#we did see bob that one time ilu bob

[gaydelgard]

rachel aaron parades ghost out for every new book like hey yall check this out you seen the empty wind

[aokoaoi]

◗ pairing's :: ao'nung x fem!reader.

◗ warning's :: avatar the way of water spoilers. not proofread.

◗ author's note :: i genuinely don't know how to end this series lmao😭 i can just see this series getting a sequel after avatar 3 as well, but the wait is too long💀

◗ taglist :: @eywas-daughter @flyingmushroomss @raven887209 @bakugounuggets @kadu-5607 @izanawifesblog @em-asian @tzurue @writelikenobody @riotgirlsims @an0th3rsss @fucksnow

"Brothers!" You exclaimed as you spot them under a boat. Ao'nung follows you as neared your brothers and the human, patting Lo'ak at the back as he hops onto your Ilu. You glanced at Neteyam watching as he grunted, spitting out water coming into his mouth while his hand grasped his shoulder.

"Neteyam—? Are you alright?" You immediately questioned, worry settling at the pits of your stomach. Neteyam looked down at his shoulder, slowly removing his hand from it as a bloodied shot was revealed.

You winced at the sight, and you dropped into the water to help the boy into your Ilu. "I'm fine." Neteyam grunts at you, slightly glaring. You only ignored him, reaching for your braid as you hung beside your Ilu's torso while Neteyam was the one riding your Ilu.

Lo'ak leads you two by a rock, outstretching Neteyam's arms around his shoulders as he dragged the wounded boy gently down. You hurriedly untied a long cloth that you tied around your Ilu's handle, squishing the cloth in between your hands to dry it out.

Neteyam sits down on the rock, looking at his bleeding wound with a wince. You crouched down beside him, folding the cloth into an appropriate fold to wrap it around your brothers wound. You bob your head at him, masking your concern.

"Lift your arms slightly." You instructed. Lo'ak helps Neteyam lift his arm, a small gap enough for you to wrap how it seemed appropriate, glancing at the boy once in a while as he let's out pained grunts. You tightly tied the ends of the cloth after wrapping it around his wound, tucjing it away as you liked your lips, now noticing your father approaching you.

"What's wrong here?," he immediately asks, alerted by the scene in front of him. He sees Neteyam's bandaged shoulder, and alarms started going off in his head. He drops his gun down, crouching in front of his son as he inspected the wrap you've done.

He pressed on the bandage, and Neteyam groans at his action, instinctively pushing his father's hands away. "Hurts?" Your father asks. Neteyam nods his head at his question, and your father looks at you.

He ruffled your hair, "Good job, (name). Now, look after him, and make sure he doesn't get himself shot again. Hear me, child?" You obediently nodded, your ears twitching as you heard the sound of wings flapping near you.

"Mother." You called out, but she only goes past you and checks up on Neteyam.

"Who did this to you?" She growls, looking at Neteyam straight in the eyes. Neteyam stayed silent, his eyes avoiding his mother's scary gaze as he wasn't sure who had shot him as well. You looked at your father, grabbing his attention as you remembered the missing presence of certain girls.

"Father, Kiri has been taken away." You spoke up, earning both adults attentions. Your mother stands up, gripping her bow as she was outraged by the words you've just said. "Tuk— Tuktirey is missing too, but the last time i saw her was when we were escaping from the submarines." You added, concern coursing through your veins.

"Tuktirey got taken away again?" Lo'ak questioned. He and the two girls, Tsireya and Tuktirey had been saved earlier by his brother, and he could remember seeing Tsireya take the girl away before he took his brother with him to save Spider.

Your father inhales sharply, his hands coming up to your shoulder as he was obviously gonna order you something again. "Do you know where Kiri got taken away?"

"It was an Ikran that took her away, and the animal dropped her by the boat. That's all I know." You answered truthfully, ears drooping back. And in timing, your father's earpiece rings and a voice was heard from the other side.

"I heard you." Your father speaks. Your eyes flickered all over his face, confused, "Pa, what—"

"They have our daughters." Your mother growls lowly at his words, tail flicking to the side. Her grip on her bow was so tight to the point it could snap in between her hold, as a fire ignites inside her. A fierce fire to protect her children.

Your mother walks away without a word, eyes dim and blank as she reached behind her back, grabbing her braid as she made the bond with her Ikran. She takes flight into the air, nearing the boat.

"Stay with your brother." Your father orders you and Lo'ak, but you see him open his mouth to say something. You turn around to face him, glaring, "That's enough, Lo'ak. You're staying here." You slightly hissed your words out, watching as he pursed his lips into a thin line.

Spider speaks to your father, saying things that involved of Kiri and Tuktirey's location and you watched as the human leaves with your father. You turned back to your brother, wanting to check up on him. "Brother?" You called out.

He hums, looking at you weakly.

"Are you alright? Are you still hurting?"

He sighs, slightly grinning at your concern. "You worry too much, sis. Just relax for a moment.." he caresses your hand, feeling your finger twitch at his warmth.

"Relax..? Brother, you have been shot, and you're telling me to relax and stop worrying?" You incredulously questioned him, watching as he nodded his head cooly. "Exactly." You scoffed at his words.

"Such an idiot." You slightly grin, hearing a small bubble of laughter escapes his throat. Your smile dropped as you hear your friends from behind you call out Lo'ak's name, leaving you and Neteyam to look confused.

You see Lo'ak diving into the water, escaping with his Ilu. You stood up hurriedly, watching the bubbles rise up into the water from where he dived with a scowl. You fisted your hands tightly, your own nails clawing at your palms as you cursed every single cuss there was to exist in your head, growling in distaste.

"Does it kill him to obey my words?! It's not that hard to listen!" You hissed, shoving away the hand that teaches up to your shoulder. You glared at whoever that was, your ears drooping down when you realized it was Ao'nung. You blinked twice, now realizing that Tsireya has arrived at the scene as well.

"He will be fine, (name). That skxawng can take care of himself." Tsireya perks up, giving you a weak reassuring smile. She didn't know her words as true, as she was just as worried as you.

You took a step back slightly when an explosion ignites from the boat, your ears and tail limping at the sight of smoke reaching up into the dark skies. You bit your lip, shutting your eyes as you tried to think of positive thoughts while shoving away all the thoughts making you more and more nervous.

Ao'nung notices your panicking, and decided to step in. He goes in front of you, holding your shoulders as he observed your shut eyes, ragged breathing and fiddling fingers. "Hey, hey. It's gonna be okay." His words brought you back to reality, your eyes opening, revealing your glossy glistening eyes.

"Breathe, (nickname)," he instructed. You watched as he inhaled, waiting for you to do the same. When you followed his actions weakly, he let's out a deep exhale, and you did the same. You do the same for a few while, until you finally got to steady your breathing. He smiled at you, wrapping an arm around your shoulders as he averts your attention from the boat.

"I hope those demons meet Satan himself in their afterlife." You whispered, but it was heard from the rest of the group. They silently agreed to your words, encouraging your brutal thoughts if it was gonna help you calm down.

A few torturous minutes had passed, and a fire begun on the water, surrounding the ship. Lo'ak hadn't returned yet, and so did the rest of the family. The boat was beginning to sink, and it had toppled over. All you could do was watch it all happen, and you couldn't do anything to help.

