#well and both me and the friend are genderqueer but that's neither here nor there

[dramatic-dolphin]

"women love shopping for shoes" one time i tagged along with my friend on her shoe shopping as "emotional support" because we figured if there's two people then the absolute misery of buying shoes will be shared between us equally

[yellowhollyhock]

Please tell us more about Donny and Angel I love these two as a couple they so cute! She’s so perfect for him and vise versa. I like to pretend when the series ended they became official they got married. Mikey is the flower girl because that’s hilarious to me and he’s genderqueer so he’s like yes I get to wear a dress. LH is best man because he’s Donny’s best friend. I am not sure what Raph and Leo are lol. I know there’s brides maid but not sure what you call the version for the groom so Raph and Leo are up there with LH.

Aaahdhhs thank you!! 💜💜🥹 I am always at any time so ready to talk about Donny and Angel.

I love your ideas about their wedding! I think since Splinter would be officiating, Raph can give Donny away (is giving grooms away a thing? if it isn't then, oh well it is now), and Leo can be the ring-bearer. Angel's friends Ashley and Jessica who I made up for the Meeting Gramma fic (it's in pinned post) are bridesmaids.

Okay so below the cut, here's some things I've been thinking about, and how I imagine his proposal!

I don't imagine them fighting often, but one thing that would definitely cause friction is his driving. In the show his bros always let him drive, but have you ever noticed how he's crazy? Usually I think it ends up that way because there's a big chase or it's just comedic, but I like the idea that he's actually quite reckless. Tbh, a lot of people I know irl who are really good at working on cars are really bad at driving safely. They know exactly how far they can push that machine and they like showing it, sometimes forgetting to factor in that there are other people on the road and such things as safety laws.

Anyway Angel lost her mom in a car crash where the other driver was at fault. She was six. Neither her nor Ryan have licenses, partially because driving is scary to them but also because they live in New York City.

I don't think Donny would take it well when Angel calls him out about his driving. This is something he taught himself how to do in order to take better care of his family. He didn't have access to the resources she did to learn (experienced drivers, opportunity to legally obtain a license), and she hasn't shown any interest in using them (he doesn't know about how her mom died at the time), so why should he take criticism from her? He gets defensive when she makes a comment, something she is not used to from him, and they both end up pushing and holding onto little things. Angel says she'd just rather not get in the car with him and if he wants to go places with her they can walk. This seems pretty inconsiderate to Don who cannot simply walk through the city, and he doubts she wants to learn how to slink around and jump across rooftops since she doesn't even want to learn to drive.

Once they've both had time to cool down, he apologizes--he hates that he made her feel unsafe, he'd be happy to walk places with her if that's more comfortable, and he'd like her to know he has asked Raph to backseat for him for a while (call him out if he takes corners too fast, breaks laws etc). With him being vulnerable and apologizing, it's much easier for her to realize and admit why it actually scared her so much, that it wasn't all to do with him, in fact she never feels safe in cars. As they've been getting closer she's been worrying a lot that she would lose him somehow. She apologizes for losing her temper and calling him out in front of everyone (everyone probably consists of April, Casey, and his bros). She tells him how much she appreciates that he's trying to do better and that of course she doesn't mind driving places with him, in fact she feels better knowing that if something does happen, she'd know about it right away.

Also kinda thinking maybe Donny teaches her how to drive, later when she asks. I think she'd still feel safer with him at the wheel, especially once he starts being more careful, but it could still be empowering for her to know.

Their proposal~~

He takes her to Central Park--they wouldn't go somewhere like that very often, but they risk it early one November morning for what he will only vaguely call a 'special occasion.'

Anyway it's not hard to stay disguised because he's freezing and wearing so many layers you can't even tell he's round. (We don't really see the turtles in winter clothes much in the show, but after all the chaos had stopped I think they'd be more comfortable doing little things for themselves such as keeping warm). They buy hot chocolates. She makes a snow angel, which he cannot stop laughing about. She keeps close by to keep him warm, which makes him nervous because the ring is in his pocket and she's going to find it before he's ready--he panics and starts a snowball fight. She's in her element. He's getting more flustered by the minute. He's still a ninja though, and holding his own--until in a moment of distraction she nails him right in the face. She's wheezing, crying, cackling and fussing all at once--and when she comes over to help him up he panics again and takes the opportunity to pull out the ring.

It's a puzzle ring. They've talked about it before, and she's never liked the idea of a fancy gem. She wears lots of jewelry, and an engagement ring of all things should be practical to wear daily, not like her studded nose rings or chain necklaces with all kids of loud charms.

He pulls it out and lets them dangle from each other; four rings, all attached to each other. "It takes some work to fit them together," he explains as he assembles it for her, "But it's impossible to take them apart." Allowing herself to get close to people has been a big deal for her since her dad left. He's still haunted by the possibility of just disappearing one day, apparently without a trace.

He's getting teary and having a hard time getting through the speech he planned so carefully. "I want that for us."

She slips the ring on and pulls him into a hug. "I want that, too." Then, as if she's only just thought of it, "Let's get married." Because she's always loved making him laugh 💜

[theonceoverthinker]

425. During tonight’s Fair Game HC, our favorite bird man and his group of QROWnies will enjoy a night out!

For our 400th HC, we followed Clover and his pals as they celebrated his bachelor party! This time, we’re gonna come full circle and celebrate Qrow’s bachelor party!

Since Tai is Qrow’s best man, it makes sense that he’s the organizer (Or rather, the organTAIzer as he jokes, much to everyone but Yang’s chagrin (”Can we go one day without the dad jokes?!” “Sorry, didn’t realize they...FATHER you do much!” “AHHHH!”).

There’s some overlap between the guests at Qrow’s bachelor party and Clover’s bachelor party. Obviously, Tai attends both, he invites Marrow for the same reason Marrow invited him (Best Man Buds) as well as Robyn and Elm since Tai knows Qrow is friends with them. Qrow, Harriet, and Vine aren’t all that close and neither Harriet nor Vine seem all that interested in going, so Tai doesn’t see much of a problem with not inviting them. There are two different guests at Qrow’s bachelor party though: Port and Oobleck! After all, they were shown to be close with Tai in V4 so it would make sense for them to be friends with Qrow as well. They liven up the party!

With Qrow, there are some limits on the places that are safe to have a bachelor party at while still doing something fun, so instead, Tai goes in a different direction, and instead plans a weekend long trip for himself, Qrow, and the other guests to Beacon!

Just as Tai expects, Qrow’s into the idea. He enjoys reminiscing, there’s a ton of good and nostalgic restaurants to visit, and Beacon’s located next to a cool town -- not to mention, it’s summer, so they more or less have the campus all to themselves! It’s affordable and gives them all a ton to do for an awesome bachelor party! Clover tells them to take lots of pictures as he sees them off with a final kiss to Qrow’s cheek! 

More under the cut!

Tai books a four-room suite at the one of the best hotels by Beacon. Even though they live in the area, never ones to be left out of the fun, Port and Oobleck join in and stay at the suite, too! 

They arrive in the late afternoon on Friday and spend the afternoon settling into their suite, letting everyone get chummy. Robyn’s a little...not freaked out by Oobleck’s overeagerness in...everything he does...but close (Qrow can only force himself to stop laughing upon receiving a glare from Robyn when she ends up accidentally getting him going on a history rant), Oobleck and Marrow form something of a eccentric uncle/excitable nephew dynamic, Port and Elm form an unlikely friendship, and of course, Tai and Qrow get in a lot of bonding.

While taking a hike around the Emerald Forest, the seven of them get thrust into a fight against a giant Goliath. Because they’re all seasoned Hunters, it’s kind of a fun time taking them on together, and at points, becomes more of a game than it does an impromptu mission.

They eat at a steakhouse that Qrow and Tai could never afford to go to when they were students and always promised they would eat at one day (”Well, we used to say everyday, but then everyday came and brought rent with it.”). They also go to Qrow’s favorite noodle place in the area -- a cheap, but mellow place with amazing broth and crisp veggies.

While messing around campus -- telling stories and jokes and finding out what’s different and the same since they were last here -- the gang walks into Glynda. Glynda immediately goes into teacher mode around everyone, even her coworkers. Since she’s able to get Oobleck to go quiet for a full twenty seconds, Robyn thinks she’s the coolest thing since sliced bread. Marrow, Port, and Tai and intimidated by her, though respect her. Qrow and Elm are annoyed that she’s nagging at them when they “haven’t even done anything wrong yet!”

