#well i think a relationship as fucked as this can contain multitudes…

[slavonicrhapsody]

I’ve said this many a time, but to be absolutely clear. I think it’s ridiculous to claim that rykard and radagon had a “good” relationship, like rykard has dedicated his life to tearing down everything radagon stands for, which speaks to something deeply rotten in their relationship. however I also don’t think it’s wrong to say that rykard and radahn might still in a way seek their father’s attention; their use of red on their soldiers’ plumes to indicate their “pedigree” could be them invoking radagon’s reputation as a respected warrior so that they might be seen as strong like their father. and you could also interpret rykard’s very deliberately public acts of blasphemy as a cry for any kind of acknowledgement, even if it’s negative… as if he’s so tormented by what his father thinks that he’s determined to become the thing he’d hate the most. and then radahn’s obsession with being a heroic warrior could be interpreted as a response to him not feeling worthy in his father’s eyes after being left behind and “replaced.” I think this is a relationship with a lot of nuance… we know radahn looked up to radagon as a “champion,” and if the children viewed their father as a role model then those feelings aren’t just going to disappear even after his betrayal, they’re going to become tragic and warped. I see their relationship with radagon as full of resentment and hurt and hatred, but deep down, they wish their father could be proud of them (a feeling that could go back even further if radagon always had an air of secrecy and distance around him while they were growing up). I think it’s very likely that after radagon left, rykard and radahn both had a kind of “why wasn’t I good enough for you?” response that they both ran with in completely opposite ways. basically I think their relationship with radagon is way more complicated than simply “they loved him” or “they hated him”

[lacrimosathedark]

I want Lian Harper to interact with and get close to Jason Todd for a lot of reasons. Their mutual childhoods as Gotham street urchins and growing up around superheroes (though they did that in like opposite order), they both died tragically at the hands of a villain, their deaths destroyed their parents, they were resurrected by unknown means with their memories fucked up, kept away from their family for years with only a dangerous mother figure knowing where they are, and are actually kindhearted despite everything.

But also, I want her to meet Cassandra Cain.

Like, think about what Lian could learn from Cass! They both have complicated relationships with their mothers who are renowned for their strength, mothers who adore their daughters and want to be part of their lives despite everything (who also contain multitudes of self-loathing yaaaaay). Mothers who also just happen to be also Asian, making them half-Asian and half-white. Not the same, Jade is Vietnamese and Sandra is Chinese, but still.

Lian hasn't had a lot of struggle accepting her mother despite her mother being what she is. Cass, however, has such a visceral disdain for killing that she rejects her mother. She doesn't really hate her, and has respect for her as a fighter, but wants nothing to do with her. And that conflict has, at at least one point, pushed Shiva to try to be better.

I think Cass could get Lian to truly face what Cheshire is, since no one else, Roy especially, seems willing to actually talk to her about that. And because she's in a similar position, she might be able to do it more effectively because Lian won't have to feel alone in it. Hell, Steph could join in too! Though her dad is...Not The Same (his crimes are much lesser but he also has never cared about Stephanie).

And maybe, if Lian realizes Shiva is trying to change, it might give her hope that rejecting her mom could get her to improve too. That maybe one day there'll be no reason to feel guilt for wanting to be with her mom. And we could have a somewhat functional divorced family dynamic rather than...yknow, This. That maybe one day she can actually be with her mom.

I also just love the idea that Lian could get along with Cass. There was this one point where a bunch of orphans were living at Titans Tower, and Lian was going through a phase of being very selfish and wanting her space and loved ones to herself, but the only other kid she could even somewhat tolerate was the kid that was seemingly selectively mute (they thought she was autistic but she was actually possessed sort of? it's a whole thing). So I feel like a more mature and selfless Lian would get along really well with someone like Cass, who relies on actions more than words.

And I actually just have this idea of the two of them dancing together. I love the idea of Cass forcing her brothers to dance with her, but imagine Cass dancing with Lian! Cass teaching Lian ballet! idk it's just adorable to me.

Yeah, "Auntie Cass" should be a thing I think.

[sarah-yyy]

What is clj and why are we watching it? (I ask even though I still haven't finished lltg😅)

ALRIGHT it's been awhile since the last proper rec post (and yes yes yes buddies i know i am late to the show i'm SORRY) so bear with me while i try to contain my yelling about cang lan jue (or, love between fairy and devil, which......as my sister put it, is about as low an english title as it can get 😂)

what: period cdrama // 36 eps, roughly 45 mins each where: netflix // iqiyi why: do you enjoy the soft sunshine gremlin/broody fight fight fight demon dynamic? this is the show for you 🥰

a brief overview!!!

this is my son dong fang qing cang, or, daqiang (affectionate), Moon Supreme™, mightiest in the three realms, who was unfortunately defeated in battle 30000 years ago and imprisoned for ~reasons

this sweet child xiao lanhua (lit. little orchid) is a low level immortal orchid spirit (fairy is ehhh, she's not exactly a 仙 but ehhh translations hmm) who accidentally (!!!) Frees The Monster™ from his prison while attempting to save this other boy she has been having a crush on

(the whole thing involves kissing - this is literally the first episode)

(this is not the only kissing we will get, dw)

the process triggers a spell and they??? switch bodies when they kiss??? which is hilarious because we get fun scenes with xiao lanhua in dfqc's body like

and

ANYWAY this is not the only side effect of their first encounter!! dfqc soon realises that he has been Cursed™ to a) feel any pain inflicted upon xiao lanhua physically, and b) share xiao lanhua's emotions!

him!!! an almighty being who has not felt one (1) single feeling since he had them literally ripped from his being (not by choice 😭) since he was a child!!! suddenly he's crying?? and feeling fear??? and getting hurt??? this is Not Okay!! he is the mightiest in all the realms!!! this is a weakness that he must rid himself off!!!

before he can figure out how to do this, the most prudent thing to do appears to be to have to protect xiao lanhua from all harm, and uh, doing whatever he can to ensure her emotional wellbeing and happiness??? dfcq goes from broody unfeeling demon lord to number one xiao lanhua stan (begrudgingly) the longer he stays around her

he literally went batshit to protect her and it was Amazing to watch!! god of war whomst??? can't hear you over me beating your ass to protect my girl

but it's not just that!! he's also going around reading through ancient scrolls to figure out how to best make an orchid plant grow/blossom well, and just. collecting dew water for her! making her (terrible) food!! taking to see the sunrise because it's good for her! daqiang contains multitudes!!!!

the entire time, because dfqc never really bothered with any explanation beyond "you belong to me", xiao lanhua is thinking: fuck, i accidentally freed a guy from prison and now he's in love with me?????

it's hilarious

ANYWAY that's the setup of the show!! obviously, there are some plotty things going on, and ofc it wouldn't be a good xianxia if they did not have go to the mortal realm to 渡劫 (i'm on this arc now and it's so funny too, i love it)! i'm only two thirds of the way through the show because tragically work is a thing that i have to do, but i have heard that there is Sads™ towards the end (although i'm told it ends well) and i'm looking forward to it!!

i personally am really enjoying this! things move along quickly in this show, and because they're pretty basic plotlines it doesn't take a lot of focus to watch! the sets/costumes are gorgeous, and dylan and esther are surprisingly good in this!! i've always been pretty meh about dylan outside of cvariety until now, but there have been scenes in this where he just blew me over. the pacing of the relationship is good as well, like i'm 2/3 of the way through and they haven't gotten together yet, but they're obviously fond of each other and slowly tipping across the line and it's just SO CUTE TO WATCH

please watch this so we can all suffer together, 11/10 would rec

[saintsenara]

what is your opinion about snarry?

thank you for the ask, anon - and thank you for the almost identical ask anon 2.0!

i have always been someone who dabbles in snarry, and it is certainly a ship with some astonishingly talented writers. most of the stories which have prompted me to cry and stare blankly into the middle distance have been snarry, and the ship also produces some really top-tier filth when it comes to smut. as someone who herself contains multitudes, i like that.

and i think it has a pretty solid justification in both harry and snape’s canon characters - although i’m certainly not trying to claim it’s canon-compliant as a relationship. harry adores the half-blood prince because they are sincerely intellectually compatible, because they have a similar sense of humour, and because they have a shared reactivity and emotional volatility. harry empathises with - and even respects, on some occasions - snape well before the conclusion of deathly hallows and, since one of the things which makes me a tomarry girly is harry’s instinctive understanding of how voldemort’s childhood affected him, that’s a trope i love in snarry too. post-war, i think they are one of the pairings best equipped to help each other deal with the trauma of having been - in many senses - a pawn, and i think that snape is, really, the only person in harry’s life who could ever come close to appreciating what it means to have dumbledore send you out to your near-death.

and i have no objection to any of the common criticisms which one might hear against snarry. i literally don’t care about the student/teacher dynamic or the age difference - both because these aren’t real people, because taboos are hot, and because the complexity of the relationship provides a really interesting look at the power differential in and of itself. i am often struck by a trope i find in snarry in which snape’s feelings for harry are accompanied by so much self-loathing that he offers harry the upper hand in their power dynamic despite the fact that he is the younger partner. as someone regrettably committed to student/teacher riddledore - in which the age-gap-related power dynamic is generally not reversed - i find this a fascinating way of exploring the characters both within and outside of a romantic context. after all, the canonical snape is also someone whose relationships with the main men in his life - dumbledore and voldemort - is defined by subordination, and, in dumbledore’s case, outright humiliation and shame. that the snape of canon regards harry as someone who possesses power over him - his complaints about harry being rich and spoiled and arrogant not only make clear that he considers harry to have inherited the dynamic he had with james, but also that harry is inherently an insider (financially, in terms of having a pureblood name, etc.) to the wizarding world while he is an outcast. that can cause some exquisite toxicity - especially when the wizarding world finds out its golden hero is getting railed by a tenuously-acquitted death eater - but it can also result in a partnership which is surprisingly beautiful. after all, harry likes to save people, snape would like to be looked after, they make it work.

i also don’t object to the lily thing, largely because - as someone who writes harry regularly fucking his parents’ murderer - it seems quite tame in comparison. but also, it draws out a fanfiction theme which i am obsessed with - that there is a lost generation, of which snape (and sometimes sirius and lupin) is the only survivor. this is something i prefer in snack - and in post-1981 snily - but it’s there in snarry too. snape provides harry with a connection to a world he would be a stranger to otherwise. harry provides snape with a nostalgic mooring when he is buffeted by the grief of being the only one of his teenage acquaintances still alive.

i also like the idea of snape - as harry’s boyfriend - and petunia meeting. fucking your enemy’s nephew is iconic, there’s no two ways about it.

but, with this said, they can never be my otp. the man of snape’s dreams is, as we all know, lord voldemort. the man of harry’s dreams is the same. the destructive power of that triad has the potential to destroy the world.

