#was diagnosed by spotify wrapped today

[wispscribbles]

Ah yes, my ghostsoap playlist :)

[deemizer]

The Selfish and the Selfless

Warnings: adhd and autism talk, typical criminal minds violence possible idk, insecurities? panic attack mentions and one experience, though idk how to describe what i go through since feelings are foreign to me.

Parings: Aaron Hotchner x Fem!Reader

A/N: i got high and realized my adhd is worse and better when i'm this relaxed. idk man, i was cleaning and thought of this. i base most of the reader's issues as how i perceive them, though with my (possible autism since i haven't been professionally diagnosed) i don't understand what feelings are happening, like i need an owner's manual to navigate, understand and name each feeling. sorry, long rant, but in my defense, i'm high. idk if virgina has legalized marijuana or not, but let's just pretend the did for the sake of this fic.

---

Dating Aaron Hotchner was nice. Great, even. You often had doubts about why he loved you, especially since you started feeling constantly on edge, skin itchy, kinda uncomfortable. You knew why, but you wouldn't risk Aaron finding out. You didn't want to make him decide whether he wants Jack around weed or not, so you stopped smoking to relax just a couple of days before you went on your first date with Aaron. It's been a little over a month (38 days, 23 minutes, and 56, 57, 58 seconds, but who's counting?) and knowing Aaron's career and abilities that come with the job, you figure he knew something was wrong the minute the withdraws starting hitting you.

Not working at the BAU was probably a good thing, as people raising their voice often makes you go into a panic attack. You started working from home, doing a third shift computer job. That way, if Aaron ever needs an emergency babysitter, you're open. You can take him to school, sleep, go pick him up, and have a fun night before bed with the baby Hotchner, then go back to work again.

Jack loved your American Staffordshire Terrier, Layla. She was so gentle with Jack, and like you, she protects Jack like he is her own son. Aaron was weary about Layla given he hadn't been around many bully breed dogs, but the second he walked into the door, Layla chose him as her new person. She still protected you, but he was her favorite. And she typically didn't like men besides your grandfather .

You had had enough, and since you knew Aaron shouldn't be around as he was at work and probably wouldn't be home till well into the night, and Jack was with Jessica today and tomorrow, you took a couple of hits from the Snail battery and the highly potent cartridge. You haven't done so in so long, that even though you had medication that slowed the effect for a good ten minutes, you could already tell the high was going to be good. Layla walked behind you as you walked around the house, randomly moving on from chore to chore without finishing the previous, bopping your head along to the speaker you have for your spotify playlist.

You had given Aaron and Jack a key to your two bedroom house, which is probably why you didn't hear Aaron walk in, nor did you realize that Layla was no longer behind you. Hands wrap around you from behind, and you squeak loudly and flinch slightly as you startle.

"What the- Aaron! You scared the shit outta me!" You pant, forgetting about the hits and the more twitchy you are with a full body and mind relaxation.

"Sorry, sweetheart. Didn't mean to scare... you. What's that smell?" Aaron starts sniffing the air, and you can almost feel your face drain of color.

"Uh, what smell?" You ask, trying to keep your voice even. Attempting to take a step back, though Aaron's grip on your forearms stops you and draws his attention to you.

"What's wrong?" His eyebrows raise slightly in concern, though his frown deepens.

You can start to feel your breath quicken, as though you've been holding your breath for far too long. Your arms start to clench up, and cross to hold your chest. Hands forming a tight, white-knuckle fist, and your shoulders tense up to your ears.

"I uh, I'm sorry," Your voice is weak, and you start to tear up from both panic and embarrassment. This is the last thing you wanted to show him.

"Why are you sorry? Are you," He pauses, eyes working up and down to profile you. "You have autism."

You almost snort, forgetting your panic for a second. ADHD and being high does that to you. "Yeah. I told you on our second date. When we had a movie night at yours with Jack."

"You don't usually react this much. What happened? Are you okay?" His words cause you to sigh. Might as well get this over with.

