#CRACK FIC I SAID

[astrobei]

he’s very tired after his surprise party btw

[toxinoire]

Kara never thought of it when Lena first asked her this question.

"What if someone says; in like a few years maybe, I'd be...gone?" Lena asks, staring at the distance.

Kara got confused at this question. But decided to answer anyway. "Well, I'd most likely, punch them or something. I'm not letting that happen."

Lena chuckled. "You're right...I guess it's just another existential crisis."

"Want to talk about it?" Kara asks softly. Lena just smiles at her. "No, darling. It's alright. It's just one of those times."

"Well, if you need anything...food, movies, a hug, I'm right here."

Lena laughs and nods. "Got that."

She didn't ask that question for no reason. She isn't sure if Kara already figured this fact out already, but their time is limited. Because Kara won't die unless she gets killed with Kryptonite or the day the yellow sun flying over them dies.

Lena knows there's a chance that Kara's life could be at stake at any given moment, but at the same time...there's a possibility that she could have Kara for the rest of her life. While Kara won't have Lena, nor the rest of their family for the rest of her life.

See here's the thing, Kara knew that. But ignorance is a bliss, as they say. She pretends that the day won't come.

But...maybe she indulged herself too much.

Because right now, Kara, swear to Rao, drops the car she's currently carrying as her eyes widen in fear. Through a window, not that big, but big enough for her to witness it firsthand.

Lena, sweet, gentle, beautiful Lena, with a knife pierced through her neck. She heard the enemy responsible for it, the one who's back is facing the window, laugh. Fucking laugh. Kara and Lena make eye contact through the window, Lena smiling gently, softly, warmly, at her. Muttering something no human could hear, but Kara heard so clearly. Her voice as soft as her gaze.

"I love you."

Kara barges in, breaking the whole wall, she rushes to her, hoping she could still save her. Hoping she wouldn't lose her. She can't lose Lena, she just can't.

However, it was too late. The knife stabbed a very fatal spot, and Kara witnesses Lena drop to the ground.

Kara can no longer hear her heartbeat.

"Aww, look at Supergirl. The Paragon of Hope, looking hopeless-"

Before this asshole can finish, Kara pushes him, actually pushes him off the broken wall, she hears him scream and plummet down, but she doesn't care.

"Lena?"

Nothing.

"Please, no. No. Fuck. Please don't leave me, don't take her too, please." Kara tries to get help, but to no avail.

Lena Luthor's death was publicly announced two days later. Many were happy at the fact that there was not a single Luthor left. The Superfriends grieved in their own ways. At least some people in the city actually acknowledged what Lena did for the world and paid their respects. The Superfriends tried to comfort Kara. She appreciates it, of course, but it won't bring Lena, Kara's...everything, back to her.

Now everywhere she goes, Kara just sees Lena.

She would try to go to Big Belly Burger, she just remembers that time they celebrated Lena's birthday there. Noonan's? She just sees Lena's smile when Kara gives her coffee from that place. The park in National City? That time Lena used her magic fully for the first time. CatCo? She remembers every hall Lena ever walked in. She sees a book? She remembers Lena giving her one.

Her own apartment also reminds her of Lena, all the times they had there. Certain foods remind her of Lena. Everything around her is now just a ghost of Lena. Even fucking kryptonite reminds her of Lena.

She's everywhere Kara goes.

No one in the city realized how much Supergirl was so torn over the loss of Lena Luthor.

Some dickwads actually thought she was happy about it, which some idiot reporter asked her one day.

"You must be really relieved that the last Luthor is no longer a threat."

Kara stays silent, yet her eyes emmit everything she wants to say.

Kelly holds back an angry Alex from hitting someone, but Kelly herself is yelling about how insensitive that was, about how this reporter is disrespecting the dead, about how they forgot that Lena worked with Supergirl. Both Brainy and Nia list down everything that Lena has done to save the city.

Kara? She's been silent, before taking a deep breath, looking at the reporter, knowing there are cameras surrounding her, she says,

"This world is nothing without her."

Then, she flies away, higher into the blue skies and screams.

Would you look at that, world. There's a Luthor that successfully broke a Super.

