#tw: suicidal tendencies

[ohtobeleah]

Self-flagellation // Tom Kazanksy

Summary: The death of Goose Bradshaw rocks the TopGun class. Iceman struggles with the ideology that his death could have been prevented if he wasn’t sure sure of himself.

Warnings: Suicide attempt. Suicidal tendencies. Depression. Mentions of pregnancy.

Word Count: 3.2k

Author Note: Day Five of Whumptober. Prompt I chose: Self-harm. Thank you to @ailesswhumptober for the prompt list.

Whumptober Masterlist | Main Masterlist

The warm soapy water soothed Tom’s aching muscles as he let himself slide down the side of the bath till the only thing remaining above the water was his head. Notes of jasmine from your scented epsom salts he swore he never indulged in filled the bathroom as the drip from the leaky faucet filled the void, the silent but all consuming void of nothingness that had followed Tom ‘Iceman’ Kazanksy around ever since he saw Nick ‘Goose’ Bradshaw break his neck during a freak accident.

It could have been avoided, the death of Goose Bradshaw. If Tom hadn't been so arrogant, if he hadn't started the chain reaction of events that led to Goose's death by cutting Maverick off—perhaps it all could have been avoided. He was so arrogant and sure of himself that he could get that shot, it was just a training exercise, no one should have died. 

The more he thought about it as he sunk deeper and deeper into the water, he knew he should have moved. He knew that it was his fault, his actions, and every choice that led to the death of Goose Bradshaw. 

And that was something he couldn’t live with. 

“Tom!” Your voice cut through the water like a breath of fresh air as you pulled your fiancé up from under the water he’d sunk under. “Jesus Christ what the hell are you doing?” It was the shock of walking into the bathroom and seeing your fiancé completely submerged and not making any attempt to move or get up that was talking. “Tom?” You asked as you assessed his face with both your hands cupping his cheeks. “What are you doing? What’s gotten into you?” You were in search of an answer that perhaps would have been written in the lines on his face—but when Tom reached up to take your hand in his and kissed your knuckles a few times. You knew something was wrong, very wrong. It was the look of dismissal in his eyes. 

The very look you saw from your mother right before she was admitted into the loony bin. 

“I’m fine—“ Tom tried to reassure you as you tried to keep your composure. “Totally fine dear, just thought it was real quiet under the water.” Tom  wanted to tell you about the voices in his head that he’d been trying to silence. Or about the way the burn his lungs felt as he begun to run out of oxygen made him feel closer to Goose. He wanted to be under that water—if you hadn’t pulled him up he would have truly stayed there. It seemed like a peaceful way to go. 

He wanted to tell you that it was all his fault, he killed Nick Bradshaw and he couldn’t stop thinking about it. He couldn’t live with the guilt, he saw that little kid on his mothers hip at the funeral three days prior and ever since he made eye contact with little Bradley Bradshaw—Tom wanted nothing more than to trade places with the RIO he killed with negligent flying. 

But he didn’t tell you any of that. Tom Kazanksy wouldn’t let his walls come down for no one. Not even you—he didn’t want to be seen as weak minded. His father had instilled a great fear of being seen as less than man enough if he were to ever shed a single tear. So the idea of crumbling to his knees, holding you tight and telling you he wanted nothing more than to trade places with a dead man was far beyond the realm of comprehension. 

“I’m fine honey, I was just in my own world for a second there.” You were completely disinclined to believe what your fiancé was saying. The signs were all there. The warning signals had been popping up for weeks. But all you did to keep the peace was nod in simple silence as you sat on the edge of the bathtub. “I love you, I’m sorry for spookin you.” 

“You’d tell me—“ You cooed as you pushed Tom's hair from his forehead. “You’d tell me if you weren’t alright wouldn’t you baby?” The question packed a punch Tom wasn’t exactly ready for. He couldn’t tell you, you’d think he was certifiably insane for having such thoughts. He didn’t want you to worry about him, he was fine, he was totally and completely fine. 

So he lied right through those perfect teeth of his. He held your hand back up to his lips and pressed gentle kisses across your knuckles. His eyes told you a completely different story to the rhetoric he was spinning. Tom was going under, he was drowning in his own sorrow and guilt for a man he’d let down, that he’d killed. But he wouldn’t tell you that, he couldn’t bring himself to explain to the love of his life. 

So he lied. He lied and lied and lied, hoping that one day soon he’d believe himself. 

“Absolutely.” 

***~***~***~***~***~***~***

He didn’t mean for it to happen, Tom Kazanksy never meant for his actions to result in his colleague and friends' untimely death. He didn’t mean to rip a family apart at the very seam. 

But he had. And he couldn’t cope with the guilt. 

“I’m worried about him, Carole.” You sighed as you walked with the newly widowed woman to her husband's grave. “He blames himself, much like Mav.” 

“It’s nobody's fault—“ Carole cooed as she held a bunch of roses in her hand and her sons in the other. Bradkey didn’t understand where his daddy had gone and it broke your heart. “It was just a freak accident—I know my husband wouldn't have put the blame on anyone, and I don’t either.” 

Carole Bradshaw was a beacon of hope to all the aviators who had lost a dear friend. She was the very reminder they needed to keep going, to keep her husband’s legacy alive by doing what he loved the most. 

“I think you should get him to talk to someone if you’re really concerned, even if he doesn’t think anything’s wrong—it always helps to talk it out.” Carole mentioned as she walked with you side by side. “I talk to a therapist about this new chapter twice a week.” She admitted tentatively. “Sometimes it feels all too much, then I remember I have Bradley.” She smiled softly, looking down at her husband’s surviving son. “He deserves to have a mother who’s as put together as can be.” That’s when Carole looked at you genuinely and wholeheartedly saw into your very soul as you held back tears. “Tom needs to be as put together as he can be, for the little one.” 

