#wasn't a fan around that time but in case anyone wants to share thoughts

[haropro-confessions]

Are there any fans from the era of the Momusu vs dream and sweetS vs berryzKoubou? When people were saying avex was trying to copy HelloProject and failed miserably, what are your thoughts on that period from 2003 to 2008?

[nyrasbloodyclover]

a hot welcome (modern!aegon targaryen x reader)

cw: smut, p in v, fingering, reader is a virgin, aegon targaryen is a perv, daeron bff,

a/n: i am not really satisfied with this, but i had to finish it. anyway, i am logging out for some time. see you soon!

"I need you to help me pack, Daeron."

"No you don't, do it yourself. In case you forgot, I have to pack too."

Since you two became friends in freshman year, you were inseparable. You helped each other study, you hung out all the time and now he asked you to accompany him on his trip to visit his family, since they lived across the country.

"I thought you were finished! We have to leave in an hour!"

"This is why you don't have any friends. You think anyone would want to put up with this?"

"And this is why you don't have a girlfriend!"

You could've gone for hours like that, but it was really time to go.

Thirty minutes later, you were finished, and on your way.

The flight was pretty short, and you felt the nerves kicking in. The main reason Daeron asked you to come with him was that he didn't really like his family. Especially his brothers.

And from the stories you heard, you weren't a fan of them either.

Aegon was a drunk and a pervert (not Daeron's exact words, but your conclusion) and Aemond was cold and distant, emotionally unavailable probably.

Helaena was fine, she even visited a couple of times. Daeron rarely came home and his mother was very worried. She made him promise that he'd come once the school year was over.

You really had no other friends. You were glad you met him, but other people tend to be loud and too much work. You hated that.

Alicent picked you up from the airport, visibly on edge, because she wasn't very present during Daeron's childhood, but he never mentioned it. Not once. He was asking about his siblings and their pets and Alicent's new potential boyfriends. He was really nice and you loved him because of that. You tried to join their conversation, but failed so you kept quiet until you came home.

Once you got into the house Helaena was the one who greeted you, with a smile and a spider crawling up her arm.

"Oh my god! Wait, you have—" I tried to brush the little creature off, but she just laughed.

"That's my new pet. Wanna hold him?"

"Uh... Yeah, sure." She was kind and you really liked Helaena, you'd also like to get to know her better.

"Stop bothering her, sister. She just got here." It was an unfamiliar male voice and he was walking down the stairs.

Unkept shoulder length hair, dirty mouth and half closed eyes? Yes, that was Aegon.

"Why? So that you could bother her? Leave us alone."

You recognized him from Daeron's stories and he wasn't exaggerating, everything was on point. You could practically feel, not the mockery, but the perverse part of him coming to the surface.

"Hi. Aegon, right?"

His smile was twisted. "And for how long will this pretty thing be staying with us, Daeron?" He was walking over to the kitchen and your friend frowned at his brother.

"Aegon, don't."

"What?" He laughed, "It was merely a question."

Later that day, Daeron showed you your room, it was a guest room, larger than the apartment you shared with Daeron. His family was pretty wealthy.

If you'd only looked at Aegon, you could never tell.

While you were unpacking, you sensed someone's presence behind you, but before you could turn around, he was already sitting on your bed, looking like a very happy puppy. Who might do things to you if you let him.

"May I help you?"

"Yes, at least I think so. If you cooperate."

"Have you been drinking?"

"No," he giggled, he actually giggled.

"Would you please get out?"

Aegon got up and instead of leaving the room, he closed the door. You two were alone in your temporary bedroom.

"Aegon. Please get out, I don't want anything to do with you." But that was a lie. A big, fat, lie.

You wanted him to ruin you to your core, until there is nothing left for him to take. You never even had your first kiss.

It was the attention. Nobody gave you this much attention in your life, at least not in that way.

"Liar, liar, pants on fire..."

"You are so drunk. Isn't it almost dinner time? Are you going out?"

"No. Just came here...For you."

He stepped closer towards you and the back of your knees hit the bed. If he decides to come any closer, you'll have to crawl over your bed which you don't plan on doing.

Aegon could practically smell the innocence on you. It made him go mad. It made him go into his room and drink the whole bottle of wine in a heartbeat, only to be brought into your room, while you were bending over that bed, unpacking.

Daeron warned him, but he didn't give a shit. He's going to have you, one way or another.

Now you were all flushed, waiting for his next move and he didn't plan on wasting any more moments.

His hands were in your hair and in a second he was pulling you in and kissing you, devouring you and Aegon tried to slip his tongue inside your mouth, but you were still too stubborn.

You pulled away, pressing a hand over your mouth, like you've done something sinful. He loved the taste of you, and he wanted more of it.

"You..." You couldn't even look at him. How he wanted to spread you on that very bed until you can't walk.

He was ready to continue, but there was a knock on the door. Daeron.

"Dinner is ready. Mother already called, but I wasn't sure if you heard..."

"Coming!" You managed to get out, but your voice was shaky. Your face was burning.

During the dinner everyone ate silently, and at some point you could feel Aegon's knee brush against yours while he watched you from across the table. You tried to remain calm but your face grew hotter every second. You crossed your legs and he didn't fail to miss it.

His drunken eyes wandered over you, especially your cleavage in a shirt that was a bit more revealing. You forgot about it, but then cursed yourself for wearing it in such a moment.

It was thankfully over soon and you got to shower, finally! You were just finishing washing your hair when you heard the door open.

Aegon couldn't see anything, but you were paralyzed.

He took off his shirt and you had to admit, you wanted to be able to see somehow. You had no idea what his deal was, but it made your knees tremble.

"Aegon, what is it?"

"Nothing." You could see the outline of his body, he was completely naked now and he was walking towards you.

"Stop. I'm getting out. Give me a towel."

To your surprise, he obeyed and tossed you a large towel to wrap around your body. When you slid the door open his naked body flashed you, but you prepared mentally, so you didn't react, and certainly did not look anywhere besides his face and the smug expression he was giving you.

Despite your best efforts, you saw black ink of his tattoos and that was the last straw, you bolted from the bathroom.

It wasn't until you were in your room that you remembered you left your clean clothes there.

You cursed yourself, but took a spare shirt you had and used it as a pajama.

You peeked from your room to see if the bathroom was empty, and when you saw the light was out, you ran to get your things, but what took you by surprise is that the clothes were still there, all except for your underwear. Which was at the top of the pile.

Maybe you left them in your room, you didn't know, but you were too tired to care, anyway, so you got under the covers and took some time to read your book. You were so close to drifting away, but a strange noise awoke you. Like someone was in pain. It was the room beside yours.

No, not in pain, you realized, embarrassed. It was male moaning and occasional whimpering. And it was Aegon.

Was it possible that you got the room that was so close to his? You knew that he was doing that on purpose, touching himself, just to make you even more flustered.

You had trouble sleeping that night, refusing to acknowledge the pain and wetness between your legs. You woke up around four in the morning and decided to drink some cold water and try to calm down. Your heart was hammering against your chest, remembering the sounds of pleasure Aegon was making.

You opened your door, but before you could go down the stairs, you felt someone's hand on your mouth, pulling you backwards, until you were in another room. You didn't even get to panic properly. But of course, when you turned, it was Aegon who was smiling at you. It was almost dark in his room.

"What the fuck?" You whispered.

He didn't answer, but he did pull you towards him and start kissing you, no, swallowing your face would be more appropriate. It caught you off guard, but you weren't mad. You wanted him to take control, you were desperate for it.

"Ever been fucked?" He mumbled in between kissing.

"N...No," you breathed out, every part of your rationality leaving, there was just him, only him. He grinned and seemed quite satisfied with your answer. He wanted to be the one who is going to destroy you.

Just in your shirt, it was easy for him to start touching you immediately, not having to remove any clothing. You gasped at the feeling of his fingertips.

You ended up on his bed, not being able to see clearly, dizzy from the sight of him.

His fingers pulled your underwear to the side and slowly touched your clit, using your wetness to prepare you for him after slipping one finger inside of you.

"We are just getting started. Relax," he whispered the last word in your ear as his finger slid in and out. Aegon kissed your neck and collarbones, just to soothe you before slipping in another finger. He did his best to stretch your walls before entering you.

"Aegon," you covered your mouth with your hand, remembering where you were and who might hear you.

He looked at you like you were a piece of meat he was ready to butcher.

Telling you nothing more, you suddenly felt him rubbing himself against your folds. Teasing you at your entrance, making you squirm beneath him.

"I was going to wait. I really was." He grunted, but continued, "I couldn't do it, it was a perfect opportunity and this is how you're going to spend every night in this house."

Your hips moved, needing him to touch you, bury himself deep inside you. And that's precisely what he did.

He went slow. Just the tip, and then he went deeper and deeper, the pain growing, but it was quickly switched with pleasure.

He slammed his dick inside you, making you cry out in pain, not yet accustomed to him. "You're going to ride me so well, I know it." Aegon's fingers dig deep into your hips.

He even forgot to take off your panties, it was stretched to the side while he kept going in and out, without mercy.

You dragged your nails against his bare back, leaving red marks behind. You realized he probably slept just in his underwear.

He pulled himself out of you, making you gasp at the sudden emptiness.

"Shh, it's okay, come here," he gestured towards himself. Aegon was now laying down and you supposed you knew what he wanted. You were scared.

"But I've never— I don't know how—"

"Nonsense." He guided your hips towards his cock and pulled you down on him, again, very slowly and then started moving you in the rhythm that was good enough for both of you.

You continued as he showed you, his hands were on your ass, squeezing until it hurt.

You felt him deep, throwing your head back, but keeping your mouth shut.

Aegon grunted, but then a moan escaped his mouth, "Do it faster." And you tried to listen to him, you gave him your best and he seemed satisfied enough.

When you reached your peak, you stopped moving completely, letting yourself squeeze him, your thighs trembling. Aegon held your hips in place and then pulled out, but continued to rub himself on your still sensitive clit.

Your moans were what set him off and he came all over his and your stomach, gasping for air once you both fell on the bed beside each other.

"I am going to teach you so many things."

You just hoped nobody finds out. And when you turned your head you saw your missing underwear, sitting on top of Aegon's nightstand still wet.

[notiddygxthgf]

munch!

★ pairings: wakasa imaushi x f!reader

★ synopsis: waka loves his fiancee. especially when her legs are around his head.

★ content warning: smut, pwp, porn without plot, cute porn though, simp wakasa, oral sex, vaginal sex, vaginal fingering, pussydrunk!waka, unprotected sex.

★ a/n: all my juicy bitches wya 😩😩 thought id do some fan service. enjoy!! mwah mwah xo

★ w.c.; 3.8k

mdni! smut beneath the cut

"YOU'RE SO FULL OF SHIT," Keizo hummed. "There's no way you actually, genuinely think that's a good way to live."

Shinichiro shrugged. "I'm just not a fan."

"Fan of what? Eating pussy?" Wakasa chimed in. The three men were lounging in the living room of Shinichiro's apartment, sharing friendly banter. "Don't be ridiculous."

"I like receiving better," Shinichiro retorted.

Wakasa couldn't possibly disagree more. "Just say you're bad at it, Shin."

"Shin, you sound like..." Keizo began. "You sound like one of those guys who just want to be included in the conversation, but you actually have like... no experience whatsoever."

"Eating pussy is so much better than getting blown, man," Waka mused. "I mean really, you're missing out."

"Take it from him," Remarked the largest of the three, who sat back in his chair with his legs spread wide. "He's a devoted munch."

"For enjoying giving my girl pleasure? Alright, dude." Wakasa rolled his eyes. "The way the girls' legs grip your head, the way she squirms... you're telling me you don't eat that up?"

Wakasa had a sort of reputation around these parts, although it wasn't like he didn't have anything to do with it. He adored his queen. His beloved fiance. It was no secret to anyone from one end of Tokyo to the other that she was the apple of his eye, and that he lived to please her to the furthest extent possible. However, in more recent times, he had made a name for himself. The name in question?

"You know what that makes you?" Keizo remarked with a sharp exhale. "A munch."

The two men were seated in the lounge shortly after a meeting. Their coworker and boss, Shinichiro Sano, sat just off to the side of them, watching the exchange with a shit-eating grin.

"What does that even mean?" Wakasa furrowed his brows. Sinking further into the couch, he reached into his vibrating pocket.

Shinichiro decided that now would be the perfect time to chip in with his own two cents. "A munch is, like, the male equivalent of a dickrider, obsessed," he answered, although it wasn't like anyone asked. "Someone who's all up in one girl's pussy – metaphorically and sometimes physically. Like you."

After a brief pause, Wakasa's weary lilac eyes scanned the illuminated text on his screen. "Rather be all up in one girl's pussy than be getting none at all," He retorted, holding the phone up to his ears. The tone of his next few words was virtually unrecognizable from that of his previous statement as he answered the incoming call.

"Hi, pretty baby," He greeted. "How are you?"

From the other end of the receiver, he could almost see the way her face scrunched together when she yawned. She paused, and then in that sultry, soft-spoken voice that drove him wild, she said, "Hi, Daddy."

Shinichiro's eyes widened as he leaned forward in his seat. Although Keizo's surprise wasn't as outward, even he couldn't hide the quiet chuckle that escaped when he dampened his lips with his tongue. Wakasa clutched the phone closer to his ear, turning away from the two men.

"I'm with the guys, baby, behave," he warned her, although his tone remained as soft as ever. "Is something the matter?"

He heard his precious girl sigh on the other side of the phone, followed by a quiet rustling sound. He wondered where she was right now. It sounded like she was in bed. If that was the case, he could already picture her in all of her sculpturesque beauty – tangled in the sheets of their queen-sized bed, heart-shaped lips parted ever so slightly, face dusted with a hue of pink that matched her pretty pink satin jammies. He wondered if, then, she would be wearing his hoodie. Fuck, just the thought of that had him squirming.

"Nothin's the matter, um..." His muse trailed off. He knew she was fiddling with her earlobe, just as she always did when she was deep in thought. "Jus... I jus' miss you."

If it were even possible, Wakasa felt his exterior soften even more. "I miss you too, princess."

"When are you coming home?"

If she asked him like that again – in that quiet, beautiful voice of hers – he would be coming home within the next few minutes, no questions asked. He didn't tell her that, of course. The two of you had spent the entire night indulged entirely in one another. His neck bore the battle scars of such an altercation; two small red hickeys which had been tactically placed by a devious little gremlin without his knowledge.

"Not sure, why?" He asked, fighting off his internal monologue which had memories of last night on replay in the back of his mind. "You need somethin'?"

"No," Was all she said. There was a brief silence, during which Keizo and Shinichiro resumed the conversation they had been having.

He heard her rustling around in the background again – his phone vibrated once, signifying a new message, but he didn't go to answer it – and then she said, "Look at what I sent you."

Wakasa obliged, like the munch he was, and opened the message. It was from her, of course. He'd expected that. What he hadn't expected though, was the image that awaited him when he entered the private message with her.

Immediately, he shielded the phone from his friends (who were, in hindsight, far too deeply immersed in their own private conversation about the politics of gender roles and derogatory nicknames to care ). Feeling heat crawl up the back of his neck and the corners of his lips twist into a grin, he fought to regain his composure.

"You took that just now?" He asked, a little more quietly than before. "Have you been waiting for me to come back all morning?"

"Mhm," The girl mumbled proudly. "And when you do come back, that'll be waiting for you."

That was all he needed to hear. Wakasa stood up from the couch and dusted off his shorts. "Be there in 15."

"Kay," you giggled, and that was the last thing he heard before you hung up on him.

Wakasa sighed, pocketing his phone, and then turning back to his two friends. "I gotta bounce," He called, interrupting their conversation to announce his departure. "I'll catch you guys later."

Keizo crossed one leg loosely over the other, throwing his arms along the backside of the couch. "The missus calls?"

The shorter man – who was already reaching for the doorknob – flashed a small grin. "What can I say? I'm like superman."

Shinichiro, who was now against one arm of his loveseat while his legs were thrown over the other, commented on Wakasa's choice of words. "More like Supermunch."

Wakasa ignored his comment, pulling open the door. "Suck me." .

"Oh fuck."

Wakasa groaned in response, although the noise was muffled by her thighs. Buried nose-deep in the world's wettest pussy, his grip was like a vice, strong hands digging into the girl's hips in such a manner that he knew his fingers would leave pretty purple bruises.

His thick, beautiful goddess. He loved everything about her. More than that, he loved eating her out. When he'd run his tongue over the most sensitive part of her, her whole body would twitch. Her hips, painted with stretch marks, were his handles. He adored the way her soft, supple body careened into his touch.

She tasted like heaven, and god, she was gushing for him.

He sucked gently on her clit, which was flushed red with arousal, watching in awe as the woman arched up off of the bed. He could see this show a thousand million times and he would still be just as enthralled as he had been the day he had taken her like this for the very first time. Pressing open-mouthed kisses to her pretty pink pussy, his tongue found its way down toward her dripping hole.

Leaving not a moment to waste, she gripped his disheveled ponytail by the root, pushing his head in deep enough for the tongue to slide right in – like it was meant to be there.

"Please," His fiancee pleaded, although he wasn't entirely sure what she wanted. She knew full and well that he wasn't planning on slowing down anytime soon. "Mnnnh-"

And, just to tease her, he withdrew, replacing his tongue with two damp fingers. "Feel good, sweetheart?" He murmured softly, just up against her red-flushed skin.

While he wasn't answered with words, the response he got was nonetheless gratifying. With a gasp and a desperate rut of her hips against his mouth, against the low vibration of his voice, she sent a message as clear as day.

He made no effort to stop her. Instead, adjusting his hands to grip the meat of her ass, he allowed the beautiful, frenzied girl to shamelessly ride his face. Her hips jumped up and down, rubbing her pretty little clit on his lips and his nose, smearing her juices all over his face. She shuddered, opening her legs even further, and arched into the warm, mushy mess he had created with his mouth.

She looked so fucked out like this, so ruined. Her head was thrown back, hair strewn haphazardly over the satin pillow, pink lips parted gently to make way for her trembling breaths. The little red babydoll she was wearing – what started all of this – complimented the undertones of her skin in such a way that it made his head spin. One of the straps hung loosely off of her shoulder, just barely exposing her breast. She was too much; he wanted to touch everything. To say he was enjoying the view would be an understatement. God, he could paint it if he could – on some Van Gogh shit, but if he were a porn addict.

Her smooth legs clamped shut over his ears. He huffed a satisfied little laugh before prying them apart and continuing to make a ruin out of the poor girl in the open.

