#we're done for the summer but will run again in september

[abirddogmoment]

My beautiful baby dog absolutely crushed the field trials this weekend and pulled TWO third places over some really competitive and experienced puppies! I'm so so so proud of how she ran this weekend and I'm so happy the judges saw the same potential in her that I do 💛💛

[chasingfigments]

So here's what I've been up to

Despite the years of relative silence, I actually HAVE been writing, and writing a lot. Most of it just isn't public yet.

September 2021 to January 2023: Planned and outlined a FFXV alternate universe collab with @crazyloststar. (~20,000 words)

January 2023 to present: Started writing the FFXV alternate universe collab. (~76,000 words; 21/36 chapters written; no chapters posted)

January 2023 to August 2023: Took notes for and outlined a FE3H fic about Lysithea returning to Ordelia and dismantling her house, while also being in a long-distance relationship with Claude. (~9,000 words)

September 2023 to present: Started writing the FE3H fic. (~20,000 words; 6/14 chapters written; no chapters posted)

February 2024 to March 2024: Outlined For Some Desperate Glory, a Batman fic where Red Hood kidnaps Bruce Wayne instead of taking over the drug trade. (~7,000 words)

February 2024 to present: Started writing For Some Desperate Glory. (~5,000 words; 1/12 chapters written; 1 chapter posted)

More detail about each of these projects after the cut.

FFXV collab with crazyloststar

If you liked all of our Borders of Divinity bullshit, expect More but also Different. It's another alternate universe/canon divergence, and it's going to be half again as long as BoD.

We're nearly done with Act 2 (chapter 25), which we're scheduled to wrap up next month. We'll be doing a massive continuity edit at that point (it's been well over a year since we wrote chapter one), and once that's finished, we're likely going to start approaching artists for commissions.

According to our writing schedule, we'll be drafting the final chapter sometime in November 2024.

We'll likely start posting before then, but that's going to depend on art and how closely we stick to the writing schedule. We liked being able to post every week with BoD and don't want to risk having to delay a chapter because we're behind.

You'll likely start seeing chapters this year, though it's incredibly likely we'll still be posting in 2025 given its length.

FE3H Lysithea dismantles her house

I'm obsessed with Lysithea's canon ending with Claude, couldn't find anything on AO3 that addressed it, and so here I am, writing it myself.

Also stealing other shit from other endings, but please note--this is essentially the aftermath of a no-recruitment run. It's Golden Deer, with cameos and occasional mentions of other Church-aligned folks.

Claude is off in Almyra for almost the entire fic; here's hoping you're into long-distance relationships when mail delivery takes ages and is not as reliable as the USPS.

I need to get through Act 2 (chapter 9) and do a continuity edit there before I feel comfortable posting.

You'll start seeing chapters this year; maybe late summer-ish. I should be able to get this off my plate this year.

For Some Desperate Glory (Batman fic)

The first chapter is up because I was extra excited and feeling reckless and wanted to get something up the first half of the year when everything else is still months out from being public.

I've gotten my hands on the deluxe version of the UTRH comic; aiming to read it this month. This is likely to cause some additional outline revisions; the chapter count may actually go down--we'll see.

This is the one fic I plan to post chapters as they're finished; the narrative structure is different from the two other projects and won't require continuity checks/overhauls at a specific point.

Hoping to have the entire fic done and up this year. Wish me luck!

[kingedmundsroyalmurder]

David Baker has returned to the narrative! David Baker has charmed everyone at the Williamson home, including Timothy! David Baker wants to know why he has been summoned back into this story!

David Baker would like to remind you that he is a eugenicist! "He did not betray the surprise and dismay he felt at learning that Eric had fallen in love with a dumb girl of doubtful antecedents; and the strange case enlisted his professional interest."

So Eric takes David to meet Kilmeny, and David is, of course, utterly bowled over by her beauty. Eric, meanwhile, never passes up a chance to be weird about Kilmeny: "Eric smiled as he recalled HIS first meeting with her. He suddenly realized how far Kilmeny had come since then and how much she had developed." This is how my friend talks about her toddler. 'Oh, she's developed so much these past few months! She's so much more confident now!'

There is also, as others have already pointed out, a massive difference between having an appointment with someone who has come recommended by someone you trust and looking up when you think yourself alone and suddenly seeing a complete stranger staring at you. Like, never mind the fact that Kilmeny has had the worldview-shattering character moment of finding out her true reflection, she was expecting David Baker.

“Eric, she is simply unutterable!” said David in an undertone. “Last night, to tell you the truth, I had a rather poor opinion of your sanity. But now I am consumed with a fierce envy. She is the loveliest creature I ever saw.”

I suppose there is something admirable in how blatantly all these men state that all they want from a wife is a pretty trophy. I'm also curious if we're ever going to get David Baker's tragic romantic backstory, which was alluded to back in chapter one.

Eric leaves David with Kilmeny and goes off to school. I had thought he was done for the summer -- are we into fall by this point? I have fully lost track of the timeline of this book. It's all a kind of hazy dream of endless summer. Again, we can definitely see the kernel of something that Maud will become much better at over her career. She eventually uses the seasons extremely deftly, tying the setting, the time of year, and the narrative together seamlessly. Even within one season, she will take us from early summer to high summer to late summer and the passage of time will matter. Here, I have no idea how much time has passed. I feel like the last month marker I saw referenced was July? But maybe it's now September? I have no idea.

Anyway, we run into Neil again. Remember Neil? Yeah, he's not doing so hot. "Neil’s face had grown thin and haggard; his eyes were sunken and feverishly bright; he looked years older than on the day when Eric had first seen him in the brook hollow." Eric feels a sudden surge of pity and asks Neil if they can be friends, while delivering a complete non-apology. Eric is not even listening and learning, that would be better than what he actually says. What he says is, "I am sorry if I have been the cause of inflicting pain on you."

Eric is very sorry you were offended. Eric does kind of think he did nothing wrong and this is entirely a you problem though.

Neil, unsurprisingly, does not want to be friends. Dire proclamations of 'I'll get you back yet!' aside, I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who had only ever been a dick to me, even without heartbreak in the middle.

But we put Neil out of our mind, because why should we spend any time worrying about this man who has threatened vengeance on us several times? There's a woman to talk about! Eric goes home and finds David, who tells him that there is nothing physically wrong with Kilmeny at all. Her trouble is psychological, not physical. There is nothing that a doctor can do for her. What David does say, however, is that he thinks maybe Kilmeny could cure herself, if she "wants it badly enough." This is straying very close to victim blaming, but I'm actually not mad at it because it is reminding me very strongly of the climactic scene from Ella Enchanted, when she breaks her own curse through sheer willpower and wanting it badly enough. And imagining Kilmeny bursting out the door and proclaiming, "I shan't marry the prince!" is tiding me through.

Meanwhile, David Baker is playing with an antimacassar decorated with a lion, and it has to be symbolism, because this has so far not been a book that draws attention to non-plot relevant props, but I cannot for the life of me figure it out. He pokes his fingers through the lion's eye-holes as he's delivering his verdict, which could just be a crude metaphor for curing Kilmeny with sex but feels awfully violent. Anyone have any ideas?

Eric protests that Kilmeny does want to speak, and David says:

“Yes, but I do not mean that sort of wanting, no matter how strong the wish may be. What I do mean is—a sudden, vehement, passionate inrush of desire, physical, psychical, mental, all in one, mighty enough to rend asunder the invisible fetters that hold her speech in bondage. If any occasion should arise to evoke such a desire I believe that Kilmeny would speak—and having once spoken would thenceforth be normal in that respect—ay, if she spoke but the one word.”

So Margaret repressed her own desire to speak and forgive her father so strongly, and under such a weight of emotion, that it will take a similar emotional event to unlock Kilmeny's ability to speak. Honestly I wish LMM had been able to just include a supernatural element here, because 'Margaret Gordon cursed her daughter with literal magic' would be so much simpler than this weird medical-but-not-but-kind-of-supernatural-but-not thing the book has going.

Eric is distraught, because he knows Kilmeny will never agree to marry him while she is still mute, and there seems to be no way to change her ability to speak. He can't rely on a climactic emotional event to occur, after all. He goes to the Gordon house and finds that Kilmeny has refused to see him. Janet hands him a note that says he must never come back, because it will be better for both of them if he forgets her. She is calling him Eric instead of Master, which is nice.

Eric, who does not know how to take no for an answer, says that Janet must go upstairs and fetch Kilmeny down and make her see him. Janet obliges, but Kilmeny will not be made. Like her mother before her, Kilmeny hears a man she loves pleading with her to come down and see him and will not do so. Eric comes back the next day, and same thing. She will not see him. Janet sits him down and says that, since Kilmeny won't marry him, he should stop coming to the homestead. It would be better if they didn't see each other anymore.

“I know I am asking a hard thing for your own good, Master. It is not as if Kilmeny would ever change her mind. We have had some experience with a woman’s will ere this. Tush, Janet, woman, don’t be weeping. You women are foolish creatures. Do you think tears can wash such things away? No, they cannot blot out sin, or the consequences of sin. It’s awful how one sin can spread out and broaden, till it eats into innocent lives, sometimes long after the sinner has gone to his own accounting. Master, if you take my advice, you’ll give up the Lindsay school and go back to your own world as soon as may be.”

At this point it's starting to feel as though, rather than Kilmeny being the one to venture into fairy land, it is Eric who has crossed the threshold into another world. I haven't really gotten a lot of otherworldly vibes from Lindsay or the Gordons for a while, but now they're back with a vengeance. And with them, the hint of a more interesting story! Once again, if this story had been able to fully commit to the magical/supernatural elements, it would be a lot stronger and more interesting. Eric, with his capitalist mindset and strong ties to the outside world via logic and learning, having to navigate fairyland would be interesting. But Eric hasn't learned anything, and so his being ejected from fairyland without his fairy queen doesn't have the ring of tragedy that it should.

[tboybuck]

Word Count Goals Accountability

BATTER UP!

Minimum Goal: 3,024 | Stretch Goal: 6,480 | Words Written: 4,337 | Total Current Word Count: 73,455

and for the folks in my inbox who requested bu! for wip wednesday, a snippet under the cut: @bifuriouswaterbender, @eriquin, @inairbinad, @sidekick-hero, and @steves-strapcollection (i'm gonna throw @thefreakandthehair on here too, bc baseball!steve besties)

feel free to request some more, we're going all weekend !

