#too invested in the dysfunctionality of this

[2birds1song]

a small/big angsty plot idea that popped in my head bc angst resides 24/7 in my head when it comes to t.bosas. i was thinking about the after events and what happens when l.ucy gray is found, captured and forced to stay in the capital. shes angry at c.oriolanus (for her logical reasons). hes angry at her (for his illogical ones). which makes for fun when nights, days goes by and shes up all night long with nightmares one night and then finds herself wandering into his room late at night. they hate each other but shes still opening his door with a whispered 'c.oriolanus' with uncertainty in her voice. she hates him but shes still making herself a spot at the foot of his bed to curl up on. inviting herself at this point lol and now i just wanna know what happens??? his reaction?? l.ucy gray just pushing her way in like an uninvited cat and shoving its owner out his own bed. what happens!!

[gffa]

Is it just me or do most anidala shippers have fanonized their relationship in a way? Like whenever it's discussed by those who ship them there always talking about aus or disregarding canon (ie the Clovis Arc). And it always rubs me the one way because it's almost like they don't actually ship the canon version of anidala, but rather a fanon version they came up with because they don't like the fact that there relationship ends badly and is just generally an unhealthy relationship (idk if there relationship being unhealthy was intentional or not but it certainly looks like it)

I'm gonna say something that's going to make me sound supremely boring and I'm sorry that it won't be more interesting. 😂 But if Anidala shippers want to take the stance of the ship being softer than I might write it: Good for them! I hope they're living their best life. I say this as someone who has been reading a crapload of DC fic where I lean towards a softer take on the characters than someone else might, where you might say the exact same thing (details changed) about my interest in the characters' relationships, that I don't go for the canon version, but instead go for a version that's not as unhealthy. And you know what? Good for me, too! I am living my best life! I'm not trying to dismiss what you're saying, it's frustrating to run into views of characters that clash with our own, especially when it feels like there's something really interesting about what we're seeing in the canon that seems to get dismissed by others. I personally do enjoy a more dysfunctionally leading Anidala because I like bite in my character dynamics! But after seven years of this fandom constantly hounding me for liking the Jedi in ways that other people would say aren't "canon", I have decided that anyone who just wants to enjoy their thing, whether in a more fucked up way or in a softer way than I like, I wish them all the fun in the world, have a blast, you guys! I'm gonna have a blast over here, too. As long as the Anidala shippers aren't being assholes to people who have different views but are staying in their own lanes (and, let's be fair, there's always some assholes in any subset of Star Wars fandom, but none of those subsets are a monolith), then I don't have to read their posts if I'm not into their content, just like people don't have to read my posts if they don't like my take on the Jedi, you know? Let's all walk away from interpretations we don't like, let's all leave room for others to be invested in things they want to be invested in, because what they like isn't any of my business if I'm not also into it. I mean, let's be clear, I'll crab to friends about things I find personally frustrating, in the whole CATER TO ME, FANDOM!!!! tongue in cheek kind of way, but genuinely if someone is just doing their thing in their own corner and leaving me alone, especially if they're coming from a place of "I love this dynamic!" instead of "here's why the Jedi suck and let me throw in some shade at real life religions along the way", then I'm fine with that. And it's made me a lot happier on a personal level to just let some of that stuff go, you know?

[flowers-of-io]

@eri-223​ you brought it upon yourself, now I won’t shut up c:

OKAY SO

I can’t really draw neat straight lines between the two, but there’s so much aesthetic similarity to me, particularly with Toland and the Hive-Ascendancy thing. Maybe it’s just me dying for the vibes (or loving POTO in general since I was 9), but it struck me today how Eris/Toland--when it’s made a Working ship--is basically everything Christine/Erik is not. There is so much to be said about Christine/Erik alone, but to me it’s an epitome of why gothic-novel-esque dynamics don’t really work in the long run when they don’t move past being just Gothic and Tragic. And hear me out. A goodhearted, elfin woman at her vulnerable point (grief over father) meets a honey-voiced stranger and has this secret thing with him, this music they share in the dead of night, and it’s intoxicating because music *is* her passion (and something she has deep emotions over in itself, the thing that is most hers in the world) and it’s secret, and a whole other world to what she’s facing in the daytime. The mystery is intriguing, and that’s intoxicating too. And there’s an uncomfortable power imbalance but it doesn’t bother you just yet, because there isn’t really any attraction between the two--not in the romantic-as-in-love sense at least, rather this romantic-as-in-romanticism pull all dark beautiful secret things have.

And here we can shout a fucking thank you at Erik for completely ruining that beauty by being an absolute creep. But Chrissie doesn’t know that yet. And so he leads her deep down into the dark, into his world of darkness and secrecy and yet twisted beauty, and she is living the mystery now, she’s in this nighttime world they would share in secret. And she’s close enough to take a peek behind the mask, something she was so violently curious about and attracted to, a glance into the dark abyss of his soul that is so intriguing. And so she does peek, and what she finds is terrifying rot.

And this, THIS is the best moment of the entire thing to me. This story could be well off without Raoul (whom I deeply love and cherish but he ruins the gothic) because he adds this romantic tension of a love triangle (which I absolutely loathe because ugh. love triangles.) to what could have been a tale of a girl torn between the world of day and night rather than two men who each love her in a different way. There’s so much of Persephone-sque struggle in Christine’s soul that has been shunned by the story imo, and would have made the whole thing better in the long run (and maybe less grossly-abusive on Erik’s part).

So let’s circle back to Toland, another pale, bony, possibly disfigured brunet in a dark coat with a living room full of skulls and candles (the vibes, huh. he probably owned a boat and a horse too). If we take Eris/Toland as starting off before the Hellmouth (I’m really starting to tentatively test my ground on this hhhng), it feels like the same story slightly to the left. Granted, Eris has more agency, but there’s still a huge power imbalance in her and Eriana coming to Toland--an exiled genius|madman with an evil black crow (Guren) perching on his shoulder--and asking him for help, laying their and their team’s lives at his feet - him, who could probably kill them in seventeen different yet equally fancy ways were he more invested! And there is so much darkness here already because how dark it must have been in Eris’ soul to agree on this revenge fantasy, what an abyss Eriana’s eyes must have been hiding; how desperate they must have been to come to him, to even consider this, to choose a possibility of painful, screaming agony in the Hellmouth over the ache they were feeling now. And so there’s vulnerability, too, in a way - because they’re desperate, because they’re hurting, because everything has been taken from them and they have nothing else to do but this ridiculous, mad plan. And oh he can abuse this void, he can make them do whatever he wants and they’d do it gladly, and I have a feeling both Eris and Eriana are aware of that.

And so they work, in secret, cracking secrets of the Hive, tasting the rot of the forbidden fruit, hiding from the daylight with their dark, heretic, nighttime folly. I think there is a threshold at wherever it is they are meeting--be it a room or a house, Eriana’s kitchen or Toland’s disturbing “lab”--in the doorway, between the bright but empty world of patrols and strikes and dead friends and this horrid, twisted, yet fascinating realm of promised vengeance. And I think Eris learns, hungry for secrets, hungry perhaps for Toland’s eyes on her because all dark beautiful secret things have a pull, and she can’t tell if she’s more drunk on the adventure, or the heresy they’re so blatantly committing, or him. And maybe he reciprocates in his own twisted way, maybe they talk or kiss over the parchment pages, and she cannot tell--she cannot tell if his eyes are truly for her or the Hive, the mystery, the thing they’re doing. I’m thinking of what you wrote, how “he wanted Ascendance as badly as she wanted him”. But despite that--or maybe because of it--she allows herself to be led deep down into the dark, into his world of darkness and secrecy and yet twisted beauty, and she is living the mystery now, she’s in this nighttime world they would share in secret. Is it the Hellmouth? Maybe, though I think it’s a process that spans between their secret studies of the Hive and the midst of their descent, when Vell is dead and maybe they’re all doomed, and Toland’s eyes twinkle in the dark and it’s such beautiful madness she cannot help staring. And the checkpoint has come, time to show cards--and she’s close enough to take a peek behind the mask, something she was so violently curious about and attracted to, a glance into the dark abyss of his soul that was so intriguing. And so she does peek, and what she finds is terrifying rot.

I think this is Ir Yut, or maybe a little bit earlier, but nevertheless the bubble bursts and Eris is left in the dark alone and betrayed. That’s of little concern, of course, when the Hive is hunting you down and all you hear is your friends’ dying screams, but it still hurts, it’s still bitter, it’s still so, so wrong. I like to think he comes to teach her then, maybe give her the journals, and it’s a whirlwind of madness and horror and fury and gore, but he’s whatever comfort she can hope for at this point. It’s twisted, it’s awful, it’s dark-gothic rotten, it’s as wrong and horrid as Erik/Christine is as a whole.

But then they’re given the chance Erik/Christine never got. They’re allowed to outgrow the rot. There’s so much dysfunctionality and disturb going on in most gothic-esque “love” stories because it’s not love, it’s attraction taken for a spin and often grossly abused. Love is growth. I like to think of what must have been going on in Eris’ head (and Toland’s too, perhaps, though I doubt he had one at that point) when they were exchanging the letters, the dearest Eris right next to did you watch me carve out each eye; now that she’s wiser, and scarred, and not so stupid anymore--but there’s still that dark pull she can’t help, now even scarier than before that she knows him for what he really is, now that she’s seen the rot. There’s so much hurt to be outgrown, so much betrayal, but she finds he’s yet again whatever comfort she can hope for (that entry *is* called A Light In The Darkness, huh). I could wax poetic about this whole process but I think you captured it so well in STM I don’t have much else to add.