Unfortunately, as he was only one man, he had to pull away for some air. He plunged two digits back into her, curling them up against that spot that would make her purr. He knew her body like the back of his hand, having memorized every curve, every crevice. Moving forward to continue lapping at her clit, he tried sucking in more air without having to stop. He never wanted to. He could hardly breathe but, fuck, he wouldn't mind going out like this: squished between his fiancee's thighs, feeling her warm essence drip down his chin while she cried out for him.

He couldn't take his eyes off her. The way she took his fingers so well, sucking them in and then clenching around them like she never wanted to let go. The way she gasped out his name over and over like a broken mantra. He could feel the heat of his own arousal straining against the seam of his boxers, but he didn't care. Being able to see her like this was more than enough.

With a gasp, he pulled back. "Fuck," he breathed. "You're purring like a kitten for me."

She carded a trembling hand through his hair, taking some of it into her small fist and tugging on it. He arched into the sensation. He loved the pain.

"Please," She begged again.

Though his fingers never stopped, he paused his desperate licking to draw the moment out even longer. An hour wasn't enough. He wanted to be inside of her all day, in perfect tune with the rhythm of her body, every arch, every stutter of her hips spurring him on. He rubbed the point of his index finger over her sweet spot, pulling her apart from the inside. "Use your words, princess."

Judging by the way her walls were beginning to spasm around his fingers, fun time was about to be cut short. He wanted more. No, fuck, he needed more. But honestly, he wasn't so sure that she could take anymore. Her eyes rolled back, slurred words and broken moans pouring out of her mouth a mile a minute while she struggled to hold on.

Deciding she had taken too long to answer, he dove back into her, parting her lips with his nose and then forming a light suction seal over her clit. He had to readjust himself to fit his fingers and his mouth in such a small space.

She felt so good inside, so warm. He could die in this pussy.

His fiancee gasped, "Waka, stop, 'm gonna cum."

His lips departed from the woman's dripping wet cunt, but only to roughly slide her ass closer to his face. Then, completely disregarding her previous please, he devoured her. His hair was beyond disheveled, tangled in her fist, while the rest hung in damp strands around his face.

He peered up at her hungrily, pulling back and greedily licking her off of his fingers. "Say my name like that again," he'd practically moaned, running his hands up and down your trembling thighs. The poor girl was shaking like a leaf in the breeze and he was reveling in it. "Say my name while you ride my tongue, baby."

"Mmmfuck– wait," She gasped. Her body, however, sent a different signal. She yanked his hair – hard, too – and trapped his head between her thighs. Those pretty little noises she was making increased in pitch and became more frequent within. She was near the breaking point, broken pleas of his name tumbling from her devilish lips. "Wait, wait... Waka, baby."

He wasn't planning on obeying her, moaning against her now abused clit while his lips and tongue alternated applying pressure on it. The pleasure coursing through his veins was enough to drive him wild – fuck, if she kept swallowing him up like that he was gonna cream his pants. She was getting loud and, to be frank, that was turning him on like crazy. He wanted to reach down and palm the ache between his legs, rut his hips down against the bed – anything to release some of the tension that was building between his legs – but he was far too enamored by the sight of her to take any attention away.

Head thrown back, hand gripping his blonde (and purple) tresses like a vice, back arched up off of the bed while that red babydoll dress slipped further off of her shoulders... she was a sight to behold. He never wanted to stop, never wanted her to stop moaning his name. He didn't care if the neighbors heard – hell, the whole building.

His tongue swapped places with his fingers.

The way she was mewling for him like a cat in heat made his heart run wild with desire. She was beautiful, so fucking pretty. She always was. But nothing compared to the way she looked like this, spread open for him like a mouth-watering buffet. He whined, feeling her tug harder at his hair. Her guts were clenching around his tongue like she wanted more. He knew it would only be a matter of time before he got what he wanted from her, so he removed his mouth from the girl's dripping cunt, allowing his fingers to work her open – an obscene mix of her juices and his spit glistening as it ran down his chin. Somehow, he found the strength to utter the words, "I need you to cum for me."

He had power over her at that moment, he knew he did. He had her rocking her hips back on his fingers like a desperate whore, chasing that sweet release she so desperately craved. When she slapped her hand over her mouth to keep quiet – because she had gotten a bit louder, to say the least – he quickly grabbed her wrists, pinning them down into the mattress. "Let me hear you, baby," He panted. "Let the whole building know who's making you feel good."

And he continued the downright slaughter of your pussy with his mouth this time.

"Daddy," the girl mewled, curling into herself. He'd been edging the poor thing around for far too long. He knew that. He just didn't care enough to stop.

It slipped out. It must have... Yet, still, when his fingers curled up against a particularly sensitive spot with all of the ease of a harpist plucking at the strings of her core, her lips spilled praise of his name. "Daddy!"

His smirk grew in size. He licked some of her off of his lips, and then hummed, twisting his fingers around. "That's it, princess. Such a good girl for me."

And then he could see something in the girl snap. The coil of her release snapped with all the power of an oncoming freight train, slamming into her in such a way that had her back arching up off of the bed. Her hips jolted up against his fingers and his tongue, lips chanting his name like a mantra while savoring the slow strokes of his long fingers against her gummy walls. He could feel the shock tear through her in waves, ripping trembling gasps from her lungs while she clenched around him.

"Baby," she mewled. "Oh, fuck, baby."

He slid his fingers out of the girl slowly, savoring the way her pretty pussy clenched over his fingers one last time before pulling out. Taking the soaked digits up to his lips, he sucked them clean. God, he would never forget how she looked right now, even if he'd seen it a thousand times before.

"Fuck, I wanna feel you," He shuddered, pushing himself onto his knees and then reaching for his tee shirt. Seeing her cum on his tongue like that was enough to drive him mad, dick straining hard against his pants. His lips found their way to hers in a messy clash of tongue and teeth, slick spreading from his face to hers while juices dripped down his neck. He pulled back, "Wanna feel you so fucking bad it hurts."

His beautiful fiancee sat up with uncalled quickness, small hands grabbing at his wrinkled shirt. That was all he needed to push the girl onto her back, promptly tugging the damp fabric over his head and tossing it somewhere to the side. When he turned back around, he caught the way her eyes studied the linework of his tattoos with newfound hunger.

She reached a pretty manicured hand out to rest on his abs, fingers splayed open, roaming the expanse of his ink. She traced the lines down to his abdomen, down to the junction between his hip and his pants – where his v-line was peeking out. He felt himself twitch beneath her touch.

"Don't be a tease," He breathed, although that breathless smile never wavered. He had to make a conscious effort to regulate his breathing. If he didn't restrain himself, god, he didn't even know what he would do to her. He had spent the whole ride over here fantasizing about her, about his pretty girl. He could do so many things, but there was so little time to do them. At least, that's what he'd been thinking before he felt her hand cup his erection through his sweats.

He let out a pent-up gasp that turned into a breathy chuckle. "Ah, fuck."

And then he pulled the girl into another bruising kiss, gripping her ass in his hands and pulling at the flesh like he was tearing into Thanksgiving dinner. Her hand pressed further into his crotch.

She parted from his lips to mumble, "Want you..."

"Yeah?" He breathed. It was getting hard to keep his composure when her hand was palming at him through his pants. His hands slid over her waist and gently cupped her face. "Where do you want me, princess?"

She laid back against the bed, arching her back down. Her legs remained folded against his waist. He quietly observed her, mesmerized by the woman and the way she welcomed him with open legs. Sighing blissfully, he lowered his hand to the warmth between her legs, which had begun to drip

Wordlessly, she brought her legs up onto the table. The man quietly observed her as she did so. He was mesmerized by the girl and the way she welcomed him with open legs. He hummed, lowering his hand to the warmth between her legs. "Right here, baby?" He asked.

Instead of answering, she reached for the waistband of his pants.

He left no time to waste, sliding them down over his hips with a hand at her back and letting her tug his boxers down below his thighs.

Immediately, she pushed her hips back against his, rubbing the head of his cock between her drenched folds. Something in him snapped, or rather, something was about to snap.

"Put it in, Daddy," she whined, and, fuck, when she was getting his cock wet like that he had no right to refuse her. The way she was so desperate even though she just came... he was going to get her pregnant one of these days.

He sighed, adjusting her legs around his waist, running his hands down her stomach – which rose and fell with every ragged breath – to rest on her hips. He let one hand move down towards his dick, wrapping around the leaking tip and then lining it up with her entrance. She was dripping all over him.

Before he could put it in himself, the girl slammed her hips back, sheathing the entirety of his cock in her heat.

"F-Fuck," He gasped, although it came out more like a whine. He let her set the pace at first, sliding back and forth in a way that had his head spinning. Her walls were so wet, so warm, so gummy. Fuck, it felt like he was melting.

Fucking into his dripping-wet fiancee, he couldn't fight the strangled moans that were ripped from the depths of his soul. "Fuck," He whimpered. He slowed down to savor the way her pussy sucked him in, and then pushed him out, and then sucked him in again. It made him dizzy. "Fuck, fuck."

"Mmm," the little devil chuckled. "Feel good?"

"So warm," he panted in response, sounding like a bitch in heat. "Oh fuck, I–" He angled his hips upward, bringing his hand over her cunt to roll his thumb over her clit, relishing in the way she cried for him. "I'm not gonna last long."

He'd never put it in so soon after eating it before. Fuck, the sensation was indescribable. He wanted to die like this – buried eight inches deep in her warm, wet cunt.

"Kay," she giggled. Then she moaned, "I want you to cum inside, okay?"

He knew that if even thought about getting to paint her insides right now he wouldn't last much longer. Hell, this would mark the fifth time he'd done it this week, even if it was only Tuesday. But, shit, whatever the princess wanted?

"Okay, baby."

Princess would get.

a/n: hey heyyyy, I hope you enjoyed it!!! if you liked it, you would loooove my other waka fics which can be found here.

I obviously do not own tokyo revengers or anything related to it. please do not reproduce, copy, or translate my works anywhere. dont fk w me im a bruja.

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[melswifeasf]

You were never mine

Fandom: Yellowjackets

Pairing: Natalie Scatorccio x fem!reader

Genre: angst.

words: 6.9k

Warnings: major character death, heartbreaking angst and slight sexual themes.

Summary: you loved Natalie more than anything, until your dying breath.

Notes: this one is a sad one so be prepared. ngl i cried while writing this.

not spell checked!

first loves always came and went. at least that is what you had heard since your were a kid. truthfully you had never cared much when your mom said that, even when you were fifteen and you were at the age in which most fell in love for the first time. you'd never cared to listen because you weren't in love. you couldn't understand when she would tell you that your first love will be painful and it will probably make you want to never fall in love again but you would. you never understood it.

until you met Natalie Scatorccio. it had been love at first sight. it was cliche and sounded stupid to anyone else but you didn't expect anyone to understand.

you had tried out for the soccer team per your fathers request. you weren't really interested in it but he was a man that loved sports and you were an only child so he didn't have a son to share his passion with. he didn't force you, simply suggested that it would be fun. even if you weren't the greatest or knew much about it, he insisted that you were on the track team and that you would make new friends and memories that would last you a lifetime. maybe he was right about one thing. you were sure Natalie would be engraved into your memory until your dying breath.

she hadn't paid much attention to you at first, you guys weren't in the same social class so she figured you'd be snobby and bitchy. that was until coach Ben had paired her up with you to help you on some of the skills you were lacking. that had been the first time you had talked, the first time you weren't left admiring her beauty. she was nice. or indifferent, mostly. she knew you hung out with the 'popular' kids and that your parents were rich and she didn't want to tension to form on the team so she figured being quiet would be easier to deal with you.

that was the case at first. until the girls on the team started to hang out outside of practice. Jackie said it was to make you guys bond but you would've loved to be around them regardless. you were closer to Lottie and Jackie, both closer to your social status which meant you shared a lot of friends. you had thrown a party one October night and invited all of the girls on the team. all of them had gone except for Misty, you weren't the biggest fan of her and you assumed she felt the same about you considering you had caught her sending glares at you more than once during or after practice. sometimes even in the hallways which really weirded you out. you'd never been mean to her or said anything, really. whatever her deal was, you didn't care to investigate.

that night you had gotten drunk and got a little too bold. more so then you were used to. you had kissed people before during parties or even got close to hooking up but you'd always stop, not really wanting to give up your virginity to some loser or a girl that probably had a boyfriend and would ditch you the next day. but Natalie wasn't one of those girls. she didn't have a boyfriend, she wouldn't ditch you the next morning or act as if she were straight and you had somehow forced her to do something. she was Natalie.

it was two in the morning when the party was over and you felt her lips all over your body. you weren't that drunk, your thoughts and sentences were coherent. you didn't want to drink much because you had a game the next day and didn't want to slack off. Natalie seemed to have felt the same. you could taste some vodka on her but she seemed pretty sober to you. aside from the alcohol you weren't sure if she had gotten high or something but that didn't really bug you. her wandering hands were making your thighs squeeze together along with her wet lips. she left a couple hickeys on your neck but nothing you couldn't cover the next morning with some makeup.

her hands were everywhere, gripping all over and discarding all of your clothes until you were only left in your underwear. you'd never forget the look in her eyes. it wasn't just lust or hunger, there was a glimmer of something else but a part of you thought you were just imagining it. in a way it was just to make yourself believe that there was a chance. that night before things could progress any further you had told her it was your first time. a part of you expected her to feel awkward and pull away, leaving you there nude and chest heaving. she didn't. she kissed you softly, unlike all of her other kisses and asked you if you were sure. you answered by pulling her into a deep kiss.

Natalie had been the one to make you feel that bliss for the first time. she had been the one to take that part of you and you had no regrets. it didn't matter that she wasn't there when you woke up or that she would kiss you before or after practice once you were alone. it didn't matter that she'd sneak into your room at night to fuck then leave before you had awaken. it didn't matter that she didn't love you because at least you had her. in sone fucked up way you had her. you knew you were the only person she was hooking up with, she had confirmed that early one when you asked about stds and if you should get checked. that made you feel ecstatic, knowing she only ever came to you.

sweat stuck to your body as if you had just gotten out of the shower. your hair was messy and tangled and you could feel your body growing sore from the aftershock of what had just happened. her hand was holding yours tightly from under the sheets and it was probably as sore as your body from every time you'd squeeze it a little too tight. it was silent apart from your ragged breath. your chest was falling and rising heavily and the blankets were making your body feel overheated.

then Natalie popped out from underneath the blankets with a small smirk as she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. it was a sight your sure you'd never get tired of. when she was at your level, you could see her bare chest and her hair was almost as frazzled as yours from when you had tangled your hands in it. the cocky smirk she was wearing made you roll your eyes and softly punch her shoulder.

"shut up," you said, a blush coating your cheeks. your face was already pink from the intercourse but even then, your blushing was more than obvious and it made Natalie stop for a second.

"i didn't do anything," she chuckled holding her hands up. you rolled your eyes while pulling the cover further up your body.

"you didn't have to," you responded. "i know what your thinking."

the blondes eyebrow rose in question and she held herself up with one hand, looking down at you. some of her hair fell down her face and you could feel it softly tickle your face so you reached up and tucked it under her ear. the action earned a small, almost ghosting smile on the blondes lips that if you weren't looking, you would have missed. "what am i thinking?" the blonde questioned in a murmur. it was the tone she'd use to try and get you to bed, the tone she'd use when she had hand down your pants or when she would want to leave you hot and bothered. the tone that made you realize she wanted more. "how hot you are after cumming on my tongue?"

almost immediately you felt your face warm up, "shut up." you whispered, very obviously embarrassed. Natalie chuckled softly and you leaned up to kiss her softly. it was always that way with you, her kisses were almost always rough and fast, filled with passion and lust while yours were slow and loving. it was something she couldn't stand, something that always made her run away.

much like she did that night. Natalie pulled away from your a second after and got up and off the bed although faster then you could open your eyes. it wasn't unusual and yet somehow it still surprised you. it was pathetic and almost comical how you'd always be left in shock, processing the way she had just made you feel euphoric and then miserable in the matter of literal seconds.

when you did open your eyes, you were met with sight of her pulling her jeans up. her bra was on by then and you could see that she had fixed her hair. and like always, you stupidly asked the same thing you always did, "want to stay? my parents won't be home for a while and i can drive you home tomorrow." you said, hope filled in your tone. hope that meant nothing, hope that broke your heart, the same hope that had no room in you after so many rejections.

