#what escaping abuse getting surgery moving to a better apartment eating better and starting a new job that pays well does to a man

[d3l3t3d-deactivated]

i’ve always been bad about getting photos of myself but i’ve been making a real effort to document my recovery from top surgery, no rhyme or reason to when i take photos it’s just kind of when i remember, but i was just looking back at everything and the way i glowed up so hard in so many ways in the span of a few months is kind of impressive

[metelis-favorite]

am i so bad? (that you hate me?)

Summary: Zane found himself at the outskirts of his family for most of his life. Maybe this time, they'd break away with him. Word count: 2796 Warnings: Transphobia, Islamophobia, misgendering, reference and results of past emotional abuse to children, discussion of weight in a negative tone Author’s Notes: This was not planned to be the first installment of the streamer au!! In fact, it has little to do with the fact that they are streamers at all.  This was written as a vent fic and turned into something a tad nicer than that.  Give me a comment or kudos on Ao3!

“Hey, mom.”  Zianna burst through the kitchen entrance as Zane closed the door behind him.

“Oh, Zuzu!” she exclaimed running over to wrap him in a hug, nearly lifting him off the ground.  He withheld the urge to wince and hesitantly wrapped his arms around his mother, patting her back awkwardly.  She set him back firmly on the ground but rocked them back and forth and something in Zane’s chest sunk as he felt something wet soaking into his sweater.  “Oh, Zuzu, you never visit anymore.” She pulled back, clutching his arms.  “Though it seems like you’ve been feeding yourself just fine!”  Zane smiled shakily, but he felt it coming out more of a grimace.

“You should see Garroth,” he tried to joke, “pretty sure being a father made him gain a few.”  Immediately Zianna’s face dropped into a disapproving pout and she tightened her grip on Zane’s arms.

“That is not funny, Zuzu,” she scolded. “Your brother is working as hard as he can for that little boy.”  Zane scowled.

“Malachi isn’t a boy, mother.”  Zianna elected to ignore him, giving his arms a punctuating (and painful) squeeze before letting go.  She walked back towards the kitchen and Zane felt five years old all over again, trailing after his mother in hopes she would pay attention to him. “So…” he started awkwardly, clearing his throat, “how’s dad doing? He’s at work today, right?” Zianna nodded excitedly, opening a packet of deli meat.

“Oh, yes! He and Garroth have been working on a brand-new acquisition for the company and it’s just taking up so much time.” She turned to smile at her son. “But you know how much your father loves his work.   It’s such a charming quality in a man to see him so dedicated.” A distant memory of a tenth birthday without his father flashed through his head.  He shoved it down.  He could bitch about it later to his therapist.

“Yeah, that’s- that’s cool.  Good for him.”  Zane leaned against the entrance to the kitchen. He waited for a second, the air between the two of them stale and tense.  Zianna kept smiling, placing pieces of ham into sandwiches. “What are you- uh, what are you making?”

“Oh! Well, you know Gar-Gar and his son are coming by as well, right? I’m making some sandwiches for him!” Zane winced, his lips curling into a scowl.

“Mother, Malachi isn’t a boy, we’ve been over this.” Zianna just waved him off.

“Oh, kids are kids, Zuzu, he doesn’t know anything yet.”  Zane’s shoulders hunched up and he subconsciously rubbed his sweater where he knew his top surgery scars lay underneath. Speaking of which, he needed to make a deposit to Vylad and Garroth’s accounts today.  It should be one of the last payments before he’s not in debt anymore.

“That’s not-” Zane started, his voice small. He shook his head and cut himself off.  It wasn’t worth it. “Malachi doesn’t eat ham, either, mom.” That made Zianna stop mid-second, a piece of ham in her hand.

“What do you mean?” Zane shrugged his shoulders.

“Malachi is Muslim, mom, Garroth told you about this.  They don’t eat pig meat.”  Zianna scoffed, but he could see the shake in her hands.

“Well, that’s just silly,” she said, her voice rising in pitch.  Zane swallowed nervously.  He shoved his hands into the pockets of his shorts.  “Why doesn’t he just follow Irene?”

“Uh- because they don’t have to?” Zane said.  “They’re not forced to follow whatever religion Garroth follows, mom, they were religious before they met Garroth.” Zianna shook her head rapidly before Zane even finished his sentence, closing her fist around the meat in her hand.

“No, but- Why wouldn’t Garroth have Malachi convert?” The question made Zane’s stomach flip a few times.  The spot where the cross on his chain necklace would have rested on his collarbone burned.

“Because he’s not an ass, mother,” Zane said, his voice taking on a sharper tone. “Malachi doesn’t have to do anything they don’t want to and Garroth certainly isn’t going to force his child to join a religion that they don’t believe in.”  Zianna made a noise and Zane could see her shoulders tensing. The room went quiet for a moment before Zianna opened her fist, letting the ham drop onto the counter.  She stalked over to the opposite side of the kitchen, ripping a trash bag from the container.  She walked back to the counter where the sandwiches and in one movement, she swept the sandwiches, chips, and packages of deli meat into the bag.  Zane flinched at the sound of the food hitting the bottom of the bag.

“Well, I guess I did all of that work for nothing!” She said, her voice squeaky and shaking with barely-contained anger. “Gratitude means nothing anymore, apparently.” Zane leaned forward onto the balls of his feet, ready to make it to the front door in less than five seconds if his mother decided to move his way. He didn’t say anything.

She tied up the bag, dropping into the garbage bin he knew was underneath the sink cabinet.  Zianna brushed her hands off and then propped them onto her hips.  Zane stayed silent.  She turned towards him, her breath shaky and her smile as false as the Louboutin heels he saw by the door. “Well, dear?” she prompted. “How’s work been?”

The change in topic made Zane’s head spin but he was pretty sure this was the only time she would ever ask him about his job and any chance to escape her fury was latched onto with both hands. “It’s- uh, it’s been good,” he said, his voice stumbling. “Subs have been going up at a pretty steady rate and if it- uh- keeps up for a few more months, I might be able to move into a better apartment.” Zianna nodded but he could tell she wasn’t absorbing anything he said. “Aph would move with me, I think.”  That caught her attention.  She squealed.

“Oh, you’re still dating Aphmau? Oh, that is so amazing!” Zianna giggled. “I can’t wait to be a mother-in-law.” Zane blinked a few times.

“You are a mother-in-law,” Zane reminded. “Garroth is married, you do know that, right?” Zianna’s smile seemed to turn cold and Zane beat himself up for even saying anything. “Besides!” he rushed to push past his mistake, “Aph and I aren’t dating or anything, she’s just a good roommate.” Zianna just shook her head, clasping her hands in front of her chest.

“Oh, but I’m sure you’ll end up dating soon! That Aphmau has always had a thing for you, you know.” She winked dramatically and Zane wrinkled his nose on instinct.

“…Sure, mom,” he said at last, not willing to get into another argument with her.  Zianna wiggled in her space.

The sound of a car pulling into the gravel driveway broke the tense atmosphere that was starting to build up and Zane’s shoulders untensed.

Garroth and his relationship was difficult.  His relationship with Vylad was even more so.  But one good thing that came out of them both being adults and living away from their parents was the chance to finally say shit to each other and not have their parents constantly scolding them (read: Zane) for starting a fight.  There were nights were they just screamed at each other, mourning the childhoods they never got.  Zane better knew the pressure shoved onto Garroth and while a part of him would always feel like his brother was ungrateful for the opportunities he was given as a child, Zane didn’t know if he wouldn’t react in that same way in Garroth’s position.

In a similar vein, he finally got the apology he had been craving for so many years.  They were both on the ground, drunk out of their minds, and Garroth just erupted into sobs, saying that every day he woke up with guilt eating away at him.  That he knew what an awful brother he had been and that he was so sure that whatever relationship they might’ve had was crushed because of his arrogance.

Zane wasn’t faultless and he knew that their relationship as kids could’ve gone a lot smoother had he not gone out of his way to antagonize his family.  But the feeling of relief when his big brother arrived at their childhood home, instead of dread or jealously, wasn’t something he’d trade for anything.

Zianna bustled over to the door, pulling it open and waving to Garroth, who was assumedly getting out of his car and unbuckling Malachi.  Zane followed her, standing behind her with his hands still shoved firmly into his pockets.  He saw Malachi practically bounce out of the car, ignoring Garroth’s call to slow down as they ran up the steps to the door.  Zianna opened her arms and knelt down for a hug, but Malachi bolted past her to attach themself to Zane’s legs.  “Hi, Uncle Zane!” they exclaimed.  Zane blinked a few times, before patting his nibling gently on the head. They cocked their head to the side. “Is it a no-touch day? Dad says sometimes you have no-touch days.”  Zianna moved to open her mouth, having risen from her knees, but Zane cut her off.

“It’s alright, kid,” he said gruffly, resisting the urge to smile as Malachi tightened their grip around his knees. “You want- You want up?” Immediately, Malachi’s face nearly split in half from the grin they bore and they unlocked their hands to reach up towards Zane’s face, making a grabby motion.  Zane bent down slightly, grabbing the kid underneath the armpits and lifting.  A muscle in his back twinged, but he shifted his weight onto his legs and pulled himself and Malachi up the rest of the way.  The eight-year-old wrapped their arms around Zane’s neck, resting their head on his shoulder, and Zane swallowed harshly, trying to keep down tears from welling in his eyes.  Zianna was practically glaring at them but she didn’t say anything as Garroth stepped into the home.

“Dad!” Malachi exclaimed, lifting their head up. “Hi!” Garroth laughed, reaching a hand out and Malachi reached their hand in return, giving each other a gentle squeeze.

“I just saw you, bud,” Garroth said, grinning. Malachi shrugged, tucking their head back under Zane’s chin.

“I know,” they said cheekily.

“Did you say hi to Ms. Zianna yet?” Garroth asked and Zane wrinkled his nose.  His brother shot him a ‘I know what you’re thinking and I’m thinking the same thing but I have to be a good influence on my kid’ look over Malachi’s shaking head.  “Can you say hello please?”

Malachi looked over to Zianna and she waved softly. “Hey, sweetie!”

