#which i suppose is all it needs to be rly | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tariah23 · 5 months

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Man, I still remember participating in one of the many jjba zines that I took part in and how my piece was placed as the first page (for the second time) and how one of my mutuals/artists that I’ve always admired, hit me with the “oh… you’re on the front page again… 😅…” like man, that kind of killed me lmfao. I never got over it like man, what was that about.

#it’s not like i put the books together myself or anything all my ass did was submit my work #like this was from a really popular and well known artist as well like #their art has always been so gorgeous to me too I was like ‘I’m literally a nobody is this person really being shady or…’#rambling #I guess it’s nice being in a zine with ppl I don’t know or care to get to know at least now 😭… just submitting my art and running #referring to the jjk zine 😭 I need t start working on it uhh #zines make me feel so anxious man #it really did make me feel bad and almost guilty? I was like this is kind of awkward…#another zine I was in which was run by a mutual… well… I never even got my zine in the mail #and I even sent them $20 for some merch that they were making since I wanted to support and never got that either…#they deleted their blog but I see that they remade and draw a lot of DM and have a lot of popular posts here so it’s kind of awkward seeing #their art shared on the dash sometimes skeks #we’re still mutuals on Twitter but I don’t rly want to ask about my zine again or the $20 bucks #it’s okay like I owe other ppl stuff too I’m a late bird man but still loskekk #they were the mod for the zine too #I might hit them up again I guess I still love their art and they were always fun to talk to #there was another zine that I participated in where we had to purchase our own copy bro #i remember being so annoyed by that but went ahead and bought it anyway #I was invited to this zine so it made me even more annoyed #I #Guess it didn’t make its money back #or something like that but I remember being broke at the time and was pissed that I had to pay for my own book #I didn’t buy any of the merch because why when it was supposed to be free #if you’re participating in a zine the book and merch should be free

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piplupod · 25 days

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i do feel bad that i didnt know ha.tsune m.iku was supposed to be a teenager. i recently (like. a few months ago) saw an artist getting torn into bc they drew her in a suggestive way and everyone was acting like her being a teen is obvious, and i was sitting there seeing this artist getting torn to shreds and the whole time im just thinking "...i had no idea this character is a minor, i wonder if the artist also didnt know"

but then i found out the artist did know and did it on purpose (they proudly said so at a later time) bc i guess they just enjoy being "edgy" and skeevy lmao, so i stopped feeling bad for them. but i still wonder sometimes if ppl are too quick to jump on the "THIS PERSON HAS COMMITTED AN UNFORGIVABLE SIN, LET'S ALL KILL THEM" wagon

#also maybe im just stupid for not knowing she's supposed to be a minor #i know very little abt her though. i just know she's a voice tool for music #and that she sings and dances and ppl like drawing her #idk anything abt her character or lore fbdjdl just what I've gathered through osmosis #and I've seen like... pinup anime figurines of her. so ig i just assumed she was supposed to be an adult #but now that i think about it I've seen pinup style anime figurines of very obviously child characters (like under 10 yrs old)#so i guess thats not... a sign of age at all fjdkdl #i suppose this is just a lesson of ''before u draw suggestive art of a character make sure u know their whole deal beforehand''#which maybe would be a normal thing to do anyways. i havent rly drawn suggestive art so idk the process ppl go thru w it LOL #pippen needs 2nd breakfast

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toastsnaffler · 3 months

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yeah I'm not gonna talk abt it am I...