Neteyam holds you beside him as you buried your face on the crook of his neck, feeling your cold, shuddering breath hitting his skin. He watched as the boat was now fully submerged into the water, tears stinging his eyes as he desperately looked around for the sight of his family.

Your ears twitched as it catches the sound of a small gasp, making you slightly open your eye's. You see the water surrounding the rock you were standing on glowing, and when you adjusted your eyes at the scene you realized it was the glowing fishes Kiri took a favor of.

You trailed over the direction it came from, seeing how it was from where the boat sank, and you immediately let out a sigh of relief. That can mean Kiri is most likely alive. You left Neteyam's side, crouching down on the rocks sharp surface as you watched the fishes with a relaxed smile.

"What's happening?" You hear Rotxo voice out his confusion.

"It's Kiri." You answered him, a sliver of hope still present in you. Tsireya let's out a delighted sigh at your words, her hand coming down to her chest, over her heart. "Thank you, Greatmother." She whispered, bowing her head slightly.

Dipping your hand into the water, you let the fishes dance around your skin, their fins slightly brushing against your palms.

"Papa!" You exclaimed, relief coursing through your body as you ran into your father, tightly embracing him in a warm hold. The side of your head rests on his chest as one of his arm wraps around your shoulder, giving you a small squeeze before you let go.

Your mother then holds you into her arms, slightly sniffling as she takes in your scent, her hand on the back of your head. "Sweet girl, im so happy." She whispered into your ears, softly smiling at you. Your parents walked towards Neteyam checking up on him, as well as giving him the same affection you just received.

Walking towards your siblings, you let Tuktirey smash onto your torso as she cried into your stomach. Your hand rubbed on her head, whispering comforting words at her as she continued to sniffle. You carried her in your arms with one hand, letting her cling onto you like a Koala as you slapped the back of Lo'ak's head.

He let's out a wince, rubbing where you hit him while giving you an apologetic look. "Moron. You had me crying when you guys didn't return." You slightly hissed, seeing how he took your words seriously.

"I'm sorry."

You clicked your tongue, rolling your eyes. But despite that, you grabbed him by the arm and held him next to you, squeezing his shoulders. Lo'ak slight chuckles at your actions, finding your acts of affection foreign to him. Kiri cooes at you before she attacked you three with her hugs, which resulted to Neteyam doubling Kiri's same actions.

Tuktirey yelps at her older brothers acts, feeling herself get crushed by Neteyam's weight as he tried to fit all of his siblings in one hug. Tsireya sniffs at the scene in front of her, making Ao'nung side eye her, contemplating if he should comfort her or not.

You let yourself sink into your siblings touches, clenching your jaws as you tried not to cried right then and there. Your heart ached from how you were simply so happy of your family surviving the events, so happy you were given the chance to spend more time with them.

You couldn't imagine yourself on your own in the future, you couldn't bare to even think about it. Your family is so dear to you. You wished this moment would last forever. You wished that same events earlier would never happen ever again. You wished time would go back from before, when it was just you and your family in the forest, before the sky-people returned.

Smiling at her children, Neytiri let's a lone tear escape her eyes as she repeatedly thanks the Greatmother for bringing her family together once again.

You hoped this moment wouldn't end. You wanted to stay like this forever. Where you and your family are back to their simple livestyles, where they were all happy together and those demons never existed. You wanted to live in peace again.

You inhaled the fresh air of the village, a smile forming on your face as you watched the clan go on with their daily lives. It had already been a few weeks after the attack of the RDA, and your brother was slowly healing from his wounds. You buried your feet into the sand, toes hidden under the small particles.

A sound from nearby catches your attention, and you turned to see Ao'nung approaching you. You grinned at his presence, feeling as if he's got something to say now.

"Good mood?"

And you called it. You shook your head with an amused smile, looking back into the waters. "You've got to fix that starting conversations skills of yours, lovely. It's horrid." You teased him, earning an offended scoff from the boy.

Ao'nung glances at you, taking in your smooth features with a fond smile of his own. His eyes then lands on the small scratches on your arms, "Are your scratches healing, by the way? It's been a few weeks, but it looks the same." You perked up, his fingers gently touching the thin scars.

You looked at the scratches he was touching, seeing how he was pointing out the most noticeable one. You hummed an assuring sound, nodding. "It's healing, don't worry." You grinned. Ao'nung raised a brow at you, almost looking smug. "Who said I was worried?"

"Oh please, it's written all over your face." Your hands gestured around his face, fingertips barely touching his skin. Ao'nung's eyes followed to your right hand, his own hand outstretching as he grasps your hand. You faltered at his actions, tail flicking, a gesture you do when you're flustered.

"(nickname), do you remember when Rotxo and i invited you with us to go swim?" He questioned. You hummed in thought, trying to remember what the hell he was talking about. "Which one?"

"The one where you got grounded."

A small flash of realization crossed your eyes, and you nodded. "I do. Why? Are you two going swimming today?" He shakes his head at your words, and you were left confused. He intertwines your hand he was holding with his own, beginning to walk as he was dragging you with him.

The water reaches your feet, and you still received no response from the boy. "Ao'nung, where are we going?" You questioned him, seeing him call out for his Ilu. He gives you a grin, "I'm taking you to the Cove of the Ancestors."

You blinked twice, wondering how he could still remember how you didn't get to join your siblings in the Cove. "You still remember that?" You softly let out a breathy chuckle, and he hums.

"Of course. I mean, i was half the reason why you couldn't go. Plus, that day was when you beated me against an Ilu race." He shrugged, giving you his usual teasing grins. You huffed, gently nudging his side with your elbow.

"You're so sweet to me, you know that?" You pinched his cheeks, and he swatted your hands away from his skin. "Only for you." He cheekily responsed. He holds your hand as you made yourself comfortable on his Ilu, and he took a seat in front of you afterwards.

He gives you a warning before he goes down into the water, one of his hand holding your hand that was on his waist, heading off to the direction of the Cove.

© aokoaoi

[katedoesntexist]

Stay-at-home journal 2/27/21

Yesterday:

Worked, got help and solved two crises

Order chinese food and branched out and got something different (but still got rangoon bc what can i say, im a slut for cream cheese)

Watched yt w partner

Laid in bed and just chilled out watching gardening and home improvement vids until i fell asleep

Today:

Try to install linux on the old comp

Buy paint for the bathroom bc i keep dragging my feet abt it

Idk if we're moving bushes bc it rained last night and the ground might be too soggy

Order a jigsaw bc im tired of not having one

Watched my partner play more of the medium

Free space:

So whats funny abt the medium is that our irl friend group gets on discord to watch my partner play games every Saturday, but i dont join in. Idk i just dont feel like socializing. So usually i go do something else. But this time its a game i care abt (bloober team ilu, you'll always have a place in my heart), so i want to watch. So hes got headphones on talking to them but they cant hear me, and i cant hear them. But i can hear him laughing and responding. They know im hanging out, so sometimes one of them will pass a message to me or ask a question, and bob will relay it to me. HE IS THE MEDIUM. lmao when he tells them my response he goes "i...i think im getting a message from the other side! Yes! I can hear it... She says... 'lol youre an idiot' " 😂

Its prob just the fact that the suns coming up earlier and its finally warming up, but i want to experiment w more creative projects. So i rly am going to buy that jigsaw. And some blades. And some wood. Probably nails and wood glue too. Might need ear plugs. I also want an engraving pen just bc why not. Theyre surprisingly cheap. Maybe you get what you pay for idk. Im going to try to make little decorations. And if im rly cool i can make some miniature things. No promises on that tho bc it sounds hard.