“Hi,” they mumbled, shoving their face into Zane’s hoodie.  Zianna’s face dropped into a disapproving scowl, but Garroth stepped in, his nerves showing all over his face.

“I think Malachi is just a bit shy today,” he said, his voice bordering on shaking. “They’ve had a long day.”  Zianna harrumphed slightly, crossing her arms, and if Zane weren’t focused on not pissing off his mother and not dropping his nibling, he might’ve laughed at his six-foot-three brother cowering in front of his five-foot-four mother.

He thought of his own five-foot-eleven height and the scene of him hunched over while his mother threw the sandwiches away and dismissed the thought of laughing entirely.  Malachi tightened their grip around his neck and he adjusted his grip so that they were pressed closer to his chest. “I see Malachi plenty,” Zianna complained. “Why won’t he give me a hug?!” Malachi made a noise and Garroth looked pained.

“Mother,” his brother said gently, “we’ve been over this.”  Zianna shook her head.

“Honey, I’m the mother to one of those kinds of people, I know how this works.”  Zane inhaled sharply.  Garroth gave a full body wince.

“Can we not have this conversation in front of them, please?” Garroth pleaded, his voice small.  Zane maneuvered Malachi to one side, slipping his hand into his basketball shorts to pull out his phone.   His mother shot back something, but he was too busy sending off a text to Laurance.

 2:58 P.M.

Outlawed in-law: SOS.  Mom’s saying shit.

Gar’s boytoy: :thumbsup:

  Judging from the kid trying to – affectionately – choke him, it wasn’t good.  Looking at Garroth, who was looking at their mother like he wanted to cry, Zane made the executive decision to back away and make his way to the stairs leading up to his old room. “Wher’we goin’? Malachi said, their voice muffled by their face being mushed into his hoodie.

“We,” Zane said, hefting the child further up his hip, “are gonna go check out your dad’s old room.” Malachi perked up, lifting their head.

“Daddy lived here?” Zane nodded.

“So did me and Vylad.”

“Avie Vylad?” Zane nodded again, stepping up the last stair and walking towards the back of the hall.

“The very same.”  Zane stopped in front of a door still decorated in medals and stickers of achievement.  He expected to feel some sting at the blatant representation of everything younger Zane resented but he found nothing there.  Blinking slightly, he reached out for the knob and pushed the door open.

The walls were bare – Garroth had taken down most of his posters when he moved out for college – but his old bedspread and desk were still there.  “Is this where daddy grew up?”

“Yep.”

“Where were you?”

“I was the room to the left.”

“With all the black stickers with bad words?” Zane snorted.

“Yep.” Malachi wiggled, unlatching their hands from behind Zane’s neck.  He bent over slightly, letting Malachi slip from his arms and land on the floor. “Your dad and I had some pretty different ideas on what constituted good décor.” Malachi peeked into the closet while Zane sat on the bed.

“Oh, woahh, there are some boxes in here!” they said excitedly.

“Yeah, your dad left some stuff here when he moved out.  I think he’s forgotten about it to be honest.” Malachi turned around, giving Zane a quizzical look.

“How could he forget his stuff?”  Zane shrugged.

“We had a lot of stuff as kids.”  Malachi looked down at the ground, their tiny brow furrowed.  They grabbed at the green scarf-slash-shawl wrapped around their shoulders.

“I have a lot of stuff now,” they said after a few moments. “I guess that makes sense.”  Zane scooted back on the bed, so his back could rest against the wall.  “Were you n’ dad friends?” Zane furrowed his brow.

“What do you mean?”

“I heard papa saying something once about you n’ dad not being friends but you guys seem like friends so I wanted to ask.”  Zane blinked a few times, not sure how to respond.  Two decades of pain and anger and betrayal seemed to flash before his eyes and he wasn’t quite sure how to explain that to his eight-year-old nibling.

“I guess…” he started, “I guess you could say we weren’t friends when we were your age.” Malachi frowned and moved over to the bed to sit next to Zane.

“But are you guys friends now?”  Zane moved to rest his hand on Malachi’s head.

“I think we are, yeah.  We did some mean shi- stuff to each other when we were kids because we were angry at other people and took it out on each other.  But we’ve talked about it now.  We’ve said sorry.”  Zane patted Malachi once before resting his hand in his lap. “If you wanna know more, you should ask your dad.  Not all of this story is mine to tell.”  Malachi got a confused look on their face, but something must’ve clicked because their expression relaxed.

A knock sounded from the door.  Both Malachi and Zane looked up to find Garroth there, a soft smile on his face.  Zane squinted and saw the tired look in his eyes, the dark eye bags of nightmares that Zane saw mirrored on his own face near constantly seemed to have been amplified by whatever conversation he had with their mother.

“Papa called, bud, we gotta head back to the house.”  Malachi pouted, crossing their arms.

“I don’t wanna go,” they whined. “I wanna stay with Uncle Zane.” It took a second for Zane to process the statement, but before he could start sputtering nervously, Garroth just laughed.

“Uncle Zane can come with us, if he wants.” Zane gave Garroth a look and his brother shrugged good-naturedly.  Malachi wiggled and looked up Zane excitedly.

“Please?” they said and Zane was surprised by the earnestness in their voice.

“Sure,” he said, surprised once again by the fact that he actually did want to go with them, “I’ll come with.”

[scaryboy2409]

what I would like to call the Jerrycho AU or the “Fuck you David Cage” AU [under cut]

let’s fucking go I am tired as fuck and blasting Golden Vengeance

Alright quick summary of the idea

Kamski is a genius, dude didn’t just accidentally create life, he knew that this would happen because he spent like a year on a yacht just working on this project to make life through programming and tech instead of pulling a Frankenstein, bored out of his mind and wanted to see what was stopping him from basically becoming god

Motherfucker did it, Chloe being the android he was developing

Newest batches of Androids were made and he put this code into one, this being Kara [that tech demo a long ass time ago is big inspiration for this AU] and instead of being sold, she escapes and changes her appearance-

After she’s taken in by Alice [who is human fuck you David] and Luther, Luther has taken care of Alice since she was a baby since her parents are usually overseas for business, Kara knocking on doors until Alice let her inside, whole little makeover scene happens with the three

Markus was still given to Carl by Kamski, he was going to “grow up” over the course of a year in this lab in Carl’s house that takes up the entire top floor of his house, he’s still a painter but Kamski had the lab built in order to raise Markus, Kamski mainly wanting to see how “human” the androids could get so he got his good friend Carl to be the “parent” of Markus

Carl raises Markus, every couple months Kamski drops by to upgrade his body to better suit his learning, going from this tiny child to an adult in 9 months, after all this time with no connection to the outside world besides books or history, Carl and Kamski deicide they should tell Markus about how androids are treated outside the house and if he wants to go outside more often or stay inside, he deicides to come outside the house even though he knows the dangers

This dude is really emotional and got loads of personality, ask him about the weather and he’ll be visibly happy or upset, can and will cry over a small dog, so there will be some stealth parts where he has to either

become borderline emotionless and move with less feeling in order to blend in with the other androids

act super human to trick everyone into thinking he’s just a normal 20 something 

Now you may be thinking “what about Connor and the revolution ?” just hang on a second this is where my brain gets excited

So, Kamski decides to finally upload this Alive code into every single android, an update that happens once an android shuts down for the night, once that android experiences a strong emotion [being abused/that fear and anger from it, getting upset over the death of someone they knew, messing up a task] they’ll really start to feel, some running away or being more accepted by the family or being thrown away

Jericho, I love you, but the motherfucking JERRY LADS are now taking the stage, the Jerrys have always been a hivemind, Kamski thought it would be funny to have one model be a hivemind, so those in shops will send over supplies like blue blood or fabrics to Pirate’s Cove because THAT’S the new Jericho, still run down but the Jerrys work together to fix it up a bit, taking care of everyone who ends up there with their connections

Markus doesn’t end up here because he was thrown away, instead he meets the old Jericho gang while they try to rob him while Carl orders food for himself at like McDonalds, thinking he’s human before he sees their lights, explaining who he is and Carl pulling up like “guys wait I have money if you need some don’t hurt my son” since he’s best dad, and Jericho group decides “hey might as well, let’s bring him to a Jerry to see if they approve” and the McDonalds Jerry approves them [plus Carl orders 10 happy meals jic someone gets hungry, let the androids enjoy some food] so they head on over to Jerrycho and Markus really learns about how bad humans can be to androids/androids learn a bit about why everything’s happening

Thus, the lad and Jericho crew decide to plan a revolution [while eating mcdonalds while other androids get the toys]

Connor, my boy, my lad, finally comes to the scene once Kamski just drops off the face of the planet and androids start to “wake up” after being abused, going missing or becoming violent out of fear

This is similar to the actual game, most of it doesn’t change tbh apart from Hank’s backstory where Cole dies because he ran into the street and got hit by an android driver who was being distracted by an angry bus patron, red ice no longer exists that shit is wack

ALSO HEY REED900 PEEPS COME GET YALLS JUICE Nines and Gavin actually matter in this AU, case gradually becomes bigger so they’re added, romance is possible/usually happens between the two as the case goes on and more androids become sentient [Nines was always awake and Gavin knew this, but Nines only decided to show his feelings for Gavin in the ending once he knows it’s safe to, but they have moments where Nines is just trying not to kiss this man] 

Now Kamski, the motherfucker, thought it would be fun to pretend and be an android in Jerrycho for the memes, got some surgery done and went in, talked to the leader Jerry [Gerry] and explained his plan to just watch what happens and help when needed, so Gerry lets him stay as long as no one finds out [will this have any effect on the story ? who knows]

That is all have a good night and get some water

[unicorn-sprinkles-101]

I'm an autistic, mentally ill young adult who very desperately needs to find a new place to live.

I can't exactly recount what happened during most of my childhood but I have to say that my parents have drastically spiraled out of control since then. 

My mother had never really been a big impact on my life other than being my primary guardian and taking me from place to place. Other than that, she has little to no emotional connection to me and especially not now. I don't really "hate" anyone listed here, I just don't care for my family anymore and don't want anything to do with any of them.

