Yo you have every right to be upset about things! You're still a person with your own feelings and deserve to be treated kindly. No one should come at you for making things you enjoy or for misunderstandings. I hope things get better for you even if I wasn't here for when all the drama happened (or maybe I was and just wasn't aware of it? I tend to avoid drama as much as possible tbh)
I didn't really post about it much. I think I answered about 4 asks about it (three of them in the same post because i was sure it was the same anon due to the similar string of seemingly continued messages) and the rest I just deleted as soon as they came in, but I got... A lot. A lot of mean things said too. Kinda hurts when you wanted to make something because you knew this work was highly criticized and wanted to let people give it a second chance only to be shot down by the people you were hoping to defend lol
In short, and a lot of it I missed because I was blocked by a lot of people so my friend sent me screencaps; someone took I believe only the old ask box post I had for ULR, which at the time was called "Underlust Rewrite," and was disgusted at the fact that everything was revamped and "made for kids" (because it's not 18+ explicit content, but as I've said before, it's just cause I'm too scared to be horny on main, and I've literally made a whole different biological system for ULR so I can write the necessary story ""sex scenes"" without it being human-like sex or otherwise uncomfortable or too explicit for me to draw, but I still consider it a mature story overall), so they blocked me instantly here and on twitter and then made a callout post on twitter itself. People were telling me originally to stop calling the AU Underlust, and I didn't really get it at first, because like, what's the difference between my spinoff and, say, Underlust Gold, Swapfell Indigo, TS!Underswap, you know, names that have add-ons from the original title to differentiate it but still connect it to the source. So that's what I said, as well as if I removed the Underlust name, it would be considered stealing to me, because I'd be disconnecting it from the source. But apparently, instead, what had been the concern was that it was just being called "Underlust" and the "Rewrite" aspect was implying I was replacing the original story, which like, had never been my intention and I've made a bunch of things with both the ULR and UL cast together and love the idea of Lust and Ace meeting up and just being a disaster duo of not working together at all. I just adore Underlust like it's in my pinned FAQ, Lust's been in my banner for months now, and he's practically my staple pfp character on every account but here atm.
It took like 3 days for it to actually click what was going on, because once I finally got the chance to have a conversation with someone where they weren't telling me I was the scum of the Earth -- which, honestly, bless the three people I talked to, they were so sweet (which actually included someone from the Japanese side of the fandom whose art I loved too... yeah it got pretty far. Once I sent them a message though it was cleared up quickly and they did post a clarification post about ULR and me, so that was nice to see.) -- I finally got the chance to realize that this was a misunderstanding from the beginning, from both sides, where people coming at me were saying I was doing all of the stuff above and probably more but those stuck the most, while I was confused as to where this information and accusations were coming from and what they were referring to in the first place. They probably never explained it in the anon asks because, well, they probably assumed I knew what I was doing, but when they came at me about something I didn't do with vague context of something I did do, I was very confused, and got really defensive really quickly, and really honestly snapped pretty hard. After my first initial explanation post and people were still trying to tell me to stop ULR/don't call it Underlust/whatever else there was, I just got tired and told people to block me if they didn't like it. But that didn't really stop anyone and honestly made it worse because that's when I started getting really nasty messages. I like... Specifically remember one where someone called me a lowlife and a thief, and that one stuck the most, but I tended to not read through them before deleting them for my own sanity. I actually did this to one of the people who'd later talked to me calmly about it at first too, because I had just woken up, and really didn't want to read an essay lecture on everything everyone's been telling me at the crack of 7am when I was borderline ready to delete my account and start over lol
Some people I do remember were accusing me of trying to censor nsfw content or erase it as well because ULR isn't 18+, and I'm out here on my horny ass like "wh. What are they talking about, where did you get that idea, have you SEEN my ao3 recommended list," /j but in all seriousness I really didn't understand that accusation at all because I've never been against nsfw content in the slightest and lowkey? This is very dumb -- but like, you know how they say when you get hate mail, you know you've made it? Well, for me, my thought has always been, "When there's 18+ fancontent of my OC's, I'll have finally made it." This is... Not a joke, some of my friends think its very weird LMAO oh well. I've been on the internet for far too long at this point -- like, definitely since I was far too young, probably, and being with a family of the next youngest being 12 years older than me, I really dove into stuff pretty quickly I definitely shouldn't have, but hey that's life -- I'm really unfazed by mostly anything now. Hell, me making ULR was honestly half motivated by me wanting to make others more comfortable with this kind of media, discussing sexuality and otherwise sexual-considered topics, without really being embarrassed or bothered by it. Because, people talk about death and killing and whatever other gorey stuff just fine, but the moment sex comes up, people just gasp in awe, y'know? I kind of grew up that way myself but like... ironically, in being more comfortable with my asexuality, I realized that it's honestly not that big of a deal. Sure, we don't need to hear the details of everything. We don't need to hear the details of a murder either. But I will never understand how murder is always the lowest on the "morally wrong list of things to not to" to so many people and that it's fine to mention, but even consider bringing up anything else and it's like, a sin and you're a bad person. Even racism is like, higher up on there for a lot of people, which it's like... this is an issue that needs to be discussed, or it can never be solved. You can't just kick that away and hope it goes away on its own, that's never how it works.
