#what a bizarre movie

[coraclavia]

Cora Watches: Hong Kong '97 (1994)

In today's episode, we travel back to 1994 to see a movie that I swear is an 80's movie in spirit. It stars Robert Patrick, the T-1000 himself, and Ming-Na Wen of Mulan and Agents of SHIELD fame, because apparently the casting strategy was "pick two people that Cora would never have expected to co-star in something."

This movie was directed by Albert Pyun, a prolific man in the world of B-movies. He worked on about a million of them, notably as director of Captain America (1990), the terrible version that starred the son of J.D. Salinger as Cap. This movie is rated R, so if you're not old enough, scatter. And no, I'm not showing anything raunchy in pics.

For this review: I have a lot to say. There's a plot, but there's also just so much assorted weirdness that I'm going to skim over the former so we can wallow in the latter. If you came to this review for a thorough, detailed plot synopsis, I regret to inform you that No.

The Story: This movie takes place on December 31, 1996; January 1, 1997 was the date that control of Hong Kong was transferred from England to China. Robert Patrick plays an assassin working in Hong Kong who gets set up to kill a Chinese general, which leads to a bounty being put on his head; he has to figure out who set him up while staying alive long enough to get out of Hong Kong. Ming-Na Wen is his ex-girlfriend, and he ends up helping her and her political dissident grandfather flee Chinese forces as well. There you go. That's pretty much all you need to know. Yes, there are other characters, but they're not Ming-Na Wen or Robert Patrick, so do they really matter? No.

The movie starts off with a bang, first literally and then figuratively.

I 100% was not ready for this, but the movie cuts swiftly from Tuxedo Robert Patrick shooting the general, to some guy in an office watching a news reporter talk about the assassination, to Very Naked Robert Patrick having intercourse with an Equally Naked Woman on the floor of a hotel room. Look, I'm gonna be honest with you. He's in incredible shape. And we know this, because we see almost all of him; the only reason we don't see all of him is thanks to shadows and very, very careful movement on his part.

In a truly explosive case of (ahem) coitus interruptus, masked gunmen smash through the hotel room windows. Luckily, RP has multiple guns within reach even while he is actively having sex, so he is able to roll to his weapons, grab them, and return fire. Naked Woman saw the gunmen coming, climbed off him, grabbed a gun and shot the last bad guy. Teamwork makes the dream work.

They stand silhouetted in the broken window, pondering this unexpected event, and Naked Woman asks "Is it not strange for such a swift attempt at retribution?" which.... you know what else is strange? THAT LINE. Also maybe get out of that window. You're naked.

Later on, RP is talking to his work buddies, and while that sounds boring, let me clarify: they're at a spa, and all three dudes are getting soapy massages from naked women.

The men have towels on, and there's nothing actually sexual happening; the women are just naked. The nudity is entirely without purpose. If these women had been clothed, literally nothing else about the scene would have changed. This feels like such an 80's B-movie strategy: Literally Just Put Boobs In The Movie, It Doesn't Matter How.

Because there's a hit out on Robert Patrick, his two buddies tell him he needs to lay low. For some reason, someone suggests that a good place for him to do that is at his ex-girlfriend's place, which: No. But we're in a movie, so okay.

So, like any normal person, he climbs into Ming-Na Wen's place via a second-story window.

She walks in, he surprises her, and she reflexively throws him to the floor and kicks him 😆 It's like Benedick and Beatrice, but with more punchy fists.

They talk, and it's very expository but I'm so distracted by the audio. There's so much echo! Yeesh. Couldn't they afford a boom mic? They must have had a few extra dollars. They didn't have to buy clothes for the masseuses. Also, Ming-Na Wen will very occasionally slip into a very fake British accent, which never lasts longer than three words and does nothing but make me laugh.

