#which fucking sucks because they DESERVE to be considered as their own independent group

[lopez-richter-fangirl]

I think the issue with the algorithm might also have to do with the branding being cult themed but idk I just don't know how to help anymore. I can't back anymore and I've shared it with multiple friend groups but I feel like that's not gonna help

I think that’s the cult thing is part of it too and it sucks because it’s such a well branded campaign for a lot of the audience, but it probably isn’t drawing in the people at the fringes. It is EXHAUSTING because yeah I’m sharing it as much as I can and I hope that has got some more people to back but it is hard to see how we can get as many as we need. Because I did the math knowing it would be way out of reach and it is like, if everyone who’s currently backed upped a whole $175. So we need a lot more people. And I wish it didn’t have to come to this but tbh the thing I think would probably help the most is if they put out a video on the starkid channel

[monmuses]

NEW YEARS REVIEW

     Man... where do I even start with this? Buckle up, this is going to be a long ride to review. I’ve gone through some shit and I am going to be tagging people that I’ve met, but please beware of the following topics I mention:

Depression, Mentions of Suicide, Mental Health, Self-Deprication, Anxiety, and Mentions of Mental Illness

     Alright, now let’s get into this:

     I, so far, have experienced a friendship fallout where I almost lost my best friend, a marriage dispute where I was stuck in the center trying to resolve both sides, being the “mommy” to an emotionally desperate 25-year-old who I only friended for a friendship but was used for his emotional baggage, and witnessing my own friends suffer from callout posts that they DID NOT DESERVE. I’ve had to help myself with my own depression and figure out how to keep going without giving up, but here’s my overall review of the year.

     Around last year’s Christmas, I begun college. I moved across state to Idaho to a college town and being five minutes away walking distance. I packed up all of my things, stored the rest, and ended up there with some roommates. It was actually a pretty nice start! I had high hopes because I finally got to experience independence and I was able to get away from my mom! I was excited and I got to be able to manage things on my own. I loved the snow, I loved the cold, and it was right in the middle of winter. I was so excited and was ready to start!

     Two weeks into my new start, I ended up experiencing THE worst friend drop. A friend who I THOUGHT was close to me and loved to talk Jekyll & Hyde about dropped me. They are notorious for disappearing for two weeks to a MONTH without warning and ghosting me until they felt well enough to say hi. We had so many good talks, I stuck with them and even threw out writing ideas for them when they were stuck. I helped with some character designs and blogs, but in the end? I was the selfish person. In their eyes, I was using them and was only their for artistic talent when I was there to be friends. I shared everything with them but they NEVER told me what was wrong.

     I left on my own terms after one of my other friends was ditched by them without warning and I ended up getting the broken bottle of bitterness straight to the face. I was called a number of names, being told that “they knew I wouldn’t ever be capable of change and that I will always be stubborn”. Needless to say, I suffered. That was the start to my depression.

     @vampyrnacht​ is someone who I consider a really good friend of mine. He was one of the other people that suffered from this in January and it was a situation that started speculation around the end of October. We’ve been constantly talking together and sharing ideas, but he’s just great. I love Milan to death and he’s just really fucking cool.

     Over the course of January all the way to June/July, I experienced moments of major insomnia and self-deprication. I hated how I felt about myself and thought of me as a sponge for people’s emotions. That’s all I was to people and I kept sucking it up wherever I went. I left an awful friend group after a month of joining because the owner was an emotionally-draining piece of shit that needed a mother for a girlfriend to take care of him. He confessed his crush to me a FEW DAYS into knowing him and I felt trapped. I was exhausted and it was in the worst month of the year for me, which was February. It took me the entire month to finally figure out that I did not deserve to deal with this shit. I left and ended up hearing about the worst tantrum he ever experienced from two separate people. Needless to say, I was pretty satisfied with being able to put my foot down.

     However, with all of these situations that have happened, I still suffered from moments of anxiety where I could not eat. I didn’t want to leave my apartment and I didn’t go to half of my classes. It got to a point where I suffered from MAJOR insomnia and didn’t want to sleep because of how shitty I felt about myself. I hated me as a person and I still hate how I am. There’s things about me I hate and I psychoanalyze myself in so many ways to where I find little reason to think I am deserving of anything. I like keeping quiet about most things

     May rolls around and I met @shermphibia when I first started adding canon muses (and was after the start to my second semester of college). Through him, I got to meet a number of LOVELY people. I have to thank Fink for letting me meet so many new folks. If it wasn’t for him? I probably wouldn’t have met so many people and I wouldn’t have the attention my blog has today. Xenophanes wouldn’t be my best muse, and I wouldn’t have made so many friends.

     June hits around, and in some way, I somehow fell in between a major fight. The one in question who started all of it is long gone, but I am still friends with the other person who I think is a very sweet person. Special mention to @th0rneprincess​ for being such a trooper and a genuine sweet person to talk to. I love Zi to death and I hope I get to write with you soon!! And another mention during this is @flyatahighergame​.

     Loke is one of the BEST people I have ever met. I see them as an honest-to-god older sister and she is really, really awesome. One of the toughest and most honest friends too. I love them to death and they are some of the wisest people too. I trust her with my life. She helped me through some of the tightest spots I’ve been in this year and gave me some pretty damn good advice. They singlehandedly helped me with this situation and was the only other sweet voice I could rely on for help.

     Around the end of July, I made it home. Shit happened to where I was punished for a number of things I did due to how poor my mental health was and I managed to get into therapy around September. However, since being home, my mom has been responsible for why I am who I am. Through the Besties Against The Throne server, I also met one of my other closest friends: @resiliency-in-starlight​.

     Usa is THE reason why I got further into South Park and ACTUALLY started writing South Park muses. Years ago, I actually got into the show when I was 14-15 years old (daring and awful, but I only watched clips). She is also why I write Damien and Pip now. I previously added some other muses, but I genuinely love talking to her. I got to know her more over time and she is someone I really consider a close friend that I’ve made this year. I love her to death too.

     Here I am now: It’s after Christmas and I’m typing this, trying to include everybody I can remember before finishing it up. I have gotten better at my writing, I now have a job, and I have hobbies that I continue doing to this day. I’m hoping to go back to college again ONCE I am in a better headspace mentally and can manage things on my own. I’m looking forward to a better year and one that I can survive a little better compared to last year’s.

     Some special mentions to @boriiqua​ @pvachypessa​ @purple-paw-muses​ @smileduponyou​ @bambino-muses​ @pompedia​ @dragcns-den​ @serpentine-rogue​ @aseriouscomedian​ for new friends I’ve made this year (and a few other old friends that made a comeback too) and to everyone else I got to know that I can’t tag right now! I have met a lot of special people this year that have singlehandedly got me to be better than I was before. Thank you to all of you that I got to become moots with this year too. Here’s to a better 2023!

[glitxhwayventeen]

Lonely Together

Jihoon: Chapter 1 (Perfect)

Characters: Jihoon x female reader

Genre/Warnings: multi-member au (different scenarios), werewolf au, fantasy, smut, angst, fluff, potential blood mentions, genocide, runaways, domestic violence, child abuse, abandonment, homelessness, hunger, violence. Any others will be put as warnings when future chapters are thought up/written.

Author’s Note: I recommend listening to Perfect by Ed Sheeran before reading this. That’s the song I thought of while writing this because it makes me feel some type of way you know?

Please remember that all of these chapters and the content within them are a work of fiction! They’re just for fun/entertainment!

Bold= Dialogue Italics= Thoughts

🥀 & ☁️

Lonely Together Master List

Chapter 1: Perfect

It had been so long since you’d been around so many people. It made you antsy. You didn’t understand a lot of what was going on in the house. The constant noise scared you. It had you on such an edge that you nearly screamed everytime one of them coughed.

To be fair, before you had met them, you’d honestly jump at footsteps. Because footsteps meant humans, and humans meant danger. Not to mention that you were still not used to being in your human form. You preferred to stay a wolf, you were stronger when you walked on all four legs, and you weren’t as noticeable.

Your human appearance was… striking to most people to say the least. Your bright eyes and darker skin with salt and pepper curly hair made everyone around you always stare at you. You understood it somewhat, you didn’t match everyone else’s looks in Korea. But that didn’t mean you liked people watching you all the time, you hated being the center of attention. So to say you were still adjusting to being around people after having lived alone for centuries was a bit of an understatement. It was all so new to you. You had a new feeling now too. You just weren’t sure what it was…

At first, you thought maybe it was hope. You hadn’t hoped in such a long time, it would bring tears to even the most hardened criminal’s eyes. But you weren’t that good at trusting that human part of you. So you decided to go off of what you knew. And, even though you hadn’t been there long, two weeks at the most you thought, you learned a lot of things about them. You knew all but one of the wolves had a mate. You knew that two of the alphas butted heads on how to lead the pack a lot and that one just watched from the side and did everything behind the scenes without causing too much distress to the others. You knew they all loved each other, no matter what they said or how much they fought. You also knew that, being around them made you feel more alone than you’ve felt in decades.

When you were younger, you didn’t mind being alone. It meant that you didn’t have to rely on anyone, it meant you only had to look out for yourself. And as you got older, it just felt… right. But being around this house full to the brim with people, you started to realize just how much you missed being part of a big family. They treated you like you were one of them. Which was weird to you… because they didn’t really know you. I mean sure they saved you from imminent death, but they didn’t know you from Adam.

The more you thought about your current situation, the weirder the feeling got. The closer you got to each one of them, the stronger the feeling got. And when you got close to one of the quiet ones in particular, you swore it felt like your heart was singing to you. It was something you weren’t sure you’d ever get used to, but it wasn’t something you necessarily hated either. Whatever the feeling was, you’d figure it out eventually or it would go away on its own… right?

Still, You got to eat first with the other mates, well the mates minus Soonyoung. He may have been Seungcheol’s mate but 1.) he was a wolf unlike the other mates and 2.) he was a male wolf so he ate just as much as the other boys did. So they didn’t think it fair that he get to eat with all of you. Or them…. Or-whatever. You didn’t know, you just knew they offered you and the other girls food first and, considering you used to have to hunt for your food or you didn’t get to eat, you were definitely NOT complaining. Soonyoung though, you learned, had a tendency to whine about any and everything that he didn’t like.

“Aww come on again! No fair! (Y/N)’s just as much of a wolf as I am! Why does SHE get to eat first when I don’t??” Soonyoung decided to voice aloud, grabbing his plate with both hands and semi-patiently waiting for his turn to grab food.

You didn’t mind of course. You did think he had a point. It didn’t seem fair to him. Either he should be eating with the other mates, or you should be eating with the other wolves. So you agreed.

“He’s got a point. I should be eating with the other wolves. I eat more than the other girls after all” you shrugged matter of factly to the lead alpha, who was also his mate, who was hunched over the stove making said breakfast.

The thing is, Seungcheol did understand the argument. And he personally saw merit to the concerns, whether it was because it was a genuine point or whether it was just from months of his mate complaining about it, he didn’t know. Still, he saw it’s reasonings and thought they could be sound.

BUUUT, he also knew that SOMEBODY would definitely NOT be happy if you had to wait and fight the boys for food. It seemed everyone, wolves and mates alike, but you understood that Jihoon had imprinted on you already. Maybe you just didn’t know much about it, or maybe you knew and just decided you didn’t want to know, either way, it wasn’t for him to decide or judge.

So, as he looked over to the table of boys who were ACTUALLY patiently waiting their turn to dig in, his eyes landed on Jihoon, who shook his head and narrowed his eyes at the older wolf in return. Of course you didn’t notice this action, you were always more in your own head than you were in conversations.

“Sucks to suck kids. I make the rules and I say you eat with the mates. End of story. Sorry love!” he declared, once again moving his eyes ever so slightly to Jihoon, who nodded his head slightly as he smiled triumphantly.

He was NOT about to let his newfound mate eat the other mates leftovers with the other wolves. No. That was absolutely NOT happening. He may not have “officially” expressed that you were his mate, but he’d be damned if he wasn’t gonna do everything in his power to make sure you were happy, healthy, and well fed.

“But-” you argued, trying to bring your point’s validity up to him again.

“But nothing (Y/N). Sure you eat more than the other girls. But you DEFINITELY don’t eat as much as the boys do. Even if you are a wolf. Besides you’re one of-” he trailed off just as someone around the room hit the table slightly and coughed. Everyone but you realized where he was going with that sentence, and Jihoon wasn’t ready to face that just yet.

“-One of our guests.” Seungcheol thought after a moment, clearly lying his ass off but hoping he did a good enough job that you didn’t notice. Luckily for him, you weren’t all that great at social cues. “Therefore you shall not be eating whatever’s left, you’ll get first dibs with the other girls.” He said as he sat one of the plates of remaining food left from what the mates couldn’t eat down on the table, kissing his pouting mates forehead in the process.

“Don’t worry about Soonyoung. He’s just a baby. He’ll get over it. You deserve to be eating with the mates.” Spoke the smallest boy of the pack with a smile that seemed to light up as bright as a bonfire whenever you looked him in the eyes. He was the one that had your heart singing whenever you were in the same room. His little declaration made your cheeks heat up.

“O-Okay, I guess. I still don’t think I’ve done anything to deserve the special treatment… but thank you” you resolved with a polite smile back, doing your best to hide the pink covering your face. His heart rate sped up to jackrabbit speed as his inner wolf seemed to beamed at your answer.

