#uni is making drawing rly hard but We Out Here :')

[aru-art]

no one is doing it like he is thank u studio bones for the food

[tmabutlesbian]

im feeling rly tired n i got an exam tmr so i wont be drawing more today bUT i can expand on the um bfu au a bit more to explain their characters a bit more

like season 1 and 2 of bfu both true crime and supernatural is like:

jon + gerry are basically dating but at the same time they assume the other does not feel the same way even tho they live together since jon finished uni and they share each others clothes n shit and go everywhere together

jon + martin are very complicated. here we don't have like the um boss/subordinate dynamic, theyre mere coworkers so martin is less nervous abt jon HOWEVER jon gets very moody around martin since he's in gerry's place (gerry is away because of family issues and also he later on gets another job so he doesnt come back fully, only makes cameos here n there).

since jon is just a petty lil asshole around martin at the start their convos are sometimes a bit stilted and tense, before this show started jon was neutral/nice to martin, his problem is that he's not gerry.

once martin gets fed up with jon's bullshit however, jon is guilty and just as he gathers the nerve to apologize gerry calls him like "YOU IDIOT!!! JUST SAY SORRY TO THE POOR GUY, WHAT HAS HE DONE TO YOU!!" which in hindsight is hilarious, it's almost like gerry read jon's mind but in the moment jon got very defensive and admitted that he missed gerry a lot. very emotional moment between two ppl who are weird with emotions so things get awkward.

funnily, its martin who helps jon out with his feelings, a martin that, very much like canon, has a crush on jon. he's still mad at jon and now he's a lil heartbroken because its obvious jon likes gerry so he assumes he has 0 chances here but he's an adult and he gets past that and he helps jon n gerry with their relationship.

season 3 of bfu:

jon + gerry are datingggggg (finally ffs), gerry gets a new job doing tattoos but on days he doesn't have appointments he's the one behind the camera when the boys are filming, on other days its sasha and tim.

jon + martin are exploring their new found friendship and it grows fast like wildfire. they have great chemistry, their banter is lovely, their funny, and more importantly theyre only jokingly mean to each other. jon is very much a suffering believer while martin does believe in the supernatural he just doesnt believe that these supernatural creatures would leave so much evidence behind and highly doubts any footage or sounds. this is also a way to lessen his fear of these monsters but jon doesn't need to know that

martin is still crushing. hard. jon is very happy in his relationship that he doesn't see his feelings for martin blooming, even tho there are (at this point) several compilations on yt titled "jon looking at martin with heart eyes for 10 minutes bisexual part 5", or along those lines. timsasha tease them constantly, sometimes they make the cut, others don't. on those bloopers videos it's more obvious and the teasing is non stop

martin is begging them to stop because he doesnt want jon to feel uncomfy or anything, while jon finds them very amusing, since he's so secure with gerry theres just No Way that he has feelings for martin, even if his heart fucking somersaults and the thought.

season 4 and 5 of bfu:

jongerry going strong, gerry has evolved to teasing as well and does more cameos here n there just because, he's also behind the camera more n more after the positive response from fans. gerry more easily sees his feelings for martin than jon and purposefully abuses this, voicing out his musings to jon just to watch him blush and fluster (gerry's fav part time hobby let me tell ya)

jonmartin are in the same situation that jongerry were in season 1. basically married already but assume there's no feelings evolved. martin fully on has accepted the unrequited love situation he believes is going on, jon is still in denial despite gerry's help on the matter, timsasha are becoming desperate, hell, the fans as well. it's critical at this point, somebody PLEASE shake them hard, they need to see it.

season 6 and onwards of bfu:

jongerry still going strong folks, gerry is way more direct to jon abt his feelings for martin and they (youre not gonna believe this-) talk about it. jon feels very stupid and after watching those compilations is also a lil embarassed but then he finds martin's versions and just gets flustered because "holy shit, its.... mutual?? maybe??" and gerry just facepalms and says "yes jon its mutual now go kiss. or talk. maybe talk first then kiss, yh"

jonmartin (again this is very shocking i know) talk (WOW OMG) and both realize their feelings (very awkwardly let me tell you but martin was a brave lil boy abt it n they got somewhere), they very much did kiss (wrow) and it was very sweet and all before the start of season 6.

so basically season 6 comes and they dont mention it to the fans, timsasha knew immediately and sigh in relief so now they turn to their new victim: gerrymartin, who everybody assumes is one sided, gerry as well.

gerry is a very bad influence so now its jon who teases martin and talks abt gerry very romantically just to watch martin blush. however it takes wayyy less time for martin to come around because. come on now. gerry's hot n shit n also very nice n weird and a nerd, he's like a taller, goth jon whos a lil less awkward and a bit more confident, u think martin wouldnt fall for this man as well?

anyways at this point, martin is at his what i like to call "lil shit phase but like it's obvious this time", so instead of confessing like a normal person, he teases gerry off and on show. it takes gerry off guard at first cuz "???? is martin flirting with me???? is he just being a bitch???..... i love it" but then he hits martin back equally, so jon is ever suffering between these two when they're in the same room, which is a lot since jongerry live together and jonmartin are dating. timsasha are finding this all very hilarious, so are the fans

season 7 bfu:

jonmartin get togetherrrrrrr, yes bitch. jgm polycule lets go!!! in on of those postmortem vids they casually mention this along with jonmartin n shit (they talk abt martin moving in with jongerry) and the viewers LOSE THEIR SHIT. they trend on twitter n everything. is all very funny. n they're very happy together. at this point a lot of the bloopers is just them being cute n gross n also arguing like an old married couple which they then have to cut or the vids would be like 1 hour long

n thats it. im gonna take a bath now. n then do a covid test!! n hopefully its negative!!! im nervous!!!

[faunusrights]

The scarlatinas are a big family with aunts and cousins visiting a lot right? Have you got an idea of how their house looks? (also could you release the Scarlatina family descriptions you gave me to the public?)

well, really the scarlatina family isn’t big in the, uh, family tree sense; it’s not like Velvet has 100+ cousins and that sort of stuff, but they’re big in the sense that they all live together, hjdshkjfsd. so it’s a big household! sixteen people! it’s nothing to sniff at! so the aunts and cousins dont visit, really, because they literally live next door, lmao.

the scarlatina homestead is split into two houses that keep getting added to every once in a while. the bigger one (aka the first) has georgette, rajah, taffeta, ash, chiffon, velvet, satin and hickory live there, whilst the second (rapidly growing) house has cotton, tenné, hawthorn (+ hawthorn’s wife, saffron, and their kid, fir), ramie (+ her wife, auburn) and birch. that said, the houses pretty much act as one, and people tend to drift in and out of either of em at will.

the houses are similar in terms of their footprint, since they sorta both evolved abt the same time for the same needs (oh shit a kid oh shit a marriage oh shit ANOTHER kid), and save for two smaller second storeys for storage/spare room needs, almost the entire thing is on the ground floor (heat rises, baby). they share a big old shed/workshop which ash lingers in CONSTANTLY, as well as two little gardens where they grow their own produce. they also have some solar panels and a huge windmill out front, both of which usually power their houses since they don’t typically draw a TON of energy, though they do have a generator that runs on fuel as a backup.

okay if we’re describing the whole family im gonna shunt this under a cut this goes on for a while dsfjhgjhskfgd

GEORGETTE SCARLATINA: the matriarch of the family! well, sorta; she’s let her own daughters sort of have run of the place in her stead, because she’s “retired” now and that means she mostly sits back and enjoys not Working all the time. back in her heyday the woman was an absolutely powerhouse, 24/7 on the grind, but even now she’s very… well, she’s still a force to be reckoned with, really, and whilst she isn’t uuuuuuuh Strict, per se, she’s very disciplined, and no matter what her kids and grandkids choose to do, she expects them to really throw themselves into it. weiss is both terrified of her and desperately wants her approval, which isn’t hard to get, but weiss is, how they say, dumbass. georgette is also the reason why taffeta and cotton are… Like That. like what? stubborn loud fuzzy taking zero shit, etc,

RAJAH SCARLATINA: scarlatina women seem to always land themselves timid men and nobody is sure how, or why, but georgette wasnt the first to start this trend and shes def not the one to end it. rajah is pretty mild-mannered, but like georgette, never rested when people needed help. he and ash (and tenné) get on real well because they’re happy enough to mind their own Fuckin Business whilst their wives barrel around with all the grace of rampaging bulls. still, rajah’s also very much a product of his time as an early settler to menagerie; he’s never really… happy with everything, because they lost so much leaving for this shithole, so he’s always kinda… mildly sad about stuff, but the same can be said of any faunus his age tbh.

COTTON SCARLATINA: the older of the two Scarlatina Daughters, cotton is… manic. full of energy, always looking to burn it off. she’s an optimist at heart since she and taffeta came to menagerie when they were ten and therefore are more accustomed to the island, and her primary objective is making a good home and a good start for the family. she’s not too interested in politics or revolution, mainly because she’s the type of woman who plans by meals and mouths to feed, if u get me. she’s also pretty smug because her side of the family are rly growing up (TWO wives. a GRANDKID. its ALL COMING UP COTTON) and it means she gets to spend more time doing stuff she’s passionate abt!!!!!!! nice!!!!!!!!

TENNÉ SCARLATINA: i put an accent on his name and i regret it every day of my life. anyway. tenné isn’t entirely sure how he ended up with just The Most scarlatina, but he did and, well, there’s no backing out now. tenné‘s a deer faunus and was around cotton’s age when he and his family moved with the scarlatinas to menagerie, so he and cotton have always been close. he’s very patient and doesn’t always have a lot to say, but he and cotton are a great team when it comes to managing the entire homestead together. again, he’s not a political type, and just wants to keep his corner of things safe in uncertain times. he always pretty rarely leaves the homestead for anything, so he’s also kinda reclusive, but so is cotton! it all works out!

HAWTHORN SCARLATINA: i won’t go into the partners lest i Die but hawthorne is the eldest child of cotton and tenné. got antlers like his da, and he’s a pretty big fellow by scarlatina standards (that is to say, not thin enough to fly away in a stiff breeze). hawthorn is… well, long and short, he’s a himbo, but he’s also a pretty devoted homesteader (this is a trend! watch this space). his wife, saffron, was from desert sands and they’d been dating for a While before they got married, and they’re the first to have kids of all the first-gen* scarlatinas. he’s got cotton’s love of the family and tenné’s sort of quiet offset nature, though he was pretty rowdy as a kid (he grew out of that once velvet broke his nose tho).

RAMIE AND BIRCH SCARLATINA: twins! twins! oh my god! twins!!! fraternal twins!!!

ramie is the older of the two (my friends who were w/ me when we played the RWBY ttrpg will Remember Her) and she’s. well she’s surprisingly enough like taffeta that cotton jokes that clearly she’s gone and had the wrong kid. she’s very Firm abt things and has a way of naturally corralling people to follow after her, if only because this bitch has enough common sense for herself and, like, five people. she was also voted Best Lesbian Cousin five years in a row, and she and auburn get on like a house on fire. they’re also very into PDA, don’t mind them.

birch is the younger of the two and ramie always calls them the emo one. they’re not really so much into people as they are into their crafts and their plants (their bedroom looks like a greenhouse dont mind them) and they have tenné’s nature and georgette’s focus on working all the goddamn time. they’re good company is you strike up convo in the areas they have interest in, but sometimes it’s like talking to a brick wall. ramie is very fluent in their noncommittal grunts of disinterest, though.

FIR SCARLATINA: he’s one year old. he’s a baby. idk shit.