I dreamt a bunch but i remember one part was in my kitchen back home and i got up on the counter and could jump to the table, jump to the doorway and grab the molding, then jump to another doorway, then go up some stairs. Some serious floor-is-lava parkour. Another part of the dream i had painted the room at the top of the stairs so it was a variety of scenes all the way around. Rich colors and landscapes. Almost flowing. Some of it sparkly.

Well time to get up and figure out how to put linux on a thumbdrive so i can boot from it and install to the comp i formatted. Im a little worried some areas of the disk got corrupted, but i thiiiink i did the format that marks those as bad sectors?? Honestly not sure. But ill give it a shot since this is the only computer we have that actually has a dvd drive and id like to rip that stupid mother goose movie. There are versions of it on yt but iirc they're reaaally low quality. Anyway, if i get this figured out im gonna see if some friends want to stream it w me.

[actuallylorelaigilmore]

200 MOVIES IN 2020, #5

little women. seeing this in the theater with @actuallylukedanes​ yesterday was SO fun. i hadn’t been to a movie theater in almost two years and i genuinely forgot how great it could be to watch movies that way instead of at home. 

since we saw this movie at the end of its run here, i was surprised by how many people joined us for a monday afternoon showing. i was even more surprised after the movie ended, when one of the older theatergoers filing out past us paused to ask what we’d thought--then asked which adaptation we preferred. strangers, wanting to chat at the theater! it was another reminder that living here feels much more like the small town i grew up in than it does a city, even though this is a (small ruralish) city.

anyway, gosh. little women. there’s so much i could say about this movie? and the point of my movie challenge wasn’t to create giant reviews. but...greta gerwig, man. this is the first of her films i’ve ever seen, and a fun one to start with since i grew up so invested in louisa may alcott’s works and this story has been told so many ways.

one of the very first moments when i felt like ‘oh. this story is in good hands.’ was when we see jo at the party where she meets laurie, when she’s grumpily watching meg dance, and i had never seen her look quite that wild before. this version of jo is allowed to be the exact level of civilized-yet-feral that i always felt jo march was in the book. the deliberate avoidance of male gaze crap is lovely.

laura dern was a great marmee, though i expected nothing less. timothy chalamet was a much better laurie than i expected, since all i really knew about him was how young and pretty he is. eliza scanlen will always be one of my favorite murder girls first, but she was a great beth, and honestly between this and sharp objects? that’s range. emma watson is still just emma watson to me and idk what to do about that. i keep waiting for some performance of hers to make me forget. she was fine as emma watson playing meg.

florence pugh, you guys. her face has been all over tumblr since this movie came out, and wow do i get it. i love her voice and how perfectly even her face fit the idea that amy was their spoiled, pretty little pet with airs but that she grew into an accomplished artistic beauty. her speeches? amazing. a standout in this.

i was very confused by the choice of nonlinear storytelling at first, but it was worth it for me in the end because it meant more of amy’s story took place when she was older, and that’s the best amy-related decision i think a little women adaptation has ever made. we got to see more of her matured by time, we got to see a version of her relationship with laurie that i actually mostly enjoyed, and we got to watch her have something real to say. 

this is getting long! okay. the way it contrasted the story’s romantic ending with jo’s focus on getting to own what was hers--i loved that as a nod to louisa may alcott. it also kinda helped explain why the movie didn’t set up the professor bhaer and jo dynamic enough (for me). that seemed weird, but now it doesn’t. saoirse ronan was great in that negotiation, toying with the meta implications of her character being an author selling a book as a character inside of a book now onscreen. she made it look fun to be part of making this adaptation. 

and i had so much fun seeing this adaptation that i almost forgot to review it as part of my movie list!! i’m glad i remembered. quick final notes: gorgeous costuming! occasionally unsettling score!! bob odenkirk ilu but what are you doing here?? meryl ilu just keep being you, clearly you can and will do anything.

shoutout to the person below us who was checking their phone during the dying!beth storyline. yes, you dimmed your screen brightness but no, that did not make it less distracting, as i am easily distractable. in conclusion though, this is an excellent movie. i’m very glad i got to see it in theaters.

[padawanton]

Kajz bonding with Kell and Kiera!

A couple notes first: 

-Happy birthday Rachel!!!! ILU!!!!!!!!!

-For anyone who doesn’t know, Kiera is an OC based on Superman X from the LOSH cartoon in mine and Rachel’s Supergirl AU. She is not Red Daughter from s4 of Supergirl.

- This is the game Kajz asks Kiera to play

—————————————————

“I want to go with you.”

“I’m sorry, Kajz,” Alexa said, “ we understand but this mission is going to be very dangerous, it’s safer for you stay home.”

Astra ruffled his hair, “Hey, don’t look so down, bud. We’ll be home before you know it.”

“Promise?” Kajz asked.

‘Of course,” Astra and Alexa said simultaneously.

“Will Grandpa be watching me?”

“I’m afraid not, we’ll need his, along with your Aunt Alex’s, help,” Querl said as  energy surrounded him when he donned his green lantern ring, “but I hope you’ll find the sitters we got for you suitable.”

“Sitters?” Astra asked. Sure, back when she and her sister had to be looked after, she had to admit she was could be a bit of a handful at times but Kajz was nothing like that, he was more like one of those kids that was so quiet and unassuming you’d forget they were even there.

Querl smiled knowingly. “Yes, your mother and I decided it was time that Kajz met these two.” He stepped aside from the doorway and gestured for someone to come join them.

Kajz and the girls watched as Kara backed into the room. They saw that she lead someone by both hands while a second person followed close behind. “Kajz, I’d like you to meet-“

“Kiera!” Astra shouted, barreling towards the woman Kara had brought into the room to meet her in an embrace.

Kara laughed, “Yes, this is Kiera.”

“And this,” Querl added, “is Kell-El.”

Kajz couldn’t believe his eyes when he saw that these two people looked exactly like Kara and her cousin, Clark.

“We thought that it would be good for you to get to know them,” Kara said, “since they’re like you.”

“Like me?” Kajz asked.

“They’re clones of me and Clark.”

With this information revealed, Kajz looked at them closely and realized that while it was clear that this was the truth, he could see there were just as many differences as there were similarities. Where Kara’s hair fell around her shoulders in loose waves, Kiera’s was cut in a short, stern bob; Kell’s was shaggy, with parts of it falling in his face. Although Kiera smiled at him, Kajz could tell these two faces were much more familiar with scowling. Although, the feature that stood out the most was their unnaturally green eyes.

“Alright, sweetie, we have to go now,” Kara said, “we love you.”

“I love you, too.”

“Don’t cause too much trouble, sport.” Astra said as she and Alexa waved goodbye, “Bye Kiera. Bye Grumpy, say hi to Keenan for me.”

Kell scowled.

