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hobiebrownismygod · 10 months

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StreetKid!Hobie x Fem!Reader

I recommend you read Part 1 HERE so you understand the story better <3

I posted these earlier on wattpad, the link is in my pinned post

~4.5k words

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Hobie's POV

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RINGGGGGGGGG

W H A C K

CRASH

Hobie opened one eye and groaned at the sight, his alarm clock shattered on the floor. 5th one this month. It wasn't his fault that he kept accidentally breaking them. The loud noises just always triggered his reflexes so this wasn't the first time he'd broken his clock on accident and it definitely wouldn't be the last.

He sat up, shaking his head and groaning, trying to rub the sleep from his eyes as he looked around, sight adjusting the bright light seeping in through the window. Well, it wasn't really a window. More of a large crack in the wall of the abandoned warehouse he was squatting in, but it functioned like a window.

He stood up right as the door opened, stretching his arms and back out before he greeted Riri Williams, his roommate and fellow superhero. "Mornin'"

She nodded at him in response, fidgeting with her watch in an attempt to show Hobie something. Suddenly, it made a beep noise and a small map appeared which she promptly shoved in Hobie's face. "Here's the route Karl said we should take."

"Huh?" Hobie looked at the map and then back at her, still half-asleep. "Wot route?"

Riri blinked. "The route? For the riot today?" Hobie blinked.

Silence.

"Oh! That riot! Yeah, sounds good Ri'" He said, smacking his forehead as he remembered what they'd planned yesterday. In his defense, he hadn't really been paying attention to what they'd been talking about. He'd been preoccupied thinking about other things. Thinking about her.

The girl he'd met exactly 9 years ago. He remembered the date perfectly. December 24rd, the day before Christmas morning. The streets had been full of people shopping and laughing, spreading Christmas spirit. At least, they spread Christmas spirit among themselves. Hobie definitely wasn't on the receiving end of this morale boost that day. Until of course, he met her.

The girl that'd given him her jacket and sent him towards F.E.A.S.T. shelter. The girl who looked like an angel and had a smile like one, with flowy hair and gorgeous eyes. The girl who helped him up, pointed him in the right direction and given him a kiss on the cheek on one of his darker days. He'd been on the brink of starvation and she'd saved his life without a second thought.

But he never saw her again.

"Dunce." Riri replied, zooming into the map. Her harsh words snapped him out of his trance and he rolled his eyes at her, peering at the watch's image. "Right then. Let's grab Karl and Kamala and figure this whole plan thing ou'"

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Two hours later - Hobie's Canal Boat/Headquarters

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"Alright gang, today is the day Osborne's right-hand-man, Captain Stacy, 's daughter comes back from her posh boarding school! They're having some sort of fancy ball in one of Osborne's mansions for it and that's where we strike!" Kamala Khan slammed down her mini figure onto the map Riri had printed out for them to use. "Sound good?" She asked, looking amongst the squad.

Karl nodded. "The rioters will start off in front of the house and after a little bit we'll let them in. Maybe even web up a couple of cops, eh Hobes?" Karl asked, nudging Hobie's side.

"Huh?" Hobie stuttered, standing up straight, his arms falling to his sides. "Uh. Yea, sure." He said quickly, biting the inside of his cheek.

"Man, what's going on with you? Something up?" Karl asked, leaning in towards him slightly, as if inspecting whether or not he was sick.

"No, no. Nothin's up."

"You gotta keep your head in the game, 'Bie." Riri shook her head at him before putting her own mini figure down onto the map. "I'll turn off the security cameras."

"I'll lead the crowd." Karl added, gently putting down his figurine.

Kamala put her elbow on top of Hobie's shoulder, which was fairly difficult considering how tall he was, and grinned at the group. "And the two of us'll deal with the insiders!"

Hobie looked down at the map and smiled, placing his own figurine down. "Kamala'll take care of the pigs doing security. I'll take care of the ones inside the ball"

"Wait." Karl looked at Kamala and Hobie curiously. "There's gonna be a lot of civilians. One of you is gonna have to take care of them too."

Kamala groaned, "All those civilians are fascists too. Besides, it's not like the riot is gonna turn violent."

"Unless Osborne gets violent first" Hobie added, a thoughtful look appearing on his face. "Y'know what? I'll take care of the civilians then. But I'm not gonna put m'whole focus on 'em, aye?"

The three nodded at him.

"So, Hobes..." Karl asked, his tone sounding slightly more somber. "You gonna be okay if those symbiotes are there?"

"Yeah..." Riri added, glancing at Hobie nervously. "I mean last time...you didn't really take them very well."

"I'll be fine." Hobie said quietly, giving them a glance that said I know what I'm doing. "Last time was a freak acciden'. Nothing more." During a riot only a few weeks ago, Hobie had been fighting Osborne's goons as per usual, when a new type of bad guy showed up. They called it a symbiote.

Hobie had known about Osborne finding some sort of weapon that he was planning on using for his military, but the gang had never expected it to be so...weird. It was like it had a mind of its own. The V.E.N.O.M., Oscorp's name for it, was a kind of gooey substance that would engulf its host, using and protecting their body while they fought.

These symbiotes were notoriously hard to kill. Hobie had run out of webs at some point during that riot and had been cornered by multiple of them, only barely escaping thanks to Kamala and her shapeshifting powers, which she'd used to pull Hobie out of the situation and shield him while he fixed his webshooters.

"Fine." Riri said, taking the map of the mansion off the table and folding it up. "Let's head out."

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Your POV

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"Harry!" You exclaimed as you practically collapsed in the young man's arms, pulling him into a hug. "Hi-" he gasped out, struggling to breathe as you squeezed him with all your might.

It'd been nearly two years since you'd seen Harry, your best friend, and four since you'd been back in London. In those couple years, you'd been at a boarding school situated in France, which many of the higher-class girls went in their teenage years in order to learn how to become 'proper ladies' as they called them.

At first, it'd felt like a waste of time to you, but over time you'd made many friends at that school and now that you were returning, you couldn't help but feel a little sad to leave. But this sadness was quickly eliminated by the sight of your best friend and the beautiful city.

Although beautiful was definitely an overstatement. In fact, the city looked to be getting progressively worse, with more and more giant consumerist signs and more and more smog filling the sky that had used to be a beautiful, clear blue. You wrinkled your nose at the smell, the air filled with smoke and dust.

"Its been a while" Harry said with a smile, looking down at you, his hands shoved in his pockets. "That it has. I'm so excited to be home!" You said with a grin, following him as he led you toward the cab, pulling your suitcases for you.

London wasn't what you remembered. Even if you disregarded the changing environment and the pollution, there was still something so different about the place. Maybe it was the abundance of crime that overtook the city after Osborne's presidency. But you couldn't say anything negative about him, especially considering the fact that Norman Osborne was your father's best friend. He'd practically raised you and when you were young, most of days of the week, he and Harry would come over for dinner to eat with you and your father.

Those were the days.