[sleepsentry]

for the ask game, number 8: unpopular fandom opinion(s) regarding gravity falls. also, love your work. ^_^

Thank you! ^^

Of course these are based on my assumptions about what's popular and these are takes I haven't seen around in the wild.

This kinda just devolves into a headcanon list towards the end. haha ^^'

OK so hmmmm oh boy there's a lot:

Gravity Falls is NOT the best thing ever it just had a bunch of really talented people working on it who made it super fun. But it's far from a golden standard and I don't think it should be held up as a standard, that idea is reductive and creatively stifling.

I don't like comparing Amphibia, Owl House, Duck Tales (2017), Inside Job and many others to Gravity Falls. The similarities are superficial and those shows shouldn't be living in Gravity Fall's shadow. They deserve to stand tall and cast their own.

On that note Alex Hirsch is just some guy and I don't like his stuff on its own that much. He's not that funny or interesting to me, but he is just some guy. Hope he doesn't turn out to be a shitty dude. *shrug*

Stanley is overrated (I love him but jeez guys. He's not that endearing.)

Rick and Morty x Gravity Falls is a terrible crossover, tonally, technically and thematically. (I also am just very unimpressed by rick and morty in general)

Stanchez is bad. Rick can eat my shorts. Stan "deserves better". Obviously the fan creations are good. But they don't change my mind about the base idea.

The stans both did nothing wrong ever and I love them deeply without comparing them. (joke I know they fuck up, but they fuck up together.)

Fiddauthor is mid and boring. It comes off as amatonormative and people overall are very exclusionary over it wich is just being a dick and using a ship preference to justify it. (I dont mean to be mean but yeah, you guys are doing fine you can take some salt.)

Ford and Fidd are more like siblings than a couple.

Ford and Fidd both dismissed eachother and the miscommunication was on both of them. (Similair to stan and ford it's no one character's fault)

Ford and Fidd's relationship has more emotional weight viewed through the platonic lense of fidds being older than ford by two or three years and "adopting" him as a "little brother" in college, and how that followed them into their 30s even when the age gap had long become irrelevant. Rather than just "gay sad nerds have marital issues" as fun as that sounds.

Fiddleford is a crazy, scary, adorable, kind, stupid, genuis. This man contains multitudes, I try my best not to flanderize him into one over the other. He can be all those fun things.

Fiddlestan is inherently more funny and compelling than fiddauthor. (To me, to me.)

Fillbrick wasn't the devil incarnate he was just a shit dad, wich fair enough is very bad. Haha (idk there isn't enough of him for me to truly hate and I'd rather not assume the worst, I deal with abusive parents enough in my day to day I don't need to add one to my fav silly show haha)

Billford isn't "toxic" it's too bizarre for that, and much is left to be inferred about both characters and their dynamic. (Again, assuming the worst instead of something more fitting and fun) It's obviously bad for ford but I thought everyone hated him when he isn't nice to stan or being shipped with fidds so it should be cool. (Sarcasm)

Dipper and mabel fuck up equally and mabel is generally more empathetic and aware of the world around her than dipper who hyperfocuses. (Been there pal.)

Mabel is more similar to Ford and Dipper is more similar to Stan

Dipper is a good boy but a bit on the boring side for me. He's fine. I like him well enough.

Mabel is more relatable to me, but I relate to dip's anxiety disorder so bad.

Dipper would NOT grow up to look like Ford. He'd look like shermy or stan.

Mabel would grow up to be bigger and broader than dipper. She'd also be the one to get glasses and look more like ford. She's already halfway there with the hair and jumpers (sweaters)

Jokes about ford failing to impress girls are cringe, heteronormative and bad. And ford doesn't like anyone. (Bill is his own can of eldritch worms)

Dipper doesn't like girls in the way he thought he should and that's why his crush on wendy played out the way it did, it was never really about her, it was about his relationship to her. How she helped him find someone to admire, and was kinda his first real friend who he felt was cool and understood him, heteronormativity made him think he liked her romantically. He so obviously didn't that it hurts my soul.

Mabcifica is underrated as hell and more interesting than dipcifica. That being said.

I do ship dipcifica but in a queer way. You guys don't get it. They're queer.

The cis/heteronormative takes where pacifica and dipper have children together and dipper looks older but Pacifica is just her kid face on a sexy lady bod make me uncomfortable.

And that's why Dipper, Mabel and Pacifica could grow up into a polyamorous "Vee" relationship. [When one person is dating two people who aren't dating eachother, in this case obviously cause they're twins. It forms a "V" from Pacifica to the Pines twins ^^]

What was this ask originally about?

[whatthebodygraspsnot]

✨ part two of Ian Wanting Mickey To Top Him Please ✨

words: 5,800 rating: e additional tags: canon compliant, late s10, (first time in relationship) top mickey, (first time in relationship) bottom ian, Communication Station, ian advocates for himself!, dom!mickey/sub!ian undertones, but some allusions to the other way around because i think they contain multitudes in the bedroom

summary: it's next time. for this all to go down, mickey only wants two things - for ian to talk, and for ian to breathe. guess which two things ian struggles with?

‘Next time’ can’t come sooner. 

And not just because Mickey’s trying to get his dick wet, but also so Ian can finally settle the hell down. 

He’s been moving around the apartment fixing shit. Tightening wobbly chair legs. Changing light bulbs. Stopping leaks that Mickey’s pretty sure he created just to fix. 

It’s not a meds thing - that shit’s real easy to differentiate.

It’s not a macho compensation thing - Ian’s not the type to feel emasculated enough about taking it up the ass to go around being all Tough Guy Mr. Fix It.

It’s nervous energy. Butterflies. Like that morning before he sprang his tattoo appointment to get Mickey’s name over his heart so they can match.

Same shit. 

So Mickey leaves him the hell alone and lets him work through it, with only minor teasing on his end. And that’s only because Ian can’t expect to be bent over the sink without getting his ass smacked into next Tuesday. 

Eventually, the tool box gets stored away and the sun drops below the horizon line and it’s Mickey’s turn to start making some moves, a candle in each hand as he posts up in front of their nightstand. 

He looks them over with a frown to the tune of the shower’s spray floating under their bathroom door. 

Lavender or rose. Two options. One’s for ‘calm the hell down’ time and one’s definitely for fucking. But shit, which is which.

The shower knob squeaks and Mickey brings the light purple candle up for a sniff, memories of sweatpants and laundry detergent and warm bed sheets. 

Nope.

He sniffs the red one. 

Has a That’s So Raven moment of Ian spitting and then shoving a ball gag into his open mouth.

Yep.

Rose, is it.

The wick is just catching fire off his lighter when the bathroom door opens, steam pouring out to blanket each of Ian’s squeaky clean steps like some sort of Renaissance painting come to life.

Mickey turns, taking in every inch that towel doesn’t cover with an admiring eye - the flex of bicep as Ian slicks his wet bangs back off his forehead.

God damn.

He whistles lowly, and it earns him a little amused eye roll on the way - the makings of a smirk - the candle forgotten entirely now that Mickey’s found something more important to pursue. 

He asks it through an intrigued grin - his approach to where his husband has stopped in front of their dresser. “All-a this for me…?” 

Ian doesn’t turn. “Maybe. If you’re nice to me.”

“That right…?” Mickey crowds into his space from behind, both hands snaking up to palm Ian’s ass through his towel and get a good grab. “All of it…?”

He can hear the thick swallow as it works down Ian’s throat.

Feels him pressing back, just a little, into Mickey’s hands.

Tastes the glow of his skin, still warm from the shower, as Mickey presses his mouth to his shoulder from behind.

But Ian doesn’t answer. He doesn’t say anything.

Until he does. 

“You know…we don’t gotta do this… If you don’t want...”

Mickey’s mouth stills, something in his brain flagging that immediately. 

He slips his hands up to Ian’s hips instead. Asks, but keeps it playful. Light. “Fuck are you sayin’ that for…?”

“Because we don’t? I’m not forcing us to do this, Mick.”

It’s an answer that’s too at-the-ready. Rehearsed too well. Compensation, and this time as a result of knowing too much. Ghosts from a time Mickey doesn’t ask about and Ian doesn’t share. 

Metaphorical quarter flips.

Mickey frowns. “Ian, you ain’t forcin’ us to do shit.” 

A beat of silence. “...okay.”

“You feel like you’re forcin’ us?”

“No?” Another beat. “I dunno?”

Mickey steels himself with a quick nod of commitment and then turns Ian to face him, because alright. This is about to get fixed here and now.