My mother is completely unable to work, relying mostly on disability since I was a baby due to an ongoing condition. My father refuses to get a better job to support my mother and I, often leaving us with around $5-$10 at a for gas money (often with tons of quarters) or to take with me when it is absolutely required.

Now that I've turned 18, things have gotten much harder when it comes to me being used for financial gain. I do admit that alot of that money was used towards me in some way or another while I was growing up, but not anymore.

While my father is unable to let go of grandmother's old house (which has gone to shambles), one of my mother's friends has lives under us in the basement after being rendered homeless, which can make akward when describing family troubles.

She started living with us a while ago after her trailer finally caved in after we packed water jugs back and forth to her location for several years.

Ever since she moved here, she's developed an overbearing attachment to her "animals". It got so bad she refused time and time again to put her very ill 16-year-old dog to sleep, rendering them unable to walk, see, eat or hear for months on end. The breaking point was when they bled out all over the kitchen (which we knew would happen eventually), which was traumatic for us and highly unnecessary for the dog to go through considering how miserable they were when they came here.

She has made tons very rude and hurtful comments to me about how I'm such an "abuser" when I told her dogs (she has 3) to go away or get off the couch in front of her. She often claims that I'm abusive towards my guinea pigs, saying that I don't "take care of [my] animals".

This friend of my mother has also made comments ranging from my weight to my behavior and called me names ranging from "brat" to the more recent "trashy white girl" while my mother rolls her eyes and tells me it was all just a joke.

She's physically done things towards me such as shoving me out of the way, crushing me on the bed, and almost hauling a foot tall scratching post towards my direction after I refused to get her a broom the second she demanded it (I ended up getting it for her anyway.

However, physical altercations between me and my mom's friend are very rare and this type of behavior is often seen as the norm in my area, so unless it's something that left bruises or sexual assault, it isn't really that big of a deal compared to the other stuff I face on a daily basis.

It only got worse after I graduated from highschool. It got so bad that it became worse than all of the countless harassment I faced throughout my highschool education combined.

I was forced to give up over 3/4s of my $700 worth of graduation money to my mother in order to pay off bills, food, and other neccessities. While I ended up snagging some small gifts for myself (apx. $120) before it was all sucked up, I know I'll probably never be able to get paid back that amount of money from either one of them and I feel extremely cheated as a result.

While I was legitimately excited to see them grow as people in a good home, my sister's kids have drastically changed for the worse ever since they've been shoved in a tiny old trailer and moved back to the classic small town community full of people with money (maybe extracurriculars will keep them busy).

The youngest of them (8), who is often dumped here on a daily basis, has disrespected us in a variety of ways including: eating at the computer after my mom's friend made a rule not to, not picking up after themselves when they did so (often leaving uneaten food out), and using every other dollar my mom had to go get candy and drinks from the Dollar Store (they stole my leftover change in front of me and lied about it, but that was a one-time occurrence).

The back room often smells like trash because my mother puts off going to the dump until the very last minute.

Nobody can keep up with the animals, use a flyswatter on the cat to keep it from climbing everything and having to lock it up so it wouldn't take the food straight off our plates while we were eating.

While two of the dogs from my mom's friend stay downstairs in the basement, the third one stays up here and refuses to go downstairs.

The dog is well-behaved (aside from agressive barking) but while it doesn't pee anywhere in the house (as far as we know), it appears to leave, traces of leftover urine on pillows, blankets, and the furniture (or at least the odor, although I felt small wet spots on the couch before) which could spread germs, not good for someone with a few open sores.

None of them use leashes, so when this dog bursts out the door it takes off up the street aggressively barking at everyone and everything, with little to no repercussions from either adult. The overly intense noise from this small dog has gotten way out of hand, making me a nervous wreck.

These two stress factors combined with everything else makes it impossible to keep the house clean by nearly any means (I'm doing my best just to sweep off the porch).

I'm grateful that my mom's friend took one last shot at trying to clean up the bedroom, but there's no point in trying to keep anything kept up when all it does is get destroyed.

Moving to my own place means I won't have to look after anyone else but me and my pets (guinea pigs). However, I don't have anyone to support me in my endeavors.

As my parents often failed to attend my physical and emotional needs, I became highly unstimulated and constantly stressed as a result. This has lead to severe bouts of depression and executive dysfunction, which has caused my mom's friend's harassment to get even worse.

Not only did they fail to properly take care of my needs all throughout highschool, we've never been able to afford ANY sort of renovations to the house during our residence here (about 8 years), aside from basic roofing which was performed by a small Hispanic business instead of a professional company. 

The only two instances of DIY fix-ups I can remember during my 8 years here are replacing the shattered windows with plexiglass (which happened years ago) and recently restoring some of the rotten floorboards under the washer that were caked in mold.

The simple act of taking a shower has now become one of my worst dreaded nightmares and unless I move to a safe environment then I won't ever be able to properly take care of myself like I dream of doing someday.

Even though it'll take top surgery to make me feel comfortable taking showers again, moving to an inspected apartment means I  have one less worry about falling through the basement and the rancid smell of burnt urine that sometimes reeks from the basement.

I never went outside much, aside from sitting on the corner of the porch since the rest of it was turned green by air conditioning water and the walkway was flooded by overgrown plants (even they've been given more respect than I have).

I often vented through various social platforms but I decided that enough is enough: I needed to grow as a person and stop shoving all my problems on others.

It was then I knew I had to find a way to escape. Unfortunately, in order to move out I needed at least a little bit of stable funding, which I'm very, very far from.

My sensory issues make it hard to gain interests in whatever food was cooked (ex. spaghetti, dumplings), and I didn't have the desire to eat expired canned greens from the food bank, which have since been covered in roach poo. They're pretty much everywhere you go.

Even the cleanest of countertops could be seen crawling with a few roaches. They reside deep within the microwave along with fried maggots from ages ago.

They have also made their way into the refrigerator, making it difficult to scour what little there is without feeling grossed out. It's getting harder day by day to tell the difference between of the smallest of bugs and pepper. Since we we can't afford a closed-top hamper, our dirty clothes are often covered in roaches trying to find a place to hide, making it difficult to gather the strength to wash them like I should.

They've also taken over my computer, rendering my unable to even touch it for months.

No amount of bombing, traps, or pesticides will clear them either. They were there to begin with, and they always come back.

There's even been an increase in other types of bugs, most notably fly's and gnats.

The Crock-Pot would often fill up with mold  every other week because me and my mother didn't like chowing down on her friend's grand "homestyle cooking" every day. 

We didn't eat it as much as we should've because it was often bland in taste and we don't know how to make her stop (I know I can't). She ended up making a fuss when we tried to make suggestions, so we let her get what she wants even if it wasting precious ingredients we could've used to make something we could actually eat.

To make up for it, I often had to buy single cans of Spaghettio's at a time from the Dollar Store and call it my meal for the day. 

Now it seems like I can't even do THAT anymore. 

It got to the point where I even considered that any drink besides water, hell even soda, could have some sort of nutritional value. It was better that eating nothing, after all.

I often pondered mother's financial choices when came to these things but as we all have been told "mother knows best" and we as children should not be allowed to question our parent's decision.

She recently told me my SSI completely cut because the government labels me as "being able to work".  It turns out that they cut my disability check as opposed to SSI but I'm still left just as broken inside as before.

Why? Because there's absolutely no way I can save up such a large amount, we need every last drop to survive off of. I've used a very small portion of it to buy some little stuff to help me cope from time to time, but I'm gonna refrain from that from now on until I completely move out.

Even though the issue has been resolved for now, I'm tired of being dragged through hoops when I know they'll just try to cut it off again. I can't keep staying here because I'm sick and tired of having our only source of income dangling on a string.

I would really like to gain some much needed work experience and I plan on applying to Wal-Mart as soon as I upload this post.

However, there's one problem: I have no source of reliable transportation to get to my job.

My mother had to borrow money off of my grandmother (as she has done in the past) in order to have the gas to pick me up from therapy this week. While that tank of gas may last a bit, this is not sustainable enough for me to keep any sort of job regardless if it were part-time or full-time. The three job options in this very small town don't offer a position that would be comfortable enough for me to perform the tasks I am assigned and two are often known for mistreating their staff members on a regular basis.

Another reason I want to get a job in a bigger city is so I can continue to work once I move closer to Wal-Mart, which will save tremendous amounts of gas money and time. To avoid the trauma of driving, I will probably be using a transport bus as opposed to using a car.

The reason it appears that I don't look after my guinea pigs as much as I should is because their cages are inaccessible making it excruciatingly difficult to clean their cages and fufill their needs. With my own apartment to live in, I will have the ability make room for them and I can organize a place for my piggies in a much more open location free of mess.

I'd really like to keep them with me when I move alone, especially considering that I adopted one all the way from Louisville (I live around the west side of KY). I want to give Marlene the proper life she deserves after traveling across the state to take her beautiful soul home with me.

While I probably won't have access to a small animal veterinarian to get a proper diagnosis, my older guinea pig Chloe (about 4 years) had a massive tumor/cyst on her leg burst open a while back.

Her weight has drastically increased to the point where she feels like a limp water balloon when I attempt to pick her up, so it lead me to assume that her body is slowly being taken over by some form of internal cancer.

Even though there's nothing I can do to heal her, my ultimate wish is for Chloe to drift away peacefully in a safe environment free of bugs and other filth. This means that not only do I have myself to care for, but my two precious babies as well.

I admit that I have been going through a slow regression in regards to financial behavior, but I would love to learn how to shop responsibly while keeping my true interests at heart. I have plenty of plushies and figurines to keep me company at the moment. Some I'll sell to make room for new ones, but most of them will there to  comfort me during stressful times.

After buying one of the most beautiful children's lamps I had ever seen at GoodWill, I soon found out that buying doesn't have to be boring and dull like all the adults have told us all our lives. I learned that you should buy furniture and clothes based on how it makes you feel instead of relying on others to tell you what to do, I would love to purchase decorations for my apartment that reflect who I want to become as a person.

Not everything should have to be about scrounging for my next meal.

However, the funds from this will go towards covering down-payment, rental costs, and buying a new setup for my guinea pigs if they are allowed at the apartment (I don't want to track bugs from the old cages, plus they need a bigger space).