TAFFETA SCARLATINA: here’s the bitch we’ve all been waiting for

taffeta is like georgette if georgette was somehow more like herself. whereas the other half of the family are more core to the values of the clan, taffeta’s a tribe woman, and when she wakes up in the morning her focus is always on the wider community. taffeta’s very much just a machine of intent; she farms, she builds, she repairs, she trades, she gives, she travels, she does SO much and she’s very much the face of the family at present (which is why ppl hear the name ‘scarlatina and go ‘oh god’ w/o realising the other half wont bother u even slightly djsfggjsdfh). she’s STURDY she’s FLUFFY and she has zero qualms abt putting u in a headlock if u deserve one. dont test her. that said, taffeta’s a very reasonable woman; i’ll eventually go more into that at some nebulous point in the future hdjsgfjghksfd

ASH SCARLATINA: it’s everyone’s favourite da! i’ll TRY and keep this short. ash (MUCH LIKE THE MEN SO FAR) is just. so chilled out. can everyone PLEASE be quiet. well, he didn’t used to be – ash lived in kuo kuana before meeting taffeta and had such severe anxiety abt crowds that the boy could barely put a sentence together, let alone much else, not in the scarlatina household, he’s very calm and hard to ruffle. ash really just likes to do his thing, which is everything taffeta doesn’t do; he cooks, he watches the kids, he fixes stuff in the workshop, and he’s big into photography of the family, which is where velvet gets it from! ash is basically taffeta’s counterbalance, but being with her means he’s also become pretty well known about the town (if not for. entirely the reasons you think,)

CHIFFON SCARLATINA: the eldest of ash and taffeta’s kids! chiffon is a weird one; she takes a lot after ash in that she’s pretty reserved and doesn’t let a lot bother her, and when stuff does bother her, she expresses it pretty quietly. also, unlike her cousins who are all homebodies, chiffon was the first kid to actually leave the homestead for kuo kuana to work on the docks during a biiiig overhaul and extension of the boardwalk. she wanted to get out and see the world, but human tourists really out her off the idea, so after about a year and a bit she ended up returning home where she’s stayed ever since. after taffeta retires, she’ll probably be the next face people know and relate to the name scarlatina, tbh.

VELVET SCARLATINA: do i. do i have to say anything about her. you KNOW this bitch. anyway. velvet’s got taffeta’s stubborn sense and ash’s compassion, wants to travel like chiffon, has enough determination to just keep going when it gets her down. extremely stupid. herbo energy. trans jock. has fists will punch. fluffy. fuzzy. hot. dumbass. seriously, do i have to say anything else?

SATIN SCARLATINA: it’s a baby! just kidding, she’s 11. satin is pretty young but she’s at that age where she’s tryna figure out the world for herself. she’s already shaping up to be a lot like taffeta – bold and brash and determined – and much like her older siblings, politics is already playing into her interests. satin really wants to see vale and her tribelands, but after what happened to velvet at uni, taffeta’s trying to… well, not talk her out of it, but encourage her, gently, to reconsider. it’s not working. she and chiffon get on spectacularly well, and she and velvet get on ever better.

HICKORY SCARLATINA: okay, NOW baby. well………. okay, yeah, he’s 7. hickory is a little dreamer, never really in the present. he’s super into making stuff and helping out the adults around the homestead, and he’s not really noticed enough to be infuriated like satin, so he’s got that youthful, uh, innocence, let’s say, that means right now? life is GREAT! eventually he’ll find out that no, it’s not all that great, tbh, but right now he’s a champ at feeding the rabbits, pulling up veggies, and finishing his plate. good job hickory!

AND THAT’S THE FAM (save for the inlaws). theyre great and i think abt em all the time. could u tell? could u tell, sharkie,

*so i looked up the whole ‘generations’ thing to check if i was right and it turns out both first-gen and second-gen have incompatible definitions (thanks america) but for the sake of not going nuts, all of cotton’s and taffeta’s kids r first gen and fir is second-gen. u could also argue cotton and taff are first-gen on account of being pretty young when they came to menag but honestly it’s too complicated. lets just leave it at that sdfjhgksdf

[madmadmilk]

hi j, if u see this n have it in u to offer some big sis advice i would rly appreciate it! so rn im taking time off uni, i've had the worst year in terms of trauma n mental health n family issues n deaths n whatever, its been shit. but i'm trying to decide if i should go back to uni in the new year, i just feel so lost, i dont have any talents, i dont have any core passions or career desires or anything, i just dk what to do w my life and it really gives me so much anxiety :( do u have any tips

oh my gosh i wrote a big huge reply to this earlier but tumblr deleted it lmao sooooo here we go again >>

heyyo!! thank you for stopping by, and i have to let you know how incredibly strong and brave you are. i’m excited for you and your journey towards happiness! in whatever form it will take!! :) with this, you are already on your way. 

i don’t know your specific situation, and i don’t have the magic words to make it all better, but here are some things that may help you get into a motivated and brighter headspace:

+ talk about it: you’re already in it, b. i think it’s so important to tell someone if you’re stressed or worried,, just to hear the words out loud and let someone know. it literally will lift a weight off your shoulders!!

+ spend time with friends and family: i think it’s a good idea to surround yourself with people to gain perspective and warmth. as much as you’d want to isolate yourself,,, surrounding yourself socially will help you heal

+ don’t give up your hobbies, and pick up new ones!: find things that you used to love or want to love, and give yourself time to enjoy them! do this that make you happy! create, draw, write, read, play video games, keep up with tv, exercise >>> anything that makes you smile! for no other reason than You Deserve To Smile

+ keep a diary, journal, blog: just some way to record your feelings, whether it be through writing or photos or memes. just a way for you to reflect and map out your own feelings / motivations. whether it’s recording highs or lows, i think it’s better to express it >> publicly or privately, it doesn’t matter. just so you could see it.

+ watch self-help & self-care vids on youtube: it’s nice to see other people who have gone through similar things and see how they have pulled themselves up. i think you can find shades of humanity and intimacy in watching these videos! inspiring, and without the fuss of being clinical or professional. 

+ take a chance!: if you feel like going back to school sounds like your next natural step, go for it. even if you dont know what your’e going to do or have never started, take a class if you can. try things out and you never know what sticks. 

+ remember that it’s okay to be anxious, nervous, and lost: it’s okay! we all fumble and fall, nothing to be ashamed about. you’re good, and the fact that you want to get up and move is beautiful and wonderful and brave! you got this!

hope this greets you well. i’m just a girl navigating the same trodden streets and i can’t offer much advice other than putting your happiness first. do your best and the world will open up to you! you’ll overcome so many things, so work hard for tomorrow :)

all the best! x

[id-rather-be-an-outsider]

tagged by @lucypcvensie uwu thanks for putting up with my weirdo self ily <3

How tall are you? 5′2 

What color and style is your hair? lots of people say my hair’s a light brown, but hair stylists say it’s a dark blonde so I’ll trust their judgement // my hair’s curly

What color are your eyes? blue (with these little flecks of gold right around the irises, you can only see them if you look real close)

Do you wear glasses? I have glasses, don’t necessarily wear them all the time

Do you wear braces? I used to, but I developed root resorption and had to get them off early (spring of 2017) so now none of my teeth toouch except for in the very back :( makes it really hard to eat samiches (yes that’s how I like to spell sandwiches fight me)

What’s your fashion sense? so I don’t count most days as my fashion sense bc I wear athleisure ish allllllll the time out of laziness, but when I do make an effort I have two ends of things bc I’m androgynous. so on a day when I’m feeling more masculine you’re gonna see me in a sporty-type-look (spandex, just barely sagging joggers, a graphic tee, my gold chain and jordans, I usually pull my hair into a ponytail and lay my edges), but on a day when I feel more feminine you’re gonna see me in some tried-and-true type of clothes (cute shirt, leggings, heels, jewelry, makeup did, hair down and [hopefully] acting right), but on a day when I’m feeling in-between I’ll try to experiment or be “edgy” (basically mixing and matching or trying something I saw a celebrity do and thought was cute). regardless of any style I’m in, though, you’re always gonna see me with my nails done, whether that means I got acrylics on or that I painted them myself... just know. that’s how we do. and by we I mean me.

Full name? I won’t share my last name, but Eden Amaris (fun fact: amaris can be pronounced two ways!) Is my first and middle

When were you born? December 18, 1999

Where are you from and where do you live now? was born in Federal Way, WA but I consider myself to be from Tacoma, WA as I’ve spent all of my most important years there (early childhood + hs + uni). I now live in Tacoma.

What school do you go to? University of Washington

What kind of student are you? a fucking mess I’m quiet at first, but once I’m comfortable I’m rly talkative and answer so many questions that my teachers will literally stop calling on me unless if there’s no one else lmaooo, I’ve also had several classmates and teachers tell me I should be a teacher and surprise, surprise, I do want to be a teacher for some time

Do you like school? f-f-f-FUCK YEA I LIKE SCHOOL how is that even a question??? to take it down a couple notches, yes, I love school, whether it’s for sports or for learning, I’m always excited to come to school everyday wow what a frickin nerd amirite, frickin loser

Favorite subject? depends on my professor. at this point, I highkey hate all of my classes rn bc I don’t feel like I’m learning anything. that miiight also have something to do with depression and anxiety though so idk what to tell ya man

Favorite tv shows? not a super TV person, but I’m a thot for Steven Universe

Favorite movie? I love tf out of movies, my all time would have to be Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (I just pretend that WftPotA didn’t happen atm bc I hate sm of what happened in it), but in the last few days I’ve watched War Horse (I cried like a bitch lemme tell ya), Secretariat (didn’t cry like a bitch but got teary-eyed) and 42 (I did cry at certain parts but it’s kinda uplifting so ya know, wasn’t super sad) and they were all lovely so if you haven’t seen them yet, go watch them! They’re all free on Netflix

Favorite book? When I was little it was this book called Junket (that thing is older than my grandparents, good lordte), I think some of my favorites rn tho are Heartless by Marissa Meyer and Tales from the Perilous Realm by J.R.R. Tolkien

Favorite past time? a couple months ago you would’ve thought it was crying from how much I did that, but tbh it’s probably drawing, writing, reading, watching movies, listening to music, sewing, spending time/going on adventures with my friends and helping my friends with their lives. I KNOW THAT’S EVERYTHING BUT I CAN’T HELP IT REEEE my most favorite past time atm is helping my friend Charlie clean and organize his room and designing things for his business, also spending time with my favorite little niecey-poo in the WHOLE WORLD OMGOODNESS HERE IS A PICTURE OF HER BEAUTIFUL SELF I LOVE HER SM SHE IS THE SWEETEST MOST CUTEST AND FUNNIEST AND SMARTEST WITTO GIRL EVER AND I LOVE HER <3

Do you have regrets? boy oh boy, do I: taking so long to forgive my abuser (thx for destroying my childhood @ my biological father), procrastinating, not having enough self-love/worth/confidence, being complacent with so many of the friends I used to have, focusing so much on socializing in hs rather than my sports and my schoolwork, being so afraid to just be myself bc I knew most people don’t want to be friends with a weirdo, the list goes on, all I can do now is move past it though so... ohwell.

Dream job? oh SIS get ready for this: sooo I want to own my own business, known as LEAD Revitalization (L for Love, E for Equity, A for Advocacy, D for Diplomacy - these are the core values of my business), which aims to help revitalize underdeveloped and underserved ethnic communities in the US and around the world and fight against gentrification through implementing art of all mediums in or near historic locations in that community that is representative of the demographic living there (so if the area is a primarily black neighborhood, you’re gonna see art depicting black history and culture, and if the area is primarily Asian you’d see Asian history and culture). I won’t get too into it just bc that would make this post way too long, but if anyone’s interested or wants to hear more you can bml ;) like literally bc I’m passionate af about it so I will talk your head off for days on end if given the chance

Would you ever like to be married? yes

Would you like kids? yes

How many? two or three of my own (I’m hoping for a girl and a boy) just so I can have the experience of having kids, but once they’re grown and out of the house I would like to adopt more if I have the resources to. my cousin’s adopted, so like, idk. I think that if you can adopt a kid, you should, bc there’s so many of them just stuck in the foster system and that’s complete bs

Do you like shopping? yes but I usually don’t like getting myself things (unless if we’re talking groceries or something I actually need), I love to buy things for other ppl tho if I can

What countries have you visited? canada for like 3 days technically, I just went to Mt. Whistler for spring snowboarding (that shit hurted) with my aunt bc she paid for the whole thing and my passport

Scariest nightmare you have ever had? TRIGGER WARNING: DOMESTIC AND SEXUAL VIOLENCE - I had a nightmare awhile ago that this guy I used to be involved with raped me, I also used to have recurring nightmares after I stopped going to my biological father’s house for visitation where he would come searching for me trying to kill me and my older brother (he’s tried to kill me 3+ times sooo... it makes sense). so like. fun.