I wanted to throw quotes into it but couldn’t quite fit them into this, uh, essay (which I didn’t absolutely re-read), and I guess Music of the Night would apply here but it’s ripe with uncomfortable sexual tension?? And aside from that (which is in its entirety a trip) just consider these ah

this whole moment

also this

He'll always be there singing songs in my head  Is this Eris in the letters phase? maybe. I performed a vibe check and it showed positive

Wandering Child for how unhealthy-twisted and beautiful it is (ignore Raoul, I have no metaphor for him in this au)

For either way you choose, you cannot win  It’s just a good quote y’all

Farewell my fallen idol and false friend / We had such hopes, and now those hopes are shattered 

Angel of Music, you deceived me / I gave you my mind blindly  (HOW SHE WHISPERS THAT LAST PART IN THE MOVIE OK)

Stranger than you dreamt it  now you’re stranded in the Hellmouth good job

What warm, unspoken secrets will we learn / Beyond the point of no return

The bridge is crossed, so stand and watch it burn

Down that path into darkness deep as hell  but Toland smiles while he sings this

And of course the classic,  And in this labyrinth where night is blind / The Phantom of the Opera is here inside my mind

Wow! I didn’t even get to the Dreaming City! It’s way more vague than the whole Eris/Toland thing because of course ships take up 80% of my brainspace but idk I just find it so incredibly fitting when it comes to paralleling Savathun/Dul Incaru terrorising the Dreaming City with what Erik does to the opera. Like, everybody knows he’s There but no one can do anything about it, he sends vague threats and kills people but nobody can catch him, and the place is just a giant playground for him to have fun and achieve his personal goals in. And whatever the hell is going on in Masquerade, like

Masquerade! Seething shadows breathing lies Masquerade! You can fool any friend who ever knew you Masquerade! Leering satyrs, peering eyes Masquerade! Run and hide, but a face will still pursue you

wow that sure is subtle. Seething shadows breathing lies, huh. Run and hide, but a face will still pursue you :) And then he crashes the party in a fucking Red Death costume. If this doesn’t have huge Dul Incaru/Siren of Riven energy I don’t know what has.

And of course the shitshow only starts when we kill Riven but the seeds have been planted long, long ago. If you listen closely, you can hear Petra screaming in confusion somewhere under box five.

I know most of this second part is a stretch, BUT! this is my au. And for the record, I know there are very mixed feeling about the 2004 POTO movie but to me personally it was a formative experience, first watched on a very crappy TV in music class at the age of 9 and not even in its entirety, but I was already captivated and shaken to the core, and there’s still, after all those years, something that screams at my soul when I hear the first notes.

And, as a treat for those who suffered with me until the end of this essay,

[nightswithkookmin]

How do you think JK and JM have grown and changed this year? I was worried about the more professional Jikook recently, but the way they are now seems healthier- like there is balance and more peace in their bond. They are compromising and addressing each other’s needs (JM demonstrating his love for JK and flirting less; JK holding back for the sake of the group and JM's sanity). They seem happy. Plus, it’s nice to see the group members helping them be professional- especially Tae.

Absolutely! They are making compromises...

I was meant to work on a 'Jikook in 2020 Review' blog post at the end of the year but I got my nails done and I couldn't type shit with it. Lol. Should have stuck with my usual average length basic bitch nails but no, I had to go and be a baddie- edgy people. Sigh.

It's something I do in my Journal at the end of every year since 2014 where I summarize everything that's gone down with Jikook and my other ships in that year to help me keep track of their love journey and especially the timelines- yea, I take my delulu business seriously. I'm not ashamed. Lol.

I think the most outstanding and conspicuous growth development in Jikook's dynamics, to me, is their individual functioning and positive adaptive response to the changes that happened in and around their relationship in 2020- from Covid 19 to the monitored VLives and the whole professional outlook, cough cough.

While not surprising to me, because they had been on that trajectory since the later half of 2019 and had exhibited early signs of being capable of adjusting well, almost adjusting well lol, to any internal changes that could occur in their relationship dynamics, I sort of worried about them being thrown in at the deep end in the face of the abrupt and disruptive changes 2020 presented because of Covid 19.

Jikook since 2015 to me, have always exhibited codependent tendencies as well as a certain level of dysfunctionality in their dynamics with one or both of them enabling certain toxicities in the other.

I think that is the major thing that changed in 2020 in my opinion and I don't know if their personal growth journey contributed to it or the virus did, or that it's just we didn't get to see them interact in the usual settings that brings out all the lunacy in them. Lol.

Jimin for example had a habit of enabling JK's possessiveness and childish grunts and would reassure him whenever JK threw tantrums over anyone smiling funny at him. I mean reassuring your partner of your love and interest in him is good and ideal but not when your partner lowkey is unreasonable in his demands sometimes, chilee JK- what goes on. Lol.

Especially not when that same partner has no qualms doing shit like this:

But with JM I feel it goes deeper than that. I think I have mentioned in passing a few times now how I feel/felt JM was the noncommittal one in their dynamic and part of the reason I had that view was because Jimin to me had always conveyed an impression of JK that he is/was a bit childish and immature and that I think had always hindered him from fully investing in their dynamic in a way that makes JK secure.

But that too has changed especially towards the end of 2020.

I mean JM is very wise beyond his age, mature beyond his age as everyone around him keep saying. Contrastingly, they say the very opposite of Kook and they treat him as such, which is gotta be worrying for JM, I feel.

I've always been fascinated by JM's choice of words and descriptors for people- well not just JM's, all the members' quite frankly. Lol. He sees, for instance, Tae as innocent and naive, Joonie as thoughtful and JK as not good at expressing himself and his emotions.

These words are not just his assessment of their personalities, they are also testament to how he treats them or is likely to treat them- We treat people the way we see and perceive them.

If he sees JK as incapable of expressing his true intentions, he stands the risk of projecting his own intentions onto him and this is very dangerous. He could be reading more into situations, misunderstanding and misconstruing JK's intentions.

For example, he may he interpreting JK feeling uncomfortable with him being around others as a sign JK wants him for himself and as such use that to reassure himself whenever he is feeling vulnerable and insecure in their dynamic but in reality JK could just be expressing discomfort with watching two men interact intimately- JM would never know unless JK explicitly conveyed to him that seeing him with others worry him because he wants Jimin too. Know what I mean?

Similarly, if he perceives JK as immature and childish, no matter how accurate that may be, he risks developing an inclination to be dismissive of JK's needs- especially if JK really sucks at articulating his needs or asserting himself in their dynamics.

Seeing JM interact with others in a certain way may genuinely be his limits, but how is he gonna communicate that to Jimin beyound grunts and pouts if he sucks at expressing himself and if JM dismisses these grunts and tantrums he throws as childishness?

That's what I mean when I say there is a certain degree of dysfunctionality to Jikook's dynamics. But that too have changed or is changing- can't be sure till I see how they progress and interact in the future.

As I kept saying, Jikook had been asserting themselves against eachother in 2020 and JK was the embodiment of that.

But JK...

He has always given me the impression he's willing to do whatever it takes to prove himself as not only worthy of JM's love but also solidify himself as JM's equal in their dynamics, having been subjected to years of baby syndrome being the youngest within the group and having everyone treat him as such.

And so I have mixed feelings about this seemly 'progress' in him...

Not sure if he is doing it for himself or for his relationship and God I hope it is for himself because as much as I enjoy the crazy aspect of their relationship, I hate it too.

I mean it's entertaining to watch sometimes but Jimlous and Jeonlous do make me sick in my stomachs- yea, I have four at this point. Fucking Christmas chicken. Lol.

Not to say JM isn't as invested in or committed to JK as JK is to him. Just saying there's always been something holding him back in their dynamics for whatever reason, in my opinion, and Jk it seems have always had the impression he can 'win' if he tries. So he is constantly pushing the boundaries and testing the limits- and that I feel is his yoke.

I used to look at him and felt sorry for him because he was young and he was being pushed to grow so fast but I also understand Jimin because he is much older than his boyfriend and he wouldn't want to be unequally yoked to him, as the saying goes- especially if he equally has to relinquish control to him and have him lead him as his lover and partner.

I feel a lot of Jokers get confused about who is dom and all that jazz, partly because JM is not ceding to JK the way JK relinquishes control to JM in their dynamics and is holding back a lot- that's what I mean when I say he is not fully into their relationship.

Jimin holds a lot of power in their dynamics and a lot of people see that and describe him as top, dom, power bottom and whole other sobriquets but I don't think any of those descriptors is apt.

Because as much as he holds a lot of power in their dynamics, he is in the same breath powerless and at the mercy of JK as JK is to him. The one with the power to me is the one that can walk away and It's neither JK nor Jimin.

As assertive as JK has been all year, he will cave if it meant JM was to walk away. And as demanding as JM has been of JK's maturity, he will settle if it meant JK was to walk away.