I wanted to let you guys know that I will have to use a portion of the donations

to cover my mother's monthly electric bill. As much as I want to talk myself out of it, she literally relies on me for money so I don't exactly have the ability to opt-out of that right now.

The extra stuff (such as small appliances, furniture, groceries, and of course... a limited-edition plush or two) will be paid for using a compilation of my paycheck and whatever I earn off of Redbubble.

I'd love to start a YouTube channel where I do things like art, gaming, and reviews to strengthen my voice and get it out into the world in a peaceful, sanitary environment free from interruptions or harassment over a seemingly innocent/important subject matter.

There's lots of things that I missed out on when I was younger and I bet it would be so awesome to finally express myself free of constant toxicity and hatred.

I deeply love OK K.O. and I'd love to honor the impact that this person of color and his creation has left on me someday, as well as continue down my path of original content that I've been waiting to share with you guys!

[kimmie113080]

Refusing to Yield Chapter 16

This is based on real life. Just the name have been changed to protect the person identity. There is mention of all types of abuse. If that is a trig please don’t read. Reader get into a relationship with Kim Seokjin and Min Yoongi but all BTS is in this series.

I can do that Mike plus all of you have a safe trip and keep protecting Ann. We will your honor and thank you. Ann honey are you okay? Where are all of you at coming up the hill now why? Sean just left in a hurry with lady and I need to go pee. Okay we are right here. Jim and Yoongi can you guys take Ann to the bathroom.  Yes, we can do that Mike. Did Sean say why he had to leave? No, Mike but he looks a little nervous to us and Ann got upset soon as Sean pulled lady out of her lap.  What do you mean he looked a little nervous? Mike you know how someone looks nervous when they are caught in a lie? 

Yes, Bryan well that is how he looked to us when it was taking all of you a long time to get back to us. Okay thanks for that little information and thanks to both of you for getting Ann out of the flash back and panic attack. How long has Ann been taking the flash backs? She would take them here and there when she lived with us little w is tell me. What about when she came to live with you guys? Ann would have nightmares where Yoongi and I would wake her up, but the flash backs and panic attacks started almost at the end of the first tour Ann was on with us. Why are you asking Bryan? Does Ann know she has PTSD, right?  Yes, she tell us after the after the cops showed up at the apartment, they all lived before. When her mother and brother try lair about her going to their hotel and assault them. 

Okay has long as you know she has its PTSD she be okay. Bryan do you know about all this stuff. I am RN so I was trained to pick up on little things. Ann is going to need a service animal and I would say a dog would be the best for her? Dogs can tell when someone is taking a flash back or panic attack before any person can tell. Lady was starting to whimper right before Ann started saying anything. It would be in Ann’s best interest to get a trained service animal that could help with both the physical and PTSD. Bryan yes, Ann and I were talking earlier about maybe hiring you has a full-time nurse for the company not just for Ann but even for the group. I would like that this way I can be close to my brother also help with Ann after she has the surgery. What is taking so long in the bathroom.

Jim what is taking so long? Ann had accident so Yoongi is helping her change. Okay has long as it isn’t other flash back. Ann do you feel better now. Yes, papa m and can we stay in the park for a little longer. Yes, Ann honey we can stay has long as you want. Papa m do you know why Sean left so quick? I might know but I can’t be for sure just yet. Okay papa m plus, can we get a dog when we come back from the tour? Ann honey Bryan suggested that we get you a service dog because of the physical and PTSD.

I heard lady helped you out of the flash back long with Bryan and Greg? Yes, all three of them did. Bryan, I have this question for you. Why did you ask me what all I remember before I started taking the flash back? Bryan is talking before I answer that. I need to know how long have you been taking the flash backs? I think they started when I was living with little w, but I am not sure? Little w yes, Bryan long did Ann live you about 2 years and how long after that did Ann start taking the flash backs 3 months. Little w is still talking after they started, I took Ann to a doctor outside our home area because Ann was afraid any doctor would tell her parents about her medical problems.  When I explain to the doctor, she told us Ann had PTSD, but they wouldn’t put on medicine for it.

Do you know why the doctor wouldn’t put her on medicine for them. Ann told the doctor, what her mother did for the parties she threw when Ann was growing up. When the doctor learned that information, she was nervous that putting Ann on any medicine might cause Ann to take flash backs all the time. The doctor told me when Ann starts to have one just talk in a calm voice and reassure that they are not real, and she is safe. Okay so how long has it been since Ann was told she had PTSD? Ann honey how long were you with your ex living before you escape a year and half. Okay and how long were you on the run before you met Mike and the guys? 2 years on the run. Okay you have been Mike and the guys for how long now 7 months. Bryan why are you asking all this?

Ann I am trying to figure out if best to keep you off the medicine for PTSD is the best option or if you need to be one for them? Is there a pattern that anyone has seen? It has mainly been when the abuser are around, the topic of abuse or mention of medicine is brings them on why? Okay so most of the time Ann only has flash backs when certain things are mention or sight of the ones who cause pain yes. Good then we can stay the same course has the doctor who diagnose Ann with PTSD. Bryan yes little w if you hear Ann use a small voice that is a sign, she might take a flash back and that is when we usually remove Ann so she will not have one. Okay good to know she has signs of possible taking a flash back. Ann the reason I asked you what you remember lets me know that you haven’t had any trauma to your brain. Remember Ann I am a nurse so put of my job is to ask certain question and see if there is more going on then what an eye can see. Is that why you asked the first time you saw me in over 2 years if the back got worse because of the wheelchair?

Yes, Ann and to make sure that everyone around you what to do for you. Bryan did papa m talk to you about becoming a full-time nurse for the company. Yes, he did, and I said yes because with your back and PTSD you are traveling with the group a nurse should be on hand not just for you but the members also. I am glad you said yes. We should head home so I can get dinner started.  Ann you cook for everyone. Yes, I try to independent with doing stuff because I don’t want to be a burden to anyone but there are things I can’t do on my own. Which is dressing, bathing, bathroom or try to walk. Ann do you want to try walking again or do you feel comfortable using the chair all the time? Bryan what are you suggesting?

If Ann plans on having the surgery for her back. She will have to go through therapy but if physical therapy see she can get around using a walker or a cane? She might not have to be inpatient physical therapy. She can move her legs a little in the pool but when they get tired, she can’t move them at all. Okay we can start strengthening your legs by someone holding you in the pool and having you kick your legs. I will be motioned by the side of the pool and once I see you are starting to get in pain we will stop. Mike this is the best for Ann because of the flash back some hospitals and inpatient physical therapy place don’t make accommodation by calling Ann’s medicine a treat when it is in pudding or if she starts having them bad from the medicine they will put her on more treats. I will not start anything until we get back from the tour if Ann, Jin, Yoongi and Mike all agree to it. Plus, it will help strengthen her back muscle to for when she has the surgery.  Ann, Jin, and Yoongi yes, Mike how does that sound to guys because I am all for it?

All three of us are talking among are yourself. Jin what are you thinking? Ann, I don’t want you to go inpatient after your surgery maybe we should let Bryan do the therapy the way he wants to specially with your flash back the way they are? Yoongi is talking before I say yes to this. I want to know if we all are going to be helping because if so, I am all for it. Princess what are you thinking? I am nervous this might do more damage.  If I don’t try, I will have to go inpatient and run the risk of everyone that has abuse me getting ahold of me and I will never see anyone again. Those are both valuable points princesses, but what did you tell all of us when we took our little getaway? If you don’t try how are you going to know if it helps.

Jin yes, princess I can’t believe you just made me eat my own words. Sorry princess but I figure if you used them on us it is fair game to use on you. Okay let’s go back and talk to everyone specially with princesses concerns and your question Yoongi. We have talked it over before Yoongi agrees he has a question. Bryan is talking again. Yoongi what is your question. Is it only going to be one another person beside you helping Ann with the therapy you want to do or all of us going to be able to help? Bryan is talking again I should have stated that earlier it must be a group effect with everyone helping Ann out. I am for it then because I want to help my princess get stronger. Jin is talking I am also all for it, so everyone has said yes but me.

I put my head down trying to think away I can explain everything I am feeling when someone comes over to me and picks up my head. Big W and little w are looking at me has I am trying to figure out how to voice my concerns? Ann honey do you want to talk Bryan with a couple of around you and if so, who would you like? Jin, Yoongi, both of you, Fred, papa m and uncle Jim please? Okay Ann honey we can do that for you. Bryan nothing against you she just can’t voice her concerns a lot because of past dealings. Say no more Jin I understand and if this how we must handle some problems that arise then we can. I will work around however Ann is comfortable with everything. Thank you, Bryan that means a lot to us. Princess go ahead tell Bryan what your concerns are?

I am nervous about doing the therapy you want to do because it might cause more damage, but I don’t want to be inpatient either. Okay Ann let’s talk about the nervous it might cause more damage? Okay Bryan is talking now first I wouldn’t have suggested the pool if you couldn’t move your legs at all plus the pool helps take the pressure of weight off your spine. Second, I am going to be motion your body language to see if or when you start getting into pain so when can end it that day and we will wait two days after the therapy to see how you are feeling before we do more. How does that sound to you with me explaining that away? Good to me. If you can’t explain why you don’t want inpatient to me. If you have told Jin and Yoongi why let them explain it to me, so we can see how we can get around you being inpatient okay? Before you try or have someone else tell me is it about the past? Yes, it is about the past and what happened today that you are scared about?

Yes, because they keep breaking the stay away order, escaping from jail and trying to take me away from everyone who loves me and is protecting me. Okay Ann say no more. I have a friend back home who does home physical therapy if you need therapy, I am going to recommend that your physical therapy be done at home due to concern about safety. I will have them come out after we get back from the tour to make sure you are comfortable around them and everyone else trust them enough to be around you. I will never leave you to alone together no matter what even if I must go to the bathroom, I will call someone else in to be in the room with you. Bryan why are willing to make all these accommodation for Ann? My uncle Jim is asking. My brother would come home from school and tell me about one of his female classmates being abused at home and everyone was trying to get her away from her parents. He told me her name was Ann Brown but I never seen her before so I couldn’t do anything. When I saw that night at the hospital, and I walked in on her ex beating her I had to step in since I was seeing it for the first hand.

