#throwback to our first date when I told my friend that I could see myself falling in love w him one day if things worked out

[jokermoreau]

genuinely, I think i’m the happiest I have ever been lol. kinda want to cry about it. idk I just never thought i’d have something like this let alone with someone as great as my boyfriend is. kind of just thought real genuine love / a healthy relationship was something i’d never get to have because of how I look or who I am or what my background is like - i’d just be someone who always yearned and wanted that kind of thing but never get it. and yet here I am. like it’s legit happening to me and i’ve never felt more safe in my entire life . it’s not scary at all in any way and I just feel so overwhelmed with how comforting just being with him feels . what the fuck

[taylizmasterpost]

Reconciliation and Late-Stage Tayliz (September 2014 - Present)

Despite not seeing each other for a while, Taylor and Liz clearly still hold a soft spot in each other’s hearts.

During the Secret Sessions for 1989 in Nashville, fans took pictures in Taylor’s home, and you can clearly see she has photos from Charleston displayed:

When it came time to mend the fences between Taylor and Liz, Claire Callaway was the one who ended up doing it:

2 October 2014 - Claire tweets a TBT to the Charleston trip. Liz responds to it:

That seems to get the ball rolling, because when Taylor drops Out of the Woods as a single, this happens:

14 October 2014 - Taylor and Liz tweet about how much they miss each other:

Then, when Taylor walks the runaway with Karlie at the VSFS, this happens:

Taylor is with Karlie at the time, and obviously nothing romantic is happening on Liz’s end either, because...

20 December 2014 - Liz gets engaged to Bryan Brown and has dinner with friends:

16 February 2015 - Liz tweets that Taylor is badass

8 April 2016 - Liz makes this gay post on Facebook that I’d like to think is a response to Style, since the MV had come out a few months before:

And Liz seems to have found a group of gay friends...

Although, that could just be a typo.

15 July 2015 - Liz posts on Facebook that “Thanks to some really talented friends, I got to record something beautiful today. Can’t wait to share this one.” The picture she attaches definitely looks like Taylor:

Liz also tweets this:

We do NOT know where Taylor was that day. However, she performed in DC on the 1989 tour on the 14th and was papped in NYC on the 16th so it’s not impossible she was in Nashville working on something with Liz. Unfortunately, whatever they worked on has yet to surface (unless you subscribe to the theory that Liz is WB...)

3 August 2015 - Shawn Brooks releases a song called Matter of Time that was written sometime in 2014 by Liz.

Notable lyrics include:

She’s got me lovestruck, crazy Going out of my mind She’s got me lovestruck, crazy But sooner or later, she’s gonna be mine It’s just a matter of time

Don’t know what this means for Liz or TayLiz, since Liz has been with Bryan since early 2013 at the latest, but this is very gay and fun.

27 August 2015 - Thirst tweet:

31 August 2015 - Liz calls Taylor sexy in response to the Wildest Dreams MV:

15 October 2015 - Liz tweets about Better Than Revenge:

28 October 2015 -  Liz quote tweets Taylor about OOTW acoustic:

11 November 2015 - Liz responds to Caitlin’s tweet tagging Taylor about nostalgia:

9 December 2015 - Liz congratulates Taylor on her Grammy noms:

13 December 2015 - Taylor’s birthday. Liz wishes her HBD:

29 January 2016 - Liz says her favorite song from 1989 is This Love:

15 February 2016 - Liz and Taylor both attend UMG’s Grammys afterparty at the Ace Hotel Theater :

26 February 2016 - Liz posts a TBT to Charleston:

16 April 2016 - Liz and Taylor both attend Coachella:

6 May 2016 - Liz tweets about This Love:

10 May 2016 - Liz possibly writes STFU and Hold Me (likely about Bryan, since he’s out on tour with the woman he’s going to leave Liz for, signaling to me that their relationship is on the fritz):

4 August 2016 - Liz posts a throwback to the Vogue photoshoot at the Bowery.

3 September 2016 - Liz and Bryan’s last interaction on Twitter:

(Bryan had been on tour with Jillian -- who he’d later marry -- and tweeting at her all summer, much more than he’d been tweeting with Liz). It’s important to note the way their relationship ended for when we start studying who Liz’s songs are about.

26 November 2016 - Liz tweets about Clean, possibly signaling her and Bryan have broken up by this point:

13 December 2016 - Liz wishes Taylor happy birthday with a post about Charleston (captions vary based on site). This also signals to me that her and Bryan are over, since she’s reminiscing on Taylor picking her up off the ground after her breakup with Jason:

11 July 2017 - Liz tells a fan that You Are In Love and All Too Well are her favorite songs from 1989 and Red (guess her favorite song is no longer This Love…):

11 August 2017 - Liz releases STFU and Hold Me:

This MV has a LOT of parallels to the IKYWT video. The lyrics talk about “staring with a bang” (”took off faster than a green light go”?), and reckless abandon (”this path is reckless”). MV parallels are as follows (thank you @mercuryonparklane​ for all the help finding this):

(notice the key necklace?)

So, either Liz is lowkey ripping off Taylor’s work or she’s trying to signal that she was the muse for IKYWT. However, considering Liz is deliberately trying to keep her image separate from Taylor, it doesn’t make any sense that she would try and rip her off. Of course, it could just be a big coincidence...

30 September 2017 - In an interview with The Young Folks, Liz says that STFU and Hold Me is about “getting to that point in a relationship where you’re sick of going around and around talking about the same issue with your partner and it’s time to wave the white flag,” Huett says. “We’ve all been there.”

Of the lyrics “I’m coming from a line of problems / I was born and I became a product” Liz says “I’m not exactly the most polished person. I’d rather be real than perfect and sometimes that means I say things that make people uncomfortable or act out in relationships and test limits, etc… I’m an honest mess but I believe I can and should be loved in light of that. :)”

I still think this song was written about the end of her relationship with Bryan, but it’s still interesting to see how Liz describes herself in relationships.

27 October 2017 - Liz releases H8U

This is another song that I think was written about Bryan. The lyrics reference taking another woman to a Tom Petty concert (Liz LOVES Tom Petty) and generally moving on quickly with another woman, which seems apt for the Bryan/Jillian situation going on.

HOWEVER, the lyrics also reference “our first date two years ago,” which doesn’t make any sense, since Liz and Bryan didn’t break up until 2016 and were together since early 2013. So it could maybe be lyrically about Taylor.

I do think the MV makes a deliberate Taylor reference, though, with the interrupting the wedding scene. Taylor famously had Liz dress as the Bridezilla on the Speak Now album art:

And, at the end of the H8U MV, Liz DOES kiss the blonde bride on the mouth after interrupting her wedding... which is... INTERESTING (especially since Liz is dressed in full RED the whole MV):

I don’t think it’s a stretch to presume Liz could’ve reversed their roles here. IDK.

9 November 2017 - Liz makes her “H8U, love these” playlist on Spotify, which features All Too Well.

1 November 2017 - Liz obsesses over Reputation:

15 November 2017 - Taylor posts an IG story with photos of her Liz and Caitlin in Australia in the background:

13 December 2017 - Liz wishes Taylor happy birthday:

20 December 2017 - In a now deleted tweet Liz obsesses over New Year’s Day

6 April 2018 - Liz releases Don’t LV U Anymore. Here are some interesting lyrics:

I don't steal your chapstick anymore / Don't wake up to your kiss anymore / And I don't have a washer and dryer full of guitar picks anymore / 'Cause you don't come over to my place anymore / Don't flirt with my roommate anymore / And I don't run to your friends / To get them on my side when we fight anymore / And I never say it / I keep it inside / But maybe I'm wasted / Or maybe it's time to get this off my chest, babe / ... / I don't love you anymore / But I don't love you any less / I don't play you my songs anymore / To see if they're good anymore / You don't tell me your secrets / 'Cause you don't know if I keep them to myself anymore / I don't go to church anymore / Don't know what to believe anymore / And I don't remember the beat of your heart / The smell of your car anymore / ... / Two years and counting / Still got all this weight on my chest / Two years and counting / And I can't remember what I can't forget

Based on the “two years and counting” line, as well as the line about a washer and dryer of guitar picks, I’m inclined to believe this is another song about Bryan. 

However, it is a really similar sentiment to that Civil Wars song Liz posted back when her and Taylor first ended things, and the line about running to get friends on a side when fighting is very similar to the “you go talk to your friends, talk to my friends talk to me” in WANEGBT and the image in Battle/Let’s Go of all their friends standing around watching them fight. Could go either way.

9 April 2018 - Liz reposts a Facebook post announcing Dammit that implies it was written a while ago. But we already knew that.

19 May 2018 - Reputation in Pasadena. Liz attends. Surprise Song: All Too Well. Camila Cabello is the opening act.  

27 May 2018 - Liz gives an interview at Bottlerock festival where she says that Wrecking Ball by Miley Cyrus is a song she used to get over someone (likely Bryan). She also says Havana was the song she last had stuck in her head -- probably because Camila performed it at Taylor’s show the previous week.

14 March 2019 - Liz makes a happy birthday post for Antoni (who’s dating her friend Trace):

27 April 2019 - Bryan and Jillian get married:

3 May 2019 - Liz releases Nothing Personal:

This feels like DIRECT BRYAN SHADE, since she released it right after his wedding. However, you definitely could also read it as being about being let go from The Agency.

Early May 2019 - Taylor shoots YNTCD. Her and Antoni bond over their love of The National (keep in mind Taylor would end up asking a member of the National to work on exile with her):

17 June 2019 - Liz likes Taylor’s post announcing YNTCD is out:

26 June 2019 - Liz posts on IG a video of unreleased song “One of These Days” with the caption “i’m emo” Lyrics:

One of these days I’ll rise above the blue / One of these days when I get sober too / I’ll be flying high you know / Gonna say I told you so / One of these days I’ll rise above the blue / The stars will align / My heart will come back to life / I won’t have to cry anymore / Someday soon, when I / When I get over you / One of these nights I’m gonna get some sleep / One of these nights you won’t be in my dreams / I will lay this love to rest / I will miss you in this bed / One of these nights I’m gonna get some sleep / The stars will align / My heart will come back to life / I won't have to cry anymore / Someday soon, someday / When I get over you

More evidence that Liz does, indeed, struggle with the things that Reddit post suggested.

14 August 2019 - Liz posts on IG a video of an unreleased song called “I Wanted It to Be You” with the caption “I really did” and a red rose emoji. Lyrics:

I’ll find someone else to take your place / In no time at all I’ll be okay / So you don’t have to say it babe / We don’t have to cry / ‘Cause I know you got shit to do / And baby so do I / I’ll find someone else to take your place, hey / I wanted it to be you I’m closing down the bar with / I wanted it to be you I’m fighting in the car with / Who I could push away / Come back and beg to stay / Ooh, I wanted it, I wanted it, I wanted it / I wanted it to be you

Likely for Bryan BUT maybe a red rose grew up out of frozen ground with no one around to tweet it (lol I’m joking the lakes is very likely not about Liz).

22 August 2019 - Taylor releases the Lover MV, featuring the “breakable heaven” board game:

In the bottom left corner, you can spot a blue 0527. May 27th is Liz’s birthday. What does this mean? I don’t know. I absolutely do not know, but whatever it is is driving me INSANE.

28 August 2019 - Liz posts on Twitter a screenshot of her listening to Cornelia Street:

16 October 2019 - Liz comments on a fan’s video of Taylor performing at the NPR Tiny Desk concert saying “she cute”:

19 November 2019 - Liz says on IG that her favorite songs from Lover are The Archer and Cornelia Street:

22 November 2019 - Liz releases That’s What You Get. This is the one late-stage Liz song that I FULLY BELIEVE is about TayLiz due to a few very specific lyric parallels:

“That’s what you get when you recklessly fall in love” >> “This path is reckless” from Treacherous

“That’s what you get for keeping your armor up” >> “You come around and the armor falls” from State of Grace >> “I would put my armor down if you said you’d rather love than fight” from Story of Us.

“And all your friends are lining up to hate me” >> “You go talk to your friends talk to my friends talk to me” from WANEGBT >> “First shot’s fired everybody’s gathered around” from Battle >> “I can't run to your friends anymore / To get them on my side when we fight anymore” from Don’t LV U Anymore.

It also, just from an outside perspective, doesn’t make any sense for Liz to write a breakup song about Bryan blaming herself when it seems very clear to me that they broke up because Bryan wanted to be with Jillian instead. That’s not her fault. So either this is about another breakup (I’d guess Taylor, based on the lyric parallels), or she’s just very very self-loathing and won’t let herself think it’s Bryan’s fault (which both H8U and Nothing Personal don’t suggest to me).

25 November 2016 - Liz posts a video on her IG story about Taylor at the VMAs.

6 December 2019 - Liz talks about That’s What You get with Earmilk and gives an interesting quote: 

Huett explains, “This song is about facing myself after a brutal season of running from it... I made a self-destructive choice that hurt someone I really value. The angle of the chorus is really sort of a letter to me after that first long look in the mirror. It SUCKED. However, in owning my shit (and sharing this song) my hope is that listeners might apply the sad lesson without having to learn the hard way, or, if they’ve ever found themselves in the regretful position I was once in, I hope this song can at least make them feel less alone."

This is SO DIFFERENT fro mhow her relationship with Bryan ended, but matches up so well with Liz getting help and owning her shit after spiraling in 2012.

24 July 2020 - Folklore drops. Two of the songs are written by the mysterious William Bowery. One of those songs is Betty -- a popular nickname for Elizabeth. Liz tweets at Taylor about the 1 because all of Taylor’s exes wanna think that song is about them.

So, IN CONCLUSION: Liz got help and worked through her shit and they’re on good terms now. They were possibly working on something together in 2015, although that never saw the light of day as far as we know. Liz seems to maybe be referencing Taylor in her music and MVs, but there’s no way to know for sure. Better Than Revenge on the Speak Now Tour was an iconic moment of sapphic energy, and maybe, just maybe, when Taylor re-records her masters, Liz will sing backup for her again.

Thanks for reading!

[soundofseventeen]

Worldwide (Joshua Hong)

Hello! This is one that was requested by our lovely haley!! Mild throwback to our rusher days!! Have a lovely day everyone!! 💛💚

You sat on your couch, knees pulled up to your chest, staring at the package. You shouldn’t have this. You knew you should just put it back and then forget about it until Joshua got back again. But, your eyes kept staring at it, expecting it to burst into flames or open itself or do something. 

Things with Joshua lately had been… rough. You knew you loved him, and you knew he loved you, but it had been a rough patch for you two. You both knew this relationship wouldn’t be easy. When was dating an idol an easy thing to do? You got to watch him flirt with fans and say sweet things to them, but you always reminded yourself that at the end of the day, he was looking at you. He came back to you. 

But you also knew that he was tired, trying to juggle a growing career and a getting serious relationship. You knew the guilt he felt at not always being able to be there for you, no matter how much you reassured him that you understood he couldn’t always physically be there. 

While you understood, you still couldn’t help the hurt that you felt. You always saw your friends out with their partners, giggling and swinging their hands, smiles on both of their faces. You couldn’t really do that either, even when Joshua was around. He kept the skinship to an extreme minimum when you two were out, not wanting to expose anything about you two. 

You really loved Joshua, and he really loved you, but you knew you were both tired. You had this rock in the pit of your stomach, wrapped in fear that the end may be soon. 

He had just gotten back from tour, one that had been really long for both of you. You two had a weird air, Joshua giving you a tight hug before leaving and promising to be back soon. Once he got home, he basically dropped off his stuff, and then immediately had to go back to Pledis for some work emergency. He gave you a quick kiss, saying he needed to talk to you when he got back. 

You made it through most of the tour okay, but Joshua saying he needed to talk to you now? Terrified you. Considering he barely contacted you during the tour? You kept telling yourself he was busy, he had a lot to focus on while on tour. But now you were wondering if that was intentional? Did Joshua not need you? Was this tour a test to see if your relationship was something worth fighting for? Did he determine that he had to make your worst fear come true? 

So you distracted yourself until he came home. You cleaned your kitchen. You vacuumed. You read a couple webtoons online. You then decided to start unpacking his stuff, something you debated for a while. Because if he was going to break up with you, he would want to take his stuff with him, right? But why would he bring his stuff here if he was planning that? 

You had just started unpacking when you found the package. It was a simple brown package, with twine holding it together. As you picked it up, you saw your initials on the tag, causing you to furrow your eyebrows at it. 

And now you were in your living room. Staring at the package. Wondering what it was. 

If Joshua wanted to give it to you, he probably wanted to be here to give it to you. But man, your curiosity was killing you. Was it a good thing? Or was it a goodbye thing?

You jumped as your phone rang, seeing Joshua was calling you. 

“Hey.” You answered, hearing Joshua sigh. 

“Listen, I’m so sorry. I might be a little later than I planned…” 

“Really?” You asked, pouting. 

“I’m so sorry. Please go to sleep, we can talk in the morning, okay? Just get some good rest.” 

“Joshua…”

“Hey, I am coming home tonight. I promise.” He said, you letting out a sigh. “I love you.” 

“I love you too.” You muttered, Joshua sighing himself again. 

“Get some rest.” You both hung up the phone, your eyes going back to the package. You shook your head, reasoning that you would have to wait until the morning to find out. You got up, changed into pajamas and got ready for bed. You sat in bed for about 10 minutes, before you got back up, walking towards the living room. You sat on the couch, pulling the package onto your lap. You took a deep breath, opening the side of the package and pulling the contents out. 

It was… letters. A bunch of letters. A small stack of letters. Each one with your name on it. There was nothing else on any of the envelopes, just your name. 

You made a quick decision, making yourself some tea and grabbing a blanket, settling into the couch, picking up the top letter, slowly opening the envelope. 

*

Dear Y/N, 

Hey uh. How’s it going? How was your day? I’m not really sure why I’m doing this. I could just call you right now, but I thought I would try this? I don’t know, this is probably silly. But I guess it’s romantic, huh? Anyway, we just took off this morning. I always hate the look on your face when we have to leave for tour, but today it seemed so much worse. I guess that’s part of the reason I’m doing this. I really hope you have so much fun until we get back. So much fun that you have more stories to tell than I do. 

God, this was a dumb idea. xJoshua

*

Hey Y/N, 

It’s been a few days since we left now, and I just found the first letter in my bag. I still feel silly doing this, but oh well. Maybe you’ll think it’s cute or something. I’ve been thinking about you a lot the last few days. We found this dog while going to get coffee yesterday morning and I took a picture with him to show you later. I almost sent it to you, but then I remembered the time difference and didn’t want to chance waking you up. I did get the picture of you at our favorite restaurant. It made me smile from ear to ear that you ordered my favorite dish there instead of yours although your friend ratted you out and told me you also ordered your favorite to take home haha. At least you’re eating well while I’m gone! We have our first concert tonight, don’t worry, I’ll take your necklace on stage with me. It is my lucky charm, after all. 

This is still dumb. xJoshua. I’m not writing another one.

*

Y/N my own true love who I love more than Jeonghan Hello Y/N, 

So Jeonghan found my other letters. He is now making me write more of these because HE thought it was adorable. Also, excuse the crossed out part. I only have so much paper and I refuse to let Jeonghan win like this. We’re in another new town this morning, some of the guys want to go to a carnival later. I’m still debating on going or not. We don’t have the concert until tomorrow night, but traveling is tiring and I kind of want to sit by the pool for a while (yes, I’m at a pool, are you jealous? ;) ) I know if you were here, you would tell me to go with them. Just to get your voice out of my head for a bit I might go. Remember when we went to that fair? You were so cute trying to win me that stuffed tiger. I kept telling you that I was supposed to win you something since I took you on the date, but you just stuck your tongue out at me and told me to shut up. I’m pretty sure that was the day I knew I loved you. 

Ugh, I can’t show you these ever. xJoshua

PS. I went to the fair. I won you a tiger. Suck it. <3 (It’s pink) 

*

Dear Y/N, 

I’m sorry I called so late last night. I guess my timezone math was still a little off. I just needed to hear the sound of your voice for a bit. At least I got to kind of tuck you in, right? Even if it was on the phone. I’m starting to get into a habit of doing this. I still feel silly, but it’s getting easier, I think? Hosh hasn’t come back from DK and Jeonghan’s room yet, so I’m just in our room by myself right now. The moon is huge tonight. You would probably spend an hour trying to get a picture of it. I just tried, it’s not great but it’s a decent picture? No it’s bad never mind I even cracked the window open in your honor. It’s so weird. Remember how I always complained about you wanting to have the window open at night? I never understood how you slept with the cold air and the traffic noise, but it’s actually helping now. It’s not great since you’re not here to cuddle with, but it makes me think of you. Hosh usually shuts the window at some point in the night though. I promise when I come back, I’ll let you keep the window open every night if you want. 

Of course, I’m never actually showing you this, so we shall see. xJoshua

*

Hey Y/N, 

You are not going to believe this! You remember that old hand lotion you used to have? The one that smelled like honey? The one that when you ran out and we went to the store to get more and they told you it was seasonal and you cried? I FOUND IT. We were in a shop and I smelled it, so I asked the girl working about it and she showed it to me. It was a different little tube than the one you had, but I swear it’s the exact same scent. I can already picture how excited you’ll be when I give it to you. I’m half tempted to just mail that to you, but I also want to keep it with me until I get back. Then I can see your face when you smell it. I miss you a lot. More than you think. 

Only a couple more weeks. Then I’ll be home. xJoshua 

*

Y/N, 

A carat asked about you today. I was not prepared at all for that. I mean, yeah, they know about you and everything, but I was not prepared to be asked about you. They didn’t ask anything bad, just that they wanted to know how you were and if I missed you while on tour. Kind of a weird question to ask at a fanmeet but whatever I guess? I told them you were doing well and that I was looking forward to being able to see you in 2 weeks. I at least hope you’re doing well. I’m sorry we keep missing each other this week. Between my schedule and yours… We just can’t line up at all, huh? God, this almost feels worse now that I’m almost home, you know? Like, we’re so, so close but still so far away. I can’t believe I didn’t notice how distanced we’ve been. I don’t know how. You were always there for me when I needed you and now that I can’t come see you after a long day… I don’t know. You know I’m yours, right? No matter where I go or who I meet even the fans you constantly point out as pretty, which I don’t know why you keep doing that to yourself because I still stop breathing when I see you or what happens, you’re my one and only. If anything this tour just made me realize that whether it’s Paris or London or Tokyo all places I want to take you, by the way, I’m going to think about you worldwide. 

I can’t wait to see you. I can’t wait to catch you and never let go. xJoshua

P.S. That carat earlier also told me about this candy store and I may have bought you different flavors of that one candy bar you like. I hope they taste good. 

