#was this close to throwing my laptop out the window but decided to torture myself instead

[twobabkas]

3x08 —  4x04

[distinctlywhumpthing]

Together 6: Inferno.

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CW: explicit language and content, multiple whumpees, torture, captivity, conditioning, noncon touching (non-sexual), implied noncon (sexual), dehumanization, electrocution, shock collar, beating, gaslighting, manipulation, restraints, extreme control of food/exercise for appearance, mention of passing out/vomiting due to exercise/restricted diet, controlling whumper, multiple whumpers, possessive whumper, masked whumper, letmeknowifimissedany

The next day, I wake up before August. He’s starfished on his back, feet, and one hand hanging off the bed. He looks even younger asleep, with freckles scattered across his nose, long eyelashes, and not much facial hair for a man who hasn’t had the chance to shave in a handful of days. The stubble that is there is even lighter than his hair, tending toward blondish rather than auburn. He sits up ramrod straight and groggy as hell when the keyring clangs against the outside of the metal door.

“Let’s go, Princess,” one of the goonies drones as he opens it. It’s Darius, but for some reason, he’s wearing a ski mask.

Weirdo. Did you just come from robbing a bank?

Maybe the mask means they’re planning to let August go, a good thing. I wouldn’t wish this life on anyone, but I still feel a bitter pang of jealousy. I don’t look back at him as I walk out.

Wyatt is waiting for me in his office, upstairs. He’s already cleared his desk for me. There are gauzy curtains in front of the windows so I can’t see the view but I always look forward to the daylight. Today, it’s muted like it might be overcast or raining. I strain to listen to see if I can hear it on the windows.

“Come here,” he says, standing and patting the desk in front of him.

I walk over, trying to read into his expression and tone. It’s never easy to tell what I’m in for because he’s so calculating. I don’t think I’ve ever once seen him lose control of himself in all these years. I sit up on the desk. He steps in between my knees so we’re eye-to-eye, tucks my hair behind both ears, and puts his hands on my thighs. Close enough that he can inhale every minute expression on my face and in my eyes like I’m shotgunning him.

“How do you like your new roommate?” he asks.

I’d shrug if it were allowed. There’s a remote to the collar in the pocket of his blazer. Instead, I just blink at him. Does it matter? Either way, he won’t be around very long.

Wyatt nods like I really did just answer him. “He made some poor choices last night. You were perfect, putting up with all of that.” He lifts his hand to the side of my neck, thumbing the collar through my shirt. “A little healthy fear will set him straight. I bought a new belt just for the occasion.”

Christ. I work to keep my face neutral.

Beatings have never been his M.O. with me. Except to make sure the silence was deep enough that not a damn thing earthside would illicit a fucking peep out of me, but he made it a point not to leave scars. He wants my body as perfect as my behavior. Otherwise, it’s all about the mind for this lunatic. Patient enough to find the trigger that will have me agreeing all on my own. He feels powerful, and I guess he is, for knowing just how to frame things, pinpointing what I want and need, even if I don’t realize.

“When it turned out he’d be staying longer than intended, I knew I couldn’t let the opportunity pass. He’s just too perfect,” Wyatt purrs.

What the fuck does that mean?

Wyatt stays silent and goes on reading my face while my thoughts snowball.

Shit. Why are you smiling at me like that?

Finally, he seems to have his fill of my reactions and squeezes my thigh. “It’s been quite a while since you took that many shocks, Emmy, and I can’t have you being stiff later,” he tells me, then pulls a tablet out of the desk drawer. “Do a yin yoga class—you haven’t eaten enough for anything else.”

I dip my head once in a nod.

He runs his thumb along my jaw before moving so I can hop off the desk.

The yoga is part of a whole distorted regimen. Wyatt wants my skeletal frame toned and flexible. “Not just skin and bones,” he says, but then goes on feeding me one meal a day. There’s no way he doesn’t calorie count the shit out of everything that passes my lips to elicit what he wants but it’s never enough to truly exercise on. He’s had me try other things but I’d just pass out or throw up and he wasn’t willing to adjust the input to equal the output. I love the yoga anyway.

The clothes he has me wear are skin tight and all black because boy does he love to watch me move. “You’re so graceful,” he’ll croon, admiring his maintenance of my figure. In the beginning, I wasn’t flexible enough for his liking, so he’d push me in the stretches until I thought my muscles would snap. Sometimes he’ll have some look-the-other-way woman come in and wax every surface below my neck so that in a black yoga bra and practically-underwear shorts, I shine. Then, he’ll have me to do all sorts of other things.

—

When I finish the video, an hour long, he waves me back over. He’s been watching me the whole time, a serene look on his face. He has me sit in front of him on the desk again. Prefers me up here, all within reach and eye-level. Carlos brings in our lunch in paper bags. It’s an endless rotation of delivery and takeout here. I can’t say I’ve ever seen a kitchen. Wyatt passes me a compostable bowl with a plastic lid. He knows this is one of my favorites.

I narrow my eyes.

The shit-eating grin comes back.

I don’t turn down the food though, despite the twisting in my stomach. Hunger strikes result in having a tube shoved down my throat. After all, my body is his wonderland. He eats a burrito, reclined in the chair with his feet on the desk next to me. Sips Coke out of a glass bottle and passes it to me. Purses his lips while he watches me hold it by the neck and take a swig before I hand it back. It fizzes down my throat sweetly.

Fuck, what is he planning?

It’s not strange to eat together or share a drink, but there’s something in his eyes today. An extra sparkle of anticipation. Last time he was like this, I wound up hanging from the ceiling for half a day. Contorted by silk rope knots into a goddamn living chandelier. The goonies had express permission to carry me after that one on account of my limbs turning to pins-and-needles jello.

After I finish eating, he tells me to find a book to pass the time. “I won’t have you getting sick later,” he says, pulling his phone out, dismissing me.

I move my ass before he moves it for me even though my sense of dread is deepening. I’ve made a fair dent in his library by now. Naturally, being a psychopath, Wyatt is well-read and intelligent. Lots of philosophy, social theory, plenty of psychology (but I feel like those must be a trap so I avoid them), books in other languages, and classic literature. I find it a little one-sandwich-short-of-a-picnic-basket that he wants his effectively-mute captive to also be well-read but it’s beyond me to try to understand his depraved logic.

—

When he’s decided it’s time, he stands and walks over to where I’m curled up in the armchair by the bookcase. “Let’s get you ready,” he says, holding out his hand and leading me over to his desk.

My pulse hammers in my throat.

He picks up a crisp sopping bag, pulls out folded black clothes. I usually change after I shower but it’s always a roll of the dice with Wyatt, especially in this kind of mood. I’m surprised when he starts putting the clothes on over what I’m already wearing. It’s baggy sweatpants and a hoodie—also black—and then some sneakers. I can’t remember the last time I wore shoes. Next, he pulls a little case out of the bag and opens it to reveal earbuds.

Oh, hell. Not again.

We’ve done this before. He took me out to some fluorescent superstore, spread his goonies around on video calls to record me, and sat in the fast-food restaurant with his laptop. Read me a shopping list and watched me sweat through it. I nearly had a conniption at the register. It was one of three times he’s ever taken me out.

Wyatt smirks at the misgivings playing across my face and passes me an elastic for my hair. I pull it all into a low, tight bun and then he uses first-aid tape to secure the headphone inside my ear. I’d never dream of removing it myself, and he knows that, so whatever is about to happen to me puts it at risk of falling out. I haven’t felt this scared in a while and it’s making him smile even more.

I know being hopeless but no longer frightened provides an irresistible challenge. It’s not like I can help being resigned to his life for me, exactly as he intended. He doesn’t want me shitting-my-pants-afraid. It’s not about that. He could have made me vacant, and not just silent if he’d wanted but there’s a thrilling risk to pushing me. My psyche is his game of Jenga and he never loses. He knows how to manipulate, balance, and finesse every piece so that I’ll only ever wobble, dangerously close to collapse but always just shy, leaving him infinitely validated. So, I know he’d never put me in a position to truly break but I still fear the magnitude of the wobble. And the duration.

Wyatt has handed me gloves and is now holding up the last item from the bag. A clown mask.

Oh, god. Are we actually robbing someplace?

If I weren’t wearing so many clothes, I would be convinced I was in for some twisted, kinky shit, especially with these gloves. He ties the mask securely behind my head and I’m already sweating under the foamy rubber just imagining silently holding someone up. With a loaded weapon in my hand.

Fuck, Wyatt. Seriously?

He traces his fingers down my arms, pulling up my hands and helping me off the desk. Holding my arms out and looking me over like he’s seeing his prom date’s outfit for the first time and just knows that he’ll get to take it all off later. He drops my hands and pulls the hood of the sweatshirt over my head.

“Perfect,” he purrs and leads me down the hallway toward a door I haven’t entered in a very long time. I’m wearing too many clothes for what that room is usually used for. I hope.

Wyatt moves in front of me and pulls me close so our noses almost touch, lowers his voice in a way that is far from soothing. “If I’m not happy, with any aspect of your performance, I will personally tenfold it. Understood?” He searches my eyes one at a time. Left to right and back again.

I nod, stomach already somewhere by my feet.

He leaves me in the little hall, alone. There’s a yellow light bulb underneath a metal cage on the wall.

Sonofabitch. I’m terrified.

Naturally, I don’t move until Wyatt's voice comes over the headphone in my ear. “Go in. Close the door behind you.”

Calm down, Emma, you just have to survive this one thing right now. How bad can it be?

I take a deep breath and open the door, step in, and close it softly behind me, not sure what is waiting for me since it’s dark. My eyes don’t have time to adjust before the lights flick on.

All my blood runs cold. This is undeniably the ninth circle of Hell.

Wyatt lets me stand there, frozen, and unable to pull air into my lungs, for more than a few of my stuttering heartbeats before he finally gives me my next command,

“Emma, pick up the belt.”

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Taglist: @deluxewhump

[sunshinejihyun]

The Three Times He Realized He’s in Love || Zen Ryu

Summary: A story told through the eyes of Zen about the highs and lows of his first love.

Word Count: 5.0K

Masterlist

The first time Zen realized he was in love with you was at the second RFA party. You were there with a date, and Zen wasn’t him.

“Zen!” You exclaimed, throwing your arms around your best friend’s neck. “Come dance with me!” The official party was over but you, Zen, and the rest of the RFA stayed behind at the venue, opting to take advantage of the open bar.

Zen rolled his eyes and rested his hands on your hips, failing to notice Jumin glaring at him from across the room. “You’re drunk, MC.”

You brushed your nose against Zen’s, looking at him adoringly and he huffed as he felt your breath brush over his lips. This was torture to him, absolute torture. “Of course I’m drunk, since none of you are using the open bar, I might as well give our bartender something to do!” You ran your hand gently through his hair and giggled as Zen leaned slightly into your touch. “Speaking of being drunk, why aren’t you?”

This wasn’t like you, in the year or so that he’d come to know you, he never once saw you with a drink in your hand. Now, you’re standing in front of him, your cheeks permanently rosy as you talked to him, standing way too close for someone who arrived on the arm of the trust fund kid. “Someone has to be sober enough to make sure you don’t make stupid decisions since apparently your date can’t do that.”

You brought your face as close to his ear as you could, despite the obvious height difference and Zen’s breath hitched. “Come on Zen,” your lips were so close to his ear, close enough for your breath to brush against his throat and Zen was sure you could feel his pulse racing. “Live a little.” You smiled and whipped your head towards Jumin who called your name. Looking back at Zen apologetically, you let go of his neck. “I should go, I’m sorry.”

