#we need some more love around heres its been v v negative lately i feel

[chuuyanakaahara]

everyone who sees this shld put their fave bsd fic in the tags / a reblog and why they love it

[thatslikely]

Seeker - D.M.

Seeker- Draco Malfoy x fem!reader (unspecified house but not slytherin) 

Warnings: none! just lots of fluff

Word Count: 3.4k

A/N: This is my first ever fic!  I hope I potray Draco accurately!  Feel free to D.M. me for any requests or anything like that.  I’d also really love feedback, positive or negative.  Special thanks to my friend Ocean, who is an amazing author and editor <3

Just a reminder: Y/N is Your Name - Y/L/N is Your Last Name - Y/H is Your House

----

Draco Malfoy.

Anyone who has ever graced the steps of Hogwarts during his reign is bound to have heard the name.  The poor first years hear about the hexing of their friends after so much as glancing at his striking blond hair.  The second year Quidditch players hear about his skill and precision on a broom.  Even the O.W.L.s-stressed fifth years hear of his (almost) unparalleled smarts.  

You, of course, heard all these things too.  You’d seen firsthand his occasional ruthlessness.  There was no doubt in your mind he was a force to be reckoned with.  You never let his daunting image intrude your thoughts, however.  He would never have a reason to bother you; so why should you care what he did?

That all seemed true until Quidditch results came back for your house.  Your eyes scanned over names on the list until you saw your name next to the title of Seeker.  You were thrilled to be on the team.  You worked so hard over the summer, waking up at dawn to fly laps around the lush forests by your home.  

After everyone in the common room was informed of your new title, they all congratulated you for what seemed like hours.  They all chanted “Y/N!” at the top of their lungs or gave you encouraging pats on the back.  After a while of sober celebration, someone finally managed to sneak in a few bottles of Firewhiskey.  You eagerly downed a shot or two before your head started to feel fuzzy.  The music and chatter of the party seemed to make your head pound, and you decided you needed some fresh air to clear your head.  

The moment you stepped out of the bustling common room, you felt way better.  Your whole body calmed, releasing the tension you didn’t know you had.  While you could still very well feel the effects of the Firewhiskey, you felt clear enough to walk all the way to the Owlery.  

The Owlery had always been a place of comfort for you.  You had never owned an owl for yourself, instead opting for an adorable black cat, but something about the flying creatures comforted you.  Maybe it was their piercing yellow eyes or their fluffy feathers that seemed to stick out in any direction, or maybe just because they remind you of whenever your mother’s owl brings sweet letters at breakfast every month.  

The air tonight was chilly, but you were simply grateful that it was too early in the year for snow because whenever Hogwarts was covered in soft white blankets, the steps up to the Owlery were dangerously icy.  Thankfully, the only things on the steps were your boots and the occasional fluttering orange leaf.  

Once you reached the top, you breathed a sigh of relief.  The thoughts of you becoming the new Seeker came back to you and you were able to celebrate a little bit again.  Before you could fully imagine yourself flying around the Quidditch pitch in search of the shiny Golden Snitch, you were interrupted suddenly by none other than Draco Malfoy’s taunting words.  

“Well, well, well.  Who do we have here?  Y/L/N?”

You froze.  In all the times you had been to the Owlery at night, this was the first time you had company.  And his company at that.  His voice seemed strong and almost amused.  Before you could give him a response, he kept going.

“You’re the new Y/H Seeker, aren’t you?  Maybe this year I’ll have some actual competition, though I doubt it.”

You felt your face heat up in rage, a feeling you rarely expressed.  The Firewhiskey must’ve brought it out of me, you thought with a sigh.  You knew you wouldn’t want to say something you’d regret, especially to your new Slytherin rival.  

“I think you might be pleasantly surprised, Malfoy.  I’ve been training all summer.”

Draco didn’t deserve to know that you had been practicing all summer, and the summer before that, but you inexplicably felt the need to prove yourself to him.  He always seemed to be one step ahead of you, though.

“And I’ve been training for Quidditch since I could walk, Y/N.  You’re not special.”

His comment stung a little.  But you knew you deserved to be Seeker, and you could prove that to him next match.  

“What brings you up here so late anyways?”

“That, Y/L/N, is none of your concern.  I could, however, ask you the same thing.”

“Just getting away from the crowd is all.  The Common Room’s loud as all hell.”  Why did you tell him that?  He didn’t need to know anything about you or your common room.  

Draco pulled up the sleeve of his black blazer, presumably looking at his watch.  You didn’t notice how Draco’s platinum blond hair shined so handsomely in the moonlight until he pushed himself off of the wall he was so casually leaning on to walk towards you.  

“It’s past curfew, Y/N.  I could so easily tell my Slytherin prefects that I found you out so late at night, especially after a loud night in the Common Room…”  The smirk on his face as he looked up into your eyes was so charming but mischievous.  

“You wouldn’t da-” you muttered, before quickly getting cut off.

“I won’t tell them, though, only because I plan on crushing you next game.  The look on your face as I hold the Snitch will be priceless.”

You desperately tried to find some way to rebut what he said, but his words it seemed, took the air from your lungs.  You watched him, stunned, as he casually handed a black envelope to what you assumed was his owl.  As the owl flew out of the window and into the pitch-black sky, he walked towards the doorway, which you happened to still be standing in.  

He purposely brushed your shoulder as he walked past you and down the stairs. Without even looking back, he simply said, “I’ll see you around, Y/N.”

You stood there, almost breathless.  That had quite possibly been the strangest and most unexpected interaction you’ve ever had.  You’d always seen Draco as some stereotypical bully, but you never realized how truly witty and quick-on-his-feet he was.  He would be a tough opponent, both on the field and off.

----

Quidditch practice these past few weeks has been very tiring but helpful.  Every time you mounted your broom it made you feel that much more confident, which was good because you needed as much of that as you could get if you wanted to even stand a chance against Draco.  By the time the first match came around, you felt as though you could easily beat the green-jerseyed players.  

The practice room pep-talk before the game was finally the moment your confidence was cemented.  As your captain stood on the bench, yelling and inspiring, you were on top of the world.  You could see Malfoy zooming on his broom far behind you as you reached for the Snitch, its shiny metal now covered up with your worn leather gloves.  You could hear the crowd cheering your name as Draco sat in awe of you.  

That daydream was short-lived however when everyone got up from the benches to grab their brooms and fly into the stadium.  As you proudly mounted your broom, a sudden spike of anxiety hit your chest.  Of all the times nerves had to hit, did it have to be two seconds before the match began?

The stadium was filled to the brim with students from each of the four houses. The large pillars of red, yellow, blue, and green emitted cheers as your team glided on the field, doing a fun formation along with it.  Not long after, the green and silver-clad team swooped onto the field.  They flew around the oval-shaped pitch in the shape of a very coordinated V.  It was more intimidating than you’d like to admit.

As the Slytherins settled down and hovered in the air, ready for the match to start, you saw Malfoy send you an intimidating glare. You rolled your eyes in return before the referee shouted a loud, “brooms up!”

With those simple two words, you darted off towards the top of the pitch.  You gripped the broom as if your life depended on it, which it might.  Your eyes scanned the field for any signs of the snitch before you saw a flash of blonde next to you.  

“Scared, Y/L/N?”  Draco spat, clearly trying to tease you.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?”  You smirked, your gaze reaching his enticing silver eyes.  He cocked his eyebrow at you, playfully, before you sped off, the air from the tail of your broom blowing his pale locks over his eyes.  

The Golden Snitch had caught your eye while you hovered up with Malfoy, and now you surely had the advantage.  You were mere feet away from the golden snitch, with the blonde Seeker trailing behind you.  The crowd sat captivated, wondering who would reach the snitch first.  Just as your fingers brushed the golden sphere, it shot straight up, out of your grasp.  You both wasted no time shooting upwards on your brooms.  He was now at your side, both your arms reached up to the sky.

Suddenly, you felt the metal of the snitch in the palm of your gloves.  But you also felt something else, and you almost fell off your broom at the sight of Draco’s fingers intertwined with yours, both of your palms wrapped around the snitch.  

Without hesitation, you both recoiled from each other, your interwoven hands breaking apart, which sent the snitch flying.  Your face got red and hot with embarrassment, and by the expression and color of Draco’s face, he felt the same.  He managed to mime himself gagging before he swooped in the opposite direction in search of the snitch once again.

----

As you stepped through the painting guarding your common room, you could already hear the screams and cheers.  Some people chanted your name, some people talked about the highlights from the match, and there was loud music blaring in the background.  Your close victory that afternoon definitely produced some happy house-mates.  

You weren’t in much of partying mood tonight though.  The match had worn you out, and you were ready to lay down.  You did have a lot to think about, after all.  The way you and Draco’s hands fit together perfectly around the snitch, or the way his face contorted into a frown when the Slytherins accepted defeat.  Or even the way, when your team picked you up in celebration,, a smile pricked at the sides of his mouth, barely noticeable.

You didn’t know why you couldn’t get Draco out of your mind.  You guys were rivals, but the way his image played back in your mind, you didn’t feel hatred.  You didn’t feel a big success by proving what he said in the Owlery wrong.  

You finally came to the conclusion that maybe it was because you thought he was handsome.  Just a little bit, of course.  The way his blonde hair blew in the wind was attractive, sure, but you didn’t like him or anything.  You’d never even talked to him before the night at the Owlery.  He was just the Slytherin Seeker, as you were just the Y/H Seeker to him.  Simple.

Except, you didn’t know that he also thought the same about you.  The way you smiled in victory after his (very close) loss made it sting just a little bit less.  The disapproving stares from his fellow green-wearing peers didn't hurt his pride as much when he remembered you two’s hands together around the snitch.

It’s only because she’s my rival, he thought to himself, but he couldn’t even fool himself with that lie.  All he really knew was, he had to talk to you tomorrow.

----

“Congrats on the win yesterday, Y/N.  But don’t think next time I won’t hesitate to push you off that cheap broom of yours.”  Draco spat.  He never really had a way with words, especially with people he took interest in.  He really did try to make it as nice as he could.

You merely smirked at his comment as you sat down at your table in the Great Hall.  “It’s okay, Draco.  I know you just can't accept that you got beat.”  He huffed a bit at your comment, but his expression quickly changed to that of a sarcastic smile.

He reached across the table and grabbed a goblet of pumpkin juice, much to your surprise.  Just as quickly, he sat down next to you.  You finally got a good look, and smell, of him for the first time.  His silver eyes and blonde hair looked as alluring as ever, and he smelled really good, like green apples and cologne.  

Just as you were about to ask why he decided to sit with you, of all people, he stated, “It’s rude to stare, you know?”

“Sorry, it’s just weird seeing someone in those green robes of yours sitting at our table.”  You replied sheepishly, snapping out of your trance.  

He only let out a small chuckle before grabbing a green apple from the middle of the table.  He gave it a small toss before looking back at you.  You glanced into his eyes, which apparently you like to get lost in, but you couldn’t read what emotion ran through them.  

“Why did you decide to sit here, by the way?  Don’t you have some first years to hex?” You asked, partially defensive and partially curious.  

Your friends, and some other fellow house-mates, all watched in anticipation for his response, but instead he said, “If my prescence bothers you that much, I can just go back to my table.  My ego won’t be too hurt.”  He gave his signature smirk at the end of the sentence, clearly not taking it seriously.

“I didn’t mean it like that, okay?  I don’t mind the Slytherin prince sitting at our table for one day.  Two may be pushing it.”  He didn’t answer your question though, about why he wanted to sit here.  It did seem a little odd, but you weren’t complaining.  

“Very funny.  Well, I’m afraid I can’t stay much longer.  I have more pressing matters, like preparing to absolutely crush you next Quidditch match.”

He left just as fast as he had come, still grasping the green apple in his hand.  Once he was back to his throne at the Slytherin table, you glanced down to where he was previously sitting, only to find a shiny black envelope resting on the bench.  It had your initials written down in silver ink, the same shade as his eyes.  You quickly shoved it beneath your robes, so your friends wouldn’t see.

Once you were safely out of the field of vision of the Great Hall, you broke the emerald green seal of the envelope.  You pulled out a crisp, white piece of parchment.  Your eyes read the inked black text, which read:

That’s strange, you thought, he’s top of the class for potions.  Why would he need my notes?  You quickly brushed it off as you just overthinking.  Clearly, he only sat at our table and wrote me this letter because of stupid Potions class.  Right?  

I need your Potions notes from last class.  Meet me at the astronomy tower at 11.  

D.M.  

Eleven o’clock came around faster than you expected, and you were rushing out of your dorm in order to make it.  Luckily all your dormmates were still up, gossiping the night away.  Much to your surprise, they didn’t question where you were going, besides knowing that you had to give a friend some homework.  You didn’t blame them, it did seem like a lame way to spend your after-curfew hours. 

By the time you had finally gotten to the top, Draco stood with his back to you, his chisled hands holding onto the cold railing.  You walked up to him quietly, your Potions homework fluttering in the wind.  His eyes weren’t focused on you or your notes though; instead they were pointed at the crystal-clear sky.  The moonlight bounced magnificently off of his platinum blonde hair once again, just like it did at the Owlery.  

The air was colder than it was last time you had seen him against the inky-black sky, and you started to shiver.  All you wanted was to be back within the walls of your cozy dorm.  You let a signaling cough emerge from your throat as you leaned against the rail.  

Instead of asking about the Potions notes, he asked, “Aren’t you cold?  Why didn’t you bring a jacket?”  

His eyes still seemed glued to the shining stars, but you did notice his hand sliding down the rail, closer to you.  Your eyebrows furrowed as you grumbled, “Yes.  I’m freezing!”  

He let out a small chuckle as a response before his eyes finally moved to you.  “I’ll only be a minute… unless you want to stay longer.”  

Despite the uncomfortably cold temperature outside, you felt your cheeks get warmer.  You kept telling yourself it was only because he did seem a bit good-looking tonight, dressed in his signature black turtleneck, with a matching long black peacoat on top.  Suddenly, the cold didn’t feel so bad.

“Likely, Malfoy.  Here’s the Potions notes you asked for.”  You slowly handed over the ruffled papers.  For a second you thought you saw a look of confusion flash onto his face, but a small grateful smile covered it up almost instantly.  

You continued to shiver, and your nose started turning pink.  Draco almost felt bad for dragging you up here, for the Potions notes of course, so he sent an enticing offer your way.

“You look absolutely miserable, Y/N.  I think if we can sneak into the kitchens, I could make you some tea.  Though I do expect a favor from you in return, of course.”  

Your eyes lit up at the idea of a warm cup of tea, especially made by none other than Draco Malfoy, who was supposed to be your Quidditch rival.  Even you couldn’t come up with an excuse about enjoying his company this time.  

----

Draco stood one of the many kitchen counters, swirling an ornate sliver spoon in your warm tea.  Once it was stirred to his satisfaction, he handed the steaming cup to you with a warm and genuine smile, one rarely seen by anyone.  You smiled back thankfully, before taking a large sip.  The tea tasted nearly perfect, which surprised you.  Someone who was raised with house elves doing everything for them had made a delicious tea.  

“I must say, I’m impressed, Draco.  I never pegged you to be a tea expert.”

“What can I say?  I’m a man of many talents.”  His sarcastic and slightly cocky attitude was back once again, though you’d be lying if you said you didn’t enjoy it.  

After the evidence of your late-night tea making had been erased, he leaned against the counter, a content smile on the corners of his lips.  Your shivering was long gone, replaced by a cozy warmth from the tea.  

Comfortable silence filled the room for many minutes before he simply said, “You know, Y/N, I’d like to get to know you better.  I don’t think we have to be Quidditch rivals, off the field at least.”

“I feel the same.  Though don’t get your feelings hurt when I absolutely beat you again.”

“I bet I could get the snitch years before you, with my eyes closed!”

“Like you did the other day, right?”  He put up a sarcasticly angry face on, but you could see the fire of determination in his eyes.  He really would try to get you next match.  But you would never let him.

After a night full of talking with the dashing Slytherin, you soon grew too tired to continue.  The tea must’ve made you extra sleepy because soon enough you could barely think straight.  You held onto poor Draco for dear life as he carefully walked you back to your common room.  

He put on his classic face of annoyance, but underneath you saw that his mind was filled with nothing but admiration.  As you finally reached the painting, you withdrew your hand from his shoulder.  Since you were so sleepy, he thought you wouldnt notice the loving look on his face as you walked through the doorway.  You waved him goodnight.

“Night, love.  I’ll see you tomorrow,” he smiled.

And that was the start of something wonderful.

You can read Part 2 here!

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #333

“imaginary chain  /  the one you never break  /  seething all alone”

