#weird ex girlfriends and their respective friend groups that mix just a little

[ewwww-what]

I like to think that Gorgug hangs out with the seven the way Zelda hangs out with the bad kids. You know that horrible awkward feeling where you only know one person at a party? It’s like that but everyone else at the party is inseparable and they keep teasing you (in a good-natured way) with jokes you don’t understand, and all you can do is smile and nod and try so hard not to embarrass yourself in front of these people you perceive as way too cool for you.

[lsholland]

London Lights (pt. 1) - Tom Holland

Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader (1st person)

Genre: Party!Tom

Warnings: swearing; alcohol; nothing much but I don’t recommend -18 to read.

Word count: 1.9k

Author’s note: Hey guys! That’s my first story on this blog. I hope you’ll like it. I’m not native so there may be a few mistakes. I’m trying a new genre of fiction. It’s my first Tom Holland fiction. It’ll be a series of 2-3 chapters. If you want to be part of the master list for Tom please like this post and message me. 

Synopsis: Quarantine has been tough. I’ve lost my boyfriend, and I’m feeling lonely. Clubs and restaurants are open again, but I feel like it’ll never be like it used to. My friends have been pushing me to install Tinder and go on dates. Well, tonight, I’m going on a date. I don’t really want to but I’m going to try and have fun for once. Just a few drinks and I’ll go home. What else could happen?

PS. You can read the story on Wattpad.

What am I doing here? I think to myself.

I matched with this guy on this famous dating app . . . And now I'm supposed to meet him here, at this bar. But I don't want to. I'm just hoping he won't show up so I can escape from this shit-place.

I've been seated at the table for a good 5 minutes. The waitress cleans up the table next to mine and asks if I'm ready to order.

No, I want to leave.

I quickly glance at the drinks menu.

"Ehm . . . A pour over Irish coffee, please."

She nods and leaves. I don't even know what I just ordered. I hope it tastes good. Hopefully it'll make me drunk enough not to remember this awful date.

It hasn't even started yet.

I'm sweating.

"Hey there" says a husky voice right behind me.

I turn around and see my date. His name is Jordan. He's good-looking and I bet he's intelligent, but I don't have this feeling with him. I don't know why I accepted to go on a date in the first place. It's awkward.

"Hey!" I grin.

"Have you ordered something already?" he asks, touching his short, clean beard. "I'm thirsty!"

He looks nice.

*

The waitress hands me my third drink. They help the clock tick a little faster.

He's been talking about his job, his passions. He loves football and practises daily. He has 2 sisters and lives in Camberwell.

Cute.

For a moment, I feel sad for him. He drove all the way to this East London bar, put effort trying to look nice and being cool . . . and yet, he doesn't know it but he has no chance to get lucky tonight. Not with me.

I shouldn't be sorry.

But I am.

I glance around looking for something that might be a little more entertaining than him. I realise I've avoided eye contact since he arrived. I finally glimpse at him. He has beautiful hazel eyes.

Still not enough.

I quickly check my phone. It's getting late. I don't know how to end this.

"Look," I slightly bend over the table. "I'm so sorry but I don't feel like it tonight"

"I noticed." He smirked. "Kinda awkward, innit?"

I chuckle. I am so embarrassed.

"It's okay, though." He added. "I'm just trying to meet new people. I broke up with my ex-girlfriend a few weeks ago. My mates told me I should try these apps."

Okay, now I feel worse than ever. He's been so nice with me and that's how I treat him. I grab my drink and gulp it down.

I shouldn't have done this.

"Let's go dance. I owe you one." I say as I grab his hand and walk towards the dancing area. It becomes difficult to keep my head straight.

I'm drunk, I must admit.

I'm going to regret it, my sober-self shouts in my head.

I don't care is what I reply.

The dancing area is not crowded, but there are already a few people. Most of them are girls.

Girls . . . I wish my friends were not so busy all the time. I would've come to this bar with them instead of wasting my time with strangers.

I start dancing. I stare at him. He looks amused.

A group of guys join the dancefloor and all the girls on my right start screaming. It's so high pitched I cringe.

"What the fuck guys?" I shout, trying to focus on the music.

"Woah, that's Spider-Man!" says my date. He grabs my chin and makes me look in his direction.

No way, I think. It's actually him.

I know he lives in the area, but I've never met him before. It's always weird to see movie stars in real life. They look so much more attractive.

He is so much more attractive.

I try not to be a drunk fangirl and shyly wave to him. He doesn't notice.

"You wanna go and take a picture with him?" my date asks.

"Oh, no, no!" I answer. I'm blushing. "I don't even know what I'd tell him."

He laughs.

The worst thing that could happen is to annoy him during a night out. He needs privacy and I must respect it.

But it's so difficult.

I can't stop staring at him. I don't even control it. Being drunk doesn't help.

"D'you want a beer?" I ask my date whose name I completely forgot.

He nods.

I weave my way through the crowd. I can't believe there are so many people on the dancefloor. The area is so busy since the Spider-Man actor walked in.

Even the bar area is crowded.

I let my body rest against a barstool but quickly lose balance and almost fall on the dirty floor. The flickering lights are making me feel dizzy. I grip the counter and get up. I peer around to make sure nobody saw me.

He did.

I dust off my dress trying to save the dignity I have left.

"Want something?" someone asks behind me. I turn around, it's the barman.

"Two pints of Guinness, please."

I glance back at the same spot, but he's gone. It must've been a dream. I'm so drunk I can't trust everything I think I see.

I'm grabbing both my drinks and look around trying to find my date, but there are too many people. I take a sip of my beer and hold the other one above my head.

Someone hits my arm.

Oh no.

"Oh my God I'm so sorry!" yells the drunk blond girl.

I look at my dress. It's soaking wet. I politely smile at her. "It's okay," I mouth.

What a mess. I glance at the lavatory door. I need to go and save my dress.

"You haven't been lucky here."

I turn around to find out who's talking to me.

It's him. Tom Holland. Talking to me.

"What?" is all I manage to say.

"Do you need a hand?" he politely asks.

I blush so much it's noticeable in the dark.

I'm choking. I'm panicking.

I give him my two beers and walk towards the lavatory. I'm surely starstruck. And drunk. This isn't a good mix.

Once in the room, I grab a handful of tissues and try to soak up my dress. I groan. Did I expect to make that beer mark disappear? Yes. Did it work? Of course not.

I watch my face in the mirror.

I look like shit, I think.

A door slams shut. Two young girls just walked in.

"OH, MY G—THAT'S TOM HOLLAND!" shouts one. They are both panting.

I roll my eyes.

Oh . . . I've given him my beers. What about my date?

"Shit!" I hiss.

I violently open the door and frown my eyebrows as the lights blind me.

He's just here gazing at me. Two beers in his hands. One of them is half empty, the rest being displayed on my dress.

"I'm so sorry!" I say embarrassed as ever.

He smirks. "No worries." He hands me the full glass of beer.

I give him a questioning look as I grab it. What about the other one? Oh, right—He's drinking it.

"What's your na—"

I stop him.

"I know who you are." I peer down. "I'm sorry I didn't wanna disturb you" I say as I'm walking away.

This time I'm smart enough to avoid the crowd on my way out.

"That's rude to leave without saying goodbye!" Tom shouts from a distance.

I turn around and stare at him. He's got a soft smile; he doesn't look drunk at all. I wave him goodbye.

Now, he's approaching me.

"I meant to your boyfriend" he nods in the direction of my date who was dancing with a group of other people.

"He's not my—" is all I can say before he chuckles.

"I figured."

"How?" I clench my jaw. I'm hypnotised by his hand running through his hair. And his smile. And his lips.

"I can barely hear you," he points at a booth in the corner of the room "maybe we could sit there" he suggests.

My mouth softens into a smile.

It's difficult to walk with Tom Holland. Every couple of seconds he's stopped by fans requesting a picture. And he accepts every time.

I'd never be so patient.

"What's that?" he asks.

"It must be so annoying sometimes." I tell him as I sit on the booth.

"When they're nice and ask me, it's cool." He chooses to sit next to me. I can feel his arm touching mine. My heart is racing. He uses his other arm to hold his chin; he looks at me with so much intensity. Sometimes peering down my lips.

His face is so close, but he keeps talking. I can feel his breath on my skin. I'm going to burst into flames. "But when they're taking pictures without asking first, that's delicate."

I nod. I can't really listen to what he's talking about. I'm trying not to lose control.

"So, what's your name?"

He smiles when I tell him. "Why did you leave your date alone?" he asks.

I'm so nervous I stutter. I can't find my words. "I . . . I wasn't in the mood. He knows it. I shouldn't have come here."

"I'm happy you came." He says looking me in the eyes.

I raise my eyebrows. "Are you flirting with me?"

He barks out a laugh and breaks the eye contact. He rests his head on the wall behind us.

He isn't as confident as I thought he'd be. I don't know what's up with him, but I enjoy it.

I suddenly remember he's a movie star. He's always being watched. I glance at the crowd and see flashing lights. They're taking pictures of us.

I'm getting dizzier.

I don't want to see my face on a dumb article talking about Tom Holland's mysterious partner. I don't even know him.

"This is stupid" I mumble.

Tom is intrigued. He hasn't got a clue what I'm talking about. He hasn't even noticed the fans stalking him.

"I'm sorry, I gotta go" I abruptly say as I stand up. "Have a good night."

I grab my phone and leave the venue. I'm upset because I really wish I could've met him in a different context. I open my Uber app: there's no driver available.

Shit.

How's that even possible on a Friday night? In London?

I refresh the app, but it doesn't work. I guess I'll have to walk home.

A part of me wants to go back in this bar and spend time with Tom. He's sweet and I'm sure we would've had so much fun together. I glance through the window trying to see his face one last time, but I can't find him.

"What are you looking for?"

I cringe.

"Oh, sorry I didn't mean to startle you."

It's him. It's Tom.

"What are you doing here?" I ask.

"Going home too. The fun of the party is leaving . . ." he sighs. I smile back at him. I'm embarrassed.

I stand in front of him, none of us say a word. It's awkward. I'm getting anxious and walk away. I'm so overwhelmed.

He grabs my shoulder. "Wait, are you walking home?"

"Yeah, it's okay don't worry." I smile.

"I can drive you home."

"Sorry, but you've been drinking. I won't let you drive me." I curtly say.

He grins. He looks at one of his mates and nods.

"No way I'm letting you walk home alone," he sighs "besides, you're drunk."

"Come with me then" I instantly reply without thinking.

He nods.

What?

He's coming with me. My heart is racing. I won't survive a 30-minute drunk walk with him.

Not with his beautiful glossy eyes staring at me.

Not with my burning desire to kiss him.

[a-skeleton-of-something-m0re]

Cockney Kisses

Warnings: Smut, smoking.

Word count: 4,298

Summary: You and Dean had broken up a couple of months ago, but at a random dinner party you see him for the first time since you split, and you're far from over him and it seems like he's not really over you either.

A/N: Smut is between the asterisks (*) so you can skip it or skip right to it, as you prefer. Please let me know if you spot any typos, missing words, wrong verb forms, and so on, so I can fix it.

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25793386

Arriving at the dinner party you didn't quite know what to expect. Your head was somewhere else, for the past month you had been feeling quite empty and disconnected, unsure if it had anything to do with the breakup you had gone through 3 months prior. You really liked Dean, and now looking back you had no idea what had happened that might have led you two apart. Were you too different? , you wondered, was it him that didn't like you anymore? Was it you that stopped liking him?. No, that wasn't it, you still thought about him all the time, you still had so much love for him...

Amidst your musings you were met with the man of your dreams, in all the senses of the phrase. There he was, right there in front of you, in the flesh. In a black suit that fitted him perfectly, his hair done all nice and smooth, he always looked so handsome in a suit. You hadn't seen him since you broke up.

He looked at you and smiled, that gorgeous, sweet smile of his that you had no idea you missed so much. You felt your heart tighten with longing for Dean, you were far from over him. He approached you, placed a hand on the exposed skin of your arm and kissed your cheek, you couldn't help but blush a little at the touch and suddenly you felt so shy, like you were meeting him for the first time. All the intimacy you two had shared, whether it be in the form of shared bodies in the bedroom or in the form of disclosed secrets and innermost thoughts, came flooding through your mind.

And now it was like you were old acquaintances, making small talk at a random event.

"Hi, how have you been?", he asked with a smile, and you thought you saw the faintest slight of pink tingeing his cheeks.

You smiled back shyly and replied "Good, how about you?"

You both stood there a little awkwardly, trying to make small talk for a couple more minutes before you went back to your respective friend groups to spend the rest of the evening.

After dinner, as always, you sneaked up to the top of the building, sometimes all you had was a remote corner of a bar or room or  a quiet garden somewhere, or wherever place you could find that was the most secluded at an event. You weren't really one for parties, always hated crowds, would much rather have small, intimate gatherings with people you actually knew and liked.

You sat on the cold cement floor of the rooftop overlooking the night sky and the city lights, such a beautiful and peaceful scenery. You instantly felt more relaxed. You fixed the smooth fabric of your long black dress over your legs, covering them completely, and hugged your knees.

It was chilly, not too much, but enough to make your arms cold. After a while you hear the door to the rooftop open and close, you didn't look back to peep at the person, the roof was big enough for someone to go over to the other side and not even notice you.

But soon after, you hear feet approaching and someone sits down beside you. You finally glance sideways and see Dean on your right, a cigarette in his mouth and his signature cheeky smile.

"Thought you might be here...", he said, the words partially muffled due to the cigarette in his mouth. He took a lighter out of the pocket of his suit jacket and lit it up, covering it until the tip ignited like a little ember and joined the tiny city lights.

You turned away, looking at your feet, lightly scraping the cement with the tip of your shoe.

"You always did have a weird sixth sense for finding me...", you say, still looking down.

