#trying to put the viewer in the mindset of a little girl that experienced something she never told in full to anybody

[emdotcom]

Made (bad?) motivational images out of quotes that bounce around in my skull like the DVD screensaver.

“Felix. I need you to pick up the phone. Now.” -- Jack Walten, the Walten Files.

“Have these statements always been true? Or have I cursed you? Is such a thing possible? A curse that changes your past?” -- ???, Petscop

“Like a thunderclap to a small dog... I felt a strange powerlessness... Countless wonderful things were happening... ‘I want to be kinder.” -- Toby Fox I had to horribly misrepresent this quote to get it to fit. GO read the full post where they say this.

“There’s just no peace for me, anymore.” -- Wolverine, X-Men: The Animated Series (1992-1997)

[taebadam]

act two pt. 1:

act twooooooo. we start w hands clean (this ensemble wowwowwowowow) and the stage opens to bella and andrew on either side of nick, all staring out into the audience. a few moments later jo and frankie come in from stage right and stand on either side of bella, comforting her and staying by her side as they walk off stage. honestly, i love how bella is rarely alone in all of this, jo and frankie are always there for her it’s really sweet.

as they all leave we transition to a psychologist’s office where steve and mj are getting ready to meet w the doctor. cue not the doctor. so good. so funny. so clever. when yana comes up behind them as the doctor and announces “hello i am the doctor” it’s just so perfect. then comes the therapy session. the whole time steve is emotional and desperate trying to get through to mj and figure out what’s wrong he’s just so concerned and mj is just so completely closed off: body language, speech and all. she does not want to be there. she does mention her car accident, though, and the doctor comments that physical trauma can awaken past trauma, even sexual trauma (hint hint see the predator theme from forgiven…). mj immediately tries to deny this and steve just doesn’t know what to do. there is a funny line though where the doctor asks if steve would describe himself as the high-libido partner and steve responds “i would describe myself as a puppy under the table begging for scraps… and getting kicked in the head w a loafer” and mj goes “these are not loafers these are drivers” and it’s so funny. but eventually the doctor asks if mj has always been reluctant to have sex and steve says no, that “they were great once. remember?” cue head over feet. frankie and phoenix peek out from behind the panels on either side of the stage while mj and steve are still in the center as the song starts. eventually the couples switch places as the song grows and the swingset replaces the doctor’s office for frankie and phoenix to climb on while they sing. the song ends with them in frankie’s room, about to have sex. as they start taking each other’s clothes off jo enters from the side, singing your house (wow i love lauren patten her voice i just ahhhhhhhh). all of your house is acapella and lauren patten is just honestly a freak of nature. she walks into frankie’s room and catches them in the middle of having sex, running out and trying to hide the fact that she’s crying as frankie calls after her. she runs downstairs as mj and steve come home and announces that frankie has been having sex w a boy upstairs. she breaks the tension w one of my favorite lines “he was wearing dog tags w no shirt like a douche!” then steve calls her joanne before running upstairs. as he and mj leave she stops for a moment and says, her voice small, shaking and cracking a little and with a hint of just utter devastation “please don’t call me joanne.” she then returns to her usual funny self though and yells “i’m not a fucking fabric store!” before exiting the stage. again, just beautiful acting from lauren. the face jo puts on only breaks for a second but wow is it like a punch in the gut. it breaks me every time.

ok so you know how in theaters there are poles/scaffolding on either side of the stage where they hang lights and speakers and things? yeah. so steve and mj run into frankie’s room and phoenix can be seen literally climbing down said scaffolding w no shirt or pants on, trying desperately not to drop his clothes. steve comments about frankie’s friend “running down the sidewalk w his pants falling down” as phoenix stumbles through the audience just trying his best. it is so fucking funny. but then mj and steve start berating frankie. they say she’s too young to be having sex “especially w a boy she just met” and frankie responds “what if it was with a girl? i’m bisexual, did you know that?” and steve’s like “wow ok” and it’s hilarious cause clearly he’s like not upset w this and would want to talk about it more but also there’s another issue at hand and this poor dude is like idk what to do. meanwhile mj just keeps going on about how frankie shouldn’t be doing this and frankie goes “you don’t care about the situation w bella but as soon as i choose to have sex w someone i care about it’s a crime?” and mj goes “don’t even get me started in the situation w bella. if youre not careful frankie the same thing could happen to you.” silence. a few gasps in the audience. frankie slowly stands up and pushes mj away “you don’t get it.” she says, devastated, and begins packing a bag. they ask her what she’s doing, she says it’s none of their business and they say it is because they’re her parents. she yells “you are not my parents! look at me. you don’t own me just because you have a paper in a file folder somewhere. you thought you could straighten my hair and raise me around white kids and i would turn out like you. well i’mglad i didn’t. i don’t want o be like you.” she rushes off and steve and mj yell at each other in anger, mj blaming him as the workaholic who was never around and steve trying to get through to her and say that maybe they made some mistakes when raising frankie and they should try to listen to her. to no avail.

cut to unprodigal daughter. frankie is on a train to new york and her and the ensemble just completely rock out. she has her moment, finally free of all the pain and stress of home. she’s carefree and happy, dancing her heart out. OH WOW THE CHOREOGRAPHY HERE HOLY SHIT. also her voice. wowowow. so good. at the end, they do a lift w frankie that’s the EXACT SAME LIFT as they did w ebony (her double) back in all i really want. so good. after the song she calls phoenix, trying to get him to come to new york w her. she tells phoenix she loves him and he can’t say it back, he tries to explain that he really likes her he’s just not ready to say he loves her yet but frankie hangs up on him, heartbroken.

there’s a mini transition scene where all of the ensemble are on their phones saying horrible things about bella like that she’s only doing this for the money and that she’s just trying to get attention. at the end they all silently hold out their phone screens to the audience and walk off without a word. wow.

the next scene bella walks into the healy house, looking for nick. instead the finds mj in the kitchen and they talk. mj says she heard about what happened and says she understands how bella feels. bella says she doubts that and mj says that she’s experienced the same thing before, but that “we have to be strong and accept our mistakes.” she’s trying to smile, act like everything is ok. it’s a call back to her line in forgiven after she discusses her assault, where she says “i kept going i powered through.” bella looks at her for a moment and asks, “when did you start to feel better?” she pauses and her voice breaks as she begins to cry “how long did it take? tell me when i’m gonna feel normal again.” silence. mj doesn’t have an answer. “great.” bella says and leaves. nick comes in right after she goes and tells mj the police called, that he thinks he should say something about what he saw. mj immediately shuts him down, tells him to stay out of it for fear of him losing his reputation or, worse, his acceptance to harvard. he stops and says “i need to tell you what i saw that night.” cue predator.

this song is haunting. truly. it begins with that chilling theme and you just know what’s coming and all the times that theme came in during the first act start to come together and it dawns on you and just. wow. we go back to the night of the party, but this time from bella’s point of view. we now see everything andrew does so, so clearly and we’re left thinking: how did we not notice this before? the truth is each of us probably did notice something, something small. but we’ve been conditioned to ignore it, see it as normal, something that “just happens sometimes.” and it’s really a punch to the gut when you realize what you did, how you were a bystander who didn’t notice the signs that were right in front of your face. i have never seen a piece of art or media so successfully throw viewers into this mindset, truly showing us how easy it is to be passive and complicit. we can’t judge nick really. we can’t think “how could he not see something was wrong? how could he not say anything?” because we did it too. we see andrew give her drink after drink, pull her away from her friends and guide her as he pleases. about halfway through the song, however, bella steps away from the party scene to sing at the side and who replaces her? HEATHER. MJ’S BODY DOUBLE. heather takes her place in her same outfit and begins a truly mesmerizing choreography that has her falling around the stage, being pulled and lifted and tossed around by the ensemble like she has no control over her body, no control over her actions. the panels begin to move in as we get closer to the final chorus and eventually they open up to reveal a bed standing upright (like we’re looking down on it) with the party still raging behind and bella steps over and leans back on the bed as she hits her big note going into the climax of the song. she lays there on the bed, immobilized, singing in despair as andrew slowly approaches her while the panels around her show the images that were taken at the party which frankie and jo mentioned in the first act. then, as the chorus come to an end, andrew removes her from the bed and brings her to the floor. it’s at this point that a few things come together and let me tell you: i gasped. first, we notice we’re now witnessing the rape. bella is unconscious and andrew is beginning to undress her. second, it’s at this moment nick comes out from behind a panel, revealing not only that he saw how drunk bella was, but that he saw andrew beginning to rape her and did nothing. third is that as bella is removed from the bed who takes her place? mj. mj takes the exact same position that bella was in, watching the assault on the floor below her in horror. and finally, the final punch to the whole scene, is that as the song comes to a close the panels cover the photos of bella once again for just a moment and when they move away, what’s left beneath are no longer pictures of bella. they’re pictures of mj. in the same position. just. heart-wrenching.

after the song we see mj really start to break down. she yells at nick, asking why he didn’t do anything, asking if he “forgot she (bella) was a human being.” nick is devastated and mj is just barely holding it together. truly stunning. but even still mj tells nick he still can’t say anything. she doesn’t want him to get in trouble, and losing her perfect son is still central in her mind.

[rkheejin]

‧ ₊ ˚ ♡ MGA SEASON FIVE, EPISODE FIVE— TRIOS PERFORMANCES!

• • • bringing to the stage dna + bbom bbom w. minho & kyulkyung ❪ 0:00 — 1:55! ❫

     it's odd how okay she is, how easy it is for her to accept defeat towards her own personal goals this time around, yet another week going by with her name being nowhere near the top of the ranks— deep down, heejin believes she knew it'd turn out like this ( with every episode, results get tighter and tighter, outcomes easier to predict, and despite the motivation she has to break through the ceiling as she'd done once before, she understands the hurdles that entailed. she understood that, no matter how hard she worked, there would always be someone else working just as hard, if not harder ).

     she hates the predictability, hates how stagnant the top seems to be, but heejin is no fool— those at the top, for the most part, are there for legitimate reasons. a bitter taste settles on the tip of her tongue, hidden by a honey smile.

     maybe it's me.

     it's a fleeting thought, one that hits her from the shadows of her mind, and it's all heejin can do to push it far away as she steels herself. rarely were there ever times where the brunette felt any sort of doubt in herself, in her capabilities, but every once in a while, they'd appear. they'd fester in times like this, her mind restless with dissatisfaction, hoping to take grasp and knock her far down from where she knows she's should be.

     silently, she's grateful for the crowd that surrounds her, the judges voices breaking through the self-induced haze she hadn't realized was there, and she tunes in just in time to catch the names of her two new partners for the coming weeks' performances.

     there's a sense of instant intrigue, relief washing over her, and there's no point in denying her luck any longer— minho and kyulkyung, two powerful competitors, both of whom she'd had her eyes keenly trained on almost from start. immediately, any festering worries she'd briefly let cross her mind fade into the background, and for a moment, all heejins mind can conjure up are visions into next week. if she's meant to win, meant to earn praise as part of a team, the brunette was more than confident that it would be with this trio.

     she can feel her fire begin to rekindle, growing with intensity, morphing into something far greater than the simple heat it'd diminished into.

     she would stand a better chance now.

