#until then it's the start of the school year and the teacher that had my classroom before me didn't clean out any of the cabinets

[l0stvegas]

About twoish years ago I had this completely inscrutable dream where there was a new cardinal direction (like north, east, west, south) that suddenly started existing and was basically east but on a different directional plane. The name of the dimension/direction called “Crust”.

The way the Crust functioned was that the laws of physics changed where approximately 1 out of every 100 times something attempted to move east as relative to a compass, you’d accidentally cross into the Crust plane and be caught in a weird limbo dimension where your surroundings were a forever-looping snippet of whatever you last saw before entering the Crust. Think of how the infinite stairs in Super Mario 64 or how looping backgrounds in old cartoons like The Flintstones worked. Except, the further you descended into the Crust, the more your surroundings would gradually saturate and grow brighter until you were left with solid opaque white surroundings, and you would completely lose your sense of time and direction if you progressed too far.

This was an issue because the only way to escape the Crust was to move extremely fast westward and hope you could break “through” the crust back into regular reality, and you had to do so through the approximate point you entered the Crust. Some people would travel into the Crust for minutes or hours at a time not realizing they were in the Crust until they were inconveniently far from their starting point. There were even a few individuals who got presumably permanently lost in the Crust when they descended too far in to know how to navigate to their return point.

It got to a level where people in the dream were creating weird, deep-fried memes about how the Crust ruined their commute to work, which @/solsticeinstars and @/morrighancorbel on Twitter tried to make recreations of based on my description. There would be school classes cancelled because their teacher got Crusted and they couldn’t find a substitute in time, or truckers that went missing because they got Crusted while on their route and, tired from the road, didn’t realize they were in it until the point of no return.

I have nothing else to add this dream just haunts me and I needed to share it here

[seilon]

love when this is referred to as the gifted kid website. shockingly my mental disorders made me mentally disordered and school never really vibed with that so. couldn’t be me

[francy-sketches]

I'm gonna have to work on my final project non stop for like a month straight bc I procrastinated on it too much fuck my stupid baka life

[weezerlvr228]

flippin boobahs!

[reneesbooks]

The Knight of Lacuna Lake - Part 6

summary: Proteus takes charge as the new king of Raedora. tw for blood gore and violence

in the previous part: Rosaleen and Birdie are murdered by Levi, who flees, and Keelan is arrested for failing in his duty to protect Birdie. he is thrown into the Black Cell, but is comforted by a golden light sent by Maura.

intro post, part one, part two, part three, part four, part five

decided to throw the entire 10k word chapter at y'all and run.

taglist (ask to be added <3): @serenanymph @lyssa-ink @oh-no-another-idea @lena-rambles @ashen-crest @tragicbackstoryenjoyer @serpentarii @allianaavelinjackson @laurenisnot

Keelan isn't sure how long it's been when the golden light flickers and fizzles out. He hopes that it means that Maura is asleep, safe somewhere and able to rest. He tries to curl up on the floor in the inky blackness, but sleep won't come. He sees the blood on Birdie's floor, hanks of silver hair that Maura loved to braid into complex patterns stained horribly red. He tries to push the memory away but it refuses to leave, hovering in the darkness in front of him no matter how hard he squeezes his eyes shut.

He screams until his throat is raw, slamming his fists into the wall as Levi's face rises out of the blackness, his eyes the moment before he disappeared, the last time he saw him before he murdered Birdie. His hand on Keelan's shoulder, telling him encouragingly that he's been improving in his reading every day. Blue lightning at his fingers, anger in his eyes.

The golden light flickers weakly to life in front of Keelan's eyes, chasing away the vision of Levi. He sobs weakly, reaching out to grab hold of it. He tastes sweet peas and sunshine when his fingers touch it. He holds onto it, needing the comfort, the protection from the waves of crushing guilt and grief. Needing it to chase away the visions of Birdie's blood on the bedroom floor, just another life he couldn't save.

The light doesn't last long, or it doesn't feel long to Keelan—either way, he is drowning again in the darkness of the Black Cell, Birdie's laughter ringing in his ears. His arms ache with the weight of her, the familiar warmth of her falling asleep in his arms as he carries her to bed. That familiar warmth as he tucked her in only hours before she was dragged from that bed and slaughtered, sheared like the little lamb she had been.

His knuckles are wet with blood and his throat is dry from dehydration. There is a scrape of metal and a tray hits his ankles. He drops to his knees, fumbling blindly for whatever had been pushed into his cell. He finds a dry crust of bread barely bigger than his palm and a tin cup of water that has already spilled all over the tray. The bread scrapes his dry throat on the way down, but the remaining water in the cup soothes it. He pushes the tray back up against the door and a hand reaches through a hole in the door, the barest hint of light spilling through as the guard grabs the tray and quickly retreats.

He paces until his feet are wet with blood too, imagining that he can see Birdie running in front of him, laughing as he chases her. He tries to speak to her, beg her to forgive him, to grab hold of her and keep her from running straight into her fate, but she is always just out of reach. He always comes up empty-handed.

The golden light returns and he holds it against his chest and sobs. As it starts to fade again, he begs Maura to stay, even as he knows it is only fading as her energy does. He hates himself for being so selfish, and cries into the darkness when it inevitably returns.

It's an endless cycle, visions of Birdie and Levi and Maura and Rosaleen and blood, always blood, chasing him around the cell until the golden light chases them away. And the golden light's horrible, sputtering death each time, plunging him back into the darkness. He thinks he will die with the taste of sweet pea on his tongue, screaming alone in the endless shadows.

The captain of the royal guard is the one who opens the door and lets light spill into the cell for the last time. Maura's golden light hasn't been there for a while, so it takes Keelan's eyes a while to adjust. He's led, stumbling and barefoot, through the silent criminals watching from behind their cell bars. He hears one murmur a prayer and almost laughs.

There is already a small crowd forming outside the gates, near the newly-repaired platform. There is a new addition, a tall wooden post with a metal ring set into it seven feet up. Keelan sees one of the soldiers from the dungeons cleaning off a long willow switch and nearly stumbles. They'd called the willows near Leyne weeping willows, since the criminals whipped with their branches always wept by the third hit.

Fifty lashes with a willow switch. He really is going to wish he was dead.

The king is sitting under a canopy erected near the platform. Maura is nowhere to be seen, to Keelan's relief. He doesn't want her to see this. Not after everything else.

A scribe is reading out the charges—for his failure to protect the young princess and for letting the murderer escape, he is to receive fifty lashes. It is only by the mercy of the crown princess that he is not killed outright as a traitor to the throne.

They attach his shackles to the ring on the post and tear away the back of his shirt. He meets the king's eyes. They are cold.

“Begin whenever you are ready,” Proteus says to the soldier with the switch.

“Keys,” Maura's voice whispers. He blinks and she is standing in front of him, her dressing gown pulled tight around her waist. Her face is streaked with tears and there are dark circles under her eyes. “Say nothing. The glamour is hard to keep up.”

Despair claws at his heart. He presses his lips together and stares over her shoulder. The crowd is cheering, calling for the beating to begin. She reaches out, brushing his cheek with her fingers.

“I don't know how long I can keep the shroud up,” she says, her voice choked with more tears. The soldier with the switch jumps up onto the platform. “But I won't let you do this alone.”

Keelan nearly bites his tongue when the first lash lands. Fresh tears leak down Maura's face. She cups his in her hands. The second lash hits and he whimpers her name, trying to hold himself together.

“I'm here,” she says.

The lashes are coming faster now, “You shouldn't…” he murmurs, quiet enough that only she will be able to hear him. The crowd is shouting, some cheering for each strike. “Shouldn't have come.”

Tears track down her face, mirroring his as the seventh strike breaks the skin. “I won't leave you.”

She presses her forehead against his and he leans against the post, closing his eyes. “Don't…don't want you to see this.” His voice breaks as the pain grows worse and worse. He's lost count and blood is dripping down his back and onto the platform. “Please, Maura.”

She shakes her head, her form flickering. Out of the corner of his eye, Keelan sees Proteus half-rise from his seat, staring at the space where Maura stands. She scrunches her nose and the image of her steadies. Proteus lowers himself back into his chair. The circles under her eyes are getting deeper. “I won't. I can't leave you.”

Someone is shouting out how many lashes it's been. Keelan's knees buckle, his shoulders wrenching as they take his full weight. He has so many left. Maura is stroking his cheeks with her thumbs, crying silently. Seeing her pain is worse than any willow switch.

“I'm begging you,” he chokes out, meeting her silver eyes. “Please.” He shuts his eyes as the switch hits his back again. “I don't want you to see this.”

She sobs once, the sound drowned out by the crowd's jeers. She leans forward to press her lips to Keelan's. “Come home to me, Keys,” she begs.

She's gone and Keelan's skin is splitting but at least she is no longer there to see it. He lets himself cry out, lets the tears pour down his face. As long as she isn't there to bear witness.

They are unshackling him, his shoulders screaming with pain as his arms are lowered from above his head.

“Chin up, boy,” the captain of the guard hisses in his ear. “If you fall, they'll leave you here.”

Keelan has to lean heavily on her, but he lifts his chin and meets the king's eyes. They are not nearly as cold, but he sees none of the man that he met in the chapel under the castle.

“Is His Majesty satisfied?” the captain calls out.

Proteus holds Keelan's gaze for a moment before looking away. “Yes. Take him away.”

“You're alright, lad,” the captain murmurs, leading Keelan down from the platform. There are shadows pushing in at the edges of his vision. “You only have to make it through the gates.”

Keelan wants to weep. The gates are miles away and he's lost so much blood that he can't feel his toes. He hold himself together with the thought of Maura's fingers on his cheeks. Her lips against his.

“That's it, lad, that's it,” the captain says as Keelan vomits in the bushes of the kitchen gardens. “You're almost there, I promise.”

They take him through the passage from the stables, likely to keep him out of sight. The dim corridor only reminds him of the Black Cell. He is relieved when they reach the barracks.

“Be gentle with him,” the captain says. The other soldiers help bandage his wounds and feed him a hearty beef stew before laying him down in his bunk.

“Thank you,” he manages to say. The captain pulls up a chair next to his bed, pushing her dreads out of her face.

“You took fifty lashes today. Most would have passed out from the pain. But not you. You're strong, Keelan. You'll be a good Queen's Knight.” She reaches out and pats his shoulder awkwardly. “Atta boy.” She clears her throat and stands suddenly. “Rest up. You'll be back to work in the morning.”

Keelan nods and turns his face into the pillow. He is asleep in minutes.

---

Maura's door flies open at eight thirty. Keelan doesn't have time to bow before she yanks him inside. He winces, the bandages on his back shifting.

“I'm sorry,” Maura says, running her hands over him anxiously. “Are you okay? They didn't hurt you anywhere else?”

“No,” Keelan says, recovering. He forces a smile. “Doesn't even hurt that bad.”

She doesn't laugh. “Liar. Take off your shirt.”

His whole face goes red and he very purposefully does not look at the four-poster bed against the wall. “Um. Why?”

She flicks her hand. His cloak and armor unfasten themselves and fall to the floor. “I've been studying healing magic all morning. Most of Levi's research disappeared after my mother's funeral, but I managed to sneak a few books away before he came back for them.” She helps him get his shirt off and he tries not to squirm as she appraises the wounds on his back.

“My father…” she says quietly. She touches the edge of one of the gashes. “I'm sorry he did this to you.”

“Birdie is dead because of me.” He shuts his eyes. “I deserved much worse.”

“No,” she insists. He feels warmth traveling across his back, following the trail of her fingertips. The pain fades in its wake and he tastes the faintest hint of sweet pea. “He forgets that this isn't Guildi. You swore your life, but the laws here are not nearly so harsh.”

“The laws allowing beatings remain,” Keelan says. “It wasn't that uncommon in Leyne.”

“It's not the same. The law is absolute in Guildi,” Maura says bitterly. “Not even the royal family is exempt from its punishments. Father…he shouldn't have done this. He called you away from Birdie; you never would have left her otherwise. He just needs someone to blame other than himself.” Keelan hisses with pain as she presses a little too hard and she murmurs an apology. “He should have never done this to you.”

“I've lived through worse,” he says.

“It wasn't necessary.”

“He's grieving.” Keelan thinks of the raid captain's hair between his fingers, the wide, pleading eyes staring up at him. The slight resistance before his sword broke the skin. “People are capable of awful things when they're grieving.”

Maura is silent for a moment as she finishes whatever spells she's using on his back. “I'm so angry,” she says quietly. “I'm angry at Levi. At my father, my mother, myself.” She presses her forehead to his shoulder and he feels tears wet his skin. “Not you, though. I'm only afraid I'll lose you too.”

He turns around, pulling her into a tight hug. “Never.”

“You can't promise that,” she sniffs.

“I can and I do. I promise that no matter what happens, you will always have me.” He kisses the side of her head. “My life in your service."

They stay in her room for the day, recovering together. Maura's spells helped close up the smallest of the gashes and speed up the healing for the bigger ones. She's too tired to do anything more and Keelan won't let her overexert herself for him.

They take all three meals in her room and Maura refuses to let any of the servants in; the kitchen maids have to leave the trays at the door. She and Keelan eat on the floor in front of the window, surrounded by books as Keelan practices reading and Maura studies the pieces of Levi's research that she stole. Proteus tries to call on her twice, but both times she locks the door and refuses to answer.

She falls asleep with her head in Keelan's lap and he carries her to bed, tucking her gently under the covers. He drags an armchair in front of the door and falls asleep in it with his sword across his lap.

It becomes their routine for a week, then two. He missed Rosaleen and Birdie's funeral—Proteus hadn't wanted a traitor like him to be there, so it had been held while he was in the Black Cell. Keelan's back heals and Maura practices every spell she can find in Levi's books. Keelan's eighteenth birthday comes and goes without much fanfare—Stiofán sends up sugared buns and Keelan and Maura finish off a bottle of his father's wine, falling asleep on the floor in front of the window.

A third week passes and Maura is summoned to see the king. She refuses.

Keelan is waiting outside the door when Proteus arrives, red-faced. “Stand aside, Keelan.”

“The princess doesn't want to be disturbed,” Keelan says coolly. “She has ordered me to turn away any who come—”

“Move aside. I need to speak with my daughter.”

Keelan's healing scars itch. “My apologies, Your Majesty, but the princess gave me orders. My life is sworn to her service. I can't let you through.”

Proteus stands there for a minute, seething. Keelan can see him weighing execution as an option. Finally, the king of Raedora spins on his heel and walks briskly away. Keelan stays in front of Maura's door for a while longer, waiting to see if Proteus plans on returning to arrest him again. An hour passes without anyone else coming, so he slips back inside.

Maura looks up from a crumpled scroll. “You were out there for a long time.”

“Just making sure he wasn't coming back.” He unfastens his cloak and sets it down on his chair. “What are you looking at?”

Her nose crinkles as she looks at the smudged ink. “A spell Levi was researching, or maybe putting together. I don't have his personal spellbook to be sure.”

“What does it do?” Keelan picks up one of the books he's been reading.

“I'm not sure. A lot of the writing is in Fiero, so I can't read it. I'll have to spend some time working on a translation.”

She works in silence for a while before Keelan breaks it. “Are you going to go to see the king at some point?”

Her knuckles whiten around the scroll, the yellowed parchment crumpling. “He had you beaten for nothing,” she says savagely. “I don't want to see him.”

Keelan nods, lowering his gaze. “I'm better now,” he says quietly. “Your magic did its job.”

“Good.” She picks up another book and squints at the writing. “Let me know if any of the pain returns. I found a recipe for a scar salve that I could try out.”

And so the routine continues.

Maura throws herself into studying Levi's research. There are still nights that she clings to Keelan and cries until she falls asleep. He holds her and tells her he will never leave, but he can feel the gaping hole in her. He has the same one in his chest and has for years. He knows there is nothing that will close it.

Proteus doesn't try to summon either of them, nor does he come to the door again. Keelan's moved most of his things into a drawer at the bottom of Maura's dresser, since he falls asleep guarding her every night and only returns to the barracks when absolutely necessary. Maura tells the servants with the nerve to ask that she has ordered him to guard her at all times until Levi has been found. Soon enough, the only ones who come to the door are the kitchen maids that drop off their meals.

Stiofán starts putting little notes on the trays, keeping them updated on the going-ons of the land. Keelan is getting better at reading, so he reads them out loud to Maura while she works on her spells. Every day she shows him something new that she's learned from Levi's research.

It seems like this could last forever, the two of them studying in a peaceful bubble on the floor of Maura's bedroom. Keelan knows that it can't—eventually they will have to face the king, and the consequences of flaunting convention and propriety to stay together. But he still likes to pretend, at night as he's falling asleep in front of the door, that this is their everyday life. That there is nothing more that they have to do.

Before either of them know it, the eve of the new year arrives. Maura has been keeping track of the days, of the passing weeks and then months. Ten weeks and two days, if Keelan remembers correctly. They're celebrating by sleeping in.

“Maura.” The king knocks on the door and Keelan jerks awake in his chair, raising his sword. Maura motions for him to hide in her washroom and he hears her open the door. He presses himself against the wall, straining his ears.

“Father. To what do I owe this early visit?”

“Sweet pea.”

“Do not call me that.”

“Maura.” There is a long pause. “The law is the law. None are exempt.”

“Not even us.” Maura's voice is smooth, emotionless. “Was there anything else?”

“Beloved, I don't want to fight with you. We…we only have each other now. Please, sweet pea. I miss my daughter.”

Maura inhales sharply. Then again shakily. “I miss you too, Daddy. I'm just…” She sniffs and Keelan's fingers curl into his palms. “I'm just so angry.”

“Me too. I shouldn't have taken it out on Keelan.”

“No.” She sniffs again. “You shouldn't have.”

Keelan can hear a smile in Proteus's voice. “Will you two join me for lunch? If you're not too busy.”

There is another long pause before Maura says, “Okay.”

The door snaps shut and Keelan steps through the doorway into the bedroom. “Are you okay?”

“Yes.” She swipes two tears from her cheeks and turns to her dresser. “I'm going to get ready for lunch. You should as well.”

He takes the hint and grabs his things from the drawer, returning to the washroom and pulling the gossamer curtain over the doorframe. He dresses quickly and helps Maura tighten the laces on her dress when she calls for him. She's been eating less and less, and refuses to ask the maids for help, insisting that they'll gossip if they have to tighten the laces for her.

She holds his arm tightly as they walk through the corridors for the first time in weeks. Keelan feels almost agoraphobic under the vaulted ceilings of the royal wing's hallways. Guards bow and murmur greetings as they pass, black curtains hung over all the windows to indicate their mourning status. Too soon, they are at the doors of the dining room.

Maura inhales shakily and Keelan squeezes her hand where it rests on his arm. “You don't have to do this if you aren't ready.”

“I'm fine,” she says, and pushes the door open.

Proteus looks up from his food. "Ah. Come in, sit."

Keelan takes his seat next to Maura and waves off a servant that tries to offer him a platter of fancy little cakes. He takes a bun and a few pieces of fruit for his lunch and Maura nibbles on a single apple.

"I know that we are still in mourning," Proteus says, buttering a piece of bread, "and the people have accepted that as a reason that you have not been seen in over a month."

"Ten weeks and two days," Maura says coolly.

Proteus's jaw twitches. "Indeed, sweet pea. But it's the new year now, and we have to present a united front. You are the future queen of Raedora. The people need to know that you will take care of them."

"You wish for me to return to my royal duties." Maura bites into her apple, sucking the juices off her fingers before asking, "When?"

"Tomorrow. We will have a session of the court for the new year."

"Fine." She sets the half-eaten apple down on her plate and stands. "I think I've had enough to eat. Sir Keelan, if you would escort me back to my room; I would like to rest."

He stands, leaving his unfinished fruit on his own plate. "Yes, my princess."

"Before I go," Maura says, turning back to Proteus. "Have you anything to say to Sir Keelan?"

Proteus's eyes widen and dart over to Keelan, then back to Maura. "Beloved, what…?"

She folds her hands behind her back. "Nothing?"

Proteus clears his throat, standing. He meet's Keelan's eyes. "I should not have done what I did." He immediately looks back at Maura. "Are you satisfied?"

She curls her lip. "Hardly."

But she doesn't force him to try again, just turns on her heel and leaves. Keelan follows her back to her room, where she throws a vase into a wall with a frustrated scream. He sits there while she paces back and forth, ranting angrily about her stupid, stubborn father who is too pig-headed for a simple apology. When she breaks down crying again, he pulls her into his arms and tells her he's just happy Proteus was able to maintain eye contact for longer than two seconds.

Neither of them feel ready, but they both know it's finally time to break the self-imposed exile.

Now that Maura is returning to her royal duties, Keelan moves his things back to the barracks. He is still at her door every day at eight. Maura refuses to enter the library and it's too cold to study in the gardens, so Proteus picks out the books and one of the servants leaves them in the parlor in the royal wing for their morning studies. After lunch, Keelan sometimes follows Maura to court, sometimes to the door of her father's study where the two of them stay shut in for hours, discussing politics and the finer points of ruling. He's never privy to those discussions, but sometimes Maura will give him a summary of the day's topics. He doesn't understand any of it, but he loves to listen to her voice as she describes it to him.

