#well i should say ive been posting on twt for years

[metalyre]

will i ever stop being startled by seeing my own art while im scrolling through my feeds? unlikely

[todayisafridaynight]

'im gonna sleep' he lied

[smileymoth]

7, 8, 14

7. Who are some artists that have inspired you? This isn't a difficult question but it's hard to like... describe why someone inspires me. I think the 1 artist that has sort of guided me to find my art style is definitely godlyDescentUFO they mostly post on deviantart/twt of which i don't really use anymore. I still think about their art a lot, and often. The colour palettes they use and the composition and body language of the characters drawn... It's just special to me. I want to replicate it. One day. Again I feel like Ive been too sucked into fandom these past few years to really do what i want to but I'll... I'll explain that later .But yeah they've been my favourite artist ever since I found them. I feel like if you just go thru their gallery you can tell why I like them

Then there's clickbaitcowboy . He's on tumblr go give them a follow. he makes godly oc illustrations and his painting skills are so... so so so so AAHHH. Im in love fr I can't explain it. The shading makes me go insane and the way he draws out anatomy and muscles and fat and just bodies in general... god

supppe, another person who is on tumblr whose colour paletes bring me joy. He makes comics and his art style is super pleasing to the eye

And from current fandom I think everyone can agree that panidanya and wszczebrzyszynie are incredible artists . Panidanyas anatomy and painting skills kill me every time and wszczebrzyszynie has this really nostalgic(?) art style that my heart can get behind. It creates art with such passion and love, you know, you can't deny that. if you look at its art you just know

Other than that the main inspiration i guess comes from my friends, from my mutuals' art. It doesn't have to be something big. It can be as simple as a small detail in someones clothing or the facial expressions. God this reminds me I miss my friends art. Evan you need to make more art I miss you

8. How would you describe your art style?

Matured deviantart emo semirealism. I dont think semi realism really fits my style bc it still feels too cartoony to me. I dont think my art style is really all that well developed idk it lacks identity to me but Im also hyper critical of my art

14. Do you prefer to make fan content or original content? This is a tricky goddamn question I thought about this for like 5 minutes and now Im even more confused. I am an oc artist first. I don't like "original" art in the sense of those paintings that just exist in a vacuum with no character stories behind them. I want something you can follow, you know. I want there to be some form of a story. which i guess is my downfall sometimes. When i draw fandom art i feel like they're also my ocs. esp bc its... its mcyt... You kind of have to make it into your oc because you have 16x16 pixel canvas and someones 2010 kakashi skin to work with.

On the other hand, bc i'm an oc artist, Im making 'fan content' of my ocs. Technically. Do yuo follow. So me drawing my babyboy Daniel 400+ times in a decade is kind of like fan content but Im the only fan... So whats original content and whats fan content.

I do feel like being so intertwined in fandom content may have hindered my art development a little bit, since I completely stopped drawing my ocs for a little while. I didn't get to explore their lives through art as much as I would've wanted to. I haven't been drawing as many backgrounds because I do enjoy mostly drawing interiors and there's not much interiors to talk about when it comes to mcyt... And ive also just been lacking motivation for it.

All in all i think i enjoy "original" art more, because it gives me more, it gives more to my heart. It's not that i don't enjoy drawing mcyt, but I think I should maybe try to draw mcyt in a more personal? matter? Without too much fandomification? I want to make more art that has "meaning" per say, with backgrounds, a story behind them. (this is just for me and what i want to get out of art, this doesn't apply to anyone else. it's such a slippery slope bc i know saying these things may feel hurtful to others but i am only talking about myself.... okay T_T) I dont know if any of this makes sense. I'm always lost in my direction with art and going to art school didn't make it any better <3

I do think that because I've been going thru a lot of personal warfare in the past 3 years, fandom HAS helped me in the sense that it helps me with creativity, since i have been severely lacking in creative thinking, I just struggle with it nowadays, so if I can draw ethubs making out under a tree bc they did so in episode 402 out of season 194 then so be it, at least it'll help me create

[jeanbeaux]

ENTANGLEMENT

todoroki shouto x f!reader x sero hanta

w/c: 3.4k

warnings: smut/18+/MINORS DNI, virginity loss, threesome, squirting, cam couple, sub!shouto, dom!sero, reader is best described as devil bimbo

a/n: this is my contribution for @onyxoverride’s hellfire collab! the theme was corruption, i hope yall enjoy, check out the rest of the fics here! this was one of the toughest fics ive written yet, shoutout to my babies @aiiwa & @smoochiesdiarie who have been with me on this journey from when this doc was just twt p*rn links. bonus love to you if you read the title in a will smith voice.

As he gazes at the apartment building in front of him, Shouto feels like he’s on an episode of Punk’d. There's nothing wrong with the upscale glass exterior and there isn’t anything strange going on in the street — but what are the odds that the cam couple he’s been tuning into religiously for weeks would be living in a complex he’s been to already?

This is what he gets for making decisions in a post orgasm daze. The cum he had spilled still laid warm on his toned stomach when he had gotten the private message alert.

mirari: thanks so much for your generosity during the  stream, freezefire0111! we want to thank you for all you’ve done for us, are you interested?

Shouto is by no means an idiot, he graduated 3rd in his class at UA, for god’s sake. So what on earth even prompted him to even say yes to meet up in person?

He’s a Pro Hero, the public would have a field day if anything was leaked. He should just turn around now, before a civilian sees, or even worse —

“Shouto!” A voice calls out gleefully.

