#wasnt saying i wished i was never born at age 8 and

[danandfuckingjonlmao]

whenever dan and phil say words i remember misha collins coming out as straight and think, maybe if we’re really good, that could be dnp too 🙏

[ashleyetc]

i said i wasnt gonna rant about how fucking bad Eternals was but ive decided that i can bitch about this particularly bad mcu movie as a treat. this is long, but the movie is the better part of three hours so

okay so first of all, it starts off like, dumb. it starts off with a fucking opening crawl like its star wars with an explanation of how the eternals exist to fight for intelligent life blah blah blah but as someone over the age of 8 its immediately really apparent that this is gonna be bullshit and theyll have been unknowingly evil the whole time. like its set up so weakly and impotently that like at best it reads as an early draft.

in our first scene of the eternals fighting the deviants (this movie's cgi monsters, which i will say are at least more visually engaging than a lot of comparable ones. whoever animated them really wished they got to work on Annihilation and it shows in a good way) i immediately clocked that 'hey chiseled jaw white dude who can fly and shoot eye lasers looks pretty fucking sinister huh. oh god please dont' (spoilers, they very much do).

then it really starts with us seeing protag in the modern day. nothing about this section is interesting. i think we're supposed to find her and kit harrington cute as a couple, and i dont object to them, but hes never significant in this and spoilers for one of the aftercredits scenes literally only features so prominently because hes setup to be in Blade. there are much larger issues with this shitshow but thats a peak mcu problem right there

so then we get to the first fight scene in the modern day and i am immediately confused because for some completely unfathomable reason the black point is set absurdly wrong so fight scenes, at night, poorly lit, with a mostly black cgi monster, are completely illegible. this will continue to be the case throughout every scene not in daylight and it will never get better or make any more sense.

now predictably, we soon find out that oh no, the eternals have been working in service of the baddies the whole time, who want to cultivate intelligent life to hatch their kids. said bad guys, the celestials, are also like, gods effectively, in that they create and maintain the universe. we have no info on this outside of what one of them tells our protag tho so like weird dynamic. but anyways. for some reason half the eternals are like 'well yeah alright lets let it happen' and keep going back and forth on that which if this movie were written by someone who even pretended to give a shit could be an interesting concept.

moving on we continue to get the band back together and run into druig. now in a flashback we see that he led to them scattering across the planet when he went 'hey maybe we should stop genocide sometimes' and this started a big fight. so naturally, youre thinking ah yes this must be a more likeable member of the team. and thats a reasonable assumption! an understandable thing to think, really. except his powers are literally mass mind control of humans and while in earlier flashbacks he just uses these to like, stop fights and get ppl to chill out, when we see him in the modern day hes like, possessing an entire village in south america for his own little paradise? which is an absolutely deranged choice to make for a character we i think are at least not supposed to despise. like holy shit guys, you sure did that and have decided hes not the villain for it.

at some point we flash back to their original leader ajak deciding to actually stop the celestial from being born and killing earth, not because she thinks genocide in general is wrong- she is the one whose known the whole time this is what theyre doing- but because well it was earth ppl who beat thanos so i guess they should get a pass. like she is explicitly 'well these ones are good tho. no regrets on the other planets we've done this to that only i remember tho.' at this point she is killed by icarus, the chiseled jaw flying wite dude with superstrength and eye lasers. yup! its a But What If Superman Bad story now! we even have a scene where a child explicitly calls him fucking superman!!the hack writing here knows no fucking bounds.

did i mention sprite? the one who despite the fact theyre immortal (robots, we find out sometime in all this) is a 13 ish year old girl visually? when icarus decides to betray everyone and try to make sure they cant stop the celestial birth she joins him because she apperntly has always been in unrequited love with him. now this goes nowhere and serves no purpose other than to make me deeply fucking uncomfortable, but at least sprite is a user of illusion magic who literally stabs our protag in the back during the final fight. its discount loki!

oh also hephastus's whole deal is hes like, an artificer and has pushed human tech along and theres a fucking scene that blows my goddamn mind. where we see ajak comforting him as he weeps in the fresh destruction of hiroshima. where hes like 'oh god i did this humanity is awful and not worth saving blah blah blah' and its like. okay. this character, i cannot stress enough, is black. presumably, if he was instrumental in the atom bomb, was living in america. as a black guy. in the 1940s. and hes only just now starting to doubt humanity is all great and good? tell me the writers room wasnt as diverse as the cast without telling me the writers room wasnt as diverse as the cast. like in a good movie exploring these immortals who have lived alongside humanity for all of history debating whether humanity deserves to live, youd think the black one might have an interesting perspective or something to say about race. this aint that movie tho.

the climactic fight scene ends with such an impotent fart of a climax that i genuinely feel like i missed something. throughout the whole thing theres mentions of how sersi and icarus were in love for thousands of years, icarus only leaving her when he found out the truth of their mission and couldnt bear to be around her and not tell her. and in their final fight, he looks into her eyes, we see a flashback to an earlier scene of them getting married in like 200 ad or w/e, and he silently decides to fly into the sun killing himself (presumably).

this movie is 2 hours and 45 minutes.

i expect bad mcu movies. i expect dull, i expect propagandic, i expect humorless quips and half baked characters. i dont expect something so unpleasant and offensive to anyone who wants to actually think about anything happening on screen that it feels designed to be frustrating. the worst mcu movie previously in my opinion was thor 2, but its biggest sin was being painfully dull. this is worse. its painfully engrossing. i often enjoy watching movies i think are bad or whose ideas i disagree with, but this refused to even have ideas, really- it constantly threatened to but they never really showed up, at least not without being immediately contradicted. genuinely this is worse than Suicide Squad (2016). i would rather rewatch the snyder cut.

one of the worst things about it is how clearly it was calculated in some boardroom, that if we had a diverse cast we didnt need a good movie. like sure, we have plently of racial diversity, we have a mute character (genuinely unclear based on a particular scene whether shes deaf or not but she speaks via sign), we have a gay man raising a kid with his husband, etc. guess we dont need anything else. guess thats definitely the only thing that matters. and i know some incredibly stupid people will agree with that. you google it and get articles about how its doing so much good for representation and like. im reminded of when tumblr was like 'you gotta watch black lightning there are black lesbians' and nobody bothered to mention that the show fucking sucked (to be fair i think it was a cw show so thats on me for not assuming but).

anyways harry styles has a cameo in one of the post credits scenes. its charmless. 1/10 movie, both in general and for the mcu.

[clevercorvidae]

BNHA Common Misconceptions

I’ve been seeing wayyy too much bs on my dash lately. So I thought I’d share some of my thoughts on some Controversy™

***Spoilers For The Manga***

1. “What the HPSC did to Hawks wasn’t bad”

A government organization putting a young child through rigorous training so that he can be used as a tool is bad. I don’t know why I have to spell that out

Hawks had to abandon his real name at a very young age. That’s damaging for a kid’s sense of identity. His identity as a person no longer has any separation from his work as a hero. Being a hero is all he is now. I wouldn’t be surprised if (provided Hawks’s wings are gone for good) he has an identity crisis after this arc because he can’t be “Hawks” anymore.

Hawks is based on Lionel Messi, a soccer player recruited at a young age in return for paying for his medical procedures. I’ve seen people say that Hawks chose to be a hero. One, he was a child, young children shouldn’t be making decisions like that. Two, we know based on context clues that Keigo was more than likely living in poverty, possibly with alcoholic parents, and we literally are told that the HPSC payed for his family’s living expenses. Do you really think Keigo had much of a choice here?

I’ve seen people say “it’s just like what UA is doing”. First of all, UA is called out for being irresponsible and endangering their students IN UNIVERSE. Second, Keigo was a young child, the UA kids are 15+. There’s a huge difference.

2. “Mitsuki isn’t abusive”

Honestly when it comes to her smacking Katsuki, I could excuse it as a joke done in poor taste and not hold it over her as a character.

Hitting him WASNT just discipline tho. You should never, ever, under any circumstances hit your kid. Fuck that noise.

What I really have an issue with is what she SAYS to Katsuki. Her guilt tripping him isn’t a throwaway line either. He repeats the sentiment that he is responsible for Kamino during Deku v Kacchan 2. It’s one of the main reasons he fights Deku.

Horikoshi says that Katsuki has a good relationship with his mother. In that case, he did a horrible job at presenting that. What is written in the canon is what should be used as the basis for how we interpret her character.

3. “Shigaraki chose to kill his family/was born evil”

No...just...no. He was FIVE for crying out loud.

He wanted to be a hero, and took extra care to play with kids that had no friends. He definitely wasn’t born evil lmao.

His quirk manifested while he was having an emotional crisis. Decay is controlled by emotion so of course it went haywire.

He didn’t even know it was him doing it at first.

“But Shigaraki said he WANTED it to happen” Shigaraki is an unreliable narrator. What we actually SEE tells a very different story. He reaches out to Hana and his Mother for help. His grandparents are just caught in the shockwave. The ONLY person he killed on purpose was his father.

Now when it comes to his father, he had just beat him and locked him outside. He’s FIVE, and he has no healthy outlet for his anger and frustration. Hell, we see that in his “itchiness”, he only feels like this in the house, because his father makes him suppress his love for heroes and his dream to become one. He takes joy in killing his father because it’s the only release he’s ever experienced.

The fact that you guys forget that this is an abused child with no real control over his quirk that just got beaten and locked outside... Nope, no reading comprehension here.

4. “The League of Villains are justified/are a revolutionary group”

...Shigaraki has stated over and over again that he just wants to destroy everything. He doesn’t care about reform or improving anything. That one panel in Ch. 222, where he says he wants to destroy everything I think sums it up perfectly.

He wants to destroy EVERYTHING good or bad or neither or both. There’s a newborn baby, a field of flowers , Nine, various heroes, the UA kids, etc all varying in innocence.

The rest of the league have very different goals and reasons why they continue to support Shigaraki. Twice wants to protect the only people that accepted him. Spinner just wants to have purpose for his life. Toga wants to live the way she wishes with no consequences. Compress is also here.

The only “revolutionary” is Dabi. But his views are not universal throughout the league.

Even if they were trying to improve things. They have killed countless innocent people, they’ve tried to kill the UA kids too. That’s not ok. And it’s not erased by the fact that they’ve done good. (I do appreciate them for killing the MHA version of the KKK, truly epic of you)

5. “Hawks is abusive”

It’s not abuse to manipulate someone for info when you’re a double agent. It’s kinda shitty, and you could argue that it was unnecessary for Hawks to do so in context. But it’s not abuse.

Y’all need to stop using the word abuse/abusive tendencies to describe all immoral actions

I’ve also seen people say that Hawks has abusive tendencies (as in he’s abusive in all his relationships with other characters) and...do I really need to explain why that makes no sense at all?

6. “Twice deserved to die/it was necessary to kill him”

Feel like I need to remind people that we’ve only ever actually seen Twice kill one guy and that was one of the KKK guys.

Twice isn’t evil, even Hawks admits that he is a genuinely good person. Good people don’t deserve to die.

It wasn’t necessary, and here’s why: Hawks could’ve just knocked him out or even just severely injured him. (Or the HPSC could’ve just grown a brain cell and sent more people to back him up, making it easier to hold back his quirk and arrest him)

Hawks shouldn’t have killed Twice, he only killed him because he’s been raised as a child soldier and I wouldn’t be surprised if what he told Twice about taking out villains was a direct quote from the HPSC

Also, Hawks would’ve killed Twice with or without Dabi’s intervention

Something I do have to say though is that Hawks was right not to just let Twice go. It’s tragic because Twice WAS leaving to help his friends, but the other side of that tragedy it that his friends are terrorists. If he was allowed to leave a shit ton of people would have died (again that doesn’t mean he deserved to die either, don’t get it twisted)

The WHOLE POINT of Hawks v Twice is to make you question who the bad guy is. Both characters are morally gray and the only reason they even have to fight is because of the outside forces controlling their fates. It’s supposed to be tragic it’s supposed to be unclear who is in the right, so stop arguing about it.

7. “Bakugou is abusive/irredeemable” (I know it’s been talked to death but I still see it everywhere)

People are, in fact, allowed to grow past the person they were in middle school.

Most people get hung up on the “throw yourself off a building” line. Which is fair, but again, he was in middle school.

People also say “he hasn’t apologized yet”. Yeah? And? The story isn’t over yet. Horikoshi has already acknowledged that too. I don’t know what you want? People who like him know that his arc isn’t over yet.

I’ve seen a lot of people denying his character development. In the beginning of the series he was a bully and let his ego control him. I don’t think he’s bullied...anyone since Deku v Kacchan 2. He insults people but they obviously don’t take it seriously.

He’s also gone from preferring to fail a final exam to avoid working with Deku, to following him into battle against Shigaraki.

Also, when he actually likes and respects someone he doesn’t mistreat them. This is the same thing with Hawks where y’all NEED to stop misusing the word abuse. He was an abusive friend to Deku when they were kids, that’s it.

8. “Rei was abusive too!”

I’m BEGGING YOU to learn what the term “abuse” means istg

She had a psychotic break. She genuinely thought it was her abusive husband coming through the door, and she acted out of fear.

“Well that’s not an excuse” yes it fucking is. Not to mention that as soon as she realized what happened, she sobs hysterically because she hurt Shouto and tries to use her quirk to help him.

I genuinely don’t understand why people think this

9. “Dabi actually does care about the league”

Listen, I know it sounds harsh, but y’all need to get your heads out of your piles of headcanons.

We know next to nothing about how Dabi feels about just about anything. But we do see that he’s aloof and distant with the league, he doesn’t put in more than he needs to. The rest of the league think of each other as family. Dabi straight up says he doesn’t give a shit about them.