When you walked away, Zen’s heart cracked and he called out to you. “Don’t drink too much more! Jumin will actually kill me. I heard he has people to do that job.”

You turned back to Zen and sent him a wink. “I’ll be fine, Zen. I’ll find you later.” You blew him a playful kiss, something that he should be used to by now but definitely wasn’t and Zen felt his neck and cheeks heat up.

“See ya later,” he called back, but you were already with Jumin, laughing and smiling and trying to get him to dance with you, although there was no music. If it was Zen in that position, he’d have pulled you close and sang in your ear as you slow danced together.

Zen wandered around the party venue for a while before finding a quiet room and taking a moment to breathe. Flopping down on a huge chair, he took his hair out of the ponytail he was currently sporting and he sighed. God, was he an idiot. How stupid was he to believe that he had a chance with you, his best friend in the whole world, the girl he shared a toasted marshmellow with at the first RFA party, the girl who was dating his sworn mortal enemy.

Zen didn’t mean to fall in love with you, not in the slightest. He loved having you as a best friend and in all honesty, he didn’t even realize he was in love with you until a few weeks ago. You were sitting on one end of his couch, silently answering emails that party guests had sent you, and he was sitting on the other, muttering the lines for his new role to himself under his breath.

“Do you need help?” You had set aside your laptop and was now looking at Zen, curling into the cushions more.

Zen looked up and his heart stopped. This was the first sign he felt something more than friendship towards you. You were wearing one of his sweatshirts he had earlier hung over the end of the couch that he told himself he would remember to put away. He didn’t, and now he was so grateful for that, and for the fact that he liked to keep his place cold, so that he could see you in his clothing. “If you’d like to help, that’d be good. But I know you’re busy so if you need to keep preparing for the party, please do so. I can always practice in the bathroom mirror, so I can look at myself to make sure my expressions are right.”

You silently held out your hand for the script he had been agonizing over and he gave it to you, moving closer to you so that he could see the script as well when you ran lines with him. With your elbows bumping together every once in a while, you stayed up until early morning with Zen working on his lines and facial expressions and when you fell asleep in the middle of him practicing one of his monologues, he felt his heart burst with adoration for you. This wasn’t how he should feel for a friend.

After sitting and wallowing in self doubt for a while, Zen decided it was time to head home. It was late, he was tired, and quite frankly, he was just ready to be alone, and this party was starting to drag on a little too long for his liking. So pulling up his metaphorical big boy pants, Zen marched down the stairs and when he reached the bottom, you were practically in his arms.

“There you are, I’ve been looking all over for you.” You almost purred this into Zen’s ear and hell, if it wasn’t causing him to feel all these types of feelings he shouldn’t feel for his best friend. He had to remind himself that this was the alcohol in your system talking. You were dating Jumin and you only ever thought of Zen as a best friend.

“I was in another room. Hey, I should head home.” You pushed a piece of hair out of your face

Zen started leading you to the light switch on the other side of the room. As light filled the room, there was a collective groan from the rest of the RFA members who were hanging out in the dark. “Sorry guys, I’m heading home.” Zen called out to your friends, making you pout and throw your arms around his neck again in a tight hug.

Zen’s arms barely wrapped around your middle before Jumin made his way over you the both of you. “Darling, are you ready to go home?” Jumin asked you, tightly smiling at the position he had found you and Zen in. Zen’s arms went limp and he gently detached your arms from around his neck.

You slowly turned your head towards Jumin, a smile still plastered on your face and you blinked once, the smile disappearing. “Yeah sure,” you turned back towards Zen, who was still trying to get the feel of your body against his out of his mind and you gave him another tight squeeze. “Don’t be a stranger. I’ll see you soon.”

Jumin silently escorted you to the car that was waiting for the both of you and you climbed into the back seat after Jumin, already reaching for the music when Driver Kim started the car. “Can we please keep it quiet? My head hurts,”

You retracted your hand, quickly picking up on the fact that Jumin was upset at something. “What’s wrong?”

Jumin’s hands clenched the fabric of his pants and it took all he had in him not to pull you into his lap and whisper in your ear how you were his, and only his; tell you how jealous he was over your friendship with Zen. “Nothing’s wrong, darling. I’m fine.”

You sighed and rested your hand on Jumin’s thigh and he set his right hand over your left. “Jumin, I may be drunk, but I’m not stupid. I know when my boyfriend’s upset. What’s wrong?”

Jumin shook his head, watching out the window as the car pulled up to the front entrance of the penthouse that you and he now lived in together. “It’s stupid, forget it.”

You shook your head and unbuckled your seatbelt. “Jumin, I don’t feel so good.”

He laughed. “I wouldn’t expect you to feel great. You drank a lot tonight.”

You shook your head, pressing a hand to your chest. “No, like I really don’t feel good. I think I’m gonna pass out.”

Jumin ran a hand up and down his face, taking a deep breath, which was a clear sign he was stressed, and got out of the car, walking over to your side and picking you up. “Let’s get you inside and into bed. You just need some rest.” You silently agreed, pressing your nose into the side of his neck and peppering kisses on the underside of his chin. “MC, you should stop. You’re drunk and I don’t want us to do anything we might regret in the morning.”

You pouted against his neck, but stopped your attack on his jawline and Jumin escorted you both to the shared bedroom you both had been sleeping in for the past year. By the time he had gotten changed into pajamas, you were fast asleep on top of the bed, your party dress still on and makeup smudged across your face and Jumin felt his heart thud in his chest with adoration as he watched you sleep, wondering how lucky he was to have someone like you love him.

-

The first time Zen got his heart broken by you was a week after the finale night. You were laying on his bed, giggling as Jumin continued to text you.

“Do you want to play Super Mario Bros?” Zen had spent 10 minutes pulling out his old Gamecube because he knew you loved to play on it.

You looked up from your phone and it was like you were in a trance. You were there physically but mentally, you were with Jumin. “Sorry, what?”

Zen’s face fell and he could tell you had no idea what you were doing wrong. “I said: do you wanna play this game with me?”

You sighed and rolled off his bed, grabbing your wool sweater off his floor; it got hot so you took it off, opting to just have the black long sleeved shirt on that you always wore underneath. “I should probably get going, Jumin will be home soon and will expect me to be there.”

Zen rubbed a hand over his face, something he noticed he was doing a lot more than usual; he was more stressed than usual which made him more stressed, since stress lead to pimples. He had finally gotten used to the fact that you were dating that jerk, and now he also had to deal with the fact that he was pretty sure he was in love with you? “Okay, I can drive you home.”

He went to go grab a sweatshirt and his motorcycle keys but you put a hand on his arm, stopping him. “Driver Kim is waiting, but thank you for the offer!” Stopping to slightly ruffle his hair, you smiled down brightly at him. “I’ll see you soon!”

Zen felt the bitter sting of rejection in the back of his mouth as he watched you walk off, smiling at something on your phone. Probably a message from Jumin, something that Zen desperately didn’t want to hear about, but something he wanted to do for himself.

-

The first time Zen got his heart broken by you was on a Monday morning. Zen pulled his motorcycle to the front of the penthouse at 9:40 AM, giving two quick beeps to signal to you that he was there. You and he were going to meet up with Yoosung to help him move out of his apartment. Now that he had finished school, he was going to move in with Zen to save some money while looking for a job. And let’s be honest, them living together would probably be a good thing since Yoosung didn’t take good care of himself and Zen needed something to focus on other than you and his acting gigs, since when he was thinking about practicing now, his mind wandered back to you on his couch that night.

You of course offered up your help when Yoosung had asked for some help packing things and since you volunteered, so did Zen. He watched you open the door and he watched you walk down the front steps of you house, a smile playing on your lips.

“Good weekend?” Zen asked you as you sat yourself down behind him, buckling the helmet he always had strapped to the back of his motorcycle now.

“The best,” the smile still hasn’t left your face. Zen loved to see you happy, don’t get him wrong, but he knew you were happy because of Jumin and that killed him, more than he would like to admit. “Can I tell you something?”

Zen glanced at you as he continued watching your fingers struggle with the buckle before playfully batting your hands away and buckling it on his own. “I’m your best friend,” Zen found that recently, had trouble saying that phrase but he did nonetheless. “You can tell me anything.”

You glanced at the light haired boy and he looked back at you, giving you a reassuring smile. “Jumin’s talking about us starting to plan a wedding.”

Zen’s heart fell to his feet with those words and you looked down, picking at the chipped nail polish on your fingers. “Congrats,”

Zen couldn’t think. His head was pounding and his breathing was starting to become erratic. He started his motorcycle and waited until your arms were wrapped comfortably around his midsection- he didn’t want to start riding until he was sure you were holding on safe. “Are you okay?” You shouted over the wind blowing as he started to pick up speed. “Listen Zen, I know it’s a big deal but this was always going to happen.”

He zoned you out, not wanting to hear about this right now. Motorcycle riding was supposed to be his escape from reality but right now, it seemed he had to face reality more than ever. And the reality was that he wanted to be the one planning a wedding with you. He wanted to be the one to make you smile and hold you when you were upset. He wanted to put on silly performances with ridiculous costumes just to hear your laugh at any time he would like. He didn’t want you with Jumin, not in the slightest.

You looked shut your mouth quickly once you realized Zen wasn’t paying attention, hurt at the way he brushed you off. Once he pulled up to Yooosung’s apartment building, you immediately got off the bike and started to head up to his door. “Zen, I’ll be back in a moment and then you and I can go get tape and boxes together.”

“Don’t bother,” Zen spat but it was too late, you were already too far away to hear him. As soon as you were out of sight, Zen broke down, tears streaming down his face faster than he thought possible.

There was a gentle hand resting on his shoulder and Zen hastily brushed the tears away that were on his cheeks and chin. Looking up, he saw Yoosung standing next to him, an apologetic look on his face. “What happened?”

Zen blew his nose into a tissue that he had in his pocket, Yoosung cringing at the noise. “Jumin happened,” Hestayed quiet, waiting for Zen to continue. “Stupid Jumin came and just wooed MC and took her away from me before I could even have a chance and-”

“You love her,” Yoosungstated, staring at Zen. He nodded, more tears starting to well up in his eyes.

“I love her so much, man. And she broke my heart.”

-

The second time Zen realized he was in love with you was when you showed up crying at his doorstep at 11:07 PM, three months after he had last seen you. He didn’t blame you for not coming around, you were busy planning a wedding and whenever you talked about it, Zen would withdraw himself from the conversation. He just didn’t want to hear about it. “MC?”

You wiped at your eyes, looking at Zen. “I’m sorry I know you’re mad at me for whatever reason and I probably shouldn’t even be here but I needed to see you.”

Zen felt his resolve fall away and he pulled you into his arms, his shirt slowly starting to wet because of the tears falling. “What’s going on?”

“I’m pregnant,” you sobbed out and Zen felt the world crash around him. He tightened his arms around you, opting to stay silent. “Zen, I’m so stupid. A kid was never supposed to be part of the plan and I know Jumin doesn’t even want one. I don’t know what to do.”

“Shh,” Zen quieted you, rocking you back and forth. “I’m not gonna lie, that sucks.” You let out a breathy laugh and Zen’s heart swelled with affection at that sound. “But we can get through this. Together.”

“Jumin doesn’t want anything to do with the baby.” Zen felt his pulse quicken when you looked at him with big eyes. “Or me, for that matter.”

“I can help you raise this baby, MC. We can move in together. I don’t have to work late hours anymore. I-I was supposed to go on tour but I can decline the role. I just want to be there for you.”

“You’re not giving up work, Zen. You can’t.” You smiled sadly and rested a hand on his knee and this time, he set his hand protectively over yours. “I’ll be okay. Jaehee can help me, my mom can help me-”

“But MC! That kid needs a father figure in their life.” Your tears had stopped and you turned to Zen.