#well thats okay. eventually itll come up naturally. and if not well. it doesnt make me feel very okay. but its not a big deal #and i guess ill meet ppl in the future who will curate a different idea of me and maybe therell be fewer misunderstandings #<- coward who CAN communicate to save their life but not in any lower stakes situation for their happiness n quality of life #we <3 repression n insecurity. maybe if i keep digging at the corner of this bit of the labyrinth with my spoon ill get out someday 😌#anyway.. theres my daily vague vent post got it out of my system #wanted to do it earlier but ended up not having much time after work n then called friends which was nice :^)#also i never have signal at work these days.. my boss has said shell get me on the staff wifi tho cuz i do need it for work reasons #its rare to need it for work purposes bc we all use work pcs n stuff anyway and not rly supposed to use mobiles in the lab #but yeahh.. god i have so much admin shit to sort out also gotta text family back before i sleep i forgot to earlier #its all good.. also my memory foam pillows turned up so i no longer have to steal my roomies extra one for my neck pain <3 #ik she was missing it... not to sound like a creep but it was nice that it smelled like her a little. just familiar innit #we're always around each other so its just what being home smells like to me.. listen i have a sensitive nose 😔✋️#if we were a lot closer i would ask if i could sleep in her bed while shes away but we're not so it would come across sooo weird..#and i would feel rly weird abt someone sleeping in my own room without me there. well maybe not actually. as long as they werent snooping #<- guy whose mother used to go thru their shit all the time n struggles to not feel paranoid and distrustful when it comes to privacy #was thinking recently my ideal living situation w a partner would be separate rooms but we still share the bed sometimes #but not every night bc im a sensitive sleeper... but we can switch bedding so i can still smell them if i wake up in the night alone #like how new mothers trying to get babies used to cot sleeping each have a cloth or blanket and swap every night #so the baby is comforted by the blankets smell and sleeps more peacefully.. and momma finds it easier being apart from the baby too #sorry this is getting gooey and weird my meds have been wearing off the last couple hours im so sleeppyyyy 😭#well.... maybe everything can wait until tomorrow..... bed is calling..#goodnight everyone muah #.diaries

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arolesbianism · 5 days

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Mental health shit is kicking my ass but at least I have my silly guys

#keese draws #eternal gales #oc art #oc #my birthday is in a few days btw wish me luck #I’m trying to be excited best I can but yknow #I’m hoping that my friends and family do a good job at distracting me from the horrors for all that #which I’m sure they will they do a great job at keeping me from losing my shit on days like that #we’re going to eat good food and play games and it’s going to be fun and I’ll be happy #just need to hold out and not freak out too much in the meantime lol #but yeah I’ve been considering tweaking a couple of the staliens antennae recently #hence the mason #but I’m not sure if I’ll commit #most of the cast has fairly distinct antennae from eachother with mason being the main problem child to me #if I was willing to draw more detailed antennae then I’d go absolutely ham with everyone’s antennae but I’m not so #I’m mostly thinking abt this because I drew odile as a stalien a few days ago and gave her some fancy antennae #in my minds eye her antennae are Huge and she uses the to help read carved languages #the actual main stalien cast have very normal not noteworthy antennae except for sorta beats but having two pairs isn’t even that uncommon #but admittedly I am half tempted to try giving one of them huge antennae simply because it’d be fun to draw #but none of them rly fit the bill for that except maybe butter but they already have long ass ears they don’t need both #I should rly go fill out everyone’s toyhouse bios at some point I did like two or three a few weeks ago then gave up #and I didn’t even do any of the staliens I think I just did aris and sier #I also need to fix their mini playlists I have on their profiles but that can wait #anyways I now need to do some fun 2 am cleaning I was supposed to do hours ago #I got distracted drawing

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nomairuins · 2 months

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i just fucking hate having ptsd all of it. so many stupid fucking things send me into fucking hysterics it sucks and i hate it and i dont want itttt anymore i dont want it.