I asked the doctor who was treating to let her stay the night so she could rest. I was hoping she would have called little w that night for help and to pick her. Ann left before I had a chance to see if she had a place to stay or if she got a hold of little w. I told my brother what had happen at the hospital. He asked if she called Tim for help and I said I don’t think she called anyone for help. When Greg called me five months ago saying Ann’s ex from high school tracked her down to here. I have been coming every other weekend trying to find her and make sure she was okay. Bryan yes Ann I have this question for you. Do you call little w when you found out I was in this area? Yes, Ann I did because I know he had helped you in the past and just maybe between all of us we could found you and help you again. Ann why did you want to know.

Papa m remember when I called using my code name and little w said he would be there in 10 minutes. Little w you were already here looking for me, weren’t you? Yes, Ann I was because P called me after you left the hospital telling me what had happen and we all started looking for you. It wasn’t until Greg called starting you were here; we moved our search to this city. That is why when you called you said the code name for you and papa m I knew right where you were. Tim how did you get that fast to the mansion that fast the day papa m called you? Greg called me after learning what had happen at the hospital hoping you reached out to me for help. I told him you didn’t but if he learned any information on your possible where bouts to call me, so I could find you and protect you. Ann are you okay? Yes and no everyone my back is starting to hurt, and I am trying to wrap my brain around all this new information.

So, all of you knew I was in this city but none of you could find me. That is correct Ann but if none of you could find me then how did the ones, I was hiding from find me? Ann remember the last time you were in court because your ex the judge looked through your phone records and he put a tracker on your phone? Yes, I remember that now, about that doesn’t help with my mother finding me or how they found me at the mansion or the park? Ann remember that night your mother showed up at the apartment she said Alex called her and told her where you were. Yes, I remember that but that still doesn’t answer the rest of my question about how they found me at the mansion or the park today? Remember she said she was looking for Kevin that maybe he got word to her that you were at the mansion, but we don’t know how they found out you here at the park yet? Papa m this might sound crazy. What is it Ann honey remember how we are always moving me around in this city so no one could find me? Yes, Ann honey there has been only one person who knew I lived at the mansion and knew I was going to be here today?

Ann honey please tell me you are not thinking what I am thinking right now. I am sorry papa m, but I am thinking that Sean has been informing everyone that wants me away from all of you. He left in a hurry instead of waiting for you to come back to where we were. He left right after he told you that Bryan, Greg and lady got me out of the flash back. Ann honey I had a conference call with your mother and Sean today before I left the office today. Asking me if it was true, I am your dad, how severity your back is? I told her you should be receiving the DNA results any day now, and why all a certain she is caring about how bad your back is when she didn’t care when you were in school. I also told her since you were over the age of 18, she didn’t need to know. She asked me to protect my daughter no matter what and make sure you had a better life now then what you did before. I told her I would protect you and everyone else around would protect you.

She made me promise that I would always protect you from David, Frank and Steve if they even get out of jail.  The only one who know we were here and was by themselves was Sean. The judge is going to looking into his phone records while we are on tour to see if Sean is trying to help any of them. I know you want to make dinner tonight for everyone Ann honey, but I think you need to rest when we get home. We can order out tonight okay honey. Yes, papa m that does sound like a plan. Okay let’s go home everyone. We all get home I ask Jin and Yoongi would one of you please take me to our room for a while. I really don’t feel like being around anyone right now. Princess do you want one of us to stay with just in case you need to go to the bathroom or possible might have another flash back from everything you learned this afternoon.

No, I should be alright but just to be on the safe side hand me one of your phones I have the house set up that any phone can pick up audio feed. We will give you both our phones just in case one of us doesn’t hear it. Okay both phones are programed. You guys can listen in on the audio surveillance to make sure I am okay or if I need anything. Princess what is bothering you because the only time you are like this when something is bothering you and you have a hard time explaining your thought. Do you want us to bring up bring up Big w, little w, Fred, Mike and Jim so we can talk about what is bothering you? I don’t want to always have to lean on them to help me talk about what I am going through or what my brain is thinking. Princess you have had a rough past but there are times you are able to talk without any of them being around. Princess they also need to know what is bothering you so they can help you to. Mike, Fred, Big W, little w and Jim are your family and yes, we are your boyfriends who love you so much we just want you to be happy no matter what.

Okay you can call them up here so we can all talk but please just don’t leave the room either of you. We will not leave you by yourself right now. Jin called Mike asking him, Fred, Big W, Jim and little w to come upstairs to our room. Peanut what going on in your head right now? I am fighting to try stay out of the dark side of my brain. Why are you fighting it because I still haven’t figure out a couple of pieces to the puzzle that happen today. What can’t you figure out Ann? How did David, Frank and Steve got back out of jail so soon after they just escape, how did the judge know to be at the park today with sheriff’s to be able to help us again? Peanut I didn’t think about that either? Did anyone else think about that too?

No, us of thought about that but Ann honey you said you’re fighting your brain from getting to the dark side. What are you thinking Ann honey? Someone is helping them, but I can’t figure it out yet and it is driving me crazy. Wait I am on David’s and Frank’s bank account also I need a laptop now. Ann honey what are you going to do the same thing I did after the cops showed up at the apartment asking if I knew where mother and Steve where staying at? I am going to check accounts to see who is being paid off help get me away from all of you? I really want to believe the judge is clean in this matter for everything he has done for me, but I can’t say he is until I rule him out. Crap papa m call the judge ask him to come over by myself tell him it is a big matter. Peanut what did you find? There are payments to a lot of different people in this area. Some sheriff’s, to the warden, correction officer to the male prison and one made to the female prison where my mother is at. 

Sean is on the list to of getting money, so he is also helping them out. Something doesn’t feel right about the money going to the female prison. Uncle Jim is asking why doesn’t it feel right peanut? There are only two payments to the female prison everyone. Uncle Jim remember what papa m said. Mother asking him to protect me no matter what even if David, Frank and Steve get out of prison. What if the second payment to the female prison is for everyone to look the other away if something happens to her? Papa m we need to do something I know she has hurt me in the past, but I don’t want anything to happen to her while she is in there. It will be my fault if I can’t stop it. Papa m is calling the judge. Your honor yes, who is this it is Ann’s dad can you come over by yourself to our home Ann has just found something’s that you will be very interest in.

Okay give me about 10 minutes but your need to call the state police and have Ann’s mother move to another female prison but don’t tell the warden where you are moving her to. Why do we need to move Ann’s mother without tell the warden where she is going? Ann found only to payments made to the female prison and Ann is worried the second payment is for everyone to look away if something happens to her. Okay got it will call to make the move now plus, I am in my car own on my way to you guys. Okay see you when you get here? Papa m is talking now Ann honey we need to move you downstairs, so when the judge gets here you are in the dining room? So, you can talk to him and show him everything you found again? Papa m I think it is time we bring everyone up to speed on what is going on when the judge gets here? Ann honey that is your call, but I think you are right since everyone is willing to protect you. Let’s get this all printed out and highlight everything for it to be easier for the judge to see?

Okay I am going to need help highlighting all this stuff before the judge gets here? We all help you peanut okay. Yes, uncle Jim plus while highlighting we need to look to see if any other payments have been made to anyone else that we don’t know about? Yoongi is talking now Princess yes, how are you holding up on all this new information? I don’t know what to think or how to feel right now. Ask me again maybe once the judge leaves and everyone is up to speed on what is going on now. Just promise me no one will leave my side right with all this going on. Brain is kind of going in between good side and dark side right now? Okay princess no one will leave your side at all no matter what you are going through. Thank you everyone. Papa m is telling everyone to go to the dining room we all have work to do before the judge gets here.

Mike what is going on? Papa m is talking to everyone you all know how Ann was able to find those payments to the cops here before she called little w to help us? Yes, Mike will Ann just found more payments to the sheriff’s, both the male and female prison guards, to both wardens and to Sean so, we need to highlight all the payments and look to see if other payments where made that Ann wasn’t focused on finding them. Everyone Ann’s mother is being moved to a different prison, but no one is going to know what prison she is being move it? Why is Ann’s mother being moved to a different prison? Remember how I told all of you at the park Ann’s mother made me promise to protect no matter even if David, Frank and Steve even got out of jail? Yes, Mike well Ann has only found two payments to both the guards and warden of the female prison. Papa m is still talking Ann is thinking if there were only two payments made her mother might be in danger and had me ask the judge if we could have her moved by the state police and not tell the warden where she is being move to, so she can be safe. Bryan is talking now Ann how are you holding up with this new information? I am not going to liar on the edge with everything.

Once the judge leaves please no one leave me alone my side because Yoongi already knows my brain is kind of going in between good side and dark side with all this new information. The dark side of my brain is telling me it is my fault my mother might be in danger and the good side of my brain is telling me that she put herself this dilemma. Either way I don’t want to be left alone at all? Bryan is talking again if I start to notice anything I will take you into the living room with Big W, Fred, Greg, Jin, little w and Yoongi, so we can get you to calm and some what relax state with everything going. Does that sound like a good plan Ann? Yes, Bryan that sounds like a great plan to me. How does everyone else feel about the plan I just came out with? Bryan yes, Mike why did you mention Big W, Fred, Greg, Jin, little w and Yoongi? Bryan is talking again I know Jin and Yoongi are Ann’s boyfriends. Fred treats Ann like a little sister plus I notice how he stands right next to Ann when anyone he doesn’t know or trust yet like he is will pounce on them.