Any enemies? S A T A N and myself, or.... my brain, I guess. idk.

Self-doubt? you betcha

Any significant other? kinda? I’m currently fwb with my ex and still have feelings for him (oopsies), we split bc he was going through shit and needed to figure himself out, I’ve been close to him for a phat minute so I’m not really trippin about it. I also have crushes on other people, but nothing’s presented itself as something worth pursuing yet so. yakno.

Do you believe in miracles? lmao I would fuckin hope so, the very fact that I’m alive rn is a gd miracle so yea

How are you? I am so-so. If we’re just talking about today, I’m prolly fine, but if we’re talking long term, I’ve been going through it. I’m just trying to figure myself out atm, and it’s rough, but I’ll probably get there. My friends think I will, at least.

i tag: @crookedly-rainy @secretpatrolpiespy hi I don’t have any other friends on Tumblr so I tagged my friends from Amino Y E E T

[okjimin]

🍯 mutual appreciation post!! 🍯

✨🌙⭐️💛💫 to all my lovely wonderful kind friendly amazing hilarious mutuals!!!! i’ve only been on tumblr for a short time but Listen i love u all soooo much thank u for brightening my day everyday!!!! 2017 was such a shit year for me but spending the last few months on tumblr dot com rly cheered me up and i hav u all to thank for that!!!!! to all of you that celebrate christmas, i hope u have the best christmas EVER and for all of you that don’t i hope your day is filled with warmth happiness and love!!! and i wish all of u a happy new year, i hope 2018 is an amazing year for u all, u all deserve it sooooooooo much!!!!✨🌙⭐️💛💫 

(i tried 2 do this in order of oldest to newest mutuals !!!!)

💌 @1jmins: dia where do i even begin?!?!?! i cant believe we’ve only known each other for like a few weeks honestly that’s INSANE bc it genuinely feels like ive known you forever!!! we get along soooo well and you’re so easy to talk to, we are basically the same person like???? still cant believe we were literally put on this earth to love each other??? im still struggling to get over the fact we were born a day apart, our natal charts are pretty much identical, wow amazing.......soul mate Goals......anyway did i mention how hilarious, sweet, kind and warm and just all round perfect u are?!?!?!? i live for our 1am wattpad reading sessions and when we dub bts performances with stormzy and craig david!!!!! still cant believe bts invented british grime like???? u make me laugh sooo much and honestly one of the highlights of my day is talking to u!!!! i love u soooosoosooooossosoos much bb and i hope we get even closer in 2018!!!! and u know that when bts finally come 2 the uk me and u are going to spend £300 on tickets and flash our tiddies for jimin.........pls dia i Love U!!!!!!!!!! have a wonderful xmas and new year!!!!!!! sending u so much love bby!!!!! my actual twin sister and soul mate!!!!!

💌 @ktheaven: nadine u are soooo sweet and lovely!! i could write a 2000 word essay on how kind you are! you’re one of the first people i ever spoke to on here and im so glad we got talking bc youre seriously such a lovely, warm hearted person!!! youre so thoughtful and caring!!!! also, youre sooo hardworking!! im sure all your hard work at uni will pay off and you will get the teaching job of your dreams!!! i love u lots and i rly hope you have an amazing 2018!!

💌 @kimtaethebae hannah!!! youre literally the first person i ever spoke to on here!!!! youre so cute and bubbly and funny, we havent spoken that much lately but i hope youre doing well and that you have an amazing christmas and new year bc you deserve it soo much!!! im sending u so many positive vibes bb!!!

💌 @43hy adreana bby!!!! you were one of my first mutuals on here!!!!! a true og!!!! your blog is sooo cute and your posts make me smile and always brighten up my day!! i hope 2018 treats you will and that you have an amazing christmas!!! 

💌  @rainpjm hannah you were my first mutual ever i think!?!?? i literally love ur blog so much u make me laugh so hard with ur censored posts bc im like binch SAME.....ur sooo cute not to mention amazingly beautiful!!!!!! i hav a crush on U!!!!! u totally deserve to have the most wonderful christmas and new year angel!!!! 

💌  @piedparkjimin dakota!!! another one of my first ever mutuals!!! listen i love u youre soooo sweet and kind and i really do wish all the best for you in 2018, you honestly deserve all the happiness and warmth in the world and pls remember im always here if you wanna talk!!! your txt posts always make me smile so much thanks for brightening up my dash bb!!

💌  @inkcanaries henlo gi bb!!!!!! yet another og mutual!!!! Listen ur so fuckin funny i stg ur txt posts are hilarious catch me scrolling through your blog at 2am pissing myself at ur hilarious self.....although im sick 2 death of seeing that ugly ass pic let me not lie lmao........ur so sweet bb and im still not over ur gorgeous curly hair!!!!! have a super christmas and new year bb!!!!

💌  @joohoens hannah ufewqpfioqe youve changed ur url so much lately i was soo confused!! well only true 90s kids will remember yoongjis.....you were one of the first ever ppl i spoke to on here and youre sooooooo cute, youre always leaving cute happy messages in my askbox and pls know i appreciate it so much!!! youre such a ball of sunshine and i hope youre doing well bc we havent spoken in a while! ly bb!!!

💌  @jinsasleep hello jess!!!! u were one of the first ppl i EVER followed here @ tumblr dot com lol i had a different url when i first made this blog tho but i remember i sent u an ask saying i was a new blog and if u could rec some blogs and u sent me soooo many, many of which are now some of my fav mutuals!!! i totally admire u from afar i think youre an amazing person and that youre so lovely and sweet!! all the best for 2018 bb!!! ALSO!!!!! susan is so cute Bye

💌  @cyphriv clodagh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LISTEN ur an ACTUAL ray of sunshine u make me smile SOOOOO MUCH!!!!!!! the official irish mutual™ i literally find u so hilarious and ur so nice 2 me and wow also so beautiful i truly dont deserve u.....i lov my fellow little mix STAN (cant believe i still havent seen them live lol we will hav 2 go together!!!!!!!!!) thanks for making my day better whenever u come online!!!! luv u!!!!!

💌 @je0n hi anna!!!! we havent rlly spoke before but youre one of the first blogs i followed and i just wanted to include you in this bc not only is ur blog and content amazing, i think youre a truly wonderful person with a HUge heart!! i always see you giving advice to anons and your replies are always so long and detailed and :((( you just seem so sweet, kind and caring and i honestly hope you have an amazing holiday season and wonderful 2018!!! U deserve it!!

💌 @megjinglebells meg!!!!! well firstly let me just say youre an actual supermodel, youre so gorgeous its insane!!!!!!! on top of that you are also such a warm, kind and lovely person who truly deserves the world!!!! your blog is so cute i love it soo much and your love for jin is so adorable!!!!! all the best for 2018 bb!!!! u deserve to have an amazing year!

💌 @gothsyub hi bb!!!!! your blog is soooo cute!!!! we havent rlly spoken before but i get such lovely, friendly vibes from you and of course i love ur yoongi content seeing as tho i had swerved into his lane as of late......all the best for 2018 bb!!!!

💌 @honeyyjeon hello angel!!!!!!!! firstly let me say you are SOOOOO lovely, your blog is full of such cute content and ahhhhhh i love it so so much!! your posts really genuinely lighten up my day and u seem like such a friendly and approachable person!!!! have an amazing 2018 honey!!!

💌 @jeonsberry asya!!!! not only are u stunningly beautiful but youre also super cute and kind and wonderful!!!!!! your love for jungkook is so sweet and Wow i can relate bc that boy.....he is rly something........anyway back to u......ur so so so lovely and definitely deserve to have a brilliant 2018!!!! 

💌 @cloudjeon hello debbs!!!!!!! Listen ur so funny!!!! ur blog is truly hilarious and i know that when youre online my day is going 2 get better 1000% guaranteed!!! youre such a cute sweet angel and we aint talked that much lately but pls know that i lov u and i rly rly hope you have an amazing 2018 but i also hope that u sort ur sleeping schedule out!!!!! binch1!!!!!!!! u always awake how u do that!!!! ly my nocturnal bb!!!!!

💌 @cryjeon sara!!!!! my time zone twin!!!!! youre such a little angel i stg, you make me smile sooo much!!!! you’re honestly just such a nice, kind person and i hav so much love in my heart just for u!!!!! if anyone deserves to have a wonderful 2018 its u bby!!!!! 

💌 @dn-a hiya lee!!!! ur super cool and u literally make me laugh at least once a day how u do that.......i live for ur tags and txt posts theyre so hilarious!!! we dont rlly talk much but you come across as soooo lovely and kind!! all the best for 2018!!!

💌 @christmasjins hey elana!!! the jin mutual™ i love ur blog so much its nice to hav a healthy daily dose of mistre jin let me not lie!!! anyway ur such a wonderful person, youre so friendly and lovely and i just wanna give u a big hug!!!! 

💌  @jiminsgothbf VIC listen the rumours are tru im in lov with u........ur soooooo funny honestly wish u would get drunk and mssg me more often bc ur actually hilarious!!! i hoenstly love ur blog so much and im so glad i followed u!!!! cant wait for Jenna and Vic Take Leeds its gna be fkin wild !!!!! ly bb and all the best for 2018 u deserve to hav an amazing year!!!!

💌  @merryblondekth shan giefowugrieof Listen ur funny af but also wish youd let me live sometimes.......Anyway ill let u off bc youre an intellectual as you know that blonde tae is the best tae.....hes comin back in 2018 i can feel it in my bones and also my puthy.....ur always starting discourse which i love however only tru 90s kids will remember dickcourse.....hav an amazing 2018 bb!!!!!!

💌  @taetaez hi gio we dont rlly speak much but u seem rlly nice and i love ur blog so much!!!!! i love all ur posts ahh!!!! also i see u swervin into yoongi’s lane just wanna let u know i fully support that!!!! all the best for the new year bb!!!

💌  @4agstd hi angel!!!! you often tag me in yoongi stuff and let me just say real quick i truly appreciate that so much as he is the actual love of my life.....anyway ur blog is super duper cute and u seem like a rly lovely person who deserves a whole lotta love!!!!!

💌 @mistlemochi hannah im screaming i love ur blog SO MUCH ur so fuckin hilarious ur txt posts and tags literally hav me DYIN.....ur love for jimin is sooo pure and cute!!!! also ur so fuckigngng pretty like how can a person b that gorgeous Binch bye.......all the best for 2018!!!! ly!!!

💌  @beaniebangtan hi anita!!!! your blog is so nice and i think youre a lovely person!!! your art is also honestly so amazing?!?! like binch how u draw like that!?!??! i rly truly hope u have an amazing brilliant wonderful 2018!!! u deserve it1!!!

💌  @bbyboyjiminies megan!! we dont rlly talk much but i get such positive friendly vibes from you and your blog honestly brightens my day so so much!!! i wish you all the best for 2018, you totally deserve to have an amazing year bc of what a lovely person you are!!! 

💌  @strongjeon cami!!!!! youre such a wonderful person and i rly truly mean it when i say i love ur blog!!! i think youre such a sweet person and also ur so so beautifull Binch how u do that ?????? all the best for 2018!!! sending u lots of positive vibes for the new year! 

💌  @gingerbreadchan cherry1!!!!!! i rly love your blog SO much even if you talk about piss kink and feet 98% of the time !!!!!!!! pls youre so cute and lovely and just an all round wonderful person!!! you truly are a ball of sunshine i hope u know that!!!!! ur so loved bb!!!! i rly rly rly RLY hope u hav an amazing 2018!!! and pls know im always here for u angel no matter what !!