Do you have any fears you would rarely admit to anyone? Nah, I'm pretty open about what I'm afraid of. What website do you spend most of your time on? YouTube. What class in high school did you struggle with the most? I honestly don't remember with certainty, but it was probably math or economics. At least, I think econ was my senior year. What could you talk about for hours? Mark, meerkats, a few game franchises... maybe a couple more topics. Who is your favorite character from Harry Potter? I wouldn't know. Do you salt your popcorn? Yes. Do you have a Steam account? Yeah, but I don't have many games on there and rarely touch the ones I do. Do you like gaming? I do, but not as much as I did for most of my life. I mostly just play WoW now, and even that I'm not that into anymore. Part of it though comes from not buying any new games that I'm interested in because 1.) no money and 2.) no proper console, and you can only replay games so many times before you're just... yeah, done. Do you like reading books? Some days. Do you like religion? All things considered? No. Do you like Grand Theft Auto V? Y'know, growing up, I actually liked watching my younger neighbor play one of those games, but I don't remember which. Though he never actually "played" it... just ran around wreaking havoc, lol. I do however think GTAV was the one that Jason and Jacob started playing together when we moved into the apartment, and I thought the story was okay; I don't think they ever got far into it, though. Definitely wasn't Jason's sort of game, and I don't think it was too much up Jacob's alley, either. Can you twerk? I haven't tried and you will never see me try either, lmao. Do you have a Spotify account? Yes, but I almost never use it. If the last person you kissed tried to kiss you again, would you start kissing them back? Yes. If your best friend of the opposite sex tried to kiss you, would you start kissing them back? No. Have you ever kissed someone who has previously kissed someone you hated? Yes, because of how badly she hurt him. I don't have any negative feelings towards her now, though. We're actually friends, haha. The irony. Are you an easy lay? What weird wording. But whatever, quite the polar opposite actually. When’s the last time you said you were sorry? A few days ago. Are there any songs you listen to everyday? No. Would you like living on the coast? As someone who lives in a state hit by hurricanes usually every year and has seen the incredible damage they usually bring to the coast, no. I don't like the smell or gritty feel of salty air, either. When’s the last time you were really late to something? No idea. That's usually not a problem with me. Why did you stop liking the last person you liked? The last person I actually stopped like-liking would be Girt, and that would be because I just came to the realization I saw him too much as my brother instead of boyfriend. It just always felt awkward. Do you still talk to that person? Yeah, we're good. No hard feelings or anything between us. Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth? No. Do you trust easily? Fuck no. I'll be cautious, at least to some degree, about new people for a while. What is the last song to make you cry? Since I've actually behaved and not listened to any trigger songs, it's been a long while, but it was probably "Another Life" by Motionless In White. Last person you hung up on? I'm sure some automated message. I barely ever answer the phone to numbers I don't recognize, though. Where was your last car ride to and from? To Wal-Mart w/ Mom to pick up our order and then back home. Next big outing? *shrug* Do you find it difficult to stay invested in online relationships? Not really, no. Considering I'm by far my most authentic self online, I actually tend to appreciate virtual friends more, if I'm being honest. I try to keep up with those people. Are you the type of person who pays close attention to the release dates of movies, music, etc., and will, for example, go see a movie or buy an album on the date it is released? If so, when is the last time you did so? Not really, no. I think I saw Warcraft the day it came into theaters, though. Do movies often make you cry? What kind of films/scenes make you tear up most? Yep. Tragic romance tends to do it the most, I think. Do you use any apps to track your health or medications? I have one to track my menstrual cycle as well as another that tracks my daily caloric intake, but I'm bad at using it because it's tedious if I actually have to measure something. Whose opinions/recommendations do you value most? Ummm if you mean like, in general, probably my mom's. But this most certainly depends on the subject I'm taking feedback on. What is something society "expects" you to do that you don't want to do and/or don't plan on doing? Shaving my legs came to mind first. Granted, I will if there is almost any chance of someone seeing them, but otherwise, I just don't care. We respect women with body hair on this account and see them as no less feminine. Are you interested in architecture? Is there any particular style that you're drawn to? I think it's cool, yeah. I should have an answer for this, given architecture was a massive focus in Art History the last time I was in school... Roman architecture comes to my head first, if that says anything. What was one of your favorite things from the nineties? BOY OH BOY, SO MUCH!! I'm probably gonna say the toys. There was some dope shit, man. Do you collect things pertaining to an animal? ANYTHING and EVERYTHING featuring a meerkat!!!!! :''') Do you wish that people were kinder to spiders? Well, yes. I hope everyone in their heart wishes this, even if they're afraid of them. They're very important to our ecosystem, and none are out there to harm us; their existence does us a favor. Where do you normally order pizza from? Domino's (my favorite) or LIttle Caesar's for the price. Did your parents keep anything of yours from when you were a baby? Oh yes, loads of stuff that's stored away somewhere. Do you own one of those "____ For Dummies" books? No, but I feel like we had one at some point? What was the last VHS tape that you watched? Yikes, who knows. Did you watch Boy Meets World back in the day? I actually didn't, no. Our old neighbor though loved it so much that she named her daughter Tapanga (deliberately spelled that way). Who is your favorite Scooby Doo character? I never really had one. Maybe Thelma. If I were to give you a coloring book, what would you want its theme to be? Animals. Have you ever won a stuffed animal at a carnival? Possibly a small one. I can tell you I did however accidentally stab the guy who ran the dart-throwing booth though, lmfao. He was obviously fine, and it wasn't a bad wound. I felt SOOOOOO bad. Are you a fan of narwhals? I'm a fan of any animal. Narwhals are definitely fascinating creatures. Grape or orange soda? Orange. Grape-flavored soda ain't my thing. Have you ever wanted to vlog? Noooo. My life is so painstakingly boring and repetitive. Did you have a favorite Disney movie as a child? It was and still is The Lion King. Do you or have you ever owned a portable gaming console? Yeah, a GameBoy Advance and Nintendo DS. Is shyness cute? It definitely can be. Have you ever had alcohol poisoning before? No. Do you like to gossip, or do you prefer to keep your mouth shut? I'm not a gossip fan. Have you ever vandalized someone else’s property before? Most definitely not. Are your parents divorced? Yes. Have you ever been under suicide watch for 72 hours in a psychiatric ward? Yes; at least here, that's protocol when you're admitted for suicidal thoughts/tendencies. Have you ever gone through your significant other’s phone or social media accounts, or do you respect their privacy? Absolutely not. That shit pisses me off so badly. Do you wear any sort of clothing for religious reasons? No. What's something you worked extremely hard to get? My sanity back. Sounds so dramatic, but I'm literally not kidding. Have you ever been labeled negatively or otherwise been called something extremely derogatory? Not that I remember. How many kids do you want to have? I don't want kids, but to entertain the question, when I did, I wanted three. It's fuckin wild to imagine for even a second that I once wanted that. Do you believe that being gay is a sin? *eye roll* Are you any good at photography? If so, what’s your specialty? I mean it with modesty, but I think I'm pretty good. My favorite thing to photograph are animals, but I generally take most pictures of people by request or pay. Judging by my deviantART account, my nature pics definitely get the most attention. Have you ever been a member of a gang before? Fuckin yikes, no. An infamous gang tried breaking into my childhood home once, so you can probably gather that I would never take part in their "big bad guys" bullshit. Have you ever felt like you were neither male nor female? No, I'm comfortable as a cisgender female. Do you like oatmeal raisin cookies? NO. Anything with raisins = NO. Do you think you’re attractive? No. Has a teacher ever caught and read a note you were passing in class? No, not that I really passed notes to begin with. I'd be mortified, regardless of what it was about. Would you rather live in a tropical or arctic climate? Arctic. Do you have an older brother? Yes. He's technically my half-brother, but I don't see "half"s. Have either of your parents ever been to jail? No. Are your collarbones prominent? Bitch I wish so I could get the damn dermal piercings I've wanted for years. Have you ever in your life worn overalls? As a kid, yeah. So ugly. Do you love yourself? It's... weird. Therapy is making me realize that a part of me, maybe even the bigger one, doesn't, but at the exact same time, I know I have worth just like every other human. I just don't treat myself like I do. What TV shows do you keep up with? None, until Meerkat Manor returns this summer. :') When’s the last time it snowed where you live? A couple months ago we got a little bit of it. Is your belly button pierced? No, but it would be if I was actually skinny. Just in my personal opinion, I don't at all think that that piercing would look nice on someone as overweight as me. Even if my damn dreams come true and I lose all the weight I want, my stomach will never look "normal," even after I get the excess skin removal surgery that will be very high on my priority list for my own self-image that's been nothing but loathsome since 2016. What is your favourite dinosaur? Spinosaurus is the obvious answer. What do you remember the most about your childhood? Lots of imagination. Parents arguing. Playing with my little sister. What age did you get your first hair cut? I have no idea. Do you have a favourite toy from childhood still? No. I wish I hadn't gotten rid of it. Have you ever made bread? No. Would you ever consider shaving your head? Nah. Would you like to live in a realm where the zombie apocalypse is possible? Who says we don't now? Zombifying parasites already exist among insects and such, so like... it's not unimaginable to one day see one developed enough to infect humans. I sure as fuck hope not, but. What do you use to dry your clothes? (Tumble dryer, radiator, etc) We have a dryer. Do you ever play the built-in games on your computer? Which ones? Nah. What was the last spontaneous thing you did? I did this many, many months ago, but I guess watch an episode of The Witcher by my own volition. I don't really do spontaneous things with how routine I am, but I had a random urge to check it out one morning. How loud can you whistle? Not very loud at all. Does anything on your body hurt or itch right now? My knees really hurt. They're getting worse. When was the last time you built a sandcastle? There's noooo telling, it's been many years. Have you ever ridden a mechanical bull? No. Well, not a *real* one, anyway. Just the little ones for kids. If you had to appear on a game show, which one would you choose? Family Feud. What is your favorite hot beverage? Hot chocolate. Do you have an alter ego? Describe them: No. Food: Are you adventurous or do you stick to what you know? I absolutely stick to what I know. I am SO picky. Is there anything (out of the obvious) that makes you feel really ill? I'm not immediately sure, but there's probably something. Do you bump into things often? Yes. I've always had this weird habit of like... drifting when I walk, so I do this easily. I just kinda wander to the sides a bit without realizing it. What design is on your calendar this year? I don't have a current one. Did you enjoy playing Hop Scotch when you were younger? I did. Do you feel uncomfortable going to the movies by yourself? Nah, not really. I did that with Warcraft and it was actually pretty chill. When thinking about your dream home, what do you think would be your favorite thing to shop for? The ~g o t h i c~ decor. Do you ever listen to those lo-fi hip hop/study music playlists on YouTube/Spotify? No. Are you likelier to work harder if you’re being paid? If not, what drives you to give your best effort? I mean, yeah. I'd assume that's pretty normal. Does the fashion sense of a potential partner matter to you? No. Is there anything that you prefer to write down rather than type? I'm unsure. If you download/torrent things, do you remember the first thing you ever torrented? Oh, the Limewire days of music pirating... but no, I don't remember. What was the last thing you posted on Instagram? Something photography-related, but I don't feel like checking. What do you wish your hair looked like? I wish I could pull off pastel pink hair rn. It also desperately needs a trim. Do you still feel anything for the first person you fell in love with? I'm sure I always will, at least a little. Do you get any magazines in the mail? No. Have you ever paid for any kind of online membership? Uhhhhh have I? I don't think so. Who’d you last see in a tux? Probably the groom of the last wedding I shot. Do you record any TV shows and watch them later? No, but I used to do that big time because I loved "rewatching" stuff when I was on the computer. Out of everyone you know, who was the most heart? My mother, big time. Who’s the bravest person you know? Also my mother. Or Sara. What profession do you admire the most? Teachers might just win. The patience that must take, among so many other things. Have you ever made a fake profile, for any reason? No.

[madisonrooney]

hi it's your secret santa! first of all HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! i hope you have a wonderful day! how are you celebrating, if you are at all? safely, i hope! either way i hope you manage to find a way to have a great day full of love!! consider my christmas gift a belated birthday gift as well lol. anyway i loved reading your last answer, it was so thoughtful and sweet. i realized after reading that i barely know anything about dove lol so follow up q: what about dove makes you love her so much?

sorry for the late response! the last couple days have been v busy and ive been super tired and dissociative on top of it so i made a point to save this bc i wanted to give it my full attention!

first of all thank you!! i was going to do a virtual meet and greet with one of my favs from jersey boys but he got confused about timezones so we rescheduled but were doing it next week! then i went to a virtual walt disney family museum panel, had pizza for dinner and watched some liv and maddie, my mom made a cookie cake that we ate while watching the grinch musical, and then some friends and i watched the jersey boys movie together over skype!

im so glad you enjoyed reading my last answer! and oof thats another loaded question (i love it tho)

- like i said when first talking about what drew me to her and liv and maddie, a big thing is just how much passion and love she puts into her characters. ofc she puts passion into every character she plays, but its the passion she puts into characters like liv, maddie, and mal that means the most to me. that goes back to the fact that ive dealt with a lot of negativity directed towards me for enjoying disney channel, and then you have dove out here saying “yah im a teenager/twenty-something who not only respects what theyre doing on disney channel, but puts my all into it” not to mention she even won an emmy for playing liv and maddie in season 4! i hope that passion and talent has started to change the conversation about disney channel, and tbh i think it has at least a bit.  ofc, none of this is to say other people her age acting on disney channel arent talented and passionate, but idk, something about her has always stood out to me. i find her to be more animated and expressive than most. it can be hard for me to read emotions in live action movies and shows, so thats been really important for me. not to mention she was not only playing the lead but TWO lead characters on a four season show with distinct personalities but also subtle similarities. AND the main character in the biggest DCOM franchise in years for 5 years running now. PLUS the fact that there was a period where those were both happening at the same time. she was only 16 when she started all this and hadnt even had any big roles prior to it!! she had a lot of responsibility so it was amazing to see her not only pull it off, but excel at it.

- i just love like....her aesthetic?? shes always seemed to be a very old soul to me, into old jazz music and poetry and stuff like that. its just very charming. and for her to have that aesthetic on top of being a disney channel actress is a fascinating juxtaposition.

- this is kind of sappy and it gets tiring to hear it said over and over again but that doesnt mean it isnt true: i love how transparent she is about her struggles with mental health issues, trauma, and such. she has been for a long time but even more so over the last year or two. no shade to anyone else, but a lot of actors dont really give you a look into their personal lives, they just share and promote their product. im not saying theres anything wrong with that, its good to know what youre comfortable sharing, ive just felt all the more close to her with her being as open as she is, especially as someone who has gone through trauma myself, albeit different from hers.

- kind of connected to that, i love how important spreading kindness, positivity, and love is to her. thats another thing thats been said a million times but still, its very important to me.

for example. she’ll randomly tweet things like “i love you” a lot. im one to always think of the thought process that goes on behind whatever someone posts, texts, etc., bc personally i put a lot of a thought into pretty much anything i say or do before i put it out there publicly, probably bc of my social anxiety. even tho its a simple statement and takes her a couple seconds to post, she still had to have the thought “i want to remind my fans that theyre loved” or something along those lines. and she has this thought FREQUENTLY. to just randomly get a notification every few days or weeks or so of her saying something like that is just very heartwarming to me.

the reason i connected with miley so much when she helped me through my initial trauma was bc it felt like even if no one loved me, she loves her fans, thus she loves me. thus the person i love and admire the most loves me. even if its only one person, it can be enough. it was for me at the time. i feel that same way with dove. when she came into my life, i didn’t feel as unloved, but her love was still helpful to me.

- of course i need to specifically talk about her kindness in person too. dont get me wrong (ive been saying that a lot havent i lol), i totally and completely loved her long before i met her, but naturally, i love her 10x more after the experiences ive had getting to know her in person.

i could go ONNNNNNN about the experiences ive had with her, and i have lol, and if you already heard me ramble about this in the server i apologize, but the most important thing ive taken away from every encounter ive had with her is this: she always goes the extra mile. she always goes out of her way to make people feel special. what i mean by that is she could say/do HALF as much as she has when meeting me and i would still leave over the moon feeling loved. you can tell she does this in excess bc she really truly means it and cares about people like me, she doesnt have any kind of ulterior motive and isnt just going through the motions doing whats asked of her, she simply cares about me and the rest of her fans. some examples - the first time we met, i was sobbing (lol) and she hugged me for a really long time, rocking me back and forth, brushing my hair with her thumb, calling me sweetheart and honey. she even started to tear up a bit herself. - a couple months later, i went to my first liv and maddie taping. i was preparing to reintroduce myself (i looked a little different bc id been cosplaying as maddie the first time i met her) and ofc when preparing myself, i fantasized pretty heavily as i usually do and pictured myself showing her the pic of us on my phone, her gasping, jumping out of her chair screaming, and hugging me, thinking that was probably way more than i was gonna get. that is EXACTLY what happened. then she went on to tell me how my costume made her whole weekend. things like this would continue to happen where i would set the bar impossibly high and not only would she meet it but she’d exceed it. - our usual interaction from there on would start with her face lighting up when she saw me, her calling me some kind of cute name like love or baby, and then hugging me without me even having to initiate it. - when i saw her in mamma mia, i didnt know when id be seeing her again afterwards after pretty consistently getting to see her for 2 years, so i wanted to make sure we got some kind of closure. at the stage door, i reminded her how much she meant to me and just expected like an “aww i love you too” or something back, but she said “you are an angel in my life” and i will never forget that. obvs, i havent told her ALL the details about what she and her characters mean to me but like...she can tell. she can tell if im in a homemade maddie costume sobbing into her arms that theres something there, and shes VERY appreciative of that. - i thankfully got to see her at a meet and greet a few months later and every time i thought i should get going cuz i didnt want to hold the line up, she would just open her arms for another hug. speaking of being appreciative, she even said “thank you for being such a supportive fan.” as i left, i turned around to say one last goodbye. i made sure she wasnt with the next fan yet and yelled out “bye!” and she yelled back “I LOVE YOU!!” and blew me a kiss. again, its the little things. - i saw her at a small panel in new york a few months after that. she walked in the room when the lights were down as they were playing a clip, she quietly waved hi to everyone, then saw me and loudly whispered HI BABY!!! and stopped on her way to the stage to give me a hug. (then she looked at me from the stage and asked which way i thought she should cross her legs for the interview lol) - sometimes when she sees im next in line, shell give me a knowing smile or whisper “hi baby!!” or something like that. she saw me in the crowd after clueless and seemed to make a point to come to me last bc she knew wed be talking for a while, which we did. she even told me she’d seen me in the audience, asking if i was in the front on the left, which i was.

even all that is still just scratching the surface. weve “known” each other for 5 years now and every time i think she’s done the most she can do, she outdoes herself again. not to mention when im at these events, i see her treat all the fans she meets with all of that kindness too. naturally all of this has made me love her all the more.

- finally, lets just be honest here..........................shes REALLY fucking hot.

[skvaderarts]

Hiraeth Chapter 13: Forward

Masterlist can be found Here!

Chapter Thirteen: Forward

Notes: Sorry this one was a little late! I had company over, and we were having such a good time that I forgot to upload the chapter! My bad!

(-~-)

Time seemed to flow a little differently in the quiet chaos of the hospital’s intensive care wing. Drifting in and out of consciousness lent him a skewed sense of what was actually going on around him and, as such, he didn’t truly understand the gravity of the situation that he found himself in. And in a way, there was a part of him that was eternally grateful for that, because he could only scarcely imagine the horrors that must be occurring within his vicinity if the sounds were anything to go by.

All around him, the sounds of machinery humming and people shouting and yelling over one another filled the stagnant air, most not taking the news of the demise of their loved ones lightly. And there was no definite reason that anyone could give them as to why it had happened in the first place. It was simply one of those freak things that no one could really adequately prepare themselves for, like an earthquake or other natural disaster. Only this was different because should there have been an adequate police presence present at the time or some other form of armed response, they might still be alive. You couldn’t fight a tidal wave, but you could shoot an idiot with a knife who was trying to stab your mother to death. And while you couldn’t do anything to nature for sweeping your house away in a mudslide, you could sit in a courtroom and face the evil individuals who killed your family.

V felt fortunate at that moment that he had no one to lose. As much as he cared for Morgan, especially in the moments when he wasn’t sure they were both going to make it, they weren’t family in the way these other people were. He’d liken them to friends, maybe even good friends now. But he could only imagine what kind of damage losing your mother or father or even your grandparents to something like this could do to you. And as V drifted in the semiconscious state that he found himself in, he couldn’t help but feel the agony of the space around him. It was as if the hospital had a presence of its own and it was weeping in sorrow from what it had lost. What had been lost within its sterile walls despite the best attempts of those who sought to do the best they could by those who had been sent there to be cared for by them.

More time than he could adequately acknowledge in his hazy state passed, and soon he found himself awake. It was a strange sort of hyperawareness that he rarely felt, and it was somewhat akin to those rare mornings when you woke up and sat up in your bed only to realize that you were wide awake somehow. In truth, V had never been a morning person. It wasn’t so much that he was a night owl as it was the fact that his mind tended to wander into the late hours of the night, keeping him awake when all he craved was the sweet embrace of a deep slumber. But at that moment, he was very much awake. And he was very much aware of where he was.

Judging by the conversations that he had heard bits and pieces of, he was somewhat surprised that his leg wasn’t in some form of traction. In truth, he couldn’t actually feel anything that might be wrong with it. In fact, he hadn’t been able to feel it at all when he’d first realized that they were talking about him. But in that same vein, he was just glad that he still had it. Talk of hypothermia claiming a part of him like that was a phobia he hadn’t realized he’d had until that day, and it was one that he wasn’t keen on helping come to fruition. But at the moment he had more pressing matters to attend to.

There was a doctor there to see him, and they looked utterly and totally perplexed.

“Hello, young man. I apologize, but your medical chart doesn’t reflect your name, and I don’t think you’ve been treated here before due to a lack of other forms of identification or other records in our system.” He pulled up a chair, plopping down with a much friendlier look on his face than he’d previously possessed. He seemed somewhat intrigued instead of confused. “I’m David. I was just coming to check on you, and here you are, awake and coherent! Wonderful. You’re doing spectacular, all things considered. It’s actually slightly unbelievable.”

V tilted his head to the side slightly, admittedly taken aback slightly by the statement. What did he mean by that? Did they expect him to be doing poorly? In truth, his memory of what had happened recently was somewhat spotty due to his prolonged period of inactivity and semiconsciousness, but even still, that was enough to cause him a great deal of concern. The most he could remember was bits and pieces of him somehow reaching the road and then collapsing. What exactly had happened to him after that was a mystery, as far as he was concerned, so this was all news to him.

“I get the impression that you didn’t expect me to recover from…” He paused for a moment, trying his best to recall what had actually happened that could have injured him. Unfortunately, he came up empty. “Actually… what did happen to me? My memory is a little bit hazy at the moment. Did I hit my head or something?”

“No, but your vitals were all wrong when you arrived.” The doctor took a moment to leaf through the papers on his clipboard, shaking his head as though he himself didn’t believe what he was reading. “Your internal body temperature was at 90 degrees, and you were suffering from Acute Tachyarrhythmia. You’d also somehow managed to walk what we estimate was around 5 miles in soaking wet clothing during a blizzard with a major impairment to your right leg. At first, we thought your femur was broken, but all of our follow-up X-rays have come up inconclusive. I can’t say anything as to the rigidity of your bones, or your ability to actually walk at the moment, but the fact that you are sitting here breathing and seemingly just fine is nothing short of a miracle.”

If he’d been able to look at himself, V probably would have found the absolutely gobsmacked look on his face amusing. Despite the fact that he didn’t understand the implications of what most of those terms meant, that didn’t mean that he wasn’t somewhat shocked to hear that he had apparently nearly died and yet didn’t feel any different. “That condition you mentioned… acute -what was it- what does that mean?”

David looked at him for a moment as though he were attempting to remember what he was talking about before looking upwards again, seemingly jolted back to reality. “Oh! Acute Tachyarrhythmia? It’s a form of arrhythmia or heart palpitation. Essentially, your heart rate was far above what it should have been. Well into the 300s, and nearly at the 400 mark at its peak, which is irregular, to say the least! We had to administer anti-adrenaline, but much to our surprise, the normal dose didn’t seem to do much of anything. Four injections later, we were finally able to sedate you, but the entire situation was deeply strange, to say the least. That might be why you don’t remember much.”

Looking over at V, he paused for a moment to see how he was reacting to the news before continuing. Giving him a stress aneurysm after he’d managed to survive such extraordinary circumstances was relatively low on his list of wants, and the last thing he wanted to do was overwhelm him. “Are you alright? I can stop now, if you’d like. I understand that this is probably a bit much for you to take in so soon after waking up. You have been out of it for quite some time now.”

The white-haired teen immediately went on alert at the statement, his pupils dilating in slight apprehension and shock. What did he mean by that? “Please tell me that I haven’t been in a coma for several weeks or something like that. Even if you have to lie.”

David smiled sympathetically, shaking his head. “Oh, no! It’s only been about four days, young man. Nothing that serious. And that was mostly due to the sedatives we had to give you. I suspect that if your chart is anything to go by, that will be just fine.” He took another quick glance at the chart, his brow furrowing slightly as he looked over something. “You may have some arrhythmia issues in the future, but nothing that should impair or limit you. You’d need a follow-up appointment to look into that, however. I don’t have the authority to diagnose you with anything. I’m just a general medicine doctor, and that is my opinion on the matter. Nothing more, though I do hope you do well. You’ve been through an awful lot for someone so young. What a terrible shame.”