 Big W and Greg went to school with Ann plus, they can kind of get her to calm down a little and little w does the same thing as Fred does with Ann. I feel it is only right to have them go with us to the living room plus I know it is only little w and Yoongi Ann can get comfortable on the couch. I want to make Ann as comfortable, calm and relax with her telling all of us her brain is going between the dark side and good side of her brain. Papa m is talking again wow Bryan you hit on the nose with Fred and little w treating Ann like a sister and will pounce on the first threat. I also know everyone in this room will pounce on the threat too, but I can’t take everyone in the living room some need to stay to help you, Jim and the judge to go through everything. I will say this if it does start to get to be to much on anyone if we must leave to go to the living room, they are welcome to join us. The doorbell just went off before anyone goes to the door let me see who it is first? Ann do you have my security system hook up to your phone. Papa m it is hook up to everyone phone but Bryan and Greg phone yet because the program I have set up on also records and save it to everyone phones. Papa m is talking now Jim is this another trick you taught your niece? No, Mike I haven’t taught her that trick.

Greg is talking now Mike taught Ann this trick. Okay so I always have two people teaching my daughter on how to keep everyone safe. No, Mike remember Ann used the trick Ken taught her with the cops at the apartment. I will explain all my trick to you papa m once the judge leaves because he is at the front door now. I go to the front door to let the judge in and show him where we all you at. The judge is now talking Ann your dad tells me for have proof that Sean, the sheriff’s, the correctional officers and wardens of both prisons have received payments? Yes, judge that is correct but again I have not broken any law to get this information. I check to see if I was still on David and Franks bank account with my login in information and I got right in. We printed everything out and highlight the information for you to see. Ann yes judge why did you look up the bank information?

Sean left the help in a hurry when it was taking everyone but Bryan and Greg to get back to us. Something was off about it that he didn’t want to wait to make sure I was safe with everyone around me. When we got home, I wanted to be myself but both Jin and Yoongi knew something was wrong. Because the only time I want to be by myself is when I am trying to figure things out. They asked if I wanted to talk with them Fred, Big W, little w, papa m and uncle Jim because sometimes I can’t find the right words when I am around everyone. When the others came up, I started say my concerns on how everyone keeps finding we put to rest David and my mother with the apartment, but it still left the question on how they found me here and the park? Only person who wasn’t at the park was my mother plus, how did David, Frank and Steve got out of jail when they just escape a couple days ago. When Sean called you to tell you what was going on and where we were you and the sheriffs were on the scene. The only person who wasn’t around anyone was Sean. Greg had help protect me when I first came to this area because he didn’t even know I was here, and I knew it wasn’t Bryan because he protected me in the hospital the last night in my home area.

There was only Sean left since he wasn’t around anyone on the way to the park. I had to see who was getting paid off to help them. I am sorry judge, but I even looked to see if you were taking money. I know you have been helping me all the time, but I just need to put my mind at rest stating you are a good guy in all this that happen today. Ann, yes judge I am glad you checked me to be able to put your mind at rest that I am not doing everything to hurt you in the future. So, you are not mad me. The judge is talking no Ann I am not mad at you because everything you have been through sometimes the mind can play tricks on you thinking everyone is out to get you. Thank you, judge for understanding me.

[hisshissimnagini]

Joy

Sebastian sobbed and dropped the bloodstained blade on his bed. He was so distracted by the pain and the overwhelming smell of blood that he didn’t hear his little brother, Jack, come into his room.

“Seb?” Sebastian immediately covered his arm that was riddled with cuts and scars. He looked up to see an absolutely horrified look on Jack’s face as he looked at Sebastian’s wrist. Sebastian tried to give him a reassuring smile but Jack could see right through it.

“I’m fine Jackaboy. Go back to bed,” Sebastian’s voice was weak and gravelly. Jack shook his head violently.

“You have to get cleaned up Seb. You can’t let dad see those.” Jack gestured to Sebastian’s cuts with a worried look on his face. Sebastian nodded slowly.

“Okay Jack. I will. Now go get in bed.” Jack eyed Sebastian wearily but complied. Sebastian slowly got up to clean himself up. As he walked down the hallway, he heard a voice that he dreaded more than anything.

“Ophelia!” Sebastian stayed completely still, terrified to move. He tried to take a step and winced as the floorboard creaked. “Ophelia I said come here!” His speech was slurred. He’d been drinking again. Sebastian decided that it would be less painful if he faced his father immediately. He pulled his sleeves down and stepped into the kitchen. His father noticed that his sleeves were all the way down over Sebastian’s hands and started to make his way towards him. He grabbed his wrist and pulled up his sleeve to reveal the fresh cuts. Sebastian’s father spat at him and threw his arm down. “You’re not a boy, Ophelia, you’re a girl.”

“I’m not! My name is Sebast-!” He was silenced by a strong hand smacking him to the ground.

“You’re a freak. You’re nothing. You’re worthless you f-” Sebastian didn’t hear the rest as he ran to his car sobbing. He started the car and turned on the radio. As Sebastian sped away from his house he tried to get lost in the lyrics. Hello darkness my old friend. Sebastian wiped away some of the tears and tried not to think about the fact that he had left Jack alone with their father. Fools, said I, you do not know. Silence, like a cancer, grows. Sebastian quickly turned off the radio and tried to focus on the road but the tears were making it almost impossible to see anything. He drove for a little while longer until he found a nature park. Sebastian didn’t bother taking the keys out of the ignition as he stumbled out of the car and into a public bathroom. He gripped the sink to steady himself but the room kept spinning and the next thing he knew someone was shaking his shoulders and trying to get Sebastian to wake up.

“Hello? Dude, can you hear me?” Sebastian slowly opened his eyes and propped himself up on his elbows. He looked at the girl next to him and rubbed the back of his head. She smiled at him and chuckled softly. “Girl, how drunk did you have to be to wander into the bathroom and pass out?” Sebastian shook his head lightly.

“I wasn’t drunk,” Sebastian corrected her. She frowned and furrowed her brow.

“I was joking. It’s pretty obvious that you’re in a rough place right now and I just tried to ease the tension. I didn’t just want to say, ‘hey I noticed that you passed out because of self-inflicted blood loss’. That just wouldn’t be very friendly.” Sebastian rolled his eyes and stood up to leave. He looked her dead in the eyes. “And I’m not a girl.” He tried to move past her but she stepped in front of him. “Wait a sec. I didn’t even catch your name.” Sebastian sighed but was slightly shocked she didn’t ask what he meant when he said that he wasn’t a girl, seeing as he looked very feminine and hadn’t had top removal surgery yet.

“Sebastian. Sebastian Blackwell. You?” He didn’t bother trying to hide his annoyance. She quickly straightened up and put a serious face on.

“Joy Saperstein. Pleasure to make your acquaintance.” She curtseyed and smiled at him. Sebastian couldn’t help but smile a little bit. Seeing a girl like Joy-ripped skinny jeans, a baseball hat, and dirt all over her face-curtsy wasn’t something you saw everyday.

“Well it was great to meet you Joy,” Sebastian left the bathroom and was absolutely shook; his car wasn’t there. “Crap!” He couldn’t believe that he had been so stupid.

“What’s wrong?” Joy had followed him out of the bathroom.

“My car was stolen. I didn’t take the keys out of the ignition when I went into the bathroom.” Sebastian could feel tears start to form in his eyes. Joy placed her hand on Sebastian’s shoulder reassuringly and pondered his situation.

“You could ride with me. I can take you home and you can report a missing car in the morning.” Joy saw him wince when she mentioned his house. “Or you could just crash at my place.” Sebastian’s eyes lit up.

“Really? I can stay with you?” Joy laughed.

“Yeah, but don’t get any funny ideas.” Sebastian smiled.

“I wouldn’t worry about that!” Sebastian kept laughing but Joy stopped abruptly as an offended look spread across her face. She huffed and grabbed her keys and tossed them to Sebastian.

“Why don’t you get in my truck. I’m gonna put my bike in the back.” Joy stomped away as Sebastian’s smile faltered. He climbed into the truck as he wondered if he’d done something wrong. He heard a thud in the bed of the truck and soon Joy climbed into the truck with him. Joy started the engine and pulled out of the gravel parking lot.

“So what were you doing at the park at this time of night?” Sebastian said, trying to ease the tension. Joy responded without looking at him.

“I ride through the trails at night to escape from all of the pressures that I face in my day-to-day life.” Sebastian’s eyes widened. Joy seemed so laid back but this painted an entirely different picture.

“What kind of pressures?” He asked carefully. Joy groaned.

“My dad’s super rich so he always has guests at his house and expects me to always be his perfect little angel. He uses me as a way to brag to his coworkers too. Oh look at my little Joy, she’s so perfect. She’s so confident about being lesbian. She got a full paid scholarship to Yale. She’s gonna be a lawyer just like her daddy. Oh don’t you wish you had my little girl!” Joy mocked her father’s words in a high-pitched voice. “It’s why I moved out as soon as I graduated.” Sebastian looked into his lap as he thought about how much he would love to have a dad like Joy’s. She glanced over at him and decided to break the silence. “So what’s your story? How’d you end up on the floor of the bathroom?” Sebastian subconsciously moved to cover his arm.

“Um, my mom died of cancer when I was twelve. She left me, my brother, Jack, and my dad to fend for ourselves but that hasn’t really worked out well for us. My dad started drinking so I had to take care of my three year old brother by myself. He turned violent whenever I would ask for menial things like food so I started doing this.” Sebastian held up his wrist to show Joy. “Fast forward through the next six years of my life when I’m struggling to get through school because being trans, asexual, and in an abusive household doesn’t really help you focus on graduating but I did it and now I’m looking for a cheap apartment to get away from my dad and try to get Jack away from him too.” Sebastian looked at Joy and saw that there were tears running down her face. “Hey, are you okay?” Joy looked at him with eyes full of guilt.

“I’m so so sorry. You’ve been through so much and here I am complaining about my pampered life.” Sebastian shook his head.

“You don’t have to be sorry, Joy. You’re doing so much for me just by letting me crash at your place.” Joy smiled and wiped away her tears and pulled up to a really expensive house.

“We’re here.”Joy took her house key off of her key ring and handed it to Sebastian. “Go ahead and get inside, I’m just gonna put my bike away.” Sebastian nodded and went inside her house. He was amazed at the size of Joy’s house. He assumed that her father had paid for it when she told him that she wanted to move out.

“It’s a really nice house,” Sebastian said as Joy entered behind him. She came up beside him and Sebastian could see how uncomfortable she was. “So, um, I can sleep on the couch tonight,” Sebastian tried to change the subject. Joy scoffed and playfully punched his shoulder.