Jimin to me is a paradox. He pushes JK to be 'mature' and be on the same page as him yet he equally enables the bad behavior in JK too- well he used to. He's changed since late 2019 and hasn't been tolerant of JK's possessive behavior- which I think I've talked about a lot on here.

It certainly doesn't help that JM has this view of 'JK is just bad at expressing his emotions.' With that kind of mentality, he is more likely to let JK get away with a lot of things without pushing him to be better and that in itself is a form of enabling.

As the youngest within the group, he already stand the risk of being enabled within the group dynamics as his bad behavior is always going to be excused and dismissed as stemming from his age.

You often hear RM and the members talk about how he is the youngest, he is going through a teenage rebellious phase, let's give him a pass because he is the youngest, he doesn't speak much so we value the least he says, he doesn't return his texts, doesn't wish anyone a happy birthday on their birthday's but we will for him anyway, chilee. There is too much enabling going on in there.

As harmless as these rhetorics may be, they impact his attraction quotient and may make him less appealing to anyone within the group who may find him attractive in a sexual way psychologically speaking and sometimes I see that impacting Jimin. People want to date up not down.

Take when Hobi talked about JK peeping tom for example, Jimin didn't seem at all happy about it. I don't think he was jealous in that moment necessarily, more like he was disappointed and hurt.

JK has been doomed from the start as the baby of the group- I mean I've seen the men JM finds attractive... I don't think a 'baby' is what he wants.

Jk have always been on a mission to shed these descriptors off of him and assert himself within the group, for himself and for his relationship- as he should.

But 2020 has been the height of his self assertive journey and progress in my opinion. In Break the silence, the members talked about how JK has become more self aware particularly this year, and JK himself has spoken about and acknowledged his immaturity in the past and how he is working to improve himself on that.

He has grown a lot this year.

You may not see the impact of this because it's an intangible change but you look at how he interacts with the others, the boundaries he's putting in place etc

JM post October have been treating JK with a certain level of respect and dignity, almost as if he is seeing JK as a new man- his equal. This will make sense in the future, don't worry.

During the Christmas holiday performance, it seemed the directors had whispered something in JM's ear to give them a moment- listen, BigHit ain't slick ok? Whenever you see them isolate Jikook from the group bet your sweet behind they are looking for a moment from Jikook and are going over BTS's head, chilee. They ain't slick.

They did the same thing in the dynamite MV when they put Jikook away from the group and had them turn it on- I mean RM wasn't too happy about it it seemed and when he asked Jimin about it, Jimin said the director had asked him to.

I bet you two fake dollars, they intentionally put Jikook away from the group in that performance and honestly I don't think they gave JK a heads up about it either. You could see Jimin literally scanning JK's body to prepare himself and put himself in the mood which had JK looking at him all confused like what is this man doing. Lmho.

Then he playfully taps JK's chest like it's the firt time he is paired with his man and JK looks at him like uhmmmm. Jimin then goes to wrap his hands around JK's shoulder and JK exec crashed. lol.

I don't think JK expected that from Jimin and his gay panic was real- personally, I think he popped a boner down there and when Jimin tilted the camera angle down to that region dude made a 360 turning his back to the camera. Lol.

He was literally hiding it behind Jin and when you look at NamJin's cam that's when you see what I mean.

Chilee, JK how are you gone hide a boner a man gave you behind another mind- make it make sense. Lmho. Are they both not men? You are 24, if Jimin still has this effect on you I'm sorry there's no hope for you. The gay is deep my guy, bid your family farewell and move to Itaewon. Lol.

All jokes and delulu aside, there was a certain level of respect even in the way that Jimin carried out their fanservice in that moment.

Maybe we are finally going to see Park Jimin relinquish that power he's been holding back from Kook as the hyung and mature one and allow JK lead him, make decisions for him and trust that he would make the right ones.

I don't think, going forward JM would be 'dismissing' JK's discomfort with him doing certain things as JK being 'childish' anymore, lol. I'm talking about the 'babe it's nothing' laughing his butt off when JK is pissed at him for doing certain things etc.

It's also interesting to note that 2020, in my opinion, recorded the most 'breakup songs' shared and recommended by JK on his spotify playlist- I wonder why. Smirk.

By break up songs i mean most if not all the songs he shared last year had a theme of separation, breakup, etc, with one particular song standing out to me: Mean it by Lauv.

This song and the others are pretty much consistent with his own song lyrics of 2020, Still with you and Stay which I believe are a two voiced piece of the same art work or subject matter, a response poem if you will: one being a confession of JK's feelings and intentions while the other, Stay, is the reconciliation, a request and plea to his love interest and declaration of his needs or what he wants from Jimin.

Stay answers Still with you. In my opinion.

And on the subject of Still with you, am I the only one who thinks 'With You' is one of Jimin's handles and JK using that in a song is no coincidence?

I mean Tae literally gave Jimin that name in Run 106- Listen, I don't trust JK and if he appropriates it again ISTG!

He's come a long way from, 'I'm not gonna say any cliche as that have courage' in Magic Shop to practically groveling. Lol. Love will do that to you.

What stands out about Mean it, is that whole 'don't play with my feelings if you don't want me' theme. I think this is something I kept saying was a vibe I was getting from JK throughout 2020 when I said I talked about their breakup and said I felt he was since that incident putting his foot down, demanding his needs and putting his happiness right back up there with Jimin's.

I smiled when I heard him talk about him thinking a lot about what happiness means to him throughout 2020 and pursuing that.

As for the professionalism, let's see if they are going to maintain it throughout this year because it is not coming from them but from the environment they are in.

I think what they have to do is know when they are going to be themselves and when they have to be professional- Jikook y'all are queer, reading the room should be an acquired skill dumbass! Someone send them the memo. Lmho.

One other thing that has changed about Jikook would be how they are gradually disconnecting from their fanbase especially JK.

Now this may be due to a lot of reasons: BigHit limiting their access to their fanbase, BTS having a problem with Jikook's brand clashing with theirs and demanding they 'act professionally,' Jikook no longer having a need of the support of their fanbase and a plethora of reasons I cannot get into sake of time and space.

One thing that I am gauging this year is how Jikook will be interacting with their fanbase and how much of their relationship they will willingly share with us.

They need our support as much as we need them and if our support matters to them in advancing their relationship out of the closet then they will find a way to reconnect with us- always.

I mean, he said stay- I'm staying. Lol.

I guess what I'm saying is, for now, the change in Jikook is intangible and individualized but serves as a foundation to whatever direction they decide to move in next.

I am curious to know how these individuals growth and development is going to play out in their dynamics as a unit.

I want to see what they do on May 13th this year, who posts the first Jikook selca of 2021. JK didn't post for the members's birthday again and so I'm curious to see how JM's birthday is gonna go.

The members had surprise parties except Jimin- I'm still salty about that, they filmed Vlives on their birthdays- again except Jimin who had to belate that shit.

I'm taking notes of how they are gonna use the VApp this year especially JK. He still wasn't allowed to solo VLive on the app- I'm taking notes. Lol. Bone collector LLC. Lmho.

2020 was that year, the year Jikook went to couples counseling figuratively- in my books me. Lol.

They went from spending time apart, pursuing other hobbies, JK took to reading, Jimin took to spending quality time with friends and family and realized what is gold to him.

They each have come to terms with their shortcomings- something some of us recieved a lot of backlash over for talking openly about. Chilee.

Jimin have acknowledged he over expresses himself and needs to "love less' and JK have acknowledged his immaturity and is taking steps to work on it.

They both have taken a step from social media, which honestly I don't think is a bad thing especially if SM impacts their overall well being negatively.

I actually won't be surprised if they've been seeing a psychologist but anywho-

I hope this answers your question? Lol. I don't know. This post is more for me than y'all, I feel. So sorry about that.

Happy New Year to 'Y'all who love me.' I love y'all too so much. Bless y'all.

Let's keep supporting Jikook. Jikook is real.

Signed,

GOLDY

[supertoyslastallsummerlong]

Ramblings time!

Today it’s about positive things Connor can say about Hank in his conversations with Amanda.

The first one is one of my favorites as a shipper, but not only. It’s “Intriguing” answer to question what Connor does think about his future work partner in Waiting for Hank.

I think he's irritable, and socially challenged. But I also think he used to be a good detective... He's an intriguing character. 

 It’s the only positive option Connor can choose at this point. And putting aside Connor’s obvious competence kink yes, all other options are true - Hank at the moment of their first meeting is unpleasant and unprofessional,  addicted, dysfunctional. But still, investigating prototype can find him interesting. Maybe because he hasn’t find the key to this contradiction, the answer to the question what made the heroic Leutenant into broken man. I still wonder why this piece of information needed to be hidden, and I have couple crack theories to why.XD One of them is that Cyberlife concealed this from Connor, because deemed it irrelevant to investigation. They send Connor to investigate, not to build good relationship with Hank Anderson.

(Also, Amanda presents work with Hank as something they ‘have’ to do, unfortunate but unavoidable condition. Maybe it’s true, but again, why give deviant cases to Hank, man who really wouldn’t want this? I’ve read a theory that Hank was chosen because he has no family left and therefore Cyberlife would not have to answer to them in case Hank died. Or maybe DPD chose Hank because he had too many discipline trespassings, and couldn’t refuse and not be fired, because others wouldn’t want to work with an android investigator - first of many who may soon replace human detectives. )

The second example comes after Nest. The thing here is, if Connor chooses to save Hank, he’s letting Rupert slip away, But his answer about this event is calm, and yet displays the growing level of understanding between them. 