"Thought you had quit.", you added, pointing at the cigarette.

He gives you a sad smile and shrugs, saying "Some things never change, I guess...".

You looked back down again, a comfortable silence taking over for a few minutes.

He brushed the back of his fingers against your arm, checking to see if you were cold, the warmth of his hand contrasting with your chilly skin, the gesture so nonchalant, like it was a regular thing to do to ex-girlfriends.

Silently, he removed his jacket and placed it over your shoulders, trying to cover as much of your arms as he could. You thanked him, not even attempting to decline his kind gesture and the comfort it brought you. He used to do this all the time when you were together, he knew you weren't cold per se but your arms always got chilly. Besides, it had an emotional warmth to it, the heat of his body and his scent still lingering on the jacket always made you feel much more at ease after a long night of dealing with too many people. You smiled at the memories, you missed having someone in your life that cared that much about you.

You looked at Dean, eyeing him up and down, he looked gorgeous in that suit...

"Looking very dapper...", you said with a smile, "Gonna have to set up a queue for all the ladies tonight...", you added.

He chuckled, taking a drag of the cigarette and slowly exhaling the smoke through his mouth.

"Thanks.",  he said with a coy smile, the word coming out charged with his characteristic cockney accent. "Highly doubt it, though... Haven't had much luck in that department lately...", he added, eyes glued to the city ahead.

You turn your head forward, looking at the skyline, unable to hold the slight smile tugging at your lips, you couldn't help but feel a little glad at the fact that he probably hadn't been with anyone else since you broke up, too. It was kind of selfish of you, but the pang of guilt quickly faded.

"Well, that makes two of us.", you confess with a sigh.

"The ladies giving you a hard time too?", he asks mockingly.

You chuckle at the corny joke that you were already half expecting.

"Haven't had much luck in any department really...", you mumbled. "But I especially miss sex...", you confess with an ironic chuckle, unsure if it was the champagne taking advantage of your low alcohol tolerance, or the actual fact that you hadn't shaboinked since you and Dean broke up.

And now he was right there, looking utterly heavenly in that suit, smoking like he didn't have a care in the world and you knew what his lips would taste like if you kissed, slightly like alcohol mixed with the faintest taste of smoke; And his neck would smell like his cologne, that he always applied on all the recommended pulse points, and if you buried your face in his dress shirt you would smell the smoke there too, and the light scent of the detergent from his regular dry-cleaner's, and God... You just really wanted him right now.

You must have been staring at him like a hungry wolf, but he didn't seem to mind. A knowing smirk gracing his lips when he met your gaze, electricity pulsing in the air between you. You were almost sure he knew what was going through your head, he had a knack for guessing what you were thinking sometimes.

He looked down, expelling another cloud of smoke, that smirk still lingering on his face. "Yeah, I miss that too... Haven't been with anyone since we broke up.", he said, looking at the sky ahead.

Silence falls between you once again. Both of you unsure what to say next.

"So... You still living Isaac?", you ask after a while, trying to sound casual like there wasn't an ulterior motive hiding behind the question.

"No, he moved out a month ago.", he replied, exhaling smoke towards the city sky. "Why? Wanna pay me a visit one of these days?", he asked cheekily, sending you a side glance, that stupid, delicious smirk still marking his features.

You look over at him, smiling and blushing slightly before you say "I was thinking more like tonight...".

 [...]

 Now you were in his bedroom, both of you busy with taking your respective shoes and socks off, Dean on one side of the bed and you on the other, like you were just a regular couple coming home after a night out, were it not for the slight nervousness hanging in the air.

"I'm gonna cum embarrassingly fast.", you say blatantly, opening the zipper on your high heels.

"Well, that makes two of us.", he replied with a smile, "But we've got all night.", he added in a low tone.

You climbed on the bed, resting on your knees, facing him, Dean did the same on the other side, one of his hands reached for his tie as his fingers expertly worked the knot, slowly removing it, his eyes deliberately fixed on yours while he did it. His suit pants and dress shirt were still on as he approached you till you were only a few inches apart.

(*)

He grabbed your hips and pulled you in even closer, heat seeping in from his hands through the thin fabric of your dress and spreading through your whole body. He placed his forehead against yours, you could feel his breath on your lips, your hands slid all the way from his lower abdomen to rest on his chest, his breath quickening at the contact.

He moved to kiss your cheek and made his way to your ear, playfully nibbling on it, making your breath hitch, a smirk formed on his face from seeing he still had an effect on you.

He kissed the place bellow your ear and whispered "I missed you so much...", putting his head in the crook of your neck and inhaling your scent while wrapping his arms around you with a sigh, like someone who finally arrived home after a long day.

You felt how his body instinctively relaxed as you wrapped your arms tightly around his neck, revelling in the feeling of just being able to hold him like this again, the embrace unusually sweet and innocent in comparison to the reason that brought you to his room in the first place.

"I missed you terribly, you have no idea...", you replied, hugging him tighter.

Minutes passed until Dean broke the embrace to finally place his lips on yours, his kiss soft and slow but sensual, his hands grabbing your face eagerly, your fingers wrapping around his wrists with just as much fervour. Lips parting only when you both ran out of breath, smiling and staring at each other like two kids who had just discovered kissing, before you dipped in for another kiss, this one slightly more hungry.

Your first kiss in months and you would be content with just doing this, just kissing him for hours, nothing else, and you would die a happy woman.

He sucked on your bottom lip, giving it a playful nibble before he slipped his tongue into your mouth clashing it with yours, massaging it with his own. His hands slid all the way from your face to your hips, and then moved to squeeze your ass, pushing your bodies even closer, until your hips met. Your lips parted, both of you breathless, your hands, that had moved to Dean's neck when he released your face, made their way to the buttons on his dress shirt, slowly opening them one by one and then as slowly untucking the shirt from his pants, the feeling of it being dragged away against his boxer briefs was enough to make him suck a breath, and a mischievous grin spread across your face as you kissed him once more.

Your hands slid under his shirt and glided from his lower abdomen, up to his chest and then to his shoulders where you slipped the shirt down his arms and threw it to the floor, your lips still connected, your tongues rolling over each other.

You undid his belt, then slowly dragged the zipper down, making sure your fingers brushed lightly against his crotch, the touch making him even harder. You pulled the pants down as further as they would go and Dean broke the kiss, clumsily sitting on the bed to eagerly pull his pants all the way down as fast as he could and threw them to the floor.

He got back on his knees, smiling at your amused expression before he grabbed your hips again with need and pulled them flush against his, your hands grabbing his biceps for steadiness. He brushed his lips against yours, teasing you simultaneously by not giving you his mouth and by pressing his hardness against you, making you squeeze his biceps harder.

Desperate with need, you moved your hands to the back of his head, pulling it down so you could crash your lips against his, your fingers dived in his smooth hair and lightly tugged on it, the action eliciting a small groan from Dean.

He moved his hands to the hem of your dress, trying to get it off, you lifted your knees to help him slide it from under your legs and up and over your raised arms, leaving you both now only in your underwear.

His hands quickly returned to your body, now skin on skin, his touch burned as he slowly slid them all the way from your shoulders down to your lower back, digging his fingers into the skin there, while his tongue continued to move against yours.

He splayed his hands dragging them back up your back, stopping in the middle to unclasp your bra and then gently pulling each strap down your shoulders before removing it completely. His gaze closely following his movements.

His eyes met yours again before he kissed your lips, his hands made their way down from your collarbones to your hips, thumbs absentmindedly brushing your nipples on the way down before coming to rest below your ribcage, his fingers grasping the skin hungrily, before sliding back up to your chest to massage your breasts and caress your nipples with the tip of his thumbs, making them obediently perk up at the touch.

He moved his kisses to your jaw line,  and then to your neck, where he licked and sucked the delicate skin there, making you gasp. He continued his path down, leaving a trail of fresh love bites all the way to your breasts while your nails ran through his back softly, leaving a trail of goose bumps in their wake.

You grabbed the back of his neck, thumbs hooking under his jaw, eagerly pulling him back up to your lips, your tongue invading his mouth and swirling around his while one of your hands slid between his legs, slowly stroking him over his black boxer briefs.

His breath quickened, his mouth becoming ajar, you took this opportunity to leave open mouthed kisses all over his jaw and down his neck, nibbling on his collarbone, making your way down, while one of  his hands moved from your nape to your hair, tugging at the roots lightly.

You moved your hands down his sides and slipped them under his boxer briefs, giving his ass a playful squeeze. He looked down at you smiling, still panting, you looked up at him returning the smile and teasingly bit his belly making him wince, you removed his underwear and pushed him on the bed, quickly straddling him and slowly rolling  your hips against his, his hands squeezing your thighs hard.

He bucked his hips up making you slightly lose your balance, and used it as an opportunity to move his hands to your hip bones and roll you over, pinning you underneath him, his hands let go of your wrists and his fingers moved to lace with yours while his head dipped in to give you a slow, passionate kiss.

You wrapped your legs around his waist, pushing his hips down against yours so you could rub yourself against his hard length.

Dean breaks the kiss and takes off your only remaining piece of underwear. He quickly puts two fingers into his mouth before he brings them to your clit, rubbing it, making you arch your back and grind against his hand. His lips connect with yours again as he slides his fingers down to your soaked entrance and inserts one, slowly moving it inside and out a few of times before adding another, his palm still rubbing your clit.

"Please, just get inside me...", you plead, looking up at him. He flashes a smile and gives you a quick peck on the lips before grabbing a condom from the bedside table and putting it on.

He positions himself between your legs and uses one of his hands to guide his length as he, very slowly, sinks in to you.

"Fuck...", he mutters under his breath as your tight warmth envelops him, one of his hands going up to grip the sheets next to your head while the other remained on your hip.

You grab onto him, fingers digging into his hips. He slowly pulls back and eases in again, his forehead coming to rest against yours as you exchange breathless kisses.

He repeats the movement, his hips setting up a slow pace as his hands fly to your neck, thumbs delicately caressing your throat, your pulse beating rapidly underneath them as his mouth consumed yours.

You moan into his mouth, your hands running through his back as your legs wrap tighter around his waist, pulling him closer and deeper.

He moves his weight to one of his elbows, his other hand gripping your thigh as his hips continue to draw slow thrusts into you, your breaths heavy as you lock eyes, the intimacy between the two of you had never left, neither did your love and admiration for each other, all of those feelings and more now coming up to the surface and flooding through you.

He dips in for another deep kiss, one of your hands moving from the back of his neck and into his hair, the other gripping onto his shoulder blade.

He picks up the pace, his hips thrusting into you faster, a thin sheen of sweat covered your entwined bodies, Dean's cheeks starting to flush red from the effort and the pleasure.

His fingers digging hard into the skin of your hips, the friction caused by the closeness of your bodies stimulating you in time with his thrusts, pushing you dangerously close to the edge.

"Fuck, I'm so close...", you mutter breathlessly, true to your words earlier on.

You feel him smirk against the crook of your neck, he places an open mouthed kiss there, then licks a stripe up to your ear, nibbling on the lobe, making you shiver with pleasure, his hips continuing to slam into yours.

He pulls up, now supporting his weight on his knees, your bodies still linked as he slows down his thrusts, his hands gripping the junction of where your hips meet your legs. You gasp at the loss of friction and reach for his now distant body, slowly raking your nails through his stomach and then placing your hands atop his.

A provocative smile plays on his lips as he lazily rolls his hips into yours, not giving you what you want, that cocky little teasing bastard... But two can play that game.

You detach yourself from Dean, catching him by surprise, and quickly straddle his lap, making him sit back down on his knees. You kiss him hard, hands gripping the sides of his neck, and then slide one of them down, grabbing his cock and aligning it with your entrance as you slowly sink down onto him, both of you releasing soft moans as the new position got him buried deeper inside you than before.

You ride him slow, your hips moving in lazy circles, his hands move to cup your ass, squeezing it and urging you to move faster, you smirk, wrapping your arms around his neck and kissing him once more before you give in to his wishes and pick up the pace.

Both of you now struggling to hold on just a little longer, torn between the need to go slow and enjoy every little detail and the hunger to consume each other, to appease the fire burning inside.

One of your hands reaches for the back of his head, lightly tugging on the soft hair there while the other remains on his neck. He moves his hands up your back, wrapping his arms around you, tightening the embrace, pushing your slick, hot bodies even closer together, your hips now slamming against his.

He tilts his head up to press sloppy kisses on your lips, his cheeks stained red, his forehead covered with a thin layer of sweat, both of you a panting mess. You wrap your arms around his neck, pulling him even closer to you, it felt like there wasn't enough of him, you wanted even more of him as you slammed your hips down against his even faster.

The feeling of his scorching skin rubbing against yours, hitting all the right spots, the feeling of him inside you, of his strong arms pulling you close against his body were making you fall apart.

Drowning in pleasure, you clench around him, a small moan escaping your lips as Dean thrusts up into you a couple more times, burying his face on your chest and groaning softly as he comes undone.

You both stand there, unmoving, panting for a solid minute before Dean slides his legs from underneath him and lies down with you still on top, your head resting on his chest. He removes himself from you, gets rid of the condom and absentmindedly starts running his fingers through the valley of skin where your spine stretches through.  

Silence hanged in the air, both of you now painfully aware that this was about more than just sex, some raw needs had been fulfilled, but there was still something missing, it was clear you both still loved each other.

Feeling completely blissed out and exhausted you both drifted to sleep.

(*)

[...]

Hours later, after having woken up and made sure you made up for all the lost time in the bedroom, you're now lying naked on the bed face down. With your head resting on your folded arms you turn it sideways in Dean's direction, "Aren't you gonna have a smoke?", you ask playfully.    

He is sitting down, slouching a bit, his head and shoulders pressed against the headboard, his hands resting on the sheet that covered him up to his belly button. His hair a mess, sticking in all directions, but still looking extra smooth despite the work of your lustful fingers.

