#tumblr's search function is also garbage but at least i can see the things my mutuals post!

[hayleykiyopioids]

Speaking of hateful algorithms! Here's the worst thing i've ever seen.

under a cut bc it's really bad (let's hope this works)

AKFDSAHF;DAFKNDG I LITERALLY SAW THIS VIDEIO ON TIKTOK!!!

i got on tiktok in quarentine bc everyone was hopping on right, and for a while was Very Okay with the way that the app just gave me what i wanted to see! i very honestly love Elise, and I'm happy that she's able to have a platform and make a living and she got to quit her job and work on her own terms!!

but this is the shit that i'm talking about! this video was about how she made a PREGNANCY ANNOUNCEMENT VIDEO FOR HER FOLLOWERS and the VAST MAJORITY of them found out she was pregnant from another video she posted ABOUT HER PREGNANCY CRAVINGS!!!

that video that everyone saw was like the third video she posted after the formal announcement video!!! and almost all of the comments were like "I can't believe I found out you were pregnant from a video about your cravings"!!! CLEARLY PEOPLE WANTED TO CELEBRATE HER PREGNANCY WITH HER AND WANTED AN ANNOUNCEMENT VIDEO!!!

This right here is why the absolute bare minimum should be that users have a direct and easy way to see the content they actually want to fucking see!!!

[cuttlefishkitch]

hello! i haven't talked to you before, but ron said that i could ask you for some advice on writing eds? (i'd like to know things to avoid/common things that could come up in everyday life that would be good to mention/the sort of aids and stuff they'd have maybe?/anything else you think is relevant)

Hi! Sorry this took so long, a combination of ADHD and chronic pain slowed me way the fuck down. Thank you for being patient! 

EDIT: WEIRD HEEL THINGS I FORGOT!!

So, before I get into this I should probably say I technically haven’t been diagnosed with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (EDS for anyone reading) because it’s one of those syndromes that takes forever to get diagnosed with (it took a friend of mine’s mother over 30 years to get dxed). Many doctors, and everyone I know who does have EDS agree with me that it’s probably what causes my chronic joint pain and some of my other chronic issues. But just because three separate doctors have said “Yeah Probably” doesn’t mean I’m diagnosed!! Only a geneticist can do that!! And they had two-three year waitlists BEFORE the apocalypse happened.

I am diagnosed with Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS), Small Fiber Neuropathy, and potentially misdiagnosed with Fibromyalgia (once I get properly tested for EDS I might get undiagnosed with this because I don’t have most of the main symptoms of Fibro, but I got diagnosed with it anyway because it’s what doctors misDX you with when they don’t know what’s wrong with you and don’t want to do more tests).

All that said, I’ve done a lot of research about EDS (mainly because it’s the only thing that explains all my symptoms since doctors seem incapable of doing so), and know a few people who have either confirmed or suspected EDS, so I’ll link to some stuff, talk about the symptoms that often come with EDS, explain how the symptoms I have affect me, because just because someone’s not diagnosed doesn’t mean they aren’t having symptoms, and probs elaborate a bit about writing physical disabilities and chronic pain in general because it’s super important to me! 

So RESOURCES aka how to make sure your post never sees the light of day because you’re linking things and tumblr hates it when people give other people information!!

Youtubers! If you want to know about the day to day of living with EDS or any disability or chronic illness I super suggest finding a youtuber that makes videos about their life. My EDS favorites are

Jessica Kellgren-Fozard

Annie Elainey

Amy Lee Fisher

Websites! If you’re asking random folks on tumblr I’m assuming (and hoping) you’ve already done the basic WebMD google searches and looked over the seemingly ridiculous lists of symptoms and related conditions, so here are a few websites that are made more for people than for doctors.

The Ehlers Danlos Society

OhTWIST (That’s Why I’m So Tired)

ChronicPainPartners (the fact that they have an entire section of articles called “Dealing with Doctors” should really tell you something)

Books! If you feel like doing actual reading! I suggest reading books written by people with Ehlers Danlos, to get a feel for how they portray themselves. I’m not saying steal, but it’s probably a good point of comparison to see how your portrayal feels. (haven’t actually read these b/c my ADHD doesn’t let me read)

Ria Ruse by Morgan S. Ray (a superhero book with a disabled super MC!!)

Mysteries of Maybelle by Imani Benfell (Imani is still in high school and has already written and self-published a book cause she didn’t have enough representation for herself how cool is she!!)

Bodies in Motion by Liana Brooks (tw for pregnancy problems and miscarriages in the link, because it’s a blog post talking about integrating EDS symptoms into the story without explicitly naming them as such)

OKAY, now for some rambling about EDS SYMPTOMS!!!

Ehlers Danlos is one monster of a genetic condition in complexity and variety. There are THIRTEEN different identified types of EDS, it often comes with Mast Cell Activation Syndrome (MCAS) and/or POTS, and can lead to various other conditions like gastroparesis, chiari malformation, craniocervical instability, and/or bad teeth. So if you’re going to be writing a character with EDS consider what other comorbid conditions they might also have. I’m mainly going to be talking about Hypermobile EDS (hEDS) because it’s what I probably have and what I’m most familiar with. That said there is a lot of overlap in symptoms with the other varieties.

I started typing this section and realized I was going to have to break it down even more so we’re going to talk about Chronic Pain, Unstable Joints (Dislocations and Subluxations), Skin Things, Mobility Issues, and Other Weird Shit and how those things get addressed separately.

Gonna get the Other Weird Shit out of the way first. Because EDS is a malfunction of connective tissue it can fuck up all sorts of random things. For instance, I and many other people w/ hEDS have trouble swallowing. Shit gets stuck in my throat, I sometimes choke on and have to cough up food, and pills can be hard to swallow, which sucks cause I take A Lot Of Pills. If it doesn’t cause full-on gastroparesis it can cause IBS or other digestive problems b/c the digestive tract is mostly made of connective tissue. It can potentially cause heart problems even if they aren’t as big of a risk as in some other forms of EDS. Premature osteoarthritis is common because what you need is more joint pain. And Fatigue OH BOY THE FATIGUE. And of course the headaches, can’t forget those pesky migraines can we!

AND piezogenic papules!! I completely forgot!! Piezogenic papules are little white bumps that appear when you put weight on your heel. In some people they hurt, but in others they don’t. They’re technically tiny little herniations of fat peaking through the fascia in the heel. They were added as part of the diagnostic criteria for hEDS in 2017!

Now for Skin Things cause it’s not as big a thing in hEDS as it is in other forms. Basically, in a lot of forms of EDS, the skin is extra stretchy and extra delicate. It bruises and tears easily, people with the extreme versions of this can accidentally scratch something into an open wound if they aren’t careful. My skin is pretty soft and sensitive, I def have the typical velvety skin, and as is pretty par for the course of someone with hEDS my skin is a little stretchy, and sorta delicate. I’m not as tissue-papery as some people get, but I almost always have at least one mystery bruise or scrape b/c existing is hazardous. Most of scars are also pretty normal, unlike the extremely papery and atrophic scars (though I have a few tiny acne scars that are atrophic) that are common with other kinds of hEDS. Something that I DO have is Lots of Stretch Marks, all over my thighs, and even down to my calves. Which wouldn’t be abnormal, except for the fact that I’ve never been over 145 lbs and I’ve never been pregnant. Having a lot of stretch marks or striations in the skin without due cause happens because the structure of the skin isn’t as strong as it is in people with a normal amount of connective tissue.

I don’t have to worry as much about my skin but people that do are usually very careful with adhesives because they can irritate or tear the skin, which sucks when you need a lot of bandaids cause your darn skin won’t do its job.

Now on to the meatier stuff and since I’m mostly working backward let’s do Mobility Issues!! These can happen in loads of ways, but a lot of what causes these in people with EDS are the other two things I wanna talk about. Unstable joints lead to increased risk of injury when doing stuff people with fully functioning joints can do.

For context, I’m an ambulatory wheelchair user, meaning I can walk, but a lot of the time it’s better if use a chair. Mine is mostly for my POTS symptoms, but the fact that my legs aren’t also in absolute agony is a big plus. I use a custom manual wheelchair with a SmartDrive (b/c I’m very fucking fortunate and have good insurance) whenever I leave the house and have to be “walking” for more than a few minutes at a time. I can’t fully self-propel in a manual chair because it would be damaging to the joints in my arms and hands, but the smaller chair is easier to maneuver in less than accessible spaces (like almost everywhere). There was about a month-long span where I used a very cheap and very bulky electric chair while I was waiting on the ideal set up I have now. Before that, I also briefly used, and sometimes still use, an up-right posture cane.

People with EDS have widely varying mobility issues because of how uniquely it can manifest. My cane only gave me a little help with balance because if I used it in any prolonged capacity any pain it took away from my legs was relocated to my arms, and as an artist, my arms are more important to me!

If you’re going to write a character with EDS having mobility issues as a result of their EDS the best thing to do is to narrow down their specific needs. Are their knees complete and utter garbage but their shoulders and wrists strong? Maybe they can get away with using a cane. Can they not stand for longer than 5 minutes because of the vertigo from their POTS? Maybe they need a manual wheelchair. Would propelling themself damage their back and arm joints? An electric chair might be necessary! Plenty of people with EDS use all sorts of combinations of these aides to get around their life, consider how your character’s good and bad days would be. Do they have back up plans if they overestimate themselves? There can be a lot to manage, but don’t let it scare you off! Sometimes I try and make it into a resource management game (because I’m a game designer and that’s what I do), to make evaluating my energy and mobility needs more fun!

But now let's tackle some of the reasons those mobility aides might be needed. Unstable Joints.

Ever stepped wrong and rolled your ankle? It hurts for a few steps and then kinda fixes itself, or maybe it bothers you for the rest of the day and you put it up and ice it when you get home? When I was walking around outside my house that would happen AT LEAST once a month, usually more. Some times I’m sitting wrong and when I get up my knee isn’t a knee anymore and decides to just give out from under me. My knuckles are made of unruly popcorn and they Don’t Want To Stay Home!! Oh! And my shoulder is more often out a little out of its socket than it is fully in.

Unstable joints lead to Dislocations and Subluxations of varying intensity, and some people get them more frequently than others. Some can be severe enough to necessitate hospital visits and even surgery, some subluxations are so banal (like my fUCKING SHOULDER) that you just learn to live with the pain.

If a character is going to be in high action, combat-heavy scenarios, chances are they’re going to be popping out joints left and right. Hell, depending on the severity of their joint laxity they could be doing the same sitting at a desk. Again, it’s incredibly varied. I’d suggest setting some sort of baseline for yourself, of what a character’s joints can and can’t stand up to, and maybe do some research on which joints are most likely to pop out in general (hips and shoulders are big culprits being the wacky ball and socket motherfuckers they are). Then maybe have something pop out or hold up every so often when it shouldn’t cause hey! EDS is kinda just like that! Unpredictable!