“Hey,” he demands, but it’s soft. And he only continues when he’s got Ian looking at him - connecting in the small space between them. “I been into this the second it came outta your mouth last night, alright?” And just to make sure he’s hearing him: “Alright?”

Ian nods, those big glossy eyes warming over. 

Just like Mickey’s aiming for. “Only person you’d be forcin’ here is yourself.”

The tiny huff of a laugh isn’t expected, but it’s music to his ears. And nothing can beat how Ian’s tone lowers with his ease back into Mickey’s space. “Well I’m definitely not forcing myself.” 

A contagious smirk. “No…?”

“Uh-uh.”

Their lips brush lightly. A tease, strung along into another tease. “You been thinkin’ about this all day, huh…?” 

Ian wraps his arms around him. Has, ‘what, like you haven’t?’ on his tongue - Mickey can practically taste it. But what he says instead is this. “I trust you.”

And how the hell is that getting Mickey going just as easily as dirty talk? 

Ian trusts him. To do this. To take care of him. 

Jesus Christ, this man.

When they lean back for a breath, Mickey slips a hand against Ian’s cheek, running his thumb over the corner of his mouth before giving him a gentle pat. “Go lay down,” he says. “Towel off.”

But Ian’s sneaking his mouth over to plant a kiss into Mickey’s palm before he can pull away. “Mm… Was kinda hopin’ you’d do it...”

It tickles Mickey’s hand. Warm lips against sensitive skin. “Ohh, so you’re lookin’ for the full treatment, huh…? That what you’re tellin’ me?” As if this hasn’t been his plan from the very start.

Ian must know it too. Because he’s Ian. Because he’s smirking, his hand gliding up Mickey’s forearm to hang onto his wrist, keeping that hand snug against the side of his mouth. He leaves another kiss without looking away. 

And really, how is Mickey supposed to deny that face? 

He lets Ian hang onto him, but hooks his fingers shallowly into the front of the towel with his other hand. It’s not to pull it open. It’s to direct him. To lead him on, their path to the bed a short one, but elongated by their slow steps. 

“Our candle…” croons Ian as they pass the flickering light.

Rose.

Melodramatically romantic.

Mickey hums in victory all the same. “Who loves ya…” And then he’s guiding them down onto the bed before Ian can answer. 

Because Ian doesn’t need to answer. As usual, his hands are speaking for him - reaching out to pull Mickey down on top of him.

When they kiss, it’s without a hurry. They take their time, letting themselves melt with the liquid hot wax that pools in the center of the candle’s glass. 

It’s the lead-up. It’s easy. Even with how Ian seems to think he’s hiding the fluster behind every drag of his lips.

He’s antsy. Time to get this started.

Mickey grinds himself down into Ian’s lap, testing the waters.

He gets a groan. Tilted hips. 

Good.

Mickey nips at his bottom lip. “Hard already…”

Ian nods in approval. Big hands pull Mickey back down onto his lap. To grind up into him. To prove it. 

He’s ready for more, and it’s got Mickey smirking. “You gonna let me eat you out…?”

A moment passes, lost in the upward sway of hips, and then Ian nods again.

It’s enough for the time-being - Mickey will accept it - but not without mentioning it as he starts making moves down his husband’s body. “Gonna need some-a these to be out loud soon.”

Because that’s how they do this shit. Both of them. No matter who’s checking in with who. 

And Ian knows that.

“Sorry.” His exhale is light-hearted though, as he tracks Mickey’s descent with a steadily craning neck. “Think I’m a little nervous…”

Mickey nods, because yeah. He gets it. And he gets that it’s not this next step he’s talking about. Getting his ass eaten isn’t new for Ian. But the motive behind it tonight is.

Mickey confirms it as gently as possible, “Yeah, think you’re a lil’ nervous too,” then lets the confidence steer them back forward. “But that’s why you’re gonna keep talkin’ to me. Right?”

Ian nods. Smiles with Mickey’s double eyebrow raise as he catches himself. “Right,” he corrects. Then, “Sir, yes sir.”

To his credit, he doesn’t fire off a salute like he usually does. But that doesn’t stop Mickey from shooting him a theatrically unimpressed blink, his smile too fond to hide as he wedges a hand between his hip and the mattress. “Flip your silly ass over.”

Ian follows without complaint, the bed dipping beneath their knees as he comes to settle on his elbows and stomach.

It leaves Mickey with a magnificent view of his broad, squared shoulders. His strong back. How it tapers into that waist he can’t help but frame with his hands, pulling Ian’s hips back until he’s on his knees like he wants him. Oh yeah. Definitely the best view in the house. And it’s only gonna get better.

Mickey slowly drags his hand down the curve of Ian’s spine, watching how he arches into it like a cat. “You look awwwful good like this, lover.” His other hand disappears underneath him, following along his waist until his fingers untuck the towel near his belly button. “One-a my favorite ways to look atchya…”

Ian takes a long breath in, and a long breath out.

Steadies himself on his elbows.

Waits, patiently, his stomach muscles fluttering under Mickey’s touch as it brushes over his abdomen, the towel left hanging open.

Any other night, Mickey would be milking this for all it’s worth. He’d be dragging this shit out. Teasing over Ian’s skin with light, unpredictable touches where neither of them can see.  

But tonight’s different. Ian’s already wound up tight, that much crystal clear with the way he eases back into him a little, voice quiet but not without purpose. “...Mick…”

It keeps Mickey moving in the right direction. No more detours. Just straight to the good stuff - easing the towel the rest of the way over Ian’s heated skin until it’s left forgotten on the edge of the bed.

Mickey wets his bottom lip, immediately getting two healthy handfuls of that glorious bare ass and indulging in a good squeeze. “There we go…” 

It’s got Ian working his knees apart a little, his cock hard and swaying between his legs as he exhales heavily.

Mickey inches his thumbs closer and spreads his cheeks and fuck, now this is the best seat in the house. 

“You know,” he supposes, “for a top, you got a real pretty hole…” how outdated that label is finally connecting for him at a snail’s pace. “Well,” he half-shrugs, “You know what I mean…”

By now Ian’s head has sunken below his strained shoulders in an attempt to bury himself, the redness that flushes the back of his neck telling on him anyway. “Mick…fuck’s sake…” 

And right. No detours. Straight to the good stuff. Even if making his husband blush is way up high on Mickey’s personal Good Stuff list. 

Fine.

The candle flickers with the sudden movement as Mickey leans forward to snatch their lube out of the nightstand. A thousand random things rattle around in the drawer, and it’s only when he finally lands on the familiar tube and turns toward the pillow that he sees it - Ian’s face peeking up at him over his propped up arm, those eyebrows furrowed just a bit too much for his liking.

Mickey pauses his search. “What’s the face for?”

It must come out too sudden, because Ian self-regulates at the blink of an eye. “Hm?”

“The face.”

But still he insists, brows furrowing for a different reason now. “Don’t got a face.”

Mickey could insist too. Could call him a liar. But that would be focusing on the wrong thing. 

“Hold up,” he says instead, pulling his hand out of the drawer. “S’posed to be talkin’ to me, ain’tchya?” Those eyes dart around, nowhere to hide. “You wanna stop?”

“No.” His answer is immediate. Pleading, almost. “I don’t-... Can you just...finger me open…? Instead?” 

Mickey searches his face. Processes. Finds it so much easier when Ian is actually looking at him and talking to him and spelling it out for him. “You want me to skip eatin’ you out?”

Ian swallows. Nods. “Just this time. I like it, just-...” He cards his bangs back where they’ve fallen over his forehead - nervous energy. “That okay…?”

And Mickey has literally never been more in love with him. “‘Course that’s fuckin’ okay.” Jesus Christ, this man. “S’always gonna be okay, Ian.” Whatever the hell it is.

Ian nods. Satisfied. Settles in a little more until they’re lying face to face on the pillow. “Can we do it like this…?” 

It’s got a smile pulling at the corner of Mickey’s mouth - the closeness and the comfort. “‘Course.”

How that comfort is slipping into something playful now, “Can I kiss you?” Ian’s insistent nuzzling forward getting that smile to bloom in full.

“Fuck yeah, you can.” 

It barely leaves his mouth before Ian’s kissing it out of him, nothing on the planet beating the feeling of that satisfied grin. 

Nothing, maybe, except for how he rests their foreheads together - a moment of grounding where he asks it, completely honest. “Did I do good…?” 

Because holy shit, does that do something crazy to Mickey’s heart. Something absolutely insane. “...yeah, darlin’,” he murmurs, “...you did good.” 

Because he did. 

Because he is. 

Because it ain’t a matter of convincing and coercion and coin flips anymore and he thinks Ian is finally fucking getting that.

Mickey shifts a little with the movement of Ian reaching around his back, bringing them both to the side and then returning them to the pillow without breaking their kiss. He only does so to say it, pressing something hard against Mickey’s chest. “...‘kay, now get me ready.”

Mickey looks down at the bottle of lube. 

Looks back up at his husband.

Yeah, he can fucking do that.

“And take your shirt off.”

The sudden bossiness has Mickey pausing his shift for a better angle. “Ain’t I supposed to be the one takin’ care of stuff around here?”

Ian doesn’t budge. “You want me to tell you what I want tonight, don’tchya?”

“Yeah.”

“Well I wanna see your tits.”

…alright. Clear misuse of what he meant, but you know what? Whatever. He’ll overlook that if it leads to a satisfied husband.

Mickey takes off his shirt, but he makes a big fucking deal about it, even letting out a huffy little, “Happy…?” when he lies back down.

