#we go get samples. the cat yells the whole time. it’s annoying and I turn the music up because at least that’s noise I can control.

[dilfcherricola]

Trying not to resent my roommate/coworker for things that are not in faer control but damn if the things aren’t making my life harder

[stellar-lune]

*KOTLC incorrect quotes*

Anyways, a long list of incorrect KOTLC quotes, feel free to use these for anything if ya want!

-

Glimmer: Arson? Oh, you mean "crime brûlée".

-

Fitz: Oh, so when crows remember people who wronged them and hold grudges, its “intelligent” and “really cool”.

Fitz: But when I do it, I’m “petty” and “need to let it go”.

-

Keefe, holding up his class notes: And then this doodle of a burrito because when I first read Aristotle, I thought it was pronounced like “Chipotle”.

Marella, in shock: Wait a minute, is it “Chip-o-tottle”?

-

Sophie: I wasn't hurt that badly. Elwin said all my bleeding was internal, that's where the blood's supposed to be!

-

Police Officer: You have the right to remain silent.

Marella: I choose to waive that right!

Marella: *screaming*

-

Brant (whoops sorry bout this one): Do not come over to my house. If the house is on fire you may knock once, if I don’t answer assume I set the fire and I want to burn to death.

-

Sophie: I would never say that my best friend is a bitch and I don’t like her. That’s not true… Biana is a bitch and I like her very much!

-

Lex, Bex, Rex: If I can't cause tiny bits of chaos every day, I think my body will shut down.

-

Keefe on Tuesday: *glues a dime to the sidewalk* Heh heh heh.

Keefe on Wednesday: *walking down the street* Ooh hey! A dime!

-

Forkman, to the squad: And remember, if I get harsh with you it is only because you’re doing it all wrong.

-

Keefe, tearing up the room: Where are they?

Keefe, looking under a pillow: Who moved them? Who moved my children?

Keefe: Somebody moved my E.L. Fudges, and now I am going to run away again.

-

Tam: Your existence is confusing.

Keefe: How so?

Tam: Your presence is annoying, but the thought of anything bad happening to you upsets me.

-

Sophie: I have one foot in the grave but in a kind of fun flirty way, the way one might slip on a fishnet stocking.

-

Linh: I've never encountered a problem that can't be solved by an spontaneous musical number.

-

Dex: Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle, and explode into bats to get out of all social situations.

-

Sophie: Fuck capitalism. It's a rigged system that keeps us poor and it isn't fair. You shouldn't need to work three jobs to afford basic necessities.

Sophie, playing Monopoly: Sorry, if you wanted to win you should have tried not being poor.

-

Dex, to Stina: If karma doesn't hit you, I fucking will.

-

Sophie: My life isn't as glamourous as my wanted poster makes it look.

-

Dex: If I'm extra sarcastic with you it probably means I'm flirting with you or you really annoy me and I can't handle your crap... have fun figuring out which one, Wonderboy.

-

Marella: As someone who has a long history of not understanding anything, I feel confident in my ability to continue not knowing what is going on.

-

Fitz: I'm a firm believer in "if you're going to fail, you might as well fail spectacularly."

-

*out grocery shopping*

Linh: *takes a free sample twice*

Linh: Robbery and fraud. I am a Rebel (TM) .

-

Sophie: Sometimes I wonder if I’m hearing voices.

Sophie: Then I remember that’s the last bit of sanity I have trying to get me to fall asleep at a reasonable time.

-

Sophie: Does anyone know how to relax? Asking for a friend.

-

Demon: Hey, I took your soul last month and-

Tam: No returns.

Demon: *sobbing* But it's making me sad...

-

Dex: So, according to my university, it is, quote, “my responsibility if there is an internet outage to contact the faculty and the department.”

Dex: Now, if you’re a critical thinker like me, you might be wondering one thing.

Dex: HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO EMAIL THE DEPARTMENT?!?!?!

-

Tam: Hey, what’s the name of the other guy who lives with Tiergan?

Linh: His cats' names are Walter and Rose.

Tam: That's not what I asked.

Linh: That is all the information I have.

-

Keefe: Ro, remember when you said you weren’t going to interfere with my love life?

Ro: No, that doesn’t sound like me at all.

(alternatively, Alden)

-

Linh: Ayo, what the FUCK is this?!?

Tam, sitting down, surrounded by corpses: I won Mafia, that’s what.

-

Marella: I'd roast you, but my mom says you can't burn trash.

Marella: *slow-mo walks out of the room*

-

Biana: I'm gonna get my piolet's license. I've already got a driver's license and a cosmetology license, that's two of the big five licenses.

Fitz: The big five licenses?

Biana: Driver's license, cosmetology license, pilot's license, fishing license, and… license to kill! I can't wait to get that one.

-

Dex: You are irrationally angry 365 days a year.

Fitz: Well, that’s just your personal opinion, I don’t have anger issues. Biana, do you think I have anger issues?

Biana: Well, I wouldn’t really call it an issue. An issue is something you can fix.

-

Keefe: So how’s the food Sophie made?

Fitz: It's great! Compliments to her.

Keefe: *goes to the kitchen*

Keefe: You're adorable.

Sophie: *blushes*

-

Biana: And now for a gay update with Linh and Marella.

Marella: Getting gayer.

Biana: Thank you, Marella.

-

Sophie: Hey, do you know the password to Keefe’s computer?

Biana: I love you, Sophie.

Sophie: Aww, that’s so swe—

Biana: No, you misunderstood, the password is "iloveyouSophie".

Sophie: Oh, no numbers? Not very safe.

-

Fitz: Hey, Biana, are you free on Friday? Like around eight?

Biana: Yeah.

Fitz: And you, Tam?

Tam: Umm... yes?

Fitz: Great! Because I'm not. You two go out without me. Enjoy your date!

Biana: Did he just-

-

Sophie: Do you cook?

Biana: I made a cake once.

Fitz: Yeah, it was good.

Biana: Really?

Fitz: Don’t make me lie twice, Biana.

-

Dex: Nice rock.

Keefe: Thanks, Tam gave it to me.

Tam: I threw it at you!

Keefe: Isn’t he the sweetest?

-

Juline: I just had a long talk with the triplets about hitting and now they are yelling “it’s my turn to perpetuate the cycle of violence” before hitting each other.

-

Sophie: I made you all playlists!

Sophie: Tam, yours has only heavy metal and punk, and is dark like your soul.

Sophie: Keefe, yours has sad songs and blues to pair with your crippling depression.

Sophie: And Biana has the ABBA Gold album.

-

Fitz: A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.

Biana: An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel.

Dex: A realist sees a freight train.

Tam: The train driver sees three idiots standing on train tracks.

-

Mr. Forkle: For self defense reasons, I'm going to pretend to be a burglar and you guys have to act wisely.

Biana, Keefe, & Sophie: Okay.

Mr. Forkle: If you don't want to die, give me all your money.

Biana: Bold of you to assume I have money.

Keefe: Bold of you to assume I don't want to die.

Sophie: Bold of you to assume I can die.

-

Sophie: My life is a little too much panic and not enough disco.

Keefe: My life is a little too much fall and not enough boy.

Dex: My life is a little too much chemical and not enough romance.

Marella: My life is a little too much imagination and not nearly enough dragons.

-

Biana: What’s it like being tall?

Marella: Is it nice?

Sophie: Can you reach comfortably for the cupboards?

Fitz: We live in constant fear of the short ones who, in my experience, will climb four chairs, two boxes, a small coffee table, and six oddly placed stools to get what they want.

-

Stina: You have friends and I envy that.

Marella: You're welcome to share my friends.

Stina: *looks at Dex and Sophie*

Stina: I don't want those.

-

Della: Tommorrow's garbage day.

Fitz: I can't believe you made a whole day dedicated to Alvar.

-

Linh: Bottling up negative emotions is bad for your health, so you shouldn't do it.

Tam: I know, that's why I bottle up all my emotions, both positive and negative, so it cancels out.

Linh: Th-that's not how that works-

-

Marella: Do you want to know your gay name?

Linh: My... my gay name?

Marella: Yeah, it's your first name-

Linh: Haha. Very funny Marella-

Marella: *gets down on one knee* And my last name.

Linh: Oh- oh my god.

-

Glimmer: You know you've made it when you see your picture everywhere you go.

The Black Swan: Those are wanted posters!

-

Biana: Are you mad?

Tam: No.

Biana: So sharpening your knives at 3 in the morning is just a hobby?

-

Keefe: Astrology is fun because i can pretend that all of my behaviors are just a result of being a Gemini and not symptoms of mental illness.

Biana: Being a Gemini is a mental illness. That’s not hate it’s just a fact.

-

Biana: *on the phone* Hey Fitz, do you know my blood type?

Fitz: Of course, it's A+.

Biana: Oh, I guessed wrong. Excuse me, nurse-!

-

Fitz, to Sophie: Are you ready to commit?

Sophie: Like, a crime or a relationship?

-

Literally Anyone: Hey, aren’t you Sophie Foster?

Sophie: You a Councillor?

Literally Anyone: No.

Sophie: Then yes, I am.

-

Sophie: I typed "bitch" into my GPS and guess what? I'm in your driveway.

Stina:

Sophie: Vroom vroom, come out already.

Stina: I’m gay—

Sophie: Not what I meant, but cool.

-

Keefe: Remember that time you dared me to lick a swingset?

Sophie: No, I said "Keefe, don't lick that swingset" and you said "Don't tell me what to do" and licked the swingset.

-

Mr. Forkle: I’m not so sure you’re stakeout material.

Sophie: I’m a chronic insomniac, I was born for this.

-

Juline: I only have two emotions: exhaustion and stress. And I’m somehow always feeling both simultaneously.

-

Marella: *gets set on fire and screams in agony*

Marella: Nah, I’m just kidding. Fire does nothing to me.

-

Biana: Maybe the true treasure was friendship all along. But I hope not, because I can’t spend friendship on new clothes

-

Dex: Do you want to play 20 Questions?

Fitz: Sure!

Fitz: Whats your favorite color?

Dex, laser fucking focused: Triangle. Do you like men?

[if-there-was-any-more-left-of-me]

I need to get this all down.

I shake all day long. My hands mostly, but my whole body too.

I'm always either starving or nauseous and wanna throw up. Nothing I eat makes it better. I crave garbage food and shovel down sugary snacks as fast as I can.

I'm always bloated, painfully so, and gassy. My stomach is swollen and hard, and it hurts to sit, stand, or lay down. I'm constipated most of the week, then visited with violent, painful, explosive diarrhea.

I'm thirsty and I drink and drink and drink but I never feel better.

