#wasn’t writing poetry about death and the cruelty of the world and the passage of time by age 10 and

[danandfuckingjonlmao]

whenever dan and phil say words i remember misha collins coming out as straight and think, maybe if we’re really good, that could be dnp too 🙏

[abluescarfonwaston]

Lettenhove Au

Part 1

When somebody loved me.

Geralt was staring at the clothing the staff had placed out for him. It likely wouldn’t fit. Not until they had it significantly tailored. He turned when he heared him enter. Relief. Hope. Fear. He could catalog each emotion perfectly as they flit across Geralt’s face.

He’d had plenty of time to learn.

“You may stay until spring.” He stated. “You will act as my bodyguard until then and in return I’ll make sure you two get safe passage to Skellige. Nilfgaard won’t find you there.”

“Jaskier-“ He started. Stepping towards him in his towel.

“Names are important.”

Everything was beautiful.

“Julian.” He grit like a curse. “Come with us. You hate this place.” He looked around like he expected a monster to jump from the wooden paneling. “I know that.” He said like he meant I know you.

He plastered on the noble smile that was all politeness and cruelty. “Come now. We must all face our fates eventually. You’ve found yours. I have mine.” He pulled his bathrobe from the drawers and handed it to Geralt. “We’ll have your uniform tailored in the morning.”

Every hour we spent together lives within my heart.

“Julek!” His mother crossed the room to hold him in her arms. It always struck him how much smaller and greyer she was even after all these months. “You finally listened to me! Thank you. You’re doing my old heart such a kindness. I know you don’t think you’re in danger but-“

It wasn’t that he didn’t think he was in danger. He just didn’t care. Nilfgaard would overtake them in a year or two anyway. No bodyguard would save him or his people from their destruction.

“Of course Mother. Hired the best of the best. Rest easy.” He kissed her crown and waltzed her back to the desk. “What else needs doing?” Because there was always more that needed doing. Even though he was just a Viscount.

She looked down at stacks of papers that had accumulated on the desk in the years since his Father had passed. Then back up at him. “You’ve done enough for one day.” But not enough to make up for all the days he’d missed. “Will you play for me tonight instead?”

His heart twisted in his feeble chest. Not tonight. He wanted to say. You can burn the fucking lute. Said another part of him.

“Father wouldn’t like that.” He weakly protested.

“I won’t tell him.” She promised. Hope, excitement in her eyes.

His shoulders fell. “Alright. I’ll hold you to that Mum.”

And when he was sad. I was there to dry his tears.

“They took my cloak Geralt! It’s all I had left and they took it and-“

He knocked quietly. They stopped. It opened.

“Jas-“ He cut himself off. “Julian.”

He stepped in around him and closed the door. “In the morning you two will have to play your roles well. You will do your work eagerly and without complaint. Kerack does not have the army to protect you if Nilfgaard realizes you’re here. Lettenhove certainly doesn’t.”

The poor girl look exhausted. On the verge of tears.

He knelt in front of her. “Princess I can’t give you your cloak back but I will send it ahead to Skellige and it will be waiting for you there.”

“Why?” Geralt asked him. “It’s just a cloak.”

He looked at the floor next to Geralt. Keeping him in just the corner of his eye. “It’s Cintrian blue. I could tell that even through the mud. It makes you a target if nothing else. It makes this entire country a target.”

They couldn’t afford to be a target.

He stood to his full height. Turned to Geralt at last.

His hair was shorter now. Matts and dirt and perhaps even lice had necessitated it. A younger version of him would have apologized. Ran his hands through it. Spent hours trying to salvage its length. Geralt kept it long for a reason.

He didn’t know the reason. But he knew there was one. That was enough.

“I promised you a place to stay if ever you could not make it to Kaer Morhen for the winter.” He knew that was why Geralt had come. The trust or hope that despite it all his promise from years ago still held true. “But I’ve also promised to protect these people. Do not make me choose which to uphold.”

His eyes were solemn when he nodded.

And when he was happy so was I.

“Why does your Mother think you need a bodyguard?” He asked when they were alone in his office.

“Dangerous times.” Was all he offered.

He didn’t talk about the assassin who’d pressed the blade to his throat until a kitchen worker had crushed the man’s head with a frying pan. Or the meals that had left him pallid and shaking. He did not explain how court was at least as dangerous as any bog or mountain they’d traversed over the years.

“More heartbroken ladies huh?” Geralt remarked offhandedly.

He stopped reading. Forest. Was the last word. It burned into his eyes.

“Ah yes. I am a cynic, a lecher, a womanizer, and a liar. There is nothing complicated about me.” He echoed Geralt’s words from an inn they’d shared long ago. “How could I forget?”

“Jaskier-“

“You will address me by my title or you will not address me at all.”

“You’re still mad at me.”

Of course I’m still mad. You haven’t even bothered to apologize. You’ve made no effort at all. You’ve shown up at my doorstep pulling favors that you should have lost the right to when you took life’s one blessing. Hissed the part of him that was.