“What if he was just putting up a front for Hawks” Why? Why would he do that? When asked who he was he answered him. He tells him how he feels about hero society and Stain. Not to mention that he was getting ready to kill him. If he was hiding his true feelings about the league I doubt he would’ve so easily said that he didn’t care about them but rather how useful they were.

At this point it’s just wishful thinking. Based on everything we’ve seen in the series so far and everything we know about Dabi, I think it’s safe to say that he doesn’t care about them all that much. If he secretly does care about them, I’d say it’s likely that he doesn’t even know he does.

Idk why all of a sudden villain stans and hero stans are feuding over things that shouldn’t even be up for debate in the first place. Sorry if this came off as super aggressive, I’m just sick of seeing this stuff all over the place. If anyone has anything to add go ahead

[rockets-and-raccoons]

My mum knew when I was really young that I wasnt straight. Not that she consciously recognised it. I was the child she constantly told that love was love. I could love whoever I wanted and that was okay. I was the child that was constantly told by my parents that gays deserved rights and that they would always love me no matter what. I was the child they excitedly told when gay marriage finally became legal.

I grew up repressed with severe internalized homophobia issues. To the point where to this day I still severely struggle with it.

My grandad doesnt believe in gay rights. He thinks it's a phase. That these people are ill. The village I grew up in was very Christian. Being gay was wrong. It was disgusting. Gay people needed serious mental help (ironically half the people my age that grew up there have turned out to be part of the lgbtq+ community).

I went to high school in the neighbouring city. Where everyone around me talked about how disgusting being gay is. The fear of a gay person in the changing rooms was talking about constantly. Gay adoption and marriage was considered wrong. Liking people of the same sex was considered disgusting and uncomfortable.

I was terrified everytime I had to get changed for pe. I was terrified to just look at other girls. And it didnt help that the majority of my friends were boys. I didnt spend much time with girls. The one girl I was good friends with- was suddenly the source of rumours. Everyone at school knew before I did. Talked about if before I accepted it.

She's gay.

I denied it. I didn't believe I was for a second. Did everything I possibly could to prove I wasn't. And yet for my last 2 years at school everyone made jokes about my sexuality. Told me I was gay and in love with my friend. (Maybe I was. Maybe I wasn't. I refused to process my emotions properly back then.) They joked about how I was only straight until I was horny. That I was so obviously gay. But it was a joke. A mocking thing that made me feel so horrific that I did awful, horrific things to prove everyone wrong. Things I have to live with, that i hate myself for. Just becaus every time someone suggested I might be gay, all I could think of was 'it's so wrong.' 'Its disgusting' 'its cruel to children to be raised by gay parents' '1 in 5 people are gay, I sure as hell hope it's never going to be me' 'nobody wants to be gay, it's an illness.' 'I cant be around gay people, they make me uncomfortable' 'they'll stare at you in the changing rooms' 'they'll force themselves on you'

I still cant share a bed with another girl without being terrified. I cant be in the same room as another woman getting changed - I havent had to deal with PE in a decade. Havent heard those whispers in a decade.

Every time I become friends with another girl I'm terrified of what will happen when they find out I'm gay. I can't connect with them properly.

And sometimes. Sometimes I just truly hate myself. I hate the fact I find women attractive. That I'd rather spend the rest of my life with a woman rather than a man. Sometimes, often, I still find that disgust curling up in my stomach.

It doesnt matter that I dont live there anymore. That I now live somewhere so open and so easy to accept everyone and anyone. It doesnt matter that I've admitted it to myself, my family, and my friends. That I tell people so easily, I'm gay.

I'm still terrified of what would happen if people from my home found out. I still hear their conversations. Their mocking words. I still feel the effects of their homophobia. And sometimes I still wish I could pretend I was straight.

I was lucky to be born into such an open and accepting family. But by god, I wish I'd been brought up where I live now. I wish I didnt lie in bed hating myself so much at times. I wish I could be at peace with who I am. Rather than wishing I could go back in time and somehow change myself.

I remember telling my mum I was gay, and her not understanding why I was so distraught. Because 'you should know by now I love you no matter what' - and I didnt know how to tell her society, my friends, our community, were all going to despise me. Hate me. Tell me I told you so. I told my dad minutes after he said he wished his daughters were gay bc he hated dealing with the heterosexual drama and boyfriends. He couldn't understand why I was crying, because he wanted gay children. He had told me my whole life he would always love me no matter what. I was free to love whoever I wanted. And I didnt know how to tell him the world made me feel like I was disgusting and wrong and my existence was even worse than that of rapists.

And my grandpa, who I dont get on with, who doesnt really like me, who I was sure hated the gay community (and he has since admitted that if it was years prior he would have disowned me over sexuality) emailed me to tell me he was proud of me, that being gay wasnt wrong and he had been wrong about how he felt about the lgbtq+ community.

My grandad still thinks I'm going through a phase.

My best friend came out to me in tears, telling me he wished he had known we were both struggling, so we could have at least had each other.

When I finally told my other friends. There was no 'I told you so's' suddenly talking about sexuality wasnt a thing. It was a taboo topic nobody wanted to deal with. The girl everyone joked I was in love with, slowly disappeared from my life.

It's funny until it's true. And that's when you really realise the jokes were really, truly jokes. They didnt believe what they were saying. They just enjoyed the rise they got out of you.

And when I think about being a teenager. Despite the fact its ten years long. The only thing I can truly remember is the internal and external homophobia. Everything else feels hazy. The good times. The bad. It's all a fog that's over-taken by the self-loathing that I still carry.

I wish I could tell my teenage self that it gets better.

I wish my parents would believe me when I tell them I dont blame them for living where they did. We couldn't afford to move. They loved me, they love me, and that's what matters.

I wish I hadnt spent so long chanting 'I'm not gay' before bed. Because I knew from the age of 13, and spent the rest of my teen years in denial. Telling myself I was wrong.

But then I see my sister. My sister who is 10 years younger than me. Who had a big sister come out when she was just 8 years old (I came out at 18, yet spent a further 2 years trying to prove I wasnt. I came out too early. But I figured myself out. Accepted myself more, with the help of my family, and my best friend). She has grown up with more progressive media. Has moved to a more progressive place. Hell, her school has an lgbtq+ club. She has one (1) straight friend. She came out as bisexual at 12. But the older shes getting she thinks that her male crushes were caused by heteronormality and she thinks she might be gay. And shes open. Shes proud. Shes unapologetic in who and what she is.

I think about my self hatred. My self-loathing. About my internalised homophobia. I think of every night I spent lying in bed thinking 'One in five people is gay, it's not me. It won't be me. I'm not gay.' And I look at my little, wonderfully, unapologetically herself, little sister. And I think, that every struggle I've ever been through is worth it. If she gets to feel proud of herself because I've come out. Because my parents had to move bc of me. Because I've done everything I can to support her. To love her. To pretend to love myself for who I am in front of her.

Every day I struggle, I think to myself she doesnt have to. I'm one of the last millennials. She's gen z. And shes not my kid. But theres such a large age gap that I feel that generational difference. And I can't have children of my own. And suddenly, I find myself understand what my parents mean when they say that their suffering was worth it whenever they see us gain something out of it. Making things easier for someone you love, for someone so young, it makes it almost feel like it was worth it.

That trauma is going to stay with me. But my coming out too early, is what had my sister questioning her own sexuality. And it happened early enough in her life. She was questioning it before she hit her teens. She told me she knew she liked girls before she hit ten. But she wasnt too sure what that meant. And she wa worried because biphobia in our family is bad. But the we moved away. And she was watching adventure time and steven universe. And I was suddenly openly accepting myself and flirting with girls. And making jokes about my sexuality. And she came out. So young. So proud. And my parents were accepting of her bisexuality (albeit worried about how the rest of the family would react). And I did what I could to support her. Buying badges and flags and taking her to pride. And now shes come out as fully gay and I'm so happy and hoe safe she felt her journey has been. That at 15 she isnt scared to tell her friends (and they're not afraid to tell her). At 15 she might actually have a girlfriend. And shes been to pride. Goes to pride.

And I am so, so proud of her.

I would love to go back in time and tell myself that it's okay to accept who I am. But I cant.

But my sister grew up knowing it was okay to accept who she was. And my coming out helped my best friend accept who he was.

I didnt have any lgbtq+ friends growing up (that I knew about). There were no clubs. No tv shows. My only support was my mum and my dad.

My sister has a club. She has our family. Her friends. Her school (no awful changing room comments. No snide remarks) She has an open and accepting community. I feel so relieved that she'll (hopefully, pls universe, be kind to her) never have the same experiences I did.

[leamen]

THE FOLLOWING IS UNEDITED, NOT BECAUSE IM LAZY, BUT FOR ARTISTIC EFFECT

hullo

*wave*

do u

[8:31 PM]have a backstory

[8:31 PM]to tell

what

[8:31 PM]wdym

[8:32 PM]like my life story

ya

i mean yeah

[8:32 PM]it's very long

i have time

[8:32 PM]i’m sitting in the shower

why are you sitting in the shower you're going to waste all the hot water!!

tru

[8:33 PM]but i have some emotions i need to meditate on

[8:34 PM]tell me a story. if not ur whole life story, maybe something interesting from it

alright hmm

[8:34 PM]well i guess i'll just tell the whole thing

[8:35 PM]you can tell me to stop at any point

[8:35 PM]well i was born with my mom and my dad

[8:35 PM]they got divorced when i was 2 or 3 or something'

[8:35 PM]after that i lived with my mom and my grandparents

[8:36 PM]and my mom was constantly very sick

[8:36 PM]she used drugs a lot and therefore had a lot of health problems

[8:36 PM]and was constantly in and out of hospital

[8:36 PM]most of my memories of my mom were in the hospital

[8:36 PM]as a kid i was very creative

[8:36 PM]i was fairly poor so i had to  be imaginative with my recorses

[8:36 PM]i played outside a lot and in the dirt and bugs

[8:37 PM]and then when i was 8 years old my mom died cuz she like

[8:37 PM]did too many drugs and had a stroke

[8:37 PM]and then lost 4 years of her memory and died

[8:37 PM]and after that i  was pretty sad then i moved in with my dad

[8:38 PM]i saw my dad 1-2 times a month before i moved in with him so me and him werent all too close

[8:38 PM]he had a new wife my stepmom and a new baby stepbrothr

[8:38 PM]i hate pity and i hate sounding like im seeking attention becasuse i hate people who do that who go and cry about their life story because they dont want to work on their trauma they just let it

[8:38 PM]consume them

[8:39 PM]and i hate the term abuse because its so miscommonly assigned

[8:39 PM]but my dad was a fairly bad alcoholic

[8:39 PM]when i first moved in with him from like

[8:39 PM]age 8-11/12

[8:39 PM]he used to be really angry which i understand

[8:40 PM]he  had a lot of personal things going on in his life and was dealing with untreated ptsd

[8:40 PM]from military

[8:40 PM]he used to hit me a lot and throw me or whatever leaving visible bruises but it didnt and still doesnt bother me all too much

[8:41 PM]after that he became much more uh idk like he stopped hurting me physically and would say some pretty bad stuff to me

[8:42 PM]around age 11 i started feeling really bad about myself and i thought it was my fault so i always blamed myself and commonly thought well maybe if i was a better kid this wouldnt happen to  me

[8:42 PM]at age 12 i attempted suicide got sent to hospital then mental hospital for a while

[8:42 PM]when i came back he told me he wish it wouldve worked

[8:42 PM]and then kicked me out of my house

[8:42 PM]and then cps got involved

[8:42 PM]and my grandparents adopted me

[8:43 PM]when i first moved in with them i was really  idk still processing all the stuff that happened

[8:43 PM]but ive came to acceptance and i realize why he did it

[8:44 PM]i cant change the past i can only learn and observe and change my future actions and stuff like that

[8:44 PM]i never think about it much in a negative way, in a way it taught me a lot and theres no point of obsessing over something you cant change

[8:44 PM]ive accepted the fact and i appreciate how much ive learned and now i live a pretty good life

[8:45 PM]thats about all with left-out details that arent that importat

[8:45 PM]sorry if it was a lot but

[8:45 PM]¯\_(ツ)_/¯

give me a few minutes to process everything

alright

i’m rly grateful for what u said

thank you

[8:46 PM]oh i mean another thing i forgot to say about my dad

[8:46 PM]he was very neglective

[8:46 PM]would neglect my needs often and i wasnt allowed to do anything

[8:46 PM]i wasnt allowed to go out with friedns not even outside on my porch]

[8:47 PM]wasnt allowed to eat food without asking and when i asked often the answer was no

[8:47 PM]but it taught me to be grateful for the things i do have access to now

[8:47 PM]and the things and responsibilities im allowed to have

what’s ur name

alyssa

[9:02 PM]what about you

leamen

nice to meet you

ty u too

i couldn't complete school because i spent so much time in psychiatric hospitals like for months on end so i missed a lot of school because of that, i'm supposed to be a junior but i can't finish even if i tried as hard as i could so

[9:04 PM]i'm getting my ged

do u plan on going to college

not exactly sure yet, maybe depending on what career path i go towards

[9:05 PM]i know i what to help people

[9:05 PM]that's my main goal

[9:05 PM]work with peopke

[9:06 PM]i want to work maybe with children in foster care

[9:06 PM]there's a few options but it all involves social work to a degreee

[9:06 PM]except maybe like kindergarten / 1st or 2nd grade teacher

[9:06 PM]that would be cool

[9:07 PM]but again not exactly sure at the moment

what was the most creative thing u did as a kid

[9:08 PM]do u still do anything creative now?

nothing like crazy accomplishments but when my mom was sick in the hospital i used to make her at least one hand drawn card a day that would say something like