“I haven’t even told him yet.” You could feel your bottom lip wobbling as you spoke. “I don’t want to overwhelm him.” You were only a few weeks along and hadn’t worked up the courage to tell your fiancé yet. He wasn’t himself, between his need to be alone and his lack of attention to your relationship, you felt as if the news of a child would completely dismal Tom's very delicate mental state. “I’m not sure if he’s ready—“

“Maybe if he knew he’d helped create life then the idea he took it away wouldn’t be as overwhelming.” Carole always knew just what to say even when she was barely keeping herself together. After all, it was her husband's grace you were going to visit—not Toms. “Not that he had any involvement, because it was an accident.” 

“How many times have you told yourself that?”

You had to ask. “You know, before you started to believe it?” 

Carole let out a deep sigh that sounded like it came from her very soul. She squeezed her son's hand three consecutive times and did her best to keep her composure. 

“I tell myself that every day.” 

***~***~***~***~***~***~***~

“Honey?” Days turned into weeks before you had even noticed that the weeks had long since turned into months. Tom was for the most part a shell of his former self. He wasn’t home when all the lights seemed to be on. “Tom baby, are you home?” 

You’d gotten a call from Viper halfway through your shift, he was concerned to say the very least about Tom and the fact he hadn’t shown up for work this morning really had him worried. He’d asked the pilot if he was doing okay a few times since the accident—but every time he pressed, Tom did what he did best and shut the very people who cared about him the most, out. 

“Tom? Honey it’s me baby—Viper called?” You cooed as you placed your keys in the little dish by the front door. The house was eerily quiet for the mid afternoon. Usually the offshore breeze would be blowing through the open windows, but when the air felt still, stale even. Like nothing had moved since you had left this morning. Like nobody had been home all day—yet your fiancés trunk was in the drive. A dead give away. “Honey?” 

It was all very ominous, the stillness of your humble apartment, the ground floor of a four story building on the outskirts of Fightertown. The usually warm and cozy living room felt as cold as ice when you walked on by. Nothing looked out of the ordinary. Nothing seemed different or misplaced—but the quiet hum, the bubbling anxiety inside your chest told you something was wrong. Something was off and something terrible was about to happen, or had happened. 

You remembered what your mother looked like the night your dad had taken her to the emergency room. Her night gown was soaked in crimson blood that would never wash out. You tried. 

“Tom? Honey, are you in there?” The bathroom door wasn’t locked, but it was closed shut. Your hand tightened around the doorknob as you let your forehead rest against the painted frame. “Please just answer me? I won’t come in if you don’t want me to.” You sighed to yourself as you closed your eyes and tried to will away the thoughts of your mother. 

You always thought it would be you, mental health instability ran in your family like nothing you had ever seen. But here you were, your fiancé had been suffering and he refused to let you in. He refused to be a burden on you and now? Now you were afraid to open the door, you were terrified beyond belief at what you might see. 

“Tom—“ Your feet felt frozen as you turned the door handle, the bathroom door slowly but surely creaked open. Time stood still as your eyes landed on the broad shouldered aviator lying in bloodied bath water that looked as thick as gelatin. “Oh god! TOM!” 

The shrill that left your body as you rushed over was a sound so painstakingly familiar that for a moment you swore you had heard your father scream behind you. History had a funny way of repeating itself. 

“Tom, honey—open your eyes baby look at me!” You tried to stay as calm as you could. “I’ve gotta call an ambulance.” That was the priority, call for help, stop the bleeding, save your fiancé’s life. You kept repeating it over and over like a mantra that would forever be embedded into your soul. Call for help, stop the bleeding, save Tom's life.”  

The home phone was down the hall and boy did it kill you every second you were gone, but when you came back to the bathroom, you brought bandages and gauze from the first aid kit you kept in the kitchen with you. 

“I’m here baby, I’m here.” Tom was unconscious but he still had a very weak, very faint, hardly there at all paulse. “Please don’t leave us, we’re right here, please please please don’t do this to us.” Twelve weeks, that’s how far along you were. For twelve weeks you had kept your pregnancy a secret from everyone except Carole Bradshaw. For twelve weeks your fiancé had been so distant and so closed off, disconnected even he hadn’t noticed the bouts of sickness, the fatigue, the way your stomach seemed a little more distended then it usually did. You weren’t showing all that much—but you thought the man you loved unconditionally, with your entire heart, with everything you had and more, would have noticed. 

But he didn’t. 

“Come on baby.” You tried to move him from the bathtub but the dead weight of Tom Kazanksys unconscious body was far too heavy for you to handle. “Stay with us, please.” Blood threatened to stain all aspects of the bathroom. The tiles, your clothes, even Tom's skin. But you did what you could with what you had to stop the bleeding coming from his wrists. Slashed deep. You had to hold back the nausea you felt as you wrapped both your fiancé’s wrists tight to stop them from bleeding any more, but judging by the amount of blood in the water and on the side of the bath—Tom had already lost a lot. 

This wasn’t a cry for help, this was so much more. This wasn’t just to feel something, this was to feel nothing at all. 

“I’m sorry I wasn’t more observant.” You cried as you kept Tom above the water, his head lulled to the side in your hands as you waited for the medics to arrive. “Honey, oh baby we love you so much, please don’t do this to us, please don’t leave.” You had to keep your fingers pressed against his neck, pressed against Tom’s pulse point to remind yourself he was still with you. “If you leave us so help me Christ Tom I’ll never forgive you—don’t you do this to me baby.” 

***~***~***~***~**

“No.” The last person Tom Kazanksy wanted to see was you, but here you were—sleeping in the small hospital chair beside his bed with your hand delicately intertwined with his. “No god no—“ He wasn’t supposed to be here with you. He was supposed to be dead, he wasn’t supposed to be alive where the burden was all too much and the guilt was all consuming. He couldn’t be here. “I’m alive?”