***

As Kell cleared the dishes from the table, Kiera turned to Kajz. “Is there anything you’d like to do right now?”

Kajz sat for a moment then got up from the table, leaving the room. Shortly after, he returned carrying a small plastic cylinder in his arms. He held it up to Kiera and said, “It isn’t game night but can we play this?”

“Yeah, definitely,” Kiera said.

Kajz grinned and ran over to the coffee table in the middle of the living room. He upended the tube, scattering several small, oddly-shaped metal rods onto the table. As he set up the longest rod onto a wooden base, Kiera and Kell made their way to the living room.

“Kajz,” Kell said, “that’s an unusual name.”

“Dad told me that was his father’s name.”

“Brainy named you?” Kiera asked.

“Well, kind of,” Kajz said, “everyone put names in a hat and that was the one I picked.”

Kell snorted, “Let me guess, that was Astra’s idea.”

“Yes!” Kajz said brightly.

“I’m not surprised,  Only she’d come up with such a ridiculous idea.”

Kiera shot him a dirty look. Yes, she could admit that Astra had a habit of being a bit more, relaxed that than the rest of her family but she always had good intentions. She looked back at Kajz, “Kajz, I noticed you called Brainy ‘Dad’, you must really feel like you’re part of the family.”

Kajz flushed in embarrassment, “I accidentally called Kara ‘mother’ but she wasn’t mad and she told me it was alright to think of her as my mom.”

Kiera smiled, “Kara’s always been like that.”

“She lets you call her ‘Mom’?”

A bubble of laughter burst from Kiera, “No, no but she’s always been kind to me. Kara was the first to treat me like a real person, and helped me realize I was  more than just a weapon.”

Kajz smiled.

She continued, “She also gave me my name; she told me it was something a woman named Cat Grant would call her,” as she said this, a soft warmth filled her chest as she recalled her early days of getting to know Kara.

“Did Mom name you too?” Kajz asked Kell.

He shook his head, “Kal-El…Clark named me.”

Kajz nodded and decided to finally ask the question that burned within him from the moment he learned of the connection between himself and his sitters. “Why were you created?”

Much to his surprise, Kell answers first, “I was created in the 41st century to protect the Earth from Imperiex.”

Kajz turned to Kiera, eagerly waiting for her response.

Kiera fidgeted, averting her eyes from Kajz’s innocent, wide-eyed stare. Her fists were clenched in her lap as she took deep, ragged breaths. She opened her mouth in an attempt to give him some sort of explanation but stopped as he reached out to pat her arm.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” Kajz said, “that’s what they always tell me.”

Kiera smiled at him. He may have only been with for a few months at this point but there was no doubt he was a Danvers.

[mostlydeadlanguages]

KTU 1.23 (Dawn and Dusk/The Gentle Gods)

It’s been a while since my last translation, but I hope you enjoy this one as much as I do.  It’s an odd Ugaritic text: the first half is a fragmented mish-mash of ritual instructions and mythic imagery, while the second half is a ribald tale about Ilu, the Father-God, and the consequences of his libido.  I have included several notes to outline my own read of the text, but I want to emphasize that many of its elements are still debated by scholars, so you should take my observations with several grains of salt.  Notably, I argue that in the “bawdy comedy” section, the text includes a fairly explicit depiction of two women having sex with each other.

I welcome the Gentle Gods — [1]        the graceful sons of the Sun-Go[ddess], those granted honor from the heights, [2]        in the wilderness and the barren plateaus.

… upon their heads, and …

Feast abundantly upon the feast!        Drink abundantly of the bubbly wine! Grant peace to the king!        Grant peace to the queen,        to the guests and the guards!

The Death-Lord is seated:        in his hand, a staff of sterility;        in his hand, a staff of widowhood. The vine-pruner prunes it;        the vine-tier ties it;        like a vine, he drops it on his death-field. [3]

Seven times, he says it over the platform,        and the guests reply.

And the field is the field of Ilu,        the field of Athirat and Lady Mercy. Over the fire, seven times, the youth(s), a great shout:        coriander in milk, mint in butter. Then over the cauldron, seven times again:        incen[se, in]cense.

Lady Mercy goes out to hunt […] She clothes the gent[le] youth […] And the name of the guests […]

The gods’ dwellings are eight, eight […] […] seven times […]

Lapis lazuli, red carnelian […] […] the two lords […] [4]

Yes, I welcome the Gentle Gods,        the ravenous pair, born the [same] day, they who suckle the nipple of Athirat [5]        […] the Sun-Goddess, who tends to their vulnerability. […] and grapes.

Grant peace to the guests and the guards,        walking with the sacrifice of gentleness.

In the field of Ilu,        the field of Athirat and Lady Mercy,        the gods dwell.

[Ilu walks along] the sea shore;        he strides the shore of the Great Deep. Ilu [sees] two women mounting each other —        two women mounting each other, head to “cauldron.” [6] Watch!  One sinks down.        Watch!  One rises up. Watch!  One shouts, “daddy, daddy!”        Watch!  One shouts “mommy, mommy!”

Ilu’s member lengthens like the sea —        yes, Ilu’s member [rises] like the tide. Ilu’s member lengthened like the sea —        yes, Ilu’s member [rose] like the tide.

Ilu seizes the two women mounting each other,        the two women mounting each other, head to “cauldron.” He seizes [them] and puts them in his house.

Ilu has pulled out his “staff”;        Ilu has palmed the rod with his hand. Raising it, he shoots skyward:        he has shot a bird from the sky! Plucking it, he puts it on the embers:        in this way, Ilu ravishes the women.

If the two women shout, “Oh husband, husband,        pulling out your staff,                palming the rod with your hand!        Watch out!  You’re roasting the bird on the fire,                but you’ve burned it on the coals.” Then they are wives indeed, wives of Ilu,        wives of Ilu forever.

But if the two women shout, “Oh daddy, daddy,        pulling out your staff,                palming the rod with your hand!        Watch out!  You’re roasting the bird on the fire,                but you’ve burned it on the coals.” Then they are daughters indeed, daughters of Ilu,        daughters of Ilu forever. [7]

And then the two women shout, “Oh husband, husband,        pulling out your staff,                palming the rod with your hand!        Watch out!  You’re roasting the bird on the fire,                but you’ve burned it on the coals.” They are wives of Husband Ilu,        wives of Ilu forever.

He leans down and kisses their lips.        Oh, oh!  Their lips are sweet,               sweet as pomegranates. With kissing comes conception;        with lovemaking comes climax. The two squat down and give birth        to Dawn and Dusk.

A message arrives for Ilu:        “The wives of Ilu gave birth!” “To what did they give birth?”        “To the two boys, Dawn and Dusk!” “Raise a gift to the Great Sun-Goddess,        and to the unchanging stars.”

He leans down and kisses their lips.        Oh, oh!  Their lips are sweet,               sweet as pomegranates. With kissing comes conception;        with lovemaking comes climax. [8] [Ilu] sits down […]        he counts to five […]        […] ten, the pair is complete. The two squat down and give birth        to the Gentle Gods: Devourers of the day, sons of one day,        they who suckle the nipple of the breast.