*

Y/N! 

I’m home now well, at Pledis but I felt like these needed a conclusion. Not sure why, because I’m still not sure you’re ever going to get them. But it felt weird to just… end? So I gotta write this I guess. I managed to get the next few days off because some guys are going home for family and such, and I intend to annoy the living hell out of you. I gotta make up for lost time, right? Hopefully we can pick up right where we left off. I plan to get those spicy noodles you love on the way home. That will be a good start to our days together. I can’t wait to remind you just how much I love you. I’ll even listen to you read those gross cheesy books you like to read I don’t know if you know this but you make the cutest face when you find something cute you read and it makes my heart just U W U We’re getting called into a meeting now, but I’ll be home in a few hours. I love you. 

Maybe these letters weren’t a terrible idea. You still might not get them. xJoshua

*

Joshua smiled to himself, picking up the envelopes with folded paper inside. He glanced at you, sound asleep on the couch, the last letter barely hanging from your hand. He looked over your face, examining softly. You looked tired. He wished you had just gone to bed, but he also knew that he probably gave you reason to be afraid of him wanting to have a discussion with you. 

He carefully took the letter out of your hand, chuckling a bit as you kept a hold on it. He got it eventually, shaking his head and he put it back in its envelope and tossing it on the table with the others. Joshua then stood up, stretching his arms over his head a bit before reaching down to pick you up. He was going to let you keep sleeping, but he might as well move you to your bed so you wouldn’t hurt in the morning. 

As he was part way down the hall, he heard you start to mumble. He stopped walking, looking at you with your eyes still closed. 

“..Shua?” You mumbled, Joshua chuckling again. 

“I’m here.” He whispered, not sure if you had actually woken up or if you were talking in your sleep. 

“Is it morning?” You mumbled, Joshua smiling at you. 

“Not quite, but almost.” He said, finally getting to your room. He carefully opened the door, leaving it open as he walked in. 

“What are you doing here?” You asked, eyes starting to blink open a bit. 

“I’m done with work for the day.” He said, pulling back the covers and laying you down, pulling the covers back and tucking you in. He sighed, thinking about how he had waited to do that for so long. 

“Mhm.” You said, your eyes falling again. Joshua just smirked, brushing some of the hair from your face before getting up to get ready for bed himself. Once he was ready, he walked to the other side of the bed, crawling in himself and letting himself relax. He felt you poke his arm, causing him to turn his head. You were looking at him, eyebrows slightly together. 

“How was the tour?” You asked, Joshua just smiling at you. 

“It was great, but we can talk about it in the morning, okay?” He said, turning to face you. “Get some sleep.” 

“What time do you go in tomorrow?” You mumbled. 

“Didn’t you read the last letter?” He asked, you shrugging. 

“I fell asleep at the start of it.” You said, snuggling a bit into your pillow. 

“I have off the next couple days.” He grinned as your eyes widened, head picking up a bit. “Yeah, you’re stuck with me now.” He laughed, you letting your head rest again. 

“Oh my.” You said, a slight smile on your face. You snuggled into Joshua a bit, which he happily accepted. “So, did you miss me?” Joshua placed a kiss on your head, holding onto you. 

“You know I thought about you worldwide.”

[lilmissa]

i’m only gonna break break your heart

how much simpler would life be if you knew a person was going to break your heart before hand? seriously though imagine it—-

you’re going on your first date with a hot cutie and you hear the iconic late 2000s Break Your Heart and then you know. you still go on the date and weeks later when you feel your soul being crushed after seeing messages from another girl on his phone you remind yourself you knew. wouldn’t that make it easier? let you prepare yourself better ?

so yes this was the idea that came into my head during my “friend breakup run”. if you haven’t experienced an anger filled run you have been exercising wrong.

this run can be therapeutic mostly for me because it helps my body put out the anger and emotions so my brain can find perspective. in an essence i let my blood literally boil so i can actually think for a minute.

during this perspective-finding-time i try to realize what i can learn from this person or experience. what have i been taught? internally hoping that i can close this book and the universe can pull it away because the universe never takes back a book half read unlike the library.

yet finding perspective is difficult especially when you didn’t think you would ever need to find it with those people/situation. that’s were the actual BOP from Taio Cruz comes in. if you were “told from the start” that you would be “torn apart” closure would be found so much easier.

who would i be? how many more or less tears would i have shed if i knew?

what if when signing the title to my new car i knew i would be devastated a year later when i totaled it. i could have soaked it in while I had it a little bit better or at least remembered to take the pregnancy test out of it before i crashed.

or

if when i picked out my favorite white and blue striped shirt i knew would be SA in it and i would never be able to look at it or let alone wear it again. maybe i would have worn it more, maybe i would be less scared when it happened.

or

if i knew before hand when i looked down at someone’s phone there would be shitty text messages being sent about me then maybe the car ride home wouldn’t be so silent, maybe i could have made sure i knew my worth before then.

most importantly if i knew my heart was going to be broken before it was i would have looked for the signs and clues all along that i could use to piece together like a puzzle after the event to find my answer. to find my closure and let myself grow. because even though these events can seem awful and traumatic they were necessary to make me who i am. each one taught me something after i was able to heal from it.

in the end the one lesson we can all take from our favorite throwback song is

if we knew our heart was going to be broken before hand then maybe we would know it needed to be in the first place

[justwritethatdown]

Chapter3

I apologise for taking so long to post chapter 3, but this story is pretty personal to me and I didn't think it would have been so hard for me to write it honestly.

→ MASTERPOST

During the two weeks’ vacation in Florida, Beca and Chloe really meet each other and get a lot closer. Beca has to deal with Aubrey and some other known faces, along with new ones, which causes her a lot of social anxiety. This chapter is accompanied by various old songs so it’s a bit of a throwback (:

Words Count: 8.9K

Rating: T

Warnings: Underage smoking, drinking and mention of sex

Read it on AO3 or under the cut ↓

Summer after high school (When we first met)

1st of July 2010

As soon as they arrived to the hotel Beca wanted to go back home. Aubrey was already getting on her nerves, bitching about how much she hated the place. Like if Aubrey wasn’t enough already, Chloe had brought with her Tom and Stacie, so the group was now formed by four people other than her and Chloe – way too many for Beca’s liking – and on top of everything, the other guy of their group was super creepy and started hitting on her in the most disgusting way.

“Bumper leave her alone, she’s off limits” intimated to him Chloe and Beca smiled at her thankfully.

“This place sucks! There’s literally nothing here!” kept dramatically complaining the blonde.

“Why didn’t we go to Miami as always?” wined Stacie.

“Apparently this shithole is the only place Sheila’s new husband could afford" answered Aubrey with disgust “oh- sorry" she fake-apologized to Beca, Chloe glared at her but didn’t say anything.

Beca wasn’t quick enough to think about a comeback that Bumper added “It’s incredible how they could find the only place in Florida with nothing to do! Why do they hate us so much?”

Beca was actually glad there wasn’t much to do and, even if she planned to stay in her room the whole time, avoiding as much as possible socializing, she had to admit the place was nice; the beach looked amazing and it was right in front of their hotel, which had a swimming pool and a spa too, so she didn’t really know what the others were complaining about.

“I hope I will find some chicks anyway" she heard Bumper say.

“As if anyone would date you” dismissed him Aubrey.

“Who talked about dating?” he retorted.

“You’re so gross" hissed the blonde.

“Aw Aubrey, I know you only say that because you’re jealous” he lamented “but you know I see you as a sister... unless...” he trailed off and Aubrey almost gagged at that.

“in your dreams".

 __Sometimes I get so weird, I even freak myself out

 After leaving their things in the respective rooms and freshening up Beca was forced to go to the beach with her father and Sheila.

“Once we’ve figured out the place, you will be allowed to go around on your own" he explained.

“Dad, the beach is literally on the other side of the street" she complained.

Beca didn’t bother to put on a swimming suit since she was sure she would have been back in her hotel room right away to work on her mix – she was wrong.

They got on the beach and walked to their assigned spot, where they had two sunbeds and a sunshade.

“okay, can I go now?” she asked impatiently

“Honey, why don’t you stay here for a while? It’s so nice" suggested Sheila and Beca just rolled her eyes at her, sitting on the hot sand besides one of their chairs and putting her headphones on.

 Beca noticed Chloe playing volleyball in the water with the others and found herself hypnotized by her; the way her arms and body moved swiftly to hit the ball, the way she smiled. Beca was sure, if she were to remove her headphones, she would have been able to hear her melodic laugh.

The teenager froze when she saw Chloe noticing her. She quickly lowered her eyes and fixated them on the sand but was still enough aware of Chloe to know she was getting out of the water and walking her way. When she was close enough, Beca looked up again lowering her headphones. Chloe didn’t bother to get a towel and Beca's eyes couldn’t help but follow the droplets of water running down Chloe’s body.

“Aren’t you getting hot?" Chloe asked making Beca’s face go bright red.

“no... I-what?” babbled Beca shaking her head. Chloe chuckled at that and sat down on the sand next to her.

“why are you still fully dressed?” she questioned, and Beca released the breath she was holding in.  

“I don’t want to swim” she simply said, without giving the redhead much to continue a conversation.

“The others wanted to go explore this place, to see if we can find something to do, you wanna come with us?” she offered gently.

“Nah, I’m good" declined Beca.

“Okay".

Chloe got up and started walking towards her friends when she suddenly turned around “I’ll see you tonight then" she said smiling and Beca’s heart felt warm.

The brunette was still looking at Chloe when she saw Tom reach out with a hand and shamelessly clean the sand from her toned ass, making it bounce a little. Beca had to look away.

“Okay I’m gonna go back to the hotel" she announced, leaving before her dad could answer anything. She spent the rest of the day working on her mix.

 “So... Beca, right?” asked Stacie not waiting for an answer “we’re going out tonight and you’re coming with us" she ordered. Beca instinctively looked at Chloe, who smiled brightly at her “it’s gonna be fun, I promise” added the tall brunette with a wink. Beca found herself walking to the beach with the rest of the group, Chloe never dropped Tom’s hand – not that she was paying attention to that.

Beca froze when she noticed a bigger group of people waiting for them. She really wasn’t good at dealing with many people at once.

“Hey guys, this is Beca" introduced her Chloe “Beca, these are Jessica and Ashley. They come here every year, so they know every corner of this place" explained the redhead “She’s Flo...”

Beca zoned out while Chloe was introducing her to everyone, she knew she wouldn’t remember any of their names anyway, and which one was Ashley again?

“...and he-" continued Chloe, gesturing towards someone attached to Stacie face. Beca reconnected to the situation just in time to see Luke grinning at Chloe “is Luke. You should know him, he goes to our school” before Beca could decide if she wanted to say that yes, she knew him, Luke smiled at her.

“Of course! I gave her a fake ID. Becky, right?” Beca faked a smile awkwardly.

“it’s Beca actually” corrected him Chloe.

The brunette barely said a word through the whole night. Ashley and Jessica took them to an old forsaken pier, where they stood chatting and drinking beer. Beca thought it was pretty dangerous to drink in the dark on a tiny strike of cement in the sea, but whatever.

“At the end of this pier there is an old dismissed firehouse, everything is dark around it" said Ashley.

“it’s the best place to watch shooting stars" added Jessica.

“that’s amazing, we must go one night!” gasped Chloe excited.

Beca was desperately trying to find something to say, but the more she tried the more her brain got stuck on every little thought, without being able to express any of them. She felt weird, it was like nothing she came up with was good enough to say it aloud; everything sounded too stupid or too lame to interest all those people.

“Oh my god, Beca would you shut up for a second? You’re filling my head with words” complained ironically – and over dramatically – Aubrey, making almost everybody laugh.

“Aubrey!” scolded her Chloe.

“what? It was a joke, she didn’t say a word all night, that’s weird" complained the blonde grinning.

Beca was spiraling and she even considered to tell the group she was tired and run away from the situation when Luke suddenly took out a joint “does someone smoke?” he asked to the group before lighting it up.

“Sure” she answered, glad to have something to calm her nerves just a little.

“You smoke?” gasped Chloe, making Beca’s anxiety hit a new high.

“I… no, I mean yes- just sometimes. Is that a problem?” she found herself babble, as if she had to give some kind of explanation to anyone about that.

“She hates when I smoke” cut in Tom blowing the smoke out of his mouth, before passing her the joint.

Beca took a deep puff thinking that she would never smoke in front of Chloe after she told her it bothered her – if she were her girlfriend, of course – but Tom didn’t seem to have a problem with that.

“It not a problem” softly giggled the redhead “I just don’t like the smell”.    

 On their way back to the hotel, all Beca could think about was what a waste of time it had been to go out instead of working on her mix. The night was somehow even worse than she had expected, and she was feeling rather nauseous for all the anxiety it changed her with. Socializing is the fucking worst.

Suddenly she felt Chloe’s hand slide into hers, so she looked up at her – she had slowed down to walk next to Beca at the end of the group.

“So, fake ID, smoking pot… maybe I should stay away from you?” joked the redhead.

“Oh yes, I’m such a bad influence” scoffed Beca immediately cringing at her own words.

“How are you?” Chloe gently asked in a way more serious tone.

Beca swallowed hard “I’m good" she lied.

“You know, Aubrey isn’t as mean as she seems, she’s just really insecure and thinks to look stronger taking others down" she explained – that’s not an excuse thought Beca – “she does that with Bumper too" added the redhead squeezing her hand.

“Yeah, it’s okay, I don’t mind" assured her Beca trying her best to smile.

 __

 The next day Beca put on some shorts and her bikini top, but still sat the whole morning under her sunshade with her iPod, watching the others play.

The group seemed to have begun official, since they were all having fun together, even Luke was there. He and Stacie seemed to be very intimate, the guy didn’t waste any opportunity to playfully swipe her up in his arms and every time Stacie made sure to let her hands linger on his muscular arms or his toned abs.

The brunette took her phone to message Amy, who texted her the night before asking how the situation was, but Beca was too socially exhausted to answer at the time.

Beca:

Your Luke is here too. The guy is RIPPED!

 Amy:

:Q_______ don’t make me jealous T_T

TALK TO HIM ABOUT ME!

 Beca:

You know I don’t talk to people.

I think he’s hooking up with Stacie btw :/

 Amy:

Aw fuck! <\3

 Beca:

Anyway, the situation is balls! I hate everything about this fucking vacation!

 She also got an SMS by Jesse that made her roll her eyes, but smile nonetheless.

 Jesse:

I miss you too btw <3

 Beca:

Shut up.

 “Who are you texting?” asked Chloe peering over her shoulder “Jesse..." she answered herself “is he your boyfriend?” Beca instinctively locked her phone and put it away.

“What? No. Absolutely not, he’s not" she hurried.

“okay...” answered Chloe in amusement “boys only send me hearts when they want to date me though" she insinuated “and you told him you missed him"

“I didn’t, that’s the point” gasped Beca “he just assumed on his own" she complained.

“I think you like him" teased the redhead.

“I so do not” stated Beca blushing.

“Whatever, your face says otherwise. Come play now, you’ve sat here long enough" ordered Chloe and Beca found herself obliging.

“I don’t like him!” she repeated letting Chloe drag her towards their friends.

 __Please take me away from here ‘Cause I feel like such an insomniac

 On the 4th of July they organized this big bonfire on the beach, to see the fireworks and then spend the night there with lots of alcohol, drinking games and a stupid midnight swim – totally recommended to get eaten by a shark.

 Beca was particularly grumpy the whole day, she couldn’t believe she was really going to spend the night with all those people she barely knew, after having spent the whole day with them already. She allowed herself to stay in the hotel for a little longer that morning, telling her father and Sheila she had a headache and would have reached them soon.

 Beca was chilling under her sunshade when she noticed Chloe approaching her and lowered her headphones around her neck.

“Sheila told me you weren’t feeling good this morning, how are you now?” she asked and Beca could sense she really cared, for some reason.

“Yeah I’m feeling better now" assured her Beca with a small smile.

“Awes! So you’ll still gonna be with us tonight, right?”

The brunette rolled her eyes at that, she really couldn’t understand why Chloe cared so much about her going with them at this stupid party. “Yes, Chloe I’ll be there" she promised hating herself for not being able to say no to the redhead.

“Now come, we’re playing beach volley” added Chloe dragging her by the arm.

Beca could barely leave her iPod and headphones inside her sun bag, that was thrown in a match with Flo and Bumper against Chloe, Tom and Aubrey.

The brunette hated any kind of physical activity, but there was something about beating Aubrey – and Tom – that sparked a fire in her. She still found herself rooting for Chloe somehow, so she couldn’t find it in herself to strike the winning point and let the ball pass her. They won anyway because Flo saved it and Bumper finished the action crushing it at Tom’s feet. The look on Aubrey’s face was priceless.

“Did you miss that on propose?” joyfully accused her Chloe when she went to congratulate them for the win – she was the only one of her team to do that, since Aubrey was still yelling at Tom how big of a delusion he was.

“What? No!" she lied “now can I go listen to my mus-"

“Nope" interrupted her Chloe “now we’re swimming!” Chloe said taking her hand and Beca let the redhead drag her in the water, where Ashley, Jessica and other guys Beca couldn’t remember the names of, were waiting for them.

Shortly after Stacie and Luke reached them informing the group everything was set for the night.

  After watching the fireworks Beca was ready to head home – she was ready to head home way before that – but Chloe convinced her to stay, offering her a solo cup with vodka mixed with something super sweet. It was gross but Beca drank it anyway – liquid confidence.

She was on her second drink when Stacie suggested to play ‘spin the bottle’ and everyone eagerly agreed. Beca didn’t, but she didn’t want to draw attention on her, being the only one who didn’t want to play.

“Okay the rules are simple" started Bumper with a serious voice, once they all sat around the fire “on your turn you spin the bottle and kiss whoever it points to. No exceptions or you must pay a pledge” he uselessly explained, since everybody knew the game. Beca hated this game.

“Girls don’t hold back. Specially if you’re kissing another girl, we all want to see that!” he added with a perverted smile on his stupid face.

Beca started feeling sick, she started to think about what she would have done if she had to kiss Tom or, even worse, what if she had to kiss Chloe? She didn’t want that to make things awkward and ruin what could become a good friendship between them.

The first one to spin the bottle was Flo – Bumper’s victim for the day apparently.

Bumper groaned loudly in disappointment when the bottle landed on Luke and the two shared a short kiss without losing too much time.

Beca’s heart was beating way to hard in her chest.

“This game is stupid, I’m out of here" she blurred out before getting up.

“Oh, come on! Worried your nerdy boyfriend would be jealous about it?” teased her Aubrey. Beca straight up wanted to tell her to go fuck herself, but she didn’t – for Chloe, obviously.

“He's not my boyfriend” she said leaving.

 “Beca hey, wait” called after her Chloe following her. When Beca was positive they were far enough from the group, she slowed down and let Chloe reach her.

“What happened?” asked the redhead with those soft eyes Beca could clearly see, even in the dim light.

“Nothing happened. It’s a stupid game" she repeated “and I don’t want to kiss most of the people sitting there anyway so what’s the point?” “so there’s someone you do want to kiss!” pointed out Chloe. Beca’s stomach twisted at that “who is it?”

“Is it Luke?” she hazarded when Beca didn’t answer to her.

“That’s none of your business” growled the brunette, starting to walk away again “don’t follow me" she demanded.

Beca couldn’t sleep that night and she couldn’t even work on her mix as she used to most nights, she was too preoccupied obsessing over the fact that she was rude to Chloe for no reason. She just really wanted to go back home.

 __

 The next day Beca didn’t want to go to the beach. She was sure Chloe hated her and didn’t have the guts to face her. She knew she had to, she needed to apologize to her, just like she did with Jesse before leaving for this hellscape.

 “Dude, can we talk for a moment?” asked Beca before their chemistry class started. “What for?” asked Jesse. Beca guessed she deserved that.

“Look, I’ve been an ass okay? I was stressed out and took it out on you" she tried, but she knew the guy wouldn’t give in so easily “I like having you around, you’re like the only one I actually like having around. I miss you dude, I’m not good at this but school is not the same without you being my friend"

Jesse sighed loudly “okay weirdo, I’m gonna let this one go, but next time you pull something like that we’re done.” He threatened “now, what did you say about missing me?” he teased with a smug smile.

 __Thinking to myself, hey isn't this easy? And you've got a smile that could light up this whole town

 When Beca finally found the courage to go to the beach she even forgot to bring her headphones, busy rehearsing the speech she had prepared to apologize to Chloe.

She totally didn’t expect to find Chloe sat on the sunbed next to Sheila’s, waiting for her. Beca gulped and slowed down, her heart started racing and her hands were sweaty.

“Hey, Chloe... uhm" she cleared her throat, her speech suddenly disappeared from her memory. Chloe looked at her using a hand as a shield against the sun, that still passed through, forcing her to close one eye.

“Hey! You finally decided to join us huh?” she beamed at her and for a moment Beca thought her smile was brighter than the sun. Chloe wasn’t mad at her apparently, so Beca sighed sitting down next to her.

“What are you doing here?” she asked.

“I was waiting for you" simply said the redhead.

“What about the others?” “they went surfing". Beca furrowed her brows at that so Chloe added “I’m on my period" “oh" was all the brunette could answer.

“I was thinking we could listen to one of your playlists, but I see you don’t have your iPod” said Chloe pouting a little.

“I- I actually have it. I just forgot the headphones”.

“Oh, you girls can use mine" offered Sheila smiling at them and Beca felt very confused at that.

“No, don’t worry, there’s no need to" tried Beca but the woman insisted, so Chloe took the white wire she was offering.

“I’m going to put my feet in the water" excused herself Sheila.

Beca plugged the earphones in and gave one to Chloe, who adjusted herself on the lounger she was sharing with Beca – even if there was an empty one next to them now. Beca pressed play to her ’09 – ’10 playlist. It didn’t take long for Chloe to take charge of the device and start go through the tracks.

“Oh my God, can you listen to one whole song?” groaned Beca, Chloe kept constantly skipping through songs.

“Sorry" chuckled the redhead “okay, I promise I won’t skip this one" she said when ‘When Love Takes Over’ started playing.

“I didn’t think you listened to this stuff” Chloe quoted her and Beca smiled biting her bottom lip “it’s so different from your other playlists”

“I’m trying new things recently. I like the beat; David Guetta is really talented” she explained.

It was so easy to be with Chloe without all those annoying people around them, Beca loved the way Chloe went through her playlists and the smile she had while they discussed music made Beca feel all warm inside, or maybe it was the fact that they were basically laying on top of each other in the small sunbed, both wearing nothing but their swimming suits, with so much skin on skin contact. Beca was just actively not thinking about that.

