#well i imagine here he would actually be on purpose threatening instead of just creepy fhfhdhdh

[the-gayest-sky-kid]

mostly tracing over the pharos concept art but this is just for fun. chuuya and the bestie (boy he is sealed within)

[nerdydowntherabbithole]

FINALLY FINISHED THE ITERATORS I CAN FINALLY SHOW. Outfits need work but eh. Anyway, here's Forward Movement and Upward Movement! A pair of maybe a little bit really fucked up guys. Lore and whatnot under the cut!

So! FM and UM, often referred to as FU or FUM, was an INCREDIBLY experimental iterator. Largely because half of their purpose was not only trying to solve the Great Problem, but also solve the problem of the rains that were starting to drown places. To do this, they ended up making a very, VERY odd iterator. FM was an iterator built to, quite literally, WALK to find what they need. His can is a quite small one, forced to try to cut down on weight to be able to move. Due to her size, she actually doesn't even reach over the clouds, and instead has been heavily reinforced to deal with it. However it was BECAUSE he couldn't reach the clouds that UM was made and proceeded to be plonked down right on top of him. UM, as you might imagine considering the name, was an iterator built to FLY. The idea for her was, more or less, to gather and recycle the clouds to let them out in much smaller bursts so less rain would form. She is also built to have massive wind power that allows her to blow entire storms in a different direction. Her cloud gathering was also an integral part to FM, as the two are connected and the water she takes in is also used to power him. FUM was,,,,,not that big a success. It worked a bit, but in the end it wasn't enough to make any more like them. Normally this would get them shut down and taken for parts. HOWEVER. Despite not fixing the problem, FM specifically was an INCREDIBLY serious and devoted iterator. She took the job very seriously, and despite all the oddities of the structure, was one of the most devoted to finding the triple affirmative period. UM not as much, but she was a very big part of FM and the two could not work without each other. The ancients decided this devotion was a good enough reason to keep them going, so while they could not built any cities on top of them or anything, they kinda just. Let the two go. NOW. Personality wise? These two are disliked by many, and it is,,,,,rlly not for no reason. FM is an incredibly serious, workaholic, callous, and kinda mean iterator. His immense devotion has not petered out in the SLIGHTEST despite the ancients being gone, completely believing that it doesn't matter and they need to fulfill their purpose, ancients or not. Generally does Not Care what other people think or what they are doing. Also frequently steals people's water, and does not care if you are ok with that or not. FM is also equipped with canons and other combat things to use against predators that try to attack them, and have used these things to quite literally take out probably a non zero amount of iterators. Despite being generally cordial, FM is beloved by nobody.

UM meanwhile is a catty, gossipy, flamboyant, reckless, generally bitchy kind of gal. Also kinda very creepy. Loves to get in other people's business, doesn't care what they think, and is incredibly manipulative for no real reason other than liking having control. Unlike FM, she thinks finding the solution is a useless waste of time, and will actively have fun sabotaging work anybody is doing, including and specifically FM's. As you can imagine, the two are polar opposites. And, frankly? They hate each other's guts. They frequently threaten each other with mutually assured destruction, FM threatening to shoot down UM, and UM threatening to just fly away with all the water. They work shockingly well together, but are constantly at odds. This is not helped by the fact they share a lot of amenities like overseers, experimentation chambers, and such things like that. Both are convinced the other will kill them, and honestly they are correct. UM thinks FM is a uselessly devoted hardhead workaholic, and FM thinks UM is a stupid conniving waste of space. Both love to get on each other's nerves, and half their time is spent sabotaging the other in various petty ways. Unfortunately when they work together they do AMAZING work, and give stupidly good advice about various things like water conservation and stuff like that which they will surprisingly tell you willingly. Whatever the case, they are very fucked up and skrunkly. Open for questions if anyone cares to!

[kakubun]

what if you were their personal helper?

a/n: im biased on all of these because basically you're special to them in a type of way

part 2

warnings: chapter 189-206 spoilers‼‼, suggestive, violence mentions

sanzu

you would be his personal cook that mikey assigned

you really worked hard at making the best dishes for sanzu (1. 50/50 chance of getting killed because you might never know with his pill popping ass and 2. you don't want to purposely mess up good ingredients)

sanzu though, really loves your dishes

he would say horrendous compliments like how he was about to have an orgasm biting into the steak minutes ago (rindou looks up at him from his laptop in disgust while ran scoffs in amusement)

ran suggested to maybe gift you something or pay a visit to whoever is cooking his meals and damn well sanzu was thrilled to hear that idea and was ready to work on it

(the haitani brothers thought the same, that you were probably going to shit your pants if bonten's number 2 suddenly appeared right beside you out of nowhere)

the very next day, his preffered time of lunch was much more later than the others so it's pretty normal for the others to not see him at the table and knowing that he's doing his own business

but this is completely different than what he usually does, he's looking for you! and there you were, in the flesh and busy preparing his meal

you look rather panicked, oh how many guesses he had. it was near his lunch time, you cooked the wrong meal, you're panicking about the slighest things or you thought you were doing it wrong

turns out you just wanted to cut the right size of tomatoes because you cut one ridiculously large chunk so you huffed and picked another tomato and nearly laughed at your stupidity

well sanzu was correct in some ways but you were just minutes away in finishing so he watched

with every second he stepped closer and the closer he got which was just right over your shoulder, you squeled because 1) creepy and 2) his breath was tickling your neck that you just had to make noise

you grabbed your wrist and your finger bled, in the state of suprise you accidently cut your thumb, luckily it was only a little so you rushed to the sink to wash it off

sanzu had a smile on his face, oh woops accidently shocked a poor person by breathing on them so the best he could do was offering a bandaid that was in his pocket

you glanced at his arm and saw the bonten tattoo inked on it so your eyes lit up in fear in why a bonten member is up infront of you

you gulped and he couldn't help but giggle to how terrified you looked and he twirled the plate that his food on it

"you're almost finished with my food, huh? quickly, you have a few seconds" you looked at him again but with genuine curiousity and suprise that said "sanzu haruchiyo? what is he doing here?"

your thoughts swirled in your head in chaos, finishing up his food and the waiter that were to take his food entered the kitchen

he froze in the doorway, recognizing the feared bonten 2 and sanzu asked him to go away by simply motioning it with his hand as well as adding in a "if you don't go, i'll kill you" by doing a slashing motion across his neck, you did not know how fast the waiter walked out of there

sanzu carried his plate towards the table your partners and you ate at and sat there, tilting his head when you stayed at the same spot

"sit here, i wanna talk" shitting your pants is a understatement, dying should be the right term

but no worries when you sat down, he smiled again with his eyes closed (though you're not sure what kind of smile was this, his rare ones? because if it is then you can make it out of here without being out in a grave)

let's just say he was interested in you and he said quite some nice words to you, this won't be the first time he'll crash into your life and have moments of talking to you after all, you're his cook right?

you're just lucky enough when he decides that you're one of the few pieces he'll cherish in his life, one he wouldn't kill but respect deeply and stick around with

kokonoi

you were his respectable assistant that deals with errands, well a more better term is a spy

you listened to conversations about bonten in the dark and sneak off to inform the others, first of all koko of course

your relationship between him was proffesional and all, reporting about what bonten enemies have said, nod and leave

but there was a time where he finally got to know you a bit better

you were a bit later than the time he asked for you to come to his office after your work, about 10 minutes atleast and he raised his eyebrow at you when you slipped into his office out of breath but quickly regain it as to not piss him off any further

"sorry sir, i got attacked" attacked you say? he got up from his seat, slowly approacing you and you sweat

overall his demeanor was cocky and all but you've never seen a scary side so supposingly it's okay for you to not feel threatened but would he really be angry at you for getting attacked?

"i don't see any bruises on you, did you really get attacked?" that sly grin showcased itself, he felt the taste of a lie coming but it didn't when you spoke up again

"i fought back sir, with this." you pulled out the staff, pressing the button to open it and twirled it over for him to see

it was the staff he gave, well actually showed off when he opened the weapons room, telling you to atleast get a weapon to defend yourself, if you can even though (he halfly joked at the end with his tongue out)

you told him that it was the gang that was still gaining these "leaks and secrets" or so to speak, are the ones rindou falsely put out in the open and the gang planned to go to one of the secret bases that bonten usually went to

besides what you say is necessary information but he circled around you in silence and decided to try to hit your head but you smack his hand away with the staff

he went for your neck but you swiftly wack the staff into his waist and he groaned, impressed

he was about to say something but sanzu interrupted by opening the door without knocking and almost bumped koko with the door

"heheh sorry, can i borrow your assistant, come come~" sanzu sung out but koko shooed him away, wanting some time to talk to you but pink crazed bastard wanted to talk to you so he shut the door on him and yelled at him to go away for a moment

after that day, more people seem to recognize and fought with you

it would pretty ironic if koko were to be the one ordering them to attack you

" i wanna see you fight more" whatever he says, you just hope it actually isn't him sending mofos to attack you because that would be a d!ck move

but he didn't, one of the bonten members revealed that a little spy is watching them from above like the idiots they were that they bumbled out their secrets for the spy to hear (guess who)

so he rewards you, after the hell you went through, you better be gifted

extra!!:

"may i measure you?" you looked back at the person in shock as they smiled warmly at you and you suspiciously glared at them, reaching slowly for your staff.

"sir kokonoi has asked to measure you." they went to stretch out the measuring tape and held it around your waist, you hesitated on holding up your shirt because of how ticklish and feathery their fingers were. this was all too sudden but you go along with it.

while you twist your shirt up, they placed a note in your back pocket and you questioned on why did they do that, you reached it while they're measuring your legs.

"i'll send someone in to measure your size for your clothing, do you also want lingerie to be part of your gift too?~" the note said and you nearly stumbled into the tailor when you tried rereading it all over again.

"what colour do you want? do you want a matching set?" "no!!"

(koko's probably pissing himself right now, trying to imagine your panicky expression, laughing like a maniac in his office)

ran

you worked as his personal maid and he admired how careful you were

you were pretty noticeable since you took your time on one thing at a time like dusting off shelves and cupboards for a long moment or scrubbing away at the dirt in the plate that stuck too long there (i mean it's reasonable but you stressed over it for a few minutes)

he approached at some times to check on you and he would smile sadistically at times when you look at him like a deer in headlights, wondering what you did wrong to make him approach you himself

he just wanted to praise and point out some of your habits which you rubbed your neck to and nodded to do better next time

it also gave him a chance to see your stretched arm and your hands, especially your knuckles more better than afar (not in a creepy way)

your knuckles were deep red and would have cuts over it and he would leave at that but it got too much for him whenever he came to you and it kept getting worse

he popped the question when you moved his flowers into a pot to sit in the sun when your hands were all bandaged up

"why has the condition of your hands worsen everytime i come to you?" so he did notice, you sighed and told him the truth while you rubbed your bandaged knuckles

"people are picking on me so hitting their faces makes my knuckles hurt and become ugly each time i return back here" he was suprised that you even used your fists and he held your hands and spoke softly

"you didn't use the baton i gave you?" you feel yourself burn, you had to pull away from him and you wanted to jog off into the sun but you akwardly shrugged instead

"i'm a lot more used to using fists to fight plus i.. might have hit my face with the baton once" his laugh was sugary sweet, the rarest you've ever heard but he was laughing at your mistake so you bit your tongue and fumed, going back to arranging his flowers (that he's probably allergic to but keeps them around cause they're pretty💀)

he patted your shoulder, casually correcting himself that it was cute that atleast you did try to use the baton that he lended to you

"i'll teach you, every evening at around 4, i'll train you to use the baton so it's less work for your fists and more for your baton." you responded that mikey had his meal around that time and you had to clean the table cloth after he eats, shyly you admit that he tends to be a little messy when eating

ran smiled, stuffing his hands into his pockets and going off after insulting you one last time

"i'm impressed that you're more careful with the table cloth than your own hands" and that ends the evening with you screaming into your hands because of how frustating, ran haitani bonten executive was

extra!!:

"now i really need you to be honest with me, how do you even fight with your fists?" "your brother teaches me how to break their limbs but i accidently graze the floor sometimes because of how tough the enemy is"

well that was pretty shocking, he looks at you with suprise in his eyes, you also looked at him suprised, you just didn't know how expressive he was and you're finding out about them because of these 4pm sessions.

"doesn't he have a maid that helps him out?" "he says i make great coffee" ran grumbled that you shouldn't even serve a fucker who drinks coffee in the first place and you couldn't help laughing. in exchange for the love of coffee, rindou might as well train you. he's not blind, he sees the bruises on your hands when you return back to the headquarters.

(and to maybe trigger ran a little since he was the one mainly teaching reader his fighting style and not ran and his lame ass baton and he just stole his maid for a few seconds, might as well train them as a reward)

"show me a better compliment and i might stop serving him" "you're good with your hands" you smirked and got up and tapped his shoulders with the baton, teasing him into giving you more compliments

"shut it now before i use my hands to shut you up" "you may at anytime" and he did, now you can imagine what he did lol

[ships-for-you]

Anon Request

Hi! I’m incredibly sorry I got to this so late but I am so excited to get started on this, thank you for requesting! (Gifs are not mine)

Also warning, there may be the occasional swear words.

Mizuki:

Alright, Mizuki is known for having some sort of obsession over things and people that he likes.

Especially when he deems them cute.

Especially x2 when he knows that that they’re here to stay with him.

So when he meets his s/o for the first time, he immediately notices your height first. I mean you’re so cute???

He also imagines you as his own personal pocket pet that humans are always gushing about? Like, he’s tempted to turn you into one of them.

Then he realizes that’s creepy and he’s not trying to do that since he’s learning from Nanami so…

He’s very bubbly and openly shows his enthusiasm whenever you come around the shrine with Nanami.

He absolutely loVeS the height difference between you and him. I mean, he’s 5'8 which he doesn’t consider very tall so to find a guy that’s shorter than him with looks to boot? He’s in.

He tries not to get overzealous when talking about his life story since he doesn’t want you to get scared of him.

He purposely left out the part where he trapped Nanami in his own God’s shrine but you knew anyway.

He likes to hold your hand and compare their sizes because he finds that interesting that yours may or may not be significantly shorter than his.

He teaches you how to play the flute in the most cringeworthy way possible like when he puts his fingers on top of yours while he’s behind you?

Yeah, cringeworthy but slightly sweet.

He loves to hover over you when you’re doing something like cooking or reading a book without you noticing just so he can scare you.

That little shit

He occasionally likes to scoop you into his arms for a hug and then randomly lift you up because he’s feeling extra that day.

Or maybe he just had a bad day.

Speaking of bad days, he always likes it when his s/o clings to him for a bit and reassures him that they’re not leaving since, again, attachment issues.

Mizuki, although obsessive at times, doesn’t actually get too jealous of when you hang around other guys or girls.

I mean, he wouldn’t like it if you spent more of your time with them than him but he’s not stingy with you, if that makes sense lmao.

But he definitely wouldn’t allow you to hang around Tomoe and Kurama too much. Having Tomoe’s scent on you is enough, he doesn’t need that crow’s scent on you as well.

I don’t know, apparently scent is important to him and his scent on you also sort of repels other demons and/or akashi from getting too close.

Kanato:

Ok, hear me out.