Some ways people manage joint laxity is with braces, KT tape, and physical therapy. Braces come in many different forms, since I’m currently getting pretty much no treatment for my shitty joints I use mostly compression braces made for sporty people. It really is amazing how much a bit of tight fabric can do to keep my wrist in place.

More specialized braces often have solid parts to prevent the joints from hyper-extending (bending the wrong way) and causing further damage. If you ever see someone with what looks like diamond shaped rings around a bunch of their finger joints, chances are those are Ring Splints, and are there to keep the finger shaped like a finger. I want to get my hands on some and get some on my hands Very Badly, because my fingers hyper-extend SO MUCH when I type, and it makes my hand pain way way worse.

KT tape is another thing people often use. It’s stretchy tape you put on your skin and it basically functions kinda like a second ligament as well as reinforcing the joint and keeping the bones mostly where they’re supposed to be. The problem with this is a lot of people with EDS have very sensitive and fragile skin like I mentioned before, so KT tape can cause allergic reactions, chronic skin irritation, or just straight up take the skin with it when someone goes to remove it. Hence a lot of folks are really careful with it.

Physical Therapy is kinda the best (and only) treatment for joint laxity aside from Very Invasive and sometimes Highly Experimental surgery. It focuses on strengthening the muscles around the joints so they can do the work all those bone ropes made of body glue can’t. The problem is finding a physical therapist that 1) knows what EDS even is, 2) knows you have it, and 3) knows how to treat it without doing stuff that’ll Phucking Hurt You Worse!! Because exercising wrong with EDS can do Permanent Damage!!!

Again most folks use a combination of all of these things, or have next to no access to them b/c healthcare sucks.

Anyway, on to one of my favorite topics, Chronic Pain!! One of the reasons this post took me so long!!!

Chances are if your character has chronic pain as a result of their EDS there are gonna be some things they hate, including stairs, rain, thunderstorms, stairs, hills, uneven terrain, oh and did I mention stairs??? It’s going to vary person to person, but almost everyone I’ve met with pain from EDS has complained about their knees. For me the most debilitating pain is in my fingers and wrists. They’re by far my least stable joints but I use them constantly for stuff like drawing, typing, and sewing.

Because my joint pain is so wide spread, like most people’s with hEDS, it effects every single part of my day to day life. I can’t carry a heavy ceramic plate, open a bottle, or even use my computer without pain. It’s practically impossible for me to get comfortable in any position be it sitting or laying down, and as you can imagine that makes it hard to sleep a lot of the time. Moving too much hurts, but so does sitting still. I’m constantly taking braces on and off or cracking/stretching my joints so they pop back into place and hurt less.

Also being in pain makes everything else That Much Worse. I get tired way faster than I did before my pain was this bad (I had chronic pain for a while before actually realizing it wasn’t normal to not be able to walk down the block without feeling like your foot bones are trying to escape). My sensory issues and anxiety disorder are more easily aggravated because my base level of comfort is way worse. It fucks with my depression. And OH BOY does it make my ADHD worse because being in pain is fucking distracting as hell and makes it harder to make decisions and switch tasks. Also my ADHD often makes my other symptoms worse cause I forget to take my meds, don’t drink enough water, or can’t find my fucking braces because the item eating black-hole that comes with ADHD stole them. The intersection of mental and physical disabilities is probably a rant for another time though, so back to chronic pain.

Does it suck? Yes, undoubtedly. Is this incredibly debilitating? Of course it is, I spent the last several months unable to feed myself without assistance because there was a staircase between my room and the kitchen and I could only manage to climb it once a day. Is it overwhelming? Definitely, I’ve frequently broken down crying from a combination of pain and frustration because I’m having a bad day and there’s no relief to be found. Am I able to predict when it’s going to rain with uncanny accuracy because any change in barometric pressure makes me feel like every bone in my body is trying to kill it’s neighbors? You bet your fucking ass I am!! Does it sometimes make me irritable, angry, and occasionally dismissive of when abled people get cold or a temporary injury because the stuff they’re complaining about is my life every single day and all avenues of treatment and recovery I have could take years and still not entirely solve my issues? Yeah, and while I deserve a little extra patience I also have to be sure to check myself because I don’t want to turn into someone who’s nasty to be around. Do I sometimes need to sleep for 17 hours straight because it’s raining, I have migraine, and I’m in too much pain to be conscious? Yup, sometimes a few days in a row. Does living in constant pain mean I’m unable to do all the things I want to and does that sometimes make me wanna curl up in bed and never leave? Yeah, it happens.

But! And here’s the big important but, that’s not everything! I still write, draw, and talk to my friends!! It might take me a little longer but I get there. I’m still happy and excitable and make the time to write out five page long posts about EDS because it’s something I’m passionate about! My chronic pain doesn’t stop me. I refuse to let it. I never really wanted to go mountain climbing anyway, so I’m perfectly happy being able to make it up and down the six steps in my house, even if sometimes I have to sit and bump down them on my ass, or crawl up them like a cat. Chronic pain isn’t all I am. It isn’t a fate worse than death. It isn’t the only thing your character should talk about (though I do talk about my pain a lot cause I’m a complainer about almost everything). You can have your character be hindered by their pain, realistically they would be. You can have them seek comfort, support, and relief. Other characters can commiserate and be sympathetic, but it doesn’t mean their whole life is going to be one big pity party, that would be incredibly fucking boring. I know I’d be bored out of my mind.

All that said dealing with chronic pain, especially from EDS, is Complicated. Physical Therapy is the gold standard, but like I said before it can be a long and difficult process, and isn’t always accessible. Stabilization methods like I talked about before can help prevent pain, or reduce it by keeping bones mostly where they belong. Heat and cold help joints, relax muscles, and reduce inflammation but keeping them applied is rough and the relief doesn’t always last. Doctors prescribe anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, and sometimes even anti-epileptic medication to help manage pain, but everyone’s mileage with those varies. And I’m not at all qualified to talk in-depth about narcotics or other heavy duty pain-meds, but suffice to say the war on drugs fucked shit up for people that legit need that kind of help BIG TIME.

Now for my closer/bonus rant about EDS and Disability Writing in General!

Everyone always says write what you know, so if you really want to do disabled people justice, get to know disabled people! Make friends with disabled people, get involved with advocacy groups, consume content made by disabled creators both about disability and not! Disabilities are so fucking diverse, even EDS is such a complex disorder, and comes with so many potential co-morbidities, that practically everyone with it has a unique experience. There’s no way I can fully explain everything in a tumblr post. Hell, even if I could talk to you for hours probably couldn’t give you enough info to answer all your questions (especially since I’m still in diagnosis hell :,) ), so talk to a wide range of people with EDS and other disabilities!! I know it sounds like a lot of work but trust me, disabled people are some of the strongest, raddest, coolest, people you will ever meet that it won’t feel like it.

And don’t be afraid either, the fact that EDS and other disabilities are so wildly varied means that you have a little bit of wiggle room with your character’s experience. There’s so little disability rep out their I think people are WAY to scared to try their hand at writing it. So long as your character is a fully developed person in addition to being disabled, you give some logical thought as to how it would affect their life, and you don’t make their disability the butt of any joke it isn’t difficult to avoid ableist writing. PLEASE WRITE MORE DISABLED PEOPLE AND PEOPLE WITH CHRONIC PAIN/CHRONIC ILLNESS!!

Okay that’s it, again sorry it took so long for me to get back to you! My fingers were being little pests about it, and my ADHD (which is honestly more disabling than everything else a lot of the time lmao) was being an asshole! Hope this helps, and feel free to ask me more questions if you need clarification! It might take me a bit but I do love talking about this stuff.

[sweetiepie08]

Rebelz Chapter 5

While analyzing Zim’s PAK for weaknesses, Tak discovers strange coding that sends her on a search for answers. The clues lead her to uncover a conspiracy that governs all of Irken society. When the truth sends her on the run, she has no choice but to return to the one place the Tallest would never willingly go: Urth.

Meanwhile, Dib has noticed odd changes in Zim’s behavior. Has the invader simply grown bored of his mission over the last few years, or is there something more interesting going on?

People who asked to be tagged: @incorrect-invader-zim , @messinwitheddie, @reblogstupids, @cate-r-gunn, @agentpinerulesall​

If anyone else would like to be added to the tag list feel free to message me. Also, if you’re on the tag list and you changed your name, please just let me know.

(thought I posted this a month ago, but either I forgot or it got eaten by the tumblr void.)

Chapter 1. Chapter 2. Chapter 3. Chapter 4. Chapter 5. Chapter 6. Chapter 7. Chapter 8.  Chapter 9. Chapter 10.

[-]

Jerry had just smashed Tom’s foot with a hammer when Dib realized he was watching the robot’s cartoons more than he was watching the house. He’d been staring at these screens all day. Tak hadn't shown up at all. Zim did turn up for a few minutes, but that was hours ago and he hadn't come back since. There were no fights, no screams, no explosions, or at least not that Dib could see. The only noteworthy thing that happened was Zim choking on a soda. Was there really nothing going on?

His eyes drifted to the clock. 6:30 already? He'd just wasted most of his day watching old cartoons through a security feed. His stomach rumbled reminding him he hadn't eaten since noon.

Dib looked back at his monitors. Tom chased Jerry around the room. Jerry ducked into his mousehole and Tom rammed his face into the wall. The robot laughed. Dib’s stomach rumbled again. The idea of a break started to sound appealing.

“Hey Gaz,” he called hitting the record button, “You hungry?”

“Yeah,” she called back.

“You want to order a pizza?” He slid off his chair and started out of the room. “I was thinking we could have dinner while we watched that documentary.”

He headed downstairs and found Gaz in the kitchen. She already had the phone in one hand in the Pizza Factory menu in the other. “I'm thinking Peppers and onions,” she said, not dialing the phone.

“How about sausage?

Her face twisted in disgust. “No pork.”

“Okay, fair enough,” he conceded. That shadow hog thing still weighed on his conscience. “Cheddar cheese? Oh, and get garlic bread.”

Gaz nodded and put the phone to her ear.

Dib smiled. It actually felt good to be out of that room. This break would be good for him. He’d get some food in his stomach and watch something he’d been waiting to see. Then he could get back to surveying the base later. Besides, with the camera recording, he wouldn’t miss a thing, if anything even happened.  After all, he got nothing all day. What could he miss in a few hours?

[-]

Gir laughed every time the cat on TV let out that loud yelp. He liked the yelling. It reminded him of someone. And it was funny.

As he laughed, another robot walked into the room. Gir looked over. A new friend? Maybe. Did master build it? Nah, he would have said something. Wait, he remembered this thing. This was Tak’s robot. What was it doing here? Oh yeah, they friends now. She gave him a present. They must be over to play.