“Um, I don’t think so. You’re sleeping in the guest bedroom and when you get up we’ll talk about what happens next.” Joy smiled as she ushered Sebastian up the stairs when he stopped in the middle of the stairs.

“Which-”

“First door on the left,” Joy interjected. Sebastian smiled and walked into the bedroom.

Sebastian woke up to the smell of bacon and eggs cooking downstairs. He walked to the kitchen and saw Joy sitting at the table eating and watching tv. “Well look who’s woken up! Good to see you alive and well.” Joy smiled brightly. “Your breakfast is on the counter go ahead and eat it while it’s hot.” Sebastian grabbed his plate and sat it on the table across from Joy.

“So what’s the plan?” Sebastian asked her. Joy muted the tv and looked him in the eyes.

“Well I’ve been thinking all night and I’ve decided that you’re gonna stay with me until further notice.” Sebastian looked at her in disbelief until he remembered Jack.

“What about-”

“Jack? Remember how I told you my dad is a lawyer? Well I’m gonna have him help you get Jack out of there. I just have to drive over to his house today.” Sebastian couldn’t believe his ears. He was actually going to have a better life.

“Joy, that’s amazing! I can’t believe you’re doing all of this for me.” Joy smiled and shook her head.

“It’s really no big deal. Now eat the rest of your breakfast. I’m gonna go talk to my dad.” Joy grabbed her keys and walked towards the door. Sebastian ran after her and stopped her from getting into her second car.

“Joy!” She looked at him with a questioning gaze. “I just wanted to thank you. For everything.” She smiled and waved as she got into her car and pulled out of the driveway. As Sebastian closed the door he heard tires screeching and someone scream as a truck collided with a car. Sebastian immediately opened the door and ran towards the scream. He slowed down as he reached the horrific scene. Joy’s car was in a ditch and he could see Joy’s body lying a few feet away. Her bright green eyes were open as blood dripped from her head. Sebastian turned away from her and started running. No, no, no. This isn’t happening. She isn’t dead. She just isn’t. Sebastian thought to himself. It’s all my fault, it’s all my fault. She wouldn’t have been driving if it weren’t for me. She had such a bright future. Her dad lost his pride and joy all because of me. It’s all my fault. It’s always my fault. He immediately stopped running as he found himself in front of his house. His dad’s car wasn’t in the driveway so Sebastian decided to go inside. He didn’t hesitate to go into the bathroom and grab as many pills as he could find and bring them to his bedroom. I always ruin everything. I’m worthless. I’m a freak. I killed her. I can’t go on. My joy died with her. Sebastian’s usual demons came back along with a few new ones. He swallowed every pill and immediately felt his body failing. Sebastian collapsed on the bed and looked at the door as Jack stood there with a scared look on his face.

“Seb?”

“Jack,” Sebastian breathed as the world around him faded to black.

[ledmedved-blog]

write me a thing about what if yura was on the bike during beka's accident and he died. : )

                                     the  moment  it  happened  everything  went  cold.                    there  were  bright  lights  &  people  yelling  but  he  couldn’t  hear  them  ;  all  he  could  hear  was  the  terrible  ringing  in  his  ears.                      he  felt  lifeless  --  like  everything  had  been  sucked  out  of  him.                      his  whole  body  hurt  --  or  maybe  it  was  SUPPOSED  to  ;  right  now  he  just  felt  numb.                         was  that  a  good  sign. . . ?                       but  the  thing  is  --  he’s  not  focused  on  himself.                   his  head  is  swiveling  to  try  &  find  HIM.                         dazed  gaze  falls  upon  leopard  print  helmet  --  long  curls  splayed  out  under  it.                              then  he  notes  the  red  hand  reaching  out  towards  him  near  the  helmet.                            he  can’t  feel  his  arm  so  it’s  hard  to  get  it  to  cooperate  with  him  as  he  reaches  over  too,                          finally  touching  sticky  fingers.                   his  vision  won’t  focus  on  yura  --  won’t  tell  him  how  badly  he’s  hurt.                          he  just  stretches  until  he  can  hold  his  hand,                       crying  out  at  the  pain  he  DOES  feel  in  that  moment  --  not  for  himself  ;  for  the  other.                           REALITY  had  a  heavier  weight  than  his  vision.                   

                                         he  doesn’t  let  go  of  his  hand  even  in  the  ambulance  where  it’s  TOO  CRAMPED  for  them  to  still  be  holding  on  to  each  other.                             but  he  was  BREATHING  --  &  for  as  long  as  he  did  breathe,                     beka  wasn’t  letting  go  of  his  hand.                       otabek’s  not  in  good  shape  --  his  ankle  barely  scrapes  by  as  ATTACHED  ;  at  least  three  ribs  are  broken  ;  his  arm  is  dislocated.                 his  biking  gear  protected  him  from  more  critical  damage  it  seemed.                     yuri  has  it  worse.                  yuri  --  whom  wore  leggings  &  a  long  shirt  that  day.                        there  was  so  little  protection  outside  of  his  helmet.                      his  skin  is  torn  to  pieces  &  his  legs  are  bent  in  ways  they’re  definitely  not  supposed  to  bend.                         every  time  they  FIX  something  he  cries  out  in  pain  at  another  injury.                    the  paramedics  are  all  hurrying  --  worry  on  every  one  of  their  faces  as  they  try  to  save  him.                     but  then  he’s  gasping  for  air  &  they  realize  one  of  his  ribs  has  slipped,                    puncturing  his  lung.                    they’re  scrambling  then  to  try  &  get  him  air  but  it’s  obvious  to  the  one  checking  his  wrist watch  what’s  going  to  happen.                  there’s  too  much  blood  ;  it’s  coming  out  of  the  other  in  pained  coughs.

                                     when  his  hand  goes  limp  beka’s  half  out  of  his  stretcher,                pushing  against  the  restraints  that  try  &  keep  him  in  place.                         ❛    yura!   ❜                 his  voice  is  hoarse  --  coughing  harshly  as  he  tries  to  get  to  him,                       fingers  squeezing  his  hand  like  it  would  give  life  back  to  him.                        there’s  a  blaring  noise  of  the  flat  line  that  he  knows  he’ll  never  get  out  of  his  head  &  then  they’re  stabbing  him  with  something  that  dulls  his  senses  &  dares  to  push  him  under.                       he  can’t  see  through  the  deluge  of  tears  that  escape  him  with  every  jagged  breath  he  takes  --  all  on  the  same  breath  as  he’s  whispering  i’m  so  sorry. 

                                        he  can’t  attend  the  funeral.                      he’s  not  recovered  enough  to  get  out  of  his  hospital  bed  --  foot  too  mangled  to  walk  &  lungs  barely  working.                          viktor  comes  by  with  a  rose  from  the  casket.                      it  does  nothing  but  send  beka  into  a  sobbing  mess  that  raises  his  vitals  enough  to  cause  concern  from  the  nurses. 

                                         he’s  given  pain  medication  to  deal  with  his  ankle  best  he  can  --  enough  tranquilizer  to  make  sure  he  can  sleep.                             he  likes  sleeping  ;  it’s  where  he  can  see  yura  without  thinking  about  his  mangled  body.                         the  hospital  releases  him  a  few  weeks  in  --  once  he’s  attended  some  rehab  enough  to  manage  to  get  around  in  a  wheelchair  at  home  alone.                          his  sister  comes  to  stay  with  him  --  helps  cook  &  clean  while  he  sleeps.                              it  becomes  a  dull  routine  --  wake  up,                shower,                eat  something,               struggle  through  physical  therapy  with  no  real  motivation  to  use  the  stupid  leg  again,             &  just  hold  on  until  he  can  sleep  again.                         what  was  the  point  in  fixing  his  leg  ?                          he’d  never  get  to  skate  with  yuri  again  ;  nor  dance  or  even  walk.                        he  didn’t  deserve  it.  

                                         adiya  WORRIES  --  she  calls  her  parents  nightly  to  give  a  report  while  she  thinks  he’s  sleeping.                          sometimes  he  wishes  he  was  ;  she  talks  about  how  lifeless  he  looks  --  he  doesn’t  like  knowing  she’s  there  watching  him  suffer.                         she  didn’t  deserve  it.                    she  would  only  stay  as  long  as  she  was  needed  --  he’d  made  her  promise  that  at  the  start.                           she  had  her  own  life  to  live  after  all.                     so  he  puts  in  the  effort  to  get  to  the  point  where  he  can  walk  on  his  own  --  make  it  around  the  house  again  with  minimal  effort  --  &  minimal  amounts  of  pain  medication.                       with  their  bargain  being  met,                         she  has  to  leave.            

                                           that’s  where  he  gets  bad.                       she’d  been  some  kind  of  comfort  to  have  around  the  empty  house.                     but  it’s  NOT  EMPTY  ;  he  can  feel  the  other   in  his  bones  --  or  in  the  way  that  moo  looks  at  him  like  he’s  still  expecting  her  master  to  come  home.                      he  can’t  even  bring  himself  to  tell  her.                          it  was  just  a  cat.                         the  cat  is  some  comfort  in  her  own  way  ;  she  curls  up  in  his  lap  &  he’ll  pet  her  until  he  can’t  really  feel  his  arm  anymore.                         she’ll  sleep  by  his  head  &  keep  him  company  in  the  bed  that  is  far  too  big  now.                    but  she’s  not  yura  ;  no  one  will  ever  be  yura.                she  just  serves  as  a  reminder.                      so  he  calls  vitya  --  asks  him  to  come  get  her  ;  to  take  her  away  from  here.                     viktor  understands  &  agrees  --  &  beka  watches  as  moo  practically   yells  to  not  leave.                          she’d  be  better  off  with  vitya.                        that’s  all  he  can  think  as  he  shuts  the  door  on  the  both  of  them.  