Beca tried not to read too much into it when Chloe declined Tom's invitation to sunbathe together – that totally meant “come make out with me for a while” – telling him she’d rather stay there with Beca, but when the redhead turned even Aubrey down, a small pleased smile made its way on her lips.

“Ugh Chloe, you’re really boring when you’re on your period” complained the blonde in front of everyone and Beca furrowed at her “dude, what’s your problem?” she asked and felt Chloe grab her arm “don’t” she whispered before getting up “I’m coming” she sung following Aubrey.

 __Oh, her eyes, her eyes, make the stars look like they’re not shining

 That night they decided to go to the abandoned lighthouse. The path was so dark they had to use their phone screens or lighters to see where they were placing their feet.

“You could have told us to bring some flashlight or something” commented Stacie. “Yeah, you’re right… sorry” apologized Ashley.

“Okay, what now?” asked Aubrey crossing her arms around her middle, when they reached the end of the pier. “We… lay down and watch the stars” answered Jessica, trying her best to maintain her smile in place – she was clearly struggling with Aubrey’s attitude – so Beca decided to back her up.

“Sounds great to me” she said laying down.

Chloe was the first one to follow her and decided to use Beca stomach as a pillow, making her gulp. Beca didn’t even notice how much Jessica appreciated her gesture, because she was focused on not breathing too much and bother Chloe someway.

One at a time, all the guys laid down beside them, in a Tetris way; each of them was using a part of someone’s body as a pillow – except for Beca, who only put her crumpled hoody under her head – The brunette noticed Tom resting his head on Chloe’s tights, just where her short summer dress ended – they totally had sex already – something about that, incredibly bothered her.

“You guys aren’t going to do it while I’m your pillow, right?” she joked awkwardly and Chloe giggled looking up at her “Don’t worry, we’ll behave” she assured her with a wink that made Beca’s insides melt.

The starry sky was beautiful, the stars shined so brightly in the dark surrounding them that they could spot several shooting stars. Beca was finally enjoying herself; no interactions, no Aubrey – she was somewhere far from Beca and was finally shutting up – if Beca focused hard enough she could pretend it was only her, the stars and Chloe. It felt so good to have the redhead lying comfortably against her, she let her right hand gaze Chloe’s arm, it wasn’t Beca’s fault, it was just their position.

What she didn’t expect was for Chloe to reach out to take that hand and hold it on her own stomach, Beca froze for a moment at the feeling of Chloe’s fingers intertwined with hers, even if that wasn’t the first time.

“Ugh! I’m so bored” wined Aubrey, making Beca almost groan while she rolled her eyes.

“Yeah me, too” agreed Stacie “if we don’t do something now, I’m gonna fall asleep”.

“We could sing something!” suggested Chloe, but the others completely ignored her suggestion.

“Isn’t there a club or something?” asked Tom sitting up.

“Yeah, I wanna dance with some hot girls” exclaimed Bumper getting on his feet.

“Well, there’s a crappy disco club, but there are mostly old creepy men there” hesitantly admitted Ashley.

“Anything would be better than doing nothing here” stated Aubrey getting up.

Beca noticed Chloe huffing and she spoke without thinking “I’m cool staying here, if you want to stay” she whispered to Chloe. The girl suddenly started to sweat, her heart racing.

“Would you do that?” asked the redhead in disbelieve and Beca smiled at her.

“Of course, dude”.

Chloe turned to the others, now all on their feet, waiting for them “You guys go, we’re staying here” she informed them. Tom crouched down to hover over Chloe’s face “you gonna be okay?” he asked and she nodded smiling at him. The guy gave Chloe a quick kiss goodbye before leaving with the others.

Beca was in her head. She thought she had to say something, not to make things awkward, but for some reason she couldn’t stop thinking about Tom; about the fact that, if Chloe were her girlfriend, she would have never left her to go clubbing – if it was up to her she would have stayed there with Chloe stargazing her whole life.

Chloe shivering brought Beca back to reality, she quickly reached for the hoody under her head and offered it to her “cold?”

“Oh, don’t worry, I don’t want to take it from you” declined it Chloe shivering again.

“Shut up, you’re shivering!” stated Beca putting the hoodie on Chloe as a blanket.

“What if you get cold too?”

“You are my blanket” Beca heard herself saying and she widened her eyes.

“Fair enough, but if you get cold, you’re getting it back” intimated the redhead, and squeezed Beca’s hand, she was still holding under the hoodie.

“Okay” agreed Beca – there was no way she would take that hoodie back from her.

 “So… your parents let you sleep with Tom?” Beca asked out of the blue.

“Absolutely not” laughed Chloe “officially, I share my hotel room with Stacie. But he has his own room”. Beca bit her tongue for asking – yup, they were definitely doing it.

“Have you ever been with someone?” asked Chloe as if she could read Beca’s mind, it made Beca choke on air and it took her a few coughs to blur a simple “no”.

“What about Jesse?”

Beca rolled her eyes at that “I told you, he’s not my boyfriend” she repeated annoyed

“Stacie says the same about Luke” informed her Chloe and Beca snorted.

“I don’t l-”

“you don’t like him, okay” sighed Chloe “but I think he likes you”.

 Beca fell silent for a moment, contemplating that. “It is possible, yes. But does it really matter if I don’t like him back anyway?”

They weren’t staring at the stars anymore; Chloe had turned on her side to look at Beca more comfortably and Beca felt like she was drowning in those ocean blue eyes.

  “No” said softly Chloe “but you could like him and not knowing. If Aubrey wouldn’t have told me Tom was into me, making me consider the fact of dating him, we wouldn’t have been together for almost two years now” she added. Beca frowned, could she really feel something for Jesse without knowing it? – she had to admit, she was rather clueless regarding her own feelings. “But maybe that’s not your case” shrugged Chloe.

 “You’re different” blurred out Beca and Chloe gave her a questioning look “from the girl I met at dinner” she clarified looking away, suddenly looking at Chloe was too much for her.

“Yeah, about that” sighed the redhead “I owe you an apology, I was kind of a bitch” she said screwing up her face.

“I think you made up for that” Beca chuckled “why did you act like that though?” she asked.

“it’s just that… my parents, they are…” she railed off, so Beca looked at her again “I don’t really like them, or their friends- sorry”.

“Oh no, trust me, no one likes Sheila less than me” scoffed Beca.

“But she seems nice to you, I think being with your father changed her”

“I think she’s just faking it for him” answered Beca, feeling rather uncomfortable talking about her.

“Trust me, I would notice that. I’ve known her my whole life” assured Chloe.

 “Why don’t you like your parents?” Beca asked, desperately trying to change the subject.

“They’re just two selfish snobs, who only care about the appearances. Everything must look perfect on the outside, when the truth is that they don’t care about me at all-”

“How can that be true?” interrupted her Beca, genuinely finding it impossible for someone not to care about Chloe.

“They only care that I don’t embarrass them. So I put up with their façade in public, but I ignore them at home.”

Beca found herself squeezing Chloe’s hand in empathy, sensing the deep sadness behind her words.

“I’m sorry I ignored you too, to me you were only Sheila’s new kid” apologized Chloe “and I always ignored her too”

“I’m not her kid” clarified Beca, feeling uneasy “and you said that like if I was a new pair of shoes” she scoffed.

“No oh my god, of course. I- sorry, I didn’t mean it like that” rushed out Chloe “you’re so much more than that, Becs”.

Beca didn’t know if she blushed at that, but she knew for sure that her heart started racing again, so she cleared her throat to dissimulate it “why are you so kind to me all the times?” she asked, genuinely curious about that.

“why not?” asked Chloe smiling and Beca just laughed shaking her head.

“Why are you Aubrey’s friend then?” inquired the brunette. Chloe huffed loudly and Beca feared she overstepped – Aubrey was her best friend after all.

“We grew up together…” she started unsure “I don’t have memories of a time when I didn’t know her”.

Beca could understand that, even if she and Amy had opposite personalities, she grew to love her through time, so she figured it was the same thing for Chloe – Amy was way better than Aubrey though.

“I know she seems awful, but her parents are way worse than mine” continued Chloe “they put on her so many expectations, it’s so much pressure that I don’t know how she doesn’t crack under it” Chloe stopped to clear her throat “if she doesn’t reach their standards they call her a failure, she’s just a teenager!”

 The girls talked until 2am before Chloe declared she was tired, so they went back to the hotel.

“Thank you” said Chloe taking off Beca’s hoodie and giving it back to her

“No problem” answered the brunette smiling gently “goodnight”

Her hoodie smell like Chloe now and Beca didn’t stop to wonder why she liked it so much, but she did. She made a mental note to always bring it along, just in case Chloe might need it again.

   __My heart it pounds, yeah you got me

 Beca wasn’t surprised when the next day Chloe spent more time with Tom, what surprised her was that she joined the group willingly and spent the day with them without hating it. She was pleased to notice that after a few days of knowing these people the effort she had to put in to socialize wasn’t that big anymore, things were starting to feel natural.

They decided – Aubrey decided – to go back to the club that night and Beca really hated the idea. She didn’t dance, no matter how hard Amy had tried, Beca decided that dancing just wasn’t for her.

“That place sucks so bad” said Aubrey for the millionth time and Beca was bold enough to ask her “why are we going then?”

“Because there’s nothing else to do in this fucking place” spat out the blonde rolling her eyes.

 Beca found herself isolating again when they started a singing game where one player started singing a song and, on your turn, you had to sing another song starting by one word of the song the other player was singing. If you don’t sing on your turn, you lost.

Beca was close enough to hear them and had a song ready for each turn, she couldn’t help her smile when Chloe started to sing the same song she thought of. When Bumper interrupted her to keep the game going, Beca found herself missing Chloe’s voice for a moment and decided to distract herself not to think about that.

“Why don’t you come playing with us?” asked Chloe, making her jump; the brunette didn’t notice Chloe approaching her.

“I don’t sing” she blurred out.

“This is not a singing contest, it’s just a game. I know you would be very good at-”

“Chloe would you come play? Forget about her” scoffed Aubrey “she’s just being a weirdo as usual”.

Beca sensed Chloe tensing up, she knew the girl was ready to fight Aubrey about that, but she stopped her hushing out a quickly “don’t worry” before getting up from her beach towel “it’s not worth it” she added leaving.

 It was shortly after dinner when Chloe showed up at her hotel room “You forgot this on the beach today” she said gently handing her the towel.

“Oh, thanks” answered Beca taking it with a smile and starting to close the door.

“Wait” stopped her the redhead pushing against the wooden surface “can I come in?”

“Sure” said Beca moving out of the way “if this is about what Aubrey said, I’m okay” she assured.

“It isn’t” said Chloe “I mean, yes that too, but mostly I came here to get you ready” she beamed out showing her the beauty case she brought along.

Beca arched an eyebrow “what for?” she asked slightly scared.

“for tonight”

“I’m not coming” scoffed Beca.

“Yes, you are! Beca please, we’re gonna have fun! Do it for me?”

 So Beca found herself sitting on a chair in front of the mirror, with Cloe fixing her hair with a curling iron.

“Why do you care so much if I come to this stupid club anyway?” asked Beca struggling to stay still with the burning hot weapon so close to her head.

“I just enjoy your company” Chloe said casually “is it that hard to believe?”

“No, I guess” lied Beca – it was the most impossible think to believe for her, that someone like Chloe wanted to waste her time with her. She was obviously just being nice to the weird kid because she was a nice person.

 Beca spent most of the night sitting on a short wall next to the dancefloor, if one could call it that; the ‘club’ was more a bar stand with a large space – probably a dismissed caravan parking site – they put a console, some speakers and stroboscopic lights in. the only good aspect was that they served alcohol without asking for an ID, but the place was depressing and the Dj sucked.

Next to Beca there was Lily – a girl of their group Beca never heard speaking, but who still interacted more than her – who didn’t feel like dancing either apparently. Beca didn’t talk to her, she kept sipping at her Rum and Coke in silence. Beca was definitely not watching Chloe dance against Tom, the way she dipped low and grind against him after rising back up, he was slowly moving behind her, eventually grabbing her hips or bending over to kiss her cheek, neck or anything he could find.

If you ask her, Beca couldn’t tell how, but when she saw the group come back from the dancefloor, she knew Aubrey was about to tell her something stupid, convinced to be extremely funny. “Wow Beca, you’re really having fun tonight huh?” she teased and the brunette just snorted at her, more bothered by the terrible work the ‘Dj’ was doing than by the cheap comments Aubrey could come up with.

She vaguely noticed Just Dance started playing. The mix she just finished making was ten times better than what they were listening to. For a moment she fantasized about taking control of the dj boot and play it, she had it in her iPod after all. Chloe taking her hand brought her back to reality.

“Let’s go dancing!” screamed Chloe, probably because she’d been dancing too close to one of the speakers, tugging at her arm.

“I don’t dance”

“Of course, you don’t” chuckled Chloe “come onnnnn” she whined.

“I don’t even like this song” tried Beca, putting down the empty solo cup she was still holding.

“Liar, I know you love this song, it’s in your playlist!” called her out Chloe “come dance with me, please”

Beca couldn’t resist that smile, her heart started racing; the brunette knew in that moment that she was doomed – she would have done anything Chloe had asked her.

Beca let Chloe drag her in the middle of the dancefloor and felt a shiver when the girl didn’t drop her hand when she started dancing. Beca was frozen, she had no idea what to do, she was the only idiot standing still, but couldn’t convince her body to start moving.

“Dance!” laughed Chloe, gently shaking her by the hand.

“I don’t know how to” she confessed.

Chloe moved impossibly close to her face and Beca’s breath got caught in her throat. “I’m gonna tell you a secret” whispered the redhead “nobody does” she said winking “just move with me”

Beca thought she was going to pass out when Chloe reached out to gently place her hands on Beca’s hips, bringing their bodies together, to rhythmically move against each other. Having the other girl so close made her heart beat unsafely fast. Eventually she started moving on her own to dance with Chloe; the way Chloe pushed her head up, sometimes running her fingers through auburn hair, was unfairly sexy. For the first time Beca didn’t second-guess what was going on; she just kept on dancing, resting her forearms on Chloe’s shoulders. The way Chloe’s looked oat her took her breath away; she blamed it on the alcohol and the loud beat, on the endorphins formed in her system because of all the dancing – probably everybody felt this intoxicated while dancing with someone – everything was normal.

 __ She is like a melody in my head That I can't keep out

 The rest of the vacation was a blur to Beca. Maybe it’s true what they say about time running faster when you’re having a good time. Beca wouldn’t say she was actually having a good time, she still hated hanging out with people she barely knew and had pretty much nothing in common with – and most of all she still hated Aubrey – but the small moments she got to spend with Chloe were enough to get her by.

Those times Chloe choose to sit on her lap instead of the empty seat that was too far from her, or when she randomly took her hand or started lightly brushing her fingertips on her harm in that relaxing way – that did everything but relax Beca, if she was honest – or even the casual touches, those Beca wasn’t even sure Chloe did on purpose. Those moments were all Beca could think about. Chloe was all Beca could think about.

It wasn’t unusual for them to listen to Beca’s iPod together while eating lunch or while the others went jumping from the riff; something that Beca found very funny, but that Chloe hated, so Beca decided to pass on that too, just to spend more time alone with the redhead.

“What is this?” Asked the redhead scrolling through the songs “Beca-mix_1"

Beca’s eyes widened and she jumped to take the iPod from Chloe, but she was too slow, and swallowed hard hearing the first notes of it playing in her ear.

“Did you make this?” asked Chloe in shock.

“Yeah...” shyly admitted the brunette.

“Beca this is amazing!”

“You like it?” asked Beca in disbelief.

“I love it!” gasped Chloe in awe “Beca, you’re so talented!”

“I- thank yo-"

“Did you make others?”

“No, I mean yes, but they’re crap. This is the first one I liked enough to save it" explained Beca scratching at the back of her head.

She had never let anyone listen to her mixes – not even Amy – and she’d never thought Chloe of all people would have been the first one to hear it. For some reason Chloe’s opinion meant the world to her, and the fact that she liked something she made, gave her a weird kind of high she’d never experienced before.

 __Feels like I’ve waited so long for this, I wonder if it shows

 One night, after they said goodbye to the others, the  core group decided to stay up until dawn instead of going to sleep, so they sneaked Luke – who always walked Stacie to the hotel to steal one last kiss – in and went on the roof of the hotel, that was full equipped with chairs, sofas and sunbeds. Beca opted for a hammock, while the others were gathering their seats in a circle-like form next to her.

“Scoot" intimated her Chloe wanting to fit on the hammock with her, but Beca didn’t move. “fine, I’m just gonna lay on top of you then" threatened the redhead trying to climb on the hammock and risking flipping it.

“Okay, okay. Jesus!” laughed Beca making room for Chloe next to her.

“Do you two need a room?” joked Stacie.

“I’m totally on board with that babe!” added Tom laughing.

“Who told you you’re invited?” teased Chloe with a smug smile.

Beca knew they were all kidding, but she couldn’t stop her face to turn bright red and her heart to beat so fast she was afraid Chloe could feel it hammer against her chest.

“Beca you wanna smoke?” asked her Luke lighting up yet another joint.

“No thanks, I’m gonna pass" she declined, for Chloe obviously; she didn’t want to bother the redhead, since she knew the girl couldn’t stand the smell of it. Beca didn’t know if she was hoping that Chloe noticed she was doing it for her or not, but when Chloe turned to whisper to her “it’s okay if you wanna smoke, it doesn’t bother me" she felt her stomach flip.

“Aw Beca, your alt girl days are ending already?” mocked her Aubrey.

“Aubrey why don’t you try smoking a little? It will relax you! And while you’re at it you can also try getting off my case for once?” she spat out.

“Woooooah" cheered Bumper and everyone – except for Aubrey, obviously – started laughing.

 It didn’t take long for Chloe to fall asleep, Beca had put her hoodie on the both of them as a blanket and made sure not to raise her voice too much while laughing and chatting with the others. After a while the group started to run out of energy; Tom was checking his phone, Stacie and Luke were just making out and Aubrey was busy convincing Bumper that nothing would ever happen between the two of them.

Beca took the opportunity to lose herself in her thoughts; in the fact that, even if she’d always hated physical contact, to have Chloe sleeping cuddled up on her felt so nice. She didn’t want to elaborate the feeling, nice was enough for now, it was too soon to let her mind analyse the way her body felt warmer every time Chloe as much as looked her way, or the way her heart beat out of time. It was too dangerous to get an answer to why that happened to her every time Chloe was around.

She noticed the guys decided to go to give up, too tired to wait for the sunrise, and she decided to pretend she was asleep, not ready to give up laying there with Chloe yet.

“Chlo, come on, we’re going to sleep" tried Tom, but the redhead didn’t give him any response, other than a soft snore.

After a few minutes of trying, Aubrey got annoyed “let’s just leave them" she said, “I’m going to bed" and left.

Beca heard Tom standing there pondering the situation for a moment, before deciding to leave too.

 The morning after Beca was awakened by the sun burning hot on her face; that and the hoodie worked together to generate an uncomfortable heat, making them both sweat. A soft groan escaped her, she didn’t mean to really fall asleep, she just wanted a few more minutes before waking Chloe up and going to their respective hotel rooms.

They had shifted during the night and Beca soon found out that she couldn’t move without waking Chloe up some way; the redhead was half on top of her, using her shoulder as a pillow and their limbs were intertwined. Beca’s left arm – the one laying under Chloe’s body – was numb, but somehow Beca didn’t hate any of that.

Chloe’s smell surrounding her and the weight of the girl on her made Beca feel things she’d never felt before. If it was anyone else, Beca would have rung for the hills, but there was something different about this girl, something special, that didn’t scare her. If anything, it made her feel brave.

Beca didn’t realise her hand was on Chloe’s hip, until the girl shifted beneath it while turning around, she turned too much and Beca had to catch her before she fell down the hammock. The brunette knew it would have given away the fact that she was awake, but she figured that falling down the hammock wouldn’t have been a really nice way to wake up.

“Nice catch" mumbled Chloe rubbing her eyes, still a little shook for her almost fall “were you awake?”

“Yeah I just woke up" confessed Beca “I couldn’t move though”.

“Why didn’t you wake me up?” asked the redhead still half asleep – she looked adorable.

“I don’t know, it seemed rude" laughed Beca.

 __ I'll hold on to it, don't you let it pass you by

 The last day of vacation came way too soon. Beca spent the day with a heavy feeling on her stomach, due to the awareness that everything was ending. Back in Atlanta things won’t be the same as they were now, they were going back to reality, a reality where Beca can’t spend every day with Chloe listening to music and just being.

It was bittersweet to see her same gloom mirrored in Chloe’s behavior; it felt nice to know that Chloe was sad about giving up what they had now, but that only confirmed Beca’s conviction that everything was about to change for them.

The evening went by in the blink of an eye and the group was finishing dinner in the big hotel’s dining room.

“Are we going to stay up tonight? For real I mean" asked Tom chewing the last bite of his steak.

“Of course we are, that’s our last night" answered Bumper “but we have to sneak in everyone this time, I know Florencia will give in tonight" he added making the others roll their eyes.

“Leave that poor girl alone, she doesn’t know how to tell you anymore, she’s not interested” spat out Stacie.

“That’s the point, she doesn’t know how to say no anymore, so she might say yes" he explained wiggling his eyebrows.

“Ugh, dude that’s fucked up!” groaned Beca pushing her plate away.

“Are we going to sneak in some booze too or we gonna behave?” asked Chloe biting her lip.

“We’re obviously sneaking some alcohol in, Chloe. I can’t stand those idiots when I’m sober" scolded her Aubrey.

“Ugh true” laughed Stacie, igniting a general laugh.

This was one of the things Beca couldn’t stand about this group, they were always talking shit about people behind their backs and pretend to like them when they were around. It wasn’t even true that they didn’t like them, they just needed to be assholes sometimes and make fun of other people. Even Chloe let herself get involved in their behavior – something she had to do to adapt to the group, for sure – and that was probably the only thing Beca didn’t like about her. Beca was sure they did the same thing with her too and the thought made her feel sick.

 That night there was an unspoken agreement between the girls, to keep Flo away from Bumper for as long as they could; he was harmless, but all of them knew how annoying he could get and they didn’t want Flo to give in just to make him stop – even Aubrey seemed to care about that and did her part.

As soon as they got to the roof, they rushed to find a seat.

“Becs, come sit with me?” suggested Chloe gesturing towards the hammock and Beca felt her stomach do that flip she was used to by now.