Kanato is 5'4. I’m not saying there aren’t any guys under 5'4 but they’re rare to find

So if he does encounter any male below his height, he is immediately amused. (And somewhat interested, let’s be honest.)

If you aren’t, that’s ok. You still get his attention somehow. If you’re obnoxiously loud, your style is interesting, or you’re great in the art like writing or singing, you’ll get him interested to some extent.

I feel like Kanato is one of the last of the brothers to accept he’s even remotely interested in men in that regard. Like, borderline homophobic.

Honestly it probably stems from something incredibly superficial like he doesn’t find men, “conventionally cute.”

When he does eventually come to terms with it, he’d probably invite them over for a tea party with sweets and tea.

Given that it would be you playing butler because he’s suddenly found of having a cute guy serving him.

He’ll be the type of guy to ask you out by threatening you so…not entirely romantic but if you like the dude, I won’t judge.

The relationship is not so toxic(?) It’s just where one is more high maintenance than the other and so you kinda have to bend over backwards a lot.

I mean, he does like you but it’s just different? He either can’t show it properly or does not show it at all.

Admittedly, there are times where he just disregards teddy’s existence in exchange for cuddling you when he’s tired.

You also coax him into sleeping earlier so you could cuddle. (He’ll complain and thrash about like a child but he does it less the more you ask.)

He enjoys your body temperature way too much.

Might even sneak in a little nibble since he liked your warmth way too much to the point he wanted to feel more.

Plus, your size makes it perfect for him to cuddle you. To him you’re not too big and not too small, just right for him.

It will probably take a while before you can actually kiss him or anything.

When it does happen though, expect it to be messy and maybe one or two of his brothers peeping in his room to watch you two.

They’ll probably photograph that, just saying.

Tamura:

Warning, slight ns¿fw ahead

Lmao, you gave me the power of choice so here he is. (This entire post will probably get taken down because of this gif ffs.)

Since he’s gay in canon, or just generally is comfortable with guys in every sense of the word, I thought he’d be the most likely love to have a short s/o.

I feel like Tamura is the type of guy that absolutely loves anyone shorter than him and will tease the ever loving shit out of them. If they’re quiet and reserved or really loud, outgoing and a tease, you’ve probably got yourself a blue-haired shark after you.

He’s also a tsundere type so he definitely won’t be the one to initiate any type of conversation between you two.

Of course, let’s say you came to their, “after school club” during visiting hours, he’d be super over-protective because he feels like you probably didn’t know what their club was for.

And now that the other members know who you are, they won’t leave you alone since they know for a fact their little Tamu likes you.

Toono is probably a great friend for you since you’re in the same class.

So is Yaguchi.

You’ve known Yaguchi since you were kids so you know the real, “Yacchan.”

You also know Kashima which is pretty cool for you since he’s a great friend and confidant but not so cool for poor Tamu-chan.

If you do like Tamura, it would be an interesting scenario for the rest of Yaribu to witness.

You like Tamura and are jealous of Yacchan while Tamura likes you and is jealous of Kashima.

You hang around Kashima mainly because you’re both pretty new to the whole, “liking boys” scene and tell each other your insighits.

Tamura has no excuse to talk to you but with the help of Toono and Kashima, they both secretly pull the strings to make you see each other more than before.

When you do start going out, it’s a little hard for him since he wants to be loyal to you but he kind of needs to do his business in the club.

But if you assure him it’s fine, he’ll be wary but at least he has your consent.

He kind of abstains from sex? He probably only uses toys now on others instead of actually giving them a good pegging.

If it does start to get a little out of hand, like Tamura still doesn’t serve for the club properly, Akemi will probably force you to be recruited.

He doesn’t really like initiating a lot of the romantic or affectionate stuff but he does like it when you give him little kisses here and there throughout the day

or quick hugs,

Or just a simple affectionate touch on his face to assure him that the day will pass by fast and you’ll see him later.

There would definitely be a time where his s/o told them they’d have, “a fun time” when they got to their dorms.

Turns out they were just going to watch a movie.d

Is Tamura disappointed? Yes.

But will he wait until you’re ready? Fuck yeah.

~○~○~○~○~○~○~○~○~○~○~○~○~○~○~○~○~

Thank you for requesting! This was so fun to write but it’s my first time writing for male readers. Feel free to critique it if you find something too off and I’d be glad to change it.

Requests are open folks!

[samthemarvelfan]

Graveyard: Chapter One

-A Pet For The King-

Summary: Is being out of a cell worth all of this? ...probably not...

Pairing: Loki Odinson x OFC

Warnings: Sexual situations, innuendos, threatening, Loki is a dick.

A/N: Here we go! Off to the races! Do these two have a history? Sure seems like it... Tags are open.

There were at least 50 prisoners ahead of you awaiting their assignments at the work shed. Thanks to Korg, you’d been released from your cell, and sent for something called Joruuda’s Judgement.

From what you gathered, Joruuda is a green guy with 2 heads assigning people to different lines. A simple grunt—all of which sounded the same to you, and one of his assistants would shove you where he decided.

There’s about 10 people to go when you feel a soft tap on your shoulder. You turn, and your gaze immediately has to glance another 3 feet higher.

“Hey Ella, it’s me Korg.” The pile of rocks smiles happily.

You smile, shaking your head in disbelief. This guy really is too nice to be locked up in here.

“Hi, Korg.”

He stands awkwardly next to you as the line begins to move again. “Whatcha doing?” He asks.

You sigh. “Just awaiting destiny.”

“That’s a funny way to look at a life time of manual labor, but okay. Hey, that King guy is here. Wanna see him?” He asks innocently.

You scoff. “Why is a guy that’s supposedly a King down in the cells? Not much regality to be found in a dungeon.”

Korg shrugs. “Not sure, but I think the Grandmaster is letting him have his pick of concubines.”

You roll your eyes. “Wonderful.”

You’re next in 2 away from being judged, “No thanks, Korg. The guys is probably a lunatic, and I’ve had my fill of those.”

“Alright, suit yourself. Hopefully you don’t get sent to the 4th line.”

Your stomach churned, “Whats the 4th line, Korg...”

“Oh, that’s the ah, the sewage department.” He smiled.

“Next!” The assistant with the clipboard called.

You step up to the line marked on the floor. “Race?” She asks you.

“Asgardian.” You reply, attempting to avoid eye contact. Most people these days didn’t like hearing that someone had visited Asgard, let alone was a citizen.

One of Joruuda’s heads turn and looks at you abruptly. His three eyes scan you up and down, before growling something to the assistant on his left.

“Alright, Asgardian. Lane One.” She says. You smile meekly, and follow the guard.

Compared to the other lanes you’d seen, lane one was relatively empty. Just you and 6 or 7 other women; of every shape and color, mind you.

A guard holding the largest blaster you’d ever seen stood at the head of the line. “Listen up, urchins! Through that door you will remain silent! Stand there...look appealing...keep your mouths shut. For those of you selected...well, congrats. Those of you who aren’t?” He smirked, “I’ll see you in the sewers.”

Selected? You thought. For what?

If you’re being totally honest, you’re not exactly sure how much worse things for you could get, so you decided to roll with it.

A buzzer sounded, and the door ahead of you shot up, opening into a large white room.

The 8 of you file in and stand on marked spots. Curiosity got the better of you, and you start to look around. It seems to just be a large white room with one door on either side. On the wall ahead of you however, you notice a small seam across the bottom where it meets the floor.

Illusionary walls. You think to yourself.

Suddenly another buzzer sounds, and a voice comes over an intercom, speaking yet another language you don’t understand.

A door on the other side of the room opened, and a guard walked in. He makes his way to the group of you and without hesitation, grabs the front of your shirt and yanks you towards the door.

Shit, shit, shit! You didn’t actually prepare for what would happen had you been picked.

Three more guards walk past you, back into the room where the other girls are awaiting their fate. “Alright ladies, to the sewers!” One says happily. The last thing you hear before the doors shut is shrieking.

“This way...Asgardian.” The guard commands. Note to self, keep your origin story private from now on.

The guard escorts you down the dark hallway, and into a very questionable elevator. Then, a transport carrier arrives and escorts you to the one building towering over the rest of the city.

Once inside, you traipse down the red and white hallway, before stopping in front of a door. “Wait here. When the door opens, you can enter.”

You nod, not wanting to attract unnecessary attention. The guard takes a few paces behind you, but waits there with his gun at the ready.

After a few moments, the door slides up. You walk in, and see people in the bright clothing and markings all over their faces. A large, boisterous group is straight ahead of you, laughing. When they see you approaching, they part down the middle.

A man walks forward, dressed in the gaudiest outfit you’d ever seen. His nails and eyeliner matched the same shade of blue, and his assistant was the surliest looking woman you’d ever seen.

“Ah, here she is!” He leaned over to her, “it is a she...right, Topaz?”

“It is a she.” The stout woman replied monotonously.

It doesn’t take you long to realized that this nutjob is the Grandmaster.

“Wonderful, wonderful! Sire, I believe this is the one you’ve selected to be your concubine du jour?” He asks suggestively.

A crowd to your left splits a path, and you sense his presence before you see him.

“Oh yes, I do believe she’ll do wonderfully.” The smirk in his voice is undeniable.

No, not here. You think.

But he is here—Loki, in all his glory.

“You’ve got to be shitting me...” you scowl.

“Hey, hey! Language missy, this is the King of Assberg!” The Grandmaster boasts.

“Asgard.” You and Loki mumble simultaneously.

He laughs suggestively, “Ah look at that, bonding already I see. Well your majesty, please feel free to retire to your chambers. Those broad shoulders of yours must be quite tense, and I can see in your eyes you’re just dying to get a taste of...” he drifts off, unsure of what to call you.

“Prisoner 7648.” His assistant said boringly.

You rolled your eyes, “My name is Ella and I will not be going with him.”

As you turn around to leave, you’re met with the whirring of a laser blaster aimed straight at you.

Putting your hands up in surrender, you spin back around.

“Oh no actually, I think you will, won’t she?” The Grandmaster queried.

“Mmm.” Topaz replied.

Loki took a step forward. “Grandmaster, might I humbly request some privacy for the day? I’m quite pent up you see, and I’m not sure I’ll be able to control myself with this one.” He says, looking you up and down.

I’m going to kill you in your sleep. You think as loud as possible, knowing Loki is probably poking around in your head. A smirk crossed his lips for a moment, and you’re confident he read your mind.

Good.

“But of course. Feel free to join my pleasure vessel later, we embark after dinner.” He offers Loki, to which you feel the vomit rise in your throat.

I am surrounded by maniacs. You think to yourself.

“I shall consider it,” he replies. “For now, I’ll take to my chambers.” Loki’s gaze is upon you once more, but his eyes aren’t holding that signature arrogance you’re used too. They almost look...relieved?

Probably to leave this fools company.

The guards who escort you were equally as creepy as the rest, and while Loki roamed freely ahead of you, they’d chosen to shackle you—at Loki’s insistence.

“I can take it from here, gentlemen.” He said, punching in numbers on the keypad on the wall next to the door.

You keep silent as he walks you into the room, and removes your shackles.

“Now then—“

Slap!

Your hand reverberates off his cheek before the shackles hit the floor.

Loki’s face remains unphased as he grabs your wrist, squeezing it tightly. It’s hurts, but you won’t give him the satisfaction in telling him that.

“Striking the God who just saved you is not the wisest of choices.” He seethes.

His grip grows stronger, surely bruising you. “Saved me? You’re the reason I’m here in the first place, asshole!”

His tone lowers, “Careful, pet. You’ve no friends here, and I am still your king.” He warns.

You tear out of his grasp. “You’re nothing to me. Just the man who tried to have me killed.” You turn your back on him, and walk towards the window.

He laughs sardonically, “Don’t be so dramatic.”

“Dramatic?!” You shout, “You summoned a tidal wave to chase me down and drown me.”

His face shift into something you can’t decipher. “You would not have drowned. You’d have been pull back toward the palace, but instead you decided to not head my warnings and kept running.” You hear his footsteps carrying him closer to you.

“How did you even find me? Have you charmed me? Put some sort of location spell on me?” You sneer.

He chuckled, “You’re not worth the effort it would take to maintain it. I fell into the bifrost same as you, only I was wise enough not to get myself captured.”

You turn to him and cross your arms, “and how do you expect the Grandmaster will feel when he find out he’s housing a murderous usurper?”

Loki closes the space between the two of you, “Oh pet, I don’t expect him to become aware of any of that. A gentle reminder that I’m the only thing standing between you and a lifetime of slavery to that lunatic, so I suggest you do not try my temper.”

“Or what?” You prod.

He moves his lips close to your ear, “or I’ll have you sent back to your cell to rot away into eternity.” He whispers.

When he pulls his face back, his eyes are boring into yours, “Thoughts?”

You swallow thickly, your eyes unable to leave his gaze. As much as you detested the God before you, you knew better than test him. Besides, being with him is a much better choice than being a prisoner.

...well, a prisoner in a cell anyway.

You’d known Loki your whole life. There was a time when you’d never imagine he’d hurt you, but it’s all different now. After what he did all those years ago on Midgard, and what he’s done now to Odin, there’s no predicting him. His taste for power and purpose has drained him of his humanity.

“Fine, but if you think I’m going to serve as your concubine, you’ve got another thing coming.” You threaten, though after his words, the threat comes out meeker than intended.

Loki laughs, “If that’s what I wanted of you, I’d take you...right here,” he braces his palms against the window behind you, trapping your body between it and his. “Where everyone could see you come apart, but alas, I’ve other pressing matters, I’m afraid.”

Asshole.

“Why did you pick me then? You can’t possibly think I would uphold any loyalty to you. What purpose could you have for me?” You ask, trying to shrink from his gaze.

Loki pulled away from you, moving across the room. He removes his leather cloak, laying it on the bench at the end of his bed.

“I have plans. Plans that will require someone with your skills, and if you’d like to see Asgard again, you’ll do as your told.”

The anger building within you began to bubble over, “‘Do as your told?’, I’m not a dog, Loki. I’m not a pet you can train and command.”

“Actually,” he ponders, “that’s exactly what you are. Whilst on Sakaar, my pet you shall be.”

Sakaar? Well at least I know where I am, now.

He sits upon the bench, and removes his boots. “How long have you been here?” He asks suddenly.

You shrug, “I don’t know. A month? Maybe less maybe more. The days in the cells all blurred together.”

A sort of sadness flashes in his eyes, but you ignore it. You will not fall for the trickster god’s schemes.

“Hm, well I’ve been offered to join the Grandmaster for dinner. It’s supposedly quite the grand affair, so I suggest you bathe.” He says, looking you up and down once more.

Oh gosh, when was the last time you bathed? You can’t remember, and it’s embarrassing. You were never the fairest of maidens on Asgard, but right now you looked like something scraped off the bottom of a boot.

“Don’t fret, pet. I assume life was not full of grandeur in the dungeons. Bathe, and look presentable.”

You roll your eyes, “Forgive me, your majesty,” you sass, “it would appear I’ve left all of my fine silks and jewels on Asgard.”

Loki stands, and waves his hand over the bed. Through the reflects of green shimmer, appears a silk gown. Deep green in color, and far too revealing for your taste. “Now as for the jewels, I suppose I can make my pet a collar—“

“No.”

He smirks, “I thought not. Come, let us bathe.”

