#truly disgusting 😭 okay but why am i sad?

[hermit-frog]

[xb0rder-7inex]

It literally disgusts me to think of crying over him after all that happened so sitting with the anxiety is my only option and sometimes unbearable. I worry I will fall back into that weakness but I will try my hardest not to let myself. I hate being borderline because I never know if feeling fine is a true recovery or just the cycle.

I'm not thinking about kms anymore and that's a huge improvement because I was suic*dal for six weeks. And I attempted and it failed and I felt the same way for two days afterwards for not being successful and then I just didn't feel that way anymore. I started looking at my life as something to grow into, and putting less focus on what I'm losing. I'm honestly feeling kind of weird about adding him back again after this. I might do it and just not react to him at all and see what he does. I feel like it's just going to be a lot of blocking right now and that he has no intentions of trying to see me. It is a lot of emotional abuse just like the last time.

I think if he ever wants me to love him again he's going to have to try harder. My circumstances are so different this time. I'm doing it all alone and literally have nothing left to lose lmao. Which kind of gives me an upper hand emotionally.

I'm scared but I get to build something that's mine. I really don't think I'll be blocked long but knowing I have bigger things to focus on and a routine to keep me occupied makes it okay anyway.

I'm just going to post here every time I have a feeling instead of wasting my energy splitting on him because it's not worth the reactive abuse.

I like that I'm doing it alone because I'm not being influenced by anything anybody is telling me. It's filtered directly into what he's showing me and I have no idea why he's having a tantrum and trying to be really emotionally controlling but I imagine it's because he's frustrated even though he's literally the one who put us in this position lol.

I'm going to keep documenting because court is months away and it isn't over until it's over lol. I'm not putting labels on him at all this time because I don't need to scare myself like that. He just has very toxic and abusive traits that he doesn't seem to be willing to change. And that's a yikes for me. Because how much fucking character development have I done in the last six months. Very steady therapy every single week, and I started a mood stabilizer this year. The fact that I'm not even reacting to him blocking me is a huge win.

I truly am just shocked that after everything he didn't change one single little bit at all. Truly taken aback. To know I lost everything and tried to kill myself and to not care is really gross.

I'm not even trauma bonded anymore I don't think. All I feel is anxiety and I think that's normal. I'm not even sad lol. I'm a little bit angry but not enough to split on him. Disappointed but not surprised? Yep.

The peace feels strange after a year and a half of chaos. It's the mood stabilizer for sure. If it's working for me like this to keep my emotions actually level for once then this drug is going to change my life because I can separate my real feelings from my borderline feelings 😭

If I can remain unreactive to him then I will have become the woman I've always wanted to fucking be. I've never ever been a woman who didn't react. I'd love to be that woman.

I'm still not overly optimistic three days after my attempt, my life is still pretty bland and boring, but for the first time maybe ever I feel like my emotions are moving in a straight line and that really excites me because I can trust a feeling that lasts.

There is a downside to that in that it manifested itself in darkness first because I had never felt so heavily depressed and that stable at the same time. So I knew I WAS ready to kms because that feeling didn't waver for six weeks. It's been two full days that I've felt neutral about this decision and I feel like I can probably trust this feeling too.

That day was obviously ridiculously traumatizing but it changed something in me. I am having some pretty intense PTSD flashbacks which are extremely uncomfortable so I try to repress it and Ive always been pretty good at deleting memories so it's working lol. I only remember it when I have flashbacks now which I know will subside eventually. I'm not ready to talk about it and I don't know that I ever will be I think that's something I probably want to keep to myself because it was so real, so so real. Just so impulsive but so so ready to go.

I also just remembered that that's the last time I reacted to him blocking me. The last time I reacted, I tried to kms, and then I got out of the hospital and I stopped reacting to him blocking me. I stopped swearing at him. I truly and genuinely stopped caring. And what an odd feeling. To have gone from loving someone so much like that to truly feeling nothing for them at all.

I'm going to continue to journal here as much as I need to in order to cope with the anxiety. I'm not even forcing myself to say that I don't love him or don't miss him. He is abusing me right now and all I can control is how I react to it.

My goal is calmness. To be neutral. To be unattached and mindful.