Natalie shook her head as she reached for her shirt, "cant." she said simply. as if it were the most indifferent thing, as if it mattered less than a penny on the street. because you didn't matter, not really. you were someone who she had fun with, the girl that would let her do anything she wanted whenever she wanted. it didn't matter if it was two in the morning or the middle of third period, you'd wake up or sneak out of class just for her. even if you were exhausted or taking a test. she was more important then anything and everything.

you were fun and adventurous and liked to do new things. not to mention the fact that you were pretty and had a nice car and almost always had weed, all things Natalie loved. the only things she ever really noticed. she never saw the way your eyes would always find hers in the middle of a crowded room, never saw the way youd always defend her name with your friends that she'd call snobby. never noticed what your favorite song was or the fact that you loved romcoms because they showed the love you craved. never noticed what your favorite flowers were or that you scrunched your nose when you thought something was adorable. she never cared to notice that you loved her.

it wasn't new and it shouldn't hurt by how many times she had done it and yet it still did. it still left your chest tightening and your throat burning as it would when you'd silent your sobs. it left your eyes burning as if you were having a staring contest with someone and desperately needed to blank. it still left that dread in your stomach, the one you'd feel before getting the results of a test and the one that would leave you feeling sick.

when she was fully dressed, neither of you said a word. she didn't have anything to say while you were trying to keep any emotion a secret. you didn't bother trying to promise yourself that this was just her hiding her feelings, that this was her too afraid to love you back. they were so overused they did more hurt then comfort.

your eyes never left her, not when she turned toward you fully dressed and said, "see you." before leaving without another word or a glance back. when your door closed behind her, it all came pouring out. there was no more hiding it, no more keeping your emotions at bay. you just weren't strong enough for that anymore.

a week after that night, all of your lives changed for the worst.

the plane fell on your way to nationals. what was supposed to be a quick plane ride turned into all of your being stranded in a forest with no hope of being found. at first most of you did but as the days went on all of you started to lose hope progressively. you tried to keep a positive mind but it failed you. there was no point in having hope when you'd just get let down. you didn't have any major injuries, just a couple scratches but nothing that wouldn't heal with time. three days into being stranded Taissa found a lake which followed to finding a cabin. it was nice. at least nicer than having to sleep outside with all sorts of animals.

a lot had changed. most of your relationships had at least. you grew closer to Shauna and Taissa during the short time you'd been there. you half expected to get closer to Natalie and maybe free the reigns she felt from being able to call you guys official. you hoped that without prying eyes and the need to conform to social status that maybe she could take your relationship seriously. you were wrong. so incredibly wrong and it hurt. instead of getting closer to you she was getting closer to Travis. of course she would choose him over you, it wasn't even surprising at that point.

she chose a random guy she had just met to grow feelings for rather than you. the person who had been there everyday. the person who would welcome her with open arms or needed a quick fuck in the middle of the night. you had been there as much as she allowed you to be but of course that still wasn't enough.

the night sky was littered with lights as the full moon reflected on the water. Natalie stood behind you with her arms wrapped around your waist. there were still times in which she would show you affection, mostly when she was angry at Travis or the other way around and this was one of those times. you knew it was toxic and that it was only hurting you but somehow you couldn't stop yourself. having her even just in these small moments was enough. she could never be yours but she was yours, just for that moment. maybe that could be enough.

her lips were being pressed against your neck, her hands softly caressing at your hips making you smile softly. you turned your body around so you could face her completely, your hands finding the back of her neck so you could pull her into a soft kiss.

even if you knew she'd ignore you tomorrow morning, even if you knew that she'd go back to pining over Travis as if he put the stars in the sky for her. even if you'd end up with a broken heart because at least you'd have small moments like these engraved in your memories.

the post orgasm haze was still present and Natalie was aware of that so she placed her hands on the back of your thighs which made you wrap your legs around her waist and let her carry you. her lips were hungry and hot. your lips were grazing her teeth and you could feel a bruise forming, her hands were under your buttocks to keep you from falling and her grasp was strong and rough. everything always was with her, she'd leave marks on you, ones you couldn't cover because of how dark they were or she'd leave bruises on your body. never unwanted and the pain always made you climax faster. but they were marks, ones that came from her and you hated them. what at first made you blush when you'd look at them turned into a sick feeling forming in your stomach and your chest compressing. they weren't anything to be proud of because at the end of the day, she'd never let you leave even a scratch on her.

your body was spent but when she reached down to press her fingers against you, you didn't stop her. a moan left your lips but it was swallowed by her eager lips. the feeling of it all was too much and it made you grip the back of her neck tightly. when she pulled away, it wasn't far. her lips met your neck where they began to leave wet kisses before it turned into sucking and biting. "fuck Nat," you moaned. that made her proud and you could almost feel her smirk against your skin.

maybe you should have realized that you made her feel good. before during  and after sex, you made her feel good. while she only gave you two out of three, she'd always have the advantage of knowing that you were hers while you could only have her when she was horny.

then she began to put more pressure which elicited a small gasp from you. "your doing so good," she praised softly against your neck. those words always made the hairs on your skin to rise and a wave of pleasure to corse through you. all things she knew and always took advantage of.

those words seemed to click something in you. what would once make you quiver made everything click. you were good, good to her. she liked that. she knew how you felt. it was obvious to anyone with eyes. when you'd ask her to spend the night, when you'd listen to the same music she did so you could talk about something, when you'd bring in an extra snack so she had something to eat before practice. the way you would smile at her in the hallways and how all of the sudden no one talked shit to her.

all of those thoughts made you each your breaking point. the pleasure turned numb and all you could focus on was the way tears began to fall and a sob was going to escape your throat. the feelings you had been keeping inside for so long were slowly seeping through the cracks of the border you made around your heart. every memory, every word she had said to make that wall grow higher and higher was starting to launch against it like a bomb. she had been the one to bring those walls up so high and she'd be the one to break them.

Natalie noticed right away. she felt a tear drop against her shoulder and your chest stuttered against her own. when she pulled away from your neck, her eyes met your teary ones and she stopped instantly. "what's wrong? did i hurt you?" she asked worriedly. her brows were pinched together and you could see the way her lips were pulled into a small frown. she was worried and she cared for you. in that moment at least.

yes, you wanted to say. 'you hurt me' was all you could think but you couldn't say it. maybe she hadn't meant to hurt you, maybe she never realized how you felt about her. all things you so badly wanted to believe so you could stop the horrible feeling in your chest. but you shook your head and a cry left your lips. Natalie reached up to wipe away your tears and in that moment, her touch was so soft and loving that maybe things could change. maybe she could feel the same.

maybe she was just scared to admit how she felt or to get attached so she did what everyone always did, pull away from the person you love. and so the words left your lips like acid, as if they burned so terribly she couldn't bare even touching you. "i love you."

they were said. the words you had thought about for so long were finally in the air and they had been heard by her. there was no more hiding, no more keeping your feelings a secret. there was nothing that could unsay those words and nothing that could make her unhear them. for a second you almost thought she hadn't heard you by her lack of reaction but when she pulled away from you and your body almost fell if it weren't for you quick reaction, you knew.

even in the darkness you could see the way her face flashed in disgust and the way all and any trace of worry evaporated. nothing but confusion and disgust was present.

nothing could explain how desperately you wished to take those words back in that moment.

"what?" she said almost laughing. it was a fleeting moment, a moment in which she almost thought you were joking but then she realized how hurt you looked and that thought vanished.

"Natalie-" you took a step toward but she immediately took one back, as if you'd kill her if she didn't. the action intensified the already burning sensation in your throat and the lack of oxygen in your lungs. it burned to breathe, it hurt to blink and to even think.

"why would you do that?" she shook her head, confusion written all over her features.

"do what?" you asked, just as confused.

Natalie shook her head once more and her eyes broke away from yours, "why would you say that?"

her words didn't make the confusion go away, "because i mean it." you responded quickly. because you couldn't keep it a secret anymore and because you almost thought she'd say it back.

Natalie turned away from you, her back toward you. more tears fell at her actions and you wanted to wrap your arms around her but you didn't, unsure if she'd react badly. "fuck." the blonde almost screamed but she was still loud and her tone was harsh.

"how do i not love you?" you pressed, "i let you see me in way no one else has. i've spent almost every night with you for the past four months. you are fucking amazing and if you could just see that-"

"stop!" Natalie exclaimed and finally turned around. "stop saying that, stop talking." she snapped.

that hurt like a bullet. it hurt more than anything ever had and all you could feel were more tears fall. the pain was unexplainable, indescribable. it was a cliche almost because it truly felt like someone had held a gun up to your chest and didn't stop shooting until the clip was empty. not to mention the lump in your throat that burned, especially the way in which you were trying to silent your sobs.

the blonde ran her hands down her face roughly, "this was just sex," she said motioning between you and her. "i told you that from the beginning."

her words made a laugh ripple from your throat, "are you serious?" disbelief was present in your voice. "how do i stop myself from falling Natalie? do you want me to just turn off my emotions? to numb myself from any feelings? because i fucking cant! i cant just act like sex meanings nothing! as if being intimate with you doesn't mean anything!" you yelled, careless to if anyone could hear. because in your mind it was just you and her. in that moment no one else existed and you weren't stranded in the woods, you were simply standing in front of the girl you loved most and the girl who would break you heart completely.

Natalie's face didn't change. there was still nothing but anger present on her features, "if i could do it. so could you." the blonde said finally. and that was it. that was the final bullet the blonde needed to completely break the dam and all the water to rush out. every single emotion to pour out uncontrollably and infinitely.

there was nothing left to say. there was nothing you could say. nothing that would make her love you or take back the words that she just been said. she didn't love you. that was obvious and if it weren't for that stupid hope you always carried, you wouldn't have been blinded into believing she could feel it when you admitted the words out loud.

every interaction, every time you had sex, every time in which she'd ignore the hope in your tone when you'd ask her to stay or every time you'd look at her hurt when she'd smile at Travis. they were all moments in which she was practically screaming at you to let her go but you so stupidly believed she just didn't want to get hurt. how naive can a human be when in love.

finally, you pulled yourself together as much as you could and pried your teary eyes away from her. with the back of your hand, you roughly wiped the tears away as you began to walk past the blonde and toward the direction in which your clothes were. as soon as you knew she was too far to hear you, every emotion broke loose. your sobs racked your body making it shake and you closed your mouth tightly to prevent the noise from being too loud. you didn't care to wipe at your tears and you let yourself finally feel everything you so desperately needed to months ago.

leaving with Taissa and the couple of girls wasn't a hard decision. you wanted out of there, you wanted to go back home and simply never see any of them again. you couldn't anymore, you just couldn't. Taissa had a plan, to walk in one direction until you reached something, anything and even though a lot of people were against it, they couldn't exactly argue with her logic. you weren't the only one who wanted to go with Tai, so did Mari, Akhilah, Van and Misty at the last minute. everyone going for the same reason, not being able to wait another moment for help.

you couldn't just sit there with everyone, hoping that someone would find you because the chances were that no one would. if they could, they would've already done it. you were sure your parents thought you had died, wasn't hard to think that. you'd think the same if you were in their position. at first you didn't want them to stop looking, you wanted them to try and try until they searched every possible place but slowly, as the days passed you realized that they deserved happiness. they deserved peace and if they had given up, you couldn't blame them. accepting having lost someone was sometimes easier then thinking what if. you just hoped they'd be able to move on at some point, most likely not soon but at some point at the very least.

Natalie didn't say goodbye. it wasn't surprising. she had asked, no, begged Travis not to go though. you had heard their conversation while packing your own things and suddenly the decision to go didn't sound so bad. at least you wouldn't have to see their longing gaze, see them come back from hunting with love sick smiles and you wouldn't have to endure Natalie avoiding you as if even looking in your direction would kill her.

as expected, she simply ignored you after that night in the lake. what was once her dragging you away in the middle of the night turned into silence. sometimes she'd hold your hand until you fell asleep because she knew how hard it was for you to do so. now you held your own hand, whispered to yourself that you were okay and the panic attack you were enduring would go away.

when you hugged Lottie, Shauna and Jackie goodbye, the blonde didn't step up once. she stood back and watched. watched as they held you with fear and desperation. they hugged you so tightly, it almost crushed your ribs. they found the small comment quite funny, even through their tears when you said it. then it was time to leave and the only thing you got was her eyes meeting yours for less then a second before you turned around and left.

things were complicated with Taissa and the group, the compass stopped working and there was some blood river that apparently Lottie had dreamed of. and then you ran into an obstacle. a huge one at that. after walking for so long all of you needed a break so you stopped at a certain place in which Tiassa deemed best. one of them started a fire, you were too exhausted to remember who and when your eyes closed.. well everything turned for the worst.

wolves were something you’d see on tv, something you never thought you’d see up close but then again, there were a lot of things you didn’t think you’d do and you had to in the forest. that included shoving Vanessa Palmer out of the way so you’d get the worst of a bite. if only you had known that she’d get it pretty bad anyway. just not as bad as you.

all you could feel was pain. pain, pain, pain. everywhere, on your bloody leg, your bloody arm and it ran through your whole body. what could you do? what were you going to do? you didn’t know. death seemed inevitable in that moment, death seemed like the only answer, like the easier answer. suddenly death sounded peaceful, it sounded… like home.

but neither of the girls were going to leave you behind, even when you begged, even when you cried that it hurt, even when you passed out from the pain. why? because you were y/n l/n, the girl who would make them all laugh even after a bad game, the one who always worked with the team and never showed off or gloated, the one who saved Vanessa Palmer from being burned to death. so it didn’t matter how much you fought, how much you insulted them for not being smart and simply leaving you. none of it mattered because it would mean leaving you to die and they could never do that.

it was hard. so fucking hard. Van had a gash on her face but it wasn’t anything too bad, just enough for her to bleed through the cloth wrapped around her head. she and Taissa were the ones helping you, each of them having one of your arms wrapped around their necks. it was easier to walk at first, maybe it was the adrenaline or the fact that you still had blood in you. but as the sun set and you dragged your leg for miles, that blood kept gushing, that blood kept leaving your body until you were left sickly pale and your eyes could barely stay open.

death was inevitable. your born knowing you’d die, it’s the cycle of life. but dying at eighteen wasn’t part of that cycle, it wasn’t supposed to happen. kids are supposed to burry their parents, not the other way around. everyone wakes up knowing they could die that day but you never think it to be true. just like you didn’t think that would be the day you’d die.

but what if dying is the easy way out? what if dying then is easier then dying months from then when your traumatized and starved. what if dying them is easier when you still have the memory of your parents features and voice clear in your mind. what if dying then.. is the only way out. then maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. your parents wouldn’t have to bury you and maybe just maybe, if the girls are ever found, they would have already mourned you and knowing of your death wouldn’t hurt so badly.

until you realized.. you’d be dying hating Natalie. you’d be dying with the words she said to Travis replaying in your head. you’d be dying with her last words being that you were pathetic for loving her. you’d be dying with a broken heart all while knowing the last time you kissed her was also the last time you loved her.

could you die like that? could you die not knowing what being loved felt like? could you die before you healed your first heartbreak? that wasn’t fair. how could that be fair? how could you die knowing you’d never be loved? knowing you’d never love someone and be loved unconditionally. you’d never have a fairytale love, the kind that brings you flowers and chocolates or dedicates a song to you. the kind of love that hurts because of how much you both love each other. equally.

at some point, you blacked out. you weren’t sure when it happened or how it even happened, it was probably the blood though. all you knew was that one second you could hear your name along with Van and Tais being called before your eyelids grew heavy and everything went black. then you were warm.. and there was a hand holding yours tightly. there were droplets hitting your skin and you could feel someone’s face pressed up against your own as they sobbed loudly.

it was when you found the strength to wake up.

Natalie. it was Natalie who was holding you. her scent was unmistakably hers. it was always vanilla and cigarettes except this time there wasn’t much of the cigarettes but even then.. it was Natalie. your Natalie.

when your eyes lulled awake, she broke apart just a little so she could meet your eyes. “hey it’s okay. Misty’s looking at your leg.” she said. you knew. she knew too but her desperation wouldn’t let her see that. but you didn’t tell her that.

“guess i kind of lost to a wolf, huh?” you tried to joke but your sentence wasn’t completed without a couple of coughs and wheezes.

Natalie tried to smile through her tears but you could see the pain behind her eyes. “i lied.” she said quickly. you knew it then too. somehow you had each become a cliche, one you wished to never be. “i didn’t mean any of those things. i didn’t think i deserved you. your so amazing and kind and you make everyone feel safe and i didn’t deserve that. i don’t deserve you so i pushed you away because i knew i’d end up breaking you.” she continued. her tears were falling desperately, they were one after another and you couldn’t help but reach up with your healthy hand and wipe them away. when you did, her hand held yours against her face. she felt so warm compared to your freezing touch and it felt so safe.

“i thought that pushing you away would be better, that you’d get over me and find someone worthy of you.” she continued. you knew what was coming next. you knew what she would say and in a fucked up way, you couldn’t bring yourself to hear them. not like this and not then.

“don’t.” you shook your head. the color from your face was gone, leaving nothing but a pale and discolored shade. your warm and inviting eyes were slowly fading. your smile was weak and it wasnt the one that would make everyone around you smile with you.

Natalie shook her head, “i love you.” she finally said. she said it. the words you had been wanting to hear for so long where finally said and you were dying. how was that fair? how could that ever be fair? why didn’t you deserve love? why couldn’t you have a love so beautiful that when you took your last breath, at least you knew you experienced that love once in your life.

it wasn’t supposed to be like that. she was supposed to say those words in the starlit night, with nothing but water around you and the intimacy of having her nude body pressed up against yours. you were supposed to kiss her until neither of you could breathe and you were supposed to whisper in her ear to prove just how much she loved you. your love was supposed to be meaningful, your love story deserved to be longer, to be sweeter, to last. it was supposed to be for the books.

instead your bleeding out in her arms with your last moment being her screaming at you that loving her was pathetic.

the words had been said and there was nothing left to do. nothing you could do but weakly pull her down so she could kiss you. what was always rushed and passionate kisses was a slow and weak one. your warm lips weren’t skilled and sensual, they were just another reminder of your ticking time. but that didn’t matter. not to you and not her. it would be the last kiss you shared, the last time she’d feel you pour your love into it, the last time she’d feel your hand caressing her face and the last time she’d feel this.

when she pulled away, there were tears in your eyes too. you weren’t ready to die. every thought you had before was gone. you weren’t ready. you still wanted to hug your parents again, you wanted to go to college with the girl you loved, you wanted to have more time with Natalie and all of your friends. you weren’t ready to die but it was useless.

and for the last time ever, “i love you, too.” you managed to weakly whisper. the heart that would beat so rapidly when you last said those words was slow and weak. she could barely feel a hum against your chest. how could she have been so selfish? why didn’t she enjoy the way your heart hammered against your chest when she’d lay on it? after you’d have sex and you’d press your body against here? when you told her you loved her? why didn’t she memorize the rhythm of your heart? why why why?

it was time. you know it. it was getting hard to breathe and the more you tried, the more it hurt. with as much strength as you could muster, you whispered. “remember me, sometimes.” they were lousy words but they were the only thing you wanted. even if it wasn’t always, you at least wanted to be remembered sometimes. maybe when she listened to Queen since it was the only artist you shared. maybe in lillie’s, like the ones you always had in your room. maybe when she looked at the sky or when she thinks the best thing to do is to push the person she loves away. you’ll be the reminder to never take love for granted.

Natalie cried at your words, those words that left a whole in her heart, the words that would leave scars and wounds she’d never be able to heal. “you’ll be the only thing i’ll remember.” she said back. her words made your lips curl just a tad.

then it happened. you took your final breath. your heart stopped breathing. your eyes were left lifeless and your touch slipped from her face. there was nothing left but your lifeless body in her own.

finally, everything she held in while you were with her was finally let out. her sobs were so loud and she didn’t care that everyone in the room could see. that everyone was silently watching with tears in their own eyes. she clutched your body so tightly against her chest, almost as if you’d move away. her cries were so loud they were like a howl on a full moon.

her body rocked with your lifeless body in her arms. crying, screaming, sobbing. her cries of pain were nothing short of heartbreaking. every fiber of her being hurt. she was in fucking agony.

she couldn’t accept it, she wouldn’t. her hand softly shook your face and when you didn’t react, she put you on the ground gently before she began to pump your chest with her hands. her tears kept running down her face and landing on your body as she continued to press against your chest in a steady rhythm. that stupid song in the back of her head. she was trying her fucking hardest. why wasn’t that enough? no one dared to say a thing, not even Travis who stood back and watched with tears in his eyes.

it didn’t matter how much she tried, you didn’t wake up. not after a minute, not after two and not after three. even when she begged, “please come back.” she whispered through her actions. until finally, she stopped. when she did, her shaky hands reached your face and she gently cradled it. she memorized every freckle, every eyelash, every little mark on your face. she memorized the way your lips felt under her fingertips and the color of your eyes. the eyes that would never look at her again. the eyes that she wouldn’t meet across the room, the eyes that wouldn’t look at her in pain, ever again. the eyes she ignored so many times. she felt so fucking stupid then.

but they weren’t your eyes. not anymore so she shakily closed them. when she did, she slowly buried her face in your chest. her arms holding you tightly as she cried softly. as she remembered your scent, as she felt your body in her arms for the last time ever.