Your eyes widen, “I know how to bathe myself, and I can’t exactly run away down the drain, Loki.”

He opens the bathing room door, before turning back to you. “No, but these people seem to think I’m making you come undone in every conceivable way possible,” he husks, “and I can assure you, I would not be done yet. So I will stay with you a while longer, to maintain our ruse.”

You sigh, “You disgust me.”

Loki tuts, “Now, now. My pet would have the highest obedience. We’ll have to remedy that tongue of yours.” He runs his thumb across your bottom lip, and you have to resist the urge to bite it off.

“Bathe—now.” He orders.

You traipse past him into the bathing room. Sitting on the edge of the pool, you pull off your boots and your vest, pausing when you get to your tunic.

“Turn away.” You seethe.

Loki’s eyebrows raise, “It’s not like I haven’t seen a woman’s body before.”

“That may be true, but the only way you’re seeing this woman’s body is if you’ve developed the ability to see through clothing. Now turn away.”

...and he does. Which surprised the hell outta you.

Once you’re in the bath, you submerge you’re body fully under the milky water, leaving only your head visible. “Okay.” You announce.

Loki turns around and begins stripping off his clothing.

“What in the name of Yggdrasil do you think you’re doing?!” You shout.

“Bathing. I was in those dungeons for only a moment and I feel absolutely riddled with filth.”

You gasp and turn away when he reaches for his belt. “Absolutely not! There’s another bathing pool right there, Loki!”

He laughs, then you hear the water splash, and you can only assume he’s entered your pool. Lucky for you, it’s nearly 8 feet wide, so you tuck yourself into the far corner.

“Do you not recall the escapades of our youth? Bathing nude in the sea whilst the stars danced above us?” He croons, moving closer to you.

Loki reaches behind you, grabbing a wash sponge and hands it to you. “A lot has changed, Loki.”

The water ripples as he moves away from you again. “You’re right, and I intend to keep it that way.”

The milky water is above your bosom, shielding your body from his view as you wash yourself. While it’s not the most awkward thing in the world, considering how familiar you are with each other, it is unsettling.

“This is madness.” You mumble.

“Oh, pet,” Loki smirks, “The madness has not yet begun.”

[trashscenariihxh]

Can I please have the trash quartet as yanderes? Thank you!

Sure!  I actually already did some for Hisoka and Pariston on my old blog, but for the sake of convenience, I’ll just repost them here (No, I’m not stealing someone else’s HCs!  I’m just reposting).  If you’ve already read those HCs on my other blog and want more, please ask ^^  TW: narcissistic, abusive behavior ahead.  If any of you are being treated this way by another person, get away ASAP!

Yandere HCs: Trash Quartet Edition

Hisoka

Okay so it’s actually very unlikely for the clown to become a true yandere because let’s face it, he’s probably never going to be able to obsess over and “love” a single person enough for things to develop to that point.

However, if Hisoka has decided that he really, really wants to ruin someone (ie: kill, break, maim, possess totally) then it’s possible he’ll get a bit obsessive.  Now don’t get me wrong: he’s still going to go off and do his own thing.  He’ll fuck, kiss, and kill whoever he wants.  Sometimes he might even forget about you for a bit.  But he always comes back to “play,” and god help anyone who gets in his way.

Hisoka won’t really care if this “toy” of his does their own thing for a while, but he would want your ruination to be reserved for him.  Imagine his obsession with Gon and crank that up to 11.

Yandere!(ish) Hisoka manages to be even more covered in blood than usual.

Stalking.  So much stalking.

Even though his end goal is to ruin you, Hisoka can act quite… pleasant around you sometimes.  Lots of teasing, flirting… some creepy allusions to what he wants to do to you.

So here’s the thing: Hisoka might not be planning on ruining you right NOW, but some mental torture is still on the table.  If he sees someone seriously flirting with you?  Consider that person dead.  Hisoka will straight up kill someone horribly in front of you, and then revel in your fear and revulsion.

He might even make a few halfhearted attempts to kill you right then and there just to watch you squirm.

You’d better believe his dick is hard the whole time.  “Seeing you scared like this is so delicious.”

Pariston

That whole spiel about wanting to hurt the things he loves should give you enough of an idea of what Pariston is capable of.

Okay so Yandere!Pariston happens gradually, at least as far as you’re concerned.  He starts out being so… nice.  And generous.  He’s always around to lend a helping hand.  Always smiling.  Always giving you compliments.  When he asks you out, you feel like you’ve won the boyfriend lottery.  

You’re so enraptured by his charm that you don’t notice how far apart you’ve gotten from your friends, or how little you call your family.  Sure, you gave up your career, but that was only after Pariston assured you that he’d take care of you!

It starts slowly, so you don’t really notice how Pariston keeps really close tabs on where you go, who you talk to.  He likes to do things like pick out your outfits and accessories, he chooses your perfume.  Soon you’ve become a perfect specimen of everything that Pariston wants.

Pariston will manipulate and straight up gaslight you when you start to realize that what he’s doing isn’t okay… and you’d better believe that he’s doing all those hurtful things on purpose.  But of course, Pariston will tell you that you’re being ridiculous- of course he wasn’t flirting with his coworker just now.  You must be imagining the scent of someone else’s perfume on his clothes.  How dare you think so lowly of him?

By the time you realize what’s going on, it’s too late.  Pariston has isolated you from everyone.  You have no friends, no money, no career.  He makes sure you know it, too, and he tells you in his mellifluous voice while smiling widely.

The scary thing about Pariston is, you never know when he’s really happy or angry with you, or if he’s just trying to get a reaction out of you for the fun of it.  He has you on your toes constantly.

Is he coming on to you, or threatening you?  You can never be sure.

Want to leave him?  Go ahead and try.  See what happens.

Chrollo

Chrollo is kind of a weird type of yandere.  He’s not really going to want you to be close by all the time.  He’s a criminal, after all.  You’d probably just slow him down.  But as soon as he gets back, you’d better make yourself available to him.  Friends? Other engagements?  Forget them.  Sure, the troupe will always come first in his mind.  But he believes that as far you’re concerned, he should be your priority.

Chrollo essentially sees you as a toy that he can play with as he likes, but he doesn’t want anyone else to play with you either.

It takes a LONG time for his yandere side to come out though.  On the surface, he seemed pretty normal at first.  You might not even have known that he’s essentially a mass murderer.  He was nice, sweet, and caring for the longest time!  Once you realize what he is, it’s far too late.  He’s figured out all your greatest fears, your hopes, dreams, what makes you tick.  You’re entirely in his control.

If he asks you a question about what you’ve been up to while he’s been away, answer truthfully.  He might be genuinely curious... but it could also be a test.  Tread carefully.

He can be so sickly sweet and romantic when he wants to be.  Is it genuine?  Is it a lie?  You’ll never know, but it does seem as though he turns on the charm when he wants something. 

Are you his partner or a hostage?  The line between the two is exceptionally thin and blurry.

Chrollo believes that you are destined to be together, so no matter how many times you reject him, or how many times you run away, he will bring you back.  He’s not in a rush to do so either... after all, you’re meant to be together (in his eyes, anyway).  

So basically, you might think you’ve seen the last of him and start getting comfortable with your new life.  Maybe you have a job.  Friends.  A new lover perhaps.  Things will be going really, really well... until out of nowhere Chrollo appears and takes all of that away from you.

You can tell him you hate him as much as you want, he won’t listen.  You can tell him how happy you were without him.  That won’t matter.  In Chrollo’s mind, he knows you could never be happy without him.

Chrollo has a way of getting you to apologize for things you should never have to apologize for, and he has made you see his forgiveness as some kind of panacea for all your pain.  

Once he’s made you feel completely psychologically (and perhaps physically) dependent on him, Chrollo will use his absence as a punishment/means of control.  He will ghost you for weeks.  Maybe even months.  He knows this destroys you, but he doesn’t care.  Doesn’t absence make the heart grow fonder?

Illumi

Illumi is the most straightforward yandere here.  He doesn’t really play many games with you; he’s made it perfectly clear that you are his and his alone.  Why is that so difficult for you to understand?  Do you need to be reminded?

Illumi is not above using his needles on you to bend you to his will, but he doesn’t want you to be a shell of a human.  At least, not yet.  That’s only as a last resort.  He’d rather you be devoted to him of your own free will (and perhaps with a little bit of... extra convincing) but if you remain stubborn, then, well...

He doesn’t see a difference between you doing as he says of your own volition and you obeying him because you’re too terrified of the consequences.  It’s all the same to him.

He wants babies.  All the babies.  Illumi is obsessed with carrying on the Zoldyck line, so if you have womb, you will be expected to use it.  Of course Illumi will see this as a way of binding you to him even more.

Did someone upset you?  Consider them dead.  Illumi won’t understand why you’re upset by him killing them, though.

Illumi does, in fact, understand human emotions.  He’s just not great at expressing them.  So instead of normal, healthy, romantic love you get Illumi’s twisted approximation of it.  He’s isolating you from all your friends and family because surely that’s what love is, right?

If you ever tell him no, or tell him that you don’t want to see him, or that you want to do something that he’s forbidden, he’ll just stare at you with those dead eyes of his and ask “why?”  And then you’ll be at a loss for words, and eventually you’ll end up doing what he says.

Illumi sees you as his property, plain and simple.  However, he doesn’t see how this is a bad thing.  Really, he doesn’t.  In his mind, you’re living in a mansion, you don’t have to do any work if you don’t want to, and you have his undivided attention and devotion.  What more could you want?

As Jareth, the Goblin King said: “I ask for so little.  Just fear me, love me, do as I say and I will be your slave.” 

[tarithenurse]

On my mind, in my soul - 4

Prompt: Blue, floor, Foreigner’s God by Hozier (passages in block quotes) Pairing: Loki x Burglar!reader. Content: Swearing, angst, pain (mostly emotional), arguing, sadness, mention of trauma, LEMONS (with a hint of dom/sub?)...fluff? A/N: Link to previous chapters in Masterlist (check bio or tab). If you want a tag, then just ask (yay). Please reblog if you enjoyed...or comment! Comments are nice too. When that’s said...probably a shitload of typos etc bc i’ve not proofread ‘cause I’m in a shitty place mentally after a too social weekend (so worth it though). “Resume”: (Because this takes off right where we left last chapter)  The heavy sigh rattles you to your core. “I’m sorry for this, [Y/N].” Glancing briefly, you see how he runs a hand over his face, rubbing the tired eyes momentarily. “I can only imagine what you must think of me, truly…but I need you to hear me out, alright?”

It’s not like you have a choice, really, and this conversation has started nothing like you’d expected. “Then talk.”

Holding the Devil’s Hand

Waiting impatiently for the worst too happen, it surprised you when you realize he’s sitting down on the floor as far away from you as possible. There are other options for him to sit comfortably, still he’s chosen the least threatening option. It’s on purpose…trying to make me at ease. Drop my guard. Regardless the reasoning behind it, however, the silence still hangs heavy in the air, threatening to explode if neither of you say anything.

Her eyes look sharp and steady Into the empty parts of me

“I’m not good at these sort of things…apologies.” Stalling already with a sigh, Loki settles down more comfortably in the corner by the door. “I realize that…nothing I say can make it up to you…” You can feel his eyes on your back and it paralyses you, afraid what might set him off. “I…I’m prone to think very highly of myself and my skills as the God of Mischief and Chaos. Finding that I had been tricked and by a Midgardian girl no less?” He snorts in disbelief at his own words, releasing a hot prickle of anger in your chest. “I was intrigued. Amused more than offended…”

You grab the chance as he trails off. “So far you’ve said nothing that warrants fucking kidnapping me! Either get to it or let me go now!”

“Easy, tiger,” the god smirks, “my point is…your skills, personality…you…I see potential. The few testes I arranged proved that you’re exactly the partner in crime I need for a very delicate…challenge. I’ve been spending almost every waking hour since we parted to try to find you in the hopes of…convincing you to return so I could explain myself and extend an offer I think would be mutually beneficial,” Loki’s voice lowers to a purr, “because you can’t deny that we’re good together. Although…complementing each others’ baser instinct was a bonus which I thought you had no problem with until the…misunderstanding we –“

“Misunderstanding?” Spinning to face him, all the fear’s been flushed away by anger-fueled adrenaline and you can feel the nails dig into your palms to keep your hands from shaking. Anger at him. And anger at the heat in your core at the memories he awakens. “Misunderstanding!? Are you fuckin’ serious right now??!! You hit me so hard that I landed at the other side of the bloody room!”

He’s on his feet quicker than you can fathom and you jerk backwards until you collide with the bench by the window, sending you hard on your ass. The fearful retreat stops him short. Burning indignation reigned in in the same way he returns to the far side although he stays standing.

“What you accused me of being willing to do…” Loki’s voice’s shaking with anger although he tries to hold it back, “people may never think of me as good, but I have a code if you will. Some things that I’ll never lower myself to.”

“H-how should I…” The words are hardly getting across your lips as you stutter meekly along, so you try again. “Ho-ow should I know that?” It’s hardly a victory to finish a sentence, but this time it feels as though you’ve accomplished something grand, the little thrill enabling you to continue. “Prone, held at knifepoint by a guy who was accused of all sorts of shit. And not just here on earth.”

You know from experience how good Loki’s at using his tongue, but words don’t come easy as he opens and closes the pretty mouth of his until eventually, he stops trying and withdraws into himself. Once more, the only sounds is the faint buzz from the lamps and a gurgle in the waterpipes hidden behind the rich wallpaper. Rubbing the back of your legs where you’d slammed them against the seat, you assure yourself that not even a bruise will hint at your clumsiness.

The sound of a lock makes you look up to see Loki opening the door and stepping well out of the way, granting a clear path out of his bedroom. He doesn’t look at you, so you doubt your ears when he tells you that you are free to go.

Hesitantly at first, you tread across the soft carpet, each step bringing you close to freedom yet also fanning a doubt in your mind. Five steps to the door, Loki’s standing still in front of the mirror by the dresser. Four steps, you ignore the frown and glistening trail on his cheek. Two steps, and your legs are slowing, body fighting against the logic that urges you to hurry out and down the stairs, whishing no one will stop you. One step, and a memory presents itself, uncalled for at an inopportune moment which causes even your logic to hesitate. In the doorway itself, you come to a halt.

She feels no control of her body She feels no safety in my arms

“What was it?” Don’t hear the quiver of my voice, please.

You can see the staircase from where you stand, the broad steps granting a glimpse to the hall below.

“What was what?” Loki answers flatly.

“What was the reason the charges were dropped? About your role in New York?”

Everyone had been stunned when the news leaked, and it had been the rage in the media and online where the most absurd conspiracy theories went unchecked because really, what arguments were there anymore now that it was a fact that aliens existed?

“It’s of no consequence.” Arms cross over his chest, defiant and protectively. “Just leave. Forget about this. I will not bother you anymore.”

Dimwitted, emo-loving freak, your logic begins a rant to get you from doing exactly what you end up with anyways. A few steps back, while cussing yourself to Antarctica and back, brings the reflection of the god’s face back in view. Pale and hard. A hand nimbly swipes a wet shimmer away before it reaches the sharp jaw. Don’t fucking do it. It’s a trap. He’s a trickster. A liar. The sharp sting from the teeth sinking into your lower lip shuts up the inner monologue for a moment, allowing you to breathe deeply and way the risks.