                                                                      ♡

     the atmosphere is easygoing, open and inviting the longer the three of them are sat together, and heejin feels more at ease than she'd originally thought she'd be.

     oh, the wonders something as simple as having good food to bond over could do.

     it's a location unfamiliar to her, just as unfamiliar as her partners are, but the brunette has never been one to shut herself out from anything new— maybe that's why she says what she does, words leaving her after very little contemplation once she'd made decent progress on her plate, her willingness to do whatever it took for the three of them to secure the best results they could pushing through entitled pride.

     "over these last 4 performances, all i've done is sing," she starts, eyes flickering smoothly between her older companions, fingers idly playing with the straw in her cup of water. "it's what i'm best at, so it made sense for me to focus on showing off my vocals, but i don't want people to think singing is all i'm capable of doing." she stays silent for a moment, thinking before she continues. "i'm open to trying whatever ideas will work for all of us— singing, dancing, whatever it may be...just don't make me rap."

     heejin is sure that, had her partners been anyone else, she might not have brought up the idea of potentially putting herself so far out of her comfort zone, but it was a thought that had been weighing on the back of her mind the moment they'd decided to spend this time together. they were different than her— their performances were different than hers, valuing contrasting skills when it came to their strengths thus far on the show, something she'd taken note of easily. while she'd been paired with rappers before, heejin hadn't been paired with any of the dancers ( they were a whole new territory this far in, one she couldn’t afford to get lost in ).

     while it seemed somewhat daunting, she was well aware that an opportunity like this could help show off another side to herself, one that wasn't strictly rooted to her vocals.

     with that in mind, it’s easier to put aside her worries. if she was the one who needed to bend a little in order for their team not to break, so be it— she would bend as much as she could if it meant they'd have the best chance at success.

                                                                      ♡

     walking through the halls of sphere entertainment, she feels a plethora of emotions swirling in the pit of her stomach. heejin is excited, eyes searching up and down each hall they passed, taking in just how professional and experienced everything feels. she's determined, motivated to work her hardest, kyulkyung by her side as the two make their way to their appointed practice room. she's expectant, ready to experience only a fraction of what she knows is to come not much farther down the line ( the only difference, however, is in location— sphere wasn't her end goal, but being there was interesting, enlightening on what to expect when royal came for her ).

     she's anxious, eyes darting with every turn of the corner, waiting to see if, by some chance, she'd catch sight of painfully familiar purple locks traveling down the other end of the hallway ( heejin isn't sure what she wants more— to see younger now, or wait for a better time. her confusion had only grown the longer things seemed to drag out, but that doesn't stop her from wanting to keep a watchful eye out for signs between bathroom and water breaks ).

     heejin shakes her head gently. she needed to stay focused— for now, her private life could take the backseat.

     what couldn't be put off any longer, however, was minho. for as early of a bird as heejin tended to be, it had surprised her when she'd heard he had shown up before her and kyulkyung, waiting patiently for them in their borrowed, shared practice room. she was happy, though, taking his early eagerness as his determination to do well and practice hard. it was something she was inspired by, a quality she couldn't help but feel admiration for, and it only reaffirmed what heejin already knew— she had good partners.

     just as they had already proven themselves to be good to her, she would prove to be just as good to them. they deserved that much from her, if not, more.

                                                                      ♡

     from the very moment they properly begin their practices, there's no shortage of enjoyment.

     the earliest incident? walking in on minho all done up in his fanciest clown wig— it had been quite the sight to see so early in the morning, heejins eyes still puffy out of dwindling tiredness, and for a moment she'd thought she'd been dreaming. it had only been once her pink-haired companion addressed it as well that she realized it was real.

     her eyes had widened considerably, any semblance of sleepiness gone from her body, brows raising in question, and it's all she can do to fight the giggles that threaten to leave her. she can only vaguely process the other girls' words, barely latching on to her question ( how long have you been sitting there like that? a valid question, one heejin wanted the answer to as well ) before she finally lets a laugh out.

     "you're an interesting guy..." is all she can say as she'd set her bag off to the side, casting a glance at herself in the wall mirror, and it isn't long until they start.

     as time goes on, heejin finds herself warming up more and more to the reality of cameras following their every move.

     it's different, more uncomfortable at first, knowing anything they did, any interactions ( good or bad ) within their own group or the other trio they were made to share with would be recorded and possibly shown to the public. she's not sure what to do, where to look, how to speak— before, when everything was recorded on-site, it was easier to prepare herself beforehand, to get herself into a certain mindset and put on the best image of herself. now, there's none of that.

     there are no breaks, no timeouts to recollect and strengthen the mask. no, now was the time for blunt honesty, a time for viewers to see everything that goes on behind the scene.

     she's the most plain she's ever been, makeup-less, hair thrown up into a loose ponytail for as much comfort and ease as possible, oversized comfy clothes finishing the look, and it's certainly the softest version of herself the public could ever hope to see ( she's sure that, had she worn her glasses instead of contacts, that would have added only to the image, but glasses would have been too inconvenient for now ).

     but, as time goes on, the cameras seem to fade into the background.

     they become an afterthought within the rooms pleasant, hardworking atmosphere— it shocks her, then, when her hair is all messed up thanks to some experimentation with props, that minho and kyulkung act as shields, keeping her new and odd look out of shot, helping her fix herself, and heejin can't help but laugh the whole time.

     running her hands through her hair as she finished fixing herself, makeshift goggles still in hand, heejin can't help the smile that persists her on her lips at the olders actions, and it's then she thinks they aren't just good anymore— she thinks they’re amazing.

                                                                      ♡

     sat between her partners comfortably, heejin can't help but feel excitement creep up her spine. she's restless, both eager to perform and nervous for everyone to see what it is the three of them have come up with. it's weird, her foot tapping to a gentle, silent rhythm as she waits, eyes seeing ( but not really picking up ) others take the stage and show off what it is they've prepared— for as long as she could remember, heejin had never found herself letting her nerves wind her up this much, but the longer she thinks, the more it all makes sense.

     it's nothing like what she's done on the show before, nothing like what she's done ever, a performance she would have never thought of doing on her own.

     despite this, though, she's happy— happy that her team had been able to come up with something so fun, while also managing to balance out different ways in which they'd all shine while sharing the stage.

     letting her eyes fall on the two separately as their names are called up to the stage, heejin wholeheartedly believes that, regardless of her nerves ( regardless of if they also felt nervous ), they would do well.

     taking the stage, their voices ring clearly as they give introductions. "hello! we are the royal court!"

     once they're given their queue to begin, they take their positions, and as heejin settles herself before the makeshift vr headset that had caused such a funny ruckus during practices, their track begins.

     the performance is a rush, one full of fun and expert timing, and by the time it ends, heejin no longer feels the nerves she'd had before the start. no, all she feels is satisfaction, gratitude towards the other two who stand on stage with her, having given it their all to ensure nothing but the best was shown on stage. reflecting, she can say she'd given it her all as well— when it came to her vocals, there was nothing for her to really worry about, her voice having been strong and stable, just as it always was. her biggest worry had been more towards the end.

     dance had never been her forte, but she could only hope her pleasant attempts were recognized.

     it's with a wide smile and heavy breathes that she exits the stage.

[julystorms]

Hello! How do you think the Survey Corps handle unplanned pregnancies within their ranks? Especially, let’s say, if they are people with positions— like squad leaders. I really wanna know your thoughts on this :D

Sorry, I promise I wasn’t ignoring your first ask! I just wantedto find the time to respond properly. For the longest time I had a drafted metapost about this topic (“Pregnancy & Disability in the Survey Corps”) that Ioccasionally added to when I had a thought. I think I deleted it when I purgedmy drafts, though. Oops!

I definitely have a lot of thoughts on the topic. This is a really long post; there are a lot of things to consider with a question like this!

Let me start by saying this: I feel that strong worldbuilding isprimarily a result of consistency. I know SnK’s worldbuilding is, overall,rather weak, but there’s no reason we as creators can’t force consistency intoour own narrative explorations of that world! A consistent set of rules for thecharacters to operate under make for a better experience overall, not just inthe canon, but also for readers/viewers of fanworks. You can always switch thingsup for fun, but I personally like to have one particular set of rules that I useby default. It makes it easier for me as a writer to sink down into the storyand portray it without having to think too hard about every little detail as Igo.

One of the most interestingthings about SnK is that it portrays a sexist world but still allows women intothe ranks of its military branches—all three of them. However, we generallydon’t see women in positions of power: there are no female government members,no powerful merchants, no notable members of the aristocracy, and no confirmedtop female officers*.

*Rico is the closest we get,but she doesn’t seem any higher-ranked than Ian or Mitabi were, and is clearly outrankedby Kitz, so she doesn’t count. Hange is the only POSSIBLE high-ranked femaleofficer in the entire series, but “possible” =/= “actual” so again, no-go.

Boris accuses Hitch of(essentially) using her femininity in an underhanded way to get into the MP; asI’ve said before, we don’t know if he’s right or if he’s just trying to be anasshole because he doesn’t like Hitch, but I think it’s fair to say that thiskind of misogyny is something that women in SnK’s military face on the regular,especially if they perform on par with male classmates. Hell, this is somethingwomen who work in male dominated fields face daily in our world. It doesn’t surprise me. Isayama’s not portraying autopia with this series, after all. But it’s clear he didn’t put a lot ofthought into the little things: like sexism/misogyny in the military and how itwould clearly impact the lives of the girls and young women who enlist.

I don’t think it makessense to say: SnK’s world is 100% reliable and the narration we receive is 100%credible. We don’t see what happens to our female characters behind-the-scenes.We don’t see if they’re treated differently by their instructors, teachers,trainers—in front of peers or alone. We don’t see if any of them werepropositioned for sex or other favors. We don’t know that team leaders in theSurvey Corps, Military Police, and Garrison don’t abuse their positions of relativepower over new recruits. We have to assume that in an imperfect and clearly sexistworld, these kinds of things do happen, and some people aren’t left with a lotof choice as to how to deal with it. What would Hitch be able to do if hercommanding officer (Eibringer IIRC) propositioned her or touched her or [insertother possibilities here]? Who is she going to tell? Will they believe her? Andwhat are the chances that saying something would tank her career in the MP? Shedid all that work to get into the MP; would she risk doing something now that might get it taken away again? Yeah, saying nothing means putting up with abuse, but if she doesn’t disturb thewater, so to speak, she’ll have a long career that pays well ahead of her—somethingmost people on Paradis don’t get to have. These are the little details thatweren’t considered but do mean agreat deal when you’re writing about the daily ins and outs of the world thesecharacters live in.

