#two gay robot posts in a row
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
voidmetal-alloy · 26 days ago
Text
Tumblr media
Why are there no wedding fics of them. Do I have to do everything myself
257 notes · View notes
mmmmalo · 2 days ago
Note
do you have any thoughts regarding bro's sexual fixation on puppets? (other than like it just being "funny" ig LOL) or any thoughts about the manifestation/depictions of paraphilias in hs in general?
sorry if that's too broad of a question haha
It kind of is, since paraphilia are characterization and we have a lot of characters... but if you're asking why there's so many obscure fetishes packed into Homestuck at least part of the answer has to be that it's amusing -- and also that people's reactions to sexual content are amusing. The elf that sees a picture of a penis and begins to cry (Jailbreak 115) is as much a part of the joke as the gay pornography itself.
Like regarding Bro and pornography (but not regarding puppets) my most recent thoughts are on two tracks:
One is that Homestuck follows up on Jailbreak's crying elf with manifold allusions to goatse (a giant gaping red asshole), perhaps the internet's most famous shock image. The red sun looming over Dave's apartment is thereby made manifest in the inescapable barrage of gay porn scattered about the room -- hence we get Dave cracking that joke about imprisoning Terezi (who was herself blinded by the red sun) in his fierybgrill and giving her "a front row seat to the brown side of my burger" (2833) i.e. showing his asshole. Earlier still, this kind of connection accounts for why seconds after John stares at the sun (162), Rose rips his toilet out -- sun:anus::eye:toilet, so ripping out the toilet represents blindness. Hence we see Karkat's toilet getting ripped up right as Terezi begins to broach the subject of how she went blind (2061), with our goatse symbol seared into her eyeballs. Hence the term "load gaper". I have various post trying to make sense of the goatse stuff and related topics in my #red sun tag... but anyway, re: Bro, I like to imagine that this is the reason that AR and his GLOWING RED EYES make an extended reference to RED DWARF right before Jake makes out with Dirk's BLOODY SEVERED HEAD: red sun gay.
The other thing is that GAMEBRO is a pun on PLAYBOY, which acts as a formal basis for BRO to be a porn guy and leads to some nonsense I won't detail here because that last paragraph made me tired of rehashing old posts.
If I had to guess why puppets were necessary for any of that... I guess I'd say they provide a degree of abstraction, since Bro is making porn of fake people. Without that buffer it would be harder for Dave to conclude that Bro is just a guy with a weird sense of humor -- or for the audience to conclude that Hussie just has a weird sense of humor. That the puppets make a joke of things helps to conceal that exposure to pornography is the name of the game. Smuppets are a friendly filter that allows the screen to be filled with cocks -- eventually the story will show an actual bull penis cane and a horse dildo, but it has to boil the frog slowly. This is more Doylist than Watsonian, sorry. Dirk's interest in robotics puts robots and puppets on the same playing field, right? Here's an awesome quote:
Tumblr media
15 notes · View notes
kayliewrites · 4 years ago
Photo
Tumblr media
[image description: a three-by-three grid of photos. Across the top row: a dark, mysterious, verdant forest; a smoky, roiling sea with lava spurting out from the fog; and a neon city street packed with bright cars at night. In the middle row, a sunset over a piney snowscape with tracks heading toward the horizon line; the title card, which reads “Moonless” over a teal, cloudy backdrop with the barest sliver of moon; and a hilly desert crested with fathomless night sky. In the bottom row, a smack of jellyfish floats in the deep sea; green and white streaks of aurora borealis stream overhead through the night sky; and emerald fronds of a tropical tree bend down toward the earth. end description.]
Welcome, friends, to my newest wip... 
MOONLESS!
The year is 4010 and earth is empty. 
All of the humans fled for the stars years ago after they ruined their planet, mingling with the aliens and creating new bloodlines. They passed on their evolved throwing arms, their iron stomachs, their ability to thrive in extreme environments... but all diluted with time and space. 
On the S.S. Copernicus, Dr. Io Vega leads a motley group of young adults through the stars, documenting the rubble of war-torn planets and preserving history. The rest of the galaxy calls them “glorified garbage men”, but they know the truth... they’re archaeologists to the highest and most dangerous degree. And the five of them - Scorpius, Orion, Ursa, Dorado, and Lynx - are bound together by one common trait: they’re all partially human, and partially useful. 
But the ship’s sturdy homeostasis flips on its head when Doc makes a sudden stop on a forgotten world, picking up a newly cryo-defrosted crewmate named Caelum who’s more valuable than anything they’ve excavated. 
He’s 100% human... and he wants to see earth with his own two eyes. 
Questions compound on questions when they arrive and find that not only is earth NOT empty... but the moon is missing. 
The crew of the Copernicus accidentally tangles themselves in an intergalactic mystery bigger than any of them can imagine... all thanks to a two thousand year old earth kid who just wanted to see the moon one more time. 
--
I’m going to try posting more about this story to keep myself hyped about it! 
Tell me your thoughts, comments, concerns?
Things to look forward to: lgbtq representation (literally the working title was “gay space” for like, months lol), science, found family, giant robots, archaeology, sassy banter, slow burn, enemies to lovers, idiots to lovers, space centaurs, trans characters (yup, multiple! genderfluid and mtf right now, but probs more), video games, nerdy girl hours, bipoc characters, aliens out the wazoo, and DRAMA! 
So yeah. LGBTQ sci-fi ya wip. c: Love, Kaylie
3 notes · View notes
altik-0 · 5 years ago
Text
Personal Revelation
I've spent the last two weeks trying to figure out how to write this post, but my mind has felt like it's tumbling around a washing machine and trying to figure out how to straighten my thoughts into a coherent message has felt impossible. But I'm driving myself crazy continuing to hold off on saying something, so I'm going to just rip off the bandage now, and we can talk in more depth after the cut.
Hi! 👋 I'm Asexual and Aromantic! Let's talk about it.
Tumblr media Tumblr media
Where to even start
This month has been a fucking trip.
On the one hand, this has been the fourth month of nearly continuous quarantine for the COVID-19 pandemic. On the other, the end of May was the spark that began a wildfire of protests against police brutality that have swept across the country, including the seemingly milquetoast land of Salt Lake City. I found myself simultaneously figuring out the umpteenth way to keep myself entertained while being in home nearly uninterrupted for over 90 days, while also desperately searching for the courage to exit my home and join the marches against injustice.
And in the background of all of this, it was Pride Month.
On the 12th, a Youtube creator I follow released a video about their experience discovering themselves as non-binary. You should watch it, but what is important for the sake of this post is that the bulk of the video is an asynchronous telling of various moments throughout their life that, in reflection, show them that "[they] were who [they] are now, back then". These moments form a tapestry that tell a story of self discovery, and the result is incredibly powerful.
They released a rough cut about a week earlier for Patreon supporters, and I was immediately transfixed. I watched it three times in a row on the first day it was uploaded. I watched it twice more after the release. Hell, when I pulled this video up now to get the share link I couldn't help but sit and watch through it all over again.
At first I didn't really know why I felt so attached to this piece in particular. Yet still, I spent multiple nights laying awake for hours in what felt like a dreamlike haze at the time. It took three nights like this for me to realize I had spent all this time reflecting on my own past moments, and revisiting them through the lens this video had shared with me.
How I got here
It is September 2005. I am currently at a school dance. I know I am supposed to be finding someone to dance with and enjoy that for some reason, but all I want to do is go home. I might consider mustering up some courage and just asking someone, anyone, to dance, if it weren't for the fact that I still didn't have any friends. Instead, I feel trapped, wandering up and down the side wall, waiting for it to be over so I can finally leave. I stumble across a small group also sitting on the sides; a girl reading manga, and another playing Yu-Gi-Oh! with a boy across from her. I approach: "I didn't realize anyone still played this" They invite me to join, and soon I find myself with genuine friends at school for the first time in years. I never think about asking someone to dance again.
It is the summer of 2017. I am at a bar with some coworkers at the end of the week. I don't drink, but I've opened myself up to joining people for happy hour because it feels like a good way to socialize, and I've genuinely enjoyed getting to know folks. My team lead makes a comment that he feels it's impossible for a man and a woman to ever have a friendly relationship without having some element of sexual tension between them. I rebuff this comment -- initially I feel a sense of feminist frustration at the concept, as if it is implicitly saying that men and women should not work together. As the conversation continues, I realize the real reason I feel so sure this is wrong is because I have never felt this way toward anyone I've worked with.
It is the summer of 2008. I am in church, listening to the new instructor for my Sunday school class shift the discussion towards politics. Since he began, every lesson without fail will eventually derail into right-wing screeds. For him, any issue that is even vaguely left-leaning is a potential avenue for Satan to take hold of you: feminism, activism, even environmentalism. But lately he has had a particular fixation on the topic of gay marriage, and it is beginning to take a toll on my mental health. Being in these classes, hearing a man in a position of authority repeatedly say "it is not that we shouldn't love these people, but we need to still understand that they are committing a sin" has become physically painful to listen to. Of course, I am not queer, just an ally -- I can only imagine how painful this must be for those who are directly affected. I will nearly pass out from exhaustion and anxiety during sacrament meeting a few hours later.
It is February 2020. I am out to lunch with a friend and coworker. I have just recently changed jobs after less than a year, because I was hopelessly miserable at my last one. It should have been a dream job, marrying two of my closest passions, but instead I felt suffocated by being in a world where everyone seemed indifferent towards me at best, or actively hated me at worst. My friend invited me to join this job, and although it is a miserable job, I find solace in being able to go to lunch and have genuine conversations with someone I get along with. He mentions his wife is pregnant, and the stress of tending for his current child while she is resting. I acknowledge the frustration, though somewhat awkwardly since I am still single. "Oh, yeah, I sometimes forget you aren't married yet, haha. Well, don't worry, you'll get to join in on the fun soon enough!" I want to say "I very much doubt that"; instead I say "Well, I guess we'll see." The conversation does not feel so genuine anymore.
It is January 2009. I am watching House M.D. with my dad. We bond a lot while watching tv. We're both avid fans of MST3K, and we are invariably the obnoxious people in a movie theater a few rows down cracking jokes throughout the film. It feels fun and rebellious, even if we're doing it at home where nobody will be annoyed. This episode starts with Foreman and Thirteen waking up together in bed after clearly spending the night together. My dad cracks a joke about how "they're going to get in trouble, since they aren't married!" I quip back "nah, it's not a big deal, they just slept together, haha." My dad pauses the show and turns to me, deadly serious: "Who told you that was okay?!" I am a deer in headlights. I suddenly realize that I meant "slept together" literally, but nobody else uses it that way. I don't understand how I missed that.
It is October 2010. I am at home, speaking with my mother after coming home from school. She has always been a political firebrand, and especially after I left the church and started college the two of us have connected on this a lot. She has just read an article that mentioned the expanded acronym "LGBTQIA", and says she doesn’t know what all the "I" and "A" refer to. I don't yet know what the "I" refers to, but I suggest the "A" is probably for "asexual". She says she hadn't heard of asexuality, though that does make sense. I realize I don't recall hearing about asexuality before either. I don't actually know if anyone identifies like that. It just somehow feels like something that must exist.
It is the spring of 2007. I am at a local game store playing at a Friday Night Magic event for the first time. I suffer from very extreme social anxiety, and I spent the entire week a ball of nervous energy. Despite myself, I have managed to drive myself to the event and register. I have promised myself dozens of times over that I already knew Magic players were people similar to me, so there was no reason to worry. My first match is against someone wearing a frilly dress, cat ears, and tail. She mews at me several times while playing. On the surface I have frozen and only robotically go through motions of playing the game because my anxiety has boiled over to the point that I cannot quite function properly. Inside, I am filled with pure delight at realizing that someone could feel comfortable expressing themselves that openly in a space like this. I eventually become friends with this person who I will later learn is trans -- I had never met a trans person before. I will become close friends with three more trans people, at least two enbies, and countless other queer people over the next decade of playing this wonderful game.
It is November 2019. I am at work, sitting at my desk, feeling completely numb despite starting the day energetic to the point of mania. I've just had an argument with a close friend -- perhaps the closest friend I've ever had -- and it ended... poorly, to put it mildly. So poorly, in fact, that it is safe to say we are just not friends anymore. The reality was that there were always problems between us, and this was a culmination of conflict that never really got effectively resolved. It might not have even been possible to resolve. In the moment, though, I cannot escape the suffocating feeling that I am a failure as a human being; someone who simply does not know how to maintain a relationship. My mind goes through loops of how I could have said something differently to have it end better. The emotional pain will not fully make sense to me until several months later, when I realize this was the closest thing to a break-up that I've ever experienced.
It is January 2012. I am watching House M.D. with my dad again. Since leaving the church, watching shows like this has been a desperate lifeline for our relationship. We don't joke as much anymore. This episode features a side plot with an asexual couple, who House determines is simply impossible, and uses his power of supreme logic to prove the asexuality wasn't real all along. I have heard of asexuality, though I don't know where or when, so I am angry at this. Of course, as an ally. I want to joke with my dad to release some frustration, but he is still in the church, and I don’t think he will empathize. I stay silent, and do not enjoy this episode.
It is December 2019. I am scrolling through a Discord channel I was invited to from one of the leftist creators I follow. This community has been a breath of fresh air in many ways, and one I found surprisingly helpful was an NSFW adult content chat channel where people are open about sex, fetishes, and more. I've considered myself fairly open-minded and sex-positive, but I'm still a virgin at 28 so I've found there is a lot I just don't know about. Today, someone has started a conversation about what qualifies as "taboo" and relating it to kink-shaming. Another member replies, mentioning they are asexual and find the whole notion of taboos being kind of bizarre. My mind reels at seeing someone who identifies as asexual in this chat. Over time I find out there are several other people who identify at least gray-ace in this chat, some who even draw risque artwork for commission. I realize how little I actually understood about what asexuality really was, and begin scouring the internet for articles and wikis on asexuality.
It is April 2010. I am at an Apollo Burger across the street from the local game store where I am playing in a Magic prerelease. My friends I followed over are talking about weekend plans, and one of them makes a joke about doing some chores to butter up his partner to have sex. The joke does not go over my head -- I am straight, and understand sex, even if I am still a virgin -- but I still can't help but think out loud: "You know, I just don't get why people make such a big deal out of sex." The awkwardness and confused looks are suffocating. I drop the topic immediately.
It is June 2020. I have just watched a video from an enby Youtube creator about their experience discovering their own gender identity. Over the next three days I will see every one of these past experiences, along with hundreds of others, flash before my eyes in rapid succession, over and over, until I begin to realize that I haven't allowed myself to truly identify how I do. Every time I asked "am I asexual?" in the past, I would dismiss it because I understood sex and have a sex drive. Once I actually researched asexuality, though, I almost immediately found stories of people who identify as ace and still experience a sex drive. I also discover a lot of stories from aromantic people that sound painfully similar to feelings I hadn't even realized were not the norm. For the first time I begin to realize I may not just be an ally.
So what does this mean
I came to a sense of satisfaction with living alone and single a long time ago. At first this came with a certain level of shame, because I felt like it was only because I was too cowardly to enter the dating scene and try to find a relationship for myself. Over time the impact of the shame diminished, but it never went away; it just became a quiet background noise that I got accustomed to pushing back.