💌  @blueyoongles well miss cg one thing for sure is that i LOV U!!!! ur so so so funny and literally support me so much lmao??? if i reblog an ask meme i know ur gunna be there validate my ass and ur always replying to my posts with funny comments and wow i just lov u i hope we speak more in 2018!!!! ur so kind and sweet and thoughtful and im still waiting for ice cream date pt. 2!!!! usually cancers and leos wouldnt mix but we rlly out here proving the stars wrong huh?!!??!

💌  @honeydewjimin dax!!!!! Listen im lov u.....sooooo much......ur such a cutie and ur just so lovely and cute!!!!! even if u do send me weird shit sometimes origuhwefijwqego also an astrology Genius???? cnt believe you invented astrology wo w amazing......i hope ur 2018 is as wonderful as u are and i hope we speak more in the new year bb!!!! ly!!!!!!

💌  @ofsugas ahhh ur so so so cute and i LOVE ur blog!!!! axis ur so sweet i love how much yoongi content u provide on my dash!!!!!!! but also a jimin enthusiast? wow you and i are truly kin.....i hope u have a wonderful 2018 angel, u deffo deserve it! keep on bein the lil ray of sunshine that u are!!!

💌  @foryoubybts heather!!!!!! Listen ur blog is so positive i love it soooooo much!!! i must see you post at least once a day about how much you love and adore bts and im just like Binch......SAME!!!!!!!! ur so so cute and lovely and seem like such a kind warm hearted wow pls be my bff!!!! ALSO ur gorgeous and id do anythin for ur lovely red hair :((( all the best bb!!!!

💌  @poutyjimin hi luisa!!!!!! Ur sooooo fucking funny i swear i die at ur txt posts ur a true comic genius!!!! thanks for making my dash a better place with ur funny posts!!!! i hope your 2018 is as wonderful as you are!!

💌  @snowglhobi re listen ur an actual ray of ACTUAL sunshine!!!!! ur blog is amazing and so cute and wow i just love it so much :((((( noah fence but im in luv with u!!!!! also boyinlub is such a god tier url doeifqwod miss her so much cant wait 2 see her again in 2018!!!! wishing u all the best angel!!!!

💌  @jeonbye salla we dont talk much but ur sooo funny!!!! literally u make me laugh so much and ur blog is so cute and i get so many positive vibes from u!!!!! So guess what!!!!! im sending all those positive vibes right back at u!!!! have a great 2018 bb i hope the year treats u well bc u deserve it!!!

💌  @mewwychwistmas nestle, wow, i lov u!!!!!! ur my favourite brand of chocolate!!!! also ur love for shrek is so pure and wholesome, it’s so beautiful to see how much you adore him!!! efuqiwoef lol for real tho ur so funny and hilarious and the sun is literally jealous of u bc she could never be as bright and wonderful as u are!!!!!!!!! ALL THE BEST FOR 2k18 BB!!!!!!!!! (im a master bby....wish ur toes)

💌  @jikooksgf hey zara!!!!!! listen!!!! ima only say this once!!!!! i love u and ur blog a lot!! i literally live for u aesthetic posts like binch so fuckin pretty!!!!! ur so sweet and seem sooooo lovely i hope youre doing well bb!!! also rly hope that 2018 treats u well and that u have a brilliant year ahead of u bc u deserve it!!!

💌  @kkultae hello!!!! firstly lemme just say ur super talented!!! ur art is amazing suwiojdw like its literally so good binch how u draw like that i cant even hold a pen.....ALSO ur so pretty wow pls be my gf :( i rmr u called me ur tumblr crush once and WOW my heart burst when u said that let me not lie.....anyway hope ur 2018 is as wonderful and amazing as u are!!!!! LY!!!!

💌  @sleepiemoon hi bb!!! we dont talk all that much but i genuinely get such lovely, positive vibes from you!! you seem like a wonderful person, and just wanna say i love ur blog and ur posts, they make me smile sooo much!!! all the best for 2018 angel <3 

💌  @winngs elena !!!! every time i see ur name i think of the vampire diaries lmao guwefiqwdo ANYWAY this binch (me) loves u and ur blog a LOT and she also thinks u deserve all the warmth love and happiness the world has to offer in 2018 bc guess what!!!!!! ur an actual lil ray of sunshine and u deserve it!!!! all the best!!!! 

💌  @firemv sarah wow OKKK name a more positive, lovely, amazin, caring, funny tumblr user than firemv i’ll wait.............ur honestly such a babe and i love u a lot!!!!!!! also ur a taurus so bonus points for that!!!! seriously tho i adore u, u literally invented languages like???? multilingual queen over here??? u honestly brighten my dash and u truly deserve to have a wonderful 2018!!!! all the best bb!!!

💌  @sailorjoon fy!!!!!! youre such a warm, lovable, friendly, amazing person but rly am i surprised?? i mean ur a cancer and all cancers are amazing lol!!!!!! honestly tho i think youre such an amazing person, your blog is soo wonderful and cute and wow me??? so in lov with u???? its more likely than u think!!!! jenfy 2k18!!!! ly bb!!!!

💌  @clownjimin stefi we dont talk tbh but fhbwdjq LISTEN ur so fuckin funny and ur blog is not only hilarious but also super cute !!!!!! have a wonderful 2018 im sending u lots of positive vibes bb!!!!!

💌  @starprincejimin  anna! we dont talk that much but you seem like such a lovely, kind, cute person and wow i just admire u so much from afar.....my new years resolution is to get to know u better bc ur literally just so amazing!!!!! all the best for 2018 angel!!!!

💌  @jeonpalette hi bb!!! ur blog is definitely one of the cutest blogs i follow!!!!!! we dont talk all that much but u seem so genuine and lovely and i rly wish u all the best for the upcoming year, u deserve to have an amazin 2018!!!!

💌  @clairelions chiara!!! you are honestly one of the most lovely, genuine, kind, talented and friendly people i have met on here!!! im so glad we got talking bc you are soooo cute!!! i love all ur edits too, they’re so incredibly beautiful just like you!!! all the best for 2018 bb, you honestly deserve to have such an amazing year!!

💌  @suransgf hey nura!!!! ur suuuuuuper cute and sweet!!! also ur mobile themes are also aesthetic af im always like Yes ma lov it when u bless my mobile app with that minimalistic look!!!!! ur rlly lovely and i hope ur 2018 is as wonderful as u are!!!!!

💌 @jeonggok hiiii bb!!!!! Listen ur so cute and i rly love ur blog a lot!!!! one of my new years resolutions is 2 get to know u better because u seem like a lovely person and ye lets be best friends!!!! all the best for the new year angel!!!!

💌  @byungjoo / @acustd laura listen i would be NOTHING without u......ur always out here responding to my incessant ask memes and let me just say i appreciate u binch!!!!!! ur sooo lovely, cute, funny not 2 mention drop dead gorgeous!!!! i rly hope ur 2018 is amazing bc u honestly deserve it so much!!! ly!!!!

💌  @daisyguk kiara!!! firstly ur name is so pretty!!! secondly!!!! we dont talk a lot but id love 2 get to know u better bc u seem rlly rlly sweet!!!! also so many anons have a crush on you like???? ur so loved wow????? hope ur 2018 is amazing bb u rly deserve it!!! sending u lots of love and warmth and positive vibes!!!

💌  @jiminnight hi jo!!!! (is it ok to call u thathwdjieufqw) listen up!!!!! U !!!!! ARE !!!! SO !!!!!! CUTE !!!!! AND !!!!! I !!!!! LOVE !!!! U !!!!! A LOT!!!!! SO !!!! JOT THAT DOWN!!!!! u seem like such a wonderful person and i see u spreading a lot of love and i just wana say i think ur amazing!!!!!!!!! all the best for 2018!!!!

💌  @g0thbug hi hazy!!!!! we aint ever spoke before but listen!!!!!!!!!!! ur blog and u are super cute and wow i love u a lot!!!! hope ur 2018 is brilliant!!!!!

💌  @dimples anna!!!! ur so lovely, i love ur blog a LOT!!!! ur so kind and sweet to everyone and you just seem like someone who spreads a lot of positivity and i lov that about u!!!!! we dont speak all that much but i’d love to get to know u better and thems the facts!!!! hope ur 2018 is as sweet as u are <3 

💌  @gfmp3 hii!!!!!!!!!! we aint ever rly spoken before but wow i lov u so much already!!!!! ur blog is so aesthetic and cute and yeh!!!!! i love it a hell of a lot!!!! ur a little ball of sunshine, thanks for brightening up my dash everyday!! all the best for the new year!!

💌  @vanillalattaes hi angel!!!! u seem like such a positive, loving person and i just wana say i lov u and ur blog A LOT!!!!!!! i hope get to know ech other more in the new year if ur up for that!!!! thanks for being a cute lil flower and making my dash a better place!!!! ly!!!

💌  @seokchiminie henlo!!!!! we only recently became mutuals but lemme just say ur such a lovely person with such a kind, warm vibe!!!! listen binch i lov u!!! and i hope ur 2018 is as wonderful as u are i rly mean that!!!! 

💌  @raplinesgf hi gio!!!! we only recently became mutuals but im SOOO glad we did bc i love u and ur blog soooooo much!!!! i truly hope your 2018 is full of love, warmth and happiness bc that’s what u deserve !!!!! also!!!!! UR RED HAIR IS SO GORGEOUS!!!! 

💌  @deletaed hi kris!!!! let me Not lie i’ve been admiring u from afar for a while now!! i think youre a really great person and pls know that i love u and ur blog a whole lot!!! im sending u lots of happy positive vibes for 2018, u deserve to have an amazin year!!

🎀🌹💓💗💖✨💕a few honourable mentions (i love u guys a lot!!!!! i could honesly write a cute lil paragrpah about u all but if im being honest ive ran out of steam at this point lmao !!!!! ur blogs are amazing and honestly brighten up my day!!!! i’d love to get to know u all better in 2018!!!! pls hmu any time !!!!!!! lov u!!!!!)🎀🌹💓💗💖✨💕 

@etudehaus @spicekook @1honeyoongi @jjkboo @ohjiminn @1taesgf @wvaterlily @hqjeons @repackages @taelilies @lovlesbians @9yoong @peachiichiim @acciosugas @parkjimin2 @dwjjk @milklattaes @ilyjimn @yyouth @jurassicjimin @lipsmp3 @taev-gucci @gayminyoongi @taetle @pjmin @lovelytaeh @6apricorn @01nochu @rosyhoseok @mitaesoro @christmasyoong @princessyoongi

[byunbells]

11 Questions Tag

Rules:

Post the rules

Answer the questions given to you by the tagger.

Write 11 questions of your own

Tag 11 people

I was tagged by @vanillabyun @freckledksoo and @ratbyun thank u loves !! <3

This is super long so its all under the cut!

Questions from @vanillabyun (im screeching u did 12 questions on accident dw ill answer them all)

1. What is your middle name?

lol its Nicole <3

2. Favorite season?

FALL!

3. Favorite EXO album or repackage?

its complicated.... i would say the lmr repackage but i feel like power of music is abt to destroy that so ??