V resisted the urge to nod in agreement. Yes. He had been through entirely too much in his young life. As far as he was concerned, that was a fact. Still, he was surprised to find that he couldn’t make himself look at the situation with an entirely negative outlook. He’d never been through something so physically dangerous, but this was far from the first time he’d ever been in peril, and he was sure it would not be the last. That was just a fact of life. Or at least it was a fact of the life he lived, but what reason was there to be splitting hairs about it at this point?

“Yes. Yes, it is.” He lingered on the words that the doctor had spoken for a moment, turning to look in the direction of the window. He needed a moment to himself to think and take in the gravity of the situation that he found himself in. It was admittedly more than he could properly process all at once, but at least he knew for the most part that he was alright and that everything would be okay. But in all honesty, he didn’t know where he was going to go from there. Back to the town to pack, maybe. But after that, what would he do? “I realize that I still haven’t given you my name. You can call me V.”

The doctor looked at him as though he was going to question him further, but decided to drop the matter for the time being. After all, they weren’t going to be billing any of the survivors, and he was probably slightly dazed and overwhelmed at the moment. There was no point in pushing him to reveal information that he didn’t feel like discussing. And for all the doctor knew, that could very well be his name. People tended to give their children unusual names nowadays.

“Well, I’ll give you a little while to collect your thoughts and think of anything you’d like to ask. From what I can tell, your free to go, but there isn’t a rush.” David stood up and straightened out his coat, looking towards the door to check and see if he was needed. “Your one of the last people from Lympha that’s still here, so we’re not short on rooms or anything.”

A thought occurred to V as the doctor spoke those words, a low undertone of dread rising up from the pits of his gut. He knew the answer to his question long before he actually asked it, but he was hoping to be pleasantly surprised for once. Sadly, he received the usual brand of disappointment and anguish that he was so used to. It seemed that wherever he went, disaster followed not long after. “The rest of the townspeople… did any of them make it?’ 

Gods how he hoped his gut feeling could be wrong, but he knew.

David shook his head slightly, looking down at the floor for a moment. He fell silent, grief overtaking him for a moment before he responded. “Sadly not many of them did. So far of the two-hundred and thirty-seven residents that are currently known to reside in the town, we’ve only managed to locate about six of you so far. Thankfully the other three-fourths of the town were gone for the season at the time, so the damage was somewhat contained. I shudder to imagine what would have happened if everyone had been home for the season…”

V closed his eyes for a moment in contemplation, still facing the window. The warm sun wasn’t something he normally relished in. In fact, he was much more at home in colder climates. But in this particular instance, he couldn’t help but feel lucky to be able to feel anything at all. He didn’t want to know how many of those who had perished had been children or elderly people. None of them had deserved their fate. While everyone in the town hadn’t always been the kindest to him as a general rule, they had never been overtly unkind or hostile, and none of them had done something to merit the horrible end that they had been granted. At least not his knowledge, but he could scarcely imagine what they could have done to incur such insurmountable wrath, especially from such a seemingly random opponent.

“… What about the people who attacked us. Has anything been said about them?”

A sigh of something akin to contentment escaped David’s lips. V could tell that he was tired, and probably new to the job. Most of the doctors that he’d encountered in his life were a bit more adept at hiding how they felt. If he was willing to bet, he’d be willing to wager that David might be a resident or an intern of some sort. But his heart was in the right place, and he appreciated the honesty, especially in a situation like this. It didn’t matter to V in the slightest. Everyone had to start somewhere.

“Thankfully I can give you some good news there. Or, at least something a little bit better. It’s more strangeness, sadly.” The doctor leaned against the doorway, straightening his posture as best as he could. “That’s where they got the other survivors from. They were held up in the woods somewhere. The people who attacked your town had taken them into the woods to do some kind of ritual. Anyway, there was a huge shootout, and most of them were killed. Their accomplices in the next town over were arrested, and part of the town actually got buried under a snowdrift during the incident. Karma, maybe? Anyway, there hasn’t been given much of a reason yet, just something about how their “lord wished this of them” and “the prophecy has to be fulfilled”. They all sound out of their minds to me, but the one upside to this situation is that the people involved will be looked up for a long time, and they will never be able to hurt anyone else again. That’s the best outcome you can hope for in a situation like this if I’m being honest. It’s shades of grey, not black and white. And sometimes you have to find the brightest light in the darkest room, so to speak.”

Just as the doctor seemed to be about to continue, but didn’t get the chance. Just before he could speak, his attention was drawn away by a small head of messy hair poking through the doorway. Neither of them got the opportunity to speak before Morgan bolted into the room, running over in a teary-eyed mess to see if V was okay. David put his arm in front of her in an effort to stop her, but V waived him away, unwilling to allow her worries to be dismissed. He could tell she had been through an awful lot during his absences. Her eyes said it all.

“No no, let her through. Please. It’s fine. I know her.” V moved to sit on the edge of the bed, not entirely sure what his intention for doing so really was. If he was willing to guess, he’d say that he just wanted to show her that he was alright, but in truth, he didn’t really know whether or not he was or what he was so eager to come to her aid. There was just something about the look of absolute heartbreak on her pretty little face that struck a nerve with him. He never wanted to see her like that again.

“Oh thank- your okay! You haven’t been awake in like four days, V! I was worried sick about you!” Morgan looked as though she wanted to strangle him, but there was no anger in her face. Only relief, sorrow, and exhaustion. He got the impression that she probably hadn’t left the hospital, slept, or ate much in the time since he’d arrived. It was understandable, but he hoped it wasn’t the case. “I’m just glad you’re okay. You looked absolutely terrible when they brought you in. I thought you were gonna die! Had me worried sick there for a while”

Realizing that they needed time alone, the doctor waived politely to them both before quietly exiting the room and closing the door behind himself. Both V and Morgan watched him as he went, relieved to see one another again. He noted that as he tried to put weight on his right leg, he felt a persistent burning sensation and he had a bit of difficulty putting weight on it, but aside from that, he was sure that he could and would manage just fine on his own. Maybe that was the best place for him right now. Morgan would return to life with her family, and he would go elsewhere. Maybe just pack his bags and go. It was worth a shot.

“I’m glad to see you’re doing alright as well. I presume you’re going back to stay with your mother?” V asked, not entirely sure what to say or do at that point. It was a lot to take in.

Morgan nodded. “Yea, she’s waiting for me in the lobby. She came up to see you and thank you for helping me, but you were off getting an x-ray or something, so she couldn’t. Said to thank you for her. She’s too upset about my grandparents to really say much right now.” Morgan looked distant for a moment, more than likely sharing her mother’s sorrow. He knew that it had to be a lot for her. “What are you going to do now? Supposedly all of us are going to be getting some kind of huge payout for having to go through all of this nightmarish crap. I know your not just going to move back into that town and pretend that none of this happened. Any plans for the future, or is it too early in the morning for that.”

V smirked. He really did like this young girl. She had a certain tenacity to her that he didn’t see very often in the people he interacted with. And he was willing to admit that he thought he understood that sentiment. But he lacked the nerve, and that was something that she had in spades. 

“I think I’m going to pack my things, put them in storage, and catch the first train that goes as far as possible from here. Once I’m on board, I’ll ride it until I see someplace that catches my eye or until I reach the end of the line.” He shrugged slightly, unsure of what else to say. “If that happens, I’ll board a different train and keep going. And when I’m ready, I’ll contact you. I don’t know how long that will be, but I promise that I will.”

Morgan a hand on her hip, shaking her head. “Call me crazy, but I’m willing to bet you’ve done this before. Just a hunch.”

V nodded, smirking again. She was smarter than she looked, and that was truly saying something because she didn’t look the slightest bit stupid. “If you need me, contact me. Please. But I have to leave here. I’m sorry.”

She held up her hand to hush him. “I understand, V. Just knowing you’re alive is enough. Don’t’ you dare tell me your sorry. I don’t’ want you to be. I want you to leave here and live your life and be happy. I’m going to try and do the same. We both deserve that.”

He looked back at the window again, feeling the morning sun on his face. That was something that he was willing to agree with her on. After all, he’d always wanted to travel. And now that he had nothing to tie him down, why waste the opportunity. If there was one thing that the entire experience he’d just gone through had taught him, it was that he never knew when he could wake up and it could be his last day. He didn’t want to squander that. Not while he still had breath in his body.

(-~-)

I hope you all enjoyed this ark! It’s basically over now, so I’m excited to hear what you thought of it! See you all next week, and stay safe out there! To the comment section! Away!

[not-that-good-at-breathing-in]

~ ~ b r a v e n e w w o r l d ~ ~  ((dispassionate contentment))

I shall divide my thoughts on this book into four main categories: “I didn’t like it”, “is it actually a utopia?”, “Eugenics” and “oh god hyperconsumerism”. I will be informal, tangential, judgemental, but hopefully entirely factual. 

I didn’t like it

The first 100 pages feel completely separate from the rest and are just the most blatant exposition loosely framed in the device of “they were on a tour”. I think there are more engaging ways to start a novel. For example: it can start by introducing the main character as well as the world by having it be about his specific experience, or you can start with a shorter, even dryer text that would be in an in-world pamphlet or something. This way the audience can immediately be immersed in the world and figure things out for themselves, reading outright state propaganda as something unquestionable. But, obviously it isn’t like the book is going to be edited to my preferences after all these years and I don't think mr. Huxley will do anything with the advice either, since he died of laryngeal cancer in 1963.

I also didn’t think any of the characters were sympathetic, either because the pov clearly looked down on them as was with the people who strongly identified with their communities (mostly the mother and Bernard's girlfriend). And the people that were supposed to be taken seriously (i think) were these intellectual men who thought themselves outsiders who could objectively judge the world around them and decide what’s best for everyone (Bernard, John, Galaxy Brian). This is not a type of person I am particularly fond of in the real world and that dislike also extends to the brave new world.

At first, I thought the main character (Bernard) would change and become more chill at some point, but no. He had social anxiety throughout and his coping mechanism was arrogance. I also liked John before he decided to use his life and position to be a raving lunatic by the woods - an understandable, attractive life path, but the implications of it are hopeless. Are you saying the answer to living in a horrifying, dystopian hellscape is to be a thespian recluse, Aldous? Is that really the most productive course of action, Al?

Is it actually a utopia?

As opposed to most “future: bad”-science fiction, most people in the world of Brave New World see their society as a utopia. Only the ragtag gang of angsty male protagonists think of it as being dystopian, which the figures of authority view as a fault of the system. If they have any negative opinion of their society, then clearly the system  of indoctrination has failed them. If only society were more tightly controlled, then it really would be a utopia. But we as the audience of course don’t see it as a utopia at all. The industrialization of human bodies makes that everybody only exists for the sake of the Economy. There are no individuals, only society as a whole, serving itself.

But if the average happiness of a member of a society is not the factor by which we determine how desirable a society is, then what is? 

Diversity? Brave New World has a diverse range of citizens, though they do look the same for the most part, because they exist in large groups of twins. The different groups are bred to be in different social classes and they are discouraged from identifying with each other. So maybe diversity among social groups is important...

Technological progress? If I remember correctly, Brave New World puts a lot of resources into the advancement of science and technology. 

Freedom? The big dystopian science fiction thing that Brave New World gleefully indulges in is *ominous music* TOTALITARIAN GOVERNMENT. In this world, you lose any ability to choose for yourself as you are being produced. Your moral framework, your priorities, your aesthetic taste are decided during your infancy. You do not learn about things you are curious about, but only the things the factory prescribes. Any decision you make after you leave the factory is so heavily decided by the way you’ve been programmed, that it can't be of your own free will however much you think it is. As Huxley himself said: “A really efficient totalitarian state would be one in which [leaders] control a population of slaves who do not have to be coerced, because they love their servitude.”

So, is the purpose of humanity freedom? Idk sure.

Eugenics

Lets start this off by saying that Aldous Huxley was a eugenicist. Here’s a few quotes to support this claim: 

“About 99,5% of the entire population of the planet are as stupid and philistine … as the great masses of the English. The important thing, it seems to me, is not to attack the 99,5% ... but to try to see that the 0,5% survives, keeps it’s quality up to the highest possible level, and, if possible, dominates the rest. The imbecility of the 99,5% is appalling - but after all what else can you expect?” - in a letter to J. Glyn Roberts in 1933

“Birth control depends on the co-operation of an entire people. It must be practiced by countless individuals, from whom it demands more intelligence and will power than most of the world's teeming illiterates possess, and (where chemical or mechanical methods of contraception are used) an expenditure of more money than most of these millions can now afford.” - excerpt from Brave New World Revisited in 1958, in a chapter all about how overpopulation is destroying average living conditions. The looming threat of overpopulation is one of the biggest arguments used in favour of eugenic policies, while the most of the problems attributed to overpopulation are actually symptoms of late stage capitalism… am I getting off topic? Anyway, Aldous had shit politics.

I think the premise of the book is largely about taking the best case scenario of full blown population control to its logical conclusion. “Best case scenario” means that he’s leaving the bigotry and enthnic cleansing out of it (yay?). So, the best case scenario is one in which humans have played god so much that individuality is no longer a thing and neither is passion. Because children are no longer created through copulation, people are discouraged from forming long lasting pair bonds. This form of eugenics eradicates the tedious variable of ♥love♥. 

Consumerism

And even with everyone being conditioned to be content all the time, they still need to B U Y  S T U F F. So, as a means of further pacifying the people, trinkets, sports and spiritual practices are offered as commodities (this doesn’t sound familiar at all). People are not supposed to use things for long amounts of time, so nothing is made to be durable and people are encouraged to use anything once before throwing it away (again, not familiar at all).

The main thing that stuck in my mind after reading this book is that children are conditioned not to enjoy nature. The baby factory puts a lot of effort in overriding our natural instinct of thinking flowers are pretty, because they aren’t profitable enough. I guess I hadn’t really thought about it being in capitalism's favour to distance people from nature as much as possible. This goes along with the fact that it's in capitalism's favour not to think of people as organic beings who are part of a larger ecosystem, because that would mean in hurting nature we also hurt ourselves.

Honestly, the consumerism aspect of this book is too real and I get a bit too despondent thinking about it for a long amount of time. Like, we live in a society where all of our base needs/desires are targeted with advertising for unfulfilling and addictive products to turn a profit for one of, like a few people who also happen to own every flat on kalverstraat and who don’t give a shit the people they’re mooching off of.

[spirit-of-the-void]

Ebony and Ivory (V x Reader Fanfic) Chapter 35

Author’s notes: So sorry that this was late! I had to end up changing a lot more than I expected and essentially rewrote the who freaking chapter to compensate

Chapter 35

That moment between you and Vergil did not last long.

There was still so much more to say, to get off your chest. And his too, you would imagine. Vergil did not seem the type to lose himself in anything, but it was clear now he remembered a lot more than he let on. The son of Sparda was right, you were foolish not to realize sooner that V’s memories would still remain in this man, or that Vergil himself would not know how to process them. His burst of emotion had thrown him off kilter--you could see the confusion and desperation in his expression leading up to all that transpired. The very notion was like a dagger in your heart, twisting in place after that kiss and leaving you in your own state of disbelief and agony, bleeding and bleeding without fail.

What were you supposed to do, to feel? Vergil was so buried in his own, self made walls and barriers that he seemingly didn’t know how to handle emotions anymore. Even now, he did not speak after his rasped apologies to you, ones that were entirely unexpected. His head rested on your shoulder, body not moving while the last of your tears dried. So quiet--that silence spoke volumes,  the Sparda radiating heat like a furnace in the continuing howl of the Void.

You didn’t know what to do, what to say to him. There had been a lot of cruelty spouted on both sides, things that were both needed and not. Regret filled you at how the situation had been handled, about some of the words that had left your mouth, but...some of them were things Vergil needed to hear, things you doubted someone had told him before.

There was no doubting the connect you still had. But now it was more confusing than ever.

You were a good person before anything else, even when someone had hurt you. There were things you didn’t understand, and that ignorance made it hard to excuse both V and Vergil’s actions during and leading away from the Qliphoth tree. But...you knew for certain now. Knew that the very same pain V had shared with you had been just as raw in Vergil, perhaps worse considering he refused to acknowledge it. Sometimes it was easier to run from pain, to hide it under layers and layers of coping mechanisms and toxic thinking to try and act like it wasn’t there. To make oneself feel strong--but it wasn’t healthy, and it was clear in Vergil’s case he got it into his head that becoming powerful was the answer, that feeling emotion would make him weak again. And what a shame that was, to see someone come out on the wrong side of their pain in a way that only caused more. A cycle, one that shouldn’t keep repeating.

His trauma did not excuse what he did, the deaths he caused. But it did explain them.

Could you possibly help Vergil? Especially with so much blood on his hands, hatred in his heart? All the day had proven was the capacity to feel did exist in him, but it took drastic measures to reach it, ones that did not need repeating. And you doubted he wanted to do so either. But there was no way this could be left alone to fester again, both of you sitting in a strange place where neither one knew what the other wanted, what to do with these feelings left over from that time in the tree. And that...was painful. It felt both wrong and right, splitting you right down the middle and leaving a lingering sense of nervousness and anxiety. It felt...right, kissing Vergil, but it didn’t feel right either.

Because you could feel V was a part of him, but those were not his lips, not his face or his body. You head was sending such mixed signals it almost made you dizzy.

“Vergil…” You spoke first, voice soft and cracking with how raw it felt. He tensed slightly at the sound, a breath of air exhaling from his lips as you continued in that same, lost tone, “You...you have V’s memories...don’t you?”

We are quite the pair, you and I.

He swallowed audibly, a sigh escaping those lips he had just kissed you with as he raised his head to finally look at your face. And what an expression to see on Vergil, one of tired pain, sorrow, desperation. Unable to pull himself back together after everything being so raw, and that made your own heart hurt to echo his.  It was clear that he didn’t know what to do either, how to handle these emotions of his.

“...There was no hiding it,” He replied after some pause, running a hand through his silver hair and letting out another sigh, “Not when the memories are so...loud.”

Loud?

You closed your eyes, resting a single hand where his heart resided inside his chest. It was still racing, tempo still trying to find its rhythm as you replied softly, “Is the idea of loving me...so repulsive to you?”

What were you saying? It was never that easy, never. A relationship formed on the bones of what V left behind would have stung, caked with bitterness and struggle. But even then, the words still left your lips as you continued quietly, “Had you told me from the start I could have...could have…”

I could have tried--even if the shape is different, even if he’s buried inside you I would have tried to find him in you again. But how can I now, when it’s clear that the idea of loving me is only a weakness in your eyes?

Vergil fell silent for another moment, followed by the feeling of his chin resting on the top of your head. Such an action felt strange from him, a person who seemingly did not like affection in any form.

“...Repulsive isn’t the correct word,” He finally muttered, sounding incredibly tired and unsure of himself, “I didn’t know what to make of the memories I have--they feel like mine, yet also like a stranger’s. His memories. I have not been made to feel in a long time--to feel is to be human, and to be human is to embrace weakness. And you brought out that humanity, and it was…”

Frightening. It frightened him--you became that weakness in his eyes.

It made you feel incredibly sad, the way he had seemingly forged himself on the ideals of feeling as little as possible. Throwing away all that made him human, trying to appeal to his demonic half like it would somehow make him strong. Enough so to never be hurt again, to steel himself against the world’s cruelty brought upon at such a young age. And you hadn’t been any better, spending all those years filling your own head with the idea of pain being the only thing to make you feel alive, that suffering terrible agony would justify your existence. But...there were human emotions that people needed to survive, like empathy and kindness and love. To see Vergil deprive himself of even those…

V’s words echoed through your mind, coupled with the image of him staring at you with those pained, jade eyes.

There is so much I want to tell you...But I am a coward, love. A brittle, selfish man trying to cling to whatever he can in the time he has.

V had tried to warm you, hadn’t he? Peppered all through your conversations, warning you away from what he knew made up Vergil’s mind and consciousness. If the poet saw Vergil in such a negative light...did the son of Sparda see himself that way too?

Does he...secretly hate himself?

But the chance to think into it more never came. Before you even had the chance to raise your head, the platform you were both suspended on began to rumble, making Vergil growl and your head snap back up. The Void was starting to shift around you, pieces of debris moving and attaching together over your head and on the platform itself. There were items suspended on them, ones curious in nature--a bed with dark colored sheets, whale-oil filled, glowing lanterns. Things certainly not from the world Vergil came from, but ones from various others.

The masses formed a more coherent space area around you, full of jagged stone and mysterious carvings that you could read as a follower of this particular Deity. With it came the quickening whispers all around, hushed voices rising in their tempo as a low hum of energy made the air vibrate ominously.

He had finally decided to show his face, hadn’t he?

Vergil was quicker to act than you, yanking your limp form up and into a standing position with one fluid movement--you legs felt so weak, you were lucky they didn’t immediately give out. He was clearly still on edge, teeth grit and face a mask of tense anger and frustration that did not diminish.