All that I've been taught And every word I've got Is foreign to me

“You’d never given me a reason to actually…fear you…despite your majorly creepy stunts of breaking in to my place and shit…” The exhale comes as a puff, that stirs the fine particles dancing in the air between the open door and you. “The rules of our…game...thing…they were never clear, but you…you…uhm…” Struggling to put the chaotic thoughts into words, you know that you’re trying to convince yourself more than him and you hate yourself for it. “You’d not done anything I didn’t want be-before I accused you of wanting to…y’know…and you hadn’t even hinted that that was something…”

Loki has gone completely still, barely even breathing as he listens to the mumbled mess, but you’re at a loss at what you actually want to accomplish. Comfort him? He’d hurt you physically. Scared you. But if anyone had said something similar to you, wouldn’t you have lost your temper? Difference is, of course, that you don’t have the strength to literally knock someone through a wall.

“Gimme one good reason to trust y’again.” The harshness you’d tried to summon is inaudible, reducing your order to a plea.

“Not that.”

Staying quiet, you absentmindedly try to rub some warmth into your arms as you wait for the man to quit being stubborn. It’s going to be a long wait, but now that the door’s open you aren’t in as bad a rush as before.

“There’s an item which I greatly desire, but it’s of dire importance tha–“

“You can take the item and shove it unless you don’t answer my question,” your voice cracks like a whip, silencing Loki quite efficiently and you notice how the god’s body tenses.

A rustle accompanies the stubborn, no, haughty answer. “I told those who need to know about…the background for New York.”

“Then there’s no more to talk about.”

You’re in the hallway, when he calls out for you, broken and beaten by his own demons. I should continue. Already, your feet are rooted on the polished wood. I should leave. Soft footsteps are drawing near, urging you to run rather than turn to face the man the way you actually do, watching his cautionary movements and the tremble of his hands, feeling the cold roll over you once more. This is a trick. Eyes meet and you have no doubt that the pain he’s exhibiting is real.

“Tell me what happened.” It’s a soft murmur, spoken into his raven hair as you awkwardly pat his back.

It takes a minute or two before he straightens up, freeing you shoulder from the weight of his chilly head but taking your hands instead to tug you gently with him back into the room.

The door closes softly behind you, no click of the lock this time at least, as Loki silently offers the bed as a seat for you. You accept hesitantly, afraid of how long or short a time is left before the trap’s sprung. A trap you’ve walked into freely this time. Thankfully, he leans against the wall by the bathroom door with his head hung low as you fidget with the hem of the purple silk, trying to find some way to soothe your nerves. Can I take the cover? The air’s freezing.

“If you ever tell anyone about this…”

He doesn’t finish the sentence. Doesn’t have to, really, mostly because even in your world there are some things that are sacred. He’s not the only one with a code. And then he begins talking about event long passed, about wrongs he had done of his own free will where not even the despair he’d felt was an excuse and no promises from neither him nor his family could right the many wrongs that had been committed. It had let to his fall. Literally and figuratively.

Then the tale takes a turn for the worse. To a darkness where words fail along with the god’s human appearance. As Loki talks about torture and pain beyond any you’ve experienced, his real form breaks free as if trying to protect him from the memories. Red eyes blur and burn in stark contrast to the ice that form around him, creeping towards you. And still you inch closer to him, to hear the words that are whispered hoarsely and to tentatively extend a quivering hand, placing it on his dark-clawed fingers.  Squeezing as he whispers the name of a Titan.

Screaming the name Of a foreigner's God The purest expression of grief

“I don’t want your pity,” he growls, trying to shake off the hand.

I know. “Good. ‘Cause you’re not getting it.” You manage to contain the sigh. “You’re still a fucking lunatic, but at least I know why…I can work with this…”

“You can…?” Eyes like blood scorch your skin.

Yeah, it’s not smart of me, though. “Gonna clear up some things if it’s gonna work…and you’ve got a shitload of sucking up ‘fore I forgive you for bashing me ‘cross the room.”

The reaction’s immediate, perfect proof that you’ve chosen the wrong words. A low frequency makes the air hum, and the face folds into that of a predator that’s both hungry and amused because it knows where to find the next meal without putting any real effort into it. Catching your wrist before you can pull your hand back, so you tug hard, pulling Loki’s on his knees before you as you scuttle back along the wide bed. Raven hair partially obscuring the smirk curling his lips, falling away grant a view of the shoulder blades oscillating under the thin, white shirt that’s stretching tight over the wider-than-normal body.

“How convenient.” The lip that darts out have an effect on more than just Loki’s lips. “I’ll do more than just…suck…up.”

Pressed up against the headboard, your only escape would be off the other side of the bed, but of course you don’t go for it because you’re a fool with no backbone to resist the silver-tongued god even now. That’s why you let him grab your ankles and pull you slowly to the edge of the bed, kissing each inch of skin as it gets within reach all the while he bunches up the thin fabric of your dress until his lips ghost across the very top of your inner thigh. A cold nose brush the soft lace as he switches attention from one side to the other, almost distracting you from the fingers that are wandering past your hips and across the expanse of you belly, straining the fabric and setting off shivers that have nothing to do with the cold of the room.

There’s a warm shimmer, a sign that you know very well already, exposing more of your body and granting Loki a chance to slither the exploring hand further until it skims the valley between the breasts to trace the delicate lace that does absolutely nothing to hide the perking nipples. Teasing and pinching them through the bra ads a lovely contrast to the feathery kisses and licks below the waist until you’re breathing raggedly, chasing Loki’s mouth with your still covered cunt.

Wide strokes of blue palms towards your hips send new waves of anticipation rushing along, and you can feel how slick your core is becoming even though the god hasn’t even touched you there. The moment his fingers hook on the panties, you can’t help but hold your breath. Glancing down between your legs to see delight warming the features decorated with lines…lines that you know from experience are practically everywhere on his body. But the green eyes are trained on the reveal happening before him as, inch by inch, your pussy’s bared.

“So beautiful.”  The words are carried on cold breath but hold more warmth and adoration than anyone else has ever shown for your body. “Perfect…and eager.”

You know somehow that you moan the moment his mouth finds your folds and begins to tease, driving you to writhing and whimpering to the precipice of release all while Loki’s kneeling on the floor between your feet. Each moan from your lips makes him hum with pleasure, sending vibrations into your core in a way that shouldn’t be possible. Every gasp and panting breath from your lungs causes him to suck greedily at your clit.

Somewhere in the process, you realize as Loki spreads your legs further, he’s removed your panties completely, but a particular strong lick that curls his tip of his tongue inside you chases any coherent thoughts away. Then you feel his fingers pushing and wiggling against the fluttering walls of your pussy, finding the g-spot and running over it again and again in slow pumps matching the pace of his lips. Teeth nibbling and tugging in a masterful feat of balance between pleasure and pain.

“Let me hear you…then I’ll let you cum.” Even when talking, Loki doesn’t let up but applies a thumb deftly to your clit. “Say my name.”

In the foggy storm of you mind, the words annoy you. That wasn’t the deal. It’s a struggle to get as far as to rest on your elbows because each movement requires coordinated use of your muscles that are trembling due to Loki’s ministrations. Finally in place, you catch his hooded, red eyes.

“N-no-o.” Your answer makes him slow down, but not stop. “You’ve no…right…to demand anything.”

You’re gasping for breath and in no condition to assert any imagined power, but pure stubbornness fuels you even as the man arches an eyebrow at you in disbelief. Lazy circles around the nerve bundle keeps you on edge, fingers slide effortlessly through the tight wetness in a way that sweep your g-spot gently.

“My dear, I believe you’re right…I did give my word.”

The low growl should have been warning enough in it’s own, but you’re too tightly wrapped in the ecstasy his adept handling has you stewing in to notice how his arms wrap around your thighs. All you know is that the world seems to shift around you sending you off the edge of the bed and impaling you swiftly around the ridged cock. All air leaves you in a warbled moan as the sudden intrusion topples you over the edge, back arching so you shoulders rest on the mattress, holding you partially in place like a safety in case your grip on Loki’s shoulders should fail. Even then, he’s got your hips in a bruising grip, lifting and lowering you effortlessly at a reckless pace without any risk of you slipping away.

Your core is spasming, sending thundering waves of heat each time the icy shaft bottoms out, ridges passing the sensitive spot each time. Sharp keens spur the god to rut into you wilder, practically shoving you back onto the bed as he leans over you to taste your skin. Lavish kisses and love bites soak up the pearls of sweat and he sucks greedily at your neck, you breasts, your mouth. The two of you share breaths through the superficial pantings, causing you to slowly black out from the mix of restricted air and the continuous orgasm burning through your body.

A cold thumb presses against your clit, rubbing tiny circles simultaneously bringing you even higher than you thought possible as Loki succumbs to bliss, your name woven into the shameless moan fanning your throat an instant before his leaves your lips as a ragged, breathy scream.

Screaming the name Of a foreigner's God …

Wrapped in Loki’s (now pale) arms, your thought are barely coherent enough to wonder if it’s a good idea to linger. He’s taken care of you gently and sweeter than you thought possible from someone like him.

Who am I kidding…there’s no one like him!

Those are your last thoughts as sleep claims you.

[delightfullygrace]

Connor Murphy

Dear Evan Hansen • ESFP • In the Grip

"An ESFP in a rut will revert to their introverted intuition. This normally happy-go-lucky type will turn their vision to the future and may get lost imagining negative courses of action that could develop. They may become crippled by self-doubt and adopt a cynical viewpoint toward others. This normally warm and enthusiastic type is apt to developing a ‘short fuse’ while operating from their inferior function and may lash out at others – imagining a sinister ‘hidden meaning’ behind everything others say and do."

- Heidi Priebe

Symptoms of the Grip in an ESFP:

• Jumping to conclusions

• Believing the worst in people's intentions

• Emotional outbursts

• Feeling lost within themselves; hopeless; alone

• Sensitive to what others say/do to them

I.E.

Jared: "Hey, Connor. I’m loving the new hair length. Very school shooter chic."

Connor turns and glares at Jared, who is unphased by this. Evan is clearly uncomfortable.

Jared: "Calm down, bud. It was a joke."

Connor: (deadpan) "Yeah no, it was funny. I’m laughing. Can’t you tell? Am I not laughing hard enough for you?"

Jared: (walking away, shaking his head) "God, you’re such a freak."

Connor now turns his attention to Evan who is forced into eye-contact. There is no one else in the hall (that we can see). Evan doesn’t know what to do, so he laughs.

Connor: "What are you laughing at?"

Evan: (freezing up) "What?"

Connor: "Stop f***ing laughing at me!"

Evan: (his palms becoming sweaty) "I’m not."

Connor: "You think I’m a freak?"

Connor steps towards Evan.

Evan: "No, I don’t-"

Connor: "I’m not the freak!"

Connor is in Evan’s face.

Evan: "But I wasn’t-"

Connor: "You’re the f***ing freak!"

Connor shoves Evan into the lockers and storms off.

- Script

Connor: "Is this yours? I found it at the printer. 'Dear Evan Hansen?' That’s your name, right?"

Evan: "Oh, that’s just a stupid, it’s a paper I had to write for an, um...assignment."

Connor: “'Because there’s Zoe.' ...This is about my sister."

Evan: "No, no, no..."

Connor: "You knew I would find this."

Evan: "What?"

Connor: "You saw that I was the only other person in the computer lab, so you wrote this, and you printed it out, so that I would find it."

Evan: "Why/ would I do that?"

Connor: "/So I would read some creepy **** that you wrote about my sister and freak out, right? And then you can tell everyone that I’m crazy, right?"

Evan: "No, wait. I don’t even...what?"

Connor: (furious) "F*** you!"

Connor charges past Evan, leaving him calling after him

- Script

Trying to Escape the Grip:

"To break out of a rut, the ESFP needs to engage their extroverted sensing. They will need a new situation, adventure or group of people to help them remember that they think best on their feet, when directly engaged with the world around them. This type requires a great deal of external stimulation to feel healthy and happy – they are the most themselves when they are constantly engaged with new people and projects."

- Heidi Priebe

I.E.

Connor realizes he has an opportunity to talk to someone and walks over to the printers

Connor: "So, uh, what happened to your arm?"

Evan: "Oh, I um. I fell out of a tree."

Connor: (laughing) "You fell out of a tree?"

Evan nods and Connor sits down next to him. He is holding a paper in his hand.

Connor: (still laughing) "Well, if that isn’t the saddest f***ing thing I’ve ever heard."

Evan: (faking a laugh) "I know."

Connor: (pointing to Evan’s cast) "No one’s signed your cast?"

Evan: "Nope."

Connor: "I will."

Evan: "Oh, you don’t have to…"

Connor: "Ya got a Sharpie?"

Evan reluctantly hands over his sharpie. Connor grabs Evan’s arm roughly, Evan winces. Close-up on Evan’s cast as Connor writes his name in massive letters across it. Evan isn’t too happy about this. He stands up.

Evan: "Oh. Great. Thanks."

Connor: "Now we can both pretend that we have friends."

Evan: "Heh, sure."

- Script

Se-Te Loop:

"An ESFP in an Se-Te loop becomes overly concerned with 'doing' all of the time, unable to let themselves stop to take a break. They become forceful, aggressive, insistent upon taking action whether or not it hurts those around them or fulfills their inner sense of duty. They dismiss their necessary stage of stopping to reflect on whether their choices are in line with their values, instead shutting off this voice and focusing on outward manifestations of logic and planning."

- @infj-mbti

Symptoms of a Loop:

• Aggressive Behavior

• Giving In to Impulses

• Disregarding Others

• Ignoring their Moral-Compass (Fi)

I.E.

"Just because Connor isn’t here, trying to punch through my door, screaming at the top of his lungs that he’s going to kill me for no reason—that doesn’t mean that, all of a sudden, we’re the f***ing Brady Bunch."

-Zoe Murphy

Personal Thoughts:

I think Connor is an ESFP who tried to reach out to others, but when no one reached back, just sunk deeper into the grip. I think for awhile growing up (prior to the events in the play), he might've been in a loop.

From Cynthia, we learn that he got clothes to go Bar Mitzvahs (but was never invited to any). I'm sure that the idea of going was exciting to him and he enjoyed looking for an outfit, even if he played it off. From his mom's positive testimony of him in Requiem and throughout the rest of the play, I feel like he did have a connection with her. I don't think that her view of him is only there because she's his mom - I think they genuinely had an understanding, even if they got frustrated with each other sometimes. He probably just put up walls with her - walls that she patiently waited for him to take down, but never did.

Larry "gave him the world," but he gave his own world, not a world that Connor wanted. He didn't meet his son where he was. I'm sure he wanted to hang out with his dad and connect with him, but maybe he wasn't into baseball (or skiing or whatever else his dad pushed him to do). Larry decided, even when Connor was still there, that he wasn't worth investing in because he wouldn't listen anyways. The connection was dead because his dad didn't seek to break down his walls. He saw them and assumed that's all there was.

Zoe saw him as a villain, and for good reason. From what we learn of his time with her, he treated her terribly. He pushed her away. He threatened her. He scared her. Of course she didn't seek him out, why would she? She was forced to protect herself from the monster beating on her door every night. How could she break down his walls when she was building up her own?