“No (Y/N). Thank YOU.” Hansol retorted with a shit eating grin on his face. What he wanted to say was “thanks for helping one of the assholes in the group become juuuuust a little less of an asshole by being his mate,” but obviously he couldn’t do that without getting his ass beat.

“Thank me? Thank me for what?” You questioned, genuinely curious as to what he was thanking you for. You hadn’t done anything to warrant a thank you… had you?

“Oh nothing. Don’t worry about it. You’ll find out… eventually” He let out, looking at Jihoon, earning a smack from the older wolf and a small growl. Though he whined for a second, Hansol still began to laugh at his actions.

“…Okaaaay…” you said, trying your best to forget the conversation as a whole so you could eat the remains of your pancakes. Man these guys are weird.

-

Jihoon wasn’t sure exactly what he should do. He knew he couldn’t deny his instincts forever. But he wasn’t so sure about this whole “mate” thing. I mean, who was he kidding, he got along better on his own. He survived on his own for his entire life, at the orphanage, at school, even in his pack. For the most part, he kept to himself. He was SEVERELY independent, and he liked it that way. People just always managed to bring attachments and strings. Even still, He couldn’t cut off his pack. I mean don’t get him wrong, he loved those idiots and would do anything for them, but fuck, if they didn’t have the dumbest ideas and get themselves into the stupidest shit sometimes.

He knew his survival instinct told him to just ignore the feelings he had for you and act like nothing happened to protect himself. It’s not like you had noticed anyways. But the wolf part of him loved the idea of having a mate. For the longest time, he had to sit around and watch his brothers find their mates and fall in deep love. He watched Seungcheol find Soonyoung first a few months after he had met him. Then Joshua found his mate, Mina, after a few weeks of knowing him. Even little Channie imprinted on his mate, Somi, after just two days of Jihoon being acquainted with him.

Before he knew it, it was just him left without one. They always seemed so… happy and he just… wasn’t. He didn’t mind of course. He was glad his brothers found happiness. But he soon came to realize how lonely being alone truly was. He’d see his pack and their mates do cute things and, his heart was struck with a dull pain that never seemed to lessen, and at the time he didn’t understand why that was. But when he saw you, he knew the whole time he was yearning for you. When he saw you, for once he didn’t completely loathe the idea of taking care of or protecting another person. Even if it meant becoming one of the “lovey people.” He saw you and, one bat of your beautiful eyelashes and he knew, he would gladly lay his life down for you. How could he not?

You were caring and kind, even if you didn’t like to show it. You held yourself high, even if you were small. You were little, but you were mighty. You were smart, yet funny. You hardly spoke, but when you did, it was always something memorable. You never seemed to hold your true self back. He already knew that you were Perfect for him, even if he’d hardly spoken to you. He just couldn’t help the sane part of him that was very weary of the whole situation.

As Jihoon debated his true feelings for you over his breakfast, the other wolves went and conversed with each other. They tried to speak to you too, but you never really had a lot to say. You preferred to listen, which they weren’t all that surprised at. Jihoon was the quiet, calm, smart wolf, so it’s no surprise that his mate was the same way. You’d both always seem to get lost in thought almost simultaneously. You’d both come back to Earth at the same time too, always with very similar excuses.

Though everytime your eyes met, you’d both look away, trying your best to hide the blushes that spread across both your cheeks. It was kind of cute and the pack loved that their brother wouldn’t have to be all alone any longer. He’d no longer have to just sit on the side lines while they all had the time of their lives. He now had you, even if you didn’t realize it yet. You could both be Lonely Together.

Another Author’s Note: I know this chapter is relatively short compared to the others I’ve written so far, but honestly, your girls tired as fuck. I work a full time job, go to school full time, and take care of a lot of my family’s household. Let’s just be lucky I can write at all. Plus, I wrote Wonwoo’s story earlier today too. So let’s just call it a success and I’ll write a better chapter for him next time!

(Updated 9/6)

[sideblog-666-thousand]

Euronymous Interview in Decibel of Death, ‘87. English Translation. Ft. Euronymous’ depraved torture fantasies involving Coca-Cola.

‘Decibel of Death’ was a French fanzine from the 80s. It’s first issue was released in ‘86, and by the summer of ‘87, it switched over from French to English-language. This has been my favourite interview of Euronymous for a long time now, so I decided I’d translate it to English so that other, non-francophone, people could enjoy it too. This issue in particular is from February of ‘87, and was their fourth issue overall.

I’ll add a link to where you can find this, and other D.O.D scans, below. If anybody wants me to translate more French, or Russian, interviews, feel free to PM me.

Note: NDLR is the editor’s notes. Any commentary or context by me will be in bold and in parenthesis, so feel free to totally ignore it. If something is between “« »” it’s because it was already written in English to begin with.

Disclaimer: if some of the sentences sound like the energizer bunny is hooked on an iv rig full of pure meth, don’t blame me, I did my best. Take it up with Euronymous himself. Also, I’m not excusing Euronymous’ poor behaviour, I’m just saying his poor behaviour is kind of entertaining.

Without further ado...

D.O.D: And once again, here’s Norwegian Mayhem. If you remember, we presented them to you back in the May issue of D.O.D. Since then, they released a new demo titled “Death Crush”!! Because of this event, we decided to ask the guitarist of this rather sinister band a few questions.

D.O.D: Okay, there’s been more than a few line-up changes in Mayhem. Can you tell us what the current one is?

Euro: Alright, there’s me on guitars, Manheim on battery, Necro-butcher on drums, and our session vocalist, Maniac.

D.O.D:  And what is the medium age of the group?

Euro: We are all 18 years old.

D.O.D: How long has Mayhem been around for?

Euro: Mayhem has been around since August of ‘84 with this line-up, before that, I played in another shitty metal group that was also called Mayhem. The other members also played in a crappy band before we all met.

D.O.D: How would you describe your music?

Euro: Ah, well, it’s like a wall of sound played at extreme speed all mixed with the sound of a chainsaw!!

D.O.D: In your opinion, who are the biggest posers on this planet?

Euro: That definitely has to be the Swedish group ‘Europe’. «Fuck them!!» I hate this band!!

D.O.D: Ha ha, what would you like to do to make them suffer?

(This is the exact moment where the interviewers realize that Euronymous is literally fucking insane. The editor censors some of the things Euronymous says because he has a very vulgar manner of speaking, so, brace yourselves. To make it abundantly clear— I didn’t censor any of this, if it was me, I’d let him continue swearing ‘til next year if he wanted to. Take it up with D.O.D!)

Euro: First of all, I’d cut them and make them eat their own (bleep)!! Then, I’ll fuck them in the ass with an empty bottle of Coke, and if they’re still alive somehow, I’ll drown them in their own piss!! (NDLR: I’d do the same to a few guys in Germany and Switzerland!!) But all of this is reserved for their guitarist, drummer and bassist, I have a far crueler torture for their singer, for him, I’m simply going to break his mirror and steal his perfume!! Haaaaafuckinghah!!! (NDLR: ahahahaha, this is so much fun!!)

D.O.D: Okay, Euronymous, onto more serious topics, who composes the most in Mayhem?

Euro: It’s me and Necro, but sometimes Manheim comes up with good riffs, he actually wrote most of P.F.A (Pure Fucking Armageddon)

D.O.D: I believe thrashers reacted pretty well to your first demo, right?

Euro: Despite the zero sound of this demo. It's true that it's actually the hardcore thrashers that appreciated it, although it was the others hating it that gave us an enormous promotion like with 'Metal Forces'.

D.O.D: Has there been groups that have influenced you?

Euro: Of course, early Venom has really inspired us, although we don’t sound like them in any way. We’re also influenced by bands like Hellhammer and Sodom.

D.O.D: Mayhem is a common band name, what do you think of other Mayhem (such as NYC Mayhem, Mayhem (WC), Mayhem (Oregon))?

Euro: NYC Mayhem* are excellent, I adore them! (NDLR: me too!!) and they call themselves NYC Mayhem. But as for the other Mayhems, they stink, «fuckin’ shit»,  like the Mayhem that’s on Metal Massacre VI*, they really stink, their music isn’t destructive like ours is at all, they don’t deserve this name, I hate them!!

D.O.D: I heard you guys played a show, how did that go?

Euro: It was really «cool», it was at a small rock festival that had around 3-400 «discofucks» (NDLR: this is the censored translation) and when we went on stage with our first session vocalist “Messiah”, we broke a bass over their mouths!! We gave these idiots hell!! Ha ha!! (I’ll link the show he’s referring to below)

D.O.D: And how did your other gigs go?

Euro: For now this has been our only show!! And we don’t know how the crowds will react at the prospect of future gigs.

D.O.D: Fair. Since we’re talking about future gigs, what will those be like?

Euro: They’ll be full of occult things, we’ll play in complete darkness and there’ll be red blood spots, chandeliers, smoke, and pig heads on stakes, it’ll be totally thrashing!!

D.O.D: How’s the Norwegian thrash scene? It’s pretty dull, no?

Euro: Right now, «it sucks», there’s no audience, but it seems to be going in the right direction with bands like Vomit*, Septic Cunts, Decay Lust, and Flowers in The Dustbin.

D.O.D: And what kind of things are your lyrics about?

Euro: depravity, like tearing someone’s (bleep), eating worms, and all those fine things!!

D.O.D: What are your favourite bands?

Euro: Really hard question, there’s so many good bands coming out but I think the bands I like the most are old Venom, Deathchamber, Sodom, Necrophagia, Destruction, Death, Kreator, Poison. (No, not THAT Poison)

D.O.D: Do you ever listen to hardcore?

Euro: «Yeah» I like Chaotic Discord, Septic Death, UK Subs, and others. It hasn’t been that long since I went to see Disorder and it was awesome!!

D.O.D: Are you considering going on tour?

Euro: No, not exactly. But soon we’ll play at a Norwegian thrash festival. We’ll also play at a thrash festival in Copenhagen, and probably do a few shows with Kreator/Necrophagia in ‘87.

(No, this isn’t a typo on my end, it actually says ‘87. There’s two reasons why this might be the case. One, it could be an error on the part of the editor, who deserves an interview of his own, or two, it could be an error by Euronymous himself since the interview might have been conducted in January. Euronymous could have mixed the years up as one sometimes does. However, ‘Death Crush’, the demo, actually came out in March of ‘87. What the interviewer and Euronymous are referring to as ‘Death Crush’ is likely ‘Death Rehearsal’, which is exactly what it sounds like, and was taped back January of ‘87.)

D.O.D: I heard you guys are recording a new demo, is it ready?

Euro: We just entered the studio to record the second “Death Crush” demo, but at the moment, we only have three songs. I’m also unsure of whether or not we’ll have enough money to record anything else, and the vocals still haven’t been put to music!!

D.O.D: There’s some rumours that you guys were contacted by certain record labels, is this true?

Euro: It’s true, we got a letter from Axe killer records saying that they were interested in us but they never listened to our music and I also sent them our demo tape but I don’t believe we’ll be receiving any letters from them now!!

D.O.D: Do you have anything to add?

Euro: Of course, «fucking ARGHHHH!!»

There, that’s all :)

If you’re interested in some of the asterisks I put in, here they are in order of their appearances:

*Unlike most of the bands Euronymous named in this interview, NYC Mayhem (and later as Straight Ahead) never released more than a few demo. They were a straight edge band from, you guessed it, NYC— Queens to be exact. Despite never releasing a full album, their sound inspired some grindcore and death metal bands, notably Carcass. They were also straight edge, which makes Euronymous’ mental breakdown over the Mayhem that was on Metal Massacre very, very ironic. Especially considering he was pretty straight edge himself, especially back in 1987– outside of maybe smoking some pot.

Here is their 1985 demo, https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=t-3geR1JbY4

*Metal Massacre is a series of compilation albums starting in 1982, released by Metal Blade records. Typically, these were independent and unsigned bands. Some notable ones include Metallica on the first edition with ‘Hit the lights’. Slayer in ‘83 with ‘Aggressive Perfector’. The ‘84 edition had Voivod, Overkill, and Hellhammer.

The one which Euronymous is referring to, however, is the one from ‘85. Here it is, the timestamp is 14:19 https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=HqwfsLvLvuY

It’s really not that bad— certainly not worth the double exclamation points.

*If you don’t know who Vomit are, you must not know much about early Mayhem. They were another thrash band who shared rehearsal space with Mayhem. Torben Grue and Kittil Kittilsen (what a sad fucking name) were also ‘in’ Mayhem at some point. Kittil once shaved off his eyebrow, but I don’t know why. Here is a picture of the dork:

The show Euronymous is talking about: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=mjay2Lmj9C8 yes, this is the show where Euronymous flashes his ass. I think it’s funny because he talks big but he seemed very hesitant to do it, and practically ducked backstage afterwards. Necro, on the other hand, was very proud to have broken his bass.

Well, that’s all I have. If you read this far, I hope you enjoyed the additional notes I left. Outside of a few more interviews of Mayhem, I also have a few obscure Emperor interviews that were posted to the internet in late 90s. There’s an especially funny one where Faust is allowed to interview Ihsahn and Samoth from prison. He’s sarcastic the entire time, refers to the readers as ‘morons’ and proclaims everyone should all die in a nuclear war with the same energy you cross yourself with. Overall, it’s a funny read. I also have one where he interviews Varg, and Euronymous (separately) for his own ‘zine back in the early 90s. Actually— I have A LOT of interviews of Faust for some reason, including two where he’s actually on camera. I might post them if I feel like it, or if somebody wants them. Is anyone here an especially big fan of Faust?