You.

You’re practically bouncing as you make your way over to him, throwing your arms around his neck to say hello. “What are you doing here?”

“Oh, I was just in the area.”

Great lie, Shouto.

“It’s kinda far from your place, Sho,” 

Well, so much for that being airtight.

“But since you’re here,” you add, pulling him from his thoughts. “Do you want to come upstairs?” 

This is his out, he thinks. Mirari hadn’t told him which apartment was theirs, just that they would meet him at the front entrance. And in the five minutes he’s been here, no ones been in the lobby area except for you. He’ll just go up with you for a bit, maybe even have a snack, forget this ever happened, slip away unnoticed and go back to appreciating them from behind the screen. So he agrees, and lets you lead him through the revolving doors.

You make small talk as you ride up the elevator, swapping stories about patrol incidents and the horrors of paperwork. When you swing open the penthouse door, he is greeted by the view of the sun setting on the Musutafu skyline. The floor to ceiling windows allow the dimming light to cast all over the modern decor, bathing the sleek furniture in an orange glow. 

“You know, I’m glad I ran into you, Sho,” you say, “I’ve been meaning to ask for your opinion on something.”

“Oh? Why me?”

“Because you’re one of Hanta’s closest friends, why wouldn’t I?” you reply, pulling a sleek pink shopping bag from the coat closet. “I got him this for his birthday, but now I’m not too sure about it. Do you think he’d like it?”

Shouto doesn’t even know how to even begin to describe what you had just produced out of the tissue paper. It didn’t make sense, a series of black straps dangling from the hanger. Your mouth is moving but all he hears is static, paralyzed by how inappropriate his thoughts of you are right now. 

“Oh, silly me,” you say, gauging his bewildered expression, “You wouldn’t understand the problem if I just explained it! Let me try it on for you.”

What now?

Before he can stammer out a “that won’t be necessary,” you’ve waltzed into the bedroom to change, leaving him alone in his moral conundrum. 

This is wrong. You’re with Sero, you have been for the last four years, and you seemed so happy — why would you be bothered with this half assed attempt to seduce him? He starts to head towards the front door, figuring that he can’t give you an answer if he isn’t here, but to his chagrin, it swings open, his escape route blocked by the wide grin of his good friend.

“Shouto!” Sero greets, pulling the flustered man into a hug. “Didn’t know you were coming over, man, you should have said something.”

“Actually, I was just —”

“See, Sho?” Your voice drifts from the bedroom, cutting him off as his eyes widen in horror. “I just don’t think the belt’s sitting where it’s supposed to.” 

Red bottom heels click across the floor as you stride over to them, of course you would go all out for your little fashion show, breasts bouncing out of your bra with each step. You turn around to try to show him the “problem” —  the floral lace garter currently cinching your waist — except all Shouto is seeing is how your burnt orange nails are running over the leather straps stretching over your plump ass to connect the garter to sheer black thigh high stockings. 

What was wrong with what you were wearing again?

His jaw falls open, but no words come out. Probably for the best, because there’s no way he’d be able to explain himself out of anything with your boyfriend standing right next to him. He’s torn between looking at you and avoiding Sero’s gaze, so he settles for the floor, his cheeks turning the same shade as the left side of his hair as you finish off your little twirl.

“Hanta!” you exclaim. 

Good, you should do all the talking. 

But why isn’t there any shock in your voice? Or guilt?

And why is Sero still quiet?

His dual colored gaze shifts from the hardwood beneath him to find you kissing him hello, the both of you smiling at each other as though there wasn’t a third party in the living room.

Sero’s letting out a low whistle as he spins you around once more. “You look fantastic, babe,” he says, kissing your temple.

“Mmm thank you, baby. The guest of honor hasn’t said anything though,” you pout, and the both of you shift your gaze to Shouto expectantly.

He’s staring back at the two of you mouth agape, certain that the gears churning in his head are audible to you two as he attempts to process the situation. 

“Oh, Sho baby,” you giggle softly, cheek pressed against Sero’s chest, “I thought you would have figured it out by now.” 

Your eyes glow a soft gold as you activate your quirk, the air around the apartment rippling to transform the space. The terracotta walls turn a deep gray, the kitchen following suit — the wooden cabinetry morphing into sleek steel complimented by dark marble counters. The furniture has changed too — the sofa replaced with a long white chaise that’s back is oriented towards the window. 

But there’s a familiarity in all this change, Shouto’s seen this all before. He’s seen silken legs spread open on that very countertop and breasts pressed against that specific shade of gray. That chaise, that was the star of last week’s show, where large hands gripped firm ass cheeks apart for all their viewers to see. 

And then he sees it — the true star of the mirage — you two, morphed into the couple he’s been putting a dent in his bank account to connect with. 

Sero’s bulky elbows have been replaced, each arm now adorned with a winding snake that runs from his shoulders to his wrists. You’ve got a couple tattoos of your own, a patchwork collection of butterflies along your right thigh. 

“Y-y-you?” Shouto stammers out.

“Surprise!” you sing, throwing the hand not looped around Sero in the air. You turned off your quirk and the air ripples once more to drop the illusion — the motion and the weight of the truth making Shouto feel like the room is starting to spin. 

“How? Why?”

“I just showed you the how,” you say, “The Hero Commission has asked me to keep the fact that my quirk also has effects on recordings under wraps. As for the why, because it’s fun! There’s something thrilling about the fact that Japan’s favorite Hero couple has been giving the public the details they’ve been dying to know right under their noses.” 