Jared joked about him looking like a school shooter and called him a freak, and probably never considered actually trying to befriend him.

Evan was terrified of him. *Though, I would like to point out that Connor probably never got to sign someone's cast before - Evan was probably the first. They could've had a genuine connection after that had Connor listened to Evan explain the letter rather than jumping to conclusions and storming off.

The script says, "Some people [in the school halllway] point at him and snicker. Unlike Evan, Connor makes deliberate eye-contact with these students, making them uncomfortable."

He was hurt. He was alone. He could seek out new experiences and new people all he wanted, but if no one else was receptive, then he would never be satisfied. He wanted a connection with someone, anyone, to pull him out of the grip, but at the end of the day, he felt completely isolated.

But he wasn't, and you're not. If you're feeling stuck or isolated, anxious or depressed, please let a friend/family member know or check out this link and call one of the numbers. Seriously. You were created for a purpose. Your existence matters. You matter, just as you are. Please don't forget that, and get yourself the help that you need!!

Also, even if you don't have clinical depression, you should still reach out to those around you. Sometimes, we all need someone. Don't justify not getting yourself the help you need just because others have it worse. My brother does that all the time. It's not selfish to need support. Reach out. It's okay.

Additionally:

By the time we come to meet Connor, he is so deep in this rut that in order to have a relationship with anyone, he would need someone to seek him out fiercely and intentionally - to toss a rope into the hole Connor was in and pull him out. He needed a friend who would call him out and tell him he needed to calm down, but also someone who would support and encourage him. More than anything, he just needed someone who was willing to try and wasn't going to give up on him.

If you see someone who needs that too, please, be that person for them. Even if you have problems of your own - it doesn't matter. Two horses can pull 3 times the amount than one can alone. You can bear each others' burdens and walk together. It makes it a lot easier. It'll be difficult to step out of your comfort zone and reach out to someone else, but I promise you, it's the most worthwhile experience in the world.

[evenstevensranked]

#40: Season 2, Episode 7 - “Thin Ice”

Ren is locked in for two events on the same night — Dinner with their new neighbors The Minkler’s and an ice skating date with Bobby Deaver. Oh, no! We’re also introduced to Nelson and his hypochondria. Meanwhile, Louis and Twitty discover prank calling and fail miserably at it. It’s fantastic. 

This one opens with Ren’s bedroom phone ringing as she frantically runs to answer it. Ya know, that purple see-through plastic Y2K phone that every teen girl on TV had? Dang. I wanted one so badly. It’s Ruby calling to let her know that Bobby Deaver is going to be calling soon. Her “sources never lie.” That’s a little creepy. It’s like she’s in the gossip mob or something. Fo’ real, Ruby needs a new hobby. Just then, Ren gets a call waiting. She answers and an extremely deep voice that sounds nothing like the guy Ren is so obsessed with says “Hey, it’s Bobby” and she falls for it. That was easy. Too bad it’s just Twitty and Louis calling from across the hall. They’re giggling like idiots because they’re 13 year old boys and telling someone “I just thought you should know I’m not wearing any socks” is hilarious apparently. It doesn’t take long for Ren to catch on when “Bobby” starts referring to himself as the “hot little cuddle muffin” she loves so much. Too far, guys. Too far. She decides to play along for a minute which is pretty funny. She says that she’s actually in love with Twitty -- not Bobby -- before busting into Louis’ room. She threatens them while simultaneously blasting them with a water gun. Twitty is all “Dude, your sister loves me.” Completely missing the sarcasm. 

....that moment u know u f’d up.

At school the next day, Ren’s at her locker when suddenly this strange kid appears and calls her “Boo Boo.” It’s Nelson Minkler. We find out that they used to be neighbors when they were toddlers and now the Minklers have moved back to Sacramento. This episode marks what should’ve been his actual first appearance. The episodes were obviously aired out of production order because Nelson is randomly in the Season 2 premiere with no explanation of who the heck he is — and then 6 episodes later we get this one.. which is clearly his proper introduction. Why does Disney Channel do this?! Their worst offense was with Lizzie McGuire. The airing schedule was so jumbled that the freaking SERIES FINALE aired 8 MONTHS before the show stopped airing new episodes. Like, what the hell???

Anywaaay, they’re locker neighbors now and we find out right away that Nelson is a hypochondriac when he opens his locker and a zillion health care items come pouring out of it. Anti-ointments, a freaking snake bite kit, knee pads… yeah. Ren clearly doesn’t want to deal with any of that. She quickly runs away from him and he shouts “BYE BYE, BOO BOO! If you ever need any anti-fungals just knock on my door!” Wow, buddy. I feel Ren’s pain here. 

We see that Louis and Twitty have become obsessed with prank calling. They’re even doing it during school hours now. They’re at Louis’ locker prank calling Wexler telling him he won a free fish or something stupid. Louis is trying to put on some “older” sounding voice, but I would 100% recognize it as him. The face he makes to achieve this voice is gold though:

Just then, Tawny shows up and catches them in the act and she is honestly me:

I’d have no patience for this. 

At lunch, Bobby Deaver was genuinely about to sit down and have lunch with Ren and Ruby… but, Nelson shows up all “HEY, BOO BOO!” and ruins everything. As usual. No wonder this character was only around for a few episodes in Season 2 before disappearing from the face of the earth. He serves no other purpose than for Ren to have a male friend and to mess things up for her constantly. Annoying. Still better than Beans, though. 

He starts coughing and asks Ren to check his tonsils for inflammation. He claims “Just last month I had puss balls the size of acorns!” This kid seriously must’ve lived under a rock his entire life. Any remotely civilized human knows this sort of behavior is weird. He makes the most obnoxious “AHHHHH!” sounds just sitting there with his mouth wide open forcing Ren to look. Ren once again wants nothing to do with this and makes up some excuse to get away. Same. Ruby and Nelson are awkwardly left alone… so Ruby breaks the silence by saying “I’ll look at your puss balls” in that New York accent of hers and I swear to god. The innuendos in Season 2 are next level.

Louis and Twitty decide to prank call Tawny’s family and we get to see her house for the first time in the series! Add this to the list of sets with on-point characterization. It’s very yuppie and warm… with lots of house plants. Not to mention, she’s doing yoga when the phone rings. This makes so much sense to me. 

Louis claims to be Lance Larsen calling from QPop radio with a $1,000,000 trivia challenge. Again, Louis’ voice is so painfully obvious. Tawny gets her dad to answer the winning question, which is to name the “Top 5 most popular lunch meats” — If this was a legit question, Dr. Dean’s answers would most definitely be incorrect. He lists liverwurst and olive loaf but not turkey or roast beef. I told you they’re yuppies. It doesn’t matter though… they become “millionaires” anyway of course. 

“DADDY, WE’RE MILLIONAIRES!!!” 

To Ren’s dismay, Steve and Eileen tell her that they’ve planned a dinner date with the Minkler’s Friday night to welcome them back to the neighborhood. Ren gets another phone call that night that starts off with “Hi, Ren! It’s Bobby.” Bet ya can’t guess what happens next…

Ren assumes it’s Louis and Twitty pranking her again so she plays it up saying “So, this is Bobby Deaver. The hot little cuddle muffin who I love sooo much.” Dude on the other end is all.. “Um.. I guess?” Yeah. It’s actually Bobby this time. Oops. It’s pretty hilarious because she yells “Listen you little twerpazoid, I told you if you ever called me again you’d be sipping your food through a feeding tube!!!” and Bobby’s like “Ren, is this a bad time?” HAHA. Ren has a mental breakdown once she realizes. She quickly apologizes and explains that Louis just discovered prank calling. (“It’s okay I have a little brother too. He’s in 3rd grade.” / “Yeah, well mine just acts like it.” - True.) Ren collapses on her bed and the incredibly cheesy, romantic piano stock music they always use for Ren/Bobby stuff starts playing. Bobby invites her to go to an ice skating party with him on Friday night. This is one of the reasons why I ranked this episode #40. It cuts to Ren’s ridiculous daydream of how she envisions the party. The music swells and it fades to footage of Ren and Bobby dramatically ice skating like freaking professionals competing at the Olympics in an empty, moody-lit rink. It’s absolutely hysterical to me. 

Obviously, she accepts the invitation but — wait! Friday night?! That’s dinner with the Minkler’s! Whatever will she do?! Not even gonna lie. I’m a sucker for this potential “two places at one time” cliché TV trope. Regardless, she still promises Bobby that she’ll be there “...no matter what.” A little melodramatic but, ok. She tells Ruby about the situation the next day and is totally in a bind over what to do. Ruby suggests that she fakes sick to skip out on the dinner and sneak out to the party. This entire episode is giving me flashbacks to Free Skate at the local ice rink every Friday back in middle school and the drama that would always ensue. Especially “relationship” drama. And crush drama. Oh, wow. 

Tawny excitedly runs up to Louis and Twitty in the hall telling them “My dad and I won a MILLION DOLLARS on the radio!” “Ya don’t say?” Louis responds. Which is great. She tells them they’re moving to Paris immediately. Yeah, now Louis and Twitty ain’t laughing. Tawny’s dad picks her up in a limo and everything, and Louis and Twitty are left to break the news to them that they didn’t actually win a million dollars. This is another reason why I ranked this episode higher. I think this is hilarious. Tawny and her dad break down in tears, as do Louis and Twitty. Louis vows “I’m never making prank phone calls again. I’M A BAD BAD BOYYYY!” when suddenly Tawny and Dr. Dean start dying of laughter. Turns out they planned the whole thing to teach them a lesson. Brilliant. 

Tawny tells them, “We knew it was you two the whole time. We have caller ID.” SERIOUSLY, LOUIS?! The first rule of prank calling is to dial *67 first! Amateur. Just imagine that. Tawny picking up the phone seeing “Stevens” or whatever on the caller ID and just going along with Louis’ terrible fake DJ voice, oh my god. She really is perfect for him. Tawny and her dad offer them a ride home in the limo (which is a rental) but speed off without them.

Ren goes through with lying and fakes sick to get out of the dinner. She goes gallivanting off to the skating party and bumps into… Nelson??? Yep. He faked sick, too. Nelson tells her that his feelings were hurt when she refused to give him a simple throat examination. To which Ren responds “Well, people don’t generally ask me to look at their puss balls.” THERE IT IS AGAIN.

For whatever reason, Louis and Tawny are at the party as well. (She asks him where Twitty is and… “He sprained his ankle chasing after the limo.” “You know, I really thought you guys would give up once we hit the freeway.” - Why is this so funny?!) Louis thanks her for teaching him a valuable lesson about the dangers of prank calling. “Gotta grow up sometime,” he says. She’s super impressed and they’re adorable. They skate together and hold hands, which is precious… and it would’ve been even more precious if it was actually Louis’ hand she was holding. But, alas… Louis skates off leaving Tawny holding a fake hand. I’m dying. Louis Stevens — What a legend. It really is so cute seeing them together like this, though.

THEY’RE SO FREAKIN CUTE!!! I’M DYIN

Tawny throws the fake hand, and ends up hitting Nelson in the head. Ren decides to help Nelson instead of doing the couple-skate with Bobby. Wow. I guess that’s nice of her, though. In the end, Ren and Nelson make up and he lists, like.. every single thing he’s allergic to as the episode fades out.

It’s not over though! The bit where they come back for one more minute after the last commercial break is the real reason why I ranked this one #40. Normally, these “last minute” bits are pointless and generally not very funny. But, this one. OH MAN! The first time I watched this I was literally in tears for 10 minutes -- I couldn’t breathe. This time, Louis dreams of him and Tawny skating like Ren dreamed about her and Bobby. Everything’s romantic… until taWNY’S LEG BREAKS OFF AND THE HAPPY MUSIC DRAMATICALLY CHANGES TO MINOR AND WE GET THE CLASSIC LOUIS SCREAM. It’s so freaking random and unexpected and so great.

And there you have it, #40! This is actually one of my personal favorites. I think it’s pretty solid in the humor department. I love the Louis/Tawny stuff. The prank calling bits are great. The Ren/Bobby stuff is finally more funny and entertaining here than cringy. And yeah. I just like this one a lot. 

I also totally didn’t even realize I missed a weekend. THE DAYS HAVE BEEN GOING BY SO FAST!!!! What the heck. Also, we’re now officially moving into the #30s!

Thank you for reading!

Twitter | Facebook | Instagram 

[izzpeng]

Unsent Emails

25/08/2016

To: julian.smith@jus.edu.bn

Subject: Surprise bitch, I'm back!

Dear Smithy,

First of all I would like to say, fuck you for telling me I wouldn't get an A* in maths just because I messed around in class too much. Second of all, I would like to thank you for being a fraction of motivation in my math studies. I have to admit, I liked you enough to study 10% harder than I usually do and for that you deserve a blog post dedicated to you, just kidding you worthless piece of shit who wont even dedicate your thoughts to me. But it's too late now, so you're very fortunate for even being mentioned in my oh so popular blog.

Thanks for being a great teacher/supporter/motivator/useless advisor/racist bastard/...friend. See you in the afterlife you dick.

With cold fury,

Izzati Azhan

To: roland.lopez@jis.edu.bn

Subject: God Bless the Lopez

Dear Lopezo Mighty,

You don't deserve a 'fuck you' because you knew my potential and only encouraged me day after day, with your sadistic humour and the quiet blazing fire dancing in your eyes which was the only sign that you're actually human. I'd express my gratitude in a 10,000 word essay but I'm sure you'll just read the introduction and conclusion and base my grade off those two paragraphs. But without your life coaching I would not have gotten A*A* for both my Eng Lit and Lang. Dare I say it, thank you for setting us a Date Wiv Des Tinny, those practice papers were torture each week but well worth it in the end. You are my spirit animal in all dimensions, maybe except in Hell where you'd be Satan but...

Stay Healthy Senôr!

With all my love (though you believe it is just another concept of convenience),

Izzati Azhan

To: beenal.roberts@jus.edu.bn

Subject: bust out the roti, girl its about to get some of this izzatikkamasala

Dear Beenal the Brindian,

I know I know, this time its a fuck me for getting an A and not an A* but Miss I was 3 marks of an A* if that makes you feel any better, it does with me! I actually don't feel that thankful towards you since I do feel I did hm... mostly all the work, I took the exam after all. But an email of gratitude to show manners and my kissing ass abilities can't hurt can it? So terima kasih for all the lessons you spent dramatically telling us your stories, sometimes even twice of the same one, thanks for letting me doodle in class just because you talk a lot of the time and therefore I am allowed to half listen. I wouldn't be the indian food loving person I am today without you, oh and almost forgot... of course thanks for helping me achieve that almost A*! Fuck the examiner for me next time will ya.

