#which is reassuring bc i actually feel like my art has gotten worse since my rgg days and this shows that progress is not linear :)

[pinkgibbon]

family business

after the events of yakuza 0 they become business partners and run the best massage/real estate company the world has ever seen

[artificialqueens]

Girl I Met On The Internet, 4/? (Crystal x Gigi) - Strawberry

Summary: Gigi and Crystal discuss things in person. Elites Only also gains a new member.

As soon as Crystal realized what was happening, she exited the Twitter app. The girl she had been talking to for months, the girl she had shared so many things with was Georgina Goode, who happened to be best friends with the girl who hated Crystal for no reason, because of course this would happen to Crystal.  

Crystal’s mind was racing, her brain instantly jumping to the worse case scenarios. Did Gigi know she was talking to Crystal this entire time? Was this entire thing just a ploy orchestrated by Dahlia to get dirt on her? Georgina was not gay, but Gigi was. Did Gigi even like her, or was Crystal just an experiment that no one would ever find out about because it was over the internet? She knew none of these theories made sense, she didn’t think Gigi had any idea who she was until now.

Gigi was freaking out. She had messaged Crystal, attempting to explain herself, but she had gotten no reply. Crystal hadn’t even read them. Panicking, she messaged Jan, hoping she would be online.

gigi: jan oh my fuckigng

jan!: WHAT HAPPENED? ARE YALL GFS??

gigi: …no

jan!: and why is that?

gigi: she literally goes to my school she sent me a selfie and i sent one back without saying that we’re irls and she just said what the fuck and now she wont message me back

gigi: i know u don’t like how rude dahlia is so im sorry i have to mention her but she’s literally the girl dahlia picks on for no reason i didn’t even know her name was crystal

jan!: W H A T 

gigi: what do i do

jan!: girl like i know?? this doesn’t usually happen to people.

jan!: when do you usually see crystal

gigi: i see her in the halls sometimes. she told me before that she stays mostly in the art wing tho

jan!: ok. tomorrow  go to the art wing and find her. talk to her. she’s probably not responding bc im sure it’s not a good feeling to find out the girl she’s been flirting with for months is best friends with the girl bullying her

gigi: god i feel so bad about that. i only stopped it once and i feel so bad

jan!: i love you but you’re a fucking idiot, gigi. you really are. go talk to her tomorrow and do better.

-

The next morning arrived faster than Crystal wanted it to. She was dreading going to school, knowing she couldn’t avoid Gigi forever. Thankfully, they did not have any classes together, but crossing paths was inevitable. The thought of seeing Gigi, even from across a crowded hallway, made her want to sob.

Her stomach started hurting because of her anxiety, but convincing her mother to let her stay home didn’t go over well. Crystal had convinced her mother at first, but as soon as she felt Crystal’s forehead to see if Crystal was running a temperature, which she wasn’t, she had insisted that Crystal stop pretending and get ready for school. She even drove Crystal to school instead of having her walk to make sure Crystal didn’t skip.

Crystal walked straight to the bathroom in the art wing. It was smaller, with only two stalls and the cell service was terrible; but it was vacant for the most part. She often stayed there when she wanted to skip class, and the only person she had ever encountered was Aiden, a shy girl from her art class. If Gigi was looking for her, this bathroom would be the last place she would look.

She had spent the morning sketching and listening to One Direction. She was in the zone, barely noticing when the door opened. Crystal didn’t bother looking up when she felt someone’s presence there, assuming that it was Aiden. “Hey, Aiden.”

“Uh,” Gigi started, “Crystal?”

Crystal’s head shot up, her eyes wide as she looked at a very relieved looking Gigi. “Oh, shit. Hey.” 

Gigi walks over to her, kneeling down to be at the same height as Crystal. “I know you’re probably upset with me, but can we talk? Please? I’ve been looking for you all period.”

Crystal nodded, moving her backpack to make a spot for Gigi to sit down. “Sorry I said what the fuck and dipped, I really didn’t know what else to do.”

“I’m the one who should be sorry. I’m going to sound like such a bitch but I didn’t even know your name until last night.” Gigi had never been good with names, only being able to remember her online friends’ names in the beginning because their name was attached to everything they did. Crystal had been known to Gigi as ‘Art Girl’ until last night.

Crystal had to laugh at that. “It’s fine. I don’t think Dahlia knows what my name is either, and I’ve lived in her mind rent free for years!”