Which brings me topregnancy, sex, and all related topics. I’ve seen writers use various kinds oftea as “birth control.” I’ve seen authors use oral sex or the pull-out methodto try and avoid the possibility of pregnancy. Some characters track theircycle (assuming for them it’s reliable enough to be tracked) as a form of birthcontrol. And look, all of these are perfectly valid and all are very likelyused in the world of SnK. Not all of them work. There may not be many herbalremedies that are effective; there may not be many that are readily or cheaplyavailable. These are the things to think about. Just because someone claims itworks doesn’t mean it does. The characters have to contend with that!

And because no methodexcept abstinence is 100% effective, some characters are going to get pregnant—andnot just in the Survey Corps.

This world is sexist. Youhave to consider whether or not the Garrison or MP would allow for pregnantsoldiers to stay enlisted and you have to think about what would happen after ababy was born. Think carefully. Yes, it seems feasible to work and raise achild, especially on the Military Police’s paygrade. But would it be allowed? Again, we don’t see hardly any femalecharacters in a position of power, and the ones we do see aren’t shown to bemarried or have children.

Think, too, about thepopulation, and about the world’s belief that humanity is going extinct insidethe walls. All of these things affect the mindset of the general population:how they feel about women, what they feel a woman’s job/place in the world is,and so on. Notice that in background shots, you see women carrying babies,groceries, with their children, and always wearing skirts. Chances are, womenare wives, daughters, housekeepers, and babymakers first and foremost, andworking women (women who don’t have a choice and/or are yet unmarried) do “lowerwork” and probably not for much money (laundry for better-off folks, shellingnuts, simple factory tasks, sewing/darning, waitressing, prostitution).

All right, so…with these considerationsin mind, let’s talk about pregnancy.

There’s a lot to thinkabout when it comes to someone in the military of SnK’s world getting pregnant.Is it considered shameful to get pregnant out of wedlock? Seems kind of thatway, re: Historia’s awful mother and cheating father. Nobody blinks an eye atmen having affairs but women are another story. What are their optionsregarding birth? Are midwives easy to find? Doctors who can make a differentsure seem rare (re: Grisha showing up and magically being able to help people;Ragako Village letting some quack come in and inject them all without oncequestioning it)! Midwives who are trained and experienced? Expensive andprobably not easy to come by. You’re probably going to be stuck with anotherwoman who has given birth before helping you out, and if something out of the ordinaryhappens, you or your baby could die. Because of this, abortion may be anoption, but what kinds of choices do these people have? The old coat-hangerroutine (that can easily end with death when the bleeding doesn’t stop and isextremely painful)? Herbal remedies that might have side-effects that you can’thide/that may spell the end for your career?

If we assume that pregnancyand childbirth are a free pass out of the military, it will be abused. Therehave to be measures in place that would make a person want to avoid pregnancy.Is it a dishonorable discharge? Do you have to pay a fee? Do you have to givethe baby up for adoption? These sorts of things would discourage a lot ofpeople who might otherwise benefit from having a baby. The Survey Corps alsohas a built-in discouragement: your lover dying and leaving you alone with ababy to raise. But then, what’s to stop them from crippling themselves to getout? It wouldn’t be that hard to drive a sword through your own foot and makeit look like an accident. (No doubt doing this on purpose is treasonous andpunishable by death, just like running away/disobeying orders if doing soyields bad results.) The only way to keep that in check is to assume that itwould be hard for them to find work if they were too disabled. Maybe for somepeople it would be worth it, but others…not so much.

Being realistic, losingyour post in the Military Police would be discouragement enough; characterslike Hitch who are young and wanted very much to get in and stay in are likelyto avoid pregnancy like hell; any man who got her pregnant could deny it andwhat recourse would she have if he refused to acknowledge her and help her? Theydon’t have paternal testing in this world. And she’s not a high-rankedrespected member of the military: she’d be out of a job with two mouths to feedand no experience in anything but military training! That’s terrifying. In manyways, that serves as its own form of birth control. (But we can’t pretend thatmen don’t abuse their positions of power in the military and push themselves onwomen anyway. We can’t pretend that characters like Hitch can always say no and have that norespected. She’s going to be thought of as disposable to many people.)

The Garrison is a littlebit more interesting. They’re not hurting for soldiers, so if a few women hereand there decide to get pregnant and leave the military, there will be plentyof replacements to take their places. It’s possible that the Garrison forcesyou to quit but it’s not looked on so poorly. It’s also possible that if you’rerespected or liked enough, or you know the right people, you might be allowedto keep working doing administrative work. Hey, being a paper-pusher might notpay as well as scouting on top of the walls or cleaning artillery, but at leastit’s work if you need it. And if you’re single: you will. Plus, since yourstation is permanent, you could have your parents move in with you to help withthe kid and maintain a full-time job without too many issues. Hell, because it’snot so terrible a crime, or even a crime at all, you can probably speedily getmarried and avoid too much gossip. (That’s not to say that people aren’t kickedright out of the Garrison for getting pregnant, but there’s probably more roomfor the well-liked and hard-working individuals to stay on after giving birth.The MP are elites and may view pregnancy out of wedlock (possibly also workingwives) as imperfect and therefore not okay. Garrison soldiers are not elitesand don’t have those kinds of delusions or grand appearances to keep up.

That brings me to theSurvey Corps. How many people join only to regret it a few months later? A babyseems a small price to pay compared to being eaten by a titan, trampled, orworse, mangled so badly you’re permanently disabled & discharged from themilitary—left with no way to care for yourself (except to maybe rely onrelatives if you have any to take care of you). Like I said earlier, if havinga baby was a free ticket out of the Survey Corps, people would be trying for iton purpose. There must be rules in place: dishonorable discharge,fraternization rules with stiff penalties, a steep fee you have to pay toleave, you’re forced to stay in the military and give up the baby for adoption.One or several of these would work well.

That said, giving up a babyfor adoption seems fine, but this is a world where the population is both “toosmall” and “way too big” (ugh…). It makes sense in its own way, but there areprobably tons of homeless children out there like Eren, Mikasa, and Armin, who didn’t join the military. There areprobably lots of young women in poverty with babies they can’t take care of,dropping them off at churches and on the porches of slightly better off people—maybeeven at military HQ buildings. That makes that option feel…a lot less likelyIMO.

I want to look at anexample. Let’s say Nanaba and Mike are in a relationship and she finds out thatshe’s pregnant. Now, Mike’s a decent person, right? He won’t deny his role inNanaba’s pregnancy. In that way, she’s luckier than some women would be, butshe still has to tell him, still has to deal with his reaction. It’s her bodybut her options kind of all suck, so it might be nice for her to discuss itwith him and get his opinion, too. How far along does she think she is, howsafe are abortion methods, would she be comfortable aborting, what are theside-effects of trying something like that—arethe risks worth it? If they are, she has to try one of them, and theoutcome could be: hey, she can return to work in a few days (everyone probablyknows why she wasn’t around, tbh). It could also just as easily be: she triesto return to work and can’t due to side-effects of an herbal remedy or becauseher body is too weak, or she hemorrhages and dies within 24 hours, or she doesreturn to work but the side-effects linger and cause her death on an expedition—orworse, they cause someone else’s death.

So maybe she decides tokeep the baby. Mike cares about her, he won’t abandon her to raise a baby alonewith no help, but where is she going to live? With her parent(s)? His? Alone?What if neither of them have living parents? Or, as portrayed in the anime,what if her parent(s) are abusive? Is she going to take her baby back to aplace like that? Does she have much of a choice?

Maybe she does. Maybe Mike’sparents will be happy to have her live with them. Mike can send them money. Heonly gets furlough at most 4x a year so they get to see each other a few timesa year for a few days/a week. This could depend on how far away they live, somaybe Mike uses some savings to move them closer so that visiting can happen onweekends or afternoons off. Cool. Great.

If Mike is 40, his parentsare likely to be 60+ years old and maybe not in the greatest health. This worlddoesn’t exactly allow for easy aging, you know. Are they working? Is Mikepaying all the bills himself? Well, what’ll happen when Mike eventually dies oris hurt so badly he can’t fight anymore and is sent home to die or lay arounduselessly?

Nanaba has to sit at homeand think about that kind of stuff. What if Mike dies? She can’t help him, can’tbe there for him; she’s just at home waiting for the news. It’s possible he’lldie before their kid is very old and won’t remember him at all. How are thebills going to be paid? Are his parents capable of watching the kid if Nanabahas to try and go to work herself?

It’s scary no matter howyou slice it.

And that’s not includingthe potential dishonorable discharge, payment of a high fee for leaving, andpossibly even a paycut for the remaining spouse if they fess up to their rolein it (all of which make raising a baby even more difficult).

You would think thispotential future (or worse, depending on circumstance) would promote abstinence(or at least methods of sex that have no chance for pregnancy)—and it probablydoes…but not in everyone. A lot of people enjoy sex, and mistakes happen; somepeople may just get carried away but others may have too much to drink or lackthe foresight to consider what may happen to them if they do get pregnant.

The problem here is that it’swomen who primarily suffer the consequences of a pregnancy. It’s women who losetheir position in the military. It’s women who can be pushed around or abusedby male peers or superior officers and women who won’t be trusted or believedif they complain. And it sucks, but in the world we’re presented with in the canon…itfits. And it leaves us to wonder how many women this happens to. How many arepassed over for promotion because they’re women (and considered likely toleave/want to leave/or less-than their male counterparts)?

It really makes you think!

I know I didn’t give you adefinitive answer to your question, anon, but I hope that there was enoughspeculation here to help you come up with your own headcanons (while alsogiving you a good idea of what mine might be). ;)

The usual disclaimer: IMO, YMMV, et cetera and so on.

To add, I didn’t really talk a whole lot about pregnancies as a product of rape or of a loving relationship where the man denies his part in it, but a lot of the same things apply. 

Lastly, I don’t want readers to think that men can get away with anything in the SnK world; I don’t actually think that’s the case. But like in our own world, a patriarchal society makes it hard for women to feel safe speaking up, with the result being that very few women do. The problem with SnK is that there aren’t many ways to prove that what you’re saying is true; if you say you’re pregnant, you can’t prove who the father is unless by some miracle that baby comes out looking like them (and that would truly be a mixed blessing anyway). If you’re not a respected officer who will believe you? If you’re accusing a respected officer, or worse, accusing someone who is married with children already, do you think anybody will be on your side? I do think some men are caught in the act, or there is proof of some kind (love letters clearly written  by them); sometimes they’re even brought to court and prosecuted for crimes and fired or sent to jail or fined (and forced to pay some compensation to the mother-to-be in the case of a child). But how often do these things end in favor of the women involved? Probably not often. With rape it’s: “Boys will be boys.” “What were you wearing?” “Well you can’t blame him... you’re a healthy, attractive young woman.” How many women say something and are faced with these kinds of things? In court, even? Women still hear some of these things today. In a modern society. And with men who would choose to run from their responsibilities instead of facing them like an adult, the women involved still have to deal with the emotional betrayal and all of the other fallout. 