“Did you know it was me?”

“Welllllll,” Sero begins, “She did, I just thought we had an avid fan of yours on the stream.”

“I told you, Han, the donation tags sounded so much like him! Which means that I won the bet!”

“Bet?” Shouto manages to croak. He feels cornered, praying that the earth opens up and swallows him before he has to face the consequences of his perversions. 

“Mmhmm! To see which one of us gets to have fun with you first. That’s what you wanted from this, right, Sho? A threesome?” Your eyes sparkle as you await his response, he just looks so delectable when he’s all flustered like this. 

“I-I-”

“We don’t bite,” Sero assures, the easy grin he’s always sporting back on his face. “You get to call all the shots, back out anytime you want to. I’m assuming it’s your first time seriously considering a threesome, yeah?”

In all his years facing villains, Shouto never would have thought it would take a proposition to knock the wind out of him. His knees give out and he falls on the couch behind him, burying his face in his hands as he tries to figure out what to do. 

“Whoa, man, you okay?” Sero takes a step forward to try to comfort him. “This is a lot, I know, I was saying we should have been a bit more gradual about how we did this but (Y/N) wanted to surprise you. But like I said, you can back out anytime. We don’t even have to do this at all.”

“Han, wait,” you say, stopping your boyfriend in his tracks. “I think I know what’s holding Shouto back.”

You saunter over to the poor man on the couch, leaning over to meet his eyes till your cleavage is spilling out in front of his face. 

“Are you a virgin, Sho?” The syrupy sweetness in your voice makes the question sound innocent, but the devilish glint in your eyes is anything but. 

You reach out to stroke his face gently, but Sero intervenes, grabbing your wrist firmly. “Don’t be mean, baby.”

“It’s a serious question!” you protest. “Look at how nervous he is, it’s fair to ask.” You turn your gaze back to Shouto, hand coming under to cup his chin. “I bet he hasn’t seen a set of tits in the flesh.”

Now that wasn’t true, Shouto has in fact seen tits.

Only because he was flashed by a deranged fan. 

So what if he was a virgin?

It’s not a matter of looks or charm. The stoic man is in now, and Shouto’s currently standing at 6’2 with his two toned hair tucked into a bun since it’s starting to brush against his shoulders. He’s only grown more chiseled and broader since his years at UA, so the issue wasn’t finding someone to be with, the issue was time. 

He hasn’t had a moment to rest on his way to rise to the top of the hero charts, let alone time to date. And rather than indulge his old man with the prospects he lined up, fisting himself to sleep would work just fine. 

And it’s not like he never wanted a relationship, he was just waiting to find the right one. Perhaps that was the comfort he sought out when he tuned into your streams on Wednesday nights, because you two weren’t performing for an audience, you were inviting people to see the deep connection you had with each other. It wasn’t just the sexual chemistry, but the gentle whispers of how well you did and soothing rubs against reddened skin that showcased how much you cared for each other. Shouto had always thought he had seen that kind of love somewhere before, he yearned for it, yearned to be a part of it.

Maybe subconsciously he knew that Mirari was closer to him than he thought.

“Well?” You repeat expectantly, pulling Shouto from his thoughts. “Are you?”

“Yes,” he admits quietly.

“Sho,” you purr, “There’s no shame in that!” You rub soft circles with your thumbs across his cheeks to soothe the meek look in his eyes. “Do you want us to take care of you, baby?”

“Yes.” His voice is barely a whisper now. His hands hover by your thighs, unsure of his next move, eventually deciding to just settle for clenching them into fists that rest by his side.

“We aren’t going to get anywhere if you’re afraid to touch me, Sho,” you laugh gently, “What are you so scared of baby, why don’t you tell me?”

“I want to do it right. Don’t want to mess up.”

“You aren’t going to mess up,” Sero laughs, “We’re here to walk you through it, okay?”

Shouto looks up and nods. You’ve gotten off of his lap, one hand laced with Sero’s and another one extending for his, which he accepts to allow you to lead him numbly to the bedroom. 

“I want you to watch first,” Sero says, rounding behind you to look at Shouto. He sits at the end of the bed, gently kissing down your side till he grabs the waistband of your panties with his teeth, pulling them and letting go so they snap against your waist.

“Be good for me and take these off, love,” he murmurs against the marred skin, “Make sure you give our guest a show.”

And so you oblige, unbuckling the garter and allowing it to pool to the floor, then slowly stripping off your panties, throwing them at Shouto with a smile when they had made it off your legs. Shouto’s clutching on to the garment like a lifeline when Sero’s hands come to wrap around your middle, pulling you into his lap. Then his mouth is latching on your neck, sucking bruises on supple skin as he unhooks your bra. 

“It’s all about the buildup,” Sero instructs, rolling his fingers over your nipples as you moan against his shoulder. “If she’s making pretty noises like this one is right here, you’re touching her right. You gotta listen to your woman to keep her happy.”

Shouto nods dumbly as he watches you arch into Sero’s touch, whining for more. Sero is biting the shell of your ear as he spreads your plush thighs apart to show off your glistening pussy.

Sero reaches down to run his fingers through your folds, separating them so that Shouto could see the strands of slick that had gathered between them. “Someone’s excited we’re doing a live show aren’t we?” Sero chuckles, hand reaching down once more to circle at your clit. You start to squirm when he begins to apply more pressure to his touch, bucking your hips to meet his palm when he finally slides a finger into your needy hole. His free hand returns to your right breast, rolling your nipple under his thumb as he crooks his fingers to start striking against that spongy spot. 