A message arrives for Ilu:        “The wives of Ilu gave birth!” “To what did they give birth?”        “To the Gentle Gods: “Devourers of the day, sons of one day,        they who suckle the nipple of the breast of the lady. “One lip on the earth,        one lip in the sky. “Everything goes into their mouths:        the birds of the sky,        and the fish of the sea. “And they stand from one edge to the other,        devouring to the right and to the left. “Nothing in their mouths can sate them.” [9]

“Wives that I married,        sons that I fathered: “Raise a gift        from within the holy wilderness. “You will be refugees there —        refugees among the stones        and among the trees, “for a total of seven years,        eight circuits of time.”

The Gentle Gods journey to the field;        they hunt at the edge of the wilderness. Then they approach the Guardian of Farmland [10]        and call out to the Guardian of Farmland:        “Oi, guardian!  Guardian!  Open up!” So he opens up a passage near them,        and they enter. “If you’ve got bread,        give it over, so we can eat! “If you’ve got wine,        give it over, so we can drink!”

The Guardian of Farmland answers them,        “There’s wine that comes from Th[…] …” … appears. He serves a measure of his wine … And his friend fills up with wine …

[1] “Gentle Gods” — or perhaps “Kindly Gods.”  Basically, some scholars argue that the name is a euphemism, like the British “Fair Folk” (fae) or the Greek “Kindly Ones” (Furies).  The polite name for them attempts to flatter and appease.

[2] “Those granted honor from the heights” — a very difficult line.  For instance, another possible translation is, “Those who give a city from above.”

[3] Most of the terms in this evocative section are clear, but their (presumably metaphorical?) meaning is far from apparent.  With great uncertainty, I read this as a metonymic description of the activities of winter: a season of sterility, when grapevines are pruned and fields cleared.  Only by destroying the vines (i.e. welcoming the activity of Motu/Death) can the gardeners ensure a fertile spring and summer.

[4] This section is very broken, but I am personally intrigued by the mention of lapis lazuli and carnelian.  Most scholars interpret these as colors (blue and red) rather than the stones themselves, but this section comes shortly after the discussion of two food-substances and a cauldron.  In Gilgamesh, a pair of lapis and carnelian bowls are part of the funeral rites for Enkidu.  The mineral pair also appears in other Mesopotamian contexts, e.g. a birth charm to predict a child’s sex, in which lapis symbolizes a boy and carnelian symbolizes a girl.  So while red and blue clothing is certainly a possible reading, I take the gems literally.  This also affects the following word — šr can mean a singer or a prince, and I view it as a return to the twin Gentle Gods.

[5] Athirat is of course the equivalent of Hebrew “Asherah,” the mother-goddess and wife of Ilu.

[6] “Two women mounting each other, head to ‘cauldron.’” This is certainly my most radical divergence from standard translations, but it’s also a translation of a section that has been a difficult crux for scholars.  “Two-women-mounting-each-other” is a single word in Ugaritic, appearing nowhere outside this passage, so my breakdown of its etymology is speculative, but it’s along very similar lines to the standard interpretation (“two-women-bobbing-up-and-down”).  (Technical explanation: I agree that it’s a Št participle, but I connect it to the Šp in KTU 1.5.v.21, which clearly refers to sexual mounting.  So if the Š passive means “to be mounted,” I speculate that the Š reflexive means “to mount each other.”)  “Cauldron” appeared earlier in the text as a ritual implement, but it’s the same root word that appears in Song of Songs 7:2 as a metaphor for the navel/vulva/loins, overflowing with “spiced wine.”  In short, I believe that this describes two women engaging in oral sex with each other.

Since the following sections involve overt ribald humor, and since whatever Ilu sees causes immediate arousal, this meaning is hardly out of place in the passage.  However, if I’m correct, this would still be a remarkable precedent, since I’m unaware of any other ancient Near Eastern text that describes details of sexual acts between women (as we do see in Greek texts, for instance).  If any fellow Ugaritic scholars are reading this, I would welcome your thoughts on the topic.

[7] “Daughters of Ilu for all time” — this designation does not preclude a sexual relationship.  (After all, Ilu has already “ravished” the pair!)  Ba’al had three “daughters” who were also his wives/consorts, and adoption may have been an ancient legal option for betrothing a woman too young to marry yet.  Perhaps — but this is a guess — the distinction is whether the two women are post-pubescent, i.e. able to conceive Ilu’s children.

[8] One of the fundamental debates around this passage concerns this repetition.  Did the wives bear two sets of twins (Dawn and Dusk, and then the Gentle Gods)?  Or is this an example of ancient narrative repetition, where the text describes the same event in subsequent passages?  I personally lean toward the latter — I see the text as equating Dawn and Dusk with the Gentle Gods, rather than depicting them as the older siblings of the pair.

[9] What’s going on with these terrifyingly ravenous gods?  Analyses differ, but here’s my theory (predicated on the assumption that they are equated with Dawn and Dusk).  Dawn and Dusk are literally the two bookends on each day; they “consume” the sun, then regurgitate it each morning, and nothing can escape the fall of night.  As long as each dusk brings another dawn, equilibrium is maintained.  But during the winter, the days are growing shorter — which means that Dawn and Dusk are moving closer to each other, gobbling up more of each successive day.  Therefore, a midwinter ritual might seek to reverse that pattern, so that Dawn and Dusk don’t continue until the whole world is enveloped in darkness.  Up until this point, the sources of light included the Sun-Goddess and the stars, but the introduction of Dawn and Dusk destabilizes the sun’s reign, creating a crisis that must be addressed by Ilu.

[10] “The Guardian of Farmland”: “farmland” is simply the term for soil that has been tilled and sown, i.e. not wilderness.  The Gentle Gods have reached the border between wilderness and civilization, and are met by a guard.  Although their interaction is broken, I believe that this is the mythic interaction underlying the ritual at the beginning: in order to placate the ravenous Gentle Gods, a feast of food and wine is offered to them — but not free access to the civilized world.

[moonprincessx]

92 truths tagging game
rules: once you’ve been tagged you’re supposed to write 92 truths about yourself. i was tagged by @triangleankle