The full silver moon is approaching and with it, Birdie's birthday. Maura hasn't said anything to Keelan, but he knows that she's had the maids keeping Birdie's room spotless. He doesn't have the guts to ask her about it yet.

On the afternoon of Birdie's birthday, Proteus calls a special session of the court. The nobles crowd into the throne room and scribes prepare dozens of little slips for the messengers. Keelan stands at Maura's side, watching her fidget with the ends of her braids as she waits for the court to begin.

Proteus raises to his feet and clears his throat. The crowd hushes.

"Tonight," he says, his voice trembling with rare emotion, "my daughter, Brigit, should have celebrated her eighth birthday. Instead, she was butchered by a man who pretended to be a loyal servant. She was killed, as was her mother, my beloved Queen Rosaleen, by magic. It is in her memory that I act now." He gestures to the scribes. "On this day, I declare witchcraft, the practice of magic, or the study of it, unlawful in all of Raedora. Any who are found to be a witch, to have practiced magic, or to have studied it, must be brought to the capital to face trial before their king and princess." He sweeps his gaze over the silent nobility. "Those who have never used their magic for harm will be allowed two days to leave. Those who have used their magic for evil will face the consequences."

Maura's fingers twitch in her lap.

"If it was not for witches, my daughter would be alive," Proteus says, his knuckles white on the arms of the throne. "Instead, my baby girl is gone. Witchcraft will no longer be tolerated in Raedora. If witches do not turn themselves over, they will be tracked down and brought here by force. All must face judgment for justice to be served."

Keelan's mouth is dry, thinking of Maura's books hidden under the bed. Proteus wouldn't prosecute his own daughter for witchcraft, would he?

The law is absolute in Guildi. Not even the royal family is exempt from its punishments.

"You are all dismissed," Proteus says, resting his head in one hand. The court leaves quickly, whispering furiously.

Keelan sets his hand on the arm of Maura's throne. "Princess?"

"I was going to take Birdie riding for her birthday this year," she says, staring ahead. "She always begged to come along when I went, but she was still too small. She was finally getting big enough."

He slides his fingers down to touch her arm. "Do you wish to go back to your chambers to rest?"

"Yes," she says, standing. "Yes, I think I will."

---

"The princess's birthday is coming up," one of the kitchen maids says slyly, passing Keelan his usual breakfast sausage. He breaks it in half, tossing half to the fat kitchen cat that's supposed to catch rats but mostly trips people and begs for scraps. "Do you think she'll get any gifts this year?"

"She's still in mourning for her mother and sister," Keelan says, giving the maid an odd look. "Why would she even celebrate her birthday?"

The maid rolls her eyes. "Sometimes," she says slowly, as if he is a child, "people celebrate things when they're sad so that they can feel better." She laughs at his expression, handing him another sausage and a napkin for the grease. "Perhaps her friends will still get her something to cheer her up a bit."

Keelan bites into his sausage, smiling a little. Not a bad idea. He bids the kitchen staff goodbye, hardly noticing the maids exchanging bets.

Keelan is, technically, paid a wage, so he gets his purse out from under his bed in the barracks and counts out the coins with shaking fingers. Eighteen silver, six copper, and twelve gold. Not much, but he's sure he can find something.

The kitchen maids tell him, giggling, that most people looking for a good birthday gift for someone like Maura will start at the jeweler in the Grand Market. He doesn't want to be recognized or bothered while he is out, so he strips his horse and dons a plain cloak. Without the fancy saddle and heraldry, his fierce warhorse almost looks like the docile mare that pulled his father's plow.

The jeweler isn't hard to find—he has a large sign with a painted diamond and a throng of people perusing his enormous booth. Keelan wanders around the tables, eyes wide as he takes in the range of different jewels and precious metals. Maura loves blue and green, so he looks at sapphires and emeralds. His eye catches on a simple gold ring with a small blue stone. He catches the jeweler's attention.

“How much for this one?” he asks. The jeweler's smile is sour.

“Twenty-five gold pieces,” he says, with a decidedly nasty lilt to his tone.

“I have twelve and eighteen silver,” Keelan offers.

The jeweler sneers. “If you can't pay, put your grubby hands somewhere else.”

Keelan stiffens, glaring at him, but sets the ring down and goes back to his horse.

“Don't let that snob get you down,” a voice to his right says. He glances over to see the silk merchant leaning out of their booth. They give him an apologetic smile. “He's been a sour apple as long as he's been here.”

“Thanks,” Keelan mutters, mounting his horse.

“There's a jeweler in South Town that has better prices,” the silk merchant calls loudly, ignoring the way the jeweler glares at them. “Better prices, too, in my humble opinion.”

Keelan laughs a little. “Thanks.”

The South Town market is small and quiet, but the merchants are friendly and one happily points him to the jeweler's workshop.

It's a small building, stained with smoke from the puffing chimney. The front window has a spare, simple display featuring a single set of jewelry—a necklace, a ring, a set of bracelets, and a pair of earrings, all worked in silver and set with small red gemstones.

“What can I help you with?” a young woman asks eagerly when he steps inside. He freezes as she bounces around the counter, beaming. “Are you shopping for yourself, or somebody else?”

“Harper, go oil the tools,” an exasperated woman says from where she is hunched over a half-assembled necklace on the battered wooden counter. “Hello, love,” she says to Keelan, as Harper slinks off sullenly. “I'm Laoise, the jeweler. You'll forgive my apprentice, I hope. She is very eager.”'

Keelan's hand is still resting on the doorknob. He releases it and clears his throat. “Ah. Yes. I'm here because I want to find a birthday gift for someone.”

Laoise sets down her pliers and studies him for a moment. “What do you have in mind?”

He deflates a little. “I don't know. Someone said to go to a jeweler and here I am. She already has everything…I don't know what to get her.”

“I see.” Laoise comes out from behind the counter, looking Keelan up and down. She glances out the window, at Keelan's horse. Something like amusement flicks across her face, but she doesn't say anything about it. “How old will your friend be?”

“Seventeen. She…she lost some people recently. I want to make sure she knows that I'm here for her.”

“Of course,” Laoise says, smiling. “You're a kind friend. Tell me about her. What does she like?”

She pulls up a chair at a little table and Keelan sits, trying to think of words that will be adequate. “She's…she loves to read. She loves plants, especially sweet peas. Her favorite colors are blue and green. She likes horseback riding and stargazing.” He wrings his hands in his lap. “I'm awful at giving gifts.”

Laoise got a pot of tea from somewhere at some point and is pouring him a cup. “That's alright. I'll help you.”

“The silk merchant in the Grand Market told me to come here,” Keelan admits, accepting the cup. Laoise laughs.

“They're a sweetheart, aren't they? They send a lot of folks my way. I'm guessing the old stuffed-shirt was rude to you? Mad you couldn't pay?”

Keelan nods and sips his tea. It leaves a warm feeling in his chest, his nerves calming slowly.

“Let's get it out of the way, then. How much do you have?”

“Six copper, eighteen silver, and twelve gold.” He fidgets while she repeats it to herself silently, her brow furrowed in concentration. “Is that enough?”

“Oh, that's plenty, honey. That stuck-up egomaniac in the Grand Market is just greedy.” She rubs her jaw. “You won't want any yellow gems—it'll clash. No gold either, which is fine since I only work in silver anyway.”

“But her hair is golden,” Keelan says. “Wouldn't you want to match that?”

Laoise shakes her head. “You don't need to add to the gold; it won't match and will only make either her hair or the jewelry look out of place. No, you want to match her eyes, to pull out that color more clearly and draw attention to them.” She taps her chin with one finger, her eyes darting around the shop. “Hm. Come look at this one.”

She picks up a necklace with a delicate silver chain and a blue teardrop gemstone. Keelan thinks of the similar one that he's seen Maura wear to state dinners. “Not quite. It's beautiful, though.”

“No need to flatter me,” Laoise laughs. “I know my work's worth. We're trying to find the right one; we'll have to go through a few wrong ones.” She sets the necklace down, frowning in thought. “Does she already wear a lot of jewelry?”

Keelan rubs his forehead. “Kind of? She doesn't wear a lot all at once, but she almost always has something.”

“Makes sense.” She picks up a set of silver-and-green bracelets. “These, perhaps?”

Keelan has never seen Maura wear bracelets in his life. He thinks of her flourishing motions when she speaks and casts spells. “She talks with her hands a lot.”

Laoise grimaces and sets them down. “I should think not.” She casts her gaze around the shop again, her eyes narrowing. “Harper!”

Harper comes tumbling out of some back room, oil smudged on her nose. “I wasn't listening,” she says guiltily.

“Of course you were.” Laoise waves her hand. “Do you have that piece you were telling me about ready to be shown?”

Harper's whole face flushes. “You—to a customer?” she squeaks.

“Yes, Harper, to a customer,” Laoise says with the barest hint of a smile. “Do you have it?”

Harper disappears and reappears faster than Keelan can track, holding a folded cloth in her hands reverently. She lays it out on the counter and Keelan leans over to get a better view. She unfolds the cloth carefully, revealing a delicate ring made of braided silver and set with three pale stones. Keelan inhales softly, his eyes raking over the thin tendrils of silver that hold the stones in place.

“They're moonstones,” Harper says, vibrating with pride. “They change color in the light, see?” She tilts the cloth carefully, rolling the ring in between her fingers. The pale white surfaces of the moonstones shimmer, blue and silver and red hues crossing their faces. “When exposed to direct moonlight, some say that they can feel the moon's power through the stones. Whether or not that is true, they will often glow brighter and more vibrantly.”

Keelan reaches out but is afraid to touch the dainty piece or smudge the stones. “You made this?”

“Yes.” Harper fidgets, a bit of doubt entering her expression. “Is it satisfactory?”

“It's perfect,” Keelan breathes. He smiles at Harper before returning his gaze to the ring. “How much?”

Harper hesitates, glancing at Laoise.

“Wrap it up for him,” Laoise says. Harper nods and take the ring away. Laoise sets her hand on Keelan's shoulder. “I'll give it to you at no cost, Keelan O'Leyne.”

He jerks away from her, startled. “How did you know?”

“You pick up on things more as you get older,” Laoise says with a wink. “And you're not all that stealthy, honey.” Her expression sobers. “My mother was from Leyne. I lived there for a while as a young girl before we came here.”

Keelan's breath catches in his chest. Laoise sets her hands on his shoulders.

“You are not alone, little knight,” she says softly. “You are not the only one who remembers.”

Tears well up behind his eyes. Harper returns with a wrapped ring box tied with a ribbon. She presses it into Keelan's hands and takes his empty cup of tea. Laoise pats the side of his face.

“Leyna watches over you, Keelan of Leyne,” she says. “You are not alone.”

He walks out of the shop shaking, tears sliding down his cheeks without his permission.

You are not alone, little knight.

He rides back to the castle slowly, lost in his thoughts.

---

Proteus doesn't host a ball for Maura's birthday, as they're still in mourning. Even so, Stiofán makes all her favorites for dinner and sends up extra sugared buns with the desserts. Keelan's hands are sweating so much on the walk back to Maura's room that he thinks he's going to drop the ring.

"Sir Keelan," she says, curtsying. She goes to open the door and his heart leaps into his throat.

"Wait."

She pauses. "Yes?"

"I got you something." His mouth is dry, but he manages to smile at her. "If you're interested."

She lets go of the door handle. "Like…like a birthday present?"

"You didn't get one from me last year. Not a real one, at least." She slips her hand into his and he rubs his thumb across her knuckles. "And with everything that's happened…I just wanted to make sure that you knew…" He clears his throat. "It's a gift for you."

He doesn't drop the box, and hands it to her with steadier hands than he'd expected. She takes it but doesn't open it, turning it over and over and inspecting the sides of the box. "Where did you get this? How?"

He chances a smile. "I am paid a wage, even if it's not a big one. I got it…I'll tell you after you've opened it."

She pops the top off and presses one hand to her mouth when she sees the ring.

"They're moonstones," Keelan says, twisting his fingers together. "They change color in the light." He watches tears gather in her eyes and his breath hitches. "Do you not like it?"

Her eyes dart up to his face and her hand lowers from her mouth to reveal a tremulous smile. "It's beautiful," she whispers.

He bows. "Happy birthday." She is still staring at him and he fidgets again. "So you like it?"

Maura looks back down at the ring and her trembling fingers lift it out of the box. She slides it onto the third finger of her left hand. "It's the best birthday gift I've ever gotten." He can't help the enormous smile that breaks over his face. She stands on her toes and kisses his cheek. "Thank you."

"Anything for you," he replies.

She goes into her room and he walks on air all the way back to the barracks.

---

Keelan opens his eyes.

“Keys!” Maura's face appears above him, her eyes brimming with tears. “Thank the gods, you're awake. How do you feel?”

He blinks, trying to orient himself. He's laying on a cot in the infirmary, undressed from the waist up. His mouth is dry, his toes are tingling as sensation returns to them, and he can feel stubble growing in on his jaw.

“What happened?” he says, immediately wincing as his dry throat scratches with the effort. Maura bites her lip.

“You don't…you don't remember?”

His head aches. “Remember what?”

She drops her gaze to her lap. “You…you were helping bring witches in for the trials. One of them attacked you.”

“I remember bringing witches in yesterday, but everything else is a blank.” He scratches his jaw. The stubble must have grown in fast.

Maura's gone a shade paler. “Yesterday?”

He slides his gaze to her slowly. “Yes. Why?”

She won't look at him. “That was over two weeks ago, Keys. You've been here, recovering, for fifteen days.” Her fingers curl into her palms in her lap. “I…made a mistake.”

There is a sick feeling in his gut that has nothing to do with the healing wounds that he sees across his chest and arms. He takes a moment to look at them, to process what they are. “I was burned,” he says as it finally dawns on him. “Badly.” As sensation returns, he can feel how extensive they were. His whole chest, across his shoulders and arms. They're mostly healed now, so the pain is mild but still constant, ebbing and flowing. “But I don't remember anything.”

Tears drip down Maura's cheeks. “You were in so much pain. I thought…I must have done something wrong. I didn't mean—”

“You took my memories.” There is a distant roar in his ears. He can't feel the absence in his head, but he knows, deep in his chest, that they're gone. “You stole them.”

“I only wanted to take the memory of the pain,” she says, tears falling faster as she reaches for his hand. He pulls it away. “You…you were in agony, Keys. The witch who burned you…she nearly killed you. I couldn't…I couldn't let you live with that kind of pain.”

“You learned the exact spells that Levi used on us.” He stares at the wall on the other side of the infirmary. He can't look at her tears anymore; he isn't sure how much longer he can handle the pressure in his chest.

“I thought if I learned how he manipulated us, I could stop it from ever happening again.”

“How is this stopping it?” His voice raises, but he still can't look at her. He glares at the other side of the cot instead. “Fucking hell, Maura, how is this stopping it?”

She inhales sharply and he closes his eyes, letting his head fall back on the pillow. A moment passes silently, then another. “I will leave you to recover in peace,” Maura finally says. He feels a hesitant, fluttering touch on his hand before her footsteps pace away with a swish of skirts. He doesn't open his eyes until he hears the infirmary door open and then shut. He is alive and alone and missing fifteen whole days of his life.

He rolls over and tries to get some sleep.

---

They release him from the infirmary in the morning and he returns to the barracks, where soldiers regale him with the tale of his heroic duty protecting the king from the fire witch. The captain of the guard pulls him aside at one point and pats his head with another “Atta boy.” He just dresses and straps his sword to his side.

“You have the whole day to recover,” the captain says, stopping him on the way out the door. “You don't need—”

“I'm in good enough shape to return to my job protecting the princess,” Keelan says flatly. “Excuse me.”

The captain stares, worried, but lets him past.

He's missed the morning studies, but he takes his place next to the guards outside the private dining room and waits for the king and the princess to finish their lunch.

The doors are open before he is ready. “Sir Keelan.” Maura tips her chin up, visibly steeling herself. “The physicians didn't inform me that you were ready to return to service.”

He bows. “I swear that I am fully able to protect you, my princess.”

“Good man,” Proteus says, stepping past Maura to clap Keelan on the shoulder. He manages to disguise the wince as another bow. “We're holding court today. The witch who nearly killed you is due to go on trial. Perhaps you will be the one to dispense her justice. It would be fitting.”

Keelan swallows the sick feeling in his stomach. “Yes, my king.”

He falls into step behind Maura and pretends not to notice her furtive glances at him. He can read her face too well, knows exactly how she's feeling. The guilt in her eyes is threatening to kill him.

The court is already assembled when they arrive. Keelan sees many whisper behind their hands when he walks in and chooses to ignore that as well. He might not remember what happened, but he won't let their gossiping faze him. He's sure there are plenty of outlandish stories out there.

“We may begin,” Proteus calls out, his voice ringing over the chatter. The court falls silent and the doors at the far end of the throne room swing open. Guards file in, leading prisoners in chains. They are forced to line up along the back wall and Proteus surveys the assembled prisoners.

“You are all here to stand trial for witchcraft,” he says, his expression hardening into the same one Keelan saw on his face the day he was beaten. “The law is the law. None are exempt. The truth will be found out, and the law will be applied. Those of you who have not used your magic to harm will be allowed two days to leave Raedora.”

“Those of you who have used your magic to harm will face punishment befitting the crime,” Maura says, her voice ringing even louder than her father's. Keelan fights the urge to look at her and read the expression on her face. It's the only reading he's any good at anyway.

The guards pull the first prisoner, a middle-aged woman with stringy dark brown hair and muddy eyes, forward and onto her knees in front of the throne.

“Ah, yes,” Proteus says, his lip curling a little. “The so-called swamp witch.”

She spits on the floor in front of him. “I kneel not for you, foreign king, but for our princess. She is a true Raedoran queen.”

“I thank you for your respect,” Maura says. “But I am not the queen yet, and my father's rule still binds you. Do not disrespect him again.”

The swamp witch bows her head. “As you wish, my princess.”

“You stand accused of witchcraft,” Proteus says. “What do you plead?”

“Guilty as charged,” the swamp witch says, a little smugly. “Been the witch of my village for twenty-five years.”

“What does that entail?” Maura asks, leaning forward in her throne and resting her chin on her hand. Keelan sees her left thumb rubbing along her moonstone ring. “Being the village witch, that is.”

“Maura,” Proteus starts to say, but Maura waves a hand dismissively and he shuts his mouth, shock flashing across his face. Keelan's fingers twitch towards the hilt of his sword, wondering if she shut his mouth for him. She wouldn't use magic so brazenly, especially not in front of the king, or on the king.

Would she?

He hates that he isn't sure anymore.

“A village witch protects her home,” the swamp witch says, her eyes darting between Maura and Proteus. “She heals the sick, aids in births, and eases the pain of the dying. She keeps raiders and thieves away and serves her community faithfully. Many of us take vows to the gods and the moons.”

“Interesting,” Maura says. “What witness does this witch present?”

The guards pull forward a young woman who trembles as she realizes that she has the full attention of the royal family. She drops into a shaking curtsy. “My name is Maisy, milady,” she says, with a thick southwestern accent that Keelan recognizes. They must be from one of the villages in the swamps near Aresfield. “I was brought here ta bare-witness.”

“To bear witness to the crimes of the so-called swamp witch,” Proteus adds, but Maura waves her hand again.

“I'll handle this, Father,” she says airily. “It is good practice, isn't it?”

Proteus opens and closes his mouth, apparently speechless. Keelan's hand tightens on the hilt of his sword. What kind of game is she playing?

“Maisy,” Maura says. The poor girl flinches. “Tell me about your village witch.”

“Mistress Ennis?” Maisy blinks. “She fixed my cat's crooked tail. When the fisherman's son got fish-sick, she helped him get it out without suffering.”

“What's fish-sick?” Maura interrupts, tilting her head.

“Oh, beggin' your pardon, princess, but it's rather unpleasant,” Maisy says, flushing and glancing around at the gathered nobility. “I would never—on such royal ears as yours, milady, and—”

“That's fine,” Maura says. “Please, continue telling me about Mistress Ennis, as you called her.”

Maisy nods, curtsying again. “Mistress Ennis kept pirates away when they came lookin' for safe harbor.” The swamp witch, Mistress Ennis, chuckles a little at this. “She's a real nice lady, milady, and we were real sad to see her go.”

Proteus leans forward. “The law is the law. Have you ever seen the swamp witch use her magic to harm others?”

Maisy hesitates, her eyes darting between Proteus and Maura nervously. “Do pirates count?”

“Defending your village from pirates is not the same as harming others,” Maura says evenly. “There is no other instance of Mistress Ennis using her magic harmfully?”

“No, milady. My princess.” She curtsies again.

“She is innocent,” Maura says. She waves her hand and the guards come forward, unlocking Mistress Ennis's chains. “You have two days to gather what you need and leave Raedora.”

Mistress Ennis sinks into a deep curtsy. “As you command, my princess. I hope to someday return when you are queen.” Proteus shifts in his throne, but the swamp witch is already turning away. She says nothing more, thankfully, and leaves with Maisy pulled tight against her side.

Keelan shifts from one foot to the other, glancing between Maura and Proteus. Maura is only focused on the next prisoner while Proteus watches her, calculations running behind his eyes. Keelan isn't sure what angle Maura is playing now. He thinks bitterly that he might have a better idea if she hadn't erased two and a half weeks from his memory.