It’s the weekend before playoffs start and every fucking park in Chicago is prepping for winter even though it’s as hot as it was in August and twice as humid. The city parks department clearly hasn’t been putting their back into the care and keeping of the parks this summer - the grass is dry and brown with barely a patch of clover to be found. As much as Steve would like to not have to do this… it’s tradition, and he’s superstitious. He needs a four leaf clover for the first game of the playoffs.

He’s had the big ugly boot off for a month now, and he’s back in training mode. He and Robin decided today would be as good a day as any to get out and find a clover. They’ve been at it for a number of hours now, and it’s getting to be the hottest part of the day. They’ve been to nearly every park in the city and… nothing.

Lincoln Park is a fucking tourist trap, even in September. Steve’s done more autograph signing since they turned up here than he has since before his injury, and it’s getting harder and harder to be gracious about it. He talks to a few guys about his injury, about the playoffs, about the other team in their bracket. He even talks about Eddie a little bit to the fans that ask.

“Are you moving in with Munson at the end of the season?” they’ll ask, and he’ll beat around the bush with it a little, not really answering the question directly because it’s none of their business.

The relationship baseball fans think they have with the players on their favorite team isn’t unlike the relationship music fans think they have with their favorite band. There’s a word for it, one that Steve can never seem to remember, but it doesn’t rub him as much the wrong way as it used to when he first started out.

Steve is standing next to a bench talking to a middle aged woman with a bag of sunflower seeds. The pigeons and doves at her feet are cooing at her for more as she talks to Steve, her hands animated and her smile broad and toothy.

“That home run you hit against the Nationals back in June,” she’s saying, gushing about it, and Steve is smiling and nodding along, remembering. “Just crazy!”

“Yeah, it was definitely a season highlight,” Steve agrees. He’s glad to be talking baseball. He loves talking about Eddie but he’s talked about nothing but his relationship for months, it seems like. Talking about baseball again feels right, feels natural. 

He should be out there with Robin, who’s sifting through the grass on her knees in search of Steve’s elusive clover.

“Goin’ up against the Nats all over again next weekend,” Steve smiles.

“Think they’ll put Smith back on the mound?”

Steve laughs. He doesn’t usually like to talk shit about other teams to fans, but Garrett Smith, the Nationals’ starting pitcher, is nothing to write home about. He’s given up more home runs than any other pitcher in the majors this season and Steve just finds it… funny, almost, that they keep him on as a starter.

“I think if they want to win, they’ll put Jacoby on to start.”

The woman with the sunflower seeds nods along.

“Harrington, you ass!” Robin is calling. “Enough socializing and help me!”

“Lucky clover?” the woman guesses. 

“Yeah, we’ve been out all day.” He sighs. “I better get back to it. Great talking to you, though.”

“You too. Good luck next weekend.”

“Thanks.”

And so Steve jogs out to the field and crouches beside Robin, and together the two of them run their fingers through the short grass in a small patch of clover, searching.

It doesn’t actually take much longer, after that. Robin calls him over, just a few short yards away, and points at a patch of green between her feet. And there it is - vibrant green shot through with white, all four leaves round and uniform, and Steve plucks it out of the ground.

[k--image]

The pixilation from re-downloading this picture I took makes it look more like a painting

To move on as if I totally didn't abandon this blog for three months, I'll give a swift update:

Submitted last assignments. Slept for weeks. Deleted social media (more on that later). Watched a lot of films...

... And now things are just starting to pick up again with arbitrary, here-and-there meetings and events. So I intend to get back on my game.

This is done, of course, by using the ancient wisdom of Cal Newport. I dug through his old Study Hacks blog seeking advice for college students (as now he mainly talks about careers), and found what he calls the 3x3 method.

In short, this involves focusing on three big projects for each of the three months of summer (June, July, August). Whilst I approach the aptly timed existential crisis that is my birthday (mid-July, especially entering my 20s D:), it's the opportune time for some re-thinking and renewing in this not-quite-on, not-quite-off period between now and September.

As we're already 10 days into June, I thought it best to blog about as soon as possible rather than at the end of August where I would probably over-exaggerate my success.

So far I've chosen two things to work on in June, one habit and one actual project:

Promoting healthier sleep by: reducing screen time before bed; keeping my phone away from my bed (very important); and trying to get 8hrs of sleep between respectable times. (This may seem like the regime of a child with controlling parents but it's literally baby steps for me to fix this right now).

Organise and run a prison creative art exhibition. This one has been in the works for some time now but will finally come to fruition at the end of the month. I just have to keep playing my part in the planning and be on hand to deliver a good show when we launch :)

I have no ideas for a third thing for June (unless you count trying to stay as informed as possible for the upcoming UK elections), but I'd rather focus on doing two things really well than three not done at all. Hopefully it's the solution to feeling you have nothing to do during summer, and consequently ending up having nothing to show for it come September.

As always, Days of Deep Work has been chuntering away in the background, although I'm starting to think I'm just documenting when I've had to do something rather than chosen to, which defeats the point of deep work. Regardless, it's a good record of my activities for the sake of this blog (I'll try to do it more consciously in future):

Recent highlights from 100dodw #43-#54

Reflective log assignment submission

Society socials

Course rep interview (got position renewed!)

VLE welcome space moderation

Prison resources and art exhibition planning

BPS textbook student review

[tippenfunkaport]

WIPs Status Update

I am fairly confident no one cares what I am up to, but I haven't done one of these in ages so I figured I should.

In Progress Fanfic

Outlaws of the Whispering Woods

This fic is on temporary hiatus because I'm working on finishing it as part of the @wipbigbang. Participation in that event means I can't update that fic again until the posting period starts on September 8th BUT that once that posting period begins, I should have both art for the new chapter as well as regular updates through November until the fic is done which should be exciting. 

That said, there is still like 60k ish to go in that story so if it looks like I'm not going to be able to get it all done in time, I might swap it out for the Chipped Glimmer fic which has also been languishing in WIP hell because it's shorter and easier for me to get done on time. I'd prefer to use the event as a kick in the pants to finish OotWW, though, so we'll see.

Prince Glowyn the Fourth

This fic is 100% complete at last, I just have one chapter left to post and will be doing that sometime within the next week.

Going There

Just about four years after I started it, Going There is finally done as well! (Literally just finished it today!) "Done" in this case means I finally rewrote the back end and filled in the missing connecty bits I never wrote the first time so everything's written, it's just going to take me an unknown quantity of time to edit and post each of the chapters. But less time than rewriting it all took so I expect those last few updates to come fairly regularly once I get them started.

Coming Home

I have always said that I wanted to wait to continue this fic until Going There was done so now that I have finally finished it, the sequel can get my attention more regularly again. That said, with everything going on with the WIP Bang, posting the rest of Going There, running the Big Bang and posting my own Bang fic (plus, like, all the other IRL stuff i have to do this summer), I really don't anticipate getting it updated anytime before the fall at the earliest and even then who knows.

Also, because this is my last in-progress canon fic I'm not in a huge rush to get it out there, I'd rather take my time with it, so I'm fine with that timeline. It'll get updated when it gets updated.

Area First Ones

In my head, this is episodic and while i have five chapters written, I have some things I want to add in between so it's not as simple as just cleaning and posting those. So basically, this one will be one of those fics I update when I update here and there with no set timeline other than my whims.

Coming Soon!

My Big Bang fic is called Horse Girl Everyone and it's the long awaited Riding School AU! 

That one is going to be longgggg and basically never-ending and episodic (seriously, we're over 50k words and while Catradora have been circling each other for chapters Glimmer and Bow literally only just met and you KNOW how I feel about Glimbow). I was hoping to write enough in advance that I could do some kind of regular update schedule at the start but because I'm also running the Bang and having some annoying medical stuff going on, I think that's not happening.

I've written a ton in advance, don't get me wrong, I just don't see myself having time to revise it all and post weekly with everything else going on. But we'll see!

Anything else?

Well, yeah, lots of stuff but it's not fandom related so I can't tell you about it. ;-) Though maaaaybe I might have the chance for some of you to help me beta some of my original stuff in the near future if you're willing so keep an eye out for that.

I'm trying to have less things in progress at once so, though I have other fanfic projects in various states of completion, I'm purposely not going to even think about posting any other multi-chaps until GT and OotWW are done. 

One shots and shorts? Yeah, I'll be throwing those up randomly as the mood strikes, you know how I roll. I'm eyeing up the Domaystic 2024 prompts to see which ones call to me right now.

So I have other stuff planned for later but I'm not even going to tease it because we'll see how everything shakes out.

This year has actually been absolutely horrible health wise but weirdly productive writing wise so it's been a mixed bag but at least nice to get some stuff done!

[jungle-angel]

Even More Farmcore Prompts

Well....I couldn't help myself, I didn't know what else to do for prompts but with summer winding down I'm saving all the cozy fall ones for September-November when it's cool (lol). Taking requests for Top Gun Maverick (any character), Outer Range, Bad Times At The El Royale, Catch 22 (Hulu), Salem's Lot and Press Play.

"I wanna see the sunflowers get as tall as this house"

"God this tractor is so old, I think we're gonna need to get rid of it soon"

"Wait, why are the cows loose?"

"You little demons better not be teasing that bull again!"

"We're gonna have more huckleberries than we know what to do with"

The old kitchen in the farmhouse and all the good stuff that's made there

Running a farm store with their s.o

Culling the orchards at harvest time

The farm dog helping his/her master

Fixing the scarecrow

Adopting new horses or animals

"God the piglet is turning into your little shadow isn't he?"

The baby trying to help with the chores.....again

A surprise visitor

"This is the absolute last time I'm duct taping your boots, you're getting a new pair as an early Christmas gift"

Chopping wood for fall

Helping the neighbors with their work

The kids running wild on the property

Their favorite critter

Closing up the barn for the night

"Have you ever delivered a calf or a foal before?"

Patrolling the farm at night for trouble

Making the farmhouse super cozy

Their first baby being born on the farm (or any of the children)

Gathering around the fireplace

Sunday dinner on the farm

Rocking chairs on the porch

Barn dance

Flying in a little crop duster plane

Fixing an old barn on the property and finding something amazing inside

Fresh made bread

"You and your dad make the best maple sugar candy I've ever had"

"What are we gonna do with a 10,000 pound backhoe?"