Last but not least, here is the link to the ‘zine:

http://france.metal.museum.free.fr/revues/fanzines/decibel_of_death/04/page_03.htm

[skekheck]

How about an urru rating list? Even though there's not much info on these guys, I like to hear what your opinions are on them. Thank you

FUCK YEAH LET’S GOOOO (and you’re welcome asdf)

1. urVa: Best mystic 10/10. But in all seriousness, the reason why I love him so much is because of the book series. He’s just a sweet grandpa hermit who lives in a hovel and offers you stew or tea. I love the scene where he’s showing Naia how to use a bow even though his was way to big for her. Or how protective he was of both her and Kylan when they saw Tavra’s silhouette from afar. I’m sure he was thinking that might have belonged to someone else. Although their scenes weren’t as plenty, their friendship was very sweet. Not to mention he’s a little more proactive in the gelfling resistance, even stopping other skeksis besides his counterpart (skekLi in Song). I just wish Flames allowed Naia to mourn over him properly. But I’m also not knocking his appearance in AOR: he’s great too I just wish he had more spotlight on him. I want to know more about his friendship with Aughra (how it extends from MalVa) and the complicated relationship he had with skekMal (because there are signs that he had conflicted feelings about his counterpart as he showed genuine sadness over “ending the Hunt”). Also the fact that even despite his age, he’s still strong and stealthy (and apparently good at martial arts) and that’s pretty rad. Also x 2 I love his design it’s really good. urVa is just *chefs kiss* the best. His sacrifice never fails to hurt me, though. Fuck you skekMal, urVa didn’t deserve this.

2. urLii: He’s a really close second. Honestly if he gets significant screen time in future seasons he may take urVa’s place. This is also mainly because of the books, but also from the few things I know about his appearance from the prequel comics. He a little senile cave gremlin taking care of Thra’s old artifacts. I’m still sad that in the comics only Maurda Argot knows about him because it just seems like urLii’s the Grottan’s silly grandpa who tells them stories about the artifacts in the Tomb of Relics. But I’m glad that the two have something similar to Aughra and urVa’s dynamic it’s great. I also seriously love his sense of humor. Like he lightly picks on Ordon for laughs and calls him Ordie.  In the books, it can get pretty dark (making death jokes at his expense) and I love the fact he shares that with skekLi. And speaking of, when urLii and urVa stopped skekLi, the Satirist called the Archer’s bluff when he warned he’d shoot the skeksis if he tried anything. He was playing on urVa’s feelings that the Storyteller would die too, but then urLii dangles himself off from the edge of the cliff like “I will not hesistate, bitch”. There’s a lot to love about urLii. Although I hope he gets his glasses back they looked so cute on him. 

3. urGoh: Gotta love this mystic stoner. To be honest, I think I like him only because I love the dynamic between him and skekGra. I’m not sure if I would like him on his own. But at the same time, I do really enjoy his character. I feel like despite smoking his brains out, he’s being intentionally slow to get on skekGra’s nerves. Also major props to urGoh for helping the Heretic reform because I know it wasn’t easy (he was one of the most dangerous skeksis apparently). Also I like how he used hookah smoke for dramatic fog for his and skekGra’s puppet show. That’s creative. 

4. urSan: She sounds so pretty. Like her outfit matches the color of the Silver Sea, her hair is indigo with white streaks, she’s just... I want to see her. I want to see what her puppet would look like. I like how she’s considered a folk legend among the Sifa and she lives in a lighthouse near by making star charts and maps. And apparently she had occasional visits from skekSa and that’s really interesting considering how fiercely independent the Mariner makes herself out to be. I feel bad for her: her skeksis counterpart is also a dumbass and urSan had to suffer a slow death because of her. Fuck you skekSa, urSan didn’t deserve that. 

5. urSu: So on one hand, urSu is probably the reason the mystics adopted a complacent philosophy and just let the skeksis destroy Thra instead of trying to work or co-exist with them. Also the fact he placed a heavy burden on Jen by basically having him fix their mess because of a prophecy.  So he and the other mystics are just as responsible for what happened on Thra. But on the other hand, I think he understands how much he fucked up and is trying to make amends along with the other mystics by protecting Jen. He didn’t tell the gelfling his destiny right away probably because the boy already had a traumatic experience losing his family he doesn’t want to add to that by telling him he alone must save the world. He wanted Jen to have a normal, happy childhood. UrSu really tried being a good dad to him and I appreciate that. 

6. urSol: I think I’m starting to like him more because of the headcanons I gave him but anyway. The sequel comics states he’s a rebel by mystic standards and after many years of doing nothing he suddenly gets involved with Thra. If Dark Heart is indeed SilSol, I think that’s really interesting that urSol deviates from the main group. I also like how it’s describe that urSol enriches the world around him through words as opposed to skekSil who manipulates it. I feel like urSol has a lot of potential being an interesting character. Also he’s just the softest looking mystic, like a cinnamon roll.

7. urTih: It really sucks being a mystic, but urTih probably got the worst of it besides urSol. Not only is his skeksis stupid, but said skeksis is also a self-mutilator... for science. He also has the funniest death he just blips out of existence because his dumbass counterpart fell down a shaft (which was also super funny). He didn’t deserve it: let him practice alchemy in peace. On the other hand, I also wish urTih was with skekTek because that guy needs something positive in his life (and also tell him to stop vivisecting and creating abominations). 

8. urUtt:

Also I like the fact he can just weave clothes using a system of knots instead of cutting cloth. Making use of all the material and not wasting it that’s rad. UrUtt is also one of the most cinnamon roll looking mystics of the bunch.  

9. urSen: Not going to lie when I read about his passage in the Dark Crystal bestiary I felt so sorry for him. He knew he’d die years in advance and he just isolated himself from the rest. Poor guy I hoped one of the mystics came by to visit him.

10. urAc: He’s pretty cute I like his lil hat. It sounds like he and urUtt work together since he’s the one that created patterns into cloth that incorporate the wearer’s thoughts. Seems very fitting considering their skeksis counterparts are friends.

11. urAmaj: As a common theme in this post I feel bad for him but for different reasons. He’s patient with how he cooks his food, making sure it has a nice balance of flavor and texture as well as nutritious. Yet he can’t make good gelfling food, according to Jen. He’s doing his best Jen leave him be. Also it’s cute that he’s close friends with urNol.

12: urNol: He has one of the most nice sounding names among the mystics. According to TDC Author’s Quest, urNol makes great elixirs and seeds that can grow into anything. Since the mystics are implied to have planted the Great Trees, I wonder if they were urNol’s creations. Also poor guy lost an eye and an arm, but I guess it could be much worse.

13: urIm: I like that he’s known for being a healer, but is the only mystic that knows something called a death trance. I just think that juxtaposition is very interesting. Also I’m wondering if he was the mystic responsible for teaching the Dousan the mystic ways?

14: urZah: Once again I feel bad for another mystic, the fact that he has to be associated with the absolute worst skeksis. Also I want to know why he’s so distrustful, even with the other mystics.

15: urYod: I always confuse his name with urNol’s for some reason, which is weird because his name kinda rhymes with “Shod”. So apparently ShodYod helped Aughra in her observatory? I wonder if urYod ever had a friendship with her at the beginning. 

16: urMa: Poor bastard there’s literally nothing about him. Hopefully he gets a page in the bestiary. 

17: urYa and urHom: Even more poor bastards they never even made it that far after the Great Division. For some reason, urHom is the only one with a confirmed title. 

[purplesurveys]

815

At what time of day do you normally feel the best? I love the evening the most. I get to have my coffee, it’s quieter around the house, and it also gets a little bit colder so it’s more fun to hang around by then. Do you normally have to hem pants? I’ve never had to do that before. If I need my pants fixed, I usually ask my lola to do it since she’s good at that kind of stuff. Name one reason why someone should not commit suicide. I can’t speak for other people, but I personally stay because I don’t want to leave Kimi behind and because I’ve seen countless mini-documentaries of parents who were left devastated by their kids taking their own lives. What would you do if you had no one to love and support you? That sounds so fucking bleak. I imagine bringing myself to therapy so I can learn how to deal with such a situation, and so that I at least have one person to talk to. If you didn't have love and support, would you feel life was worth living? No. But that’s why I imagine I’d be going to therapy, so my mind can be changed.

If you had no family nor friends nor money, would you feel life's worth living? These questions are so stressful to mull over and a tad bit triggering lmao, can I pass at this point? If you're unhappy, what would it take to make you fulfilled? Depends on what I need, which differs every time. Sometimes I’d wanna be alone, other times I’d want to be with other people, other times I’d need to drive and take longer routes than usual, or to binge YouTube videos, or a good nap...it’s always different. What was the last thing that upset your stomach? The meds I had to take for my UTI. Feeling poopy was one of its side effects, so even though it didn’t upset my stomach per se I did have to have several trips to the bathroom then. Do you have to go the pharmacy a lot? No, only when something’s wrong with me which doesn’t happen too often. Are you sunburned? I haven’t been sunburned since I was like 10. The tendency just suddenly stopped at some point. Do you wish someone loved you? I have a lot of people who already do, fortunately. Do you call yourself stupid often? Like every other hour lmao. What's a song you love? From Eden - Hozier. Do you miss anyone who was mean to you? Not to my knowledge. I’m glad they aren’t in my life today. Name someone you know who is a cancer survivor. One of my former Filipino teachers in high school. Are you friends with any cancer survivors? I don’t think that I am. Does God often answer your prayers? How was your day today (or yesterday, if it's morning)? It was average. Nothing out of the ordinary happened today but I did like the fact that my parents still left the living room aircon on for most of the day even though summer’s over and the weather’s already begun to be a little colder. Do you wish the sunrise and sunset lasted longer? Not really? I’m fine with the ones we’ve got lol. Would you want to relive your childhood again? Fuck no. It had some nostalgic bits, like the shows I used to watch or me playing outside, but it was far too traumatic for me to miss it as a whole. I’m happy being a grownup.

Were your college years the best years of your life? Not fully. My time in college only peaked by the second half, so it wasn’t all that great. Junior and senior year were very fun and eye-opening, though. Would you rather re-live high school or college? Ooh that’s quite a pickle...both periods had their highs. High school was a lot easier (academically), it was a time when I could fuck up and it was okay, and I found my first group of friends. College was a time of independence, a lot of growing up to do, and I also found my second group of friends. As miserable as I was during my freshman year, I ultimately have to go with college because I hated most of the people in my high school anyway and because I really loved the independence I gained in college, from being able to drive on my own and managing stuff on my own time to being free to choose my class schedule. And also, duh, I passed my dream school? I’d relive my years in UP in a heartbeat. What is the dumbest sports-team mascot you've heard of? Not really familiar with sports mascots to begin with. Are you a sports fan? Err, not really. I’m a pro wrestling fan, but it’s not 100% a sport. Where do you feel like you fit in the most? In my college and in my org. I’m sad that I only get four years with them – three when it comes to my org. Do you hate social classes? Yes. Do you think talent should have anything to do with social class? What? I have no clue what this question is insinuating but lmao of course not. I know some crazy talented people who wouldn’t be considered rich, and I know some bland-ass wealthy people who can’t do anything impressive at all. Name a country who's history you know nothing about. Australia. Name a religion you know nothing or very little about. Zoroastrianism. I only remember the founder. Don't you hate know-it-alls? I hate when they start getting conceited. What is your favorite store at the mall? I love visiting Fully Booked every chance I get. When was the last time you went to the mall? That would be when I had my eye checked last early March, because the clinic I visited was inside the mall. Aside from doing that, I also had late lunch at Marugame Udon which apparently would be the last time I’d have their food for a while, unbeknownst to me :( Do you have a bed or do you sleep on a mattress on the floor? I have a bed. When was the last time you went for a run? LOL never. Have you ever tried hard drugs? No. Which school subject did you hate the most? Back in high school I really hated the advanced math and science classes e.g. chemistry, physics, calculus, trig. In college, I found myself hating philosophy and economics the most. What was the last thing you wore from Aeropostale? I don’t think I ever wore anything from them. Which devotional do you read? I don’t read those. Do you appreciate classic literature? I appreciate and recognize their impact, but I don’t like reading them.

What is something you find strange? People who keep pushing for the All Lives Matter narrative. Cringe. Do you like your natural hair color? Sure. I’ve never actively complained about it, that’s for sure. Would you rather get a pixie cut or get dreadlocks? Pixie cut, because I’m pretty sure getting dreadlocks as a Filipino is a form of cultural appropriation? Would you rather dye your hair or get a perm? Dye it.