But now that I feel comfortable calling myself "Aromantic", I don't feel any shame. A romantic relationship is simply something I don't need. Instead, I can focus on fostering the kinds of deep relationships that do feed my soul. That will likely be a difficult thing to do -- awkwardly traversing intimacy was something most people worked through as a teenager or young adult, and I'm nearly 30, haha. But it at least feels possible now.
But really the biggest change for me is that I feel like I can be honest and public about who I am in a way I never was before. Simply being open about this piece of my identity somehow feels important if for no other reason than to let other people who felt like I did growing up that they aren't alone.
So... yeah. I'm aroace. And I always have been.
2 notes · View notes
quinnmorgendorffer · 7 years ago
Note
Lilith and Niles for the headcanon meme!!
Okay, this took some time since I’m not like super into the fandom in terms of like fic and stuff so a;skdfj Also forgive me if I end up going against something that was said to be canon because there is 11 seasons’ worth of Niles and ~18+ an episode’s worth of Lilith (I’m counting all of Frasier since she’s still mentioned in episodes she’s not in) so it’s hard to remember everything ever said about them lol
Headcanon A:  realistic
Niles: Maris was definitely the first person he ever slept with and it was on their wedding night and it was awful.
Lilith: Okay, sorry for two sex headcanons in a row lmao but let’s be real, Lilith was the kinkiest bitch and was definitely not the cold blooded person they tried to say she was. There’s an episode of Cheers where she says Frasier calls her “mommy” like okay?? Okay.
Headcanon B: while it may not be realistic it is hilarious
Niles: He was hit on a lot by guys who assumed he was gay all throughout his life but never realized it was happening. A la what happened with Frasier’s station manager early on lol. It’s also why those people easily bought him dating Martin 
Lilith: Lilith had a crazy, crazy “Back Seat Becky”-esque reputation in high school. This is also why she works so hard at being calm and unemotional as she gets older. People try to say she’s just naturally that way and robotic and all, but there are moments, particularly on Cheers, where she was VERY emotional and there are reasons why she won Emmys for Lilith okay!! SHE’S NOT A ROBOT!
Headcanon C: heart-crushing and awful, but fun to inflict on friends
Niles: Oh, god, you know he had to have a truly special relationship with his mother. Like, Frasier’s the one shown to have the most.....issues (looks at “Don Juan in Hell Pt 2″ and the episode where he dated the woman who looked exactly like her WOW!) but like...I think when his relationship with Frasier was particularly hard, like when they got into their brotherly fights, she would distract him with talk about her work and opera and all those things he grew up loving.
Lilith: Just thinking about how she had to deal with Frasier leaving her and Freddie and moving across the country is so hard. Like...I get why the showrunners had it in Seattle, because if he was nearby it would leave a whole bunch of unanswered questions of why we never see Frederick and Lilith too often and it just wouldn’t work with the show we ended up getting. But, god, she was left alone to raise her son and you know she must’ve spent a lot of time crying alone for “ruining” the relationship (that was doomed from the start, really, since it’s not me being biased when I say Lilith deserved a lot better since Frasier was an asshole who literally almost broke up with her post-engagement just because people said Becky liked him???) and she did it alone because she didn’t have many friends and she didn’t want people to know how sad she felt anyways.
Headcanon D: unrealistic, but I will disregard canon about it because I reject canon reality and substitute my own.
Niles: Not really a headcanon, but please if this supposed reboot is happening, don’t make it with the OG cast, make it with the same characters in this modern day world AND MAKE NILES A LESBIAN LIKE WE DESERVE!!!!!!!!!!
Lilith: Lilith is bi like you cannot convince me otherwise, I don’t care that there are no hints, there is a reason why she is beloved by like every gay person I know who has watched these shows lmao
SEND ME CHARACTERS AND I’LL GIVE YOU HEADCANONS!
3 notes · View notes
aion-rsa · 4 years ago
Text
The Simpsons Season 32 Episode 20 Review: Mother and Child Reunion
https://ift.tt/eA8V8J
This The Simpsons review contains spoilers.
The Simpsons Season 32 Episode 20
While the Minor Arcana didn’t foretell a major disaster, The Simpsons Season 32 episode 20, ” Mother and Child Reunion,” is a letdown they should have seen coming. The audience sure did. We’ve seen all these scenarios before, and done better.
Very much like most Mothers’ Day gifts, the box doesn’t live up to the wrapping, which have been set high for this season. We all know Lisa is going to be president someday. The Simpsons were right about Trump, and they’ve put Lisa in the White House several times. It is inevitable, and inalienable, which in this case means neither Kodos nor Kang can do anything about it. But it is just as much preordained as Lisa going to college. This is Marge’s dream, Homer’s economic nightmare, an abstract concept best left ignored to Bart, and an emoji to Maggie.
The Amazing Herzog’s magic shop is exciting. They’ve got all the love potions, not just Number 9, and probably the most comprehensive titles of Theremin music in Springfield. Penn gives the shop four stars, while Teller gives enthusiastically silent assent, in endorsements. The spirits are always present, and the future is past the unused Keurig coffee machine. The shop owner is New German Cinema director Werner Herzog. He made Nosferatu the Vampyre (1979) but hey, even dwarfs started small. He is headlining at the open mic at Springfield’s hippest comedy club after he finishes practicing his cartomancy on Lisa.
The tarot deck, and its interpretations are amusing. Homer draws The Hungover Man, Bart goes from Sly Fox to Teacher’s Pet. But Herzog is also Amazing at other forms of prestidigitation. His son hasn’t forgiven him since he made his mother disappear, and he conjures Homer and Bart’s names from the dark scrawl on the Styrofoam of their Starbucks coffee cups. He invokes the spirit of Rodney Dangerfield before the precognitive process, but gets no respect. When Homer asks about the future of The Ghostbusters franchise, the best Herzog can say is “The Gay Ghostbusters is fantastic.”
The schism between Marge and Lisa is predicted through the cards Queen of Clean and Roller Eyes, and the Wind card blows a bad air on college admissions. Herzog sees a dystopian future for college. Lisa confirms by noting the university experience hasn’t been the same since Netflix bought Yale. It also appears Bob Jones College and Harvard are both rated on par with Google University. Homer concludes the diagnosis by commenting that “Lisa’s not-going-to-college is the most money I ever earned.”
Grandpa has gained a lot of mileage in the future and can really ladle out the guilt and the pressure. Lisa is the only remaining hope of the Simpson family. Even as she denies it, we see she’s won the local Lifetime Achievement Award, a once in a lifetime achievement, two times in a row. And she was only 13 and 14 at the time. This is a giggle and a half when you think about it.
It is also clever how Lisa gets the money for her independent after-school program, Knowledge Minus College, through premeditated workers comp. That scene also provides a fun visual of the incident. The trajectory skewers through Lisa, the teacher, educating her students on what stereotypes they are, and how they find her lameness riveting. The payoff comes when Chief Wiggum has to be taught math so he can shake Lisa down more efficiently, though I may be reading too much into it.
We still don’t know what state Springfield is in. When the announcement comes over that Lisa wins the Governor’s race, the state is mumbled into incoherence. Still, President Lisa is surprisingly transparent. “I don’t have a life,” she promises. “You’re all I’ve got. I will serve you.” The presidential mom translator works on a Simpsons level. It employs the show’s inner logic. The translator may be too good at her job, though because it turns too mushy too quickly, though the subliminal suggestion she throws in at the end works to cut it a little. They also slip in a cunning presidential concession gag. George Stephanopoulos and Nate Silver put in cameos as themselves.
Poor Millhouse springs a surprise prom-posal on Lisa. It gets more pathetic when the actual proposal is delivered by Millhouse’s dad who croons it in his most cough-syrup-raspy Frank Sinatra imitation, liberally borrowed from a name-checked Seth MacFarlane. Millhouse almost gets a pity yes, but Bart proves to be quite the hero in this episode. He peels out over Millhouse’s poignant inadequacy, and chills President Lisa Simpson out when she’s on the edge with popularity. Bart’s future is also very similar to some of his previous White House visits in future-set episodes. On one visit, he asked Lisa to “legalize it.” Now he’s the CEO of a cannabis dispensary chain, and owner of three NBA teams. It’s almost the same joke, but he was funnier when he wasn’t successful.
The funniest bits are the backgrounds. As the family drives through future Springfield, we see billboards like “Blockbuster, we’re back,” Moe’s Oxygen has replaced his tavern, and robots of all kinds are busy doing work just behind the action. A quiz on the teen magazine Lisa is reading asks the age-old question: “Is your mother a dictator or a fascist?” One of the protest signs outside Lisa’s inaugural address reads “Pardon Sideshow Bob.” A dazzling, and impromptu, Front Lawn presidential fireworks display opens with congratulations from Russia, includes a Duff’s beer end and ends with “The U.S. government brought to you by Disney” rockets bursting in air.
Even the most Hallmark of holiday episodes have been well served the past two seasons on The Simpsons. The Mother’s Day installment should have been a great moment for Marge. She is, after all, America’s most representative mother. Her idea of Lisa’s future is proven, admittedly in the alternative world of a tarot reading, to be worthless. Julie Kavner performs a classic tirade tonight. When all Marge can do is “go downstairs and yell into the dryer,” you can cut the passive aggression with a butter knife.
Marge’s most revealing line is “How dare you live the life I wish I’d led.” It is part of an overall recalibration of her entire life, which includes all the dreams she threw away, the lunches she made, the baths, the visits to colleges Lisa will never go to. But the overall conflict between mother and daughter moves too far into lame leg-dragging, and hobbles the thrust of the jokes. They don’t bite. It stays a little too sweet even though the entire arc is set on an argument. There is no peril and only fake tension. Maybe this is because the presumptive premise is on a Tarot card reading, but that should only embolden the rift. This is non-canon, and the creative team does better when they go bigger in speculative comedy.
cnx.cmd.push(function() { cnx({ playerId: "106e33c0-3911-473c-b599-b1426db57530", }).render("0270c398a82f44f49c23c16122516796"); });
“Mother and Child Reunion” is a retreaded tire which should have been left to cook longer at Springfield’s burning tire yard. This is a shame because The Simpsons have been doing well breathing new life into old premises this season. There are good lines, and great visual passing-tone gags, but overall, it comes up short. It is too straightforwardly structured, comically, with little subversion. Maybe they shouldn’t let Marge feel this far of the loop. It breaks the balance and feels uneven. I might even skip the Amazing Herzog at that comedy club.
The post The Simpsons Season 32 Episode 20 Review: Mother and Child Reunion appeared first on Den of Geek.
from Den of Geek https://ift.tt/3ewdZLo
1 note · View note
spaceoperetta · 7 years ago
Text
okay so the carly rae jepsen concert I went to a few months ago turned out to be Wild (for reasons besides that CRJ was amazing and noticed my existence.)
So here’s what happened: I chatted with the guys who sat behind me (one of them now follows me on tumblr - hi!) because, heck, there was an hour before the show and I didn’t want to spend it feeling lonely when I was surrounded by fellow CRJ stans and gay people. 
Because of said chatting, I was overheard by more guys who sat a row or two behind them. (Because we all showed up early to the show.) Turns out one guy thought I was cute and fine and posted about it on twitter. Tweets which I found (whoo boy that was WILD) and replied to and now we’re friends :D
And then there was another guy, who came up to me specifically to talk to me, went “hey Miss Extrovert, you remind me of this character Apple in this movie called Turbo Kid. Like, exactly, minus your hair. Go watch it on Netflix, it’s a good movie” and then he went back to his seat. I was like ‘well okay then’, filed it away in my mind, and briefly considered making ‘miss extrovert’ my next blog header. (Because, hey, it can’t be worse than that time somebody said I reminded them of Amy from The Big Bang Theory.)
...and then after the show I had to convince some people that no, I wasn’t secretly St. Vincent, and got a ride back to my hotel courtesy of fellow CRJ stans who were worried about me walking the short distance back to my hotel alone and who didn’t kidnap me. (I really only stuck this bit in here for completeness - this post is about Turbo Kid.)
Cut to earlier this afternoon, where I, staving off cramps on my couch with a heat pad, decided to use my sister’s ex-worker’s Netflix account to watch Turbo Kid. Decent enough for staving off cramps - a 80s-movie pastiche and whatnot.
Spoilers for the movie Turbo Kid: turns out Apple is a manic-pixie-dream-girl-type who turns out to be a robot specifically made for making friends. I was initially weirded out before this reveal like ‘c’mon i’m not like that, not really.’ And, well, it’s not like I care about some dude I don’t even know’s perception of me, but, “like you’re made for making friends” is a pretty sweet descriptor.
Anyway so that’s the aftermath of my unexpectedly dramatic interpersonal experiences at the Carly Rae Jepsen concert.
12 notes · View notes
emetofiend2dand3d · 8 years ago
Note
Can you write something about Yoosung and Seven with ALDH2 and they're trying to hard to stick it out bc Zen and Jumin are drinking fine. And they end up puking together.