“Sir Keelan.” Maura leans back in her throne and he steps forward. She looks up at him, a wrinkle in her brow. “What's fish-sick?”

Keelan smiles a little, clearing his throat before answering. “When someone eats a fish that's gone bad. Their insides clean themselves out to keep the rot from spreading. Most vomit, but some—”

“Stop.” She holds up one hand, a little paler. “I understand now. Thank you.”

The next prisoner, a tall man with cracked glasses, kneels before Maura's throne. “My princess. I submit to your justice.”

“You stand accused of witchcraft,” Proteus starts to say, but Maura leans forward in her throne, her hand up again.

“You are a witch, yes?”

“Yes, my princess,” the man says. “My parents were witches too, but they've left this world for the one beyond.”

“What did you use your magic for?”

Keelan sucks his bottom lip between his teeth, his mind slowly piecing together Maura's plan. He doesn't have the full picture yet, but he's not sure how he feels about where all this is going.

“I'm a gardener, Your Highness.” He spreads his hands and the guards draw their swords. Green sparks dance between the man's fingers, but nothing more. “I use my magic to keep the crops of my village healthy and productive.”

“Who is your witness?”

Another man steps forward and bows. “My princess. I swear on my life, this man has never used his magic maliciously. He has helped my family's farm prosper for years, despite droughts and storms.”

“Innocent,” Maura says, spinning her ring on her finger. The court claps politely and the two men leave. The next prisoner is brought forward, spitting and struggling the whole way. Maura's lip curls, matching Proteus's. “Yes. The fire witch.”

“I'm not the only witch here, princess.” The witch spits the last word like a curse. Keelan see's Maura's fingers twitch in her lap and there is a brief golden shimmer in the air in front of her before it disappears.

“I have no doubt of your guilt,” Maura says, her voice still even despite the steel underneath. “But we shall give you the same treatment as all the others. What did you use your magic for?”

The witch spits again. “I won't say another word,” she says.

“Wouldn't that be a blessing,” Maura replies flatly. “What witness is there for her?”

A young man steps forward, averting his eyes but bowing neatly. “My princess. My king. This witch lived outside our village, see? I…I know little 'bout her, but there were lotsa stories of her powers. The village always brought her the healthiest lamb during the spring. My ma told me it was to keep the wildfires away. But…” He glances at the witch, then up at Maura, his expression hardening into determination. “I thinks she's the one who sets the fires.”

“Liar!” the witch screams, but Maura ignores her.

“Regardless of the witness's statements, your actions here in these halls were inexcusable,” she says. “You attacked my father, the king, and nearly killed Sir Keelan of Leyne, sworn shield of the crown. These are serious crimes that demand justice.”

“There's no justice to be found here,” the witch says. Her hands are still bound, but Keelan sees red sparks fizzle out at her fingertips. They stop after a moment and he thinks he sees golden sparks settle on the woman's wrist. The witch sneers at Maura. “And the princess is a hypocrite worse than her father. Magic runs through your blood, girl, and your father is a fool to not see it.”

“Sir Keelan.” Maura's eyes are cold and her voice emotionless. “She has insulted us enough. Remove her tongue.”

The witch's eyes widen and Keelan steps forward, drawing the dagger from his belt. “Yes, my princess.”

“Not here,” Proteus says, reaching out to grab Maura's wrist. “Not in front of the court.”

“I disagree.” Maura shakes him off, her eyes still locked on the witch as Keelan advances with his dagger. “I think here is the perfect place to do it. You yourself taught me the value of public punishment.” Proteus flinches. “Let it be a reminder to the others that justice does not wait.”

“There's no justice,” the witch tries to say, but the guards holding her in place force her head backwards and her mouth open.

Keelan flinches as the blood splatters across his tunic, but he steps back when his work is done and looks up at Maura. She nods and he returns to her side. The physician attends to the fire witch, cauterizing the wound to stop the bleeding. She sobs quietly into her hands when he backs away. Keelan thinks of the burns across his chest and looks at Maura again. She is unmoved by the witch's pain, staring down at her with anger barely hidden behind the sharp angle of her cheekbones. Her left thumb rubs along her ring.

“Now that we will have no further interruptions,” she says to the silent court, “we can proceed with the sentencing.” She takes a moment to inhale sharply. “Execution. She has committed treason and nearly killed a member of the royal guard. The sentence shall be carried out in two days.”

“This is why magic is no longer allowed in Raedora,” the king adds, his voice echoing around the white-faced nobles who stare in shock at the weeping witch. “Its corruption may be slow, but it will only lead to more death if we allow it to flourish.” He gestures at the guards. “Take her away. The Black Cell.”

Keelan's back itches but he keeps his eyes fixed on the floor as the fire witch is led away.

“Bring the next one forward,” Maura calls, all trace of anger smoothing over into calm.

---

Keelan pushes open the door to the barracks with his shoulder, massaging his palm. His grip on his sword had been iron during the day's trials and his muscles are cramping up. Even after three weeks, he still isn't used to the constant weight of the sword or knife in his hand.

“And Princess Maura's my favorite, of course.”

Keelan's head snaps towards the conversation that's being held somewhere deeper in the barracks. He walks quietly, not wanting to give his presence away.

“If you're going to get a long shift,” the soldier continues, speaking to a group of soldiers gathered with cups of wine and plates of dinner, “you always want to get the princess. High-and-mighty Princess Maura won't talk to you, but she at least gives you something to look at.” He waggles his eyebrows and Keelan's hand tightens around the hilt of his sword. “And to dream about later.”

The barracks fall silent as Keelan's sword flashes in the torchlight, the tip resting at the hollow of the man's collarbone. “Say that again,” he says calmly.

“Sir Keelan,” someone behind him says. “We didn't—”

“Say it again.” He pushes the tip of his sword against the man's chest, pinning him to the wall. “The part about the princess.”

“I didn't mean—”

Keelan slams his hand into the wall next to the soldier's head, his eyes shooting sparks. “Let me make something abundantly clear,” he says through gritted teeth. The soldier is silent and white-faced, wide eyes darting around the barracks at the other soldiers. Nobody says a word. “If I hear the princess's name in your mouth again, I'll cut out your tongue. Is that clear?”

The soldier gives a short, terrified nod.

“That goes for all of you,” Keelan adds, glaring over his shoulder at the rest of the gathered soldiers. “Keep the princess's name off your fucking tongues or I'll remove them.”

He sheathes his sword and stalks out of the barracks.

---

Keelan knocks on Maura's door. “Princess Maura? You summoned me?”

The door flies open and she is standing there, her nightgown half-hanging off one shoulder and dark circles under her eyes. “Keys. Good.”

She yanks him into the room and shuts the door tight. Silver moonlight spills through the windows, the curtains thrown wide open. There are strange chalk markings on the floor and spellbooks scattered across nearly every surface. Maura's bed is still neatly made despite the late hour. Keelan rubs his eyes. “Maura, how long have you been awake?”

She glances at the bed. “I didn't go to bed, if that's what you're wondering. I stayed up to prepare the spell.”

“Spell?”

“Yes.” She picks her way around the books and papers on the floor, until she reaches the chalk circle. “I've been searching for a spell to find Birdie.”

Keelan rubs his eyes again, a headache pulsing to life behind them. “Maura—”

“I know—” Her voice breaks and he lowers his hand from his eyes to see her staring at the floor, her lip between her teeth. “I know you're mad at me right now. Just hear me out.”

He softens, because he hasn't been mad at her in days, not since the last of his burns faded to the physician's shock and he realized that she'd been using healing magic to speed up the process. It's only been a month since magic was outlawed, but the trials have progressed quickly. Keelan's lost track of how many have come before them. Maura's judgment is swift and harsh—he's gotten better at removing tongues and once, an eye. The man had stared too long at Maura's chest and Keelan had enjoyed carrying out the punishment. He doesn't think about it much, filing it away with the sick satisfaction of the raid captain's head in his hands.

“I don't think that Levi killed her,” Maura says, gathering bits of parchment off the floor and pulling Keelan back into the present moment. “I think he wanted us to think that he'd killed her, but I don't think he really did.”

“Why would he—”

“So that we wouldn't look for her.” He can see the desperate hope in her eyes and something in his chest cracks. She's been hiding this, even from him, because she's terrified of what she might find. What she might not find. He resolves not to argue any further, and is immediately challenged when she says, “I just need you to be here in case I drain myself by accident.”

“No,” he says, stepping forward over one of the spellbooks. “You're not taking any risks on this.”

“I thought you would want to help me.”

His hands clench into fists. “I won't stand here while you kill yourself.”

“That won't happen. It's not likely, but if I have to push—”

“Stop.” He reaches the chalk circle and hesitates there, not wanting to ruin the markings. He meets her eyes steadily. Her lip trembles. “You won't overexert yourself. Promise me.”

“I promise,” she says. “Come stand by me.”

He does as she asks, brushing his hand against hers. She grabs it, squeezing his fingers so tightly they feel like they might pop off. He squeezes back, offering comfort if she'll take it. He feels her relax next to him.

She speaks a few words in the magical language he's heard before and the chalk markings glow with golden light. She lets go of Keelan's hand and her nose scrunches up as she continues to speak. Crystals rise up from points in the circle and dissolve into golden threads of magic that weave together into a mirror, hanging in the air in front of Maura. She stops chanting and the mirror hangs there silently, its surface showing the two of them, pale and nervous.

“You have to speak the name of the person you're searching for,” Maura says quietly. She clears her throat. “Princess Brigit of Raedora.”

The mirror swirls with mist, the image of the two of them dissolving. The mist clears and the image that appears is one that's haunted Keelan for months. The pool of blood on the floor of Birdie's bedroom, the silver hair slowly turning red.

“No,” Maura says, her eyes brimming with tears. She curls her hand into a fist. “No, that can't be it.” She thinks for a moment. “Birdie. Show me Birdie.”

The mist swirls across the mirror's surface again before it only shows the two of them again. Keelan watches Maura's reflection as anger, despair, and then anger again flash across her face. She lets out a scream and thrusts her hand out, shattering the mirror with a bolt of golden magic. Keelan flinches as the pieces hit the ground and dissolve into golden mist. The hum of magic in the air fades.

“I spent months researching that spell,” Maura says, staring at the chalk circle. “I found it in Levi's research and I thought…” Her expression hardens. “If I found it in Levi's research, then he knows how to defend against it. I'll just have to find one he doesn't know already.”

“Maura,��� Keelan tries to say, but she doesn't seem to notice, reaching for one of the books on the floor. She tips, her eyelids fluttering, and he catches her before she hits the ground. He swings her up into his arms and carries her to the bed, maneuvering carefully around the spellbooks and scrolls littering the floor. Maura's head lolls against his shoulder and he lays her down gently, arranging the blankets over her.

“You broke your promise,” he says softly, leaning forward to kiss her forehead. “You overexerted yourself.”

“I'm fine,” she says, but the circles under her eyes are darker than ever and he can tell she's trying very hard not to pass out. “I'm fine.”

“It's over. It's okay.” He sets his hand on her face and smiles softly at her. “I forgive you.”

She turns her face into his hand, tears caught in her eyelashes. He stays with her until she is peacefully asleep.

[danielnelsen]

there’s so much i wanna do this week/month/etc but i’m just too sick, i have no energy, i can’t sleep, i’m constantly nauseous and headachey and on the verge of a migraine, i’m stressed and irritable and impatient and panicky…….how tf did i survive nearly 5 years of high school untreated if i can’t even manage this when i don’t have any major obligations rn

[skipp3r]

I wish the catholic church wasnt a piece of shit liar bitch

[delicris]

life is being real fucking funny w me failing physics and then having to miss my lesson bcs it got swapped w another one (which i was fine w skipping)... bcs yk i kinda can't miss my six hour bus ride to the other side of the country to take those fucking uni entrance exams

[aizenat]

There is this girl I went to hs with and the nicest way I can say this is this girl was smart but not particularly so, and had a high sense of self despite being remarkably average. Again, that's the nicest way I can say that. She also got very triggered whenever I was better at her than something (in all fairness, she was like that with anyone better than her, but my friend caught her shit talking me once when I was the only person in my English class to get an A on my Catcher in the Rye essay--something I expected simply because I'm a writer, was then, and I never once got anything less than A on an essay my entire hs career--and that pissed me off particularly because my writing is the ONE thing in this world I can truly say I do better than most people).

Anyway, I learned a while ago that she moved to Boston, and she was associated with Harvard in some way. Without getting too into it, she works there in the weirdest and most random department (not as a professor or anything meaningful or prestigious, which will make sense in a second), doing basically admin shit it seems. I was curious because she's still listed on their site and it says she's been there for like eleven years. I was wondering if she ended up going there as a student in something, but without a linkden or something, I couldn't see. But every time I googled her name and the school, the only thing that came up was her staffing position. No information to indicate she was a student.

Which is funny. I looked up to see if you can go to Harvard for free if you work there, and the do have a reimbursement program, but you'd only get like 75% of fees back, so you'd still have to come out of pocket. And this is an IVY, so that's going to be pretty. And considering what she does, I can't imagine it paying that much where she could easily afford it. Maybe she does take classes and is slowly working her way to some kinda degree, but I doubt it. I feel like she'd at least be able to brag by now given how long she's been there (the site fucking says when she started lol).

Either way, the reason this is funny to me is because she was never even close or talented or impressive enough to anyone let alone college admissions to get into a school like Harvard (I know for a fact she didn't get in in hs lol), and transferring into schools is typically easier, she didn't get her degrees from there according to the site. So I just lowkey find it funny because the closest she'd ever get to Harvard is not as a student or even as someone brought in to teach, but by getting some admin job and sticking around long enough to get her picture on the school's site. She looks so proud in her Harvard shirt, thinking she finally "made it" but never in a way that would actually impress everyone.

It just all feels very fitting for her. In the right spaces to be around more impressive people while being overwhelmingly mediocre her own damn self lol.

[britneyshakespeare]

in a very strange way which confounds all logic and human emotion, i do enjoy substitute teaching

[fingertipsmp3]

Why does nothing ever go normally for me. Why is nothing ever straightforward. Just once, when someone tells me they’re going to email me something important, can they actually ✨do it✨

[avatarchic]

— FOREIGNER

How the Karasuno boys would react to meeting Shoyo's foreign cousin.

— starring. karasuno boys x foreign exchange student!reader (separately), student teacher!reader in ukai's

— tags. fluff, first meetings, pining

— warnings. use of 'pretty' and 'cute' to describe reader, but no pronouns are used, you slap ryuu in his LOL, mild suggestive comment in ryuu's if you squint

— requested? yes! thank you so much for your request this was fun to write :)

— notes. some of these are longer than others sorry ADHKWH my biases are showing a lil // this ended up being a first meeting + how they act when they start crushing on you, but it they're so cute so i didnt wanna change it lolol

daichi is whipped for you from the start

he doesn't show it (or he doesn't think he does) but he's attracted to you the second he lays eyes on you

he's extra sure to be polite to you, too embarrassed too show his brasher nature in case it scares you off

he loses his backbone whenever you're around

he needs to scold some of the first years for goofing off, but you're standing there? he's all sunshine and rainbows

when he finds out that you're a foreign exchange student, he's over the moon

he subtly finds out your classes from shoyo, who of course doesn't realize his intentions as he blurts out your schedule happily

he checks up on you often, making sure you're adjusting well to japan because "what kind of captain would he be if he let his underclassman's cousin have a hard time?"

the team is none the wiser, except for maybe koshi who sees through his shit immediately

he has a habit of patting your head as a greeting, even if he's just passing you in the hallways even if you complain about him messing up your hair

overall, he's super soft with you :)

sawamura daichi! was annoyed when he met you. shoyo hadn't shown up to practice and wasn't answering his phone, which left the captain ready to send the orange-haired freshman to an early grave. after kei made a smart remark that he saw shoyo lingering near the school entrance, he was on a mission to give the boy hell.

kei was right, of course. when daichi made his way to the entrance, he saw shoyo right away. he stomps over, lips parting to lecture the younger male about responsibilities when his eyes ghost over you. he stops short, shoyo's name barely dropping from his mouth as he pauses.

when you both turn to him, daichi feels his breath catch in his throat. it was clear that you weren't from around here. your odd sense of dress stuck out like a sore thumb—not to mention he had never seen you before. but if anything, he thought you were pretty.

"you're late for practice," daichi states lamely, barely managing to tear his gaze away from you to glower at shoyo. "i ought to put you on cleaning duty tonight."

the threat fell on deaf ears, shoyo's large grin unfaltering as he wraps an arm around your midsection in a tight hug. "captain! sorry, sorry," he apologizes, though the wide grin on his face told daichi he wasn't serious. "my cousin texted me that they were here, so i had to say hi!"

at his words, you finally snap out of your stupor, offering daichi a small smile. "i didn't realize he had practice. i wouldn't have called him out if i knew."

daichi presses his lips together, feeling his ears warm at your kind tone. "it's okay," he says softly. "i'll let him off for now. it's nice to meet you—i'm sawamura daichi."

when you introduce yourself, he finds himself repeating your name in his head.

"oi," he clears his throat, turning to shoyo with a deadpan expression. "c'mon. we're late enough already." daichi turns to bow his head at you politely, quickly turning around before you can see the warmth in his cheeks.

your sweet voice calls out a goodbye, and daichi decides then and there that he wants to get to know you better.

"hey, hey—why are you so red?"

"you're gonna shut up now if you want to go home early tonight."

koshi didn't realize you were shoyo's cousin until after he got to know you a little

he couldn't help it—when he saw you he just thought you were super cute lmao

he fumbles a bit in front of you

he really really tries to be a cool, calm, and collected person but sometimes he embarrasses himself by saying odd things or staring at you a little too long

when he does figure out you're related to his underclassman, he takes the opportunity to get to know you better

and when he finds out you're in his homeroom? even better

the type to arrange study session together with you every weekend just to spend time with you

he actually invites you to watch their practices and games before shoyo does LOL

the whole team knows about his feelings and he doesn't even care, constantly throwing an arm over you shoulder and hanging around you during downtimes

wants to impress you, so he gives it his all (and then some) whenever you're there

his sets get more accurate and he even blocks more hits than he would've before

he really wants you to think he's cool

but if you compliment him, he's exploding on the spot

suguwara koshi! had no idea you were shoyo's cousin when he met you. you looked nothing alike and your personalities were completely different. despite you being a complete stranger, the lost look on your face amused him.

you met koshi when shoyo accidentally stranded you at the train station. you were supposed to take the same train to his house, but he didn't notice you weren't right behind him when he stepped into the train car. the last you saw of the tangerine-haired boy was the back of his head as the doors closed on you.

you were standing there in a panic, though no one stopped to check if you were okay. shoyo had you hold his schoolbag while he dragged your suitcase along, and when you tried calling his cellphone you heard it buzz in the bag that hung on your shoulder. for the life of you, you couldn't remember which stop to get off or which streets to take to get to his house.

"are you lost?" a gentle voice asks you, pulling you from your anxious thoughts.

your eyes meet and koshi can't help but think you're cute as hell. you look doe-eyed in your panic, rounded eyes and parted lips. when you don't answer right away, koshi's cool demeanor switches and he stumbles into an embarrassed frenzy. "wait, can you even understand japanese?"

thankfully, you do, having learned it from shoyo at a younger age. you blink away the remnants of your panic with a few hasty nods. "yes, sorry. my cousin accidentally left me here, and i don't really know how to get to his house..."

koshi calms down at your insistence, chuckling to himself. "do you know the address?"

you wince, "no."

"alright," he says in a way that he hopes is soothing for you. "i can keep you company while you wait for him to return, then. it'd probably be nicer than just standing here by yourself."

when you agree, he hides his smile. he asks you several icebreakers, such as your name and your favourite colour. with every passing second, he only thinks you're even cuter than when he first saw you.

eventually, shoyo does come back, panting and heaving as he runs up the stairs to the station platform. his bright eyes widen when he sees you together with koshi. "oh, sugawara? you've met my cousin?"

koshi meets your eyes with a grin. "i guess we'll be seeing each other more often."

honestly asahi doesn't even acknowledge you when you first meet

he doesn't find out you're shoyo's cousin for weeks, so you're really just another classmate to him

you don't even talk to each other until like a month or so after you transferred

and even then, your conversations are short

he's polite to you when you work together, but he doesn't really try to become friends with you

don't get him wrong! he thinks you're nice and pretty, but he is too damn shy to initiate anything with you

you kinda think he hates you at first, but after you realize that he's just not an outgoing person you relax around him

when he does find out you're related to shoyo, you end up seeing each other more often out of class

you show up to more practices, even if you're just sitting on the benches doing homework

shoyo even drags you along whenever the team meets up outside of school to hang out

as a result, you and asahi eventually grow closer and he opens up more bit by bit

he doesn't actually start crushing on you until graduation nears

he realizes it when he hears you cheering his name at one of their bigger games

he thinks his name sounds prettier coming from you

he doesn't initiate any skinship with you, but he's always asking about your day and checking on you in his own ways

will absolutely combust if you even so much as brush pinkies as you're walking together

azumane asahi! first met you in class. like koshi, he doesn't know you're related to shoyo initially. when the teacher introduces you, making you write your name on the board, you don't have the same last name as shoyo. he doesn't really pay much attention to you, minding his own business as he takes out his notebook and pens.

several weeks pass and your homeroom teacher announces that you'll be partnering up for a group presentation. your first real conversation with him goes as expected—you exchange contact information and go your separate ways when the bell rings.

he thinks you're attractive, but he's too shy to actually act on those thoughts and he just pushes through the project, interacting with you as little as possible.

it's only when shoyo forgets his volleyball uniform at your house that asahi figures out you're related.

he sees you first, standing in the gym entrance while you wait to be invited in. you look hesitant as your eyes cast over the several members of the volleyball club, your gaze landing on asahi. when recognition flickers behind your eyes, he thinks you're there for him.

he opens his mouth to greet you, but before he can even utter a word, an orange blur runs past him. you're almost knocked on your ass as shoyo tackles you, excitedly calling out your name. "what're you doing here?" he asks you, tilting his head as he releases you from his death grip. "you never come to practice."

