#w/c helps a lot (the past days has been terribly hot so yeah)

[gotchibam]

Espeon, Dusk Lycanroc, and Sylveon ko-fi doodle for Kaitlyn!

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[ptergwen]

web of lies

take a leap. if you start to fall, the net will appear to catch you.

photographer!peter x journalist!reader || masterlist

w/c: 7.1k

warnings: swearing, one drinking mention, descriptions of anxiety, and angst if ya squint

summary: peter can’t stop holding your hands, betty and ned are the modern day bonnie and clyde, ned is a terrible guy in the chair, the osborn’s are up to something, and mj hates you all

a/n: y’all i’m super excited about this series like i haven’t had an idea i’ve really loved in months? so it’s good to be back !!! there are tons of things i have planned and i can’t wait to share them with all of you hehe i really hope you enjoy part one <3 happy reading

to be honest, which is what you do best, you’ve had a thing for peter parker your whole time at the daily bugle. you actually almost told him once.

a couple months ago, peter walked you home on a night you worked overtime. he’d came in last minute to leave some pictures on your boss’s desk. no one else but you was there, hunched at your computer in the dim office lighting. peter was pleasantly surprised to see you, yet concerned for your well-being. you had to put your finishing touches on a story.

he didn’t feel comfortable letting you travel alone at that hour. so, he went with you when you were ready. his company was more than welcomed. you told peter about your article while you two sat on the subway. he’d listened intently, your head resting on his shoulder and his arm around you. he made sure you got to your apartment building alright as well.

“hey, peter?” you’d asked, halfway up the steps. he was waiting until you were inside and safe to leave. “hm? you good?” he’d smiled sort of expectantly. “yeah. i... i wanted to say...”

your words got caught in your throat when he gave you the softest puppy eyes you’ve ever seen. you couldn’t do it. for some reason, you were too scared to confess how you felt. “thanks again for walking me home,” you’d settled on. he’d seemed disappointed that was what you wanted to tell him. nevertheless, he said not to worry about it before taking off.

that one moment perfectly captures it all; how yours and peter’s narrative plays itself out.

—

“we’ve got an update on hydra v. the people!”

“those freaky giraffes escaped the zoo... again.”

“shoot one more spitball and it’ll be your last.”

“does anyone have an aspirin?”

welcome to the daily bugle, where the chaos never ends and the calm never starts. you’ll find new york’s finest writers, publishers, and creatives of all kind right here. that would include you. you’re one of the top journalists in the whole building, according to mr. norman osborn. he’s the brilliant and slightly insane man who runs this place.

although it’s rare for someone in your field, you were hired straight out of college. norman read a few pieces you’d written and loved them so much that he offered you a job. full time, full benefits, no questions asked. there was something special about the way you wove your words together. your writing had its own voice. a strong voice, one the paper was severely lacking.

you’ve been with the bugle for just over a year now. it’s not the quiet, nine to five gig you were initially expecting it to be. you’re each very unique individuals in your office, and there’s never a dull moment because of it. your coworkers can be found hosting debates on the riskiest topics or tackling each other for blueberry muffins, and that’s just a regular tuesday. the place is stranger than strange. but, it’s become home.

thanks to mr. osborn being so accommodating, you actually settled in rather quickly. another big help has been the friends you’ve made. your first was michelle jones, who prefers to be called mj. she’s a fellow journalist with a wickedly dark humor that trickles into her writing. if you had to describe her in one word, it would be blunt. mj is as real as it gets, and also eternally loyal. she keeps her circle small, so you’re honored you get to be in it.

mj sits right next to you, which means you’re always talking through your days. that’s due in part to the way your office is set up. there aren’t any cubicles, tables and swirly chairs taking up their space instead. norman heard it was more progressive, probably from his son harry.

harry is about your age, only a couple of years older. he hangs around quite a lot, but doesn’t do much with his time besides that. according to norman, he’s still seeking out his passion. he’s banking on him finding a suitable career at the bugle. he’d like to pass this all on to harry some day, hopefully sooner than later. either way, you don’t mind having harry here. he’s super funny and friendly with everyone.

there’s also ned leeds, who’s an editor and reviews most of your pieces. he’s sweeter than candy, even when he’s ripping your grammar to shreds. on the rare occasions you’re not discussing breaking news, you two talk about movies. ned is a film buff and gives you the best recommendations. you’re convinced he was a critic in his past life.

last but so from least is peter parker. he only works for the bugle part time, since he’s still in school. you both graduated from your respective colleges the same year. peter wants to get his masters degree, though. he’s a photographer who’s aspiring to be a cinematographer. him and ned have their passion for the industry in common, and that’s what makes them such great friends.

you learned this and more from the times you and peter have partnered up on stories. he’s one of your best friends not only at the bugle, but in your entire life. the many long nights you’ve spent collaborating have brought you close to each other. they consist of drinking and deep talks, along with some actual work. he takes the pictures, you do the writing. you’ve been told you make a lovely pair.

peter says it himself, too. you’d like to believe he means it as more than coworkers. he’s so caring, and smart, and pure, and peter. yeah, you like him an awful lot. you can hardly stand the feeling of it sometimes.

the fact that you you haven’t come clean already is ridiculous.

“goddamn. not again,” you mutter out. “em, you better come look at this. it’s bad.” mj wheels over to you in her chair with a puzzled look. her eyes follow yours, landing on your computer. “leeds just sent this? to everyone?” she questions, your reply a short hum. you’re both staring daggers at the email your screen displays.

ned is responsible for assigning each journalist their own topics to cover. he’s been lacking a bit recently, having you write up think pieces on fluffy things. in other words, stuff that no one cares about. he asked you to compare oat milk and almond milk just last week. you’d hoped this week would be better, but here you are.

“this is ass. who does he think we are, buzzfeed?” mj scoffs at her own words. the daily bugle prides itself on being a reliable news source, on paper and tv. you’re starting to stoop down to the low level of your competitors. “he assigned me some tiktok dance trend. i’m not writing a single word about that app.” she sets her elbows down on the table, head in her hands.

“aw, why not? grandma mj isn’t down with the kids?” you tease and click out of the upsetting email. “i don’t write for kids,” mj deadpans. she pushes her glasses up on her nose. “what’d you get?” “the evolution of memes,” you gloomily reply. you’re surprised norman has been approving these topics. then again, ned is the head editor. he can do whatever he wants regardless of approval.

mj glares over at the kitchen, where betty brant currently resides. she’s making two hot chocolates instead of her usual one. “i blame her,” mj mumbles to you. your eyebrows furrow. “dude, what? betty is an angel. she doesn’t even work in editing.” betty is the bugle’s highest rated anchorwoman. her and her news team are on people’s televisions every night.

“no, but she has been spending a generous amount of time with leeds,” mj grumbles. she’s admittedly very nosy. the upside is that she tells you any juicy office drama there is. “my theory is betty’s making him give us crap stories so she can report the good ones.” she glances over at you to see what you think. “no way. that can’t be allowed... or legal,” you laugh back.

as if on cue, ned appears next to betty in the kitchen. he takes the extra hot coco that’s piled high with whipped cream. betty tucks a sheet of paper into his suit pocket and kisses his cheek, then he’s gone. you can only gasp as you watch this unfold. what has she done to poor, clueless ned?

“not such an angel anymore, huh?” mj smirks in satisfaction. “suddenly, she has red horns and a pitchfork,” you bitterly agree with your tongue in your cheek. betty waves to you two on her way back to broadcasting. mj gives her a fake nice finger wave, you ignoring her. “we can’t sit back and let this happen, em. we have to do something,” you decide. “let’s tell norman.”

uninterested, mj takes off her glasses and starts to clean them. “like he’ll believe us. yeah, golden girl betty brant is sabotaging the writer’s room,” she rewords her previous statement to put its stupidity in perspective. you throw your hands up. “she is, though! we literally watched it happen!” mj puts her freshly wiped glasses back on and sighs.

“i doubt norman would care, y/n. every newspaper to ever exist is corrupt somehow.” your pessimistic old pal has a point. however, you’re not so willing to accept it. “why can’t we be the first one that isn’t?” you offer a small smile. mj snickers, wheeling back to her own computer. “those are words of the innocent.” she’s already tapping her fingers across the keyboard.

“i thought you weren’t doing the tiktok piece,” you say under your breath. you’re slightly pissed mj turned you down, since she’s the reason you know about betty’s meddling. “i’m not,” mj answers sharply. “i’m gonna email quentin and ask if we can change our topics. happy?” quentin beck is another editor in the building. he’s not bad, but he is intimidating. no one typically goes to him as their first option.

“i’m thrilled,” you confirm and grin at mj to emphasize it. “thanks for stepping up. you’re forgiven.” “i didn’t realize i had to be sorry,” mj notes, this time in a playful manor. she shakes her head as she begins writing. “you and your morals.”

what you value most in your career is honesty, under any circumstances. of course, the other daily bugle writers are the same. norman strictly prohibits clickbait and crazy headlines because that isn’t real news. you leave that to companies like buzzfeed. you’re honest in the sense that you say whatever has to be said, what everyone else is too afraid to. you’ll speak your truth no matter who tries to stop you.

it didn’t used to be that way. there’s some childhood trauma that remains deep in the back of your mind. you’ve left that behind you now, having over a decade to cope with it. hey, they say the past is in the past. what’s important is your takeaway, that you would never let yourself or anyone else be silenced from there on out. never again.

quentin ends up giving you the okay to write different stories. he lets you and mj choose choose your own because he’s got “better things to do” and you’re “big girls.” what a peach he is. mj goes with how capitalism is continuing to provoke global warming. she has something to say about every major world issue, and you admire the hell out of her for it.

you’re a bit stuck when it’s time to write your article. it’s terribly ironic because you pushed for this. you aren’t too worried, though. the city is crawling with material, so you’ll find what you’re looking for eventually. lucky for you, some much needed inspiration comes skipping out of the elevator.

“morning, peter,” you hear liz greet him at the front desk. she’s your floor’s receptionist. her wisdom and patience keep this place going. “hi, liz. how’s it going?” he asks. “things have been quiet... mostly. can i do anything for you?” liz peers up at him. peter sports a shy smile. “uh, yeah. mr. osborn wanted to see me?” “right. hang on.” she nods, dialing his office phone number.

it’s endearing how peter calls him mr. osborn, seeing as the rest of you go with norman. he’s probably the politest guy you’ve ever met.

grinning, liz puts down the phone. “you can go in whenever you’re ready. good luck!” peter laughs nervously and turns to leave. “thanks, you too.” his face falls when he realizes his mistake. “wait, i- i didn’t mean to say that. that was stupid. you’re not-“ “it’s fine, peter,” liz reassures him. his anxiety makes him trip over his words sometimes. that, and he’s a bit dorky in general. you find it rather adorable.

you also wonder what exactly he needs good luck for. he’s not even supposed to be working today, so your curiosity as to what’s going on has been piqued.

“um, i’m gonna go now. bye!” peter rushes off, his face tinted pink from the embarrassing encounter. you’re hoping he’ll stop and talk with you for a little while, but he heads straight to norman’s office. your whole body deflates at that. mj notices from her peripherals.

“what’s the matter? missing your hubby?” she coos, her words dripping in sarcasm. “no,” you lie. “i’m... i don’t know what to write about.” ok, there’s some truth. mj gives you a couple pats on the shoulder. “ask parker for help. you two work... well together. don’t you?” this must be the zillionth time you’ve heard that.

“we do,” you murmur and glance at norman’s closed door. peter is hidden behind it. “i just don’t wanna bug him. he has finals soon, and whatever norman is putting him up to. it’s my job, anyway.” mj pokes your arm. ���those sound like excuses to me,” she concludes, still jabbing at you childishly. “you really just don’t wanna tell him you like-“

“can you keep it down?” you hiss, yanking your arm back. “he’s literally right over there.” peter stands up and shakes norman’s hand. you catch it through the blinds on his window. “y/n, you were drooling over his mere presence only minutes ago,” mj prefaces, a smile pulling at her lips. “you can handle three little words. i like you, that’s it. spit it out already.”

you’ll never admit this to mj, but she’s right. you lost your momentum after your first failed attempt to say the three little words. you’re still not sure what stopped you. you’d shared the details of that faithful night with her, and she’s been pushing you to try again since.

the door to norman’s office opens, and out walks peter. he’s beaming after their conversation, which seems like a good sign. harry passes peter on his way in to pay his dad a visit. he claps him on the shoulder, peter happily accepting before continuing his stride back into the main office. it takes a moment to register that he’s coming towards you.

you quickly set your focus back on your computer so he doesn’t think you’ve been watching him. even though, you definitely have.

“y/n!” peter calls your name. he’s on the opposite side of your table, in front of you. “peter!” you match his tone. “i was just dropping by. i thought i’d say hey while i’m here.” he’s still grinning. “what’re you doing?” he looks cute as ever in an oversized and cream colored sweater. his curls are slicked back with a tad too much product, cheeks rosy. you gaze up at him when he rests his arms on the table.

“pretending to be productive,” mj answers for you, pressing her lips together. peter cocks his head to the side. “pretending?” “ignore her. she’s being a shit stirrer today,” you explain. “like every other day,” he jokes, earning a laugh from you. mj just tuts and keeps writing. “talk about me like i’m not here,” she mumbles to herself, then gets back into her article.

“anyways, i thought you didn’t work today?” you ask to take the attention off yourself. also, because you’re curious. “oh! get this.” peter perks up even more, if that’s possible. he has energy like no other. “you know alex in broadcasting? betty’s camera guy?” “what about him?” you wonder. “he called in sick earlier this morning, with the flu or something.” he’s oddly excited to announce this. that prompts you to make a funny face.

biting back another smile, peter elaborates. “mr. osborn needed someone to fill in for him, so he picked me. i’ll be here all week.” it makes sense, since peter knows how to work a camera and does so wonderfully. you give him a celebratory push at his chest. “peter, that’s amazing! this is the perfect way to transition from pictures to film, right?” he’s nearing his finals at school, which consist of more movie-like projects. the news will be great practice.

then, he’s off to hollywood. you’ll put that out of your mind for now.

“exactly! i think it’ll be a good place to start. the pay isn’t bad either.” peter wiggles his eyebrows at you, you giggling once again. you do a lot of that when he’s around. that’s going to be more often now. “plus, i get to see you. everyone wins.” he squeezes your hand that was just on him. your heart begins to thump. “except alex,” you challenge, playing with his fingers. “but, for real. i’m happy you get to do this and that we’ll be spending more time together.”

“thanks, y/n/n. me too.” peter grins and leans over, taking a peek at your computer screen. there’s a blank word document on it. “you never told me what you’re up to,” he chuckles. “guess mj was right... nothing.” “i’m always right,” she chimes in from next to you. you look between the two of them with a scowl. “i haven’t found my story yet. i don’t know, this never happens.” peter nods as you share your dilemma. “no good ideas are coming to me,” you murmur.

“they will. you have a way of attracting things.” he licks his lower lip, your heart completely stopping this time. “well, i gotta go set up for rise and shine with betty brant.” he waves his hand like he’s presenting his words. that’s what betty calls her morning news segment. “be careful with her. she’s being really sketchy these days,” you warn peter, mj grunting in agreement.

confused, peter purses his lips. “really? ned says she’s a sweetheart. they’ve been going out for a while.” mj pops her head up and adjusts her glasses. “did ned also tell you she’s bribing him to give her all of our scoops?” she’s asking rhetorically because she already knows the answer. of course he didn’t. “it’s one thing to not like her. you’re just making things up now,” peter huffs.

mj kicks your foot under the table. “i told you no one would believe us. not even peter gullible parker.” “it’s benjamin,” he corrects her. “whatever,” she brushes it off, resuming her work.

peter does tend to be sort of naive, to only see the good in things when there’s plenty of bad. you’re the same in that way, unless you hang around mj for too long.

“is that true? betty’s stealing your stories?” peter turns to you and asks. you gesture to your screen. “i don’t have one, so you do the math.” he hums sympathetically. he’ll listen to you, never mj. “i’m sorry. thanks for telling me, y/n. i’ll watch out for her.” he bends his fingers to look like goggles, putting them around his eyes. you sigh lightheartedly.

“are you twenty two years old or twelve?” mj remarks, but not without a comeback from peter. “you’re, like, eighty five. worry about that.” they’ve had this type of banter for as long as you’ve known them. it’s equal parts amusing and exhausting. “don’t be late on your first day.” you snap peter out of it with a knowing smile. he returns it.

“i hope something crazy happens so you can write about it.” he’s walking backwards now, towards the elevator. “see you later, pete,” is all you say back, yet another laugh threatening to escape you. “see you. bye, michelle,” peter says just to bug her. “it’s mj,” she groans without looking up. he shrugs. “not so fun, is it?”

after peter is gone, you try to get back into work. or rather, you try to start your work. what he said about you having a way of attracting things keeps ringing in your head. was he flirting? no, he couldn’t have been. peter parker doesn’t flirt. words aren’t his strong suit, and you have countless memories that prove this to be true. earlier with liz, for example.

you’re probably reading way into this. peter was simply doing what any good friend would do and gave you advice.

it’s late in the afternoon when anything worth mentioning happens again. peter is still with betty, as far as you know. they’re probably preparing for the nighttime news now. all you’ve done since seeing him is nibble on snacks and bug mj, who’s almost done with her story despite your distractions. this is really bad, considering your deadline to submit is at the end of today.

you’ve never missed a deadline.

mj emails her work to quentin while you repeatedly bang your head on the table. she hits send before deciding to entertain you. “whatcha doing over there?” she cautiously prompts, powering off her computer. “trying to get an idea. i’m desperate, if you couldn’t tell.” your voice is muffled. “i could.” mj grabs your shoulders and pulls you back so you’re sitting up. you childishly pout.

“y/n, the only thing that’s gonna give you is brain damage,” mj says sternly, then softens her tone. “why don’t you ask for an extension? norman gives me them all the time.” whining, you slump down in your chair again. “yeah, but you’re you! we do things differently, have different expectations put on us.” she’s back to cold mj after you say that. “alright. at least i did something today besides pine over that little-“

mj’s insult for peter is interrupted by harry. “ladies, what’s shaking?” he comes up to you two with a the hint of smirk on his face. you manage a nod to acknowledge him. “oh, hey... harry,” mj unenthusiastically replies. she’s the one person who isn’t really a fan of him. “not much. y/n was just having a tantrum.” “she was not,” you dismiss her. “it’s work stuff. you know your dad.”

harry clicks his tongue in a teasing way. “yep, the grind never stops in this joint. boss man is...” he does the sign for cuckoo with his finger. you laugh a little at that. “in a good way,” you add on. mj only watches you two, blinking blankly. harry gives you a definitive pat on the back. “before i forget, he wants to see you.” that gets mj talking. “norman?” she questions. “your dad?” you choke out at the same time.

“who else? he said you two have to talk.” harry flashes you a weary smile. “have fun in there, old sport.” you’re too busy biting the skin off your bottom lip to respond. “mhm... she will,” mj speaks on your behalf. even she sounds worried. saluting you both, harry leaves to go pester your other colleagues. you’re completely and totally fucked.

“that’s it for me!” you grin sarcastically, freaked out by harry. “i’m fired, aren’t i? i’m definitely about to get fired, and it’s all because-“ “relax!” mj cuts off your rambling. she reaches down and grasps at your wrists. “get it together, y/l/n. you’re the best we have, okay? you aren’t going anywhere.” your grin becomes a frown. “then why does norman wanna talk to me? and, why don’t i have a story?”

mj always has the answers, but this time is the execption. she lets out a breath. “i don’t know. you’ll go find out and tell me what happens.” there’s no use protesting. you’re going to have to face whatever you’re about to at some point. “ok,” you give in, defeated. “i’ll be back soon, i hope.”

the walk to norman’s office feels like a walk of shame. mj can do nothing but sit back and observe it. if this ends the way you think it will, you’ll be collecting your things and won’t ever return. norman is a kind man, and he’s usually pretty understanding. he doesn’t mind the workplace shenanigans as long as you get your job done. unfortunately, you haven’t today.

you hear your boss’s booming voice when you approach his door. inhaling deep, you knock on it, and the room goes silent. “come in,” norman responds after a few seconds. mustering up a smile, you open the door to be met with your doom. “hi, am i interrupting something?” you check. “not at all! you’re just the person i wanted to see. sit, sit,” he beckons you over. he’s not using his angry voice, so maybe you’re in the clear. you enter the room as told.

you’re shocked to see a terrified peter is already in one of the chairs. he visibly relaxes a bit now that you’re here. what the hell is happening? whatever you were expecting, this was the last thing.

taking the armchair next to peter, you sit facing norman’s desk. you nudge his arm to get his attention. his big brown eyes lock with yours. “what’s going on?” you whisper. “no idea,” peter whispers back. the two of you turn to norman again when he claps his hands. he’s plopped down into his cushy leather seat.