"I smoke marijuana sometimes, when I'm overly stressed, or need a day to relax, go to sleep. Plus, with ADHD and autism, there's a thing called masking. I've done it for my entire life, without knowing I was masking, and without being able to take off the mask. So when I'm high, it calms my mind enough so that I can't wear the mask, and then in turn get to enjoy in having ADHD and autism, because it feels more natural. I stopped because of you and Jack. I could do without getting high so I didn't risk losing either of you. You mean more than my unmasking. I don't change my personality, other than shy till I know you, type of deal. Just the tics, forgetting words immediately, doing random things." You take a breath, which is shaky. You start to loosen slightly, given the fact that his frown has almost become a thin line. He doesn't seem angry, that of which you could tell.

You keep your hands gripping the opposite shoulder, but most everything else looses tension. He seems to sense the anxiety and relief, because he tries to smile, succeeding in only lifting one corner of his lips.

"Honey, I appreciate the thought of keeping Jack away from it, but that doesn't mean you have to stop feeling comfortable with yourself. I don't really mind, though we can discuss the details later. Is that the reason you've been slightly down lately?" You bite your lips and nod at his question, looking down to your feet that touch Aaron's toes in his work shoes.

"I uh, thought that if you couldn't be with me because of it, I would stop and it wouldn't bother me. I haven't been in a good state of mind, and I didn't really know how you'd react. I can't really judge things like that anyway. I just didn't want to loose the one good thing I feel like I've earned. Being lonely and touch starved really messes with one's mind. Being an introvert doesn't help either." You scratch your neck, kind of nervous to look up.

His hand comes up to your jaw, and you lean into it, the nerves firing with his touch. Being high makes your senses more sensitive.

"I don't mind, if this is what makes you feel happier, and more comfortable." Aaron says, thumb rubbing your cheek softly.

Smiling inro his hand and nuzzling your nose into the heel, you say, "I promise I won't do it all the time. I usually just do it when I'm alone, so I can be free and not bother anyone. I won't ever do it in front of or be around him when I'm high. It's not an escape, just something for the really off days."

"I know, you don't need to worry about that. You're too selfless to worry about yourself when Jack or I are around. I'm just glad to know you do stuff for yourself." He pulls you into a hug, resting his chin on your head, and his arms around your shoulders. His touch feels so relaxing and warm, and you just melt into him.

Thank whatever power above that Aaron fell for you just as you did for him. There's nothing you wouldn't do for your boys. Seems the feeling is mutual.

[woundthatswallows]

We all got our diagnoses today (spotify wrapped)!!! What were your top songs?

:)

[dont-offend-the-bees]

'needs to be gently but decisively topped immediately' pride flag

[i-ruled-athens]

me: what if I'm not actually autistic

also me: as soon as a big change happens spends 3 full days listening to 1 song on repeat and watching 1 tv show on repeat.

[keycrash]

today spotify wrapped diagnosed me with mental illness

[utexaspress]