He couldn’t remember what happened after he’d sliced his wrists, but for what he could put together he assumed you would have been the one who found him. He left a letter on your pillow, he wondered if you’d found it. 

“A clinician is going to come in and speak with you soon.” Tom looked over at you as you spoke, your eyes were barely open, but when he finally met your gaze he saw the hurt he’d caused in them. “Tom—“

“You should have let me die.” Was all he said back to you. The words he spoke hurt more than he would ever know. “It’s my fault he died.” 

“Maverick said—“

“Forget what fucking Maverick said Y/n!” Tom snapped as you readjusted yourself in the chair you sat perched on. “I killed him! Goose died because I was flying recklessly and now I can’t live with the fucking guilt—you should have let me die!” 

“There are people who can help Tom.” You were a little more stirn than you would have liked to have been, but your fiancé had just tried to kill himself over his own deep rooted resentment for himself. “God why on earth do you think that killing yourself is the only option here?” 

“Because I don’t wanna go on living knowing I ruined someone else’s life!” He cried, Tom Kazanksy barely ever cried, in front of people anyway. But here he was, crying in front of you after he’d failed at taking his own life. You’d stopped him. “And if you hadn’t come home I’d be fucking dead! I wouldn’t have to live with myself and I wouldn’t have to look at you and wish you’d stop interfering!” 

It hit you in that very moment that when you’d found Tom in the bath he had in fact not been alright, he was trying to drown himself. Only you’d pulled him to the surface. 

“I don’t want you around anymore.” You looked at your fiancé with pleading eyes. “I don’t love you enough to stay, I don’t love you enough to keep fighting the fight I know I’ll fucking lose because I’m not strong enough.” It hurt more than anything else in this world. “You don’t need me, you don’t deserve to have to babysit me wondering when I’ll try again, because I will. I’ll try again until I’m dead and gone and don’t have to live with the guilt.” 

“Tom—“ Tom Kazanksy was the love of your life. He was once the funny and charismatic man who swept you off your feet. But now as you sat by his hospital bed after saving his life, all he could say to you was why did you even bother. “I can’t leave you after this, you need someone—“ 

“If you stay I’ll just end up hating you—“ That was the nail in the coffin of your broken relationship. “I’ll hate you for saving me and I’ll hate you forever, so please, just leave, go.” Maverick stood by the door, he’d come to see if you needed anything. He had heard every word Ice spoke and his heart was broken for you. You didn’t see any of this. 

This was so much worse than he ever thought it was. Maverick watched as you got up out of your chair, crying hysterically as you held a protective hand over your small but there baby bump. He knew. He knew you were pregnant, Carole had slipped up one night when she was in her own head about the entire situation.

“And don’t think I don’t know either.” Tom added as your tears fell down your face. He watched as you stopped in your tracks. “That baby is better off never knowing me.” He hissed as you kept your back turned, he wasn’t the same man you loved. This was the shell of a man you once knew, a broken man who had pushed everyone, including you away. “If you had bothered to tell me I would have asked you to abort it, saved you the trouble of my burden.” You turned back to face your fiancé as he spiraled further into his psychotic break. “It’s one of the reasons I did it, I don’t deserve to be a father after what I did.” 

You took a deep breath as you wiggled your engagement ring off your ringer before you slowly moved back to the bedside. Tom watched you with teary eyes of his own. He couldn’t believe that he was giving up his entire world because he couldn’t handle the immense guilt, the shame, the fear he felt all for kissing one of his friends. 

“You were right.” You dropped the ring into his lap, deciding that if Tom Kazanksy had given up on living that he didn’t deserve you. He didn’t deserve your support, your love, your energy or your child. This was different to what your mother went through, this wasn’t just depression, this was selfishness and cruel behaviour. 

And hell—two could play at that game, become why on god's green earth should you continue to try and save someone who didn’t want to be saved?”

“You weren’t worth saving.” You whispered as you turned on your heels to head out of the room as the clinician walked in. Loving Tom Kazanksy had turned into a losing game. But you had just one final thing to say over your shoulder. 

“Say hi to Goose when you see him, maybe you’ll believe him when he tells you it wasn’t ever your fault.” 

***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***~***

Whumptober Tags 🏷️ @xoxabs88xox @oldermenaremyreligion @slut-f0r-u @emma-is-cool @armydrcamers @topguncortez @topgun-imagines @kmc1989 @els-marvelvsp @blindedbythelightt

[general-kalani]

Me having a revelation about Vaas that he wasn't REALLY trying that hard to kill Jason and was just building up Jason's hatred towards him to get to his own end goal:

Finally being free.

The amount of times in 3, in the comic, in the Fc6 dlc there's always been one moment where Vaas has pointed a gun at his own head so clearly he saw Jason as a tool to meet this end goal because HE certainly can't do it and none of his pirates want to do it either.

That's it those are the thoughts of tonight-

[leticiaxoliveira]

LETICIA CAMILA OLIVEIRA

age: 30.

gender & pronouns: demigirl & she/they.

neighborhood: claret park.

occupations: international best-selling author, influencer/content creator, and the owner of the comic lab.

fc: giovana cordeiro.

HER STORY

trigger warnings: cheating, divorce, toxic relationship, pregnancy, drug overdose, drug addiction, attack, mental health (depression, anxiety, suicidal tendencies), suicide attempt, miscarriage, cancer, car accident, death.

Bruna and Andre Oliveira always knew that they wanted the best for their daughter. That they wanted her to grow up strong, connected to her roots but also have the love to fly. When Leticia came to their lives, they knew that they loved her more than anything else in the world. They just didn’t realize that their daughter was going to experience quite an adventure as she grew up. For the longest time, Bruna and Andre thought that the most adventurous thing they’d explore with Leti was her sexuality and gender identity, something she discovered herself when she was thirteen. Living in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, they had struggled for awhile learning about this and it resulted in her being sent to an international school in Dubai. For awhile, Leti absolutely hated the school. Yet somehow, over time, it grew to not become too bad and it certainly helped her with her English. She even eventually started seeing someone when she was sixteen.

