#time that i wanted to die? i didnt want to. i was just tired and miserable and confused. having a moment. not a good moment.
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Been having awful mental health weeks and can't even book a pysch appointment because their phone lines aren't working
#i feel like shit and theres nothing i can do about it.#im tired from work and instead of doing anything that makes me happy im crying in bed#i feel like i can be just on the verge of waking into the intersection and no one notices. world keeps on spinning.#people keep going not noticing im not there. i just wish i could finally be happy but everytime i tjink im doing okay im reminded of#of my crushing loneliness. i dont want to die -i just wish i was never born in the first place#i dont need to /talk/ bc what is there to say that i havwnt whinged ahout 500 times. i wish i didnt care. i wish i didnt feel these things.#all i do is complain -change nothing and then complain nothings changed. i want to matter to people around me but i feel like i#get proven time and time again that i just.#am a small insignificant insect
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#i wish it was possible to die in a way that didnt just continue to make you a burden to those around you#like. if i could just die and know that everyone who knew me would feel nothing about it and wouldn't have to worry about shit like#paying off my student loans or paying for the funeral or whatever. that would be great.#it's like#i'm nothing but a burden and a chore if i live#but then i'm nothing but a burden and a chore if i die#why can't there be a way out that just. doesn't cause any damage to anyone or anything else.#like yeah maybe there are good reasons to live but#the financial and emotional burden of my existence outweighs my desire to keep going#statistically by the numbers i would absolutely be better off dead and should've died a long time ago#but then i'm still a financial and emotional burden if i die anyways. so. the problem remains.#the world never wanted me but here i am anyways. i wish i never revived when my heart stopped while i was being born.#my life continues to amount to nothing positive.#just an accumulation of trauma and grief and debt for myself and for everyone with the misfortune of knowing me.#just give me a way out. please.#i'm tired of being trapped here.#vent#tw sui ideation#tw sui vent#tw sui talk
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I hate it here. Not like tumblr but ya’know. I miss when I was a kid and only thought about how long I had to play with my toys because I was carefree and not of age yet to worry about adult stuff. I want time to just stop. I want it to stop I’m tired of everything I want off this ride and the only way I know how to make it all stop is forbidden. I just want to stay in bed forever and pretend I’m a kid playing with my toys again without a care in the world because I am a kid.
#new anime plot: miagwyn bitches#this was brought to you by the letter p#for Pokémon because went down the nostalgia rabbit hole and now I feel even worse than what I did earlier :)#also I can’t play some of my Pokémon games anymore cause the internal battery is dead#like on my emerald and fire red games#and I’m not being dramatic but I want to cry about it#the fact that..like old stuff is disappearing and I hate it#I want the old things to come back just like they were#fuck the new shit I want to go into a store and by a gameboy from the electronics section#I want to buy a 1960’s vw bus from the new dealership if I want#I want rotary phones and land lines to come back#I want to go get ice cream for 50 cents#you see what I mean??#this is why I hate time so much#I hate going forward I didnt fucking ask for this#I’m spiraling as I speak I’m so tired I miss when Pokémon had 150 monsters#I miss Sunday morning cartoons like Mickey Mouse and Tom & jerry#I miss when I could go play outside in the dirt and the neighbor we had was friendly#and trees were everywhere#and the worst thing was bedtime cause I wanted to stay up and play with my toys#I miss when my mum could still see really well#I rember laying on my parents bed one Sunday morning after breakfast thinking about how life was not a game and that I’d die one day#shit freaked me out but now I’m 25 and I still think about that and that day and#I hate it here#I just want everything to stop
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Hey guys! Life update since i haven't posted anything in some time
College started three days ago and
#like even trying to get into that school was literally one of the worst choises i have ever made in my life#its insane that they can just give you 40 assignments for a semester for a class you have one hour a week#and also that they can just keep you in there for 10 hours a day#and then pretend like 1 (ONE) hour of free time after school a day is enough#like how do you want me to balance 8am to 5:30pm (my longest day) plus an hour drive back home and a want for a healthy sleeping schedule#im not build to sleep 4 hours a day just because my school decided to torture me#and since it's an art school that mainly teaches graphic design and printing processes i get to huff chemichals every day all day#and then i get to pretend like im not sick and that my head doesnt hurt and that im totally not tired enough to keel over die on the spot :)#honestly i didnt even want to study there#i just needed to keep my student status before i go to the school i actually wanna go to#and i genuinelly didnt know that what i was told was “an extremely easy school” would turn out to be an actual torture chamber#specifically designed for people who studied digital design (me) and thought graphic design would be similar#anyways rant over#if you actually read this u a real one
