#u not liking her decisions is not the same thing as her making illogical decisions with no basis written beforehand that would explain that

[straightfromthetorturedpoetsdept]

having a heart attack, saw a video that said "why are female characters written terribly and they included katniss" no baby, a woman whose actions you don't agree with does not poor writing make.

[aslibekroglu]

How do u feel about Son Yaz season 2 so far? Though I’m so excited to have it back on screen, I can’t help to feel the darkness and anger of the main characters kinda threw me off. Gone are the days of light-hearted family drama… I’m sure all the darkness is necessary for them to find light again, but I can’t help to feel that’s why the ratings are so low.

And let’s not even talk about #akmur 😭 at this point I can’t help to feel that they will never get back together. With Yagmur’s anger and Akgun’s involvement w/ Sancaktar, my guess that the only thing that’ll bring them together is something major like Selim’s death…

I feel conflicted about this season! I like it and I like seeing the changes in the characters after all the trauma and 3 years apart, but it feels like something’s missing. The spark that made s1 so special just isn’t there to me and I can’t put my finger on why that is. Part of me feels like it’s because last season seemed much more focused on the characters and their development and their relationships with each other (or at least that’s what I paid the most attention to 😬🤔) and this season is more about the crime/mafia aspect of the story. And I mean I am interested in it, but again it’s not really the thing I care about the most, the characters are. Someone on twitter said something about how what made s1 so good was watching them build this family and seeing that family warmth and how this season is kinda trying to appeal to the ppl who asked for more action in the story. I can definitely see that. Like you said, gone are the days of light-hearted family drama… Either way whatever is going on is just not really working rating wise and that makes me so so sad (I am not joking when I say I literally shed tears on Sunday after seeing the ratings).

And more and more, I’ve been seeing ppl complain about what’s wrong the show, what the writers are doing wrong and how they should be writing the season and it breaks my heart. Bc what’s really crazy to me is how all dizis go through that inevitable point where the show no longer feels the same, characters are all ooc and making stupid, illogical decision, the romantic relationships don’t make sense anymore and the writers just rely on the actors’ chemistry to try and make it work, the story no longer makes sense and doesn’t flow, and everyone’s generally miserable watching it and like Son Yaz is SOOO far away from that point. Like yeah it doesn’t exactly feel the same as s1, that should be expected after a main character dies, but everything is still really good and really compelling. These characters have been through so much and their journey is still genuinely interesting and still worth watching. So while I understand that things have been kind of slow and not what we expected, I still don’t really get the complaints. I feel like once again twitter is just being hypercritical and impatient. Although a part of me feels like they’re being like that mostly because we’re on the verge of getting cancelled, bc some episodes last season were definitely slow paced and l did not see as many complaints. Ppl want things to be fixed right away and for everything to go back to normal so we can get the ratings we deserve but idk, good, logical storytelling doesn’t really work like that.

And I do really wonder about akmur, because it’s not like they don’t love each other anymore. As angry as Yağmur is, she still definitely loves him and she still has that connection and tether to him. So I just really wanna know what it’s going to take for her to forgive Akgün especially once she finds out about Halil Sadi. I also wonder what it’s going to take for Akgün to even forgive himself so that he can feel like they could be together again (whatever it does take, we’re going to need more than just a couple of rushed episodes to get there, so here’s hoping we don’t get cancelled!!). Honestly they all just need to go to therapy lmaooo

[fallenrepublick]

HELL-O HERE'S A CRAZY FOR THRAWN. Let's see, my idea of fic is this: the reader is a stormtrooper who in her spare time, she likes to sing. then one day for no reason she forgets to take off her helmet and Thrawn hears her, and crushes loudly. how about? 👁️👄👁️

Mate, you have no idea how many fantasies I’ve had of this scenario.

Okay so when I was writing it I kind of fucked up the prompt a little, because I got carried away so like... it isn’t exact, so if you want me to redo it or whatever, that’s fine just let me know

I listened to that song Journey To The Past from Anastasia while I did this, so that’s kind of what I hear when I think about this, but that’s just me

Warnings: None

He never knew why he chose to go down that hallway. It wasn’t something he had any reason to do, the soldier quarters an unassuming and quite frankly boring place to be. And yet, what he could only ever describe as an instinctual reaction had led him down the hall, the grey walls interspersed with doors and lights that somehow carried with it an even heavier dreariness than the other, practically identical, halls.

It was a strange thing, he thought to himself as his heels clicked forward in their usual steady pace, the existence of this military. Back in the days of the Republic, soldiers had little option to join the war, their very existence designed for battle. Yet once the production of the clones had been stopped, the military hadn’t failed to recruit new soldiers, if anything, they succeeded even further, everyday citizens with a vigor and loyalty to the Empire standing first in line to offer their services.

But those were the officers. The troopers, some of them with a similar sentiment, most without it, were often there by little other choice. So what, he asked himself further, is the difference? 

Nameless faces.

Faceless names.

Hell, even the leadership had stayed the same.

Even still, he was down this hall, and the identical voices in identical helmets suddenly spanned every wavelength, every tone, every accent imaginable. And he found that his mind had drifted from philosophy to imagination, the stories of these people building themselves in his mind, false as they may be, and what once was a pointless detour through a neighborhood he had no place in had turned into almost a creative exercise in possibility.

Thus, when the music began, he didn’t immediately notice. Still utterly encapsulated by the inner workings of his own mind, the thought that something else might not only interrupt his thoughts, but completely distract him from them seemed next to impossible. Something did distract him, however, and the voices he had been hearing around him stopped practically at once, the only sound that now mattered, a single voice, carrying a gentle melody down the dismal barrack hallway, lifting the area from its gloom that had before looked permanently weighted onto the atmosphere. How could he not have followed it?

The echoing of the music against cold metallic walls brought him to a door, nondescript in nature, and most certainly forgettable should muscle memory fail those that reside behind it. What it held behind it was anything but.

To passerbys, it might have looked as if he were making some god-awful attempt at sneaking about. At least to feign some form of casualty, he leaned his back against the door gently, careful not to create a bump that would alarm you, and simply listened.

The longer he stayed, the more he felt your voice pull at his chest, every emotion you would normally be forced to hide from your superiors poured into such a simple song. Yet he couldn’t possibly leave, feeling a strange force securing his feet to the floor. He could feel the heat gradually travelling to his face, just knowing that his cheeks had turned a deep purple, and no internal begging nor pleading would be able to hide such an obvious change. Pull yourself together, he told himself, it’s just music. Lying to himself did little.

But of course, songs don’t last forever, and it wasn’t long before the beautiful sound that had led him here finally ceased, and he was left in a lonely, empty silence that not even his previous thoughts would be enough to fill.

The door hissed behind him, and for a moment, he was falling backwards before catching himself.

Though it took him a moment to realize he had just been caught, the look on your face when he turned to face you was nothing short of horror. Your uniform, your armor, your everything was out of order, and oh god that is THE Grand Admiral and he’s standing right at your door, you must have done something horribly wrong. And he was flushed, meaning he must be angry about something.

“G-Grand Admiral!!” you wound up shouting in fear, giving the best salute you could muster under the circumstances, straightening up and tightening your expression. “I w-was u-unaware that you had been-”

He only barely seemed to be listening, a slight frown that wasn’t necessarily directed at you only making you more nervous.

A voiced face.

“Your name?” he asked simply, earning a gulp from you.

When you gave it, albeit reluctantly, his expression never changed. He only nodded.

A named face.

“You are aware,” he said distractedly, taking quick scans of you as your eyes widened further. “That these walls are incredible sound carriers. Metal transports sound waves at a much quicker rate than the air around us.”

You looked about ready to close the door in utter embarrassment, and understandably so. Though he continued, nonchalant as ever, tapping a studious finger at the door frame, the other hand secured tightly behind him. You assumed it was formality. It was actually to hide the uncontrollable fidgets that might have happened had both his lovestruck hands been left free.

A soldier.

“I couldn’t help but notice your voice,” he said, in spite of himself.

“My voice…”

“Yes.” His eyes flicked away, as if the admission was more nerve-wracking to him than to you. “I fear such talent is wasted in a place like this. If I were to make an offer… would you accept, or at least consider doing so?”

“An offer?” You sucked in a shaky breath, rubbing your arm in disbelief that the conversation had continued as long as it did. “What kind of offer…?”

After what felt like an hour of the tall, pretty, officer deliberating whether or not what he had started was a wise decision, he inhaled, a newly discovered confidence in his position taking full control of his actions.

A story.

“Possibly one of the most soundproof rooms on the ship is my office. If ever you were to need a place to practice…” He paused a moment to review your reaction. “I would gladly provide you full access for those purposes.”

Suddenly feeling your heart pound against your chest, you gave a slow, anxious nod, despite your shallow breathing. It was a kind enough gesture, and your acceptance pleased him, a small smile following his determination.

And even after he left, no doubt to prepare the space for you, a shadow of a gentle hand on your shoulder still lingering against your skin, your hands still trembled, though now in excitement rather than fear. After so long of being generally ignored by Imperial Officers, your first interaction with the one and only Grand Admiral Thrawn had been one of interest. Not only so, but with the newly made deal between the two of you, it was more than likely you would be seeing a lot more of him than you had ever expected. Such a thing only intensified your anticipation.

But for him, walking away ached, a string that had wound itself around his heart and attached itself to you failing to give way to the distance he was forced to forge between yourselves. Thinking about materials you needed was only a distraction from the illogical longing that had made quite the elaborate nest in him. He rushed to find a true space for you, the quicker he could complete the task, the sooner you could come with him.

A home.

[sinceileftyoublog]

Indigo De Souza Interview: Compassion for Different Modalities

Photo by Charlie Boss

BY JORDAN MAINZER

Calling from her home near Asheville, North Carolina earlier this month, singer-songwriter Indigo De Souza is getting ready to go on tour behind her terrific sophomore album Any Shape You Take (Saddle Creek). Like everyone, she’s anxious about navigating the current COVID-19 landscape, but how she and her band adapt to a live performance and play the multi-dimensional songs that make up the record seems to be of little concern. I guess if I was as talented as De Souza, I wouldn’t be worried, either. Released last month, Any Shape You Take is a stunning series of ruminations on love and relationships, platonic and romantic, that span a number of years in De Souza’s life. Raised in a conservative small town in North Carolina by a mom who was an artist, De Souza doesn’t shy away from the fact that her family did not fit in. At the encouragement of her mother, she leaned into her artistic visions, making music as early as 9 years old, releasing her first EP in 2016.