Falling in love for the first time was once of the simplest yet most beautiful things she’d ever experience. While she hadn’t been expecting him, she knew that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. Even when she told him about her sexuality and gender identity, he only seemed to love her more and more. With both of their parents’ permission and blessings, they were set in an arrange marriage and promised to each other. Everything was going perfectly... Until news of Leti’s pregnancy came out.

Leticia and her fiancé had just finished graduating from high school, the two ready to start university in the autumn and work even closer to starting their life together. But the moment their parents found out that she was pregnant, they were furious. Her meant-to-be-future-in-laws accused her of sleeping around and cheating on their son. In the midst of it all, he had panicked and said that he wasn’t the father, leaving her heartbroken. The engagement was called off, she was forced to say goodbye to the person she loved, and under a lot of scrutinizing pressure, Leticia’s parents cut her off. Giving her enough money so that she’d be comfortable for awhile then giving her the slip.

She felt lost in it all. At eighteen years old, she was completely removed from everyone she loved and everything she knew. Having meant to start school at Harvard, she moved out to Boston as quickly as possible. Trying to prepare everything she could before her babies---yes, babies; Leti was pregnant with twins---were meant to come and school was to start. With the money her parents gave her, she was able to find a small apartment that worked yet saved the rest of the money to go towards the babies. She’d been quick to get a job, trying to earn enough money so that she could be able to provide for her children. Soon enough, her twin girls, Leia and Belle (after her favourite Star Wars character and Disney Princess), came into her life. By then, she had a steady job at a Barnes and Noble while also taking a few night classes for her Creative Writing and Hospitality Management majors. Eventually, as the years gone by and her daughters grew up more and more, the more she continued her schooling and the bills began to pile up, Leti took on a second job as a performer at the hottest strip club in Boston. It was a job that she never saw herself partaking in, but thanks to having grown up dancing, it was a job she became good at. Eventually, she graduated from Harvard and while she had been blessed with many scholarships and grants, there were still loans to be paid. Her daughters had been the only light in her life... At least, until sometime later, she met a young woman who came to Boston for a little bit: Carla Villanueva. For the first time in forever, she connected with someone—she was falling in love again. She never saw Carla coming and after what happened with her ex-fiancé and father of her daughters, she’d been scared. Admittedly, what they had was brief and eventually, Carla had to leave whereas Leticia stayed. But god, she wished she had joined her. She never would’ve met Luca then.

Luca was a man who was so angry with the world he earned money by underground fighting and she needed a distraction from everything. Whether it was her internal anxiety struggling over how she would provide for her girls to how she’ll take care of her college expenses to missing Carla, she turned to Luca despite him scaring her a little bit. His anger brought out the worst in him and seeing one of his matches, Leti soon ghosted after months of them sleeping together. She’d been afraid of him showing that side of him to her when by themselves, or worse: to her daughters. But after Leticia suffered a drug overdose on Valentine’s Day and was in the hospital for awhile, he soon came back into her life. Not too long later, she married Luca. Was it for love? At first, perhaps there’d been some true feelings for him. But after awhile, he went from being a loving partner to a jealous and possessive asshole. He never showed his true colours around Leia and Belle, and kept control whenever the two would fight. It was toxic and while she tried to maintain her ground, deep down, the girl was terrified of the day he’d no longer have control over himself. When she found out she was pregnant, though, things did calm down. They were working together and communicating. For a moment, she was starting to believe that she was actually in love with him. That is, until she lost the baby.

It’d been about four months into the pregnancy and she wasn’t showing much yet, but it’d taken a huge blow on the both of them. One night, Luca finally admitted that he blamed her. Once more, their cycle of screaming matches and breaking things came back. Once more did her fear that Luca would lose his control came back and she feared it happening. And one night, it came deeply close. She found out he was having multiple affairs and with the girls at a sleepover, she took the opportunity to confront him. They had the worst fight ever that night: screaming well into the early morning, all kinds of shit knocked over and/or broken, holes that had been punched into the walls. They hadn’t gotten physical with each other, not until later when they decided to fuck instead of continue their screaming, but she’d been terrified the entire time. That night, she began a plan on filing for divorce.

After that, she finally decided to get her shit together and to make plans on getting away. While she stayed working at Barnes and Noble and the club while also started to also do dance performances for events to earn extra money, she was trying to find a nice place in Somerville where she and the girls could live together. She started to get her life back on track and to become the adult she needed to be. If not for herself, then for her daughters. For awhile, things were going good. Her and Luca didn’t fight again yet she continued her plan, while he was none the wiser. Then an incident happened at work, a rowdy client who was drunk and acting inappropriately. He’d tried to make a move on her and she told him off, causing him to punch her before slicing her arm with a knife he snuck in. If it hadn’t been for his friends and the bodyguards stopping him, she wouldn’t be here. She had quickly snuck away to a bathroom, grabbing supplies so that she could stitch herself back together and deal with what the fuck happened. It was a massive wakeup call and she knew that she needed to sort her shit out. How she did that, though, was nerve-wracking: by seeking out her parents. Over the years, Andre and Bruna had moved from Brazil to the States. The couple were the owners of the prestigious and luxurious resort and hotel chain known as The Jade Palace, having been a family business run by the Oliveiras since the late 1800s, and they had opened up a new location there in Boston. Learning about her parents living there, she cautiously sought them out. At first, it wasn’t a happy reunion and she’d been turn away. Then, while she’d been out with her daughters, they ran into each other again. Her parents finally seeing their granddaughters for the first time. Seeing Leia and Belle was exactly what the two needed for them to wake up. They offered their help, finally, and she took it.