But Ian doesn’t seem to give one single fuck about the attitude, his gaze gone dreamy as he takes in Mickey’s chest up close and personal. “Mhmm…”

Christ.

Mickey rolls his eyes, hand already reaching out to reel Ian in by the back of his neck because alright, that’s enough. And Ian’s smiling against his lips again. And it’s about fucking time he gets back to that whole No Detours business because as much as he’s learned to appreciate good communication and all that sappy shit, his dick is trying to learn how to appreciate something new too, if you catch his meaning.

So.

Mickey slides back into action without another moment wasted. Slips the hand he’s got on the back of Ian’s neck down past his shoulder…down over his side…down across the top of his thigh and then in between his legs, using the angle to part them so he can sneak his hand back where it needs to be.

Ian gets with the program despite his unwillingness to end their kiss. And yeah, it’s gonna be a little more awkward this way, but neither of them care, Ian bending his knee so his leg is propped up into a lazy triangle.

Mickey indulges in an ass squeeze. One for each cheek. Makes sure to spread the love evenly enough that Ian’s breath hitches in his throat as he takes a second to play with his balls.

“You ready there, sweetcheeks…?”

Ian’s answer is breathy but genuine, “...yeah…” spurred on by the easy pumps Mickey works over his cock. 

One…

…two…

…three…

With his other hand, Mickey fishes the lube out from between them and sets to work. He warms it in his palm. Spreads it over his fingers. Keeps Ian hard, as he reaches between his legs again and slips a slick finger down between his cheeks.

Another breath catches in Ian’s lungs. Anticipatory. 

Mickey’s fingered him before, but only a handful of times. Not enough for it to be familiar. 

So it’s expected - his little hip jerk - when Mickey circles the pad of his middle finger around his hole. It’s slow, but consistent. Not pushing it, but not backing down, either. He’s gotta get him used to the touch. There’s just something about the way he’s been acting tonight that has Mickey's mind made up on that.

But still. “Y’alright…?”

Ian swallows. Wets his lips. “Mhm…” Lets them part in another breath as Mickey teases a little pressure around his rim. “Oh…”

There we go. 

Mickey knows that ‘oh’.

That’s a good ‘oh’. 

He adds his ring finger beside his middle - not pressing in, just massaging over his hole until he’s ready. “Tell me when…”

It comes sooner than expected. Sooner than the other handful of times they’ve done this for him. But Mickey doesn’t question him when he hears it - “...m’ready…” - breathy as all get-out. Because he definitely sounds like it.

Mickey slicks his fingers up again. Makes sure they’re good and wet. And when he’s back into position, he slowly presses the tip of his middle finger into Ian’s tight, tight heat.

He can hear the strain in Ian’s lungs as he inches in. The tension.

Mickey leans his head back, and it’s just in time to catch how Ian’s letting out a sharp stream of air through pursed lips, his brow knit.

“How ya doin’...?”

Ian doesn’t open his eyes. “Fucking awesome…”

And maybe if it didn’t sound like he just took a bullet to the gut, Mickey would believe him.

A little more inside. “...‘member to breathe…”

“M’breathin’...”

“Not really though.”

Ian’s eyes finally fall open to fix Mickey with a look that’s unkind. But before he can fire it off, it’s melting into something heated - a well-timed stroke over the head of his cock that leaves him groaning.

Mickey uses it to his advantage, slowly working Ian’s dick to balance out the discomfort going on behind it all.

He reminds him one more time, “...keep breathin’…” and when he hears a nice big inhale, he starts to pump his finger in and out of him.

It plucks a husky “Hhho…” from Ian on his exhale, his brows still drawn together. But this time Ian keeps his eyes open. Keeps them straight ahead, only dropping to Mickey’s mouth to watch him breathe and fall into the pattern too.

“That’s my guy…” The praise has them both licking their lips. Eager for more. “See…? Doin’ good…”

Ian’s nostrils flare as Mickey starts to finger him a little quicker - nothing crazy, but enough to have those big hands coming up to hold himself steady on the sides of Mickey’s neck. It brings them in closer. Has their breaths hot between them. 

“How’s that feelin’…?”

Ian’s fingers press into his neck and it’s oddly grounding. “...g-... …gettin’ good…”

“Think you can take another here soon…?”

The way Ian clenches around his finger at the thought is instinctual, Mickey knows. But it’s also kinda sweet, in a weird sorta way. “Mm…” He’s working through it. “Mhm…”

On their nightstand, the candle’s flame crackles over burnt wick. It sets their shadow dancing across the wall. Huddled together. A mess of limbs and heavy breath.

“Keep going…”

Mickey’s gaze drifts back down to where Ian’s watching him a few inches away, all heavy eyelids and furrowed brow. “Yeah?”

He gets an easy nod. A thick swallow. Those eyes, tracking him as Mickey pulls out, circles around Ian’s slick hole, and then slowly sinks both his middle and ring fingers inside him without stopping.

Ian’s back straightens on a dime, his face scrunching up into a wince and-

“We’re breathin’, remember?”

Those big green eyes flutter open. Lips draw together to force out another sharp stream of air, even through his wince.

“There ya go…”

“Fuck…”

Mickey stills his hand, just letting Ian adjust for a second to the fingers inside him. “Talk to me.”

“F-...” Another sharp breath. “…forgot how weird this shit feels…”

And Mickey can’t help but grin because yeah, he used to think that too. A long-ass time ago. “...‘bout to get real good here soon… …you remember that...?”

Ian huffs out a wary laugh and it’s endearing as fuck. “We, uh-... Let’s skip to that part…”

Cute. “Soon,” he assures, nosing forward on the pillow. “Don’t wanna hurt ya…” And then he starts up a slow pulse of his fingers. 

Ian’s mouth drops open and Mickey swallows up his breath. His broken groan. Licks into him and glides over his tongue and pumps his fingers with a little more urgency, swallowing all those noises too.

His other hand strokes over Ian’s cock as an afterthought. Lazy now. 

Because soon Ian doesn’t need the distraction anymore. He’s falling into it… Taking it easier…  Rolling his hips, just the slightest bit, with the rhythm that Mickey fucks his fingers into him.

His hands slide down Mickey’s neck, warm and holding onto his shoulders with more purpose now.

“How ya doin’...?” Mickey asks again. Because there’s a distinct lack of wincing happening in that face over there. “Better…?”

Ian lists forward, pressing their foreheads together. “...fucking better…” he approves.

And it inspires Mickey in more ways than one. “Yeah…?” He slips his fingers all the way out to tease around his rim again, “How’s this?” and then sinks them both back inside.

Ian’s mouth drops open, a moan tumbling out of it that catches both of them by surprise.

“Ahh,” Mickey grins in discovery, his own horny swoop hitting deep in his belly. Fuck, if that’s not a tasty-ass noise. “Likin’ that, huh…?”

He does it again. Slips his fingers out and then fucks them back into him. Pulls out and fucks them back in.

Ian’s back straightens, his hole clenching around him as he fights through the sensation. “Shit-… …ohhh shit…”

And Mickey knows exactly what he means. Knows exactly how good this feels - firsthand. That blissful first sink in, but over and over again. 

Apparently there are perks to fingerfucking your own self for years. Who’d have thought he’d be using it on his husband?

Mickey hums to himself, taking in said husband’s face as he uses his free hand to card his damp bangs back for him. 

Gorgeous.

“Look awful good like this too, ya know…” Creased brow. Fluttering lashes. “Gonna look even better on my dick, though…”

He presses his fingers all the way inside and then curls them, delighted with how Ian falls into him again with a shaky groan. 

Bingo.

“You want that…?” Their noses bump as Ian aimlessly nods, but that’s not good enough for this. “Mm…?”

“Yeah…” There it is. Hot against his mouth. “...fuckin’ want that…”

Mickey’s body flushes with heat. Anticipatory. “Then you gotta do what I tellya to do.”

“...‘kay…”

“Gonna do that for me?”

“Yeah…” He’s going under a little. Chasing after a kiss without closing it. “Yeah baby - okay…”

And as endearing as that is - as much as Mickey’d love to just lie here and melt him down into a little puddle of goo - he’s got a job to do. So he chases after the kiss Ian’s been half-assing and seals it, making it good and long to make up for how he slips his fingers out.

And when he get his hands back on him, it’s so he can flip them over, the room swirling around them until Mickey pins Ian to the mattress on his back.

It’s a headrush that brings Ian’s floaty ass back down to earth a little. Has him blinking up at Mickey, pupils blown in those big ol’ doe eyes.

Fuck. He never thought he’d say this, but Mickey absolutely cannot wait to fuck him stupid.

He nods upward, “Toss me your pillow,” waiting patiently for Ian to process before catching it. 

He wedges it under Ian’s ass. Lets him situate himself down there while he situates himself up here in as few steps as possible - boxers off - lube open - kneeing back into place just as Ian settles too.

The lube pools cooly in his palm before he brings it down to stroke over his cock, and Ian is watching every second of it. Carefully. Breath picking up just a bit too quick and not quite the way it should.

Ah man…

“I gotchya, Big Guy,” Mickey assures, leaning forward to bring it in close. He bumps their noses together in a playful nudge, satisfied when Ian does it back. “You know I gotchya…” 

The kiss Ian presses to his lips is long and a little bit desperate - nervous energy. But then he lets Mickey pull back, watching as he slicks himself up more and then works some over his hole until everything is damn near dripping. 

Mickey’s not taking any chances. 

The bed creaks with his shift to wipe one hand dry, keeping that eye contact as he lines himself up with the other. “What am I gonna say…?”

Ian swallows loudly, his chest rising in preparation despite his huffy laugh. “Breathe,” he answers. 