[9:10 PM]i love you mom you're the best mom ever and i would draw things on it

[9:10 PM]and there was like

[9:10 PM]300 of them

[9:10 PM]or something like that

[9:10 PM]i loved drawing

[9:10 PM]and coloring

[9:10 PM]i was also creative minded

[9:10 PM]i loved playing and thinking

[9:10 PM]and i loved like making up scenarios in my head starting very young

[9:10 PM]was really imaginative

[9:11 PM]i loved dancing aswell

[9:11 PM]and singing

[9:11 PM]i would dance all the time even with no music

[9:11 PM]and then going into middle school

[9:11 PM]i drew a LOTTTTTTT

[9:11 PM]Like a lot a lot

[9:11 PM]i recently got back my sketchbooks just from

[9:11 PM]6th-7tb grade alone and

i counted and there was around 50 and a crate full of loose papers

[9:12 PM]and also they were pretty full

[9:13 PM]like most of the pages had at least one good drawing i really trisd on

[9:13 PM]it's cuz i couldn't do anything else

[9:13 PM]didnt have any nice toys or internet at all

[9:13 PM]wasn't allowed to watch movies or play games

[9:13 PM]so i just drew and listened to the radio until they took the radio away

[9:14 PM]i loved art so much

[9:14 PM]i'm still pretty creative but i wish i was as much as i was younger

[9:14 PM]i love to paint and i love music and i've tried a billion different hobbies

[9:14 PM]i hobby hop a lot

>”and i loved like making up scenarios in my head starting very young” what was ur most detailed scenario

when i was around like

[9:16 PM]i wanna say

[9:16 PM]6

[9:17 PM]i remember this one day in specific

[9:17 PM]i was at my other grandmas house

[9:17 PM]i had a favorite blanket it was my magic blanket and it would take me to all these cool places

[9:17 PM]i thought i had magic powers

[9:17 PM]i remember going to these lava filled volcano worlds

[9:17 PM]and riding on my blanket

[9:17 PM]but that day

[9:17 PM]i went downstairs

[9:17 PM]and she had a basement

[9:18 PM]and i pretended all my favorite characters inside my head were there

[9:18 PM]i had imaginary friends and i also picked up on like tv characters

[9:18 PM]and stuff like that

[9:19 PM]i was mopping the floor

[9:19 PM]for some reason

[9:19 PM]also i had a hot tub when i lived with my mom and grandparents

[9:19 PM]and i made all these special magical water powers

[9:19 PM]and i talked to the bugs and the trees

[9:19 PM]and played in the dirt

[9:19 PM]just shit like that

[9:19 PM]tons more

[9:20 PM]i pretended i was a pirate once and i was standing on my cats scratch pole thing

do u still sing

ehh not really

[9:53 PM]for fun maybe

[9:53 PM]i suck at singing tho

rly? send me something

nahh i don't have anything

[9:54 PM]i just sing in the shower and stuff

[9:54 PM]LOL

[9:55 PM]i'm not interested in doing any hobby to be good at it or to be successful in that hobby

[9:55 PM]i like expression and having fun

[9:55 PM]that's what's most important

i feel like sometimes i forget that

i do too often

[10:00 PM]and i beat myself up about

[10:00 PM]not being as good as others

[10:01 PM]but i try to keep a mindset that is just

[10:01 PM]do what you love and love what you do

[10:01 PM]because there will always be something you see that you will always compare it to like

[10:01 PM]this is so much better or i need to improve on this

[10:02 PM]but as long as it's expression and you're having fun it's so much more enjoyable and in my opinion is much better because it will have genuine meaning and genuine expression

just wondering

[10:24 PM]y did u trust me in telling me all this stuff

idk i'm an open book

[10:24 PM]you asked and i told

[10:25 PM]i have things and experiences and things like that that i feel like people could relate to

and can i give you a piece of advice

ya def

i see a lot of myself in you sometimes

[10:28 PM]i used to be very

[10:28 PM]interested by meaningful things

[10:28 PM]like a very

[10:28 PM]philosophical understanding

[10:28 PM]of life or people

[10:28 PM]i always looked for deeper meaning and important things

[10:28 PM]remember that life is just life, not complex nor simple

[10:28 PM]it's just life! and enjoy it

[10:29 PM]if it makes you happy to think deeply and ask people about what their life story is or just interesting stories and thoughts and ideas i mean go for it

[10:29 PM]but a lot of the time

[10:29 PM]it just adds complexity to things that don't need to be complex

[10:29 PM]take it easy

[10:29 PM]enjoy the little things without overthinking them

[10:30 PM]i hope that applied i could be wrong

[10:30 PM]i used to question everything but now instead of questioning i just experience

[10:30 PM]and let it happen

[10:31 PM]it might feel really cool and interesting that's how it did with me but after awhile it became kinda depressing realizing all that shit

[10:31 PM]reality is in your perspective

[10:31 PM]so anything you deem real is real

[10:32 PM]if i look at the world and i think about everything behind it and the people and the experiences it's going to seem very burdening and heavy and depressing

[10:33 PM]but if i see the world as just simply the world im living in and anything that comes my way just happens, it's a better perspective for me at least, maybe not to all

[10:33 PM]just something to think about:D have a nice day

i did not end up having a nice day

[i-lost-my-confidence]

I thought everything was fine but its not.

Tomorrow my family and i are going to vacation in turkey. Normally I love it there, but I cannot find the joy in going there anymore. And thats sad, becuse it is my home country (roots in turkey, born in germany). Turkey, like many other countries is sadly still a place that is not safe for LGBTQ+ people. If you want to live there, you will have to hide your true self, because if you wont there will be public humiliation, no rights, no one to fight for you and just an overall really unsafe environment. Normally, turkey is a country full with love. I feel very unsafe going there. I am a closeted lesbian because I cannot out myself. My parents, even though we live in germany (a rather "open" country) would abandone me and never talk to me again just becuse of the fact that I am not able to fall in love with the opposite gender. For them being gay is a sickness and a crime. When turkey let go of the contract which saved womens rights and LGBTQ+ peoples lives and my father agreed with that decicion I was shocked. How can you hate people who love "differently" as equal as mass murderers and pedophiles? That is not normal. I wish I could love turkey. Just becuse it is where my roots are. But it makes me sick thinking of the live I would be living there. As I said, I live in Germany. Germany is not as homophobic as turkey but the people arent angels here either. Even here I feel the need to hide myself and to surpress my feelings just to comfort everyone around me. I think I should be in therapy becuse my mental health wasnt good since I was 11/12 years old, which is also the age I "knew" I was a lesbian. I have no self-worth, self-confidence or so suvere body image issues. I have had a complicated relationship with food since middle school and the body image issues even started in elementary/primary school. I have thoughts about km on a regular basis and the fact that I never thought that I would past my 18th year says something about how bad my mental state is. I cannot trust my parents because I have major trust issues and anytime I tell someone anything about me I feel bad. I dont want to waste peoples time by talking about me. I dont have a best friend or good friends because of my mental health issues. I am so afraid and overwhelmed by social contact that I stay at home most of the time. School is so stressful becuse people are awful and judgemental. People turn on you and talk behind your back. And if you are a closeted gay who also has no friends and is overweight that might be a little too much. I am afraid to tell my parents about needing therapy because I dont want them to know why I need it.

So basically, I am a mess and I eill have severl mental breakdowns the next few weeks :)

(13/8/21)

[b0stonmanor]

since yall kept fuckin asking heres 1-155. Go ahead and see how fucking lame I actually am

1: Full name: Madison Lyn (I’m not putting my last name on the internet lmao)

2: Age:19

3: 3 Fears: heights, elevators, being alone for the rest of my life 

4: 3 things I love: cats, coffee, sleeping

5: 4 turns on: (I’m gonna make it nonsexual okay): body mods, humor, good vibes, nice laugh

6: 4 turns off: (gonna make these nonsexual too): rude, nasty, conceited, takes days to reply lmao

7: My best friend: girl: @bohoangel guy: @bostonnanner

8: Sexual orientation: pansexual

9: My best first date: haven’t had a best one yet, need someone to change that lmao

10: How tall am I: 5′8

11: What do I miss: lots of things and people both too many too name

12: What time was I born: 2:06am

13: Favourite color: blue

14: Do I have a crush: still crushin on my last man

15: Favourite quote: either some vine or “I’m here for a good time not a long time” I have way too many favs

16: Favourite place: my room, best friends house, or beach house

17: Favourite food: buffalo chicken or alfredo

18: Do I use sarcasm: of course not 

19: What am I listening to right now: music ;)

20: First thing I notice in new person: smile

21: Shoe size: no

22: Eye color: hazel

23: Hair color: naturally brunette currently red

24: Favourite style of clothing: gothic, pop punk or hippie/boho

25: Ever done a prank call?: I havent personally 

27: Meaning behind my URL: I needed to change my url of 8 years and I wanted something short and easy to remember but I also wanted it to be a band so it would fit my blog and surprisingly this one wasnt taken

28: Favourite movie: I have way too many 

29: Favourite song: again way too many

30: Favourite band: AGAIN way too many

31: How I feel right now: I feel fucking exhausted 

32: Someone I love: okay now Im sad 

33: My current relationship status: okay NOW Im crying but single

34: My relationship with my parents: welp my dads dead and my mom and I are okay

35: Favourite holiday: Halloween or Christmas

36: Tattoos and piercing I have: no tattoos yet and I have my nose pierced and first and second holes pierced on my ears

37: Tattoos and piercing I want: too many

38: The reason I joined Tumblr: I was 12 that should be enough

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?: No. In fact I could never hate him and I dont think I’ll love anyone like I did/do him.

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?: eh sometimes

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? last text over imessage yes

42: When did I last hold hands?: I have no idea

43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?: I dont do anything really so not too long

44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?: dont out me

45: Where am I right now?: my room

46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?: @bohoangel

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?: both

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?: mom

49: Am I excited for anything?: nah

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? @bostonnanner

51: How often do I wear a fake smile?: eh

52: When was the last time I hugged someone?: yesterday

53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?: I mean idc but it’d just be fucking weird cause they’re kissing in front of me 

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?: plenty of people lmao

55: What is something I disliked about today?: I’ll do yesterday since today hasnt really happened. But it was fathers day and my heart was hurting so bad cause I miss my dad more than anything and really wish he was still here

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?: my fuckin soulmate bitch

57: What do I think about most?: in all honesty, my ex

58: What’s my strangest talent?: I can do this smile thing that nobody else can do and it makes me look like a frog

59: Do I have any strange phobias?: probably

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?: in front

61: What was the last lie I told?: that I was a child of God

62: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?: video chatting but I dont mind either

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?: fuck yes and fuck yes

64: Do I believe in magic?: I’m a god damn witch bitch

65: Do I believe in luck?: I believe in karma

66: What’s the weather like right now? according to my phone its currently clear and 61 degrees

67: What was the last book I’ve read?: I have no idea

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?: eh

69: Do I have any nicknames? Maddie, Mad, Mads

70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?: I had a staph infection in my foot that went back and forth across my foot and then up my leg (doctor said if my mom didn’t bring me when she did I would’ve died cause it would’ve gone to my heart)

71: Do I spend money or save it?: spend it 

72: Can I touch my nose with a tongue?: nope

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me? ye

74: Favourite animal?: cats

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?: I have no idea

76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?: oh shit I’ve never thought of this

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?: good question

78: How can you win my heart?: Be Italian 

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone? I honestly have no idea

80: What is my favorite word? bitch

81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr: I get asked this way too much

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?: probably some hippie bullshit

83: Do I have any relatives in jail?: I’ve had relatives in jail but I dont think anyones in jail rn

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? theres too many lmao

85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? probably if I’ve smoked or drank or have done anything bad but only if my mom was asking

86: What is my current desktop picture? its just basic 

87: Had sex?: nah

88: Bought condoms?: nah

89: Gotten pregnant?: nah

90: Failed a class?: nah

91: Kissed a boy?: ye

92: Kissed a girl?: ye

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?: nah

94: Had job?: ye

95: Left the house without my wallet?: ye

96: Bullied someone on the internet?: nah

97: Had sex in public?: nah

98: Played on a sports team?: ye

99: Smoked weed?: ye

100: Did drugs?: nothing hardcore just smoking weed

101: Smoked cigarettes?: nah

102: Drank alcohol?: ye

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?: I’ve tried

104: Been overweight?: no answer

105: Been underweight? also no answer

106: Been to a wedding?: ye

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?: ye

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?: ye

109: Been outside my home country?: nah

110: Gotten my heart broken?: of course

111: Been to a professional sports game?: ye

112: Broken a bone?: ye

113: Cut myself?: ye

114: Been to prom?: ye

115: Been in airplane?: ye

116: Fly by helicopter?: nah

117: What concerts have I been to?: pink, metallica/volbeat, warped tour 2016,2017,2018, jingle ball, some birthday bash, I cant remember if I’ve been to any other ones lmao

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?: not entirely 

119: Learned another language?: not fully

120: Wore make up?: ye

121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?: I’m a child of god

122: Had oral sex?: nah

123: Dyed my hair?: ye

124: Voted in a presidential election?: not yet

125: Rode in an ambulance?: couldve a couple times but my parents decided to drive me

126: Had a surgery?: nah

127: Met someone famous?: I guess? 