But there was something even more distinct that was different about London. You didn't realize what it was until you saw him swinging through the air in the distance, followed by a flurry of flashing cop lights. Spider-Man.

Or as the higher-ups called him, Spider-Punk. Even those in France knew about him and his strange powers and his even stranger suit. There were plenty of superheroes in London, like IronHeart, a young woman who wore a suit made out of metal, Captain Anarchy, a man with an unbreakable shield and Ms. Marvel, a girl with a very flashy suit who's limbs would elongate in a way no human's ever should.

But Spider-man was definitely a fan favorite.

With his snarky attitude, those quips he'd make around thugs, the way he fought, even his style were all very popular subjects among the inhabitants of Western Europe, his cries against the fascist dictatorship Osborne had implemented in the UK even more popular.

Most called him a hero. Some called him a vigilante.

But your family? A family full of cops and businessmen? A family built on consumerism and fascism? Spider-man was a villain.

But not to you.

No, to you, Spider-man was fascinating.

You hoped you'd get to meet him eventually.

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Later that evening

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Your POV

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"Hold still, girl!"

You sucked in your breath as the maid tightened your gown even more, making it nearly impossible to breath. "I can't brea-" She began to tie up the silky lace quickly, ignoring your pleas for air. When she finished, she ran her fingers through your hair gently, moving it over your shoulders and turning you to face the mirror. "What do you think?" She asked kindly, smiling at you.

The gown was a beautiful baby blue, coming down to your ankles in a flowy manner. The neckline was shaped like a 'V' but wasn't too deep, with fluffy straps hanging onto your shoulders. "It's beautiful." You said with a smile, looking back at her before you looked at yourself in the mirror again.

Mr. Osborne had been insisting on throwing a celebration for your return to London, stating, "my son's best friend needs a proper welcome." After all, you'd been gone nearly four years and you were sure there would be plenty of people who'd want to meet you after all this time. Although it seemed Harry was more excited for this ball than you were.

He'd always been such a rich boy, with absolutely no regard for anything that wasn't his. It wasn't his fault he was so materialistic though, it was his father's. Mr. Osborne wanted the best for his son and although you respected him for it, he would often go overboard. He never let Harry go to anything less than a well-respected private school and wouldn't even allow him to go near any middle-class neighborhoods in fear of him joining a gang or worse.

But then of course, there was plenty in London to be afraid of. If you didn't count the thugs and criminals constantly patrolling the streets, there were also villains like the Green Goblin who were out to get you. The Goblin was a particularly nasty villain who was known for his horrific bombs and grenades.

Mr. Osborne himself could be considered a villain by many. After all, he ruled London like a dictator, with an iron fist protected by his army of super-soldiers powered by organic compounds called V.E.N.O.M., designed to protect their hosts and grant them extreme levels of endurance and strength. The V.E.N.O.M. soldiers were supposed to protect the streets of London, but really they just made everything worse.

And then there were the cops. Your own father, Captain Stacy, was a cop himself but you couldn't help but dislike the force. They were all shoved into the palm Mr. Osborne's hand, eating money out of it like filthy pigs while the rest of the civilians lived in complete oblivion. Disaster after disaster struck the streets of London and the cops did nothing but add to it.

But it wasn't all bad. London had Spider-Man to protect them, right? With his gorgeous guitar, that spiky leather jacket, and that snarky attitude, he was a proper hero.

"Harry's here!" your maid called out to you from outside your room. You grabbed your things and quickly left the room, fixing your hair in the process. Harry was standing waiting at the bottom of the steps for you while impatiently tapping his feet, wearing a sleek black suit. When he saw you, he smiled and gestured for you to come down.

"Long time no see" You said to him with a grin.

"I saw you a half hour ago." He rolled his eyes before reaching behind his back to hand you something. He pulled out a beautiful white rose, the thorns plucked off as to not prick you. You shook your head and smiled at him, taking the rose from him. "You shouldn't have."

"You're right. I should've given it to someone prettier." he quipped, giving you his hand. You took it with a scowl and the two of you walked outside towards the car waiting for you outside. You and Harry both sat in the back while the driver got ready to take you towards the function.

"God, it's been forever since I've been to a ball."

"Oh, father's made sure to make it as grand as possible. Honestly I think he's put more time into this return than into my own birthday." He said with a groan, looking out the window as the car began to move.

You gave him a kind smile. "I'm sure thats not true."

Harry tended to get bitter whenever his father planned something for you. It was obvious that Mr. Osborne liked you more than his own son, always being willing to host your birthday parties, buy you things and just acting more like a father to you than he did to Harry. Harry hated it. He hated being put second to someone who wasn't even related to him. Although you tried your best to play it off, it became difficult at times.

"Yeah yeah." Harry said quietly, still not making eye contact with you as he looked down at his hands, fidgeting in his lap.

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Hobie's POV

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Hobie was standing on the glass top of the room where the ball would be happening, his clunky combat boots leaving marks on what had been crystal-clear before he'd arrived. This was one of Osborne's multiple mansions, each of which he used to throw different parties and get-togethers. These parties were very exclusive, only being offered to Osborne's closest friends and business partners, and Hobie knew that by having a riot here, they'd be able to hit Osborn where it hurt. Maybe even cost him a couple partners or friends. Hobie's eyes glinted slightly as he smiled to himself, thinking about just how badly he wanted Osborne broken. He was everything that was wrong with this city.

A small crackle noise came from the earpiece embedded onto his earlobe. "Y'all ready for this?" Riri's voice could be heard from the microphone. "Protestors are gathering." Karl replied.

"I'm almost there! Just give me another second" Kamala said, her voice slightly muffled. It seemed like she was running late. "Where were you?" Hobie asked, searching around for where she would come from. "Oh...nowhere." She said quickly, brushing it off. Hobie could just barely see her coming in from the distance. She enlarged her fist to help herself swing up onto the rooftop, landing with her arms out in a t-pose before giving Hobie a cocky salute. "Reporting for duty!"

Hobie snorted and rolled his eyes at her, putting his hands on his hips. "A'right soldier. Let's get this party started." He and Kamala both began their entrance, searching around the perimeter for any way to get in without being noticed. Kamala pointed to a large vent on the outside of the wall and Hobie swung toward it, pulling it open and climbing through with Kamala behind him, closing it before she followed.

The vent led them to what seemed to be an empty dressing room. Everyone else was already out at the party, enjoying themselves. Kamala bade him goodbye as she left to go take care of the cops on the outer perimeter while Hobie launched himself onto the ceiling and began to crawl towards the ball. As he left the kitchen, he tried his best to stay inconspicuous, staying above the partygoers.

There were so many people that he knew. Mainly people that he absolutely despised. He recognized Otto Octavius, a famous scientist who, although at first had been a good, kind man, had been morphed into another one of Osborne's goons after being introduced to riches that no one but Norman could offer. That was how Osborne made allies after all. He paid them.