Ah, well, now I've gone off tangent lol. Sorry to make you read a blob of text lmao but having things in a cohesive format of what I've been thinking does feel a bit better. Thank you for the support regardless, and I do want to keep making what I really enjoy, because frankly, I really want to make things that make people take a step back and think for a moment, y'know? Things that invoke like a realization in yourself about something you didn't even know. That's how fiction's always been for me, so I want to give back by making it that way too. ... maybe my horny content is exempt from this however. That's just. Self indulgence LMAO.
Probably helps that I'm actually talking this all out for once, too, since before any of this I tried to keep as much of the situation contained to myself as possible in hopes I could clean it up before it got too bad. That was, in hindsight, probably a terrible idea lol. But I didn't want to be a source of stress for anyone following me or become the new creator-to-defend that like, 50% of people hate and 50% of people love and that you're either on one side or the other and there's no where in between. (I feel like Arin Hanson comes to mind for me every time I think of someone like this.) I know I can't please everyone and I knew internet hate would come eventually, but like, didn't expect it to be over a name or tag choice. I thought that would be a simple enough DM or clearable thing but apparently not, especially since I saw someone a few weeks ago delete their blog over a similar thing (though, the opposite, in a way: posting nsfw in a sfw tag by mistake). It wasn't in the UT fandom so y'all probably weren't following them (tbf I wasn't either, I just witnessed it happen from start to finish), but it was still disheartening.
Anyway, thank you, and sorry to make ya read all of that (if you actually did vahdbs don't blame you if you don't it's a lot of thought dump lmao)💕💕
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~All the questions!~
1. If you didn't have to sleep, what would you do with the extra time? I’d probably cook or look for recipes
2. What is your favorite piece of clothing you own / owned? I don’t have one
3. What hobby would you pick up if time & money weren't an issue? Making armor and forging swords!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
4. What does your perfect room look like? Its a kitchen! A very large kitchen!
5. How often do you play sports? Sadly not anymore
6. What fictional place would you like to visit? Middle Earth!
7. What job would you be terrible at? Anything construction based
8. When was the last time you climbed a tree? I haven’t climbed a tree in years :/
9. If you could turn any activity into an Olympic sport, what would you have a good chance of winning a medal for? Sleeping?
10. What is the most annoying habit that you or other people have? I currently can’t think for some reason
11. What job do you think you'd be really good at? I have no idea, honestly
12. What skill would you like to master? A great many things, like cooking and such and also metalwork!!!
13. What would be the most amazing adventure to go on? Backpacking through the appalachians I think would be wonderful
14. If you had unlimited funds to build a house to live on for the rest of your life, what would the finished house look like? Like a castle