“No way!” shouted Bumper “the hammock is mine tonight! Miss Fuentes, care to join me?” he said all charming after occupying the hammock.

“She won’t. She’s sitting next to me" ordered Aubrey patting the empty chair next to her sofa, as if she was calling a dog.

Flo sat down next to her whispering a hushed “thank you".

Chloe ended up sitting on Tom’s lap and Beca curled up in a sofa a couple of seats from them.

They decided to play ‘never have I ever’ and Beca thought she was winning when she realized she hadn’t done most of the things they were mentioning; she only drank once when Chloe said “Never have I ever smoked pot".

She learned a lot of things she didn’t care about but that Amy would have loved to know; she learned that Aubrey got blackout drunk and spent the night with her face in the water, that Luke was actually pretty good in school and that Stacie – and Bumper apparently, but no one really believed him – was in a threesome once.

When it came her turn, she smirked devilishly, convinced that what she was about to say would have made everyone drink – something nobody succeeded with yet – “Never have I ever… kissed someone” she proudly declared.

The group fell silent for a moment.

“What?” spat out Aubrey suddenly, unable to keep her laugh in anymore.

“You can’t be serious” added Stacie shocked.

“I mean we can make up for that if you want, we have Bumper who would kiss anything as long as it moves" chuckled Aubrey.

Beca stood there while everyone was laughing at her, she didn’t know what the hell made her think it was something to brag about – to be 16 and haven’t kissed anyone yet – she felt her eyes sting, she knew she was about to tear up, but was trying to hold back with everything she had, she couldn’t give them any more reasons to laugh at her.

“I don’t think it’s funny" said Chloe.

“Come on babe, you have to admit it is a little funny" said Tom still giggling.

It made Chloe stand up from his lap and turn around to glare at him “okay, whatever, it’s not funny" he agreed, trying to get her to sit back on his lap, Chloe angrily freed her hand from his grasp and walked away from him, towards Beca.

“Can I sit with you?” she asked gently.

“Sure" quickly answered the brunette trying to make as much room as she could for Chloe to sit next to her.

“I don’t wanna play this game anymore” she declared.

“Babe I’m cold, come back here" complained Tom.

“You know I can’t stand you when you act like an asshole”.

It didn’t take long for Chloe to curl up into Beca while they were listening to one of Flo’s weird stories. Beca wasn’t listening to her at all, she was focused on the feeling of having Chloe curled up on her for the last time in who knows how long.

 When the sun started rising, Beca felt there was something final about it. Her last sunrise with Chloe. It was like time was slipping from her hands and there was nothing to do about it.

“Shouldn’t we clean up this mess?” asked Chloe when the guys started to say goodbye to each other.

“People are paid to do it, Chloe” told her Aubrey in her usual smartass tone.

 Beca had an earlier flight than the rest of the group because her father had to be back in Atlanta sooner, so she had to say goodbye to Chloe at the hotel, while the others got to take her same plane. Beca awkwardly waved the group goodbye before pushing her suitcase in the back of the taxi and when she turned around Chloe crushed into her, hugging her tight.

“Have a safe flight" she whispered in Beca’s ear.

“Yeah you too" told her the brunette pulling back from the hug with a soft smile.

When she climbed into the taxi Sheila was looking at her proudly “I told you, you were gonna become friends" she all but beamed.

“Whatever” huffed Beca before putting her headphones on. She felt bad about being rude to Sheila – that’s a first, she thought – but it lasted for almost five seconds, before she turned around to see Chloe waving her goodbye from the sidewalk.

[antpernas]

1/23/21

This day was... whew boy. A trip.

So, we started off alright, we woke up at an OK time but didn’t end up getting ready to do stuff until after my parents had left for work. At that point, we decided to *get it on* which was SOOOO much fun. Douching together was hilarious, and a nice little throwback to when we first met. It was also nice to finally have sex with someone that I truly, deeply cared about again, and (MOST IMPORTANTLY) to have it be reciprocated. The fact that it was good sex was just a nice perk :) Definitely boosted my confidence with topping, since it had been so long!

After we finished up, we started getting ready to head north! Our first task was to test my kayak and see if it would hold up under our combined weights. The answer; barely! But barely would HAVE to do, since the beach I wanted to take him to was only accessible by boat or by kayak. We loaded my kayak, and this time I made sure that I actually grabbed the oars! Then, off we went!

Before we got to the park, we made a stop at Joseph’s market to get some lunch. Oh my GODDD how horrible a decision that was!! Scorpio was, yet again, overwhelmed with the many choices available to him. He ended up buying various quantities of different items, as opposed to doing the dinner combo like I had suggested, and spent just a bit too much money on food. But, GREAT food, so in my opinion it was worth it! Though, I’m sure his wallet didn’t feel the same.

Afterwards, we made a straight shot to the park, all the while making sure my kayak wasn’t slipping off my car to go tumbling into traffic like a large boulder the size of a small boulder. I think Scorpio ate a little bit while I was driving, and I, as always, took the opportunity to show him more music. This time, I showed him the soundtrack to the sequel of the game I tried to get us to play the night before, which we ended up dozing off while playing. Once we got there, I parked so I could eat my food, then we started getting ready to launch!

Getting into the kayak was the simple partl. The real challenge was getting across to the entrance. Poor Scorpio had to sit in the seat and row us across on this barely balanced kayak, otherwise the weight wasn’t properly distributed. I remember him asking me to hold him tighter while he rowed, which was just... UGH butterflies! It was in this moment that I started singing “Go the Distance,” sparking a new, very unique step in my intimacy with him. Singing seriously was something I had never done in front anyone, and especially not intentionally. I felt very vulnerable, but it was also kind of liberating. And he told me it helped, which made me feel even better. Soon enough, we made it across!

The walk to the beach was gorgeous, and we ended up sparking a discussion about Disney movies and Broadway musicals, which was a part of my memories I hadn’t brushed off in a LONG time. It was also interesting to hear about some of his experiences with them. As much as I love to talk, hearing him talk about his past or his life at any time he felt comfortable sharing it was so amazing. It was almost like it made him seem more real to me, like he wasn’t just this perfect, extraterrestrial angel that brought happiness everywhere he went, but in fact, a human! It was nice.

We ended up singing some more until we got to the beach, which was choppy as SHIT. I already knew from the clouds that it wouldn’t be a good day for snorkeling, but to say I had anticipated the water to be that bad would be a lie. We ended up making an attempt for a few minutes before we just decided to swim normally and then walk the beach and chat more. At some point, we turned around to start trying to get to the exit, but we couldn’t find it! We ended up passing it and hitting the north end of the beach/island, talking about musicals and stuff the entire way there. We found a pretty cool abandoned jetty/pier thing, though, which was SUPER cool. We decided to risk losing the daylight and walked along it while chatting some more.

We got a ways into the path before he stopped me for a second and said there was something he wanted to tell me.

Oh boy.

He didn’t even finish the sentence before I knew where this was going. And then he said it. “I just don’t think I like you that way... You’re like a bro to me.” Surprisingly, I took this pretty well at first! I didn’t cry, didn’t pout, and I think I handled it pretty well. But then we sort of finished the conversation that we were having and it went dead silent between us. And THAT’S when I started to feel it.

I don’t even think I can recount the absolute rollercoaster of emotions and thoughts I had while we started searching for the exit again. I tried my best to be as sweet and enthusiastic as I normally was with him, but I just wasn’t in the headspace to do it, I don’t think. And halfway through the walk back to the dock from the beach exit, I just started choking on my tears. I remember just being so very... conflicted? Angry? Sad? I just couldn’t even begin to piece it together. I was disgusted with myself for thinking I was mad at Scorpio simply because he didn’t feel the same way about me, and I felt stupid for even thinking to feel entitled to that from him in the first place, even though, up until that point, it had never occurred to me that I was! I still don’t even think I was; my mind was just trying to jump to an easy answer to the questions I had bouncing in my head, and blaming Scorpio seemed like the most simple solution, even though every part of me knew that’s not what I wanted to do.

I kept thinking about it, though, and once we were coming up on the entrance, I finally realized who I was REALLY angry at; myself. I was angry because I felt stupid for devoting so much of myself to someone who never felt the same way, for potentially making someone I cared about so much feel that they were obligated to show me that same affection back. Once I came upon this realization, the waterworks REALLY started coming down. But it was liberating to know that I wasn’t truly angry at Scorpio. Really, all I felt in my heart for him was, and is, love. And it was comforting to know that there was nothing more to this situation than that it just. Plain. Sucked. We can’t control who we get butterflies for, and it just so happened that Scorpio didn’t feel that way for me. And that’s okay!

(Sidebar, he chipped his toenail soon after he told me that, and joked that the universe was already putting him in his place. I have a thing to say about that later.)

And this is when I asked myself one very important question; what’s next? That’s what I got to mull on once we got to the kayak and I had to hold him while he rowed us across again, still in silence.

Loading the kayak was a bit of a chore, but we managed to do it and started heading on our way. As much as I tried to hold back my tears once we started going, it just wasn’t happening. This was especially true once I REALLY tried to choke them back to finish talking about the soundtrack to the game I was showing him. The floodgates were OPENED. But it was a relief.

We started chatting and I got what I wanted to say off my chest; that it was all okay. That I realized I’m just mad at myself, and that it’s not his fault that he doesn’t feel the same way for me (not that he needed my validation or anything). I thanked him for being honest and giving me the chance to see him again, as well as this closure, and I apologized for being distant while we were heading back to my car. He was reassuring through all of this, telling me that it was okay, and making sure I understood that he still wanted to be friends, as long as I wanted to be.

And this is when I sort of came upon an answer to that question. I realized a LOT in that hour~ long period after he told me what he needed to, but perhaps the most important takeaway for me is that I just want to be happy. All the other details about situations are semantics; if I love someone and it makes me happy to spend time with them, then I should do it! And if it doesn’t, then I won’t. It’s as simple as that. It doesn’t matter if we’re dating, if we’re friends, or whatever it may be; I didn’t even have concrete definitions for those anyway, so this thought process was the real answer to all my problems. Do what makes me happy. And Scorpio makes me happy. So even if he doesn’t love me the same way, if he wants to be friends, then I’m thankful he’s not just cutting me out of his life and I get to spend more time with him some day! I just need time to get over the heartbreak and adjust to our new relationship. A strong relationship at that.

The “thing” I had to say earlier was that I didn’t by any means want Scorpio to feel as though he deserved some kind of punishment just for breaking my heart. I can already imagine it sucks to hurt someone you care about, and the last thing I would ever want is to rub salt in his wounds. I may poke fun about it in the future when we see each other again, but I would never want to make him feel as though he needs to truly be ashamed or guilty for being honest with me. It’s sort of for this same reason that I don’t like saying he “broke my heart.” Even though he did, just saying it like that paints him as an antagonist, when really, he was just honest with me, and he still means the world to me. He made me realize I need better friends, JAJA!

But, yeah! That was my internal journey, and after that all that was left was to heal, mostly. On the way home, I gushed more about the soundtrack and we chatted about my background with music. He said he was always impressed with me and how I’d taught myself so much about music, and it made me feel all sheepish, but good! We stopped at my old middle school and took a walk around the park/trail right outside of it, and chatted a little bit more about me and my childhood. Once we finished there, we hopped back in the car and went home.

For the most part, home was alright! The only weird part was figuring out our new boundaries, and since everything was so fresh, I wasn’t sure where I wanted to set them. Of course, the ball was in my court, but I didn’t want to suddenly turn on a dime and act as if I didn’t like Scorpio at all, because that would never be the case! My second greatest regret of that trip was not cuddling him when we went to sleep that night.

EDIT: I LIED we tried to play Monument Valley before we went to sleep but we ended up dozing off. Also we talked about our views on relationships when we parked at Red Reef park.

[wdw-spidey]

Dad - Corbyn Besson

Summary: Your daughter wants Corbyn to be her father 

Warnings: None 

Word count: 1k 

***

I could tell tonight was going to be a hard night for not only just me but also my daughter. I had her tucked into bed, closing the second bedtime story for tonight.

“I can’t wait for Corbyn to come home,” She mumbled a huge smile on her face.

She was only 6 years old but she was one of the smartest 6 years old I’ve ever met in my life, she was such a sweet girl and I loved her so much for it.

“I also can’t wait for him to come home but you need to get some sleep, you won’t see him till tomorrow morning ok?” I informed her tucking a strand of her blonde hair behind her ear, I kissed the top of her head while smoothing down her crazy baby hairs.

“It’s as if it’s Christmas eve!” She said in an excited tone.

I let out a small laugh nodding my head, “Yeah, Corbs won’t come back until you’ve fallen asleep sweetie.”

She let out a huff and made herself more comfortable to fall asleep. She curled up into a ball hugging her stuff animal that Corbyn had gotten her before leaving for tour. She kissed the top of the teddy bears head and closed her eyes.

“Mommy?” I almost didn’t hear her since she said that so quietly and softly.

“Yes,” I replied wanting patiently for what she was going to say.

Part of me really wanted her to go to sleep since it was getting very late, I had put her down to bed earlier today knowing she’d be super excited for tomorrow but I didn’t expect it to take this long.

“Is Corbyn my daddy?” She asked me.

My heart started beating so much faster, I didn’t know what to say. The right answer is no but I didn’t know if I should say the truth, it’s a hard thing to explain to a 6 year old. Obviously she’d question it since it’s not like I’ve been with Corbyn for years, therefore, pictures of when she was 4 and younger would be just the two of us without Corbyn.

“He can be your daddy if you want him to be, we also need to ask him if that’ll be okay,” I told her not really knowing what else to say.

I always imagined this moment, this question to be asked when Corbyn was around and to look at him for guidance on how this works.

“I can ask him to be my daddy?” She asked opening an eye to look at me.

I simply nodded my head not trusting myself to speak, feeling tears start to make my vision blurry.

“Ok. Goodnight mommy. I love you,” She said closing her eyes again.

She turned around so her back was facing me, curling up into a ball and cuddling her teddy. I played in her hair a bit to calm her down as she started to slowly fall asleep, her breathing changing once she was asleep. I got up off her bed slowly and quietly making my way into the hallway going into my room. Once I was in my room I shut the door. I held in my breath trying to get myself not to cry over that emotional moment, I was a mix of happy and sad that she asked me if Corbyn was her father. I knew this time would come at one point I just didn’t know how to properly deal with it, I was glad she wanted Corbyn to be her father figure but I was also mad that she doesn’t have a relationship with her biological father and most likely never will have a relationship with him.

I got ready to go to bed, taking off my makeup and putting on some of Corbyn’s clothes wanting to be as comfortable as possible. I grabbed the note he had handwritten to me before he left for tour rereading it while I sat on our bed. I grabbed my phone unlocking it going onto my social media, liking and commenting on some of the stuff my friends had posted. I went onto Instagram posting a throwback picture of me and Corbyn posting a cute caption about how I was excited to see him. I locked my phone and went back down the hall checking into Stella’s room to make sure she was still there asleep, which she was. I made my way downstairs going into the family room to watch some TV.

***

I had fallen asleep while watching TV and waiting for my boyfriend to come back home from his long tour. I opened my eyes hearing some noise coming from the lobby. I looked at the time on our clock noticing it was around 1am. I got up off the couch making my way over to the lobby seeing Corbyn there, a huge smile spread on my face I walked into his arms too lazy to run, he hugged me tightly to him, we pulled away a bit giving us space to kiss. I pressed my lips to his running my hand through his hair at the same time, afterwards holding him close to me, not believing he was here with me once again. It wasn’t a facetime call or a text message it was really him. When we pulled away from the kiss I shyly greeted him feeling like we were on our first date all over again.

“I missed you,” He said kissing all over my face making me laugh a bit.

I grabbed his hands wanting to grab him any moment I had so he wouldn’t simply vanish away.

“I missed you too,” I replied kissing the back of his hand a few times while I was still holding onto his hands, “I- Stella… She said something tonight and I need to talk to you about it, once you’re all settled.”

“I’ll unpack everything tomorrow, I just want to talk to you right now and cuddle then sleep,” He said with a cute smile on his face.

We went into our room and I told him what Stella told me, he seemed a bit shocked at first and then happy.

“How do you feel about it?” He asked.

I played with the blanket trying to keep myself busy, “I- Well it was a bit surprising at first but I don’t mind if you say yes, you’ve taken the fatherly role already in my opinion which is great, it’s amazing and Stella deserves you as a father,” Corbyn rubbed his eyes a bit a huge smile on his face, tears starting to spill down his face I put a hand on either side of his face, “Don’t cry babe,” I whispered pulling him closer to kiss him.

Once we were done kissing he cleared his throat a bit, “I’d love to be her father.”

I couldn’t wait to see what the future had in store for us. I couldn’t wait to become a family and have children of our own.

[jawnjendes]

bonus: i am all of me | shawn mendes

university au, shawn x goth oc

AN: the goth gf series is now a finalist in the @shawnblrficawards which is???? so fucking wild??? ppl care abt my story??? so yeah, to celebrate HERE IS A THROWBACK by throwback i mean this takes place in the university days, before the shawn meets series

goth gf masterlist | vote for goth gf maybe? | shawn meets masterlist

For someone who deviates the norm on a regular basis, I hung out with a lot of normal people. Most of my “goth” friends were back home in California, and the only “goth” friend I had here in Toronto was Patrick Markowski. He preferred not to be around the normies I hung out with, so it was just me against the world sometimes.

It’s not like I meant for my friend group to end up like this. At first, my only normal friend was Stella. But Stella was friends with Camila, who was friends with Shawn, who had been dating me for the last three months. Shawn was quite popular around campus, and he was always seen talking to someone. People liked him, and he loved people. I preferred laying low and being invisible, even though that was hard to do.

I was always in black lace, fishnets, platforms, or all of the above. I was rarely caught without my hair in my face or my signature winged liner. Putting me next to a normal guy was odd, and that wasn’t hard to notice. If Shawn introduced me to a stranger, that stranger always had the mildly disapproving stare. Not to mention, one of his friends just viewed me as the target to playfully bully.

When it came from the group of normal people I hang around with, it’s fine. Shawn’s best friend, Brian, constantly took the piss out of me. It was our primary form of communication at this point. I wear black, I steal souls and drink virgin blood. I can joke about it too. I actually liked it sometimes. It was fun to joke about my plan to steal Shawn’s heart and sacrifice it to Satan. Just girly things, y’know?

There’s something I didn’t appreciate, though. And it didn’t come from Brian or Shawn or anyone, really. It came from my own pride and lack of brain cells. It took one random game of Odds On with Camila that brought me face to face with a monstrosity and the realization that I may take this goth thing more seriously than I thought.

Camila was grinning as she held up the pink, ruffly dress. “You’re gonna look so pretty.”

Behind her, Stella was giggling. She witnessed the Odds On and was there to make sure I kept my word.

The dress was short sleeved, and the ruffles made a very poofy skirt. The pink was a horrifying pastel that made my skin crawl. I didn’t mind colors as long as I’m wasn’t the one wearing them.

“What dumpster did you pull that out of?” I asked.

“Forever 21!” Camila happily replied, laying the dress down on my bed.

“And you literally just bought this today?”

“Yup! You can keep it after as a token of my friendship.” She stuck her tongue out. “So, from sun up to sun down tomorrow, you have to wear this. And I have to see you at least once so I know you didn't cheat! No changing either!”

I always kept my word, almost to a fault. That’s why I didn’t bring up the knot in my stomach, or the dread hanging on my shoulders to anyone. I didn’t mention how pushing someone out of their comfort zone could do more harm than good. It was just a silly little bet. It was just clothing. I shouldn’t have been so worried about it.

That didn’t exactly stop me from telling Shawn about it over FaceTime. I kept my frustrations on a low simmer, knowing that Camila was one of my boyfriend’s friends.

“So don’t do it,” Shawn told me. “It’s a meaningless bet, right?”

“But I made a promise, and Camila already spent money at Forever fucking 21!”

“Mm, you do hate that store.”

“So much… Fuck, I’m actually dreading tomrrow.”

“Aw, babe…” He looked at me for a moment. “What if you fake sick? It’ll be believable since you get sick a lot.”

I hummed. “I’d have to wear it the next day. The point is for me to look stupid and out of character in public.”

“What if you accidentally damage the dress?”

“She’ll know I did it on purpose, and then I’d end up owing her…” I reached for the flimsy fabric on the floor and found the tag. “Thirty-five dollars?!”

Shawn didn’t say anything for a second. “Well… at least you look cute in pink!”

That made me groan in annoyance. No one seemed to get it. “It doesn’t matter how cute I look! It’s not my color! I’m gonna look so out of it and, and... “ I sighed and threw the dress back on the floor.

~

A deep pit formed in my stomach overnight. I wished it was enough to keep me bedridden, but the dress was going to be worn no matter what. I got ready for my morning classes as I normally did. Intense liner, black lipstick, kept my hair down. Put the dress on and paired it with my combat boots. Once I looked as least uncomfortable as could be, Stella came knocking on the door.

“Let me see, let me see!”

I couldn’t even fake a smile as I opened the door. Actually, I scowled at my roommate, who had her phone out. The flash went off, and I immediately used my bedroom door to shield myself.

“No pictures!” I snapped.

“Oh come on! Camila has to see that you followed through!” Stella replied. When I ignored her, she sighed. “Okay, my phone is in my pocket! And we’ll see Camila later today, anyway!”

I poked my head out the door, making sure my roommate kept her word. Still, nothing could really make this better. Well, apart from getting rid of the stupid dress.

"Let's get today overwith," I mumbled, slinging my bag over my shoulder.

Thankfully, Camila forgot to get a matching coat for today's look, so I found refuge in my leather jacket. That made going to classes a little easier, but I still felt out of place and just… not good. No one in my classes cared about how I looked, and that was fine. The permanent scowl on my face kept the guys in gaming club from saying anything at all too. My problem wasn't the fear of being singled out and made fun of. That happened when I dressed normally, I was immune to that.

Trust me, I was very aware of how dramatic I looked all the time. I knew just how odd I looked with my group of normal friends and my normal boyfriend. That's just how I am, and that's probably what bugged me. I was blending in too much, and it was so far from me that I wanted to jump out of my own skin.

Every part of me wanted to just fuck off to my dorm after my psychology class, but I had to remember my promise to Camila. She had to see for herself that I followed through. She sent a text asking to meet her at one of the picnic tables on the courtyard, and I knew damn well it wasn't going to be just her.

The distaste on my face was amusing to Camila, Stella, Brian, and Connor as I approached the table. I had my arms folded as their faces lit up in shock.

"Well, aren't you a ray of sunshine?" Camila giggled. "I can't believe you did it!"

I only chewed the inside of my cheek. Then, I turned to Brian, who was beside himself with silence. It's better than laughing in my face, I suppose.