“so,” he begins, gaze flicking from peter to you. “you kids know why you’re here?” “is it because i missed my deadline?” you blurt out. you’re once again a nervous wreck. peter doesn’t speak, just winces. “not that. although, i did hear from ned that you turned down his assignment.” norman flicks at a post-it on his desk. “i asked quentin for one instead. me and mj,” you explain, peter’s eyes going wide.

“you talked to quentin? that guy’s bad news,” he murmurs to you. “how so?” norman questions, since it’s his employee. “he- he, um,” peter clears his throat before answering, “he’s super critical, you know? hates all my pictures.” “i love your pictures,” you assure him, the corners of his lips turning up. “your style is so cool. yeah, though. quentin’s pretty bitter.”

considering this, norman drums his fingers on the desk. “i’ll look into that. but, that isn’t why you’re here. i’m letting you off the hook this time.” your whole demeanor changes and a huge weight lifts off of you. “really? you are?” “i have a scoop of my own that i want you to cover,” he continues, peter bumping your knee happily. a toothy grin takes over your face.

“since peter will be sticking around for a while, i want him to join you.” norman waits a beat in case you have any questions. it’s been a minute since you last worked together. peter laughs in disbelief. “you want me to take over for alex and do this?” norman nods proudly. “y/n will need the extra hands, if you have them.” “yes, sir. i do,” peter immediately confirms. “my last class is next thursday, so i have the time.”

“wait, so you’re almost done? that’s awesome!” you bump peter’s knee this time. “yup, all that’s left is finals... and studying.” he mindlessly takes your hand, lacing your fingers together. you’re enjoying his gentle touches. “thank you so much, norman. seriously, i appreciate this a lot,” you tell him and mean it. “hey, no problem,” he chuckles at your eagerness. you grip peter’s hand tighter.

“what’s the story?” “ah, yes. the most important part,” norman starts, peter sharing an excited look with you. “how familiar are you two with spider-man?” his excitement fades at the question posed. it’s unbeknownst to you, caught up in the moment. “uh, same as everyone else, i guess,” you casually reply. “how come?” “he’s your subject.” norman points at you both. “you’re gonna study him over these next few months.”

peter’s hand goes limp in yours, and he gulps hard, throat feeling dry. “you mean, like, an exposé?” “no, no. there will be no exposing,” norman clarifies. “i’m sure he wears the mask for a reason.” that settles peter only slightly. you’re not sure why he’s so tense all of a sudden. “what’s our aim here, then?” you steer the conversation.

“see what new york’s favorite hero gets up to every day, how his life is beyond the crime fighting,” norman further describes your task. peter exhales a shaky breath, shifting away from you in his seat. the golden sun hits his face and reveals a bead of sweat dripping down it. you stare at his figure in worry. “you okay, peter?” “fine. i’m just... hot,” he murmurs back. his sweater does look pretty heavy, so you concede.

getting back to norman’s story, you grimace at the idea. “do you really think people will want to read that? for lack of a better term, it sounds kind of...” you pause. “basic.” “i thought the same thing at first,” he surprisingly agrees with you. “harry pitched the idea to me this morning. you won’t believe it! the other night, he caught spider-man hanging outside his window.”

“harry... harry saw him?” peter squeaks out. he uses the wool material that feels like it’s swallowing him to dab at his forehead. “he stopped on his balcony. must have been pretty late, the kid’s a night owl,” norman says about his son. your face lights up as you listen to him. “he took some shots of spidey in action, when he swung off. i saw a few. they were pretty great.” he’s grinning at his son’s success.

“maybe he’ll get into photography with you, pete,” norman suggests. peter gives him a weak smile in return. “we’d be happy to have him.” he usually has a lot more to say about his career than that. his behavior is starting to genuinely concern you. “anyway,” norman gets back on topic, “it got me thinking. how much do we really know about this guy? we’re supposed to blindly put our trust in him?”

you’re beginning to see the appeal now. you’ve written your share of pieces on the avengers and their methods, tackling the same questions norman just asked you. spider-man shouldn’t be overlooked, especially when he operates so close to your home. this could be another revolutionary superhero story in the making. and, you get to bring peter along for the ride.

“you know what? this has a lot of potential,” you smile at norman, then peter. he has his phone in his lap, fingers flying across the screen. it must be something important. you’ll discuss with norman while he takes care of that. “we could make it a weekly thing, about spider-man’s adventures. find out what we can about the man behind the mask...” peter shoots up in his seat. “without taking it off,” you finish, putting his mind at ease.

“see, i knew you were gonna love it! it was a blessing in disguise, you missing that deadline.” norman bangs his fist on the table with a hearty laugh. “what do you say, peter? you still in?” peter slips his phone back in his pocket. his tongue pokes out to wet his lips. “oh, of course. i can’t wait to work with you, y/n/n,” he speaks in a monotone voice, adding on, “again.”

something is definitely bothering him, and it isn’t the weather.

“i gotta go. betty needs me upstairs, so,” peter moves to get up, his body stiff. you assume that’s who he was texting. “thank you again, mr. osborn.” he’s rushing out of the room just like that, until you call after him. “um, don’t you wanna set a time to meet up? so we can get started?” you reasonably ask. “i... i really gotta go. find me later,” peter tells you, giving you both a tight lipped smile and running off.

“the dynamic duo is back!” norman announces to you. you’re disappointed you can’t share that sentiment with peter.

he’s absolutely booking it down the stairs, not bothering to wait for the next elevator. this is bad. this is a nightmare.

peter went from having one of his best days in a while to the worst in not even a full round of work. today started off fine, and got better when norman promoted him. it got way better when you came along. he saw your smile that makes his insides tingle, heard your laugh that’s the prettiest sound to grace his ears, held your hand that he never wants let go.

things went a bit downhill after that. betty was pushy and yelled at him a lot, demanding he only film her good angles for the segment. you and mj weren’t wrong when you told him to be careful.

later on when he saw you again, everything was okay. he was physically shaking as brad told him mr. osborn requested to see him. brad is mr. osborn’s assistant. a try-hard for sure, but good at his job. why did mr. osborn call him in? did betty complain already?

they’d been sitting in mostly silence, save for small talk until you came knocking on the door. simply being next to you was enough to ground peter and his racing thoughts. it was enough, then it wasn’t.

the whole day had gone to shit after he found out you were going to be writing stories about his alter ego. not only that, but he was helping. during the pitch, he’d texted ned to meet him in the bathroom. he was really anxious and needed a friend who understood why.

ned accidentally found out peter is spider-man last year. it’s a long story that involves peter hiding from some bad guys in the building and ned shrieking so loud the lights flickered. they’re cool now that peter talked things through with him. his secret has been kept, from what he knows.

pushing open the men’s bathroom door, peter is a mixture of sweat and ragged breaths. he’s panting from his fast descent down the staircase. he takes in his disheveled appearance using one of the mirrors. his styled hair is now damp and undone, hands trembling and palms sweaty, chest heaving. here’s his daily reminder that anxiety is not cute. as if he didn’t know.

his stupid, gigantic freaking sweater is only making things worse. it’s suffocating him. no one else is in here, so peter pulls it over his head and tosses it to the ground. he’s got a t-shirt on underneath that happens to be black. what a convenient day for him to wear the hottest material there is.

peter splashes his face with some cold water next to try and cool himself down. that doesn’t do much for him. his face still feels like it’s on fire, but now it’s wet. he takes his hands through his mop of curls, backing away from the sink.

“fuck. fuck, fuck, fuck,” peter repeats to himself. he’s silent for a moment, then rage overcomes him. he kicks open a bathroom stall. “shit! i can’t do this. what am i supposed to-“

the door creeks open, so peter shuts up in case it isn’t ned. it thankfully is, and he wears a deep frown at the sight of his best friend. “dude, what happened? you look...” “terrible. i know,” peter finishes for him. he tugs at his locks in another attempt to tame them. ned approaches him carefully. “you’re not, like, dying... are you? because betty was telling me you have to-“ “of course you were with betty,” peter exhales in frustration. “no, ned. i’m not dying.”

in ned’s defense, the text he received was very alarming. all peter wrote was, ‘EMERGENCY. SOS.’

“i mean, yeah. it was my break.” ned sits on the ledge by the window, close to peter. “you do the same with y/n.” the mention of your name upsets peter all over again. he hides his face in his hands as ned watches. “if you’re not dying, then what’s the problem?” ned finally asks. “me and y/n...” peter removes his hands from his face, meeting ned’s worried eyes. “mr. osborn wants us to do a project together.”

“uh, peter? you’ve been saying how much you miss her forever, dude! you’re not excited?” ned snorts at him. he means well, but he has no clue what he’s talking about. “no. it’s supposed to be about spider-man,” peter answers angrily. this isn’t the support he was hoping for. realizing the severity of the situation, ned gets serious.

“oh... but, you’re still doing it?” he questions. “i didn’t have a choice,” peter scoffs out. “i can’t let either of them down.” “you’ll expose yourself!” ned escalates things further. “it’s not like that. we’re gonna follow spider-man around and post updates on him,” peter says, technically in the third person. he’s given an are you insane? look from ned.

“you are spider-man! and, no offense, but you’re not so good at hiding it,” ned refers to himself finding out. “how are you gonna be in two places at once?” damnit, peter hadn’t thought about that yet. he can’t be taking pictures of spider-man and swinging from building to building simultaneously. “i- i’ll figure it out,” peter stammers, unconvincingly.

ned looks him over in a disapproving way. “jeez. you’re really putting your life on the line for this girl-“ “woman,” peter interjects, not loving ned’s attitude towards you. “have some respect.” unfazed, ned gets up from the windowsill. “speaking of women, remember betty? you’re still on the clock,” he changes the subject. peter nearly forgot he has to go film her segment.

“i’ll head up to her now,” peter gives in. he scoops up his discarded sweater, not bothering to check his appearance again. ned follows behind him to the door. “we wrote her script together, you know,” he gladly informs peter, who already knows from you. “not really a flex,” peter mumbles his response. “peter, lighten up.” ned hits at his shoulder. the two of them exit the bathroom.

“you’ll figure this out later. i can always help.” he shoots him a sugary sweet smile. “thanks, ned. for talking with me and everything.” peter doesn’t smile back. they do a quick bro handshake, then they’re going their separate ways. “have a good show, dude!” ned yells back, to which he doesn’t get a response. peter doesn’t have it in him.

he allows himself to take the elevator back up to broadcasting. he’s so drained from the several anxiety attacks he endured. while peter waists for the elevator, he contemplates all the issues he’d better solve. it’s a relief to hear it ding because it brings him back to earth. that doesn’t last long because both you and betty are there when the door opens.

you’d each had the same idea, to find peter. unlike betty, your intentions were good. you asked liz if she saw peter leave. she told you he went downstairs, so you did also. betty was already in the elevator when it got to your stop. she was looking for him because, you guessed it, he had to record the news. the small space was filled with tension as you and betty occupied it.

“perfect. we’re going right back up,” betty beams, motioning for peter with her index finger. “hop in!” “coming,” peter does as told, going to stand between you and betty. she presses the button for your floor and theirs. the doors close. “pete?” you speak up, voice soft. “you kinda ran off earlier. i thought you were with betty.” “clearly, he wasn’t,” betty sneers.

you’re less concerned with her and more with peter. the sweater he looked so huggable in is now folded in his arms, his face splotchy and jaw clenched. he must have gotten triggered by something back in norman’s office.

“are you sure you’re okay? you... you can talk to me about it.” you take a step closer to peter, your doe eyes searching for his. he meets them with a tiny smile. at least, it’s real this time. “i’ll be fine, y/n/n. ‘s nice that you came to check on me, though.” “don’t mention it.” your arms loop around his neck and bring him into a hug. peter hugs you back by your middle, chin resting on your shoulder, breathing out in relief.

you keep your hands on his shoulders when you pull back. his stay on your sides, a lopsided grin now crossing his features. “spider-man...” you quirk an eyebrow. “how are you feeling about that?” “should be cool,” peter somehow maintains himself. “i’m mostly looking forward to doing it with you.”

listening in, betty joins the conversation. “what’s happening with spider-man? anything i should know?” her hand reaches into her bag and emerges with a notepad. does she ever think of her own content? “she’s nothing if not persistent,” you grumble to peter. chuckling, he pulls you into his chest. if he didn’t hold you back, you would’ve pounced on her.

“we’re gonna do a piece on him,” peter tells her. “you can’t copy or steal this one because it’s already been approved,” you contribute, smiling smugly as peter holds you tighter. betty is taken aback. “are you accusing me of stealing? who said i-“ “ned ratted on you... sorry,” peter says in a sing song voice. squealing, you jump away from him. “he did? we were right?”

“mj’s never wrong,” he reiterates. “mj knew about this? oh my god, i can’t believe her!” betty stomps her foot. “we got you on candid camera.” you make a clicking noise with your mouth. peter mimes taking a picture to back you up. “alright, alright. i won’t do it again,” betty mumbles, turning away from you two in annoyance.

“finally!” you hold up your hand for a high five, which peter gives you. “we really do make the best team,” he hums. your fingers intertwine with peter’s, and he lays his palm flat against yours. he prays extremely hard you don’t notice that it’s sweaty. you do, but you couldn’t care less.

“i was wondering when you’d wanna start our... research?” peter asks you, his lip between his teeth. “you were saying something earlier. maybe we could make a schedule.” “how elaborate of us that would be,” you tease. that earns a breathy laugh from peter. with a knowing smile, you put your free hand back on his shoulder.

“what are you doing tonight?”

-

peter parker taglist

@saturnpeter @tpwk-grande @itstaskeen @missyouhollnd @becicamina @dummiesshort @zspideyy @watchitimreadinghere @my-patronus-is-mabel-pines @dpaccione @karispotters11 @theofficialzivadavid @thehumanistsdiary @kelieah @aayaissaa @petersgroupie @annab-nana @tayyx @swtltlmrvlgrl @magicalxdaydream @haoluvver @kjune113 @captainamirica @marvel-dork98 @emmastarz @killingbxys @viriditie @misshale21 @veryholland @liliswifts @tommydarlings @rebelemilu @peterspideysense @cr-uelsummer @dreamy-clousds @quaksonhehe @quxxnxfhxll @blackbat2020 @babyblue19 @falconxbarnes @zachary-s @dirtytissuebox @dracoswhore007 @heavenlyholland @thsquad @etheralholland @dhtomholland @awh-lilies @tomshufflepuff @multifamdomfan12

-

if i forgot you please lmk!

[strawbunniiee]

A Girl and a Ghost Ch 5. Precious Rose

SOOOO this one is a bit lengthy!! there’s a bit of blood, a lil language, so fair warning! oh yeah and HEHEHE SPOILER ALERT THERE’S SOME TASTY PHANTOMEACH MWAHAHAHHAA

i had a LOT of fun writing the phantom and peach fluff hehehe ;)

dont worry!! this definitely won’t be the last chapter either, there’s still gonna be more of my cheesy fic sjfndkfd

hope you enjoy!! @salamifuposey @monsterbride99 just letting these lovely hooman beans know that this chapter exists!!

Jawaii had her arms raised, ready to slice King Boo to ribbons, but the king blasted her back into a wall.

Jawaii had the wind knocked out of her lungs as she slid to the floor.

Phantom rushed to Jawaii's side, picking up her petite body. His eyes became a deep, dark blood red as he shot a murderous glare at King Boo.

"She didn't even stand a chance." he smirked.

Phantom charged a blast of blue fire in his palm. "DIE!" he screamed, hurling it at the king with all of his might.

He had attempted to avoid it, but he wasn't fast enough. The ball engulfed him in flames as he screamed.

The king flung a fireball from his cracked crown, but due to his crown being damaged, it spiraled out of control, which hit Phantom in the process but also set the attic ablaze. He gasped and grabbed Peach's body.

Jawaii regained her breath and jumped off of Phantom.

"JAWAII, NO!"

She didn't listen, instead she ran to King Boo and aimed to tackle him. She phased right through him and onto the floor. This just made him guffaw.

"YOU IDIOT! OH, YOU MORONS JUST MAKE ME LAUGH!"

Phantom began to inhale, gathering air in his body to let out the loudest, most powerful opera scream he had ever sung.

King Boo saw this as an opportunity to take Peach back from Phantom. The ghost Rabbid glanced over at Jawaii in panic, as if begging her to do something.

Jawaii leaped up while the king was distracted and stabbed him, taking great effort to make it as painful as possible for him. It cut open his skin, creating a massive gash on the side of his face, bleeding out a strange blood-like substance, perhaps ectoplasm.

The king let out a monstrous howl as he fell over onto the floor screaming, his hands over the gash.

Then, Phantom finally let out his scream, after inhaling so much air he felt like he was about to explode. It was a force so strong, so powerful that it blew a massive hole in the attic, blowing the bleeding king far away, all the way to the swamps in Spooky Trails.

Both of their ears rung from the noise.

Peach began to slowly wake up. Phantom picked up Jawaii and burst out of the hole in the manor, taking the three of them away.

———

Peach screamed when she fully woke up.

"Wh-where am I? Who are you? ...Oh. Mr. Tom?... what happened?" the princess sputtered out, deeply confused by what was happening. "All I remember is... King Boo taking me away, and then... nothing. And... who's the little girl?"

Phantom's face turned red and his eyes widened as he shyly looked away, blushing. "Ah, w-well... Princess, it's a rather complicated st-story, you see,—"

"Phantom, why don't you and I tell her what happened together? Maybe it'll be a lot easier that way!" Jawaii chimed in cheerfully.

Phantom smiled at Jawaii. "I suppose you're quite right!"

The two happily retold Peach everything that had happened, complete with how the two became friends, their adventure in Spooky Trails, leading all the way up to them rescuing her from King Boo.

"Oh my goodness, what a story! It sounds very scary but exciting at the same time! I'm glad that you're safe and sound, though!" beamed Peach.

Phantom blushed yet again. "Oh, why thank you dear Princess! I'm quite happy you went on unscathed as well."

"Hang on a sec, you know this lady Phantom? She seems very nice!" asked Jawaii.

"O-oh, yes yes! I do know her. We're, erm, friends." Phantom said quickly.

Jawaii squinted suspiciously at him. "You seem super awkward in front of her. Do you have a crush on her or somethin'?"

Phantom's face was a bright red tomato at this point. "N-no, that's preposterous, o-of course not! Why, no male and female can be t-together without people believing that they are lovers!"

Peach giggled a bit. Jawaii grinned mischievously.

"You know, Jawaii has a point. Do you have a crush on me..?" asked Peach.

"...N-no, it's just hot out here. I act a b-bit strangely when it's scorching hot like this!" It was actually quite cold that morning, contrary to Phantom's statement. "Oh, and would you look at th-that, we're here already!"

They had made it to the silent castle in the early hours of the morning. The sun had not even come up yet, still pitch black and silent. Phantom set Peach and Jawaii down gently.

"...Thank you so much for saving me from King Boo, Tom." Peach gave Phantom a gentle kiss on the cheek. His face violently blushed as he had a look of sheer surprise on his face, his jaw hanging open. Jawaii couldn't help but snicker at the look on Phantom's face.

"I... oh my! I wasn't e-expecting that, my princess." Phantom stammered.

Peach simply just smiled. "Would you like me to get you a room to stay in for the rest of the night? You two must be very exhausted after your dangerous adventure together!"

"That would be very much appreciated!"

"Oh... Jawaii? Should I tell your parents where you are...?" asked Peach, concerned.

Oh crud, I totally FORGOT about that. thought Jawaii.

"Uhhhhh... I'm sure they're fine! I'll just come back when the sun's up!"

"All right, then. I'll be right back in just a moment!" Peach walked off.

Phantom went silent.

"Hey uh... now that she isn't here... do you actually have a crush on her?" asked Jawaii.

Phantom looked around and whispered in Jawaii's ear. "To be completely honest, yes. I do. She's the most beautiful, kind woman I have ever met... and thanks to King Boo bringing back the memories of my past life, I know that I had spent my past life attempting to get her to notice me. But it had resulted in my demise."

"First of all, and I mean this in the nicest way possible, no shit Sherlock, for a theater nerd you're a TERRIBLE liar y'know." she teased lightheartedly. "Second of all, ouch... that really sucks. But hey! In this life you befriended her!"

Phantom sighed. "I wish so dearly that we could be together. I tried so hard in my past life, I sacrificed so much to get her to notice me... but that red capped demon had gotten in the way countless times. And worst of all... he and Peach are together."