#i literally like. i didnt tell u guys bc it was embarassing #but i had to hype myself up to eat a fucking orange the other day. like i was shaking and crying and i nearly threw up.#bc it fucking reminded me of All that and also bc its one of the only foods i got to eat outside ofm my one meal a day #while i was living there. bc my coworker gave me oranges sometimes #and one time she gave me a whole bag of cuties which was wonderful of her i miss her #but i pretty much like. bc during m-f i had a meal at work #and i could get something from the vending machine if i needed to #but on the weekends i had to either order food (which would always make me insanely nauseous bc of. the money stuff. yk) or just eat #what i had in my room bc i couldnt use the kitchen bc the roommates would be mad at me #and they might kick me out and id be actually fucked. its so crazy looking back that i genuinely the entire time i fucking lived there even #b4 the breakup the entire time i was in terror that theyd evict me. bc i wouldnt have been able to do anything abt it #i mean thats why i didnt like. leave him after he . and stuff. both bc i thought i didnt deserve anything better and bc i was terrified #theyd evict me and i wouldnt have any way to get home. it was terrifying #but ya. so for a couple weeks i rationed myself One orange per day lol. and on weekends that was all i was able to eat rly #idk. i hate ptsd. basicalllyyyy is the gist of ittt. and i keep thinking abt random fucking things they did to me #me when they jokingly tell me to starve myself when i literally have a fucking eating disorder. and when i told The Only Person i knew in #that fucking house abt it he told me i was being dramatic and i was just being greedy and etc. and then later when i got off work today i #saw on their fucking whiteboard in the kitchen i wasnt supposed to use Eat more <3 as one of their goals. while i went to sit in the garage #for the weekend eating a single fucking orange a day. god #idk. ive gotten better with eating i still have the scale but i ws able to go months without using it until the medical call the other week #and i havent used it since but. everytime i think abt all that itmakes me want to go back to it. i cant tho everyone would notice #i do still eat a wholee lot less than i did b4 washington but idk. idont remember if i even ate today i probably should but i dont feel #hungry but i cant even fucking trust that bc i Starved myself for so fucking long im too good at ignoring hunger. and i never was super in #touch with my body but im constantly numb now. idk.#ed ment #a2t #i ws gonna say more but it ws tmi + tag limit anyway. its just insane that my fucking ed wouldnt have happened if it werent for him and it #graduated i wouldnt have been isolatedinever wouldve had an ed. like 50% of my ptsd would be Gone if i just hadnt joined that discord. lol

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flovverworks · 2 months

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pien

#stardust speaking !#anytime i open the comic one folder i see akiras flinching back into reality when mitile calls for figaro and feel everything at once #im normal now #CANNOT WAITTTT TO SEE IT ANIMATED mayhaps animating pt1 is excellent after all #i forgot who does the anime but please add a scene early on where akira cries PLEEEAAASEEEEEEEEEE #ALL ALONE IN A NEW WORLD WHERE UR ONLY COMFORT IS A BOOK WRITTEN BY THE DUDE WHO PREVIOUSLY WAS IN UR POSITION AND HAPPENED TO KNOW JP #AS WELL #(long talk about akira & slowly not clinging to the sages book as they grow closer to the ppl around them = more comfortable)#i should put that kyukyukyurarin here cuz. that one comment about akira arriving alone and leaving alone i dont think i can do it scoobs #i wasnt supposed to talk about this at all. uhhhh q is back on salute emoji. which means i must write more. my beloved drafts im runinng #ALSO im gonna make sure to im ppl the stuff. i missed being annoying.#anyhow my opens r always open. my meme tag is there. gbf stream soon and then proseka YAHOO #which means i need to hurry up with pt2 grrrrrrr theres pt2 specific things i Rly wanna write/address #and i KNOWWWWWW ill want to talk about 4th anni for a billion yrs #i miss the 4th anni ost...........#(spends more time thinking abuot mhyk lov n deepspace au)#GOODNIGHT #actualy the fact akira goes from 'i wanna talk to arthur in case he knows a way for me to go home' to 'i dont want to leave until ive #accomplsihed things here' (and in general the tanabata events of akira hesitating to wish to go home partly cuz wishing for that when #everyone worked so hard to hold a party......is a bit.....and partly cuz they. kinda. do not. want to leave alrdy #gah...

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volfoss · 2 months

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like i genuinely cannot believe thegall that she has quinn saying that oh they loved being servants... really??