"you left your uniform at mine," you explain quietly, pulling the clothing out of your bag.

there's a moment of silence, before all hell breaks loose. the others scream and yell at shoyo, yuu and ryuunosuke shaking him by the shoulders as they demand why they weren't informed about his girlfriend.

even asahi's jaw drops at the thought of you, his classmate and group partner, dating shoyo, of all people.

"we aren't dating!" you exclaim, shaking your hands in front of you adamantly as disgust paints over your facial features. "we're cousins."

as the club eventually quiets down, you meet asahi's gaze over the commotion. when you offer him a bashful smile, he can't help but return it.

as expected, yuu is also whipped for you the second you meet

he swears on his life that he has never met someone as perfect as you—not even kiyoko (which says a lot)

at first, his attraction to you is entirely physical and he doesn't hide it

he compliments you every time he sees you he even compliments your outfits even if you're just wearing the karasuno uniform

he practically begs shoyo to bring you to practice just so he has an excuse to ogle at you and profess his 'undying love'

you'd probably make good friends with kiyoko, bonding over the second years' unabashed feelings and loud professions of love lol

though he's completely smitten with your looks, yuu doesn't learn a thing about you until like two months after your transfer

he realizes it when koshi asks if he knows anything about you and no, the fact that you're pretty doesn't count as something

during a late night run to the nearest convenience store, he runs into you

you're dressed casually, and he realizes it's actually the first time he's seen you outside of uniform

he thinks you're very cute in your bunny pajamas

he approaches you with koshi's words in mind, and asks if you want to hang out for a bit

your hang outs become a common thing, and eventually it's your weekend tradition to meet at the convenient store after sundown

after really getting to know you, he realizes that he likes more than just your appearance

shockingly, once he figures out his feelings for you, he tones down a lot

he would stop confessing his love for you every moment he could, but he gets casually affectionate with you

he'd always stand close enough for your shoulders to touch and would absentmindedly guide you places by taking your hand

he's never had a real crush on anyone before, so he's feeling it out with you

nishinoya yuu! has hearts in his eyes the moment he meets you. shoyo brought you to practice one day, excited to introduce his favourite cousin to his teammates. he had all but dragged you to the gym by the wrist, ignoring your insistent utterings that you can walk on your own.

"this is my cousin!" shoyo announces the second he bursts through the doors in true hinata shoyo fashion. you were the last ones to show up, so the entire team was there to witness you getting dragged in by shoyo. "they transferred here from overseas."

yuu feels the world stop once he glances over at you after receiving a particularly harsh spike from tobio, freezing into his squatted position. his world becomes a romcom movie—he swears someone must be blowing a fan in your direction with the way your hair sways as you walk into the gym. he might even be seeing the air sparkle in your presence.

he's absolutely starstruck with you, and he makes no effort to hide it as he bounds over to you. he takes your hands in his, looking at you with wide eyes as he takes you in. he can hear someone groaning, maybe daichi, as they mutter something along the lines of "he's at it again."

"i'm nishinoya yuu," he introduces himself. "you're really cute!"

your mouth opens, but no words come out as you simply stare at yuu in surprise. shoyo had given you a brief rundown of his group members, and you realize that this might be why he warned you about the libero in particular.

even when daichi smacks the back of his head, apologizing to you quietly, yuu remains in his lovestruck gaze.

you stay to watch their practice, at both shoyo and yuu's insistence, and yuu makes a point to be even more extravagant than usual. you can't help but laugh at his boisterous rolling receives and the way he calls out ridiculous move names.

oh ryuu. typical ryuu.

the first words he ever speaks to you end up with him getting slapped

like yuu, he thinks you've been blessed by the gods with your looks and he makes it clear to you when you meet

he asks you to go out with him, only to blatantly check you out right after, which earned him a smack to the face

eventually, he does apologize for his behaviour, though you don't accept it right away

when you tell him that you hate guys who treat others like eye candy, he's sure to tone it down for you

of course, a man can't change overnight

he still flirts with you, and with other women—he can't help it ;( him n yuu are menaces

however, when he's not being an absolute pest, he gets to know you

he learns about your interests and hobbies, and finds himself indulging you in them (who would've thought he'd end up enjoying the art of bracelet making?)

when you become close friends, you become his person

he goes to you whenever he wants to talk about something, and he lends an ear whenever you need to vent

he asks you about your home country often, wanting to know more about your life before you came to japan

he'd even go out of his way to do things for you that remind you of home whenever you start feeling homesick :)

it's not until well after graduation when he realizes that he might actually like you

tanaka ryuunosuke! was mid confession when you met. shoyo had brought you to one of their games, and just as ryuunosuke was getting on his knees to ask kiyoko to marry him, his eyes fall on you.

it's almost astounding how quickly the second year moved from the glasses-wearing beauty to you, appearing in front of you in an instant. before shoyo can even introduce you, he stares you down with a steeled expression, his eyes narrowing.

"you're the prettiest person i've ever had the pleasure of laying eyes on," he claims in his most serious tone. he takes your hands in his as he presses his lips to your knuckles. "please go out with me."

there's a collective sigh as the team turns away at his antics. you, on the other hand, feel your head pound in irritation. "excuse me?"

ryuunosuke doesn't hear the vexation in your tone, or chooses to ignore it, as his eyes trail over your features. even when you're staring at him in an angry disbelief, he thinks you're incredibly pretty. however, as his eyes drop lower and lower, his mind enters a less-than-appropriate headspace.

the feeling of your hand connecting with his cheek rips him out of his lewd daydreams. you didn't slap him hard, but the sound echoed over the loud chatter of the audience members anyway. "you pervert," you utter, gritting your teeth as you turn on your heel. you barely tell shoyo good luck as you all but stomp off to the bleachers.

ryuunosuke stares at your back, holding his reddening cheek in mild awe. yuu nudges his side. "don't tell me you're into that, man."

he at least has the grace to blush.

to be honest, you and tobio do not get along until much later

it's not because you're related to shoyo it is

he just genuinely has no idea how to talk to you lmao

you meet him on the first day of school with shoyo

the realization that he may be teammates with the very guy he had practically berated in middle school took priority over greeting you tbh

it's only after their initial fight when he realizes that you, a complete stranger, saw him yell at shoyo as harshly as he did (even if shoyo didn't have many nice things to say either)

he's kinda embarrassed abt it tbh

like?? you had to see him like that?? he's mortified

so when he joins the volleyball club and you're a manager, he avoids you like the plague

when he talks to you, he accidentally comes across as if he hates your guts (he doesn't, he just cannot properly converse with people to save his life)

your relationship is extremely terse for months, since you get pissed off at his behaviour and he doesn't know how to act normally around you

he doesn't warm up to you until one of their games later in the season, where the morale is low and the team is hanging their heads

you give them an uplifting speech, telling the team that they're stronger than they think

it's the first time tobio looks at you in a pleasant light, and he merely puts a hand on your shoulder to say thanks as he makes his way back to the court

slowburn as fuck tbh he might not even realize he likes you until you're about to graduate (cut him some slack he's only a lil slow)

kageyama tobio! barely acknowledges your existence when you meet. you had moved to japan before their first year at karasuno began, so you showed up with shoyo to the first day.

of course, tobio recognized shoyo immediately from their encounter in middle school. shoyo had dragged you to the gym to go with him to sign up for the volleyball club, insistent that you try to apply to be a manager or something. tobio was there, about to spike a volleyball.

the second shoyo and tobio lock eyes on each other, they're at it like cats and dogs, and you're left standing there in confusion. seeing shoyo as angry as he was is shocking to you and you wonder what the hell this other guy must've done to rile up your sunshine cousin so much.

tobio doesn't even look at you as he argues with shoyo, not meeting your eyes until after the fight has 'calmed' down. he stares at you quietly for a moment before averting his gaze, grumbling something under his breath as he leaves to retrieve the volleyball shoyo made him drop.

he doesn't say anything to you as you talk quietly with daichi about becoming a manager. he vaguely overhears shoyo introducing you as his cousin, but he's too annoyed to listen.

later on, when him and shoyo are finally accepted into the club, and you're brought on as a manager-in-training, tobio still ignores you.

you don't have your first conversation until a week later, when you corner him after practice. "what is your problem?" you demand, your hands propped on your hips. "i know you don't like sho, but you haven't said a single word to me since you joined the club."

tobio flushes in embarrassment as he stares at you. he doesn't mean to, but his eyes narrow into what could be perceived as a harsh glare. "i don't have anything to say," he says truthfully, his voice coming out colder than necessary.

when he rushes off to hide his growing fluster, you're left standing there confused.

you and kei barely interacted at first tbh

he had never seen you before and it was the weekend when you met so he had no reason to assume you'd ever talk again really

even after finding out you were related to shoyo, he didn't bat an eye

after all, he's not exactly going over to the orange-haired boy's house for sleepovers lolol

but to his surprise, you're in his classroom the next monday morning as a foreign exchange student

your classmates rush to you, overwhelming you with numerous questions about your hometown, and it's clear to kei that you're flustered

you meet his gaze over the crowd of people, and for a moment you're shocked to see him

however, before either of you can do anything, you get bombarded with even more questions

to your surprise and his, kei scoffs as he approaches your crowded desk

"can't you see you're bothering them?"

the gaggle of students dissipates with embarrassed apologies, leaving you and kei alone

your relationship with him from then on is odd

there's an unspoken agreement that you both don't like being bothered by other people, and you lowkey bond over it

he would never admit you're friends, but he comes to your rescue often

if you can't understand a phrase or if you don't know the answer to a question in class, he'll quietly help you out (but don't bother asking about it, 'cus he'll deny it vehemently)

when you start hanging out during practices, he ruffles your hair and rests his arm on your head regardless of your height

making fun of you is his love language (not that he'd ever admit he has feelings)

tsukishima kei! meets you when you're babysitting natsu. the team had been out getting ice cream (as per koshi's insistence—for team building), leaving kei in a sour mood because he would rather be anywhere than here.

"shoyo! sho!"

the whole team looks over, seeing a little girl who is the spitting image of their short middle blocker running toward them. kei's expression drops even more, because there's two of them?

shoyo almost drops his ice cream cone with the way the little girl jumps on him. "what are you doing here?" shoyo asks, scrambling to catch his sweet treat. "where's—"

before he can finish his sentence, another figure comes running at them, out of breath. "natsu!" you scold airily as you make your way up to the team, hunching over and resting your hands on your knees as you try to catch your breath. "jesus, don't just run off like that!"

you look up at shoyo from your hunched position, letting kei get a good look at your face. you're flushed, sweat beading on your brow bone and lips are parted as you breathe harshly through them. it's clear to the blond that you've been running around for some time now, something that makes him snort into his strawberry ice cream cup.

"sorry, sho," you wince, practically dragging the little girl, natsu, to your side. "she ran off while i was paying for her snacks. she probably saw you through the window." you vaguely gesture to a nearby convenience store, holding up a bag of candy.

you talk with shoyo for another moment, before turning to the rest of the team. your eyes briefly meet kei's and he arches a brow at you. you apologize for interrupting them, but daichi insists that you're fine and that you and natsu can hang around since you're there anyway.

as a result, you and kei end up standing near each other as the group converses. kei had been hanging a little bit away from the others, minus tadashi of course. you end up near him by coincidence—you don't know the others, and the three of you end up quietly sitting in acknowledgement that you didn't want to talk.

my darling baby tadashi is a mess when you meet <3

he was practicing his volleyball skills when he accidentally whams you in the face

he'd feel guilty about it for a while (even if you insist you're fine) and would use it as an excuse to buy you drinks from the vending machines lol

"this is the fourth drink you've bought me this week??"

"i have to make up for hitting you somehow :((("

becoming friends with tadashi is surprisingly easy, given how shy he can be

it becomes a habit to meet you by the vending machines before practice

the time in the halls between classes and volleyball are spent getting to know you

he asks a lot of questions about what it's like in your hometown and the differences in your culture

i don't think he'd start liking you until after you also get close with kei though lol good luck

the first time he sees you joking around with the tall blond, he thinks his heart is about to beat out of his chest

you must be an angel, he decides as he watches you get along with kei

the three of you form a trio and you end up spending more time with them than shoyo LOL

kei absolutely knows about tadashi's feelings and takes every opportunity to tease him about it whilst you're blissfully unaware

he's so so smitten around you after he realizes he likes you

the type to look at you like you hung the stars in the sky yourself and to becoming maddeningly red whenever you so much as make eye contact with him

yamaguchi tadashi! hits you in the head the first time he meets you. he was in the gym alone, practicing his float serve. you pushed through the heavy metal doors just in time to get slammed in the face with a ball gone awry.

he feels his heart drop to his toes as he quickly rushes over to you, asking if you're alright and if you need to see the nurse. his panic only worsens when he realizes you're bleeding from your nose.

although the hit shocked you, you're left watching in amusement as tadashi scrambles to find something to stop your nosebleed with. when he eventually returns to you, having ran from the boys washroom to grab a wad of papertowel, he apologizes again softly.

"are you okay now...?" he asks when your nosebleed finally stops. he looks almost like a kicked puppy, his hair falling limply into his eyes.

even after you reassure him that you're fine, tadashi still wears his guilt like a crown. he offers to buy you something from the vending machines, and does so despite your insistence that he doesn't need to.

"you can accept it for my sake," he says sheepishly as he offers you the cold can. the two of you converse quietly, with you introducing yourself as a new foreign exchange student.

"oh!" he suddenly lets out, looking over at you. "did you need something in the gym?"

"i was looking for my cousin," you sigh. "he said he was in the volleyball club and i haven't been able to find him at all today."

he's shocked when he finds out that you're shoyo's cousin—the boy had talked about you earlier in the week when he found out you were transferring to karasuno. as you talk, tadashi thinks to himself that shoyo never mentioned how cute you were.

your first meeting with keishin is awkward

ltrly knocks you off your feet when he runs into you

he's kind of brash when he meets you, not caring if you think of him badly because of it

you don't have much of a relationship at first—your work pulls you to the classrooms after all, so he doesn't really see you around often

the next time he sees you, you're stomping into the gymnasium mid practice with an irked expression

he's about to tell you off for interrupting practice, but he quiets when he sees you make your way to your younger cousin

he only watches in amusement when you tell him off for his horrid grades

when shoyo turns to keishin for help, he only shrugs with a lazy grin on his face

"sorry, little man, you heard 'em. no volleyball games until you raise your grades"

to shoyo's chagrin, you and keishin make a terrifying pair for him (and the other three idiots lolol)

you only really start hanging out with him when you end up making a late night run at his convenience store

it's the first time he sees you in casual clothing and the case of beer in your hands makes him laugh

"you wanna share that?"

he becomes your drinking buddy every other weekend, and he grows to cherish the time you spend chugging back cans of beer with him

keeps his feelings on the downlow, but as time goes on even the boys realize that their coach has a soft spot for you

ukai keishin! bodies you the first time you meet. the man doesn't realize his own strength until he literally knocks you flat on his ass after he turns a corner and bumps into you. his eyes go wide when the books and papers in your hands go flying, falling around you in a frenzy.

"shit," he curses under his breath, bending down to pick up your things. "sorry 'bout that." his voice is gruff as he speaks, collecting your papers without much care. when he returns them to you, some of them are scuffed and crumpled.

as he's handing you your things, he finally gets a good look at you. you're dressed more formally than he is by a mile. he holds a hand out to help you to your feet, his brown eyes falling to the lanyard around your neck.

"you new here?" he asks, jutting his chin out to gesture to your nametag. student teacher is typed above your name and picture.

you nod deftly, brushing off any dirt from your dress pants. "i started today. and you are?" your eyes meet his, and he knows you're silently scrutinizing him. he's much too old to be a student, you deduce easily, but he's dressed far more casually than any other other teachers.

when your eyes drift up to his bleached hair, he snorts. "i'm the coach for the volleyball club," he grumbles. "i don't need to be wearing fancy shit like you."

he sees your eyes light up in recognition as he analyzes your face with crossed arms. "the volleyball club? you must know my cousin then. hinata shoyo?"

keishin deadpans at you. "you're the runt's cousin?"

©AVATARCHIC please do not plagiarize, repost, translate, or copy any of my works.

[azelletown]

im so glad this series got big and now i finally get to read it but also this is going to destroy me by the end of it huh

chapter 38 absolutely fucked me up, this shit is just real, i've been in situations and arguments exactly like this (minus the dragon sister and all) where i've lost what i thought were friendships because i had finally failed one too many social awareness checks

especially these panels had me pause and take a second

like, laios' point of view of their friendship was so nice and sureau, instead of being honest, bottled it up because he applied his assumptions of social awareness onto laios who then couldn't have ever known something was wrong

harmless examples of things i used to do and can talk about here: in middle school i would tap my fingers onto my desk to the rhythm of whatever song was in my head, and at the end of the 4 entire years we spent together, one of my friends lashes out at me about how i'm annoying everyone with it, and then more of my friends and other classmates would start telling me and scolding me about that and all the other habits i had that were annoying them as if those were things i were doing to purposefully piss people off. i even had a teacher yell at me seemingly out of nowhere because i'd lay head on my desk in her class and she apparently always took it as me being rude and "falling asleep" ??? in highschool i mispronounced a guy's name for 2 years until he called me a dick for it even though he never told me how to pronounce it correctly!!!!! i would also stare a lot, all the time, but again people only told me after so much time had passed that they just got mad at me

it got so bad that i started to minmax most of my social interactions, and i still do it with most of my IRLs to this day

i was literally hit with the Laios to Kabru Pipeline

Anyways this manga is peak, the show is also peak, go read/watch the neurodivergent dnd lesbian cooking show, i feel like im going to have a LOT to say about kabru in the future chapters

[jensthwa]

we can't be friends (CS x reader).

part of the love's an uncharted path universe ★.

SUMMARY:

San is your first love. He broke your heart and played with your feelings without even kissing you back when you two were in highschool. Now, many years later, you do your best to avoid crossing paths with him because there's just no way you could ever hate him, but there's also no way you two can be friends again. But his best friend is also one of your best friends, so there's only so much you can do to avoid San when he arranges a dinner you're forced to go to.

PAIRING: first love!choi san x afab reader.

GENRE: one shot (fluff, angst, smut)

WORD COUNT: 20k (yikes).

WARNINGS: SMUT ☽ (MINORS DNI) attempt !!! at comedy, unnecesary pinning, a looot of context, bad friends :(, some arguing, tension, drinking and drunk behavior, tears, making out, description of female anatomy, oral (f reciving), fingering, love making, pet names (babe, baby), flirty seonghwa, wooyoung being a little shit again but also a genius, gyuri almost commiting a crime.

NOTES: hi everyone! this is a lenghty one, i know, but trust me when I say the context is necessary to understand what reader goes through with san. also, some of this may or may not have happened to me (have fun figuring out which part) (it's quite obvious tbh). THIS IS PART OF THE SHOW AND TELL UNIVERSE BUT CAN BE READ AS A STAND ALONE, even though there's some references and characters that you can only know if you read s&t lol. this is 100% self indulgent, as all fics should be, and i think i've re-read it so many times that if you find a typo or something that just doesn't make sense, you can blame it on english not being my first language i guess lmao. i hope you enjoy it and if you do feel free to send/reblog/type in any feedback or thoughts! <3

POSTED: august 06 2024.

permanent taglist: @hotteokkay, @potatomountain, @fairylover68

masterlist.

You and Choi San go way back. 

Well, it's nine years way back? You were only fourteen when you first saw him. 

He moved back to your area of the city a year after you moved from an entirely different one. You thought you knew every school secret there ever was, provided by your new best friend, Gyuri, but she didn't tell you about him at all. 

She claimed that it was because he didn't cause any stir the years they studied together before and after spending a whole first period in your eighth grade classroom with him at the back of the class, silently taking notes, you couldn't phantom why.

He was great at every subject, seemed to have a lot of popular friends and was, overall, a pretty nice guy. He was also very cute, skinny but you could tell he was the kind of guy who played a sport outside of school hours and he had a cute pair of dimples that showed everytime you scanned the classroom just to lay eyes on him. 

Choi San was a perfect boy to crush on, even a perfect guy just to have as eye candy during recess. You felt really strongly about him, not really forming a full opinion although your gut told you right away you were right. There was something about him… but you only figured that something until later, next year, starting your ninth grade. 

Gyuri and you were avid readers. Precocious girls, with minds way above your age. All your teachers praised came laced with the same compliment so you both decided that was the truth. You rejoiced in it, thinking you shared things in common with the grown ups and decided that that was the key to feeling a little superior in comparison to the rest of your classmates, who neither of you liked very much. 