                                           no  one  seems  to  notice  him  tying  up  loose  ends.                        then  again,                   he  won’t  let  anyone  come  over  to  CHECK  on  him  --  just  facetimes  them  &  quietly  nods  to  their  questions  of  his  wellbeing.                       he’s  not  okay  &  they  know  it.                       the  person  who  truly  knows  how  bad  it  is  is  the  therapist  he  skypes  with  twice  a  week.                  she  tells  him  she’s  there  for  him  &  that  things  will  get  better  &  he  won’t  feel  so  guilty  one  day.                       but  she  also  warns  to  keep  any  weapons  out  of  the  house.                       keep  his  pain  med  use  to  a  minimal.                     he  tells  her  he’s  fine  --  nothing  that  serious  going  on  in  his  head.                        that  he’s  just  TIRED.                           but  when  he  hangs  up  he’s  back  to  his  usual  self  --  nearly  catatonic  as  he  wanders  around  the  little  apartment  ;  claustrophobia  setting  into  his  veins  every  day.                            he  should  move  --  take  all  of  yura’s  things  away  &  just  move  on.                   but  he  can’t.                     something  won’t  let  him  --  the  aching  in  his  bones  to  SLEEP. 

                                            it’s  the  day  that  he  finds  the  engagement  ring  under  his  bed  that  he  makes  his  choice.                           he’d  been  planning  for  WEEKS  to  get  the  ring  on  yuri’s  finger.                      fingers  that  he’d  held  until  they  had  to  PRY  HIM  OFF.                         it  hurts  to  think  about  --  to  breathe  in  &  out.                       everything  hurts.                        he’s  supposed  to  call  his  therapist  today.                        that  call  never  happens.                          his  gaze  falls  upon  the  half  full  bottle  of  pain  pills  at  his  side  table  &  an  idea  flutters  into  weary  mind.                        sleep.                     it  would  be  DONE  &  he’d  stop  wandering  around  a  life  he  no  longer  wanted.                       stop  blaming  himself  for  a  death  he’s  sure  he  couldn’t  have  prevented.                            he  can’t  see  straight  after   five  pills  ;  fingers  numbly  playing  with  the  ring  in  his  hand.                        he  can’t  breathe  right  after  ten  more.                      the  rest  of  the  bottle  is  emptied  &  he  finds  his  bones  are  HEAVY  ;  sinking  into  the  bed  beneath  him  as  he  just  WAITS.                      when  he  closes  his  eyes  he  sees  him.                            sees  every  moment  he  ever  spent  with  him.                                 every  smile  &  hand  touch  &  kiss.                          his  chest  aches  &  his  heart  is  SLOW.                    but  he  feels  warm.                     like  he  made  the  right  choice  ;  like  yuri  would  be  waiting  wherever  he  went  next.                         if  nothing  more,                      he  could  just  dream  of  him  forever  &  be  satisfied  with  that. 

                                                 he  doesn’t  get  his  wish.                     his  doctor  called  the  cops  --  worried  by  their  missed  appointment.                               they  pump  his  stomach  &  have  him  on  a  prevention  watch  for  days.                         lack  of  care  to  his  leg  sets  the  staff  infection  ablaze  ;  unnoticed  until  now.                           they  give  him  his  choices --  they  can’t  FORCE  care.                    his  parents  beg  him  to  get  the  surgery  ;  take  off  the  leg  &   LIVE.                           he  says  no  until  there’s  one  day  that  adiya  is  the  one  who  comes.                       she  sits  on  his  bed  &  sobs  --  desperate  to  not  lose  her  brother.                       he  wants  to  say  he’s  already  gone.                   but  he  agrees  --  getting  the  surgery  to  remove  his  foot.                            she  didn’t  deserve  to  suffer.   

                                                   weeks  of  rehab  pass  before  he  can  walk  on  his  prosthetic  alone  ;  but  he’s  moved  from  his  apartment  to  his  parents  home.                          he  feels  like  a  CHILD  -----         but  then  again  he’d  be  dead  were  someone  not  looking  out  for  him.                    it’s  not  easy  ;  his  leg  aches  along  with  his  chest.                       he’d  damaged  his  body  quite  a  bit.                     yuri  would  be  furious  at  him  he’s  sure.                                   he  goes  &  sits  by  his  grave  once  a  week  ;  tells  him  about  his  time  &  just  BEGS  for  a  response.                                 one  day  when  he  goes,                       he  takes  the  little  box  &  ring,                      setting  it  down  in  front  of  his  grave.                     ❛   sorry  it  took  me  so  long.    ❜                          he  can’t  express  his  regret  for  not  having  made  him  his  husband  before  the  accident  ;  not  having  been  brave  enough.                       now  it  was  too  late  &  it  stung. 

                                                      it’s  two  years  before  he’s  able  to  get  a  skating  prosthetic.                    he  uses  up  all  of  his  savings  on  it.                       it’s  another  year  before  he  can  skate  ;  jumps  &  all.                        he  throws  himself  into  it  --  every  inch  of  a  program  designed  for  yuri.                     the  song  is  sad   &  slow  &  about  missed  chances.                           it’s  beautiful  &  the  whole  arena  is  crying  by  the  time  he’s  done  ;  chest  heaving  as  he  falls  to  his  knees  &  digs  nails  into  the  ice.                   yuri  should  have  been  the  one  on  the  ice.                      he  always  deserved  it  more.                      had  more  potential  in  his  pinkie  than  beka  had  in  his  whole  body.                   a  body  he’s  abused  so  badly  now  that  he  can  barely  breathe  on  the  ice.                      his  doctor  says  he  shouldn’t  keep  trying  -  that  he  could  stress  his  heart.                         he  doesn’t  listen  --  never  listens.                   

                                                         it’s  not  until  paramedics  are  called  onto  the  ice  due  to  him  falling  during  a jump  &  not  getting  up.                         a  heart  attack  at  twenty  five.                     his   whole  body  aches  when  he  wakes  up  &  god  does  he  SCREAM  because  he’s  tired  of  waking  up.                           no  one  will  let  him  sleep.                       how  far  into  the  ground  must  he  run  himself  before  someone  takes  him  out  of  his  misery  ?                   

                                                            he  hears  from  vitya  that  moo  is  gone  ;  old  age.                   another  year  &  yura’s  grandfather  has  passed  as  well.                        every  trace  of  yuri  was  vanishing.                          he  attends  the  funeral  with  no  expression  --  no  feeling  evident  on  his  face.                       people  call  him  callous  for  not  crying.                    it’s  simply  that  there  are  no  tears  left.                         he  goes  to  yuri’s  grave  &  tells  him  he’s  glad  he  can  be  with  his  family  again.                          he  doesn’t  really  believe  his  words  but  it’s  the  only  comfort  he  has.                     vitya  finds  him  there  &  sits  with  him  until  beka  finally  breaks  down  crying,                     to  which  viktor  holds  him  close.                            

                                                              viktor  helps  him  afford  a  new  apartment  --  somewhere  nearby to  himself  in  hasetsu  to  make  sure  he  knows  he  has  support.                        it’s  when  he’s  cleaning  the  old  apartment  that  his  phone  BEEPS  at  him.                         he’d  recently  had  to  get  a new  one  --  seems  phones  didn’t  last  when  you  threw  them  against  walls.                      there’s  a  popup  on  the  screen  that  tells  him  files  have  been  transferred  from  his  old  phone.                 ��    he  doesn’t  know  what  to  expect  until  he  sees  the  hundreds  of pictures  of  yura  &  himself.                   every  picture  they’d  ever  taken  together  floods  his  phone  &  his  chest  feels  like  it’s  on fire.                     he  can’t  breathe  as  he  calls  vitya  to  come  help.                   he  has  a  key  just  in  case.                     he  hates  feeling  so  useless  --  having  to  be  held  by  someone  else  to  hold  himself  together.                

                                                  when  he’s  quiet  vitya  quietly  murmurs  that  there’s  a  voicemail  on  his  phone.                 it  transferred  from  his  old  phone.           he  never  checked  them  --  bad  habit.                         yuri  always  went  through  them  for  him.                       he  sees  who  its  from  &  god  does  his  throat  sting.                     he  always  asked  yuri  to  call  or  text  him  whenever  his  plane  landed  so  he  knew  he  was  safe.                     he  knew  what  it  meant  so  he’d  never  bothered  to  check  it.                      vitya  advises  that  he  probably  shouldn’t  listen  --  but  beka  shrugs  &  hits  play.                    his  voice  is  clear  &  grumpy  --  he’d  just  woken  up.                            ❛   someones  gonna  have  to  move  closer  because  these  plane  rides  are  a  pain  in  the  ass. . .                         but  at  least  i  get  to  see  you.     ❜                       there’s  a  smile  in  his  voice  &  beka  whimpers.                   ❛      the  plane  landed  &  fine.                  a  little  sore  from  the  kid  who  keeps  kicking  my  chair.               remind  me  to  do  that  to  jj  next  time  we  fly  with  him...                 anyway  --  come  get  me.                 i’ll  be  waiting  out  front.                      i  love  you.    ❜     

                                                     it’s  another  year  &  he’s  back  on  the  ice  --  &  he’s  done  a  quin  jump.                           the  doctor  screams  at  him  but  he  doesn’t  care.                       he’s  back  to  where  he  once  was.                    everyone  congratulates  him  --  even  jj.                       for  once  he’s  not  hung  up  on  the  fact  that  he  wishes  yura  were  the  one  there  to  greet  him.                     of  course  it  still  rattles  there  in  the  back  of  his  mind.                       but  he’s  okay  for  now.                   &  okay  is  all  he  can  ask  for. 

                                                     it’s  his  thirtieth  birthday  when  vitya  announces  he’s  found  someone  for  beka  to  go  on  a  date  with.                       he’s  resistant  --  too  broken  to  be  loved  as  he  liked  to  put  it.                          viktor  doesn’t  let  up  until  he  agrees.                          it’s  a  girl  --  short  &  black  haired.                        she  dances  ;  it  makes  his  chest  ache.                         but  she’s  missing  her  leg  too  --  a  more  considerable  chunk  than  him.                        doesn’t  stop  her  from  dancing.                          he  admires  her  --  finds  inspiration  in  her  tireless  work  ethic.                           in  three  years  they’re  engaged.                   nine  months  later  a  little   boy  is  born.                    

                                                               his  middle  name  is  yuri.