15. What's your favorite drink? Alcoholic? Angry Orchard! But mostly the green apple one.
16. What state or country do you never want to go back to? I haven’t been to enough places to answer this
17. What songs do you have completely memorized? Too many to answer this properly
18. What game or movie universe would you like to live in? Tolkien!
19. What do you consider to be your best find? My best find? No idea, probably a cool rock
20. Are you usually early or late? I try so hard to be early
21. What pets did you have when you were growing up? I had a dog!!! Avalanche! And then a turtle, bob
22. When people come to you for help, what do they usually need help with? All sorts of things! I try to make sure my friends know I’m here to help
23. What takes up too much of your time? Tumblr
24. What do you wish you knew more about? Everything??????????? (astrophysics)
25. What would be your first question after waking up from being frozen for 100 years? “What the fuck?”
26. What are some small things that make your day better? a lovely conversation with a good person! Also good food!
27. Who's your go-to band or artist when you don't know who or what to listen to? Whatever’s on spotify
28. What's the best way to start the day? Sleep until noon
29. What TV shows do you like? Chopped, Iron Chef, Voltron is pretty cool, CRITICAL ROLE (Not a tv show but I don’t care)
30. What TV channel doesn't exist but really should? I have no idea
31. Who has impressed you most with what they've accomplished? I’m sorry, but I don’t have the thought to answer this
32. What age do you wish you could stay at permanently? I don’t
33. What TV show or movie do you refuse to watch? 50 Shades
34. What's your ideal way to spend a weekend? Catching up on Critical Role, maybe hang out!
35. What is something that is considered a luxury, but you don't think you could live without? Internet?
36. What is your claim to fame? I don’t understand
37. What is something you enjoy doing the old-fashioned way? Nothing?
38. What's your favorite book or movie genre? Lord of the Rings!!!
39. How often do you people-watch? Never, I tend to make eye contact too often
40. What have you only recently formed an opinion about? Something political, probably
41. What's the best day of the year? A day that it’s snowing?
42. What subject interests you that not many people have heard of? ????????????
43. How do you relax after a long day of work? I sleep
44. What's the best book series or TV series you've ever read or watched? My favorite is Tolkien
45. Where is the farthest you've ever been from home? I’m 1553 miles from my home
46. What's the most heartwarming thing you've ever seen? No idea
47. What is the most annoying question people ask you? “So you’re like a plant?”
48. What could you give a 40-minute presentation on with no preparation? Tolkien universe stuff
49. If you were the dictator on a small island nation, what crazy dictator stuff would you do? I’d give free food and water and healthcare to the citizens and revive the barter system
50. What is something you think everyone should do at least once in their lives? Be free
51. Would you rather go hand gliding or whitewater rafting? I like whitewater rafting
52. What's your dream car? One that I own and has good gas mileage. Preferably an SUV
53. What's worth spending more on to get the best? Shoes, food, relationships
54. What is something a ton of people are obsessed with, but you just don't get? sex
55. What are you most looking forward to in the next 10 years? Loving myself
56. Where is the most interesting place you've been? Mt. Greylock
57. What's something you've been meaning to try but haven't gotten around to it? Making something but I can’t think of what specifically
58. What is the best thing that happened to you last week? I’m going to a convention in 2 weeks!
59. What piece of entertainment do you wish you could erase from your mind, only to experience it for the first time again? All of the Critical Role episodes
60. If all jobs had the same pay rate and hours, what job would you want to have? No idea
61. What amazing thing have you done that no one was around to see? I don’t know
62. How different was your life 1 year ago? I was living in Mass and was working at a shitty warehouse. Pretty different
63. What quirks do you have? idk man
64. What would you rate 10/10? A dog probably
65. What fad or trend do you think should come back? Being a good person!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