You couldn’t blame him for being mad--this whole situation was brought about by the Deity’s actions, a lot more than he could even comprehend. Had the God not sent you to their dimension to begin with...Vergil would have awakened as planned, unburdened by his feelings for you and going about life how he should have. All this turmoil had you at its center, eye of the storm placed by the Deity’s hands.

But...that hardly mattered right now.

Shards of black crystal swirled overhead in an ominous cloud, traveling around your form and bringing an even heavier chill to the air. You flinched when the presence sent your hair lifting a bit, eyes going wide as the cloud hovered on a piece of debris ahead and began taking on a physical shape. One of a man, tall and lean in his silhouette. This was exactly what you had hoped to avoid--this was way too close to feeling like a child, about to be scolded by their angry parent. After those four months of silence, what else could you expect to get here? Certainly not anything good, despite how little you knew about his intentions. Instinctively you took a step back, head bowing and body stiff as a board--because despite the fact that the Deity had wronged you, he had also left you alone with your powers without trying to take them.

And you would rather not stand defiant in the face of something like him.

Vergil did not like your act of submission. He took a step forward, placing himself partially in front of your body and putting an arm out as a means to hold you back. He didn’t have his Yamato on him, did he? It was still sitting precariously on the ground several feet away, left abandoned when the incident happened. Vergil didn’t seem hindered without it; his expression had gone cold and calculated again, eyes icy and filled with intense distrust and displeasure.

Comparatively to you, he had zero connection to such a powerful being, and akin to Dante he must have known better than to trust something so enigmatic in nature. One who stood between all things, a creature of neither good nor evil. He truly was like his brother in this case, steadfast with no fear in those icy blue eyes, the wind disturbing his slicked back hair only slightly and seemingly like a pillar of strength in the situation grasping you both.

But you knew better. He was still uncertain of himself.

He watched as the Deity finally took form, steadfast and muscles tensed like a cobra ready to strike at any time. You hated how fearful facing the god made you feel, waiting with baited breath for him to take that strange image you were always used to seeing--one of mystery, a blank slate of memories that never stayed consistent. How could you read a man when your head could never comprehend his face? That alone should have told you not to trust the God from the beginning, the very fact that he never seemed to allow your eyes to take in his whole image. The black crystal was clustering into his shape, merging together like water and hardening itself.

But...something was different this time. Slower.

You and Vergil watched his body start to materialize, starting with the boots all the way up to the black hair on his head. Like the shimmering of glass, his body took shape in a wave of crystal as he--wait.

His hair. His hair was black.

Your eyes opened wider in shock, realizing that for once in your years of serving him that you had remembered his hair color without confusion. It was visible, it wasn’t scattered and confusing--You were seeing him, and your brain was not fuzzing it out. No more static, no more warping, no more confusion on his description.

Your heart started to pound faster and faster, shock and confusion entering the chorus of emotions spinning around your skull, unable to tear your eyes away as each part of him came into existence, all the way down to the face you had seen so many times without truly gazing upon it--and that alone was enough to tell you how unprepared you were for this situation, how unpredictable the Deity’s intentions were. To show you this now, after so many years of holding it back--To truly see him for once, unfiltered and clear as the sky on a summer day...it was unbelievable, and it made your legs feel like they were about to fold under you.

You were seeing the God, all of him without filter.

The Deity was smiling lightly when he finally took shape, black eyes meeting yours over Vergil’s shoulder. His clothing was older in design, high-collared and dark grey from his coat to the slacks on his legs. Being able to make out his face felt odd, wrong in a way. All these years of staring at something you could never comprehend, to now gaze upon him with clear eyes was...unsettling. Even more so when he looked almost normal, human, the black eyes and overwhelming presence the only indication that something was amiss.

The god was handsome, with high cheekbones and tired eyes, like he hadn’t tasted sleep in all his years of existence. Standing poised, hands clasped behind his back and legs slightly parted in a stance that spoke of confidence, of a man who had his pieces laid out on the table and ready to fall into place. That expression he wore sent a twinge of nervousness down your spine, like staring at a smug cat finally about to get his cream.

What is he planning?

Why did he bring us here?

What can we do?

“It has been quite some time, has it not?” The Deity said in low greeting, slowly tipping his head to one side and leveling his gaze on you, “Y/N. I have missed you, child of mine.”

Cue your immediate panic, mouth half opening but no words coming out. What were you supposed to say to him after all this time? Nothing could come out, none of it. Anger, betrayal, fear. There were so many emotions he stirred, which could stick?

Luckily, you had time to think on it. Vergil spoke before you, his tone whipping out sharply like a javelin as he pushed you further back.

“What is the meaning of this?” His eyes did not waver, even under the scrutiny of a God. That black gaze slowly slid over to him instead, that amusement not fading even when Vergil continued in a low growl, “State your business and be done with it--we aren’t here to indulge in your games.”

The Deity gave no indication of anger, merely shifting lightly on his feet and taking a few measured steps around where you and Vergil stood--circling like a predator stalking prey.

Bad bad bad. Don’t look at him like that--with so much interest.

“You are Vergil, son of Sparda and Eva,” He remarked, trailing his dark vision over the man in question with a bit of a smirk on his lips. One step, then another. Vergil turned with him, refusing to remove his eyes from the God and shifting you with him, “A power hungry half-breed who has caused the death of countless in his pursuit of self-gain. To wallow in self-pity so deep, you have surely began to drown.”

Vergil’s shoulder’s visibly tensed at his words, brow furrowing in a sharp look of annoyance. You didn’t like the Deity’s words either, like the Deity had some sort of malice against the son of Sparda. Vergil may have wronged you, but...there was no trust left for the Deity, not after all that had transpired between you both. You didn’t want him anywhere near the half-demon, and whatever he had planned was not to pass.

“Don’t waste my time with such useless prattle. I’m not here to be judged by the likes of you.” Vergil stated flatly, unimpressed by the God’s calmly-spoken statements. His words earned him a raised brow, that poised smile twitching only slightly with...impatience? Anger? There was no way to be sure, not with how little you knew of the Deity’s facial expressions.

Vergil definitely wasn’t making things better by giving so much attitude. You wished he wasn’t like Dante, but the two were unfortunately similar--what did he serve to gain by insulting a higher being when they were stuck in his domain?

It spelled out a bad situation, one that you would not be able to save him from.

Do something. Anything.

You stepped out from behind Vergil, forcing your hands to stop shaking and making the God’s eyes shift back to you. They immediately lightened with interest, that smile turning into something akin to a grin, one that was almost affectionate. Like...he expected this of you.

Remain steadfast, without fear.

“No more games,” You said softly, finding it hard to keep your voice as strong and calm as you wanted it to be. It had been so long since you addressed the creature before you, so long since you stood in this place and begged for anything. You thought it was beyond you, a time long past in your life, but...drastic measures had to be taken now, especially with the son of Sparda dragged into it, “Please. This does not involve him. If you want to speak to me, if you wish to punish me, just let Vergil leave and be done with it. I beg this of you.”

Please. Don’t bring anymore interference to his life. I’ve done enough damage already.

Vergil let out a sharp hiss at your declaration, anger flashing in his eyes as he started to protest, “You will so no such thing…!”

His concern was still surprising, especially when it was that vehement. But...as it stood, he was the only thing that remained from the poet you loved, as scattered and unrecognizable as he seemed. You would be damned before letting anything happen to him, no matter how cruel the man had been to you. It would hurt, it would be frightening, but it was a risk you were willing to take if it meant preserving the last bit of V that was left behind. He was a bastard, but...this was all you could do, and it was your interference that caused all the madness to begin with.

But the Deity had other plans in mind, ones that you did not expect.

He tilted his head again, slowly raising a hand in your direction and making you flinch despite how slow the motion was. His expression was still that impassive smile, one that you could not read at all and those black eyes so deep you felt like they were trying to drown you. For a moment...was that hesitation that flickered there in the inky blackness? A worry, or maybe disappointment? Like he was feeling a bit regretful about something he had done, or was about to do.

All that he does, The Void whispered in your ear, startling you thoroughly and making your shoulders jolt, He does for you. Never doubt how blessed you are to having the graces of the black-eyed God.

What? What the hell did that mean?

“Contrary, my child,” The God in question said softly, tone so calm and tranquil it scared you--it still managed to cut  Vergil off despite how quiet it was. And that alone was enough to make you freeze in place, “You are only one providing interruptions--haven’t I taught you not to speak out of turn?”

You had made a mistake.

The moment his fingers twitched agony erupted in all of your limbs, making your back bow and tendrils crack out of your from. Cold, burning, freezing all at once, causing you to fall to your knees and sealing a silent scream in your throat. It hurts it hurts it hurts-- it was akin to how it felt when the Foresight rebelled against you, but somehow worse. The tendrils wrapped around your arms and legs, snaking their way to your waist and throat and holding you down through the thrashing and struggling. It all happened so fast, your brain blanked out, unable to comprehend that level of suffering all at once and panicking now that Vergil was no longer in your field of view. What had you done? Not like this, please don’t subdue me again, not like that time in the tree. Please don’t make me relive that again.

Why? Why was the God doing this to you, after all you had done to serve him? Tears stung your eyes, which were now turning black with your level of panic and stinging terribly with the pain.

And worse--Before you could scrape any pleas from your clenched throat, each sense disappeared one by one. Hearing, seeing, touch. You went from thrashing in agony to absolutely limp, now floating in a sea of nothingness with no idea what had happened. To have all of one’s senses ripped away, to have no control at all...it was maddening, bringing forth tears that you could no longer feel from your eyes.

This is worse--this is worse!

I’d rather the pain.

I’d rather suffer than feel nothing.

Every sense suddenly cut out, but your consciousness remained. Unable to see, hear, or feel anything with your mind screaming in terror and disbelief. Pain was one thing, to be suspended in absolute darkness with your consciousness still wide awake was another. Was he going to erase your memories? How long would you be subdued? There was no room to struggle, to scream, to cry. All that you could do was try to control your panicking thoughts, mentally begging the being to release you and promising submission if he would just let Vergil go. Doubts aside, inconsistencies too, you couldn’t afford taking any chances based on useless theorizing anymore. You were trapped, leaving Vergil at the whims of a God who had zero predictability.

And that was what frightened you most of all.

(Vergil POV)

What had the God done to you?

Vergil was forced to watch in shock and horror was your body collapsed, tendrils snapping into the ground and lifting you up on a pillar of black crystal. He tried to reach out and catch you when you fell, but the tendrils lashed out and slashed at his jacket, knocking him away while your mouth opened in a silent scream. You went absolutely slack as soon as the crystal formed around your arms, waist, and legs while the God watched on with a calm expression, smile fading a bit into something a little more reserved. What had he done? What had he fucking done to you? Vergil scrambled back up, huffing and panting as he took in your face. Eyes black now, wide open with shock and face now blank--there was no movement from your body, no indication that you were even alive.

And that was enough to send him spiraling back into that dark place, one on the very edge of rage.

No no no! The voice cried, banging on his consciousness like fists on steel doors, unrelenting, Do something! DO SOMETHING!

He bolted back to your side, hands grasping your prone face in his fingers with a sense of desperation that still startled him. Your lips were parted, shallow breaths leaving them--lips he had kissed just moments ago. They had kissed you, the very knowledge of it was still shocking, jarring, like another life had occurred in a moment. He and the voice inside had aligned at your callous words, losing control in a snap of heated tension and broken barriers. Your reaction had been daggers in his heart--both hearts. It was painfully clear who that voice was, Vergil had just been too stubborn to accept it. Loud, arrogant, furious and so in love with you...it would make sense that the poet would remain after how strong you made him, after all.

V was still here.

He was appalled by the state of you, filled with worry and despair as they both watched whale oil start to drip from your eyes like tears. And worse, there was nothing he could do to help you--Vergil knew that, knew trying was pointless. The God had you enveloped in crystal like his fist, gripping you in a tight and infallible vise. Vergil lifted his cold, panicked eyes from you to stare down the being, feeling his anger coil tighter and prepare itself to snap. The closest thing Vergil had ever fought to a god had been Mundus, a battle that had ended in failure of the worst kind. The defeat was still bitter on his tongue, a harsh reminder of his past mistakes that would never leave. But this treatment of you was unacceptable--you were not a plaything, not a pawn for him to manipulate as he pleased.

Vergil contemplated making a mad dash for the Yamato, despite how ineffective he knew it would be. This was the God’s domain, his place of power. He might as well be painfully human in the Void.

The God seemed to sense his thoughts, clicking his tongue lightly and teleporting over to the sword in question. As Vegril watched with wide eyes, he plucked the blade up with delicate fingers, earning an immediate reaction. The blade hissed with steam, rising up from the god’s hands as the energy within burned and fought back against the foreign holder. There was no change from him, not even a hint of pain in those black eyes of his as he turned to face Vergil once more.

“Your weapon is filled with your father’s essence,” He remarked, tilting that black gaze over to Vergil as he slowly walked closer, “His energy never did agree with mine.”

“What have you done to her?!” Vergil hissed, ignoring the man’s comments entirely and hating how his pale, disgusting hands were on the Yamato. This was all going absolutely wrong, he didn’t know what to do to save you. Akin to that day all those months ago, when you had collapsed in the apartment bathroom after healing V to the best of your capabilities--he was left stricken, staring at you in a state of panic and horror with his hands practically tied behind his back.

Helpless. We are helpless as always, just like when we were young.

The Deity smiled, like Vergil’s response somehow pleased him. After weighing the sword a few more seconds, he tossed it back to the Sparda quite unceremoniously. Vergil caught it with deft fingers, immediately whipping it out to point it at the unfazed creature like his threats actually held any weight.

They didn’t, of course.

“Worry not,” He said calmly, teleporting over to a nearby piece of debris and sitting down on it in a leisurely fashion, like they were two friends discussing the weather, “I have merely subdued her for the time being--she can neither see nor hear us, which leaves time to discuss a proposition I have for you.”

Proposition?

The Deity smiled, immediately seeing Vergil’s expression of absolute disgust and mistrust. He knew damn well making any sort of deal with a God was a bad idea, especially a god like this. A trickster, a player of games and manipulator of human souls. There was no doubt he had ill intentions in mind, especially with a coy expression like that. He chuckled, splaying his arms out wide as he met Vergil’s dark gaze with an equally unwavering one of his own--because he knew, it in the end, he had the Sparda in a bind, right where he wanted him. Cornered with no way out, torn between his nature and doing whatever it would take to defend you from this creature.

And being cornered was something he did not like.

“No need to look so crass,” He hummed, seeming positively amused by the whole situation as he continued, “I will give you the gift of knowing my name--my true name, and I will propose to you a challenge you would be reluctant to refuse.”

A challenge that he had no choice but to accept.

Vergil curled his lip, putting himself in front of your poised form and raising the sword again, “And what is the alternative if I refuse?”

The black-eyed bastard tilted his head to one side, lips still curved in that bemused smile as he lowered his arms back down and rested his hands on his lap.

“It seems to me that you already hope to refuse,” He observed, standing up again and taking a few slow, measured steps toward the volatile half demon. The Yamato was of no consequence to him, clearly, “You should hear what I have to offer first before you jump to such conclusions, son of Sparda.”

“I am no fool, I know better than to make deals with Gods like you,” Vergil immediately snapped in reply, brow furrowed in fury as he held the Deity’s patient  gaze, “But you might as well tell me your name, so I’ll know what to write on your grave.”

Cocky, you are too cocky--The voice in his head was frantic, filled with panic and anger as Vergil stared down the calm god--He will kill you, there is no chance of beating this man…!

That only made the Deity smile, like he could somehow sense the turmoil rolling around in the other man’s head. Vergil didn’t appreciate how confident he was, nor did he like the stakes at play. If the God chose to trap him in the Void for a period of time, how could he hope to get out? If the being so decided it, he could disappear and leave him to wander alone for a century, maybe longer. Would he age in a place like this? Though he could stay in Sin Devil Trigger form as long as possible, but that would not hold for long. There was too much stacked against him, and the reality of it put a bitter taste in his mouth.

To submit was something he hated above all things, but...He looked back at your face, still glassy-eyed and staring up at the non-existent sky. He could sense your fear and panic when all this happened, could feel you reaching out for him when you were forced down into submission. He couldn’t leave you behind, not again, not after everything you both had been through. He had a duty to see this through, and there would be no leaving the Void without you in his arms.

Yes, The voice--no, V--sounded pleased in his head, tone low and filled with adoration as he saw you through Vergil’s eyes, No more hurting her, not again. Please...I know it is hard to swallow your pride, but we must try...she would do the same for you.

For once...they were both in alignment.

“I see you’ve made your choice,” The Deity observed, making Vergil dart his gaze back to the black-eyed bastard as he clasped his hands behind his back again. There was a smug air about him, a pleased one. He should have been spouting peacock feathers with a face like that, “There is some common sense in your head after all.”

Dont. Don’t reply to that--he isn’t worthy of it.

Vergil grit his teeth, quite literally swallowing his pride and biting down on whatever retort was trying to make its way past his lips. If he was to be forced against the wall, he would play the Deity’s games, consequences be damned. Because the sooner he won, the sooner he could get you home to safety.

And from there...well. He was sure V would come up with something.

“Your name.” Vergil said shortly, tone clipped and anger as he sheathed the Yamato once more. He was tired of this prattle, and wanted to get on to this deal the being apparently wanted to make.

The God let out a low hum, turning away to look out at the Void and all its enigmatic glories as they floated by. A whale carcass, what looked to be a metal carriage, a marble statue. Like a world had shattered to pieces and scattered itself in the vast emptiness, but none of it felt familiar to his own world. What could have birthed a place like this, or worse, a creature like the nameless one before him? How did people come to worship a god who aligned himself with nothing but the cold and the dark? He remembered your pain, the nightmares that plagued you at night to make you relive the traumas of your past. A soft thing, one who was desperately kind and filled with wanting--that made it very obvious, did it not?

This man took advantage of those who had no other way out, in the deepest pits of despair. He sensed their longing, their pain, and turned it into his power.

“I have been called many names,” The black eyed bastard finally replied, stepping onto a floating piece of debris so he could run his hand over the runes written there. They looked ancient, unfamiliar, not in any language Vergil recognized, “The men of the Abbey call me the Devil, others call me the mighty Leviathan.”

He turned, leveling the Sparda with his deep, endless gaze as that smirk curved his lips once more.

“You may call me…The Outsider.”

Outsider? Vergil gripped the handle of his Yamato, feeling even more unnerved when he realized how unfamiliar he was with this being. Of all the tomes and legends he had read, not one had mentioned a creature like this one...had they? He was racking his brain, trying to remember any lines of dialog that matched the Outsider’s description, or any of his names. Only one even remotely close came to mind, one he read in a library in his brief passing through an abandoned city.

He hadn’t paid it much attention due to it not mentioning Sparda in the slightest, but the words on the yellow-stained page had seemingly stuck with him for a while now, hidden in his subconscious. Words depicting a traveler that jumped through the dark, one who seemingly had mysterious powers from a Leviathan who lived in the space between spaces. A tired man, serving a God who no one understood and disappearing just as fast.

Those who bear his mark earn his power.

He could remember a marking on you, right over your hip bone on the right side. A black mark, almost runic in nature--that had been his, hadn’t it?

“Outsider,” Vergil growled, patience waning faster if it wasn’t already gone, “State your business or be done with it.”

That made the God chuckle, hopping down from the debris where he hovered lightly in air, sitting on nothing and crossing his legs, “You are a man seeking power, are you not?” He tipped his head to the side, regarding Vergil with an unreadable gaze and that flat smile as he continued, “If there is anything I can provide you, it is such a thing--I can give you a prize of your choosing, make you as strong as Sparda himself if you can pass the trials I have laid out for you.”

Vergil didn’t like the sound of this. When things seemed too good to be true, they generally were. But that deep, aching, yearning part of him that wanted to be strong, wanted to be past the defeat always plaguing him…

Don’t, V whispered, voice pleading and soft, Please--this is not what she wants.

He knew that. He did. But what more could be done now? A prize of his choosing, right?

What the God could provide was limitless, full of opportunity he didn’t otherwise have. Vergil found his eyes sliding over to you again, still immobilized on the pillar of crystal with no idea what was happening between them. There were cards that needed to be played here, and now the game was his to manipulate as he saw fit--not just for him, but for you as well.

Vergil felt strange...for once in his life, he felt like there was something beyond power to gain, something that would no longer burden you both. Your pain was not lost on him, a constant source of guilt that made his entire heart and being ache terribly. Every memory, every heartbeat, every touch...he was never deserving of you, never. You were made of good things, kindness and light compared to the shadow he had always lived in. How long had he lived only thinking for himself, full of selfish desires and that hunger for power? And all that had come from it was defeat, anger, pain, trauma. You had been the only light in his life for such a long time, showing his human half a love that had strengthened him. He had spat in the face of that kindness, breaking you down to nothing and hurting you in the worst possible way. Could someone such as him ever truly make you happy, especially with the things about himself he could not change.