“Speaking of her, I’m so sorry I only stopped her once. I didn’t want to get into it but I realize now that ignoring it is just as bad as joining in. Especially seeing the effects it has on you first hand, and now that I know I could’ve helped.”

Last night, Crystal gave Gigi a run down on every single color she had ever dyed her hair, and she had mentioned that she stopped dying her hair once she got into high school because she didn’t want to stick out even more, in fear of getting treated worse. It had made Gigi sad then, and knowing she could’ve changed that made her feel even worse. 

“Yeah, I don’t know how this is going to impact your real life, but no matter what I just hope you will step in next time.” 

Gigi reached over to grab Crystal’s hand and squeezed it gently. “I will never let her hurt you ever again. I care about you so much.”

They sat in silence for a few moments.

“Can I tell you something?” Crystal asked quietly, avoiding Gigi’s glance. 

“Of course. You can tell me anything.”

“I really like you. I know it’s probably weird now, since you’re not out and I’m not positive you feel the same, but I feel like I should tell you.”

Gigi smiled, placing her fingers under Crystal’s chin, lifting them up to make Crystal make eye contact with her. “I’ve been hoping you would say that.”

Crystal blushed at the contact. “Really?”

“Of course! You’re the most interesting person I’ve ever met. I would be such a fool not to like you back.”

The bell rang, interrupting their moment. Gigi pulled away, pulling her phone out of her jacket pocket to check the time. “Fuck. I have a test this period.”

“It’s okay. We can talk about this later,” Crystal reassured her, standing up even though she had no intention to go to her next class, “I can send you my address and we could meet after school?”

Gigi nodded, pulling Crystal into a tight hug. “This is the most emotion I’ve ever shown at once. I thought it was going to be scary but I feel so much better. Thank you for talking to me. If I was you I don’t think I would’ve.”

“I could never not talk to you.”

-

Crystal decided she would stay in the bathroom until lunch. It was mostly out of laziness, as her Gigi related anxiety was long gone. Doing academics was the last thing she felt like doing now. 

She had plenty of entertainment, she had missed a lot on Twitter, and had two thousand new messages from the group chat, even though she was gone for less than a day.

crystal: im skipping class what’s up ladies

jan!: hi crystal!!!

jaida: girl where have you been?? my world has been so empty

nicky: wtf jaida stop acting like i don’t exist

crystal: ehh personal things happened so i was ia. i dyed my hair green last night tho!! look!!

jan!: omg you’re so pretty

jaida: HOT HOT HOT

nicky: crystal. marriage now

heidi: omg girl you look so good!! i love your leprosy print shirt

heidi: leprosy

heidi: girl how do you spell lepord

heidi: leopard

heidi: there we go

nicky: you did it!

jaida: so proud of you

She was relieved they didn’t question her further, but she couldn’t help but be curious about what their reactions would be if they knew what was going on. Talking to the girls again made time go by extremely fast, before Crystal knew it the bell rang, declaring it lunch time.

She hadn’t eaten breakfast due to her anxiety from this morning, and just realized how hungry she was. Collecting her stuff, she exited the bathroom and headed down to the cafeteria. 

When she was in line to pay for a slice of pizza and a bag of pretzels, she had caught the attention of Dahlia, who didn’t hesitate to express how she felt about her new hair. 

“Ew, who in their right mind would dye their hair green?” Dahlia loudly asked Gigi, making sure Crystal was in ear shot. 

Before Crystal could defend herself, Gigi spoke up. “Dahlia, can you please shut the fuck up? No one cares what you think about Crystal’s hair, it looks fine. I can hardly tolerate you being rude anymore.”

“Georgina, what the fuck? I’m not rude!” Dahlia whined, making Crystal smile. She had been slightly surprised that it happened so soon, but she was happy Gigi stepped in.

Crystal paid and made sure to wave at the girls on her way out. Gigi waved back, and Dahlia looked the other way, her arms crossed.

-

crystal: it’s not that i didn’t believe you but i’m shocked that actually happened..

gigi: she’s lowkey mad at me but idc

gigi: i believe you owe me ur address? 

crystal: oh that’s right!

gigi: i have cheer after school but i can come over right after

crystal: yay!!! 

The rest of the day was painfully long. Every minute felt like an hour, Crystal was even bored during her art class. She couldn’t wait to go home and talk to Gigi.