After self-releasing her (very appropriately titled) first album I Love My Mom in 2018, De Souza signed to indie stalwarts Saddle Creek, who rereleased her debut and supplied her with the means to craft a much larger-sounding follow-up. Working with prolific secret weapon co-producer Brad Cook, her first proper label release occupies an incredible amount of genre territory. “This is the way I’m going to bend,” announces De Souza on auto-tuned synth pop opener “17″ before, well, bending in a number of different directions. “Darker Than Death” and “Die/Cry”, nervous songs that were written years ago, sport fitting build-ups, the former’s slow hi hats and cymbals giving way to jolts of guitar noise, the latter’s jangly rock taking a back seat to yelped harmonies. Songs like “Pretty Pictures” and “Hold U” reenter the dance world, the latter an especially catchy neo soul and funk highlight, a simple earworm of a love song. In the end, whether playing scraped, slow-burning guitar or rubbery keyboard, De Souza’s thoughtful and honest meditations center the emotionally charged album, one of the very best of the year.

De Souza takes her live show to the Beat Kitchen tonight and tomorrow night (both sold out) with Dan Wriggins of Friendship opening. Read our interview with De Souza about the making of Any Shape You Take and her songwriting process.

Since I Left You: On Any Shape You Take, there seems to be a good mix of folks you’ve worked with before and folks you’re working with for the first time. What did each group bring to the table?

Indigo De Souza: Brad Cook was co-producing. It was my first time working with a producer on something. That was crazy. He was very supportive of everything and very encouraging. It was nice to have someone to bounce ideas off of who wanted to encourage my vision. I also worked with Alex [Farrar] and Adam [McDaniel] from drop of sun studios in Asheville. They’re both just so sweet and talented. They were engineering but also helped with production as well. I ended up getting really close with Alex, and me and Alex finished out the album together doing vocal overdubs and random overdubs. It feels like he did a lot of production on the album and was a star for me in the process. They were all great to work with. It was interesting to me to have so many people working on the album.

What I realized after the fact, [though], was that it was kind of distracting for me to have so many brains working on it. It taught me I actually feel very confidently about my vision for songs, and I can trust myself to have ideas for my own songs. I think I was scared going in that I was going to come up blank in that scenario because it was such a high-pressure thing, getting on a label and making a high-production album. But I definitely thrived in the space. It was really fun.

SILY: It shows in the finished product. There are so many different styles and subgenres within the record. Do you listen to all the types of music that show up on this record?

IDS: Yeah, for sure. Mostly, I listen to pop music and dance music. That’s probably my most daily genre. I don’t listen to a lot of music daily, though. I listen to music probably a couple times a week when I’m in the car, but it’s so random, and the genres I listen to are pretty random. It depends on my mood. I think when I’m writing, it’s the same way, whether I’m writing a poppier or rock-based song. They’re different moods for me.

SILY: How do you generally approach juxtaposing lyrics with instrumentation?

IDS: With writing, it’s different every time the way they fall into place together. I do notice that one of the more common ways it happens is I’ll be going about my day and hear a melody in my head and start humming it and realize I’m making it up, that I have no record of it before. I’ll start attaching feeling to the melody, depending on what I’m feeling, and at first I’ll be singing gibberish with the melody, but I’ll usually get some headphones on and plug into the computer so I can sing into a microphone. I’ll mess around with the melody and sing random words until something true to me kind of sticks. That’s usually how it goes. Sometimes, I [do] sit down and it comes out in one breath, like the song is already written in my mind.

Honestly, it’s so normalized how songwriting is. It’s such a strange, magical thing that people can write songs that have never been written before. [laughs]

SILY: Thematically, there are a lot of songs on Any Shape You Take where you’re feeling doubts about a relationship, like on “Darker Than Death”. Someone’s feeling bad, and you’re wondering whether it’s you making them feel bad. And on “Die, Cry”, you sing, “I’d rather die than see you cry.” On the other hand, there are some songs like “Pretty Pictures” where you know your place more within the relationship, and you know what’s eventually gonna happen to it. How do you balance those feelings of doubt with knowing what’s gonna happen?

IDS: It’s funny, because the first two songs you mention were written a very long time ago when I was in the only very long-term relationship I’ve ever been in. I was very confused in that time and was having a hard time in general with my mental health. “Pretty Pictures” is the newest song on the album, a last minute addition because another song we had on there didn’t really fit. We looked through my demos folder and chose “Pretty Pictures”, the most recent song I had written at the time, and recorded it for the album. They’re totally different times in my life, and how you said it is definitely how I was. There’s a time I was more confused, and now, love is more simple in my life, and I can process things and see how they are, have compassion for different modalities.

SILY: I love the line on “Way Out”, “There are no monsters underneath your bed, and I’ll never be the only thing you love.” It’s a very logical statement in the face of unbridled emotion that can make you think illogically. Is that contrast something you think shows up throughout the record?

IDS: Within love, over time, I’ve realized that there’s not one person for anybody. There’s a lot of fluidity in the ways people can feel towards other people. That line is definitely a nod to allowing people to love many other people and not taking it personally.

SILY: From a singing perspective, you have a lot of different vocal stylings on the record. I found it interesting you led it off with a track where you’re super auto-tuned. Can you tell me about that decision?

IDS: “17” originally was this demo I made in 2016 or 2017. It was a very old demo. In 2018 or so, I brought the demo to my band at the time, and we created a live version of that song that was nothing like the recording that you hear. The recording was so weird and had a lot of auto-tune and higher-pitched and lower-pitched vocals. We had a live version we played for a while that’s on Audiotree. Whenever we were recording Any Shape You Take, we started to record it the live way and realized it wasn’t feeling right. We listened to the old demo, and it gave this wake up kick to everyone. We got excited by how the demo sounded because we hadn’t heard it in so long. We realized we wanted to record it based on the demo. So that song sounds very similar to the way the demo originally sounded.

SILY: What’s the story behind the album title?

IDS: There are so many layers to the album title. [laughs] It came to me mostly because the album takes so many musical shapes but also so many emotional shapes. It feels like a lot of the themes in the album are about change and acceptance of change and acceptance of a full spectrum of feelings of pain and grief and allowing people to take many forms. It was mainly inspired by the fact that I’ve taken so many forms in my life and am witness to the way changing forms yourself can either push people away or pull them in closer. I’ve always been so appreciative of the people in my life who allow me to take so many different forms and are still there to witness and care about me, whether we’re close to each other or far away. That’s the main reason I wanted to call the album Any Shape You Take. The most beautiful kind of love you can have is allowing someone to be themselves and shift in and out of things freely.

SILY: Is your live show faithful to the studio versions of the songs, or did you have to learn how to adapt the songs to the stage?

IDS: A lot of them sound very similar to the recording. We’ve been having so much fun practicing them and playing them live.

SILY: Is there one in particular you’re most looking forward to playing?

IDS: I love playing “Bad Dream”. That’s just a crazy song to play live because it’s so loud and rowdy. [laughs]

SILY: You have that falsetto in the middle of it, too.

IDS: Yeah. It’s so fun.

SILY: Anything you’ve been listening to, reading, or watching lately that’s caught your attention?

IDS: I’m excited that one of my favorite authors, Tao Lin, just put out a book I haven’t been able to get fully into. It’s called Leave Society. I just got it in the mail last week. Other than that, I’ve just been so, so busy with interviews and work on the computer and with my manager, staying on top of this crazy shift happening on top of my life. I haven’t taken in a lot of media. I was just watching Love Island recently because I wanted to shut my brain down. Somebody was telling me about Sexy Beasts last night, which sounds insane. I’m excited to watch that.

[argentdandelion]

How to Redeem Bête Noire

The following article relies on the idea Betty’s SOUL color means she is always afraid. See the tag "SOUL of Fear: Always Afraid?" on the ArgentDandelion blog for more information.

The antagonist of GlitchTale's second season, Bête Noire ("Betty") is a unique being with a SOUL of Fear. As previous posts would suggest, her SOUL of Fear likely means her motivations and actions are fuelled by fear. This includes her desire to wipe out monsters, supposedly because they pose a threat to humanity. Yet, as previous posts have pointed out, Betty's belief monsters threaten humanity is deeply illogical. However, her fears about them is so deep-seated that, to remove her motivation for villainy, her very SOUL would probably have to be altered.

Both SOUL trait loss and drainage have happened multiple times in GlitchTale, showing it is possible. While these have all happened to humans, and Betty is not human, nonetheless her SOUL was created from a human one and still has human SOUL-like properties.

Approach 1: Trait Drainage

Many human characters have eye, hair, and text colors matching their SOULs. Both Jessica Grey and Frisk survive the drainage or loss of their SOUL traits, as shown either directly or by changes in hair or eye color. In Jessica’s case, she loses and regains her trait multiple times in the series, without seeming to affect her bodily health. Were Betty’s fear trait to be drained the same way, it might mean she would feel a reasonable amount of fear, and perhaps make her amenable to reason. (if perhaps only temporarily) It is unlikely she would naturally lose her fear trait, especially as the season progresses, thought it might be possible to alter her SOUL properties artificially.

If Chara’s emptied SOUL, as shown in the Season 1 episode Continue (above) can be filled with multiple SOUL traits, it is possible Betty’s SOUL can be similarly drained and filled with other traits. Yet, if completely draining her SOUL would kill her, or put her in a comatose-like state of extended dying (Sans’ SOUL was partially drained, which must have interfered with reviving him), then partial drainage could be more feasible. At a few points, Jessica Grey loses her Integrity trait, but apparently only partially: her eyes remain halfway blue. This might mean it is possible to experience only a partial trait loss.

If trait drainage is impossible, trait swapping could be better. Betty’s SOUL was created by using the Bête Noire spell on an inverted SOUL of Bravery: Agate’s SOUL. It might be possible to invert it once more. While supplementary material states that the chances of surviving an unnatural SOUL trait inversion are low, this was applied to humans: if it’s possible for Betty, there no telling whether it would be equally dangerous.

Approach 2: Bicolor SOUL

The GlitchTale character Rave Rutrow has purple-and-yellow eyes, hair, and text, showing he has two SOUL traits. This is not entirely without canon precedent: all the SOUL modes parallel the colors of the humans that fell in, possibly meaning they’re limited to real SOUL colors. In the Nintendo Switch version of Undertale, Mad Mew Mew's SOUL mode is Blue/Red, with the SOUL split down the middle, possibly meaning humans can have two SOUL traits.