[vicsy]

something something something about how max’s hair is completely brown now…when daniel closes his eyes all he sees is blonde

ohhh. ohh anon. you should not have gone there.... but I am glad you did. this is also something very up @mysticalbreadcollective 's alley since blonde Max is on her daily agenda BUT

anon. idk what floats your boat but let me take you somewhere rancid under the cut (let the record show that I am a maxiel truther but my god do I enjoy making them suffer with other people)

it's current season and maxiel aren't together due to Reasons with capital R of course. Daniel's "i can't fuck my teammate i am not into guys or am I but maybe that's just Max oh no you can't be with Max" and Max's general understanding of his own worth and needs. they can't escape the tension, the lingering touches, the double entendre running through their relationship like a river in flood. one step forward, two steps back etc etc

so things aren't going exactly as planned for Daniel and, naturally, he's fighting the pull towards Max and the best next thing his brain chooses to do is find someone to hook up with, get it out of his system. since his dick is very much attuned to Max after years of imagining that's its gonna find itself parked in Max's ass (which never happened), Daniel's looking for someone particular to scratch the itch and, apparently, to spite the fate, his choice falls to YOU GUESSED IT – Liam.

very convenient, since they're both gunning for the same thing. exploring some healthy alternatives to their impromptu rivalry or whatever the media says. Daniel's pretty charming and Liam's easy. done and done.

and it's bad. capital "b" Bad. the sex comes pretty fast and Daniel's checking all of his boxes - rookie, blonde, tiny waist, looks at him with wide eyes etc etc and Liam is surprisingly down to fuck cause maybe that is also convenient for him, too. but he's mean about it. He's heard legends about Big Dick Ric and the dick is very big but the prowess? lacking. he says that to Daniel's face after, like, the third time it happens. which should be incredibly insulting but–

Daniel's pining and trying to trick himself which works exactly for three seconds but Liam isn't what he wants. wrong kind of blonde hair that Daniel's gripping tight while he fucks Liam from the back, never face to face, because that would prompt Daniel to THINK and RUMINATE and he doesn't want that. he wants Max the way he sees him when he closes his eyes but it's gone when he opens them and finishes another underwhelming sexcapade. it's never the right color, it's never the right person' it's always a bad time.

"do you think I'm not getting what you're doing here?" Liam says to him one day, grinning meanly, and Daniel truly doesn't know the answer to that question. he's hella confused himself. Liam seems to get off on the situation more than when he's riding Daniel's dick, so he calls Daniel Danny in the garage and he suddenly glues himself to Daniel's side, which is. weird. manipulative? Daniel's plan to get over himself backfires when he sees Liam talking to Max one day and Max's easy smile slowly dissipates as Liam's yapping but Daniel can't hear a word.

he doesn't really need to. he knows Liam cashed in on Daniel's sorry excuse of a reason to hook up. all Daniel can do is add to the history of horrendous decisions he's made in his life and live with the knowledge that he's probably never going to wake up next to Max's mostly-not-blonde hair getting in his face where they're tangled in bed, that Daniel's dabbled in something he should not have touched with a ten foot pole, that he'd tarnished all of his chanced, basically set them on fire when max had been there and never turning him down all the way.

Daniel got some, Liam got some. after all, it's Max who, unfairly, walks out it hurt the most, because of Daniel's choice, because of him thinking he was chasing something else while in reality he was running. and Daniel never fucking stopped.

[written-by-3racha]

small drabble based off of the one kids room, but I think trying to kill a bug with changbin would be so chaotic.. you'd think since he's so big, he wouldn't be scared of bugs, but you were wrong.

"BINNIETHERESABUGINMYROOMANDIDON'TKNOWWHATTODOHELPME!" You'd come screaming into his arms.

"A what?"

"Bug..." You held his hand with your trembling hands and took him to your bedroom, pointing at the giant centipede in your room.

Instead of killing the bug, your boyfriend just ran out of the room and screamed so high it could break glass.

You ran after him, both of you flushed from fear.

"We're moving out as soon as possible, bunny, pack your stuff." Changbin said when he finally caught his breath.

"I think I would need to be able to get in my room to pack my stuff."

"Oh yeah."

In the end, Changbin called Hyunjin and forced him to kill the bug for you both, he now owes Hyunjin a favor. <3

[housewifebuck]

wip game catchup time

I know I have been so so bad about posting/reblogging all the tag games u guys have been tagging me in and im sorry for that!!! consider this a mashup of all the various games ive been tagged in in the last couple days🤪 here's a lil bit of the new firehose wip

tagged by @shitouttabuck @devirnis @theotherbuckley @sibylsleaves @disasterbuckdiaz @loserdiaz @wikiangela @eddiebabygirldiaz @jeeyuns @wildlife4life @watchyourbuck @lover-of-mine @athenagranted &lt;3