“Watch closely, Shouto, because when you do this just right, she makes a mess.” 

He’s got you squirting with one more stroke of his fingers, some of it even splashing on your voyeur.

“Look at how nice and wet I got you,” your boyfriend coos as you come down from your high, “I think you’re ready for Shouto now, yeah?”

“Mmmmhmmm,” you slur, glancing at the man standing at the foot of the bed with that devilish glint back in your eyes. 

Sero moves back, allowing you to slump down on the bed as he gets up. “Gonna go get a towel to clean this up, behave while I’m gone.” 

When he’s padded over to the bathroom, you raise a well manicured finger in the air to make a come hither motion.

 “Shoooo,” you beckon, lifting yourself up as he gets closer. “I’m sorry I ruined your shirt.” You toy with the hem of the soiled fabric, helping him pull it off over his head. He shudders when the almond shaped nails rake over his exposed abs, your hand settling to palming over the erection straining in his jeans.

You look back up at him, batting your eyelashes as if to say pretty please, and when he gives you okay, you’re tugging his pants down, freeing his aching cock from it’s confines.

“You’re so pretty, Sho,” you reach for his length, maneuvering it so it sits right between your puffy folds. “Can’t believe all those fans of yours dream of a moment like this and you’re having it with me first. Do you think you’re ready?” You lay back again, tilting your hips to run his cock through the slick gathered beneath them.

Shouto leans forward, arms caging your head. “Yeah,” he breathes, “I wanna fuck, I’m ready.” He tries to line himself up to enter you, but the hand you have pressed against his length holds him back, and he’s sliding through your slippery folds once more. 

And he tries, again and again, hips stuttering every time he feels your entrance throb beneath his cock. You’re so wet, so warm, it’s excruciating being this close to what he needs so he begs, crying against your shoulder to let him put it in. 

When your hold on him leaves, Shouto looks up to find Sero holding your wrist in his grasp. “What did I say about behaving?” He demands, looking down at you. 

“Sorry, Han, he’s just so pretty when he’s needy, couldn’t help it.”

The mattress dips as Sero kneels behind you, pulling you up so you rest against his chest. His hands find your thighs again, gripping them as he pulls them apart. “Sorry about the brat over here, I’ll hold her open.”

Shouto finds himself lining up at your dripping hole once more, sighing when his tip finally pushes in. You’re so inviting, practically sucking him in at this point, and he lets out a whimper when your hips are flush against his balls. 

“She feels good, doesn’t she?” Sero says, “My baby has the best pussy.” 

“She does,” Shouto pants, “She really does.” Shouto pulls back out and slams his hips into yours. He’s sloppy, as is the consequence of pent up desperation, but he’s leaving you feeling so full. He’s thicker than Sero is, your gummy walls stretched to accommodate his girth. He’s groaning in your ear, thanking you over and over as his cock kisses the head of your cervix just right, your toes curling over Sero’s legs. 

“Slow down, Shouto. Edge her a little bit for being bratty earlier.” 

Shouto obliges, the wet slaps of his balls against your ass now ringing more spaced out than before, causing you to mewl in disagreement in Sero’s arms. 

“Oh?” Sero grips your jaw to force you to look at him. “You think you deserve to get fucked right after the stunts you’ve pulled?” He tilts you back to look at the blushing man between your legs. “Apologize to him.” 

“Sorry Sho!” you sniffle, “Please, please, Han, tell him to fuck me harder, please!”

Shouto picks up the pace again, hands lacing with Sero’s over your thighs as he fucks into you. You’re starting to clamp down on him, he isn’t going to last much longer, it’s a wonder he’s lasted this far. 

“Can I — inside — can —”

He’s so pussy drunk he can’t even get the words out.

“Yeah, yeah.”

You sound equally as delirious. 

“Go ahead, Shouto,” Sero allows, “You’ve earned it.” Sero’s hand sneaks between where your bodies meet, rubbing at your neglected clit till you’re cumming with a scream. Shouto follows soon after, pumping you full with a final stutter of his hips. Sero shifts back to allow the both of you to collapse on the bed. Your hands tangle in Shouto’s hair as he pulls out, his creamy cock resting above your abused pussy. 

“Did I do well, was I good?” he whispers against your skin.

“You were so good, Sho,” you press a kiss against his forehead, playing absentmindedly with his hair as he catches his breath. 

A tap against your cheek cuts the moment short, and you look up to see Sero shining his phone down at the two of you, dick pointed at your lips. 

“She’s right, Sho. I think we should show the world how good you did next.”

thx for reading! please don’t recc this work on tiktok.

© all rights reserved JEANBEAUX 2021. please do not copy, modify or repost my work.

taglist: @lazyezstudy @jeansbabycake @jean-prettyboy-kirschtein @hawksismybabydaddy

join my taglist here!