last: 
 [1] drink: agua [2] phone call: mom [3] text message: leslie [4] song you listened to: keep me
by khalid [5] time you cried: uh like a few months back??
other
[6] dated someone twice: na [7] been cheated on: na [8] kissed someone and regretted it: kinda [9] lost someone special: my hamster,
my sister and brothers hamsters and my mom’s dog [10] been depressed: 24/7 365 days [11] gotten drunk and thrown up: i’ve gotten tipsy but never drunk lmao
 list 3 favorite colors: 
 [12] yellow [13] pink [14] green 
 in the last year have you:
 [15] made new friends: not really but i wish i had i want more friends lmao [16] fallen out of love: nope [17] laughed until you cried: yeah [18] found out someone was talking about you: if they did i honestly don’t care [19] met someone who changed you: nope [20] found out who your true friends are: i found that out years ago [21] kissed someone on your facebook list: i deleted my facebook years ago so no 
other: 
 [22] how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: none, don’t have a facebook [23] do you have any pets: yes 5 [24] do you want to change your name: no but i get annoyed with the “haha like angelica from the rugrats” or when the mispronounce it [25] what did you do for your last birthday: ate pizza and hung out at home because i have no friends [26] what time did you wake up: today my fat ass woke up at 11 [27] what were you doing at midnight last night: watching friend trying to fall asleep [28] name something you cannot wait for: um to see harry’s bitch ass in concert [29] when was the last time you saw your mother: like 25 minutes ago when she came to tell me to go to sleep [30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: there a lot of things i wish i could change i can’t pick just one [31] what are you listening to right now: 8TEEN by khalid [32] have you ever talked to a person named tom: yeah my boss’s husband when he comes through my line to buy stuff he’ll tell me about my boss’s dog [33] something that is getting on your nerves: white people, the “president”, littering, animal testing and a bunch more [34] most visited website: instagram [35] elementary: what about it?? my experience?? it was good [36] high school: same?? um i hated it i wanted to throw myself from the flight of stairs [37] college: don’t go but i wanna [38] hair color: right now it’s brown with faded green but natural it’s black [39] long or short hair: short [40] do you have a crush on someone: na i ain’t got time for that, next [41] what do you like about yourself?: nothing [42] piercings: my stretched ears and second ear piercing [43] blood type: idk [44] nickname: um so like i never tell anyone because i’ve never been asked but my whole life everyone has
called me helos [45] relationship status: single [46] zodiac sign: sagittarius [47] pronouns: she/her [48] fav tv show(s): bob’s burgers, unbreakable kimmy, the office, parks and rec and many more [49] tattoos: a moon and tombstone [50] right or left handed: right 
first:
 [51] surgery: my ears because apparently when i was younger or born my mom said i was like on the verge of being deaf?? idk [52] piercing: ears [53] best friend: cynthia a friend from my childhood [54] sport: none [56] pair of trainers: idk what that isn [57] eating: food [58] drinking: water 
other:
 [59] i’m about to: go shower [60] listening to: american teen by khalid [61] waiting for: my fat ass to get sleepy so i can knock the fuck out [62] want: to die [63] get married: no thanks miss me what that dumb shit [64] career: i’m very indecisive about this 
your type:
 [65] hugs or kisses: hugs [66] lips or eyes: both [67] shorter or taller: taller [68] older or younger: older [69] romantic or spontaneous: both [70] nice arms or nice stomach: idc [71] sensitive or loud: loud i’m already the sensitive one we good [72] hook up or relationship: uuuuh?? [73] troublemaker or hesitant: both
have you ever: 
 [74] kissed a stranger?: no [75] drank hard liquor?: na [76] lost glasses/contact lenses?: i lost my glasses when my fat ass was younger and i’ve been blind ever since [77] turned someone down?: na if anything it’ll probably be the other way around lmao i’m ugly [78] sex on first date?: na [79] broken someone’s heart?: nope [80] had your own heart broken?: yeah [81] been arrested? : nope [82] cried when someone died? : i don’t like showing emotion so no [83] fallen for a friend: no 
do you believe in: 
 [84] yourself?: lmao na [85] miracles?: ?? i guess?? [86] love at first sight?: na as cliche as this sound this literally only happens in movies that’s where it’s so romanticized [87] santa claus?: when i was little [88] kiss on the first date?: i guess [89] angels?: i don’t wanna say no because when i say that to my mom she’s like “síguele y vas a ver se va a aparecer ” 
other: 
 [90] current best friend’s name: i don’t have one..?? na lmao it’s leslie ilu bitch i ain’t ever gonna stop loving u, bitch [91] eye colour: brown [92] favourite movies: biiiitch kiki’s delivery service is my shit and so many more lmao i fucking love movies

i forgot to copy and paste the bottom half omfg i hate my dumb ass self but if i’m supposed to tag people i tag @faeves @e-lizards @1chiquita @bluesoupie and whoever wants to do this i’m sorry i suck

[janehopperra]

OOE:

So in order to take back some of the order on my blog, I’m gonna keep the tally for today’s stuff on one post, then when I’m done watching tomorrow, I’ll put that tally on here as well.

This is also to save the dashes of whoever likes to keep them clean. I apologize for the mass ooc. I just finally felt like I could safely let my saltiness over s3 run rampant.

Bad: The makeout scene Good: Will taking care of everyone in the party making sure everyone has snacks for the theatre Bad 2: Mike being a whiny brat right off the bat Good 2: Steve immediately flicking the switch on and off to spite Robin Good 3: Jane playing pranks with the party with her telekinesis. Bad 3: The Karen and Billy Thing Good 4: IT IS CONSTANT… CONSTANT. Bad 4: ‘Curfew at 4:00pm’ Bad 5: The apparent focus of Will’s character only being that he’s jealous of Mike and Jane and also that he can sense the mindflayer. literally nothing else. Bad 6: Karen and Billy Again Bad 7: Joyce eating tv dinner alone while thinking about bob :( Bad 8: Makeout scene 2.0 Good 5: Hopper yeeting himself to another plane of existence in the next room Bad 9: Mike whispering to Jane right in front of Hop ( As if I didn’t find this creepy enough ) Bad 10: I gotta admit Hop lying about Mike’s grandma is bad Good 6: Hop being an actual dad and placing boundaries between Mike and El makes up for that though. Like that needed to happen. Bad 11: Dustin being left alone at the radio tower. Bad 12: Karen??? what the fuck are you doing??? Good 7: Karen coming to her senses. Bad 13: Billy.. jfc

First episode - 7-13

Good 8: Boundary establishing actually working. Bad 14: Mike lying through his teeth, keeping the lie up even after Karen caught him in it. Bad 15: “You lie?” “What? No! Friends don’t lie!” Good 9: Hop scream singing his song in the Blazer. Bad 16: Nancy’s boss being an absolute??? Jerkwad??? They were that way in the 80′s to women yeah but yikes. Good 10: Dustin and Steve’s handshake Good 11: ‘Mike’s a piece of shit!’ Snaps fingers hell yeah he is Bad 17: ‘You don’t understand lucas! He’s lost his mind!’ How about stop??? Blaming other people??? For how you acted Mike??? You had a choice not to lie dumbass. Bad 18: The boys acting like this is some sort of battlefield where you need combat strategies when in reality you need to speak the truth. Bad 19: Them constantly leaving Will hanging, poor boy just wants to play dnd :( Bad 20: More Karen and Billy like tf Thank god Billy told her to stay away Good 12: The girls going out and having fun!!! To hell with the boys!!!! Bad 21: Joyce forgetting about Hop to solve the magnet issue ( wasn’t her fault but yeah ) Good 13: The Material Girl skit!!! The photographer session! High heels! Jane pranking the binch that rejected Dustin at the snow ball. There’s more to life than stupid boys! Bad 22: “Can we play DND now???” “NO!!!!” Bad 23: Mike trying to change the subject and recoiling when he’s caught at the mall, like he thought he would get away with the lie??? Good 14: I dump your ass. Bad 24: The face Mike makes when Jane walks away, like you’d think if he’s so??? in love he’d be at least a little more devastated??? He looks like a brat. ( No offense to the actor he’s great, the character’s a brat ) Good 15: IT’S CUTTING EDGE STUFF MAN!!! Bad 25: Hop being left at Enzo’s :((( He was so excited man Good 16: The scoops troop solving stuff. Bad 26: Hop taking the whole bottle of alcohol and leaving, kind of shit faced, DRIVES HOME SHITFACED. You’re a cop, Hop! For fuck’s sake.