Here's the thing: I just cannot buy Robert Patrick as this cold, lethal killer-for-hire. I can't do it. Not in this movie. Look at this doofy smile as Ming-Na Wen's adorable grandfather is like 'hey, I know she dumped you, but I really like you so you should definitely try to win her back.' Look at this dorky boy with his soft hair and his sticky-out ears.

This is not the face of a lethal international assassin. I'm sorry. It's just not.

And if you're thinking, 'but Cora, this makes no sense! Robert Patrick can be cold and lethal! remember him as the T-1000?' then I will respond to you with:

🤷‍♀️

So he's a cold-blooded assassin, but then out of nowhere he's experiencing Deep Feelings™ for Ming-Na Wen. It's baffling because it never feels like there's a reason; he just starts developing humanity because the script told him to. RP is trying, but it just does not make sense. He's Shooty McMurder; he's Grandfather's favorite; he looks like an assistant manager at your local bank. Make it make sense.

Anyway, there are lots of scenes of running and shooting. It's very exciting. Sadly, Naked Woman who never got to finish having sex with Robert Patrick earlier in the movie gets shot helping them escape, which is very convenient because at no point was it ever possible that Robert Patrick and Ming-Na Wen weren't getting back together, and this way it's less awkward.

And in the end, here we are, safely on a boat to Malaysia, away from Chinese forces. Robert Patrick tells Ming-Na Wen, "I do love you," and yet again, the delivery is bizarre. It sounds like he's trying to convince her, like maybe they were mid-argument. Why did he say it like that???

She says "I know;" they smooch.

And Robert Patrick throws his gun overboard because he's done being Store-Brand James Bond. Boom. Roll credits.

Do I recommend this? Yes. It's bonkers. Every six minutes it's BLAM! BLAM! BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM! BLAMBLAM! There's a story, but the story is less interesting that just the overall weirdness. It's trying to be an actual movie, but sometimes it forgets How The Humans Speak. They spent their money on 'splosions and boobs, not the script or accent coaches or clothes for masseuses.

This is another one of those movies where I can't tell you that it's a *good* movie, but I still enjoyed watching it. It's always either entertaining, or baffling, or sometimes both. And here at Cora Watches, that's what we want.

[chloesimaginationthings]

What does Springtrap and Dio Brando have in common?

[chalkrub]

it's mendel!

[meraki-yao]

Taylor for Port Magazine

[deusluxuria]

concept: kakyoin being like "i have to find a horror movie that actually scares jotaro so he'll hold my hand!!" (ones that come close are "kairo/pulse" with that fucking walking ghost scene, the original and american versions of "ring," and maybe "the exorcist"), and when he finally tells jotaro his intentions, jotaro is like "dude if you wanted to hold my hand just ask"

[juniperhillpatient]

i just had somebody rb a toxic yuri meme i made that had ginger/brigitte and they included in the tags something like “idk why ginger and brigitte are here they’re sisters” and i’m just like 😭😭 i’m just not gonna say anything

….this movie literally invented toxic yuri tho?

[vampirecatprince]

I genuinely love how Vanessa is just... so unusually enthusiastic about the animatronics

Like- even though she knows- she still can't help but have that sense of childish wonder about them and still sees what they were meant to be and there's something so compelling to me there. I can see glimmers of her Dad, but the parts without the sadism and violence. The parts that would even want to make dancing and singing bunnies and bears to begin with. The part that just wanted to dress up as a silly yellow rabbit.

I can almost imagine William acting the exact same way seeing Spring Bonnie move on stage for the first time, with that same smile...