Until they all decided to start dating each other and you two realized you were nothing but two kids with great imaginations and a love for school, praise and fictional men that couldn't be translated to the real world without sounding delusional and weird. 

So you decided to do something about it. And so, on a random Tuesday recess, you two scanned the crowd trying to find two boys (or a boy and a girl, because you always knew you liked girls too) worthy of your affections. One for her, one for you. Bonus points if the two of them were also best friends, of course. 

Double dates were all the buzz at the time anyways. 

Besides, only then they could understand the bond you and Gyuri had. Sisterhood like no other, nevermind Gyuri actually had an older sister and a niece at the ripe age of fifteen. 

And so when your index finger scanned the crowd and eliminated at least three potential crushes before landing on Choi San, you felt like it was meant to be. 

You see, his best friend, Jung Wooyoung, was perfect for Gyuri to crush on. He was almost as tall as she was at the time and his easy, outgoing personality was compatible with her book crush at the time as well. 

He also flirted with her on several occasions before that. 

So it was meant to be. 

Choi San, on the other hand, had never even glanced in your direction before. 

Just like your book crush did before he fell in love with the main character. 

See? Meant. To. Be. 

It was decided then that, although Choi San was not going to be your first crush ever, he was going to be the guy that motivated you to be at school for the time being, because math gets really boring after trying and failing at least ten times. 

You thought nothing of it when it felt a little forced, when you couldn't blush at all at the sight of him and you gathered that it didn't need to happen like in the books you read. You simply needed to say his name when someone asked you if you had a crush on anyone and that was enough to be in symphony with the rest of your classmates. 

Your longing glances were caught once or twice by him and you brushed the weird flip your stomach did everytime he looked away, blushing a little. You never really cared when it happened, really, knowing his crowd and your crowd (Gyuri and you) would never even cross paths in the first place. 

You two kept to yourselves and your little book unofficial book club, sitting on the floor at lunch time and cursing everyone who dared to call you weird for it. San and Wooyoung had a crowd of people at the loudest table laughing with them over stupid teen jokes and, uh, sports? You didn't even know. 

And then the unimaginable happened. 

Jung Wooyoung sat down, criss cross applesauce and everything, in front of you on a random Monday afternoon while you and Gyuri discussed the english assignment due next period. 

Gyuri was not too excited about that. 

Turns out, the only one excited to have a crush at school was you. She was very much still in the Lonely Hearts Club phase while you skipped all the way to your The Notebook phase and she was, in her own words, too afraid to admit it when you came up with your crush plan. 

You forgave her, of course, and decided to wait for her as long as needed because you were certainly not about to be an individual and have a crush on your own. 

And by the time Wooyoung smiled at you both and introduced himself to you, like you weren't in the same class for a year already, you thought your pretend crush on his best friend evaporated and joined the void superficial and fleeting interests you had. 

But then Choi San sat beside him, his knee brushing against yours in the process, and you knew you would have to issue a formal apology to your best and only friend for leaving her behind on this little thing. 

Because, oh boy, were you crushing on Choi San. 

You felt the blush rush to your cheeks and then fell silent while your friend and his friend discussed Fifty Shades of Grey for some reason you never cared enough to discover and you knew you were done for.

It was the first time seeing his dimples in full action, so close to you, so you completely stopped functioning all together. Amazing. 

When you decided to have a crush, you never took into account that you were, actually, quite shy. And he really wasn't, but you noticed that he knew when to talk and what to say and with your friend being a lot more outgoing that you were it gave you the comfort that she would speak for the both of you while you admired from the sidelines as your little duo became a group of friends you still miss deeply to this day. 

He was funny and you laughed at your jokes even though you pretended to be tired and completely worn out by the school day, resting your head on Gyuri’s shoulder and stealing glances at the boy while she kept arguing with his best friend. 

Wooyoung was popular and liked enough to have a few people sit with you later that week, people who never even knew you existed before that. They were good friends with San as well, so you tried your best to keep up with everyone until she sat down next to you one day. 

Arin was not really a bad person. She just was a bit conceited, calling herself princess type of conceited and you never really related to her even if she was nice to you to your face. She was absolutely gorgeous and, you found out with Wooyoung’s arm around your shoulder and a whisper to your ear, she had been San’s crush since they were both in elementary school. 

That would explain the sudden tension at the table when she sat down next to you, said hello to everyone, offered you a sweet she just bought from the cafeteria, and stared at San for the remainder of lunch time. 

You also noticed Wooyoung glaring at her a little and he later explained to you that he didn't really like her all that much. She loved attention and San gave her attention, so she would intentionally flirt with him to get her ego stroked in return. 

It didn't really matter how he felt about the girl, though, he didn't have to like her just because his best friend did. And when you caught her batting her eyelashes at San, you knew you didn't even stand a chance.

You tried to hide the disappointed look on your face but both Gyuri and Wooyoung looked at you while the two of them flirted endlessly for the remainder of lunch time and you figured you were doing a pretty shitty job at it. He didn't glance at you once either way, so it didn't really matter. 

Arin did but she just complimented your eyes and then started a conversation with someone across the table, her annoying sweet and fake voice making your right ear ring in disapproval. 

Either way, you ended up becoming her friend. Gyuri was not very fond of her and neither were you, but you all went to the bathroom together, did your makeup together, did school projects together and then sat everyday at lunch together with the rest of the guys who were, in one way or another, trying to get her to like them. 

Because, once again, she was a sight for sore eyes. 

It wasn't until later, in the middle of the year, that one of them did. Not Choi San, but Choi Yeonjun. 

You remember the day you found out they were together and the gut wrenching concern you felt when you found out that San was not at school that day. 

It was after summer break, you remember Wooyoung telling you that San and his family took a few more days of vacation and if you couldn't believe your eyes when you saw the new couple sharing a sweet kiss at the designated lunch table, you could only imagine how San felt the next day when he saw the same image right in front of him. 

Yeonjun was his friend, right? He knew about his crush and decided to get together with her anyways. Surely, San was devastated. 

But he wasn't. He just cheered them on and then laughed along when Yeonjun shoved his arm playfully after the hollering. 

But you saw through it. 

Your crush on San made you observant. Made you believe you knew him better than everyone else and so, after lunch, you took out your phone and pulled up the notes app. Writing a simple “are you okay?” in it and passing it to him the next second, you were surprised with yourself before you saw him frown a bit. And then he understood what you meant. 

Nodding, he passed you the phone back, before giving you a reassuring smile that you treasured in your heart and saw in your dreams. 

You didn't believe him, though, but stayed close enough to everything related to the situation to hold Arin in your arms when Yeonjun inevitably broke her heart. 

Starting your tenth year, he moved back to his city and decided to play the I thought we weren't even that serious card on her. Which was nasty, considering love it's very, very serious for a sixteen year old girl. 

By this point, you were all a little family and hanging out after school and on the weekends was not unusual, so it didn't surprise you when Arin invited you, and only you, to her house after choir practice on a Thursday. 

She lent you her older sister’s clothes to wear (because her's would never fit you. Her words, not yours) and took you to a walk in the park just to break your heart for the first time ever. 

“You know… I thought love was something I couldn't find in highschool anymore. But San it's really making an effort, you know? He's been there for me ever since Yeonjun left and… Well, I think he's going to ask me to be his girlfriend tomorrow.” 

Grasping the park bench she forced you to sit at, you only nodded and let out a shuddering breath that gave away what she was trying to figure out since earlier that day. 

“I'll say yes but only if you say it's okay to do so.” 

Arin was not really your friend, the same way Yeonjun was not really San’s friend. 

Because there's no way you would ever be okay with it. 

And yet, you tried your best to give her a smile and pretend the sound of your heart breaking didn't bring tears to your eyes “Of course it's okay. Why wouldn't it be?” 

A week later, they were officially dating. The rumors spread around like a wildfire and it took out of you with everyone calling San a nasty rebound and you doing your best to prioritize the ghost of the friendship you had with him. That whole fiasco lasted a few months. 

Months in which your friendship with everyone just grew stronger. Gyuri was still your best friend, Wooyoung was crushing on her hard and everyone knew, Arin and San were a steady couple, a new girl joined your class that year, named Yeri, and the principal assigned her to you because she thought you two would get along really well. 

“I like girls,” was like, the third thing she ever told you while you were showing her the school “I'm just telling you now because I don't plan on hiding it and you are wearing a pride pin.” 

“Oh, that's cool. I like girls too,” you smiled, looking at your pride pin “I didn't hide it either and no one gave me shit about it, so, don't worry.” 

Yeri also liked the mainstream music that you liked and soon she became a new addition to your group. And with Arin spending all of her free time with San, you, Gyuri and Yeri only grew closer and closer. You didn't have Arin’s voice in your ear telling you the million reasons she found Yeri uncool, but you saw it in her face every time the table laughed at one of Yeri’s jokes. 

And so, it went on for a while: 

Your mom driving all of you around in her car to the beach, to dinner, to the movies and letting you have mixed sleepovers at your house (meaning you, Arin, Gyuri, Wooyoung, Yeri and San) was fun and all, but it was not enough to distract yourself entirely. Everytime you glanced at the couple, that sinking feeling in your chest would appear and sulk your whole mood for, at least, fifteen minutes.  

Fifteen minutes of pretending you were okay with them before forgetting completely for an hour or so and then the cycle would repeat until you were alone staring at the ceiling and doing your best to not cry about it.

All it took was your first kiss being Yeri of all people for you to decide that it was time to retire your crush for Choi San once and for all. 

And for a while, it all went according to plan. You decided to tell Gyuri that it was okay because he was your friend first and the guy that you liked second and that you were not fourteen and desperate for love anymore, that it was time to go on with your life as if nothing really happened in the first place. 

You were hooking up with Yeri anyways, so it seemed like you were doing just fine. 

You grew closer to San as well and even though he mostly talked to you about Arin and whatever tantrum she was throwing at the time, you really started to feel some sense of normalcy within you when it came to just speaking to him. 

You no longer blushed when he made you laugh, you no longer looked at him with the longing of a past life lover and you were really happy for him because, at the end of the day, he was really happy with his relationship. 

Until winter break came around and Arin decided to give San his first heartbreak ever. 

She decided to call for a break in their relationship because she was, in his words, too overwhelmed with the amount of love and attention she was getting from him. 

Which was completely fucking insane considering the fact she forced him to save her contact as Princess Arin and all. 

So naturally, you sided with him. And she didn't take it to heart because everyone knew you liked San anyways. 

She told you the news herself through Facebook after asking you to explain to her the English assignment due next day and then she decided to tell you something you'll never understand because you no longer are on speaking terms with her: 

Princess Arin: u know i broke up with him because of u right? :) 

Princess Arin: one day I'll tell u all abt it. 

She never told you anything about it. And by then, you were starting your last year and San was your best friend who hung out with you everyday after school, calling you late at night and helping you with assignments through Skype. So you didn't really care. 

And as the day passed, you started understanding the connection they talked about in books and movies. You thought you did before, Gyuri being your eternal person in this world, but it felt so different with San. 

Different and good. Different and achy enough for you to want to keep it in your life. 

Your dynamic was friendly, sure, but it was alright. It consisted of banter and daring stares as well as laughter and soft moments you treasured till this day. 

“It's way too early to be this annoying, Choi San.” 

“Oh, you think this is me being annoying?”

You both got an hour of detention for disturbing the class that day. 

You loved it. 

But then, after almost a month of picking up the broken pieces of his heart one by one, and your mother giving him a self-help book to make him regain the confidence he lost during the breakup process, you realized that you were in love with him and there was nothing you could do about that. 

You noticed one friday afternoon, when he offered to pay for your and your mom's ice cream at the drive through, when he scrambled to get all the change he had on him to leave a tip for the person who handed you guys the sweet treat, that there was no way you didn't love him. 

And it was confusing as fuck when everyone else started to tell you he had feelings for you as well. 

“Think about it. You text each other good morning everyday” Yeri listed with her finger and you nodded “Then, you go to school, sit together and spend the rest of the day together” another nod “Then after school you either go get ice cream together or hang out for a bit with your mom while she drives him home. And after that, you get on Skype for the reminder of the afternoon and then he calls you on your house phone and you two spend the rest of the night talking before falling asleep on the line together,” she looked at you like you were insane for even denying the accusations made against San, but she continued anyway “And then it's rinse and repeat and it has been that way since… What? Three months ago?” 

You nodded again, defeated. 

“Girl, he likes you.” she sighed, annoyed and a little tired, before sitting on your lap and kissing your lips affectionately “And you're here making out with me instead of him. You really are a lost cause.”

That didn't stop you from hooking up with her until she found a girl who's heart was not reserved for someone else, though. Said girl went to a different school and was a year younger than all of you, but she looked very happy and stopped secretly kissing you in the school bathroom like a week after they met. 

And when she finally told everyone, you were really happy for her, but San not so much. 

It was the night you thought everything was about to change. The night you thought he was about to kiss you or you were about to kiss him, whatever happened first. 

Laying in your bed, facing each other in the dim light, he thought it was the biggest form of betrayal and pouted the whole time he explained to you why. 

He thought you liked her and you realized he didn't really pay attention to you after all. Not the way you did with him. 

Bless his heart. 

You didn't kiss him that night because he wouldn't shut up about you and Yeri. 

“I mean, why couldn't it be you? She clearly liked you if you two were hooking up for over a year” and when his hand came to rest on your back, under your shirt, you breath hitched enough for him to notice it but not enough for him to just don't do anything about it except trace the curve of your silhouette with the pad of his thumb “I don't understand why anyone would pass the opportunity to be with you.” 

Huh. Maybe he did have feelings for you. 

No. He's just being a great best friend. Don't take that for granted. 

But it was impossible for you not to take Yeri’s words seriously as time went on. 

You didn't want to think he was giving you mixed signals, but yet again there was that one time when you reached behind your passenger seat in your mothers car to pinch his leg playfully after he pulled on your hair a little bit from behind, only to end up holding his hand the rest of the car trip to his house. 

His fingers slowly caressing the back of your hand were just too much for you not to get everything mixed up. 

Or that other time when your school held a Woman's Day event, and your class president decided that all the boys in the class were going to give roses to the girls.

When it was your turn to get a rose, you knew no one would give you one. But Yeri stood in line and collected a rose from the bin before the class president had the opportunity to say anything else. 

“I'll take that, thank you very much.” She turned to you, smiling. San blocked her way to you a second after. 

“And just what do you think you're doing?” 

“Giving my best girl a rose, of course.” She peeked around him, giving you a wink that you could only roll your eyes to. 

San turned to you, the fondness in his eyes making you question the decision of not pretending to be sick that day. It was too much for you to handle. 

“To the back of the line, then. I already called dibs on her,” he turned to your friend, snatching the rose from her hand in one swift move “I'll take that, thank you very much.” 

He had no idea what that meant to you back then. It was true that, at school, he behaved a little differently than when you two were alone. 

He was athletic, so he had some friends that you were sure used to ask him what the fuck was he doing wasting his time with a girl like you instead of getting a new girlfriend. 

He had a family that didn't approve of yours, too. You felt it the first time you met his mom and, even though she was nice to you and your mom, you could feel the judgemental stare she gave both of you when your mom told her she was a single parent. 

San told you that it didn't really matter, that his mom didn't have to like you because you weren't her friend, you were his. 

He played with your feelings a little too well. Wanting him, adoring him and letting yourself be consumed by the thought of him loving you back was enough to keep it going. To ignore the fluttering way your heart kept beating whenever he talked to you which was all the time. 

You assumed the way he behaved with you in private was the real him. The one who didn't care about appearances or his family approval. 

The one who cared about you. 

It was dizzying and fantastic and you thought he just might've been the love of your life. 

But then he would tell you how much it hurted when he saw Arin at school and how much he missed her, the intimacy they shared before, and reality would come crashing down and setting your delusions on fire again. 

He had sex with Arin. You would never stand a chance. 

Or so you thought he did. Except when you overheard Arin speaking to her friends and that was the first time you ever got mad at Choi San.

“And, you know, me and San were never intimate like that so I wouldn't know but I think boys have no idea how to please a woman if they tried to.” 

What? 

Oh. So he lied to you. 

And you were so upset by the thought of him making up stories of their intimate time together that it didn't even cross your mind that Arin might've been lying to save face. 

So when he came back from the bathroom and sat at his usual desk in front of you, you didn't even think about his feelings when you decided to treat him like shit for lying about something so important like sex to your face. 

“Leave me alone, San! I don't want to fucking talk to you right now!” 

The hurt expression he gave you after that is one you would never be able to forget. 

But you grew to be stubborn and a little overprotective of your own feelings, so you thought him playing the part of your best friend all these months and sweet talking to you was just another one of his lies. 

“You guys not being friends right now doesn't make any fucking sense, sweetheart.” Wooyoung's tone is careful and laced with affection, but you knew he was playing the devil's advocate on behalf of San. With his arm around Gyuri’s shoulder (by that point, they were a thing for over two months) you could swear you saw him smirk when the nickname brought a scowl to your face. 

He might've been worried, but he was also a little shit. 

“You really are going to let Arin ruin what you two have?” Your best friend was, of course, on your side. But she was your best friend for a reason and her love included pointing out when you were behaving like an infant at the age of seventeen and a half. 

“You two are practically dating and you're going to let the evil ex-girlfriend get in the way? Over something you weren't even supposed to hear in the first place? Come on.” 

Again, Wooyoung was a little shit. And you were so upset about everything that you shyness couldn't even help the fury behind your reply: 

“Stop saying that! We are not practically dating, he's in love with Arin and I'm not sure I even like him like that anymore!” Getting tired of everyone and their mother (your mother) feeding your delusions, you came to the conclusion that putting a stop to your friendship with Choi San was for the best. 

And, in doing so, you ended up breaking your own heart for the second time in your life. 

But he didn't put up an easy fight at all. You remember the feeling of pure joy when he grabbed your hand on the way to the cafeteria one day, pulling you so hard you almost ended up sitting in his lap, and the way his pleading eyes begged you to listen to him one last time. 

“Us not being friends doesn't feel right, Y/N…” he said and the word he used to categorize what both of you had hurted you, but you pushed the feeling away “Please, let's not fight anymore. I don't even know what happened, but I forgive you for yelling at me and I hope you forgive me for whatever it is you think I did.” 

Of course, you forgave him the next second without thinking too much about it. And for a while, everything went back to normal. You Skyped as usual and occasionally you let your other friends join the call even though it didn't really feel like it used to before. 

The next thing you knew, your feelings were in full bloom again and when you realized it, it was too late. 

Because by then, you had already let your childhood friend, Sunhee, join a few Skype calls and by the fourth one she invited her friend, Minseo, to them as well. 

Terrible, terrible mistake. Because even through the screen, you could see that Minseo looked a lot like Arin with the added bonus that she was down to earth and cool and liked the same things San liked.

You liked the same things San liked as well, but it never seemed to matter. 

Because not even two months after you decided to stop talking to San over a lie you weren't supposed to find out in the first place and then became friends one more time, he gets together with Minseo and you're sick to your stomach all over again. 

You hated her. Not because she was, suddenly, his girlfriend (not girlfriend girlfriend, but in a friends with benefits arrangement you never even knew why he agreed on in the first place) but because suddlenly she was so fucking obnoxious and didn't seem to like you either. 

Was it not painfully obvious San didn't have feelings for you? Why was she mad at you then? You literally brought them together! 

And all you got in return was her telling him she didn't feel comfortable with him having a girl best friend. That ungrateful bitch. 

He stopped calling. He stopped texting, he stopped carpooling with you and your mom after school and he stopped caring whether your math assignment was done or not. 

He stared pulling away more and more and it didn't matter how hard you tried to get him to talk to you, it seemed like he never really fucking cared about you in the first place. 

And by may that year, you didn't speak to San anymore. Granted, the only person he did speak to was Wooyoung, but even their friendship was falling apart. 

For the first time ever, San broke your heart firsthand. And it felt really, really fucking bad. 

You cried to your mom about it, she reminded you that you were nothing but a great friend to him and that, if he didn't take the time to appreciate that, that was his loss not yours. 

And she started hating him from that moment on. But you couldn't hate San, not even a little bit. 

Why would you hate him for not liking you back? For not loving you the way you loved hi— 

Your laptop closes down right in front of you and when you try to look up to find out who's responsible for interrupting your writing time, you get interrupted again. 

“Ouch! What the fuck, Gyuri?” the slap to the back of your head is quick and fill with rage. 

“What the fuck are you even writing. I can read from here, you know?” 

“I'm just laying my feelings down and— Ouch! Stop that!” You try to hit her back but she turns away quickly when your hands almost knock her coffee mug out of hers. 

“You can't possibly still have love for San, Y/N. It's been years.”

It's been four and a half, to be precise. But who's counting, right? 

“And why are you writing it in third person? You don't usually do that.” 

“I don't really know, Gyuri!” 

“I’m telling you, this celebratory dinner bullshit it's affecting you way more than it should,” she sighs, plopping down on the couch of your shared living room, and you leave your seat at the table to join her “He might not even show up. He has that thing with Kyungmi.” 

Kyungmi. 