“Want some nachos?” Gir asked.

Tak’s robot lifted its head and looked curiously at the nachos. What was wrong? Maybe it didn't know what nachos were for.

“You do it like this,” he said stuffing a handful in his mouth.

Tak’s robot just stood there. It still didn't get it. “Here, let me help.” Gir got off the couch, walked over to the other robot, and smushed a handful of nachos in its face.

Tak’s robot wiped the nachos away and shook off the remaining cheese. It’s eyes narrowed and glowed red. Oh it looked mad. Maybe it would start yelling at him. But it didn’t.

Oh wait! He got it now! “Hey, you don't gots no mouth,” Gir said, leaning real close to get a good look at the robot’s face. “That's not right. You need a mouth for nachos.”

This was a problem. If it was going to be his friend, it needed a mouth for snacks. “Oh, I know!” Gir screamed. He ran for the trash can/elevator. He'd seen master go down this way earlier. Master could build a mouth. “This way! This way!” He dove head first down the elevator shaft and Tak’s robot followed him.

[-]

“No, it's not!”

“Yes, it is!”

“No, it's not!”

“Yes, it is!”

“No, it's not!”

“Yes, it is!”

“No, it's not! It's not!” Tak shouted. The can in her hand spilled gignzor on the ground as she gestured wildly. “You cannot tell me! You cannot tell me Foodcourtia is worse than Dirt!”

“It is! It definitely is!” Zim yelled back, punctuating each sentence by slapping the computer control panel.

“It's definitely not!” She slapped the control panel as well. “Dirt is a garbage planet made out of garbage! Everywhere you go, it's garbage! Everywhere you look, it's garbage! You close your eyes and, still, all you can see is garbage!”

“But there's no customers! Zim countered, flinging his empty can across the room. “No one screaming at you all day! No one yelling because their order is late, or cold, or they got the wrong thing! No one saying they want blogrings on the side, but they won't tell you on the side of what. But when you guess, they start yelling! And you're trying every side you can think of, but nothing works! And sometimes they still haunt your thoughts late at night!” He grabbed Tak’s shoulders and shook her. “What side did he want, Tak? What side did he want?!” He kept shaking until she slapped him away.

The sound of a “Whee-hoo” came from the ceiling. It got progressively louder until Gir splat-landed face-first on the floor. Tak’s Sir unit slinked gracefully down and landed beside him.

Gir sprang to his feet. “My friend needs a nacho hole,” he said pointing at the other robot.

“MiMi,” Tak commanded, “Get away from that pile of junk.” The SIR unit nodded and slink to her side.

“Hey!” Zim pointed an accusing finger at her. “You don't get to call my Gir junk!”

“Yeah!” Gir screamed.

Tak smirked. “I built Mimi myself out of spare parts and she’s still more advanced than the standard SIR units issued to the invaders.”

“Well I got a mouth!” Gir shot back.

“Yeah!” Zim shouted. “Hey wait, does your SIR unit talk?”

“No,” Tak sighed. “I couldn't find a functioning vocal chip on Dirt.”

Suddenly, Zim’s computer made an alert sound. “Sir,” computer said, “there is an incoming transmission from the Massive.”

Zim's hands flew to his head. “Oh no, the Tallest can't see me drunk.”

“The Tallest can't see me at all,” Tak added.

“Well, get out of frame, then.”

Tak scooped up Mimi and they ducked under the control panel. Zim tried shaking a bit of his drunkenness off. It didn’t seem to do much, but he answered the call anyway. An Irken in a navigator’s uniform appeared on the screen.

“Um, Invader Zim?” the navigator said, putting a strange emphasis on Zim’s title.

“Yeah,” Heh, he said ‘invader’ funny… Wait a second. “Hey, you're not The Tallest. What is this?”

“The Tallest are very busy at the moment,” the navigator replied. “A traitor has been identified.”

“Traitor? Pfft…” Zim waved his hand. “I don't know anything about a traitor, definitely not one with any conspiracies.” I am nailing this nonchalant performance.

“Uh, you wouldn't.” The navigator said, raising an eyelid. “A notice went out to all Irkens on planet or in the Armada. I've been tasked with informing all those out-of-range to be on the lookout for her.” He paused. “What was that about a conspiracy?”

“Nothing. I said I didn't know anything about a conspiracy, remember?” Totally nailing it.

“Yeah, but why would you bring it up in the first place?”

Shoot. He was asking too many questions. Better get rid of him. “Yes, yes. Anyway, I got your message,” Zim dismissed, reaching to cut off the transmission. “I'll be sure to look out for Tak. Now you can move on to-”

“Wait, I never said the traitor's name.”

His hand froze. Fuck “Uh, yes you did.”

“No, I didn't.”

“Yes, you did.”

“No. I didn't.”

“Yes, you did.”

“No, I didn't!” The navigator shouted impatiently. “And I can playback this conversation to prove it.”

Zim started to sweat as he contemplated his next move. Before he could say anything, however, Gir dove under the control panel.

“Found you!” Gir squealed.

“What was that?” The navigator asked.

“My SIR unit,” Zim answered. “He lost his… uh… contact lenses!”

“SIR units don't wear contact lenses.”

“Your turn to hide.” Gir said. Zim could hear a scuffle going on.

“No, stop.” Tak whisper-shouted. “Stop pushing me, you metallic hunk of-” Tak flew out from under the control panel and landed on the floor with an “omf.”

No, no, no, no, no! Zim slapped a big fake grin on his face. “As I was saying, I'll be on the lookout for that traitor and I’ll get back to you if I see her. Bye!” Zim cut the transmission and the screen went black. He let out a long breath. “I don't think they suspect a thing.”

Tak got up and brushed herself off. She glared daggers at him and snarled, a retort forming on her lips. Before she could speak, the entire base shook violently, knocking them off their feet.

“What's happening?” Zim struggled to stand up, but another shake sent him back to the floor. The base continued to rumble and, with each new quake, the room shrank in size, along with the tech in it.

“You idiot!” Tak shouted, managing to pull herself up. “It's cubification!”

Zim blinked. “Uhh…”

She scowled and rolled her eyes.” When The Tallest believe an invasion has been compromised beyond salvation, the remotely cubify the base, destroying all evidence and crushing any organic matter left inside.”

“I knew that.” Zim jumped to his feet. “Why are you explaining things I already know?”

“You moron, were going to be squashed!” Tak screamed, grabbing the front of his tunic. “And I refuse to let my cells mix with yours!” She threw him down and called, “Mimi!”

Tak’s loyal SIR unit slid up to her side. Mimi saluted, wrapped her arms around Tak, and flew them both up the elevator shaft.

“Gir!” Zim commanded. “Get us out of here!”

Gir bounced up. His eyes flashed red as he gave a salute. He then ignited the propulsion jets in his feet, flung Zim onto his back, and rocketed them up the elevator shaft.

As they flew to the house level, the walls around them closed in at a steadily rapid rate. It became a tight squeeze toward the top. Zim’s waist became stuck in the trash can lid for a moment before he managed to wiggle out.

By the time he made it to the living room, the ceiling was only a few feet overhead. Tak pulled at the doorknob with all her weight, but it wouldn't budge. She let out a cry of frustration and her laser cutters unfurled from her PAK. The lasers on all four tips joined into one large square of energy which blasted a hole in the wall. However, that hole shrunk just as quickly as the rest of the house.

Tak dove through and MiMi followed. Zim looked around for his service unit who was busy giggling and bouncing off of the encroaching walls. “Gir, quickly!” he commanded, pointing to the hole. Gir launched himself through, squealing. Zim followed after, feeling the ceiling brush the tip of his antenna on his way out.

He landed on his hands and knees on the lawn. Once he gathered himself, he turned to watch as his beautiful base crushed itself into a cube about the size of an Urth child’s alphabet block.

Zim’s mouth hung open. “Six years on this miserable ball of filth,” he murmured, scooting up to the teal cube on his knees. “Now look at you.” He flopped face-first on the yard and made pitiful noises. Gir sat down next to him and patted him on the back.

“Get over it, Zim,” Tak grumbled, activating her human disguise. “At least you still have a ship. Mine’s crushed in there with everything else.”

“Everything?” Zim snapped up. “Wait, where’s Minimoose?”

“NYAH,” Minimoose squeaked as he floated into Zim’s line of vision.”

Zim jumped up and threw his arms around his creation. “Yeah! Minimoose! I knew I shouldn't have to worry about you.”

“Quit hugging the moose, Zim,” Tak snapped. “In case you haven't noticed, we have a real problem here. We're stuck on this dirtball with no shelter, no resources, nowhere to go, and we're out of gingzor.”

“Yeah, well, whose fault is that?” Zim retorted, stomping up to his ship. He reached in, pulled out a spare dog suit, and flung it out Gir. He then began applying his human disguise and he continued. “My base would be fine right now if they didn't catch you hiding out in there.”

“Well they wouldn't have caught me if you could control your sorry excuse for a SIR unit,” Tak shot back.

“Hey!” Zim jumped down from his ship. “Gir is a specialized unit! Operating him takes a deft hand. Simply shouting out commands won't do.”

“why? because then he'd work properly?” Tak smirked.

Zim let out an exaggerated gasp. “How dare?! I just lied my butt off for you and you repay me by insulting my Gir?”

“Oh yes,” she scoffed, “thank you so much for blurting out my name before they even told you who the traitor was. You are a true master of deception.”

Zim put on a smug, mocking grin. “You're welcome.”

Tak growled and kicked nearby rock into the street. After letting out an huff, she turned back to him. “Well, you've been on this planet longer than any other advanced species. Where is a good place to lay low?”

Zim thought about this as he picked up the teal cube and turned it around in his hands. His base wasn't completely destroyed. Everything shrunk as it was being cubified. Perhaps it was all still in there. If he could reverse the effect… “It'll have to be a place with access to a lab. With the proper tools, I could possibly find a way to get my base up and running again.”

“Oh! I know! I know!” Gir squealed, jumping on Zim’s back.

“No, Gir. We're not doing that.”

“But… but…”

“No, Gir,” Zim said again, crossing his arms. “I won't allow my pride to sink that low.”

“But we've done it before,” Gir pointed out.

“Hmm? What's he talking about?” Tak asked sternly.

“Doesn't matter.” Zim answered, waving a dismissive hand at her. “It's not an option.”

“Yes it is,” Gir argued.

“Zim…” Tak growled, grabbing him by the collar and pulling him up to her eye level. “Where is it?”

[-]

Gaz flipped open the pizza box and steam rose off the hot, fresh cheese. Dib reached into the takeout bag. The garlic bread was still hot, too. He bit into a slice, enjoying the warm, steamy goodness and hoping the documentary wouldn't bring up any cow disembowelment's while he was eating.