"I quit.", he finally replied with a sad smile, glancing over at your slightly confused expression before looking away.

The memory of your rooftop encounter earlier, where he had a cigarette between his lips, flashes through your mind.

"I asked a mate for a cigarette so I had an excuse to go to the rooftop without you suspecting it might be just to see you...", he added with a sad smile, slightly embarrassed at the confession.

[...]

More hours passed, but you were both still lying completely naked in bed, bellies down, having a heart to heart like the good ol' days. Your eyelids were heavy, but still you refused to stop looking at each other, like you might not get the chance again. Dean's hand laid on the pillow, under your chin, his thumb lazily stroking it from time to time, while your hand rested on his forearm, your thumb mimicking his actions.  

"I finally finished that script I told you about before, not sure if you remember...", he said hesitantly, his voice deep with sleep, the last part came out so quietly you almost didn't catch it.

"Of  course I do!", you said with a reassuring smile, making a smile pop right back in his face too.

"You would never let me read it, though...", you added with fake resentment. "Can I read it now that it's finished?",  you asked, eyes begging.

"You don't have too, this isn't why you're here for...", he said, a sad tone underlying his words.

"Just let me see!", you replied, stretching out your hand in a 'give it here' motion.

He obeys, reaching for the drawer in his bedside table and taking out a thin pile of scribbled up paper sheets secured on top by a paper clip.

"This is still a rough first draft... It's just... I just... Wanted to see what you think...", he said, holding it away from your open hand.

"It's okay, I've been dying to read it. I'm sure it's good, and what matters the most is that you did it and hopefully enjoyed doing it. It's your first time too, so you can't be too harsh on yourself and expect an Oscar winning screenplay first try, love.", you said sitting up, the affectionate nickname slipping out of your mouth out of habit from when you were together.

He gave you one of those side smiles, the pet name not going by unnoticed, and placed the script in your hand.

He had always been so insecure about his work and everything he did, yet he was so good and always worked so hard, it broke your heart knowing he couldn't see that himself.

You look at the title: "Cockney Kisses: an Essex Western" and chuckle.

"Looks very promising already.", you say smiling, flipping to the first page.

[popculturebuffet]

Hickman’s X-Men One Year In: Part 2: The Dawn of X

And we’re onto part 2. Since it took me a while to talk about Hickman’s Series outside of Giant-Size and the setup here, that’s in part one if your curious, I split this little retrospective into two parts, with this part here talking about the rest of the books. This isn’t to say they aren’t great, many of them are, it was just easier to do this as a two parter so with HIckman himself out of the way how did his hand picked batch of talented writers handle the lofty status quo he set up?Find out under the cut. Pax Krakoa baby. 

Mauraders Okay just to get this out of the way this is my second faviorite x-book running, after X-Men itself and it often equals it and far and away the best tile of the run and restored my faith in Gerry Duggan.  Duggan is not a bad writer and I blame the messy finish of his otherwise awesome guardians run with infnity wars on marvel trying to cram other characters into it and then a weird mash up idea that while cool, kept the guardians out of their own damn event and from confrting a now mad gamora, but that and deadpool made me forget the guy is a good writer and can do great things. Maruaders however won me back to him with intrest.  A unique concept, the x-men as pirates helping ferry goods to krakoan allied states and ferry trapped mutants from hostile ones, is fucking awesome. The only thing missing is nightcrawler and it’s clear hickman has other plans, though I still feel he shoudl’ve been on the boat as he has both the relation to kitty pryde and pirate pedgree that fit in perfectly.  Speaking of kitty after years of writers misusing her due to having a crush on her as a kid and shoving her into half baked romances with peter quill and her ex peter rasptuin, the latter failing so badly that marvel pulled the plug on their wedding because fans clearly didn’t want it, and battling my own reluctance ot see her front and center again, Duggan makes good use of her again: Kitty is given the unique hook of the portals not working for her and no one, even her old friend Doug after he gets back, being able to figure out WHY. Though I do hope Doug does show up here and explain it more, as him being kitty’s best friend once is rarely brought up since he got back and it’s silly it hasn’t been. But rather than take this on the chin Kitty strikes up a crew consisting of big sister Storm, first class graduate x-man, badass gay and kitty’s friend and ex iceman, bishop who reluctantly joins as her bishop more on that in a second and the best of them by a mile: Pyro. The original, finally brought back and given some intresting backstory: he was the first mutant brought back and felt good about it..t ill he realized that despite sacrificing himself to save a, if your familiar with the various cartoons this will be baffling but trust me, reformed senator kelly as Pyro himself was dying from the legacy virus, only to find out they did him first because they considered him expendable basically and naturally was upset over that, drunk a bunch of the liquor kitty smuggled in, for logan naturally, and passed out and then joined in on the rescue mission that formed the team because why not and stayed because it was a great offer.  Speaking of offers with a new purpose, Kitty accepted her old enemy Emma Frost’s offer to be red queen, which includes a seat on krakoa’s council and was basically emma’s way of saying fuck you to her old cohort who she was forced to bring back on to handle the seedier side of Krakoa’s dealings via his underworld connections, sebastian shaw. Emma is the fincical  backbone of krakoa, having the shipping connections to get the flowers in and out and now having kitty to handle the stuff she can’t and do some of the shipping, as well as again tell Sebastian, who naturally wants both gone and is pissy at Emma being so far ahead of him, wants gone. And while he’s seemingly succeded with kitty I not only have every expectation that while ressuection is failing to work on her she’ll be back, but that trying to murder one of the most beloved x-men whose consdiered family to among others three of krakoa’s captains, bishop after this series, four of their council, five if you include Doug whose best friends with both his left arm which is also a deadly space robot and the very place they live on. The only reason he’s not going to die 80 times in increasingily horrifying ways is because the five can’t take on that kind of workload and one murderous ass beating from half of krakoa and krakoa itself is close enough. 

Emma is easily one of the books best parts, being written back as she should: An anti hero who while quick with a cutting quip, truly cares for her charges, and mutantkind as a whole and has grown from the monster she started as or even the kind of person who’d use a therapy session from a desperate man having issues opening up emotionally after apocalypse used his body as a rental car to convince him to fuck her.  And yes that’s how things started with Scott and Emma and yes it’s really fucked up and yes the story treats it as such, though I still wish Scott would get actual therapy, but as Linkara recently pointed out in his House of M Review the Marvel and DC universes weirdly lack therapists for the most part and thus it was left on my mind the last two weeks.. and yes I know DC tried but when your final product at trying to serious tackle mental health is heroes in crisis.. I award you no points and god have mercy on your soul.  But while Emma and Kitty get the lions share of the focus the rest of the group is enjoyable, well done and intresting, if not given many arcs to themselves, but still have enough character moments to counterballance that. The standout of the rest of the crew is easily Pyro, taken from “why is he still dead despite being super popular and used in a heavy role in X2 that’s garnered fans of that version to this day and bafflement he became a foot note in the next movie and used in every adaptation” to fun side character with a skull on his face and a love of booze and setting things on fire. He’s finally given the respect he deserves sorta and while I hope more is delved into his ressurection angst, he’s a ton of fun and it again makes me wonder why it took 20+ years to bring him back, but i’m glad the right person did it. The rest of the crew are fun with Bishop being another standout.  That being said part of the reason there isn’t a lot of focus is simply because in additoin to our brave crew the book is juggling a LOT of characters.. the morlocks and calisto, both given a proper treatment after wya too long, jumbo carnation a minor character from morrisons run who was introduced in the same issue he died is emma’s designer, shinobi shaw and christian frost, the latter I question why a main relative of one of marvel’s a-list mutants who was one of marvel’s earlier gay characters hasn’t been used in a big way till now but no time like the present, Sebastian and the people he shares his big bad spot with Homines Verde aka those tweens who ran the hellfire club during jason aaron’s run because the man is nuts and who I only seemd to liked, brillinatly revamped as a racist replacemnt for the hellfire club and so far a clever threat. The book is just stuffed iwth good characters, beautiful art, and a great tone that combines spectacular humor with really good story and worldbuilding. It’s also a nice contrast to hickman’s stuff: don’t get me wrong I love hickman’s writing style but it’s nice to have something JUST as good.. but with a cheerier tone and less weariness to it, while still not lacking weight. I can’t wait to see where this goes.. it’s a pirates life for me. 

Excalibur:  Like most of the dawn of X-Line outside of fallen angels, more on that in a minute and even then that had an intresting new directoin for betsy braddock, I was pumped for this one. A team I loved: While I struggled to find a run I loved with Claremont’s run having Brian Braddock be a raging dick whose terrible to his girlfriend and gets away with cheating on her and Claremont not really bothering to explain Saturnyne or other characters and their history with Brian well to us yanks who never had the chance to read those tales.. though why stories by alan moore and chris claremont haven’t been republished properly or in epic collections is beyond me. Warren Ellis, who I now loathe for being a scheming weasel who treated women like garbage, had a decent run with plenty of warlock, in a weird phase where he thought he was doug, Moira and Wolfsbane stuff I loved.. but also had 30-40 something pete wisdom shacking up with 18 year old at most kitty pryde, with Pete at the time being basically Warren Ellis badass self insert character, and given recent revelations i’m pretty sure he damn well knew kitty was just 18 and even if he didn’t having his own fanfic character deflower her is just all kinds of EWWWWWW. He also had Colossus, fresh of being a villian for a while for understandable reasons, nearly beat pete into a coma in a jealous rage over the ex.. the ex he dated while she was still a minor, and left because HE , and editorial, was uncomfortable with it for damn obvious reasons. I can see why fans like to see her as bisexual and pair her with Illiayna.. I mean why the fuck not? They have better chemistry than most of he hetrosexual intrests and are paried because of that and not because the writer wanted to make out iwth kitty as a teenager and forgot “oh yeah she’s fictional and i’m 40!”  Christ thank god for Gerry Duggan.  But yeah moving on from that I was still pumped as a magical x-men book with Besty Braddock now captain freaking britan, and apocalypse on the roster. And rictor and jubille? nad rouge and gambit I guess.. I don’t knokw if they fit but whatever. Sign me up. The actual result is a mixed back. I do like Tini Howard’s work here to a point: Betsy gets good character stuff and theres actually good tension from the fact that the new captain britan is no longer primarily a british ctizen, and the book brought back a character I felt marvel needed to do more with: Jamie. if you don’t know, Jamie is betsy and brian’s, her brother and the former captain britian, older brother who went insane due to his powers and thus just goes around in his underwear convinced reality isn’t real and he can do what he wants and the tension with Jamie refusing to have anything to do with his brother for no good reason is really good. Rictor and Apocalypse are likewise good sensable additons: Rictor turns out to be a natural to being a druid which is a nice twist and makes sense given when he lost his powers the biggest issue with that was loosing touch with earth after having a connection to it be a vital part of him for years. Apocalypse as an ominus chess master slowly securing magic for mutantkind with some goal we’re about to get answers to is really investing and adds a layer to his character, that much like doctor doom he’s as much sorecer as he is scinetest and given the guy’s immortal, it dosen’t feel like it was pulled out of nowhere.  The problem is the other half of the cast.. dosen’t really work. I fucking love Jubilee, a faviroite of mine as an xman despite not being a huge 90′s x-men cartoon fan, just feels kinda shoe horned in. Her son becomes a dragon and she worries about him constantly, but her worrying about her son possibly not being a mutant on mutant land could be done in any other x-book, and fraknly I feel her personality would fit better with the maruaders, and it’d be intresting to see kitty and her on the same team since both really haven’t interacted. Here she just feels like “well tini wanted jubilee and no one else did soooo I made her son a dragon to justify getting her”. I feel more could be done and hope Tini has better plans for her. Rouge is one of my faviorte x-men and All New X Factor and Kelly Thompsons work with him and Rouge made me like Gambit again, and I DO love their marriage and it was a way better idea than the one Guggenhiem had planned.. but while the idea of Rouge being reborn is intresting and all, she still dosen’t really get to do much and like Jubilee just feels weirldy out of place while Remy has that plus he’s annoying, as while he’s the only one rightfully supscious of apocalypse he also won’t shut the fuck up about it for five minutes. Ig et where he’s coming from  but it dosen’t make him less annoying. These aren’t bad characters, but sof ar they just feel weirdly out of place in a magic based book and unlike Rictor tini hasn’t made any of htem but Rouge feel in place. 

That being said I could ignore that more.. but the villians are also week. So far at least, as the return of Satyurne has given the book it’s first good antagonist.. but what I feel drags the book down the most from it’s potential is the bad guys; Morgan Le Fay is the first antaognist, being mad at apocalypse’s intrusions and corrputing Brian.. but her motives are just so boring: She wants power and to rule, she hates mutants... while “hates mutants” is a qualifier for every other antagonist so far, she just feels bland.. Tini just dosen’t make her feel like a good antagonist and it’s a shame as mutant hater or not she’s something DIFFRENT from the throngs of mutant hating conspiracies, mostly from russia in the other books... she’s just so bland it dosen’t work. And after her is Cullen Bloodstone who as far as I can tell is written out of character.. haven’t read his book but I had both a friend confirm it and having read his marvel wiki entry, it just seems like an odd turn to have him be a racist asshole. But even with all my problems and underwhelm here.. I still WANT the book to get from okay to amazing, and feel it genuinely has the potetial. I’ve seen books sharply improve after a rough first arc, Duggan himself showed me that with his Guardians run. Sometimes it just takes time for something to truly blossom and I have a feeling even with my issues, with x of swords coming up howard’s going to flip it all on it’s head and leave me standing there gasping like a moron. I have hope for that. And if nothing else the book is at least UNIQUE. And not in a trainwreck way: by giving mutants a piece of the magic pie and having them tackle far weirder threats, it’s at least doing something new and it probably lands for other people if not me, and if nothing else it does brian 80 times better than the claremont run did. not a high bar but I do like the character and it’s nice to see him take such an intresting path, and the same goes for Betsy. Tini’s still got magic to do, and I have a feeling it’s going to take me by storm very soon. 