128: Stalked someone on a social network?: who doesnt do this

129: Peed outside?: ye

130: Been fishing?: ye

131: Helped with charity?: I think so

132: Been rejected by a crush?: who doesnt get rejected

133: Broken a mirror?: probably

134: What do I want for birthday?: lots of things

135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names?: I have no idea

136: Was I named after anyone?: No but I have the same middle name as my aunt

137: Do I like my handwriting?: ye

138: What was my favorite toy as a child?: I have no idea

139: Favorite Tv Show?: American Horror Story, Bob’s Burgers, The Office, or Drunk History

140: Where do I want to live when older?: New Hampshire

141: Play any musical instrument?: I can play the violin and piano and can also sing but idk if that counts lmao

142: One of my scars, how did I get it?: its barely noticeable but literally right under my left eye (like right at the edge of my dark circle lmao) I got attacked by a dog and it bit me in the face and I had to get stitches but I bitched out and had it glued instead lmao

143: Favorite pizza topping? cheese

144: Am I afraid of the dark?: depends where I am

145: Am I afraid of heights?: ye

146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?:nah

147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?: haha yeah

148: What I’m really bad at: everything

149: What my greatest achievements are: I fucking graduated from high school. Like I would never wish what I went through on anyone ever not even my worst enemy. It was worse than hell

150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me: I honestly dont remember 

151: What I’d do if I won in a lottery: lots of stuff

152: What do I like about myself: my eyebrows

153: My closest Tumblr friend: I cant say @bohoangel cause I’ve known her since 5th grade so I’ll say @bostonnanner even though we met on omegle years ago lmao

154: Something I fantasize about: lots of things

155: Any question you’d like?: literally whatever anyone wants to know

[brawla]

What was his childhood like with his brothers and a single mother, and how did he come out to them? Was he well received? How does it affect all his relationships in life, given the time period?

GH okay i can talk in depth about this so its going under a cut. warnin for talk abt dysphoria, blasphemy (only kind of vaguely referred to), vague implications of nonphysical abuse and potential misgendering/transphobia/etc

so like… he was born a fraternal twin which wasnt so shocking to the family dynamic bc there was already a pair of twins But after having a total of 9 kids and One of them being born biologically female you kinda fixate on that yknow? so. elliot was most definitely Pegged to be the odd one out from the start but he kinda never really was. he played in the same way that his brothers played and loved getting dirty and being a general nuisance and he was, in essence, already One Of The Boys by like age 4. i should note also his oldest brother is 10 years older and most of them have like a ½ y age difference

inserting this bit right here to clarify the dog incident happened when he was 6 and four of them were playing in a dry canal n there were wild dogs hiding in the underpass (and up until then hed only known dogs as nice creatures) so he goes to pet em yadda yadda arms and legs get fucked up real bad. forearms are still wicked sensitive and scarred up but his knees recovered merely because he ran. they didnt have money for hospital bills so he was kinda useless for a while though

so anyway. despite her child obviously being a “““tomboy”““ she still attempted to force him into frilly dresses and do his hair all nice and when he was Really young he didnt super care but eventually noticed the difference in how his mom allowed his brothers to behave vs how she allowed him to behave and it upset him??? and granted this was more when he was like 8 or 9 and it was less “elli go play” and more “elli help me with dinner” even though she often didnt include anybody else in that request. so he starts cutting his own hair and disobeying openly and gets kinda mean because of it (thus his inclusion in being a Town Terror with the other brothers) uhh

they fought a Lot as kids bc margaret wasnt the Best at keeping them in line especially when shed get more concerned with sleeping with other men/going out for the nice bc once chase (oldest) was old enough to technically be in charge shed just kinda Leave sometimes an pray they didnt set the house on fire. because of that it was “im trapped in a house with all my brothers lets wrestle and scream until the neighbors call the cops on us because somebody might be dying” but at the end of the day they still had that Sibling Bond that rose above anything else

moving back onto the Trans Narrative: he realizes somethings up mid/end of middle school and hes not sure how to put it into words but he doesnt Feel Good anymore. doesnt like hearing his deadname or being the singular “girl” of the family. his twin, owen, is like, his first Go To for comfort and owen doesnt know either but he doesnt really Care. one time he tries to tell his mom but she waves him off and tells him never to bring it up again and… he Doesnt. goes through his first couple years of high school horrifically depressed and just barely passing year to year if Even passing until the very beginning of junior year he just Stops going. owen and some of the more fraternal of his brothers, when older, are kinda the only thing that keeps him grounded and ultimately he feels Useless ages 16 to 18

spy is his first contact bc he knows his mom who kinda just laments about how useless this kid who used to be so excited to play baseball with his brothers and run around and race freely is all of the sudden, please make him stop. and spys reluctant but also Guilty and has him flown out to nm for various hit and run jobs and elliot doesnt really realize what hes been thrust into at first but it gets to a point where doing Anything (even Crime) feels so good he doesnt care. inducted officially into the team when hes 19 or 20 and also has his name legally changed within that time period (jeremy is his “formal” name his mom insisted upon when he informed her this was a thing that was happening and she couldnt do anything about it, but if addressed by his actual name hed much rather hear elliot except in Official or as previously stated, formal, settings). voila The Scout is born

he technically comes out to the family when hes like 18/19 and already living out of home and he comes back to visit for a gathering where a lot of people are there includin some of his brothers’ dads. and nobody really knows what to do (mom im trans and also stronger than you so dont try any shit) bc most of them are religious and all of the boys were raised christian even if they were just going to church for the sake of going to church. and like… over time they adapt… margaret pulls the whole “this is all my fault my babys going to hell” thing for a while and makes it about her and some of his brothers do the same (william, the second oldest and michael, one of the other twins are the only two who are like “absolutely not youre disowned never speak to me again” and disallow their kids from seeing him EVEN THOUGH his nieces and nephews love him the Most) but eventually they kinda Get It. and dont Agree with it but cant bear to just leave their baby brother behind. so. its like. they fuck up the pronouns a lot but still Vaguely try. he doesnt talk to them a lot and wishes honestly hed never said anything and just moved out and lived stealth (hes stealth in tfi). he sends money home bc despite all his mom did and said to him bc deep down he still cares but. yknow. he avoids them if he can

SORRY THAT GOT LONG onto other tidbits

he never did baseball in school but played recreationally with the boys every time he got the opportunity to but he did run track when he got to eighth grade/high school and was really fantastic at it. hed run and began exercising initially as a way to beat his brothers but his mom makes some off-handed comment about how its good hes finally doing that, he could bear to lose somea that chub, nobody likes a fat girl (hes 12!) and is like Ah. and hes less self conscious about his weight now bc hes accepted the fact most of his weight is muscle and hes naturally curvy partly bc hes pretty and partly bc hes a runner. hes very very secure in himself and his identity even if he cant just tell people hes trans

he probably wouldve continued religiously if he hadnt been told by multiple sources that the “behaviors” he engaged in would upset god and get him banished to hell for life so he stopped going to church when he moved. of course, god only confirming he was his gift to the earth made him (silently) rub it in his familys face and he stopped uhh. believing in what was taught at churches simply bc he was convinced hed met god and proved all of them wrong? anyway

at the age and place he is he tends not to make lasting relationships with many people, at least romantically, because hes positive one of these days hell move to a place people dont know him and hell have had surgery and suddenly fit in with the cis and be able to settle down then. god knows he has the money for it; but for where hes at he tends not to care, not to tell anybody, n probably hasnt uhhh yknow Bonked for several years which is whatever he lives. He Lives. i think thats all i have to say on this IM SO SORRY but. this ask is very important to me

[imyourtrigger]

Tonight I might kill myself

It all started when I was a little girl and no matter what my mother says, I feel that my childhood has been taken away from me at a very young age.

My father was a drug addict and a theif. At age 6 six or maybe even before, my parents had a huge fight, there was broken glass everywhere, screams and curses. One by one my parents broke plate by plate, glass by glass, until there was nothing left. I was so young, that all I can do is to try to call my grandmother on our big and yellow 90s phone. When my father saw that, he came, took it away from me and threw it to the wall. Yellow plastic was everywhere and I felt that I am going to be the next one to meet the wall.

My father was a great father first years of my life. He was always thoughtful, loving and caring. I felt that I get more love from him, than from the woman who gave birth to me. I don’t think she is bad and never thought, her life was a mess, her parents was strict, her father was violent, she had me by accident and her husband was an abusive drug addict.

But this day I will remember for my whole life, the day that my father became violent towards me. And that day, that day when he left the house, the last thing I wanted is to stand in front of him begging not to leave, as I used to do every other fight they had. So for the first time he left the house because I didn’t stopped him.

Time went by, and minute by minute, second by second my life became hell. Of course, there is people that in way worse condition than me, people that live through hell every day and it is so selfish to say that my life is bad, but I believe that everyone have their own kind of hell.

One day, I think I was about 7-8 years old, I sat at my grandparents house, doing my homework with my cousin. I heard that my mom came home, and when I saw her my mind went all crazy. She told me that we are moving to my grandparents. No explanation, no saying goodbye to my friends, to my room, to my house... At first I was so happy, who’s not happy to live with their loving grandparents every single day? Sadly no one told me that there is a huge difference between living with them to visiting them on Sundays.

I am 23 now, and trully, all I wish is a second to get to that place where I grew in. To walk on the street where my parents used to walk with me. To look at the playground where my father with few others builded a swings for us (it was pretty poor neighborhood so at our playground we used to have only rocks and sand). All I want is to go there and breath in what have left of my childhood.

So, me, my mother and my little brother mooved to my grandparents house. At first they where all welcoming and loving, but then it all faded away. My grandfather was and alcoholic, so that was new to me. I did not had a room and slept with my grandma, but I was little and didnt really care about that. And then my mother had to find a job.

So while my father was a part time in jail and when not, came to see us once in never and did not paid his alimony... My mother was working her ass off at some job where she had to be out of the house for a month, every second month.

So when she was away, I had to be a responsible big sister and to take care of my little brother. I did all I had to and all I did not wanted to. If I had to go out and look after my brother playing in the sand instead of ... I don’t know, doing my homework, watching a tv, playing with my friends or whatever I did that. Dishes? Done that everyday. Clean the house? Been there, done that every day. Now it might look like something minor, but I was only like 8 years old.

Oh did I forgot to tell that my cousin was prefered by everyone including my mother? Well that how it was since I was born. You cant unsee things sometimes, especially when your grand grand mother taking her in another room, giving her the whole damn toys r us, and you sitting there and coloring the damn colorbook your mother drew for you cuz you didnt had any money. Oh and that cutted postcard puzzles was fun tho

Oh and my mom used to beat the shit out of me every other day when my brother and my big cousin was the fckn angeles just because they breathe.

At age 11 we moved to another country. The one thing I asked is to go to our old place and say goodbye to.. um it, and the memories I had. And guess what? It did not happened. Not because we had no time or anything, we had plenty, we even made a video of us going through the town to our favorite places, you know to remember our country... But not mine, even if it was on the way.

So gladly (at least that what I thought), my mom, me and my brother moved to a whole new country, where my hell just expanded.

When we moved here, we had to leave with my grandma’s sister and her husband for a month. They werent happy, so they made us unhappy too. They had two sons, my uncles, one of them lived in the same town. Lets call him Sam.

Uncle Sam reminded me of my father. Same looks, same mind, but I felt that he wasnt gonna leave me. Just as a little girl I wanted to have a man figure in my life, that could protect me if needed.

So uncle Sam had a son, my cousin, who was a big, hugeeeee shit. He used to be the only child, so probably he felt that me and my brother taking it away, his mother was a shit too, lets call her Midge.

So Midge told uncle Sam to stay away from us. But he didnt needed to, we felt unwanted enough. We moved to a one room apartment and stayed away from them.

Life didnt became easier, because little children are super cruel. I started 5th grade and my little brother was at 1st. We both were bullied. The names they called us, the things they did to us, girls that I thought was my friends made my their maid. Literally. They were coming to my house, made me feed them the food my mom was counting, because we had no money, made me do everything they wanted, and then used to lock me in the shower and didnt let me out untill I screamed because the water was hot that it left it marks on my body. When they was leaving I had to clean the house, sometimes I had no time before my mother was back home, so she was hurting me in all the way she could.

I still have scars, not all of them are physical. When she saw that half of the food were gone, the screams became fists and my tears became blood. Sometimes I felt numb and sometimes I felt that I am loosing my will to live.

For how long I remember myself, I was always trying to please the people around me. They could be friends, family or people at work, it always felt like a second job, where my mind had to work extra hours.

Maybe that was because I was afraid to be beaten, maybe that was because I was afraid that they will leave me, just like my father did.

At my birthday I called my father. His stepmother answered and told me that he is not interested and that I should leave them alone. This number didnt worked afterwards. And a few years later we talked over a social media where he told some not so nice stuff and ended it with “I’ll have better children than you”.

So back to junior school where everyone was a peasant. My brother was trying to stay close to me, and everyone was laughing at us, so I decided that instead of trying to get my shit together I have to help him. Every brake I was taking him to the playground, him and a bunch of other lonely kids, those who was bullied, those who had no friends... I am pretty sure that half of the games were invented by me. So for two years I kept this children busy, so they all became friends and werent ao lonely anymore.

I still tried to do my best at the school, where I had to learn new language and to deal with bullies and at home, to please my mother, who was coming everyday back from work, and beating me no matter what. I get that it was big on her. New country, new language, new people... It was scary and she felt also lonely, but I was not supposed to be anyones punching bag. I did not deserved it.

So that how my school years went... All same pattern, sometimes better, sometimes worse. So many heartbreaks, always toxic friendships. I started to work at a very young age, tried to give almost all of the money to my mother, but it still wasnt enough.

I was cutting myself for so long... The cuts became deeper and the will to live started to fade away. But still I had no guts to kill myself. Every fight I knew, that the next will be worse and maybe the next will become the last. Maybe today was the last.

A few years ago my mother stopped beating me, maybe thats because Im taller, because I grew up and she is afraid I can slap her back?

My brother became the most annoying thing on earth. Through junior high, I was still with him on my brakes, trying to make his life easier, every time anyone had a bad word to say I was there to protect him. Karate? Paid for it. Swimming lessons? Paid for it. New toys? New computer games? Gadget? A new phone? Done it all.