He seemed grateful that I saved his life on the roof. He didn't say anything, but he expressed it in his own way...

Okay, that attention to detail is even sweet, but really, how else detective prototype expected human to react after his life was saved?XD And yet, it can mark Hank’s gratitude as something important for Connor. As well as him getting used to Connor in general, it seems.

I've come to understand him better, and he's growing accustomed to my presence.

The ‘positive’ option sounds restrained, but at the same time it’s so reassuringly confident. Connor clearly considers understanding Hank satisfactory.

The next instance is the one I find invitingly not simple. It is an option after Eden Club and night in park where Hank pulls a gun on Connor. Enough turmoil to throw off even non-deviant. This is the variation where Hank didn’t shoot.

My relationship with Lieutenant Anderson is problematic. He continues to struggle with psychological issues... I suspect it clouds his judgement regarding deviants.

What I like about this? First, that if Connor chooses it instead of Eden club investigation, he puts more emphasis on his partner than on his mission. And secondly, while it is Connor trying to tell Amanda that Hank is not suited for the job and better be removed on the basis of his mental state, she catches something else underneath and tells Connor off. Nothing matters more than your investigation. What's happening is too important. Don't let Anderson or anyone else get in your way.  Connor is visibly bothered by Hank’s state - and maybe, not only because investigation is at risk, but because Hank is in danger.

And finally, the piece from Last chance. It is not directly a positive statement about Hank, but bear with me. Amanda asks Connor about doubts and conflicts only if he killed Tracis and/or Chloe - both instances include not only serious decreasing of program instability, but has big negative impact on his relationship with Hank. And both concern empathy - or lack thereof. And if Connor admits to having thoughts that are outside of his program, Amanda is visibly taken aback.

Why is this answer displeases Amanda? Shouldn’t it be easier to control android who willingly, albeit with difficulty, admits that he might be deviating? Maybe because Connor is not supposed to let any doubts slip in, even if they are true. Thought crime as it is.

What does Hank has to do with this? First, his name was voiced with emphasis by Amanda.  Do you feel anything for these deviants... Or for Lieutenant Anderson? Deviants and Hank are on the same level of forbidden, why? No, i’m not writing it in shippy sense.  In fact. maybe it is easy - the answer is empathy. When Connor is moved by other androids and their stories of abuse and injustice, he steps closer to deviation - and the same if he is invested in getting closer to Hank, to understand him better with all dysfunctionalities. When Connor wants Hank to stay alive and get better, an android who’s supposed to not give a damn and pursue investigation.

[bigskydreaming]

Okay but so technically, Jason beginning his rise to power as the crime boss the Red Hood happened in the comics AT THE EXACT SAME TIME....as Dick was working undercover as an enforcer for the mob.

Dick literally even ‘auditioned’ for Black Mask????

So what if....dun dun dun....their paths crossed here? Before Jason even did most of the stuff that made him most infamous as the Red Hood and strained his homecoming with his family to the point of near impossibility? And Jason’s like....umm wtf??? But he’s pretty sure Dick’s just undercover and faking all this, but like....he’s a way better actor than Jason ever gave him credit for. (Because of course Dick is justifiably emo as hell at the time).

So he’s about ready to call off his little investigation and get back to his own plans, he’s let Dick distract him long enough....when things ramp up. And suddenly, Dick’s working for fucking Deathstroke and calling himself Renegade, and again, Jason would just like to know....umm wtf??? And Dick’s infiltrating the Secret Society of Supervillains or whatever they call themselves, WHICH Talia is a member of, and so in this AU, Talia’s like wait what is Nightwing up to here, AND because she’s Talia and is funding Jason/keeping tabs on him, she’s aware he’s been looking into what Dick’s doing...and so SHE cashes in some chips with Jason and says he owes her, and thus pulls him into the Society to act as her own enforcer, which puts him and Renegade in frequent contact and even running missions together, and Dick still has no idea that the Red Hood is Jason, because nobody but Talia knows at this point. 

And like....Jason finds himself bonding with this version of his brother more than he expected and he DOES NOT LIKE IT because it just feels WRONG, having certain things in common with him while they’re both working for freaking supervillains, and its like looking in a mirror and not at all liking what you see, and eventually of course Dick clues in because he’s depressed, he’s not all of a sudden a dumbass, and because family is the magic word with Dick all of a sudden its like “Must....claw....self...out...of...pit of despair...and drag little brother kicking and screaming along with me ugh he’s such a drama queen why” (lol Dick you lovable hypocrite. I mean, dont get me wrong, both Dick and Jason have EARNED their drama queen status, they worked HARD for that crown, but doesn’t mean they both don’t wear it with gusto).

And so it becomes a who’s saving who here, really, kinda thing, only they’re both kinda saving each other because that’s really the only way it works, and its the way it SHOULD work with that family anyway. And it definitely clears a path for Jason to be reunified with the family on MUCH better terms and like, actually a part of it, but don’t get me wrong, Jason’s still Jason and he still believes what he believes. He and Bruce still are gonna have to clash like that in a big way, but Jason’s less invested in like, proving it AT his family’s expense here, and he’s got more support from the sibs here due to not like....trying to kill half of them at some point, so I picture him ending up in like a Red Hood and the Outlaws kinda team ultimately, but where he’s on good terms with most of his family except for tense but okay-ish terms with Bruce, and he’ll kill when he has to but doesn’t go LOOKING for opportunities to do it just to make a point, and Bruce is super not happy about that but in this AU we stan a democratic Batfamily not a dictatorship so the rest of the fam is like boo hoo, you big baby, get over it, you’re outvoted and we’re not letting you kick our brother out of the family, who even does that.

And they all live dysfunctionally ever after. I mean its comics, so they die a lot too, but they always come back, bc plot armor is fucking amazing like that. Highly recommend.

[chronickidneydiseasesolutio-blog]

The Chronic Kidney Disease Solution Review:

Kidney is an essential organ of the human body that plays a pivotal role in maintaining and regulating the internal system of the human body. Kidney diseases are much common too but unfortunately they do not get the amount of attention they rightfully deserve to have.But some time we need Function Restoration Program information about kidney disease as well then we do our best to reach those persons who already recover from it.

The Chronic Kidney Disease Solution review by Shelly Manning talks about the complete program that aims to boost kidney health and well-being. The main aim of this program is to promote kidney health by healing any potential kidney problems, threats or diseases. The basic idea is to highlight any factor that might be causing the kidney health to deteriorate and regular the healthy functionality of the kidneys as well.

There is a general speculation for whether the Chronic kidney disease have some worth or not. The truth is that this program makes huge claims to ensure that the kidney stays in good form and shape. The question that we will be addressing in this review however is how true these claims are? Is The Chronic Kidney Disease Solution scam or real? Is it effective? Does it work? What benefits does it have to offer to its prospective users? With enough evidence, all this will be answered in this review below.

Kidney diseases call for your attention:

There are many things in this world that get our attention while many things tend to get ignored by us. Kidney health and well-being is very important but the truth is that is surely does not get as much attention from us as it truly deserves to get. It is a serious condition that can be life threatening and sometimes fatal as well. When we hear about any kind of kidney disease, the first thing that pops into our mind is that we will now have to spend thousands of dollars in treating the problem. The truth is that kidney disease treatments are definitely overrated and they do not have to be treated as a taboo as they are. Kidney disease solutions definitely call for your attention and the natural 100% effective cure called The Chronic Kidney Disease Solution by Shelly Manning is definitely the perfect natural remedy with minimal risks and threats that you are looking for. It can surely help you as it has many helped many people already. Find out all about it in this review further.

Brief The Chronic Kidney disease solution review by Shelly Manning:

The Chronic Kidney Disease Solution program offers complete step by step assistance to the potential users to improve their lifestyle and also targets the kidney dysfunctionality to improve its health. It includes the most natural solutions for a healthier style of living. The basic aim of this solution program is to motivate users to follow easy and simple steps towards a healthier style of living. The main goal is to motivate people to promote a healthy kidney condition and well-being by working on improving its functionality. This comprehensive solution for kidney diseases is designed by Shelly Manning and comes with a lifelong warranty with full money refund.

About The Chronic Kidney Disease Solution Book:

The Chronic Kidney Disease Solution program is a comprehensive plan of treatment that is designed for users who are looking to improve and heal kidney problems. It involves the most natural remedies and incorporates the uses of natural remedies with traditional and modern treatments to offer effective solutions to the patients. The main aim of this program is to promote kidney health by healing any potential kidney problems, threats or diseases.

The truth is that this program makes huge claims to ensure that the kidney stays in good form and shape. The Chronic Kidney Disease Solution is a complete treatment program with being as effective as one could imagine it to be. It comes with its fair share of positives and negatives and surely the effectiveness of The Chronic Kidney Disease Solution program varies greatly as well. If you are looking for an instant treatment or pain relief from any type of kidney problem – this solution is the answer to your problems.

Is kidney disease solution program worth it?