Remembering Lhasa de Sela

By Fred Goodman

The singular, otherworldly American singer Lhasa de Sela—who wrote and recorded in Spanish, French, and English and performed songs in nearly a dozen other languages—would have turned forty-seven on September 27. A spiritual and artistic pilgrim, she possessed an insatiable hunger for knowledge and left behind a musical legacy culled from her unique affinity for the romantic, mystic, and cerebral. Beginning with her first album in 1997, Lhasa’s multilingual songs and her spellbinding shows made the singer-songwriter a sensation in Montreal and Europe. But even today, nearly ten years after her death, her work and individuality have yet to register with listeners in her homeland. Contradictory and complex, Lhasa was both a naïf and a melancholic, a pixie with an enduring apprehension of life’s hardships as well as its magic. In the course of a heartbreakingly brief career of just thirteen years and three albums, she worked her own musical turf, part Edith Piaf, part Tinkerbell. She came by her artistic and spiritual wanderlust honestly. Raised in a family of bohemian nomads, Lhasa was born in an unused Catskills Mountains ski chalet in Big Indian, New York, twenty-five miles northwest of Woodstock. The attending hippie doctor, shirtless and in overalls, focused most of his medical supervision on splitting a gallon of Gallo burgundy with the expectant mother. Beautiful and healthy, the as-yet unnamed baby was wrapped in a blanket; with no cradle to hand, she slept in a dresser drawer. Her peripatetic life began just a few days later, when the family was kicked out of Big Indian and set off for Mexico. But it wasn’t until five months later that her parents finally found a name they felt suited their new daughter. Having read Timothy Leary’s popular handbook on LSD, The Psychedelic Experience: A Manual Based on the Tibetan Book of the Dead, the couple then tackled the original Buddhist tome that had inspired Leary. Along with providing a spiritual guide to navigating bardo, the state in which a Buddhist’s consciousness sits suspended between death and rebirth, the book told of the holy city of Lhasa, built high on the Tibetan plateau. The name means “place of the gods,” and somehow, those rarified heights and aspirations felt like an appropriate christening and wish. “They were incapable of having a middle-class life,” Lhasa de Sela would say years later when asked about her mother and father. “Their parents were well-off, but they were the black sheep of their families. They took a lot of hallucinogenic drugs and took incredible risks.” Raised in a converted school bus crossing back and forth between Mexico and the United States, Lhasa and her three sisters were homeschooled and grew up without a telephone or television. And while their parents rejected the bulk of mainstream America’s material and social assumptions, they were fierce about instilling in their children an unquenchable curiosity, a deep devotion to spiritual and intellectual advancement, and the veneration of creativity. “What was really passed to us in the way we were raised is that life is an interior search,” says her sister Miriam. “A lot of soul-searching and trying to be truthful to your intuition. And in a very vague way trying to trust something that’s invisible. I would have to say that was a huge part of Lhasa’s life: constant self-searching.” That spiritual and intellectual search would, in turn, illuminate her writings and performances. An exhilarating childhood, it was also a life of uncertainty, isolated and lived without nets. The month that Lhasa turned eight, she was living in a broken-down bus behind an Exxon station in Elk Grove, California. Her father was picking melons by day and rebuilding a replacement engine salvaged from a junkyard by night; Lhasa and her sisters studied with their mother in the mornings and worked gathering tomatoes in the afternoons. On her birthday, there was a Raggedy Ann party in the bus; Lhasa’s mother made a doll, her sisters crafted a piñata, and friends provided a Raggedy Ann cake. As an adult, Lhasa would tag it her most memorable birthday. Though lived close to the bone, that unorthodox upbringing proved a petri dish for nurturing a family of extraordinarily focused iconoclasts and autodidacts. Lhasa’s sisters would go on to careers as circus performers—a tightrope walker, a trapeze artist, and a gymnast—with Lhasa at one point taking a break from her own career to join their circus troupe in France. A loner at heart, Lhasa would always remain somewhat estranged from society at large; her unusual upbringing and the lessons imparted by her parents—particularly, that life is an adventure not to be missed—left her unable to fathom the lack of curiosity and discipline in so many of the people she met. “She kind of fit in everywhere but also nowhere,” says her half-brother, Mischa Karam. At the age of twelve, Lhasa heard Billie Holiday for the first time and became obsessed with transforming herself into a singer. A move at nineteen to Montreal, with its thriving dual French and English music scenes, broadened her perspective. Lhasa’s unique ability to incorporate whatever came her way, forged in that unlikely, supercharged childhood, would lead her as a musician to make use of anything she deemed moving and meaningful, from Gypsy music to Mexican rancheras, Americana, jazz and fado, chanson française and South American folk melodies. She had an eye for the authentic, an unfailing ear for the heartfelt. Though she was likely this country’s first world music chanteuse, Lhasa nonetheless remains virtually unknown in the United States. In recent years, reggaetón and Spanglish pop hits such as “Despacito” have worked their way into America’s pop lexicon, but that wasn’t the case twenty-odd years ago, when Lhasa released her first album, the all-Spanish La Llorona. A musical séance calling up ghosts from a long-lost world of legend and romance, the album became a bestseller in Canada and made her a star in France and much of Europe but never registered here. Her trilingual second album, The Living Road, was one of the United Kingdom’s most critically lauded albums of 2003, and critics there acclaimed Lhasa “a multilingual global diva.” Her continuing American anonymity feels inexplicable. “The language really did not make any difference,” observed the Canadian music journalist Nicholas Jennings. “What she was putting forth transcended language, she was such an intense performer. She had all the depth of emotion of an actress or an opera singer. You couldn’t take your eyes off her.” As ambitious as she was artistic, Lhasa had set her eyes on conquering the United States. She didn’t imagine her time was running short. Diagnosed with breast cancer in 2008, Lhasa nonetheless continued to plot an American tour while writing and recording her only all-English album, 2009’s Lhasa. But for Lhasa, America would prove a dream that has yet to come to fruition: she died at her home in Montreal on New Year’s Day, 2010, at the age of thirty-seven. About the author: Fred Goodman is a former editor at Rolling Stone whose work has appeared in the New York Times and many magazines. His previous books include the award-winning The Mansion on the Hill: Dylan, Young, Geffen, Springsteen, and the Head-on Collision of Rock and Commerce. Spotify Playlist | YouTube Playlist

