#trauma shit

[screaming-heart]

when you’re healing, you will fuck up. maybe you’ll relapse, maybe you’ll do something you know is gonna hurt you, maybe you’ll deprive yourself of something you need, whatever. but healing isn’t linear, its wibbly wobbly and weird. you’re not terrible for messing up, you’re not terrible for not being ready to move forward, you’re not terrible for not being perfect. you still deserve healing, and you still deserve respect.

[ashtonisrottting]

it's so fucked up that being abused in general made me feel the need to always be ready to flight in ANY situation. that's one of the main reasons i don't actually think i have real friends –nor am i able to develop a real friendship; i never manage to be honest with absolutely anyone, not entirely, not in a way that will make me vulnerable and will keep me from running in the first opportunity. it doesn't matter if you've known me for too long, i will run. it doesn't matter if something meaningful happened, i will run. it doesn't matter if i really want to stay/you want and expect me to, i will run. it doesn't fucking matter if i love you, i will run –and i don't care through what, i will find a way or i will make it have a way.

i feel like I'm wandering around with a trashy backpack whilst everyone doesn't even bother to carry luggage around because they have a home and an actual wardrobe to keep their shit and they don't actually have to escape in the last second just because the relationship became too overwhelming (or it went super wrong); they don't think about running away at all.

they never think about running away.... at all

[starryvomit]

“invalidated”

-S

[secretsideblogshhhh]

It's so wild to me that despite not having lived with our parents for over a year now, nearly 2, I still got triggered just slightly. But it was enough to make me panic and feel the need to hide while I ate.

So now I'm eating Mac n cheese in the dark, curled up behind the couch so that "I won't get caught"

Trauma really fucks you up :/

[gay-jewish-bucky]

i think we need to talk about how quick people are to label all open and frank conversation about traumatic or painful experiences as "trauma dumping" and how that silences survivors so those without trauma never have to feel the slightest bit uncomfortable

[pricklymuffinzzzzz]

love it when you start ur traumaversary week and you can’t feel anything but pain, not to mention it’s on Christmas my birthday and new years all together so silly!!🥳🥳

[cosmic-latt3]

probably going back to E///D inpatient, potentially as early as before Xmas. So that's fucking fun. Last time I was there they wouldn't let me outside for over a month because of my ""noncompliance"". I might be in SEED protocol this time (even though I don't meet the definition? I'm almost 30 but I've only had it 4 yrs. IDK why they said that so 🤞) so hopefully they'll be willing to give the barest accommodations to my other disabilities. Last time I had to advocate for myself to be able to... cross my legs at meals. Don't get me wrong I'm grateful I have access to one of the less bad programs in the country and probably the only one with mandatory masks 🎉 and hope to use this time to work on certain projects with fewer electronic distractions, and but... yea

[beforethepoison]

personal shit:

I remembered these days that when I was 12 years old was like one of the worst birthdays of my life. I think one day before my birthday, I told my parents I didn't want to have a party that year...And I don't remember if I explain why I didn't want it, but I know is that I felt like, since I was having some friends from different parts of my life, it was becoming hard for me to give attention to all of them, and the thought of gathering around was making me anxious. My parents were like "wtf?How come you don't want a party!" they were so furious. And to complete, I said; I also don't wanna go to school in my birthday day and I also think I didn't explain that but the reason why I didn't want to go was because I was already unpopular and in Brazil when someone makes a birthday they used to have a stupid song like "who will be? who will be? who will be who's going to marry to (say the name of the person)🎵 its up to....its up to, its up to (say the name of the other person) if they really want it too!🎵" and for a kid, this is like a nightmare because kids hate the idea of making you a couple with the stupidest kid around chosen by the popular kids...(and by stupid I dont mean dorky, I mean boring/annoying/chauvinist kid)....And thats why I didn't want to go to school. But my parents got so furious, we had a huge fight that night and when I woke up, I had to wake up early to go to the doctor I think with my dad, and he didn't wish me Happy Birthday until later of that day in a very dry way. Also I dont remember getting any present.

I may be an annoying kid but there was no reason for being so damn harsh to me.

Also, thinking about this now...Maybe my father was furious to have to take me to the doctor with him while my grandmother was doing something else and my mother working...I dont know if it was this....But it sounds very much like him.

The thing is that my mother didn't do anything....

I remember feeling so cruel for no reason at all.

[theydoesart]

TW (blood, fear)

I drew this as an idea for a painting for a “coming of age” sorta thingy at my church, and honestly the fear in this 5 minute sketch is on par with “in the woods somewhere” by Hozier so I had to share it for angsty reasons lol-

[seaiswhereifindyou]

I want someone who I can share my life traumas with. Who will listen, empathize.

[littleblackkdress]

I have always been second best. Third best. Twentieth best. I have never been the first choice. I have always been the third, fourth, fifth wheel. I was picked last in everything from sports to birthday parties. I was the weird one, who was only ever cared about because of the people i associated with. I only attended parties because my best friend was going to be there and they felt bad for me. I'm tired of being on the sidelines. I'm tired of being a background character. I'm tired of not feeling important.

I want to be loved, by many. I want to be good enough at what I do. I want to be beautiful, exceptional. I want to be chosen first, even if only once. I long to be wanted.

[escritoscronicos]

insuficiência.