“Fuck you.” Buck points an accusatory finger in Hen’s direction. “We swore never to talk about that again.”  “Uh, you swore. I distinctly remember not swearing, specifically so I could make sure you never forgot your roots.” She looks all too thrilled by the rise she’s getting out of Buck, her smile growing as he theatrically shrinks in on himself. “And what long, thick roots they are.” Unable to contain his nosiness any longer, Eddie clears his throat and asks, “What are you guys talking about?” Buck whips around immediately, startling like he had forgotten anyone else was present. The superficial scowl he’s wearing morphs into wide-eyed panic, and Hen lets out an honest-to-god cackle as she swivels to face Eddie. “Oh, you didn’t know?” she asks, faux-innocent in a way that implies absolute awareness of his ignorance. “Buck here used to have another nickname.”  Across from them, Buck buries his face in his hands with a childishly loud groan. “You’re ruining my life,” he mumbles. Hen ignores him. “They used to call him firehose,” she continues. This is punctuated by a suggestive waggle of her eyebrows, like it’s some sort of reference Eddie is supposed to understand. Lost, he chances a look at Buck, but his gaze is studiously fixed on the floor, arms crossed and lips pursed tightly.  “Why?” Eddie asks slowly. “Wait, who’s ‘they’?”

[chemicalarospec]

I'm inventing a new LawLight dynamic where L is like "Been feeling some sort of way towards this Light Yagami guy... Not sure which way, he's just an interesting person. Could be a crush I guess," so if someone asks him if they're dating he'd say something really weird like "I've been considering that possibility." Whereas Light suppresses any and all thoughts about their relationship but subconsciously accepts that There's Something Going On, so when asked, he's like "yeah, we're boyfriends. --Wait, what?!? Boyfriends??" (horror dawns on his face) "Oh no. Yes, we are boyfriends."

You ask them the question together and they respond "yes" and "no" at the same time, both with deep regret in their voice, and then turn and stare at each other in shock.

[shy-sapphic-ace]

I really really really want to read a Oscar/Noel fic but I can’t?? find any?? I guess I have to write my own but it’s not the same :(

[cdragons]

Revenant

Summary: Kol Mikaelson's soul manages to leave and travel while he still remains daggered in his coffin. While he wanders around and bitches about his life, he meets an unexpected friend. Warning(s): VERY HEAVY crack fic, technical crossover of fandoms, weird shit, Kol is a horny-ass gremlin, Druig & Kaety are obsessed with each other, Kol has a thing for witches bc he got mommy issues, Klaus is a bitch

Note: Merry Christmas to all who celebrate it! This fic came from an idea that I shared with @ethereal-athalia, and it is VERY much a crack fic. I don't have any plans in continuing this idea, but I wanted to write it out as a Christmas gift to @ethereal-athalia for how much of a good friend she's been to me. I never would have been able to do any of my fics without her in my corner. I own only my Hecate!OC. I do not own either Druig from Eternals, or Kol from TVD franchise. Also, Druig still very much exists in this fic and world bc I physically CANNOT write Kaety without Druig. Stay safe and hope that your upcoming year brings you all good health and happiness!

Kol hated being dead. Truly dead. Dead in a way that he couldn’t move or speak or live.

At least when he turned as a gift Mother Dearest he could still walk, even if he couldn’t use the arcane anymore. But of course, he would still always find his way back to witches and their magic. He couldn’t help it if he exuded that charm that made him so irresistible.

Gods, just remembering how pathetically sex-deprived his physical form was currently almost made him weep. He couldn’t wait until the moment he got that fucking silver dagger out of his chest. Nik was going to get it when he finally got out.

Sure, he may have crossed a line when he stated that Nik had a pair of buttocks flatter than a sheet of paper. But was he the one that gave his brother such lacking assets? No. That fault lied entirely with their mother and his biological father, thank you very much.

But alas, here his soul was, walking in a forest in the middle of some mosquito-flooded country.

At the very least, his gorgeous body was safe from the onslaught of bug bites and sweltering humidity. Only in the fucking Amazon did winter feel like summer.

Kol audibly groaned once more at the thought of his immaculate figure rotting away thanks to Nik. He couldn’t bear to think about how his illustrious fair skin being that dull grayish hue from being confined by death. At least when Bekah got daggered, Nik had the decency to make sure that her body remained stored in proper conditions and carefully encased in magic to prevent any harm coming to her. He had no guarantee. No, such love and devotion only went to ‘Lijah and Bekah when it came to Nik.