Phantom began to softly sob, his hands over his face in despair. Jawaii slowly walked over and gave him a hug.

"Aw... I'm so sorry about that... But my mom says it's not good to bottle up emotions. Maybe you should tell her how you feel..?" she suggested.

Phantom just stared in silence for a few moments before he finally responded. "...Perhaps."

"Maybe I could help you with it!"

"...No, i-it's best for me to simply just... tell her. I've known her for quite a while now, but I've mostly been too nervous to do as much as speak to her."

Jawaii hugged him again, even tighter than the last time. "I'm here for you, best friend." she smiled.

Phantom hugged back. "...Thank you, Jawaii."

After a few minutes, Peach came back in to tell them that their room was ready.

"Sorry about the wait! We had a few issues... come on in, it's much comfier in here than it is out there. It's so cold out." she said.

"Oh! You're all right, Princess."

Peach escorted the two into the castle and into their room. Just like outside, the castle was very dark. It had little to no light other than the light of the stars and moon softly shining through the windows.

When they arrived, Peach opened the door. The room was very tidy and had very expensive looking furnishings, and two extremely fluffy beds with plentiful amounts of pillows and blankets. Jawaii gasped and immediately began to jump on the bed. Phantom and Peach laughed a bit at Jawaii's antics.

"Well, sweet dreams you two. You both deserve it after the adventure you've had tonight! And thank you both again for saving me... that was such a terrifying experience. No matter how many times I get kidnapped, it's always so scary."

She smiled and blew them both kisses. Phantom blushed.

"Ah... you're welcome, Peach. Bonne nuit."

Peach smiled and closed the door. She went back off to bed happily.

"What the shit did you say to her? Bun... bon-nue. What?" Jawaii asked, deeply confused.

Phantom quietly chuckled. "Bonne nuit. It's French for good night."

"The heck's a French?"

"Heh heh. Perhaps I shouldn't be laughing, for you're an alien child. You don't know everything about Earth and that's understandable!"

"No, it's okay. I like to make people laugh. 'Cuz it means I made them happy!" replied Jawaii.

Phantom smiled at Jawaii once more. "We should get some rest, my child. We've had a very long day. Bonne nuit, Jawaii." He laughed a bit at his own joke.

Jawaii smiled. "Nighty night, Phantom." She yawned and stretched and sprawled out on her bed, quickly falling asleep within a matter of minutes.

Phantom, however, lay awake in his bed, thinking about what Jawaii had told him to do. He tossed and turned, pondering his decision. His heart throbbed, wondering what would happen.

Then, he decided.

He was going to tell her tonight. He had figured that he may as well get it over with now.

He nervously got out of bed and quietly phased through the walls to get to Peach's bedroom, where she had still laid awake. She was slightly startled by Phantom seemingly appearing out of nowhere.

"Oh! Tom? Is there... something you need?" she asked

"Well... there is something I must tell you. I've hidden it from you for so long... because I was afraid of being rejected, I suppose." he admitted.

"Oh... Well, what is it?"

"I know that you are already taken... b-but..." Phantom covered his blushing face with his hands, and forced himself to finally choke out the words.

"I l-love you."

He knew that this was the end. She was going to kick him out of her castle... or far worse.

But her response shocked him down to his very gramophone.

"Well... if I'm completely honest, I have feelings for you too. That peck on the cheek earlier... was something I've wanted to do for a long time." she smiled and looked away a bit.

Phantom stared dumbfounded at her. He couldn't believe it. "B-b-but, you— and M-Mario—" he stammered.

"Oh, that's just a rumor that goes around... everybody seems to think that! He's still a very close friend of mine, and I'm so glad he's saved me so many times."

"Erm... speaking of that... King Boo told me something about myself that not even I had known. I... I was a human once. I wanted so badly for you to notice me... each time you were kidnapped, I always attempted to save you... but my attempts were futile, for Mario always saved you before I ever could. But one day, King Boo trapped you in a painting... and for the first time, I had arrived in time to save you. Unfortunately, he had killed me and sealed my soul inside a gramophone. I had forgotten about this previous life... until he had told me. Then all of the memories rushed inside me. Saving you had felt... like I had finally fulfilled my goal." he explained.

"...Actually... now that I think of it, I do remember a handsome young man who had clothes not different than yours who had come to save me from him. I remember his beautiful deep voice... with that accent... it was your voice! Your voice was always so familiar to me...but I could never figure out where I heard it."

Phantom's face turned red from the complements. "P-princess, please stop flattering me..."

She giggled. "You haven't become any less handsome than you were as a human, you know."

Before Phantom could respond, she kissed him again. This time, on the lips.

The two kissed under the pale morning moonlight shimmering down into the room.

[drawbauchery]

Two Of A Kind

(fic by cartoons-tothemoon)

Rico was, in many ways, comparable to a feral cat. He came and went as he pleased, he always came back with some sort of new scratch or bruise with no explanation, and he gave off the energy of some sort of dangerous, feral…Thing, despite being almost passive outside of combat situations.

However, similar to a feral cat, despite the threat of pain or personal injury, you couldn’t help wanting to pet it, or keep it around. Rico was scrappy, and to a lot of people, that was charming.

That was how Kowalski rationalized it anyhow.

Of course, nobody could guess that he’d be currently hooked up with the prince of a sovereign nature, but at this point, it was one of those things that might as well happen. If Skipper was allowed to have his weird homoerotic waltz with his frenemy and Private was allowed to clandestinely pine over Skipper the way he did, why not?

Of course, Kowalski wasn’t precisely sure what he was allowed. He was a man of science, of course, but was he not too flesh and blood, like his compatriots? His last relationship with Doris, “The Dolphin” as she was often called, had soured in a manner that he was still at least a little sore over, but surely enough time had passed for him to move past all this…Right?

It had been a slow day in the lab. Skipper told him that if anything else spontaneously combusted this week that he’d lose his microwave privileges, (which, on one hand, was fair, but on the other hand, was just sort of humiliating) so all he could do was sketch out vague models and schematics until night fell, which gave him some time to think about stuff he usually didn’t.

For instance, all of the…Whatever was going on as of late.

He knows it wasn’t always like this, but something had changed, and he had no idea what caused Skipper and Private to go from close friends to close friends with issues, or what caused his perception of Rico to shift from highly unstable maniac to highly unstable maniac with a heart of gold.

However, just as he thought he was making a connection between the several, loud, pounding knocks struck against the door to his lab, which practically caused him to jump out of his skin.

“I AM NEEDING OF YOUR HELP.”

“The door’s unlocked.” Kowalski called, yet still rising to his feet to open the door himself.

“THERE’S NO TIME, I NEED-“ the door opened, revealing Julien, who stopped yelling. “I need a doctor. You’re like a doctor, right?” Julien asked, looking a little more frantic than usual, his hair spiking up in stress.

“I….Guess?” Kowalski himself questioned. “I certainly have the most first aid training.” He turned back to the lab to grab his first aid kit. He hoped he’d have everything he’d need considering how often he had to use this thing as of late.

“Good enough.” Julien said, soothing his nerves by playing with his ponytail. As soon as Kowalski returned, he grabbed his arm in his, and began walking Kowalski down the hall. “It’s Rico.”

“Yeah, I figured.” Kowalski sighed.

“Really? That’s all you have to say? Are you sure you’re a doctor? Because your bedside manner is terrible.”

“I never claimed to be a doctor. What’s up with him?”

Julien froze, and turned to Kowalski, while smiling a sheepish smile. “You’re not going to tell the boss man about this, right?”

“No? Probably not?”

Julien continued his brisk pace at that.

“Good, because that guy just hates fun! I haven’t so much has ever seen him crack a smile! He’s such a bring-down. Anyhow, I mentioned to Rico a few days ago that I’d love to go dancing sometime, so we went out tonight,”

“It’s only 6…”

 “SO WE WENT OUT TONIGHT, and let me tell you it was banging!” Julien said, but his face seemed to fall as he approached his room, and held Kowalski’s arm tighter.

“Nobody there recognized me, but…A lot of people…Still wanted something from me…And…” Julien stopped walking entirely. They were just outside his door.

“I never felt so scared. Death didn’t even scare me, but this? This was…”

Kowalski was simultaneously terrified and calm. He never had to do this kind of comforting before, bringing someone down from a panic attack. “Deep breaths,” he said. “Deep breaths. You don’t have to say anymore.” He placed the hand that Julien claimed on the small of his back, as that was all the position would allow, and saw as he instantly relaxed.

“Rico took care of them. And then we came home.” Julien said, with a level of severity and seriousness never seen on the man. Julien opened the door to reveal Rico sitting on Julien’s bed, covered in various bruises and scratches and blood. Far too many to go unnoticed.

“Fists can only do so much against glass and knives and guns.” Julien murmured, he looked rather guilty at the thought that this was all his fault. A feeling Kowalski wasn’t even aware the foolish prince knew. A feeling welled up inside of Kowalski as he wished to hold and comfort the man he saw before him at this unexpected reveal of depth. He always thought of Julien as far too annoying and horny to deal with, but…Maybe he did contain some level of multitude within him. Maybe there was something more there to see. This fascinated him.

Of course, this reverie would not last long.

“Are you trying to sew your wounds closed with dental floss?”

“It’s, uh, c-c-cleaner than the th-thread I k-keep in my p-pocket.” Rico shrugged, then winced.

Kowalski sighed, and made his way towards the bed. He popped open the first aid kit, and delicately took the arm Rico was hastily trying to stitch up on his own. The wound looked rather deep, like if the knife had been at a different angle, he’d be in a rather different place right now. However, he was here.

“Your stitches are so sloppy…”

“Y-Yeah, well, y-you try sewing in a t-taxi cab s-sometime.”

“I’m probably going to have to pull them out. You’re rather lucky that your other injuries aren’t very serious.” Kowalski looked up, seeing Julien nibbling his lip in the corner, looking almost as bad as Rico, emotionally.  

“Julien?” He perked his head up at the sound of his own name. “Could you get me an ice pack if you would? He’ll need it for his black eye.” Julien nodded, walking out of the room at a relatively fast speed, leaving the two alone.

“I’ll probably sew the new stitches in first, then we can loosen your floss stitches so we don’t have to worry about the wound being reopened…” Kowalski muttered, not to anybody in particular, but Rico was there for it.

“Ar-are you going to t-tell Skipper?”

“Julien already asked.”

“And?”

“I don’t see why I would.” Kowalski shrugged, taking out some anti-septic wipes to dress his other wounds. “You were just doing your job.”

“W-What?”

“Julien told me. You defended him against some guys in a club? It seemed rather…Chivalrous of you.” Kowalski choked.

“Ch-Chivalrous, huh?”

“Don’t get any ideas.” Kowalski said, trying to stop something before it started. “I just wish you two were more careful.”

“Awww, y-you c-care about us.” Rico smirked, leaning in for effect. Kowalski could feel the room getting rather hot, and not just because he wore a sweater all the time. Kowalski decided to take the bait this one time, just to throw him off his game.

“Yeah, I do. I care about all of you, a lot. It’s just that the others aren’t actively throwing themselves into danger at a moment’s notice. The others aren’t trying to steal aspirin trucks or get on Skipper’s bad side. You are.”

Kowalski took the moment to straighten his posture on the bed, and tug on a bandage for harder than he necessarily needed to do.

“You don’t value your own life enough for you to be doing all you do. Is it too much to ask for a little self preservation from you?”

Rico was speechless. It was…All rather strange, to have to listen to Kowalski talk like this. They weren’t what you would call the most open with their feelings, and considering the face Kowalski made before he launched into this tirade, he was just doing this to throw off his flirting. However, it worked, he sounded genuinely worried, and it legitimately made Rico feel…Bad. He felt bad for making Kowalski feel bad, because Kowalski was always…There. Not like, on his side all the time, but there. He was present. Comforting isn’t how he would describe his presence, but he found comfort within it. If he wasn’t there, things would just feel off and bad. Rico couldn’t help but wonder if that’s how Kowalski thought of things.

“S-sorry.”

Kowalski sighed. He sounded tired. Julien knocked quietly on the door as he rushed to hand Kowalski the freezing cold ice pack for Rico’s shiner. He thanked him kindly, and with that, he was finally able to move on to the process of actually stitching up Rico’s wound, as all other trivialities that drew Kowalski’s eyes were addressed. It was a rather calming process actually, as Julien sat beside Rico as Kowalski did his work, quietly watching.

When he finished his labor, he received a fist-bump from Rico, and a hug from Julien.

“I thank you a million times over!”

Kowalski hesitantly patted Julien’s back. “Yes, yes. Of course. Just remember that I’ll need to remove the stitches in the next two weeks and-“

Julien sobbed a little into his chest, and Kowalski leaned more into the hug as he held him tight and let go soon afterwards.

“Hey, everything’s going to be alright. You can remove most of the bandages in two hours, and if Skipper asks, Rico got in a fight with the feral cats in the alley again.”

“Those g-guys are j-jerks.” Rico muttered, and that was when he realized how long he was holding his boyfriend, while he was crying about his boyfriend.

“You’re two of a kind.” Kowalski smiled, which made Julien smile as he turned back to his boyfriend to make fun of his little pout. Kowalski’s smile grew somber, as for a moment, he realized that he’d thought that…Maybe, he was allowed “this,” whatever “this” may be, but the last thing he’d want to do is spoil their fun, and that was the last thing he was considered.

He packed up his first aid kit again as Julien peppered Rico’s face with kisses, and made his way for the door.

“Hey ‘walski. D-Don’t burn that m-midnight oil, huh?” Rico remarked, winking. Julien stopped his onslaught of affection to catch Kowalski running out of the room, cheeks burning, and his boyfriend’s own smug, slightly soft reaction.

“So, what did you guys talk about while I was gone?”

“K-Kowalski said that he l-loved us.” Rico replied, batting his eyelashes and leaning in close to Julien before he got hit in the face with a pillow, knocking him to the floor.”

“He did not!” Julien laughed.

“He d-did!”

“Not!”

“Did!”

“Not! I don’t believe it!” He smiled, not in a cruel way, but something that said that he was also a little soft for the strangely uptight man.

“Hmmm.” Rico hummed, quizzically. “I g-guess you’ll h-have to wait and s-see.”

“And I guess you will too.”

(This was supposed to be your typical fanfic set-up of one character patching the other’s wounds, all the while scolding the other for their wrecklessness. I’m a sucker for that. I would’ve done it as Skipper/Private if I could figure out who was going to be who, but this was also a lot of fun!! I can’t believe I haven’t written for these guys yet. I hope you enjoy!)

[noxstellacaelum]

No, it’s not just because the guy is hot ... and other BS about a female fan base (Looking at you Veronica Mars and Shadowhunters)

So, I suck at Tumblr.  I changed my name and suddenly all of my links are broken.  A friend asked me to repost this when she could not find it, so apologies for round 2.

I wrote recently about how filtering female characters through the male gaze can cause a project’s “center of gravity” to shift away from the agency and autonomy of female characters. This is how we end up w/ stories where women are there (narratively) to be pretty arm candy, or objects of sexual desire, or romantic partners (half a ship) vs characters who shape their own romantic and life choices. This is how we get female characters subjected to endless, pointless pain and trauma — usually sexual assault/ rape narratives (GoT, Veronica Mars). Or female characters who sacrifice endlessly and forgive every transgression, so that a man can be redeemed/ understood/ forgiven. (Why else would Buffy forgive Spike?) As I said, I don’t think every silly, guilty pleasure TV show or movie has to be a feminist icon story. Men can tell good stories about women. And give me flawed, complicated, nuanced characters and relationships any and every day of the week. I prefer truthful storytelling, not a kind of hagiography w/a side of feminism for my female characters.

Still, I had to just shake my head — after gagging on my coffee — when I saw the recent TV Line article quoting a senior executive at HULU as saying that the negative reaction to the ending of S4 Veronica Mars was A-O-K b/c it was a testament to how much people love the show. And, that the end was all part of RT’s super-well-thought-grand-plan to make VM into a noir detective show where Veronica solves random mysteries in random places and has no friends, no family, no relationships — having been an asshole to everyone in S4. Never mind S4 Veronica’s questionable detective skills, as evidenced by her failure to figure out who was behind the bombings until it was too late. Yeah. Whatever.

Of course, I didn’t stop at the article. I had to look at the comments. The official RT fanboy line appears to be that people who hated the ending are basically weak, stupid (heterosexual, I guess) girls who are upset that we won’t get to look at Jason D’s abs anymore. Apparently, we just don’t understand RT’s art and vision. Sad, really.

And so it goes. Once again, female fans are reduced to unthinking, stupid, crying hordes upset when we don’t get our happily-ever-after.

This is such complete and total bullshit. I hated all of S4 Veronica. VM in S4 is an unrecognizable asshole. She mocks Logan for seeking help for his PTSD. She misses or ignores her dad’s health crisis. She’s casually racist. She randomly uses drugs w/ strangers. She’s terrible to her friends (Weevil). And she’s the worst detective ever. Killing Logan off as some kind of suffer porn for VM was just one more piece of the shitty story telling that was S4. Especially since there was zero narrative explanation of how or why smart, gritty teenager Veronica fell into the abyss of self-loathing, self-absorption and cruelty that defines her in S4.

To my mind, though, the mansplaining from HULU, RT and crew is one of many examples of how Hollywood dismisses female fans along with female characters. In addition to Veronica Mars, I’ve written about how Shadowhunters TV betrayed both its female characters and many of its female fans. And, just as happened w/ Veronica Mars, when people objected, the show runners and their shills told us that we didn’t understand the showrunners’ art or storytelling; that we were upset bc not all of the couples got a wedding, that fan fiction could sort out the narrative mess left after the finale. As if completely sidelining the protagonist and her romantic partner, then tacking on a rom com meet cute at the end, made it all ok.

It wasn’t OK. It was BS. And, depressingly, not a surprise when one examines how the show treated its female characters and fan base all along.

- Cassie Clare, the author behind the six book series, has hinted on her Tumblr blog that from the very beginning, the male producers and show runners behind the TV adaption did not value her heavily female fan base. The show even added a lot of computers/ tech (explicitly NOT canon in the Shadowhunters universe), and made a character a police officer (not a bookstore owner) when it launched to attract an older male audience according to Clare. (Apart from the non-canon aspect of computers, stereotyping much on who likes tech?).

More importantly, the storytelling around female characters, and the treatment of their sexuality, showed the lack of regard the show had for female characters and their fans. Where to even start:

- The show aged-up the characters — which I am totally on board with — but then cast an actor who is only six years older than Matt D. (he played Alec) to play Mayrse, Alec’s (and Izzy and Jace’s adoptive) mother. 6 years!?! There are plenty of skilled, age appropriate performers one could have picked. Don’t tell me that casting decision was the product of anything other than the male gaze.

- Book Mayrse is a complicated and not always likeable character. Totally cool. Show Mayrse exists in S1 of SHTV for the sole purpose of being bigoted and homophobic re Alec (with a side of slut-shaming for her daughter Izzy). Then, in S3, she exists solely to punished (w/ a random de-rune-ing) and then redeemed for her homophobia by becoming “captain of the Malec ship.” S3 Mayrse seems to be entirely unaware that she has other children. Not Izzy. And not depressed, and suicidal Jace. A more richly observed character who is a mother would not act this way.

-Book Izzy is sexy and body positive. And a formidable warrior. Awesome. Show Izzy is often reduced to slutty eye candy in S1. She’s turned into a drug addict in S2. And, then, in S3 and the finale, she’s charged w caretaking duties for Jace (bc the show ignored the parabatai bond bw Alec and Jace and Mayrse was absent, as noted above). And, in the climactic fight scene, she’s disarmed by Clary (who had been training for a couple of months at that point) and needs to be saved by Simon, her non-Shadowhunter soon to be boyfriend. Simon is hugely heroic in the books, as is Clary, but their heroism is not at the expense of, or in place of, Izzy’s strength and heroism. (Or, maybe it’s that show Simon saves show Izzy from show Clary that’s the problem: book Izzy would not have been bested by Clary, book Clary never would have attacked her friends and chosen family, and the dark Clary made zero narrative/ emotional sense.

- Clary, the protagonist, is wholly sidelined in 3B and the finale. I won’t go down this rabbithole again, except to say that the show’s decision to strip Clary of her entire narrative arc — her mother, her father figure, her memories, her magic, her identity her chosen family, and her love — deeply, deeply betrayed the character and her fans.

- And, as I’ve written before, the dark Clary storyline seemed more about putting Kat M. In sexy clothes and having her act in a sexually aggressive way toward Jace (let’s call it what it was - the show hinted that she went down on Jace in a club while Jace was distraught over losing Clary and basically roofied) (bc sexually aggressive women are either slutty or evil on SHTV, I guess.). It made no sense.