[babydarkstar]

today spotify wrapped diagnosed me with sad bitch disease

[ma-sulevin]

Tagged by @himluv and @joz-stankovich !

1) Name/nickname: Kathryn (and various spellings thereof), but online and to children I go by Kate.

2) Gender: Female

3) Star sign: Gemini

4) Height: 5′2″

5) Hogwarts House: Hufflepuff!

6) Favourite animal: Octopus

7) Hours of sleep: this depends largely on my mental health, but I work best at 9 hours

8) Dogs or cats: Cats

9) Number of blankets: Usually just a king sized blanket I wrap myself up in like a burrito

10) Dream trip: Ireland and the UK

11) Dream job: Novelist

12) Time: 9:39am

13) Birthday: June 12

14) Favorite Bands: I had to consult Spotify for this: the xx, the neighborhood, ms mr, bastille

15) Favorite Solo Artists: Kesha, Hozier, Dodie, Lo-Fang, Halsey, Julia Nunes, Alex Clare, Josef Salvat

16) Song Stuck In My Head: There isn’t one at that exact moment, thankfully

17) Last Movie I Watched: The Witch

18) Last Show I Watched: Friends

19) When Did I Create my blog: August 2016

20) What Do I Post/Reblog: Dragon Age mostly, including screenshots, jokes, art, fic recs, and my own writing. Some stuff about mental health, bisexuality, weird dreams that I have, work stories, pictures of my cats.

21) Last Thing I Googled: I haven’t googled anything yet today so I don’t remember. I think something about nail health yesterday afternoon? (Update: just now “define: ostensibly” to make sure I was using it right in the next answer)

22) Other Blogs: I generally keep my Mass Effect stuff to @kett-kat because my followers aren’t here for that. I also do nsfw gifs on @nsfw-sulevin , ostensibly so I can keep track of which OC likes what for ficcing purposes.

23) Do I Get Asks: I get the occasional random ask, mostly from people saying nice things to me. I got more before I turned off anon a couple of months ago. When I post an ask meme, I usually get a few immediately after.

24) Why I Choose My URL: The first few ideas I had for a DA name were taken, so I just went through a list of elvhen words until I found some that fit and weren’t taken. I’ve been thinking about changing it but haven’t pulled the trigger yet. 

25) Following: 240

26) Followers: 843

27) Lucky Number: 6. I played softball for a couple of years when I was a kid (like... 8/9), and I hated it, but my jersey nnumber was 6.

28) Favorite Instrument: Probably cello or violin? I can’t play anything (I’m so musically untalented I can’t even whistle), but those are both instruments I’d want to learn.

29) What Am I Wearing: A long sleeved shirt from a college I briefly attended and Christmas pajama pants. I couldn’t have found an outfit that matched less if I tried.

30) Favorite Food: Pastaaaa

31) Nationality: American

32) Favorite Song: Right now, probably “Alright” by Keaton Henson. “Finding You” by Kesha is a second.

33) Last Book Read: I just finished listening to Nexus Uprising (for the second time... let’s call it research) and moved on to listening to Outlander. The last physical book I read was When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi, which is a memoir about a neurosurgeon who was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer right before he was set to graduate, and made me UGLY CRY at the end of it.

34) Top Three Fictional Universes I’d Like To Join: Mass Effect, Dragon Age, Lord of the Rings

Tagging......... @long-liv-prairies @ladydracarysao3 @roguelioness @kagetsukai @alwayscryingoverdannyb @mysdrym @randomnonsensedragonage @candystrippers @shannaraisles and @buttsonthebeach