“Zen, stop. I know what you’re trying to do and you can’t. Your work is your entire life. It’s so incredibly important to you. You cannot let me hold you back from that.”

“You wouldn’t be holding me back I lo-” You cut Zen off by pressing your lips to his.

“I know, I do too. But you can’t give this up yet. Not when your career is just starting to take off.” Zen nodded, pressing his left hand to his lips.

“I can’t give this up yet.” Zen repeated back, almost like he was trying to convince himself more than anything  and you rested your head on his shoulder, him wrapping his arm around your shoulders. “We’ll get through this, I promise.”

“I hope,” you whispered back, burying yourself more into his side as Zen pressed a kiss to the top of your head.

-

The second time Zen got his heart broken by you was two years after he went on tour because his musical career kicked off. He left without saying goodbye and cut off communication with everyone from the RFA, ready for a fresh start. He had decided to not meet up with Saeran and Saeyoung for Christmas the first year, even though they had offered him a spot in their ‘orphan Christmas celebration’  and opted to work on his new role that he was going to be starting once this tour ended. For summer break, he went on a backpacking trip in Europe with the girl he was dating then. Her name was Ivy and she was sweet and pretty and liked the same things as he did but she was not you.

So sucking it up for the second winter break off his tour, Zen returned home and found himself on the doorstep of the Choi household before he even stopped to say hello to Yoosung, which he promised he’d do when he came home. He knocked on the door, three taps and before he could do a fourth, the door was ripped open and Zen was face to face with Saeyoung. “Uh, hey, Seven.”

He opened the door for Zen to walk inside and Zen nodded his head, thankful for the heat. “Uncle Saeyoung! Come look at what mommy got me!”

A young boy ran up to Saeyoung, wrapping his little arms around his bigger legs and Saeyoung picked up the boy, tapping him on the nose. “I’ll come look in a second, we have a guest over right now.”

“Saeyoung you’ll never believe…” You walked in the room, smiling at something you were holding in your hands and looked towards your friend, the smile dropping off your face when you saw Zen. “Oh, I didn’t realize you were back.”

Your stance made it very clear how you felt: you were mad. Your hips were cocked to one side and your arms were crossed across your chest. “I just got back off the tour, like, literally ten minutes ago.”

Zen awkwardly looked at Saeyoung, hoping for him to help. He Looked towards your son and shrugged. “Come on, Will, we should go find Uncle Saeran and you can tell him and I all about what mommy got you, okay?”

You and Zen both watched helplessly as Chelsea walked into the next room and Zen heard Henrik exclaim something in the next room. “Saeran? Saeyoung?”

You looked at Zen and he felt his face heat up under your gaze. “Yeah, turns out Seven had a twin brother who was the hacker that first introduced me to the RFA. After all that came out, he decided he wanted to stop changing identities and finally be able to live life as himself.”

“So, um, how are you?” Zen awkwardly rubbed at the back of his neck.

“No, no. You don’t get to do that, Zen. Leave for two years without so much as a postcard and then you come into my home and try to make small talk with me?” You walked closer to him and jabbed a finger in the middle of his chest. “You offered to be my child’s father and then you leave without so much as a goodbye? What happened to getting through this together, Zen? Huh? Because as far as I can tell, it’s only been me, Saeyoung, and Saeran who’s been raising this child.”

Zen stood still, for once in his life, he didn’t know what to say. He didn’t have a joke to crack, he didn’t have a sincere apology to give you. His mind went blank, all he could think about was you, that night on his doorstep: so fragile, and he held you like he thought you were fine china. Like one wrong move and you would break. You weren’t that same girl anymore; something happened to you after he left and he wanted so badly to reach out and hold you close to him, and beg you to talk to him, let him help now. But you wouldn’t let him, so Zen kept still.

“Zen!” Jaehee calling his name brought Zen out of the staring contest you and he were seeming to have. “It’s so nice to see you! When did you get home?”

Jaejee embraced Zen and he hugged her back, trying to detangle himself from the situation he was in. “Um, actually just a few minutes ago. I stopped by to say hello to MC but I promised Yoosung I’d say hi as soon as I got back, so I should get going.”

“Nonsense, stay for dinner. Come and catch up!” Jaehee Was either ignoring the daggers in your stare was just oblivious but either way she wasn’t taking the hint. Zen was sure it was because she wanted information about the tour and to maybe get exclusive information to share with the fan club, which has now skyrocketed since his career took off.

“He said he had to get going.” Your stern look made Jaehee close her mouth and throw her hands up, silently walking out of the room. “I’ll show you to the door, Zen.”

“MC, please. Talk to me. What happened while I was away?” Zen put a hand over your hand that was on the door handle and you stopped for a second, closing your eyes and letting out a heavy sigh.

“Zen, remember all those times where you didn’t want to talk to me?” Zen nodded, his eyes searching to reach yours. “I respected that and I left you alone. Now, I need you to respect that I don’t want to talk right now.”

“Mommy? Who is that?” Zen heard your son ask you after Zen had stepped out the door. He saw Saeran and Saeyoung come into view right before the door closed and Zen felt his heart ache as he watched his friend with his long lost brother.

“He’s an old friend, Will. He doesn’t matter.” Zen heard you mutter before the door was slammed in his face, his heart falling on the cement in front of him.

-

The third time Zen really realized he was still madly in love with you was also the first time you told Zen that you were in love with him was three weeks after he showed up at your doorstep. He had already gone back on tour and wasn’t expecting any visitors to show up at his hotel room, let alone have it be you.

“Hey,” you shifted your weight from one foot to another. “Are you gonna let me come in?”

Zen wordlessly opened the door wider and you stepped in, following Zen to the musky smelling couch that all hotel rooms seemed to have and sat down next to him.

“I thought you made it pretty clear a few weeks ago, MC. You don’t want anything to do with me.” Zen was confused, not only about why you were in California in his hotel room, but why after all this time and separation did he still want to pull you into his arms and kiss you until you were breathless.

“That’s the thing, Zen. That’s not what I wanted. I was upset, and rightfully so. You left for two years without so much as a word. I missed you, there was so much I wanted to tell you. So much happened-”

“What happened with Jumin after I left? Yoosung told me you guys got back together.” Zen shifted so he could look at you, really look at you. And his heart ached. He hates the unknown of those two years; so much could have happened.

“That didn’t last long. He wasn’t a good parent to Will, even though he did try to be. Some people just aren’t meant to be parents and so we mutually decided that was the end of us, and I moved in with Saeran and Saeyoung.” Making eye contact with you for the first time in years, Zen felt his heart flutter like he was back in high school. “Aren’t you gonna ask me why I’m here?”

Laughing, Zen hesitantly put his arm around your shoulders and when you leaned into his touch, he smiled victoriously to himself. “I was getting there,”

“I came because I needed to tell you something,” you wouldn’t look at Zen but he could tell you were nervous, picking off nail polish on your fingers, like you always did. “Something I should have told you all those nights ago on your doorstep.”

“What is it, MC?” Zen’s heart felt like it was in his throat and he rubbed his hand up and down your shoulder encouragingly.

“I want my kid to grow up to be like you, I want you in his life, influencing him. Showing him how to be a gentleman and how to treat people kindly. I want you to show him that it’s okay to be vulnerable. I want him to grow up thinking that it’s okay to cry. I want you to be the father that he needs, not the father that he has.”

“MC, I really don’t think you mean-”

“I do mean it though.” You insisted. “I want him to grow up to be like the man I loved. The man I still do love.” You looked Zen intensely in the eyes and he looked back at you.

“What are you saying?” Zen wanted to believe what he was hearing was what he hoped was what you were actually saying, but there was a part of him that needed confirmation. The same part of him that felt like he was going to throw up from the nerves.

“I’m saying that I love you, Zen. And that I have loved you since that night that we practiced lines together. Maybe even before then, who knows. Yes, Jumin was my first love, that will never change. But you will forever be my las love. I can’t imagine loving anyone as intensely as I love you.”

Zen didn’t wait for you to continue saying anything else before pressing his lips to yours softly. You two had shared a kiss or two in the past but this one felt different. Both of your feelings were laying out on the table in front of you and the feelings were so fragile after being put out in the open.

“In case that didn’t speak for itself, I love you too, MC. So much more than you could ever imagine.” Zen was a man of many words, most of them coming out beautifully and poetically but right then and there, he couldn’t think of anything to say other than that. And you were okay with that, because his actions spoke more volumes than anything else ever could.

[svtmatokis]

Miracle P1

Hello friends! Okay it’s been such a long time since I’ve posted anything but to be honest, I’ve been busy working on completing series (cause a lot of my pieces have been left hanging) and in the process, starting new series as well. I’d like to introduce you to this Jihoon College AU! “Miracle” I hope you guys like it!

Plot: What if it was love at first sight? Jihoons lost all passion for music after being wronged two years ago and right as he was about to quit, someone unexpectedly enters his life and changes it for the better

Pairing: Reader x Jihoon  

Words: 3856

Warnings: EVERYCHAPTER has a bit of swearing (because Yoongis here and I love a potty mouthed Yoongi) 

Genre: Fluff, romance, a TINY bit of angst 

“Please don’t tell me that’s what you’re planning on wearing to Jungkooks birthday.” he said poking his friend in the ribs, “Come on, we have to get going!” 

“I’m not going.” Jihoon stated flatly, “You guys go ahead.”

“Please don’t tell me this is because of Hana.” Soonyoung groaned, “You literally transferred away from your old college to get away from her over a year ago! This is the start to your second year here and its the biggest party of the year. It kicks off the new school year AND we’re celebrating Jungkooks birthday.” 

“So? Tell Jungkook I said happy birthday. I’m not going.” Jihoon said, “Now get out before I throw something.” 

“I’m getting Seungcheol.” Soonyoung said as he went outside to get the named boy. “CHEOL! Jihoons being stubborn again!!!” 

Eventually Seungcheol walked into the room and made his presence known by pulling Jihoon’s headphones off.

“Hey!” Jihoon said trying to get his earphones back but Seungcheol held it out of his grip.

“You promised Jungkook that you would go today did you forget?” Seungcheol asked, “We all saw the photo Kim Hana posted and so what if she’s moved on. You need to move on with your life too Ji. You’re better than her in so many ways.”

“Yo Cheol, Mingyu just talked to Kook and said that they’re tripling the theme this year. It’s going to be a welcome back party too!” Soonyoung said excitedly, “We have to get going! Let’s just carry Jihoon there.” 

At the mention of being carried, Jihoon sat up immediately. “Fine, I’ll go. But I won’t stay long...only because Jungkook and the guys of the Bangtan house are close friends.” 

“There we go.” Seungcheol said with a nod of approval, “Go change and we’ll meet you out in five.” 

Ten minutes later, Seungcheol, Mingyu, Soonyoung and Jihoon were on their way to the biggest Frat house on the block owned by the son of the school president himself, Kim Seokjin.

It was still early when they arrived and after putting their respective gifts at the table, they went in search for people they knew.

As they walked towards the main room, they saw someone sitting on the piano talking to Chan, who was a member of the schools dance team.

“No way! Is that Y/N?” Soonyoung asked with his jaw dropped and wide eyes.

Jihoon looked up at the figure and he froze on the spot. He swore to himself that had suddenly died and gone to heaven because the girl in front of him was an angel. Her hair was twisted loosely over her shoulder and ended just below her chest and she wore skinny jeans and a white off shoulder long sleeve shirt.

“Y/N!!!” Mingyu yelled breaking Jihoon out of his thoughts and looked as the taller male went and gave you a big hug. 