-The whole Climon storyline was cringe worthy, and her weird shame-y commentary on Jace’s past sex life made no sense either.

- Maia hooking up w/ Jace behind a bar, and forgiving her attacker.

The list goes on and on.

I am sick and tired of Hollywood reducing female characters and female fans to unsophisticated, silly, shallow people looking only for the love of a (generally straight white) man. I am sick of shows sacrificing female characters and their fans to tell stories about other characters, even when those stories are worthy. (We shouldn’t have had to choose between, say, Magnus, Alec and Malec, and Clary, Jace and Clace.). I am sick of characters and fans serving as a mirror or vehicle for other characters’ stories.

Female fans watch TV. We buy movie tickets. We participate in fandoms. Stop telling us that we should be content w/ scraps from the storytelling table.

[all-hail-the-witcher]

I have literally no clue how to do this, but director’s commentary on your ‘One expensive can of easy cheese’ fic?

hell yeah!!

all comments will be in bold

______

Race was sat on top of the counter in his and Albert’s apartment, race only knows how to sit on counters lets be real, he can't sit in a chair to save his life a piece of duct tape over his mouth and his hands tied together with kitchen twine KINKYY. He sighed against his restraints, resigned to watch his boyfriend make their contribution to this year’s Thanksgiving gathering: mac and cheese. okay so its mac and cheese cause if you read spies mac and cheese is Literally the Only thing albert knows how to cook, other than coffee, and he's Really Fuckin Good At It (he's the mikey of mac and cheese okay this is my hc)

Now, of course everyone and their mother knew that mac and cheese was not a Traditional Thanksgiving Food is it though, r a c e r?. But, Albert had won (best out of three) mario kart yesterday so he had gotten to decide what they would bring to Jack’s house i was gonna make it rock paper scissors, i do not know hot to play mariokart, but it sounds more heated than rock paper scissors. Had Race known that he had been planning to make mac and fucking cheese, maybe he would have tried a little harder race be quiet you literally love alberts mac and cheese its a known fact.

Apparently, Albert was not pleased with Race’s reaction to his decision to make mac and cheese, and thought that Race might try to get in the way somehow (which he may or may not have fully intended to do) he did. So he did what any loving boyfriend would: sat him on the counter, put duct tape over his mouth and tied his hands together so he wouldn’t interfere albert sounds real kinky in this, why did i make this so kinky, wait when did i even write this.

Race was beginning to wonder why he had agreed to move in with Albert in the first place. CAUSE YOU LOVE HIM THATS WHY

With a violent shake of his head and one final spat who the fuck uses the word spat huh saph??, he was able to dislodge the duct tape d i s l o d g e thats some karen bs right there.

“Albieeeeee,” he whined, laying down on the counter. “Can you pleaaaaaaaseee let me helllllllllp?” yeah albert let him help jeez he's the one who actually knows how to cook

Albert barely glanced up as he pulled the big wooden spoon out of the pot and gave it a thoughtful lick note to self, all licks should always be thoughtful. “Hmmmmmmm. No.” dumbass. if only you knew what was coming.

“But-!” He wriggled w r i g g l e d around to give Albert his best puppy dog eyes. “Can I make something else then? Ple-OW!” He glared at the spatula that had been hurled at his arm. “You apologize for that!” damn albie why so mean? o wait i wrote this wait...

“Nah.” He smirked and went back to stirring his wretched pasta okay but i did a good job making race salty i gotta give myself that. Well, actually Albert’s mac and cheese was quite good hELL YEAH IT IS. Race was just salty that he was making it for Thanksgiving when it was very well known that he was the chef of the two and Jack was expecting something good not the mac and cheese Albert famously made at 2am in college when they were all high as hell. okay real talk tho, no one eats good mac and cheese in college, its the instant microwave shit cause were all broke so thats a lie race

“Can you at least untie me then?” ;)

“No.” Albert even bother considering this time. albert this is gettin Real Kinky..

“Well.” If logic wasn't going to work on Albert he would have to try another method. “I know you know how to make a guy feel good Albie HAH YES I KNEW I PULLED SOMETHING WEIRD, but I never expected ropes to be a part of it. What’s next? Handcuffs? Whips? Chains?” i gotta tell ya life without ya has been hard. hard? has been bad. bad? has been r o u g h. k i N kY

In two seconds flat Race was out of his kitchen twine bonds and flexing his sore wrists. LIKE HECK HE WAS CAUSE ALBERTS ACE AND HE DONT WANT THAT REPUTATION!!!

“Man Albie, who knew you had a twine kink.” hehe u go race

“You know,” Albert began loudly, as if thinking that his loudness would cover up his totally obvious twine kink yeah albie has a twine kink, he licks it, no this is a joke, “if you want to do something that's actually useful, you could go to Walgreens and buy me another can of Easy Cheese.” W A L G R E E NS. this whole fit was an excuse to write another part of the walgreens au

“Is that what you put in your fuckin mac and cheese?” Race swore he actually felt bile rise in the back of his throat when Albert nodded. “That’s it. I’m never eating your mac and cheese again.” BUT YOU LIKE IT

“But-!”

“I’ll eat you though,” Race winked, taking a moment to enjoy the startled, yet somehow pleased look on his boyfriend’s face. okay maybe albert wasn't ace in this particular fic...

“Not until after we’re done at Jack’s.” yeah definitely not scratch that. i write a lot of fics. Albert said only half jokingly as he dug around in his pocket for a second before throwing a crumpled five at Race. “In the meantime though, be gone thot!” GO AWAYYYY. IM A MAN OF GOD. mikey and my sister have subjected me to too many tik toks im sorry

Race barely managed to catch the bill without falling on the floor, but still blew a kiss to Albert before walking out of the apartment.

Who the fuck puts easy cheese in mac and cheese? albert does. but its actually a plot point just to get you to walgreens and if anyone puts easy cheese in mac and cheese i will fite you. He wondered for the millionth time as he stomped the three blocks to Walgreens. Albert claimed that he had chosen his apartment for its proximity to the store he did, actually, but up until today Race had always assumed that he had been joking he was not. The man did make a lot of mac and cheese and if Easy Cheese was an ingredient well….maybe there was some truth to that story after all. you can buy easy cheese at a lot of places tho...i don't actually know if you can buy easy cheese at a walgreens

Race pulled open the door to the Walgreens, pausing briefly to wonder why the absolute fuck it was open on literal Thanksgiving before remembering that it was a fucking Walgreens and why wouldn’t it be open to sell his dumbass boyfriend a can of fucking Easy Cheese. walgreens remains a mystery indeed. my only experience was the one that my best friend and i would go to at lunch during senior year. also have you ever noticed that most walgreenses are on corners? cause their slogan is at the corner of happy and healthy??

In order to get to the Easy Cheese, or at least he assumed so because he had never bought a can of Easy Cheese in his whole glorious 25 years of life a true chef, Race had to walk past the Pharmacy section of the store. And, it just so happened that there was a guy sitting behind the counter at the Pharmacy. A very attractive guy. With a beard. In scrubs. oh my god the most questionable villain I've ever written.

Now, of course Race loved Albert and nothing would ever change that, but he could appreciate an attractive man when he saw one indeed he could. He thanked whatever deity was out there for the bit of man candy M AN C AN D Y that he had been granted and went in search of his Easy Cheese. oh just you wait racetrack 

“Mac and cheese, velveta cheese, microwaveable mac and cheese, where the fuck is the- oh thank fuck there we go.” my best friend and i spent much time looking at the mac and cheese in walgreens He pulled a can of Easy Cheese off of the shelf, tossing it once and catching it athletics before turning to go pay for the horrendous product, happy to finally be done with the whole ordeal when- B R E T T 

“Easy cheese? Really?”

Race whirled whirled? saph please get a better vocabulary around to see Mr. Man Candy hA himself leaning against the opposite shelf. “Wh- who?”

“Oh,” he dusted his hand off on his scrubbs oh my god Wait i wrote this cause one time when i was in a walgreens i Did see a hot dude working the pharmacy and decided to write a fic about it!! i remember texting mikey about this hjfhgjhg, “allow me to introduce myself. My name is Brett O’Hare. and mikey came up with that name And you, sir, are a disgrace to society. The very reason why so many Americans are in poor health in this day and age.” brett is an obnoxious millennial in case you can't tell

“I’m sorry, what?”

“The Easy Cheese!” Brett gestured wildly toward the can in Race’s hand. “Gosh do you even know how many preservatives are in that stuff? And all the cancers that it can cause? It’s terrible. We wouldn’t need free healthcare if people just stopped eating Easy Cheese!” apparently he's a millennial who's also a republican...?

Race had lived in New York City his whole life, and he had seen some pretty strange things subway pizza rat, but never had he seen a pharmacist in a Walgreens lecture anyone about the health benefits of Easy Cheese. easy cheese has no health benefits. and if you'd stopped annoying your boyfriend maybe you wouldn't be there

“So let me get this straight,” Race rubbed his head, trying to make sense of the situation. “You go around yelling at people about the ingredients in the things that they are purchasing?” yeah its nyc people love to have Opinions. and so do millennials

“Yeah.”

“You do realize that this is a Walgreens, right? Everything in here probably contains some kind of chemical.” man brett has his work cut out for him. New Yorkers never ceased to amaze him.

“All the more reason for me to inform them of their poor eating habits!” Brett pointed a finger at him. “And stop distracting me! You’re the one buying the freaking easy cheese here!” this is so weird why did i come up with this idea. what possessed me. 

“It’s not even for me!” Race shouted back. “It’s for my boyfriend’s fucking mac and cheese that he insisted on making for Thanksgiving even though everyone knows that mac and cheese is not a fucking Thanksgiving food and he’s only making it cause he knocked me off the goddamn rainbow road right before the fucking finish line!” someones salty Race was fuming but the time that he was done.

“Oh, man I’m so sorry, that's lousy.” but it won't stop brett...

Race looked surprised. Of all the things that he thought he would get out of this Walgreens experience, a therapy session was indeed not on the list. But neither had been hearing a lecture about the preservatives in Easy Cheese from a pharmacist. i have literally no explanation for this train wreck of a fic

“But that doesn’t change the fact that you’re still buying Easy Cheese!” Between one second and the next, Brett had grabbed the can of Easy Cheese out of Race’s hand, wielding it like a brick ha percy jackson heroes of olympus anyone??. “Buy some fucking vegetables!” you can't buy vegetables in a walgreens brett

And with that, he struck Race over the head with the can of Easy Cheese.

Now, Race had definitely done some questionable things during his life Thats for sure. Once he had slept on the roof of his dorm building in January for a week because he lost his dorm key god why you can't even get on the roof of dorm buildings i know, I've tried, and another time he had been tricked into making an entire wedding cake using salt by Who??. However, being smacked over the head with a can of Easy Cheese by a health nut in scrubs on Thanksgiving put any and all other situations he had been in to shame in a walgreens don't forget. how did you forget that saph.  

He opened his eyes, suddenly blinded by the lights, and reached for his phone, muttering curses about man candy and vegetables as he should be. Squinting so he didn’t have to look at the screen, he somehow managed to dial Albert. no one d i a l s anyone saph. its the 21st century. i have like maybe 8 phone numbers memorized, half of them belong to my family the other half to people i knew in middle school.

“Racetrack Higgins, where is my Easy Cheese?”

Race pulled the phone away from his ear and winced at the sound of his boyfriend’s voice. “Um, it may have been used to give me a concussion by a health nut in scrubs?” for Once al isn't the one who gets injured in a walgreens. bet you didnt see That coming

Albert let out a loud sigh. “Ah man, did you run into Brett? That guy’s the worst.” hehe bet al used to date him

“Wait, you know him?”

“Race, I know every Walgreens employee in Manhattan, of course I know Brett.” There was the jangling of keys in the background. “I thought I told you to go to the one on 4th for this reason, ah, well. I’m on my way. I’ll take you to urgent care. Hang tight.” ofc al goes to urgent care. and everyone there knows him by a first name basis

Race’s head hurt too much to process what Albert had said except for the words ‘I’m on my way.’ “Okay,” he sighed. this was definitely one of the times i asked mikey about oddly specific concussion symptoms and then proceeded to forget everything he told me and do my own stuff

“Love you.”

“Love you too.” Race’s eyes focused on the dented can of Easy Cheese rolling on the floor he should still buy it. “And Al?”

“Yeah?”

“This is going to be one expensive can of Easy Cheese.” get it? cause race has to pay urgent care for his consultation? and they're also Very Very late to thanksgiving. cause al insists on finishing his mac. jack is not impressed. he eats all races pie.

anyway thats that hope you enjoyed

[possibilistfanfiction]

Sutton D Brady is an actual angel on this earth thats all i really have if you want to do something with that

[ok honestly this is like five times sutton accidentally is a third wheel on a date w kat & adena + one time she isn’t (she hangs out w kat as her best friend pls don’t be weird pls do not) lmao poor sutton but don’t worry its cute]

//

1

you don’t really realize that kat had invited you as a third wheel on this date until it’s too late. you had had a really slow day at the office and kat had made up some excuse for both of you to have to leave, which you don’t think oliver or jacqueline had really bought but it’s a beautiful day and you had been a little down that morning about richard—it comes and goes, who knows why you were sad today—anyway.

kat takes you out for a late lunch somewhere in north bedstuy that serves southern comfort food and when you ask her how she knew about it she just shrugged, smiled, got you a bottle of rosé to share. 

you’re definitely a little day drunk and feeling a lot better, because kat had made you laugh a lot with distracting dumb stories and reports from this focus group she’d had to run, and you walk to the C afterward so you can go to the piers and get ice cream, even though you’re so. full.

you’re almost at ample when you see who you’re 99% sure is adena from a distance, and kat grins, this huge smile lighting up her face.

it definitely is adena, who is in a pretty hijab and these killer flowy dark green pants, and kat gives her a quick kiss.

‘i was nearby at my friend’s office in dumbo,’ she explains. ‘i hope it’s okay?’

she genuinely says it like a question, like she would leave if you said no, and kat scoffs but adena looks to you.

‘it’s definitely okay,’ you say, and it is, because you want to spend more time with your best friend’s girlfriend; from what you can tell, kat is definitely in it for the long haul. ‘i’m glad we get to hang out.’

‘me too,’ adena says, and asks about your day. kat jumps in so you don’t have to tell her how you’re ditching work because you were a little upset and you could hug her for it, but she’s holding adena’s hand and they walk beside you, both paying complete attention to you, but their hands are linked and they’re quite literally the most beautiful couple you’ve ever seen, you’re pretty sure. it makes you ache a little more but adena buys you all ice cream and you sit at pier three in the gardens and the city is beautiful behind you; it’s quiet.

kat licks melting ice cream off of adena’s hand and it makes adena roll her eyes and it makes you laugh and you definitely realize this part of your day was absolutely a date.

but then, after you’ve finished your ice cream, adena leaves to go do some editing on a shoot she’d finished last week; she kisses kat goodbye and gives you a tight, heartfelt hug.

‘good to see you, sutton,’ she says.

‘yeah,’ you say, ‘you too.’

kat is a little stunned watching adena walk away, you think, from her wide eyes and dumb ass little smile.

‘i’m definitely falling in love,’ she says.

you laugh at your friend and she helps you up and then shoves you a little, cheeks turning pink. 

‘you’re absolutely already in love,’ you tell her, wrap your arm around her shoulders as you walk toward high street. 

‘yeah, i guess.’

‘you are.’ you bump her hip and she smiles. ‘it’s great though, kat.’

she lets out a deep breath and goes to hold your hand, but you swat it away. ‘i don’t know where that thing has been.’

‘i’ve washed my hands today, sutton.’

‘ah, so you have had sex.’

kat lifts a brow and strides off in front of you. ‘i like to start my mornings with cardio, what can i say?’

‘you’re terrible,’ you grumble, but it’s fond and you and kat fall asleep on your couch once you get home, trying to get through the staircase in like your fifth attempt.

you wake up to jane taking a series of pictures of the two of you and you groan and kat just burrows into the pillows.

‘she’s tired,’ you explain, ‘from her sex fest this morning.’

‘whatever,’ she says. ‘be jealous all you want.’

//

2

it’s very clearly a date to you this time about ten minutes in, even though this is the most ridiculous date ever.

all you had wanted to do was get bread, milk, eggs, and ginger beer from trader joe’s and you were already near downtown brooklyn anyway, because jane had some weird work drinks thing at kimoto and you could both just take the train back from hoyt. you had been at target with kat because it’s like the most pleasant dissociative episode ever, each time you’re there, and somehow adena finds the two of your in the middle of the home decor section, kisses kat hello and then manages to find the ugliest mirror you have ever seen in your life, which had made you both laugh.

you’d met jane in the grocery store and of course the line is long as shit, and kat and adena wander off to find halal chicken nuggets, apparently, and you and jane watch them with a synchronized sigh as the white dude with dreads in front of you fumbles with his kombucha.

‘did they just turn a grocery run into a date?’ you ask.

‘kat has been on a melodrama loop lately. you know, hard feelings.’

‘i honestly thought that was because of liability.’

jane waits a beat and then lets out a big laugh, a good laugh. ‘incredible,’ she says. ‘what a drag.’

you shrug. ‘what can i say? the library is open.’

kat and adena come back and kat says, ‘paris is burning,’ dramatically and with absolutely zero context.

they’re holding hands and have found the halal nuggets in dramatic fashion because the box adena’s holding is gigantic. 

‘we were reading you,’ jane says.

kat rolls her eyes. ‘about what?’ she asks. ‘i’m perfect.’

‘chaotic neutral big dick energy,’ you say.

kat grins and adena laughs.

‘that’s not a read,’ kat says, and you and jane have an unspoken agreement, you’re sure, to never tell kat about how you know she’s really terrified she’s going to fuck everything up with adena because you can see what sh’e listening to on spotify—blond and ctrl and melodrama, yikes—so you let her have it.

‘here, ms big dick energy,’ jane says, handing over the ginger beer which is admittedly a little heavy. ‘hold this.’

kat sighs and hefts it up like she’s doing a bicep curl only her arm shakes a little and it’s adena who laughs first.

you and jane grin and start laughing too and it’s not the worst date ever, you guess.

//

3

you’d definitely made plans to watch nanette with kat at 7 pm thursday night, because you’d seen it and you knew sacrificing your own tears a second time would be vital because kat’s really been through a lot of ‘identity politics,’ as jane calls them, the past few months, even though she acts like it doesn’t affect her very much.

you’re sure these were your plans because she’d put them into your phone herself, so you’re a little confused as to why she’s not answering her door and you’re holding a bottle of wine and a bag of truffle butter popcorn you’d stollen from a shoot earlier and it’s hot as shit in her hallway. 

when you try the door, though, it’s unlocked, thank god, even though you’re a little worried, so you go in.

you are, sadly but also hilariously, not surprised when you see kat completely naked in bed, her computer propped up next to her kind of clumsily, and her head shoots up in your direction and says, ‘shit, adena, i’m sorry, i gotta go,’ and slams her computer shut.

you start to laugh and she tries to wipe her hand on her sheets without you noticing and scrambles around to find a pair of underwear.

‘i’ve seen you naked, like, a thousand times,’ you say, getting out wine glasses, because you’d definitely just walked in on your best friend having facetime sex with her girlfriend but honestly you’re surprised it’s taken you this long at this point. ‘don’t hurry on my account.’

kat throws on a t-shirt and walks over to you, a little smirk on her face. ‘i lost track of time.’

‘you sure did.’

she laughs because you’re smiling and goes to grab a handful of popcorn.

‘are you kidding me?’

‘i’m hungry.’

‘wash your hands, kat.’

‘it was the other hand, i swear to god.’

you lift a brow and she grumbles but dutifully scrubs at her hands while keeping eye contact with you. the back of her hair is coming out of its bun and her cheeks are flushed and she dries her hands with a flourish. ‘happy now?’

‘not as happy as you.’

kat has the courtesy to blush even more. ‘adena’s been gone for two weeks shooting in indonesia—’

‘—oh, we know—’

‘—so i just, you know, missed her.’

‘gay.’

kat huffs. ‘i’m bi.’ she thinks to herself. ‘queer?’

you kiss her cheek, start to pour the wine. ‘i can’t believe i crashed a date when your girlfriend isn’t even in the country.’

kat takes the glass of wine you hand her and lifts it in a toast. ‘i’m sorry.’

you shrug. ‘don’t be. i’m glad you’re happy.’

you clink glasses. ‘me too.’

you sit down on her couch and she grabs popcorn and this time you don’t mind.