I can't go to sleep til 5 or 6 am. I wake up at 7 or 8,go back to sleep, wake up at 11 or so and eat breakfast then go back to sleep til 2 or 3 or 4 or 5 pm. When I wake up, I am always The Most Tired I have ever been. I never wake up feeling happy or rested or content. I often have these really intense dreams that are more exhausting than being awake and I wake up panting, shaking, hot and sweaty (even with AC, a fan, and just a sheet), and feeling as though I had been clenching my whole body tight for hours.

Every sound is the most annoying sound ever. The radio, people talking, electronics, pet lickiing foot, water filter. My ears feel big and hollow and resonate these sounds like a big empty tin barn. Some sounds feel more like a thin, long drill bit being driven deep down in my ear.

I can't smile or laugh. I can't lift my head up.

I am so depressed and so angry. I hate the government, I hate the public for letting it all happen, I hate my mother for squandering our money and getting my health insurance canceled and for acting like she's not responsible for me being so sick.

I hate being trapped in this house where I can't even flush the toilet. I hate that my only outing is driving to go feed all the cats.

I hate that I can't use my phone consistently to escape because of the shitty service. I hate that my friends have all forsaken me and don't even wonder about me let alone want to see me.

My memory is gone. I can't remember anything, what time it is, what day it is, who I was just talking to, what I ate for breakfast. I don't know anything. My brain doesn't work. I used to be funny and clever and genuinely smart. But right now I can't figure out how to turn the shower on. People ask me questions and I can't answer. I can't listen to conversation because I dissociate so hard.

My head hurts all the time. Much worse having to drive facing the sunset. I can't see from it. Just painful white glare.

My diabetic neuropathy is getting much worse than the Gabapentin can handle. My feet are numb and everything I touch hurts my hands. Having to do things with my fingers is excruciating.

My back hurts all the time, whether I am trying to work or not. In addition to my lower back injury, it now hurts up high. Any way I move my neck or arms hurts.

I am dizzy all the time. Standing up feels woozy and thick. My knees, ankles, hips buckle when I walk. Obviously, walking hurts my numb feet. I have no sense of balance anymore. I used to be strong and steady.

Without my insurance, I can't follow through with the important testing my GI doctor was doing, which was originally to find out what was causing all my digestive problems, but then also included making sure something she found wasn't cancerous. But that's not important.

I can't afford my allergy pills, which are not important.

I can't see my podiatrist to fix my horribly painful ingrown toenails. Not important.

Can't see the pain management doctor who prescribes my pain medication and does minor pain alleviating procedures. Not important.

Can't see my psychiatrist who was in the process of trying out new depression medication and getting me to a level of functioning. I'm stuck in limbo with a medication that doesn't work for me.

Definitely can't see a therapist cuz even if I could afford it, I would be told every day what a waste it is and that I should manage my problems like SHE does, by yelling at my family and belittling my elderly husband (no that was a actual conversation we had)

Can't afford to get my regular blood work done by my regular doctor that she always insists we do monthly because we're very sick, unmanaged diabetics. I'm not even getting to take the diabetes medication I'm supposed to I'm just taking whatever free samples she has in office

God I miss going to the doctor. But that's not important. You know what's important? A 2005 red ford mustang pony edition that's held under titlemax. I have been told many times that that car will not be relenquished no matter what else has to go. I think that includes m8. Because I am very sick but I keep being told that I am imagining that I can't go to the doctor. I'm imagining that I can't afford my prescription.

Am I imagining the sick cat with a massive infection that's eaten a 2" by 4" patch of skin off his back that he licks raw every day? Am I imagining not being able to afford to take him to the vet? Am I imagining the massive tumors on HER dog? The dozens of them? I guess it's fine that she dies as long as we get to keep the mustang.

I am definitely imagining that the house is infested with millions of fleas and we can't afford the good medication (ie the $15/animal stuff that actually kills fleas) for 3 dogs and 16 cats.

Definitely imagining not being able to get get 14 wild kittens spayed and homed.

But I know I am not imagining the dozens of stray cats we spend more money on every day that we feed. Those are real.

More real I guess than my sister's need for therapy or my dad's need for dental surgery after all of his teeth have rotted out and the infection is getting ready to spread.

But that's not important. My teeth aren't important and it is definitely my fault for not going to the dentist that I have holes and cavities and pain and shit and definitely not because SHE complained constantly about me wasting money by going to the dentist every year (back when we had money) and then obviously not going anymore once the money dried up.

I remember her screaming at me in 2017,threatening to tell the doctors and police that I refused to take my medicine so they'd lock me up because she didn't like how I responded to some of the dozen different meds I tried that year. I remember because now she has convinced herself that I never take my medicine and that all my problems would go away if I would just take my medicine.

I'm so sick. I'm so scared. I'm so angry. I don't know what to do. I just want to scream and tear myself open.

It's getting worse. And every time I say that I'm upset about concentration camps or not being able to get the medicine I need, I get told to take more medicine. I can't take this level of invalidation. The gaslighting. I do not know what is real anymore.

This seems like an afterthought but I also can't buy any healthy snacks to maybe cut back on the horrifying amount of sugar I consume every day because all the food money goes to pet food and sugary treats. And I get yelled at for asking for less sugar in the house. Told to just eat something else but there is nothing else. I don't know what to do. Lacy makes these watery soups out of whatevers in the fridge to feed us. But I want real food.

I can't stop shaking. I know why I am so goddamn sick. Because I am malnourished, angry, frightened, stressed out to the maximum, and have no recourse. Every complaint is met with gaslighting or being told to take more antidepressants, as though they're some kind of magic happy pills.

I want to check myself into the hospital but I can't afford it. I would have already killed myself but I am not villainous enough to abandon my 85 yr old deaf dad whose had 4 strokes and does all the outside work and whom mom screams and ridicules mercilessly. And my sister who's anxiety is on a hair trigger and whom mom loves to trigger and laugh at her panic.

I need a miracle. I need help. I need someone to fucking shoot me in the face. God kill me please I can't take this anymore please

[yukippe]

you may blame aphrodite

5 times mina is a useless lesbian and 1 time the girl she likes is also a mess

the whole version can be found here  or here

+1. jirou

after almost two months of sharing a dorm mina thinks she and jirou have some sort of friendship. their nail polish night helped break the ice and now they go out to dog parks and jirou stops by the ice cream shop with music in exchange for free samples.

their friendship is why mina's never gonna say anything about her stupid crush. she's pretty sure that jirou and yaomomo are dating, so it's not like she even has a chance. bakugo thinks she's stupid but bakugo's bakugo. he's also the only person she's told because sero and kirishima are little shits. mina needs better brothers.

if she had better brothers she wouldn't be cuddling with jirou in her bed as they watch the cat returns. jirou's called her a furry twice even though she's the one who suggested the movie.

mina pulls the blankets up to her chin to see if she can annoy jirou enough to kick her out of bed so she doesn't end up all over her after falling asleep. This plan doesn't work as jirou tugs the blanket back and rests her head on mina's shoulder. her brain starts to scream 'girl! girl! girl!'.

neither girl moves for the rest of the movie and when mina goes to turn it off quiet snores fill the room. mina's torn between recording this and waking jirou up but in the end jirou decides for her as she tugs mina closer to her. she tries to stay awake for a while and inch away from jirou but it's late and she's tired and it doesn't take long for her to fall asleep in jirou's arms.

the next morning mina wakes up to jirou poking her side, redfaced. mina blinks, then she realizes she's using jirou's stomach for a pillow. fuck. it takes her another second to remember that sitting still doesn't equal being invisible and she sits up. jirou nods at her but doesn't move. is this the type of situation where they are supposed to get out of bed now?

mina rolls of the bed in a heap because she's not good with weird tension she doesn't understand. jirou leans over the bed to check on her and mina smiles up at her, she gets a laugh for that and then jirou throws a pillow at her, "get up, i'm not carrying you to class."

it takes them a little longer to actually get moving but eventually they get there. the weirdness between them goes away, which, thank fuck. mina needs a really close friend who doesn't let her blow up stuff. she's hanging off jirou as they walk into breakfast. sero winks at her from where he takes his daily blurry photo of mina being useless around the girl she likes. she swats at him until jirou shoves her onto the bench.

mina peers closely at jirou. she's as sleepy as she always is in the morning so mina puts food on her place and makes sure she doesn't choke or anything.

sero is spoon feeding iida, iida's trying not to blush but it's hard when your boyf is feeding you and a purple haired cat boy is sleeping on your lap. mina's starting to think shinsou and jirou are related because they're both purplish and always sleepy. sero sticks his tongue out at mina when he sees the face she's pulling and mina hmphs and turns back to jirou. jirou's napping on the table.

mina really needs to stop having movie marathons with jirou on school nights. especially since jirou insists on waking up at 7 am with her, most of their class is still sleeping or recovering from whatever game night was going on the night before.

kids eventually trickle in and jirou starts to wake up after bakugo blows up his breakfast on a dare. mina pats jirou's head as an glares at bakugo. she's probably really intimidating but mina's lesbian brain only registers 'hot girl.' it's fine though because mina's used to being reduced to a dumbass around jirou.

once jirou's awake she takes one look at mina's non uniform shoes and grabs her by the hand to drag her back to their dorm. "jirou, c'mon, i'm just going to change into my hero costume or our gym uniform anyways."

jirou turned around and hmed at her, "how do you think aizawas gonna react to you wearing denim flip flops and socks."

"but aizawa will probably be already sleeping," mina protested. the look she got made her reach for the nearest solid thing to hide behind. sero wriggles out of her grip and jumps into iida's arms.

jirou takes her hand back and mina goes with her, slightly less resistant. mina pulls out loafers under jirou's gaze and they walk to homeroom.

mina hooks their arms together and tilts her head towards jirou's to try and hear what she's listening to. jirou may be physically awake but she isn't talkative until homeroom's almost over. she doesn't understand how jirou manages to sleep through aizawas lectures or mina being mina.

jirou acknowledges mina's interest in whatever she's blasting into her ears by giving her one of the earbuds. it's some english song. mina's doing pretty good in english because present mic is helping her out after class (her parents are dying) so she understands most of it. it's something about wanting to be more than friends? mina focuses, "don't wanna be your friend. wanna something something lose your something."

mina shrugs internally. (she doesn't want to move too much because jirou's started to lean on her) she can ask jirou about the song later.

they trip into homeroom as jirou seems to have fallen asleep on mina's shoulder so she helps her into her seat and heads over to hers. jirou slumps on to her desk and mina takes a picture with the phone that technically shouldn't be in her hand at the moment but is. aizawa's probably giving her a look from under his desk.

class is halfway through when aizawa catches her, sero and kirishima's passing notes. she and sero are ganging up on kirishima because he still hasn't asked bakugo out yet. aizawa doesn't read it aloud to the class but he does pass it to bakugo. mina smothers her laugh into her arm as kirishima's quirk activates and his hand gets stuck in his hair. bakugo slowly turns in his seat to look at kirishima, getting a good look of kirishima being an idiot.

class doesn't end in one piece but when things start to go blasty iida scoops sero up in his arms and mina jumps on his back and let's him vroom them out of the room. "whooooo!!!!!!" sero and her yell as they go.

the only person injured is dark shadow, mina doesn't know how a shadow gets injured or how it even got out of tokoyami's insides. she's not sure she wants to know. sero and iida leave her with the rest of 1a as they head off to find shinsou and mina slides next to jirou. class 1a has a sort of break because the room's on fire so they're waiting in the hallway.