Story of his life: always an outsider, even with his own fucking siblings. Gods, he wanted nothing more than have his powers return to him. At least with magic by his side he’d finally be able to show Nik he wasn’t the only one with threats, he’d show him, he’d –

“Well, well, well,” came a new voice, “aren’t you a strange sight?”

Kol immediately turned his head to locate the mindless idiot that dared to interrupt his thoughts. Did humans devolve so pathetically that they no longer understood that when they see a soul wandering alone, that soul would likely be uninterested in any attempts of conversation? But looking at the individual who spoke to him, he was shocked beyond himself to witness such a devastatingly gorgeous woman before him. She had dark almond-shaped eyes and tall with legs that went on for miles. And her thick and illustrious raven waves practically flowed down the middle of her back like a black waterfall.

Dare he say it, this woman was almost as beautiful than him.  

But regardless of how pleasing her outward appearance may be, she still would not be spared from his fury.

Pity, he would have loved to wrap those legs around his waist if he were actually here.

The corners of the woman’s lips went upward, and the cupid’s bow of her mouth was slightly pursed as she smirked, making her lips look plumper and more bitable than how they had right to be in the Original’s opinion. It was only a few seconds before the succubus burst out laughing. Her entire body arched with her back as she simply couldn’t contain herself.

“I’m sorry,” she said once he began to calm down, “but I’m afraid that I happen to be very happily married. In fact, I have been for the past near seven thousand years.” After making a quick glance up and down Kol’s near transparent form, she continued with a cat-like grin. “And I highly doubt someone as woefully young as you could satisfy a woman like me.”

Oh, now he was offended. Not being able to satisfy– did this woman have any idea who she was talking to? The list of names of men and women that swore they only believed in Heaven when Kol fucked them was so long that it would wrap the Earth twice. And she better believe than each time was more than consensual – they were begging him very enthusiastically to say the least. Who was this lady to assume –

Wait, did she say seven thousand years?

As if she could hear his thoughts, all the woman did was smiled before extending her hand.

“I think I’d like it very much if you and I became friends.”

Extending his own, Kol was surprised to see that his hand didn’t just pass through like it normally would for most physical objects. He could actually grasp her hand and feel the warmth passing through it. For the first time in…forever, Kol felt warmth flooding through him. He stared into her eyes, wondering how on Earth someone could live for seven thousand years. Even if she had the gift of mediumship, his presence was too well-hidden for even the most gifted and powerful medium to sense him.

Kol had to know more of her. He’d go mad if he didn’t.

“What are you exactly?” he carefully asked.

He could sense that this person was a being of extreme power. In the top of her finger, she likely contained far more power than Nik could possibly imagine, even in his wildest dreams. It seemed that being an invisible soul floating in the wind had its perks after all. If he was alive, walking and about, he’d never come across this marvel of a woman.

“I’d prefer if you began that question with ‘who’ than ‘what,’ but I suppose that matters little in this situation. My name is Kaetlyn, I prefer Kaet for my friends, but you may know me better as-”

“Hekate,” he whispered in awe, “Goddess of Magic. Titaness Mother of Witches and Monsters.”

“Surprised in a good way I hope?” Kaet asked with one brow raised.

“More or less, but I did imagine you about 30 feet taller with the night sky for skin and two more heads.”

“Well,” she softly chuckled, “I hope I didn’t disappoint you with my appearance. Now I’ll forgive you just this once for interrupting me. But only if you allow me to take you to my home.”

“Oh?” Kol asked, a salacious grin spreading across his face. Now things were getting interesting.

“Save it Kol Mikaelson-” ordered the ancient goddess as she raised her hand to her face as she pointed at him in warning- “I am taking you to the village that I run with my husband. So, I suggest that you keep your hands to yourself because he has a nasty little habit of being showing exactly how off-limits I am to youngsters such as yourself.”

“I never told you my-”

“You were once a witch, and I am the mother of magic. All witches and their magic came from me, including you.”

It really was so unfair how good she looked while talking over him. Oh well, he might as well play along. Finally, something interesting was happening in his life.

“So, who is this husband of yours, darling? And how can you be so sure that your husband could be a threat to me? You know who I am, what I became. What makes you so sure that once I enter your village, I won’t use my ghostly ways to end him.”

When Kol finished, he immediately felt a shift in the air. It was as if the sun had disappeared and the jungle went silent. It seemed that the animals that served as their audience went dead silent as if they were in anticipation for his end. The kind and amiable mirth of the chthonic witch shifted to dangerous and cold.