‘this is going to ruin your mood for sure, though.’

kat sighs. ‘so i’ve heard.’

you’re both crying by the end and kat burrows into your side, sniffling.

‘stay here tonight?’

‘buy me coffee in the morning,’ you say, even though you have a full outfit for tomorrow and all of your makeup in your bag anyway, because you know her.

‘breakfast too, even that disgusting sandwich with sausage if you want.’

‘deal.’

kat smiles a little and you go to get in her bed wearily before you remember exactly what activity she was doing earlier.

‘change the sheets first, kat.’

‘i’m so tired,’ she pouts.

you raise your brows.

‘so sad, sutton.’

you stand your ground and she rolls her eyes and stomps around but you help her change the sheets.

‘i love you,’ she says, once you’re both situated.

‘i love you too, kat.’

‘you’ve been, just, really important to me in all this, really good, you know that?’

‘yeah,’ you say. ‘i’m the best.’

/

you wake up to pee in the middle of the night and it’s like 2 am but kat is texting adena, you know, because she’s turned over in bed and there’s a little light radiating from her phone. you don’t say anything because you understand mostly but maybe a little you don’t, and she puts away her phone.

‘time difference,’ she says, and you know it’s about comfort and love but you let her have it.

‘tragic.’

‘she’ll be home in a few days.’

‘great,’ you say, ‘because i really don’t think facetime is fully doing it for you. you’ve been a tightly wound pain in the ass to all of your interns lately.’

you’re both a little delirious so you end up laughing and it’s warm and safe and you fall back asleep.

//

4

you’re walking back to kat’s apartment from chelsea, where you’d been to see adena’s latest gallery show—which was really stunning and featured your best friend, a lot, so you cannot wait to tease her later—and they’re holding hands and they keep kissing, light little kisses and it’s cute and really sweet and you love them a lot.

jane is talking about the paintings that were at the show too and it’s a beautiful night, a little chilly after a rainstorm, and it’s late, but there’s really no place you’d rather be.

it’s awesome and peaceful and sort of perfect until some random dude walks past the four of you, takes one look at kat and adena, and says a word that makes adena grit her teeth and jane stiffen and you’re absolutely positive kat is going to get into a fight when she turns around immediately.

‘what the fuck,’ she says, and you’ve seen kat angry and you’ve seen kat hurt and you’ve seen kat genuinely confused and this is all of those things at once, which is. not great.

adena tugs on her hand. ‘kat,’ she says, and from the immediate weariness in her voice you can tell this is certainly not the first time someone has called her a slur. it makes your heart ache and jane is so tiny but she’s already stepping between kat and the dude, and you do too.

he doesn’t seem fazed at all and says it again and you swear to god kat is about to lose her fucking mind and you feel furious too, but it’s not safe for any of you to get into an actual physical fight with this dude and you’re also really fucking terrified.

‘kat,’ you say, tug on her shoulder hard. her jaw clenches and she swallows and then says, ‘fuck you,’ at the dude and to your relief turns around.

adena takes her hand again but it’s not the same gentleness they’d had just a few seconds ago, because mostly she just pulls kat down the street quickly.

jane is absolutely your favorite person in the world because she stands her ground until you can tell they’re far enough down the block.

‘i’m going to call the police,’ jane says, her phone already on 911, all she has to do is press call. 

the guy narrows his eyes, looks at her brightly lit phone, and turns around, starts to walk away quickly.

‘oh my god,’ she says, puts her phone in her pocket and you hold her hand immediately because it is shaking.

you both take a few deep breaths and walk toward where kat and adena had gone, and you’re really not surprised when you see kat pacing back and forth around the next street corner, holding her phone in a white knuckled grip, while adena just stands calmly, quiet.

she sees the two of you and launches into a hug and she’s crying and shaking and it makes you really fucking sad and really fucking angry that her life is going to have shit like this in it.

none of you says anything and you go back to her apartment and open a really good bottle of whiskey her parents had gotten her for her birthday and you and jane busy yourself making sandwiches for everyone while kat and adena talk quietly in the corner.

you glance over and kat brushes some of adena’s hair behind her ear and adena rubs her hand under kat’s eye, wiping some tears. kat takes a deep breath and kisses adena deeply and you and jane wait for, like, a full minute before loudly announcing that you’re done with the sandwiches and would definitely like to do a shot.

it gets a laugh out of kat and adena smiles in thanks at the two of you and you get drunk watching every single hayley kiyoko music video on youtube.

/

the next day you and jane get to work before kat and the little rainbow flag fits perfectly in her mason jar of styluses—weirdo, but you let her have it—on her desk. 

you meet her in the lobby thirty minutes later and buy her coffee and you’d left late last night sufficiently drunk so you’re all hungover but you hug her tight and you and jane watch when she goes to her desk.

she smiles, soft and tender and big, and looks over to the two of you.

jane winks and you do finger guns and you hear kat laughing as you walk toward the fashion department.

//

5

you don’t realize that kat took you to a queer night at union pool until you’re there, but you honestly don’t mind at all because not one person has touched your ass or just assumed you wanted another drink.

kat and adena hang out with you long enough that you and kat finish two drinks and then kat’s eyes start drifting down to adena’s boobs and adena’s hand snakes around kat’s back and you laugh and tell them to go dance, that you’ll be fine.

and you definitely are totally fine, because someone super cute—reggie, you find out—comes up and sits next to you, buys you another drink after they’ve asked if you want one.

you’re verging on drunk but suddenly you remember some fucking soliloquy kat had gone on the other day after a queer panel jacqueline had had her speak on while you were all doing face masks before grey’s anatomy and so you ask, ‘hey, what are your pronouns?’

reggie smiles and says, ‘they/them,’ and you nod.

‘cool,’ you say. ‘she/her.’

distantly you think kat would be really proud but reggie smiles at you and asks if you want to dance and you try to find kat and adena for a second but you have no idea where they went off to, but you definitely do want to dance.

it’s fun and reggie is handsome and has braids that might be even better than kat’s—you’d never tell her because she wouldn’t talk to you for, like, a day probably—and tomboy by princess nokia comes on and it’s fun and you’re laughing and you’re sure your best friend is living her best fucking life because you have heard this song more times in the past two weeks from her spotify than you have in years.

reggie grins and it doesn’t feel odd at all to kiss them, because you’re dancing and it’s sexy and you’re having fun. you dance some more and go to the bar to get some water, eventually, and kat finds you there, her lipstick definitely more adena’s shade now than it was before they went off somewhere and adena is trying to fix her hijab.

they’re ridiculous and in love and kat grins at you while she closes your tab and you’re really fucking tired but you get reggie’s number before you head out with your friends.

‘who was that?’ adena asks, squished between the two of you in the back of a lyft but she’s resting her head on kat’s shoulder and they both look far too sated for having just danced.

‘reggie,’ you say. kat winks. ‘they’re cute.’

kat reaches across adena to give you a high five and then definitely performs a very clumsy and incredibly obvious boob graze on her girlfriend and they make eyes at each other and you clear your throat for posterity.

you don’t mind at all, though, really, not even a little bit.

//

1

shit with your mom has been fucked up and exhausting and dating is fun but kind of lonely, really, and it’s so nice outside but jane is knee deep in an article about neighborhood segregation and public school districts and you’re just.

a little achy.

kat texts you and asks if you want to go to prospect park for a picnic and you almost say no, because you fucking love adena but they’re so in love and so happy sometimes they just make your loneliness worse, even though that’s a shitty thing to think—they do.

but you say yes because you definitely need to not watch dark tourist all day and you get ready and are remarkably there on time even with delays on the Q.

you’re surprised when kat is waiting for you by herself, lounging on a bench near the market with sunglasses and an actual, honest to good book.

‘hey,’ you say, and she stands to give you a hug. ‘where’s your girlfriend.’

‘i don’t do everything with her,’ kat says. ‘but she’s at her office today. she got nominated for some big award and instead of wanting to celebrate she just went right back to work.’

‘ah, so that’s why you get along so well,’ you say, take off in the direction of your favorite bread stall. ‘workaholics.’

kat scoffs and pushes you but she doesn’t bother to argue.

‘so i’m second choice, then.’

you say it as a light joke and you don’t think that at all but you’re in A Mood and it comes out more serious than you intended.

‘what?’ kat says, grabs your arm and turns to face you, flicks her sunglasses up. ‘you’re never my second choice, sutton. i love you so fucking much.’

you sniffle and you hate that you’re going to cry all of a sudden and kat frowns and pulls you into a hug.

‘i’m sorry if i’ve ever made you feel otherwise.’

you shake your head into her shoulder and your, ‘you don’t, you haven’t,’ comes out a little muffled but you feel her nod so you know she heard.

‘okay.’

you sigh and back up and wipe under your eyes. kat still looks concerned so you shake your head. ‘just—stuff with babs, dating sucks, all of that.’

‘yeah.’ she heads toward the bread stall too, even though you hadn’t said anything.

‘do you want to talk about it?’ she picks out an olive oil and rosemary loaf and you really fucking love her. 

‘not right now,’ you say.

she nods. ‘well, i brought champagne.’

‘incredible.’

you buy cheese and fruit and walk to a place near the lake, lay out the blanket kat had brought, one she’d gotten in peru, which makes you grin because you know she’d thought of you and jane and your picnics when she’d found it.

she talks about her latest project at work and you lowkey want to inform her that she’s an influencer now but she’s a little arrogant enough already honestly so you just let her have this one. you make little sandwiches and you make her put sunscreen on even when she whines about it because the UV index is 10 today and jane would kill you both if you got sunburned.

you lay down and talk about music and the actual paper copy of a book she was reading and how she might want a tattoo and you pet like six dogs and eventually you sit up and grin.

‘this is wild, but we’re already on the Q so do you want to go to coney island?’

she laughs and shrugs. ‘why the hell not?’

you gather your stuff and she leans against you on the train, sundrunk and exhausted, and you’re both sweaty and not at all glamorous and this is exactly what you needed.

she patiently stands in line with you at nathan’s and only moderately complains about all the tourists, and you’re both in denim shorts but she stands with you in the ocean eating her hot dog and laughs when you take a boomerang and you walk back to the train eventually, so tired and much, much lighter than you’d felt this morning.

you ride together and are quiet, and it’s easy and you’re both way more grown up now, but you’ve been best friends for five years and you think you’re really fucking lucky.

she gets ready to get off at canal, before you at 14th, and gives you a weirdly positioned hug—you’re still sitting and she’s stood up—and it makes you both laugh.

‘that was the best day,’ she says. ‘thanks.’

‘have fun celebrating tonight.’

‘are you kidding? i’m so tired i’m just going to watch dark tourist and go to sleep.’

you laugh. ‘love me some good problematic binge watching.’

kat grins. ‘always.’

the train comes to a stop and she waves. ‘love you, sutton.’

‘love you too, kat.’

[futurewriter2000]

Hi! Can I have a ship for HP, marauders & golden trio Era (w/ a boy)? I like to paint and draw, but I also LOVE to read, like a hella lot. Introvert&Ravenclaw, not shy, I don't fear people, I'm just really selective; people who I spent time with needs to be intelligent or useful (or dogs, I love them). I don't open up easily and but I do have a few friends and family which I love deeply & don't doubt to help or defend. Alone time it's vital for me but I love to cuddle if it's someone I trust.

Okay before I start this … *cracks knuckles and neck*… It’s gonna be a long ass ship so get ready

Harry Potter/ Golden trio: Ron Weasley 

You noticed Ron for the first time, when he got a Howler from his mom in 2nd year. Your friends made fun of him later, and you did also because it was funny but you did feel sorry for the guy. 

You always thought of him as another Weasley, not anything like Bill, Charlie or Percy, not that intelligent as you have a big standard for but for some weird reason you liked him. You couldn’t put it why excatly you like him, but something about him just felt attractive. So you developed a tiny crush on Ron Weasley in your third year.

As you thught the crush was completly gone, fourth year changed it all. Before you started going to the fourth year, your dad/mom had some bussiness to do with the Head of the Misuse of Muggle Artefacts Office and he/she didn’t trust you being home alone for the next week. So you travelled to the Buro, where you met the WHOLE Weasley family. 

You loved there. The first impression of the house was so cute. You felt like home already. When you entered you completly fell in love with house. It was adorable tiny old house with extra bedrooms and muggle stuff all around, books laying on the ground, drawings from every single Weasley and photos everywhere. It was just too adorable. 

Meeting Arthur firs, he liked you already. You weren’t  afraid of meeting the others, but Ron was someone that made this weird feeling in your stomach. So when Molly came back home with the twins, Ron and Ginny you tried to relax as much as you could, but Ron was making it a bit harder to relax. Because there it was again. You haven’t talked to the guy, heavens you didn’t even like him like that, but something SOMETHING about him felt attractive on him and you hated not knowing what it was.

The whole trip to the Buro was amazing. You laughed with the twins and helped them with their plans for pranking other people, Ginny and you became really close with all the books the two of you have incommon and Ron, well you could talk to Ron about anything. And at first you didn’t notice it but you completly opened up to him, which you don’t usually do. With him, it felt like you could trust him completly. 

Fourth year was amazing, you passed all your exams, there was the Triwizard Tournament and it really interested you. Hearing that Harry was chosen by the Goblet of Fire too, haven’t shocked you at all, because since he came to Hogwarts, every year was all the attentnion to the Gryffindor house and the Boy who lived. It kind of annoyed you to be honest. 

What you really hoped to happen in the fourth year was that Ron would ask you out, but he asked someone else and you got stuck with a Durmstag boy named Tito. Honestly, what kind of name is Tito.

Fitfh year changed it all. You slowly felt your crush disapper, falling for one Ravenclaw. He was smart, hot and totally your type. But what you didn’t know he was a player and Ron noticed that. When he saw him flirting with you, he immediatelly walked over, trying to protect you from getting your heart broken. “I would walk away if I was you. (y/n) is way to good for you.” and the Ravenclaw would glance at you and the angry Weasley, noticing him clenching his fists and gritting his teeth and walking away. “What the hell was that all about?” you asked him. -”I just don’t like him playing with peoples hearts. He’s a player (y/n). Don’t let you his looks fool you. You don’t deserve him.” and with that he walked away, leaving you completly in shock. Ron Weasley? Kind-wise-cute Ron Weasley making you smile while walking back to your dorm.

This was proof you never got over your crush.

Sixth year you noticed how he has grown even taller, his big shoulder and deeper voice. It made you swoon everytime the two of you talked or walked by. There was this attraction and not knowing what it was made you want to ripp your own head off. So you finally decided to do something.

Even though the war was approaching, there were exams and you needed to tell him how you feel. You needed to find out what this feeling is. So as you heard he was struggling with History of Magic, you decided to offer your help. “Hey Weasley. I heard youu were having some troubles with History of Magic. I can totally prepare you for the exam. I know all the cheats with Proffesor Binns.” -”I would love to, but Hermoine is aready helping me and I kind of promised her..” -”Come on. I bet I’m not as stuck-up as her when it comes to details and all that stuff.” -”Yeah. You’re probably right. “ 

Damn that was a close one

The two of you decided to study in the Gryffindor Common room. Being the introvert that you are, you never saw what Gryffindor house looks like. And it was so gorgeous. The fireplace, the sofas everywhere and people were so much louder than in Ravenclaw. The two of you studied for about two to three hors and as he actually did study for it, you felt this weird rush as you need to tell him this now or you’re just going about to expload. His hair was messy ginger color, his eyes fixed on the book, and scanning the pages and his slim body was so well shaped and all you wanted to do was to be in his arms. It just felt so inviting. “(y/n)? You’re staring at me.” he smirked and glanced up to you. You shook your head, coming back to reality. “What?! No I wasn’t!” you denied, your voice cracking a bit. “I’m pretty sure I felt and saw you staring at me. I think you might have been drooling a bit too.” he grinned, closing the book, sitting in the criss-cross position and coming closer to you. “I was not drooling. Staring, yes. But that’s only because I find you really attractive and I don’t know why.” you blurted out, shutting him up immediately. 

And so the panicking started. You started to blush, sweat and you had no idea where to look. Left? Right? Diagonally? That stopped once you felt his big hand grab you by the neck, pulling you closer and placing his lips onto yours. It was like fire at first. It hit you out of nowhere and spreading all over your body. All of those feelings you felt towards him for the past 5 years all explained in one kiss: You were bloody hell in love with him the whole time. 

When he pulled away, a big grinn spreading across his face. “I like you too.” he said before pulling you into another kiss.

The relationship the two of you had was something that couldn’t be explained. The both of you were completly honest with eachother, telling eachother everything, him visiting you and sneaking into the Ravenclaw tower just to sneak into your dorm and watch you paint and draw peacfully on the bay window. It was the most beautiful view he ever saw. And withouth you arguing about it, he came over and sat, moving you into his arms and watching you continuing with the drawing / painting.

After the war was over, the two of you got married pretty soon. Moving in together and getting yourself a dog was like a dream come true. He helped you decorate your own art studio and you helped him with all the joke shop business he had with George. 

But there was also times where he would wake up sweaty and scared. His memory of his dead brother Fred kept him awake most of the nights. You loved Fred just as much as he was your own brother and seeing Ron go through that was terrible to watch, especially if you were grieving too. So the two of you sat on the balkony/porch and just sit there in silence and later talk about it.

Ginny and Harry would come to visit almost every weekend with Hermoine and her boyfriend/housband and all three of you would usually get into a drinking game or just talking about your time in Hogwarts.

You guys would only fight for your dogs attention which was actually adorable. “(y/d/n). Come here boy/girl.” -”Come here (y/d/n). You love me more right.” -”Bloody hell (y/n). Are you trying our son/daughter to chose between us” - “Yes.” you said and grabbed the dog and ran. 

Life with Ron is something you can’t rreally explain, because he would be a loving husband and a great father. 

For the Marauders era: Regulus Black

You and Regulus never got along. Ever. He was like the definition of I’m-rich-spoiled-best of the Black family- Slytherin, that made you want to trip him when he walks by, punch him when he gives you that smirk of his or hex him when he says soething inappropriate. He on the other side, liked you hella a lot. 

He loves to go to the library only to see you sitting in the corner, curled up in a ball with a book in your hand . Or sometimes outside Hogwarts he sees you sitting on the light green grass and watch you sketch into your sketchbook. But what was the point of doing all of that when he acts like an idiot around you. He knew that, but he just panics when you are around. (Basically James Potter as a Slytherin).

Every day he would just appear out of nowhere and start flirting with you. Like you didn’t get that enough from the other Black. “Hello my Sunshine. I feel like today is going to be a great day.” - “Oh and why is that?” -”Because I get to see your gorgeous face matching that stunning body of yours.” he grinned, checking you our from head to toe. And you could’t do anything but to blush a little. Yes he was a self-righteous arse but without him, your six years of Hogwarts would be boring.

Him suddenly turning into the cutest fluffball around you made you want to melt where you stood. “There’s a girl with (y/h/c) hair, young and beautiful. it’s really hard not to stare. But what’s the point of this poem of mine, if all I get back is a cold decline.” he sang in a beautiful deep and husky voice. 

The poem he wrote touched your heart, even though he could have written it a bit better, but it was beautiful, especially read in his voice. So you turned around and grabbed him by his green and silver tie. “Okay, this is how its going to be now Black. I am going on one date with you. One! And if I don’t like it, you’ll leave me alone okay?” you ordered him, making the hugest smile appear on his lips and the brightest sparkle in his eyes. 

He made your first date the biggest mission in his life. It was more important than his own life, since he almost blew himself up practicing the spell for fireworks. He took you on a picninc. (original..i know) but it was amazing. The food that you tasted was something completly new. “Oh my god. I have no clue what this is but its so delicious.” you said, barely catching your breath from all the stuffin it all in your mouth. “I’m glad you like it. I cooked it myself.” You laughed to his response in disbelief. “Yeah right.” you continued to laugh but saw the seriousness in his eyes. “Wait. Are you serious?” - “It was always my little secret. Never told anybody, not even Sirius and he’ll probably never find out.” -”Regulus Black. A masterchef? Who are you?” -”It’s true. I used to sneak into the kitchen and prepare some meals instead of Kreacher. I also told him to keep his mouth shut about it.” he smiled and winked at you. “This is a whole new side I’m discovering of you.” -”Well that’s why first dates exist.” 

And soon there was a second and a third and a whole bunch of dates coming. The two of you would be simply found in the Greenhouses, library or broomcloset snogging. He was a passionate kisser always leaving few marks on your neck, which you tried to hide them later. Greenhouse was your favorite snogging place. Maybe it was the plants or the smell of herb, but the two of you simply loved it. It was also the last place where the two of you would get cought. 