Whenever you have to try something new; there is always a general speculation about whether it is the right thing to do or not. The truth is that The Chronic Kidney Disease Solution program is surely worth the time and financial investment. It is an effective treatment that surely will bring in several health benefits that improve your overall well-being and life on a whole. Here are a few ways in which this solution program benefits the modern day users.

It offers a detailed step by step guidance plan of treatment to the potential users.

The main aims of the healing program are explained in order to motivate the users to keep strong and committed throughout their journey.

The plan includes very easy to prepare and least time consuming recipes that are surely healthy for the patients.

You get a complete insight into the nutritional content and calorie count of each meal.

The plan includes clear instructions from experts to follow a healthier style of living.

On the subscription of this plan, you get a complete free of cost assistance plan for up to 2 months.

What benefits does The Chronic kidney disease solution By Shelly Manning offer?

The effectiveness of The Chronic Kidney Disease Solution is not a matter of debate. It has been proven with aid of evidence and has been promised by experts that the kidney solution program works miraculously for the betterment of kidney health and well-being. However, with that being said it is also important to mention at this point that the benefits that The Chronic Kidney Disease Solution offers to its users are much greater than only working for the betterment of the kidney health. The following are a few basic benefits that The Chronic Kidney Disease Solution brings to its users in addition to regulating and boosting the overall kidney health.

It works on the physical strength and energy level. It helps to increase the endurance levels of the body.

This solution offers to work on the overall appetite of the individual and improves the eating habits on general basis.

This solution program has a very positive impact on the stress and depression levels of the human body. Stats reveal that people undergo this treatment actually experience an increase in the cortisol hormone production that elevates the positivity inside the body.

It helps to improve the sleeping habits and patterns. You maintain a healthy sleep cycle and experience better sleep at night as well.

Kidneys are actively involved in flushing out all toxins from the human body and the best way you can see how pure or impure the body is by the skin. This kidney disease solution will be helpful for the skin to stay happy and healthy. It will be helpful to improve the texture of the skin as well.

Suitability Of Shelly Manning Chronic Kidney Disease Solution:

Owing to the popularity of the complete and comprehensive kidney disease solution; there is a general curiosity among the users for who can use this program. The suitability of this solution is highly subjective to the type of disease people are suffering from. It surely aims to improve the kidney’s health and well-being but is only effective for the cost-effective treatment of certain kidney problems. Here is a look at the potential kidney problems that are treatable with help of this complete disease solution.This is the better ways to use Kidney Function Restoration Program for diet plan specially for kidney patients.

Individuals suffering from chronic kidney disease or pain can use it.

People dealing with renal insufficiency or inadequacy can surely trust this solution to be 100% effective.

Individuals facing the challenge of renal or kidney failure and glomerulonephritis can surely put their trust in this kidney disease solution.

People who are dealing with kidney disease ranging from level 1 to 4 of adversity can surely trust this solution.

Final Word On The Chronic Kidney Disease Solution:

Let’s put it this way. The Chronic Kidney Disease Solution is a complete treatment program with being as effective as one could imagine it to be. However, just like any other treatment plan – its results or outcomes are not as immediate as one would expect them to be. It comes with its fair share of positives and negatives and surely the effectiveness of The Chronic Kidney Disease Solution program varies greatly as well. If you are looking for an instant treatment or pain relief from any type of kidney problem – this solution is the answer to your problems.

If you decide on using this solution for a kidney disease treatment; you need to give it time. Be patient with the results because you will surely get them as effectiveness of this treatment is guaranteed.

You might need to make a few lifestyle changes and be more regular in few activities but that is all part of the commitment you should be willing to make. In our point of view, there is nothing that you are losing with The Chronic Kidney Disease Solution program. It is effective for sure as it comes with a full money refund policy. The good part about using this form of treatment is of course that you do not have to worry about side effects, pricey pills and the risks involved are minimal too.Some time we need to look pros and cons of the products so we know better about them.

[gamergate-news]

The World Health Organization will include "gaming disorder" in a list of mental health conditions in the 11th International Classification of Diseases.

In the beta draft of its forthcoming 11th International Classification of Diseases, the World Health Organization includes "gaming disorder" in its list of mental health conditions. The WHO defines the disorder as a "persistent or recurrent" behavior pattern of "sufficient severity to result in significant impairment in personal, family, social, educational, occupational or other important areas of functioning."

The disorder is characterized by "impaired control" with increasing priority given to gaming and "escalation," despite "negative consequences."

Video game playing, either online or offline, must be "normally evident over a period of at least 12 months" for this diagnosis to be made, according to the beta draft guidance. However, if symptoms are severe and all requirements are met, health care professionals may include people who have been playing for shorter periods of time, the draft reads.Gregory Hartl, a spokesman for the WHO, said the new ICD-11 entry on gaming disorder "includes only a clinical description and not prevention and treatment options."

A guide to diagnose and categorize

Hartl described the ICD as the "basis for identification of health trends and statistics globally and the international standard for reporting diseases and health conditions. It is used by medical practitioners around the world to diagnose conditions and by researchers to categorize conditions."This comprehensive list is intended to make it easier for scientists to share and compare health information between hospitals, regions and countries.

 It also enables health care workers to compare data in the same location over different time periods. Additionally, public health experts use the ICD to track the number of deaths and diseases.The existing version of the ICD was endorsed by the World Health Assembly, the decision-making body of WHO, in May 1990 and currently is used by more than 100 countries around the world. The forthcoming version of the ICD will be published in May 2018.

"Inclusion of a disorder in ICD is a consideration which countries take into account when making decisions on provision of health care and allocation of resources for prevention, treatment and rehabilitation," Hartl said. By adding "gaming disorder" to the ICD, the WHO makes this health condition an official diagnosis that can be used by health care workers, including doctors.

Chris Ferguson, a professor of psychology at Stetson University in Florida whose research interests include video games and other media violence effects, described the ICD as "the book of real diseases that you can get insurance payments for.""People who have treatment centers for video game addiction or a gaming disorder will now be able to get reimbursed," said Ferguson. "In the past, they have not. It will be a financial boon for those centers."The WHO's ICD lists both mental and physical disorders. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, or DSM-5 is the most recent manual produced by the American Psychiatric Association, and includes only mental disorders.

According to Ferguson, the DSM has entered "Internet Gaming Disorder" as a proposed category, "which means it's not an official diagnosis yet but they're interested and they want people to do research."But the two guides take a different approach to gaming disorders.

Debate about disorders

Internet gaming disorder is "totally different" from the gaming disorder proposed by WHO, said Ferguson, and this "reflects the confusion."

This difference in opinion is equivalent to each of these authoritative books listing very different symptoms for pneumonia, he said. The Psychiatric Association and the WHO "don't like to be too far apart" in their descriptions of mental disorders, he said.

"Internet gaming disorder," as described by the Psychiatric Association, has been "very, very heavily criticized," said Ferguson, noting a paper published last year in the journal Addiction that he co-authored with dozens of researchers from around the world.The DSM version of gaming disorder is built around substance abuse disorder, explained Ferguson. 

By contrast, the WHO version is built around whether gaming interferes with real life activities -- for example, if your gaming means you're not doing homework or brushing your teeth -- and so it is "perhaps a little bit better," said Ferguson."I don't think that the WHO's proposal is reflecting a real consensus in the field," said Ferguson, pointing to an open access debate among scholars.

"Some people agree with it, but a lot of us don't," he said.Among those who agree is Douglas A. Gentile, a professor of psychology at Iowa State University who believes the inclusion of gaming disorder in the ICD-11 "will generate a lot more discussion about what's the best way to define it" and also "what's the best way to treat it." This would be "a good thing," he said.

Gentile has studied gaming disorder since 1999 and "at that time I was trying to show that it wasn't a problem," he said. "And the more I studied it, the more it looked like some people had a problem.""We know that it does look like it's a real problem for some people and it does cause serious dysfunction for some people," said Gentile. "OK, why? What are the risk factors that cause some people to become addicted to video games while some people don't get addicted to it?"

Almost all disorders are defined by their dysfunctionality, he explained. When it comes to addictions, the DSM doesn't ask how much you do something, such as drinking alcohol."It's about doing it in a way that damages your life," said Gentile. While some people can drink most of the time with no problems, others can drink rarely, yet do so in a way that causes a lot of damage. They get "so far out of balance, they need external help to get back into balance."Ferguson believes that it would have been better if the WHO had taken more time and reached out to skeptical scholars, gamers themselves, some of the companies that make games -- all the invested stakeholders --- before formulating their description of gaming disorder.And he questions whether it is really a disorder, or symptomatic of another mental disorder.

"After 20 or 30 years of this, the evidence base is not really good to suggest that this is a unique disorder -- the evidence base really to my mind suggests that this is, if anything, symptomatic of an underlying problem that people might be having," said Ferguson. For instance, studies show that gaming disorder tends to be unstable -- if you test someone twice, six months apart, the second test shows no disorder.

If it is just a symptom, then treating gaming disorder "really could do damage" in that it distracts doctors from the real underlying problem, said Ferguson. "It's like treating someone with pneumonia with a cough suppressant -- you'd get rid of the cough but they're still gonna have pneumonia."Gentile argues that by the time gaming disorder has become a serious problem, it usually is connected to other problems. 