"hey," jirou says. "did you get detention for jumping on iida?"

mina tries to lean back onto the wall in a cool-like position. she almost falls. "nah, if i did iida would try to take detention as well and i don't know if that's legal."

jirou laughs even though mina's a dumbass and her laugh is so good mina almost falls again. jirou reaches over to stabilize her and winks once she's gotten her footing. mina opens her mouth to say something most likely stupid when she hears music from jirou's earbuds.

"hey, you were playing that earlier," mina moves closer to try and hear. for some reason jirou's cheeks are red. "what song is that?"

jirou swallows, "it's. uh it's called i wanna be your girlfriend."

mina's brain disconnects, "oh? that's nice."

jirou nods slowly, "yes. it is."

"i like it."

"me too."

the girls stand there in the hallway staring at each other. mina thinks she should do something but she's not sure what. it's not like jirou wants to be her girlfriend, that's just the name of the song.

jirou nods again, maybe there's something wrong with her neck-"i've been listening to it for a reason," she says. she must be getting really close with yao-momo, mina thinks.

"i like you," jirou tells her. she's playing with her earphone's so she must be worrie-

mina blinks. "me? are you sure?" there's a groan somewhere in the background and a noise that sounds like bakugo's face hitting his palm.

jirou's almost as pink as her at this point, " yeah idiot. i like you. i wanna be your girlfriend and stuff."

mina doesn't completely know what's going on but she crashes into jirou and hugs her tight as she can. jirou laughs as mina picks her up and spins around and holy fuck mina's so ducking happy. jirou taps on her shoulder to be let down and mina puts her back on the ground, gently as she can.

the two girls share a stupid smile as they stand in front of each other. "kiss!!" hagakure tells them. mina winces as she remembers their class is in the hall with them. jirou flops under mina's arm and rudely gestures to their class.

they stay close together for the rest of the day. sero keeps making kissy faces, thankfully bakugo and kirishima are too busy figuring out feelings to make fun of mina's feelings. when curfew starts mina and jirou pass by aizawa holding hands.

mina's pretty sure they're breaking a rule dating and rooming. that's pretty cool. when she tells that to jirou jirou laughs and kisses her cheek.

they aren't doing anything different than before as they put in kiki's delivery service. mina's determined to make sure she and jirou finish all the ghibli movies.

when they're about to climb into bed mina stops, "are we sharing a bed?"

jirou pauses, "which one?" the girls stare at each other. it takes them a little longer and a google search to decide to push the beds together. mina folds herself into jirou's arms, it feels like the safest place in the world. jirou presses a kid to the top of her head, "night."

mina's face has a stupid grin, "g'night."

[breeeliss]

[Miraculous Ladybug]: It’s All Hype!

pretend that i posted this like two days ago and im already writing day 5 prompts k thanks

--

[Day 2: Banter] [Day 4: Common Interests]

Link to Archive of Our Own: [AO3]

--

Title: It’s All Hype! Pairings: Ladynoir (Ladybug x Chat Noir), Adrienette (Adrien x Marinette) Summary: Alya accidentally gets the Internet in a frenzy after announcing that Ladybug and Chat Noir are dating, but the two heroes are adamant about correcting the error and making sure the world knows that they’re just friends. So Alya proposes a staged public break up to set everything right.

In hindsight, she really underestimated how utterly freaking difficult that would be.

Day 3: Explosive

“So can I ask you something since you’re my publicist now?”

Alya was sitting in the shade underneath a large oak tree in the middle of the park they were hanging out in. Because it was Sunday, it was relatively empty. There were only around ten or so people, and they didn’t seem interested in causing a fuss over the two heroes being here, so Alya thought it was a safe spot for the three of them to have a quick lunch. She snuck in a takeout container she’d picked up from the Thai place right next to her house, deciding that she needed the energy if she was going to be tackling this break up scheme for any longer. She spoke through a mouthful of noodles. “You do realize I’m not a real publicist, right?”

“Maybe not, but you’re good at your temporary job,” Chat Noir said, sitting on the park bench right across from Alya and chewing thoughtfully on a piece of baguette. “And I trust your opinion.”

“Okay, so what’s your question?”

“Am I allowed to sponsor small businesses? You know, like get on camera, hold up a product and say something like, ‘I am Chat Noir and I’m going to head on over to Tom & Sabine’s for a nice croissant.’”

Alya snorted. “Liking the bread that much, huh?”

“It is literally to die for!” he moaned in delight, taking another huge bite. He poked Ladybug who was next to him calmly eating from the takeout container she’d gotten from the same restaurant Alya had stopped at. “You sure you don’t want any? The bakery is literally right across the street. I always try and pick up something when I’m in the neighborhood.”

“Even transformed?” she teased.

“Of course! The owners love me. Ever since that Animan akuma, they give me free samples. You should take advantage.”

“I’ll make sure to try next time.”

“I’m not much of a commercial filmer. Although…” She put her food aside, took out her cellphone, and held up the camera. “Hold up the packaging with their logo on it and pretend like you’re about to take a huge bite.”

Chat Noir did as he was told, turning the paper packaging the baguette was in towards the camera so that the T&S symbol could be seen. He stopped just short of taking a bite off the bread and even managed to fit in a small wink before Alya snapped a couple of pictures. “I’ll throw them up later. I’m sure they’ll appreciate the buzz.”

“Sweet,” Chat Noir grinned.

“Wait, I have a publicity question,” Ladybug said. “I’ve been thinking….why are we going through the trouble of staging a fake break up for a relationship that isn’t real if we can just tell everyone that we’re dating other people? Wouldn’t that be simpler?”

Alya and Chat Noir winced simultaneously. “That might get messy,” Alya informed. “Like super duper messy.”

“Why? It’s the truth, isn’t it? It’s not like we’ll drop names or anything like that.”

“Yeah, but do you ever see how the Internet gets over celebrities who are secretly dating other regular people?” Chat Noir asked her. “Right now people are guessing the date of our future wedding which is annoying for us but still pretty harmless. But if we say we’re dating other people, thousands of people are either going to pretend that they’re dating us or start getting to really skeevy levels of stalking to try and figure out who we’re dating. Let’s not even start with the Twitter and Tumblr wars all that’s going to start. That happened with this Gabriel model who was in a lot of their women’s fashion ads. It was a total disaster and she had to get off Instagram. Trust me. Not worth it.”

“At least if you guys pretend to break up, the most the fans are going to do is cry over it and set up altars to pray for you guys to get back together,” Alya explained. “You’re definitely going to get those super creepy fans, but at least you’ll have considerably fewer of them.”

Ladybug leaned back in her chair. “Wow, I’m impressed. Didn’t know the two of you knew the inner workings of fandom culture so well.”

“Spend literally a day on Tumblr or Twitter and you will be forcefully acquainted with it,” Alya muttered.

“Fandoms are scary, my Lady,” Chat Noir nodded. “And our fandom is very passionate. You really need to read the Ladyblog comments more often.”

“There are hundreds of thousands of them, I’ll pass.”

“I pretty much ghostwrote like half of them. I really recommend you read them.”

Ladybug flicked him on the nose and ignored him. “So what’s our next move and why are we in the park? Not that I don’t appreciate the lunch break but it’s kind of chilly out here.”

Alya pointed her chopsticks at the two of them. “Well, seeing as how you two are apparently incapable of faking an angry falling out — and I don’t know whether that’s impressive or pathetic — we’ve got to opt for a completely different strategy. And we’re in the park because I needed the food and the fresh air since the two of you are enough to make a sane person drink.”

Chat Noir frowned. “You’re not old enough to drink.”

“Exactly. That’s how stressed I am.”

Ladybug pouted self-consciously. “We’re not really good at the whole getting angry at each other thing. Sorry.”

“Not to worry, Ladybug. This is me we’re talking about. I already have another idea for how to break you guys up.”

“Does it involve more script reading?” Chat Noir giggled.

Ladybug smacked him on the shoulder. “You are never going to leave me alone about this, are you?”

“Not for at least the next two weeks.”

“Definitely no scripts,” Alya decided. “You two can’t be trusted. We’re going to have to go for something that involves a lot less talking but is just as explosive.”

“Sooooo….like an actual explosion?”

Alya stared at him for a very long moment. “....how the hell is that going to help your current predicament?”

“I don’t know, I’m just spitballing here!”

“Getting you into a yelling match isn’t going to work because you guys can’t manage to insult each other properly,” Alya explained. “So we’re going to totally change up the mood. Which one of you is good at crying?”

Ladybug jutted her thumb towards Chat Noir. “He cries whenever he sees stray cats sleeping in gutters or cardboard boxes. Literally. Just completely starts bawling.”

“They don’t have homes Ladybug!” Chat Noir insisted. “They’re all cold and alone in the streets with no one to love them.”

“Alright, this is what you’re going to do,” Alya instructed. “You’re going to remember every single stray cat you’ve ever seen and start sobbing harder than you ever have in your life. All those kittens without homes. Stuck in the gutters. No hope in sight. Ladybug is going to do her best to calm you down, tell you it’s okay, that it’s not a big deal, but it’s not going to help. You’re going to storm off, tell her you need time alone, and walk away from her. I want this dramatic, I want this explosive, and I want this convincing.”

“How is him crying over stray cats going to make it seem like we broke up?”

“Because it’s not going to matter what you say. From far away, Chat Noir crying over stray cats and you trying to comfort him could easily be Chat Noir crying over a failed relationship and you trying to convince him back into it. I’ll film this from so far away. People won’t be able to hear anything, but they’re going to assume the worst. I’ll spice it up with my own impressions of your doomed relationship and make it really snazzy, don’t worry. All I need you two to do is go through the motions.”