I love this because I can totally see it. Thank you.*NO spoilers*(Just a recap: the ALDH2 gene is important for metabolizing alcohol and a high percentage of East Asians have a slightly different gene that does not allow them to metabolize alcohol properly, resulting in them getting intoxicated very easily.) Hope you enjoy!."Fine! But you only get one." Seven and Yoosung's eyes lit up with excitement as Zen lifted a beer out of the cooler and handed it to them. "Split between the two of you." Their faces fell slightly after hearing this but they were still grateful to be given anything. "It is the only RFA party of the year after all." Zen smiled and a group of female guests became drawn to him. "Come on Yoosung, let's leave Mr. Handsome Pants to himself." Seven whispered and the two of them began walking away. That was when they were caught by Jumin, who happened to catch a glance of what they were carrying. "Oi, where did you get that. I gave specific instructions to the waiters not to let you have any alcohol." He said angrily, holding a glass of wine in his hand himself. "Zen said we could split one between us." Yoosung defended. "I would strongly advice against it." Jumin told them. "I can't pretend to be an expert on metabolism but I'm familiar enough with your condition that I wouldn't let it go lightly." "Jumin, why do you always have to be such a party pooper?" Seven pouted. "I'm not a... party... pooper... as you say-" Jumin replied bitterly. "I'm merely doing everything in my power to prevent last year's disaster from happening again." He glared at the two of them. Yoosung and Seven chuckled guiltily. "Well- that- that won't happen again I assure you." Seven insisted. "We'll be sure to be very careful." They held their most sincere grins and Jumin stared at them skeptically. "Very well." Jumin gave in. "But should you cause any trouble, I'll have you both removed at once." He warned. "Yes sir!" Seven saluted him and Yoosung copied. Jumin rolled his eyes and took another sip from his glass before walking away. "Phew" the two of them sighed. "Alright!" Seven said excitedly. "Let's crack this baby open!" The two of them both took a sip from the bottle. Seven sighed with a smile but Yoosung cringed. "It's awful!""Now now Yoosung. What you are tasting is the bitterness of adulthood. Just remember that every sip is a privilege." Seven told him. "Whaa Seven you sound like my high school poetry teacher." Seven snickered and took another swig from the bottle. "I've been called a poet by many people. As some old guy with a long beard said..." Seven was interrupted when he heard a glass shatter and they turned around to see Zen holding Jumin by the collar of his shirt with an angry look on his face. "I wonder what's going on there?" Yoosung said worriedly. "Lover's quarrel?" Seven posed. Yoosung laughed, taking another drink from the bottle. "Hey, I think I'm starting to get drunk!" He said excitedly. "That's the spirit!" Seven wrapped his arm around him roughly. "Tonight Yoosung, we are men!" ."Hey Seven?" Yoosung asked. They were sitting on a lavish looking couch in one of the large party rooms at the venue. "You think I'll hic- even get a girlfriend?" "Hmm, now whose to say? How are you so sure you're not gay?" Seven pondered. "Hey! I'm not!" Yoosung sat up. "But how would you know for sure?" Seven teased. "Maybe you just haven't found the right man." "What about you then!" Yoosung snapped. "What about me?" Seven defended. "I'm an intelligent robot sent from the future to gain information about the nature of human beings. It's not in my programming to experience emotions." Yoosung pouted. "Sooner or later you'll find someone you like too and then I'll be able to make fun of you for it." "You'll spend your entire life hiC- waiting." Seven's usual slick comebacks began to falter as he noticed a strange cloudiness in his vision. He blinked several times but it didn't go away and he began to notice a dull ache in his head. "Hey Seven... does the room seem... spinny- at all to you?" Yoosung asked suddenly. "How do you mean?" "Similar to- right after getting off a roller coaster." Yoosung likened. "I've never been on one." Seven told him. "Oh...hhiC" Yoosung let his head fall and rest on Seven's shoulder. "Mmh it's sorta similar to being on a boat?" "You mean...like you get a sort of queasy feeling?" "Yeah yeah just like that." "Mm, I guess I can see what you mean." Seven agreed. "I-huURP" Yoosung suddenly hiccuped loudly and covered his mouth. "I actually don't feel so great..." "Shh." Seven placed a finger over his mouth. "That's the feeling... of adulthood." "Adulthood feels uURP- pretty terrible..." Yoosung was feeling worse by the minute. "You just have to embrace it Yoosung." Seven encouraged. "We only get to experience this once a year!" "Seven... Seven I don't feel so good." Yoosung sat forward, hunched over himself. "Can't you just relax and enjoy it while it lasts Yoosung?" Seven sighed. "It's a feeling unlike any other after all." "I'm-uhg- ganna be sick." Yoosung said weakly. "I pity you, not being able to enjoy this rare experience." But just as Seven said this, he leaned over the side of the couch and spewed out flood of vomit onto the floor. Yoosung sat beside him staring with wide eyes. It didn't take long for Jumin to hear word of this and before either of them could cause any more trouble, Jumin had instructed two large men to have them lifted up and escorted out. They were led into a back room where some extra party supplies were being stored. "Thank you." Jumin handed the two men large bills and they went back to their posts. "Did I not say-" Jumin sighed in frustration, pinching the bridge of his nose. "No, I have no words for you two. I'll return to fetch you after the party. Please don't make too big a mess." He told them before slamming the door on his way out. "Man... we really did it this time didn't we Seven? Seven?" Yoosung looked around to see that Seven had found a trash bin in the corner of the room and decided it was a suitable place to put his head. Yoosung sighed and sat down in one of the spare chairs that was being stored in the room. "Uhhg I really feel awful. At least it's not as bad as the first college party I got drunk at. That was before I knew about my condition. I almost had to go to a hospital that time." Yoosung sat forward as a wave of nausea went through him and he shut his eyes with a groan. "Seven? How did you find out you had the condition? Don't tell me it was at last year's party?" Seven finished a round of puking and lifted his head up with a sniff. He leaned back against the wall and thought. "No no. It was with Vanderwood." "Your maid?" Yoosung raised an eyebrow. "Yeah Vanderwood thought it would be nice to bond with a few beers. You can imagine it was an unpleasant surprise." "Uhhg" Yoosung groaned. "Yeah, it was a mess but I mean, Vanderwood is a maid... so-" Suddenly, Yoosung snatched the trash bin from Seven's hand and heaved into it. He vomited three times in a row before finally getting a break. He tried to hand it back to Seven but he wouldn't take it. The two of them sighed, laying back and closing their eyes."Yoosung, today you and I have shared a life lesson. To taste the bitterness of adulthood is to-" but Seven was cut off by Yoosung, who pitched forward again to vomit.
8 notes · View notes
sleepymarmot · 8 years ago
Text
I still have about 200 queued posts (bear with me... and sorry followers on mobile), but I want to quickly publish some of my post-binging thoughts before the new episode comes out. (Because I get overwhelmed by other people’s opinions and can’t remember what my own were unless I write them down. It’s easy to recall which parts I simply loved for what they are because other people did too and I can reblog their posts; it’s harder to not forget my own perspective outside of that.)
I didn’t actually expect to post these opinions because I don’t feel comfortable criticizing TAZ the way I tear apart big franchises like ME. But I did write it down, so what the hell. Let’s start with the biggest piece of negativity then. I can't name a favourite arc but I think the last place is Petals to the Metal. The racing sequence was spectacular enough that I didn't mind the pacing that much, but the final episode was really disappointing. A combination of not actually explicitly confirming the pairing in canon (I seriously expected that would be the culmination of the arc) AND Bury Your Gays (yes, I know Griffin dealt with the feedback gracefully, that doesn't fix the actual story though) AND some extreme railroading AND deus ex machina/Power of Love (at least the latter was retconnet as in not retroactive continuity but retroactive context). That actually put me off the show for some time. I think this moment encapsulates my problems with Hurley's writing pretty well. She really comes off as a Mary Sue written by a self-aware male writer who feels the need to put female characters on a pedestal -- certainly not the most objectionable phenomenon, but still makes my eyes roll. I feel the same about Carey and Killian in The Crystal Kingdom and the recurring remarks about "competent women". (I mean, I understand the gameplay reason for that, it's not that I'm asking for super detailed fights between NPCs, but I didn't like the way it sounded in the story.) Thankfully Carey got some development with Magnus, Killian had a good introduction before that glorification thing started cropping up, and their relationship's good obviously; plus, thankfully, Lucretia is completely free from this (she actually might be my fave NPC in terms of writing).
I think my least favourite part of The Suffering Game is the final past bosses battle? It's not just repetitive -- this repetition, needless in this case, devalues the other instances of our heroes facing the past. The first big one was Noelle (great: surprising, touching, important for the overall plot as we now know), then we had the three robots (I was pretty delighted to see Jenkins and Magic Brian again) even it was more about combat than meaningful facing of past mistakes, then the destruction of Phandolin was seen again in The Eleventh Hour, and only a bit later the setting of the first arc will be revisited once more. So even not counting this scene, it was starting to get a bit navel-gazey, and the complete lack of story relevance of that battle diluted things even more. It kind of sounded like running out of ideas -- I'd prefer any other challenge or just a repeat of the random monster generation. (Btw I totally expected to see the crab from Rockport Limited in that lineup. It's kind of special to me because back I went "Ah a floating crab, yeah feel you boys, I hate fighting Praetorians too, at least this thing doesn't shoot lase--" and then it started shooting fire, lol.)
Back to what I wanted to talk about: I have lots of thoughts/feelings about consequences re: the last episodes. The spoilers I've seen gave me so much anxiety! Like I've read that Magnus loses memory so I completely expected him to lose everything. So I spent a lot of time in complete dread, and when I read "Magnus forgets" in the summary my heart dropped, and then it wasn't that bad at all so I thought "that's it?" and felt relieved until the fucking clone tank. At which point I thought "No, this is it" especially because all of the players interpreted it that way. So I was very surprised and relieved that he kept everything, and that Griffin was so kind to him. But that kinda brought me to another problem -- that the new body undid Magnus's sacrifices. He didn't lose a finger or 10 years of life; the only loss was the identity of his nemesis which a) is a sad thing and he might be happier without it -- I would; and b) the boys promised to take care of that. Meanwhile, Taako and especially Merle have to live with their sacrifices. That's unfair. I was pretty thrilled when I realized the sacrifices were For Real, and was feeling real dread and anxiety about them (can't say if in a wholly good way) and I don't like devaluing that. Though of course I'm pretty jazzed that the character who is at the moment my favourite got treated so well. That scene was cathartic as hell! But back to the sacrifices: I'm intrigued by the problem of balance of hurting the character in a way that's good for narrative and/or game balance (yeah the intent of "let's nerf them a bit" was easy to see) but not compromising them as a piece of writing. I didn't give a shit about max health or dexterity penalties, but the story significant things about losing body parts and especially memories sounded brutal and cruel to me. I actually laughed when during one of the commercial breaks Griffin said something like "I hope this isn't causing you too much anxiety" because I was rushing through this arc because of that anxiety! But in the end, as it often happens, the half-misinterpreted spoilers made everything sound worse than it actually was. And I was very glad and relieved to hear Griffin specifically clarify that he's not going to take away important parts of a character.
But despite what I just said, when I started The Suffering Game arc I was actually amazed because it was second arc in a row built around my personal favorite tropes! I really appreciate Doctor Who-ish journey through genres (that doesn't take itself seriously but also has an epic underlying plot. All my fandoms are the same...) Murder on the Rockport Limited also counts in that category. So if I had to pick a favorite, they'd probably be among the candidates? Well I don't know how to count Reunion Tour for that. I really liked The Eleventh Hour, time travel/time loop stories are like my #1 fave. And it's a closed room mystery too (like Rockport Limited). That was the point where I started listening much faster because I needed to learn the truth. (Also, the Lunar Interlude before that arc, with the three separate stories, was freaking revolutionary and started a new level of character development for the show in general.) But I was kind of disappointed by the lack of a Holmes speech-type explanation of everything in the end. Because a big part of enjoyment was the expectation that it'll all click together beautifully in the end -- and some pieces still didn't fit. I'm still not sure if I missed something or that wasn't explained. Why was Isaak, like our heroes and unlike everyone else in the town, aware of the temporal loops and free to act? What was the interaction between Taako's spell and the code word -- did the spell have any effect other than almost drowning everyone, would "Junebug" have worked by itself? I had some more questions I thing, but right when I was going to pause/think/rest, everything was swept away by the freaking Red Robe Magnus cliffhanger, so I continued to run forward internally screaming "Explain! Explain!" like a Dalek, and then that was joined by the aforementioned Suffering Game anxiety. And that's the story how I marathoned the last part of the show three or more times faster than I planned to.
I really loved listening to TTAZZ, both of them, it was really good meta! I think I started to appreciate the show more after the first one. I can see where the fan criticism re: representation is coming from, but I myself also belong to the category of people who can never visualise their own (or anyone's, really) characters and therefore really love the freedom of interpretation. I'm also a bit sad about the commentary on racism in the new one, which, in addition to the comments about the Taco Quest in the first one, made me pretty sure that storyline/running joke is not coming back. I found it really funny back then in the beginning of the show -- more so because I, myself, have no freaking idea what tacos are actually like. I mean, we might have some mexican food places over here, but I've never been to one. And I intentionally didn't look it up after starting the show because it was funnier and kind of immersive this way lol. But they sound pretty committed to non-committance about the enthnicities, and raising the topic in canon again would force the issue, so I think they're just quietly abandoning it. Story-wise, I'd love to hear something like "Taako had invented a dish and named it after himself, but the voidfish baby ate the recipe so he couldn't recreate it until now" because I'm a sucker for justifying jokes and tying them into the main plot/emotional storyline. But in general I'd prefer any option that offends people the least. I was kind of surprised when Justin talked about abandoning Taako's early "dumb" characterisation, because I hadn't actually thought it was "officially" thrown away. I assumed Taako was just really bad at paying attention, and got better at managing that as a part of organic character development. I actually found that kind of relatable, plus "absent-minded professor/wizard" is a classic trope. Also TTAZZ made me wish even harder for the lost awesome adventure of Magnus and Kravitz in the astral plane. And it was already slightly souring my excitement about the totally awesome & touching scene we got instead.
I didn't really get the exposition about the planes in The Crystal Kingdom, and the long explanation in the latest two episodes require more attention than I gave them. Hope today's episode will make things clearer. Some things I hope to hear explained soon:
Why has Merle died more times than Magnus or Taako?
Also, looking forward to the promised explanation of how Gundren can be Merle's blood relative lol
Why was the Chalice so much more self-aware and civil than the other Relics? Is it related to the fact that its creator has some special connection to the (a?) voidfish?
Was Magnus a wizard before? Being a lich, creating a Grand Relic... If so, why doesn't he have magic now?
If Magnus is a lich, can he one day die and stay in the astral plane with Julia like an ordinary human, like he wanted? If not, that's a pretty big and tragic turn of events for him. (Granted, this might be more of a D&D mechanics question...)
(I actually just found a Reddit thread starting with the same question, discussing whether all 7 are really liches or not, so these two points might not be even valid haha)
(I also saw someone theorize that Lup invented the taco recipe -- and damn I really do want to see that now. Imagine trying to figure out something and later realize that it was created by your dead sister who named that thing after you.)
(I was confused about LichBarry’s reveal because I thought at the end of PTTM he was mind-controlling Captain Captain Bane to poison THB. Someone had the same question and another person answered that Barry’s spell was only to make Captain drink the poison, and the murder attempt was on him. I totally didn’t get that. Between this and my question about “Junebug”, either mind-control spells are not very clearly explained in this show, I suck at understanding them, or both.)
(Shit, this list has transformed from future episodes wishlist into reactions to Reddit lol)
Since I was talking about Taako and Lup, here’s another passing thought: remember how Taako immediately wanted to be Like Them when he saw the lich duo? You know, the elven brother and sister?!