He also recognized none other than Captain Stacy. A man who he hated with every part of his soul. The man who'd shot at him numerous times when he was doing nothing more than peacefully protesting. The man who'd killed tens of rioters and innocent civilians while preaching that he was 'London's Protector'. Pathetic.

Hobie began to pick off the many cops standing near the doorways one by one, webbing them to ceiling to shut them up while he moved on to the next one. He badly wanted to give Captain Stacy a taste of his webbing, but he was in the middle of the crowd and Hobie wouldn't have been able to grab him without getting caught. So he stuck to the smaller officers that were farther from the rest.

"I've gotten all the one's on the outer perimeter. I'm gonna go join Karl. Let us know when you're ready" Kamala's voice could be heard on the other end of the ear piece. "Yes ma'am", Hobie replied quietly, keeping his eyes on the last cop near the doorway. He shot a web towards him, quickly pulling him up and slamming him into the ceiling, webbing him up before he could say a word, or worse, fall.

Thats when he noticed Osborne getting ready to go stand in front of the crowd, dressed in a black suit that was noticeably nicer than everyone else's. Hobie hung down from the ceiling, watching silently as Osborne walked towards the stairs and quickly walked up them, microphone in hand. "Hello everybody!" Cheers erupted from the half-drunk people at the bottom of the makeshift stage. "I hope everyone's been having a grand time!"

Hobie moved to a more discreet area in order to watch the rest of the speech. Once this was over, he'd be able to call the rest of the gang in with the rioters. "Now I'm hoping most of you know what this whole get-together was about. We're here to embrace the return of Captain George Stacy's lovely daughter from her long period of time spent in none other than the beautiful city of Paris. Everyone welcome back, Y/N Stacy!"

Y/N Stacy? Now who could that be? Hobie searched through the crowd, wondering who one of his rival's daughter could've been. And then he saw her. Long, flowy hair, her skin perfectly complimented by that beautiful dress...and those gorgeous eyes. How...? Hobie was awestruck. Could it be? That girl he'd met all those years ago. He felt his hand subconsciously go down to touch that patch on his vest where he'd sewn a piece of that jacket she'd given him all those years ago. It was her.

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Your POV

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"Thank you everybody!" You said with a smile, nodding as Mr. Osborne handed you a glass of red wine. "I'm so glad to be back! I've had a wondrous time in Paris, and I'm so excited to share it with you all!" After you gave a quick little speech and proposed a small toast, you returned to Harry who'd been waiting for you with a sly smile.

"Did you even prepare for that?" he asked with a laugh, eyes looking over your face as you returned. "Of course not." you replied nonchalantly, taking a sip from your glass. "Load of tosh anyways, half these people are only here for the food. I don't think I recognize more than four or five faces in that crowd."

Harry chuckled. "Well at least you're paraded around. Father doesn't mind nobody knowing who I am."

"Lets not get all gloomy now, Harry." You said, patting his shoulder reassuringly. "Enjoy the night!"

"Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna go grab more bread." He said with a shake of his head before he disappeared into the crowd, leaving you behind with your glass. You were in the process of mustering up the courage to go introduce yourself to everyone when you heard a noise from behind you.

Thwip.

You turned your head around and strained your ears to see if you could hear that noise again.

Thwip.

The box a couple feet in front of you was knocked over. You looked at it in shock for a moment before you slowly began to approach it to check what'd happened. Maybe it was an animal of some sort?

Thwip.

The noise came again, farther away this time. It was coming from the balcony a few yards away from you. Curious, you began to approach the balcony cautiously, eyes scanning over your surroundings in an attempt to see what could've been making that noise.

"Hello?" You called out quietly. The balcony was empty, as everyone else was busy talking with Mr. Osborne or eating something. As you stepped onto the balcony, you glanced over the edge for a moment. It was a calm night, the breeze just barely chilly and the stars gleaming down onto you, making your skin look like it sparkled.

Thwip

Suddenly, it felt like something passed right by your head. What looked like a string of spiderweb had shot past your right ear and landed on the edge of the balcony, right above where your arm was leaning against. "What the-" you were cut off by another thwip noise.

This time the web was shot onto your mouth. "Mmm!" You exclaimed, trying to pull it off. Then more web was shot towards you, pinning your arms to the railing. You watched in horror as a masked figure approached you, unable to escape due to the strength of the web holding you down.

"MmmMmMm!" You said, trying to convince him to let you out of this situation, although there was no way he'd be able to understand what you were saying.

"Calm down, darling. 'mnot gonna hurt you." His voice was deep, with a cockney accent to it. Very different from the posher accent you were used to hearing. As he stepped into the light, you felt a quiet gasp leave your mouth. Spider-man.

"mmMM?" You asked, leaning back slightly as he approached you. You flinched as he reached his hand out toward your face and you watched as he hesitated for a moment before he ripped the web off. "You-you-you" you stuttered, in shock at the man in front of you.

He stayed silent for a moment, as though he was in shock himself. "Hi. I'm Spider-man."

"I-I know." you said your eyes locked onto the white of his mask.

He stared at you for a moment longer, obviously wanting to say something. But then he shook his head slightly and looked away, hands shoved into his vest pockets. "Are you going to kill me?" You asked, eyes wide.

"Wot?" He looked back at you, taken aback. "o'course not! I wouldn't kill a peng like you."

You looked down at your tied up hands, prompting him to do the same. "Sorry about the webs, but t'was the only way for m' to make sure you didn't run away"

You nodded, still scared out of your wits. "You don't remember me, do you? Well o'course you don't remember me, I have a bloody mask on" he said quickly, turning away from you again. "dumbass" he muttered under his breath.

"excuse me?" You asked, feeling yourself calm down a little bit. He definitely wasn't acting like he was going to kill you. "Not you!" He said quickly, putting his hands in front of him. "Just uh-hi."

You raised your eyebrow at him. He shook his head, "y'know what? Lets start over."

He made a beckoning motion with his hands and approached you again. "What do you want from me?" You asked, looking up at him. He was intimidatingly tall, probably over 6 feet tall, but he was skinny, as though he rarely ate.

"Nothing. I don't want nothing." He said, looking at you. Suddenly, you heard a small crackling noise come from his ear. He placed his palm over his ear and took a step back. "Yeah, yeah I'm ready for you. Just give me another second." He said under his breath.

"Look, listen to me, a'right? Get out of here. Before you get hurt." he told you, leaning in more. "What? Why? What's happening?" You asked, a scared feeling beginning to brew in your stomach. "It doesn't matter. Just trust me and get out of here."

The same crackling noise came from his earpiece. The eyes of his mask widened slightly and he put his hand near yours. He ripped off the web holding you against the railing and took a few steps back. "Just trust me."

You were about to ask him something when he suddenly pulled himself over the railing, leaping off towards the ground. "Wait-" You started to say, but he was already gone.

Get out of here.

That couldn't be good. You walked back towards the crowd of people, unsure what to do. Should you warn everyone? Should you tell Mr. Osborne? Should you tell Harry?