While Betty is not human, the similarities between her SOUL and a human one might mean a bicolor SOUL is possible. However, Rave’s two-colored SOUL is natural, while changing Betty’s SOUL to a two-color SOUL would not be. Partial drainage of her SOUL, and then filling it with some other trait might result in a bicolor SOUL. While adding the Kindness trait might be the most intuitive solution, adding Bravery instead would surely be more likely to work, since the SOUL has already housed the Bravery trait before. (Unless that simply makes Betty bolder and less conflicted, which might make her even more dangerous.)

Applications & Complications

Betty is occasionally anxious early on in the series: she might be interested in SOUL modification, if only to test whether it would make her stronger (to better kill monsters) or prevent panic from leading to bad decisions (to better kill monsters). It's doubtful Betty would agree to SOUL alterations if she believed it would change her perspective or motivations, because, of course, her fears would seem reasonable to her. Yet, afterwards, she might be able to interact peacefully with monsters without feeling any fear, anxiety, or paranoia, and it would be harder to keep up a plan to exterminate them if she feels no fear for them.

The easiest time to do this would be before Betty kills Sans, or assuming Asriel wasn’t able to run away and explain Betty’s true nature. (It’s after this point Betty’s disguise as a sweet, more-or-less normal human girl becomes less useful.) If Asriel didn’t corroborate Gaster’s claim on the Pink SOUL of Fear, it might be just an interesting coincidence. Betty’s magical power comes from her SOUL trait; were she to lose her trait and her SOUL to turn grey, she would lose access to her magic. If Frisk knows Betty poses a threat or considers her an enemy, Betty would likely interpret any offer to drain or change her trait as a ploy to weaken her. (and perhaps then kill her) After all, Agate told her humans can’t be trusted.

What if Betty is Actually Agate?

The particulars of how to redeem Betty differ depending on whether Betty and her creator, Agate ("The Wizard of Bravery"), are separate beings, or Betty is just a different body with different abilities that Agate is using. As of “Hate”, Betty’s connections with Agate seem to intensify, and perhaps even show she and Agate count as the same person.

Still, Agate may have essentially frozen her paranoia and insecurity in place by changing her SOUL to a pink one. So, even if Betty is actually Agate, changing Agate’s SOUL color might allow her to stop being so afraid. According to supplementary material, Agate was externally brave but internally insecure. The idea she would never be stronger than her brother, Copper ("The Wizard of Determination"), due to things beyond her control, made her insecure. Later losing to her brother so humiliated her that she lost her trait, and she later returned with her SOUL inverted to a trait of Fear. (Her SOUL turned pink only in a last-ditch attempt to perpetuate her existence by creating an abomination)

For all her/Betty's counter-productive decisions, Agate is actually smart. Her humiliation, insecurity, and power-mad status just made her very mentally unstable. If her fearfulness and anxiety were not locked in place, she might be persuaded to find more constructive ways to deal with her fear and desire to protect humanity.

The author of this post, ArgentDandelion, also has a Ko-Fi and Patreon by the same names, and invites you to gaze upon them.

[fire-emblem-drabbles]

Can I have a "The truth is… I love you.” with either hubert or m!Byleth ( either or I'm not picky :) ) with a gender neutral reader? Please and thanks love you lots

Pairing: Hubert x reader

Prompt: “The truth is… I love you.”

Description: You’d like to think, back in your acedemy days, you and Hubert were close. In the five years since, fighting on opposite sides of a terrrible war, you even liked to beleive that the same, illogical feelings you kept close to you for all this time remained in him too.

Rating: sfw

Word Count: 2914

Notes: I saw this, and I thought, but what if it was angst? also featuring mentions of nb prof byleth bc *nice* (Several months later) I finished this, finally. having some rat content folks u deserve it!!

~*~

Honestly, it was scary how easily you could turn your back on the empire. The people you had grown up with, the only home you had ever known… all of it, to follow Byleth and the Church of Serios. You weren’t alone in this endeavor, all of your class had joined your fight… sans Edelgard, of course, and ever loyal to her, Hubert.

Fighting had never really been your strong suit, loathe you hated to admit it. In your academy days you would much rather dedicate yourself to healing others and tending to the animals. Professor Byleth insisted you learn to defend yourself at least, if it came to that-- though they promised to always be there to protect you. You took them at that vow, and divided your time between offensive magic and learning the sword from the best only. Five years later, you found yourself a seasoned dark flier somehow, able to clear enemies easily if need be but much preferring to heal your enemies.

It was funny, you had always thought you preferred horseback, but someone very important to you changed your mind…

“Hubert?” It wasn’t like him to get lost in his thoughts, his hardened gaze quickened coming back as he focused on you once more.

“What?” Whether he meant it or not, his voice came out as a hiss.

“Are you ready for sky watch?” You saddled the Pegasus you were to ride easily, use to how to care for them by now.

“Of… course.” He looked fine but there was hesitance in his voice; he still stood rather far from the wyvern provided for him, looking at it with both curiosity and something else you couldn’t quite place.

“Oh, do you not like wyverns?” You laughed gently, coming up to the wyvern yourself and resting a gentle hand on its nose. It huffed in content, large puffs of breath coming from its nostrils as it closed its large eyes and leaning in to nuzzle your hand in affection. “He’s so sweet though!” You couldn’t help but laugh as the large creature tried to lean into your touch more. You gave its tough scales a nice scratch.

“I fear I don’t possess the same skill with animals as you do.” He still kept his distance, wary of the wyvern and looking instead towards your pegasus.

“Oh that’s right, you’ve never really flown before, huh...” You frowned softly. “You probably don’t know how to, right?” You smiled at him and though he rolled his eyes at being caught, Hubert didn’t try to deny it.

“It’s… true. In fact I try to avoid sky watch at all costs, for personal reasons.” He frowned. You were still smiling.

“That’s fine! I’m perfectly capable of teaching you, and I know you’ll catch on really easy.” Disregarding any personal space Hubert had tried to make between you, himself, and the wyvern, you took him by the hand and lead him over the pegasus you had been taking care of for a while now. She really liked you and seemed to mostly like other people when you were around, usually... “Come here, meet Georgie here! She’s a little less intimidating than a wyvern, right?” You giggled. Hubert stood before the pegasus, frowning at Georgie as well.

“She’s… alright.” Hubert made no move. Georgie huffed at him, unfazed as well.

“Oh come on, let her sniff you at least. You’ll be riding her.” Hubert couldn’t question you as you once again invaded his personal space and lifted his hand with your own so she could smell it. Georgie did just that, bowing her nose a little and bumping into his gloved hand. She didn’t seem to mind him, probably because you were still holding his hand up, but secretly Hubert was quite pleased like this. To keep up airs, though, he dropped his hand, yours falling slowly after.

“I’ll be riding her?” he frowned.

“Well, yeah, we both will be. It’s hard to teach someone to ride otherwise.” You laughed. Hubert wasn’t sure what you expected, because he surely wasn’t getting in the air, let alone in the air with you on the same pegasus.

“That’s not happening.” He said simply.

“Hubert don’t be like this.” You frowned-- no pouted, even. He remained unfazed once more. “Really, I think it will be good for you! And I’d really appreciate it, too.”

“What good do you gain this?” He’d admit, he almost wanted you to convince him, to help him get over his damned fear of heights. But if Hubert wasn’t stubborn then he wasn’t anything.

“A chance to spend time with you, of course!” You winked-- At him. Hubert didn’t even know what to think at this point. This may as well happen.

“...Very well. If only so we can bring back results to the professor.”

“That’ the spirit!” You were quick to jump on Georgie’s back and hold out your hand to Hubert so he might join you. Reluctantly Hubert took your hand and sat behind you, finding the unfamiliar pooling of anxiety in his stomach. He was Hubert Von Vestra and he didn’t fear much anything. But of course, the one thing that got to him was heights. And the professor had to put him on sky watch with you. “Make sure you hold on tight to me, alright?” He wasn’t one to hesitate either but he found himself doing just that when prompted to wrap his arms around your waist. Obviously he knew it was so he didn’t fall when the pegasus took off but he could blame this hesitance to the anxiety already blooming in his stomach. Not other feelings that may or may have not already existed in him. “Oh don’t be shy Hubert, we both know that’s not you. And I really don’t mind.” With little more than a huff, Hubert relented, (only a little unnerved at how well you seemed to be reading him today) and comfortably wrapped his arms around your waist, holding you close to himself. It was silly, you would think with how his head rested near your shoulder and how tightly he held you, he was the one protecting you.

That thought was quite literately torn from his mind as you took off without warning, Georgie doing as directed and flying in the air. Hubert could not help but cling closer to you as he closed his eyes. You didn’t say anything, bracing yourself against his sudden crushing hug.

“Hey, it’s okay now. You’re fine.” Hubert hated how your voice had gone so soft. How the sound of it comforted him, enough to open his eyes. The world was far below him, so small before him. “Don’t look down, that’ll only make it worse.” Hubert could only heed your advice and instead turn his gaze to the sights around him; the tall spires of the Monastery and Officers Academy around him, other wyvern riders and pegasus knights taking to the skies.

“How can you do this so often? I feel as if I’m going to be sick.” Closer still he held you, with one more glace to the cold ground below.

“I trust Georgie. She wouldn’t hurt me. Won’t hurt us.” Careful to not let go of the reign, you pet her mane. She let out an appreciative neigh. “Learning to fly is one thing, though, fighting atop a flying creature is rather different that mounting fighting.”

“I can tell...” Nearby, students from another class were sparring. Here, high up in the air. Their movements seemed much more refined and poised compared to the two of you, hovering here from where you had first lifted from the ground.

“I’m sorry if it seemed I ushered you into the air.” You sighed suddenly. “I hadn’t realized your hesitance was because you were afraid of heights...” You shook your head gently and Hubert felt every movement of it. “I was just eager to share this experience with you.”

“Don’t linger on it. Despite being terrified I… it’s nice.” He sighed. “I may be scared of heights, but I always wanted to fly on a pegasus...” Hubert didn’t know why he was admitting this to you. You just made it easy, he supposed.

“I’m glad you trust me.” It was strange to hear it allowed but Hubert supposed that was the only resason any of this could happen. How that happened was beyond him but the only other person who knew this much about him was Lady Edelgard… “I hope you can learn to cope with your fear, it’s nice being up here is it not?”