He looked out at the dark varnish of his father’s office. In a few years’ time this place would very likely be his grave as Nilfgaard claimed this land with blood and fire.

He didn’t care.

This place would be his grave and he didn’t care.

It was here or at some cuckholds hands or at the bottom of a bottle of wine.

Death had always nipped at his heels. He was just done running.

“What’s the most important thing in the world?” He’d rambled in Geralt’s direction once. “Friendship.” He’d answered himself. “Friendship and love. Oh and wine.”

Well look how all of that had worked out. His closest friend was a man who did not care for him. Every woman he’d loved he’d cheated on until they could love him no more.

Because he wasn’t made for any of that. Not love. Not friendship.

“Duty. Honor. Our people.” His father had said. “Get your head out of the clouds and think of them.”

At least he always had the wine.

“No.” He answered honestly. The hollow in his chest outweighed the spark of anger a thousand to one. “I know you. I know why you said it. I know the motivations and pain and fears that spurred every word.”

He dipped the quill in the ink-pot and signed. Geralt stayed silent behind him.

“I know you, Geralt of Rivia, perhaps better than you know yourself. So I am not mad.”

He let Geralt brood behind him as he read the next document. Shook his head and moved it to the reject pile. He’d have to write a letter altering the terms later. They didn’t charge Witchers that much for food.

How dumb did they think he was?

“You’re upset. I know it.” Geralt ground his teeth together. “I know you.”

He sighed. He was so tired. “Did you? Do you?” He shook his head. “What do you want Geralt?”

He knew what Geralt wanted. There were several answers and he knew each one.

To keep her safe. Warm. Fed. That was perhaps the most honest answer he could give.

To not be alone. To face raising his daughter on his own this winter without the support of his family. He was terrified and seeking support was another.

I want nothing. He could lie. It was a favorite lie.

“We needed help.” He answered honestly. They did need help. More than he could provide. “And. I missed you Jaskier.”

Did you? Did you miss me? Or just what I provided for you in coin and comfort?

“I will help you, as I have promised.” He began to draft a letter to Baron Oliwier. “But there is no one here by that name.”

He could hear Geralt’s jaw clenching in protest.

“I told you. If I go home I will never come back.” He plotted out the words in careful tongue. “There is no running from destiny. This is mine.”

“Have you given up on poetry then?” Geralt snapped. “You plan on being a miserable old man?”

No. I plan on dying young. He didn’t say.

“You always told me I needed to grow up.”

The fireplace crackled and his quill quietly moved across the page. It sounded like a thousand nights they shared under a starry sky.

And it felt as if he were still all alone in the world.

When he loved me.

[dykebush]

All the botanical asks you haven’t got yet

lia that’s so many 😳 

lavender; soundcloud or vinyls?

soundcloud, i don’t have the money for vinyls, but if i had the money for them then vinyls 

primrose; what book does everyone right now need to read?

i can’t think of any lol 

lunar mist; do you like wearing other people’s shirts/jackets?

yeah

bird of paradise; what was the best thing that happened to you this month?

i hung out with my friends yesterday! also November 5th was incredibly funny

gardenia; what’s a promise you’ve recently made to yourself? 

i promised to be nicer to myself, and to exercise every day, and to get a job, and to write more

whirling butterflies; would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

have not kissed 

marmalade skies; do you plan your outfits? 

sort of? 

apricot drift; how do you feel right now? 

a bit tired! also a bit annoyed at the universe because I keep dropping and breaking things lmao (I dropped a glass lid everywhere and then kept stepping on glass as I was cleaning it, and then spilled water everywhere) 

everlasting daisy; what’s the last dream you remember having?

recurring apocalypse dream, I don’t remember the specifics 

queen’s cup; what are you craving right now?

chocolate 

lavender dream; turn ons/offs?

uhhhh i don’t like most perfume smells, or specific sudden loud noises

water lily; when was the last time you cried? why?

i cried a little bit yesterday when I was watching bly manor, but it wasn’t a full on cry

lily of the valley; did the one person who hurt you most in your life apologize?

no, but I don’t expect one, i’ve moved on 

winterberry; do you bite or lick your ice cream?

both 

desert rose; do you like yourself?

a little bit more every day. two steps forward one step back 

snapdragon; have you ever met or seen in person a celebrity?

nope 

night owl; how many countries have you visited?

5, i think? excluding one flight layover  

heliotrope; have you ever been in a castle? 

yes! in Germany 

creams and sky; what’s the craziest/bravest thing you’ve done?

idk if i’ve done anything really 

lantana; what’s on your mind right now?

the mini nanowrimo i thought I would start, that I haven’t written anything for (10k words in two weeks) 

pumpkin patch; what’s your zodiac sign?

aquarius sun, sagittarius rising, scorpio moon

tulip; name 5 facts about yourself.