[nako-doodles]

check in tag 😌

tagged by the cutest babes @jaehyukkies @gimbapchefs @taesjpg @joenns @honsool @taehyungq @himbojin @jiminswn & @kimtaegis  mwah! ✨✨

1. Why did you choose your url?

namjoon bought a duck mold, ventured out into a snowy day in winter, and gave me the greatest tweet i have ever seen

2. Any sideblogs? If you have them name them and why you have them

the day i gain the ability to wrangle more than one blog ill let yall know

3. How long have you’ve been on tumblr?

*starts calculating time furiously and almost burns out her single braincell* ive been here since like freshman year high school.....so............2010? 2011? ive deleted and restarted like 3 times tho so.........also you can calculate my exact age now (as if I dont have my age on my carrd aiowgjiorajgo)

4. Do you have a queue tag?

no we dont tag we just chaos in this house *finger guns*

5. Why did you start your blog in the first place?

i took a break from tumblr and kpop and then decided I wanted to make a bts blog out of the blue

6. Why did you choose your icon?

i drew all these tiny snow ducks i might as well capitalize on them yknow? really embrace my duck persona (Kim Namjoon witness the person you have made me)

7. Why did you choose your header?

honestly my entire blog brand at this point can be narrowed down to the hour ish (probably) joon spent wrangling snow into duck molds, placing them together for the twt, and captioning them ducktan sonyeondan (im on the look out for new ideas im ready for a change lmk if you have ideas 🥰)

8. What’s your post with the most notes?

i think its this post?? of the babies on rollerblades from that one iconic dynamite stage. and on that note tumblr should be able to let me filter based on note count instead of forcing me to rely one my shoddy terrible no good math skills. asking me to compare numbers bigger than 0? despicable. 

9. How many mutuals do you have?

absolutely no fucking clue 🥰🥰🥰 i do love them to the moon (Kim Seokjin) and back tho!!!!

10. How many followers do you have?

ngl its still wild for me that even one of yall follow me thank you 🥺🥺🥺 its a great honor that you have bestowed upon me

11. How many people do you follow?

303 bc I like it when numbers are palindromes and also bc im bad at checking new blogs

12. Have you ever made a shitpost?

would like you to direct you to my #shirley you cant be serious.txt tag

13. How often do you use tumblr each day?

i try my best to “clean out” my blog (reply to my dms/askbbox, check out my mentions, scroll for new content i may have missed etc.) in the mornings and evenings when i have the time. ive been kinda bad at this lately bc its been hectic here in shirley headquarters but ill get to everyone soon I promise!! (this sounds like bad. its not!!! its just that leaving things stresses me out? like how i like replying to texts as soon as i see them or reply emails as fast as i can. ‘unresolved’ correspondence feels rude.)

14. Did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? Who won?

no im the type to unfollow/block/ignore if someone did or said something i dont agree with without a word

15. How do you feel about “you need to reblog this” posts?

i get the need for those signal boost posts and promulgating important information but (and this is going to sound selfish) tumblr is my destress zone. i go here when the world is being overwhelming and terrible. i certainly read and educate myself as much as my mental health will let me, and i try my best to promote information and donate whenever i can, but i feel like social media has caused some people here to be too into canceling, managing, and being performative in their ‘wokeness.’ like you HAVE to have a blackout pic on instagram and you HAVE to reblog all these posts and you HAVE to immediately cancel everyone who has ever made a mistake EVER with no nuance or context (or dare i say......humanity). like fighting for human rights and speaking up again racism and bringing attention to societal problems is just a checklist to go down instead of being things you should understand and try to improve? like being ‘unproblematic’ starts and ends with mindlessly reblogging ‘woke’ content. idk sorry for going on a rant. going back to your regularly scheduled lighthearted content in 3...2...1

16. Do you like tag games?

ABSOLUTELY TAG ME IN EVERYTHING PLS AND THANK MWAH

17. Do you like ask games?

ofc!!! i used to do a lot of ask games back in the day but work and the pixel art ive been working on has been eating up all my extra time (and i always feel bad if I leave asks unanswered for too long see: q. 13) i do have that clover moots post saved for when my mental health is up and i have the time to tho!!!! 

18. Which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

ngl the idea of being tumblr famous is hilarious to me bc it usually just the same 10 moots who share a braincell bouncing posts back and forth each other, but i do think all my moots are superstars that even class o super giants millions of millions of miles away are turning green w envy 🥰🥰🥰

19. Do I have a crush on a mutual?

i have a confession i have to make........i have a big phat standing crush on all my moots........its really embarassing............thats its bigger than even tae’s tush or joon’s tits..................pls let me down gently if you dont feel the same................

tagging: @cafejoon @stargazingjin @yoobijin @jinbestboy @jintae @jinv @taemaknae @butterful & anyone who wants to ✨✨

[baejoonyoung-archive]

its not just you alice :/ this site is dying and it doesnt even matter what fandom probably..... its just so demotivating, like i never thought i would say this but i enjoy twt more these days lol i rb yesterday the "thing we didnt say to new ccs" i think the most important thing we should tell them is that if they value their time, dont be a cc here 😂😂 but some of us way too deep already to just leave :/ since we love it

u got that right, like this site is just hella frustrating, the new updates have made it worse as well imo 

i’ve tried twitter on and off and i just can’t get on with it sadly, i get bored within a week lmaoo - or i see threads of negative shit and im just like nope, ima back outta here...  i post on my eric nam gifs account but thats all ajfhkafjk

if i hadn’t been here so many years i would’ve left for sure, but ive been here since like 2010 i guess im probably stuck here until it dies 🤪

[jjks]

tbh idk if i should laugh or cry at this mintsugakookies*tumblr*com/post/158031391934/jikook-always-beating-each-other-during-fansigns a whole gifset made of fancams and yet, no credit. Not A Single Credit. should I cry? or laugh because people blindly reblog that shit and give it notes?