“If it’s with you… I suppose it’s alright. Let’s just get on with our duty so we can get down faster.” You didn’t question him, just giggling to yourself (Hubert of course noticed, with how close the two of you were) as Georgie took off on your patrol route. For the most part, the two of you sat in comfortable silence, with you occasionally explaining certain aspects of flying with him, and Hubert’s grip on your waist never faltering. Eventually, it was time for the two of you to return down to the ground. Georgie landed gracefully, with Hubert quick to let you go and return to the ground. Of course he was ecstatic to be back on his own two feet after such a long time in the air but he didn’t let that be seen, composing himself again once more.

The two of you had gone to share your result with Professor Byleth who, just as you were, was surprised to hear that Hubert was afraid of heights. With your pleading though, Byleth allowed you to continue teaching Hubert how to fly (much to his chagrin) during patrol. The two of you had never been closer in that time, so much so that you had grown to love him despite everything. You loved him so much bu despite that when the time came… you couldn’t betray the professor and he couldn’t betray Edelgard.

Of course, in the five years following it almost felt like the dumbest decision of your life when your precious professor was nowhere to be found. It was all you could do to stay with the church of Serios and try to find them and Rhea. With their miraculous reappearance, there was hope once more. Your former classmates were once again with you, the professor was here… This war could be ended.

But in order for that to happen… Edelgard and Hubert would have to be defeated… And you knew they would keep fighting until the bitter end. You all would, and you hated it. You had healed more people in the past five years then you ever did at the academy, killed more people that you ever even feared you would, all in defiance of the Empire and Edelgard. Yet you still dared to love Hubert? As if he ever did you? And even if he did at one point-- those feelings were most certainly quashed when you decided your trust lay in Byleth over Edelgard five years ago. Since your dear professors return only victory seemed to be in your sight but direct conflict with the empire meant Hubert was sure to show up sooner or later. You knew, as you neared the Imperial Capitol, he would be leading the charge. Atop Georgie you could see him clearly, leading his own charge.

Just because you disliked conflict doesn’t mean you weren’t prepared for it-- while it was a tough battle it was one you had to win. You had to see Hubert one more time, let go of feelings that had remained unspoken for so long. You knew he likely wouldn’t care, that he would probably laugh in your face that you even bother to bring that up in such a battle. But if it was going to end-- for you or for him-- you wanted those words out in the open.

You weren’t sure how long it took you to reach where Hubert wait, controlling his army. It was hard to find the proper words, facing him like this for the first time in forever. Feelings you thought had dwindled in you only seemed to blossom further as he watched you with a frown. You could swear he softened slightly at realizing just who you were.

“Hubert…” You hardly had words, unsure if it was proper to get of your pegasus in this situation. This was war; he was the enemy commander. But all rights, the two of you should be tying to kill one another right now, not stare at one another with a look too soft to be hate, but too distant to be fond.

“_____” Your name left his mouth curtly. Time seemed to slow down for the two of you only as you dismounted, hesitantly approaching him. How you weren’t dead now, you weren’t sure.

“You’ve grown.” Hubert hated how you managed to smile at him, how your voice had that familiar softness he had tried so hard to forget. “I wish this reunion could have been on better terms but…” You sighed.

“What have you come to say?” He was curt with you, if only because he couldn’t bring himself to be rude. Not to you, who had only ever showed him kindness. You, who had somehow found yourself a special spot in a heart he was certain once he didn’t have.

“It’s… kinda silly, I admit.” You shook your head, a small laugh falling from your lips. He really was the same as always. “It’s been five years, and despite having the courage to come up here to fight you I don’t have the courage to admit how I feel.” You shook your head, clenching your fist tightly at your chest. You tried to pretend the anxiety flitting about in your stomach that was from the battle that was surely about to commence. Hubert narrowed his eyes at you.

“What are you going on about?” He ignored how his heartbeat picked up at the words you danced around.

“I don’t… blame El for what she did; that was her path to follow, and yours as well. I just… wish I could have had a little longer with you Hubert.” He frowned a little deeper but you didn’t let it discourage you. “I had to follow my path too, even if I knew it was in opposition to yours… but, it would have been nice, I think. To graduate with you and everyone else, have all that time together. To get to go to the millennial festival and reminisce our youth…” You sighed and shook your head. “Look at me, going on about meaningless things. I’ll get on with it.” Now you were smiling again, looking at him so dearly Hubert could swear you were looking at someone else. But, no, it was only the two of you here; with words so thick they took up the air between the two of you and caught in his throat, preventing him from saying anything in return. He probably would have said something foolish anyways. “The truth is, I love you. And I have these entire five years away from you, Hubert. I know there’s no happy ending for us here today; I just… I don’t know what I thought, really, I guess I wanted those words to be out there.” How you managed to smile at him, you weren’t sure. It felt like a weight was lifted off your chest though.

As always, his expression was impossible to read. What he was really feeling, you weren’t sure though by his lack of response it must have been some sort of tumultuous. You took that as your time to return to Georgie; after all, you had done what you came to him to do, so you supposed his response didn’t matter (even if you were dying to hear one, whether it be in your favor or otherwise; something was better than nothing). You were surprised to feel him catch your wrist and for a moment, you feared the worst; even if he was the man you loved, Hubert wasn’t below playing dirty to see to what must be done. But no, instead he spoke, words that hurt more than perhaps hearing him say he didn’t feel the same. “Had I not given my life to another long ago… I may have given it to you, instead.” You stiffened, his touch dropping as quickly as it came. You didn’t know how to respond to that, the weight of those words far greater than any confession he could have given you.

“...Thank you for that.” You didn’t have to heart to face him and say those words. You knew, once you mounted your pegasus again, the two of you would go back to being enemies. One of you would end up killing the other, in all likelihood. “Despite everything… I happy I got to meet you, Hubert.” You jumped upon the saddle staring down at him now. “I hope, next time we meet…. Things can be different.” He could only nod as you took to the skies, taking on his own fighting stance as you readied to attack as well.

Next time… perhaps, next time, the two of you could find a way to be happy together. Hubert couldn’t wait to find it, wherever it may be. He looked forward to the day he might be able to fly with you once again…

[thesecondcircleofkel]

SFW Alphabet, Aizawa: A-Z

Reposting all of these together for convenience and to save space. I don’t accept requests to do the entire alphabet for someone all at once. You have to stick to the guidelines of 1 character per ask, and 5 letters per ask, and once I finish the alphabet for a character with requests like that, I will repost it all together. Request are closed at the moment, though.  

A: Affection (How affectionate are they with a s/o?)

He’s decently affectionate with you. While he may not show you a lot of affection in public (out of professionalism and wanting to keep his private life private), he doesn’t shy away from it when the two of you are alone. He tends to linger with his hugs and kisses, just so he can enjoy your presence for a little bit longer, and if you two are together in public, he might sneak in a gentle touch across your hand while no one is looking just as reassurance for both of you.

B: Breath (What could their s/o do to take their breath away?)

Do something nice for his students. Try to hide it as he may sometimes, it’s obvious that cares about them, so make them some treats to cheer them up, or write them all notes telling them how great they’re doing in their training. It doesn’t have to be too big, but his heart will definitely melt when he sees you showing them some love. His heart will also undoubtedly melt if you’re good with Eri. He wouldn’t mind a kid or two with you one day (so long as you also want them), and seeing you interact with her kind of turns him into a broody hen (there’s a good image for you to sleep on).

C: Cuddle (Do they cuddle? If they do, how and when do they cuddle?)

There will be so many cuddles with Aizawa. The man loves his naps, and he loves them even more when you’re with him for them, so he’s prone to dragging you off whenever he gets sleepy so he can cuddle with you until he falls asleep. If you’re really far into the relationship, and he can find a good napping place where no one will find the two of you, then he’ll even share his sleeping bag with you.

D: Dream (What do they dream of doing with their s/o?)  

It’s not exactly a long-term dream, but he really looks forward to spending his rare days off with you. Of course, most of the day will be spent in bed as he catches up on all of the sleep that he missed while he was working, but again, he loves sleeping with you nearby him, so that’s really the perfect way to spend the day in his opinion.

E: Effort (How much effort do they put into a relationship?)

You may not always be able to see it, but he actually puts in a lot of effort. He can’t spend as much time with you as he wants because of his work schedule, so he tries to make the moments that he does have with you really special to make up for it.

F: Fear (What do they do if their s/o is scared? How do they handle it?)

You could have the most illogical fear in the world, but in this instance, he won’t point that out. If there is an immediate danger threatening you, then he will obviously go into hero mode and protect you, but even if that’s not the case, he’s still good about taking you away from whatever it is that’s scaring you. Once you’re somewhere safe and away from everyone else, he’ll hold you for as long as it takes for you to calm down, and if you want to talk to him about your fears at this point, go for it, he’s all ears.

G: Gifts (What type of gifts do they give their s/o? Do they want a gift in return?)

Gifts aren’t really his thing, the minimalist that he is, but he does want you to have at least one thing to carry around as a reminder of him. It’d be something small, of course, and probably also something that you could wear, but that’s about it when it comes to gifts with him because he really doesn’t care about receiving gifts.

H: Hugs (Do they hug their s/o? How often?)

He’s another one that won’t give you public affection so he can maintain his professionalism, but he’ll give you a hug whenever you want behind closed doors. He at least gives you a hug of his own accord once a day, probably in the evening or late at night when he finally gets home from work. He likes to feel you in his arms and have that reassurance that you’re still there with him. His hugs are fantastic, too. He holds you very firmly and for a long time. He’s the type to also bury his face in your neck while he hugs you so he can really breathe in your scent before he lets you go.

I: Intimacy (How romantic are they? Do they have problems with intimacy?)

There is a lot of intimacy in the way that he looks at you. Whenever his eyes land on you, his gaze will be filled with love and adoration, as if you are truly the light of his world, so even if he’s not the most overtly romantic person, there won’t be any question as to how he feels about you.

J: Jealous (Do they get jealous? How do they act when jealous?)

Jealousy is illogical, or at least it is in his opinion. If someone is making unwanted advances towards you, then he trusts you to send them off on your own, or that you’ll let him know if you need help sending those unwelcome suitors away. He also trusts that you’ll be upfront with him if you feel like there’s something missing from your relationship.

K: Kiss (Are they a good kisser? Do they like to kiss? How often do they try to kiss you?)

Again, there won’t be any kissing in public, but he’ll give you as many kisses as you want when the two of you are alone. He’s got his slow and sensual kisses down pat, and his favorite times to kiss you are right before he leaves for work and right when the both of you have just woken up. He lives for lazy, sleepy kisses.

L: Love (When do they say they love you? How often do they say it? Do they prefer to say or show it?)