It finally occurred to him that the guys knew who you were since Seungcheol even went in for a large hug and went as far as to spin you around.

He slowly approached the group as they were all talking to you at different times.

“When did you get back?” Seungcheol asked.

“How as the program in London?” Soonyoung asked. “Are you back for good?” 

“Does anyone else know you’re back yet?” Mingyu asked.

“I got back a few days ago, the program was awesome and I am so sad to leave and yes I’m back for good. Also, everyone but Hobi knows I’m back. ” you explained in one breath and looked around the group you had learned to call friends. You then noticed the blonde one who you didn’t recognize and gave him a bright smile, “Hi, I’m Y/N.”

When Jihoon didn’t say anything, the guys around him scrambled to save him from embarrassment.

“This is Lee Jihoon, he’s a childhood friend who transferred here a semester after you left.” Soonyoung said quickly, “Jihoon, this is Y/N, she’s a close friend of Jin and Yoongi and the rest of the Bangtan house. 

“Ah…” you said with a nod, “It’s nice to meet you. Make yourselves at home, I’m sure you guys have been here more in the last few years.” 

“Is your roommate here?” Soonyoung asked and you pointed to the kitchen.

“I’m sure Yoongi told me specifically not to let you talk to her but you know, I can’t stop you.” you said with a shrug. “Go wild, I’m supposed to stay here until more people arrive. Yoongi’s at the DJ booth and Jin’s somewhere checking on food. Last I checked, Kookie was getting ready for his big night.” 

“Y/N! You’re back!!!” a voice you recognized as Hoseoks came from the door and suddenly you were engulfed in his arms. “I won’t have to torture myself by teaching two classes anymore.” he said fake crying into your shoulder. 

“I’m sure it wasn’t that bad.” you said with a roll of your eyes as Hoseok set you back down on the piano and greeted the others. 

“Taehyung was being a pain when we announced Soonyoung as co-captain of the junior team last year.” Hoseok deadpanned as Soonyoung nodded his head in agreement. “See! He agrees with me.” 

“Well if Tae was a full time dance major maybe we’d consider otherwise but the guy apparently needs to be in the same drama program as Jin soo…” you said shrugging, “His loss.” 

“Isn’t the only requirement for captain to be a full time performing arts student?” Mingyu asked and you along with Soonyoung and Hoseok shook your heads.

“The last captain Shownu changed the rule before he graduated and you have to be a full time music or dance major now.” Hoseok explained, “Speaking of which, now that you’re done that program in London, what’s your focus?” 

“Per Yoongi’s request, Music composition and dance.” you said looking towards the DJ booth where your best friend and step brother stood going through his playlists. He shot you a look with a raised eyebrow when he felt you looking at him and you gave him a glare when he showed you the middle finger. 

“Yoongi just wants you to follow in his footsteps.” Hoseok reasoned knowing how tough he could be on you sometimes.

“He acts like my dad.” you said scrunching your nose up, “But it’s not like I don’t enjoy either. Anyways, you guys go have fun, I’m just going to chill here for a bit.” 

“Can I get you a drink?” Seungcheol asked, “I heard that the fridge is stocked.”

“Soda, no alcohol. Someones gotta take care of these drunks tonight.” you said with a cheeky grin and you looked at Jihoon who had yet to remove his eyes from you, “Enjoy your night. I’ll see you around.” 

Seungcheol then lead Jihoon to the kitchen where they saw Jin taking something out of the oven while Soonyoung, Chan and Mingyu went over to talk to a few people they knew.

“Hey Jin.” they both said as Jin waved with one hand while holding the pan he had just taken out of the oven.

“Hey guys, you know the drill. Help yourselves to anything and if you need to crash here later just do so.” he said before walking out of the kitchen towards the buffet table which was half catered and the other half things he cooked himself. “Enjoy!” he called over his shoulder.

“So who is Y/N exactly?” Jihoon asked Seungcheol, “She seems pretty close to everyone here.” 

“She’s the one the guys talk about a lot. Yoongi’s trying to make her his 2.0, Jin watches her like a hawk...it’s a surprise that she was allowed to go to London for the performing arts program. I heard from Yoongi that she finished top of the class.” Seungcheol explained, “Why?” 

“I think I saw her a few days ago at the cafe…” Jihoon muttered.

“Wait, you mean Y/N’s the person that you said literally took your breath away?”  Seungcheol asked and Jihoon nodded. 

“She was sitting by the window working on her laptop but her eyes were so big and her smile…” Jihoon said thinking about when he first saw you and Seungcheol saw the small smile that was making its way to Jihoons face.

“Great, then you should go talk to her.” Seungcheol said while handing him a bottle of ginger ale and a beer. “Wouldn’t hurt right? I’m gonna go see if Jin or Yoongi need any help with anything.” 

And with that, Jihoon was left standing in the kitchen contemplating what to do. He turned to look at you through the door and saw that you were in fact sitting alone on the piano once again waving at people as they arrived. 

“It’s now or nothing.” Jihoon whispered to himself and made his way over to you. 

“Hey” he said coming over and handed the ginger ale to you.

“Hey” you said taking it from his hands and he ignored the electricity that shot through his fingers when your hand brushed his, “Thank you. Where did Seungcheol go?” 

“Something about talking to Jin or Yoongi.” Jihoon answered and thought about how to keep the conversation going. “So I heard that you were a Music comp major.” 

“Yep. I minored in it for the last two years while I was in London but decided to finish it as a major when I got back.” you explained, “What about you?”

“I’m also a Music comp major and dance minor.” Jihoon answered and he felt his face match the smile that was on yours. 

“That’s so dope. So we’re in the same program...third year right?” you asked and Jihoon nodded. “Then are you on the dance team with Soon and Hobi?” 

Jihoon shook his head, “I decided to minor in dance this year so I’m only just starting…I was a music major at my old college before I transferred…I was thinking about trying out this year cause Soonyoung keeps pushing me to” 

“Ah, thats cool, you should totally try out.” you said, “It’s also good to know that I have another Music comp buddy to ask advice from. As much as I like asking Yoongi, he can be too over it sometimes.” you rolled your eyes.

“Buddy?” Jihoon asked wide eyed and you shrugged your shoulders.

“Sure. You seem like your besties with Cheol and Soon and they’re all cool with the guys who live in this house.” you said and for the first time, Jihoon felt himself really smile. 

The two of you eventually moved to one of the couches and started to talk about your common music interest which escalated to similar hobbies. Unbeknownst to you, Yoongi, Seungcheol and Jin were all watching you from the DJ booth with smirks on their faces. 

“I told you Y/N would be the cure.” Jin said crossing his arms with a triumphant smile on his face.

“Yea but if her grades slip because of this, I’m blaming you.” Yoongi said, “She can’t afford to have distractions right now.” 

“You consider one of your mentee’s a distraction? Really?” Seungcheol asked knowing that Jihoon and Yoongi were good friends. “If anything I think it’ll push him harder. He’s finally getting out of the slump he’s been in since he got here.” 

“We’ll see what happens in the near future... “ Jin said as he saw you get tackled by Taehyung and Namjoon which left Jihoon to stare at them with wide eyes. “Now come on, more people are starting to arrive and I need a strong drink.” 

As the night went on, various people who knew you kept coming to say hello and eventually you found yourself hanging out at the DJ booth with Yoongi who had maybe four or five drinks.

“So I see you finally met Jihoon.” he said after the next song started playing. He had noticed that you were watching the blonde throughout the night and he wanted to know your thoughts.

“I think I saw him a few days ago actually...at the cafe where you said to meet. Remember how I got there earlier?” you asked as you wrapped your arms around your legs.

Yoongi nodded his head, “I think that was him sitting towards the back. Did he notice you?” 

“I’m not sure.” you said biting your lip, “What’s the deal with him anyways?” 

“He transferred schools after his ex girlfriend fucked up and he’s been in a slump ever since.” Yoongi explained and you leaned your head on his shoulder. 

“Sounds like someone I know.” you said giving him a side glance. “Talking to him reminds me of you sometimes...Your mannerisms, your facial expressions…”

“You got this all from a few hours?” Yoongi asked and you nodded.

“But you changed…” you said as you watched Jihoon and Soonyoung play beer pong with Jimin and the birthday boy.

“Yea, because you came into my life…” Yoongi said, “If my father didn’t leave that will...I would have never known…” 

“That you had a little sister from an affair? Which is kind of fucked up considering who my mom is…” you said scrunching your nose.

“Yea, you, me and Jin are one fucked up little family.I knew about the affair, I just didn’t know about you. I was in boarding school by then and Jin’s mom had run away and killed herself after you were born..” Yoongi said with a sigh, it was a story you hated bringing up.  “Jin was going through a tough time then my dad had to get into that car accident and leave me his Will telling me I had a little sister who was four years younger than me...holy shit.” 

“How did you find me again?” you asked and Yoongi shrugged. 

“Jin’s father who took me in after dad died played a big role. You were pretty much an orphan so it wasn’t hard...but honestly, it was your personality after we found you that got me. You had so much of dad in you. You were smart, talented, caring except you looked like Jin’s mom which threw him off the first time he met you.” Yoongi said with a slight grin thinking about the time that you introduced yourself to everyone. 

“It was just so messed up and when the paternity tests came back, you and Jin couldn’t even hold it together.” you said and Yoongi laughed.

“We’ve been only childs our whole life and we both found out that we had a sister and over sixteen years to catch up on...Jin and I were just starting college and when his dad said he wanted nothing to do with trash like you…” Yoongi started and you cringed. 

“I don’t think I’ve seen Jin that angry before…” you said thinking back to the day that he had punched his own father in the face. 

“He had every reason to. By then we both took a liking to you and agreed to raise you as his mother and my father would’ve right? Despite going through dark times, you were the light for the both of us and maybe…” Yoongi hesitated and saw that Jihoon was watching the two of you, “Maybe you can be that for Jihoon too.”

You followed Yoongi’s gaze and saw JIhoon’s blank stare that turned into a small smile after you made eye contact with him. 

“You can be his light and guide him like you guided us.” Yoongi said taking another swig of his drink. “I think I’m getting drunk.” 

“You think?” you asked as you shoved him aside, “Go puke, I’ll take over the DJ booth for a while.”

“Yes Mam.” Yoongi said stepping down and walking towards the bathrooms of the large house. You made note that if he wasn’t back in ten minutes, that you would go check the bathroom to make sure he was okay. 

As you played the next song, you felt a presence next to you and saw Jihoon again holding two cups before he handed you one.

“You looked parched.” he said, “Don’t worry, it’s not alcoholic.” 

“Thanks” you said taking the cup from him. “How’s your night going?” 

“A lot better then I expected.” Jihoon answered taking a sip from his own cup, “Is there going to be cake soon?” 

You nodded your head, “We’re trying to keep Kookie as sober as we can till it gets here but you know, he’ll probably end up making a fool of himself anyways. Should be here in about ten minutes or so.” 

Jihoon laughed knowing you were right. Jungkook, Taehyung and Jimin were one of the few people who had issues holding their alcohol unlike the older guys in the house. 

“Do you need any help babysitting?” he asked and you raised your eyebrows at him.

“I should be okay for now...they tend to let more loose once the cake is done and over with.” you said as you saw Taehyung about to strip off his shirt and you quickly signalled Namjoon from across the room who caught on fast and made his way to Taehyung.

You let out a sigh of relief as Jihoon laughed, “I’ve literally been gone for two years and nothing in this house changes.” you huffed. 

“How long have you known everyone exactly?” Jihoon asked and you looked up to count in your head. 

“I met Jin and Yoongi when I was fifteen and I met everyone else a year later…” you said, “It was after my dad died...he left everything to Yoongi, including me.” 