It’d be kind of silly to imagine that a fantasy world that clearly functions as a patriarchal society wouldn’t be almost exactly the same in this regard.

[unorthodoxsavvy]

Phandom Reverse Bang Story

Summary: Dan is stuck taking his little brother to Vidcon where he doesn’t know anyone, nor any of the creators, but taking his brother’s advice to heart, he sets off to catch “Amazingphil”’s panel. By some stroke of luck, he runs into Martyn, who offers Dan a behind-the-scenes look at the YouTube sensation. What Dan doesn’t know is that the Lester brothers have their own agenda- an agenda that just might change Dan’s life.

Read it on Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/501228030-unorthodoxsavvy%27s-reverse-phandom-bang-story-2017

Artist Art coming soon (hopefully)

Link to Phandom Reverse Bang: https://phandomreversebang.tumblr.com/

Being stuck as the one who had to take his little brother to Playlist Live had it’s pros and cons for Dan.

For one thing, he was going to a convention for cheaper than he would have on his own, since his parents had paid for both their plane tickets. Another perk was that he would hopefully be able to meet some new people that were somewhat similar to him. After high school, he’d lost any “friends” he’d had, and the people at Uni just weren’t comparing. At least most people left him alone, though. That was something.

Some drawbacks, however, were the fact he still had to pay for his ticket to this thing, and bring spending money for food and in case his little brother ran out. All money he could have been spending on school supplies. Plus the fact he wasn’t even a fan of YouTube.

“You’ll like it if you just give it a try!” Harvey had told him when it had been confirmed it was Dan taking his brother out of the country.

“I don’t have time to, I have to study for a degree,” Dan said, though the words sounded like a lie.

Dan still questioned if he was doing the right thing for himself, but if it wasn’t studying for a degree, what was it?

Even the YouTuber Harvey had told Dan he might get along with had a degree or two up his sleeve.

His name was AmazingPhil- well, his “YouTuber” name. He was a few years older than Dan, and from England as well.

“Just give him a try,” Harvey had begged. Dan didn’t though. It wasn’t out of disrespect to his little brother, who only wanted to be closer to him. It was out of stubbornness for something else.

But here Dan was, in a world he didn’t understand, hoping to find something to do while Harvey waited in line for Smosh. At least that name Dan recognized. The rest were names he had only heard from his brother’s mouth.

So what to do? Dan stood against one wall of the show room, glancing at the battery on his phone, which was swiftly dropping.

Either he could cling to the last bits of life on his phone, and then be left without it, stranded, or he could change his mindset, and actually go find something to do. After all, these panels and things couldn’t be boring if so many people traveled all this way to see them, right?

Dan heard his little brother’s voice in his head once again. “Just give it a try”. He was here, he had nothing to do, so he might as well try. AmazingPhil, right? Dan glanced at the map. Oh no, Dan thought to himself. His panel was going on right now. Dan quickly weaved his way over to the show-room door, but it was closed tight. Seriously? They can’t make this a come-and-go-as-you-please thing? These people must’ve been really uptight.

A guy was stood next to the door, and Dan flushed in embarrassment.

“Trying to get in?” the man asked in a thick northern accent.

Dan nodded sheepishly.

“Are you a fan?”

Dan shrugged. “Not really, actually. My little brother just said this guy was really good, and that I would like him. I wouldn’t know, though. I didn’t have time to watch any of his videos.”

“Why not?” the man asked.

Dan flicked his eyes away and thought of his so-called reasons. That he was studying. That he needed a degree. That this was where he was meant to be. And so that was what he said.

“Huh.” The man eyed him, his expression changing-hardening?

Dan felt the weight of everything on him all at once. The weight never left, but sometimes it was heavier.

The man’s expression changed again, to something of-sympathy?

“If you’re really interested, come with me,” he said, turning, but not quick enough to hide his smirk at being able to use such a smooth line.

He started walking down the hall to the next door on the right, labeled “Staff Only”.

Dan felt his face heat and flush again and started to finger the bracelet he had on. “Staff Only”? But he wasn’t staff. And what if this man wasn’t staff? And what if someone found them? What if when they found them they kicked them both out? How was he going to get to his brother Harvey? Sure, he could tell them that he had to get his brother, but what if they thought it was just a cop-out? What if-

Dan forced himself to take a deep breath as he passed into the dark depths that laid behind the door.

“So you know this AmazingPhil guy, yeah?” he asked, keeping his voice low in the all-encompassing silence.

The man, however, gave a hearty laugh. “Know him? Well, I should hope so! I had to grow up with the twat! But for real, he’s not a bad guy. He deserves all these fans and more,” he said, sweeping his arms in a motion to gesture all the fans they were about to see.

“Oh.”

“I’m really proud of him, for putting himself out here, you know. Taking a chance. This is what he really wants to do. I don’t think he could do anything else.”

Dan felt like the man was maybe trying to hint at something, but he put it down to his overactive, anxiety-ridden imagination jumping to conclusions. He felt the cords intertwining in his bracelet carefully, and then dropped his fingers from it.

“Where are you taking me?” he finally asked.

“Someplace you might be able to get some perspective on things.”

Okay, so not over-reacting.

The man, Phil’s brother, whose name Dan didn’t even know yet, put a finger to his lips as he opened a door impossibly quiet.

The sound of a guy’s voice struck Dan immediately.

“So, yeah, that’s just how I got started. Enough of that boring stuff,” he chuckled with a shrug, as if it were nothing, and the laughter of a few hundred people came at Dan seemingly like a freight train. He gasped, forgetting the brother’s warning.

The man on stage’s eyes flicked to the side of the stage for a second, but it was almost imperceptible. Dan felt his stomach clench with anxiety.

“Instead, let’s talk about you guys. This is for all of you. This convention, this panel-everything. None of this would be possible without all you dedicated viewers. Whether you’re here ‘cause you got nothing better to do, or you’re a fan-thank you from the bottom of my heart. You all deserve warm, cuddly badgers under your bed tonight.”

Dan thought that was kind of a weird thing to wish for, but he let it slide.

The panel was going to be over soon, but from what he was seeing, Dan was enjoying it. No wonder this guy had so many followers. He was just so- unique. His personality didn’t seem to have any barriers. He was in tune with himself, and he was unapologetic about who he was. Dan couldn’t relate.

Another thing that struck Dan was how his features were startlingly contrasting, much like Snow White, with the pale skin, raven hair, and her original blue eyes. His lips weren’t as deep red as the Disney Princess’ were made out to be, but they were noticeable.

The crowd was simply eating him up. It was nothing like Dan had ever experienced. So many people at once, so many people happy, and feeling connected, at once. Only he didn’t feel connected to them.

All too soon the panel ended, with Phil announcing to the audience he’d be doing his meet-and-greet outside the hall in ten minutes. The crowd cheered and roared, and Phil got a standing ovation from his dedicated fans and viewers. It reminded Dan of his theatre days, though they had never been clapping solely for him and something he had built himself.

Phil hopped off his stool as the crowd filed out the door that Dan had been trying to get in, and made his way over everyone in the stage wing.

“Oi, Martyn!” he exclaimed as he hurried over to his brother. They shared a handshake before Phil turned to Dan.

“Who’s this?”

Dan felt himself blush yet again, and figured that it was just commonplace at this point.

“This is- geeze, I didn’t even get your name dude, sorry,” the guy, Martyn, chuckled, fixing his hat.

“Dan,” he mumbled.

“Dan? Cheers! What’s up?” Phil smiled, passing his microphone off to someone. Dan liked the way his name sounded when Phil said it.

“I, uh, just came to check you out, Imeancomewatchyourstageshow,” Dan rushed out at his seemingly-embarrassing word choices. Phil didn’t seem phased, however, or was at least good at hiding it, probably the later, Dan figured, and moved on.

“So are you a fan?”

“No, but my brother is. He said I’d like you. I’m sure he’d like to come meet you, but he’s in line for Smosh at the moment.”

“Well, if you’re really interested, come to my meet-and-greet, and we can talk more!”

Phil started to make his way past Martyn and Dan, and Dan went to follow, but Martyn grabbed ahold of his arm.

“Wait until the crowd has died down to get in line. You’ll have more time to talk to him that way. If a fan comes up to meet him, just wait for him on the side.”

Dan nodded, but refrained from asking Martyn why he was helping Dan to meet this guy so much.

Dan exited through the “Staff Only” door and back into the showroom where he could see a queue forming to the side of Phil, who was standing in front of some kind of curtain or something with little logos all over it. As he passed, he heard the girl talking to Phil introduce herself as Cami, and tell him that she had drawn some fanart for him, which she handed to Phil.

Phil met eyes with Dan, gave him a quick grin, and turned his attention back to the young girl, engrossing himself in a genuine conversation with her, before she got his signature and another hug and moved on.

*-*-*-*-*

Dan walked around for a little bit, but never strayed far from where he could keep an eye on Phil’s queue. Eventually, at the last five minute of his meet-and-greet section, there was only one fan left, so Dan made his way over to Phil.

“Hullo, Dan!” Phil smiled at him, thick northern accent sounding like his brother’s.

“Hi, uh...”

“You can just call me Phil, haha,” Phil provided, sensing what it was that Dan was stumbling over.

“Thanks, Phil.”

“So, you said you’re not a fan, but you want to be?”

“Yeah, I guess,” he mumbled, playing with his bracelet again.

“That’s really nice of you,” Phil smiled at him in a way that no one had for ages.

“Yeah, I guess,” he said, then worried that he sounded narcissistic, so said thank you again.

“So, what are you up to in life? Graduated from high school?”

“Yeah,” Dan chuckled, “I’m in Uni.”

“Ooh!” Phil exclaimed. “Studying what?”

“Uh, law,” Dan said, and Phil’s expression kind of… froze… in place.

“That’s cool,” he said, but it didn’t sound as happy. Maybe Dan was overthinking again.

“Well, I hope you got a little taste of what I do,” Phil said, awkwardly shuffling his feet with a smile that felt plastered on.

“Yeah, uh, I guess,” Dan said, immediately regretting it yet again. Can’t you just form proper sentences that don’t make you sound like an arse? He fiddled with his bracelet quicker as his heartbeat picked up.

Phil seemed to jump on his words though. “Well, if you feel like you still haven’t had the full experience, there’s going to be a YouTube party tonight! And all YouTubers are allowed to bring up to three guests.”