He really only says it once every blue moon, but it will be very apparent in his actions that he loves you. From the time that he makes out of his busy schedule to spend with you, to the lingering hugs and kisses that he gives you, his love for you is very obvious, even if he doesn’t say it a lot.

M: Marriage (Do they want to get married? If so, what kind of ceremony?)

It’s not a huge priority for him, but he wouldn’t mind getting married at some point assuming that it was something that you wanted, as well. He wouldn’t be too picky about the ceremony, either, so long as it was at least somewhat private with only your close friends and family being invited. Beyond that, you can do whatever you want with the ceremony and he’ll support your decisions and try to help you with planning whenever he can (he dreads involving himself with the planning, but he’ll do it for your sake if you need help).

N: Night Out (What type of dates do they like to go on? How often do they like to go on them?)

Naptime. He prefers lowkey dates, and he’d be perfectly happy with an at-home date, where the two of you make dinner together, eat, and then chill on the couch to watch a movie. He’ll inevitably fall asleep during the latter portion, but he can’t really help it, not when he gets so comfortable and content with you curled up at his side.

O: Out of the Ordinary (What’s something they don’t normally do for/with their s/o?)

We’ve already established that he isn’t into public displays of affection for various reasons (professionalism, privacy, etc.), but that’s about it. So long as you’re not doing anything too out there or irrational, then he’s actually pretty chill about going along with whatever it is that you want to do. He may grumble about it at times, especially if you’re keeping him from a nap, but honestly, so long as he’s spending time with you, he’s fine with it.

P: Playful (Are they playful in a relationship? If so, how do they play around/mess with their s/o?)

You’ll probably find his rampant stoicism and broody nature humorous at times (that pout, though), but no, he’s not playful; playfulness is just not in his nature, although he can be quite tender with you at times.

Q: Questions (Do they ask their s/o their opinion on things? Do they share theirs?)

To him, a relationship is a partnership, and it just wouldn’t make sense for the two of you to be in a partnership with each other and not be willing to hear each other’s opinions. The two of you will definitely have very long discussions with each other before any big decisions are made.

R: Random (How spontaneous is their relationship? Do they do things on the spot or plan ahead?)

He definitely plans everything ahead of time. It’s just the more logical way of doing things, plus if he knows the exact time that the two of you will be together, then he can plan to get some rest beforehand so he can completely focus on you while you’re together. He can be convinced to do something spontaneously, but it’ll have to be something that you bring up.

S: Sleep (How do they sleep with their s/o?)

In any way that he possibly can. So long as he’s getting the rest that he desperately needs and you’re there with him, he won’t be picky about how you sleep together. You could lay at his side and use his chest as a pillow, he could do the same to you, you can both face one another and hold onto each other through the night, literally any form of spooning-whatever you decide on, he’ll be perfectly content with it. And if you don’t necessarily want to fall asleep with him, then he’s also fine with using your lap as a pillow.

T: Trust (How much do they trust their s/o?)  

To be frank, he wouldn’t be with you if he didn’t trust with his life. He takes relationships far too seriously for that not to be the case, and the fact that he lets himself be so physically and emotionally vulnerable around you only further proves the trust that he has in you.

U: Unique (What makes them unique as a s/o?)  

How deeply he cares about you. He may not be the most open person about it, but his feelings for you run deep, and he’d legitimately lay his life on the line for you. He puts so much focus into your happiness and to making sure that you have everything that you need that it’s doubtful that you’ll ever want for much of anything.

V: Vulnerable (How long until they can be vulnerable around their s/o? What are they like in this state?)

It won’t happen until he knows for sure that he wants to dedicate himself to you and you’ve earned his trust, but even when it does happen, you’ll be hard-pressed to notice it. He typically just gets even quieter than he normally is, and he’ll be a bit clingier, too, but beyond that, he won’t do anything to indicate that he’s in any sort of distress. He’s able to work through most things on his own and he doesn’t really have a need to talk about them, so he’d rather just get some comfort from your presence and leave things at that.

W: Wild Card (Random domestic headcanon)

You will be able to write a book about each and every single one of his students. He tells you a lot about them on a near daily basis, and it’s heartwarming to see the small glint of pride that flickers through his eyes when he tells you about his students doing particularly well at something.

X: X-Ray (What would they do if their s/o got injured?)

He will immediately remove you from harm’s way and take you somewhere safe where you can receive medical care. Even if it wasn’t remotely his fault in any way, he’d still feel guilty that you got hurt, and he will do everything that he can to support you while you recover. He also won’t want you to be left alone while you’re recovering, and if he can’t stay with you himself, then he’ll have someone that he knows and trusts stay with you in his stead.

Y: Yuck (Do they have any pet peeves about their s/o? Are there any habits that might bother their s/o?)

There aren’t many things that you could do that would get on his nerves. He’s just far too laidback and patient with you for that, but he probably wouldn’t appreciate it if you made it a habit to needlessly wake him up from his naps. It’s one thing if you wake him up for a reason, even if it’s a somewhat trivial reason, but if you wake him up from his much needed rest for absolutely nothing, then he’s not exactly going to be happy. He also seems to be a bit of a minimalist in terms of possessions and whatnot, so he probably wouldn’t like it if you had a bunch of useless junk laying around. As for his habits, he doesn’t exactly try to hide them; what you see is what you get when it comes to Aizawa, so if the constant naps and scruffy appearance bother you, then you probably shouldn’t have pursued him in the first place.

Z: Zeal (Are they passionate as a s/o? Do they want or like passion?)

Aizawa may not start jumping for joy every time that he sees you, but rest assured, he’s very passionate about and dedicated to you. You mean the world to him, and he’d do anything to make you happy. You bring him so much joy in life, and he’s ready to dedicate the rest of his life to trying to show you how grateful he is for that. You don’t have to be showy about it, but he would like a similar amount of dedication from you.

[foxyotomelady]

Another love, Chapter VIII (JuminxReader)

Author’s notes:

There’ll be here some dialogues from Jumin's route, so this chapter is slightly spoiler-ish.

Their relationship will be growing slowly into something healthier, but for now... Not really ^^'

Be aware of: strong language, angst.

Chapter I | Chapter II | Chapter III | Chapter IV | Chapter V | Chapter VI | Chapter VII | Chapter VIII (You are here) | Chapter IX | Chapter X | Chapter XI | Chapter XII | Chapter XIII | Chapter XIV |

Buy Me A Ko-Fi Have a nice reading!

"Do you like the wine? I know today's dinner wasn't planned early enough." Jumin was staring at his father blankly, almost not hearing him. Before him, at the table, next to his father, was sitting a woman. He was sure, he saw her earlier but he wasn't sure where.

"It's a bit bitter today. It was quite sudden. And it ruined my rather pleasant morning."

"Pleasant morning? I apologize, but I have something very important to tell you."

"Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule, Jumin," The woman said, her voice annoying, too squealing, almost like a squirrel.

"Excuse me, but who are you?"

"Oh sorry, where are my manners?" His father glanced at the woman next to him and smiled in the way, that annoyed Jumin even more. "This is Glam Choi. I haven't told you yet, but Glam here and I are seriously considering getting married. I wanted to hear your opinion and have you two meet."

The threads. Suddenly they squeezed his lungs and head harder.

"Glad to meet you, Jumin. I look forward to getting to know you," Glam said and grabbed his father's hand.

"The same here. I see." Jumin stated, stoically, thought his head was spinning already.

"I want to end up my relationship with your mother and hope you're okay with that."

"She's not even my biological mother. And I doubt your third marriage will be any more special. Just do as you please. I don't mind as long as it doesn't affect the company."

"There is one more thing," His father said, and with a corner of his eye, Jumin saw the woman smiling oddly. "I was thinking about what it would be like for you to consider getting engaged to one of Glam's students. If you marry Sarah, her student, we'll be able to buy her business "Sugar Round" at a much lower price."

The threads tightened once more. Jumin clenched his hand into a fist under the table. But his face remained calm.

"I've never heard of that company."

"It's a new company so of course, it's still small. But we can expand it if we take over," His father explained.

"Sarah, my student, is still young, but she's very capable, smart, and pretty. I'm sure you'd like her~!" Glam added in her squealing voice.

"I apologize, but I must refuse," Both his father and Glam glanced at him in a big surprise. "Father, there was no time to tell you this, but I'm already in a relationship."

The woman gasped, his father's face had an expression of a great shock, "My son, what are you talking about?"

"I have someone very special to me, so I can't marry Sarah. Besides, this marriage seems to be arranged by Glam here."

"How long does this relationship with this special person last? Why do I not even know her name?" His father seemed to lose his patience.

"We started this relationship quite recently, and since you are doing what you like with women, I decided that I did not have to explain my decisions to you."

"Quite recently? So it's nothing serious yet, " His father assessed, as if with relief. "Look, son, I'll give you time to think about it, I believe you'll make the right decision, but I'd like to suggest that a marriage with Sarah may be more beneficial to us than a relationship with some random girl."

Jumin felt something twitched on his face. His eyes narrowed, "She's not a random girl. Father, several times you've become blind to the physical beauty of a woman and made business mistakes. But this is the worst one. Please excuse me."

Ignoring his father's protests, he got up from the table and hurried to leave. He clenched his hands into fists to stop them from shaking. Surely, this was by far the biggest mistake of his father.

Your POV

You had a strange feeling that something was wrong. You had a strange need to call Jumin, but he should be at dinner with his father now, so you did not want to disturb him. It was evening, and in his large apartment, it was quiet and empty. You missed his presence and you wished that at least Elizabeth was next to you.

You took the phone in your hand and looked at the messenger. Zen was logged in.

[Y/N has entered the chat room]

Zen: Baby~ Glad you're here ^^

You: Hello, Zen. You're at home?

Zen: Yes. Just got back from my rehearsals

Zen: I'm so tired

Zen: 

[Jumin Han has entered the chat room]

You: Jumin?

You: Are you not at dinner with your father?

Jumin Han: I was.

Jumin Han: I don't like seeing you here talking with Zen

Jumin Han: and him calling you baby

Zen: 

Zen: calm your jealousy dude ;;;

Jumin Han: but there's more important matter right now

Jumin Han: my father finally lost his mind because of a woman

Zen: lol, look who's talking

You: Zen! Stop it -_-

You: What is happening?

Zen: yeah, care to explain what's going on?

Jumin Han: my father plans to divorce my mother to marry Glam Choi

Zen: 

Zen: Glam Choi?! This actress?