And those new ones start to make the original one worse and it all becomes a "jumbled mess."In one study, he found that when kids stopped being addicted to games, their depression and anxiety got better."These are co-morbid conditions," he said. "If you just treat the depression and not gaming, the gaming is likely to come back."

 This suggests it's a unique condition, he said.But Ferguson argued that, if it is a disorder, it seems to be very rare. The numbers cited in the best of studies say that about 1% -- or less -- of individuals who are gamers "have anything that looks like this type of disorder," he said, and even that's unclear. 

"There are people out there who overdo video games," Ferguson said, "but people overdo lots of stuff, so why games? Why not just have a general behavioral addiction category that can apply to anything that people overdo?

"WHO's Hartl said that "use of the internet, computers, smartphones and other electronic devices has dramatically increased over recent decades," and while there are clear benefits, "health problems as a result of excessive use have also been documented." He added there is "increasing demand for treatment in different parts of the world."

IN OTHER NEWS:Does your child listen to loud heavy rock music? He Might Be a Neo-Nazi!

<Okay let’s be honest right now. We all know someone is going to self-diagnose as MOBA-OCD and accuse all non-believers of being gamer-typical GamerGableist. I’m calling it right now.

[steamishot]

28

I wrote the following draft on Friday, but I need to start off by saying that LA is mourning right now. It was an especially eerie day yesterday. I’m not much of a sports fan, but I grew up watching the Lakers during Kobe’s era. My dad’s best friend was a huge Lakers fan, and he got my dad into it, and my dad got our family into it. My dad would place bets at the local Cambodian noodle shop during basketball season and it was always a fun time following along. In a sense, I and many LA natives grew up with Kobe. Kobe has such a huge impact on our city (at the very least). I remember going to those Vietnamese barber shops in Chinatown, and seeing little Asian boys get their hair cut. “How do you want your cut?” the barber would ask? “Like Kobe” the kids would answer.

I heard the news after going to a yoga session at the park. My friend Steph, who also attended the yoga session with me, texted me a little right after I got home with the news. I was with my brother and SIL at the time, and we were stunned (not my SIL, she didn’t know who Kobe was), waiting for the news to unravel. My dad got home five minutes later, and I thought we would be the one to tell him the news. However, his friend Andy already texted him about it. We spent the rest of that morning waiting for more updates, learning about Kobe’s life, sitting around in shock. Til now, I still feel quite sad about the tragedy. But the best we can do is thank his contribution; legends never die.

--

Turned 28 last week and feel old-ish haha. Recap of the last few weeks

Sis in law threw a surprise bday party for my brother’s 30th at their apartment. Some drama has been going on between them and my parents, and a lot of it can be attributed to generational differences. My SIL is young, and in biological terms, her brain isn’t fully developed yet. She had that rich girl growing up in Cambodia lifestyle, and was pretty financially comfortable, although sheltered, when she was living in SF. My brother is kinda her bitch now, and he backs her on everything. SIL has pretty expensive taste, has a financial safety net from her parents, talks ambitiously, but we haven’t seen her progress much yet. Like Katy Perry’s song “You change your mind like a girl changes clothes” – that’s descriptive of her/my brothers plans. At one point, they decided to take over her uncles business in SF. She “moved” up there, then like two weeks later, told my brother to fly up there and help her move back down. It even gave me a headache.

Celebrated Mike’s 30th bday with a bunch of people in DTF. It was a bunch of fun and the food was surprisingly good. Mike made a little speech, saying he loves everyone who was at the table. We joked about how popular he is.

Went hiking with my aunt, sis in law, the kids, and friends.

Had a birthday dinner at pasta sisters with my immediate family (including bro and sis in law). My sis in law is a generous person, and also quite materialistic. She’s fancy for her age. This is advantageous because she got me a pair of lululemon pants as a birthday gift. I rarely receive expensive presents, so I felt pretty happy about it. I’ve also been wanting a nice expensive pair of yoga pants but thought it may be too frivolous. After trying it on, I understood what the type was about. In the back of my mind, I remembered in an episode of the patriot act, Hasan mentioned that a bunch of oil is used to make synthetics, the type of material used in lulus. Update: I wore it for the first time over the weekend to a yoga class, and it felt very comfortable, although the difference is not significant enough where I would buy my own.

My coworker decorated my office space and went out of her way to get me a specific cake from Glendale. I was never really that close or comfortable with this coworker, although we are the closest in age (3 years older than me). I felt that our lifestyles didn’t really align and that we didn’t have much in common. She was on the drill team in high school, very pretty and put together, fit body, into going to festivals/partying and drinking, not very academically inclined. Our conversations barely made it past surface level topics. However, I was really touched that she went all the way to Glendale to get a cake for me, just because she knew I liked this cake specifically and that I don’t really like sweets. For everyone’s birthdays, we normally just pick something up from Ralphs across the street. After this incident, I felt myself opening my heart to her more, and made an effort to connect with her. I find that it’s easier to connect once you actively choose to “like” a person, thus, to throw away judgment and allow human to human bonding.

Went to NOLA with G, S, and L. When people ask how my trip went, I would say, “it’s really different out there.” And it really is to me. I’m not at all familiar with that area of the country. I think the charm of NOLA lies in anachronism, and on the dysfunctionality of the city. People like the freedom of the city, the friendliness of the town, and how everyone can seemingly enjoy their lives despite any hardships that come their way. Some people on the internet refer to NOLA as Neverland, or an adult Disneyland. From what I’ve read, people there are very laid-back, prioritize fun, and it might be a frustrating place if you’re a go-getter. It seems like a good place for extroverts. I, personally, think one visit is enough. I think if you don’t gamble, drink, or party, the things you can do there are limited.

Besides that, I found the topic of voodoo interesting, although I felt like the voodoo shops we visited were largely touristy- it was hard to get an authentic feel of the locals/community’s beliefs and practices of voodoo. Luckily, one of my coworkers’ family is from Louisiana, and my student worker is from Belize. The day I returned from my trip, I got to chat with them a little and learn about their culture/religion. My coworker mentioned that her grandmother would always keep her hair in a jar and burn it every so often, to prevent anyone from getting her hair strands and practicing voodoo on her. She personally flushes her hair down the toilet. My student worker talked about their need to sweep their house every day from preventing dust buildup (I believe to keep spirits away).

Celebrated CNY with family.

Matt started on his first nights rotation last Wednesday night. It was a difficult transition because he had to work from 6am until noon or so for his day shift, then be on a 12 hour night shift that same night. He had a terrible first couple days adjusting, but now is better. It just sucks that we are now on completely different time zones. I’m unable to chat with him after work because he’s on shift. He goes home and falls asleep around 6am PST, during the time that I’m still asleep. I asked him to send me a card for my birthday. Although I received it days late, I was still grateful for his gift. He wrote me a very sweet message that filled up the card. Good news is, there will be 4 interns on the rotation that he will be on when I’m in town in February. That means that he’ll have less patients, be less exhausted, and have more time for me!

I watched Awkwafina’s Nora from Queens pilot over the weekend. In the show, she plays a “loser” 27 year old who can’t hold down a job and smokes weed every day, and still lives at home with her dad and grandma. The show is supposed to be representative of her life (before her fame). I couldn’t help but feel like I’m getting too old to still be living at home, and although I’ll need to spend money on rent when I move out, it’ll be a valuable investment.

Lastly, this past year seems to be the year of friendship confrontations for me. Growing up, I was very loner-ish and introverted. The hardest thing for me to do was socialize and “be normal”. I found it difficult to relate to people and to build connections with them. When I did start making friends, I was so behind on social skills that I had difficulty deepening friendships. One thing I am grateful for in my last relationship, is that it taught me how to handle conflict with someone else. Before that, I was never confrontational to anyone outside of my family. As I’m growing up, “finding myself” more, and developing my values and what I stand for/look for in companionship, I become stronger as an individual. I’m proud that I can be more honest with my friends, and be more verbal if someone/something bothers me. I look back on a few friendships that dissipated, and it’s usually due to something petty or fixable, if both parties let their ego down and communicated. But oh well, not all friendships/relationships are worth being salvaged. 