Mickey grins, bottom lip caught between his teeth as he slips the head of his cock over that pretty hole. “Mm-hmm…” Back and forth... Up and down… A tasty buildup. 

And Ian is eating all of it up. Watching, mouth hanging open, breath coming quicker. He wets his lips and keeps watching and wants it. Truly. Mickey can see the hunger in his eyes behind all the nervousness. 

So when he asks it, “You ready for me…?” 

And when Ian answers, just hanging on, “Yeah... Wanna feel you…” Mickey knows it’s the goddamn truth. And that makes it all the sweeter when he finally gives it to him, tilting his hips forward and slowly sinking into Ian an inch at a time.

And fuck… 

“Shit, Ian…” he tries to stay steady, “...keep breathin’ for me…”

Because Ian is tight. 

And Ian is not breathing.

Mickey leans forward until they’re face to face again, hips stilled, and it’s enough to get those eyes open and on him like they should be. 

Ian draws in a shaky breath through his nose. Breathes it out in time with Mickey and it’s even shakier. Trembling, his brows furrowed tight as he adjusts to being filled for the first time in years.

“You okay?” Mickey gets out, satisfied enough with how Ian doesn’t look away when he nods that he says, “Li’l more…?”

Another nod.

Grip tightening.

Mouth dropping open for the breath that won’t come as Mickey inches in more and more. 

But his eyes stay open this time, locked onto Mickey like he’s his lifeline. And honestly Mickey needs it just as badly because Ian is fucking tight… He doesn’t know where the fuck he’s finding this self control right now, holy shit.

“Almost there…” 

Just a few inches more.

The heat is rushing through his body and uncurling in his belly and when he bottoms out, it’s with a groan from the back of his throat, his head hanging for a moment in a wild attempt to compose himself. “Fuck you feel good…”

Because Ian may not have bottomed for years, but Mickey hasn’t topped for just as long and fucking god…

The fact that it’s him…

The fact that it’s Ian…

A bitten off groan floats up from beneath him. 

And Mickey gets his shit together real quick because this isn’t about him. This is about Ian. The Ian who’s looking up at him right now like he needs something to happen but he’s not sure what he needs to happen and-

“Gonna move,” Mickey decides, waiting for Ian’s almost whispered ‘...‘kay…’ before slowly easing himself out.

But he’s still watching. Noting how the sensation has Ian’s brows furrowing again. How the tight, unfamiliar sinking in has him regulating his breaths - quick ones - out through pursed lips like he apparently loves to do.

“Mmhmm,” Mickey encourages, “doin’ good…”

And when he bottoms out again and presses in deep, Ian’s head is collapsing back into the pillow, his voice strained as he groans it out, “Fuu-huuck…”

It’s cute enough that Mickey would make fun of him for it, if he wasn’t in such a vulnerable state right now. So, “Talk to me,” he says instead.

Ian keeps his head pressed back, “Fuck…”

“Mm-mm.” 

“Full…” he chokes out, and that’s better. More what they’re looking for.

“That right…?” Mickey’s grinning and he knows it - falls into the role easily, despite never taking a gentle topping approach until now. 

Because right now, gentle is fucking tasty. ‘Gentle’ means slowly rocking his hips and eating up how Ian’s head flies back up to find him with glossy eyes. To hang on. To work through the hyper-sensitive feeling of Mickey fucking him for the first time.

Ian’s lashes flutter, his lips parted to speak. But only breathy, suppressed noises fall from them. Like the pleasant surprise of it is leaving him breathless. All Mickey can make out is his lips wrapping around an airy, silent “...oh…”

Fucking gorgeous.

“Toldya you’d make pretty faces on my cock…” He was was right on the fucking money with that.

Ian’s eyes roll to the back of his head before they’re slipping closed, and something tells Mickey it has nothing to do with what he just said.

Because his head’s collapsing back too. His grip is loosening and he’s swinging an arm around Mickey’s neck, his breaths falling into cadence with each time that he’s filled up. 

Mickey’s hum is sly. “Oh shit…” He knows that transition like the back of his fucking hand. The warm, heady slip from burn to pleasure. “Someone’s finally feelin’ it…”

Mickey rocks his hips in quicker and it’s a direct response - immediate heat, a ragged moan falling from Ian’s mouth - “Oh-... Fuck-...” Like it’s a surprise again.

It’s something Mickey’s never heard out of him before. In all these years. Ian’s loud when they fuck, but never quite like this. And damn, if he isn’t about to chase after each and every one.

The bed frame creaks under their sway, Mickey picking up the pace, waiting for the response and there it is. There’s the moan. There’s Ian trying to maintain, draping his other arm over his eyes to hide in the crook of his elbow.

But Mickey wants to see.

He wants to take all this in. Bask in it. 

Ian lets him ease his arm away from his face. But he doesn’t open his eyes. “Fuck, Mick…”

And Mickey wants to see. 

Wants to hear what’s going on in his head.

“Look at me…” He’s breathy too. He’s all matched up with Ian now. Punctuated by each roll of his hips. 

And when those eyes open, they’re so dark that Mickey can see the candlelight flickering in it.

“...s-... …so fucking good…” Ian murmurs, heavy lids slipping closed again as he wraps his other arm around Mickey’s neck. “...knew you’d do it good, Mick… …fucking told you…”

It sends a pleasant shudder up Mickey’s spine. A surge of pride through his core.  Sets him chasing after it again, fucking into Ian a little harder and a little tighter and-

“Shit…!” Ian’s so hot when he’s this breathy. “Oh-... Oh shit...”

He cranes his neck forward, brows knit and lips parted as he looks down where their bodies meet. Where Mickey’s fucking into him. 

Mickey grits through a particularly killer horny swoop that’s threatening to blow his cover. Concentrates, instead, on the free entertainment of Ian watching them fuck, looking up at Mickey like he can’t believe it’s happening, and then collapsing back onto the pillow with a haggard exhale.

“Fuuuck…” he breathes out, “so hot…” 

And he’s right. It is hot. 

But what’s hotter are those noises Mickey’s fucking out of him, and he’s determined to pull some more before they’re through here.

Mickey drops down to hover over Ian again, fighting back a grin as his husband wasted no time in hooking both arms back around his neck. 

Good. He’s gonna need it.

“Hang on, tough guy,” he murmurs against his mouth. And the rest is goddamn history. 

It’s like clockwork - Ian straightening under him - breath punched out of him - mouth dropping open in shocked silence for a second and then-

“Oh-...!” There he fucking is. There’s that pleasant surprise - high and breathy and choked out. “Fuck…! Mick…!”

Mickey swallows it all up. Nice and greedy. Snaps his hips and goes for the big finish because he can feel it all building - feel it all coming to a head inside of him. 

When he reaches between them, Ian’s hard as a fucking rock and all it takes is a couple strokes - “Fuck fuck fuck- Mick-” - before he’s coming all over Mickey’s hand with a groan that won’t stop until Mickey’s hips do.

But his orgasm has him tightening around his dick and Mickey’s a goner anyway, just barely pulling out before it all tips over.

He cums on Ian’s stomach - hard - his whole body trembling in a way it hasn’t in a long time. And for a moment his vision goes blurry as hell. Hazy Ian and hazy candle light and hazy hands moving up at him to hold him steady.

But when it comes to, he’s back in it. 

Catching his breath with the best of them.

Taking in the absolute, undeniable satisfaction in his husband’s loud exhale - his little eyebrow raise as he looks at Mickey. “...fuck.”

It’s got that pride swelling inside him again. Has him grinning.

“And that,” Mickey says through labored breaths, “...is how it’s fuckin’ done…” 

He reaches for the towel on the edge of the bed, but he only gets it draped over their mess before he’s getting reeled in by the back of the head, Ian’s long-ass arms holding him steady for a long, steamy kiss.

Mickey considers putting up a fuss but melts into it instead, his pulse getting no chance in Hell to recover.

When Ian pulls back, it’s with glossy, adoring eyes, his smile too soft for the heat packed behind his tone. “God, I fucking love you.”

Mickey fights down a smile and loses. Slips a hand up to cup Ian’s cheek, knowing full well he’ll pull it down to press a kiss into his palm. “Love ya too…”

He’s just gonna have to up a little more on his cardio, is all.

A small price to pay.

[happi-tree]

For the ship ask game hmmm... 😌 Well I already know you're not very into gothcleats but perhaps that one anyways! Otherwise... 😆 Ahaha can I ask a few?? How about hencedes, glennry, sparrow/nicky, and nark? No worries if you don't feel up for doing all of them! 💜

Hi, Bababird! Hope you're having a beautiful day 🖤🖤🖤 And yes ofc I can whip up some gothcleats for you! And the other ones!!! I am always willing to provide my silly little thoughts 😌

Alright (ha), as promised: gothcleats time!

Honestly? I don't mind it! I think there's a lot of fun parallels and intertwining themes to be found in their extant relationship, and I definitely enjoy looking at the cute fanart I've seen of them on occasion. I probably would ship it if my lesbian Scary hc wasn't so real to me! I would absolutely adore seeing them in a qpr though - I actually really like the idea of the teens all being in a qpr together. Nobody comes between Scary and her boys 😤😤😤 Nonetheless, Link and Scary have such an interesting dynamic and I feel like it's very much been a highlight over the past few episodes - I mean, Link breaking the anchor of love as an act of solidarity with Scary? Link refusing to let Scary go even as she Eldritch Blasts him? The genuine fear in Scary's voice when she thinks she might've killed Link??? It's so much, truly it is. I'm SO excited for whatever Matt and Beth have planned with their characters going forward, and while it's not my personal cup of tea romantically, I truly do love the gothcleats relationship!