Not related to anything, but I just realized I can wear jeans as a stealth fandom reference and it's delightful :D
2 notes · View notes
marmara · 7 years ago
Text
JUN 10 The Incredible Shrinking Woman  If I ever have grandchildren, which seems a long shot at time of writing, I shall gather them on my knee and tell them of the General Election of 2017. "Grandpa Gladstone", their little voices will pipe; "tell us the tale of Corbyn the destroyer; of the Incredible Shrinking Woman; and of how the blazes the Democratic Unionist Party ended up in government". And I shall take my pipe from my mouth, look deep into the middle distance and try to explain how Theresa May was transformed in six short weeks from Boadicea to Jar Jar Binks; how a Labour leader whose own MPs didn't want him to become prime minister stormed the country like a tribute act to the Stones; and how an election inspired by Brexit ignored the single biggest issue confronting the country. This was a night of paradox and perplexity. The Conservatives gained their largest share of the vote since Margaret Thatcher in 1983, winning more votes than Tony Blair at the height of his popularity. Yet Theresa May emerges not so much diminished as shrivelled, her departure now a matter of time. The Labour Party lost its third general election in a row, gaining only four more seats than under Gordon Brown in 2010. Yet its supporters are electrified, its fortunes on the march and Jeremy Corbyn's leadership unassailable. So what can we learn from what happened - and where might things go from here? First, this was a good night for democracy. The two most dangerous tendencies in our political system - the long withdrawal of the young from electoral politics, and the imbalance of power between generations - have been decisively and spectacularly reversed. Young voters swept through the polling stations like an avenging army; and, far from piling up uselessly in already safe seats, their votes carried Tory citadels like Kensington and Canterbury. For this - wherever one stands on his policies - Corbyn deserves enormous credit. He set out to re-engage young people with democracy, and our politics will be healthier as a result. It was a good night, too, for Parliament. Since the referendum last year, our politics has been infected with a poisonous atmosphere of authoritarianism. Dissent has been treated as heresy and opposition as treason, while parliamentarians have been held up as 'Enemies of the People'. For our repellent tabloid press, this was to have been an exorcism, not an election: a chance to 'crush the saboteurs', impose 'unity' on Westminster and burn out of Parliament dissenting voices. Instead, May has lost her majority and must live at the will of other parties in the House. Contrary to the strange fascination with 'strong and stable government', a hung Parliament is likely to provide better government than an outright majority. The wilder fringes of the Tory manifesto - grammar schools, fox hunting, compulsory voter ID - are now surely in the dustbin. Ministers must engage seriously with Parliament over Brexit, and something will surely have to give on NHS funding, the schools budget and the wider decay of Britain's public services. A third beneficiary of the campaign is the Union with Scotland (if not with Northern Ireland). Multi-party politics are back, and the unhealthy situation by which neither the Government nor the Opposition at Westminster had any stake in the Scottish electorate has come to an end. In Scotland, as in England, the populist tide has been checked: and a second independence referendum looks more distant than at any time since 2014. Finally, the result has exposed the pretensions of our putrid tabloid press. Every drop of poison that could be wrung from the bile ducts of The Sun, The Mail and The Express was poured out upon Labour in this campaign. It proved powerless to prevent a historic collapse in the Tory lead. The tabloids' readership has been contracting for years, and is concentrated in ever smaller sectors of the electorate. If this election finally breaks their hold upon the governing classes (and upon the broadcast media), our democracy will be healthier as a result. So what of the two main parties? It hardly needs saying that this was a catastrophic result for the Conservatives and a humiliation for May personally. So it is perhaps worth reiterating that the Tories remain comfortably the largest party in the House, winning more seats than Labour, the Liberal Democrats, the SNP, Plaid Cymru and the Greens combined. A campaign of almost comic ineptitude nonetheless delivered 42.4% of the vote and 13.6 million individual suffrages. The party has rebuilt its fortunes in Scotland, increased its vote share in Wales and piled up additional votes (though not seats) in the North and the Midlands. None of this detracts from the disaster of the night, but it suggests that a more adept leader, wielding a less destructive manifesto, would have something to work with. Yet the new Tory coalition of which the party dreamed has also proven fissile - and things may get worse before they get better. UKIP voters did not march obediently into the Conservative column; on the contrary, a significant minority seems to have found in Corbyn the anti-establishment, protest figure they had previously identified in Farage. In Scotland, the Ruth Davidson effect is predicated on a model of Conservatism that has precious little in common with the Brexiteering, anti-immigrant, UKIP-lite confection served up by May - let alone with their new allies in the DUP. If Scottish Tories vote loyally with their party at Westminster, they risk destroying their brand in Holyrood; if they do not, May's troubles are only just beginning. Above all, the alliance with the Democratic Unionist Party poses real dangers to the Conservatives. A party that screamed blue murder at the prospect of a Labour-SNP alliance in 2015, and that (rightly) made much of Corbyn's IRA connections, has a great deal to lose from climbing into the lap of an extreme evangelical party, keen to funnel money to its own supporters in Ulster. The votes of the anti-gay, anti-abortion, climate-change deniers of the evangelical right may carry the Conservatives through a parliamentary session, but the damage to their reputation could be severe. What, then, of Labour? Those of us who have been critical of Corbyn should acknowledge the scale of his achievement. A party that seemed dead and buried just weeks ago has gained seats across Scotland, Wales and the South of England. It has energised young activists and voters, while posting its highest share of the vote since the landslide election of 2001. Corbyn's leadership is now untouchable, and the premiership no longer a fantasy. Yet for Labour, too, there are problems ahead. The Labour manifesto was a superb campaigning document, but as a programme for government, it had two significant flaws. In the first instance, the party has no policy of any substance on Brexit: the issue that will consume the attention of the next Parliament. Brexit was a gaping void in the Labour manifesto, that was only possible because of the comparable silence coming from the Conservative benches. A hung Parliament makes that conspiracy of silence harder to maintain, and puts at risk the alliance between Labour's Eurosceptic leadership and the young voters who have driven its revival. Secondly, the Labour manifesto - however attractive in the short-term - has saddled the party with a mass of spending commitments from which it will not be easy to resile. That's fine, if it can find the revenue to pay for them; but with a disruptive Brexit looming and a probable deterioration in the economy, tax revenues are more likely to shrink than to grow in the coming years. Labour is right to declare war on the injustices of austerity, but the call to battle has not been accompanied by any serious debate about how to finance this. Doing so will involve a more serious conversation about taxation - and about priorities - than the party has yet been willing to countenance. Finally, the coalition of forces behind the Labour vote looks almost as fissile as the Conservatives'. Labour brought to the polling stations two very different sets of voters: one, fired by enthusiasm for Jeremy Corbyn; another, that deplores the Labour leadership but was confident it would not win. That coalition may prove harder to sustain as power becomes a realistic prospect. In short, the revival of the two-party system seems to me more brittle than at first appears. Both main parties remain unstable coalitions, wheeling their rickety caravans into the storms blowing from the East. The whirligig of Brexit is only now beginning to turn; and when British politics stumbles out the other end, it may yet look very different to the present. Posted 10th June by Robert Saunders 5 View comments MAY 22 The May Illusion  As David Cameron could testify, the danger of basing an election campaign on a fantasy is that it rarely survives the collision with reality. The speed with which Cameron cut the trouser elastic of his own government, barely a year after promising "competence" versus "chaos", set a high benchmark for political mis-selling; but his successors are approaching the challenge with considerable verve. In junking her flagship policy on social care - her fourth significant U-turn in ten months - Theresa May has transformed "strong and stable leadership" from a slogan into a punchline. As Margaret Thatcher could have reminded her, "being a strong leader is like being a lady: if you have to tell people you are, you probably aren't". Of all the robotic slogans currently raking their nails across the eardrums of the electorate, the "strong and stable" tag seems the most ill-judged. That's not just because it sounds like a brand of toilet paper, or one of those pills you can buy from the condom machines in the pub. "Strength" is a bold claim for a government that abandoned its budget at the first breath of tabloid criticism, and whose leader spent three days rummaging around for her backbone while others spoke out against Trump's Muslim ban. A "strong" leader does not spend an election campaign sealed in private locations in case she accidentally meets a member of the public, or refuse questions from the press unless they've been approved in advance. Nor was this strength much in evidence during the referendum last year, when May announced that Britain would be less prosperous, less secure and less sovereign outside the EU, before going into hiding for the rest of the campaign and then pivoting on a sixpence within hours of the vote. As for "stability": whatever is coming over the hill on 8 June, it is not a period of cautious managerialism. This is a government of almost staggering ambition, dedicated to the most radical, disruptive policy adventure of modern times. In just two years it plans to rip up our single largest trading arrangement, overhaul 40 years of foreign and economic policy, and reconstruct our entire system of agricultural funding, regional policy, industrial strategy and border control. When the dust has settled, we may perhaps be more prosperous, more sovereign and more "global" than we are today. But this is not a manifesto for "stability". At best, it is an exhilarating slalom-ride into undiscovered territory; at worst, a wild plunge off the edge of a cliff. Like Iron Man, facing down an alien army with a reminder that "we have a Hulk", the Tory plan for Brexit seems to go little further than to put Theresa May in charge of it and invite her to "smash". Yet there is not the slightest evidence that May is suited to the Messianic role in which she has been cast. The result is an extravagant fiction: a personality-based campaign, marketing a personality that cannot safely be exposed to the electorate. History does not record whether May is a fan of winsome boyband One Direction; yet in the very week that Harry Styles launched his solo career, the Conservative Party seemed to have joined his former employers on the scrapheap of history. At the manifesto launch on Thursday, the Tory brand was hardly to be seen. Instead, banners proclaimed "Theresa May's team" and "Theresa May's manifesto for government", while Cabinet ministers bounced up and down like love-struck teenagers, cheering "my policies", "my manifesto" and "my government". The danger is that this becomes a substitute for serious thought. May tells us, repeatedly, that "every vote for me and my team strengthens my hand in the Brexit negotiations". Yet the EU27 will negotiate on the basis of their national and collective self-interest, not on their reading of the arithmetic at Westminster. What the British government needs is not less scrutiny at home but a clearer understanding of what it is trying to achieve. May has at least begun to nod towards the risks involved. Launching the Conservative her manifesto last week, she warned that if the negotiations failed, "the consequences for Britain and for ... ordinary working people will be dire". Yet the only danger she seems willing to acknowledge is that the negotiations might be conducted by somebody else, who lacks her strength and steel. A prime minister who will not admit the trade-offs inherent in Brexit - who refuses even to acknowledge that the currency dropped as a result of the Brexit vote - is setting up voters for an incendiary collision with reality. May likes to be compared to Margaret Thatcher, the "Iron Lady" who brandished her handbag at the European Council. A more troubling precedent might be Neville Chamberlain, another politician who took personal control of foreign policy despite having no experience of diplomacy. Chamberlain is a much-misunderstood figure, whose reputation as an "appeaser" has left an unfortunate legacy in British politics. In popular memory, he has become a caricature in a political morality tale, which contrasts the "weak" diplomacy of the "appeasers" with the roar of the Churchillian lion. Yet Chamberlain's problem was not weakness but an exaggerated confidence in his own strength - and a determination to take command of a policy area he did not understand. Like May, Chamberlain marked a shift from previous Conservative leaders, and he brought to the premiership a substantial record in domestic politics. He inherited one of the great parliamentary majorities of the twentieth century; and his approval ratings reached such extraordinary proportions that pop songs were composed in his honour. Yet he had little feel for diplomacy. His brother, who had been Foreign Secretary, famously urged him to "remember that you don't know anything about foreign affairs", but the warning went unheeded. Viewing dissent as disloyalty, he actively shut down alternative sources of debate, closing the Foreign Office News Department when it reported on Nazi rearmament, leaning on newspaper editors not to report stories that might jeopardise the talks with Germany, and demanding unity behind his negotiating position. As one of his ministers later recalled, "He was so sure that his plan was right ... that his singleness of urgent purpose made him impatient of obstacles and indifferent to incidental risks". From the Munich disaster to the Suez crisis, and from Cameron's EU negotiations to the Iraq War, the cult of personal diplomacy has an inglorious record in British politics. International relations are not an exercise in will-power, and critical voices are not saboteurs. The domestic limits of our "strong and stable" government have been cruelly exposed over the last twenty-four hours, in a manner that may cost the Conservatives in the polls. If we sail the same ship into the Brexit negotiations, the consequences could be altogether worse for us all. Posted 22nd May by Robert Saunders 2 View comments APR 19 The Charge of the Left Brigade  There has always been a touch of the Grim Reaper about Theresa May, and yesterday morning she sharpened her sickle, donned robes of purest midnight and came for the soul of the Labour Party. For Opposition MPs, who have spent the last six months ordering flowers, taking leave of their loved ones and polishing up the coffin lids, the coming election has all the allure of a ride into the Russian cannon on the plains of Balaclava. "Tories to right of them, Tories to left of them, Tories ahead of them volleyed and thundered ... Into the valley of death rode the two hundred". Yet the tragedy of this election is not solely its destructive potential for the Labour Party. It is the poverty of choice on offer, at a time when our politics has rarely felt more urgent. With a misfiring government careering along behind populist forces it cannot control, the case for a progressive alternative has never been stronger. Yet the options have rarely felt so inadequate. For a party that is allegedly on course for a landslide, the Conservative position is weaker than at first appears. Theresa May is a wooden performer who looks as comfortable in front of the camera as a vampire on a sunbed. Behind her looms the least talented cabinet of my lifetime, which is grappling simultaneously with a funding crisis in the NHS, the collapse of the social care system, the continuing immolation of the public finances and the prospect of a second independence referendum in Scotland. Nothing so far suggests that it is remotely adequate to the task. The Home Secretary, Amber Rudd, appears to believe that you can crack online encryption by manipulating "the necessary hashtags"; the Chancellor's inaugural budget evaporated at the first breath of tabloid criticism; and if Boris Johnson makes it through the campaign without fathering a child, declaring war or triggering an international incident, the Conservative Press Office can feel well pleased with its work. May is also straining the patience of the electorate. If she wanted a personal mandate, she should have gone to the country last autumn. Instead, she not only ruled out an election in the most explicit terms; she pinned her integrity to that decision, telling reporters that "I mean what I say and I say what I mean. There won't be an early election". Despite dark warnings of sabotage in Parliament, MPs have waved through the government's Brexit legislation with much larger majorities than in the referendum itself. That leaves only two compelling arguments for an election at the present time: the first, that Labour looks ripe for the taking; the second, a fear that the economy will deteriorate later in the year. Neither is an easy sell to the electorate, who may resent being called out for a third time in two years. The greatest danger to the Conservatives may be the management of expectations. Voters will not turn out if the result seems a foregone conclusion; and as political allegiances become more balkanized, so landslides become harder to win. In the South West, the Lib Dem revival endangers a tranche of Tory seats won in 2015, requiring them at the very least to divert resources to holding what they have. The collapse of UKIP releases more voters for the Conservative Party, but it also limits the prospect of a mass defection in Labour's heartland seats. Even the Labour Party still has one or two bullets left to fire. For the first time since the Blair era, it is flush with cash and boasts the only mass membership in UK politics. Over the last fortnight it has begun, belatedly, to assemble a serious policy offer on issues like free school meals, pensioner benefits and the living wage. It's not yet a programme for government, but the concept of a Labour Manifesto is no longer a contradiction in terms. With two dozen MPs facing prosecution; with inflation rising faster than wages; and with public services in disarray, the Conservatives should be approaching