sobs so many people do this all the time and it makes me so :-( especially if the fantakens aren’t editable either... ;;; a lot of people don’t know, is what i wanna say but being here for so long, this fandom is usually strict about following fansite rules and it’s just??? fantakens should always get credit so i hope people will follow those guidelines ;;;;

how do you still stay strong to gif ??? or have the motivation to? because im 0-00000001% this close to stop giffing lol like ive been giffing for 3 years now and i know its not 100% inevitable but it still pisses me of SO MUCH to this day that people repost, or edit OVER my gifs and or somehow find a way to edit over my stuff and post it to weheartit like h o w much of a disrespectful piece of a shit can you be to do that to a persons work

mmm, it’s hard to say lol i do it out of enjoyment like it’s a hobby of mine and when i have time i’ll gif and when i don’t then oh well ;; i get the feeling tho, it’s very frustrating and then i see people always saying that either 1) gifmakers should watermark 2) once it’s on the internet then your loss 3) don’t gif if you don’t want it to be reposted 4) gifmakers aren’t shit and i’m just????? it’s hard to stop reposters and their mindset on why they think it’s okay to repost any fan created thing pisses me off but i’m used to just reporting reposts on tumblr and twt is jkdsnfkdsf a whole new story OTL

[fluffi]

so should i reply in tiny font or just regular font?

hybe should do better in spreading out the comebacks of the groups under them :/ they're already at a huge advantage, might as well use it strategically. AHA streaming mvs is so convenient for a multi. the filler vids i could use in between could be mvs from the other groups that i stan. also you know what, i still haven't watched a single final performance bc im waiting for a friend to watch with me :D

i have a chinese movie recommendation in case you want something to cry over. i still love its ost and it's been months since i watched it. i'm not sure if you watched it already but more than blue. i've never cried over a movie as much as i cried for that one. the angst *chef's kiss*. i'd do anything to wipe my memory of it and watch it again for the first time.

also sungchan is mc-ing in inkigayo every sunday! and honestly, what the hell is nct hollywood :D but a part of me thinks it's just going to be a bunch of asians living in america like johnny that'll be a part of it. just a hunch tho. imagine having all 4 units coming back in a year with like 1 unit per quarter of the year. i'm not sure if sm even has the money to do this, especially when they filed bankruptcy recently.

and i've seen a lot of twitter memes saying taro's ghosted stans T_T alexa play ghosting by txt T_T sm come on give him smth to do, you're wasting talent.

the mall didn't burn down entirely (like from the outside it looked fine). the ventilation system caught fire so it was more internal—ceilings and all that. covered things with soot(?) and ashes so the entire mall was closed for nearly 2 years. and hey, i've experienced a school fire too back when i was younger. i, too, thought it was nothing but a fire drill until i saw the charred remains of the buildings behind our school : D thankfully, no one died.

the new nct track is for a samsung commercial AHAHA it's funny because nearly everyone uses apple TT_TT and the mv screams neo culture tech tho (well as it should lmao). yes, i was talking about that part in hot sauce but yes, it grew on me too.

ateez really know how to do a performance. they put the standard so high for me when it came to performing. their facial expressions and overall stage presence just impresses me. it's been a while since i've seen idols draw me to them by those standards.

ah, the long stan list! good luck in getting through it and i hope you do have fun as you go :] (also you can check out aurora by ateez and whiplash by tbz. the songs popped up in my head as i was typing this reply, you might like them)

ohhhh, what was the pd48 scandal? i don't watch survival shows so i don't know any of the stuff going on. would you care to elaborate? about their disbandment :(( i hope you're okay now tho! are the other girls still debuting in new groups? anyone eyeing an acting career instead of being an idol?

YES, A PATTERN IN THE BIASES (if you count an analysis of two ppl as a pattern, that is.) because it's the same pattern i have for my biaswreckers :D jake & seungmin, not only do they have the same animal to represent them, they have the same 'golden retriever' type of personality that just makes you go all soft. ygwim ;n; i wish i could elaborate but both boys just devastate me in the same level and my friends pointed out that they were quite similar in some aspects.

jaemin used to send really long bbl messages :< like if there was anything he loved most it was nctzens and it was obv in his messages. speaking of dream, album repackage news today! idk what to feel bc my hot sauce albums haven't even arrived yet :D + i'm dead br0ke.

how do you even manage to read 30k TT__TT i cant handle long fics bc of my attention span :D also, yes, i found the user now, i'll check if i'll like their works soon. <33

YES YOU SHOULDVE BEEN THERE T_T what a day that was. i think seungmin is still sweet and active in bbl. not a single cent goes to waste with him. also i think i'll post the drabble some time this month.

and oml seungmin vs jake :o let's see how that goes O.O XDD

clickity-clackity AHAH do you have a mechanical keyboard? :c i wanted one too but i haven't got around to saving up for one. but yes indeed, typing asmr v relaxing \m/

sunny hyuck day, fullsun sunday, fullsunday T_T feels were very strong that day. i kept seeing edits on my twt tl and i would just s o b : D i've only stanned nct for a year but i've seen him grow so much i just wanted to crie i love him sm :') yk my mom didn't cook spaghetti for my birthday, but she cooked for hyuck's? : D

and i checked ur recs blog and indeed, full of nct T_T

also have i mentioned that your desktop thing amuses me so much HAHAH i got confused for a sec if i had twt opened or tumblr. plus, i've been wanting to mention that i noticed that our mobile themes are opposites. black and red, white and blue. it's cute XDD <3

help, people have been telling me that our asks are long but i highkey love it. i added a ‘keep reading’ for the mobile users though, sorry in advance hh.