He could never be vulnerable with you as V could. Never open himself to affection, soothe you when needed, be soft and gentle with your heart that was already broken.

But something still existed that could.

Vergil…?

If I’m going to do right by someone, for once in my life...it has to be her. Her and no one else.

“I’m listening.”

The Outsider chuckled, teleporting down to stand in front of Vergil again and crossing his arms over his chest. This was exactly what the God wanted to hear--there was a hint of glee in those black eyes of his, as if he sensed the very line of thought Vergil possessed.

“Three trials, to see if you are truly strong enough to handle what power I can give you,” He stated, smile fading a bit to something a bit more serious and cold as he met Vergil’s eyes, “If you should succeed, I will give you whatever it is you desire. But should you succumb to my trials…”

There will be punishment. There was no missing the implications in his tone.

“...So be it,” Vergil replied with a slow breath, resigning himself to whatever fate the God had planned, “What will the punishment be if I should fail?”

We cannot afford to fail, V muttered, sounding anxious and annoyed with all that was laid out before them, Not now, not here.

The Outsider took a step closer to Vergil, his black-eyed stare tilting to the side so he could gaze at your stricken form. There was something akin to sadness in his eyes, almost...fatherly when he stared at your face and reached out a hand to touch you. Vergil wasn’t having that, grabbing the god’s wrist and halting him in place. Touching him was like asking for frostbite, but he couldn’t care less--there would be no approaching your form with those cold hands, not now, not ever. The Outsider was a source of your trauma and pain, so the son of Sparda was already uneasy about all the God’s actions in regards to you.

The Outsider clicked his tongue at Vergil’s firm intervention, pulling his arm back with the smirk replacing the look on his face.

“If you should fail,” He finally continued, keeping his stare on your blank face, “She will return to the Void from whence she came, memory erased so I can send her along on a new task without distraction. And you,” He tilted his gaze back, expression turning cold as he hissed, “Will be plunged into the Void, where you will suffer for every crime you have committed in your miserable existence.”

What?!

No no no.

He can’t take her, can’t erase her! He--

“Why her?!” Vergil protested, mind aligning with V again and taking on a hint of desperation, “Why punish her for my failings? She has a home in Fortuna, allow her to return to it and do what you will with me…!”

The Outsider clicked his tongue, shrugging off Vergil’s hand when it tried to grab his shoulder to hold him still, “She is not without fault--those trials will be accompanied by her, so you’ll do your best not to fail, won’t you?”

God damn it. God DAMN It.

If he couldn’t handle what the deity had in mind, you would be another person he could not protect, doomed to continue this endless cycle of pain that had consumed your life for so long. All the happiness you found, the family, the hope...all destroyed in an instant and leaving you back in that mindset you had in the beginning. He may have been deserving of punishment, but you...all that you had done was become a victim to the whims of others, and that was not fair. Not to you, not to the ones who loved you in Fortuna. He could accept his fate--he had spent time trapped before, in the body of Nelo Angelo and in hell. Blood was on his hands, all the humans lost in the city from his mistake of the Qliphoth tree.

The guilt from his long life of selfish actions had finally caught up with him--of fate decided he belonged in the darkness and cold for his foolish mistakes...then so be it.

He could swallow his own trauma and accept his fate. But yours...what else could he do? There was no refusing, and no way out. These were the whims of a God, one who could not and would not be challenged in his own domain. Vergil had to bite his tongue and steel himself to take on whatever this creature had planned. As long as he had the sword, he could fight until he was bleeding on the ground.

A son of Sparda would be damned before they bowed in submission to a being like this.

“So be it.” He replied, squeezing the hilt of the Yamato so hard his knuckles turned white and meeting the Outsider’s endless eyes. The resolve there seemed to please a God, earning Vergil a dark smile that spoke volumes of what was in store for him.

“Good luck, Vergil Sparda,” He replied in a low tone, his eyes flickering over to you as his body started to turn in to black crystal again, “I pray to the Void that, for her sake, you succeed in what I have in store for you.”

With that, he was gone. Disappearing into nothingness and leaving a heavy silence in his wake.

Read on AO3

Like what you see? Consider buying me a coffee

Tagged: @nightshadow4713 @silentwhispofhope @slightlylunatic @just-call-me-no-name @efiicitia @raven-huntress @shaelin444

[insfiringyou]

BTS - Explaining our headcanon masterlist / headcanon universe!!!

Our full masterlist can be found here

To read each member & their girlfriend’s headcanon universe fics in order, follow the links here: 

RM   /   Jin   /   Suga   /   J-Hope   /   Jimin   /   V   /   Jungkook

Find out more about the headcanon girlfriend, their visuals, hobbies, interests etc. here

As our more dedicated readers will have realised, although all of our fics and scenarios can be enjoyed by themselves, the majority of them are part of our headcanon universe. This basically means that instead of writing BTS’s girlfriends in a vague way, we imagine them as fully fleshed out characters of their own with their own timeline in terms of their relationship. 

We do not tend to write our scenarios in order which means that some of the fics which happen later on in a certain members relationship may be written earlier. We understand how super confusing this can be as a reader (hence this post). Even more confusing is when we write all member scenarios based on certain prompts, yet the timeline for each member is different. (For just one example, in the scenario ‘You ask them to make love to you’, Suga’s part takes place around 4 months into his relationship with Jeong-sun, but J-Hope’s part takes place 3 years after this as he has not yet met his girlfriend, Nana, when Suga’s scenario is written.) 

I will therefore attempt to list both our original characters below and list key scenarios within their relationship. This means some “all member” scenarios will be repeated, as each member’s timeline will be different (to find the relevant part, just go to the member you are looking for and read their part)

As we update our headcanon universe, I will also update this!!!

(We really hope this makes sense!!! If not, please message us and we will be super happy to clarify for you!)

Contains spoilers

Original Characters

Ji-eun - RM’s girlfriend.

Not to be confused with the singer IU who shares the same name. She is a solicitor who has been married and divorced prior to meeting Namjoon. She is older than him by several years. He meets her during a business party and have sex for the first time after several months of dating (here). They temporarily break up five months later during a boat party (here) and, following, Namjoon questions the number of men she has dated to the other members, inadvertently revealing the number of people the other members of BTS have slept with (here). He personally, reveals he has slept with 5. They do get back together two weeks later (here) and (as mentioned here during ‘The Play’) and he eventually begins spending more time at her apartment than his own. (the events of “making a sex/intimate tape” and “you ask them to make love to you” and “A late night conversation in bed with RM” take place around this time.) Ji-eun does become good friends with both Cassandra (RM’s girlfriend) and Min-seo (Jin’s girlfriend) and plans Min-seo’s bachelorette/hen party (here) during which time she gets a bit tipsy and reveals some information about her sex life. Ji-eun likewise warms to the other girlfriends, as shown at Jin and Min-seo’s wedding (here). Prior to RM entering the military, they go on a double date holiday with Jin and Min-seo to Cyprus (here) where Ji-eun and Namjoon make a sex tape to give something for her to remember him by when he enters the military. Although she finds it hard with Namjoon being away, he visits as often as he can (here), though the strain ultimately takes its toll on the pair. During his final vacation from service, Namjoon upsets Ji-eun during a sex act (here), though later apologises over a voicemail, explaining how down he has been without her and with the added pressure of his uncertain future with the group (here).

READ ALL OF RM AND JI-EUN’S SCENARIOS IN ORDER HERE

Min-seo - Jin’s girlfriend.

She is a Sales Assistant in a department store who studies Sociology at university. It is revealed in a later fic (here) that she met Jin when he came into her store to buy a suit for an award ceremony. She is several years younger than him and has never been intimate with anyone else. She loses her virginity to Jin after several months of dating (here) and often accompanies him to events and parties. She is familiar with Suga and RM’s girlfriend, having met them both at Supreme Boi’s boat party (here). Although she was upset to learn that Jin has dated more people in the past than she thought (5) (here), she realises that it doesn’t mean he loves her any less. She typically stays out of drama and plans on settling down and starting a family with Jin (as revealed here). Prior to dating Min-seo, Jin did have a one night stand with a woman he met at a wedding (here), but he wouldn’t feel the need to share this with Min-seo. After a year and a half of dating and a week after Min-seo graduates from university, Jin proposes to her (here.) Six months later, Jin and Min-seo celebrate their upcoming wedding with separate stag/hen (bachelor/bachelorette) parties that don’t go to according to plan (here). A week later, she marries Jin (here). Their honeymoon period is cut short, however, when 3 months later Jin is due to start his military duty. In an attempt to keep his new wife company during his time away, he buys her a puppy called Bomi (here). When Jin comes out of the military, he is upset to find that Min-seo’s sister has sold details of their marriage to a newspaper, causing a rift between their families and tensions with his wife. Min-seo is likewise upset and, on a double date holiday to Cyprus with Namjoon and Ji-eun, she falls ill (here). She finds she is pregnant shortly after and reveals to the other members during a group dinner (here). Shortly before giving birth, she makes up with her sister (here) and later is induced into labour since being overdue (here).

READ ALL OF JIN AND MIN-SEO’S SCENARIOS IN ORDER HERE

Jeong-sun - Suga’s girlfriend

She is a Pharmacy Assistant and is around the same age as Yoongi. Several years prior to dating Jeong-sun, Yoongi had a six month relationship with a white Korean girl who cheated on him (can be read here) & (Jeong-sun finds out about her here) and two weeks before meeting Jeong-sun, he has a one night stand with the singer Shin Suran (here). He meets Jeong-sun when they are paired together during a game of 7 Minutes in Heaven (here). Although they initially do not get on, they quickly realise there is sexual tension between them and Yoongi asks her on a date where they share a kiss (read here.) Things quickly escalate when he performs oral sex on her during the second date (found here). Things become more intimate a few weeks later when Jeong-sun invites Yoongi back to her apartment for the first time and he fingers her despite her being on her period (here). Later that night, Suga discovers her tattoos and she realises she really likes him (here). Despite being close from an early stage, they wait a month and a half before having sex (here). Their time together is brief, however, as he goes on a two month world tour after several months of dating. It is during this time that Jeong-sun realises that, despite herself, she has fallen in love with him (as hinted here). When he returns, they spend a week together in solitude before he is due away again. It is during this time he confesses that he loves her and she reveals she feels the same (here). Despite their intense feelings for one another, spending so much time apart begins to take its toll. Furthermore, their relationship is mostly a secret from their friends (as revealed in the boat party fic here) as they are very private about their personal lives. Jungkook does catch them kissing passionately in public (here) but does not reveal it to the rest of the group. 8 months into their relationship, Jeong-sun has a pregnancy scare and takes a test which turns out negative (read here). The strain of their relationship eventually becomes too much for them. In an attempt to save their increasingly fragile relationship, Yoongi proposes to Jeong-sun (here). She declines his offer and they do not see each other in person for over a month and half (as mentioned here when they have phone sex.) The strain of the relationship causes Jeong-sun to break up with Yoongi, despite the fact she loves him (can be read here - bring the tissues!). During their time apart, before Yoongi’s military enlistment Jeong-sun begins to date someone else (Yoongi discovers it here). Although Yoongi cannot bring himself to start a relationship with anyone else, during the band’s tour in England, he and Hoseok have a threesome with a stranger they meet at a bed and breakfast (this can be read here) & the following month he has a one night stand with an African-American woman he meets in a bar (here). A few weeks later, Yoongi receives his military enlistment letter and, later that day, sees Jeong-sun for the first time in 6 months at the supermarket. Although they exchange some small talk, Yoongi does not reveal his letter to her (can be read here.)  Three months following his military enlistment, Yoongi sees Jeong-sun at work (can be read here) and they agree to keep in contact. The following day, she calls him and they agree to go on a coffee date (can be read here.) However, their date has to be canceled when her boiler starts to leak. Yoongi manages to fix it and they almost kiss but the moment is lost. (here). The following week they finally go on their planned date and end up briefly holding hands. (here). A few days later, Yoongi visits her apartment late at night when he realises it is her thirtieth birthday. She reveals she has been feeling down recently due to her career and he ends up staying the night with her. Although nothing happens beyond cuddling, they do speak quite candidly about their past relationship and things becomes quite heated. In the morning, they finally kiss and after he leaves, Jeong-sun, in a moment of elation and emotion, sends him an explicit picture (can be read here). The following day, they meet for lunch and establish that they are willing to give their relationship another try. Although they do not feel ready to have sex again, they share an intimate bath together.  (read here). Two weeks later, they have sex again for the first time since their break up (here), though they both feel pressure for it to be perfect. The following morning, while having breakfast in bed, Yoongi admits that he would marry her ‘in an instant’ and they discuss meeting each other’s parents (here). After Hoseok is discharged from the military, Yoongi organises a group dinner and introduces Jeong-sun as his girlfriend. During the event, they both reveal they are still in love with each other (here). A few months later, Yoongi finally meets Jeong-sun’s dad and finds out more about her family during a trip to Gwangju where they go fishing together (here).

READ ALL OF SUGA AND JEONG-SUN’S SCENARIOS IN ORDER HERE

Nana - J-Hope’s girlfriend

Hoseok is one of the last members within the group to meet his OTP. He reveals prior to meeting her, to the other members, that he has slept with four other women (revealed here). During the 7 Minutes in Heaven party game at Supreme Boi’s house, the same occation when Yoongi meets his girlfriend Jeong-sun, Hoseok becomes friendly with the girl he has been paired with, Yu-jin, a friend of Jeong-sun (Suga’s girlfriend) (7 mins can be found here). Yu-jin is on the autistic spectrum and finds it difficult to meet new people, but she immediately takes a shine to Hoseok when he asks her on a date to the zoo. They continue to stay in touch but she eventually moves to China to become a Marine Biologist at Beijing zoo before any real feelings can develop between them (as revealed here.) (and also mentioned by Jeong-sun here.) Although Hoseok does have some sexual encounters, including him and Yoongi having a threesome with a woman they met while on tour in England (here), he is not serious about anyone during this time until he meets Nana after she has an accident and falls over in the park. He invites her back to his house to clean. They realise they like each other immediately and they have sex on the sofa (can be read here). Nana is a primary school teacher and around a year older than Hoseok. Although she likes him immediately, she does suspect he is cheating on her after around a month and half into the relationship when she reads a gossip article that confirms him to be dating his stylist. J-Hope, upset to see her reaction, reassures her this is not the case (can be read here). Nana warms to the other member’s girlfriends at Jin’s wedding (here), though their time together is cut short when Hoseok enters the military. During this time, she becomes closer to the other girlfriends. Hoseok books a short vacation from his service to visit Nana, though their time is interrupted by V’s girlfriend, Cassandra, who needs a place to stay following a big argument with her boyfriend (here). Later, Hoseok is discarged from the military and a reunion dinner is organised by Yoongi for him (here). A few months later, Hoseok and Nana make the decision to move in together and possibly adopt her elderly neighbours dog (here).

READ ALL OF J-HOPE AND NANA’S SCENARIOS IN ORDER HERE

Angel - Jimin’s first girlfriend 

Despite being a bit of a womaniser, Jimin reveals to the other members that he has only slept with three women (here). He does have an ongoing sexual fling with Angel, a university friend of Jeong-sun (Suga’s girlfriend) and the hostess of the 7 Minutes in Heaven party (here). Following the party, Angel gives Jimin a blowjob and, a few months later, they finally have sex during Supreme Boi’s boat party (as mentioned here from the POV of other people) and here from Angel and Jimin’s perspective. Although Angel studied Philosophy at university with Jeong-sun, they are not especially close friends, with Jeong-sun often going to events with her out of habit more than real friendship. Jimin has another sexual encounter with Angel when they bump into each other as the theatre (here), and he later asks her to be his girlfriend (during phone sex here). They go on several dates including shopping for sex toys (here) and one which the other members tease him about (here) but it does not last long. They break up at a party when Angel goes off with Supreme Boi and Jimin meets another girl, Ara, (here). 

Ara - Jimin’s second girlfriend

After confirming that he and Angel are truly over, he asks Ara on a date to the beach (here). After several months of dating, Ara loses her virginity to him (here). Although they have a good relationship, Ara does occasionally become quite jealous when other women flirt with Jimin (as can be seen here). She also maintains a good friendship with the other member’s girlfriends (as can be seen when she attends Jin’s wedding here), particularly Cassandra who she knows from singing lessons. After dating for a year, Jimin and Ara decide to move in together, but the experience is bittersweet as it reminds Ara that her mother, who she lost when she was a teenager, is not around to see her happy (here). Jimin encourages Ara to pursue a career as an Idol, believing it is what she wants, and he uses his influence to get her an audition for a girl group (here). Despite not being a natural dancer, Ara’s connection with Jimin ensures she debuts early, starting in Japan (here), however her first album with the group also does well in Korea (here).

READ ALL OF JIMIN AND ANGEL & ARA’S SCENARIOS IN ORDER HERE

Cassandra - V’s girlfriend

Unlike the other member’s girlfriends, Cassandra is only half-Korean. Her mother is from Belgium. She is one year older than Taehyung, a Fine Art student and a stage actress. Taehyung first sees her during a performance of ‘A Midsummer Night’s Dream’ where she plays Titania, Queen of the Fairies (as is mentioned in later fics). They have sex after three months of ‘dating’, although Cassandra was initially unsure of whether they were indeed officially an item as Taehyung never confirmed this (this can be read here). Including Cassandra, Taehyung reveals to the other members he has only slept with three women (here). Cassandra feels insecure when she meets one of the women he previously had a ‘fling’ with during college (here). The other members’ opinion on her is mixed. While they support her as an actress, they feel slightly intimated by her due to how controversial her roles are. She is the centre of our fic ‘The Play’ here. She does become quite friendly with the other member’s girlfriends, particularly Ji-eun and Min-seo and helps to plan the latter’s hen/bachelorette party (here). Despite being a fairly turbulent couple, they always tend to resolve any arguments. Their relationship begins to take a bad turn, however, when Taehyung sells his apartment to move in with her, something which she believes he should not have done. They end up pushing each other to their sexual limits, such as when Taehyung asks her to have sex with one of her colleagues, while he watches (here). Three months before Taehyung’s military enlistment, a sexual roleplay where they play Cleopatra and Ceasar ends in disaster when Taehyung gets too in character and ignores Cassandra’s uncomfortable body language. She is forced to use her safeword when he starts to choke her and she leaves the apartment in tears, heading to see Nana. (read here). At Nana’s apartment, Cassandra confirms she is planning on breaking up with Taehyung and has a heated argument with him on the phone where she threatens to phone the police and take out a restraining order against him. Despite himself, Taehying shows up at Nana’s apartment that night and, finding Cassandra to be asleep, gives Nana her house keys, promising he will move out. (here). A few months later, Taehyung sends Cassandra flowers to her dressing room, as he did on the day they first met with a note telling her that he will be enlisting shortly. Cassandra goes to Jimin’s apartment, where Taehyung has been staying since she asked him to leave, in order to gain some closure on their relationship before he enlists. She confirms that she is ending their relationship, though they end up having unprotected sex (here). Despite agreeing to keep in touch once he starts his service, she does not return his calls or letters (here), prompting him to beg her friends to tell him news of how she is (here). 7 months into his service, Ji-eun tells him that Cassandra is back in Seoul and pregnant. He rushes to her apartment, using holiday time from service, and discovers this is true and that the baby is his (here). Despite the shock of the situation, a few days later they both agree to raise the child together, despite being romantically seperated (here).

READ ALL OF V AND CASSANDRA’S SCENARIOS IN ORDER HERE

Jia - Jungkook’s FIRST girlfriend

Jia, who is a year younger than Jungkook, is his first ever girlfriend. He believes himself to be in love with her and they lose their virginity to each other. Despite getting off to a good start, their relationship is soon revealed to be very unstable. Jia is quite emotionally manipulative towards Jungkook and often behaves in coercive manners when things do not go her way (here she makes him feel guilty for not being able to get an erection) and (here she deliberately pretends that he hurt her during sex to make him feel bad). After they are photographed together by the paparazzi, Jungkook realises his relationship is naturally drawing to a close (here). Following a big argument where he learns she has blocked his band mate's numbers, he breaks up with her (found here.) Some months later, he has a brief sexual encounter with his ultimate crush, the singer IU when they become trapped in an elevator together (here). The encounter cures him of his fascination with her and allows him to move on. He has a one night stand with an older woman who he later realises was a single mother (can be read here) and has a brief sexual encounter with Seo-yon during the 7 Minutes in Heaven party (here). She is a friend of Angel (Jimin’s fling) and a casual acquaintance of Jeong-sun (Suga’s girlfriend).