You couldn't get to that part on your open document, but San left Minseo when he met Kyungmi at one of the frat parties they love to attend. Wooyoung told you that he said that it was love at first sight and you even met her briefly when you picked Gyuri up from the apartment he and San got when they started college together. 

She’s gorgeous and doesn't look like Arin or Minseo at all. It’s a different type of gorgeous. She's a year older than San and went to the same school as them and Gyuri. 

You think you might even like her better than him. 

You tried to be happy for San when you found out, but you two barely even speak a word to each other and you convinced yourself a while ago that you couldn't care less if he sees right through you and your fake smiles. 

You gathered, after everything happened, that San knew you liked him and took advantage of that. Unintentionally, but he did anyway. 

You sigh, resting your head on your best friend's shoulder. “It’s his best friend's celebratory dinner, though, he needs to be there.” 

Two seconds pass and then you both say it at the same time: “He’s in love.” 

And when San is in love, he has a one track mind with the name of his lover as the goal. 

You nod, but you can't help but to be insistent “It's Wooyoung's celebratory dinner, he needs to show up, right?” 

“I might not even show up, he's a pain in the ass.” She replies but you can tell her annoyance is not genuine and it makes you smile. 

Gyuri and Wooyoung broke up towards the end of your first year of college but you all stayed close friends. A one year relationship was not enough to fuck up the friendship they had and they decided to stay civil until, eventually, they became close friends again. 

To this day, you wonder why you and San couldn't rekindle your friendship when it became clear to you that you missed your friend and not the guy that you liked. 

Because San was always your friend first and your first love second. 

But it doesn't really matter anymore, because Gyuri is forcing you to shower and reminding you that you two need to keep Wooyoung on his best behavior tonight. 

“That girl he used to like before me is going, he said. I looked her up, she's single and he needs to get together with her because I can't take him whining about it anymore.” 

They keep things with each other way too civil, you think. 

“I'm telling you, if we don't show up he's going to do that thing where he gets drunk and makes a fool of himself. I can't have that, I'm on a mission.” 

“A mission to get your ex laid?” You ask, shampooing your hair. 

“A mission to get him a girlfriend so he can stop crying to me about feeling lonely.” 

“Maybe he wants you guys to—” The shower curtain opens and you see your best friend’s scowl before covering yourself up with your hands. 

“Gyuri!”

“Don't you dare say what you were about to say or I'm divorcing you.” 

You chuckle “Sure you are.”

You're left alone again with the water stream and she goes back to do her makeup “I told you back in ninth grade that we weren't a great fit and I was right. We can't get back together,” she sighs “It'll ruin everything.” 

“I doubt it will but you guys have been friends longer than you were boyfriend and girlfriend, so I'll just have to deal with my parents being divorced and civil.” 

“God, don't ever refer to us like that again— Oh! Speaking of parents,” you see her beam at her phone when you move the shower curtain to search for your towel and then she shows it to you “Mingi and Love just celebrated their one year anniversary!” 

Love being Mingi’s best friend. Gyuri talks to you about her college friend group all the time. The drama fuels your dinner conversations, you even follow a few of them on social media. 

“What does that have to do with parents?”

“They're the mom and dad of the group.” 

San is in that friend group, you can see him in the back of the picture and you recognize his apartment layout too. He's not the main focus of it but he's all you can see until you notice the couple sitting near him on the couch. 

The picture shows both of them, her in his lap and Mingi looking at her with stars in his eyes. 

Good for them. 

“Is that the girl he was friends with forever before they finally realized that they were in love?” 

“Yeah,” she sighs in contempt, looking down at the picture again “I was there the day it happened. I mean, not physically with them, but they left Yunho's party together and I told Wooyoung that it was finally about to happen!”

Gyuri is not a romantic person at all. Her excitement shows you that she really loves them and so you soften at the news that would usually give you and your dry love life a headache “It was the day before you called me to get you out of that awful date.” 

Ah, that also happened back then. You shudder at the memory.

“Tell them I say congrats, babe.” 

“I'm bringing you as my plus one.” 

You laugh, confused “To where?” 

“Their wedding, duh.” 

“They practically just got together,” you remind her, a year is not enough time to propose “And I don't really know them, Gyuri!” 

“They love you,” she assures you as you step out of the shower “I have been speaking about your antisocial ass for years. They can't wait to meet you.” 

“So you've been shit talking behind my back for years? Is that what I'm hearing?” 

She laughs “No, babe, that's Wooyoung's job.” 

Clearing your throat and looking at your friend through the mirror, you try to be as nonchalant as you can when you ask: “Has he… Did he tell you if…” 

“No, Y/N, I have no clue if San is going or not and Wooyoung is actually mad at him at the moment.” 

“Why?” 

She looks at you, sighing “He's been lacking as a friend lately.” 

“Hm.” 

“I hope you're not planning on swooning if you see him. Fuck him, Y/N.” 

“I know…” 

“And by fuck him I mean he doesn't deserve you or your forgiveness.” 

“He didn't do anything to me, Gyuri,” you remind her, shrugging “Not reciprocating my feelings is not a crime so I don't have to forgive him for anything.” 

You can practically feel her starting the San hate train engine, so you step out of the bathroom but her voice follows you. 

“And what about that time he ditched you for Minseo when you asked him to go with you to that medical appointment, huh?” 

“Cut it out, Gyuri…” 

But her head peaks around the corner, into the hall where you're rushing towards your room “Or that time when—” 

“Can't hear you!” Turning to look at her, she gives you an affectionate middle finger and heads back to the bathroom.

Closing the door, you lean into the thin wood and sigh, getting San’s face out of your mind so you can focus on getting ready and actually show up for Wooyoung and Wooyoung only. 

He just got a permanent position after completing his internship at a company that's your company's rival. He's going to crush you and steal clients from you but you are genuinely so happy for him. 

You should've guessed he enjoyed books as much as you did back in highschool. The debates he used to have with Gyuri were not all about flirting with her but also because he has a passion for books. 

And now he's going to work in the same field as you.

You're so proud of your friend. 

As you get ready, you remember the excitement cruising through your body when your boss trusted you enough to give you the first manuscript of a new client so you could edit it. You're sure Wooyoung is going to do better than you, taking into account that he actually went to college for this. 

You didn't. 

You met your boss at the part-time job you got in senior year, when you were trying to distract yourself from all the pain and the horrors of becoming a grown up. She was chatty, got a little too drunk on soju and told you she was starting her own book publishing company. 

When she returned months later after remembering that you told her you loved books and would love to work for as a publisher one day, she offered you a job in her company right after graduating highschool. 

You took it because you didn't think an opportunity like this would show up ever again. 

She was truly a blessing, the kind of person you never really believed in until she taught you all you needed to know about publishing and editing and encouraged you to take online classes during the nights so you could get, at least, a certification on what you do. 

You're proud of yourself too. The opportunity found you in a specific moment of your life where both your heart and your self esteem were destroyed and now you're not the person you used to be. 

Maybe that's why the possibility of facing San makes you so nervous. Collective memories are dangerous because the details never match the ones on the other person's head. 

You know who you were back then but… Are you the same person in San’s head? 

You don't even want to find out. 

Scanning your outfit in the mirror for the last time, you take the shoes you're wearing tonight out of your closet and walk over to the living room. 

Only to find Gyuri laying on the carpet under the coffee table, half dressed and on her phone. 

“You're going to mess up your hair.” 

“I don't care, I'm not going.” 

Sighing, you seat down on the couch and staring at the wood of the table covering her face. 

“What happened now?” 

“The bitch canceled!” 

“Wooyoung?” 

Poking her head out, she frowns at you “No, his first love.” 

“You were his first love.” 

“You know what I'm talking about, Y/N!” 

Laughing at her, you offer her your hand “Get dressed. Who cares if she's not going? He's not going to sulk because he's going to have you and his best friends there.” 

She whines like a child when you pull her up from the floor “I had a plan!” 

“Then make a new one, babe. We're going to be late.” 

She starts to whine again but then stops mid-groan to give you a once over. You shift uncomfortably on your feet, suddenly self-conscious about your appearance for the first time in years. 

“You look really hot…” she tells you and you fake gag at her words “Really pretty. Like a fairy and a smoke show at the same time.” 

You can't possibly look like that when you have such a simple outfit on, floor length high waist black pants and a flowy sleeve top that ties in the middle. It's barely formal but now you're thinking too hard about it. 

Blushing, you wave your hand to dismiss her compliment “Oh, my god. Go and change!” 

She rushes to her room on the opposite end of the hall and you finally breathe, looking down at your choice of fit and wondering if it's too much. 

Gyuri would've told you if that's the case, but either way it haunts your mind in the car on the way there, leg bouncing up and down under your best friend's judging gaze that only softens when you pout at her. 

“They are going to love you, babe. I'm so serious, they've been waiting years to meet you.” 

You nod because, yes, you're concerned that her friend group is not all as welcoming as she paints them to be. 

And you wish your doubts would go away but you're really, really not good at making friends. You're cautious, extremely closed off to new people and not as good with conversation no matter how much confidence you gained over the past years. 

When you walk to the loudest table at the laid back restaurant their friend Seonghwa made the reservation at, you think you won't be able to fit in with everyone else. You feel like an intruder, like Gyuri is supposed to enjoy this part of her life without you here. 

That's why you rejected every invitation they ever made. 

You celebrate birthdays with her, with Woo as well, but it's all very intimate and separate from their social circle, the one that includes the man you haven't fully faced in years. 

But you can't exactly back out now, not when one of them turns to you and seems to light up when they see you. 

“Oh? Is this her?” you recognize Hongjoong from pictures, he's the only one facing you when you approach the table, lowkey hiding behind Gyuri like a child. 

“Who?” 

“Huh?”

San is nowhere to be seen. Thank god. 

Slowly, everyone turns around and you see their faces light up with both delight and surprise. Your heart is pounding, you feel it in your throat, in your eyes, in the heat that colors your cheeks. 

But Gyuri just steps aside and presents you with a smile “This is her!” 

“Oh, Y/N!” Wooyoung gets up, rushing towards you and crashing into your frame with a crushing hug “I'm so glad you're here,” he murmurs into your hair and then turns to his friends, quiet them down “Everyone, this is Y/N, one of my best friends in the entire world.” 

He's such a dramatic human being.

You love him so much. 

Raising your hand, you shyly wave at them “Hi.” 

The entire table erupts with joy. Some of them greet you, some of them are saying that they are happy to be finally meeting you and Wooyoung grabs your arm and plops you down into the seat next to Gyuri, at the edge of the table. 

Laughing, you apologize for not meeting them sooner and then you feel a pair of hands on your shoulders. 

Panic raising, you quickly turn around to see who it is before releasing a shuddering, but calmer, breath. 

“She's a very busy woman, guys. She works for the competition, my competition,” everyone gasps at that but Wooyoung is smiling at you “and she's very good at what she does. Which means she's busy, get off her case,” he puts a glass and a can of beer in front of you “Drink, babe.” 

“Thanks, babe.” You whisper back and he leans in to peck your head before going away. 

Gyuri groans “Stop stealing that from us! It's our thing, Y/N, don't indulge him.” 

“It's his celebratory dinner…” you argue with a laugh that Hongjoong and Mingi follow. 

“Yeah! Can you get off my case tonight, Gyuri?” 

She huffs, wrapping her arms around you “I hate you all.” 

“No you don't!” 

The table laughs and everyone returns to their individual conversations when Woo sits down on his spot. 

There's a few seats left, one besides Mingi and one right in front of you but you don't think too much about it because soon Gyuri gets up to ask Yeosang something and Seonghwa occupies her seat right beside you. 

You think he can sense that you're more shy than you let on, because he doesn't include you in whatever he and Yunho were talking about and waits until he stops talking to him to turn to you. 

“So, you work for a publishing company?” 

The question caughts you off guard and you swallow the beer quickly before nodding “Y-yeah, I… Yeah.” 

He chuckles “You're nervous.” 

“I'm just not as good at meeting people as Gyuri is. She usually does the job and I tag along.” 

“I feel like I know you already, though.” He says, leaning back on his chair. 

“Because she talks a lot about me?” he nods “Yeah, she tends to do that.” 

“Wooyoung also talks a lot about you, San too… Sometimes,” your cheeks heat up and he misinterprets what it means “All good things, I promise.” 

You doubt that. 

Your brain gives you a hundred and one possible things San could've said about you. 

For some reason, none of them are good. But you choose to believe the gorgeous, long haired guy in front of you. 

“Well that's good to hear,” you take another sip of your drink before smiling at him “I was sure Woo was trash talking about me.” 

He shakes his head with a smile “He wouldn't dare, he has Gyuri on his ass all the time and I'm sure she would kill him.” 

“I'm sure she would kill him even if he didn't do it.” 

His smile grows wider “That's true,” he says, looking over at them who are, very coincidentally, fighting about something. You let out a sigh and he laughs again before clearing his throat “So, the publishing company. What kind of books do you like to edit the most?” 

Your smile grows wider too. 

For the next hour, you talk to Seonghwa about your job and how you started in it. He asks you about your classes and the challenges that you face on a daily basis and Wooyoung overhears and ends up joining the conversation as well.

You don't even hear footsteps nearing until a voice cuts everyone off. 

“I'm sorry I'm late!” 

“Baby!” Mingi gets up from his seat, but no one else does so he's stuck between the table and his girlfriend. 

“Oh, that's Love, huh?” you ask Seonghwa, Wooyoung too entertained messing with the couple to hear you anyways. 

“Yeah… Is that how Gyuri refers to her?” He frowns.

“Mhm,” you answer, leaning into him like you're about to tell him an important secret “I'm not supposed to call her that, don't tell her.” 

Seonghwa leans in too, pretending to zip his mouth shut and you laugh. 

The girl wiggles her way into the seat reserved for her and everyone lets out a groan when they smooch each other. You can only giggle and the sound draws her attention to you “Y/N?” 

You quickly nod “Yeah, hi, nice to meet you.” 

“Nice to meet you! Finally, I thought Wooyoung and Gyuri had an imaginary friend,” you laugh, shrugging at the joke “Love your outfit, by the way, are those— Oh, San, hi— Are those jellyfish?” 

You want to answer. You truly do, the yes right at the tip of your tongue, but words leave you when you turn your head around and find San already looking at you with wide eyes.

He looks great, he's a bit more muscular than what the pictures show and than the last time that you saw him, his arms hugging the fabric of the dress shirt he's wearing like it was tailored for him and everything. 

How dare he. 

You wonder if his heart is beating as loud as yours is right now. If he's surprised, disappointed or happy to see you at all. 

“Her favorite animal.” He answers for you “Hi, Y/N.” 

“Hi…” you whisper back and it feels like you're in a trance. He doesn't look away but the table quieting down once again snaps you out of it and you turn to the girl with a wide smile that you hope conceals whatever the fuck you're feeling at the moment “I love jellyfishes. Had a phase as a child when I would exclusively talk about them, too,” you chuckle, nervously, reaching for your earrings instinctively “Gyuri gave them to me as a present last Christmas.” 

You definitely overshared just now. From the corner of your eye you catch your best friend getting ready to step in if needed. 

Love looks at you, then at San (who's just standing next to you without uttering a word) and then back at you again, smiling like she just figured something out “Well, I love them.” 

“Thanks…” 

Coughing unnecessarily loud, Wooyoung gets up from his seat “You're late.” 

It takes a second but San tears his gaze away from you to look at his best friend and you take the opportunity to chug down the rest of your beer “Sorry, something came up.” 

Seonghwa turns at that and looks at him as well “You good?” 

“I am. Did you guys already eat? I'm starving.” 

“Nope. We're about to order. Let me get you a drink, come here.” And just like that, he disappears from your view and you almost sigh in relief. 

“Are you good?” Seonghwa asks you next and you reckon he's very observant. But then again, you're not the most gracious human being when you're in San’s presence, so, you figure everyone else noticed your change of mood as well. 

“Yeah, I just… I haven't seen him in a while and I didn't think he was coming. I was surprised, that's all.” 

“I can see that,” his eyes move around your face for some reason, frowning a little bit but then he seems to let it go, getting the menu closer to you “Okay, good, um… I actually made the reservation here because they have the best samgyeopsal in town.”  

“Do they?” 

“Mhm, so…” 

He helps you pick your food and when it's time to order, he moves back to his seat. Gyuri asks you with her eyes if you're okay, you nod and grab her hand under the table with a tiny smile and then everyone is moving around to make space for San and Woo once they return. 

He doesn't sit in front of you. 

Relief floods you and you can finally feel your muscles relax as he is so far away, at the other end of the table and in the same row of seats, so you don't really see him unless you really try. 

Which you don't, so your food goes down easy and the rest of the night as well.

Until everyone but you and Seonghwa move around their seats and he ends up right in your point of view as you do your best to ignore him and focus on his friend. 

Seonghwa asks you about your hobbies, you tell him that you love to write movie essays on websites no one even cares to read and he asks you to show it to him so he can look it up when he gets home.

“And you've always done this? Since highschool?” 

You nod and he beams “I read like the first three lines and it looks really good, Y/N. Is that why you love books so much? Because you're a writer?” 

“I wouldn't consider myself a writer but… Sure, I love to write.” 

“Did you know this?” he turns to San and your smile drops a little. 

“Know what?” 

“Your friend is an excellent writer.” 

“Oh, I know. She, uh… Used to write stories on her notebook instead of paying attention in math class,” he sips on his drink and at the detail you didn't know he knew, you turn to him fully “I used to read over her shoulder sometimes.” 

“She's really good.” Seonghwa is looking at your phone, still reading “Really smart, too.” 

San’s jaw tenses a little and you can't understand why “I know.” He says again. 

His friend is none the wiser, blocking your phone and returning it to you “I like it,” he says, smiling and you blush “The essay.” He clarifies after a second, prompting a laugh out of you that he joins. 

San doesn't laugh, but you don't pay attention to him because Seonghwa is asking you something else. 

When it's time to leave the restaurant, Wooyoung suggests going back to his apartment to milk the get-together as much as you all can.

You all throw your napkins at him in feign disgust at the choice of words but you all accept his proposal either way. 

So now you're sitting on the couch, legs crossed and head on Gyuri’s shoulder while you listen to all of them talk (more like argue) about something that happened at their university last week, their voices drowning the soft music playing out of the tiny speaker resting on the counter. 

San is on the floor, to your right. It's hard to keep your eyes off him when you feel him looking at you when you close your eyes and let the noise fade into the background. It's not like you're able to add something to the conversation anyway and Gyuri seems to be drinking her sorrows (not being able to hook Woo up with the girl she told you about) away. 

Your best friend is slurring her words already, drink in hand and index finger pointing at Jongho accusatively because, apparently, the fight they're talking about was his fault. 

“You don't—” she hiccups “You don't even know why it was your fault and it pisses me off even more, you know?” 

“Okay, let me take that.” Taking the drink from her hand and before she starts complaining you stand up to make your way into the kitchen. 

The sink is full and a mess, so you pour the liquid into it and leave the glass sitting right beside it. Distracted by the dilemma of helping Woo out with the dishes or not, you don't notice someone else also entering the space.

That's why you jump a little when you turn and catch Seonghwa leaning on the wall by the entrance. It startles you enough to laugh the nerves out afterwards and he shakes his head, smiling. 

“Sorry, didn't mean to scare you. They're boring me to death with the fight story.” 

You nod, realizing that maybe that's because he doesn't attend the university anymore. He told you he graduated last year “They're too drunk to let it go.” 

“Too drunk to dance to this amazing song, too. Who's playlist is that?” he frowns and you rest your back into the sink, rolling your eyes because he's pretending he doesn't know “Oh! Right, it's mine.” 

“And they just don't know how to appreciate it, huh?” he shrugs and you click your tongue “They're such bad friends, Seonghwa, I truly don't know why you keep them around.” 

“You appreciate it,” it's your turn to frown and he leaves his spot at the wall to walk towards you “You were singing along to it,” he explains and you let out an ah, nodding as he extends his palm to you, clearly inviting you to dance. 

“Oh, I don't… I don't really know how to—” 

“I'll show you.” 

His kind eyes are asking you to trust him. You really, really shouldn't. 

No matter how hard you try to bury the hopeless romantic little girl who decided to have a crush on a guy back in ninth grade, she's still there, begging you to let loose and live a little. 

When you grab Seonghwa’s hand, you think the smile he gives you was worth listening to her. 

You can't even tell the song that's softly playing anymore, a mellow r&b melody reaches your ear but you are not listening. You're focused on him, on the way he spins you around even if it doesn't fit the bit, on the way he laughs softly against your ear when he pulls you close by your hand and then pulls away just as quickly. 

Laughing as well, the spell of this beautiful stranger (because you remind yourself you don't really know him that well) is hard to break. 

Until it does. 

Someone clearing their throat behind you stops you and Seonghwa's feet from moving any further. When the tall, older guy turns you around, you're face to face with San and his scowl. 

“Sorry to interrupt but I need to get started on the dishes. Everyone else is heading out too,” he looks behind you, at the man who's still standing close to you and grabbing your hand “In case you want to ask Mingi for a ride.” 

“They finally stopped fighting!” he fakes excitement, finally letting go of your hand and walking in front of you, blocking San with his body. You chuckle, barely clapping your hands to join the pretense as he's pulling up his phone “Can I ask for your number, Y/N?” 