“Oh, okay. Cool,” Dan responded, not wanting to assume that this was Phil inviting him until Phil explicitly said so.

“So I was wondering if you wanted to be my third guest?” Phil asked hopefully.

Oh. So he was already taking a few other friends. Dan was probably going to just be sat in a corner then.

“My other two guests are Martyn and his friend,” Phil said, almost as if he was reading Dan’s mind. “Martyn practically has his own set of friends at these things.”

“That’s cool,” Dan said. He was really excited to go. Dan hadn’t been invited to a party since going to someone’s Sweet Sixteen. But he had Harvey to think about. He couldn’t leave his little brother in a hotel room.

He expressed this to Phil.

“Ah, right,” Phil agreed, crestfallen. “Well, here’s my number. Just to, uh, keep in touch, or whatever, if you want,” he said, scribbling his number on Dan’s hand like some sort of 80s romance movie. His hands were soft, Dan noticed, and it was such an out-of-place thought in his head. He tried his best to ignore it.

“T-thanks,” he said.

Phil looked at the time. “Well, Meet and Greet’s officially over, so I’ll have to be going now. Hug?” Phil chuckled.

Dan shrugged, not knowing how to say “no, I’m good thanks, you’re really intimidating even though you’re really nice,” and gave Phil one of the most awkward hugs he’d ever given and received.

*-*-*-*-*

“Who’s phone number is that on your hand?” Harvey asked in between talking about everything he’s experienced that day on the ride to the hotel in an American taxi.

The taxi pulled up to the hotel and they got out.

“It’s AmazingPhil’s.”

“YOU GOT AMAZINGPHIL’S PHONE NUMBER?” Harvey practically screeched, and Dan quickly dragged him through the hotel’s revolving door to prevent any fangirls of Phil’s that might have been lurking to ambush them.

“Yeah, he invited me to the YouTube party that all the creators are having tonight.”

“You’re picking up the lingo,” Harvey joked before asking excitedly if Dan was going.

“Of course not. I have to watch you,” he said.

Harvey’s face fell for a second, and then lit up again.

“Wait! I made a friend in line for Smosh that is staying in the same hotel as us who wanted to hang out tonight! His dad offered to chaperone! So I can go hang out in their hotel room, and you can go to the party!” Harvey smiled.

“I don’t know, Harvey, I’d have to meet this guy,” Dan replied, playing with his bracelet.

“That’s fine,” Harvey said, “They left early, so they should be back already. Besides, do you know how many YouTuber signatures you could get me?”

Dan chuckled, ruffling up his little brother’s hair.

“Alright, we’ll see,” Dan said, but in his head, he was really excited that things had worked out this way.

*-*-*-*-*

“So?”

“He’s not coming,” Phil replied, flopping down on the couch Martyn and him were temporarily sharing in their hotel room.

“Oh,” Martyn replied, moving Phil’s legs and placing them on his lap as he sat down on the other end of the couch. “I’m sorry. Why not?”

“He has to watch his little brother.”

Martyn cursed himself under his breath. He should have thought of that. But Dan… Dan was the right one. He was sure of it.

“I’m sorry. Do try and enjoy yourself, though, yeah?”

Yeah, I’ll try, he thought to himself. Got to keep up appearances, after all.

Phil nodded glumly, arching his back to slide his phone, which had just gone off, from his back pocket.

There was a text from a number he didn’t recognize, but the few words he could see on the home screen read “Hey, it’s Dan.”

Phil’s heart pulled and he opened the text.

“Hey, he is coming!” Phil cheered.

“That’s awesome,” Martyn smiled, hiding his relief. “Are we going to meet him at his hotel?”

Phil hesitated.

“How’s this, I’ll go with my friends on my own since they all know how to get there, and you go meet this Dan fella?” Martyn suggested.

Phil smiled. “That’s a good idea.”

Martyn moved Phil’s legs again to stand up, and casually tossed “Don’t forget the roses and chocolate,” over his shoulder, giggling to himself.

*-*-*-*-*

Dan had agreed to meet Phil outside the hotel Harvey and him were staying in and take the taxi Phil had arrived in from there.

Dan shuffled his feet on the sidewalk outside the hotel where people passed in front of him occasionally.

He was dressed as best as he could manage with the clothes he had brought. Obviously he hadn’t brought anything too trashy, but he hadn’t expected to be going to a party, either. Especially not with people who were celebrities in their own rights. He went to reach for his bracelet, and then remembered he had taken it off.

He should have kept it on. Was it too late to go back for it?

Dan glanced at his phone, which he had charged up finally. Phil was two minutes late. But who knew when he would arrive, then?

He forced himself to calm his breathing.

A moment later, a taxi pulled up to the curb, and Phil moved over to the window in the back facing Dan and waved. A startlingly pale face framed by that dark hair of his. Anyone would agree he was simply stunning.

Dan danced in and out of the people on the sidewalk, or the pavement as he was used to calling it, and into the taxi. Phil had moved over to the seat he was sitting in before.

Dan realized Phil must’ve already told the taxi their final destination, because the taxi started pulling down the street without further instruction.

“I don’t think I could ever get used to riding on the other side of the road,” Phil joked to Dan.

“Yeah,” Dan agreed, turning back to look out the window, something he always found calming. Phil, for all his enthusiasm, did they same, and they spent the ride to the party in silence, until Dan could tell they were nearing.

“So, what’s the protocol for something like this?” Dan asked.

Phil glanced at him from the corner of his eye.

“Protocal? I don’t know. I just stand by the food usually, but you’ll end up mingling one way or another.”

Phil went back to focusing out his window, leaving Dan not at all reassured.

The taxi pulled up to the curb, and Phil paid for the fee in American money. Transferring currencies was such a pain, in Dan’s opinion, but he didn’t mention it to Phil.

He was mildly surprised when Phil looped his arm through Dan’s, but he went with it, being able to sense that the inside was noisy and crowded. His social anxiety was tingling.

“AmazingPhil, with my third guest. My first two guests should have arrived already, yeah?” Phil asked as they stepped up to the door.

The security guy smiled. “Martyn and his friend? You’re right, they did,” he agreed, checking something off on his clipboard. “You guys are good to go.”

Phil pulled Dan inside, where Dan was instantly overwhelmed.

The room blasted music, which people had to speak loudly over, or even shout to be heard. The lights were all a faint pinkish or purplish color, Dan couldn’t be quite sure. The furniture was chic and new-looking, and everything was super modern. Men and women with serving plates wandered in and out of the crowd with a natural grace Dan knew he could never attain, no matter how much he practiced. He tightened his grip on Phil’s arm and Phil placed his hand reassuringly on Dan’s arm.

“Let’s go over to the food,” he spoke loudly into Dan’s ear, something that would normally make Dan recoil, but not this time.

The food table was ever-so-slightly quieter, and Dan and Phil didn’t have to strain as much to be heard by each other.

“This probably isn’t the best setting to try to get to know someone,” Phil apologized, but Dan told him not to worry about it.

“So, about Uni, and your degree,” Phil started, and Dan felt his heart sink. He hated when people asked him about his degree, it made him feel like he had to hide, like he wasn’t good enough, like he-

“Do you like it? I mean, are you happy?”

“W-what?” Dan started, not expecting to be asked that.

Phil repeated himself, but more loudly.

“A-am I happy? Well, I don’t know. It’s something to do. It gives me a sense of purpose in life.”

Phil nodded, but didn’t press the issue any further. He couldn’t, actually, because at that moment someone came up to talk to them.

It was a woman, older than both of them, but with a genuine smile on her face and impeccable makeup and a stellar outfit.

“Philly!” she smiled, hugging him while they laughed together. “Hullo, Louis!” He smiled. The fashionista, Louis, pulled away from Phil and beamed at Dan. “And this must be the mysterious Dan!” she smiled, politely holding out her ring-clad hand for Dan to shake, which made her bangles jingle-jangle.

“Mysterious Dan?” Phil interjected with a smile, but a strained one. Both Dan and Louis could sense it, and Louis adapted accordingly.

“You didn’t think word wouldn’t have gotten out about the AmazingPhil himself picking up a kid that doesn’t even watch his videos to take under his wing, did you?”

“Take under my wing?” Phil exclaimed, his voice tight.

“Well, sure, that’s why you brought him, along, isn’t it?” she asked.

Phil’s mortified silence spoke more than actual words could have.

Louis smiled and patted his shoulder. “Not to worry, dear, we’ll help you sort this out.”

Phil nodded but didn’t say anything, instead clenching and unclenching his hands, not in an angry way, but as if he wished he had something to hold. Dan did too, if he was being honest with himself.

Together they weaved their way to a couch that had an empty end, free of party goers mingling. Louis excused herself to talk to other people, but promised she’d check in on them.

Dan huddled close to Phil, feeling extremely anxious.

“Is it true?” he asked the older boy, rubbing his wrist where his bracelet would have been.

“No. Maybe. I don’t know.”

Dan nodded, but didn’t quite understand.

“It’s true I was looking for someone, maybe to be in videos with me. A part-time partner I guess you can say. Also just a friend. But you’re in Uni. You’re busy.” Phil clenched his fists. “You’re busy with something that doesn’t even make you happy.”

It was true. Dan wasn’t happy at all. And he knew that Phil had seen right through him like no one else ever had, besides Martyn, so he didn’t bother trying to deny it anymore.

“Yeah.” he admitted. “I’m not. But what else is there to do?”

“This!” Phil exclaimed, using his hands fervently. “Look around you! People can get paid for this! People like me, and people like you.”

“People like me?” Dan scoffed, “I’m a wet towel.”

“Exactly!” Phil said, much to Dan’s surprise. “People like honest and awkward. It’s relatable. It’s constant. People can depend on it.”

Dan eyed Phil. “People can depend on other people’s anxiety?”

“Yes, because they can relate to it,” he smiled. “Dan, you can be the role model people need for following their dreams. Tell your story. Break out of your shell.”

“Are you suggesting I drop out of Uni to become a full-time internet hobo?” Dan asked, not even caring if he offended anyone anymore.

“Who said you had to drop out of Uni?” Phil asked.

“You, basically,” Dan pointed out slack-faced.

“Maybe you can switch degrees. Find something that makes you happy. I don’t know. But please, just try, for me?” Phil asked, his shiny eyes wide and innocent. Innocent? No, that wasn’t it. It was almost like… it was almost like Phil was begging Dan. He really wanted Dan to do what he did.

Dan leaned back on the red leather couch to put things in perspective. First he would need equipment, and he didn’t have a lot of money. Most people who started off didn’t, though, so that shouldn’t be too much of a problem. Second, he was going to need time to make and post videos. In theory that should be difficult, with the amount of coursework and studying that was expected of him. In reality he usually ended up playing video games alone in his room to try and relieve some of his constant stress and depression. Which did help. And making videos would be more useful than video games, he guessed.