Untill one day as the two of you were enjoying yourselves in privacy, the door swung open. “Okay kids. Everybody has their own pot with their own Mandarakes. It’s really important for First years to know this. It will also be mentioned in your Newts.” said Proffesor Sprout as they were struggling with finding their own seats. You and Regulus immediately stopped and tried not to laugh to this situation. It was really funny to be hones. Your shirt was off, as was his. His hair was in a complete mess, as was yours, but his was extra. He started chuckling and you quickly put your hand on his, hiding in a corner of leafy plant. You gave him glares to stop laughing but he couldn’t help himself. Untill you finally realized. “Mandarakes’ scream Regulus. We don’t have the earmuffs.” and his smile imediatelly dropped. You could feel him curse under your hand. -”Okay. Calm down. I got an idea. Put your shirt on.” he whispered as you tried to put you shirt back on. “Follow me..”he said before throwing himself out of the shadows and making all the firs years look at him. “Mr. Black?” said Proffesor Sprout, staring at the half-naked boy. He picked himself up and acted like he is completly lost. “Did you just apparate me here!?!” he yelled at you angrly. You suddenly realized what he was planning and you followed him. “YES! YES I DID! You want to know why! Because its the only way I can get your attention!” -”My attention! All I give you is attention!” -”Okay! Take this outside!” yeled Proffesor Sprout who totally bought it. 

After the two of you left far from the Greenhouse, you two burst out of laughing. “You were amazing my love.” -”As were you.” 

After Hogwarts the two of you rented a small apartment. It was his choice because he wanted something that he didn’t buy with his parents money. PLus they never agreed for him to date a Ravenclaw. They prefered a Slytherin. So the two of you argued, mostly because he was more of a cat guy and you a dog person. So after two months of fighting the two of you finally moved on and compromised, buying yourself a cat and a dog. 

You wanted to paint your bedroom in your favorite color and he wanted to paint it green. “Green is ugly!” you yelled at him. “No it’s not. Its the color of nature, the color of ambition and lust.” -”Stop with that crap. Its ugly. I want (y/f/c). “

A lot of arguments that on the end of the day were solved by sex. Always.

Some days the two of you would be enjoying some quet time. You drawing or painting or him doing whatever Regulus does in his free time.

Morning cuddles, afternoon cuddles, a lot of talking during cuddles, nigh cuddles and talking about a lot of deep stuff.

Your mission would be gettin Regulus and Sirius back together because you really like Sirius as a person and you know how much Regulus misses him and at the end you would succeed.

Okay that’s all I got for this ship I really hope you like it. I know you said Harry Potter AND Golden trio but the ships I write are really long and I just thing its better for just to simply do Harry Potter or Marauders. But I prefer doing one era at the time. I fell in love with Ron while I was writing it because he is just the best. Anyways I hope you like it :) Also sorry if it took me so long.

[topmixtrends]

PATTERSON HOOD has been leading the Drive-By Truckers — a country-rock band with a hip-hop attitude — for more than two decades. Along the way, the Alabama native has become, in song and in prose, one of the sharpest observers of Southern culture and society since C. Vann Woodward, W. J. Cash, and the Southern novelists he read as a kid.

The Truckers’ latest album, 2016’s American Band, was widely hailed as one of the year’s best and as the group’s most directly political: its songs took on the killing of Trayvon Martin, the worship of the Confederate flag, the nation’s madness for handguns, and the role of the band’s native region in the whole mess. Hood, like fellow Trucker Mike Cooley, grew up near Muscle Shoals, Alabama, and his father, David Hood, is the longtime bassist for the R&B studio’s famous rhythm section. 

For many years based in Athens, Georgia, Hood moved to Portland, Oregon, in 2015. The Drive-By Truckers have just launched a US tour that brings them to Los Angeles’s El Rey Theatre on February 9.

¤

SCOTT TIMBERG: Let me start at the obvious place. In your writing, you often look at the South, at the complexity of the region’s history. And there’s a whole bunch of writers who’ve done this before: Faulkner, Eudora Welty, Flannery O’Connor. I’m just wondering what, if anything, these people have meant for you?

PATTERSON HOOD: I probably first became aware of that type of thing, as a genre of literature, when I was assigned To Kill a Mockingbird in high school. That was the first book I was forced to read at school that I actually loved and connected with. I fell in love with it, and the character of Atticus Finch reminded me of a very beloved relative of mine, who was kind of like a second father to me — so I really connected hard with that. And then later, in high school or in college, I read Faulkner a bit … I was too young to really get it. But it was a short story, “Barn Burning,” that I first read, and that was a good entry point, because I totally dug it, and got it, although I don’t think I would have been ready to read As I Lay Dying or anything. I love reading. I’m a fanatical reader.

And that goes back to childhood for you?

Maybe off and on. I remember times in childhood when I read a lot. I loved Old Yeller as a child — I really loved that book. And like everyone, I read Charlotte’s Web, although I don’t think I liked it as a kid. I read it to my son, actually, a couple of years ago, and fell in love with it. But I don’t think as a kid I was able to get past the fact that it was romanticizing a fucking spider. I have arachnophobia, so it was a bit of a leap on that one. So yeah, I went through periods of reading and not reading, I guess because it reminded me too much of school, and I hated school and everything about school at that time. I had to get past rebelling against it in order to enjoy it.

Yeah, I think a lot of us, especially boys, go through that phase, even if they become serious readers later. So when you were reading Harper Lee and the Faulkner story, and maybe some other stuff, what did you respond to, what made you want to go back to it, besides the fact that it was about the part of the country you live in? Did you feel it helped you make sense of the South?

Yeah, I probably just responded to the dialect, because that’s the way my people talked. And I responded to some of the manners — you know, the manners that everybody had, even the villains, who were these kind of ignorant, white trash, really terrible people in To Kill a Mockingbird. They still had a certain amount of decorum about them. When they weren’t spitting in Atticus’s face, there was still a certain amount of “Yes, sir” and “No, sir” involved. And that was beat into me as a kid, you know.

So even though terrible things were happening, in a way, you felt like you were home?

Sure, sure. And I had a similar thing with R.E.M., early R.E.M., I fell in love with them really early. About two weeks before Murmur came out, I got turned on to Chronic Town, and in the press in those days, people talked about, “Oh, you can’t understand the lyrics, you can’t decipher what he’s saying.” But these things tended to be colloquialisms, which I could decipher. There’s a song by a side project called The Golden Palominos, and I remember reading a review by someone who couldn’t decipher what Stipe kept saying, like the hook. And it’s “fixin’ to go” — that’s all he’s saying is “fixin’ to go,” he’s fixin’ to go!

Of course, there’s more to being Southern than just a manner of speech. When did you get a sense that a key element of Southern literature was the question of race? How did Southern literature change the way you understood black people or the racial rift in the region?

Yeah, I can’t remember a time that I wasn’t aware of race, and the South’s role in that story. I don’t think there was ever a point in my life that I wasn’t, at some level, aware of it, because of what my dad did. He made his living playing on Aretha Franklin and Wilson Pickett records, when they literally weren’t allowed to go out to dinner with him, and so he brought that home, you know — the anger over that came home with him. And we’d see George Wallace on the television screen and my dad would just start frothing at the mouth. But we have family members who I’m sure voted for Wallace, and whom I love dearly.

So there was always that disconnect. I was also aware of the generation gap, of the ’60s, the cultural revolution that was playing out in my family too. My parents came of age in the ’60s, and my dad smoked pot, and rode a motorcycle, and had a beard and long hair, and my mom wore go-go boots and hot pants … And I spent an enormous amount of time with my grandparents and my great-uncle, who were from the Depression generation. And so I kind of viewed the counter-culture, the culture clash, from a front-row seat as I was growing up, and I think that’s probably part of my attraction to dualities in my writing and the stuff I do.

It sounds like you didn’t need Harper Lee to show you that race was an obsession in the South — you were seeing and living that every day.

Absolutely. And it’s funny, because I haven’t read the other book of hers that came out. I own it, and I plan to — it’s really just a matter of time … I’m aware of its flaws, but I do want to read it, because I’m interested in that. I’ve actually written a piece, a song that kind of deals with that, because when a New York Times critic actually reviewed the book, it was the week after I moved to Portland. I read that piece in The New York Times, and I literally broke down and cried. I got so upset at Atticus Finch. I got really, really mad for a couple of days.

And then I had this epiphany that it’s absolutely right, that it was important. I believe that she was of sound mind in deciding to put that out, because I think it was important — not to disillusion everybody of their hero, or to make everybody that named their kid Atticus wince — but because that’s how it was. That is the truth.

We’re talking about the fact that Atticus, who’d been this hero of racial justice, became sort of a segregationist, a racist …

It made me mad and upset, but once I got past that, it totally rang true to me.

In the ’30s he was defending this man who was wrongly accused. It offended him on a human level that Tom Robinson was accused of a rape he obviously didn’t commit, but that don’t mean Calpurnia could sit at the table with Atticus at dinnertime. That’s a different line. When African Americans were demanding equality, that crossed a different line, and all of a sudden Harper Lee saw her father, her beloved father figure — who to her represented the side of right and justice — all of a sudden she saw him as a hypocrite. And she wrote this thing first, in anger, and then she went back and wrote, from the view of her childhood, the book that everyone knows and loves.

That rang so true to me, and I wrote a song that, at this point, has never been recorded. I’m still hoping to do something with it. It’s called “At a Safe Distance.” When you look a little closer, not at a safe distance, you tend to see things that aren’t so pleasant — you see the cracks. It really rang true to me; I wish it didn’t.

I guess you could say this about all literature, but it seems that, more than any other, Southern literature is based on history. I wonder if you ever went back and read any Southern history, journalism about the South, about the Civil Rights movement, or any of that? You’re kind of born into the middle of the Civil Rights era — ’64, right?

1964, yeah. I was born either at the last moment of the Baby Boom, or at the first moment of Generation X. I’m right on the cusp, as was my mother, who was born the day before the bomb was dropped on Hiroshima, which is the official start of the Baby Boom. Her birthday’s August 5, so with the time change, she was probably born about the exact moment that the Baby Boom started.

So yeah, all of that fascinates me. I’m obsessed with the Robert Caro books on Lyndon B. Johnson, which goes back to the duality thing, because he was the ultimate dual president. I mean, he was the best and the worst, and sometimes at the exact same moment. Sometimes he would say the worst thing possible when doing something amazing, and vice versa. He could be surprisingly eloquent as he’s just fucking you. He’s a never-ending source of fascination to me, and the fact that such a gifted writer has literally spent 50 years of his life chronicling this guy — I get off on that too. I’ve read all four books that have appeared so far, and I’m eagerly awaiting the fifth and final one.

Was Johnson a sort of Texas racist who grew up and saw racial reality? Or was he an opportunist?

He was all of the above. Caro’s take on it, I think, is that he is all those things, and more, at the exact same time.

When people say, “Oh, he didn’t really mean that — he just did the Civil Rights thing because he knew it would be good for his historical legacy.” Well, sure, he knew it would be good for his legacy, but he very well knew that it meant the South wouldn’t vote Democrat again for 50 years, which it hasn’t. It was the beginning of the great migration of Southern Democrats to the GOP. And when he did those things, he purposefully fucked over people who had helped him his entire career.

And yet, he was absolutely a Jim Crow guy for most of his career. And all of those things coexisted within him at the same time, and I think all along. He did have some awakenings at a young age, he did know extreme poverty, and he taught at a school that was pretty much all Latino students. And I think he was very moved by their plight, and he took that with him forever. And yet he was willing to put that in a box and not deal with it for many, many years, building a career as the LBJ that the Kennedys hated so much.

Your dad’s music, and the music you play with the Truckers, it’s all grounded in the blues and R&B. And the Truckers were founded, in some ways, as an homage to hip-hop …

Sure, sure. Though none of us would have tried to rap. But we were immersed in it. I really responded to how hip-hop seemed to be telling you the news — what was going on right now. Modern-day country was more about retro things. I wanted to sing about what was happening now, but in a country style.

Did any of this lead you into African-American literature, especially essays, from the South or elsewhere?

I got into it really late, really recently. Through reading Ta-Nehisi Coates I tried to learn more about James Baldwin, and then I Am Not Your Negro came out last year, which was so amazing. There are so many books; I’ve only scratched the surface. I can spend the rest of my life reading every day, and not even read a fraction of the things I’m really interested in.

Anything you’ve gone back to and loved the second time?

I love Mark Twain. I made it a point to reread Huckleberry Finn at a much older age, after loving it as a kid. Reading it in my 40s was great. What a remarkable piece of work. I do like reading the classics. I was turned on to Hemingway really late. I responded to the style — it’s like the opposite of Faulkner, whom I also love. Instead of long sentences, reall short, concise ones. I respond to both forms. Hemingway’s stories are so devastating; there’s no way to improve them. I loved A Farewell to Arms. I stumbled upon it accidentally. I was at my in-laws’ house and may’ve been sick, was cooped up, it was a rainy day. They had the book; I picked it up, read the first chapter, and couldn’t put it down. I read the whole thing in like a day and a half.

Your old bandmate, Jason Isbell, is reputed to be a very literary cat. Did you guys turn each other on to books and writers when you were in the Truckers together?

We probably have more since we quit playing together. When we were playing together, we were in the eye of the storm. That was a crazy time. He turned me onto Peter Matthiessen, a trilogy of books that he rewrote as one book, Shadow Country, set in Florida in the Everglades, post–Civil War, when they were first settling that part of the country. It was kind of the last frontier. All of these outlaws that had been put out of business in the West being ended up down there. It was riveting — and one of Jason’s favorite books. He’s very well read, and a great writer in his own right.

Your last record, American Band, was your most explicitly topical. You wrote about racial violence and social tensions that were exploding around you. Did your reading of essayists, novelists, or anything else help shape that album?

I was reading Ta-Nehisi Coates’s Between the World and Me when I was in the midst of writing that record. I had already written “What It Means,” and I was going through a period of questioning: Did I have a right to write such a thing? Reading his book, I kept asking, “What can I do?” Maybe this is a small part of what I can do. Maybe there does need to be a goofy white dude, in a rock ’n’ roll band, with the following that it has, that can say Black Lives Matter. Maybe that is important. I didn’t write that song from the perspective of a black man being shot by police — I wrote it from the perspective of a goofy white dude, like me. Seeing this happening around me and saying, “This is wrong. Why are we at this place in 2017? Why is this still a thing?” And unfortunately, the song doesn’t have answers, it’s just questions. But at least questioning is a start, a beginning.

¤

Scott Timberg is the editor of The Misread City: New Literary Los Angeles and author of Culture Crash: The Killing of the Creative Class.

The post All the Poets (Musicians on Writing): Patterson Hood appeared first on Los Angeles Review of Books.

from Los Angeles Review of Books http://ift.tt/2nwKRsu

[machihunnicutt]

Small Hot Chocolate, No Whip (Chapter 2)

(Or read on ao3.)

Chapter 2: Evan

Evan couldn't figure out whether he was happy or upset. He felt tingly all over and when he got home he tripped over Jared's shoes in the doorway.

"Dude did you fall?" The owner of said shoes said, coming out into the hallway. His glasses were crooked and he was wearing pajama pants and a t-shirt despite the fact it was only 7:30. They were alike in that respect. He and Jared had been on the edge of close for most of high school: Jared was kind of mean for a while and then it happened and there was a lot of talking and a few confessions and somewhere along the way they became friends. School was easier with Jared there.

He was a computer science major with more friends than Evan could even comprehend. King of the nerds he'd dubbed himself.

"A little. Can we talk?"

Jared's eyebrows rose in amusement.  "Sure, what's up?"

"Zoe," he started, chewing on his bottom lip. "Has a brother."

"Zoe, the barista love of your life?"

"She's n-not the l-love of my...I think her brother was flirting with me."

"Holy shit. Is he hot? Do you like him?"

Evan passed him in the hallway and collapsed on his bed. Jared followed him. "Evan Bisexual Hansen are you COURTING?"

"Leave me alone Jared," he said, blushing ridiculously. "He's just...he's cute okay? And now I'm c-conflicted."

Jared cackled. "This is the funniest shit I've heard all week and the newest John Oliver was really good."

Evan buried his face in his comforter and moaned. He wasn't good at this sort of thing. He wasn't good at a lot of things but he certainly wasn't good at this. Connor walking him home had felt like something, but today he'd been largely ignored after trying to help him outside of the cafe. Maybe he'd realized how pathetic Evan was and wanted to cut things off before they went too far? Maybe Evan had unknowingly said something offensive?

"Dude, are you okay?" Jared said after awhile of this.

"'M fine," he said, voice muffled.

"Alright," he said, giving him a comforting pat on the back. "I'm ordering pizza. "If you want to talk about your coffee siblings kink further you know where to find me."

The next day Evan was early to his climate lecture. He wasn't as early as he was the first day. Petrified of being late, he'd shown up nearly an hour and a half early and sat, knees curled to his chest in the overly air conditioned hallway. He took his usual seat in the third row and pulled out a notepad.

Dear Evan Hansen,

Today is going to be a good day and here's why:

Jared promised to go over your notes with you so you won't worry that you missed or misunderstood something. Connor Murphy is nice and has a cute smile and you don't have to see him today so you can think about what yesterday meant. You have leftover pizza for lunch.

You're doing okay.

Sincerely,

Me

The letters were no longer a therapy assignment but they made him feel better so he'd kept up the habit. He flipped over to his notes and scanned the shaky handwriting. Sometimes he had a question but was too afraid to ask it and his own fear and guilt over not being able to articulate himself made him nervous and he started shaking and spacing out and that was when his handwriting went to shit.

Today's lecture wasn't as bad. He understood all the concepts they discussed and his letters stayed even and legible. After class he made a beeline for the library, walking with purpose so he didn't have to talk to anyone. He had some homework and when he was finished he went up to the fourth floor where the windows were big and the view was better and found a book on the world's coolest trees.

"Are you stalking me Hansen?" He looked up. Of all people, he did not expect to see Connor Murphy here. For half a second he thought he was there to say something mean. But he was smiling kindly and Evan felt guilty. Connor crossed his arms over his chest. Connor was tall: all angles and lean muscles. Today he had the same black hoodie rolled up to his elbows and a new gray v-neck. Evan noticed the mess of friendship bracelets and hair bands covering both of his wrists and the new coating of black polish on his nails. His hair was glorious as usual, though it looked soft and fluffier today.

"Connor!" He jumped. "I didn't know you'd be here. I was...distracted."

Connor tugged on the strap of his messenger bag and Evan felt his eyes  looking him over. He worried that there was something on his shirt or face. C'mon Evan just communicate.

"I um...are y-you angry w-with me?" He said, feeling his heart pound rapidly. "Yesterday you seemed k-kind of..."

"No," Connor interrupted. Evan forced himself to look up at him. His eyes were big and sad. "No, I'm sorry. It was just a bad day. It wasn't you."

"Oh," He said dumbly. "Okay good. I was wondering then if we might e-exchange emails that is...if you'd want to t-talk to me and uh...be f-friends?"

"Emails? I could just give you my number?"

Emails? Emails! You idiot why would he want to talk to you in the 90s. He might well have asked if their moms could set up a play date.

"Oh! Right, your number. Y-yeah, that's fine."

"Here." He pulled a Sharpie out of his back pocket and gestured for Evan to stick out his hand. Evan was suddenly preoccupied with the idea that his hand might be so sweaty the whole message would wipe off.  "Is it chill if I write it on the back of your hand?" Instead of saying this he nodded.

"Nice to see you Hansen."

"Yeah, n-nice to see you too Connor."

Jared had trivia night at the bar down the street. Thanks to him his team was undefeated. He'd invited Evan to come watch numerous times but going meant being around fellow 19 year olds with fake IDs sipping beers he was entirely uncomfortable with.

Evan thought he was probably the most vanilla college student in existence, not that Jared ever hassled him for it or that he planned on changing his behavior.

He was almost 20 and he'd never even kissed anyone. If that could change maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing.

Because Jared wasn't there to tell him not to, Evan pulled up his Instagram and searched for Connor. Careful not to like any old photos, he scrolled through his profile with interest.

Zoe was in most of the posts. He could tell they were close. On her birthday he'd made her an ice cream cake and posted a multi paragraph caption about how lucky he was to have her in his life. Evan grinned at the older photos where he was shorter and less lean and his captions were riddled with typos.

He stopped on a photo of Connor at what appeared to be a Pride parade. His grinning face was painted: rainbow streaks beneath his shining eyes and hair swimming with glitter. Beside him, and Evan finally put two and two together then, Zoe was kissing her no doubt girlfriend who was tagged as Alana.