Kol had lived for over 700 years and after everything he done and witnessed, he had never felt such chill run down his spine.

“Listen well,” she began – her tone laced with the power and authority that came from someone of her position, “I won’t try to humor you with answering that ridiculous question, nor do I intend to let you presume that my kindness can be mistaken for naivety. My husband is one with abilities as ancient and powerful as mine. If you truly knew what he was capable of, you’d be far more terrified of him than you ever were of your father. That being said, if you ever try to threaten my husband or even think about go so far to joke about it again, I promise you that I can produce torture and incite fear that would make the devil weep in pity for you.”

Oh fuck, even as a ghost, Kol should not have been as aroused by her threats as he was in that moment.

But soon the tension dissipated and warmth from the sun returned to pass through him once more.

“Now that we have that matter cleared up, we really should get going. The sun’s about to set and you never know what or who would be lurking at night.”

With that being the final word, The Good Lady of the Night and Shadows turned around and made her way back to where he presumed to be the location of her home village. And what else could he do but follow her by how the slight sway of her hips seemed to beckon him.

Threats and chills mixed a beautiful witch with magic more ancient than time itself, Kol couldn’t remember the last time he felt so alive.

Authors' Note: And when Kol enters the village, he tries to flirt with Kaet in front of Druig like a dumbass, and his soul gets a major ass-whooping.

Tagging: @ethereal-athalia, @valeskafics, @klauslove, @carolineforbae, @misssophiachase

Reblog and comment and like and share to anyone you think may like to read this fic!

[browneyesbrighteyes]

Listen.

I know a lot of people are saying we have lost all reason for dinluke to happen. 

(which...canon was never gonna help us there let’s be real)

But hear me out. If you treat it like the elder wand, then, technically, the Darksaber belongs to Luke.

And this creates the perfect opportunity for crack fics where Luke accidentally becomes a Mandalorian-Jedi and has to seek out Din for help with learning about Mandalorian culture. 

[deadendwips]

Batman Regency Era AU with gender swap.

Brucilla is a widow who adopts kids to burn her thief husbands money on.

First there's a Romani kidnapped child Richarella

Then there's Jasonlina and that's when it gets interesting.

Jason was adopted after Brucilla send her to a shady-but-doesn't-look-like-it convent after Brucilla caught her trying to rob her horses. Jasonlina discovers that the nuns are embezzling the prayer money, so to resolve the issue she goes! But then the major bitch nun discovers the plan and as a punish cuts jasonlina's hair it's in that moment that Brucilla comes back to adopt her, taking her back to the manor (and not resolving the embezzling thing!).

Bad bim bad boom

Now they are all grow up and Jason wants to mary this guy artemius but Brucellina says he's a golddigger and forbids jasonlina to see the man or contact hum which makes artemius think jasonlina doesn't love her anymore. And it keep on happening, everytime a man shows interest in jasonlina Brucellina locks the girl up until we get a confrontation where Jasonlina talks back Brucellina slaps her and threatens to never let her leave 'cause she's a whore and then Jason runs away and cuts her on hair to live a life of piracy where she only loves the sea and her beloved ghost girlfriend.

[hoffstrap-yuri]

Cat For Tat

ao3 // masterlist

Summary: Peter was not sure how he would prove to his roommate that a cat could understand the innate human instinct to be a bother to, him, Peter Strahm.

Tags/Content: Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Crack, Animal Transformation

Rating: T for Teen (For now subject to change)

Status: Chapter 1 of ??. Chapter 2 can be found here. Chapter 3 can be found here (EXPLICIT CONTENT BEGINS HERE).

Author's Note: So here's my fic that was inspired by @dixxiemaegraphics lovely art of Hoffkitty (x) (x) (x).  He's just such an adorable little shit I knew he would get on Strahm's nerves and I needed to write for it. I also don't know when I'm going to update with chapter two right off the bat because I have a bigger project going on in the background, but I can't say anything about that juuuust yet! So while you wait for that, enjoy this little fic!

“Damn it…” Strahm stepped off the metro and onto the platform barely covered by an awning. He remembered he left his umbrella back at the office. He would have to make the walk back to his car in the downpour of a lifetime. “Fuck this, fuck this, fuck this” He made it to his car, then slammed his head into the steering wheel as he realized that Lindsey’s car was in the lot spot that day, and he’d have to park on the street. He didn’t bother praying to a deity for a close parking spot, he knew they wouldn’t answer him anyway. He found a spot only a block away, it would have to be good enough for tonight. He pulled his phone from his pocket and checked his messages.