[ID: Text reading:

"“I let them go into the front parlor together, and then I went into the kitchen for lunch, where Jasmine was just telling Big Ramona that they were rich. I hated to break up their happiness with my glum looks and I blamed it all on hunger. Besides, Jasmine had always been rich and so was Big Ramona. They just never wanted to leave Blackwood Manor, everybody knew."/end ID]

#twist rambles #vc posting #sorry im so fucking sick of it. 1. set in 1990. 2. she does this w like quite literally EVERY slave character (of which most are barely #prominent characters outside of her using antiblack stereotypes. as im sure u can imagine which one of those a character named big ramona #fits.) and 3. we are really supposed to be on quinns side after it seems he pressured jasmine into sex after using terms such as #“my chocolate candy” “cafe au laut” “milk chocolate” to her. like out loud. we are supposed to like this guy?? like her racism (annes) know #no bounds atp #ask to tag #yeah haha the servants loveee being here lol they dont even need to be paid ^_^ theyre just that rich bc we are some of the GOOD ones. jesu #and this has been going on since the start of the book and just keeps on coming over and over #like not even to get into how all of these esrvants are objectified and jasmine esp is just reduced to a sex object. but the seconddd quinn #sees a white lady hes literally proposing. but jasmine isnt good enough for that in the narratives portrayal of her. its all fucking vile.#i dont want to hear ANYONE say she didnt have horrific handling of race when all this happens in this book and last book had mar.ius #referring to an indian man like he was an animal and had no human qualities. like genuinely i do not think ppl know how bad it is bc most #ppl stop after the first 3 books. and for good reason. anyways good god im so pissed off. my beautiful lj buddy had about 3 paragraphs on #the insane classism she demonstrated last chapter and it rly just keeps continuing to this chapter. like im sorry idc abt how rich quinn is #i need him dead. for many reasons. anyways good god. this book is hell.

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j-esbian · 7 months

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see the problem with all of the puzzles in bg3 is like. sometimes the player (me) is stupid. and at least in a real dnd game you might get the dm to take pity on you

#the number of ‘’walkthroughs’’ that i’ve found that don’t actually. help #they tell you the map coordinates or whatever. what about if i cannot physically find what you’re talking about AT THOSE COORDINATES #or cannot figure out how to get to those coordinates (like when i spent three days trying to find karlach)#i’m in hell. actually still having a very hard time getting invested and like. not rly enjoying this game lmao #I AM PLAYING ON EXPLORER MODE AND SOMEONE GOES DOWN IN ALMOST EVERY COMBAT #also just. open world syndrome a little bit #too many quests that apparently i can’t actually move forward in yet. and too much open space #making me feel like. i need to go explore and grind when i just want to finish the quests i already have good lord #idrc about exploring every corner of the map. at this point???#tried going into the mountain pass and it was like ‘hey you’re really low level. reconsider <3’ and im like #literally WHAT is there to do for me here #(it wanted me to go to the underdark. which i figured would progress the story so i was trying to find lae’zel’s crèche while we’re here??)#also on a non gameplay note #inSANE that all of the questlog items for daughter of darkness list her and i having interactions that We Did Not #got to act 2 and she’s like ‘hey i worship shar btw. this is supposed to be a reveal’ but like. the quest log told me that immediately??#was i not supposed to read that?? she never told me that she wanted to join the justiciars. i never gave her the idol.#but it said all of those happened???#maybe i’m biased bc my first save was trying to play as her but it REALLY feels like they’re pushing her to be the main character #like. kinda sucks how she’s the only companion you can check in with and say ‘how do you think we’re doing’#and these fucking controls #why are the items hit boxes so weird. my cursor is a centimeter away and yet it still highlights something #the label isn’t actually next to the thing it’s describing so holding the alt key does nothing to show me where it is #god forbid you try to point at something through an open door #the fucking. camera angles. impossible to see what i’m doing or where i’m going because the trees and walls and shit keep getting in the way #straight up not having a good time #but this was a lot of money and i’ve heard it picks up #when tho #also the fact that i rly like wyll and he’s got like. nothing. id heard he has less content than other origins but #didn’t realize it was to a noticeable extent #maybe it’ll pick up and give him more to talk about once i save his dad. please god

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kittychicha · 7 months

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...