               A silhueta da mulher que dormia na cama iluminou-se quando um relâmpago forte surgiu no céu e adentrou o quarto. Edu, que estava nu sentado à beira da janela, fumava um cigarro enquanto assistia os carros lá em baixo passando em meio as poças de água. Eram por volta das três da madrugada, mas a cidade parecia mais acordada - mais viva - do que nunca.

               Olhou para a mulher na cama. Ela era linda. Estava deitada de bruços deixando à mostra suas tatuagens nas costas. Eram tantas que pareciam um mapa - Edu lembrava-se de passear seus dedos sobre as linhas percorrendo cada traço do desenho -, estava sem coberta alguma e usava apenas uma calcinha da calvin kelin.

               Era a quinta vez que se viam só este mês, e Edu sabia que para alguém como ele, era algo anormal em sua vida. Nunca ficou com a mesma mulher por mais de duas vezes, e isso por vontade própria. Tinha sérios problemas de afeição e se tornar importante na vida de alguém o deixava com medo. Ele carregava traumas de apego e reciprocidade desde sua infância e consequentemente trouxe isso para sua vida adulta.

               Mas com essa mulher era diferente. Enquanto que com as outras ele sentia que mantinha o controle da situação, quando por exemplo via que as coisas estavam caminhando para algo sério, ele cortava o mal pela raiz. Ele sabia lidar muito bem com isso. Mas com a mulher deitada em sua cama nesse momento percebera que ela tinha o controle da situação. Que ela tinha um poder de dominação maior sobre ele. Não era só sexo.

               Eles se conheceram na faculdade, e quando ele a levou para casa em meio uma chuva forte como está que caia lá fora, eles não transaram como sempre acontecia. Pelo contrário, começaram a conversar sobre como uma boa música pode ser especial num clima como este. E logo ela pegou um cd da grande pilha que tinha no chão e colocou para tocar no som antigo. Ela passeava pela sala olhando cada detalhe ao som de Heavenly. Comentava sobre os artistas que Edu achava que só ele conhecia e ia citando trechos de Vinicius enquanto olhava fixamente para os olhos de Edu, olhos de jabuticaba que demostravam exatamente seu interior.

"E por falar em saudade,

onde anda você

onde andam os seus olhos

que a gente não vê..."

               A essa altura Edu sabia que tinha algo de diferente com essa mulher. Não era só a beleza dela que lhe chamava atenção. Tinha algo mais. Eles beberam vinho em xícaras e fumaram cigarro enquanto Edu falava da sua pequena coleção de moedas da copa do mundo. Edu a ouviu falar por meia hora sobre astronomia - mesmo ele não levando muito a sério o tema - com fascinação. Beberam mais vinho e quando Edu abriu a segunda garrafa percebeu em como a chuva estava forte lá fora. Ela aumentou mais o som e a voz Greg Gonzalez tomou conta do ambiente minúsculo que era o apartamento. Com um cigarro entre os dedos, ela dançou pela pequena sala de Edu, ele, maravilhado pela mulher que rodopiava em sua sala não conseguia esconder o riso que seus lábios insistiam em deixar a mostra.

               Depois da quarta ou quinta garrafa de vinho, quando ambos estavam já seminus dançando pela sala, eles transaram pela primeira vez. Edu ficou fascinado pela tatuagem nas costas da mulher. Era como se fosse uma árvore, uma grande árvore da vida, tão bem detalhada que Edu passeava seus dedos sobre os traços finos como se fosse um mapa do tesouro. Todo seu corpo era um mapa - atraente, da cabeça aos pés - e isso deixava Edu encantado. Naquele dia ele sabia. Sabia que ela era diferente e que sua vida tomaria rumos diferentes depois que a conheceu. Mas tinha receio ao pensar que ela tinha conhecimento apenas de um lado dele, o lado que ele permitia mostrar... Edu era um homem machucado, emocional e fisicamente. Tinha mais dias ruins do que bons, e em todo seus vinte e quatro anos ele não conseguia superar seus traumas do passado. Valia a pena trazer ela para o meu mundo? Mostrar o homem machucado que sou? Ele lamentava dentro de si. Uma mulher como ela não merecia percorrer os traumas de Edu. Era o mesmo que estar deixando-a fadada ao sofrimento. E Edu sabia disso. Todo mundo tem uma cruz para carregar nessa vida, e a de Edu apenas ele poderia carregar, assim como vem carregando há tantos anos.

               O barulho das buzinas lá em baixo o fazem despertar de seus pensamentos. Ele acende outro cigarro e abre devagarinho a janela de vidro. O sopro frio e congelante do vento toma conta do corpo de Edu. Os pingos de chuva batem sobre seu rosto. Ele dá outra tragada e joga o cigarro no cinzeiro no canto da janela.

               –  Edu... Que frio! Vem pra cama!  - a mulher com o mapa nas costas acorda e se revira na cama. – Edu?...

               Lá em baixo o alarme de carro soa e os gritos das pessoas ecoam pela escuridão do quarto.

[gildedbarbarian]

even with all the trigger warnings i got for episode 5 of the sandman, i still was not ready. 

watch responsibly, guys. 

[princess-in-depression]

Soy una pequeña flor que poco a poco pierde sus pétalos :(

[wandering-wolf]

[screaming-heart]

me rn

id: a "damn got hands” meme. the top of the image has a computer generated boxer in a fighting stance, next to the text “ok ima do therapy good”. the bottom of the image has the same boxer sitting down drinking water, next to the text “damn, this therapy’s got hands.” /end id