Not to mention how happy Harvey would be. Right, he was supposed to be getting signatures for the kid. He pushed the thought out of his mind and went back to focusing on what being a YouTuber would mean for him.

It would be weird to film in his dorm where people could hear him. He’d have to find another place to film. He didn’t have any good ideas, so he moved onto something else.

He was going to need content. An intro video to start, and to dig up repressed memories to share to people on the internet.

Oh god. Sharing his fails with people on the internet?

He took a moment to ponder this, thinking about how he was already a fail in general. It probably wouldn’t be that much different honestly. But it was still scary.

And dropping out of Uni was almost as scary as being in Uni. But Phil was right. He wasn’t happy. Dan knew he had been kidding himself this whole time, but he didn’t know what else to do with his life. Admitting you have no idea what you want to do with yourself is not only scary but embarrassing, and Dan didn’t want to have to deal with that. He had felt for once he could actually get on top of things. Who makes fun of someone going to law school? But Dan really wasn’t cut out for it.

“If I drop out of Uni what then? My parents will probably kill me. I doubt they’d let me move back in, even though I still have a room at home.”

“I have a spare room in my apartment,” Phil offered. “I can pay for food for both of us and stuff for a few months while you get settled. If you want.”

Someone I met like seven hours ago is trying to convince me to drop out of Uni and move in with him, Dan thought to himself. But why?

“Maybe,” Dan said.

“Think about it, but let this influence your decision,” Phil told him, gesturing around them. “If I’m not convincing enough, talk to them.”

So that’s what Dan did. He’d been taking other people’s advice so far, and it had been working well, so the two of them went around and asked what people thought of Dan’s ideas for content and if he would be cut out to be a YouTuber.

Every single person they talked to said yes.

“See? It’s not just me!” Phil said at the end of the night.

Dan sighed. “I guess you’re right.”

“Yes, I know I am!” Phil smiled, calling them a cab from outside the building where they were waiting in the fresh night air.

Dan looked around. It suddenly hit him that their night was about to come to an end.

Phil noticed the look on Dan’s face.

“What time's your flight back tomorrow?” he asked cautiously.

“Not until four. Why?”

“Well, I was thinking maybe we could go somewhere else or something,” Phil suggested.

“Like where?” Dan asked.

“Well, we are in Orlando,” Phil smiled.

“And?”

“Have you ever heard of Downtown Disney?”

“Maybe?”

“Well, it’s a quaint little place I always liked better at night,” he smiled, and so when the taxi came, that was where he asked to go.

Pulling in revealed a world the likes of which Dan would have never imagined could’ve existed. Everything was Disney themed, even down to the lamp-post and the shapes of the bushes. It was a quaint town-like area on the waterfront, with many, many stores, and even a lego sea monster that was actually in the water.

“I’ve always wanted to ride a sea monster,” Phil mentioned casually as they walked by it. Dan wasn’t even surprised at this point. His face was alight at everything to be seen. Phil mentioned he’d visited often as a kid, and took Dan to all his favorite places. They went to a store that was filled with Disney merch and displays, and found an Christmas ornament store that had an entire room for Nightmare Before Christmas merch. Dan ended up buying a Jack Skellington sweatshirt and skeleton gloves that he mentioned reminded him of Frank Iero’s gloves, a reference he was happy Phil understood.

They went to Ghirardelli's and ordered themselves extremely fancy hot chocolates even though it was a warm summer night. The place was crowded inside, so they sat on the edge of a raised bed with a tree in the center, shoulders touching.

They went to the Lego store and built Legos together. Phil ended up making little Lego replicas of them. Dan was focused on making- well, he didn’t really know what he was making, when Phil shoved them underneath his face.

“They’re so cute! We have to get them!” he said, and Dan rolled his eyes, making sure Phil could see, but agreed, so that’s what they did.

“We should switch,” Phil suggested, “and so we’ll have something to remember each other by.”

“You think I’m going to forget about you?” Dan teased, and Phil blushed. Dan didn’t know he would take it so seriously.

“No, I just thought it would be nice to have something physical from the time we spent together,” Phil said quietly, and Dan thought the idea was appealing, so he offered his hand, in which Phil put his mini figure in, exchanging it for Dan’s. Their hands brushed again and Dan was reminded of how soft the older boy’s hands were.

“What now?” Dan asked, turning to hide his blush as they exited the store. It was almost midnight.

“Want to walk around a little more?” Phil asked. Dan shrugged. “Sure.”

Walking around, they came upon a little amphitheatre that was having a live DJ cranking up a dance party that Phil insisted they had to join. Families, teens, and awkward friends danced to the beat of a song, before they put on one that everyone knew the dance moves to, except Dan, of course, so Phil had to teach him.

“You thrust your hips out like this,” Phil said, hands on his hips, moving them around in a circle to the time of the beat.

“Is that so?” Dan joked, but realized what Phil was saying was true, and so followed along with everyone else. Watching Phil dance was amusing. He wasn’t really the most graceful person ever.

Phil noticed Dan looking, and repeated Dan’s thoughts aloud.

When the song was over, the DJ came onto his microphone. His message was not one that Dan wanted to hear.

“Now, just like your awkward senior prom, or for you youngsters, what will be  your senior prom, we’re going to slow things down for a song for those of you who have been requesting it, but after that we’ll be up and running with these beats again, I promise!”

A lot of the families cleared out with a chorus of moans and groans, but some parents and teens stayed.

Dan turned to go as well, but noticed Phil wasn’t following him.

Why wasn’t Phil-

Oh.

Oh.

The crushing weight of that singular word, and all its understanding fell on him like a ton of bricks, heavier that the stress of Uni had ever been.

Oh.

“I-” Phil started, looking like a deer in headlights. “W-we don’t have to. No, we probably shouldn’t. It’s late. We should call a cab. You have a flight to catch tomorrow, and I have things to do tomorrow, and it’s just silly-”

Dan started walking towards Phil and grabbed his hand to stop it from clenching and unclenching.

“It’s fine. Right? It’s fine,” he laughed shakily.

Phil laughed along with him.

Dan’s wrist itched where his bracelet should have been.

Dancing to the music, Phil went on a nerves-induced rant.

“It was stupid of me to ask something so big of you. I’m sorry. It was selfish, too. I just wanted someone to be in videos with me. I wanted a friend. And I told Martyn. I told him to keep an eye out. And he did, and I was glad to meet you. I didn’t actually expect it to work. People knew I was lonely, and I wanted a friend. Look how well Smosh does. So when Martyn said I had another guest coming, they must have assumed- well, that’s what people do. They assume. And I guess I assumed too. That you’d want to drop everything you’ve worked so hard for to chance it all on a sketchy career that involves showing yourself off, flaws and all, to everyone on the internet. Insane, right? You can’t just ask someone to do that for you. I’m stupid. You have your own life, and we should just be friends or something.”

Dan felt something pull at his gut in a way he didn’t like. His hand tightened on Phil’s hip. Just friends? After everything he had just accepted, after feeling like maybe he was onto something, after- just friends?

No.

“No.”

“No?”

“No. I’m going to do it. I’m going to drop out of Uni and move in with you.”

“W-what?”

“You’re right. I’m not happy. I’m miserable. I agreed to take my brother here hoping- praying- something would change. That I, I’d get a sign or something. Make a friend. Find out what it is that makes all these people happy to be here. To find clarity. To find a purpose. And even if YouTube doesn’t work out… well, it’s a start. Quitting and moving out is a start, and you’ve been kind enough to help me, because…”

Dan looked at his feet. He couldn’t say it. He wasn’t 100% sure, and he couldn’t say it.

“Because I like you,” Phil filled in.

“B-because you like me. And you know that I like you…”

“A lot.”

“Yeah.”

“Enough to agree to move in with me.”

“Enough to show me things from your childhood.”

“Enough to agree to slow-dance with me.”

“Enough to show me off to your friends.”

Phil’s grip on Dan’s hand tightened, and as the song ended, he dropped their hands to their side, and together they exited the small novelty town.

“When?” Dan asked, looking up from their hands where he had been staring at them in disbelief.

“When? As soon as possible. How soon can it be?”

“A week,” Dan said.

Phil gave him a joking pout.

“Five days. Four if you help.”

Phil released Dan’s hand to wrap his arms around his new partner in videos, crime, life, whatever in a hug.

“Yay!” he said excitedly. “We’re going to become super popular! I promise, things’ll work out!”

Dan giggled, something he hadn’t done in years, and hugged Phil back.

*-*-*-*-*

Five days later, Dan had a bed in Phil’s apartment, and an entire room to himself to go with it. He even ended up buying a matching duvet to Phil’s, and their rooms balanced out their personalities while keeping a common theme.

They enjoyed doing domestic necessities like shopping for groceries together, picking out clothes the other might like, and arguing about who has to do what chores when, as well as binge-watching shows together, competing in video games, and generally sharing more about each other and opening up about their past and their goals for the future.

Dan did end up becoming a rather successful YouTuber, and over time, he even passed Phil in number of subscribers, but Phil was never bitter about it. Instead, he was really happy that Dan had turned his life around for the better. In the years to come, they would make two more joint channels, a few tours, a few books, a whole lot of videos, and a lot of memories. They never confirmed nor denied their relationship, liking to keep their fans on their toes, much to the frustration of some of them. They grew together, laughed together, created together, and existed together. Of course they talked about their relationship with each other, but they decided not to really call it anything just yet.

They had all the time in the world as of now, and that was enough for them.

[quietthinker]

The Second Post

I am a writer. Always have been, always will be.

I belong to the small percentage of the population who get their thoughts across more easily through pen and paper or keyboard and screen than through verbal communication. The only time I find it easier to communicate verbally is when I have an intimate and very close relationship with the person I am talking to. But the story of verbal communication is for another time. The impressions I’ve had of inspiring people were what I’ve encountered today and will henceforth be the main subject of this page.

Going back to my impressions of blogging, I’ve managed to stumble across a Youtube video of a young girl who had just entered college. As I watched the video, I thought to myself, “How is it that a young girl not even in her 20′s had been able to set up a steady, stable YouTube vlog for herself?” As I scrolled through her past videos, my thoughts defaulted towards “Oh, she’s rich. That’s how”, and “She probably has A LOT of ideas in her head.” But then I remembered that even well-established vloggers and bloggers alike still had difficulty thinking about what kind of content they needed to put up on their site. They often had to ask their subscribers on what they wanted to see in their next post, or brainstormed with a couple of close friends and family ‘til an idea popped up and had birthed another smashing video.

As I looked further into the YouTube account, I saw that the girl didn’t really have a lot of viewers back then. Her posts seemed.... purely for fun and weren’t after anything in particular (even though we older people know better than that). I saw that she took the things that she was interested in or the things that happened in her life (which were a lot because her family travelled a lot), and created vlogs out of it. They weren’t so extravagant or specially or smartly thought out. They were just created as she went, filming bits of pieces here and there, catching memories-in-the-moment, and put them all together into a 15 to 22 minute vlog she could share with everyone.