"Go ahead, lay it on me," I told him.

"I would," he replied, "but Shawn…"

"Huh?"

The other three at the table were nodding in agreement. Camila pointed behind me, so I looked.

My jaw dropped.

There he was, six foot something in the exact same pink, ruffled dress as me. The top half of the dress was tight over his broad chest, it probably didn't zip all the way. The skirt was very short, showing a lot of Shawn's thighs. He bounded over to the table like nothing was out of the ordinary.

"Hey guys," he greeted, slinging his arm around me.

I was still caught with my mouth open at the sight of him.

"Oh my god," Camila said, floored.

"Well, don't we look pretty?" Brian said with a laugh.

"I'm always pretty, thanks," Shawn replied, dramatically running his fingers through his hair.

I was still silent. I didn't even know where to begin: The fact that the top half of the dress was one wrong move away from ripping? The fact that Shawn was on the receiving end of Brian's roasting? The fact that Shawn heard my mindless venting and took matters into his own hands? Or the fact that he did this shit instead of simply bringing me a bigger jacket? There was just too much to unpack here.

That, and a new appreciation for this guy I was dating. My shocked expression had morphed into a soft grin the longer I watched him casually talk with his friends.

It was a thoughtful(?) gesture, but it didn't fix anything.

~

I followed Shawn home like a lost puppy at the end of the school day. Apart from teasing thigh touches, neither of us had properly talked about our matching attire. Shawn talked about everything no matter what, so this was a little strange.

It was strange because I wanted to talk about it.

"So," I began when we were in his car, although I quickly realized I didn't know how to go about this. "Um… what the fuck?"

Shawn glanced at her once as he pulled out of the parking lot. “Huh?”

I gestured to the outfit, an expectant look on my face.

“Oh, that,” he said. “I figured you wanted the attention off of you.”

“So you got the same dress?”

“I got the same dress.”

There was a pause as I looked at him, a half smile on my face. My brain was still having trouble processing the fact that he did this… for me. Or, at all.

“Well…” I trailed off, pushing away the cheesy words threatening to spill out. “...that was pretty cool. Thanks.”

Shawn reached across the center console and took my hand. “You sounded pretty upset on FaceTime. I just wanted to make it a little easier for you.”

“It’s no big deal.”

He opened his mouth to say something else, but decided against it.

“What?” I asked. You can’t just do that and expect me not to question it.

Apparently, that was all Shawn needed for him to spill. “You made it seem like it was the end of the world. You kept saying that you had to follow through, but you weren’t happy about it at all. Even for a meaningless bet. I’m just wondering why.

“Uh…”

“You don’t have to tell me, of course,” he quickly added. “Whatever you want. I can listen, or we can pretend like this day never happened.”

If he had been looking at me and not the road, then this would have been an easy choice. Forget everything and burn the dress. But there was no eye contact in this vehicle. The words that had piled up in my throat since the bet finally started to spill out.

"Not to be all, 'it's not a phase mom,'" I began, "but the chokers, the dark makeup, and the skulls? It's all I am. It's apart of me. I was in black onesies as a baby. That whole subculture is my sense of belonging. The dark, creepy shit the mainstream world hates is my happy place. And it was taken away from me today.”

“So why didn’t you explain that to Camila? She would have understood.”

“I didn’t say anything because I would have gotten upset. Or worse, I would have cried.” I sighed. “Besides, it’s just clothing. It’s all vanity. It’s stupid for someone to throw a fit over things like that.”

I kept my eyes out the window. Shawn gently squeezed my hand to get me to turn back to him.

“It’s not stupid,” he told me. “You said it’s where you belong, and there’s nothing stupid about that. If how you express yourself is important to you, then no one can tell you otherwise.”

Oof, there’s that sting in my throat. I placed my free hand on top of his. “No offense to your friend, but if she wasn’t so taken with my friend, I would have clocked her for suggesting this in the first place.”

Shawn chuckled, then paused. “Wait. Taken with? Camila is taken with Stella?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. They seem close, I just didn’t wanna start anything with Camila, for Stella's sake."

"Gotcha. So…" Shawn's tone indicated that the subject was changing. "You gonna let me rip that dress off of you when we get to my place?"

"Mm… yeah."

_______

goth gf taglist: @normalcyisoverrated-beyou @ilsolee @mendesromano @1-800-khalid-mendussy @kitykatnumber @strangerliaa @iloveshawnieboi @someoneunimportantxx @goldenmndes @shawnsunflower @shawnvvmendes @parkeraul @ruinhoney @calyumthomas @havethetimeeofyourlifee @chillingbythesea @wronglanemendes @softmendesss

[womenofcolor15]

CALLED IT! Jodie Turner-Smith & Joshua Jackson Are Reportedly Married And Expecting Their First Child

We called it! Those rings they've been rocking and that look of a baby bump apparently are exactly what we first reported, if you believe the new reports. Queen & Slim star Jodie Turner-Smith, 33, and 41-year-old "When They See Us" star Joshua Jackson are reportedly married, and also expecting their first child together!

  Deets inside.

  Well, congrats are in order!  2019 will most def go down as the most epic year so far for our fave Queen, Jodie Turner-Smith!  She copped a ring, and reportedly a baby, to top off her huge year in Hollywood.

People magazine says a source close to the couple confirmed to them the marriage news.  A rep for "Dawson’s Creek" and "The Affair" alum Joshua Jackson, however, could not be reached for comment. A rep for Jodie did not respond to PEOPLE’s request for comment.

Last month, when the hot couple made their red carpet debut at the Queen & Slim premiere, we said it right here on TheYBF.com that Jodie was officially on Preggers Watch, and the rings the twosome have been rocking screamed wedding rings.  We suspected then that the twosome got married on the low.

The Daily Mail also posted pics of the the super cheery couple a few months ago out in Beverly Hills carrying an envelope after seemingly picking up a marriage certificate.  Joshua's mom, Fiona Jackson, was also with them that day, as well as at other times (pictured below in August).

Today, Us Weekly also reports they have confirmed via a source that Jodie is indeed pregnant with their first child together.

"Baby on board! Jodie Turner-Smith is pregnant and expecting her first child with her husband, Joshua Jackson, Us Weekly exclusively confirms.

Jackson is “so supportive of Jodie and loves to cheer her on,” a source told Us at the time.

  The British bombshell posted up a cute boo'd up pic with her new alleged hubby on Instagram:

    A few months ago, she went IG official with Joshua with this cutesy post:

        View this post on Instagram

                  two people who only fancy each other a little bit

A post shared by Jodie Turner-Smith (@jodiesmith) on Aug 12, 2019 at 12:52pm PDT

    They were spotted all over Beverly Hills together holding hands, hitting up Usher's 40th birthday party together and on each other's IG stories with other cutesy posts.  Us Weekly reports:

  The pair also professed their “love” for each other in September. “Babe,” the Neon Demon star said in an Instagram Story video, and he replied, “Yes, love?” When his girlfriend told him, “You look amazing, despite having had a fever of 101.8, just last night,” Jackson said, “That is how you can tell you’re in love.”"

Dating rumors between the two began in November 2018 when the couple were spotted holding hands in Los Angeles. A source told Us that they attended Usher’s 40th birthday party together the previous month and “were all over each other” and “gazing into each other’s eyes as they danced together the whole night.”

  The "Affair" star previously dated Diane Kruger from 2006 to 2016, and vowed to remain friends afterwards.

Jodie is beautiful AF.  But she hasn't always felt that way.  Because, colorism.  Despite being born in England to Jamaican parents, Jodie was raised in Gaithersburg, Maryland.  She reflected on her high school years in a recent throwback post where she explains just how real her glow up has been (even though she's always been gorge to us):

          View this post on Instagram

                  Proof That The Glow Up Has Been Really Real it’s been soooo long since i’ve seen these pictures, but because the internet is undefeated, i found them! a blast from the past! i’m humbled when i look at this girl. 17 year old me. not just because of how i look on the outside, but because i remember how i felt on the inside. i remember how badly i hated myself and hated the dark skin that made people call me ugly. how i turned my helplessness at being unable to change my outward appearance inward, by constantly cleaving away any and all parts of myself that i was told made me unacceptable to others. how i changed my voice, changed my hair, became captain of this and president of that, used my intelligence to build a wall around me, spent years in the practice of bending and shaping myself into the most acceptable form of Jodie for the people around me until there was nothing of me left but hate for a person i didn’t recognise and fear that i had become someone it was impossible to come back from... AND, MY GOD, IT WAS EXHAUSTING! but i say all that to say this— i am grateful for the girl in these photos and for every part of this journey. because i couldn’t be me, now, if i wasn’t first her, then. when you know what it feels like to hate yourself, finally loving yourself is a freedom that cannot be matched by anyone else’s approval also worth noting— i was voted Most Likely To Succeed! but we all thought it would be in somebody’s office

A post shared by Jodie Turner-Smith (@jodiesmith) on Dec 17, 2019 at 12:33pm PST

    As for how she landed in Hollywood: She worked at a bank in Philly after graduating from the University of Pittsburgh in 2008. A friend introduced her to Pharrell at a N.E.R.D. concert that year, and he convinced her to move to L.A. to model. She made the cross country trek the next year, and the rest is history.  Fun fact: She was the lead model in Future's "Feds Watching" video.

  Be sure to check out our breakdown of breakdowns about the most talked about film of the year - Queen & Slim.  We definitely get into every fire look Jodie slayed - from the braids to the short coif to that bomb skin. Check it:

  Photos: Pacific Coast News/MEGA/Instagram

[Read More ...] source http://theybf.com/2019/12/20/jodie-turner-smith-joshua-jackson-are-reportedly-married-and-expecting-their-first-child

[thisselflovecamebacktome]

Lover 1 month later thoughts

So for those who have missed my other posts, going back and listening to an album from start to finish at the 1, 2, 3 and 6 month points to see how my opinions on songs + the album itself change is a thing I do with Taylor albums now. If you’re that interested, here is my Lover release date thoughts along with my Reputation release date thoughts, my Reputation one month later thoughts, my Reputation two month later thoughts, my Reputation three month later thoughts and my Reputation seven months later thoughts.

All up: I tend to agree with people that it’s wild that this album has only been in our lives for a month. While it’s definitely still got that new shine to it that makes me listen to it more than most my other music at the moment, it feels as if it has integrated itself into my other music very well and feels like it’s been there forever. The general feel of the structure this album is reminiscent to Speak Now for me which probably sounds weird to say, but I feel while Taylor’s other albums felt like reading a chapter of a book into her life or watching a movie, these two albums feel like looking through a photo album. They are moments with great depth but are more loosely connected all together in a linear sense. I will also say that certain songs on this album were definitely growers for me to the point I probably could have made a Lover 1 week later post that was different from my first listen thoughts. It also means that while I have a clear top 3 and bottom 1 song, my ranking for the rest of the album moves around dramatically dependent on my mood. I’d also probably say that due to the growth of certain songs plus the different sounds throughout and quality of Lover, it has probably moved comfortably and purely into being my third favourite Taylor album behind RED and Reputation instead of sharing third place with Fearless. Finally, the more I listen to this album, the more I pick up little things that remind me of Australian artists I listened to in my childhood which is a nice throwback and makes me cherish those moments more.

I Forgot That You Existed: Hot take? The laughs in this song are the happiest parts of this album. Like that moment she realises she’s free from their grasp? Amazing and I can say from experience, is the most freeing feeling in the world. I definitely think it still gives off major Kate Miller-Heidke vibes, especially with the inflictions and voice/music changes on the indifference and blur lines. I also think it’s still Bad Blood’s older, wiser and just generally better sibling. In saying all of this, I can also understand why this would be a mood based song for some people because there are definitely days where I could listen to it on repeat while others it just plays in the background while I do my uni work or cleaning or whatever.

Cruel Summer: This song has definitely grown on me. I’ve also realised that a large part of the reason I wasn’t feeling it at first may or may not have been because it reminded me of a time and person I didn’t really want to think about so I legitimately think my brain subconsciously blocked out this song to the point it took weeks to learn the words when I had the rest of the songs down in days. I don’t know, that probably sounds stupid and weird but yeah, it was a thing. I also have to say that I couldn’t help myself laughing at people who thought she was calling his body blue because like all I could think of was Avatar to be completely honest. But then again, who am I to talk because I still have issues not hearing “he looks so pretty like a devil”? I also find it interesting that Taylor wants to make this a single given the perfect time for that would have been before the album came out given her focus on American charts. On that note though, I will say that a November/December release could be amazing for her if she is trying to broaden her horizons for tour because that’s Summer for the Southern Hemisphere and given how well Getaway Car did in Australia without being an official single and how related the two songs sound, I could see Cruel Summer smashing the charts here.

Lover: My thoughts on this song have basically stayed the same. The whole song has grown on me so I like it all now, but there’s just something so special about the bridge that it’ll probably always be my favourite part. It also still makes me want to ballroom dance/waltz and have a romantic partner, but alas, I do not have the time nor resources for either of those. I also can’t wait until Summer because I’m still feeling those Summer night time vibes and it’d be great to experience that. Either way, like I said the first time, it comes off Cruel Summer very well and feels more and more right being placed where it was in the album.

The Man: I think that this song is one of the most relatable songs Taylor will ever write to be honest. Like it is still a mood and one of the songs I listen to most from this album. There have also been two things that have made me appreciate the song even more. Firstly, my ex told me that despite being a man, The Man is in his top three songs for this album because he relates it to how people perceive his bisexuality and the racism he has faced. Secondly, I ran into my other ex (yes I’m that girl who stays friends with most her exes, mind your own business), and he told me that he was shocked that it wasn’t in my top three songs for the album because it’s ‘so [me]’, and I mean he’s not wrong. I guess that just speaks volumes of how strong my top three for this album are though because like if they can beat out a song I listen to constantly that people see as my song and thought was in that top three, then the others must be amazing haha. The only thing less than positive I will say about this song is I still think it feels a little weird coming off Lover.

The Archer: This song has been hitting more than usual lately (especially the bridge), but I still maintain that this song hits the hardest when you are in a specific mood. I also still maintain that The Man leading into The Archer is the best contrast transition on this album and I’m shocked more people have not spoken about it.

I Think He Knows: Talk about a grower. This somehow went from “yeah that’s cute” to one of my most played songs for this album. I still hear a mix of “That’s my toe” and “That’s my soul” instead of “Bless my soul” though if I’m honest. Also, I am very shocked at people being like “No Taylor, he doesn’t know holding a glass is attractive because there’s literally nothing sexual about that” because my god is that line relatable. Like there were so many times with my ex that I’d look at him doing something mundane and just go “Shit, I fucking love/want you right now”. I mean it wasn’t always sexual, like sometimes the way he held a kid would make me feel the romantic love I had for him more, but there were definitely sexual moments where he was doing mundane shit too. So yeah, I like get what Taylor meant a lot. As a final note, I made a post that I wanted booty shorts that said “Boy I Understand” across the ass and Imma be real, if Taylor doesn’t release them, a sequined version of that may or may not be my current tour outfit plan.

Miss Americana And The Heartbreak Prince: Imma be real, I completely missed the political undertones to this song on my first listen. And it makes me feel stupid not only for missing it but for then in the same breath saying I wanted a whole song on “If boys will be boys then where are the wise men?” because this song is literally that. Having the political view of this song definitely made it a lot better for me, especially seeing as even though it is a very American song, it heavily relates to how I feel about Australian politics at the moment. I also read a reading of it surrounding sexual assault, and as a victim, it both broke my heart and made me love the song even more. I still think it has very movie like and Lana Del Rey like vibes to it. This is the other of the songs my ex wrongfully guessed was in my top 3 because he got the political message straight off and as such also thought it was ‘so [me]’. All up, I think this is one of the most important songs Taylor has written and I can definitely see myself listening to it for years to come.

Paper Rings: This is still a feel good bop that I can mostly put on at any point and enjoy, but to be honest, it’s still not one I’ve gravitated towards. Like it’s got some killer lyrics in “Without all the exes, fights and flaws we wouldn’t be standing here so tall” and the bridge in general. But yeah, something about it just hasn’t stuck with me past “it’s a cute song” which is interesting given how many people I’ve spoken to that say this is a favourite of theirs.

Cornelia Street: I saw a post a few days ago about how someone can’t listen to Lover because they keep stopping at Death By A Thousand Cuts and repeating it because they love it that much and to be honest, that’s how I feel about Cornelia Street. Like even now, I’m fighting the urge not to just listen to this for the next few hours on repeat. I’m not exactly what it is about this song but something just grabs my soul every time I listen to it in a way that most songs don’t. Upon my first listen, I felt that this and Soon You’ll Get Better shared the spot for my favourite song on this album, but now I have to say that Cornelia Street has surpassed it and is a clear favourite. That’s really all I’ve got to say about this song; like it’s just that good.

Death By A Thousand Cuts: Lyrically this song has grown on me a lot in the last month, especially the line “I ask the traffic lights if it will be alright; they say I don’t know” and I think had this come out on Reputation or a year before, it would have been a favourite lyrically because it would have been relatable as fuck; but I’m not in that headspace anymore. The production also still isn’t my favourite so I’m glad she’s done that acoustic version at the France show, but I still also really want a piano version at some point.

London Boy: I’m gonna be real, I can probably count the amount of times I’ve listened to this on my hands. Like it’s cute and I’d have no issue with it playing, but it’s just not at relatable to me and there’s just songs on the album and otherwise I’d rather listen to.

Soon You’ll Get Better: As I alluded to in my first post, the most heartbreaking thing about this song for me is knowing the person I relate it to most isn’t going to get better because she doesn’t want to. Much like Death By A Thousand Cuts, had this come out at a time where I still had that hope, it probably would have rivaled Ronan as my favourite Taylor song ever. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still a top two track on this album for me, but I know when I eventually get around to reranking all of Taylor’s songs, it’s going to be a lot lower than it otherwise may have been. It also somewhat concerns me hearing “Who am I supposed to talk to, what am I supposed to do if there’s no you” after hearing Taylor saying that she’s not getting professional psychological help and Andrea is the main source of venting. Like I know she’s got other support, but losing someone that vital (as much as we don’t want to talk about it, Andrea is probably going to die before Taylor, cancer or not) is rough when you do have professional help, let alone when you don’t. I mean I know it’s not my place to push anything, but it definitely does make my “protective mum friend” mode come to life and want to protect Taylor and I just hope that should the worst happen, she’s got everything she needs to move past it.

False God: Again, another song that has grown a lot on me. I think the production and New York City line being part of this song just felt so leftfield for me upon the first listen that I somewhat threw it away, but like after getting used to it, I adored it.

You Need To Calm Down: I don’t really have much to say about this song itself. It’s still an absolute bop that I listen to at least daily. I do find it interesting that most people said that this would be the song they would take off the album because it doesn’t ‘fit’ because in some ways I see that. But by the same note, I feel like it connects really well with The Man and I Forgot That You Existed that it does fit. Personally I feel like if it was in the first half of the album, less people would have said it should have been the one to chuck, but I guess we’ll never know.

Afterglow: I honestly haven’t listened to this song as much as I thought I would. Like this would have been a 2018 me anthem, but 2019 me has not burnt any bridges or caused bad fights so there’s just not the need to listen to it. I did listen to it enough to realise that the Weeknd vibes I heard production wise was a similar beat to Wicked Games. Also, the way Taylor says “I don’t want to do this, I don’t want to do this to you” gives off major The Veronicas vibes which I have to wonder if that was intentional given Taylor’s friendship with Ruby Rose during the time Ruby and one of the girls dated. All up, it’s a good song that I’m sure I’ll cry to and heal with one day, but today is not that day.

ME!: This is still by far my least favourite song on the album, but I’ve gotten to the point where it can play in the background and given I’m in the right mood, I won’t actively skip it. Really its only saving grace in my opinion is how well it comes off Afterglow. I do also wish she would have put something else in the “spelling is fun” part because as much as that part was not my favourite, it sounds empty as fuck now to the point it’s kinda awkward.

It’s Nice To Have A Friend: Okay look, I get that this is potentially the most different sounding song Taylor will ever write and a bit to get used to, but it grows so much on you if you let it. Like the Sunday after release date, me and the ex that relates to The Man were just laying on my bed, drinking Camomile tea and listening to Lover (for the first time for him and first time in company for me) in silence and in the moment this song was playing, it clicked for me. Like it truly is nice to have a friend. And in that moment, it was just so relaxing and I was so at peace with myself. So I’m not going to stand here and say that this song is the one I’ve listened to most, but given the right mood, this song really hits and I hope that you all get to experience that one day because it truly was incredible.

Daylight: My new ‘song written for a romantic relationship that I relate to on a self love basis’ song. I’m not quite sure if it meets This Love’s standard on that front purely because again, timing is a funny thing and This Love came out right when I needed it whereas I don’t “need” Daylight as much. But I still love it to the point that it rounds off my top 3 for this album and is the one song my ex correctly guessed was in that top 3. I will say that I find it interesting that most the interpretations of the line “Clearing the air, I breathed in the smoke” where positive, because to be honest, I did and still take it as “being too nice gets you in trouble” teas. Like I assumed that she meant that she was so desperate to make things good with certain people that she injured herself in the process. Either way, as I said, I love this song and as I said the first time, it’s definitely a good closer to the album

[fanfics4all]

A Lodge Between Us: Part 2

Request: Yes / no 

Don’t be shy, request things! <3 Have a nice day/night (Request are closed)

Archie x Lodge!Reader

Word count: 3100

Warnings: Nothing I think.

Y/N: Your Name

Y/N/N: Your Nickname

F/C: Favorite Color

Summary: You’re Veronica Lodge’s little sister and are dating Archie Andrews. You’re nothing like your sister, you don’t care about the riches and you don’t follow your parent's orders blindly. You become close with the Southside and want to stop your father but your father has gotten into Archies head and is the devil on his shoulder.

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Masterlist

Part 1, Part 2

(Not my photo, credit to whoever made it!)

Veronica and I were walking out of The Pembrooke when Smithers stopped us from leaving.

“Oh, wait, Ms. Y/N. You might want to take the side exit.” He said and we looked at him confused.

“Why?” I asked.

“Yeah, why Smithers? Because she might bump into me coming in from an early run?” Our father said slightly out of breath, walking in the door.

“Good morning daddy.” Veronica said with a smile.

“Good morning, Father.” I said with a neutral expression on my face.  

“Mija. You leave before breakfast, you come after your mother and I have had dinner. I can't remember the last time we had a meal together as a family.” He said with a slightly annoyed tone.

“I can. It was at the Dakota. The day you got arrested.” I said with a sarcastic smile.