She zoned out while she was walking home, wondering what could happen tonight. Crystal would like to think that Gigi was about to kiss her before they got interrupted, or maybe she was going to ask Crystal to be her girlfriend. Anything could happen, and Crystal couldn’t really tell how she felt about it.

When she got home, she tidied up her room. Her bed was unmade, her dirty clothes were on the floor, and a couple dirty cups littered the top of her night stand. It wasn’t too bad, Crystal would usually consider this clean for her, but it made her feel slightly embarrassed now. She had the urge to fix it, even though Gigi probably wouldn’t have cared too much if Crystal left it the way it was.

After her room was clean, she still had some time to spare before Gigi would be on her way. She headed to the group chat, curious to see what chaos they were up to currently. 

nicky: ADD HER

nicky: ADDD HEEERRRRR

jaida: jan please come back i hate it here

crystal: who are we adding?

nicky: JACKIE

jan!: NO WE WILL NOT BE ADDING HER

nicky: why :(

jan!: i can’t trust you guys to not embarrass me in front of her and she is not a stan!!! she will not understand any of you!

jaida: we don’t have to embarrass you, you’ll do it yourself. we can teach jackie stan language, she’s smart and she’ll catch on

nicky: JAIDAHJKFDGLK

crystal: omg add her

jan!: i hate you all so much

nicky: PLS

jan!: fine.

jan! added Jackie

jan!: jackie, these are my friends. don’t believe anything they say about me.

Jackie: Oh, hello everyone!

nicky: YAAAS JACKIE NATION

nicky: c’mon auto caps!

crystal: hi!  

jaida: hi jackie!

heidi: i leave to play animal crossing for 15 minutes and we get a new member… smh

nicky: not just any new member! it’s jackie!!!!

jaida: the way nicky likes jackie more than jan does

heidi: that’s impossible. jan is SUCH a simp for jackie

Jackie: What? 

crystal: OMFG

Jackie: Does that mean she likes me? I’m confused.

nicky: yes!

Jackie: That’s good. I would assume that Jan likes me, especially after what we did in my car earlier.

crystal: holy fucking shit

jan!: OMFGHFJSKDSFHJDFJK UH

jan!: JACKIE SHUT UP!!!!!!

Jackie: Why?

jaida: god i love it here

gigi: janet you better tell me everything later!!!

jan!: GET YOUR MINDS OUT OF THE GUTTER!!!!!!!

Crystal was so invested in the train wreck going on, only focusing on the messages sent by Jan and Jackie that she didn’t notice Gigi had come online until she got a notification that Gigi sent her a private message. 

gigi: im on ur street :)

Crystal ran to the door, opening it the second she saw Gigi step onto the porch. Gigi jumped, not expecting it. “Someone’s eager to see me, huh?”

Crystal blushed, letting Gigi in. “Shut up.”

Gigi kicked off her shoes and sat her backpack down next to them before letting Crystal lead her to her room. It was colorful, lots of posters and canvases covering the hot pink walls. “This is very you. I like it!”

“Thank you!” Crystal exclaimed, taking a seat on her bed and patting the space next to her. Gigi gladly sat next to her. 

“This is just really weird. 24 hours ago, I didn’t know who you were and now you’re in my bed. It’s kind of overwhelming,” Crystal blurted out, making Gigi frown. “But not in a bad way!” She clarified, “It’s just a lot to process.”

“Oh, yeah. It is a big change. Last night, I was going to ask you to be my girlfriend, but that obviously did not happen.” Gigi blushed, grabbing a throw pillow from Crystal’s bed to hide her face in. 

Crystal took the pillow away from her, sitting it next to them, “Do you still want me to be your girlfriend?”

Gigi nodded. “Yeah, but I don’t know if we should become official yet. We know each other so well, but I feel like we need to see if we vibe in person.”

“I don’t think we will have an issue with that, but I agree. Let’s take it slow. But can I try something first?”

Gigi grinned, “Yeah, what?”

“This.” Crystal whispered, leaning forward until her lips pressed against Gigi’s. Gigi kissed her back, wrapping her arms around Crystal’s neck and pulling Crystal even closer.