Okay next up: Hencedes!

HENCEDES T4T BI4BI COUPLE OF ALL TIME!!!! NON-NEGOTIABLE!!! They are truly so much if I think about them too hard I will start crying!!! Everything about them is so fucking sweet and lovely and truly. Relationship goals fr!!! They're so strange and bizarre separately and even MORE strange and bizarre together and their devotion to each other is so so so very precious to me. Like. Their story makes me so unhinged actually I am so glad they exist. Mercedes really truly takes all of Henry's oddities in stride and he does the same for her,,, their cute little nicknames for each other,,, they would lay down their lives for each other without a second thought and I love them so much for that. I want nothing but happiness for them forever and ever and ever ok (looks pointedly at the current state of s2). I am a Hencedes stan first and a person second thank you <333

Okok next: Glennry!

In case you haven't realized. *Slaps "HUGE MULTISHIPPER" sticker on my forehead* like yourself, Baba, I also contain multitudes 😌 Anyway Glennry is SO fun to rotate around in my head, personally. I think they could learn quite a bit from each other as partners - with Glenn, Henry could get a bit more in touch with his rebellious side, and Henry could help Glenn in his struggles with emotional vulnerability. Their friendship works well as is in canon, obviously (well, s1 canon since we're not entirely sure what's going on with s2 Henry yet), but the potential of them as romantic partners is so great and so fun! They should kiss. For funsies. At least to piss off Bear Ry'Oak, if anything else <3

Up next: Sparrow/Nicky (/Spark/lovesong/highjinx/whatever other fun names exist for these two)!

And if I told you Spark was my latest obsession. What then. Literally I have been losing my mind over them for the past few days (thanks Nyx and Ivy <3) and I show no signs of regaining normalcy anytime soon!!! I just think there is SO much potential for exploring a romantic relationship between the two of them - or even something like a qpr, if you wanna go the Sparoace route! Literally could not get to sleep last night because I was thinking about them so hard. Similarly to Oakworthy, both Nick and Sparrow have such deep-seated issues regarding identity - Sparrow seems to define himself by being half of a matched set and doesn't really let himself be anything other than the Sparrow part of Lark-and-Sparrow. Nicky, of course, has. Gestures at the entire latter half of s1. And I think that if anyone can understand what either of them are going through, it's each other - and maybe they can just exist together. Without labels or expectations - not Nicholas, Jodie's son, or Sparrow, the more stable twin, or Nick, Glenn's son - just being Nicky and Sparrow and maybe also being in love. I also just think the imagery of it is wonderful - druid and demon, summer and winter, life and death, plant life and fire. Real Hades-and-Persephone type shit, which I personally love to see!

And lastly, finally, Nark!

So sorry to all the Nark stans out there but Sparrow/Nick has so thoroughly taken over my brain. I do love the idea of this ship - not only the aesthetics (hehe the demonic savior and the fallen angel), but the tragedy of it all - how the love may have been there, and in another world it may have been enough, but that world isn't this one. I have read many a Nark fic and I'd be hard-pressed to find one I didn't like, but it's not my go-to ship, personally. On another note, though, I do think Nark has some hilarious comedic potential as well - especially when paired with other ships like Sparrow/Cassandra (thank you tumblr user llumimoon for that particular piece of fanart - you know the one, I'm pretty sure you still have it pinned, Baba). But yeah! Fun ship - not my personal fave, but one that's very, very neat to pick apart and analyze!

Annnnnnnd I think that about wraps up my thoughts - for anyone who read this far, I'm giving you forehead kisses /p because that was A Lot. Thanks for the ask, Bababird!!! 🖤

[kitausuret]

FOR whenever you reblog the “choose violence” ask game at the end of the month: Answer the questions in sequence order of MK’s grocery shopping trips in March

This was asked of me like literally a month ago but I kept scheduling the post for later and later. But here we go.

1. The character everyone gets wrong

(Spectacular Spider-Man #151, Conway & Buscema)

Well, this isn't hard - obviously my answer is going to be Flash Thompson. I don't know why it's apparently so difficult - he's not really that complicated of a character. Not compared to a lot of Marvel mainstays. But so many people either make him JUST a bully or JUST a hoo-rah America military man. And by that I mean both fans and canon writers. But Flash contains so many multitudes! He's worked in schools, he's a mentor, he's a coach, he's charisma incarnate, he has so many ways he can help people. And I love him.

3. screenshot or description of the worst take you've seen on tumblr

Uhhh I'm not gonna do this with an image because I don't save these kinds of things lol. But I did once see a long post (and I mean lengthy) describing in detail - mind you, withOUT actually giving any canon evidence or issues or really anything to back up their argument - why Eddie Brock nor the Venom Symbiote should ever be shipped with anyone else, ADDITIONALLY stating that if you were to, say, add another person to that relationship, that you fundamentally are misunderstanding the whole point of """"symbrock"""" and, largely, Venom as a concept. Uh-huh. Okay.

Hilariously, after I saw that post, it stuck with me but it also spurned me into such a RAGE that I cranked out a massive new chapter of my fic in the space of about two weeks after being stuck for months. It worked, but boy I was so mad about that. I took that kinda personally. Insinuating that I didn't understand Venom. That I didn't understand Eddie Brock. Bull fucking shit.

Anyways,

4. what was the last straw that made you finally block that annoying person?

I don't remember specifically the last person I blocked that wasn't a bot, but I do know that I will block people in the Flash Thompson and Harry Osborn tags at the drop of a hat. ...oh wait! I do remember the last person I blocked. They had some octogoblin thing they were going on about but they had put it in the Harry tag. I didn't wanna see that. So. Blocked!

10. worst part of fanon

Wow, loaded question. Probably the racism. And the misogyny. Both of which are still rampant! It's something I, myself, am still trying to work on, so it's not like I'm excluded from my own frustration. But I think what's even worse is people who pretend like it's NOT a problem, that fandom is a magical problem-free space.

I'm also just now realizing that the question says fanon and not fandom but I think my statement still stands. To try and actually answer it though, uhhh I think the worst thing about fanon is when it literally becomes canon. Stop doing that, Big Two.

16. you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc)

I wanna talk about something here but I don't wanna scandalize too many of my followers. Actually you know what fuck it I'm gonna talk about it anyways. (mpreg mention below the cut)

I don't understand why so many people in the Venom fandom make fics where the host (Eddie, because nobody writes about anyone else) is the one going through the gestational cycle when there is a new spawn rather than the symbiote. It is literally so much funnier and also makes so much more sense to make the symbiote the pregnant one. "but kita it's can-" SHUT UP THE SYMBIOTE WAS THE PREGNANT ONE (it's called "choose violence" asks for a reason 💖)

24. topic that brings up the most rancid discourse

Uhhhh see above! Racism. Misogyny. Possibly lesbophobia. Mostly for the denial of it all. But I also find a lot of ship discourse nonsensical. If you don't like it, just block! Mute! Filter! It's literally that easy.

30 doesn't exist so I will. Idk. I will give you a panel from an issue labeled 30. Let's go with Venom #30 (Bunn, Silas) and this very funny moment of the symbiote flirting with Valkyrie. 😂

[druidgroves]

georgiamac brainrot under the cut. y'all know how it is.

1. this gun for hire

ohhh maccready. you're much more than that and you've got a big storm coming.

2. just here for the paycheck

which is what he tries to tell himself in the beginning. he does think georgia's dedication to the minutemen is a bit silly, a lot more morally righteous and "do no harm" than he's used to (little does he know that georgia is a "do no harm but take no shit" kind of person), but she pays well, she's consistent, and keeps it fair.

3. calling someone by their last name is the best way to flirt, actually

georgia almost exclusively refers to him by his last name, so this comes into play a little more once she allows herself to be a little flirty.

4. a ship dynamic that's less of an "italicized 'oh' moment" and more of an "italicized 'ah fuck' moment"

this is pretty much mac's reaction once he realizes he's got it bad for georgia. it snuck up on him and when it's finally staring him in the face he is very distressed by it for multiple reasons. he worries if it'll change things between them, feels a little guilty upon realizing he's slowly moving on after lucy, and fears that georgia won't return the feelings...

5. yes yes i do like you. i am afraid to write the stronger word.

...so he represses them. his "oh i never thought about that" line in his romance in this instance basically means "i wouldn't let myself think about that." on georgia's end, she's got all sorts of mixed up feelings thanks to how her relationship with nate went. is she allowed to move on? should she even be worrying about this when she's trying to find her son? she can't keep her emotions hidden for very long, but she'll allude to them in this case.

6. when i'm with you the line between 'friends' and 'lovers' blurs and i don't care which side i end up on as long as you'll have me

their whole relationship can be squarely defined as friend to lovers. potential spoilers for BLP, but i don't have them planning to outright tell each other their feelings until right before georgia goes to the institute for the first time (subject to change, but probably not). so they have a looooot of time in that will-they-won't-they area, both afraid to make the first move, but knowing that whichever way it goes, they still want to be at each other's sides.

7. i don't know. i mean, we're two sides of the same coin, right?

there it is ! one of my favorite lines in his romance. both are widowed parents trying to do right by their kids while also trying to survive by themselves at the same time. even before they get to know each other, without even knowing, they already understand what the other is going through.

8. please never leave / where would i go without you?

mac basically says it out right, we know he hates being alone, so once he and georgia get close and develop feelings, he really doesn't like being away from her if he can help it. really, he's worried something bad will happen to the one person in the commonwealth that took a chance on him who he's already invested so many feelings into. for georgia, she already decided long ago that mac was her partner (in the platonic sense of the word, to start) and she doesn't see herself going anywhere without him. she wouldn't want anyone else by her side.