honestly, both works. tiny font saves space but regular font does more justice for my poor eyes haha. its your call!

hybe comebacks :( yeah enhypen got lucky because they came back right before cb season so they got three wins (yay)! on the bright side, txt just got their first win and bts has six wins, so it all works out i guess. omg yes, the streaming thing is perfect. i stan like 20 groups so i have a never-ending cycle of filler mvs and its always so helpful. ooh for the final performances - you wont regret watching any of them! literally wild, kingdom's budget and talent are wild.

ooh, I don't watch any cdramas lmao. i want to but i can barely finish kdramas. if its a movie ill watch it! ive never heard of more than blue but ill check it out <3 where can i watch it?

yes yes i have just realized that sungchan is yujin's co-mc! i watched their special stage (which is literally adorable) and was today years old when i realized that the dude is sungchan pls. nct hollywood was so unexpected and i still have mixed feelings about it now. LMAO JUST ASIANS LIVING IN AMERICA...help. that would be interesting (?) but the concept reminds me of those horrendous awesomeness tv shows. lets hope sm pulls this off well and proves me wrong. lmao all 4 units coming back would probably happen, but i hope none of them get overworked :( i constantly feel like mork lee has four clones :'( also...sm filed bankcruptcy??? dang, what happened?

ugh omg yeah shotaros talent is seriously being wasted in the basement right now. as for fires, scary T-T i wasnt that fazed by them until the australia wildfires happened, and i learned about the consequences of fire and got really scared. its good that the entire mall didnt burn down though! although its weird that no one is opening it :( schools really need to tell us the difference between drills though, it might be dangerous for those rebellious kids.

yeah i just realized that the nct track is an endorsement which partly explains why i cant listen to it. the mv's visuals are stunning!! the set and people are so gorgeous aa i cant

oh yeah im not an atiny but i have acknowledged since 2020 that they have one of the best, if not the best stage presence and expressions on stage for 4th gen. i think their only worthy competitor would be stray kids actually. theyre truly one of a kind and all of them are cute especially that yeosang guy. i will definitely check out your song recommendations though!

oof the pd48 scandal is extremely complicated. to condense it in a few statements: all of the girls' rankings have been rigged since the very beginning and it was rumored that they already had their end group before the show even started. it was like this for pf48 and pdx101 (group x1) which was why x1 disbanded within a month of debuting, and izone were on hiatus for like 4 months. im not the best at explaining stuff like this haha, but i think you get it. you can check out yt or search up 'pd48 scandal', a ton of articles and videos. as for new groups, nothing has been made clear yet. theyve only made instagram handles for now and appeared on variety shows haha. as for acting career, hyewon was supposed to do acting but was forced to join pd48 so maybe she'll continue acting afterwards? nothing is confirmed yet!

lmao two similarities, its okay it counts. ah, true, i can see their similarities now that youve mentioned it, as well as how jeno is kind of like that. however, i am currently attached to jaemin so we'll see what happens from there hehe. i swerve easily.

jaemin on bubble grr, that would be a whole experience. from the bare minimum of vidoes ive seen for him wbk jaemin is so whipped for czennies. ah yes repackage! i saw the post on instagram and went to the comments to see everything screaming ‘iM bROke!’ and it was lowkey hilarious lmao. kpop is really trying to suck our money T-T.

ope the longest fic ive read is like...40k words i think? and it was by jeonginks. ill read anything eiko produces lmao, theres always so much substance in her work. ooh, tell me what you think of luvdsc’s stuff, i just finished binging their entire masterlist lmao.

seungmin vs jake yeah, i havent been catching up on skz enha content because im still obsessing over the dreamies but when that saga is over then im going to focus on my ults lmao (which might include dream soon, hehe).

yes yes i have a mechanical bluetooth keyboard that i use to connect to my computer! it literally sounds amazing lmao, its only 10am here but i feel like im going to doze off from the clickity clackitys already. i cant wait for you to get one! tell me when you do, we can match hehe.

hyuck is an aodrable brat please. hes like the best comedian of nct at this point, so hilarious and filled with variety i love him. he rose up my bias list pretty fast too. LMAO YOUR MOM IS SO COOL I LOVE HER ALREADY. if only my mom would cook for my ults’ borndays.

yes my rec blog is a mess right now, ill organize it soon haha.

omg thank you and yes my website theme is one-of-a-kind. even i get confused when i open it or edit it, and i constantly get comments about it. also i just realized our opposing theme colors and i love it! its adorable.

[yamlog]

12 oct 2019 (i have decided that in my remaining time i might as well just be all Dear Diary-ish and the lack of date/time in the formatting is quite alsdkfj. anyway, so here goes:)

dear diary (?)

i calmly explained my thoughts and my decision to a friend who’s been through similar struggles and for the first time there was no pushback, no ‘why are you so stupid’ or ‘why are you so dramatic’ or ‘why can’t you see the bigger picture’ or ‘i’m going to call your housephone and speak to your parents’, all of which don’t really help. the only thing she tried to do was extend the deadline from the dec of my 28th birthday till my 29th birthday, which i acceded to. there was the ‘uhh but 2.5 years is really short arh it’ll go by like nothing’, but other than that remark there was no judgement and no protesting or disapproval. and it soothed me, i guess, to be heard and accepted and not told that i’m doing something wrong. and i felt less alone, and just a tiny bit more understood. 