Fallen Angels: Now for the other half of the coin as it were. Some fans weren’t happy about Betsy getting her old body back, and yes Psylocke wasn’t orignally asian but a white british woman bodyswapped iwth a japanese assasian and yes that’s as ludicrious and unteitonally offensive as it sounds, because horrible implications of said Body Swap or not, Psylocke was one of the few asian superheros of note. So to compromise , Hickman and co decided to split the diffrence: Betsy would come back and get a rank up to captain britan, while Kwannon, said assasian, would take over as Psylocke. Hence Excalibur above and fallen angels here and I was excited about it. The Body Swap thing went on a decade too long and this way fans got the character they knew as Psylocke in another book while the face they recognized would finally get some fleshing out. I was excited about that and while probably the least excited about this book of the intitial 5, it did have an intresting lead, two characters I did like (Kid Cable I grant was only under hickman who turned him from that brat version of cable who killed the one I really love to a good character in his own right), and an intresting antagonist in a sentient machine.  In practice it was okay. The best I can say is that writer Brian Hill DOES do a great job taking a mostly minor x-character and really fleshing her out and making her engaging and Kwannon’s quest to save her daughter is really compelling.. but the premise of those who don’t fit with krakoa dosen’t work with the roster given. Laura Kinney is not only sticking with the x-23 name after dropping the wolverine mantle for no reason previously, something Hickman fixed as soon as he realized how fans felt for her apperance in the main book, while Cable feels nothing like the far more fun version from Hickman’s X-Men and later Duggan’s Cable. Add in Husk and Bling who do deserve to be on a team but feel out of place here, and it just.. is okay. The book has an intresting angagonist and a great lead, but just dosen’t work as a team book and would’ve been better off being JUST about kwannon herself, who is far and away the best part about the book and i’m glad she got fleshed out. Not TERRIBLE but nothing special and it’s a shame given the antagonist, whose name I can’t even remember at this point, is intresting and ties into mutantkind’s greatest enmies being man and machine accoridng to house and powers.. basically a decent concep twith a flawed execution. Maybe hill’ sbatman and hte outisders run is better. I need to get on that. That being said the premise and idea is so far being done well in Hellions which we’ll get to, even if I’m being cautious really getting into the book with Zeb Wells track record. But more on that in a bit. 

X-Force: Time to make noise, bad guys leave us no choice.. you know the rest. But yeah X-force. The concept here grabbed me, having X-Force rather than just be the black ops squad but be literal black ops for krakoa, was really great and fit the brave new world.. what worried me was the writer, Benjamin Percy. Now a lot of x-fans probably knew him from the much beloved “Wolverine: The Long Night” podcast, which i’ve heard is utterly fantastic as is it’s followup.. but I hadn’t heard it, and had only heard of Percy from DC comics where under his belt was an okay teen titans run and a not very good and politcally unsubtle green arrow book. And i’m not against politics in comics it just wasn’t done at all well there and the “oliver queen looses hif ourture due to a shadowy conspiracy thing” was already done better by jeff lemire. So yeah I was going to give this a chance but figured like those books it’d start strong and then peter out.  I. Was. Wronnnnggg. X-Force is easily one of the best of the dawn of x and uses said premise well. It started a bit roughly, mostly becasue the first arc idnd’t make clear x-force didn’t exist yet but was a great origin story: a squad of military commandos working for a shadowy consirtum who become x-force’s big bad, plunge onto Krakoa and massacre a bunch of mutantas and assinate charles xavier. He comes back, though it’s trickier for obvious reasons, but it’s clear from this, and from wolverine and kid omega’s sucessful investigation and finding domino, that this can’t go on and thus X-Forces is formed; The intellegence and black ops arm of Krakoa and the one arm of it’s goverment exempt from the ‘dont’ kill humans rule”. What followed was nearly a years worth of fast paced adventures with good character stuff: Wolverine is in his element, kid omega, while I had my doubts due to quinten being way overused , turned out to be a perfect choice basically being a more compitent teenage sterling archer, cocky and loving this but also really good at his job, while Domino gets a great arc dealing with her trauma over her mutalation and having some of her power stolen by the shadowy masked dickheads while Colossus deals with his trauma over what went down when he rescued some Russian mutants, with the book slowly building up new threats and towards a showdown with Russia, something that’s also been built up by conflicts in Wolverine and Mauraders, which again makes the world of x feel more like an actual world instead a bunch of comics in one cast herd.  Jean Grey is good for intellegence, though by now seems to have noped out as she couldn’t take the toll, it’s not for everyone and most notably after 5 or 6 years of being treated worse and worse and written worse and worse and becoming a bigger and bigger piece of shit Beast is FINALLY put in the right spot: his darker turns aren’t ignored but he’s back to being an actually intellegent hero as X-force’s director, still a bit greasy but now for good reason and without a god complex or some such bullshit and with a tiny bit of his humor back. Not much else to say really, X-Force is well paced, enjoyable and gritty, getting the spirit of the team at it’s best down right while doing something fresh with it. 

New Mutants (Ed Brisson) Last one, New Mutants is the odd duck of the dawn of x line in terms of how it was launched. Fallen Angels ended up being a mini series both due  to Hill being busy and it’s cast being needed elsewhere but will presmibly get a follow up later, but it’s not the ONLY mini series in the line with Fantastic four/x-men, the giant sized one shots and now Empyre: X-Men all debuting in wave 2. New Mutants however is the first book to change writers and said writer STARTED in the middle of hickman’s run, partly due to scheduling delays but even before that it was partly by design and those issues haven’t been collected yet, with hickman’s short run being collected first. So you have a run that builds off what Hickman started but with it’s own ideas that started insidei t and suprisingly it .. really works.  While I do think there are better books in the line Brisson’s new mutants is enjoyable, combining humor and character work. New Mutants focuses on the sextant, which was first brought up in hickman’s run, the series of habitats for younger mutants on krakoa that the new mutants look out for, and while the original new mutants are in space, Armor decides to try and bring some old friends in to join in paradise with the help of Glob Herman, that big pink guy with a visable skeleton and eyes, and Maxine and Manon, who in the tradition of layla miller were created for an event and not great htere but turned out amazing under the right writer.. who I think also wrote that event but whatever, a pair of empaths and telepaths who have trouble grasping the right ethics for using their powers.  The four go to get one of my faviorite x-men back: BEAK! I missed him even if he’s weirdly suddenly repowered. Beak and his wife Angel only haven’t joiend in with their kids because his dad’s sick, and things soon escalate when a bunch of criminals try holding them all hostage and it’s up to boom boom, bored since everyone left her alone, to save the day! After that we deal with Magik rangling them and the team’s new mission statment: not wanting ot mess up again like she did with beak, who did join them but not without loosing his dad and then his memory of his dad thanks to the twins misguided efforts, Armor still wants to try welcoming new mutants in with the vetrans help, and thus we have our puprose: focusing both on how these younger mutant 20 somethigns of various ages from early to late work together to make a better world nad help their own get back to this world. it’s intresting.. I’m not in love with it like mauraders or x-force, but it’s still pretty good and their first big foe so far, DoX, a blog that well.. doxes mutants that haven’t arrived yet, seems to be intresting. Not much to say just pretty good and and better at mixing comedy and character stuff, and getting the cast right. Ed Brisson had already proven himself on old man logan, but this cements him as one of the hottest new x-writers around and i’m glad he was given a book here. He’s also succeded in making me actually like Glob Herman so that’s a plus. 

Fantastic Four/X-Men The first title of wave 2 and easily one of the best, right up there with mauraders nad probably JUSST behind it and ONLY because i’ts a mini series, giving the X-Men their first real step into the rest of hte marvel universe. Sure the 4 had cameoed in the first issue and there’s been mentions of krakoa in other books and one off issues but mostly Krakoa really hadn’t impacted anything.. but that first issue also set things up with Scott’s conversation with Sue Richards

Yeah and in case those who haven’t been aware of what’s going on with the FF lately and either remember franklin as a 6-11 year old or wondered why the hell he was suddenly a teen when they read this crossover, it’s actually simple; At the end of secret wars the Richards family was put on a bus, also so marvel could shove the ff as a proper team out the door due to the whole fox rights thing, and when Dan Slott had brought them back.. and cleverly had more time pass for the richards than for the 616 proper, so he could age Franklin up to his late teens and Valeria up to her early ones, allowing the richards children to actually age since Franklin’s age always had to stay vauge due to marvel’s vage and wobbly time scale. This way they get both consitant ages and more agency.  But the return also came with a price as Franklin, who if you didn’t know is so powerful he can create whole universe and shape the sturcture of the universe, had his powers break saving his family, and thus since he came back, he’s onlyg got so much of them left in the tank before they run out entirely, and it’s been an issue for him in Slott’s run as he worries about being the normal human in a fantastic family and comes to a head here, though rather than Hickman himself, who as mentioned last time has a marvelous track record with the family or FF series writer dan slott Hickman choose a wild card for this, though had both Hickman and Slott’s permission to do whatever he wanted: Chip Zdarsky, a modern marvel for marvel who’d writtne the four in marvel two in one but for some reason didn’t get the main book and this book makes me hope whenever Dan Slott bows out he gets his turn and while this is his first x-men work, Zdarsky proves he’s just as good here as is in most of his work on Howard the Duck, Jughead and Star Lord.. a weird selection I know but all classics. 

With this power outage, Franklin is worried his dad is, at least subconciously, not really trying to help him and to make matters worse teh x-men show up to offer their help.. and Franklin his birthright. The arguments made by both sides are great and I will be covering the series in full soon but in a nutshell the four dont’ want to give up their son/nephew, Reed dosen’t trust Xavier and feels he wants to use his son’s powers while the x-men feel it’s franlin’s choice and he’s old enough to make it, he belongs with them and he’ll be safer there. It also works because Franklin understandably isn’t swayed by either as neither is reallyt alking to him more at him, especially his parents .. and only tries the gate when Kitty Pryde, the two  bonded back in the 80s and a young franklin stopped her from comitting suicide long story but really moving, is the only one to tell him it’s his choice. This dosen’t go quite well though since Reed Richards, father of the year, decided to make a device to mask his son’s mutant gene and no one, including his own family, is happy about htis.  Naturally Franklin, with Val’s help, runs away.. and then as if it couldn’t get worse DOOM shows up wanting to help so now it’s a three way dance between them for hte fate of franklin. The series has gorgeous art form the dodsons a really damn compelling story and great setup for further stories for both lines and feels like the best of both franchises. It’s the x-men’s first huge impact on the rest of the marvel universe,a nd it feels like it with the ending showing that and showing this might not be the last time both sides crossover. It’s everything you could want from a crossover and i’m only being so brief because I want to review it soon as a huge fan of both groups. Easily one of the best x-men stories of the line and one of the best stories for both groups period. 

Wolverine:  We’re onto the final two, and Percy’s second book and the first solo.. and it’s logan again! Makes sense though: Wolverine only just came back from the dead, and while both is daughter and alternate future self carried the woverline banner for him, the original hasn’t gotten his own ongoing in some time. And so far.. it’s pretty good> the first issues a bit messy due to it’s lenght, but overall the book is intresting and has Logan graple with being the best at waht he does and if he can be better or if he deserves paradise while also delivering a compelling solo mission teaming Wolverine up with a federal agent who resents mutants. it also does some good world building, explaning why Krakoan drugs have things like wait lists (they want to control production closely both to avoid having the flower taken away and for quality control), and expanding the russia subplot while using Dracula of all people as a major antagonist, which is clever especailly since this isn’t his first rodeo with the x-men. Just a fun book wiht loads of promise.

Hellions: NOt much to say here as it’s hard to judge after two issues, buti f nothing else this series brought back the delightfully batshit Nanny, who just with last weeks issue offered to nurse Greycrow (who had his name changed from scalphunter because of course marvel did why wouldn’t they) and falling down. It combines humor with an odd but well thought out cast and makes Alex Summers intresting without making everyone else assholes, a hard but earned feet. If it continues to be good.. I dunno, especially since i haven’t been impressed by any of zeb wells other works especially his new mutants run, good god that one’s am ess, but so far he’s winning me over with a clever concept and roster full of deep cuts.  Final Thoughts:  I won’t be covering Empyre: X_men, though I did enjoy it and i’l save that one for next time. For now this has been a hell of a year of x-men comics, with even the weaker books still having something intresting and none being outright terribule and only one had a bad grasp on some of it’s cast and for a line this big and expansive, that’s a gold medal achivment. After YEARS of stasis the x-men have finally risen again better, bolder and stranger than ever. IS every book A+ gold star etc etc, no, but what’s important.. is that it’s all DECENT. There’s enough standout books to make it work but as i’ve made clear what isn’t the best of the best is still good or decent. There’s nothing bad, no one phoning it in or not giving an effort, everyone is trying thier hardest and succeding on SOME level even if not completely and that.. that’s truly amazing and I look forward to more of it as this line continues. Pax Krakoa and hopefully i’ll see you again. 

[feelthepainofdodick]

Love For Hire - Ch. 3 - (D.D. x Reader)

Summary: David hires you to be his fake girlfriend for a month to get the diza stans off his back. This experience is the craziest thing that has ever happened to you and the emotional consequences that ensue are something you never expected.