[venuskind]

Catharsis I haven't cried this much while reading a book in decades. I cried over the perpetuations of pain across generations, the relational mutilation of the men I know intimately and love, the pain their pain brought to our relationships and me, I cried over all the wasted energy in attempting to understand, help and support when the men were too blind or afraid to truly face their truth and do their work, I cried for the friends I see flee from healing and the masked unhappiness they hold themselves in. I cried for the painful and long journey a man has to undertake to get to a state of being capable of relating in any healthy or meaningful way. I cried over all the ways I misunderstood and couldn't relate to my father and him to me, for the pains of his childhood that caused his covert depression and fear-inducing presence and cold absence in my life, I can see now why he teeters on wanting to reach out and then deciding not to. I cried for the shame and self-rejection I carried for him and my grandfather too. I cried over the patterns of trauma, active and passive abuse that run in my family clans and the way they keep an unhealthy hold on self esteem, self love and interpersonal relationships. And I looked deeper into the abyss of relational dysfunctionality seeded with the pathology of patriarchy suffusing our culture and subconscious minds. Realizing more why relating has grown ever more difficult as I proceeded in my healing journey. Understanding with more clarity why my system rebels when a man unconsciously expects or demands me to mother him, tests me incessantly to affirm the belief of his unworthiness, lashes out and keeps hurting me whenever my love became unbearable in the hell of (un)conscious self hate and rejection. I understand why my intuition tells me to retreat from men whose relating and "love" is self referential (I love you for what you do for ME, for how you make ME feel. No value is given to the other beyond the fulfillment of a role to serve their needs). I can see how much of a journey of healing and integration lies ahead of them and how incompatible we are due to the work I have already invested into my integrational self work. This has been an unexpected and deeply cathartic journey into aspects of my past and subconscious I rarely got to illuminate. Simply by being open, empathetic and reading a much needed and valuable work on male psychology. I shall never fully understand people who denigrate book knowledge and think it useless and dead. Books have been some of the most potent catalysts in my life. Authors can become wise ancestors to our lives and journeys when they distill the treasures of their journey and make them accessible to us. If you are curious about the book I read, its title is "I Don't Want To Know" by Terrence Real and I cannot recommend it enough. Regardless of your gender or feelings towards men, this work of heart will bring unexpected healing insights and expansive perspectives to your life and experience. Especially if you are striving to relate consciously with the people in your life this will be a valuable and insightful resource. Photography: Rachida Brakni & Eric Contona by Gianluca Fontana Source http://venuskind.de/2019/12/catharsis/ https://www.instagram.com/p/B53SInVoMgY/?igshid=1kqjhccu1he15

[lbmisscharlie]

2! 32!

2. Talk about three of the most important ships throughout your life.

It’s got to be the three major ships in which I’ve participated (reading/writing) in some invested, sustained way as an adult: Sam/Dean, Sherlock/John, Steve/Bucky. AKA dysfunctionally codependent pairings in which there’s a lot of killing and/or dying and/or coming back to life for one another, and through which we can tell a lot of interesting stories about masculinity and morality. (also porn and tortured manpain)

32. Share five must-read fics.

Ahh, this one’s hard, if only because I have been very bad at bookmarking/keeping records, but let me scrounge up a couple I’ve returned to more than once:

Speranza’s 4 Minute Window series (Steve/Bucky, primarily) - Spectacular take on the “Steve and Bucky get out of the superhero business” trope; I especially like the way the friendships between Steve, Bucky, and the rest of the Avengers -- primarily Natasha and Clint -- are built/rebuilt, and that it deals with recovery without being PTSD porn. Also delightfully funny.

Into That Good Night by Nonymous - (Steve/Bucky) - Sort of an Interstellar fusion, but I haven’t seen Interstellar so I don’t know about how successful that part of it is. HOWEVER this picks up on something that I think about a lot but don’t see too much in fic, which is the fundamental loneliness of being Captain America. The circumstances here push it a little, but it feels very rooted in what Steve’s experience, especially between waking up and finding out Bucky’s still alive, would be. 

Always @havingbeenbreathedout‘s How the mouth changes its shape (Sherlock/John, genderswapped historical AU) for its impeccable historical setting and deep and intense negotiation with queer femininities. Also her descriptions of Sherlock’s sort of teddy girl fashion set off an obsession with finding and/or making the right pair of 50s-inspired button-fly jeans, an aspiration I still have not achieved, so thanks for that, hbbo.

The Last Outpost of All That Is by Gekizetzu (Sam/Dean, post-apocalypse for real) - I haven’t read this one in a while, but it’s stayed in my memory. Like Into That Good Night, it’s a sort of end-of-the-world, no-one-but-us-alive situation, and deals really deeply with loneliness, intimacy, and the kinds of masculinity Sam and Dean have propped themselves up on in complicated ways.

And finally, a sort of wild-card: Bond of Honor by Meri (Eomer/Haldir, LOTR), which I’m pretty sure you recced to me, @what-alchemy! This is kind of a comfort read for me, because it’s delightfully an acquaintances-to-lovers fic with lots of awkward pining and porn, but it also should pretty much have a neon sign on it that says WHAT’S ALL THIS ABOUT SOCIAL CONSTRUCTIONS OF MASCULINITY, which is pretty much all I look for in any fic dealing with male main characters, so.

[cryptodictation]

From euphoria to panic: after a good start to the year, Ibovespa has consecutive losses

(photo: CB / D.A Press)

The year 2020 started with the So Paulo Stock Exchange (B3) in full swing and with excited investors. The bets were on new records for the Bovespa index (Ibovespa), which had been climbing since 2019 and could reach up to 150 thousand points in December. However, the global crisis triggered by the Covid-19 pandemic and frustrations with the country's first activity indicators have made forecasts wither.

Analysts interviewed by the Courier foresee the stock exchange closing the year with a fall between 13.5% and 56.7%. It will be the first time she has returned to the red since 2015, the first year of the last recess. It is worth remembering that the biggest drop on the Ibovespa occurred in 2008, of 41.2%. The most optimistic estimates predict the Ibovespa reaching 100 thousand points at the end of the year; pessimists predict that B3's main index could fall below 50,000 points. Most bets are between 60 thousand and 70 thousand points, which would represent losses of 40% to 48%.

The difference between forecasts is the result of increased uncertainty about when the economy will recover effectively. It is not yet known when the contour curve of the coronavirus will stop growing in the country, nor when economic activity will resume and at what speed. “There was a perfect storm at the beginning of the year and, in the second quarter, we will have an equally difficult situation for economic activity. We are seeing the Stock Exchange going up and down very intensely, showing that the level of system dysfunctionality is still too strong to have more accurate forecasts ”, says Ilan Arbetman, analyst at Ativa Investimentos.

In 2019, B3 ended the year at 115.6 thousand points. Ativa's optimistic projection of 100,000 points at the end of the year, but that scenario is unlikely at the moment, according to Arbetman. “Based on current statistics and looking at the history of Ibovespa for the past 10 years, we concluded that, at the end of the year, the closing would be close to 80 thousand points”, he explains.

Gain canceled

Despite rising 11.7% in the last week following the positive reaction to the new relief packages from the United States and Europe, ending at 77,681 points, the Ibovespa has accumulated a 32.8% drop since January, canceling the gain of 31.6 % of 2019.

The arrival of Covid-19 in the country in the middle of the carnival ended the euphoria of the “farialimers”, investors and operators in the region of Avenida Faria Lima, in the South Zone of So Paulo, the Silicon Valley of the financial market. The losses of publicly traded companies listed on B3 totaled R $ 1.4 trillion, accumulated in the year up to last Friday, according to data collected by Economtica. In the first quarter of the year, B3's decline, of 36.9%, was the largest in history, surpassing the 1986 record for the period, according to the consultancy.

This year, the Exchange has been at the top of the ranking for the worst investment of the year. Analysts even admit that there is a correction in the price of assets, which were overvalued. According to the chief strategist of XP Investimentos, Fernando Ferreira, behind this strong fall of B3 is also a price adjustment. “The market had been operating on a high for 10 years abroad and Brazil was lagging behind in this recovery scenario. The stock price was above the average of 10 times the profit, around 12 times, but in the USA, the Stock Exchange operated 14 to 15 times the profit ”, says Ferreira. “The coronavirus caught the market at a time of high prices, mainly abroad. Here, there were many expensive roles that will now have their market values ​​adjusted ”, he adds.

“The stock market was overvalued, and this public health crisis is helping to correct market prices, which was ignoring the political risks that increase when President Bolsonaro tries to minimize the pandemic, against the world,” adds economist Juliana Inhasz, Insper teacher.

The stock market's sharp decline has scared even the most experienced analysts. They remember that, for the first time in history, six circuit breakers were triggered in March, in less than 10 days of nail. “The losses were in very large volumes, which overcame previous crises both here and in the United States. The US stock exchange fell 24% in real terms, double the fall in 2008, in the global financial crisis, by 12% ”, compares Banco BV's chief economist, Roberto Padovani. “The fall in the stock exchanges is being abrupt and very intense in a short period of time. There is still a lack of information about the duration of this crisis and when it will be overcome so that we can make clearer projections ”, he adds.

Padovani bets that the Ibovespa will rise again at the end of the year, reaching 90 thousand points instead of the 120 thousand previously estimated. In the pessimistic scenario, with the slower recovery process, he predicts the stock market closing 2020 at 65 thousand points.

“There was a perfect storm at the beginning of the year and, in the second quarter, we will have an equally difficult situation for economic activity” Ilan Arbetman, analyst at Ativa Investimentos

Panic button

The circuit breaker is a defense mechanism for the Stock Exchanges to avoid very sudden falls. On the So Paulo Stock Exchange (B3), it is triggered when the Bovespa index falls by 10%. Business is paralyzed for 30 minutes and, if the fall is resumed above 15%, the longest interruption, for 60 minutes. And if, on the return, there is a drop of more than 20%, the Exchange will close again for an indefinite period. In March, this panic button was activated six times in less than 10 days, twice in a single day, on the last day 12, when B3 ended the day with a drop of 14.8%, at 72,582 points.