“Wait so you and Yoongi are siblings?” Jihoon asked, it was a question he’d been wanting the answer to all night ever since he saw how comfortable you and Yoongi were getting at the DJ booth. It was why he took his first chance to come and talk to you once he saw Yoongi walk away. The last thing he wanted to find out from someone else was that the only girl he had remotely found interest in was dating his mentor.

“Step siblings…” you said with a nod, “So are Jin and I.” 

Jihoon gave you a weird look as you shrugged.

“Yoongis dad and Jin’s mom had an affair. Mom killed herself when I was two after Jin’s dad remarried and I went to live with Yoongis dad till he passed away in a car accident . Yoongi’s mom didn’t want anything to do with me as the same with Jin’s dad so the two decided to raise me themselves.” you explained clearing the air. “They’ve been taking care of me ever since.”

“Dang…” jihoon whispered, “That’s why they’re so overbearing.”

“But they mean well.” you said, “You have to imagine what it’d be like for two college students to find out about their sister who is now an orphan. It’s why Jin works so hard and Yoongi pushes me to be my best. It’s what our parents would’ve wanted.” 

“I’m glad you’re okay though.” Jihoon said, “You seem to be really happy now.”

“I am...Yoongi and Jin along with the rest of this house is my family. I don’t have anyone else so I treat them like gold.” you said with a smile, “What about you?”

“I’ve known Soonyoung and Seungcheol my whole life, I think it goes back to elementary school. After high school I went to a different university and transferred here after I figured the program wasn’t the right fit.” he said leaving a lot of details out but that was the kind of person he was. He wasn’t going to blerb his sob story to just anyone.. Despite finding you interesting, he didn’t want to scare you away even though you had opened your heart to him already.

After the cake was done, the party got rowdier and by the end of it, you were patting Jungkooks back as he emptied his stomach in his bedroom bathroom.

You never lectured them, you just let them be and took care of them as needed. 

You saw Jihoon help a beyond drunk Soonyoung through the hall and figured that he was going to throw him into one of the many spare bedrooms this house had.

The look Jihoon gave you as he passed by made you laugh causing Jungkook to whine while his head was still in the toilet seat.

“Why are you laughing at meeeee” he said and dry heaved. 

“Because you’re so silly Kookie.” you said patting his back and you heard more puke hit the toilet and thankfully, Jin had finally come into the room fresh from a shower.

“Let me take over birthday boy and you go get yourself cleaned up.” he said and you gave him a thankful smile before getting up and walking out and towards your room. 

After your shower, you came down in a long t-shirt dress to see that the mess was still present but the partiers were long gone and you let out a sigh of relief. You weren’t that tired since jet lag had hit you and you started cleaning up the mess in the kitchen. 

You were humming to yourself when you heard a voice come from behind you and you were surprised to see Jihoon standing there yet again.

“Do you need any help?” he asked letting out a yawn and you shook your head. 

“I got this, I don’t think I’ll be sleeping anytime soon anyways.” you said with a shrug, “Jet lag.” 

You then put down the garbage bag you were holding and took Jihoon’s arm, “You should go get some rest, you never know when your friends are going to wake up.” 

“Chan and Seungcheol took the last room that had a bed.” Jihoon yawned again, “I was just going to head home.”

“Are you crazy? Its 3 in the morning” you said looking at him like he was nuts, “Here follow me.” 

With your hand around Jihoon’s arm, he let you take him up a few stairs to where the main bedrooms were and then at the end of one hallway was your bedroom. 

“You can sleep here tonight.” you said unlocking the door with your key. 

“I can’t this is your room, where are you going to sleep?” Jihoon asked and you shrugged.

“I’ll nap on the couch or something, I’ll be cleaning for a while anyways.” you answered and Jihoon shook his head not liking that answer.

“How about I help you clean up a bit and then we can leave the rest for tomorrow.” he suggested, “I’ll sleep on the floor. I just need a blanket and a pillow.”

“You’re a guest, you aren’t sleeping on the floor.” you argued, “How about we both just take the bed, it’s big enough anyways..” 

“Fine.” Jihoon said reluctantly giving in, “But let me help you tidy up first. It’s the least I could do.” 

New Chapter: Wednesday November 4 8AM PST

[folerdetdufoler]

just because i miss seeing you talk about it and miss the verse, how did isak and even handle isak going abroad in mondays? i know it's discussed a little in the last chapter but not that much

oh god, yes, not that much because i know fuck-all about studying for pharmacology and studying in London so i saved myself some research time and just skipped it. buuuuut i don’t think you’re too hung up on those details so let’s see what happened.

isak waited until the very last minute to book a ticket. his excuse was that he needed to earn more points on his credit card but the real reason was because he didn’t want to go. the program was great, fully endorsed by marte and passing sana’s high standards, but it was in a country that didn’t have even, which is the only con he needed on a pro-con list to call the whole thing off.

obviously he didn’t, because he’s isak, but that’s what his heart was whining about. out loud. on a cold november evening when they were both at their respective desks in the office.

“you’re going to be one time zone away. we’ll cam after your classes.” even reassured him for the third time, not even bothering to turn around. isak stared up at the post-its on the wall and thought about all of the nice things he was going to miss while he was gone. he stood and pulled one down.

“can’t do this on cam.” he carried the neon blue square over to even and pressed it into even’s back, like a bully planting a KICK ME sign. isak leaned over even’s shoulder and planted a kiss at the corner of his mouth. even smiled into it.

“you make an excellent point. make it again.” even spun his chair around so they could kiss properly.

when they broke apart for a breath, even had a plan. “i’m just going to have to visit you then. every day.”

isak laughed and returned to his chair. they stayed facing each other, scooting in close and crossing their ankles together. “can we do something regular though, for real?”

even clicked his tongue. “of course. this isn’t going to be difficult just for you. i’m going to miss you so much.” he reached across the space between them to hold isak’s hand, run his thumb over his knuckles. “i don’t know if i was actually kidding about the every day thing.”

they talked some more, for real, and decided on once a month. it wouldn’t disrupt even’s schedule too much, or his availability for work, and once isak was knee-deep in class and research, he’d probably be distracted enough to survive between visits. and, of course, there was camming. he’d have a private, if small, room, and they’d be able to see each other every day no matter what.

even noticed the post-it note on his back when he leaned against his chair and heard the paper crinkle. he reached behind his shoulders to peel it off. he clicked his tongue again when he read it. “you should pack some of my post-its and make your own wall while you’re over there. whenever something nice happens you can write it down as a reminder. it’ll be good to have like, a visual of positive things and see how it grows.” even untangled himself from their twist of chairs and legs so he could return KISSING YOU to the wall.

“maybe,” isak muttered. the post-its had always been even’s thing. he didn’t want to steal it for himself, even if it might make him feel better about the whole experience. but it was also telling how bummed out he was that even was offering up his post-its. he whined again. “can you kiss me some more so i can memorize it?”

even gave him a faux-gasp as he approached. “you mean you hadn’t already done that?” isak didn’t have time to think of a clever retort before even’s mouth was back on his, his hands sliding up isak’s neck. it was easy to forgot those kisses when they made isak lose his mind. luckily even was happy to remind him.

isak bought his ticket and packed a giant duffel bag. he flew to london in early january. he called even as soon as he landed and stayed on the phone until he got to his dorm, which was actually a cozy room in a five-floor townhouse. he shared a bathroom with three other guys, and mingled with the rest of his housemates in the common rooms on the ground floor. it was a tight fit but there was privacy, and isak could cam with headphones unbothered. even made him set up his tiny desk next to the window for the best light, even though most of their sessions happened long after the sun had set.

during the first few days, while isak was just getting settled and before classes started, he was bored. he ran errands with his housemates when necessary but didn’t take much effort to leave the house. as he slowly unpacked he found the post-its that even had snuck into his bag before he’d left. isak wrote THANK YOU LOVE YOU on one and slapped it onto his own forehead, taking a selfie and sending that to even. isak appreciated the gesture, the reminder, but still wasn’t sure he wanted to start a wall of his own. he kept the post-its on his desk and used them for other reminders, like when he had to go buy milk or his assigned day to clean the bathroom or the country codes when he had to call outside the UK.

even was on a business trip during isak’s first weekend in london, and rather than join his housemates for an exploratory pub crawl around the city he stayed in and worked on his thesis. it was comforting work, because it reminded him of sitting at his desk at home, or at the counter at helene’s, where even was usually within arm’s reach. it was comforting, but also a bit torturous, letting himself pine for something that was months away.

isak wrote MISSING YOU on the top of the post-it stack. then he googled how many days until his return flight. then he had an idea.

he only had one window, so he had three viable walls to choose from. two had doors though, one for a closet, one to the hallway. this only left the wall that his bed was lined up against, but he figured that was fine. it would be within reach, the first thing he saw when he woke up and the last thing he’d see before bed. he started writing.

when even went online later that night, he gave isak a quick tour of his hotel room. isak gave even one in return, spinning his laptop around to show off how he spent the evening decorating.

“you made a wall! holy shit. that’s a lot of nice things.”

“um, not exactly.” isak unplugged his laptop and carried it closer, slowly running the camera over the cloud of notes hovering above his bed. even read them out loud.

“missing you. missing you. missing you. missing…. baby, are they all the same?”

when isak turned the laptop back around and settled it on his bed, sitting in front of it, he saw even pouting. “yup. that’s my wall.”

“i’m glad you’re using the post-its but that’s…kind of a bummer. and like, major serial killer vibes.” the pout turned into a good-natured cringe. “i’m afraid what your roommates will think if they see it.”

“i guess….” isak started laughing, finally realizing what the wall looked like to someone not head-over-heels in love with even. but it wasn’t enough to undo the hour of work he’d put into it, or deny the truth of it all. “no one except you is getting that close to my bed though, so maybe they won’t see it.”

“baby, i’m all the way in norway and it still looks pretty…intense.” even was sucking in air through his teeth as if he’d just witnessed a major red flag on a first date. except he was already engaged to this particular creep and couldn’t back out now.

“i’m using it like a calendar. there’s one note for every day i’m here. and every day i can throw one away.” to demonstrate isak reached over and plucked the nearest one to him. he brought it in front of the camera and crumpled it up, tossing it in the vague direction of his tiny bin. “that’s one less day i’m missing you, one day closer to kissing you.”

even sighed, leaning his head on his hand. “fuck. i’m really going to marry the most romantic creep in the world, aren’t i?”

“i’m like the world’s hottest serial killer.” they couldn’t kiss on cam, but they could still tease the hell out of each other.

“till death do us part.”

even laughed long and hard when he made his first visit and got to see the wall in person. it had fewer notes but was still an impressive burst of color taking up most of the space. he also got a small thrill when he was able to pick off a note and crumple it up himself during his trips. it was so much more satisfying than watching isak do it every night on camera, much like everything else they did on camera.

as small as the bed was, they made good use of it. one time even made the mistake of resting against the wall after a particularly strenuous session that had left them sweating, and when he peeled away from it several of the notes came with him, stuck to his back and damp with bliss. the MISSING YOU blurred and bled into blobs of nothing, which happened whenever even was in the same room as isak, so it was appropriate.

with each monthly visit and the surprise one in between, even and isak watched the post-its dwindle until only a few remained, until his wall looked less like a serial killer’s bedroom and more like a little love letter to a long-distance relationship. it was proof of what they had survived, together, apart. isak was proud when he was able to pull down the last note and crumple it up, but he stopped himself before he actually tossed the paper. he realized he wanted to keep it, a trophy from the semester, a token from the whole experience. he could put it on their wall at home, or he could keep it for himself, just tucked away in a drawer. it wasn’t necessarily a nice thing, missing even, but it was a reminder of something even better. to miss even was to love him. it was just a kiss with a little bit of distance.

isak missed even while he was in London and then isak kissed even when they reunited at the airport. there was only love in the space between.