Natalie Scatorccio was completely and utterly heartbroken.

you were dead. even when you weren’t ready to. but at least you loved her until your dying breath.

[hoshiko2000]

So with production for Good Omens Season 3 officially halted, it does look like cancellation may be on the horizon. Because yeah, I really don't think Amazon would 'pause' production on a show this lucrative if there wasn't serious discussions currently going on about 'if' and 'how' it should continue. A production shuffle-up - ie. Neil Gaiman getting booted and new staff being put in charge - is certainly a possibility. But it is important to remember that this will still be a show that is written by him and very intrinsically linked to his brand. And whether fans or studios will still have an appetite for it considering this fact is something that has to be seriously considered.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that as disappointing as it would be, cancelling Good Omens season 3 may be the hard but right decision. And, frankly, if season 2 is anything to go by, we may not be missing out on too much to be honest.

But on a serious note, I do want to use this news as an opportunity to share my own thoughts on the situation, which I will do under the cut (and as is probably obvious, there are trigger warnings for references to SA).

Despite Neil Gaiman's works being a massive part of my content here on this tumblr - and yes, that is something I am very aware of- I've not posted about the sexual assault allegations up until now for a couple of reasons. Firstly, I'm a working adult in my 30s; tumblr is very much a place I come to chill, I'm far too old (and frankly, tired) to get involved in discourse or heated fandom debates (not that those are the correct terms to use to refer to rape allegations but you catch my drift). But the other reason is that these revelations have honestly devasted me, in a way that I'm still processing and doesn't feel like an exaggeration to describe as grief, a feeling I'm sure is echoed by many other people.

Neil Gaiman's works have been a massive part of my adult life, and while I know it sounds like a cliche, they have gotten me through some incredibly difficult times. Coming to terms with the fact that such beautiful, thoughtful, empathetic novels and series have been written by a rapist has been incredibly difficult.

What has also been incredibly difficult to come to terms with is the fact that the incredible queer representation that has drawn so many of us to his television works in recent years was, in hindsight, indisputably a grooming tactic. And yes, grooming is the right word.

The grooming of communities is not something that is often discussed but is absolutely a thing. Predators groom victims to gain access to them, and they groom the people around both the victim and themselves to make it seem unbelievable when the victim later comes forward. And this can happen parasocially too. In the case of Neil Gaiman, he groomed his fanbase by constructing a calculated image as vocal a LGBT ally, drawing in queer fans and creating a smokescreen of apparent empathy and kindness to cast doubt on the future allegations he likely knew would inevitably catch up with him.

I really want to stress - particularly for younger fans - that no one is stupid or somehow culpable for having been fooled by Gaiman, for having supported his works previously, and for continuing to support his works now. I myself have no intention to leave the fandoms I am already a part of, and I genuinely do not believe anyone is under any sort of pressure or obligation to do so. The separation of the art from the artist is a very tricky subject and not something that can ever be done entirely. And if I'm honest I'm not really sure how to navigate this myself, or what this is going to mean for me in the future.

But to get back to the subject of my blog, yes I am planning to continue reposting content related to Good Omens and Dead Boy Detectives. However the latter differs drastically in that the series was not actually written by Neil Gaiman and is effectively an author-approved spin-off of one of his works. Good Omens on the other hand I have more complicated feelings towards, and at this point I am not sure how I feel about future series being made, with or without Gaiman's involvement.

I'm sorry if this post is a rambling mess, it has taken me a lot of time to build up to being able to share my thoughts, and while there is a lot more I could say I will stop here. But on a closing note, let's just be kind to each other. This situation is awful, lets not make it any worse. Give space for the victims, give space for the fans, and give space to people to continue to enjoy fandom spaces without making assumptions about where they stand on these allegations. It is a hard time, but things will get better, and these fandom spaces will continue to be a positive place for people to exist online. Lets keep it that way.

[mandobatemans]

intrigue (Tom Wambsgans x f!reader)

warnings: infidelity, fingering, unprotected piv sex, soft!dom tom, size kink kinda, biting, greg, do NOT have sex with the head of conservative news organizations irl!!!, i am a shivcel fr anything negative abt shiv in here i didn't mean it ily siobhan 🫶, NSFW UNDER THE CUT

word count: 4,740 (i got carried away)

A/N: this is loosely based on s4 e7 but there's no real timeline so it probably takes place like somewhere around season 3 or 4? this is my first succ fic so...enjoy 🤗 & also this took me SO long to write i'm so deeply sorry to anyone who was waiting

also posted to ao3

Tom had never been a fan of the whole “open marriage” arrangement. When he thought back to that fateful night (fateful night…who else would say that about their wedding night?) what he remembered most was the look on Shiv’s face when she told him that she wanted an open marriage. On their wedding night.

It was more for Shiv anyway. Tom rarely thought about actually acting on the arrangement, whether it be out of love for Shiv or loyalty to her father, he wasn’t sure. Sure, he had kissed someone here or done oral there when high on coke, but he had never actually fucked anyone else.

Something was different, though, tonight. Firstly, they were hosting a Waystar/ATN event at their apartment, and despite being chairman of ATN, he wasn't even sure what the evening was for. Shiv had told him about it last minute, casually mentioning it as they were being driven to work, like it was dinner at Logan’s rather than hundreds of media moguls and politicians to host. Actually, dinner at Logan’s felt equally, if not more, important than tonight. A better equivalent for how nonchalantly Shiv had mentioned it would be Connor inviting them somewhere.

Secondly, Shiv had suggested, outright, that they both find someone to hook up with at the party tonight. Earlier in their bedroom, after getting dressed in silence, Shiv had turned to Tom while putting her earrings in to share the idea. He knew she would be acting on it whether or not he did, and why shouldn’t he? It had been a while since he had gotten laid and was verbally (and physically) assaulting Greg a lot more as a result.

Did he just pick someone? How did you approach someone and say, “Hey, I’m in an open marriage but I’ve never actually done anything more than get my dick sucked with anyone else…anyway, let’s fuck!”

Tom fidgeted with his glass as he surveyed the room.

Despite your personal beliefs and the endless human rights violations that Waystar was affiliated with, their (and by extension ATN) events were some of the most lavish you'd ever attended. As a political journalist, it was standard for your company to send a journalist or two to whatever soirée the Roys were throwing. Everyone took turns, and this time you had drawn the short straw. It hadn’t been too bad so far, you thought, although perhaps you were jinxing yourself. You had kept to yourself mostly, chatting with other journalists you frequently saw around the city on assignments, snacking on the hors d'oeuvres, and listening to the ridiculous conversations political and media bigwigs were having.

You had been to an event hosted by the Roys before, but they were usually at ATN, Waystar, or some expensive venue. Being invited as a member of the press to Shiv Roy’s apartment felt strangely intimate. You were certain this was some calculated business move on the part of one Roy or the other, but you honestly didn’t really care. Whatever drama was happening within Waystar Royco was contained within the Roy family. You were simply here to supplement a piece your coworker was writing on the atmosphere of this political season.

It was only an hour into the party when you had collected all the quotes and interviews you needed, and sampled almost all of the hors d'oeuvres. Your boss expected journalists to stay for most, if not all, of the night for these things, in case some political bombshell were to happen. You were pretty sure nothing too monumental was going to happen in this room full of suits, especially with all of the Roys notably absent from the festivities. Even Shiv, whose house it was, looked like she wasn't paying any attention to what was going on in her home. In fact, she had been in the corner all night, talking to some prominent New York and D.C. women, important enough that you knew their faces but not important enough for you to attach any names to them.

You checked your phone for the time. You could probably get away with leaving in another hour if you made up some family emergency as an excuse for your editor. Even another hour seemed like ages. Maybe you could re-interview some people? Speak to some guests whose quotes would never make it in the article just to kill time? Sighing, you opened your messages, thumbs hovering over the chat with your editor, putting your journalism degree to use by brainstorming an excuse to get you back home in your bed before ten o’clock. When you turned around to pace while you typed (a nervous habit), you found yourself face-to-face with one of your hosts.

It felt like a fucking cliché. Literally bumping into someone at a party? If one of your writer friends wrote something like this, you'd tell them it was bullshit and things like that didn't happen in real life. Yet here you were, inches away from–

“Tom Wambsgans, Chairman of Global Broadcast News at ATN.” He introduced himself, reaching out a hand for you to shake.

You returned the handshake, grateful that he wasn’t offended by you bumping into him. “I know who you are.”

“And I know who you are.” He paused. “That sounded stalkerish, didn’t it? I meant, I know who you are because I’ve read your articles.”

“You have?” You were surprised. Your company and your articles in particular were considered left-leaning, the very opposite of the stories ATN ran.

He nodded. “Gotta keep up with the competition. I’ve seen some of your features on the network, as well.”

“Really? I would have thought you would just watch ATN all day,” you teased.

Tom made a face and then shook his head. “No, no, no. Plus, I wouldn’t really call any of our journalists ‘journalists’ so much as pretty faces. You do your own research and look good on the camera. That’s impressive.”

You raised an eyebrow and Tom’s eyes widened, processing what he had just said.

“God, I do sound like a fucking stalker.”

You laughed, “Just a little bit.” You let him cringe for a second, then smiled to reassure him. “No, but I’ve seen some of your interviews since you took over ATN. You look good on the camera, too.” You paused, before adding, “Maybe that makes us both a little stalkerish.”

His eyes lit up at your response, earning a genuine laugh (the first one that night not faked for some suit, he noted).

“Uh, sorry for bumping into you. I wasn't looking where I was going,” you explained, waving your phone in your hand for context.

“Ah, cell phone. The curse of the twenty-first century.”

You furrowed your brow involuntarily for a moment. He wasn't how you expected the spouse of a Roy to be like. Whether that was a good thing or a bad thing, you weren't yet sure.

“I’m making a huge ass of myself, aren't I?” He sighed. “I’ll leave you to the party–”

“No! It’s okay. Stay,” you heard yourself say. It was Tom’s turn to raise an eyebrow. Okay. You found him attractive. And even despite his eccentric comments, you also found yourself wanting to talk to him more. You were, however, purposely avoiding looking at the wedding ring on his finger.

To Tom, it all seemed too perfect. You, for example. He was being honest when he said he had seen and read some of your work and that he enjoyed it, and he did sometimes watch other networks to get an idea of the competition, but he had left out the fact that there was something about you in particular that made him watch the entire segment when you happened to be on air. And the fact that sometimes he'd scroll through your articles online and imagine you reading them aloud to him. But he wasn’t a stalker. And now you were here, in his house, on the night that his wife had all but shoved him into the bed of anyone that he wanted.

But still; one pleasant, slightly flirtatious conversation didn't mean you wanted to ride off into the sunset with him. Or, more accurately, go upstairs with him.

He scanned the room for Siobhan. Although it had been her suggestion, and he knew she had acted on the arrangement before, he still felt like it was somehow a trap. Like she’d hire someone to hide behind the bedroom door that night and catch him with his pants down (literally) to use as blackmail.

But sure enough, she was across the room, laughing at something some lobbyist had said, and resting her hand on the other woman’s arm slightly longer than a casual touch would last.

The longer he thought about it, the more confident he felt. If you were interested, he wanted to spend the night with you. And maybe more. But he was getting ahead of himself.

“It's kind of loud over here. Come on,” he gestured with his head toward the opposite corner of the apartment, one not occupied by any guests save for an elderly politician snoring on the couch.

You followed him, nodding when he asked if you wanted another drink before picking a champagne flute off of a passing server’s tray. He handed it to you once you reached the corner, your hands touching during the exchange. It seemed like even more of a cliché to feel sparks fly at this tiny touch, so you ignored that, as well.

“You host these kinds of things often?” You asked, leaning against the wall and taking a sip of your champagne. The room was full of very important people, though none of them seemed to be talking about very important things. You couldn't quite wrap your head around why a high-level executive who had married into one of the largest media conglomerates was wasting his time talking to you (flirting with you?), but you had seen stranger things in this city.

He grimaced and shook his head. “No, no. I’m usually just a guest.” Tom laughed and took a sip of his drink. “And not a very important one, at that.”

“I’m sure that's not true. I mean, how many people watch ATN? And you’re in charge of what airs or doesn't air.”

“1.89 million,” he replied, taking a sip of his drink, “Outside of the office, nobody’s really worried about what I think.”

“Not even your wife?” You stopped after you said the words, giving your brain a second to catch up with your mouth. “I’m sorry, I didn't mean any disrespect, I–”

“No, no, no, no, it’s okay,” he assured you, reaching out to rest a hand on yours consolingly. Tom leaned in closer so only you would hear him, unnecessary considering the secluded corner you two were in.

“But no, not even my wife.”

Your eyes darted to his hand atop yours, suddenly aware of how large his hands were. They almost completely covered yours, and they felt so comfortable and right there, like–

“We have an open marriage,” he suddenly said.

“Oh.”

Tom seemed disappointed with this reaction, quickly removing his hand from yours and adding, “That’s just to say that, our marriage is, uh, unconventional, so her not caring what I have to say isn’t that unusual.”

You were still processing the feel of his hand on yours, much less the revelation that he actually might be flirting with you and that it actually might go somewhere. By the time your thoughts caught up with you, it seemed like he was about ready to excuse himself and go scream at his reflection in the bathroom.

“Well, I’m sorry about that,” you responded, mirroring his gesture from before and resting your hand on top of his to comfort him. “You don’t deserve that, really.”

He scoffed. “You don't know what I deserve.”

You looked up at him, taking the time to absorb the look in his eyes that revealed just how much he was going through.

“Uh, Tom?”

Tom rolled his eyes and turned away from you to snap at the source of the interruption. “What, Greg? Can’t you see I’m having a conversation?”

“It’s just–well, Shiv is leaving with someone.” The taller man gestured at the door, where sure enough, Shiv was weaving her way through the crowd toward the elevators with the lobbyist from earlier, her hand guiding her by the small of her back.

Tom bit the inside of his cheek. “Well, Greg, we do have an open marriage. So, everything’s fine. Now, scram.”

Greg looked between the two of you and hesitated for a second before nodding and disappearing back into the bustle of the party.

Tom turned back to you. “That’s Shiv’s cousin, Greg. I’ve sort of taken him under my corporate wing, so to speak. Showing him the ropes and all that.”

You nodded, finishing your champagne.

“Well,” he said.

“Well,” you echoed.

He paused for a minute, though it seemed to last much longer than that. “You’re writing an article about this party, right?”

“Yeah,” you responded, unsure of where he was going with this.

Tom leaned in, lowering his voice. “What would your editor say if you got a behind-the-scenes look at the party?”

You raised your eyebrow.

“Of course, you'd have to come upstairs…” Something shifted in his tone. You were well aware of what the change implied, and you’d be lying if you said you didn't want to jump at the offer. This wasn’t you, though. Sleeping with a married man? On top of that, not just any married man, but the host of the party that you were covering for work. It sounded like a problem you’d encounter on an Intro to Ethics exam. But any moral qualms you had about the issue were pushed out of your head when you registered the way Tom was looking at you.

“Of course,” you repeated, nonchalantly, setting your empty champagne glass on a nearby table.

Something flickered in Tom’s eyes. “Shall we?”

“Lead the way, Wambsgans,” you replied, gesturing dramatically.

Neither of you spoke for the entire walk away from the excitement of the party to the quiet of Tom’s bedroom. It looked much like you had expected it to look: modern, chic, and impersonal. You were sure Tom (or Shiv) had some personal items somewhere in the house, but the bedroom was so clean and styled that the only indication anyone slept or dressed in there was some of Shiv’s makeup and jewelry strewn haphazardly on the vanity.

When he had closed the door behind you, Tom stepped closer to you experimentally, as if he was afraid you'd flee like a wild deer if he moved too fast. You stepped closer as well, which seemed to give Tom the permission he was looking for. Within seconds, his mouth was on yours, his hands cupping your face, all tongue and teeth. There was hunger and desperation in the kiss, but it was hypnotizing, beckoning you deeper and deeper. He was almost doubled over to reach you (god, he was tall), so you shifted your weight to stand on your tiptoes.

Tom broke the kiss, leaving you with a confused look on your face.

He shed his suit jacket, throwing it carelessly on the floor. Next, he rolled up the sleeves of his shirt to his elbows. Tugging on the length of his tie, he loosened it enough to undo a few buttons at his collar, revealing an inviting expanse of chest hair.

“Turn around,” he told you, snapping you out of your male-stripper-fantasy gaze.

You did as he said, something in his tone going straight to your core. You felt him run his hands from your shoulders down your arms, then down your hips and up to your waist, the action bunching up the fabric of your dress. He moved your hair to the side, pressing hot kisses to your neck that made your eyes roll back.

“Can I take this off?” He whispered, his lips trailing up to your ear.

You nodded in response, trembling momentarily under his touch. Tom unzipped your dress, helping you push it down your body and step out of it. He unhooked the back of your bra without moving further. It occurred to you then how wrong this was, to be sleeping with someone else’s husband in their own bedroom, but to your surprise, you didn’t care. The only thing you cared about was the heat of Tom’s gaze on your bare back. You took your bra off the rest of the way and discarded it on the ground next to your dress. Once in only your underwear, you turned back around to face him, watching his eyes follow every curve of your body to drink in the newly exposed skin.

“Wow,” he said, simply, reaching out to grab you by the hips and pull you closer to him. “You’re gorgeous.”

Grinning, you stood on your tiptoes to kiss him again, cradling his face in your hands. You felt him smile back into your kiss. Before you knew it, he had you pressed against the wall, totally enclosed by his larger form. He went from kissing you on your lips to your neck to behind your ear to your chest, as if he couldn't decide which spot deserved the most attention or for how long.

One of his hands slid down to the waistband of your underwear, the cold metal of his wedding ring a shock against your hot skin. You made eye contact with him as his hand slipped between the fabric and your skin cup your cunt, whining when you felt his touch. He seemed to get off on that, capturing you in a kiss again at the same time he slipped a digit into your wet heat. You were too hot; you pressed your hand to his chest to stabilize yourself and pushed your underwear down your legs and kicked them off. Tom smiled at this, getting right back to pumping his finger in and out at a pace that almost made you melt down the wall.