66. What is the most interesting piece of art you've seen? I’m not super into art, honestly
67. What kind of art do you enjoy most? No idea
68. What do you hope never changes? Nothing
69. What city would you most like to live in? I hate cities
70. What movie title best describes your life? No idea
71. Why did you decide to do the work you are doing now? The job was literally handed to me
72. What's the best way a person can spend their time? Having a good time????
73. If you suddenly became a master at woodworking, what would you make? Bows. So many bows. And arrows
74. Where is the most relaxing place you've ever been? Mt. Greylock
75. What's the luckiest thing that has ever happened to you? I was literally handed a job by the manager of the place next to my dad’s work
76. Where would you rather be from? I kinda wanted for my parents to have me in South Africa, but Oh well lol
77. What are some things you've had to unlearn? Toxic masculinity, transphobia, homophobia, misogyny, racism. All sorts of shitty stuff
78. What do you look forward to in the next 6 months? I have no idea!
79. What website do you visit most often? ...Tumblr...
80. What one thing do you really want but can't afford? A car and a home (that’s more than 1 thing)
81. Where do you usually go when you have free time? My computer...
82. Where would you spend all your time if you could? The mountains
83. What's special about the place you grew up? snow???
84. What age do you want to live to? Until I’m dead, I don’t care what age
85. What are you most likely to become famous for? Nothing
86. What are you absolutely determined to do? Love myself
87. What is the most impressive thing you know how to do? I can...um...I can cook??????????
88. What do you wish you knew more about? All the things
89. What question would you most like to know the answer to? No idea
90. What question can you ask to find out the most about a person? Fuck I don’t know
91. When was the last time you changed your opinion or belief about something major? It’s been some time
92. What's the best compliment you've ever received? When people complement my cooking?
93. As the only human left on earth, what would you do? Die alone
94. Who inspires you to be better? Nobody, only me
95. What do you want your epitaph to be? It had better have my real name
96. What haven't you grown out of? These pants
97. In what situation or place would you feel most out of place in? Most situations
98. What's the dumbest thing you've done that actually turned out pretty well? I don’t know
99. If someone wrote a book on an event in your life, what would the book be about? Fuck if I know
100. What's something you will never do again? There are a few things
101. How do you hope you'll change as a person in the future? I hope to be a better person
102. What keeps you up at night? My dumb brain
103. What's the most surprising self-realization you've had? Well the whole not being straight of cis was surprising
104. What is the most illegal thing you've ever done? I’m not incriminating myself (I don’t remember)
105. How do you get in the way of your own success? I have depression
106. What are you afraid people see when they look at you? A gross blob. Or a shitty person
107. What is your biggest regret? I have a lot
108. What do you look down on people for? Bigotry
109. What bridges do you not regret burning? Several
110. What lie do you tell most often? I tell a lot of lies, but I’m getting better
111. What would be your spirit animal? Idk
112. What is the best & worst thing about getting older? My bones hurt
113. What are you most likely very wrong about? Lots of things
114. If you had a personal flag, what would be on it? No idea
115. What's happened that changed your view on the world? Tumblr, honestly
116. What is the biggest lesson you've learned? I’ve learned a lot of things
117. What is the most immature thing you do? No idea
118. What are you famous for among your friends & family? Being an idiot
119. If your childhood had a smell, what would it be? Void. I have no memory
120. What one responsibility do you wish you didn't have? Working and paying bills
121. What are 3 things you want to accomplish before you die? I want to transition, find love, and love myself
122. What do you want to tell your 10-year-old self? Hey kid, you’re a lady and also don’t try to force yourself into sexual situations
123. What's the best thing you got from your parents? Cooking skills
124. What's the best thing about you? I’m kinda nice I guess?
125. What blows your mind? Space
126. Have you ever saved someone's life? Nope
127. What are you really good at but embarrassed to be good at? I’m not good at much, honestly
128. What would a mirror opposite of you look like? Hot
129. What are 3 interesting facts about you? I’m not in the state of mind for this, sorry
130. Which of your scars has the best story behind it? I have one on my hip that I got from a game of manhunt. I ran into a fence and flipped over it lol. Ruined a nice shirt