[thewayshefeels1]

June 2016

June 2016

Hi. I don’t know where to begin… I got to my car & saw your letter. My heart stopped & I didn’t know what to expect. It’s crazy because I dreamt of you the night before. I don’t remember too well, but you said you hated me & I was a bitch... I woke up in a bad mood. The past few weeks have been a roller coaster I wouldn’t want to ride again. I was anxious to open it, as if there were a bomb inside. I was afraid what it might say, something like my dream? That you think I’m heartless? Thanks for taking time to write me. I would handwrite too but it would take 14659 hours & be 10 pages long so I figured typing is more efficient. It’s no exaggeration when I say you’ve been on my mind every hour since I last saw you. Possibly since I became your girlfriend & before that too. It means a lot that you poured your heart out to me; I know how vulnerable you must feel & I can’t imagine what it took since when we met you had this wall up. Now’s my turn, and I know this laptop is going to be coated with tears by the time I’m done.

A lot can happen in 6 months but I never expected this. Honestly, I tried to stop thinking of you but no matter how much time goes by or what I do, there’s always moments when I see, smell or hear something that takes me back. I’m aware forgetting you is impossible. I don’t want to have to get over you. I tell you that you don’t want my problems & you say it’s not for me to decide. It’s messy; love for me is like heaven but hell too. How can the same thing make you feel so alive & dead at the same time? I’m either a sunny day with a breath of fresh air or a thunderstorm and when it rains it pours. (I tried to stay your sun). I still see a spark in you; the potential you had to light me on fire… it drew me to you, what I fell for.  When we’d laugh about dumb shit, the way you breathe when you sleep & I’d listen to your heartbeat. Your love for ghetto music & random disco tracks. I sprung out of bed the day after you kissed me. But getting out of bed is nearly impossible now. I know you want answers, but so do I. Something you said frequently during our relationship was that I made you [do] this & that etc. I can’t help how you interpret things but I mean it when I say I never meant to be anything other than loving. I was never good at saying goodbye. I remember our first kiss, the stars were out. It felt like I was flying. I hoped to never leave your side. Most days I act just fine, but I can't handle it at night. You gave me some of my best memories. (BTW this is going to be scattered, my thoughts are all over the place.)

It’s frightening when someone brings so much happiness to your life because any second they can take it away. It was never my intention to leave. The last thing I wanted was for it to be this way. We’re opposite: you’re collected & I’m off the wall. You’re a walker, I’m a runner. All I do is run; run away before I am left. That way, if you were to go first I wouldn’t be left a fool. But I’m still here, empty. It never serves me in the end. Fear makes you do odd things. Now I can’t even listen to my favorite songs because it’s too painful. I don’t know why you feel like a ghost. There’s countless nights when I’m desperate to call & hear your voice. I’m lonely & need you to reassure me everything is ok. I want to tell you I miss you but I won’t. I’ll throw my phone, turn it off & cry myself to sleep. It’s excruciating. I feel like I’m in rehab, getting off a drug. I hope you know my feelings are still there. I feel safe when I’m wrapped in your arms & they became a home to me. But even the best homes get damaged sometimes.  A week after I saw you last, I had a seizure. My doctor says its stress or the onset of narcolepsy. I’m nauseous every day and feel like I have the health of a 75 year old. I’ve been trying to not let shit get the best of me as I wait to go to treatment. My insurance had to be taken care of to get into an inpatient facility. It’s an E.D & PTSD program. I had to be medically cleared with my doctor & finish paperwork for the financial officer to ensure my LOA went through. I should be gone by next week. I pray your family is well. Give everyone a hug & pet your cats for me lol. I sense I’ve lost myself; I try to focus on making others happy & forgot I’m supposed to be happy too. You know you’re attached to someone when you’ve gotten so used to talking on a daily basis but when you don’t it’s like part of you is gone. I thought I was prepared but it still hurts. Relationships are funny, I don’t want to be depressing [no really] but it’s like you get to know every detail just to forget it all when you stop. You had me so mesmerized but I was in pain a lot more than I led on. I don’t know how I can give you what you want if I can’t give it to myself. This doesn’t mean I don’t love you, I’ve just learned sometimes that’s not enough. I really wanted it to be you god damn it, I did.

I see the best in you and will always be around. No one really knows what forever means & we don’t see what's real until it's gone. I hate looking outside my window to not see you waiting in my driveway. It’s funny how time flies... 6 months feels like a lifetime ago. I loved when I’d look at you… I've never stared so intently. I tried to cherish you. I've loved and I have been hurt but you were like every hope I’d ever had. This is far from easy, as much as it may look. I’m a hot mess. You entertain my thoughts like a fantasy. It’s torture because you’re within reach but seem untouchable. When I’m in my car and drive past spots we’ve gone they look so dark. Back then I wasn’t afraid of anything, with you I was impenetrable. But real life always has to sink in. One night I drove home from work & was a complete wreck. You know that feeling, like your hearts been snatched out your chest. I didn’t go inside. I was just sobbing in my car, looking at the stars, my head on the steering wheel. I drove to the dead end street “our spot” It was the second or 3rd night I met you and we were driving around. You told me about a girl who was your friend you were in love with. You said she friend zoned you and that was one of the only girls you loved. I remember thinking “she is so lucky, how could she do that?” Life is nothing but irony.

I lit up with you; I felt myself come to life and blossom. You stole my heart and I never thought I’d have yours. I found something in my journal the other day… “it would be a privilege to have my heart broken by him.” It’s a line from a movie. I wrote that down when we first started seeing each other. Heartbreak is never a privilege. Some may think so, because you got a chance to know the person in the first place. I question if anybody is ever really yours or if it’s just your turn? From the start I tried to seem positive because that’s what I was told to do. I wanted you to like me and felt being my pessimistic self wasn’t good. I told myself you were the perfect one to risk it for. It’s Wednesday now and I’ve been working on this for a few days. I asked Dina what I should say, and she told me not to answer. I’ve realized the last few weeks I need to stop listening to what everybody tells me to do and listen to myself. I’ve ignored my gut for so long I forgot I have a voice. Every night when the sunsets I think of you. I went outside and laid on the ground the other night and stared at the moon amongst the stars. I was thinking about you and the fact that we share the same view. Nights are the worst. It comes rushing in waves, ready to pull me under. Sometimes I feel stupid I let you get so close to me. I know I’m hard to love. Some days I’m all smiles and affection while others all I want to do is lie in bed, silent. It is hard to refer to you as my ex. Friends is better than nothing right? But what does friends mean? I can’t believe I am revealing so much of this to you. I try to never let anyone in. I told mom I don’t think I could go the rest of my life without you. And now our forever turned into times to remember. You’re like a drug I can’t break free from. Love is addicting, that’s why I try to never let it win, I always lose control. I doubt you’ll ever realize the impact you had. You repeatedly said I never told you anything, but a lot of people keep their feelings to themselves because they’re tired of pouring their hearts out to the wrong person.

I have to fall in love with myself but don’t know how to. All I know is I can’t rely on another for my happiness. I can’t depend on somebody else’s acceptance for my own. As of right now there’s a record in my head saying I don’t need love, I don’t want love, I am unlovable. I will reject love when it comes because there is no such thing. I cannot trust, it is not safe. I don’t want to fake a smile, I don’t want you to either. I don’t want you to feel as if you’re responsible for me. This doesn’t mean I couldn’t stick it out longer, I’m just not that tough. My mom told me I should’ve been straight up from the start. I’ve never been good at that. How can I trust another when I don’t trust myself? I am terrified of my own voice. I wish you could hear everything I’m afraid to say. I’ll start with this… I was severely confused; you lit me up or left me aching. Half the time what we had was incredible, I was so comfortable around you. Butterflies, slow motion, electricity. Then there were times you said you loved me but the next second it was like you couldn’t stand me. I apologized for things I wasn’t sorry for. You insinuated I let you down & I didn’t feel “cut out” I just felt I couldn’t please you. Even typing this makes me nervous. Like my heart speeds up and I should never say this aloud. Were all just looking for someone who cares enough to try, right? Someone who remembers the little things. I never meant to play games, God knows life is hard enough already. You declared I will simply move on & “throw away everything” as if it’s so easy for me. No. If anything that destroys me more. It’s like fighting against the current. I see you everywhere, like a spirit haunting me. Your smile is sketched on the back on my eyelids and I can’t erase it. I’ve had all these feelings extracted and I don’t know what to do with them. They make me uncomfortable. Crazy how there are billions of people in this world and one can do that to you (all it takes is one). It’s not as if I’m walking away with a sigh of relief and you’re the only one suffering. And everyone with their unhelpful, mundane advice “there’s plenty of fish in the sea, just move on.” They don’t know. I hate the thought that people are replaceable. Is there a way to master the art of falling? Love can be as fatal as falling off a mountain. In psychology, there are 6 love styles & my type is self-sacrificing, compassionate and has trouble receiving. I will often choose suffering in order to comply with others needs. The advantage is generosity, but the disadvantage is it can induce feelings of guilt and resentment and the obvious potential to be taken advantage of. I thought I already knew what it was like to be broken but, no. Did I mention I hate goodbyes? They are so painful, might as well be hit by a bus. If anyone knows anything about me, they know I’d rather be in a coma than lose somebody. Grief is excruciating, you feel so helpless. Certainly our hearts shatter and things tear us in two, but will they end us? I wish I was strong like you, you must get it from your mom. Once I stop searching for a home in others and come home to myself, maybe I’ll be able to accept true intimacy, instead of rejecting and hiding from it it. My pretending to be “ok” game is strong as hell. My feelings for you were real… I loved being in your presence. I could sit next to you and that would be enough. I can’t say if I fell for you the first night or from the moment I saw you, all I know is remembering being across you and realizing somehow nothing else mattered when I was with you. You were a story I so desperately wanted to read. I was devastated at the thought of you getting tired of me. But people never stay and there’s nothing you can do about it. Yet now you’re asking me to. How do we manage? It hurts. It didn’t feel real at first but once it did it was suffocating. You have to let feelings pass and go through you. Why am I feeling abandoned when I’m the one who left? All I have lost left a profound cavern in my soul nothing can fill. I want you to know that sometimes people are sad and they don’t know why. We don’t necessarily need  a reason to be. I am exhausted. I wake up tired like I’m drowning in a black wave. Depression isn’t a bad day and it’s not always brought on by a situation. You can have a great life but there’s emptiness in your heart. Look at celebrities who commit suicide, it’s real. Sometimes it’s the things you can’t see that are the most real. Mental disorders don’t care if your parents are together or if you have a home. The brain is an organ. Mental illness is a sick brain. Telling someone you’re not really sick or it’s all in your head is like telling someone with asthma “it’s not real, it’s all in your lungs”.