4. If you could only spend the rest of your life surrounded by one other person, who would it be?

I was gonna b sentimental and say my mom but...... bbh

5. Breakfast for dinner or dinner for breakfast?

ahhhh it depends on what the food is oops i dont eat breakfast ever so i would probably go with breakfast 4 dinner

6.  A place you want to visit?

I’ve already been but my favorite place to visit is Paris (im a hoe 4 history)

7. What would you change your name to if you had the chance?

honestly? would just change my name to my middle name (nicole) mostly so ppl dont ask me what gwen is short for anymore (its not short for anything)

8. You biggest dream? 

realistically... being able to travel as much as i want n have money i guess. the biggest dream is me snuggled up on a couch with hot chocolate while bbh plays the piano and sings 4 me tho

9. You favorite dessert? 

cheesecake! or anything mango flavored 

10. Movies or dramas?

dramas! I’ve never rly liked movies bc I dont get attached to the characters

11. Favorite color?

dark shades of purple.. i feel like purple is underappreciated

12. The eve or artificial love?

i would say the eve, but i’m a fake and artificial love is probably my most played exo song to date so idk

Questions from @freckledksoo

1. How did you get into exo? 

I slept on them until lmr comeback and then cried over the album until Ex’act came out and then i joined the fandom... the #1 reason i got into exo though was bc of bbh (also jongin a lil bit) in call me baby so yeah

2. Favorite genre of music?

R&B, but i’ve gone through numerous alternative phases, pffft i only listen to exo atm tho

3. Are you an organized person? 

im that person who tries to be organized and is motivated by cleanliness and boxes to put ur pens in, but eventually it turns into chaos.. the only consistent organization i have is not leaving things on the floor

4. Most underrated exo song?

HEAVEN 

5. Who is your bias wrecker and why?

erm im the most loyal so i dont really have one, but ksoo. yixing and pcy are the members i cry about the most besides bbh

6. Do you believe in personality types, astrology etc?

i definitely believe in personality types and to some extent in astrology, but we shouldnt put expectations or judgements based on types or signs (sometimes ppl take it too far n its annoying)

7. Favorite thing to drink?

water!!!!! <3 im not healthy though im a fake

8. Growl or Call Me Baby?

growl.. bc i still get overexcited about it when it comes on n i do (a really bad version of) the dance

9. What are some of your talents/achievements?

i draw things sometimes and im in uni so thats an achievement i guess

10. Best and worst hairstyles on your bias?

this is impossible .... the best hairstyles on bbh were all the ones from exo’luxion and i have to say the worst was the perm from wolf, but lbr.. bbh can pull of any hairstyle

11. If you could pick one of the members to be your friend, who would it be?

besides the obvious answer of bbh... minseok or ksoo 

Questions from @ratbyun 

1. If you had to get any exact tattoo that a celebrity has, what would it be?

i just realized most celebrities dont have like.. any good tattoos? so i guess it would be some thing like that flower eyeball tattoo that brendon urie has.. but honestly not even that lmao

2. Washing dishes or folding clothes?

I used to love washing dishes but then i learnt how to fold clothes real fancy and since then i kinda like folding clothes.. but also..... i avoid both

3. If they already aren’t, would you think your ult would make a good leader?

i think bbh is better at setting the mood and making sure everyone is happy than keeping people under control.. so absolutely not. i also wouldnt want him to have to sacrifice any part of his personality to be a leader (bc his wild self is perfect)

4. What’s the first song in your music library? The last?

its alphabetic so its starts with 4 Walls and end with a Monsta X song with a korean title. but out of the playlist i actually listen to (not alphabetic) its starts with artificial love and end in hey mama!

5. If you had to choose one your favorite celebrity hairstyles to have for the rest of your life, what would you choose?

idk i really like my hair :( but so i guess whoever has a better version of my hair then.. long wavy dark brown/black hair and doesnt look like its dying of thirst

6. Would you ever get a face tattoo? If so, what would it be?

the closest i would probably get would be behind my ear n it would be like some boring flower thing or smth

7. You have a choice of two piercings on your whole body, what are they?

erm a regular ear piercing (i never had mine re pierced so i just dont wear earings lol) and a lip ring

8.  What is your laptop/phone bg?

pfft on my laptop its the group pic from kokobop and my phone lockscreen is bbh from that one recent magazine photoshoot i think and my homescreen is the bbh teaser photo 4 pom

9. Was the last thing you ate a meal or snack?

snack!! i ate popcorn

10. What song got you into your favorite band/group?

idk whether it would be call me baby or lmr, i dont really remember that well

11. Last movie you saw at the cinema? Rating?

Guardians of the Galaxy 2 i think 10/10

Now here’s the hard part where i have to make up questions...

1. Favorite solo/collab song from any exo member?

2. Favorite slow exo song? 

3. How many pillows do you sleep with?

4. Favorite disney movie?

5. How many albums and posters do you own?

6. Something about your ult that is underappreciated and you wish more people paid attention to?

7. Have any unpopular opinions about biases or ults? (Ex. bbh stans and mullets)

8. Do you like going to the beach during the day or at night (or not at all)?

9. What concerts have you been to?

10. If you had one day to spend with a person of your choice, who would it be and what would you do?

11. How often do you dream and what do you normally dream about?

I tag @oshnverse @poutydaes @squishy-do @94-hun @ylxlng @baekhyuneeeee-exo @ehanyeol @starsehun @royalyeol (totally not 11 people but its 3 am) sorry if u didnt want to be tagged, only do it if u want <3

[kwibu]

That's exactly what I'm talking about! I mean I know newer edition but Heroes III was the one. Hard to not love it when u spent half of your childhood with this game and second one with the sims lmao. Ohhh that's understandable, watching streamers often looks like that. I don't play Overwatch but some of my friends do and seeing this screen... I have no idea what's going on and I'm pretty good at keeping focus, sigh.

Blue Totoro didn’t look so bad so I guess it was fine! Ohhhh I’m curious now. My skills end on drawing and baking tho… And yes I did watch Laputa and I really like it (didn’t expect anything other from ghibli lmao). About that show tho! It’ll be called Wandavision I’m sure u can google it. It was announced ~2 weeks ago with Marvel’s 4th phase, so 100% confirmed. Colour of Magic is really fun, so! You definitely won’t regret it.

And h5 on that, I wasn’t able to focus on books for last year? I was too busy with everything else, uni especially. 40C god… It’s around 35C here this summer and I’m ready to cry I truly hate this weather from the bottom of my heart.I was actualy thinking about putting my sign’s flower! But I don’t think pansies look pretty enough. Violets are lovely tho, I’m still thinking about it because I need to choose different studio (they asked 750$ for like 5cm long thing and I died inside).

I love your moodboard, it’s so pretty! Thank you so much. I never tried to put flowers in my Carat Bong and now I’m thinking about it again… My bias line includes hyung line in overall so you don’t have to worry about changing it! Wonwoo looks great there. But Jeonghan is the very first one for me. NO CHARACTER LIMIT WOULD BE HELPFUL HERE but let’s never go back to smaller gifs… as you see I’m being a little late with answering too, but it’s fine! Answer whenever you feel like it!

Right! Sometimes the older versions are just better. I often feel like new version are either overcomplicated or oversimplified, sometimes one of the old versions just has that perfect balance and it’s sad when they fail to replicate that in a newer version. Like, Sims 3 went overcomplicated and AoE III went oversimplified. Still, it’s good they’re trying out new things so they can improve in the next version?

Yeahh Overwatch is a FPS too and those are just terrible to watch lmao. That and battle royale games. Simpler games can be fun to watch, but usually I’m too impatient. I prefer to play the games myself. 

Hold on, I’ll take photos for you.

Here’s Jiji:

And here’s the Totoro I’m working on:

Ohh you draw too? (Wait, did I know this?) What do you like to draw, and digitally or traditionally? Please show me some of your stuff after the reveal :D Lately I’m trying out digital drawing. I did Ten from NCT and am working on Prince Jun (of whom I did the sketch traditionally because that’s easier for me).

I used to sketch a lot with pencil and I love working with ink too but I haven’t done that in ages rip.

Ohh gosh I can’t believe my babies are getting their own show omg!! Thank u for telling me this!! The other series they’re making also look super fun. I think it was a good decision to make them series and not movies.

Let’s run away and go live somewhere cooler together. We can get a lil cottage and draw, embroider, bake and game in peace!

I think pansies are rly cute tbh, but of course the choice is up to you! Holy crap, 750?? For 5cm?? Dang. Yeah, might be better to find a different studio, tho at the same time if you really really like their designs it might be worth it to go anyway. (tho 750 is a lot)

I’m glad you liked it bb! ♥ Ohh you have a carat bong, nice! I bought one earlier this week after they announced the new ones. I thought I’d better get one before the prices go up because they won’t be manufactured anymore. And yeah, decorating it with flowers is so cute! Carats are so creative with them! What do you think of the new carat bong btw? Personally I prefer the first one, it was very clean and lovely and simple, but I know I’ll end up buying the new one too rip.

Ahh Jeonghan! Our mischievous angel! Did I ever tell you how much I love his voice?? It’s so unique and has such a lovely character, idk how to describe it. I really love his voice lots! And he’s so sneaky but at the same time so thoughtful! Also his broad shoulders *wheeze*

That’s okay! I love talking to you but I also understand if you don’t have the time or energy to send anything because I’m just the same (: I hope your weeks been lovely! ♥

(also i’ll have to take a look at the other missions but one mission every 3 days is so much omg)

[haeroniel-doliet]

thbleugh but what bich is gonna fight me for me

idk im just gonna rant again, im sorry if youre on mobile just like, give it a big flick and fly past this i tried i actually have a read more this time

anywy im feelin shitty an dumb n weird an its not fun?? like do we try categorize these feelings: 

1. i have 3 days to pass a course and all the course work i failed to do in fucking march 

1.b. all those emotions to do w unis great! but also ive been solow and sad and dysfunctional its not rly even funny, grades dropping many levels in half a year like. sure grades dont define my life but considering how easy it is for me to get those grades to see them consistently and kinda dramatically dropping isnt helping (even though like i actively know i got lower grades bc i didnt fucking attend class or take in any knowledge. i realise hahah im making a psychology reference bc im a smart psychology uni student.... hmh oh yeah we, we learned about this, i dont know it. my peers do. oh. oh i didnt, i didnt learn anything. oh no. im here to learn abt the subject im supposedly loving and thats the best fit for me bc like hell id be an artist. anyway i have a lot of shit down here i havent figured out who to talk it out to. the mental health advisor didnt have the time for it rly and w counsellors its been different topics but now were in summer and id rather spend the spare money i can rattle off my parents on ballet than a psyhc i could see 2 times best. im just gonna have to wait till septembet bc my dumb white wall subscitption expired too damnti. ugh im just, okay lets move on

2. inadequacy thats not justified? like it is obvs bc it bothers me and i know i can do better and i am better than this all and i clearly have smth stopping me. while to others im doing just fine if not better than them who are really struggling and kinda dont have sympathy for me who goes ‘ugh im doing so badly and struggling, i mean i write perfect essays in one go but its just so hard to do thattt and i know im smarter and better than this’ esp bc say putting words together in that way is difficult on them and not been good at school

2.b. like being good at school but noot being good now, classic phenomenon or has my school system always been the softes most coddliest and where in the normal or worse school 1would have performed average and maybe learned to study and the worth of it to do better, ive just been good enough that caring became so unnecessary i need to waste my time on pointless but constant other things. like youtube and rpchats. constant monotone stimulation for hours. andhours. 

