were BOTH up against each other and trust me I was NOT going to let her win. So I baked my ass off and probably made over 200 cupcakes and fed them to the entire school and when I was time for prom. I won. I won prom princess. That was the best night of my entire life. My entire highschool carrer I felt normal. Everything was perfect

. Soon my Junior year ended. And summer came and went and my Senior yesr started. I only needed 1 credit to graduate .5 government .5 global studies. So I took government first which I got like knocked down a ton because i refused to do presentations because i hate speaking infront of a class but I still passed with a A. Then global studies I REFUSED to take with Karen again. So I did 5 at least 250 page packets in one quarter. And I still graduated early two quarters early. I started school my sophomore year because they didnt count it as a freshman and ended my senior year. I worked my ass off. And I graduated in 2 1/2 years. I graduated. I did it. I made it. Evern after a suicide attempt. Witnessing my mom attempt suicide my sophmore year, Iris accusing me of rape. All of that and I still graduated and I was second in class too. I’ve never been more proud of myself in my entire life. I didnt think id ever make it here. I thought in 2014 I was going to die. But I didnt. I’m still here. Alive and succeeding in life. Im a caregiver now. I’m getting my CNA in July. I made it. I did it.

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

Vacation news (Greece at end)

Me: well talk to Jesse about it!

Jesse: Hell no! Don't talk to me! I'm,leaving thr state! I'm going to Orlando!

Me: is that why you are staying in my hotel suite?!

Jesse: Hell yes! And tell every body!! Stay away from me!!

So Jesse James and Alexis Dejoria will possibly share their double queen room, an armored combat league knight and i will share a king bed room, Declan and Annie will share a double queen room and our couch will have a child hood's friend mom. And then we will be roaming rooms together, solving mysteries.

So we got these 3 bedroom suites with full kitchens and stuff.

And we have knights and friends rotating couches and ... Also the Banditos. And Banditas and law enforcement and my crazy family, a few NHRA for turkeys to help finish details on Greece and hosts guests we haven't seen in a long time to show they are loved and appreciated.

So we have full protection and guns and thanks to Alexis and I, fatties got beautiful swim suits and we are gonna have fun.

And no one and not even bad memories will get in the way because for the first time in over 3 decades we will be all together with no intentions of doing anything else but being friends and wanted family.

Then off to Greece for the rest of the holidays and New Year with NHRA, Bandidios and Banditas to make new friends and family that won't allow decades between real time together.

Then London, Italy, Egypt, Australia.

We have a lot of work to do to help some internal cities see growth, prevent poverty and more.

Meanwhile the United States of America will be on our minds and hopes and prayers we are doing the best for our continent while abroad.

Then finally, I will be able to see my beautiful New York City, hit up Chicago, see Vegas with Declan as promised in 2002 and do all the things we hoped and promised each other, our royal friends abroad and ourselves for what feels like centuries.

And believe me we got like 5 dogs and 3 cats all trailing along with us whom we hope will find the ability to love each other and cuddle up with the inter species. Wish us luck my cats, like me hiss at everything!!

And so to Greece many are invited and if not exactly the same as every one else, some are invited to pay their own way.

So i don't want to hear complaints. Already i got Alexis complaining i wanted to send $400 USD gift baskets like every other day to all the rooms and individual people...

So I had to get cut out, totally and so Jesse and Matt and Jeremiah are gonna pay... But they nickled it up So it's more cost effective (especially for me) but does create additional work load to put together the gift baskets...

And I don't want to hear anyone else's shit.

Matt wanted flowers for him and I was all what about your girl?! And hes all....... So im all I'll give you $50

And then Alex is all "I just wanna be all baby here's a gift for you I got every day" for his woman which made me laugh. But how could i blame him?!

We met on our military base and I taught him math and he took me to his mom to get band aids when i got boo boos on the playground. So i told Lexi, add up all the stuff Matt demanded for just him and not his woman too which he then added in when I said she could go add that up if she didn't mind and then split that by his days but no more than $750 per day for his girl, cause they still get the regular gifts. This is after i told him he could only get $150 for flowers for him and her.

Surely he has enough of his own money but Alex works hard, often flying all weekend to drive multiple races in one weekend and he's an advocate for safe racing and he wins. And hes nice and makes time for intellectual conversation and to have fun. And when I gamed him money, he didn't want it. He didn't even want it for himself, but for his girl to have a great holiday. And for her to know he loves her. I can't say no to that.

So side note if yoh get a flower delivery which you will -- take them home!! And the mugs or vases or whatever they come in! They're $50 to $175 and some even more so definitely don't leave that valuable behind!

You'll want to empty the vase and press the flowers into your luggage between your clothes (or towel... Stolen? I didnt see that. Ho hum.. No really, steal a towel even if its a pool towel. They're always too small anyways. Personally i like the bath mats. Get out at home and it says Double Tree or Marriott or the Hilton is my fave and it's all plush and soft after many washes, hide it every day so everyone gets one in the suites, don't turn me in, i will rebel and steal more).

But really.

So press them into your luggage and you'll have drying flowers at home which you can vase after they fully dry so you have a nice reminder all pretty nicely preserved.