"I think we better sell some of the milk and eggs at the stand next week, the fridge is getting full"

"Darlin, there's more bunnies in the hutch pen!!"

"We have more wool than we know what to do with"

Skunks hiding under the porch but also following the farmer to help eat the pesky bugs

"I think we've got a storm comin"

The kids playing on an abandoned tractor or truck on the property

Old wives and farmer's tales

The kids making a tin can telephone to the other farm nearby where their friends live

Waking up on the farm

The kids playing in the hayloft

Sex in the hayloft (SMUT)

Staying up late and sitting on the porch to see if aliens will make crop circles in the fields

Making little walking trails all around the farm

Lying in the tall grass with their s.o after the chores are done

"I'd take a farmer's life over city life any day of the week"

"Leave your muddy boots at the door"

Moving the herd

[merrock]

HAPPY FIRST OF AUGUST!

We have officially entered the last full month of summer -- how hard is that to believe? In Merrock, that means yard sales and summer beach parties, and behind the scenes, it means that we start thinking about how to work in snowy plot drops and fun cold weather activities. Read on for our monthly mod post.

HAPPENING IN AUGUST!

yard sale / cruise-in (August 4-6) -- join us in the 'burbs, between Pizza Thyme, the community center and the yards of your suburban neighbors for a yard sale and classic/cool car cruise-in!

end of summer beach bash (August 25-26) -- one last hoorah before summer ends? don't mind if we do! we'll be having a big beach party the last weekend of August, complete with camping overnight!

AUGUST'S MINI-EVENTS!

lighthouse day (August 7) -- go visit Merrock's lighthouse to take a tour and visit.

first day of school (August 28) -- get the kiddos ready to go back to school!

EXTRA BIT OF FUN!

No new tasks this month (mods need a break!), so if you would like, check out the ones that already exist. For one month only, we will allow you to pick up any you didn't get to do before this, even if they are dated for another time.

IMPORTANT NOTES!

as usual, please read over our rules to be sure that you are familiar with expectations and policies of the group as a whole.

be mindful with your activity. please do not get caught in a bubble of replying only to the same few people with haste, please keep all of your characters equally active, try to keep your threads flowing and active. when doing starters, reply back to every reply. take the time to reply to starters. you know the drill.

make an effort to be inclusive & also to be included, meaning throw yourself into the fun! comment on ooc posts, reach out to someone you haven't written with. everyone should be equal parts important to our town, ooc and ic.

please understand that while we are your friends and fellow writers, we are also admins, it's our responsibility to run the group. occasionally, we will have to say and do things that you may not like, or may not agree with. the same way that we always respect and listen to you, as writers, we expect to receive that in return.

BEHIND THE SCENES!

game planning for 2024 has already started, with the calendar taking shape. we will be limiting events a little bit, and spacing things out more, to provide more time to enjoy them and hopefully encourage you to get involved.

however, 2023 isn't over yet. September will see a fun writing activity, but most importantly, the return of our fall festival, Creek Fest, which is always a good time around town.

we're changing up activity rules a bit -- the same rules will be in place (two weeks before unfollow, one week for warning, other inconsistences receive warnings), but checks will be done at our discretion, so as to avoid people only logging in right before, inconsistences all around, etc. this is a work in progress, as we are also brainstorming ways to be sure people are replying to a variety of writers, as well! but until we get all the details hammered out, in august, our big focus will be general activity, and therefore, more sporadic checks.

with the completion of our interest check, we will once again be accepting applications! we are still encouraging writers (new and old) to pick up wanted connections, as we really want to see some of these filled for you guys, so if you are considering a new character, please take a moment to see how they could fit in.

HAPPY AUGUST, MERROCKITES!

[lantur]

I have been in an epic slump since Tuesday :( I've felt exhausted and completely unmotivated/unfocused. Getting through work has been really hard, so I've adopted an approach of identifying my must-do tasks every day and focusing on those.

I've been trying hard to keep my head above water. I've cooked a couple of recipes I really enjoyed. I had some nice swims, runs, yoga, and fall color walks with Derek. I've been trying to do other things that make me happy, like watching things I enjoy and reading books during the evening/night, and spending time with Derek and Westin.

I just feel in a style rut too. I'm not happy with my clothes, or my hair (my current wig). I'm bored of the color, the texture, the style, and the length. I ordered a new wig earlier this week, and it should arrive tomorrow. I'm hoping it helps give me the style refresh I need.

I feel and look best in my ubiquitous summer outfit of running shorts and a t-shirt or workout tank top, but the weather is cooling down enough that I have to start wearing normal clothes again. Normal clothes make me feel 🔪 !!!!! It's hard for me to find non-athletic wear that fits correctly. I'm short (under five feet or 150 cm tall) and overall small. A lot of the fall/winter clothes I bought years ago, pre-pandemic, are too big for me now. :/ so I have to buy new things. I'm planning on thrifting what I can to help with reducing costs of the wardrobe refresh, since September was a really expensive month.

I have enough self-awareness to understand that my current unhappiness with how I look is a symptom, a little warning light, of larger things that are wrong with my life beneath the surface. My mom has still cut me out and didn't even wish me a happy anniversary. I don't think we're ever going to reconcile, since what she said when she decided to cut me off was so hurtful. I know what she really thinks of me now, you know? You can't necessarily come back from that.

My dad's health is stagnating on the best of days and slowly sliding downhill the rest of the time. He doesn't have the energy to talk to me for more than a couple of minutes at a time. It's painful to witness him literally, slowly dying, since there is no getting better or recovery at this stage of his cancer journey.

Meanwhile I keep going with work, preparing for two large educational events next week. It's hard. I keep doing the things I love, like cooking and working out and reading and being with loved ones.

It's all taking a toll on me and I'm wearing down. I think my current exhaustion and low mood and dissatisfaction with how I look is a reflection of the toll the situation with my parents has taken.

Getting new hair and new clothes and maybe getting my nails done this weekend won't help with any of that, but maybe it'll give me a little boost regardless. I'm just going to keep hanging in there.

[unforth]

Advanced warning that I'm not doing any year end memes cause I just don't have the bandwidth right now, so apologies to the folks I know already tagged me. BUT, I do annual resolutions in the Profound Bond Discord, and here's my status update from last year, and my goals for this year, in case anyone is actually curious.

End of year:

Personal Goals for 2021

I’d like to start running again: I did a little over the summer, and I've done yoga on and off all year, which is small progress but still progress?

Maybe try to lose a little weight: I lost 10 lbs! 30 to go to be where I want to be. I'm pleased with my progress tho.

I also want to try to finish my “deal with fatigue” goal from 2020: I got my ADHD diagnosis in May and say my PCP in June. She prescribed Concerta, which YES basically fixes my fatigue issues and it's so fucking nice to not be tired all the time of my fucking God guys.

Community Goals for 2021

Answering comments: basically a failure. Oh well.

Continue to support my friends’ creative efforts, maintain my side blogs and encourage others to create: among other things, I ran a challenge in May that resulted in over 100 fics being written! I ran two kink memes (the other just opened a few days ago), I ran 7 or 8 art blogs to support artists, and generally...fuck yeah done and done.

Creative Goals for 2021

Keep up my “post once a week": HAHAHAHAAAAA No. Not even counting blogging. Oh well.

Finish my two outstanding commission WIP (ideally by the end of January): noooooope.

Finish editing and finally fucking publish The Long Road: nope

Manage 15k words a month and 500k words for the year: extremely nope (I've had a really rough fall yall, sigh.)

Make my Super Secret Project a reality: ABSOLUTE SUCCESS. I started my own business, a book publisher called Duck Prints Press that works with fanfiction authors and artists to publish their original work! I considered this my most important 2021 goal and succeeding at it makes me extremely happy. Our first Kickstarter in July - August raised $25000 dollars, we got the book to backers in early November, and early reviews are very positive. Our next KS was supposed to launch today but my health didn't allow it, but we're gonna strive for mid-month instead. I'm very unhappy with how a lot of my personal 2021 went, specifically my writing, the rest I can live with, but knowing I actually did something this big, and still am, makes up for a lot.

So, mixed, I sacrificed a lot of my personal creative goals to make the business a success and ya know, I'm basically okay with it.

Onward to 2022:

Personal Goals

Get My Back Fixed: this is what fucked up my fall. I'm already working on this; I have an MRI in two days. So, odds my failing to at least make progress on this goal are zero. Here's hoping they can actually do something for me.

Keep losing weight: I got myself down from 195 to 183 last year. If I can end next year in the low 170s I'll call that a win; my actual goal is 150 to 155 but if I can do even 10 lb a year I'm fine with that, I can wait.

Exercise: considering they're gonna make me do PT for my back I think this one won't be a problem. Doesn't have to be running or a lot but if I can manage 10 minutes of something active three times a week I'll take it.

Study Chinese: I've been studying daily since September. I want to keep that up all year, and finish or at make significant progress on the book I'm translating (Sha Po Lang, it's 1400 pages, it's taken me 6 weeks to get half way through page 4, so finishing is...ambitious. but I'm trying to get up to a page a week which will help...)

Community Goals

Encourage Others to Create: really just keep doing what I'm doing. And I want to run May Trope Mayhem again. And I love my art side blogs, seeing so much art brightens my day. If possible I'd like to be a little more engaged/active in making the Kink Memes I run a success.

Keep Up the Destiel Archive: this was a goal last year too I just didn't list it for some reason. Just. Regular progress. I don't have a firm definition of that, and don't care, as long as I do SOMETHING that's enough.

Duck Prints Press: moving this to Community since my efforts mostly benefit others (I haven't taken a pay check...it's been a year...we'll get there...). Publish 4 anthologies and at least one novel by our authors. (The anthologies shouldn't be a problem...the novel might be...not for lack of content, I just need time to edit.)

Creative Goals

Ready for my crazy goal? This is my crazy goal. Post every day: I know. And if I don't keep it up 365 that's okay as long as I start strong. I have GOT to start working on my personal creative stuff again. Not doing so is killing me. Anything. A drabble. A sentence. Idc. I must write.

Work on WIP: any of them. I just want fewer wip at the end of 2022 as I have at the start.

Make Progress on The Long Road: again. Anything. Forward motion.