Episode 2 mark - 16-26

Good 17: Jane and Max acting like best friends Bad 27: “I don’t understand what I did to deserve this why is she treating me this way I’m the victim” I honestly can’t. Bad 28: ‘We’re trying to solve the great mystery of the female species’ oh yikes. Bad 29: Hop arriving home drunk and barging into Jane’s room thinking Mike was with El and the door was closed. Bad 30: Hop.. acting like a bit of a creep and then cracking open the bottle of wine for more drinking!!! In the presence of El. After what he just did. Good 18: Honestly I think it’s kind of cool that Max and Jane have made a game utilizing Jane’s powers instead of shoving them away. Bad 31: The boys mocking Will for taking the chance to play DND. Will honey its okay Bad 32: Hopper being a weird disgusting bear, and also being kind of spiteful towards Joyce. I get she hung you up but like come on man, you know she wouldn’t do that without good reason. Bad 33: “You stand me up, no phone call no apology because you had to go to Scott Clark’s house” NOW IT’S TIME FOR HOP TO GET BASHED. Bad 34: Hop pretending to understand how Joyce thinks the magnetism loss thing was the lab then going back to being spiteful and a smartass. Bad 35: Max in denial about the Billy situation Good 19: Scoops troop being funny little shits. They’re the only pure group in this nonsense of a season. Bad 36: The boys still mocking Will during DND. Guys just humor him for fucks sake, he’s been dealing with yalls shit all summer. Bad 37: Mike recoiling when Will finally has enough of their shit and leaves. Bad 38: “You guys are never in the mood anymore! You’re destroying everything and for what, so you can swap spit with some stupid girl” “It’s not my fault you don’t like girls!” Honestly, low blow on both ends. Yikes. Good 20: Honestly the horror in this season is good so it gets it’s own good point for that. Good 21: Hop actually going to the lab with Joyce to soothe her worries about the magnetism loss. ( Also poor joyce remembering Bob’s death ) Good 22: The scoops troop again being on the case, only to then find out the guy they’re chasing is a yoga instructor. Good 23: Hop trying to make sure everyone feels safe and at home. Good 24: Hop opening up just a tiny bit about what he did after Sarah died, trying to relate to Joyce. Bad 39: The fact that Will felt so alone and outcasted to the point that he felt the need to tear the castle down after looking around at all the memories in it and bursting into tears. My poor lad. I’ve been in the same boat, fuck the boys honestly. Good 25: The scoops troop at it again, actually being productive in their side of the story. Bad 40: Something I just don’t get at all is the fact that Jane just.. introduces herself as El, giving herself away almost immediately. Hun, you have another name, you’re not still a number. Idk that thing just irks me. Bad 41: And again, Will just being used for the ‘woe is me/enemy locator’ trope.

Episode 3 mark - 25-41

Good 26: Max introducing the wonder woman comics to Jane after listening to her. Bad 42: Max still being in denial about Billy and Heather. Good 27: Joyce taking care of Hop, SOMEHOW dragging his ass back to the cabin. Bad 43: ThIs iS a CoDe ReD ( I don’t blame Max for turning the radio off I’d throw it across the room after all that’s happened ) Bad 44: Again. Will’s only purpose being that he senses the mindflayer– like what the fuck he could be used for so much more. Bad 45: This is just a thing– I honestly hate that we only get one scene with the hoppers and also the byers acting like a family. All that build up in season 2??? wasted. All that potential wasted. Bad 46: The mayor taking a jab at Hopper and his ‘dead daughter sob story’. Damn right you deserved that fucking punch. Good 28: Joyce pulling the phone line when the receptionist tried to call the police. Good 29: The scoops troop and their hilarity. Bad 47: Max continuing to be in complete denial over Billy’s role with the mindflayer. Good 30: “Don’t you love your country” “You can’t spell America without Erica” I love Erica so much Good 31: “I want you to forget about sales and come work for me at hawkins pd.” “And have to look at your face every day? I don’t think so.” I have to admit that was cute Good 32: Karen actually being a mom for a change and listening to and supporting Nancy. Good 33: “He made me lie, I mean–” “What if he’s right?” “No no no he’s just a crazy old man” “No, if I only see you and I’m a different species, maybe I should be with my own species more.” Bad 47: “Wait you spied on me? That’s totally against the rules!!!” Mike she’s a telekinetic who can locate people and also implode your brain. There are no rules. Good 34: “I make my own rules.” Except hers. Good 35: “If you die, I die” “Okay” Dustin’s such a ride or die bitch I love it. Bad 48: How many times has Will been used for mindflayer location? 4-5 times? Bad 49: Jane relenting when protecting herself and her friends. I’m sorry but if someone’s had a hand to her throat or face or anything she’s thrown whoever did that through a wall, caught off guard and not. Good 36: She eventually did throw Billy through a wall but still the point remains

Episode 4 mark - 36-49

Bad 50: Joyce’s bad throwing skills. Hun you’re throwing a gun not a baseball. ( jk ilu mom ) Bad 51: This terminator guy gets a bad point. I don’t think they explained him at all? Even if they did.. eh. Good 37: “Why wouldn’t he be safe? Nancy?” For once someone’s worried about the welfare of these kids. Good 38: Hop’s big butt sprawled over the Blazer gets a point. Bad 52: Hop calling Alexei Smirnoff gets an… eh point for me. Idk why it turns me off a bit. It’s a funny name and all but eh. Bad 53: The beloved Blazer exploding gets a bad point. Shame on you for killing it, st writers. Good 39: “Ill-annoy” cute. Bad 54: “ThEy’Re CoNsPiRiNg AgAiNsT mE” Not everything’s about you, Mike. Good 40: “She was making bad screams” “What’s a good scream” Max: “Doesn’t matter–” Bad 55: Hop making the joke that every man Joyce talks to must be another version of Clark. Yikes man, she burned you that bad? Good 41: “He’s a dangerous child murderer” As Alexei smiles whilst sipping his cherry icee.

[hiddenbysuccubi]

GISHWHES Item #181 2017

2k word essay on how to get pregnant for the 10th time (but I wrote it as a story and cropped out the beginning filler for your reading pleasure) --   I've had a long, beautiful life with my children, but having them wasn't always easy or expected. I'd like to take a moment, if you'll sit right there, to tell you how I became the mother of so many rare and beautiful children, and perhaps understand how best to go about having my tenth. I'll begin with the conception of my third child. I was so much younger then, with just two little ones at home.