[imbellarosa]

Okay so every time people question individual lines of lyrics, all those BNFs in particular practically come at people's throats for merely asking a totally valid question. Look, I get it. I've been a Lit student. I get that you can't take everything literally bc often in poems esp, it's all a carefully constructed metaphor which you have to dig deep to understand. But in terms of lyrics, everyone is always prattling on about not taking it word for word, understanding it can refer to arguments

& just emphasising 'the whole picture' & DO NOT FOCUS ON THAT ONE LYRIC. But sometimes I am so lost, like with all those lyrics e.g. 'we were in love, now we're strangers' or 'Maybe one day you'll call me and tell me that you're sorry too', what other way are you supposed to read them if not literally? I just don't understand. This is not a question craving reassurance that they're not broken up or whatever. I have faith in them, and I'm not looking for that. But really, at the end of the day,

3. I truly do not blame people for thinking that. I know all those BNFs LOVE to have their superiority complex and snub anyone who has doubts or asks questions about hl's lyrics bc gosh they've been there since day 1 and are NEVER wary/cynical of their lyrics bc hl are perfect & it's impossible they broke up (as if we actually know them??), but I get it. I don't have an anxiety attack over lyrics like that, I don't think they are broken up, but I am mystified as I mull over them to my wits end.

4. Alright whoops so I may have gone off a tangent (unexpectedly so) but I hope someone can at least see where I'm coming from. There was supposed to be a question in there haha but I just rambled on a lot. Since I admire your flair for reading lyrics like literature and really capturing the nuances of their writing in your analyses, I wanted to know, how do you deal with lyrics like that? What thoughts do you have and how do you read them more metaphorically when it seems far too literal?

hahahaha UR TRYING TO GET ME IN TROUBLE WITH OTHER FANS I SEE U ANON kasdjfkjdak but thats okay.  first of all i LOVE this rant let’s DISCUSS lyrics! I think there are two possible scenarios here, that we can explain in different ways, as long as we are in agreement that they at least fudged some parts of the truth. There was no two-year gap, just with the timeline, there was no uni, things like that. Those things have been shifted to fit with a narrative, and I get that - they’re storytellers! So, given that, I see two possibilities.

The first possibility is what I call Operation: Superman. By day, these guys are Superman, flying around, flashing their ability, being a rock star. By night, they’re mild mannered reporter Clark Kent who just wants to go on a date with their pretty coworker (I actually really love this metaphor lmao). This means that, just like Clark Kent (or Lois Lane I think she did most of the writing), the feelings behind the words they write are true (”Superman strives to be a symbol of hope, truth and justice”) while the actual words written (”Superman is an unidentified alien who likely is *insert massively untrue thing here* irl”). For these guys, that might mean that “We were in love, now we’re strangers” translates into “people used to see that we’re special to each other, and now they see us as strangers” (lmao @ the story that they wrote perfect in separate rooms), and “maybe one day you’ll call me, and tell me that you’re sorry, too” could translate into “we really got into it, and this feels like a delicate moment, and you SUCK at saying sorry, and I wish you would, because you were wrong, too”. Heartbreak comes in many different forms, and using one kind of grief to write about another is a tactic that I’ve used a lot in the past for my own healing process. So maybe that FEELING of being alone and lost and desperate for someone to reach out and see you is real, but the situation (i.e. ‘this is about a break up’) is made up. Goodness knows that much more has been made up for much less, and this way, no one knows who Superman really is. 

The second possibility is that they broke up for a period of time. Looking at some of the more extensive archives, if i had to guess when, I would say that it was likely Feb 2016-Oct/Nov 2016? Because Louis has talked quite a bit about how when his mother took a turn for the worse, his partner was really there for him, and how it brought them closer, and the lessons it taught him about being a partner. Let’s be clear: “we were having a hard time and they stepped up and we became stronger because of it” does not have to mean “we were on a break” - it could totally mean ‘we were fighting a ton and had no clue what would be next and it wasn’t fun anymore’. But if we take it to be that they were on a break, then the lie isn’t ‘we broke up’ the lie is ‘i was broken up with someone for a few years’. 

I can see the arguments for and against both of these possibilities, and idk which I’m more inclined to believe. Sometimes I’m like “they’re Superman!” and other times I think “eh, they probably did take a break in there somewhere”. So the way I look at the lyrics is as if the whole thing was a story, and I look at them in context of the larger story.:

The first step is “what is literally being said in this song”

The next one is “what is the theme of this song/the emotion driving it, and what does that say about the person writing it”

the third one is “where does this fit in the time it was written? who would have influenced the song? what was happening at the time?” 