One night during the weekend out, Tai and Qrow sneak out from the suite and walk around the empty Beacon campus. There’s already a lot of reminiscing they’ve all been doing -- after all, they’ve had stories to tell Elm, Marrow, and Robyn and reminiscing is half the fun of going back to Beacon -- but it’s now that it’s just them together, they get to share some STRQ-focused memories, memories none of their other guests were around for and ones they don’t want to share with them. Of course, Summer comes up, and they talk about her, but unlike the days where the two of them weren’t as close as they are now, they talk about her serenely and while smiling at her memory. They take comfort both knowing inside that she’d want it that way.

On the trip back, Qrow tells Tai he did a pretty good job making Qrow’s bachelor party. Tai ends up the group photographer, capturing a ton of moments on his scroll and organizing them into an album he forwards to both Qrow and Clover (”Even the embarrassing pictures,” Qrow later groans as his fiance and brother-in-law laugh). But even with some embarrassing pictures in the mix, Qrow couldn’t ask for a better shindig, nor a better man to make it all happen.

Tagging @skybird13 @whipped4qrow @mooksie01 @luck-of-the-caw @xwildangel @solitude-of-stars @vastnessofthespiral @o0nashipear0o @unfairgamey @doctorrwby @clover-and-co @megan-atthedisco @wash-my-brain @bisexualdisasterqrow @thursdayseraph @doubledexterity @rwby-things-i-guess @atlas-heartthrob @the-answer-was-bi-klance @compoterie @thuskindlyiboop @oceansquid @transdemion @deltastream21 @mimiori @xya-hunter @delta-altair @genderqueer-turtle @roman-torchtwink @subatomictealeaves @drbtinglecannon @saphiralunaris @pretentiouskneecaps @amxngsthxmans @ayomez13 @carbonated-table-spices @darkestsiren @chaosgameingkoi @collectingsparechangemadeeasy @michaels-daughter2005 @youmaywanttoduck @lovethewitchofendor @victorious1956 @kendalllwayland @madamoisellesica

Want to be tagged in future Fair Game HC’s (Or untagged, I understand) and be the first to catch all of the romance, fluff, drama, and puns (Sometimes all at the same time)? Send me a reply, PM, or ask, and it shall be done!

Would you also like to check out my old Fair Game HC’s? Who wouldn’t? Well, here’s a link to my Fair Game HC archives!!!!

[albatris]

Hi hello I hope you're doing well and getting read to sn00ze soon, STS! Saturday! Yes! Cause you're an artist and a writer, I was wondering how much the two mediums bleed into each other? Does drawing something out help you visualise it better, or do they not really interact much at all?

hello hi hey there and happy storyteller saturday :D thank you for the question!! I hope ur having a cool day B)

and even though you sent this yesterday you telling me to sn00ze is equally applicable today as it is almost every day of the week so................ yep, I’ll be sure to get onto that at some point. you’re probably going to make a >:c face at me for answering this at 3:06am

anyway! this is an interesting question! and a good one! unfortunately it may not have a very interesting answer?

my initial response was gonna be that they don’t really bleed into each other at all, but then........ nah, they kinda do

(and then about halfway through typing this draft I was like But What About Undertow, and my response became “oh yeah they definitely do”, but I’ll get to that in a bit)

but yeah! I think my writing definitely influences my art! both in the sense that I tend to draw mostly story stuff, ‘cause I like my stories and drawing is fun, but also in terms of like....... inspiration! usually I have a pretty good image of stuff in my head already while I’m writing, n sometimes this image will make me go “hell yeah I vibe with this I wanna draw it”, but the art itself generally turns out nothing like what I envision and usually takes a life of its own ‘cause I’ll just end up drawing whatever looks cool hahahaha

so I get some neat experiments and doodles and weirdness in various art pieces that definitely stemmed from story daydreams, but probably aren’t super related to the story itself in the end :P y’all don’t see much of this stuff ‘cause I mostly just post character drawings lmao

(this is bc I’m most confident with character drawings, and I will fistfight Drawing Backgrounds And Scenes in a wendy’s parking lot any day of the week)

but kinda hopping back up for a sec, one example that IS related to the story is like

drawings I’ve done that are centred in ATDAO’s unreality aren’t actually a super good representation of what the unreality is actually like? or I mean. they could be. they can be! but the drawings are centred around very literal concrete representations of glitchy weirdness

whereas in the story itself (at least to start with) there’s much more a focus on the general looming Hey Something Is Horribly Wrong vibes and, like, the unravelling and bleeding together of senses, the way the narration changes (ie the way your own thought processes slowly start becoming completely foreign to you), n just........ glitchy weirdness, but not glitchy weirdness that you can visually represent, glitchy weirdness that is canonically in the category “you can experience this and have no way to process it because a human mind is not equipped to translate it and your senses have no way of taking it in”

n then I bring the body horror in full force but that’s neither here nor there

existential terror and uncanny valley vibes r hard to draw, y’know? so the drawings mostly just wind up as me having fun with the aesthetic hahaha

but yeah, art stuff stems from story daydreams, it’s very rare that story stuff will stem from art daydreams

character drawings were something I started doing just ‘cause I liked my characters and I was vibin, but they ended up being the one exception in that they DO tend to actively inspire the decisions I make in the story itself, unlike my other art

written descriptions of people are a weak point for me, generally I’ll kinda know at least the key aspects of what folks look like, but the descriptions I come up with on page are always frustratingly vague............. n drawing them out helps me fill in the blanks and give my descriptions a bit more life and personality IMO, ‘cause I mean

there’s little things about people’s appearances that are pretty personal, little quirks or habits they have, etc, that I wouldn’t think of in writing, whereas in art they just crop up naturally

and also sometimes I’ll write a description of a character or have an image of them in my head and I’ll be like Yeah This Is Them but then when I draw them my hands will just make their own decisions

and whatever the hands create is Law and Official Canon as far as I’m concerned, I will always trust the hands over my initial plans when it comes to characters, and they have not failed me so far

and now that I’ve gone on a whole spiel about how (outside of helping me pin down character details) creating art isn’t generally something that inspires a lot of story development or daydreams, it’s time for me to completely contradict that because, like I said earlier: Undertow

this is a WIP that came into existence purely from art inspiration! basically I came up with Aster’s design on the fly because someone was like “it’s genderqueer pride day” and I was like Oh Sick Time To Make A New Genderqueer OC

most of the characters in Undertow were drawn and designed long before I had any clue who they were or what their deal was. the entire premise of Aster as a character was born within like two hours from one silly doodle. then I was like “BUT WHAT IF SHE HAD FRIENDS” so I drew some friends, who ended up being Kit and Meg. n their relationships with each other and the kind of story in which they find themselves all just kind of spiralled out from a series of silly doodles and took on a life of their own :P

I think it’s a different scenario since Undertow exists purely as a vessel for shenanigans and self-indulgent nonsense, so I was feeling a lot less pressure to be grounded and serious, I could just throw things around like “amnesiac clairvoyant delivery driver with an illegal magic crime truck” and “necromancer who doesn’t believe in magic who wants to reanimate a t-rex to honour his dead wife” to see what stuck and I had no need to be like “hm, but is that Realistic, though?”

unrestrained summer fun!

it’s easier for me to let myself daydream in relation to art when there’s none of this pressure, which I think is what separates Undertow from my other projects c:

plus Undertow is the one WIP of mine that I’ve always pictured in a kind of episodic comic format, though I lack the skill set or the patience to pull this off hahaha

as such, most of my development for it comes in the form of messing around with the artistic side of things!! as it should be, I think

anyway that’s enough from me I think, thanks for reading, have a fantastic day, hope you see some cool birds (if you do please tell me about them)

[artthetransguy]