Alright, so I was walking to the office and it had been a long hot week so I'm thinking the only thing I need to cheer me up is a nice cold coffee. I dip into my favorite coffee shop, ILU Java, and who do I see behind the counter but the cutest barista in a polka dot tie and pinstripe suit. I'm thinking, this guy ought to be a TV star or something, not just a barista behind a counter. So anyway I go up and I say "Iced Chai Latte, medium." and he says "sorry, wot?" with this accent I can't place. I say, "Sorry, Iced Chai Latte, Grande, and I'll have a biscotti please, Bob" and he rings it up but I can see him frowning, when he politely tells me "Alright, but my name isn't Bob". So now I have to sigh, because of course I know that but it's a phrase from a British game show and his accent sounds like it's British adjacent but all I say is "I'm sorry, what is your name?" By now he's grabbing the biscotti from the display and telling me my total, which is $6.27 "and I'm The Doctor" he adds. The door behind me dings. Well, I grab the cash from my purse and hand it right over. "What kind of barista are you with a name like that?" I ask, but he's not paying attention. Actually he looks a little pale as he focuses on the customer behind me. Only when I turn around it's this weird tin can with wheels for feet and two wrench arms. I gesture my money towards the barista again and without looking, he takes it. Right as our fingers touch, the tin can fires this purple laser beam at us! I don't remember much after that, but the tin can and the doctor man started fighting and then disappeared, can in a puff of smoke and man in a big blue box. Couple weeks later I've got a positive pregnancy test and a little one on the way! And all mommy wanted was a coffee. Well, that's how I got pregnant for the third time anyway, but it's not like that method is going to help me THIS time....

ALTHOUGH there was this one time... no, no, that couldn't work again. You know about my fifth pregnancy, right? What, you wanted to hear about the first two? Come on, we're lightyears past those. So I'd just had my fourth kid and I wasn't working at the office anymore, because I had to quit. Had a full time job at home with the tykes, you know? Didn't really get out much. It was a nice little suburban home we had then, a little crowded with the five of us, but we had a nice little garden out front. That's when he moved next door. He was tall, lean, he'd smile but only when someone wasn't looking, like one of those stoic types. Every day during naptime for my three youngest, and while Thing 1 was working on elementary school homework, I would go out and tend to our garden. Get the mail, trim some hedges... pretty low. Maybe glance over and see if my neighbor was out mowing the lawn or something. Well, he often was outside, doing something, every day, about the same time as I, so I'd throw a friendly "hey neighbor" over the now very short hedge between our houses, and he'd throw back a "it is acceptable weather we are having." It was a little dry for fall but I'd let it slide. All I got about his name was part of it sounded like Schon, which is German for "pretty" and man was he. Well, about a month this went on, me going out and watering the garden, him sitting on his porch reading a newspaper or trimming his black hair. And there was this one flower Thing 2 had found at the start of the school year, an unidentified flower, pink, a stem that grew thick as I tended to it. I thought it was a bit ugly, but anything to appease the gremlins. I mean, my darling children. Well, turns out it was at the end of the flower's lifecycle, and at the end of that month, it went to seed. Spreading pollen absolutely everywhere! Why, when my neighbor and I breathed it in, we couldn't keep our hands off each other! But then, we'd already had eyes for each other for weeks. Let's be honest. So it wasn't too surprising when I was ready to announce that Thing 5 would be beaming down to earth within a few months. I didn't see my neighbor again after that, but he did leave me and my brood enough currency to buy a larger estate back out in the country. When I read the mail piling up on his front porch it was addressed to "S'chn T'gai". A strange name befitting a stranger man. But I don't see how that's going to happen again, the flower and everything that hinted at its existence were gone without a trace by the time I figured to go take a sampling of it to study.... Didn't I mention I'm a Botanist? No matter, a story for another time.

Now, my sixth pregnancy would give you nightmares. I was working on this new, top secret assignment in an underground lab. There was this super creepy scorpion spider like creature... worst cesarean birth ever, wound up. Still, my 6th baby is a beautiful, misunderstood little girl. I don't really tell that story.

I do, however, think about my eighth pregnancy a lot. By the point in time where I was even considering an eighth addition to my (thankfully) spacial estate in the country. What do you mean “gee don't tell me, you live in Iowa?” Of course we live in Iowa. What's wrong with that? Why are you laughing? Well when you're done being rude I'll tell you all about the best way to get pregnant for the eighth time. Well, perhaps the most fun way in any case. It was on a night I'll never forget... rainy, I'd just gone on a milk run when my car died down a narrow lane I'd never taken before. It was frustrating, to be sure, but even more so when I looked at my phone to see it had no service! That just wouldn't do, I had to get word to the babysitter to put Timmy, Tammy, Thomasina, and Terry down for bed. Martha, Matt, and Mo could handle themselves. Besides the point that Tammy would probably eat the babysitter in their anxiety for mama's absence and leave the eldest Things in charge anyway.... but who could blame poor Tammy, right? Precious dear. So I'm stranded down this lane with no signal when what do I see in the distance but a light! A light over at what seems to be an old Victorian looking building. Or a castle. Kind of a Frankenstein place, really. I march my way over, the door swings open, and then it's all music and dancing! And the host, my, what a stud. Of course I was happy to follow him upstairs, he told me he was working on something but it wasn't ready, so I'd have to do to test this new invention of his. Wouldn't you know it, it was this tank filled with sort of a colored chemical concoction. To me it really just felt like floating in a sensory deprivation or salt tank. When I got out I thanked him, but I had to get back to my kids, really. He gave me a really weird look and glanced at my stomach then, but he let me go. Would you be surprised if I said I tested positive not nine days later?

This all takes me back to my first bundle of joy, actually. Mo was another special case. I was young yet, unwed and the single child of a small rural family. I always thought I was meant for something real good in the grand scheme of things. I certainly wanted a child, and some folks around those parts did start as young as I was. Ma was against it, but da wanted another little farmhand. In the meantime, I worked at the corner store. Sometimes the only thing running to get me there was the tractor. I'd ride that thing up and down going to my shifts, just the same every day without a problem. Well one day I was on my way home and the lights of dusk were twinkling over the fields. I didn't think anything of it until I noticed a circle of them, spanning out around me. Kind of odd, but not as odd as the disc in the sky above me! A panel opened up and down came a beam of white light. When I opened my eyes, I was inside a white medical laboratory, and it was filled with these little green men. They had big black eyes and four digit hands, kind of frog looking. One comes up behind me and injects me with something. All I remember is falling, then waking up on my back in the field with stitches across my midsection. I don't think my parents ever believed my story, but they were pleased enough with the little bundle of joy that followed it. We're not sure yet what Mo is, but who cares? They're my child, and they're happy, and I love them.

It's easier to love them than baby the fourth. Terry was a special sort. I was actually asked for him, as it turns out. Though you'll never guess how! Thing 1 and 2 and Martha were all sleeping in my parent's old room, their makeshift little bedroom, when I heard this beautiful music coming from outside. Some air rustling about like a storm's picking up, and a warm glow filtering in through the drapes. Obviously I went outside to check immediately, what if it was  some supernatural force? They might go after the cows and then where would I be! But there, just a stone's throw from the house's old front step, stood four beautiful angels. They reached out to me, and complimented my skills as such an eclectic mother. I preened, and then humbly demanded what they wanted. “A child” they said. “A Nephilim” I replied. They nodded, and offered me this vial filled with an essence. A Nephilim could destroy the world, I thought. Then I shrugged and drank it anyway.

Which brings me to now. I have landed myself in an area 52 facility complete with alien child daycare. It turns out I'm a hazard for the planet, like some sort of alien-attracting Barbarella. So I guess in retaliation, I fell in love with my caseworker. This nice man going by Jay. Totally human and totally smitten with me back. We get married a couple days ago, and here I am hoping to start our family with lucky number 10, totally normal right?. You know, now that I'm thinking about it... I believe I've concluded that the best way to get pregnant again would be if we would just go see a physician.