It was probably a power trip thing, you thought, you totally naked and him almost fully clothed. You didn't mind because it was kinda hot, but it wasn't what you had expected from Tom based on the unassuming, Midwestern image of him that was circulated in columns and by the Roys themselves. But, then again, you hadn't expected to find yourself in this position at all when you left your apartment earlier that night.

The pace of his fingers felt so good, so intoxicating, that now that you had him, you needed more of him.

“A-another one,” you whined between kisses.

When you opened your eyes to look at him, Tom had a smug look on his face. Sure, it was arrogant, but it turned you on, so who really cared? “Yeah?” he asked, “You want another one?”

“Tom,” you hissed, gripping onto his shoulder as his finger curled in just the right way that it made your legs go numb.

The look remained on his face, but he added another finger nonetheless. Tom appeared to inhabit both extremes when it came to sex: he really wanted to pleasure you but he also really wanted to do what he wanted. Luckily, those two wants aligned.

He was making you feel so good that you needed to have more of him. Your kisses got sloppier, each so desperate to be further molded with one another that your tongues tried to push impossibly further into the other’s. Tom shifted his hand so he could angle his thumb to rub slow, tantalizing circles on your clit as he continued to pump his fingers. Your grip on his shoulder tightened–you feared your fingernails would leave dents in his skin–but like so many other things tonight, you couldn’t bring yourself to care. You could feel the pressure rising in your middle, your cunt clenching around his fingers in anticipation of your impending orgasm, but then it stopped.

You opened your eyes that you hadn't realized were squeezed shut to look at Tom, who had his hand in front of your face, fingers glistening with your slick. “Open,” he encouraged. You obeyed, accepting his fingers into your mouth and licking them clean with a ‘pop.’ He stared at you like you had hung the stars in the sky. He jerked his head toward the bed. “Sit.”

There was authority in his commands, but you didn’t fear him; from the short amount of time you had spent with him, you knew he was at his core a sweet man. You would admit to yourself that you had been curious how his awkward, nervous energy would translate into the bedroom, but once alone, he seemed to be a different man.

You watched him strip off the rest of his clothes eagerly, smiling up at him once he rejoined you on the bed totally naked. He must’ve noticed you staring, because he asked: “Do you want me to put on a condom?”

You shrugged, shifting your eyes back up to his own. “No, it’s okay. I'm on birth control.”

He sighed in relief. “Good. I don't even know if I have one in here.”

“Then why’d you ask?” You laughed, encouraged by the smile that crossed his face when you did so.

“Seemed like the gentlemanly thing to do. If you said yes, I would’ve sent someone to go get one or borrowed one from–”

“Tom?”

“Yeah?”

“Just fuck me already.”

“Alright. If you say so,” he teased, leaning down over you to kiss you. Both your lips were red and puffy from all the kissing and some biting, but it didn’t matter. You could feel his cock pushing against your stomach from the angle, so you reached down to take him in your hand and pump his length.

“Fuck,” he murmured against your skin, face buried in your neck as he pressed kisses to the every inch of available flesh, “Fuck…Can I?”

“Please,” you responded, noticing a little desperate hitch in your voice that you ignored. Tom licked his hand and cupped your sex with it, running the pads of his middle fingers through your folds a few times to collect the wetness between your legs. Gently, he guided his length into your opening

inch by inch, watching your face for any sign of discomfort before bottoming out.

You should’ve expected his dick to be big from his height, the size of his hands, his nose, whatever, but you hadn’t considered just how big. It was quite a stretch to take him fully, but he gave you all the time you needed to adjust and get comfortable. When you were ready, you bucked your hips up into his to give him the okay.

Tom took your permission to move and ran with it, grabbing your left leg and placing it over his shoulder before pressing you down further into the mattress with his body weight so he could thrust into you at a deeper angle.

You lifted your head to meet him to return to making out, the sensation of his tongue down your throat even more erotic now that he was inside of you, as well.

His thrusts were deep but not as aggressive as he had been with his fingers. He wouldn’t vocalize this, or even admit to himself that he was thinking this, but he wanted this to last. As much as it was supposed to be a hookup–emotionless sex–he found himself wanting it to happen again, despite his attempts to push those thoughts deep into the recesses of his mind.

One arm was thrown around Tom’s neck, hand gripping a fistful of his hair. Your other hand went down to your clit, beginning to rub circles to match the pace of his thrusts.

“You wanna cum again?” He teased, “Again, when I haven't cum once?”

You narrowed your eyes at him, playfully, slipping your finger down from your clit to lightly stroke the length of his cock that wasn't fully inside of you.

He let out a moan, eyes twinkling as he snapped his hips a little harder, snickering when you gasped in response.

Tom caught you in another kiss, resting his weight on his forearm that was positioned next to your head. You arched your back up into him, urging him deeper, which he obliged. “Touch yourself,” he said, disconnecting his mouth from yours just long enough to give the command.

You smiled into his lips, rubbing your clit again as his thrusts became sloppier and jerkier. He was holding on until you came again, despite his earlier cockiness. The moment he felt your walls tighten around him, he let go, spilling inside of you with a grunt.

He pulled out, rolling off of you to lay beside you.

Tom was still catching his breath, and you watched his chest heave for a few moments. “Hey, you okay?” He asked. “Everything alright?”

You smiled, nodding and reaching over to kiss him again. “I'm good, yeah. You?”

“Perfect, actually.” Tom smiled back at you. He found himself lost in the moment, lost in your eyes, lost in the connection you two had just had, and it was too much for him. Quickly, he sat up, ready to change the subject. “You need to clean up?”

You furrowed your brow at the sudden shift in his demeanor, but going along with it nonetheless. Despite him just having been inside you, you didn't feel like it was your place to mention the change. “Yeah. Can I?” You asked, gesturing vaguely toward the bathroom.

“Yeah. Oh, yeah. Go ahead. Towels are above the sink.”

You flung your legs over the side of the bed and stood, heading toward the bathroom. “I’ll just clean off real quick, then I’ll be out of your hair.”

“No, no, no. I mean, you can stay the night. If you’d like, that is. I could call you a car, though, if I’ve made some awful faux pas and you don’t want to look at me for another–”

“Tom.” He focused on you again after his brief spiral. “I would like to stay.”

He grinned. “Great, that's great.”

“Just let me–” You waved your hands around your lower body, “–clean all this up.”

“Yeah, of course, sure. I’ll be here.” He added the last part in a quasi-sing-song voice.

At the sound of the shower turning on, Tom rose to locate his clothes and try to clean up. He pulled his boxers back on, taking his dress shirt, pants, & jacket to be thrown into the hamper. They really should be dry-cleaned, he considered, but found that he couldn’t be bothered. As for your clothes, he wasn’t sure what exactly to do with them, so he laid your dress across a chair in the bedroom and left your bra and underwear on the floor. He was still considering whether he should pick them up or not when you came out of the bathroom, towel wrapped around your torso.

Once you had dressed in your undergarments again and Tom had given you an undershirt to sleep in, you started to wonder what all this meant. If it had just been a hookup, why were you staying the night? You had thought you’d feel dirty and disgusted with yourself, spending the night in someone else’s bed with someone else’s husband, but you didn’t. You didn’t know what that said about you, what it meant that you were perfectly comfortable talking into the night with Tom, both laughing and sharing stories long after you had agreed to turn the lights off and get some sleep. That almost made it worse, you thought, that it wasn’t just sex. That made it dangerous.

After you had drifted off, Tom spent a few minutes watching you sleep. He tucked a stray hair behind your ear, watching the worries of the day wash off your face while you slept. He knew it was wrong to be more comfortable in this bed with you than he was with his own wife. But that was something to deal with (or repress) in the morning. Here, now, with you wrapped in his and Shiv’s bedsheets, your form against his chest rising and falling with his breaths, he could pretend it was meant to be like this.

@swiftcession @greenwrldsz @zirrocom @lukas-matsson @ledtassoo @bluecruz97 @rita-lean @grainyimag3

[ikamigami]

MY THOUGHTS ON SUN'S CURRENT STATUS IN SAMS AND WHAT HINTED THINGS MAY BE IMPLYING

I'm stating this just in case so no one could say that I'm saying it's canon or that I'm trying to say that the show is done if nothing from what I'm about to say will happen because that's not what I'm doing here. All I'm doing is posting my thoughts on my own blog.

Sun is doing better compared to last year, that's for sure.

But the thing is that Sun never sounds convincing when he's saying that he's fine - he isn't confident when he's saying this.

Ofc it's obvious that Sun isn't fully okay. But like I explained several times already - even if he expressed having suicidal thoughts several times (not so long ago even) he won't leave his family. He lives for them. But show recently repeatedly showed us that Sun is willing to throw away his own life to protect his family.

The show might be hinting to something with Sun's line "I wonder if it'd be better if Moon and I never separated" - which is obvious callback to episode with dimension where they never separated and Moon killed Sun - and with Molten mimicking Sun's voice - which might be a callback but is definitely a reminder of short arc with Mimic who was pretending to be Sun (coincidentally or not it's also the same episode where Sun told computer to shoot the lasers at him).

It's a bit sad to see that not only characters in the show (Earth) but also fans are ignoring Moon's concerns about Sun. Whether if there's a good reason for Moon to be worried or not, Moon's concerns should be treated seriously not because "oh something will happen to Sun" but for Moon's sake..

Have anyone wondered why Moon is keeping everything a secret?

It's obvious that he want to keep his family safe. But it wouldn't be surprising that Moon may also not feel comfortable with talking with his family about it - especially Earth - when his concerns were previously dismissed..

We can see that Moon is still scared that he may lose Sun. That's why he was dreaming that Sun died. Which whether we like it or not is partially Earth's fault because she didn't try to comfort Moon but she denied his worries in very hard way that doesn't allow a room for any objection..

Why am I pointing that Moon may not feel comfortable to talk with Earth about his secret?

Because even if he lied to Sun, he opened up to him about his thoughts regarding bringing Solar back - that if Ruin was still around would it be okay to sacrifice him to bring Solar back - which tells us a lot about how much different New Moon is from Old Moon..

Old Moon would never say anything to Sun. He wouldn't utter a single word to Sun about his possible plans..

New Moon is different. Even if hides from Sun the fact that he holds Ruin captive, he very much shared his thoughts about his plans with Sun. Even if Sun doesn't know that Moon actually plans to do it, he knows what is plaguing Moon's mind..

It shows us that Moon trusts Sun. He deeply cares about Sun's opinions.

I'd be very angry if Monty won't tell Sun about Moon's weird dream and that Moon is acting in very concerning way..

Sun will be devastated if Moon will sacrifice Ruin to bring Solar back. But not because Moon hid the truth from him but because Moon is hurting so much and decided to do something bad instead of reaching out for help..

I think that Sun will be devastated more by Moon being reckless - which will definitely remind him of Old Moon (and I'm not saying this to say that New Moon is no different from Old Moon but I'm saying this because for me it always looked like that Sun was always worried about Old Moon - who was acting very recklessly most of the time - and seeing New Moon being reckless would bring Sun these painful memories that Moon was acting reckless and Sun wasn't able to stop him, to help him..)

And knowing that Dazzle is July 16th victim we may get a glimpse on Sun's trauma from that day..

Which reminds me what both hallucination of BM and new BM told Sun - about taking over him and causing chaos once again..

Which reminds me of my theory that Sun may have depressive psychosis and delusions centered around guilt and unworthiness..

Sun being scared that he may create another AI to cause havoc for him and feeling guilty and responsible for Old Moon's state wouldn't surprise me..

And if Moon will do something bad.. I think that Sun may feel as he failed New Moon just like he failed Old Moon..

Maybe what I'm saying is a huge stretch but for me it makes a lot of sense..

Sun once tried to sacrifice himself for his family, for Moon when he decided to be conduit for star's power. He survived then. In Moon's dream he died sacrificing himself to protect Lunar.

With Moon heading in the wrong direction I feel that we may have a third and final "Sun sacrificing himself to protect his family" moment..

With history repeating itself so much - and knowing that Sun is the most affected by that because he's the one who remembers everything - and with Dazzle being confirmed July 16th victim, show may finally touch on Sun's trauma and mental issues some more..

I don't know what show have in store for us but I'm hopeful.

[taruchinator]

💻 General Audiences

💻 2.6k Words

💻 Written for the Brain Zine!

Brain wasn't blind to his surroundings.

He prided himself on being a man of intuition—someone who simply had an inkling and relied on it on his day-to-day life, be it in battle or while interacting with others.

To say he didn't notice the cases of keyblade wielders being in a state of melancholy after the war would be foolish on his behalf. What could he do to change that?

Hey everyone, Alice here! Welcome back to my KH vault! ^^

I've been meaning to share this story written for the Brain zine about two years ago for a while now, since I'm honestly quite happy with how it came out! I was never much of a Brain fan, but I definitely grew appreciation for him while writing this.

It's meant to be a retelling of the in-game cutscene in which he creates the Spirits in KHUx post-Keyblade War. Wanted to dive into the hows and whys of him creating them, so hopefully you'll enjoy!

Brain wasn't blind to his surroundings.

He prided himself on being a man of intuition—someone who simply had an inkling and relied on it on his day-to-day life, be it in battle or while interacting with others. He was also very bright, both academically and psychologically.

To say the ravenette didn't notice the cases of keyblade wielders being in a state of melancholy would be foolish on his behalf. And it was a number that continued to rise almost at an alarming rate.

“Getting some fresh air?” A voice brought Brain back to reality, as he realized he had been leaning on one of the pillars outside of the prestigious Clock Tower that had once served as a hideout to the Foretellers. The view from above was breathtaking, and also remarkably spacious to all of Daybreak Town in its glory.

Adjusting his fedora in a way that would slightly cover his face, the ravenette smirked. “With all the paperwork and dusty old cabinets, can you blame me?”

His companion—their leader, a fact he'd have to get used to—chuckled softly at the comment. “Fair enough. Out of all of us, I'm kinda glad you're the one who volunteered to sort through the Foretellers' stuff. You seem to know your way around books.”

“Books contain the knowledge that people didn't have the courage to speak aloud. At least that's how I see it. For now, I haven't really found much of use other than what I already gave you…”

“Oh, don't worry! That's not why I'm here. Just wanted to see how you were doing, that's all!” Ephemer scratched at the back of his neck with a sheepish grin, one that had Brain realizing how true and genuine he was, unlike many others he'd met before. Probably one of the qualities Master Ava saw in him.

“Oh? How thoughtful of you then, fearless leader.” Brain rolled his eyes, which caused Ephemer to lightly punch him in the arm in protest, only to end up having a chuckle erupt between them as it echoed through the empty halls. It was rather… nice.

“I wonder how everyone's doing…” Ephemer spoke softly, as if it were more of a thought to himself rather than a question. The albino then proceeded to lean forward as he stared at the town below, admiring the view with a bittersweet gaze twinkling in his eyes. “I know this was all meant to happen, and it was for a greater purpose and all… I just wish the Dandelions didn't have to pay the price for it.”

“So he sees it too. Of course he does, I mean, anyone would.” Wielders could be seen in the distance by Fountain Square—the usual pep in their step gone and replaced with something much somber. As if there was a much heavier weight resting on their shoulders that would never permit them to be the same ever again.

This was the result of war.

“I wonder where he's at.” Ephemer spoke once more, this time curiosity evident in his voice as he leaned forward and squinted at the blobs in the distance. The ravenette couldn't hold back the chuckle that erupted. “Who?”

As if he'd forgotten he wasn't alone, the other boy jolted slightly and then went to scratch at the back of his head once again. A habit of his, Brain could only presume. “A-Ah! It's nothing, just a friend of mine! He isn't technically a Dandelion but he survived the war. Haven't seen him since, though…”

“Well, if he's a friend of yours, I'm sure he's fine. Probably goofing off somewhere.” Brain let himself smile for a moment at the statement, and then went to express what he'd been thinking about before Ephemer arrived. “If something like this was meant to happen in the Book of Prophecies, then I'm sure there must be some way to make it better. We just haven't found it yet. So don't give up so soon, leader.”

Staring in slight disbelief, the albino returned the gesture. “Thanks, Brain. You're right. Just gotta follow the clues laid out for us!”

“May your heart be your guiding key…” Brain nodded alongside his companion.

If there was a way to reverse the effect the Keyblade War had on all the wielders, he was positive he'd find it. As Union Leader, it was now part of his duties. No one deserved the dark hollowness that was brought by this aftermath.

He was going to make things right.

That was the duty of a leader.

The Foretellers' chamber was nothing like he expected.

For people who were meant to be an example to the entire Keyblade wielder population, they certainly didn't put ‘tidiness’ too high up on their priority list. You could probably argue that training would be at the top of that metaphorical list, but organization was the foundation to any good regimen, and this room was anything but organized.

Brain wasn't lying to Ephemer when he mentioned all the dusty old cabinets and scattered paperwork that he'd tried piecing together for the past few days. The place almost seemed ransacked, and as if someone had left in a hurry and didn't even bother to put everything back where it belonged.

Easier for him at least, since he could start a new system without any complications.

The room had hardly any furniture in it, despite what the size might suggest. Filing cabinets, a few bookshelves, the grand round table, and a small working station that most definitely belonged to the Master of Masters.

“You know your eyes are gonna fall off if you keep staring at those all day, right? It's not like if you read them again it will make something new appear!” A high-pitched voice spoke behind the ravenette's shoulder, not startling him in the slightest despite the fact that he was supposed to be alone.

“I actually started collecting lots of data based on the evidence left on these pages. And I wouldn't have been able to do that without thorough research, Chirithy.” Leaning back against the chair, Brain smiled as he turned to face his spirit companion.

The tiny creature merely let out a long sigh as it adjusted itself comfortably on the table. “It's always you and your research. Have you even eaten anything?”

“Some fruit from the Moogle Shop. You don't need to worry about me, I know my limits.” He waved his hand dismissively as he tried to get Chirithy off the book he'd been previously reading, and the small cat-like spirit could only reluctantly agree with a huff. “You say that, but you've barely gotten any sleep this week! I've had to wake you up at least three times just to get you on time for your meetings…”

Brain recalled the instances his companion was referring to, but immediately shook them off as he nodded towards the corner of the room. “If you want to get some load off my shoulder, why don't you tidy up around here? I've been inhaling nothing but dust and cobwebs for at least a few days.”