2.c. asking for help bc im struggling w actually getting over the fuzzy and struggle and self hate and blegh feelings to do some work thatd allow me to pass the coursein my 3 days of the very last extended time. and then realising, ah either youve slaved over your work and stressed and panicked to have it good and on time and have no pity left for me and my foolishness, or you never got to uni/struggled to go to uni and think im wasting my opportunity by being an ungrateful lazy piece of hsit. and i know ia m. and 2.d. its the reason why im not doing extra volunteering or serious extra curriculars thatd give the headstart in my lfie. bc, even tho on one side i wanna be that kid and owuld scoff at ppl not doing it who are here for fun and get a degree on the side, rn i see it as not stealing away dedicated good peoples spots who deserve to get the extra recognition for being clever and independent, meanwhile knowing htat probablyill be just fine. worst case scenario for me is literally (ok theres worse but v unlikely) living w my parents and ending up at a mediocre service job to another mediocre office job or smth and never get to a lab bc i wasnt sufficient enough and i never got the cotton balls out of my head and cleared up again to be smart enogh

okay what next, shitty privilige, crying abt my cotton ball head or not being smart

3. okay were gonna do the smart first bc my chest hurts and i kinda feel like crying or smth abt it. like in a dumb (fun) chat im playing athena known for wisdom and all this shit, and though i can throw out a quip or two or cleverly use smth to keep the smartass wisdom stick going on, every now and then i realise how dumb i am and not smart enough that another person could clearly fill this in much better. like. you know all the hilarious posts abt mansplaining and women being pushed out of their fields by dumber men who think they know better bc the others a woman and like, yeah? things where they are confident enough to say, actually i am way smarter than you and i know this bettr. here i am feeling like even if i spent years researching smth i wouldnt have the confidence to feel smart and knowldegeable abt it. like rn, i cant even hold arguments anymore bc im a fool. and i come off as dumb and i dont want to be, i still wanna be the smart kid, but im not working my brain im not doing work or research or learning, im jsut floating by w my cotton ball head thats getting fuzzier and fuzzier and though i can do tasks and would probably b v compeittive if it came to that and need to prove myself as smart, i can no longer feel like id hold my own, esp when people poke holes so easily, trap falls, “hah you dont know what to say ive bested you you dumb bitch” vibey things i just. its horrible? i wanna be smart and be confident in my smartness and feel recognized as smart by other people and live up to that expectation of actually being clever. and not just, knowing im smart enough in some ways bc school ive  passed so easy w always good remarks and participate well in class discussion and all, and im sure nobody thinks im rly dumb bc if i have to ask things im v friendly and try to be attentive. and idk if nobodys expecting more than me, bc again if i cant answer ive developed to be v chill about it and come off as average i guess. 

anyways 4. privilige; like thers multiple inc. the fact im fucking finnish aka my education system was supposedly one of the best, i grew up international so i wasnt even confined to one shitty school in one shitty town, ive had varied school experiences and switching so much i think has given me confidence in myself and shit like that. also bc im finnish i get grants in uni, like free money. and so far i have barely had to use it bc surprise my parents are togther and decently well off bc they got lucky w a job being fancy ppl for 3 years and my older brother is already  adulting and slowly doing his own thing so i can have more money from them. aka. catch my dad paying all my rent and food and everything i need/ ask for on the condition we keep a good releationship. and im reasonable bc he raised me smart apparently idk. but that still means im living at home i have no intentions of becoming an independent home owner bc idk how i would esp since ill be with my parents most holidays for years to come and idk even when or how ill become a real adult being in a real home w real comapnionship. bc rn idk who im even gonna live with, hopefully be civil w them maybe even make a bit of friends but im not gonna have a significant other to move in and support me for a while bc thats a thing idk if were getting into today in this why im feeling shitty rant. 

4.b. so im priviliged in everyway to go to uni for free (damn i gotta apply for that again) in a nice country and a nice and supportive school and get funding from both my parents and my country and not worry abt money and just get a degree all supported and babied again. im also, idk. priviliged bc, fuck writing comes easy to me, i know nayone reading my rants would be like... yeah this is barely legible and terrible writted and mind blurts so i say it is yes bc its mind blurts but i can organise my htoughts into fancy essays surprisingly easy and critical stuff like psych and english came  mad easy to an extent. sure, i wasnt talented in math but i still made it, i am not talented in science but sometimes the concepts click and i can . but then, im also talented in art. and im not ashamed to say its privilige disposition or talent or smth, bc damn. i do not practice or dedicate enough love to claim that. sure, ive drawn always, sure, ive practiced more as a kid thatn other kids and thats probably carried me thru pretty far, but i think ive just had a natural disposition to be good at art technique (creativity maybe not so, or inspiration) but i know what looks good and sometimes how to achieve that. cue montage to art class where i sit w my friends who are talking about bands or making outlines w nut shells bc there i am beside them doing the work in half the time twice as good. mostly bc the teacher wasnt great and would assign essentially copying a picture from a4 to a2 u know like drawing the same thing. and thats not easy. and youre supposed to build up really light layers and slowly refine it.  and ppl who listened only ended up w shitty light drawings that either look like potatoes or vaguely like the picture, while i with boosting confidence would go, we only do one super light sketch one medium sketch and one dark layer. bc by the medium one everything is in its place and looks abt like everyone elses and i need the dark hues to show it accurately even if it isnt perfect, and my work would like almost always stand out on the wall bc it was so different/advanced. i wont lie it influenced my friends to not draw as well or as much sitting next to me, and ofc id feel bad and i could never boast bc i felt bad that they didnt try bc they saw me, thought mines not gonna be like that so im just gonna fuck around and do whatever. and i obvs needed praise but would always feel bad bc it was obviously me who was the best in that class and its so self conceited but, it kinda just was true in that small class half of whom didnt want to be there. me butt kissin and trying to impress myself w my skill. catch like, that first day he asked us to draw the person next to us, and i made my partner draw me first, bc i just knew if i went first theyd look at it and draw me a potato stick figure in 5 seconds and say i cant draw like you. and true. while the rest of the class made sketchy circle guys, some looing so childish, here i went and said, okay i find it awkward having you stare at me and if  you move a lot it makes it harder to be accurate, so, like take out your phone and get comfortable and look down at that for a while hence drawing3/4 unlike anyone else w eyes cast down and damn if i dont remember it being beautiful and identifiable as that friend, even tho the teacher told ppl around me like, ah yes she did it this way, 3/4 not face on which is much easier. which is true but bitch you never said. sides it looks so much better and was so much less frustrating. anyway, even now in that chat i go and like drop my drawings in bc partially i just wanna draw more and showing people makes me draw? u know. and i kinda wanna get compliments. but ive figured im pretty humble abt it. and sure i get comments that are like god i wish i could draw like that from someone that doesnt draw arms or legs and theyre v bublehead cartoon. and im like. you could. but yours is still middle school level, so just, keep working at it, get confidence to break your mold. 

that andtheres this one chick that,,,, gawd, well they admit to being a sociopath in chat which is great and seem real attention seekery in general (theres a surprising amount of people, while in midst of rp and getting compliments go “well i guess im a shit rpr because nobody wants to rp with me ://) post art and then be like dramatically UGH i hate it it looks so bad im terrible at art, literally poster girl for fishing for compliments. and even if i dont like the style at all, i try give in anatomical pointers or smth abt the drapery or smth technical i can complement. bc id want the same i guess? and i dont love let alone like the art itself. and then, while getting so many of those theyre like “yeah well nobody likes my art, say it reminds them of this character (jessica rabbit while all hers have big hips big tits tiny waists massive lips massive eye, but just one eye bc the otehrs covered by hair like theres obvious similarities) which means im totally not original like i thought so why even try!” and other melodramatic things that i can argue, but they dont wanna hear it they want attention and praise and i just ughhh i could preach you about how no art is original and its all from influence, or how someone doesnt have to like your style to appreciate it, or someone might love your style and like. basic stuff ive figured out myself. and it gets frustrating trying not to get a superiority, or to start shoving my own art in there to try compete or smth. and its just. hard. idk. id k. i know theres people who are averse to art and never tried to be good at it who are obvs gonna be omg thats so good i cant even draw and ill be like, hah yeah sure dude if you tried maybe btut thanks. 

also drawing man its so weird, whenever i see someone elses drawing a part of me goes “we must draw so that we can show were better than that” like, either to get complimetns and shift it to me? or to just show them off. to be like. i can do it better. which i kinda hate about myself? that i draw mostly bc of that and a need to show off? like amxxs art or smth, them talking like yeahh ugly art is good art, drawing is so healing i feel great or im so proud of myself for improivng so much look at my art, and a part of me goes, awh yes! my theorys proven working on art for yourself improves and can cheer you up, another goes, yesnow i must draw to show how good i am and show how i too feel fulfilled by drawing but also make it about me by weeping how i hate drawing myself. literally smths wrong w me seeing others pot abt their midrift, or learning to accept their curves or drawing themselves or smth, and theres a gremlin of me going like yeah but i cant draw myself bc i tried once and it looks like shit and ill only highlight my flaws and im slightly afraid of someone saying it looks exactly like me or other dumb shit, or i dont have curves to accept bcim not big hip big thic thigh girl im just. my legs are big but mostly ugly bc of the skin on them not bc of their size (ankles tho oof) and i have no hips i have no butt bc it allwent to my stoamch thats also ugly and my broad   badly postured back thats also ugly w these spots and marks and scars soon probably. and saggy boobs dont forget those. bc theyre literally fat sacks aiming for the ground i guess. anyway. no cute curves,  no beautiful skin no nth its just tough and i cant help but feel the negativity towards myself in almost every glimpse of someone elses positivity. i dont always air it which would be horrible of me to do, but its still there. making their happiness about my misery. maxx loves their boyfriend?> i hate them bc i dont like him and its rining it> i hate them havingsuch a dreamy but fake seeming ‘soulmate’ relationship bc its not true and i think itll end up terribly> im neveer gonna have that and im jealous of them i guess having someone theyd dedicate so much to and who loves them so much theyre all over the place making sappy things> well theyre an oveer romantic whod do it over the smallest things this wasnt a great example. 

anyway yeah extra note, even if i felt comfortable enough for sex im not comfortable enough in my body for that and idk how thats relevant to anything but i guess thats smth id also talk w a therapist abt whod probably tell me, then dont have sex! like yeah thats my plan.but im talking never gonna be able to form a relationship bc even having a friend for a sleepover makes me uncomfortable having them see me in an uncontrolled clothed position. u feel. 

anyway i have a lot of little problems that amount and i guess when i start addressing one the rest pop up their ugly heads and this is why i never getanywhere. this all comes from  how shitty i feel from how i have literally not even 3 full days to complete those tasks and pass, and i know i need to, though nothing in me actually feels like itll actually do the work u know, that spiraled through that chat into privilige of being at school and how i should tryy a bit that turned to im priviliged to be smart to pass and in my talent in art despite not being an artist that spiraled to another way i disliked myself and thats my fucked relations to myself my body and relationships (esp including me that dont exist)  

side note, though no surprise if for some ungodly reason youve read this shit i wrote at 8.30 am when i have a docs appointment abt my very ugly skin at 12.45 i over share. easily. if somseone asks id give them all. look at this. even in that chat i spiraled from, hah fun fucked up thing im almost failing my course bc im a shit, to my  heads filled with fuzz and i hate that i cant live up to my potentia. and im surprised how much i like this one guy, though who with his character ripped into my athena and make me question all my smartness, really makes me feel better ooc??? like theyre genuinely nice and just too informed and funny and playing the dick for a very well thought out reason (drunk doesnt mean it etc) and while the sociopath gal is giving me the side eye after they tried to help but figured out im a prviliged kid whos in school for free and not making the most of it and how easy school has been forme when for them despite their hard efforts they failed high school.u know not reallly helping kinda making me fele worse bc i know i should be doing better and could be and not only bc i have a priviliged opportuntity to and ability, i would benefit so much more if i did it for myself. but here comes by weird guy who slips on a freudian approach and claims they love helping ppl through their problems so i drop another overshare paragraph if he rly wanted to help but lighten it by taking thetopic off, he doesnt return and never address my post bc now its onto talking abt the big rp thing. im not mad. i just, idk i kinda wanted their support, another poor stranger to inflict w my extremely troubled wordy lengthy and i guess complex thoughts and feelings and lack there of sometimes and other shit. 

anyway im not doing great but im gonna grab 3 hrs of sleep before the doc, come back, nap, go to ballet again, come back, ad.... do smth.. work. maybe. one can hope. i hate it will it actually work only time can tell and i hate myself already.ugh. i hate i hate im not okya with this why cant someone else deal w me for me. deal with all these feelings and botherings and make me do my work and be satisfied doing it and do it all in time and feel a little success and reward myself like i should for work done and not just when i want. idk. someone,t ake over my life, you might be better at it. help me dela with school that i currently hate the most even if im meant to end up a scholar or smth

[haeroniel-doliet]

dwhos here for another raaaaaant (vent)? topic is friendships but lets see where thisll go! waheyy let us insert the read more. 

kayokay okay welcome youre gonna regret this; if you havent read through my shitty vents before prepare for ilegibility and thought trains going all over the place and references to things and people youll never know okay great you got off this train? cool gives me more power to crash it see ya. 

okay where do we even begin, oh lets go wild and push out a couple topics first. one is; how shit has improved being uni and how everything seems awful brighter now; why it hasnt actually improved and im lonely as ever; how lonely have i always been; but am i really lonely or just think i should have more bc expectations; why im like this and cannot form relationships

lets start with a bit of a history dive eh eh this is what youre here for, me oversharing my life to nobody thatll read it but come on anyway bc one of the reasons i even fucking do these is because; ironically enough; i have no friends to vent this to!! nobody who actually gives a shit!! and even if they did i have a lot more words and confused thoughts to write out here that would just be really mean to inflict on someone else. 

