#wasan my beloved

[pharawee]

—SPARE ME YOUR MERCY · การุณยฆาต · Coming Soon 2024

[gluing-myself-together-blog]

Dear Dad

Dear Dad, 

This is the only time I am ever going to call you ‘Dad’ so I hope you cherish it. 

For a long time, I asked myself, ‘Why is he my father?’ My Mother is the best woman I know. She deserved, deserves and will deserve better than you.

I deserved better than you. 

You may or may not have loved me when I was small; I will never know because I cannot remember and when Mom tries to regale me with stories of my childhood with you in them as a positive force, I can never believe her. 

Not because I don’t want to, but because you have never ever been gentle with me. 

Since I was a child, you have always been so hard on me. You called me a wedge between yours and Mom’s relationship when I was 8 years old. You can deny all you want about you never having said it, but it is one of the strongest and most painful memories I have about you. 

You were always the most physically abusive with me. I remember once, while praying in front of you kneeling down, you hit me from behind on the back of my head because you wanted me to pray loudly. You could have always used your words, like Mom did, but you never missed an opporutnity to physically beat me, dominate me, overpower me, in order to put me in my place. 

If things didn’t go your way, from setting the table properly before the family ate to not putting something back in its place, you made sure to beat me thoroughly; so much so, that I would be gasping for breath as my tears choked me. 

I remember thinking to myself very very early on, as a child, that if I had a hope of escaping this hell, I had to learn how to protect myself. This was also a major factor in making me a tomboy and somebody who preferred to be roughhoused by boys. I didn’t ever want to be caught dead being a female or doing anything feminine. I kept thinking to myself that if I hung around with boys more and they hurt me and punched me and played with me in the way only boys know how to, then maybe when you hurt me and punched me, slapped me and belted me it wouldn’t hurt that much because I already had practice at it. 

I remember you being so frustrated with your life and your lack of a job, that you would continuously beat me for no reason. When you exhausted your anger towards me, you would start belting Ade and Jack. I remember protecting them with my body from your blows while you hit them because I knew how debilitating the pain made me feel. Now, none of them might remember it, but I do. It’s easy to forget pain when the blows haven’t been rained upon your body. 

I already feel somuch lighter writing this and I know that I am one step closer to freeing myself from my bondage and being the best possible version of me that I can be. 

I remember how your constant emotional, physical, mental and psychological abuse led me to hate all men in a romantic and sexual sense. I kept comparing any hypothetical future relationships I would have to the one I have with you. I kept constantly thinking to myself, ‘Even if I do end up in a relationship with a really nice guy, who am I going to go crying to if he physically or, God forbid, sexually abuses me? I would have no one to blame but myself.’ After all, I had lived so many years with you, a man who vowed to love me, protect me and cherish me as a daughter but never had and never did. And if I couldn’t learn from my mistakes while living with you, I would be the only one to blame if this took place again with a boy or a man who was a stranger. This mentality is called ‘victim blaming’ and it would take me many years to read up on it, identify with it myself and understand what I went through. My heart would bleed for the trauma you put that littlegirl through. 

There was a small part of me that loved your beatings and beltings. In my child’s mind, at least I was getting ‘love’ and attention from you in some way. It would take me a good portion ofmy childhood to understand that this was wrong and not even close to what love is supposed to mean. 

When I was small, there were a million times you tried to belittle me, give me bad words, shout at me, be rude to me, hurt me - both verbally and physically - in front of family, family friends, my own friends, strangers and countless others. 

I remember once when I had brought my friend Blanc home, you had told me, ‘You have all the time to go out and fuck around but you can’t keep your bastard room clean.’ I remember walking right back out of the house with Blanc, feelingso humiliated and she asked me why you were talking to me like that. I told her that that is the way you always talk to me. 

You smashed the buckle of your jean’s belt on my head, when I was giving Jack a bath. Mom had gone to school that Friday as it was a PTA. You disconnected the landline so I wouldn’t be able to call her and tell her what you did. There was no reason for you to hit me that day; you just did it because you were frustrated with your life. 