Blinking a few times, you're not sure if your heart speeds up because he's asking or because you hear San sigh exasperated behind him “S-sure.” 

When you put your information on his phone, he bids you goodbye with a pat on your head and hugs San on his way out the kitchen. 

Now that you two are alone, you suddenly want to run and join Seonghwa. You were doing so, so well. 

Avoiding San like the plague it's much easier when you're safe hiding behind your two best friends. 

Ignoring his stare would be much easier if you weren't stuck into place. 

“I—” 

“You—” 

You both speak over each other and you force out an uncomfortable laugh that he doesn't return. Instead, he motions you to go first while he occupies the space in front of the sink, turning the faucet on. In doing so, he has to grab your waist and move you out of the way which makes you short circuit for a second “I was going to help you with that.” You finally stammer out. 

He lets out what you take as an annoyed chuckle. 

“You seemed busy, I don't know how you would've done it.” 

Ouch. 

Why do you allow his words to cut so deep when you stopped caring about what he does a long time ago? 

The band aid rips, the stitches come undone and all it took him were five seconds to melt your resolve away like it was never there in the first place. 

“I'll… I go get Gyuri so we can leave Woo and you to get to it, then.” 

“Bathroom.” You hear him mutter under his breath as you are taking the final step to leave. 

“Huh?” 

“She's in the bathroom, probably puking her breakfast out,” he looks up at you to give you a tiny smile “You left her alone with Jongho and Woo for five minutes so she got ahold of another drink.” 

“God damnit.” 

Rushing out, you run into everyone else at the door and Mingi has to let go of his very intoxicated girlfriend when she reaches you to give you a hug “Don't be a stranger, Y/N! It was lovely to be around you, hm?” 

The sudden physical contact almost makes you gasp but you cover it up with a shy giggle “O-oh. Yeah, um, lovely to meet you too. All of you.” 

“Sorry about that,” her boyfriend grabs her arms and breaks the hug “She's right, though. Don't be a stranger.” 

You nod once, smiling a little more sincerely now and everyone says bye to you, including Seonghwa, who grabs your hand one last time and gives it a squeeze before closing the front door of the apartment. 

You think you feel your heart skip a tiny bit under all the shit San’s words pulled up to the surface a minute ago. But there's no time to dwell in that: you hear Gyuri opening up the bathroom door before gagging and closing it again with a slam. 

Jesus Christ. 

You two are really getting old. You stopped drinking like an hour ago, when you were starting to feel tipsy after your second beer, and you know she didn't drink as much as she used to maybe four years ago, but the visage that welcomes you when you open the door and find her crouched down in front of the toilet certainly brings back memories of those times. 

“I left you alone for like… five minutes.” Sighing, you lean in to hold her flimsy ponytail and pat her back. 

“I'm good,” she gags again and then holds up her hand to stop you from saying anything else “I'm fine.” 

Smiling, you help her up and she grabs the counter as she's washing away the taste of whatever she ate earlier today and alcohol “Me when I lie…”

“Y/N!” she hits your arm but the movement somehow almost makes her trip. 

“You want to lay down?” 

“Is she okay?” Woo’s head peaks into the bathroom and when he sees his ex, he makes a face. 

“Does she look like she's okay?” you help her out of the bathroom and start heading for Wooyoung's room. 

“Wow, wow— Where do you think you're taking her?” 

“To your room, dumbass!”

“Why mine? San's is literally right there.” He whines, pointing at the door you pass by without a second thought. You don't want to know where his room is or what it looks like at all. 

“Yeah, well, did San get her this drunk?” 

“How was I supposed to know that she was at her almost black-out phase? She never drinks that much in front of me!” he complains again but you're already tugging Gyuri in, who mumbles something incoherent and then flips Wooyoung off “Na Gyuri if you puke on my bed I swear to God!” 

If you didn't know Wooyoung so much, the whining and the attitude would probably make you think he didn't care for her at all. But he's brushing her hair out of her forehead, securing the blanket around her and moving to take her socks off when you reach the door. 

“I'm guessing you're okay with her staying the night?” 

“Of course you guys can stay the night, Y/N.” He says and he stumbles a little to get to you, so you smile and shake your head, about to let him know that you're not staying anywhere near his roommate when he continues “You can come over whenever you like. You know that, right?” 

“I know, Woo.” 

“I barely even see you these days, I… Oh! I forgot!” he points to the end of the hall, towards the kitchen “You guys don't really like each other so maybe don't come over when he's here because I don't want to see you sad!” 

“Lower your voice,” you whisper to him, bringing a hand to his face and patting his cheek a few times to wake him up “Did the alcohol suddenly hit you or something?” you sigh for the umpteenth time “Anyways, you should lay down and I'll get going. I'll come pick her up tomorrow and—” 

“That's such a great idea! Oh, I'm a genius.” 

“You didn't come up with it, Wooyoung.”

“San!” he calls all of the sudden and you wish he was sober enough to read the panic on your features. He seems much, much sober when his best friend starts walking down the hall and stops right beside you “Take Y/N home, please, she's going to give you a bag that you must protect with your life.” 

Said best friend looks at you, his eyebrow arched in a silent question “Gyuri’s stuff.” 

“Ah.”

“Go, go. It's getting late, I'll just… I'll cuddle with my ex until you get home.” 

And she has the nerve to say he doesn't want her back. 

When the door to Wooyoung's room closes and you're left with San on the poorly lit hallway, you make a mental note to never step foot on this place or allow your friends to drink ever again. 

You don't even look at the guy before practically running down the hallway and reaching for your bag. You make sure your phone is secured in your pocket as you slip your shoes on and soon you're grabbing the front door knob and twisting it. 

Keys jingle next to you but, again, you don't spare San a glance. 

“So—” 

“I'll get out of your hair, you don't have to… walk me home or whatever he said.” 

“Y/N, it's late.” 

Turning to him, your smile is as fake as the ones you've been giving him the past couple of years “And I'm a grown up, San, I can walk myself home.” 

“What about Gyuri’s stuff?” 

“She can wear Wooyoung's clothes, it's not like they never shared before. Anyway… Thank you for having me, it was nice to see you. Goodnight.” Your response comes out fast and it sounds as planned out as it actually is, kinda robotic and devoid of actual emotion. 

San can't see through you the way you see through him. It's okay, he won't mind it. 

He probably won't mind that you close his own door on his face either. 

If that door is what you hear when you're making your way down the stairs in order to make a fast escape, you choose to ignore it. 

You have to stop mid-way to compose yourself. You don't know why you feel like crying or why your heart is beating so fast. 

You knew going in that there was a possibility of seeing him tonight. You know how San affects you, so effortless and seemingly like no time has passed at all in between senior year and present day. 

You know all of this already, it's an endless loop that will keep repeating until you either move away or decide to stop agreeing to Wooyoung's plans all together. 

So why is your chest heaving with emotion? Why is nostalgia playing mind tricks with you? Why do you want to turn back and hug him and beg him to turn back time so you can do it all differently now that you know how to look like and what to say to make him love you back? 

Ah, you're definitely not sleeping tonight. So you start distracting yourself while walking down the stairs again. You remind yourself to tell a much sober Wooyoung how proud you are of him. You think about Seonghwa, about his kind eyes and the way he grabbed your hand to dance with him just half an hour ago. You wonder how long it will take you to get home if you jog all the way there. You—

Why the fuck is San outside when you get there? 

In a comedic way, you can see your attempt to distract your mind off of him slipping through your fingers and evaporating in the warm summer night breeze. 

In a realistic way, you're fucking pissed at him for taking the opportunity of a good night sleep away from you. 

You pass him and start jogging like you planned a minute ago. Footsteps follow you until his arm brushes yours and you take a step to the side to stop it from happening again. 

“Go home, Choi San.” 

“Stop fighting it, Y/N. I'm walking you home.” 

“It's a twenty minute walk—” 

“Drop it.” 

You do. And for the first ten minutes, no one utters a word even if the tension feels electric and the street is so quiet so you can hear when his breath accelerates when he jogs to catch up to you whenever you try to leave him behind. 

Isn't that ironic. He was the one who left you behind all those years ago. 

“I didn't know that you danced.” 

He breaks the uncomfortable but safe silence to say that? 

“Well, you saw me dance so I clearly dance when I want to.” 

“You never danced with me.” 

“You never asked me to.” 

He laughs “I'm pretty sure I did on several occasions, Y/N.” 

“Well, you're wrong,” you're getting annoyed. How dare he think he remembers better than you? “It doesn't matter anyway, what's past is past and—” 

“You also gave Hwa your number,” he interrupts, his long legs taking two strides to get in front of you, still walking, facing your direction with his hands on his pockets. 

It's dangerous and stupid, even if the streets are practically empty and the sidewalk barely has any bumps. 

You hope he falls on his pretty face.

“I did.* 

“I don't have your number.” 

“Well, I changed it and you never asked for it, so…” 

“You could've called me or texted me to let me know you did it.” 

He's getting on your nerves.

“San,” you start, taking in a deep breath you hope calms you down “We don't even text anymore, why would you want my number?” 

“Do you like him?” 

“Seonghwa?” you ask, frowning and he nods “Like… As a person?” 

“As a potential love interest.” He clarifies matter-of-factly and you roll your eyes. 

“I met him today, San. Why do you want my number?” 

“Because we're friends?” he offers after a second, shifting so he's walking by your side again. 

“Are we?” you ask, laughing bitterly at that “Because we haven't spoken a word to each other in years.” 

“That's not true.” 

“It is, San.” 

“You… You don't speak to me anymore, so…” 

“Well your girlfriend at the time told me she didn't feel comfortable with me speaking to you anymore,” you sigh “so I didn't and you didn't try to talk to me either.” 

“Well, I want to talk to you now.” 

“And is your new girlfriend aware of that? Is she comfortable with that? Because I don't want anyone telling me what to do anymore and—” 

“Why wouldn't she be comfortable? We're friends, Y/N.” 

“Are we?” you insist, petty, bitter and overall very, very hurt. 

He looks offended at that “I assumed we were?” 

He's getting on your fucking nerves. 

“We stopped being friends the second Minseo asked me to stay away from you because she didn't like me, San.” 

“She’s not in my life anymore—” 

The words are coming out of your mouth without even thinking it through. His demeanor, the way he's somehow reproaching you for whatever he saw between you and his friend, the way he pretends nothing happened between you and him, thinking that you two are still friends. 

“We stopped being friends when you pulled away from me, saw me do the same and did nothing to stop it from happening, San.” 

He stops in his tracks at that. You don't, pushing forward and quickening your step even if your calves burn. 

“Either way,” you speak up “Make sure you tell your girlfriend about wanting my number and then you can ask Seonghwa for it if you want—” 

“She's not my girlfriend anymore!” 

Now that stops you, just a few buildings down from yours, you turn around just to find San closer that you thought he'll be.

“O-oh. I… I didn't know that. I'm sorry.” 

“You didn't do anything to be sorry for.” 

“Still, it must suck so I'm sorry you're going through that.” 

“We didn't want the same things and so we ended it. It is what it is.” 

You nod. 

He walks the few steps separating you and you have to raise your chin a little to look him in the eye for the first time since you left his apartment “I wanted to tell you.” 

“That you broke up with your girlfriend?” 

“Yeah, I don't know why. It happened when I broke up with Minseo too, I just… You're the first person that I thought of calling when it happened. I texted you, too, but the messages didn't go through.” 

You hum at that. 

Why would he even say that? 

You resume your step, not really knowing what to say until you reach the stairs that lead to your building’s entrance. 

“And you didn't ask Woo for my number?” 

He follows you up. 

“I don't think he would've given it to me if I asked.” 

That sounds like an excuse, so you don't let it slide as you enter the code to your building and let yourself inside, San holding the door so he can get in as well “Why would he do that?” 

“Because he…” San sighs, pressing the elevator button “Nevermind. He just wouldn't.”

Frowning, you turn to him “No, now you have to tell me.” 

“It doesn't matter, really—” 

“Tell me, San.” 

He stares for a second and then looks away, like a child, vulnerable and you can't help but soften at that “He didn't like the way I treated you.” 

Eating your words from before, you shake your head “You didn't treat me like anything.” 

The elevator dings and you get inside. 

San follows you. 

“Exactly,” he says, resting his shoulder on the metal “Like you said I just did nothing and—” 

“Well, sometimes that's just what happens,” you want to end this. You want to pack Gyuri’s bag, give it to him and never see him again. 

This conversation hurts, it reopens barely closed wounds and it creates new ones you don't really need when it comes to whatever happened between you two. 

There's only so much a person can handle and it really doesn't help that you're a fool for San. He takes advantage of it, of the fact you can't really push him away at this point and the fact that he wants to have this conversation now instead of four and half years ago? 

Mean. 

He's mean. He's evil. He's… He's staring at you with a spark in his eyes that you recognize too well. 

Hope. 

When you get to your floor, you try to wipe the image away while busying yourself with your keys. Your hands tremble a little but you're able to open the door of your apartment and get in without inviting him. 

He gets in anyway. You take off your shoes as he closes the front door. 

He stays silent as he follows you around the apartment and you don't worry about turning the lights on. You get into Gyuri’s room and start picking out a comfy hangover outfit for your friend. Some clean underwear, sweatpants, two shirts and socks. 

When you drop to the floor, in front of the closet, to look for a bag to stash all of it in, San silently clutches beside you. 

“It shouldn't have happened to us. Never us.” 

You can't take it anymore. 

“San, what is this? What are you doing? I mean, why are we—” 

“I know.” 

“It's been years…”  

“I miss you.” 

He's so mean. But the softness in his tone resembles the one he used all the way back in highschool, when he told you that not being friends with you didn't feel right and you want to cave in right there and then. 

Your heart screams at you to do it, your reason warns you that you both have been through this before and it never ends right. 

You simply can't stay friends with Choi San. 

Your love for him must run too deep, your resentment claws at it and tries to hurt it but it's an immovable force that won't budge even if you try to bury it under the years that have passed, the things he has done. 

Tears gather in your eyes and you try to blink them away as you stare at your best friend's clothes on your lap and try to come up with something to close this path up again, reconstruct the picket fence you built around it the second he broke your heart for the first time. 

“Yeah,” you whisper back, letting the walls fall a little “I miss you too but I don't think I miss whatever version of you you are right now, San.” 

“W-what?”

His shaky voice makes the walls crumble and crash. 

Turning to him, your hand shakes as you place it on top of his “And you don't miss the version of me I am right now. You miss what I was back then, the comfort and the shoulder to cry on I offered you when Arin and you broke up. You miss my availability and the way I didn't press my feelings on you because it didn't matter if I liked you or not, you were my friend first and the guy that I had a crush second but—” you choke up, tears falling down your cheeks even if you don't want them to “I can't do it anymore. I'm not that girl anymore and I won't be there for you now that you and Kyungmi broke up because I can't handle it. I can't, I'm sorry.” 

He doesn't deny any of it.

He stares at you, tears wetting his cheeks as well and it hurts even more this way. You wish you had the strength to hold it together, to treat him like you did on the street a few minutes ago, but you can't. 

There's no way you could ever hate him like you want to. 

“You know…” he starts in a whisper, letting out a humorless chuckle “That's what I used to tell myself too.” 

“Hm?” 

“That you were my friend first and the girl that I had a crush on second.” 

How dare he mutter the words you always wanted to hear, the ones you picture being said in a different setting, the ones that haunted your every waking thought that period of time you doubted your friends, your mom, yourself for even believing Choi San could ever have a crush on you. 

He doesn't get to say them. You want to tell him but the words die on your throat and form a lump that you can't swallow down. 

You don't get to say that. You don't get to say that. 

Your hand drops from his and you look away again only to grab the first bag you find on the closet floor and shove Gyuri’s stuff in it. 

If the lack of response it's what prompts the hurt in his voice the next time he speaks, you don't want to think about it. 

“I wish I didn't. Now it's too late to do something about it, huh?” 

This time the rage comes back with a mask on. Feing settlement for all the what if’s covers you like a blanket on a really hot summer night: unwanted, unnecessary. 

But you can't sleep without it, so you do nothing to push it away. 

“I guess it is.” 

You get up from the floor, leaving the room and wiping your face with bitterness coating your movements as you wait by the door for him to get out. 

When he does and he steps in front of you, you extend the bag and he takes it without missing a beat. 

Voice robotic and words premeditated, you open the front door for him “Thanks for walking me home and taking this back.” 

He leans a little into your space and you don't move away. But just as he did in highschool, he takes in your hitched breath and does nothing more.

“Thanks for letting me talk to you.” 

He didn't give you much of a choice there but it's okay. This is closure, this is the end of your story with Choi San and you convince yourself you're glad that it is. 

“Sure,” you whisper back and he steps outside, turning around to watch you slowly close the door “goodnight, San.” 

He doesn't say it back. 

When the darkness of your apartment engulfs you, that's when you let yourself breakdown. Covering your mouth with your palm, you descend until your knees are against the wood on the floor and closing your eyes you make it a point to let it all out. 

You'll let it all out, drink some water, text Wooyoung and Gyuri to let them know you're safe and go to bed. 

And tomorrow you'll begin your day with the freedom of finally knowing what would've happened if you or San ever took the next step. 

This is fine. This is moving on. This is— 

The doorbell rings. 

Opening the door again, you crease your eyebrows in a silent question that San doesn't care to answer, so you look around the floor in case he forgot something you're missing. You wipe your cheeks and under your eyes as you turn to him again “Did you—” 

Time slows down when he makes it past the threshold and you can't move an inch, gaping at who you once thought was the love of your life “What are you doing, San?” 

“Something about it.” 

“What?” 

“Forgive me,” he asks, breathless and in a murmur, fueling your confusion. And then he's closing the distance, dropping Gyuri’s bag and cupping your face so gently that it hurts “but I'm doing something about it.” 

You stopped dreaming about the possibility of San kissing you that one time you two were on your bed and, another time, you told yourself that, if it ever happened, you wouldn't kiss him back. 

It's too late to kiss him back. 

But sparks fly when he crushes you against the wall and takes in a breath before slothing his mouth against yours like he's been waiting to do this every single day for the past nine years you've known each other. 

There's nothing you can do to conceal the way yearning takes over you, pours out of you, making you breathe into his open mouth and kiss him back like you always wanted to. 

You already know it is a mistake by the time you grab his shirt to keep him in place but does it really matter when this is all you ever wanted? 

Feeling warmth leave your face, you notice the way he desperately crowds your space as his chest bumps into yours, leg claiming its place in between yours, the palm that leaves you pressing against the wall, next to your head. 

The kiss is filled with emotion, with longing and desire and it steals the air out of your lungs tragically and beautifully at the same time. Before, you used to dream about his lips making everything feel right, making you fit in in a world you didn't feel like you belonged to. 

But this kiss drops you into uncharted territory, drags you into the depths of something that should be buried by now, after all this time. It brings the flame back to life and it's dangerous. 

The fact that it feels this way, both marvelous and catastrophic at the same time, makes you so sad. 

Sorrow descends down your face until your mouth is picking it up and your tongue is mixing it with whatever emotion is cruising through San right now. 

You have to know. 

He spent your entire youth and early adulthood keeping it to himself, knowing when to show his true colors and when to hide them, choosing who to do it with and you realize the San that lives in your head is nothing but a figment of what you wanted him to be. 

Because him holding to your waist like it's his only lifeline doesn't fit the San you remember, him telling you he liked you back then doesn't fit the guy who was just your best friend. 

You need to know. 

“San,” brokenly, you speak into his mouth and he pulls away just enough to see your face. Your eyes remain closed, your chest heaving and your lips trembling “Why are you doing this?” 

“Because I want you, Y/N.” 

You push him away, weakly, almost like you don't really mean it because deep down you don't but he steps away like you're asking to. 

Because, of course, your mind scraps the bottom of your resentment to give his words a completely new meaning. 

“You can find another girl to fuck and be your rebound, San,” more tears spill down and you wipe them away in anger but more threat to fall down so you cover your face with your hands and groan, desperate “I can't do this, especially not when I know that you know how bad I wanted you. Y-you know what you do to me San so stop—”

“I want you in my life. I don't— What? I don't want you like a rebound, I… Can we sit down and turn on a light so I can look at you when I say this?” 

His words should be reassuring but they're not, the way you tend to feel unlovable around him coming up to the surface, preventing you from thinking clearly. 

You can also feel his lips on yours still. It's dizzying but you manage to push yourself off the wall and pad around until you hit the switch of the warm light lamp near the couch and the apartment comes to life just like that. 

He takes in the space he's never seen before, walking slowly towards the living room and looking over the bookshelf that screams your name all over it. He smiles a bit as he looks over the book titles and you look away before your heart starts acting up again. 

You can't stay mad at him for long if he's looking through something so personal to you and smiling that fondly at it. It feels even more intimate than the kiss you two just shared. 

Wiping your cheeks once more, you are sure you look a mess but he doesn't seem to mind it once he comes into your point of view, sitting down on the couch, in front of your standing form. He grabs you by your hands until you're sitting next to him, close to him, cologne intoxicating your senses. 

“I told you I liked you when we were in highschool, right?” 

You nod. 

“You seemed surprised but it was dark so I'm not really sure. I thought you knew, everyone knew.” 

Oh, he's a comedian. 

