#tw chronic illnes

[proudfreakmetarusonniku]

whoops venting through my boy c!tommy again lol

tw: self harm, disturbing imagery, body horror imagery, blood, self hatred, chronic illness, references to vomiting, implied suicidal ideation.

there’s monsters in tommy's skin.

he can feel them crawling around his scalp- tick tick tick as their legs dig into his skin again and again and again and again. they’re moving and they won’t stop, and when he touches where they once were they’re gone, but it doesn’t stop him digging and digging and digging until blood stains his fingers to try and stop it. the pain with that is different, less unbearable. he wants to tear away it all.

a thousand phantom hands touch at his body, some soft like velvet, gentle touches from pale claws. some rough, heavy pressure from hands stained with ash and sweat and smelling like cigarettes. each is enough to make him want to curl up into a ball and weep, but the amount of them tugging at his arms and his hands and his legs and his head face ears eyes everything pushes past that into total endless numbness, the shut-down of a body with too many bruises and not enough blood that he felt more familiar with than he should.

it’s impossible to will his hands still. he wants to scratch claw bite at his skin and let what’s inside get out out out of his body and stop hurting but he can’t do that it’s not real it’s not real. yet even as he tells himself to stay still he feels skin breaking underneath him, red liquid and skin covering his nails. stupid stupid stupid he couldn’t stop himself no matter how hard he tried he was so fucking pathetic wasn't he?

prime, he looks like shit. hair patchy and weak, scabs and scars everywhere. deep bags under his eyes, skin paler than ever. something sickening welling up inside his stomach making him feel weak, like he can barely stand with the dizzying nausea. he drifts in and out of consciousness, and his dreams are worse than being awake.

is he going to be sick? he doesn’t know anymore. he's been feeling so nauseous recently, and sometimes that leaves him curling in on himself as he gags out void-black something onto the floor, and other times it merely leaves him dizzy and locked in bed for days on end. he can feel himself weakening and there’s nothing he can do about it.

he thinks often of sharp objects.

[groverarms]

Down to 182lbs at 6ft tall. Dr. ordered tests because unexplained rapid weight loss is dangerous. She's more worried than I am, and never ONCE implied illness is better than being fat. I fucking love her. If we can get more natives into healthcare, the world will be a better place.

On the other hand... I'm kinda enjoying it. I swear im not falling back into the eating disorder. I do eat; but I'm incredibly poor and sick.

I'm just kinda chubby now and I'm cool with that. I have chronic pain and chronic illness. I'm gonna be sick no matter what. At least I can be sick in prettier clothes dammit.

[ominousposting]

1) can you toucj on stratus's sibling(s)? i dont really remember you mentioning this b4 2) do you think rain cracks sodos back all the time

1) oooo this is a good excuse for me to ramble on my ghoul lore.

TW : MENTIONS OF DEATH AND CHRONIC ILLNES

OKAY so in my brain the ghouls are all humans that have died in the past that were put back on earth to spread the message of the devil. some ghouls are lucky and get a more fun version of this (the band !!!) as opposed to like. being servants for members of the church.

in my lore, stratus died after having a life long chronic illness in 1992. I also think she had a big family (such as my own) that helped take care of her til the day she died. As such, she has multiple siblings (maybe like 3 sisters, 3 brothers. something around those numbers) who she was very close to.

2) ABSOLUTELY ! but only if its requested. i also think his back just kinda. crunches sometimes and rain just goes. alright buddy its Time to crack.

[browntrait]

also so 

yesterday was terrible health wise

i nearly fainted in Target and my bf had to carry me into the car, and I was out for 7 minutes before coming to in a cold sweat

my new supplements are supposed to help with the fatigue and stuff i’ve been feeling lately, im just exhausted of always being sick and tired and at this point any relief will do but yeah

ive been off line trying to just recover so, even tho no one will see this i just wanted to let the few of u who wanna know that im doing better!

[1heartsickfics]

Julius health scare

Trigger warnings: depictions of vomiting and blood and also hospitals? ambulances? emergencies? idk if any of those are triggers but maybe so anyway yeah

Also I apologize in advance because this is like some hella whump.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

“Oh my god this can’t be happening!! You have to save him, you have to, please!” 

Tayden cried, tears pouring down his cheeks as he jumped down out of the ambulance after the gurney that his boyfriend was being wheeled away on. 

“Son you’re gonna have to stay out here in the waiting room, I’m sorry,” he was shoved back as the doctors rushed Julius down the hallway. 