She finally had the divorce papers and restraining order given to Luca. She moved out completely and into her parents’ new-ish Boston home, her and the girls safe and sound in the Oliveira mansion. She left her job at the club so that she could begin working as a front-end attendant for the hotel before eventually making her way up. While she kept her job at the bookstore for as long as she could, having genuinely loved working there, she left it eventually to focus on her family and the Jade Palace. For awhile, she finally got everything under control. Her life was back in order. Her dad then made her an offer: to move to Providence Peak in early 2020 when the new location of the Jade Palace were to open in the summer of 2021 and undergo a process to be the owner of the hotel. During that time, she’d been able to release a well-received Young Adult book and considered with returning to the idea of becoming an author, a childhood dream of hers, but she decided to take her father’s offer. Soon enough, Leticia and her daughters moved to Providence Peak.

Never had she expected a small mountain city to take over her heart the way it did. While she’s made some friends (and enemies) and even some surprising reconnections, while she also released a second book, while she found herself enjoying owning the Providence Peak location of her family’s hotel, while she reconnected with Carla and even began to try to start something with her, it would eventually end come early 2022. Her father’s health had been deteriorating and she had a duty as his daughter to return to help him. While she promised to return back to Providence Peak one day, she needed to focus on her father and especially on her daughters. Yet over the course of that time, she soon made a decision. Her step-cousin, Zahava Kamara, would become the new owner of the entire Jade Palace hotelier.

With her father battling cancer, things had been rough at the beginning. She had to watch her father, a normally strong man, in his weakest moment and it killed her. It was hard having to watch him like that and many times she found herself crying at night, feeling helpless. To add salt to the wound, her and Carla were beginning to grow estranged. A factor that broke her heart, especially after believing they could be together again and promising to return to return to her. As months went on and the longer she stayed in Boston, she began to fear that her promise would be broken. Eventually, Andre began to grow stronger, healthier, better. In August of 2022, during an appointment with his doctor, finally some good news came: he was cancer-free. Andre and Bruna were ecstatic. With the girls having a soccer tournament, though, Leticia had been unable to attend the appointment. During a break in the match, she’d gotten a call from her parents and they informed her of the happy news. All before tragedy would soon struck again; During the middle of the call, while they’d been driving, a collision happened and resulted in the worst thing imaginable: her parents died in the accident.

Leti couldn’t express her devastation over the path life led her on again. One minute, she was receiving the best news she’s heard in awhile. The next, she received the worst news. After the funeral, Leti’s best friend and older sister figure, Rachel Hargrove, offered to watch the girls for awhile back in Providence Peak. Have them return home and be with friends again while she took time to mourn. Considering how deeply and intensely the woman felt things, she knew that it was for the best. And for awhile, she mourned. She downward spiraled and took the time to do so. Yet, eventually, she remembered that her parents wouldn’t want her to be like this. That they would rather her try to find joy in life again instead of mourn. Wiping away her tears and trying to find peace within herself, she soon got to work. She soon was making preparations over the family mansion and her parents belongings for both their homes in Rio and in Boston, making sure to contact her family overseas and work with them as well. She even created a YouTube channel, using it as a way to connect more with her readers and to fully express her love of fandom, along with starting up a TikTok, much to her preteen daughters’ chagrin. Eventually, after all business in Boston and concerning her family was dealt with, after she found herself in a better mental situation, she would soon switch over to a new target: returning back to Providence Peak.

While still in Boston, she’d been able to lock down on a new house in Claret Park, her, Leia, and Belle inheriting a large fortune both her parents left behind for them, among other things. However, she knew that she wanted to do more things in her life once she made her way back home. After contacting the owner of the Comic Lab, which had been one of her favourite places in Providence Peak, she soon struck a deal with them: she bought the comic book store, intending on finding a newer, bigger building for it and expand its merchandise and other things to offer. A large building for all nerdy fandom-loving people with merchandise, books, and all types of products with a café to serve food and drinks inspired by a multitude of fandoms and pop culture, she plans on the Comic Lab to grow into a business that’s basically the love child of Barnes and Noble, FYE, Game Stop, and Hot Topic (in her defense, they have many incredible pop culture products). Working with many book publications and organizations like BoxLunch and Loungefly to distribute these products.

After working on this project for awhile, along with writing a new book, Leticia has finally realized that it was now time to return home. Part of her is excited, especially to reunite with some people. Part of her is nervous, especially to reunite with some people. Yet overall, Leti is ready to put her past behind her and to try and find happiness for herself and for her daughters. Even if she is giving life the stink-eye in fear of it throwing another wrench at her.

[tubchunk]

okay but today showed just how concerning q!tubbo's behavior and attitudes are becoming, and how it's probably going to be too late until someone notices.

i'll be honest, q!tubbo has ALWAYS been reckless and willing to throw himself into dangerous situations without much thought or consideration. but something about how he does it now has been worse, i'd say.

even since coming back from purgatory, the first couple days after he first met sunny, he was actually MORE careful. i don't think he got knocked once, was always wearing armor, was always careful. except for lucky ducks, where he gave sunny all of his armor, and lied to her about having a backup set and then went in anyway, getting knocked MANY times in the process. but even that, can be looked over.

but ever since fred's funeral. man.

it is so glaringly obvious how bad it has gotten. the actual day OF the stream, q!tubbo was jumping from the side of the hole in ways that got him knocked TWICE, and sunny had to pick him up. then, later when tallulah accidentally dropped the picture she had taken, he jumped down from the top of the wall WITHOUT PULLING OUT HIS GLIDER, and then just casually went back up. when q!pierre was shooting at them, he almost involuntarily threw himself before sunny like a shield, taking all those shots.

and then we come to today. q!tubbo hasn't gotten himself any real armor other than the chestplate from lucky ducks, he misplaced his glider in one of the chests, and then proceeded to MULTIPLE TIMES, jump down into the hole and get knocked, with the simple explanation that "sunny will save me". he fought mobs a bit slower, tanking more hits. and then he jumped back down the hole again, except this time HE DIED. he hasn't died like that on the server in a while. and then, when stuck at q!pierre's base, he decided that he has to die again, and leaves a block in his inventory so his corpse remains there, and he dies again. then finally, when he is back at the factory after all that, he just goes to the chest and pulls out the glider, and when asked about it, yeah he knew it was there the whole time.

i know a lot of this is probably just coincidence but I DON'T KNOW.... with cc!tubbo confirming (and not elaborating) that q!tubbo hasn't even showered since purgatory (my guy the smell) and then all this..... the subtle arc thats being set up and played out for q!tubbo is making me nervous.