This was shaping up to be a pretty good evening. Good documentary, good food, and he and his sister were just chilling together. There were no fights, no aliens (except the ones in the documentary, of course), no plans for world domination, no nothing. Just pizza, sibling bonding, and the dulcet tones of the narrator explaining bizarre happenings in Utah.

Gaz was right. He needed to take breaks more often. In fact, he was pretty content to spend the rest of the night relaxing. He could do without dealing with Irken nonsense for one night.

[rockshortage]

*Cracks knuckles* Ow. Let's see, how about: A6, 16. B1, 12. C1, 2, 3, 5, 8. D4. E2, 3, 7. F2, 5, 10, 12 (Sorry, but also not sorry) I6. L1, 2, 4, and 9 :)

hoo boy that took a while

A6) Does your OC tend to assume their interpretation of events and reality is correct, or do they question it? I.e., “I’m sure that’s what you said” versus “It’s possible I misheard you.”

Ah, he questions himself a lot. Maybe he wasn’t listening well enough because he was too distracted by being anxious? Maybe he misinterpreted this event, because his background knowledge on it was lacking, he doesn’t know the full story and opinions from all sides, he’s not sure he can form a well educated opinion on this--

A16) Does your OC have to go through their own trials to learn a lesson, or do they listen and learn from observation and lecture? I.e., does your OC listen when someone tries to tell them the importance of budgeting, or do they have to go experience what happens if you don’t budget first?

Hector needs to do it himself for Science, because how else is he to truly know, if not from his own personal experience? Trusting what people tell you is good and all but gathering data yourself is better.

Unless we’re talking about raider politics, in which case there’s not really a good way for Hector to gather data without seriously endangering him and friends, so he’ll just listen to Gage.

B1) Do they believe you have to give respect to get it, or get respect to give it?

Generally, he believes it’s necessary to give people respect before you can expect it in return. He learns that many people do not in fact think the same way. He’ll still want to extend basic courtesy to them even if they’re assholes, unless they disrespect/piss him off to the extremes, or if their actions threaten his position and in turn the well-being of himself and friends.

B12) Your OC orders something to eat and gets their order done in a pretty wrong way, something they can’t just pick off or whatnot to correct, or something major is missing. What do they do?

Have a back and forth about it in his head – ah it’s not so bad it’s still fine, but then again he really wanted it differently… but he doesn’t wanna bother them and be entitled about it, but man… :( Might get close to pointing it out but chances are slim that he’ll actually get someone to correct the order. It’ll be disappointing but he’ll eat it.  

C1) Does your OC have a moral code? If not, how do they base their actions? If so, where does it come from, and how seriously do they take it?

Eeeh, not a super strong one. His baseline are general societal morals and norms, like… help person good, kill person bad. Most of the time he’ll base his actions on what feels right for him and for his friends. He’ll consider: will doing this make me feel bad afterwards? Will it have a negative impact on other people, who don’t deserve it? Is that consequence worth it because it saves my own skin or helps/protects my friends?

C2) Would your OC feel bad if they acted against their morals? If not, would they find a way to excuse themselves for it?

Bringing back the point about sacrificing for the greater good. He’d consider that the morally right thing to do because it impacts fewer people negatively. But making that sacrifice endangers his friends, whose lives for him personally are worth much more than an abstract crowd of people. So he chooses to not do the thing for the greater good and save his friends instead, and yes, he would feel very bad on the one hand, because oh boy. As far as most people are concerned, he did a horrible terrible thing and was extremely selfish and absolutely chose wrong. But on the plus side, and that’s a very big huge plus- he still has his friends. And still having his friends makes him feel less bad than how he would have felt if he didn’t have his friends anymore.

So uh… yes and no.

C3) Is it important for them to be with people (socially, intimately, whatever) whose major ideological tenets align with their own?

More or less. He can’t hang out well with people he completely disagrees with in every way, of course that’s not going to work. But Hector is… how to say… kinda boring when it comes to ideals and opinions and all that stuff. He just doesn’t have very strong ones in general. Which can make him a little bland and potentially spineless, but also pretty agreeable. As long as they don’t constantly shove their great big opinions in his face, they’ll get along well enough.

C5) Do your OC’s morals and rules of common decency go out the window when it comes to those they don’t like, or when it’s inconvenient? Aka, are their morals situational?

I think I kind of answered this in C2. Basic morals do get thrown out the window if friends are threatened, or if he gets pissed off enough. He’d have to be really pissed off though. As well as being post having-grown-a-spine(-at-least-partially). Hurting people bad but being insufferable to Hector also bad so guess what fucker

C8) Is your OC more practical or ideal morally? I.e., do they hold people to high expectations of behavior even if it’s not realistic for the situation, or do they have a more realistic approach and adapt their morality to be more practical?

Again a little tricky because I’m having trouble coming up with a scenario that would help me make up my mind with a definite answer. I’m leaning more towards a practical approach 1) because Hector is more of a realist/pessimist in general, 2) he doesn’t want to like… be overly demanding

D4) Would they like to be immortal? Why, why not? If they are immortal, would they rather not be?

The more he thinks about it the more meaningless life seems to get for someone like him. Solution: don’t think about it! Repress that shit because it’s not like you can do anything about it anyway. Also an involuntary solution but one that helps nonetheless: have shit memory so that you don’t feel like you’ve lived too many lifetimes.

If you were to ask him, the answer you get completely depends on the headspace he’s in at the moment. If he’s just vibing, going about his day and things are going well then yeah! Immortality isn’t so bad. If you catch him on an off day, things aren’t going so well, maybe he just thought about having to deal with losing his friends eventually… then you obviously get the opposite answer.

E2) Which of the nine types of intelligence is your OC strongest in? Weakest? (Linguistic, existential, naturalist, et cetera)

I know I talked about this before and I grouped them from strong to medium to weak but I can’t for the life of me find the post anymore (thanks tumblr for your useless garbage search and tagging features). So I can’t even check if I’m still on the same wavelength with past me :v

From strongest to weakest we have…

Logical-mathematical

Spatial

Linguistic

Bodily-kinesthetic

Musical

Naturalist

Interpersonal

Existential

Intrapersonal

E3) How many languages do they speak?

Three… and a half.

The half language being Swiss German, because I don’t know what the fuck it is even after graduating from language uni

The others: Standard German, English, and French, from strongest to weakest.

E7) Are they a good note-taker? Are they a good test-taker? Do exams make them nervous?

Yes, yes, and yes. He’s very good at taking notes considering most of science is documentation. And even now when he’s not doing a lot of Formal Science things, he still writes in his journal almost daily, summing up events and making notes of important things. He gets nervous with tests with all the self doubt if he really prepared well enough and the unpredictability of the questions that will be asked, but once the pen is in his hand, he just blazes through it.

F2) What’s their ideal home look like? Where is it?

Someplace underground, safe and sturdy like a vault. Industrial aesthetic is welcome and he wants to have plenty of space, but it shouldn’t feel huge and empty. Needs to be homey, even if it might feel a little rustic to the average person. Having it built into a mountain would be sick, so he still has the perfect protection from the sun, but he doesn’t have to crawl out of a hole in the ground like some kind of worm – instead he opens the door and gets the most amazing view immediately.

… and I promise, only after writing the above did I remember that he pretty much lives in a mountain already, just a plastic one. Close enough.

F5) How handy are they? Can they fix appliances, cars, cabinets, et cetera?

Quite handy indeed. He can fix most things, he usually just needs some time to (re-)familiarize himself with the object and its functions. A lot of it also involves trial and error, but he’ll figure it out eventually.

F10) Do they engage in any of the arts? How good do you intend them to be? Would they agree they are?

He’d actually be really good at pen/pencil drawing, what with making technical illustrations and blueprints of Science Stuff, but it’s not a skill that’s applied in an artsy setting. When the goal is to draw for the sake of drawing, evoking emotion, or paint with a brush, that’s probably when shit would fall apart. I can’t remember who the artist was, but it reminds me of this little comic about Paladin Danse – in which he’s extremely good at technical drawings but then he attempts to draw a dog and it just looks…wrong.

Now with music, he’s more likely to engage in it in an artful way. He likes to sing, even if he very rarely does it now that he has people around him more often than not. Before, he’d just be alone in his lonely place and sing and scream to his heart’s content, but now he’s too awkward to do it, because someone might hear him. He is pretty good at it though, considering how much alone time he’s had to practice.

F12) Would they enjoy a theme park?

The rides and junk food? Yes absolutely. But the giant crowd and every little consequence it entails, nope, no thank you, he’ll just leave it be.

You bet he’s gonna go on the rides at nuka world though once they got them back up and working, because the crowd isn’t as big as pre-war and he’s the fucking overboss and can skip lines and restrict access to others however he damn pleases.

I6) Could they eat the same thing they enjoy over and over and not get bored of it quickly?

He can, but that doesn’t mean he enjoys it. The first month or so at nuka world he almost exclusively lives off of some shitty nutrient bars. In some scenarios, food just exists as sustenance and not as something to be enjoyed.

In a preferable scenario though, it is to be enjoyed. And I think while he would get bored of it after a while, it’d take longer than for the average person. And even then, he’s just happy he can eat something enjoyable at whatever pace he likes instead of having to scarf down Compressed Nutrient

L1) How have your characters changed since you created them?

He stopped existing in a void, which is a pretty damn big change. Now he has a whole world and other characters to interact with, that contribute to shaping and developing his personality.

L2) What do you consider the biggest themes in your character, if any?

Oof, this is hard. Maybe… getting to know yourself? Accepting change, personal growth?

L4) Would you hang out with your OC if you could?

I’m actually not sure sjdfsdnsv

Like yes he is sweet bean who must be protected, but that doesn’t change the fact that he is a weird little old man. I guess if we can just chill listening to music and he can go off about crustaceans or something and we speak The Horrible Language, why the fuck not

L9) How did you come up with your OC?

Masks cool. Me especially like gas masks. Unhinged science characters also cool. Make generic but still sliiiightly unique design and make it a point to not have him be a young pretty boy character despite having immortality. Add lots of weaknesses to compensate for the immortality. Add science personality things and complete the picture with projections of my own personality. Boom, you’ve got yourself the beginnings of a Hector

[advb16]

Would someone please pack some snacks, take me out to the woods, and shoot me? That way I can at least be useful as food.

Hit some serious milestones(?) recently. And I do mean I just drove head-on into some rocks.

Professional

Just hit my 5 year anniversary of passing the bar. That was a real kick in the face because I just started at a new firm, in a new city, in a new practice area, and I feel just as lost and stupid as I did my first day of practice. Except now, I’m too exhausted to give a fuck and learn all this new law. 

This is all compounded by learning a new file management system that is THE STUPIDEST THING. I’m not allowed to make any new sub-folders, and there is no consistent naming convention. So got a big case? Need to find that one, crucial piece of discovery? Let’s hope you are a Bolean search MASTER. Oh wait, that still won’t work because the search function is garbage.