Connor Murphy wasn't straight. That was a sign as encouraging as the photos of Zoe Murphy's girlfriend were discouraging.

The conversation in the coffee shop the next day went about as well as could be expected until Evan let slip that he was a creepy Instagram stalker. And then the business about his broken arm...

He knew Connor didn't mean any harm but he wasn't in the habit of telling people about the time he threw himself out of a tree and laid there pathetically friendless, sobbing about how he should've died but didn't. It didn't seem like the kind of detail you revealed to a boy you liked.

He hoped he was serious about the nature walk. Despite his stumbling speech he had a whole tour planned in his head. It was dumb but when Evan was in a forest he felt at peace. His limbs that usually stirred with unwanted activity quieted; his thoughts that circled menacingly slowed and straightened out into neat and gentle lines. In the forest he didn't feel like everyone was looking at him. His flaws were not on display and he could breathe in the fresh air without worrying that he didn't deserve to.

Connor Murphy looked like he would be good at climbing trees. He could probably reach branches Evan couldn't. He was probably fast.

***

Evan didn't know how he got here. That happened sometimes when his panic was intense. The lines between past and present blurred and he got the feeling that someone had dragged a big pink eraser through his brain.

He knew he was shaking. He knew he was drawing in raspy, shallow breaths and that his face was wet with tears. After a moment it came back to him. He was locked in the bathroom at the coffee shop, curled up pitifully on the tile, and the walls seemed to be crashing in on him.

There was a knock on the door. He curled in tighter. "Hey Evan? Is that you in there?" Connor sounded worried. He didn't want to worry him.

"I...y-yeah," his voice quivered terribly. "I'm fine."

"Are you sure? Are you sick?"

"I had an uh...a p-panic attack," he said. "S-sorry to..."

"Evan can I come in?" He interrupted.  His voice sounded tight. "Please."

Evan got up and wiped his face with his hands. His head spun and vision swam but he crossed the room and unlocked the door. He couldn't meet Connor's eyes.

"Come in the back. I'll get you some water. Do you want to take my hand?"  

Evan nodded despite himself. Connor's hand was warm and his grip was firm. He let himself be led to a chair in the back room. Connor sat him down and brought him a cup of water. He sipped from the cup and felt his breathing slow. Way to go Evan. Now he knows you're a quivering mess and you probably have snot all over your face.

"Sorry," he muttered, looking up at Connor. "I'm really sorry for c-causing all this trouble."

Connor ran a hand through his hair. "Don't be sorry. You're fine. I just want to make sure you're okay. Do you want to talk about it?" Connor chipped at the nail polish on his thumb and his brows furrowed. "I mean I know we're not...I um," he blushed. "I just want to help. You kind of scared me."

"I'm sorry," he repeated.

"No," Connor's eyes widened. "I didn't mean it like that. I...I'm sorry Evan."

What was he sorry for? Evan was the one having a break down in public. Evan was the one whose breath still felt a bit shallow and very existence a bit worthless. He was making progress, he really was. He just wasn't making any today. Just because you feel like you're taking a few steps back today doesn't mean you won't roll doubles and move forward a lot tomorrow. Jared said to him once. It wasn't the first board game metaphor he'd thrown at him.

"Evan," Connor repeated and Evan realized he'd been staring at him like an idiot.

"T-there's no r-reason for you to be s-sorry. I'm the one who got a D on my test and is probably going to flunk out of school and end up living in a box and then I'll be basically friendless and homeless and I'm sorry I can't be rational about that and have to panic in your bathroom like a pathetic child and..."

"Evan." He liked it when Connor said his name. It was gentle. Connor didn't look like the kind of guy who could speak like that. But Evandidn't like judging people based on stereotypes.  "One bad grade doesn't mean you're going to flunk out, believe me," he said slowly. "And having a panic attack doesn't mean you're pathetic or a kid. It's okay," he said, insistent. When Evan sniffled he reached forward to put his hand on his shoulder. Evan flinched and then felt bad.

"I'm sorry." Connor drew back.

"Don't be," he said. "Let me walk you again. I can talk Alana into getting you a free hot chocolate. "

"Okay," Evan said. His face was probably so red. Great, red, snot covered, hiccuping now and he was still offering to spend more time with him. "You're really nice," he blurted. Maybe it was a Murphy sibling thing.

Connor laughed. "I'm not that nice."

Evan took small sips of the free hot chocolate and stole glances at Connor Murphy beside him.

"I freak out during tests sometimes. It uh...when I have trouble I tend to s-shut down," he muttered. It wasn't as if he had to keep up false pretenses anymore.

"Have you talked to any of your professors about your anxiety?"

He should. He'd told himself to numerous times but he always seemed to get in his own way. "I can deal with it," he said instead.

"I know," Connor said with a confidence that admittedly, Evan didn't feel. They were at his place. The lights were on and Jared's car was in the driveway.

"Thanks," Evan said. "For everything." Connor Murphy smiled at him and how could he not have a crush on this boy?

"It's going to be okay," he said seriously. He seemed to blend in with the blackness of the night. When Evan was little he was afraid of the dark. He begged his mom to leave the lights on in his bedroom and cried when she didn't. Connor Murphy made the dark seem like a big, warm blanket tucked beneath your chin.

"Thanks," he repeated because it was better than saying sorry.

"You're welcome Evan Hansen." Jared would say he should have invited him in for coffee but it seemed dumb to ask a barista that and he wasn't daring. The panic attack had drained him and Evan didn't have a lot to drain in the first place.

"Hey, um..." Connor's mouth fell open and his awkward start hung for a moment. "My sister's having a music showcase on Friday and I was wondering if you might want to come with me? It would be nice to have a friend there you know?"

A friend.

"Sure. Text me the details." Connor Murphy isn't completely repulsed by you.

"Okay, well goodnight."

"Goodnight."

He got the text while he was brushing his teeth:

CM: showcase is at 7. I can pick u up early and we can get dinner? ps: I think ur really brave Hansen. That's probably weird to say but fuck it.

Fuck it.

[nachiroux]

so i wrote up a review/rambling about persona 5

you can either read it [here on twitlonger] or you can read it placed underneath the read more cause its super long and i dont want to make your dashboards gigantic

Persona 5: My Thoughts since it has been consuming my soul for the past few weeks, I thought it was about time I wrote up my thoughts proper on Persona 5 and not just some weird half sentence that I garbled at the bottom of the ocean. i'm not really formatting this much it's gonna be a lot of rambling and a bit scattershot but please bear with me. lets do this in categories and then an overall, shall we GAMEPLAY, THE BATTLE PART: How You Gonna Shoot With A Toy Gun the gameplay of Persona 5 is, well, incredible. it takes the one more system used since Persona 3 and refines it to an absurd degree. while the weaknesses of shadows still kind of don't make sense at all and the guessing game aspect of battles remains, everything else has been improved. battles are really, really fast and super satisfying. attacks look good and snappy, and nothing feels like it's dragging too long. but what Persona 5 adds to this mix that really puts it over the edge is demon negotiation. not only does it bring some of the most interesting aspects from Shin Megami Tensei proper into Persona (using your enemies as your new strength), it also gives a lot more value and strategy to knocking dudes down. in P3 and P4 your party members would ask "hey we gonna all out attack fam" and there was never really a time you would say no because, why? but in P5, a full knockdown results in a holdup, where you can extract money, items, or the demon itself as a persona out of the mix, as well as being able to just do an all out attack. this is F A N T A S T I C. it enhances a lot of aspects of the battle system, and really makes hitting weaknesses and figuring out what to do more satisfying. and as the icing on the cake, P5 added the baton pass system to battles, making them even more fluid and satisfying. in short, it lets one character, after hitting a weakness, pass their extra turn to another character, while boosting their stats for that attack. it allows for a lot more strategy and creativity, where your whole team can contribute. some of the most fun I've had with turn based battles. GAMEPLAY, THE RUNNING PART: I Gotta Have Me A Good Steal one of the more lackluster portions of Persona games was wandering around in dungeons, whether it be a giant tower to the moon or some bathhouse. outside of visual elements, they all bled together. floors were randomly generated to some extent, and you just wandered around, grabbing some items and fighting shadows that randomly spawn. it was serviceable, but nothing spectacular. P5 takes this and cranks everything up to 11 million. proper dungeons are now actually designed experiences, with shadows and layouts specifically made for each dungeon. every dungeon has its own mechanics and style that plays up the unique aspects of the person whose heart you're traipsing around on. but the biggest change is the way your character moves. with a full stealth system that's a blast to use, jumping from hiding spot to hiding spot, a lot of P5's dungeons are somewhat stealth oriented. being seen by shadows raises security and makes things harder, and if you're seen too much you gotta bail. but through ambushing enemies, you can undo the security raises of your mistakes, while also getting the huge advantages of an ambush. as well, being able to climb around the environment, jumping up walls and flipping around just feels and looks great. god damn. and just in case you really miss those randomized dungeons, don't worry! there's a fun and not too long randomized dungeon a la tartarus/midnight channel in the game too! GAMEPLAY, EVERYWHERE ELSE: I Can't Believe This Is Three Parts. Jeez here's where persona 5 doesn't make astronomical leaps and bounds forwards, but just some nice improvements. outside of dungeons/battle P5 follows the Persona formula. everything's on a timetable, and you can do one (1) thing in the day and one (1) thing in the evening, except if you A: are in a story event where for some reason your free time goes missing B: go to a dungeon and can't hire your teacher to give you a massage C: your cat says you're sleepy the overworld of P5 and the various locales in it are pretty interesting and fun to walk around in, but there's a lot of areas that exist solely for hanging out with confidants. if you just play properly though you really don't get much to any use out of them, and that's kind of disappointing for me. I wanted to visit more zones but what we have is very memorable. what P5 adds to the formula is the various boons granted by confidants, most notably Temperance (which you should really max ASAP that's a pro-tip) that will change certain things in daily life and in dungeons, but we'll get to that part later. from giving you access to more jobs, to allowing you more free time in class, to unlocking more fortune telling options, there's a lot of stuff to do. P5 also has a small selection of minigames to pass the time, from B A S E B A L L to F I S H I N G to C R O S S W O R D S and more. what's nifty is each minigame also can serve a practical purpose and raise social stats but we'll get there. the map showing you if confidants will rank up or not is nice, and fast travel is very generous in this game. not much else to say here. I don't get lost so that's nice SOCIALIZING: Who Taught You ___, Nasty Crime Boy ah.... confidants. aka social links, they're the meat of the non-dungeon crawling experience of P5. like in previous games, most major story characters that aren't complete scum or trying to kill you will have confidants, with ranks 1-10. this is where the visual novel/dating sim components show up, and there's not a ton to say here so i'll keep my rambling down to a minimum. each confidant has their own little side story that you partake in when they're free, where you read and then give answers when prompted. it can go as menial as "hey wanna go eat ramen" to "please come with me to help me save a little girl's life." based on your answers, you get points towards the next link. this game does something nifty where when you get points (1-3 notes) there will be a little additional uh, graphic and sound that plays that's kinda subtle but tells you that you have enough points to immediately rank them up again. that's a really good addition. you can romance people too, and you can romance EVERY girl in the game. who cares how much older than you they are just do it loser (don't actually) but here's where confidants change a lot in p5 from past things. in P3 they kinda were just to fuse hot personas, while in P4 they were mainly for that but also unlocked some abilities, but not a ton. mainly party members. in P5, every confidant gives several abilities that will greatly enhance your experience with the game and make your character grow a lot stronger. from giving party members the ability to endure blows and baton pass, as well as recover from ailments, to the even more absurd non party member abilities. some confidants let you swap party members in battle, allow you to breeze through negotiation, get double money, reduce security levels, buy and modify weapons, get free time in class, read fortunes and get bonuses based on that, and so on. this makes (nearly) every confidant not just useful on a "hey man i wanna fuse a good persona" level, it makes them invaluable to your characters growth. it makes the visual novel part much more important, and more enjoyable. plus they're (nearly) all fantastic little stories that flesh out each character and the world around you. lastly and real fast, most confidants will give you a mission to go complete in the other dungeon, mementos, in order to help them through their struggles and advance their story. these minibosses give out a lot of good money, items, and exp, as well as being a fun part of the story and something else to do in mementos. it's neat. oh yeah and confidants are now no longer on such a rigorous schedule like previous games, and a lot more accessible and free flowing. its nice SOCIAL STATS: Eating A Burger Made Me The Perfect Man i'm devoting a whole section to this. buckle up kids. P5 has 5 social stats, knowledge, guts, proficiency, kindness, and charm. each of them has 5 levels of progression. (you start at 1). some stats, like proficiency, give tangible boosts. however, almost all social stats are progressed solely for the sake of starting and advancing confidants. you need X level knowledge to start Y confidant, you need X level proficency to advance Y confidant at rank Z, and so on. raising social stats is accomplished through various overworld activities and whatever, and take up time. however, in order to max all confidants, and most of them honestly, you're going to need rank 5 in every social stat. sure, fine, its a conscious design decision. here are my complaints, notarized 1: first time through, it's not communicated well what activity boosts what, but more importantly how MUCH each activity boosts a stat. 2: while you can check what stage each social stat is at, there is no way to tell how much you've progressed to the next rank. just pour it in and pray. 3: some stats (KINDNESS) are very difficult to raise optimally as they may require rng events to give you the full 3 note boost as opposed to 2 notes. 4: some confidants give you social stats which WOULD be good but they only give you them on rank up. outta here w/that without prior knowledge, your first month or two of P5 is gonna be filled with poor scheduling decisions because how could you know that X activity is actually terrible for raising the stat you want? and since it takes up time (usually an evening slot), it really hurts your confidants overall. with good decisions and scheduling, you can actually max confidant (minus autos that will just progress through plot) with nearly a month to spare, but that waste and sufffering of the start may make you miss out on several confidants. it's a good idea, but still needs work and feels really cheap sometimes. (WHY DO I NEED 5 PROFICIENCY TO HELP A GIRL GARDEN WHAT THE FU) PLOT: Ya'll Wanna Read Some Anime this will be much lighter than the rest because I don't wanna spoil the plot so here's very broad strokes. the plot of Persona 5, overall, is very compelling and enjoyable. it's not perfect by any means, and has its dips in quality (anyone want a burger), but I enjoyed pretty much the whole thing. we'll get into characters separately BUT i found the narrative to be much more engaging than Persona 4 and as compelling as Persona 3. it's much darker than P4, but still maintains moments of levity and fun, even when dealing with serious issues. its take on rebellion, the subconscious, and shadows are all very enjoyable. it does suffer from a few frankly stupid conflicts between party members to build ~drama,~ but 99% of the time interactions between the characters and the world around them are wonderful. a real sense of camaraderie and friendship between the cast is evident and helps shape the narrative. it does suffer from a bit of "wow some of these kids are stupid/lack common sense" but its nowhere to the severity of Persona 4's "gee who is that on the tv gotta wait a week to find out" style stupidity to keep the plot rolling and not solve things instantly, but it will occasionally hit that type of thing. but that's a nitpick as it happens infrequently. to try and not spoil anything, the ending arc does suffer from a bit of P4 syndrome too wherein the last and true conflict kind of comes out of nowhere, but less so this time. it's still something I'll say is a minor problem, but the actual writing and gameplay/moments of the final arc ultimately redeem that. on replay you can see SOME hints but it's not built up enough In My Onion. hope i didnt spoil anything lets move on CHARACTERS: I Was Gonna Type Waifu Wars And Then Jesus Wept again, I will attempt to dance around spoilers here. I feel like the characters of P5, with how much emphasis is placed upon your bonds with them and the existence of the confidant system, deserve their own little writeup. with two exceptions I love every single major character/confidant in the game. one of them has their character arc go up in flames for a bit to stir up ~drama~ but ultimately regains its footing by the end, while the other just sucks. some confidants may be a bit slow to start (DEVIL) but by the end of each confidant i was very attached to each character, and was utterly charmed by them. the main cast are all extremely charming with full-ish character arcs approaching p3 level. in fact, one of my favorite smaller details in the game is the small conversations characters have while driving around in mementos. the writing and character banter is well written and charming, with characters all having their own distinct personality and vibe. this helps the school life portions of the game a LOT, as now school trips and various other events where in other games I cursed them for stealing my free time (mainly p4 but p3 has a few), they're snappy and fun. there's some anime thrown in there so if you can't stand a bit of melodrama and long winded rambling, then some things might not land as much for you as they did for me, but I feel that P5's characters have something for everyone. no matter who you are, you're going to love at least ONE of the many confidants available. ART/SOUND: I Have Listened To Whims Of Fate Over 100 Times And Don't Plan To Stop I'm no art critic and I'm not gonna pretend to be one so I'll keep this short. the art design in P5 is some of the best, if not the best I've ever seen, at least for my tastes. every little aspect of this game is incredibly stylized, from the more dramatic like all out attack finishers, to even the simple things like menus. everything is positively BURSTING with style and personality, all while functioning as a slick and fun interface. and I mean everything. even the text boxes. if you haven't played it, just look up the all out attack compilation. or look at screenshots of the menus. it's really hard to put into words just how happy it makes me. the color scheme of red, black, and white also reminds me a lot of persona 2 and i love you p2 please remake p2 as one complete game package atlus finally, the music. every single persona game (and nearly every megaten game) has a fantastic soundtrack, and this one is no exception. honestly? just go listen to it and see for yourself. the vibe/aesthetic they chose for P5 is one that I don't really have the ability to describe for I am an uncultured fool who plays games all the time, but it is SO good. while I still prefer the P3 soundtrack mainly due to bias, the p5 soundtrack is one of the most solid overall soundtracks in any game. to add to this, the sound DESIGN of p5 is also phenomenal. music changing with the weather, small details of adding instrumentation to a song over time and progression, and the use of leitmotif all really sell the game. the vocals still have a bit of "yeah thats a non native speaker singing english" but the songs are so good and the singing is so good anyways that it doesn't really matter. because its fun here's my p5 song ranking 1: whims of fate 2: with the stars and us 3: nothingness...? 4: days when my mother was there 5: life goes on/rivers in the desert 6: theyre all so good help OVERALL: I Am Erect in summation, this game is really, really, REALLY good. i'll wait for the dust to settle in my soul to rank it properly, but this is easily one of the most enjoyable experiences I've ever had in a video game. the best Persona game easily, and possibly the best SMT/Megaten game as well. this may sound like hyperbole but this game is genuinely everything I've wanted out of an RPG. atlus is really knocking it out of the park lately with SMT4: Apocalypse being one of the best RPGs ever made and now this. i cannot recommend it enough. even if you usually don't enjoy turn based RPGs I still recommend giving it a try. I usually hate visual novels, and I enjoyed every second of my tons of reading. just be warned, this is a longass game. my first playthrough took around 70 hours, and I generally get through games faster than most. ng+ is fun too to send this ridiculously long thing off, I will now proceed to list my top 10 characters of P5 because I love lists. 0-BIAS: Takemi 1: Futaba 2: Sae 3: Sojiro 4: Makoto 5: Yusuke 6: Iwai 7: Chihaya 8: Morgana 9: Hifumi 10: Kawakami GORO AKECHI: Goro Akechi THE WORST ONE: Shinya tl;dr: Persona 5 is one of the greatest games ever made and it made me feel alive thanks for reading everyone, and as a sinful man once said; "Please don't troll me online."

[noxstellacaelum]

No, it’s not just because the guy is hot ... and other BS about a female fan base (Looking at you Veronica Mars and Shadowhunters)

I wrote recently about how filtering female characters through the male gaze can cause a project’s “center of gravity” to shift away from the agency and autonomy of female characters. This is how we end up w/ stories where women are there (narratively) to be pretty arm candy, or objects of sexual desire, or romantic partners (half a ship) vs characters who shape their own romantic and life choices. This is how we get female characters subjected to endless, pointless pain and trauma — usually sexual assault/ rape narratives (GoT, Veronica Mars). Or female characters who sacrifice endlessly and forgive every transgression, so that a man can be redeemed/ understood/ forgiven. (Why else would Buffy forgive Spike?) As I said, I don’t think every silly, guilty pleasure TV show or movie has to be a feminist icon story. Men can tell good stories about women. And give me flawed, complicated, nuanced characters and relationships any and every day of the week. I prefer truthful storytelling, not a kind of hagiography w/a side of feminism for my female characters.

Still, I had to just shake my head — after gagging on my coffee — when I saw the recent TV Line article quoting a senior executive at HULU as saying that the negative reaction to the ending of S4 Veronica Mars was A-O-K b/c it was a testament to how much people love the show. And, that the end was all part of RT’s super-well-thought-grand-plan to make VM into a noir detective show where Veronica solves random mysteries in random places and has no friends, no family, no relationships — having been an asshole to everyone in S4. Never mind S4 Veronica’s questionable detective skills, as evidenced by her failure to figure out who was behind the bombings until it was too late. Yeah. Whatever.