“Y/N!” Veronica said shocked.

“Well, perhaps we should talk about that. Tonight, at dinner. The four of us.”

“Unfortunately, I have plans. To quote that New Yorker cartoon, how about never, Dad, is never good for you?” I said in his face then walked out the door to school.

It was after school and Betty, Jughead, Veronica, Archie, and I were all sitting outside talking.

“It's another win for the bad guys. No one was there. His entire staff quit. He says he's not sure how long he'll be able to keep the doors open, maybe not even a week.” Jughead said, he was talking about Pop’s. He had gone there for breakfast and it was horrible, he even told us how someone spray painted ‘Death Diner’ on the side of the shop.

“It's because of what happened to my dad. People are freaking out. And I gotta be honest, guys, I don't see myself going back any time soon.” Archie said and I placed a hand on his back.

“Wait, I'm sorry, am I hearing acceptance? I'm not letting one psychopath with a gun dictate what happens to our place.” Betty said and then looked at Jughead.

“Jug, you went crazy trying to save the drive-in.” She added.

“I can't take on any more social issues right now. My hands are full.” Jug said with a sigh.

“With your dad, of course. And he should be your priority. I'll take point on helping Pop Tate.” She said ready to think of a plan.

“I'll help, too, Betty. Hey, anything to get me away from my parents, I'm in.” I said smiling.

“I’ll help too.” V said.

“I gotta jet. I'm off to meet my dad's court-appointed joke of a lawyer at the sheriff's station.” Jughead said grabbing his bag.

“I'm gonna come with you, Jug. I gotta drop some flyers off for Sheriff Keller.” Archie said also grabbing his things. I gave him a kiss and the boys got up to leave.

“Bye.” I said and the two walked off, leaving us girls alone. The three of us talked about what we could do to help Pop Tate out for a few hours and then we all went home for the night.

I was sitting at my vanity all dressed for the day, I was wearing a gray and white striped crop top, a high waisted pink skirt, white ballet flats, and had my pink purse at the ready. For makeup, I did a pink and gray eyeshadow with a winged eyeliner and a more natural toned pink.

I was just finishing my lips when my phone rang. I looked to see who it was and it was Betty.

“Hey B, what’s up?” I answered.

“Hey, Archie’s bed looks like it hasn’t been slept in recently…” My face contorted in confusion.

“Um, okay. Thanks, Betty I’ll go over there right now.” I said and hung up. I finished my makeup, grabbed my purse and quickly left the house.

I got to Archie house and knocked on the door. Archie answered the door shirtless and smiled when he saw it was me.

“I know you haven't been sleeping in your room. So where exactly have you been spending your nights?” I asked him speciously.

“Come in, let me get dressed then let’s walk.” He said stepping aside to let me in. I waited for him to get dressed and then we left his house.

“So Betty?” He asked.

“Yes, Betty. Ever since you and your dad got home from the hospital, she's noticed your room's been unusually empty and quiet. Why?” I asked confused.

“So I can Watch the doors. So I can make sure no one comes in. I know it sounds crazy, but the guy who shot my dad is still out there, Y/N/N, and I'm scared he's gonna come back and finish the job.” He said with a sigh.

“Archie, you went through something deeply traumatic. Can I make a suggestion?” I asked looking up at him.

“Please. Anything.”

“When I lived in New York, I saw a therapist once a week to help me get through all sorts of family drama. Now, I'm not saying to go see a therapist, Archie, but maybe the school counselor could help?” I said and he looked down at me with a small smile.

“Or I’ll always be here for you Archie.” I said with a smile.

“I know you are Y/N.” He said and kissed me.

We continued our way to school and I was meeting Betty, Veronica, and Kevin at the Blue and Gold office. We all sat down and Betty started talking about ways we can save Pop’s.

“We can't let the terrorists win. We need to host an event at Pop's that reminds the town of simpler times. Like, a throwback to when the shoppe first opened its doors.” She said with a smile.

“Betty, I like a good milkshake as much as any girl, and Pop's puts Serendipity 3's to shame. But, why this hill to die on?” My sister asked and I looked at her confused. She was all for this yesterday…

“Orange freezes with my mom and Polly after ballet. Chicken noodle soup with my dad after ice-skating Grilled cheeses with Archie on the last day of summer vacation. It's where I met you for the first time, Vee.” She smiled and then looked at Kevin and me.

“It's where I met you guys for the first time.” She said still smiling.

“Also Jug. He may lose his dad, but maybe I can save this one place for him For all of us.” She said with a slightly sad tone. There was a knock on the door and we all turned towards it.

“Hey, Y/N, may I speak to you?” My dad asked holding my F/C roses and a small white box.

“Daddy!” Veronica said happily.

“Daddy?” Kevin and Betty said confused and looked at each other. I sighed and got up to go talk with my father.

“Every day I was in prison, I thought about getting back to you, your sister and your mother. And I knew it wouldn't be easy, I knew it would take time. Meet me halfway.” He said as we sat down at a table.

“I would love for everything to go back to the way things were. The four of us, walking into some fabulous gala or ball. You with your favorite girls. But I can't. The blindfold's off, Daddy, I can't just put it back on.” I sighed.

“I'm sorry, but I should get back to my friends.” I said grabbing my bag and standing up.

“Yeah, hey, so Were you, uh Planning a dance in there?” He asked with a small smile.

“An event. To keep Pop's from closing.”

“Well, if I can help in any way-”

“I’ll let you know.” I said cutting him off and walked back into the school.

We continued talking about the event when the bell ran telling us that we had cheer practice. Betty, Veronica, and I went to the locker room and got changed then went out into the gym.

“Humpty and Dumpty. Y/N. Just in time to meet our newest recruit.” Cheryl said motioning to Josie.

“In addition to my duties as a Pussycat. And, I just wanna say, girls, I'm so excited to work on my moves and to be a team player, as long as I'm in the front.” Josie said smiling back at us.

“Wait, Cheryl, does that mean you're taking the Vixens back from me?” Veronica asked and Cheryl gave her signature smile.

“But, really, Veronica, were they ever yours?”

“Cheryl, we were wondering if maybe the Vixens would help at an event to save Pop's.” Cheryl laughed a bit then smile.

“Oh, Betty. I did not emerge from the frozen depths of Sweetwater River, nor the flames of Thornhill, to allow my Vixens to sling milkshakes at some death-cursed diner. The answer is a double-cherry-on-top no.” Cheryl said and smiled again. She shooed us away.

“Okay.” Betty said with a smile.

“Great talk.” Veronica said with a smile also.

“Not you Y/N/N.” Cheryl said holding my wrist and kept me talking with her and Josie. We practiced and Cheryl had put Josie and I in the front with her.

The next day was Saturday and I told Betty I would get some decorations for Pop’s I was just coming home with a large bag when I got a call.

“Oh, Ms. Y/N, I'll take those for you.” Smithers said taking the bag from me.

“Oh, thank you, Smithers.” I said smiling at him then answered my phone.

“Hey Betty.” I said and Smithers and I started walking to the elevator.

“An anonymous buyer is buying Pop’s!” She said causing me to stop walking.

“What?” I said shocked and then took the bag out of Smither’s hands, he looked confused but I was so annoyed that I just walked away. I went upstairs and saw my parents and sister eating dinner.

“Are you buying Pop's? The way you bought the drive-in? Anonymously?” I asked walking up to the table and placed the bag down.

“And are you doing this just to buy me? Yesterday, at school, did you think, "Oh, Y/N's working so hard to save the Chock'lit Shoppe, I'll just save it for her!"” I said angry and walked closer to my father.

“Y/N, I'm not buying Pop's. Now, please, lower your voice and sit so we can speak civilly.” My dad said motioning to a chair.

“Do you really want to talk, Dad?” I asked raising my eyebrow.

“That's all I've wanted. A fair hearing. To explain myself.” He said and everyone looked at me.

“Okay. Let's talk about Mr. Andrews.” My mother and sister’s eyes widened.

“Mom asked him to sell his portion of the SoDale project, and the day after he rejected the offer, he was shot in Pop's. Was it your doing?”

“Y/N, first you accuse me, then your father?” My mother asked shocked.

“No, no. I didn't shoot Fred. Nor did I hire someone to do it.” He said stopping my mother.

“I may not be daddy’s little girl, and I may not be your favorite but I still defend you! I kept telling myself, "He's not that bad. You can forgive him." And then you sent me this. A letter threatening you, Mom. That's the kind of man you're letting back into our lives.” I said pulling out a letter and handing it my mom. Her and my sister looked at it and then looked at my father.

“Y/N, Your father didn't write this letter. I did.” My mom said and I looked at her confused.

“I don’t understand…”

“I needed you to testify on your father's behalf, so I wrote this letter. Threatening myself. Not your father.” She said and my dad reached over to hold her hand.

“She did it for us. To survive. So we can be a family again.” He added with a smile. I scoffed and shook my head looking at them.

“You two deserve each other.” I said grabbed my coat and walked to my room.

“Veronica, go talk to your sister.” Is the last thing I heard before I walked in my room.

Moments later my sister walked in. I was getting dressed for bed and she sat on my bed, her legs crossed.

“You need to get over this vendetta you have against daddy.” She said and I rolled my eyes.

“You need to wake up and see the darkness in him!” I said annoyed that she still thinks they’re actually good. She rolled her eyes at me.

“Y/N-”

“Unless the next words out of your mouth are you’re right and I’m sorry, I don’t wanna hear it.” I said cutting her off.

The next day I was staying late at school, avoiding going home, but also helping finish the posters and whatnot for Pop’s. I sighed looking through the pictures on my phone of my dad and me happy, before I realized what he was doing.

“I don't have red hair, nor broad shoulders, or a blonde ponytail, for that matter. Do you wanna talk?” Jughead said grabbing a cupcake and taking a seat.

“You were ready to walk away from your dad, And now, you're crusading for his freedom. What changed?” I asked with my arms crossed.

“He did. He made an effort. Took another swing at being a good dad.” He smiled taking a bit of the cupcake.

“But don't you think some people can't change? Like, it's just in their DNA to be bad?” I asked and his smile fell.

“I'm not gonna presume to know what lies in your father's heart. But Archie's dad almost died. And my dad is going away for 20 years. If there's even a .0001% chance that your dad is trying-”

“I get it… Thanks, Jug.” I smiled and he smiled back. He left and I stayed a bit longer to finish up then went home to get some much-needed sleep for Pop’s tomorrow.

I got dressed in my Vixens try out uniform and meet my sister outside our house. We walked to Pop’s having mindless conversations until we got there. Everyone was there cleaning the outside and inside to get ready for tonight. I grabbed a bucket and went to help Kevin.

“Hey, has Betty called?” He asked Veronica when she walked by.

“Not yet. Let's pray Cheryl comes through for them.” She said and walked away. They were talking about FP’s trial and it was going to be hard for Jug if his dad didn’t make it. We all finished up, Betty and Jughead walked in with uniforms and skates for the girls and aprons for the boys.

It dark out now and there were only a few people that actually showed up. I was at the counter waiting for more customers when Josie walked in. Her and Betty talked in hush tones so I couldn’t hear what they were saying but then they walked outside. Everyone followed and Josie, Melody, and Cheryl were on the roof singing a cover of ‘Milkshakes’. I went back inside to serve tables when my boyfriend walked in.

“Hey Daddy-O.” I said walking up to him.

“Hey.” He said and wrapped his arms around my waist and I wrapped mine around his neck.

“You made it! You feeling okay?” I asked worried about him.

“Yeah. Just taking deep breaths.” He said a little scared.

“I’m proud of you.” I said with a smile and kissed him.

“Come on, you take a booth. And I'll get you a shake.” I said sitting him down.

“Daddy! Mom!” I heard Veronica say and when I turned around there they were. I walked up to them with a neutral face.

“We're not here to fight, we're here to be supportive.” My dad said with a smile.

“Dad, Mom. I've been thinking.” I said and looked over at Jughead, he gave me a smile and a nod.

“Tonight is a new beginning for Pop's. And Maybe it can be for us, too.” I said carefully.

“That's up to you, mija. If that's what you want.”

“Let's try. But, you guys, total transparency, okay?” I said making it clear to them.

“From now on.” My dad said with a smile and we hugged.

“In the spirit of that, I propose that Lodge Industries make a charitable contribution.” He suggested and I smiled and nodded. They went to sit down and I went to go get Archie his shake.

After a little while Pop Tate gathered everyone up to make a speech, I was in Archie’s arms watching Pop talk.

“I gotta put her on the spot. It's thanks to this young lady here that Pop's gets to stay open tonight, tomorrow As long as you folks keep coming!” He said point at Betty and everyone started cheering and clapping.

“Thanks, also, to the Lodge family for a donation they just made that gives us a little cushion to weather any storm that might come up.” He said pointing to my parents. Again everyone cheered at clapped. Betty, Jughead, Veronica, Archie and I all sat in a booth with our own milkshakes and coffee.

“Y/N, should I introduce myself to your dad?” Archie asked looking at my parents.

“You've faced enough dragons for one night. Next time, baby.” I said with a smile.

“So, I guess tonight is a win for the good guys.” Betty asked looking at Jughead with a smile.

“A rare win, but, yes.” Jughead said with a smile of his own.

“Thanks to you Betty.” Veronica said.

“You okay?” I asked Archie as he looked out the window.

“I'm here with you guys. So, yeah. I think so.” He said and I snuggled into his side.

Once the night was over I went home with my family. We walked into The Pembrooke and someone new was at Smithers’s desk.

“Evening, Mr. and Mrs. Lodge. You must be Y/N and Veronica.” The man said and Veronica and I looked at each other confused.

“Where's Smithers?” I asked.

“Oh, he didn't tell you? His mother fell ill so he went home overseas to care for her.” Our father said.

“Did he leave a forwarding address?” He asked the new guy.

“I'll try to track one down, sir.” The new guy said.

“Thank you, Andre.” Dad smiled and he and mom walked away. Veronica and I looked at each other then Andre confused. We followed our parents up to our apartment to turn in for the night. 

Tag list: @jojokoko0717 @lilaqueenquinn @lonelydoode  @nixdunbarhale @nixdunbarhale2

[natasha-talks]

The Relapse-

4th August 2021; Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

This is something that is so difficult for me to do. I don't even know how to construct a full sentence. I couldn't find the right word to describe what i'm feeling. Like a baby, who is not able to talk trying to tell her parents that she is in absolute pain - She cries.

I've been feeling this for about a month, i would say. But i kept on being in denial because i've been told so many times that everything is fine to a point i thought i was overthinking. But i'm turning 23 in 6 days and no, my intuitions are always right. Always.

Yesterday, the man that i love most finally said that it's not going to work out. It didn't kill me but something inside me died. It felt like someone poured salts all over your wounds. It was too painful because he gave up on us while i'm still here trying to understand and fix things. I was not sad that he's going to leave me because i understand that this ain't just about me, it's about him too. His feelings matter. But it killed me when he started disrespecting me with "What the hell?" "What the hell is wrong with you?" "Shhhhhhhit" and the list goes on. I have always looked up to him as someone who is mature but yesterday, i felt like i was talking to a different person. It's like i have never known him. I saw the look in his eyes and the only thing i could see was.. nothing. He looked at me as if i am the most horrible person in this world. But i let it slide because i know that he's been dealing with things and i really thought that i've been there for him but the truth is, i am stupid for thinking he would actually notice and appreciate the little things i've done for him when i have actually saw numerous signs that he's not that type. From the things he said about himself to the things he said about other people. It made me realise yesterday that it is a narcissistic behavior. But somehow, it still didn't change the amount of love that i have for him. Because i saw it. I saw it from the very beginning but i still chose him. I chose him, fully and i knew what i was signing up for.

He said that it's me. I am flawed, i know but it's not like i don't want to try and make things better. I kept on asking but i guess, that will never be enough. He said I treated him poorly by not giving comfort. I have told him to teach how he wanted it to be because my way of comforting is different and i have never dealt with people saying that i'm not a good listener or good at giving comfort. But yea, there are so many things that i've done but it will never be seen. I knew it for quite some time and yesterday, he proved me right again. It's when i said i do understand but he quickly cut me off by saying i don't and gave an example. You see, he would focus on the flaws instead of the good things i've done. He didn't notice that talking to him is like having to walk on eggshells. But i'm not complaining, i have never complained because again, i knew what i was signing up for and i love him still up until this very moment and i think i will always love him no matter what he puts me through because i really really let down my walls for this man when i have actually promised myself not to be with anyone. I even brought him back home to meet my parents. My mom was the one who told him that he's the first because i have never been that type.

Yesterday made me realise that he said everything is about me. At first, i almost fell for that but while i was busy crying, it actually made me realise that this relationship was not about me or us. It's about him. When he asked me what did i want him to do for me, i said "Im just looking for respect in this relationship" and he said he wants comfort and peace. He started listing out other things too. If i were to ask, there are so many things that i wanted but i never did because i really really accept him for the way he is. He never gave me comfort, it's always "It's okay, i'm here. We'll get through this together" -- I'm not complaining by the way. The comfort that i need is advise, is for someone to guide me when i'm wrong and have a discussion about it. But again, i have never complained. Whatever that he gave me, i accepted it and i do appreciate it. But it's sad. It's really sad that it's not the same for him.

He told me yesterday that i couldn't let go of my past. To be honest, i have never cared about the people from my past. He told me many times that its a new book and i started to view things differently. I started posting throwbacks when i saw it coming. One of my ways of coping to look back and remind myself that it's possible for me to be happy. Those were all me at my best and how i dealt with things. It got nothing to do about me wanting to be the old Natasha. Because the current Natasha is the one who made it through. Who has been clean for a year and a half. I am proud of her even when nobody else does because i know i did this on my own - of course, with the help of my friends and my extended family members. Arwah atuk left me last Ramadhan and my world changed. It felt like 2018 again. I miss him. I really really do because he gave me comfort that i couldn't have. A person that i can be vulnerable with without having the fear of being judged. But he's gone for good.

He told me yesterday that when things didn't go my way about the pasta panas, i started acting poorly. That was the first argument we had. He's not wrong, i did act poorly even when i know it's not his fault. I know he wants to put me on the good side. But that day, it really broke me because he actually said that he missed me, for the first time the day before and i was so excited to see him. It was never 100% about pasta panas? It's just me wanting to show him that i miss him too. I apologised but he brought it up again yesterday. He brought up so many things to a point i questioned myself, was he lying this whole time? Because he told me he forgave me and it's important to learn and grow.

That's the word. I want to grow and i know that i can always grow alone because i've been there, done that. But i chose to grow with this man because i may not know how to show it according to him, i love him with all of me. It hurts me soooooooooooo bad knowing that he's hurt. Because i never wanted to hurt him. That's why i kept my distance when we first started talking because i knew that i was not healed. I took my time to heal and i came back when i was ready even when i thought he was seeing someone else because of the story he posted. But i tried. I could have always date someone else but the reason why i chose him, it's not only because i thought he's smart. It's because i really prayed for signs and then 27th January came. Things didn't go like how we both expected but yea, i have never stopped praying and it's always him. The signs, it's always leading back to him.

Yesterday, it was the day when i cried the hardest because it was painful. Too painful even when i know i can always get over it but i have no idea, why.. it's painful. From 12pm i was crying over the phone with Danish because i knew somethings not right but he left me in the dark and i couldn't stand wondering what did i do. I couldn't talk to him because he made himself unavailable. Even when he's available, he would say that things were okay. It was never fair. Not for me and for anyone who was put in that situation. I could have done it to him a lot of times but never once it came across my mind to do that to him. I know i mentioned about red flags at the beginning of this post-- "You know it's going to hurt you so bad right when this relationship is over?", he's right. It will hurt me because i love him more but it's never right to say that as if i am not capable of fighting it. Plus, i've been through everything. It will hurt me like hell if this relationship is over but i hope Allah will give me the strength if the day comes. Nauzubillah min zalik. Something that i don't ever want to face is the day that i know it's not going to work out.

Yesterday, i have never prayed hard for things to go back the way it used to be or for things to get way better for the both us. I have never cried to a point i couldn't close my eyes because it's going to hurt my head so much and it felt like my eyes were burning but after an hour of struggling to sleep, i finally slept and i accidentally woke up at 1.52am. I tried sleeping back but i couldn't and at 2.05am, i decided to perform solat tahajjud. I googled how to perform solat tahajjud and i did it. It was my first solat tahajjud. I forgot to mention that, Asr, Maghrib, Isya' and tahajjud, i couldn't control my emotions because of the Kaaba on my praying mat, it reminded me of him. He planned to take me there with him after our nikah. He wants to perform umrah and Hajj with me as a husband and wife. I couldn’t help it. I felt so weak. 

My last sujood for Subuh, i poured my heart out to Him. I was shaking, i couldn’t control my emotions. All the prayers i made yesterday, it was all just for us. Not for me, just us. I really really want this to work out and i know that only He can change this. I poured my heart out on the praying mat for Him to soften both of our hearts, for Him to shower us with comfort and peace, for Him to protect us from the evil eye, shaytan, iblis, humans and unwanted diseases, for Him to ease our journey and bless our relationship as we want to make this halal, for Him to shower us with endless rizq and success, for Him to make us a better Muslim, for Him to protect us from the hellfire and place us in the highest rank of Jannah. The rest, it’s between me and Him. I prayed really hard for this.

But hey! Look on the bright side, i performed my first tahajjud. While i was crying to Him, a thought came to me.. Maybe this is a way for Him to remind me that He can give everything that i need, something that i’ve been praying for and He can also take everything away from me in a blink of an eye if i do not practice myself as a good Muslim. Maybe this is a test for me and for him for us to grow stronger and wiser. Suddenly, there’s a voice inside my head telling me to have patience because this is shaytan’s doing. They do know that we want to make things halal and that’s something that they hate so they have made a promise to create chaos in our heads and turn us against each other, in the end, everything will be ruined. I am a firm believer that Allah is the only Protector and He will protect us from all of these. 

This test is not only to test our faith but it is also to test our patience. I almost gave up but i did not. No matter what he puts me through, i signed up for this and after all the things we’ve been through, i still choose to look at him the same way as i did at the very beginning. He hurt me but it doesn’t that he’s the only one. I hurt him too and i wish to stop, that’s why i kept on asking in order to make this work. Leaving was never an option for me because no matter what, i don’t want to make it a habit because this habit, it will be carried until marriage. When things get rough, you fix and work together against it, not leave. What will happen to the kids if we are unable to control our emotions? I am tired of always being the bigger person and still, not be seen because i do realise that i am surrounded by so many people with a slight narcissistic attitude or worst, some are just purely narcissists. 