Young-soon - Jungkook’s SECOND girlfriend

Some months after the encounter at the 7 Minutes in Heaven party, Jungkook meets Young-soon, an administration assistant from a PR company who is six years older than him. He asks her on a date to a funfair and, although she initially believes him to be too young for her, she finds herself ridiculously attracted to him after he saves her from being mugged. They end up having sex that evening (here) and, a week later, she implies she would like him to be her boyfriend (here). Although the other members sometimes make fun of him becoming too domesticated due to her being older than him (as mentioned in the boat party fic here) and (’The Play’ fic here) he falls in love with her quickly. She does occasionally feel insecure about some of his crazier fans such as Seo-yon (here), but he always reassures her. She also finds that she has a suspicion of how unhealthy his last relationship was with Jia. Although he never speaks a bad word about his ex-girlfriend, it becomes increasingly apparent that things were not all well (here). After four months, he meets her parents (here) who greet him warmly. It is during this time, he realises he is in love with her, which he confesses to her a few weeks later, with her revealing she also feels the same. (here). Despite this, he does find himself in certain sticky situations, such as when he accidentally sees RM’s girlfriend naked on webcam (here). Around 7 months into his relationship, Jungkook drunkenly cheats on Young-soon with a stranger he meets at a party (read here.) A few days later, Young-soon finds out when she realises Jungkook had caught an infection from the stranger (read here) and, despite being heartbroken by his betrayal, helps him by buying a chlamydia test. A few weeks later, she calls him and reveals she needs time to think through the relationship (here). Over the following months, they slowly become close again when her car ends up needing repairing and he offers to drive her to work each morning (here). They end up having sex again, and, at Jin’s wedding, she confesses that she wants to one day marry him (here). A year later, her father suffers a stroke which leaves him hospitalised. Jungkook and Young-soon decide to move to Incheon together in order to be closer to her family (here).

READ ALL OF JUNGKOOK AND JIA & YOUNG-SOON’S SCENARIOS IN ORDER HERE

Other characters

Donghyuk - aka Supreme Boi. Almost a member of BTS and music producer. Mentioned in several fics as a casual friend of the members of BTS and Angel.

Ji-young - A friend of Angel and Seo-yon known for her orange hair (as included in the Boat Party fic)

We really hope this has helped clear things up a little! We will permanently link this on our MASTERLIST page and keep updating as we add new headcanon scenarios. Thanks for reading and for the continued love and support!!! <3

Remember, we can also be found on Ao3 here

You can support us by buying admins a coffee here (if you wish). :)

(Photo credit goes to http://bangtan-sonyeon-scans.tumblr.com/)

[lorewytch]

A 80′s Gushing Rant

Sorry I just spammed everyone with 80s cartoons XD (Well.. sorry, not sorry?) As a child born in the 80s, I have a special attachment to these cartoons. I mean doesn’t everyone? Nostalgia sells for a reason after all. We all at least have one fond memory of one cartoon or TV show or book that touched us. I was born a only child so often I only could play with myself. I was shy and much different than my other classmates. I was awkward a lot and often did my own thing. But one thing I loved was my parents giving me VHS’ to play which I would watch over and over until the tapes warped. I had many favorites over the years. And the 80s and early 90s were a peek time for several different companies to open their doors and unleash a barrage of toys, videos and books at young kids. I of course loved the popular shows. Shows like TMNT, Tiny Toons, Care Bears, My Little Pony, etc. I had a special spot in my heart for them all. But there were a few that were widely unknown. Most of these were popular but only really had one animated episode created. I kinda just wanted to gush about them a bit. Because these were underrated and I felt needed more recognition. A few of these did have a few episodes out on VHS but most only had one or two episodes. Some you may recognize, some not. Granted I didn’t watch everything that aired in the late 80s and early 90s. But these are some I just remembered.

Rose Petal Place

This one had only one episode, several dolls and apparently a board game XD. Rose Petal Place was about a group of flowers. They were given life when a little girl cried over them, wishing to stay with her flower garden forever. But the family was forced to move and she had to leave her poor garden behind. The magic behind those tears transformed the flowers into real magical beings whose sole duty it was to protect the garden per the young girls wishes. Rose’s voice is the only thing that can keep the flowers blooming in the garden. Her singing brings life back and her spunky and upbeat personality kept me intrigued as a child. I loved girl heroes fighting bad guys as a child. It inspired me and showed me I could be as strong as her. Rose never backed down even when her voice was stolen from her by Nastina the classic spider villain in the series. She still tried to sing even without her voice. One of the very first lines we hear from Rose Petal perfectly defines what kind of character she is. Nastina: Rose Petal. You think you can restore the rose garden with your singing? Rose Petal: You know I can. (hands on hips) She was pretty classy too for a cartoon character. I loved her voice and singing was very on point. The episode itself was rather cliche and dated by todays standards. But the voice acting I felt was mostly on point. It did struggle a bit, but it kept it entertaining even as I watched it a few months ago. Sadly it didn’t really define the characters all that well. But I think given the chance it could have been a nice series. Maybe even with more colorful villains. It was very similar to Strawberry Shortcake and Rainbow Brite. I think also with the limited setting and semi unbelievable background story was probably a few of the reasons it didn’t do so well. However, the character designs were pretty cute and I loved the creative concept. “Friends, would you like to be friends? Would you like to share the day with me? We can be anything we want to be!” -Rose Petal  Pound Puppies (1980s)

Okay this one is a bit more popular than the others on this list. But honestly, I forgot about it until recently. The series itself is nice, but the one thing I remembered most about it was the movie.

I think the best part of it was the music. While some songs were meh, Songs like “All In your Mind” and “At the Pound” were pretty good and I found myself singing along. Also it was pretty dark for a kids movie. If you really think about it, the villain was creepy and him turning those puppies into those vicious dogs reminded me a bit of dog fighting and how people turned dogs into killing machines. Plus the background design on these were pretty impressive as well. At least for me anyways. This is really all subjective anyways. But I liked the concept. Who wouldn’t love singing Dogs and cats going on adventures? XD But I feel like a lot of that vanished in the TV series. I got to say I don’t remember the TV series that well. And while it was popular, I think if you think of the 80s cartoons, this one takes a while to come up. It’s not forgotten totally but its not one of the first ones you remember. I certainly didn’t. I remembered the movie more than the TV show. But I also think it was a important show/movie. Because it was the show to bring more awareness about Pounds and shelters. Adopting kitties and dogs from shelters seems common now. But it wasn’t so back then. And a lot of animals were treated very badly at these places. I feel like this had more promise. And I’ll always remember Cooler and his gang from back then. The voice acting was meh most of the time. But some of the characters were pretty interesting and I loved the movie. Also, can I say I love the whole 50s/60′s theme they got going on?! Poodle skirts! YES!

Lady Lovely Locks

Okay for this one, I only remember two episodes in particular off the top of my head. The Dragon Tree, which I loved because of the creative way dragons were born in this world. (Born from flowers the dragon tree bore) and the cute little baby dragons that emerged from them. Plus you got to see Lady Lovely Locks in black of all colors. The second episode being the first one. We get to see first hand at how Lady Lovely Locks can make her kingdom beautiful. Its literally in her hair. Magical girl hair. She was also rocking colored hair before it was popular. The voice acting can be cringe worthy and there’s not much music in this series, which is probably why it never got SUPER popular. It was semi known enough. Again, not one of the first ones I would think of. But I loved the character designs. I think in the 80s there were a lot of creative people wanting to create new and prettier dolls that stood out in one way or another to sell the toys to girls. But the world itself was very creative too and I appreciated that. So yeah the writing and stories kind of fell flat, especially by today’s standards.

But it was a series that doesn’t get nearly enough credit. It was one of the first American magical girls we had really. Lady Lovely Locks was a lady true to every word and not afraid to get her hands dirty to stop Ravenwaves. Also those Pixie Tails were so cute! Peppermint Rose

“Listen... to the legend... of Peppermint Rose...” Can I just say how much love I have to this lesser known cartoon girl? Okay, I admit, this girl at the beginning of her one episode debut was a bit of a brat. Hey they even admit it in the cartoon! Rose is the typical spoiled teen. She has a bit of a attitude problem and is more the hesitant hero than anything. But she has personality!

The writing on this episode is some of the better writing I feel on this list. Not to mention the music in this animated episode was pretty, flowery and I fell in love with many of the lyrics. Here’s the title song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bEy536JeVEc “ Sunshine, Rainbows A breeze that gently blows A garden filled with magic The home of Peppermint Rose Daydreams, Laughter A sweet and Fragrant Glow As Four enchanted Maidens Help their gardens grow. There’s lemon Drop Lily So pretty and frilly Miss Vanilla Daisy Kind of Cute And kind of crazy And Dreaming ‘neath a sky of blue Merry Mint Violet dreams here too Someone Special And so the story goes A rose whose a rose Who’s much more than a rose And we call her Peppermint Rose Listen to the Legend Of Peppermint Rose..” Yeah no I had that stuck in my head for weeks.. couldn’t get it out. Despite Rose’s sour personality, she manages to cross a dangerous river, out wit the Bubba Beetle and magically sing the evil Queen turning her good as well as her henchmen because.. y’know...magic! XDDD The ending did seem rushed and the bad guys were very typical bad guys of the time. But I loved that Rose had a lot of negative traits. It goes to show people can change and her transformation into Peppermint Rose only proved that she could be stronger, braver and kinder. I admit the story does not age well. But I loved the music and character designs of them all. The story was also very cute. This was a decent cartoon for the time honestly and I was sad that there was only one episode of this. It had potential to be more. Again, another one like Rainbow Brite. “What’s that Smell?” “Begonia!”

Now I didn’t put Strawberry Shortcake, Rainbow Brite, Jem and the Holograms or any of the other more popular 80s cartoons here because while I did love them to death.. this list is for lesser known cartoons that others may not be familiar with. Granted the 80s and 90s were quite the decades themselves with a ton of cartoons. Both good and ehhh. But these always stuck out to me as a kid. Yes, I was a very girly girl. Still am in a few aspects. But each of these had something I appreciated and carried with me. And all had really cool designs for characters. I just wanted to show how much I appreciated them even as a adult. Even if they are dated and slightly cringe worthy today. I just appreciated the magic they brought with them, the music and the characters. I would love to see great remakes of any one of these. (The new pound puppies is kind of meh to me honestly) But I’d also love a great revival of Rainbow Brite and Jem and the Holograms too. Sorry this got so long. Whew... I think I will wrap this up. If I think of any more I may post something separate. Now remember, keep singing to bring life to those around you, never lose your bone of scone, let down your hair and let it shine and remember this beyond all else: A rose, whose a rose, who’s much more than a rose... And we call her.. Peppermint Rose.

[vesperione]

Please Read This Before Commenting

So, as you can tell, already, this post will not mention TGWDLM until the very end. If some of you are unaware, I headcanon Paul as having Autism. Yes, autism, a very “scary illness caused by vaccinations.” Well, a couple of days ago I got someone commenting “HOW CAN YOU ROLEPLAY SOMEONE NOT ORIGINALLY AUTISTIC, LIKE HOW?” And it really hurt me!  So I posted it on my instagram story (y’all on tumblr its @robertstanion) and I got an overwhelming amount of support. Except one person, who claimed the question was valid. So I told this person that the title of the post clearly includes the word HEADCANON in it, needless to say they are both blocked (to see this post, it’s TGWDLM Headcanons Part 2 and it’s the very first headcanon mentioned that has driven me to write this post) Now. As I’ve already mentioned autism is “a scary illness that is caused by vaccinations.” Well here’s something for you. I’m happily vaccinated and autistic. That’s fucking right, I’m autistic! More specifically, I have Aspergers/Asperger Syndrome. Now here’s the reason I’ve written this post. I would like my currently 351 fans on insta and my 21 fans on tumblr to see how I truly feel. So welcome, here’s an insight of my life. Also, if you want to take this to my dms, feel free, I’ve got over 300 fans I won’t mind losing a few. I’m also writing from experience. 

-

Aspergers! What the fuck is that? Well, it’s one of the most common types of autism. Essentially, autism is a disability and a collective term. My type of autism falls underneath that umbrella term. So, Aspergers. What is that? yes I’ve repeated myself, and that is something common with me. I repeat myself and I stutter, I stumble and I slur. I am one of the gobbiest people you will ever meet with a high profanity and if you couldn’t tell, pretty much every single one of these posts on here and insta have a curse/swear word in it. INCLUDING THIS ONE! Common symptoms are that we have trouble filtering jokes from insults, filtering sarcasm and we take it the wrong way a hella lot. Um, we’re also sensitive to loud sounds and bright lights. And the big one, CHANGE IN ROUTINE! This was when I had to move to high school I was so scared because I am now the only person from that asshole school at my current high school which is brilliant by the way. So yeah, back to primary, this isn’t an exaggeration, I was bullied and I had no friends. Not even joking. Also year 1 (age 5-6) y’all are talking to the lass who threw not 1, not 2 but SEVERAL chairs at the head of the school when I W A S 5. that was also when my mom worked at the school. So anyways, this event occurred a few months after I was diagnosed with Aspergers. I was 4 and like 3/4 when I was diagnosed, And I’ve had this condition for 9 years so I’m pretty experienced. I’ve had it all my life. Wanna know where the signs started? When I was a baby. Common forms of autism also include late development and toilet training. My first word was triangle (i’m a part of the illuminati shhhh) or dad, but I have an ok relationship with my dad, but I prefer to have it known as triangle. Throughout first school I struggled, every day I would have a meltdown. I flat out refused to do the work! These meltdowns consisted of my folding my arms, putting my head down on the table and I just cried. Can’t remember why but I did. And when it was the end of the lesson, I would get up and go to break. I wasn’t punished! Year 7, I refused to do something in drama (I was very self conscious and still am and hate performing in front of groups of people) and I just froze on the spot. Wouldn’t move. So my then-drama teacher took me out and I wouldn’t talk to her. And then we went to student services and they sat me down in Miss Q.s office (Miss Q is such a lad, her and miss BE have been with me since day 1.) Luckily, the only TA i could talk to at my previous school moved up with me and I told her everything. Year 8 I only had 1 meltdown. Year 9,  I’VE HAD NONE MOTHERFUCKERS! Well I kind of did in Maths a week ago becauseIstillfeellikeeveryonehatesme- BUT ANYWAYS i’m ok now. So, me, what comes with Aspergers, here’s what!

-

It is extremely common for people with autism to have depression and anxiety. In fact aspergers is actually an anxiety disorder. This prevents me from being in large crowds for large periods of time because of the noISE and I’m claustraphobic. So, anxiety. It’s common. Now imagine having a panic attack before you go to sleep. Literally as you shut your eyes. If you can’t here’s what it feels like. The room is dark, the only light is usually from the streetlights and occasionally car headlights, but it’s just gone midnight and the streetlights have turned off. The only light now is from your phone. Your eyelids are about to shut so you put your meditation music on to sleep with. You put your phone behind your third pillow exactly and shut your eyes. Suddenly, your breathe gets shallow and your heartrate goes up. A familiar feeling of nausea creeps around the corner immediately making you reach for your water bottle. That’s how it is for me, every night. Now, nausea. I’m emetephobic. Having emetephobia ruins my life. Emetephobia is the phobia for vomit. I can barely even say it out loud so me typing that certain “v” word is huge. This prevents me from watching TV shows and films, even certain music videos, because in case somebody just happens to throw up. Now the last time I threw up was my 8th birthday and I live in fear every day. Just a few weeks ago, this bug had spread to my school and someone legit ONLY HAD TO WALK 4 MORE STEPS TO THE BATHROOM but threw up OUTSIDE THE BATHROOM i mean dude. logic. and as soon as we were told, I was not the same for the last half hour of last period. I probably ingested more perfume that week than I ever have. So. On the topic of phobias, here are some I have:

Emetephobia: vomit Lepidopterophobia: Butterflies & moths (as long as I’m at a distance I’m fine) Arachnophobia: spiders excluding tarantulas they’re cool. 

They’re the main ones. 

-

Now, this part is digusting, feel free to skip. This is something that I’ve only told 6 people. I have a condition called Paralysed Bowel Syndrome. I’ve only met 2 other people with it. PBS legit makes this person SHIT THEMSELF. I was really ill before Christmas and early Jan. Christmas, I couldn’t move I was in agony (i almost threw up thrice that week I was so scared) and in Jan my body just kept trying to make me shit but my brain didn’t want me to. I have these things called ‘Moments’ where my brain literally stops me from shitting and this usually results in me wearing pads I didn’t have a period in February because my stomach’s so messed up. What happens in the end is I legit shit out this massive lump of...welll....shit. And my mum weighs it evERY FUCKING TIME! The day I got better this year was 07.02, my sister’s birthday. To put in  comparison what happened, I got half a bag of sugar lighter that day. But no, this condition sounds stupid but it makes me really ill and I have to take this disgusting medicine when I get bad. There is no cure. 

-

So, that’s me and why those two people really hurt me. But did you know these people also had aspergers?: Obama has a very mild case Albert Einstein Anne Hegerty (was on 2018 I’m A Celeb, British, google her) Chris Packham (ONE OF MY IDOLS-) Susan Boyle Tim Burton (who is born 6 days after me-) -

But also, people with Aspergers need something to live for. In my case, there are several things including Brooklyn Nine Nine, Musicals (specifically TGWDLM) Panic! At The Disco, Starkid, The Vamps, Backstreet Boys, Stephanie Beatriz, Fanfiction, Instagram and memes. This is why people with autism, when they love something, NEVER SHUT UP ABOUT IT (lowkey one of my best friends and exs is obsessed with sonic the hedgehog and he’s on the spectrum. May or may not have succeeded in getting said friend into Hamilton-) SO yeah! This is why you shouldn’t come to my page and start spreading your shit about this condition I’ve grown to love, hate and understand. Any negative comment makes me feel even worse about myself than I already do, that’s why I took a 3 month break from ao3 because one of my books got so much criticism that I had to take it down and it really upset me. So I beg you, give me advice, tell me if there are certain mistakes but do NOT insult me or aspergers syndrome. Thankyou, J

[toboldlyblahblahblah]

Your gifs are beautiful and so clear! Have you ever done a tutorial on how you get them so flawless and well lit? Like esp DS9 and TNG gifsets! I love your work so much!

 @maylovelies

Wow! Okay, for starters: Thank you so much! I really, REALLY appreciate the kind words and the time you took to send this! I really enjoy making gif sets and I’m always so glad to hear that people like how I edit mine. 

To answer your question, yes, I have made a tutorial post in the past, but the method I used back then I’ve strayed from a bit, recently. Some of it I still use, but in reference to lighting and getting them to look a little more high quality, there are some other techniques I’ve been working with lately and really enjoying the results…

I can walk you through with a new example. 

Here’s a quick gif from a scene of DS9:

and I’ll do a rundown on how I got it to look like this:

Going to put the rest of this below the cut, though, because it’s significantly longer than my last tutorial-based answer…

So! One trick is to not be afraid to stack up a few adjustment layers of the same variety, sometimes even duplicates of the exact same layer, on top of each other. The reason I do this is because wild adjustments on a single adjustment layer are a lot less controlled and will often effect the wrong parts of the scene’s lighting (by that I mostly mean shadows v highlights).

I edit for light first, personally. Here’s where I am after doing those corrections

Already looking a lot better and clearer. This was done using three adjustment layers.

The curves layer is just a basic “lighter” preset that you can find from the drop down menu once you open a new curves layer

The levels layer I start by using the preset “lighten shadows”

at that point the image looks very washed out and grainy

(still image)

so from there i just messed with the layer a bit until I liked it a little more, added some contrast and adjusted the distribution of light, etc.

which got the image looking like this

(still image)

But I still thought that looked kind of washed out and flat, so, lastly, I added a completely custom exposure adjustment layer where I pushed up the gamma correction and exposure settings (you can also push the offset into the negative to get a secondary effect similar to gamma correction, but it’s very harsh and temperamental, at times. I wouldn’t recommend it for first-time use) 

that gets us back to this lightness corrected gifset, which I’ll post again now

You can actually get a similar look by using just curves adjustments and their presets. Here’s what happens if you take three (3) layers with the same curves “lighter” preset (see above) and then one (1) curves layer with the “medium contrast” preset.

and the results are pretty similar

Each technique lends itself better to different scenes. And obviously with either method (or a combination of both as tends to be the case on super dark scenes - cough, mirror-universe episodes, cough) you can customize a lot from these presets to get the desired effect. They just give you a good jumping-off point…

Now the first thing I always notice about adding brightness to these scenes is that the tones get very warm and muddy, so from there I usually like to color correct next. 

I like to bump my vibrance and saturation sliders up before color correcting, but I know a lot of people do it after. That’s really just a matter of personal preference. 

There are a handful of ways to color correct, and, just like with the lighting methods above, I tend to mix and match the various adjustment layers. I’ll use Color Balance (as illustrated in my previous tutorial) and I’ll also now use Hue/Saturation layers and Selective Colors layers. 

Honestly, color correcting / color grading alone could be its own tutorial so I won’t go very in-depth on that here. But just play around with the settings and find a method that works for you. (If you feel like you’d want a specific run through on that, just shoot me an ask and I can cover it some other time in more detail.) 

My one recommendation to help you avoid the big rookie mistake I made when I first started doing this is that with the hue/saturation layers, never use the Master slider option; instead, click the drop down menu and work on each color individually. 

So here’s where we’re at once I bumped up the saturation and then did my color corrected. 