Of course, I didn’t stop at the article. I had to look at the comments. The official RT fanboy line appears to be that people who hated the ending are basically weak, stupid (heterosexual, I guess) girls who are upset that we won’t get to look at Jason D’s abs anymore. Apparently, we just don’t understand RT’s art and vision. Sad, really.

And so it goes. Once again, female fans are reduced to unthinking, stupid, crying hordes upset when we don’t get our happily-ever-after.

This is such complete and total bullshit. I hated all of S4 Veronica. VM in S4 is an unrecognizable asshole. She mocks Logan for seeking help for his PTSD. She misses or ignores her dad’s health crisis. She’s casually racist. She randomly uses drugs w/ strangers. She’s terrible to her friends (Weevil). And she’s the worst detective ever. Killing Logan off as some kind of suffer porn for VM was just one more piece of the shitty story telling that was S4. Especially since there was zero narrative explanation of how or why smart, gritty teenager Veronica fell into the abyss of self-loathing, self-absorption and cruelty that defines her in S4.

To my mind, though, the mansplaining from HULU, RT and crew is one of many examples of how Hollywood dismisses female fans along with female characters. In addition to Veronica Mars, I’ve written about how Shadowhunters TV betrayed both its female characters and many of its female fans. And, just as happened w/ Veronica Mars, when people objected, the show runners and their shills told us that we didn’t understand the showrunners’ art or storytelling; that we were upset bc not all of the couples got a wedding, that fan fiction could sort out the narrative mess left after the finale. As if completely sidelining the protagonist and her romantic partner, then tacking on a rom com meet cute at the end, made it all ok.

It wasn’t OK. It was BS. And, depressingly, not a surprise when one examines how the show treated its female characters and fan base all along.

- Cassie Clare, the author behind the six book series, has hinted on her Tumblr blog that from the very beginning, the male producers and show runners behind the TV adaption did not value her heavily female fan base. The show even added a lot of computers/ tech (explicitly NOT canon in the Shadowhunters universe), and made a character a police officer (not a bookstore owner) and added a police procedural framework when it launched to attract an older male audience according to Clare. (Aside from the tech not canon issues, gender stereotyping on who likes computers much?!?)

More importantly, the storytelling around female characters, and the treatment of their sexuality, showed the lack of regard the show had for female characters and their fans. Where to even start:

- The show aged-up the characters — which I am totally on board with — but then cast an actor who is only six years older than Matt D. (he played Alec) to play Mayrse, Alec’s (and Izzy and Jace’s adoptive) mother. 6 years!?! There are plenty of skilled, age appropriate performers one could have picked. Don’t tell me that casting decision was the product of anything other than the male gaze.

- Book Mayrse is a complicated and not always likeable character. Totally cool. Show Mayrse exists in S1 of SHTV for the sole purpose of being bigoted and homophobic re Alec (with a side of slut-shaming for her daughter Izzy). Then, in S3, she exists solely to be punished (w/ a random de-rune-ing) and then redeemed for her homophobia by becoming “captain of the Malec ship.” S3 Mayrse seems to be entirely unaware that she has other children. Not Izzy. And not depressed, and suicidal Jace. A more richly observed character who is a mother would not act this way.

-Book Izzy is sexy and body positive. And a formidable warrior. Awesome. Show Izzy is often reduced to slutty eye candy in S1. She’s turned into a drug addict in S2. And, then, in S3 and the finale, she’s charged w caretaking duties for Jace (bc the show ignored the parabatai bond bw Alec and Jace and Mayrse was absent, as noted above). And, in the climactic fight scene, she’s disarmed by Clary (who had been training for a couple of months at that point) and needs to be saved by Simon, her non-Shadowhunter soon to be boyfriend. Simon is hugely heroic in the books, as is Clary, but their heroism is not at the expense of, or in place of, Izzy’s strength and heroism.

- Clary, the protagonist, is wholly sidelined in 3B and the finale. I won’t go down this rabbithole again, except to say that the show’s decision to strip Clary of her entire narrative arc — her mother, her father figure, her memories, her magic, her identity her chosen family, and her love — deeply, deeply betrayed the character and her fans.

- And, as I’ve written before, the dark Clary storyline seemed more about putting Kat M. In sexy clothes and having her act in a sexually aggressive way toward Jace (let’s call it what it was - the show hinted that she went down on Jace in a club while Jace was distraught over losing Clary and basically roofied) (bc sexually aggressive women are either slutty or evil on SHTV, I guess.). It made no sense.

-The whole Climon storyline was cringe worthy, and her weird shame-y commentary on Jace’s past sex life made no sense either.

- Maia hooking up w/ Jace behind a bar, and forgiving her attacker.

The list goes on and on.

I am sick and tired of Hollywood reducing female characters and female fans to unsophisticated, silly, shallow people looking only for the love of a (generally straight white) man. I am sick of shows sacrificing female characters and their fans to tell stories about other characters, even when those stories are worthy. (We shouldn’t have had to choose between, say, Magnus, Alec and Malec, and Clary, Jace and Clace.). I am sick of characters and fans serving as a mirror or vehicle for other characters’ stories.

Female fans watch TV. We buy movie tickets. We participate in fandoms. Stop telling us that we should be content w/ scraps from the storytelling table.

[justjoeyyy-blog-blog]

Day 1-10

Here is my journey so far on Carnival Imagination. If you're confused reading my posts then you're on the same track as me. Got thrown into this chaos some people call glamorous. So far I see it as a lot of hard work and trying not to get in trouble.

May 14, 2017 Day 1. Walked into my room to “meet” my roommate. She was sleeping and even though she heard me come in did not budge. So I went out into the hallway to cry so she wouldn’t hear me. When I got back she was showering. Finally we met and she didn’t say anything. I tried to ask her questions but she didn’t seem interested. Then she said bye and left. Another excuse to hysterically cry again. I unpacked and realized she’s using up a lot of what is supposed to be my space. This room is so small it’s humorous. I met two girls: Rain from Texas and Eleanor from England. They room together. Their room seems a little bigger than mine and it’s really cute. They’re super sweet and walked me around the ship. They even found parts of my uniform for me. They said I could join their “gang”. They’re around my age which is nice. Eleanor is dating a guy on the ship. I just got back to my room and have an hour until I have to find my supervisor again. I’m a sweaty mess. It’s impossible to get down from this bunk. I’m trying to relax and my roommate is watching a movie and the volume is ridiculously high. Rain and Elle said she’s mean. They said to watch out for the phillipinos. They said my roommate, Ems, is like 30…I’m so annoyed I want someone who will talk to me and help me through this. So unwelcoming. My schedule says I’ll be switching from O2 to Club Ocean throughout this first cruise. I seriously don’t know anything…my magazines fell down to her bunk and I asked if they fell to her and she didn’t say a word. Just handed them back to me. Wtf.

5-15-17 Day 2. Had to be at medical at 8 this morning. I stood there as everyone walked right past me and into the room. The doctor kept saying to stand outside the door and of course I was the only one who listened. Finally someone asked me what I was there for and she explained to me that I needed to go inside and get my medical and stand in line so they can check me. I don’t understand why no one was helping me in the first place. Getting ready this morning was awful. I had to use my phone flashlight for everything. And the shower was awful. It’s also impossible to get down from this freaking bunk it’s fucking terrible. Eating lunch alone. Caesar salad like from the vacation cruises. It’s actually delicious. This is fucking awful. I can’t stop crying and I feel so nauseous from the boat rocking. I worked from 12-5 in camp ocean on the little side and then had training 7-8. I was supposed to work circle c tonight but someone got sick and now I have to work 9-1 and I have to be somewhere at 845 tomorrow morning. My director Carolina is awful. She wouldn’t stop questioning me on my prior training before coming on board. She didn’t understand why I didn’t know certain things as if I’m supposed to know. I haven’t had time to do anything. I need to organize my stuff more and put my magnets on my name tag. Finally back in my bed. It’s 1:07. Tonight was actually really chill and easy. All these typical kids are so weird and say the weirdest things. My roommate just walked in ugh. So fucking awkward and weird. I’m living with a complete stranger. It was nice to have Elle and Rain to talk to today. I found an easier way to get up and down from my bunk but if my roommate is in her bed then I can’t do it. I only had 3 hours of a break today…my supervisor sucks. She’s so unfriendly. I talked to HR today about my contract and how I’m not supposed to be in camp ocean. That’s not what my contract says. I can’t wait to have access to my phone tomorrow. I’m scared it’s gonna make me upset though. Especially if I hear my mom or dads voice. I’m gonna go to sleep now. Hopefully Ems doesn’t fucking snore.

5-16-17 Day 3: Had to be at a training at 845 this morning for returning and new employees. They had everyone go around and say what they did on vacation even though she knew there was new people there. When I said it was my first contract everyone turned around and looked at me. I could not keep my eyes open during it. They had to cancel the second part of the training thank the lord because now I can go back to bed. In the training they talked all about being comfortable and welcomed and shit and I wanted to scream. Carolina had a talk with me today. She didn’t understand why I went to HR. I fucking hate her. She’s so rude. HR is there for people that need something. I needed to tell him what was going on and how it is wrong and he agreed. She kept saying okay? Do you understand? Yeah? And I would say yes and nod and she would laugh or shake her head because she didn’t think I understood. Then we had build a bear which was actually really fun. Just very loud and hot because of the lights. Then we went and ate at the lido deck. I ate too much. But I finally pooped!

5-17-17 Day 4: Today was MUCH better. I went to bed at 9 last night. Got up at 11. Ate. Came back and went back to sleep until 3. The boat is so freaking rocky and I feel so sick. I’m laying down which helps but when I’m working it’s so bad. None of my cruises have ever been like this. I’ve been eating sour gummy worms when I don’t feel good. The sugar definitely helps me. Tomorrow we get new people for a new cruise. I feel so shitty right now I don’t even want to sit up to take my medicine. Also Ems woke me up earlier because she was playing John legend so loud and singing along. I was like wtf. I feel like a lot of the time she doesn’t realize I’m up in my bunk. I also woke up to her snoring last night.

5-18-17 Day 5: what the actual fuck. I woke up to my roommate and her friends in our room watching a movie. With the sound on. No headphones. It kept me up for over 2 hours. It’s so rude. I wanna punch her. And she doesn’t leave any room for me. I don’t have any hooks or any room on the desk. And she has something in our bathroom that smells so weird. I’m at immigration right now. We’re stopped in Long Beach. I want to get off so bad and do something fun! I start in circle c this cruise with Alana and then Sunday I’m on my own! So scary. There’s still so much to freaking learn. The food we have is so fucking disgusting. All I’ve been eating in the mess hall is mashed potatoes and bread and butter. Thankfully I get to eat at the lido deck when there’s kids lunch and kids dinner. Otherwise I’d be screwed. I just ate my last sour gummy worm :( Thankfully there’s a candy store on board so hopefully they have some! Right now I’m just laying in bed eating some pretzels. My roommate just walked in so I said hi but that’s it. Hopefully she’s leaving. I keep seeing hot guys but I look like poop so I feel like they don’t even look at me. And I constantly have a resting bitch face because I’m so annoyed half the time. I also feel weird being alone because I feel like people realize I’m new and stare at me like I’m fresh bait or something. I got to talk to Alli and my parents on the phone today which was nice. I have so much Shit I have to read. And I have to pass a safety exam which makes me nervous. It’s 12 now. I don’t start work until 2:30. I’ll probably take a nap. There’s not much else to do because I don’t really know the rules yet and what I can and can’t do. It would be nice to go lay out on the deck. Once I get in the hang of things I’m excited to finally get to do stuff. Like go to a resort at one of our stops and also to see friends and family in Long Beach. That’ll be so nice 😊 Lol my roommate just walked out and didn’t even say bye. Today has been a good day. I did my first safety debriefing with Elle. I also helped register kids and walked around and passed out Circle C fliers. I random guest in the elevator gave me candy which was nice. I also participated in my first sail away party which means dancing with the guests. I was so sweaty. I don’t understand how everyone wears coats around and I’m literally dripping sweat. Stephanie (one of the youth girls) asked if I wanted to room with her today. I have a feeling Ems said something. I haven’t done anything wrong. But I did move the chair today and put my luggage underneath the desk instead. Oops. I’m curious if saying hi and bye isn’t a thing in Ems culture…or maybe she’s just rude. My dad wants me to switch rooms so this is perfect. Tonight I start at Circle C with Alana. She’s training me the next few days and then Sunday I’m on my own! Holy shit the boat just started rocking so bad. Lol my roommate just left and again didn’t say bye. What a bitch. Ugh she already came back. Worked circle c tonight with alannah. It went really well! The kids are super cute but some are weird and annoying af. This one family came in and the mom did not understand why her 8 year old was not allowed in our 12-14 club. She had 2 kids that were in that age range and we told her the other child would have to go to camp ocean. Her words “no they stay together. You make an exception” I explained to her it’s against our policy and she still insisted that “you’re gonna make an exception, thank you”. Eventually we had to call our director who also couldn’t get her point across to the family. They then complained to guest services who also said it is not allowed. At first they parents started walking out the door when we had already told them their youngest child cannot stay. Our club is not check in or check out so the kids can come and go as they please, which is a huge reason why we have the age policy. My roommate and I kinda talked but not really. She’s in charge of the O2 club and my club and hers do a lot of stuff together which is kinda awkward. She’s really silly and fun when she wants to be. Alannah said it’s nothing I’ve done, she’s just a tough one to crack. Not sure when I’m moving rooms. It’ll be good though because me and Ems have the same exact schedule which is hard.

Paolo Olesky

5-19-17 Day 6: I seriously can’t stop sweating. My hair looks like I just took a shower but really it’s just sweat. And everyone else are wearing their jackets and I’m here dropping sweat. I think it might be because I’m nervous and still figuring things out. It’s really nerve racking when it comes to talking to guests and making sure our behavior is up to carnivals standards. I worked in circle c from 12-5. It was seriously so much fun. The kids are awesome and also bring me ice cream :p I have to go back at 830 (in 2 hours) and I’ll be there until 1. I honestly don’t mind though because the kids are fun and we get to play games and do activities that I personally enjoy myself, like karaoke. The boat is super rocky as usual. I’ve been wearing these bands but don’t think they’re doing much. Dramamine has been helping though! But it’s not healthy to take that everyday for the next 3 months. Today Carolina told me that me and alannah are going to be rotating between circle c and club ocean……..which is not what I signed up for. Long story short: alannah has been in circle c the past couple of months to cover for the girl that left. Well I came to take over circle c but the office didn’t realize that alannah wanted it and actually already had an interview scheduled. So by the time my director emailed them back saying they didn’t need me, I was already on the plane. I really don’t want to be with the little kids but maybe it won’t be too bad. I’m drunk. Oops. I’ll tell you more tomorrow. I’m being so loud though because my roommate sucks and deserves revenge.

5-20-17 Day 7: I went out last night! There was a techno party in the crew bar. Then we went to the night club. I feel like shit though. My fucking roommate woke me up snoring alllllll night. I just had to go to a safety drill. My director picked me out of everyone…I had no idea what I was doing. And of course now I’m dripping sweat. I can’t wait to buy a fan. Slept all day until I had to work. And of course my roommate was snoring. I took a video of it too lol. When my dad snores if I make any noise he’ll stop but this girl was not buying it. I even turned my alarm on with my phone on full blast and she still didn’t wake up…like wtf. She sounded like a dying bear. Tomorrow Winslow is gonna pick me up. It’ll be nice to get off this damn ship. I have to take my safety exam tomorrow though and move rooms so it’ll be a busy day. Starting tomorrow I’ll be alone in circle c which is really exciting. The kids are super fun but when it comes to the parents I totally freeze up. My throat is starting to hurt. And last time that happened I felt like I was on my death bed. I took a NyQuil praying it helps before it gets worse. It’s been a longgggggg week. Tomorrow morning I get my keys to my new room. Which also means I gotta move all my shit. I’m excited to be on land though and get some stuff done. There’s so many rules with this job it’s crazy. So much paperwork and silly things that have to be done. It’s very confusing and just not needed at all.

5-21-17 Day 8: Today was a really good day. I woke up early and switched rooms. I made sure I was as loud as possible when I was moving my stuff because my rude ex roommate was sleeping. After moving in Winslow came and picked me up. I haven’t seen her in a freaking year. So crazy. We went to brunch with some of her friends and then we went to Rite Aid because I needed to buy some stuff. My supervisor Carolina pissed me off as usual. We were giving out wrist bands to the kids and she ran up to me and Eleanor asking why we were letting the tails hang off of the bands. She said she got a call from someone about it…like wtf. Me and Eleanor were making sure we clicked the extra band back under AKA the phillipino girl also handing out the bands was the one fucking up but of course nothing was said to her. Then Carolina bitched at me for not having my work phone when really she should’ve been yelling at Alana for giving me the phone dead with 0% battery. And no charger. Because she claims she doesn’t have one…….I did circle c by myself tonight. It was so much fun and I already really like the kids. I need to call the office about this whole switching thing because I don’t want to do it and it’s not fair to me.

5-22-17 Day 9: Today was a really good day. Besides the fact that I was startled when my alarm went off this morning and I banged my forehead on the metal shelf next to my bunk. My body is covered in bruises it’s really weird. I got to know a lot more of the kids today. They’re so hilarious. One of the kids though kept making Jewish jokes even after one of the girls (who is Jewish) asked him to stop. He drew a hitler mustache on his face and kept making jokes. Then some girl painted a swastika sign on her hand like wtf? The guy was also making black jokes it really made everyone feel weird (at least I felt uncomfortable). We got to see the magician today who was freaking amazing. He does this trick where he has a deck of cards. He asks one person to say their favorite card out loud. The girl chose 3 of clubs. He tells her to pretend to take it out of the deck, show everyone, then place it back in the deck face down (the other cards are face up) then he snaps his finger, takes the cards out of the box, and the card she pretended to flip over was actually flipped over. The guy is creepy and looks like madame zarooni from the movie holes. Like literally twins. Karaoke was really fun too. My old roommate Ems thinks she can sing and it’s cringeworthy. She sang all of me by John legend which is the same freaking song she was singing when she woke me up the other night. The cutest thing also happened. So the theme for tonight was imaginary Prom because everyone was dressed up for captains dinner. So one of my little boys hands me a piece of paper and asks me to give it to one of the girls in the club. I opened it up and it said “will you go to prom with me? Ps this is ethan”. It was seriously the cutest thing ever. I never realized imaginary prom consisted of playing wii and throwing glow sticks at one another. We also played capture the flag where I met this 15 year old who has already taken 3 AP classes…….I also have 2 kids in my club that are goth/emo and they say the saddest things! Half the time they’re joking but at the same time really mean it. They say their favorite color is black just like their souls and just weird stuff. They said I’m weird too so I’m allowed to join their group. They’re super sweet though and totally helped me clean up the club without me even asking. The place was a mess. These kids literally throw their trash on the ground as if it’s nothing. Well it’s 1:37 and I need to go to sleep. I can tell I’m starting to get a cold and I really need to stop it before it turns into something worse. And I’m very low on sleep. I can’t wait to have access to my phone tomorrow.

5-23-17 Day 10: Today has been a really good day. I had training this morning which actually answered a lot of my questions. Work was good too. We did crafts and talked. The 2 emo kids were saying weird stuff again and painting all their stuff black. They said they really like me though which makes me feel good. The emo girl said something under her breath about killing herself. One of the other girls turned to her and said why would you want to kill yourself? She responded and said I dunno, I hate myself, I tried to slit my wrists 2 weeks ago but it didn’t work. It completely broke my heart. Also while she was saying weird things one of the boys out loud said “she’s gonna commit suicide on day.” It baffles me that these kids (aged 11-14) are saying things like that. I think I’m gonna talk to the emo girl later one on one. She said she goes to counseling because she’s “messed up”. It just makes me so sad. And knowing that she likes me and likes to hang out with me makes me think she’ll feel comfortable talking. I actually just ate dinner with the 2 emo kids as well as the 2 Jewish siblings that are in my club. They’re super freaking weird but very mature so it’s easy to talk to them. I think I’m gonna get off the boat tomorrow with Elle. If not I’m gonna lay out. I don’t start until 4. I haven’t been outside at all besides at night time. My head is KILLING me where I hit it on that metal shelf. There’s a little bump now. My mom said she sent me a package so I’m looking forward to that. Alli said she did too. The only package I got so far is my medications lol. I think robin and Larry might come pick me up on Sunday. I desperately need a haircut 💇🏽