With all my beloved assets,

Izzati Azhan

To: andy.mcculloch@jus.edu.bn

Subject: smile at me wit ur eyes, nat yo mouth only

Dear Turquoise Eyes,

I'd like to get to know the 16 yr old you but my chance has passed. Inappropriate flirting aside, guess what sir! I got exactly what I got in the most recent geo mocks 149/180 and I thought the mocks weren't an accurate indication. I'd like to thank you for having beautiful eyes and smiling at me even though on the inside you be like "lol fucktard thats the most incorrect answer ever, like not even close." I enjoyed your classes and you're sometimes funny but not on purpose, more like weird funny yknow? I think you'd like to get credit for my success but honestly i learnt how to answer case studies properly through Ajmal through Mr Cook, so who is really my teacher here? Me. Because I taught myself to sought answers and techniques elsewhere but sure I guess you can have some credit, those eyes deserve at least a generous 5%. lol ok bye tq

With a 9 on the Ritcher Scale,

Izzati Azhan,

You guessed it, the wait is over! #gcseresults2016 was trending on twitter and the sounds of 16yr olds packing their bags, getting ready to get disowned by their parents was the most honest and lit af song this year (after Frank Ocean's Blond of course). I admit its always nerve-wracking receiving results, where a single exam determines your ability to understand (or memorise) a two year course. But I had faith that with my prayers and hard work Allah gave me the results I truly deserved, so presumably my anxiety was on the down low while my trust in God was at sky high.

Alhamdulillah I got 3A's 6A*, I was so confident I would smash an A* with Business and Art but alas the grade boundaries proved me otherwise. With three fucking marks off an A* in Business I was so irritated at which examiner marked my paper, not irritated to risk a request for a remarking though. And Art, I hoped for an A*  but instead faced it's less prestigious sibling, an A. I asked around of course, not trying to compare or anything but I just needed to know what the students who I thought was for sure going to get A* actually got, to my delightful (?) surprise they too got an A which led me to believe that scoring an A* in Art is no easy business. Business isn't easy either lmao.

To this, I must admit defeat to my mother. She's been on my back for my choice of Art as an A-level subject saying its hard to score high in Art, but my cocky ass just waved it away and dismissed it altogether. Doubt has risen up in my throat, threatening my artistic capabilities to spill out across the walls of abandoned buildings as grafitti instead of street art. So thats something to think about before Saturday Morning.

UPDATE:

I attended Enrollment day alone, my heart beating, my eyes watering and my mind wandering. I chose to do IB diploma, for many reasons. I am just so drawn to how different it is, I think of all the future local Bruneians who did A-levels asking for the sam scholarship then I imagine the MoE going through the applications like "Great a-levels, a-levels, a-levels Oooo IB whats this?" and I just feel like I would have a standing chance you know? It would also help me to mix around with more international students and prepare for the university life so when I do go to university Insyallah I wont feel vulnerable and small.

But I just feel like my mother is against me taking IB, like she's trying to be supportive by giving a tight smile and grim nods but inside I know she's not convinced and this all happened on the way to the Arts Centre which made me even feel more queasy. My Father on the other hand, gave me a genuine "Go for it" which helped me so much on every level, I just need the motivation, just that little push to help me get going, feed me a trickle more of confidence.

So I had a choice to approach either Duckling or Dickinson on my IB subjects, and okay Dickinson was full okay there was a long queue and I ended up going to Duckling because I really had no choice! hehehhehhehehhe. Anyway I waved the papers in my hand high above to indicate that I was next and he laughed and told me to come and sit, so naturally I did. He took a look at my grades and praised me and then circled my subjects that I intend on studying, giving me advice that I should only need Math Studies seeing as how I'm not thinking of a mathematical kind of career. He then said " blablablabla Youre subjects are a smart choice, I think you're good to go, Welcome to the IB program"

And that was the clarity I was searching for, that little- push.

NOT JUST BCS HE'S HIM BUT BCS I NEEDED TO HEAR IT.

Just before that, Brindian approached me asking me  about my business results and encouraging me to take that remark because I was three marks off an A* saying that theres no reason I dont deserve the A*. I was uncertain because sure it makes me feel so fucking good about myself and so very satisfied, but who really needs an A* in GCSE Business to get accepted into a University? So I made a face. The face. and She went "What do you have to lose?" And of course one thing instantly came to mind "Um money?" then she gave me a look. The look. So I said I'll think about it and apparently only 1 or 2 students got A*. The thing is I actually would get it remarked if my Art grade also got bumped up to an A* but I have no idea what Ms Stroud is trying to do by contacting the exam board?

So thats that, she asked me about my ever so popular brother. So I told him oh he did well, she asked about which university and I replied Leicester and I told her that Im actually going off and missing 3 weeks of school. Then she went "oh you know Leicester's my hometown, in what area is he living because Im there in December" and i was like wtf creepy. And she continued saying "Oh Imagine if we just bumped into each other on the streets" and I was going to say something awkward because like what the fuck right? But Mr Duckling was open and ultimately saved me and she gestured me to go ahead.

After that, Mr mcluck approached me well not really, well kind of but it was super fucking awkward because I was waiting for my turn with Mrs Krüger and he was on the table nearby and made eye contact and he smiled and I returned it and i was like fuck am i suppose to go over lmao so i slowly sat down while he came over to me. YAKNOW gotta play hard to get. SO again he asked me are you happy with you results blablablabla were you nervous getting your results so I told him that I wasnt as nervous because other people were like "oh my life is over" and he laughed and blablablabla just mostly nodding and smiling. Then he asked me about my brother's results hi ok 2nd teacher to ask about my brother cool. I gave him a vague oh he did well and told him Leicester University on 18th September and I added that I was actually going to send him off and missing 3 weeks of school. Blablbalbalbalabl then he finally asked about IB saying that oh great choice.

And Wendy told me that at the YC Mcluck was talking about me to wendy asking me what I got and he saying that i Was exceptional kekekekkekekekk fuck man his eyes are so blue, dont think about it dont think about. Did i tell you I had a dream of him as Ben Affleck like wtf, first of all why would I even dream about him, maybe it was because I crossed his mind like just the night before omg. but whatever. Idk that made me feel so good about myself. Then Brindian thought that Fatin was Hana and approached Fatin and Wendy haahhahahahah and somehow started talking about me?? Like boi they both love me so much, I wonder if Lopez or Julibear bear talks about me like that. Sigh imagine

Smithy: Shes a fucking pain in the ass

Lupez: Intelligent fucking pain alright

Smithy and Lupez: But she's our pain in the ass.

OMGGGGGGGGG I loved all my GCSE teachers and classes! like those were the best days of my JIS experience so far. Art was super chill, she let us sing out loud together saying that we were the only class who did that and that she'll miss us :(((((((( Smithy couldnt care less, he just moved on click like that. Anyway, hope everyone got what they expected with their results or better and just remember kids, grades DO define who are and where you'll be in life. lol goodluck fam.

Izzati

[adambstingus]

5 True Stories That Put Every Horror Movie To Shame

Show a group of people a randomly picked news article, and three personality types will emerge. Some ask themselves: “How does this affect me?” Others query: “What can I learn from this?” And then there’s a third group, which rarely wears pants and only wants to know: “What kind of horror movie would this be?” I’m firmly in that last group, and judging by how you clicked on this article, I’m guessing that so are you. So come — let’s grab a bunch of truly creepy news stories and give those stupid, rational types a sample of what the inside of our collective head looks like.

5

Boats Full Of Corpses Keep Washing Up In Japan

There are many horror plots you’d associate with Japan: creepy ghost girls, giant monsters, the lingering farts of long-gone otakus still haunting their apartment complexes. You wouldn’t necessarily include the classic “ghost ship” story in that list … which is why Japan, being Japan, has taken that trope and cranked it up to 11.

Instead of the traditional version where a ship is found with its crew mysteriously missing (and may or may not make its finders disappear as well, thanks to the vengeful sea ghosts haunting it), the country has opted for a real-life version where mysterious boats full of decomposing and mutilated corpses keep washing up on the country’s shores. That’s insane. Even the most visceral of ghost ship-themed horror movies tend to start with an empty ship, singular. Here, we have a whole bunch, turning up with some alarming regularity, and complete with a ton of well-worn corpses to bring some extra gore to the tale. Is … is this going to be a zombie situation somewhere down the line? Is this how the whole “undead pirate” thing from Pirates Of The Caribbean would really play out?

In the interest of accurate reporting, it should be mentioned that one of the boats has been connected to a unit of North Korea’s army, along with Kim Jong-un’s apparent insistence on fishing as a source of food and foreign income. So the leading boring theory is that these are North Korean ships, risking literal life and limb in order to catch a mackerel or six for the Great Leader.

Wait, hold on. That’s … actually even more terrifying than a dark saltwater god stealing fishermen’s faces or whatever. Imagine that your entire lot in life is sailing notoriously stormy and awful seas in a barely equipped vessel, only for your crew to face the unspeakable horrors of the ocean. Maybe things get so bad that you end up with a Donner Party situation. Finally, after the inevitable gory climax, you wash up in a foreign land, where your badly decomposed mortal remains are collected and cremated by stoic Japanese coast guards who have at this point seen way too much of this shit to give a damn.

Around Act Two of that story, having your soul eaten by a horde of ravenous ocean witches would probably be a welcome respite.

4

A Company Had A Secret Nuclear Reactor For Decades

Let’s say you’re a resident of Rochester, New York. You’re just minding your own business, pretending your city has famous people who are not Ryan Lochte and Kristen Wiig, when one day, your neighborhood is full of dudes in hazmat suits. Because a company next door had a goddamned secret nuclear reactor in their basement. But what kind of real-life Umbrella Corporation would go and pull a stunt like that … ?

… K-Kodak? The photography company?

What the fuck?

shurik/Pixabay Who knew a Kodak moment has a half-life of 24,110 years?

It’s hard for a corporate entity to seem sympathetic, but Kodak — a company most notorious for manufacturing film — is probably as close as it comes in an era where everyone has a camera in their cell phone. Finding out a firm like that has been gleefully playing with Fallout tech all along is like discovering that your sweet grandpa’s house has a secret dungeon for a 16-foot fuck doll constructed entirely out of rotting ham. Still, Kodak totally had a nuclear reactor. It was called “californium neutron flux multiplier,” and they started messing around with it in 1974. The company is quick to mention that the reactor was just a relatively small one, they were operating it remotely behind two feet of concrete, and they only used it for non-nefarious purposes such as testing chemicals for impurities. They might even point out that they themselves were, in fact, the ones who revealed that they had one in the first place.

To all that I say: Poppycock.

You know what kind of company just abruptly up and goes, “Hey, guys, did we ever tell you the story of this doom machine we’ve had in our basement for decades? We didn’t? Well, how about that, ha-ha!”? One that’s doing damage control, that’s what. I can imagine around least a dozen reasons for Kodak needing an unsanctioned, rarely mentioned nuclear reactor that was suddenly decommissioned in collaboration with the government in 2007. None of those reasons include the words “making photography shit better,” and absolutely all of them include the term “super mutant.”

I’m calling it: They were totally running a nuclear-themed supervillain plot on the side, and something happened in 2007. Maybe their scientists finally managed to create a film that could capture future events, and were driven to homicidal insanity when every image persistently featured forests of flaming skeletons where trees should be. Or maybe, just maybe, they finally managed to recreate my favorite Masters Of The Universe failure Fearless Photog, who proceeded to tear through the facility like the Demogorgon in Stranger Things.

Mattel If nothing else, he’d take found-footage movies to another level.

3

Family Flees Their Dream House Because Of A Mysterious “Watcher”

The “mysterious stalker in the shadows” trope is present in roughly 95 percent of all horror movies, but in real life, that particular plot device can usually be solved with a call to police, a restraining order, or a swift dropkick right in the dick.

Which makes it all the more intriguing that in 2015, a creepy entity known as “The Watcher” actually managed to stalk a family out of their New Jersey home. And wait, it gets better — said home happened to look like this:

There’s a reason our villain was called the Watcher and not, say, the Melon Baller Eyeball Collector — as befits the majesty of his preferred stalking grounds, he was all about psychological terror. The name of his particular game was threatening letters. And although that could technically put him in a “disgruntled dude who lost the bidding war” or “guy who really hates neighbors” category, he pushed his way into horror movie territory with his … peculiar methods. Here are some choice quotes from his messages:

“The windows and doors allow me to watch you and track you as you move through the house. Who I am? I am the Watcher.”

“Have they found out what is in the walls yet? In time they will.”

Or, in reference to the family’s children:

“I am pleased to know your names now, and the name of the young blood you have brought to me.”

Hahahahaha! That’s awesome … ly, uh, awful for the family, that is. The letters kept coming, and as they included apt “young blood” references and hints that the writer actually did keep uncomfortably close tabs on the house and its renovations, the family was too afraid to make the house their home. In fact, they never dared to properly move in.

What really makes this one for me is that as a horror movie, it’s clearly a sequel. Not only does the family heavily insinuate that the previous owners who sold the house to them were already all too aware of The Watcher, the Watcher himself started his campaign of terror (a mere three days after they bought the house in 2014) with a statement that his grandfather and father had watched the house before him, and it now fell on him to “wait for its second coming.”

A real creepy, haunted-looking mansion where every owner is stalked by generations of unknown, hostile entities? Say that sentence out loud three times, and Wes Craven’s ghost will appear to high five you, because you just got yourself a horror franchise.

2

A Family Finds The Walls Of Their House Are Filled With Animal Carcasses

The Watcher may or may not have been hurling empty threats about “things in the walls,” but in Auburn, MA, one villain damn well delivered … a good 70-80 years in advance.

In 2011, the Bretzius family bought a house. They were thorough in what they were looking for. They had it inspected, looked for radon, the whole nine yards. Everything went well, and they moved in … which is when the dead animals started coming out of the walls.

In 2012, the family discovered to their horror that the walls were full of dead animals, spices, and assorted trinkets, all wrapped up in newspapers from 1930s and 1940s. Intrigued by the what-the-fuckedness of it all, they sent dozens of the carcasses and other finds to experts, who concluded that they likely had something to do with pow-wowing, a peculiar form of Amish folk magic where tricks like this were used to “heal” ailments.

Personally, I call bullshit. It’s one thing to perform a little ceremony for health, like sacrificing a goat whenever you pass through a doorway for the first time (you guys do that too, right?). Stuffing all your walls full of death and spices is the work of a serial killer who wants to show the devil who the boss really is. With that logic, and in the context of Pennsylvania Dutch magic being at play here, I’m forced to assume that the house is haunted by buckriders — demons who ride flying goats from Satan’s flock. Have those guys ever featured in a horror movie? They’re about to!

Still, before the spirits of Bokkenrijders inevitably rise and possess them, the residents of the house are a good example of how haunted houses really screw up a person’s life. Although they are on record for having been adequately “shocked, horrified, and disgusted” when they first found the terror-spell ingredients hiding in their walls, they are more concerned with the fact that this has forced them to do a buttload of expensive renovation their insurance company wants to hear nothing about, and the mold and terrifying smell of the animals has tainted the whole house. That, friend, is the true, mundane yet long-term, horror you’ll face the next time your ceiling starts weeping ectoplasm.

1

Man Arrested For Smuggling Roasted Black-Magic Fetuses

Wait, what?

I’m … That’s … What?

The Telegraph SIX?

Gold leaf. Jesus.

Look, creepy babies are generally a pretty safe course for any horror movie worth its salt. But it’s one thing to go full Rosemary’s Baby, and completely another to roast fetuses, cover them in gold, and waltz off to the airport with a bunch in your luggage while attempting to whistle innocuously. That’s not the plot of a horror movie — that’s what gets you kicked out of the villain treehouse for creeping out Pennywise The Clown. Even the fact that the guy probably didn’t personally make the horror babies like a good, old-fashioned maniac doesn’t help matters; instead, he bought them from someone else for $6,000 and intended to sell them for profit as black-magic good-luck charms known as kuman thong.