Up and down

The Covid-19 pandemic hit the So Paulo Stock Exchange (B3), which should end the year in red for the first time since 2015

>> Ibovespa's daily history

Date Points Change – in%

3/31/20 73,019 -2.17

1/4/20 70,966 2.81

2/4/20 72,253 1.81

3/4/20 69,537 -3.76

6/4/20 74,073 6.52

7/4/20 76,358 3.08

8/4/20 78,624 2.97

9/4/20 77,681 -1.20

>> Ibovespa annual history

Year Points Change – in%

2013 51,507 -15.50

2014 50,007 -2.9

2015 43,350 -13.3

2016 60,227 38.9

2017 76,402 26.9

2018 87,887 15.0

2019 115,645 31.6

2020 * 77,681 -32.8

* On April 9

Number 1

R $ 1.4 rail

Total losses in market value of companies listed in B3 in the year to date

Number 2

Between 50 thousand and 100 thousand points

Analyst forecast heard by the Courier for B3 this year, which means a decrease of 13.5% to 56.7% in the year

Historical fall

The first quarter was the worst in the history of the Brazilian stock exchange, according to a survey by Economtica

See the five biggest falls in the B3 main index

Change Period – in%

1. 1st tri-2020 -36.9

2. 1st tri-1986 -36.2

3. 1st quarter 1998 -31.9

4. 1st quarter 1995 -31.6

5. 1st tri-1987 -28.4

Stampede

While Brazilians were excited about the Brazilian Stock Exchange looking for a return, foreigners retreated. This year, the record

Movement of foreigners at B3 – in R $ billion

Year – Purchases – Sales – Balance

2014 – 935.9 915.5 20.4

2015 – 884.2 867.8 22.4

2016 – 967.6 953.3 14.3

2017 – 1,045.6 1,031.3 14.3

2018 – 1,487.1 1,498.6 -11.5

2019 – 1,895.7 1,940.3 -44.6

2020 * – 839.4 905.5 -66.1

* On April 7

Caution

Although the volume of investors is a record on the Stock Exchange, the participation of individual investors has registered the same percentage since February

>> Evolution of individual investors in B3

Total Year

2015 557,109

2016 564,024

2017 619,625

2018 813,291

2019 1,681,033

2020 * 2,243,362

* March position

>> Participation of individual investors in B3

Year% of total investors

2015 13.7

2016 17.0

2017 16.8

2018 17.9

2019 18.2

2020 * 15.9

* April data

P on the brake

Launch of shares on the stock exchange should be on hold from now on

Year Volume of IPOs – in R $ billion

2015 0.6

2016 0.7

2017 20.7

2018 6.8

2019 9.8

2020 * 3.7

* Given in April

Sources: B3 and Economtica

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[solarlightingsystem-blog]

Solar Flood Lights

Solar Street Lights- Major Advantages and Disadvantages You should Know About

Light is life- Solar streets lights would be the new trends of street lights, saving both electrical energy and utilizing the nature’s light to pave the lights on the darkness. With this note, let’s get to know the positive aspects and disadvantages of them.

No wonder, together with the advancement of science and technology, the human race has stepped far quite a bit. Certainly one of these technologies use solar energy or lights created by the Sun to harness them into an efficient and usable supply for powering lights like Solar Flood Lights, garden lights, parks lights and so forth.

What will be the advantages of Solar Street Lights?

Actually, solar streets lights happen to be discovered to become a really successful way of using solar power, and hence avoiding the use of standard energy types like electricity to energy the city in the night. Not just that they're cost-effective, however they are also environmental-friendly to light up the dark roads, public areas, parks, gardens, foot-ways, and so forth. Aiding to energy conservation, they're also attractive (design-wise), long-lasting and most importantly, they do not require lots of upkeep as in comparison to electricity powered street lights.

What are the disadvantages of Solar Street Lights?

Naturally, we do understand that there is no such issue current inside the universe that comes only the benefits. Exactly where you'll find advantages, there will be cost. Comparable will be the case in solar streets lights, they have disadvantages too. Very first factor first, the initial investment for solar street light set-up is comparatively high as in comparison with conventional street lights. The threat of theft is comparatively higher in a couple of places. Yet another trouble is definitely the moist or Snow or dust difficulty that could accumulate on horizontal panels major for the dysfunctionality of your program.

But, as we stated, everything comes at a cost. But what matters is the fact that, would be the benefits we are ripping off the technologies worth for the values and cost it takes. Within the case of solar street lights, yes, it's, for confident. Positive, the initial investment is higher, but to get a extended run, they're cost-effective. Energy saving is one more wonderful issue.

[darkmanagement-blog1]

How Employees Interact With Workplace

    We all know that there are toxic employees as well as toxic workplaces, while there are ideal ones too. Reasonable managers will prefer the ideal ones, but dark managers can think differently.

    Before explaining why, I’ll have to talk about different types of employees when interacting with different types of workplaces according to their toxicity(in an oversimplified manner):

This employee can not only work ideally regardless of whether the workplace is ideal or toxic, but also change a toxic workplace into an ideal one.

This employee can work ideally regardless of whether the workplace is ideal or toxic, but can’t change a toxic workplace into an ideal one yet.

This employee can work ideally in an ideal workplace, but will malfunction in a toxic workplace. They’re not capable on changing the workplace significantly yet.

This employee will malfunction regardless of whether the workplace is ideal or toxic, but at least won’t change an ideal workplace into a toxic one yet.

This employee will not only malfunction regardless of whether the workplace is ideal or toxic, but also change an ideal workplace into a toxic one.

    Clearly, in the eyes of a reasonable manager, everything should be this straightforward:

Type 1 should be aggressively hunted for, even with very high cost, as the return on investment is so high that they deserve to have special offers with special privileges. However, such employees are so rare that only the best companies can afford to rely on them, as the rest of the companies may not be so lucky to even be able to reach them.

Type 2 should also be aggressively hunted for, but they’re easier to be reached as the supplies are not as scarce as that of Type 1. The return on investment is still high and they still need deserve excellent packages, but treating every one of them as special talents would cost too much for most companies. Bear in mind that only good companies can have access of them, as they’re still capable enough to avoid bad companies.

Type 3 should be the worst employees that are still tolerable, but in reality they usually end up being the most common type. Therefore the company must be responsible for maintaining an ideal workplace so they can keep working ideally. While this should be easier if the company has at least 1 Type 1 employee, the company shouldn’t rely on them.

Type 4 should be gotten rid of as soon as possible, but in rare cases keeping few of them around can actually be useful. For instance, when there are noncritical routine jobs that almost no one wants to take, the company can assign these dysfunctional employees for those tasks. Just makes sure they’re not touching anything critical nor working on anything that is depended by anything critical, and they can be effectively quarantined.

Type 5 should be gotten rid of immediately at all costs, as they’re cancers to the company. Like real cancers, they can cause the whole company to become toxic if they’re left unchecked. An excellent interview process should try its best to filter them out.

    In the eyes of most dark managers(i.e., except the best ones), these employee types have a drastically different meaning and thus need to be treated dramatically differently:

Type 1 should be gotten rid of immediately at all cost, as only the best dark managers can employ dark management without relying on a seemingly ideal yet actually toxic workplace. Clearly, these employees are serious threats to those dark managers. In the worst case, these employees can even end up getting those dark managers fired.

Type 3 should also be gotten rid of as soon as possible, as their dysfunctionality will be a direct manifestation of the toxic workplace maintained by those dark managers. If those employees work ideally in other workplaces, it’d be nearly impossible for those dark managers to defend themselves, especially when everything else are nearly the same. Therefore, these employees are just minefields waiting to explode, at least from the perspective of those dark managers. It’s just too dangerous to keep any of them around.

Type 5 is almost always necessary for those dark managers, but only very few of them are needed, as having too many of them will actually harm even those dark managers. They’re valuable as they’re ideal scapegoats for those dark managers – When the dark management is about to be revealed, those dark managers can simply shifts most, if not all, of the responsibilities to those toxic employees, and then openly get rid of them while gaining credibility and reputation in a covert and elusive manner. After that, those dark managers need to secretly recruit new toxic employees to keep having scapegoats.

Whether Type 2 or Type 4 should be the majority depends on whether those dark managers want their employees to work ideally or dysfunction. The former case means that Type 2 employees are preferred, as those dark managers can use their ideal performance to defend their workplace and cover the underlying dark management; The latter case means that Type 4 employees are preferred, as those dark managers can blame those dysfunctional employees instead of admitting that they’re dark managers.

    Combining, a reasonable manager and dark manager will have very different teams and treat them very differently. The former will probably consist of very few Type 1, some Type 2 and many Type 3, meaning that the composition is a traditional pyramid; The latter will probably have very few Type 5 and many Type 2/4(depending on whether having ideal performance is advantageous to the dark manager), meaning that the composition is a reversed pyramid. So this nature can actually be a warning sign when inspecting a manager:

If a manager has at least 1 Type 1 employee, then that manager is nearly impossible to be a dark manager, unless he/she’s the best of the best in dark management.

If a manager has almost no Type 3 employee, then that manager is either the best of the best reasonable one, or is just a typical dark manager. Note that a stupid dark manager can have lots of Type 3 employees as he/she’s just too inept on dark management.

If a manager has lots of Type 4 employees or at least 1 Type 5 one, then it’s such a severe red flag that the manager should be assumed as a dark manager until proven otherwise. After all, a reasonable manager needs to be really, really bad on management to let it happen in the 1st place, and such managers can be just as harmful as dark managers.