“No! I need to go with him, he’ll be so scared!” Tayden yelled, but the man was already jogging towards the gurney. The gurney with his boyfriend on it, curled up on his side, writhing and screaming in pain. 

Tayden ran his fingers through his hair as he let out a sob. He couldn’t handle this, it was too much. It was all just too much. 

They almost made it. Tayden’s mom had bought a plane ticket for both him and Julius to fly back to stay with her in San Diego for Friday afternoon. Just four more days and they would’ve made it home. 

*1 hour earlier*

“You not feeling good again?” Tayden asked nervously, lurking in the doorway of the bathroom. Julius was camped out on the floor in front of the toilet. All he’d eaten for dinner was a piece of toast and some grapes but apparently that had still been too much for his stomach tonight.

“Not really,” Julius sighed, a hand resting on his stomach. 

“I’m sorry,” Tayden bit his lip, fidgeting with his hands anxiously. If Julius was in the bathroom that meant that he was nauseous which meant that he might... no don’t think about it. 

“Go, I’m okay,” Julius sighed, giving him as much of a smile as he could muster. He really was so nauseous. It wasn’t usually this bad, but his stomach was killing him tonight. 

“I don’t want to leave you here by yourself Juli, you’ve been taking care of me for weeks even though you’re the sick one,” Tayden sighed. 

“Stop that. You’re sick too, just in a different way,” Julius said through clenched teeth as he breathed through a cramp. God this was awful. 

“I’ll be alright,” Tayden said, forcing himself to take a step into the bathroom. Julius needed him. He slowly walked over and sat down beside him. 

Julius rolled his eyes. This was a bad idea and they both knew it. He slid his hand under his shirt to rub at his stomach with a groan, ushering up a wet belch, which threatened to bring up something more. 

“Oh god,” he gagged into his hand, “Tayden, GO,” he said as forcefully as he could manage. It wouldn’t do him any good if his boyfriend started having a panic attack and throwing up next to him. 

“Fuck,” Tayden scrambled for the door. Julius was right, he couldn’t do this. “I’m sorry,” he said as he walked quickly down the hall and into his bedroom, shutting the door behind him. 

He paced back and forth for a few minutes, taking deep breaths to calm himself down. God he was so angry at himself. Julius needed him and he couldn’t even sit in there with him, let alone help him feel any better. 

Come on Tayden, man up. Go in there and be a boyfriend. 

After a few minutes of psyching himself up he did. He walked out of his room and down the hall to the bathroom. But it was quiet. That was a good sign right, Julius had stopped... yeah. Anyway, maybe he was feeling better. He slowly pushed the bathroom door open.

“O-oh god,” he stammered, stumbling backwards. He tripped over his feet and landed on the floor, gaping at the scene he saw in the bathroom. 

Julius was slumped on the floor, body limp. His eyes were rolled back in his head and his face was as white as the linoleum. But that wasn’t even the worst part. His mouth was ringed in red, blood spattered on the floor in front of him. 

Tayden’s stomach lurched but he fought back the heave and the panic rising in him and practically crawled forwards into the bathroom, dropping to his knees nest to Julius. He grabbed his shoulder and shook, “Juli? Jules wake up, hey, Julius come on!” 

He was shouting now, which apparently was enough to wake up one of his housemates, Ollie. 

“Dude shut the- oh Jesus Christ what the hell happened?” Ollie appeared in the doorway.

Julius groaned, his eyes fluttering open, just in time for his body to lurch forwards. He coughed up another mouthful of vomit, tinged with blood, all over Tayden. It was all too much for him too, he turned to the side and puked up his own stomach contents, fortunately into the toilet. 

“Alex, call 911!” 

Tayden heard a lot of shouting and commotion, but he didn’t know what was happening. His eyes were closed and he couldn’t breathe. But he could still feel Julius in his arms, panting and crying. 

“Ah, god it hurts!” Julius yelled, curling in on himself in Tayden’s lap. Tayden kept his eyes closed, but managed to find Julius’s hand with his own. Julius squeezed it so tight Tayden thought he might break, but he didn’t say anything. 

Then Julius screamed. Literally screamed in pain. Tayden could feel himself crying, but everything felt weird, fuzzy. 

“I love you, I’m here, I love you, I love you so much,” Tayden realized he had been saying it over and over, rocking back and forth with Julius in his lap as he squeezed his hand and screamed, writhed. It was a sound he wished he’d never had to hear come out of his love’s mouth. 

*present time*

“Kiddo, are you okay?” a lady in scrubs asked him, placing a hand on his shoulder.