Anyway. Interestingly, this is a vast improvement from my old job (small-medium firm, small town, family law). What this has made me realize, more so than ever, that I should not have gone to law school, and I would never do it again. With that said, there’s nothing else I’m good enough at doing to make this kind of money. It’s bloody depressing.

Personal

Tl;dr - boyfriend moved at the speed of light for the first three months. I finally bought in, and decided to really go for it with him, and now he’s backing off.

So. 16 weeks ago we went on our first date. We had a pretty intense, instant connection. Talked about the serious stuff, kids, money, careers, life goals, relationship talk, etc. It was a lot. By the second date he said he had stopped talking to other people on dating apps, and wasn’t seeing anyone else. I was in no way ready to be exclusive, but he kept coming for me. Took me a little over a month to agree to be exclusive. Four weeks later he drops the “I love you.” 

Once again, I am stuck being the asshole that has to be all that’s awesome, but I’m not there yet, and I’m not going to lie to you. Which... that fucking sucks. We ended up having a couple freakin’ awesome weekends together, including his birthday weekend (day with his friends, they’re great, then a super chill day with just us, some road tripping, gd magical) and I decided, fuck it. And I say it back. I know I know, “fuck it” doesn’t sound like the right way to go about it, but hear me out.

I was thinking, I have all these feels; maybe it’s love? I haven’t been in a reciprocal, loving relationship in a very long time. He’s doing all the things I want from a partner: communicating, texting me all the time, saying good morning, saying goodnight, very affectionate, great sex (not enough of it, but I guess that’s just being a woman in her 30s dating a man also in his 30s), open about his goals for the relationship and for his life, and open about his struggles. He is seeking a long-term, serious relationship, he has done the emotional growth, or at least started the process, he’s identified those areas where he needs work and is actively tackling those things, he likes his job and has career goals, and he has his finances sorted (he’s not looking for someone to support him). All the things I want, but these alarm bells just keep going off in my head. And keep going off. And keep going off. 

Now, I have to give him so much credit because he engages in the hard conversations. Not only engages when I bring stuff up, but also starts them. And I know I’m exhausted with the new job, and when I’m tired, I am... not great. Now, I won’t bore you with the details, but we end up having some very, very, very heavy conversations, and we discovery that we both feel like we’re failing the other person and ourselves. We both feel like we’re walking on eggshells, like we can’t get anything right, and that we can’t really be ourselves with the other person (fucking sucks, right?!). This is followed by the revelation that by maintaining my deep desire to not be a “burden” I had made him feel unwanted. And when he feels unwanted, he doesn’t see a point in being around (fair). 

So now we’ve had this groundbreaking discovery: he thinks it’s great that I have needs because then he has a job. Look at that! We’re both getting our needs met! It should also be noted, that I perceive the giving of affection as being needy (I’m a very fucked up person; we’ll leave it at that) which meant his need(s) for affection and attention weren’t being met. So in my efforts to make sure I wasn’t burdening him with all my neediness, I was also denying him the expression of the love I allegedly felt for him. Seems silly now, but it was a seriously eye opening moment for me.

Super exciting, right?! We’re on the same page, everything is awesome, we’re now moving forward together, and we’re totally committed to each other and our relationship.

Sidenote: I feel like now is a good time to mention that he has already brought up marriage, on multiple occasions. First time, was one week after our first date when he sent me a meme about being wife material, then in the text said “replace wife with with GF.” Also, he was married previously; divorced about four years ago. In that same conversation with the wife meme, he invited me to join him four months later at a four-day music festival two states away, during which time I would meet his brother, his sister-in-law and his nieces........

Anyway, we’re stupid happy, and I, like the fool of a Took I am, took him at his word that he was all in, this serious, committed relationship is what he wanted etc and I invited him to an old friend’s wedding that’s in about six weeks. His response? “Oh wow. That’s a lot. That’s huge.” To which I responded, I’m sorry. It’s what now? What did I fucking miss?! Then him, “I’m just kind of freaking out.”

what.the.actual.fuck.

So now all my alarm bells are going off again because why the fuck wouldn’t they?! This motherfucker ran immaculate game to get to a place where he is comfortable, and secure, and doesn’t need to move things forward. In fact, he’s doing exactly what I predicted, and told him I was terrified would happen: I hold out, then as soon as I finally open up and commit, you run away. And look! I was right! Exactly as predicted, right on time.

I made the mistake of rereading the first few weeks of our texts. I know people say things, exaggerate, whatever, at the beginning to look good. They do things that aren’t necessarily sustainable, that will fade over time, and reasonably so! But I feel like I’ve had partners at 3 years deep making more of an effort to engage with me and really check-in with me than he is at 3 months deep. For example, we chatted on the phone earlier for a bit, and the entire conversation was him talking about himself. His only reference to me or my well being was a statement along the lines of, “you must just be working.” I don’t need him to drag things out of me, but I use questions to gauge interest. If someone isn’t asking any questions, it’s a pretty good indicator that they aren’t interested in me much less my well-being or the banalities of my day. So if he’s not making an effort to see me (he’s not a planner, but still), he’s not curious about me, and the prospect of a low-key wedding terrifies him, how much do I really mean to him? Is this relationship what he actually wants, or is it what he’s telling himself he’s supposed to want at this stage of life?

Part of me thinks this could be the love of a lifetime, and I definitely want it to be that. Then that part is challenged by the fact that maybe I’m blinded by the blissful moments because if this chucklefuck is getting cold feet at the idea of going to a friend’s wedding around the 6-month mark of dating (he won’t even be meeting my family) after he’s spent the last three months blowing past relationship milestones at 160 mph, then what the actual fuck?

Mental

This circles back to the end of my professional update. 

I have been so fucking depressed. For almost a year now. Got out of a less than healthy relationship, which made things worse for a while because it highlighted some stuff. Got a new job, which is a lot better, but being a lawyer certainly doesn’t help anything. Got a new relationship after dating a lot. And I do mean, a lot.... fuck.... so many first dates. And it’s a good relationship! I mean, when it’s good it is practically perfect, but it has been so much work. I get that anything good requires effort and work, but shit. This has been so heavy from the start.

And it just.... like... why? What am I even doing here? Using clean water and making a giant ass carbon footprint? Just consuming things? I’m not helping. I’m not making the world better. I’m just... here.... and I don’t want to be here. I haven’t wanted to be here for a very long time. My suicidal ideation keeps getting worse. I’ve brought it up to my therapist, but he isn’t super concerned. To be fair to him, I haven’t been completely honest about the severity.... I know! I know... But I can’t stand the thought of disappointing him. We’ve made such incredible progress, and how annoying must I be to come back like, yeah, I beat my night terrors, I beat the cancer, I got the job, got the boy, and I have more than enough of everything, but let me just be a whiny bitch about the meaning of life real quick.

The last couple days have been extra difficult because my platonic life partner, and for the last three years roommate, just moved out. A few months ago I had a full plan. Everything laid out, ready to go, even got halfway through, then stopped because I knew she’d be the one to find me, and I couldn’t do that to her.

Nothing looks the way I thought it would at 32. I’m glad it doesn’t look like what I thought it would at 20, but shit. Even at 30 looking towards 32, it didn’t look like this. It wasn’t this bleak. It didn’t feel this pointless.

I have no idea why I’m putting this on the internet. I think tumblr is the most appropriate place for this kind of into the void scream/crying, so here you go. It also helps to know that no one will read this.

[uniformbravo]

every iteration of this website is so stupidly broken both desktop & mobile

app:

constantly goes “u h oh blOOp boOP where ht INTErnet go Bye ByewhOOPSie daisy!!1″ even tho every other app has No Problem w/ the internet, i literally have to restart this thing 20 fuckin times a day to get it to load basic ass shit like the fuckign dashboard & search & my notifications & literally every other function there possibly is

search on blogs is garbage & even if u go into an actual tag on a blog it won’t show everything in the tag bc fuck you

the dash randomly teleporting u to a different spot on it after reblogging smth sometimes, usually after u turned off ur phone screen & then went back to it later, even if u didnt leave the app (the same process is a source of the “bloop boop” messages)

the instant messaging thing doesn’t show u new messages sometimes even if u have the same convo open on desktop. in fact it works the other way around too. tumblr in general does NOT like it when u have the same convo open on different devices

sometimes straight up doesn’t give me notifications for conversations & i have to find out i was accidentally ignoring someone hours later when i get on my laptop (if i even decide to use it that day!)

the amount of storage this app sucks up is Annoyingly A Lot. constantly clearing the cache bc it’s usually like 80 fuckin mb

desktop: 

if u use pages instead of infinite scroll on the dash the previous page button straight up does not work & will just take u to the current front page no matter how many pages in u were

hitting the back button on ur browser (or at least on chrome) does the exact same thing, unless you 1. wait for the page ur on to finish loading, 2. scroll down a little bit (just don’t leave it at the top of the page), and then hit the browser’s back arrow, then there’s a better chance it’ll work properly (yeah that’s right it doesn’t even work 100% of the time u just gotta hope & keep going back until it works)

tumblr literally just randomly changing the page url from like “/dashboard/20″ to just “/dashboard” so that both refreshing & clicking the back button just take u to the front page again

related to the last one, if ur like 20 pages deep in ur dash & u leave the tab for too long that ur browser (or again at least in chrome’s case) has to reload the page, when u go back to it it just gives u the current front page bc it changed the url to “/dashboard” & now it thinks this is the front page (if u were back further than like page 2 u can try to fix this by hitting the browser’s back button & hoping for the best)

the fact that u can’t manually go to random pages on ur dash by typing “dashboard/[number]” anymore bc why would we hold onto useless functionality like that. so if ur rly far back in ur dash & u lose the page bc of any of the previously mentioned garbage ur fucked 

(unless u go into ur actual browser history & find the page w/ the correct url like “/dashboard/25″ or if u don’t know the specific number then usually the url w/ the biggest number. u can also kind of estimate by opening the page from ur history & hovering over the top right corner of any post to see what time in ur timezone that particular post was made/reblogged, that way u can find the page w/ the earliest or most accurate to your memory timestamp & assume that’s the right one. i just thought of this method today & i am very pleased with myself but also very annoyed that this website is so shitty i have to find such convoluted workarounds GOD)

search is just straight up garbage. the ONLY thing that mobile has over desktop is that the search actually shows the most recent posts w/o skipping any (any of the posts that actually Made it into search results, that is)

app-less mobile gets an honorable mention bc i don’t use it anymore & haven’t for years but 1. that thing where u try to like a post & it’s like “ohh you don’t have the app?? you fucking loser??? you fucking whiny ass child can’t even use our mobile app???? eat shit” is really annoying and 2. the dash has this header that’s like “open this in the app!” so one time i was like “ok” bc i had the app at that point & it didn’t even take me to the app it just opened up the tumblr download page on app store like fuckin. Ok

anyway theres so much more i could complain about especially on the topic of search but this is so much longer than i meant to go on for anyway so basically. the “this site is barely held together by glue & duct tape” sentiment is NO exaggeration, u couldnt make this shit up, jeez

[techno-sorcerer]

Adjusting to the Dark: Chapter 4 Cassandras Part 1

Story Summary:  After recovering from an attack, Kaiba attempts to return to work. The problem: it was a vampire attack, and he didn’t recover so much as turn. Meanwhile, demons lurk ready to strike and take Kaiba Corp at the first sign of weakness.