‼️ You do NOT need dysphoria to be trans‼️

Starting off I should say I'm a binary trans person, I have dysphoria, I've been out for 6-7 years I think, I am medically transitioning (been on T over 3 years and almost 7 months post op top surgery), and I used to identify as a truscum and transmed. I'm going to rebut the common arguments that truscum, transmeds, terfs, and transphobes make. I will also attempt to answer questions others have (I originally posted this on Facebook and some of my friends had questions). I will mostly be arguing by citing information, but I will also tell my thoughts and opinions, as well as personal experience. 😡Arguments truscum/transmeds, terfs, & transphobes make😡 ⭕️"You need dysphoria to be trans". Not true. So first off, what is dysphoria? The medical definition of dysphoria defined by Merriam-Webster is "a state of feeling unwell or unhappy"(https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/dysphoria). Anyone can have dysphoria, even cisgender people, so this argument makes no sense. Does this mean that cis people who have dysphoria (which they can and do experience) are trans? no of course not. Why? because that's not what being trans means. I do realize that trans people will shorten 'gender dysphoria' to just 'dysphoria' like when they say "my dysphoria is really bad today" you know they are (usually) talking about gender dysphoria. What else is wrong with this argument? When I rebut this argument (which I do a lot) I usually say: 💬"how do you know?", I get responses such as "It's common sense", "you're so stupid/a dumbass", "it's science", but they can never, and have never provided a (reputable) source that says this. (I say reputable because I have gotten, and I'm paraphrasing, "my 20 year old friend who is about to get top surgery and has been on T for years says you need it" to which I replied "I'm also 20 and just had top surgery a few months ago and have been on T for over 3 years. Does that make me credible?" He didn't think so). 💬"What kind of dysphoria?" They then may say "you need some kind of dysphoria" or "you can't like *insert body parts here* and be trans". Well, what about the people who have finished their transition and no longer have dysphoria? are they still trans? Not all people will have dysphoria about the same parts. Some trans people have hair dysphoria, voice dysphoria, chest dysphoria, bottom dysphoria, social dysphoria, and the list goes on. ⭕️"Trans is short for transitioning so if you don't (medically/physically) transition, you aren't trans". No, it is not. Trans is short for transgender, not every trans person can or wants to transition. They may not transition for medical reasons, safety reasons, or they just don't want to. ⭕️"Having dysphoria doesn't mean you hate yourself/you have to suffer" This argument before made sense to me because I was misinformed about what gender dysphoria was, as are many others. What is gender dysphoria? The medical definition of gender dysphoria defined by Merriam-Webster is "a distressed state arising from conflict between a person's gender identity and the sex the person has or was identified as having at birth 'A significant incongruence between gender identity and physical phenotype is known as gender identity disorder; the experience of this state, termed gender dysphoria, is a source of chronic suffering'. — Louis J. Gooren, The New England Journal of Medicine, 31 Mar. 2011"(https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictiona…/gender%20dysphoria). Another important point in this is the "a distressed state" in that definition. Distress is defined by Merriam Webster as "pain or suffering affecting the body, a bodily part, or the mind...a painful situation...state of danger or desperate need"(https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/distress#synonyms). Seeing this definition and knowing what these words mean, we know that gender dysphoria is quite literally defined as pain and suffering. ⭕️"Being trans literally is the definition of dysphoria" Well, we already got the definition of dysphoria out of the way. No, it is not the definition of dysphoria. The APA (American Psychological Association) says "Transgender is an umbrella term for persons whose gender identity, gender expression or behavior does not conform to that typically associated with the sex to which they were assigned at birth". (https://www.apa.org/topics/lgbt/transgender.aspx). ⭕️"You need gender dysphoria to be trans" So now knowing that being transgender just means that your gender and sex aren't the same, and knowing what gender dysphoria is, we could say that we know this isn't true. But don't take my word for it, let's hear it from the experts: ☑️"Not all transgender people suffer from gender dysphoria and that distinction is important to keep in mind. Gender dysphoria and/or coming out as transgender can occur at any age"(https://www.psychiatry.org/…/gender-dysphoria/expert-q-and-a). ☑️"It is important to note that not all gender diverse people experience gender dysphoria"(https://gic.nhs.uk/info-support/gender-dysphoria/). ☑️"For some transgender people, the difference between the gender they are thought to be at birth and the gender they know themselves to be can lead to serious emotional distress that affects their health and everyday lives if not addressed. Gender dysphoria is the medical diagnosis for someone who experiences this distress. Not all transgender people have gender dysphoria. On its own, being transgender is not considered a medical condition. Many transgender people do not experience serious anxiety or stress associated with the difference between their gender identity and their gender of birth, and so may not have gender dysphoria"(https://transequality.org/…/frequently-asked-questions-abou…). ☑️" Many, but not all transgender people experience gender dysphoria at some point in their lives"(https://www.lgbthealtheducation.org/…/Understanding-and-Add…). ☑️" Do all transgender people have gender dysphoria? No they do not, because not every transgender person experiences the distress associated with gender dysphoria"(https://www.lambdalegal.org/…/article/trans-related-care-faq). ☑️"Gender dysphoria refers to distress that 'some' TGNC [transgender and gender nonconforming] individuals may experience at some point in their lives as a result of incongruence between their gender identity and birth sex, which may include discomfort with gender role and primary and secondary sex characteristics. Gender dysphoria is a diagnosis in the Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition. However, transgender is an identity, not a disorder, and the diagnosis is only applicable when TGNC people experience distress or impaired social / occupational functioning as a result of the incongruence"(https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4809047/#R15). ⭕️"Being transgender is a mental illness" This argument is used both by people who try to say that a trans person is delusional and therefore their identity isn't valid, and by trans people who don't want to de-medicalize transgender identity. We know this argument is not true from some of the other points I've made. Being transgender isn't a mental illness, not even gender dysphoria is considered one. "Gender dysphoria is a recognized medical condition, for which treatment is sometimes appropriate. It's not a mental illness"(https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/gender-dysphoria/). Also "The World Health Organization will no longer classify being transgender as a mental health disorder, the public health agency announced Monday.