[tubborucho]

Sunny is worried ;-;

[itsbebebrainrotting]

I love maining both bbh and tubbo cuz ill watch tubbos stream and be watching a character with suicidal tendencies that other characters don't notice and then I'll watch bbhs stream and be watching a character with suicidal tendencies that other characters don't notice

[thebasementgirl]

I remembered something today and wanted to thank OFMD for doing it:

When a person in a deep state of depression, apathy and irritation wakes up one morning suddenly smiling and calm, this is a very serious sign that you should be concerned

[sweetie-peaches]

I need the post saying how the qsmp is all about love

Despite not knowing the extent of what tubbos going through or what’s happening, his friends still care. They see him being reckless with his life and they don’t understand the full extent of why but they still /care/ the best they can do.

The eggs comforting him, even if they can’t understand they still offer comfort and kindness the best they can.

It’s all about love, not knowing whats going on with someone but /seeing/ and caring

It’s all about love.

[mmyashas]

hi! you're a big q!roier fan, so I was wondering if you had any tips on writing him for someone who doesn't know that much about him! I wanna include him in one of my fics, but I don't know where to start when it comes to writing him, so some tips would help a lot!

hello my dearest anon . .. ...... :-) i myself am not that great at this i think ahahaha but i will give you my best advice....

id say the most important thing that you've got to remember when writing him is that he swears . a lot. and he's also a jokester type of guy, even in lore moments he'll throw in a meme or two (ej: estoy cansado jefe) yet his cubito as a whole uses jokes as a coping mechanism. that doesn't mean he can't recognize his own feelings (ej. being upset at qcellbit killing abueloier) and can be often very empathetic, knowing how to start AND end convos. he's also very charismatic i feel like. this also gives him a leeway to be an asshole sometimes LOL (ej. him teasing qmaxo) here's some of roier's mannerisms which translate into his cubito... both in eng and esp. erm erm what else he's also not that serious but can recognize when a situation needs him to be (ej. him guiding bobby through a tantrum)

though RECENTLY his cubito has kept most of those traits, he's definitely going through a lot which has caused him to be more abrasive and blunt. he's also very self destructive and suicidal and expresses that a lot through his actions (ej purgatory and the pool) it makes him a lot more rougher so he doesn't get attached (spoiler alert. he does anyways) he also holds grudges.......... and gets revenge if he can ^_^ (ej him still not being over qspreen killing him) he also impels people to do things he doesnt want to do or feels like benefit him . etcetc

wow i have rambled quite a bit...Hope it helps!!!!!!

[deklo]

:/ kinda wanna draw the foxhole/bathtub scene from tsc :/

[juneknight]

Would anyone be interested in a vent fic where fem!reader (maybe a coworker of Steven’s?) is dealing with trauma/self-harm and Marc is the only one to notice? Rewatching MK and all of Marc’s suicidal tendencies have me craving some self-indulgent hurt/comfort 🥺

[lunanight2012]

Peeps, im concerned about my mental health rn. Cuz like ive been specifically looking up fics about sanji attempting suicide. And im NOT suicidal, like death scares the shit outta me.... but like.... why am i so intrigued.

Obviously its always Zoro stopping/saving him. Cuz my zosan heart craves it obviously... but if anyone has any fic recs i would love to see them!

[leticiaxoliveira]

DEVI MAHAVALLI CHOWTA

age: 31.

gender & pronouns: demigirl & she/they.

neighborhood: claret park.

occupations: international best-selling author, influencer/content creator, and the owner of the comic lab.

fc: pooja hegde.

HER STORY

trigger warnings: cheating, divorce, toxic relationship, pregnancy, teen pregnancy, drug overdose, attack, mental health (depression, anxiety, suicidal tendencies), suicide attempt, miscarriage, cancer, car accident, death.

Abbakka Banga-Chowta and Ranveer Chowta always knew that they wanted the best for their daughter. That they wanted her to grow up strong, connected to her roots but also have the love to fly. When Devi came to their lives, they knew that they loved her more than anything else in the world. They just didn’t realize that their daughter was going to experience quite an adventure as she grew up. For the longest time, Abbakka and Ranveer thought that the most adventurous thing they’d explore with Devi was her sexuality and gender identity, something she discovered herself when she was thirteen. Living in Mumbai, India, they had struggled for awhile learning about this and it resulted in her being sent to an international school in Dubai. For awhile, Devi absolutely hated the school. Yet somehow, over time, it grew to not become too bad and it certainly helped her with her English. She even eventually started seeing someone when she was sixteen.

Falling in love for the first time was once of the simplest yet most beautiful things she’d ever experience. While she hadn’t been expecting him, she knew that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. Even when she told him about her sexuality and gender identity, he only seemed to love her more and more. With both of their parents’ permission and blessings, they were set in an arrange marriage and promised to each other. Everything was going perfectly... Until news of Devi’s pregnancy came out.

Devi and her fiancé had just finished graduating from high school, the two ready to start university in the autumn and work even closer to starting their life together. But the moment their parents found out that she was pregnant, they were furious. Her meant-to-be-future-in-laws accused her of sleeping around and cheating on their son. In the midst of it all, he had panicked and said that he wasn’t the father, leaving Devi heartbroken. The engagement was called off, she was forced to say goodbye to the person she loved, and under a lot of scrutinizing pressure, Devi’s parents cut her off. Giving her enough money so that she’d be comfortable for awhile then giving her the slip.