And from that, just like from any book, we can build an analysis. I *really* feel that answering those three questions can tell you what you need to know about how literal any given song is! We can even do a quick run through - let’s do ‘Miss You’:

The song is literally saying that they miss the person they’ve been with for a long time, and that they wish they could go back to what they used to be 

The emotions driving the song are regret, loneliness, bitterness, and longing 

They were massively pushing ‘ reformed (ish) party boy Louis’ at the time, and the song fits that narrative well. When the song was released (Dec 2017) , he’d just gotten back together with Eleanor (Feb [?] 2017)so it would have been a reflection of that time they spent apart, and how he felt when he was alone. Given that we know he’s not actually dating Eleanor, we can assume that they narrative and the things that push that might also tilt towards “not literally true”. The song was written by 7 people, and any number of people could have taken the emotions driving the song and come up with different lines, and Louis could have connected with those lines for different reasons, some of them being more literal, and some more emotional/metaphorical. 

And then, taking all those components, you decide on what you think is the most likely read of that song. I can’t tell you what to think things are about, you know? No one can! I can only tell you what *I* think makes most sense when you put art in the context in which it was written, because nothing is ever created in a bubble.  

[gg-astrology]

Hey,love ! Idk if my ask got eaten up or not but I've been really curious about my Saturn placement cause I've really been struggling with it and it has gotten worse these past few years. I have retrograde Saturn in the first house in Gemini. I really want to know how to work with it. All the love 💕💕💕

Hey there!! 💞💞💞 Ahaskjknf i’m sorry i don’t even know if some asks are eaten up but :(( I got this one! 💞 Ooof I hope I can help? 💞

[ Gemini Saturn + Gemini Saturn rx in 1H ]

Nice I guess I’m doing this skjdnk as a continuation of the earlier saturn post

Saturn as the lord or time, of manifestation, in a light sign like Gemini the native may often listen to others and subsequently feel restrained by word, action or inaction (the limitation part) 

Imagine a libra but like,,, as a gemini. Sometimes listening to others can be like ‘oh ok’ and then a minute later it can lead to someone being like ‘wait now that i think about it…’ it can lead to indecision on the person, over-thinking situations and thoughts to themselves into growing anxiety if they don’t learn how to take control of that and express themselves properly, healthily and openly to others to stop themselves from over-thinking/assuming stuff immediately

another thing to note is that because emotionality goes fast like POOF, once you’re reassured about something you act like you weren’t emotionally worried about it in the first place. It’s a good idea to mention it to others, or express your vulnerabilities/emotionality too because you may try to handle things short-term and think long-term engagement/planning is unnecessary. It is, like it’s necessary. Make sure to give yourself room/space to prep others that it causes you anxiety, so that if you ever doubt yourself/your relationship like that again you’ll have room to mention it as well. 

Self-expression when it comes to the self/others is something that they prefer to be learnt. As in through practice, a lot of the time Gemini as a mutable/air sign may feel uneasy when they’re put on the spot to do something they might not be good at. There’s a tendency to be self-aware/feel shameful in themselves if they don’t perform the way that’s acceptable/know they’ll do well in/can give it a go with more than 50% chance of succeeding.

I think in a way you’re aware of how other responds to you, but also hyper-conscious about how you appear to others. The idea is you can sometimes over-think to yourself, worry so hard you wear yourself out with your mental activity. And that’s never a good thing to do because the lesson here for Gemini (communicative) and Saturn (challenges) is to learn how to speak when you need it the most.

Speaking to others to quell up worries, speaking about your emotions/how others makes you feel is kinda important. 

You’re right, somethings aren’t as serious as it turns out to be but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t mention how it’s affected/hurt/impacted you prior. You might not want to burden/open up about your vulnerabilities, but it gives others a chance to look out and take care for you. To look after and be thoughtful towards you, which is something your Saturn in 1st is going to prefer. 

Cut the problem at the bud, is what I’m trying to get at. Expressing your emotions/vulnerabilities is the way you can learn how to grow/accept changes best. At the same time, keep in mind that with how receptive Gemini is to response and activity around them– you do tend to think a little pessimistically about situation bc it ties in to practical ‘doing’ things to remedy it (if something turns out bad then you’ll have a solution ready)

Don’t let yourself think negatively all the time, communicate it out. And also sometimes, if you feel like you’re being tossed and turned with self-transformation. Try to learn how to express and feel confident in your own value and thinking. Gemini are adaptable, sometimes in Saturn you can be stubbornly opinionated even if it’s uncalled for or unwanted. 