Transgender and genderqueer identities, which WHO refers to as “gender incongruence,” are in a section about sexual health conditions in a newly updated version of the International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems (ICD)"(https://www.huffingtonpost.com/…/being-transgender-no-longe…). ⭕️"There are only 2 genders" When people say this they usually mean sex, but even then it is untrue. Both sex and gender are on a spectrum and aren't binary. "Sex is a determination made through the application of socially agreed upon biological criteria for classifying persons as females and males. The criteria for classification can be genitalia at birth or chromosomal typing before birth, and they do not necessarily agree with one another"(https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0891243287001002002). The binary classifications of male and female leaves out everyone who does not fit into these categories because of genital makeup, secondary sex characteristics, chromosomes, or hormone levels. When people say that there is only male and female, they forget that intersex people exist. A good read that I'd recommend that I read for school is "The Five Sexes: Why Male and Female Are Not Enough" by Anne Fausto-Sterling. In it, Anne says "Western culture is deeply committed to the idea that there are only two sexes. Even language refuses other possibilities; thus to write about Levi Suydam I have had to invent conventions-- s/he and his/her-- to denote someone who is clearly neither male nor female or who is perhaps both sexes at once. Legally, too, every adult is either man or woman, and the difference, of course, is not trivial. For Suydam it meant the franchise; today it means being available for, or exempt from, draft registration, as well as being subject, in various ways, to a number of laws governing marriage, the family and human intimacy. In many parts of the United States, for instance, two people legally registered as men cannot have sexual relations without violating anti-sodomy statutes. But if the state and the legal system have an interest in maintaining a two-party sexual system, they are in defiance of nature. For biologically speaking, there are many gradations running from female to male; and depending on how one calls the shots, one can argue that along that spectrum lie at least five sexes-- and perhaps even more"(http://capone.mtsu.edu/phollowa/5sexes.html). Another thing is that gender is a social construct, which I know is said a lot and is misunderstood. Pretty much everything has been socially constructed, so what is a social construct? "Social constructs or social constructions define meanings, notions, or connotations that are assigned to objects and events in the environment and to people’s notions of their relationships to and interactions with these objects. In the domain of social constructionist thought, a social construct is an idea or notion that appears to be natural and obvious to people who accept it but may or may not represent reality, so it remains largely an invention or artifice of a given society". So how is gender a social construct? The page goes on to say "Gender, which represents ways of talking, describing, or perceiving men and women, is also a socially constructed entity. Generally distinguished from sex (which is biological), notions of gender represent attempts by society, through the socialization process, to construct masculine or feminine identities and corresponding masculine or feminine gender roles for a child based on physical appearance and genitalia".(https://www.encyclopedia.com/…/socio…/social-constructionism). ⭕️"Non-binary doesn't exist because there is only male and female" Well for one, tell that to all the non-binary people. But no this is not correct. As we know, sex and gender are not binary so this identity makes sense. And also, whether or not you believe in them, they will continue to exist. ⭕️"You're a transtrender" People say a transtrender is someone who isn't "actually" trans, and just uses the label or pretends to be trans because its cool, or because they want attention. This is an argument made by transphobic people, including truscum and transmeds. People usually call others this for many reasons like: disagreeing with them, not fitting into their gendered stereotypes, not passing, not having dysphoria, not being the ideal trans person, they are experimenting with gender and gender expression, and/or being non-binary. Non-binary people are a big target of this argument. Heres the thing about this argument, no one thinks its cool or fun to be seen as trans in the sense that we are marginalized, are attacked, are killed, and so on. Also, Not every trans person is the same and wants to conform to gender norms. I'd also like to add that I get this comment a lot, despite being a binary trans person with dysphoria. They use it as a way to immediately discredit you and don't even know who you are. ⭕️"You're/you were just pretending to be trans" This is very similar to the last point but I wanted to go into more detail about this one. Some people may transition and then detransition for whatever reason (I'll go into this later). I know a few people had identified as trans and used a few different names and wanted to go by different pronouns then found out it wasn't who they were. Does this mean that they were faking it or pretending for fun? No, of course not. They thought they were trans and experimented and found out that they weren't. People should be able to experiment with their gender without getting accused of pretending to be trans. Most, if not all trans people go through an experimentation stage where they cut or grow out their hair, wear different clothes, go by a different name and pronouns, and so on. If we never went through an experimentation stage, how would we have known that we were trans? ⭕️"Most trans people detransition afterwords so you are going to regret this" This is usually said by cisgender transphobic people when trans people go on hormones or get surgeries. But what is the reality? "Surgical regret is actually very uncommon. Virtually every modern study puts it below 4 percent, and most estimate it to be between 1 and 2 percent (Cohen-Kettenis & Pfafflin 2003, Kuiper & Cohen-Kettenis 1998, Pfafflin & Junge 1998, Smith 2005, Dhejne 2014). In some other recent longitudinal studies, none of the subjects expressed regret over medically transitioning (Krege et al. 2001, De Cuypere et al. 2006). These findings make sense given the consistent findings that access to medical care improves quality of life along many axes, including sexual functioning, self-esteem, body image, socioeconomic adjustment, family life, relationships, psychological status and general life satisfaction. This is supported by the numerous studies (Murad 2010, De Cuypere 2006, Kuiper 1988, Gorton 2011, Clements-Nolle 2006) that also consistently show that access to GCS reduces suicidality by a factor of three to six (between 67 percent and 84 percent)... When asked about regrets, only 2 percent of respondents in a survey of transgender people in the UK had major regrets regarding the physical changes they had made, compared with 65 percent of non-transgender people in the UK who have had plastic surgery"(https://www.huffingtonpost.com/…/myths-about-transition-reg…). ⭕️"If you don't have dysphoria, how would you even know you're trans?" You can know that you are trans because you have a disconnect with your body which is called gender incongruence. "Gender incongruence is characterized by a marked and persistent incongruence between an individual’s experienced gender and the assigned sex"(https://icd.who.int/browse11/l-m/en…). So it could be argued that gender incongruence is like gender dysphoria with presentations similar to the DSM-V definition, but does not require significant distress or impairment. There is also something called gender euphoria, which is the opposite of gender dysphoria. "That is, euphoria or happiness upon being correctly gendered, upon naming their identity, and being validated and recognized as their authentic self"(https://everydayfeminism.com/…/these-5-myths-about-body-dy…/). ⭕️"If you don't have dysphoria that means you are comfortable in your body, ok with being your agab (assigned gender at birth) and those pronouns, and ok with dressing as your agab so you aren't trans" This is not true either. Just because someone doesn't have dysphoria, that doesn't mean they are comfortable with their agab. Like I said before, trans people have a disconnect with their body, the same goes for non-dysphoric trans people. They have a disconnect but do not have distress, or pain and suffering, because of the disconnect. ⭕️"What if you don't REALIZE it's dysphoria? What if you thought EVERYBODY felt like you?" I see people making this argument like, "they just don't know what they are feeling is dysphoria". People know themselves better than anyone else. Also, if you are not a therapist or anything like that, you do not get diagnose someone else. This could also just be a genuine question. Some people (like myself) didn't know what transgender or dysphoria was and some still may not. I didn't know what being trans meant and I didn't know that what I was struggling with was dysphoria. For me personally, I thought I was struggling alone for the longest time. ⭕️"Non-dysphorics, non-binary, people who don't use he/him or she/her pronouns make the community look bad and make everyone hate the trans community more." The people who hate trans people will hate us regardless of if we have dysphoria, are non-binary, use different pronouns that aren't common, and so on. Why not learn about those in your community (or learn about those in the community if you are not in it) instead of bullying and attacking those you don't understand and siding with transphopic people. ⭕️Fake trans people are taking resources away from 'real' trans people (like hormones, dr. appointments, surgeries, therapy, etc.)" If this is true, why be mad at the "fake trans" people and instead be mad at the gatekeepers, be mad because there is a shortage of doctors that treat trans patients (very few doctors that would take me around here but I have had one for a while now so its good), and be mad at the lack of education doctors, nurses, therapists, and so on, have on trans people. It isn't other trans peoples fault we have to fight to get our resources, it's the world we live in where we are marginalized and oppressed. (Important to note that I am not talking about myself here. The transphobia, marginalization, and oppression I have endured cannot be compared to that of trans women, black and other poc trans people, non-binary people, and places where it is illegal or punished by death to be trans/queer in. I have a lot of privilige here and I know this). 🙂Other questions or comments🙂 🔶"Are there degrees of dysphoria? Like, "you have to have dysphoria about 35% of your body to make it into 'Transgender Circle'?" Yes, not all trans people have the same or the same amount of dysphoria. Some say its like waves where one day they feel really good and other days dysphoria is really bad. Some peoples dysphoria is much worse than others, but as long as it is distressing, it is still dysphoria. Every exclusionist is different. Some say "you just need some type of dysphoria" and others say "you need to have chest, bottom, social, etc. dysphoria to be trans". But the truth is, neither is true. 🔶"What is the difference between BDD (Body dysmorphic disorder) and (GD) gender dysphoria?" BDD is "a pathological preoccupation with an imagined or slight physical defect of one’s body to the point of causing significant stress or behavioral impairment in several areas (as work and personal relationships)"(https://www.apa.org/…/und…/ptacc/body-dysmorphic-traynor.pdf). GD is "a distressed state arising from conflict between a person's gender identity and the sex the person has or was identified as having at birth 'A significant incongruence between gender identity and physical phenotype is known as gender identity disorder; the experience of this state, termed gender dysphoria, is a source of chronic suffering'. — Louis J. Gooren, The New England Journal of Medicine, 31 Mar. 2011"(https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictiona…/gender%20dysphoria). (I am not a medical professional but I will try to explain this) BDD and GD are very similar because they are both distressing and about the body, but there are differences. BDD is where your perception of your body is not the reality, where in GD you know what your body looks like and it doesn't match your gender identity. BDD is also compared to OCD. "The intrusive thoughts and repetitive behaviors exhibited in BDD are similar to the obsessions and compulsions of OCD. BDD is distinguished from OCD when the preoccupations or repetitive behaviors focus specifically on appearance"(https://adaa.org/…/other-relat…/body-dysmorphic-disorder-bdd). 🔶"Why doesn’t it harm the community to include people who experience euphoria instead of/not only dysphoria?" People say "having non-dysphorics and non-binary people makes the trans community look like a joke" but these people aren't going away and they are supported by the science. As I've said before, the people who hate trans people will hate us whether we have dysphoria or not. Bullying the trans people you don't understand won't change anything in regards to trans rights. What do you do when you encounter bullying? If someone is bullied for how they look, their skin, their hair, or their religion, should they change themselves? The easiest way would be to say yes but that isn't how things change. We need people to know that some people are different and that is ok and they deserve to be respected just like everyone else. If you are going to argue the "fake trans take away resources" I rebutted that argument earlier. 🔶"Why do people insist that you need dysphoria to be trans?" This is an interesting one because I used to be a truscum/transmed. But before I dive into this I first want to preface this by asking Well why do people believe things are true when we know they are demonstrably false? Look at flat-earthers for example (hang in here with me). They can't comprehend how the earth can be round, despite the demonstrable evidence that shows us the earth is round. They believe it because it makes more sense to them. They make arguments where they say the evidence is for a globular earth is fake and also argue things that they experience like "I don't feel the earth spinning" or "the horizon looks flat to me" or "we can't see gravity so it doesn't exist". They can't conceptualize the things they don't experience in their life. People are afraid that the de-medicalization of trans people will result in medical professionals taking away hormones and surgeries. It may also be the case that they know this is true but ignore the evidence because they think the de-medicalization of trans people will make it so we can no longer get hormone treatment or surgeries. I can tell you right now that the people of the ICD, APA, DSM, and WHO are not gonna let that happen. Gender dysphoria is a medical condition that is treated with hormone therapy and gcs (gender confirmation surgery). Gender dysphoria is distressing and that is certain, medical and psychological experts know this and aren't going to take it away. People may become afraid or offended because hearing "you don't need dysphoria to be trans" goes against what they have known to be true for so long. For me personally when I was a truscum/transmed I was young, I just found out what trans was, and "you need dysphoria" made the most sense to me because gender dysphoria was how I knew I was trans. I followed truscum/transmed blogs and youtube channels and I never questioned it really. I really only changed after I started taking science classes at college and learned what scientific papers were, and also, the biggest reason I changed was because things started coming out saying "trans isn't a mental disorder" which I thought it was. After I got out of the truscum/transmed community, only then did I realize how toxic it was. I hurt so many with my words and I was spreading false information solely based on my beliefs. The truscum/transmed community The truscum/transmed community is filled with people saying things like "I just don't understand *blank*" or "How could you be trans when *blank*" and these are as a way to say "your identity is confusing to me so I'm making fun of it". A lot of the scum/med arguments are questions where people "don't understand" which is the first step to learning. If you don't understand something, look it up or ask a trans person (with their approval of course). Asking non-dysphoric trans people is how I was able to comprehend how non-dysphoric people felt. I was able to ask and I always treated them with respect and got respect in return. If you sincerely ask people instead of making fun of them, you might get the answers you need to understand. Important note, many trans people are tired of having to explain to others why they exist so if you ask and you are confronted with hostility that is probably why, and it is completely understandable. I'd be angry too if everyone constantly invalidated me, attacked me, told me I'm a faker, and said my gender doesn't exist. I know I went on a tangent here but I feel this is important also. ❤️I am willing to answer questions if you have any. Share this if you would like. Also, feel free to use this post for your own arguments❤️