She felt lost in it all. At eighteen years old, she was completely removed from everyone she loved and everything she knew. Having meant to start school at Harvard, she moved out to Boston as quickly as possible. Trying to prepare everything she could before her babies---yes, babies; Devi was pregnant with twins---were meant to come and school was to start. With the money her parents gave her, she was able to find a small apartment that worked yet saved the rest of the money to go towards the babies. She’d been quick to get a job, trying to earn enough money so that she could be able to provide for her children. Soon enough, her twin girls, Leia and Belle (after her favourite Star Wars character and Disney Princess), came into her life. By then, she had a steady job at a Barnes and Noble while also taking a few night classes for her Creative Writing and Hospitality Management majors. Eventually, as the years gone by and her daughters grew up more and more, the more she continued her schooling and the bills began to pile up, Devi took on a second job as a performer at the hottest strip club in Boston. It was a job that she never saw herself partaking in, but thanks to having grown up dancing, it was a job she became good at. Eventually, she graduated from Harvard and while she had been blessed with many scholarships and grants, there were still loans to be paid. Her daughters had been the only light in her life... At least, until sometime later, she met a young woman who came to Boston for a little bit: Carla Villanueva. For the first time in forever, she connected with someone—she was falling in love again. She never saw Carla coming and after what happened with her ex-fiancé and father of her daughters, she’d been scared. Admittedly, what they had was brief and eventually, Carla had to leave whereas Devi stayed. But god, she wished she had joined her. She never would’ve met Luca then.

Luca was a man who was so angry with the world he earned money by underground fighting and she needed a distraction from everything. Whether it was her internal anxiety struggling over how she would provide for her girls to how she’ll take care of her college expenses to missing Carla, she turned to Luca despite him scaring her a little bit. His anger brought out the worst in him and seeing one of his matches, Devi soon ghosted after months of them sleeping together. She’d been afraid of him showing that side of him to her when by themselves, or worse: to her daughters. But after Devi suffered a drug overdose on Valentine’s Day and was in the hospital for awhile, he soon came back into her life. Not too long later, she married Luca. Was it for love? At first, perhaps there’d been some true feelings for him. But after awhile, he went from being a loving partner to a jealous and possessive asshole. He never showed his true colours around Leia and Belle, and kept control whenever him and Devi would fight. It was toxic and while she tried to maintain her ground, deep down, the girl was terrified of the day he’d no longer have control over himself. When Devi found out she was pregnant, though, things did calm down. They were working together and communicating. For a moment, she was starting to believe that she was actually in love with him. That is, until she lost the baby.

It’d been about four months into the pregnancy and she wasn’t showing much yet, but it’d taken a huge blow on the both of them. One night, Luca finally admitted that he blamed her. Once more, their cycle of screaming matches and breaking things came back. Once more did Devi’s fear that Luca would lose his control came back and she feared it happening. And one night, it came deeply close. She found out he was having multiple affairs and with the girls at a sleepover, she took the opportunity to confront him. They had the worst fight ever that night: screaming well into the early morning, all kinds of shit knocked over and/or broken, holes that had been punched into the walls. They hadn’t gotten physical with each other, not until later when they decided to fuck instead of continue their screaming, but she’d been terrified the entire time. That night, she began a plan on filing for divorce.

After that, Devi finally decided to get her shit together and to make plans on getting away. While she stayed working at Barnes and Noble and the club while also started to also do dance performances for events to earn extra money, she was trying to find a nice place in Somerville where she and the girls could live together. Devi started to get her life back on track and to become the adult she needed to be. If not for herself, then for her daughters. For awhile, things were going good. Her and Luca didn’t fight again yet she continued her plan, while he was none the wiser. Then an incident happened at work, a rowdy client who was drunk and acting inappropriately. He’d tried to make a move on her and she told him off, causing him to punch her before slicing her arm with a knife he snuck in. If it hadn’t been for his friends and the bodyguards stopping him, she wouldn’t be here. She had quickly snuck away to a bathroom, grabbing supplies so that she could stitch herself back together and deal with what the fuck happened. It was a massive wakeup call and she knew that she needed to sort her shit out. How she did that, though, was nerve-wracking: by seeking out her parents. Over the years, Ranveer and Abbakka had moved from India to the States. The couple were the owners of the prestigious and luxurious resort and hotel chain known as The Jade Palace, having been a family business run by the Chowta’s since the late 1800s, and they had opened up a new location there in Boston. Learning about her parents living there, she cautiously sought them out. At first, it wasn’t a happy reunion and she’d been turn away. Then, while she’d been out with her daughters, they ran into each other again. Her parents finally seeing their granddaughters for the first time. Seeing Leia and Belle was exactly what the two needed for them to wake up. They offered their help, finally, and Devi took it.

She finally had the divorce papers and restraining order given to Luca. She moved out completely and into her parents’ new-ish Boston home, her and the girls safe and sound in the Chowta mansion. She left her job at the club so that she could begin working as a front-end attendant for the hotel before eventually making her way up. While she kept her job at the bookstore for as long as she could, having genuinely loved working there, she left it eventually to focus on her family and the Jade Palace. For awhile, she finally got everything under control. Her life was back in order. Her dad then made her an offer: to move to Providence Peak in early 2020 when the new location of the Jade Palace were to open in the summer of 2021 and undergo a process to be the owner of the hotel. During that time, she’d been able to release a well-received Young Adult book and considered with returning to the idea of becoming an author, a childhood dream of hers, but she decided to take her father’s offer. Soon enough, Devi and her daughters moved to Providence Peak.