Chapter Summary: Shadi delivers two warnings: one regarding the threat Kaiba poses to others and another about a threat to Kaiba’s own life. There are enough grains of truth to keep Kaiba’s attention, but ultimately Shadi’s words turn to nonsense.

Words: 6,455

Chapter Content Warnings: Referenced canonical suicide (Gozaburo’s), mentions of cissexism (Trans Broken Arm Syndrome. No incidents depicted.), mentions of hallucinations, general discussions of death

Chapter One: tumblr, ao3

Jun Liu, who had already been waiting en garde, still managed to straighten when Kaiba exited the bathroom. Meanwhile, Detective Shadi stood, unblinking, a couple yards away. He looked up when Kaiba exited the bathroom but barely moved a muscle otherwise. Kaiba turned to Jun Liu and held out the bag. “Make sure this gets to the police department in the next few days, though sooner will save both face and nose.”

Jun Liu nodded. “Do you still need me here while you talk with Detective Shadi? The detectives may still be by the crime scene, and I would like to touch base with them before they leave to aid with our own investigation. It may even be the last chance to see what happened before it all gets hidden behind red tape.” Jun Liu turned towards Detective Shadi. “I do not believe you are going to hurt him, but with him only just returned, your less than stellar reputation, and information that his life may be at stake, you can see why I may be worried about leaving.”

“I understand your concern,” Detective Shadi looked Jun Liu in the eye. “Unfortunately, what I have to say is for his eyes and ears only. Even your guard,” Detective Shadi glanced at Arnold and then regained eye contact with Jun Liu, “will have to step away while we discuss this.”

“That is not very reassuring.”

Detective Shadi shrugged. “But, it is the truth. If you need something to sooth your mind, your boss is not in immediate danger. However, if he is not careful, how he handles these next few days can lead to others dying even if by accident. Accident or not, with the chance to have forewarning and the chance to avoid it, those deaths would be on him. Still, your boss has yet to answer your question, and your presence is ultimately up to him.”

Kaiba considered it for a moment.  “Others dying. Like the garbage collectors?”

“That is one possibility, yes.”

“Hmm.” Detective Shadi’s insistence on speaking alone was odd, and after the alleyway Kaiba had good reason to be wary.  Somebody had tried to kill him, and somebody had killed three people. Agreeing to meet the detective, who despite being otherwise competent was not trusted by others in the department, without security present was practically inviting trouble. But, he also needed more information on who attacked him, who had created the scene he woke up to. Without knowing what happened, the fear that his attacker could come back remained.  Kaiba loved a puzzle but hated a mystery, and Detective Shadi’s information had the potential to turn the situation from one to the other.

The portent of death also weighed on Kaiba’s mind. Kaiba was under no illusions that he was a good person. He had extorted, threatened, and destroyed businesses and lives, at first to protect himself and his brother but then almost out of habit. He’d promised the Big Five power to use them against Gozaburo and then tossed the promises aside when he was done. He saw what needed to be done, and he did it. If that made him ruthless then so be it.

But, the one person he would wish death on was already dead, and even then he had been horror struck as Gozaburo had flung himself out the window. He didn’t want anyone else to die.

“Arnold can stay out of conversation range but enough within earshot of a cry for help, and knowing that the suspicion would then fall on him should provide enough of a deterrent to prevent Detective Shadi from trying anything. You may leave. Give Arnold the instructions on the way out. Also, tell him to make sure to get a ride ready; I would like to be able to leave as soon as this discussion is over.”

Jun Liu shot Kaiba a worried- or was it concerned?- glance before ‘yes-sir’ing and heading out. Relief flashed over the detective’s face. “So, are you ready to talk?”

“I am at the very least curious about what you have to say. If you want more privacy, we can move to the closer to the elevators.” Kaiba gestured behind him. The Kaiba Corp lobby had a fairly open floor plan with a few rooms and utilities scattered around the edges. Only the cluster elevators in the center would block someone’s line of sight. “If that is not enough, we could always head to my office, but I would rather get this done and over with here.”

Detective Shadi thought the options over. “By the elevators should be fine, so long as we remain quiet. Walls provide a false sense of protection anyway.”

Kaiba gave a short hum in affirmation. As they walked towards the elevator shafts, something about Detective Shadi- or at least his image- seemed to quiver, and when they finally reached their destination, he turned towards Kaiba and put a finger to his lips. Kaiba raised an eyebrow.

Suddenly, Detective Shadi’s form lightly glowed before it began to shift and wobble. Then, a ripple started at the top of his form and rolled downward. It passed over his turban, earrings, and skin with no effect, but passing over his eyes, Kaiba saw his golden brown irises widen and his pupils disappear. Detective Shadi’s eyeliner also thickened, making his already intense stare all the more formidable. Once it hit his suit, the clothes began to unfurl into a set of tan robes with a white shawl draped over his shoulders like a cape.

Kaiba jumped backwards with a yelp. What the ever loving fuck? Suddenly the warning bells that had been off since he had failed to fully sense the man turned into sirens. Detective Shadi reached out towards him, but Kaiba stepped back. He felt his lips pull back, and something twitched in his mouth.

Detective Shadi pulled his hand back and put a finger to his lips again, before moving his hand straight through the wall. He then spoke softly, “I am not a threat, but the world is more complicated than you think.”

Kaiba blinked. Something clicked into place. In fact, suddenly Detective Shadi’s lack of presence made complete sense. He began to relax, and the strange sensation in his mouth pulled back.  “I already think the world is quite complicated but not in the way you are implying.” Kaiba glanced around the room searching for the telltale flashing lights of a projector. “Did the technicians put you up to this?”

“The technicians?” Detective Shadi for the first time that night looked confused. “I can assure you that no one else has anything to do with this.”

Kaiba let out a small laugh. “Detective Shadi-”

“Shadi is fine.”

“Shadi, do not play games with me.” He let out another laugh. “You are in the building of the company that invented holographic technology with the person who developed most of its key functions. What did you think would happen? That I wouldn’t figure it out? The ability to record and respond in real time is fairly impressive, but there is literally no other plausible explanation.”

Shadi seemed to let out a sigh, though Kaiba understandably couldn’t hear the air exit his mouth. “I was hoping that it might get you to expand your definition of plausible, and it does often get people to think. You can check that I have not communicated with your technicians and, if there are any holographic projectors in this room, you will not find my image in any of their data banks. I am not a hologram.”

Kaiba reached out and passed his hand through Shadi’s form. The air there was surprisingly cool to the touch. Considering the amount of energy needed to produce a convincing image, holograms released plenty of residual heat. He narrowed his eyes. No better explanation presented itself. “And, what would you have me believe then?”

“What if…” Shadi paused a moment to consider his words carefully. “What if I were to say that there were things beyond the scientific. Things like magic, ghosts, and dragons. Things like vampires.”

“Well, it is a good thing you aren’t saying that,” Kaiba smirked, “because I would say that we were done talking, and I would leave so that you wouldn’t be able to waste anymore of my time. If you believe in that superstitious nonsense, then maybe you aren’t as competent as I thought.”

Shadi slowly blinked. He opened his mouth then closed it. He waited a moment before finally speaking. “I knew you were in denial when you reported the crime, but this seems like a bit much. Still, we have other things to talk about, the most important of which being your upcoming hospital visit. Before I let you go there, I need to ask: are you hungry?”

Kaiba was about to retort that the hospital and his stomach had nothing to do with each other, when he realized that he should be hungry but he wasn’t. In fact, he felt quite full. “No, but I haven’t ea-” A memory cut him off mid-word.  The taste. When he woke up there had been such a delicious, pleasant taste in mouth, which in the terror that followed he had completely forgotten about. He reached a hand up and touched his lips, and his eyelids fluttered for a moment. His mouth was watering at the mere memory. He swallowed his spit before correcting, “I don’t remember eating anything.” Questions buzzed in his brain. What had he eaten? How had he gotten a hold of it while by the dumpster? How had he forgotten? “Something must be wrong.”

“That actually is the answer I was hoping for, and I honestly didn’t expect anything else. I haven’t seen a scene like that in quite some time, but with va- people like you it can be hard to tell. There doesn’t appear to be a limit on how much you can eat, just after a certain point you don’t have to.” Shadi paused for a moment, and Kaiba narrowed his eyes. What the fuck was he talking about? Unfortunately, Shadi started talking again before Kaiba could vocalize his thoughts. “That, however, is neither here nor there. I ask because I have a contact in the hospital who would be willing to see you. She is a good person, and I have promised her not to send any trouble her way.”

“Wait. Back up. You said you were expecting that answer. That answer disturbs me, and I was the one who gave it.” Kaiba struggled to keep his voice down, but he was realizing why Shadi had asked the meeting to be private. He wouldn't have been able to stand random strangers hearing his own uncertainty. He only tolerated revealing it to Shadi because Shadi might have answers.

Shadi looked Kaiba in the eyes. “What do you want me to say?”

“I want you to tell me the truth. You seem to have some idea about what is going on. Out with it.”

Shadi rolled his eyes. “The truth is irrelevant if you won’t believe it, though I promise you that I will not lie.  Could you ask a more specific question?”

Kaiba let an exasperated sigh slip between his lips and then grit his teeth. What would it take to get a clear-cut answer from this man? “Oh, let's see. Where should I start? Do you have any idea what that taste was? Why I don’t remember eating? Oh, god...” Another realization dawned on him. “I don’t even remember getting out of the dumpster…”

“For someone who has no idea what’s going on, you certainly cut straight to the heart of the situation, though the heart is the part your most likely to shut out. But, I will attempt to answer.” Shadi paused to think, and Kaiba waited still grinding his teeth together. “I will start with why you don’t remember because while it is definitely not simpler, it is easier. You don’t remember because I’m not entirely certain you were entirely there.  Your body was certainly present, but it was guided by an instinct, darkness, hunger so desperate it didn’t want conscious thought getting in the way-”

At this point, Kaiba couldn’t help himself. “Are you telling me what happened or trying to write a bad horror novel because at this point its hard to tell.”

The comment elicited a half a laugh out of Shadi. “Given your stubbornness, I can see why you might think that, but if this were fiction I can assure you that I would not be the one writing it. I am merely a messenger. One that hopes to tip the course of events, but you ultimately have control over where your story leads. Plus, are you denying that after spending four days in a dumpster, you would be hungry?”