"Hey, Y/N!" you heard a voice call your name. Harry. "Where were you? I've been searching all over for you-" You grabbed him by the shirt and pulled him closer. "Harry, we need to get out of here!"

"Woah-" he put his hand on top of yours, pulling you off of him gently. "What? What's going on?" he asked, looking down at you concernedly. "Somethings going to happen and I don't know what but I know we should leave-" you started to ramble, practically begging for him to believe you.

"Alright, alright" he said, putting his hands on your shoulders to calm you down. "I'll call up a cab. We can go."

"But everyone else-" you started to say.

The entrance doors opened abruptly. Standing in the entrance was a large group of what looked like protestors, holding signs and whatnot, slowly entering. They were led by a man in a red white and blue suit, not the Spider-man suit, but one that made him look more like a soldier. Captain Anarchy.

It was a riot.

You were about to repeat yourself to Harry when you felt him grab your arm and start pulling you towards the exit. "We gotta get out of here" he said quickly, gently gripping your hand. As the rioters poured in, the few cops left began to try to deal with them, pulling out their guns and their batons. "Oh god I can't watch" You said under your breath, looking away as you and Harry joined the group of people scrambling towards the exit.

You caught a glimpse of Mr. Osborne, calling for backup. He looked livid.

As you were pulled along with the rest of the crowd, you could hear shouting and screaming coming from behind you. The rioters and the cops were fighting furiously, the protestors being accompanied by numerous 'superheroes' and the cops being joined by the backup Osborne had called for. V.E.N.O.M. soldiers.

When you left through the exit with Harry, the last thing you saw was one of those 'soldiers' being smacked in the face with a certain guitar, catching sight of that same flash of red and blue, that same leather vest, that same mask that had had you tied against the balcony railing before.

Your not-so-friendly neighborhood Spider-man.

Tags:

@s6onder @therealloopylupin2099 @spiderrinn @l0starl @daydreaming-en-pointe @itsparis-07 @@vileviale @bubble787635 @hows-my-handwriting @puff-hugs

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aaronymous999 · 1 year

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Y’know, I’m appreciating the abundance of Spider-Sona tag games recently- so I’m gonna be making my own here! Only 10 questions because I don’t want to go too wild with this one- or else we’d be here all day!

Spider-Sona 10 Questions!

What artstyle is your Spider-Sona’s world? ( For example, Gwen’s world is watercolor, Hobie’s world is inspired by punk art and punk album covers, etc. be creative! )

Do any characters that appear in the 616 or 1610 universes appear in your Spider-Sona’s world? If so, who and how are their roles different? ( For example, if Hobie Brown is in your universe, is he still the Prowler? Is Peter Parker in your universe? )

Is there a specific species of spider your Spider-Sona was bitten by, or was based off of? ( Can’t think of any specific canon examples here- but I’ve seen a lot of Spider-Sonas based off wolf spiders for example! )

What city and what time period does your Spider-Sona live in?

Is your Spider-Sona in the Spider Society? Were they ever asked to join but declined? Were they not scouted at all? Did they join and then quit? Tell me all about it!

Does your Spider-Sona have organic webbing, or do they use web-shooters? Mix of both? And is their webbing typical spider webbing, or does it have a style to it? ( For example, Miguel’s webbing being red and presumably digital. )

Very important question here- do they have any pets? And if so, do they ever take them out on their crime fighting missions?

Are they the only Spider-Person in their universe? ( For example, Miles and Peter co-existing in the Insomniac Games )

Are there things that exist in their universe but don’t in others? ( For example, Comic Con existing in Miles-42’s universe but not in 1610 Miles’s! Or certain Marvel superheroes existing in their universe but not others. )

And lastly ( For now will probably make a few more of these… honestly I could make one daily but I don’t wanna bother people lol ) what does your Spider-Sona think about killing criminals… and their general approach to crime.

Okay and that’s a wrap for this one! Let me know if you want more of these and how frequently you’d like them! If you aren’t tagged, you can still absolutely do this by the way, just gonna tag a few mutuals and people I follow who I know have Spider-Sona’s! Please let me know if you would not like to be tagged in the future- no hard feelings I’m just autistic and need things to be spelled out bluntly for me!

@spidey-bie @the-cat-and-the-birdie @brown-spider @autisticarach

( You know actually I don’t follow a ton of Spider-Sona blogs so if you come across this post and would LIKE to be tagged in future tag games please let me know in the reblogs or the replies! )

#aaronymous ramblings #spiderman #spider man #spider-man #oc #ocs #spidersona #spider sona #spidersonas #tag game #atsv #spiderman across the spiderverse #across the spiderverse #again please let me know if im being annoying with all this im stupid

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febster · 1 year

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So this is my first time writing here so it may be bad with the grammars and ooc Hobie but still hope you like it:))

Scenario: this was inspired by the TikTok post where Hobie was playing around with Pav's Web slinger and well it didn't end well...

Hobie-

She holds back out a chuckle as she walks to the fallen form of Hobie, clutching his head out in pain after playing with Pav's web slingers, as it hits him right to the nose. "Bie, come on look at me" she urges to the man to look at her, Hobie groans out softly, but slowly he raises his head to meet with her.

"Pfft-"

She holds back a laugh, as the obvious red bruise on his nose was slowly getting apparent.

Hobie scowls at her laughing face, "aint that funny, luv." He grumbled out as he crossed his arms as he pouted, his face being warm after getting embarrassed from getting hit on the nose.

She laughs now, her hands slowly reaching to his nose caressing his face. "I cant help it... that's what you get for fooling around with Pav's things." She lightly scolded to the grumbling man, as she leans to his face and giving a gentle kiss to his nose.

Hobie softening up to her caring touch but still holds an accusing look for her to laugh at him. "Yeah yeah-still that bloody hurt-" he complains to her, almost like a child which she can't help but be amused at it.

"Awee" she can't help but coo at him, "come on, let's get that patched up, you big baby" she teases him as she helps him rise up to his feet and for Hobie to lean in to her for support. Dramatically in a way.

She looks at him with a raised brow, "I thought you were only hit by the nose?" Amusement on her tone, but didn't mind much on his weight being on her.

"Just wanted to take this chance being taken care of by my luv." Hobie replies as his arms wraps around her shoulder as they walked, enjoying it all despite his nose still hurting a bit, but in a way maybe it was all worth it to get hit by that damn web slinger.

He gotta ask Pav about that material...maybe later though.

#hobie brown #hobie brown fluff #hobie brown x you #hobie brown x reader #hobie my beloved #astv hobie #astv fic #across the spiderverse #spider punk #spider punk x reader #pavitr prabhakar #hobie

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jgrills · 1 year

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Spidersona lore and blurbs!

Tw: LONGGGG !!!!

IM WARNING YOU !!!!

-the people I mentioned with their spidersonas (THE SECTION IS SPIDER SOCIETY)

@spidey-bie @onmyownside1 @the-cat-and-the-birdie

(and if anyone else's spidersona wants to meet O'Kelley, that's fine with me!!)