Pretending not to love you is heart wrenching. Someone said people will leave your life and you can’t fall apart every time it happens. I see the best in you, I just have to figure out who I am, and seed out the person I create to please others. I hope you can try to understand & I will try to understand your absence. Whether you reply in fury, or I never hear from you again, I will try to be ok with it because love can get hard and hurt sometimes. Promise me if you love someone you’ll tell them. Even if you’re afraid or it seems stupid, please just say it. Words have so much power and sometimes it’s the things we don’t hear that have the most impact. Silence is dangerous and it kills me to say this because I don’t want to picture it, but l I should. If a girl comes along and she is everything you want, I hope she gives you what I couldn’t. I hope her heart swells like mine and its wonderful, like a flower blossoming. She won’t want the excitement & sensations to stop because she’s afraid there’s a dead end like me. I hope it continues and the honeymoon period doesn’t end so fast like you said ours did. She’ll be precious and see the sparkle in your eye I wish I could bottle up. Her flame won't dim like mine because you’re the fire to keep her warm. I’m a brick wall on the brink of crumbling. You won’t have to worry about how many guys want her because you’ll believe it when she says she only wants you. Shell taste like violets; then you can forget the taste of me and not hurt anymore. I pray she has kindness in her eyes and a huge place in her heart for your family. I hope your mom loves her and Michelle & her become best friends (I hope she likes cats too). I hope she treats you good and you treat her better. I hope your love feels right. When you let people see the darkest corners of your soul, what makes you lonely and why you cry at night, it's paralyzing because they can judge you; they can run and not turn back. My mind is like a dictionary no one comprehends, of agony and heartache. I just want to hold your hand… I miss that. But I also miss myself. And when you look at me I either feel I’m on top of the world or the bottom of the sea.

Don’t you dare think for one second I’m pushing you away because I don’t love you. I’m sorry if this is sending mixed messages, I just care too much to let you think I can live without you so easily. I’m constantly torn between if you want it go for it and if it’s meant to be it will. Maybe I knew from the start I couldn’t keep you, but I tried anyway, boy did I try. It’s a tragedy when someone you know becomes someone you knew; you walk around not knowing what’s happening in each other’s lives. We’re just strangers with a past, expected to carry on like nothing ever happened. They tell me to move on, as if I can make memories evaporate from my mind. I promise I’m trying to be okay with this. Maybe change is a good thing but it kills me. I know it’s necessary and the only guarantee in life but I try to avoid it, which rarely works out. Thank you for letting me have moments where I could be myself; I didn’t have to try to be perfect and you still accepted me. I don’t know how to live without you but I guess I just will and it gets a little easier each day. The reality of me not mattering to you is like slowly withering, but I can’t be selfish and want it both ways. It hurts when you have someone in your heart but you can’t have them in your arms and I wish feelings left when people do. Know that I love you with every fucked up, broken piece of my heart. I wish you nothing but health & happiness wherever you go. I need to give myself the love I never knew. We can’t break each other and call it love because loving someone is not the same as being too scared to be alone. I don’t want you to have to fill the empty parts of me. 1+1=2 but 1+.5 only equals 1 ½. People cannot make up for what we think we lack. Idk why we believe people will complete us when they can only complement. They say “if you are not enough for yourself you will never be enough for someone else”. If I’ve learned anything from you it’s that how you love yourself is how you teach others to love you. And if I’ve taught you anything, I hope it’s that to be soft isn’t weak, it is strong. It’s part of the human experience to experience emotion, do not be afraid. I hope you can fall in love with your solitude in the meantime as well.

Love, Lauren

[unofficialxstyles]

GYM RAT-Chapter One

“Did you not hear me the first time?” I cast my gaze in his direction, glaring this time. “We do not talk about it,”

Liam picked up on the distress hanging on my last word and true to his best friend, asshole roommate nature, he balled it up and shot it straight to my chest.

“Gym, Robin. Just say it, you’re going to the gym,” he cheekily whispered, his lips upturned into a half smile.

Oh fuck.

I reckon I had made better decisions in my life. Granted, there were not many of them but I liked to think that after years of semi-adult decision making, I had made at least one decent decision.

Like, for example, going out on that McDonald’s Chicken Nugget run at three in the morning just last week because really, there was no way in hell anything could come between me and my need for chicken nugget.

Hence, having had experience making decent decisions, anyone would think that by now, I could handle any and all that came my way.

I mean how hard could it be, right?

Clearly, I was dead wrong and by the time I had realised it, I had made the single most grave decision of my life.

Looking back, perhaps I should have thought about it thoroughly before muttering anything. I could have done a million other things and gone back to it or I could have decided not to make a decision when I was running on four hours of sleep-and away from a mounting pile of work. There were alternatives, basically, but I chose to be hasty, anyway.

Nothing new there.

“So, Robin, when is this happening?” Liam questioned from where he sat-front left from where I was. I grunted, indicating both my displeasure and unwillingness to answer. Liam, unfazed, pressed on. “It’s today, isn’t it?”

Ah, yes, go ahead and remind me.

“Fuck off, Li,” I mumbled, fingers still poised over the keyboard, my eyes skittering across the screen as I typed grand plans for my next lesson. “Yes, it’s today. Now will you shut up about it?”

I could feel Liam smirking through my laptop screen but I refused to confirm my suspicions, telling myself I needed to focus on the task at hand instead. The lesson plans were due almost three hours ago and any time between now and midnight, my boss would give me a ring, barking from the other end of the line about how teachers should have discipline and time management and all the bloody crap I had heard a million times before. I, therefore, had a goal to accomplish before the exact moment all hell broke lose on my ear drums-it would not survive another round merciless torture, sadly. Talking to Liam and/or entertaining him, would not help my case in the slightest.

“Aye, Rob. Teachers don’t swear now, do they? I don’t know why the idea is so adverse to you, anyway. Whichever way you look at it, this is a good thing. Firstly, you didn’t have to pay for it. Secondly, how hard could it be? And thirdly…think about that bet with your brother,” Liam listed, unaware and unconsciously unsupportive of my immediate goal.

“Did you not hear me the first time?” I cast my gaze in his direction, glaring this time. “We do not talk about it,”

Liam picked up on the distress hanging on my last word and true to his best friend, asshole roommate nature, he balled it up and shot it straight to my chest.

“Gym, Robin. Just say it, you’re going to the gym,” he cheekily whispered, his lips upturned into a half smile.

Oh fuck.

I reached for the cushion, conveniently located to my right, and launched it at him. Liam ducked just in time and chuckled darkly before standing up, stretching, and strolled in the general direction of his room. As if to rile me up further, he ruffled my hair on the way out, mumbling the forbidden “G” word into my ear.

Asshat.

By the time the little interaction was over, the words on the screen had begun to float, my mind elsewhere as I glanced at the time on my laptop and noted that I had exactly two hours, five minutes and thirty seconds before my date with death. Considering I needed an hour to actually get there and another hour to talk myself into it. I shut my laptop close and heaved out a long sigh, throwing my head back against the sofa, mumbling a series of profanities.

The act alone caused me to once more consider why I had made the decision in the first place and for the millionth time, attempt to find a way to wiggle out of it. I had thought of several, by the way, the most extreme (and really, the most fool proof) being faking my own death but even that was thrown out the window. Apparently, unless someone produced a death certificate, your membership continued to be valid and you were expected to turn up.

So much for the G word not being a place for torture.

Knowing I had to move it or risk being late and unprepared, I placed the laptop on the already overcrowded coffee table and proceeded to change. Needless to say, when I opened my semblance of a cupboard, I found nothing appropriate to wear because anyone who knew me probably would have known that active wear was definitely not my wardrobe staple. After rummaging around the depths of the abyss that was my pile of clothes, however, I found a lone sports bra, a pair of what looked like sport shorts and an oversized t-shirt.

These would have to do for now.

Stepping out afterwards, I grimaced as I caught my reflection in the mirror Liam had installed by the kitchen, next to the fridge. “For flexing”, he had reasoned. The girl staring back at me wore a perplexed, grumpy expression and looked nothing like Robin Westwood, king of sweat pants and graphic t-shirts. At that very unfortunate moment, Liam stepped out from his room-and gasped dramatically.

“You’re doing it!” he teased, standing next to me, poking my arm repeatedly as if it was the button at the end of the Ninja Warrior course. His wore an amused expression, though I could not deny the underlying excitement beneath it. “You, Robin Westwood, going out on a weekend and to the most holy of places,”

He then had the nerve to mimic the sound of stadium cheering followed by a corny version of a rain (read: victory) dance.

“Liam, for the last time. Can we stop talking about it? We all know I’m going to die there,” I replied flatly, sauntering over to the kitchen to fill up my water bottle. If I was going to die, I was going to die hydrated, at least.

“You’re not going to die, Rob. Would you stop being over the top about it? Give it a try; you’ll find that you like it,”

“In what universe?” I questioned. “Do you remember how to work the microwave?”

I capped my bottle and slid it into the pack I had.

“Why do I need to know how to use the-” Liam stopped himself and rolled his eyes, running a hand through his close crop. “For the last time, Rob, you’re not going to die,”

By then I knew it was pointless arguing so I waved my hand dismissively, having worked up enough courage to actually walk out the door.

“Have fun, Robin! Can’t wait to hear all about it!” I heard Liam shout as the door closed behind me.

One could only hope.

The trip to the G word seemed longer than it actually was. I attempted to distract myself by burying my nose into my phone, eyeballs deep in ASOS and the sneakers section. That, however, proved to be feeble because half of my brain was reminding me of my impending doom. When the train halted at my stop, I all but dragged my feet out and up onto the street.

Then, as if the universe was mocking me (or trying to show me a sign), a thing happened.

During my second stab of effort to distract myself from the walk to hell, someone ran into me-and it was not one of those light shove, brush past kind of ran into, either. It was a full-blown attack, not unlike the one Captain America unleashed upon his enemies. It came from the back and caught me extra off guard, causing me to stumble, and tumble, face forward onto the pavement ahead of me.

Ah, fuck.

“Damnit! It’s a pavement, not a bloody track,” I muttered, rolling over like an injured puppy almost immediately to save my bruised ego. I pulled up and dusted my knees, which were thankfully spared from the assault, just as a pair of bright green shoes came into my line of vision.  

“Sorry, love,” came the unexpected reply that sounded male, an undertone of genuine regret lacing his voice. A hand shot out to accompany the bright green monstrosity.

I always told the kids at school never to hold a stranger’s hand, mostly for hygiene purposes, but looking at me now, they would probably have raised eyebrows and trust issues because against my own damn advice, I took the hand, hoisting myself up. Any effort to get up on my own would be futile without me looking like an injured bird and there was already enough embarrassment in the last two minutes to last me an entire week.

“You really should be more careful,” were the next words I said. It should have been a ‘thank you’, I know, but I was far too high strung and the last thing I needed at that point was to deal with people who did not follow pavement etiquette.

Even if the stranger was rather cute.

After making sure no major organs and limbs were compromised in the mishap, I had a good look at the stranger, curly man bun and all. He was tall, lean and wearing a dimpled smile with his shorts and t-shirts. Lucky for him, his green eyes bore a hint of remorse or this encounter would have gone much worse.

“And you really should not be looking at your phone while walking. You would have heard me shouting a warning,” was his reasonable come back. “What was so interesting, anyway? Your ex-boyfriend’s new man?”

“What?”

“Nothing. You’re okay, right? I don’t have to pay any insurance? Your boobs are intact?” Stranger Danger went on, giving me the once over. I had to fight the urge to cover myself at the mild invasion of privacy, though I did roll my eyes for his pleasure. His eyes trailed back up to my face and he nodded, as if silently approving of what he saw.

“My boobs are fine, thank you,” I replied sarcastically,anyway, my arms crossed over my chest. “Don’t go around hurting other people,”

“I won’t,” His expression was solemn for a minute before the dimpled grin was back and he raised an arm up in farewell. Then, to my utter shock, he bowed.

Actually bowed.

Before I had a chance to say anything, however, Stranger Danger hurtled ahead in the direction he was headed to before, leaving me with furrowed brows and a bout of genuine curiosity. I should probably add that my mouth was hanging ajar, too.

Nothing was going right-or glamorously-for me it seemed.