Ladybug snorted. “Well, I don’t think that’ll be too hard. We go through this exact scenario like twice a week.”

“I’m going to send you YouTube videos about homeless animals and kill shelters,” Chat Noir said. “Then I dare you to come back to me the next day and tell me that I’m overreacting.”

“This time, no rehearsals!” Alya demanded, glaring at the two of them. “Everything’s gotta happen on camera. Is that clear?”

Ladybug and Chat Noir nodded while Alya threw out her lunch container and wiped the blades of grass off her jeans. “Alright, first thing’s first. Chat Noir. Start crying.”

Chat Noir blinked. “Wait. Like….like right now ?”

“Um, yeah? That’s the whole point of this.”

“I can’t just cry out of the blue! My emotions can’t be faked! I have to feel the tears.”

“Are you serious?” Alya complained. “I thought you said that you were a good crier.”

“I said that I’m good at crying,” Chat clarified. “Not that I can just cry on demand. That’s too much pressure. I need to be in the right mood!”

Alya turned slowly to Ladybug. “And I’m assuming you aren’t capable of crying spontaneously, is that right?”

Ladybug lifted her hands. “We already discussed that I’m not a good actress. If you’re going to ask anyone to fake a crying fit, he’s your best bet.”

Alya sighed. “Alright, well what do you need to help you start crying?”

Chat Noir hummed. “Not sure. I’ve never had to fake cry before.”

“Oh my God,” Ladybug groaned, leaning over to poke Alya on the shoulder. “Give me your phone. I’ll handle this.”

“I need to see a stray cat otherwise it’s not going to work.”

“Can’t you just imagine a stray cat?” Alya asked. “That’s good enough.”

“No, my imagination can’t properly replicate the visceral emotions that go into seeing a real live cat out in the streets abandoned by their family and sitting there without a home. The human mind is incapable of a task that huge.”

“So what, do you suggest that we go out hunting for stray cats then!?”

Chat Noir’s face lit up. “That’s a great idea! Let’s find a stray cat!”

Alya gaped at him. “You’re joking.” She turned to Ladybug. “He’s joking, right?”

Ladybug looked up from scrolling on Alya’s phone and gave her a flat stare. “Take a wild guess.”

Fifteen minutes later Chat Noir was running four blocks away to the local pet shop, buying two bags of cat treats, and making Ladybug and Alya accompany him while he crawled on his hands and knees around Paris trying to find a stray cat to cry over. He was checking on rooftops, underneath cars, in alleyways, and behind dumpsters, holding out cat treats and meowing loudly in order to make it easier for them to approach him. At one point, Chat Noir was sat at the top of a tree to get a better view of the neighborhood while Alya leaned against the trunk with a scowl on her face.

“Okay, this was a stupid idea,” she decided. “We should just move on to Plan C.”

“It’s a little late for that,” Ladybug snorted. “It isn’t even about the fake break up anymore. He just really wants an excuse to go hunting for strays. He’s been meaning to get a pet for months.”

“This part of the city is too busy, we’re never going to find one! Is there nothing else that’ll make him cry?”

“Working on it.” Ladybug called up to Chat Noir while staring at a web page that she had pulled up on Alya’s phone. “Okay so I found a website that says if you yawn really big — like open your mouth super wide — and then blink your eyes a bunch of times, it’ll naturally produce tears and help you start crying.”

“The last website you found told me not to blink!” Chat Noir called back. “So which one is it?”

“No the last one said to keep your eyes wide open and then blink really quickly.”

“So do I have to keep my eyes open while I yawn? Is that even possible?”

“No! Just yawn, you dummy!”

“Where are you even looking?”

“I’m Googling! These are the first results that are popping up!”

Chat Noir widened his eyes and pointed ahead of him. “Look! It’s a restaurant! I’m sure that are little kitties digging through the trash. Let’s go!”

Ladybug turned to Alya and shrugged. “Maybe bringing up the whole stray cat idea was my bad.”

“No, I encouraged it,” Alya grumbled. She rolled her eyes when Chat Noir leaped behind a bush and left a small pile of cat treats before slinking off underneath a parked car to do the same. “Do you have to deal with this all the time?”

“Don’t get me wrong, he’s very dependable, very loyal, and I trust him with my life. When it comes to his job, there’s no one better than him. Outside of that? He’s a complete dork and stunts like this are the norm. Gotta accept him for who he is, you know?”

Alya pointed ahead of them. “Ladybug, he’s leaving trails of food down the sidewalk like Hansel and Gretel.”

“Chat, that’s littering!” Ladybug called out. “We’re going to get in trouble!”

“It’s for the cats! So they can follow me!”

Ladybug snorted in laughter. “Can you help me pick all these up?” she asked Alya. “If he does find a cat to keep, he’ll want the treats.”

“Sure. Oh, by the way. Is Chat ticklish? Maybe if we tickle him hard enough he’ll start crying and I can start filming.”

“Don’t know if he’s ticklish but if you can find any bird feathers that might work. He’s deathly allergic to them and his eyes get all watery if he’s anywhere near them.”

Chat Noir spent the next half hour fully invested in his cat hunt while Ladybug and Alya followed close behind, casually chatting about summer plans, favorite places to study in the city, and whether or not Ladybug was ready for her end of year exams. Deciding that she might as well take advantage of the situation, Alya made it a point to grab footage of Chat Noir looking in every nook and cranny around the city for cats so that she could edit it together into a funny little video for her blog. In between, Ladybug kept trying to find threads on the Internet of theater kids sharing advice on how to fake tears on stage in case the whole cat idea went south. The search seemed hopeless until, almost out of nowhere, Chat Noir screamed at the top of his lungs.

Alya quickly grabbed her phone back while Ladybug called over to Chat Noir who was staring into the alleyway with a strange look on his face.“What is it?” she asked. “What did you find?”

Chat Noir was gaping at something that Alya couldn’t see, but judging by the way his bottom lip started trembling, she had a pretty good guess at what it was. She leaned over and whispered into Ladybug’s ear. “Are those the waterworks?”

“Oh yeah,” she muttered back. “He’s definitely going to lose it.”

“Okay, approach carefully,” Alya instructed. “Wait for him to really let it out and then go up to him to try and comfort him. Try to stage it so that it looks like a dramatic fight.”

“Roger that.”

Alya stayed back to film from afar so that it would look like she just happened upon the two heroes having a conversation in the street. Ladybug carefully approached Chat Noir and schooled her expression into a look of worry. “Chat, what’s wrong, you can tell me.”

“I can’t even believe this….” he muttered, his voice sounding thick with tears that were just waiting to trickle down his face. “This is so awful.”

“What’s so awful?” Ladybug asked. “Talk to me please.”

Chat Noir was already leaving tear tracks down his mask and cheeks and he was furiously rubbing away at his eyes while Alya filmed the whole thing on her phone. This was perfect. They both looked incredibly convincing, especially Chat Noir who was sniffling and mumbling words into the hand that was covering his mouth and fruitlessly trying to hold back his whimpers. There was a small crowd forming across the street at the scene and Alya made sure to get a quick shot of that too just for good measure.

Ladybug was still talking to him, getting closer to the alley and trying to see if she could find a way to gently approach him, but Chat Noir didn’t give her a chance before he dove into the alley, looked through the old discarded junk probably left by the tenants of the apartment building right next to them, and plucked out a cardboard box. Even from all the way over here, Alya could hear a chorus of small meows coming from the box, and Chat Noir’s crying turned into full blown sobbing as he tipped the opening of the box towards Ladybug to see.

“Look at this!” he blubbered. “Look how young they are and someone just left them in the cold in an old smelly box.”

“Oh my God, they’re babies!” Ladybug gasped, peeking into the box and shoving aside the single thin pillowcase that was meant to serve as a flimsy blanket. She bit her lip and covered her mouth. “They don’t look more than a couple of weeks old. And there’s six of them.”

“Who would do that!?” Chat Noir wailed, garnering the attention of everyone within a block radius. “They’re just little kittens. Who would throw them out and keep them away from their Mama like this? Why are people so cruel ?”

“Maybe they couldn’t take care of the kittens anymore and didn’t want to deal with the hassle of selling them,” Ladybug reasoned. “I’ve heard that happens a lot. They look like they really need their Mama’s milk. This is so sad.”

“ Sad!?” Chat Noir exclaimed. “This isn’t sad! This is a travesty! Of all the indecent, inhuman, and inconceivable stunts that someone could possibly pull, this has got to be the most heinous. This is mindless cruelty! I can’t believe people would dare treat cats this way!” He picked up a kitten, nuzzled it to his cheek, and stared at the group of people still staring on at the scene. “Look at this!” he told them. “Look at how cute their faces are! How could anyone do this?”

Ladybug looked nervously between Alya and all the concerned whispers from across the street and rubbed a hand on Chat Noir’s back. “Come on, kitty, it’s okay. We’ll just take them to the no-kill shelter nearby and have them take care of these little guys. Then everything will be fine.”

“No. That’s not enough. Here hold this.” He shoved the box of kittens into Ladybug’s arms, stood up on one of the outdoor chairs that belonged to the café right next door, and started speaking to the quickly growing group of spectators in front of him. “This kind of behavior is unacceptable, my fellow Parisians. There is something called the sanctity of life, and that sanctity runs deeper than just consideration for human life. It spreads to the lives of every living being in this world. We have a duty as responsible citizens to commit ourselves to the safety and wellbeing of all animals in our city. This atrocious behavior should not be accepted.”

A few people cheered and clapped at his words, and pretty soon Chat Noir was falling into a speech about treating animals with respect, abolishing kill shelters in the city, making community efforts to rescue homeless animals, and doing their part to help those small, fluffy creatures in the city who couldn’t help themselves. It was a great speech — so great that Alya was rather impressed that it wasn’t rehearsed beforehand. Pretty soon there was a pretty sizeable crowd listening on and cheering along with Chat Noir while people pulled out their phones to film and Snapchat the passionate rant. When he was done, everyone clapped and chanted his name while he carefully took the box from Ladybug, wiped his tears, and started walking towards the no-kill shelter. All along the way people were shaking his hands, asking to see the kittens, and offering to pay any expenses that would go into taking care of them.

Ladybug walked over to stand next to Alya who had finally stopped filming the entire scene and pocketed her phone. “So,” Ladybug said conversationally. “Can any of that be used to fake our break up?”

Alya sighed. “No. Definitely not. We got out staged by a box full of abandoned kittens. Which means I’m going to have to think of a Plan C.”

“Well, you wanted explosive. And this was definitely explosive.”

“Yeah no kidding. Didn’t think the kid had all of that in him.”