[steyuj-blue]

Who are your favorite fictional characters ever and why?

Oh, goodness! I really love so many of them. They've taught me so much.

Utena taught me humility. Sometimes our rebelions both destabilize vulnerable parts of oppressive systems, while simultaneously reproduce parts of them. It doesnt mean we shouldnt rebell, but, we should be ready to learn that we don't know everything. (I learned way more than that from her and the other characters, but going further into it'd be a more intensive undertaking that Ive got in me to tackle today.)

Tenou Haruka was my first genderqueering roll-model. She and Utena saved my life actually. I survived a suicide attempt and decided to see if being what I was, was as terribly evil as I'd been told. Here they were, two queer, heroic characters I certainly felt were worrhy to live, had they been more than fictional. Maybe I deserved to live and find some sort of fulfillment and happiness too.

Nausicaa, from Nausicaa of the Valley of Wind (lots of anime characters. High school was a pivotal time in my life). Nausicaa challenged the deeply held prejudices of the people she loved, against bugs. It was deeper than that, of course. (Or, at least I've interpreted it that way.) It was about bugs, the environment, war. It also about humanizing (for lack of another word in my vocab) those already deemed unhuman, because 1. We only recognize those who are most similar to us, 2. Resource scarcity. It questioned what "advanced" and "primitive" mean, in terms of both perspective and consequence. It remains after all of these years, my favorite anime. --On the less deep side of things, I also do love bugs (generic). I thought I got bit by a black widow last week. My fb post included pics of her and me saying she was a beau. That she had long, expressive legs, like a dancer, and that my camera didnt do her justice. My friends facepalmed and groaned about "of course you'd be going on about" right now. xD (Don't get me wrong, I elevated and applied anti-septic and an ice pack. But, It's possible to be afraid of something and in awe of it at the same time. I suppose that brings me to Tsukino Usagi.)

Tsukino Usagi (Sailor Moon) is by no means graceful, neither physically in motion nor socially. But the power of her belief, not just in individual people, but in the spirit of people, so intensly that it changes something, or calls it into being. She cultivates relationships, finds the pain and hurt in the universe, and though able and one could argue entitled to take various vengeance-based actions, opts instead to cultivate relationships whenever she can locate opportunities.

This reminds me, that there is a knighted feminist in the Netherlands named Sir (?) Rosi Braidotti. She has said something along the lines of "We may not have the tools we need right now to immediately enact the changes we want. But today, we can begin building the interrelationships necesary to make those changes possible." (Not a direct quote.) Usagi reminds me of that. :)

I wish I could recall my favorite villains at the moment, as there are some of those too. But, I'm drawing a blank at the moment.

Ive just discovered Peridot, on Steven Universe. I suspect she will join my list of favorites too.

Edit: FAITH LEHANE! I can't believe I almost forgot her. I effing love her. Im drained right now so this isnt gonna be robust analysid 1. She's badass 2. Fuck, it happens. We think we're better than someone and isolate them and evil peeps/groups take advantage of that vulnerability to bring them "to the darkside". She's a critique on the Scoobies as well as an illustration of Faith's character that, she gets that she was wrong, and despite Buffy and Co being assholes, she coalitions with them later, even fighting against her own father figure to do what's right.

Anyhow, I hope that satisfies some of your curiosity. It was exciting to get a random question in my inbox. Ty! ^_^

[genderqueerpositivity]

Hi! I just started to read about genderqueer and I still don't understand very well what is it. I realy want to learn beucause a very important person to me said they think they're genderqueer and I want to support that person properly. So could you recomend me something to read to know more about it? I realy hope I'm not sounding rude, I just don't realy know how to start! Thanks so much!

Hi! Your question isn’t rude at all.

Here are two pages that are pretty okay.

http://www.intersexrecognition.org/genderqueer.html http://genderqueerid.com/what-is-gq

The Nonbinary.org page is usually my go-to source for a question like this, but the website appears to be gone or offline?? :/

To try to break it down a little, genderqueer is a label that some of us adopt if we feel like it describes our gender identity. The same way another person might identify themself as a woman or man, I identify myself as genderqueer.

Now, genderqueer might mean something entirely different to the person you know than it does to me. One person might identify as GQ because they perceive themself to be both man and woman, while I feel that my gender is neither man nor woman.

For some of us, there is a politicalish aspect to choosing genderqueer as a label. In general, we reject the belief that there are only two genders (the gender binary) and the belief that the binary genders (woman and man) are “opposites”.

And we choose to reclaim “queer” as a part of our identity because of its history of use within the lgbtq+ community and because it resonates with our own gender experience. Gender: Queer.

Again, this all varies by person. There are as many experiences of genderqueerness as their are people who identify as genderqueer.

Some genderqueer people consider themselves transgender and some do not. (Transgender: having a gender identity different from the one a person was assigned at birth.)

Some genderqueer people experience gender dysphoria and some do not.

Some will take steps to transition (often done to alleviate dysphoria) and some won’t.

Some of us will change our names, change the sex on our legal documents, want to be addressed by different pronouns, change the way we dress/present ourselves, do hormone replacement therapy, or have transition related surgeries. And it differs by person, some people may change names but not take hormones. Some may take hormones but never have surgeries.

Some basic tips for friends/family/allies of genderqueer folks:

-If your genderqueer friend chooses a new name, respect that.

-Same goes for pronouns. Many GQ folks choose to go by different and/or gender neutral pronouns. We know it might take awhile to get the hang of, but do try.

-Some will want to be referred to by other forms of gender neutral language too. For example: child instead of son or daughter, partner or spouse instead of wife or husband.