About O'Kelley Anderson!☆

-If you saw the old post of O'Kelley in my sketchbooks, I changed the last name to Anderson.

-A jewel spider, or known as (Austracantha minax) bit O'Kelley. There wasn't any pain, which confused the hell out of her when she started forming little claws on her fingers.

-Her mom comes into her room the next morning, about to wake her up.

-"Uh, kells?"

-"Yes mom?"

-"Did you have canines before?"

-O'Kelley, who darts to the mirror, realizes they're are black widow size canines in her mouth. (Her mom figures it out btw, and she's fine with it).

-Her mom smirks to herself, knowing that her sister (aunt to O'Kelley), used to be Spider-Woman (Spider-?????)..

-W̶̧͚̲̊͆͠͝e̵̛̳͉̔̐'̷͍̾͂͜l̵̡̰̗̓͑̒͝l̴̘͊ ̵͉͕͉̿̎̓͛n̷̹̭̳̘͆e̶͉͋̽̀̇v̷̰̮͓̯́͂́̆ẻ̸͚̻r̴̥̣̜̽̇̾̕ ̶̥̱̖̔̀̌̏k̸̤̰̦̯̀̇͆ņ̸̭̀͂o̵̗̞͙̪̊͑̆̅w̷̖̘̣͑͂̿͋.

-Her mom eventually calms her down, and she tells her this is the power of a spider-person.

-"I'm a spider!?"

-"No, Kelles, listen-"

-"No!!!"

-"Listen before I get the belt"

-silent as a mouse

"Listen Kelles, your aunt used to be a Spider hero, that's what you are, I didn't want you to panic incase the side-effects of the bite get worse, this is what happened with your Aunt Imani. But, yours is.." She pauses to hold O'Kelley's hand, pressing her fingers against the palm to see what happens.

-Tiny claws come out.

Her mom laughs.

"Yep, just like Imani" She decreases the pressure on her daughters palm, the claws going back.

"How do you feel?"

"I feel..fine..?"

"I swear to God O'Kelley, you're just like your aunt Imani, like an exact copy, you acted just like her when she got her powers." Her mom laughs and tilts her head back.

O'Kelley soon joins, laughing, not noticing her fangs have gone away.

"Mom..what is it gonna be like being a spider-person? I know they save people, but is their something else?"

"Well, you would have to ask your Aunt Imani, and..I just want you to remember, when your canon event comes..

"It can either change your life forever, or it'll change YOU."

"Canon events?"

"Can't explain it, just don't let it destroy you.."

Tw: mentions of injuries and blood.

SPIDER SOCIETY!☆

-While being a new spider-person (just 5 months). She's having an awfully hard time dealing with..

What was it again?

Earth 20918's Prowler. That's what.

Doing her best to dodge his attacks, he manages to land a few scratches and gashes, her suit is damaged.

She webs onto another sur-

What's that?

Suddenly, an orange and red portal, with a bunch of shapes... a spider-man launches himself/herself (reminder: she's still not sure wait gender) at the Prowler, after a few attacks, they grab him and web them up.

??? Walks away with a struggling prowler in their hold, they look back at O'Kelley, webbing them inside the portal.

She gets dizzy from going through the portal, gripping her head, and eyelids twitching.

Tension headache?

No.

They land in Neuva York, still disoriented from falling and being webbed to a portal.

"You new here?" O'Kelley looks up to see a figure with a lightning bolt styled spider-suit.

"Let me help" They reach their hand out, standing O'Kelley up.

"Thank you"

"You're welcome, you want a tour or something? I'm Ramone, by the way"

"Yes please, it's nice to meet you, I'm O'Kelley"

"I know"

"Wait how did yo-"

"Follow me"

☆☆☆

"That's Disco-Spider, or Diane Pastors, she's apart of the Spider Society Welcome Committee, or SSWC, for short."

"Woah.. I love their outfit, or their suit" O'Kelley watches Diane skate over to several places of the society, her suit sparkling.

"Cool, right?"

O'Kelley sees a bunch of the same people in one place, talking and smoking???

"Yeah, but why are there so many..uh..of the same British guy?"

"Alternate Universes, that's how"

"They seem really cool, is their universe from 1982? I love their style, their suit is cool too ramone!-"

"Ding! They are from 1982, or Earth 1294A"