“Thanks for understanding, though. He really needed to do that.”

“He’s going to become Paris’s favorite humanitarian overnight, you know that?” Alya smirked. She patted her pocket. “This is all going up on the Internet. If you two aren’t going to give me any break up material, then at least I can edit together a good video about Chat Noir rescuing kittens during his day off.”

“That’s good to hear!” Ladybug smiled. “But, if you don’t mind my asking, what’s Plan C?“

“Well, it’s funny you should mention that, because I have no freakin’ clue.”

[twilight-alchemist]

Thalassophile

Ao3- x

for @varusai

Thalassophile- a person who loves the sea

Summary: Saitama lives on a small boathouse in a hidden bay, just her and the sea. She thinks she’s content until she gets a curious visitor that upsets the balance of the little world she’s made for herself.

It’s one of those gray days, where the sea and sky are joined in one great foggy expanse across the coastline. Saitama quickly strips down to her bathing suit and pulls her goggles from around her neck to over her eyes. She wanted to come out and swim hours ago, but sleeping in was better. At least she’s doing it now. The smooth wood of her boat’s deck is cool under her feet as she steps down onto the platform just above the water’s surface. She jumps and the water is shockingly cold as it closes over her head. She pops back up to the surface and shivers as the cold jolts her fully awake. Treading water is easy, feeling supported and safe with water all around her. This is the best part of everyday. She kicks off and dives under. The sea is dark today, with no sunlight to reach below the waves. The wind is still and so are the currents; the resulting calm making the water as clear as glass.

Saitama glides easily through the water. The quiet is thick around her until she pops up for air and hears seabirds yelling at each other like old women fighting over the last free sample at the supermarket. She rolls over to float on her back, staring up at the sky. Normally she’d look for shells and cool fish, but today it’s hard to see much. Floating is fine.

She knows the bay well, every out cropping, every oyster bed, every place the seals haul out to warm in the sun. With her ears in the water she can faintly hear the whales singing past the coastline, where the ocean is deep and vast. She’s swam with them there before; it was nirvana. Restless, she dives again. She longs to go swim with them now. She would need her boat to be running though, and the engines not getting fixed until tomorrow when Mumen can swing by. Her feet touch sand and she half-sits on the seafloor. A crab skitters by her, waving its claws in warning, and a small school of silver fish dart around her to disappear into the depths. Her mind is as still as the water as one minute, and then two tick by. It’s peaceful here, away from land and all its troubles. Safe.

A large highlight appears in the distance, a smear of white against darkness, and Saitama stiffens. There are seals around here, so it wouldn’t be the first time she’s seen a shark in her bay. But she’s never heard of a shark this big. Her instincts scream at her to move, but she knows she’s safest staying right where she is. The creature moves closer and Saitama nearly sucks in seawater with the urge to gasp. There’s a mermaid only meters away from her. They’re so rare that little is known about them, beyond that they are intelligent and capable of speech. This one is clearly some kind of whale as she’s huge and scale-less. Most bizarrely, one of her arms is cybernetic. Saitama stares at the mermaid who stares back unblinkingly. Her eyes are black and gold and almost seem to glow in the dim water. Minutes pass and Saitama needs to breathe. Slowly, as to not startle the mermaid, she swims upward. The mermaid follows after her as she scrambles up onto her boat. She lifts her head above the water and blinks up at Saitama.

“Are you lost?” Saitama asks, feeling foolish only moments later for asking.

The mer lets out a small chirping laugh, revealing sharp teeth. “No, I’m not lost.” She speaks as someone who’s unfamiliar with English, with halts and odd vowel sounds. She pats the boat deck curiously. “My family- the whales… want to know how you swim. Like a seal, but a human.” The mermaid frowns. “Are you a selkie?”

“No!” Saitama squeaks. “I’m a human.”

“Then how do you hold your breath?”

“Lots of practice.”

The mermaid seems to think on this. “What are you called?”

“Saitama.” She says. “And you?”

The mermaid makes a series of hums and clicks.

“I don’t think I can pronounce that.” Saitama admits.

The mermaid looks annoyed. “It is not hard.”

“My vocal cords don’t do that.”

She huffs. “You can call me Genos. It is the name on my tag.” She points to a bright pink tag on her dorsal fin.

As she turns Saitama notices that the same side with the cybernetic arm is a mess of old scar tissue, faded pink against ivory. “Okay. Your family is the humpback pod? But they’re not mermaids.”

Genos looks unimpressed by this observation. “I am adopted. I lost my pod and arm to a sea monster when I was a calf.”

“Oh. Sorry.” There an awkward silence, and Saitama motions to the cybernetic arm. “Who made you that?”

“Dr.Kuseno. He found me on the beach after the attack, saved me. A mer without an arm and without a pod is dead, but because of him I did not die.” Genos rests her arms on the back of the boat, causing the whole ship to list towards her and Saitama to squeak. “Now I protect the whales who took me in. None of the other resident merfolk would take me in, because I’m not family. They also think I’m weird looking.” Genos frowns at that. “They say the sound of my arm hurts their ears, but I do not hear anything. They do not like that I am not mostly black, like a resident mer should be. They say all the white means I’m a ‘dirty transient seal-eater’.”

Saitama processes all this information. She’s talking to mermaid. She’s easily as long as the boat from head to tail tip, making her nearly 25 feet long. She’s tan from her head to her chest but it fades to pure white and then cuts into black at the end of her arm and tail. She has short platinum blonde hair that looks as oily and thick as an otters. ‘Probably to keep her warm where she has no fat’ Saitama thinks. She’s definitely chubby, not that much different than Saitama herself. Certainly helps to prevent getting a chill.

“You don’t have ears.” Saitama blurts when she notices. Genos blinks at her.

“Yes I do, or how would we be talking?” Genos says, her tail swishing through the water and rocking the boat. “I forgot how stupid humans are. You don’t have any hair but I wasn’t nosy about it.” She starts grooming the fur on her head, running he hands over her neck and through her fur as she fluffs it. She looks more human like that, with her hair mussed and her tongue poking out in focus.

Saitama huffs at the insult. “Hey I’m not the one grooming myself like a cat.”

“What is a cat?”

“Forget it.” Saitama snaps. Genos visibly wilts. Saitama mentally smacks herself for being an ass.

“How old are you?” she asks. Genos perks up at that.

“19.” She says.

“You’re uh, big for 19.”

Genos preens at that. “Yes! The whales always tell me ‘little one you are so small! Like a new calf!’ and I am much older than a calf.” She splashes her tail with a slap that echoes around the bay.

Saitama nods as she shuffles around the tilted boat, grabbing what she needs for lunch. There may be a mermaid on her boat but she’s still hungry. Saitama’s appetite is one thing that has never failed her. The oysters are still in the cooler, though nearly knocked over, and she sets it next to her and pulls one out. She sets about shucking it open with a dull knife, looking for weak points in the seam of the shell. Genos watches curiously as Saitama fits her blade between the seam, prying it open with a crunch. “Want it?” Saitama offers. Genos eyes her.

“That’s food?”

“Yeah, it’s good.”

“Is too small to even be a snack.” Genos says, but she takes it anyway. She just holds it, watching as Saitama shucks another one. Saitama adds lemon to hers and throws is back. It’s not her favorite food, but free lunch is free lunch. There’s enough oysters in this bay to feed her for years. Genos eyes Saitama and slurps the oyster out of the shell. She smacks her lips and inches closer. “Can I have another one?”

“Yeah there’s plenty.” Saitama hands her a shucking knife and a handful of oysters. They seem so small in Genos’ hands, and Saitama notes the thick webbing between her fingers. “Here, just find the weak point in the shell and jam it open. It might take you a few tries to get the hand of it.”

Genos easily prys open the first one, and Saitama raises her eyebrows. “Lucky first try.”

Genos repeats it perfectly with a second one. “I saw you do it, so I figured it out.” Genos hums, munching on the oysters. “And I am much stronger than you.” She breaks another shell open with brutal efficiency and hands it to Saitama. “Here.”

“Thanks.” Saitama says, somewhat impressed. She considers frying some of the oysters for variety, but with the ship tilted it’s probably a bad idea to cook on the stove. They eat in quiet for a while, until Genos insists on trying some of Saitama’s lemon slices and shrieks so loud Saitama thinks her ears will burst.

“That’s like trying to eat a stinging jellyfish.” Genos wails. “How do you enjoy that?!”

Saitama shrugs. “I don’t know, it’s good on things. Normally you don’t just eat the peel and all. If you hate that then don’t even think of trying cocktail sauce.” Saitama holds up a little jar of it from the cooler, and adds some to her next oyster.

“I want to try it.” Genos says.

“Are you stupid?” Saitama drawls, eating her oyster. “It’s spicy. I don’t think the ocean has spicy, just like it doesn’t have sour.”

Genos makes puppy eyes at her until Saitama gives in, handing her an oyster with cocktail sauce in it. Genos eats it and pulls such a face that Saitama nearly tumbles backwards into the boat from laughing. Genos sulks low in the water, just her eyes and the top of her head poking out.

“I did warn you.” Saitama says. Genos makes a series of annoyed clicks and thrashes her tail, stirring up the sediment in the bay and clouding the water. She pauses to listen, head cocked, and disappears under the water. Saitama can hear her clicking and warbling. Genos pops back up.

“The whales are checking on me. I think they trust you more than other humans, but they worry about me.” Genos frowns. “Whenever you went to swim with them before they made me hide.”

Saitama hums “So that’s why I’ve never seen you with the pod.”

Genos nods. “Our matriarch says that long ago, humans would abduct merfolk, and so we should be careful.” Genos reaches out to poke at Saitama’s toes, making her jump as claws skim the pads of her feet. “But you are always alone, and your ship is small. You live on the water, and you swim like a seal. You are a strange human.”

“Hey my boat’s not small it’s just compact.” Saitama grumbles, tucking her feet up under her so Genos will stop poking at her toes. “And I’m not strange. I just like being alone, and being near the ocean.”

“I don’t like being alone.” Genos hums, looking out towards the mouth of the bay. Saitama turns to see what she’s looking at. The waves crash against the rocks there and the push and pull of the tides is mesmerizing. Genos is staring at something out past the waves, like a half-forgotten memory. “The ocean is vast and often empty, and it is easy to lose yourself if you are alone.” Her expression is deeply sad, and Saitama scrambles to say something.

“You have the whales now. And you could always come visit me again.”

Genos lights up. “Really?”

“Yeah, I mean, if you want to.” Saitama mumbles. “I don’t think I’m that interesting.”