-Don’t out your friend/family member. If someone has trusted you enough to tell you that they’re GQ or otherwise lgbtq+, but they haven’t/don’t want to tell others yet, respect that. Do not go behind their backs and tell other people–you could be endangering them by doing this. And they will remember that you broke their trust, I promise.

-You don’t get an opinion on another person’s gender. You can’t change someone else’s gender. You can’t “disagree” with someone else’s gender.

-Talk to us. Don’t be afraid to ask “What pronouns would you like me to use for you?”

-Really, you can talk to us. Ask your friend what genderqueer means to them! (Personally I can talk about gender stuff all day and many trans folks are the same).

-But be respectful. If they don’t wanna talk about it, let it go. Unless someone is specifically talking with you about transitioning, avoid questions like “Are you gonna have The Surgery?”

-You’ll make mistakes, we all do. Apologize, move on, do better.

I didn’t mean to write an essay, but hopefully some of this is useful????

[neonsheepcollector-blog]

Human relationships/partnerships/friendships are not white-and-black.

Something that I’ve come to understand in my thirty years is that there is a vast variety of human relationships, and how we experience the joy and struggles of companionship with the people in our lives.  And I want to dispel (and reinforce) certain ideas.  The way people move in life together, the way they love, is diverse, dynamic, and multifaceted. 

Just as there is a great rainbow of sexual, and gender expression, so there is of human interaction and partnership (and in many instances, these play together well).  Relationships are, for many people, not so cut and dry as the terms ‘boy/girlfriend,’ ‘friend,’ ‘partner,’ ‘significant other,’ ‘made-family,’ etc.  The range of human emotion and the outright complexity of interpersonal relationship fails to incorporate many kinds of situations that fall outside normally-accepted social constructs.   Many people have family who are not blood, just as many people have partners who do not fit the definition of a romantic partner.  I’m going to talk here more specifically about these non-traditional partnerships as there’s nearly endless (both useful, and useless, advice out there on that).

That means:

Not all life partnerships need be romantic or sexual in nature.  Some start, or wind up that way, but not all are, and this is not a bad thing. Emotional intimacy expresses in many ways, and you can express intimacy in both romantic, and aromantic ways.   You do not have to be attracted to someone who is your life partner; you can be, or you may be, depending on degree, over time, from start to finish, etc.  All are variables on the individual.  But bottom line, no one said somewhere that the person you choose as your partner must be your romantic partner.  I’ve known plenty of people who have deeper, more meaningful connections with a non-romantic life partner than they do fleeting/temporary/otherwise passing romantic interests, and trust me that isn’t as uncommon as you might think.

Life partnerships/close companionship need not be monogamous, whether the relationship is romantic/sexual or not!  Again, boundaries, communication, and respect are essential.  

Not all romantic partnerships need be sexual, or physically intimate.  Whether this is conscious choice, or because one or both parties are on the asexual spectrum, again this is not a negative.  Respect for boundaries and preferences are part of the key tenets of trust of any close relationship with someone else.   Some people rarely want sex or physical intimacy, even if they don’t identify as asexual.   Some people who identify as asexual are open to doing things with a romantic partner.   Some people rarely--if ever--are sexually attracted to actual people.  These are facts about other people that must be respected. Understanding isn’t as important as respect.  

And please, please remember this one: soulmate does not necessarily mean ‘sexual/romantic partner’.  

You do not need a formally acknowledged title, a term, a word, a social convention, ruling, or public recognition to make your emotional partnership valid and important in your life.   And even if you do have the luxury of those terms (and yes, it is sometimes a luxury, even a privilege, especially in regions/cultures where same-sex, non-binary/genderqueer relationships are stigmatized).   YOUR ABILITY TO PUBLICLY ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE DOES NOT MAKE IT LESS PERSONALLY LEGITIMATE. Oftentimes, as singular individuals, in difficult circumstances, you can do little to change the views of society, parents, religious structures, etc.  Your inability to disclose these relationships or partnerships does not invalidate their authenticity, or your authenticity.   Having non-traditional relationships can sometimes be socially frowned upon.  Respect each other’s situations.

You are not required to explain any relationship to someone else.  You don’t need to tell someone the details, or nature of your relationship (I’m leaving out examples of legal questioning for sake of argument here).   It’s not their business.  Other peoples’ opinions, speculations, suggestions, etc, are immaterial.  Ideally, they should only remark on those at your request.  Nobody likes busybodies. 

The rules of other peoples’ relationships and partnerships are not something you are owed an explanation of.

“Life” partnership does not necessarily mean “lifetime”.  People change, situations change, feelings change.  I feel like people are stuck in this mindset that when you develop something with someone, the goal is for it to stay that way...forever.  That’s ridiculous.  Even in the most traditional, life-long, monogamous partnerships, the nature, intensity, and character of a relationship can change.  This is called being human.  People grow and change as years go by.  You find ways to incorporate new things, new emotions, etc into their lives.  This does not necessarily mean any partnership is destined to fade or break apart--some do the opposite!--but it does mean you need to be open to change and be self-aware.  There is always room for personal growth.

Consent. This doesn’t just mean consent in a sexual context. You are not required to give someone consent to do something, take a responsibility, involve themselves, or ask emotional intimacy of you unless you are prepared to give it, and neither is the other party.   Especially when it comes to sharing details of your life with someone.  You are never allowed to make another person’s choices for them without their consent.  You don’t select their other friends, you don’t control their access, you do not take from them that which they are not ready and willing to give.  Again, just because you have an established, long term partnership with someone does not give you control, nor they over you.  Communication, negotiation, mutual respect and understanding, and being open and honest, are paramount.  Talking about feelings--even things like loneliness, jealousy, feeling neglected, or hurt by certain actions you or they do--need to be discussed before they ferment, and a relationship (of ANY kind!) becomes toxic. 

You aren’t required to mirror each other’s ideologies.   Whether this is religious, political, cultural, etc, it doesn’t matter.  You’re under no requirement to completely share your worldview with a life partner, companion, romantic partner, metamour, or anyone, really.  While it helps to see eye to eye with someone on most issues, rarely, if ever, do people agree on everything.  That is not a negative, or a failing. That is life.  Respect them, and they should respect you in turn.  So long as you both have this fundamental respect for each other’s thoughts, you should be free to agree, disagree, or agree to disagree.   Rarely (if ever) should this preclude your partnership moving forward (though it can be difficult or impossible if you or the other person has views that invalidate you or them; I’m just going to assume that if you’re at that point, that isn’t a problem).

Remember, at the end of the day, that the people you journey with and keep close are important to you, and you to them.  Respect, love, and treasure them.  If other people don’t understand how you or any partner you have, or friend, or whatever work, that isn’t your problem, nor do you have a duty to explain. It doesn’t take away from the validity of what you have with someone.

[crumpledjournal]

5.2.17

so apparently my school does this program where kids can head out into the woods for a weekend every once in a while and just… talk it out i guess. that was this past weekend, Ma (not my mom, a friend) told me to go. my old history teacher had been plugging for the trip for years, but id never actually gone. never thought id be able to explain wanting to go have a feelings jam with a buncha other kids in the woods to my dad. i didnt really until i came back and recapped a little (honoring the agreement i signed before going to not share anyones story from the trip).

on the one hand, i feel so fucking healthy!!! i feel like i have subsisted for the past year off of nothing but avocado smoothies and kale juice and like i have been doing yoga for 85 hours a day and like i finally met a person or two who i can actually speak my mind to and get more than just a “sure dude.” like, good lord does this feel good

i mean, thats what i told Ge and Di and i genuinely believe it. (both Di and i knew basically nobody other than eachother and we were alone in a sea of strangers for the first few hours.)

dont get me wrong, i feel lots better. i got a lot off of my chest. but there was also a lot left unsaid on my part. out of all the people there (about 90) there were two others who shared that they were genderqueer (and there were only like two other people who brought up the topic at all). one of them i had some p bad experiences with in middle school. the other was a student leader and facilitator of the trip, so Re (the leader) didnt really have a lot of time to talk, and in the discussions Re was mostly asking questions and… well, facilitating. plus, gender came up like once. and Re was not there.

but i was! it was nice to talk a little. i was in a meeting with the school principal about installing gender neutral bathrooms at the school a week or two ago and i talked about that with them, and i told them that being genderqueer goes waywaywayway back and lots of other stuff, i guess. but i didnt say anything about my experiences with being genderqueer, really.