You hurt yourself most when you don’t learn how to be vulnerable or make Gemini ‘stiffen up’ when it’s supposedly flexible. Learn to be flexible with your thinking as well, not everything is pessimistic or optimistic, but you can express your feelings/thoughts/expression out loud and see where it leads you (where you need to go) 💞 

A lil more on Gemini Saturn natives (not necessarily in 1st house) 

Practicality/pragmatism is an approach they prefer. Because that cuts down on your worries right? But in doing so they can sometimes overthink their inaction/action into a spiralling myriad of self-worries/judgement and prone to not realizing how to deal with things emotionally (to the point where they measure how much they’re over-thinking with the response people give them in return or suppress their emotional component bc it was ‘whisked’ away by the response/ignore the ). 

Overthinking because they feel a need to make the ‘right’ decision or seek security is common.

Insomnia, isolation– feeling lonely or ‘emotions’ is sometimes rejected. Activity is preferred to keep the self occupied, thus, sometimes native of the Saturn Gemini can turn to seek friends, communication, people. Because they never want to be left out/alone or lonely or feeling like they’re on the wrong/off path in life. 

It’s more to do with feeling of being ‘unattached’ and uncared for rather than like what’s actually happening?? Sometimes the mind can overthink things which makes the emotionality/insecurities of the person more reactive. Being reciprocated or reached out to is also important, to feel like ‘oh there is a thread’ and quell some of that insecurity to dust (like the wind blew it away suddenly)

Self-expression can be a thing they enjoy alone, like writing and stuff. But mostly it still has to do with energy, keeping the self from feeling out of the loop/isolated and ‘checking in’ sometimes that people are listening to them. 

Sometimes– depending on the person, sharing an intimate side of their art/passion/self-expression requires them to shut their emotionality down and be in the right state of mind for it. 

Gemini does well with practicality, so these Saturn Gemini people tend to be practiced people. Yet they may sometimes lack in emotionality, or rather they would absolutely hate to look dumb in front of others/public. Saturn is serious, in a light sign in Gemini everything have to have substance even if it’s casual/informal. 

Saturn Gemini tends to get a little more stagnant, as in they fear being made a fool of so much they might not even attempt to do something until they’re ‘sure’ they’re going to do it well/good. Practice (since Saturn points to learning something and being able to show it out. What the Gemini Saturn needs to realize is that they tend to feel a heavy presence of ‘shame’ and panic when they feel like certain things are out of control (Saturn) and that they are being made a fool of (Gemini) in public

Your self-doubt becomes your self-preservation and thus self-limitations. Most of your worries stems from your own over imaginative thinking and consequently affect your health/emotionality as well. 

Don’t assume, just do things. It helps you grow a lot better if you learn how to actually reach out and connect to others, instead of just thinking about it. 

Also learn how to be on equal footing as others, as in– trust in your own ideas/opinions and good points. Don’t let your pessimism/insecurities shade over your vision and make you feel like you’re not as great as you are because you really are amazing person

Sometimes Gemini Saturn can have really strong spells of pessimism and isolation habit, as in they don’t listen to anyone else’s compliments on them and focus on the criticism/negatives. Be sure to learn how to ‘feel’ happy with compliments, not just looking at it critically all the time. You can be guarded or wary of delusions, but what you don’t realize is that you’re often self-delusioning yourself into being more negative and it’s not helping anyone around you help you. Learn how to seek help and also trust in other’s opinions/response. As well as your own, you only want to hear what you want to hear and that can sometimes lead to self-fulfilling prophecy when all you hear from your own head is fear.

Trust in positivity, and leave room to grow and learn. You need to be able to connect to your emotional side as well, and not let it get dictated by your thinking. If you can feel emotions healthily (balance/stabilize it out) your thinking will come along better as well. Try thinking about that 💞

Ok thats it! 💞💞 I hope this is helpful skdnfkjsn 💞💞💞

[cliveboney]

hhhhhh

im tryin to get over this & move on w/ my life so maybe making a post abt it will help

so i applied for a zine a while ago (well like. 2 weeks ago) bc i’ve never been part of one & i thought it might be cool (also free copy + $$ right yell heah yeehaw). from the beginning i wasn’t really expecting too much like im just basically like “it won’t hurt to just apply & see what happens”

so i spent a bit of time gathering up some recent pieces to put in my “”portfolio”” so i could send it over because like. applications were open but there was like a week until the deadline to send yours so i took advantage of that to finish up some drawings i’d been working on etc (that’s why i was suddenly super active on my art blog for like a week lmaoo)