For this man, he’s not. I don’t blame him. I’ve been telling myself that maybe he is so used to being in a bubble where all of the people around him would always make him feel good and he would always feel like he needs to be good. Maybe i’m wrong and this will probably offend him but i don’t sugar coat things to make someone feel good. But that’s the thing, your partner shouldn’t be the kind of person who needs to always sugar coat things, your partner should be the one who would remind you and slap you with reality. You will never grow if you’re so comfortable not having people going against you, you will never grow if you cannot accept opinions and only want the things that you want without thinking about other people. Relationships should be about two people compromising. I used to do that to people and at the end, they felt so powerful and they threw me away as if i was nothing because they thought they could get everything. Oh by the way, i’m not comparing. He’s not even in the category to be compared with. He told me that i need to do a lot of learning and i admit that but i think he needs it too because the he projects his issues, that’s not the way it should be. Those words, the way he listens- defensive listening, the body language and so many more. It’s a learning process. 

5.07pm; I stopped crying because i know that this is what the shaytan would be so happy about. Filled myself with rage, sadness and thoughts i shouldn’t have. But i know i’ve been here for too many times and it is so stupid of me if i would react the same way. I’ve learned a lot and i won’t repeat the same mistakes again. 

For now, i’m counting days until Allah grants all of my prayers about us. 

I miss him but i respect his space. I know he’s okay without me, this is test for me to fight alone. 

Lots of love, 

NNS.

[handguns-4-hearts]

Coming to Terms with Marilyn Manson as an Abuser

TW- Rape, Domestic Violence, Abuse, Intimate Partner Violence 

“If you can’t hear the whole truth, you will never know true empathy, and I believe that if we have to live through it, you have to hear it.”  - ERW

Today, I saw this video of Evan Rachel Wood offering testimony to support a bill called the “Survivor’s Bill of Rights.”

Listening to her testimony caused tears to stream down my face, and my entire body to shake like an autumn leaf. Her story struck me so deeply because it reminded me of my own abusive relationship. For a moment, I was transported back into that state of indescribable fear, desperation, and helplessness that created the fabric of my reality from the years 2012-2014.

“I had no idea what to do to change my situation so I went numb. And soon I couldn’t feel anything, I wasn’t alive. My self esteem and spirit were broken. I was deeply terrified and that fear lives with me to this day. What makes me more hurt and more angry than the actual rape and abuse itself, was that piece of me that was stolen that altered the course of my life.” - ERW

It is impossible to explain to someone who hasn’t been abused what it’s like, but ERW does quite a good job. These words echoed through me, it felt like they were reverberating off my bones. When I think back on my abusive relationship, it’s hard not to believe that it ruined my life. It’s hard not to believe that it ruined me. The person I was before that, and the person I am now, are incredibly different. I have still not fully rebuilt my self esteem and spirit. I still constantly question what I think and feel because my abuser manipulated and gaslighted me to a breaking point in which I lost the ability to believe myself, and believe IN myself. Although I have made significant recovery, I know that I will never be the same.

Hearing this testimony was difficult because of my experience, but what makes it even more difficult is my certainty that she was abused by Marilyn Manson. Marilyn Manson. My everything. My greatest teacher. The person who made me who I am today more than anyone else in my life.

You see, my experience in an abusive relationship was narrated by MM. I fell in love with my abuser at a MM show. Our connection was based around our mutual love and understanding of MM. The albums Eat Me, Drink Me and THe High End of Low played on repeat throughout our time together. It wasn’t until after I began to understand my relationship as the abuse that it was, that I began to notice the abusive aspects of Marilyn Manson within these albums and some of the interviews and videos surrounding them. I began to notice a bubbling of discomfort with my love of Marilyn Manson. I saw so much of him in my abuser, and so much of my abuser in him, that sometimes I would look at the posters of him on my walls and feel a confusing mix of adoration, love, and fear. The same things I felt for my abuser. I wasn’t able to listen to the those two albums for about 2 years after I ended my abusive relationship. I recultivated my love of Marilyn Manson, appreciating him for everything that he has done for me, telling myself that MM is the one thing that no one can take from me, and promising that nothing he could ever do would change the positive things he has already done for me.

As time passed, I began to speak out about my views regarding Marilyn Manson’s abusive characteristics. But much like the ways in which victims and survivors of violence are often treated, I was met with disbelief, anger, and attempts to discredit me. “You’re not a real fan,” “there’s no evidence,” “he was never found guilty of anything.” None of these people knew that Marilyn Manson is my everything, regardless of these thoughts I had of him. I learned FROM HIM that I should always be critical. That no one is perfect. That I am my own God, so I refuse to put anyone up on a pedestal be worshipped as hero while knowing that they are also human. I was only doing what he had taught me to do. I repeatedly stated that if these fans knew anything about abusive dynamics, if they had a deep understanding of his music, if they PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT HE HAS SAID, they too would see these abusive characteristics. I’ve never quite broken down all of the pieces that led me to believe that MM was an abuser. But ERW’s story was the last link in what I felt I needed to know that what I believe about MM is true. Here it is.

“My experience with domestic violence was this: toxic mental, physical and sexual abuse that started out slow, but escalated over time including threats against my life, severe gas lighting and brainwashing, waking up to the man who who claimed to love me raping what he believed to be my unconscious body. And the worst part, sick rituals of binding me up by my hands and feet to be mentally and physically tortured until my abuser felt I had proven my love for them. In this moment when I was tied up, being beaten, and being told unspeakable things, I truly felt like I could die, not just because my abuser said to me “I could kill you right now,” but because in that moment, I felt like I left my body and I was too afraid to run, he would find me.” -ERW

What most sticks out to me here is the threats against her life, the necessity of him needing her to prove her love for him, saying the words, “I could kill you right now.”

Devour, the opening track on EMDM defines MM’s view of love and death and sacrifice that she shared with ERW.

“Manson touched on the song’s inspiration and subject matter briefly in a June 2009 interview with Revolver: “It’s kind of a murder-suicide story based on the reality of my life that day. The record maybe saved me, and the person I would have killed also. If somebody says they want to be with you until they die, I take that kind of seriously. It became a song…luckily.”

The song was written 3 days before what was planned to be a dark Romeo and Juliet murder suicide. He had planned to kill himself and his lover. In a 2009 interview with Shockhound,he revealed the “would be” tragedy, explaining the situation with mild detail, quoting that he had said “I’m going to kill you first, because I don’t trust you.’

I believe that this dynamic of “until death do us part” began with this this experience between Marilyn Manson and ERW:

‘Manson says he was finally uplifted by a close friend’s morbid gesture of devotion. "She picked up a butcher’s knife and said, ‘Here, you can stab me,’” he says. “When someone was willing to drown with me, I really didn’t want to drown anymore.’”

To represent this event, in the video for Heart-Shaped Glasses off the EMDM album, after it shows a short sex scene between him and ERW, the video pans to a scene in which ERW and MM are in a car where Marilyn Manson is taking photos of ERW posing with a butcher knife. The EMDM album is widely recognized as an album similar to a diary, with the songs appearing on the album in the order they were written. The beginning of the album marks the ending of MM’s marriage with Dita Von Teese, and right after “Just a car crash away,” “Heart-Shaped Glasses” begins which introduces MM’s passionate, inflammatory relationship with ERW.

What I speculate happened here is that within the cycle of abuse, ERW finally decided to try to leave, and in response MM threatened her with murder and his own suicide because of what he perceived as loyalty and devotion within a promise to die if he died. Marilyn Manson was in such a dark place within his own mental health, that he wanted to die without her. She saved him from his suicidal ideations and deep depression with her gesture to go down with him, and now that she was leaving, he wanted to hold her to her promise.

He comments more on this dynamic in the song “15”:

“this time I won’t hesitate    to kill to protect what I believe in    this time I won’t hesitate    to kill to protect what I believe in        i can get by now    I’m not really dead    but I really needed someone to save me    leaving me alone to die    is worse than having the guts to kill me”

At this point, ERW is gone, and throughout THe High End of Low, Marilyn Manson’s bitterness over ERW is apparent. These lyrics within 15 represent another veiled threat on her life, as well an attempt to cause her to feel guilt over "abandoning" him in his pain. This bitterness, and expression of abusive characteristics, is also seen in the song “WOW” and in the video for “Running to the Edge of the World.”

“i was happy for 'awhile’ and i stopped being scared and ashamed to say what’s on my mind.    but you thought that I’d change after 'awhile’ and said,    "you better treat me different, or else!”    "or else" seems like a stupid,    fucking thing to say to someone like me    someone like me?

i am worse    than what you think you’d catch from me    'complicated’ is understated.    did you stop and take a look at who you fell in love with?    at who you fell in love with?”

-”WOW” by MM

WOW was probably the most difficult song on the album for to hear because it so perfectly illustrates MM’s complete lack of accountability for the ways in which he treated ERW. It smacks of victim blaming - ERW “should have known better” - how could she ever expect MM to change his behavior? She knew who she was falling in love with, and chose to fall in love with him.Because an 18 year old girl has it all figured out, right? And the 47 year old man she is dating is the one being taken advantage of. The video for WOW is a loop of ERW dropping a strap on a dress she is wearing.

The story continues with the video for “Running to the Edge of the World.” The lyric “Together as one, against all others” is a throwback to the Heart-Shaped Glasses video where at the end, MM says “Together as one” and ERW responds with “Against all others.”

There is one specific verse in Running that I looked back on after exiting my abusive relationship that helped me find some clarity:

“And everyone    turned their backs    because they knew    when we held on tight    to each other,    that we were something    fatal    that fell into the wrong hands.”

These words represented to me how my abuser and I’s relationship was so intense, so tightly knit, and so clearly toxic, that everyone tried to turn their backs (or they tried to help me in very wrong ways). My abuser and I were in it too deep. I couldn’t get out, our love was passionate and all-encompassing, but it was so very, very fatal. I could actually listen to this song and mourn the ending of a relationship in which I had loved more passionately than I ever had, even though it had destroyed me.

But then there was the video.

“It opens with Manson, dressed in a white shirt singing the song to a camera while partially concealing himself with a curtain. As the bridge and outro of the song play, he beats a woman to death, speculated to represent Evan Rachel Wood, played by Kelly Polk.”

The Manson fandom was quick to absolve Marilyn Manson of any wrongdoing. People denied that the woman in the video was ERW. People said that the video was fine because he didn’t actually hurt ERW in it. People said that it was probably a good thing that MM made this video instead of actually hurting ERW in real life. As if ERW deserved to be hurt for “breaking his heart” and “abandoning him” when actually she was just a young woman who had been scrambling in and out of the relationship for 4 years. You know, it takes approximately 7 times leaving for someone to stay left when they are trying to leave an abusive relationship.

So here we have the story, the evidence I have seen, that caused me to believe that Marilyn Manson is an abuser. ERW’s description of being afraid for her life is literally representative of what MM openly shared in his music, videos, and interviews about their relationship. It doesn’t get much more clear than that for me. I very well may be wrong about some of this. All of this. But it really doesn’t feel like it. 

The question is, what do I do with this? I am a Mansonite. A Feminist. A survivor. How do I manage to live while being all of these things? How do I live with the fact that my greatest teacher committed acts of violence against a young woman similar to what were committed against me? The fear in ERW’s voice during the proceeding was palpable. It danced with my own fear that I still carry. It brought up a memory I have of my abusive partner joking around about tying me to the bed and lighting the house on fire. They said that it was a joke. But it didn’t feel like one. Marilyn Manson taught me about duality, about light and dark. At the age of 19, I realized that I was a walking antithesis. I still feel this way, and it’s because I accept that there is no overcoming the light or the dark, that they must always exist together. If you try to extinguish one, you’re ultimately being disingenuous to yourself. Which is funny to me, since people believe that I’m being disingenuous because they don’t get how I can be a comfortable combination of things that are seemingly opposite of each other.

 In the song, “I Have to Look up Just to See Hell”, MM says “The light shines in the darkness/but the darkness will never understand it.” In this way, I feel like the pupil has outshone the teacher because I have come to know that the darkness and the light can understand each other, but only if you learn that you’re made of both, simultaneously and continuously. Your darkness and light will only understand each other if you accept that idea.

 As a result of this concept, I have realized that although my heart aches because of what I know my greatest teacher has done, I also know that Marilyn Manson grapples with his light and his dark. I am disgusted knowing that he could hurt someone the way my abuser hurt me. Perhaps his actions are unforgivable, and I’m not sure if I’ll ever look at him the same way again. But unlike the many fans who refuse to see him as something less than a hero or a God, I will see him as the person he is. A damaged, sad, lonely man who is a victim of his own traumas. A man who sometimes does terrible things and makes mistakes. What I won’t do is forgive him, what I will do is hold him accountable through expressing my ideas through the rest of his fan base. I can only hope that he will come to some sort of realization in which he accepts that what he did was abusive and wrong - my abusive partner did.

 But in the meantime, I will try to ignore the spiral heart on my abdomen that I wear as a reminder that “Love is the only thing strong enough to destroy me” (as MM said in an interview during the EMDM/THEOL era). Perhaps I’ll turn it into a flesh removal one day instead to represent the strength I have rebuilt over the years that will not allow me to ever be destroyed by “love” ever again. And I will continue to see my triptych tattoo and my Golden Age of Grotesque era M’s as representative of the times in my life in which I learned the most about myself, through the art of this man who has meant everything to me. I will coexist within my dark and light feelings surrounding Marilyn Manson because that is what I have done for the majority of my life. That is what he taught me. 

[kansascitychiefsschedule]

What Is The Best Award Winning Djs. Program

Who Is The Best Award Winning Djs. Company

Kansas City Wedding DJ

Music Mania Mobile DJ

  https://www.musicmaniamobiledj.com/

Wedding event DJ can still suggest a great deal of different things. So, it is essential to keep your design and wedding vision top of mind. If you're more traditional and a fan of music from the 60s, 70s, and 80s, for instance, pursue a DJ who focuses on music from those years.

The most convenient method to limit any supplier search: word of mouth recommendations. Ask your household, friends, colleagues, whoever if they worked with a DJ they liked. Even if they're not engaged or married, they might have just recently participated in a wedding event with a DJ that really wowed. Of course you can also constantly rely on the Web to assist you begin your search, too.

We're biased however Zola makes the vendor search process basically smooth. You can check out vetted evaluations from genuine couples, discover what services each DJ particularly provides, and more. It's an easy method to taper your search to at least a handful of alternatives. As you perform your Internet search, pay special attention to any patterns you see in evaluations.

Picture Credit// Pineapple Daybreak Photography Once you pick your top three DJ alternatives, contact them to make sure they're offered on your wedding event date first. If so, schedule a call, in-person, and even FaceTime appointment to talk. These conferences are your chance to get all of the intel you require to choose your wedding event DJ.

Be sure to consist of any notes on special requests, consisting of particular songs recommendattions, exact start and end times, who will in fact DJ day-of, etc. When you select your DJ, you'll likely be tasked with coming up with a list of must-hear tunes, another list of absolutely-do-not-play tunes, and a list of nice-to-hear-but-not-necessary songs.

What Is The Best Top Mobile Djs For Hire In Kansas City

Talking to potential vendors resembles going on an awkward first date you both hope there's chemistry, however it can be puzzling to understand precisely what to say (even for a Wedding Editor like myself!). Follow our brand-new "" blog series with specialists from each field who will break it down for you detailed.

Today, factors DJ Kev Sakoda from and Vito Namio at show you how to scout an incredible DJ.Determine whether they are a well-rounded, effective performer who can bring a level of competence and adaptability to your occasion. "You desire to ensure that your DJ isn't a one-dimensional part-timer, but a true performer whose had actually differed and comprehensive experience carrying out in front of different (and hard) audiences," said DJ Kev Sakoda.

Beware if a possible DJ bad-mouths previous clients (whether they're corporations or individual bride-to-bes) or their rivals. You Could Look Here at Kansas City Wedding Dj. My fianc Jason and I when fulfilled with a vendor who told us about an occasion that "wasn't his best work" because the customer was a substantial bridezilla! This made us question: Who's not to say he wouldn't whisper about that crazy-demanding web editor from Bridal Guide afterwards?Photo Credit: Muriel Silva PhotographyFind a DJ who will create a soundtrack for your wedding that is based on your design, taste, and vision for that day.

An experienced DJ will happily accept your must-play and do-not-play lists, no matter how brief or long. Namio informs his brides upfront that they are in control of the music that will be played and they require to assign time to work with him to guarantee smooth timing for their occasion." All of the abovementioned can just be achieved with a performer who is flexible and happy to listen.

g. cake-cutting and arrangement toss) and how it suits unique themes is the real obstacle," stated Namio. Photo Credit: Erin Johnson PhotographyThere are all kinds of incentives that DJs utilize to encourage visitors to storm the dance floor, whether it's asking couples to join the newlyweds for a good-luck dance or playing a meaningful throwback tune from the bridesmaids' college days.

What Is The Best Award Winning Djs. Company Near Me

Talking to potential DJs is certainly valuable, but hearing them in action will actually seal the deal." You wish to ensure your DJ comprehends how to read a crowd, develop up the energy and then keep it up. There ought to never ever be a lullyour DJ requires to have the capability to blend all sorts of genres to accomodate everyone and keep them on the dance floor," said Sakoda.

How a DJ strikes a balance to deliver on the couple's desireswhile still satisfying the guests' requestsdetermines the skill and experience of the DJ," stated Sakoda. Some DJs (with the approval of the newlyweds) may tell partygoers that they need to stick to their playlist, but they'll do their best to suit their song, while others will designate a bridesmaid or relative to evaluate specific demands (so that the DJ does not require to disrupt the new Mr.

mid-dance). Picture Credit: Dash of Class EntertainmentWhen blending is done correctly, you most likely aren't even knowledgeable about it. The DJ needs to have the ability to mix between songs effortlessly; you do not want guests to become bored by a ten-minute long Queen performance! Nevertheless, when this strategy is performed improperly, you'll be able to recognize it instantly: "When there is no blending or mixing, there is uncomfortable silence between songs (it's the very same thing as your iPod)," said Sakoda.

" Turntables permit the DJ to have hands-on control of the music and the capability to control it immediately. A simple touch can alter the sound, speed, and tone," said Sakoda. Ask if your DJ is accredited and knows all of the ins and outs of connecting a system. "We permit our devices to run without overdriving it, which is when visitors start to grumble about it being too loud (often described as 'smothered' noise).

Backup equipment is also vital: DJs must constantly have the equivalent of a "flat spare" on hand, whether it be a microphone, computer system, mixer, etc. Don't forget to ask how soon prior to the reception they plan to show up and for how long it will consider them to set up. Picture Credit: Dash of Class EntertainmentThe noise differs considerably depending upon the room where your reception will be held.

What Is The Best Kansas City Wedding Djs

The sound on the microphones was so bad that the tech could not comprehend the garbled instructions through his earpiece!Namio suggests that brides ask prospective DJs if they can establish visits to go to such locations. "This allows us to end up being familiarized with new employee, learn their guidelines for suppliers, and strategy properly for providing the proper devices for acoustics and lighting style.

With these steps, they understand we imply organization," said Namio. Photo Credit: Dash of Class Entertainment" Our company believe choice is necessary: No 2 weddings are alike! You must have an option of top DJs that fit your design and character, and have the appropriate experience and ability for your wedding," said Sakoda - Weblink at Wedding Dj Kansas City Mo.

[joonsjeon]

Invisible // Chapter 8

Pairing: Mark x Reader x Jaebum Words: ~2700 Genre: Angst, Drama Warnings: none

Masterlist

Mark’s POV When she came back out of her room she did not tell me what exactly had been going on, but on the other hand, there was no need for her to tell me. It was only obvious that she contacted Jaebum to hear what he had to say about his part of the story. What he had said to her, however, I wouldn’t know until one of them opened up to me. And just when I thought that my phone buzzed as I received a message from my so-called friend. Can you come in early tomorrow? We gotta talk about (Y/N). Something inside me was… annoyed. The pure thought of talking to him seemed so painful and like a total waste of time. I did not want to behave like a small child, I was the oldest one after all, but what could I do when my body signaled me not to talk about any of this drama ever again? Especially not to talk with the one who had apparently used my trust to sleep with the girl I loved… my jaw clenched uncontrollably, the imagery rolling in a loop in my head all over again making me so damn pissed that I could’ve punched the wall out of frustration. I knew that they had spent the night together the second I stepped into the apartment, but apparently it took some time to really sink in. That time was now. And it brought me right back to the question ‘What if I had just told her?’ Will do. Was all I answered and then turned my attention back to (Y/N) who was still sitting next to me, seemingly just as riled up after her phone call. Whatever exactly happened made her sling her arms and hands around her legs so tightly that her knuckles turned white. Trying to hold back a ramble about Jaebum in front of me. Not that I hadn’t realized many times before but my god, what a mess we were in… a second ago I thought we had finally figured things out and would live our lives on, the way we wanted to, but no. We were running in circles, again and again in hope of finding a solution at some point when really all we did was walk right into the next problem with every new round.

The next morning Jaebum waited for me on the staircase inside the building, a cap tugged deep into his face so that I could barely even see it when he was looking down. Nobody else was here at that time of the day, enjoying to sleep in instead of dealing with such unnecessary drama. 

“Hey.” I said and he abruptly looked up to see me standing right in front of him, my hands buried in my pocket as I was waiting for him to spill whatever he wanted to spill because standing here only fueled my already existing anger. Cutting right to the point was the easiest way. “You wanted to talk?” He cleared his throat while looking at me, insecurity and regret written all over his face and yet I couldn’t find much pity for him inside of me. “Did she tell you anything about the call we had?” he asked and I simply shook my head. He sighed, running a hand through his thick black hair, figuring out where to start and where to stop. It was a weird feeling to see him like this, a sight that would naturally worry me because he was my friend, but not this time. I almost enjoyed the view.   “Alright… so, she called me and said that I was an asshole for going out with her even though I knew about your feelings. When I was trying to explain to her what was going on she wouldn’t listen and said I was lying. Mark, I am sorry about this messed up situation but really I just… if things end now, then I at least want them to end in a good way. Not like this.” He explained to me and I surely understood. Really, if I would have mentioned to her that I had ordered him to go on a date, well then we wouldn’t sit here. However, I had some questions for him myself. “You want things to end in a good way? Then please explain why you left the apartment without saying a word to her. Sneaking out like it was a meaningless one night stand.” I accused him not only because I was genuinely surprised by his actions but also because (Y/N) and I had talked for ages after she calmed down a bit… it was clear to see how devastated she was, thinking that it was her who had done something wrong once she saw the bed next to her was empty.