Post One Art Piece a Month: I was managing this through the fall so...even just a doodle, as long as I'm arting.

Fibercraft: any, but ideally the cosplay I want to do.

[jjmaybanksbaby]

Where It Leads (Rafe Cameron)

Summer III

Part 05: With Some Other Girl

series masterlist | previous part

summary: Rafe’s actions surprised you when there’s no awkwardness lingering from last summer.

a/n: New summer new drama!! We're more than halfway through this series and I might post the final two parts within a week so be on the lookout! That's all! Enjoy part five xx

word count: 2.2k words

Nowhere on the East or West coast did seafood quite like The Wreck. During your summers in the Outer Banks, you made sure that practically every other meal consisted of their to-die-for shrimp or amazing crab. For your birthday, back in October, your mom had even looked into getting food from The Wreck shipped to you before realizing that might have been a stretch.

You waited at the bar for the girl with the curly golden brown hair, and especially kind eyes, to return from the kitchen with your order. The smells of the food cooking made your mouth water.

A boy, who looked about your younger brother's age slide onto the bar stool next to you. His dirty blond hair fell into his eyes, clearly in need of a good haircut.

"Leave the customers alone, JJ." The girl set a paper bag with your food down in front of you, grease staining the bottom.

"I wasn't even doing anything, Kie," JJ protested.

"You're total's $40.53. Do you need a receipt?" She asked, taking your mom's card from your outstretched hand.

"I'm JJ, by the way." He held out his hand for you to shake but the girl - Kie, was it? - smacked it away.

"She's way out of your league, idiot. Sorry about him," she said turning to you.

You smiled at the both of them, their playfulness reminding you of your own friends from back home. "Nice to meet you, JJ." You picked up your bag of food, turning to leave.

"She was so into me." You heard JJ whisper to Kie as you walked to the front door.

"No way, is that y/n?" You froze, a few steps away from the exit, knowing exactly who that voice belonged to. "Hey," Rafe called again. "Get over here."

You'd been back in the Outer Banks a total of three days. You definitely hadn't been planning on seeing Rafe Cameron so soon. Well, after how last summer had ended, you hadn't really been counting on seeing him at all.

You spun on your heel, plastering on your best fake smile, and headed in the direction of Rafe's voice.

It's okay. Act casual. He's just an old friend. There doesn’t have to be any weirdness. You said to yourself, trying to calm your nerves.

Rafe was seated in a corner booth at the back of the restaurant, his arm slung over Phoebe’s shoulder who, herself, was sitting practically in his lap. Her expression looked especially irate at the fact that you were interrupting their - what was going on exactly? A date?

"Uh, hey guys," you said, approaching their table.

"Y/n!" Rafe repeated. "You're back for the summer?"

"Yeah, we got in a few days ago.”

"How are you? How's the boyfriend?"

Why the fuck was Rafe asking about Evan? You wondered, your eyes narrowing trying to gather some explanation from Rafe's face.

"We actually broke up. Last September. He hasn't been my boyfriend for a while." Correction, you'd gone back to Oregon and hadn't stopped thinking about Rafe, for the second year in a row. It didn't seem fair to Evan so you’d tried to let him down gently, the week before auditions for the fall musical no less. It became pretty clear how torn up about it he was when he started crying during the monologue portion of his audition and the tears weren't the kind you forced out solely for a performance.

"How sad," Phoebe said, turning her lip down in a fake pout making it clear she couldn't care less.

You just smiled back at her, not wanting to give any kind of validation. You could feel Rafe eyes on you.

"Okay, well, I guess I'll see you around." You turned to leave. Your mom was waiting outside in the car, probably wondering what was taking so long.

"I hope so," Rafe replied.

☼☼☼

You blinked your eyes open, adjusting to the bright sunlight filling the room. You rubbed the sleep from them, yawning.

Holy shit. This was definitely not your bedroom; this was Rafe's room. The events of last night came rushing back, the morning bless falling away.

You'd run into Cleo at the grocery store after your mom had sent you to get an onion she needed for dinner. Cleo had been buying chasers for Sawyer's my-parents-aren't home-and-they-left-the-liquor-cabinet-unlocked party and invited you. And you went. Which was probably the first mistake of the night.

Rafe had greeted you at the door with the kind of smile that screamed "I don't even remember our fight last summer." You'd opted to ignore the white powder under his nose, likely the reason for his bloodshot eyes.

The party had run dry after a few hours so Rafe offered to grab some more from his house since his whole family was in the Bahamas house for the weekend. You’d went with him because what the hell. The night hadn’t even been the least bit awkward. Mistake number two.

You sat on the Cameron's island counter as Rafe riffled through the cabinet, trying to decide which bottle Ward was least likely to notice was missing.

"Do you trust me?" He’d asked.

That was a loaded question but you’d nodded your head yes. He'd pushed your knees apart, stepping in between your legs like that's where he belonged.

"Tilt your head back," he'd instructed and you had.

Rafe uncapped the bottle of Malibu, pouring it straight into your mouth. He’d hummed with satisfaction as you swallowed the liquid. Your eyes locked as he ran a thumb up your neck and over your chin, whipping away the bit that had spilled before he brought your lips to meet his. It was by far the hottest thing anyone had ever done.

The kiss had tasted salty and coconutty, like the drink he had just poured into your mouth. He moved his other hand to your hip, pulling you in closer.

You'd only broken apart to fumble your way upstairs and into his room, shedding your clothing on the way, your lips finding each other's again and again, kissing like there was some ticking clock counting down the seconds.

You remembered the way Rafe's name had tumbled off your lips with his hand between your thighs. How his blue eyes held yours as he pushed into you. The sweet praises that he whispered into your ears as the both of you came underdone together. The way it all felt so fucking right, like the universe apologizing for the last two summers.

You hadn't meant to fall asleep, to spend the night in Rafe Cameron's bed but he'd wrapped his arm around you and your head fell to rest on his chest and sleep just came.

You kept your movements slow afraid of creaky floorboard as you slipped out of his bed. Sneaking out without Rafe waking up was sure to be the path of less resistance. Hadn't last night been a drunken mistake?

Your shorts had landed next to the bed and your bra was hanging from the door handle, the irony of that wasn't lost on you.

Rafe cleared his throat. "Good morning," he said. Oh, shit. So he was awake.

"I was just looking for my shirt," you replied.

The Cameron's front door opened with a bang. Cole and Milo's voices filled the house seconds later.

"Dude," Cole hollered. "Who'd you fuck last night? Some chick's panties are on your staircase."

Rafe's eyes meet yours and he leaped out of his bed. "Linen closet," he hissed, pulling open the door of the hallway closet and pushing you inside. "Stay here."

His footsteps echoed as he rushed down the stairs, stopping at the bottom to pick up your underwear and shove them in his back pocket.

"I need a fucking boat day," Rafe said to the boys. "I'm hungover as fuck. Can you go see if the Yeti coolers' in the garage? I think Ward brought it up from the boat last time."

"Uhh, yeah, sure," Milo answered. "C'mon Cole."

The sounds of their chatter disappeared and Rafe ran back up the stairs, pulling open the closet. "Okay, the coast is clear."

"Rafe, should we...uh...you know...talk about it?"

"What's there to talk about?" He asked back.

"Right," you answered unsure if you really believed that casual sex with Rafe Cameron was a possibility. "Can I have my underwear back?"

He shrugged, a smirk growing on his lips. "Nah, I think I'm gonna hold onto them. For safekeeping." What kind of bullshit patriarchal move was that? He looked over his shoulder to the lower level. "Milo and Cole will be back any second, you should probably go."

☼☼☼

You silently thanked your yesterday-self for having left your window unlocked just in case. You closed it quietly behind you and dove into your bed. The door to your bedroom swung open seconds later.

"Why are you still in bed y/n? I told you yesterday that we were going dress shopping for Midsummers today at noon. It’s less than a week away. Get up, please," your mom said.

"Sorry, mom. I'll meet you downstairs in ten."

"Hurry up." She pulled the door closed behind her as she left your room.

You breathed a sigh of relief, throwing off the covers you had hicked up to your neck to hide last night's outfit. Shit, had you really slept with Rafe Cameron? And then he brushed it off like it wasn't going to change things? As if whatever was going between the two of you couldn't get more complicated.

☼☼☼

The light bounced off the three-way mirror you were standing in front of, making the bedding on the dress sparkle.

"Turn around," your mother instructed. Apparently, this year's Midsummers’ theme was Hollywood Glamour like it was the fucking Met Gala or something so she'd been forcing you and in out of red dresses for the past hour and a half. "I really like this one y/n. The bow is so cute."

You resisted rolling your eyes. The bow was hideous, plus the high-low skirt screamed middle school dance. The bedding was itchy and you’d hardly had the dress on for five minutes.

The front door chimed announcing a new customer and Phoebe's figure appeared in the reflection of the mirror.

"I'm gonna go try on a different one, mom," you said, trying to duck into the changing room before Phoebe had the chance to see you.

"Wait, wait wait." Your mom grabbed your hips pulling you back in front of the mirror. "I just think this looks perfect on you, sweetie. Look," she stepped behind you, using one hand to twist your hair up into a makeshift updo. "you can wear your hair pinned up like this and we can get you a sparkly headband. It'll be gorgeous.”

You definitely weren't wearing any kind of a headband based on the fact that you weren't twelve anymore but, more important, you needed to get out of Phoebe’s line of sight like now. "Yeah, okay, mom. That sounds fine. We can get it then."

"Aw, honey. Do you not like it?" She asked, cocking her head to the side. "Cause we can try a different score. Even though this is the only dress store for thirty miles," she mumbled under her breath.

Phoebe glanced over from the front counter, her eyes meeting yours in the mirror. Your mother's voice became muffled as panic rose in your chest. You hadn't even thought about it last night but now all you could remember was Phoebe with Rafe's arm wrapped around her at The Wreck.

Phoebe abandoned her position at the front of the store, walking over to you.

"Hi y/n!" She started, her voicer reaching an octave that screamed fake niceties. "You must be y/n's mom. You two couldn't look anything more alike." That was a lie. You and your mom couldn't look more different. It was your older sister who was practically your mother’s clone.

God, what game was Phoebe playing?

"Oh my gosh.” She took half a step closer forcing you to notice the couple inches she had on you. "Is this your dress for Midsummers? It's so cute," she said, somehow managing to pronounce cute with two syllables.