I remembered seeing other people who shared how they started their own websites for their blogs and vlogs. Those that usually had the best, most natural content were those that took their time, knowing that their patience would pay off in the end. What all of them had in common were five things.

The first was that they had personalities that were very open to learning and trying out new things. Never mind if these trials were “for the vlog”. What was important there was that they were willing to step out of their comfort zone and expand their borders. If they were hesitant about it, they’d convince themselves that they’d either still do it in the long run or that they’d regret not doing it in the first place. They weren’t afraid to lose themselves in the indulgence and bliss of new environments and experiences because they knew they’d always find their way back one way or another. Those traits and mental mindsets were braveries on their own. Anybody able to do those could already be called as super humans.

The second was that they communicated with other people. This didn’t just mean asking them about their opinions whether an idea was good or bad or which option was the better among others. It also involved meeting new personalities, making memories with them, making them feel important and adding value to their lives by giving them entertainment or sharing perspectives or teaching each other new skills. They knew how to network, which is a skill that is never instilled into a person as a trait, but is a skill that can only be developed through practice and habit. New people didn’t intimidate them; it was the thought of being all high-strung and mighty that could intimidate others that kept these people on the ground.

The third was that they were passionate about what they did. Whether it was doing tech reviews or selling products to others or teaching or communicating with people or experiencing all the wonders the world had to offer, whatever they did, they made sure they enjoyed it and made the most out of their experiences. I’m sure behind the scenes they had to take a few deep breaths to gain the courage to face the challenge head on, but when they did, they did it with their heart on their sleeve and the goal to complete it straight ahead.

The fourth was that they didn’t give up when it came to roadblocks, or when they hit a wall in the next bit of content they would put up, or when they suffered with the dreaded “writer’s block”. They brainstormed with friends, both actively and passively. They took breaks to relax, recalibrate, and refocus on the reason why they started on their passion projects. They rested for a few moments, and got back up on their feet, whether they had a plan for their next move or not. They. Got. Back. Up.

The fifth, and which I consider the most important, was that they started. It was as simple as that. They started. They wanted to start a vlog? They started it. They wanted to learn how to sell products? They took a course, gained and practiced the skills, and started their project by applying those skills. They wanted to write a novel? They started with the storyboard and started writing Chapter 1. They’ve probably heard all the “You can’t do it”, “It’ll take time”, “Are you sure about this?” They probably weren’t too sure about something they wanted to invest their time, energy, and possibly money in, but they did it anyway because what they wanted to do was something they were sure they’d enjoy and be productive with.

Its these kinds of people that really get you going. Those with their feet on the ground, head on their necks, ideas soaring in the sky, and mind functioning at the pace at which they are most comfortable and happy with. Those who are able to truly live in their little projects, and be satisfied with. Their passion and gratefulness for the things they are doing makes me grateful for my ability to put my feelings into words to share with everybody who feels the same way as I do. A little lost and confused in the world, but knowing there’s a spark burning in you, waiting to be kindled and grow into a tinder, then a blaze.

[biofunmy]

Against Nihilism

Kate Ferro for BuzzFeed News

After a big breakup earlier this year — I was the one who ended things — I gave myself a lot of room to grieve in whatever ways felt good at the time. Ordering takeout for both lunch and dinner? Sure. Downing IPAs while watching women’s soccer at 10 in the morning? No problem. Draining my savings on weird funky clothing and yet another pair of clogs? You bet!!!

According to the tenets of modern pop feminism, I’m entitled to a certain amount of overindulgence because, as a hardworking woman, I’ve earned it. Everything from institutional sexism to harassment to heartbreak can supposedly be assuaged by a couple bottles of wine with a group of good girlfriends. The treacly “Treat yo self” mantra popularized on Parks and Recreation has enabled many a stressed-out woman to place that $800 Anthropologie order (you can always return most of it, right?). Life is hard and the world is on fire; maybe we deserve to indulge in some good old simple pleasures.

So what if wine is a carcinogen and the alcohol industry has actively worked to downplay the link between drinking and cancer? So what if fast fashion is built on exploitative labor and contributes to mass global pollution? So what if the concept of self-care — popularized by Audre Lorde, a black lesbian activist battling breast cancer — has been co-opted to sell us things we don’t need, things which indirectly harm others and might actually harm us in the end? We’ve earned it, ladies!

I’d like to think I don’t actively buy into the capitalist vision of self-care, even as I’ve thrown my money into its maw; at least, I don’t assume any sort of entitlement to feeling good via the accumulation of material things. More so, I just thought…fuck it.

A few months ago, drunk in the middle of the day, I impulse-bought a Juul at a bodega in downtown Manhattan. I’d been taking hits off my friends’ vapes for months, only after I’d had enough to drink that smoking became pleasurable instead of disgusting. That was the rule I’d used for myself previously with cigarettes: I could never buy my own, but if I was drunk, I could bum one or two or five. Actually owning a Juul, as much as I liked to think the vapor or whatever made them safer than my beloved Marlboro Lights, was definitely breaking the rules. But I’d reached a point where I no longer cared.

While other people were having their hot girl summers, I spent mine flirting with a sense of doom I haven’t experienced since I was a hope-starved teen. (Nihilism: It’s back in style, just like denim miniskirts!). And I’m not alone. Twitter offers a daily glut of jokes about the apocalypse; things have gotten so bad we’re begging for vaping or an asteroid or alien overlords to finally put us out of our misery. The novelist Jonathan Franzen published a (much-maligned) essay this past weekend about climate change, arguing that the oncoming disaster is impossible to mitigate and “we” can no longer pretend otherwise. (“Every day, instead of thinking about breakfast,” he wrote, we all “have to think about death.”) Reading recently about presidential candidate Andrew Yang’s dystopian vision of the future, I found myself dismayed, and thoroughly dragged, by Max Read’s description of a “doomer,” the archetypal internet memer who believes we’re all totally fucked: “a depressed, purposeless 20-something usually depicted smoking a cigarette and wearing a beanie.”

Okay, I’m not a doomer, but I have become somewhat fatalistic lately. With talk of another recession and the continued possibility of dying in a mass shooting or some sort of natural disaster, the scarcity mindset I’d developed as the child of a parent living paycheck to paycheck kicked back in again. Thanks to a few greedy corporations and crisis-denying national governments, climate catastrophe seems inevitable — no matter what personal choices I make about things like food or travel or children.

So why bother saving for the future if there isn’t even going to be a future? Why bother being kind to my body by taking it easy on the beer and potato skins when all the crap I consume might not catch up with me by the time that not-future comes to pass? No matter how I treated myself — and no matter what infinitesimal steps I took to be a better human citizen — we’d all end up in the same place in the end.

For a while during my “fuck it” summer, it felt great to be a mess, if only because of its implicit rejection of corporatized self-care’s evil twin: self-optimization. Since diets have become passé, we’ve entered a new era defined by “wellness,” but women are still expected to meet Eurocentric and patriarchal beauty standards — only, unlike with dieting, we’re now supposed to feel good about attempting to contort ourselves into socially acceptable bodies.

Fuck other people’s narrow ideas about the only right ways to live a good and happy life.

“Wellness” conjures images of Gwyneth Paltrow peddling hundreds of dollars’ worth of Goop vitamins and oils and crystals and juices to customers who, because they are not wealthy celebrities, will never look like Gwyneth Paltrow. Organic vegetables and private Pilates instructors are the provinces of rich people who have the time and money to optimize their bodies as if it’s their job (because it is). Fuck wellness! I thought, ordering chips and queso for the third time in a week. Fuck other people’s narrow ideas about the only right ways to live a good and happy life.

But was my life really better, or happier? I loved taking shots with my sister at my favorite dive bar, bonding in a way we sometimes struggle to when sober. But I hated that by the time we got home I was sobbing on the couch about our fraught relationship with our mother, some deep dark part of me ripped open and exposed to the unforgiving light. I loved the dopamine rush of confirming yet another online shopping order, but I hated having to return half the crap once it piled up in my bedroom. I hated hangovers, mountains of takeout containers, and the point at which my Juul would stop giving me a stream of little highs and instead just start making me sick.

Amazon Studios / Courtesy Everett Collection

Jillian Bell in Brittany Runs a Marathon.

Last weekend, I took myself on a date to the movies. I saw Brittany Runs a Marathon, which is the exact kind of movie I’ve been seeking out lately: funny, uplifting, and you know going in exactly what you’re getting. Keep your twist endings, Quentin Tarantino! I’ll watch the movie where the ending is literally spoiled by the film title.

Paul Downs Colaizzo’s indie movie, which won the Audience Award in the US Drama category at Sundance, stars Jillian Bell as the titular Brittany, a goofy twentysomething in a major life rut. A doctor tells her she has an unhealthy BMI (proven to be a bogus measure of a person’s health) and that she needs to lose 50 pounds. This leads Brittany — and Bell herself — to attempt to shed the weight of a “small Siberian husky” over the next year, at the end of which Brittany plans to run the New York City Marathon.

A movie about a woman trying to find fulfillment through weight loss sounds pretty out of step with our current cultural moment, when fat acceptance and body positivity have been gaining significant ground. Kate Browne in Runner’s World argues that the movie functions as “fitspo” by conveying to viewers that if you lose weight, you, too, can achieve your dreams. “The story we’re too often told about fatness and running,” she wrote, “is that body size is an obstacle to overcome in our quest for glory.” Madison Malone Kircher, in a piece for Vulture, made similar points: “In Brittany Runs a Marathon, being fat is portrayed as a starting point instead of just a state of being.”

I, too, would have preferred a movie in which Brittany ran a marathon after gaining back all the weight she initially lost while training — proving to herself, and to viewers, that she could do remarkable things at any size. Still, I think the film does complicate more straightforward and more explicitly anti-fat weight loss narratives in popular culture by making clear that personal fulfillment and a small waist aren’t inextricably intertwined.

Soon before she’s set to run her first marathon (spoilers ahead), Brittany pushes herself too hard in her attempt to lose her final 10 pounds; she deprives herself of food and ends up in the hospital with a stress fracture. She has to miss the race. While recovering, she’s much thinner but more miserable than ever. In the film’s cringiest scene, Brittany gets drunk and heckles a fat woman at her brother-in-law’s birthday party, refusing to believe that the woman’s “average” size partner could actually love and desire a fat person. At other moments, she makes jealous assumptions about a (thin) neighbor she doesn’t actually know; she begrudges a married friend his happy domesticity with his husband and children. The film suggests that Brittany’s main problem has never been her weight — it’s that she’s convinced all her woes have nothing to do with her own actions and that other people, in turn, don’t deserve their happiness.