Notes: I know Carly and Bruce just broke up but I just basically finished editing as they announced so if yall don’t wanna read and just wallow I understand but the next chapter of Love For Hire is here for yall when yall are ready. Also! Thank you to the people sending in requests! its so exciting. Thank you all truly. Im going to start writing them asap. Should be up by tonight or tomorrow. One last thing, this series truly is a slow burn. I have a million ideas for this series so there will be a lot of chapters. Hope yall love a good slow burn because that is exactly what this is. Much love, Julie

Word Count: 1775

CHAPTER ONE - CHAPTER TWO

“DDDDAAAVVVIDDDDDDDD!” You hear someone yell from inside the house as Natalie opens the glass door to their home. You follow behind them as they walk in taking off their shoes, you do the same. 

This tall, multi-hair colored man hugged David and looked in my direction. He let go of David and said with a grin, “Well, David who did you bring home?” Looking at me from top to bottom. He walked over to me and gave me a big bear hug. “Hi. I’m Zane.” You struggled to breathe as the hug was very tight. David hit him on the side making him let go of you. “Don’t suffocate her dumbass.” He says to Zane, making him let go. “This is (Y/N).” 

“And how come I’ve never met (Y/N), David.” He glared at David while putting his arm around your shoulder walking over to the living room where other people you didn’t know were sitting.

“Because I just met her about thirty minutes ago.” He said as we all sat on the couch. You are now sitting in between Zane and this boy with blonde hair and many tattoos. 

“Ummm? What? Who are you (Y/N)?” Zane says with his full attention now on me.

“Well… I’m (Y/N) and I’ve been hired to be David’s fake girlfriend for a month.” You say casually. Multiple gasps come from people you have yet to meet but Zane just starts laughing. So hard that it makes the others start laughing.

When he finally stops, he looks over at David. “Couldn’t get a girl to date you so you had to hire one, huh?” He says beginning to laugh again.

David looks around, cheeks flushed, “you know I’m not looking to date anyone Zane. You all know how hard its been to be Liza’s ex boyfriend. I have a lot of press coming up within the next month so I’m giving everyone a distraction. (Y/N) is everyone’s distraction.” He says gesturing towards you like a shiny toy. The rest of the group nods in understanding.

The rest of the night is filled with music, jokes, meeting everyone, and many cameras. You were able to introduce yourself properly to the rest of the people there. You met Matt, Heath, Scott, and Joe. They were all extremely nice and took to you as a little sister type. They all felt so comfortable and homey. You then met the girls there; Carly, Erin, and Corinna. You instantly clicked with them. They were a perfect mix of funny, girly, down to earth, but also had a slight edge to them that made them not feel like superficial girls. It was a little surreal hanging out with the vlog squad after doing so much research on them in the plane but you just clicked with them just like you hoped you would.

Slowly one by one people started leaving David’s house to go home. First Corinna, to go stream. Heath next to go back to his girlfriend Mariah. Carly and Erin next to go to their respective apartments and boyfriends. Then Scott and Joe to also go back to their homes and girlfriends. Then lastly, Zane and Matt to go back to the house they shared. When everyone was gone, Natalie showed you to your room, when you did some light unpacking, you went out to the living room to find David on his computer and Natalie lying on the couch scrolling through her phone. You casually sit on the love sac across from them. “So are you guys ready to talk details?” You say trying not to be too forward but wanting to know details because this was, in fact, your job.

Natalie looks over to David and nods. Natalie sits up. “So, the main objective we were hoping to accomplish with hiring you is to distract people from David’s ex relationship for press. Do you know about David and his youtube?” She questions.

You nod. “I did my research during the flight, I have a general idea of who you all are.”

“Okay great! I’m sure you’ll learn smaller things to make the fake relationship more believable as you continue hanging out with us. So we need you to be a subtle affectionate kind of girlfriend. We do have cameras on nearly all the time. So just hang out with David as if you two are best friends and throw in some touches, some kisses on the cheek, overall general closeness. You’ll attend any events he has to do, but we all attend them so it’s not just you alone. You will have to act the part of a lot of the time. How does that sound? Am I scaring you?” She asks concerned.

“No! No no. I’m fine. Just a lot of information at once. I just want to make sure its not weird. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable David.” You said now looking over to David who was still looking at his laptop. “Because I’m completely willing to act the part but obviously we are not actually dating and I don’t want things to be weird.” David is now looking at you. He sighs, pushes his laptop over to the side, and sits closer to Natalie to face you. 

“I don’t think it’ll be weird. I think the only thing I’m hesitant about is that I just don’t know you. I want to know you so I can act normal around you, so I can act like a fake boyfriend. The fans know when I’m doing anything off. They can smell lies through the screen. But if we are actually friends then I think we can fool them, especially since they don’t know you so they haven’t learned to tell when you’re lying.” He smiles softly.

You smile back. “Well I’m an open book! Either of you can ask me anything that will make you feel more comfortable with me.”

David and Natalie look at each other then back at me. “Why are you an escort?” David asks nervously.

You smile solemnly at them. “I’m broke, is the short answer. I went to college for marketing but couldn’t get any job after it. I would apply to every PR firm in Boston and the state but nothing ever happened. I didn’t have the connections I should of made in college. My dad died during my junior year so I was super withdrawn during the prime time for internships and networking. When I finally graduated, I was jobless and homeless. I couch surfed for a while and that’s when I started escorting. I was objectively pretty and I needed money. It was definitely dark at first because I was so desperate for money that I did every job I was offered. When I finally got enough money, I got a tiny studio in Boston, was able to get a shitty deli job, and survive off only doing not sketchy escort gigs every once in a while. This escort job gives me the time to apply and try and catch up on the things I missed out on to further my career. So here I am, pretending to be your fake girlfriend for a job but also the whole social media thing intrigued me. Thought it could help me learn from experience about PR and stuff. Just thought I’d be up front about that.” You finally finish, sighing a long sigh, and looking over their faces. You could tell they were sympathetic but there was no pity in their eyes. You were grateful. “Oh god, enough about my sob story. The real question is, are there actually ghosts that love only Natalie in this house? Because I think that may be a deal breaker.” You say sarcastically.

They both laugh. Natalie nudges you lightly. “You really did do your research.”

The rest of the night is spent getting to know each other. You learn all about them. How they grew up together. David’s start in the social media space. Natalie moving to LA to be his assistant. The empire he has built for himself. In turn they ask you all about yourself. Living in Boston, your family, college, high school, ex boyfriends, your best friend, and your opinions on the most random stuff. That’s definitely something you and David connected on, going on random tangents about the wonders of the universe. You didn’t think anyone else thought like that but here he was. 

It was nearing 3AM and you all needed sleep. They told you they had some plans to film at a friend's house the next day. You left the living room, into your room, excited for the next day. You felt connected to Natalie, David, and even the other vlog squad members in a way you couldn’t explain. It felt like you connected a puzzle piece correctly to the puzzle that is your life. It has been a long time since you felt that way. You drifted off to sleep with a smile on your face.

You woke up to no alarm, just the sound of chatter in the living room. You woke up and got ready for the day. As you walked into the living room you see Natalie talking on the phone, you wave, and make your way over to the kitchen. As you look through the fridge Natalie walks up behind you and says, “Hey, don’t worry about breakfast. I just postmated a bunch off breakfast stuff from IHOP.” You smile, going over to sit at the kitchen island, “sounds great, thank you Nat.”

When the postmates comes in and it set up on the kitchen island is when David decides to come out of his bedroom to eat everything. It’s nice and comfortable eating with them. Some light witty banter, lots of shoving food into mouths by David, and just pure ease as you all eat. The second we finish eating, David wipes his mouth with his sleeve, and says, “Okay! You ready to go” Looking at both Natalie and you. Slightly startled you just nod and within seconds you are in his Tesla riding somewhere. His camera settled in the car so all three of you are shown. You came to the conclusion last night that if a camera was on and near you that you had to play the part. This was your first go, and you were ready to embrace this job for what it was, so you looked at David and smiled sweetly with a look of love for the camera to see. This was the official first day of being David Dobrik’s real fake girlfriend.

-

Tags: If you want to be tagged let me know... @duh-dobrik @live-awkward @roxyedobrik @duhdobrik 

[god-hunter]

Adjusting to Singledom

It’s about time for an update on my Single Situation, if that’s what we’re calling it.  I’ve been meaning to clarify some things since unofficially starting these rants back in 2018 anyway.  It might be short, it might be long.  So let’s run through it and see.  I’m gonna be talking about 6 girls that I’m talking to, so pay attention and keep up.  This rant is going to be interesting.

First of all, the Work Crush that I had brought up originally back in 2018 is NOT Dancing Girl.  Nono, Work Crush, or Original Crush was a 28 year old Barbie lookin’ Office Hottie that had so much bubbly energy about her, I didn’t know what to do with it.  I never resolved that story, btw.  After we became Friends on Facebook, she was that type of person that didn’t really message much.  Eventually group hang outs happened and she met my Then-Girlfriend.  And the two got along so well that we just became Couple Friends.

Post break up, she had reached out to me.  I’m going to refer to her as Twin, because that is what she used to refer to me as at work, affectionately.  First of all, Twin & her boyfriend were supposed to come over for dinner, but it didn’t work out.  It’s just as well, because my Ex and I got into a fight while fixing up the apartment before they had cancelled.  Then we broke up.   So with this bizarre scenario, Twin had still wanted to see me.  I’ll be 3rd Wheeling it and checking out their new apartment instead [which is not so new at this point.]. That plan has never surfaced as of yet, due to general busyness, but now Covid-19 is affecting our plans. Since time is moving on, by the time this outbreak calms down I’ll probably be settled into my own place.  And she is very much looking forward to visiting me with her guy one day, but I’m not holding my breath.

I mention Twin, because she’s a former crush that won’t go away.  I’m not trying to do anything, obviously. She has a great boyfriend who likes me a lot.  But she’s definitely a significant girl in my life, and I would be very happy to hang with her (and him) more in the future.

Speaking of couples, I’m going to refer to my Beautiful Friendship as the Significant Couple.  They are certainly a collective and I still like talking to them a lot.  I won’t deny that I’ve been hoping to be intimate again since that one awesome night, but the differing schedules make that very difficult.  Still, one thing worth noting is that I’ve spoken to both parties about the idea of... not hanging up the phone when They want to get intimate, and neither are opposed to it.  So for the moment, I’ll just leave it at that =).  I respect these 2 immensely for being so open to their experiences.

But now it’s time to add some new names to this mix.  This was the purpose of this entry.  Let’s talk about Bakery Girl.  This too, is a former co-worker and friend of Twin.  I call her Bakery Girl because she literally left our job to work in a new office for better pay, but hated it so much that she ended up quitting and working at her favorite Bakery that she’s now a Manager of.  So, that seemed to work out for her, for now. Well, this is a person that was always pleasant at work.  She was always nice, and nice on the eyes lol.  We always got along, but didn't really interact or ever flirt.  Still... Facebook can be a real beautiful thing.

Before she had left our job, she had mentioned that she wanted to get drinks with me.  (Not just me, but a bunch of us from work.). Of course I said yeah as this was just a friend thing.  ...It never happened.  Instead Dancing Girl came out and.. that crush began, I guess.

But anyway...  Since the Breakup I opened up to a bunch of people.  And I suppose it was week 3 or so, that I had told her about it on FB.  I’m not quite sure when we first spoke about my new situation, but I do remember being in my old bedroom and not feeling miserable, because she was so fun to talk to.  I wasn’t moping about my last chapter, but merely informing her as we caught up.  And then as we talked, the energy felt borderline flirty, or sort of like this friendly vetting process.  What I mean by that is we’ll tell each other stuff, and see how the other feels about the topics.  Most we agree on.  Some we definitely differ on.  But respect is there. Anyway, more-to-the-point.  After a couple of failed attempts at talking on Facebook, I tried one more time last night and got another good conversation with her.  And this time, I was able to bring it over to the phone.  I got her number!  So who knows if it’ll go anywhere, but for now I’ll take that victory. This girl’s definitely a good person, and even if it’s a long-term developing thing she is someone definitely worth keeping in touch with.  It really helps that she’s 28 and not 21.  Or as she refers to Dancing Girl... she’s not 12, lol.  [Yes, she knows Dancing Girl too from work, but she has no idea that I was into her.  I plan to keep it that way.]

Speaking of Dancing Girl, her and Dante are fucking annoying, yo.  We barely talk at breaks now, because I’m not trying.  Instead Dante’s either being an idiot or just cooing at her, and the two of them are just obnoxious with each other in my space.  But I’m learning to put it in its place.  Literally everything is changing.  Breaks now seem to get split up between us all chilling and talking, then the two of them splitting off to smoke weed, while my other dude in his 40′s goes and smokes a cig by himself.  Today I took it upon myself to make it my new normal to join him when he smokes that cig.  Since no one else really talks to each other any more...  We just literally hang around each other while everyone’s on their phones.  It sickens me.  But I guess that’s what happens when Millenials see each other every day...  [And no, I don’t smoke, but I’ve always gone outside for the fresh air and good company.  Now that company ain’t so good any more, but they’re still my friends.]

There’s another former co-worker I hit up, but nothing to really report yet.  I don’t have a codename for her yet, but I asked if she’d like to catch up over dinner and she said, yes.  But after the Coronavirus passes, if that’s okay.  I told her it was, and instead we caught up on Facebook for an hour or so.  For now I’ll call her the Social Distancer... =P

And lastly, I’m going to bring up Gamer Girl.  This one’s a slippery slope, but it’s very important to talk about now, because I do not know what is going to happen next.  She is my Ex’s friend, but ever since we dated, she was always into both of us.  Like, she literally would’ve swung with us if my Ex was into that.  I’ll never forget, she was like, “Wow. You two are hot.”   She’s been referred to as a Unicorn, because she loves getting into sexual situations, but she has no romantic attachment to any of it.  And this is why I’m bringing her up. Again, it was about 3 weeks after the break up.  The Ex and I had gotten into a fight post-break up, which propelled me to really want to leave.  And at the worst time, she messaged me starting with, “I hope this doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable...”  And then she proceeded to talk about how she was lonely and not good at making friends and needs an area friend to hang out with.  She brought up a past divorce and that she doesn’t want anything romantic, but she wants to play video games and have pizza with me.  She opened it up as a night where I could vent to her and just have fun.