Another lie. The dress was terrible.

"I'm just picking up my dress too. Custom-made." Phoebe flashed a smile to your mom. "I'm trying to talk Rafe into getting a matching bow-tie but he refuses. Boys," she giggled.

Shhe must have registered the look of surprise on your face. "Oh, did he not tell you we were going together? I wouldn't take it personally. We've been going together since freshman year. It's tradition at this point."

The saleswoman returned from the back of the store, a garment bag in her hand. "Well, I've gotta run. See you around!" She pranced off, her vanilla perfume lingering in the air.

"She seems nice. I'm so glad you're making friends here, honey.”

"Oh, yeah. She’s the best." If your mom heard the sarcasm in your voice, she chose to ignore it. "I'm going to try on the black one," you huffed, heading back into the changing room.

It wasn't like going with Rafe to Midsummers was in the realm of possibilities anyway, so why was it bothering you so much that he was taking Phoebe? Either way, there was nothing stopping you from making Rafe wish it was you on his arm instead. Petty wasn’t usually your style but something about the memory of Rafe’s lip on your neck being fresh in your mind made all rational thoughts go out the window. Game on Phoebe.

taglist! @oreoenthusiast13 [drop a ☀️ in my inbox or messages if you want to be added]

[thesassenachswiftie]

Lover Chapter 7: “Afterglow”

Read on AO3

Chapter 1 // Chapter 2 // Chapter 3 // Chapter 4 // Chapter 5 // Chapter 6

Summary: A chance meeting at a football game from Jamie's perspective, and what happens under the bleachers.

Notes: Thanks so much for reading and all your kind comments on the last chapter! I promise we're almost "Out of the Woods" as far as angst goes (for now).

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter 7: Afterglow

Jamie’s heart was still aching a month after Claire left him. However, his pride kept him from reaching out to her. The truth is, he’d forgiven everything she’d done and everything she could do long before that day. For him, that was no choice. That was falling in love. He threw himself into his work on the farm and his family. Helping Jenny with meals, driving the children to various practices and scout meetings, helping Ian with the unending harvest September brought.

On this particular Friday evening, Jamie found himself at his nephew Ian’s homecoming game. He tried to pay attention to the game, but he really couldn’t wrap his head around the complexities of American football. It was so stop-and-go--what exactly was a ‘down’? It reminded him of battle maps of the Rising he’d seen in a history textbook when he was in high school in Scotland. Naturally, his thoughts drifted to Claire. As the cold September air wrapped around him, he felt it was fitting. His heart had been cold, frozen without Claire’s light and love for the past month. He could have buttoned his jacket, but what was the point of feeling warm?

He didn’t even realize it was half time, until he heard the marching band start playing.  Everything around him was bright and alive, he felt like an island, detached from his surroundings, drifting in the waves. In truth he’d been living like an island all month. He decided to get some snacks to distract himself. He hadn’t sat like this without a distraction all month. At least with Kitty’s soccer games he could focus on the game. Here, where the game was an enigma to him, he needed a task to deter his restless mind.

           “I’m going to go get something to eat, anyone want anything?” he asked his family.  A barrage of orders came at him from his nieces and nephews, and he recited them back--intentionally messing up their orders (much to their amusement) before correcting himself and making his way up the bleachers.

           It was on his way back down that he spotted an unmistakable mop of curly brown hair and almost dropped the snacks he just shelled out twelve American dollars for. Sassenach. His heartbeat immediately picked up to match the beat of the marching band. God, she was beautiful, but she looked so fragile there, cold and alone, head down, wearing a muted blue grey jacket that seemed to match the air around her. He suddenly realized how stupid he’d been all month to ignore her. He’d punished her with silence. How many times had he typed a text to her only to erase it without pressing send? How many times had he pulled up her contact but couldn’t press the call button? Now seeing her like this, she looked so utterly broken. It was excruciating to see her so low. Had his own pride allowed him to do this to her? I blew things out of proportion now you’re blue. He wanted to wrap her up until he saw that beautiful spark light up her face again. He just wanted to lift her up and not let her go. Before he knew it he was beside her, “Claire?”

           “Hi Jamie, fancy seeing you here!” He had no idea how to reply, it was as if he had gone mute. He just stared into those whiskey eyes that looked so full of sorrow. He almost started to reach out to her, forgetting the concessions he was holding. Luckily, she offered to help him carry them and before he knew it they were headed down the bleachers together.

           When she agreed to sit with him his heart was soaring. If simply sitting next to her was all he could have for the rest of his life, it would be enough. I don’t wanna lose this with you. They were actually able to talk and even flirt a bit as she tried to watch the game, but his eyes couldn’t leave her. He felt so comfortable with her, they just seemed to fit together effortlessly. She was so close he could smell her shampoo, something herbal that he couldn’t quite pin down. It wasn’t fruity or overpoweringly floral like some women he had met in his life--it suited her. Having her there, inches from her made him feel bold. He formulated a plan in his head to get her alone, he needed to be closer to her, but not with his entire family right there.

           He had ended his bold, flirtatious exchange by winking to make it abundantly clear what he was asking her. She had seemed responsive. Her face lit up like it had so many times over the summer they shared. He was starting to sweat despite the chill in the air pacing underneath the away team’s bleachers as he waited for her. How long should he wait? What if she wasn’t coming? What if she saw this opportunity to leave again? It’s all me, Claire, just don’t go, please, come to me mo nighean donn.

           After what seemed like an eternity, she came to him. He heard her feet soft on the gravel, approaching him in the dark. He saw his opportunity, and met her, taking her in his arms as soon as he could, ready to take her mouth as he had imagined so many times in the past month.  How many times had he imagined kissing her again? How many times had he tried to recreate their last night together—conjuring the thought of pinning her hands behind her back and making love to her in the soft light of their hotel bed.  He wished he had committed every moment to memory, not knowing it could have been their last. None of that mattered now, his Sassenach had returned to his arms--but just like that, she was gone again running away--but he wouldn’t let her go this time. Don’t walk away. He pulled her back and set her straight. Poor, beautiful, broken, Claire collapsed before him. He sat with her, trying to calm and comfort her, when she could speak, she confessed she was afraid.  

           “Claire, there now, what are you scared of?”

           “I don’t wanna--I don’t wanna do this to you” she sobbed, choking out the words.

           “Claire, what are you talking about?” he could see the pain on her face and he needed to explain, needed to say his piece. “I’m to blame Claire, I see your pain, I should’ve come after you, I shouldn’t have let you leave.”

           “He, it’s all me, in my head. I’m the one who burned us down. I just tried to leave you again, but it’s not what I meant. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know if we can put this back together. I don’t know what’s going to happen to us.”

           “Is this it? Chemistry ‘til it blows up, ‘til there’s no us? Is that what you want?” He placed his thumb under her chin, lifting her head so their eyes could meet. She didn’t look away. “Claire, please just tell me what you want.” Tell me that I’m all you want.

           “I--I don’t know what I want. I thought I did, but now--” she paused. Jamie could tell she was thinking, and let her mind work as he stared into her beautiful amber eyes. Claire could see her pain reflected in his own eyes. She couldn’t bring herself to look at him a month ago in the car, she knew now if she had she would have seen it then too.  He was just as broken as she was. Why’d I have to break what I love so much? Her tears started flowing freely again. “Oh Jamie, I put you in jail for something you didn’t do. I’m sorry that I hurt you. How can you ever forgive me? After all I’ve done--how can we be just fine, how can we be together?”

           “I forgive you, I’ve forgiven you. I swear to it, I wanted to text you, to call you. I let my pride get in the way. I just need to know, Claire, I need to know where your heart’s at now. Tell me that you’re still mine. I need to hear you say it.”  

           Claire realized in that moment that she was fighting with true love. It was like boxing with no gloves--futile, hopeless and most of all painful. She couldn’t keep herself from him no matter how hard she tried.  I thought I had reason to attack, but no. What did she want? She wanted him. She wanted him to be the one by her side, the one she told when she finally got into a residency program. The one to celebrate life’s victories big and small. The one to be there as she put her life together. She knew she couldn’t put it back together without him. He had bared himself to her, and she knew he wasn’t going to let her get away with silence. It was her turn to share her feelings. “Jamie, I want to be with you. More than I’ve ever wanted anything. It terrifies me, but I can’t help it. I’m drawn to you; I can’t explain it”

           Jamie’s hand was still on her face, thumb stroking her cheek, as she spoke, he took her hand in his other hand, entwining their fingers together. Something about this moment told him this love was worth the fight. “Aye, Sassenach, I feel it too. I don’t ken what it is, but I think we’re meant to honor it.” Claire nodded in agreement. They had been drawing in closer to one another as apologies and declarations were made in the dark. Each moment they shared under the bleachers, their faces inched closer together. “Claire, I would very much like to kiss you” he whispered, “May I?”

           “Yes” came her breathless reply.

           Instantly, their mouths were joined. Slowly, tentatively they reacquainted their lips before opening to each other fully. Tongues finding their way back between open lips, teeth finding their way to lower lips. All the pent-up passion of the last month culminated into one enduring kiss.

           Claire finally managed to pull away, realizing where they were. For a moment, they basked in the afterglow of their reunion, meeting again after a painful month of separation, each living a half life. “Jamie,” she panted, slightly out of breath, “take me home.”

           “As ye wish, Sassenach.” he replied, rising to help her to her feet and slipping his arm firmly around her and kissing the side of her head as he led her to the car.

End Notes: This chapter actually has two complete iterations. I orginally wrote it as "Me!" and it worked pretty well, I was actually pretty proud of myself for using such a catchy pop song for such an emotionally weighty chapter. However, as I started to write Chapter 8, I realized "Afterglow" didn't fit after they'd already hashed everything else out. The title really threw me, because we're "meeting in the Afterglow" in the future, but the lyrics hold the emotional weight. I think I'll post the "Me!" chapter as an outtake in case anyone wants to read it, since I am pretty proud of it. Stay tuned for that later.

Thanks again for reading!

[nancypullen]

IT'S AUGUST!