Amazon Studios / Courtesy Everett Collection

Patch Darragh and Jillian Bell in Brittany Runs a Marathon.

At the end of the movie, when Brittany signs up for the marathon again the next year and actually makes it to the race — cheered on by friends she’d previously spurned — I cried. I cried because it was, yes, inspirational, but I was also moved by the way the story managed to explore personal autonomy and desire in a self-improvement narrative without discounting the significant role played by larger systemic forces.

No, Brittany shouldn’t have to lose weight to be treated with respect — but the material reality of her life is that, when she’s thinner, she’s actually “treated like a woman,” as she tells her soon-to-be boyfriend: People smile at her; they hold the door for her on the subway. No, it isn’t fair that the fancy gym she tries to join when she first decides to lose weight is cost prohibitive to so many people — but that doesn’t discount the fact that running, and other ways of moving one’s body, are completely free.

I cried because I’ve long resented all the pressure I feel to work out and eat “well” and drink less and sleep more. So much of that pressure comes from a world hellbent on optimizing our bodies and brains for workplace efficiency, for social acceptance, for conventional beauty standards, for “normalcy.” It’s pressure designed to make us believe the world will become less of a hellscape through mere personal effort, rather than structural change.

But what if we don’t make those choices (just) to make ourselves more palatable to the world around us? Yes, living “well” — if we’re financially and physically able — benefits The Man. That doesn’t change the fact that treating our bodies with respect and care might benefit us too.

When I first thought about quitting drinking, about a month ago, I read Sarah Hepola’s 2015 recovery memoir, Blackout: Remembering the Things I Drank to Forget. I sobbed through the last 50 pages. (Yes, I’ve been crying a lot lately.) She talks about how, even after she got sober, she still wasn’t taking care of herself: lots of takeout, not a lot of making the bed or hanging up her laundry.

I told myself this was OK, because our society was beyond warped in its expectations of women, who were tsunamied by messages of self-improvement, from teeth whiteners to self-tanners … I wanted to kick the whole world in the nuts and live the rest of my years in sweatpants that smelled vaguely like salami, because who really cares?

But then, after a while, Hepola realized: She cared. She realized she didn’t need to make her body and home feel and look better to please men, or because it was what she was “supposed” to do. “I should take care of myself because it made me happy,” she wrote.

After finishing the book, I wondered if, angry at the propagandist sham of American individualism and bootstraps meritocracy, I’d course-corrected a little too hard — giving up on trying to improve myself or the world around me.

Eddy Chen / HBO

Zendaya as Rue on Euphoria.

My nihilism was both political and personal. Politically, I’d become Chidi, the philosophy scholar on The Good Place, who ends up in Hell because of his ethical indecision. At one point, after grasping so desperately for moral purity and failing to find it, he gives up. “The world is empty,” he yells. “There is no point to anything. And you’re just gonna die. So do whatever!” Personally, I saw myself as Euphoria’s Rue (minus the hard drug-taking), who returns to her life of debauchery after getting clean in rehab because she doesn’t see the point in trying to get better. “The world’s coming to an end,” she says in the first episode, “and I haven’t even finished high school yet.”

It’s a lot easier to believe that you can’t do much to improve your moods, your relationships, and the way your body feels while simultaneously believing you can’t do much to improve those things for other people, either. Abdicating that sense of any responsibility let me avoid a deeper, darker worry: that prioritizing the self is, by nature, saying to hell with everyone else.

My obsession with that particular quandary led me to Trisha Low’s new book-length essay, Socialist Realism, in which she attempts to reconcile her desire for the comforts of love and home with her desire for a socialist utopia. Is it even possible to pursue personal happiness and fulfillment while prioritizing The Greater Good at the same time?

“Home,” she writes. “It’s just something to contain our misplaced desires for a better world. How can we willingly long for that?” Her work is built upon that of her teacher, the academic José Esteban Muñoz, who famously theorized that queerness is, by its very nature, not-yet-here — “that thing that lets us feel that this world is not enough.”

In Megan Milks’s review of Socialist Realism for Bookforum, she notes that a decade ago “many queers were enamored with the alluring radicality of queer negativity” — think Lee Edelman’s 2004 polemic No Future, about the queer death drive — but “in the Trump era such grandiose nihilism seems puerile.”

I loved Low’s book for its messiness, its sense of struggle — a perfect depiction of the constant tugging I feel within myself every day, between my desire to deal with the realities of my own life and my desire to think on bigger, more ambitious scales. “Whatever,” Low eventually concludes. “You can make utopia out of almost anything.”

Since last month, I’ve stopped consuming alcohol (for now, though maybe also for longer). I threw away my Juul, then got jealous that I didn’t get rid of it more dramatically when I saw somebody smash theirs with a hammer on Instagram. Even King Princess, the Gen Z queen of Juuls, recently quit — a harbinger of change if I’ve ever seen one.

I’m trying to whittle away at my nihilism (both the personal and the political) in other small ways. I signed up for a trial at a rental clothing company, with the hopes that I’ll spend less money on shopping and contribute less waste. I’ve stopped eating beef, hopefully en route to full-fledged vegetarianism. And I joined a powerlifting gym after my friend Katie, who is basically a lifting influencer, extolled its many virtues. I’m hoping the sport’s focus on strength and power, rather than weight loss, will help me stop punishing my body for the way it looks and start celebrating it for what it can do.

I’ve had these little bursts of self-improvement projects before, but in the past I’ve always gotten bored and given up eventually. I’d start drinking again. I’d order a bunch of crap I didn’t need from companies that mistreat their workers and actively make the world worse. Whatever, who cares, nothing matters.

Just last week I caved and ordered six different white T-shirts and a $200 pair of boots. (“Basics!” I told myself. “Just the basics!”) I know I’m still going to have nights where I eat only popcorn for dinner and watch six straight episodes of Love Island and bum hits from my friends’ Juuls. I think what’s most important is that I’m at least trying to train myself to rely on more than just instant gratification. To have faith that, if I’m lucky, there’s a lot more life I’ve yet to live.

Critics of Franzen’s New Yorker piece on the climate apocalypse pointed out that the author’s climate projections are seriously flawed and his conclusions perhaps even more so. After taking swipes at everyone, from the evil science-deniers on the right to the overly optimistic peddlers of the Green New Deal on the left, Franzen sees hopeful futures for community gardens and CSA programs, but not much else.

“If your hope for the future depends on a wildly optimistic scenario,” he wrote, “what will you do ten years from now, when the scenario becomes unworkable even in theory? Give up on the planet entirely?”

What a patronizing way to address anyone who dares to dream. Teenage climate activist Greta Thunberg hasn’t documented her climate depression or dared adults to consider the impact of their personal choices just to piss off a bunch of man-baby conservatives. As a young person, she’s more than justified in fearing for her future, but despite her anger and her sadness — because of her anger and her sadness — she still believes in something better. Why bother even trying otherwise?

Yes, living “well” — if we’re financially and physically able — benefits The Man. That doesn’t change the fact that treating our bodies with respect and care might benefit us too.

Corrupt corporations and governments do hold the most blame, and the most significant obligations, when it comes to righting our course. But there is no easier way to shirk consumer responsibility — whether you’re eating beef, or flying a lot, or holding onto that unholy Amazon Prime subscription — than by self-soothing with the leftist adage that “there’s no ethical consumption under capitalism.”

As Charlotte Shane recently wrote in a piece about Jonathan Safran Foer’s We Are the Weather (yet another collection of Big Climate Thoughts by yet another underqualified white guy), holding institutions accountable “can’t be a ploy to deflect attention from our own culpability … No matter how otherwise constrained our circumstances, we can always choose each other, choose solidarity, choose effort. Every time we do, we’re making headway toward a new habit, a self-reinforcing orientation that alters the fabric of who we are and how we live.”

Is there anything in this world harder than trying to be both happy and good?

I’ve been listening to Lana Del Rey’s Norman Fucking Rockwell on repeat since the album dropped, which has put me in the perfect mood for my sad girl fall. But as much as Lana sings her beautiful, dreamy way through the depressing fog that is modern living, she still ends the album on somewhat of a high note. “Hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like me to have,” she croons on the very last song. “But I have it.”

May we all, Lana. May we all. ●

Sahred From Source link Science

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This Is Us- The Show That’s Sweeping the Nation

tThere is no denying NBC’s This Is Us has become one of the biggest talks of television within the past year. Each episode leaves you with more questions than the last, and will make you more emotional than you believed possible from a TV series. 

It seems that more and more television series being produced are based on zombies, superheros, fantasies, or sitcoms with an “American Dream” family who don’t know struggles beyond deciding who is going to walk the dog. We see families very frequently on television, but we are rarely exposed to the grueling everyday life issues that really happen to regular people.

This Is Us gives viewers the material that they may not be used to seeing on television, especially all in one series. Many different problems are thrown at the characters, and, although TV’s main purpose is to entertain, they handle them very realistically- the way that everyday people would react.

The show does not stray away from issues that may be troubling to talk about. In just one episode, viewers can be exposed to death, body shaming, slut shaming, racism, abandonment and drug and alcohol addiction. The things that happen to the characters are realistic and relatable, which is the reason why the show has such a strong following. 

 In my opinion, the topic of body image reigns supreme when it comes to messages that can be taken away from the show. One of the main characters Kate, played by Chrissy Metz, is extremely overweight. Kate struggles with being bullied starting from when she is a little girl, and we watch her journey throughout each episode. We may have seen overweight characters on television before, but Metz’s performance is raw and strong. She represents all of the women who have been criticized for their weight, and we watch her character graceful deal with all of the hate she receives.

Metz’s character, Kate, does not lose a dramatic amount of weight like people would hope to see in a television show. It doesn’t have that type of “happy ending,” but that is what makes the show so refreshing. Kate does try to lose weight, but she is also sending a message to viewers that you do not have to change for the wrong reasons. Her weight stays the same, but her mindset changes. She becomes more confident, and we should commend the show for staying true to that. 

No matter how much success a series has, there are always going to be critics, so it is fair to recognize those who may not think as highly of the show. Some critics argue that a few aspects of the plot are predictable, and although I see their argument, This Is Us is anything but predictable. The characters are woven together by acts of fate, and the plot throws us curveballs more than one can imagine. In fact, it is hard to understand how a show can make you laugh and cry all at the same time. Even if the show did have some predictable moments, the acting makes them feel real. 

It is hard to pinpoint one reason why a show could be so loved by its viewers. There are a lot of things that could contribute to a show’s huge fan base. This Is Us took the 2016-2017 television world on a wild ride, and we have the characters to thank for that. When you put Mandy Moore and Milo Ventimiglia together, you’re bound to have success. But we can also give credit to the how the characters make those watching feel a deep connection. When the characters experience something, you should feel like you are experiencing it too. That’s when you know you have reached an audience, and that is exactly what this show does.