Even while I was at the army, getting the shittier salary you could imagine, working my ass off at two jobs, giving my mother some money, paying for his shit and his super expensive swimming lessons, trying to give him everything we couldn’t afford for me,

Somehow, I am still a bad daughter and a bad sister.

I just getting really tired of that “You blame everyone, when you should look in the mirror” shit.

I took them abroad two times. Paid for everything. And I mean everything. Every shit they wanted, and oh no, they had no shame in wanting the most expensive things on earth, like Im a fucking millionaire. And now when I broke and still manage to pay the bills at home and still take them abroad, but ask my brother to pay with me cuz he has a job and a decent salary I AM THE FUCKING BAD PERSON

LIKE HOW COULD I THINK THAT A PERSON I GAVE ALL MY LOVE TO, A PERSON I AM EVERY DAY LOOKING OUT FOR WHILE HE DOESNT EVEN KNOW THAT BECAUSE I DONT LOOK FOR A CREDIT A PERSON THAT STARTED TO WORK AT AGE OF 18 FOR FUN WHILE I AM WORKING FROM 12 TO PAY FOR HIM HOW COULD I THE WORSE PERSON ON THE WHOLE PLANET TO ASK HIM TO PAY FOR HIMSELF

Wow

Oh, uncle Sam died and that was devastating

The saddest thing is he died because he was lonely and his heart was broken

His parents, they moved to another country to his brother, his brother didnt wanted him, his wife left him and he was all alone

I wish, I wish he could inly knew how deeply I cared for him, how I wanted us to be closer, how good he was... It truly broke my heart in a million pieces.

His mother (my grandmas sister) came back here and passed away also. And her husband couldnt leave back because of the loan he had here

He went to live at Midges house then she kicked him and guess what? Hes sleeping in my mother’s bed

AND SOMEHOW I AM THE BAD PERSON AGAIN

HOW CAN I BE MAD AT A PERSON WHO MADE MY FAMILYS LIFE A LIVING HELL BUT AS WE SWITCH ROLES I HAVE TO BE I BIGGER PERSON AND ACCEPT HIS HOMELESS ASS HERE

I am very loving and caring person. But nobody has done that for me. He would never help me, and I know that for sure. He was screaming at me, he was trying to beat my little brother and now I have to accept that he is, an alcoholic, abusive person sleeping in my mothers bed, and she has to sleep with me? (Thats not the problem ofcourse, I love my mom no matter what)

And when he finally leaves, even tho I tried to be nice, and prepared him food and showed him how to use the tv and shit, my mom tells me that I am a bad person? Sorry that my life teached me that people will use your good heart against you.

I finally felt like I am mentally stable, that I am me, the good me. Not the depressed cutting wanting to die me. Finally had my shit together and felt so happy about it. I had my skin care routine after work, had my half hour to write in the diary and my 1 episode per night before bed routine that made me so fucking happy and glowing, and then the person that made me only bad comes and ruins it all and I have to accept that?

I finally made it, made it to the top of me where all I wanted is to live, where all I was is happy, and instead of understanding that, or at least carring about your daughter’s mental health and I dont know, even speaking with me about that, you just throw this shit at my face.

“You need to be tested”

“You are crazy”

“I wish I didnt had you”

Instead of

“Are you okay, do you want to talk about that?”

“Do you want to see a professional? I will support you”

“I dont know what I would do without you”

It just hurts that when you try to talk about maybe having a problem or when you try to speak your mind, or when you talk about your feelings to the person you care about the most... You got to be called a drama, you didnt get to even finish the sentencse... Somehow the problem is always in me and my feelings.

It hurts when your brother doesn’t care as you did and do about him.

It hurts that things that are important for you doesnt counted as important at all.

It hurts that your feelings not important.

You are not important.

That your sacrifices aren’t sacrifices.

And if you try to talk about yourself, you are selfish.

People say that no matter what’s happening, your family, your home, is the place that you can be you in it. A place where you are not judged.

Well, my family doesn’t count.

So maybe its better not to be counted at all.

[relatablyinsane-blog]

Quadpolar Part 2!

Just want to let you know that i had instant bloggers remorse after that last post. Welp, I've stepped in it now.

So i totally forgot to mention that I'm adopted (see: Symptoms of ADHD; rushing, inventiveness), pretty important stuff. That means my nice, old fashioned, very old, worked in the post office their whole life parents are not, in fact my real parents. What they did was reach into a barrel of discarded babies and pull out a meth head kid. (Sorry to my biological mom reading this, we have to go in context for a bit). For the sake of sanity my adoptive mom will be Mom and my biological mom will be Mama, although that didn't happen til MUCH later.

I was adopted at birth and told as soon as i was old enough to understand, something i appreciate my adoptive parents for. They never kept secrets from me, made sure i knew what sex was right off the bat, my super paranoid mom even gave me a book CALLED "Child lures" (I'm not kidding this was literally a pedophile's handbook for a seven year old to read, look it up. Fucked up.) But as far as how true it all was, maybe I'll never know.

What I was told by my adoptive mom was that my biological mother was a drug addict with two other kids already (my sister was 4 and my brother was 2). My father, who she was with at the time, was also a drug addict. As the story goes (i still haven't dared to ask), while high on meth one day he beat my baby brother so bad that his ribs and arm were broken and he now has permanent neurological damage. Last i knew my brother had just gotten out of jail and was homeless, so his life hasn't really improved. That was about the time the state of Arkansas decided that my mother, pregnant with me at the time, would no longer have custody of her children and we would all be placed for adoption immediately. My sister and brother, who shared a father that was different from mine, were placed in an orphanage and my Mama chose my adoptive parents to take me from birth. I had no correspondence with her for decades and didn't want to- to me she was a vile, despicable woman like all the drug addicts in the world- but i had mever even met someone on drugs so what did I know? So, born in Arkansas, raised in New Jersey and then....

Fast forward to the good part: the part that sticks my crazy ass in the awful state of Maine. I liked vacationing there, but did i want to move there? Hell no! My one best friend in the world, the boy next door who I'd grown up with and was the same age as, was not coming with us. It was in the middle of nowhere, on the eve of my Fifth grade year. Having skipped a grade, I was only 9 at the time. I distinctly recall my first car ride to the rural beach town, during which I had a small mental break down and screamed "THEY'RE DRIVING TRACTORS ON THE ROAD!!!" because that was just <i>unheard of.</i> The only kid on the street, eventual cheer captain, straight A student and model child was my age but wanted nothing to do with the hyperactive menace next door who came over uninvited and played with the dogs. Yep, that was me. Forcing myself into the company of people who didn't want me around.

And thus I started school at the local K through 8. Wait. K through 8? How many kids went to this school????? Must be like TEN THOUSAND!! Back in Jersey there were 2-3 grade levels to a school, 30 kids to a class and 11 of each grade.That's over 600 kids in just two grades! (And i still had no friends. Sob. Seriously i must have been an awful kid.) You never had the same classmates twice, classes switched every grade. I couldn't imagine how FRIGGEN HUGE a school with every grade in it would be!!

What? What's that. There are HOW MANY kids in my class?

16. And how many in the grade? 16.

....so there's one fifth grade? And how many kids in the school??? ......a little over a hundred.

WHAAAAAAAAAAAA.

At first i was pumped. I get to make friends and stay with them all the way till high school?! YES. Except this was when I remember my life becoming a living hell.

At this point i had been on at least three different medications for ADHD and none of them worked. Ritalin, Concerta, Stratera etc. Apparently i was still as annoying as ever because i remember being tormented relentlessly. Like, relentlessly. When there's only 16 kids in the class and you're the target, there's no escape. The teacher's let it happen. I was called hippopotamus. My lunch got spat in. I was mocked in front of the class. I was called stupid. Everyone would argue about having to sit next to me and i would just sit alone, or if someone did have to sit with me (usually the teacher assigned someone which made it worse) they would push my things off my desk or ask to copy my work once they realized i was almost as smart as the smartest girl in the class.

And i let them. I wanted SO fucking badly to be popular, to have a friend, fucking anything. It always blew up in my face. As soon as i was done being used for answers, a good place in line, a random good pick for a team or something, i was immediately shunned again. I buried myself in my extracurriculars (now it was swim team, violin and piano), joined band, chorus, jazz band, softball and soccer. I told my parents very little unless they were being dragged in for parent teacher conferences about how i was inattentive and always acting out. My grades began to slip because I was starting to learn about depression and constantly forgot to do my homework. My strict as hell parents were making me practice piano and violin for hours a day and my only solace was my meager 30 minutes of Nintendo 64 time per day. At one point my sixth grade teacher (stupid bitch, i hope you enjoy your cancer (sorry, y'all)) told my parents i wasn't as smart as everyone said and i should be held back because she thought i was autistic. I'm a lot of things, but not fucking autistic.

In the summer before seventh grade i finally got a reprieve in the form of my still longest best friend and the miracle drug Adderall. For those who don't know, Adderall is an amphetamine based ADHD medication and widely abused for it's stimulant properties. For anyone with ADHD however, it mellows the shit out of us and makes us super focused. Well, I'm a little allergic to it, so it actually makes me aggressive. On top of that, it makes your appetite nonexistent so, surprisingly, your favorite curvy girl Jay developed an eating disorder. Not on purpose at first. I just wasnt hungry so i didn't eat. I skipped breakfast, skipped lunch, ate the light dinner my parents prepared and went to bed. Hunger was nonexistent. Then one day i woke up and discovered myself at about 135 pounds, i tried on my first pair of short shorts out shopping with my mom. I'll never fucking forget looking in the mirror and saying out loud "Wow... I actually look great in these!" I didn't realize it was the Adderall at the time but I let it get worse. Whenever i did eat off my only light dinner schedule i would make myself throw up. I eventually got down to 117 pounds. My lowest weight. I stayed there for years. Once i had a state ID with me at that weight. Even at 12 i looked emaciated. It was revolting. I kept that ID for awhile to remind myself how awful i looked and to remind me that I look better curvy, but then i got fat and it made me sad. But i digress.

When i got back to school I suddenly gave not a single fuck about anyone picking on me. Adderall made my emotions <i>nonexistent</i>, but my temper started to boil. As a punching bag i was still pretty friendly and docile, like a big dumb dog that comes trotting back for another beating time and time again. Now i was silent and glowery. People took notice, and that's where my first real best friend came in. Let's call her Patti. I will always remember the day it really happened. I was the first person in line for recess, a great honor, but all my classmates were playing the "EW I DON'T WANT TO STAND NEXT TO HER" game. As per usual. I didn't really care. Thank god for drugs amirite? But then one voice rang out above the crowd of heckling...

I'm just kidding, it was more of a frustrated "seriously guys? Grow up." and then there was Patti. Someone who'd never joined in the terrorizing- i didn't and still don't blame anyone who didn't speak up. It would have made them a target too. But why? She was a cheerleader. I don't think anyone disliked her. She wasn't "popular" but she'd been going to this school since kindergarten and knew everyone. I guess I'll never really understand. But she was a lifesaver, even before the depression got really bad. She actually got to know me, the real me, she realized (and helped me realize too) that i was funny, and goofy and smart, and friendly. Eventually, because of her, some of the others started to come around too, but none of them were ever quite as close to me as she was. I thank god for this girl pretty regularly. Not as much as i should lately.

But there was still the matter of the bullies- and of my short fuse. I had my first kiss that year and a few short lived "boyfriends"- all from other schools of course, it would have been an unforgivable taboo to be interested in Jay. But that year was the year i put my foot down. As i mentioned earlier, Adderall had made me apathetic, but also very, very aggressive. The rage built slowly for several months until one fateful day in art class. I can't remember what i was doing to deserve this comment, i genuinely wish i could, but one of my usual enemies decided to say "No wonder your parents didn't want you!"

She was across the table from me and before i knew it i had launched myself across the table and had my hand up around her throat. No squeezing, just pressure. Her eyes nearly bugged out of her head and the entire room fucking froze. It was like something out of a movie. That was the first time i ever rage cried. If i ever get angry enough that my eyes start to water, someone's gonna get hurt. We both got sent to the principal, maybe because the sensible art teacher recognized a normally good natured kid snapping. I looked dead into that principal's eyes and told him that I'd had enough. I was tired of being picked on every single day and having nothing done. Teachers watched and let it happen. Some fucking joined in. HE let it happen after i told him time and time again what was going on. I didnt get in trouble. The bullying receded a good amount that day. It didn't stop completely until almost the end of the year.

Through my mother's networking at church i had become friends with one of the most popular girls at a neighboring school- a gorgeous russian adopted girl with a thick accent and a very early onset sex drive. Yikes. In turn, she introduced me to her brother, who i began "dating" for several months. By "dating" i mean we held hands and made out under the bleachers at YMCA dances and he tried to get me to give him a blowjob at my 12th birthday party. Jesus yikes. Needless to say that relationship didn't last long but I'd suddenly earned a reputation of someone who was- dare i say it- close to popular?

Then there was the summer of 2004. The best few months of my life. Patti and i were inseperable, we rode our bikes around the town every day, snuck into the state park, ate ice cream at the little trailer shop nearby, stayed up all night then nodded off through church the next day. And we dreamed. Oh sweet jesus did we dream about getting as far away from our shitty little town as possible and never coming back. I had honestly never been happier and for the first time in my life i had a best friend. I had a birthday party at the end of the school year and a bunch of people came- people from my school!- we genuinely had an amazing time. The girls all slept over and for once, finally, i felt like i belonged.

Eighth grade was a breeze, if you skim over Adderall making me almost punch my mom in the face. It was the first and last time i ever raised a fist to my parents. But it had done it's job. I wasn't getting picked on, i gained a little more weight and filled out nicely, I excelled at academics, won awards in jazz band, joined the bangor youth symphony orchestra, and actually made real friends (none in my school save for patti really.)