Gilded. Roasted. Fetus. Black. Magic. Good luck charms. That someone out there is actively manufacturing for sale.

You know what? Fuck it. I’m out. I hope you’re proud of yourself, fetus guy. You can’t be spun into a horror movie, because you already are something way, way creepier. In other circumstances, I might say that you won, but I think we can agree that we all lost something precious today. Now, who’s hogging the brain bleach?

Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked columnist and freelance editor. Here he is on Facebook and Twitter.

The proliferation of beer pong and craft beer may have you think that we’re living in one of the peak times to get drunk, but humans have been getting famously hammered for millennia. Like a frat house’s lawn after a kegger, history is littered with world changing events that were secretly powered by booze. The inaugural games of the Roman Coliseum, the drafting of the US Constitution and the Russian Revolution were all capped off by major parties that most attendees probably regretted in the morning.

Join Jack O’Brien and Cracked staffers Carmen Angelica, Alex Schmidt, Michael Swaim, plus comedian Blake Wexler for a retelling of history’s biggest moments you didn’t realize everyone was drunk for.

Get your tickets here:

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/06/23/5-true-stories-that-put-every-horror-movie-to-shame/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/162144044077

[samanthasroberts]

5 True Stories That Put Every Horror Movie To Shame

Show a group of people a randomly picked news article, and three personality types will emerge. Some ask themselves: “How does this affect me?” Others query: “What can I learn from this?” And then there’s a third group, which rarely wears pants and only wants to know: “What kind of horror movie would this be?” I’m firmly in that last group, and judging by how you clicked on this article, I’m guessing that so are you. So come — let’s grab a bunch of truly creepy news stories and give those stupid, rational types a sample of what the inside of our collective head looks like.

5

Boats Full Of Corpses Keep Washing Up In Japan

There are many horror plots you’d associate with Japan: creepy ghost girls, giant monsters, the lingering farts of long-gone otakus still haunting their apartment complexes. You wouldn’t necessarily include the classic “ghost ship” story in that list … which is why Japan, being Japan, has taken that trope and cranked it up to 11.

Instead of the traditional version where a ship is found with its crew mysteriously missing (and may or may not make its finders disappear as well, thanks to the vengeful sea ghosts haunting it), the country has opted for a real-life version where mysterious boats full of decomposing and mutilated corpses keep washing up on the country’s shores. That’s insane. Even the most visceral of ghost ship-themed horror movies tend to start with an empty ship, singular. Here, we have a whole bunch, turning up with some alarming regularity, and complete with a ton of well-worn corpses to bring some extra gore to the tale. Is … is this going to be a zombie situation somewhere down the line? Is this how the whole “undead pirate” thing from Pirates Of The Caribbean would really play out?

In the interest of accurate reporting, it should be mentioned that one of the boats has been connected to a unit of North Korea’s army, along with Kim Jong-un’s apparent insistence on fishing as a source of food and foreign income. So the leading boring theory is that these are North Korean ships, risking literal life and limb in order to catch a mackerel or six for the Great Leader.

Wait, hold on. That’s … actually even more terrifying than a dark saltwater god stealing fishermen’s faces or whatever. Imagine that your entire lot in life is sailing notoriously stormy and awful seas in a barely equipped vessel, only for your crew to face the unspeakable horrors of the ocean. Maybe things get so bad that you end up with a Donner Party situation. Finally, after the inevitable gory climax, you wash up in a foreign land, where your badly decomposed mortal remains are collected and cremated by stoic Japanese coast guards who have at this point seen way too much of this shit to give a damn.

Around Act Two of that story, having your soul eaten by a horde of ravenous ocean witches would probably be a welcome respite.

4

A Company Had A Secret Nuclear Reactor For Decades

Let’s say you’re a resident of Rochester, New York. You’re just minding your own business, pretending your city has famous people who are not Ryan Lochte and Kristen Wiig, when one day, your neighborhood is full of dudes in hazmat suits. Because a company next door had a goddamned secret nuclear reactor in their basement. But what kind of real-life Umbrella Corporation would go and pull a stunt like that … ?

… K-Kodak? The photography company?

What the fuck?

shurik/Pixabay Who knew a Kodak moment has a half-life of 24,110 years?

It’s hard for a corporate entity to seem sympathetic, but Kodak — a company most notorious for manufacturing film — is probably as close as it comes in an era where everyone has a camera in their cell phone. Finding out a firm like that has been gleefully playing with Fallout tech all along is like discovering that your sweet grandpa’s house has a secret dungeon for a 16-foot fuck doll constructed entirely out of rotting ham. Still, Kodak totally had a nuclear reactor. It was called “californium neutron flux multiplier,” and they started messing around with it in 1974. The company is quick to mention that the reactor was just a relatively small one, they were operating it remotely behind two feet of concrete, and they only used it for non-nefarious purposes such as testing chemicals for impurities. They might even point out that they themselves were, in fact, the ones who revealed that they had one in the first place.

To all that I say: Poppycock.

You know what kind of company just abruptly up and goes, “Hey, guys, did we ever tell you the story of this doom machine we’ve had in our basement for decades? We didn’t? Well, how about that, ha-ha!”? One that’s doing damage control, that’s what. I can imagine around least a dozen reasons for Kodak needing an unsanctioned, rarely mentioned nuclear reactor that was suddenly decommissioned in collaboration with the government in 2007. None of those reasons include the words “making photography shit better,” and absolutely all of them include the term “super mutant.”

I’m calling it: They were totally running a nuclear-themed supervillain plot on the side, and something happened in 2007. Maybe their scientists finally managed to create a film that could capture future events, and were driven to homicidal insanity when every image persistently featured forests of flaming skeletons where trees should be. Or maybe, just maybe, they finally managed to recreate my favorite Masters Of The Universe failure Fearless Photog, who proceeded to tear through the facility like the Demogorgon in Stranger Things.

Mattel If nothing else, he’d take found-footage movies to another level.

3

Family Flees Their Dream House Because Of A Mysterious “Watcher”

The “mysterious stalker in the shadows” trope is present in roughly 95 percent of all horror movies, but in real life, that particular plot device can usually be solved with a call to police, a restraining order, or a swift dropkick right in the dick.

Which makes it all the more intriguing that in 2015, a creepy entity known as “The Watcher” actually managed to stalk a family out of their New Jersey home. And wait, it gets better — said home happened to look like this:

There’s a reason our villain was called the Watcher and not, say, the Melon Baller Eyeball Collector — as befits the majesty of his preferred stalking grounds, he was all about psychological terror. The name of his particular game was threatening letters. And although that could technically put him in a “disgruntled dude who lost the bidding war” or “guy who really hates neighbors” category, he pushed his way into horror movie territory with his … peculiar methods. Here are some choice quotes from his messages:

“The windows and doors allow me to watch you and track you as you move through the house. Who I am? I am the Watcher.”

“Have they found out what is in the walls yet? In time they will.”

Or, in reference to the family’s children:

“I am pleased to know your names now, and the name of the young blood you have brought to me.”

Hahahahaha! That’s awesome … ly, uh, awful for the family, that is. The letters kept coming, and as they included apt “young blood” references and hints that the writer actually did keep uncomfortably close tabs on the house and its renovations, the family was too afraid to make the house their home. In fact, they never dared to properly move in.

What really makes this one for me is that as a horror movie, it’s clearly a sequel. Not only does the family heavily insinuate that the previous owners who sold the house to them were already all too aware of The Watcher, the Watcher himself started his campaign of terror (a mere three days after they bought the house in 2014) with a statement that his grandfather and father had watched the house before him, and it now fell on him to “wait for its second coming.”

A real creepy, haunted-looking mansion where every owner is stalked by generations of unknown, hostile entities? Say that sentence out loud three times, and Wes Craven’s ghost will appear to high five you, because you just got yourself a horror franchise.

2

A Family Finds The Walls Of Their House Are Filled With Animal Carcasses

The Watcher may or may not have been hurling empty threats about “things in the walls,” but in Auburn, MA, one villain damn well delivered … a good 70-80 years in advance.

In 2011, the Bretzius family bought a house. They were thorough in what they were looking for. They had it inspected, looked for radon, the whole nine yards. Everything went well, and they moved in … which is when the dead animals started coming out of the walls.

In 2012, the family discovered to their horror that the walls were full of dead animals, spices, and assorted trinkets, all wrapped up in newspapers from 1930s and 1940s. Intrigued by the what-the-fuckedness of it all, they sent dozens of the carcasses and other finds to experts, who concluded that they likely had something to do with pow-wowing, a peculiar form of Amish folk magic where tricks like this were used to “heal” ailments.

Personally, I call bullshit. It’s one thing to perform a little ceremony for health, like sacrificing a goat whenever you pass through a doorway for the first time (you guys do that too, right?). Stuffing all your walls full of death and spices is the work of a serial killer who wants to show the devil who the boss really is. With that logic, and in the context of Pennsylvania Dutch magic being at play here, I’m forced to assume that the house is haunted by buckriders — demons who ride flying goats from Satan’s flock. Have those guys ever featured in a horror movie? They’re about to!

Still, before the spirits of Bokkenrijders inevitably rise and possess them, the residents of the house are a good example of how haunted houses really screw up a person’s life. Although they are on record for having been adequately “shocked, horrified, and disgusted” when they first found the terror-spell ingredients hiding in their walls, they are more concerned with the fact that this has forced them to do a buttload of expensive renovation their insurance company wants to hear nothing about, and the mold and terrifying smell of the animals has tainted the whole house. That, friend, is the true, mundane yet long-term, horror you’ll face the next time your ceiling starts weeping ectoplasm.

1

Man Arrested For Smuggling Roasted Black-Magic Fetuses

Wait, what?

I’m … That’s … What?

The Telegraph SIX?

Gold leaf. Jesus.

Look, creepy babies are generally a pretty safe course for any horror movie worth its salt. But it’s one thing to go full Rosemary’s Baby, and completely another to roast fetuses, cover them in gold, and waltz off to the airport with a bunch in your luggage while attempting to whistle innocuously. That’s not the plot of a horror movie — that’s what gets you kicked out of the villain treehouse for creeping out Pennywise The Clown. Even the fact that the guy probably didn’t personally make the horror babies like a good, old-fashioned maniac doesn’t help matters; instead, he bought them from someone else for $6,000 and intended to sell them for profit as black-magic good-luck charms known as kuman thong.

Gilded. Roasted. Fetus. Black. Magic. Good luck charms. That someone out there is actively manufacturing for sale.

You know what? Fuck it. I’m out. I hope you’re proud of yourself, fetus guy. You can’t be spun into a horror movie, because you already are something way, way creepier. In other circumstances, I might say that you won, but I think we can agree that we all lost something precious today. Now, who’s hogging the brain bleach?

Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked columnist and freelance editor. Here he is on Facebook and Twitter.

The proliferation of beer pong and craft beer may have you think that we’re living in one of the peak times to get drunk, but humans have been getting famously hammered for millennia. Like a frat house’s lawn after a kegger, history is littered with world changing events that were secretly powered by booze. The inaugural games of the Roman Coliseum, the drafting of the US Constitution and the Russian Revolution were all capped off by major parties that most attendees probably regretted in the morning.

Join Jack O’Brien and Cracked staffers Carmen Angelica, Alex Schmidt, Michael Swaim, plus comedian Blake Wexler for a retelling of history’s biggest moments you didn’t realize everyone was drunk for.

Get your tickets here:

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/06/23/5-true-stories-that-put-every-horror-movie-to-shame/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/06/23/5-true-stories-that-put-every-horror-movie-to-shame/

[allofbeercom]

5 True Stories That Put Every Horror Movie To Shame

Show a group of people a randomly picked news article, and three personality types will emerge. Some ask themselves: “How does this affect me?” Others query: “What can I learn from this?” And then there’s a third group, which rarely wears pants and only wants to know: “What kind of horror movie would this be?” I’m firmly in that last group, and judging by how you clicked on this article, I’m guessing that so are you. So come — let’s grab a bunch of truly creepy news stories and give those stupid, rational types a sample of what the inside of our collective head looks like.

5

Boats Full Of Corpses Keep Washing Up In Japan

There are many horror plots you’d associate with Japan: creepy ghost girls, giant monsters, the lingering farts of long-gone otakus still haunting their apartment complexes. You wouldn’t necessarily include the classic “ghost ship” story in that list … which is why Japan, being Japan, has taken that trope and cranked it up to 11.

Instead of the traditional version where a ship is found with its crew mysteriously missing (and may or may not make its finders disappear as well, thanks to the vengeful sea ghosts haunting it), the country has opted for a real-life version where mysterious boats full of decomposing and mutilated corpses keep washing up on the country’s shores. That’s insane. Even the most visceral of ghost ship-themed horror movies tend to start with an empty ship, singular. Here, we have a whole bunch, turning up with some alarming regularity, and complete with a ton of well-worn corpses to bring some extra gore to the tale. Is … is this going to be a zombie situation somewhere down the line? Is this how the whole “undead pirate” thing from Pirates Of The Caribbean would really play out?

In the interest of accurate reporting, it should be mentioned that one of the boats has been connected to a unit of North Korea’s army, along with Kim Jong-un’s apparent insistence on fishing as a source of food and foreign income. So the leading boring theory is that these are North Korean ships, risking literal life and limb in order to catch a mackerel or six for the Great Leader.

Wait, hold on. That’s … actually even more terrifying than a dark saltwater god stealing fishermen’s faces or whatever. Imagine that your entire lot in life is sailing notoriously stormy and awful seas in a barely equipped vessel, only for your crew to face the unspeakable horrors of the ocean. Maybe things get so bad that you end up with a Donner Party situation. Finally, after the inevitable gory climax, you wash up in a foreign land, where your badly decomposed mortal remains are collected and cremated by stoic Japanese coast guards who have at this point seen way too much of this shit to give a damn.

Around Act Two of that story, having your soul eaten by a horde of ravenous ocean witches would probably be a welcome respite.

4

A Company Had A Secret Nuclear Reactor For Decades

Let’s say you’re a resident of Rochester, New York. You’re just minding your own business, pretending your city has famous people who are not Ryan Lochte and Kristen Wiig, when one day, your neighborhood is full of dudes in hazmat suits. Because a company next door had a goddamned secret nuclear reactor in their basement. But what kind of real-life Umbrella Corporation would go and pull a stunt like that … ?

… K-Kodak? The photography company?

What the fuck?

shurik/Pixabay Who knew a Kodak moment has a half-life of 24,110 years?

It’s hard for a corporate entity to seem sympathetic, but Kodak — a company most notorious for manufacturing film — is probably as close as it comes in an era where everyone has a camera in their cell phone. Finding out a firm like that has been gleefully playing with Fallout tech all along is like discovering that your sweet grandpa’s house has a secret dungeon for a 16-foot fuck doll constructed entirely out of rotting ham. Still, Kodak totally had a nuclear reactor. It was called “californium neutron flux multiplier,” and they started messing around with it in 1974. The company is quick to mention that the reactor was just a relatively small one, they were operating it remotely behind two feet of concrete, and they only used it for non-nefarious purposes such as testing chemicals for impurities. They might even point out that they themselves were, in fact, the ones who revealed that they had one in the first place.

To all that I say: Poppycock.