Jumin Han: it's not enough for him that the rumors about his relationship with women are bad for our business

Jumin Han: he wants to get me to marry a Glam's student 

Jumin Han: And thus buy her no-name company

Jumin Han: it's illogical and irrational

Zen: WHAT

Zen: dude wait

Zen: ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Jumin Han: I see no reason why I should be joking about something like that

You: God... I'm so sorry...

Jumin Han: I never thought he would want to sell his own son

Jumin Han: You do not have to be sorry, Y/N

Jumin Han: This is I who must apologize

Jumin Han: That you're seeing all of this

Zen: But I thought you two ...

Jumin Han: That's true

Jumin Han: I'm glad you understand that, Zen

Jumin Han: And I wish you would remember that

Jumin Han: I'm not going to marry Sarah

Jumin Han: But I feel that my father will not give up so easily

Jumin Han: I will leave now

Jumin Han: I need to calm down before I get home

Jumin Han: To you, Y/N

Jumin Han: God, I'm glad you're waiting for me there

[Jumin Han has left the chat room]

You: ....

Zen: .... ;;;

Zen: Are you okay?

You: I'm not sure

You: But you should not worry about me now

You: Jumin...

You: He had to endure so much so far...

You: And now this...

Zen: yeah...

Zen: I might not like how he's obsessed with you

Zen: But I kind of understand he has his reasons to be unstable

Zen: But still,

Zen: I'm worried for u

Zen: Please, be careful and call me if anything happens 

You: I'll be okay

Zen: God, you're an angel

Zen: he doesn't deserve you

You: He needs me

You: And I'm not going to leave him now

You: In this situation

You: I'm sorry, Zen

You: I take my leave

You: I need to organize my thoughts

[Y/N has left the chat room]

You waited for Jumin, unable to find a place for yourself and calm down. You were worried about him. He had enough trouble dealing with emotions towards you and relative to memories of V. Besides, you knew that Jumin values ​​his father very much. And now it turned out that he was just another person who failed his trust...

How could you leave him now? You knew that what is happening between you is not healthy. And you wanted it to turn into something healthy. But if you left now... Jumin would lose his mind.

When you heard the door suddenly opens, you immediately ran to them. Jumin stood there, stiff and tense. But as soon as he saw you, his face softened so that your heart almost broke. "My love ..." You ran to him and embraced him in the waist. He returned the embrace and took a deep breath, "You are now my only constant point, please, do not leave me ..." "I would never do that..." Jumin slumped slowly to his knees and nestled his head in your belly. You stroked his hair tenderly. "I know it may sound selfish, but I would like to forget... Do not think, if only for a moment... Will you do me this honor and make me forget?" "I'd love to..." You took his head in your hands, lifted it up and he looked at you with the saddest expression you ever saw on his face. "Zen is right... I don't deserve you..." "That's absurd. Come..." He stood up as you said this. You grabbed his hand and lead him to the bedroom, "I'll make you forget."

This night, unlike the previous one, was very delicate. You were making love for a long time and slowly, whispering sweet words to each other. In the morning, when you lay in each other arms, and Jumin stroked your hair and make gentle kisses on your skin now and then, you decided to talk to him about Elizabeth. "Jumin... Are you sure you should not take Elizabeth back?" "Please, give me time to think about it. Yoosung looks after her well, I bet he is a better owner than me. " "She must miss you and cats also get used to the place." Jumin sighed, closed his eyes and pressed his face to the side of your head, "Please, just let me focus on you for a while..." "Well... I will write to him to take care of her for some time, but promise me that you will take my word into account." You felt that Jumin was nodding. His warm breath brushed your ear. When he lay with you, he was calm, relaxed as never before.

[Y/N has entered the chat room]

You: Yoosung. I talked with Jumin about Elizabeth the 3rd. Please, take care of her for a bit longer.

You: He needs some time to organize his thoughts. But I'm sure finally he'll take her back.

[707 has entered the chat room]

707: GOD SEVEN

707: Is about to

707: deliver to you

707: Some shocking news!

You: SIGH

You: What is it, Seven?

707: 

707: Love drama!

707: A love triangle!

You: .... what?

707: It's so exciting!

You: get to the point, Seven

You: We have enough problems already Seven put a link to the article. You felt shivers, you felt cold. You already suspected what you would see. However, you hoped that you were wrong. Well-known CEO Jumin Han wants to put his hands on Hyun Ryu's girlfriend?! Or maybe she belonged to him from the start? WHO IS THIS GIRL? There were also photos of your three. Jumin holding you by the hand, with obvious anger on his face and Zen facing you two, with a shocked look.

"Did something happen, my dear? You're pale. " You gave your phone to Jumin, not knowing what to say. Why? Why now?! It could not end well...

[sarahboseman]

WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT (PART 4)

CHADWICK BOSEMAN X READER

PART 1 - PART 2 - PART 3

WORD COUNT: 3300 but many conversations, very fast to read!

WARNING : SMUT - Cursing

TAGLIST:

@greenswishbish @wakandanmoonchild @tchallaswife @sisterwifeudaku@captiansaveasmut @heyauntieeee @royallyprincesslilly @wakandanblogger@wakandawinning @wakandankings @kumkaniudaku @airis-paris14 @ashanti-notthesinger @zforzathura @90sinspiredgirl @imgabbyrae@brownsugarcocoabutterwildflowers @skysynclair19 @ljstraightnochaser@zxddy-panther @stressedgyal @bubbleboss17 @ovohanna24 @starsshines-blog @leahnicole1219 @texasbama

At the beginning of the chapter, the Reader is at the present time, then she makes a leap of time remembering what happens a few days after the casual meeting with Chadwick and after their conversation at her house … after that message.

I HOPE THE TAGS WORK!!! LET ME KNOW PLEASE! Reblog if you like it ❤❤❤

NOWADAYS

“Can you stop looking at that phone and have fun?“ Aisha tells you trying to get your iPhone out of your hands. “I’m not doing anything wrong!! just checking my e-mails”

“Yes, your damn e-mails … it’s called WEEKEND for a reason Y/N, enough work! it’s Friday night come on!!! it’s me, you, two beers and lots of nice guys having fun. I wanna have fun and you too need it, you must forget and distract yourself!”

Rebounding is not really your lifestyle, you’ve tried several times but it never worked. Your last “love story”, if you can call it that, wasn’t that great. He was a very nice guy, but there was no feeling. You dated a couple of times, but that kiss was just disgusting, too wet, too much tongue, too much of everything.

"I pass thanks, I’d rather be alone than go out with someone like Jordan again”

“Come on, he wasn’t so bad! He was nice, very good looking. Did he sink the pink?” Aisha asks you, bursting out laughing

“AISHA !!! Nope!!! He kissed me once, while he was taking me home and afterwards … I deleted his number”

“Damn … was he so bad??”

“very bad … trust me”

You sip a bit of your cold beer trying to quench your thirst and shake off the heat and, above all, trying to erase the memory of that kiss. The place is really nice, almost in the center of London and outdoors, there’s a bit of background music, soft lights, a very nice atmosphere. It’s crazy hot outside, but for a quiet Friday night it’s a great choice. Full of boys and girls having fun, chatting, just like you and your friend. You really didn’t want to stay home alone, lately you struggle.

Too many thoughts on your mind, you need to stay busy, even if it’s not easy not thinking. By now you’ve resigned yourself, the constant thought of him will haunt you for life. Like a sentence.

Now It’s as if the situation reversed. Now, he is the one who disappeared without saying a word, leaving you with a bad taste in your mouth, without knowing where and how to contact him, write to him, ask him what happened, if you’ve done something wrong, if he changed his mind, if his words were just empty words. It’s as if he wanted you to experience the feelings he felt that day YOU disappeared from his life. It sounded like a kind of revenge and it hurt you.

Since that night in February of 5 months ago, you haven’t seen and heard him. Well, it’s not really correct, you’ve heard him for a few days, then nothing……….. ………………………..

Five days after that message he sent you, after leaving your house, you wrote him, pondering a lot about your decision. At first it was a harmless message, you complimented for Black Panther that you were finally able to see at the cinema … then the conversation continued taking a turn that had nothing harmless.

You opened Whatsapp, clicked on “new message” and in the list you looked for his number already saved.

- “The wait was really worth it. One of the most beautiful movies, and you’re always outstanding Boseman"

His answer doesn’t wait long, despite the time zone.

-“Thanks Y/ really glad u like it … but what a surprise … I wasn’t expecting to hear from you anymore. I had lost hope and didn’t dare to write u.”

-“That was the intention, but I couldn’t not compliment you"

-“Disappear another time then?“

-“And what should I do?”

-“Idk"

-“precisely"

Message displayed and not responded until the next day.

-“Forgive me, but last night I fell asleep while you were writing. Don’t be mad at me Y/N “ -“And btw, you’re very beautiful in the profile picture”

Naturally you wait a long time in answering, even if his compliment leaves you flattered …

-“I’m not mad Chadwick … Last week we screamed against each other all our resentment, hoping it would help us, I don’t know how much helped me. That message left me very perplexed. You told me some very important things, and what should I do now? What are you asking me again?”

-“I’m not asking you anything, I needed to tell you how I felt and what I felt for a long time and that despite everything I still feel, I don’t see any harm in it. I’m tired of keeping it all inside. Whatever it is.“

-“Okay and you’re right saying what you think, but according to you, was it a nice move telling me you’re engaged and when you’re with your girlfriend doing your things you think about me?”

-“My relationship is not so healthy … I would like something more"

-“These are not my business"

Silence for hours

-“You’re right"

-“I know I’m right"

-“Can I call you?“

-“It’s not the right moment …”

-“What are you doing?“

-“A hot bath, I’m trying to relax after a very stressful working day, what are u doing?”

Silence for a few minutes, but you involuntarily know that you’ve caught his attention.

-“I’m in NY, arrived at the hotel a half hour ago, a stressful journey. I rest before the show tonight, I have a live interview“ He writes to you while he takes off his shirt and jeans starting to bother him for the trip. He moves his bag to the foot of the immaculate bed, then throws himself on it and spread out.

-“You’re a busy and successful man now”

-“I’m always Chadwick. But let’s not think about me, you said you’re taking a hot bath?“He writes with a grin on his face.

-“Yes … I’d be trying to do it”

-“Are you naked in the bathtub talking to me then?“

-“I am”

-“Y/N …“

-“What??”

You know perfectly well you DON’T have to do it, you know perfectly well that it’s NOT correct and the right thing to do is to TURN OFF your phone at that moment!