Turning to look at where the boy was pointing, Chirithy raised its eyebrows as it saw only a broom staring back at them. The spirit crossed its tiny paws, almost looking offended. “You think I'm this place's janitor or something?”

With a shrug, the ravenette picked up the book from before and pretended to start reading again. “I'm just saying, you'd really be helping me out.”

Chirithy stayed silent for a moment, its tiny fedora covering most of its face as they stared down at the floor. It didn't take more than a few seconds before a grumble was heard and the spirit jumped off the table. “Fine! But I'm only doing this because it's my duty as your spirit guardian! Also if someone else comes in here, I'm saying it was your idea!”

The Union Leader laughed as his Chirithy made its way towards the desired spot. “I'm counting on you, partner!”

More grumbling could be heard in the distance. “Yeah yeah, whatever. Just be sure to find something useful in those dumb old- woah!”

The carefree moment was short lived as the sound of collision reached Brain's ears. In its whining, the spirit hadn't noticed the cabinet that the broom had been leaning on, and promptly crashed against the solid surface with enough force to knock it over along with all the contents inside. The ravenette quickly stood up and made his way over. “Chirithy!”

Small clouds of dust had also surfaced from the fall, which caused the keyblade wielder to cough and wave for the puffs to go away. Chirithy suddenly emerged from the chaos—thick dust covered its body, and only a tiny area that appeared to be its nose was left untouched. “I-I'm…fine…”

After realizing his companion was unharmed, Brain visibly relaxed and allowed himself to chuckle at the display. “You know what? That look suits you quite well. Now you look like a black cat! That should teach you to watch where you're going.”

Chirithy began shaking its body to try and get rid of the black coal in its fur. “Hey, it wasn't just me! When you have piles of stuff lying around, how do you expect people not to trip?”

“What are you talking about? I didn't put anything-” The boy was quickly cut off mid-sentence, as he turned behind the creature and found a pile of books he hadn't seen before. Where did those even come from?

Brain walked towards the tumbled pieces of literature and knelt down to pick one of them up. A thick film of dust painted over the cover, and as such he blew at it to try and get some off. What lay underneath was something the ravenette could've never been prepared for.

The Master of Masters' journal.

“Brain? What's wrong?” Chirithy's voice brought the boy back to reality as he remained frozen in shock. Quickly standing up, he headed back to the workstation and planted the heavy book on the table. “Chirithy, I think we're finally onto something. I'm gonna need some time to read through this, okay?”

The tiny spirit perked its ears in curiosity, but understood the importance of the situation and simply saluted as he picked up the fallen broom. “Yes, sir! This place will be sparkling clean before you know it!”

As soon as the spirit left to start the sweep, Brain sat down and began flipping away.

He was thankful that after so many days going from one book to the other nonstop, he had learned the skill of skimming through pages in a matter of seconds. And the things that the young wielder was seeing were nothing short of fascinating.

Stories from the Master's youth. Entries on the Foretellers. Speculations on how the Keyblade War would begin and how to prevent it.

But there was one page in particular that immediately caught Brain's eye: ‘Creating The Spirit Chirithys’.

“Is this… a recipe to create a Chirithy?” The ravenette knew that the Masters had created the Chirithys as a means to give guidance to all Keyblade wielders, but he never actually stopped to question the method that was used to bring them to life. If this truly was a step-by-step process on how to create a Chirithy, then he had discovered a gem.

All Chirithys were meant to guide and protect their partners from darkness, and according to the Master's journal, they could also indicate the state of a wielder's heart—whether it still belonged to the light or not.

But above all else, the boy found one trait to be of particular interest: A Chirithy was able to consume its wielder's nightmares and protect them from them.

It was fascinating for certain, but Brain's mind couldn't help but wander into a possibility of something else. Something that could benefit all wielders, especially regarding their current situation. “If Chirithy can consume people's nightmares… What if they could also do that with bad memories? Those that bring nothing but pain and sorrow?”

Memories like those of the Keyblade War.

The prospect was far too enticing to pass on. Flipping through the pages, Brain looked into the strange list of materials he needed for the experiment—from Lux all the way to Fairy Dust. Thankfully, the ravenette had seen most of these scattered around the cabinets in the room.

He quickly gathered everything he could find, and began adding some slowly into a small circular beaker.

If he wanted this to work, he wouldn't just have to replicate a Chirithy, but also modify the spirit into something different. Something unique.

Staring at the instructions on his lap that seemed more like a load of rambling notes, Brain couldn't help but sigh as he massaged his temple in slight frustration.

Something told him it was going to be a long night.

“Aww he's so fluffy!”

“H-He's also a lot heavier than he looks!”

Skuld and Ventus were doting all over the small pink feline spirit, currently snuggling against the blonde's neck and licking away at his cheek. Skuld was scratching at the fluff in the creature's neck, giggling in glee.

“So these spirits are like Chirithy? What exactly are they for?” Ephemer stared from afar at the duo with a smile on his face, yet side eyeing Brain for an answer.

“Turns out the answer was staring us right in the face this whole time. The Book of Prophecies gave us the task to create spirits that will aid wielders in forgetting everything regarding the war.” The ravenette flipped the pages of his own copy until he landed on the aforementioned task left for them.

Ephemer's eyes widened slightly. “Forget the war? You mean… erasing their memories?”

“Exactly. Chirithy has the ability to devour our nightmares, and these little guys would have a similar purpose—erase the memories that cause most pain, in this case being the war. We would be the only ones who would recall the event.” The only ones that would carry the burden. As any leader should.

“I see…” The albino kept his gaze fixated on Ven and Skuld, watching them giggle and laugh at the small creature running around them in circles. His smile changed to a more somber one. “As long as it's protecting them, I don't see why we shouldn't go with it.”

Noticing Ephemer's change in demeanor, Brain elbowed him on the side with a smirk. “Don't you worry, leader. The memories left behind will be nothing but good ones. And besides, its not like only one person will be holding onto this secret. You're not alone. You've got us.”

Returning his smile to normal, the boy elbowed him in return with a wink. “Yeah, you're right. And speaking of not being alone, neither are you. You should get some rest while the rest of us look into the chamber.”

Brain scoffed slightly. “I'm fine, but thank you for the concern.”

Ephemer merely raised an eyebrow. “Your Chirithy said they've caught you passing out in the desk more often than usual.”

“What? When did he-?”

“It smells to me like he could use a shower, too. May I interest you in a little something called soap?” Out of nowhere, Lauriam joined in on the teasing as he walked next to the ravenette with a smug look on his face.

Laughter erupted between the two and Brain could only sigh in defeat.

He was never the type to do things with others in mind. He was a loner for the majority of his life. And yet here he was, being thrusted onto a world with different values and ideas from his own, still it didn't bother him as much as he thought it would.

Maybe Master Ava was right.

The future wasn't decided, no matter what the Book told them. And with a group as unpredictable as theirs, perhaps they stood a chance at making things better.

For everyone.

✦𝐂𝐡𝐞𝐜𝐤 𝐌𝐲 𝐂𝐚𝐫𝐫𝐝 𝐓𝐨 𝐅𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐨𝐰 𝐌𝐲 𝐒𝐨𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐥𝐬!✦

[senashenta]

My Unplanned Hiatus

I don't know if anyone on here still cares about me and my work or not, but I've been on an unplanned hiatus for practically forever and I'm just getting ready to come back (ish) so I thought I'd explain what's going on with me, at least a little.

Basically: I'm seriously mentally ill. I'm bi-polar. I'm depressed. I'm suicidal. Until recently I couldn't focus on anything but the blackness I was living in. I was recently diagnosed as ADHD as well, which wasn't surprising but like. Come on. It explains a lot about how my brain works (or doesn't work, as the case may be.) It turned out to be a good thing, though, because the ADHD meds change my brain so much that they're actually making me less depressed. Still passively suicidal, though. Passively. But things are looking up, and now that I'm on the new meds I'm also becoming productive with my writing again. I also recently got glasses, which means I can read and do my hobbies (jewelry making, painting, just crafting in general) again, which will help with my mental health. Progress.

I've been posting here a little bit lately, mostly pics of my cats that I thought were worth sharing, but hopefully I can get more active again.

About my writing: I'm currently 85 pages into a 10-page Supernatural fic. My very first Supernatural fic, even though I've been a fan since day one, episode one. My first Destiel fic too. A lot of firsts. But I'm having fun. Here's hoping it gets a good response when it drops.

I currently have the next chapters of both Chemistry and Marked open in Word to work on once I'm done my SPN monstrosity, so I haven't completely given up on my Hijack stuff just yet.

I want to write more stuff in The Witcher universe, but I don't know if I'll get around to it any time soon. My writing never really caught on in The Witcher fandom, despite my best efforts, so the motivation isn't as strong there as it is in other fandoms.

I have a SHIT TON of new Valdemar stuff to write/work on, as well as older fics that I want to finally complete, so that's coming down the line as well. Eventually.

I think that's all the big ones. Anyway. So that's the basic run-down. Direct your questions to my inbox. To any of you who are actually still around, thanks! Hopefully I'll catch you soon!

[craetor]

Another Death Note book, another Tumblr post of overanalyzing details within it

This is a literal reformatted Twitter thread that was collected as the book was read, so, in theory, one could just flip through the book & find the things addressed all in order. Enjoy my needlessly high IQ going to town on this damn legendary expansion pack AU spin-off novel...

This obviously contains spoilers to L Change The World

.

"I'm no good with girls" - L Lawliet, like 2004? (He probably had a real good time having Misa around)

L calls the kids of Wammy's House "letters" (*tries not to explode*)

It's verified that the orphans are entrusted with solving cases as grave as murders to prove & train themselves

Beyond Birthday is mentioned to crack his neck in LABB, which is oddly enough also a habit of Ryuk's. Shinigami urges, especially those of the rather unhinged kind

Suruga heard that L never even showed his face to Misora, meaning she kept quiet about their encounter to everyone until her very death. Which is pretty nice.

Tbh Beyond wasn't too far off about mocking L's behavior. He does tend to crawl when he's being frantic & is also a messy eater (from getting food on himself when not provided with utensils (even when he is...), to consuming excessive amounts of sweet toppings)

There's too many "god"s in DN names... ('Kagami' can be translated to 'nurse god' which is so stupid & uncreative /affectionately)

"L's back grew rounder as he sat on the sofa with his knees tucked tightly against his chest. [...] He seemed to be burdened by the weight of something very heavy that she could not see". L's slouch gets lower after Watari dies under his surveillance. Nothing new, just fantastic symbolism that I love about him.

Also how actually well L suppresses his emotions while working on cases is really outlined in this book. It gets to a point where he seems apathetic, as people who've seemingly gone through trauma reunite over tears in front of him, while minutes beforehand, he's exuded real sadness over Watari's passing. (this is not inherently negative or positive)

His reputation with the FBI really sticks to him like a tick, yet it's suppressing his humanity that gets L to do what's needed & initiate measures necessary (which earned him the ill-willed reputation of kinky bizarre murder-loving detective. Whereby I still can't quite locate the origin of the "murder-loving" part..)

"Nobody would think anything important to be in a bag of potato chips, don't you think?" Honey, first of all, how did you fit an entire notebook into a bag of potato chips without it looking like it's your 1 pound hershey's chocolate stash... Oh, and L has a pattern of emulating tricks that people have used to try and fool him

It seems that L wasn't lying when he said that he's a fan of Misa's work, though idrk what to make of that... Not everything in the half-canon is canon, kids. M went a bit too hard on that 'L is weird & creepy' at times. Until it's not even goofy and ridiculous anymore, I'm just.. concerned?

L seems fulfilled and glad when he's stressed about saving the world. Nothing like a superiority complex, just very INTJ.

L will know to evaluate people so much as to accept food from the ones trying to deceive him, if he knows they're pacifists. Having them vacuum his room & stuff, letting them think they're earning his trust. A side of him we haven't seen thus far, just thought it to be important to share.

Watari, now officially L's mentor and father figure (we knew this but i love it)

The fact that L prones to share sweets with anyone compatible to himself or whoever he wants to tempt is not just a quirky gesture of respect, but actually seems to write out, more than anything, 'let's put us on the same level here. Have this thing that indicates gross luxury within societal hierarchy while also being the thing that keeps me going on an everyday-basis'

Fem-disguise flirty L. He's enjoying the vibe & living vicariously. That's it that's the jot

And then there's page 151. And i wonder, am I needed here at all?

The "L-organization" Blue Ship made up is comically the truest hypothesis that has existed as a theory about L. After all, Wammy's House is the founding ground of 26 Ls each generation to come

Watari seems to be involved with the Wammy's kids more than initially thought. But this could also be Kujo's illusion, as having any contact with the one closest to L at all would be a big deal and in her mind more prominently

And finally, the relationship that was created between L & Light is closer to love and worship than friendship. Even best friends. L's reliance on the thought of Light even exists as comfort in heavily emotionally distressing situations. Your definitely romantically touched soulmate-other-half-comfort-human can be your best friend too is what I'm trying to say. Like, you don't have to choose. Just add it to the list.

Verdict: I assume the main point of the book is literally to clear up misunderstandings about L, hence information about him is being blatantly pointed out and aggressively reinforced around every corner. But I'm here anyways because page 151 exists for me and me only (and everybody else who's done their thing correctly before having read this thing) as a pat on the back and a hearty 'good job'. It was fun to have found a couple more hidden details along the way too though. L called Light his 'best friend' like he called Misora 'some guy in the US who told me about capoeira'

[xthelastknownsurvivorx]

2023 Writing Roundup

Thanks @inexplicablymine for the tag! This was a lot of fun to do

January

Satisfied (Never Have Been, Never Will Be) — RWRB, T, 833

Or, a rewrite of the lyrics of "Satisfied" from Hamilton set at the beginning of Philip and Martha's wedding, except Alex is a little flirtier and a little less repressed, told from Henry's pov.

February

Some Element of Mystery — RWRB, M, 4k

Or, five times that Alex thought Henry was a stripper, plus one time Henry corrected him. Written for the informal stripper!Henry fest.

March

Was working on finishing my master's thesis instead of fic for the most part, though I did write a few drabbles and make progress on my reincarnation au (see November)

April

Burn (They're Watching Us/I Hope That They) — RWRB, T, 295

Or, a rewrite of the lyrics of "Burn" from Hamilton, set immediately after the email leak, told from Alex's pov.

May

Graduated/finished my master's 🎉🎉 while also writing more of my reincarnation au (see November), including some major revisions

June

Got sick for part of the month, then spent the rest of it furiously working on my brownstone anniversary exchange fic (see July) doing tons of (probably unnecessary) research about Saturday Night Live and royal weddings.

July

SNL | Season 45 Episode 2 | HRH Prince Henry & FSOTUS Alex Claremont-Diaz — RWRB, M, 9k

Or, the fic in which I said bet and sent firstprince onto Saturday Night Live instead of having Alex go to London for a weekend. Written for the Brownstone Anniversary Fic Exchange.

August

Spent the month trying to make a lot of progress on reincarnation au (see November) and finally got some betas

September

Had a bad case of writer's block for most of the month, then went insane and wrote something for firstprince week (see October) despite promising myself I wasn't going to participate

October

Not a Day I Don't Miss (Those Rude Interruptions) — RWRB, T, 2k

Or, a Henry character study set during the week following Henry running from the lake house, loosely inspired by Taylor Swift's "Last Kiss". Written for firstprince week.

November

Red, White, and Royal Switcheroo — RWRB, T, 6k

Or, a body swap au set during Alex's "make nice" trip to England in which Alex and Henry have to play at being each other, and Alex discovers Henry's role is, in fact, very much not much easier to play. Written for Halloween, Huh?

Every Time My Heart Swings Back to You — RWRB, M, ~90k (ongoing)

Or, a reincarnation au set mostly in the modern era with college students Alex and Henry trying to piece together the story of their past lives as a knight and a prince through a series of non-linear flashbacks.

December

Trying my best to finish reincarnation au while also plotting out a very ambitious fic for a new fandom (mysterious lotus casebook) that I'll be trying to tackle in 2024. Also the month I got super into cdramas/c-ent.

--

Wow, compiling all this made me realize I wrote a whole lot more than I thought: posting 9 stories and writing around 50k new words! I also participated in a lot more fan events than ever before and finally begin sharing the story that's been living in my brain and docs only for almost three years. All in all, a very satisfying year for me while also looking forward to new projects in 2024~

I'm probably one of the last wants to get to this but tagging a few others who I don't think have done this (let me know though if you have) @14carrotghoul @formorewishes @affectionatelyrs @anincompletelist @celaestis1 @celeritas2997 @cricketnationrise, plus open tag because I'd love to see anyone else's writing year in review~

[curio-queries]

FRI(END)S : the Music Video

This post is part of a series of my thoughts on this release. Here are the other posts:

QUICKCOMBO: Continuation

QUICKCOMBO: Termination

The Song

The Music Video (this post)

The Promo

THE PRODUCTION

First, I don't claim to have any expertise when it comes to film-making, I just know what makes sense to me. Please remember take all of the following as a personal interpretation and not fact. I'd avoided reading anyone else's reactions during the initial release as I wanted some time to formulate my thoughts...but here we are. If any of you made posts discussing this release, I'd love if you shared a link so I can go check them out now!

I don't remember if there was any speculation prior to the release if this was going to be a fan song for ARMY. There was some precedent for that with other recent solo songs by the members so I remember going into my initial watchthrough wondering if that would be the case. In any case, it's exceedingly clear when watching the mv, that this song is not ABOUT us. And there's a very clear indicator that this is the case. Two words: EYE CONTACT.

There are exactly four times in the mv that V makes direct eye contact with the camera: when he's alone at the convenience store, both zoomouts in the restaurant, and at the end after he greets his doppleganger.

The convenience store moment is very brief and is immediately followed by a shot of what he's seeing and how he reacts to it. This is giving us a window into how this world is effecting him.

The first zoomout in the restaurant, when he's alone is the moment I knew this song wasn't about us. It's such a deliberate breaking of the fourth wall and it lingers foreeeever. The shot is so long. It's beautiful, don't get me wrong but it firmly puts us in our place as the recipient of this message V is delivering to us.

The next zoomout actually stands out to me not because of V's eye contact with us but because of the girl's lack of it. All of the couples in this world have been obvious about being the same with each other. Whether they're loving or fighting, they're both equally in it. Her NOT making eye contact with us while V does, also highlights the idea of this being a conversation that V is having with us. This whole mv is about V telling us how he's effected by the world around him. She can't connect with us because she's part of the world and not part of him.

The end is such a cheeky little moment. V acknowledging that the past few minutes were bananas and that we will do what we do best with their content: extrapolate and theorize. He's giving us his blessing to take it and roll. So let's do it!