“How would I have known, San? I… Yeri told me you liked me one time, in senior year, but I denied it. Then, my mom told me you seemed to want me in a non-platonic way and I dismissed her as well,” you take in a deep, shaky breath “For me, the thought of you liking me just didn't make sense. You loved Arin and she's… She doesn't look or act like I did back then at all, so how would I have known?” 

You didn't need clues and puzzles and what if’s, you needed words and actions that weren't confusing. You needed him to tell you back then, because telling you right now and kissing you senseless after he broke up with a girl he supposedly was very in love with means nothing but pain. 

“I didn't realize you liked me too,” you make a face, about to tell him off, but he interrupts “I didn't! I thought you liked Yeri and I thought you saw me as the annoying guy who wouldn't leave you alone. I only just realized it a couple years ago, because Woo told me.” 

You raise your eyebrows and mutter under your breath “I'm murdering him tomorrow.” 

The corner of his lips twitch before he shakes his head in dismissal of what you said “I liked you. I really, really liked you and never told a soul because… Well, it's scary when you fall in love, right?” 

“San, you had no problem telling Arin, Minseo or Kyungmi that you liked them.” 

He looks down to the floor, lost in thought and you want to open your mouth to take what you just said into a new direction, but you don't “Maybe that's because I didn't love them the way I love you.” 

Oh. 

Love you? As in… He loves you right now too? 

No way. 

“You didn't love me, San. You don't love me right now either, you… Maybe we both were in love with the idea of love? Maybe that's what happened and—” 

“Quit telling me what I'm feeling, Y/N. You always do that, you always assume you know what I'm feeling but you don't!” 

Raising your voice a little more, you try to get your point across in the worst way possible: by being stubborn “You don't know me! How can you possibly—” 

“I knew you back then, Y/N! And I loved you back then, too!” He looks like wants to say something more but he doesn't, instead, he takes a calming breath and then leans into your space for the third time tonight “And I might not know you now but I want to. That's what I meant when I said that I want you. I want you in my life, I want to know the person you became when we stopped talking, I want to talk to you every single day and I want to hold you and kiss you and be by your side however you want me to, I just… I can't lose you again.” 

His confession renders you speechless and you notice his chest is heaving, going up and down in sync with yours. 

But the way he pulled away from you senior year still hurts, it paints a picture of what's going to happen if you accept this. 

You can't believe his words. 

He must feel lonely and confused, like he did when Arin broke up with him. He must be looking for a shelter you can't provide. 

“And when you find another girl that's more to your liking? What then, San?” 

“There's no one that I love more than you, Y/N and I'm sorry I was shit at proving it back then and I'm sorry that it took so many years for me to come to my senses.” 

He's tearing up and your heart pangs absurdly loud at that. 

“I saw you with Seonghwa earlier today, laughing and dancing and flirting and I thought: Oh, maybe if I didn't waste that much time pretending I'm someone I'm not, that would be me.” 

You stare for a second, you watch a single tear drop down his cheek and then look away. 

“Is that what you were doing? Is that why you pulled away?” 

“Maybe?” he offers and you turn to him again. Is not enough and maybe he can see it in your expression, because he goes on “I mean, I… I thought I wanted Arin. I thought I wanted Minseo. I had people in my life who were really happy to see me with them and I just…” 

“Wanted to keep them happy,” you nod, understanding. He doesn't have to say his mothers name for you to know he's referring to her and maybe his other highschool friends outside of Wooyoung “Were you pretending with me as well?” 

“No,” he answers right away “You and Woo were the only ones who saw me for who I really was back then.” 

“And why do you think you love me now, San?” you ask, deflating against the couch and ignoring the way your heart soars at his quick response.

“Because I never stopped,” he stammers out and then clears his throat “Because I looked for you in Minseo and Kyungmi and I wondered for years why they couldn't make me feel the same way. And I told myself I didn't need to feel the same way and that I deserved to wonder for the rest of my days but seeing you tonight? I can't.” 

Straightening your spine, the pained look you sent in his direction is not intentional but it prompts him to lean closer and closer until he's cupping your cheek again. 

“I can't keep wondering.” His voice is a sweet whisper, a siren song that draws you in until your forehead is resting against his. 

All these years, you were so self-focused on changing to a better version of who he used to know, learning from your mistakes and closing off to the opportunity of letting him prove himself a better man, you forgot that time passed for him too. He’s telling you he changed, too. 

Imagination is a safe space. Is where you hide, where desire can take its wings and fly high without hurting you too much. Make belief has rescued you before but this? The way his nose nuzzles softly into yours and your breaths tangle? This is very real. And reality is prone to hurt you. 

But the want you feel is undeniable. The way your entire being wants to cave in and give him an opportunity is suffocating, it makes you choke out a sob that he follows with one of his own. 

You kiss him, softly at the beginning, but his hands on you tighten and you let yourself get lost in the way they go down your neck and your arms, caressing you softly until they reach your waist and pull you into his lap. 

Pulling away, you grab his chin with two fingers and force his teary eyes to snap open, searching for an answer on yours.

“If you hurt me,” you start, breathless “If you're mocking me, if you're using me to get over Kyungmi, if you are pulling me back in to break my heart again, Choi San, I swear to God I will kill you.” 

“I won't do that to you ever again, Y/N,” he returns softly “I love you, I'm sorry if I ever hurt you but I love you.” 

Others would argue that it is pathetic how quickly you forgive him. But then again, you could never be mad at San. 

You were only mad at yourself for how everything turned out. 

“I love you too, Sannie.” 

Saying something never felt so freeing before. 

“Oh, Y/N…” you can see the way relief washes his worries away “Y/N…” he starts to say but then leans in to kiss you again and never finishes his words. 

You don't mind it. 

Pouring out all the pent up affection you pretended to bury for years, you explore his mouth and carve into your memory the way he feels. The way he sighs into it when your tongue brushes his, the way he pulls you in closer when your fingers reach the nape of his neck and pull on his hair there, hands splayed on your back so he can keep you in place as he leans down and places you against the worn out couch. 

He maps you out, hands going down your waist in a familiar feeling that brings back that memory of you two laying down on your bed. Only this time, he's actually touching you with a purpose. This time, you two have made up your minds and your limbs are tangled in a way you can feel all of him pressing up against you. 

It starts to get stuffy, the space on the couch not nearly enough to have him the way you want to. Soon, you're both standing up, mouths still moving against each other and hands roaming everywhere until you're undoing the buttons on his shirt. 

He pulls away to fully take it off, eyes never leaving yours, dropping the shirt to the ground, next to the couch and then he's on you again, making your back crash into the wall as he works the knots keeping your blouse together. 

He walks you through the hall, stopping only to take your top off and then he's walking you to a room that has a familiar scent that doesn't belong to you.

“Wrong room, wrong room,” you say into his lips and he laughs, looking to your surroundings “Mine’s over there.” you point to the other end of the hall, taking his hand and pulling him towards it. 

You don't make it far before he's yanking you towards him again. He looks down, taking your body in and you do the same, his firm and defined stomach a sight you never thought you would be able to see. 

“You're so beautiful,” he whispers, backing you against the wall again and kissing your cheek “So, so beautiful.” 

Turning your head to chase his mouth, he lets out a heavy sigh when his lips trail a path to your neck and murmurs against the skin there “I never told you how beautiful I found you before but you're so perfect, baby.” 

“I always thought I wasn't your type, San,” you let out a noise when he grabs your hips and pulls you forward, crashing his into yours “Fuck.” 

“And I always thought you were too much for me, too smart,” he kisses his way back up, focusing on your jaw and chin until he's kissing your cheek again “too pretty,” he moves to your ear, pecking right under it and you hold him closer “too good for me.” 

It doesn't really matter that this is all new to you, the way he's speaking, the tenor of his voice, the things he's saying… It sparks something familiar in you. You're pulling his hair back to make him look at you, a moan slipping out of his lips at that. 

You want to hear it again. 

He's smiling at your reaction, hand tightening on his locks.

However, that smile drops when he seems to recognize the gleam in your eyes. 

You gather up courage, feeling empowered by the way his hooded eyes darken but wait patiently for you to speak your mind. 

“Maybe I'm too good for you now, too,” you lean in, your lips softly tracing his “Maybe you should prove to me that you deserve me, San.” 

It's a dare. One that he seems to like a lot because his eyes sparkle with the same fire they used to back in the day. 

“Oh, I'll prove it to you, alright.” He whispers, panting when you let go of his hair and he leans into you to kiss your lips briefly before pulling away again.

His hand tilts your head back and you rest it against the cold wall, his fingers touch your bottom lip before going down and down and down until they rest against the seam of your pants, unbuttoning them in one swift movement. 

Going back up, his nails softly dig into your skin and you preen, taking the soft sting of his ministrations like you two have done this a million times before.  

His mouth is on yours again, his hands are pulling you off the wall and into your room until you two land on your mattress with a soft tud, a moan spilling out of your lips when he sloths his knee in between your legs and pulls them apart with expertise. 

You don't have the mind to break down what that means. 

Opening your eyes when he kisses down your neck again, you notice your room is barely lit by the street lights outside, curtains pulled open and windows closed but, this way, you can see the way San kisses between your breasts and your belly, catching his eyes when he looks up to measure your reaction. 

You sigh, already feeling some sort of build up going on down there and he hasn't even touched you properly yet. 

You don't even want to think about how wet you actually are. 

He leans back, open palms going down your legs slowly until they reach your feet. It tickles and you can't help but let out a giggle that he joins short after, his gaze never losing the edge because of it, though. 

“San…” 

He guides your hips up so he can take off your pants and you sigh when his hands return, raising your leg up “I missed your laugh,” he says low, attaching his lips to your calf “I miss being the one making you laugh too.” 

You feel like crying again but then he's letting your leg down and grabbing the other one to give it the same treatment, so your tears can wait. 

This time, he moves upwards till his mouth nears your clothed center and your breath hitches. 

Yeah, you can definitely cry later.

“You want me to prove to you how much I want you, Y/N?” he murmurs, his lips ghosting your mound now “How much I love you?” 

“San, p-please…” 

“Fuck, look at you.” He sounds like he's too lost in the heat of the moment and you're kind of grateful, because the moan you let out when his fingers hook on your underwear and pull them to the side to expose your pussy to his hungry eyes is loud. 

When he kisses you right where you need him, you let out another moan. And when he parts your folds to lick a stripe up to your clit, you curse him under you breath until he's laughing against you softly, the vibrations accumulating heat on your belly. 

He doesn't tease you much longer and you look down at him just to catch the moment his self control slips, eating you out like a man starved while his hand stays on your hip to hold you down and keep you underwear from interrupting his feast. 

“This is like,” he dives in again for a few seconds and you grab the sheets beneath you “All my fantasies coming to life but better.” 

He's so chatty during this and the only thing you can do is stammer a yeah? and pray for it to reach his ears.

“Mhm,” the circles your clit with the tip of his tongue and your legs shake “Taste even better than what I dreamed, too.” 

The heat of his mouth leaves you, lips spreading your wetness through your stomach until he fully reaches your face, your eyes closed and lips already waiting for him. 

Tongue caressing yours, your hands trail down his torso and focus on getting his pants off. You're shaking with excitement so it proves to be more difficult than you imagined at first but he helps you in unbuckling his belt. 

Once the piece of clothing is one the floor (or the bed, you're not really paying attention on where it lands), you don't waste time in feeling him up through his boxers. 

The hiss you get in return makes you smile. 

Bringing your lips to his neck, you suckle on this pulse point and gain another pleased noise before grazing your teeth against skin and moving to his collarbone next.

In a way, you get what he means. If he truly was pining over you the way you were pining over him, the thought of exploring his tan skin and making him moan feels like a dream. 

So you kiss him again in order to make it all last longer. 

The minutes pass between the both of you, softly making out and figuring out what gets both of you going, discarding your underwear in the process. 

You realize your moans make San’s cock twitch against your leg and he seems to notice the way your hips buck up everytime his hands handle you more roughly. 

After a few minutes of just this, you feel his hand making its way down again and the pads of his fingers circle your clit until you're grasping the sheets again. He gathers your arousal and then enters one finger slowly and when it slides in and out with ease, he enters the next one. 

There's really not much prepping he needs to do, already soft and compliant under him, you relax into his comfortable touch before you're aching for something else. And your mouth is preoccupied with his, so you do something else to catch his attention. 

Hands caressing his back, you let them drop to his ass with a soft smack that wins you a soft huff on amusement and then a whine when you move his hips towards yours. 

“Condom?” 

You shake your head “I'm clean and I have an implant.” 

“Oh?” he smirks, about to tease you but you squeeze his butt again and he moans “Fuck. I'm clean too.” 

“Good,” you whisper against his cheek, laughing as he arranges his position. 

And he might've been touching you all this time, kissing you until your mind emptied and your lips are all swollen up, but the look on his eyes when he slowly enters you is what might drive you over the edge. 

Grabbing your hands, he pins them on the side of your head as he moves, dropping his head down with a groan as you take him in, nose touching yours and moth whispering sweet things you can't quite pick up. 

He feels so good. 

This all feels way too good to be real. 

In the cloud you're at, you allow yourself to dream a little more before the reality of what your confessions mean dawns on you. 

For now, you allow San to make love to you. Sweetly, slowly and with a passion you never were lucky enough to encounter before. 

Maybe it's because your previous lovers didn't have your heart the way San does. 

He rams his hips into yours hard, closing his eyes and resting his warm cheek against yours, kissing your face inch by inch when you accompany his movements with your own. 

When his pace picks up, you hug him close and secure your legs around his hips as you moan. 

“Y-yes, fuck.” 

“Like that?” he repeats the movement from before, pulling out and then in with such force it rocks the entire bed. 

“Just like that, baby, fuck.” 

“God, you sound so good,” you smile a little, forehead resting on his shoulder before your head falls down against your pillow again “I love you,” he repeats against your lips, letting your hands go to cup your face with both of his again “I love you so much.” 

Teetering over the edge, you feel happy tears stinging in your eyes. Though closed, you can feel San’s stare on you, on your face, on the way you react to his sweet words and relentless pace. 

You say it back in a whisper and he repeats it again and again and again until you're both coming and tears are spilling down your cheeks. 

He kisses them away. 

You wipe his with trembling fingers as you come down, having trouble breathing from everything that just happened. 

You don't feel suffocated anymore, you feel like you've been freed. Like this was supposed to happen at some point and you two finally got around to it. 

“I love you,” he says once more before slipping out of you with a parting kiss. 

Holy shit. 

When San gets up from the bed and you point him to the bathroom, down the hallway, you're left with a sticky mess in between your legs and a lot to think about but you settle on four things. 

San just made love to you. There's no way that was just sex. 

There's also no way you're coming back from this. 

Gyuri is probably going to kill you. 

And that, obviously, your feelings for San never left. You feel the familiar warmth of them spreading through your post-orgasmic state. They're there, mocking you, asking you who the fuck you thought you were for pushing them away. 

He returns, toilet paper in his hands before leaning in and cleaning you up, lips immediately finding home on your skin as he does. 

You both giggle at that.

You probably need to shower but you've been crying and there's no way you're leaving this bed tonight. He throws the paper away on your bedroom’s trashcan and then crashes into the bed next to you, still naked, still looking at you with so much love you're wondering what stopped you from seeing it was there before. 

Taking his hand, you bring it to his lip and give his knuckles a peck “That was really good.” 

“It was.” 

“I can't believe we actually just did that…” 

He smiles and what he says next shocks you even more than his confession “I want to take you out.” 

“San… You just came inside me not even ten minutes ago.” 

“And?” you laugh and he shakes his head, leaning into your space again “I spent many years doing everything wrong, let me do it the right way.” 

“Making love to me one time and then taking me out on a date is not the right way, sir.” 

He nuzzles your cheek with his nose and you let out a pleased sigh “Who said it was just one time, huh?” Attacking your neck with his lips again, you push him away with a laugh. 

“Oh, come on!” 

He laughs as well “Give me ten minutes and I'll make it two!” 

San makes love to you two more times. And by four in the morning, you're snuggled into his arms and sleeping soundly. 

When you wake up and find the space next to you empty, you think it was all a dream. Your naked form begs to differ and you quickly put the t-shirt you usually wear to bed on and your panties underneath it to go out and face the feelings of your actions fighting with the blender in the kitchen. 

“How do you two live with this stupid thing?” 

“We don't,” you answer, startling him “We don't use it. What are you trying to make?” 

San’s shirtless, wearing his pants and his hair messy. Looking back at the living room clock, you see it's just five past ten. 

Smiling as he approaches you, you forget you must look a mess too when he pecks your lips and barely pulls away “Good morning, beautiful.” 

You pretend to cringe at that, pulling away “Oh, God. Morning, dumbass.” 

“You like it, you're blushing,” he points out and the pink on your cheek deepens as he's going back to the blender “Does anything work here?” 

“The microwave,” you shrug “And the stove. Were you trying to make yourself a…” you look over the ingredients he has pulled out of your fridge “Green juice?” 

“I was trying to make both of us a green juice,” he corrects and your heart skips at the immediate domestic attitude he has with you “But now I can tell neither of you drink anything like it, hm? I'm buying you a blender.” 

“Please don't.” 

“Why?” 

“Why do you think that one is broken?” 

He hums, huffing out a laugh seconds later and you walk over to him, unsure on how to approach him even though what you did yesterday night and earlier this morning didn't allow your shyness to step in. 

Now you're feeling it. 

He can tell, because he stops fighting with the steel appliances to grab your waist and pull you close “I wanted to make you breakfast.” 

“We can make breakfast together and I can order your green juice,” you compromise and he nods, but he doesn't let you go “And later we can go out on that date you promised me yesterday and we can go over what we're going to tell the two idiots.” 

His smile drops. 

“Oh, fuck.” 

Grimacing, you nod “It was the second thing I thought about after waking up.” 

“What was the first?” 

“Oh, I was trying to remember if you ever asked me to dance before,” he nods with a smile “Guess what? You didn't.” 

He fake gasps at that “I did!” 

“No, you didn't!” 

“Babe, yes I did,” he insists and you laugh, which prompts him to wrap his hands around you tighter when you try to get away from him “It was when—” 

“Oh. My. God. I'm going to be sick again.” 

Now when the fuck did Gyuri come back. 

And why is Wooyoung with her too, jaw slack as he watches both of you pull away from each other and create a safe distance that doesn't help whatever your best friends just saw. 

“It worked?” he asks and you can barely hear him until he hollers like a crazy person “Oh, it worked! I am a genius!” 

“Wooyoung, hold me! I'm going to kill them!” Gyuri looks like she's about to launch towards you at any second now, so you close your eyes and accept your fate. But nothing happens “Wait— What worked?” 

When you open them again, San is hiding behind you and Gyuri’s back is to both of you as she looks at Wooyoung with, what you assume, murderous intentions. 

“Gyuri, let's talk about this,” the black haired guy puts his hands up “You were too drunk to discuss it so I made the choice of— Gyuri, no!” 

You burst into laughter when she starts chasing him around the apartment and San giggles as well, only more nervous than delighted by their little cat and mouse game. 

He's probably sensing he's next on her hit list. 

As if you would let anything happen to him in the first place. 

“Stop, stop! I'm sorry, please leave me alone!” you hear Wooyoung’s voice echoing through your hall and in a second he's entering the kitchen, rounding you and San “I'm so happy for you guys, really, this was meant to happ— Stop!” He cries when Gyur catches onto him and yanks his hair to stop him from running.  

“Y/N,” she starts, chest heaving and you take a step back, crashing into San’s chest. He holds onto you only to push you a little and protect himself from the fury of your best friend “When I told you fuck him I didn't meant this!” 

“I know.” 

Wooyoung whines but he can't get away from her grasp so he just accepts it and pouts like a child. 

“A-and you!” She points towards the guy resting his chin on your shoulder “How dare you! If this is something casual for you then—” 

“I love her.” He defends himself quickly and your heart all but stops at that. 

“You do?” Wooyoung coos, amazed at his best friend’s confession. 

Gyuri's anger falters at that. 

“You… You do?” 

“And I love him,” you let out in a shy whisper, smiling a bit “But you already knew that.” 

“Of course I already knew that, bitch, I am your other half,” she makes a point to stare at San as she says it, letting Wooyoung go and he massages the part of his scalp that was targeted by his ex “Don't forget that.” 

“Y-yes ma'am.” 

You laugh again and Woo joins the embrace, eyeing you both expectantly and rolling his eyes when neither of you say anything to him “Well, you are so welcome guys. What are we having for breakfast?” 

You and San don't get to go out on that date. 

But when you do, he asks you to be his girlfriend the next day. 

And when you say yes he almost breaks down in excited tears.

Eventually, even Gyuri comes around and threatens him into treating you right, which means he earned her seal of approval. 

You delete the document on your laptop when you find it a month into being his girlfriend and, instead, start drafting your new beginning on it, in first person this time because the story doesn't feel like it belongs to someone else now.

The first line read as it follows: 

How did I ever think San and I could be just friends? 

If you read all the way down here: THANK YOU SO MUCH. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated!

© jensthwa, 2024.

[elaeomyxa]

The college admissions can't see me here so I'm safe.

Anyways if your high school offered more than 10 AP courses I'm going to eat you

[lavenderthewolf]

Thinking about it more I think being in the gifted kid program fucked me up later on in school methinks