You guys, we're just a short walk to the "ber" months! If this month zips by like the last couple, we'll be smack dab in September before we know it! I love that. I 'm not wishing my life away, but I sure am wishing this summer away. With Tennessee still at a 30-something percent vaccination rate, we haven't really gone anywhere or done anything. No baseball games, no festivals, no fun. Sure, we're vaccinated but that shot is meant to keep us from severe COVID, hospitalization, and death. I don't want it at all. I've got friends who had it, never ended up in the hospital, but months later are still battling symptoms. No thanks. Soooo, on Saturday night we got real fancy and picked up a sack of Taco Bell and went to the drive-in to see Jungle Cruise. The movie was bad, but the company was excellent and the nachos were delicious. No regrets.

What can I say? I'm a cheap date. Before I forget- I've had some questions about the refrigerator pickles. Yes, they were a success. When the first jar was ready for the frig I had the mister taste one and critique the flavor. He said there wasn't enough of a vinegar bite. I added an extra tablespoon of vinegar to each jar and after that he deemed them perfect. In fact, he's enjoyed them so much that he's mowed through the whole batch (4 jars). Today I'll be picking and pickling some more. After that I may pull up the cucumber plants. They're starting to look like they've lived a good life. Besides, IT'S AUGUST. We're nearly finished with summer! Can I get an amen? The bell peppers still have plenty of production time, I've had a pretty good crop and there are still lots of baby peppers on the plants. I'll give them a stay of execution for now. I've been at my desk making cards again. No special occasions, just nonsense.

Today I plan to make one for someone special who is battling health issues and maybe a couple of back-to-school cards for teacher friends. It would be kinder just to send them haz-mat suits. That's it, you're all caught up on the fast-paced life we're living - drive-ins, pickles, and paper crafts. In about three weeks we'll mask up and FLY to Baltimore. This will be the first time I've been on a plane since February of 2020. Holy cow! Eighteen months feels like a lifetime. Anyway, we've got a meeting with a builder, we plan to visit a couple more towns that we missed the first time we went exploring, and hopefully, HOPEFULLY make a final decision of some sort - even if it's just agreeing on a spot. We've had zoom meetings with the builder and have been going over floorplans and options - I'm still not convinced it's our wisest choice. I'd love a sparkling new home with hand-picked finishes, but there are a lot of hidden costs. We built this house in 1999 and it was all pretty straight forward and we knew exactly what we were getting for our sale price. This time around everything is an "option". Oh, you want a light above the kitchen island? That's another $800. What's that, you want steps to the front porch? We can do that for $1800. Every extra window is $500 or more, and (surprise!) most rooms only have one. The optional stone fireplace is $7,000. They don't sound like much one at a time, but added together it's a bundle. Buying finishes through the builder is very convenient, but far more costly. The same granite or quartz kitchen counters the builder will install are a thousand dollars more than Lowe's or Home Depot - the very same granite! And you know darn well that the builder is buying them at a contractor's price. The catch is that you must have a countertop in order to close. So if you have them install a basic laminate and choose to replace it with granite of your choosing, then you're paying the new installers extra to remove and haul away the laminate that you didn't want in the first place. Ugh. We've also remembered that we are not HOA people. The neighborhood we are considering is really lovely - it sits on a golf course (we don't golf) and has a community pool, fitness center, etc. Of course, there's a fee for all of that. That fee also includes trash pickup and lawn maintenance. Mickey would never mow again! He likes that. BUT, and for me this is a big but, they control every shrub or tree you might want to plant. No trees with a trunk diameter over 12 inches. They also hit you for $650 every January for maintenance of water and sewer. They're on public sewer and water, so I'm not sure what that covers. Of course, we can always purchase a lot elsewhere and build on that, but odds are that would entail having a well and septic put in and I am not a fan of that at all. The allure of building is that we could control the timeline (pretty much). If we broke ground in September or October could list our house in the spring and make our move. That gives us time to book a moving company and have a schedule that doesn't create panic. Our other options are to keep scouring real estate and jump on a house that meets our needs, list our house, close on our house and the new house in a timely manner, cross our fingers we can hire a reputable moving company on short notice, and drive to Maryland with two cats...or...list our house, close, hire a moving company, drive to Maryland with two cats, put everything in storage, rent a place until we find what we love, then hire movers again to get everything from storage to the new place. I'll be honest, the worst part of both scenarios is the idea of driving with two cats. They may have to be drugged. I'm currently liking this house in Ocean Pines. It's a little wonky-looking, but the interior and the lot are appealing (that dappled shade is perfect for hydrangeas!). I'm crazy about that screened room. https://www.homesnap.com/homes/for_sale/MD/Ocean-Pines/p_(21,21266)/c_38.381705,-75.146285/z_12/m_7,107492455 I've

already decorated it in my mind. It's 5 miles from the beach, the community has 5 pools ( 1 indoor), tennis courts, pickleball courts, walking trails, playgrounds, etc. No hidden fees. Every Saturday there's a farmer's market, and everything we'd need from a good hospital to Home Goods is nearby. The biggest drawback is that it's two hours from the grandgirl. Two hours is much better than our current eleven hours but that's definitely not the easy drop-in we'd hoped for. Arrgh! They'll just have to move. Ha! Alright, I've dumped my brain out on here and I'll leave you to pick through the mess and make sense of it. I have to run out to mail a box, then I'll feed the mister, fold some laundry, and make a couple cards. That's kind of a terrific Tuesday. No complaints from me. Besides, we're now just 89 days from Halloween! The stores have had fake pumpkins out since mid-July, they know the way to my heart. One more reason not to buy a lot outside of a neighborhood- no trick-or-treaters! Can you imagine if this was to be my last official Halloween? Tragedy! Gotta' run. Stay safe. stay well, and be kind to each other. XOXO, Nancy

[ms-rampage]

Eden's Gate: Kidnapped Chapter 16 - The News, The Crash

It's the penultimate before the series finale.

word count: 3k+

Warnings: Swearing, some light smut, some angst, some fluff, mild violence, kidnapping, a huge fucking reveal/plot twist. Paige (Dean) and Kate (Sam) have a Supernatural moment.

Paige heard everything Kate had said to John, she knows how much Kate loves him, and she never understood why she loved him so much after everything he has done not only to her but to the locals.

She thinks Kate is better off dating Wheaty, or some of the younger non psychopathic, non Seed guys/girls that live in Hope County. She continues to hear their conversation from outside the kitchen.

“So you really do care about me?” he asks.

She nods her head, “Yes”. 

“But I can’t be with you” she adds.

He looks at her like she just said no to his marriage proposal. 

She has tears rolling down her cheeks, her hot tears rolling down her cold cheeks.

“I understand” he responds,

She wasn’t expecting that to be his response. 

“On that February day, 2 years ago, you were walking your dog Haley. You walked past Falls End church, and I fell in love with you immediately, and I still remember what you were wearing. You were wearing a black, and green flannel shirt, gray jeans, black boots, your hair was down. Haley’s leash and collar were purple”

Kate’s eyes widened, she can’t believe John remembered what she wore that day, and let alone the color of Haley’s leash and collar. 

“You drove past the church in your black 70 Monte Carlo, I yelled out “Nice car”, and you said thank you, followed by a honk of your horn, I sent you flowers, and gifts because I wanted to somehow win you over because that’s how much I wanted you, and I still do. I saved your from that asshole who tried to rape you, and that drunk asshole from the Spread Eagle”.

Kate remembers all those days, she feels like a complete cunt for doing this to John. Yeah he fucking tortured people for their sins but that’s no excuse for her to be with him.

Yeah, he treated her well, he took care of her, he spoiled the hell out of her, he was there when she needed him, and she was there when he needed her. They both took care of each other, he loved her, he was crazy about her.

But he still forced people to join the cult, to confess, atone, and baptism. She hid a lot of her secrets about herself from him, because she didn’t want to scare him off.

When Merihem attacked her friends on their camping trip, she knew it was a demon when her friend Alissa said “A man with blackened eyes”. 

Her friend Dylan said the exact same thing. She accidentally let out that information about her in front of John. She knew she had to tell him about her past, whether or not he believed her.

Paige walks away from the kitchen, and goes upstairs to her room. Kenny walks in holding Cristina, asking her “Hey, you okay?” 

She nods her head, “Yeah, I was just-just over hearing Kate and John’s conversion in the kitchen”. 

He sits next to her, “And?”.

“He’s in love with her. Still. He remembered what she wore the day he first saw her, the color of her dog's collar, and leash. Everything he did for her, how he protected her from some rapist, and a drunk fuck”.

She sighs into her hands.

“So what are we gonna do about John?” he asks.

“We’ll keep him here, until I figure out a plan” she responds. 

“Which is?” he asks, uncertain 

“I don’t know. I know his henchmen are gonna come, and find him. I know that already”

They stay silent for a few minutes.

“Unless, tomorrow is Saturday, and Joseph has sermons on Sundays. Because if John doesn’t show up. Joseph is gonna be concerned why John isn’t there. And we just kill them all” she says.

“That’s a good plan, but I think we should really think it through” he tells her.

“Yeah, you're right” she responds.  

A few hours later, it's after 9PM, and John is still tied to a chair in the kitchen. 

Paige walks in, and sees him.

“Ooh, I forgot you were still here” she says to him. As she goes into the fridge

He mimics her as a response. 

Shortly after Mandy walks in.

“Hey” she says, with something clearly bothering her. 

She’s holding a white envelope. 

“Is Kate around?” she asks. 

“She went outside” John mumbles, through his gag.

“Thank you” she responds. 

“Well I want everyone to be here, when I say this” she says.

“What’s wrong?” Paige asks.

“I want everyone here” she says again.

“Kenny!!!!, Kate!!!!!, Guys!!!! Come to the kitchen!!!!” Paige yells out.

“What!?!?!” Martin yells from behind her, making her jump.

“You dick” she laughs.

Everyone comes downstairs, and Kate comes back inside.

“What’s going on?” she asks.

“Mom, has something to say to us” she says.

“Well actually Paige this is about you” she says

Paige looks at her confused. 

Mandy holds out the white envelope to her, and says. 

“I’m sure Jacob mentioned to you that he was in the Army” she says.

“Yeah, he was in dad’s unit in Iraq, they knew each other. He went on to insulting him, and calling him a coward and shit” she says.

Mandy looks down at the floor, “Open it” she says softly, slightly pointing to the envelope.

Paige opens the envelope, pulling out black and white photos.