“I think you are.” Genos rolls over so she’s floating on her back and clasps her hands over her chest, looking like an overgrown sea otter. Saitama grabs her short flippers and tugs them on so she can have small hope of keeping up. She slides off the platform and swims around Genos’ side. Genos stays carefully still, watching her. She seems even bigger up close, and Saitama can’t help but run her hands over her tail where white merges with black. Her skin is soft and cool to the touch. Genos squeaks and twitches away from her hands, rolling over and resting low in the water again. The mermaid reaches a hand out for Saitama and she nearly flinches away. Her large hands are pure black and tipped with claws and Sai’s base brain sends off panic signals. Saitama reaches her hand out in return and Genos gently pokes at her palm, examining her fingers and blunt nails.

“Are you really adult size?” Genos asks.

“Yeah, I’m full grown. You must be too, right? You’re already as big as an adult orca.”

“I have hit maturity if that is what you mean, but I still have a lot of growing to do.” Genos says. “Maybe in a few hundred years I will be big enough to kill the sea monster.”

“Uh, how big is that?”

“About as big as my moms, the humpbacks.”

Saitama whistles. “I’ve heard merfolk could get that big but it’s never been confirmed.”

“Yes, it is not that unusual. Humans are just terrible at finding things in the ocean that do not want to be found.” Genos hums. She looks up at the sky, squinting as the sun starts to break through the clouds. The bay lights up around them and Saitama smiles at the way the water sparkles. She pulls her goggles up and dives down, running her hands over the soft sand on the seafloor. Genos alternates floating over her and swimming circles around the bay. When Saitama breaks for air Genos comes up to breathe as well.

“Let’s go swim out there.” She says, pointing to were the waves break against the rocks. Saitama frowns.

“I’d like to, but I can’t swim through that. It’s fine for me to take the boat through it but the current there is too strong to swim against and I could get thrown into the rocks.” Genos smiles, which manages to be both cute and unnerving. She turns so her back is to Saitama.

“Grab my dorsal fin and I can get you through.” She says. Saitama figures she can now check mermaid riding off her non-existent bucket list. She quickly discovers that trying to climb up Genos’ smooth side is nearly impossible. With some undignified splashing she manages to get to her curved dorsal fin and hold on. Genos dives and surges forward with such force that Saitama nearly loses her grip. It isn’t even moments before they shoot out of the bay and hit open ocean, the sea floor falling away beneath them. The whale calls are much clearer now and Genos calls back to them several times. She hovers in the water, still and listening. The whales calls are haunting and beautiful, and Saitama realizes that Genos’ signing is almost like someone slowly playing a violin. Saitama lets go of Genos’ fin and swims a circle around her. She then swims down, aiming for the dim seabed below them. Genos follows slowly after, clicking in concern as they go deeper and deeper. Saitama touches the bottom and feels herself go lightheaded, kicking off and swimming upward. When she breaks the surface she sucks in air, the head rush disorienting.

“Why do that?” Genos asks.

“Just to prove I can.” Saitama says, grinning. It’s easy to tread water with her flippers on, and she sucks in air until the sky stops spinning. She pulls in a deep breath and dives again. Genos swims loops around her, graceful and controlled. Saitama grabs her arm on the next pass and let’s herself be gently pulled along. The ocean is all encompassing and so serene, and Saitama imagines she could almost nap like this. Unfortunately she’d drown. If only she’d been born a mermaid like Genos.

Two whales emerge from the distant haze and approach quickly. It’s clear that they’re having some kind of conversation with Genos as she picks up her singing again. Saitama notices a calf peeking out from under its mother, curious as to what’s going on. Genos wiggles out of her grip and swims to the calf. They squeak at each other. It must be a game, because the next moment Genos is zipping away, the calf hot on her tail. They both breach the surface and slam back down with a great splash. The calf’s mother rolls over on her back and Saitama swims along her side, amazed as always by how peaceful the massive creature are. Genos and the calf return only to race away, and Saitama realizes the game is tag. Genos slows and doubles back until she is caught, making a big fuss about it. The calf returns to mom and pauses to give Saitama the big eye, floating sideways to get a good look at her. Saitama wants to laugh at the calf’s expression, but then she’d lose her breath. Genos drifts overhead and gently lifts her under the arms and tows her to the surface. When they break the surface she rolls over so Saitama is perched on her belly. The mermaid gives Saitama a look not unlike the calf a few moments ago.

“Are you sure you are not a selkie?” She asks as Saitama yanks her goggles off with a pop.

“Yes, I’m just a human with no survival instincts.” Saitama jokes as she pulls air into her burning lungs. Genos starts to move back towards the bay and Saitama flounders. “Wait! Will we get to swim together again?”

“Maybe.” Genos says. “Depends on when the matriarch decides we move on. It might be tomorrow, or it might be moons from now.” Genos pauses and Saitama thinks she might be blushing. “I’d like if we could swim together again soon.” Genos lifts Saitama back onto the boat and hovers in the water. Saitama pulls off her flippers and goggles, grabbing a fluffy towel to throw around her shoulders and ward off the growing chill of evening. “I have to go.” Genos says, looking for all the world like that is the last thing she wants to do.

“There’s always tomorrow.” Saitama hums, and she turns to climb back into her boat.

“Wait!” Genos says, and as Saitama turns back she rears out of the water and kisses her. It’s over before Saitama’s even processed it, Genos already disappeared. She breaches just past the mouth of the bay and is gone. For the first time in ages Saitama finds herself thinking that tomorrow can’t come fast enough.

[deadcactuswalking]

PROMISE ME NO PROMISES -- THE TOP 10 WORST HIT SONGS OF 2017

Let’s just get on with it. I’ll be less intricate and eloquent here – I’m just going to rip and tear into all these songs. Hello and welcome to...

THE TOP TEN WORST HIT SONGS OF 2017

I would give you dishonourable mentions but I feel there isn’t much here that is truly terrible enough to be noted other than the songs on the list so let’s just get straight into it!

#10

Have you ever hurt so much, physically or emotionally, that the only thing you can do is yell and yell, like a primal release of your...

PAIN!

#10 – Imagine Dragons – “Believer”

There are many, many elements in this song that mesh together like an insipid soup of gouged eyeballs, but on their own are more like slightly expired cheese strings – just that right balance of annoying, gross and still kind of okay, so much that you just don’t notice it if you don’t pay much attention. Let me tell you how about every single one of them:

1) What on earth is that percussion? This was supposed to be powerful but just sounds like the drummer fell asleep on his drum kit, with the bassist swirling his head around when needs be so he can hit the right drums.

2) The buzzing synth that is ever so subtle but ever so murderously annoying.

3) Dan Reynolds’ vocal inflections and singing – we’ll talk about those later.

4) The backing vocals sounding like wolves howling so weakly you’d think they’re in...

PAIN!

5) That.

6) The fact that Dan makes a weak attempt at rapping.

7) The lyrics making next to no sense and having next to no structure.

8) The whole point of the grating-as-all-hell chorus being so it can have that pause and dramatic drop for a movie trailer.

9) The fact that it’s still insanely catchy despite all these flaws.

10) And finally, the collision of all these intestine-munching parasites in the stomach-curling hell of a final chorus, with even more of those shrill additional vocals from the rest of the fantasy dragons that sound like a choir straight out of Robot Hell.

God, and this is only #10.

#9

This will be unpopular. Very unpopular.

#9 – SZA – “Love Galore” featuring Travis Scott

Let’s talk about how much of an autotuned non-prescience Travis Scott is. He sounds like he’s been drowned out entirely by his own waves of sing-rapping. Not to say SZA’s inflections and melody aren’t any more annoying. The “love” melody is, I swear, one of the worst melodies I’ve heard all year. SZA has a faux-Jamaican accent thing going on, which wouldn’t be bad if it weren’t so obnoxious. Those effects piled onto her vocals aren’t doing her any favours, either. The worst part of this song is not Travis and it’s not SZA. It’s the production. The minimalistic, boring production in the intro leads to a bass-boosted apple-picking session where the apples are filled with helium, the tree is shaking and I have a knife to my throat. There’s a metaphor in there somewhere. I would put this in a tied entry higher on the list but I can’t deny the harmony later into the song and Travis’ adlibs are always a treat, honestly. Ya! I don’t know why, but I love them. You could say I low-oh-low-ah-oh-love them. I’m sorry, everyone who like this – and I know, there’s a lot of them – but I’m not a fan.

#8

[chuckling and snickering]

#8 – Drake – “Fake Love”

[bursts out laughing] This song is probably too hilarious to hate, but it’s so pathetic that I just had to put it on here. If you like subtly autotuned wailing leaping out of Drake’s confused, blurred mess of a vocal performance, over steel pans and trap percussion, you’re in luck.

Whole time, they wanna take my place / Whole time, they wanna take my place

That falsetto sounds like a whimpering child whose sandcastle just got stomped on. It’s somehow both cute and ear-shredding.

I’ve been down so long

You were never down; in fact, we’re damn near sick of you, Drake. You don’t sound like you were on any type of downer when you recorded this though.  The sheer emotion in his vocals is clear, but they’re not very good at all. They just aren’t, and I can’t listen to this song without clocking a smile. When I’m sad, I put this song on. It’s that depressingly hilarious.

Fake people showing fake love to me / Straight up to my face

The lyrics to this are blunt but fragile, and are actually a beautiful set of lyrics that really capture Drake’s anger – are people showing him fake love? Probably not, but he’s so paranoid that they are. It’s a great set of lyrics, but Drake’s delivery is equivalent to a parrot who just got dumped and is feeling human emotions like grief, denial and sadness for the first time in its life. This could have easily been the same spot on my best list, so much that I had to go to random.org to decide if this should go on the best or worst list because this is simultaneously terrible and terrific. That Scary Hours EP is pretty cool though, you should check that out... or if you want a laugh, just open up Spotify and listen to “Fake Love”. Better luck next year, better luck next year, ‘cause I’m excited to start giving Drake love next year.

#7

I put two Maroon 5 songs on my best list. I suppose this is my punishment.

#7 – Maroon 5 – “Don’t Wanna Know” featuring Kendrick Lamar

Everyone’s already talked about this song, so I’m not going to beat a dead horse. I’m going to beat a pissy, mind-numbingly repetitive, vocally ear-splitting, blandly tropical, trend-hopping, Kendrick-wasting, badly-tasting, copy-and-pasting, dung-pile of a horse. Oh, wait, I kind of already did that just now. I’ll just leave with you with one of K-Dot’s most fitting lyrics – from this very song:

No more, please stop

#6

This isn’t a hit song; this is a godforsaken nursery rhyme.