So.... That's my life up until high school. That's when i met depression. 😘

[littlebitoffanfic]

In The Hills

Fandom: The Hills Have Eyes Character: Chameleon, others mentioned Relationship: Chameleon/reader Request: chameleon x reader. I don’t have a plot in mind but if you could write something to do with his tongue, that would be awesome Your heart was beating hard against your chest as you ran across the rough terrain. When you finally slowed down, you looked around, trying to train your eyes to find the person you were looking for. Although it wasnt easy. The part you had stopped in was surrounded by large, yellowish rocks on the outside of the mines. Your breathing was harsh and your cheeks flushed red as you turned in a circle, your eyes scanning the rocks. Little did you knew as you overlooked one rock and turned away from it, someone was camouflaged against the surface and as soon as you back was to him, he leaped at you. You gasped as an arm wrapped around your waist and picked you up. “Damn it!” You cried out as you heard your oldest friend Chameleon chuckle as he threw you up so you were perched on his shoulder, his hands holding onto your ankles to make sure you didn’t fall. “How do you do that?” You demanded, crossing your arms. You weren’t talking about the camouflage because you knew that was due to his unique skin. You were meaning how he always managed to be hidden so close to you without you knowing. “Practice.” He said, holding his chin up with pride. Cursing, you knew you had lost the bet which was that you could get to the foot of the hill before Chameleon could catch you. You were part of Jupiter’s clan which you were grateful for because they were a little more family orientated that Hades. You had been adopted as a small baby into Mama care and had always been apart of the family. Part of the reason for them adopting you was because you had two different coloured eyes. They saw that as a mutation and decided they couldn’t kill one of their own. Plus, Mama was pregnant with Ruby at the time and refused to let any baby be harmed. But you never knew anyone outside of your clan till you were 8. --------------flash back ----------------- When you were about 8 years old, you had been playing hid and seek with Lizard and Pluto when you had run into the mines. That was where you met Chameleon. He was only a year older that you and had instantly been drawn to you. He followed you around the mines, even diverting a few of his own clan away from you despite knowing his father would be cross and probably hit him for it. He had seen you playing with the other clan but he had also seen you running from them. He hadn’t known you had been playing a game. You had turned around and seen him switching hiding places, using his skin to blend into the surroundings. But because of your connection with your clan, you weren’t afraid of him much to his surprise. “You’re good at hide and seek.” You giggled, running over to him and bouncing on the ball of your foot. He didn’t speak but simply nodded. “Can you help me? My brothers are trying to find me and I need a good place.” You asked, glancing around as if to draw inspiration. Of course he helped you. In fact, he found a place at the side of the hills and away from the traps which you could hid and even see over into your own area. The two of you stayed hidden for a while. But the time flew. You two talked and giggled, not loud enough to be heard. Until you noticed 2 men, 1 woman and 2 boys walking along. You winced when you saw the two men and woman had guns and you heard Chameleon hiss. As they got closer, you saw it was Papa, Cyst, Pluto and Lizard and they all looked ready for war. You jumped and when to start running down the side of the hill to them, worried you were in trouble but a hand caught you. “They’ll hurt you.” Chameleon hissed, trying to pull you back but you shook your head. “No they wont. That’s my papa and mama and uncle and brothers.” You said, pointing to the group. The two of you had hurried down the side of the mountain. You had thought he wouldn’t come with you but when he saved you from falling more than once, you were grateful. “Hades!” You heard your father screaming, his voice filled with anger as they approached the opening of the mines. As you got closer, you saw a group of new mutants come out from the mines, lead by a large and rather fat man. “Brother.” The fatter one growled, obviously insulted by the weapons in their hands. “You give me back my daughter.” Papa had growled, signalling to the others to stand back as he went up to the man. Just then, you and Chameleon jumped down the final distance and landed no so far from them. Both groups heard you and turned to the source of the noise. “[y/n]!” Mama had called out, running over and wrapping her arms around you. When she pulled back, she had cupped your face in her hands. “Did they hurt you?” She demanded, making you frown, thinking she meant Pluto and Lizard since they could get a little rough. “No, Chameleon helped me hid.” You said, earning a grown from Papa. “Why were you hiding?” He spat, more at the other man than at you. “We were playing hide and seek. And Lizard always says im rubbish at hiding so Chameleon helped me win.” You said, pointing to your brothers who were looking rather sheepish. Mama had took your hand and pulled you over to your brothers as Chameleon went to stand with two other boys around about the same age. Papa had told Mama to take you, Pluto and Lizard home while he stayed and spoke to the man who you later found out was Hades. It was agreed that day that Hades couldn’t lay a finger on you. Later on in life, you found out that Hades keeps females for breeding purposes which kinda made your skin crawl but they never touched you. In fact, you helped them a lot. You would lead people into the mines because they trusted a young girl. You also helped with the care of the new-borns, Unfortunately, very few survived more than a few months due to their mutations and their births. But you did your best to try and find out why that could be. It was through your research and curiosity that lead to a few babies living for a few days which for Hades, was a break through since most died a birth. You had also found out that the clans had been split for a number of years but it seemed your and Chameleons friendship had started a repairing process between them. Hazel, Pluto and Ruby were very good friends due to their softer nature and Lizard had taken a liking to Letch and Stabber because of their shared knack for violence. The older ones still didn’t always get along as well as the younger generation but they put that aside. you were and still are, surprised that Hades had grown to protect you. He was like an uncle to you now and always made sure you were okay. It had surprised Papa as well, considering he sometimes treated you better than his own sons. But you were like Ruby. You could do no wrong in anyone’s eyes, including Hades. You helped everyone in their own way. You read to Grabber because he couldn’t see properly. You helped Hansel organise his collections into piles so his room wasn’t so cluttered. Letch and Stabber used you as practice. They would chase you through the mines to keep them on their toes. This was done by having the word “Victim”. You would call it out at any time you desired when you were in the mines and they had to catch you before you got to the foot of the mines. This game normally ended up with most the clan joining in and you laughing your head off. You took care of their wounds and mutations. You grew to be as part of their family as you were your own. -----------------------------back to present ----------------------- You were finally put down onto a rock by Chameleon near the entrance to the mines. “Papa says I can stay out till the sun sets but then they need my help with a car that’s broken down.” You smiled, looking at your friend. He had grown up to become incredibly handsome to you. You never understood why no one else thought so. He was so unique, so strange and you loved that. He had stopped wearing shirt a while ago and you didn’t mind, especially when he would hug you or even make the slightest bit of physical contact with you. As you looked at him, you noticed slight bruising on the good side of his face. Reaching out, you gently ran your fingers over it, knowing exactly who did this to him. That was one thing you resented about Hades. How he treated Chameleon. “What happened?” You asked, seeing him flinch a little. “Someone got away. My fault.” As he spoke, you kinda understood. It was dangerous to let people escape but you didn’t agree with Hades hitting him. Sure, Lizard got very aggressive, but he never lay a finger on you. He would sometimes punch Pluto but Pluto would get his own back. “I hate seeing you hurt.” You mumbled, moving closer to him. He was so sweet to you, so caring and loving so you didn’t understand how anyone could be mean or violent to him. To be honest, you didn’t know how anyone could mean or violent to any of your family. You only killed out of either necessity or fear. The first time Chameleon had ever killed, it was because you were in danger. A man had been about to shoot you when Chameleon had jumped down from a bolder and started to beat the man with a rock. He had proven since that day he would go to the ends of the earth for you and you for him. You felt an arm wrapping around your waist as Chameleon gave your side a slight squeeze as he looked down at you. You loved looking into those beautiful eyes, seeing the emotions swirling in them. You realised you had started to caress the side of his face with your hand while your free hand was resting on his lap. It felt so nice having these close encounters with each other. It only made your heart long for him more. You wanted to feel his hands on your side, feeling his hot breath on your lips and his skin on yours. You knew about his tongue and just the thought of it made your mind spin with lust. You wished you could lie to yourself and say you had never thought of him as more than a friend. But the truth was, it was something you longed for. You couldn’t even count how many times you had lay in your bed and thought of him while doing other things to yourself. It was this thought that drove you to lean forward and press your lips against his in a surprising kiss. You felt him jump then stiffen. You would have pulled away but you were too engrossed in the kiss, even if it was one sided. His lips were surprisingly soft and welcoming. He had more than enough strength to push you away. In fact, if he wanted to end the kiss, all he had to do was sit up straight and due to his height and your lack of, you wouldn’t be able to continue the kiss. But he didn’t. He just stayed frozen. Due to kiss lack of response, you pulled back, your cheek glowing a dark red. You had expected him to kiss you back after some amount of time but he didn’t. “Chameleon, i-im sorry.” Was all you could mutter as jumped off the rock and started to run. Tears began to pool in your eyes as you tried yourself to run down the side of the hills. You couldn’t believe you had been so stupid. Chameleon had never shown any signs of wanting anything more from you. Apart from the lingering gazes, the soft touches, the warm embraces. You shook your head as you went to run down the side of the hills but tripped and lost your footing. You braced yourself for the inevitable hard ground but it never came. You had been caught in mid air and pull against a hard chest. You blinked rapidly and looked up, seeing Chameleon was staring down at you. You couldn’t tell what he was thinking but your stomach was doing back flips as you tried to think of how to explain your actions to him. But then he ducked down and pressed his lips to yours, taking you totally off guard but you quickly responded to the kiss, not wanting him to feel that the first kiss was a mistake. You found your kneeling going weak as he kissed you. Especially when he let out a low groan that you could feel from his chest. You wrapped your arms around his neck, feeling his slip to your lower back and pull you against him. He then moved you so you were pressed between him and rock but you didn’t mind. You felt he was about to deepen the kiss but then stopped. You took his lower lip in between your teeth and playfully bit down, not hard enough to hurt. Chameleon pulled away from the kiss, his eyes seeing the smirk on your lip and he relaxed. You were panting slightly and your eyes were hungry with lust for him. You saw him tilt his head slightly, his eyes now focusing on your lips like he was trying to get the courage to dive back in for another kiss. You noticed a small strand of saliva from the previous kiss was on his lips and trailed down to his chin. Taking the opportunity, you leaned forward and licked from his lips to his lips, latching onto them for a quick kiss before pulling back. You saw Chameleon smile before he opened his mouth. His eyes rolled into the back of his head as he stretched his long tongue. Instantly, you took it in your mouth, moaning at the feeling as he began to push it further into your mouth. You moaned, unable to control yourself as his lips finally met yours. “[y/n]!” A voice buzzed from your radio, making you both jump apart, panting. You fumbled with your Radio from your back pocket. “yeah?” You called dover the radio as Lizards voice came back on. “Big brain wants yah back now. Said to go out earlier.” Lizard told you. “Okay, I’ll head back the now.” You confirmed and the radio went dead. You took a deep breath and looked back to Chameleon. You saw there was a sadness in his eyes. “I have to go.” You said, panting slightly still. Chameleon looked up to your eyes and you saw there was a silent question in them. But you couldn’t tell what it was. You sighed and turned to walk down the side of the hill but someone caught your wrist. Turning, you saw Chameleon. “Come back?” He practically begged you and instantly, you knew he didn’t just mean to come back and see him. It was a hidden question of that kiss. “If you want me to.” You smiled, turning and stepping closer to him. Instantly, he let go of your wrist to wrap his arms around your body. You felt at home in his arms. “Always.” He mumbled before ducking down for another quick kiss. You kissed him back but had to pull away before things got too heated again. You didn’t think you could pull yourself away another time. “Meet me here after dark?” You panted, looking up at him through your eyelashes. He nodded, beaming at you before kissing your forehead and stepping back. You started to run down the side of the hills, your heart racing. The rest of the day, you couldn’t stop smiling. Neither could you wait for night to fall. So you could return to the hills.

[asksansweredpdf]

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself? i feel like it was teenage rebel - chameleon circuit hahaha

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know? well, i often do tarot spreads for this. but i guess i would ask - you know. i’m not sure

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life? literally just surviving it all

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise? maybe a few work ones, or the time not long ago i was put in a group assignment for uni. we all decided to meet up after our group presentation for drinks and hang out and i had a really fun time making new friends and hanging out with people

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? oh man i would have WAY less anxiety about everything. knowing that nothing i do will matter in a year would be so freeing and liberating. i’d probably get a new job and actually get my motorbike license and go for rides 

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things? i don’t have a bucket list but i’ll try to think of 3 things i’d like to do before i die -

this has been in my drafts for days and i honestly can’t think of a thing. 

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail.

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood? nope

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person? honestly i can’t remember. oh! i think maybe 6 months ago i got high and started over thinking and got sad and started crying. my roommate walked past because i forgot i had the door open and hugged me and then left after a bit

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them. ideally, it’d be a close friend. but i dont have those. so maybe if i could go back in time and stargaze with an old friend. otherwise, my current friend hj is cool! actually, i’d love to get high and stargaze with him.

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them? i have before. but no, i wouldn’t now. i’m not like that anymore

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you? it was 4 months ago, with my old best friend’s ex-boyfriend (i think they broke up? i dont talk to either of them anymore). i used to be close to him anyway, like we were also best friends. and we used to be roommates.