You know what kind of company just abruptly up and goes, “Hey, guys, did we ever tell you the story of this doom machine we’ve had in our basement for decades? We didn’t? Well, how about that, ha-ha!”? One that’s doing damage control, that’s what. I can imagine around least a dozen reasons for Kodak needing an unsanctioned, rarely mentioned nuclear reactor that was suddenly decommissioned in collaboration with the government in 2007. None of those reasons include the words “making photography shit better,” and absolutely all of them include the term “super mutant.”

I’m calling it: They were totally running a nuclear-themed supervillain plot on the side, and something happened in 2007. Maybe their scientists finally managed to create a film that could capture future events, and were driven to homicidal insanity when every image persistently featured forests of flaming skeletons where trees should be. Or maybe, just maybe, they finally managed to recreate my favorite Masters Of The Universe failure Fearless Photog, who proceeded to tear through the facility like the Demogorgon in Stranger Things.

Mattel If nothing else, he’d take found-footage movies to another level.

3

Family Flees Their Dream House Because Of A Mysterious “Watcher”

The “mysterious stalker in the shadows” trope is present in roughly 95 percent of all horror movies, but in real life, that particular plot device can usually be solved with a call to police, a restraining order, or a swift dropkick right in the dick.

Which makes it all the more intriguing that in 2015, a creepy entity known as “The Watcher” actually managed to stalk a family out of their New Jersey home. And wait, it gets better — said home happened to look like this:

There’s a reason our villain was called the Watcher and not, say, the Melon Baller Eyeball Collector — as befits the majesty of his preferred stalking grounds, he was all about psychological terror. The name of his particular game was threatening letters. And although that could technically put him in a “disgruntled dude who lost the bidding war” or “guy who really hates neighbors” category, he pushed his way into horror movie territory with his … peculiar methods. Here are some choice quotes from his messages:

“The windows and doors allow me to watch you and track you as you move through the house. Who I am? I am the Watcher.”

“Have they found out what is in the walls yet? In time they will.”

Or, in reference to the family’s children:

“I am pleased to know your names now, and the name of the young blood you have brought to me.”

Hahahahaha! That’s awesome … ly, uh, awful for the family, that is. The letters kept coming, and as they included apt “young blood” references and hints that the writer actually did keep uncomfortably close tabs on the house and its renovations, the family was too afraid to make the house their home. In fact, they never dared to properly move in.

What really makes this one for me is that as a horror movie, it’s clearly a sequel. Not only does the family heavily insinuate that the previous owners who sold the house to them were already all too aware of The Watcher, the Watcher himself started his campaign of terror (a mere three days after they bought the house in 2014) with a statement that his grandfather and father had watched the house before him, and it now fell on him to “wait for its second coming.”

A real creepy, haunted-looking mansion where every owner is stalked by generations of unknown, hostile entities? Say that sentence out loud three times, and Wes Craven’s ghost will appear to high five you, because you just got yourself a horror franchise.

2

A Family Finds The Walls Of Their House Are Filled With Animal Carcasses

The Watcher may or may not have been hurling empty threats about “things in the walls,” but in Auburn, MA, one villain damn well delivered … a good 70-80 years in advance.

In 2011, the Bretzius family bought a house. They were thorough in what they were looking for. They had it inspected, looked for radon, the whole nine yards. Everything went well, and they moved in … which is when the dead animals started coming out of the walls.

In 2012, the family discovered to their horror that the walls were full of dead animals, spices, and assorted trinkets, all wrapped up in newspapers from 1930s and 1940s. Intrigued by the what-the-fuckedness of it all, they sent dozens of the carcasses and other finds to experts, who concluded that they likely had something to do with pow-wowing, a peculiar form of Amish folk magic where tricks like this were used to “heal” ailments.

Personally, I call bullshit. It’s one thing to perform a little ceremony for health, like sacrificing a goat whenever you pass through a doorway for the first time (you guys do that too, right?). Stuffing all your walls full of death and spices is the work of a serial killer who wants to show the devil who the boss really is. With that logic, and in the context of Pennsylvania Dutch magic being at play here, I’m forced to assume that the house is haunted by buckriders — demons who ride flying goats from Satan’s flock. Have those guys ever featured in a horror movie? They’re about to!

Still, before the spirits of Bokkenrijders inevitably rise and possess them, the residents of the house are a good example of how haunted houses really screw up a person’s life. Although they are on record for having been adequately “shocked, horrified, and disgusted” when they first found the terror-spell ingredients hiding in their walls, they are more concerned with the fact that this has forced them to do a buttload of expensive renovation their insurance company wants to hear nothing about, and the mold and terrifying smell of the animals has tainted the whole house. That, friend, is the true, mundane yet long-term, horror you’ll face the next time your ceiling starts weeping ectoplasm.

1

Man Arrested For Smuggling Roasted Black-Magic Fetuses

Wait, what?

I’m … That’s … What?

The Telegraph SIX?

Gold leaf. Jesus.

Look, creepy babies are generally a pretty safe course for any horror movie worth its salt. But it’s one thing to go full Rosemary’s Baby, and completely another to roast fetuses, cover them in gold, and waltz off to the airport with a bunch in your luggage while attempting to whistle innocuously. That’s not the plot of a horror movie — that’s what gets you kicked out of the villain treehouse for creeping out Pennywise The Clown. Even the fact that the guy probably didn’t personally make the horror babies like a good, old-fashioned maniac doesn’t help matters; instead, he bought them from someone else for $6,000 and intended to sell them for profit as black-magic good-luck charms known as kuman thong.

Gilded. Roasted. Fetus. Black. Magic. Good luck charms. That someone out there is actively manufacturing for sale.

You know what? Fuck it. I’m out. I hope you’re proud of yourself, fetus guy. You can’t be spun into a horror movie, because you already are something way, way creepier. In other circumstances, I might say that you won, but I think we can agree that we all lost something precious today. Now, who’s hogging the brain bleach?

Pauli Poisuo is a Cracked columnist and freelance editor. Here he is on Facebook and Twitter.

The proliferation of beer pong and craft beer may have you think that we’re living in one of the peak times to get drunk, but humans have been getting famously hammered for millennia. Like a frat house’s lawn after a kegger, history is littered with world changing events that were secretly powered by booze. The inaugural games of the Roman Coliseum, the drafting of the US Constitution and the Russian Revolution were all capped off by major parties that most attendees probably regretted in the morning.

Join Jack O’Brien and Cracked staffers Carmen Angelica, Alex Schmidt, Michael Swaim, plus comedian Blake Wexler for a retelling of history’s biggest moments you didn’t realize everyone was drunk for.

Get your tickets here:

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/06/23/5-true-stories-that-put-every-horror-movie-to-shame/

[chaosmagetwin]

Kitty Danger

“You are my revenge to them. You are my design. My avatar.  When I fully possess you, they will pay for what they did.”

“I want to hate you. Why do you need to possess me? Why do you need to do anything to me at all?”

“Because, my dear Kitty. There is so much more that I want than petty revenge. And you’ll be my instrument. And you’ll be perfect.”

I slid my eyes open again, disoriented. Back in the bar. 

“-That would work.” Talk Boy was grinning, and I remembered; we had been discussing team names. He looked over at me to see my reaction and faltered.”Uh, Kit? KD? You okay over there?”

I shrugged, whatever emotions I’d been feeling already gone like fog in the desert at noon. “Sorry. I think I dozed off for a moment.” I gave a fake yawn. “Too much beer and food.” Living Lightning grinned at me.

“Oh, do our talks about super hero team names bore you?” She giggled. “I remember way back when we had to decide on our hero names. It took like.. two weeks to get you to agree to anything. Let’s see, there was.. magician, Lady Luck, Wizardess... uhh...”

Talk boy continued for her. “God Blessed, Fairy, Titania, Tiny Danger, Super Just Sayin’, Elemistress, Lady of the Sky, Stitch Witch, The Littlest Juggernaut, Lady Nautilot, La Petite Magie, The Noisy Cricket, Wolverwitch, Dynamite with a Laser Beam, uhhhh...”

I nodded along with each one. The never ending saga of my hero name. “Until finally i said to just call me Kitty Danger. KD. Katie. Normal enough, but everyone calls me Kit instead.” It was almost ironic. The more normal I tried to be, the more it backfired. 

“Yeah, but it’s such a boring name.... Not that ours are any better, I guess. We just had to be more creative with you.” LL and TB shrugged at the same time. “I’d probably choose something different for my name, actually. Legends, or Bard, or.... something. Ah well. Here’s to us!” He lifted his mug and we rushed to complete the toast. 

“We made it in! We’re totally going to rock SHC!” 

By mid-afternoon, Living Lightning and Talk Boy were happily drunk, cheering for whatever showed up on the screens, singing terrible songs, and dancing. With them distracted, I was able to think about what I’d seen. I had no doubt it was the truth, although it was presented in a fever-dream format. 

I wasn’t randomly selected. I was chosen by my friends. I’d always known it, but I’d never confronted them about it. I didn’t want to, at first. Later, it was just a waste of time. Why bother, when I already knew the answer?

What was of interest was that I wasn’t using my powers enough. If I did, perhaps I would get my emotions back. Or, maybe it would let the god in. Or, maybe, it was all just a fever dream with no purpose. I watched as Living Lightning leaned close to Talk Boy. I sighed as I put a shield up in front of her and moved her slightly back. They were too drunk. If they wanted to get romantic, they could do it while sober. They’d regret things if they did it while drunk. 

Of course, she didn’t even realize what had happened, shrugged, and went back to dancing. TB was oblivious. As usual. What would these two ever do without me? I grimaced. It was a repugnant thought, the idea of abandoning them to their own devices. 

Being an avatar of that god wasn’t exactly something I wanted. Perhaps it really was time to visit a wizard or psychologist. Someone more knowledgeable about these sorts of things. They might not be able to fix me, but maybe some advice so I could fix myself could be gained. 

LL stumbled into the seat next to me, grinning widely, her face red. Perhaps if I had some sort of emotion, i’d say it was amusing how it clashed with her pink eyes. “KIT! You’re the best! Dont.... don’t let ANYONE tell you something.. else.” She was blackout drunk, no doubt. “ANYBODY. EVERYBODY! This is Kit... DANGER. She is awesome! And scary! Very scary. Like... maybe don’t like... talk to her, cause... she might skin you. Scary. But she is my friend!” She put an arm around my shoulder and sagged over my tiny body. “Ain’t nobody mess with her! Mess with me. I’m messy!” She giggled as I sighed. 

“Talk boy, it’s time to go. El is going to set this place on fire if we stay too much longer.” He was getting handsy with a waitress who didn’t seem to mind. It was hard to tell if he was using his powers or if she just thought he was cute. “Also, you’re being creepy.” The waitress rolled her eyes at me and moved on with her job. He sighed unhappily and looked over at me. I could only imagine what I looked like with LL’s body draped over my head and me sitting ramrod straight. No doubt it was an amusing look as he burst out laughing. 

I set LL down in her bed lightly as she snored. She’d fallen asleep on the way back to our assigned dorms. TB had nearly passed out as well, but a jolt of adrenaline magic had woken him up again. If it had been after dark, maybe we would have gotten a few less odd looks, but considering it was mid-afternoon...

As it was now, TB was laying down on the couch, almost asleep. I suppose it’s a good thing I can’t get drunk. I wonder what would have happened tonight if I had powers normally? or if the god who granted them to me wasn’t a dick? Hard to say, really.

I laid down on my own bed and stared up at the ceiling. It’d taken some work for us all to get the some dorm room. LL wound up having to threaten her previous roommates out. We had to pretend TB didn’t also live here, and made up a fake third girl who lived in this dorm so we didn’t get assigned another. The teachers knew, I was certain. But I’m also certain they didn’t care, since LL and TB went out of their way to make sure anyone who had been displaced found good places to stay. In the end, no one really lost anything.

We’d been going to Super Hero College for about a year now. They called it the Preliminary Classes. Some of the weaker students called it Bootcamp. Others called it Preschool. Students weren’t really accepted into SHC until they passed all the classes and tests. Todays was the last one. Not everyone made it past the PC’s, unless they were of S rank. 

Most of the classes focused on reducing civilian casualties, and what to do with hostages, and general tips for how to better understand your own powers. A few were the super hero equivalent of gym classes, where everyone tried to find their limits. I don’t think LL ever found hers, and TB was only limited by his own knowledge. It didn’t help him that he’s not very smart. 

A few different classes were just on networking. After all, if you can’t solve a problem, it’s time to call in someone else. My best bet for solving my problem would be through networking. 

A hard knock on the door brought me out of my reverie. A few moments later, and I opened it. Terra Questa and Falrak the Thunderer. Our neighbours. Terra grinned at me. We were about the same height, even though she was technically in the body of a child. “Okay, who else passed? Please tell me-”

“Everyone passed.” TQ pumped her fist in exultation. “I knew it! hah! You owe me twenty bucks, two soda’s, and a lolly pop.”

Falrak rolled his eyes. “Fine, fine. I’m surprised, I’ll admit. I didn’t think... Talk Boy was.. uh.. strong enough.”

“He’s totally fibbing, he thought you would be disqualified for being.. you know.” I shrugged. I knew how he felt. “Where are they, anyways? You don’t usually answer the door.”

“Passed out drunk. They ‘forgot’ they had school tomorrow. Come on in. They won’t notice you. Want something to drink? We’ve got cherry soda.” TB’s favorite. TQ nodded eagerly even as Falrak shook his head. 

“Those lucky bums.” She said loudly. “Allowed to GET DRUNK! Even though I’m FOUR TIMES their age, I’m not! Ugh.” She pushed TB’s head out of the way and sat down on the couch. “Ah, those were the days....” Falrak leaned against a wall, trying not to look uncomfortable as the door shut and I got them both a soda. he caught the one I tossed to him, but TQ dropped hers, grabbing it with her power before it hit the ground.

“You could always go to a wizard and have them artificially age you.” She started shaking her head before I even finished speaking. “Or not.”

“My powers don’t allow it. I’d stop having powers for a day while I looked older and then I’d revert over night. I’ve had seventy years to think about this, so, believe me when I say powers that have requirements are particular.” She sipped her soda with a happy sigh. “on the plus side, I get to act like a kid forever, and there is literally no limit to the amount of sugar I can stand. On the negative side, I still have to take care of myself and actually watch how much sugar I do have, else I’ll get diabetes. Also, no alcohol.”

Falrak shrugged. “Also, you’re physically weak, short, and generally helpless. Which is why I’m here. Also, you trust people too easily, you make friends with total strangers, and your brain is still that of a childs, even if it does have the memories of an adult.” 

“Whatever ~dad~. So I like hopscotch and pretend, who cares?” I looked at my room with silent desire. I felt like I was in the middle of their argument. Why did they even come over here? “That all aside, I’m glad you guys passed. What’s your team name?”

“Imaginary Microphones.” I said as blandly as possible. They burst out laughing, of course. “Yeah, they’re not very good with names.”

“With names like Living Lightning and Talk Boy, yeah, I’m not surprised.” TQ shook her head. “At least Kitty Danger isn’t a bad name. They should have taken a lesson from you.”

I shrugged. “I suggested Team Generic.”

They both stared at me for several seconds. “I didn’t know you could do Irony that well.” Falrak said after a moment, appreciation in his voice.