Against my better judgement, I said yeah.  Plans weren’t made until this week.  Literally tomorrow night, I’ll be seeing what this actually is.  Now, on paper, it might simply be pizza and video games.  But we’ve talked a little since then.  In the first place, she was flirty and brought up her whole schedule for the week.  Then she said, “On this day I’m off and have no plans other than to have no pants on.”  Something like that.  Now, why would she say something like that to me, if not to get a rise out of me...? Then I gagued it a little further when we made the plan.  She brought up that Free Pizza is best pizza and I told her, “No way. I’ll happily pay my share,”  then she explained to me that she has so many points that it’ll be a completely free pizza.  So instead I offered to supply the drinks and asked what she likes. “Rum and Coke is my poison of choice,”  o.o. “Rum and Coke it is!!”

So we’re drinkin’ now...

I’m trying not to get my hopes up.  I’m trying not to make it weird. But knowing that this girl didn’t want to make me uncomfortable, but she's been lonely since her divorce and wants to hang out, but doesn’t want anything romantic...  and knowing that she’s the type of person to screw without attachment...  and then she’s telling me that she wants to drink, now...

I mean, how can I not get a little excited!?  Also, we’re playing Fallout Vegas, so that’ll probably be very fun. Right now my plan is to expect nothing, but be prepared for it to get weird.  The Ex will inevitably be brought up, along with any venting that goes along with it.

I don’t expect to win her over that way, and I’m not exactly trying to do that anyway.  But who knows how she gets?  Maybe she’s just casual as fuck and she’ll want to cuddle??  For comfort??  I have no idea.

But as a Single Dude, I am fucking Game.  This is my new Revolution, man.  I don’t care.  Between the randomness of this hang out, Bakery Girl practically interviewing me about the Ex - asking if I’m over her and then giving me her number, and the Social Distancer being interested in dinner, I’m feeling Really Confident right now.  Not to mention that the Significant Couple is chill as fuck and I always like talking to them.

Things are interesting now...  Things are definitely different.  My New Normal isn’t here yet.  But I’m adjusting all the same.

[notokj]

my coming out story (i guess)

Warning - This is probably going to be long and boring, but it’s my truth. And I guess I should start off with a disclaimer.

I am not a lesbian. I am bisexual.

My name is KJ, I’m currently 18 years old and I live a relatively happy lifestyle. From a very young age, I’d been attracted to boys. Specifically (but not exclusively) Robert Downey Jr., Nick Jonas, Chris Evans, Chris Hemsworth, Brenden Urie, and various others. I always thought girls were pretty, but I never let myself think anything further. In the early 2000s, sure, being ‘out’ was slowly becoming normal, but I was a kid and nobody my age was talking about it... so why should I? I had a mom and dad, and so did my friends, I didn’t even consider two moms or two dads or anything in between. I was completely in the dark. But for hours, I would obsess over Miley Cyrus (or Hannah Montana) not just as a TV celebrity, but as somebody I found attractive. I never felt scared to admit this out loud, simply because I believed that I was just being stupid or irrational. I let myself continue to fit in the way I did.

One of the earliest memories I remember about me trying to shut down my feelings was about in the third grade. There was an exchange student from the middle east who was just learning English, and for whatever reason they chose me to help her understand that seasons. You know, fall, winter, spring, summer, it was fine. We were having fun like most little kids do, even with the language barrier. She was having issues understanding what the different words meant, and I was having issues explaining it to her because I couldn’t communicate in a way that she would understand. Giving up on the seasons, she took notice to my disney princess lunchbox. I told her my favorite princess was Ariel, and I’m not sure if I misspoke or she misunderstood but she stated that she “wanted to kiss a princess”. Now, I cannot confirm if that was her true feeling at the time or if she was unable to translate correctly what she said, but I was shocked to hear her say it. I didn’t comment on it, I didn’t make her uncomfortable, I simply moved on and pointed out all of the princesses on my bag. After school that day, I was hanging out with a family friend that was a couple years older than me. Being confused and trusting this friend, I told them what the exchange student said. My friend proceeded to tell me that I was lying, that a girl would never say that, and I laughed it off and agreed with her and told her the girl was probably just crazy. I quickly regretted my words, but kept all my opinions to myself. I didn’t want to seem weird or out of it.

Fast forward to the seventh grade, I had just transferred to a new middle school and was enjoying my time meeting new friends. At this time, it was super cool to girls if a guy was gay, but lesbians were unheard of. In my friend group, there was this one girl, let’s call her Brooke. Brooke was broken up with her asshole ex-boyfriend when we met, and shortly after she admitted to me that she had feelings for another girl. Of course, knowing somebody who had positive thoughts about girls liking girls, I fully supported her. I even helped her to portray her feelings. During this time, I hadn’t outed myself, but I was able to confirm that I did like girls... all because Brooke did it first. Somebody I trusted was brave enough, even though nearly half of her family was homophobic, she was able to say out loud that she liked somebody of the same sex. I respected her for that. We became best friends through that experience. It was special to me, and in eight grade I admitted to my entire group of friends that I liked girls and boys, They all supported me but I hadn’t yet been out to my family.

Two weeks before high school, Brooke had a birthday party. I went, of course, and at a point in the night, a kissing game was played... and, well, I lost my first kiss to Brooke. Do I regret it? No. Was it kinda cringy and gross? Yes, as most fourteen year old kisses were. I immediately knew everything I was feeling was real, and all I wanted to do was give Brooke a chance. I had known for a while that Brooke had feelings for me, and I was starting to have feelings for her. During her party, she claimed that on the first day of high school, she would get down on one knee and ask me out in front of everyone. That was said as a joke, but slick little KJ took advantage of it. Right before I left the party, I whispered into her ear “Why wait until school starts, when I’m saying yes right now?”, THEN I RAN OUT! I ran out like a little pussy but it’s okay! She texted me later that night and asked if I was kidding. I said no. Feelings from both sides were admitted and we confirmed that we were now girlfriend and girlfriend.

Three months later, me and Brooke are still together. Since we started High School as a couple, it was really easy to transition into the culture of our school. We didn’t have to come out to our classmates, because everyone had already assumed we were out. It was okay! Sure, there were “Fag”s and “Dyke”s thrown around, constant mocking and teasing, but we were strong. We didn’t let it get to us and we stuck together. I was at the point where I realized I was falling in love with this girl. I decided to tell my mom. At this point in time, my parents had recently divorced and weren’t living together anymore. I primarily lived with my mom, and I wanted to open up to her about this part of my life. So, I did. She was upset that I hid it from her for three months, but she was happy for me and also confessed that she too was/is bisexual! I’ve never felt so much comfort and security in my life.

But wait, this isn’t a cute happy coming out story that will end up on facebook.

The next hurdle was telling my dad. He’s always been a bit old school and traditional, and both my mom and I KNEW he would not be happy about it. He’d never really liked my friend group, specifically Brooke, and I just knew that being bisexual was not going to be a good thing. Also, knowing my dad, because I was dating a girl, I’d have to come out to him as a lesbian. He was the kind of old school that didn’t believe you could like both. Whatever, I just wanted to tell him. For some reason, this really stressed me out because I wanted nothing more than to be supported by my dad. I had gotten to such a low point, and mixed with high anxiety and depression, I made the mistake of cutting myself (take note it was the first and last time. I’m proudly four years clean). I’d worn a heavy red sweater the day after to hide it, and stupid me wrote my girlfriend a note about what I did because I wanted to be honest. The note got dropped somewhere, and I was reported to the office. The counselor checked my arm, and I swore it was just marks from falling into a bush. I caved, though, called my mom and told her what I did. My mom picked me up from school, and took my home. She stood out on the porch and told my dad what I did and how I did it. He was so angry, he left right away... After that, everyone acted like nothing happened. Nobody asked about me, my feelings, or Brooke. It was uncomfortably normal.

Shortly after, it was my fifteenth birthday. Being a latina, this was a big deal. I had a quinceanera! It was beautiful, Phantom of the Opera themed. I had fifteen roses, and I handed each one to an important person in my life and also gave them a speech. One of those roses went to my girlfriend, of course. But I was very courteous of my dad, and kept the speech platonic. As the night went on, my dad lingered and I had just wanted to apologize to Brooke for not spending much time with her. so I pulled her into the bathroom and we talked. She was okay so we both exited but my dad caught us as I was leaving. He screamed at me in front of everyone and made me cry, all for being with Brooke alone. He got so angry, he left and went drinking. I was miserable.

We talked after that. I told him I liked girls and boys. He told me he felt as if I was pressuring myself into some new societal norm, and that he specifically did not like Brooke. I was hurt, but I knew it would heal with time. And you know what? It did.

Three years later, Brooke left me for reasons not worth putting into a story like this. I was crushed. She was my first love, but I knew it was not meant to be. My dad and I were able to talk without her weight on my shoulders, and he had changed his mindset after years of watching me grow. He’ll never be the dad that’s going to gawk at girls with me, he wasn’t raised that way and I respect that. But he’ll never be the dad that puts me down if I do end up with a woman. I’m proud to say my dad is fully supportive of me, as long as I’m happy and safe. So many people are quick to judge him on the first half of this story, but family to recognize how far he’s come in loving me for me. I trust him with anything now. And having listened to why he didn’t like Brooke, made me realize that his previous anger was not completely directed at my newfound sexuality. He didn’t like how I was treated, not the gender of who I was with. He changed, for my happiness. And he is one of my biggest supporters now.

After Brooke, I had two other partners, both boys. I was the talk of my school. People would say that Brooke was just a phase, and that I faked being gay, and that I was just some phony. Both of those relationships didn’t last, and it was just six months ago that I decided I wouldn’t date until college because I was so put off by all the rude comments. Nobody wanted to believe that I was bisexual. They all wanted to believe that I was straight, or just a weird lesbian. It hurt, all the biphobia. 

A month ago, let’s just simplify things and say I started dating my current boyfriend, who I’mma just call 2K here (cause thats his life smh). I am in love with 2K, and I was worried that being bisexual would be a bad thing for him but,... he does not care. He’s loyal, trustworthy, and completely supportive of the fact that while yes- we are in a straight relationship, I am still bisexual. It doesn’t bother him, and I’m lucky enough to have some wonderful friends who are also very supportive! I’m at such a good place in my life right now. 2K is on great terms with my family, I trust him more than anyone, and it’s so comforting to know that the person I love isn’t telling me that Brooke was just a phase. Christ, I was with the girl for three years. That would be a long as phase!

To this day, I still experience extreme biphobia. But you know what? I’m okay. My boyfriend, family, friends, all support me and know who I am. I am not a lesbian. I am not straight. I’m proudly bisexual! And I’m starting college in a few short months. That’s not relevant, but I’m excited. I went through highs and lows to get to this solid point, and I wouldn’t change a damn thing.

So to all of my bi friends... You are HERE. Be proud and be loud. You are not confused, and nobody has the right to make you choose who or what to love!

[aplaceforthesoul]

Anonymous submitted:

Hi 21/f (for tash pls)

I’ve messaged a few times and you guys have always been super helpful and I really appreciate all the help you have given me over the years.

Back in November of 2016 my gf and I broke up, we broke up because she had commitment issues and I was truly devastated. I cried for days and I’ve only just recently been able to get somewhat over her (I fully believe I was/am in love with her). When we broke up she had mentioned that we could always try to date again at some point in the future (as i write this i feel like i talked to you guys about this before so i apologize if you recall any of this and this is just a repeat, but i also have new stuff) and at some point last year i asked her out right if she ever saw us getting back together bc i didnt wanna hold out hope that we’d ever get back together if there wasnt a chance. She told me no she didnt see that happening and again i was truly devastated. Also when we broke up we said we’d still be friends bc we were really really close when we started dating, well thats not really the case? shes honestly been super distant and i know she has a life and it doesnt revolve around me but she tends to not answer me and give me one worded answers. I’ve tried talking to her about it before and voiced my concerns with her and she always just tells me shes super busy and she forgets to answer and i know that really does happen but sometimes it feels like its just all the time. I may just be overreacting to that part but its frustrating that i never seem to get any other answer out of her. Like there will be times that i feel super excited for something and shell just respond with something like “oh cool!” and then i feel dumb for trying to be so excited about it and then we dont talk for hours. the only other issue i have is she started dating someone just a few months after we broke up and didnt tell me which i can undertstand bc she knew how upset i was at our break up but just a month or so ago they broke up and now shes dating someone new again and she still didnt tell me and i dont understand why. i will admit im a little jealous at how shes dating someone new but im also really upset at the fact she didnt tell me about it again. I just miss her a lot and i wanna be her friend and be in her life but it seems like she doesnt want me in hers.

another issue im having is i really feel just alone, like i dont have anyone. i mean theres a couple people at work that i talk to a lot while im at work but we tend to not talk outside of work and ive tried innitiating conversations with them and they fall flat and they dont seem interested. i just feel like i dont have anyone who truly cares about me and ontop of both of these issues i feel like a complete failure. im not going to school and my mom has kinda been on my butt about it lately and ive been passed up 4 times for a promotion and everyone around me is trying to figure out why and even i cant figure out why. and my general manger wont tell me why he wont promote me and i just feel like a giant failure and that im not good enough for anything.

this was a fairly long submission and im sorry. thank u for taking the time to respond tho

it sounds a little like your ex girlfriend said to continue staying friend because she didn’t want to hurt you ): unfortunately though most break-ups aren’t mutual, and staying friends with an ex partner doesn’t work. 