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"have you eaten?" "yes" i said, like a liar
#vent#ed tw#i havent been coping very well and i've been lying to my parents about my disordered eating in these past few days#i did have breakfast. and a chamomile. and a plain tofu burger. about 7 hrs ago#couldn't bring myself to eat anymore because i just. cant#i had a panic attack earlier and another one yesterday and im drained because i havent had this many in a row in years#and if im reverting back to how i was a decade ago im killing myself this time without a question because now i know how it goes#i feel like nothing could ever fix the situation im in in general in life and just thinking about it is sending me into a panic again#i feel so alone yet so overwhelmed and so stupid and so tired of everythibg#tomorrow i have breakfast with my friends and i cant just not eat because they will absolutely force me to#like theyve been around long enough to just know without asking too many questions but still making sure i eat#also i didnt plan anything for lunch and my fridge is half empty bc i didnt have the physical strength to go grocery shopping#so i have i think yoghurt bananas tofu burgers and water#also one tomato. just checked#im so tired i want to die and not out of despair but out of exhaustion#like. i did what i had to do in this life. failed miserably. seen enough. i dont think being here for any longer would be fun#sorry if you followed me via ao3. i vent a lot here. sorry.#being an adult with these issues that teens usually have is mortifying. genuinely
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I'm so fucking tired of ppl assuming I'm a teenage boy I'm not that young and I'm not a guy and it's funny when it happens occasionally and I'm in an amiable mood and idm being a little gnc ik I present somewhat masc even if its not rly intentional and ik my autistic/adhd mannerisms make me come across a little childish sometimes even if im constantly masking at work or in public and I can't control how other ppl perceive me and ik its natural for the human brain to make social assumptions all the time bc there's so much information going in and out it has to process so it automatically categorises shit so I don't mind it happening OCCASIONALLY but I've been getting so fucking many unnecessary comments lately and not just from strangers but ppl I know too and if one more person says some offhand shit to me I'm going to black out and bite until there's blood leave me the fuck ALONE
#got home and im so so so angry its not even that big a deal i dont even get annoyed when it happens every now and then#but these last few weeks ive had a fucking deluge of weird comments abt my age and my gender i dont fucking know why its happening more#and ive had enough im abt to snap. its been on the back of my mind as a vague irritation but it just keeps fucking building#so much stupid shit i cant even list it all here and its not just ppl mistaking me but sometimes going out of their way to be rude#and the fucking misogynistic shit ppl keep saying to me too especially at work please fuck off forever and die#i dont wanna get into it bc ill just get more pissed off im just gonna go cry in the shower and then ill be fine after#probably just feeling it more today bc i didnt take my afternoon meds anyway. altho this isnt the only time its upset me so.#ugh whatever..... its out of my control. and im not gonna go out of my way to try and conform more easily to other ppls ideas of me#bc im comfortable in myself and my body and with how i present so im not going to change that. just tired of dealing with assholes#and im tired of constant misunderstandings its much more than this superficial assumptions abt appearances like ppl who know me keep#making wrong assumptions or miscommunicating or just general poor judgement and that bothers me way more but its much harder to express#so im just getting more angry at the superficial shit as a proxy for it. ugh!!!!#well anyway. hopefully theres enough hot water left for me i want a scalding shower#grinds my teeth so loudly#.diaries#.vent
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i haven’t really drawn anything of worth in months
#civetmemes#lil ranty rant in the tags here#but MAAAAN art is so hard whyd i ever start doing this#i always wanted to do something art n drawing related as work but as i get older im just like#but what if you DIDNT?#doing a job that needs you to be creative like all the time really saps the fun out of it#being creative and making ideas is just so tiring now#i just gotta get another hobby FR#okay rant over thank you#ill br doodling to the day i die but god does doing this get hard sometimes#vent
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was at work for an extra HOUR tonight. gonna buy myself a fucking burger and read worm and NOT be productive. and I'm not even gonna feel guilty about it !!
