#uuuugh no one to blame but myself but god

[mybiasisexo]

rents due and I’m $400 short

[ask-beacons-finest]

.

[juuls]

So the good news is I’m not dying (well, let’s give it another 50 or so years then check back on that 😋)

I told a couple people but mostly kept it between my dad and I; at least, I told him stuff before my besties because I’m a daddy’s girl and I wanted comfort and hugs and someone physical to cry on.

And okay, look, what I’ve been experiencing is nowhere near as bad as others have it, but this was the worst case of nauseating gastrointestinal distress I have ever experienced to the point I woke up at 3am this morning, threw up for the 10th day in a row, clutching at my upper abdomen and barely able to walk (no one else was around to help me get there). Anyway, no one wants cramps where they’re not supposed to be on women—felt like when I ruptured an ovarian cyst a few years ago along with kidney stones another time, just felt higher up the abdomen.

Two points about the personnel at hospitals and how people with fibromyalgia get treated. One bad, and one surprisingly good.

The triage nurse told me I shouldn’t be wasting hospital time (there was no else in the waiting room because it was goddamn 5am) and that all ‘normal visits’ should be conducted through general practitioners/family doctors. Never mind the fact that the 2018 census showed 241 doctors for every 100,000 people. Which is abysmal, and I’m so lucky to have the same one for 20 years now. Anyway I told her in a snippy tone (I get bitchy when people imply I’m a hypochondriac or wasting people’s valuable space and resources as a disabled person) that a) it currently takes 6 weeks to get an appt with my doctor and that’s why I book two months in advance, but am shit out of luck if something pops up between all that. Like, I get a d understand and take precautions with Covid. But like??? Sometimes people need to have their abdomen poked and prodded which…

Might actually save my life/or from a long recovery surgery, or a lifetime of having to plan his and grandma’s days around his (I’m now learning: hereditary— thanks grampy) disease. But yeah this female doctor in probably her late thirties comes in and actually TAKES ME SERIOUSLY. I did also start the meet and greet by expressing concern over her doing what countless others have done…. Blame it all on the Fibromyalgia (oh you have a concussion Tommy?? Keep playing, it’s just your fibro!” Bitch please. Anyway. She said she absolutely understood and would help me figure out what feelings were fibro, and which were abnormal for anyone. Reminds me of this tweet I found around this hellsite:

But I’m so grateful she listed and she actually ordered all the blood panels they have available at this rural hospital, took x-rays, did a physical exam… and after all that and the tests she semi-smiled at me and said “well it’s not fibromyalgia” and I about cackled.

But yeah, if you start throwing up for no reason for 10 days in a row (plus some other gross things I shall not mention), please go to the hospital. Apparently I have something fucked up going on in my large/small intestine and perhaps colon. She was worried enough about me, since they don’t have the tech there except x-rays, that she said she’d bully my do tor into seeing me sooner so he can arrange some, uh…. Well; some not bad; some uuuugh…. tests to figure out wtf is going on.

I didn’t even know what was going on! So hard to explain pain when you’re in pain every day. Bah. But she helped and had excellent bedside manners and took me seriously. One of the best feelings as a fibro patient.

Only problem with it not being fibro… is you only have deductive reasoning and tons of tests to do. She told me if I don’t vet these tests done, I could die from a rupture or whatever term she used. Though I do know what sepsis is! Yay! *rolls eyes*

I’m just glad I didn’t talk myself out of going to the ER, because I was worried it ‘wasn’t serious’ enough…. Yeah well, your body can lie to you! Jerk body.

So yeah now I have a plan of action, new medications to hopefully last me until the more thorough tests are conducted.

I don’t want to be (more) sick, but I’ve always believed in knowing what can happen to your body even if it’s a bad thing. And maybe we caught this early.

All I can ask for now is this, though: please please please no more upchucking every day, or at leat only for a few days.

God, it’s been a miserable 10 days, but I still somehow feel better. Knowing does that. :)

(P.S. I’m not intending this as a ‘woe is me’ thing because sometimes people do care about how their friends are doing, and also because I am a hug supporter of listening to your body and judging WHEN not IF you go to the doctor about it. I hope this post helps that attitude somewhat.)

Anywho, we’ll see how the tests do (whenever that may be, because of Covid) and treagmt with meds a d adjust food until I learn more.

Take care. Be safe. Stay well!!!! ❤️

[cinaed]

Red vs Blue Season 3 Rewatch

Slowly making my way through my DVD collection of Red vs Blue!

"You can't die! I'm bored!" Donut is so ruthless in the earlier seasons and I love it. 

We really needed more Tex and Sheila girltime, talking about gender inequality and workplace harassment. 

Simmons actually calling himself Simmons 2.0 manages to be both hilarious and sad.