Mom used to always tell me to be quiet and forget it or offer it up to the Lord or not to bother because there was nothing anybody could do or to forgive you because you were frustrated with your life since losing your job. I know I should be at least a little mad at her for excusing your behaviour for so many years but I can’t help but feel sorry for her. Sorry that she has to drag around your abusive, bitter, mean, wretched, frustrated, angry, hateful and lazy ass until the day one of you conks off. 

You’ll notice I never said ‘useless’. That is because being a horrible human being is worse that not bringing home the bacon. 

You could have been the best stay-at-home dad but you chose to make you life and the lives of the people around you as miserable as possible.

I used to hate the hypocrite you were.

Going to church and showing people such a holy and do-no-wrong side of you, while you came home and belted your children and cursed at them. 

Looking back, there is so much morethat I feel needs to be said. You need to be reminded of your numerous sins against me when I wasan innocent child unable to defend myself. 

But you know what?

I’m tired of lugging around all the shit you ever did to me. 

My soul is weary. It has been weary for a long, long time. 

With everyday that passes, it gets wearier. 

I am tired. 

You are not going to control my life anymore. 

I am going to try and be a better person, to the people around me and the people who love me. 

I am not going to let every interaction I ever had with you screw me up for life. 

I am going to be kinder to myself and unlearn the harshness and strictness you forced upon me in my childhood. I am going to treat myself with the kid gloves you never did. 

I am going to transform every hateful and negative word, thought and action you have ever made against me, into positivity.

There have been countless times where you have subtly verbally jabbed at me time and time again, without saying it directly to my face. Yes, you will do it again and yes, it will hurt. But that will only solidify my resolve to never have anything to do with you. Because you will never change. 

You will treat Ade and Jack better. You always have. And yes, it will hurt. But I know that I will always havemy Father in Heaven who is so much more than you can ever be and who will never stop loving me. I will also be happy for Ade and Jack, because at least they get to experience a side of you that I never have and never will. 

You might say that I am blaming all my problems on you. From your point of view, it might seem that way. But for me, this is managing to finally put down on paper everything I have ever felt with regards to your interaction with me. 

You will hurt me in the future. It might be something you say - making underhanded jabs at me - or do - treating other people’s children better than me. But you know what? That’s okay. Because I know you’ll never change. No one can teach an old dog new tricks. 

You are now in the twilight of your lifeand it is too late for you to change or become a better person. 

But I am in the prime of my life and I have my whole future ahead of me. I cannot let something as insignificant as you sabotage my whole future. 

I will end this cycle of abuse with me and I will not carry it forward to people in my own life and the people I have yet to meet. 

Your poison and trash belongs with you; in the past. 

I will embark on many loving, stable, respectful, good, positive, nurturing, enriching, physically healthy, mentally healthy, emotionally healthy, spiritually healthy, psychologically healthy and sexually healthy relationships throughout my life. 

I will lose my weight and be as fit as possible for me. The small, scared child within me will stop thinking that her fat is a protection for her vulnerabilities against your belt and your blows.

The small scared child within me will stop thinking of her fat as a protection against the world. 

For now, we live under the same roof; 

Do not ever think it is an invitation to interact with me. 

I have interacted with you enough to know that you are someone I should never interact with. 

I have so much love to give and just because you have never been receptive to that love doesn’t mean nobody else will be. 

I forgive you. For all the pain you have ever caused me.

I am also forgetting. A day will come when you will be nothing more than a speck in my memory. 

You can tell the whole world I am your daughter. 

However, I, your ‘daughter’, will never recognize you. 

I know you will hurt me and continue to do so; it will bring back old and painful wounds for me and all those negative emotions will pour in my heart. I will cry, hatred will grow for you and I will ask myself, ‘Why did you forgive him?’

The answer will come, 

‘Because you are not defined by the pain he causes you.

You have always, are and will be something he cannot touch.

You will always be bigger than him.

You will always be greater than him.

You will always be better than him.

You will always be more beloved than him. 

One instance of pain is nothing compared to your place in the universe, the grand scheme of things. Nothing compared to the plan your Father in Heaven has for you.’

And I will smile and bless you while you hurt me. 

Because I am and I am going to be so much more than you will ever be.