all your feelings right now? they’re 100% valid!! like I’d feel shitty and upset if someone I thought wanted me in their life made me feel weird for getting excited over something, I’d feel upset if someone I thought wanted to be friends with me just wasn’t making any effort to show they cared. 

this isn’t going to be easy to read? but I feel like your ex said she wanted to be friends after the breakup because she didn’t want to hurt you (and not because she genuinely wanted to be friends), she’s now changed her mind and doesn’t know how to say that now. actions speak louder than words! ): and none of her actions show love or care or a desire to have you in her life. 

this isn’t a criticism at all, just an observation? but you talked about being lonely and feeling isolated and like a failure, it might be making you a little more sensitive to your ex girlfriend’s actions than you normally would be. like -- you feel lonely, you miss your ex, she acts in a way that makes you feel even more isolated and alone, it intensifies your desire to hang onto the ex and the negative cycle continues. 

my best advice? ditch the ex, let her go. I don’t think she’s deliberately trying to hurt you or be mean? but right now it’s not a healthy friendship to have. make it a goal to spread out your friendship groups a bit, make the most of opportunities to meet new people where you can. maybe use tinder to go on a few fun dates haha, download the hey!vina app if you want, maybe check out meetup.com and see if you can find a group of like-minded people? there’s an app that I use in london called fever that lets you know all about events and activities happening in your local area?! it works in a few other major international cities too -- if you don’t live in those cities then it might not be super helpful haha, but maybe your city has something similar? there’s also an app called ‘Wingit’ which operates in london, cities around europe and the US, it’s an app like fever but could be more useful if fever doesn’t work in your city? worth asking around! anything to get you mixing with new people while doing something fun at the same time (:

you’re not a complete failure, at all. promise <3 if you’ve directly asked your general manger about not being promoted and he won’t explain why? then maybe it’s time to look for a new job (: there’s not much point in staying in a workplace where you don’t feel valued or respected as a member of staff.

things aren’t going to magically improve overnight? but ditch the ex, work on branching out and meeting new people and making some new friends, make time for self care and looking after you. try to get straight direct answers from your manager about not being promoted, see what he says, ask what you can work on to improve, look at finding a new job if you just don’t feel valued or appreciated at work. good luck xxxx

- tash

[tiredsmolhufflepuff]

Low key hosts/demons shipper here, so no judgement. :) I'm curious about what makes you ship Ava/Pedri. :) How would that relationship start? Is he still a ghost? What are they like together? What does Wrathia think/do? How freaked out is Odin by the whole thing? :D

Okay well it started as it would be cute seeing this like 6'5 or something demon boi turning into a puddle of goo for his tiny girlfriend

Like idk man, this would be in a scenario where Wraths and Ped don’t rlly love each other any more but they have a child so they stuck together to keep it safe? Like he was genuinely upset when Wraths took the potion but that wasn’t the reason he did, he took it so TiTAN wouldn’t get the pleasure of killing Ped.

This is thinking Ped managed to get five minutes to convince Odin to make a pact with him so like Odin gets his families safety and Ped gets a like fake body he can kind of synch his energy and soul into to make it his. Though once Odin figured out he wanted this body so Ped could properly woo Ava he’d immediately start freaking out and screeching in Big Brother worry TM.

Also another way it got started is when I got stuck thinking Ava, Ava is the only person he can interact with that would be agreeable to talking with him. She thinks Ped and Wraths are still a couple but don’t know they were staying together for their kid?

I was thinking Pedri does not have anyone to interact with, no one. Odin smokes to make Ped leave and he won’t admit it bc he strong af but its lonely and he wants company, wants to talk with someone who shares his shitty humour. Then What Would You Know!!!!

Here comes this 5'0 ball of rage and need for a family that has been belittled all their life, this smol ball of rage that can see!!! Him!! TALKS TO HIM!!!!!! He is SO happy!!! He is exCITE!!!!!

Pedri is giddy (tho it don’t show) that Ava talks to him because Odin is terrified of him, of what it means were TiTAN found out he was Pedri’s host, Odin does not talk to him because it means his family death and okay Peds can respect that but it does not mean he likes it. So Ava comes along filled with awe at the sight the glasses give her and sees him and thinks “holy shit this dudes big and kind of maybe in a weird way pretty what do”

She doesn’t know how to react but she can see him and Odin isn’t around, she thinks she knows why the pact hunter(?) smokes now. Ava can she him, is terrified of what he might do to her, but all she can think is how lonely it must be to go fifteen years with only one person able to see you and have him ignore you. All Ava can think is he is like me, alone and angry and bitter with want for a new life free of TiTAN’s control (because against TiTAN Odin may be he would do anything to get rid of Peds and ensure his families safety).

Ava sees this tall beast, being, man(?) and all she can do is Talk because it is lonely, its horrible being the one everyone ignores or hates or is scared of. She knows this intimately, knows how it hurts but you never let it show because that would be letting them win and that is worse than the pain. Ava babbles on about whatever she can think of and eventually she has to take the glasses off because she isn’t just crying stardust now its flooding from her eyes, Ava’s been talking for hours and seeing this morbidly beautiful creature lighten up with each passing minute and she does not want to leave him alone again.

Ava knows how it feels to be alone where everyone hates you or wants you dead, she doesn’t want it for this graceful entity of shadows and death and fear (even though he is just that; made of death and shadows and fear). But he kneels before her, and Avas in awe that anything would kneel before her, Pedri pushes her glasses up with a whispered “later, firefly” having heard Odin’s nickname and thinking it suits her so well.

Pedri is sad she has to go but her friends are looking for her and her eyes must be on fire then he sees the way her face goes red and yellow, like molten lava similar to Wrathia and yet different somehow and he cant help but to laugh happily and loudly as Ava sputters lava and ash. He laughs as this tiny being made up of rage and bitter want and so much kindness and love is embarrassed by him, him! Pedri, a demon, he is absolutely gleeful that this beautiful fiery ball of rage and love is flustered by him and it heals something he hadn’t known was cracked.

Then sometime after, when Ava’s half completed her pact she has his child his heir (something in him wants it to be theirs instead of his and Wrathia’s) and shes so gentle and loving. Sweet as anything and so beautiful even though shes only just turned 17 when she found his kid he cannot help but think Ava is incandescent with her worry and love for a child that by all rights she should hate.

Pedri is in awe (though he shall never admit it) that Ava would be so caring for this child but then he thinks of Crow and Raven and how she hadn’t hated them for treating Odin the way they do and laughs at why he would have believed anything less.

Then maybe sometimes before that sometime after Strategos Six and the chamber mess, they end up in a crowd and he can see her panicking (he is furious that his host left her alone; Odin knew she has anxiety that she is terrified of being left behind and alone) it upsets him, infuriates him. He has never been more thankful of the busyness of a market place when someone bumps into her and the glasses fall down, immediately he has his dragonflies leading her away from the place.

Pedri has to get her away from all the people and he knows this will set her confidence back but when they are secluded in an alley with no one but them and his dragonflies and the fireflies she does not seem to notice follow her. Pedri relaxes and once again he kneels in front of her (he does not realise how easy it is to do so for a long long time) he starts humming softly, a song he had heard a day ago a month a century ago and sighs in relief when she calms down.

But then Ava hugs him babbling thank yous and you didnt have to its such a stupid thing to panic over and Pedri is shocked with the realisation that maybe just maybe he is a little bit of in love with his exs host. At the same time though he can feel something loosen inside him at the acknowledgement but Pedri knows this is not the time to tell her, not when he doesn’t have a body and certainly not when Ava is recovering from an anxiety attack. He refuses to let her mix up gratitude with love, he can wait he has waited this long to even get a glimpse of a chance at love after his rule.

Maybe later, a week a month a year when Pedri has finally got his body (Odin has done his half of the pact) he can not help but shower her with attention because she had always kept the glasses on till her eyes drowned in galaxies and nebula to keep him company and he is determined to make Ava know how much it meant. Sometime when they stop at a planet to rest on the search for his child he sees her relax and melt in the sunlight in a field full of wildflowers and is struck with the how much he wants to see this sight in the moonlight with the fireflies and the moon flowers. It aches inside his chest.

Pedri will make her a crown of roses red and orange and yellow because he loves her and he wants her love in return; because Ava has been his friend she their first meeting and he wants her to know it. Pedri fashions a second crown for himself of bluebells and jonquil and snapdragons because she makes him humble and he so dearly wants his affections returned but also snapdragons because she is so deceptively weak looking but is a kind of awe filling terrifying enemy to have when she gets furious.

The others will probably freak out and be disgusted but Ava has faced that all her life because of the demon in her head everyone told her was fake and Ava refuses to let this second chance (the on her pact gave her) for love and happiness to leave her. Ava will dig her claws into the ground and snarl at anyone that wants her to abandon Pedri because he loves her and kneels down next to her like it was as easy as breathing for the demon king. Pedri loves her and has waited for the off chance she would love back and he has sat through every one of her anxiety it panic attacks even when she could not see him.

Ava absolutely will not leave him alone, not after she asked Tuls what those flowers meant, not when he never gets scared at her anger and laughs at her morbid quips or jokes. Ava refuses to let Pedri go because of them, tells them this and refuses to tell why when they ask because that was between them and she knows Odin will never speak of the glimpses he got of their budding relationship back when it was just him and her that could see Pedri.

Ava is fully willing to leave them behind and help Pedri raise his child while slowly destroying TiTAN’s forces but Pedri is willing to break it off if it means her happiness and that, that shocks the rest of the group to the core except for Tuls because Tuls remembers what his king was like when Pedri and Wrathia were still in love.

Tuls is glad that his king found love again and he is glad Wrathia will eventually be able to pass on peacefully once TiTAN’s forces are destroyed.

[thesmallcast]

Peanut Butter Jelly

I have not been in a relationship or anywhere near one in 2 years. My ex was emotionally toxic; I learnt so much from the relationship, made amazing friendships and learnt a lot about myself in the process.

The new guy that is on the cards is PBJ. The wedding encounter started it all and it has been so refreshing to meet someone I connect with instantly. We have so much to talk about and we're talking every day after the wedding, have been on over 9 dates, I have opened up about my Herpes with him. I am so comfortable already. The best qualities I see in PBJ is his willingness to try new things not only in food but in adventures, he is so accepting of others and has an open mind, he is funny, he loves horror movies ( my absolute favourite), he has a really good self-awareness and reflects on himself, he’s been so transparent and honest since meeting him which is so refreshing it makes me feel I always know where I sit and where his head is. We have been seeing each other for over 2 month’s and things have been great, he’s not my usual type of guy I would go for which is a good change.

Last week, we had an amazing date at the arcade, had dinner, watched horror and he slept the night. In the morning, we were looking at a trip away in April sometime to the Blue mountains, PBJ is working weekdays and weekends at the moment, so we flicked over his calendar into May. A week of time was blocked out that said “ Wedding”. His and ex were planned to get married. I asked him if he was okay if he wanted to talk about. He said, there is something I need to tell you. Instantly, my mind thinks “Here we go”. PBJ’s ex reached out to say she no longer wanted a polygamous relationship, she wanted him to break up with me and for them to try things again. I had predicted this would come from her when she learnt he had moved on and was happy. PBJ was angry and furious at her when they had something great together and she had every opportunity to come to this realisation. His openness to the situation is incredible at how willing he is to share. However, there was no clear answer of whether he said yes or no.

Later that evening, I thought on it again and realised that anger would have been his initial emotion to process though he must be feeling mixed emotions. I reached out: “Hey, I know it must be hard with the ex situation and a very hard situation to process, I am here to give you space and time. At the same time, I’m scared of the unknown and where I sit in this”. He couldn’t give me a clear answer on where I was sitting in it or what he wanted to do. I had a lot of emotions going through my mind. I went over to his and we just hung out together but didn’t touch on the subject. The next day,  I really had time to process my thoughts, I realised it wasn’t fair as I was falling for Paul and if I kept seeing him I would be setting myself up to get hurt. I told him this, “I have reflected on last night, and you have a decision to make, I will give you the time and space to make it, though I can't see you while you don’t know what you want, to protect myself and you”. He reacted a bit short, to begin with, though he completely understood, he respected the time I was giving him and that he appreciated my support and patience.

Its been incredibly hard giving space to someone you are still getting to know but enjoying so much. I didn’t want to rush anything with us to be titled “boyfriend/girlfriend”. I just can't date someone who doesn’t know if he should be with his ex. I have had so many mixed emotions on it, I didn’t want to do it during a busy work period for him. I think he was on the same page as me, even though we haven’t had conversations about the exclusivity of dating that we were finally getting to the stage of just seeing one another. Its been 4 days with a few messages in between letting me know he missed me already. He has told me a decision has been made and let's catch up early next week to talk about it. What a challenge, it's been playing on my mind since I found out I need to know! We have a call any minute for a live blog update if that's a thing?!

……..

The decision has been made to not continue with his ex, he had a list of things to go through with her and he couldn’t get the past the first thing off his list. He is no longer a vegan. She still doesn’t know he is dating me specifically. He seemed very certain of his decision and did tell me it wasn’t making a decision between me or her, it was deciding whether to be with her or not. He didn’t want to compare us at all though has been enjoying what we have together. He can’t trust that she won’t cheat or go back to her old ways. I guess there were a few things they needed to close out. PBJ did close out to say that he does plan to continue to be friends with her, which didn’t sit well with me.

………

We ended up hanging out the night after the decision, he had invited me to go to the movies, he had a full on weekend working and not even time to relax. I was just so excited after the space to see him again, we had a good time and saw a movie. I could tell something was up with him, he was cold and seemed withdrawn. The more I gave affection and my attention, the more I felt a little rejected and not enough (My self-worth shouldn’t and won’t be dictated by how someone is interacting). I should have taken a step back and thought he must be super exhausted, he’s just closed a door with his ex, I just couldn’t help how I was feeling. He’s clearly still processing and needs time to heal. I am now questioning whether this is a time for us to be together at all. He did mention that he wasn’t quite himself and loads of things were playing on his mind. Later the next day, he kept saying he only shifted a bit though I thought he shifted a lot more than that.