Yes, Sarge and Caboose team up! Season 3 has some of my favorite odd couples, and Sarge and Caboose is one of my favorites. Sarge being furious that Doc has a higher body count than he does, Caboose's dedication to nap time. 

I love Caboose's moral boost! He's great at compliments even if Sarge doesn't appreciate them. 

I know these zealots were like a mostly one-off joke, but also like...they could be a creepy potential experiment in making soldiers that can't die, which I wouldn't put past anyone in the Halo universe. 

I love the blame game of who came up with the plan that ended up with everyone scattered across the galaxy. Sarge: "My only choice is to blame Grif, for coming up with such a flawed plan. Stupid, stupid Grif." Grif: "I should have never listened to Donut's stupid fucking plan." 

Church and Grif in jail is one of my all-time favorite things. 

Simmons is such a tech savvy guy, reworking the teleporters to make them communication devices as well! He just wants some love and support.

Caboose getting angry. I mean, who wouldn't get angry at kittens with spikes that you couldn't cuddle?

"Simmons, you get an F in efficiency. But I have to give you an A+ in dramatic timing."

I do love O'Malley and Doc's dynamic. The Do Not Call list!

I love Tex's half-truths about the Freelancers. 

Also love Sarge calling Caboose a little rascal and Simmons just seething with jealousy. And he's also jealous about Donut! 

Church: There's no "I" in team, Grif. Grif: Yeah, there's no "U" either. So I guess if I'm not on the team, and you're not on the team, nobody's on the God damn team. The team sucks!

I may or may not quote that to myself on a weekly basis. 

Again, just Church and Grif together in that prison cell is sheer perfection. As is Church going "Wait, the people outside sound like they're winning, that can't be our teams."

Tucker likes Sheila so much! And she packed them food! Well, the AI equivalent of food, but it's the thought that counts! Just the sheer affection in Tucker's voice as he promises her they'll be back gave me emotions. 

And another good moment of Simmons being the one to suggest they track down Grif, because no one else was going to. 

In retrospect, Grif has clearly watched some prison pornos. Like... Buddy.

Wyoming calling Tex Allison has so many interesting implications. 

Simmons re-engineers stuff, Sarge makes a weather control device. Where's the AU where Sarge is a mad scientist.

Simmons asking Grif if he's okay after prison. Just loving the slow build of friendship between them.

Also big parallels of Church's "Misery loves company" and his willingness to let the bomb blow them all up together to later seasons stuff.

I still love that everyone's go-to explanation for stuff is "time travel."

Donut is too thin-skinned about criticism for his play. He'd never survive on Broadway, lol. But I love everything about the time travel show.

How is Tucker the smartest person in this group? But also Tucker being so worried about Church. I am having a lot of Tucker feelings this season. 

I love Grif's devotion to cheesy disaster movies. 

Caboose: Look what I found. Donut: I found it! Caboose: Look at what I took credit for finding.

Poor Donut! A grenade to the head and now his hand got chopped up.

Grif: Hey, what're you doing? Simmons: What does it look like I'm doing, I'm getting in the jeep. Grif: What're we, on a date? Get in the back. Simmons: Oh you're so insecure.

I would've watched an entire season of Doc and O'Malley and Lopez's Lair Improvements. And when Doc mentions a real estate agent all I can think of is an AU where Doc meets Kai because she's running her business on the side while in the military. But also Doc's motivational powers in the living room, O'Malley's belief that the cat won't hang on until Friday, it's great.

The iconic jeep conversation is still good now as it was back then. Re-enacting Dukes of Hazzard! "I can tell you what we weren't doing." 

Grif's mind immediately going to gay stuff as a favor from Tex. Between this and his prison conversation with Church, someone is protesting way too much.

Sarge's plans are so amazingly terrible. I love them.

Grif getting choked up over hating Blue Team and Tucker and missing the days where they all just stood around and talked a lot.

Tex sounding genuinely concerned when Tucker falls into the hall. Luckily he gets a cool sword out of it!

Tex's conversation with Simmons about shooting Lopez's head is a great example of an eloquent helmet look. Tex doesn't even say a word and you can feel the disbelief and rage when Simmons implies she may have missed.

Church: Caboose, I know you're there. I'm leaving this message from two thousand years in the past. Whatever you do, don't, touch, anything. Apparently you're this culture's version of the apocalypse. You're going to destroy this building, and somehow bring about doom for their entire race. Caboose: Mmmmmmnooo... that doesn't sound like me. I like people. And buildings also.

Time for some actual time travel or at least a simulation. But I do love Butch Flowers, haha. Whose greatest enemy is apathy! Love watching Church just make his own life worse. Also love the bit about Sheila having been made in Mexico. 