#actually the reason im so active again is bc i was switching jobs and im supposed to start on monday #so like ive been with a lot of free time this week since im done w the interview processes which were long af in all companies i was interv #i rly wanted this one job bc it payed more and the dude seemed cool but he told me they chose someone else so i accepted another offer #AND NOW this dude from b4 comes and tells me they might have another opening and he thought of me #VUELVE EL PERRO ARREPENTIDO...#lol but like i haven't even started this new jobbbb its nothing certain but like i cant just start and then quit after 1 second lmao #i would have to do the 2 week notice week...on my first two weeks lmao??#but this dude pays like twice the salary and the work is better like in this new job i accepted bc i needed something but its crazyyy #they're asking for someone to do like 3 different roles at the same time :/#🫠🫠🫠🫠#cata.txt

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tkbrokkoli · 9 months

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i can start T today 🥳

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skypiea · 2 years

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I Have really been enjoying trigun stampede on It’s own merits but it is getting hard for me to keep from comparing it to the manga… seeing great elements from the manga I love incorporated but in a really rushed and Surface Level way is kinda a bummer

#kite.txt #rly feels like they’ve speedrun vash and wolfwoods relationship in a way that makes it feel so… unearned #they still feel like strangers rn in stampede. whereas the livio and backstory stuff is supposed to be like the climax of their friendship #and of course Meryl is just absolutely . um. an absolute shadow of the character she once was #nd 7 eps in they have done nothing with Roberto that made him worth replacing Milly . the Story (and esp mery) has only suffered #from millys absence. also rly didnt need to axe one of the two female Leads in favor of another man (who does nothing)#the animation and General look is amazing and there are def some things I think were rly smart #but overall it feels like a super watered down amalgamation of manga ideas which isnt. awful bc it’s still fun but #as a trimax Fan it hurts to see a little #also the removing off all the unique elements like the lightbulbs and Angelic body horror #in favor of Stock Standard sci-fi Fluid Tube and typical ‘Alien’ looking plante #is not a decision I can defend at all it just strips the series of some of its most iconic and unique visual elements #that one just kinda sucks

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piplupod · 11 months

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me like four days ago to an old friend who msged me to reconnect: "yeah no i think things are settling down maybe after this last month of actual hell"

today: mother's medical situation has been handed a kablooey and the next few months are going to be Even Harder

#she is getting a biopsy tomorrow. and um. medications are being fucked with to drastic degrees #and we're going to have to wait several months for surgery when she was supposed to originally get it next month #fucking hell i am so incredibly stressed fjjfkdl i dont want this to be happening at all #i am the caregiver who is in charge of making sure she's conscious and okay at all times when dad's not available #i.e. he is at work or sleeping (shift worker)#and then bc of this im also on 911 calling duty if she ever does have smth happen #which isnt entirely out of the question. augh.#its uhm. a rly fucked thing to have to be the caregiver for ur abuser. im not doing very well tbh fjdkdl #this is also why hiatus is happening rn dhdksl things are so incredibly nightmarish rn #idk how im doing as well as i am <- is incredibly out of touch w reality and dissociating to dangerous degrees #idk!! i am frightened and exhausted and i just am begging whatever higher power may exist to let this be over one way or another honestly #get me out or get me gone or do smth to another of the chess pieces in this game so it can all finally stop #i need to go do 1k more words before bed tonight if i want to keep on track w november writign month #but i also desperately am needing to do my nightly drawing+decompressing fbfjdkdl so idk what to do its already 9pm augh augh #luckily i have dbt tomorrow so i will get to See real live ppl again tomorrow #its been a week since i talked to or have seen anyone outside of family face to face fbkfdl #god i am so fucked fjkfdl this is so so so bad and i cannot do anything abt any of it #i rly fucking wish dbt was helpful for ongoing situations but it seems like its only for short term bad times fjfjdldl #im so gjfkdld this is so fucked and i am aaaaaaaaa #pippen needs 2nd breakfast #vent tw

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itoshi-s · 2 years

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ever since the dialogue discourse dropped i've been in the biggest creativity block EVER like.. miss girl you're doin it 4 urself in the first place.. and yeah i still like it in the end when i reread,, but its just the second thoughts that make me want to tear my hair out 😭