*throwback* “Mark?” she mumbled with a soft, weak voice and as I turned my head towards her I could see eyes starting to glisten with tears. Without thinking further about it I pulled her close to me, her head resting against my shoulder as I wrapped an arm around her figure. “What is it, donut?” I asked, gently running my fingers up and down her arm in order to comfort her and she thanked me for it by scooping even closer. She did not speak right away, finding her words as she intertwined our free hands and started drawing patterns on the back of mine with her thumb. Besides the fact that she was almost crying, I was lucky that she did not hold back to be just as touchy with me as she was before my confession. If she was still comfortable with me maybe things wouldn’t have to change. A big sigh slipped over her lips before she started talking. “I understand if you don’t feel like talking about any of this, but… I don’t understand Jaebum.” Theoretically speaking, she was right. I did not want to talk about this at all. But what else was I supposed to do with my best friend lying in my arms, tears in her eyes and so clearly hurt about something or… someone? So I just mimicked her sigh and then said it was okay. Even when she didn’t believe me at first, sooner than later she opened up and explained me her thoughts. “We… we had nice dates. Our conversations were so easy and funny, I really like him...” she started, but then hesitated at her own choice of words. “I really liked him. Obviously, I wouldn’t have even considered going so far if I didn’t trust him, you know?” I just nodded in agreement once again disgusted by the pure thought what had happened here last night. How could he? “I simply don’t understand why he left me this morning without saying a word. Did it mean nothing to him?” she asked and I didn’t know if she expected an answer from me at this point or if she was just rambling to clear her mind and let it all out. Either way, I wanted to answer even when I could not give her an explanation at all. “I can’t tell you why, (Y/N)… but I’m sure he didn’t mean to hurt you. This is so out of character for him.” If it weren’t for the fact that we had known each other for years now, I would not have defended him by any means. However, it really was weird and so out of character that I myself was interested in his intentions.   “I just feel stupid and so naïve.” She said as her grip on my hand tightened. It was hard to tell if she was angry at herself, for going this far with JB in a relatively short time or if the source of anger were his stupid actions. Maybe, most likely, a mixture of both. I really wanted to help her but there wasn’t much I could do besides providing comfort and helping her process what happened. “You are not the stupid one here, trust me.” I whispered, trying to sound confident in my words while calling a friend out for what he had done. However, I couldn’t shake off that nervous, tingling feeling inside my gut slowly but strongly telling me that I had been the stupid one from the very beginning. *throwback over*

“Wait…” he mumbled in shock, eyes wide open as he stared at me and finally got up from the stairs to stand opposite of me. “You – You know what happened? She told you?” Again I just nodded as a first reaction, keeping my poker face on when all that my body told me to do was to punch him in the face. “I would have known, either way, man. Your perfume was all over her.” I scoffed and took a step back to lean against the wall, while he needed some time to comprehend the fact that I already knew what he probably wanted to talk about that morning. “I’m sorry Mark, I-“ he started and his apology might have actually been sincere, yet I couldn’t help but burst out laughing right at the beginning. How would a ‘sorry’ fix any of this. “Sorry, Jaebum? As if it wasn’t enough that you went on multiple dates instead of the one I asked you to, no. You just had to fuck her.” I hissed, the irony uncontrollably taking over the tone of my voice. In the corner of my eye, I saw how he backed off again, trying not to invade my personal space or maybe afraid that a fist would actually land on his face when he didn’t get as far away as he could. I didn’t even know myself where this was going. There was all this piled up anger and hurt that I just had to get out somehow… “I really am sorry, Mark. We drank a lot of wine and I thought I liked her – it just happened. And I’m terribly sorry.” He stuttered, losing the strong attitude he usually displayed and suddenly looking very small with his shoulder hanging down and his eyes glued to the floor again. “Are you seriously giving me the ‘I was drunk’ excuse? And what do you mean you thought you liked her?” I asked on and what he said really didn’t do the trick to calm me down, quite the opposite was the case. He didn’t even like her that way and still had the audacity to touch her? “I don’t have any other excuse to give you… I was drunk and stupid.” He said and then sighed before getting to my second question which was much more important at that moment. “Please trust me when I’m telling you that I never had the intention of playing with her feelings, but… when I woke up yesterday with her next to me… all I felt was regret. I’m so fucking sorry that I ever got close to her, it should have never been me. Mark....” “You are right, it should have never been you.” I murmured and had heard all I needed to hear from him for now. He did not love her. He was as far away from loving her as one could be and yet it was my own stupid fault that it was him who had gotten to her in all the ways that I should have done. I thought I could bear to see him and her together, though it was the right thing to do for the sake of her happiness. Stupid, stupid me… While Jaebum was still talking I went down my own personal spiral of realization. Who was the real problem in our weird love triangle? Not him. Definitely not her. It was me. I had no reason to be angry at him since all he had done from the very beginning was to follow my order, no need to mention that this order was the root of everything that happened afterward. Yes, no denying that he went too fucking far the second he touched her but would that have happened without me? No, it wouldn’t have. And going further, with the intention of not hurting her by staying away, letting her live her life with Jaebum, I had only stabbed myself in the back further. She was devastated and confused about her feelings for JB while I was here, lashing out my anger at him when I should really rather slap myself in the face for being so blind and delusional. By now Jaebum realized that I was not listening to anything he had been saying the past few minutes and the more I thought about it all, the more my heart started to race in panic. I had to get out of here. With adrenaline pumping through my veins I pushed myself off the wall and wanted to storm past him but his reactions were faster than mine. He suddenly gripped my wrist so tightly that whatever he needed to still get out was something I had to hear. I looked into his eyes for the first time, too afraid before that I would literally lose my shit and hurt him in ways I would only regret later on. But now I really saw how terribly sorry he was. The bags under his eyes indicated that he had probably not slept for one second, his mind filled with regret and worry. It seemed like he did not care about anything other than getting me to accept his apology, to get me back as his friend and hyung even when things could maybe never be the same again. I wish I were strong enough to open up my mouth and tell him that none of this was his fault. “Look, I understand that you have zero reasons to trust me but I promise I will make it up to you. There’s something you need to realize, Mark.” He said and I just waited for him to continue. “I know (Y/N) told you that she liked me but really I was nothing but a stupid crush… I’m not the one she wants to be with at the end of the day, it is you.” Even if I did not believe a word he was saying, those words were the last hit needed to make everything inside me collapse. Even the slightest chance of her liking me back would make the quilt inside of me grow to infinity. “What makes you so sure of that?” I asked, afraid to hear his explanation and see that he was right but at the same time it was also the only chance I had to prove him wrong. “The two of us never really talked about you but Jinyoung told me how she was always asking about you… she was worried sick that you were going to end up doing something stupid. And then there was that one time where she did drop your name in our conversation by accident and-“ he stumbled over his own words, trying so hard to make me believe him. “You should have seen her face. She couldn’t even bear the pain of saying your name while you were gone. The way she acts around you is so different from what she ever showed to me or any of us… you’re the one who makes her feel safe and loved enough to open up completely, not me. It was never me. Mark, I wish I could tell you why she is so damn oblivious to the fact that she loves you.” I ripped my arm out of his grip even though I knew he wasn’t done yet but there was no way I could bear to hear any more of this. My head felt like it was about to explode. I heard him saying my name over and over again, sounding frantic as he had in fact not managed to make me listen long enough for the most important part, but with my heart still racing and a booming sound in my ears as it all became too much I just really had to leave this place. Go somewhere else, clear my head and figure out how I could clean up the mess I had created.  

[lekshk]

Lock Down Diaries Part 1: When PG Becomes Home

I was a little girl alone in my little world who dreamed of a little home for me.

~ Priscilla Ahn (Song: Dream)

I think this lock down has been an eye opener in several ways. For one, I never knew I enjoyed sitting at home! I stay in a PG in Bangalore (which has 5 floors and 2 apartments on every floor with 4 bedrooms and a hall each). There’s a single room and the other 3 rooms are shared by 3-4 girls each. As my weekends were usually packed earlier, my inmates used to joke my single room is nothing but a hotel room– a place to dump things and sleep at night. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would keep myself occupied at home, if I could call it one!

Earlier we were approximately 100 girls and by the time lock down was announced, it got reduced to 11, in fact rather 10 + 1 because the 11th inmate was a girl staying in another PG before and who moved in with her sister here. She was now paying rent at both the places!

The best part about the lockdown for me was when the 9 girls in my apartment moved to their homes because of work from home option! Trust me, for the past 1 year I have been searching a 1 BHK of my choice but was getting none because I refused to move out of the area I was staying in! So attached was I to the locality (which I still am), my happiness knew no bounds when I got the whole apartment to myself!  

PS: my inmates are great. It’s just that I craved for solitude and that explains my need to be out on weekends too earlier.

Once I grasped the fact that my desire for solitude had become a reality, I made myself comfortable at home. The balcony, cloth rack, hall, TV, all to myself, I became the queen of the apartment at 4th floor!

Immediately I set out to work. The first thing I did was rearrange the room. That mere act itself became refreshing for me. The changed layout opened the window of my mind. It simply elevated my mood. I realized the junk both outside and inside, I felt relieved to see my room (aka matchbox as I fondly call it) began breathing to life with light seeping in. Getting rid of unwanted things de cluttered my mind. Also, as there was no one to monitor what I was doing, I got the complete freedom to do what I want which was the BIGGEST PLUS. 

Picture 1: Matchbox transformed to Cape of Good Hope 

Taking an example of the character named Divya from the movie Bangalore days, I glass painted the window of my room. I used finger painting technique for this and brought colors to my matchbox.

Picture 2: Finger glass painting of window (colorful sticky notes with my favorite motivational quotes as background to the painting) 

Next, I set out to bring more conversations to my room. Stationary items and colorful sticky notes are my all-time favorites. I set out to make the Tree of My Life, an exercise given to me by my therapist earlier. The tree of life is nothing but connecting your life with the sections of a tree. 

Picture 3: Tree of Life on the cupboard behind me

Since work from home was a new feature, never done before, my initial few weeks just went in sleeping well. It looked as if I had years of sleep to catch up to. And indeed it was! If you recall, my weekends were packed earlier, so my body rested only during sleep at night. Sleeping through the day gave me the well-deserved break! One month went by just becoming a human “being” from a human “doing”. I also realized working at nights made me more productive because the stillness of the night gave me the concentration I needed to work efficiently. One month of the lock down went by like this.

After that, my body started to feel fresh again. Now I was ready to “do” things. I continued my reading habit and made it a point to read 20 minutes daily. Because I have been trained in Carnatic vocal and Bharatanatyam, I decided to nurture my desire of learning painting because I love it! And that’s how I came across finger painting to which I am addicted till date.

I enrolled for an online finger-painting workshop. And it truly brought out joy in me because painting is an activity which can get meditative and if it’s with your fingers, it adds a personalized touch by bringing all your emotions in it.

Picture 4: Finger paintings (Bangalore Drawing Room)

Long back I had attended a mind valley master class by Robin Sharma in which he had talked about the 60 minute club, the essence of which is simply this - 20 minute exercise, 20 minute meditation, 20 minute a creative activity. For exercise, I chose dance, for meditation, I chose anilom vilom and/or surya namaskar and for creativity either painting or reading or listening to the radio.

I decided not to exert my body with over activity. Dance once a week, surya namaskar twice a week, anilom vilom twice a week. Weekends were cheat days.

I had the habit of making a to do list earlier just to keep the day interesting and something to look forward to. When I checked that, I realized my desire to learn sign language was pending because of my reluctance to travel to the center which was far. As if the lock down heard my prayers, they were conducting online classes. I didn’t waste even a second and grabbed the seat in their first ever virtual classroom. Two weeks, Monday to Friday, 4-5 pm was booked for learning basic sign language where I met some amazing bunch of people passionate to learn like me and a teacher passionate to teach us.

Picture 5: Day 1 of Virtual Basic Sign Language Course with GiftAbled

Picture 6: Completing the course

Learning virtually wasn’t easy because it was a new concept for me but somehow everything just fell in place. I dared to show my vulnerability here and got the supporting hands (virtually) of my teacher, founder and my fellow mates. The 2 week course work was fun, interactive and so supportive! I seemed to have entered a new world altogether!

Post that there was no looking back. I knew I was going to crack this lock down. PG had now become my home. Big Bazaar my savior for online shopping of essentials. I bought biscuits, ready to cook stuff for evening snacks as I was used to in office. Black coffee with honey or jaggery in the evenings became my lock down ritual. Holding the coffee mug in the terrace and looking at the entire Whitefield area, calling my parents (settled in Trivandrum) around that time every day mandatory became a part of the routine. A lot of people at the neighboring buildings chose to play cricket or badminton or yoga at their terraces during the time. Social distancing at its best, seeing people in the evenings gave me the sense of what’s happening around.

I would go out to purchase fruits from a nearby vendor once a week with all the precautionary measures.

Slowly, the lock down, work from home, virtual classes, calling parents, PG life post lock down became part of my daily life. Occasionally I would cook. Sometimes, I would revamp the food the cook prepared. Like for instance, if it was Dosa for breakfast, I would convert it to Cheese Masala Dosa. Bringing some change here and there brought out joy in me. I started eating a lot of fruits which I didn’t earlier.

After getting comfortable with online interactions, I decided to be part of online community gatherings, one such, being with Dialogues Cafe - A topic on how people were coping up. I also participated in online book club meets like Bring Your Own Book, Dialogues with Books etc.

Now, I decided to continue my other passion - Volunteering. Earlier, Bangalore traffic would discourage me to travel anywhere! Volunteering Online for Volunteer For a Cause (VFC) resolved this and I got to know about so many days celebrated nationally and/or internationally! Starting from World Earth Day celebrated on 22 April, World Book Day on 24 April, World Wishbone Day on 06 May, World Thalassemia Day on 08 May, Menstrual Health Day on 28 May, Elderly Abuse Awareness Day and the June month culminating with the Pride Month, I was on a volunteering spree uploading pictures in social media handles to create awareness! I started gaining a sense of purpose through them. I also attended online awareness sessions conducted by them on how to do your bit in rescuing animals or know the city better or what to do in accident cases or how to do your bit for a greener, sustainable society or waste management or what’s child abuse or what’s mental health? I also made customized handmade cards and posed them online to celebrate birthdays of children residing in children’s home or women residing in rehabilitation centers.

Picture 7: Throwback pictures - World Earth Day (22 April)

Picture 8: Bookfie - World Book Day (24 April)

Pictures 9: World Wishbone Day (06 May)

Picture 10: World Thalassemia Day (08 May)

Picture 11: Menstrual Health Day (28 May)

Picture 12: Elderly Abuse Awareness Day

Picture 13: Pride Month - A Dot Mandala using pearl acrylic colors on my diary (Proud to be an Ally)

Picture 14: Birthday Jingles

At workplace too, I made it a point to attend webinars on relationships, leadership, coping with anxiety and I was unfortunate enough to listen to some amazing speakers who shared their profound wisdom and experiences. Life started becoming more and meaningful as the days passed. Having a good team to work was an added bonus.

Weekends I would also connect with my school friends on zoom call and bitch about our classmates. This lock down period, a lot of groups became active and we got an opportunity to reconnect.

Finally, because of a writing habit cultivated from childhood, I would write the following in my thought journal almost every day–

I AM GOOD ENOUGH. I DESERVE RESPECT.

I AM NOT THE PROBLEM. THE PROBLEM IS THE PROBLEM.

Whenever possible, I would also write in my gratitude journal things to thank about.

I didn’t know if it made any sense, but it told me about the probable good times ahead.  

There were problems in the PG like water, electricity, lift not working and so on and so forth. But we sailed through all this - PG inmates, cook, caretaker and of course the owners. The 11 of us who didn’t even know each others names, now made it a point to stay in touch through a Whatsapp group we formed. There were difference in opinions, rude talk, fights with the owners, care taker, rent dispute etc but more or less we managed through the lock down period.I remember reading a friend’s Facebook post to not to leave Whatsapp groups but instead use this as an opportunity to stay connected because that’s what we need the most right now. I couldn’t agree any better.

Part 2: Heading Home

Two months later a direct train from Bangalore to Trivandrum was started and 1800 bookings were expected for the train to get moving. I immediately registered in the Karnataka state website Seva Sindhu and NORKA roots (for people residing outside Kerala but within India) and Covid 19 Jagratha website for Kerala state. I thought it would take at least a week for bookings to happen but I got the PNR number the very next day and the train was to leave the day after! I quickly packed my bags anticipating a 2-week institution quarantine.

The train was to leave at 8 pm from Bangalore Cantonment station and I reached the station at 7 pm. That’s when I got a shock from the police there that I was late and I had to get a medical check-up done to get a token to board the train! Luckily, I had reached the station in an auto so I asked him to take me to the place where the check up was being done to get the token. It was at Palace Grounds and I had the shock of my life to see the police, BMTC buses, volunteers all shouting at me to get the token quickly! 

There were 3 counters- 2 for registration and one for checking the temperature! I quickly completed the registration formalities and got the token! The joke was I thought all these people were going to different states and since it was already 7.45 pm, I was trying to rush out to go back to the station. That’s when I realized all these people (close to 1500) were headed to where I was and they were waiting since 12 pm to board the train! That’s when I got to know along with PNR number message, there was another one which gave details about what time to reach and where. Unfortunately, I hadn’t received it! I was lucky enough to get an auto driver who understood the severity of the situation and waited should I need to be taken back to the station. I payed him extra and thanked him and waited with the rest of the passengers to board the bus which would take us to the station. Surprisingly, people showed tremendous restraint as they patiently waited for their turns to board the bus. Finally, after an hour, we were all taken to the station, given food kits and compartment numbers to board. Temperature was checked yet again before boarding the train. It was a chair car non- A/C passenger train which had space for 2 passengers in one seat. At 10.30 pm, the train started to Kerala. My co passenger was a mother of two from Delhi whose children were in Bangalore. They were heading to their newly built house in Kerala which was the safest to stay for them at the time! The journey became eventful having her by my side. We shared our experiences, our thoughts, life in Bangalore, life in Delhi, future life in Kerala, politics etc. The most suffocating experience was wearing a mask for 15 hours! But one couldn’t take any chances! Kudos to all the volunteers who relentlessly and patiently worked to see we reached our destinations safely! Special thanks to the Bengluru police, BMTC for their support.

Sleep was a disturbing one due to the chair car. But early morning when the train hit Palakkad station, the view, the greenery to be precise, was so refreshing! Though it was a direct train from Bangalore to Trivandrum, the train halted at 4 more stations in Kerala – Palakkad, Trissur, Ernakulam, Kottayam. The moment the train hit the station announcements started coming in – to stand in the designated areas marked for social distancing. The authorities wore Personal Protective Equipments (PPE). The journey now became eventful and filled with greenery. I ate the bun from the food kit I had got and ate the fruits I had packed for the journey. It was 12.30 pm, when I reached my station. At the counter they suggested institution quarantine as my parents were elderly. However, I convinced them for a home quarantine because I had the provision for a separate room with a separate entry and exit and having an attached bathroom. After they filled in my details, our baggage were probably fumigated and I had the option of either calling my father to pick me up from the station or be taken home in a private vehicle as I stayed half an hour from the station. I chose the latter because it was too late to call my father and it wasn’t allowed to wait at the station.

The private vehicle arranged was such the doors, dicky was opened by the driver himself and I had to place my baggage and remove them on my own. Hands were sanitized and after dropping me home, his car would be sanitized again before taking the next passenger. Throughout the proceedings I was very impressed by the arrangements made by the government. I just saw my parents while alighting from the car. I entered my room with an attached bathroom from a separate entrance. Thereafter, food was placed at my doorstep everyday till the quarantine got over. We never had a direct contact throughout the quarantine period. Health volunteers visited me and placed a “this house is in quarantine” sticker outside my house gate. The 2 months in my PG prepped me for the 2-week quarantine! All communication was either through Whatsapp or phone call. Finally, after quarantine got over, I got a certificate from the health inspector stating I was free of quarantine after being advised one by the state.

So many people are working hard day in day out to fight this pandemic! The least service I could do for them is staying home safely. My cousin who is a doctor had already instructed my mother on the quarantine measures to be taken before I took occupancy. Meanwhile my school friend too had given me the home quarantine guidelines. I think by far this has been the most interesting independent experience I have had, living in silos. I have been living away from my parents for the past 2.5 years.

Pictures 14: Heading for Qurantine

The most courageous thing for me was the train ride and the umpteen faith on the journey ahead. Of course, being Kerala, I knew I would be well taken care of. My parents being elderly, I also had the option during quarantine to get food delivered at my doorstep through volunteers at a nominal charge of Rs 20/meal. Since my mother insisted she would cook, I didn’t go for it. All in all, in the current scenario, I have so many people to thank to, so many moments to be proud and amazed at and most importantly, so many moments to pat on my back and tell myself – well done! 

Since staying with parents have limitations in terms of independence and freedom, I continued to entertain myself watching movies on Amazon Prime, Netflix, stand up comedies on you tube and my favorite - 2019 Magsaysay award winner Ravish Kumar’s speeches. Laughter and reality check can help to keep a mind active and sane. Reading and writing have now become occasional and I ain’t complaining. Circumstances and environment has changed and I too am taking things as it comes.  

Picture 15: Post lock down and room quarantine

To conclude - “A relationship with myself” is what I “earned” this lock down. I would make sure to talk to a close friend about how I felt till I became capable of managing my emotions on my own safe in the knowledge I could talk to her anytime. Similarly, she would talk to me the same manner. It is true when they say we “thrive” in relationships. From the webinar on relationships at work place I learnt, when we seek relationships, we are, in reality searching for ourselves and there’s nothing wrong in feeling lonely. “Acknowledging it” and moving “forward” to change it to a more positive feeling is a brave effort we could all attempt. Don’t at any point undermine your thoughts and feelings. I still do at times, despite knowing it. But like I said earlier (I am good enough, so being kind to myself is what I am practicing off late and seems to be the toughest challenge till date). “Seeking help” is another brave opportunity I am giving myself. Hanging in to the wonderful relationships I have with the realistic knowledge they are susceptible to change took me 2 months of lock down. Also, confronting an expectation not met and seeing what can be done amicably is another challenge I am sailing through with hiccups. I am neither defining them or myself through this experience. Because the right things have come to me when I least expected it. I had umpteen disappointments. Feeling stuck has been a horrible experience anytime and yet, by giving my mind the exercise to experience it has made only me a stronger individual for sure. 

Knowing who you are and what you can be is itself a great experience of “being”. Cherish it and seek hope, if possible, when there seems none at all because-

“Hope is a good thing, may be the best of things and no good thing ever dies” 

~ Shawshank Redemption