1. i love rollercoasters, 2. i love love, 3. i cut my hair the other day, 4. i overheat easily, 5. i am a bad actor 

daphne; do you believe in karma?

yep! even if not in a spiritual sense, I think that being kind can bring kindness back to you, and being cruel can bring cruelty back to you 

queen of the meadow; ever been in love? 

perhaps, but I might be wrong 

wisteria; whom do you admire and why?

someone I once knew, they are good at making boundaries 

angel’s face; what was your favorite bedtime story as a child?

i don’t remember 

remember me; did you make someone laugh today? 

hannibal played by mass mikkelsen 

lilac; if you could go back in time which time period would you visit?

hmmmm 1920s? 1980s? 

caramel kisses; would you want to live forever? why/why not? 

i would want to be immortal until I want to die. there’s so many things that I want to experience! but I don’t want to live FOREVER, that’s too long 

primula; what makes you sad?

a lot of things. there’s a lot to be sad about, especially this year

rain lily; was today typical? why/why not? 

it’s typical of the holidays, i’ve spent the morning watching netflix

queen anne’s lace; who do you trust the most?

damn idk that’s a loaded question. next 

forget me not; do you have any regrets looking back in your life?

yes lol many 

lunaria; what’s your favorite fictional universe? 

honestly? rise of the guardians 

violet; favorite tv show? 

doctor who is my favourite comfort show, but i have a lot of shows that i love like dghda and bly manor 

snowdrop; what does your ideal day look like?

visiting a theme park with someone i love, and then we have a picnic, maybe on the beach. it’s sunny and there’s a nice breeze. then we go for a drive along the coast and listen to music together. we get home and it starts storming so we hang out together and watch movies 

tiger lily; do you have any hobbies? 

knitting! i started a blanket in the Irish moss stitch :) i like writing too. i also like baking and cooking, and i sometimes pick up guitar and ukulele and duolingo. um also games. 

peony; share a small random book passage that means something to you. 

there’s a bit in the book thief by markus zusak where Death describes the colours of the sky 

tea rose; what’s something you always wanted to do but were too scared? 

can’t think of anything rn 

honeysuckle; do you usually date people your age or older/younger? 

i’ve only “dated” one person and they were my age. i’m not really into dating people older or younger 

love in the mist; best books you’ve ever read? 

i literally cannot remember and I'm too lazy to try and remember 

foxglove; who is your favorite cartoon character?

dr doofenshmirtz 

magnolia; coffee or tea?

both! i love coffee!! i also love tea!! i’m a multifaceted person 

crown imperial; would you rather be extremely rich or extremely loved?

extremely loved. but if i had a lot of money i could help a lot of people 

snowflake; are you a dog or a cat person? 

both! 

bell flower; what is your biggest addiction? 

don’t judge me lmao i am addicted to asmr, it makes my brain go brrrr

cosmos; do you ever think about the galaxy? 

all the time

moonflower; what’s your favorite color?

yellow, but also pink, and blue, and so many others 

freesia; do you have a good relationship with your parents and siblings? why/why not? 

yes, they always try to be good people. also i just generally get along with them 

poppy; have you ever dealt with a mental illness?

perhaps. i think so yeah. self diagnosed. i’ve gotten pretty good at dealing with it over the years 

clover; how would your friends describe you?

uhhhhhh idk quirky? 🤪 i don’t know. 

dandelion; do you consider yourself an extrovert or an introvert?

introvert, i’m good at spending a lot of time alone, and that’s how i recharge. but i still enjoy people’s presence. i think the words extrovert and introvert are uhhh misnomers? it’s like asking if you prefer the darkness or the brightness. there’s different shades of light on a spectrum 

lilly; what’s something you love watching/reading but you are too embarrassed to admit you do?

asmr but i’m only tentatively embarrassed 

anemone; describe yourself in 3 words.

weird, eclectic, trying 

lotus; best memory as a child?

can’t remember much, but i can remember that time i went on the green lantern rollercoaster at movie world like 4 times 

angelonia; what is your eye and hair color?

brown, dark brown/black 

dahlia; do you like crystals?

yeah, not really in jewellery (it tends to look a little tacky (not always!)) but i like crystals :) 

buttercup; if you could change one thing in the world, what would it be?

stop overall suffering. it’s not one thing, it’s a series of things: war, poverty, food deserts, etc. um if i had to choose one i’d make it so that there’s a reliable source of water available to everyone 

baby’s breath; what’s your hogwarts house?

hufflepuff 

calendula; biggest pet peeve? 

people who have a very different sense of personal space to me and don’t respect mine 

blanker flower; would you rather go to a cocktail party with your best friends or stay home and read a book/watch a movie with your pet?

hm stay home? but also i want to hang out with my friends. i haven’t been to a cocktail party before with friends 

blazing star; share a secret.

scroll through my old blog, i’ve blurted a lot of secrets on there 

carnation; would you rather live longer or happier?

happier 

bluebell; do you wear glasses? 

nope

orchid; do you like exercise?

depends on your definition of “like”. I like the benefits, the after effects. if i’m walking, i like the time alone, and the time out in nature and on the street 

pansy; do you like poetry?

yes duh i’m a poet 

morning glory; any special talent that you have? 

adapting

botanical asks