[theywontletmebeprincipal]

compiled all (I hope) of fydolla ho (shawnee smith’s rock band)’s music into one (1) google drive file so that nobody has to listen to ads in between songs/worry about the yt reuploads getting taken down. have fun (`･ω･´)ゞ

[the-meme-monarch]

my brother and i have been going on walks a lot lately and have been checking out public buildings if only to see them, and in one it finally happened where someone thought my brother and i were a couple. even though Earlier in the conversation i mentioned ‘our little sibling’ like twice while gesturing to my brother and i both times. this wouldn’t have been so horrible and i could have easily brushed it off as her just not having caught that, if not for the part where after clarifying We’re Siblings she said “well even if you did have kids…” and kinda trailed off and didn’t complete that thought. she was talking to us about our futures/careers bc this was the town hall building so she probably meant it like If We, Individually From Each Other, Have Children but. i didn’t press for clarification but was ready to Leave after that. she was talking for a while still, after saying that. i had a cold soda and it was room temp by the time we finally left

[kuruk]

oh my god I know like it sounds weird to say this when it's just avatar but the original show has aang go back to the southern air temple to show katara and sokka his home only to find evidence of the genocide of his people and the loss of his loved ones and it's quiet until you see his grief and his rage but you just see the aftermath a hundred years later and the netflix adaptation makes it feel like they wanted it to be a cool action movie with an epic scene showing the fighting and running of the airbenders like that side by side with aang running away and it's like ??? okay it's "darker" congratulations I can see that's what the goal is based on the differences in firebending and early on screen deaths go and focus on every bit of violence for the audience's lazy sadistic pleasure instead of any of the characters personal narratives especially the women that can all be taken right out + the discovery of different places all over the world in the earth kingdom and outside of it. put everything in omashu so they don't get to meet people and see the diversity of the world and each town and SEE what life is like for them under war and have these experiences with all these people build up to something bigger at the end

[ot3]

What're your thoughts on the aa movie? I haven't seen it in years but I remember thinking it was very charming, though fast paced. I appreciate their commitment to everyone's dress and hair styles. Sorry if you have it tagged somewhere, I'm on mobile and the search is awful

i've seen it, i think its a great! it's rare to see an adaptation take so much creative liberties with its source while managing to stick so true to the spirit of the thing. phoenix's actor does a great job, and i love that he is capable of going :3 in real life which is not something i knew i needed for phoenix but i definitely did need for him.

i think it does some fantastic stuff visually where the colors are pretty muted and the settings are more fully realized than those of the game in a way that really serves to make the events feel more grounded and less cartoony. but then they balance that out by giving both the settings and costuming the right amount of quirkiness to not be bland or gritty, and to still keep some of that playful energy in there. i think the hologram nonsense they do in the courtroom is a fun way to adapt video game mechanics for a movie and it's goofy enough to make the courtroom drama feel the proper amount of campy. its also just very visually appealing! its well lit and has some solid shot compositions! like it looks good!

the scene where maya gets to yell at redd white is awesome, and im always shocked by how well the movie does making you empathize with yanni yogi of all people. i get the sense that it was made by someone who really cared about its source material but didn't feel limited or constrained by that, and was instead able to channel that into something with a distinct voice rather than being a crude imitation. definitely worth watching at least once.

also the child actors they cast were soooooo cute i want to put apple slices in their lunchboxes

[akajustmerry]

new depression level unlocked: cannae be alone with my thoughts but can't focus on anything thus marathoning the iron man films until I fall asleep every night 😪

[shaykesqueer]

Wha-

Why?? What is with the quality?? Why is she standing like that? WHY does she look like a cardboard cutout??

Why was this put in like that shot of pazuzus face in the exorcist??

I’m-

[innalheid]

Tonight's horror movie has. THE most can't catch a social cue to save his life guy I've ever seen depicted on screen and its. He's a fantastic character

[tibli]

been seeing some stuff in the tags so uh, if you ship the mario bros together stay the fuck away from me

[deusluxuria]

headcanon that since johnny grew up about 10 years in kentucky and 10 somewhere in rich person england, he has a mixed accent, and gyro one day was like "if it were anyone else, i wouldn't be able to understand half of what they were saying, but when i look at you it's somehow crystal clear" and johnny just kinda stared and said "that's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me, please don't ever say that again"