The first face she sees is her dad Joel, next to him is a few guys, and a young Jacob Seed.

“Is that dad, and Jacob?” she asks. 

She flips the photo over, and reads “Iraq 11/1990” on the back.

Kate, Kenny, and all the guys stand behind her trying to get a glimpse at the photos.

The next photo she pulls out is one of Joel, and Jacob from what it looks like outside of a barracks in the desert. 

She flips the photo over, and “Iraq 10/1990” is written on the back.

The next photo is of Joel, Jacob and she can’t really tell what the name says but she’s sure it says Miller walking down a desert road in their full Army desert gear with assault rifles.

The back of the photo says “Iraq 01/1991”.

Everyone is looking over her shoulders, trying to get a glimpse of the photos.

Hell John is trying to seek a peek while tied to the chair.

“I mean yeah, dad and Jacob worked together in the Gulf War but that doesn’t really change everything” she says, tossing the photos on the kitchen table. 

Allowing John to have a look at them. 

Mandy grabs the envelope and pulls out a piece of paper. 

“Your dad also wrote a letter to Jacob, after he was discharged from the Army, both of them were at the same military hospital in Georgia. Your dad was able to leave before Jacob. Your dad moved in with me and my family, we got married in summer of 1992, we bought our first house a few months later. We even invited Jacob to the wedding but I guess he wasn’t able to make it. When I was pregnant with you Paige, your father wrote another letter to Jacob in September of 1994. This one is a copy but he should’ve gotten the original one” 

She hands her the letter, she unfolds it, and reads it.

To Jacob Seed 

I'm not sure if you'll get this letter, I was told you were still at the military hospital where we were staying when we were discharged.

I hope you're doing well, I know you're not the same man from before we went to Iraq.

Neither am I. I still get night terrors, I have PTSD and insomnia, I hope you get reunited with your brothers, I remember you used to talk about them a lot, Joseph and John right?. Well the reason why I'm writing to you is I really hope you're doing well, I hope you get reunited with your brothers and I also want to say that Mandy is pregnant, we're having a girl and I wanted to ask if you want to be her Godfather? Because you were always like a brother to me, we've both been through Hell and back, we've had our share with our personal demons, and all the shit we went through in that desert Hell. I hope to hear from you. Best regards

Sincerely Joel Winchester written 9/17/1994

Paige slowly folds the paper back into a square, tears falling from her face.

Just by the tears falling from her eyes, John wants to know what was said about his older brother from that letter. 

Paige tries to even out her breathing, Kenny is holding her from behind, trying to relax her.

“Jacob-Jacob was-was supposed to be my-my Godfather??” she asks, tears making her choke on her words.

Mandy nods with tears running down her face.

John is looking back and forth at Mandy and Paige. “Wait. wait!!” he mumbles.

Kate takes the gag out of his mouth.

“Hold on, my brother was supposed to be her Godfather?!?!?!!?” he asks, pointing his towards Paige. 

“Yes” Mandy answers softly.

Paige hasn’t said anything, too in shock to comprehend the man who tortured her for months, insulted her father, who he worked with during the war, and supposed to be her Godfather!!.

Her whole world was turned upside down by a piece of paper her dad wrote before she was even born.

“Paige you okay?” Kate asks.

“Honey you alright?” Kenny asks.

Paige’s mind goes blank, everything is happening too fast. Then it hit.

She had the sudden urge to vomit, she runs to the bathroom, and retched into the toilet. 

“I don’t know if she told you already but she’s pregnant” Mandy says to Kenny.

“What?!?!” he says, in shock. He goes to the bathroom, and knocks on the door.

“Paige? Honey you okay?” he asks through the door.

“Yeah” she wheezes out, before vomiting again.

“Your mom just told me you’re pregnant, is that true?” 

“Yes” she says, before vomiting again. 

Tears run down his cheek, he leans against the wall next to the bathroom door.

After a couple minutes, the toilet flushes, and the door opens.

Paige steps out looking a little pale, and red at the same time. 

“You okay?” he asks again.

She nods her head, “Yeah”.

She wraps her arms around him, hugging him tightly.

He kisses the top of her head.

Kate unties John from the chair, Paige and Kenny walk into the kitchen as she does this.

“What are you doing?” she asks Kate.

“We’re not really gonna leave him like this all night are we?” she asks.

“I wasn’t planning on it but I was okay with it” she says, sarcastically.

“Love you too Paige” John says, in a sassy tone.

“Yeah, don’t say those words to me” she says, hands on her hips.

“He can sleep in my room” Kate says, somewhat hesitantly.

 Paige gives her a stern look “Umm no he isn’t”.

“Umm yes he is” she sasses back.

“Fine,” she says, putting her hands up in defeat. 

“I’m too pregnant to be arguing with you about this” she says before she leaves the kitchen to go upstairs.

Kate rolls her eyes in annoyance, and says to John.

“She said the same thing when she was pregnant with Cristina”.

30 minutes later, everyone is getting ready to go to bed.

John, who doesn’t have any extra clothes, sleeps in his boxers.

Kate has her back to the man she onced loved, and is gonna share her bed with him one last time. 

She feels his weight on the bed next to her, his hand runs up her back.

Sending shivers down her spine. 

“You okay darling?” he asks. Laying on his side with one of his hands on her lower back.

She nods her head “Yeah I’m fine”.

She looks back at him with a smile.

Those piercing blue eyes of his, she knows she's gonna miss them.

She goes under the covers, and turns off the lights. 

He does the same thing, he looks over at her.

“Kate?” he whispers. 

“Yeah?” she replies.

“What happened to us?” he asks.

“Too much stuff to list” she answers.

“Yeah” he whispers.

She lays on her to face him, his eyes once again piercing into her soul.

“Have I ever told you, you have very beautiful eyes?” she asks, running her fingers through his beard.

He smiles at her “No, you haven’t”.

She smiles back at him ”Well you do”

He pulls her closer to him, where their noses touch. 

He leans in and softly kisses her lips. She hasn’t felt his lips in almost 2 years.

When she left Hope County, and moved back to Jackson, Wyoming. 

One thing lead to another, and the next thing she knew they were having sex, for the 1st time in 2 years. 

He felt amazing, his cock buried deep inside her, rubbing against the walls of her tight pussy.

Making her hold back her moans, and whimpers. He hasn't changed his game at all. He thrusts in and out of her, her hands roaming his back as fucks her. She missed his dick inside of her, how he held her as he penetrates her.

She knows this is wrong but it feels so right, she actually hates herself right now.

The next thing she knew it was morning, and she feels guilty about having sex with John.

She’s supposed to hate him, and yet she slept with him. She protected him, and still is!.

She sits up in her bed slowly trying not to wake him up. 

She sits there for a few minutes, she gets a message from Wheaty saying. 

“Hey K, check out this song” followed by a link to a video of the song.

She zones out, realizing her feelings for Wheaty.

After what just happened the night before, Kate finally realizes who she wants to be with. 

Part of her still loves John but she knows she can't be with him, at all. 

She gets out of bed, gets dressed, putting on black jeans, boots and a flannel shirt. 

She looks over at John who is dead asleep in her bed, looking at him one last time because she knows she's gonna have to let him go. 

It's for her own good, she's taking Paige's advice and is moving on from him. She quickly goes downstairs nearly colliding with her mom.

"Kate, where are you going?" Paige calls out.

"I'll be back!!!" she responds, running to her car.

She starts it up, and drives off the property, leaving behind a cloud of dirt.

“What is she up to?” Mandy asks.

“I don’t know, but I’m gonna have to find out” Paige responds. 

Kate drives down the road leaving Holland Valley into the Whitetail Mountains.

She gets to the area of the Wolf’s Den, climbing up the hill.

She sees the bunker door open as usual, and she walks down the dark steps.

“Wheaty?!” she calls out.

Wheaty, who is putting away records, hears her voice, he looks back at Eli and Tammy, and goes to where her voice is. 

Eli, and Tammy hear her, and they follow behind him.

“Is that Kate?” Eli asks.

She makes it to the bottom of the steps, and the second she sees Wheaty, she crashes her lips against his. Wrapping her arms around him. 

This actually startled Wheaty, he had no idea she was gonna come by, but he’s glad she did. He’s had a crush on her the moment he met her, when she first moved to Hope County a few years ago before she met John Seed.

He wraps his arms around her, pulling her closer to him. Kate knows she has to let John go, her family, and his family are enemies and she doesn’t want the whole Romeo and Juliet vibe. Let alone Paige wants to kill him for marking her with her sins, and just straight up annoying her. 

Part of her still loves John, but all he’ll ever be to her is an ex lover, maybe not much of a friend

She pulls away from their kiss, resting her head against his chest, neck area. 

“I know we’ve kissed before, but I’ve been waiting for our moment like this” he says, taken back by what just happened. Holding her tightly. 

“Yeah, me too” she says, holding him.

Tammy and Eli see them kissing, and they go back to whatever they were doing. 

Letting the soon to be couple have their privacy 

He kisses the top of her head, they stay like this for a few more minutes, and they hear footsteps coming down the bunker stairs. 

And they see Paige, and she sees Wheaty and her sister hugging.

Kate looks back at her, “Hey Paige” Wheaty says, smiling at her not letting go of Kate.

She smiles at them saying, “You’re finally over John”.

She nods at her older sister, “Yeah I finally got over him”.

A proud smile on her face 

“I heard what you said to John last night, about when you 2 first met” she says, crossing her arms.

“You heard that?” she asks, still holding Wheaty.

“Yeah, I heard everything, and to be honest I’m glad it was now instead of never, and I know how much he took care of you, but he’s not a good person. No matter how good he treated you” Paige says.

Kate nods her head, “Yeah me too. I know he wasn’t a good person, I just don’t know why it took me this long to realize it”

“Its fine, I’ll admit as much as I fucking hate to admit. John, he is a very handsome man, who probably has a golden dick, and he has a good job other than cutting off people’s skin, he’s a lawyer” she says, before saying “Or at least he thinks he is”.

The 3 of them laugh.

“Where is John?” Kate asks.

“At the house with everyone else” she replies.

“Hey Paige, I’m sorry for not listen-”

She cuts her off, by saying “No chick flick moments”

Kate scoffs, “Alright, jerk”

“Bitch” Paige responds. 

Wheaty looks at the both of them confused.

Paige gets a phone call from her mom, and she answers it.