But you don’t. The thought of knowing that somehow you still have some effect on him makes you feel mischievously good. And anyway your ability to complicate your life exceeds all limits.

-“Damn Y/N” You hear him breathing hard, like a resignation.

-“What’s Chadwick? … you never do a bath? It doesn’t sound like an exciting thing “

-“Well … picturing yourself naked, inside the bathtub, beautiful as the sun … yes it is”

-“Be good … “

-“Can I keep you company on the phone?”

It’s time to BREAK OFF the conversation and say goodbye, you have to put it DOWN. What the hell are you doing ???

-“Of course you can keep me company"

-“You’re alone?“

-“Mmm mmm … u?”

-“Thank God yes. Alone for a few days"

-“Chadwick …“

-“I told you I’m not good and it’s not a healthy relationship”

-“So why not disengaged yet??“

-“Habit, I think”

-“Habit isn’t good for love relationships"

-“I know well. It’s all a mess, I have to stop for a moment and understand what to do”

-“it sounds a little like cowardice to me”

-“Maybe I am. It’s not easy”

-“are u tired?“

-“A lot, too much has happened too quickly, I’d like to take a break from everyone and everything, I should leave and turn off the phone”

-“just do it"

-“How despotic"

-“You have to take care of yourself first of all"

-“And who takes care of you?“

Here we go…

-“Not talking about me Chad”

-“But I’m curious"

-“I don’ think you’re in the right position to be"

-“Anyone reach you later or u sleep alone?“

-“Chadwick …”

-“At the party for your promotion you didn’t seem to be in company"

-“I was not”

-“So anyone comes for the night?“

Silence, you don’t answer

-“Y/N? You there? I see you’re online”

-“I sleep alone, nobody comes"

You don’t know why, but it’s like he’s smiling, and looking at the screen of his cell phone with that unmistakable smirk.

Until a few days ago you didn’t even know where he was, what he thought, what he did. You had no contact, maybe you didn’t even want a contact. You’re so torn up with yourself that you don’t know how to behave.

Yet you’re an adult person, impulsive but at the same time very conscientious, you always thinks a lot and evaluate every aspect of things and then throwing yourself headlong. You’re used to making lists of pros and cons before doing anything and taking any decision, even if your instinct has the upper hand (more often than not) …. and your instinct was always right.

But now it seems everything overlaps in logical and illogical reasoning, all seems to be a big contradiction. You think about a thing, and you do exactly the contrary. Your instinct maybe???

Or maybe you too need a trip alone, without your phone. Already you’re imagining yourself lying in the sun in front of the ocean, without worries and thoughts.

He writes you and you answer him as if he were always with you. But years have passed, too many years.

You’re torn, a multitude of sensations invade your mind and your heart, you’re angry, a little disappointed, very jealous of his girlfriend (?????) in love perhaps, surely still attracted, curious, eager …

Your psychologist (speaking about Chadwick who is the topic of your sessions more often than not) has always told you to clarify this story, as soon as possible, and then close it definitively, for your own good, to go ahead and look for a man who loves you and stand by your side.

According to his advice you had to delete his number days ago, breathe and move on. But you know perfectly what your expectations are and you’re now aware that all the money spent on your sessions has been lost.

You’re stubborn, you’ve always been, you’re impulsive despite your weighting, but your instinct have never been wrong.

Water is almost cold, you empty the tank a little and reopen the tap to let boiling water down. You’re not going to get up from there until you feel your legs become jelly. You need to relax. And you have in mind a way to relax as you would, to relieve tension, to let the adrenaline flow, to feel so exhausted as to fall asleep and sleep satisfied for hours … but you lack the raw material, a man. A man worth it, outside and inside the bed.

You could do it alone, but you know it’s not the same thing.

At that impudent thought, your phone begins to ring. You’re tempted not to answer, but you want to hear his voice.

“Hello?”

“Tell me you’re still in the tub”

Shit

“I heard you swallow and gasp at my question, Y/N … are you still in the tub?”

“Yes … I’m still in the tub”

“I don’t think I need to tell you what I’m thinking about and what this moment reminds me…”

No indeed, you don’t need it, you’re thinking about the same thing …

You were both thinking about that night, when after your last semester exam you found yourself together in your bathroom, half drunk, having a bath together.

It was inevitable, at the party someone covered you with beer, and you don’t know what else, overturning a huge glass on you, you smelled of alcohol from head to toe. Chadwick had only offered to help you undress and get you into the tub without you slipping and hurting yourself.

But then you pulled him in with all his clothes on. You kissed and his hands touched you everywhere under the surface of the water.

Somehow you tried to undress him, because the desire to have him inside you was so great. You took his shirt off while he pulled down his shorts and boxers and somehow you found yourself leaning with your back on his chest. Your legs wide open out of the tub and the fingers of one of his hands on your clit, massaging in a circle with constant pressure, while two fingers of the other hand came in and out of you rhythmically, frantically, quickly. The small bathroom amplified the sound of your voice as you called his name over and over as the refrain of a song.

“…I … I think I have the same memory in mind. Chad … ”

You close your eyes and the heat spreads throughout your body at the thought of that moment, and instinctively you start to caress and touch yourself.

“Put me on speaker … I know you need both hands free”

Without thinking twice you do as he asks, placing the phone on a towel on the edge of the tub, near your head, being careful not to drop it. Loud volume.

“Y/N … tell me what you’re doing now”

God bless your new cell phone!! It was like having him right next to you.

“I can’t …” you answer almost moaning

“Yes you can … come on.”

"I’m touching myself”

“Imagining it’s me?”

“Yes …”

“Fuck …”

“I know it’s wrong what we’re doing, but … talk to me please”

“Y/N … You’ve no idea how much I’d like to be there and be able to touch you. Feeling your skin rubbing against mine, feeling your movements against my body while my hands are moving around your soft curves …”

"Yes …”

“Imagine my mouth on your ear, imagine feeling my breath. My lips kissing your neck and me sucking that point that I only know … sliding my tongue on your skin. It’s just me that I know it, right?”

“Just you Chad…just you”

You’re a moaning mess, and you’re not ashamed he hears you.

"Imagine my hands on your breasts, feel my fingers on your nipples clutching and stroking in a circle, can you feel me Y/N? Do you feel my hands and my mouth?”

“Yes, I feel you Chad … keep talking”

And in the meantime you feel that he’s touching himself, you feel his breath being short and breathless, you hear the sound of his hand that, skin against skin, slides up and down.

“I’d like to have you here Y/N, I always want you here, fuck! …”

“Baby, now slide a hand between your legs and with two fingers begin to stroke up and down, when you reach down, press, more and more, a little at a time, until you feel wet”

“I’m … I’m …. already wet”

You hear him smile and moan.

You remember very well his expression lost in pleasure. You liked watching him while you were on top of him. You never took your eyes off him. You looked at him at your every move, when he opened his lips, he closed his eyes …

“Well, now put a finger in while your thumb keeps to stroke you … you feel me, do you like it?”

“I like it, but my finger isn’t enough … it doesn’t do you justice”

“I know … I know … Y/N fuck, I wish you were here to take care of me now. Are you still touching yourself?”

“Yes … I’m almost there”

“Good … I want to hear when you cum”

“I’m coming … ”

You slide off your finger to focus on your most sensitive point. Your fingers continue the massage by increasing the rhythm and pressure. With one hand you widen your lips and with the other continue to massage yourself, imagining that it’s Chad giving you pleasure.

In the meantime you hear him gasp and grumble incomprehensible and stifled words, you hear him calls you as he always did when he repeatedly fucked you leaving you almost senseless.

You feel your stomach, your belly and your legs muscles contracting and your toes curl up.

"I want to hear you call my name”

You don’t even need him to ask you, while you’re coming you start calling his name and his middle name too. You throw your head back enjoying the moment and the longest and most intense orgasm of the last few years.

“Good girl …”

After a few minutes of recovering, with your head still resting on the edge of the tub, you smile and remember that Chadwick is still on the phone.

You remove the speakerphone and put the phone back on your ear

“Hey …”

“Hey, welcome back, you’re all right?” He says sweetly

”Mmm mmm …“

“Fuck, I miss you”

You sigh, closing your eyes, you miss him too, to die for.

"I’m a fucking mess I know. I know that my behavior is wrong, I know I look like a coward, I know I should have disappeared as soon as you left your apartment. I know I shouldn’t have sent you that message. But you … you … you’re so fucking you. It’s always been you. If only I hadn’t seen you the other night, maybe it was better for both of us”

“Already retracting everything?” you say in a muffled tone, stifling a hysterical laugh.

"No, NO! Please don’t get me wrong. I have such a confusion in my mind, I’d like to tell you so many things, make sensible reasoning, but in the end I mix every things … I look like an idiot, I say the opposite of what I’d like to tell you “

You sigh, trying in some way to collect your thoughts and be as understanding as possible, trying to put yourself in his shoes too.

"I got it Chad, no worries. I think we’re both confused and we have to think carefully about what happened to us. About the words we exchanged, and think about the causes and the effects. Both of us had a wrong ideas later found to be wrong. We had a wrong idea of each other. We acted like two kids, maybe we were actually .… You haven’t stopped thinking for a moment, and me neither. So I don’t know … I don’t know what to do”

“I don’t want to lose you again Y/N“

"me neither … bu Chad … you’re engaged”

“It’s a situation to be solved”

“But for the moment you are. And you have to consider what to do. If it’s a relationship that lasts a long time you have to consider whether it’s worth giving up everything or trying to recover the recoverable.”

"But whose side are you on??”

“No one’s side. Believe me, it’s not easy to tell you what I’m telling you. It’s against all my interests, but it’s the most correct and most adult reasoning that I can tell you now “

"I know …”

“Well, here it’s quite late and you have to rest, we’ll talk soon if you want"

“Sure I want … can I ask u something?”

“Shoot”

“Even if we’re far away … Did you like it? Do you still love hearing my voice?”

You smile at his question … “I craved hearing your voice Chad, you know I love it. And yes, I liked it, a lot …Good evening Chad …”

“Good night Y/N”

It’s been a couple of days since that intimate and erotic phone call and you didn’t write to him yet. As usual you told everything to Aisha who cheers for you and makes you think about him and look for a solution to try to stay together. In short, with her fantasies she’s already booked the location for your wedding and chose her dress.

“Since you two have clarified your feelings … let’s say more or less … and you’ve vented, you seem to feel better, you SMILE more and when you name him now, you don’t have that dark gaze, but your eyes almost shine. Almost … without exaggerating ”

It was true, you felt a little better, you were hurt, a lot, but that weight seemed to ease.