"Man... First I kill myself, then I realise I'm a honkin' dork. Not a very good day to be me."

Church: I learned a very valuable lesson in my travels, Tucker. No matter how bad things might seem- Caboose: They could be worse. Church: Nope, no matter how bad they seem, they can't be any better, and they can't be any worse, because that's the way things fucking are, and you better get used to it Nancy. Quit yer bitching.

Grif and Simmons and Sarge talking about the Blues, and Simmons saying he's not looking for friends and doesn't like his current crop AKA he just accidentally admitted Grif is his friend. Grif just didn't realize it.

Between the warthog and monkeying about discussions, Church and Grif really are on the same wavelength. 

I love the scheming versus plotting conversation.

Ugh, the arrival of Andy. I hate him so much.

Haha, Simmons lying about his math skills is great.

Uuuugh, Andy. :/ Freckles is SUCH a step up as Caboose's AI murder buddy.

"Do we really have to seize destiny? Can't we just invite it to join our online circle of friends?"

I love Lopez's little rebellion-- he might be under O'Malley's control, but he's also going to sabotage O'Malley as much as possible. And tricking O'Malley into insulting himself in Spanish.

I really forgot that Tex straight up tried to steal Tucker's sword. 

Military law is very clear in regard to the "not it" methodology for making decisions. Sorry, Donut. 

I forgot that Donut can speak Spanish. In fairness, so did the show. 

Hello, Crunchbite! 

Next up, the PSAs! 

Some of these have aged poorly... Like, uh, jokes about 2004 politics do not land well in 2020. And uh jokes about colds and flus. ...Okay, the Christmas PSA where Church destroys the Reds' Christmas tree, tells Caboose the truth about Santa Claus, gives everyone knock-off coal, convinces Church that Santa is now wearing blue and working only for the Blues, and scams Tucker out of a $350 gift is pretty funny though.  

I enjoyed Burnie playing himself in the outtakes by putting words he can't pronounce in his own script. And Grif singing Happy Birthday to Church in prison. Also poor Geoff being told to adlib and immediately having Grif start to tell Church "You're looking buff, man, have you been working--" and being immediately booed by everyone, and someone says they'll use it for an outtake and Geoff is like "It's funny! And I didn't even get to finish!" And everyone trying to figure out Tucker's sword and him accidentally killing everyone in various outtakes. And in the deleted scenes Tex keeps making fun of O'Malley's plans to rule the universe, haha. Also the deleted scene that's just another Simmons' self-insert fanfiction, just as a video instead of a fake game in the Fan Guide.

It also gave us character profiles! I'm sure a lot of this has since been contradicted in canon, but interesting that we got specific hometowns for a few people: Donut in Leggatt Plains, Iowa, which doesn't seem to be a real place; Moscow, Iowa for Sarge, which actually does; Tucker's from Detroit, and Delta Commune for Doc. Oh, is this where we get Caboose grew up on the moon, with his hometown being labeled as Low G Colony, Moon? And hey, I always had him be a middle child, I like that this one did too. Tex likes money and scars and dislikes Donut. Okay I know that's definitely not real, but the idea of Allison growing up in an orphanage hurts me a little. Okay, and I know for sure that Simmons would die of happiness at the fact that Sarge's likes are battles, fringe science, and Simmons. Lopez likes oil and unions, and hates capitalism. My kind of guy. Last but not least, I actually really like Simmons as the son of a bunch of right-hand stooges (who probably wanted power for themselves).

[adragonfromlyra]

The Purge, Week 1

What went?

Two pairs of shoes and three dishtowels went into to the clothes recycling bin from one of the op shops. I also put stuff online on ebay to sell.

Shoes #1 were of the “I have them because I have them and not because I like them”. My grandma gave them to me because when she had bought them for herself, they fit, but when she put them on at home, they didn’t. And because grandma is of the “never throw anything away”-generation, she tends to unload her clothes on me. Because a) I’m the only one whom they might fit and b) she still thinks of me as a poor, starving student or something.

Why did I accept them when she asked me whether I’d like them? Because it’s easier to just accept whatever she wants to give to me than to discuss with her why I don’t like it. She loves clothes shopping. She’s forever buying things for herself and everyone in the family. Sometimes, what she comes up with is awesome. Mostly? It’s not. I tried for years to make her understand my preferences in clothes - less “what all the young girls wear” and more “natural, comfy, makes me look good”. She never got it. Or never wanted to get it. I stopped caring at one point, since she never listened anyway. So when she gave me those shoes, I was like, “Yeah, okay, cool.” Thinking I might just drop them at the op shop.