#6 – blackbear – “do re mi” (remix) featuring Gucci Mane

The intro to this song is just a bunch of random noises. I’m not kidding, there’s a few synthesizer sounds, a pitched-up reverb-affected sample of blackbear singing the hook, blackbear’s very own ad-libs, some of which are pitched-down, and Gucci Mane yelling “Gucc’!” at the top of his lungs, which I’m surprised isn’t a meme. You know what else is meme-worthy? This dude’s falsetto.

Do re mi, fa, so f**king done with you

And this hook, these lyrics and that melody. Am I the only one who thinks it would somehow be more obnoxious and cringe-worthy if he said “freaking done with you” instead? No?

I think this song is just purely bitter, but not in a way I can relate to, just dark chocolate without flavour or texture. Fittingly, the instrumentation and production is some of the blandest trap-R&B I’ve ever heard. blackbear sounds like a robot for most of the verse until he breaks out as nonsensical child turned angry R&B sing-rapper who broke up with a supposed floozy. Honestly, Gucci Mane’s verse is pretty good but it has hardly any relation to the rest of the song so it’s almost a certainty that I’ll enjoy it, because this song is garbage. How in the hell did this trash make the year-end? I hope blackbear has another hit because frankly, I quite enjoy some of his music, and I don’t want this to be his only hit. Gucci Mane is still awesome though.

#5

There are two songs on this list with a Beyoncé remix, both of which I have credited as the original instead because I don’t want her to be on the list twice when she’s easily the best part of both songs by a landslide. You know why this next one’s on the list, so let’s not waste our time.

#5 – J Balvin and Willy Williams – “Mi Gente”

To describe this song, I have to ask you two questions, the first one being: Have you ever heard a goat or sheep blaring in a farm or zoo? This is what that screeching ear-piercing sample makes you think of – a herd of goats all angry, hungry and confused – which is taken from a song that samples that very sound as well, from another song. The second question is: have you ever heard a reggaeton song? Of course, you have, you’ve heard “Despacito”, haven’t you? Imagine them mixed together, but no, not mixed in a sleekly-designed modern building, collided in a messy derelict ramshackle of an apartment with sweat dripping down every single piece of dirty laundry, in which the sweat is coming from the rats inside the walls instead of the ghastly insane elderly woman who lives there with her ten cats, who is so moist and dry in old age she has lost the ability to sweat, cry or her favourite thing to do, spit on people. Hence, she’s criminally depressed and so am I after listening to this song, as it is so unbearable to the point where I’m flabbergasted at how this became a top 10 hit. Next!

#4

Wait a second... I don’t even know what “mi gente” means. Oh, it means “my people”? Talking about a group of people, here’s our first, last and only tie on the list, and it’s a doozy.

#4 – Yo Gotti  - “Rake it Up” featuring Nicki Minaj / Lil Uzi Vert - “XO Tour Llif3”

These are completely different songs, but they both represent the oversaturation of trap in their sleep-inducing beats, stupid, scatterbrain lyrics that show off every single rap cliché possible (I’ll go into detail some other time in a bonus list after this one) and a whole dose of bad vocal performances, most notably Lil Uzi Vert’s autotuned whining in “XO Tour Llif3”. At least they’re the only God-awful trap songs to be hits this year.

#4 – Kodak Black – “Tunnel Vision”

Oh, yeah, the song about racial profiling that also includes a lyric about or at least implying a reference to your rape charges... I think I know why they want you locked up, mate. While you’re there, we should also give you some basic English education, because anyone who thinks “iggin’” is a perfectly usable word, and that “winning”, “listen” and “iggin’” rhyme with “penitentiary” should probably start re-thinking if the school they went to did the best job they could. Well, at least Rae Sremmurd didn’t have a hit this year.

#4 – Ayo & Teo – “Rolex” / Rae Sremmurd – “Swang”

Two—two of them? We have two of them now?!

Hop out, drop-top, f **k y’all talkin’, I need it right now, right now

What’s with the falsettos this year? Did everyone forget how to sing in a higher pitch properly?

#4 – ZAYN and Taylor Swift – “I Don’t Wanna Live Forever (Fifty Shades Forever)”

Oh, so, that’s a yes, then? How about we just give hits to people who can’t sing at all?

#4 – Julia Michaels – “Issues”

I have issues with this song, but again, it’d be beating a dead horse with a sack of coal. At least it’s a woman who can’t sing this time... Girl power, I guess?

#4 – Halsey – “Now or Never”

Well, at least she can sing, I suppose. It’s just that this song is all over the place, like a bed that’s way too...

#4 – Migos – “Slippery” featuring Gucci Mane

Sorry, Gucc’. I love you, man, I really do, but you associate yourself with some of the worst singers, some of the least interesting rappers, and sometimes...

Two b****es so fine that I masturbated

...some of the worst yet still very interesting lyrics.

Yes, those are all my picks for #4. They are all as equally lazy and incompetent as each other.

#3

Now let’s move onto one song that is somehow worse than every single song in the last spot combined, mostly due to the annoyance of every single possible sound effect the producers crammed into it.

#3 – Hailee Steinfeld and Grey – “Starving” featuring Zedd

I didn’t know that I was starving ‘til I tasted you

Okay, a bit of a weird metaphor, but it adds some sensuality to it all so it gives the relationship some lip-biting romance, so that’s a decent line.

Don’t need no butterflies when you give me the whole damn zoo

Oh... never mind. Seriously, the concept of this line is okay on paper, but “the whole damn zoo” is so forced and downright nonsensical that it really takes me out of whatever sensuality, romance or even fun this line was supposed to be portraying. Butterflies aren’t even typically animals that are perceived as “zoo animals”; they’re found in zoos in those enclosures but that’s pretty much it. What were you going for here, five writers? Seriously, you had five writers, none of which are credited because of sampling or interpolation by the way, three of which being professional, two of which being Grey themselves, and none of those grown men and women could figure out any reason to why this line is incredibly corny, or have the gall to object it? Yes, most of this section has been about that lyric but what else is there to criticise other than that lyric and the drop, which is one of the weakest this year? I’ll pass.

#2

So what’s number #2? It can’t be as bad as that song.

#2 – Imagine Dragons – “Thunder”

...Then dishonourable mentions time it is!

Dishonourable Mentions

Ed Sheeran – “Shape of You”

This is in order of the Year-End and not my opinion because I just want to not talk about “Thunder” as easily and as long as I can. If the most popular song of the year is this terrible, it should be a bad sign, but 2017 is great, so I suppose there are exceptions.

Sam Hunt – “Body like a Back Road”

I’ve made a rule to never put country songs on any lists because I have a negative bias towards them; just never enjoyed the genre that much. Sorry.

James Arthur – “Say You Won’t Let Go”

Boring.

Kygo and Selena Gomez – “It Ain’t Me”

This drop just completely ruins the song.

Logic – “1-800-273-8255” featuring Alessia Cara and Khalid

Khalid saves this.

Who can relate? (whoo!)

Taylor Swift – “Look What You Made Me Do”

This has a really good pre-chorus. That’s about all my positives.

Machine Gun Kelly – “Bad Things” featuring Camila Cabello

“Havana” must have been a fluke.

Ariana Grande – “Side to Side” featuring Nicki Minaj

Wrist icicle, ride d**k bicycle / Come true, yo, get you this type of blow / If you wanna Minaj, I got a tricycle

D**k bicycle... okay, Nicki.

Shawn Mendes – “Mercy”

I suppose this has enough of a rock edge for me to forgive.

Some random teenage nobodies – “that Vine dance song (why do these still exist)”

Dead horse.

Katy Perry – “Chained to the Rhythm”

Are we tone-deaf?

Are you talking to the people who bought your album?

Jon Bellion – “All Time Low”

Out of all of their discography, I can’t believe “Jon Bellion” is the song that got big. “Weightless” is so much better.

Sam Smith – “Too Good at Goodbyes”

This is so perfect that it sickens me.

P!nk – “What About Us”

This is so non-descript that it sickens me.

Cheat Codes – “No Promises” featuring Demi Lovato

Whoever the guy is needs to input the singing codes. It’s D, O, O, R, left.

Shawn Mendes – “Treat You Better”

Ew.

Rita Ora – “Anywhere”

Oh, how I wish you crossed over.

The Chainsmokers – “Closer” featuring Halsey / Future – “Mask Off” / DJ Khaled – “I’m the One” featuring Justin Bieber, Quavo, Chance the Rapper and Lil Wayne

I’ve yet to decide if these songs are heaven-sent or hells spawn.

Now, let’s talk about the demon that is “Thunder”.

Thunder, feel the thunder

There are so many things about this song that make me want to shrivel up in the corner and rot. First of all, there’s the way-too-bouncy trap production for an otherwise triumphant song; it shouldn’t be this joyful and plucky. Those finger-snaps are so blatantly fake, and that synth sounds like literal yawning edited to sound like a chirping tone that just scratches the surface of unbearable. Dan Reynolds in general is an absolute plonker throughout the verses, with the vocal inflections of a Pez dispenser who just, for no reason, slides off into a spiral of autotuned murmuring in the first verse.

Just a young gun, with a quick fuse / I was uptight, wanna let loose / I was dreaming of bigger things / And wanna leave my whole life behind

The lyrics, by the way, are literally saying “I was into this band before you were cool”, which makes the second verse even more aggravating, especially due to the pitch-shifted vocal that appears on every single one of his terrible vocal inflections.

Kids were laughing in my classes / While I was scheming for the masses

Now I’m smiling from the stage while / You were clapping in the nosebleeds

The verses are terrible, but it’s not the worst part of this song, and neither is the next thing I’m going to bring up, but this is awful too.

You know how Kanye West manipulated samples so they’d sound kind of like a chipmunk? Well, Imagine Dragons do the same, however here, instead of a low-key soul-influenced hip hop track, it’s supposed to be a triumphant synth-pop victory lap, so this repetitious pitch-shifted nonsense is unfitting, unnecessary and unbearable. What are they repeating, you ask? The word “thunder”, which Dan does in the chorus as well. Hence, the word “thunder” is used approximately 78 times, excluding when only one syllable of the word is said (that happens a lot too). This song is just barely over three minutes, and there’s not many instrumental parts, apart from a certain section we’ll get to later. “Thunder” doesn’t have as much of an impact when it’s said nearly 80 times in your relatively short song, that was made for pop radio so of course it’s going to be played frequently.

There’s also that guitar solo... that pathetic wimpy guitar solo. There’s such a leap in hatred and lack of quality and redeemable moments from #3 to #2... what was #1? “Perfect” by Ed Sheeran? Well, I hate that song, but technically, it doesn’t count because it didn’t make the Year-End... screw it.