That same evening, while you were cooking, you thought of him, you missed him, you missed him so much, that lack was like a stomach grip.

- “I miss you” you texted him

You didn’t think twice about sending him that message. Impulsive, too impulsive.

He too hadn’t made himself heard in the next three days, but you didn’t worry a lot. You were very busy and you thought he was too … trips, interviews, work, commitments and more. He didn’t answer immediately.

You finished eating, and while you were looking for something on TV,  you checked your phone opening your Whatsapp conversation list.

Chadwick had read the message but his profile picture was gone.

He had blocked you…

TO BE CONTINUED ….

I HOPE THE TAGS WORK!!! LET ME KNOW PLEASE! Reblog if you like it ❤❤❤

[somedaypast-thesunset]

I feel like I could have practiced more patience today but at the same time I felt triggered. He keeps talking about the idea I came up with and saying its his. He asked what I thought about him possibly buying land like soon and we could put trailers on it in the mean time. He asked me to look up the best trees so he knew what to look for.

But like this is so haphazard poorly planned like 90% of his projects. If youtruly want to develop forested land for hospitality purposes, shit needs to be serious. You don't just throw cash on land and think yep good start. Like its an entire process and I am up for it but he's not because he won't commit. To anything. Even if I believed in this idea and wanted to-do it because I wanted it I couldn't because I'm wrapped up in his nonsense.

Still, I did what he asked to show my support and on going commitment and to give back to his thought of moving forward.

But he mentioned it again that he told yet another person and it's like the more u tell the less it's going to happen. You aren't even committed to the idea and ur telling ppl about it.

I jokingly mentioned finding a new prospective husband and he repeatedthe same ' you'll never find someone like me' and I just told him were here right now because of my love and dedication and hopefully he realizes in time that I make a great wife.

I jokingly called him a fuckboy which triggered his own shit and he said it was essentially my fault the dead girls mom called him a fuck boy.

Which is terrible to say to someone and really tarnished the single time he publically displayed any sort of affection towards me. So I immediately shut it down and I no longer care because I'm at the end of my investment period. I told him that the only fuckboy in the situation was this dead girl and from what I knew her family thought he was the ticket to her not being white trash but she was too trash to stick with him and just used him when she needed something. He has been too stupid to see this forever and there is no way I will entertain the idea that it's remotely anything to do with me when this is an ongoing problem with two sick individuals who would rather ruin each others lives than live happily with each other out of pure selfishness.

To me I've heard nothing but the most disgusting low life stories about her and out of respect I don't talk shit about her. I don't know her. But like its hard not to believe EVERYONE but one person telling u this person was unliked for several reasons. And I absolutely see the story told by a dozen ppl more than I see the story told by him. I believe he is infatuated with the idea of what they had that he created in his brain. What they had was not an open relationship - if I die and this guy doesn't show up may he rot in hell because I talk to him everyday. I supported him. She gave no fucks at all. At all. She continued to live her junkie ass life, angry that he wouldn't for money she owed him because their connection was more important than money but not important enough to visit the guy when he cuts off his finger.

But I'm putting up with this long term because I've had unrequited love I thought was real and defaulted to me. I thought they cared and loved me and would do anything for me and I was apart oftheir lives but instead they stole from me over and over again, they turned people against me and made me out to be someone I was not at all, tried to destroy my relationships, manipulated me into making decisions for the good of them and not myself, actively talked shit about me to other people and I just wanted them to love me. I just wanted a normal life but all I could do was live in this fucked up way for them, because of them.

And then she died. And I still wanted that normal life I never got. I wanted her to apologize and give me what I never got. Maybe I had to be a better person too. And I had to deal withthese little things about this honestly pretty shitty person for months and years later because this person was so toxic to my life. But I still wanted to love them. I couldn't in my soul but I wanted to and I had to come to a point like immediately when she died there was relief even though I was never getting anything I wanted it was like at least there's nothing to fight for. I don't have to keep looking for love here. It's time to put it at rest. And then eventually I forgave her even though I hated her alot. I speak more kindly about her now than 8 years ago because I've learned who she was, why she was and I understand that I wanted to be loved and that I loved a very complicated human being. They maybe weren't capable of loving me. But I forgive them because it wasn't their fault but if they were alive, I wouldn't continue to be around them. I know now that what they did was wrong. I deserved better. But the thing is no one will ever fill their shoes. They will always be that person and no one will ever replace them so no matter how I feel, I still have to know that this is that person to me in my life. And it took awhile to figure out how not to be defined by my mother. It's harder when it's a parent. I didn't want to carry her abuse but I didn't want to forget it either. She severely impacted my life that she built the character I was before being broken by the trauma later on. Not because I wanted to be her but I developed survival and communication skills based on dealing with her. Thanks to her I am mature, level headed, grounded, humble, logical, well tempered and I became stubborn and hard headed from fighting with her all the time. I was a fighter. Without fighting her and enduring the life I had I wouldn't have these qualities. I feel it's the same for him - through positive and negative reinforcement and manipulation, he developed this character and qualities which could be useful and good but in the aftermath of being essentially emotionally abused for many years, they're most defensive and aim to please someone who never even deserved it.

I know that he doesn't actually want an open relationship but he's been conditioned into it. I know this. And it could be 5 years before he knows it and I might not be here but dammit I'll be right where ever I am. He loves being loved and adored and has a sexual fetish for swinging. In no way does he want or live or promote an open relationship by any means and will become insecure and bratty if you make moves towards it. The other day he told me he would get a fleshligt like that's degrading to me when a year ago he was going to fuck all these women. He's making an active attempt to solidify his commitment sexually to me and I'm sure that's just as hard as any other but the easiest route to practice on - he can easily break the vow tomorrow; it's not easy to move out. And I appreciate it and that's why I wrote the letter to him and I wish I was inspired by some deep love to write more right now but I'm not because I'm frustrated and rightly so.

I didn't push the issue further with him because I need him to sit and think on these things and for the past week or so whenever I have stood my ground and expected no reply, I have gotten a moderate change. I want him to begin to think of what his conciously is telling him as real. Like he has no confidence in himself so I don't believe he thinks thatthese lingering thoughtsand feelings about her not actually loving him are like self esteem issues but they are and aren't. It's a reflection on a lack of confidence in believing he deserved better treatment; he doesn't believe he deserved better so he must be at fault and these thoughts are just paranoia.

And I don't need him to believe she didn't love him for my sake. I wish she loved him because not loving him in that scenario is pretty terrible and she really used him and took advantage of him and in no way do I believe she reflected on him with warm thoughts. She could've cared less, honestly. She cared to keep his attention and that's it. She wouldn't sleep with him, she cheated on him all the time, did his drugs, took his money while he wanted a normal life with her.

The proudest thing he has ever done was written in a journal. He described when she offered an open polyamorous relationship andthat he couldn't do it and just let her go. I think he hoped he could come to a place that he could accept it but he never quite did and he kept his distance from her for years. THATS the most commendable thing he's done for himself. That's gotta be super hard. But he did it.

And I am not jealous of a succubus. I am well wanted in my own life. I am called beautiful daily by strangers. I am offered marriage by old men regularly. Men wait for me through other relationships on a chance they can fuck with me. They admire me for months from afar. They will buy me literally anything I ask for. He is included with these men. I have continually pulled him away from her and I may not have completely overtaken but I've taken. And I did not ruin myself with drugs. I did not follow her on social media, she followed me not out of interest of his life but because she knew who her competition was and I had this going for me well into my late 20s while she was slowly falling to bleach blonde bar bimbo. I am a fine wine. So no, I am not jealous nor am I jealous of his love for her because I'd hate him if he did the same to me. I am a stoic and hard person - declarations of love and emotion would turn me off. The lack of it has been more comfortable for me. I don't need him to declare his love for me to know he's wrapped. He's away now to prove to himself that he's not but I keep telling him he's still coming back to me. You didn't leave. You couldn't even stop talking to me.

Tomorrow I'll send pictures and act cute - he can't logically be mad because he was illogical and I stood up for myself and I'm glad he didn't argue it. It wasn't like fuck you you don't know her because he's not mad. He knows I'm right but he can't say I'm right because then he might have to further explore this thing he's not ready to be true. But I have set a precedent that if you do not want to hear my opinion on things, do not bring me into it by blaming things on me or connecting an unrelated event about me to your drama.

I have to remember things don't change overnight. He said he wanted a big monkey boyfriend to get him in line and tell him things he needs to hear. Many of my friends cherish my honesty and character judgements and that I am blunt. I don't do this around him because I continued to build his fantasy version of me but I don't want to be that. I have alot of value in my opinions. I am a really mindful person and I am working on believing in what I know more because I have more often than not been right in what I thought. It is right and true to my character to speak freely on what I can see is wrong, otherwise I choose not to speak on it at allbecause the other person is unwilling to see anything but what is right or possibly not take any personal blame for what they're causing by believing in something so much.

I said nothing wrong. I asserted my opinion as my own opinion and supported the knowledge that he's been hurt and used and despite his lashing out at me about not respecting his sadness I believed this person hurt and used him and that he has to process complicated grief but I won't accept unhealthy behaviors. I would sit and listen to an hour about their time together and say nothing just for him to get it out but I will not be apart of any of it I am completely and utterly separate from this life and always would have been. I will deal with his personal emotions about it, not defend or promote their relationship that I believed to be unhealthy.

I also spent very little money today and decided to make food and did adult things and made future plans with friends. Tomorrow I'm going to the farmers market in the morning, maybe chores or a bike ride in the afternoon and then a movie in the evening. I reached out to 4 ppl I have been okay with who have been decent with me too and they seem like they might actually come so I'm kind of excited for this. I might even be able to video chat with him while we're out in free Wi-Fi. I just have to keep setting a good positive example and not allow him to antagonize me into petty distorted fights. I'm trying my best until he comes back and if nothing has changed I'm done. I'm not mentally ready to tease myself with a life I could have but in the next week I want to promote the idea of commiting to our idea for real. I want to look for properties and learn some information about identifying trees. I think if we can find a suitable property that we can brainstorm the bare bones of what could be done but it sucks investing time into something just thrown away.

My hope for tomorrow is not a focus on the dead girl but as a reminder to move forward and keep swimming to get out of the murky waters. Things can't even be answered anymore so it's best to keep chugging on. I hope he wakes up inspired by unconditional love and not distortions.