“Ordered Indian, see you later!” Something quick from Lindsey sent nearly 30 minutes ago. Their food would be arriving any second. He tucked it back in on the inside of his jacket and held onto the door handle. He hesitated for a second before finally stepping out into a deep puddle and soaking his dress shoes. He cursed under his breath before stepping out of the hole and made the walk down the side street. Just as he was about to step up to the apartment building he heard a quiet animal noise. His foot led up the first step, when the noise got louder. It sounded desperate. He stepped back down and peered his head around the corner from where the sound came and saw… the fattest stray cat he’d ever seen.

“What is this ugly thing.” He muttered under his breath, scoffing at the gray cat. The thing looked up at him with big wet eyes and meowed at him for his attention. “… Lindsey would like you.” So despite thinking that this stupid thing was one of god’s ugliest creations he reached his hands out and scooped the cat into them. He held the cat against his chest like a baby, surprised by the heft that the gray feline packed. With the cat in one arm, he opened the door to the apartment building and climbed up the stairs. He grabbed the keys in his pocket and opened the door, announcing to his friend that he was home. “Linds?”

“Yeah?” She stepped out into the hallway before rushing over to the little gray furball in his hands. “Oh my god, oh look at this little baby. Little gordito…” She brought her finger up to his chin and gave him scratches. The cat purred and flipped himself around in Strahm’s arm to get closer to the affectionate woman. She pulled the cat from Strahm’s arm and let his legs flop around for a moment. “Oh my god you’re so loooooong.”

“I take it you like him?” Strahm had to laugh. His best friend, his work partner, the woman who scared men twice Strahm’s size into confessions…. Obsessed with an obese cat.

“I love him.”

“Good.” He smiled

“Here, can you hold him for a second? I think I have some leftover Purina from that foster I had a couple months ago.” She handed the puff of fluff back to her partner and rummaged under the sink for the can. “Found it” She announced. He looked at the cat and frowned. The stupid thing almost seemed smug? Could a cat be smug? He carefully let the cat fall onto the ground, the animal skittering across the wooden floors towards the kitchen. Lindsey, while in a crouch, ran her fingertips over the cat’s forehead and gave him some scratches. “Hope you don’t mind the bowl…” She took the bowl and moved it away from the sink, placing it before the cat as she waited for his approval. The cat happily shoved his whole head into the bowl and licked up every last bit of the wet food before him. One more head pat and Lindsey went to get him a water bowl. The cat stretched out in front of the bowl before running and getting water from his other bowl. He lapped at the surface of the water with an insane intensity. Lindsey titled her head as she watched him and asked herself, “How long were you out there? You’re acting like you haven’t eaten in days.”

“It probably wouldn’t kill him to miss a couple treats.” Strahm muttered under his breath. Lindsey turned around, perking her ears up like she had missed something that he had said. He sealed his lips back up and shrugged, pretending as though he had been quiet the whole time. He went to get the door when their delivery arrived and Lindsey threw a couple toys in the cats face to see what he liked. He seemed to most enjoy the crinkly pom pom balls, but would never go far to catch them, making Lindsey get up and grab them if they got too far from him with his sad pathetic meows. “Food’s here, Linds.”

“Okay.” She got up from the floor and walked over to their couch. The cat followed from a distance, meowing for attention from his affectionate owner. She ignored his pleas for toys as she grabbed two pieces of naan from the foil and pulling her lamb vindaloo away from his chicken tikka masala. “What are we watching?”

“I’ve got either The Notebook or Brokeback Mountain.”

“Huh, let’s do Brokeback.” She shrugged, tucking some rice into the side of her cheek as she talked.

“Okay.” He popped the DVD into the machine and skipped through as many of the trailers as he could before getting cockblocked by the ‘FBI Anti-Piracy Warning’. Sometimes Strahm hated his own agency more than life itself. They got to the menu and after turning on subtitles for Strahm’s hearing and Lindsey’s attention, they got into the movie. Not usually one to complain about well done movies, Strahm was bored during the opening. The wide shots of the greenery did nothing for his east coast big family in one house sensibilities. Lindsey seemed enamored with it though, so as much as he wanted to say something about ‘We get it there’s trees’, he kept his mouth shut. She hit his shoulder after about twenty minutes and made a grabbing motion with her hand. He handed her the papadam and let her eat those.