Do you keep Christmas lights up year-round? No, we don’t. Have you ever started a new trend? Just me? Lmao no. Do you have any artwork of yours from high school? I definitely don’t. Whenever a teacher would give our artworks back, I crumpled it up as soon as I got it and would throw it away. I just simply rejected all of my attempts to be creative lol. What did you win a scholarship for? I’ve never gotten one. But my university did start implementing free tuition for all undergrads starting in 2017 when I was a sophomore, so it’s kinda like the same thing. Did your college meet your expectations? Yes, and more. UP taught me far more than classroom lessons as it opened my eyes to the more important societal issues happening outside of school. It made me recognize our farmers who never earn the income they deserve; the factory workers stuck in poor working conditions; the jeepney drivers whose work is never respected; the millions of working class Filipinos who simply deserve better;  and the government that is more corrupt than I thought. My college on the other hand taught me to be fearless and to never hesitate to search for, report, and defend the truth, and to disseminate just that to the masses. Bottomline is that words can’t even begin to describe how grateful I am to have studied there and I will always be very much in love with my school. What was the best thing about college? The best thing about mine, at least, was the throng of life lessons and eye-opening realizations it gave me. Each of them has been more valuable than any lesson I learned in the classroom. UP taught me that there were a thousand other issues far more important than problems I face in my own privileged bubble, but that I can help facilitate change if I wanted to. How old were you ten years ago? 12. Easily the worst age I’ve been in. What's the best piece of advice you can give someone ten years younger? Stay. It’ll get better. Not instantly, but it does get better. Do you feel like you are old enough and experienced enough to give advice? I think anyone’s fit to give advice no matter how old they are. Even kids can be quite insightful. The differences just lie on the topics people give advice on. How old were you when you started to feel mature and experienced? 17, after I had a series of shitty stuff happen to me at one point in 2015. When I got past those, I could tell I wasn’t the same person that I was, like, two months back. Were your 20's hell? I’m only in my second year lmao, can you get back to me in eight years? What type of bug do you see the most often in your home? We don’t get a lot of bugs at home, fortunately. We have tons of ants though. Do you put off things until the last minute? If I’m not passionate about the task, yes. Do you have the air conditioning on right now? Nope, just the fan. Is your mom the same size as you? She’s slim but she’s still ever so slightly a bit larger. We can technically share clothes but some of them would still look loose on me.

Does camping appeal to you? I have moods where it does and moods where it doesn’t lol. What color is your sleeping bag? I don’t have one. How often do you pray? Do you surrender to Christ daily? When was the last time you went to church? Do you know any Christians who aren't judgmental? Only a handful, and it’s usually people in my age group. Most of the others suck, and I can say this because I’ve had coooooooountless personal experiences with rude, hypocritical, sexist, homophobic, and transphobic Christians and Catholics. Do you believe there are any good people in the world? Of course. What's one thing you are scared of? Flying cockroaches.

[kali-fullofwordsnthoughts]

The Gallaghers and their lack of familial compassion.

Tl;dr : Fiona never stops caring about her siblings and they, in turn, consistently reject and dismiss her. 

So, to put it mildly, I'm not enjoying this season of Shameless. Plot holes and such aside, it supremely sucks to see the first endeavor Fiona embarks on to better herself end in such smoke and ashes. But the others' treatment of her while she spirals out of control has been a bloody cherry on the whole shit sundae.  I'm not going to go heavy on how Fiona deserves better - because she seriously, seriously does - rather this is an observation of the younger Gallaghers and how they show empathy easily to people outside their family. 

To me, Fiona is heart of the show and each of the siblings a different part of the body. Together, they make a functioning person. But as the seasons progress and the siblings age, their independence and autonomy grows. This, in of itself, is not a bad thing. But their independence comes at the expense of Fiona's feelings. She spent so much of her life caring for them that their rejection of her is such a slap in the face. To me, the memorable moments of the show are always the ones where one or more Gallaghers rise up in defense of another. (Ex: Lip taking a beating from Mickey and his boys in place of Ian when Mandy lied about him harassing her, Carl breaking the leg of that kid hanging Lip out a window with a bat, Debbie lying about her uncle so they could keep their house, etc.) But as the seasons progress, the Gallaghers find interests/hobbies/friends/lovers outside of their family and start to drift away from their clan. 

Lip starts to deeply care for the members of his AA group, especially his sponsee, Jason. His blow up at Fiona is not without warrant. Even though she wasn't aware of Jason's problems, she still royally fucked up. But if Lip had shown any of the concern for her that he shows to other AA members, it's possibly the whole incident might never have happened. And now, he's understandably angry but still, instead of offering help and compassion, he's going to try and eject her from the house completely and keep Xan there - a child who he has no connection to but is willing to go to EXTREME lengths to help and protect. That 10K he gave Xan's mom was most definitely squandered for drugs and booze. If he had given it to Fiona instead, maybe she would had a shot at keeping her building. 

Ian and Fiona's battle for the church is well remembered. He cared more about the kids at the shelter than his sister's plans for economic mobility. Obviously, ethically speaking, a bunch of homeless at-risk teens were more deserving of the church than one woman just trying to make money. But even when Fi managed to find another property for them, Ian still disregarded and turned his back on her.

Carl hasn't outright rejected Fiona but he also doesn't show much concern for her. When he gets out of juvvie, he opens his home to Nick, ignoring Fiona's discomfort of the situation, only for the whole thing to end in a tragic disaster. And now he's too busy with Kelly and trying to get into West Point, to show any concern for Fiona's wellbeing.

I can't think of any instance in which Debbie put someone else before her family but that's just because she's become so self centered and selfish. She only cares about herself and Franny, by extension. Fiona threatened to throw her out if she continued her pregnancy and introduced another mouth to feed in the house. She doesn't follow through with her threat and keeps her sister and niece from homelessness/house-hopping. But when it comes to Debbie showing the same leniency, it's nowhere to be found. Fiona gets kicked out, mid-shower, naked, and later gets the locks changed on her, shown absolutely no sympathy from her younger sister who she's consistently looked out for. 

(No bad words against Liam, he's a sweetie.)

Aside from their treatment of Fiona, it seems the younger Gallaghers simply don't care about each other's issues. Ian skips town to avoid the military and everyone's just like, "he'll come home when he's ready." Debbie becomes a pregnant high schooler and everyone's just like, "her body, her choice." Lip struggles with alcoholism, goes to rehab and no one ever asks how he's doing on his journey or how he's coping with his struggle. Liam is expected to pay his way and when he professes cluelessness, he's dismissively told to "figure it out." While Fiona worries and frets constantly over her siblings, they just don't share the same level of concern. 

It feels like they all just expect the members of their family to tap into some innate Gallagher 'resourcefulness' to deal with their own issues and don't even consider lending their own aid as an option. It's a sad state for a show whose major theme is the closeness/resilience of family. And with the season ending in 3 more episodes, I don't see any way to wrap up Emmy/Fiona's storyline in a clean, logical, and satisfying ending. 

[holidaywishes]

It Had To Be You XXVII

Part Twenty Seven: It’s All Coming Back To Me Now

  Summary: After Casino Night, you start to look for a new place to leave so you can give Tyler some space. When he says he doesn’t think it really makes sense, you two start arguing.

  Warning: nothing really, maybe a bit of angst -- we’ll see

  Author’s Note: I’m sorry this took soooo long! I got a little distracted and went on a bit of a Freddie Bender -- honestly, I searched through so many GIFs and watched so many interviews that I think I’ve been dreaming of the Great Dane. Which meant that Segs kinda took a backseat lol. Anyway, I hope this kinda sorta holds you over until whenever the next part comes out -- which I have no idea when that will be

  P.S. I know the ending sucks, it was super rushed and my brain kind of malfunctioned. Plus, the bat signal thing was inspired by the asks I saw pop up on my dash

  P.P.S Right before I posted this, I got a notification that Ty made a story and my heart jumped. What a weird coincidence...

  Song Credit: It’s All Coming Back To Me Now -- Celine Dion

  masterlist

  You went with Tyler to the rink to say goodbye to Devin and it still hadn’t hit you until you saw him without his gear on.

  “You’re actually leaving aren’t you?” you asked as Devin wrapped you in a tight hug

  “Got no choice” he sighed

  “That’s too bad,” you said as you pulled away, “I was actually starting to like you…”

  “Ditto,” he jokingly pushed you and you pouted, “take care of Segs, (Y/N). Don’t let him get out of control.”

  “I’ll do my best” you laughed once more before he gave you a quick kiss to the top of your head and went on his way. You noticed him text someone from his phone and you realized that you may never see him again; he truly was becoming one of your good friends and he was one of the few people you could run to when you needed advice.

  “WHAT THE FUCK?!” Diana texted you

  “Hey, D. What’s up?”

  “Devin’s gone?”

  “He got traded last night”

  “Well what the hell?!”

  “I’m sorry I’m lost…”

  “Did you not know that we’ve been seeing each other?”

  “NO!?! I mean I know you guys hooked up at Ty’s New Year’s Eve party but I didn’t know anything was still happening…”

  “Well, it was. And then I get this vague text from him that just says ‘goodbye,’ I thought he was dying or something!”

  “Did you talk to him anymore about it? Ask him how he’s feeling?”

  “I mean yeah. He’s bummed. He loved playing here and he made friends on the team. But he’s excited to have a new opportunity with Anaheim”

  “Do you think he’s lying? I think he’s lying. But if he’s not then okay. He deserves to be happy. So, what are you gonna do?”

  “I’m not fucking moving to Anaheim!”

  “Okay, first of all, relax. Second, no one said anything about moving to California. You work here. You have a life that you can’t just up and leave. Devin understands that. All I was asking was whether or not you were going to try? With him?”

  “Long distance relationships are tricky. You of all people know that…”

  “My situation was different. Devin is not James. You’re not me.”

  “I know”

  “Do you like him? Do you want to give it a chance?”

  “I do like him. Like a lot. I would love for it to work out but I don’t know if I can be away from my boyfriend for as long as I would have to be away from him…”

  “Can I say something? Without you getting defensive?”

  “You can try…” you scoffed at your phone before you carefully crafted your message.

  “Your relationships have all been very… accommodating. You’ve dated guys who give up everything for you and you don’t have to make any sacrifices and you know what? The guys have all turned out to be complete idiots with no ambition. And now, you’ve got Devin. Who’s super sweet and funny and smart and mature for his age and full of ambition, who’s clearly driven. And you don’t want to give an inch?”

  “What if it ends badly?”

  “Then it ends badly.”

  “Wow…”

  “But at least you can say you tried. If you don’t try, it will both end badly and never start…”

  “UGHHHHH!”

  “Text him. I gotta go.” When she didn’t text you back, you figured she was talking to Devin so you went to watch Tyler practice a little before eventually calling it a day and heading home; calling Tyler to the bench to give him a quick kiss goodbye.

  “Ooooh, look at the love birds!!” Ben cooed and you blushed

  “Alright enough. (Y/N), time for you to go. Seguin, back to work!” Monty snapped and you did as he advised, slightly uncomfortable now at the stares the group was giving you. You waved shyly at Tyler and then gave a slightly more grandiose wave to the rest of the team before heading home, shaking your head to yourself. On your way back to Tyler’s house, you realized that you hadn’t actually started looking at places on your own; once you moved to Dallas, you just kind of moved in with Tyler.

  Yes. The two of you had talked about it and came up with boundaries and stuff but the house was never going to be yours. And it really was never going to feel like yours. And you wanted something in Dallas that belonged to you, so you could feel like you were your own person and not just something that belonged to Tyler. Two hours later, you’d looked at at least 20 Airbnb's, a few hotels and some apartments downtown and were seriously considering two of them, when Tyler popped his head over your shoulder.

  “What are you doing?” he said as he kissed your cheek

  “Looking at places. What parts of the city do you think are the best?” you replied, still searching your screen

  “I thought you were staying here?”

  “Ty, we talked about this. I was going to stay here until I found a place…”

  “We came up with boundaries. I thought that was enough? I thought that was our agreement?”

  “Well, sort of…” you closed your computer and turned to face him, “don’t you think we need some space though? Like this is your place. And that’s great. It’s awesome and I love being able to stay here..”

  “Great. End of conversation!”

  “But Ty, I need something for me. Something that’s mine”

  “Your job isn’t enough?”

  “What?”

  “I want you to stay here with me!” he started to shout and you could see the hurt on his face becoming more apparent, “You’re gonna end up leaving in two months to go back to finish your degree and then what? We go back to only seeing each other when I’m in town? Only talk when you don’t have an assignment? When you’re not working?”

  “Of course not! We’ll still see each other while I’m here and we’d Facetime or Skype or call or text when I go back…” you tried, rubbing his arm to calm him to no avail

  “I just don’t get it,” he got up from where he was sitting, storming into the kitchen with the dogs following at his heels, “why leave? Why don’t you want to be with me here?” The words stabbed you and your eyes began to brim with tears

  “I want to be with you. Here. Everywhere. All the time. I just don’t want us to get tired of each other…” you spoke quietly, getting up and walking to where he was, wrapping your arms around his waist, “I love you, Ty. Don’t doubt that for a second”

  “It’s a little late for that”

  “What?”

  “For me not to doubt it. I love you and I want you to stay and I thought that would make it clear how I feel about you. But you wanting to leave.. how am I supposed to think that you love me if you want to leave me?”

  “Because I don’t want to leave you, Tyler!” he scoffed at you, turning his body, forcing you to walk in front of him, “this is not me saying I need space or we should take a break. This is just me saying I don’t want you to think I’m --” He peeled his eyes from the floor to stare up at you when you stopped talking suddenly, curious about what you’d say next.

  “Think you’re what?”

  “Using you…?” you sighed and brought your hand to your forehead, rubbing it gently, “I’m not that girl, Ty. I don’t want you to think I expect something of you just because we’re dating. Or make you think we’re dating because of all the things you can give me. I’m not… god it sounds so dumb saying it out loud…”

  “You’re not a gold digger?” he laughed and your eyes opened wide at his words, you quickly nodded and he brought you in for a hug, “where is this coming from?”