“No,” Kaiba conceded, looking away. In fact, he remembered being absolutely ravenous, his hunger pains driven fiercer by the sound that shouldn’t exist, but he wasn’t going to give Shadi the satisfaction of saying that out loud. “Continue.”

“Jokes aside, consider my first warning: the hunger will come back. I cannot tell you how soon, but judging by the strength of the one who attacked you, I cannot say that you have long. When it comes back, it will start small and grow. It has already started to mess with your instincts, but it will try to make its desires yours.” As Shadi spoke, Kaiba rolled his eyes. The only reason he bit back a comment was that he remembered how strongly his hunger had pulled at his mind. “To call the hunger evil would be to give it a sense of morality that I do not think it has, but it will make you a danger to those around you, and, as I have said, you are responsible for your actions. You will have to find some resolution to this, and I do not have any clear-cut solutions to provide you. But, I believe someone with your resources and wit can figure something out.”

“You know I’d be able to take you more seriously if you weren’t describing a normal bodily process as if it were a malevolent spirit. I have worked through hunger before, and I can still eat.”

“This is not the hunger you are used to, and I wish I could say that simply ignoring it or pushing through it was the answer. It is not. If it grows too strong, it can and it will push you out of the way to fulfill its goals. You will also find that eating may be a bit more complicated.”

“Oooo, ominous,” Kaiba said waving his fingers through the air. “So, what about my first question?”

Shadi frowned. “There is still so much I have to tell you first, and this is definitely the harder of the two. I can’t have you storming off before I am done. I have decided to tell you that last. I understand that you think you want to know, but the truth has been staring you in the face, and you refuse to acknowledge it. So, let me give you my second warning.”

“I have listened to everything reasonable you’ve said,” Kaiba scowled. “I’ve even listened to some of the unreasonable things you’ve said. Tell me.”

“No. I will but not yet. Are you done throwing a fit?” Kaiba’s jaw dropped; he wasn’t throwing a fit. He just wanted answers. But, for once he did not have a snappy retort, and he simply glared. “Good. Because my next warning regards your own life.”

Kaiba perked up. “Does it have to do with the person who attacked me?”

“I see why you would be concerned about that, but that situation has been dealt with.”

“Dealt with how?” Kaiba raised an eyebrow. Detectives Wasseem and Ito certainly hadn’t had any idea about who had attacked him, and they had read his file. Suddenly their suspicions seemed a bit more well-founded. “I’m getting the sense that it wasn’t through entirely legal means.”  

“It is best to keep human institutions out of these affairs, and in fact my work with the department is a matter of convenience for that end. Instead the owner of the King’s Pendant has been notified and has taken action. Your attacker will be kept on a far tighter leash.” Shadi’s expression then hardened, and his voice somehow managed to turn more grim, “No, this concerns those who would strike you down not for what you have done but for what you are. Fortunately, you are not yet on their radar, and it would be better for you to keep it that way.”

“I’ve disgruntled many people, but the boy in the alleyway was the first attempt on my life,” Kaiba shrugged, “Why would they start caring now?” Despite his outward nonchalance, the threat against his own life did disturb him, especially so soon after he had already been attacked. The only question was whether the threat was real.

Shadi shook his head. “You misunderstand. They only care about what you are, not about what you were, and you have changed. And, do not underestimate them. They have taken on beasts far more dangerous than a handful of security guards, and even if you brought a few of them down with you, you are young and they are trained. You would lose. And, supposing that you didn’t, there are plenty in your company and this city who would not fare well should these people’s gaze fall in their direction.”

“You seem to know a lot about these murderers.” Shadi looked at the ground, and his form appeared to deflate. Hnn... Interesting. “Would there happen to be a reason for that?”

A few seconds passed before Shadi looked Kaiba directly in the eye and held the contact for a couple more moments. “I was, at one point, one of those people. So, believe me when I say that they are dangerous.”

“Fine.” Kaiba found it hard to believe there was a cabal of assassins ready to kill him because he’d felt a little weird since waking up, but Shadi certainly believed it. The regret in Shadi’s voice had been palpable, and considering how casually the man had talked about the scene in the parking garage, Kaiba did not take that regret lightly. “You said the best way to deal with these people was to stay off their radar. How would you suggest I do that?”

“Well, the simplest way would be to hide the changes and not to cause any undo instances, but unfortunately, your ignorance has caused you to fail on both accounts, and now we are stuck trying to clean up your mess.” A disapproving expression cast over Shadi’s face. “The hospital visit right now is the more pressing problem and where you could potentially mess things up even more. We are lucky that I have a contact who has agreed to help. She works at Memorial, which is a bit farther away than the Domino University Hospital, but it is worth the trip if we are going to do things right.”

“I presume this is the contact you mentioned earlier. The one you thought I’d bring trouble to if I were hungry.” Kaiba wrung his hands together. While he was ready to admit, at least to himself, that the hunger he’d experienced scared him, he had yet to see how it affected others.

Shadi nodded. “That is the one. She isn’t as embroiled in all this as you or I, and in fact, she would rather not become embroiled in any of it. She is placing a lot of trust in me by agreeing to this, and I would rather the trust not be misplaced.”

“And, why, pray tell,” Kaiba asked gesturing outward, “do I need to go to this contact of yours if she’s halfway across the city and all I’d bring her is trouble. Wouldn’t it be easier for both of us if I just went to the nearest emergency room, got checked over, and left for home? You said yourself that I should avoid any unnecessary trouble.” Kaiba didn’t honestly give a shit about this possibly non-existent ‘trouble’, but he was beginning to find that talking with Shadi was like an elaborate chess game.  In order to move forward and make progress towards getting home, in order to potentially uncover the grains of truth Shadi possessed, he would have to sacrifice some points and pieces.

“Heaven forbid.” Shadi immediately put his fingertips together and glanced upward. “That would be the quickest way to scare the doctors, cause a commotion, and attract the exact people I’m warning you about.”

“I’m sure the doctors can handle a simple check-up. It's not like people haven’t been assaulted in this city before.” As he spoke the words, Kaiba had no doubt that Shadi would disagree; Shadi saw danger in every corner of this situation. Still, Kaiba couldn’t help but flaunt the absurdity of everything as he attempted to uncover which dangers were real. “Why wouldn’t these trained medical professionals be able to handle a case like mine?”

Shadi opened his mouth as if he were about to scream out a proclamation, but before the words could exit his mouth he closed it again. He glared at Kaiba before finally speaking, “Yes, people have been assaulted in this city before, and some here have likely been assaulted in the way that you have as well. But, when people survive such assaults it is usually because their attacker willed it, and when they wake up they have somebody to tell them why what your suggesting is such a horrifically bad idea. Anyone can tell that you’re paler than you should be, and Detective Wasseem immediately noticed you weren’t giving off the right amount of body heat. You can’t possibly think the doctors won’t notice your lack of pulse-”

“Of course I have a pulse. I’m alive,” Kaiba snapped.

“Not entirely,” Shadi immediately responded. “And, if you think that my family or anyone like them has one iota of respect for patient confidentiality in cases like yours, you are sadly mistaken. In my time, we kept our ear to the ground for the slightest trace of people like you, people we deemed dangerous, and I have absolutely no doubt that they continue to do so. And, despite the myths, we weren’t trapped in the past. In recent years, they likely have added a digital component to cast their net even wider, so we can’t afford even leaving a trace there. There are risks that I do not want to take.”

Kaiba had taken a few steps back from Shadi, his mind still reeling from Shadi’s earlier comment. Of course he was alive. He wouldn’t be here if he wasn’t alive. Clearly whatever veneer of sensibility Shadi had was starting to crumble. Maybe Shadi’s head was just swimming with conspiracy theories and there was no threat against his life.                                                                                      

But, a voice at the back of Kaiba’s head reminded him that whether or not Shadi was right about this, Shadi had been right about other things. Shadi knew about the hunger that had ripped through his brain. Shadi knew that he had eaten… something.  Shadi was the first to bring up that something was wrong with him. Hell, other details from Shadi’s story lined up. The King’s Pendant probably referenced he gaudy pyramid Yugi had taken to wearing around his neck, and his attacker’s words, ‘my partner would not approve’ echoed through Kaiba’s mind. How exactly Yugi could keep that boy on any sort of leash was beyond Kaiba’s imagination, but the two did seem connected. No, as much as he wanted to totally dismiss Shadi’s ramblings, he couldn’t.                                                                                                                                                                        Hoping to prove Shadi wrong, Kaiba put his thumb against his wrist. He felt nothing. A frown creased his face, and he moved his thumb to another position. Still nothing. Tch. Maybe he was just bad at this.

“You aren’t going to find anything.”

Kaiba shot Shadi a glare and moved his thumb again. “Shut up... It’s probably just weak.”

Shadi let out another breathless sigh. “Will you at least visit my contact? Her name is Dr. Ena Uramoto.”

It would be physically impossible for him not to have a pulse; he could hardly count this something Shadi got right. But, it did give him pause. “Fine. But, she better not have any problems with…” Kaiba didn’t want to come out to this stranger, but while Shadi was concerned about him bringing the doctor trouble, he needed to know that it wouldn’t be the other way around. He needed to make sure the doctor would remain objective, actually tell him if he was ok, and help him if he wasn’t.

Shadi stared at him expectantly. Kaiba glanced down. There was a chance Shadi had already noticed. He certainly hadn’t mentioned anything, and Kaiba couldn’t tell what sort of sign that was. “Gender. Hormones... Doctors tend to get a bit distracted.”

Shadi blinked and considered it. “That hasn’t been an issue in the past, but it has never come up, and things would be better if this went as smoothly as possible. I could pass a message before you get there.”

Well, that went better than expected. Still, if he didn’t know- and frankly Kaiba understood that he had had no previous reason to know- it made deciding what to do moving forward. He would rather be the one to tell her, to tell anyone, but at the same time, something to keep the doctor in line would be nice…

“I am not sure what would help in this situation, but I am fully capable of being cryptic.”

Kaiba laughed. Well, that certainly was true. “Tell her to focus on the situation at hand and to remember what is actually relevant. And, you better not tell anyone about this.”

Shadi shrugged, “I don’t see how its anyone’s business. There are more important things in the world to worry about.” Those were some of the truest words Shadi had uttered all evening.

“Now that that’s out of the way, what can she do that the rest of the medical community can’t?”

“Nothing,” Shadi plainly stated, “except agree to falsify your records.”

That certainly wasn’t the answer Kaiba was expecting; with the way Shadi had been talking this woman up, Kaiba had hoped she would be able to do something… more. “So, I won’t be able to find out whats wrong with me? They won’t be able to fix it?”