"Woahh.. that's so cool.."

~~~~~~~~

"That's Ansi Taratella, or Tech Tarantula over there"

O'Kelley looks over at Ansi, noticing he has traditional locs, orange at the ends.

Grunge clothing..? I think.

Seems that O'Kelley stared to much, cause they make eye contact, getting a very-intimidating aura from her. Their spidey-senses go nuts, quickly turning away.

"You good?"

"Yeah, just got-"

"Intimidated?"

"Yeah"

Ramone snickers, "Yeah, I get the same reaction out of every spider-person who comes here."

<><><><><><><><>

"Annndddd, over there, Is Angel Jameson!, and the one on the left is Margo Kess" Ramone points to a.. uh,

OH.

"Arachne"

"No Spider name?"

"I don't think so" They shrug.

There, Arachne is talking with another Diane?? Uh..okay.

"Remember, alternate universies, so you might see the same people"

Also, seeing Margo, working by the Go Home Machine.. creepy, her suit seems tech-like though.

(They're both pretty cool, gotta talk to them later)

O'KELLEY'S POWERS

While training with Aunt Imani, O'Kelley discovers:

WEB BURST: The user, with enough lethal venom in the body (hard for O'Kelley), can explode the webs, and cause lethal injuries to the target/another user. With low-toxicity venom, this trick is harder.

VEIN ???: Error-91802.

AGILITY AND FLEXABILITY: Agility runs in her families genes, and the flexibility being from her Mom, who was once an Olympic gymnast. (Tier 2).

VENOM SHOCK: This is also hard for O'Kelley to do, but it ends up getting more dangerous as the experience of being a spider hero grows. (But they don't know).

Tiers:

TIER 1: After making contact with an enemy/other user, her fingertips can release a slight shock, disorienting the person.

TIER 2: Making several touch attempts with the user can result in paralyzation for a clean 10-20 minutes.

TIER 3: Lingering pain after 2 bites from the user, pain is excruciating.

Tier 4: ?????

SHORT BLURB OF RAMONE AND O'KELLEY:

"Ramone, smile for the camera!" Yells O'Kelley, while Ramone works on her new suit.

"Nah, don't feel like it"

"C'mon Ramoonneee, whyy?".

"Have you seen my yearbook picture?! I'm NOT smiling again."

"It can't look THAT bad-"

Ramone shows O'Kelley her yearbook picture, it's Ramone smiling, but why doesn't she smile? It's so beautiful ^^.

"Your smile is beautiful, Ramone"

"No, it isn't" Ramone puts a mask on and grabs a saw to make the watch for O'Kelley's suit. The orange and yellow sparks fly.

"Ramonneee!! Even Mekell said your smile was beautiful, and they barely look at anyone!"

"Wait what?" Ramone takes the mask off. "They said that?"

"Mhm!"

"Must be.." They put their hand over their mouth in a thinking motion, then sigh. "Maybe it is.."

"Smile!" O'Kelley yells, trying it again, Ramone actually smiles, and she shows her the picture.

"See, it is beautiful!"

"Hm..it might be"

Ramone: friendship up!

Mekell and O'Kelley blurb:

"O'Kelley"

"Mekell"

They both stare into each others eyes, Mekell's lower eyes looking at O'Kelley's deep brown eyes, while O'Kelley doesn't know where to stare, her upper eyes, or her lower.

"Sorry if I seemed like an asshole when you first joined, don't like people, yk?"

"Oh, no, I totally get that, no worries"

"Cool" Mekell throws a watch at O'Kelley and walks away.

"Wait what am I-"

"Figure it out"

O'Kelley / Mekell = chaotic neutral

They def fight with each other on missions, but they do love each other (platonicly). They do bite each other, sometimes too hard. (Tier 4 flashbacks)

But they do care for each other.

@chessbox, congrats!! You made it down here!

-and yes, you can send questions about them (might make an ask game)

#spidersona #spiderman oc #spiderverse oc #This is just lore and stuff for now #O'Kelley Anderson!!🕸#If you want more info #You may ask!!!#Sorry for all the ranting!!

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pinkpinkmermayyy · 9 months

Text

a blurb for the coraline au hehe

@ace-and-sleepdeprived @chessbox @darksidescorner @hoe-bie @l0starl @punkeropercyjackson @skullghoulz @sp1derw1re @thecrowandtherose @t1r4misuu @the-cat-and-the-birdie @zainnbug @spidey-bie

___

As Miles reached the end of the long glowing tunnel, he quirked his brows in confusion at the sight before him. It was his house again, with the same furniture, walls, flooring, and decorations. Except it wasn’t quite the same. The painting with the boy and the bubbles on the wall were still there, and had the same scenario, but the expression on the boy’s face looked like he was about to do something sinister to it. The furniture also looked more colorful, the walls too, even in the dead of night.

He saw a warm light from the kitchen of this house, and smelled something that was absolutely delicious. Heading towards the source of the smell, he became confused once he saw his Mami with her back turned, whisking something in a bowl while humming softly. At least, that’s who he thought she was, judging from her silhouette. Only…

Only her skin was white as paper.

Only she was taller and thinner.

Only when she set her arms down to her sides, Miles noticed that her fingers were too long, always flexing and moving, and her long bright red nails were curved and sharp.

The 9 year old boy decided to catch her attention anyway.

“Mami?” He asked nervously. “What are you doing here in the middle of the night?”

She turned around swiftly, and Miles had to hold back a gasp when she saw her face. She smiled widely, her teeth showing, which were each a little too long and too white. Her lips were pale, and her tongue was a bright scarlet red, as if her mouth was bleeding. And in place of her eyes, were two large, shiny black buttons.

“You’re just in time dinner, cariño!”

Her voice was velvety and smooth, and way too cheerful for his real mother. Her sentence was spoken in a manner that seemed memorized, like she rehearsed that line for several years. Yet she didn’t seem to even speak proper Spanglish.

Miles pouted his lips and furrowed his brows. “You’re not my Mami. My Mami doesn’t have, b-bu-bu-“

“B-bu-bu-buttons?” She mocked him, chuckling as she poked her button eye with one of her strangely long fingers. “You like them? I’m your other mother silly. Now go tell your other father that dinner’s ready.”

Miles looked weirded out by the mention of another dad, standing there with his mouth ajar. “Well go on,” his other mother ordered again, her tone so sickingly sweet, “he’s in his study.”

Miles squinted his eyes and looked her up and down with an expression of suspicion, doing so until he left the kitchen and moved on to the room which his dad used for work.

The Other Mother kept staring at him, and her buttons eyes gleamed wickedly in the bright light of the room.

It was time to start weaving her web.

#atsv #spiderman atsv #spiderman across the spiderverse #atsv miguel #miles morales #atsv miles #miles atsv #rio morales #jeff morales #jefferson morales #coraline au #spiderverse au #atsv au #across the spider verse #spiderman across the verse #across the spiderverse #blurb

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fariesoiree · 10 months

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what do i write first? so mani ideas but ugh they’re all so good! vote on it pretty please?

please vote like actually bc i can’t decide myself 😭 and if you let me decide they both won’t get done for a week

#ੈ✩‧₊˚#hobie brown #hobie smut #hobie x black!reader

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autisticarach · 6 months

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Coyotl Maria Xóchitl Naxi

Nickname:

Coyote (hobie)

sweet boy (asa)

the only sane one here (miguel)

Alter Ego:

Tócatl

Race:

native mexican

Gender:

trans masc with top surgery

Dresses in a dark academia style, with mostly dark colors but always wears complicated braids and traditional earrings to rep his family

Sexuality:

omnisexual

Eye Color:

electric yellow

formerly dark brown, his eyes changed with his mutations

Hair:

Black hair with the mutations giving him bright yellow streaks that looks like lightning

Height:

5’8

usually wearing comfortable docs, Coyotl is the shortest of the polycule

Likes: sleep, Music ( riot grrrl, punk, rock, and folk, ballads), his friends, his family, piano

Dislikes: cops, bullies’, anything that’s outside of it’s pattern, loud noises