131. What's the title of the current chapter in your life? Welcome to Texas, Don’t Die
132. What were some of the biggest turning points in your life? Realizing my queerness
133. What's the hardest lesson you've learned? I’d rather not think about that
134. What do people think is weird about you? A lot
135. What mistake do you keep making? Falling too fast
136. What have you created that you're most proud of? A batch of brownies
137. What do you doubt? Myself
138. What are some of your morals? Don’t be shitty??????
139. What do you want to be remembered for? Being kind
140. What do you regret not doing in your childhood years? I don’t remember them
141. What is your favorite fragrance? Trees and mountain air
142. What do you think your last words will be? Fuck
143. Who or what do you take for granted? Fuck if I know
144. Why would you be annoying as a roommate? I snore, apparently. And I shed like a motherfucker :/
145. What is something you're insecure about? My physical appearance
146. What's the best & worst piece of advice you've received? I don’t know
147. What irrational fears do you have? Heights, spiders, men????
148. What makes a good life? Happiness
149. What's the last adventure you went on? I haven’t been on an adventure in a long time
150. What is the most memorable gift you've received? My dad’s Lord of the Rings book
151. Last kiss An ex, ages ago
152. Last phone call My mom
153. Last text message This cute dork :p
154. Last song you listened to The Critical Role opening song!
155. Last time you cried A few weeks ago
HAVE YOU EVER:156. Dated someone twice Yes, once
157. Been cheated on Yes...
158. Self harmed Not traditionally? I smoked for a bit hoping fr cancer and I binge ate for a heart attack. Bad shit
159. Lost someone special Yes. My grandmother
160. Been depressed Hella
161. Been drunk and threw up Nope
THIS YEAR HAVE YOU:162. had sex lol no
163. How many people have you had sex with this year? Zero
165. Made a new friend YES!! :D
167. Laughed until you cried No
168. Met someone who changed you Not this year
169. Found out who your true friends were No
170. Found out someone was talking about you No?
171. What did you do for your last Birthday Went to dinner, I think
172. What time did you wake up today Noonish?
173. Name something you CANNOT wait for Well I have a date this weekend (!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and a con the next weekend, I think?
174. Last time you saw your all of your siblings at the same time March :/
175. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life A few things
176. What are you listening to right now Critical Role!
177. When is the last time you had sex? Never! :D
178. Who's getting on your nerves right now Nobody
179. Most visited webpage ...Tumblr...
180. Favorite colour Dark red or blue or black
181. Nicknames El
182. Relationship Status Single
183. Zodiac sign Libra
184. Male or female Female
185. Primary school South
186. Secondary School Bellingham memorial
187. High school/college Bellingham
188. Eye color Brown/hazel
189. Height 5′11″
190. Do you have a crush on someone MAYBE
191. What do you like about yourself I’m kinda nice
192. Piercings 3, nips and lip
193. Tattoos No :/
194. Righty or lefty Righty
FIRSTS:195. First piercing My lip!
196. First best friend I don’t remember!
197. First hookup I’m a virgin
198. First Bestfriend You asked this?
RIGHT NOW:199. Eating Nothing
200. Drinking Nothing
201. I'm about to Finish this damn thing
202. Listening to Critical Role
203. Waiting for The weekend!
YOUR FUTURE:204. Want kids? Nah
205. Get married? Someday
206. Career Something cool!
WHICH IS BETTER:207. Lips or eyes Eyes
208. Hugs or kisses Both!
209. Shorter or taller Neither
210. Older or Younger Neither
211. Romantic or spontaneous Both?
212. Nice stomach or nice arms I don’t particularly care
213. Sensitive or loud Neither
214. Hook-up or relationship Relationship
HAVE YOU EVER:215. Kissed a stranger No
216. Drank hard liquor Ye
217. Lost glasses/contacts I broke glasses, not lost
218. Had sex Nope
219. Broken someone's heart Yes
220. Been arrested Nope
221. Turned someone down Possibly? I don’t recall
222. Cried when someone died Yes
223. Fallen for a friend Hella lol
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:224. Yourself Ehh
225. Miracles Ehh
226. Love at first sight No
227. Heaven In a sense
228. Santa Clause No lol
229. Kiss on the first date Maybe????? Never done it, don’t have a problem with it?
230. Angels Ehh
231. How would you label yourself? A few things
232. Someone You Pray Everyday For Nope
233. Did you sing today No
234. Who From All Your Ex's have You Cared The Most About No idea
235. If you could go back in time, how far would you go? I don’t think I would
236. Out Of Everything In The World What Do You Wish For Happiness
237. Are you afraid of falling in love? No
238. Do you like the way you look? FUCK no
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