and damn did i want to! idk if yall have picked up on this yet (all none of you) but talking to people about my shit is just so healing for me. thats why i have a public journal! like, talking to equals and feeling heard. i could tell my mom or the school therapist (and i do, often) about my shit and its cool, theyre supportive and shit, but since i started this class ive had no time to keep up old friendships that were based around hanging out. like, were still friends i guess, but… playing minigolf over text is just not the same, man.

there was this thing last night where from like, right after dinner until about 3 in the morning, we talked. people had seven minutes that they could use however they wanted in front of the whole group, and it was just their job to listen. and let me tell you, id been crafting my seven minutes for like, three hours before my name came up. the thing is, i planned like twenty minutes of monologue. i talked about a bunch of the family stuff ive got and that was real cathartic. i also got to talk about my struggles with depression, which was a real common topic. but… ive been thinking about the possibility of myself being a trans girl really, really hard over the past couple of months, and i still havent shared that other than with the people whove read this journal.

which is nobody, other than a couple people browsing tags when i talked about moana a little while ago. i havent told that many people i write this, but. i kinda trusted those who i did to read it i guess.

i dunno. i think im most afraid that im not going to have any healthy girl friendships. i see all these women and girls and they have such supportive relationships with eachother. i see it every day. holy shit, if you havent seen the rage and passion with which girls defend their true friends… Hoo Boy.

and im so worried i wont have that! like. i love being agender, and it’s wonderful to have the ability and the knowledge and the acceptance to be an out nonbinary person and not really have so many problems stemming from that in my life. but i have this fear that that ill be in this purgatory of a questioning period for just long enough that when i finally make up my goddamn mind and trust my conviction enough to come out as a trans girl ill have lost the opportunity to have these wonderful, girl-to-girl relationships. as an agender person i feel like so much of an intruder in these female spaces.

Like, Ha (who I met on the trip) was so wonderful and badass, especially considering the amount of shit shes had to go through. jimminy christmas, shes fucking strong. i try not to gender people here but when the topic is gender itself that kind of context feels crucial… but anyways. she came and sat with me when i was eating lunch alone in the corner and brought a couple other girls and. i mean, some of the body language of the others kind of told me they werent super interested in me being there but… it felt… so good. just to be in a female space, just to be included there for the most part, without cis guys around that i would get lumped with.

but then i think i had a panic attack like, near to immediately after that, because i felt like i was making them incredibly uncomfortable by being an intruder in their female space. and when my female friends were having a hard time during the trip (as often happened) i felt like it wasnt my place to comfort them and that as a natal male i would just make them more uncomfortable and they would doubt their friendship with me because so many guys just take advantage of women when they’re at their lowest emotional state and that’s the last thing i want to be seen as and i tried to hug a few women who were having a really hard time over the course of the trip but i just got this churning in my stomach because i might make it worse if i make them think i just want to hug them so i can feel them aginst my stupid fucking body and if i keep writing this sentence then im going to have another panic attack

i dont know what to do. i dont know who to talk to because despite the number of people who said i could come to them this weekend, nobody else talked about gender shit, and those genderqueer people who i do know have just told me to look into my heart and shit, which doesnt help because thats what ive been trying to do. i feel like i cant talk to women because to them ill just be another guy who’s venting because he feels like he can dump all his emotional shit on the closest woman (especially women i just met on the trip, i couldnt ask them to spend however long it takes out of their day to read this when i just met them). i feel like i cant talk to men because if theyre not transphobic to begin with, they either refuse to talk about emotional shit, or can neither relate to feeling like they wont have any healthy girl-to-girl friendships nor realte to being genderqueer. i know im going to send this little essay to somebody soon because i just need to hear at least one other persons thoughts but i dont know who its going to be

and on top of all of that i keep getting these stomach aches at mealtimes and no other time of day and i dont know if it was the confessions from people with eating disorders or something else but my stomach aches and then i dont eat and then it aches because im hungry until the next meal when it aches again and i cant eat and when youre choosing between not eating or eating and feeling like you want to throw up, do you have an eating disorder already? i dont know anything thats going on with my body and im depressed and i feel so ashamed because there were so many people who had stories that felt so much more real than just a pronoun and a stomach ache and they spent their seven minutes with what seemed like no regrets about not having shared things and here i am writing a fucking dissertation pity paper about myself because i feel like it wasnt enough time to talk about my dumb fucking problems even though what i have aint shit and if i fall into the spiral of ands i legitimately will have a worse panic attack and i dont know who i can comfortably ask to do the fucking weightlifting championship level shit that is required to do the emotional heavy lifting and read bullshit im putting on the page without feeling like im inconveniencing them to the nth degree

so i guess thats where im at

[gossipnetwork-blog]

'Ethical Slut': Polyamory, Open Relationships, Non-Monogamous

New Post has been published on http://gossip.network/ethical-slut-polyamory-open-relationships-non-monogamous/

'Ethical Slut': Polyamory, Open Relationships, Non-Monogamous

In 1994, sexual educator Janet W. Hardy, was bedridden for a month with a bad flu that had evolved into bronchitis. She was, as she recalls, “high off my ass on Codeine cough syrup” when she caught a showing of Indecent Proposal on TV. Married couple David (Woody Harrelson) and Diana (Demi Moore) are faced with a moral dilemma when a billionaire named John (Robert Redford) offers them a million dollars in exchange for spending one night with Diana. Hardy, who is now 62, had herself been in a marriage that had ended about a decade earlier, and had not been in a monogamous relationship since. At the scene where the couple hesitates over the billionaire’s offer, Hardy wondered if she was having a fever dream.

“I was sitting there going, ‘What’s going on here?'” she tells Rolling Stone from her home in Oregon. “A million dollars and Robert Redford, and they have a problem with this? It made no sense to me. I really got it at that point, how distant I had become from mainstream sexual ethics.”

Hardy reached out to her friend and sometimes collaborator, the psychotherapist Dossie Easton to work on a book about non-monogamy. The pair had already coauthored two books on kink which were read in BDSM circles, but not much elsewhere. Both Easton and Hardy identified as queer and polyamorous, and Easton wanted to reclaim the word slut. They combined their own experiences with both casual sex and open marriages, navigating orgies and battling jealousy. In 1997, under Hardy’s own indie sex-ed publishing house Greenery Press, they published The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities. It would go on to sell 200,000 copies.

The the first usage of the word polyamory is credited to pagan priestess Morning Glory Ravenheart Zell in 1990. Though different forms of non-monogamy have presented themselves in various cultures for millennia, in Western culture in the early 1990s it was still seen as an alternative practice, the kind favored by, well, pagan priestesses. Today, polyamory is less tied to one specific subculture or identity. In the two decades since the first edition of The Ethical Slut has been published, polyamory has expanded into a practice that, if not outright mainstream, is at least much more widely accepted and understood. According to a 2014 article from Psychology Today, at least 9.8 million Americans are in some kind of non-monogamous relationship.]

“Twenty years ago, I used to get calls from show producers all the time, and the call would go, ‘Can you point me towards a poly family that’s not either old hippies or screaming geeks?'” laughs Hardy. “I would say no, because A, that’s most of my rolodex, and B, that’s who was doing poly back then. But these days, when I speak to poly audiences, they’re young professionals, all shiny and new. It’s very different.”

Heather is a 35-year-old mental health advocate who lives with her husband and two kids in Toronto, Canada. (Her name has been changed to protect her privacy.) She and her husband started dating when they were 17 years old, a couple of years after the first edition of The Ethical Slut was published. The two Canadian teenagers didn’t yet have the language for what it is they wanted.

“This was pre-Internet forum, pre-all of that stuff. We really were going by gut,” she says. “I didn’t know the word polyamorous. I didn’t know that there were tons of other people that had ethically non-monogamous relationships.” The models they saw for longterm relationships, such as their parents or friends’ parents, were monogamous, but didn’t seem that satisfying. All that she and her then-boyfriend knew was that they liked each other a lot, and they didn’t feel the need to be exclusive.