THE PLOT

When V makes his bid to end the friendship, there are two possible results: termination or escalation. So let's go through both.

Termination:

V is alone in a world that is seemingly only populated by couples. Everyone else has someone and they are hyper-focused on each other. In this part of the story, the couples are clearly focused on a romantic/sexual connection.

Escalation:

V is no longer alone. He has a lady with him going through the same activities he did previously. But now, all of those couples are fighting with eachother rather than loving, to the point of destruction.

So which side do I subscribe to? Honestly, neither... lol trust the aspec to choose 'none' when presented with a multiple-choice question.

THE END?

That's it. Honestly that's all of my thoughts about the plot. Excellent storytelling and they do a wonderful job of bringing us into this bizarre world in an entertaining way. I do think it's interesting yo contemplate if this is actually describing a weird other world or if this is all in V's head, showcasing how he perceives the world differently based on his relationship status.

...but that's not all I want to chat about regarding this mv. I think this honestly has more to do with my personal mix on the ace-aro spectrums and the self-sacrificing culture I was raised in. Buuuut I've always had this little thought in the back of my mind that getting into a relationship is actually a really selfish thing to do. I realize this is a highly targeted viewpoint but hear me out for a second on why this mv has got me thinking about this. I'm curious if anyone else on the ace-aro spectrums have had similar thoughts so I'll be posting this over on @aspec-kpop as well. Please tell me if this makes sense to any of you!

So, in this world, V is miserable if everyone else is in relationships and he's alone. Or, if he's seemingly happy with his lady, everyone else around them is in absolute chaos. Either way, both stories end up with him bleeding in the street but in the latter, everyone else is miserable, including his girl who now has to suffer the pain of losing a loved one.

As a teen, who didn't have the luxury of knowing about aspec identities, I remember being absolutely haunted by the admonition that 'it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all'. As I got older and it was becoming increasingly clear to me that I would not have the traditional life experiences that were expected of me, this weighed very heavy on my soul. I would then see my friends go through the heartache of breakups, and older relatives suffer at the passing of their loved ones. Maybe the saying was wrong after all; since loving someone would always lead to pain anyway?

Yes, I do realize that this is a fictional world created to be a backdrop for a fun pop song and I'm likely exposing a little too much of my own psyche for strangers on the internet. But I do find it interesting also that in this fictional world, there is no good choice for V to take. Either he's miserable and everyone else is happy or the inverse is true. He is in a position where it's just not possible for him to choose both his own happiness and the happiness for those around him. Sound familiar?

BONUS THOUGHTS:

(This whole section was worded much better and I feel like I had another point but that is now lost to tumblr eating my original post so this is going to have to be what we get.)

Like I said before, I'm curious how y'all reacted to this release. Do any of my points make sense to you as well? I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Just a couple of thoughts from watching the making film:

Tae is so technically competent! It's so satisfying to watch. Did y'all see that moment where he hits his mark walking backwards before the car? Trust a dancer to be so spatially aware.

He's also so good about giving them options with his reactions and expressions. We only get to see the more entertaining ones here but to be so on the ball with a production team that doesn't speak your native language, it's very impressive. Not that I expected any less but it's sure nice to see.

WAIT WAIT WAIT

While rewatching this to see if there were any other interesting tidbits, I noticed the sign that said ACE behind V when he was outside of the restaurant. I'm not usually one to research these kinds of things but I am somewhat partial to the term ACE soi was curious. I found it! It's the ACE CAFE of LONDON.

I no longer feel bad about my aspec interpretations. Aces, this song is OURS! lol

[acacia-may]

Let’s pour some salt together, Acacia~!/lh 💖

If it’s not too much trouble, can I ask #7 generally, #10 for Fairy Tail and Black Clover, and finally #25 for Demon Slayer?

It’s several questions and a bit all over the pl s so I hope you don’t mind… 😅

Cheers, Erika! 🥂 Thanks for the chance to get a little bit salty about so many different things! ^^

Necessary disclaimer above the cut: These are just my own personal opinions based on my personal tastes, perceptions, and feelings regarding the series, stories, and characters and their relationships. I genuinely have the utmost respect and absolutely no ill will towards anyone who has a different opinion than me. In fact, I have always said that one of the greatest things about fandom is that we can all experience and perceive these amazing stories and characters in very different ways but still love them. Even some of my dearest fandom friends enjoy different pairings than me or see our shared favorite characters in wildly different ways than I do. I personally find it very rewarding to have respectful conversations about our differences of opinion, and I hope that my opinions will also be respected. Also, I don't vibe with just mindless bashing things, so even though this is about to get very salty and a little snarky, I'll try to keep it respectful and all in good fun. I am not tagging anything and am hiding my thoughts under the cut so you all don't have to be subjected to my hot takes and "Salty Acacia," if you don't want.

MAJOR Spoilers for Demon Slayer below the cut. You've been warned.

7. Is there anything you used to like but can’t stand now?

ATTACK ON TITAN/SNK. My sister says I need a swear jar because I can just rant for hours about how I was just so personally, viscerally disappointed with how that series ended (made all the worse because I had several years of investment in it). As a disclaimer, I still like my favorite characters and the side story "No Regrets" will always be **Chef's Kiss** but yeah...you could not pay me to watch or read it ever again.

But again, disclaimer, that's just me. It's my cousin's favorite anime of all time, and he loved the ending. Everyone's different.

As for anything else from fandoms I actually talk about...I'm not sure there is anything. Like everyone with an online presence, I have definitely been disturbed, appalled, and otherwise very upset by things I've seen on the internet, but that's what the block button is for (and I know it's all peace, love, & good vibes around here, but I block aggressively, actively, and unapologetically when the situation warrants it). As a general rule though, I try not to let what other people think get to me and ruin the things I love, and in that way, I don't think I have ever had a situation where something was just completely 100% ruined for me by a terrible fic, toxic fandom, or anon hatred ect. ect. I have certainly distanced myself from certain pairings and certain fandoms because of that, but I wouldn't say any of them have ever reached the level of "I can't stand it now." If anything, I sometimes feel a little contrary and dig my heels in on that thing in a petty revenge, "Well in that case, I'll just like this more" kind of way, if that makes sense?

All of that said, I have no patience for nasty, toxic fandom environments, and I stay away from those even if it's a media I really like i.e. you mentioned MHA in one of your salty asks...I wrote my one platonic friendship fic and got the hell outta there (nothing bad happened to me but it just wasn't worth it to take any chances). But that doesn't mean I don't enjoy it in real life and sometimes talk about it with my sisters and irl friends. I just don't want to discuss it online. It's not worth the headache & drama.

I definitely get fandom fatigue sometimes where the aggressiveness and toxicity of the fans of a certain pairing or character I already don't like just intensifies my dislike for that thing. But that's really only ever happened with things I already don't like or don't have an opinion on at all, which I don't think that really fits the prompt here.

10. Most disliked arc? Why?

Fairy Tail: The anime-only Celestial Spirit Arc by a landslide. It was so boring and had so many pacing issues. I literally fell asleep during it and didn't even both going back. I'm also super bitter towards that arc because my sister got so bored during it that she quit the anime (right before getting the best arc Tartaros). I keep begging her to pick it up again and just skip the stupid Celestial Spirit Arc but she swears she is a completionist and would never be able to do it. So yeah. Can't stand that one! The only positive thing I could remotely say about it was that Levy on the game show was kind of entertaining, but overall the whole arc was kind of just like a boring bizarre dream I'd like to forget about.

For arcs that appeared in both the anime and manga, I really didn't like that flute arc (which a google search has informed me is actually called the "Eisenwald Arc"). I'm glad we got Gray and Erza introduced as characters, but the arc had a lot of pacing issues and just went on for way too way, imo. They could've wrapped things up a lot faster, also I just didn't get the whole "evil flute" thing--it was really random and kind of bizarre (also not the most well thought out plan in the world). I will say this arc gets more points than the Celestial Spirit Arc because my sister and I had so much fun making Kokushibo flute jokes.

Black Clover: Gotta go with the anime only arc here too because again, it was boring and didn't have a lot of bearing on the series as a whole. It also felt like a major let down after the high stakes of the Elf Arc. Honestly just not a fan of that one.

If I had to pick a manga arc...uh...I honestly don't know. Maybe the Sosshi village arc? But only because I thought it was better in the anime where they really took the time to flesh out Magna's backstory. It felt more rushed in the manga, but I don't dislike it as much as that anime only one.

If I can pick a character arc, freaking FINRAL'S!! Like what happened here?! It was so, so good...until it wasn't. I JUST CAN'T WITH THE AMOUNT OF REGRESSION. It makes me want to beat my head against the wall even more than he is! But I think this was about story arcs, not characters arc so I'll refrain from ranting here.

25. Would you change the ending of Demon Slayer?

This is kind of a complicated one. My sister and I were just talking about this because she feels there was too much character death, but I feel it was a justified and appropriate amount for the high stakes of the series (even if it was devastating). So for the sake of this discussion, let's assume that the author had a "character death quota" (or a set number of characters who were going to be killed off by the end of the series). If that was the case, I would have axed Uzui at the end of the Entertainment District Arc and saved Genya in the final arc.

If there was a believable/reasonable way that Muichiro could have gone into god-mode and defeated Kokushibo without dying, I would have saved him too, having Uzui take his "death slot." Then I would have saved Genya by having Sanemi die to protect him (which would have been a much more satisfying ending to his arc, in my opinion).

As sad as the other deaths were (*weeps about ObaMitsu*) Muichiro and Genya were children. While it's realistic for them to die, it's especially tragic, and if I got to rewrite the ending, I would prioritize saving them.

Though to be perfectly fair, I would have been much happier with the ending if Uzui had died in the Entertainment District Arc and any of our heroes who died in the final battle survived instead. I'll forever be salty that Uzui of all people somehow managed to survive to the end when so many others did not, especially since his arc had already wrapped up and him dying in the Entertainment District would have been a satisfying conclusion to his story whereas so many other characters who did get axed had storylines that felt unfinished (Genya especially).

Also, Himejima should have played the flute at Kokushibo causing him to lose his cool in the infinity castle so much faster. I'm really upset this didn't happen. (Kidding but I would’ve loved to see him just go completely unhinged over the flute. I make way too many Kokushibo flute jokes…)

[wellbelesbian]

Seven Sentence Sunday

thanks for tagging me @youarenevertooold @artsyunderstudy @alexalexinii and @forabeatofadrum! there aren't many hours left of this sunday and i didn't think i would post anything as i'm super sick with a cold, but i ended up writing a little bit of Keris's POV for a bonus kerixie chapter of my COTTA fic. there's a while to wait before it will be published though!

"I've had to fight for my rights myself. I was at Greenham Common protesting American warheads and fought with the police there, and you know what? It was the most alive I ever felt! That's why the women are running the show, because we actually know what we're doing. And I know especially well. I bet those gay people know what they're doing too, they've been fighting plenty. So if people are going to laugh at you, I suggest you grow a pair and stand up for yourself like we've all been doing!"

i have... thoughts on how the Pride movie approached Lesbians Against Pit Closures, and many of the lesbian characters in general, which i will cover under the cut.

so. the film had a tendency to treat the lesbians as annoying and preachy, and make their attempts at independence seem at best laughable or at worst needlessly divisive. i never liked that, and reading the book on the real events only made it worse.

as the book explains, LGSM could be a loud, politically divided, male dominated group that many women felt they couldn't speak up in. LAPC was necessary for those who felt silenced in the original group or never joined to begin with due to a discomfort with men. the two groups eventually operated alongside one another and you could be a member of both if you were a gay woman, but there were plenty of women who were only a member of one or the other.

and this isn't to criticise LGSM. as i said, they still welcomed women and worked alongside LAPC. many of the men from LGSM stood picketing alongside LAPC when a bar stopped running women's only nights. LAPC twinned with a different village in the north of England, so the existence of the two groups overall helped more people and spread their reach further. the distaste the men have for the idea of a women's group in the movie was nowhere near as strong as it appears to have been in real life.

and we know many lesbians did indeed feel unwelcome around men. they reported being uniquely disliked by the straight men of Onllwyn. while the miners soon got accustomed to the gay men, having at least some common ground with them, they had no interest in lesbians. a sort of "you're not like me, or available to me, so why are you here?" vibe. eventually this attitude seemed to fade and disappear, but by then some women had given up trying to befriend them and had stopped visiting.

however, a lot of the women in Onllwyn were very happy to see the lesbians, as many were queer themselves. some of the lesbians of the group reported having relationships of varying degrees with the Welsh women, and one of the women interviewed in the book was sixteen at the time and came out later in life, being accepted due to LGSM's role in her family's life. today, the village seems very welcoming to lesbians, but that wasn't always the case.

the lesbians also brought with them politics and feminism. while many Welsh women were already politically active (see above when i mentioned Greenham Common, a real protest staged by women of all classes and sexualities before the strikes, and of course they were involved in the miner's strikes), the lesbians fanned that flame and introduced them to new concepts and issues.

Trixie and Keris are my tributes to those two kinds of women. the lesbians of London who got political and struck out on their own, and the lesbians of Wales who only realised they were gay once LGSM arrived and shook up their lives.

anyway. this wound up being longer than i intended.

i'll not tag anyone as it's late, but if anyone wants to share a wip and hasn't been tagged yet, consider this your tag!

[sable-skies]

QUICK -while that Anon is incapacitated from being hit with TWO Voltron mentions- TALK EVEN MORE ABOUT VOLTRON!

Your biggest issues with the show! Wasted potential! And of course the biggest piece of Drama; SHIPS?!?!??

We will never get proper closure. We all share Voltron trauma ✌️😔

the people yearn for a five hour video essay talking about why voltron sucks. (I've literally wanted to make one for Years about it but alas, life happens)

i cant do that yet because of my schedule, but I will give you a snippet on some of my thoughts

Forgive me, for I am about to yap like I'm a fucking professor in the subject, got my master's years ago and all it did was give me fandom trauma (/lh, but there's a reason why I don't join fandom discords anymore or anything like that!) so strap in my brother (gender neutral)

I WILL ADDRESS THIS FIRST: Ships. I actually never shipped anything in VLD! No offense to Klance, but I never really got the appeal? And obviously there's that Other Super Popular one that I'm not gonna name because it's fans are gonna kill me, but I didn't like that one either.

For Klance; I think I never got it because I just. never considered them love interests? Like I would see people losing their minds over it and my (at the time, unknown) aroace ass would just slow blink at them like "yeah man i guess. what?". Could it have been good? Maybe, but it was never the horse I backed personally. I will say, some of the content that came from that ship was absolutely phenomenal though, never doubt what yaoi-obsessed teenagers can do.

I won't say much more on the fandom tbh, but trust me I saw some shit. This blog wasn't around back then but I witnessed some things. Remember the socks? I do.

Moving onto the actual show itself, I actually rewatched at least the first season (and half of the second) because a few friends and I were talking about it again and I wanted to try and get some notes for that video essay I'm totally going to do, and I realized that from the get-go the show was absolutely fucked worldbuilding wise.

I'm a big worldbuilding nerd, I never share my various insane projects but I literally make a new google document every week with ideas for various stories I would love to tell. Worldbuilding is such an essential part to telling a good story and having a believable world, and upon rewatching at least season 1, there's some loose foundation set but then completely butchered by season 3.

I will be honest, people always say that season 4 was the worst, and I will agree it did suck, but in my opinion season 3 was the worst for me. I absolutely hated that they started to switch lions, which I understand is a reference to the original 80s show, but it completely disregarded one of the lines in the FIRST EPISODE about how a bond between a lion and it's pilot is scared, cannot be forced, and is a rare thing. only for that to get thrown out the window. AUGH.

I'm a firm black paladin allura believer personally, I think that would have been so much fun seeing her step into the leadership role she pretty much had from the start alongside Shiro! (Never shipped them for anyone worried, they're just really good friends)

Speaking of friends; I don't think the show really established the team's overall bond well enough. Looking back, there's nothing in the show that promises found family friendships and all that, but the showrunners said that would be the case, and I think they were the biggest reason the show failed. (more on that later)

Sin Squad once said in one of their videos that everyone on the team felt more like co-workers and honestly? I still agree on that sentiment. I can believe that Pidge and Hunk are friends, I can believe that Keith and Shiro have a familial bond, I can believe that Hunk and Lance are friends. But Keith and Pidge? Hunk and Shiro? Hunk and Allura? There are so many potential really good friendships that are completely ignored in favor of other established bonds, and I think it makes the whole "we gotta work as a team!" message a lot weaker because of it. They're all co-workers at best, "strangers forced to be friends under the worst circumstances" at worst (shout out to keith for that line, he was actually spitting)

Additionally, and this is just because I'm still a big Keith head at heart (when I was 15 I wanted to go by that name because I was so attached to him. its funny looking back), I really dislike how they treated his character? In season 1 he didn't get much development, but we got the hints of him being half-galra, and I loved that! Season 2 really built on him and S2 E8 "Blades of Mamora" is still my favorite episode. I love that one with my whole fucking heart. Oh my god.

But then season 3 hit, forced him into a leader positions I don't think he ever grew into, and then his. mom. came back. Don't get me wrong, I love Krolia (big fan of women), but all of Keith's angst being cured by spending a few space whale years with his mom continues to completely disregard the bonds he made with his team. And Keith isn't the only one who suffers from this, everyone does.

I understand family is an important bond (despite the fact that I keep many of my personal family members at arms length, for reasons) but every character only got a "complete" arc or ending when they were reunited with their blood family, not the "found family" that the showrunners promised. Pidge's only arc was finding her family, sure there was the stuff about nature and coding being similar but that was for a single episode. Hunk only got development again post season 1 when it was about his family being enslaved. Lance only ever wanted to see his family again, and then he never got an arc past that except for his dead space girlfriend. Shiro never even got an explanation for his family past his totally-boyfriend Adam.

SPEAKING OF ADAM

I will say that I disagree with the fandom's opinion that the entire show queerbaited with Klance. I think you had to have Klance-sized glasses on to see that. The show truly did queerbait with Adam though, with promoting and hyping him up for season 7, only for him to barely get a minute of screen time. Actually such a waste of time, and such a waste of an interesting character. Voltron writers and showrunners when i GET YOU.

A final note I'll make because I'll never stop writing otherwise: there was some discussion about whether or not the show's failure was the writers, showrunners, or executives fault. I personally think it was the showrunners who were at fault here. She-Ra came out the same year VLD ended, and it soared in terms of worldbuilding, storytelling, and queer representation.