  “I have no idea…” and you honestly didn’t. In the time you’d been dating Tyler, he’d never taken away your independence. The only thing he’d ever bought you was the dress and the shoes for the Casino Night. Everything else was yours. All the jewelry you owned, your favourite Kate Spade bag, your phone (and it’s accompanying bills) -- all yours. He wasn’t paying for anything. So you had no idea where this argument stirred from.

  “How about this? You honestly feel like you need a place of your own? Fine,” you cocked your eyebrows at him in concern, “but get somewhere close. So I can see you anytime I want.”

  “How close are we talking? Because you know I can’t afford this neighbourhood…” you laughed and you knew what was coming. A quick press of his lips to yours as his hands roamed your body, stopping where your ass met the back of your thighs

  “Then stay here…” he whispered against your neck, “we can do this any time we want. And you won’t have to waste any money. I won’t think you’re a gold digger. I’ll only buy you things if it’s a special occasion. Or if I see something and think of you.” His tongue danced across your skin as you sunk into his body and you got so distracted that you let out a raspy ‘okay’ and felt him smile against your chest where his lips were.

  A month later, you and Tyler had been living together in bliss and it felt almost surreal. You’d celebrated his birthday and yours in town; grabbing a drink at a bar and then he took you out dancing after much protest from you. You were frequenting the games as well when the team had home games and watching every game with some of the girlfriends at home when the boys were on the road. You were surprisingly at ease; living with a boyfriend after James seemed like an impossible idea and knowing Tyler’s reputation, even after you’d been with him for as long as you had, should’ve made you insecure but he always made you feel safe and loved.

  Until you noticed the ‘bat signal...’

  It wasn’t something you had even thought about before. Of course, you saw his stories when he would travel on the road, tagging the cities the team would be in, but you just thought he was counting down to when he got to see his dogs again. It wasn’t until someone forwarded you the Spittin’ Chiclets episode that you had even heard anyone call this his ‘bat signal’ and when you saw it again on his stories, you couldn’t help but think about.

  And now it was all you could think about.

[miasswier]

miasswier’s ultimate glee ranking: no 38

38: Wheels

Written by: Ryan Murphy Directed by: Paris Barclay

Overall Thoughts: How in the world did I forget how incredible this episode is?!?!?!! I remember all the awesome things that happen in this episode, but somehow forgot that they all happen in this episode – for some reason I thought Defying Gravity was in “Ballad”? I don’t even know. Anyway, this episode is absolutely fantastic, but I’m going to head straight into what I like about it because I don’t want to repeat myself too much!

What I Like:

This is the first episode of Glee that actually feels like we’re watching an ensemble show. Artie and Kurt get their own subplot, and Tina gets a little bit of the spotlight too. Also, Puck and Quinn get to interact for a solid two or three minutes throughout this episode without either Finn or Rachel getting involved. And Will isn’t as central to the plot! It’s honestly fantastic

The introduction of Becky Jackson, who would become one o f the most hilarious characters in all of Glee. It’s really interesting seeing her here, and how different she is from how she ends up. You can definitely see Sue’s influence on her, and while in some areas it’s a bad thing, overall I think it was really good for her. She ends the series with so much confidence that it’s absolutely blinding, and I think the way Sue treats her really helps her.

Sue calling Will out for being ableist in the guise of being open-minded. Becky very clearly has no problems with Sue telling her she needs to improve, and she also responds to her in a way that no other Cheerio ever does – she straight up tells Sue that she’s trying, but it’s difficult. No other Cheerio ever says anything like that to Sue. Even though we watch Becky grow in her confidence and independence, you can already see the seeds of that here. Seriously, I just absolutely adore Becky Jackson and her relationship with Sue, and I’m totally willing to fight people who don’t.

The scene with Puck and Quinn “baking”. This is honestly the scene that made me fall in love with these two as a couple. It’s adorable, it’s hilarious, and it’s really, really sweet. I think it’s the first time in the whole show that we actually see Quinn genuinely happy. It’s refreshing.

Puck calling Finn out on his shit, how he’s always complaining about how hard this is on him but never seems to realize that it’s a thousand times harder for Quinn. The fact that it took five whole episodes of Quinn being pregnant before somebody asked “what about how she’s feeling” is really sad, though.

Burt sticking up for Kurt and not taking any of Will’s bullshit.

Burt being faced with the reality that Kurt is being bullied, and probably will be bullied for the rest of his life. It’s an emotional scene, and while it’s nice to see Burt tell Kurt that “nobody pushes the Hummel’s around”, you can also see how it’s just hitting him that Kurt doesn’t have it easy, and will never have it easy, all because other people are narrow minded and stupid. He never once blames Kurt or asks him to stop being himself – in fact, he encourages Kurt to continue being himself, and seems legitimately angry when Kurt admits he flubbed the note. It’s really refreshing, coming from the guy who “isn’t in love with the idea” of his son being gay and isn’t ready to have a conversation about Kurt and guys yet.

Kurt being willing to sacrifice a solo because he doesn’t want his father to be hurt by the bullying he faces. I feel like this really defines a huge part of Kurt’s character, and it’s nice to see him becoming fleshed out.

Will drawing attention to the fact that McKinley High isn’t accessible, and Artie wanting to use the Glee bake sale money to build a ramp in the auditorium. I’m really glad that they touched on the issue of accessibility without getting too “life is hard enough for Artie as it is can’t we make it just a little easier for him?”, which I find a lot of shows, movies, and books tend to do. They focus wasn’t on how hard Artie’s life is because he’s in a wheelchair, it was on the fact that the lack of accessibility in the school is what makes his life harder. He isn’t the problem the – the school is.

Brittany openly and honestly being friends with Becky – not because she feels pity for her, but because she actually likes her. I have no idea how this Brittany eventually turned into the awful, mean-spirited Brittany that we were subjected to throughout most of seasons 3 and 4. I feel like people always want to focus on Quinn’s character assassination but honestly, this show did Brittany so dirty.

I have a bit of a love-hate relationship with the scene between Tina and Artie at the end. I do think they’re super cute and super sweet, and the scene definitely has that tone. Tina revealing that she doesn’t have a stutter and doesn’t feel like she has to keep faking because now she’s in Glee and doesn’t want to push people away is sweet, but I also really appreciate that Artie calls her out when she says that they’re the same, because he’s right, when it comes to this, they’re not. He can’t fake the fact that he’s in a wheelchair, and it was unfair of her to act like they have something in common because of a speech impediment that she’s been faking for years. That being said…

Things I Don’t Like:

… it’s not like Tina gets to fake being Asian. Artie acts like because Tina doesn’t have a stutter she suddenly isn’t a minority and doesn’t know what it’s like to be discriminated against. To be fair to Artie, though, Glee never really addressed race issues on a large scale, and was honestly full of microaggressions and just… overall had a very bad, very ugly relationship with race. So it’s not like Artie is specifically being ignorant (and I mean, for fucks sake, he’s a fourteen-year-old, I don’t expect him to be completely knowledgeable on intersectionality and oppression), it’s just how Glee rolls. It still rubs me the wrong way, though.

Small addition to that, who the fuck has their first date in their high school after hours? Why?

The fact that we finally get to see some of the everyday struggles that Artie faces because the school simply isn’t accessible, but it’s shown through a montage of Finn and Rachel struggling with these things.

Finn and Rachel using a fake disability in order to get Finn a job. That is honestly so disgusting and gross, I can’t even begin to explain how awful it is. Ugh.

Quinn making no effort to get a job herself, but insisting that Finn do so. Look, I’m usually on Quinn’s side in this whole story, but in this episode she is honestly being quite unreasonable. Especially considering Finn isn’t actually the father of her baby, and she knows that full well.

Rachel acting like she deserves the solo that was literally handed to her. If you don’t work for something you can’t get mad when it’s taken away. Also, that line where she’s like “maybe one day you’ll find a way to create teaching moments without ruining my life” makes me roll my eyes SO HARD. How is Will supposed to ever teach anybody anything if you demand all of his attention and every single song ever sung? For fucks sake…

Everybody acting like Brittany shouldn’t be hanging out with Becky, and seeming surprised that the two are friends. Fuck off, you assholes.

Songs

Dancing with Myself: Artie’s first real solo. I can’t believe it took nine episodes for us to get this. Artie’s voice is amazing, and this slowed-down version of the song really works. I especially like how the instruments fade away at the end and we see that it’s really just Artie singing alone in the auditorium. It really works to showcase how lonely and isolated he feels. My only issue is that we are forced to watch Will awkwardly creeping. I wish they could have let Artie just have his moment, instead of making it about Will deciding to be Noble.

Defying Gravity: I’m a huge Wicked fan, so this cut version has always sort of irked me, mostly because they cut my favourite part of the song. I also am not really a fan of the Rachel sections of this song (and I’ve never bothered listening to the full Rachel solo version) because I feel like she sounds too much like Idina Menzel and what’s the point of doing a cover if you just sound exactly like the original singer? The format of it for the diva-off is cool, though, and Kurt sounds awesome. It really does suck that they forced him to mess up the note when Chris Colfer specifically wanted to sing this song.

Proud Mary: I love this song! The energy is awesome, and I feel like it’s the first real group number that we get. The choreography is awesome, and the outfits are adorable. Really a fantastic way to end a fantastic episode.

[pronetopronoia]

There has to be a way to stop stupidity. There. Has. To. Be. Maybe. It’s. Reading. How. Stupid. What. You’ve. Just said/done/written, written again, and then you really thought about it. #written

A friend of mine who I adore because he can be just a hot, hot disaster sometimes (aren’t we all!) considering all he has put up with being a journalist who’s overcome some things posted a news article of which I just read the headline (sorry) about the Governor of Tanzania wanting to mandate arrests for all homosexuals.

Are we sure this is not code for “The governor of (insert US State here) is wanting to mandate arrests for all homosexuals.”.

Look, Dar es Saalam:

(also no one can get mad at me for fake news because I am basing this off what I saw with my eyes as far as the name of the person and location!)

Also just P.S. they have governors of cities? That is the most republican thing I have ever...

Ok, so as I was saying!

Dear Dar es Saalam,

If you had a homosexual experience and now hate yourself you need to go relax somewhere and stop taking that out on everyone else. Literally not one person gives a shit, not even whatever idiotic diety it is you worship. I promise you. If they do, they absolutely do not deserve to be in your life.

If you had a homosexual experience and weren’t into it, that’s cool too! However, quit raining on others’ parade who love that. Just like with straight people, if they are super-irresponsible, they’ll have their own consequences to have to figure out completely independent of anything else. That is how life works for literally. everyone.

If you had a homosexual experience and now that person will not leave you the fuck alone, I mean man, that really sucks. Like, truly. However, that in no way means that all homosexuals are relentlessly mentally ill and need to be gathered together and dealt with.

Also, please know that I am in no way a physician of mental illnesses. When I say “mentally ill” I am referring to a person who may or may not exhibit classic symptoms of one of the many currently defined mental illness but my main concern is their symptom of where they won’t leave someone the fuck alone or feel the need to impose their delusional will upon one or more people or groups of people.

So, apologies for calling you mentally ill Dar es Saalam. I actually am in no way privvy to your medical history or files. However I would suggest a fucking permanent vacation from being a Governor of literally anything.

Best wishes to you! 😘

[neo-shitty]

toffee!

no dont apologise! i didnt check until just then so np :)

mmm yeah it is a bit trippy. hehe ITS TRUE THO. yeah sadly i think ur right, and tag blocking is probably a good idea. sometimes smut written well or not in excess is okay but goddamn when its abt 01 line and thats the whole fic... *silently blocks tags*

hehe i do that all the time lol this conversation is carrying on threads from a month ago :) mmm yeah ur probably right sadly, same. HA HE DIDNT HAVE A CHOICE and now i have someone to talk to abt them, so thats good! I KNOW felix was actually the one who got me into skz with his iconique gods menu line so i guess i have a soft spot for him. i always tell myself my bias is chan but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ guess im more whipped than id like to admit. mmm yeah that does make sense dw i hope they do that as well. YES king seungmin hIMSELF. GODDAMNIT DONT GET ME STARTED ON MINHO IN GODS MENU I DIDNT EVEN KNOW HE WAS PART OF THE GROUP UNTIL I STARTED GETTING MORE INTO THEM. BITCH (affectionate) THE LINE DISTRIBUTION HAS BEEN UTTER DOG SHIT but *deep breath* its better now so were moving on adn hoping it stays that way. sis same but i may or may not have gone thru a rlly depressed phase and actively sought out the elimination episodes so i could actually force some tears out of my emotionless shell of a heart but what cna you do? lmaoo i feel that irl, binnie deserves more vocal lines. yesss channies accent is rlly prominent then, i think also the way he structures his phrasing? is more english speaking than korean? but yeah i totally get what ur saying. AJKSAL lmao

okay then! im excited for whenever it gets done! (maybe tag me?) ahh the cold shrivelled heart of a dark au writer beats again at the thought of torturing another poor characters very soul (/j) :(( yeah that would suck not being able to see them. ohhh ur on the other hemisphere to me! were just going into spring rn. mmm smth to look forward to! YES you put it into words. they rlly are pretty independent from the company (remember how jyp rejected that other dudes songs after like 3 seconds and then how he was apparently nervous to show the song hed written to chan cos chan was so good at writing hits ahhh sweet revenge) mmmYES we rlly need a mute and remove notifications button for our brains dont we?