“You’re never this quiet during movies.” She laughed

“I’m enjoying it, for once.” He mouthed back at her, stealing one of the crackers before she could finish the whole stack. Their cat that had sadly settled at Lindsey’s feet began making noises during the climax of the movie as Jack’s wife coldly talked to her husband’s lover. Strahm didn’t think much of it and Lindsey had her eyes glued to the screen. As Ennis cried, holding Jack’s shirt flat against his chest, their cat’s noises came to an abrupt stop. Strahm looked down at his shoe as the cat pawed at the rubber edges of the shoes before projectile vomiting over said shoes. Strahm scrambled to get up, covering his mouth to prevent himself from vomiting on the cat in turn. He tried to keep his feet from curling up to his chest and getting the vomit onto the couch as Lindsey made a dash for the kitchen to grab a wet rag.

“Stupid fucking cat!” He yelled. The cat looked at him smug once more. How could that stupid creature feel smug?

“Here, get your shoes off.” Lindsey came back, holding onto a wet towel as he stripped himself of the shoes as fast as his fingers could get him out. He grabbed the towel to clean his hand off first and took his socks off, trying to avoid any goop on the ground that might have slide off the shoes and onto the floor.

“For fucks sake, Linds.” Strahm got up from his seat and walked to the bathroom. The cat followed him from a distance, lurking like a shadow in Strahm’s footsteps. He cleaned his hands off proper and looked as the cat pushed on the door to close it on Strahm. Not fast enough, Strahm was able to keep the door open, damn near ready to punt the little thing. He wrapped his hands under the fat belly of this menace and carried it, face forward, back to Lindsey. She took a new rag and cleaned up the puke from around the corners of the cat’s mouth. “He’s going in the morning.”

“You can’t let him go back out.” Lindsey frowned slightly, “He might get mauled or ran over.”

“Then take him to the humane society.” Strahm sighed

“What if I train him?”

“You can’t train a cat to just not throw up.” He scoffed. He rubbed his face with his fingertips and let out a deep sigh.

“I can get him a new bowl tomorrow, one that will hopefully slow down his eating.”

“Fine. Just a couple more days.”

“Yay.” She cheered mostly to herself, picking up the cat and cradling him like a baby. His tail swung over Lindsey’s forearm, purring happily as he received pets from her. “I also need to buy him some diet food. I’ll take him to the vet.”

“Good. Maybe you can see if he’s chipped and give him back to his owners.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

“I’m going to bed.”

“Okay, good night.” She said, not letting go of her pet. He lumbered off to bed, only to hear that fat bitch fall to the floor and come scuttling after him. “Oh no. You’re not sleeping in my bed, satan spawn.” The thing meowed at him, like he hadn’t just vomited all over Strahm. Its noise was so pathetic, Strahm had no choice but to scoop him up and bring him into his room. He plopped the cat onto the mattress as he pulled his pajama pants and beat up t-shirt out from his dresser and changed into those. His eyes kept darting behind his person as he listened to make sure the cat didn’t make those same noises, or planning sneak attack two on Strahm’s bed. When he was changed, he went to the bathroom and brushed his teeth before going back to bed. The cat stared at the FBI agent as he rolled over the sheets again and again, leaving his stomach exposed to the human. “Tubby little fuck.” Strahm reached a hand to pet the stomach before the cat moved away, running out of the room and crying for Lindsey’s attention again. “Stupid thing.” He said to himself before crawling under his comforter and falling asleep. He doesn’t know what time it is when he wakes up the next morning, only that the little puffball has taken up residence over Strahm’s face. The cat placed itself strategically over his nose and mouth, blocking his airways. Strahm peeled the animal from his face and got out of his bed. “How the hell did you get in here, you fat fuck?” He opened the door and looked at the vicious scratching he had managed to do.

“Morning.” Lindsey greeted him, looking similarly tired. “He was clawing and crying for an hour last night, begging to be let into your room.”

“Fat bitch tried to suffocate me.” He dangled the cat in her face. She scooped the cat into her arms

“Mark.”

“What?”

“His name is Mark. Don’t know why, he just looks like a Mark.” She shrugged, bouncing the cat around as she explained the name. The cat purred in response to Lindsey’s pampering, giving Strahm a look as he did.

“Anyway, Mark tried to suffocate me in my sleep.” Strahm stared back at the thing bitterly. He was onto the cat’s ruse. The evil thing. Lindsey jerked the cat away from her friend, sensing the weird vibe between them.