Anyway i did all that & put it in my portfolio & then submitted it the day before the deadline & it was all taken care of, time to wait. the next step was for the organizers to post the list of accepted artists, so they did that & i checked & unfortunately i didnt make the cut which is like. cool, fine, i wasn’t expecting much anyway, right? they had a ton of applicants so chances were slim, etc etc

not gonna fuckin lie to myself tho ok i rly did want to be a part of the project & i was pretty proud of the things i had worked on in preparation for the application & yea i did think i had a p decent chance li ke i obvs didn’t know who i was up against & it could’ve totally been a bunch of amazing artists who blew me out of the water but i felt like my stuff was at least. u know. nice to look at 

anyway i didnt get in & i was like rip & the organizers were like “we’re gonna send out emails to everyone including those who weren’t accepted” & i was like ok cool at least this way i’ll know for sure they got my entry

except. i never got an email?? they were like “we’ll send them out today/tomorrow” & it’s been almost a week now & i haven’t gotten anything so now instead of moving on like i’m supposed to be doing i keep thinking about what if my entry didn’t go through, does this mean i actually did have a chance but some random error prevented it from happening? they had so many entries & there was so little time between the deadline for submissions & the announcement of the artist list, did they really look at all the entries, or did they stop before they got to mine? did i fuck this up by waiting too close to the deadline, ensuring that my work never even got considered? but if i had submitted early i wouldn’t have had any examples of my current work to show, and my art has definitely changed since the last time i posted smth i was actually proud of so it wouldn’t have been good to submit at that point anyway

im just fucking overthinking everything & it’s so. ugh. and im literally /literally/ the worst person for doing this, but i did look at some of the accepted artists & i did compare my work to theirs & i absolutely did feel like mine could have easily been accepted over theirs but then again i have the creator’s point of view i dont know what my art actually looks like, maybe it looks like shit maybe it looks dumb as hell with weird proportions & unintentional warping that just makes it so goddamn ugly no one wants to look at it & that’s why all the things im proud of never get reblogged, who knows!! 

i don’t know what the organizers’ criteria for judgement was & i dont know what precisely they were looking for all i know is i didn’t get into the thing i rly wanted to get into & im upset abt it despite my best efforts not to be & i wish i could just move on and try again next time but that was literally the only time i’ve ever seen a call for applications to a zine, i have no idea how tf people actually find these things because the only way i ever find out about them is when they’re done and being advertised to sell so even though i know it’s not the case this felt like a special one-time opportunity which is making the rejection feel even worse & im just overall rly mad abt this bc i went into this so casually & somehow came out so unhappy

i just wish i could forget about it & get on with more important things in my life like hmm maybe the one month i have left to catch up in my classes & not fail them both like uhhh this shitty 90 second animation for this shitty piece of shit class that someone somehow tricked whoever’s in charge into labeling an “animation class” for which neither of those words apply as there is teaching of neither animation nor any other fucking thing in the entire universe going on during what i like to call the Three Hell Hours, each referred to respectively as “i woke up this early and walked this far and climbed this many stairs for This”, “holy shit it’s only 9 am how”, and “just 55 more minutes until i can get the fuck out of this time trap and spend the rest of the day trying to figure out if this moment right now even happened or if it was all a terrible fever dream that i had while really spending the morning actually asleep”

this got away from me, it’s well past midnight, im tired and not happy ok, today was a bad day for no reason, just generally a shit day, i gave a presentation on my half-assed painting project today which was about aromanticism & ended up telling my class im aro which didn’t seem like a big deal at the time & probably isn’t in the long run but for some reason i’m regretting it big time now like i feel like i shouldn’t have been so casual like that with a bunch of strangers & i was trying to explain the project but people were confused bc i forgot that most people don’t even distinguish between romantic/sexual orientation & people know basically nothing abt aromanticism bc nobody ever talks about it except sometimes on the internet and hhhhhh it went fine and all but i feel retroactively uncomfortable at having been so open about myself in front of a bunch of people who Don’t Get It man what a wakeup call after having been online w/ people who do get it for so long

my only consolation is that i have a friend in that class who Gets It & she’s like. my one support in that class, she said i handled it well so that was reassuring at least. but god. i can’t wait for the semester to be over so i never have to go back & face those people again lolllool godddddddd

anyway that’s all the venting i want to do for now lmfao sorry about this i just. hohjhj