YES CORRECT i totally agree. some people jsut dont give it a try, adn assume its bad cos its korean smh racist assholes. yes! im coming up to my 6 month anniv actually! sis sAME, i feel like theyre being tugged into appealing to the western american market and theyre not staying as true to their artistic flair as a group, especially with only writing english songs atm. *sigh* ah well, at least theyre bringing recognition to the kpop world. AHUH dead on, theyre going to be discarded pretty soon and then where will bp be? theyll prob go solo paths which is rlly sad but what can you do when the company is run by a prideful asshole? yg is not going to last much longer in the big four if they keep this up.

hehe you get it. oooh very cool! whos ur ult? (sorry if youve said this before) mmmm yeah good decision, i feel liek thats probably a wise decision. this is my first album release as a kpop stan (not counting mixtape oh) so i think ill get it for sentiments sake. yeah! im excited for the new music! mingi was the one who got me into them, but atm my bias is seonghwa followed by san, wooyoung and ateez but jonghos high notes man *swoon* he, yeah atm ive got jake, jay, nikki, jungwon and sunoo down so just trying to get the rest :) heh, yeah kard i rlly only got into cos of bm, ive seen him like interacting with a lot of idols and he seemed nice so i decided to check out the group. ikr gunshot man *another swoon*

no noe! i didnt know what it was until i got it lol. thx toffee ill try and take that to mind :) yeah lol im on a waiting list thats not going to be free until late september so hopefully i can hold on until then. hope ur okay, that sounds like it sucks, hope you can find someone. maybe ill just take you along on my phone and the therapist can get a two for one patient deal lmaooo. mmm, sorry no i havent mentioned it before, i dont rlly talk abt it much. uhhh basically hypermobility? if you google it, it doesnt seem bad, jsut joint flexibility but ive got the severe end of the stick, leaning towards ehlers danlos syndrome so thats fun. basically it just makes it hard for me to exercise, run, jump, stand or just walk for long periods of time and gives me a lot of joint and muscle pain so... thats fun! but obviously so many other people have it worse than me, so i try not to complain. normally in young people it will improve as they get older, but my doctor said bc its severe in me, its unlikely to get much better. but again, i dont have the worst lot in the bunch, so its all g.

oh its good that its not the bad type of rain, a light sprinkling can be relaxing sometimes. aww thx darl, the concern is appreciated but it went pretty well and i managed not to cough too much on stage or kill myself trying to run around to the other side of the stage in the pouring rain so thats good! oooh tea buddies! my dogs a labradoodle, but shes a bit more of a feral poodle lol not much labrador in her at all, unless its her relentless urge to hunt down every bird that has ever walked this earth smh :((( hopefully they can come back on soon, does uni have dances?

ahhh a mood if i ever heard one. hopefully things will get better for you soon, ik anxiety sucks ass. ooh thats always good! when its sunny here, its always melt ur thongs to the pavement hot so the nicely cool sunny days are a lovely change. hehe impatience is not so good for you, but good for us that get to see ur beautiful theme early. ahh no worries, itll come eventually hopefully. and if not, then just things that make you not anxious are good. it doesnt have to be black or white, sometimes gray is good. mmmmm sames i have midterms this week to catch up on and then two weeks of end of terms so thats fun! i hope u can overcome that a little, heres some channie to be ur motivation https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8LWyNjzOww. hah! i hear that all the time, he seems to be everywhere. did you see that tiktok of hans slowed back door rap, i stg it sounded EXACTLY like namjoon, it kinda scared me. also teh beginning of another day, sounds so much like joon i swear.

that reminds me! idk ur biases! i feel like this should be smth i should know so please! feel free to elaborate!

ahh im glad, i was worried it is. mmm same, so no hard feelings if either of us misses a day or smth. ill start worrying if weeks/months have gone by, but if its just a little while thats more than fine. ill just picture you studiously completing notes and i wont worry lol

<3 w.a. 🐺

at some point i really think i'm going to start blocking accounts because blocking tags won't be enough. i saw ask tags the other day and it just made me want to bleach my eyeballs.

i could talk about god's menu felix for hours man. the teaser for god's menu that featured his part on the bridge made me look forward to the mv release. you: biases chan, also you: lixiesbabyhands. yes you are more whipped than you think. i can't believe orange haired minho was given NOTHING during that era but they kind of made up for it in the b-sides. i also hope it stays that way. the distribution for this era was pretty fair.

"torturing another poor character's soul" in all honesty, i used to live for this. 2017 me leading up to early 2020 wrote nothing but angst. i have another aussie friend on twt and tbh i'm still really (O.o) about the seasons! jyp should be terrified skz could easily take over that company. heck if skz grow old and start their own company, they'd probably do a great job at running it. PLEASE. i have issues on muting/notifications both mentally and in real life. sometimes, i just wish to disappear.

some people in my country are just disgusting tbh. not only racist but homophobic too. they label kpop as 'gay' and it DISGUSTS me. it's a problematic behavior/mindset people in my country need to fucking get rid of. anyway, HELP ME 6 MONTHS??? and i've been in this shit for like a decade eye. tbh, i’m not fond of kpop groups trying to appeal to the western audience :// it feels like they’re losing their identity in a way. yes recognition but at what cost? yg has my favorite groups but that’s one shitty company when it comes to promoting.

okay my ult! it’s haechan from nct but i consider chan an ult too. like a close second above my whopping list of kpop boys. oh yes! you should get the album just for like a keepsake? remembrance? how did mingi appeal to you? omg did you start getting interested in ateez back when he was still on hiatus? NOT YOU BIASING THE SAME PEOPLE I DID WHEN I FIRST STARTED STANNING. the infamous ateez thot-line. jongho is easily one of the best fourth gen vocalists out here, no one can change my mind :( good luck with memorizing the rest of enhypen! just in time for the comeback too. i hope i’ll get into kard soon but i’m pretty content (and a tad bit overwhelmed) with the amount of groups i stan right now.

please hold on though, feel free to vent here if you like. thanks for the offer tho HAHA but like i’ll try to get checked here too when the cases die down a bit. i’m sorry to hear about your condition though :( please don’t ever overwork yourself to the point that your joints/muscles would ache. it’s completely valid to complain about it tho. i get that you have others in mind but keeping that mindset really doesn’t do you (like you internally) any better? so if you need to, vent your frustrations out and don’t keep it in.

oh my god, about your performance last sunday. was the stage out in the open? glad you didn’t cough too much and did well on your concert. i’m proud of you! i can never understand dogs and poor birds T_T uni doesn’t have dances unfortunately. i think there’s just one party at the end like a graduation ball. what year are you in anyway? if it’s something that you’re fine with sharing. if not, it’s cool.

good luck with your exams! and thanks for the link! AHA what a cutie. i think he does this motivation thing once in a while during his lives and it’s just comforting. yeah joon and han my irl just freaked when we made that discovery. ult crumbs for her. oh god not me forgetting about every biases when you asked. you can ask for my biases in a few groups just list down the one’s you’re interested in knowing. 

i missed yesterday because i was grinding and finishing what if we stay + school work. finally did it today. i’m sure i’ll reply in like a day or two, definitely not a month unless i state otherwise. if i ever decide to abandon this blog, i’ll let you know.

[surveystodestressme]

72.

5000 Question Survey Pt. 18

1701. How will tomorrow be like today? i don’t know yet 1702. How would you react if a stranger pinched your bottom? i’d probably smack them 1703. When was the last time you went on a date? ummm, jack and i don’t really go on dates anymore.  or at least, we don’t call them dates. 1704. Have you ever ridden a horse? yes. 1706. What is almost over? i don’t know

1707. What should you be doing that you are putting off? calling my college to set up orientation 1708. How much would you have to change physically before you would no longer be yourself anymore? a lot 1709. How much would you have to change mentally before you would no longer be yourself anymore? ^ 1710. Would you rather be famous or notorious? neither honestly 1711. Would you rather have a necklace that’s dripping with diamonds or a blueberry farm? blueberry farm 1712. Could you take first place in a beauty contest? probably not 1713. Who is the biggest hypocrite you know and why? i know a lot of them 1714. Would you consider yourself to be more opinionated or bitchy? opinionated. 1715. How long is it until your next day off? it’s my day off right now 1716. What sound is annoying you right now? nothing at the moment 1717. Imagine you’re taking a vacation with 4 people. Who are they? jack, wyatt, jake,and rebecca 1718. The five of you travel by plane. Suddenly your plane crashes down over snowy mountains. The pilot and the air crew and all the other passengers die. The only way for you to survive is for one of you to get eaten by the others. Who will it be? lol idk honestly maybe wyatt, he’s got the most meat 1719. Anorexia and obesity are two life threatening eating related disorders. Why is it that when it is discovered that someone is an anorexic they are rushed to the hospital, but when someone is obese they are not rushed to the hospital? that’s a good question 1720. Who is your favorite smurf? never watched that 1721. Why do you do things that you know are bad for you? i don’t know 1722. How important is testing to education? i feel like people think it’s really important but intelligence (in my opinion) is not based on how well you can take tests.  1723. What food group do you eat the most of (bread and pasta, meats and eggs and fish, fruits and vegetables, milk and cheese, sugar and butter)? probably meat 1724. Who is the most adorable person you know? some girl i know has a little baby and she’s really chunky and cute 1725. If you had to spend a half hour locked in a dark closet with someone from school or work that you don’t normally hang out with who would you want it to be? uhhh... i don’t know? maybe one of the theater people because they’re all funny and wouldn’t make me feel awkward about the situation lol 1726. How often do you masturbate in a week? recently at least once or twice a week 1727. In the USA people work a full third of the year for the government, due to taxes. How do you feel about this? it sucks 1728. Should people be allowed to use cell phones in their cars? absolutely not.  some people can’t even drive without their phones as a distraction 1729. Have you ever been in the room while a human baby was born? nope. 1730. Have you ever been in the room while an animal baby was born? no. 1731. Did you see the video The Miracle of Life in school? no. 1732. How do you feel about having a baby? don’t want any children 1733. Have you ever had a tooth pulled? no 1734. Who are you waiting for an email/call/note/visit from? my boyfriend. 1735. What are you counting the days until? until i can move out and have my own place with jack 1736. What is the greatest temptation for you? my boyfriend? lol idk 1737. How do you resist it? i don’t

1738. Who is your knight in shining armor? jack ig lol. 1739. If you were walking and someone behind you yelled “HEY YOU!” would you turn around? probably 1740. Do loud noises make you tense? sometimes 1741. Has anyone ever told you that your epidermis was showing? not in those terms lol 1742. Would you rather work or stay home with the baby? work bc i wont have a baby anyways 1743. Would you rather have people agree with you all the time or tell you the honest truth? tell me the honest truth. 1744. Will you/have you gone to your high school reunion? i probably wont bc i wont even be living in the same state hopefully 1745. What do you think of your yearbook picture? it’s ok i guess 1746. Are you more of a hunter or a gatherer? gatherer. 1747. If you ever were to visit Hershey Park, the theme park based on the chocolate candy, would you enjoy going to the spa where you can be treated to a whipped cocoa bath, a milk and honey bath, or simply a chocolate fondue skin wrap? none 1748. If someone asks you to read a poem they wrote, will you really take your time to try and understand what they wrote and tell them what you think or just read it quickly and tell them that its really good? i’m not too good at interpreting poetry, but i’ll try my best 1749. Do you feel that if a coincidence occurs it means something? maybe 1750. Were you beautiful as a child? not really lol 1751. Do you think that it is okay for a homosexual or a woman to become a priest? yeah???? i don’t think it matters either way 1752. Which would you rather give up forever, religion or sex? religion. 1753. What comes to mind when you think of these places: Canada? maple syrup UK? british people USA? bald eagle Australia? kangaroos and giant crabs Germany? hot german women Italy? spaghetti 1754. What does your favorite bumper sticker say? i don’t have any 1755. Have you ever taken a shower with another person? yes. 1756. What bath toys do you have, if any? none lol 1757. Would you rather propose to someone you love or would you rather be proposed to by someone you love? i’d rather be proposed to bc i feel like i’d make it awkward or i’d do it wrong 1758. How can you reject someone nicely? idk 1759. What kinds of diary names make you interested enough to check out the diary? - 1760. What do you think are three common passwords people use to secure their diaries? birthdays, names, or a bunch of random numbers 1761. Pick an object in the room. Give that object a name. lamp - lampy 1762. What is the quickest way to make you blush? compliment me 1763. Do you usually feel that you deserve it when other people compliment you? yeah, ig 1764. If you were to start your own business what kind of business do you think it might be? video games idk 1765. What is one of your pet peeves? bad drivers 1766. What question do you get asked too frequently? do you still talk to the last person you kissed? 1767. You notice a ring is priced $40.00, but the cashier only charges you $10.00. Do you mention this to the cashier? probably not 1768. Could a kiss on the ___ be considered cheating? Cheek? Lips? Nose? Hand? Ear? Neck? if it’s not a family member, then yes.  if my significant other kisses another person ANYWHERE and i find out about it, unless it’s the hand, maybe, i’m not going to be too happy about it and i would expect the same response from him if i did that 1769. Would it bother you if your lover occasionally flirted with others? yeah 1770. How long has it been since you last played truth or dare? it’s been a while 1771. Should people who are living now be obligated to do things that will make the world better for people who will live 100 years from now? not obligated, no 1772. Imagine you have a dream in which someone you care for acts mean to you. Is it possible you will still be angry with this person when you wake up? it’s happened before but no i shouldn’t be bc it’s in my own head not something they actually did 1773. Have you ever left someone a note with a picture in it? If yes, how do you do it? idk 1774. What do you fear more, death or pain? death 1775. Are the questions still interesting this far into the survey? somewhat. 1776. Do you like the cartoon Inspector Gadget? its ok 1777. You know how Gadget wears the same outfit all the time, and his closet is full of outfits that are exactly identical to the one he wears? If your closet was full of just one outfit that you had to wear everyday what would it be like? idk i dont think i could wear just one thing all the time 1778. Would you rather time travel to the future or the past? future. 1779. Would you rather know how the world began or how it will end? how it will end.   1780. Would you rather meet your ancient ancestors or your great great great great great great grandchildren? ancient ancestors bc i know i wont have grandchildren of any kind 1781. Out of these 4 which is most important (1=most, 2= second most, 3 = 3rd most, 4 = least)? Curing diseases such as aids, cancer: 4 Preserving wildlife areas: 1 Ending terrorism: 3 Building colonies in space: 2 1782. In your opinion should every child be entitled to a good education? yeah 1783. What news item are you tired of hearing about? fucking politics. 1784. Speaking of 9/11 the anniversary is coming up. What will you be doing? it’s already passed. 1785. If this were a recipe for you, how would it go? 2 cups: 1 cup: ½ cup: A pinch of: A dash of: Mix well and bake until: Add: Serve: idk man 1786. Which of the following would YOU be more likely to survive: A fall from a 3 story building Driving a car into the water neither lol, i can’t swim very well and i know i wouldn’t survive that fall 1787. What philosophy was manifested in the communist manifesto? idk. 1788. Who is your exact opposite? jack is pretty different from me 1789. Would you rather have serenity or insanity? serenity. 1790. What do these phrases mean? Moulin Rogue: Le voyage sur le bateau: Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir: i have no idea 1791. What is the longest distance you have ever walked? oh i have no idea man 1792. The ancient Greek philosopher Plato believes that beauty truth and justice all basically mean the same thing. What are your feelings about this? ehhhh 1793. How did you first begin to assert yourself as independent from your parents? no more asking their permission for things, having my own car, and eventually moving out 1794. If you had a magic bracelet, would you use it to gain luck, money, health, creativity or love? money. 1795. What would you do if every time you used your magic bracelet something bad would happen to someone else? i wouldn’t use it probably 1796. This is a story about a girl. While at the funeral of her own mother, she met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing, so much her dream guy she believed him to be that she fell in love with him then and there, although she didn’t even see him after the funeral ended. A few days later, the girl killed her own sister. What is her motive for killing her sister? she's crazy???? 1797. Have you ever intentionally hurt someone’s feelings? i dont think so 1798. What do you think of Franz Ferdinand? don’t know much about him. 1799. What do you think of the band Modest Mouse? never heard of them 1800. What do you think of Morrissey? ^