“The medical community certainly wouldn’t be able to help you,” Shadi shook his head, “and the only thing that can help is opening your mind and listening. Listen to what I’m telling you. Listen to your body and what it needs but stop yourself from following through with what it wants. The more you listen, and I mean actually listen and not judge what you are hearing based on preconceptions, the more obvious what is happening will become. And, you will see that there is no going back. What is happening to you is one of the open secrets of the world, mixed with baseless rumor but the kernel holds true. You should be able to piece it together.  Going to the hospital to figure that out would be pointless.”

Wonderful advice from somebody who clearly never had to doubt their senses. Letting go of preconceptions. Ha. That was letting go of reality. But, he would never let a stranger like Shadi know that.

Another worry began to tug at his mind, and he fiddled with the edge of his sleeve. The idea that whatever was happening wouldn’t go away and he wouldn’t be able to seek help for other reasons bothered him. He would eventually need another testosterone prescription, and it was bad enough that he missed the past four days. But, he would cross that bridge when he came to it. He had already used the resources at his disposal to start a year earlier than recommended; he could figure this out in time. Now, he would focus on present concerns, “Why even bother then. I’d be more than happy to head directly home. It’s been a long enough night.”

“The promise of the hospital record was the only thing that got the detectives to leave. I mentioned that truthful hospital records would attract the wrong sort of attention. So will a detailed investigation of your little crime scene. I will try to clean that mess up, to muddy the waters, cause some things to be misplaced, but with the crime already on official record, I won’t be able to completely erase it. They still might try to get a warrant for that information, and their suspicion at not finding anything would chafe at my charms.”

“And, what an abundance of those you have,” Kaiba laughed. Shadi was certainly an intriguing fellow but he was far too stoic to be labeled charming. Kaiba supposed that it would be a bit like the pot calling the kettle black, but at least he knew people hated him. “Still, I know you said your work with the department was out of convenience, but aren’t you supposed to figure out who murdered those people, help solve the case and catch the culprit. I’d prefer that myself”

Shadi did not respond for a long moment. “Are you sure about that? You wont like the answer.”

“So you already know what happened? Now why isn’t that surprising anymore?” Kaiba rolled his eyes. What could be worse than being on the hit list of a ridiculously strong homicidal boy and potentially being a target for a group of trained killers just for somehow surviving? He may not like the answer, but its not like things could get much worse. He uneasily leaned away from Shadi. No, the situation was bad enough as was. “Yes, I want to know who did it, and for that matter, I want to know how you solved it so quickly, considering it just happened, and the other detectives seemed quite confused.”

“Its not exactly subtle, so saying that one could solve it would be a bit of an overstatement. Anybody who has any idea how the world works would know what happened there. But, I suppose there is no point in delaying any longer; it is time for me to tell you.” Shadi took a few steps forward, closing the gap that Kaiba had widened. “Are you ready?”

“Yes.” Kaiba gestured wildly outward in frustration, and his hand passed through the cool air where Shadi stood. “I said yes already.”

Shadi again paused for a bit. “You asked earlier what you ate. Well, the remains of your meal would have been scattered around you when you woke up.” What was he talking about? The only food that had been in the area was rotting in the garbage. “In fact, the hunger would have given you back control not too long after it had its fill, so it is likely you would have been facing the last thing you ate from.” No, the thing he had been facing was a dead body. “Considering one of them had more of… your new food visible, I can guess which one it was you ate last.” Kaiba’s face contorted in confusion. Shadi wasn’t making any sense or rather less sense than usual. Shadi looked at him and shook his head. “What did you think the holes were for? One set to puncture down to the food, another to maintain grip while you fed-”

“No!” Kaiba yelled, his voice echoing throughout the lobby. Arnold’s footsteps started to approach. “That’s impossible. Things like that don’t exist. I could never...”

Shadi pursed his lips. “That’s the truth, and its a truth you need to accept. Now are you going to call off your dog, or do we have to end this conversation here?”

“I don’t see any reason to continue it with you spouting this nonsense.” Kaiba scowled. He backed away from Shadi.

“Hence, me saving this for last.” Shadi’s form started to shift and bend, before specks started floating away like sand caught on the wind. His body- the hologram depicting his body- started to disintegrate. “My family would believe you too dangerous to exist. Please do not prove them right.” After finishing those words the pace of the disintegration quickened and by the time Arnold and his tuh-thub turned the corner, Shadi was gone.

“Oh, it seems like you’re alright.” Arnold looked at Kaiba then around like a lost puppy. “Where’s the creepy guy?”

Kaiba stared at the space where he had seen Shadi a moment before. “Gone, though I don’t think he was ever really here. Tell Jun Liu when he gets back to check to see if anyone tampered with the holographic projector systems.”

“Huh, that would be weird,” Arnold mused. “I mean, why go through all that trouble? What could they possibly accomplish? Showing something cool could at least be done for its own sake, but this?”

Kaiba shot Arnold a glare and started walking towards the main lobby. He did not want to engage in small talk with anyone let alone with a low-level security guard. As he passed by, he caught a whiff of Arnold’s scent. He had before caught that the security guard was healthy, but now he could sense other overtones. There was something almost sore about the smell as if Arnold pushed himself too far, but it also reminded Kaiba of new growth and life. It drew him in for a moment, but then Kaiba shook his head. Focus. “Not as weird as half the nonsense that came out of his mouth. Is the driver ready to go?”

“Yes. He’s waiting over there.” Arnold gestured around the pillar of elevators to the main lobby.

When Kaiba rounded the corner though, he did not see his usual driver. “Isono, you do realize I have people I pay specifically to drive me places?”

That elicited a small chuckle, but it wasn’t fullhearted. “Yes, but you’ve been missing for sometime, and I gave specific instructions to be one of the first people contacted should you return. I hear you need to be taken to the hospital; are you ok? You do look a little sick.”

“Better than I was earlier, but… I don’t exactly feel like myself.”

Isono nodded. “Jun Liu did mention you were attacked, and that you were a bit of a mess when you came back. Its only expected that you wouldn’t feel your best. Have you been having any of your problems?”

Isono was one of the few people who knew about his hallucinations, one of the few people he trusted not to hold them against him. Numerous times Isono had been with him and stabilized him during an attack, guided him back to reality, and helped him ignore what wouldn’t go away. “Yes. It was the worst right after my attacker knocked me out, and...” Kaiba glanced around, and was glad to see that Arnold was still far away on the other side of the lobby. “I’ve been hearing things and smelling things that I shouldn’t.  There was a false tremor in the bathroom, and my reflection was dark, twisted, and not right.”

Kaiba remembered the enlarged canines, the fangs, in the mirror, and he remembered Shadi’s final comments. No, it couldn’t be real. He passed his tongue across his teeth. It wasn’t real.

Meanwhile, Isono nodded and closed his eyes for a long moment before opening them, and then Kaiba closed his eyes in an extended blink as well. The action was something small that Isono had come up with to remind Kaiba that he was there, especially because Kaiba did not like being touched during normal times let alone during the middle of a brainweird episode. Kaiba would return the gesture to acknowledge receiving it. During those seconds of darkness, Kaiba focused on the rhythmic thumping in Isono’s chest. He knew he shouldn’t be hearing it, but it comforted him anyways.

“Do you want to say what you have been hearing and smelling?”

Kaiba scoffed. “It doesn’t deserve the words it would take to acknowledge it.”

Isono hummed in affirmation and gestured at the large glass doors behind him. “Shall we go then? We will have time to discuss business and family on the way there.” Isono passed him the reports that Arnold had brought down from his office.

“We will have plenty of time because we are headed to the Memorial Clinic,” Isono shot Kaiba a questioning gaze as they both started to exit the building. “One of the detectives suggested I see somebody there, and while I am not inclined to believe him on everything, he made a few convincing arguments.” Shadi was a superstitious crackpot, but he was at least a superstitious crackpot trying to help. Kaiba got the firm impression that he came from a whole family of hostile superstitious crackpots that were willing to act on their beliefs. So soon after being attacked by someone else, Kaiba decided to play it cautious.

As he walked toward the car parked outside, his thumb passed over the inside of his wrist.

They talked about many things on the way to the hospital. Mokuba had been given the past two days off of school because of Kaiba’s disappearance, and though his brother had been attempting to hold it together, Isono could see that the waiting was getting to him. Stock prices had taken an immediate hit upon the announcement of Kaiba’s disappearance, which was making the Big Five, who owned the majority of the stock not already in Kaiba’s hands, antsy. The company had, however, been able to survive the past few days, the day to day operations carrying on without him. A few key projects had made progress and wanted his input, though Isono assured that the projects could wait until everything else settled.

Kaiba’s mind drifted, and he asked about the what had happened with one of the previously completed projects. Isono still hadn’t heard news of Industrial Illusions releasing a new game, though they had recently ordered the installation a large batch of the related hardware. A pity. The demo his team had worked with had actually been quite intriguing.

When they reached the hospital, Isono fiddled with the rear view mirror, and Kaiba saw his still horrible reflection shift and jiggle with the movement. “Is something wrong?”

Isono looked back at him for a moment before finally leaving the mirror be. “Nothing, sir. It’s probably just a trick of the light.”

Author’s Note: It took me four chapters but finally someone has uttered the v-word (Kaiba you know what he’s talking about, you’ve even recognized the similarity before. You are allowed to put the word to the thought.) 

Also, I am not planning on having a Trans Broken Arm Syndrome thing appear during the hospital visit. Dealing with that would be too real, and in any case, as I am not transitioning. I haven’t had to deal as much with that sort of thing myself, and I do not feel like I would do the topic justice. However, I did think it was something important enough to acknowledge as something that Kaiba would be worried about and would want to take precautions against.

That said, Kaiba is going to find that there are other reasons now why hospital visits could go wrong.

I mention Kaiba starting hormones early since when looking up when hormones could be started I got a lot of info that at least in the US the recommended age is 16... which is around Kaiba’s age now (apparently zombiekaiba has a good post on ages here, and I am going primarily with anime conventions. Things are a little bit... out of order to make room for what I want to do, but I envision this happening at the start of 11th grade (so its April) and Kaiba is thus 16 years old and 6 months. [Also this has been revised for future chapters. It is not April but January]

And that just got to me thinking about Kaiba’s relation to hormones, and I realized that 1) when he knows he wants something (and even when he doesn’t) he can be quite impatient. Methodical, but impatient, so he definitely would not like being told that he had to wait for something that he knew he wanted, especially with eveyrone else undergoing puberty without him. He would find that entirely unacceptable. I don’t blame him. 2) He would have the resources to do something about it. That is going to be touched on in the next chapter in an interesting way.

Finally, the idea of hunters is not going to be picked up soon (beyond maybe you should keep this under wraps), but I do have an idea of how it would be picked up again if this continued onto the fifth arc. I’m not sure if I’ll get there [that is a lot of story], but it does fit into things more broadly.

Again, always feel free to tell me if I need more content warnings.