ok so, classically as a kid ive almost grown as an only child, obviously have a big bro of 7 yrs older that i never formed more of a bond to than the one we share by sharing a family. aka we barely talk. but like i know he doesnt hate me i guess? ok im not gonna go there. its a weird mess. but. all childhood was mostly me playin by myself bc our family friends had kids his age not mine, and we moved around a bunch too and people came in and out, i guess i made ‘best friends’ pretty easily, but none stuck around longer than a year maybe 2-3. bc thats how life was and as a child i guess it wasnt a bother bc hey, let me be friends with everyone! oh but protective parents also mean mostly on my own. thats cool. im totally mature to be sitting at the adults table (there was no kids table) well early at 6-7. mhmmm 

lemme return to finland and start being an early awkward preteen! oh ill be friends with everyone! oh. everyone already has their best friend or best friend group? oh i get left on the playground alone ‘playing the dog at home while they go shopping okay playground games were lame but whaddyou do’ aight cool im okay with this theyre all my friends and im gona draw you all to make friends and nobody like actually bullies me or thinks im weird i guess, anyway school work. oh okay ill make best friends w my neighbour bc were only 7 days apart in age and thats crazy!! i guess we also make friends with lil girls next door bc were 10- 12 and thats what u do. sure. i feel rather criticised by my so called bff bc. we are not on the same wavelength, i feel dumb, im never as funny even if they are hilarious to me, i do gross things w out thinking (imagine having to be told by your friend that you need to buy deodorant when you never thought abt it) and like a bunch of other stuff like not picking up on social cues they dont wanna hang out with me or they dont think looking at funny pictures on the phone is fun... oh okay i mean i guess theyre way better than me but were still friends right? uh yeah. 

okay lets take a gap and go to uk, oh wow, SHIT people actually miss me at home?? im making friends with all these kids in my neighbourhood! oh i can be like the movies where they go down the street and hang out and have movienights awesome! who this is the best! fucking halloween w other 13 yr olds?? having hobbies w them? walking to the bus together and home together?? mad. wild. friends. lets ignore the school consisting of pricks and the only time in my school career ive gotten bullied. like classic bullying. pens thrown at me, butt touched, skirt lifted, name called, teasing my ‘naivety’ (do you work at the dildo factory? haahah. are you frigid? would you have sex with me if i bought you a burger?) oh 13-14 yr olds....  ok no its a wild really good and really shit year combined into an okay year. let me just return home and promise to keep in touch and really very barely keep in touch with any of them. thanks instagram for enabling minimal contact and keeping up w each other. 

(also back then made my first post cryin to tumblr oh why cant i have tumblr besties like everyone else seems to, please someone be my internet buddy! lucky enough actually talked to Amelia a lot, though...... 14 yr old and abt 20 smth. but we played minecraft together and made two shit youtube videos of our competition participation like. you were a good friend to me. never pushed it too far and i really liked having a mature friend. such a shame you seem to have disappeared off the internet (anywehre i know how to reach you) bc hell, i would not have been opposed to meeting you finally irl at fuckin mcm like i always kinda wanted to bc i saw ppl online do, anyway i hope ur life is good and thanks) 

kay so, finally back home weve all moved past the best friend cliques okay okay my class is actually fuckin rad like whaddu you know i dont have to aggressively swear and avoid hugs anymore (self defence from that shitty year) but actually have all these wholesome friends, ofc there were stronger relationships between some people but! i was included. i felt good. it was good. i figured out this being everyones friend thing. im a proper teen now eh. oh but i still had my best friend (briefly moirail) maxx! talking everyday at least for least half an hour if not more, skype calls... watching movies together... sending shit to canada and that one mail i got from you and planning so hard a visit there, even if it felt unrealistic. maybe even spending too much time on you and not making as many connections to my class friends as i could have, u know. stuck on my phone to always be available to you. making you more important. dunno how often id talk thru a crisis in class or however late at night bc, i wanted to be there for you! i loved being needed and being an important piece in moving thru tough times. sure detrimental maybe irl but i was being too much online anyway which i still do but were not there yet. besides, that relationship has had a bit of a roller coaster in the past nearly4 yrs (is it more?) shit that started from an rp and then slowly talking more to being moirails to being the tightest best friends “momma” and all, to your irl friends breaking it up slowly, then a boyfriend really took oyur time and we didnt talk daily lt alone ever get to call bc... shit. okay but i was friends with your boyfriend and though i saw it wouldnt last i was okay with it, like right cool thats teh boyfriend and im the bestfriend. im still involved. yeah man. oh you broke up and now talk more to me! fuck yeah. ill take your side in this regardless. lets get close again even if its not quite the same. i try join your cosplay groups though i cant help feeling me joining killed them, and i followed some you were passionate on! drew all those rad characters of you and your friends to feel adequate and appreciated. then you ad your drama, hated this kid and i wasnt even rly involved. all of a sudden, tight friends, oh i get to be in a chat w you both and a rad other person i had a mild crush on! rad. hell yeah. ive never been in a groupchat like this! this is great i love it. and the vikings came up. and your new friend left bc i was a cis girl and he has problems and could not deal with me not agreeing with his shit argument. (about my countrys history!!)  anyway. they make their groupchat, groupchats die. oh. great i ruined it. okay. i no longer know whats in your life.... oh youre best friends now? i kind of have to bug you to even get added to your ‘friends page’ as dumb as it is. i get knocked right aside as hes the bff and the greatest sweetest person ever even though he still seems like a major dick and even your cool older friend agrees with me..... a load of bullshit and weve drawn apart to barely talking once a week and ive still sent you many gifts bc i think its great! until.  yeah i wasnt gonna send anymore till you promised to set me up with cosplay pieces for christmas and i freak out to send you smth in return (never got more than measurements from me, and due to shit timing i didnt even get to be there for you opening the presents which fuckin ruined it) but whats this? a year on im fucking coming to america and conviced my parents to also go to canada???? fucking insane. still we dont talk much, the plans werent like i expected but i met you and the cool older friend! amazing! it happened! youre real! i brought you more gifts and i got pictures with you and its, it doesnt feel real still. i keep the fucking bus ticket i took from toronto to guelph to remind me. sure i didnt like get much from you back and thats kay different monetary situations and all and yeah. wild. oh but we still barely talk after? no its ok i get it youre not that good with texting people anymore (even if you kept texting you bff while i was there.... like. maybe he was having a crisis i can understand but... please you barely talk to me anymore and now amazingly im there and. you still talk to him a lot. okay...)  ‘ew were not dating were just best friends!” a month later becomes ‘this is my boyfriend and bff i love him more than anything else in the world” ‘oh but hes absolutely a huge mean prick who is super self centered and manipulative,’ and i guess you needed to feel needed like i did and dedicated everything to this shitstorm of a human but. okay... weve drifted apart further, till i demanded thru to your discord (not even active anywhere else) and try damn hard to still talk to you. but its just not genuine. i wanna talk abt important shit to me and worries about myself, but life is difficult on you and i dont feel like you do the same to me so i cant. is it no longer part of our relationship? i guess) 

anyway chapter; who the fuck cares; why i feel i can open up to internet friends more than irl ones;;coming up, the other irl exploits after 9th grade. 

internet friends are based on talking over text and emotions that come up in the moment and contacting them whenever. with irl people, ive always set a sort of boundary that like. our quota of talking is irl. i might message you online but its strictly related to irl things or smth we discussed irl, u feel? even then i mostly never message anyone (thank the two friends in uni ive talked to more than anyone else) but still. theyre people i will unload burdens to IRL when im sitting with them for hours talking about our fucked up relationships with things and life and thats beautiful. but its not consistent through life? like rn all this shit. i cant just go and vent tto you (i guess i could but who knows if youre mad busy and needa be up early tomorrow or are already sleeping or have other shit on your mind, let alone would be offednede by me being so explicit abt me feelings w friendship u being my friend.) anyway, internet friends have broken that and sometimes i talk abt dumb shit ive seen that remind me of them or i wanna get a reaction from someone about and sometimes this bullshit. but more recently, (my discord has fuckin 3 ppl) i cant. i mean. idk if ever could and now theyre just being better w themselves but i cant? Ana tries being a friend and a good online friend but. i cant take it any deeper than like, look how cool this is! yeah that is cool bc theyre exhausted and dont wanna deal w others bullshit and dont want me to deal with theirs bc theyre online to avoid it. all of which i understand but. its kind of hard to deal with. like. youre currently only passionate about your gays in southpark. two things i dont care bout jack shit (actually hate south park idec) and then your response to me just like contemplating quizzes or the way i felt in the mirror at ballet or like smth that comes up to me when im talking abt normal shit, i get an ok, i dk how to respond or, i dont really care. and wildly i love the honesty, and glad to have lines drawn for me when i dont see them, but it always feels like a smack in the face regardless. having stepped out of line and not having realised and stopped before they had to tell me to stop. like it was w that old neighbour bff. i could never tell when she wanted me to leave her alone or smth bc i was having fun! but shed be tired of it and it just. always hurt realising i was too wrapped up in emotion and myself to realise i was annoying or overstepping boundaries and im still terribly self concious about it bc i feel terrible being a bad person like that! i wanna be the perfect friend.ugh. 

the other people on my discord are maxx and the cool older canadian dan, who still is rly cool and admirable. and i feel bad. bc when i first got the dumb thing i talked to him like adults! yea! talked abt maxx and a bit of college and a bit of life and like. it was good! he said good night friend <3 which is like!!! the most wild and exciting thing it fuckin exhilirates me to be called friend in converstion like please fuck validate me being your friend!!!! (god isnt that sad and basically gonna sum up this whole thing) anyway recently im sure things have been sad or busy or hes just that kinda person but my last 4? attempts for convo have gotten no response, even when hes online (supposedly when its ok to message him) and i no longer want to say anything unless its smth im sure id get a response to. bc then im just buggering and annoying the poor guy and become annoying. (even if hes said he doesnt mind and thinks im a great person. i hope) and maxx u know. i can message, and i do, and now more than in a rly long time i- oh my god i get responses!! still they cut short. theres no, hey sorry i dont care or, hey i gotta go, or hey i dont wanna talk abt this, just. no more responses. and i guess my conversational skills are rusty and i havent written anything thatd get an easy response from them! (but stilll, should talking to friends rly require you to formulate conversation starters and talk in a way that doesnt provoke too much but is just easy enough for them to respond briefly and with no investment to make talking to me easy as possible? idk even iguess? maybe im shit at having friends and thats why i have none. shush.)

okay lets head back to irl. high school was shitty weird thing, around 10 ppl in class and i only made friends w 3? got bullied for a good couple days on a trip by 1 and another class person. terrible trying to make friends and keep friendly with everyone in a tiny school but i managed and alls good, and even still, just made friends with the most compatible people, not sure if id have been friends with otherwise. one a nervous wreck of a boy that the teacher tried to like ‘ship us together with’ but while he had a girlfriend and we managed to keep conversation joking and chill (as it should be and i made good sure of it) it was fine, he still like i a very girlfriend oriented person and i guess doesnt chat much online w other girls? im cool with it, a couple snap updates on life here an there its whatever. youre an anxious person anyway and we dont always like. work as friends. another was from japan, who id decieded to make a friend if only to have a friend in japan to visit and to teach me a bit (and teach us to make food! okay im so glad we were friends) and at school it was great enough. helped her get confident in speaking english and correcting work and sitting together at lunch and hanging out outside of school on the rare occasion schedules lined up was fab! i actually am gonna miss her. even if we werent close. and i feel bad bc idk if she wants to keep in contact, and i really suppose i should just aim to write her like a text once a month or so to keep in touch thatd be good, cover that. keep up english and so on. maybe (ps old friends from childhood pop up every now and then on social media and have the rare chat which is quite nice actually! even if im not active or keep them updated, some realtionships i like to leave lukewarm and not hateful but smth thats easy to catch up with if opportunity comes up. i actually can do that quite a lot, make good conversation and feel friendly and make acquaintances. i just. have no idea how to push them to proper active friendships (it just happens sometimes by accident) and no absolute clue how to make htat into a very close “bff we share everything i can message you whenever” kinda relationship classic media like facebook portrays idk. do i need it? i guess not but i kinda wanna know what thats like bc relationships are not a thing for me. lets make that its own paragraph) oh but also on old school friends my frustration of a few days, just. a friend that is the easiest to keep in touch with bc they intitiate and have time and want to do things, but god its annoying and i dont like them. our humours dont align and i feel judged and criticised and like. idk. dont feel great w them. theres moments of like genuine “im glad i met you bc i would have switched schools otherwise” from her and a jar of reminders why were friends and some good memories, but its just. she drains me. and i dont wanna talk deep w her. and though to some other friend it seems like we are heckin dating in secret bc of how comfortable we are and how much we end up communicating to organise things, uhm were not. i wouldnt date her ever im sorry. struggling to stay friends and have it fade to the background amicably before i do or say smth wrong and fuck it up. anyway its just bugging me and i hate it bc i feel bad for her and bad for myself and its just a mess that i dont wanna deal with that mucheven if i talked my parents ear off about it.