[arielspeedwagon]

Brooklyn Primary Endorsements September 2017

Ok y’all. Strap in, this is a long one: ENDORSEMENT TIME. I gathered this from reading a lot of things: posts on local FB political blogs, friends’ posts, lots of interviews and articles, a few voter guides. I wish I could cite my sources better but I accidentally closed my window with all the tabs I’d been saving. I’m less well-cited than usual. I apologize.

The primary is tomorrow, but to participate you have to be enrolled in a party having a primary (aka, the Democrats or the GOP.) If you’re not, and you lean at all to the left, I highly recommend you consider enrolling in the Dems if you want to be directly involved in electoral politics in NYC. New York State has closed primaries, which means that if you aren’t registered as a member of a party, you can’t vote in its primary. But NYC is a Democratic town and the Democratic primary is the de facto election for most city offices. On the one hand: fuck a closed primary! Change the system! On the other hand, if you’re into electoral politics, you might as well participate where the action is.

Don’t know what or who you’re voting for? Go here: http://www.whosontheballot.org.

LET’S SEE WHAT WE HAVE HERE.

Mayor: Bob Gangi, but mostly NOT DE BLASIO: De Blasio, you had such promise. De Blasio, I liked you so much. De Blasio, your housing plan sucks rocks and your financial conduct feels off and you never lived up to your promise and while I agree Andrew Cuomo is a jackass you really lost that fight. But you’re the mayor, and though I wouldn’t be surprised if you lose in the general to some fiscally-conservative-socially-liberal Republican, the Democratic machine chose you. As such, I don’t think any of your challengers are going to win, but I can’t recommend voting for you. I picked Bob Gangi because he’s hella to the left and two young women of color handed me his flyer at the mayoral debate I went to. That made me like him. So vote for him.

Public Advocate: Tish James: I continue to really like Tish James. The Public Advocate is a funny job and is designed to be a power check on the mayor, and I admit I don’t have a great sense of how effective she’s been at this outside of the spin machine which makes her seem pretty great. I wouldn’t be entirely surprised if there is some blog post I can’t find talking about the machinations behind the scene that make her look less rosy, but what I can see I support very much (housing rights, equal pay work, bad landlord lists, etc.) Additionally, the other guy’s campaign is basically “Tish didn’t have an adversarial enough relationship with the mayor, and also I’m a history professor from Columbia and I know things.” He has no elected experience. BZZT. I wouldn’t vote for him even if I didn't like Tish.

Brooklyn DA: Anne Swern: A lot of what I’ve been reading has been marveling at the fact that this DA race is about reform rather than being tough on crime. A lot of this can be attributed to Ken Thompson’s legacy and his move towards more progressive choices around how the DA works and the power the DA has in setting bail, choosing or declining to prosecute, and the options defendents are given. So who’s the best reformer?

 Unlike a lot of people, I like Eric Gonzalez. I appreciate that he comes from a community impacted by policing and the criminal “justice” system. But word on the street is that public defenders don’t like him and he has repeatedly failed to come out against some systematic reforms I think are important (bail, discovery rules, etc.) I don’t think he’s bad but I don’t think he’s the best. Anne Swern is better rated by several progressive orgs, has committed to ending cash bail, and wants to reform discovery rules that currently favor prosecutors. She’s also worked as a public defender, at least briefly, which to me proves she has had to understand and defend the humanity of defendants over the course of her career. I feel unsure about endorsing a white woman over a person of color, given the borough and who is most affected by the criminal justice system, but I think she will be a good progressive voice; the 5 Boro Defenders’ #KnowYourDA committee, which is entirely POC, ranked her highly in their guide.  Why not Mark Fleidner? He just hits every button for me: a far-left white guy with a lot of privilege without a lot of proof of a visceral understanding of how it all goes. Also reports show him as mansplaining/whitesplaining Black Lives Matter to Patricia Gatling, a black woman, and just no.

Civil Court Judges: Consuelo Melendez, Isiris Isella Isaac, Ellen E. Edwards, Fredrick Arriaga, and Patria Frias-Colon. I understand, abstractly, the reason why we elect judges. I don’t think we do a good job of it, though. The above slate is suggested by my genius friend Jen Abrams: (http://mailchi.mp/e46598afcde0/dont-forget-to-vote-on-tuesday-sept-12). She does her own endorsements, including straight SENDING OUT A QUESTIONNAIRE this year, and I trust her judgement. You should trust her judgement too. She goes a lot more into it at the above link, including the complicated politics around this different, better group of “Independent Democrats.”

District 6 Judge: Rupert Barry by a hair, via Jen as well. I’m going with her endorsement; Elena Baron is also a star in the race. I think we’d do well either way. 

City Council Races other than my own: I haven’t paid much attention to the other races, for the most part, but people I trust have - Make the Road NYC, the Arab-American Association of NY, friends who pay attention, Tenants PAC. If you want to vote by endorsements, here’s a big list from the Gotham Gazette. But if you don’t, or you just want someone to tell you what to do, here are the few races where I feel I know enough to weigh in.

District 2: Carlina Rivera

District 5: Patrick Bobilin

District 6: Mel Wymore

District 8: Diana Ayala

District 35: Ede Fox

District 38: Carlos Menchaca

District 39: Brad Lander

District 43: Rev. Khader El-Yateem

City Council District 40: Brian Cunningham, but I really really like Pia Raymond too. This was really hard. Mathieu Eugene, bless his heart, is a waste of space and we deserve better. But he’s a popular incumbent with a strong base, and sadly the race had several challengers which will likely split the opposition vote. For me, it really came down to Brian Cunningham vs. Pia Raymond. Both Cunningham and Raymond have been around the block; Cunningham has been coming up the neighborhood Democratic machine and Raymond has been on the community board and Nostrand Avenue Merchant’s Association. I think they both are smart about policing, housing, participatory budgeting - my gut is that Raymond is a little more conservative than Cunningham, but I also think that’s generational. So why Cunningham? I like that he has the Stonewall Dems’ endorsement, although neither of them talk much about queer issues. I have heard a ton of stories about him showing up places (block parties, neighborhood group meetings), although I am at the same time wary of the fact that I am much more connected to the white side of the neighborhood than the various POC sides and I might be missing Raymond’s doing the same. I appreciate what I have heard from several people about his wonkiness, including nuance around both housing rights in the neighborhood and participatory budgeting. If I could somehow vote for both of them and get them both on the council I’d feel great about that. Buttttt, in the end, it’s Cunningham by a hair.

[snkret-photography]

It's Not The Same

I’ve always been a firm believer that to accomplish your goals and dreams, you have to be willing to prove that you want it. You have to prove your dedication to your desires through hard work, sacrifice and tenacity. That when it sucked, that was the breakthrough. That when you wanted to quit, it was right on the other side, just 5 more minutes and then it was here. And for pretty much all of college, I ran myself thin on the “5 more minute” module. Just gotta keep going long enough to see results and then I can breathe and get ready for the next wave. I always think back to how I was freshman year:

Wake up between 4:30-5:45am

Do some light stretches and go wash up

Go for a 25-45 minute run

Drink protein shake and watch the sun rise

Shower and get ready for my day

Class with a break in between to grab some food

Work where I typically went to grab some food

2nd workout of P90x or yoga or T25 (whichever I was doing at the time)

Go drinking

Crash around 2am

Do over

If I tried to do that routine now, I would kill over and die not to mention just the idea of being productive the day after drinking and oh Lord, FUCK SEEING THE SUN IN THE MORNING. I want to see the pitch black of my eyelids and the darkness of my room to lull me back to sleep when I’ve been interrupted. And I mean I’ve tried implementing different portions of this back into my life, namely the waking up before 5:00am to get myself together and then head to the gym when it opens at 5:00am. This has proved a more futile effort in recent history than I have known it to be throughout the course of my entire fitness journey. And as I spent countless 7:00am, second-snoozed alarm clocks dragging myself for being up later than I originally planned to be, I had to take the moments to ask an important question: why is it so hard for you to get up when you used to do it so easily? But to answer that question, I had to also figure out what was the goal of repeating things I’ve done. Sure, it’s great to be able to survive on 2 hours of sleep and have this kick-ass day where I accomplished everything and felt well-rounded. But that’s not my life anymore. Shit, that wasn’t my life after freshman year. As a matter of fact, if we deep dive into that list, we can cross a few things off where I just don’t do these things or at least not in the same capacity:

I prefer yoga to either begin my day or end it

I avoid protein shakes and most synthetic food group; my whole diet has changed and I only really eat once a day

Exercise programs annoy the fuck out of me

I’m not in school anymore

My friends can’t hangout with me at work and my work day is now about 11 hours total on a good day

I barely drink

My body hates the idea of me drinking

My body sends me out of commission when I drink; it’s not happening on a weeknight without adequate planning

So when looking at the two lists and realizing that all I wanted out of my freshman year life was the ability to wake up and exercise without feeling like I’m betraying my bed to go lift a bunch of metal or fuck up my knees, I had to figure out why I couldn’t enter that same frame of mind now. This one took a while and it wasn’t really until I was having a conversation about the people I’m surrounded by in which the factors of why I’m acting contrary to my desires made more sense. (Allow me to digress for a bit to bring in the educational segment of my ramblings.) The idea of behavioral or social contagion defined as the social transmission, by contact, of sociocultural artefacts or states. More readily, the idea in which we as individuals are subjective to the energies of those around us both from a physical and psychological perspective. Broken down a little further and to something we can all recollect from psychology class and the basis in which I’m using this argument from: groupthink theory. While both theories are completely independent of one another, there is a due overlap in which to draw upon. The idea of influence (promise I’m going to resist my rant on social media, namely because it’s too easy) in both of these situations of people being affected by the people around them was one I associated with Darwinism and the dominating personality of others. That strong leaders and personalities could warp those of lesser minds and by staying the course of example in which they set, they dictated the way in which the group thought and the manners in which those around them responded. Not completely off basis but not necessarily right. And the turning point in the conversation and subsequently my frame of thinking about this, was the idea of how leaders speak and some of the more profound advice in which leaders tend to give. Almost always, they speak of their influences and their models but most importantly, of their circle. They talk about how being surrounded by specific types of people allows them to operate in the manner in which they do and that deviations from that are either removed from their lives or have brought them down at some point. So then it clicked:

I am surrounded by the types of people who are contrary to my desires.