9. i am better than i was; i will be better than i am

i am firmly of the opinion that despite him being a little shit mac wants to be a better person (he contains multitudes). it's why he lied to lucy about being a soldier, why he left the gunners, and why he's trying so hard for duncan. why would he lie if he didn't want lucy to think better of him? why would he leave the gunners if what they do wasn't "catching up" to him? why would he fight tooth and nail to save every cap he could for his son? why do all that if you didn't want to be, or at the very least be perceived as, a better person? working with georgia and the minutemen (as well as the railroad later on) kinda give him that push he needs to really decide what kind of person he wants to be.

10. there's good in this world, and i found a little bit of it in you

after first leaving vault 111, georgia was convinced the world was past saving and that she was never going to find shaun. she thought the world was cruel and without mercy. but then she found so many people, mac included, who proved her wrong. for mac specifically, she caught on that he wanted to do better and in doing so, she found another spark of good in the world.

[anubisisms]

🎙️, 💥, 🕯️and 🤍 for the ask game? :3c

Ahhh you spoil me with all your questions <3

🎙️which one of your fics would you like someone to make a pod-fic of? I really like podfics as a medium in general, so I'm always very flattered and happy when people offer to podfic my works. If I had to pick one though, I'd probably elect no grave can hold my body down. I adore that fic, and I'd love if it was available to an even wider range of people!

💥find your least kudos'd fic - say something wonderful about it. Exempting my CSS formatting guide fics - my lowest kudosed work is an old, unfinished fic I decided to post up to AO3 (on anon, woops) since I was never going to finish it, but hey, I wrote about 70k for it, why not share it anyway. I didn't really post it for any attention, so I feel quite fine with it having barely any kudos (to date, it has 23, which is about 21 more than expected). I really do still love that fic! I think my grasp on original characters in it is really good, and the internal voice for the main character is also, I think, done quite well.

🕯️was there a fic that was really hard on you to write, or took you to a place you didn't think it would take you? My fic in any universe, which was a collaborative effort with the amazing Lilly_Penwielder for an event, was harder to write than I thought it would be, but in a good way: I'd never really written a collaborative fic before, so it was a new experience for me to trade off writing different sections of fic. I always tend to struggle a little when I get challenged on where I think a story should go, but the back and forth Lilly and I got to do was great. Definitely taught me a lot about what is required for collaborative writing. It was a very positive experience, and I'm very glad I did it!

🤍what's one fic of yours you think people didn't "get"? Ha, two come to mind; no grave can hold my body down, and Widowmaker tend to be the most misinterpreted fics of mine. The former, because people don't always seem to grasp that the relationship between Shouto and Touya is supposed to be dependent, full of guilt and misplaced blame, and generally fucked up. The weird energy borne of extreme shared trauma is the point. For Widowmaker, it's more the general themes that go over people's heads. I made no attempt to hide that most of the characters are morally grey; there is no good guy and bad guy, because hey, we as people contain multitudes. More people than I would like seem to offer Rei unconditional support and 'hero' status anyway. Not really the point of the fic, but eh, some people are always bound to only read at the surface level. It doesn't bother me too much anymore, though it definitely used to.

Thank you so much for the questions Nerd, love ya <3 <3 <3

[blood-bound]

2, 7, 10, and 24 for mark in terms of that ask meme! < 3

What's something about your OC that people wouldn't expect just from looking at them?

oh literally so much like he projects that Persona so hard. like you can pick up on how he's a pretty kind person overall (look ignore the ruthlessness i just spoke about. he contains multitudes) after a few convos but he looks Tired and Severe so you wouldn't guess that. you definitely WOULDN'T guess he is a HUGE romantic and believes in like True Love and shit - NOT a academic professor vibe thing to do at all. NERDDDD. you have to go through like 5 layers of him to get to that point like only a romantic partner is gonna know this - and this is one thing he is aware that he hides consciously lol so its hard to even get hints at it. Ough. fucking. love him.

-

What's one way your OC has changed since you first came up with them?

Oh god its less that he changed and more that he Formed cause he's my first proper OC so i didn't have a lot worked out. I do regret not giving him subterfuge at the start cause i think he should have been decent at lying and also i wish he WASNT SO GODDAMNGULLIBLE but thats my fault for Rping that way. oh well. he is more pathetic now. and instead of lying about who he is, he is just Unaware OR avoids the topic so ppl dont know. the dot he has in subterfuge is one i bought after the game started like 8 months in.

-

What's an AU that would be interesting to explore with your OC?

Sabbat AU for sure. This would be 24s answer but his distaste for the Sabbat and being Locked Out of that path largely happened due to other's decisions and not his own. so it fits better here.

I think his love for humanities history would have turned into a extreme interest in Sabbat history and their Grand Fight to fight the elders. he would have lost his romanticism and instead i think get very positive feelings regarding the Vaulderie. He would be So Weird in an inhuman way and it would have been tragic when he did let go of his touchstones. OUGH. SO many ways his relationship with sampson could have gone - likely forced murder or abandonment leading to murder? hard 2 say. but fun 2 think about in a Painful way.

-

What is an alternative life path your OC might have gone down? How different would their life be if they'd made those decisions?

Oh god i need yet another ok hm. I can't do super recent things because the consequences of choices are still not fully clear to me... but ok i think one that would have made him a lot Darker and worse is if he decided to continue sampson's blood bond. instead of letting it fade. because i think he could convince sampson it was the right thing (due to bond) so he wouldnt instantely hate him but he knows he is doing it out of fear that he'd hate him if it faded, so his humanity would SOOo drop and i think lose him as a touchstone. he'd know sampson's feelings towards him are artificial. and he'd eventually tire of it. and when he did let it fade sampson would for sure hate him. it would set him down a Dark way and i think then the only thing that would tie him to his humanity is his general love for humanities progress and belief in them, but nothing so PERSONAL. so he'd get real isolated. and i think therefore lose that too. ough. would have hurt him so bad.

[rhysstrongforksfagswag]

It’s kind of funny being a fictive with source and memories based ficto/self-shipping relationships from a source that I am a fan of because I look at those pairings from so many different angles.

First there’s the kind of obvious, what do I remember about them? Were we married, going steady, on-and-off, just a fling? The unique mixture of big things and little things I remember for each of them. The things I don’t remember but wish I did.

The second aspect is the part where I’m, well, still in some of those relationships. Dating someone who’s in a different universe/plane of existence from your own can be difficult and requires different things to keep it going. It’s difficult but it’s also rewarding.

The third is my thoughts on my relationships as “ships” from the perspective of a fan of a fictional work. There are some relationships of mine that I think are or should be canon, ones that I write or read fanworks for. And there’s others that I think are either really unlikely and no one else would ship, or else think are a bit strange to ship, whether it be because in canon it would be questionable or because in source we aren’t right for each other.

Anyway this whole rambling post written while I’m fucking sleepy is to say that this is how I’m able to be deeply in love with Rhys and have memories upon memories of being with him and nearing my 1 year anniversary of having married him in this life and also understand every single reason why Rhys/othy (broke up so regular shippers don’t find this post) is considered to be a mid ship by a lot of people and also that a portion of the fandom thinks we’re overrated as hell.

I am cringe but I am free, I am large I contain multitudes, etc etc.

[jeonghanurl]

ok I finished my theory of love rewatch and literally noone asked but here’s my thoughts. it was better this time. I actually think it's different from other bls in the university-setting in several ways. it has a theme that isn’t just “I’m an engineering-student”, and it sticks to that theme, and it comes full circle very neatly. I think the change of perspective mid-season is creative. it’s interesting how bones storyline doesn’t have a typical happy ending and it’s interesting how they tell twos storyline as well, like it genuinely isn’t obvious how it’s gonna end.

that being said, there are things that bother me to no end and some of them are just personal taste but those things still makes me like it less. ironically enough I am not fond of romcoms so this drama was never gonna be one of my faves. I despise public confessions and I don’t like how in the end they kiss and accidentally leave the livestream on, I think moments without a bigass audience is infinitely cuter and more romantic. I hate the “popular boys all the girls love” trope, and most of all I hate the “crowd of girls going crazy over said group by screaming at them”-trope. it only has two women who aren’t portrayed as crazy, mean or manipulative, and I barely know anything about them other than their boyfriends, which is a common problem in bls but disappointing every time. 

third says he loves khai a lot but he never shows it. even in the epilogue when they’re a long-term couple he doesn’t want to kiss khai even in private. and don’t even get me started on khai being like “let’s have sex later” and third being all “eww don’t even suggest it” (I’m paraphrasing). WHAT EXACTLY IS IT YOU LIKE ABOUT KHAI? I think it’s pretty established that khai likes having sex and he likes talking about it, it’s the one thing he seems to not have changed about himself by the end so if third doesn’t even like that? like please tell me one thing you like about khai. please show me a kiss where you don’t say no before it happens. 

idk obviously problematic tropes are common in bls but I have higher standards for offgun. because not me is so good, and puppy honey is not perfect but I think their characters in that feels much more real. like rome fucking wants pick and he is showing it, and pick is a mess but you understand why and even when he is a douche you sympathize with him to some degree. but both third and khai are such boring characters. and their relationship seems boring too.

still think it’s better than most basic university bls though. I can complain about it and still think it’s a decent show. I contain multitudes.

[soporificsponge]

And nobody knows like me

Once when I was a little kid (maybe in the fourth grade?) I threw a bit of hissy fit on the drive to school because I wanted to cut bangs or dye my hair or do something to my head that my mom vetoed, noting that whatever I wanted to do would probably be unflattering (and let's be honest she was definitely 100% right). I remember saying something under my breath about how "it's my head" and "I should be able to do whatever I want to my own hair" and my muttering made my mom lose what was left of her thinning patience and she screamed behind the wheel "You wanna look like some crazy homeless Korean hooker? GO FOR IT."