Never had she expected a small mountain city to take over her heart the way it did. While she’s made some friends (and enemies) and even some surprising reconnections, while she also released a second book, while she found herself enjoying owning the Providence Peak location of her family’s hotel, while she reconnected with Carla and even began to try to start something with her, it would eventually end come early 2022. Her father’s health had been deteriorating and she had a duty as his daughter to return to help him. While she promised to return back to Providence Peak one day, she needed to focus on her father and especially on her daughters. Yet over the course of that time, Devi soon made a decision. Her step-cousin, Nazli Ertuğul, would become the new owner of the entire Jade Palace hotelier.

With her father battling cancer, things had been rough at the beginning. She had to watch her father, a normally strong man, in his weakest moment and it killed her. It was hard having to watch him like that and many times Devi found herself crying at night, feeling helpless. To add salt to the wound, her and Carla were beginning to grow estranged. A factor that broke her heart, especially after believing they could be together again and promising to return to return to her. As months went on and the longer she stayed in Boston, she began to fear that her promise would be broken. Eventually, Ranveer began to grow stronger, healthier, better. In August of 2022, during an appointment with his doctor, finally some good news came: he was cancer-free. Ranveer and Abbakka were ecstatic. With the girls having a soccer tournament, though, Devi had been unable to attend the appointment. During a break in the match, she’d gotten a call from her parents and they informed her of the happy news. All before tragedy would soon struck again; During the middle of the call, while they’d been driving, a collision happened and resulted in the worst thing imaginable: her parents died in the accident.

Devi couldn’t express her devastation over the path life led her on again. One minute, she was receiving the best news she’s heard in awhile. The next, she received the worst news. After the funeral, Devi’s best friend and older sister figure, Rachel Hargrove, offered to watch the girls for awhile back in Providence Peak. Have them return home and be with friends again while Devi took time to mourn. Considering how deeply and intensely the woman felt things, she knew that it was for the best. And for awhile, she mourned. She downward spiraled and took the time to do so. Yet, eventually, she remembered that her parents wouldn’t want her to be like this. That they would rather her try to find joy in life again instead of mourn. Wiping away her tears and trying to find peace within herself, she soon got to work. She soon was making preparations over the family mansion and her parents belongings for both their homes in Mumbai and in Boston, making sure to contact her family overseas and work with them as well. She even created a YouTube channel, using it as a way to connect more with her readers and to fully express her love of fandom, along with starting up a TikTok, much to her newly teenaged daughters’ chagrin. Eventually, after all business in Boston and concerning her family was dealt with, after she found herself in a better mental situation, she would soon switch over to a new target: returning back to Providence Peak.

While still in Boston, she’d been able to lock down on a new house in Claret Park, her, Leia, and Belle inheriting a large fortune both Ranveer and Abbakka left behind for them, among other things. However, she knew that she wanted to do more things in her life once she made her way back home. After contacting the owner of the Comic Lab, which had been one of her favourite places in Providence Peak, she soon struck a deal with them: she bought the comic book store, intending on finding a newer, bigger building for it and expand its merchandise and other things to offer. A large building for all nerdy fandom-loving people with merchandise, books, and all types of products with a café to serve food and drinks inspired by a multitude of fandoms and pop culture, she plans on the Comic Lab to grow into a business that’s basically the love child of Barnes and Noble, FYE, Game Stop, and Hot Topic (in her defense, they have many incredible pop culture products). Working with many book publications and organizations like BoxLunch and Loungefly to distribute these products.

After working on this project for awhile, along with writing a new book, Devi has finally realized that it was now time to return home. Part of her is excited, especially to reunite with some people. Part of her is nervous, especially to reunite with some people. Yet overall, Devi is ready to put her past behind her and to try and find happiness for herself and for her daughters. Even if she is giving life the stink-eye in fear of it throwing another wrench at her.

[tubchunk]

q!tubbo was so mucu happier and dping so much better today! like he worked on the storage system (something that reminded him of tubchunk), he jmhung out with both q!pac and q!fit after a while and stayed with them, he and q!foolish along with sunny ran dungeons with crazy loot, the bunny guy was a fun and imteresting interaction that also spawned in an idea and a possibility of workijg with the federation for it.

its all going well for him!!

....

although...

going from being lost and despairing just yesterday to being in a much better mood today, it could just be that maybe things are feeling more normal.

but also, a not-so-common but hard to spot sign that someone is suicidal and its concerning is when they suddenly appear to be in a better mood and almost have a second wind.....

not saying thats whats happening but.... its what i thought of....

[tubborucho]

Watching Bad's vod now and Em pointed out that Tubbo wouldn't have actually killed Richas for a bet, which I agree with, but Richas said he would've killed himself then D:

It makes sense but it's awful to see him say stuff like that so explicitly

Yeah, I also noticed that. Both Tubbo and Richas displayed suicidal tendencies for months now, so I am not surprised. But it is concerning.

[lvminisciel]

You are a god, and i am your scales.

not even close to a compliance, 

i am but mere scales, flocked around

bits of me will soon fall into the abyss

as you soared with your grace

amidst grayish hue

dutifully, every single being within me

shall worship you with no argue, unquestioning, unyielding.

not even close to an envoy, 

i live on day by day

believing that i am covering you, safeguarding, protecting—

even when Your might is greater than all of us combined 

i am but a mere mortal devoting my insignificant existence to you, 

an omnipotent immortal who shall rule this bountiful land 

dutifully i tread my path

whatever appeal you shall i serve

i am more than grateful to be alive within your grasp

please do use me to your heart's desire

a being dedicated to you and only you

if it is death you adore,

my carcass shall be handed to you on a silver platter

if it is life you crave,

then i shall travel between realms

even if it meant trapping my soul in the process

if it is love you yearn

then i repent, my Lord,

for i have none to give

nor do a temporal frame such as i

deserving of such decorum 

please forgive my incompetence, your Highness

you may have my skull in exchange, if you wish