“We had a conversation where we both realized, ‘I don’t care if you flirt with other people,'” she says about the beginning of their relationship. “‘Actually, it’s kind of great. I love that side of you.” She and her boyfriend were both extroverted, social people, and flirting with other people just felt natural. Heather, who identifies as queer, liked that she could continue to explore that side of her sexuality with other women. They moved in together at age 19. Her boyfriend started to date a woman he worked with at a restaurant, and when Heather met her at a holiday party, she realized she was attracted to her, too. The three of them entered a relationship together that lasted just under a year. The Ethical Slut describes this relationship model as a triad, but at the time neither Heather nor her partners knew that.

“That was one of our first experiences that wasn’t a casual or one-time thing,” she says. “The three of us were pretty sure we were inventing the wheel.”

Eventually, Heather says, the culture that surrounded her began to catch up. She credits this to living in a progressive city like Toronto, and the Internet’s ability to “bring people outside the mainstream together.” She finally read The Ethical Slut at age 30, while she was already well into developing what she describes as her “own kind of community of poly, kinky, queer awesome people.”

Like Heather, both Hardy and Easton had to figure out their own ideal relationship models as they went along. Easton, who is 73, was coming out of a traumatic relationship in during the summer of love in 1969 and decided that the only way for her to live from thereon out was by “being a slut. I was never going to be monogamous again,” she says. The idea of a communal lifestyle appealed to her, so she took her newborn daughter and found a home in a queer community in San Francisco. She joined a group called San Francisco Sex Organization and taught her first class on unlearning jealousy in 1973.

Hardy, 62, was married for 13 years when, in 1988, she realized that monogamy no longer appealed to her. Her marriage ended that same year. A few years later, in 1992, she met Easton through a BDSM group in San Francisco called the Society of Janus. Easton was teaching a class called “Pain Play with Canes from Psyche to Soma” and Hardy volunteered to help her demonstrate. Two years later, the pair gave a presentation on S&M in Big Sur at a Mensa gathering. (“Of all things,” says Hardy.)

“Dossie went home because it was so hetero, she couldn’t stand it,” says Hardy. Later, she ran into another friend who relayed an overheard conversation from the conference. “She said, ‘Did you hear about that S&M workshop this afternoon? There were these two women, they were talking about stuff they had done together, and one of their boyfriends was right in the room!'” Kink was no big deal to the Mensa crowd, but non-monogamy could still shock in 1994.

Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy, authors of ‘The Ethical Slut.’ Stephanie Mohan

Amber – whose name has also been changed – was born around the same time as that Mensa gathering, and today works at social justice non-profit in Brooklyn. At 23, she is barely older than the first edition of The Ethical Slut. Her vocabulary is comfortably peppered with terms that took Hardy, Easton and Heather years to start using. She prefers the term “polyamory” to “open relationship” because the latter implies a hierarchy to the people she dates, and she doesn’t have a primary partner. Friends she has sex with but doesn’t date she calls “paramours,” while “metamours” are friends that she has a romantic partner in common with. “I’m really lucky where most of my metamours and I get along,” she says. “I learned a lesson recently where you’re not always going to like your metamour, and that’s OK.” Liking your metamour can lead to “compersion,” which The Ethical Slut describes as “the feeling of joy that comes from seeing your partner sexually happy with someone else.”[2]

Her sibling, who is 18 and genderqueer, also identifies as poly, and Amber is out to her parents. “The way I told them, was I said, ‘Yeah, I’m dating this person, and this person, and this person,” she tells me. “I explained this to my mom, and her first concern was, ‘Well, what if you say the wrong name during sex?'”

Though Amber has only been identifying as polyamorous for a few years – she was 19 when she asked her boyfriend if they could open their relationship – she speaks with the confidence and authority of someone who has been allowed to experiment with her sexuality her entire adult life. She emphasizes the need for communication in all relationships, particularly when it comes to hurt feelings.

“I’m sure you’re waiting to ask me the big jealousy question,” she tells me. “Of course polyamorous people deal with jealousy, it’s just that we see it as an emotion to be acknowledged and talked about and work through.” Jealousy usually comes from insecurity and fear, she says, summarizing a large portion of The Ethical Slut, and can require “self reflection and metacognition” to work through. She is active in the New York poly, kink and queer scenes, and goes to several events a week including BDSM play parties and swingers mixers. I ask her if all her partners are part of the same community, and she laughs. “Yeah, whether they like it or not,” she says. “Even whe you break up with a partner, you’re still in each other’s peripherals.” There is little separation between her sex life and social life. Amber is unapologetic about this, and why shouldn’t she be? The word “slut” no longer has the same connotations it did when Hardy and Easton were 23.

As polyamory is treated less like a novelty and more of a valid relationship model, modern entertainment is learning to reflect that. In the eight-episode web series Unicornland, Annie (Laura Ramadei) is trying to explore her sexuality after the dissolution of her marriage. She does this by “unicorning” – the term given to women who join couples in bed for threesomes. Every three- to seven-minute episode introduces Annie to a new couple: straight, lesbian, kinky, longterm married couples looking to spice up their sex life. It depicts one very specific subset of polyamory, but in doing so manages to explore much of the richness and complexities of modern relationships that go ignored in most mainstream media.

“I was always in these long relationships, and they always had this goal of marriage and longevity,” says the show’s creator, Lucy Gillepsie, 32. Like Annie, Gillepsie got married young, at 26, and split from her husband about four months later. “Part of the reason I got divorced was I didn’t know how to communicate in my relationships, and sort of felt my needs were secondary to my partner’s,” she says. “Then I realized I didn’t have to do that to myself.” Post-divorce, she went on “a kind of tour of relationship options,” she says, and became involved in the New York fetish scene. “For the most part, it’s full of very interesting, very conscientious people who are creating and sustaining and maintaining very high functioning ethical polyamorous relationships.”

Gillepsie read The Ethical Slut two years ago, and started writing Unicornland about six months later. The idea of unicorning appealed to her as a narrative device because the evolution of her own sexuality felt like such an internal, mental process. “In Annie’s unicorning, she’s really able to try out other people’s relationships and see how they function from within,” Gillepsie tells me. “I felt that the couples were sort of the best way for Annie to try out all these different facets of polyamory.” The eight episodes take viewers through a crash course of many of the issues polyamorous couples face, such as jealousy, or navigating boundaries of what is and isn’t OK. In episode six, Kim (Ali Rose Dachis) returns from the bathroom to see Samara (Diana Oh) and Annie making out on the bed. “We have rules,” she says. “No French kissing on play dates.” It’s a simple line that shows how much work can go into creating and maintaining a healthy poly relationship, without the high stakes drama of Indecent Proposal.

“We’re seeing some TV shows that are specifically about poly,” says Hardy, when reflecting on whether things have gotten better since Indecent Proposal. She cites an episode of Crazy Ex-Girfriend in which protagonist Rebecca Bunch finds herself in love with two men and can’t decide between them. “She goes and interviews a poly triad to find out how to deal with this, and finds out that what she’s actually doing is just being a person with very bad boundaries.” I ask Hardy if she can think of other mainstream examples of polyamory. She mentions the not-exactly-recent 2001 movie Bandits, and Big Love, the HBO drama about Mormon polygamists. The pickings aren’t exactly abundant, but the critical success of shows like Unicornland and Broad City (in which Ilana Glazer’s character dates Hannibal Buress for the show’s first three seasons while continuing to pursue sex with other people) indicate that younger audiences are ready and open for more.

The 20th anniversary edition of The Ethical Slut, out September 15th, has been significantly updated and expanded from its humble debut, including sections to poly pioneers, black poly activism and yes, shifting attitudes towards polyamory within a new generation. They acknowledge that millennials reading the book today will not have been raised in the same context that Hardy and Easton were – before the sexual revolution, when saving oneself for marriage was considered the norm.

The essence of Hardy and Easton’s book, though, is the same as it was two decades years ago. “One of the things that’s radical about The Ethical Slut is that we wrote it in conversational English,” says Easton. “Most of the earlier books about sex were written like you’re supposed to have a white coat on, with a stethoscope around your neck, or you’re supposed to be writing about what those other people over there are doing.” The new Ethical Slut will sit on bookshelves beside other recent releases, like Amy Rose Spiegel’s Action and Emily Witt’s Future Sex, two books put out by mainstream publishers that combine a conversational tone with personal experience to challenge conventional attitudes about sex.

“It becomes a very intimate book for people, and we worked really hard to be affirming of everybody’s experiences,” says Easton. “The places where we get scared or embarrassed, any of that stuff, it gets in the way. People can find validation in there.”

Source link