“Hey mom, whats-” she gets cut off by her mom yelling in panic.

“Paige!!!, Paige!!! I need you and Kate to come home now!!” she yells in panic.

“Wait, wait mom, what's going on over there?!!” 

Kate and Wheaty look at her in concern.

Paige puts her phone on speaker.

“It's the peggies!!!!, they're here!!!!. John called for them!!!” 

Tammy, and Eli hear the commotion.

“That son of bitch” Paige mumbles in anger.

“It's the peggies, they took Adrian, Martin and Cody” she exclaims. 

“What??” Paige exclaims.

“Mom where are you?!?” Kate asks, in panic

“I locked myself in one the upstairs bathroom with Cristina” she tries her best to stay calm.

“Where’s Kenny, Nate and Mark!?!?!??” Paige asks.

“They locked themselves in one of the other rooms” she says. 

“Shit, sit tight we’ll be there soon” Paige says hanging up.

“Hurry!!!!!” she exclaims. 

“What is happening!?!” Eli asks, concerned in his voice.

“That lawyer fucker John called his merrymen of peggie douchebags, and they took 3 of my friends, and now they’re going after the others including my infant daughter!!!”

Paige and Kate run outside the bunker to the Impala, leaving Kate’s car behind.

“Paige, Kate!!!. Are you gonna need backup?!???!!” Eli yells out.

“If I don’t call back in 1 hour, get everyone, and go to St. Francis or Joseph’s compound. Wherever they could’ve taken them” Paige yells out back to Eli.

They speed down the road, not slowing down for anything. Driving 75 in 40 zone.

“Those motherfuckers, I’m gonna kill that little shit John” Paige yells out.

“No!” Kate says, loud and sternly.

Paige looks at her with anger. “Are you fucking seriousl? You’re still protecting that little shit?”

“No, if anyone is gonna kill John it's gonna be me” she says looking over at Paige.

“I let him loose, it's my fault. I’ll take full responsibility for that, and I’ll kill him” 

As they’re driving through an intersection they get hit from the driver side by a truck.

Sending the Impala tumbling through a field. Both sisters unconscious. 

They get dragged out of the vehicle by some peggies, putting them in the back of a truck, and driving off.

Paige, and Kate wake up several hours later, and the whole setting is too familiar to Paige, she starts to panic when she sees that she’s back in a cage at the Veteran’s Centre. 

She looks behind her, and Kate is struggling to wake up, disoriented and in pain.

All 4 Seed siblings appear in front of them. 

Both of them, in shock, and in disbelief.

Smug smiles on John and Jacob’s face that Paige would love to pimp slap off their faces.

“No, no” she says, shaking her head. 

She sees Joseph looking down while holding a purple,white plaid blanket, and she sees that he’s holding her daughter.

“No, no, no!!!!!!” she screams in panic.

[seasurfacefullofclouds1]

I think you have said in the last that you thought it was mid 2018 when HL fell apart. Do you think it was a specific event that finally did it or just months of things that they couldn’t come back from. Now that we know what was going g on with Louis personally do you think he had to change his plans to be there for his family and H resented that and didn’t sacrifice to make changes to be there for Louis? I feel it had to be something pretty significant to cause Louis to finally. walk away.

The songwriting timelines imply that there were problems before summer 2017, at least enough for them each to write a lot of songs about relationship issues.

Two Ghosts was written in 2013 or 2014.

Just A Little Bit of Your Heart in 2014.

Love You Goodbye was written in 2015.

Back to You in 2016.

Meet Me in the Hallway and From the Dining Table in 2016.

We Made It likely in 2017, Always You February 2017, Miss You in 2017.

Fine Line and Golden January 2018.

Habit, Don’t Let It Break Your Heart and Too Young in February 2018.

Fearless September 2018.

Walls and Kill My Mind in late fall, 2018.

(Addendum 12.11.2020: This tweet reminded me of Harry’s song, Two Ghosts. The tweeted lyrics are actually from from Pink Floyd’s Wish You Were Here. Specifically, these lyrics are evocative:

Did they get you to trade

Your heroes for ghosts?

How I wish, how I wish you were here

We're just two lost souls

Swimming in a fish bowl

Year after year

Running over the same old ground

What have we found?

The same old fears

Wish you were here)

Keep in mind that IICF was written April or May 2015, and Home was also written May 2015. Sweet Creature was done as of February 2016. So, there was love too. Remember when Harry stuttered through his answer about Sweet Creature during HS1 promo? Here’s the Cooper-Lawrence interview on 5 May 2017. I interpret this answer to mean that Harry was aware Louis would hear the interview, and he couldn’t bring himself to say no outright.

I think Harry’s singing You’re Still the One, during NY Pride Week and with Kacey wearing a rainbow dress, was a last, grand romantic gesture to Louis, just as he had serenaded Louis so many times before (and vice versa). ut later, going out to party with Waseem and other friends, I think it was a sign that things didn’t go well.

Louis’ video announcement of his XF UK judging stint was very telling for me. His demeanor was defeated.

The fandom actually found out one day before Harry’s tour ended, and right before we found out, definitively, that Harry would be exec producing Ben Winston’s sitcom Happy Together.

Happy Together basically cut Louis out of Harry’s life during the time they lived together (at Princess Park). And Harry profited from it. Regardless of Harry’s choices, he profited from cutting Louis out. Maybe it was finally apparent to Louis that HSHQ/ Fulwell/ Sony all had similar goals with regard to him. Louis was an obstacle to the Harry Styles™️ they wanted to create, and Harry had chosen them over Louis.

In retrospect, it’s interesting for Louis to include the words “Princess Park” in Habit’s lyrics, and to tell the anecdote about chicken Parma ham at his Hits Live Birmingham interview. It was as if Louis was asserting his place in Harry’s life— to tell his truth in spite of Sony’s attempts to remove his presence from Holo (via a Fulwell sitcom 🙄). They tried again and again to rewrite their history, but it happened and it was real.

By summer 2018, I think they were split up for good. The Nick Grimshaw-facilitated Larry stunt in August 2018 made me certain that it would always be Louis accommodating to help Harry’s career, never the other way around. Nick Grimshaw stating on air, in August 2018 (on his last BBC morning show), that “One Direction will never get back together” was also telling of his mindset. And of course, we’ve seen what’s happened with Harry’s and Nick’s relationship since 2018.

Here’s Louis talking about Harry during his TOU promo interview with Dan Wootton, the famous “mutual respect” quote, in March 2019.

Louis: Look, the reality of the situation is, there’s always going to be better relationships in the band, and you’re gonna gravitate to other people more. But I feel like....and kind of what I was saying before about needing to get older and more mature (Louis had been talking about needing to be “more mature” before he could forgive Zayn for not coming to his JHO performance on TXF), I feel like with... with that relationship there, I think there’s a... there’s a... there’s a real mutual respect. Definitely. But I think, you know, we spent a lot of time together so we had to kind of graduate to that, in maturity. You know what I’m saying?

So by March 2019, Louis had come to an understanding (“graduate to that, in maturity”) about Harry and had made peace with their relationship.

A discussion of H vs. L with a mutual.

[holmesianpose]

Hi there! Just wanted to know if you have written more of OFD, cause last chapter was on june and I think I'll die if you don't post another one soon. So please please please post next chapters as soon as you can! We're all waiting to read this wonderful masterpiece of yours. Love ♡

Hello dear reader!

First of all, thank you for caring enough about this story to write to me and ask about the next update. I’m so glad to know there are still readers out there eagerly waiting for the next chapter (in spite of how long it’s been!). 

I’m sorry that it has been so long. I know I seem to say this every time it takes me 3-4 months to get out a new chapter, but my life has been especially busy since June. I was traveling all summer, and then in August, I moved (to a new country!!!). I am a PhD student and this is my last year to finish my degree, which means I am simultaneously trying to finish my dissertation, and I also have to apply for academic jobs (which is an absolute NIGHTMARE of a process). The academic job market officially opens in September and deadlines start cropping up in early October and continue from there into the winter, so I have had my hands full the last month and a half trying to get all my job materials together. I am also living in Sweden for the year (thanks to an awesome dissertation fellowship I received) which means I had to figure out my apartment, getting a phone here, getting my residence permit card, getting a bike, meeting the professors and other grad students in the department where I’m being hosted, etc etc etc It’s all just been A LOT. And has not left me much time at all to write. 

I keep trying to get into a good rhythm again where I write just a little bit every day, but the problem with OFD is that it tends to be all-consuming. It always takes me a while to get back into the story (which is an agonizing process in and of itself) and then once I’m there it tends to demand all of my attention, and I don’t want to work on anything else *but* OFD, which is slightly dangerous when I’m trying to force myself to work on job applications/dissertation/etc. 

I did manage to write three days in a row recently (which felt like a triumph) in a concerted effort to re-establish a writing routine, but then it was all knocked off kilter because I went to another city to attend a book festival for three days and when I came back I had four job deadlines due almost immediately. 

What’s frustrating too is I know EXACTLY what’s going to happen in the coming chapters (I have known this information for literal years), it’s just a matter of getting into the right zone to actually write it in the way I want, where I can see the characters clearly--and getting to that state is a finicky delicate business, that’s made especially difficult when I have other demands on my time. 

I do have some time today actually, which is part of the reason why I came on tumblr so that I could give you all an update on where I’ve been and why I haven’t managed to post a new chapter. But after I post this, I am going to go write. And hopefully succeed at writing a little bit every day this coming week.

I wish so badly that I could just take three months and do nothing but write OFD. Ugh I could get so much done, if I could do this! Unfortunately, that is not a reality at the moment. I’ve always sort of imagined that I would get the story finished when I got my dissertation finished, since my fanfiction writing days have run alongside my time as a PhD student. But now I’m beginning to realize that maybe that is actually not feasible at all lol--since writing a dissertation is NO JOKE (as I’m realizing). 

Anyway. I’m sorry I don’t have better news. :( I have written *some* of the next chapter. And I just don’t know--maybe I will be able to get back into a writing rhythm in the coming weeks and I can get the next chapter out by the end of the month. It could happen! I will post updates about my writing progress here on tumblr, so please do check back in the next few weeks. And thank you for caring about this story, to all of you who are out there waiting--thank you for continuing to care! I’m doing my best. I appreciate you all more than I can say.