“M-my boyfriend, they just t-took him aw-ay and, and-” Tayden broke off with a sob, his legs giving out beneath him. He crumpled to the floor, dropping his head into his hands. 

“Woah, hey sweetie, are you hurt?” she asked, kneeling down next to him.

“N-no, no, I’m fine,” Tayden cried. He was trying to pull himself together, but he was so scared. 

“Alright, lets get you into a chair and we’ll get things all sorted out okay? I’m sure your boyfriend is gonna be fine,” she said. After Tayden nodded, she grabbed his arm, helping him shakily up off of the floor and into a chair. “Now can you tell me your name?” she asked.

“Tayden,”

“Hi Tayden, I’m Maria. And what’s your boyfriend’s name?” she asked.

“Julius Kovak,” Tayden answered, wiping his sleeve across his face and sniffling. 

“Alright, let’s see here,” she scrolled on her phone for a moment, “Okay here he is, they’ve already got him put into the system, which is a good sign,” she told him.

“What’s wrong with him?” Tayden asked. “He passed out and he was t-throwing up blood a-and screaming,” he stammered. He hadn’t said those two words out loud for as long as he could remember. He’d been too afraid to think about it let alone say it. 

“Well, we don’t know yet, but they’ve got him stabilized, so no more blood or screaming. And he’s getting a CT right now so they should know soon, but it sounds to me like something’s wrong inside that they’ve just got to find before they can fix,” Maria said. 

“Right. Right okay. You think he’ll be okay?” Tayden asked. His heart was still beating so fast it made him dizzy. 

“I think that he has the best doctors working on him and that they’re gonna figure out what’s going on,” she said, giving his shoulder a squeeze.

“Okay,” he breathed out, forcing himself to take a few deep breaths. 

“Oh! And it looks like they found an ulcer in his stomach,” she said suddenly.

“An ulcer? Oh god, okay,” Tayden’s heart rate sky rocketed right back up.

“I can take you back to see him now so the doctors will talk to you but he’ll be okay dear,” she said, standing up. 

He followed her into a room, rushing over to the bed, where Julius was laying. He was still sheet white, but he looked okay now, calm, peaceful. No blood, no sick, no screaming. 

“Is he gonna be okay?” he asked the doctor who was standing next to the bed, hooking up a bag to Julius’s IV.

“Yes, he’ll be okay. And you are?” the doctor asked.

“Tayden Mills. I-I’m his emergency contact. We’re not married but his family is, they’re not, it’s just me, I’m all he has,” Tayden stammered.

“Okay, alright, you’re right. We saw your name on his medical records. It’s okay, just breathe son,” the doctor said.

“Okay,” Tayden said quietly.

“So, first of all, I’m Dr. Johnson, I’m the GI specialist here. I believe Maria told you that we found a stomach ulcer on his CT scan?” Dr. Johnson explained.

“Yeah,” Tayden nodded.

“That was the cause for the pain and the bleeding, but someone his age with no prior medical history should not be getting stomach ulcers. We did another test that indicates ulcerative colitis but we can’t be sure yet. Has he been having other issues?” Dr. Johnson pulled out a notepad and sat down in a chair on one side of the room. 

“Yeah, he’s been feeling sick, getting n-nauseous all the time, and he gets these sores in his mouth and he faints sometimes. Or just gets really dizzy. He’s lost a lot of weight,” Tayden rambled.

“Those are all symptoms consistent with ulcerative colitis,” the doctor mused. 

“Oh god, stomach ulcer and ulcerative colitis,” Tayden sighed.

“Well, most likely the colitis caused the stomach ulcer because it went untreated for too long. But it should go away with some antibiotics and some rest. But ulcerative colitis is chronic unfortunately, it can’t be cured. We can talk about that later, after he’s had a chance to do some healing. We’ll go ahead and put him on a steroid though to keep it under control,” Dr. Johnson told him.

“Okay,” Tayden sighed, “Thank you.” He looked down at Julius, so small and broken in that hospital bed and realized that he was in way over his head. He really needed to call his mom. That could wait a little while though. So once the doctor had left, he crawled into the tiny bed and curled up to Julius, pressing a kiss to his cheek before letting himself fall down off his adrenaline high and go to sleep too.

[alphacrone]

i don’t know what they did with my body the day i left. pulled myself between the bookshelf and the closet door. scraped the rotted corpse from me. left the snakeskin on the floor, next to the laundry hamper.

a.m., 3.19.18