The inkling of doom coupled with the tiny catastrophe with Stranger Danger should have served as warning for me to turn back and never head to the G word. I should not have cared about the obscene fee they would make me pay to cancel the membership or my brother’s smug grin when he won the bet but Robin Westwood was nothing if not a fighter.

So, mumbling my thirty seventh profanity in a span of thirty minutes, I plodded to Hell.

A/N: HELLO! This is my first fic in a while so fingers crossed that you liked it? This is sort of inspired by a friend of mine who’s a real life personal trainer and he joked once that he wanted to star in a movie centred around gym/training etc so idk this came out somehow? Anyways!! Questions: What’s your first impression of Robin? How’d you think she’d fare at the gym? Let me know what you think here!

[venomsequence]

Chapter 1 Venom Au

Christmas and News Years kicked my ass, so there was a way bigger gap between chapters than what I wanted. 

Also, my sister is too busy to beta read, so sorry for any mistakes or ooc-ness.

Kitty flung the rock towards the window of her ex-flat and went to pick up another one to continue her torment as the window burst open.  "Kathline Jones, what do you want?!"

Kitty looked up to see the furious face of Nathanial Underwood staring down at her. She waved at him, "I am here to pick up my stuff, your new roommates wouldn't open the door yesterday. Well-"  Kitty motioned to the girl peering over Nat's shoulder, "She did, but then she slammed it so hard she nearly broke Jacob's nose."

Nat sighed and then left the window throwing a "Fine" over his shoulder. Kitty gave the girl, Jane or something, a view of her finger before heading to the door and taking out her phone to call the others. They had decided to stay around the corner in case the police were called.

Again.

Asmira and Jacob were there by the time Nat opened the door to Kitty leaving him to comment on their car, "I see you let Kitty take care of the car then." Giving a once over to the rusted metal and strange noises that the car produced even while still.

Asmira slammed the door shut to the point that Jacob jumped as he got out and went to check for damage. With how much rust on the hinges that was it was not an unfounded concern. Jacob once done turned to respond, "Is it really that weird to see a car is one piece? Well I suppose with your-"

"I crashed the car once!"

"And it was scrap by the time they got it off that tree." Asmira joined in, "And you were also the one who said we didn't need insurance."

"I paid my fair share of damages!"

"Fair share!?" Jacob took over from Asmira leaving Jacob and Nathanial to argue oblivious to the world and Nat's flat open to it. Kitty went to pick up the last few boxes of her stuff and Asmira continued into the flat for reasons unknown and that Kitty did not think she wanted to know. The only other person was Jane who took one look at the group and left with the excuses of work at the office.  

Kitty had loaded all 5 boxes into the car and went to the kitchen to wait for Jacob and Nat to realize everyone else was done. Might as well grab some wine if they were going to make her wait. Asmira was on a laptop and reading whatever was on it only looking up to talk briefly, "His firm is doing work for that Makepeace weirdo now."

"Asmira, you are doing what got me kicked out. You are doing it as we are picking my stuff up after having to wait for two months for him to even talk to me."

"He couldn't have been that mad, iot’s not likr he threw out your stuff." Before Kitty could respond Jacob and Nathanial walked back in. If Nathanial had looked angry before, then he was venomous when he saw Asmira on his laptop.

"What do you think you are doing?!" If voices could kill then the block would be massacred.

Asmira looked at him dead in the eye and then went to email all she could to herself. Kitty held back Nat so he would not get hurt and Jacob pulled Asmira out of the apartment.

****

Ptolemy heard the noise of one of the symbiote as it slammed against the glass again, after it happening so often he had stopped jumping at the sound ages ago, "Hello Khaba." Ptolemy said as he turned around.

"How-" Khaba began but his surprise took his words, "You didn't see me come in."

Ptolemy pointed at the pitch black symbiote that was trying to break through the glass by slamming it's self against the wall again and again, "Your shadow misses you."

Khaba huffed and went to pull a seat up next to Ptolemy, "They are always doing that, it is what happens when you trap such a strong being." Ptolemy could attest it would only happen when the lawyer was around, but that was not his concern. Khaba stared down at the container Ptolemy was working on, "Must be a struggle to be an exception to its kind."

"You are projecting, Khaba." Ptolemy watched the rabbit reorganize its enclosure, "What do you want? Or did you only come to see Shadow or insult Ryekt?"

"You named it- Never mind. Your insanity is of no concern." Khaba placed a collection of folders on the table, "I need you to look at these cases. I am going off what you told me and we seem safe, but I want you to double check that the defendants are not close to humans biologically. I will see you in an hour." Khaba left and the banging from Shadow slamming it's self over and over creased.

Ptolemy took said container and left it in the specimen area before it could begin causing a racket when Khaba came back.

Ptolemy slumped back into his seat and turned to the rabbit and the black snake thing that had popped out of its neck, "Ryekt? What does Shadow see in Khabe?"

"His reflection in that bald head maybe? Torment has terrible taste in hosts-" Ptolemy looked down at the snake and the snake looked back up to Ptolemy, "You would not be able to just ignore that would you?"

"You can talk!"

"No, you are just hallucinating and nothing is really happening."

"Don't be stupid. I need-" Ptolemy began, but was stopped as the alien suddenly interjected at him.

"How do you expect them to believe you?"

 Ptolemy turned to the bunny that was suddenly black,now with purple tendrils and a toothy maw, "I have a recorder, they can't argue was evidence that strong." Ptolemy went back to searching for the recorder and went to the tank with it in hand.

The bunny said nothing.

Ptolemy rolled his eyes "Have you really gone silent? That is not going to work I can make you talk again."

The rabbit puffed itself to appear bigger, “Trust me when I say what torture you can come up with is nothing compared to what Oblivan can do to me.”

Ptolemy stopped the recorder, stomach sinking as he spoke, "Torture? I never said anything about torture."

"Oh, how you planning on getting me to speak?"

"I- I-," He wouldn't have would he? Ptolemy had to admit he was not that sure. He was not even sure how he get here? He had found sentient life and his first thought was to tell a man who would turn the creature into a weapon. Ptolemy felt disgust well up inside him and he sat down on his chair as he placed his head in his hands,  "I'm sorry."

"You're what?"

Ptolemy looked up at the still fanged rabbit watching it before speaking, "I am sorry. I should not be doing this, no one should be doing any of this. I don't even know why I am here, this is not where I wanted to be." Ptolemy felt tired, he had not thought about how he had abandoned his hopes of helping people and let himself grow bitter for a long time.

"…." Ryket did not respond at first, but eventually, he spoke again, "Where did you want to be?"

Ptolemy stared at Ryket, "I, at some point,  just wanted to help people and I guess I eventually wanted to find new lifeforms. Something to prove to myself that good was still out there since I gave up with looking for it in humans."

The symbiote did what Ptolemy thought was meant to be sigh, "You're not going to find good with us."

Ptolemy smiled at the strange slime, "Really? I think you are good, look how concerned you are for me, just after you thought I was going to torture you."

The bunny's fur stood on end and it looked away, "Don't be ridiculous." It avoided eye contact while Ptolemy laughed, "What do you like to be called? You call me Ryekt, I should get to call you something."

"I'm Ptolemy and shouldn't I know your real name?"

"Ryekt works perfectly well, let's keep that."

"Ok, then. To move to happier conversations.: how does it feel to have revealed your ability to speak because you couldn't keep your mouth shut?"

"Shut up."

[fyeahpeterandeveryone]

Request for Anonymous Gif Source: Top / Derek / Peter

------- Musing -------

They were only 3 days into researching contractors to rebuild the Hale house and Peter thought he might end up throwing the laptop...or Derek out the window. They had been dating for years, and were family long before that, so how had he not realized this was going to be so difficult. Well, more like Derek was being difficult. Peter just wanted to start rebuilding. It had even gotten to the point that they had called in Scott and Stiles for there recommendations and advice, that ended when Derek almost broke the Stilinski boys' hand.

If Peter had been a less confident or even a more anxious person he would wonder if the delays had something to do with him, about their moving in together finally. He knew it wasn't that though, the look on Derek's face when he first suggested they renovate the old Hale house alone told him that Derek had been ecstatic about the idea. Enough was enough however and he decided he was going to get to the bottom of this tonight. He planned to meet Derek at the loft so Derek would feel more comfortable.

As the time approached Peter sat in Derek's sparse living room and waited, trying to keep his nerves under control. Thankfully Derek walked in a little while later. Peter knew he would have to go on the offensive quick or Derek would get to pensive and broody to discuss whatever issues he was harboring so Peter politely asked him to join him and then as gently as he could asked Derek point blank, "Do you really want to live together Derek?"

Derek looked a little taken aback by the question but answered quickly, "Yes, why?"

"Why? Really Derek." When Derek only stared at him Peter continued, "When I first asked if you wanted to live together and rebuild our home you seemed excited, giddy even, if you can ever really get giddy." At Derek's pensive galre Peter smirked but continued, "but ever since we started renovations, you've been withdrawing in on yourself. Not talking to me and disregarding every idea from contractors, friends, Stiles, even ideas I give to you. I just..." Peter paused taking a breath. "I just want you to know if you changed your mind there is no pressure. I want you to be happy with me, and as weird as it is I'm trying to take the non-selfish route here."

Derek laughed at Peter's quip but then his face went serious again and he looked away. "I's my fault.” Peter looked at him, puzzled, but stayed silent so Derek could speak. "If I had never,....we would...they would....everyone would still be alive. It's my fault."

The second Peter worked out what Derek was referring to he immediately got angry, but the scared and worried look in Derek's eyes had him trying to calm himself.

"If I had listened to you, if I had never...with Kate...everything would be OK. Our family would still be...." Derek kept pausing and Peter knew he was struggling to finish those thoughts. The Hale's had long been buried but the scars they left behind, literally and metaphorically, still lingered on both of them.

"It's not just that either, if the fire hadn't happened you would have been fine. Healthy. Sane. You would have never been in a coma, never been so hurt, never have hurt us. I just, I know. I know I could mess it all up again and then you would either leave me or....or worse. You would become the thing I hate again."

Peter closed his eyes at the look in Derek's. The pain and torment lingering there was too much for him to take especially since he knew he was the cause of some if it. So he kept his eyes closed as he took a deep breath and said, "Derek, I know me saying this won't alleviate everything but I want you to listen. None of that. Absolutely none of it was your fault." He opened his eyes again to see the stubborn resolve on Derek's face as if he didn't believe him so he continued, "Kate....and myself are solely to blame."  Derek went to interrupt but Peter stopped him. "You were a child that she took advantage of, she used your affection for her to destroy us; and I...I wasn't much better. When I came back all I thought about was revenge. I thought living in my mind while my body healed was torture, but I never even thought what it must have been like for the one person who survived. The one of us left that had to carry it all, all the pain, the loss, everything. I know I may never be forgiven, and Kate certainly won't be, but I promise you this Derek, I love you and unless you ask me to I'm never going to leave you. We’re family remember."

Peter smiled despite the gravity of his words and took Derek's face in his hands, "So just this once stop trying to put the weight of the world on your shoulders, and let me bear it for you."

Derek looked at him and Peter saw the small uptick on the corner of Derek's mouth in what was almost a grin. Taking that as permission he leaned in and kissed him. Tried to show him through this kiss everything he had yet to say, and some things he couldn't. Their past would always be a part of their lives, and at times a strain on their life together, but as Peter moaned into the kiss and swept his tongue over Derek's tasting strength, and love, and god help him, maybe even forgiveness he knew it would be OK.

He pulled back but kept Derek's face in his hands. "Now what do you say we go look over some plans, rebuild."

Derek nodded before giving Peter another small kiss, "yes."