Mutations: besides the usual, electric yellow eyes, the ability to manipulate any type of electricity including the body’s as well as sense it (he’s the best at hide and seek cause he can feel and locate everyone’s electromagnetic fields), conductive webs, hair the starts to float to alert him of danger

His family is fully aware that he is tocatl so he often forgoes hiding himself when he’s home

Piercings: three lobe, tongue

Body type:

curvy

Random shit:

He’s learning to pole dance as a form of regulation

He has regular meltdowns from stress just because of his autism

lives at home with his family because he’s still trying to learn how people work.

goes through so many chew stems, like five a month until miguel gives him one that can stand up to his biting

the academic spider

Disability:

Autism

C-ptsd

Depression

generalized anxiety disorder

adhd

(@spidey-bie meet asa and hobie’s third)

#academic spider #coyotl naxi #astv #spidersona #spiderman atsv #spiderverse oc #spidersona oc #across the spiderverse

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ghost-infestation · 8 months

Text

Hi I'm actually making my own post on tumblr dot com bc boy do I suddenly have strong feelings and no other place to properly let them out, it'S a little scary to bear my soul to you like this, but listen. Croquettes, right?

I never cared that much for them; they were alright, but one of the lesser potato conversions, and I'm not a follower of the tater cult at the best of times. But here's the twist, the important factor about that opinion of mine: I'm German, and have lived all my life in Germany. And only when I set foot in the land of the brave to the west, the moist planes of the Netherlands, did I realize what a curse this national condition of mine was. See, I ate a croquette during a holiday in Holland, and I suddenly felt my soul and bones shatter inside me. There was STUFF in there. FLAVOR. I think there was some meat and some strange sauce flavor I couldn't place, and it was GOOD. SO GOOD. I mean, in the grand scheme of things it wasn't one of the best things I've ever eaten, not by a long shot; but it was, perhaps, the largest deviation between food expectation and food reality I've ever experienced. I expected mindnumbing blandness but what I got actually tasted of something.

See, here's the thing: I've had croquettes in Germany a very reasonable number of times, in a decent variation of settings. I've had them from frozen bags, I've had them in fancy restaurants, I've had them in delivery food, and they were always the same: Bland little pockets of potato paste in a not-quite-satisfying crust. They're slightly more inconvenient mashed potatoes disguised as mozzarella sticks. And not even GOOD mashed potatoes most of the time; I'm not that big on mashed potatoes to begin with, but it can be at least nice when done well, but most croquettes in this godsforsaken hell country are NOT done well. Most of them taste like sawdust wrapped in cardboard.

So I locked that away in my memory and returned home, thinking that the Dutch simply were a cut above us in the potato processing department. I scoured the stores and the web for ways to get dutch-style croquettes at home, but to no avail (I think the only shopping option I ever found was like really overpriced with a 1.5 star rating). With my Holland-bound relationship ended as well, I mourned that I'd perhaps never get the opportunity to return and have another above-average potato blob.

But then I went to holiday in Belgium. A restaurant we visited sold croquettes. I correctly suspected that, as Holland's other direct neighbor, they were likely to be a similar kind of deal, so I ordered them. And they were! Not quite as nice as the dutch ones, but still, it scratched the itch and simultaneously re-woke the by then slumbering resentment.

And now I go to Spain for a few days during Christmas, visit a Tapaz place, and lo and behold, the bloody Spaniards ALSO know how to make them good! In fact, these were the best ones yet! Anyway that was a few weeks ago and I'm not over it yet I'm so fucking mad bite bie maim kill cronch.

Anyway there's no real moral to this story, other than the German standard for what a Krokette should be is pitiful and that someone anyone PLEASE sell some dutch croquettes ANYWHERE PLEASE I BEG YOU. And Like yeah I'm sure it's not LITERALLY impossible to find Good Croquettes somewhere in this country, at least in bigger cities. And rest assured making them myself is up there on the to-do list once I get a kitchen of my own. Anyway, that's all, leave a message.

#German #German stuff #Kroketten #croquettes #croquettes my beloved #if you do know any place that does them right somewhere in central Germany do let me know

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spidey-bie · 9 months

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Everybody sitting there like Hobie would call you darling or honey when I know damn well he'd call me something like bastard, TNT, Sticks, or something 😭

#webbed for Bie #hobie x reader #jay and the spiders #TNT because of my explosive personality #sticks for the stick up my butt #bastard is self explanatory

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kdram-chjh · 1 year

Video

youtube

【小主别闹 Naughty Princess】 Full Version 倒霉皇上爱上落难郡主（许晓诺、张思帆）

Cdrama: Naughty Princess (2021)

Watch this video on Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SCM2ELz5uto

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the-cat-and-the-birdie · 5 months

Text

Hobie can't find Diane. He hasn't seen her in days. And sure, he's not one to worry. But how could he not? He checks everywhere, and then as a final resort - he asks Miles.

"You've seen Di?"

Miles gives him a sympathetic look. "Hobie, I'm really sorry." He says, and for a second Hobie thinks something is wrong. But no, it's even worse than he can imagine.

"I...I got her into this anime and now... I don't know man."

Miles introduces Disco-Spider Diane to Anime

[Aka Diane loves Gojo and writes smut on the DL]

Now Hobie has NEVER been jealous in his life. He'd be damned before he lets himself get jealous.

But when your girl is laid up on the couch watching JJK for two weeks straight and you walk in on her staring at this on the screen???

Going "Gojo~ 🥺 ... Sigh..."

🤨😐

When she starts watching BNHA, it's game over.

She's always talking about how cool Dabi is and how she wishes she had a hot morally questionable superpowered boytoy to squeeze.

Meanwhile Hobie is sitting besides her like 'I guess I'm just chopped liver, ain't I 😭. Might as well take this bloody guitar and end my misery, why don'tcha?'

She sees one photo of Mirko and goes 'Oh my god, Bie. She's literally just like me right? Babe, she's just like me? I remind you of her right? We like.. the same person 🥺'

And then THE COSPLAY BEGINS. Not that Hobie is complaining about Diane walking around in sexy cosplay outfits. It's just weird when he compliments her outfit, and she's like "Thanks! I got it from-"

And then proceeds to show him the most ridiculous anime character ever.

It starts leaking into real life.

They're in the middle of fights and whenever they win she stops to do a Jojo pose.

She wears Sailor Moon cosplay to Spider Society HQ and loudly proclaims "I'm a Sailor Scout. Not a Spider-person."

(Spider-Scout, the half Sailor-Scout, half Spider-person is not amused)

She says very loudly during a meeting "OMG isn't Miguel like, Levi from Attack on Titan but tall? Like he has to use the lazer webs to fly in the air the same way Levi needs the wires to kill Titans and-

And everyone is like GIRL WHAT and Gwen, the only other person who has ACTUALLY seen AOT is like "No?? Diane. What are you talking about??"

It all comes to a head finally when one day Hobie comes to eat lunch with Diane.

He's always fashionable late within reason, but he walks into the cafeteria to see Diane hunched over a notebook, writing away.

That's rare.

With her dyslexia, Diane hardly ever writes - typically Hobie reads books outloud, recording them on cassette tapes for Diane to listen to later. But here she was, scribbling away.

And even in her twisted tiny handwriting he could make out the words

'Gojo x Black!Reader: Eyes like Oceans'

Hobie has no idea what the word 'Smut' means, but she's written it all over the page with the words "MINORS DON'T READ!!!!"

When he asks what he's doing, she jumps out her skin.

Hobie fights back a smile. And maybe even a laugh. "You writing fanfiction?"

"Maybe. No. Yes."

"What? You think Imma tease you? Can't be that bad can it-"