Of course also you may have been told yoh Will need to bring an empty suitcase!! A BIG ONE! plushies, blankets, robes, board games, toys, soaps! Wine glasses!

When I take the kids and although I'm very poor i try to do souvenirs and room service. Thats why we go, even if its only a pizza or dominos.

So i can't invite others and not give what I would give myself. What i would never ask another person for (except Jeremiah) and i would feel so blessed and loved to have.

And if you dont want it, send it back to me! I'll keep it or gift it again!

Now in Greece it will be slightly as extravagant but we have a two day game for Christmas and idk what that is! And if it sucks New Yesrs will pay back with Dom Periogne and personalized champagne flutes!! And already we picked out beautiful pool cover ups (i picked) and Jeremiah paid for. We expect y'all to bring swim suits... But I did pick out a beautiful style i would buy for myself and a more modest one. But both one shoulder suits. And swim skirts for those shy or are not about shaving... In sizes from small to bigger than me!!

For that we will have a mini fashion show for the girls to see the sizing and then y'all pick from the pile in an orderly fashion.

I got stuck in the stinky oily messy garage, one it's biggest and two because I offered to give up my bedroom for a 3 adult kids to share to bond and enjoy life with. Sometimes although I'm the only one that moved out of my parent's house, i really crave that sibling connection. So we figured out how to split it evenly 3 ways. And i offered to sleep in the middle of December in a yurt (teepee like) out side. So they stuffed me in the garage.

So we have big plans which are a surprise to me because I have to work at about 15 different psychological projects that are all minor but are international and state side.

So we are all so excited and looking forward to see yoh all as time allows and you allow.

Be safe. Have fun. Believe there is something better on this planet than you could ever dream of.

And a huge thank you to Lexi who is obeying all my commands and helping me so huge!!! Shes doing it all!

[pbandjesse]

Today didnt go exactly as planned but it was still a really good day. I slept pretty well last night. But Jess and her cat woke up at 730 and I was still way to tired. I stayed in bed until like 830 and was still to tired but she was up so i got up.

We got dressed for yoga and headed to brunch. We were very hungry. We walked to the diner and had a really good time. The food was really good. And I had a really nice time just being with Jess.

We went back to her apartment for a little while. Charged our phones. Played with the cat. And then walked to yoga.

I am so glad we took the class. I really liked doing that type of yoga and I think im going to look for a cheap class near my apartment. I only didnt like this one wall stretch because I had to lift my hands above my head and that hurt. But everything else was great and im super glad we did it. And my split is getting better.

We left there and walked home. Ibgot a shower and we got changed to to out. We decided to change up the schedule for the day. We would push the museum til tomorrow. And just do some shopping and have dinner and just be really chill.

We took a shuttle bus because the L train was down this weekend. But that was nice. The new buses have usb ports to charge your phone which is neat. And when we got off the bus we walked tobthr charm bracelet store.

Jess forgot her bracelet and didnt feel super inspired. But I wanted to get a few new charms. We were there for a while. Jess breifly left to go over to thr Starbucks. I got a couple really cool pieces. Like a little piggy.

We went to artist and flea next. It was fun hanging out and looking at stuff. On our way in we were stopped and asked to model some earrings. That was fun. We wandered around and looked at everything. I ended up getting a really good sauce. Its green and was good on pita. And i got a rollar ball smell good thing. A good haul. We took pictures. Jess got a kitty hair clip. We tried on glasses and it was good. And then we were heading out.

I had a weird day of finding stuff. On our way to the store i found a box of jewelry wax??? Amd then after we we're leaving I found a book from one of my favorite authors. And then I found a pack of jewelry files??? Plus i found 2 charms in my pocket?? Like they fell in? I dont understand.

Next we went to dinner with Rob. Jess's boyfriend. I like him. We got there before him. So we took a photo booth picture and looked around the ace hotel. This place has such a good aesthetic. Hunting and stuff. Good colors.

Rob bought himself a switch so he was setting that up and showing us. That was neat. And the restaurant he works in was great.

The food was amazing. I loved the first 2 things. A persimmon with mozzarella and ricotta. A big piece of toast with sheeps milk cheese and some chillis. Everything else was good but those were the best. We got to say hi to lots of his coworkers. And the genrral manager was irish and said we were beautiful. We also got a bunch of sides and soups and fries. Drinks and dessert. And then they said there wouldnt be a check. They were so kind to us. Rob ran to the atm to grt cash to give a good tip and we headed out.

We went to h&m and looked around. Rob was trying to joke by bringing us in there but we wanted to look at the home goods. So we smelled all the candles and then headed out.

We went to the Macy's and looked at the window displays. They were space and robot christmas themed?? And there were gay polar bears. It was great

It was a nice night. We were tired though so we all headed out. Caught the train to Jess's place. Rob called a car. And now were laying in bed watchinf snl and its been a really great day.

Tomorrow we are going to the Brooklyn musuem and then the holiday market and then i go back to baltimore. I am really glad j have a friend like jess.

Goodnight everyone. Sleep well.