#head in hands.#had to fuckign. euthanize a lionfish 5 minutes before my shift ended. which is a process that takes . like a half hour#but it took Extra Long because it was just me n one othrr person. and neither of us have handled a lionfish on our own before#had 2 prep it for necropsy and my hands were SO fuckign shaky. god.#nothing like handling venomous animals when you are one of 4 people left in the entire building!!!!!!!!!#anyway. ugh. thats probably more info than im supposed to share but god i am STRESSED and UPSET and TIRED#i already haaaate making the call for euthanasia ESPECIALLY when its not one of my primary systems#but i also didnt want him 2 die overnight and leave it for the 2nd or 3rd shift to deal with because they are COMPLETELY on their own#so it was. safer this way for everybody. but GOD i hate doing it#going 2 feel the . poetic malaise about this later. anyway. worm and burger time . worm burger.#blahblahblah
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going through it lately. and by it? i mean absolutely nothing actually.
#guys i need therapy#not that itll work#it wont#the last one didnt#and the ones before didnt but my mom only let me do one or two session each for those so i dont fault them#its been years tho so maybe?#idfk#i dont really care#i do#i probably do im just tired#yall know what type of tired#ugh i should really keep my vent posts to my vent blog so people dont have to see them#<- has made many vent posts here and actually not used the vent blog in months#my foot just fell asleep#yall lukcy i dont have a gun#i lied about quiting my job btw#something came up and it got complicated#it might turn out good tho#probably not#but if it does i might be able to move out and room with my oldest friend#oldest as in time known#not age (im older by like four months hehe(and like a head shorter but we dont talk about that shh))#but that would also mean rent which means philly will take a lot longer#and also ill have to look for shops in a whole other city so im putting off quiting for another month or two or three maybe#i dont like change. i dont like genuinely regularly thinking 'id rather die' to things that i really do want#tw vent#thats probably important#i dont like decisions#did you guys know Animal Jam got shut down?#i miss my necklace. everything else seems so- not barbaric but maybe unclean. which i guess is appropriate
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Listen I fully follow wkm lore but like how the FUCK did he come up with any of that
#Markiplier woke up one day and said What if i was a man tortured by himself and his sentient house.#What if you cant die in the house#What if the house lets you fast travel#What if the detective is only a cliche and nothing more; so when he is pressed on the details of the case hes been following for YEARS#hes devastated by the fact that he cant remember a thing?#What if the Damien looked like Darkiplier so that there was a sense of mistrust around him for the whole show#even as he is consistently the only one to help you? What if Damien was nice all along? What if Damien turned out to be Dark anyway?#What if The Actor deliberately made it so that Damien came across as the villain just as he wanted in “DAMIEN”? What if we fell for it?#What if Celine cared so much about her brother that she fucked you over in an attwmpt to help him?#What if she kept him in a winter pocket dimension while you reach out for the cane?#What if he didnt remember everything that happened in the house and is always tired?#What if hes constantly being told “get some sleep damien” and “its time to wake up damien” to show the duality of sharing a body?#What if at the end its all pointless because the ice breaks anyway? What if Damien “life is ours to choose” Mayor makes his first choice#to let his sister sleep while he pilots the body?#What if by the time you arrive back in the present the body Damien and Celine stole from you is looking in the mirror#and just like the ice broke in the pocket dimension; the mirror cracks and you are forever stuck behind the mirror/your device's screen?