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom? i’d love to look my mother in the eyes and say “i’ll never forgive you” but. it doesn’t feel right as much as i mean it. i guess i’d like to say it to both my parents. but i have to pick one person. .... i guess i would get my old best friend who i havent spoken to in 6 years and say “i’m sorry. i missed you for years. i’ll always love you” or something equally dramatic

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes? i have them and i love them. they’re so beautiful

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally. i’m picking a few because fuck the police “being human is a condition that requires a little anaesthesia” was from the bohrap movie. relatable mood. reminds me of my mother which makes me uncomfortable “fall down 7 times, stand up 8. higher, further, faster” from captain marvel. i’ve been through soooo much fucking shit in my life. and i feel like it just keeps coming (well. the shit keeps coming and it don’t stop coming and it dont stop coming and it dont stop coming and it dont stop coming) and sometimes i wonder what the point of it all is. like what’s the point of trying to be happy when i’m just going to be let down again. and so it’s encouraging to change perspective from that to, we get up higher, further, faster

“my skin has gone from porcelain, to ivory, to steel” - sansa stark  it ties in with the captain marvel one. in that shit just keeps happening. and i feel the same way. i used to be so free and naive and i’m not that person anymore. i guess it makes me feel less alone. 

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far? “

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars? buy a house for myself, buy a few investment properties so that i know i’m always secure financially. put a couple million in the bank. buy houses for my friends and family, donate the rest

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way? yes and yes. i feel like i’m really understanding, and so i forgive people when it’s understandable. but once it’s past a certain point, i’m not at all forgiving. i hold grudges too. i like being this way

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self. “hey kid. happy birthday! well, this is where things start to get really hard. you’re going to go through a lot even though you think you won’t. people are going to leave you and treat you despicably and betray you. almost everyone you love will completely screw you over. you will have no one to count on except yourself. i’m not saying this to scare you. but i want you to know that even when you feel like it’s too much to handle, you’re so much stronger than you’ll even realise. you have so much turmoil ahead of you, but i love you so much. you’ll come out the other end with anxiety and so scarred. but you’ll survive it. all of it. you’ll survive. there’s no lesson or greater purpose. i’m not going to tell you that it all happens for a reason, because it doesn’t. just trust that you have what’s in you to face anything. once day this will all feel like a bad dream and you’ll start to feel like yourself again. best of luck. ps there is no god”

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel? punk

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain. love them both. they’re hot and cool

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not? nah, i only wear make up to work. and that’s because i work in sales. part of getting people to like you is being attractive. make up makes you more attractive. when people like you, you have more influence over them and you make more sales

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way. runaway by pink. that song just. what a mood. and family portrait. i relate to both of those songs so much. even when i was going through shit, i had that song that i could sing and even though things were never okay, they made it bearable

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them. be kind to each other?

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel. 1st was a pink concert i went to when i was 15! we were super poor so this was a major deal. i waited in line for ages and my back started hurting real bad. but as soon as she got on stage everything went away. it was electrifying and she performed my favourite song. and i had eyeliner on which i cried off because she was my idol and it was amazing. her dancers were also super hot and i re-affirmed my bisexuality because i was like. wow. yes 2nd was lana & borns. my sister made me go with her to see lana del rey who i dont really give a shit about. she’s cool but im not like a major fan. borns however, i adore with every fibre of my being. borns was the opening act which was cute. i was one of the only ones in the crowd who knew him and everyone behind me was like gasping and talking about how cute he is. which also re-affirmed my sexuality. up until that point i thought that maybe i was a lesbian because i didn’t tend to find men too attractive. but borns? nope, i knew i was bi. then lana came on. it was okay. i knew a fair amount of the songs and apparently pissed everyone off by singing? i just thought that’s what you did at concerts dsjgdslkr but i had fun.

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say? i would love to get a letter from an old best friend of mine saying sorry & that we should catch up. i feel like i havent had a friendship as full of connection as the one we’ve had. it’s been years and i still dont have anyone that could possibly replace her. but i worry that if we ever did try to re-kindle things it just wouldnt work out. which would lead me to ask myself if there was ever going to be anyone else who i’ll have that connection with. but it’d be nice at least

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised? i don’t have a desk! i had one for about 3 months and it was organised. i was always too poor to afford a desk and it just wasnt a priority when i used my bed

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine? go upstairs, lay in bed, read .... words, stay up until my eyes are closing for me. sleep

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know? my parents opinion literally means nothing to me. i wouldn’t care what they do/don’t know. i guess id prefer if they didnt know about the drugs because my mum did them a lot and it led to her being abusive. so they’d be suuuper judgy and probably take them off me and shit. but once im moved out, i dont really care. they wont be able to do much about it

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why? i’d love to have a shaved thing. my hair’s already short. but my dad’s homophobic and doesnt want me to get it short. i dont give enough of a shit about it to argue with him so i leave it. but if i could, having a cool shaved thing would be nice

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do? i dont think i even have 5 friends, and if i do, we certainly don’t have fun together. i’d just go by myself. i’m lots of fun to be around when it’s just me

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them. i wish for a job that has stable income, consistent hours, a kind staff, and is something that i’m not constantly fucking up. - i wish for this because i feel like getting up every day to do something that doesn’t give me panic attacks (that i might even be able to enjoy) is such a dream. and if it gives a stable amount of money and hours, i’d be able to plan things and have a life instead of worrying about them calling me at literally any given moment and asking me to work. which means i’d either have to work or stammer out an excuse on the spot & have the managers be mad at me i wish for a living space that i can afford & is either by myself or with people who aren’t terrible. or with people who can’t fuck me over if they get mad at me. this would step 2 of being happy for me. having a job that doesn’t make me anxious = job that could make me happy. living space that is secure and mine and that no one can take away = reduction of anxiety and security = potentially being happy.  i guess i’d use the 3rd wish on having a car or motorbike. being able to get around without relying on anyone or public transport would be nice. i can go to places whenever it suits me and i’d be independent. i can just decide to go to an art gallery without it having to be a major planning thing or something that would take 2 hours to get to and from. it’d be very liberating 

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up. omg! last halloween. i borrowed an old friend’s witch costume. it was this cute corseted dress with a mini skirt & suspenders that attach to stockings. i bought a matching wand and witches hat. i looked super cute

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high? i havent done terrible things under the influence hey. i mostly just have fun and keep to myself.

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars? i dunno man. one million dollars is a lot of money. surely any of my usual morals would fly out the window. murder would become questionable. like it’s $1 million. i guess maybe not murder because if i went to jail then i wouldnt be able to spend the $1m. mass murder of like children and innocent people i probably wouldnt do. even if i got away with it

storms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why? 1 song would be maybe americans - janelle monae. it’s a tune and you can listen to it for any mood really 1 person? i’ve purposefully gotten rid of any person i would want to only see for the rest of my life. not in a murder way, i just cut ties with them

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realise you’re in love. many a time. it’s a really nice thing! not just romantically. but for me, i just suddenly can’t stop thinking about them. like every spare second i have i’m wondering what they’re doing, thinking about our inside jokes, planning what i’ll say next, wondering what to wear to impress them next, planning how i’m going to work this funny story i want to tell them, etc. and i won’t be able to stop smiling whenever they’re around. the worst giveaway for me is when i can feel myself excessively talking to other people about them. and i can’t stop.  it gives me something to think about that makes me happy. something that makes me happy to distract from usually the shitter things.

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair? i am a girl and i have really really short hair. i rock it. i also rock black nail polish

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone? i hate coffee. so i usually order a white hot chocolate with cream and marshmallows. i’d trust anyone to order it for me. as long as they didn’t screw up and get me the white chocolate mocha, which has happened a few times 

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now? alcohol. music! probbaly music before alcohol. i love music. cigarettes. and my phone

[dolanficsparadise]

♣️Charlotte~Ethan♠️

CHAPTER I

Paring:Ethan x Charlotte (character)

Warning:Hate-Love-Smut in future chapters

Word Count-3184

This twisted love story takes place in late 1800s around the 1889 Ethan’s eyes are green and brownish in the story but they’re going to be mostly Red or black)

~CHARLOTTE~

Sunday - today was the day that made my stomach turn from unknown feelings

“Come on Charlotte we have to get you dressed aren’t you happy to see your parents once again its been quite along time and you’ve read their letters darling they quite miss you"Malia shouts from inside of the closet her sweet voice flowing through my ears as a soft river of melodies

I didnt quite feel any emotion whatsoever about my parents coming back from winters valley from their meeting because I never even got to see them anyway

Eventhough we lived in the same house and only got to see them in special occasions and dinner if I was even lucky to dine with them it was just always me and malila 24/7

But I guess I still existed for them when I read their lovely handwritten letters stamped with a yellow seal on the back of it

Why yellow? I would ask myself as I remember my moms sweet voice as she always said yellow was our color beacuse it meant power and success

I really didnt know why our kingdom had to have the yellow seal like every type of mail or letter we send to other kingdoms it will be yellow  as well with our clothing it had to have something yellow

As well as many other kingdoms who have their own different color seal like The Violet seal aka The maple cresent kingdom as they are located in maple valley they pretend to be fancy but they are actually not

Then theres,The wine seal aka The summer kingdom as they are located in summers valley They are an insane family lets just say that like I really dont understand how in one familiy there could be so much drama and hidden scandelous affairs… yuck and eww first of all

The orange seal aka the blossom kingdom they are wannabes they really dont do anything but steal others ideas and judgement they are just known for their money and are in everyones buisness

The green seal aka The diamond kingdom they are known for their knowledege in science and inventions such as the time machine which they will release late in august along with other weird inventions

The blue seal aka The Enduria family kingdom they are the judges of every council and they know everything and see everything and are freaking unfair

The pink seal aka The furry kingdom they are the ones who run all the hospitals and shops there is as each memeber in the family has a special job

And my least favorite of all the one whos feared the most the black seal aka The scarlett kingdom they are the dangreous who are cursed by their beautiful looks and immmese power

I HATE THEM but I used to love them as my own family as im also arranged to get married with the prince of their kingdom Ethan which I refuse to marry that little womanizer jerk of an ass from what he did

Chills run down my spine not wanting to remember anything about him

Their are many more kingdoms with other colors but they arent as mentioned so I really dont know which color they have

theres only two powerful kingdoms: the yellow seal kingdom our kingdom and the black seal kingdom which are our enemeies now

well my enemy as my parents still talk to them and are friends with them because Im going to marry the kings son Ethan

which I despise and refuse just because the council orders it and my parents and his parents signed a contract and agreed to arrange this marrige when we werent even born yet just for the sake of our kingdoms and I have no say in this

But everything used to be good back then when he was actually nice to me when we where young

I look down at the floor not allowing myself to cry or feel anything toward that jerk as everything I thought we once had is over

“Stand still mi lady"The maids say as they hold on to my waist trying to tighten the corset tighter making me hold in a breath

The only person who ever understood me and was always there for me was Malia my parents right hand who they put incharge of me since I was 9 months old who I have adapted as a second mother

"Come on do it tighter im not hearing her groan Lola "Malia shouts again still roaming inside of the closet for the "perfect” dress as the poor maids tried their hardest to tighten the corset tightly around my waist but couldn’t as they growned in frustration trying to do it Malia’s way

“Leave now im sorry Lola and Katherin but I cant have you guys playing around here go down and help the others clean for the ball its in a couple of hours hurry please” Malia said walking towards me as she laid several dresses on my bed and pointed for the maids to exit the room

They obeyed walking out of the room with they’re head down in agony shutting the door behind them as I huffed out an air it wasn’t even their fault that Malia wants me to suffocate in this

“You are just so pure and innocent you cant always be so nice to people my darling"Malia said making me shake my head as she walks to my backside taking both the strings of the now loosend corset in her hands pulling tightly with every grunt making me groan out and hold in a breath everytime she pulled tighter

"Malia you know I dont think anyone is perfect as I believe that everyone is unique in their own selfish beautiful way but not perfect they could never be and kindness is the key for everything"I argued my point with every chance of breath I took as she huffed on about back there trying to tie a perfect not in which even though it would look perfect it was not it could never be perfect

"Sure sweetie I understand your weird point of view about "perfect and kindness "but im going to have to disagree with you on this one because many people are not going to be kind in this cruel world "Malia said coming out from behind me grinning in satisfaction as she looked up at me putting her arms on top of my shoulder shaking her long glossy manicured fingers in my face

I chose to stay quiet or else the argument would never end.

"Oh the gorgeous dresseses, oh the life of the party you have to live life you have to forget about him and everyone else who is against you because they’re jealous of your beauty and your innocence my dear oh how I wish I was your age again "Malia said twirling around in her golden sparkled gown as she pulled me along with her humming a tune of a song I quite couldn’t catch as she pulled me toward my bed

I looked at it with such saddness remembering how I was ripped out from it at 6 in the morning

Malia took my hand in her soft ones as she looked at all the dresses she laid out neatly on the bed picking the one I dreaded the most

The yellow golden sweetheart gown the one that pushed my boobs up and made me look like a grown woman which was a good thing for Malia who always wanted me to dress like a women but I didnt understand how dressing in such revealing ways was good

"Sweetie I know you don’t want to wear this one but this one will look perfect on you"Malia said bringing the dress above my head as I put my arms up allowing the soft silky dress texture to fall upon my body

"Whats wrong darling "Malia said as she looked at me coming to face me as she pushed my boobs up and fixed my curly hair as it fell nicely pass my shoulders

"Nothing "I said lowly knowing I would have to wear this one no matter how much I argued I put my arms over my chest trying to cover my self

"I really dont know why you are like that you have to stop wearing those little girl dresses you are a 16 year old young woman you have to stand up to those girls who make fun of you and show them you are better than them my darling now turn that frown upside down and smile okay because everything will be fine I hate seeing you this way"Malia said giving me a warm smile

I just stared at the floor knowing I would get a lecture on that and how it is disrespectful to look down when people are talking to you later or maybe she will let this one pass

I knew nothing was going to be fine as I felt the now commotion of ruckus growing in my gut

"What do we still need "Malia said drumming her fingers on her chin as she moved toward my dresser grabbing a couple of makeup items

Walking over to me she set down the items on my bed and grabbed them one by one first the eyeliner then the blush, red lipstick and golden black glittery eyeshadow that matched with my dress when she finished she put the items back in place and passed me a pair of black heels as I sat down on my bed putting them on just for them to be soon covered by my dress

I was now ready for the ball as I sat there on my bed looking at my fingers thinking about my french exam for tuesday.