#✧.* ʕ •ᴥ• ʔ zaria speaks #cw rant #ive always been very descriptive w my writing - as much as i could w english not bein my first language #but since i'm mainly writing just for self fulfillment and indulgence i didnt pay that much attention 2 it #like yeah there's sooo much i want to work on still but monologue wasnt rly one of these things #not on top of the list i mean #but now im like almost 1k words in and not a sentence has been spoken loool and im like :/ ehh #i have it planned out and the vision is v precise for a while now but yeah #its got me thinking but not necessarily in a good way which is frustrating because its supposed to be just a lil silly creative outing yk #there is time and place to improve and work on your skills but sometimes u just wanna let go w/out a worry in mind #n it is a bit discouraging when the flow gets all blocked up #this isnt meant to say the discourse wasnt needed cause i do think it gave some ppl insight on their work #but yeah it was a bit of a bummer lol

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nomaishuttle · 1 year

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okay saur when i get home im gonna try and fill out the insurance form since well im stuck here. once thats through and ive got insurance set up im gonna try and do a proper psych eval bc i reakized ive bever actually had one. and i think itd be very very useful

#ive been on and off in therapy since i was like. before age 7? very on and off though #and i like. i have gad and mdd dxed. i know these #but i think itd be rly helpful for me t have like. a straight up actual real life psych eval so i know what i need to be working on #bc like. mostnof the therapy ive been in is i just go in and dalk abt whatever i want to ralk abt #which isnt helpful 4 me bc i need t be like. guided. bc otherwise i dont rly get into the root of issues #most therapy ive had is just i go in i talk abt the surface level details of something imbuspet abt and the therapist says Okay heres this #worksheet do it when you get home. goodbye ! and then i dont do the worksheet #and ik a lot of that is me not being willing 2 put in the work 4 therapy as well but like. it felt like all my former therapists never #avtually dug into the actual issues. or confronted me with anything #ykwim. idk if that makes sense #idk how ill like. Get to my psych eval thats a problem for future connor. i suppose ill soon be able t save up enough money t get a ride #since ive got Veeeery strict spending rules now. im only allowed t spend likee 240 dollars a konth on fun things and everything else either #goes to rent or debt or savings. this is the rule

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faaun · 2 years

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i feel rly irredeemably horrible rn...longing for emotional support....anyway vent in tags

#physically i feel so ill etc . and i have to catch up on so much #and i just got a grade back for an assignment and it wasnt a 1st and literally almost . cried bc #it rly was supposed 2 be. i dont have my housing sorted out for next yr and i am rly worried #i look hideous rn bc my face is rly swollen and it was a fat transfer so u dont get to see results for like #6 months but mostly the swelling should settle in like a month but that means i will just look #kind of monsterous for a while. i cant do archery anymore bc it involves heavy weights ig which im supposed to not do #and its like as soon as i find smth i like it is taken away...i feel . like shit. etc. and according to the clinic it is Not Normal to be #so weak. have to get lasik in a few days while still recovering from transfer + nose surgery so i literally #feel like my body is going to give out but also idk if i will find time to catch up on stuff etc i feel likr my brain is rotting #i basically have no support system rn except my gf bc my friends are all so busy w their own stuff #which is also v bad. like i cannot rely on her as my sole source of emotional support #feels like academics etc have taken a backseat this yr so far and that is Horrible like i need that to not be the case #but im too nauseous and weak etc to sit up for prolonged periods of time taking notes #taking 7 antibiotics a day etc..idk . i have to travel 6hrs #tmrw then have lasik on monday then travel back 6hrs the same afternoon or tuesday morning #like i legit already feel like my body is giving out idk how i will do this. and i feel so incredibly alone throughout #all of this . idk.#genuinely i am turning into a black hole and if things get bad again i will lose it . i hate this feeling i hate the #marked loneliness that comes b4 things spiral downwards and this feels like it #that was a lot ✌️ anyway if any1 has any advice or words to share or anytjing to say ever pls do #i need human interaction soooo badly #personal