the next election with real anxiety. Instead, they have brought it forward three years. The reasons for that can be summed up in two words: The Alternative Despite the ravings of the Daily Mail, which has instructed its readers to "Crush the saboteurs", it is the weakness of the Opposition, not its strength, that has triggered this election. Not since the nineteenth century has the Opposition entered an election campaign in such an enfeebled condition. Less than two years ago, Labour was the bookies' favourite to form a government; today, it lags in the polls by as much as 20 percentage points. The party has no discernible policy at all on the two biggest issues of our times - Brexit and the public finances - and as John McDonnell made clear this morning, it does not intend to focus on these issues during the campaign. In a binary question on the best candidate for prime minister, Jeremy Corbyn achieves the remarkable feat of coming third behind Theresa May and "Don't Know". Even his own MPs don't consider him a serious candidate for office. All this is before the Conservative Press Office starts cracking its knuckles. For all the prating about a right-wing press running scared of the socialist alternative, the grim truth is that the Tories have gone easy on Corbyn since 2015. Over the next six weeks, every word that Corbyn and McDonnell have spoken for the last forty years will be pored over, ripped out of context and plastered across the front pages: the association with Hamas and the IRA; the excoriation of NATO; the swithering around on the EU; the tenderness towards extremists and the hostility towards previous Labour governments. It will be the most viciously negative campaign in decades; and the tragedy for progressive politics is that much of it will be true. Diane Abbott suggested yesterday that voters faced a simple choice: "between Theresa May's Britain and Jeremy Corbyn's Britain". The tragedy is that she's right. Despite the mild tumescence of the Liberal Democrats, there is currently a blasted wilderness in the centre of British politics, where many voters would wish to position themselves. Britain desperately needs a progressive and serious-minded Opposition: that will accept the verdict of the referendum while seeking the closest relationship with Europe; that is serious about rebuilding the public finances, without loading the costs onto the poor, the young and disabled; and that views neither Cecil Rhodes nor Hugo Chavez as the beau ideal of statesmanship. Above all, we need a liberal, progressive alternative that will stand up for a pluralistic parliamentary democracy, against the totalitarian impulses of a tabloid press that demands the silencing of dissent, the burning out of traitors and heretics, and that regards opposition and scrutiny as a crime against the people. If you see it, let me know. Posted 19th April by Robert Saunders Labels: Brexit Corbyn election GE2017 May 4 View comments FEB 28 John Major: The Dark Knight of Brexit  When John Major was prime minister in the nineties, his cautious, mild-mannered persona was the stuff of legend. Such was his lack of charisma, critics jested, that "if he became a funeral director, people would stop dying". So it was a surprise to read in the tabloids this morning that the Grey Man of British politics had allegedly fired up the chainsaw and "gone tonto" against Theresa May and her government. Reporting on his speech at Chatham House last night, the Express accused the former prime minister of "a furious anti-Brexit rant". The Daily Mail called it "an incendiary speech", an "acidic and sly" intervention by the "vengeful doormat" of British politics, while the Telegraph wrote breathlessly of his "extraordinary attack on Theresa May's government". Ironically, Major had begun his remarks with an appeal to end the shouting down of contrary opinions; so inevitably, like overgrown school-boys with baseball bats, Brexiteers lined up to deliver a punishment beating. Iain Duncan Smith accused Major of "the bitter speech of an angry man", while Nadine Dorries mocked him as "a dull, irrelevant, sad, adulterous, hypocritical, pompous has-been". Jacob Rees-Mogg, an unlikely flag-bearer for modernity, dismissed his former leader as "yesterday's man with yesterday's opinions", a remark that was indicative not just of the abusiveness of the modern Right but of its curious ahistoricism. Not so long ago, it was a founding principle of *Conservatism* that "yesterday's opinions" had much to teach us. So what was the "treachery" of which Major was guilty? Far from rejecting the outcome of the referendum, or demanding - as Duncan Smith falsely alleged - that the electorate "re-run it again until they get it right", Major began with an explicit acceptance of the result in June: Eight months ago a majority of voters opted to leave the European Union. I believed then - as I do now - that this was an historic mistake, but it was one - once asked - that the British nation had every right to make. The Government cannot ignore the nation's decision and must now shape a new future for our country. In other words, he did exactly what Leave voters have repeatedly asked Remainers to do: to accept the result, however reluctantly, and to engage constructively in the debate about what happens next. He then delivered a series of warnings, which the most ardent Brexiteer would be unwise to neglect. The first was a reminder of what is at stake. As Tony Blair noted in his own speech last week, Brexit was not a single moment of decision. It is a process that will unfold over the coming years, involving ministers in further decisions that will be felt across the spectrum of British politics. If that process is mishandled, the consequences could be devastating. Whatever its intrinsic merits, a botched Brexit has the potential to break up the United Kingdom and collapse the three-hundred year union between England and Scotland. It risks disrupting the fragile peace process in Northern Ireland, jeopardising a twenty-five-year struggle to bring peace to that troubled region. Failure to secure our economic links with the Continent will dislocate trade, send valuable industries overseas and put thousands of people out of work. If the negotiations fail, Major noted, it will be "those least able to protect themselves" who are "most likely to be hurt". This was not an assault on Brexit; it was an appeal to get Brexit right. The approaching diplomatic exercise is probably the most difficult in which the British state has ever engaged; yet complex negotiations are being approached with the swagger of a drunk at closing time. Like a beery football hooligan on a stag weekend, our Foreign Secretary veers around the streets of Europe shouting lewd insults, singing songs about the War and chundering over historic monuments. He has likened the EU to a wartime prison camp, got into a spat with the Italian government, and compared Brexit to the "liberation" of Eastern Europe from the Soviet bloc. Malta, which holds the Presidency of the EU Council, is dismissed by a senior Tory MP as "a tiny little island", "anxious to scoop ... some of the spoils of Brexit". Meanwhile our boorish newspapers instruct the EU to give us what we want "or you'll be crushed". All this makes a successful negotiation much harder to achieve - with all the dire consequences that involves. It also stores up future problems for the Government, by raising expectations that it cannot possibly meet. As Major put it, I have watched with growing concern as the British people have been led to expect a future that seems to be unreal and over-optimistic. Obstacles are brushed aside as of no consequence, while opportunities are inflated beyond any reasonable expectation of delivery. The electorate are told that they can enjoy all the benefits of membership with none of its costs, in a deal unsullied by trade-offs, compromise or concession. Machiavelli himself could not pull off such a deal; and when that becomes clear, Theresa May and her ministers will feel the full venom of some of those now cheering them on. Newspapers and backbenchers will cry treason; ministers' own pronouncements will be brandished in their faces; and those who voted in June - in some cases, for the first time in decades - will again feel betrayed by the democratic process. John Major can do what current ministers cannot, from fear of the tabloids and of their own supporters. He can point out the rocks that lie ahead, and seek to manage expectations among the wider public. In that sense, he and others like him are the critical friends of Brexit, who make a successful outcome more likely rather than less. Without seats or offices at risk, they can take the punishment before which MPs and ministers tremble. To misquote The Dark Knight, they are the politicians Brexit needs, if not those it deserves. For the most serious danger to Brexit now comes, not from its avowed opponents, who are divided among themselves and adrift from public opinion. It comes from the silencing of constructive debate on the choices that lie ahead. The peace, prosperity and very existence of the United Kingdom now rest in the hands of a government with little experience of foreign policy or of international negotiation. We should all hope that they succeed; but this is unlikely so long as even candid friends are denounced as traitors. Curiously, both main parties are now led by tribes that consider critical comment an act of treason. That mindset, as I have written elsewhere, has driven the Labour party into a decline that may yet prove terminal. If the Brexit Right continues down the same path, the consequences could be more costly still for us all. Posted 28th February by Robert Saunders Labels: Brexit Major Referendum 0 Add a comment FEB 24 Everything is Awesome  It is hard to exaggerate the cataclysm that engulfed Labour in Copeland. Politics has no iron laws, but for an Opposition to lose a seat at a by-election to the governing party breaks every known rule of electoral warfare. Since 1945, it has happened only when (a) the sitting MP defected to the SDP and ran against his former colleagues; (b) the Labour candidate won the most votes but was disqualified for holding a peerage (yes, really); or (c) in seats with wafer-thin majorities. Copeland could not be more different. This was a fortress, a seat that had voted Labour at every general election for eighty years. The last Conservative to represent Copeland was born in the 1870s, when the very idea of a Labour Party was an absurdity. Even in 2015, a disastrous year for the party, Labour held the seat comfortably with a 6.5 point lead. It fielded a popular local candidate, and the threat to a local hospital meant it could fight on solid Labour territory. So the loss of Copeland is not a 'setback' or a 'misfortune'. For the Labour Party, it is the breaking of the seals; the opening of the books of judgement in the latter days. Blaming the nuclear issue isn't good enough: a single by-election posed no threat to Sellafield, and the local candidate could hardly have been more pro-nuclear if she had exposed herself to gamma rays and hulked out on the campaign trail. Nor should the party take false comfort from hanging on to Stoke Central, a seat won by nearly 17 percentage points in 2015. The Tories barely campaigned until the final week and the UKIP candidate ran a comically inept campaign; yet still Labour lost ground. Copeland is a beacon, not a blip. As a Liberal MP once put it, 'The angel of death is abroad in the land. You may almost hear the beating of his wings'. The response from the leadership and its acolytes has been entirely predictable. Like a man brandishing an umbrella at the Atlantic Ocean, Richard Burgon dismissed Copeland as a 'Labour marginal', rather missing the point that all Labour seats are now marginal. For Denis Skinner, the 'glaring lesson' of the result was that Labour 'isn't left-wing enough', while Corbyn himself murmured something about a victory for the Conservative government being a rebuke to 'the political establishment'. Interviewed on the Today Programme, John McDonnell blamed Brexit, the nuclear industry, Tony Blair and Peter Mandelson, before concluding that Labour must carry on exactly as before and that all criticism of the leadership must now cease. It was like watching the poor, doomed citizens of The Lego Movie, singing 'Everything is awesome' as the Kragle prepares to fire. It is difficult to be temperate about those who have brought Labour to this state. The party's problems go back far beyond 2015; but rather than addressing them, Labour retreated into a narcissistic fantasy of its own creation. Like a battered old teddy bear in a cape, Jeremy Corbyn was endowed with superhuman powers that existed only in the minds of the children waving him around. That illusion proved impervious to evidence to the contrary: whether the desperate state of the polls; the policy vacuum at the heart of the party; the chaotic incompetence of the leader's office; or its sheer irrelevance to the debate around Brexit. It's not as if we weren't warned. In 2016, almost everyone who had worked with the leadership, or who had served the Labour Party in the past, warned of the iceberg ahead. Labour MPs, MEPs, local councillors and peers all begged the party to change course. The Shadow Cabinet resigned en masse, as did Corbyn's own economic advisory team. His head of policy went to work for Owen Smith. Every living former leader of the party, from Neil Kinnock to Ed Miliband, urged a change of leadership. To which the membership replied, its fingers stuck firmly in its ears: 'we know best'. And here we are. Corbyn's position is currently impregnable, so the future of the party is for him to determine. The question is one not of personality but of purpose. What is his leadership for? If the goal is to win an internal struggle within the party, then victory is assured. The membership is larger than ever and has swung sharply to the left. Corbyn's hold on its affections is not in doubt. His critics in the parliamentary party are demoralised and directionless; all that remains is to bayonet the wounded. But a party of government must surely aspire to more. The Labour Party is not a private members' club. Its success cannot be measured by the size of its membership list, or the scale of Corbyn's victories in its own internal leadership contests. A party exists, not to make its members feel good, but to make a difference to the lives of those it claims to represent. If Labour wants to influence the shape of Brexit; to stop hospitals closing; to rescue the social care system; or to roll back the anti-immigrant mood that is engulfing British politics, it must change course. Yet the message from the bridge is "steady as she goes". In Corbyn world, as in Legoland, 'Everything is awesome'. Posted 24th February by Robert Saunders Labels: Blair Brexit Copeland Corbyn Labour 1 View comments JAN 1 2016 and the Crisis of Parliaments  The Burning of the House of Lords and Commons, by J.W. Turner (1834) The year that has passed dealt three tremendous shocks to Britain's parliamentary system. Taken together, they constitute a quiet revolution: potentially the most significant recasting of how Britain is governed since the coming of universal suffrage. Understanding how this has happened, why it matters and what should be done about it is essential, if we are not to sleepwalk into new and potentially more dangerous forms of government in the year ahead. The Crisis of Parliaments The first great shock was Brexit, which struck the parliamentary system like a visit from the Death Star. The referendum lifted the biggest issue in British politics out of the hands of Parliament, then delivered a verdict that comprehensively over-rode its judgement. With three-quarters of MPs backing Remain, the vote to leave was a devastating indictment of the judgement of Parliament and of its claim to represent the people. The shockwaves will be felt for decades, as the whole cast of British foreign, economic and trade policy is reset in a manner to which MPs are largely hostile. If Brexit marked one blow to Parliament, the re-election of Jeremy Corbyn was another. For the first time in British history, the Leader of the Opposition commands no meaningful support within the House of Commons. He was placed in that role against the express opposition of MPs; and when they attempted to remove him, even serious news outlets described it as a "coup". A vote of no confidence, backed by three quarters of the parliamentary party, was dismissed as of "no constitutional legitimacy". Corbyn's re-election confirmed a remarkable constitutional fact: that the power to appoint the Leader of the Opposition no longer resides in Parliament. Labour MPs now huddle together on the backbenches, powerless behind a leader whose mandate is entirely extra-parliamentary. Only a happy accident prevented an even more serious constitutional anomaly on the Conservative benches. If Andrea Leadsom had not given a foolish interview to the newspapers, bringing a premature end to the Tory leadership race, Britain would now have its first directly elected Prime Minister. The new premier would have been placed in Downing Street, not by Parliament, nor even by the electorate, but by 170,000 entirely anonymous party members. Not since the Great Reform Act have a few hundred thousand people exercised so much unaccountable and undemocratic power. This was followed by a third key blow: the controversy around Article 50. When the High Court ruled that only Parliament could trigger the withdrawal process, the tabloids responded as if a coup d'etat had taken place. The Daily Mail denounced the judges as "enemies of the people", who had "declared war on democracy". The Daily Express dismissed MPs as a "Westminster cabal", that could not be trusted to carry out the will of the people. Even when MPs voted by a majority of 5-1 (rather larger than the majority in the referendum) that Article 50 should be triggered before April, The Daily Telegraph published the names of the 89 dissidents, accusing them of "contempt for referendum voters". Minorities must now be silenced, not simply outvoted. The most striking feature of the Article 50 case is that it is happening at all. The spectacle of MPs waiting patiently, while the courts decide whether to return powers that they are quite capable of demanding for themselves, would have astonished the Victorians. If the court finds for the government, Parliament will become irrelevant to the single biggest question in British politics. If the government loses, it will table an unamendable bill designed to prevent any meaningful parliamentary involvement. Either way, talk of "the sovereignty of Parliament" has become a quaint archaism, like singing "Britannia rules the waves" on the last night of the Proms. Does it matter? Does any of this matter? Parliament is a medieval institution in a digital age, and there have always been those who suspect that it exists rather to frustrate the popular will than to enact it. Surveys consistently rank MPs alongside journalists, estate agents and bankers as the professions least trusted by the public, a sentiment deepened by Iraq, Chilcot and the expenses scandal. Why have MPs at all when, as the Daily Express notes, we already have "a government carrying out the will of the people"? Democracy is a principle, not a form of government. It expresses a conviction that "the demos", or "the people" should govern, but says nothing about the forms through which this is done. Since only anarchists believe that "the people" can govern themselves without rules or institutions, some mechanism is necessary through which "the will of the people" can be tested and expressed. That is harder than it sounds. In all but the most primitive societies, "the people" are a chaos of different interests, impulses and identities. Human beings are not, like the Borg, mere extensions of a single, unitary intelligence; they are farmers and factory workers; old and young; rich and poor. They are shopkeepers, manual labourers and company directors. They vote for different parties, follow different religions and cleave to different values. Democracy is a process, not a body of opinion, which seeks to arbitrate between the glorious cacophony of voices within a free society. It is this that underpins a parliamentary system. The word "Parliament" comes from the French word "to speak". It is a place where the different classes and interests that make up a nation come together to parley. MPs talk, debate and bargain; they make compromises, in order to build coalitions of support. Where agreement cannot be reached, the majority must decide; but even majorities are alignments of conflicting ideas and intentions, pulling in different directions even as they coalesce around a temporary position. That's why there are 329 MPs on the government benches, rather than one MP wielding 329 votes. In a parliamentary system, dissidents are outvoted, but not silenced. They can test and challenge the majority, asking difficult questions and trying to peel off support. Opposition is not just expected; it is institutionalised. A shadow administration exists throughout the duration of the parliament, led by "the Leader of Her Majesty's Loyal Opposition". The archaic title captures something important: that opposition is itself a patriotic duty. 