You may notice how sometimes color correction darkens an image and undoes some of the work you did earlier (in my experience, this usually happens when you have to add a lot of blue in the color balance layer) You’ve got two options here. Either go back in to the previous brightness adjustment layers and lighten up some of the contrasts, or put a new layer over top of latest color edits to add brightness back in over top. Again, this comes down to personal preference. Experiment with either version and do whichever works best for you. 

Here’s after I brightened it back up a little again. 

Subtle difference, but it’s how I prefer it for this scene. Plenty of times scenes don’t end up needing it at all.

So the gif is looking pretty solid from there. In some cases, I’d actually stop right here and just add the quote text to the bottom and call it a day. But if you really want to make it look HQ, there’s a few additional steps…

Firstly, it helps to keep the images smaller (a retread of something I said in that other tutorial too, I believe) but after that, there’s a way to sharpen all the layers and frames at once while also reducing “noise,” both of which improve the quality of a gif. 

To do that, take your frames timeline at the bottom of photoshop and click the little icon that looks sort of like a funnel going through a bar graph… 

If you have history window open, it’ll say “Convert to Timeline” after you’ve done this, and instead of frames you’ll see a bunch of short purple lines instead of the gif’s individual frames. Don’t panic! That’s supposed to happen. 

From this point, go to your layers window and select all of the layers that are frames of your gifs, which you can do by clicking the first layer - holding shift - then scrolling up to click the final layer - then releasing shift. They should all have the little eyeball icon on next to them, indicating that they’re all active. Then, right click the top layer and from the pop-up menu click “convert to smart object”

When you do this, all of the layers compress into one Smart Object with the name of the top layer. 

Again, don’t panic!, you didn’t lose the other layers they’re just now all going to be affected by the sharpen filter instead of having to be edited one at a time.

Now, go to the top ribbon in Photoshop and in the drop down menus, go “Filter” > “Sharpen” > “Smart Sharpen…” and click that. 

A little window will pop up that gives you a preview of how this filter will impact your image. 

**notice that the smart sharpen preview does not show color and lighting corrections; that’s fine & because we are not applying this smart filter to any of our adjustment layers.

And what you do from here is again a matter of personal preference. Raise the sharpening amount too much and the image starts to look crinkly, have the noise reduction too high and all the detail gets smudged away. 

Here’s an example of what happens if youwere to crank both the sharpness and the noise reduction all the way up:

(still image)

And I guess there’s maybe a place and time where something with this aesthetic would work for a particular scene or edit, but generally, I like to keep the settings pretty low. Sometimes, less really is more…

For a 268x200px gif of an 80′s or 90′s Trek show, I keep Reduce Noise at 10% and have the sharpening anywhere from like 85-150, depending on how much I’ve cropped in on the original camera crop. But for this gif, where I didn’t zoom in very much at all and pretty much kept it how the original videography framed her, keeping it around 95-115 works nicely. 

When you’re done, click OK. 

Now that Smart Object looks like this

And that’s pretty much it! Now, when you export your gif from Photoshop, it’ll look something like this:

The one thing you have to remember about this technique (and this is something that still trips me up from time to time, myself) is that when you export, it doesn’t automatically set the gif to loop forever. Instead, it’s set to “Once.” To fix that, when you click through “Export” > “Save to Web (Legacy)” and the Web window pops up, go to the bottom right corner and above the “Save” button there’s a drop down menu in the “Animation” section. Click there and switch from Once to Forever. 

And there you have it! Start to finish, that’s how I make my HQ gif sets!

I know it seems like a ton of work for one lousy gif and super overwhelming at first and hard to remember, but once you get into the swing of things it all becomes very second nature.

So thanks for asking and thanks for reading. Hopefully this was helpful, please let me know if you got anything out of it. 

And, of course, feel free to reach out with any other questions or requests. I’ll always try to do the best I can and answer. ♥

[boglog]

HoC Onion !

[TW mention of sexual abuse/violence]

I’m foregoing the pros/cons format here but generally-speaking my negative points are still gathered at the top w the highlights near the end.

Obviously, between letting a sex offender have a platform in mass media and potholes, I’d choose the latter. My below crits absolutely are not a demand for Spacey to be brought back and he can die in a fire for all i care. I just wish his character’s absence was not the nº1 reason for this season not making any sense

as far as i can gather, this season’s primary arc is as much about Frank’s death (in lieu of Doug’s) as it is Claire’s emotional and political divorce from Frank while she undergoes your traditional postbreakup analysis of who she was pre Frank and post Frank and were Frank actually there this idea might have legs

...but instead we have Doug ://

the level of intensity that the plot demands cannot be carried by forcing Doug into being a deeper character than he was intended, all the way until the end, he truly just reads as either a pitiful sadist or a henchman. It’s disharmonious and dangerously close to bad. 

Frances Underwood makes more sense if Frank dies in episode 8!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She’s literally going to be his reincarnation!!!!!!!

literally...who cares if Doug gets stabbed by Frank’s letter opener? whomst?

Doug can’t be Frank’s proxy, but sans a certain pedoph*le, the plot will just have to suffer. 

Other side effects of Doug’s undeserved promotion include but are not limited to: 

forcing Doug to share the role of antagonist with the Shepards, yet another New Villain © that feels totally unnecessary and confusing (the Conways at least got two seasons)

Frank’s diary feels forced and out of character for someone decidedly so unsentimental  

How does Claire have a bun in the oven when she clearly didnt sleep with Frank for all of season 5 and locked herself in her room while he was being assassinated? How is a Dramatic paternity test not going to be insisted upon in the show’s universe?

fixation on Frank’s will as a McGuffin is really... I don't know boring considering no one cares for the guy? What property of his does claire stand to lose? I’m sure the rich people fandom can speculate but i honestly needed this manifested in the show via some examples instead of the grand abstraction that is The Will bc losing Frank’s assets would set Claire back but it would not directly threaten her presidency. Not to mention that i’m not entirely sure Frank’d have Doug of all people as his sole heir if it didn't serve as revenge against Claire, which just lowers Doug’s importantance even more

Frank never cared for Doug, a largely unlikeable character, which we already knew from the beginning, so Doug’s entire arc is pathetic at best as well as his tangential inclusion in the Cliare v Frank arc

My major problems with Doug’s character began as early as season 4. 

Did not understand why they didn't actually have Doug switch sides by joining the Dunbar campaign in earnest in season 4. Like... it’s such an obvious opportunity to Thicken The Plot © that it’s reached this gif levels of dropping the ball:

P much everything about Doug’s character since then is just so.... lacking, while for the last few seasons they give him depth when he magically has empathy for one (1) woman before she dies (possibly as a direct result of his actions). This entire plot about him evaluating why he was so loyal to Frank could've been unpacked whilst he avoids Dunbar finding out about the murders he did commit. I’d rather him having agency than be a flat, troubled underling.

Aright I'm going to stop complaining about Doug. In season 3 and 4, his insecurity over being replaced and his sacrifices for Frank (and subsequent guilt) came close to giving us a real Moment with him as we delve more into how colourless his life outside of work really is. But beyond that, when his character started getting repetitive, there’s very little to compensate for his alternating acts of extreme narcissism/violence versus his childish confusion / self pity when he doesn’t get what he wants.

Anyways I'm basically at a point where I’d be okay if Frank’s long-lost cousin replaced Doug replacing Frank 

I’m appreciating the writers’ distinct refrain from plot formats and that the seasons progressively move towards the Underwoods but what if just for circularity and added balance we return to having a full-on reporter B plot in s6? More emphasis on Janine and Tom’s sleuthing, culminating in Tom’s assassination and Janine publishing the tell-all expose against Frank---including a reference to Zoe---that becomes the magnum opus of her career (and Claire using that against Frank). I just think the season needed more balance that Doug, the Shepards and Tom were not offering 

The Shepards and Tom, meanwhile, are decidedly banal. First of all, I had a hard time even telling Bill and Tom apart esp given that they were introduced one after the other. All white guys are the same.

Bill just kind of sits around until he has a platform to reference his favourite action movies doesn't he?

Moreover what does Tom do!? he doesn't want power, he doesnt seem to want anything. He’s just kind of there?

Unlike the Conways, the Shepards don’t have a clear goal and are not often in direct conflict with Claire the way Frank and Conway were. They want to control the presidency for money and Claire is always bouncing back from reliving her girlhood to political rivalry w Anette, yes, but what does that mean? What are the consequences? The logistics are so indirect and complicated, what precisely does Anette want? And why does anyone care? The Shepards are extremely boring.

Frank’s asides were purple and long af so I appreciate Claire’s succinct style not to mention her fantastic screen presence. I’m left to wonder, though, if maybe hers and every other aside in HoC is a little too on the nose. Like, they didn't hafta spell it out that the bird in the wall was a representation of Frank’s shadow trapping her, I think we got that 

The artistic intercuts to Claire’s troubled childhood wherein a group of bullies coerce her into stripping naked through the forest, while visually stunning and clever for its self-explanatory nature, feel really passive. They don't visually show us any reason for her not to resist, the bullies even let her keep her clothes after cutting them off her so we’re left to wonder why she does nothing....

Claire was raised to be ~proper~ so her resistance (likely) comes in the form of biting, passive-aggressive poise which is hard to get across in a silent montage but it just feels.. weird

Frances Underwood is going to have a very sad childhood

nearly all the Claire flashbacks are cinematic masterpieces and as much i think Claire’s backstory deserves more attention, i also appreciate the minimalism and the choice humanising moments of her adolescence 

listen I'm sure we all agree Robin Wright is peak acting but the actor for young Claire, who has the arguably harder task of copying Wright is fantastic 

Of all the characters who crop up every season seemingly out of nowhere only to disappear once more once when the plot the Underwoods are done with them, Jane is one of my favourites and possibly one of the greyest characters alive. Smart, mysterious, worldly, a bit of a hippie despite her job, severe despite her sense of humour. Really loves her extremely pedestrian surname. We stan.

Secondary characters rarely get anything close to a backstory on this show, esp ones that were introduced so late. Still, her motivations seem more complicated then others (i.e. betraying Cathy, one of two people she cares about) and I wonder if they deserve a bit more of an explanation. Especially seeing as she has a relationship with every major character.

If anyone deserves a spin-off it might be Jane and her name-dropping career/social life

Cathy faking her own death with a terrible french accent? On stan !!!

Seth teasing Doug even while he’s completely undervalued by everyone around him is a power move

Impressed that they managed three characters named Tom, their distinctly different appearances and the fact that they're almost never in the same POV shots works to separate them.

Claire using the word “female” even facetiously is cringe

Whenever they use the cinema room, the movie they watch is always symbolic. Before the 2017 election, Frank and Claire imitate the characters in Double Indemnity, and this season a pregnant claire watches Rosemary’s Baby. Clever.

i liked the whitehouse tour guide’s inclusion and the cameo from _____ though this season was especially white without their usual token secondary character

So overall i liked season 6 as an exploration of Claire’s character even while it did v little justice to most of the other characters and unfortunately spacey’s absence did affect the storyline

and finally: that cinnamontography !

Not that the series should be pushed past its prime, but wouldn’t it be interesting to see Claire as a mother?

[sunlethscape]

The Wicked King Thoughts

this isn’t going to be an edited and professional review like my gaming reviews are lol. i just finished this at 2am last night and i legit DID NOT sleep well because i have so many emotions about this book...many of them that only got more negative as i talked about it with my best friend? which makes me sad because The Cruel Prince is my favorite fantasy book ever!!! maybe favorite book ever periodt!!!

so uhhhhhh here are my thoughts, i need to get them out and move on, especially since the wait for Queen of Nothing will be so long. ALL THE SPOILERS, OBVS so please don’t read if you haven’t read it yet and don’t want to be spoiled!

i think most of my issues stem from the fact that i think the book needed to be a lot longer. in a trilogy, the second book is the most important, in my opinion, because it serves as the bridge between the beginning and the end--there is no other bridge beside this book. and this book was really short and felt like it glossed over a lot? 

there is a 5 month time skip at the beginning, which doesn’t feel like the best move because seeing judge get acclimated to being cardan’s seneschal and all that entailed on a daily basis, both in terms of the physical stress and in terms of her feelings with cardan, would’ve been 1) great and 2) necessary for their relationship. 

jurdan is supposed to be this enemies to lovers trope, but the only way that this trope really works is if there is a significant amount of development in the relationship, or else the transition between enemies to lovers feels jarring and just doesn’t work. i didn’t see that transition here...they’re both very broken people, who have lacked the knowledge of what trust is for much of their life, but they do know it to some extent. i needed a lot more from them, a lot more development and also not what feels a retcon of what they learned of each other? like at least maybe cardan showing some hesitation or /something/ while sleeping with other people when he supposedly likes Jude, Really likes her enough to be unable to get her out of his head, enough to just scrawl her name on a note over and over again. they kind of do what they did in The Cruel Prince -- be mad at each other and have some sexual tension -- but just for the span of a book. it feels like there wasn’t any development, other than getting to know each other a bit more, having sex, getting close to becoming somewhat honest and then at the end that’s just obliterated. with cardan laughing a beat too late from the rest at the end, i know he has to have some plan set in motion, and it’s the only plan that will keep jude safe, but it’s still ?????? you got married literally the night before. which it wasn’t even a marriage “ceremony” that sat right because this is where they should’ve been honest about each other, at least to some noticeable degree. it would’ve made the betrayal at the end better, too! 

the betrayal/ending felt incredibly rushed. i remember checking the amount of pages left and being like...what’s going to happen in such few pages? and for an entire ending that leaves the reader shocked as well as an epilogue (which did nothing, really) to happen in such a short time felt very rushed.

there was also just /another/ time skip of another month. so we essentially skip over 6 months total in this book, and it feels...incomplete. i think the book needed to be double its length in order to carry the amount of development that it needed. it needed more build up toward all of its major plot points -- ghost betraying jude, taryn betraying jude, and prince cardan suddenly being in full control of his powers.

the last one, in particular, bothers me because we spend the entire book seeing him as a king that is more clever than he lets on but is ultimately still messy and rather naive. we get no build up toward him being more in tune with his powers -- it’s not something even jude knows at the beginning, and with being outcasted from the family his whole life, i doubt he received much training. it’s glossed over as him “learning scheming” well in the month that jude spent underwater but...again, that does nothing for the reader. it didn’t feel cheap, but it just wasn’t developed at all, so i was confused as to how he suddenly had perfect control. you need subtlety in books, but you also need to build up to certain things. 

locke explicitly trying to kill jude also felt ????? he’s always been extremely shady even from the beginning of the cruel prince, and jude does threaten him pretty explicitly here, but we’ve gotten no hint that he’s capable of murder before, as far as i remember. he’s been conniving and sneaky and trashy and unfaithful, but he hasn’t been shown to even think of murder as a valid option. taryn and him are annoying and this entire family thing should’ve been resolved, or reached a climax at least with all parties aware of everything, in this book. like...he can’t just have murdered jude and then he mostly disappears from jude’s mind and the general picture until the next book lol. 

i feel like holly black has created this amazing universe with such fascinating characters but isn’t letting them get the time to develop. we could’ve gotten so much more about nicasia, her mom, the blacksmith who is suddenly a really important player but that we see in two freaking scenes, about the court of shadows (especially ghost since????????????????? like yeah you served prince dain but bitch he’s dead now lmao WHAT you’re siding with what will destroy the land???? okay go off i guess), taryn, just...everyone. i’m puzzled as to why some scenes are in the book, like heather being turned into a cat or whatever and the scene with eldred’s past lover who just decides not to help jude even after opening up to her (which was a nice character building moment, yes, but he’s not even a major player in this and it wasn’t a necessity since he didn’t even help her and the scene doesn’t do anything meaningful for her)

trying to remove my bias as a shipper and lover of good romance, i find myself unabel to agree with people when they say romance isn’t at the forefront of this story. sure, political intrigue, war, scheming etc might all be at the forefront...but so is romance very much. the book’s synopsis touches on the romance. the book’s title is a reference to jude’s love interest. jude and cardan are the only two characters that get page time throughout the entire book (even if i wish there could’ve been more cardan, though i’m not sure if this is becuase i love him so dearly) and are the lead characters. the romance /is/ a very important part about this story, it’s why so many things (including the ending) happen. and i’m sad that what is the best enemies-to-lovers trope i’ve come across was just...nothing close to that at all in this book. it’s a messy relationship, they’re messy people, but i feel like we should be somewhere else with them if the next book is the last. the pacing was really not great here, at all. some people complained that the first book took too slow to start, which i found the pacing to be on the slow side but i was more than okay with it, but this was way too fast. if all these events spanned from the front to back of this book, then sure that’s fine but it needed to be a longer book. many things feel underdeveloped. 

i read it in one sitting so sure, it went fast for me. i’m a huge fan of the first book and this is the first book i’ve anticipated so strongly in a very long time. but i was hooked on the first book, as well, and not only did i not read that so fast but there was also proper development for everything so i was very satisfied at the end despite it being technically more of a cliffhanger than the end of this book.

i just...i’m sad to be disappointed because i’ve been thinking about this book nonstop for months? : ( i love this series and jude and cardan dearly so i’m sad to feel so disappointed. to bring up another author whose books I’ve enjoyed, Sarah J Maas tends to fluctuate in quality but she spends /so much time/ developing everything, from the world to her (arguably less interesting) characters. if this book incorporated that aspect of her writing, we would’ve learned more about the lower courts, especially the court of termites, learned more about this entire universe teeming with so many possibilities. A Court of Mist and Fury, the second book in the A Court of Thorns and Roses trilogy, is a stupendous book. it’s dedicated to some action and plenty of political intrigues, but it absolutely nailed developing every single main character in a pretty sizeable cast -- especially the main couple, which desperately needed the development since they were enemies in the first book. Heir of Fire is the middle book in the The Throne of Glass series, and that entire book is dedicated to developing the protagonist, her relationship to the world and to who becomes her real love interest. 

these two books in those series are really popular because they spent so much time just simply fleshing everything out...i feel like The Wicked King just jumps from event to action at a rapid pace, with some minimal character building in between. i loved seeing an even darker jude, but there’s something missing in her characterization that i can’t quite put my finger on, and while i loved cardan’s development, i feel he wasn’t around enough. maybe if the book was longer, i wouldn’t have these issues, because it’s the easiest way to fix them. idk. i’m usually not one for multiple POVs (i don’t mind or love them, whatever fits the story best is fine) but i think this book would’ve really benefitted from that here.

tl;dr i’m v sad that i’m disappointed in what was totally my most anticipated book...maybe ever? ;o; especially since a lot of people seem to have loved it, some even more than the cruel prince, and while i totally respect that and see where it comes from, i can’t count myself among those folks. idk. i’m sad and impatient for Queen of Nothing!! feel free to reply/cry with me if you’re disappointed with anything or just dealing with the nearly unbearable sadness and emptiness of finishing a book of a series that you care so much about. 

@ holly black 

[berezina]

THE FOLLOWING DAY, SATURDAY, JANUARY 12th, I also didn't tweet, and my iCal reminds me why. I had an invite to a glammish Manhattan party. Cocktails at 7pm before guests moved on to dinner. That's the kind of true but implausible detail you cut from a novel.

Not that I'd been invited, exactly. I'd scored a plus-one from the college friend I've called 'Sarah.' For those new around here, Sarah is a type-A daylight creature of the tech-finance woods. Which isn't my main problem with her, though it makes small-talking around our periodic hostilities hard. She's short, blonde, and works out enough to be fit without becoming slender, a frustration she'll only reference in passing because direct conversation about it would make her feel like the wrong sort of woman. She lives on the Williamsburg waterfront in one of those glassy towers that are easy to despise until you're inside a high-floor apartment. The East River Ferry cuts its engine and glides into the dock below… a glass-muted helicopter beats by at eye-level between you and the Midtown skyline. In her apartment I question my life choices, decide it's too late, then think, Is it, though?

It was true that not having Sarah in my life was unthinkable, and also that we were overdue for a breakup. Our friendship endured because a break would be awkward for the mutual friends we both actually liked. She'd done the same math, I was sure. For girls we're both good at math.

The other thing keeping us together I doubt she noticed: her epic drive to avenge her sub-Alice status in college by proving that I was sub-Sarah, now. Which I was on her scale, and sometimes on mine. When I remember that I'm a vocational wreck I want to be Sarah and can imagine doing her job. At a party of strangers, never mind: no Sarah. The plus-one was another demonstration.

So I couldn't tweet that day, obviously. Too busy in the long mirror negging my mild Sarah-friendly dress and shoes and hair, working up the courage to piss Sarah off by putting on a slut show. I did this while preparing answers for Sarah's colleagues, who think it's only polite to ask someone like me, 'What do you do?'

'FBI.'

'FBI in training.'

'Influencer.'

'Like…nothing? I'm just rich.'

*Russian accent* 'I am model.'

(I did the Russian with Sarah in earshot once and she bombed in with 'Alice is an amazing writer,' which flattered me until I realized she just didn't want anyone to think she had a dunce loser friend.)