Cue Hobie reading most raunchiest, detailed, hoe-ish Gojo smut imaginable while Diane sits there like

Meanwhile Hobie side-eying the hell outta her 😭😭

She's like "We don't need to talk about the blindfold part-"

"And the part with the spankin-"

"I SAID WE DON'T NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT."

Finally, after weeks - Hobie caves.

He agrees to watch ONE anime with her and Miles, cause he wants his girl back wth 😭😭

Miles gets to choose - and he chooses one he thinks Hobie will like: Death Note.

Hobie doesn't just like it - HE LOVES IT.

Except....

"Oi, why's this L coming after Light? Mans is in the right."

"Uhhh?? No??? He's killing people with a magical notebook. L is in the right."

"And I kill people with a guitar, ain't no difference."

"Yes there is-"

"Oh but when Jogo kills people it's fine but when I-"

"FIRST OF ALL his name is Gojo and second of all Do NOT bring up my man. Hobie we will get to brawling right now, don't test me-"

Meanwhile Miles is like "WILL THE TWO OF YOU SHUT UP 😭😭😭😭 GODDAAAMMNN."

.... They agree to disagree. And Miles regrets his decision.

Now Everytime Hobie catches her watching anime Hobie will point at the screen at Diane's character crush and go "Bet I could beat his arse" - just to establish dominance.

Is he jealous? NO! Is Gojo his mortal enemy because he stole his girl without even being real? YES!!!

It's okay Hobie. Just cosplay as Sasuke Uchiha and you'll have her back right away. Maybe.

#I needed an excuse to incorporate Megan's Anime obsession into Diane 😭#Diane's like 'I'll be Sakura and you be Sasuke? pweease?'#I don't watch jjk but Gojo is a great pic imo #spiderman #atsv #spider man #marvel #across the spiderverse #hobie brown #spider punk #spiderpunk #Hobie x oc #hobie brown x oc #spidersonas #spidersona #DiscoSpider #discopunk #disco spider

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kennak · 10 months

Quote

辰巳孝太郎氏によると万博を中止した場合、日本が参加国やBIEに支払う補償費上限は348億円とのこと https://twitter.com/kotarotatsumi/status/1722468765827494071 一方、日よけの木造リング建造だけでも最低350億円以上。中止でええやん。

[B! 万博] 「大阪万博、中止でええやん」署名続々　五輪や万博ってやめられないの？歯止めが利かない裏側にあるものとは：東京新聞 TOKYO Web

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notepadofalexandria · 29 days

Text

The Chinese Tattoo Prank

I'm putting this here for posterity - this was originally on the now-defunct ZUG.com, and you can se the original at https://web.archive.org/web/20090605024522/http://www.zug.com/pranks/tattoo/index.html

The joke is a bit cruel, and involves engaging in some stereotypical behavior that does not age well. However, it's too good to let it languish in the wayback machine.

--------

The Chinese Tattoo Prank

by Whistler

PART 1 - THE SETUP

I get easily bored at work. One of the ways I amuse myself is by playing little tricks on my co-workers. The more elaborate the prank, the longer I'm able to remain amused, so I have no qualms about going to extraordinary lengths for a gag with the most minimal payoff. The punch line is not the point; it's the journey there that keeps me going.

My most recent scheme involved tattoos. I noticed how many people were getting tattoos of Chinese characters, and wondered why Americans of European descent think there is some special magical property to all things Asian. Buddhism, acupuncture, kung fu, feng shui: if this crap originated in Germany, no one would care.

"Wan shang an!" I'd shout out when he came in. "Hao chi bao fan jin wan?"

The guy would respond, sometimes in English, I think, but no one can understand him, so sometimes I think he responded in Chinese. Once I think he said, "Crazy," in English, but I can't really be sure.

"Song bie!" I called out as he left. And he never failed to wave.

Naturally, some of the people who work for me asked if I knew how to speak Chinese. "Not really," was my response.

Anyway, we're in the middle of the busiest time of the year at work, and we have about 100 temps working for us. It is out of this group that I pick my mark: a young woman, probably 20 or so, and very pretty, in a kind of higher-class New Jersey trailer-park way. Sort of a skinnier, dirty-blonde version of Jessica Alba. She has a little haze of pot smoke around her, and a Chinese character tattooed on her bicep.

She's working in our bindery, and the first copy of every job off the binding line has to come to my desk for approval. Eventually everyone has to come in here. Finally, my victim arrives.

----

PART 2 - THE PUNCHLINE

My victim, the 20-something girl with the Chinese tattoo, has just walked into my office. "Hao dan!" I start.

"Huhnwha?" she replies.

"Wu zhuang diao?"

"Are you talking to me?"

"Mei yu sheng han?"

She stands there, looking confused.

"You don't speak Chinese?" I ask.

"No, why?"

"Well, I saw the tattoo, and I thought you must."

"No."

So I launch into the questions: what made her decide on a Chinese symbol, who was the artist, were they Chinese, everything except what the symbol stood for. She stammers through the answers, which boil down to no real reason for the Chinese, no real interest in Asian culture or language, just got the tat from some white American dude in a shop in Sayerville. Then she launches into an explanation of what it means: inner peace or some nonsense.

"No," I tell her, "it says 'hao fu,' which means bean curd."

"What?"

"Bean curd. You know, like tofu. Kind of sounds like tofu -- hao fu, tofu, tofu, hao fu. Pleased to meet you!"

"There's no way," she says, "it means inner peace."

"Did you bring the art to him, or did you pick it from a book at his shop?"

"He had a bunch of them on the wall."

"Well, I think the guy is having you on," I tell her. "He probably copied a bunch of symbols from a take-out menu and hung them up on the wall."

"I don't believe it," she says.

"Well, believe what you want, but I spent six years in mainland China teaching English when I first got out of college, and I picked up a little bit of Mandarin while I was there."

"Oh, shit."

"Here, don't believe me, let's look at a menu." I lift up the blotter on my desk, and underneath it is a utili-jac (kind of a glassine envelope) filled with take-out menus. About halfway through the stack is one from The Great Wall.

Note: Not actual menu.

"Here it is, vegetarian meals, bean curd, HAO FU!" I hold out the menu, and there, in black and white, is the exact symbol she has on her arm (well, pretty close).

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PART 3 - THE PAYOFF

Now, you don't have to be trained as a graphic artist, or working for a company on the cutting edge of printing technology, to be able to scan and doctor a take-out menu. But if someone you know is, you might want to be a little wary of any printed documents they show you as proof of something.

"Oh, shit."

"Look," I tell her, sympathetically, "it's not as if anyone will know. Outside of actual Chinese people. And it could still mean the same thing to you that it always did. Wow! I better get back to work. And you better get that sign-off book back out to your operator."

As she left the room, I called out cheerily, "Song bie!"

I looked back and everyone in the room was looking at me, silent.

"You guys think she bought it?" I asked.

"Shit," said my assistant, Sam, "I bought it."

General hilarity ensued, and many congratulations, and much admiration of my mad, leet graphix skillz, and passing around of the phony menu. Only Roberta, one of my project managers, was unimpressed. She thought it was mean. And started making me feel guilty. So I went out to the bindery to 'fess up and apologize.

The poor girl was sitting in a chair, surrounded by four or five of her co-workers, crying hysterically. She started threatening to drive down to Sayerville and stab the tattoo artist, or to just slice the tat off herself. The permanent staff in the bindery had agreed that I was probably fluent in Chinese. It took me nearly three quarters of an hour to convince her that the whole thing was a joke. I had to take her back in the office and show her the original menu, and the doctored version on my computer, and finally to call my mother on the phone and have her verify that I had never been to China.

So the joy of my successful prank has been pretty well dulled, and I'll probably be facing disciplinary action for this, but at least I got an article out of it.

#Internet heritage post #story time #I am not OP

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