And this is not a blanket judgement or an assessment of quality of other people. I have actually done deep discussion with most people who make up the large basis of my day-to-day surroundings and none of the ways in which they think are aligned with the ways in which I typically think. Back in MD, a lot of us shared the same goals of going to college, getting these degrees and either giving back or doing some major town shit. That was my mentality entering freshman year and a lot of the friends in which I picked up were closer to graduating and tended to be of similar mindsets since they were in that transition phase to the “real-world”. Fast forward to today and most of those friends weren’t even from here (here being New York as a populous and Staten Island as a specific). So I’m not around these people and for one reason or another, the communication isn’t as consistent as it could be. But then transitioning to the turning point of looking to the outside and understanding how those people thought was very uninspiring. So much so I was overtaken with a frisson of fear after assessing the collection. From an immediate setting of daily encounters, there was a strong lack of ambition. Just people who were fine with how things went, one way or another, low drive to struggle or achieve, low functionality in desire to accomplish things daily and on a grand scale, and oddly enough, high levels of anxiety when faced with things I would other wise consider simplistic and pragmatic. On the work end, everyone was miserable and depressed. Like that just sums it up right there. In one group, you have the people who are gaining tenure on the offset that it will lead to something better and provide them with the life that they think will make them happy yet have subjugated themselves to a dreary existence in the interim off of pure hope of the unknown and the accounts of others. On the other end are the people who go through the cycle of feeling unfulfilled and run down yet have enough small segments of peace along with ignorance of other options that they go into a system of rationalization to support their complacency with the idea that they could want more or better but what they have is good enough.

So three principles at work here: complacency, lack of motivation/ambition, misery. And while misery loves company, I always thought the other were individual drives. But have you ever had someone start to validate their assessment of your worth to you? Have you believed them? Has that molded the way in which you both actually value yourself and communicate that value to others? In the realm of social contagion, being in a like environment as others who hold a valuation of themselves AND comfort in that valuation can influence one to take up similar valuations. If you’re in a room full of people who hate their job yet aren’t looking for opportunities to rectify that, what is going to incline you to like your job and pursue other endeavors? It’s good enough for everyone else, should be good enough for you, right? If the person next you has less than you and is just as complacent, what’s to say that you really need more? When you think you deserve a raise at work and your boss asks you why, is your first thought the list of shit that equates to a hire monetary value, your knowledge of how others in equal or lesser positions are paid in relevance to you, or do you sit and ask yourself why do you deserve a raise? Anything outside of the first option has more to do with your valuation of yourself based around the valuation of those in your surroundings and it’s projection on you rather than any intrinsic value you may hold about yourself. But more often than not, the latter perspectives are the ones most heavily invoked in a conversation of output to compensation. The matters of what is everyone else doing and how are they relevant to me. Now I’m not knocking the concepts of competition and relativity nor the boundaries of fairness and comparative landscapes. As a matter of fact, as you’re reading this, I can assume you’re thinking I’m going to take this in one of two directions: (1) that people need to focus on themselves and their values in order to operate at whatever level they think is best regardless of those around them or (2) that people should curate their surroundings and the people in them to more closely align with what they desire.

Both of those are great arguments and may someday make great posts. But that’s not what we’re talking about here. If you jump back a couple of paragraphs, I started this on the basis of me not being able to get up at 4:00am and go to the gym to have this otherworldly productive day. Bled in the concept of social contagion to discuss the matters in which the mindset and habits of those around you can greatly influence your own. Bred that into a look at value placed from an internal place and an external valuation. But all in all, and specifically the way in which I wrote this post, these subject serve as standalone pieces and are only hints of conversations surrounding my little epiphany.

I had nothing to look forward to in the day and was working towards nothing in life.

Really. It was the same rut in and out. Wake up, go to a job I hated and everyone around me shared the sentiment, come home after hours to an apartment not in the state I want yet resisting the urge to spend what little of my evening I have to fix it because it’ll just be ruined by the next evening, shower, make dinner, watch something or do a creative project, clean up, go to bed. That was Monday-Friday without fail, without change, without pause. The 4:00am alarm goes off, I turn it off, rolled over and waited for the 6:15am alarm to sound at which point I toss and turn until the last possible moment I need to shower and be out of the house in time to be on time for work. The constant thought of “ugh I don’t want to go in today” just constantly ringing in my head until the thought of “well we have to now” took over. Never mind that 5:00am is when the gym opens and to be on schedule, have to be back by 6:30am at the latest. The highlight of my day was either when I knew it was slow enough that I could work on some screenplays or (and more commonly) that I would get to go home, eat, watch rich people make a fool of themselves (thank you Mona Scott & Andy Cohen) and then lay in my bed. I looked forward to ending my day before it started.The only goal on my mind was figuring shit out and surviving. None of the things that brought me joy were taking place. I wasn’t collaborating on projects and getting to watch someone become more comfortable with themselves in front of a camera. I wasn’t executing any of the visions or projects in my head for people to consume. I wasn’t having dialogue about life outside of myself or others in a manner that took a world view and invoked a philosophical debate. There wasn’t conversations surrounding budgeting or financials or the economic landscape of America nor the fact that Notre Dame Cathedral goes up in flame and in less than 24 hours, it has millions of dollars pledged to fix it yet Flint ain’t got water and college is still highway robbery. There was no fulfillment and because life was good enough for everyone around me, who was I to go against the current. Well, if you know me well, you’d know I’d very much be me.

It really sunk in upon that conversation. The idea that I could easily be susceptible to my surroundings and the emotions of others. How I could become remolded to fit in with my surroundings instead of making a new landscape or obstructing the one already present. I thought that took copious hours and dedication to work under the worst circumstances. I thought that required having a vision and sticking to it no matter the obstacle. In some realm, that still holds true but, given more recent experiences, I’d argue it requires rest. Sure you can run yourself thin on 2 hours of sleep a night, grinding and working towards some ultimate purpose but then you get there and you’re tired. It’s not as enjoyable and if you’re anything like myself, you’re just going to want something else, something more, something bigger. It’s not even the greed of the matter. It’s simply that once you accomplished something your heart once desired, you have come upon new things in which you desire and are proven that you can attain. Think more so like this, at your current age, at this current juncture in your life, do you desire the same things you did 6 months ago, a year ago, 3 years ago, or 5 years ago? Usually at each bridge, the overall goal may be the same but you might adjust your approach or the timeline or add intermediate goals or more long-term goals. There is usually a shift somewhere. And that doesn’t come from being tenacious and wearing yourself out, it comes from rest and reflection. If you’re squatting in the gym and have an injury, the next time you’re squatting you might still have the goal of getting up to 300lbs but you might take the step back and start working higher reps over weight or giving more attention to your form. When you have relationship goals, you might go into it saying I want to be married with kids by 27 and you’re knocking on 26 but if the guy or girl you were planning on having those goals with stops being the person that you want to share that experience with, you might adjust your timeline to recognize the importance in quality of person you’re going to share marriage and kids with rather than the acts of being married with kids. In work, you might have a certain title that you want to reach with a specified compensation level but sometimes your dream jobs aren’t as perfect on the inside or to get to the title you have to take a step back in compensation and work up to it. A lot of the times, the question isn’t “how do I get over this” but rather “how do I get through this?” And the latter question only carries the nuance of being bother reactionary and proactive rather than just reactionary. It is taking the time to ride out the currents with adjustments to reach the ultimate goal. In all of the examples I gave, there is a goal with some type of self-imposed deadline which offers the great perk of being self-adjustable. A lot of times people talk of their goals and desires but don’t flesh out the finer details of how to get there and what could go wrong and in the event that it does, what are the options and most appropriate reactions. People just set goals, make a plan and execute hoping that everything just stays in line. Think about when people are cutting weight and they hit a stall, no one plans for a stall when they’re cutting their calories and already starving. Yet, the usual response is cut more or stay the course and let your body do it’s thing. I personally prefer to just go back up to maintenance for a weekend and then I tend to be good. However, different strokes for different folks and in that, everything doesn’t work for everyone so sometimes you have to be experimental to find what works best for you and your situation. You have to adjust to the circumstances and revamp the plan realizing that you might not make weight by a specified date or you’re not going to be married by 27 or 300lbs isn’t being squatted this month or that the job you wanted may not be everything you wanted.

We all are constantly growing, accomplishing goals and reevaluating what we want but sometimes we have to be careful not to burn ourselves out for the grind. The grind should have some level of enjoyment and when it doesn’t, you need to reevaluate if you’re grinding towards the right thing. Take that time. Keep a purpose. Realize that comparisons are for metrics, you can compare yourself to others or compare yourself to previous iterations but it’s not the same, the stories are made up of different details.

[houses-of-healing]

I'm upset. I've run for two positions of leadership in robotics related student organizations and I lost one, and got a really low level position the second. I consider myself a leader and I was confident in my abilities but I'm starting to wonder if they're right and I'm missing something or I've been doing something wrong. I don't know what to do and I'm realizing now that I'm expecting too much of myself and others by trying to do all this when I'm not put together. I don't deserve these

(forgot to number, part 2 of “I’m upset.”) Positions of power and I’m really confused. I feel a wreck and I’m exhausted of fighting for what’s right and trying to fix everything. I’m just so tired, and what’s worse is that I’m stuck in this emotionally abusive family for two more years and I can’t get out. And on the robotics thing, there were awards and things I wanted to do, to accomplish, and now I don’t think I can. Since im not in power I can’t really do anything until next year; and at(part three of “I’m upset”) Point I’ll only have one year, one season to pull everything together. I wanted to accomplish something but right now I feel small and powerless. I know once I get out of this damn abusive house I’ll probably collapse with burnout from not only that but school, and I’m just so fucking sick of feeling so helpless. I usually make do by not giving a fuck, but that’s not working at the moment. I’m already trying to raise money for the move after I graduate, and I’m only(pt 4 of “im upset”) I’m only 16. I feel like a hypocrite for even bringing it up bc I usually get angry and defensive when people bring up my age because of my history with that being used as reasoning to dismiss my ideas and arguments and validate their abuse. Im starting to realize too many things about my behavior and I hate that my parents and my terrible environment have shaped it all but I’m also simultaneously okay with it bc I try to convince myself i like who I am now and so it’s okay(Pt 5 of Im upset) because it’s ‘made me who I am today’, but its just frustrating as fck. I hate feeling like I’m merely existing in a cage, I hate feeling so damn helpless and afraid. My mom recently confiscated my tarot cards (shes previously taken books I bought with my own $ or received of my own volition, and uses her ‘religion’ to abuse me). Im too tired to practice my beliefs and I don’t have that invaluable tool so its become rlly hard for me to get valuable advice. Thnks 4 listening -C

ASK FROM C TO ANYONE

To my dearest friend C,I hope you are doing okay now. I know it’s a very tough situation to be in right now, but remember you are extremely brave and resilient! You are here and that is what’s the most important. I’m so proud of you.You will hear this a lot and I know you've heard this many many times before, but you are very, very young. You have only a couple of years left, but once you become legally independent (that's very important to think about, when you decide to move out of a situation like yours) you will have many more opportunities and many chances to find good support and love. Right now, you are doing what you CAN do. I would suggest trying to find other ways to cope, like using tarot card websites, or if you have an iPhone, perhaps Vivi's Tarot Card app! (It gives you a daily tarot card thats very positive. I have used it so, so many times and it can, at the very least, affirm your decisions.) Its disrespectful to confiscate any possession of your child, in my opinion, but despair not. When my beloved friends, Sam, Pippin and Merry and I went on our journey, we lost many things valuable to us. It was frightening, to be out without anything familiar to us. We took comfort in remembering the small happinesses we had or taking in what was good in the moment, like the spring breeze, or how warm the fire feels on our poor feet after being frozen to our bone. You, too, can find comfort in the small things. If you have a library near by or a computer, you can find ways to download books of your choosing to read. Your parents can't take them away and you will have the memories. (I suggest using goodreads.com if you want to remember the books you've read or quotes you want to remember!) And you can and will find resources to help you move out and manage being an adult at a young age. howtogrowthefuckup is one good tumblr resource. There are many, many more. There are helplines and text crises lines you can use when you are feeling upset or in despair. You can always come to us, as well. Dear C, I can not show you the deepest amount of pride and admiration I have for you. You are so young, but you stay pure and even on the journey of life, which has so many brittle nettles that sting you, orcs that come find you, you are here. You are not alone. You can reach out to support groups online if need be or even find self-help worksheets to help you cope. Please keep in touch with us at the houses of healing; we do care for you and want to make sure you are safe. For now, keep your chin up, remember you are alive and you can make it through this. When I'm in a slightly safer space on my journey, I will update you with more references and such to help. But for now, feel your heart, take deep breathes in and out, and focus on what you need to get done now, even if it seems trivial. (It is not. Every good deed you do will continue to gather and give you goodness in the future as well.) I suggest also, when you're feeling the most down, think about your future and what you want. You deserve love and support and encouragement, unconditionally. Its something you will have. Thinking or writing down things you want in your future, whether its small, like being able to buy a giant tub of animal crackers or bigger, like ...having a pet to love and be loved by, can help you stay focused.Do not be afraid. You are doing so, so well. Stay in touch, C. All my love and wishes,Frodo Baggins______(lol i cant make a cut on mobile)_____C, I've been in your place before. It sucks. It feels like you're trapped forever. I've had friends who went to hell and came back (literally a few have been homeless) And we are alive. We are okay. We're always trying to find ourselves, but it gets better and easier. It takes time though. You're young. I promise, if you take the chances the universe gives you, it'll be okay. I'm an elusive mod on HOH, but I can always do a tarot reading for you on my personal blog if you feel like you need that. I promise!!!! It gets easier to handle life, it gets better and things will be okay. Sh*t sucks now, but it will never stay like that. I promise you that. -Admin Clare