ok intermission to parents. in a way no. no fuck they are not my friends. my mom will never be my best friend and i dont think they want that either,being classic parents and allbut i guess, sometimes when i get past the ugh youll never understand youre so god damn annoying!! teenage phase my brain still has, i do talk to them about a lot of things that upset me, bc unlike friends, they cant decide not to care about me or stop talking to me u know. i have vented about shit practices that have really tested my self worth and lack of emotions (remind sobbing like a bitch with a mud covered ass walking home from a terrible skating practice and falling in the rain) and mom comforting thru it. mind telling them all the pent up feelings abt flatmates and analysing them to her like”well shes rly nice and we talk abt this and this but i cant help but feel she doesnt really wanna talk to me and also they didnt wanna hang out and they keep leaving their dishes and told me to clean mine but they did this and that and....” i never talk about internet friends or a lot abt other things bc. not relevant and i dont think id hear what i wanna hear. but im kinda glad i still can do that and vent to them abt like real life things and things that upset me even if its not exhaustive and i cant do everything and they dont fill the gap of this “true best friend” i have emulated. but thats a point of why im not rly lonely. bc i have outlets to a lot of these needs that im not missing it all . just dont have it all in one person or even a small group of ppl.

wht next. oh remind me to come back to group things online. anyway lets give uni a try. so weve talked abt my two impressive friends irl who take the same course as me and kind of have dragged me thru and have gone to hobbies w me and hung out w me for hours and actually come to visist me in london an been cool? yeah theyre pretty rad people and very smart and im glad theyre in my life. even if w al the ranting im not comfortable messaging them all hours of the night to talk abt all my insecuritites and thoughts and problems u know. and one is dating and both have flatmate drama and other groups of friends and tho theyre friends between each other we dont like. make the ultimate trio which is why were not moving in together ( also reminder to being called the 3 musketeers w my high school two gals bc we were seein kinda doing everything together (in school) by me sticking us all together with my “i need to feel validated with friends” glue. that was quite nice.) 

but like in uni, ive said it to a lot of people. its amazing. ive never been happier knowing this many people. i dont make drama, i almost never get included in any drama so all i get are friends!!! and having flatmates, and flatmates friends, and class mates, and people ive just met , and hobby friends i just knew so many people thatd be friendly to me and even smile at me in passing it feels great man. having multiple group hobbies and socials to go to (even if i dont drink much and its not like were partying) it feels good man. i want more of this next term now that i have no”i dont know anyone there” excuses. god i love it. i love waving to people i know, i love getting a ride from someone to go hang out t another friends place and people knowing me by name and caring about my presence! (though not too much, like nobody would miss me i guess, but i still have more of a place to carve and i cant say for sure that they did not notice me missing) anyway archery has been terrbily wholesome and one of the best things ive invested time into and im sad some of the happy faces there are leaving this summer....... and sure none of these friends have gone even to proper hugging levels, let alone talking together without a group of people or god, messaging privately if not strictly club stuff (ok theres like, a couple, one that im delighted about and cant wait to hang w in finland even tho theyre cooler than me)  but u know, same problem w. hm were friends within this hobby group. were not like. actually friends outside of this and wouldnt hang outside of it. uh. yeah. dont rly have that many that kinda friends..... just 2 in fact. ill work on that.... 

side note, i try joining in online groups like mxrp discords, and an odd skype chat for homestuck cosplayers. but its kinda the worst. i dont mind observing and reading in and commenting in my head and rarely actually participating tho nobody knows who i am, but like. nobody knows who i am or cares if im there at all. and its kind of a not great feeling. im not needed or wanted here. they just dont mind me being there u know. idk wht to do with those feelings. i dont really wanna make myself obnoxiously present and make people remember and want to talk to me and actually become immersed in it, bc these dont seem like that great people idk. i guess im too  ‘mature’ to just go omg i love you an all that. 

anyway lets dive into hmmmmmm  why am i still lonely? funny question eh. its because i have no consistent close relationships with anyone. have i ever? maxx was closest but i guess nawh here we are. i can get close to u in a night of just talking for hours but. if it doesnt carry through consistently does it count? i have a couple people to message when im delighted abt smth (heck even post to snapchat to get those lukewarm friendships to be reminded of me) and i have my parents to be sad to about a certain category of things that i share w them (like hobby frustrations and friends theyve met frustrations, and some body upset) i have this hunk of friends in uni i can hang out and chill with and will continue making better friends with gladly. im not an isolated herrmit (all the time) nor do i think im socially despicable. im just. normal. online ive felt more and more as much as i spend my entire day online w all these things im not an internet person??im not always posting on social media, im not always talking to 10 ppl at once, im not writing or creating media, im not consuming other than youtube actually, (like i dont watch shows u knw) , all i do is rp when i muster the strength and hang out lukewarm on tumblr posting rants and reblogging pretty and fun things, not getting involved much. not a fan of anything, not obsessed w anything, not overtly gay ( i dont even know what i am but girls are pretty and sex and relationships get gross as soon as you add me into the picture) and not an exciting personality. hell. i currently fuckin like ballet and archery and like. thats about it. (also hahahhahh catch me going down the abc list of hobbies, aikido, archery, badminton (w archery ppl) ballet. what next. cricket? crochet... cooking? dance (ballet) fencing gaming (hah no), hockey? ice skating ( im already doing it) like look at me anyway shh) im not trans and i dont feel gay enough to fit in (what a rant that is, but im just ignoring it for now) im so boring. too reational, too uninvolved, too unopinionated/have an opinion but prefer to keep quiet and at peace. i guess this is what normal people are like off the internet. and ill just deal with it. but how normal people fill the gap are these ridiculously idealistic bff groups that i clearly dunno how to achieve, and uh. relationships.

so i can foresee a future where an imaginative foggy figure will care about me so much and want to hear all these rants and talk about all my wild thoughts with me and love me and remind me of it and be happy around me and think im funny and make me feel good and loved and better than i am and be someone i love being aorund constantly and wont have to feel self concious with or like i need to be putting on the front that is not gross and is a lovely sociable person. like i doubt they even exist. the kind im specifically thinking off thatll make life a sunset gold and unbelievably happy and good. ill save that sunset gold feeling to my dream future, one in which im happy with my body and personality and have that shadowy figure that makes me all whole and better than im alone and all these pets and animals that i love and love me and plants and color and art and whimsical decorations and yknow. i see it in my head. it feels real good. i kinda wanna see if itll actually happen. it just. it feels so fuzzy and warm and i would love for that actually be real and look back on this and be like. i have it. everythings complete. we can dream. i might get it when im grey and old and all alone but found smth that makes it that good. anyway im not discounting that there might be ‘the one’ in that future, the perfect one. but. i still doubt in the present when or if ill ever meet them let alone if i do htat anything would happen. ive never ever dated anyone or even come close to it. i dont understand how people just, end up in relationships or almost always have one, and i guess im not trying to bc idk if i want it-  idk if im ready for it, but its a weird one ill tell u. i feel with this perfect imaginary figures all these bad feelings would go away and i could talk about them and someone help me fix them and become more and better than my thoughts. but i dont wanna look for one. i dont wanna experiment in relationships so that im ready and wont fuck it up when the one comes bc, its horrendous and stressful and im gross! im not dating material. nah. and obviously nobodys tried to date me so were all on the same page. honestly once i sort out the other things wrong w me, i might just get to therapy for this shit. like. why are relationships such a shit concept to me and like why and how do i deal with it without just saying fuck it relationshipss are not for me. i have no doubt ill keep making connections and friends throughout my life in all different random places, but im actually... kinda afraid none will stick around. if i cant form consistent strong friendships theyre al gonna fade away and ill have nobody when i need someone. having that one solid person would really help bc theyre there thick and thin i guess aparently. i have myself, but considering what a mess i am idk if thats enough at all. i think i should change myself an awful lot though before a relationship could happen. like. nobody wants a barely showering fat chubby in an awkwardway terrible skinned messy sad blabbery person. like. just a gross one. i gotta become so much better before i can even consider letting someone past to get this close i guess. i guess. these feelings are really not settling here and i feel off the rocker. like unsettled and uneasy. also i need to pee which is rly not helping feel less gross. that and my hair is nasty greasy bc rather than take a shower at a reasonable time i did.... nothing. and then i started writing this an hour, two hours ago? more? idk. 

kay then, we have reflected briefly while i was away on how fat and ugly i am and how hopeless considering ive been trying to finish a knitting project for my baby cousin and start drawing again or even just playing my old pokemon game (yknow summer vacay) things in the past few days. nawh. havent. even more productively i should have done actual exercise to build my stamina and make faster improvements in ballet and actually try and tackle the fat and ugly feeling in 8 weeks (but that like... requires diet control... which is hard?) and like o u know. finishing my fucking university course ive lied to everyone abt? ok lets be real i have passed the year and can move into the next w the credits i have and passed all the mandatory classes. but. i want/ need to pass this class. and i already forked out 30 pounds hopefully correctly to apply for a resubmission (more like first submission) of all these projects and its hard. considering in my hirearchy of shit that needs to be done (easiest most necessary first)  i havent even reached the first ladder of like washing my nasty hair. the ladder includes all the above projects and at the end of it is like completing that course (needs to be done by the end of the month u kno bitchh. u dont know how long its gonna take you cannot leave it to the last few days. and this other bulshit course idk if ill even get credit for completing late and dont know if i care but i guess i gotta do it anyway 

basically i just wanna d ie. thatd be nice. id not have to feel fat and stupid and worthless and discomfrot in my own skin and just. nasty and numb but bad all over. okay im really not feeling great bout now. but thanks to all the above weve realised i have nobody to talk to whod talk me out of these feelings and comfort me (let alone if im capable as a person to accept that considering theyd have to be very convicing to get past me going “mhmmm but youre wrong” ) 

anyway this has been terribland i havent achieved anything but feelin kinda bad. we have covered that ive never had proper friendships and that might be detrimental to me ever forming the kind of close companionship i seem to be missing, however at least i can make easy friends briefly and as such know im not a terrible person thru and thru that people hate. i just dont know how to cross that nd not be horribly annoying or how to find those kind of people bc shit and bullshit. do i need it? no i guess ill be fine. would it make my life better and more worth it? probably. id hope so. i mean it seems pretty important in human existence for there to be so damn many songs and movies and aboslutely everything focused around it. 

anyway. i know nobodys gonna finish reading this and i kinda hope i dont read back on this either. my cringey diary moments hidden under a readmore on tumblr. whats sadder.... tsk who wants to figure out how many words this all is? 

mhmmmm mmm 7 pages on word and 6059 words. damn gurl. no FUCKIN WONDer nobody wants to talk to me about my thoughts and feelings when they just erupt. bc even by erupt i mean a mild discomfort that im trying to pin down to a cause and an actual feeling so and so unsuccessfully.