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pepprs · 2 years

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meant to post abt this yesterday and ik it’s kinda mean but i think the counselor i have rn is the worst one ive ever had possibly even worse than (or tied w) the one i had over the summer who kept ending our sessions well before the full hour was up when i was going thru a horrible time and kept spending the sessions mostly talking abt herself and her own problems. actually no now that i write that out she was probably the worst (though she was one of the warmest / nicest and our personalities meshedreally well so i feel bad saying that she was the worst). but the one i have now is so…. lke idk. my experience w the worst counselor made me rly want to work w a clinical intern again bc i wanted someone who would like. actuallytake things seriously and give me the time i was paying for and spend all of it talki ng abt the things i was paying to talk abt and draw from the most recent / cutting edge info instead of entirely personal experience (WHICH AGAIN I FEEL SO BAD ABT BECAUSE. my work is all abt healing each other by sharing things like that and i realt did like her but it just wasn’t appropriate i guess bc it was a counseling relationship!) but my current counselor is so… rigid and restrictive. like i think he is trying too hard to apply what he’s being taught and he seems like nervous and talking out of his ass and he masks that by taking up SO much space and spending like 3 minutes responding to every one minute i talk and literally like strongarmimg the convos and deciding what we’re going to talk about and moving us on to a new topic abruptly before i feel ready to move on and like taking time out of our sessions to do paperwork / admin stuff so he doesn’t forget later (and a lot of the time i think he’s doing it while im talking bc i see his eyes moving around his screen and the light on his face like he’s not even listening to me). and it fucking sucks. i want to crack him like an egg so bad and make him realize it doesn’t have to be this way but i know that’s not my responsibility and in our session last night i basically gave up trying to create enough space for myself and just let him steer things bc i was having side effects and it was just rly unsatisfying

#purrs #i know it is entirely within my right to address these things both for my sake and for his / his future clients but im so scared lol like i #don’t want to tell him he’s doing a bad job and making it hard for me to navigate but literally when you keep steamrolling and silencing me #and cutting me off and forcing me around… yeah. also he has to record our sessions and show them to his profs / supervisors and it’s so like #idk. ive been recorded in sessions before and im totally fine w it but there’s 2 things abt this specific instance of it thst distress and #annoy me. 1) when we sign on to our session he says like 2 things to me then starts the recording and is TOTALLY fake and forcing it like #hello tess welcome to our session and he’ll repeat some of the stuff he said but in a more like.. extensive way so it just feels rly fake #to me lol. WHICH ALSO REMINDS ME 1.5) not related to the recording but every time he asks me questions he asks like… 3 questions but doesn’t #give me space to answer the two like it’s just a bridge for him as he&/ working his way to the thing he actually wants to ask me and i #fucking hate when ppl ask me questions and then answer them themselves or like don’t want to hear the answer. i had 2 profs like that in #brighton and it fucking pissed me offff so being around someone who does that again is rly agitating ik it’s just a nervous habit but yeah.#and 2) i am kinda concerned that none of my counselors profs or supervisors have seemed to call him on how he doesn’t give me space or let #me guide the convo. like idk maybe it’s just that all of my counselors before him were too loose w me but i feel like it s not supposed to f #feel this rigid and i am kinda scared abt the implications of no one actually watching these recordings and see how i try to speak but he #almost always talks over me and i just give up. lol. i like him he’s a nice person i just think he’s nervous and trying too hard and it #would be passable for like.. the little kid clients who usually go there but it doesn’t feel good for me a 23 year old who has had like what #6 counselors before him all of whom gave me space and didn’t shove me around. i miss the counselors i had from oct 2020 - jul 2021 and sept #2021 - feb 2022 they were the best ever and i am inches away from terminating here and just trying to go to wherever they are full time now #and working w them again bc they rly got me and i didn’t know how good i had it lol. i guess i don’t need someone as good anymore bc things #in my life are objectively better than they were during those times but my mental health is still bad so i would uhhh… like someone good #and don’t think that’s too much to ask and need to get it into my head that i CAN ask it. ok rant over #*no one actually watching the recordings has seen / pointed out to him how he steamrolls me etc etc

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