'The true meaning of democracy' The vision of democracy currently taking root is very different. For the tabloids, in particular, "the will of the people" is clear and unambiguous. Those who oppose it are guilty of treason against democracy. "Time to silence Brexit whingers", proclaims the Daily Express. "Damn the Bremoaners and their plot to subvert the will of the British people", the Daily Mail expostulates. For a columnist in the Express, no punishment could be too severe for critics of Brexit: Here's what I would do with them: clap them in the Tower of London ... we should give them 28 days against their will to reflect on the true meaning of democracy. We're in the midst of an exhilarating people's revolution and those who stand in the way of the popular will must take what's coming to them. The Telegraph was only slightly more measured: "all parliamentarians", it decreed, must "get behind Mrs May and her ministers". After all, "why would ministers be seeking anything other than the best possible outcome for the country?" This vision of "the people" as a single intelligence, issuing instructions to politicians, is a dangerous fantasy, made possible only by the vigorous suppression of dissenting voices. The 16 million voters who backed Remain are summarily expelled from the people; they are no longer "people" at all. When Nigel Farage proclaimed, on the morning of 24 June, that Brexit was a victory for "real people", he meant precisely that. To the populist, minorities are not "real people"; they are traitors and quislings, "metropolitan elites" whose "snake-like treachery cannot go unpunished". Their views are of no consequence, except as a source of unpatriotic resistance. In truth, the voice of the people is like the announcements on the London Underground: loud but often difficult to understand, because so many people are talking at once. In populist visions of democracy, only the voice that shouts loudest deserves a hearing. Whether that means the Daily Mail and the Murdoch press or the Momentum faction in the Labour party, that is a grim prospect for our democratic future. What's next? Over the next two years, the country will confront a series of momentous policy questions, none of which was on the ballot paper in June. What trade relationship do we want with the EU, and what price are we willing to pay? How do we rewrite our laws, after 40 years of integration? What do we want to keep, and what must we replace? Our fractured politics has never been more in need of a place where competing ideas and interests can gather to argue, to educate and to inform. What we have instead is a prime minister channelling the malevolent spirits of the tabloid press, wielding prerogative powers and "Henry VIII clauses", while dissent is shouted down as an offence against the people. If we want to turn this around, we'll have to fight for it. That means demanding the right of Parliament, not just to "have a say" on Brexit, or to vote on some meaningless one-line bill expressly designed to shut down discussion, but to take the lead in determining Britain's new direction. It means not being cowed by the thugs in the tabloid press, whose language increasingly resembles that of the Blackshirts they so admired in the 1930s. It means not putting up with the delusion that Jeremy Corbyn, one of the least popular leaders in British electoral history, has an unparalleled "democratic mandate", which demands the obeisance of MPs elected by 9 million Labour voters. But it also means admitting where Parliament has been complicit in its own decline. MPs must take much of the blame for their shrunken status. Parliament was badly damaged by the Iraq vote, when too few MPs were willing to resist the pressure of government and the tabloid press. The expenses scandal did colossal damage, as did the parachuting of party apparatchiks into safe seats with which they had little connection. Above all, an indefensible electoral system has shut out from Parliament significant bodies of opinion that deserved a hearing. When 4 million people vote UKIP at a general election, and are rewarded with a solitary MP, we should not be surprised if they conclude that Parliament is something done to them by an external elite. If Parliament is to revive, we must do more than simply forget that 2016 ever happened. The culture, behaviour and institutions of Parliament all need to change - a subject to which this blog will return. But it is a fight worth having, if we are to retain a democracy that is pluralistic, discursive and respectful of minority opinions. As 2016 limps unlamented from the stage, let us take back our parliamentary democracy. Posted 1st January by Robert Saunders Labels: Brexit Britain and Europe Corbyn democracy EU May Parliament 16 View comments SEP 16 "Censoring Queen Victoria": The Men who Invented a Monarch  CENSORING QUEEN VICTORIA: HOW TWO GENTLEMEN EDITED A QUEEN AND CREATED AN ICON by Yvonne M. Ward Oneworld, 208 pp., £16.99, March 2014, 978 1 78074 363 9 In his classic study of The English Constitution, first published in 1865, Walter Bagehot issued one of his celebrated obiter dicta on the paradoxes of popular monarchy. The nineteenth century, he noted, was pre-eminently the age of ‘public opinion’, when every branch of government was being opened to popular scrutiny; yet ‘the utility of English royalty’ lay chiefly in its ‘secrecy’. Bagehot was writing four years after the death of Prince Albert, at a time when the seclusion of the monarch was causing growing public anger. Invisible to her subjects and in neglect of her duties, Victoria was an increasingly unpopular figure, whom critics believed to be imperilling the monarchy. Yet in Bagehot’s skilful rendering, personal eccentricity was conjured into vital constitutional principle. Writing at the dawn of the democratic era, Bagehot proclaimed a monarchy of the imagination: a quasi-religious institution whose ‘efficient secret’ lay in its cultivated mystique. ‘Above all things’, he insisted, ‘royalty is to be reverenced’. ‘We must not let in daylight upon magic’. The challenge was to combine the mystery of distance with the illusion of intimacy, a requirement that Victoria understood better than most. Over the course of her reign she published extracts from her journal, commissioned a biography of Prince Albert, and was restrained only by the intervention of an Archbishop from writing a memoir of John Brown, her devoted ‘Highland servant’. When she died in 1901, her collected letters were issued in three handsome volumes. This was a new kind of public monument: a memorial intended, in the words of her editors, ‘pour servir the historian’. The Letters of Queen Victoria was a publishing sensation. To this day, it can be found in university libraries across the world, and it shaped historical writing for a century. And yet, as Yvonne Ward argues in this intriguing study, the woman it portrayed was as much a public construction as any statue or ceremonial arch. Her executors may have believed that ‘the truest service to the Queen is to let her speak for herself’, but her words would be selected and arranged by others. Her editors - tormented characters with their own secrets to hide - were more than simple chroniclers. They were the men who invented a monarch, and their creation has obscured the historical Victoria ever since. * The publication of the Letters was the brainchild of Viscount Esher, one of the most remarkable men of his day. Esher was the Pooh-Bah of the Victorian state, a man who could, had he wished, have been a Cabinet minister, British Ambassador in Paris, Governor of the Cape or Viceroy of India. Instead, he rejected all those posts for an assortment of more junior positions, which he wove into a spider’s web of social and political influence. He was Lieutenant-Governor of Windsor Castle, Keeper of the King’s Archives, Secretary of Works, a director of the Royal Opera House and a board member of the British Museum, the Wallace Collection and the London Museum. He served on the South Africa War Inquiry Commission, the Commission of Imperial Defence and the Committee on War Office Reconstruction. He was Private Secretary, factotum and possibly lover to the Whig magnate Lord Hartington, learning ‘to represent Hartington’s conscience when it would not otherwise have moved, and Hartington’s opinion when the Chief had none’. He was a partner in the great financial house Cassel’s, and became Secretary of the Memorial Commission on Victoria’s death. In the latter role, he built Admiralty Arch, redesigned the approach to Buckingham Palace and oversaw the purchase of Osborne House for the nation. Esher had many valuable attributes, not the least of which was discretion. He first came to the attention of royalty in 1889, when the discovery of a male brothel at Cleveland Street threatened to expose senior members of the Court. It was Esher who kept the story out of the papers and who spirited Lord Alfred Somerset – a friend of the Prince of Wales – out of the country. He would spend the next thirty years hoovering up evidence of the scandal, to be locked away in his own private archive. Esher could be trusted with the secrets of others because he had so many of his own. As a schoolboy at Eton, he had been trained in the Hellenic ideals of romantic boy-love and imperial service. Esher never lost his taste for Eton boys, taking a house near the school and haunting the grounds in search of ‘paramours’. He filled a closet at Windsor Castle with Eton blazers and had an unhealthy fixation with his son, Maurice. Nicknamed ‘Mollie’ – a slang word for a homosexual – Maurice was the object of an obsession bordering on mania. In one letter, Esher complains of his distress at Mollie’s ‘obvious boredom when I fetched you from the station … I suppose I was a little too demonstrative last night’. Maurice was a product of Esher’s unlikely marriage to Eleanor Van de Weyer. The couple had met when Esher was 23 and ‘Nellie’ just 13. Esher began courting her two years later, and they married when Nellie was 17. Esher seems to have regarded marriage as a necessary evil, writing grimly before the ceremony of ‘the icy shroud of matrimony’, yet the ‘gloomy event’ proved surprisingly successful. As Ward observes, ‘Nellie tolerated his dalliances, even welcoming into the household the various adolescent boys who infatuated him throughout their marriage’. She had, in any case, been obliquely warned. Shortly before their wedding day, Esher had warned that ‘[s]ome day … you will find me out and you will hate me … there is no necessity for elaborate detail’. Esher’s co-editor was Arthur Christopher Benson, son of the Archbishop of Canterbury and author of ‘Land of Hope and Glory’. Benson also spent his formative years at Eton, where he acquired the same romantic longings. As a housemaster at Eton, he wrestled with his feelings for the children in his care, writing hungrily of ‘boys with serene eyes’ and ‘low voices full of the fall of evening’; yet ‘how much pain … and no one sees the dangers more clearly than I do’. Benson blamed his education: ‘A strongly sensuous nature, brought up at an English public school, will almost certainly go wrong’. Benson relieved his feelings through writing, filling 180 volumes of diaries with almost 4 million words. He published more than 60 volumes of poetry and history, prompting wags to observe that ‘a thousand pages in his sight/ were but an evening gone’. Yet even in his diary, some feelings were not to be spoken of. There were, he acknowledged, ‘at least two thoughts often with me, that really affect my life, to which I never allude here’. ‘Anyone might think they could get a good picture of my life from these pages but it is not so’. Benson and Esher were well suited to the editing of a life, for they had carefully edited their own. It was this, perhaps, that made them so effective in their duties. Since childhood, Victoria had professed a hatred of being ‘on display’, and her editors could be trusted to show no more than seemed strictly necessary. Their task was not simply to select correspondence; it was to edit the image of a Queen. * Victoria was a prodigious correspondent, whose literary endeavours made even Benson look slack. Her journals alone filled 120 volumes, and it is estimated that her collected writings would run to more than 700 large volumes. The editors had to boil this down to just three: a daunting task, even with the decision to end the volumes in 1861. Working through the correspondence, Benson’s language became increasingly agricultural: he was ‘ploughing’, ‘hewing’, ‘slashing’, and ‘cutting like a backwoodsman’. His mood, always febrile, deteriorated as the scale of the task became obvious: ‘a very bad hour of despair, on waking’; ‘how am I to know what is interesting and what is not?’ This was not the only dilemma confronting the embattled editors. Victoria was not a private citizen. Her son had inherited the throne, many of her correspondents were still alive and there were legal and diplomatic niceties to observe. The very idea behind the project remained controversial. Critics complained that the letters were ‘never intended for publication’ and ‘would only supply matter for gossip’. Passages at which readers took umbrage included ‘The Queen anxiously hopes that Lord M. has slept well’ and her disappointment at his failure to come to dinner, suggesting a rather low threshold for scandal. Lord Stamfordham urged the editors ‘for the sake of the monarchical idea and “Cult”’ to ‘publish nothing which could tend to shake the position of Queen Victoria in the minds of her subjects’. Managing the new king was a project in itself. As Esher grumbled, All the old scandals, the Duke of Kent’s debts, the Conroy business, the Lady Flora Hastings business & so on – the King has never heard of them. He doesn’t read memoirs & of course no one dares talk to him of such things … [I]t is no good telling him that everybody who knows anything knows far more about them than he does himself; & that they won’t arouse comment simply because they are so stale. Benson wrote furiously of ‘the idiotic pomposity of monarchs’, but the King’s feelings could not be ignored. ‘We are between the devil and the deep blue sea’, Benson complained. ‘The King will be furious if we violate confidence, and displeased if the book is dull’. There were also diplomatic pressures to consider. The needs of the Anglo-French entente sat uneasily with Victoria’s strictures on ‘the wickedness and savagery of the French mob’. Her enthusiasm for ‘some great catastrophe at Paris’ (‘for that is the hothouse of Iniquity from wherein all the mischief comes’) was quietly excised. So, too, was her distaste for the Russian Emperor and her unfavourable opinion of the Irish. The censor’s pen could be somewhat haphazard: Victoria was not permitted to call the Irish ‘dirty’, but words like ‘ragged’ and ‘wretched’ were deemed acceptable. Her more sanguinary views were of course suppressed. The ‘rebellion in Ireland’, she wrote, seemed ‘likely to go off without any contest [which people (and I think with right) rather regret. The Irish should receive a good lesson or they will begin again]’. The words in square brackets were wisely removed. Sometimes excisions were demanded after the pages had been set, making it necessary to find replacements of equivalent length. Benson assured Esher that he would find ‘absolutely colourless passages’, though he had warned at the outset against ‘a colourless and official book’. He had wanted to advertise for letters in private possession and to publish ‘all the love letters to the Prince Consort in one volume’. ‘There should’, he told Esher, ‘be a little spice of triviality … to give a hint of humanity’. It was not simply the pressures of space, the needs of diplomacy or the feelings of the King that narrowed the volumes’ scope. Just as important were the biases of the editors. Ward draws repeated (and probably excessive) attention to the editors’ sexuality, but it is clear that neither knew much of women or of heterosexual marriage. Esher’s own marriage was a cover for his adolescent infatuations, while Benson was a lifelong bachelor. None of his siblings married, and his parents’ marriage had been as curious as Esher’s. They had met when Edward Benson was 23 and Mary (‘Minnie’) a child of 11. Edward pronounced her a ‘fine and beautiful bud’ and determined at once to marry her, moving into the family home in order to press his courtship. He proposed when Minnie was thirteen: ‘she sat as usual on my knee’, he recalled, ‘a little fair girl with her earnest look’. Their courtship continued until Minnie reached 18, when they married and set up home together. For a young girl coming under the power of an older and more experienced man, the emotional trauma was considerable. ‘The nights!’ wrote Minnie subsequently. ‘I can’t think how I lived’. For Benson’s parents, as for Esher, marriage was an essentially tutelary relationship, in which a young girl came under the wing of an older man of the world. Not surprisingly, this was also the model they imposed on Victoria. Esher produced an outline for the volume which was to guide Benson in his selections, exhibiting six phases in the young Queen’s life: (a) the early training of the Queen by Melbourne and Peel (b) the “coming of the Prince Consort” (c) the influence over him of the King of the Belgians and [Baron] Stockmar (d) the growth of their powers (e) the change in the relations of the Crown to the Ministers after the retirement of Aberdeen (f) the culmination of the Prince Consort’s rule 1859-1861 This was a history, not of the Queen, but of the men who had guided and instructed her. As Ward observes, this was ‘the template that made sense to Benson and Esher’. The correspondence would be used ‘to tell a dramatic story’, centring on the Victorian men who had manufactured a Queen. The bias was largely subconscious: as Ward shrewdly observes, when Benson and Esher read Victoria’s correspondence, they ‘could “hear” her male correspondents’ voices more clearly and appreciate their importance more readily’. Benson confessed that he found women’s letters ‘very tiresome’, and few of Victoria’s female correspondents made the published volumes. This excluded not only some of her closest confidantes, but also major European figures. To take but one example, Victoria and her half-sister Princess Feodora corresponded weekly for the best part of forty years, yet only four brief extracts were published in the Letters. Victoria’s nine pregnancies barely feature at all, reflecting her editors’ view of childbirth as a distasteful and mercifully private indulgence. Even the Queen loomed less large than one might expect. Of the letters published in these volumes, only 40% were actually written by Victoria; for her editors, the men in her life were simply more interesting. Lord Melbourne was a particular favourite: ‘I adore him’, wrote Benson; ‘the delicious mixture of the man of the world, the chivalrous man of sentiment, the wit, the soft-hearted cynic appeals to me extraordinarily’. The first volume reproduced just 35 of Victoria’s letters to Melbourne, but found space for 139 in the opposite direction. Family and continental relationships were also treated with suspicion. The young Victoria had been especially close to her uncle, King Leopold of the Belgians. Benson and Esher were happy to acknowledge his moral tutelage, but were less comfortable with the overtly political correspondence. Wary of overstating the Continental influences on Victoria, they preferred to foreground Melbourne, Peel and other domestic statesmen. Early on, they made the remarkable decision to omit altogether ‘a very large series of volumes entitled GERMANY’, which they deemed – quite literally – to be ‘foreign to our purpose’. No effort was made to explore Continental archives or the resources of European courts. As Ward puts it, the editors ‘were Englishmen, and did not recognise the extent to which Victoria had been a European’. * As the volumes progressed, the woman at their heart became more Edwardian than Victorian. Into the dustbin went her continental relationships, her network of female correspondents, her close attention to royal marriages and her somewhat Wagnerian view of international relations. What remained was a model of constitutional propriety; a woman tutored by the gentlemen around her, for whom England, not Europe, was the point of reference. This Victoria – the Victoria of her Edwardian designers – reigned even longer in the twentieth century than she had in the nineteenth. Esher had promised to let the Queen ‘speak for herself’; yet in death, as in life, Victoria was rarely permitted that luxury. Her words were chosen for her, and the selection has proven the more powerful because of the difficulty of accessing the Royal Archives. The 1921 biography by Lytton Strachey, for example, followed almost exactly the model set out by Esher, following what Ward calls ‘the young, innocent girl-queen’ through her tutelage by the men around her. ‘Victoria’, Strachey concluded, ‘was a mere accessory’, who could almost be written out of the age to which she had given her name. Benson and Esher were neither incompetent nor devious. They did not set out to mislead or to ‘censor’ the Queen they revered. Confronted with so great a mass of material, it was inevitable that they would draw out those portions that seemed, to them, most important. New editors would do the same, though their prejudices would be different. Ward herself would want more on Victoria the woman: her experience of marriage; her networks of female correspondents; and her complex negotiation of patriarchy. Few today would cavil at such a selection; but it would reflect the priorities of our own era as truly as Benson and Esher did theirs. Victoria remains as mysterious a figure as Bagehot could have wished; a will-o'-the-wisp, glimpsed but never captured in the pages of her letters. The pursuit almost cost Benson his sanity: he had a breakdown shortly after publication and was admitted to a clinic in Mayfair. Checking the final proofs, he confessed to his diary that 'depression lurks in the background, moving dimly like a figure in the mist'. The same might be said of Victoria herself: the Queen he had adored, but could never truly comprehend. Posted 16th September 2016 by Robert Saunders 0 Add a comment JUL 5 Flying Off the Atlas: Why Britain Needs an Election  Our new prime minister arrives in Downing Street Towards the end of The BFG, by that astute political analyst Roald Dahl, the Queen sends the Heads of the Army, Navy and Royal Air Force on a daring helicopter raid. Led by the valiant Sophie, they quickly find themselves in places that even the British had never invaded: ‘This place we’re flying over now isn’t in the atlas, is it?’ the pilot said, grinning. ‘You’re darn right it isn’t in the atlas!’ cried the Head of the Air Force. ‘We’ve flown clear off the last page!’ As in all atlases, there were two completely blank pages at the very end. ‘So now we must be somewhere here,’ he said, putting a finger on one of the blank pages. ‘Where’s here?’ cried the Head of the Army. The young pilot was still grinning broadly. He said to them, ‘That’s why they always put two blank pages at the back of the atlas. They’re for new countries. You’re meant to fill them in yourself.’ British politics flew off the atlas more than a week ago, and has been without map or compass ever since. The priorities of government have been overturned at a stroke: out goes the elimination of the deficit, in comes a decade of trade negotiations. Within weeks we will have a new prime minister, leading a new government, confronting questions that were scarcely dreamed of in the election of 2015. When do we trigger Article 50? What trade relationship do we want with Europe? Does access to the single market trump control of immigration? Before confronting these issues, we urgently need an election. Our constitutional crisis has many dimensions, but the immediate issue lies with the premiership. It is entirely normal, in Britain, for a prime minister to take office without a general election. Six have done so since the coming of universal suffrage; most recently, Gordon Brown in 2007. But this practice rests on the assumption that we are a parliamentary democracy, in which consent flows through our elected Members of Parliament. For the first time, however, our new prime minister will not be chosen by MPs. The appointment will be made by 150,000 Conservative activists - 0.3% of the electorate - nominated for this role by nobody except themselves. For the first time in our history, we will have a directly-elected prime minister - placed in Downing Street, not by the electorate, not by Parliament, but by people whose names we do not know and whom we cannot hold to account. There is no precedent for this in British history, and its gravitational pull is already reshaping our politics. Leadership candidates are making pledges about the deficit, tax and spending, the rights of EU citizens and the National Health Service, pitched not at Parliament or the wider electorate but at the tiny subset of the Tory membership. This would be outrageous under any circumstances. At a moment when we are about to renegotiate the entire spectrum of our trade relations, it is absolutely intolerable. The situation arises, as so often, from the constitutional carelessness of our political class. In a laudable attempt to engage their members, parties have opened up their leaderships to the choice of party members. Yet in so doing, they have bolted on a quasi-presidential element to what is still functionally a parliamentary system - and they have done so without any of the logic or protections of presidential models. In the United States, for example, presidential nominees are chosen through party contests, but they cannot exercise power until they have run directly for election among the wider public. Before they can take office, the mandate they receive from party supporters must be endorsed by the electorate. If it is, they exercise the independent powers of that office, whatever the situation in Congress. In this way, the Constitution provides both for the popular mandate of directly-elected officials, and for the functioning of government where parties are divided. Donald Trump, for example, could win the presidency against the opposition of Republicans in the House, and each would then exercise their own independent powers. Under a parliamentary system, none of this applies. Authority - and democratic legitimacy - flow through our elected Members of Parliament. A prime minister can only govern with the confidence of the House of Commons; laws can only be passed if MPs actively vote for them. So we have developed - quite suddenly - a constitutional fiction, by which the party mandate of the leader trumps the constituency mandate of the MPs. Members of Parliament are now expected to speak, vote and act under the instruction of the activists, a far smaller cohort than those who elected them to Parliament. In this way, the pursuit of internal party democracy has blown a hole in our parliamentary democracy. If Tory activists vote for anyone other than Theresa May, both our major parties will have leaders imposed upon them against the wishes of MPs. The Prime Minister and the Leader of the Opposition will have been chosen by fewer than half a million people, yet will claim a mandate over MPs elected by 21 million. Let us imagine, for a moment, that Andrea Leadsom wins the leadership. In a tight contest, 75,000 votes could put her in Number Ten - roughly the size of an average English constituency. As Prime Minister, imagine that she abandoned manifesto pledges made in 2015, cutting benefits and abandoning deficit rules on the basis of the new conditions created by Brexit. Imagine, finally, that when MPs rebelled, she demanded their loyalty on the basis of her 'mandate' - a mandate smaller than her own constituency of South Northamptonshire. Left-wingers would be rioting in the streets. Yet that is precisely the position in which the Labour Party also finds itself, with a 'mandate' bestowed by 0.5% of the electorate and less than 3% of Labour voters intoned like a sacred charm, to whip our Parliamentary representatives into obedience. In the name of internal party democracy, wholly disproportionate power has been vested in the hands of self-selecting cliques. If we want a presidential system, with heads of government exercising direct personal mandates, we should do it properly and separate the executive from the legislature. Party leaders should run in national elections, with parliamentary parties seeking their own mandates as a check on the executive. There is much to be said for such a system; there is nothing whatsoever to be said for a hybrid in which Parliament is expected to prostrate itself before gangs of activists. Unless and until we establish a presidential system with proper checks and balances, we need desperately to reassert the primacy of our parliamentary democracy. In the longer term, all parties face serious questions about how they select their leaders, how we hold them to account and how we repair our battered constitution. In the short term, the issue is more acute. There is no precedent in British history for a prime minister propelled straight into Downing Street, over the heads of Parliament, by the votes of a small, unelected and unaccountable group of activists. For the sake of our democracy, and the legitimacy of our institutions, Britain urgently needs an election. Posted 5th July 2016 by Robert Saunders Labels: Brexit Conservative constitution Corbyn Labour Leadership Leadsom May 0 Add a comment JUN 27 Britain Needs an Opposition  The crisis currently engulfing British politics has no precedent in modern history. In the 72 hours since the referendum, the prime minister has resigned, the shadow cabinet has declared war on its leader, and the Leave campaign has been torching its promises like a drugs cartel destroying the evidence before the police arrive. Over the weekend, as $2.7 trillion was wiped off global markets, it appeared that the Chancellor of the Exchequer had been taken to his eternal reward, leaving the Governor of the Bank of England to run the country. The scale of what happened last Thursday would be difficult to exaggerate. With one vote, the electorate knocked over the central pillar of British foreign, economic and trade policy for fifty years. That decision - whether we voted for it or not - has left our creaking institutions facing three Herculean tasks. First, they must negotiate our departure from the European Union, probably the most complex diplomatic exercise since the Second World War. Second, they must unpick 40 years of legislation, peeling apart two legal systems that have grown together like the trunks of ancient trees. Thirdly, they have to set up new arrangements to replace the old, on everything from regional aid and industrial policy to immigration and the funding of higher education. Any one of these tasks would consume the energies of Whitehall for years; coming together, they constitute probably the biggest exercise in government ever undertaken by the British state. All this will be happening at a time of exceptional constitutional volatility. If Scotland votes for independence (which is by no means certain), we can add restructuring the United Kingdom to the in-tray. Northern Ireland is going to need especially sensitive handling, something at which distracted British governments have not always excelled. Throw in a general election later this year, and there is barely a cog in the machinery of government that is not in frenzied motion. As the Chinese curse puts it, 'may you live in interesting times'. In this context, the existence of a functioning Opposition is now a matter of urgency. If Boris Johnson is not to use the country for his own personal game of whiff-whaff, we cannot go on with our second biggest party - and the only alternative government - strapped to the life-support machine. That means, with apologies to my friends who feel differently, that the Corbyn experiment must come to an end. In practical terms, the Labour Party has no leader at present. Jeremy Corbyn inhabits the office, but he cannot command his MPs. A year ago, he could barely find 15 Members of Parliament to nominate him for the role; today, he can hardly scratch together a Shadow Cabinet. The list published this morning is simply not credible as a government; if put before the electorate later this year, we could see a Conservative majority on the scale of 1931. Labour cannot go to the country behind a man whom its own MPs do not want to become prime minister. But what of his "mandate"? What of the democratic will of the party membership? The 250,000 who voted for him last year deserve respect, but the word "democratic" is being stretched to breaking point. In the General Election last year, nearly five times as many people voted for the Green Party as voted to make Corbyn leader. Ten times that number voted for the much-derided Liberal Democrats, whom we are constantly told are now an irrelevance. What of the mandate of the Parliamentary Labour Party, for whom more than 9 million people cast their ballots? It is an offence against democracy that the second party in Parliament - and the only alternative government that can be put before the voters - can be held captive in this way. If we have learned one thing in this referendum campaign, it is that our parliamentary democracy needs to reassert its legitimacy. A party of government cannot become the plaything of Momentum. Corbyn himself seems a decent man, though manifestly unsuited to leadership. That the second half of that sentence weighs so little with his supporters is at the core of the problem. Labour is not a cult and it does not exist to make its members feel good about themselves. It exists to protect the poor and vulnerable; to build a better society; to challenge inequality and extend opportunity. Indulging an incompetent leader, because he makes us feel good, is a betrayal of the very people Labour exists to serve. We are told this morning that Corbyn will fight; that he will force a leadership election and run as a candidate. There is a good chance that he would win such a contest. But what then? Labour MPs will not serve under him. They cannot campaign for him at an election. The new Shadow Cabinet released this morning is an an embarrassment, a public declaration of incapacity to govern. I, and millions of other Labour stalwarts, simply will not vote for it. The Corbyn experiment has brought to the leadership some noble impulses: a more positive attitude to immigration; a desire to rebuild Labour as a campaigning vehicle; and a determination that Labour should protect the most poor and vulnerable. John McDonnell's economic advisory committee has been a positive step, which has brought new intellectual firepower to the party's policymaking. Too often, however, Corbyn has indulged the worst of Labour's traditions. The first is sectarianism: the view, famously expressed by Nye Bevan, that Tories are 'lower than vermin'. For the Corbynistas, 'Tory' is a word to be spat out, loaded with such venom that those who utter it must have asbestos lips. On social media, Corbyn's critics are subjected to a vicious torrent of abuse, actively stoked by some in Momentum. Any one who dares to question the leader is told to 'f**k off and join the tories'. The problem is not simply that the charge is untrue, or that handing out membership forms for your opponents seems a curious electoral strategy. It is that millions of good and decent people across the country really are Tories, usually for good and decent reasons. They care about their friends, their families, and their country. They want a better future for their children - and for others, too. We may feel that they have backed the wrong horse; but it is our job to persuade them of that fact, not to treat them as traitors and bigots. Most Labour leaders have understood this. Clement Attlee had been a Tory himself earlier in life; Harold Wilson was married to a Conservative; Tony Blair (though this won't help...) was the son of a Conservative. By contrast, Corbyn seems unable even to muster the courtesy to speak to his opponent at the state opening of Parliament. In the most important election campaign for a generation - on a subject they actually agreed about - would it really have killed him to share a platform just once with David Cameron? When Sadiq Khan, who would have better reasons than most for standing aloof, appeared alongside the prime minister, John McDonnell accused him of 'discrediting' the party. We now have a leadership team that shared platforms with the IRA during the Troubles, yet regards contact with Conservatives as a form of ritual pollution. That takes us to the second besetting sin of the left: its capacity for self-delusion. There is no need, we are told, to win over Tory voters. Instead, like the ghost army summoned by Aragorn in The Lord of the Rings, a seething tide of non-electors will surge out of the darkness to overwhelm the Tory degenerates. I applaud the desire to reach non-electors: we should be appalled that so many opt out of our democratic process. But the notion that they are all secret socialists, waiting like the Knights of the Round Table for the return of Arthur, is a fantasy. On Thursday, traditional non-electors did come out - and many of them voted for UKIP. Here, too, there is a giant work of persuasion to be done. Finally, we have been treated once again to the historic preference of the left for moral victories over, well, actual victory. Some will remember the dreadful election of 1983, when Labour suffered its worst defeat since the 1930s. Tony Benn told The Guardian that it was a triumph: Labour might have collapsed to its lowest level since the War, but the remnant that remained had voted for a genuinely socialist alternative. It must have been a difficult time for Margaret Thatcher, but she consoled herself with a landslide majority and eleven years of uninterrupted government. Likewise, in spring of this year, Labour actually lost seats in the local elections - but told its supporters that it had made progress on the road to government. Worst of all, on Friday morning, as the party's heartland seats revolted en masse against the party line, a press statement proclaimed that "Jeremy Corbyn has showed that he is far closer to the centre of gravity of the British public than other politicians. He is now the only politician who can unite a divided country". Britain needs an opposition that acknowledges reality; that speaks to those who disagree with it; that is competent to govern; and that can face an election in the next nine months. This is now only possible if Corbyn stands aside. If he does, he will be remembered as an honourable man who made a noble sacrifice. If he does not, as Chris Bryant wrote last night, "I fear you will go down in history as the man who broke the Labour Party". Posted 27th June 2016 by Robert Saunders 1 View comments JUN 26 The Cameron Illusion  On 15 June 1988, the telephone rang at Conservative Central Office. It was answered by the deputy director of the Research Department, who was about to interview a fresh-faced recruit named David Cameron. The call was from Buckingham Palace, and contained an extraordinary message: I understand that you are to see David Cameron. I’ve tried everything I can to dissuade him from wasting his time on politics, but I have failed. You are about to meet a truly remarkable young man. To this day, the identity of Cameron’s royal referee is shrouded in mystery - partly because there are so many contenders. Was it Sir Alastair Aird, Equerry to the Queen Mother and husband to Cameron’s godmother? Or Sir Brian McGrath, a friend of his parents who was private secretary to Prince Philip? Cameron himself had been at prep school with Prince Edward, and the Queen was sometimes to be seen dropping off her children or enjoying a cup of tea with the headmaster. Did Her Majesty spot the potential in the infant Cameron, as he bustled merrily along the corridors? It is a tale that captures much of the essence of the Cameron story. No prime minister of modern times has been so deeply rooted in the Establishment. None has been so routinely tipped for greatness. And yet few retain such an enduring air of mystery. David Cameron has been the longest serving Tory leader since Margaret Thatcher. He has led his party for nearly eleven years and his country for more than six. Yet he remains curiously undefined in the public imagination. He has published no speeches, acquired no nicknames and is associated with no ‘project’. It would be difficult to quote anything he has ever said, and the nature of his Conservatism remains almost wholly obscure. As his premiership draws to a close, who is David Cameron? And what does he believe? I From 1965 to 2001, every Conservative leader was of relatively humble stock. Ted Heath was the son of a carpenter; Margaret Thatcher grew up over the grocer's shop, while John Major's parents worked in the music halls. In this respect, Cameron marked the re-emergence of an older tradition of Tory leadership. His childhood, in rural Oxfordshire, had a distinctly ruritanian character: a world of nannies, country houses and afternoons shooting rooks and pigeons. At his prep school, Heatherdown, the parental roster included two princesses, a viscount, an earl and the reigning monarch. Visitors to the school sports day passed through one of three entrances, marked respectively for ‘ladies’, ‘gentlemen’ and ‘chauffeurs’. It was a place of ‘endless pillow-fights and non-stop ragging in the dorm’. Matron patrolled the corridors, and ‘Cameron more than once felt the sting of the clothes brush’.[1] Yet if Cameron's background appeared quaintly archaic, his entry to Conservative politics was thoroughly modern. Like so many politicians of the Blair era and beyond, he went straight from university to the Conservative Research Department, where he was immediately identified as a star in the making. Maurice Fraser, who worked with Cameron in the 1992 election, was 'totally convinced this guy was going to be Conservative Party leader one day. In drafting or advising on the key point to take, it would just trip off his tongue, the right thing to say in a given context'. Cameron matched an inexhaustible capacity for work with keen political antennae, and he added to this an easy, though apparently selective, charm. Colleagues noted his 'emotional intelligence', his ability to find the right words in dealing with the media, and embattled ministers began asking for Cameron by name. By the time he left Central Office in 1994, to become head of corporate communications at Carlton, Cameron had worked at every great department of state except the Foreign Office. He had worked closely with John Major, Norman Lamont and Michael Howard, and played a central co-ordinating role in the 1992 election. After seven years in the private sector, he was elected to Parliament as MP for the safe seat of Witney in Oxfordshire. He was still just thirty-four years old. From the moment he entered the Commons, in 2001, Cameron was identified as a future prime minister. Yet to the proverbial visitor from Mars, it would not be easy to explain why. As late as 2005, Cameron had no legislative achievements, no experience of office and no significant public profile. Though he had entered the Shadow Cabinet in 2004, he had done so in a party role – as head of policy co-ordination – rather than in a leading ministerial portfolio. He declined the role of Shadow Chancellor in 2005, apparently believing that the education brief would better burnish his modernising credentials. For all his obvious talents, Cameron had shown no evidence that he could run a ministerial department or operate the levers of government. Yet these were not the attributes his party required. Cameron’s talents lay in marketing: he knew how to package a product for public consumption. It was Greg Barker, a fellow member of the 2001 intake, who spotted Cameron’s own ‘marketability’: I had come to the view that the Tory Party needed to skip a generation. We needed telegenic, charismatic, modern – not in a grumpy, tortured, Portillo way, but in a relaxed, effortless comfortable-with-themselves sort of way. And he seemed to fit the bill very closely. Cameron was of the same opinion, and within two or three years of entering Parliament had quietly constructed a leadership team. Yet when Michael Howard resigned in 2005, his support within the party remained thin. When The Sunday Timespolled 100 MPs early in September, it found only nine who favoured Cameron. Recruitment foundered on a perception that Cameron ‘had been over-keen on impressing his seniors’ and ‘aloof and dismissive towards … his peers’. For most of the summer he had fewer than 14 supporters, at least four of whom were fellow Etonians. This wasn't a leadership bid; it was a high school reunion. But as Cameron himself understood, the parliamentary party was no longer the critical audience. If Cameron could establish himself as the frontrunner with the public - and if he could present himself as a potential election winner - the party would reposition itself accordingly. Even in the early days of the campaign, when Cameron's parliamentary support was in single figures, Barker recalls that ‘We were getting by far the best media profile’. The fresh, young and personable candidate came across well on camera; and as some journalists acknowledged, he simply offered a better story than his rivals. As one reporter told the political scientist Tim Bale: David Davis: we were used to him; we were bored with him; he’d been quite high-handed and arrogant with lots of journalists. Dave: we didn’t really know – young, modern; there’d be all sorts of interesting stories about cocaine and drugs … he was attractive, and his picture looked better on our front pages. For the campaign launch, Cameron spent £20,000 on a media event pitched far beyond the parliamentary party. On arrival, journalists were handed strawberry smoothies and chocolate brownies. As they settled in their seats, they took in the room, white and circular, and the ambient music – “lots of little chimes and bells”. It was all very different from David Davis’s launch in the fusty oak-panelled surroundings of the Institute of Civil Engineers. Davis’s message might have been “Modern Conservatives”, but that was just a slogan: this was modern. Having redefined ‘modernity’ as fruit smoothies and groovy music, Cameron engineered a brilliant piece of theatre at the party conference. His media-savvy team managed to reserve the front seats for their own supporters, ensuring that TV footage recorded their muted response to Davis and enthusiastic ovation for Cameron. They were boosted by controversial pollster Frank Luntz, whose Newsnight focus group revealed extraordinary levels of enthusiasm. With successful appearances on Question Time and Newsnight, Cameron overhauled the frontrunners to secure a thumping victory, first in the MPs’ ballot and then among the party membership. II Cameron had established himself as a brilliant public performer, who both looked and sounded like a leader. What was less clear was the direction in which he intended to take his party. Cameron has never laid claim to an ‘ism’ and he wears his convictions lightly. ‘I’m not a deeply ideological person’, he told Andrew Rawnsley; ‘I’m quite a practical person’. Even as a student, his tutor recalls, Cameron ‘didn’t lose sleep over philosophical problems’, and he acknowledges a preference for instinct over introspection. As he once asked Dylan Jones, ‘Is that entirely logical? Not really, but it’s what I feel’. At first glance, this locates Cameron within a healthy tradition of Tory scepticism; a line of descent stretching back to David Hume and beyond. Yet scepticism is itself a philosophical position, founded upon a relentless questioning of established truths. Cameron, by contrast, has tended to drift along behind the conventional wisdom of his ‘set’. Like most Tories of his generation, he believes in lower taxes, less regulation and a smaller state. He has an almost religious faith in markets and competition, which he has applied indiscriminately to the forests, the National Health Service and the education system. Even on gay rights – a subject on which he was ‘surprisingly squeamish’ in the 90s – his position has evolved largely in step with fashionable, metropolitan opinion. From this perspective, Cameron seems guilty not of ‘scepticism’ but of what his biographers call a ‘heroic incuriosity’. He takes no interest in the arts; has only the haziest grasp of history; and cheerfully admits that he ‘doesn’t really read novels’. Far from liberating himself from ‘ideology’, he has simply ceased to ask meaningful questions of it. In an incautious remark to newspaper executives in 2005, Cameron presented himself as ‘the heir to Blair’; another leader who was scornful of ‘ideology’. By a pleasing irony, earlier generations of Camerons lived in ‘Blairmore House’; and one of the more endearing sights of Cameron’s leadership came at Blair’s final appearance in the Commons, when the Tory leader leapt to his feet to lead the ovation. Yet the comparison is less compelling than it appears. Unlike the Labour leader, Cameron is not temperamentally drawn to change. He surrounds himself with familiar faces from his past; likes hunting, shooting and other country pursuits; and is openly affectionate towards his old school. He enjoys ceremonial, and one of the few subjects on which he admits to becoming ‘furious’ is the ban on hunting to hounds. As his friend, Nick Boles, once noted, ‘The fundamental difference between David and Tony Blair … is that David is absolutely, cut right through him, a total Conservative. He was born into it, he loves it, it’s embraced him, he’s not the outsider’. In this respect, Cameron is not by temperament a ‘moderniser’. Though he accepted that his party must change, he was a reformer by necessity, rather than conviction. The result was a curiously ambivalent message. In 2001, for example, Cameron urged his party to ‘change its language, change its approach, start with a blank sheet of paper’. Yet there followed a remarkable caveat: Anyone could have told the Labour Party in the 1980s how to become electable. It had to drop unilateral disarmament, punitive tax rises, wholesale nationalisation and unionisation. The question for the Conservative Party is far more difficult because there are no obvious areas of policy that need to be dropped. In 2005, again, he insisted that the party needed ‘fundamental’ change, not just ‘slick rebranding’. But what was change to mean, if the policies remained the same? The dilemma was sidestepped, rather than resolved, by ‘the politics of “and”’ - a strategy that sought to pair Thatcherite policies on tax cuts and Europe with more fashionable positions on the environment and social justice. Declaring war on Britain’s ‘broken society’, Cameron promised to be ‘as radical a social reformer as Mrs Thatcher was an economic reformer’. He visited the Arctic to see the effects of global warming, and promised ‘the greenest government ever’. Yet these were rhetorical positions, not policy platforms. When Nick Clegg made his own pitch for the green vote in 2008, Conservative staffers were scathing. ‘He can have that’, an advisor joked; ‘we were doing youthful vigour a couple of years ago … we’re on to flags and fireplaces now’. Cameron had secured for his party ‘the right to be heard’. But having cleared its throat and stepped up to the microphone, it appeared to have nothing much to say. The ‘Big Society’ was a slogan in search of a policy. ‘Broken Britain’ was a protest, not a programme. The mood was summed up by Rupert Murdoch, in an interview before their relationship turned sour. Cameron, he told the New Yorker, was ‘charming, he’s very bright, and he behaves as if he doesn’t believe in anything. He’s a PR guy’. It was in this context that the financial crisis erupted in 2008. Despite his period as a Treasury advisor, economic policy was not an area to which Cameron had devoted much thought. He had declined the post of Shadow Chancellor in 2005, and made no reference to the economy in a list of ‘the big questions facing our country’ in 2008. Amidst justified criticism of Labour, it almost went unnoticed how chaotic was the Conservatives’ response to the crisis. Likening Gordon Brown to Castro, Osborne warned that nationalising Northern Rock would take Britain ‘back to the 1970s’, while Quantitative Easing was ‘a cruise missile aimed at the heart of recovery’. ‘Printing money,’ he intoned, was ‘the last resort of desperate governments’. Yet the financial crisis temporarily resolved the central dilemma of Cameronism. With the bail-out of the banks and the escalation of national debt, a failure of the private sector was transformed into a crisis of public expenditure. The need to ‘pay down the deficit’ finally gave Cameron the direction he required. It also allowed the party to reactivate its preference for shrinking public expenditure, without having to make the ideological case for a smaller state. As his biographers put it, Cameron was in a sense lucky with his economic inheritance since it gave him a ready-made definition. “If the Fates hadn’t handed him that hand, and he didn’t have the deficit, what would he be doing instead? I don’t think people have got any idea”. III The failure to win a majority in 2010 came as a shock – and posed a graver threat to Cameron than was acknowledged at the time. Cameron had won the party leadership on the strength of his electoral appeal; but faced with an unpopular government and a widely derided opponent, he had failed to deliver. Lacking any particular personal following, Cameron’s leadership depended upon restoring the Conservatives to government. As a colleague put it, Cameron’s ‘bollocks were on the line. He had to think very quickly how he and George were going to get out of this alive’. The solution, of course, lay in coalition. With his ‘big, open and comprehensive offer’, Cameron played a difficult hand with considerable skill - and the results offered rich rewards. By pooling responsibility for the cuts, coalition actually strengthened Tory claims to be acting from necessity rather than zeal. The alliance shielded Cameron from his own right-wing, while shutting down the Liberal Democrats as a repository for disaffected voters. The scale of the deficit – and the willingness of both parties to blame Labour – established a common purpose that went beyond the formal coalition agreement, and which enabled it to hold together despite inevitable tensions. Cameron was also lucky in his opponents. After Tony Blair resigned in 2007, the Labour Party chose three leaders in a row who were unlikely ever to win an election. At a time when economic competence was the central battleground of British politics, it never shook off the perception that it had caused the crisis in the first place. The party had naively assumed that it would benefit from the collapse of the Liberal Democrats; instead, it was the Conservatives who prospered, vacuuming up Tory/Lib Dem marginals where the Labour Party barely existed. Facing an opposition party that was collapsing in its Scottish heartlands, lead by a man whom few voters could imagine anywhere near Downing Street, Cameron succeeded in 2015 where he had failed five years earlier. With victory at the general election, he became the first Conservative leader for 23 years to win a parliamentary majority; the first since 1900 to increase his share of the vote after a full term in office. Standing on the steps of Downing Street, he told journalists that 'I truly believe we are on the brink of something special'. Yet nemesis was lurking with the frying pan. Like Thatcher and Major before him, Cameron has seen his premiership destroyed by the European question. No issue has been more toxic for the Conservative Party or more corrosive of party loyalties. It has been especially destructive for Cameron, because it played to none of his strengths and all of his weaknesses. The first was the shallowness of his modernisation project. Cameron famously said that he wanted the Conservative Party to stop ‘banging on about Europe’ – but this, as ever, was a change of tone, not of policy. There was no question of challenging the Eurosceptics in his party, or of restating what had once been the Conservative case for Europe. Instead, he fed their appetite. He pulled the Conservative Party out of the moderate EPP bloc in the European Parliament, in favour of a ragbag alliance of unsavoury populist parties. He promised a referendum on the Lisbon Treaty, then dropped it shortly afterwards. He introduced the referendum lock, vetoed treaty change on the Eurozone, and repeatedly assured colleagues and voters of his Euroscepticism. Since he kept giving, the sceptics kept asking. And after ten years of speaking their language, his almost missionary zeal for the EU during the referendum campaign rang strangely on the ear. A second problem was his tendency to deal with short-term problems by kicking them down the line. The Bloomberg speech, in which he promised a referendum in 2013, got him over a temporary difficulty with his backbenchers, but there would always come a time when they banked the cheque. His opponents used that time to prepare; Cameron, it appears, did not. It wa…
0 notes