That night after both of us regained some semblance of sanity she tried to explain her reasoning behind why I shouldn't abuse my hair with the kiddy safety scissors. I don't remember the entire lecture, but one phrase has stuck with me since and (literally I'm not kidding) I think about this phrase every fucking day:

"You eat with your eyes first."

Okay, so the other day I was listening to Love Grows (objectively a fucking banger) but I have a couple of issues with that stupid song. Actually I only have one issue with it, but it's an issue with a lot of implications. An issue that contains multitudes. Or whatever.

As everyone knows, the song goes (my bitter interpretation of the song is in italics):

She ain't got no money

She's really fucking hot

Her close are kinda funny

I put up with her quirkyness 'cause she's really fucking hot

Her hair is kinda wild and free

But in a hot way

Oh, but love grows where my Rosemary goes

I follow her around 'cause she's hot

and nobody knows like me

Everybody knows that she's hot

...

She's really got a magical spell

She's smoking hot

and it's working so well

She is a fine looking woman

that I just gotta say

hey

So, my issue with the song actually has nothing to do with the song itself. The song itself is probably written with genuine romantic intentions. I just assume that the dude who's singing this song "ate with his eyes first." I don't know why this pisses me off so much. I just kind of wish the song went something like "She's a snaggletoothed crack-eyed bitch with unsightly legs and a lot of acne, but I'm still attracted to her." That'd be true love. Instead for whatever reason I just assume that he's willing to put up with all of these "quirks" (talking lazy, people saying she's crazy, her life being a mystery) because she's hot.

The thing is, I have no fucking right to complain. I do the same thing - I eat with my eyes. I always assume that I can size someone up before I even talk to them. Problematically, my intuition is often accurate, if imprecise (and by that I mean I am typically on point thematically if not exactly e.g. I can tell that someone might be unpleasant to be around, but I'm not immediately conscious of the exact reason). Another dangerous assumption I make (and I am yet to decide whether or not this is valid): that my intuition about people is accurate because people treat other people based on how they look, and how people are treated shapes them. What a fucked up positive feedback loop.

What I mean to say is: ugly people are treated less delicately. They are not savored. I think this treatment affects everyone's outer texture. Ugly people become tough or chewy or sinewy. Beautiful people aren't worn down like that, so sometimes they're more sharp. I don't know if this makes sense.

(A brief aside, I don't really feel like explaining what beautiful and ugly are. You know what they fucking are. Don't even try to say that they're subjective, because that's only true to a certain extent and everyone knows that.)

The phrase "you eat with your eyes first" is particularly acute because relationships born of visual attraction are born to be more like consumption than love. This begs the question -- have I been chewed up and spit out because I'm ugly?

Maybe. I think the fact that I'm not hot doesn't help. But then again I have objectively gorgeous friends who are treated like shit all the time, so obviously whatever profound thing I think I'm getting at here doesn't explain it all.

Ultimately, I have a crush one someone right now that I never found to be extremely physically attractive. On first glance I thought he was somewhat below average, actually. When I first got to know him I found him intolerable. He's objectively weird. I still find him intolerable, but in a way that hurts my chest instead of my head. I think he doesn't hate me. And now I like his face and his weird gangly limbs. His facial features that I once found harsh now seem to carry a strength I couldn't notice before. It's almost like his company sort of eroded whatever bullshit beautiful/ugly dichotomy I drew my whole life. I don't notice the pores on his face anymore. (Another thing about beautiful people - they're like that Seurat painting.) To beat this metaphor into the ground with a baseball bat so that I may never think of it again: I ate with my eyes, but apparently YOU CAN'T TASTE WITH YOUR FUCKING EYEBALLS. QED.

Anyways, I get the song now, and I think I might cut my hair tomorrow.

Because Love grows where my Rosemary goes And nobody knows like me It keeps growing every place she's been And nobody knows like me

… If you've met her, you'll never forget her And nobody knows like me

… La la la- believe it when you've seen it Nobody knows like me

(This guy has a girlfriend, btw. Fuck me.)

[incessantwhine]

idk im rly tired of spending my energy chasing the attention of a person who is so beyond unavailable it’s not even funny and not focusing on what’s right in front of me.

i know being poly is all abt communication and is actually what works for me and my relationships but i am still incredibly possessive (even tho I beat it back w/ a stick) and literally loathe the idea of my gf hooking up w/ other girls. that’s literally 100% me being insecure but ik there are so many better options for her out there than me and im still a little terrified she’s gonna wake up one day and realize that.

and like im a little resentful of the fact that the only person i am remotely intimate with besides her is because it’s entirely transactional. like I literally pay for it. because it’s their job. and my gf can just get out there and do it organically with ppl that are physically here and i…cant.

i just need to get over this stupid crush. idk what im expecting to happen. im expecting nothing to happen, actually, which is why it’s so stupid. i don’t want to date this person. i don’t want their services for free. idk what I want from them at all, actually. for them to what? come out and say they have a crush on me? and then what? just be smug abt it? fly out to the PNW, abandon my life, and be a live in service sub at their beck and call? lmfao. be their long distance bff who they also enjoy fucking when they eventually make it to my area?? what does that do for anyone???

and yet. it still stings just a little bit when im just ‘a sub who im close to’. im thinking too deeply about it, i know, and it’s not worth it. i was never ever going to be more than that and nor do i even rly want to be, at the end of the day. even that position is incredibly unique and more than i ever bargained for tbh. i know my place is to stand on the sidelines and applaud them as they live their life and thrive, and maybe cheer them up and be supportive when they’re not feeling so well. that’s all (and it’s significant!). cheerleader and fan. to celebrate their victories with them and to cry for them when they are hurt. from a distance, in the periphery, but present always. a true friend, with no ulterior motives or secret wishes. something purer, something genuine. and the world needs more of that. and this person deserves that and i know i can be that; so Im going to. always. i like that. i love it, even. that’s a big word but i do. i am capable of so much love and so much good. it would be selfish to be stingy with it. especially with those I am fond of. i rly do think they’re a beautiful person and flawed in such fascinating ways but so kind and so lovely at their core. they contain multitudes. it’s kindness and rage. it’s impulsiveness and careful curation. it’s severity and softness. i adore the humanity of it all, the very things that make them who they are. there’s so much to learn from it, the complexities. no more complex than anyone else really, but still…it is a blessing to learn and see it all. it just so happens it’s with them. i wouldn’t want anything i do to push them away; not because of something as silly and petty as jealousy or it not being reciprocated to the same extent.

but it’s also the anxiety of not knowing when im going to get too comfortable, too familiar, and cross a line. they’re no strangers to that happening w/ others. i rly do my best to be so careful and not do that but i fear if i let myself relax, i will, and it will be Bad. i don’t want to be another bad client. all ive ever wanted is to be good, at my core. to be worthy and impact people’s lives positively. but i have a big mouth. and im so sensitive. I cross lines; im short sighted. i let things build until it’s uncontrollable. and i can’t just not take things to heart. I care and i refuse to stop because that’s the worst thing a person can do to themselves, i think. but it gives me such trouble. it makes me so uneasy. especially because I worry i feel and will act like ik this person too well—but really, im not sure i do. i don’t know that I’m any closer or any different than other subs. (id place money on the opposite). i don’t know who else is speaking to them at 3am. and I don’t know if it’s just because they’re bored, and lonely, and im the only reliable option they’ve got. or if it’s because they truly want to speak to me out of their myriad of options. i mean, i know the former has happened before. who’s to say it’s not the same now? i can’t. idk if they can either. when they meet someone who can offer everything i can, what place is there left for me?

just…I haven’t been able to shake the feeling this is a bad idea since I met them. i dont want to be hurt in a true way but i am putting myself in a position where i seem like i might be regardless of the outcome.

they told me that it’s the really lonely people to watch out for, that end up being a problem for them. but that im different because i have a lot going for me.

and I do, in lots of ways. i have a fulfilling loving relationship w/ someone I want to marry. i love my career. but im still lonely at my core. i think im doomed to ache a little bit forever. and that’s my burden to bear and mine alone. but it feels inevitable that it’ll leak into everything and everyone I have any kind of relationship with. like a sickness. it filled me with dread when they said that. because it felt like they were seeing right thru everything i try so hard to keep at bay.

i don’t think anyone will ever understand me the way i want them to. and it’s my fault—i don’t like what’s rotting at my core, why would i show it to anyone else? i already live with disliking it. i don’t need anyone else to validate that for me. i know something about me is built wrong. i wouldn’t survive someone seeing me in my entirety and feeling the same way. it’s uncomfortable for everyone. but. but it’s still lonely. i want to show up as real. i want to be funny AND whatever this is. i want to be charming AND let ppl know what i rly think. but each thing is at odds with one another. i can’t positively impact and add value to people’s lives if I am openly this gutted with them. it’s too much. it’s nothing at all.

it’s all abandonment issues. rejection sensitivity. etc. whatever you like to call it. clear as day. i don’t need to read this outside to a therapist to know it. im very self aware, and besides that it’s obvious when I talk about my fears of being useless. being a burden. being picked second or not picked it all. it’s all so very transparent.

it’s just times like these I can’t tell if ive made progress and peace with those things or if i have just gotten good at lying to myself and everyone around me about it.

[ghoul-haunted]

thinking about the majima-saejima boss fight cutscene banter in y7 like,,,,not to say ‘that’s love, baby,’ but that’s love baby