i told her about the book i was reading, and the injustices of a school system that failed a child who sought help. i think it takes a certain bravery to seek help. i don’t have it in me. i want to do this on my own, not because i am brave but because i am afraid and tired. i’m tired of feeling anything at all, especially of having feelings for someone i really really really really wish i didn’t have feelings for anymore. i want to turn it off like a tap but i just can’t, and nothing i do or he does can change it. he could become a serial killer or a woman-hater and i would still find myself unable to stop loving him. i think there’s something lodged in my brain that makes me unable to reason and rationalise my way out of attachment and emotions. nothing. i. do. works. i am tired of feeling erased - like the story he removed from his highlight - and discarded. and i am tired of feeling like everything is out of my control. i don’t think talking about it to an adult (as if i weren’t one) is going to fix my feelings. i don’t want to take pills and rely on them. i don’t believe that i won’t be reliant on them long-term, no matter what MR says. i just don’t believe it. if a tree can’t bear fruit because something is wrong at the genetic level, no amount of high-grade fertiliser is going to make it. 

and since i set the deadline, things have started to sharpen into focus. i have a list of affairs to settle, and things i want to do/ get done before i expire. 

the first being, i want to use the camera more, the crazily expensive vintage camera MR saved up really long for to buy me, which he then put in a wooden box with a coating and locks that he installed himself. it was a testament to how crazy teenage love can be, and i have done similar things in my time. but this is the best instance of me being at the receiving end. i took out the camera today, dusted it off, and loaded in a fresh roll of ISO800 film. i took a few shots downstairs when i sent my friend off. it feels good to hear that crispy click. it’s reassurance that the photo will come out right, that the settings were correct, that i didn’t mess up. i’ll take more especially when i am overseas, visiting my cousin. because it might be the last time i see her, if i don’t get a chance to visit again by my 29th birthday. it’s going to be winter time, and i can already recall how painful my fingers felt as they’re out in the cold fumbling with the even colder metal gears and knobs. i have also decided that once i can, i will sit down in my room and post everything that i’ve taken so far. i want there to be a clear demarcation between then and now. the photos that i have taken in the past, when i was happy and content, they Cannot and Will Not be mixed with the ones i have started taking today. there must be a line between pre-decision and post-decision, pre-break and post-break. it feels wrong and messy and unacceptable otherwise. there must be a line. i’ll get to it.

aside from this, i haven’t decided what else to sort out. i thought that maybe i should write those stories ive been dreaming up, the wacky ones that take place in singapore. ghost stories too. but try as i might, i can’t figure out a resolution. i feel like i should have the whole storyline in my head before i even start writing, so i can work towards an end. but i’ve also read somewhere that sometimes it’s better to let the story write itself. just start writing it, and then go with the flow. my fear is that i won’t be able to reach an end, and i’ll just keep going and going and going as the story grows and expands beyond my control. i guess i really fear losing control now. it’s just too much risk that i’m no longer willing to take. i guess i’m damaged, irreversibly. 

i want to make small zines and give them to my friends. i made one during invigilation, as part of inktober for my drawing twt acc. it’s made of scrap materials and i manually snapped a rubberband in half so i could use it to bind the scrap paper i poked holes in with my only pen at the time. we can’t really bring stuff to invigilation so i had to make do with existing trash on the table. 

--

hearing horror stories about teachers getting in trouble because of what they post on social media. ive been open about attending p*nkd*t and now i’m not sure if someone could dredge up a photo of me at the park from 4 years ago and use it to justify my unsuitability for the job. it really is a nightmare. and im not one to be paranoid, but i think i should be. 

long, long day tomorrow. my legs are battered and bruised all over and tomorrow it’s go time again. 

i tidied up some things i’ve collected in my bag - pieces of things from small gifts from friends that i had saved to stick into my journal. i arranged them on the page and stuck them down, it took about 3 minutes. as i worked, my friend said that she could never do that. do what? i asked. make things look nice so effortlessly, she said. she said she tried to bujo for six months but nothing she did turned out looking nice. it ties in with her drawing style. she said she wanted to participate in inktober, but she hates having to go over pencil with a pen, but at the same time she cannot bring herself to just draw with pen first. i’m not like that, i guess. i just draw with pen without hesitation, the same way i write or tape things down in my journal. it’s not bravery, it’s recklessness, i think. i recklessly commit all the time. i don’t think ‘what if i fuck up? what if i stick wrong and in the process of trying to remove it i end up tearing the paper?’ i don’t think, i just go. and if i make any mistakes i just work around it. draw over it, stick something over it, extend the line into a box or a part of a doodle. i’m meticulous when it  comes to some things, but completely not when it comes to creative expression. or with love either. i don’t backtrack, and i don’t think ‘what if i fuck up’ i just Go and give my 100% and love whatever’s there. i don’t think my approach is wrong. i think i need to look before i leap, but still leap. some things are fundamental to me.

my memory’s really bad today. my friend said it’s the shock and grief and crying, it affects your ability to retain information or remember things. even when im trying to remember what ia te for lunch just 10 hours ago, i have to struggle to remember. i ate downstairs. chicken rice, for the first time in ages. it was hard, taking that first bite, and i couldn’t finish half of my plate because i just felt so sick with grief my stomach protested when i tried to scrap up another spoon of rice. i made myself finish the soup. i think i’m still running a fever. it’s just the impact. i’ll be wobbly and insubstantial like a spirit for awhile. then i’ll come back, and solidify, i hope.