#What if the detective believes you were killed as he says in WWM? What if The colonel (now Wilford Motherloving Warfstache)#can fast travel; time travel; teleport; and fuck knows what else because he realised he was part of a story?#What if that was the reason the detective was a conglomerate of different noir detective cliches?#What if theres masks on everyone but the detective at the end and I said “what masks?” when asked abt it and you still dk what it means?#What if the gardener didnt have lightning strike after saying “murder” because he hasnt been in the house for years?#what if the house seeded things in the actors head after Celine left him saying about how nothing was his fault and it was all someone else?#What if the house did this for years untik the actor was well and truly manipulated by a force he didnt even know was there?#what if he wanted Damien to be the villain in his “story” which implies that when he figured out how to cheat death in the house-#he also figured out he was a part of a story just like Wilford and eventually Abe did?#What if no one had a happy ending what if everyone was tragic what if people were only what you wrote for them as characters?#And what if the house was my head? What if the house was a metaphor for my brain all along?#and also what if they were all gay?#wkm#who killed markiplier
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when i see people with the same ugw as me but theyre taller i feel so bad about myself
#idk i just. a bmi of under 15 is considered where its far more dangerous#and im already very unhealthy so im just not sure i wanna go below that. i guess 5 more pounds would be that big a deal#ugh. my ugw was less than that before when i was younger bc i was shorter. ive been doing this so long ack#i used to wanna be 70 but i was shorter then and alwo didnt understand the danger as much and also didnt care as much#but at this moment i dont wanna die and u less i suddenly lose all my free time to do what i 3njoy i dont think thats gonna change#ugh. 80 wouldnt be that bad would it. ill see how i look once im 85 and then ill put effort into gaining muscle wnd losing fat before i#go qnd lower my ugw. previously when i weighed 105 my ugw was 90#part of me wants to lower it way more into the dangerous zone bc i know im never gonna look like a lot of the insanly thin ppl in thinspo#unless im very dangerously underweight but also.i will be so tired if i do that. and ill be too tired to do my favorite thing. and as much#as being skinny is important to its not the most important thing. simply being skinny usnt gonna make me happy and fix my problems#i wont be able to just look in the mirror and feel ok. but my fav thing does do that. and its always my top priority to keep that available
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i am a fucking idiot, that is the conclusion im coming to recently.
#vent/rant#WHOS UP FOR A STORY ABOUT HOW IM THINKING ABOUT MY EX AGAIN#its fucking tiring at this point#like 'oh im over her' and then a month passes i have a random memory of her and we're back to the bullshit#i fucking hate this i fucking hate myself for putting myself through this im stupid im a fucking idiot god fucking dammit.#aaaaaaaaaaaaa#it started from like a little memory of a thing#aaaaaaand then it escalated to me writing another longass message to them#this time i sent it#they didnt read it yet#i think she doesnt use messenger anymore#maybe for the better#i want to fucking die#stupid idiot ass fucker <- me#guess who went through our old dms again too#if it wasnt for the fact that im not a grass toucher id kms by now#its always getting worse between the therapy sessions scheduled.#it gets worse better again and tbh im fine again when i go to the session#and my therapist thinks im fine and i think im just gaslighting myself into thinking im unwell mentally#two weeks since the therapy session#*gets mentally unwell*#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#its not a good day my friends. it is not.