“I’ll see if the vet has anything to say about his behavior today.” She took the cat with her and gently tossed her pet into the carrier. Strahm heard his screams of protest from down the hall and laughed to himself. Stupid thing. When the beast was contained, he decided he could go about his morning routine with ease. He started the coffee pot in the kitchen before stepping into the shower. He let the water run over his face for a moment and reached for his shampoo. Mark had only been in the house for a few hours, but he was already a menace to put it mildly. Strahm enjoyed having this moment to himself without worry that the cat would worm its way into the bathtub and start peeing on his feet. He got out and went back to the kitchen to grab his coffee, throwing the liquid into a nondescript mug that only a middle aged man could own. He heard the low grumbles of the thing in the carrier as he took a sip, only to lean in and antagonize the cat some more.

“Can’t get out of there, can you you stupid thing?” He hovered a finger over a slot in the top of the box. The cat threw its whole body against the door, but it didn’t budge. Once more and he made a dent. “How fucking fat are you?”

“Stop teasing him.” Lindsey leaned against the frame lead into the kitchen, “You wouldn’t like it if Rogers came into your office and called you a fat sack of shit.”

“Rogers doesn’t have the balls to call me that.” Strahm scoffed, “To my face anyway.”

“Yeah, well in any event, see you later.” She picked up the carrier and headed out of the apartment. Strahm finished his breakfast and walked out to his car to get to work. He’d be working late tonight, he could afford the drive in to the office. Hell he would even treat himself to another cup of coffee on the ride in. It’s the least he deserved for putting up with the hell cat the previous night. His workday was uneventful otherwise. Lindsey texted him a couple of times but he didn’t check his phone until he was out for the night.

“Doctor said he was fine, and gave me some food to help him lose weight!”

“I have a surprise!”

“Did you get rid of the stupid thing?” Strahm managed to type before hitting the backspace and just deciding that he would find out the surprise when he got home. The congestion from the nine to five office workers had let up and the ride to his apartment was smooth. He found a spot round the corner from the building and walked into his apartment. Inside he saw the fluff ball being tortured by Lindsey as she attempted to tease his fur up into a little bow on his head. The poor thing almost looked grateful as her attention was shifted onto something that wasn’t him for a second. He used the opportunity to make a sluggish run towards Peter’s bedroom and hide. “Son of a bitch.”

“Isn’t he adorable?” Lindsey looked up at him with big eyes.

“I say this because I love you Linds, that was the ugliest thing you could’ve put that stupid cat in.” Strahm told her point blank.

“You’re no fun.” She huffed and went looking for her cat

“How did the vet go, other than saying he was healthy?” Strahm went into the kitchen and rummaged through their fridge for leftovers.

“It was the weirdest thing, the doctor said we could get him neutered today and as they were trying to take him out of the room he attacked the techs. He wouldn’t even let me touch him until the doctor called the whole thing off.”

“Told you that thing was evil.”

“He’s not evil, Pete.” She rolled her eyes at him

“He radiates pure evil. I feel like I’m being watched by a creature too stupid to know whether or not it should dip its feet into the water bowl.”

“I think you’ve just had too much coffee today.”

“I’ll show you Lindsey.” He grumbled a little bit, not sure how he would prove to his roommate that a cat could understand the innate human instinct to be a bother to Peter Strahm.

[onepiece-polls]

Crackship decision poll

They have no canon interactions (as far as I know), but they've become quite popular (especially among KidLaw shippers), so....

It is not important if you ship them or not; this is about whether you think it's crack or not.

Art by Braindeadmaggot

[tswwwit]

Hey! You mentioned a while back that if the other dimension Dipper/Mabel/Ford might call the penthouse for advice in dealing with their Bill, and Familiar!Dipper might pick up the "call". I've been rereading the Bill v Bill series and can't get the scene out of my head. Any chance you'd be interested in writing it?

I'm certainly interested in writing it! I think there's a lot of opportunity for Shenanigans, and that's totally my jam.

The problem is: Actually Getting Around to writing it. But perhaps one day!

[sinningtamer]

i got excited seeing an ao3 comment notif because i updated a fic recently, but nope it's just someone being passive aggressive on an old vore fic of mine because they find it weird. how long are we gonna keep doing this???

[chemicalarospec]

obsessed with the absolute refusal to say "Doctor who?" in the "The Church on Ruby Road". "Doctor what" "what Doctor" "what's his name" like come on! Showrunners change but the disdain for the second half of the title does not.

[mispeltnostalgia]

i just posted a barbie and batman fic inspired by this interaction with @wakkoroni and many others. I am super proud of it and it is so crack filled so you should read it over on ao3. also big thanks to @quotidian-oblivion for betaing and motivation. couldn't have done it without you