Why I didn’t? Because, even though I didn’t like them, they were useful. Just shove your feet in, done. Perfect for taking the rubbish out in winter. Also, warm (because completely synthetic, and cheap synthetic). And because I inherited the “never throw anything away that fits/serves a purpose/is useful” from my grandparents via my parents - I didn’t give them away. Because useful. Not broken. Serve a purpose. Who cares that everytime I look at them, I think: I don’t really like you?

Uuuuugh.

Talk about self love.

Yeah. So: the shoes went. And because their cheap, synthetic soles had developed interesting holes, I dumped them in the recycling bin, instead of giving them to the op shop to sell.

Shoes #2 - the complete opposite of #1. My well-loved,well-worn winter shoes. I wore those shoes to my first job interview ever. The first time I wore them out of the shop. I got the job. Blamed it on the shoes. They were almost 20 years old. Had new soles at least three times. New laces even more often. Had to put insoles in about, uh, six, seven years ago, because the originals were worn to tatters. About two years ago, I noticed that one of the seams was coming apart. I thought, “Hmm, might need new winter shoes soon”, and then ignored it. Because I loved those shoes. They were comfy. Perfectly worn in. Timelessly elegant, could wear them everywhere, for all occasions. And apart from that one seam: tip top condition!

But yeah. That one seam. It was coming apart more and more. Until it was pretty visible. So I bought new winter shoes. Still couldn’t throw the old ones away. After twenty years ... yeah, the feeling really was like throwing a part of yourself away.

It’s weird, maybe, to become so attached. To a pair of shoes.

But of course they weren’t just a pair of shoes. They were twenty winters of my life. Letting that go wasn’t all that easy.

But they’re gone now. Into the rerycling bin. It’s time for them to go to shoe heaven and evolve into something new. :-)

Those three dishtowels? Well, there’s a story here, too. When I was about sixteen, my paternal grandmother started giving me bed linens and towels and pots for birthdays and Christmases. For my trousseau. If you’re sixteen or seventeen and you wanted a pile of books and your younger brother gets all kinds of cool stuff but you get a stack of dishtowels ... well. I was angry, I was disappointed. I felt slighted and left out and ignored. Angry again, because why did I get boring stuff just because I was a girl? So unfair!

So that reaction, way back then, coloured my relationship with all the things my grandmother gave my over the years.

Of course, when I left home to go to university, I was pretty damn glad I had all this stuff already! So useful! I didn’t have to buy cheap, second-hand stuff! All I had to do was get those boxes from the attic, run everything through the laundry, ta da!

But there was still, every time I used them, the memory of when I’d first got them. Plus, while they were useful and I came to be glad they were there: they weren’t what I had chosen. Yeah, sure, you can say it’s the height of luxury to complain you didn’t get to chose the design of your dishtowels. Other people would be glad to have them!

Yes, and that is exactly the kind of thinking that I have been living under for all my life. Be glad for what you have - whether you like it or not - because other people have less. Do you know how exhausting this constant, enforced gratitude can be? How heavy the guilt? Because there you are, you spoiled thing, complainging about dishtowels! When other people didn’t even have clothes!

We are still talking about three dishtowels, mind. Which went into the recycling bin because they were stained and the stains didn’t wash out anymore. Because I didn’t care for them, and so didn’t pay attention what I did with them, so they got stained. But then, who in their right mind uses white dishtowels?

Well, my paternal grandmother, appearantly.

And all this above? Yeah, that’s her. Oh, god, so much her. Don’t get me wrong, I know where she got it from. She was a child during WWII, a teenager during the years after, when the entire country was a giant pile of rubble and people literally had nothing. She would probably have liked books as well for birthdays and Christmases. But all she got was an orange. Or dishtowels. For her trousseau.

So, yeah, I get where it comes from. I’m just done with carrying this shit. It’s not mine.

Good to see that written down. It’s not mine.

I can let it go.

Besides. Times have changed. The Miracle of the Rhine, and all that. We’re now living in a society where we have more than we can ever possible need. And I am in the deeply privileged position - which I am fully, consciously aware of, thank you! - where I can actually throw three dishtowels away and buy new ones. Ones that I chose for myself. So why hang onto three dishtowels that, to me, are loaded with pain, misery, disappointment, feeling abandoned, heaviness, and guilt?

Self is Mission Head. Self decides which fucking dishtowels to use.

So those three went into the recycling bin as well.

WAHOO!!!!!

Purge, baby!

:D

After that, the things that I put online to sell are tame:

my beloved sheepskin (cries softly, but it must go)

my old winter eiderdown (finally found an allergy-friendly duvet that’s not polyester, whee!)

and my two leather coats (uuuugh, those are hard, especially the black one, the really cool one, damn, it hurts, but they need to go, I can’t wear them anymore)

Anyone reading this from the Cologne area interested in a really cool black leather jacket? Size S? Lemme now. :-)

So, overall, a really successfull first week.

Go me!