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maybe if i go back on antidepressants ill ask for wellbutrin
#p#like yes i am pretty depressed rn but i dont feel like killing myself like i did when i was on viibryd#no genetic altercations my ass i was on that shit for years and just now looking back at my messages and notes no wonder i was scaring ppl#i was so anxious one time i had to sit in my brothers room so i knew he wasnt going to die suddenly#and i was so so so scared but it was like there was a mental block where it couldnt become a panic attack jst paranoia#but i was one degree from it. just imagining what i did to him happening to me scared me to death and i had to reassure myself#my mom asked me abt it the other day like 'hmmm. wouldve been nice to let me know you werent on it anymore. seems like a thing your mother-#'-should know.' and like yes since im still completely dependent on her in all aspects but man#i didnt want to explain i had no interest in seeing lisa anymore and i was just done. i was so tired of my lows being so fucking low#and not even noticing they were so bad yknow#do i even know how to be honest anymore. no i dont think of killing myself but i dont see a future for myself either#i have no goals no motivation no nothing#its selfish to want to die but its like that mytoecold dude video where hes like 'if i spilled milk and then killed myself technically-#'-the problem would be gone' like yeah. that is true. how do i get that out of my belief system#he was a raging addict btw i just saw that video. crazy and sad but i guess when you are dealt a bad hand you see eye to eye
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my nobody asked for opinion on contest mode crota's end is that it was very good
#misc#very well balanced between not having to disgustingly optimize dps and in depth mechanics which are my favorite part about learning raids#the most fun contest mode experience ive had in a long time we only got tilted at crota because everything in that room hit like a fucking#freight train and just living long enough to dps phase was a challenge in itself#then we came back today and steamrolled him but it is what it is#i didnt do challenge mode because 1. my team started late 2. we did it blind 3. we were very tired#i didnt run the raid again to get the emblem oh no . shoot me. i ran RON contest mode twice and i wanted to die#speaking of root of nightmares i farmed nezarec 3 times today and i got pants. every single time. i screamed#destiny#also can someone pleawse please PLEASEEEEEEEE tell bungie to upload the new ost for crota's end its so fucking good
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backtracking a little bit. lemme say this. if i ever come up to u talking abt investigating some woods + abandoned building in the middle of the fucking night, i give u full permission block my number delete my contact the whole nine yards or whatever
i wasnt aware this was a jjk fic :l
#but anyways#will do bc i appreciate my life#to an extent#i genuinetly think im gonna die everytime im in a plane its a problem#i didnt sleep til 12 sum this morning then woke up at 130#slept for maybe 2 hours in the car to the airport idk i was in and out bc xavier was driving like a maniac#seriously who watches reels when driving#not exactly an essential#and when we finally got on the plane i couldnt sleep bc i was so tired i didnt think i was gonna wake up#i was in n out and in and out for 3 and a half hours#and then we got in the car to go home and my fucking mother wanted to stop for chick fil a and asking my sister if she wanted to eat inside#LETS GO FUCKING HOME#anyway i sat in there and slept for 30 minutes give or take i woke up to someone bumpinh into the car#some guys were landscaping he just accidentally reared into my moms car#not with a car just himself#anyway#we got on the actual road and i was in and out for that 2 and sum drive#idk what time i got home but i was 8 sum when we got in the car to go to chick fil a so maybe 11 12 1?#passed out in my clothes til 5#so like most of my day ive been anxious as fuck
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gm gang i read an epic ff16 fic last night that was a fix it time travel fic and i. am inspired. may have to adjust kosmos a little ehehehe
#jupiter.speaks#> like clive goes back in time and changes things and there was even a bit where he (sorta) convinces barnabas to join him#> but also that did not work super well so he is like. okay we'll just bring him to the hideaway cells for now :3 hehe#> now that ive slept on the main story endin tho im like. ok. that didnt feel rewardin enough#> this is gonna sound so unrelated but since sh.e-ra's ending i have hated self sacrificing stories. i want a happy ending!!#> im tired of martyrs!! im tired of letting a char die bc theyre self destructive by nature i waNT THEM TO LIVE!! I WANT TO LIVE!!!!!#ff16 spoilers#> in tags mainly for spoilers but. anywag....#> but i have ideas on how a fix it au could work. possibly even better than my og idea for ko.smos#> idk why i censored his name there. but no like ultima clearly has a god complex n wouldnt doubt himself/his plan for m.ythos so#> so kosmos wouldnt happen. thats okay tho i couldnt have known that until i finished the game. i do 💖 the kosmos rebrand into fix it lots
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