I remember thinking—maybe it was that day or the next, on the other side of the party—that the root trouble with us is we'd each scripted ourselves into a different buddy comedy. Mine was absurdist in not-good way: two women, neither of whom understand a word the other says, pretending they do so the other won't think she's off the up and up.

Sarah's, like most buddy comedies, had a moral. I'm the amusing flighty spontaneous looks-obsessed one, whose job is to teach my sober hard-working friend to take it easy, bae, have a drink, worry not about her boss's true opinion…because other minds or truth at all are never knowable. (In her movie I'm a philosopher, too.)

In return, Sarah schools me in the happiness that comes from hard work and adult restraint.

Of Sarah's four examples of my looks obsession, three were hookups, not boyfriends, but fine, there was truth to it. The untruthful part, which she must have recognized, was her pretense that our hook-up styles reflect deliberate choices only, not in any way different (however temporary) meat-market values. Sarah, as she'll tell you, is 'buttony' cute. But that's a risky play when you're five-foot-one with a firm thickness everywhere that, sorry, you do kind of deserve for listening to doctors and your Westchester mom, and exercising an hour each day like she does, while ignoring my advice to stop eating like her.

The party was not my worst. As a reward for dressing with cowardly 'taste,' I harvested a bushel of corporate male regard, including the older-male regard I sometimes crave because Daddy blah blah. Wise Sarah would have told me the good news: the harvest meant I could be choosy. I could go on a proper date with the most promising one. But I don't know: the dialectic of desire I inherited was busted, waiting for a spare part that never arrived. When most men at a party or on a scene don't pay court I become indignant and drive off the noble exceptions. Where I'm popular I become less choosy, likelier to run off somewhere to disinhibit with the room's most persistent Regarder. Sarah loves to replay the times my unchoosiness persisted even after the Regarder had showed his hand as a player, mild psycho, or (not defending it) married.

That night Sarah kept me under surveillance. If I wasn't willing to start with a proper date, I would need to submit any potential hookup to the Sarah Test: is this a dude I could remotely imagine dating sometime in the near future, when we were done with our sad business? The answers in this case were nooooooo. Also, the leading contestants were friends, which is gross, somehow. I was pretty sure I said no.

The next morning I woke hungover, confused by a strange bed, and thought, Uh oh. But it was too comfortable to be a man's. I found Sarah in her apartment's kitchen district, in sports spandex. She'd finished in her building's gym, or the micro gym she belonged to as well because it had the better whatever and her employer paid half. One of her little hands dawdled on the island's marble top, enjoying some downtime, while she thumb-scrolled her phone with the other. She made a gesture of 'finishing up' before the needling arrived.

'She wakes! She rises!'

Something like that. I'm not going to pretend I remember exact words in this scene. The point is that my habit of sleeping late fit with my caricature from her movie.

'I smell Venture Capital coffee,' I said.

She poured me a mug's worth, and it was fucken amazing until she ruined it with, 'Did we like the bed?'

'Your sheets are intense.'

'Pillow-wise?'

'I'm not just saying this. You run like the best boutique hotel.' Which was true.

'I'm putting the customer first,' she said.

'It's true.'

It was Sarah's turn to rejoin but she put on a transitional smile instead. 'Remember when you said that to me?'

Yeah, yeah. As I explained at the time, which was college, I was being self-deprecating, not condescending to her business aspirations. 'I could never be good at business' was set up. 'To me, the customer's always wrong.' Pow!

Her memory had done light renovations, updating the quip from a play on the classically servile 'customer's always right' to the equally servile but more Obama-era proactive, 'putting the customer first.' When I pointed out her mistake she said, 'I can't believe you remember that.'

Classic: suggesting I was obsessed with an ancient incident I never would have recalled if she hadn't two seconds ago brought it up.

A cease-fire held as we walked our coffees over to her living room district. We shared the instinct to grab winter sun from her wall of noise-cancelling glass. Even in communion, I thought, we were so different. Her she was caffeinated and high on exercise, her spandex with the sour damp smell of achievement. She took the sun, checking it off her daily list of things to do in January, for Vitamin D. I was dry-mouthed and skullachey in undies and a v-neck, scrounging sun for the same reason I overflirt. I need handfuls of anti-depressant.

We weren't done.

Sarah reminded me that (in college) I'd been defensive at first, accusing her of paranoia before retreating to like, 'I totally get how you'd hear it as condescending, but honestly…'

My college apology had expired. Was I aware that my old tone of condescension persisted? Toward her and, yes, others? She brought a lightly embellished example from the party I couldn't believe she'd overheard. It was with one of the Regarders and she was misunderstanding ironic banter. We'd had that conversation before, too. Anything I say in an old-movie-star voice, as a rule, I told her, is not serious. But no one hears anything. I re-apologized.

'I'm not saying be a different person inside,' Sarah said, in her wise-one conclusion-voice. 'It would be too weird if you weren't arrogant. Seriously, you'd be unrecognizable. [laugh laugh laugh] But you're getting too old to like, radiate arrogance.'

'While living in Queens, you mean.'

'I mean anywhere.'

'Arrogance is not a great look for a nobody is what you're saying.'

'No for anyone.'

Yeah, right.

Having lost my will to exist outside Sarah's judgments, I spent the rest of that Sunday with her and her parents. They showed up at her place exactly at noon, which led me to picture them inside their car in a parking garage, killing time listening to WNYC. Her mother, Jill, greeted me with began sincerely warm on its way to suspiciously long. Sniffing for alcohol? Infusing me with 'support.' Jill used to act testy and competitive toward me in sympathy with her daughter but since the post-college status-reversal I was a poor thing having a rough time and what a pity to throw such a promising life away, a fate pretty much sealed and we could stop discussing now that she's age almost-26. Sarah's kindly, invisible father came over with WNYC still in his ears like the perfume of another woman and told us to sit, sit, while his wife took over the kitchen, to poison us with bagels and cake.

'I will need an update,' Jill warned me, as if she had any intention of giving me time to prepare. 'What's the grad school story?'

'I'mmmm still deciding. Pretty sure I'll apply.'

'Great!' She pointed a cake knife at me. 'But do it this time. Really do it. Yeah?'

'That's always the idea, except—'

'Great.'

It was at a rent-the-back-room dinner she'd treated Sarah and ten of her friends to during our college-graduation week, that I'd told Jill my grad school plans. She'd said, 'Don't waste your time in the Ivory Tower. It's much ado about nothing.' Now I was a good fit.

When Jill wasn't looking, I yanked a strip of lox out from between the overfull bagel buttocks, and ate it like a piece of sashimi. I thought about stuffing the toxic bread product into my bag like after I stayed overnight at their Chappaqua place but decided it would be more fun to feed Jill's condescending concern by leaving them my carb refuse right there on the island. This way she could whisper to Sarah when I stepped into the bathroom, 'Is she eating? She doesn't look great,' and Sarah would tell me the next day, 'My mom asked if you were eating and I told her it was none of her business. But just between us, I hope you're eating.'

~Alice from Queens [source]

[deardeera]

oh! pregnancy!

My friends, my peers, on my way to my 36th week of pregnancy, im getting more anxious, excited, and felt all that jazz all over my body. instead of bringing negativity somewhere else, let me just write all my rants, experience, and even tips and recommendations here!

PART 1: HOW COULD I GET PREGNANT?

As an Indonesian-newly wed, the question will be “udah isi belum” for months and months ahead. Be ready, be not too salty because it’s tradition (i guess), a tradition that I. and most of our generation starting to get rid of. My response was easy, all smiley and still trying to be polite, but at times I got sad too. After three months of my wedding, I started to cry everytime my period comes :/ dont get me wrong. i want to get preggo not just because the pressure but my husband and I wanted kids too. I browsed through internet and do some tips, like both of us start consuming vitamin E (I use natur e & ever e), a more healthy lifestyle (we really tried our best to dodge junkfood), and the most important is to do the pembuahan when I am in my fertile time. To know my fertile time is not easy either, I take fertility test (it’s shaped like testpack) every morning and nigh, three days after my menstruation is done. It’s very hard to be consistent but I do this anyways. Sometimes I slack off too, but I think this is the best way to know your fertile time if your cycle every month is always changing like me. And Alhamdulillah, I have my baby on me!! It was magical, surreal, and unbelievable..

PART 2: IM PREGNANT, WHAT SHOULD I DO?

When I first found out I was pregnant, I kept it to myself, i still not believe what i saw until i test with another testpack. It’s clear, it’s two bold lines. And I prepared myself to talk to my husband, of course with a lil surprise and not to forget to record his reaction ~ (IT’S PRICELESS... TRUST ME YOU SHOULD DO THIS TOO). And after all the happy tears we should make sure everything is in there, on my belly, alive, breathing, and healthy. We decided to go to RS Hermina Galaxy, to dr. Wulandari (by my in law’s recommendation) and everything went well. I found out I was in my 6th week and there’s this little precious human on my womb. 

PART 3: SHOULD I STAY ON MY FIRST HOSPITAL?

After my second visit to RS Hermina, I decided to stop and move to Halobayi Bekasi (Nadya Medical Centre) with dr. Riene. Halobayi provides 4D USG in such reasonable price, at first me and my husband didnt really expect anything because 250.000? for a 4D USG? dudee? but we were wrong. the doctor is super duper nice to us, new parents, she explained everything soooo well and detailed, and didnt seem to rush us, she also answers all of the questions we have. So up until now, I stick with Halobayi and dr. Riene for my my 4D USG every month. There is plenty of doctor choice too, and besides Halobayi, there’s halobumil, intipbuahhati, that provides super worth 4D USG if you didnt want to go to RSIA. Just dive into their social media and see the reviews!

PART 4: TF IS SKINCARE??? IM TOO FRIGGIN LAZY!

Trust me, Ive been there... for the first three months i stopped ALL of my skincare (and really i just washed my face and sometimes apply sunblock if i must go outside). But after that three months i felt my skin is very dull looking... theres dry patches everywhere... i look kuyu and not fresh... sis this is not what we want right?!! we should be a sharp lookin preggo women... then i did my research and tried zhofira.. it’s a skincare brand by selebgram i guess, i havent heard any bit of the owner nor the products. but the review?? is very intriguing so i tried their toner and serum, it’s surprisingly good! i felt my skin lighter, and very well hydrated. it’s more than enough for me. for good two months i used them up alongside with Sensatia Botanicals Unscented Soapless Face Cleanser omg did i spell it right... and I love the result. 

but the serum’s bottle and its consistency annoy me v much so i started to research another serum... Then it comes to my new routine for the past two months I think??? and I changed my facial wash to Jarte Beauty & Sukin Original face wash. I like them both but i think Sensatia face cleanser is still my number one!!!! anyways this routine do pretty good job to my face, it’s nice, plumpy, hydrated and brighten my face a little (it’s the somethinc i believe!) and I am comfortable with them maybe for a long time i wish!

PART 5: HELLOO STRETCH MARKS!

I thought.... just my thought only... I wouldnt get stretch marks because I started using bio oil in my 4th months. BUT I WAS WRONG -- they really comes suddenly at my 7th months, and now it becomes super bold lines around my belly, under my belly, on my thighs, buttsss.. I was so shocked but I think it’s because i’m petite and my skin is not prepared to get ~this~ stretchy... First i used bio oil, but lately... because it gets very, very itchy i tried using herborist zaitun oil and it works well too. I didnt hesitate to use it much because it’s cheaper than bio oil lmao.. the most important is my skin isnt dry so if they becomes bigger the marks would minimalized (i wish :p) but dont worry... it’s normal!!! i get insecure sometimes but my husband is supportive enough to convince me that i look beautiful, that he will love me for everything that i am. ahaha.

PART 6: TO STAY FIT

Stay fit and active is a must.. from 20 weeks i went to yoga class in Nadya Medical Centre once a week until now, i think i slack off for like 3-4 times but I tried do do yoga at home too. Bidan Kita and Kriwilife is my go to channel. But i think it’s veerry important to follow a yoga class with bidan first, so that you could feel confident doing any movements you see on youtube. Besides yoga, walking is another recommendations from so many people. but for this one I still got so lazy at morning (if you’re 30weeks above your sleep cycle wouldnt be the same). But i tried to make it up with walking inside the house or on the treadmill aha.

PART 7: MY UNDERWEAR... IT’S SO SMALL!

my dear, i got you. as someone who’s in her life being small at any aspect of the body, I really am shocked by the size i have become right now lol... I tried couple of underwear (panties and bras) to see what i really like. turns out i really like these brands! for panties i use CD Maternity Mamabel (aquoshop on shopee), and Sorex 1128 Maternity Panty (i buy it offline but there’s a lot on shopee too). these two are comfortable and didnt push your womb, the karet is superrr big and with the mamabel ones you could adjust them. For the bras, I really love Sorex 8200. IT’S WHAT I NEED... it’s comfortable, holding your boobies well. the karet is not annoying (you can just add the bra extender if you felt like it’s not enough) and it’s super soooftt. I bought them at cherrybabykidsshop on shopee. I have four of them lmao im obsessed. AND.. if you like to do yoga or you’re comfortable with leggings, maternity legging by sorex is also super recommended. they’re super stretchy and suit for any activities. By this time i sound like sorex’s marketing huh. but they really made such nice quality products.....

So I think that’s on thhat... I wish every one of you reading my post until the end be given with health, and happiness always. And I hope I did help you in a way tho! Feel free to ask me things (~^,^)~

Love always, MSH <3

[meridianrose]

This is a multiday post, under the cut are my entries for Day 1 - 8

Day 1 Why you're participating in Snowflake

Day 2 Favourite memory about fandom (Legend of the Seeker, People's Palace, landcomms)

Day 3 Rec fanworks you did not create (5 x au fics in 5 fandoms)

Day 4 Create a fannish wishlist (more comments for everyone, be nicer, create more, I can haz art pls)

Day 5 Rec a fannish or creative resource (scripts, screencaps and promo pics, image hosting)

Day 6 Leave feedback (I'm always doing the thing)

Day 7 Create a love meme (please leave comments/gifs)

Day 8 Share a piece of canon (Starz shows and how I fell truly in love during S2 moments, Da vinci's Demons, Black Sails)

  Day 1 In your own space, talk about why you're participating in Snowflake and, if you’ve participated in the past, how the challenge has affected you. What drew you to it? What did you take away from it? I'm assisting with mod duties this year and this is what I wrote for my introduction there: I've been in fandom a long time. I've seen some good changes and some not so good. Lately in some places there's been a lot of negativity in fandom and overall it seems there's been a steady decline in interaction. For me fandom is about the joy of connecting with other fans, discussing, creating, consuming - and also commenting on fanworks of all kinds. I'm hoping Snowflake Challenge will give us all a positive boost and encourage us to focus on the good and to rediscover the community side of fandom. And because I'm assisting with mod duties I'm seeing a lot more of the content being produced and its amazing and heartwarming to see people sharing their personal stories and how fandom has helped them, talking about their passions, sharing their favourite fandoms and resources and fanworks. It's wonderful to see so many journal entries and activity! Day 2 In your own space, share a favorite memory about fandom: the first time you got into fandom, the last time a fanwork touched your heart, crazy times with fellow fans (whether on-line or off-line), a lovely comment you’ve received or have left for someone. Legend of the Seeker. This is one of my longer and more active fandoms. The peoplespalace was where I felt very welcomed and encouraged and I wrote a lot of fanworks and participated in a lot of the activities there. I miss the Darken/Cara/Rahl family side of the fandom a lot. There was also legendland a landcomm which ran for many years – we even had a reunion battle last year which was nice! I wrote so much fic, made icons and other graphics, even fanvids. I tried to do every challenge where possible. I was on Team Cara for the longest time. Cara, Darken, Zedd were always my favourites ;) Before legendland there was whedonland and again I felt part of something there. It pretty much saved my life a couple of times. These days there's gameofcards and it's fun and I encourage everyone to check it out, but the more specific fandom landcomms seemed to make for more tight-knit teams and I miss them. Day 3 In your own space, post recs for at least three fanworks that you did not create. There are so many things I could rec! But I'll pick 5 AU fics from 5 different fandoms to spread the love a little Side by Side – Cormoran Strike http://archiveofourown.org/works/12036537 Fantasy au that ends in Strike/Robin, highly recommended. Murder – Dark Matter http://archiveofourown.org/works/12000579 College au based around an actual tradition of a game called "murder". As Glory Turns to Dust – Hamilton http://archiveofourown.org/works/11359656 Modern au with magic. Hamilton is cursed to be forgotten, leaving him alone in the world except, briefly, for Jefferson. Warning this is a fantastic fic but a sad ending. There is however a linked sequel by another author to put things right :) Skin Full of Lies – Black Sails http://archiveofourown.org/works/7570540 Soulmate au Silverflint "Every lie your soulmate tells you appears on your skin. Between outward lies, manipulations and stories told the crew John Silver's ink quite quickly takes over most of James' body." a gift fic for me, The Princess' Bodyguard – The Shannara Chronicles http://archiveofourown.org/works/13113129 pre-canon au in which Eretria is Amberle's bodyguard. One-shot but with potential for more, strong hints of Eretria/Amberle Day 4 In your own space, create a fannish wishlist. No limits on size or type of fanwork; just tell us what you’d like to see. Can we please do as most people asked on their fannish wishlist for day 4 and leave more comments? Can we journal more and create more? Can we rediscover the joy of fandom and stop with the "anti" behaviour? Please. More specifically for me, art for fics is always welcome. (I have a transformative work statement at LJ/DW and AO3 and have had translations of my work and podfic which are lovely!) In particular for my sfbb fic Bad Case of Loving You. I've got beautiful artwork for most of my sfbb fics, the DvD fics in particular. For sfbb I provide pinterest boards to help with resources and generally try to help artists out, as I did here. This is a Black Sails modern au medical drama with Silver/Flint/Miranda and Silver&Max and it was a labour of love and I'm still amazed I managed to write the thing. However it seemed to be cursed. My first beta dropped out. My first artist dropped out. My second artist swore they were ready to go then didn't post, then after the fest posted a basic stock photo+text "cover". *sigh* I made my own art in the end, banner and mini picspam for the tumblr promo post but I'm an amateur artist. Day 5 Recommend a fannish or creative resource. Springfield!Springfield! has movie and tv episode scripts. kiss them goodbye has a huge amount of screencap galleries. farfarawaysite has a smaller amount of pictures but tends to have high quality promotional pictures. Cloudinary is the site I'm using for image hosting since the photobucket debacle. Day 6 Leave feedback for a fanwork. Or multiple fanworks. It can be as simple as I liked this to a detailed list of all the things you loved about the fanwork. The key is to leave some sort of feedback. If you've already left feedback in the course of a previous challenge, it totally counts. But you're free to leave more feedback. My new year's resolution last year was to leave a comment on every fanfic, hosted on AO3, over 100 words, that I finished reading. (I needed some parameters; this doesn't mean I didn't leave comments at LJ/DW or on drabbles because I did, on occasion). I did the thing. I read a little less than usual. I noped out of more fics. But the fics I read and finished got a comment. I'm going to try and keep doing that. I've already left comments on some fics this year. My additional resolution for this year is to write down more of my ideas. Having plot ideas or dialogues while showering or in bed is one thing, but if I don't write/type at least the basics up, I forget them partially or entirely when I try to write the thing weeks or months later. Day 7: In your own space, create a love meme for yourself. Let people tell you how amazing and awesome and loveable you really are Come and tell me how amazing I am ;) Seriously though, I'm working on being more positive and telling myself I'm worthwhile, I deserve more, I am achieving more. But it always helps when other people are backing that up. Drop me a gif in the comments if that's easier, gifs are like greeting cards for saying the things we don't know how to otherwise express. Day 8 In your own space, share a favourite piece of original canon (a TV episode, a song, a favourite interview, a book, a scene from a movie, etc) and explain why you love it so much. My love of Starz shows seems to kick off in second seasons. For Da Vinci's Demons in S2e04 – starts around here: https://youtu.be/cQi4xjrBmgI?t=11m27s This is the moment I fell in love with younger!hotter!Riario, aka Blake Ritson in a wig, because hair kink. But also the moment I finally liked Lucrezia too, seeing her devotion to her sister. If you want me to like a character, have them adore and protect their little sister, if you want me to hate them, have them throw little sis under the bus. Riario tries to spare both girls, succeeds in saving only one, and his grief is evident as he speaks with a heartbroken Lucrezia. This scene changed how I felt about both Riario and Lucrezia and thus about the show and my fannish involvement. Similarly this humorous moment changed my feelings about Silver and SilverFlint in the opening episode of S2 Black Sails : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wIt9u7CkBf0 when Silver completely misunderstands the plan and volunteers for a risky mission. This tumblr post shows what happens next: http://alightabovethearbys.tumblr.com/post/168194826519 It's even better later when they get on board, leading to Flint's exasperated "Well what the fuck did you think was going to happen?" You can see some gifs from all those Silverflint moments in S2 here: http://jolinarofmalkshur.tumblr.com/post/168381696381/john-silver-appreciation-week-day-6-favorite