For She-Ra to come out around 2018, I imagine these shows started development around the same time (Did you ever realize VLD only had a 2 year run time? 75 episodes in 2 years? I did and it made me upset.) They were probably working with same executives, under the same people, same deadlines, etc. She-Ra succeeded (i think), and VLD fell apart and crashed at the end. Hell, in the final year it was airing they were STILL in the storyboard process. I think the showrunner's either majorly mishandled the production of this show, or they were given shit terms and didn't do anything to make something of it. Either way, Lauren Montgomery and Joaqium Dos Santos I will remember your names forever because of it

(On a serious note, I don't actually dislike or hate them. I'm just disappointed in what happened is all)

Anyways that barely like. scratches the surface of many more issues I have with the show, but those are some of the major problems I saw in it!

And for some more positive notes: I love the ost of the episode where Allura's AI-father dies, it still sticks with me even now. (i ugly sobbed at that episode I'm sensitive to parental death), and Keith is still my beloved meow meow, I love him so much I miss him. Steven Yuen the GOAT. I also loved the concept of these bio-mechanical lions, they could've gone a bit more cosmic horror eldritch with them, but it's still good regardless.

shoutout btw to my friends who sat in call with me as I typed this like a madman.

[comebackwhen]

While I don't have a lot of time to enjoy the fandom the way that I used to, I did finally manage to borrow a PS5 and a copy of Rebirth. Almost 94 hours later I have thoughts and no one to share them with because I'm the only idiot I know IRL who is this deeply invested in this franchise. I kept notes while I was playing and have a lot of thoughts.

I don't expect anyone to actually read any of this, but it'll be fun for me to come back to whenever the next part comes out. If you want to read the ramblings of a fan from the earliest days (For context, I borrowed my brother's copy right after he finished playing it when the game first came out in 97) feel free.

Since I managed to stay spoiler free until I played the game over the last two weeks, I'm still going to pop my thoughts under a break in case there are others out there waiting on a PC port. Beyond here nothing is safe, plot and character-wise.

Holy shit.

I feel like the last two weeks have been kind of a fever dream. It was simultaneously everything I wanted out of the game and also weirdly disappointing in a lot of places.

So, to kick it off, I wasn't mad about the way they were playing around with the whispers and the multiverse-esque concepts. A perfect shot for shot remake would be fine, but as someone who wrote a lot of fanfiction about the game, I can hardly fault the game's creators for wanting to get in on it. lol I would imagine that some of the new content falls into the - would have been in the OG if not for the limitations of the day - category anyway.

I also found it supremely funny that they included a vaguely malevolent entity that was obsessed with keeping the story "on track" and forcing the players to disagree with those entitles via the characters when a significant chunk of those players would be making that their chief complaint when they hit the end of the game. Call em on their bullshit FF7 devs!

As someone who has always been fascinated by Zack, even when he was practically nothing more than a few lines of dialogue and a missable cutscene in the Nibelheim basement, I can't tell you the joy I felt when I saw him live through the final fight. I was down for whatever they wanted to change at that point. I was even excited for it, I think. I find the idea of a time loop or multiverses crossing over kind of fascinating, so I was ready for whatever they wanted to do with it.

So now that you have context for where I stand on that particular side of the argument...

There was so much that rebirth did right. On the whole, I'm so, so impressed with what they did. The world feels so much bigger and some of the details are exquisite. Little things, like the way the news reports things in the background while they're happening and seeing the way Shinra would spin it. Hearing people talking about world events while you walk by - not to mention the sheer amount of people in the world. It really gives weight to some of the events in a way I had never been able to picture.

Though, whoever thought it was a good idea to put so much destroyable/movable clutter in the world was an idiot. JFC. I had to kick coral out of the way on the way to the altar in the Forgotten City and it genuinely annoyed the everloving hell out of me to be distracted by something so dumb in that moment.

I was worried about playing through the Nibelheim flashback for the Nth time but there were so many subtle things that made it interesting. Like, I didn't appreciate the way that Cloud's VA would be able to do that subtle impression of Zack in the way he delivered the lines. If you don't know what's happening there, you'd totally miss it but iykyk. I loved that. There were also subtle, heartbreaking things, like the kids playing Sephiroth when you walk through town. And I cackled when Tifa and Aeris outright call you an asshole for going through her drawers.

Honestly, the amount of casual swearing in this game gave me life. Which is hilarious, because I'm pretty sure Cid didn't curse once. I was really looking forward to hearing him tell us to sit down, shut up, and drink our $#%Y^ tea in full VA glory, so I'm a little sad that we didn't get that.

The choices between what was changed/how it was changed and what wasn't changed at all sometimes seemed a little weird to me. Like falling off the bridge into a river that being what swept the other trooper away, makes way more sense than falling into a ravine as far as why someone could survive it with scraped knees and someone else would end up in a coma. Removing the hidden bookshelf entrance into the Nibelheim labs? Lame. Chocobos at the ranch don't dance? Laaaaame.

I am glad that they finally called out how weird it was that Tifa never said anything about Cloud being there. It's like half the reason I always disliked her character so much. I even liked the conflict between them and the way that Sephiroth kind of turned it into an uno reverse situation. Cloud's eventual descent into madness near the end feels more earned because Sephiroth has been putting the pressure on the whole time.

Some thoughts about the world travels:

Fuck the Midgar Zolem. Nopenopenope.

I loved so many things in Junon. People in lower Junon protesting at the idea of the parade, awesome bit of world building. The weird ass bald bar with Rude? Chef's kiss. Cloud becoming the parade captain and having to go gather the squad. Loved it. He got so into it and you could see the hints of trooper Cloud under the fake Soldier persona he built. Lovely. The parade mini game was perfect. Even little things like the 1/35 soldier collectibles being used to plan the parade formations in the building where you usually grabbed them in the OG. It's the little details like that. I was super bummed that we weren't getting Red XIII in the trooper uniform until we did.

The Gold Saucer. THE GOLD SAUCER. I spent actual hours there. The only thing that would have made it better would have been a section in the Wonder Square where you could have played the OG versions of the mini games. Cait Sith's voice was giving Crowley high on laudanum and I wasn't mad about it.

I had a really funny moment when I got to Gongaga where I went, "Huh, she looks an awful lot like Cissnei..." and then she said she was Cissnei and I wasn't sure how to feel about it. Most of the Turks went into hiding, so yeah, okay sure. I just feel like there was a missed opportunity for her to call herself something else and it to be a subtle nod to the fact that Cissnei's probably not her name either. I just can't believe she didn't say anything to Cloud or Aeris (you'll pry that spelling out of my cold dead hands) about Zack.

Cid's early entrance into the game was also a little confusing. Like, he was still working for Shinra at that point in the OG. The only reason I was mad about it was that it meant we probably weren't getting Rocket Town. To be fair, I had to start speed running the plot by that point because I only had the the PS5 for two weeks, so I pretty much skipped exploring the Nibel region entirely. Could Rocket Town be there, sure. I won't know until the PC port comes out. lol I'm intrigued by the idea that Cid knew Ifalna. Was he the one who let them out? Again, not an idea I ever considered, but I wouldn't be mad about it.

Going to Cosmo Canyon was the moment I realized this game was not made for anyone remotely neurospicy. I started calling Rebirth "ooh, a squirrel!" the game at that point. I was so excited to go to Cosmo Canyon. Like it was one of the parts I was most excited to see in modern graphics. I immediately got sidetracked by the chocobos, the reagent collection stuff, the screaming owls, the towers, the Chadley bullshit in general.

That was probably one of my biggest complaints, honestly. Trust me to want to go over every inch of the map on my own. I don't need this weird AI kid to give me quests to make me do that. If anything, I actively started avoiding areas because I could see a cluster of his nonsense which meant traveling through that patch of map would be a pain in my ass. I didn't mind him or the concept as a whole, I just needed like 60% less of it, at least.

That being said, I loved the look of Cosmo Canyon, but I was confused by the vibe there. I feel like if that many people believed in Planetology, Shinra could never have gotten away with the bullshit it did. Even in all the towns, there's a dude in robes preaching Planetology. People are talking about the Lifestream and the Planet as a sentient being CONSTANTLY. There needed to be more, "don't believe that hippie, religious nonsense" people to balance that out. Or people saying, mako's absolutely a renewable resource, even if you believe that Planetology stuff. People on the whole would be destructive for the sake of comfort, but there was this weird disconnect there.

Since they were going with this, Planetology is more popular route, I do appreciate the fact that the people who believe in it at the Canyon are kind of pretentious about it. Tifa literally got eaten by a weapon, the group - including Nanaki who is one of them - have seen a number of wild, inexplicable things in the last couple weeks. Probably mako poisioning and group hallucinations. You should get checked out and how dare you question me! Oh you're a Cetra? Here, light the pretty lights at the festival then.

Since we're talking about Cosmo Canyon, the bit about Red's voice cracked me up. I was not prepared for the tiny babby puppy voice he started using in the back half of the game. I definitely missed his grownup voice the rest of the game though.

The GI cave part was well done. I'm sort of intrigued by the idea of the GI creating the black materia. I just wish they would have explained where the GI came from then, since they weren't born of the Planet. Materia is supposed to be the condensed knowledge of the Planet, so how did they make their own? I love the idea that the black materia was supposed to just be a way for them to take themselves out of the world and it ended up being so powerful it could destroy the entire world instead.

Also, the Cetra were just out there fighting everyone, the GI, the humans, Jenova. I really liked the way that GI Nattak called out that she's only Cetra by bloodline because the actual Cetra were kind of assholes. It's an angle I never considered and I'm kind of here for it.

I don't know how to feel about them turning Nibelheim into a mako poisoning treatment center. I think I preferred the Shinra coverup. It makes them much more sinister. It also made more sense when the replacement townspeople were rude to Cloud and Tifa. They have to stay in character because that's their job. Hell no you two didn't live here. Get lost. Now, everyone's just uncomfortable because two people who used to live there are in their midst. It was weird.

Also Cloud remembered Zack way the fuck early for no good reason. He doesn't talk to Aeris about it. Tifa tries to get him to cover it up. Why though? It makes way more sense for him to get flashes but nothing concrete if you want to foreshadow but you're not going to do anything interesting with it.

I have mixed emotions about what they did to Vincent. It's weird that he stayed at the mansion of his own volition as "security" considering what Hojo and Lucrecia did to him. Why tf was he sleeping in a coffin then? It made way more sense for him to be locked away and willing to join up with the party so he could take a piece out of Hojo. Now, he's claiming to have unfinished business with Sephiroth instead but also refuses to go anywhere near him? Also, I can't not hear Matt Mercer's voice when he talks so that was super distracting. lol Galian Beast was incredible. I'm just pissed I didn't get to use him as a limit break.

This was the point that I realized I had to start skipping exploration/side quests if I wanted to get to the ending before I lost access to the game and system. If I don't mention something and it's not required to beat the game, assume I didn't get to see it and will have to wait until the PC port comes out and I can take the whole game completely apart.

I got the Aeris Gold Saucer date. 10/10. I just wish they had got a vocalist that sounded more like Aeris's regular VA, but the play was a fun little minigame. I was confused by why they were all wearing VR headsets while sitting in a theater and if everyone saw themselves as the hero and people in their party as Rosa, the enemies, etc, but I mostly just turned my brain off and enjoyed the ride. The ferris wheel date was the perfect update to the dialogue while still keeping the vibe. Loved it.

The Temple of the Ancients was both better than I could have hoped for and possibly the worst section to play through at the same time. I was really looking forward to a quirky puzzle solving section with a weird, reality warping backdrop. The temple itself was perfect. The way it built itself up when the keystone got inserted. The look of the labyrinth. All of it. Then, it turned into an action RPG enemy grind. It needed to be half the size it was if they were just going to cut all the cool parts out anyway.

The flashbacks to everyone's sad moments were cool, but I feel like they didn't actually do what they were supposed to for anyone but Aeris. Red ends his tied to the table by Hojo, Barret - Myrna's dead and his arm is gone. (Though it was cool to see what Myrna looks like!) Tifa's dad's dead. Yuffie's confronted by Nero and mocked for leaving Sonon behind. If the Temple was trying to tell them that anger and grief can only take you so far as a warrior, they should probably all ended with some sliver of hope, like Elmyra helping to take care of her. Barret finding Marlene for example, would have been great.

I like the way they handled Cait Sith here much better than the OG. Him physically holding up the temple so it wouldn't collapse was a nice touch. He seemed genuinely remorseful about what he did and the surprise, here's Cait #2 moment seemed far less out of the blue and wrong toned because everyone was still conflicted about how to feel about him.

Cloud creeped me the hell out by the end and that was perfect. The way he chased Aeris for the black materia while saying creepy half-mind controlled stuff. I'm also not mad that they skipped him beating her up and replaced it with them both falling into the pit. It still gives a viable reason for why he's unconscious and gives her the space to run off to the sleeping forest.

I am a little sad that we lost out on his indecision about whether he's safe to go onward. The group dynamic when it comes to Cloud being weird is confusing. It seems like they all understand that degradation is a thing and there's a good chance it's happening to Cloud, but they also let him get away with shit that he really shouldn't be doing/saying if that is the case. He yeeted Tifa into a mako pit and she got eaten by a WEAPON. Did we address that, not really..? He's desperate to get to the black materia in a way that's making Yuffie looked restrained? That's fine. We don't need to tell him to go back and sit with Cid and Vincent. Just let him come along!

The ending leaves me feeling conflicted and brings me to my complaint about the remake itself. I feel like we were speedrunning the plot to ultimately get nowhere fast. Everyone knows the plot, so who cares if we bring Cid in early to cut some of the journey out. We're going to skip over Wutai for now by hinting at the side story we'll get to later. Vincent's backstory, who needs it? Any world exploration in relation to the keystone, nah, Cait just knows that. Let's put Rufus and Hojo at the temple with the Turks and steal some of the northern crater stuff and do that instead of the Temple of the Ancients puzzles. Bone City, Sleeping Forest, Forgotten City? Yeet.

For real though, the Forgotten City feels smaller than the OG version and that's a fucking crime.

I assumed that the climax would explain more about the alternate universes, why Zack survived, how the whispers work, etc. and that was the REAL story here, so sure, let's get to that.

Any time now.

I'll wait.

Wait, not like that! I didn't mean- and the game's over. Well fuck.

Seriously, that's how I felt about the ending. I was kind of holding off on the Zack side story so I could come at it all at once. I loved that Zack got into Midgar just to see that, without Cloud, the Avalanche stuff falls apart. There's a teeny plot hole in how Aeris would have ended up involved without Cloud buuuuut fate's gonna do its thing and I can suspension of disbelief that.

What I can't ignore is that we never find out who the missing Soldier with the Buster Sword was that was involved. The reports talk about a missing Soldier who Shinra's still searching for. Maybe they're just tacking that on because Zack survived his execution and they're trying to kill two birds with one stone, but then why aren't they looking for two Soldiers? Zack still clearly has Cloud. I have questions.

On that note, literally no one bats an eye at Zack and Cloud looking like they could 100% have been running from that fight. Kyrie would have absolutely have handed Cloud over to a Soldier/Trooper the second Zack was gone.

So great. Now we have Zack and Cloud at Elmyra's with Marlene and Aeris in a coma. Her materia's all clear. The world is ending. Spooky af. I'm fascinated. Biggs is the only one who survived the capture of Avalanche. he's super guilty. Love it. Wait, why's he talking about Cloud like he knows him and he was there at the bombings? Marlene too? Of course Aeris has a crush on Cloud, you're dead silly! It's probably best she never wakes up because then Sephiroth murders her.

Elmyra implying that it's okay if no one saves Barret and Tifa because the world is ended and they're all going to end up in the same place soon was fucking DARK. I was not prepared for that.

Then, Zack has a decision. Shinra HQ for a cure to Cloud's coma or rescuing Biggs from his own stupidity. He chooses a friendly chat with Hojo, rocks up to the building on a motorcycle and guns it into the building despite the troopers. Love it. Wait. Why's he talking to Biggs in the reactor? And Biggs is dead and Zack's facing down the army again. Did we just branch into a second alternate timeline where Zack both went to HQ and tried to save Biggs? Awesome. We're really leaning into the weirdness. Let's fucking go.

Aeris and Cloud wake up in their coma bodies. Okay, awesome. We're finally going to get an explanation. Is this some weird sort of afterlife where all the souls from the multiverse end up and drop their knowledge off before rebirth? Is Aeris going to take Rebirth!Cloud and bring him somewhere else because she's a Cetra and can do crazy shit like that?

Nope, we're going on another weird ass date.

This is when I realized that we've definitely got at least two "Zack lives" timelines. The Cloud and Aeris one seems like a spinoff of one of those too, since Cloud woke up in the wheelchair in Aeris's house. Then there's one where Zack is sitting on the church steps right before Sephiroth shows up. I can't tell if the dog Johnny's holding is the same one as the bag from the remake ending or not. You can keep track of which timeline you're in because of the Stamp used in that universe. What the fuck even is my life?

So assuming that "Johnny dog" Zack is the one who fights with Cloud, is he gone when he says goodbye at the end? Is he the one that wakes up in the church? But the flowers in the church are okay when all the other Zack timelines aren't. Is this a fifth timeline?

I don't necessarily mind that they didn't tie it all up in a bow because this isn't the end, but I have so many frustrating questions.

Lastly, let's get to Schrodinger's flower girl. If she's really dead, I feel robbed. If they were actually going to kill her off, I wanted to be fucked up emotionally in 4k. I wanted everyone saying goodbye on the altar. I wanted the water burial. All of it in high def so I could sob my heart out like a teenage girl.

I'm intrigued by the overlay of Aeris bleeding and not. Her holding Cloud's face and it looking like he's holding her hand up because she's already dead. Cloud giving the OG speech with no words and just crying and ignoring Sephiroth entirely. Are we seeing multiple worlds converging and only Cloud can tell because he was dragged into that alternate world with her? Is Cloud's mind cracked beyond all telling and this is just Jenova/Sephiroth coming to him wearing the face of someone he loves and trusts?

I'm still annoyed that they seemed to scoot on by the most pivotal part of the OG, but I will forgive them if it turns out that Cloud's crazy and we get to see it all properly in Part Three. Or if they come up with an equally suitable twist involving multiversal travel where she really is both alive and dead in any given universe.

I'll be excited when the PC port comes out so I can really take the game apart and find out what makes it tick. I'm sure I only barely scratched the surface, considering how much side content I had to skip. I think a lot of this could benefit from a second playthrough, even if I had 100% it.

If you're still here, I'm confused but hope you enjoyed my ramblings. Night all.