#10 – Cheat Codes – “No Promises” featuring Demi Lovato

Which means...

#1 – Imagine Dragons – “Thunder”

You happy, Dan? I’m officially jealous of you, like you wanted me to be. I’m envious of your success despite several attempts to make the radio play garbage – and not even the good kind like recyclable garbage or guilty-pleasure garbage, just plain, unadulterated crap worthy of no more attention. Congratu-freaking-lations. I’ll see you for the next episode of Reviewing the Charts or the next review or whatever, I don’t care. Goodbye. Hopefully next year is the same quality or even better than this year. So far it doesn’t seem to be even close.

Thun-thun-thunder, thunder.

[amongushq]

Welcome to Among Us, RAL! ECATERINA BRÂNCOVEANU ( with the faceclaim of ALIA SHAWKAT ) has found shelter in NEW ATHENS, where we hope SHE will fit in nicely. Please make sure to check the “after applying” section of our navigation here!

Hunters of Artemis being immortal, there’s always a great opportunity for a deep, well-researched, intense backstory and this is exactly what you have delivered with Ecaterina. The immersion into the different time periods shown in her app was excellent, both technically and in terms of writing style. Not to mention the spot-on Artemis and Apollo, who added levity to the whole thing -- thus reinforcing Ecat’s anger, outrage, and trauma. The latter isn’t discarded or handled too lightly, instead becomes an inherent part of who she is while not defining her completely. Her personality shows through both the backstory and sample parts of the application, and we can tell she’s someone the others can count on to fight back and take action. Because of her terrible experience, her opinion of the Recall is logical, a cold rationale we wish didn’t make as much sense. While it makes no doubt more people share her point of view, we’ll be watching as this Hunter tries to wake people up around her, and make her voice heard over Zeus’ order.

AND YOU ARE…?

Somewhere in a small village in Lesser Wallachia, December 13th, 1568

“Have you heard? That gypsy girl Amira is in labour.”

“Gypsy? I thought she was one of those blasted Ottomans.”

“I heard her skin darkened after she copulated with the devil. The child will have skin dark as the night and black demon eyes.”

“Does it matter? That cursed coloured witch is about to give birth. On Friday the 13th. If she survives the birthing, it’s clearly blood magic. God would not spare such an abomination during childbirth unless there were dark power involved. The child won’t last long, that’s for sure. God will damn her and her spawn, may He save us all.”

Amira’s baby girl wasn’t born with ash black skin or completely black eyes, but with light brown skin, a face full of moles and freckles- “marks of the devil!”- and deep, brown eyes. She nor her mother were neither gypsies, Ottomans or witches, but descendants of a family of Arab traders. The father was thought to be a young Wallachian man with a family too ashamed to be associated with “a gypsy whore” or a demon lover. Neither options were right, but no pious man or woman would even consider the father to be the Greek god of music.

The mother named her newly-born girl Ecaterina, a beautiful Wallachian name, in the hope she could blend in easier. It did not work.

Amira and her daughter went on to live in a caravan on the outskirts of the village, close to the woods, far away from the villagers with their sharp tongues and judgy eyes, where Amira could raise Ecaterina in peace, where she could teach her the secrets of nature and the art of palm reading. They might not have been gypsies, but Amira was smart enough to play on their reputation. Tarot cards, palm readings, medicinal herbs, you name it, they had it. And the villagers, despite their gossip and prejudice, couldn’t resist a glimpse into their future or something to delay their journey into an early grave.

–

The same village in Lesser Wallachia, January 4th, 1587

“They’re witches, clearly,” a farmer says to the crowd of people around him. It started off with mostly curious, nosy women and a couple of Godfearing maligners, but slander attracts all sorts of people, quick.

“The girl is possessed by a demon! That’s why she has such accurate predictions. I’ve seen her tremble and black out- a possession! She’s possessed!” a furious woman shrieked, almost delirious.

One by one, people joined in accusations- who cared if they spoke the truth or not.

“They make potions under the disguise of medicine!”

“The girl is a sodomite. And she has the devil’s marks all over her!”

“They can transform into black cats!”

A loud shout pierced through the murmur of the angry mass of people. “They belong in Hell!”

The whole crowd erupted into madness. “In Hell,” they all screamed. “In Hell!”

–

Amira’s caravan burned down the same night. No one bothered to go looking. No prayer for the dead was uttered.

Soon, Amira and her daughter were forgotten.

–

Somewhere in the woods close to the small village in Lesser Wallachia, January 5th, 1587

A list of things Artemis expects to find in the Eastern European woods: wild blueberries, a sizeable deer population, coniferous trees.

A list of things Artemis does not expect to find in the Eastern European woods: her shirtless brother dancing with naked nymphs, a priest in the middle of self-chastisement, a young girl rolling around, groaning in pain.

Unfortunately, the former happened more often than she would like it to. Actually, she should expect it by now.

Finding Ecaterina was a first-time experience. Artemis could smell burnt skin. The girl was covered in dirt and old leaves, letting out deep grunts of pain, breaking out in cold sweat. Even though she undoubtedly was in an immense amount of pain, Artemis could feel the girl’s strength, her determination to die with dignity. The pain didn’t allow the girl to speak, but the Goddess understood. It was a cry of help.

Artemis could use her.

–

“Salutations, sister of mine. How can I be of service for you today?” Apollo was shirtless and glowing, far too happy to be in the presence of an injured human.

“Aide her.”

“No, ‘if you please?’” All he got as an answer was a silent glare. “No? Then let us help this young lady. I can never resist a beautiful damsel in distress.” Apollo crouched down next to Ecaterina and poked her cheek. Again he was met with a glare, albeit this time with more pain in the expression. “Touchy. She shall survive, however. I will tend to the wounds on her back and give her ambrosia, that will suffice. It will stop her physical distress. I cannot prevent scars however. The burn runs deep. What happened, did they tried to burn you at the stake?”

He meant it as a joke, but the girl’s glare and attempt to punch him was a clear indicator that he’d just truck a nerve. As long as he did not hit any literal nerves later. Not that he would, ever. He was a genius.

He missed the times where there were shrines dedicated to him everywhere. Those were the good times. Now they all believed in only One God, who was good and sinless and boring.

–

“I pledge myself to the Goddess Artemis. I turn my back on the company of men, accept eternal maidenhood, and join the Hunt.”

“Welcome, Hunter Ecaterina. May you enjoy the company of your fellow hunters and always remember the oath you recited.”

–

Bethel, New York, August 17th, 1969

A list of things Apollo expects to see at the Woodstock festival: good music, drugs, Dionysus talking three girls into an orgy with him.

A list of things Apollo does not expect to see at the Woodstock festival: right-wing conservatives, all-black outfits, his sister.

“Yo, sis! What are you doin’ here? And you brought your pretty Hunters too!” He shook his golden curls and gestured animatedly with his hands. Once again he was shirtless, but he was not the only one by far. Apollo was pretty sure he’d spotted a topless girl just five seconds ago. He loved it here.

“Dad sent me to look after you again, and Dionysus. See that you don’t get into too much trouble.” Artemis was wearing a long, flowy dress, round glasses and beads in her hair. He felt the need to document this so he could taunt Artemis with this for the years to come. Her Hunters were dressed similarly, blending in seamlessly with the rest of the hippies. They all were trying to look like they weren’t excited to be there, but most of them failed- their eyes were twinkling, one girl was tapping her fingers on the rhythm of the beat, another one was staring admiringly at the musicians on the stage.

Apollo scoffed. “I’m being a good boy. I’m just enjoying myself. As should you. This is a historical event, so go and be part of history.” He took off his sunglasses and winked at the nearest Hunter, a freckled girl with wild curls in an oversized floral shirt. “Hey, I know you. You’re the girl I helped in the woods. Wanna help me with some wood now?” He waggled his eyebrows and ignored the shouts of protests of Artemis and her followers. “You’re all so boring. Go have fun, sis, if you’re even capable of doing such thing.”

With a short huff, Artemis turned around- in the direction of the crowd, not towards the exit. Ha, Apollo thought victoriously. Got ya. Her Hunters followed suit, except the one he winked to. “Ah, so you are going to help me with my w- no hitting immortal deities, dear. Or anyone, actually. This is a no violence zone.”

The girl sighed. “What did you mean earlier? You helped me?”

“Yeah, I did. When Artemis found you, she asked me for help, and you should thank me, because otherwise you’d be dead by now! Well, I mean, of course you’d be dead by now if you hadn’t been immortal, three decades have passed, but anyhow-“

“You healed me? But you’re incompetent.”

Auwch, that hurt. “Incompetent? What kind of crap is my sister telling you? I’m incredibly smart! I’m a walking work of art. I’m a genius and incredibly handsome, I’ve invented all the instruments and then some, and I’m a true lover at heart.“ He paused to wait for the applause. The girl just raised an eyebrow. "It’s a limerick. I visited Ireland a while ago, and a quick tip, avoid the North. But you see? I’m a genius.”

The girl stared at him, her eyebrows furrowed. She did not look impressed. “You really are as annoying as Lady Artemis has claimed.”

“That hurts, girlie.”

“Ecaterina. Not ‘girlie’.”

Apollo waved her comment away. “Yeah, yeah. Any more questions, Kitty Cat, or are you done?”

She looked ready to yell. Apollo grinned widely.

“Yes,” she said through gritted teeth. “I am- having these visions. Lady Artemis said you could help.”

“Visions? Like prophecies? Don’t tell me you are my next Oracle.”

“Not prophecies. I just see quick flashes, like someone I know doing something, and then I faint. I excelled at palm reading and tarot cards, however.”

“Hm.” Apollo tapped his chin. He felt like he was missing something. “What else can you do? Music? Healing? Archery?”

“I’m the best archer we have. I don’t seem to have a musical talent, except some basic rhythm. And every hunter heals easily.”

“And when were you originally born again?”

“1568. In Romania- well, Lesser Wallachia at the time.”

“Did your mother’s name start with an A? Arianne or something?”

“Amira.”

Apollo clapped in his hands. “Amira! Right! She was one foxy lady. Well, sorry to tell you, kiddo, but you’re one of mine. Seems like you have an aptitude for divination and that’s what the flashes are.” He spread his arms wide. “Now come and give your father a hug!”

Ecaterina looked absolutely shocked. “You are my father?”

“’Fraid so.”

The realisation was visibly sinking in. When the girl finally understood that he wasn’t kidding- even though he had a great sense of humour- she promptly turned around and walked away.

“That’s no way to treat your father, young lady!” Apollo laughed. Artemis was going to be so pissed when she found out.