We spoke a couple of days later, I was initially grumpy and unable to communicate how I was feeling, I could tell I was already putting a wall up in front of him and pulling away. I was shifting my perspective and thoughts.  I ended up telling him how I felt on Monday and shared my views, he listened and apologised. I understood it wouldn’t be overnight for him but how could he heal and process if he kept talking to the one person he’s trying to heal from? His ex. PBJ bought up us being exclusive so I thought this was the right moment to tell him about the tattooed punk I had seen. His reaction; he was disappointed. I thought it was unfair when I had been a balancing act with his ex in the picture since day one. I don’t think exclusivity was the right decision to make. It was impulse and everything is now rushing when it needs to be slow. He still has so many thoughts swirling in his head - I couldn’t even imagine how it would feel. I think if she hadn’t asked for him back then it would have been easier for him to process.

On Saturday, we had the best time we went out with a group of friends and just had so much fun. I could feel there was hesitation on my part - I felt embarrassed by how I had been on Thursday and it scared me. We were being just the ideal couple, however, I later learnt; that the moment I stepped away from the table and my friend spoke to him of us, he spoke of his ex. That was so disappointing to hear. It truly made me feel like the distraction and rebound even though he said that wasn’t what I was. During the week we had dinner with my friends and he was 20 minutes late. I told him he seemed nervous to start with (which I thought was super sweet). He actually proceeded to complain about how he was so drained from rushing and sitting in traffic and how he wasn’t completely present at dinner. It wasn’t him being nervous. He always knew dinner was on Wednesday; We could have pushed out dinner,  he could have started work a bit earlier that day.  I also don’t like being late when I'm meeting people, I was feeling anxious. I guess I just keep having these expectations of how things should be and they don’t turn out that way.

Everything was shifting and it was changing, we were so good and were connecting and having so much fun, as soon as his ex came back into the picture the dynamic changed. He told me I had shifted ‘dramatically’,   though I was only adjusting to him and how present he was being. It had been two weeks since everything came out and it was the weekend again, all my feelings and thoughts exploded in my mind into a billion pieces of untraceable data. I gave him a hard time about teasing me but it wasn’t so much that it affected me, it was that I felt guilty when he made jokes that he actually meant but in a joking way ( they were pulling down an already sensitive and fragile wall). I had even pre-warned him about the jokes as I was feeling sensitive. I was picking on him though, e.g giving him a hard time about his Nike's which are about a century old and look like spice girls shoes. He said he could use them for exercise and I told him you shouldn’t run in platforms. Still, find it hilarious.

The weekend resurfaced a lot of feelings for me, My past demons were shadowing my sight and triggering feelings/emotions. The whole purpose of icicles was to write about that particular behaviour. I become reactive, defensive and stubborn. I was feeling unheard. I get this way with my mum the most. I recognised that I was in a weird mindset and I was letting everything bother me, and I couldn’t work it out. I think it was me pulling away. PBJ had baggage, everyone has baggage it’s just he doesn’t know what mine is yet. PBJ said I was a good influence on him not drinking: Excuse me, you can make your own choices. I don’t dictate if you drink or not. PBJ:  “Do you mind if I have a drink, I know this is your first time being with someone since giving up alcohol”. The response should have been, “Wow, how sweet that you have been so considerate to think of me”. Instead, I am negative, “You don’t need to ask me every time”. The check in with alcohol was really sweet and I was a super bitch about it.

We went shopping at the mall for some basics, jackets and shoes for PBJ, I had pulled out colours and told him which ones I liked and my preferred options. All my suggestions were the opposite of what he went for. It was the smallest thing but I didn’t feel heard and it’s not up to PBJ to constantly validate that! Those are my issues, I love that he wanted me to be part of that experience. Also, I was trying on clothes and didn’t need any opinion as I know what I like to wear and what I want so was doing my own thing without his opinion at all. I made little remarks “ Why even ask me?” . I think that we just have dived so fast into it and have had all these complicated matters to deal with and we don’t even know each other to know what to say or how to act. I want my feelings to be valid too but I don’t think he has the emotional capacity to take that on or deal with my past issues crossing paths with his present. He’s been working so much that he hasn’t had enough PBJ time to really be able to understand how he is feeling and process those thoughts. I want to talk about my day and work and for him to be interested and involved. I know I was being unfair over the weekend and that's what affected me the most, is I don’t know how to pull myself out of that black hole when I'm in the moment. I was beating myself up mainly because it was raining and I didn’t have an umbrella to shield me from my own emotional storm.

Although many good qualities with PBJ, as soon as I sensed the shift I actually saw a whole range of qualities that I was unsure about; the jokes he makes which aren’t really jokes, having to be right and adamant about the smallest of things e.g I thought it was raining. He said there have to be clouds for it to rain, I look up there is a fuck load of clouds. How can you try to be right about something that's physically in front of you?! He told me that I was trying to make it into a competition, which is meant to justify it?. I don’t like to be constantly teased, a fine balance of teasing and being appreciated. The whole situation had changed and I’m unsure if it could go back to being how it was. I can’t expect him to recover overnight from it all however he continued to talk to his ex still and consistently brings her up around me which was a red flag from day 1, she’s staying in Australia now when previously she was leaving the country. My ex used to talk to his ex a lot and I always felt like I was competing for affection. I deserve more than that. Also, the last time we saw each other, I left his house crying as he had told me he didn’t want to go down on me because of my Herpes and it's not protected. The way he went about telling me that, it just sent a flood of emotions over me. I know his intention wasn’t to hurt me and he did apologise. When I called him later that day, to make sure he was okay. He brought up this girl, GB he was going to see. The same girl, he has got nervous about bumping into, had dated, had slept with. On top of everything going on, how he thought it was a good time to drop this in. He said at least I’m being honest rather than going behind your back to see her. So it's not an option, he’s just telling me what he’s going to do. Same with the Herpes, it wasn’t a conversation to be educated or how we could make it work. It was a straight ‘No’, this is the decision.  This left a sour taste in my mouth which led to the break and a decision to be made.

We are officially over. We were together from Feb to the end of April, I don’t even know if I would call it a relationship, technically he was my boyfriend for two weeks. It's hard to take it personally though I made the right decision for myself and I definitely learnt so much in the short term about what I want and be more aware of those feeling surfacing. PBJ and I will still be friends, our contact will be reduced and hangouts will probably be confined to when the friend group hangs out. It's hard to say goodbye as well because it only had just started. I was excited about adventures and fun - a connection to flourish. It just wasn’t meant to be - this time around.

[typologycentral]

[INFJ] ENFP trying to understand her special INFJ. Very special !

Dear you all, I'm an ENFP girl. Hellooo INFJ cuties ! I discovered it 2 years ago and since I passed the test, I love to read about my personality (and knowing that I'm not alone, haha). I've been through a lot of posts here but never got the courage to write about my crush story. As I've tried to analyse my situation from other problems, in vain. I decided that's officially time to get the job done and ask for help/opinions/jokes/tissues. I apologize for my english and for anyone who would fall asleep reading those words. It's a year to resume sooooo... Good luck ! I made a new group of friends a year ago when I moved in in a new country. One of them was a total weirdo for me and I enjoyed kidding him. I immediately noticed he was clever so I wanted to know more about him. As a group, we were going out and getting drunk and have fun, but I rarely could see him alone. He told me he enjoyed being alone and unlike me he doesn't feel the rush to be socialize. For an ENFP you can imagine how weird I though it was ! I was intrigued. We talked a lot on internet. Late conversation about nothing and everything, a lot about movies since he loves cinema. Our relationship was really cool. I made him take the test and it came as an INFJ. After a night out and a lot of alcohol, we made out but none of us really remember it. (I kind of woke up naked in bed and though that drunk me, took a shower). I was chocked because that's really not me. I don't make out with people/friend even when I'm drunk and I really didn't understand why him... I was trying to get over a breakup (6 years), starting a new life abroad and love interest wasn't on the menu. But we joked about it and agreed to never bring the subject back since it was meaningful and good friends. We continued our talks and our nights out and everything were fine. But I felt we're getting closer and couldn't stop wondering why him that night, and eventually be forced to admit to myself that I probably had a crush on him. He was invited to diner at my place with another friend who showed up 3 hours late. So it was the two of us and I really enjoyed it. He left to home and my friends and I went to party. I was so bored that I started to thing that it would have been so much better with him. I went home and confess to him "I think I like you" and he replied by a joke, saying like everybody likes him, he's so cool. I didn't really know if it was a "thanks, but no thanks" or if he didn't take my spontaneous declaration seriously. Whatever, I said it. Your turn dude. For his birthday night, he went out with other friends but I was out too. He was calling me to know where I was, I was calling him until we got to my place. I gave him a gift I made him and the rest is somewhere lost in my drink. We slept together. Next morning when we woke up he left in a hurry saying that it won't happen again. Ouch, no talks, no cuddles. What the hell ? He texted me to let me know he told our friends that he dropped me home last night and went back to his friends. The rest, he didn't want to talk about it. Ok... Then he became really distant. We went on holidays together and I think he tried to hook up with me (drunk) and friends told us that when I was dancing on a podium he went to take me out of it like I was his. Weird. In another hand, I remember asking him to kiss me, but he didn't want to. Fine. Nothing really relevant. Two month after, I ran into him at a party. After telling me about a girl he just saw at the bar, he decided that I ruined his chances because I was here around him. I said that I have nothing to do with it and that he could feel free to go after her. Nope. He decided he wanted to go home, my place and sleep in the sofa because it's more convenient for him that going to his friend's. He couldn't stop telling to him that "we're friends, I'm just going to sleep in the sofa, don't worry, we good friends" like he wanted to convince himself. No need to say he didn't sleep in the sofa and immediately jumped into my bed. Drunk naked stuff again. The weird part was when the next morning, sobre, he wanted a second round. It was weird and not the great one. Then he left saying that it won't happen again. Rude. Again. But every time I wanted to speak with him about us, he didn't want to. Then started the drunk calls to come to my place, to kiss me, to call me love, to touch me... to get in my bed and leave like an asshole, as usual. From my point of view I knew he was an awkward introvert and probably inexperienced so I didn't want to pressure him. I was waiting for our relationship to slowly evolve as a friend with benefit relationship. But when came the time for me to call him to see if he wanted to spend a night with me, I got a negative answer and no answer when I said "so you can call me up drunk but I can't do the same, sobre ?". OK... That's when I decided to stop that shit and go on with my life. Friendship it is and friendship it will be : I was determined to start 2017 without hooking up with someone who apparently just wanted to play with me. But ironically, We lost our friends on the new year's eve so we ended up, the two of us alone. I remember saying to him that I didn't want to continue that bullshit because he didn't really like me and didn't really respect me. That tomorrow it will pretend nothing ever happened and so on. He recused all my accusations and alcohol took the lead and well... You know. He pretended that night I was he girlfriend no strangers, he asked me if I wanted to move out to the capital when he'll find a job, lovely stuffs. Next morning completely ignoring me and spent the day bragging about girls, speaking about one with who he was supposed to go that night and horrible sexist, childish things. He even called the girl in front of us to know if he could go there that night. I was hallucinating. My heart broke but I couldn't say anything since no one really knew our little private parties. He'll tell me later that he found a bit strange that I was next to him when he woke up since he doesn't remember much of our night. A month later without any news from him I decided to send a letter (9 pages about all the crap happened between us). It was a desperate letter from a rejected girl, but an explanation of all the situations we got into, his behavior and my feelings. I told him like I did right now, how mix signals all this was for me and that it's not ok to act like that with a girl, even more with a friend. But maybe we never really been friends, I asked. He replied by tones of apologies. He apparently had no idea he was hurting me. He told me that I knew him already, and that a huge part of his actions are self protection. He said he never wanted to be a source of pain for anyone and hurting me never was his purpose even if he knows that it can be rude and stupid sometimes. He said that I deserve to be happy and that he can give that happiness to me because I'm awesome and he doesn't deserve an awesome girl like me. He said he doesn't have the emotional capacity to be intimate, but maybe one day... he said. He told me he never really dated, maybe one month or two maximum, he can't speak about an ex girlfriend or a first love, it never had this experience. He values a lot my friendship and my person and doesn't want us to stop talking. He thinks that the fact he likes being alone is to protect himself. Maybe to not get attached to someone or to not hurt feelings. But is not really sure about it. He said that I should interpret it the way I want but it won't extend further. If I wanted to stay on a terrible image of him, I could and after reading my text I had all the rights to do so. He never answer to any question about his feelings. Like "did you like me", "was it your heart speaking or the alcohol", "could it be any girl or was I special to you". He avoided all of that kind of questions. I replied nicely and encouraged him as a friend to open up to the world even if it won't be with me. I said I would need some time to heal. I didn't get all the answers I wanted but at least I had apologies and I can move on. Even if sometimes I wonder why. Why he didn't at least try ? Why he's so bipolar when sober/drunk, virtual/irl ? Why he said he didn't deserve a girl like me. I saw him for the first time last weekend for a night out. It was really in a good mood and teased me a lot. A lot of eyes contact, a lot of big smiles, he put his head on my shoulder when we were sitting, I felt he wanted to get closer. And I'm also feeling that I'm back to crushing. Do you think there is something up ? That he could be lying about his true feelings ? Do you think I'm crazy and need to accept that he doesn't like me ? Any tips, any help ? I told you it was long and boring... Sorry again ! http://www.typologycentral.com/forums/the-nf-idyllic-enfp-infp-enfj-infj-/89338-enfp-trying-understand-special-infj-special-new-post.html?utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=tumblr