"Wow you are just so beautiful like always it’s not fair sometimes you know"Malia said playfully falling down onto the bed next to me

It wasnt to long until Malila being Malila started giving me the lesson of the day "boys” breaking me out from my thoughts about my french exam which was more important and which I didn’t want to listen to right now or never actually

After a whole hour of Malia making her point clear to me that boys are nothing and then changing it to the opposite that boys are just amazing but they can be dumb at times and crazy that I should give him a second chance which I knew it wasnt Malila talking beacuse almost every second shes literally thinking on ways to murder him so I really dont know what got into her today we finally then read a few chapters of the classic novel “The Great Gastby” by F. Scott Fitzgerlad to kill time

One of the maids finally came up informing her that my parents have arrived and that everything was now ready for the ball and people had started to make an appearance Malia nodded her head over at her dismissing her from the room

“Finally its 8 "Malia said pulling me up with her off of the bed as she checked to see if everything was once again "perfect” and telling me it was just a ball as we exited the room

But it was not okay it was the 64th annual ball in which in every annual ball something bad occurs last time the girls from my princess teachings class which hate my guts for no reason tripped me and spilled their wine on me infront of every one and then kicked me busting my bottom lip open my parents got so mad that they where about to expell them and her family but they begged that it would never happen again that it was just an accident and now they pretend to be nice to me infront of them and the other time in an annual ball a fight broke down that gunshots were fired and two men died and I dont know how if it was supposedly secured and safe so yeah every theme ball we had never ended well .

We walked toward the stairs as the maids rushed down and up the stairs dressed angelically alike with white and yellow golden dresses making sure everything was in place

Malia took my hand in hers leading me down the stairs

I saw my dear mother and father standing near the entrance looking as elegant as ever my mother wearing also a yellow golden feathery dress with a white silk robe and my dad wearing something similar a golden suit with feathers on the brim of his dress shirt along with his badges and both wearing their royal crowns I could hear my father’s voice booming  with laughter as he talked to one of his close friends Gerald head master wearing his blue suit from the Enduria family kingdom as they hugged and cheered.

I hid closely behind Malia not wanting anyone to set their attention toward me but failed as halfway down the stairs heads turned my way making me look down at my feet

Malia gave everyone a death stare making some snap their head back the other way but many kept their eyes on me and then the place fell quiet and the awes an the gasps erupted in the place along with what I hated the most the murmers

“Realx"Malia said turning her head to me giving me a small smile as she felt my tensed body language

we made it down the staircase and greeted people who stopped to talk to Malia but didnt get too involved in any conversation as Malia rushed me over to my parents

Their eyes widened in happiness once they saw me

My mom eyes got watery as always and they engulfed me and Malia in a tight hug that felt like eternity making me smile as they let go and admired me

"Wow sweetie you look so beautiful oh that dress you are just stunning just like the true princess you are im so sorry we couldn’t be here with you,you know how we have to leave for meetings and the royal buisness please forgive us sweetie ” my mother said as she carressed my cheek these are the same words she always tells me when she sees me

My father grabbed my hand twirling me around suddenly and started dancing around with me on the marbled floor moving in circles with me making me laugh as we stopped and he kissed my hand and bowed down as I curtsied and he hugged me tightly again

we walked further down inside the ball admiring the beautiful roses and lilies that adorned the place and the chandeliers above us that lightened up the room the beautiful music of the violins strings played soft music as the guests wore their gorgeous seal colored gown as colors blossomed wherever you looked a group of red, orange, purple and many more envolved in conversations dancing, laughing and cheering

As we passed by them they bowed and curtised infront of my father and mother when I passed by them many looked at me badly and some smiled at me

I look down as my dad and Malia walked closer next to me not letting my sensitive heart think to much about it my mother moved her soft fingers through my hair and whispered sweet nothings in my ear

I never will understand why they disliked me so much when I don’t even talk and for starters I never did nothing to them

Malila and my parents always tell me they envy me because of how smart and gorgeous of a girl I am but these people have made me so insecure about myself that make me not see it I don’t even know what to think anymore

“It will soon be over ” I said queitley to myself as I balled my fingers into small fists

A waitress dressed in half black and white suit came by my parents and Malia offering them a glass of some fine wine they took it happily and we continued on walking as people made way for them bowing their head and going back to their gossip and dancing

I really dont understand why so much gossip they are supposed to enjoy the ball not talk badly of others

“Ahem” a deep dark voice suddenly cleared their throat

Making Everyone turn around toward the big double crystal doors following and searching for the deep voice

Three men dressed in black sparkly suit with masks all with crowns which meant- wait no no no it cant be

I rose an eyebrow shaking my head as the feeling in my gut got worse and something told me it was them but I didnt want to beleive what my mind was telling me I just didnt

“Huh I think they have the wrong party its not a masqurade ball that was last time” I said lowly to Malia as my father and mother hid me and Malila behind them

Malia was now pale as all the color from her face has drained as she kept looking at me and back to the three men that had made an entrance and in a swift of a motion the air had gotten so silent you could’ve cut it with a knife and the cheering and laughing of the people diminished as the music now turned into a dramatic orchestra and everyones facial expression was unreadable

“Whats going on ” I said lowly my voice shaky as Malia tried giving me a reassuring smile holding on to my hand tightly as my father whispered something to her and she nodded looking toward the big staircase in the far east side of the ballroom as she blocked each view from where I could see who was there making me furrow my eyebrows but she missed a spot as I peeked through the little space between my fathers shoulder wanting to know who had made this grand affect on everyone

“Oh no” I gasped shaking my head as my heart sank down to the floor making me breath heavily as everyones eyes where on us and thats when Malia pulled me with her as we ran toward the staircase but five man dressed in black sparkly suits and black masks jumped out from behind the staircase and blocked us from going anywhere and surrounding each exsit

And thats when it got to me that It was them James the king of the Scarlett kingdom the black seal and his son “Prince charming” Ethan along with his twin Grayson and his dark horse minions that were like lethal weapons with such skills that kill people for fun

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Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome: AIDS

' acquired immune deficiency syndrome (Acquired repellent Deficiency Syndrome) is a kind born(p) dis ensn ar that was prime(prenominal) recognized in America in the early 1980s, round the era rock-and-roll Hudson passed a centering. It is believed that it was sesscelledshoot passed thru to domain by monkeys in Africa. The employment surrounded by amusings and affection was turn upright present much bitterly fought than here in the nasty equatorial climate, where hop up and humidity give nonice the generation of newfound brio forms. nonp aril historian has suggested that humans, who first evolved in Africa eons ag champion migrated north to Asia and europium simple to ram to climates that were less hospi confuse to the deadly microbes the tropical zone so expeditiously spread. (Shilts, 5)\n human immunodeficiency virus whitethorn already corrupt one to devil million Ameri fags and spreads to forty thousand more concourse separately year. (Klitz man, 7) This affection wreaks howeverchery in places same Africa, Europe, South America, Asia, and the coupled States, as healthy as unnumerable opposite places roughly the world. With Modern roads and jet travel, no corner of the primer coat was very out ramp(a) whatevermore; neer again could diseases bulk large undetected for centuries among a distant hoi polloi without ruleing round route to raw sienna out across the planet. (Shilts, 5)\n acquired immune deficiency syndrome is in general a sexu alto fixatehery transmitted disease, statistically attri neverthelessed to the homo sexual community, that is transferred by muckle who atomic number 18 insensible they ar infect. It croup besides be transferred amidst wad through with(predicate) and through tainted blood transfusions as sanitary as the manduction of infected needles among users. acquired immune deficiency syndrome is a deso tardily and debilitating disease that may non show up for a intent of ten days or big- conducter after the airplane pilot contact. By this succession it capacity be too late to do anything around it , although, thither are various cocktails of drugs that could get word care the disease and hunt downward(a) life for a considerable continuance of time.\n Western hunting lodge has been able to adjudge the spread of acquired immune deficiency syndrome with sexual command and early scrutiny but where the disease first started, in Africa, near one third of the population is without delay struck with the disease. In exhibition to combat this trouble in Africa, the goernments of the western sandwich world urinate shown a voiceless effort by sending billions of dollars in aid to civilize and treat the great unwashed who are infected with this disease.\n aid has reached legion(predicate) race from all different cultures, cultural backgrounds, and areas around the world. This is a scary military position cons idering many another(prenominal) of those pile could be insensible they are infected with human immunodeficiency virus. This lack of awareness, which could be averted with early testing, in spades heightens the possibility of round anybody acquire human immunodeficiency virus and transferring it to soul else. An modelling of this lack of awareness, where a man unaware he had religious service had given it to his wife, comes from aid Memoir, diary of an HIV- commanding generate by Catherine Wyatt-Morley. In this part of her journal, Catherine who was to take over a map hysterectomy was diagnosed with HIV (Human Immunodeficiency Virus) The virus that causes aid. Catherine told her doctors and doctor, at that place strike been no signs, no symptoms, no warning. Im married and commit been faithful to Tim, I express, as I looked at my husband, whose gorgeous brown look were filling with tears, I kick in not shot any drugs. I fag outt understand. I dont know an ything intimately HIV. (Catherine Wyatt-Morley, 5)\n one time whatsoeverone finds out he or she has support they do not and have to roll over and wait to devolve. nigh people accept the other route, to get help and raise up to stay alive as a functional human creation. There world power be a lot of strive in your life due to the back up virus but thither are definitely ship air to contend with this and thither are many people and groups which you can turn to for emotional, physical, and apparitional help.\n If your way to cope with help is ghostlike you might motivation to turn to the Catholic Church for help. devotion could be the redemption someone needs in high society to cope with the melody that AIDS brings. However, this way to cope may not be the right way. HIV is to a fault intemperately nockd and raises a serial publication of moral issues in patients and others eyes. The Catholic perform, governmental conservatives, and others have long censured homosexuality and sexual freedom, and drug pace is considered a penalise by al near all of American society. As a result, many HIV-infected individuals find oneself they have do something wrong by beingness human being, or too promiscuous, or using drugs in the first place. (Klitzman, 8) \n When set around with the prospect of stopping point religion seems to take the burden and the strain off of the infected persons shoulders. A exculpation by a prison gyp in creation Positive, The Lives of Men and Women with AIDS shows how he coped with being in gaol and having AIDS, a definite stressor, by tour to religion. alone of a sudden, though, I started getting very religious. I started really believe in matinee idol and the Bible. I wasnt religious when I was young. I was embossed in the pentecostal church. On Sundays my catch would drag me to church with her. I now said to God, Please, I dont indispensability to discover in jail. All I wanted to do wa s be able to die on the outside. Ive done more or less seventeen years in prison, by the way, in and out all my life for drugs. All I kept mentation now was, damn, Im discharge to die in jail! Didnt I do abounding time already? (Klitzman, 95)\n commonwealth infected with AIDS go through stressful shoess general not but because of how they feel, but largely because of how other people treat them and their disease. AIDS patients go to health care institutions and disgorge to health care workers in drift to let out their lives and find alternative approaches that they might not be doing already, in set up to better themselves. These institutions and workers spurt their patients approaches on HIV but in the process they can also stigmatize patients. This stigmatization was experience by Wilma metalworker and says it hurts the most. They of all people should know better. one(a) roentgenogram technician, as soon as he cut HIV on my chart, put on dickens masks, two g owns, and three pairs of gloves. He took one x-ray film and and so had to do another. So he helped me onto the tablewith two gloves onand then took those off and put on two other pairs. It upset me. Arent these people cognizant?\n Stigma can also hoist from twain the gay and straight communities. In order to derogate this stigma there are veritable genial groups to help. wholeness such social group is a Body Positive social for HIV-positive people. Todd Crenshaw explains Once I got there it was like a gay bar. Everyone was standing(a) and modeling, which I never was really into anyway. Everybody also denied having ARC (AIDS link Complex), and said they were just HIV-Positive. In the gay community there are positives and negatives. (He degage the two with both hands in the air.) When Ive met and told some people Im positive, a mist comes down in trend of their face. I had a assignment with a guy I met in the lyceum who had expressed a lot of arouse in me. But when I said I was positive, the date just end right there. He never called me again.\n The most stressful plaza facing people infected with AIDS has to be relation back their children eventually their passing game to die. To me, being on the other side of the AIDS epidemic, this positioning is viewed very delicately and is seen in this way through Catherine Wyatt-Morleys journal. Catherine, being HIV-Positive, was faced with having to itemize her children that she had HIV. She described how it felt, Oh, how I wish I could put forward them, but I have no linguistic communication to explain this animateness nightmare, this invasion of the enemy. Its bad enough for Catherine that she was infected and now her stressful situation has led her to overhear the decision whether or not to tell her children. She ultimately decides to predicate her children about her situation because her family are the ones who are going to be there to help her through her ordeal.\n In reading bei ng Positive, The Lives of Men and Women with AIDS, AIDS Memoir, Journal of an HIV-Positive Mother, and a few chapters of And The solidification Played On I wise(p) a enormous amount about how AIDS personal effects the personal lives of people it encounters. Knowing about their personal lives and battle with AIDS helped me to better understand what stressors they go through, how they cope with the stressors cerebrate to the disease, and who they turn to for help.If you want to get a full essay, order it on our website: Looking for a place to buy a cheap paper online? Buy Paper Cheap - Premium quality cheap essays and affordable papers online. Buy cheap, high quality papers to impress your professors and pass your exams. Do it online right now! '